it’s a selfish thought and arthur knows it because merlin has spent so much time hiding a vital part of his existence, his very being, all because of arthur. so he presses it down into the deepest recesses of himself and focuses on doing everything he can to support merlin, to give merlin the world he deserves. a world where he is free.
but sometimes, when he’s alone in his room surrounded by his endless responsibilities, he will think to himself, i am nothing.
merlin and the old religion hold him as this once and future king, but no matter what they say, he can’t understand why they think any of this is about him. it was never him. everything he’d done, every accomplishment and fight he’d won had never been his to claim. he was a fraud. he was a lonely king with nothing to his name beyond the blood on his hands, the blood staining his every crevice.
he isn’t the once and future king. he doesn’t deserve any of the praise. he is the moon, a piece of rock in the sky that shines only because of the sun. without the sun, the moon is worthless. without the sun, no one would have ever looked at the moon twice.
arthur had never been proud of his mistakes and his inaction when it came to his father’s slaughter, but he had been proud of the things he had done to keep his kingdom and his people safe and healthy and happy. he has fought and fought and fought only to discover he had never even landed a punch. every knockout, every victory he had held up to hide the ugly nothingness of his true, empty self was never his to hold. with the discovery of merlin’s magic, any worthiness he thought he’d earned had slipped through his fingers like sand through a sieve.
merlin is beautiful and powerful. merlin is a god amongst men, a gift given to this world, given to arthur, and for what?
this prophecy for arthur was always about merlin. he carried the weight, he fought and fought and fought and he won, merlin was the one who had carried this kingdom on his back until they reached the safety of the golden era of the current day.
it’s a selfish thought, to be thinking of himself in relation to merlin’s magic when merlin has suffered every single day because of arthur. and yet, in those moments, he can’t help but wonder why he was born at all, why he was named savior of a group of people who would’ve never died if only he had stayed unmade, a whisper of nothingness in his mother’s womb.
his first breath caused a massacre, a genocide, and yet he was given an angel and a title and a prophecy of greatness he could never actually fulfill.
he would never tell merlin about these thoughts he had. merlin would end up feeling guilty somehow, would carry the weight of arthur’s worthlessness even more by taking on the deserved revulsion arthur had for himself.
no, he couldn’t tell merlin about this. merlin would tell him he was wrong, would try to talk him up and fix it. would use that endless kindness to tell arthur endless stories about his own importance. merlin would shine his sunshine on arthur until arthur forgot he was just a lump of rock. he wouldn’t rest until arthur loved himself, until arthur took all the credit for merlin’s own accomplishments again.
no, he would keep this to himself. he would give merlin the attention and love he deserves. this story isn’t actually about arthur pendragon. it never was.
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*smashes in like the Kool-Aid man*
PENDRAGON SIBLINGS YOU SAY????
I have. So many Feels. About Themst™
The complexity?? The layers?? The angst?? Hello??????
Their relationship is just So Much, because you are right, it's all tangled up in miscommunication and missed opportunities, and so many problems that can be sourced back to Uther "War Crimes" Pendragon, who wouldn't know a healthy relationship if it bit him on the ass.
If Merlin and Arthur are two sides of the same coin, then Arthur and Morgana are edges of the same blade.
Because it's the lonely childhoods, the shared grief, the friendship, the vulnerability, the fondness, the teasing, the envy, the jealousy, the almost romance, the protectiveness, the betrayal, the loss, the hurt, the refusal to let go and the desperate hanging on, and the love, the love, the love.
Indifference is the true opposite of love.
Hate is love that's gone rotten.
“If Merlin and Arthur are two sides of the same coin, then Arthur and Morgana are edges of the same blade.” oh fuck….
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK
WAIT HOLD ON WAIT LEMME PIGGYBACK ON THAT BESTIE @0hheytherebigbadwolf (tagging you bc it will be a couple days after you sent this ask)
(Also, for anyone wanting background context on what me and bestie are bouncing off on: voilà)
OK OK SO
we are all familiar with King Uther being the greatest (worst) dad of all time, correct? places such high expectations on his “only son and heir” whilst never officially acknowledging Morgana as his daughter until the very end?
F+ father of the year :)
he is not above sending his children into the dungeon if they disobey him as seen here:
(Jfc he even put Morgana in chains like wtf)
also, he is not above using emotional guilt towards them when he deems it necessary (aka one of the only times he actually acknowledges them as his children)
UTHER (1x02 Valiant)
I trust you will make me proud.
UTHER (1x08 The Beginning of the End)
I’ve treated you like a daughter. Is this how you repay me?
UTHER (1x12 To Kill the King)
You are the daughter I never had.
UTHER (2x08 Sins of the Father)
You would believe a sorcerer’s lies over the word of your father?
not to mention that when Arthur or Morgana try to reason with him or argue with him since they are the only ones with the status to do so, he pulls rank
UTHER (1x12 To Kill the King)
May I remind you that you are speaking to your King [...] Take care, child, or I’ll have you restrained.
UTHER (2x08 Sins of the Father)
I am your king and your father. You will show me some respect!
UTHER (2x06 Beauty and the Beast)
We live in dangerous times, I cannot allow you to undermine my authority.
UTHER (3x10 Queen of Hearts)
You have caused this to happen, Arthur. My decision is final.
ngl i could include more but i have already spent hours searching for shit (YOUTUBE WILL DIE BY MY HAND THAT STINGY BITC—) but y’all get what i mean: Uther is an abusive fucker and it has messed up the conditions of Arthur and Morgana
now, about the double edged blade…..
as previously established, Uther is a fucking dick and wants his children to obey him but also adore him. with this behavior, the Pendragon siblings react in two ways: with anger & contempt or submission and remorse
way #1
i’m gonna start with Morgana because anger is the easiest to pick out throughout the show. in the first episode of the first season, our introduction to Morgana’s character is her lecturing Uther about executing the man Merlin witnessed upon entering Camelot (such a warm welcome for Emrys, mh?)
MORGANA
I just don't think chopping someone's head off is cause for a celebration. That poor mother.
UTHER
It was simple justice for what he'd done.
MORGANA
To whom? He practiced some magic, he didn't hurt anyone.
UTHER
You were not around twenty years ago, you have no idea what it was like.
MORGANA
How long are you going to keep punishing people for what happened then?
early on, it is easy to pick up on Morgana’s resentment and anger at Uther, who she believes is blinded by his fear of magic and his need for control (which she isn’t wrong about). also, we find that she isn’t one to back off when poking the bear (Uther). she does it constantly in seasons 1 & 2
MORGANA (1x03 Mark of Nimueh)
Why would she kneel on a cold stone floor morning after morning when she could make these things happen with a snap of her fingers? Like an idle king!
MORGANA (1x08 The Beginning of the End)
How can this child be your enemy? He's just a boy.
UTHER
He is a Druid.
MORGANA
Is that such a crime?…What have these people done to you? Why are you so full of hate?
UTHER (2x04 Lancelot and Guinevere)
How many men would you have me sacrifice to save a servant?
MORGANA
As many as it takes!
to be honest, i wouldn’t be surprised if screaming, arguing and berating Uther about his morals and ethics is her way of proving that she is not weak or submissive to his actions. i mean, Morgana grew up in a household the complete opposite from her time in Camelot. Gorlois, the man whom Morgana considers to be her father and one and only family member, was said to be “just” and “kind” and someone that Uther even considered a good friend who openly kept him in check. Morgana, until the age of ten, understood parental love and empathy unlike Arthur, who spent his whole life without any good or healthy substance of it.
the culture of Camelot and Uther’s wrath is not something Morgana was ever able to fully acclimate to as Uther himself pointed out in 1x12. She “was at odds with [him] since the beginning” and could never picture herself as a Pendragon (point further proven in 4x05: she looked revolted when Queen Annis compared her to Uther) because she didn’t share in their idea of magic = evil and a king = absolute control.
ironic in terms of future plot events, isn’t it :’)
way #2
compare that to Arthur: man’s respressed af. keeps all his emotions under lock and key if they are anything but haughty and serious. y’all, Arthur even says it himself how he “[can't] disagree with Father [Uther] in public.” whenever Arthur finds himself at odds with Uther, he holds his tongue and waits until he can disobey secretly (2x05 when he leaves to rescue Gwen, 1x08 when he helps Morgana sneak out Mordred in the dark of the night, 2x08 when he sneaks out to meet Morgause for more info about his mom, etc). it is only the rare moments when Arthur feels impassioned enough to speak up without fearing any retribution does Arthur talk back at him (so satisfying 👌)
ARTHUR (1x03 Mark of Nimueh)
[Morgana’s] right, Father. You hear the word magic, you no longer listen.
ARTHUR (2x08 Sins of the Father)
This is what fuels your hatred for those who practice magic. Rather than blame yourself for what you did, you blame them….You hunted her kind like animals! How many hundreds have you condemned to death to ease your guilt?!….You speak of honour and nobility! You're nothing but a hypocrite and a liar!
ARTHUR (3x10 Queen of Hearts)
You can't forbid my feelings any more than I can. I won't deny them any longer, I love her. I love Guinevere.
we can even compare how the two react to Uther’s violence towards them
(ahahahahahaaaaa what a wonderful dad)
on the left, you see Arthur’s face right when Uther crushes the morteus flower needed to heal Merlin (his manservant/friend/????) and on the right, is Morgana after Uther discovers she was harboring a Druid child in her chambers and she refuses to listen to his reason.
notice how both faces are remarkably similar 👀
however, Arthur’s look of shock and dismay come from his hope that Uther would do the right thing. that he would help save Merlin’s life from dying of poison. that he wouldn’t use this as a method to teach Arthur “what it means to disobey and cross the king.” he truly did hope, just like he always does with the people he holds close. Arthur cannot help but hope and trust that those close to him will not betray him and yet so many do. hence the remorse
looking at Morgana, her shock comes from the fact that this might be the first time Uther reacted to her words and actions in a physical manner. my suspicion is that most of the time, all Morgana previously got was Uther reprimanding her and yelling at her to stop questioning his methods (bc, let’s be real, she was the favorite child.) never has he lifted a finder on her like Arthur and i have proof (cue transcript!)
AND! and, Arthur is constantly warning Morgana about not angering Uther any further because of the consequences she might face (consequences this boy is very familiar with) when Uther deems it necessary to “teach” his children obedience.
UTHER (1x04 The Poisoned Chalice)
You have to learn there's a right and a wrong way of doing things. I'll see you're let out in a week. Then you can find yourself another servant.
UTHER (3x10 Queen of Hearts)
You have caused this to happen, Arthur. My decision is final [...] This is for your own good.
-
UTHER
She will die. The enchantment will be broken. You'll see I was right.
UTHER (2x08 Sins of the Father)
I am protecting you from your own foolishness!
so educational 🥰 but see, because Uther presents his punishments as lessons, Arthur himself views them as just a fucked up but meaningful way of his father’s concern because “yeah, I am the first born son and only heir to the throne. of course I need to learn not to do silly things like disobey, talk back to him, be my own person.” <- I’m paraphrasing here
Arthur does and has never seen a way out of the life thrust upon him by Uther (see 3x06). succeeding Uther as king, marrying a noblewoman of high standing for heirs and alliance strength was always expected of him. Arthur never saw a way out of this. even when he and Gwen were in their secret relationship phase, Arthur had to remind himself that this would never last. he loved her and knew she loved him, but there was always that reminder (that sounded a lot like Uther) in the back of his head telling him that it would never last so long as he was prince. he had a duty (constructed by Uther) to serve Camelot and going against his father would mean (in his eyes) that he is going against Camelot (as Uther always presented it to be).
so unlike Morgana, he did not kick and scream but stood firm because that was what he believed was stronger. if he stayed in his lane and did his part, then he would be a good king, maybe even a better one than his father, for Camelot. however, the show proves that differentiating himself from Uther actually made him the better king and more respected, but this is not the meta for that. I am getting side tracked.
OK: so we’ve established parental issues between the two siblings. now onto their very complex, complicated yet beloved dynamic
sO, as i mentioned in this post (because i am lazy and too tired to copy/paste the evidence from there), these siblings do care for one another. they just go about it in the most hilarious and repressed and in-denial way (hilarious to me 😤)
when we meet them, it’s established that these two have known each other for some time. enough for them to bicker and have banter, you know, as you do with a Pendragon. also, should add, neither character are ever aware they are blood-related until s3 (because of some weak-ass bitch named Uther), so you have that very, uh, interesting subplot in s1 that everybody forgets about until you rewatch it. (honestly, I have so many questions. number 1: why???? number 2: it’s only in s1—was it scrapped??? is it like it never existed???? what was its purpose to the plot??? bbc explain yourself—)
however, despite how much it is shown that they do care for one another, they’re relationship in s1 is still undefined and vague as if they also don’t know how to accurately define what the other means to them. it’s very similar to the whole “i really love this person so much but is what i’m feeling platonic, familial, or romantic?” because….you know, guy and girl besties who are close are typically expected to grow romantic feelings for each other, so tbh i would not be surprised if both mistook their love as romantically inclined in the beginning bc, reminder, neither of them were aware they were siblings until much later.
[and this is ALL i am saying on this subplot. i do not want to cause any negative discourse, so if anyone has a few choice words about it, either keep it to yourself or feel free to talk about it with people you know. personally? not a fan of the ship and never will be, but i am not here to post about that.]
anyway, have some featured receipts showing Arthur and Morgana slipping up and showing how much they care for each other.
SEE!!!! LOOK AT HOW THE CARE!!!! SEE HOW THEY WORRY FOR THE OTHER AND WISH TO PROTECT THEM FROM HARM!!! (and see how even when they’re on opposite sides there is still that same love. just more warped and corrupted T^T)
^worried/protective Morgana
^Arthur’s face after Merlin informs him that there’s an intruder heading to Morgana’s chambers
Morgana is very aware of Arthur’s trusting nature. Arthur is very aware of Morgana’s empathy and righteous nature. they understand each other so well which is why Morgana knew just how to harm Arthur in later seasons and why Morgana’s betrayal hit Arthur so hard. it’s also why he never stopped trying to reach out to her in s4 & s5. as @merlinemrys said in this lovely post, the show’s driving force is love. love of all kinds. whatever conflict it is, love is there at the center of it all and, in Arthur and Morgana’s case, it does not save them (just like how love does not save Merlin or Arthur from what lies ahead, as the op of the post pointed out).
that is what makes their relationship/love be like a double edged sword!! that is why they are edges of the same blade!!! they protect and fight for what they believe in and for the people they love, but the same blades cut deep and twist their wounds into a lasting scar.
it is because of Arthur’s love for Morgana that he cannot help but hope and mourn the woman he once knew. it is because of Morgana’s love for Arthur that her feelings of hatred are so strong and ugly.
like honestly,
look at them T^T compared to before
their relationship is so tragic T^T because we knew them before it all went wrong. we knew they cared and understood each other. we knew that for some time, they only had each other to rely on for a friend, a crutch, a breather for when the royal life was too much. both of them were fighters and strive to honor their values. both of them had once leaned on the other for support, had wanted nothing but happiness for each other.
fuck, they didn’t even get the chance to really be siblings because they found out too late, and by then Morgana was on a war path and Arthur only found out at the last minute.
like fuck, man
two sides of the same blade: forged with love, yet used for blood
screencaps brought to you by me, @sourdough-morbread, and farfarawaysite
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even if it's a lie, let me hear it once
Chapter 1
He catches Merlin staring at him sometimes; when they're riding through the woods for one thing or another, when he's training on the grounds, when he's sitting through a verbal beatdown at dinner.
He catches Merlin linger by his side. Though this, he is not too sure of. He tries to keep count when Merlin's hand warms the small of his back. But his heart flutters and he stumbles over the number as Merlin straightens out the shirt.
Wishful thinking, Arthur. he reminds himself, that's all it is.
He meets Sophia when he least expects it.
Dear God, Sophia.
How he ever lived before her is a mystery. He knows it in his bones that he loves her so deeply and would go to any end for her.
She is his only source of happiness and he would die before he lets any harm come to her.
But when she presses her lips against his, he feels dirty. Repulsive. His skin itches like he was meant to be someone else's.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He almost dies. And he almost dies. And he is almost sure he is going to die.
The druid boy, he is sure, was worth the risk of punishment for treason.
Death by a dead knight would've been nothing honorable or remarkable.
This would be honorable though, if he were to die fighting for Merlin Ealdor. As long as the history books don't mention his crush, that is.
"Whatever happens out there, I don't want you to think of me differently."
Arthur has to choke down the bubbling laughter. As if. Short of dying, there is nothing Merlin could do that'll change how Arthur's heart skips a beat for him.
But... the thought makes Arthur pause. Why would Merlin be worried about that at a time like this. For the first time in his life, Arthur wants to talk. No propriety or honorifics. He wants to know if Merlin is simply worried about his master's opinion or something else, entirely.
What if he were to die today, and Merlin never knew that he was liked?
"It's alright, Merlin. It's normal to be scared before battle." he says instead.
"That's not what I meant," Merlin's solemn face, as rare a sight that is, sobers him up.
Did he mean....
Could it be....
If this is what Arthur hopes thinks it is, his father would never approve. Oh, but Arthur would. Arthur would approve of it so much.
"What is it," give me a hint, I beg of you, "If you have something to say, Merlin, now is the time."
He tries to put as much love and acceptance on his face in hopes that Merlin would just stop clenching his jaw.
Come on, Merlin. Take a leap. You won't be let down.
Just as Merlin's about to speak-
"Arthur, it's time."
The bloody harpy!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Arthur gives him space to grieve Will. Though a sorcerer, he was Merlin's best friend.
He peels himself away from Merlin's side; away from the God awful sound of his sobs.
Wishful thinking, Arthur. he reminds himself, that's all it is.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He almost dies a couple of times again. Such is life.
He tries to put the whole "Merlin situation" behind him. Determined to forget. It's just not meant to be.
He almost courts Gwen, but then Lancelot happens again. And he won't fault her for it since he has half a mind to court Lancelot himself.
Maybe it's something about him; it's just not meant to be.
It's nothing to make much of a fuss. He's glad he has them in his life at all.
He's grateful, even.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Magic or not; he killed his mother. At least with the former, he had the excuse to be angry at his father. The sorcerer lies though, turns out the burden is his to bear alone.
"Arthur," he stops him before the his bed, "let's get you out of this."
He tugs at the armor straps with more care than usual. Arthur is sure that Merlin is back with the staring. He doesn't count the touches; not anymore and especially not at the moment when he barely feels deserving of being alive let alone loved.
"Whatever you're thinking of," Merlin's voice is soft as he moves Arthur onto the bed, "It's not true.
You're a good son."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The dragon is looming above them when he realizes this.
The "Merlin situation" is, in fact, not behind him.
It has come forth with a vengeance.
Well, how could it not. It's Merlin and he has, for wildly unknown reason, decided to be loyal to Arthur beyond what he deserves.
Not only is he back to counting the staring and the touching; now he counts Merlin's laughs and his approvals (of all things, really). His day is lighter when Merlin is happy and smiling about. The days when Merlin doesn't retort to his snark is.... frustrating, to say the least.
The dragon bares its teeth when he prays for the first time.
Dear God, don't let any harm come to him. I'll give my life for his.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is to be feast in his honor. For the courage and bravery he showed by defeating the dragon.
He doesn't feel courageous walking beside Merlin. He feels like a fool with sweaty palms that wants and doesn't want to have this conversation.
It's long overdue, Arthur he reminds himself as they enter his chambers.
He's defeated a dragon. What's one more act of bravery.
"Merlin, I- We- No, I- I have something to say."
Merlin is suspicious already, looking at Arthur with wide eyes.
"What is it?" It's that rare soft voice. The one that understands this isn't the time for their usual banter.
"We should sit," he drags two chairs, stalling for the last time, "I will say it, and don't interrupt me. I just- I- No, this needs to be said and-"
"Arthur, are you dying?" Merlin's eyes are so wide it's almost comical to him.
"I just said don't interrupt," he shakes his head fondly, trust Merlin to never obey. Merlin's eyes are still wide and overflowing with concern that Arthur can't help but reassure him, "No! I'm not dying.
It's just something I've wanted for a long time, and- I wasn't going to say anything, really. I know this is difficult. And I will accept that you don't feel the same, Merlin, I promise. This doesn't change anything. It's just-" he has no courage, none at all, to face Merlin. So, he studies the shades of his floor as he confesses.
"It's just that I couldn't let either of us die without you knowing that I love you."
There is silence. And then even more of it. He risks a glance at Merlin who looks confused. He sees the moment his words sink in though, since he exploded out of the chair, knocking it over in the process.
"No. You don't."
What.
"I do!"
"Nope." he points a stern finger at Arthur, face lined with anger, "You don't."
"I do! What is wrong with you?" he can't help the crack in his voice. That was a losing game from the start, "I told you, Merlin. I understand you don't feel the same-"
"What is wrong with you?" he's at Arthur's face now, inches away (so different to how Arthur would dream of it), fuming, "Why would you ever love your manservant?!"
Something cracks inside Arthur's chest. This isn't what he wanted. He was supposed to be let down gently, with the promise of cherished friendship.
"Surely, you know you're more than that." it's barely a whisper, he wonders if Merlin heard him.
"Arthur," he's not yelling anymore, but it's just as strong, "You. Don't. Love. Me."
He leaves him there and the tears come out.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
please don't let him love me. please don't let him love me. please don't let him love me. please don't let him love me. please don't-
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