#my brain is mentally ill in some very specific fucked up ways where if I interact w/ or consume visual media of any type

[kai3057]

hey gang! just learned it’s not normal to be scared all the time :/ sounds fake imo…

[firelxdykatara]

it's actually infuriating in how audacious it is for antis to be like "Actually you nasty little proshippers stole what was a good phrase from the poor people with morality OCD" when they constantly make character judgments on what someone does and doesn't like. Like hm I wonder what actually has more of an impact on how people would view themselves....clearly it's the random orphaned ao3 fic found at 3am and not MY assertion that you're a Bad Person/An Actual Criminal (???) for writing this fucked-up thing not to mention how it's poisoned the well on actual conversations of how portrayals (esp of marginalized ppl) might reinforce existing societal biases. But they sure showed orphan_account on ao3!

Oh 100%, and I fully believe that specific genre of person heavily overlaps with the crowd that believes intrusive thoughts are just 'oh haha what if I ate that leaf on the ground' and not 'vividly imagining doing something horrible which is incredibly distressing because once you have the mental image of like, how easily you could do something nasty to a beloved pet you can't get RID of that picture in your head even though the very thought that it could happen makes you feel sick', since the way they talk about genuine intrusive thoughts and how some people may deal with them (via and outlet such as fiction!) is so harmful and dismissive.

Like yeah, great job, tell the person who struggles with POCD and related intrusive thoughts that just having the thought in their brains means they are an active danger to children, nevermind trying to deal with it through a harmless medium such as fiction where they can get the thoughts out of their brains without doing any harm to themselves or anyone else. That's sure to help and not make things a million times worse for them oh fucking wait.

And obviously like, enjoying these things in fiction even if you aren't trying to Deal With Shit (trauma, intrusive thoughts/OCD, etc) doesn't meant shit either (if someone behaves like a creep then that's one thing, but you can't actually predict 'creep' behavior from the fiction someone enjoys, sorry!), but the people who are dealing with mental illness, trauma, other similar issues via fiction are extremely vulnerable to the kind of damaging shame and self-hatred that anti rhetoric deliberately attempts to inject into fandoms, and that makes the claim that they're trying to 'protect' people laughable, because they don't give a shit about some of the most vulnerable people in fandom spaces and in many cases actively wish harm on them for not 'handling' their issues in a way antis find 'acceptable'.

And all of this is before you get into the fact that, like, yeah, some random fic on Ao3 might not handle its subject matter particularly well, but I can absolutely guarantee that there's some Hollywood blockbuster or major television series or extremely popular book that handles the same subject matter considerably worse. But the people involved in those are usually too rich and inaccessible to be harmed in the ways antis prefer to lash out, so they go after far more vulnerable targets so they have someone they can hurt.

It's bullshit from one end to the other and I am so. fucking. tired.

[dragontamerno3]

DS9 S3 E12 - Past Tense 2

Another rough one but for the right reasons.

I knew this one would be more character driven stuff, given that the first part was heavy on the set up, but I am happy where everything took us.

I'm gonna start with BC. I wanted to punch that dude in the face most of the time he was on screen but the episode did such a good job from taking him to brutal Ghost to a dude willing to do what was right. He didn't really have much left for him and I didn't expect him to live, so it wasn't a surprise to see that he died. I wasn't sad really, and I didn't think of his character as a waste IRL, but pretending I was in this timeline and in this actual episode, it did feel like a waste in a "maybe he could have turned over a new leaf" kinda way.

Vin was the other one that I was super surprised and happy about to watch his character grow. There have been times when I've had to forcefully sit down with a relative and point to all the things wrong with the world and how it hurts me specifically (disability, queer topics, being broke, etc) and to slowly chip away at their stubbornness so they can actually see whats ACTUALLY wrong with the world. He felt like that. It was hard to sit through his scenes at first, and they're supposed to be, but I'm very glad he was the character at the end fighting for those in the Sanctuary Zone.

Webbs death actually made me sad. He was a damn good man just trying to do what was best for his family, for all those trapped inside those fucked up zones. He didn't deserve death. I get why, from a story stand point why they did what they did but still, it was sad.

I wanted to laugh every time that Webb and Sisko were dealing with the government, but one of those cold bitter laughs. The way the government was going to hand out pebbles in a way to try to appease folks without actually listening to any of the problems. I was happy to hear later when she was on the phone with the governor that other uprisings were happening in other Zones.

I think the scene that got me the most was when the people from the Zone were telling their stories. Simple stories about who they were. Little two minute things of what they did, why they were sent there to begin with, and maybe of the family they had. Real people telling real stories. Something the public couldn't hide from. It made Jadzia's whole deal with the rich folks in the previous episode kinda worth it.

Also, side note, the whole "aliens want to suck our brains out" scene was supposed to be funny, I think, and it some ways I can see how others might see that, but I can't. Mental illnesses getting ignored because no one wants to care about healthcare sucks. I do think it was sweet that he saw Jadzia as a "good one" though instead of fighting them.

Kira and Miles popping in and out of times, though, was funny. Kira being awkward in each of them and Miles just trying his best to not to make it worse. It was the breath of air between heavy moments.

I once again thought they ended the episode a bit too soon, Bashir and Sisko went through some hardcore shit, it felt like they rushed through dealing with it, but overall it was a great episode.

This is the year of the Bell Riots and they apparently start a week after my birthday this year... with a literal Nazi running for office, I'm wondering if the episode might be onto something.

8.5/10 - would be a 9 but I am a little unsatisfied with the ending

[yusuke-of-valla]

Looking at your Narcissus post, there actually are some Greek myths that treat Narcissus in a sympathetic light, I feel they tend to get ignored at least partially because of how much NPD is demonized by everyone.

On a related note, if I was lost and asked another person for directions, but they instead just repeated what I said, even after I said to stop, and than they randomly got into my personal space and started touching me, I'd get angry at that person too, no matter how attractive they were.

Everyone always ignores that Narcissus never had Hera's curse on Echo explained to him.

Yeah where I ultimately come down on the whole thing is that, obviously that was not the original intent of the myth (and honestly the punishment makes more sense if we're talking about the version with Amenias because at least then Narcissus was being a dick but we can't teach kids about gay shit so ...)

But as someone who is asexual and possibly aromantic and who did get asked out to a dance and responded by running away and hiding in the bathroom for ten minutes, considering we already like to reimagine Greek myths so the heroes are more sympathetic to modern sensibilities ANYWAY, I can very easily see a version of Narcissus that, if not like actually humble or whatever, IS more sympathetic to the fact that people are not obligated to return the affections of people just because they're hot, that the gods tend to be petty and fuck with people (in some versions he's cursed by Aphrodite specifically so you can do a lot with that), and just

Jesus Christ I don't have NPD, I don't know anyone with NPD personally, but I'm against the idea that any mental illness makes someone inherently abusive or that Anyone they have a relationship with is going to receive abuse (which I have literally seen? Written? On what are otherwise medical websites?)

Like that seems fucked up to say about a person who can't change how their brain works anymore than I can?

Sorry I feel like I'm rambling I just feel like GIVEN THE CONTEXT OF HOW WE ALREADY REIMAGINE MYTHS ANYWAY AND HAVE BEEN DOING IT FOR YEARS Narcissus is actually a character you can give a lot of depth in interesting ways while keeping the core idea that he thinks he's hot shit (and actually is that hot)

Also. If you do a version where he's trans you can make a joke about how Narcissus is Nar cis-isn't.

Look at what we're leaving on the table here people!

[peyton--warren]

Went to therapy today after having the startling revelation this week I literally could not careless about much of anything. I realized mid-week that if I was caught on my phone at work by my boss's boss and reprimanded that I wouldn't even think twice about telling him to go fuck himself , and flushing my 24 year career down the drain.

Talked at length with my therapist of 5+ yrs today and turns out I have "burn out.". I've heard of burn out. I've thought I've had it in the past but this that I'm going through right now is a whole other level of not giving a shit. About myself, about others, about my health, about so much that I should give a shit about. It's a little of the season, a dash of my mental illness, an unhealthy dose of my trauma, and a whole pile of hot shit from the last few years finally breaking me into a pile of goo. No lie, folks, she pointed out things from 2020 that still are vexing me hard.

We talked about me changing jobs, moving to another part of the country, trying new things, finding new relationships, discovering new hobbies, changing up current routines. Some of those things I can do now, some of those things will have to happen overtime. Have two job applications already out, they are both on the East Coast of the US, I'm much closer to the West Coast currently.

I need to find new groups of people to spend actual IRL time with, and since generally I dislike people as a whole (which therapist pointed out I say as a default when she challenges me to branch out and find new IRL people...) could be a challenge for me. She specifically told me to look into "local" queer communities- read "local" as 80 miles away from where I live cuz I live in a rather conservative small town with very few (as in I know only 2 other queer people in our town of less than 1000) . That's a distance to just hang out especially this time of the year in an area where winter weather is no joke.

Making small changes to my routine is hopefully gonna help. I kinda stared blankly at her this morning when she suggested I not start my work day at my office, to find some other way to start work... Still have no idea what else I am gonna do at work if I don't start in the office. I'm supposed to "get creative.".

Anyway, am also gonna try rekindling some of my crafty, artsy hobbies to try to help. Idk if that will include fic writing. I haven't even tried writing in months. Have been jotting down ideas and even brain storming to help other writers but I've got jack and shit for myself.

Am tired. So tired. Tired to my soul. And I don't want feel like this any more. I need to find a way out.

[bitter-limelight]

Hi!

Since you're a expert of Daniel, I'm curious does he have an mental illness? For me, while reading it feels like hints through out the books that he does..If so, what do you think its?

Hello anon! I'm always down to pick Daniels brain!

I think first and foremost the obvious answer here is Daniels substance abuse disorder. He's canonly dying of alcoholism so that's pretty striking. Second most obvious is whatever he has going on after he's turned and through till modern day. I don't subscribe to the new theories that Marius can't be trusted and Daniel was never sick. To me that's pretty ableist to deny that Daniel was obviously very ill, and from QOTD onward, way before trains, though since we're speaking of a madness that seems specific to vampires I'm not sure what I would call it. An obsessive disorder?

I also put forward the idea that Daniels mental state deals a lot with trauma. He's a queer man having grown up in America in the fifties and sixties, where being queer was categorized as a mental illness. He would have been prime age to be one of the last brackets called to serve in Vietnam. The cold war was A Thing, growing up under the threat of annihilation. They're the worst fucking generation but boomers went through some shit man. Then of course there's the trauma of Armand just.....being Armand, being "born to darkness in the midst of a storm-" I would say Daniel very likely has PTSD, perhaps even c-ptsd due to the repeated and ongoing issues.

I see Daniel as often depressed or anxious but not specifically having depression of anxiety, as an aside. To me he has a lot of irl reasons to be depressed/anxious as opposed to clinically so, which doesn't need to have an outside reason. Addiction, and trauma are my armchair diagnosis for Daniel but I'm definately not a doctor. But Daniel also isn't real so we can read into him whatever we want actually!

What do you think?

[citrusandsalt]

I really relate to your posts and reblogs about chronic fatigue and practicing self-love. So if you’re willing to share, what are your specific disabilities?

Hi anon!

I have been really lucky to have a PCP who has gone with "well, you have the symptoms of fibro, and a family history of fibro, so let's throw some fibro treatments at you and see if they help and if they don't, we'll do something else" and they did!

So one way to look at my suite of disabilities is that I have chronic fatigue, chronic pain (especially through the top of my back and my neck), and chronic migraines with and without aura. That profile could fit a few different things, but I've gotten pretty far just by treating the symptoms and muddling through that way.

Additionally, I'm not clinically immunosuppressed, but I do get sick very easily - noticeably to my friends levels of easily, regularly hovering near my max allotment of sick days just because of having colds easily, buying and finishing the biggest boxes of DayQuil and NyQuil multiple times per year easily - and when I get sick I tend to stay sick for longer, especially coughs.

Another way to look at it is: something autoimmune is probably going on. I have a family history of RA, other arthritises, AND fibro. The symptoms I've had for a long time map to fibromyalgia, but newer symptoms also map to spondyloarthritis. So probably some combo of those! Testing is a slow process and nothing has yet come back definitive, but also nothing has come back ruling out either of them (or both of them!). Autoimmune diseases are poorly understood - especially fibromyalgia which many people suspect may "actually" be several different diseases we've dumped in the "girlies' bodies hurt, idk" bucket, so uh, stay tuned I guess.

Additionally, some people count mental illness under disability, and I have severe depression, moderate-severe cPTSD, and mild-moderate generalized anxiety.

And there's a lot of comorbidities in there! Many people who experience trauma also have autoimmune disorders because your brain and your body are actually the same thing and putting one under chronic stress puts the other under chronic stress. And many people who are chronically ill have depression because hey, when your body can't do things, it makes you sad about what you can't do. Being in pain sucks. cPTSD basically always comes bundled with depression and anxiety so that's basically a BOGO special.

A thing that I do think is interesting is the comorbidities I don't have. As far as I can tell, I don't have EDS, autism, or ADHD, and I'm not trans.

So! tl;dr: got the back-and-neck hurts disease, the heady hurt disease, the sleepy bitch disease, the bad childhood disease, and the sad bitch disease. I'm like a beautiful flower where each petal is "huh, that's kinda fucked up but not like, SUPER fucked up, so you can pass for normal enough most of the time. Good luck champ!"

[astriiformes]

What are some things you really like about the Locked Tomb? Amy specific characters, scenes, thematic motifs, memes? And (if you feel like it) why?

The answer to this is Many Things, which is one reason the series has taken up residence in my brain for good!

My favorite characters are probably Palamedes and Harrow; Pal because I love a good nerd who is also very kind and his whole qpr-flavored relationship with Camilla is so important to me, and Harrow because. Well. There are sure some reasons I have been really vibing with characters who are mentally ill disasters recently, and I think she's a particularly interesting and sympathetically written one. But I love so many other characters in the books too. One thing I really adore about the series is that it's got a 10/10 ensemble cast. Stories with really large casts of interesting characters are my favorite, and TLT has so many good ones. It's delightful.

....Which also ties into one of the other things I love about the books. I have. A lot of thoughts about what TLT has to say about relationships, and specifically that it does so in a way that really works for me as an aro person. The fact that the whole Lyctoral process (and its variants) reads like an exercise in "Hey, what if Drift Compatibility were way more fucked up" works so much better for me as a thesis on love than what many works of fiction have to say about it, and the idea that it can be both a positive/negative force, and that none of that is in any way restricted to one kind of human connection is. So much better and so much more interesting than what you usually see when fiction tries to say something about love and what it is and how it impacts us.

(Also, going to keep things kind of vague here, but for my friends who haven't read Nona yet you might want to skip over this next paragraph, just to be safe)

That was something I was already musing heavily on before NtN, and that I really liked about the series, because as early as the first book you have a lot of different things happening in the neromancer/cavalier relationships. But the most recent book really hit me in the gut with that. I remember I read an interview with the author that mentioned the "Life is too short and love is too long," line and I knew it was going to mess me up badly (although I didn't know if it was just a theme the book was going to dig into or an actual quote) because things of that, like, "better to have loved and lost" ilk really get to me. But I did have some ideas about what relationships it would be most relevant to, and I was VERY wrong, and when I hit the point in the book where it was actually said, I bawled my eyes out -- as expected, but also for totally different reasons than I'd been prepared for because that whole conversation is just. Not the kind of thing you get to see between characters with that kind of relationship, usually. I am still verklempt about it, honestly.

Anyways, 10/10 books series, I am so excited to see how it wraps up because I really feel like Tamsyn Muir is going to manage to stick the landing with these. Her writing style alone is such a delight and has given me a lot to turn around in my head, as someone who also likes telling stories that are both dark and funny and try to do some unconventional things. Not saying I am on her level but man was her writing style designed to cater to me specifically.

[trapton]

hows ur portrayal?? hows your portrayal???? do i even NEED to speak about my opinion of your portrayal. your will quite literally drives me insane in the best way possible. have i stated the fact that i was entirely indifferent about william afton before i stumbled upon you + your portrayal of him because its true. you singlehandedly made me so incredibly mentally ill about this man its not even funny. hes sosososo interesting i absolutely adore the way you interpret him i want to examine him under a microscope. i can tell youve put so much thought into him as a person past what most people in the community do and i just. i dont know how to explain it. ive said it before this blog right here is literally the reason i joined the tumblr rpc bc i was just . i dunno i was just in awe. every thread i have with ur will ( and all ur other muses ofc, ur will just drives me insane in a Very Specific Way that is difficult to replicate ) is sososo special to me. i specifically love our pair of fucked up guys i will actually never be over them.

tl;dr im picking up your william by the scruff of his neck and shaking him like a dog toy he is everything to me. i will forever be this fucked up little mans #1 fan i enjoy him so so much. thank you for making him the way that he is.

🔧 「   ASK MEME :   HOW’S MY PORTRAYAL?   」 / @nineliabilityrisk !

i have to restrain myself so i don't end up hoarding this ask, because i ask for this expecting critique &. ofc some compliments but i'm notoriously bad at taking them, &. like! i always just end up complimenting the sender to deflect. so i'll try to do better at that, but i have to just say that i adore you &. your original characters are rich &. unique &. your canons are so thought through &. interesting, &. i am not doing you justice with this explanation or these compliments but you've just been such a good friend &. a lovely partner in writing &. i always adore getting replies / messages / memes or anything else from you. (also including seeing your posts). &. your smut writing (&. in general) is masterful it's art it is LOVELY. for being young you're just so advanced in your writing. ANYWAY

first off i have to give you a formal apology for making you mentally ill about willy. it's a terrible &. speaking from experience i hardly needed to add to my list. though, it makes me blush that i could take a character you were indifferent about &. make you like them &. see them differently. there's a lot of ways to interpret will / fill in his blanks, &. i admit i may have (definitely have) some hot takes, aka him not building spring bon or his design or art hobbies, though i stand by him. like, honestly i had so much in my mind about him i needed to make a separate blog for the first time in years. he just took up all of my brain-cells. it just means so much to me to know you like how i see him, &. that you think he's interesting???? to the point where you're here bc you saw one of my posts / my blog? IT'S TOO MUCH FOR MY LITTLE MIND TO WRAP AROUND <3 &. i could not be more humbled that you think that of me, i really truly appreciate all of our threads so much &. your writing is just so lovely &. i fucking adore everything we've done together. also please if you wanna ask me anything about him hmu <3 i'll talk all day if you need ahah. (ik ik sometimes i forget tumblr IM's exist) but IUHYGTFRDEDFGHUJIK YOU'RE TOO GOOD / NICE TO ME. thank you thank you thank you.. <3

[robitherat]

Loving the Brian Hours rn it's so good I love this man

But yeah it's very interesting how the Operator Sickness affects people, because it takes some of the most visceral parts of many different mental illnesses and hits those afflicted all at once. The seizures and amnesia are reminiscent of epilepsy, for example.

That's why, when Tim was in the hospital and he's explaining all this to Jay in entry 66? 67? He mentions that they "pinned almost every disorder they could on me at some point".

Operator Sickness has enough symptoms to where it's obvious there is something Fucking Wrong, but there isn't enough to pin it down in a concrete way, and it affects everyone differently, like how no two people will experience a regular mental illness in the same way.

Its very good writing tbh

RIGHT like honestly it feels very realistic in that so many disorders have so many overlapping symptoms and manifestations and presentations that all sort of run together to the point that determining what's what with any sort of definition is basically impossible. Like i know from my personal experience with some of the less debilitating end of the spectrum (not to diminish my own issues ofc but like. I have it pretty easy in terms of Mental Fucked Upedness.) that getting a definitive answer as to what, specifically, is wrong with my brain, and even after years of pretty intensive research both on my own and yknow. Doctors and shit doing theirs there is still SO MUCH brain that we don't understand and that includes ways that it can be fucked up !!!! And like idk maybe all of this sounds really doomer-ish or like fatalistic or whatever but honestly like I've said before neuorology is just so so so interesting to me and as much as I despise the pathologization of everything I also really really really think there is so much more to things than we will ever realize, and maybe for some people that means that we won't ever get specific answers or solutions to the problems people face, but I think that more than that it just means that we as a society and a culture need to work towards building better support systems for everyone without the need for a specific word to concisely explain all your problems to everyone who asks.

This Got very away from the original ask but genuinely the way that the Operator Sickness was written and the subtleties of it make me so so so happy as someone who has fixated on shit like this since like. 4th grade LOL

[rose-from-ashes]

By the way, I don't have the energy to go into my rules and add it now, but I'm adding two new, soft rules, not so much rules as "if I softblock and disappear after a while it might be due to this":

- If your blog is multifandom and contains a lot of content for fandoms I am not familiar with. I know this is hypocritical as I have a multifandom myself, but it's hard specifically with stuff like other final fantasy games on ffxiv blogs, where it's often treated as if I'm expected to know. This doesn't apply to any mutuals I currently have, I have some mutuals that are ENTIRELY fandoms I don't know, but for new mutuals, I may be reluctant to follow. This is NOT a dni, this is a "don't get your hopes up if you follow me because I really don't want to disappoint but by god my brain space is very little". Not super relevant, but it's happened once or twice.

- Much more relevant, I might softblock if I see a lot of takes that bring my mood down. This is NOT "if I disagree with you, you're out". You're allowed to disagree with me and most takes that conflict with mine are not ones that will upset me. But there are a couple that will due to me having severe rejection sensitive dysphoria. This rule is specifically about things that will almost invariably trigger that rsd.

Specifically, referring to Zenos as annoying frequently or saying you hate him will bother me as I read him as neurodivergent and desperately trying to find someone, anyone else who thought the same way he did- it hurts to see people dismiss him. They're allowed to, anyone is allowed to dislike any character, but my dash is my space, and it's okay for me to cultivate that space. A softblock from me is not a fuck you, it's a "it might be best for me to step away and that's not your fault.

The same follows for excessive criticism of Emet-Selch (you can criticize his actions. I promise you can. He's a dipshit and he sucks, criticizing that isn't what upsets me, it's when people call him overly emotional or incompetent or ugly, insults that are either subjective, patently false, or rooted in homophobia as I've discussed before), and claims that Hydaelyn was right to sunder the world or that the unsundered should just get over the trauma of losing everything and everyone they've ever known.

I know that it is irrational for me to get upset in the defense of fictional characters. Especially villains. But I am, unfortunately for everyone, actually literally diagnosed mentally ill, this is my space, and I want to feel safe and good here despite having symptoms of that mental illness, so I'm going to cater to those vulnerabilities until some of my emotional delicateness has passed (since I'm much worse than normal this year due to being physically ill as well). Before anyone gets nervous, none of my mutuals have upset me. It's just on my mind for unrelated reasons. Love you <3

[lary-the-lizard]

Can we please remember to tag posts that talk about traumatic things or common triggers? People with mental illnesses handle cope in a variety of ways, some by talking about the hard shit, some by reserving those topics for very specific situations where they have more control and I don’t want to make it more difficult for people that are open about their struggle to cope in the best way they know how. I am very open about my depression and some of my coping mechanisms but I for my own safety I have to be prepared for it and have a self care plan for after. I have BPD and CPTSD and anxiety and when suicide is mentioned even just as a short little joke or a stress release it is likely that I will have a fucking meltdown later or my brain will fixate on my suicide or if I suppress these urges it will show up in my dreams in the worst ways. It’s even worse when someone tells someone else to kill themself even if it’s a joke because my mental illness/trauma refuses to include this context. So please please please, tag your post so people like me don’t suffer the consequences for your joke because we wanted to see our mutuals’ post and interact with our fandoms.

[swampgallows]

the usual

im mad because im trying to read books again, specifically trying to pick up toxic parents and body keeps the score again so i can try and Help Myself basically now that im back in the limbo of having no therapist. but trying to concentrate on shit and hunker down and learn things when i know it’s good for me i swear it’s like a flashbang goes off in my brain and everything just whites out. ‘concentrate’ isnt even the right word for it because it’s like i cant even begin to get started. it’s like staring into the sun to even begin to think about stuff i guess, it’s all so overwhelming. i want so much about my life to change, so much, so badly, so drastically, but so much of it just doesnt feel feasible that it’s like ive implanted this mental block in my brain to even dream of change because it’s too caustic. 

that ‘autistic masking’ article about the boy who would build and paint his models at night then clean everything up so he left no trace of himself... i think about how much ive whittled myself down and have tried to take up very little space. how i dont play my music on speakers, dont draw anymore, basically only took up writing more because it was something that was between me and a notepad document and didnt take time the same way as drawing, and wasnt possible to immediately consume like a drawing (people grabbing my sketchbook and just flippantly turning the pages, skimming past drawings that took me hours in favor of minute long sketches, glancing at drawings that were supposed to express my deep feelings and having immediate reactions of disgust or ridicule)

i make kandi put it on a chain then put it away. it cant really go anywhere anyway, not like i’ll be attending raves again any time soon. i have no reason or place to wear my ‘fun clothes’ anymore. i wore what i thought was a cute outfit at christmas and even my immediate family had some shit to say about it. i wore a pair of stockings that ive had (and worn) since i was 14  years old. i wore them to my very first raver day at disneyland. and theyre surprised when i wear them now? like they havent seen them before????

even here i was about to say “i tire of myself” and close this window or hit post and stop here, but literally my blog is one of the only places i can actually express myself somewhere and send it out to a place where it’s seen. yeah i can write things down in my journal and ‘express myself’ there so that “personal stuff” isnt online but... i already do that. set up my models and paint them late at night, then put them away before anyone sees in the morning. djing only in my headphones at 4am, pulling them off periodically to make sure they arent too loud even through the headphones. lighting candles but opening the window so there isn’t “too much” scent. 

if im autistic or have adhd or some combination of the two, then my whole family is too and all undiagnosed (save for maybe my dad. i think he’s the closest one of us to being ‘normal’). i took that blorbo quiz and it asked “How would they describe themselves?” 

how would -i- describe myself? i dont know. people tell me im smart and funny. i think it’s because they cant think of anything nicer to say.

Part of me is still chasing the approval of all the world’s English teachers. Getting compliments on my writing makes me feel like my life matters. And I still struggle to ask for love and affection when a real, flesh and blood human is looking me in the face. It’s difficult for me to believe someone might care for me as an equal, and like things about me other than my intellect. I frequently have to remind myself I’m no longer a child, and don’t need approval of the “adults” anymore.

as long as im stuck living with my parents im going to perpetually be the child. it’s also really fucking frustrating knowing how ill prepared i am to live as an adult. even when i had a job i had to quit it so i didnt kill myself. i dont think just getting a job is the answer, though i know it’s a mandatory piece of the puzzle. ugh god

[tilliwriteapine]

So, my great friend and a childhood inspiration, Dave Griffin, reminded me that we have started Mental Illness Awareness month.

And I have multiple. Major Depression. Anxiety. Social Anxiety.

I have had anxiety since before I can remember. I would go to sleep away camp and wake up every morning and vomit. I would go away from my family or home and vomit every morning. I would later find out that this was a classic sign of anxiety. Thanks for giving me the deets, nursing school!

Depression hit me probably *during* nursing school, and I remember having a difficult time in college. Anxiety was also a huge factor. But I wasn't diagnosed with depression until post nursing school and I was living on my own and working my first full time job. I wasn't far from my parents (about an hour away, but in a very familiar area, Gladstone, OR), but my brain chemistry was definitely fucked up.

Got started on medication. I believe I changed medication right before I moved to North Dakota.

I upped the dose in ND, and even got a therapist because oh hey, I also had Social Anxiety. TERRIBLE social anxiety. It crippled my ability to really function outside of work (I have no idea how I kept my job. I am approachable to patients but not strangers on the street?!). I once went to Dairy Queen, ordered a basket, and got my food. Realized I didn't get my ice cream sundae. But instead of politely asking for what I paid for, I just couldn't. I literally fucking couldn't. And so I didn't get my ice cream. I remember talking to my therapist about that specific interaction and, while so kind and gracious, he was so confused on how I couldn't ask for what I had paid for. I was too 😅

It was during my 18 months in ND that I struggled, not just with social anxiety, but also my depression. While panic attacks are more anxiety driven, I believe they are also a sign of depression. And boy, did I suffer some intense panic attacks. I remember my first one ever - I had either been exercising or been doing something at the gym, got into my car, experienced some nerve wrecking thing, and broke down, crying and hyperventilating. I was a LITERAL disaster.

Shit didn't stop there. I also was severely suicidal. My therapist weekly would ask about this specific symptom, and if I had a means to harm myself. I never did, never had a plan. But I thought about it a little too much. Depression fucked with my brain so hard.

I tried finding a job more close to home - Seattle, back home in Portland - but was rejected countless times by places I greatly admired. I remember breaking down after a For King and Country concert, depressed I had spent my parents money to go home for three in person interviews and ended up with zero job offers. At that point I had put in my 4 weeks notice and was either moving home or moving somewhere.

I was graced with a job offer for PSL BMT in Denver, and my spirits lifted.

I have still struggled with Depression, but not as severely as it was in ND. I've changed my medication during this pandemic, and feel Wellbutrin is doing well.

medication is NOT the devil and it saved me from killing myself.

I still struggle, a TON, with anxiety. Especially recently. I am so uncertain about what I want to be happy and where I want to be in life. My crutch is school 😅 Go figure!

but I need whoever is reading this to know that mental illness is NOT a short coming of your failings. It is a disease of the brain. There are ways to manage mental illness: therapy, medications, cognitive behavioral techniques, books - everyone needs something fine tuned to THEM to walk through life functioning. There is situational issues, seasonal blocks, and other factors that may influence when and how a mental illness surfaces.

But please know you are LOVED, you are PRECIOUS, and you are VALUED!!!!

I am mentally ill. But mental illness does not control my life.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

[catamaurscards]

i am going to info dump about this world i made up in my brain and you will not stop me

okok so there's like gods in this world right. and of course they all have different things they are the god of. theres the god of life the god of love the god of water the god of chaos etc etc etc. theres also the god of blood which is the number one enemy of most other gods because uh. they dont like blood i guess i actually havent figured that out

and theyre constanrly at war. and the god of blood decided 'hey what if i did something reaaallyy fucked up' and shapeshifted (they can shapeshift btw) into the god of water and deceived the god of love and actually KILLED the god of water and the other gods were so angry they locked the god of blood up into a really tiny cube and blood god was stuck there for like 10000 years or something. they also replaced the god of water

alsoalso. there are like this other type of god. gods? idrk BUT they are actually like. a race of people. and they were born after the god of blood was locked up forever. this is what arcanes species is btw. they live on a star (?) and are made of lightr. collectively they are all the Light God which is pretty cool i think. with a specific god's permission one of these people can go through Divine Intervention and gain really really strong powers like that god. but the gods give this out verryyyy rarely to the people who deserve it in their eyes

tthey have a very specific way they name everything. its usually like [adjective] [some noun relating to light or the sun or times of day] (example: dazzling ray). there's also the Light Family which is not related to light from death note but they are basically descendants of the first people whcih. technically all of these people are descendants of the first people but ignore that. the light family is just special. the gods LOOOVEE them and give a teensy tiny bit of their power to everyone in that family. theyre also like really famous they are celebrities

anyway these light gods have 3 different colors of blood. pink blue and purple to honor the gods that fought in the war. they didnt Wanna include purple but that was just how it was. also they can't choose what color blood they have. oh yeah did i mention that these gods all have specific colors attached to them. the god of blood is actually purple. one could even say its tje one behind the slaughte (gunshots)

so the god of chaos decided to get a bit silly one day. and Kinda freed the god of blood but being locked up for 10000 years took so much out of them that they were a mere fraction of what they used to be. so they went to the star that the light gods live in and had to choose someone to basically parasite off of and hopefully return to their former power with. they could only choose people who had purple blood btw cuz uhh. spiritual connection or something idk

aaand this is where arcane comes in. the god of blood saw a mentally ill 8 year old and decidd yes. i can totally rewire this kids brain. and then convinced them to shoot their parent and then themselves and then move to another place and change their name and identity and long story short. they somehow managed to get adopted by the light family. their old name was prosperous hue btw (i know it doesnt really make sense but ANY adjective can be used. i think)

[dex-starr]

I admit it. I grew to need you. Far more than you realized, not that I’m ashamed of it. But I reached the point where I didn’t know how to function without you. I just wasn’t willing to say it out loud or show it. Part of my problem was I grew comfortable but not in the sense of like softening up to you, I grew comfortable not rocking the boat. When I met you, when I decided to be with you — when I admitted my feelings to you I decided to become a person who rocks the boat to get what they want. It’s why I pushed, because I had strong feelings I didn’t expect to have. Those kept growing. Somewhere in there something made me complacent in the wrong way. Something scared me or maybe multiple things did and I was reminded of losing things that are precious to me. So I played it safe, I played it so safe it frustrated you to no end. It was an unfair thing to do when our dreams and goals were put very clearly.

Regardless of whatever crisis I’m having — identity wise, career wise, mental illness wise — I didn’t do what I intended to do and that caused a lot of hurt on both ends. Too much to repair maybe. It’s funny — I still feel that drive in me somewhere. I feel that cockiness and assuredness that kept on emerging in me because of you and because I wanted to be with you. I needed you and that was absolutely fine — but I wasn’t letting that occur because I was afraid to put this responsibility on you. That was kind of dumb of me I mean I was supposed to rely on you and didn’t let myself do that. I could still be all these other things but show you the parts no one else sees. But I just lost myself a bit, I mean I’m still kind of lost. Illness made it hard to be me because I was physically miserable to the point it affected my mind and quality of life. My depression was out of control — that’s better now. But man my ADHD is wild and I see the problems it causes. I see how contentious I can be, I don’t need to be that to you or someone who gets that close. I’ll still be like that with the rest of the world most likely. It’s difficult to rewrite almost two decades of shitty experiences.

God I think I can be so fucking great sometimes. When I ride that wave I do things that make people happy and proud and I love it. But when I’m misguided I hurt everyone and lose the things I care for the most. When I get scared I pull away and it seems like I don’t care, but I do I just don’t want to fuck it up even more. That little unhinged don’t give a fuck go for it part of me wants to risk again but very specifically. It’s kind of pointless to though, like you’re not seeing this. You’d doubt what I’d say and what I would do. You have good reasons to, I don’t have a great track record but it’s not horrid. The problem is it’s my word fighting against the wiring of my brain there. CBT helps some but man I need medication. I need it so bad. Not being able to get it due to shortages is killing me.

I can only ride the good hyper-focus and hyper-fixations for so long, it’s much different than what I felt about being together bc like yeah there were a lot of things that sucked about distance. Too many things. Too many things I couldn’t explain well enough. Too many things I didn’t have answers about, too many things that got dropped for reasons I didn’t even know why I was doing it. I was really trying to be good though, I was trying to be good husband material it’s just hard man I don’t have good examples. I learn through trial and so much error. I have reached here, this person I have because of error. Because of the errors I was so afraid to tell you of, the errors I still needed to break. I know I’m good — I could be better and improve a lot but I at least know this.

The only things I can point at that may be bad are my anger at the world and contentiousness because of it. I’m abrasive when I want to be, I don’t fucking care when I want to. I can be spiteful but not act on it. I can be so many bad things. I can let you down so much as a person that is a harsh truth that I have accepted because I want to work on these things. I need to do accept them in order to work on it.