#maybe if becoming a biologist was my dream I would do it

[radioactive-worm-on-string]

All I’m saying is that it’s tragic how very intelligent students are forced to drop out and made feel stupid because some professors feel the need to make their courses so intense that one needs to study 50-60 hours a week, while they just need rest to function, but would have no problem understanding the material if they just had to study 40 hours a week, the actual fucking guidelines for what full-time studies should be.

[yourunhingedgirlfriend]

Disclaimer: All info posted here comes from their respective creator itself so yes, its legit and not just part of my imagination 💯

Interview Rules:

The interviewer can only ask 10 questions.

The interviewer cannot force an answer out of anyone.

The participant has the right not to elaborate their answer.

CW: Long post ahead / Interviewer being a Ketamine simp / Gavin's surprise cameo

Interviewer: Hi Guys! I hope you're doing well today. Thank you for participating on this social experi- *coughs* interview. Btw, you can call me CC, I'm your interrogator today sent by your beloved MC, so please cooperate :) Are we ready? Lets start:

Question No 1: Aside for being a yandere, whats your dream job/profession?

❤️ Casanova: I wanted to be a chef for the longest time, but i’m happy with my job as an organ harvester!

🕊️ Krow: I-I actually like m-my job as a f-forensics cleaner but... I-I'd love to b-be a stay at home s-spouse a-and just do a-art.

🔪 Ezra: I actually really enjoy my current job. I've had it for going on... 7 years now? Almost 8. (Interviewer: Can we ask what your job is? No? Okay. *thumbs up* bish i value my life more)

🔥 Harper: Hmm, if I had to pick any kind of job, maybe a pyrotechnic?

💐 Keith: To become a plant biologist.

🎮 Tenebris: Be a musician.

🖥️ Virgil: My dream profession is to be Game Developer, I enjoy video games and I have always wanted to make a game for others to enjoy, and so that’s why I’m taking classes of game development.

🎤 Adam: I already have my dream job. Although, I did often think about becoming a vet as a kid. Sometimes I wonder how life would've turned out had I pursued that career instead of singing.

🐕 Henry: I’m not sure! I’ll probably do whatever Buttercup ends up doing!

Interviewer: Atleast some of you love their job *sigh* Me? I just want to be a cat, no work, just meow meow *defeated sigh* Back to the topic at hand:

Question No 2: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? (Vacation or permanently)

❤️ Casanova: Barcelona, that’s where i was born and it’s really pretty there

🕊️ Krow: Ah! I-India! I-I'm Indian but... I-I actually don't know m-much about my heritage. I... w-wanna go s-see the land of m-my culture. W-with Dove too o-of course!

🔪 Ezra: Hmm... Anywhere with my Sugarsnap? If that's not too cheesy I suppose. But outside of that I'd like to visit Blaire's extended family in Vietnam.

🔥 Harper: I’m definitely more a big city kind of guy, so I’m pretty happy living where I am… To visit though? Hmm… Somewhere with some snowy mountains maybe, do some snowboarding, chill by a fire with some hot cocoa? Yeah, that sounds nice..

💐 Keith: It will be Kristenbosh National Botanical Garden.

🎮 Tenebris: My old home probably.

🖥️ Virgil: I’ve always wanted to go Iceland for vacation

🎤 Adam: As long as I'm by your (MC) side, it doesn't matter where I'm at~

🐕 Henry: Anywhere where Buttercup is good with me! But if we could both go somewhere, Disneyland might be fun!

Interviewer: So if MC just dissapear out of nowhere, thats the list of places where we can found them? Hmm ..

Question No 3: Song that you will sing to MC if given a chance.

❤️ Casanova: baby - eslabon armado

🕊️ Krow: Uhhh... uhhh... I-I guess... T-Together Forever would be c-cute...

🔪 Ezra: A few different songs, most notably... We'll never have sex by Leith Ross, Let you break my heart again by Laufey & Philharmonia or Habits by Genevieve Stokes. I just want sugar to know I want them for more than... anything. I love their heart and soul, it's not physical for me. Though I do find them incredibly attractive.

🔥 Harper: Actually sing myself?... Umm.. Maybe either Day 1 or No Song Without You, both by Honne?

💐 Keith: Can't Help Falling in Love

🎮 Tenebris: Trust by 7 Seconds

🖥️ Virgil: Rises the Moon, it’s a comfort song of mine, my mum sings this to me and my younger siblings when we were little, by then whenever my mother is busy, I sing the song to my siblings. And Hopefully, I can sing it to my beloved, as a way to help them if they need comfort.

🎤 Adam: *fidgeting because he's written one song in particular that he'd love for MC to hear but is worried that MC will wind up hating it*

🐕 Henry: The Promise by When in Rome! It’s our song!

Interviewer: *secretly adding all the songs to their playlist*

Question No 4: Name one food that you will never ever eat.

❤️ Casanova: Mac and cheese, i fucking hate mac and cheese.

🕊️ Krow: I-I'm never... eating b-bland... white people c-cooking EVER a-again.

🔪 Ezra: Beans on toast. I just don't particularly like beans. Or sweet potatoes.

🔥 Harper: Ugh… Raisins

💐 Keith: Rabbit meat.

🎮 Tenebris: Anything with bugs.

🖥️ Virgil: Anything fish related, I do not like fish, but if someone ever served me, I would just suck it up and eat.

🎤 Adam: *doing 5 stages of disgusted face known to humankind* Anything from Saffrons freezer. (Interviewer: Time to raid Saffron's freezer hehehe)

🐕 Henry: I can’t bring myself to eat cauliflower. It's so bland!

Interviewer: *proceed to eat Mac & Cheese to spite Nova* I dont trust people who hates Mac & Cheese.

Question No 5: This would be a little bit of personal, so you have a choice not to answer this okay? Whats your most treasured possession?

❤️ Casanova: Mi vida’s house key, of course! it’s a little mangled bc i keep chewing on it though.

🕊️ Krow: Oh... w-well... t-this pendant is... p-precious but... well... I-I actually don't have m-many possessions. S-so... everything I have has m-meaning. (Interviewer: I can be your possession Krow)

🔪 Ezra: Eliana gave me a tie she made back in elementary school. Neither of our dads are in the picture so she gave it to me instead. I still wear it to work sometimes. (Interviewer: *starts crying bc this answer is so precious*)

🔥 Harper: This lighter here, we have a bit of history together~

💐 Keith: A bonsai tree I got from my father and I had for 7 years.

🎮 Tenebris: My guitar.

🖥️ Virgil: My necklace, it’s a gift from my dad.

🎤 Adam: You (MC). But if we're talking about an item...*he tugs on his earring*

🐕 Henry: A picture / polaroid of me + Buttercup as kids! (though, I do have more updated ones too…)

Interviewer: I am suprised no one answered MC's nose hair or whatever. Hmm.. Im not fully convinced but I will trust you on this one.

Question No 6: Nosy ask, whats your phone wallpaper right now?

❤️ Casanova: a photo of mi vida in the middle of taking their meds!

🕊️ Krow: D-Dove let us t-take a selfie! I-it's so cute aaaa--

🔪 Ezra: I managed to snap a photo of Sugar and Ellie cuddled up on the couch after a movie night once. I've never before felt so much love swelling in my chest. It almost hurt.

🔥 Harper: *proudly present his phone* 1st is my lockscreen and 2nd is my Homescreen. I took it myself..

💐 Keith: A pair of white lilies (Why is this the most normal answer on this whole interview?)

🎮 Tenebris: We share the same phone, so a pair of white lillies also.

🖥️ Virgil: Pixel art of my beloved Galaxy and my puppy Scott, aren’t they so cute in pixel form? (Interviewer: Scotty baby *coos at the phone* )

🎤 Adam: My home screen is of YOU (MC). My lock screen is of a stray kitten I found on my way to the studio that Ethans younger brother ended up taking in. (Interviewer: Do you have any other pics of the kitten? *cat lady vibes intensifies*)

🐕 Henry: A picture of Buttercup sleeping! How’d I get it? (Note: Its in a modern Au bc mobile phone with camera is not yet invented on Henry's time)

Interviewer: MC supremacy yass! If only some surgeon named Ketamine Yetrovzski use my photo as his wallpaper *coughs* (Ketamine shouting "NO" can be heard in the background but still here supporting the interviewer, this fuckin tsundere)

Question No 7: If you could appear in any popular movie/anime/book, which one would you choose?

❤️ Casanova: hmm, i would say the hp lovecraft series! hate the guy but i’m a major monster fucker

🕊️ Krow: Umm... I... I-I wanna be in a Jane A-Austen book. As a p-protagonist. N-no matter what... t-they marry happily in t-the end.

🔪 Ezra: Well... I guess... I'm not sure. I've never really thought about it. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I can't imagine my life without Eliana and I don't want to be anywhere without my sugarcube.

🔥 Harper: Ah.. thats a hard one.. If I get powers n shit and I’m not just a normal person maybe Jujutsu Kaisen?... Tbh I play more games than I do watch or read anything haha..

💐 Keith: Sherlock Holmes, because solving murder cases looks like fun. So does creating the perfect murder. *a sudden smoke appear near Keith for dramatic effect*

🎮 Tenebris: Inuyasha. I really want a Kagome. (Interviewer putting their Kagome costume)

🖥️ Virgil: Hmmmm that’s a tough one… Haha I couldn’t think of anything right now.

🎤 Adam: Death note, the anime. I think I could do a lot better with that notebook than light Yagami did. (Hermit, the creator, rolls their eyes behind the scenes and Adam glaring daggers to Hermit)

🐕 Henry: The Princess Bride! That movie is practically about me + Buttercup.

Interviewer: Im with Harper on this one. JJK so I cant prevent Nanami and Nobara Shibuya Arc huhuhu.

Question No 8 : What are some habits you have? Any strange ones?

❤️ Casanova: I tend to scratch at my braces when i’m trying to focus, often i’d end up chewing on my fingers.

🕊️ Krow: Uhh.... I... bite my h-hands... a lot. It's... a comfort t-thing. S-sometimes my forearms too. I-I guess I also make the same expression a-as to what I'm d-drawing.

🔪 Ezra: When eating food like burgers or sandwiches I eat around the edge and then eat the center last. Um... I also tend to rub things with my fingertips when I don't know what to do with my hands. I'm almost always touching my nails absent-mindedly.

🔥 Harper: I have a habit of scratching my fingertips, especially when I’m nervous… Its kinda a bad habit, sometimes I scratch em a little raw.

💐 Keith: Buttoning and unbuttoning my shirt sleeve when Im bored or nervous.

🎮 Tenebris: Leaving my things all over the bed

🖥️ Virgil: Hmmmm, whenever I play a video game that has levels right? And I messed up one thing, I restart the level. Don’t know why, I just like to go through the levels smoothly. It’s pretty frustrating if you ask me ahaha

🎤 Adam: I don't have any strange habits. I'm just a normal guy. (Someone shouts LIAR and its not Hermit, i swear. Or maybe?)

🐕 Henry: Hmmm…I have really bad sleeping habits if I’m being honest! I’m lucky if I can get 3 hours of sleep at night. As for strange ones, nope, I’m perfectly normal! (now the interviewer is also shouting LIAR)

Interviewer: That was the biggest lie Ive ever heard in my entire life Henry. *headache incoming* No one is normal here. Im not even normal smh.

Question No 9: This question was submitted by Gavin Hyeon of Camp Willlow Peak. Its time to test your flirting skill, give me one pick up line that you will probably use when flirting with MC. Gavin said he is watching you right now.

❤️ Casanova: if you were a heart i’d eat you out!

🕊️ Krow: N-no wonder i-it's overcast t-today. All t-the colors are in y-your eyes.

🔪 Ezra: Sometimes I wonder what good deed I did to deserve such a perfect soul like you to enter my life.

🔥 Harper: Pickup lines really aren’t my thing… Gavin did write down this one for me once though… Lets see it’s here somewhere…” *digs through his pockets and pulls out a piece of scrap paper* “Here it is… ‘Hey baby… You got any Italian in you?.. No?... Do you want some?’ …… I don’t get it 😐 *Gavin cheering in the background*

💐 Keith: Im really not a fan of pickup lines, but okay, "You're sweet enough to give me diabetes".

🎮 Tenebris: Tie your shoelaces, I don't want you falling for someone else!" (Legend says that until now, Tenebris is still waiting for MC to wear shoelaces and for them to be untied.)

🖥️ Virgil: Hmmm let me go grab my telescope, so I can admire the beautiful star.

🎤 Adam: *combusts into one giant human blush* (Hermit doing a voice over: He can only flirt on the fly. If he has to think his actions through he'll get self conscious and overheat from overthinking it)

🐕 Henry: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together!

Interviewer: *currently helping Gavin to write his will of testament before he becomes Gavin Flavored Toasted Marshmallow, recipe by Harper*

Question No 10: This would be the last question, and I want to thank you again for giving me a chance to interview you. Before we end this, do you have anything you want to say to the people reading this?

❤️ Casanova: if you ever need fresh organs without having to do it yourself contact valentine’s anatomy distribution! we have a wide selection available, and if you’re a fellow yandere homie you get a discount!

🕊️ Krow: Uhh, well? I-I guess... t-thank you for... f-finding me interesting.

🔪 Ezra: Not particularly. I'm not sure why Lilith arranged the interview but I don't mind answering questions. I should probably head back into work soon though... Oh, I will say this. Thank you for coming into my life Sugar, I didn't think I could love someone like I love you.

🔥 Harper: .. Unshrimp your fucking backs, love you~

💐 Keith: Um, hello. I hope my answers weren't too boring.

🎮 Tenebris: No? I don't know 'em.

🖥️ Virgil: Hello everyone, I hope all of you have a wonderful day, afternoon, or night, make sure to take care of yourselves or else I will if you don’t mind hehe~

🎤 Adam: Is...YOU (MC) reading this? Because if you are, I hope to see you again really soon~

🐕 Henry: You guys are kinda weird for wanting an interview! I’m not quite sure what else to say though!

Interviewer: And that would be all. Thank you to our lovely guests for joining us today. And here is the bribe. List of all 2d characters MC currently simping for. Do what you want with that info.

Interviewer: Hi Hi guys! Again, CC here. Thank you again for entertaining this interview. To end this, may we ask for a few advices you can give for those aspiring artist out there or those who want to create their own vn.

NOVA belongs to @cannibalsweetheart : if you’re starting a project don’t feel unmotivated if you don’t get a lot of traction in the first few weeks, building a platform takes time, but soon enough you’ll gain an audience! (Demo link here)

Krow belongs to @thekrows-nest : While I don't have immediate plans for a VN (despite folks begging for it), for artist stuff, keep experimenting and trying out things. Don't be afraid to go to friends for advice. (:

Ezra belongs to @restartheartvn : lshdfksdfhj okay for my answer! My advice? Don't make something for other people. Make what YOU want to see. Make something that YOU are interested in. If you like... make something that you don't love and enjoy making people can tell. It doesn't come off as genuine and you'll burn out that way. Don't think about numbers or anything like that. Make stuff because it makes you happy. I make Restart Heart because I love my little passion project. I love it so much I get my nails done to match my game and spend most of the day thinking about it. I would still be making Restart Heart if no one played. Make something that you would want to make even if no one saw. Even if you were the only person in the world who loves it, make it because it brings you happiness. Sorry if that's cheesy or like super standard but it's genuine. (Demo link here)

Harper belongs to @campwillowpeak : Hmmm, other than the good ol’ practice practice practice?…Try and remember to have fun yeah? Don’t focus on numbers, yeah everyone wants more eyes on their work, thats normal, but if you focus only on how big you are you’re gonna burn out and get discouraged, stuff like that takes time, consistency, and a little bit of luck. In the meantime just have fun and make friends! Besides, people can tell if you’re trying to force it, an audience’ll more often stay if they can tell you’re legitimately having fun! And never just look at where you are now… Look at how far you’ve come from too!~

Keith & Tenebris belongs to @dualityvn : Make sure you set realistic goals for yourself. Taking on too many tasks and planning a project that is bigger than what you can currently manage can be your downfall. Stay positive and always create the things you yourself love! (Demo link here)

Virgil belongs to @wouldyoustayvn : Take your time! There’s no need to rush to make the game quickly! Make sure to take breaks!))

Adam belongs to @unknownhermit : Please get a good chair. It'll help in the long run when you're often crouched over your desk for hours on end. Don't be like me who hovers over my desk like a hermit crab shell.😅 Second thing is to just have fun creating and don't worry about what others think! I used to obsessively worry if my work was good enough and wound up never releasing it because I got self conscious. It wasn't until YOU and HIM that I actually had fun with what I was doing and I think that translated into my work. Create to create for yourself. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks because it's important to create what you love and are passionate about. And I'm sure a lot of us would love to see what sorts of things you'll come up with. 💙 (Demo link here)

Henry belongs to @homecomingvn : Ahh, I’m a really bad person to ask for advice if I’m being honest! I guess all I can really say is that no matter how silly you think your idea is, there will be an audience for it! It can be scary to put yourself out there, but honestly, this community is so incredibly supportive + I’ve met some amazing people here! Also, I’d recommend keeping various docs about your project! It’s nice to have it all in one (or 3 + a google slides in my case) place so you can have a clear idea about your wip + its characters. And lastly, be prepared for people to be horny! ^^ (okay, you dont have to call me out >…< will still send horny ask bc someone needs to 😙)

Just a little self indulgent ramblings. I dont know if anyone already know about this game, but one of my moots recommended this, its DONT LOOK VN and I tell you, its so good. The story premise, the creepy atmosphere and the voice acting are all on point. They have on going Kickstarter and they only have 8 days left to reach the goal. This is my way of helping since im unable to pledge bc the banks here in the country im currently residing are shitty and they keep declining, so please if you have means to support, please do. Lets help them to reach their goals.

Here is the link of the demo also and their socials:

Kickstarter | Demo | Twitter | Tumblr

DO IT FOR CHESTER!!

[eve-was-framed]

It’s the two year anniversary of the Robb Elementary massacre. All 21 victims are equally important of course but the story of Maite Rodriguez has really stuck with me since I learned about her.

“In the days and weeks following the fatal Robb Elementary School shooting in Uvalde, Texas, mother Ana Rodriguez has been fighting for answers through her daughter's shoes.

Her daughter, 10-year-old Maite Rodriguez, was one of 21 killed in the May 24 massacre. She was identified solely through her size five pair of green Converse with a drawn-on heart on the left toe.

We were at a local shoe store here and she wanted Converse," Rodriguez recalled. "She saw at the bottom shelf these lime green Converse and they were on sale, so she said, 'Look mama, look at these shoes. I found Converse,' and I said, 'Well let's see if they're your size,' and they were her size. They were her exact size.

Two days later, Rodriguez said she saw her daughter sporting a freshly drawn heart on the toe.

“I said 'Maite, why did you draw a heart on your shoes? I just got those for you,' and she goes, 'Just because I really like them,'" she said.

The heart, Rodriguez feels, is a testament to Maite's sweet nature.

"She was just an all-around sweet girl. My sweet girl, that's what I called her – my sweet girl," Rodriguez said. "She was smart, beautiful and best-of-all she was my best friend, and I don't exaggerate on that. She was my best friend. We went everywhere together."

Together they planned to visit Texas A&M University-Corpus Christi, Maite's dream school where she hoped to become a marine biologist.

"It started in kindergarten. She couldn't even say marine biologist yet… I thought with time she's going to change her mind; she's going to want to be a nurse or something when she gets older. Well, she never changed her mind," Rodriguez said. "I wanted to keep encouraging her, you know, maybe if she saw the college or the university, the ocean – it would just keep driving her even harder."

The university has since unveiled the Maite Yuleana Rodriguez scholarship, which will be awarded to a student from Uvalde who is pursuing a degree in marine biology.

[serial-tickler]

15 questions for 15 friends:

Thanks for the tag @androgynousangeldreamland 😌

1. Were you named after anyone?

Nope! Not as far as I know!

2. When was the last time you cried?

Honest answer? A couple days ago. I've been struggling lately, but we keep marching on 🫡

3. Do you have kids?

No, I don't have any kids! But I'd love to have them one day 😊

4. What sports do you play/have you played?

I've played soccer, baseball and basketball! I know my way around balls, alright! (no diddy 🤣)

5. Do you use sarcasm?

Occasionally, I wouldn't say I'm lost in the sarcasm-sauce though!

6. What is the first thing you notice about people?

Probably the way they carry themselves, if that makes sense? Whether they seem confident or whether they don't, stuff like that. I think that's the first thing I notice.

7. What's your eye color?

I've got blue eyes, but not from the spice! ✨️🪱 (if you get the reference, you're my type of person 😉)

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Oh lord... that's such a hard one!! I love horror movies... I even go as far as to watch them all alone in complete darkness 🤣😎 but if someone put a gun to my head I'd probably pick happy endings! (and not just cuz i'd want it to end happily for me!! 🤪)

9. Any talents?

Hmmm... I'm naturally good with money, is that a talent? 😂 my aunt always says "you have both Dutch and Chinese blood. You were destined to be good with money!" However, not everyone in the family seems to have that talent lmao! I feel like I'm also a pretty good cook, among other things, and I have a pretty dang good memory (which can be both a blessing and a curse tbh haha)

10. Where were you born?

Born and raised in Holland 🌷🧀🍃 (I was actually born in the house I live next to rn)

11. What are your hobbies?

I love reading, writing, playing video games, hanging out with friends, being in nature and stargazing! 🌟

12. Do you have any pets?

I've got a doggo and a lil lovebird! 🐶🦜

13. How tall are you?

I believe I'm like 5'10", maybe a bit taller depending on the shoes I'm wearing!

14. Favorite subject in school?

Hmmm, it's been a while, but I really loved biology! Wanted to become a biologist for a little while. Unfortunately, I dropped out of chemistry (because I SUCKED at it) but that was before I found out I needed it to study biology in college 😅😂

15. Dream job?

I want to be involved in a lot of different things. I love growing food, writing, tech, nature, art, and the list keeps going tbh!! My dream job would be to be involved in many different things! I hope to make enough money to be able to do so one day 😌

Whoever reads this, join in and pass it on if you can! But don't feel obligated! I dont even have 15 mutuals on here, so i'm tagging a handful of people I think are cool! @ticklishsoftie @sensitivemarie @hunnybunny2424 @biggirlpositive @dreamykirb @daisylovestickles @noonejustr

[nocturnalazure]

Heyyy I just got caught up on your story, I had missed it so much (and you, sorry for my absence). And I'm just in time to have not missed your character asks, so! I want to know 5, 19, 13, and 24 for Eloise ❤️

I missed you too, thank you for all the likes!! 💜 But don't apologize, I know how real life gets in the way sometimes.

Sweet Eloise... of course! :3 Thank you for sending those!

5. How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want?

I believe this is more for Dark Eloise as Eloise doesn't really have any ambitions besides making everyone happy (which also means she would quickly give up if she's hurting anyone).

There are no real limits to what Dark Eloise would do. Mostly, she wants to use and explore her powers to the fullest and she doesn't care if it means destroying everything in her path. She's got an inflated sense of self and not much regard for anyone else. With the exception of Tristan. The simple mention of his name makes her pause. Also Eloise herself: because their communication has improved, Eloise is no longer silent when Dark Eloise is in control and she could be able to sway her dark alter.

13. If you met your OC, would the two of you get along?

I think we would! :) Eloise craves for a friend, even if she's awkward about it, she's also sincere and open. There is a lot of me in Anh, and Anh seems to have become Eloise's first friend so...

But I don't know how I'd deal with Dark Eloise tbh. ^^;

19. How does your OC behave when enraged?

Well, we've had a bit of a preview already...

Angry Eloise is... just Normal Eloise with a frown, really. But being angry because someone has been hurt for example is the only reason why she would willingly use her powers for fighting.

Angry Dark Eloise now is something else. I think she'd turn into a black hole. xD Maybe we'll see this someday...

24. What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they'd made those decisions?

Eloise never really had much choice in what happened to her, be it her powers, or being dragged between her parents, or her relationship with Tristan or Hugo... But what could have changed things for her is that she could have had an education. She would have loved to become a scientist (like a biologist for example), but she believes that she is not smart enough.

Give it some time. She's got all of eternity to change her mind about herself and her abilities. ;)

Dark Eloise's dream life path is pretty clear: Ruler of the Land, feared and respected by both enemies and worshippers. She would probably start a cult.

[ihavetheblues96]

I woke up deciding to better myself for the trillionth time :)

So I woke up today deciding I'll better myself for the trillionth time. Now before you think this is some enlightening post of hope and self recreation. Do not. You'll be completely disappointed. Sorry because I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. I have all the reasons and some motivation I just don't know where to go from here and I need an outlet. So maybe we can figure this out together or most likely I'll be here writing to myself and that's fine too. I always wanted to be a writer but that didn't happen, I also wanted to be a marine biologist but being honest with myself sounds like a good step in this. so today my thing is honesty? or self-honesty. I hate complicated things I'm completely forgetful and honestly wouldn't have made it through college or afforded it and most likely would be burnout. I want a lot of things and dream about the things I want to, see, and do, and have fantasies of made-up colors and adventure scenes in my head but what's real, and what is an attempt from my mind trying to distract me from my depression? I have no reason to be completely depressed. I am clinically diagnosed not that anyone knows. well, now you know. I hate medicines that make me feel fogged up I can't think like that maybe that is the point though. I've made it these 20something years so I'm sure I don't need them too badly. By the way, I am clinically diagnosed not just whining. I feel like I need to clarify so I don't get chewed out. But why is my head like this? my life is not terrible I have 3 loving kids that keep me going a husband I love and 2 real friends. My family is pretty fucked up and complicated but I can't blame that for myself or my brain structure. I guess I'm just fucked up and that's the fine cause aren't we all in some way or form? My actions and thought are completley diffrent from each other. im overly sensitive and my biggest critic as well as my biggest bully. Do i hate myself or do i hate everything i dont let myself become? i want to be better and become better. to be happy. I guess this a self introduction I am code name:Blues. objective to be happy. lets see if i can and lets see if i can do any of my goals today. Be productive. Clean. Play with my 1yr old. Do something for yourself. Its 8:01AM wish me luck

[cotarded]

Do you think the sex we are born as has an impact on our life and personality or is there a possibility we would be exactly the same in terms of our character etc if we were born the opposite sex (to as we are). Also if you had a choice would you still choose to be the sex you are or not really? If yes, why?

idk if its stupid or fake deep or what im tired and curious of your opinion ! cheers ☃️

Hey hi hello! This is not a stupid or fake deep question at all. I’m gonna ramble on a bit, hope you don’t mind. 

So one aspect of it is, at least to me, obvious and evident. Yes, the sex we are born as has a tremendous impact on our life. The way we are raised, perceived, the expectations of our families, schools, employers, what we are taught from the earliest days we should aspire to, what is the purpose of our life and the pinnacle of success - all of those depend on our sex. There’s so much research on the impact of sexed socialisation on boys and girls by now that if I wanted to cite something I wouldn’t know where to start. And if it is so pervasive, so omnipresent - why should we assume it doesn’t affect our personalities?

This is another obvious thing - men and women are characterologically and behaviourally different. Not in a discrete way, there are no “woman traits” and “man traits”, but in a similar way to height distribution - a lot of women will be taller than some men and a lot of men will be shorter than some women, but still as a whole men are significantly taller. Now, character traits are more difficult to compare than height - let’s take aggression; by all objective criteria men are more aggressive. But really, the only thing we can measure is the aggressive behaviour - so are women behaving less aggressively because they feel less aggression, or do they feel the same aggression but don’t display it because they were taught so? We are unable to distill character from societal influence, or at least I am unaware of any way of doing so. 

And now we are arriving at one of the “dangerous”, unsolved questions of feminism - are the characterological and behavioural differences between males and females inherent, borne of sex, or just a result of socialisation? I don’t know. My opinion, based on my own life and observations (and of course political opinions) is that there are biologically-determined differences in character trait distribution, but it is socialisation which accounts for the vast majority of differences in behaviour between men and women. 

I do think that two people with the exact same character preset, just a different sex (see, a biologist in me is already confused as to how would that work with eg. testosterone levels, but let’s roll with the hypothetical), raised in our society would still behave differently from one another. Raised in some ideal space with no gender stereotypes and sexed socialisation, probably they’d be the same person. Which is not to say that men and women can’t behave the same and have the same character traits, even with the socialisation - and if we suddenly got rid of misogyny and patriarchy, I’m sure we’d suddenly became much more similar.

In any way, I think I’d be different if I was born male and I shudder to think of it. Which neatly ties us into the last part - if I had a choice I would still choose to be female, even (or especially) in our misogynistic, patriarchal society. There's a story that I used to tell as a funny anecdote (that's become less funny in recent years): I was quite GNC as a child, and when I first learned about transsexualism (as it was still widely known then) in elementary school, I started wondering if maybe I was trans. So I read a bunch of blogs and articles and was getting ready to present my parents with my case, until one night I had a dream that I went through with it, became a boy, and as a result I had to stop hanging out with girls and start being friends with boys and use their bathrooms and changing rooms… Which cured me Instantly. Of course that’s a bit of tongue-in-cheek, but the fact remains - among a ton of other reasons, I appreciate being female for the connection it gives me to other women. I never got along with men and I have a rather low opinion on majority of them, which means I would prefer not to become one. 

I am also, at this point, quite attached to my “identity”. I know who I am, I grew up as her. I wouldn’t change any of her immutable traits, even to a more “beneficial” ones, because they are parts of me, they inform who I am, how I act and think. Circling back - a man could exhibit the exact same character traits as me, but I wouldn’t be myself if I were male.

Does that make sense?

Cheers! 🎃

[devilsskettle]

🔮 — also 🍫

🔮 what’s your dream job? — i don’t really know! the obvious answer is getting into the horror industry, but i have a degree in classics with a concentration in ancient languages and i have no idea what to do with it. i like the idea of going into archaeology or museum studies in some capacity. it would be cool to be an archivist of some kind. i also like to write (fiction, poetry, nonfiction/academic writing) so once i get some fucking motivation to write something worth publishing, it would be great to make money off of that lol. but who hasn’t wanted to be a writer, right? i’ve also been considering becoming a paralegal lately lol but i can’t decide if i’d actually be into that or if i just like the concept and would end up fucking hating it. i’ve also wanted to become a dramaturge or a marine biologist or somebody who studies bears in the wilderness so maybe my ideal life would include a lot of variety and adventure

🍫 cheese or chocolate? — definitely chocolate

[acemapleeh]

Tag Game To Better Know You! Send this to people you’d like to know better!

Thank you @fizzycherrycola and @hetagrammy for tagging me <3

What book are you currently reading?

Currently, and very slowly, making my way through How to be a Victorian. I haven't had a lot of free time to be able to read as much as would want to this year. I hope next year when I change my job, I'll find something that gives me more time to do so.

What’s your favourite movie you saw in theatres this year?

I'm like, trying to reach back in my mind all the movies I've seen this year in theaters. The Menu was a really fun watch for the most recent thing I watched. Bullet Train was also a ride, pun intended. I'm trying to remember what I watched in theaters versus at home and honestly, I think I watched a lot of movies that were released this year at home.

What do you usually wear?

In warm or hot weather, t-shirt, cargo shorts and flip flops. In cold weather, loose cut jeans, t-shirt, flannel, hoodie, and either converse or boots.

How tall are you?

As tall as Arthur's canon height.

What’s your Star Sign? Do you share a birthday with a celebrity or a historical event?

Capricorn and I share a birthday with the day the Treaty of Ghent ended the War of 1812

Do you go by your name or a nick-name?

Irl I go by my real name but everywhere online I go by Ace

Did you grow up to become what you wanted to be when you were a child?

Nope :) I wanted to either be a marine biologist or an author. I'm a 5th-grade teacher and my life has been in constant stress and pain since.

Are you in a relationship? If not, who is your crush if you have one?

Yes, I am happily married 💗

What’s something you’re good at vs. something you’re bad at?

What am I good at: retrieving information and remembering trivial knowledge, writing, making quick and stupid memes, singing, and point-and-click adventure games

What I'm bad at: cooking, effectively communicating my feelings and wants and needs, any sort of physical activity, drawing, knowing any brand or type of car like help me, and telling when people are lying

Dogs or cats?

Cats 🐈

If you draw/write, or create in any way, what’s your favourite picture/favourite line/favourite etc. from something you created this year?

Honestly, my favorite piece I've written this year was Come Ashore for Rack and Ruin, like, I feel like the whole piece just came together and felt really good to write. Same with the second chapter of Dreams of Philadelphia. These are my favorite lines from them respectively:

Matthew didn’t fall anywhere special, he didn’t stand out amongst any of the other dead Canadian soldiers that Alistair finally stumbled across. His body lay upright and Alistair risked a precious second to push the lad’s goggles to his forehead to reveal glossed-over, grey-blue eyes staring towards the heavens; maybe the lingering spirit of Matthew could see it a little clearer now. Like everyone, he was covered in gore and mud. Alistair didn’t think the lad could be any quieter than he already was. Silent as a church mouse now quiet as a Catholic grave.

A place Alfred had long associated with life and freedom, one of the birthplaces of who he was reeked of death. Open windows that once lead way to cheerful laughter and freshly made apple butter now let the souls of the dead pass through as well as the stench of decay.

What’s something you would like to create content for?

A dream would be to write something similar to the American Girl books, some good historical fiction for a younger audience to get young readers interested in history but not just for America but for other countries as well.

What’s something you’re currently obsessed with?

Other than Hetalia? Furthering continuing my downfall of being a 2012 tumblr entity by rewatching Doctor Who.

What’s something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?

Honestly speaking my job. I was really looking forward to working at a school as an assistant and was proud to have been offered a higher position early on. I wanted to do well. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to help teach these kids. Every step I take feels like a punishment like I made the wrong choice of what I'm doing.

What’s a hidden talent of yours?

Is being good at the Sims count? Like, I'm really good at decorating interiors and making Sims. Where on my resume can I put that I'm good at creating characters as well as aesthetic image boards.

The only thing I've surprised my wife with doing is being really good at handling all sorts of watercraft such as a jetski and kayak.

Are you religious?    

Not really, no.

What’s something you wish to have at this moment?

An electric blanket, hot coffee, and a new pair of slippers. You cannot put a Californian in weather below 50 degrees.

I’m going to tag some folks to do this if they so wish: @the-phoenix-heart @the-aph-circus @senditothemoonn @myrddin-wylt @crumpled--notes

[koneko-3]

Chapter 3 of "Light"

I was still at my temporary residence, but all of us got down on this case. The only thoughts I could think if who was this person and where are they now. I didn't want them dead since it would be too cruel but I wanted to see them be tortured to beg for forgiveness and only wishing for death. Course that isn't up to me, unfortunately. Setsuna really didn't do much other than go out and get coffee for everyone. Margie on the other hand, would always try to help in any way possible though she didn't have any idea of what she was doing. Meanwhile, me and Ryu assessed the entirety of the crume scene carefully. Since I've lived in that house for a long time, I knew every nook and cranny. The four of us grew closer everyday, practically the three of them I considered my friends. I wasn't lonely anymore! They started feeling like family, a family I could trust. But there was one person who felt more than family to me. I don't want to admit it though. They make me feel a way no one has ever before, like they were ment for me. I don't want to express my feelings just yet or even acknowledge them.

While in my downtime, I picked up a new book. This book was titled "Rise" and it seemed pretty intresting. It was about this traveler finding this girl and going on a journey across the desert. I would recommend it after all. I studied a lot too knowing that what gram gram and aunt Maki would want. I'm not giving up my dream of becoming a marine biologist! I'm going to work as hard to reach my goal! I heard a knock on my door. Entered a strange man dressed in a brown suit. His was really long plus it was blonde so it kinda looked ramen to me. "Your Ryuka Harakawa?" "Yeah?" "I was a friend of your grandmother. I asked about your family and they told me I could find you here." "Okay?" I asked. He lent me a small black box. "This may have a clue to help you find this murderer. Whoever did this. May they be sent to the depths of hell." He yelled. I was confused at this point. I never seen this man before and gram gram had never talked about her friends. I placed the box on the nightstand and didn't even touch it. I wanted to ask Ryu about it before I did anything with it. I knocked on his bedroom door, "Hey, Ryu. I have something I think you should look at." No response. Maybe he's out somewhere. At that moment I recieved a text. It was Tsukuba. "Ryuka, it's been a while since we last spoke. Can we hang sometime?" Instead of texing her back, I called her. The phone rang and this time she picked up. "Hello." "So you want to go out?" "Yeah of course Ryuka. Its been a while since I've seen your lovely face." "Of course, but I'm really busy." "I know, especially after everything thats happened." Her voice seemed sad but also happy. It confused me for a little bit. "Oh, how about we go to that new restaurant! I can't remember the name but we can try it." He tone changed to cheery instantly. "I dont know Tsukuba..." "Oh come on. It will cheer you up!" "Okay..." "Great! Hows tomorrow sound?" "Great." "Good, see you then." After she said that, she hung up. Why was she so happy? I turned around to find Ryu. "Oh, there you are." "Who were you on the phone with?" He asked. "Just a friend, why?" My heart was pounding. The sudden confrontion just scared me plus how he was behind me. "I'm just asking. Plus they might have something to do with the murder. Do they have an alibi?" I didnt understand all the questions all of a sudden. "She doesn't have an alibi but she would never kill anyone." "Really? How are you sure?" My head was spinning at this point. I'm not the person he should be asking these questions. "You know, I'm not even sure, but I know her for a long time. She practically my best friend." "If she was a good friend wouldn't she have been helping you this whole time." "Kinda..." there was an awkward silence between us. He sighed. "Alright, how about this. What was your guys conversation about?" "I'm not telling. That my private matter to worry about!" I yelled. He kinda looked at me and just left to his room. I stopped him at least. "Wait, I have something to show you." "What?" He said sternly. I showed him the box. "Some guy early claiming to be my gram grams friend gave me this. He said it could be helpful." He took the box out of my hand and opened it. Inside seemed to me a small piece of paper. He handed it to me. "Here, you can read this." I opened the paper and and it wrote,

Dear mom,

I wish I could come home but I have to much to worry. Im am now 6 months into my pregnancy. I hope you can meet your grandchild soon but you and Maki are gonna have to wait. My group is doing something this week but after that I'll be home with Kiro.

After that the note seemed to be ripped in half. "It seemes my mother was about of something from what im guessing." "How do infer that this is your mother?" "The pregnancy plus it mention my aunts name." "Who is Kiro?" "I don't know. I've never heard the name Kiro in my life." Kiro, who is this? Maybe this person murdered them. "Ryu, I think the murderer might be Kiro." "What makes you think that?" "Because, we have no idea who it is!" "There's no evidence Ryuka." He smiled at me. It kinda made be blush a little.

That night, after remembering the conversation I had with Tsukuba made me have some thoughts. Why does she really want to see me? Maybe to it's to blab on about her favorite Idol. She is dead anyway, but still talks about her and everything about the horizon. At least she still wants to be there for me. Knowing that thought makes me feel some joy. After school, I gathered my things and started to think, what new restaurant was she talking about. I decided to text her and ask. She only sent me a photo and I instantly knew where it was. It was the diner I had recently went. I texted her back "omw."

[greatwyrmgold]

Beat & Motion & Dreams

So, Beat & Motion seems to be establishing a major theme, one that fits the other stuff it's been doing pretty well. Tatsuhiko gave his animation dream another shot after his band fell through, and he was rewarded with a chance to keep doing animation professionally.

And this hits a personal spot for me.

There were a lot of great anime in 2021, but Aquatope on White Sands was my personal favorite. It's about an idol whose idol dreams fell apart, was given a chance to work at a struggling aquarium, and found joy in it. It aired when I was realizing my dream of becoming a biologist had failed, and was trying to find the joy in accounting work. (Which does exist, depending on the job, but that's a topic for another post.)

My point is, B&M is taking a radically different perspective than Aquatope. Aquatope is about realizing that you don't need to follow your childhood dreams to find happiness. B&M is about rediscovering your childhood dreams, vague as they might be.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a biologist. That's it, "a biologist." I wanted to be a scientist who studies animals and stuff. I never really questioned this dream, I merely iterated on it. My plan was simple: Get a basic biology degree, find some entry-level biology work to figure out exactly what I wanted to do, get a graduate degree in that field, get a better job. I failed step 2, and that's why I'm in accounting school now.

Maybe if I'd picked a field, stuck through several more years of school, and gotten a PhD or something, I could have been a biologist. Maybe that would have worked. But maybe not, and I don't think I would have done it without foreknowledge. I thought I had a dream, but I kinda didn't.

That's the thing about dreams. They're not bound to reality.

The freedom of dreams can be a good thing, but it also makes dreams hard to act on. I couldn't become "a biologist" without a more specific, more grounded idea of what that might entail...and I never got that idea. I would have basically needed an opportunity handed to me.

Luckily for Tatsuhiko, that opportunity came in the form of Nico. On one hand, she literally provides an opportunity for Tatsuhiko to follow his dream, in the sense that she hires him to animate her music video. On the other hand, she also pushes him to pursue his dream.

Nico is dreaming unhindered, not worrying about practicality or tact or anything. Tatsuhiko wants to be an animator, so he should be an animator—and he should try to be the best d**n animator possible, the most skilled, the most successful.

From a plot utility perspective, this makes Nico a bit of a manic pixie dream girl. But she doesn't just wander into Tatsuhiko's life and start making things better just because. She only wants to work with Tatsuhiko because he posted that random butterfly animation. Tatsuhiko took the first step himself, of his own volition, moving himself towards his near-forgotten dream and away from the practical yet dull reality of...a failing rock band?

In case you'd forgotten, Tatsuhiko's job before the animation thing was as the bassist in a crappy band. It lasted a few years, but broke up right before Tatsuhiko listened to a drunk woman rant at him. That lead to him digging out his old drawings, animating on a whim, etc etc.

But before that, he was in a band. A failing band. So on one hand, Tatsuhiko didn't have much to lose by pursuing his dream, which isn't a broadly applicable truth. (Contrast, say, Recovery of an MMO Junkie; Morihito chose to give up a high-paying office job to play MMOs.)

But there's a more fundamental issue here. Bands are also a common dream, an artistic endeavor which few people can turn into an actual career. So why was Tatsuhiko's animation dream successful and his band dream a failure?

I wish I could say I expected this question to be explored in later chapters, but I don't think the band has come up once since chapter 1. Analysis of this question is limited to chapter 1, which doesn't go into much detail. And the detail provided isn't great. There's plenty of framing suggesting that the band is a bad dream, but I can only find one possible reason which makes any sense.

Tatsuhiko's band dream wasn't a "real" dream, because it was forced on him by an outside source. He was talked into his band dream—which, to be clear, was genuinely held. He gets excited about it, just not in the first few panels after he's recruited.

Contrast this with his animation dream, which sprang fully-formed out of the forehead of Zeus...

...or not. It's also the result of someone telling him he should be an animator, this time an old animator giving a presentation at his school. Which is probably a good thing, because it means I don't have to try and litigate the difference between a dream that comes from "inside" and one that comes from "outside". Your insides are shaped by the outside world, after all!

So if that's not it, what's the difference? A few possibilities:

Is it honesty? As far as we know, the animator was just being nice and didn't mean it, while all indications point to the band members being genuine. So...probably not.

Is it initial excitement? Probably not; that's just an absurdly superficial reason to judge a dream "real" or not. It's probably just another way to frame one dream as "good" and the other as "bad," not the reason one is good.

Is it ulterior motive? The band members convince Tatsuhiko to join the band for extrinsic rewards, while the animator doesn't have any apparent motive at all. I guess that's not nothing, but it's barely there.

Did the author, knowing that the band was just a distraction for Tatsuhiko and not his Real Dream, not actually bother to explain why?

I think that the last factor is, at least, a significant component. Beat & Motion isn't terrible—it has its strengths, a clear artistic vision, and a solid idea of how to execute that vision—but it's no masterpiece.

The underdeveloped "band dream" thing isn't a crippling flaw. Generally, an author can just show us that a thing in the protagonist's backstory is Not Good and expect the audience to accept this as true without having to explain why it's Not Good. And this is basically that.

The problem is that the Not Good Thing overlaps with something the story considers extremely good—chasing your dreams. It's not intentionally part of the series's thematic construction, but that doesn't mean it doesn't influence it. You can't write a story about following your dreams, throw in a band failing at their dreams, and not have the latter affect the former somehow.

I hope I'm wrong. I hope Beat & Motion circles back to the question of what dreams should be pursued and which should be abandoned, because that's a pretty significant question for a chase-your-dreams narrative. (And, you know, one that's raised by the protagonist abandoning one dream.)

But that's the state of things, three chapters in.

[gingerbreadgodofhyperdeath]

Maybe I’m just delusional or stuck in a fantasy word of mine but I have so many lives I want to live when I get older, if that makes sense. Like my dream since I was like 6 has been to be a marine biologist and work in an aquarium and I am still working to pursue that but there’s also the part of me that wants to live in San Francisco (for some embarrassing reasons and also just because reasons) and like idk live there and work in a cafe or something and then there’s also a part of me that wants to become a teacher or, now this may sound dumb but bear with me, produce music and like become a recognizable artist to at least some group of people and then there’s also the dream to live in a random cottage somewhere wearing cute clothes and having fun or whatever and I feel like all of these interests and dreams of mine are all stuff that would each take their own lifetime. Things that I won’t be able to all do in only my life because they each take time that I may not have or get the opportunity to do and like I think I have this idea in my head that like my 20s will be spent in this place doing this and my 30s will be spent doing this other thing in this different place and like there’s this idea in my head that idk where it came from that each decade of my life is like a new era or life that I will have a new profession or place to live or just idea that I’m pursuing but I know that’s not how it works especially in this day and age and also just with how my personal self and body and how much it can handle. This was one long rambling thought but I’ve thought about it for so long and like idk if I’m just losing it or what but I hope future me is happy with what I’ve accomplished at that time and what I’m doing

[awesomerextyphoon]

Ravenous

Summary: You’ve lost so much, but with Bucky’s help, maybe you can make something beautiful.

Pairing: Bucky x Eldritch-Enhanced Black Female Reader

Rating: 18+ / Explicit

Word Count: 6.4K

Warnings: Smut, Oral (f and m receiving), ‘Tentacle Job’ (I’m making it a thing), Fantasy Gore, Cannibalism (sort of), Body Worship, Suicidal Thoughts, Mentions of Torture, and a lot of Angst

A/N: This is my entry for the amazing @plaid-shirtsandvibranium-arms’s Cassie’s Make It Badass Challenge. This might be the darkest one-shot I’ve done so far in terms of violence/gore/angst. You have been warned. Dividers are by the lovely @firefly-graphics​. Thanks to @bamposworld and @saiyanprincessswanie​ the beta.

Back to Main Masterlist

“And done!” you huffed as you wiped your forehead of sweat.

You had just finished making a feast of Bucky’s favorites. Heaps of: Baked Ziti, Honey-Tenderized Boeuf Bourguignon, Creamy Mashed Potatoes with Savory Mushroom Gravy, Five Herb Roasted Cornish Hens, Coq au Vin, Three Cheese, and Spinach Ravioli, Rosemary Braised Lamb Shanks with Polenta, Spinach Quiche, Chicken Pot Pie, Beef Stew, Hearty Beef Lasagna, Southern Peach Cobbler, Limoncello Ricotta Cake, Plum Cherry Galette, and Chocolate Cherry Brownie Layer Cake.

The colossal table groaned under the weight of the decadent dishes. You chuckled to yourself hoping you didn’t go overboard.

Your moment of triumph was interrupted by your ravenous appetite. Again.

“I know, I know, “you grumbled rubbing your voracious tummy. “I do hope Bucky comes home soon,” frowning at how you got to this point

 You were on your way home from sending a package to the Post Office on behalf of your cousin Ngozika who was busy getting ready for Erinma’s, your younger sister, birthday party. You wanted to take a shortcut through the park so you could help with the decorations happy that you and your cousin were able to convince her to invite at least ten people; five said yes.

You were halfway past the grove behind the west playground when you felt a ping and the back of your neck as your world faded to black. The last thing you saw was three sets of shoes.

You woke up to a dingy, bare, windowless room with 12 other women aged 18 – 25. An eerily delighted voice announced that you passed the first round of Operation Hellcat. Later it was slipped that there were 50 at the start, but the others were not as lucky.

You spent ten years in that hellhole.

Every day you were pricked, probed, and prodded by perverted and sadistic scientists. All of you were constantly fondled by the guards whenever they had the chance. One scientist, Dr. Tomlin, mused that only you and another survived the fifth year of the project.

Sometime later, when the admins decided to throw you a bone, you met the other survivor. Roxana was a little timid with some fire left in her eyes; you smirked when she gave a guard a right hook after groping her ass.

You talked a few times, avoiding additional disapproval from your captors. You learned that she was the youngest of six who was on her way to a spring festival when they kidnapped her. Roxana would crack a few jokes offering what little levity one could find in your situation.

You talked about what you would do once you saw the outside. Roxana wanted to see her siblings again hoping they wouldn’t worry too much, especially after her parents died in a car crash. She talked about wanting to become a marine biologist regaling you with anything and everything she remembers reading growing up. You talked about your dream of becoming a travel writer backpacking through Europe and South America.

You gave each other hope, hope that was blissfully crushed.

  It was the morning of September 28, 2008 (Ngozika’s 38th birthday), when you were both, dragged out and brought before a man in front of the usual row of scientists who went by the name of Braddock. He looked over the two of you with a menacing eye smirking as he molested you and Roxana. He turned to the former head scientist, Dr. Beecham, who nodded to the newcomer and grinned sardonically.

With that, Braddock announced it was time for the operation.

The guards dragged you past a set of double doors to a new hallway. The hairs on your arms raised as you felt Roxana’s fearful expression trying her hardest not to cry. You reached out your hand to grab hers, but a guard slapped it away.

One last set of bolted steel doors led you to a ghostly white room with two beds inside a pod connected to an arc belonging to a zany sci-fi novel and in front of the portal was a podium with a glowing electric blue cube.

The scientists and Braddock hid on the other side of the one-sided mirror, like the cowards they were.

Braddock motioned for the guards to strap you to the beds as he made some deluded declaration of HYDRA’s greatness.

Roxana smiled weakly reminding you to think of your family and your dreams while you did the same. You both hoped to see the outside, together.

Braddock bellowed to open the portal thinking that the results would lead HYDRA to greater heights.

He wasn’t exactly wrong.

The cube started to levitate as the lights dimmed. A beam of light shot into the gateway creating a portal. Braddock ordered the guards and workers to get back, but it was too late.

You and Roxana could only watch in horror as black mist filled the room and giant midnight purple tentacles, tendrils, paws with extended claws and talons erupted from the portal. They tore into the guards and workers who were still in the room. All of their body parts (impaled or otherwise) were flung into what looked to be a mouth in the center of the portal. You tried your best to block it out, but you could still hear the crunches, squelches, and cracks of bodies along with their muffled screams.

As the last of the not test subjects were devoured, a golden orb traveled up the beam, through the cube, and split into two. The beds disintegrated as both of you were forced upright and facing each other with the orbs between you. Tendrils of golden light ebbed out feeling your souls deciding which one it will choose. Two of the tendrils paused in front of your eyes before glowing an ocean blue while Roxana’s glowed crimson red.

You shrieked as tendrils from both orbs shot into you. Their hooks pierced your skin through your fingers, eyes, mouth, toes, ears, and nose as the orbs shrunk to nothingness.

Roxana cried out to you in terror as rays of deep purple surged from your eyes and mouth and enveloped your form. The appendages deluged from the portal into the light. Your eyes became the abyss as several of the tentacles grabbed Roxana.

You didn’t register your dear friend’s screams until it was too late. All you could think of was hunger.

Once the mist dispersed and the remaining guards rushed in, all they found was you in the middle of the room tears streaming down your cheeks cradling Roxana's detached face. Everything else was gone.

You shouted at the guards to stay away from them only listening when your shouts turned into a legion of roars and tentacles shot out from your midsection capturing the guards.

Braddock commanded the restraining cuffs to be administered via magnetic force fields.

You didn’t fight back at that point. All that was on your mind was the anguish of devouring your only friend and the loneliness that will surely follow.

  They moved you to a new base (you think) deep underground where they experimented with your new powers.

They found that you can manipulate various types of matter and energy. Braddock was pleased to find that Operation Hellcat wasn’t a complete waste.

Unfortunately, they could only get you to do damage control.

Though later, they found that you could turn various materials like limestone or plastic into something ‘useful’ such as gold, silver, moonstone, tungsten, uranium, titanium, and even a weird metal called vibranium after getting a starter sample from a man named Klaue.

They would ‘feed’ you once a month; usually, a target that needed to disappear. Fury was catching onto the disappearing bodies.

Not long after, you learned that you could absorb the memories and knowledge of those you devoured, but you kept that ability to yourself.

Your captors kept you well enough that the tentacles never came out. Made sense since they didn’t want a repeat of the time when you devoured ten guards when there was a lapse in the restraining cuffs. You chuckled when you overheard one of the guards saying that being sent to your cell was a punishment.

  Two years into your ‘arrangement’, Braddock thought you deserved a ‘reward’ so they modified the cuffs to let you move around your cell. Though you guessed it was so that you would be less likely to lash out and devour more scientists.

You decided to redesign your prison into an amalgamation of your father’s home and what you glean from Roxana’s memories.

It was five months later when you met him.

You were starving as usual. They made you trans-mutate truckloads of sand into gold, titanium, diamonds, and vibranium. The guards mentioned someone called the Asset would be dropping off your meal soon.

You waited for 30 minutes until the door opened revealing a tall, somewhat shadowy figure of a man. He had chin-length Ponzu-colored hair with Seal Brown and Chestnut highlights; it was grungy yet silky. He was broad yet lean in shape, the perfect specimen to be their weapon.

But the most striking aspect about him was his eyes; blue, like the winter sea after a storm. Beautiful, yet frightened and forlorn.

What little cask of your heart broke for he too was also a prisoner.

You snapped out of your musings to hear him explain that your meal was of some diplomats that got in HYDRA’s way.

The exchange was terse, but you found yourself doing something for the first time in a while; you smiled and waved as he was leaving, if only meekly. He stopped and stared for about 20 seconds before the loudspeaker shouted in Russian for the Soldat to leave.

You chuckled as your smile grew. For the first time in over two years you were starving, and you hoped to see him again.

Your mystery deliverer visited you a few more times. After the fifth time, you were able to touch his hand and he reciprocated. It was exhilarating. No one has touched or wanted to go near you in years.

He stayed longer with each visit. It took some time for him to talk; he didn’t say much, but he had a deep, smooth voice. You didn’t really care. You just needed someone who wasn’t out to fuck with your life to talk to you.

The two of you would fall into a routine of you rattling on whatever occupied your mind’s eye and him listening sometimes smiling or touching your hand ever so often. The best visit was when he let you hug him loving the forgotten warmth it brought.

  Once again, they had to eviscerate any happiness in your life.

Six months after the hug, your mystery acquaintance dropped off your meal but quickly turned to the door without so much as a glance.

You rushed over to greet him but stopped at the sight of his bitterly cold glower. Another man, Rumlow, butted in stating that the Asset could no longer be distracted finishing off with a cruel laugh at the tears that threatened to pour from your eyes.

They both promptly left before the tentacles could attack them as you fell to your knees consumed by despair.

Why did this have to happen to you?!

Your heart raged as your tears dried. You couldn’t keep living like this.

You wouldn’t.

  You got your chance three years later.

The base was in an uproar; Project Insight had failed. HYDRA was exposed and going down in flames. The control room was bedlam with everyone scurrying like mice failing to notice the lapse on the monitors.

All it took was a clink to rouse you from your partial slumber. Your eyes shot open with a vengeful sneer marring your face. You sensed no one outside the customary three layers of your containment unit.

It seemed that your captors feared the cops more than you.

Their mistake.

You blasted the doors to your prison. Black mist filled the base. All 100 inhabitants stopped their scurrying in abject terror.

It was loose.

  The guards closest to your cell were the first to fall. One of them cried out for help on his phone, but one of your tentacles ripped off his arm, grabbed his torso, and pulled his terrifying form into your voracious maws.

A science assistant could only watch in horror as tentacles seemed to grow out of their colleague’s navel increasing in size as they split the body with a vile crunch.

One of the higher-ups threw his secretary into the mist only for you to respond with a cacophony of shrills and impaling him with various-sized tendrils.

Their screams could've probably been heard for miles.

  Only after you had your fill of every loathsome creature at the base and felt the welcoming warmth of sunlight did you regain consciousness with a massive belch.

You screamed as you fell to your knees tears streaming down your face.

Yes, you were finally free, but at what cost?

You had devoured Roxana, your only friend in this hellscape. You didn’t know if anyone from your family was still alive; you didn’t put it past HYDRA to hunt them down.

You never knew what became of the Soldat, your Soldat.

You had one thing though, the need for revenge.

Based on the memories you absorbed, HYDRA leadership was no more due to the utter failure of Project Insight and Natalia Romanova info-dumping the entire HYDRA archives.

There were still others associated with the now ‘shelved’ Project Hellcat.

You needed to find them and end them. If nothing else, to make sure no one else has to suffer like you.

Now you needed to make a plan. You found the closet functioning computer on the base and did some digging.

You finally learned of your Soldat. His name was James Buchanan Barnes, a WWII vet born in 1917.

  “James!” you beamed as the front door opened to reveal your Soldat. Flying into his arms he pulled you in for a passionate kiss.

“Is this all for me?” Bucky peered over your shoulder at the feast on the table.

“Of course, silly!”

“You didn’t have to, y’know.” He scratched the back of his head, not sure what to make of your efforts.

“Nonsense!” you playfully swatted his muscled pecs, “I wanted to return the favor, and because I love so darn much!”

“Well, your feast is in the warehouse. I got a special treat just for you. I hope you like it.” Bucky pecked your lips pulling out your chair before his own.

“Oh thank you, Bucky!”you pecked his cheek before gesturing towards the food, “Now dig in before it gets cold.” you insisted grabbing a large plate of some of his favorites despite his protests.

It only took one bite of lasagna for him to devour the food with a near animalistic vigor. You beamed with pride seeing something you made bringing some happiness again.

“How was your trip?” you inquired chiding Bucky to finish his food first.

Bucky stopped eating, placed his utensils down, and kept his head down. “I...I saw Steve again.”

Your smile faltered.

You knew Steve Rogers was a sore subject to James. He nearly killed him multiple times during HYDRA’s fall. Bucky didn’t think he was worthy to talk to Steve again.

You didn’t believe that for a second, though you didn’t have room to talk.

“It still surprises me how much that punk’s changed and somehow still remains the same.” Bucky chuckled as you gently squeezed his flesh hand.

  After Project Insight’s failure to launch, James went underground learning as much as he could about Steve Rogers/Captain America. He went to the Captain America wing of the Smithsonian. He could’ve sworn he saw a few toddlers recognizing him tugging on their older relatives' pant legs in hopes they’ll see a living legend.

Bucky tried to find his old neighborhood in Brooklyn only to find that it was either destroyed or renovated beyond recognition. It wasn’t until he went to a hole-in-the-wall bookstore that he found some respite in the form of an art book from one of Steve’s classes. That led him down a rabbit hole of picture books from the 20s to early 50s. There were pictures of activities he and Steve would do in their spare time as kids, Coney Island, the cinema across from old man Roscoe's Deli.

The tears nearly fell from his eyes in a deluge.

Memories of eating a sundae with his sisters and Steve at the local creamery, getting groceries for his ma while making sure she wasn’t carrying too much, pushing his sisters on the swings in the park, winning his first camera in a bet against the Desmond Boys, Steve convincing him not to sell said camera so he could score a date with Meredith, Becca first word being his name, finally getting Mason and his boys to leave Steve alone, and the blunder known as Rockaway Beach flooded Bucky’s mind.

James had to leave the bookstore before he was discovered.

He meandered down the street wondering what was left of his life. What happened to his sisters? Were they still alive? Did they have children or grandchildren? What became of his mother? How did she take the news of his death?

Bucky couldn’t bring himself to visit the cemetery.

  James felt ashamed of himself. He wondered if his 40s self would’ve had a sick laugh at his present self’s expense.

  One day, Bucky walked around his apartment block and saw a group of young children playing in a daycare playground.

They reminded him of you, his angel. Your eyes would glow with joy at the memories of helping your cousin with children at her office. He didn’t say much at the time, but he smiled and held your hand.

You were the final embers of light in his life.

  Life was relatively quiet albeit filled with nightmares until he started to feel eyes on him. Several HYDRA fragments found him, so with a heavy heart, Bucky was once again on the run.

  James was in London when it happened.

He decided to take the fight to HYDRA and tracked down a task force to a warehouse a few miles outside the metropolitan area. Fifteen ops surrounding him led by one of the head guards of Operation Hellcat. Nothing he couldn’t handle.

Dark gray mist filled the warehouse followed by a storm of black, violet, red, and gold mists concealing the source of the tempest of beastly roars and otherworldly wails. The unearthly sounds gave way to cracks, squelches, crunches, gargles, and screams of the men filled his ears all the while focusing on a familiar warmth around his waist.

The storm subsided to reveal his angel hugging and kissing his face with tears streaming down her face.

You finally found him.

Gently tilting up your chin, he sighed into a kiss that was every bit as wonderful as he imagined and more.

You were together at last.

  “He’s still looking for me.” Bucky croaked unable to conceal his sorrow any longer.

“I know, James. I know.” you consoled as you pulled him into your arms kissing away his tears.

The sad thing is that part of Bucky wanted Steve to find him. But another part of him wanted to stay hidden. He didn’t know how Steve and the rest of his team would treat you once they discover what HYDRA did to you. Would they accept both of you with open arms? Or would they turn you into the authorities? Would they take you away from him?

He couldn’t bear you getting hurt like that again.

“Umm,” you started annoyed at your stomach’s insistent growling and the voices were getting louder demanding that you feed them, “Could we finish this later? I’m starving.”

“Of course, angel. Don’t worry about the dishes.” Bucky kissed your forehead, “Now go enjoy your feast.”

  You strolled out of the brownstone towards the warehouse. The whole place was a reconstruction of the base that held you prisoner.

<<LET US FEED>>

‘Not yet.’

Opening one of the side doors, you entered and flipped on the lights. Spread out in a multilayered heart pattern were: 12 freshly dead cows, 10 freshly dead bucks, six freshly dead moose, five dead horses, a preserved hippo’s body, and 50 humans bound, blindfolded, and confused.

Smiling to yourself you made a mental note to thank Bucky for such a feast.

After removing their bindings with a wave of your hand, the living occupants of your meal stumbled and scurried around like fragile mice. You recognized most of them as upper HYDRA scum who managed to evade imprisonment, political figures with serious HYDRA ties, and several scientists involved with Project Hellcat including Drs. Walters, Beecham, Tomlin, Lamberti, Kumar, Mertens, and Wagner.

Lastly, standing in the middle of the arrangement was none other than Braddock.

They all seemed to stop moving when their eyes landed on you. Good. You wanted them to know that you’d be the last thing these scum see.

Black mist seeped in from the ground as you walked towards them. Several of the bastards, knowing this song and dance, tried to distance themselves from the group eyeing the walls for any possible exit.

One of them, a politician, stepped forward, “You look like a reasonable woman. I’ll give you anything! Money, power, you name it!”

You pressed your forefinger to your chin and pursed your lips, “Hmm, I want you,” you began disintegrating your clothes. Somehow the politician got aroused which made you feel even less for what’s next, “to feed me!” you grinned revealing your elongated fangs.

The royal purple and gold waves of your stomach tattoo started to rotate. Barbed black tentacles, tendrils, and claws swirled out covering your body and you became one with the mist.

The horny politician ran as he howled to the heavens in despair his fingers bleeding as he scraped the concrete floor. He gave in to his fate when he saw no one move to help him.

Why hasten their own demise?

His shrieks of terror were soon drowned out by crunches, cracks, and squelches as well as your moans of finally eating something filling.

You returned to the rest of the desperate souls licking your fingers, rubbing your ‘food baby’. Everyone saw the man’s face screaming in your belly before a tendril sliced it in half.

“Whew, that hit the spot!” you exclaimed after a loud belch, “But not nearly enough! So who’s next?”

Everyone else was in complete chaos. Some pushed each other forward, four almost fainted, and the rest screamed and begged to be released. You could’ve sworn one of them pissed themselves.

You sighed and tried again, “Okay, I’m gonna level with y’all. Anyone who makes it out these doors,” you gestured to the open exits, “by the time I count to ten gets to live. Alright?”

Everyone shut up and nodded.

“Okay, then.” your body already halfway blended into the mist.

“One…”

  It didn’t take long to eat the rest. It was easy once you pulverized their legs.

You noticed Braddock wasn’t moving, so you created a light above his person. He was coughing blood but refused to move. He thought he was going to face death with dignity.

Pompous Idiot.

“Was it worth it?” you asked sauntering up to him in your human form.

His response was to spit in your face,” HYDRA would’ve ruled this world for all time if it weren’t for your pathetic feelings! Such power is wasted on you!!”

Braddock’s mind snapped and screamed as you transformed into your other form.

“Better to be an emotional monster than a fascist piece of shit!” you retorted as you gleefully devoured him delighted to be rid of him.

  “Are you satisfied?’

<<VERY>>

“Good.” you winced gently pressing your knuckles into your overstuffed belly. You belched a few more times loving how full you were. Whether it was the voices or the pessimism that came with being held hostage and starved for 20+ years or the fact that you could finally eat your heart's content, feeling full always made you feel like everything was going well, if only for a mere moment.

You chuckled to yourself. Never did you think that you wouldn’t care if anyone heard or saw you do such things.

Guess it might be because you didn’t really have anything left to lose.

  It took several months after securing your freedom to get an independent hold on your powers keeping the cuffs around just in case. You started hearing voices in your head as if they were a legion. They took pity on you and offered to lend you their powers as long as you kept them fed.

In time, you learned more about what you gained. You could: teleport through your mists, manipulate all kinds of materials, manipulate various forms of energy and even use it to satisfy your hunger (though the voices didn’t like it), and comprehend a lot more at a rapid rate.

You could even manipulate reality to an extent.

Though all of that couldn’t make up for what you lost.

You couldn’t eat ‘normal’ food as everything turned to ash after a few bites. You were always hungry having to consume the biomass of at least two large bucks and a cow every day to keep the voices at bay.

You couldn’t be in public for long lest you start seeing everyone as food. You dreaded the signs: your eyes would glow gold as your stomach would growl and drool would escape your mouth while the voices demand that you feed.

One day when you felt you had a good grasp on your powers, you tried walking in a park. You smiled and waved to children running around without a care in the world content to share in their joy.

You only lasted five minutes before your stomach growled and voices came back. You cried yourself to sleep that night feeling like an abomination wondering if everyone would be better off with you gone.

It always felt like there was a barrier between you and everyone else gleefully reminding you of what you’ve lost.

  You trudged back to the brownstone once your ‘feast’ was digested.

You were happy to finally be rid of Braddock and his ilk as they could no longer destroy any more lives, but it just felt hollow. You were still bound to a being outside of time and space, and you couldn’t see your family without wanting to devour them.

  You found Bucky in bed flipping through a vintage album of his old neighborhood.

“Thank you so much for the feast, love!” you gushed as you changed into a Delicate Sunshade Lace Kimono and thong.

“Had to return the favor after you said you were gonna make a feast of my favorites, sweetheart.”

“How did you find them?”

Most of the people digesting in your stomach were on the run once word got about your feedings. Some tried moving off the grid. One even got plastic surgery.

Braddock was the oddest. Bucky found them in a cabin out in the middle of nowhere hoping to die before you could find him.

“Doesn’t matter. They’re better off in your tummy making sure my angel is stuffed and satisfied.” he cooed in your ear kissing and rubbing your tummy for emphasis.

You giggled and playfully swatted him away loving how outgoing and playful he became once he was free of HYDRA’s control.

It was hard for you at first since he was a little stunned to see you after the initial kiss. You discovered that he was funny, caring, and thoughtful. It did take some time to have any physical relations though you were over the moon when your body didn’t see him as food.

If anything, he seemed to silence the voices for a bit.

Nine months passed before you had time with Bucky. It was amazing, even more so when you didn’t get hungry for five days.

“Have you talked to Erinma?” Bucky paused his playful demeanor.

Your eyebrows furrowed as your heart rate sped up.

  You finally had the courage to seek out your family three months ago hoping to reconnect with them.

Unfortunately, both your father and Ngozika were dead.

Your father died in 1997 when his body gave out after suffering two strokes compounded by diabetes. The doctors figured the stress of losing may have played a part.

They tried everything they could to find you. The police gave up only after two weeks and the PI stopped after 14 months. Though you wouldn’t put it past HYDRA to quash the investigation.

Ngozika was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006. It would’ve been caught soon had the country cared to get universal healthcare. Her remission didn’t go as well as everyone hoped with her lasting about 3.5 years.

She died without ever knowing if you were alive or not.

You spent two nights mourning the loss of your father and surrogate big sister at their headstones. You would’ve stayed longer, but you had to feed.

Erinma did achieve her goal of becoming a pulmonary surgeon spurred on by the deaths of your father and Ngozika. Granted it did also land her $80K in student loan debt. She was forced to sell her childhood house and father’s motorcycle to come close to breaking even.

She even had twins, a girl and a boy named Kamharida (I shall not fall) and Ikemefuna (I shall not lose my strength).

You laughed bitterly. While you were truly happy for your sister, everyone thought you would be the one to have children, including yourself. Now it was a cruel fantasy.

You’ve entertained the idea of seeing your sister again as you desperately wanted to see her and be part of your niece and nephew’s lives. But you were terrified of your sister calling you a monster, though you couldn’t blame her for all the things you’ve done.

  “I dialed her number...but I couldn’t say anything.” you sobbed.

What could you say? You were kidnapped by a decades-old white supremacist organization that tortured and experimented on you for decades. You were bound to a being that requires an ungodly amount of flesh to keep you from becoming a berserker of gluttony.

Sure, you were able to divert the lion's share of HYDRA’s assets to shell companies to supply yourself with the necessary biomass, but--

“Stop being cruel to yourself. You are incredibly kind, selfless, caring, and most definitely NOT a monster.”

“Never cry for you are my beautiful angel, my magnificent goddess sent from above.” He cooed as he kissed your tears, cheeks, forehead, and jaw with each affirmation. His thumb ran across your lower lip as his face broke out into a breathtakingly handsome smile.

It was so pure you could cry.

You hugged Bucky inhaling his smoked cedar, citrus, and aged leather scent. Once his scent calms you down, you cupped his cheeks and pulled him for a kiss.

James groaned as you part your mouth for him delighting in the sonata of flavors he’s feasted on, though a little saddened that’s the only way you can taste them.

You play with his silky locks as he leaves a trail of open-mouthed kisses along your neck and jawline sporadically leaving love marks on your skin.

His calloused yet gentle hands undid the bow holding the kimono in place kissing your shoulders and upper arms. You gasped when he lightly grazed your skin with his canines encouraged by your whimpers and moans.

“My beautiful angel,” he rumbled sending shivers down your spine as he bit the juncture between your neck and shoulders.

Bucky was about to unhook your bra when you grabbed his wrist, pushed him down onto the bed, and tied his wrists to the headboard with black tendrils.

“Relax, love,” you instructed as you kissed your way down his jawline, neck, shoulders, chest, and upper arms. You gazed upon Bucky’s beautiful form wondering how lucky you were. Most men who looked like him were jerks to you in the past especially when they learned of your parents' accents. You still remembered the way some people looked at your mother at stores.

You narrowed your eyes as you lowered one hand towards his boxers and disintegrated them. Your fingers morphed into tentacles and tendrils of varying sizes wrapping around his jaw-dropping length giving it little pulls and tugs along the shaft. One tendril wrapped around his tip and squeezed scooping up the precum into your drooling mouth.

“Hmm!” You moaned at the taste: salty, tangy, and a little sweet.

Numerous smaller tentacles and tendrils slithered out of your mouth. Their pulls from their varied cups send jolt after jolt of pleasure. You felt his cock harden, but decided to draw it out by retracting right as he was about to go over the edge wanting to tease him from last time.

You finally let him cum after 20 minutes of teasing and five minutes of begging.

Bucky came with a roar as his eyes glowed red.

“Wanna do that again?’

You took his chuckle as a yes.

  You got two more out of Bucky before he decided to switch growing impatient with your teasing.

“I’m afraid I’ll have to punish you for that, angel,” he warned giggling as he flipped you over; his eyes glowing gold and his fangs elongating.

The sight of those never failed to make you wet.

“Spread your legs, sweetheart, “he growled as you pouted. He usually loved your bratty behavior in bed, but not now.

Bucky absorbed some of the tendrils from your skin and shot them back out gently spreading your legs.

You cast him an accusatory glance.

“Is that so? Then why are you wet for me?” he tsked licking his lips at the sight of you huffing in defeat.

Bucky grinned as he kissed and nipped your thick, plush inner thighs relishing in your moans. With his eyes locked with yours, he licked your slit while a small tentacle creeps from his mouth, its suction cups teasing your clit. Three more dive into your folds moving back and forth in a scissoring motion.

You moaned raking your nails along his scalp and the planes of muscle on his back.

James chuckled loving how you taste; so sweet with notes of honey and citrus. He could get drunk on this.

He alternated between eating you out and kissing/nipping your inner thighs while messaging the globes of your ass and the softness of your waist. He added to your sweet torture by sticking two of his fingers past your folds along with the tendrils still inside. He chuckled when you threw back your head in a moan mixed with a sob.

You grew frustrated with Bucky wouldn’t let you come even after 15 minutes of blinding pleasure.

“James, please!” you begged as he circled your clit again.

Bucky raised his head and murmured, “Let me adore you like the goddess you are, huh?”

You almost came at the spot when Bucky ordered you to look at him. His hair tie was long discarded with several clumps sticking to his face. His hooded eyes were black with lust, and his tongue was circling your clit with three of his fingers in your folds.

Bucky finally let you come after 45 minutes of teasing with a whisper.

You cried out as the dam of pleasure was finally released while he made sure to lap up every last drop of nectar.

Bucky smirked as he lifted you up and grabbed some pillows, “Turn for me, angel?”

You whined in protest not even recovering from the last orgasm.

He kissed both your cheeks, “Relax for me, okay? I promise this is gonna feel good. I'll take it from here.”

You moaned as his fingers dug into your thick thighs secretly loving how sensitive you were after the orgasm.

Bucky grunted as he situated himself between your thighs groaning at the sight of your blissed-out expression.

“Fuck, I’m glad you came into my life.”

“Are you ready, angel?” you nodded as he slowly entered you.

You hissed as your walls stretched for him never getting used to the size.

“Fuck, you’re taking me so well!” Bucky praised you as he rewarded you by playing with your clit.

You cried out and he groaned. You from the sensations of Bucky playing with your clit plus stretching out for him, and Bucky from how tightly you were squeezing him.

Bucky looked down and saw: your hooded eyes staring back at him with love and lust, your full, plump lips forming a pleasure-filled ‘O’, and your coils framing your face like a halo.

“Bucky, please!” you begged as what little pain you first felt faded into pleasure.

He caressed your face with one hand as he started moving with slow, shallow strokes, only picking up his tempo once you gave the go-ahead.

Bucky left open-mouthed kisses on your inner thighs, stomach, breasts, hands, anywhere he could reach murmuring sweet praises with each kiss. You thought your heart would burst from feeling so loved.

You practically squealed in pleasure when Bucky reached your sweet spot. He stayed at that pace for another 30 minutes holding out so that the moment would last.

You were a sobbing mess blind to the world outside the two of you.

You both came at the same time, you with a moan and Bucky with a growl.

  As you both lay in bed, glowing with a sheen of sweat, Bucky cradled your head in his hands. “You will always be an angel to me.”

You nodded and bit your lower lip, “Can I be on top for round two?”

Bucky laughed as you flipped him over.

 After Bucky carried you over to the tub to wash off, he cupped your cheeks, “Never call yourself a monster,”

You smiled as he gently wiped your tears away from your eyes with his thumbs.

You were about to thank him when your phone rang. Lumbering to the dresser you cautiously answered leaping with joy when you heard your sister’s voice on the other end.

Bucky beamed lazily at the scene before him glad that you were finally able to connect with your sister. He hoped better things will come.

He was about to rest his head against his pillow when he saw his own pulse with a text.

Bucky’s heart filled with dread.

It was Steve saying he was coming to bring him home.

[13-reasons-ideas]

requests are still open yay! MontyxOc, Oc dated Monty a year ago.. things didn’t quite work out but her & Monty maintained a close friendship some say a little too close for ex’s. She stared dating (any one of the guys) but Monty continued to flirt with her she wasn’t stopping him either, She feels bad & tells Monty to stop flirting & trying to get with her... He doesn’t she starts to get fed up and on a class trip they argue over it.. the argument however ends much differently (smut)

A/N: This story contains SMUT. DNI if under 18. 18+ only. This is a long one you guys. Definitely bring a snack and a cup of tea to read it. I’m sorry if the spacing is weird. I can’t to hear what you have to say about it! Feedback is appreciated and much love as always. - Em

Friends Don’t 

I met Monty in the park. Things had been different between us recently. “Hey.”

“Hey.” He turned in my direction. I sat on a picnic table and watched him for a few minutes. He seemed like he wanted to say something but didn’t know how.

“What’s going on in that hot head of yours?”

“I don’t know. I don’t… I don’t want to mess everything up.”

“Well how will you know if you do, if you don’t take the chance?” I had a feeling I knew what was coming.

“I don’t know if I’m ready for this Reagan.” Even though I had a feeling, it still felt like a punch in the gut to hear him say it.

“For what?”

“Things to get serious.”

“Who said anything about serious? We are sixteen.”

“I don’t know. Do you want to pretend that I’m ready to date someone? That doesn’t seem very fair to you.”

I shrugged. He has a point. He’s not exactly in a great place right now. “I guess not.” Even though I didn’t want to, I felt tears starting to well up and the familiar prickle in my nose. I blinked a few times because I knew he was right. It just sucked to hear.

“I don’t want to not have you around though.”

“I know. I don’t want to not have you around either. You know me better than anyone. Best friends?”

“Best friends.”

“And if you ever need anything, I’m there. No matter what.”

“Day or night.”

“Always.”

ONE YEAR LATER

Monty and I stayed close. We kept our promise to be best friends. After all, we knew each other better than anyone. We hung out after school and got coffee. He came over and we watched movies. It was almost like we didn’t break up. Almost. For a while after our breakup things were awkward. We hadn’t really figured out where our boundaries were. After some time, we got comfortable again. Some people would say we were a little too close. It didn’t really matter that much to us if we still flirted or finished each other’s sentences.

It didn’t matter, at least until I started spending time with a certain other jock. Zach Dempsey had caught my eye before senior year but there was something about him that was different that September. He was still kind of cruel, but he was trying. He meant well. He just didn’t always know how to go about things in the best way. I knew what being forced to spend extended time with Bryce walker could do to a person. Zach and I had a few classes together over the years. Our friendship started like a lot of friendships did in school. You got stuck sitting next to someone and so you had to decide if you wanted to ignore them for the rest of the semester, or if you wanted to make your semester not suck and play nice.

We decided on the latter that first day of world history. He was late to class and the only empty seat was next to mine. I had spent time around him when Montgomery and I were dating so we were able to at least talk to each other. Our interactions consisted mostly of homework and school stuff for about a month or so. Then, slowly, we started talking about our interests and other things on our way to lunch. On one such walk to lunch, he told me about his dream of becoming a marine biologist.

“Seriously?” I asked him.

“Yeah. It’s cool. Why?”

“I don’t know. I just guess I pegged you as a guy who would want to do the athlete thing and get a business degree in case you didn’t get drafted.”

“Nah. That… that isn’t really in the cards for me.” I nodded.

“I want to go into social work.”

“No way, really?”

“Yeah.” I didn’t elaborate on why I wanted to. That was not my story to share.

“Zachy!” Scott called across the room when we got to the cafeteria.

“I- I should probably get going.” He stammered.

“Yeah. My friends are waiting.” I waved over at Jess and Alex. Zach started to walk away but turned around again.

“Did you want to get a coffee or see a movie sometime?”

“Like, together?”

“I mean, yeah.” He shrugged, trying to play it cool.

“I think I’d like that. Oh, and can you tell Montgomery and Bryce Cheerios is not lunch?” I laughed.

“But they are.”

“I guess we can discuss it over coffee.” I smiled.

“Wednesday after school?”

“Sure.”

I sat at a table with my friends. “So. I’m going on a date.” Jess and Alex looked at me with wide eyes.

“Shit. No way.” Jess smiled.

“Yeah. Zach Dempsey.” I explained, answering their unspoken question.

“Zach is nice.” Alex added.

“And he’s like… really good looking.”

“I know, right?”

“Tall.”

“Very tall.”

“Doesn’t have an anger problem.” Jess muttered under her breath. My smile faltered. I looked up and Monty’s eyes were on me. My phone vibrated. Cheerios is lunch pretty girl. I rolled my eyes. Zach said he has a date. Wouldn’t happen to be a certain girl in his world history class, would it?

I’ll give you details after. And why do you care?

On Wednesday I got a ride with Justin and Clay to school. My car was in the shop for maintenance and my house was on the way from theirs. After school, Zach drove me to Monet’s. I got to ride shotgun in the Audi. The wind feels different. Maybe it’s because this car costs more than my education will. He was a safe driver, I noticed. Soon, we had parked outside the cozy little café. We didn’t hold hands on the way inside.

Inside, I ordered a hot chocolate, and he got a cup of tea. “You like pomegranate?” I asked when we sat down.

“Yeah. It’s tart.”

“It’s pretty good. One of my favourite tea flavours.” We made small talk for a while. I wasn’t sure when the last time he had been on a date was. I hadn’t been on a real date since Monty and I broke up last year.

“Your opinion on Cheerios is wrong.”

“Wrong?”

“Yeah. It’s lunch food. Or breakfast food. Hell, even dinner food.” I shook my head.

“I will never understand boys.” He laughed and picked up his spoon. “What are you doing?”

“Just watch.” He breathed on the spoon and tried to balance it on his nose. I giggled and it stuck for maybe three seconds before falling to the table. I burst out laughing.

“Can I try?” I picked up my own spoon.

“Go for it.”

“Okay, okay how do I do this?”

Zach reached over and took the spoon, holding it in front of my mouth. “Breath on it.” I did. “Now before it dries, take it, and place it on the end of your nose.” I did as he said. It fell instantly.

“Try again?” He waved. I tried again and it fell, yet again. “One more. I think I know the spot now.”

“Go on.” This time, I was able to get it to balance for four seconds. “Does this make me champion?”

“Sure. Until we have rematch.”

“A rematch you say?”

“Yes.”

“I look forward to it. Mostly so I can win again.” I smirked slightly. We spent the next couple of hours just talking to each other about stuff. Mrs. Dempsey called him home around five.

“Yeah Mom. I’m just out with the guys going over some plays. I’ll be home soon.”

“I take it I’m getting my refill to go?”

“Yeah. It seems that way. I’ll drive you home.”

We went on like that for the next few weeks. We would meet for coffee or meet up to see a movie. Go for walks in the park or by the docks. It was nice. Different than what Montgomery and I had, but it was a welcome change. We went public at school before we decided to tell our parents. My parents weren’t exactly ecstatic about me dating in my senior year and I knew how his mom felt about girls in his life. I was still talking to Monty. All the while, we had kept up the flirty banter we had started a few weeks after our breakup. Zach didn’t seem to mind much. “Good morning Beautiful.” He said as he walked over to my locker that morning.

“Hey 85.” I smiled brightly at him.

“You look very cute.”

“Why thank you kind gentleman.” I grabbed my bag off the floor and shoved my geometry book in it. Zach threw his arm around my shoulders as he walked me to class. I rested my head against him and we chatted about our night.

“So, you guys are public now.” Monty said, walking up to us with Charlie in tow.

“That’s really cute.” Charlie said.

“Yes.” I smiled. I felt Monty’s eyes traveling my body and I couldn’t help the blush that crept up my neck.

“Yeah.” Zach said.

“That’s great.” Monty replied. When we walked away, he called out, “I’ll see you around Reagan.”

I turned and called back to him, “yes you will.”

In the following few days, Monty kept up with the flirting. I didn’t stop it. I found it kind of amusing. “Going to harp on my lunch choices again Rea?”

“No. You’re an adult. I trust you to make proper choices.”

“Now, Reagan. You should know I’ve never been good with proper.” I rolled my eyes. Oh, I know.

“Seems to have done you pretty well so far. How’s… uh… collarbone tattoo?”

“Katie?”

“Sure.” He merely shrugged.

“How’s Zachy?”

“Zach is good.” Zach said, sitting down at the table. I swatted Monty’s hand away when he reached for a cookie.

“And you should know by now to not touch my food Montgomery.”

“Oh. She full named you. What’s it like to be called out by your ex like that, man?” Bryce asked.

“You don’t get a cookie either Bryce.”

“Reagan.” He held his hand up to his chest. “You wound me.”

“That’s sad for you.” I shrugged. Zach turned to me and shot me a megawatt smile.

“Do I get a cookie?” I thought for a moment.

“You can get half a cookie.”

“It’s half more than I had before.”

“I’m his best friend. Can I have the other half?” Justin asked when he sat down.

“No. My cookies.”

“I’ll trade you my Milky Way for that half.”

“No.” I laughed. “You’re sure you’re okay to come to my place later?” I asked Zach.

“Yeah. It’s just your parents. Parents like me.”

“Did he just say ‘just your parents’?” Monty looked at me with wide eyes. I shrugged. “Reagan.”

“Monty.”

“Your dad threatened to shoot me.”

“My parents never really liked you though.”

“Gee, I wonder what gave you that impression?”

“What would have?” Charlie asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe when her dad threatened to shoot me.”

“Parents don’t like you. They’ll love me.” Zach beamed.

“They don’t like you because you ruined their daughter.” Bryce laughed. Again, I shrugged. Can’t really argue with him there. Monty merely smirked, proudly. Ugh men.

“Anyway. You’re sure?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. And can you remind me again why we sit here?”

“You get to see me.” Monty chuckled.

“No. No I don’t think that’s why.”

“Hurtful.”

**

In the few months after Zach and I started dating, his mom had come around to the idea of me being in his life. I spent time at his house, mostly working on homework or helping May with hers. It was tense at first but she came around eventually. Once she realized I only wanted what was best for her son. My parents were getting more used to the idea of me dating again. They saw how we interacted and seemed to approve more than they did with Monty. I had a sneaking suspicion that it had something to do with the fact that I wasn’t emptying the first aid kit my mom kept stocked every month or so.

Monty and I were still close. He had recently started seeing a girl named Kyla. I wasn’t sure how serious it was but figured it could be good for him. It didn’t stop him from flirting with me though.

“Good morning gorgeous.”

“Good morning Montgomery. Good night?” I laughed.

“Of course.”

“How was your date with Kyla?” I asked.

“It was good. She cooked for me.”

“That’s nice. Was it good?” Charlie asked, adjusting his bag on his shoulder.

“I mean, sure. Some kind of spinach something or other?”

“You hate spinach.” I said.

“Yes. And you hate tha-.” Monty started. I saw Zach walking towards us.

“Shhhh.” I cut him off. “Hey babe.”

“Hey beautiful.” Zach pulled me into a hug and placed a kiss on my head. “How was dinner at Alex’s last night?”

“It was good. His mom let me bring contraband in the house.”

“Contraband?” Bryce asked.

“He’s not allowed to have junk food.” Charlie explained.

“Something about healthy body healthy mind or something.”

“She’s not wrong Rea.” Zach said.

“I know but still. Let the kid have a candy bar once in a while. It won’t hurt him.”

“He prefers sour patch kids.”

“I know.” The bell rang and interrupted us. I sighed heavily and took Zach’s hand. He walked me to math and kissed me on the cheek as he left. I smiled brightly at his retreating form.

Monty texted me in math. As I was saying, you hate that you and Zach haven’t fucked yet. Have you even gotten to second base yet?

None of your god damn business.

I’ll take that as a no. Don’t worry. It’ll happen eventually. I could get Charlie to get Alex to talk to him. Or you could let me talk to him.

No!

What? You don’t want me to tell him all your dirty little secrets?

I swear to God, De la Cruz. I will wring your neck in your sleep.

You’d be doing my dad a favour. You’d at least get past the front door.

I’d wring his first. Now stop texting me and learn some shit.

Fine.

Zach sat with Alex, Jess, and I at lunch. Kyla was sitting with Monty. I got the impression that she didn’t really like me all that much. In order to avoid a catfight-as much as I think the boys would like to see it- I found it best not to sit with them when she was around. Plus, it gave me a bit of a break from all the sports talk I had to pretend to care about. I shared my granola with Jess. Alex ‘stole’ my gummy bears. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I had the other bag in history. Zach kept my little secret. I felt him watching me out of the corner of his eye. He was talking to Alex about some video game. Jess and I rolled our eyes. “Boys.” We said in unison.

That weekend, Zach and I went for a walk along the docks. It was a beautiful day outside. We walked hand in hand just talking. When we felt like taking a break, we sat down on a bench overlooking the water and watched the waves. He put his arm around me and pulled me into his side. He was whispering sweet nothings in my ear. “Part of me wishes it was cold out, so I could offer you my sweater.”

“Me too.” I smiled.

“You look adorable in them.”

I giggled and hid my face in his shoulder. “I do not.”

“You do though.”

“Okay.” I blushed. He grinned at me as I peeked up at him.

We spent another hour walking and enjoying our time together. When it started to get dark, Zach walked me back to his car. He held the door open for me and kissed me before closing it. He is so sweet. The radio was playing softly. We sat in content silence for most of the drive. The purr of the engine lulled me into a peaceful sleep. “Reagan.” He whispered. I didn’t want to wake up. “Reagan. Baby, wake up for a second please.”

“Hmm?” My eyes stayed closed

“I just wanted to know if you want anything from Starbucks.”

“Sleeping.”

“You can stay in the car and sleep if you want.”

“Kay.”

“I’ll get you something.” He whispered and kissed my temple before getting out and locking the car. When I woke up, there was a cup of tea in the cup holder for me. So thoughtful.

**

I was in the middle of getting ready for a date with Zach when someone rang my doorbell. Running to answer it, my eyes widened when I saw Monty. His cheek was already starting to bruise and his knuckles were bloody. “Hey.”

“Uh. Hey there friend.” Blood was dripping onto my porch. “Just a sec.” I held up a finger and ran to grab a towel. He wrapped it around his hand before stepping inside. Thankfully there won’t be blood on the floor now. He stood in the entryway. “How’s the other guy?” I asked as I pulled out my phone to text Zach. Monty didn’t answer.

I’m so sorry. I have to cancel tonight. I think I’m coming down with a cold. I want to try to nip it in the bud and sleep it off.  

That’s okay. Do you want me to come over? I can bring you soup.

No, thanks though Zach. I’m just going to go get ready for bed and sleep so I can be better by Monday.

Okay. I’m just a text or call away if you need anything. <3

Thank you. <3

Now that my plans with Zach were taken care of, I was able to focus on the boy at my front door. “You know you don’t have to just stand there. You’ve been here before since we broke up.”

“I know. I just wanted to give you some space while you dealt with whatever plans you and Zach had.” He walked into the house further before adding, “which you didn’t have to do.”

“It’s not a big deal. I told you I would be here for you, whatever you need. Do you want some ice for your hand?” I dug around in the freezer for the tray. He tried to protest but I saw the thinly veiled wince when he flexed it. Sighing, I pulled out the freezer bags and filled one with ice. Monty accepted it begrudgingly.

“I didn’t need ice Reagan.”

“And I don’t need five million dollars Montgomery. If you don’t want it though, I’ll gladly take it back. I’m sure Kerba would love to hear about whatever bullshit reason you give for your hand being fucked again is.” He shut up and kept the ice.

“Think he would believe me if I said it was an exercise accident?”

“No.” I stated, shaking my head. Monty moved into the living room, settling in on the couch. Grabbing the remote with his good hand, he started scrolling through channels.

“You know if you hit the guide button, you can just pick a channel.”

“Yeah, but then you don’t complain about it and I can’t irritate you.”

“And I wasn’t done.” He didn’t respond, so I went into the closet for my mom’s first aid kit. She kept it stocked at all times. It was hard explaining why it was so depleted so frequently when Monty and I were together and even harder to explain why it was full after we broke up.

Walking over to the couch, I sat down and opened the kit. I grabbed some gauze and took his hand in mine. There was too much blood, so I had to go get a cloth. His lip curled when the wet cloth touched his cut knuckles. My brow rose but I didn’t say anything. Monty grimaced as I wrapped his hand. “Is your cheek okay?”

“It’s fine.”

“Okay. Have you eaten?”

“Yeah. You don’t need to feed me too Reagan.”

“Okay.” I let him continue flipping channels, knowing when to not push him. He never was very nice when I was patching him up. He finally settled on some old black and white film. Neither of us watched it. We just spent the night sitting in silence. It gave me plenty of time to think about the fact that I had lied straight through my teeth to my very nice, charming boyfriend.

A couple of weeks after I had patched Monty up, I noticed he wasn’t at school. I was walking to my locker with Alex that morning. Scott was talking to Charlie about something when we passed. “I don’t know where he is, man.”

“But we have a huge government midterm today.”

“It’s Monty. He probably just overslept or decided to cut first period.” I stopped walking unconsciously. Then where is he?

“You’re probably right.” Charlie said, as he adjusted his bag. He bumped into me when he passed. “Sorry Reagan. Guess I didn’t see you there.”

“Huh? No worries Charlie.” I smiled as he took Alex’s hand and nodded to them when they left me in the hall.

“He isn’t at school yet.” Scott said, behind me.

“Okay. I don’t know why you think I care but whatever.”

Scott looked at me seriously. “You care. Might want to look like you care less though. His replacement is coming this way.” I didn’t respond.

By lunch, I had started to worry. Charlie was right. We had a government midterm today. Monty couldn’t miss it. I scanned the cafeteria. There was no sign of him anywhere. He wasn’t in math this morning either. I couldn’t stop myself from texting him. I know you aren’t this self-destructive. Get your ass to school.

“Hey baby. Who’re you texting?”

“Just Bryce. I loaned him some of my government notes in first so he could cram. I just need them back.” Zach took my hand and we walked to the jocks table. Still no sign of Monty. I didn’t sit down. “Hey Bryce, did you get my text?”

“Uh. No?”

“About my government notes that you borrowed?”

“What-?” I gave him a look. “Oh. Yeah, I put them in my locker. Meant to bring them to lunch but it slipped my mind.”

“Can we go get them? I wanted to read over them during lunch.”

“Sure?”

“Great.” I nodded towards the door. He stood and followed me out.

“So, what the hell was that?”

“Did Monty stay at your place last night?”

“No. It’s probably nothing. You know how he is. Disappears sometimes.” We stopped walking and stepped into an empty hall.

“Yeah. It’s just that he knows this is important. I worry is all. Unlike you, he actually needs to get a scholarship.”

“I need to too Reagan.”

“You don’t. But go ahead and think that if it helps you sleep.” I shook my head and pulled my history notes out of my bag. “We’ve been gone a while. Don’t want anyone getting suspicious.” I texted Monty again while we walked in silence back to the cafeteria. If you aren’t in government I will drive to your house and kick your unfairly shapely ass. You better have a damn good excuse for not being here.

When I got to government for fifth period, I sighed in relief. Monty was sitting in his seat next to mine. “Nice of you to finally show up.” I grumbled as I sat down.

“I was busy.”

“It’s a Wednesday during school. During midterm week no less. What was so important?”

“Kyla got a new piercing a few weeks ago.” He smirked.

“You’re disgusting.”

“What? Have you and Zach still not?” My silence spoke volumes. He snorted. “No wonder you’ve been so bitchy lately. Want me to talk to him? Explain that you have needs?”

“No. I want you to not skip school to fuck your,” I paused, “Kyla. Because you aren’t a dumbass.” Even though I was pissed at him, I still waited for him until he had finished his test. We stopped at his locker so he could drop off his books.

Zach was waiting for me at my locker. We had rescheduled our movie date to today under the guise of making sure my cold was for sure gone and until midterms were complete. “Hey Zachy.” I hugged him and kissed his chest.

“Hey beautiful. How was your midterm?”

“Not bad. I think I did okay.”

“That’s good. How was it actually Monty?”

“Could have been worse. No one cried, which kind of sucks.”

“Good to know.” I put my stuff in my locker, failing miserably at the organization I had at the beginning of the year.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Monty. At eight. When you’re supposed to be at school.”

“Okay. We can go with that. You kids have fun now.” I shook my head and rolled my eyes. A blush had started to creep up my neck though. Maybe tonight.

When we got to my place, I left Zach downstairs to go change. I threw on underwear that matched my bra. Just in case. I settled on a pair of yoga pants that framed my ass well and threw on a low-cut comfortable tank top. Back downstairs, Zach was taking a bag of popcorn out of the microwave. I felt his eyes go straight to my butt as he heard me come down. I smirked slightly. I hugged him tightly from behind at the counter. “You’re cute.”

“So are you.”

“I’m not cute.”

“You are. My giant teddy bear you. Oh, and there’s a box of Mike & Ike’s in the pantry for you.”

“Thanks.” He grinned.

We scrolled through Netflix for a few minutes. Nothing looked really interesting until we scrolled past Beautiful Creatures. It’s good to make out to. And I like it. Settling in for the night, I rest my head on his lap. I sighed happily as Zach stroked my hair. It was so nice to just have a quiet night in with him. He adjusted his position slightly a while into the movie and I sat up to change positions as well. Falling asleep was not in the plans for this evening. He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer against his chest. Leaning back, I rested my head on his shoulder. I placed a few soft kisses on his neck and jaw.

Zach’s breathing picked up when my lips ghosted over a spot just under his chin. There it is. I smiled against it and kissed it again. He sighed and I pulled away to look at him. His pupils were slightly dilated. I leaned in to kiss him. He leaned in and our lips touched. It was soft and gentle at first, but quickly became deeper and more intense. This wasn’t the first time we made out at all. But this time felt different. More meaningful. Maybe it was the right choice to change my underwear. His tongue ran along my bottom lip, requesting entrance. I was more than happy to accommodate it. His hand made its way around to rest against the back of my neck. My body shifted into a kneeling position on the soft couch, so I had a better angle. One of my hands rested on his chest. The other wound its way around the back of his neck to play with the soft hairs at the top of it. So soft.

Our tongues playfully fought for dominance. Neither of us seemed too keen on winning. We were just enjoying the moment. The movie was still playing in the background, though neither of us cared. My hand traveled down his muscular body as our making out intensified. I played with the hem of his shirt. I wasn’t wanting to take it off. But I also wasn’t not wanting to take it off. My boyfriend has a very nice body. Zach took control and began leaning forward. He continued until my back hit the cushions. After some readjusting, I was laying comfortably with Zach’s large frame above me. I smirked slightly when I felt his pants beginning to tent. He only pulled away long enough to sit up and pull his shirt over his head. Ugh that is the hottest thing any man can do. The blue shirt dropped to the living room floor unceremoniously.

He kissed me once more before moving on to my neck. The initial kisses were light and teasing. He was still trying to draw a map of where all the sensitive spots were. I gasped when he brushed over my pulse point. Zach smiled softly against it. The kisses turned much less light and teasing after that. It was both sides under attack now. It felt so good. I couldn’t stop the quiet whimpers from escaping. I moaned his name and ran my fingers through his hair. Why do men get the super soft hair? God. This feels amazing. “I love you.” He breathed into my neck. My breath caught in my throat. What? It wasn’t like I had never thought I loved him. I did. I was just surprised that he said it first. When I didn’t say it back immediately, his kissing faltered. I didn’t mean to hesitate.

“I love you too.” I smiled, even though he couldn’t see it.

We continued making out for a while until it got too close to my parents getting home. It was a long weekend, so they didn’t care much if he was over late. We were both adults. On weekends, they trusted us to be alone later. Even if alone meant ‘my parents are in their room upstairs or down the hall so shhh’. On school nights, Zach was gone by ten thirty. Even though they trusted us, none of us needed to experience them walking into the house to see their daughter and her boyfriend getting hot and heavy on their couch. Instead, we cozied up on the couch under a blanket and watched a couple more movies. “It’s getting late Reagan. I should head home. Mom will probably send Deputy Standall to come get me soon.”

“Okay.” Zach and I walked to the door and hugged goodbye. I stood on my tip toes and kissed him gently. “I love you.” I whispered.

“I love you too.” He whispered back.

The next morning, I woke up with tiny purple marks on the sides of my neck. He doesn’t usually leave marks. I like it. I wore my hair down so my parents didn’t see them. I may be an adult, but they still preferred I didn’t go around sporting hickeys all the time. Probably part of why they hated Monty so much. My mom felt it was anti-feminist. It was letting a man mark their territory and property. I usually challenged that with her wedding set. Dad just preferred not to think of me as being in a physical relationship. He was aware of it of course. Just preferred not to acknowledge it. Which, I mean, fair.

At school, I couldn’t leave my hair down. It was too hot. I threw it in a high ponytail in history. Zach breathed in sharply when he saw my neck. I turned and smiled at him. “Thank you.” His eyes widened and he coughed to cover a groan. During lunch, I could feel the boys staring at me as they arrived at the table.

“Damn Zach. Didn’t think you had it in you.” Bryce sniggered. I rolled my eyes.

“I did. You finally corrupted him, Reagan?” Justin wiggled his brows at us. I blushed and hid my face in Zach’s chest. I was never this shy about marks with Monty. Maybe that was because no one made comments like that when he did it. Because it was expected. And they knew he would rip their tongues out. I expected Monty to comment. He surprised me when he only quirked a brow. I was less surprised when he pulled me aside before history.

“Don’t let your parents see those. You seem quite attached to him. Wouldn’t want your dad to actually kill him. Maybe you should leave your hair down for a while. Wouldn’t want anyone getting any ideas, would you?”

I was stunned at the unnecessary hostility in his tone. Why the fuck does he care? He didn’t say anything else. I turned as he walked away, leaving me alone in the hall. I still put my hair down though.

Zach and I continued to explore the more physical aspect of our relationship in the coming weeks. Nothing too serious, just some semi-clothed touching. Maybe the rare under clothes touches. Only enough to tease. Never enough to lead anywhere. I was both grateful and frustrated by it. He didn’t leave anymore marks on me either. He could tell I was uncomfortable with his friend’s comments and wanted to avoid it as much as possible. We had agreed to wait until we were both ready. Neither of us were virgins. But it was still new. It did leave me with plenty of time to wonder what it would be like though.

When I wasn’t thinking about all the dirty things Zach and I could get up to, or Zach in general, or Monty, I occupied my time with college applications. My top choice had been UNC Chapel Hill for many years. Even before I knew what I wanted to study. I worked hard in school because of it. There were other schools I would like to go to, but none compared to UNC in my mind. I remembered when Monty and I had talked about what we wanted to do after high school, and he looked amazed but slightly skeptical at my goal. I knew he didn’t mean anything bad by it. We both knew how big of a goal I was. Zach had a different look on his face. He looked at me with complete faith that it would happen. It wasn’t even a question to him. He didn’t verbalize the thought, but I could see it in his eyes. I just hoped he was right.

Admissions emails were due to go out any day now. I both couldn’t wait and absolutely dreaded it. I had applied to seven schools. Statistically speaking, I had to get into at least one of them. I just wasn’t sure which one. Zach tried his best to reassure me that everything would work out. Our friends agreed with him. Monty also tried to reassure me. And keep my mind off of it with his incessant flirting. It was nice. I had a constant I could focus on. Monty flirting with me, as strange as it sounded, was keeping me calm. Zach tried his best to keep my mind occupied. We talked about anything but schools unless we needed to. It was sweet.  I just wasn’t sure it was helping much.

The pring of an email notification on my phone pulled my attention away from the textbook I was reading. I quickly grabbed my laptop and logged on. Pulling up Gmail, I held my breath. It could be any email. An email titled University of North Carolina Chapel Hill Office of Registrar Admissions Decision sat at the top of my inbox in bold letters. This is it. Holy crap. I was shaking so hard I opened the wrong email first.

Back on my inbox page, I took a very deep breath and opened the email. Dear Miss Reagan Taylor, thank you for your application to the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. We regret to inform you that you have not been accepted for admission at this time. I couldn’t read any further. There was more information, I just couldn’t bring myself to read any of it. My eyes had begun to fill with tears. I didn’t get in. I worked so hard. And I still didn’t get in. Numbly, I moved the computer off my lap and grabbed my phone. Unconsciously, I selected a contact and put it to my ear as I felt myself beginning to dissociate.

“Hello?”

“Hi. A-are you busy right now?”

“I don’t have to be. What’s wrong?”

“C-can you come here? Please?”

“I’ll be right there.”

I numbly walked out of my room and went to unlock the front door. In my room, I sat in the center of my bed and hugged my knees. Willing the tears to remain at bay, I screwed my eyes shut. That didn’t do much to help, because all I saw was a string of the words not been accepted running over and over again.

A knock on my bedroom door caused me to look up. I wasn’t aware of how much time had passed. He was standing in my doorway with his hands tucked in his pockets. “I didn’t get in.” I said softly. My voice cracked. His long stride had him at my bedside and sitting down within only a few steps. He pulled me close to him and I cried into his shoulder. He laid us back and he held me as I cried. I felt so vulnerable as we laid there silently.

It must have been at least an hour before we moved. It had started getting dark outside. “Thank you, Monty.”

“You needed me.”

“I know. I just,” I paused, “thank you.”

“I’ll see you at school tomorrow?”

“Yeah.” I walked him to the door and went to take a shower. When I got out, I saw that Zach had texted me. I love you and I hope you’re having a good day. I sighed to myself. I couldn’t bring myself to find the energy to text him back. Instead, I crawled into bed and fell into a fitful sleep.

The next day, I threw on a pair of sweatpants and one of Zach’s t-shirts. I was too upset about the email to really care about looking nice. I met Zach at his car in the parking lot. He had a cup of hot chocolate for me and had his adorable happy grin plastered across his face. “Morning beautiful.” I took the to go cup gratefully.

“Morning.” He put his arm around me as we walked, and I leaned against his large frame.

“How was your night?”

“It was okay. Yours?”

“It was alright. Anything exciting happen?” Exciting is not the word I would use.

“Uh, no. Not really.” We had reached my locker. I opened it and dug around for my stuff.

“Hey, Reagan.” Luke called from across the hall. I lifted my arm and waved at him without turning around.

“What’s up Luke?” I asked when he was at my locker. Some of the football team was with him, including Monty.

“You know, it goes. I heard back from UNC yesterday. Did you?”

“Uh.” I cleared my throat and tried to will away more tears. I didn’t miss the sharp intake of breath Monty made. “I uh… Yeah. I didn’t get in.” I muttered. There was confused murmuring all around me. The only one who didn’t say anything was Monty. I didn’t have to look up to see that Zach was glaring daggers at him.

“How did they not accept you?” Charlie asked.

“I don’t know Char. It was a long shot anyway. Their acceptance rate is twenty three percent total. It’s even less for out of state applicants. Applicants who aren’t being given sports scholarships anyway. No offence Luke.”

“None taken. I’m sorry Reagan.”

“It’s okay. I applied to other schools.” I cleared my throat again. “I have to get to class.

“I’ll walk you.” Zach said. I nodded and took his hand in mine.

We stopped on the way when he pulled me aside into an empty classroom. “You didn’t mention that you heard back from UNC.”

“I know. I just… I needed some time to process. Can we talk about this later? I have a reading due at the beginning of class.”

“Sure. I’ll see you at lunch?”

“Of course.” I kissed him on the cheek. I sat through my classes in an almost daze. Monty sent me a couple of texts that made me smile. Zach also sent a couple of goofy pictures to try and cheer me up. My smile didn’t quite meet my eyes as much. I attributed it to being upset about the admission decision.

I met Zach at the doors to the cafeteria and he hugged me. I smiled sadly into his chest. I picked at my lunch silently. I could feel Monty and Zach’s eyes on me. They were watching both me and each other. No one else picked up on the tension. “Did you want to come over after school Zach? My parents are at work.”

“That works. I’ll let my mom know we are studying after school.”

“Studying each other?” Justin smirked. I rolled my eyes. Zach threw a piece of cheese at him.

“Fuck off.”

“Why do you throw food at each other?”

“It’s fun.” They shrugged.

“Alright then. I have a free period so I’m going to finish a project. I’ll see you guys later.” I leaned over and kissed Zach.

A few minutes after I sat down and pulled up my assignment, someone sat next to me. “So. You didn’t tell Zach?”

“No Monty.” I didn’t look up from my computer.

“You didn’t tell him you called me either, did you?”

“No. But I’m sure it will come up tonight when we talk.”

“You’ll let me know if everything is okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. I have class so I’ll text you hot stuff.”

“You better.” I smirked.

Zach and I met each other at my place. My parents were at work and I think both of us knew this was going to become a fight, so I wasn’t surprised when he agreed to come over at lunch without a thought.. We danced around each other in silence. Neither of us knew how to react to the tension between us. With Montgomery it was easy. He would be in a mood or I would be upset about something, we would yell at each other for a while, and then… then it was fixed. I had never fought with Zach before.

“Why didn’t you tell me about UNC?”

“I told you. I needed time to process. To think. That was my top choice Zach. My plans literally changed overnight. That takes time to think through.”

“But I’m your boyfriend. I’m supposed to help you with that stuff. To be there for you.”

“I know. But I need to take time to process before I can deal, okay?”

“Right. Time to process. That’s why Monty knew?”

“How do you know he knew?”

“His reaction this morning. Plus, I heard him talking to Scott and Luke about it in class.”

“Are you mad I didn’t tell you, or are you mad I told Monty?”

“Both.”

“I don’t know why I told him okay?”

“No Reagan. Not okay.”

“I didn’t do it intentionally Zach. I just… dialed. I wasn’t even looking at my phone.”

“Is that supposed to make this better? That your instinct was to call your ex-boyfriend and not me?”

“No. I’m saying that I wasn’t even thinking clearly. All I knew was that in an instant my entire future was fading before my eyes.”

“So, you called Monty.”

“Yes Zach. I called him. I called him and he came. He dropped everything and he came to me.”

“What happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“What. Happened. Reagan?”

“Nothing. I just cried. And cried. And then he left. I was upset.”

“Why couldn’t you call me?”

“Oh my god, Zach. I wasn’t thinking. I can’t explain to you why I called him and not you. I just picked a contact without looking and it was his.”

“Do you still love him?” His question caught me off guard. Do I?

“No.” My voice sounded sure. My brain and heart didn’t believe me. Hopefully Zach would.

“You don’t. Why do you still flirt with him?”

“I don’t love him. As for the flirting, that’s just how we talk to each other. We’ve always done it.”

“Well, I don’t like it.”

“Noted.”  

Zach scoffed. “You flirt with your ex in front of me.”

“I don’t mean anything by it.”

“That doesn’t matter. Do you not think it’s weird that you’re still super close to your ex?”

“Not really, no. He is my friend. You can be friends with an ex, you know.”

“Most people can’t, actually.”

“So what? You’re mad that I’m friends with Monty?”

“I’m not mad Reagan. It’s just a lot to deal with.”

“Why?”

“Do you know how it feels to learn stuff about you, because your ex is talking about it? Or because you two are joking about something?”

“No. I guess I never really thought about it like that. It’s not that weird to us. But it does make sense.” I sat down on my couch. My adrenaline was leveling out again and I felt like an asshole.

“It doesn’t feel good.” He sat down next to me.

“I’m sorry Zach. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything.”

“I know.”

“I’ll talk to Monty about it. Tell him we need to stop the flirting and stuff.” Zach took my hand gently.

“Okay.” I rested my head on his shoulder and he pulled me into his lap. I was shocked that a fight had been resolved that easily and cleanly.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Monty and I met at the docks to talk after Zach and I fought. “Hey.”

“Hey sweetheart.” I grimaced slightly.

“Zach and I talked.”

“Okay. How did it go?”

“He was pretty ticked off that you knew about UNC before he knew. And that you came over instead of him.”

“But I’m your friend.”

“And he is my boyfriend. Also, for the record, you aren’t just my friend Monty. You’re my ex.”

“So?”

“So, you aren’t just my friend.”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because. The way you talk to me, it’s like we never broke up. You’re the one who said you wanted to break up. That you weren’t ready for a serious relationship. Or any relationship for that matter.”

“Is it you, or Zach that has a problem with it?” My silence spoke volumes. “I see. Well, you go tell your boyfriend that we talked.”

“Monty. I do feel bad about it. It’s not fair to Zach to have to deal with you flirting with me and making moves all the time.”

“You know, if I believed that you felt bad, or that you were honestly asking me to stop, I would. But I know you. I know this isn’t coming from you.”

“Montgomery. You need to stop. I’m asking you to stop.”

“Fine. I’ll cool it.”

“Thank you. That’s all I ask. Still friends?”

“Of course, Rea.” He hugged me tightly. I felt like I would let tight hugs slide because I liked them. We walked to our cars together quietly. I didn’t want to have to go or have things change, but I knew that if I wanted to stay with Zach, they would have to.

Monty was true to his word for all of three days. We were still friendly. The flirting had stopped though. There was still a buzz in the air when we interacted. It was easier to ignore now. At least, I thought it had stopped. I was painting my finger and toenails in the bathroom on Saturday night. It was my weekly self-care night. My phone rang before I could decide on a face mask to do while my nails dried. I smiled but rolled my eyes a bit when I saw who was calling. “Hi Monty.” I tried to sound annoyed but couldn’t keep the smile out of my voice.

“Hey Reagan.” He slurred slightly. I could hear the sound of boys falling and goofing off in the background. Bryce is having a thing, I guess.

“What’s up Buddy?”

“Jus’ guys night.”

“You don’t say.”

“You sound relaxed.”

“And you sound mighty drunk. It’s Saturday.”

“Right. Right. Girly night.” He chuckled.

“Yes. Is there a reason you called?”

“Wanted to say hi.”

“Oh.” I thought we had talked about this.

“I miss you.” He slurred. Oh boy.

“Uh. Miss you too.” I grimaced. He was drunk so I wasn’t going to just pretend I hadn’t heard him. Montgomery wouldn’t remember this in the morning.

“I’m an idiot.”

“No, you aren’t.”

“I am. I let you go.”

“Monty….”

“I love you.” My eyes widened. No. I felt the corners of my eyes begin to fill with tears. Looking up, I blinked them away. I didn’t know what to say.

“I-.”

“I’m in love with you.”

“Monty.” I whispered. Why is this happening? We talked about this. At least he won’t remember this tomorrow. But I can’t just act like it didn’t happen.

“Buddy, get off the phone and come play.” Garrison called in the background.

“Gotta go.” Monty said before hanging up. What the actual fuck just happened?

I didn’t text Monty or Zach all day Sunday. I didn’t actually talk to or text anyone aside from my parents. I woke up on Monday dreading school. I just laid in bed and stared at my ceiling. I would see Zach and have to act like that phone call didn’t happen. And that Montgomery hadn’t said what he said. I would also see him. I don’t know if I can do that. He’s your friend. He was wasted when he called you. He won’t remember it. Taking a deep breath, I threw off the covers and got up. I stopped for a coffee on my way to school to try to calm my nerves, even though I was more of a tea person.

I walked into the school and as luck would have it, the first person I saw, was Montgomery freaking De la Cruz. Thank you, Universe. Instantly, I turned on my heel and walked out of the building before he could see me. Books weren’t important now. I had to avoid him. I power walked to the nearest exit and stopped by a large tree. Leaning against it, I took a deep breath and contemplated ditching school. That wasn’t going to be possible. Because the universe decided to say fuck Reagan today. Zach was walking towards me from the parking lot. He waved. I pretended I hadn’t seen it and ignored him. He stopped when he got to my tree. “Hey, are you okay?”

“Hey. Yeah. I’m okay.”

“You’re breathing kind of heavy. And leaning against a tree.”

“I’m fine Zach.”

“Okay.” He didn’t sound convinced. Before he could say anything more, I picked up my bag and brushed past him. I took the long way around to the back of the building to physics. I slumped in my seat and doodled through the whole class. I was doing well enough that the teacher wasn’t going to call on me.

I spent the next week avoiding Monty. I didn’t answer his texts. I took different routes to class. As far as I was concerned, he didn’t exist anymore. Except for the near constant string of text messages that I was getting from him. And his confession running over in my head any time I had a free moment to think. Why did he have to do that? I was getting on just fine. Zach and I were in a good place again. We agreed that we would just be friends. Fine. Fine. Fine.

I was also distant with Zach. I felt awful about it. You love him. He can say it to you sober. He loves you. If he saw me in the halls, he would come over and I would let him walk me to class. We would hold hands. My grip wasn’t as tight as usual. He would put his arm around me. I wouldn’t lean against him. I think he could tell something was off. Being Zach, he wouldn’t bring it up though. Since I was avoiding my two favourite jocks, I couldn’t exactly sit with Zach at lunch. I sat with Jess and Alex instead. Without Zach. They exchanged looks the first day but said nothing.

I went to the baseball game after school to support Zach. And to make it seem like nothing was wrong between him and I or Monty and I. I didn’t want people asking too many questions. Questions I didn’t want to answer. Monty’s drunken declaration had brought up feelings I had spent the better part of a year and a half, trying to bury. I was the one that wanted more from him. I was the one who needed more. When it was clear I wasn’t going to get more, I settled. And then when we broke up, I was comfortable in the fact that even though I loved him and I felt like he loved me, it would go unsaid and we could just be friends. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that was why we were so close and flirted with each other. While I wasn’t in love with him anymore, I still did love him. Even though I told Zach I wasn’t. Liar. You are still hopelessly in love with him. Maybe. But I can’t have him the way I want. And I love Zach. I just haven’t decided if I’m in love with him yet.

After the game, I waited to say bye to Zach and congratulate him on the win. “Congratulations 16. You won.” I smiled as he walked up to me. I was waiting at the bottom of the bleachers.

“Of course, we did. I had my biggest cheerleader in the stands.” He grinned. I couldn’t help but melt. Pushing away any and all thoughts of Montgomery’s phone call, I threw my arms around his neck and let him scoop me up into his arms as we kissed. My legs wrapped around his waist and his hands held my thighs.

“Get a room.” Bryce called out to us as he passed with some of the guys. The jocks cheered and whistled. I flipped them off and pulled away from the kiss.

“Two things. One, you don’t have girlfriends because you whistle at girls. We aren’t dogs. Two, fuck off.” I called back.

“I have a girlfriend.” Anders yelled.

“I know. She’s awesome. That’s two of twenty. Now shut up and leave us be assholes.”

“Yes Ma’am.”

Zach let out a loud laugh when they walked away. “That was amazing.”

“Yeah. It kind of was. Sadly, I have to go work on a project. Walk me to my car?” I said as I jumped out down.

“Lead the way.”

I was working on my project when Monty called me. I sent it straight to voicemail. He called again. I let it ring out. He called back. This man just doesn’t quit. Again, I let it ring. He called a fourth time. Jesus. I answered it on the second to last ring. “What?”

“Woah. Who pissed in your tea today?”

“You called me four times in a row. What do you want Montgomery?”

“Well, I was calling to see why you have been ignoring me. But now I’m going to ask why you’re being such a bitch?”

“I’m busy. And you called me four times in a row.”

“Busy with what?”

“A project.”

“Okay. I’ll keep this quick then. Since a project is apparently more important than your best friend.” I didn’t respond. “Why have you been avoiding me, Reagan?”

“I haven’t been avoiding you.”

“Bull. I haven’t seen or heard from you in almost a week. Are you mad at me or something?”

“No. I’ve been busy.”

“With Zach?”

“No. With stuff. I have a life outside of Zach Dempsey and you, you know.”

“Stuff. Okay. What stuff?”

“School stuff. Trying to figure out what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. Stuff.”

“Alright. I don’t believe you though. Did I do something wrong?” Yes. You did. Something very wrong. That you apparently can’t even remember. Meaning you didn’t have to just be drunk to say it. You had to be wasted.

“No. I’ve just been busy.” I sighed.

“We’re okay?”

“Yes Monty. We’re okay.”

“Okay good. Did you want to do lunch tomorrow?”

“Sure.”

“Great. Rosie’s at one?”

“I’ll be there.” I threw my phone on my bed when I hung up. This man is infuriating. Why can’t I say no to him?

To no one’s surprise, Monty didn’t stop flirting with me. He made comments about my outfits or little things that he knew about me. It had finally driven Kyla away. I feared that Zach would be the next person he drove away. I didn’t fall into his trap anymore and let him bait me into flirting with him again. He tried hard. But I didn’t want to go back on my word to Zach. I couldn’t control what Monty did. But I could control how I reacted. So, any time Monty flirted with me, I ignored it. I pushed down the little flutter in my stomach and blush that threatened to creep up my neck. Zach would roll his eyes and smirk if he was around to watch the spectacle that had become Monty and my interactions. We both figured he would grow tired of not getting a response and quit eventually. I have no idea why. Montgomery De la Cruz never was one to back down from a challenge.

As the school year started heading towards its close, the big senior trip was coming up. Every year, the school sent the senior class on a trip. It was supposed to be educational and technically was fair game on any exams except our government finals when we got back. But really, it was to let us blow off some steam and get us into a different environment, so we were less likely to do a Senior Skip Day or senior prank. The only teachers who tested on it were the hard asses. This year we would be going to DC to “learn about the government and how our nation’s democracy runs.”

The senior class was abuzz with excitement about our trip to DC. It was fully paid for by the school due to it being a mandatory trip, aside from the few thousand we needed to fundraise for. It wasn’t cheer camp so people were more willing to donate for a bake sale, over Dollar Valentines. Typically, everyone shared rooms at the hotel. This year however, there was an uneven number of girls in the class. Meaning that one lucky girl, would get a whole room to herself for the week. To make it a fair draw, every grade twelve girl’s name was put into a raffle. A random teacher from the neighbouring school then pulled a name from the bunch, to keep it impartial. An email would be sent out to every girl, letting her know if she was picked.

I held my phone tightly all day on draw day. It was a week out from the day we were leaving. We weren’t told when the email would go out. Only that we would know by tonight. I hope it’s me. At dinner, my phone pringed. I shot up like I had been bitten.

“Reagan. You know the rules. No phones at dinner.” My mom scolded.

“But Mom. It’s draw day for the single room. I need to go check. Please? Thirty seconds. Promise.”

“Okay. Go check.” She waved me off. I ran to the counter and grabbed my phone. Opening the email, I read it intently. Reagan Taylor- Single room. I screeched in excitement.

“I got the single room! I got the single!”

“That’s wonderful honey. Now come finish your broccoli.” I quickly texted Zach. I got it. :) He replied while I was finishing dinner. That’s great. :)

I texted Monty after dinner as well. I got the single room. He replied while I was getting ready for bed.

Excellent. What better place for you and Dempsey to screw each other silly? Can’t wait to hear all the details.

You are such a creep.

You like it.

The Friday before we left, Zach came over after school to help me pack. My parents were having date night, so it was just the two of us for the foreseeable future. Ever the gentleman, he helped me carry my suitcase up from the storage room. The rose gold hard case set was laid out on my floor. I put Zach in charge of folding my clothes, since he was the self-proclaimed “master packer”. He pouted slightly when I said he couldn’t fold my underwear. I managed to sneak in a few more sexy sets as well. We would be gone for a week. A lot can happen in six nights.

“Do you like this shirt?” I asked him.

“It’s nice.”

“I could wear it to the Capital.”

“Yeah. Or dinner.”

“There’s going to be dinner, hmmm?”

He walked towards me and took the shirt from my hands. “There might be. There also might be a lot more than dinner.” Zach wrapped his arms around me.

“Oh really?”

“Mhmm. If you want more than dinner.”

“I do have a single room.”

“That you do. Bring the shirt.”

“Okay.” I felt a blush creeping all the way up to my ears.

After some more packing, we took a break. A very nice break. We were laying on my bed. The suitcase was still open in the corner of my room. Zach shifted so he was resting his head in his hand on his elbow. I looked up at him and grinned. He grinned back. “Hi.”

“Hi.” He leaned down and kissed me softly. I kissed him back and wrapped my arms around his neck. Zach smiled into the kiss and moved to climb on top of me. He straddled my waist so that I was on my back again. The more he kissed me, the more I wanted this to go further.

My hands left his neck and went to pull on his shirt. I was trying to pull it off without breaking our kiss. When it was halfway up his torso, he pulled away from the kiss and pulled the cotton over his head. I smiled demurely at him. He began kissing me again and our tongues did their playful dance. I moaned softly when he kissed my neck. He didn’t suck hard enough to leave any marks. I sat up to take off my shirt when he pulled it up my stomach. He kissed me once again and I carded my fingers through his hair. My breathing started to get heavier as his Zach’s hands explored my body. My hips bucked lightly. He unzipped my jeans and I wiggled them off. They were pushed to the end of the bed along with our shirts. I struggled with his belt a little. I wasn’t used to it yet. It still felt foreign under my fingers. Finally, I had removed it. I unzipped his jeans and Zach kicked them off. He moved his kisses down my chest, brushing over the top of my bra. I sighed. My hands moved to his to the front of his torso and I ran my fingers up and down his chest. The skin was smooth, but I felt goosebumps form where I touched. We were still in our underwear. This feel so… nice. Nice is good. So why does it feel like I have no clue what I’m doing?

We made out passionately. Our exploration of each other’s bodies continued. There was light teasing and nipping at spots. It felt good. Zach unhooked my bra and I pulled it off. It landed at the end of the bed with our other clothes. I gasped when he grew bolder and sucked a pebbling nipple into his mouth. His tongue flicked it a few times and I moaned his name. He used his other hand to roll and tease my other nipple. My hips couldn’t be stopped from bucking. I wanted more. I reached for his boxers. I was only able to brush his V-line. He pulled away from me.

“Did you want something?” He asked cheekily.

“Mhmm.” I moaned and reached for him again. My eyes were trained on the bulge in his boxers. They widened as he pulled them off and his cock sprang out. Reaching out, I grasped it in my hand. It felt hot and heavy. He moaned softly when I began stroking.

To make things easier and more comfortable, he rolled over so he was on his back. I sat up some and watched his face. Zach’s eyes were closed, and his brow was furrowed. He looked relaxed. I leaned down and kissed him. His fingers tangled into my hair as he deepened the kiss. My strokes became more confident and picked up speed. The quiet moans and grunts he was emitting were very encouraging. Soon enough, his hips were bucking. He sat up to stop me. I looked at him with dark eyes. He smiled at me and sat up, pushing me down on the soft mattress. Zach was gazing at me with the most kind and loving expression I had ever seen. My heart swelled.

I couldn’t wait any longer and reached to pull down my underwear. Zach pulled them down my legs and threw them towards the end of my bed. I got comfortable as he reached out for me. His fingers quickly found my core, and then my clit. My breath hitched when he rubbed it. He was gentle. I silently thanked him for that. Gathering some lubrication, he spent a little while trying different gestures and patterns as he ran his fingers through my core. There was some back-and-forth movement, as well as some up and down. It felt good but it wasn’t quite it. He tried circles and I moaned his name loudly. “That’s it. Do that. Do more of that.” My hips twisted. He leaned down to kiss me again while he rubbed me. Zach continued to rub my clit softly in circular motions. I moaned lowly as a finger entered me. It was slow and calculated. He continued to stimulate me for a few minutes, varying the speed and intensity of both his rubbing and thrusting. My hips wiggled in an attempt to get more stimulation.

Deciding I was aroused enough, he pulled away and looked at me questioningly. “There is a new box of condoms in my sock drawer.” He nodded and stood to grab one. Once the condom was properly and securely in place, he climbed back on top of me. I felt dwarfed by his large frame. He rubbed my clit and fingered me a few more times, before I felt his cock brush against my folds. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for him to enter me. I was expecting something quick. Like ripping off the band aid. Instead, he slowly pushed his way into my body. I groaned and my head rolled to the side. His breath hitched when he bottomed out.

“Shit.” He cursed in my ear.

After a few beats, he began to slowly thrust. I tried to match his slow, sweet pace. It just felt so different. Nice. Good. But still different. Zach started kissing up and down my neck again. I smiled and eventually, was able to match his thrusts. They began speeding up slightly and he intertwined his fingers with mine. I squeezed his hands. I closed my eyes when he kissed me. It almost felt like there was something missing. While I was trying to focus on the sensations coursing through my body, I realized that we weren’t just having sex. We were making love. I froze slightly but covered it by tensing up a little. I could feel my orgasm approaching anyway. I could tell it would be different than normal. I was both excited and a little scared.

As though Zach could sense my thoughts, he kissed me deeply and murmured against my lips, “let go.” His thrusts picked up speed and my hips stilled. I felt the knot in my stomach start to tighten and I clutched his shoulders. I moaned loudly as I felt the knot snap. My orgasm was different than it had been in the past. It was good, but it was less intense. There was no convulsing or extreme contortion. He continued to thrust, pulling me through my orgasm. My muscles relaxed and I slumped for a second. I could tell Zach’s high was in his reach. I began whispering dirty nothings in his ear and telling him that I loved him to try to get him to finish. I kissed his neck and nibbled softly. His thrusting became sloppy and he groaned loudly as he peaked.

With a laboured grunt, Zach rolled off of me and pulled me close to him. I closed my eyes for a second. Then I remembered I had to go to the bathroom. I rolled over and sat up slowly. When I returned to bed, Zach had discarded the condom and put on his boxers. I pulled his shirt on, along with a clean pair of underwear. Curling up in his arms, I rested my eyes for a while. “I love you.” I whispered as I drifted off.

“I love you too.” We woke up an hour later and finished packing, sneaking coy glances at each other.

Tuesday morning started unfairly early. We had to be at the airport by eight for our flight at ten. My alarm went off at five thirty. I protested as I sat up and rubbed my eyes. Slowly, I made my way to the bathroom to shower. I didn’t need to look super cute, but I at least wanted to smell good. It was a five-hour flight. I double checked that I had everything packed while my hair towel dried. My dad knocked on my door and I grunted at him. The shower had done little to wake me up. “Morning Kiddo. I’m just going to take your suitcase downstairs.”

“K.” I muttered.

Downstairs after I got dressed, I poured myself a very large cup of coffee. I didn’t really like sleeping on planes. Plus, I could get a tea after we got through security. My mom had offered to drive Zach and I to the airport, so I called him to make sure he was up. “Good morning Baby.”

“Good morning babe.” He sighed on the other end of the line.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah. Jut tired.”

“Me too. Mom just wanted to make sure you were up.”

“I am. Stuff is by the door and everything.”

“Oh good. See you in half an hour?”

“Okay. See you then. I love you.”

“I love you too.” I hung up and texted Monty to make sure he was up. Get up loser, we’re going to DC.

I’m up. And it’s too early for bending Mean Girls quotes.

It’s never too early. He replied with an eye roll emoji. I shook my head and didn’t answer.

“Reagan, are you ready to go?” My mom asked.

“Yeah.” I grabbed my backpack and rolled my suitcase out to the car. Dad lifted it into the back and checked that mom and I were securely buckled. Have to make sure my girls are safe. He had said when I asked him about doing that when I was younger. I still didn’t let him see the way I smiled about it.

Zach was waiting on his front steps for us. It was still early and May was still asleep. He waved and mom opened the back hatch for him. I looked in the rear view mirror and smirked at the way his muscles bulged when he lifted his suitcase into the car. He kissed me when he got in and greeted my mom. “Thanks for the ride Mrs. Taylor.”

“Of course, Zach.” She smiled at him from the driver’s seat. Once we got onto the highway, traffic was fairly light. It was still pretty early so we beat most of the commuters. It grew heavier as we got closer to the airport. None of us were surprised. Especially given that an entire high school senior class was descending upon it.

Mom parked in the drop off zone for the airline. Zach got out and walked around the car to open my door. He hugged me tightly as I stepped out. I breathed in the fresh scent of his cologne. “Hi.”

“Hi.” I looked up at him and grinned. Throwing on my backpack, I grabbed Zach’s while he got our suitcases. Inside, we met up with our friends. Clay was basically dragging Justin through the airport. Alex and Charlie both looked very awake for seven forty-five in the morning. Must be nice. I nodded at Monty and Scott from across the room. They were talking to Bryce and Luke.

Getting our tickets and going through security went shockingly well. Since we had so much time to kill, the teachers let us roam the gate freely. We had to swear left and right we would be on the plane. I abandoned Zach with Justin and Alex to go in search of a piping hot cup of tea. “Reagan.” Monty said as he approached me.

“Morning Monty. It’s tea time.”

“I need coffee. I’ll go with you.” We walked through the gate silently. I could feel his eyes on me. He was trying way too hard to seem like he wasn’t

staring at me.

“Can I help you?”

“There’s something different about you.”

“Oh? Like what?”

“You seem… less tense.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” He stopped for a minute. “Wait. Did you two finally?” I blushed. “You did. Was it good?”

“Yeah.” I replied. It wasn’t a lie. It was good.

“Yeah? Better than us?” I turned to him, perplexed.

“Is that trick question? How do you want me to answer that?”

“Is that a no?” He smirked.

“No. It’s not an answer. Because it’s none of your business.”

“Alright, don’t tell me.”

Tea and coffee in hand, we walked back to the gate to sit until our plane boarded. The minutes ticked by. Zach was watching YouTube videos on his phone. I peeked over my book at him. He looked up and smiled. I felt eyes on us and turned to Monty. He was smirking at Zach. I rolled my eyes, mouthed piss off to him, and went back to my book. The flight to DC was pretty boring. I was able to sit with Zach and we watched a movie for the first half of it. Afterwards, I listened to some music and read while he slept.

We spent the first night in DC relaxing after a long flight. I enjoyed having a single room. It was quiet and I didn’t have to argue with anyone about what bed I would get. Jess came to do a face mask and have some girl time. It was nice. “So, tell me. What’s new with you and Zach.”

“There’s not much to tell.” I fibbed. She saw right through me.

“Oh, come on Reagan. There is totally something to spill.”

“We finally had sex.”

“No way!”

“Yeah.”

“How was it?” I hesitated. “Girl talk.” She smiled at me and I knew none of what I said would get back to Zach.

“It was nice.”

“And?”

“Good.”

“Nice and good?”

“Yes.”

“That’s the best you can come up with?”

“I don’t know Jessica. It was nice.”

“But it’s supposed to be more than nice.”

“I know. And it wasn’t bad. It was just….”

“No. Don’t even think that. We cleansed. Remember?”

“Okay Ryan Shaver.” I laughed.

“Still.”

“I know. It was just different is all.”

“I get that.” She sighed wistfully. I tried to scrub the mental image of Jessica and Justin going at it like jack rabbits. Ew. No no. Bad.

We toured the Smithsonian on Wednesday and went to the Capital on Thursday to see Congress. I stuck close to Zach the whole time. Monty continued his flirting. It was as though he really had no idea what he had said to me last month on the phone. I did my best to ignore it. But it was starting to get on my nerves. I could tell Zach was growing frustrated as well. While it got on my nerves, I was having a harder and harder time ignoring the butterflies in my stomach when Montgomery tried to charm his way to me. He could tell. I just hoped Zach couldn’t. Our interactions had been tense since last month.

Tensions between me and Monty come to a head in DC. It was Friday night, three days into our weeklong trip. I was coming back from an evening coffee run with Zach and Justin. Monty was milling about with Bryce and Luke outside. I tried to ignore the pang in my chest when I saw them. Monty caught my eye and subtly nodded at me. No one in either of our groups noticed. I pulled out my phone and texted him. My room. 10 mins. He waited until we were inside the hotel to read my message. There was no response. I assumed he got the message and made to excuse myself to my room. “That was really great guys. I’m actually pretty tired and I still have to fill in my trip journal for the day. I think I’m going to head up to my room.”

“Okay, night Reagan.” Justin nodded. He seemed slightly suspicious. I chalked it up to him having his own experience with bullshit excuses.

“Do you want me to walk you up?” Zach asked.

“No, don’t worry. You hang out with Justin. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Alright. Text me when you get upstairs. I love you.”

“I love you too.” I kissed him softly.

Upstairs, I threw my backpack on the unoccupied bed and threw my hair up. Since I would be getting ready for bed soon anyway, I brushed my teeth and changed into my pyjamas while I waited for Montgomery. I was putting my toiletries back in my suitcase when he knocked on my door sharply. He was standing on the other side of the door, his hands once again buried in his pockets when I opened it. “You rang.”

“Hi.” I moved out of the doorway and let him in.

“What did you want to talk about Reagan?”

“No one saw you come up here, did they?”

“No. they didn’t. Is that what you’re worried about? Someone knowing that I’m in your room?”

“Of course not. Its just….”

“Zach. You can say his name. I’m a big boy.”

“I told Zach that he didn’t have to worry about you and I.” Monty scoffed, bitterly.

“Yeah. Nothing to worry about with us. Sure.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“If I was in his place, I would worry too.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean Montgomery?”

“Last month, you told me that we aren’t just friends. And you weren’t wrong. Because people who are just friends don’t look for each other in crowds. Or stop when other people are talking about them. The thing you forgot to mention is how unfair you were being to both of us.”

“I don’t do that.”

“Bullshit. I’ve seen it. And if I’ve seen it, so has Zach. He isn’t that oblivious.”

“Zach has a problem with our friendship.”

“Oh, so now you admit it. Least I got that out of you. Only took a month.”

“It makes him uncomfortable that we are so close. And I feel bad about it. I told you that already.”

“If you expect me to believe you care so much about how our friendship affects your boyfriend, then why did you call me about UNC as soon as you found out and not him? Why did you lie and cancel plans with him to spend time with me? Why is it that until a month ago, you flirted with just as much intensity as I did? Why did-.” I opened my mouth to stop him. “No. You don’t get to talk right now Reagan. It’s my turn to talk.” I closed my mouth and looked down. I was stunned and a little bit scared. He had never yelled at me like that before. “Why did you ask me to come get you when you got too drunk at a party on a college visit and not him? Even after you told me things had to change? Because I would love to hear you explain that.”

I was silent. I knew I couldn’t deny any of what he had said. We weren’t just friends. We didn’t know how to be friends. Or we never wanted to be. “Well?”

“I… you weren’t being fair to me either Monty. I’m not the only one at fault here. I wouldn’t have had to cancel on Zach if you hadn’t shown up to my house unannounced needing first aid. Again. You’re the one who started it with the flirting. As soon as you saw that I was moving on and could be happy with someone else, you fucking start flirting with me and talking to me like you had never stopped. Like you hadn’t broken my heart that day. And maybe I let it go on too long. Maybe I shouldn’t have reciprocated the flirting. But it made me feel good. And it was fun. Until it started having an impact on my actual relationship. With someone who is able to admit that he loves me. You want to stand here and talk to me about looking for someone in a crowd or stopping when people talk about them? What about when you drunk dialed me telling me that you love me? What about how anytime we are alone together you waste time leaving just so you don’t have to go? I’m not the only one at fault here. I asked you to stop flirting with me and you didn’t.”

“Is that phone call what did it?”

“I’m with someone who doesn’t have to be drunk to tell me that he loves me. And no. The call didn’t do anything. But it’s nice to know you remember it.”

“You want me to say it? I’m completely sober. You really want to hear me say it?”

“Yes.” I said loudly, exasperated.

“Easy. I love you.”

We were silent for a minute, finally aware of the tension in the air. I made the first move and kissed him. It was chaste at first. I was giving him a chance to take it back. When he didn’t pull away or stop it, I deepened the kiss. He wrapped his arms around me, picked me up, and placed me on the bed. His hands trailed down my body and played with the hem of my shirt. He sat on the bed beside me and pulled me on top of him. I straddled his waist and sat in his lap, slipping my hands under his t-shirt. When I traced his abs, he sucked in a breath. Everything with him felt so natural. So easy. I slipped my hands out from his shirt and pulled away from our kiss. He looked puzzled until I pulled off my shirt. I nodded at him and he pulled off his flannel. Next to go was his t-shirt. His pupils were blown. He was staring at me, not with hunger like I had expected, but in awe and admiration.

I kissed him again, but I quickly pulled away. I kissed down his neck, searching for the pulse point. We fell backwards in a mess of limbs and kisses on the plush hotel bed. His hands were on my hips instantly to steady me. I had found his pulse point and sucked at it harshly. There was sure to be a mark within the hour. I could feel him pulling at the waistband of my pyjama pants. “Yes.” I whispered in his ear. Monty pulled my bottoms down and off quickly. My underwear was still on and he snapped the waistband cheekily. “Bastard.” I said against his neck.

“You love it.” He moaned loudly when I bit his neck in response. I had to cover his mouth.

“Shhh. People could hear.”

“Screw people.”

With that, he flipped us over, so he was on top now. My hands went for his belt and I deftly undid it. My muscles still remembered the movements. The sound of the clinking metal as the hook hit the buckle. The way I had to tug a little harder to get it to come out of the loops because it stuck on the back one. Soon enough, his belt and jeans were strewn across the room along with the rest of our clothes. It was his turn to kiss me. He dragged his teeth against my bottom lip, pulling it slightly. I moaned lowly. His kisses traveled down my neck quickly. He always did prefer to leave marks on my collarbones and breasts. My neck was still fair game to him and he often left at least one mark on it at any given time. Just like he had so many times before so long ago, he left a clear bite mark on my décolleté. His attention was turned to my breasts then. He deftly unhooked my bra and pulled it off. It joined the ever-growing pile of clothes flung across the room.

The marks he left on my breasts were small in comparison to the one I had left on his neck. He is probably trying to hide them. I too, moaned loudly when he nipped my skin. He covered my mouth like I had done to him only moments before. The difference was that I grabbed his wrist in my hands like I was trying to hold onto him for dear life. I heard him chuckle and felt the stupid smirk against my chest. “Shhh. People could hear.” He mocked.

“Screw people.” He uncovered my mouth and pulled away for a moment. I gazed at him wantonly. I realized what he wanted a second later when he tried to both push and pull me further up the bed. Taking the hint, I shimmied my way up, so we had more room. Falling off the bed would certainly raise suspicion about what was happening in here.

Montgomery continued his journey down my body to my underwear. He stopped to place a gentle kiss to each of my hips. “Think you can keep quiet Kitten?” I melted at the nickname. I hadn’t heard it in so long.

“Yes.”

“Okay.” He pulled at the waistband of my underwear and they landed on the floor beside the bed. I sighed as he placed kisses to my pubic mound and my upper and inner thighs. Reaching down, I placed my hand on his hair. It felt so soft. Suddenly, he placed a kiss to my clit and my hips bucked. My fingers curled in his hair slightly. I moaned again, quietly this time, when he began to lap at my folds. My fingers curled in his hair more still. I couldn’t stop myself from tugging slightly. When he focused on sucking my clit I pulled on his hair. He moaned against my core and my body shook. When he added a finger or two to the mix, I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming. I had been secretly imagining this moment for the better part of a year. This felt so much better than I could have ever imagined. My orgasm began to build quickly. My walls started to flutter. Monty chuckled. He was well versed in my body’s reactions to stimuli. We both knew what was coming. His fingers thrust faster, and he stopped sucking my clit. Instead, he rubbed my clit harshly. I had to cover my mouth to keep from moaning too loudly. And then everything was bright and light for a second. I felt a, thankfully given our location, small trickle of liquid spill its way out of me. Monty gently slowed, and then stopped his thrusting and rubbing. I was panting and trying to catch my breath.

“Just give me a second.”

“Of course. Take your time.”

I looked down at him as he climbed up the bed. He settled beside me and reached down to palm at his hard dick. Once I had caught my breath, I shoved his hands out of the way and took over the palming. “You are so evil.” He grumbled.

“You love it.” I slipped my hand under the band of his boxer briefs. I hadn’t even touched his dick and he was bucking his hips already. He gasped when I brushed his dick with my fingertips lightly. I grasped it in my hand and stoked it. My movements were stilted by his underwear. After I took them off and dropped them next to my own underwear, there was much more real estate to work with. My hand was back to stroking right away. I was mostly just trying to bide time getting my energy back.

A little longer and my energy was back up to useful levels. So, I straddled his waist again and leaned in to kiss him. I wasn’t as conscious of my nakedness as I normally was. Our kiss was heated but I managed to pull away somehow. The trailing kisses down his chest made his breathing heavy. When I reached his cock, I licked a stripe from base to tip. I felt him tug at my ponytail holder. “I will never understand how this works.” I chuckled and reached up to pull my hair down. It fell in a cascade around my face. I tucked some behind my ear and repeated the same lick. The groan and hand that was winding its way in my hair told me all I needed to know. I smiled to myself before taking his cock in my mouth. I sucked slowly at first. I needed to take a few minutes to get used to the feeling. He removed his hand from my hair then, letting me do my thing. He put it back when I started to take more and more into my mouth and throat. I sighed softly when I managed to take it all. That last half inch was always iffy. His hand was wrapped up in my hair and holding it away from my face. I was surprised that he remembered not to tug when I started bobbing my head. Or maybe that wouldn’t be something a guy would forget. His hand traveled down to the base of my hair and rested against my skull. He started to buck his hips and I gagged slightly. Focusing on breathing through my nose, I kept my pace up. I knew he was holding back. I moaned around his cock and he cursed under his breath. I didn’t quite catch it. I stopped sucking to take a big breath of air.

Before I could resume my actions, Monty tugged on my hair. I looked up at him. There’s the hunger. He tugged on my hair again. He was trying to pull me up towards him without hurting me or being too demanding about it. I crawled forward towards the headboard. Kissing him again was the easiest choice I made this trip. I got lost in the feeling of his lips on mine and his tongue fighting mine for dominance. He took advantage of my distraction and rolled us over again. He always did like to be on top. “Do you have a condom anywhere?” he asked between kisses.

“I slipped one in the nightstand beside the Bible.” I breathed.

“You would put it beside the Bible.” He sat up and reached into the drawer, pulling out the blue foil packet. Once the condom was in place and the foil was discarded, he kissed me again. He was still kissing me when he adjusted our positions so he could enter me. My neck had always been a favourite spot to kiss. I gasped when I felt his cock enter me. It felt amazing. My body knew what to do instinctively as soon as he began thrusting. My hips were quickly able to match his pace. I gripped his biceps tightly, trying to convince myself that I wasn’t dreaming.

As his pace quickened, mine stilled. I was watching him. His brow was furrowed, focusing on this moment. I was pretty sure both of us weren’t sure if it would ever happen again. I reached up and brushed some hair that had fallen into his face away. Montgomery hit a particularly sensitive spot and my hand fell to his shoulder, squeezing and digging my nails into the skin. I moaned loudly and he kissed me to muffle it. “Shhh.” He cooed against my mouth. I whimpered. I felt my orgasm building again. It was coming on fast. My hips started to move on their own accord again. His thrusts started to falter, and I mewled. We were both on a rollercoaster that was speeding up to a stomach dropping fall. I covered my mouth so no one could hear the scream trying to jump from my throat. My eyes screwed shut tightly and my eyes rolled back in my head. The white light was so bright. As soon as my orgasm began to hit, so did Monty’s.

He pulled out of me quickly and discarded the used condom. All but falling over me, he rolled onto his back. We were both breathless. I was gasping for air. He was panting heavily. I rolled over onto my side, for some reason shy to cuddle up against him. It seemed silly to be concerned about that after what we had just done. But it felt like crossing a line. “Come here.” Monty pulled me closer to him.

“Are you sure we should be doing this? It doesn’t cross a line?”

“Reagan. We just had arguably the best sex of our lives and I told you I love you. I think we are way past being concerned about crossing lines.” I sighed, realizing he was probably right. Might as well get comfortable. “You need to go pee first.” I sighed again and excused myself. Back in bed, I curled up beside him again.

“We had to go and make everything complicated.”

“When has anything about us not been complicated?”

“I guess you’re right. Will you stay?” He checked his watch and thought for a minute.

“I can stay for a while if you want me to.”

“Yes please.”

I woke up the next morning alone with the blankets tucked around me tightly. There was a note on the pillow next to me written in Montgomery’s messy scrawl. I’ll be waiting. Remember that. I love you. I set the note in my lap and rubbed my face. I should check my phone. See if I missed anything important. Zach had texted me to say good night the night before, while I was… otherwise engaged. There was a text from Justin asking if I needed to talk. And Scott. He wanted to know if I knew where Monty was last night. Oh god. I forgot they were sharing a room. Oh shit. I need to face Zach now. Deciding it would be best to get it over with as soon as possible, I dragged my butt out of bed. I tucked Monty’s note in my suitcase while I got dressed.

When I looked in the mirror and saw the marks on my chest and neck, I rolled my eyes. I packed a heavy-duty concealer for my under eyes. I wasn’t planning on using it to cover hickeys that my ex-boyfriend left on me. Blending and layering took longer than expected but it was early enough that I was still done at a reasonable time. I had to leave my hair down though. Throwing on a pair of sneakers, I made my way to Zach and Justin’s room. I paused for a second when I passed Montgomery’s room. I shook my head. You can’t. Not while Zach is still a factor in the equation. I knocked on Zach’s door and he opened it shirtless. My eyes trailed down his body. I couldn’t stop the memories of last night from flooding back. “Good morning beautiful.”

“Morning Zachy. Can I come in?”

“Yeah. I’m just about ready.” I nodded and went to sit on his bed. Thankfully I wasn’t walking funny. When he was ready, we went downstairs hand in hand.

Monty was talking to Scott in the hotel lobby. I was shocked to see him awake and dressed at this time. The man likes his sleep. And we didn’t exactly get much last night. “Morning Scott. Monty.” Zach stopped to talk as we passed. I couldn’t look Monty in the eye.

“Morning lovebirds.” Scott replied.

“Zach. Reagan.”

“Morning.”

“No tea yet?”

“No.”

“I see. Long night?” I could hear the smirk in Monty’s voice. I hate you.

“I stayed up watching tv.” Zach began making small talk with the boys but I didn’t contribute anymore. I just wanted to get out of there and be alone with my boyfriend. Part of me hoped I could forget that last night ever happened. That didn’t stop me from thinking about it though. The longer they talked, the more I thought about it.

“Babe let’s go. Brunch is waiting.” I urged him to stop talking to Monty and Scott. Please don’t invite them.

“It’s not even eleven Rea. I don’t think it counts as brunch yet.” Scott laughed.

“Okay, then breakfast is waiting. Either way, I’m hungry and food that is far too calories dense to be considered a proper morning meal is waiting.”

“Did you guys want to come with?” My eyes widened. Did he just…? He did not just invite them with us.

“Uh.” Monty cleared his throat. “Are you sure you want to invite me?”

“Yeah. I mean, you and Reagan are friends. I’m going to have to get used to it somehow.”

“Why don’t we ask Reagan?” Monty turned and looked at me, raising an inquisitive brow.

“Um. I- uh.” I looked down, blushing. “I was kind of hoping we could go… just the two of us?” I asked Zach, raising my voice a couple of octaves.

“Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. I just thought…,” he paused and took my hand again, “of course we can go just us. I was just trying to be nice and make an effort.” He was looking at me so kindly that I had to look away. “Sorry guys.”

“Nah, no worries. Gotta get time with your girl.” Scott waved it off. He shot Monty a look that I didn’t like. It made me feel uneasy. Does he know? Before I could think too much into it, Zach was leading me outside.

Brunch was delicious. Zach was his usual slightly oblivious but in a cute way self. If he had any idea something was wrong, he didn’t let on. On our way back, we stopped to sit and look at the White House from a distance. “Why did you invite Monty and Scott to have brunch with us?”

“Well, I didn’t realize you wanted to go just the two of us.”

“That’s not what I meant. You don’t like Monty. So why invite him to hang out?”

“He’s your friend. As much as I don’t like it and I don’t like how he talks to you, he’s important to you. So, I’m willing to try to be nice to him.” Oh. Well now I feel like even more of an asshole.

“That… That’s really nice of you Zachy. Thank you.”

“No problem. What do you say we head back and watch a movie in your room?” He kissed my temple and stood, holding his hand out to me.

“My room? Could we maybe go back to yours? Mine is kind of messy. I had some trouble finding something to wear this morning.”

“Okay. I don’t think Justin is holing himself up in there today.”

Scott caught us when we got back to the hotel. “Hey! Can I steal Reagan for a few minutes? I need to ask her something about an assignment in Spanish.”

“Sure. We were just going to watch a movie.”

“O-okay.” I waved to Zach and trailed behind Scott to his and Monty’s shared room. “I’m hopeless at Spanish and you know it. What is this about?” Please tell me he doesn’t know.

“Are you going to tell Zach about last night?” Fuck.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“That’s crap. Are you going to tell him, or not? Because he deserves to know.”

“How do you know about it?”

“Monty didn’t come in until like two or three this morning. I hadn’t seen him for hours before that. When I saw him this morning, and the calling card you left on his neck, it wasn’t hard to put two and two together. The concealer on your neck just confirmed my suspicions. Just be thankful Zach is too oblivious to notice it.” I sighed, knowing he was right.

“I will. Just… not while we are still here. I don’t want to ruin anything. More than it already is anyway. Plus no one wants to deal with anyone getting arrested on a school trip.”

“Okay.”

“Is that all?” I turned to leave.

“Yeah. Actually, one more thing?” I stopped just short of the door. “Monty really does love you. And anyone with half a brain cell can see that you still love him. So, you deserve to be happy.”

“Thanks Scott.”

I spent the rest of the trip trying to avoid Montgomery and hold my tongue around Zach. I slept almost the whole flight back to California. School the next day dragged on. It continued to drag on for the next two weeks. Senioritis had set in hard now that we were done the D.C. trip. No one wanted to be there. We were graduating in a month. Most of us were going off to college. The last few weeks of school were basically pointless anyways. Even our teachers didn’t care as much. It was hard, but I managed to stay pretty cordial with Monty. I kept up appearances that everything was fine for most of the two weeks following the trip with Zach. On Friday I woke up and decided that it was time. I had to end things. I had to be fair to him. I had to take a chance and see if Monty and I could make things work this time. I texted Zach on my way to school. Meet me at the docks after school? The water is beautiful this time of year.

Sure.

I sat in my car for ten minutes after I arrived, trying to talk myself out of talking myself out of doing this. Zach wasn’t here yet so I got out of the car and walked around, trying to find a secluded bench where we could talk in private. I found the perfect one under a tree in the shade. It had an amazing view of the water. I snapped a selfie and sent it to him. Come and find me.

Zach snuck up and slid into the spot next to me. I jumped slightly. “Hey beautiful.”

“Hey.”

“I missed you today.”

“Yeah, I had some stuff to do. You know, last minute projects and final touches on assignments.”

“I know.” We sat quietly for a bit, just admiring the view. “You’re right. The water is beautiful this time of year.”

“Yeah.” I picked at my nails nervously. Just do it. “Listen, Zach….” I started.

“Yes?” He took my hand in his. I stared down at it.

“I- I think that…,” I paused. “I think that we need to break up.”

“What? Why?”

“I think it would be the best thing for us Zach.”

“Do you not love me anymore?”

“What? No, of course I do. It’s just… things are changing so fast.”

“Then why?”

“We are both going away to school next year and it will be too hard. I don’t want you to be tied down to someone on the other side or halfway across the country.”

“How do you know it will be too hard, Reagan?”

“Because. I’ve seen people try to make it work. We are eighteen Zach. We have our whole lives ahead of us. College is supposed to be the time where we experiment and make mistakes. To drink too many mixed drinks and wake up in someone else’s bed. I want you to experience that. And you can’t do that if you aren’t single.”

“We don’t leave for school for another two months at least though.”

“I don’t want us to wait until a week before we leave to decide that going into college single is the best choice.” Zach was silent for a while. I felt so bad. It needed to be done though.

“I guess you’re right.”  I smiled sadly at him. “You’ll always be special to me, you know that?”

“I know. You’ll always be special to me too.” I squeezed his hand and he kissed me softly for the last time. Knowing he would need time to sit and process, I was the one who stood and left him on the bench.

In my car before driving away from the docks and Zach, I sent a text message. Four words. Eleven letters. I hoped he would know what it meant. I love you too. The weight of hitting send was unimaginable. I had spent so long denying it, that I didn’t know how to feel about it. I guess I would just have to wait and see what the future held.

[karanna1]

AU - Lena Luthor Saves Krypton

Lena is somehow sent back in time and finds herself on Krypton 30 years before the planet explodes. Kara doesn’t exist yet. Krypton has no idea what’s about to happen to them.

Lena realizes that with her knowledge of what’s to come and intellect to devise a solution, she can do two things. One, she can save an entire species from near extinction. Two, she can save Kara from ever having to experience the pain of losing her family, her home, and being abandoned. Kara could live a happy life and never know the burden of Supergirl or being the last daughter of Krypton.

So instead of trying to find a way back to Earth, back to her own time, she settles into life on Krypton, becomes fluent in Kryptonese, and sets about with a spectacularly single-minded focus of changing the future - to save this dying world (and Kara).

She succeeds...mostly. They can’t fix the damage that’s already been done to the planet. Their sun will die and destroy Krypton still, but with Lena’s help they’re able to locate a barren planet in another system that has a white star. It’s brand new, strong, and will live for untold trillions of years (provided Kryptonians didn’t try to harness its power again).

They terraform the planet and create “New Krypton” using the dome concept that Zor-El invented fused with Coluan bottling technology. All Kryptonians are instantly transported to their new home that’s identical to the old one save for one difference - the white sun grants them god-like powers that are beyond what Lena ever saw Kara and Clark capable of on Earth. Kryptonians are overwhelmed en masse by these powers. Some go power mad and attempt coups and form radical sects. Others realize the gift they’ve been given and, with Lena’s guidance, Kryptonian society develops under a new mission - to travel the galaxy and offer help to all those in need. Not just offering knowledge and technology this time, but themselves with their newfound powers.

Lena keeps her distance from the House of El as much as she can. It’s nearly impossible considering their standing with the Kryptonian High Council. Lena has to work very closely with the Council. Jor-El and his brother, Zor-El, are brilliant scientists and statesmen. Alura In-Ze is a rising star in the judicial system. Her marriage to Zor-El, second born son of the House of El, caused quite a few waves, but when Lara Lor-Van, a brilliant biologist and prominent noble of the House of Van, agrees to marry Jor-El, it’s all anyone can talk about. All 4 of them live very public lives due to their professions, their positions on the High Council, and their nobility.

They’re ever so fascinated by Lena Luthor, the human from Earth that appeared one day to save their entire planet. Their savior. The one their people have named “The New Dawn”. Lena wants nothing to do with the House of El. It’s too much. She can’t bear to be so close to Kara’s family without Kara. It feels wrong. Unfortunately, with how much Lena tries to avoid them, the 4 nobles think they’ve done something to offend her, and constantly attempt ways to make amends. It only makes Lena’s life that much more difficult.

But she still knows the exact date and time that Kara Zor-El steps into existence. Later, she will know the moment Kal-El is born (mostly because Lara’s natural birth is all anyone can talk about).

Lena meets Kara on New Krypton entirely by accident one day when Zor-El brings his brilliant young daughter, a prodigy in the Science Guild, to see Krypton’s finest laboratory entirely unannounced. The same laboratory that Lena founded and runs. She’s stricken, having tried to avoid this moment for as long as she could, knowing that eventually she’d have to see Kara as child, which would spell the end of every fanciful dream or slightest hope she had of a chance that someday she would find Kara, her best friend, again. Seeing the reality both warms her heart and breaks it all the same. This bouncing bundle of joy and inquisitiveness has the same blinding smile, in all its purity, with that same head of golden hair.

“You’re THE Lena Luthor?”

She kneels before her so they’re at eye level. “I suppose I am. And you’re THE Kara Zor-El?”

The ten year old gasps. “You know who I am?”

“Of course. I know all the important people. And you are a very important person, Kara.”

“I am?”

Zor-El interjects. “I’ve told Lena all about you, my dear. I’m sure she’s grown tired of my endless babbling about my wonderful daughter and her keen scientific mind.”

“Not at all,” Lena replies a bit flatly and tries to tune him out as she focuses on the young girl who will one day be a most extraordinary woman. “Do you enjoy the Science Guild, Kara?”

“Yes! I love to learn new things. As many things as I can! Sometimes father asks me to work with him in his laboratory at home and I help him with his projects!”

“That does sound like fun. I enjoy creating things as well.”

“You’re the most brilliant bio-engineer on Krypton! I’ve read all about you! You saved us.”

Lena shies away from the praise and instead fumbles her way forward, uncomfortable under the scrutiny of Zor-El, whom she’d never given the time of day until he walked in with his daughter.

“Tell me, Kara, do you like other subjects besides science?”

Kara fidgets, a little confused. “Well, I don’t...they don’t give you much time for other subjects. I-I do try to read about other things like art and history when I have free time, but I’m not really allowed—“

“She’s a hard worker and a wonderful student,” Zor-El interrupts again.

Lena ignores him. “Do you enjoy writing, Kara?”

“Writing?”

“Creation comes in many forms. I enjoy being able to create things with my hands. Machines. Technology. Things to help people. Science is my passion, but there are many other ways to help people. Ways that I’m not very good at, but others are. Writing takes a curious mind, creativity, and a way with words. I believe you might have a gift for that.”

“A gift for words?” Her little brow crinkles as she considers it.

Lena nods. “A writer can do a great many things that a scientist cannot. They are equally as powerful and important. What matters is doing what you love most, what inspires you most. You’re going to do great things one day, Kara. Maybe with the Science Guild, maybe with something else... The future is limitless for you.”

“You really think I could be that important someday?”

“You already are.” Lena smiles and breathes deeply. “Do you know what your name means where I come from?”

She shakes her head. “I have read about Earth. It’s very far away and my Aunt Astra says their civilization is primitive and filled with savages. They have my name there too?”

“Daughter, do not speak—“

Lena waves off Zor-El’s warning without looking at him.

“That’s not an unfair assessment of Earth compared to Krypton, but I do believe humanity would surprise a great many Kryptonians, including your Aunt. In my native language, Kara means ‘beloved friend’.”

Kara beams in a way that is so achingly familiar. It’s like an echo in Lena’s memory. Not exact, not complete, but the beginning of what it will become.

“I like that. Does that mean I’m your friend?”

Lena feels it in that moment. The melting warmth simultaneous with the absolute shattering of what was left of her heart.

“I will always be your friend, darling. Always.”

Kara leaves with her father and Lena’s coworkers are concerned when she goes off planet for an impromptu holiday without notice. She returns two months later and picks up as if she never left.

It’s around that time that one of the people she’s befriended in her years on Krypton remarks at how ageless she seems for a human that supposedly has a short life span. It sparks Lena’s curiosity. Indeed, it’s been nearly 30 years since she traveled back in time and found herself on a new planet. Yet you’d be hard pressed to find a single physical difference. Kryptonians aged slowly under a red star, and even slower still under the white star, but Lena was human. Her body wasn’t designed to accommodate solar radiation the way Kryptonians did. She was over 50 years old now, yet she still didn’t look a day over 28.

More years pass and New Krypton thrives. The galaxy is brought together through New Krypton’s diplomacy and thousands of planets and species are united under a banner of peace. There are always dissenters, but happiness and prosperity is widespread. Lena finds joy in friendships and attempts romantic relationships, but nothing ever really takes. Still, she’s content. She misses Earth, of course, and hopes to return one day before she dies, whenever that will be, but she’s found peace in knowing that she is able to be the one thing she’s always wanted - a force for good.

She’s at dinner with coworkers one night when Lara and Jor-El spot her. She sighs and straightens, preparing for their next attempt to get in her good graces.

“Do they never desist?” One of them mutters next to her ear. “Surely they’re intelligent enough to know when they’re not wanted?”

“Don’t be unkind, but help me keep it short if it goes on too long.”

“Lena! It’s wonderful to see you,” Lara says.

“You as well. How are you?”

“Very well, thank you.”

Lena’s table has gone conspicuously, and therefore awkwardly, silent.

Lara and Jor-El look around at the group uncomfortably.

“We were wondering...well, our niece is being inducted to the—“

“The Science Council as First Order,” Lena finishes for her. “Yes, I’m aware. It’s a great honor. I’m sure the House of El is quite proud.”

“Indeed we are,” Jor-El jumps in. “She’s a most remarkable young woman and we couldn’t be prouder of who she’s become.”

“We are holding a celebration to mark the occasion and were wondering if you might honor us by attending? It will be quite the event.” Lara does a slight eyeroll. “Jor is insisting on all the fantastical things.”

Jor-El nods enthusiastically. “My brother isn’t one for celebrations so I’ve taken up the mantle. Kara deserves all the praise she’s earned with her hard work and dedication.”

“You’ll have to forgive my mate’s enthusiasm. He’s quite invested in Kara since she can share his passion for his life’s work while our son is—“

“Disgustingly hopeless,” Jor-El grumbles.

“Oh?” She raises an eyebrow. “A great disappointment he’s been then?”

“Goodness no!” Lara shakes her head and shoots a warning look at her husband. “Kal is a fine boy. Just...a little lost.”

“Perhaps he is simply in need of a different path than the one his father has in mind,” Lena finds the words tumbling out of her mouth without thinking twice. The couple stares at her agape, but she continues without care. “I can certainly sympathize with the need to step out of the shadow of a family’s overbearing legacy.” She sighs. “While I thank you for considering me, it’s simply not possible with my days usually booked from dawn to dusk. Besides, parties have never been altogether pleasant endeavors for me.”

The disappointment on their faces isn’t what changes her mind. It’s that as soon as she says the words, she regrets it. She’s, of course, kept up with Kara’s doings and was concerned when she heard about the recent move in the Science Guild. Was journalism just a secondary passion since she couldn’t truly use her mind on Earth the way she could on Krypton? Or was this a woman just following in her family’s footsteps because she believed it was the right thing to do? Lena hadn’t seen or spoken to Kara in 16 years. Not since the day Zor-El brought her to the lab.

In the end, it’s Lena’s concern and curiosity for Kara’s well being that wins out. Though she very well knows that the woman that existed in another life, on another planet, is not the woman who lives here now on New Krypton. Even if she shared the same name and the same face...maybe even the same bright eyes and sunny smile. Even then.

“Send me the invitation. I’ll see what I can do,” Lena says, to the surprise of everyone at her table, including the two standing next to it.

They nod, stunned but pleased, and say their goodbyes quickly, walking away.

Lena’s coworkers all turn to her in surprise, but she refuses to answer their questions and excuses herself early for the evening.

She doesn’t show for the celebration. She torments herself for a week coming up to it and can’t bring herself to go. The fear of the past and her memories being trod upon are too strong. But somehow she finds herself in the Starling Grove anyway, just as it comes to an end. The evening is late and guests slowly make their exit after the long day of partying. Lena practically sneaks in, staying in shadows, not knowing what she hopes to find or what she could see that would make all her fears come true.

Is it any wonder that fate would intervene? That there would be no circumstance in which Lena could fly so close to the sun and not be touched?

“If avoiding people is your specialty, you’re very skilled at it.”

It’s almost terrifying to hear her voice again. It’s a different language being spoken, but the voice is the same. As if it’d been snatched from the deepest recesses of Lena’s memories, of a different life and a different world, and brought to the present in flesh and blood with a bolt of lightning.

She turns and it’s Kara smiling at her. Not the sunny smile. The soft, tender, reassuring one. The one that she used to share with Lena when she had one of her harder days. Kara was no longer the small and precocious child she met all those years ago, the one that she could almost convince herself was a complete stranger and that there was no connection between the child and the woman she knew. But that was gone now. The Kara standing before her was the same one she’d left behind on Earth. The one she’d given up in order to save her. The one who walked into her office so many years ago, trailing behind her cousin, and Lena knew she was done for. 

Her eyes were so blue as she looked at her...bluer than Lena remembered and it seemed so impossible. Perhaps it wasn’t real. Perhaps she was dreaming. But she wasn’t...was she?

“My skills must be rusty since you were able to catch me.”

Kara put a finger to her smiling lips. “Shh. Finding people is one of my untold gifts.”

“I imagine you have a lot of those.”

Kara looks pleasantly flustered and she stammers over her words in a way that Lena knows so well that the sound of it squeezes her heart in a vise like grip.

She’s not the same person. She’s not your Kara. Your Kara doesn’t exist anymore. Over and over she repeats this in her head.

“Wait...” Kara finally collects herself and peers at Lena more closely. “You’re-you’re Lena Luthor! My Uncle said you might be here, but I never thought...”

“On my home world, they like to say it’s fashionable to be late. However, tonight was just a tad bit too far. I...I simply wanted to stop by and wish you well. A-and to congratulate you on your achievement.”

Did she manage to say that with any passing conviction?

“Thank you. That means a great deal coming from someone like you.”

“Are you happy?” She blurts before her good sense can kick in. “This life...does it make you happy?”

Kara looks at her oddly for a long moment, clearly thrown, but not put off. Lena doesn’t know what else to say that could fix her blunder. 

“Yes,” she says, a serene smile creeps across her face. “I’m very happy. I love my family and my friends. I enjoy my work. I hope to have a family of my own one day, but I don’t mind waiting for the right person. Everyone always wants to rush me into something, telling me that I shouldn’t be alone, but I don’t mind it. When it’s right, I know that it will be worth the wait.”

Lena’s heart stutters and freezes. “I-I’m glad to hear that. Truly. I shouldn’t take up anymore of your time though. I’m sure you have somewhere to be and it’s late so I really should be going anyway.”

“Oh! Um. Yes, of course.” She looks disappointed, but Lena can’t think about that. “Thank you for being here.”

Her legs feel as though they’re weighted with cement as she walks away. Her mind screams at her to run, but her body doesn’t seem to get the message. She doesn’t want to leave Kara’s side. Not like this. Not after she’s found her again.

But it’s not her. Not really.

“My Lady?”

She turns around at once. Kara stands there, fiddling with her hands, her head tilted to the side.

“Apologies. I-I remember reading that you never liked that title. You prefer...what was it...” She closes her eyes as she searches for it. “Oh!” Her eyes fly open again. “Miss Luthor. I should have addressed you as ‘Miss Luthor’, yes?”

The ‘Miss’ was heavily accented and sounded nothing like how she used to say it, but it still tore Lena apart.

“I never forgot what you said.”

The voice in Lena’s head screams again for her to run, but instead she draws closer. She needs to hear it. 

Her Kara.

No, it’s not her.

“What did I say?”

“I was a little girl. My father brought me to your lab to show me around.”

“I remember.”

Don’t let her do this. Don’t let her pull you in again. You can’t. For both of your sakes, you can’t.

“You talked about different ways of creating. Of passion. It’s silly, I know, and I’m sure you say it to all the children who read about you in school and have a serious case of hero worship, but...you told me I was important.”

“You are.” 

It’s a reflex. She can’t help it.

“And you said that I had a gift for words. I never understood why you would say that. How you could know...”

Lena chuckles awkwardly. “Looks like I was off the mark since you’ve just joined the Science Council.”

“But you weren’t.”

Lena’s breath hitches.

“I’ve never told anyone else this...” 

Kara steps closer, sharing a secret that Lena doesn’t know she deserves to hear. She wonders if she still knows how to breathe with Kara being this close after so long...so many years gone... 

“I started writing that day. That very night I went home and I tried it. I never stopped. I’ve never been happier than when I’m writing. Imagining stories or just writing my thoughts, putting memories into words, keeping a record of each day and what I’ve done, who I’ve seen, what my first thought is in the morning and my last thought at night. All of it.”

Kara was so close. She could smell her. Nothing like what she remembered. It was something altogether new and still...still... Lena’s heart beat so loudly, she was sure every Kryptonian within miles was wondering what that raucous drumming noise was. What must Kara think? Surely she could hear it. Lena was embarrassing herself.

“You inspired me.”

Lena doesn’t know how she manages it, but she somehow strings together coherent words. 

“But you continued to pursue...”

“The Science Guild, yes. I’m very good there. It comes easily. It makes my family proud.”

“It’s not your passion though.”

Kara shakes her head gently.

“What stops you?”

“Well, what if I’m not really good at writing after all? I’ve never told anyone about it. I’ve never let them read anything... What if I make a terrible mistake and humiliate myself and my family?”

“Following your heart isn’t a mistake.”

“That’s not a very Kryptonian sentiment.”

“No, but it is a human one.” Lena sighs. “I tried so hard, for so long, not to listen to mine. But it won out every time. Despite all the pain it brought me...I remind myself that it’s what brought me here. To this planet. To this time. To do good. To be good. Following your heart is the most terrifying notion, but in my experience, it has also led me to the greatest moments of joy and love that I’ve ever known.”

Kara stares at her in wonderment. Her long blonde locks flow over her shoulders. Her dress is white and flowing, almost luminescent under the glow of the evening flowers blooming in the garden. It became quickly apparent how very alone they were, the last guests and servers from the party were gone. The torches were still lit, but it was their own world.

Wasn’t it always?

It’s not her.

“I don’t think I could be as brave as you.”

“You have always been brave and I know that you are capable of the most extraordinary amount of courage...courage and boundless hope. You are the one who inspires me, Kara. You always have.”

“Me?” She replies in the softest utterance. “But I haven’t done anything nearly as incredible as you.”

“The kind of person you are is far more important than any sum of career achievements. Don’t let fear make you hide in the shadows, Kara. Step into the sun. You’ve always belonged there.”

“What about you?”

“Me?”

“When will you step out of the shadows, Miss Luthor?”

A voice calls for Kara in the distance. It’s jarring and breaks the spell that seemed to lock them together in time suspended.

They step away, now acutely aware of how close they’d been this whole time.

Kara blushes and opens her mouth to say something, but Lena can’t bear to hear it.

“Goodnight, Kara Zor-El. I hope you enjoyed your party.”

Another voice joins the first. Two people are calling for her now. Kara seems frustrated and turns back, yelling to them that she’d be there soon.

She turns back. “I—“

But Lena’s gone.

She leaves New Krypton again. Journeys to other planets under the guise of a holiday and scientific exploration. She wonders if now is the time to return to Earth. She can’t even call it home anymore, but it’s home...isn’t it? 45 years could be enough to make New Krypton home and maybe it was. Maybe it was more of a home than Earth. But New Krypton had spectres walking among the living. Lena’s past had caught up to her here as well. She was no longer alone. Would Earth be any better with a reminder at every street corner? A certain smell. A park bench. A pair of glasses. Food. All of the food on Earth. She would never truly escape there either. It has to be a different planet. Not New Krypton, not Earth, something else entirely. 

She searches across galaxies for it. Finally, one appeals to her. She can see herself settling down there. She can make a new life for herself...again. She returns to Krypton with determination. She resigns from her position, ignores the High Council’s pleas, ignores their more pointed demands, and even their attempted orders when it appeared that nothing else was working. She packs her things and bids farewell to her friends. They’ll visit now and again, but soon she won’t be seeing them at all. It doesn’t bother her all that much. She’d find replacements eventually. No one had ever been like... Well, she’d never let anyone get close enough to try.

She was walking out of her building for the last time, her luggage already sent ahead, and was headed to the transport when she heard her voice again on the wind, calling her name. Of course she would hear her now. This was exactly why she needed to leave this place. The sooner the better to end this torment.

The transport doors were nearly closed when a hand shot between them. The metal alloys were crushed in a powerful grip and the doors were jerkily pried open again.

Kara stood in front of her. Her hair windswept, almost what it used to look like when she would fly to Lena at breaking speed to rescue her. Did she fly here? Was she really here?

“Kara?”

“Lena, don’t go.”

“What are y—?”

“That’s government property!” someone shouts at Kara from further away. 

A Kelex zooms in beside her. “And you were flying within city limits which is strictly prohibited. Unfortunately, Lady Kara, this means we must place you under arrest.”

A patrolman, the one who shouted, walks up behind Kara, nodding his head in agreement.

“Arrest?” She rolls her eyes at the Kelex and turns to the patrolman. “The doors were an accident and sorry about the flying thing. I’ll pay the fines. I doubt Alura In-Ze will take kindly to you dragging someone in for petty infarctions, let alone that someone being her daughter.”

Lena finds herself walking out of the transport, entirely of her own volition, and watches it leave without her. Kara is arguing with the patrolman over what her fines should be, but suddenly Lena feels someone take her hand. She looks down and sees that indeed there is another hand holding hers. She drags her gaze up to find those blue eyes again. A ghost. A spectre. Everything she was trying to escape.

“I’m sorry to just...burst in on you like this. But you’ve been gone for months and I only just heard that you’d come back, planning to leave New Krypton for good. I didn’t...”

“You didn’t what?”

“I don’t know.” Her brow furrows in frustration. “I didn’t plan this. I just...when I heard, I felt like I had to stop you.”

Lena pulls her hand away and crosses her arms. She needs to get ahold of herself. This was all so out of control.

“Why?”

Kara is just as bewildered as she is. “Well, I...I’m not sure. But we’ve only just started.”

“What?”

“Don’t you feel it? I know you must.”

She swallows thickly. “Kara, I...”

“I think there’s a lot you haven’t told me. A lot that I hope you will tell me. You promised me once that you would always be my friend. Please, Lena. We both know that this...it’s not supposed to end here.”

“When is it supposed to end?”

“I hope not for very long time.”

“I’ve lived a lifetime already.”

Kara grins. “Then what’s one more? Should be easy if you’ve already done it.”

Lena shakes her head. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“Somehow I do...and I don’t. I know it’s strange. I know what I sound like. But I think you understand. Don’t you?”

“Kara...”

“Are you hungry?” She interrupts. “I’m famished. The flying thing is really fun, but I always get so hungry after. How about it?”

“I’m supposed to be boarding a ship in 20 minutes.”

“We can eat fast!”

“I know you can eat fast, that’s not the point,” she mutters. “I have to go.”

“But you see? You say things like that. Like it’s normal to just know these things about me, but it’s not. How do you know? We’ve only met twice and both times it feels as though you know everything about me.”

“Everything?” She scoffs. “No. Never.”

“Well, the important things anyway.”

Lena falters.

“Please? Just...for a little while? There’s always another ship if you really must go.”

No.

No, I’ve been through this before. I saved you. I saved your people. You’re happy. I don’t belong here. I’ve never belonged. This is your world. I don’t belong anywhere. I did what was right. I helped people. I still help people. But I won’t do this again.

“I’m pretty sure you know that a Kryptonian can tell when you’re lying. The white star brought us untold abilities. And the longer I’ve lived here, under this new sun, I’ve discovered more abilities. Would you like to know about them?”

Lena can only stare.

“If I’m close enough...and I concentrate hard enough...I can feel what you’re feeling. It’s not mind reading exactly, but something deeper. I can feel you right now.” She swallows hard. “What have I done to cause you such pain, Lena? I never thought that... If you have to go, I won’t stop you. I just thought...” She sighs defeatedly. “I don’t know what I thought. But it wasn’t this. It wasn’t pain. Or anger. Or betrayal.”

Lena’s eyes widen at the same time as Kara’s. She seemed to realize it only as she spoke the word aloud.

“Betrayal?” Kara whispers, half to herself. “I don’t understand.”

“There’s nothing to understand.”

“You’re lying.”

“Stop it.”

“I can’t! Tell me what’s happening. How can you be so angry with me, but also feel...like this...when we don’t even know each other?”

“But we do.” 

At last she admits it. 

In the quietest whisper. 

“We did. Once. In another life.”

Kara nods slowly. “Where?”

“On Earth.”

“I’ve never been to Earth.”

“Not in this time. But in another...you were Earth’s Champion. Our Protector. The Paragon of Hope.”

“As you are the Protector of Krypton? Our Salvation. The New Dawn.”

Lena shrinks uncomfortably under the titles.

“Will you tell me more?”

“You believe me?”

“Of course I do. You’re Lena Luthor. Also, with my powers I can sense you’re telling the truth, so...” She shrugs lightly at that, a sheepish smile.

“Right. Well, I admit I’m still a bit resentful that after everything I’ve been through, I still didn’t get even a hint of those powers.”

Kara takes her hand again, tentatively this time. She probably thinks Lena will pull away.

She doesn’t.

“There’s been a rumor for ages that you’re immortal. Are you saying that’s not true? From what I’ve read, humans have a shorter life span than us. Your species only live about 85 years or so.”

“I’ve heard the rumor and, yes, the average human lifespan is shorter than a Kryptonian’s.”

“You look pretty darn good for your age if you’re preparing to join Rao in a few cycles.”

Lena has to laugh. She lets Kara lead her away from the platform and down to the street. They walk hand in hand.

“So you’re not immortal?”

“It remains to be seen.”

“Then maybe our white sun did give you a hint of something after all.”

“Maybe. I have yet to ascertain the cause.”

“I could help you with your study, should you choose to explore it further.”

“You want to study me?”

Kara blushes. “I...I didn’t mean it like that. I only meant—“

“I know what you meant.”

Silence falls between them.

“You’re still holding my hand.”

“You’re still letting me.”

“It’s strange.” She stares. “You’re different. You’re so different than you were before, a completely different person, but somehow...when I look at you, you’re exactly who you’ve always been.”

“Are you different now too?”

“Yes.” She shrugs. “I think so anyway.”

“But we’ve still found each other. That means something.”

“Are you sure you want to hear this? You might be angry with me. I...I made choices that changed your life. A great number of lives.”

“I want to hear everything. But even if I do get angry, I won’t leave. I promise.”

Lena starts at that. How could she know exactly—? The realization hits her. 

“My fears...you feel them right now, don’t you?”

Kara nods. “I won’t betray you, Lena. Whatever mistakes I’ve made before...in that other life...I won’t make them again.”

“You’ll make other mistakes.”

“Of course!” She laughs. “I’m gifted, but hardly perfect. You’ll make mistakes too, even if you are the Great New Dawn.”

“Two prodigies...” Lena raises an eyebrow. “I don’t know how people stand us. We must be insufferable to be around.”

“I can’t be held accountable for the jealousy of others.”

Lena chuckles. “Good to know you’re as competitive as ever.”

“And you? Are you competitive as well?”

“On occasion...when it comes to the right things.”

Kara grins. “Tell me more about Earth.”

“Earth or...you on Earth?”

“Both. Or just one. Whatever you like. We have all the time we need. We’ll get to it eventually.”

“Kara?”

“Yes?”

“What do you want?”

“You.”

“How do you know that?”

“I just do.”

“You’re not afraid?”

“Of losing you? Yes, I’m afraid. I thought I did when you left me in the Grove that night.”

“It’s different this time though.”

“Different how?”

“You were afraid before. O-on Earth. So you lied to me. Hid things from me. You were afraid I’d reject you.”

“So I lost you anyway?”

“For a while.”

“I know who I am and I want to share all of that with you. I’m afraid I’ll lose you if I don’t. Do you think that means I learned my lesson with a second chance?”

“Even though you don’t remember the first?”

Kara tilts her head thoughtfully.  “Are you familiar with the theological concept of reincarnation?”

Lena nods.

“Many species and cultures detail it differently, but the belief that a soul does not reside in an afterlife fascinates me. The idea that one could instead be reborn and is destined to learn new lessons with each life that it failed to learn in the last. Maybe we found a way to do that without needing to die at all.”

“Are you sure you’re the First Order of the Science Council? Because that sounds an awful lot like preaching I’ve heard from the Religious Guild. You’re in the wrong profession.”

Kara rolls her eyes. “If anything, I should have joined the Artisans. But it’s too late for that.”

Lena’s quiet for a moment. They’re walking along streets she’s never seen before and doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter.

“I think I’m learning...” she says softly, “that it’s never too late. If you want something enough, it’s never too late.”

“I hope you’re right.”

Lena looks around. “Do you know where you’re going?”

“No, I thought you did.”

“No. I guess we’re lost then.”

Kara shrugs with a charming, sunny smile that lights her whole face. It’s the one that Lena hasn’t seen in over 40 years and it takes her breath away.

“Oh well.” Kara squeezes Lena’s hand happily. “I suppose we’ll find our way together.”

[ultralovedeluxe]

Yandere! Jotaro Kujo with prompts #25 and #31

Hey everyone this was requested by  @mirroredmovements. I struggled with which Jotaro you meant, but I ended up settling with Stardust Jotaro (I hope that’s okay!). I also added an additional prompt, just for fun ^^

‘Why won’t you talk to me anymore?’

‘You’re the only one who understands me’

Warnings: 18 year old Jotaro, kind of au?, yandere behavior, mentions of violence, implied nsfw.

   The definition of loneliness is the state of being alone, and feeling sad about it.

   However, why is Kujo Jotaro experiencing this emotion of all people? He has nothing to be upset about. He’s financially stable, has a caring mother, and most importantly he does have friends (although only one of them is closer to his age range). So why is he feeling this way?

 He could always try to make new friends, but he’s already feared amongst his school (and the fact he dislikes people isn’t helping much either). He couldn’t meet new people, even if he wanted to. The male students would probably only want to be friends with him because of his status, and the females, well they already annoy him as fan-girls, having them as friends would be worse.

 That is, until Kakyoin introduces you to him.

--

   “Good afternoon Jotaro, how was class?” the fellow red-headed stand user asked. “I didn’t go to class today..” the taller male replied, his eyes going directly towards the person next to Kakyoin. He’d never seen you around before, were you a new student or something, because if you were he didn’t have time to show you around. Kakyoin sighed, “I thought we talked about this before Jotaro, it’s important for you to go to class and..”, Kakyoin noticed Jotaro staring at you; and to be completely honest his stare was starting to freak you out a bit. Kakyoin coughed and placed a hand on your shoulder, “Jotaro this is [first]-chan, I met her in art class a few weeks ago, and I wanted you two to meet”.

  “Nice to meet you Kujo-san, I hope we become good friends” you smiled, sticking your hand out to greet him. Jotaro stared at you for a bit and then looked at your hand, “Nice to meet you too I guess..” he said walking away from the two of you without looking back. He trusted Kakyoin’s judgement of people, but at the moment he didn’t want to waste his time here. 

  “I think that went well, usually he doesn’t even greet the other person at all..” Kakyoin whispered as he began to walk the opposite direction. You began to follow him, “I guess. Do you think I made a good first impression? He doesn’t look like he likes people very much..” you admitted while giving your hands a firm squeeze. “Don’t worry, I’m sure you two will get along..”

--

 Jotaro didn’t expect to become friends with you, let alone be good friends with you. When he first met you, he found you to be kind of annoying. He didn’t want to waste his time with you. Just because you were a friend of Kakyoin’s, didn’t mean he considered you a friend. But for some reason, he found himself growing attached to you. It was odd for him to be open with his feelings about things, but whenever he was with you it never felt that way. Whenever he’d talk with you or open up about things, you would just look at him and listen, without judging him at all. 

 You occasionally gave him advice, but most of the time you’d listen to what he had to say. From his thoughts about becoming a marine biologist one day, and anything really, you’d be there to listen.

 This warmed Jotaro’s heart to the core, and he found himself falling for you. He really didn’t expect it, but he welcomed this feeling regardless. He’d tell you eventually, but now was not the time.

“Jotaro-kun!"

 Even your voice had become music to Jotaro’s ears. He always prefered hanging out with quiet people, however you became an exeption. He began to look forward to hearing your voice. 

 Jotaro hummed in response, looking over to see your face. You gave him a small smile in return, “Look what I brought you! I remember you said you didn’t have any marine biology books at home, so I went to buy you one!” you grinned handing the tall male the book. Jotaro took the book and lowered his hat to cover the smile forming on his face. “Yare yare [first], you didn’t have to, I could’ve just gone to the library”

 “But I wanted to! Besides, checking out a book isn’t the same as owning one now is it?” you replied, sitting down on the grass to take a small break. Jotaro huffed, “Jeez woman, it seems you’re the only one who gets me. You understand me y’know?”. You only smiled back and lightly punched his shoulder, “Wow Jojo, you’re really sweet. Didn’t think I’d hear those words from you..”

 That was the first time you had used his nickname. Jotaro would be lying if he said he didn’t feel a chill go up his spine (in a good way of course). Unfortunately, these warm, fuzzy feeling vanished too soon.

 “Ah Jojo, do you know what time is it?” you asked, almost frantacally so. The taller male wondered how you manged to freak out so suddently, “It should be around 4:30..”

 “4:30? I’m late for my date! I hope he’s still waiting for me..” you said packing your bags in a hurry, ignoring Jotaro’s precense. “You’re going on a date? Who’s the lucky man?” Jotaro asked, trying his best not to just storm off in rage and jealousy. You just looked up at him, so innocently, like nothing you had said hurt him in the slightest, “Yeah a date with Ishii Yuuto. I haven’t met him, but he is really cute..Wish me luck Jojo-kun!” and with that you had already left.  A date? You had a date? With someone who wasn’t him? Someone had already captured your heart and asked you out? He wanted to be happy for you, he wanted to support you, just like how you are supportive of him. But he can’t, and the feeling is eating him from the inside. 

 It could’ve been you and him on that date. But maybe, just maybe, he could still go on a date with you after all. And he felt more of his patience chip away..

--

 The small cafe your classmate chose was adorable and pleasing to see. The warm colors greeted you nicely, and you had heard from a friend that this cafe serves some of the best sweets in Japan. Although you had never met Yuuto, you were exited that someone had invited you to a place like this, let alone being invited to a nice place by someone you found attractive. Then again, it seemed like it was too good to be true. You had been in a rush all day. You managed to go to a book store and buy a book for Jotaro, go back to school to meet Jotaro, and then go to this cafe. But your date didn’t seem to even be here. 

 “Great. This is fine” you mumbled to yourself as you paid for your drink. How upsetting, you actually thought Yuuto was a nice guy, guess he turned out to be the comeplete opposite of what you originally thought. 

 Walking out of the cute atmosphere from the cafe, you were met with an unfortunate sight. Not far from the cafe, was Jotaro standing over from what seemed to be Yuuto, but he was covered in bruises. You let out a small whimper, but quickly covered your mouth. Once Jotaro’s eyes met yours, you couldn’t stand being in his sight no longer. You started to run home, it wasn’t that far anyway, your parents were most likely home, you would be safe and sound; you just needed to run a little faster.

 ‘Was that really Jotaro?’ you thought finally reaching your home in time. There was no doubt about it. That man that stood above Yuuto was indeed Jotaro. You just wished this was all a dream, that it wasn’t true, but there was no denying what you saw was true.

.

.

.

 Jotaro watched you run, letting out a small ‘tch’ while kicking the unconscious body of Yuuto. He didn’t kill him (but he was on the verge of), he just injured him a bit, that’s all. Deep down, Jotaro was dissapointed in himself, but at the same time, he only did this because he cares for you right? 

 At least that’s what he’s telling himself.

--

 “[first]-chan did you hear about Ishii-san yesterday?” your classmate asked you. You avoided eye contact with her, “No. I don’t know what happend at all” you replied, trying not bring tears to your eyes. “I heard from the police officers that he was found beat up not far from where you were supposed to meet him. They said he is going to be in the hospital for a month. Did you see anything?” she asked, clearly asking questions that were getting more personal by the second. Images of Yuuto’s bruised body ran thorugh your mind, “I didn’t see anything. I just went home and that’s it. I have to go”.

 You walked out of your classroom and began to walk to a bathroom nearby. These thoughts were going to haunt you, and you tried to get rid of them, you’re really trying. But you’re starting to get convinced that won’t happen, because just a few seconds into your walk, Jotaro was walking behind you. ‘No..no he’s not supposed to be here anyway! Just keep calm and keep walking you’re almost there’ you thought, but you started walking faster. Jotaro noticed this and caught up with you real quick.

 “Yare yare why do you keep running? Why won’t you talk to me anymore?” Jotaro asked you, as if he didn’t know what he had done; making it seem like you were the crazy one. You walked farther, but Jotaro just kept catching up with you. This time however, he held your hands behind your back. You hissed in pain, you always knew he was strong, but never in your life did you think he’d lay a hand on you. 

 “Please let me go..” you said, trying your best not to let your voice crack out of pressure. You felt Jotaro kiss your cheek lightly. And you let him. You let him because you actually couldn’t move. You felt like there was something holding you against your will. You let Jotaro explore your body for a few minutes, and you felt awful. Someone you once saw as a friend, was fondling with your breasts along with kissing your neck with and ever loving passion. You wanted to cry, you wanted to scream, hell you just wanted to run away from Jotaro’s grasp. Those arms that were once so comforting, were starting to sufficate you. 

 Jotaro had been using Star Platinum to hold you together. He didn’t want you to leave so soon, after all he finally had you in his grasp he had no reason to let you go. 

 Not satisfied with what he had done to you, Jotaro dragged you towards a bathroom and shoved you towards a stall. He removed that stupid hat he always wore and pinned you towards the stall, while unbuckling his pants. 

.

.

.

 The definition of of lonliness is the state of being alone, and feeling sad about it. Kujo Jotaro had experienced this emotion right before meeting you. Now the feeling he is experiencing is love. However, that ‘love’ soon became a frightening obssesion. 

 And you can only watch him go through it.