#my body was flaring so hard
Text
Always with the illusion of choice unless they’re love-bombing you.
#healing#narcissistic abuse#I want them to clearly articulate the things I’ve done to them#I know that there was stuff I did that wasn’t right#most of the time I did benign things that they didn’t agree with#They did not understand how ableist they were being#they literally drove me down the ground#my body was flaring so hard#I lost myself#isn’t it weird that people judge you for talking about bad behavior#what else am I supposed to do?#stay quiet and carry all the trauma inside like I’ve been doing and see my body rot from the inside?#maybe if people read this (both narcissists and codependents alike) then maybe we can all do better#spot patterns of behavior and do better#including me - I also want to do better#calling out behavior means that I can more easily spot my personal red flags and literally run away
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
probably wont be posting much for the rest of the month or so o7
#cus of health and vacation#my left hands been hurting last few days and got pretty bad yesterday#i later realized it got so bad cus i was having a whole body flare up which made the hand stuff extra bad#so its not As scary since those go away But it was a sign that i should be resting like........... way more...#and typing n drawing r a big part of it......#finding shit u can do with 0 hands is... really hard#luckily ill be forced 2 rest more soon cus of vacation n not having a puter there v_v#but yea just wanted 2 give a lil update#rambles#and i was so close 2 finishing the next aip post....... pain orz
37 notes
·
View notes
Text
i think i just need to rewatch lost.
#that will fix me i think.#because i am doing. bad. i know i have not been keeping this a secret but i feel very stuck and i don't really know what to do.#my general anxiety levels are much higher than they usually are and um. i don't really know why. which then just makes it worse.#and i feel so down and hopeless. i can't make myself feel excited about things. i have hardly any motivation#and no energy to do anything even if i did#like yellowjackets s3 starting production and i just don't feel excited about it and it's making me really sad#and I'm getting upset about things that i feel silly for getting upset about and i can't say anything because I'm embarrassed#for being upset in the first place#i feel so incredibly disconnected from everyone around me it's so hard to talk to anyone#I'm running on autopilot most of the time at the moment#and I'm finding it so hard not to push people away. but at the same time i feel so out of place and I'm dissociating a lot so.#idk whay I'm saying with this#i just feel like i need to get stuff out because i feel so anxious i might explode#and with the weather getting warmer a lot of my physical symptoms are flaring up. anf being in this house is so suffocating#i feel like i can inly exist in this perpetual state of fine. can't be any worse can't be any better#I'm just constantly pretending that I'm just Okay because it's easier than having to deal wirh anything else. but i know I'm really just#causing myself more harm.#I'm done now. just trying to relieve some of the pressure i am feeling in my whole entire body.
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
figured out where my weird body image issue currently stems from. i'm in my mid 20s so i feel like i'm only supposed to be skinny i'm too young to be anything else and that's what sucks. i look at older people who aren't skinny and foam at the mouth but i feel like i'm not old enough to look like that yet so i Should Be Skinny. it's truly maddening and not at all fun
tags might be triggering
#delete later#weight talk#body image issues#it's like my brain is like you're not allowed to gain weight until you're past 30#why. go away. stop it.#how do i combat this. how do i do it#bc it's no longer 'you're not allowed to gain weight' it's 'you're not allowed to gain weight *yet*'#i'm Supposed to be bigger. i'm not Supposed to fit into clothes that were loose on me when i was a teenager and#not eating. it's good and healthy and fine that i'm bigger now#and that my medications are making me gain weight#that's fine. it's fine. it should be fine. But. apparently it's also very much not#how do i stop feeling like i looked so fucking good when i was skinnier#how do i stop feeling like that i don't know how to get out of it#i was only that small two years ago bc i was so stressed and sick my body was falling apart and i wasn't eating#but how do i stop missing that body. how do i stop missing the way it looked. how do i stop wanting to be back in that version of this body#i don't know how to navigate this#it's especially hard when i'm no longer the skinniest in our friend group#that is extremely difficult to deal with and flares the old ed up a lot
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
i should get awards for being at my desk instead of in bed all day
#who will win: my body feeling like its literally crumbling into pieces and having to remain perfectly still to stop things from flaring up#or the fact that i will be so bored in my bed and i want to be on my computer#i lauv my computer#i wanna be on my computer#looking at things on my tiny phone is so hard it strains me eyes now#they dont know my vision is so bad#anyways. ill give in and lay down now. because it is beginning to be too much#but i need all the people of the world to stop asking when im gonna work and start saying oh good job sitting up today! good work!
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
So I made a drawing based off of a moment in the SAMS episode “Sun vs Eclipse in VRCHAT”, and it took me so long to finish it
but I did indeed finish it (just now)
#When Sun was searching for Eclipse and Eclipse thought “He doesn’t know I’m in the body” it made me think of that one meme#the meme with the guy in the corner of the party saying “they don’t know” and then something random#so I drew that#I started drawing it after I finished watching the video#and I only just finished it now#But yeah#SAMS Eclipse#SAMS Sun#SAMS Solar Flare#Sun and Moon Show#SAMS#Technically this isn’t a spoiler cus the video was made yesterday (on 3/15/23)#my art#please don’t steal my art I worked hard on it thank u
32 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#the problem with wearing clothes designed for women is that often I just end up looking like a gay or otherwise feminine man and thats worse#tag talk#like.. looking like a man who's trying to look feminine is just man-in-a-dress from a slightly different angle and it's just as dysphoric#and it's frustrating but I will continue to navigate this weird gender maze because some things look right so I just have to keep at it#second puberty for real in terms of exploring identity and fashion and figuring out what looks right and what works with my body#finding out what looks right and what looks weird and what feels right and what feels wrong#the good news is any thrifted clothes that don't work I can just keep for fabric scraps cause they're so cheap anyway#being able to sew and otherwise alter my clothes is really nice too. I added flared cuffs to my work pants and now they're my favorite pair#corduroy cuffs too. so they're got that slight outlandish look to them. Anyway gender is hard and I'm glad I'm not fully binary transfem#because on days when I don't feel like it I can just revert to default guy mode and then I'm way more comfortable
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Vent post in the tags don't mind me
#I've been having a chronic pain flare up this week#I fell off tracking my migraines in March after getting meds which helped so I have no basis of comparison and everything sucks.#i think it's stress trigger because this week has sucked in general#i had panic attacks sunday and Monday about talking to my parents about wedding stuff#and then had to go on a work trip monday and Tuesday that was exhausting#so it's been a bad time but on top of that my body has decided to punish me with a normal people level 8-9 flare up and I'm still at work#sigh#the fatigue and brain fog is so bad and i have so much to do#I would love to quit and go freelance and be self employed so I can take the bad days off to rest#but until my books take off i can't do that I gotta hustle#and god love my fiance he's working so hard too but he hates his job so i need to stay here because my work actually satisfying#when im not exhausted#i get to do fun things#but the FATIGUE#ugh#I just wanna write my little stories and sleep#etta rambles in the tags
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Idk guys, last week I left the house every day which meant I had a reason to wake up every day and maybe it was a little scary and stressful but I think I want that, I think I want to go to bed each night knowing that there’s something to wake up for
#agoraphobia is harrrrrdd bc I want to leave the house and be a person I really do but it’s so scary#and also chronic illness is hard bc if I could just get a job like a normal person then I think I’d be so happy#but even now when I’m not in a flare up I still have approx 2 days/week where I’m too sick to get up#and I don’t know when those days are going to be! so I can’t get a job or go to school bc they want u there all the days#they aren’t usually cool with u just not showing up 2 out of 7 times#but I want to work I want to learn I want to meet people and take the bus and have a purpose!!#but everytime I start to make plans my body begins to break down again so I just stopped trying#but idk maybe I should start trying again and just be okay with the disappointment when I have a sick day
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
Was having a good day after that HCQ stream but I’m :’D
#having a really bad flare up today#the pain is so bad#it scares me#it scares me so much#i just hope i can walk fine on my own tomorrow#if i cant#i dunno how ill be able to go to work#i probably will bc i have my meds when i get like this i can still end up walking#but it scares me so much still#bc what if its just one of those random times that i get it that suddenly i have to go back to the doctor#i hate thiss#im glad to be getting treatment but it takes forever to get it and its so goddamn expensive#i dont even have a proper diagnosis yet#just some bloodwork and imaging as i wait for an appointment#and i still need to see if i can be tested for eds too if theres a genetic clinic somewhere#sorry to vent here a bit just having a very hard time#i hate my body sometimes#for many reasons but partially for the pain#i just turned 19 last month#i shouldnt be stuck in my bed unable to sleep bc of pain so unbearable#when i havent even injured myself its just the way my body is#chronic pain is a bitch
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
I can't tell if I'm lying to myself or if I'm actually seeing the flares heal (inside -> out)
#hidradenitis suppurativa#it's hard to tell because the inside out healing allows them to continue to leak....but this really big burst I got last week isn't a crater#anymore on 😗😗😗 the people who said use Dr.Bronner's really be sharing the a saving grace item#like I fully think I'm getting better by no longer using antibacterial soap all over and switch to Dr.Bronner on HS areas w/swells + flares#then the rest of my body with dove bar soap#I'm feeling good I'm feeling clean my flares/swells aren't in pain and I'm no longer downing pain meds#so im TAKING this win
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#cw health#cw heart#i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it#i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help#sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me#he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me#sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree#have i Ever actually relaxed#hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch#anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things#a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal#so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now#and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser#i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever#if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked#all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is#every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse#anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches#‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now#i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC#which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it#i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead#anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t.#it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about#i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Shout out to everybody trying to navigate the combination of executive dysfunction, mental health issues like depression, and physical health issues that mean you have to rest a lot of be careful about how much you actually do in a day.
If you ever find yourself wondering "am I actually unable to get out of bed, or am I just lapsing back into depression? Or am I just stuck here because the executive dysfunction is making it impossible to move forward with my day?" I don't have answer for you, but I see you, and I hope you figure this out soon <3
#water world#anemone (she/they)#disability#chronic pain#fibromyalgia#its something i really struggle to navigate#did i do too much yesterday and thats why I'm in bed?#or am i just not fighting the executive dysfunction or general disinterest in life hard enough?#how do i know which is which?#how Do i fight the executive dysfunction and the general disinterest when my body is having a flare up?#I'm hoping that I'll figure it out. but i haven't yet.#the most i can do is be kind to myself and be open to my options.#and maybe get a little more sleep.#sorry if this doesnt make sense btw i am indeed mid flareup so brain is mush and this took Agess to write :((
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
i’m going to be so real with you when i say that my recent insomnia ‘flare’ has fucked me up tremendously like my heart is fucking fluttering and my head is now killing me n im weak as fuck n shake when i stand too long inhavent slept more than like 45 minute scraps in tthe past 3 days
#i say flare because sometimes its just infinitely worse for no reason#and now is one of those times#my body cant even regulate its fuckin temperature atm#it’s ome of those ones where i just want to Cry but i physically cant because my wyes wont let me#insomnia is torture#and i am exhausted#sorry for just complaining but im so fuckin tired#and like tryna stay positive but also its hard okay#shy shambles
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
the pain is back at 8/10, oh no
#fighting so hard to get out of bed and into the shower rn but shiiiiiiiiit everything hurts so much wtf#chronic pain and its flare ups are a bitch to deal with ugh i almost forgot because i took it slow for so long#and it wasn't as bad as it was in the beginning. but i think i overdid it on Saturday#it's Monday and it feels like my body is actively breaking apart ourgh......#delete later
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Most of the time I think life is so so good and then I have one minuscule moment of pain again and it’s like nvm I need to die
#you ever have a good pain week and then you can feel your body getting tense again even when you’re trying to be proactive and it doesn’t#help anymore and you feel like a child again I feel like when I first started hurting when I first realized this was forever I feel like#when I would spend nights crying and thinking about how this was my body and this was my life and how it’ll be like this forever#I almost hate feeling good bc I forget how shitty it is when I hurt#like I truly forget that pain is forever when I have a good couple days and then it always comes back and even when it’s not brutal#immediately I know it will get there again.#I’m pmsing and I’m nervous bc I am stressed and I’ll be starting a new job next week and my shoulders are set more forward then they normal#are and ik it’s from driving and stress and sleeping in so many different places but like god how do I stop being afraid of my body#falling apart while im still using it.#I’m preparing myself for the inevitable endo flare. if it isn’t this month it’ll be some other month. how do I explain to a new boss that I#might have to call out a couple days in a row every month bc I’ll be busy curled up in a ball crying or sleeping for two days#how do I explain that I have to lie about how much I can carry and how long I can stay on my feet because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to#get a job anywhere#ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh I feel incredibly young and small and my life is short and just beginning and it feels like it’s racing me to the end#I will hurt in some capacity forever. I just have to deal with that. between emotional and physical pain I am hurting constantly but this#last week has been so fucking good and I have to go back to my regular life tomorrow and try to be good and fix myself and still remember to#stretch even when I’m not driving ten hours and it’s just so hard#I hope I take care of myself. I hope I stop hurting I hope I can be happy soon
3 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
serpent-century
god’s least favorite princess
dam-fox
DAM-FOX
abysel
closed!
curryspace
カレー食べたい
healthcaretrends-blog
HealthAnalysis