#makes the BDD hit hard

[ptsd-tiger]

How did you lose weight with pcos, fasting ? Bc nothing seems to fucking work for me

well in my first attempt i lost 70+ pounds bein on keto and using a stationary bike 30 minutes a day

gained a good amount of it back after my ex fp betrayed and traumatized me

now in attempt 2 i don't follow any diet. my appetite is just suppressed by my adhd med. also bc it gives me the energy to walk around I do that a lot

the pcos i've got is without the cysts tho. my T is high but not above 100. it literally goes into remission when im at a lower weight so im probably not the best advice when it comes to this lmao

[twstgarden]

❀ ❝ 𝗮 𝗽𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗲'𝘀 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘁 ❞

━ malleus draconia x gn! reader ━ hating how your body works will always be a feeling you've grown accustomed to. at one point, your dearest lover found you breaking down and loathing yourself and he attempts to comfort you and show you just how much of a gem you truly are. (f/n means first name)

cw: (including, but not limited to) topics of self-loathing, talks of dysphoria

requested by: @meleanorsslave <3 <3 request type: oneshot - hurt/comfort trope requester's message: i'm hungry for some hurt/comfort and i saw that your requests are open. May I request fluff oneshot of malleus with a reader who is physically weak? like, malleus comforts the reader while the reader vents out their frustration about the way their body works totally not bcs that's relatable. oh, not to forget, I hope you're feeling alright, eating 3 meals a day and having a good rest!! don't overwork yourself, mina!! <3 florist's note: this request hit a liiiittle bit too close to home. apologies it took a while~ my own writing is making me cry with how realistic this is lololol. and to everyone who self-loathes or those with bdd, please know you are loved and you matter. you are perfect the way you are <3

this work does not contain spoilers for chapter 7, diasomnia's arc.

do not steal or translate without my permission.

within the confines of your dorm room, there you stood once more by the mirror, unable to look at yourself in the eye yet brave enough to stare at your own body with so much hate and disgust.

it's not your fault, they say, but it feels like it is. every physical education class always ends up with you either getting left out of the activities or getting to work twice or even thrice as hard as your other classmates - all because you were physically weak.

why were you like this?

why were you born so weak?

what mistakes could you have possibly made in your previous life that you ended up being cursed this way?

all those thoughts roamed in your head as you kept staring at yourself in the mirror. it's not like you haven't tried to improve yourself. you've done a lot of things to improve your weaknesses. every suggestion and every advice was taken into consideration, yet it never seemed to work.

your eyes glazed over yourself as you stared at the mirror, looking at your arms, legs, shoulders, and even your torso with great hatred. i would trade everything i have just to not be like this, kept chanting in your head until you started tearing up.

not only am i physically weak, but it was enough to send me crying like a goddamn baby, your voice echoed in your head as your tearing up turned into soft sniffles and sobs.

unbeknownst to you, someone was passing by your room and heard your muffled sobs through the door. footsteps were then heard entering your room before he knelt down next to you.

"f/n? what's wrong? did someone hurt you?"

malleus' voice somehow made you sob even more. you felt pathetic now that even your boyfriend caught you like this. he immediately brought you close to him, holding you in his arms as you kept crying and mumbling words that sent him worrying.

"why am i like this...?"

"what?" malleus responded in shock as he continued holding you, but looked down at you to see you crying into his chest, completely surprised at your question.

"why am i so weak? why was i born like this?" you sobbed as you tightened your grip around him, making him caress your hair as he realized what you were saying.

you sniffled as he held your hand and brought it up to his lips, planting a soft kiss on them as you looked up. he continued to trail kisses from your hand to your arm before moving to your forehead and cheeks.

"every spot that gets a kiss means they are perfect," whispered malleus before he continued showering you with soft and gentle kisses, "i don't ever want to hear you doubt yourself, my love. you're magnificent the way you are."

"you're not weak," whispered malleus once more as he placed a kiss on your shoulder before placing a finger under your chin to make you look at him, "what made you loathe yourself so much?"

you cast your gaze away from him as you mumbled in reply, "i just... it was always like this, but... today, i... was left out in class again..."

he frowned at your words before pulling in for another hug. you felt comforted and safe in his arms, his warmth and loving touches gave you a sense of security, almost as if he was your safe space.

well, he is your safe space.

"my treasure, let no one in this world make you feel like you are anything less than worthy because they think you're weak. you're not. you've always been one of the most resilient people i've met," spoke the dragon faerie as he gently rubbed your back for some more comfort while hugging you close.

"but..." you trailed off, making him look at you as he tucked your hair behind your ear.

"you're not weak just because you aren't as physically resilient as everyone else. strengths come in different forms, my love." his words brought a sense of comfort in you, especially with how gentle and loving his tone was. he then placed a kiss on your forehead as he whispered, "i love you, f/n. if you feel this way again, please don't ever hide from me."

you nodded a little in response as you hugged him tight, sniffling softly as your crying died down a little, "...thank you... for being there for me..."

a faint smile ghosted over malleus' lips as he caressed your hair, "why are you thanking me? i'm your beloved. i'd consider myself a failure if i could not even comfort the person i love the most in this entire universe."

you didn't know how to respond to that as you looked up at him, "i... but still, thank you... you've been the best partner to me and..." malleus placed a finger on your lips to make you stop talking as he smiled, "don't thank me, love. how about we buy your favourite dessert? we can stay in and eat your treats while watching your favourite movie."

you smiled in response to that and nodded, which gave him permission to carry you in his arms while walking out of your room and leaving the dormitory to buy some snacks in sam's shop or visit the cafeteria to see what they have in store.

while he was walking down the main street with you in his arms, you kissed his cheek with a sweet smile and said, "oh, and i love you, too. more than you could ever know..."

a sweet smile found its way onto malleus' lips, "how cute of you, child of man, and because of that, you can buy as many treats as you want."

© twstgarden 2023 || please do not steal, translate without my permission, or use this to train a.i.

[chaoticgeminate]

Thinking about Nanette and Zach today because tbh, I'm on the struggle bus and I just KNOW how sweet Zach would be on days that she's struggling to eat 😓😓

Love that story, it's sooooo good even though it hits rather close to home.

Oh my god, Nonnie I am so sorry you're on the struggle bus. Please know that whatever you're going through I (and Zach) will always be here for you 100% of the way. If you need someone to talk to, someone to just listen, or someone to help you when things are hard.

I have a little gift, Nonnie.

cw below the cut: mentions of bdd, eating disorders, please read at your own risk

He knew it was a hard day for her as soon as she walked through the front door, there was a sort of lethargy in her movements and Zach watched Nanette hang her purse before slipping out of her pumps. It had been happening more and more recently, with the looming nerves about whether or not she would be flying to Paris for Fashion Week, and he had to bite his cheek not to say anything when she sat down beside him on the couch and curled against his side.

Recently her temper had been shorter too, stemming from the very rigorous routine she'd put on herself to try and guarantee a place on the Paris runway. He'd started giving her space when she got home because of it, letting her decompress or if she needed to she could engage a conversation first if she was in the mood.

Today was one of those days.

"Zach?"

"Hm?"

"I- I'm hungry but... but I'm not."

He set down his book to take her hand, the one resting on his thigh playing with the hem of his shorts, and kissed her fingertips gently before pulling her up. Nanette followed and he could see the full extent of her mental stress by the way her eyes were watering, she was far too close to snapping.

"That's okay, come on, let me take care of you."

Her sniffle made his heart heart and Zach silenced her phone, and his, after taking her upstairs and gently pushing her in the direction of the bedroom. Both devices went into his pocket as he turned the tap and watched the hot water start to fill the tub, nodding to himself, and when he walked into the bedroom Nanette was stripped down in front of his mirror.

He knew now what she dealt with, the battle she waged every day that he couldn't fight for her, and Zach watched as she turned to face him fully. He hated that his natural reaction to her bare was to get turned on, especially when she was vulnerable like this, but he ignored his body's reaction to lead her to the bathroom and drop one of her favorite bath bombs into the water.

Nanette wrapped her arms around him and clung to him as the water filled more, kissing the crown of her head and just rubbing his hands down her back to keep her warm. Only after she slipped into the tub did he grab the little bench he kept in here, for when his knee acted up, and sit behind the tub so he could braid and pin her hair up as she lounged in the water.

"I'm gonna get your make-up off."

Nanette hummed and he gently used her wipes to rid her of everything on her face, leaving her looking just as gorgeous and a lot less troubled. He kissed her forehead before putting her face mask on her and told her to relax, dimming the light and keeping the door cracked so he could hear her as he headed back downstairs.

He put together a bunch of small plates, just an array of quick bites that she could choose from, vegetable based with some very easy protein in the form of leftover chicken and salmon from his recipe testing earlier today. By the time Nanette ventured back downstairs she was looking worlds better and her eyes lingered on the plates of food that were set out.

"Tapas night."

When her lips tipped up into a smile he relaxed, she was going to be okay, and Zach never once made a big deal out of what she did or didn't eat. A few bites here, a few bites there, and while it was far less than what he would have liked he didn't force her to eat more. Instead he tipped her face to his after dinner, when they were curled on the couch watching a video series about a Youtube star that tried out these crazy hack videos, and he pressed a gentle kiss right to her lips that made Nanette smile against his mouth.

"Good job today, Nanette."

Her eyes watered again but out of relief and Zach held her close knowing that it would get better, she'd already worked up the courage to get herself a therapist and tomorrow she started her own therapy, and he wasn't going to let days like this chase him away.

[bddwholesale]

DIY: How to Make Your Quartz Banger Last Longer

Quartz bangers are essential for any serious dabber, prized for their ability to withstand high temperatures and provide smooth, flavorful hits. However, they require proper care and maintenance to maximize their lifespan. In this DIY guide, we'll walk you through the steps to make your quartz banger last longer. By following these tips, you can enjoy your sessions without the constant need for replacements.

Clean Regularly

First and foremost, regular cleaning is crucial. Leftover residue from concentrates can build up and degrade the quartz over time.

1. After Each Use: Immediately after each dab, use a cotton swab to clean the banger. This prevents residue from hardening.

2. Deep Cleaning: For a thorough clean, soak your banger in isopropyl alcohol. Add a pinch of salt to help scrub off stubborn residue. Rinse with warm water and let it air dry.

3. Avoid Abrasives: Never use metal tools or abrasive materials to clean your quartz banger, as they can scratch and damage the surface.

Proper Heating

Maintaining the right temperature is essential for prolonging the life of your quartz banger.

1. Low-Temperature Dabbing: While it might be tempting to crank up the heat, high temperatures can degrade the quartz over time. Aim for low-temperature dabs to enjoy better flavor and less wear on your banger.

2. Proper Heating: Use a timer or a temperature gun to ensure you’re heating your banger correctly. Overheating can lead to cracks and a shorter lifespan.

Handling with Care

How you handle your banger can significantly impact its longevity.

1. Gentle Use: Always handle your banger with care. Avoid dropping it or exposing it to sudden temperature changes.

2. Proper Storage: When not in use, store your quartz banger in a safe, padded place to prevent accidental damage.

Investing in Quality

High-quality quartz bangers, like those from BDD Wholesale, are designed to last longer and perform better. Investing in a well-made banger can save you money in the long run, as you won’t need to replace it as often.

Avoiding Common Pitfalls

Be mindful of common mistakes that can shorten the life of your quartz banger.

1. Overloading: Avoid overloading your banger with large dabs. This can cause excessive residue buildup and stress the quartz.

2. Inadequate Cleaning: Skipping regular cleanings can lead to hard-to-remove buildup that can damage the banger over time.

[kbstories]

Epistemic

ep·i·ste·mic (adj.) Related to knowledge; cognitive.

Killer struggles with SMILE and Heat tries their best.

(Or: An attempt to cope with hearing Killer’s laugh in the anime haha...ha...)

Tags: Nakamaship, Introspection, Hurt/Comfort, Body Dysmorphia, Heat Is MVP Actually

Set in Wano. Spoiler warning for Act Two of Wano. Content warning for Body Dysmorphia/BDD. This is a coda to Ontological, Chapter 2.

***

Killer is hiding.

Heat knows it. Kidd knows it, so does the crew, and it’s safe to say Killer knows that they know, too. From the moment he and Kidd came home – miraculously alive and whole, Kidd’s wrecked prosthetic aside – Killer disappeared into the captain’s cabin and has yet to show.

To the East the sun starts to rise, piercing through the wafts of mist gathering over the ocean. It’s been two days.

In a sense, it’s nothing new. Sort of hard to miss, actually, when their First Mate insists on wearing a helmet most hours of the day. Hard to imagine it ever being any other way, certainly. Killer’s face is a mystery every Kidd Pirate learns to live with, sooner or later.

All but Heat, of course. Not that any of them had planned on there ever being an exception to the rule. It just… happened.

Years ago, under a clear-blue sky, an all-out brawl with some Marines ended up dropping two unlikely allies into Heat’s life. Being around Kidd and Killer had been just as chaotic and bloody and fun then as it is now; the day Heat met the duo that would soon become their family is the same day the mask got knocked loose. Killer was a tall, lanky guy then, barely scratching twenty-one and already lethal with those scythes of his.

Heat hadn’t thought much of it, really: When all was said and done, knuckles bruised and scrapes tended to, Heat had picked the mask up and given it back with a soft-spoken, “This is yours, isn’t it?”

Looking straight into pale blue eyes over lilac-tinted lips, and they had but a second to take in the surprise blooming there before they’d gotten a furious Kidd to the throat for their trouble.

A fond memory, in hindsight. An important one, too, given it led Heat to the best decision they’ve ever made, and a journey that brought them all the way to Wano Country’s shores.

It had been after Wire joined the crew and Killer started wearing the mask around the clock that Heat had realized the significance it held. That Killer, for all his cunning in battle and easy-going nature anywhere else, is slow to trust, and rarely does so completely.

So far, that privilege belongs to Kidd and Kidd alone.

And it was fine, getting to know Killer through that barrier he refuses to put away. No one gets to pick the scars they carry, and if this is how Killer deals with his, who’s to tell him otherwise?

Well, it had been fine until Killer returned to them dressed like one of Wano’s own, a piece of fabric draped across his face and those same blue eyes glinting behind wild strands of hair, wide with fear.

There had been so much else worry about, at the time. With Kidd steadily recovering from a state little better than death-warmed-over and the Killer-shaped space in their midst remaining empty, Heat watches the days come and go and the crew grow anxious, and they worry.

What Heat would give, to return to the days a mindless little gesture had the power to change the course of history.

*

It’s too early for anyone but the skeleton crew of the nightshift to be awake. With Doc on lookout, the chances of fresh coffee are pretty high, and so Heat shuffles to the galley, one hand on the door and the other pressed against a wide yawn.

A yawn that freezes on their face, as does the rest of them. On his tippy toes, arm reaching for the straws kept safe on the topmost shelf, Killer freezes too.

They stare at each other. Or, Heat stares at Killer’s mask and can feel him staring back. Then Heat’s brain kicks back into gear and they manage a mumbled, “Coffee?”, to which Killer points behind himself and then pulls back to get it himself.

There’s a freshly-made smoothie on the counter and a plate of chopped apples Killer will try – and probably succeed – to bully Kidd into eating once he wakes. Which will not be for a few hours still, unless miracles truly do happen.

So Killer had hoped to sneak in and out while nobody was around, even if he had adjusted for someone to catch him out of his self-imposed exile nonetheless.

It stings but not much because it makes sense, too. Kidd had explained it to them all, that first day, after he’d emerged from their quarters and Killer didn’t. Give him time, he’d said, with that pinched sort of frown that’s gotten rarer the tougher Kidd’s skin grew, and:

It’s out of his control.

Which, when it comes to Killer, equals to saying he’s walking a hellscape he can’t wake up from.

Killer is utterly silent as he places Heat’s favorite mug close enough for them to grab comfortably. Almost eerie, how flat his breathing can go, and Heat wonders if words are another one of those dangerous things right now. If any of the measures Killer is taking are actually helping him, or just driving him further and further towards insanity.

(Kidd didn’t mention anything about a cure. Tough skin or no, some horrors only become real when given a voice, and none of them want to risk that fragile bit of hope they got left by asking.)

The coffee isn’t steaming anymore but it’s warm. Heat takes a sip. Tells him, “Thanks, Soldier”, careful to keep the nickname equal parts fond and teasing, same as always.

Killer doesn’t say anything; he hums, though, leaning back into his usual spot by the window. Sipping his smoothie while Heat dozes through the wait for the caffeine to hit, and somewhere in-between Killer pushes the bits of apple their way.

A concession, an apology, perhaps. Always so good at compromising, at making things work, and Heat wishes they could do more than stand by and watch him drown.

*

It turns out it is possible for Kidd to be conscious before noon.

“Heat, have ya seen–”

Clearly wearing whatever was easiest to stumble into and hair disheveled to an almost comical degree but awake. Any other time, Heat would’ve laughed.

“–ah.”

Not now, though, not with the worried edge to Kidd’s eyes that only settles when they land on Killer. Not with the subtle flick of that gaze across the room, where half the crew is chewing their way through a late breakfast with remarkable nonchalance.

“Anything you want, Captain?”

That’s Wire, voice dry with sarcasm, and Heat does laugh then. Kidd huffs at both of them to shut up, and Killer is already shifting to make room for him to slump against his shoulder.

Like this, it’s easy to pretend it’s just another morning.

[growingingreenwood]

I know that you probably don’t know how to help with my dysphoria but it’s hitting me like a load of bricks right now and can I get some positive affirmation? Even if it’s just using my name a bunch. Thanks -🏳️‍🌈

Hello Scout my love, my wonderful little bean. I’m so sorry you’re suffering so much with this right now, and I’m proud of you for reaching out! I’m here to talk if there is a way in which I can help. It must be especially hard being ‘trapped’ inside with people who aren't always very kind do you, I can only imagine how painful this would/could be for you. 

    But oh my lovely Scout, I know it does not feel like it most of the time but you aren't alone in this. While I wish there were no so many lovely creatures out there sharing these feelings, unfortunately there are. I’m not sure if looking up how some others live with these feelings would help you to feel more connected or maybe help you find some ways of coping that might now have thought of yet. But I do think it might be worth a shot if you have not tried it yet. Obviously, my dear dear Scout, only if it makes you comfortable to do that. 

    What you’re feeling is absolutely valid!!! So valid, feelings and emotions are wild and they’re so convincing when they want to be!! But I’m here with a very gentle reminder that BDD gives you a distorted view of yourself, please try to keep that at the back of your mind while also not booting up these feelings. 

    Brains are so dumb, and I really nope with time you can train yours to be better and nicer to you, because you deserve it. 

    You’re soul is so bright I can practically feel it through my phone screen everytime I get an ask for you, and it suits you so well, Scoul my love! I know it does not feel like it now, but things get easier with time. Even if its just because you find better ways of distracting yourself. 

    You’re so good and kind and sweet and I want nothing but the best for you!!! Again, I’m so sorry you’re struggling through this right now but please let me know if there is anything I an do to help you feel more at ease and comfortable with yourself. Because it's a truly beautiful self, soul, and existence. 

    I am very glad that we are on the earth at the same time. I love you very much, Scout, and it’s going to be okay. It just isn’t okay quite yet, and that’s okay. You’re still learning and growing and its as beautiful as it is sometimes is painful. But we’re here for you!! 

[leelem0n]

Weight Loss Q&A

Someone asked some questions about weight loss so I thought it might be helpful to some other people. 

1. Do your nipples get smaller as your boobs get smaller? I worry mine won’t shrink and it’ll look strange. No, they stayed the same.

2. Does your FUPA (relating directly to your vagina, not your lower stomach as some associate with your FUPA) get smaller over time as well? Yes, but if you're very obese then you may need skin surgery.

3. Will a buffalo hump decrease? If it is caused by obesity, yes. If it's caused by poor posture or other skeletal defect, no.

4. What do you do in the in-between phase where you’re not fitting your old clothes anymore but don’t want to buy a new wardrobe just to have to do it all again when you’re at your target weight? Great question. I usually wore my big shirts and then bought some leggings. You may need to buy some things for work depending on the uniform, and in that case I would recommend a second-hand shop so you don't spend a bunch.

5. Is the in-between phase as hard to get through as I think it is? I’m sure some people feel that it’s a motivation to keep working hard, but I feel like it could be a huge struggle in the moment to see your body becoming disproportionate and awkward looking until you reach your target weight. Was that a struggle for you and how did you hype yourself up during? Your body wasn't disproportionate and awkward as you gained, it won't be as you lose. It's not like you only lose weight in one section as a time. You keep your same proportions but just reduce overall size. To keep myself motivated, I just told myself that quitting won't get me anywhere good.

6. Do people treat you differently during and after? I myself am guilty of being negatively jealous of people around me losing weight because I wish it were me instead, but have never said anything about it. Do you have people in your life that aren’t afraid to say those things to you, and how do you cope? Yes and no. For the most part, people treated me differently because I saw myself differently. Being really obese, I had absolutely no confidence and, like you, I was mad at everyone else for being slimmer than I was. Once I lost weight, I didn't magically gain confidence but I did stop being jealous of everyone else's body because I felt I started looking like everyone else. Me not being bitter changed my whole demeanor and made it easier for people to approach me and be friendly with me. I was a fat bitch. I hated myself and hated everyone. When I lost the weight, I also lost a lot of that anger/bitchiness, so I was much friendlier and more relaxed, meaning it was easier to make friends and talk to people. No one wants to talk to some angry person scowling in the corner, after all.

7. Relating to 6, are you treated better as a smaller person? Do you feel that after losing weight you’ve received more positive attention from strangers? Yes, and while part of it is related to 6, part of it isn't. At first, that really bothered me. I was the same person, right? So why are they kinder to me NOW? I realized that being as fat as I was, not only did I look miserable (because I was miserable), but I also realized I just looked...sick. Unhappy. Bothered. I was happier to eat snacks than I was to interact with others, and it's because I had a problem. Just as you wouldn't want to approach someone shooting heroin or lying in a gutter drunk, you don't want to approach someone slowly killing themselves with food. A slow spiral to the grave is just not something humans tend to want to be around.

8. Do you have any advice for overcoming or coping with body dysmorphia and realizing that you aren’t as big as you used to be? If you have body dysmorphia, you have body dysmorphia. It is a mental illness and will not go away just because you lose weight. I still have body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). I've had it no matter what size I've been. It sucks. What can help is to measure yourself periodically with a measuring tape to prove to yourself that you are the size that you really are. Another thing that helps me is to crop out or cover my face in photos. It makes it easier to "see" my progress in my photos if I remove/hide my face. This "trick" also helps a friend of mine who also has BDD. But, you know, as bad as BDD is, you kind of get sick of it. And there are days when I've started saying, "Yeah my legs are disgusting blobs of amorphous goop but, fuck it, it's fucking hot so I'm gonna wear shorts. Fuck BDD."

9. How do you hold yourself accountable and stick to the diet and exercise changes? My biggest struggle is getting started and staying on track, any advice is welcome. Two ways. First, it must be sustainable. If you, say, go on the Cabbage Soup Diet, yeah you're not going to be able to keep that up. If you find a rigid diet plan that has foods you don't normally eat while also cutting out foods you culturally enjoy, no, you won't stick to it. You need a sustainable meal plan that has enough variety and wiggle room to accommodate a normal life. Second, it's just logic. I can't use "motivational images" or videos. I just tell myself, "If I quit now, I won't make the progress I want." It's simple but it works. Another thing is, "Yeah, the pizza would taste good but that's a lot of running to get rid of it. Am I ready to do that?" If so, then yeah, have the pizza. But once you start seeing foods as "This will help me reach my healthy goals" vs "This will slow my progress", the choice becomes much easier.

10. Does your sex life change, negative or positive? Does your partner or hookup care about any loose skin? Most people don't really give a shit as long as they get to have sex haha It sounds kind of crude, but that's the truth of it. If you have a lot of loose skin, it might be a good idea to forewarn them so they don't jump back out of surprise (not disgust), but that's about it.

11. Is it possible for the tightness or elasticity of your vagina to change when you lose weight? Or your ability to get wet and finish? So this is an interesting one. I noticed that I had to do more kegels because there wasn't as much fat "pushing" on the vaginal walls, if that makes sense? As for wetness and orgasm, no, it's the same.

12. What do you do if you reach your target weight and don’t like the way you look? What if you preferred your larger self to your smaller self? I will never, ever, ever, ever prefer my larger self. Ever. I can't imagine you would, either, especially with BDD. So, yeah, I got BDD, I'm gonna hate how I look no matter what, right? But the feeling is very, very different. Even if I hate how I look because of BDD, here are all the reasons I prefer being smaller:

I eat less food, so I save money. If I eat out, I can be satisfied with half the meal and then I have the other half later...two meals for the price of one.

I can move around!! I don't have to LURCH off the sofa to get up. I'm not struggling for breath after walking up three stairs. I can easily walk around when I'm on vacation...and walk all day...and not be aching and drained of all energy

It's way, way easier to buy clothes, even buying online is easier. Cheaper, too! Plus, there are way more styles to choose from.

My feet aren't always aching. My back isn't killing me constantly. I don't have that 24/7 low-grade headache+nausea combo. I have medical issues unrelated to previous obesity, and it's way worse if I'm heavier

I can breathe more easily in any position. I don't have to stop breathing to tie my shoes!

I'm at a lower risk of heart disease, stroke, cancer, etc...which is important to me since I'm already at a higher risk of stroke and cancer (for unrelated reasons).

If I suddenly have a medical emergency (hit by a car, suddenly collapse for some reason), I don't have to worry that bystanders can't move me. When I was at my heaviest, it would have taken at least two VERY strong people to try to lift and move me, but more likely four average people (or more) to try to move me. Now, I can be easily moved if in an emergency

So I hope you can see that even if you still hate your appearance, it's way better having lost the weight.

13. How does extreme weight loss affect tattoos? do they shrink or become distorted at all? It depends on where they're at. Mine were on my arms mostly, and I'm pear-shaped so even with skin surgery it never affected my arms. Sorry, I can't answer this from experience.

14. Is it easier to shave as the surface area decreases? 1000000000% easier to shave and wash. Not only is there less area, but you don't have to dig under your folds.

15. This one is very specific, but do your ankles become smaller? I feel like my ankles are big but the bone and tendon seem to be the same size, so I worry that my ankles will stay big as my legs get smaller and then it will look weird. Your bones don't change in size, so if your ankle bones are big then it's likely you're "big boned" in general and will look proportional. But, even if you just happen to have, like, super big ankle bones, I guarantee that you'll prefer being slimmer with big ankles than your current self. I did this, too, I tried talking myself out of weight loss because "What if I don't like how I look after?" and no no no do not talk yourself out of it.

16. Do you have any areas of your body that seemed to not change or lose weight? Where, and does it bother you/seem disproportionate? I'll bring up my arms again. Granted, I do a lot of weight lifting and my arms are more muscular than average, but they do look disproportionately larger, which would be okay if they had more definition. BUT, I also have BDD and other people have told me that my opinion of my arms is all in my head. Again, it doesn't bother me enough to say, "Oh, damn, I should just regain allllll that lost weight so my arms look smaller by comparison."

17. For those who have had their excess skin removed, are you satisfied with the surgery outcome? I’ve been finding that most surgeries make the body look very boxy and shapeless, which has scared me away from it. Do you think it depends on the surgeon, or is that just the way it comes out regardless? This is a great question. The fact of the matter is we fucked up. We stretched out the skin. It'll never, ever look "normal" again. Ever. And we have to accept that. I didn't realize that, so when I got skin surgery I was really disappointed that my legs looked the same-but-smaller. But I had to realize it was my fault, not the fault of the surgeon. You will almost certainly never look "normal", but you won't look, like, freakish if that's what you're afraid of. The only reason you worry about this is because you're fixated on the body (same as me), but for the average person they honestly can't even tell.

18. Does extreme weight loss have any effect on your hair, positive or negative? Body hair, positive or negative? I wouldn't say it's the weight loss that affects hair but more your dietary change that causes weight loss can also affect your hair. If you're just cutting calories and eating poorly, you'll lose a lot of hair luster and it may fall out. But if you're cutting calories and eating healthy foods, you should notice an improvement in your hair quality.

19. Do you feel colder more often? Does it become harder for you to warm up? Do you sweat less often? I feel colder more often because I'm not covered in a layer of blubber anymore...so I feel colder like any other person would feel cold. It's not harder to warm up, and I sweat less often but I'm still a sweaty person. I just don't sweat aaaaalllll dayyyy lonnnggg like I did when I was obese.

20. What tips did you learn along the way that made it easier that you wish you would have known from the beginning, if any? I think it's mostly a perspective thing: weight loss won't get rid of BDD, eating to lose weight is more important than exercise (but you should exercise for physical fitness), and skin surgery removes excess skin but won't return my body to pre-obesity appearance. Other than that, keeping track and being honest with myself...if I'm eating something, I have to be accountable. I can't say, "It's just a little bit" or "It's not that many calories". I became obese by blindly consuming food, so I can't lose weight by turning a blind eye to some foods I eat.

If this has prompted any of you to ask another question, feel free to do so!

[sunfl0wer-spirit]

Do you find posting selfies on here or ig helps with your BDD? I was wondering if it acts like a mini therapy?

It’s kinda like exposure therapy I suppose. But I go through phases. Like my last bad phase lasted about a year and a half to two years and I’m slowly coming out of it now (hence why I’ve posted more). Getting my pictures onto social media is still tough. I’ll take about 50 odd of the same photo and then spend about two hours or a day obsessing over that image and whether I should post it. I’ll sometimes cry and get myself in such a state but nobody sees that part which is why BDD isn’t as recognised as it should be. I think my biggest motive is I want to encourage others with BDD to challenge those thoughts. It’s hard because perception filters is a thing and how we actually see our faces and other faces is sooo different to people who don’t have BDD. I guess also atm taking selfies is bareable and I want to make the most of flourishing in my clothes and hair and make up and jewellery before shit hits the fan and I go into a bad phase again.

[brothersgrim]

Deep Character Questions

@ivakir​ asked:

Our bodies are how we interact with the physical world and are critical to how we think of ourselves. Overall how do they think about their body? Does your character have a good relationship with their body? Do they see their body as apart of them, or as something they are disconnected from? Are they confident in their appearance? Do they take care of their body, either by proper nutrition, good sleep, or exercise? Do they consider themselves to be physically healthy? (for both?)

I mean, they both rely on their bodies a lot. They’re wrestlers. They fight for a living. And behind that, they have the yard. Digging graves, filling graves, building caskets... It’s all very physical. They also have a thing about being able to move around. Between Taker being a slave, often confined to one spot by orders, and Kane being chained to a wall or locked in a cell, they both don’t like having to stay still for too long. Plus, their occupations mean they’re very active people.

Overall, they’re aware of being strong. They’re aware of being fast. They’re aware of being dangerous. They know that. But beyond that, their views of their bodies are slightly different. Taker sometimes views his as a prison. The urn can’t control his thoughts or emotions, but it definitely controls his movements. It’s also something he can’t really escape. He dies, he wakes up again. The later he gets in life, the more he comes to terms with that. So, if he’s going to be stuck in this thing, he’s going to make it look the way he wants it to. Tattoos, piercings... He’s got a lot of them. I think he’s up to two earrings in each ear and the pierced eyebrow, and his ink is legendary. It’s all meaningful things to him. He very rarely gets a tattoo ‘just because’.

Even just getting a tattoo is meaningful for him, though. It’s an act of defiance. An act of individuality. He spent a long time not being a ‘self’, not being a person. His tattoos are a way to fight back against that. A way to remind himself who he is. He also just thinks it’s fun. He likes tattoos! He has a high pain tolerance, when he feels it at all, so the process doesn’t bother him. He finds it soothing. That’s one of the reasons he usually gets bigger or more intricate pieces. It’s almost like meditation for him, sitting there with some music and the whir of the needle.

Kane, on the other hand, can’t have tattoos. He can’t. He’s had a lot of bad experiences with needles. He also doesn’t like being closely examined, which is something that happens when you get tattoos. It makes him uncomfortable.

They both generally think they’re connected to their body, most times. Unless they’re dissociating. Then, they sometimes feel outside of it. Kane feels almost too attached to his body. He feels like his appearance defines him. Even if it doesn’t define him, it absolutely confines him. He feels trapped. Bound inside himself. His physical being has informed a lot of his choices and relationships. It very much impacts his self-perception, and how he thinks he’s perceived by others. This also ties into his relationship with his body, which is a mixed one. On one hand, he likes being tall. He likes being strong. Hell, Kane’s athletic and combative abilities are the stuff of legend. He can lift Big Show, hit a Hurricanrana, dive over the top ropes, and out-arm-wrestle Brock Lesnar, without breaking a sweat. He’s proud of it. He worked hard for it. He needs it, too. It keeps him safe, keeps him employed, and working out kept his mind off of everything when he was younger. Gave him something to do. There’s a lot of monotony in mental hospitals. ... But he doesn’t like his other aspects. He’s not his brother in many senses, including that he doesn’t like his physical appearance. He hates it. He’s been raised and conditioned to hate himself. His face is his greatest insecurity. He wears a mask. His BDD often makes him see himself as deformed, his scars as much more severe, et cetera. It limits him a lot in what he does and how he performs. In that way, his body is like a prison.

Taker’s body is a prison of a different kind. He’s literally trapped in it. I wrote above that he can’t escape his body via death. He dies, he comes back in the same body, just minus some injuries (sometimes). Doesn’t matter how he dies, he comes back. But when the urn takes over, his body moves whether he wants it to or not. It’s those moments where he feels both too attached and not attached enough to his body. It doesn’t feel like him when it moves on its own, but he does feel trapped in it. ... It just doesn’t feel like his. This is especially true in his late twenties to early 30′s, at around his WWF debut. Just watch him. He’s literally a blank slate - nobody’s there. He’s only vaguely aware of himself. So, yeah, I suppose it depends for him. And then he’s alive again. Oh, man, that’s a trip. So, just to keep people updated, that’s the ‘Biker Taker’ run. He hasn’t been alive since he was 14. It’s been twenty-one years since he heard his own heartbeat. Do you have any idea how strange that is? Yes, in some timelines, he’s in a relationship, and he’s listened to his partner’s heartbeat at night, but that’s not at all what this was like. It was loud. It was constant. It actually was really unpleasant for a while. Thankfully, he adapted, but early on into his ‘resurrection’, he really felt like a stranger in his own skin. This wasn’t him. he is the Undertaker, and  he is the Deadman, with emphasis on the ‘dead’. The last time he was alive, he was Adam, but he’s not Adam now. Adam is dead. So he felt very disconnected to himself for a while, there. Thankfully, he got used to it later on, but it was rough going for a while there. Overall, it depends on the day for him.

They take... Relative care of their bodies. They eat well, they work out. They have to. Again, their job(s) are very physical. They have to be in shape. But, on the other end of the scale, is where the abuse kicks in. They both have bad sleep schedules. Some nights, they don’t sleep at all. Sometimes, when they do sleep, they sleep in weird places that might not be great for them. Kane, for example, couldn’t sleep in a bed for a long time. He was too used to sleeping on the floor of tha basement, and once he got into the hospitals, the beds there - when there were beds - weren’t much better.  First time he got a hotel room, he ended up sleeping on the floor, because the bed was literally too comfortable for him to sleep in. Taker’s slept at his work bench, standing up, in the throne at the Old Church, on the ground... He had to make due. He had a bit more access to a bed than Kane, when Paul wasn’t around. That made it a bit easier, but the servitude balanced it out. And then there’s paranoia, nightmares, and perfectionism. They won’t sleep on planes or busses - too public. They won’t sleep in a dressing room unless it’s a private one and the other brother is there to watch their back, it’s not safe. Nightmares keep them up sometimes. Other times, they’re up because the other brother had nightmares and didn’t wanna be alone. And sometimes they can’t sleep because they’re not done working. Paul never liked a dirty house. Paul never wanted them to stop working. The casket needed to be finished. The grave needed to be dug. There’s always something to be done, something they did wrong, something that needs to be fixed. This is much more of a problem with Taker, but sometimes it strikes Kane, too. They both can push themselves too hard while working out, but Taker pushes himself too hard while working, period. There were times, under the urn, he wouldn’t be permitted to take a break, and he’d end up working his hands bloody. Skin worn raw, torn to all hell... He’s got scars all over his palms for them. Even free from the urn, this still happens, sometimes. Usually only on bad days. If he’s especially stressed and hasn’t brought the heavy bag out to hit or feels buried under work. He also has an undiagnosed panic disorder, which he talks about briefly in the fire storyline, stemming from the trauma he went through as a child and his PTSD (also undiagnosed). He tends to self-diagnose this with alcohol and chewing tobacco, though he thankfully gets both habits under control later in life. Kane’s a bit more willing to go to therapy, depending on the situation, so he gets properly medicated around his mid to late forties, which helps. They’ve both practiced different degrees of self harm. When he was younger - twelve to fourteen - ‘Taker (Adam, at the time) used to burn himself with a lighter. He also grappled with suicidal thoughts and tendencies that eventually resulted in his becoming what he is now. Kane has been known, on bad days, to pick at or scratch at his scars, especially when he was younger, and especially in the basement. This is another thing they deal with and recover from with time, therapy, and each other (and Paul’s death).

They both tend to ignore injuries, for the most part, or at the very least power through them. This is especially true during fights. For the most part, they’ll power through just about anything until they can’t. Bruises, scrapes, bleeding, broken bones... They’ll go for it. It doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t. They have to finish it. Their injuries don’t matter. All that matters is that they get the job done. That they win. Sometimes, it’s honestly because they don’t notice they’re hurt. They both have extreme pain tolerances. That’s not nearly as helpful as you would think, as they often strain or don’t take proper care of injuries, but, it is what it is. Taker hurts himself in the workshop sometimes. He’s burned himself on the forge once or twice, cut himself on a tool. Usually, he just keeps going, unless he thinks it’s going to stain his work. Priorities, right?

Overall, they think they’re relatively healthy. They try to be. It helps, too, that one brother will always take care of the other - making them bandage their wounds or remember their meds - better than they’d look after themselves, but, still.

They do their best.

[rahabs]

How are you staying active during quarantine? I just tipped into 180lbs, highest I've ever been, and I'm getting really depressed about it 😔 I've only gained about 7-8 pounds due to the quarantine, but back in January I was at 163, and I'm really struggling with the fact that I'm back up again after how hard I've been working. It feel like I can't get the weight to stay off, now esp. (Sorry for the mini rant, but I actually followed you Bc of your fitness posts, I appreciate them a lot

Many hugs to you, Anon, and there is no need to apologise 🖤  You are definitely not alone.  I have also been struggling a lot with my weight recently (I have deliberately been putting on muscle, about 25lbs of it, but it is still a struggle to do so and to feel sometimes like my work getting down from 210lbs is being reversed--I am up to 145-150lbs myself, even though I still fit most all of my clothes from when I was 122lbs), but please do not be too hard on yourself!  Some of that weight gain might be muscle, but I understand how frustrating and demoralising it can be nonetheless, I really do.  Like... I really, really cannot emphasise enough how much I understand and how much I get what you’re going through right now, and I wish with all my heart that you weren’t going through it, because it hurts and it makes you just feel awful and so I am really and truly wishing you all the best right now, but also I have the utmost faith in you and despite the setback it is nothing that you cannot fix going forward 🖤

To answer your question, I’ve been doing a mix of things, but the two biggest things for me are that I built myself a routine, and I try to just walk everywhere that I can.  Also, I track in an app called MyFitnessPal, because I need to hold myself accountable.  The gyms in my city have recently opened back up and I have usually been going five times a week (reduced capacity and you can only go for an hour, but I use every second of that hour because cardio is how I best manage OCD/PTSD/anxiety, and I love love love seeing some beloved familiar strangers at the gym--we all wave happily to each other, since we tend to book the same time slots 🖤), but before they opened up my biggest friend was just walking.  I have a lot of joint issues due to my improperly healed torn hip flexor and my former obesity, so I can’t run, but you don’t need to run.  Walking is your best friend.  Or even household chores.  I used to work for a landscaping company, so when I can I will help with the yardwork (even though I dislike it--I try to find ways to make it more fun, and I genuinely enjoy being out in the sun, so there’s that at least).  I make sure things stay tidy, I’ve been writing a lot and trying to see friends when I can, or get out to hike in the mountains.  If I go grocery shopping and I’m waiting in a line, sometimes I’ll lazily bicep-curl my grocery bags.  I’ll walk to the mailbox, I’ll walk through the neighbourhood, I’ll walk to the grocery store or to the nearest gas station.  My dogs are old so I cannot walk them anymore, especially since we are under a heat wave, but I’ll get up and play with them.  Bottom line: if I could find somewhere to walk and an excuse to walk there, I would.  When I couldn’t, I would sit down and exercise by following my favourite home workout YouTube channel.  (Seriously, she is amazing; I’ve followed her for years, since her channel was just starting out.  I just got a half-sleeve tattoo and cannot use a lot of gym equipment at the moment so I have gone back to her videos, as she provides a lot of modifications and alternatives and just so many good at-home exercises that you don’t need any fancy equipment for.)

The routine is the most important part, though.  I need structure, and if I have structure I find that I am less likely to binge, because my brain won’t freak out as much (whether out of boredom or something else).

You might know this already but I’m a (recovering) binge-eater and I also eat when bored or stressed, so I’ve just been trying to occupy myself with things other than food.  I had a really bad spot for awhile where I was doing really, really poorly in that department an binged every day, but I finally put my foot down last week and this is the longest that I’ve been binge-free in months.  I also have BDD, which I am working on (hard going when my attempts to ask the people around me for help often fall on deaf ears).

I think it’s important to realise that fitness and weight loss isn’t always linear.  There will be times where you falter and stumble and when that happens it’s important not to punish yourself--instead just accept and acknowledge that it’s happened and adapt for the future.  Like a little AAA battery!  Bodies are also weird, and sometimes they react to things strangely.  I’m not a professional in any way, but since working to put on some muscle I have noticed that women’s bodies at least like... they are strange things sometimes.   And I know it sounds weird, but try not to put too much emphasis on a number on the scale.  I’m not saying “get rid of the scale!” or “smash the scale!” or anything silly like that because I think to some people having the scale is really important, so long as it doesn’t become something obsessive you fixate on (I have severe OCD, professionally diagnosed, so easier said than done, but it’s doable by adding it to the routine and picking one day a week where I check in), but make sure it doesn’t become a focal point of your weight loss.

Instead, just notice how your clothes are fitting.  If you have body tape, you can use that too.  Pick a favourite pair of jeans and just see how they fit over time, or a favourite bra, or something that doesn’t stretch as easily as yoga pants.  Again, some of your recent weight gain might actually be muscle mass, especially if you aren’t noticing a lot of change in how your clothes from January fit.  When I first hit 145lbs when I was first losing the weight, I didn’t look like I do at my current 145-150lbs, after having got down to 120 and then making the decision to put some muscle back on.  Save for some jean shorts that I bought at my lowest weight, because I build thick muscles in my thighs, I still fit all the clothes I bought and wore at 120lbs--including my fitted dresses, my Stampede jeans, most of my bras, and the pair of “check Lulus” I bought because those things are without mercy.  I also have a couple really good friends I check in with who know me and who I can trust to tell me the truth when I cannot perceive it myself.  And, when I’m being honest with it (which I am trying really hard to be again), I have MyFitnessPal, which has been with me through thick and thin.

If you can, I would recommend a good fitness tracker, too.  Fitbit is really good and user-friendly.  I have a Garmin now, because Fitbit doesn’t make adult watches or watch bands small enough for my ridiculous baby bird wrists, but I had my Fitbit for years before that and it saw me through the vast majority of my weight loss/fitness quest.  It can be very helpful to just help you gauge where you are; most people grossly overestimate how active they actually are, and if you’re up for it, a tracker can be helpful in giving you empirical data from which you can base some better decisions around.

And just do you best to stay active.   I do not know if you have any gyms where you live or if they’re open, but I would really recommend getting a membership, though I totally understand that gyms are not for everyone.  If not, I really do recommend checking out that youtube channel I linked (Koboko Fitness), and just doing your best to walk wherever there’s the option to walk (and it won’t cause undue hardship/pain/etc).  Lift some boxes around the house.  Turn doing the dishes into a stretching exercise.  If you’re familiar with yoga, do yoga (I do not because I am not familiar with it and it can be dangerous to people like me with joint issues to start if you don’t have anyone around who can tell you if you’re doing it right, but my younger sister is working on a cert and she does yoga daily, even with the baby bump).  Many gyms are offering online classes right now too, including the gyms I go to (GoodLife Fitness in Canada), so they can be worth checking out too!

But also just know you’re not in that boat alone.  Many people are struggling right now, including myself, so if you ever need to chat my inbox and my DMs are always open (and I can toss my Discord handle out too if that helps), because a support system can really make all the difference.  I never had one for the longest time, and so when I fell back on old, bad habits it took me awhile to pull myself out of it (again).  I really can talk about this forever but I will stop myself now because I am a chatty cathy but!  Please feel free to send messages whenever you want, Anon, and please be kind to yourself!  I know it’s scary and I know it’s disappointing because I have been there many a time but you can do this, I believe in you!  You’ve had a setback but it isn’t anything that can’t be fixed/corrected and I have faith that you will be able to get back on the proverbial horse and mow down Alexander’s armies in a way that would make the Achaemenids proud 🖤 I hope this helped in some way and that I was able to answer your question!

[dibs4ever]

Just an apology to my followers. If my posts have been slacking and my quality has been bad.

My BDD has been hitting me hard these past few weeks and I have almost not motivation for anything creative. I’m hoping it passes soon. I hate that I have it and try not to make a big deal out of it so please just bear with me.

I love all you and hope to back to making quality content for again soon. Please don’t unfollow or give up on me.

[vldsori]

𝒉𝒊, 𝒔𝒘𝒆𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒔 !  my name’s jaye && i’m so thrilled to be here. ♡ this post isn’t meant to be about me though, so without further ado, i’d love to introduce you all to a muse that i love very much ; a woman held to high standards who handles everything with as much grace as she can —— 𝒋𝒆𝒐𝒏 𝒔𝒐𝒓𝒊. she was born in 1993 && is an aspiring actress who got sort of got sucked into the life of an idol. more details about her will be found under the cut, so if you’re interested in plotting with us, leave a ♡ on this post && i’ll get back to you asap !

*  𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘,

born to a former television producer / director and his housewife.

has had an interest in acting ever since she was a very young child.

acting has always been her end goal, and it’s her forever first love.

she was scouted by atlas records in 2012, and became a trainee.

being an idol was only meant to bring her exposure for an acting career.

during this time, she suffered a lot with bdd and underwent surgery.

she’s had her nose, jawline, forehead, and breasts enhanced.

she became addicted to getting procedures, and had to quit.

however, her enhanced beauty eventually landed her a début.

found herself in a scandal due to her surgery a few years in.

she’s back in the public’s good graces after a ton of damage control.

now, she is an advocate for self-love and fighting insecurities.

*  𝐎𝐂𝐂𝐔𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍,

débuted as snc’s leader, main rapper, lead dancer, and vocalist.

her most notable selling point is her beauty and her center positions.

her leadership skills are very, very lax; she’s not that authoritative.

she was trained in rap since her singing voice is lower than most.

she couldn’t hit high notes, but she could bring power to her rap.

that said, she’s the supreme definition of an ‘idol rapper’ tbh.

meaning, she’s not very good at it, but she’s passable for her music.

if it were up to her, she’d just sing sometimes and mostly dance.

though, if it were REALLY up to her, she’d be acting full-time.

if given the chance, she’d def be the first member to leave snc.

*  𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘,

overall, sori’s a bit hard to read, and a bit rough around the edges.

to sum her up, i’d say she’s magnetic, sensual, vindictive, and quiet.

she keeps a lot of secrets, so she’d make for a good confidante.

however, if you screw her over, she’ll have tons of blackmail on you.

truly though, she’s not too much of a villain — she’s just stressed.

she cares too much about her individual activities, so you know.

fans are beginning to think she looks bored as hell on stage.

which doesn’t look good since she’s in the center, like, all the time.

due to her self-image issues, she tends to be a bit insecure.

still thinks about getting more cosmetic surgery, but is urged not to.

she wants all of the attention, but also none at the same time.

[something-with-sunflowers]

I hate getting triggered so easily. I hate that this fucking disorder is obsessive-compulsive. I’m tired of out of nowhere getting hit with some old shit that triggers me and then having obsessive thoughts about it & every other trigger I can think of. I hate that I still can’t listen to music I used to love without having a tic attack, feeling like I can’t breathe, my skin getting hot, and my heart dropping & then racing. It feels like such an overreaction but I can’t help it. I’m tired of hating myself & I’m tired of wishing I was someone / anyone else. I’ve struggled with BDD & it’s shitty ass symptoms since early elementary school (ever since I can remember at least) Growing up I would avoid pictures at all costs & throw away my school pictures & tell my mom I never got them. I hate mirrors, pictures, and the fact that people can see me. The fact that I currently have a profile picture of my face that doesn’t make me want to cry is a miracle. I’m actually trying to get better for the first time in my life & its fucking hard. Every time I make progress it feels like I get slammed back down. I hope this shit gets easier cause I truly am tired.

[fmdrisol]

𝐇𝐈, 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘𝐎𝐍𝐄 !  it’s ryan, and i decided to bring back a slightly different version of my old muse here: seo suran. awhile ago, she was lipstick’s rapper and vocal, but after some revisions, she’s now fuse’s leader, main rapper, lead dancer, and sub vocalist, and has been renamed. so, without any further ado, i’d like to introduce you all to 𝐂𝐇𝐎𝐈 𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐎𝐋 ! on stage, though, she is known as marisol. if you remember suran, not much about her bio or personality has been altered, however, under the read more, you’ll find a brief detailing of her. additionally, i’ll provide important links to her pages you can browse through. if you would like to plot with her, please like this post and i’ll im you here on tumblr. love you all sm !

✨  𝐁𝐈𝐎𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐏𝐇𝐘.  ✨  𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄.  ✨  𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒.

*  𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘,

born to a former television producer / director and his housewife.

has had an interest in acting ever since she was a very young child.

due to her father’s connections, he was able to land her small roles.

acting has always been her end goal, and it’s her forever first love.

she was scouted by gold star media in 2010, and became a trainee.

being an idol was only meant to bring her exposure for an acting career.

during this time, she suffered a lot with bdd and underwent surgery.

she’s had her nose, jawline, forehead, and breasts enhanced.

she became addicted to getting procedures, and had to quit.

however, her enhanced beauty landed her a début.

landed herself in a scandal due to her surgery a few years in.

her role as kim jiho in prison playbook put her back in good graces.

now, she is an advocate for self-love and fighting insecurities.

*  𝐎𝐂𝐂𝐔𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍,

débuted as fuse’s leader, main rapper, lead dancer, and vocal.

she’s also their ( unofficial ) center and visual ( similar to irene ) !

her leadership skills are very, very lax; she’s not that authoritative.

she was trained in rap since her singing voice is lower than most.

she couldn’t hit high notes, but she could bring power to her rap.

that said, she’s the supreme definition of an ‘idol rapper’ tbh.

meaning, she’s not very good at it, but she’s passable for her music.

if it were up to her, she’d just sing sometimes and mostly dance.

though, if it were REALLY up to her, she’d be acting full-time.

if given the chance, she’d def be the first member to leave fuse.

*  𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘,

overall, risol’s a bit hard to read, and a bit rough around the edges.

to sum her up, i’d say she’s magnetic, sensual, vindictive, and quiet.

she keeps a lot of secrets, so she’d make for a good confidante.

however, if you screw her over, she’ll have tons of blackmail on you.

truly though, she’s not too much of a villain — she’s just stressed.

she cares too much about her individual activities, so you know.

fans are beginning to think she looks bored as hell on stage.

which doesn’t look good since she’s the center, like, all the time.

due to her self-image issues, she tends to be a bit insecure.

still thinks about getting more cosmetic surgery, but is urged not to.

she wants all of the attention, but also none at the same time.

[justakidwithopinions-blog]

Preface

First I would like to tell you why I chose this particular movie; This movie is about a mental – turned into a physical- disorder called body dysmorphia and in this special case anorexia. I’m pretty sure you know what these terms mean but since I’m here to review it and dare I say “criticise” it, I’m going to give a summarized explanation.

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), or body dysmorphia, is a mental health condition where a person spends a lot of time worrying about flaws in their appearance. These flaws are often unnoticeable to others.

Anorexia an emotional disorder characterized by an obsessive desire to lose weight by refusing to eat.

Now on to why I chose this movie, I have been dealing with BDD for many years now that at this point I don’t even remember when it started, I was a “fat” kid that everyone (parents, family, friends and even strangers) would judge and or make fun of. That made me very much aware of my “ugly” and “abnormal” body and the cherry on top is that when I hit puberty my breasts turned out saggy and there I was left with the judging eyes of my mother –and other close female family relatives- that would point that out every so often that I’m looking forward to getting surgery on them this summer to “fix” them and that means forming into a build-up standard made by the human race. I went on a pretty strict diet when I was 16 and lost 11 kg and since then I’ve been keeping this strange diet where I eat nothing beyond 5 pm (sometimes 7 pm depending on when I eat my dinner) and basically eating less than 1000 calories a day and well as everyone encourages you to do so exercise; by now so many of my friends and relatives say that I don’t or that I refuse to eat anything and that it is unhealthy, which is ironic cause they were the ones that made fun of me and judged me when I was fat and now that I’m considered “skinny” I “Don’t eat anything and torturing myself for nothing and putting too much pressure on myself”, well guess what? I still consider myself fat, I still want to lose at least 5 kg and have an impossible dream to get anorexia. Yes, I do wish I have a deadly disease and this movie clearly shows why not to wish that upon yourself and how you need to live. Not just as in breathing but as in being alive, enjoying the moment, loving, caring and being loved! Which I haven’t felt in a while. That’s the reason I chose it because not only it shows you the good sides of life that everyone dreams of but it also shows the struggles and how hard it is to reach the good sides and that we – I in this case- take so many things for granted.

   To The Bone

The movie starts with some people in a group therapy session and a girl saying that how the media presents us with a cake, like it’s a reward then in the next page they show some sad fat girl and some fit girl next to her that says I went on this diet and got fit and the girl continues by complaining about the media saying that it wants to torture us, which I think is a great way to start a movie about anorexia, you see, many people – especially women – are often criticized by the world around them, we have magazines that judge celebrities about how fat they’ve gotten while red circling some tummy rolls on a person who’s at most a size 5; since we live in a society that people make shrines out of celebrities and look so high up to some people, we see those red circles, look into the mirror and say “well I have more tummy rolls, I’m a size 6! People must hate me, people probably don’t like me, I will never be loved…” and it goes on forever, comparing yourself to some sort of standard that the media has created just to sell whatever product they have. The movie then shows the main character Ellen, a young woman in her early 20’s that has black eyeliner all around her eye and is going for an “artistic” and “depressive” look, because it’s quite popular right now and apparently having depression makes you cool. She goes on by saying rude words and then it’s shown that she has been thrown out of yet another group therapy and in-patient. It’s then showed that she’s smoking cigarettes while being welcomed by her father’s house-keeper. This movie brings out so many good points, one of them being smoking; so many youngsters smoke either because they want to fit in with their group of friends or society or it’s because smoking is a sex thing and doing it makes you look “Hotter” and more “attractive” in this movie Ellen smokes to eat less as many anorexic people tend to do. Ellen then proves to her sister at dinner that she has memorized the calories of everything, meaning that she counts every single calorie she consumes and wants to keep in under control, she seems to have a good bond with her sister. Later we’re introduced to a new key character, Ellen’s step-mother, Susan. Susan has a pep talk with Ellen saying that her father is upset at her and Ellen asks why the father himself isn’t present to express that, Susan comes up with excuses and then asks to weigh Ellen, in the process of weighing, Ellen takes off most of her clothing and Susan is scared and worried that she just looks “too thin”, she then takes a picture of Ellen’s body and asks if she thinks she looks beautiful which she responds with no, at this point of the movie I don’t think Ellen says she doesn’t look beautiful because of how thin she is, I think she says that because she’s not thin enough for her own standards, the thing with these types of disorders is that the person becomes a perfectionist and weirdly enough has their own standard of what is perfect and what is not and so she didn’t think she was perfect because she had probably gained weight in the in-patient she was thrown out of. Later it cuts to Ellen’s parents fighting behind the closed doors and the sisters sneaking out of the house. As I mentioned before they seem to have a pretty good relationship, they laugh about how messed up their family is and Ellen says that she’s probably going to be kicked out of her own house (again, which we’ll get to that) or get sent to treatment, which Kelly gives a respond in a way so commonly used by the people close to the diseased person that don’t have a clue what’s actually going on “Okay, so eat.” to which Ellen responds “I eat,” the thing is that Kelly does actually care about Ellen in the most selfless way possible (as we proceed, there’s going to be a family therapy which I think is one of the best and realistic scenes of the movie since it shows how the family can effect on one’s health and how even one person caring can make you accomplish a lot) because when Ellen says “I’ve got it under control, Nothing bad is going to happen.” She says one of the most iconic lines “How many people do you think are down there? Like, two million? I bet a bunch of them who are about to die just said the exact same thing.”

Fast-forwarding to Ellen getting submitted into a new in-patient and it showing that the new doctor is pretty straight forward that he doesn’t want to give anyone “hope” neither he’s interested in patients that don’t want to live anymore. As she gets submitted to the in-patient, the story begins, the story of rising and falling in life while having a mental disorder. We’re introduced to another major role in the movie which is Luke and other patients that are going through what she’s going through in their own special way. What this movie beautifully represents is the variety of how people deal with having a mental disorder and how it may appear on someone, for example, you may think that someone with a disorder that mentally doesn’t allow them to eat anything to be very thin but we can see an obese girl having BDD. A thing that stands to me is that they never once mention the word “anorexia” by its full term, they might call themselves “rexies” from time to time, but no one wants to admit that they have a mental illness or even admit that they are sick. We see a quite unique group of people, someone who’s “tubed” and lives in “pony-land” even though they might be past their 20’s and is afraid of healing because she doesn’t believe that she’s sick and gets nausea thinking about food, A pregnant lady that got knocked-up by a random guy but wants to keep the baby and has a beautiful line (that even Ellen herself points out) “I just want to think about something besides me for once” which what a mental disorder in my opinion (especially in this case) is about “being too obsessed with yourself, that you think the world orbits around you” and my favourite character, Luke. He’s there because he has a “dream” a “goal” he wants to heal and keeps giving people a new perspective that they should too find a goal in life and try to get better for it. He’s optimistic but you can see throughout the movie that he’s just as broken as the others, that he as well wants to lose hope and die, but for the others he’s comfort, sometimes he might be overwhelming to the other patients as he might get too optimistic and cheerful –something that people with mental illnesses either don’t want to see or even be- but at the end, he’s the one that “saves” Eli (as she changes her name, which props to her doctor cause I really think that that was a really good idea, it somehow is a starting step towards a big change in life) although the doctor was really helpful because personally, I like people (especially therapists) to be straight forward, and their conversation

 “I just don't see the point.

- There is no point. Or at least, big picture, we don't get to know what it is. Why we live, why Megan lost the baby, why that girl killed herself.

- You're not reassuring me, doctor.

- I can't reassure you. This idea you have that there's a way to be safe...it's childish and cowardly. It stops you from experiencing anything, including anything good.

- You don't think I feel bad enough already? I know I'm messed up... but you're supposed to teach me how not to be.

-You know, how. Stop waiting for life to be easy. Stop hoping for somebody to save you. You don't need another person lying to you. Things don't all add up. But you're resilient. Face some hard facts and you could have an incredible life”

Was a major breaking point. In the movie Eli’s family play a big role in her life as we can see in the family therapy session most of them are self-centered and want to blame one another for Eli’s situation, her mother coming out as gay to her at the age of 13 and getting a divorce from her father and marrying her best friend, her father not being at the picture at all as we don’t even see him once in the movie because he keeps coming up with excuses that he can’t be there for his daughter that has a big negative effect on Eli as she’s always asking whether her father is showing up or not, two step-mums which show their full support, Susan which she now lives with and is really trying so hard to bond with Eli and is knocking on every door to find a cure for her and Olive that seems to be very strict but kind as well, A sister –Kelly- which I’ve already discussed, that shows to be a very caring younger sister. At the end of the movie Eli decides to visit her mother, they have a really heartbreaking scene in the tent that her mother points out that when Eli was born she had postpartum depression and how she couldn’t hold Eli as baby and she’s regretting it so she offers that she should feed her like a baby (a way that a friend recommended) which at first Eli said no to but then when her mother wants to leave quoting that she accepts if Eli doesn’t want to live anymore she cries out her name saying that she wants to be fed and rocked to sleep.

There are three final points that I want to discuss:

1.       The rain scene: doctor Beckham scheduled a trip for the whole group to a place that has fake rain. Rain in the popular culture is a symbol of life and that’s why doctor Beckham decided to bring them there, to show them how it feels to be alive. It was so beautifully painted and I think everyone at that specific moment, even Eli who has a very dark view on life felt amazing and wanted to be alive and most importantly stay alive.

2.       Eli’s relationship with Luke: as they get know each other better, they tend to be good friends, finding some same interests and having the polar opposite opinions in life really matched them up. We can see that Luke has known Eli for a while now throughout her paintings and artworks on her blog and Eli was his muse until she took the blog down (because someone killed herself because of her works and sent her a letter). Luke finds out what her favourite candy is and gets her that candy forcing her to smell, touch and then take a bite out of it which she refuses and yells at Luke saying that he shouldn’t be too pleased with himself, Luke then takes her on a date as he has earned points (because he has been eating and gaining weight) which at first Eli refuses but then accepts as Luke says they can walk the whole way and she will gain no weight if she eats, the restaurant scene is pretty intimate, showing how good they’re bonding and how Luke is lovingly looking at her and is sad that she chews the food and then spits it out even though she finds it very delicious and is actually hungry. The second swing scene is where they have an immediate rise and fall, first opening up about things like virginity and sex and Luke asking if she was abused sexually when she was younger which she says the “casual groping” as women tend to grow out breasts and the “slurs” which they both ironically discuss how women are just objects for men –which this was one of the good points the movie brought up, how women get cat-called so often that they don’t even view it as sexual harassment anymore and how it’s a problem in society and how it deeply affects women and objectifies them and we need to shine light on it- he says that she needs to be touched by someone who cares about her and kisses her, as the kiss deepens, Luke says that he’s falling in love with her and that was so irrational for her that she breaks them off and says they haven’t known each other enough to fall in love and Luke blames her on that behalf. We don’t see the relationship getting fixed or better as Eli wants to get out of the house Luke says to her that she’s his only hope in life since his dream of being a ballerina is crushed due to the fact that his knee now needs surgery but she just leaves him to get out. At the end as she has the dream (which is my final point of discussion) we see Luke in her dream and how he helps her survive and come back to the house. (I personally hope they get back together!)

3.       Eli’s final dream/coma: after her heartbreaking scene with her mother she takes a late-night trip to the desert as she gets tired and lays down, she wakes up in some sort of after-life (as she has been eating poorly the past few days and she has finally achieved her goal of fitting her arm into her fist meaning that she has lost her hope and there isn’t much left of her) she’s looking healthy and is greeted by Luke pointing out a tree, on the next scene she’s sitting both under the tree and on the tree with Luke, sharing an intimate moment with him and looking up at herself feeling discussed with her now full-of-hope self. Luke asks her to look at herself to which she looks down to see herself lying on the ground, naked, dead, to the bone; she finally realises what she has done to herself and what the effects of her death may be and when she wakes up she’s finally happy to be alive and looks joyfully at life. Now she’s ready to heal, finds out who actually cares about her as she tightly hugs her step mum Susan which she found annoying at first (because she actually cared) and now wants to try one last time.

 Final thoughts: This movie was directed by Marti Nixon a woman in her early 50’s which was loosely based on her own life experience and wants to shine a light on a mental disorder that is quite popular amongst women. I think it had a really good point-of-view and discussed so many taboo things in society, such as LGBTQ+ rights, mental disorders and toxic family behaviours. I would definitely recommend everyone to watch it and not take things they have in life for granted and how they should review their behaviour towards life and other people –and how deeply one wrong action can change a person’s life entirely- and take better care of themselves and their beloved ones (as we can see that Eli was an effect from a failed relationship of two people who probably didn’t want kids or didn’t know how to raise one and how Eli blames herself for all that mentioning that she’s not viewed as a “person” anymore in her parents’ life but rather as a “problem.”)  And not respond with “you just want attention” if someone opens up about a struggle to you.

 -Negin Hamesh 10/06/19, a brief review of the movie “To the bone (2017)” directed and written by Marti Nixon.

[tellininmiths1978-blog]

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