#more John angst

[sandflakedraws]

re : how each brother reacts learning that they can't go back

you'll have to pry the "all the Brozone Bros knew what happened at the tree" headcanon outta my cold, dead dead dead hands.

[gofishygo]

no but what if reader sacrifices themself for soap in the tunnel... (implied ghoap, ghoap x reader; mcd, reader has very low self esteem, reader probably has depression, mw3 spoilers)

you know how important he is to ghost. everybody does- it's hard to not notice that they are practically symbiotic- feeding off of each other's laughs, near inseparable. you never see one without the other.

and compared to him, you are nothing more than a burden to the team, you figure. you do not carry soap's explosive force, the intensity in his eyes, nor do you have half of ghost's expertise in sniping, do not carry any of his mystique. you dont- you dont deserve a second glance, much less any of their kindness. your fascination, you like to call it, towards johnny and ghost, it should be hidden under your tongue, clandestine and invisible.

nobody gets a say in how quickly you are to establish yourself as the wallflower of the 1-4-1. and by the time of mw3, nobody gets to intercept how you manage to run solo in a team, no matter how much they try to reach out. they have each other. why would they ever need you?

so in that clammy, chilling tunnel, your reactions to such an ambush are second nature- you shut down the moment johnny's shoulder is shot. tackling the enemy- the movement is so instantaneous and blurry that you do not realise that said enemy is makarov himself-onto the asphalt and plunging your knife in and out of him until the muzzle of a gun presses against your head and it's bullet lodges into the back of your brain. you die instantly, silently, not hearing how johnny screams your name instead of your callsign, how simon, for the first time, seems uncoordinated, desperate like a dog as he fumbles to revive you. you had never thought that they cared, never believed they would look at you with reprocipricated admiration. and moments before you die, you realise that you will never know how much of a presence you were in their lives, and you close your eyes knowing that they will be okay together. but you arent around long enough to see how they crumble, and you die with the belief that in this world, you are none other than a replacement. you never seem to stay around long enough to see how simon, johnny, love you.

and you never will.

[srfiv]

once every few months, ghost gets comfortable enough to leave his mask rolled up at teatime

once every few months, soap gets carpal tunnel

[felsicveins]

If I didn't love you, it would be fine

[munemaker]

"i'm sorry"

[arthur-lesters-nipples]

My fourth attempt at designing a John. Will I settle with this one, nobody fucking knows.

[james-spooky]

i’m actually gonna die guys i’ve thought of the most diabolical earth shattering thing for the fic it’s gonna hurt So Bad

[potato-lord-but-not]

in light of monsterfucker!noel... what if john gets a human body but sometimes turns into a Creature. what if john hides it from his boyfriends because in his head it's just proof that he'll always be a monster. what if oscar is the one who eventually finds out. what if john is fully convinced that oscar's just trying to work out how to tell arthur and noel so they can all leave john. what if oscar is actually busy carefully engineering a way for noel to find out about monster!john.

(lbr oscar is thrilled when he pulls that off. making john more comfortable/a lot less ashamed of himself would have been more than enough for him, but noel's impossible to shop for gifts for and oscar's been wracking his brain trying to come up with a birthday present for him...)

sharing this after like a week because I accidentally made a 14 page comic sorta inspired by this so uh

[spooksicl-e]

i really hit him, greg

hit him hard.

[mikichko]

⛔ this blog is 18+ !! minors and ageless blogs please dni ⛔

soulmates au - your scars show up on your soulamtes body cw: angst, implied character death, mentions of injury, this whole thing has a big focus on scars so please approach it carefully

Johnny gets his first scar when he’s just barely 10 years old. It’s not a traditional scar either but something more jagged and rushed. Like someone had been in a hurry to pierce the skin and get through. It’s on his lower right abdomen, a thick horizontal line with three, thinner, evenly spaced lines. Just a few centimeters below there’s another miniscule scar, another horizontal line. 

That night he learns about appendicitis. Learns how the dull aches he’d been feeling in his belly were a result of an internal organ failing within. When his parents ask him how long he’d been feeling the dull, ghost-like, aches their eyes widen at his response. His mother immediately dropping to inspect his scar, looking for any sort of color difference that would stand out along his already pale skin. 

On that same night Johnny understands that you never want your scars to turn white. Ever.

You’re six when you get your first ghost scar. One that’s not yours but it is in some odd special way. You don’t quite grasp the idea of fate and soulmates yet but, you can understand that someone getting hurt reflects on you. 

When you notice the newly adorned scar on your chin you let out a pitiful scream. Your mother rushes to you, thinking you wounded, only to find your small fingers tracing the newly scarred skin. You’re trembling, eyes wet with tears, as you continue to inspect the marked skin.

“Oh sweetie, did your ghost give you a fright?” She reaches for you, hands moving to cradle your face. You’re unable to speak, teeth clenched as you try to such in air. “It’s alright sweetheart, looks like he had a little tumble.” Her fingers press the area around your chin gently, “See how it blends in? That means he’s okay. It probably hurts a little but he’s alright. Don’t you worry”

It still tugs at your little heart to know that your ghost is out there, hurt without any help. What if his momma isn’t there like yours? Or if he’s alone? Will he have someone to help him with the hurt the way your momma does with you?

Your mother brushes your tears away, interrupting your train of thought. She chatters about the birds outside, how she needs your help feeding them, and distracts you from all thoughts about your lonely hurt ghost.

Johnny amasses more scars over the years. Small ones across the bridge of his nose, underneath his left eyebrow, one right above his knee. He even gets the hint of a burn on his left calf. They marr his skin, their color just barely present against his complexion. His mother shakes his head every time she sees him with a new scar, a playful smile on her lips, “Got yourself an active one did you, Johnny?”

He laughs it off, kissing the side of her temple. He thinks of them as gifts, reminders that you’re out there in the world making your way to him. He worries sometimes that you might think him dead, a singular scar on your chin to remind you of him. But he reminds himself that your scars have not yet lost their color, have not become the absence of color just yet. 

His newest one comes just as he starts basic training. He’d have missed it if it weren’t for the phantom sting he feels when it comes in. It’s on the back of his foot, a crooked vertical scar running along the fibular bone. He can’t even control the surprised laugh that escapes him. It’s baffling how without having met you yet you manage to entertain him so much. Bringing him so much comfort in having parts of you with him. You’ve even brought him some close friends, your marks a conversation starter for everyone he’s come across.

His fingers trace the scar, warm water pouring over his back as he inspects the new piece of mauled skin. “Oh lass, always a creative one aren’t ye?”

A hiss escapes you before you can register the dull ache on your right bicep. Not one, but two new scars are now companions to the sole scar on your chin. 

An entry and exit wound, your mother tells you when you seek her out. Her fingers trace the edges of the new circular scars, eyebrows pulled together as she inspects. You’re barely 17, and not one to seek out trouble, but it seems your partner is. You can see the worry lines etched into her face as she moves her fingers along the slight divot in your newly damaged skin. A gunshot wound, she tells you, clean shot. 

Your stomach drops at that, an uneasy feeling coming over you. They, whoever they were, were in danger. One way or another, violence had found it’s way into their lives. You’d had questions before, mostly due to the lack of scarring and whether or not they were alive, but you’ve gotten confirmation now. Not only were they still alive but being harmed. You’re left to wonder whether or not they brought this on themselves. If this shift will bring any other scars.

Sometime after your mother talks with you about the unfortunate ones. About what love looks like for those who lose their ghosts early in life.

You alter Johnny’s flesh a few more times. Three large scars run along the side of his right thigh, right above the knee up until just a few centimeters from the halfway point of his thigh. Phantom ankle pains that he’s gotten familiar with accompany these scars. He laughs when he tells Ghost that you have weak ankles, probably couldn’t last a damn day out there with them. Ghost snorts at him, tells him he needs to focus on making your knees weak instead. Johnny shoves him, “Is exactly why ye get to meet her last. Cannae have you givin’ me a bad reputation.”

Months later you unknowingly bless the team with the happiest Johnny they’ve seen to date. When Gaz inquires he proudly shows off the four new dots that mark his upper left cheek. “They have a cat!” Gaz laughs, ruffling the little tufts of hair that Johnny has. Finally, he gets a small glimpse into your life. He spends the helicopter ride wondering all about you and your feline friend. Names him Chomp and wonders if they’d get along in the end.

The last scars you give Johnny are three tiny pinprick scars along his abdomen. Barely there, Price tells him they’re usually associated with a cholecystectomy, a gallbladder removal. A sense of dread overcomes him as he sits down to read about it, hands absentmindedly rubbing over the new dot on his sternum. It’s the second time that you’ve undergone a major surgery and Johnny can’t escape the distress that settles into his bones.

As he grew he’d learned there was a great chance that you could have passed had your appendectomy not been done in time. None of the other scars had been large enough indicators of anything serious, merely skin wounds. But this, he’s suddenly eighteen again, grappling not only with his own morality but yours as well. 

He’s come to terms with the fact he could die long ago, it’s part of the job, but Johnny doesn’t think that he could stomach the idea of dying without meeting you. To go his entire life waiting in anticipation for your stories to never hear them. Never feel your touch, hear your voice, feel your heartbeat, see your face. He’s gotten used to tucking the feeling away. Never letting it bubble up even when pinned down. But in moments like this he’s faced with the reality of it all and he realizes that he’d only ever considered the possibility of him dying first.

Never you.

It’s not a dull ache this time, but a burning sensation across the entirety of your forehead. It feels like someone had stabbed you or seared something into your skin. 

You scramble out of your bed, not bothering to turn on the lights, rushing to the bathroom solely by memory. Your skin screams at you in protest and as your hands scramble to turn on the cold water you realize the searing pain isn’t contained to your forehead, but the back of your head as well. Splashing some water on your forehead with one hand, you clumsily look for the light switch with the other. Flipping the switch, you blink rapidly forcing your eyes to adjust as quickly as possible. Your eyes finally focus and instantly you wish they hadn’t.

barely two centimeters in diameter, in the center of your forehead, is a gunshot wound. Your wet hand reaches around to the back of your head, patting around until it finds the sweltering skin there too. 

A clean shot.

Your body reacts first, tears already filling your eyes, as you try to process the new markings on your skin. He’s shot, again. In trouble, again. But it’s more than just trouble now, it’s a goddamn headshot. He couldn’t have survived that.

“No.” Your hand reaches for the mirror as if willing the scar to disappear, “No, goddammit, no! I didn’t even-” 

The loss of heat along your head makes you freeze, as if staying still will prevent the fate you’ve been dealt. You watch in realtime as the scar settles, blending into your skin, before finally they begin to lose color. On your forehead, chin, and bicep, the three scars turn a colorless shade of white. The final indicator of a soul now passed. 

Finally, the tears fall, leaving a wet path behind. Your hands grip the still running sink as you stare into the mirror.

“I didn’t even get a chance to meet you.”

a/n: this scratched my brain so good in the shower so you get it. unedited I just word vomited. smoochies!!!!

star banners by @/saradika

[gomzdrawfr]

cod mw3 spoilers ahead

cw: angst, MCD

edited: it did happen haha......

there was no goodbye there were no screams whispers of our name ceased no more "Simon" no more "Johnny" just an absence, sudden, abrupt, loud─── I always knew that time was ticking the inevitable was bound to happen One way or another and yet here I sit among the blanket of of your life seeping and coating what's left of me to savour and to embrace the last ounce of warmth from you I hear and feel the shards of glass broken, scattered and strewn inside me Pieces once made me whole Now only serve to break me more

rambles:

You know...it just watching that scene broke me...because the way Ghost called out to Johnny.

I know a lot of folks complained that it was rush and there were no build-up and cinematic scenes (as per the leaks) but the panic from Ghost's voice was palpable.

It was weak, and almost like a plea.

When he went and turn Soap's head....and to press his hand on the neck to see if he was truly gone or not.

AND here's the thing, it all happened so fast.

there was no time to accept and to really take in what happened.

They had bombs to diffuse, people to kill, Makarov to kill.

and hence the theme, "out of time"

and also hence why Johnny’s body wasnt drawn clearly

there was no time to accept his death, not until his ashes were scattered away

Yes, I know that they're soldiers, special forces soldiers and they were meant to act appropriately bUT LISTEN- GhostSoap's relationship mean so much to me...they literally are the reason my blog was born in the first place so LET ME GO DELULU

I didn't really cry and break down until they spread his ashes....god fucking damn im in so much pain

to think that the world is unaware, that the brightest soul is now gone

a home now gone.

As much as I am focusing on Ghost....i think the team will suffer tremendously as well cause think about it

Soap is their glue, the one who makes the tension lighter, the one who cracks jokes and raise their spirit

I think Price will be the next to be greatly affected by this, because back then he held Soap back when Soap wanted to shoot Makarov in the airport

It will be a grave mistake that he will carry for the rest of his life, he'll probably blame it all on himself.

He'll end up alone again.

oop might do a separate post for Price angst if i can survive.

[lovefks]

TRIGGER WARNING: SENSITIVE TOPIC!!!!

‼️FKCING STOP R*PE(FANFICS)‼️

I just saw a FF for ghost and Price where they are r*pist???? Guys stop publishing shit like that… This is really nothing to romanticize and it’s even worse to thing it’s okay or to publish shit like that and make people think that r*pe is good or hot…. People who experienced disgusting shit like that are traumatized for their life, now imagine what these innocent people must feel when they see that there are people who write fucking fanfics about that shit!‼️STOP R*PE‼️

[doggoboigaugau]

Stray dog (Part 3)

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 4 / Part 5

Pairings: Ghost x Soap x Male Reader

Long story short: my old acc got terminated for no reason so I'm reposting all this💀👍

Summary: Soap invited Male Reader to join Ghost and his favorite documentaries about dinosaur fossils :D (Ghost very loves dinosaurs y'all cannot tell me otherwise).

Word count: 1950

Warnings: Nothing. It's all fluff this time.

You lost track of time and ended up stopping only when your whole body screamed at you to rest. Looking up from the training gears, you realized that there was no one left in the room. It was a habit of you to ignore everyone and everything surrounding you when it is not necessary, or maybe it’s more like a coping mechanism, since this little tricky skill prevented you from taking in redundant information, such as a close group of men joking around with each other.

This very common sight in the military and especially in the training ground always succeeded in rendering you uncomfortable, and a vague but stingy feeling prevails over your chest, sometimes so badly that it even made breathing difficult.

No matter how hard you tried to brush it aside, dismissing it as something trivial and irrelevant, you knew damn well the cause of it: You once wished to belong to a group of friends that were so close that you all would spend time doing everything together, going on mission, training, drinking, and getting drunk together at the bar. Obviously, it had never happened. It never would, judging from how every time it was only you who got left behind, drowning yourself in overpriced alcohol and your own overwhelming emotions.

It was pitch black outside as you left the training centre. You dragged your fatigued body back to the base of your Task Force, but surprisingly, in contrast to your current physical state, your mind felt empty for now. In a good way. No burdening streams of thoughts, not a single fuck given about how others saw you. You felt kind of free.

‘Guess it’s a good point for not being around people.’ On your sweat-strained face drew a genuine smile. Some people would think that it was weird to smile over something like this, not having any close people around you and just spending your entire day loitering around, doing something you considered to be productive but by no means enjoyable. To them, you were not living a life. You were only surviving through it.

Not that you would complain though. Nor were you in the position to be able to complain about it.

Your blurred vision and the dull pain in your chest reminded you that you hadn’t eaten anything since lunch, which was almost 10 hours ago. Slowly making your way to the kitchen, you decided to turn a blind eye to the kitchen sink and approached the fridge, hoping that they’d be kind enough to leave you some leftovers.

What greeted you in the fridge confounded you as you looked at a carefully prepared dish wrapped in aluminum foil with a sticky pink note on top of it.

‘want to call ya 4 dinner earlier but ya seem to enjoy the training a lot. plz eat this when ya done with the training~’ was written on the piece of paper together with a little ugly and distorted heart shape, which made you chuckle. It was not difficult to guess who left this for you. You shook your head in amusement while putting the dish into the microwave oven.

Sitting down at the empty table in the dimly lit dining room, you slowly enjoyed the meal that Soap had saved for you. Then again, amid the quiet atmosphere that was free of any stimulations, your mind began to do the thing that it excelled in, drifting away. Your unusually calm thoughts appeared like a grainy film rolling before your eyes, replaying every delightful moment that you had shared with the Scottish and other team members, like when you, Soap, Gaz, and Roach pulled a whole prank on Price during your team’s vacation while Ghost sat behind and watched with amusement in his eyes. Or when you and Roach hid one of Price’s hats unknowing that it was a piece of memorabilia of his old teammate, and as result, making that poor old dad all stressed out finding it everywhere. Or when Price decided to catch you two and make you face the consequences of your actions that time and you were so scared that you never run that fast out of battle before. Or when you had no choice but to hide behind Ghost as he was watching his favorite boring documentaries, and he looked down at you obviously contemplating whether he should help you or not as you tried to convince him with your big puppy eyes. Or when you disobeyed Price’s orders to turn back and save Soap when he fell into the enemy’s trap and was pushed into the corner.

You laughed to yourself at this point, remembering vividly what a mess that time was. You two almost blindly fired your guns at the swarm of enemies circling you. As you barely escaped, Soap cursed very loudly in Scottish while his hand threw bombs toward your enemies. It was a mission that you would never forget, a piece of memory that you’d take to the grave, not only because of how badly injured you were and the prolonged period of time you had to spend in the hospital, but also because of how Soap looked at you. After that near-death experience, whenever your eyes and his met, his eyes evidently softened, and you enjoyed every little second of it. It made you feel like, eventually, you were special to someone, like you weren’t just anybody, but someone unique that was closely linked to a hardly forgettable remembrance. It raised your hope–something that you had thought to never regain, since at least when you died, there would still be one person who would keep the image of you inside one of their billion fragments of memory.

Of course, after the certain mission, both you and Soap were heavily reprimanded by Kate and Price, you for the obvious reason of disobeying orders, and Soap for his stupid addiction to blowing things up, which worsened you two’s already horrendous injuries because at the time of the explosion you were still too close to the spot.

“What are you smiling about?” You jumped at the sudden voice that broke the room’s silence.

Soap laughed at your reaction, “Why are you so tense?” He sat down, being so near to you that your thighs touched each other. He threw his big muscular arm over your shoulder, grinning broadly, “Temme, what is so fun that you smile like that?”

“It’s nothing.” You blushed at how close you two were, silently praying that the light of the room was too feeble for him to notice.

He pinched your face, causing you to grimace, “I don’t believe ya. It’s so rare to see ya smile so cutely like this. Must have some special reason.”

Definitely you could not tell him that you were thinking of the team, and especially him, so you decided to keep silent and enjoy your meal. Maintaining eye contact was like torture to you, so your eyes were just glued to the plate until you finished. Therefore, you also missed his eyes, along with how he looked at you.

From Soap’s point of view, all that he could see at that moment was how lovely his boy was. The way his big puppy eyes widened when he suddenly talked. The way his body which was athletic but so slender when compared to Soap’s trembled slightly as he jumped. How the faint blush quickly deepened and then spread from his handsome adorable face to his delicate neck. The nice and warm feeling that Soap’s fingers felt when he pinched the boy’s cheek. And also how his long eyelashes shadowed his eyes as he looked down at his plate of food. It was so lovely that Soap volunteered to be trapped in this moment forever.

As you’d done eating and washing the dish, you came back into the dining room and saw Soap still sitting there.

The Scot chuckled at your expression, “What is that face, Y/n? Are you that annoyed because I’m still here?”

You unknowingly pouted, which only made you look even cuter in his eyes, “No.”

“Ghost is watching his stupid boring documentaries again. Wanna join?”

“You came here from the TV room?”

“Yeah. Now do you come or not?”

You scoffed, “Are you inviting me nicely or just gonna coerce me into it anyway?”

Soap didn’t reply, just amusingly shrugged his shoulders.

“Fine, I’ll come.”

“That’s my boy!” The older man approached you, then threw his arm over your shoulder again. Judging from how you barely kept up with his pace in this awkward position, he definitely coerced you into this by all means.

When you two arrived, the light in the TV room was turned off, and the only source of light left was the TV screen. Ghost was sitting on the sofa alone, eyes glued to the screen that was playing some kind of dinosaur fossils, while Price was sleeping in his favorite spot–the single couch. You swiftly looked around to see if Gaz and Roach were here or not, only to find the two idiots hugging each other on the carpet, drooling and snoring loudly.

Ghost turned his head to look at you and Soap as you were literally pushed into the room by the Scot. His out-of-nowhere eagerness strangely made you laugh.

“Daddy chill.” You jokingly said and sat down beside Ghost, completely overlooking how Soap’s flippant expressions froze for brief seconds.

“Finished your dinner?” Ghost suddenly spoke up.

You were taken aback simply because the masked man hardly ever cared what others were doing with their life outside of missions, particularly for some trivial things like taking care of your daily needs.

“Y-yes, Sir!”

Soap burst into laughter, so hard that he fell to your side, hugging his belly.

“LMAO! What was that, Y/n??? You’re scared of Ghost that much???”

“What? What???” You frowned in confusion. You were even more confused when you heard a soft chuckle from the masked man that was sitting on your left.

“Why are you two laughing? There’s nothing funny!”

“It is funny! Do you see how you shudder like a puppy under Ghost’s glare? I wish I had recorded it!”

“Gosh! I hate you Soap!” You growled under your breath as you launched your whole body into him while Soap was still barely able to put himself together from his stupid sense of humor.

You two soon began to fight each other, giggling like two mischievous kids, completely forgetting that there was Ghost right next to you, who probably got accidental punches and kicks continuously by the unaware manchildren. However, the masked man was not mad at you two for disturbing him from enjoying his favorite show at all; instead, he often stole glances at you two with pure delight in his eyes. Seeing you finally being able to relax among the team was a sight that he wanted to witness all his life. It would take more time for you to pull down the walls you had built around yourself and let them come inside, but for now, this was already enough.

After a while, the giggling and fighting noises abated. You were sleeping soundly, face on Soap’s broad chest and arms around his waist. Soap’s eyes softened as he looked at how peaceful you were at the moment, before looking up to meet Ghost’s. The two men stayed in their position, didn’t move an inch, until Soap fell his eyelids become heavier and fell asleep as well, and Ghost turned off the TV, thereby extinguishing the only source of light in the room. He rested his head on your lower back, slowly drifting off.

To be continued...

[callofdudes]

Wherever you go.

Ghost x Soap. Angst.

"Would you ever move back to Scotland with me?" Johnny asks, interrupting the comforting silence between the two. Their hands occasionally meet, fingers mingling. Johnny enjoys the warmth of Ghost's glove, wishing to feel the rough, calloused skin underneath it. The warm breeze is a comforting touch to the morning they share alone on the porch of the safehouse.

Ghost pulls his cigarette from his lips, smoke drifting from his lips into the morning air. He exhales quietly, his gaze never leaving the open plain.

"What do you mean?" Ghost asks, knocking ash off the edge of his cigarette before placing it back between his lips.

"You know what I mean... Would you ever want to retire with me some day? Head back to Scotland, love near my family. Just you and me."

Johnny looks at Ghost, finally having the courage to slip his palm against Ghost's, fingers intertwining together.

"Bold of you to assume we'd even make it that long."

Johnny scoffs, nudging him with his shoulder. "Stop saying that. Just drop the possibilities and pretend for a moment... Would you??"

Ghost hums. "I would."

He exhales smoke, pressing the bud of the cigarette into the step, dragging the ash marking over the stone before flicking it from his fingers in the ash tray beside him.

Johnny shifted closer, leaning his head on Ghost's shoulder. "I think we'd do nicely with a cat. A nice little flat, a view like this... Possibly even near that bakery you like."

"Got our whole futures planned out do ya Johnny?"

"Aye. Haven't stopped thinking about spending my life with you y'know?"

Ghost turns his head, pressing his warm lips to the side of Johnny's head, pressing a kiss against his scalp.

"I'd go wherever you go. Dead or alive. I'd rather be buried close to you than some sappy funeral ground around other dead men... Not like anyone would show up."

"I'd be there." Johnny corrects.

"Of course you would."

The silence continues for a minute, the both of them sitting on the words before Johnny speaks again.

"So you'll come with me?"

"Yes. I will."

Johnny smiles softly, looking out at the view. "Maybe instead of a normal funeral, I'll arrange us to be burned on old ships. Like vikings and kings."

Ghost huffed in amusement. "I'd actually like that. Sounds less stupid than being buried in the ground. I don't want there to be a corpse to find when I die."

"Why not?"

"Because when I go down I'm taking the Riley name with me. I don't see the importantance."

"So I'll just have us buried in the same coffin together. Holding hands."

Ghost scoffs. "Did you not hear anything I just said??" Johnny leans up, capturing his lips in a kiss. "All I heard were wedding bells~"

Ghost rolled his eyes, cupped Johnny's jaw and kissed him again. "You're insufferable."

"And yet you love me so much~"

"Got that damn right..."

Johnny smiled, closing his eyes, squeezing Simon's hand.

.....

John's fingers twirled the cold metal chain gently around his warm index finger. The cool chain warming his skin.

He looked out at the deep valley, rolling green hills and a cool breeze to the warm summers morning.

He looked down, running his thumb over the jar in his hand.

"Ok Simon..."

He gently placed the jar into the hole he'd dug and covered it back up. "Just as you wanted it... Nothing can bother you out here."

He continued to twirl his fingers in the chain, feeling it leave marks on his skin as he gripped it tightly.

He sat on the ground, reading the name on the small post he'd shoved into the ground.

Simon Riley.

He wished he could have wrote more but he didn't know if Simon would want that. He didn't really know what Simon wanted... He'd talked about death but John had always cut him off before he got to far.

All he really knew was Simon wanted John to outlive him or they'd go out in a blaze of glory together.

John didn't move, even as tears swelled and he felt his chest tighten when his throat constricted. Even when those tears slipped down his cheeks.

"It'll be nice and quiet up here for you..."

"I know you'd like that..."

He clears his throat. "We did have a little funeral. Nothing big... Price and Gaz were there..." His bottom lip trembled. "Alejandro and Rodolfo came too... Just to say goodbye to you..."

"I won't be far away... It's a big hike but I know it's right. And I'll come visit you always. Ok?"

He gulped. "And I'm... Gonna bring you flowers too, just so you don't get lonely up here. Make it look nice and pretty for you."

He wiped the tears from his cheeks, blinking away the pain. "I killed them..." John remembered it. Holding that knife to the man's throat, watching the blood pour as he gurgled and begged. He remembered feeling the agony, the anger and the sadness as he walked back out of that room.

"I gutted them for what they did to you..."

He looked down at the dog tags in his hand, smoothing his thumb over the engraving.

Simon Riley.

John curled up, pressing his lips to the dog tags, trembling as he cried. He buried his head in his knees, sobbing his heart out on that mountain top.

Ghost had tried to warn him, but nothing could stop this pain he felt losing Simon. His Simon.

He'd tear the world apart for taking away the person he loved with all his heart.

He'd make sure the world never forgot Ghost. That he would be admired and praised for everything he did. Simon Riley would live on in his heart. In the hearts of those who held him dear.

"I love you, Simon..."

Little thing. Iffy on posting it but who cares, it's 1 in the morning and I'm bored. Raw, one take thing so it's unedited. Cheers GhostSoap lovers.

[wexhappyxfew]

and then i breathed

(a/n): AND SO I JUST STARTED TYPING (enter danny devito meme). basically, i started with an idea for this and couldn't help but keep writing so please enjoy!! serving up a nice view of kennedy x bucky in the stalag because that's where we really see the most development from them, more than anything. and to say the least, i am majorly misty-eyed over this and especially kennedy's character. when first developing her character, i didn't realize how much she'd develop up until this point and i am absolutely loving every bit of her in this angsty, hurt/comfort perspective. and of course, bucky makes the perfect person to put opposite her in so many ways. someone who equals her in humor and dialogue. i sincerely hope you all enjoy - this is almost a love letter to the kennedy x bucky girlies. thank you!! :D

The sound of the plane breaking in half had hit her like a slap in the face.

She remembered the sound so vividly that when the silence consumed her, her mind became overwhelmed by that very sound - the intrepid ripping of metal straight in half as she launched herself out of the belly of the plane, pulling the cord on her parachute, swinging through the war-torn sky alive with flak, enemy fighters and bullets, dangling out in the air, half-hoping something killed her right then and there.

She could hardly remember the feeling - landing in the middle of Germany, mind an absolute wreck, looking around for signs of Lieutenant Bradshaw or Lieutenant Carlisle or even some of the boys who'd been deposited into Silver Bullets after the 100th had run thin and they'd split the girls up.

Jenkins, their co-pilot, Hefner, their bombardier, Thillburn, their radio ops, or their turret ball gunner, Stalinker, their other waist gunner, Klinger, and tail gunner, Gronkowski.

None of them had shown.

She was half-hoping Margie was somewhere nearby, but had come up empty-handed.

She remembered the words that had come through the comms when Lieutenant Bradshaw had said they needed to bail out.

The ringing of that fucking bell.

The sound still wrung around in her head when she wasn't doing something to keep her mind distracted. She remembered it like a stop-motion picture. Flashes of moments that she wasn't sure were even real, but were true enough that her body reacted in ways she couldn't explain.

She watched herself stand in the belly of the plane, pulling the wounded Thillburn over, and attempting to wrap his crooked arm that was knocked into the worst possible position, the blood coating his shoulder and chest, soaking through his coat and covering her hands in a sticky mess.

She remembered him yelling, his words clouded by fear, nothing but a blank thought in her mind - what had he been yelling? What had he been trying to tell her? Were those his last moments of human contact before she helped to plunge him out of the plane? Was he alive? She'd known the kid for a few weeks, with only a few missions run alongside him, but had he been dropped out of that plane and lived? He had family back home, he had a life, a girlfriend he'd been writing to. Was he alive?

The look in his eyes sometimes came back to her a night, when she settled into her bunk and stared up at the wooden ceiling; it came back like a bad dream each night. His eyes boring into hers, begging to keep him alive. The thought made her skin crawl, it made her heart race, it made her want to lose it, trapped in this stupid excuse of a camp.

"You gotta stay with me, Thillburn!" Kennedy had yelled, her throat hoarse practically, her hands slick with blood as Thillburn writhed there on the ground, the whole plane creaking and screaming through the air, parts flying off and exploding off behind them, the yelling in her comms enough to make her vomit, the bell ringing overhead, the entire plane contorting and spinning through the air like the nightmare it had been. Over and over. Thillburn screaming.

Jenkins yelling to bail out, his form appearing in front of Kennedy, as he pointed and yelled to the opening. Her wide eyes filled with terror as she watched Jenkins pull Stalinker up from the ball turret, half-dead on his feet, blood dripping down his face, a giant piece of flak hanging out from his chest.

Kennedy remembered looking up and seeing Lieutenant Bradshaw dropping down from the cockpit, landing with such precision and calculated gusto, that Kennedy was sure that only force on the plane that had kept her level-headed in that moment was seeing Lieutenant Bradshaw come towards the group and calmly manage the situation.

Moving the frantic Jenkins towards the opening and telling him to go, hastily removing tags from Stalinker, and helping Kennedy to guide the flailing Thillburn to the belly of the plane to drop out.

Kennedy remembered the look in Annie's eyes; fear bathed in absolute horror and uncertainty - yet shoving it aside for the crew. To uphold command pilot the best she could. Kennedy remembered hearing Thillburn screaming for her as he went flying out of the plane, like a rag doll in his parachute begging for mercy.

"Kennedy!" he had screamed out into the open air, "Kennedy!"

And that's when she shot awake, her whole body in a damn-near paralysis, as her eyes locked on the wooden bunk above her, the sudden realization of the silence succumbing around her and where she was, along with the pounding of the blood in her ears, racing - over and over.

Slowly, she shifted her gaze away from the top of the bunk and towards the tiny room, all the members of the 100th that were there, completely and entirely asleep. It brought her a slice of comfort to see Lieutenant Bradshaw curled up on the bunk beside Captain Brady, her tiny bit of dirty-blonde hair hardly visible with the current hold Brady had on her there.

Annie put out so much for Silver Bullets that having her safe there in the arms of someone who would lay down his life for her, was a comfort. She could see the laden forms of Major Cleven, Bessie, Crank, Murphy, and Hambone around the place, along with Benny who was in the bunk above Margie, who nearly lay on death's doorstep on a bad day. Days of her current state had left her barely alive, but she was slowly improving.

Slowly, Kennedy brought her gaze towards the window and felt her heart nearly launch out of her chest. Bucky Egan was stood there by the window, his form unmoving, and his head slightly hung downward, his hair looking as if he had tried to get it into some sort of conformed place, but had failed. He looked so much more….quiet, in this light. Where he looked as if he was the only person awake in the room, trying to come to terms with whatever the hell they were currently in. His broad shoulders were still pronounced and held high, but there was something distant and withdrawn about his form that she was sure if she kept staring, he'd fade to black.

"You okay?" Kennedy locked her eyes on his form by the window and swallowed, "I know you're awake, Farley." Kennedy slowly reached her hand up to her chest, attempting to calm her racing heart and keep quiet. She felt if she tried to talk to him now, her heart would pound out of her chest fully and her words would get clogged in her throat enough to make her physically sick. And Bucky would see right through her like she was glass. In the cover of night, she let her walls down for herself and she didn't want another soul to have to see her like that. Broken and vulnerable and cracked all over. Bucky didn't need that. None of them did.

"You were mumbling in your sleep." Bucky whispered quietly again from the window and she heard him shift a bit, like he was moving his weight from one side to the next by the window, his voice still muffled - he wasn't looking at her. Kennedy swallowed.

"Bad dream." she whispered out, her voice unsteady, "I'm fine." She heard Bucky let out a quiet puff of air that sounded a bit like a breathy laugh, but she didn't bother. It seemed by this point, despite all efforts, Bucky could read her like an open book whenever he pleased.

"You sure?"

"Positive." Kennedy answered back, softly and quickly, an uncontrollable pinprick of a smile on her lips, "You get that sorta stuff in your mind with the shit we've all been through." She was playing it off, she was trying to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal - even if she could still hear the bail-out bell ringing in her mind. Over and over. Again and again.

"What was in it?" Bucky asked her, a genuine softness to his voice that made her heart give a dull pound, "Your dream?"

"Nothing." Kennedy said quickly, louder than she wanted - she heard someone shift on a bunk across the room a bit. She blinked a few times as her heart began to race.

For a moment, lying in that bunk, with the only person awake in that room being Bucky, she wanted nothing more than to be standing beside him, reveling in his presence and his body heat and his tall form, telling him everything in that dream and letting him tell her they were fine, that things would be okay, that in a way, it wasn't real. Even though it was. But she felt glued to that bunk. Frozen.

"Nothing?" Bucky said, a hint of a smile on his lips - she could always tell when he was smiling through his words and she couldn't see him. His voice became a bit deeper, and a bit lighter all at once, with a slight hint of surprise and hidden joy he didn't want you seeing. But she heard it every time. "Nothing at all, huh?"

"Serious." Kennedy offered back, "I'd tell you if it was bad. I'm fine." Bucky let out a soft laugh as she continued staring at the top bunk, her mind slowly crumbling into shambles. She wanted to be there beside him, she wanted some form of comfort that wasn't a wooden bunk and the bitter cold. She wanted him.

"C'mere, Farley." Kennedy slowly turned her head and found Bucky, for the first time, looking right towards her bunk, his eyes glowing a bit more in the darkness, reminding her, surprisingly, of Frank, Marianne's cat back on base. Watching her with that look in his gaze that drew her in enough to want to get up from the bunk.

Kennedy slowly shifted, and pulled her long legs over the edge of the bunk, before letting her feet slide to the ground. She stood there for a moment before turning to him and taking quiet steps towards his figure there against the window.

As she approached him, in this sudden quiet atmosphere, where it was just the two of them for once, not another soul awake, she felt every inch of his gaze on her. The moonlight outside reflected the side of his shadowed face enough for her to see that sad, far-off look in his eyes, and the hint of a hollow smile on his lips.

"What?" she asked him, regretting that she could get nothing better to come to mind when she was suddenly stood by his side. She watched Bucky grin at her in the darkness, from right there beside her and looked out the small window again and nodded.

"First time you see the stars out here?" She followed his line of sight and looked out the dusty window pane and, for the first time, just as he had stated, saw the stars. Glowing, twinkling there above them, ever-present and shining just as brightly as they had when she was a small child back home in Boston, staring up at them at night, praying for the future. For a moment, the world went still and she was that young girl again looking at the stars.

"Yeah, actually." she whispered back to him, looking up at the dark sky, before slowly glancing over at him, his full face illuminated in moonlight. For the first time, up-close, she got a good look at the scars on his face, underneath his eyes, the bruising (which was finally, slowly fading) and the way his eyes seemed more sunken in than she remembered. She swallowed.

"How long have you been awake?" she asked him quietly, watching as the corner of his lip curled upwards at her voice.

"Long enough." he whispered, and then shrugged, "Happens nightly. Don't get as much sleep as I want. Half the time, I stay awake because I don't need one of those German fuckers coming in here and pulling some shit." Kennedy stared at him, her heart pounding at the way his jaw had clenched and his eyes had gone dark.

"Nightly?" she asked him, resisting the urge to reach out and tenderly touch that face of his and tuck him into bed. These boys pushed themselves to the edge, it was no wonder all the girls were acting the way they were with these boys out here. They had no one but each other and youth brought a sense of maternal instinct to them all half the time.

"Yeah," Bucky said quietly, before glancing over at her, his eyes big like a puppy-dogs, "it's why I knew you were awake. You stopped breathing heavy - you hear that sorta stuff when you can't sleep at night." Kennedy watched him, her eyes flicking between his eyes and those scars on his face and she suddenly wanted nothing more than to wrap him in her arms and tell him in some way the world would be okay again.

"You've been up every night since you got here?" Kennedy asked him softly, "Bucky…." Bucky let out a soft chuckle and shook his head before looking at her.

"Kenny, it's fine." he said quietly as he leaned towards her slowly, that little nickname Judy usually called her rolling off his tongue with ease - it was always Farley, always, always Farley, what was this? "Never been better. Hey, I'd tell you if it was getting bad, alright?" Kennedy watched him sling her words right back at her and sighed slightly, her worry rising to levels she wasn't sure had been possible.

"So," Bucky said, glancing back out the window they were leaned up against, smiling slightly, "what was going on in that dream of yours?" Kennedy sighed and she heard Bucky laugh quietly.

"Are you seriously going to keep asking me that?" she managed out back to him, as quiet as she could.

"Maybe." he said with a humorous tone to his voice, "You get all passionate when I piss you off, so, maybe."

"I really wonder what goes through your head sometimes." Kennedy whispered back, with a slight bit of teasing in her voice, before she felt reality wash over her and she couldn't help but look to him again, regaining that feeling of wanting some sort of comfort. She couldn't work out the feeling of her nightmares, or that feeling of being alone in that bunk and trying to fight off her mind - it was making her go crazy.

"You wanna know?" Bucky asked her, gently nudging her shoulder, his voice suddenly more serious than she'd heard it ever before, sending her a quiet smile, "I'll tell ya." She watched him, her eyes unable to turn from his in a way that made her eyes glued to his.

"I'm really fucking scared of the way this place'll change me." he told her quietly, that smile on his face fighting to stay on his lips, like a part of him was trying to convince himself that he wasn't scared, that this wasn't what he was feeling, that this wasn't the reality, "That I won't ever get back to the person I was before getting dropped in here like a sack of potatoes." He let out a weak laugh and leaned against the window pane again, "Fuck." Kennedy watched him slightly from her tilted head and watched as he struggled to keep that smile on his face.

"Keeps me up at night. All this shit." Bucky said again, trying to do some more, further, convincing for himself, to make it all plausible. Kennedy felt so quiet beside him that she was sure she felt like a nuisance because of the fact she was saying nothing. But it felt like Bucky was saying things that he'd bottled up and was now forcing out because of the fact it was spilling over at this point. And he was trying to pull it all back in, but failing.

"You're still Bucky Egan to me." Kennedy said, her voice, for the first time in weeks, firm and confident. She looked over at him, with a nod. "You always will be." Bucky smiled at her, tender and gentle, and nudged her shoulder affectionately.

"Thanks, Kenny." he said quietly and she smiled at him with a nod. Then, both their gazes were set out the window pane again. But Kennedy was itching to say something, to get her voice to work. She felt like she needed to say something else. Almost awkwardly, she reached up to rub behind her neck before glancing at Bucky again.

"I was reliving when the plane got hit." Kennedy said quietly, causing Bucky to look towards her with a mixture of surprise and worry written all over his face, "The dream. It was like I was on the plane again as it went down. As Annie told us to bail. It happens all the time. At night, even when I nap. It's always in my mind. Those final moments." His eyes worriedly washed over her face as she stood beside him, suddenly any sort of stars or moonlight seemingly forgotten about and his focus solely on her.

"Every night?"

"Mostly." she offered, with a nod, "You get used to it. The bail out bell. The plane snapping in half like a toothpick. The screaming." Kennedy shivered, with a nervous smile on her lips.

"You could've woken me up." he offered to her and she shook her head.

"I usually just count back from 100 and then I'm asleep again," she told him quietly, "my mind's usually blank the second time I get myself to sleep anyway." Bucky stood frozen beside her, his body ridged and his eyes hard and narrowed. He slowly nodded, like taking in what she was saying was physically hurting him.

"Thillburn?" he asked her. She must've been mumbling his name on her lips at night. He must be dead.

"Radio ops." she said quietly, "He was half-dead when Annie and I got his parachute on him and got him out. Haven't seen him since."

"What happened to him?" Bucky asked, his voice distant.

"Flak got him…..I think. Came right through the side of the plane." Kennedy managed, as her eyes became misty, "He was begging for me to save him, ya know?" She looked over at Bucky and that moonlight bathing his face and sniffled slightly, before shrugging and looking back down at her fingers, knotted into one another, her thumb rubbing in that same spot over and over when she was worried. She let out a shuddering breath.

"Kennedy, Kennedy, he yelled, over and over. Don't know if I even did anything to save him." Kennedy managed out, "I just hope he landed somewhere…..and if he went, it was peaceful. Ya know?" She looked to Bucky and watched him nod firmly at her - even just seeing him acknowledge her was enough to know in a way that she wasn't crazy deep down. That someone was listening to her and she didn't sound like she was talking out of her ass to him.

"Stalinker. Ball turret gunner," Kennedy offered looking over at Bucky, "must've died on impact. Flak got him." What if that had been Judy, Kennedy thought quietly, feeling her stomach turn.

"Jenkins, our co-pilot. He disappeared somewhere in the clouds." Kennedy said softly, "They were shooting at us after we jumped out. The Germans." Bucky's grip on the window pane made his knuckle turn white and she saw him glance over at her with a stern look in his gaze.

"It just…it lives in my mind. That moment, those 15 minutes of hell," Kennedy said softly, "it's so stupid, but I just can't get it out of mind. Thank God for Annie, hell she was the only stable one of us up there. She's the only reason I'm probably alive."

"Bradshaw's pretty good for that, huh?" Bucky said, his voice more strained than it had been and she nodded as she looked over at him, "She keeps us all going more often than not." Kennedy managed a shaky smile and nodded to him as her eyes welled with tears. He slowly looked towards her and noticed that look in her eyes, nearly quicker than herself and offered her a weak smile.

Bucky didn't take another second though to reach out to her shoulder, closing that small distance between them, rubbing his hand against her shoulder, in circles, over and over, allowing her to catch her breath for a moment, knowing he was right there beside her.

"It's not stupid, Kenny," Bucky said quietly, his thumb brushing against the bare skin on the back of her neck, "you know that. The shit we went through, how we all got here. It was all fucking hell. Thought I was gonna die out there. I'm half-surprised I'm even standing here talking to you now."

"I'm glad you are."

"Thanks, Kenny." She managed a watery smile his way as he smiled weakly back. They watched each other in the quietness for a moment, and she watched as Bucky smiled wider at her, which made her feel safer in that moment more than anything else.

"C'mere, Kenny." he said quietly, pulling with that arm on her shoulder to him. And with how weak and broken she felt, she took that small step between them, and let him pull her into his arms, collapsing into his warm embrace, her face breaking against his chest, as his arms wrapped around her, holding her up against his form.

Kennedy had become pretty good at crying without making a noise, but with each tremor that came from her body, she could hear her silent whimper in the back of her throat that was enough to make her fracture more.

The sound made her think of when she was younger, racing after her brothers on Main Street, unable to catch up to them because she was the youngest sibling and the shortest with the smallest legs. And she'd usually trip and split open her knee and be sobbing her heart out. And then her brothers would come back and coddle her and wrap up her knee with some fabric from one of their shirts and help her back home for her Ma to fuss over.

And soon enough, it happened all the time, and she was able to mask it all. She'd brush off her brothers and her Ma and she toughened up, so she could keep playing.

Eventually it became her way to hide everything from everyone.

But with the way Bucky was holding her, she knew he was looking through her like glass, like he always did.

Kennedy could feel his warm breath from his slow-moving breathing, washing down on top of her as his one hand stayed steady on her lower back and the other lingered between the back of her head and her neck, her unruly hair mused in his fingers as he continued to hold her there. A part of her told her to stand up, move away from his embrace and his arms and him; she was strong enough on her own, she could handle this. But her other half told her to stay there, let him hold her, in the cover of darkness, in the middle of the night - someone was willing to hold her there and not let go. No one had ever been like that towards her, no previous person in her life had been such a way around her.

Holding her in the cover of darkness to try to chase away any sort of nightmare like the ones she always had.

Slowly, she turned her cheek against his chest and listened to the soft pound of his heart in his chest. Her cheeks wet with fresh tears, her eyes itchy and no doubt beet red, she couldn't help but relish the feel of his arms around her - he was so warm, so present, just standing there. It was like the ocean waves had crashed over her, pummeling her down onto the sand, and were finally, slowly receding again, letting her breathe. Kennedy slowly pulled her face from his chest and looked up to search for his eyes again and found him already watching her with that quiet look of his; she attempted to smile.

"I'm sorry if the front of your shirt is wet. It's cold enough as it is," she whispered quietly, her voice sounding like she had been yelling for hours, "thank you, Bucky." Bucky quirked out that lopsided grin of his.

"I don't mind. Honored to have a woman like you wrapped in my arms," he whispered back to her quietly, a small laugh following, "I think we should do this more often." Kennedy sniffled out a small laugh, reaching her hand up to flick his shoulder in her weak attempt at protest that she always did with him. But with the way he was looking at her and holding her, she couldn't keep up their usual banter it seemed and just let him hold her.

"You think?" she whispered back, and then sniffled, smiling slightly, "You tell anyone about this and it's on-sight, alright, Major?"

"Yes, ma'am." he said, his voice low as she let out a small laugh and rolled her eyes at him, not entirely minding the feeling of his gaze on her and hands pressed onto her back. She watched him for a moment, before he cleared his throat.

"Hop in my bunk," he said quietly, "you'll sleep better. I'll be your knight-in-shining-armor or some shit. Fight off the nightmares." Kennedy watched him, her cheeks blazing, her eyebrows rising in surprise.

"Uh…really-"

"Yeah, yeah, seriously," Bucky said, "anyone's got questions, I'll give 'em their answers, alright?" Kennedy watched him.

"And to think you were heckling Annie and Brady because they were doing the same thing-"

"Kenny." Bucky said giving her a look and she couldn't help but chuckle softly.

"I punch sometimes in my sleep." she muttered.

"You can punch me whenever you need."

"Bucky." He let out a small chuckle.

"C'mon." he said softly, nodding his head towards his bunk. It was at least 10 degrees colder when she pulled from his embrace and they slowly trekked over to his bunk. She glanced at him and his tall form beside her and he nodded her on encouragingly. She pulled herself up into the bunk and rolled to the wall-side before shifting a bit and turning her head towards him, watching as he sat down and settled down inside the bunk beside her. He made a quick move of laying the blanket over them, keeping the few inches between them, very much a present and existing thing.

"Get some sleep, Kenny." Bucky whispered softly this time. She was staring up at the wooden ceiling of the bunk above her again and could feel her heart beginning to race. His body heat next to her was a help - with the wall on her other side. She felt comfortably cocooned in for the first time, knowing if the Germans were to come in, Bucky was right there.

Kennedy slowly shifted her head to the right and looked towards Bucky again and found him wide-awake, staring at the ceiling of the bunk above them, too. She couldn't help it. She rolled onto her side and then shifted closer towards him, causing his eyes to meet hers again.

That silent stare down lasted for a solid minute, before she pressed her body up against his side and wrapped her arms around herself before pressing her face against his arm and letting out a sigh, his warmth infiltrating her body and making her feel at peace for once.

And to say it didn't take long for his own arm to lift up and pull her closer, as she quickly snuggled in at his presence wrapped around her body, his touch firm, but gentle, was an understatement.

"Someone likes to cuddle." he whispered to her. She grinned against his ribcage, before sniffling.

"Shut up." she whispered back. He chuckled back.

She could finally breathe.

[rouwaa143]

my savior, beautiful soul

i don't believe. you are a liar.