#I lost myself

[xx-stay-strongxx]

Immer mehr merk ich wie die Zeit an mir vorbei zieht und ich nicht vom Fleck komme, wie meine Träume immer mehr zerplatzen.

[jt1674]

[howifeltabouthim]

Where was the brave girl I'd been?

Rachel Khong, from Real Americans

[girl4music]

The whole secret wife thing - Shae. Married in Vegas.

You wouldn’t think Nicole would be the type of person to get married on a whim. But then you also wouldn’t think Nicole would be the type of person to go to a festival on her own somewhere she doesn’t even know at 6 years old. She’s obviously had a hard life and has been shaped by it. Woman’s got layers and I’m so glad Andras and the ‘Wynonna Earp’ crew wanted to make the audience aware of this even if they couldn’t fully showcase it. It reflects on the type of person she becomes. And that that person is a hero is inspiring.

Katherine Barrell originally wanted Nicole’s backstory with her parents to be one full of love and support. She didn’t want there to be an estrangement over Nicole’s sexuality or choice of profession/career. But I really do think it works that they made it this way for her characterization backstory because her character just seems all the more powerful and stronger for it.

And believe me - I am the last person to believe in the adage of “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. But it’s different with Nicole Haught because of the way it’s written. Andras was really careful and conscientious about the way she represented and developed the character and given Nicole’s endgame, I really do think it makes sense that they went this way. That despite what awful past Nicole might have had, she still ended up with the heroes and the law.

Because she could have just as easily gone the other way with no real guidance in her life before Purgatory.

Before Shae. Before Nedley. Before Waverly.

I think that really says something about Nicole’s character. How tenacious she is when she has support. But also how brave she is when she doesn’t.

I just really love how they decided to make her more than just a main character’s love interest. In fact - in some ways - you could even say she’s more important than Waverly or Wynonna to the story of the show because she does ALL OF THIS as a 100% human.

And it’s like what they’re saying with her character is that you can do heroic endeavours and be successful at them without being supernatural or a superhero.

And that matters - you know?

A story like that matters.

A character like that matters.

I just really love Nicole and all that they did with her. Because it really does take a certain kind of bravery when you have so much to lose and when you almost do to still stand up and do the good and right thing.

[neptunestar0]

I was high at a college party. First week of college or wtv.

[hannahkayx]

I could never love you enough to put the bags down

How could you believe in realities where we were sweet?

You are the fire I never put out

The thunderstorms never ending

You hardly remember who we are from the drugs stealing you from me

Sobriety was a metaphor surrounding life conspiring against you

Treachery in a romantic fantasy

The only romance being in the heartbeats stolen from me

When the drugs wear off; I can’t compare to the woman in your head

Borne in a hopeful afterlife

Will be our restless souls mended

Hannah kay poetry

[youonlyzingonce]

[vizthedatum]

Always with the illusion of choice unless they’re love-bombing you.

[dramasetter]

For a minute there

I lost myself, I lost myself

[murnswhyte]

Trying to Start Over

Cat in a drawer-

Light, wooden floor.

Air mimicks breeze

But falls short.

A new place

But same things.

I must relinquish,

For accumulation

Overwhelms the soul.

Feelings numb, eyes heavy.

Thoughts so clear,

Inspiration clouded.

Where are the words

Which used to wake me from sleep?

Searching for that elusive paper-

That was once my friend, my love.

We spoke so often,

I never thought they would leave me.

Or have I lost them?

Are they there still,

Being shrouded by this ‘reality’?

A new world I’ve entered,

(Was it two years ago only?)

And I think already I’ve lost my way.

Unpublished Works

Seppie

July 2012

[ek-ranjhaan]

I look up at the stars

a faint smile strolls

beneath the tears and scars

A star twinkles

She waves down to me

the smile widens,

convincing me even more

that they love will never set me free.

Another star twinkles,

heart feels a bit more wrinkled

as he smirks down upon me

Taunting me for my tears,

Like the stupid one he is.

And she twinkles even more,

scolding him to the core.

Looking at that silliness

my head starts shaking

Heart continues aching.

And just then,

A gentle breeze goes by

I feel embrace,

their embrace.

so warm and familiar,

and I know they are here.

He ruffles my hair as she caresses my cheeks.

In a second it passes

and then comes the still,

so blank and crystal

Refracting the reality upon me

The memories resurfaces.

Their blood and my tears.

Their ever lasting final smile.

Their hands holding each other forever.

Them closing their eyes,

Only to never open again

as I continue to hold and beg them,

to come back to me

and leave never again.

[xx-stay-strongxx]

Plötzlich weint man über eine Kleinigkeit und weiß genau, dass es mal wieder nur der letzte Tropfen war der gefehlt hatte...

[madthehatter]

[howifeltabouthim]

. . . I ceased to be whoever I thought I was.

Catherine Lacey, from Biography of X

[nathan-thiry]

It’s getting more and more difficult to continue on in life. Always feeling not good enough for anyone. Having to deal with everything you put me through and continue to put me through. What you did wasn’t a “one and done” situation, I have to carry this with me for the rest of my life. Bet you didn’t think of that, huh? Maybe you did and thought, “how could I possibly ruin your life even after I destroyed your self esteem?!”

It worked. I’ll never be good enough now for anyone or any career. I’m losing myself each and everyday. Time is almost nothing now. My hopes and dreams are destroyed because of you. My life goals are not attainable anymore. I’m trying to refocus my energy on new goals. Helping people is all I wanted to do. You took that away from me! The more and more I have to tell my story about what happened, the more I lose a piece of myself. I hope karma comes through for you. In the meantime, I’ll continue to keep my head above water. Above everything that is dragging me down. It’s almost impossible to move on from you when I’m constantly being reminded of what happened because I’m still dealing with it. And will be for at least another two years. At this point, I’m not sure if I’ll be around in two years. This may just eat me alive even more to my absolute breaking point. I can tell I’m getting close to that. I’ll never be good enough to be with someone again. No one will want damaged goods.

If you ever receive a letter from me, know I’m gone. For good.

[biillet-doux]

i used to romanticize my life, every detail of it. i used to consistently find love for even the smallest of things. i used to think so highly of every moment. there was vibrancy in everything.

i lost myself, the older i got. the older i got, the less i romanticize my life. the less i find the positives in things. everything became more dull.

i’m now on a journey of rediscovering the beauty in everyday life. i crave that romantic feeling of everything that caught my eye. i crave that vivid vibrancy that everything appeared once before.

i will get there. my gods, i cannot wait.