#my friend asked why she was more scared of coraline than the movies it or us that we watched earlier

[songbird-is-crying]

i am really letting the fact that neil gaiman has liked 2 of my posts go to my head

and told my friends who are dressing as wybie and coraline for halloween that the author knows i exist

watched coraline for spooky’s sake and cheered when neil’s name came on screen

i am so delusional

but delusion every now and again is a good thing. it’s those unachievable but yet not impossible dreams of becoming a famous author and meeting neil gaiman and telling him this bonkers story of tumblr posts and shitposting that keep us going when the burden of being alive become too heavy sometimes.

[luvangelbreak]

watching a horror movie with Chris, and every time you get scared you hide your face in his chest!!! And he’s just rubbing your back the whole time comforting uu

Safe

christopher sturniolo x alice reyna (female!oc)

summary: alice has the bright idea to watch a horror movie to prove she’s not a scaredy-cat to her best friend chris. unfortunately for her, it backfires and chris gets his point proven. warnings: swearing, fluff (sm fluff my god), mentions of panic and dolls? word count: 1.2k a/n: ik the request said “you” but for those who haven’t read my pinned, i cannot bring myself to write w y/n so i use oc’s as a replacement. i hope that y’all will like this one tho i love chris fluff sm (this is also so funny bc chris is the biggest scardey-cat out of the triplets)

not proofread!!

I don’t know why I thought it would be a good idea to convince Chris to watch Annabelle Comes Home with me, I couldn’t sit through any horror movie without screaming my head off like a little kid. Chris didn’t like them either but because of a stupid bet and neither of us never backing down from a challenge, we agreed to watch one.

“I bet you can’t sit through a whole horror movie without crying into my shoulder,” Chris challeneged, a daring look in his eye and I scoffed at him.

“I could say the same for you, scaredy-cat. You can’t even watch Coraline without pissing your pants,” I pointed an accusing finger at him and he gasped, throwing his hands to his chest dramatically.

“I was 9 when that happened. That does not count you asshole!” he retorted, shoving my shoulder in protest.

After an hour of arguing about who would get more scared, the bet was made. Whoever gets scared first loses and has to pay up the $20.

We sat down on Chris’s bed, the darkness of the room making the movie seem more eerie than usual, the only light being emitted from the TV. We were only 15 minutes into the movie and not much had happened yet but it didn’t stop my shoulders from tensing in anticipation.

“You’re so losing this bet,” Chris taunted me and I looked over to see him completely relaxed with a beanie on his head, covers over his torso and arms behind his head as he smirked at me, “You already look like you’re about to shit yourself.”

“I look like this when I watch any movie,” I lied through my teeth, holding my head high as I unwrapped my arms from around my legs, letting my knees fall away from my chest as I fiddled with the hem of Chris’s hoodie that I stole since I forgot my own.

“Mhm,” he hummed unconvincingly and I rolled my eyes, ignoring his taunts as my eyes focused back on the screen. I could feel his eyes burning into the side of my head as I continued waiting for a jumpscare at any given moment.

“It’s cheating if you’re just watching me the whole time and not the movie,” I mumbled, not looking away from the screen as I bit my lip nervously.

“Who’s gonna call you out when you get scared then?” he retorted quickly and I leaned my hand over his torso, smacking him in the chest causing him to let out a huff.

“Watch the goddamn movie, Christopher,” I grumbled, regretting my decision of agreeing to this bet in the first place. As the movie continued, I jumped at the small jumpscares and I heard Chris chuckle.

"You know you've already lost?" he asked rhetorically and I nodded, sliding into him as my fear started to show. With a snicker, he lifted his arm as I wrapped my arms around his torso, cuddling into his side to hide my face from the jumpscares of the movie.

"Why didn't we pick a movie without dolls? They're like my worst fear," I mumbled and Chris began tracing circles on my back with his thumb, distracting me from the movie slightly.

"Because I wanted to win," he said and I could hear the smile in his voice making me shake my head, a sour expression covering my face.

"You're an asshole," I mumbled, hiding my face in his hoodie when another jumpscare appeared on screen but I was now determined to get through the whole movie at the very least.

"You love me," he retorted, being unphased by the movie now that he was amused that he won the bet and I looked up at him, flicking his forehead with my finger before resuming my place on his chest.

"I hate you actually. This was not a fair movie to put on," I grumbled, my anxiety spiking as the movie progressively got more terrifying. Chris could sense my terror as he pulled me tighter against him and I yelped when another jumpscare appeared on the screen.

"Ali, we can turn it off if you want," he said softly and I stubbornly shook my head, eyes still trained on the screen.

"I want to get through the whole movie. There's only thirty minutes left," I announced and he hummed, an unsure tone behind the sound as I gripped onto his hoodie like he was going to slip away from me at any given moment.

The last 30 minutes of the movie felt like it lasted forever as I gripped onto Chris for dear life but soon enough the movie came to an end and I let out a breath of relief.

"Alright, twenty on my Venmo thanks," Chris ruffled my hair as I sat up before I swatted his hand away, annoyed that he was so amused by my fear as I frowned at him.

"I'm not going home," I deadpanned and his eyebrows furrowed, an amused smile on his lips.

"Why?" he questioned, adjusting his sweatpants before sitting up further and I knelt back onto my heels.

"Because I'll have a fucking panic attack if I sleep alone tonight. I'm gonna be seeing dolls all across my room for the next week!" I exclaimed and he shook his head, a smile plastered on his face still.

"You're so dramatic," he laughed and I let my body slump back further till my back hit the bed making me sigh loudly. My mind kept flashing of the jumpscares in the movie making my anxiety spike once again and I think Chris noticed because he leaned forward, placing a hand on my knee.

"This was such a bad idea," I mumbled, my breathing becoming more shallow the more I thought about it and I looked up to see Chris's demeanour change, now softening at my genuine fear.

"Come here," he opened his arms and I sat up before sliding forward on my stomach, placing my head on his stomach as he ran a hand through my hair to calm me, "It's okay. Nothing gonna hurt you. It's all made up, remember?"

"I know," I mumbled against his hoodie, the feeling of having him close to me bringing me a sense of calm again, "I just really hate horror movies."

"It wasn't fair to put Annabelle on. I'm sorry," he said softly making me look up to see an apologetic expression covering his face.

"Does that mean you will let me watch a movie with your biggest fear?" I asked with a smile and he gave me a confused look as I reached over him, grabbing the remote before flicking through the movies on Netflix.

I found one of my favourite movies, putting it on before Chris groaned, throwing his head back onto the headboard.

"Are you serious? Ten Things I Hate About You?" he groaned and I laughed, nodding as I looked up at him.

"You're biggest fear. A relationship," I twinkled my hands in front of his face, shaking my voice to make it sound more spooky and he swatted my hand away.

"You're lucky I feel bad for you right now or I'd knock you out," he threatened and I rolled my eyes in response, placing my head back on his stomach as his hand returned to my hair.

“I’m terrified,” I mumbled sarcastically as I smiled against the cloth of his hoodie and I practically hear him rolling his eyes.

He continued massaging my scalp and playing with my hair as I focused my attention on the movie instead of the terrifying thoughts in my head. Soon enough, Chris's soothing motions and the familiar movie sent me into a slumber as I held Chris against me closely.

tags:

@dsturniolo @sturniolopepsi @chrissturnioloswifesblog @chrisstankyleg @lov3bug @stunza @pinklittleflower @v1nuswrites @trinity2058 @alorsxsturn

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for talking about fnaf to my little cousin?

so fnaf is one of my (im 21) special interests for a while. my little cousin (age 7) has been mentioning it lately, because he heard about it from kids at school. Because of this i've ended up telling him about a lot of the lore and stuff, and trying to explain things to him. Additionally, he asks me questions about fnaf, and I do my best to explain it to him. I also sometimes watch fnaf videos with him.

My mom says i shouldn't do this because he gets scared easily by stuff, and his mom doesn't really like him to see scary stuff. My mom says I shouldnt tell him about fnaf or show him stuff from fnaf.

Both my mom and his mom will go out of their way to hide scary things from him like halloween monster pictures. Part of this is because he got kind of scared of opening doors due to the Doors game on roblox. He is too scared to sleep in his room alone and always sleeps in his mom's bed because he is scared of the dark and has nightmares sometimes. And he wasn't allowed to watch any youtube on halloween because of possibly seeing scary stuff. They think that the scary stuff is what made him scared of the dark and have nightmares, and not be able to sleep in his room alone.

In my opinion, I don't *think* im doing anything wrong, because when I was a kid, fnaf came out, and plenty of kids were into it, and have been ever since. And ever since fnaf, theres been many things inspired by it that kids like. Like poppy playtime and Rainbow Friends and all that. I also loved horror and creepy stuff as a kid. I liked creepypasta, but I can relate to being scared by some of that stuff. As a kid I was really really terrified by the rake creepypasta.

Also in my opinion I think he knows and understands his own limits, because one time we were watching a fnaf video, and he seemed to think the video was too scary and wanted to stop watching it. So we stopped watching it and did something else. And he seemed fine after we stopped didnt seem scared or upset after that. I also feel like in my opinion, explaining the lore to him makes it *less* scary, because he's understanding the "how and why". however because the fnaf lore does involve child death i see how it could be bad for him to learn about it.

He seems to enjoy it though, I'm not forcing it on him and he loves to ask me questions about it, and is excited whenever he comes over to talk about it. Also we've played things together before that are "scary" like baldis basics, and then also a minecraft backrooms game which actually ended up scaring me more than him!

Basically though Am i the asshole for basically going against what my mom and his mom think he should be doing? I can see how his mom especially might think i could be crossing a line because of what she wants for her child. Obviously his mom might know him better because he is her child after all. And because of my autism I don't really understand childcare and childraising. And it is hard for me to understand their perspective. I am still very childlike and dependent on my parents so I don't have a fully formed adult perspective yet I dont think.

But at the same time I almost feel that she is being sheltering, because I've noticed its common for kids to like this sort of thing, and its not always necessarily a bad thing. Because also theres scary movies like coraline but are geared for kids. (My little cousin didnt like coraline, thought it was scary, but thats just an example.)

I feel like also they should trust him more. He seems to know what is too much. Because he is vocal to say what is too scary for him. He seems to be able to set boundaries about it, because he will say that he doesnt want to play a minecraft game that is too scary, or watch a video that is too scary. I'm also rarely the one to pick the games or videos we play, it's his own interest.

Fnaf has been something we both really enjoy, and to me that is special when we get to enjoy something together. I of course still often play with him when its something only he is interested in, but not always. The times I don't play with him are when I'm doing something relating to one of my other special interests and I can't handle being interrupted. Which makes him sad that I can't play but he does understand that because of my autism that it would be difficult on me to stop my activity. I really like that he is into fnaf now because that means its something that I can enjoy for special interest reasons and he gets to hang out and play with me.

But AITA because this is against his mom's wishes?

What are these acronyms?

[babymetaldoll]

DIWK: Chapter eleven: "Can't get you off my mind"

|Word count:  9,7K

Summary:  Reader struggles with her feelings for Spencer and tries to work with Seaver. Neither of those things works. Spencer's headaches are getting worse. Also, it's Anderson's birthday! Things are getting a little more complicated.

Warnings:  Hardcore fools in love. It's getting painful to watch. Spoilers of Criminal Minds Season 6 Episode 11. 25 to life. Cursing, and frustration. Alcohol consumption. Assholes being blind.

A/N: Please don't hate me! but these two are just so blind, it hurts!

Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

Spencer's point of view

Psychotics in a break always evolve. Well, I was psychotic at that minute of my life, but the only things evolving were my migraines. They were driving me insane. I could feel them taking over my life, my head, my sanity. I could feel my good judgment slipping through my fingers every day, especially since (Y/N) had started acting strange.

It wasn't like she had stopped talking to me or hanging out with me. But I could feel a void growing between us every day. And it was driving me insane. I couldn't understand where it had come from. I just knew it was eating me alive.

Morgan was having a bad day. One really bad day. The man he had vouched for parole had just murdered a man after nearly 70 hours of freedom, and now the team was trying to solve the whole case. Don Sanderson claimed he had been framed guilty of the murder of his wife and baby daughter, but after 25 years in prison, the first thing he did as a free man was to murder someone else.

It made no sense.

We had visited the murder scene. Hotch was still on a leave, so it was just Prentiss, (Y/N), Morgan, Rossi, Seaver, and I. Emily was in full "training agent's duty," walking Seaver through every step of the procedure, which was very nice of her. It was her first case after the incident in New Mexico, and she was eager to do better work than that time. She was nearly jumping all over the place, taking notes.

I talked with Garcia on the phone because he was worried about Morgan, and then I walked to (Y/N), who kept a safe distance from Emily and Seaver.

- "The bullets were in the other room, but the gun is right here,"- I said as I looked around the room. (Y/N) turned to me, ready to speak her mind, but Ashley spoke first, which annoyed her beyond belief.

- "Maybe killing him was an accident."

I looked at my best friend as Prentiss and Ashley continued talking. She just crossed her arms and walked around the room. She surely wasn't dealing well with having Seaver around. I wanted to ask her something, anything, but nothing came to mind.

- "Sanderson was out of prison for what, Reid?"- I answered Emily's question but didn't even turn to look at her. My eyes were following (Y/N), moving around that room.

- "At the time of the murder, 51 hours."

- "He's free for 2 days and change? What's the big hurry to find this guy?"

- "Are you ok?"- I whispered and stood next to (Y/N) as Prentiss and Ashley kept analyzing the scene.

- "Yeah, just tired."

- "Do you wanna have dinner with me tonight? I didn't see you this weekend, and I thought we could do a movie night."

(Y/N) took her time to answer, but finally, after a moment, she nodded and agreed.

- "Movie night sounds nice."

- "Great, ‘cos I rented your favorites."- I might have sounded more excited than I should, but I had really missed her those days, and I may or may not have watched and read Pride and Prejudice a couple of times.

- "Did you? Really?"

- "Yes, I was hoping to spend some time with you."

- "Are you coming, Spence?"- Seaver interrupted us and looked from the door- "Rossi called. They are interviewing Sanderson at the BAU."

- "Yeah, we are coming,"- I answered and looked away. (Y/N) shook her head and walked outside in silence the second Prentiss called my name, and I couldn't follow her. Which, I guess, was a good thing.

- "Is everything ok?"- Emily stayed behind with me. She raised an eyebrow, watching (Y/N) walking out of the room as Ashley waited for us by the door.

- "Yes?"- my answer came more as a question because I honestly didn't know what to say- "Everything is ok, Emily."

- "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I have the feeling (Y/N) isn't thrilled to have agent Seaver around."- I almost chuckled at her words and just nodded.

- "It's not like she has made it hard to tell. She literally yelled at her at the jet."

- "Is she mad at me because I am supervising her training?"

- "I don't know. I don't think so… she hasn't told me so. Well, she hasn't talked to me much lately."

- "Why? Did you fight?"- Prentiss wide opened her eyes and moved a little closer to me, trying to read my expressions.

- "No, I don't know what's going on. She just… we…"- I couldn't find the right words to explain my mind, and I think Prentiss knew it, ‘cos she didn't push me.

- "You should talk to her."

- "Yeah, we are going out tonight."

- "You have a date?"- Ashley walked over and asked me with a short smile. I cleared my throat and shook my head right away.

- "No, just meeting with a friend."

- "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to intrude,"- Seaver blushed and looked at her shoes. Prentiss smiled, probably reading something I wasn't seeing.

- "Come on, Rossi is probably waiting for us at the BAU, and I'm guessing Morgan is not in a good mood."

For the rest of the day, I tried to find a moment alone with (Y/N). I needed to talk about what was going on. But it was impossible. We worked late, rereading the original case files, trying to find something that might help us help Sanderson. But it was frustrating and nearly impossible.

So around nine, we decided to call it a day and go home.

- "Are you in the mood for Chinese?"- I looked at (Y/N), gathering all the things as I stood next to her desk- I thought maybe we could get some take-out from that place you love on our way home.

- "Sounds nice. What are we watching?"

- "Pride and Prejudice, Coraline, maybe Beetlejuice. You pick, I've got all your favorites,"- (Y/N) narrowed her eyes, looking at me in silence- "What?"

- "So you rented movies ‘cos you wanted to hang out with me?"

- "Yes."

- "You usually don't rent movies. You rent documentaries."

- "Yes, but I wanted to do something different this time. I told you I missed you."

(Y/N) blushed as she stood in front of me, biting the inner part of her cheek, trying not to smile. I looked at her, nearly beaming, excited to see her reaction. I had felt so scared to lose her, feeling her pushing away from me. It was a balm watching her so happy, and just because I missed her.

- "I love Pride and Prejudice,"- Ashley said from her desk- "I've read that book so many times, I think I can recite it."

I looked at her and nodded with an awkward smile. I knew she was just trying to be nice ‘cos she was new at the BAU, and she was also trying to be nicer to (Y/N), to get on her good side. But that wasn't the way to get to her. Maybe I had to talk to Seaver and explain that my best friend is a special woman.

Neither of us answered her comment. We just stood there, looking at her in silence, until Anderson walked over and waved.

- "Hey agents, before you go, I wanted to tell you, this Friday I'm celebrating my birthday, and I'd love to have you over."

- "Of course, Sonny!"- (Y/N) wide opened her eyes and clapped. She had called him "Sonny" since they sang "I got you babe" by Sonny and Cher in the karaoke at the Christmas party the year before.

- "Happy birthday, Anderson!"- Derek waved.

- "Thank you! We'll gather at a bar nearby. I'll text you the address."

- "We wouldn't miss it for the world,"- Prentiss added and smiled- "Do you mind if we tell JJ and Garcia?"

- "Please do! I haven't seen JJ since she left, and it would be amazing to have her over. You too, agent Seaver."

- "Thank you!"- Ashley smiled and nodded- "Count me in."

I could feel (Y/N)'s eyes rolling, annoyed, even when I wasn't even looking at her at that minute. I grabbed my bag and my coat and held her hand.

- "Bye, guys! See you tomorrow!"- that was all I said as I dragged her out of the bullpen. Emily waved at us, and Derek cut me an evil grin I could decode easily. I just ignored him and turned to the door.

- "Have fun, pretty girl!!"- Morgan chuckled at his own words, and (Y/N) just smiled and winked. Why? Probably to show him she didn't care about all his teasing, ‘cos nothing was ever going to happen between us.

(Y/N)'s point of view

It might have been childish, but I had to take advantage of Morgan's innuendo just to show Seaver things could happen between Spencer and me. It had been immature and silly, but I just felt like I needed to do it. It was like a stupid animal instinct that forced me to mark my territory.

I shouldn't have done it. Spencer wasn't mine. Not even close. And I had to stop being jealous of Seaver. If he didn't want me, he had the right to be with anyone else. But just the thought of Spencer being with someone, anyone, made me feel sick in my stomach. I hated being in love with him. I honestly did, ‘cos I didn't want to ruin our friendship with useless feelings. Spencer wasn't in love with me. He was just my friend. My very thoughtful, cute, adorable, and lovable best friend.

I was fucked. Completely and utterly fucked. Even that second, sitting on that couch with Spencer, I couldn't focus on the movie. I pretended, but I didn't even pay attention to it. All I could think of was how warm his body felt sitting next to me, like a gigantic magnet that called for me. I could simply just move my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine. Or lean in closer, rest my head on his shoulder, feel how he wraps an arm around me, and melt in his embrace, like I had done a million times before.

But I couldn't. I had to stop that daydream of a domestic and romantic life with Spencer. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't sane. But most of all: I wasn't real. And I was never going to move forward in life if I kept thinking those movie nights meant something.

- "More popcorn?- Spencer handed me the bowl, and I shook my head- "You have been awfully quiet considering we are watching Coraline."

- "Well, we are supposed to watch the movie in silence,"- I answered and didn't take my eyes from the screen.

- "You have never done that."

- "Maybe I wanted to give it a try."

I grabbed a bunch of popcorn just to keep myself busy. I could feel Spencer's eyes on me, and it was killing me ‘cos I knew I didn't have to look at him. If I did, I wasn't sure how I would react. I was overthinking everything and anything you might think of.

- "Are you ok?"

- "Yeah. Sure."

No, I wasn't.

- "(Y/N), can you look at me?"- Spencer paused the movie and turned to me. I hesitated, thinking my best friend is an amazing profiler, and I didn't want him to know how I felt about him ‘cos it didn't want to ruin our friendship.

After a few seconds, I moved on the couch and raised an eyebrow. His brown eyes stared into mine in silence for a moment, trying to read me.

- "What is going on?"

- "Nothing,"- I lied and frowned- "Why are you so obsessed with the idea something is going on?"

- "‘Cos I have this… feeling."

- "You got a feeling?"- I chuckled, trying to be funny but failing completely. In the end, I just stared into his eyes for what seemed to be a million years but were, in fact, just a few seconds.

- "Are we ok?"

- "Of course, we are, Spencer."

- "You never call me that"- he frowned immediately, almost hurt.

- "What?"

- "You just call me Spencer when we are on a case, and there are people around us. But when we are home, I'm never Spencer to you."

"When we are home." That killed me. I hadn't realized how badly I wanted that to be our home, to have a life with Spencer.

I was in love with my best friend. I was spending every single hour of every single day of my life with him. That wasn't right! If I knew he didn't have feelings for me, why was I doing that to myself?

- "(Y/N)?"- Spencer's voice took me from my thoughts. He looked so worried I didn't know how to convince him there wasn't anything wrong, considering it felt like everything was wrong.

- "What is it?"

- "Please tell me what's wrong."

- "I told you, nothing is wrong. I just called you Spencer. That's your name. It's a lovely name. I had never met someone called Spencer ever before in my entire life. You just called me (Y/N), not pumpkin, cupcake, chipmunk, or ma chère,"- he sighed, frustrated and maybe a little annoyed.

- "Nothing is wrong, honey. I'm really ok. Just tired, maybe feeling a little invaded with Seaver in the team"- I knew he knew I hated her, so I had to blame her in a way.

- "Why?"

- "You know I'm not her fan... I hate working with her,"- I kind of chuckled at my own words because I was trying to make a joke out of my awful reality.

- "It's just for a few weeks,"- he tried to reassure me, probably to ease my mood, but the truth was I hated how it always felt like he was defending her.

- "One week, one day, it's the same torture,"- I shook my head and turned to the screen again.

- "Don't be dramatic."

- "I'm not dramatic! I just hate how she is always playing the victim ‘cos her father is a serial killer. She is clearly overcompensating! Besides, we have all gone through bad shit in our lives, and no one is using it as a tool to get things in life."

- "I don't think that's what she is doing."

- "No? Do you think she belongs at the BAU? She is a trainee agent who almost got killed in her first assignment. She works hard, and she is not stupid, I give you that. But she is not top of her class. She is not there ‘cos she is the brightest. She is there ‘cos Rossi, Hotch, and probably Prentiss felt bad for her after what happened and decided to let her hang around and learn something for a while. If you ask me, I think there are more qualified trainee agents we could use in the team, but Seaver played her "my father was a serial killer" card and got the job. And who knows how many times she had done it before, and how many times she will use it again."

Ok, that may or may not have been too hard, but it was exactly how I felt. There was a deep silence in Spencer's apartment. The movie was still paused, and after my speech, Spencer just looked at me with wide-opened eyes. I just sighed and regretted every word that had left my lips ‘cos they made me sound bitter and shallow. But at least they didn't tell him the truth: that I was jealous of the thought Seaver might get his attention. Scared that he could look at her the way he had never looked at me. Just to imagine I could bump into them kissing terrified me.

- "Maybe I should just go home,"- I whispered and tried to stand up, but Spencer grabbed my arm and pulled me back onto the couch.

- "No, please. Stay,"- his voice was a whisper but still managed to shake me.

- "I don't wanna argue with you, honey,"- I thought I would speak too loud, but no, I actually murmured, matching his tone of voice.

- "We don't have to talk about Seaver anymore. Just watch the movie with me. You love this movie."

- "You love this book,"- I added and looked at him. He smiled. God, that smile is going to be the end of me.

- "It's just so dark! But it has such a good message."

- "Not all nice people are good people?"- I just spoke about what the book had meant to me ever since I was a little girl, and Spencer analyzed the whole plot again in less than a minute.

- "I was going to say overcoming your fears, but I like your analysis the most."

- "Of course, you do, ‘cos it's better,"- I teased and stuck out my tongue to him. Spencer just stared at me and nodded.

- "You might be right. Yours is much better,"- he kept his eyes on me for a few more seconds and continued smiling until he snapped from his thoughts- "More tea, ma chère?"

- "No, honey, thank you. I'm good."

I cut him a quick smile and sat back on the couch, trying to relax. I knew it was going to be impossible, but I honestly didn't want to leave. I wanted to be with him. I had stayed home alone the whole weekend, hidden underneath a pile of blankets, in something that looked pretty much like a fort, according to Lu's words. She had stayed with me Saturday night ‘cos I told her I needed a girl's night. It was my poor attempt to stay away from Reid, and she was happy to help.

Ok, Lu didn't know I wanted to stay away from Reid. I just told her I needed a girl's night. I really didn't want to deal with all her questions. You have the right to avoid dealing with your feelings from time to time if you can. And I told Spencer Lu wasn't feeling so good, so I wanted to spend some time with her. He sounded disappointed ‘cos he was making plans for our weekend off but understood completely I needed to be with my friend.

See? Spencer made it so easy falling in love with him! He was so thoughtful it freaking hurt!

I couldn't fight the feeling anymore and rested my head on his shoulder. It felt he was waiting for me to make that move, ‘cos in a few seconds, his arm was wrapped around me protectively.

- "I know Lu needed you, but you missed a whole weekend of cuddling on this couch watching your favorite movies with me,"- Spencer whispered, bumping his head carefully against mine. I bit my lips and smiled, not taking my eyes away from the screen.

- "We do this pretty often"- that was all I could answer.

- "At least once a week for the last… thirteen-month two weeks, and… four days."

- "I love how precise you can be when it comes to our friendship, honey."

Calling it a friendship hurt me at that point, but it was what it was. Spencer chuckled and just nodded. We enjoyed our company in silence for a moment. His fingers drawing figures on my arm and my head resting on his shoulder, letting his smell invade me. It was heaven.

We were finally watching the movie… though what I really wanted was to watch a movie with Spencer instead of actually watching it. But that was the nature of our relationship. We were friends. Friends don't watch movies.

- "No way,"- I argued when his cellphone rang and interrupted our moment- "Please tell me we don't have a case."

- "We don't,"- he quickly answered and picked up the phone- "Hello? Hi… it's ok, tell me"- he didn't stand up or moved from me. He kept holding me tight against his body and finished his call by simply saying.

- "We can meet tomorrow at seven at work. I can help you with your test."- I hated those words immediately.

- "It's not a problem, see you tomorrow. Bye."

I was afraid to ask ‘cos I knew the answer. The knot on my stomach was the fair warning of what had just happened. That bitch had ruined our moment yet again.

- "What are you doing tomorrow at seven?"- I did my best to sound as casual as possible, but I knew that conversation might not end well. He hesitated. I could nearly hear his neurons struggling to find the correct answer to that question. Until he simply whispered:

- "Please don't get mad."

- "Why would I?"

- "‘Cos Ashley just called to ask me to help her study for a test…"

I took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds, doing my best to calm myself down at least a little before speaking.

- "I'm not mad, Spencer,"- I tried to lie as smoothly as possible. I even cut him a smile and looked into his hazel and confused eyes.

- "I know you don't like her, but I had offered to help in case she needed any… what?"

- "I'm not mad, really,"- I smiled again and turned to the screen- "We said we were not going to argue, and besides, she just called to ask you for help. That's not something to be mad about, right?"

Technically I wasn't mad. I was beyond furious.

- "Are you sure?"- he narrowed his eyes, baffled- "Not that I want you to be mad or something, but we just argued over her, and you said you felt invaded by her… so…"

- "Yes, but I don't wanna argue anymore. I don't want you to think I hate Seaver because I don't. And most of all, I don't want her to be the reason we fight. I don't wanna fight with you. Ever."

Spencer sighed, relieved, and smiled, pleased with my answer.

Spencer's point of view

Something felt off the following day when I walked into the bullpen and saw Ashley waiting for me by my desk with two cups of coffee. (Y/N) had said everything was ok, and I decided I wanted to believe her. But I had an awful feeling about everything that was going on.

- "Hi!"- Ashley smiled and handed me a cup- "Figured you might appreciate one of these for making you wake up earlier."

- "Thank you"- I smiled awkwardly and held the cup- "Are you ready?"

- "Yes, I brought all the notes from the class and my books…"- she set them on her desk and giggled as I went through her notes, sipping my cup- "I feel back in high school…"

- "Why?"

- "I wasn't the best student back then, and I always had to ask my classmates for help,"- I couldn't help but think of something (Y/N) had said the night before.

- "And are you a good student at the academy?"

- "Yes, I think. I'm not in the top three of my class, but I have good grades. I'm just not… a genius, like you."

Her eyes lingered on my face, and her cheeks blushed after a few seconds. I frowned, not getting why she was embarrassed. Was it just ‘cos she didn't have the same honorifics as I did?

- "I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified,"- I simply answered, remembering how many times in my life I had ever said something like that. Way too many, to be honest.

It was hard to focus on the subject when Seaver kept asking me personal questions every five minutes. She seemed more interested in knowing about my childhood in Las Vegas than learning about profiling and victimology.

- "Good morning, kids!"- I turned around and smiled at Morgan, so glad to see him I might have actually felt a little relieved- "What are you doing here so early?"

- "Hey! I was just helping Ashley with her test,"- I stood up and walked from her desk over his- "And about you?"

- "I have a meeting with Strauss in a while, and Sanderson's case didn't let me sleep. It was better to come here and start working than to keep on rolling on my bed. But I'm glad you are here. Wanna help me go through a few extra files?"

- "Of course!"- I left the notes I was holding on the closest desk and walked with Morgan to the conference room.

I considered our session with Seaver finished, mostly ‘cos for the last ten minutes, she had been asking about me. What I liked doing outside the BAU, favorite bands, hobbies, anything. I answered her questions and kept trying to push her to study. I didn't want her to blame me if she failed her test.

- "Hey, kid."- Morgan whispered after a few minutes and took a look around, just to make sure no one else was near. I looked at him confused ‘cos he was never that careful to say anything in the office.

- "Is everything ok?"

- "Yes?"- I answered, though it sounded like a question ‘cos I wasn't sure what he was talking about.

- "Are you excited to have Seaver on the team for the next month?"- I shrugged and kept reading the file in my hands- "Come on, Reid. She is clearly sweet to you."

- "I don't know what you are talking about."

- "She has a crush on you, kid."

- "No, she doesn't!"

- "Come on! Are you blind?"- I stared at Morgan, not getting what he was talking about- "Man, Seaver gives you loving eyes even when we are on the field!"

- "She does not!"- I knew I was blushing. I hated those kinds of conversations, and Morgan always made me feel awkward when he hinted I should flirt with a girl or just talk to them.

- "And I would appreciate it if you didn't say anything like that ever again."

- "What's the matter, kid? You don't think she is pretty?"

- "I don't look at her that way!"- I buried my head in a file and tried not to notice how he scanned my whole face, looking for micro expressions.

- "I see. Are you afraid (Y/N) might get jealous?"- Morgan chuckled at his words and tapped on my back a few times, making me flinch- "Relax, man. I'm just kidding!"

- "I don't like those jokes, Derek. Really."

Morgan kept his eyes on me a little longer and nodded. I did my best not to show how I really felt, but somehow, I failed miserably.

- "You know, kid, it would be much easier if you just told (Y/N) how you feel about her,"- Derek's voice was soft and even more concerned than I thought he could be. I nearly shook when I heard him, so I failed my mission of remaining stoic.

- "Reid, it's ok. There's nothing wrong with having feelings for her."

- "I don't… like talking about this,"- I whispered and closed the file- "Can we just focus on work, please?"- Derek nodded and stayed quiet for a few seconds. But I knew he wasn't done yet.

- "Reid, listen. I know you are not really fond of sharing how you feel with us, I know you share almost everything that happens in your life with (Y/N), and as your friend, I've always felt glad and relieved to know you have her. But if there's something you can't tell her, and you need to talk to someone, you can count on me. You know that, right?"

I nodded and looked at him. That conversation took me back to the year I was using and had to keep it secret from my friends. I knew I could count on Morgan if anything happened, but I really wasn't comfortable sharing my thoughts, feelings, and fears with people. (Y/N) made it so easy. Was it ‘cos I loved her? I just always felt I could tell her anything. That had never happened to me before with anyone.

- "Morgan, Strauss was looking for you,"- Rossi walked into the room holding a cup of coffee and stared at us, raising an eyebrow- "Everything ok?"

- "Yes, we were just going through some files,"- Morgan stood up and grabbed the case folder- "I'll be right back."

- "I'll finish reading all these,"- I said and pointed at the box filled with more files. Morgan nodded and walked away.

- "Do you need any help?"- Seaver walked over that second and smiled at me. I stood up and shook my head.

- "Thanks, but I'm basically done. I'll just go make myself another cup of coffee."

- "I'll go with you!"- she smiled and waited for me by the door. Rossi looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I just cut him a straight smile and walked to the kitchenette, followed closely by Ashley.

(Y/N) walked into the bullpen that minute. I watched her as she opened the glass door and took out her jacket. It felt like the time passed in slow motion as she walked. I couldn't help it, I just smiled as soon as our eyes crushed, and for a few seconds, life was perfect. Just to know she was there, smiling at me made everything worth living.

See why I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling? They would make fun of me. Morgan would never understand the agony and the dimension of my love for her. He would just tease me. I wonder if he had ever actually been in love 'till that point in life.

I didn't want anyone to know what was happening to me ‘cos I was sure they would make fun of me, and that was the last thing I needed at that moment. So I did what I knew best: I locked it all inside and waited for it to burn me alive.

- "Good morning, chipmunk!"- I stood by (Y/N)'s side and smiled as she left her things on her desk and turned to me. She just looked into my eyes, and my brain turned into mush.

- "Good morning, honey bunny. Did you sleep well? You look tired."

- "Yeah, I just got up extra early today to help Seaver, and now I was helping Derek with some files."

- "Do you need a hand?"

- "Sure!"- I didn't even analyze my answer. I just spit the words, thinking it would be amazing to spend some time with my friend, working together.

- "Hi (Y/N), how are you?"- that until her face changed completely when Seaver waved at her- "Spencer, do you want me to make your coffee?"- I froze and turned to her in silence.

- "No, thank you. I'll… just… wait a little before having another one. I just had my third cup."

- "Three cups in already"- (Y/N) narrowed her eyes and turned to her desk, giving me her back- "How long have you been awake?"

- "Not as long as Morgan, I tell you that,"- I pointed at him, walking out of Strauss's office and heading back to our conference room.

- "Let's help him, then."

(Y/N) walked quickly, and I followed closely. I wished I hadn't said no to that coffee. I really needed one to go through that morning.

During that morning, Derek questioned Sanderson again and finally took him and Rossi back to his house, trying to trigger any memory that might help us crack the case. Meanwhile, the rest of the team and I stayed back in the office, repeatedly going through the case files. So far, all we knew is that a team had attacked Sanderon's home and framed him for the murder of his wife and daughter.

The whole day, I focused on work ‘cos it's my favorite escape, and clearly, there was something more important to think of than whatever was going on with my life. But my head was killing me. The migraines were starting to get more intense, and I think they got worse the more thinking I gave to my relationship with (Y/N).

- "It sounds like we need to profile a dormant killer"- Ashle's voice surprised me when I was pouring myself a cup of fresh coffee in the kitchenette.

- "A very lucky one. He was essentially given a gift, a patsy in the form of Don Sanderson, and he'll do anything to protect that story."- I answered, thinking I didn't want to be in Sanderon's shoes, trying to clear my name of something I hadn't done.

- "When someone has a secret this big, everything becomes a lie."

Somehow, Seaver's words hit me. I'm sure she didn't mean to strike a nerve, but she did. I had been in love with my best friend for too long, and now it was starting to affect my life. I didn't want it to get in the way of work, and we were at work most of our time together. But there was nothing I could do about it. I just had to keep on faking everything was normal.

- "He'll most likely be pathological,"- I nearly choked at my own words as I tried to shake away the thoughts from my head.

- "So, we're looking for a liar in D. C. I thought we were trying to narrow this down."- Ashley tried to joke and waited for my reaction but didn't get anything. Instead, I just cut her a straight smile and walked away.

By the end of the night, Morgan had gotten the unsub. But I was still a mess. It had been the longest day in weeks, not just ‘cos I had barely slept the night before, but because I was overthinking everything that happened around me. It was exhausting.

- "Are you coming, Batsy?"- (Y/N) asked me and grabbed her bag after putting on her coat. I stood from my desk and nodded.

- "Yes, ma chère."

- "Where are you guys going tonight?"- Derek asked and smiled at us- "No. Don't tell me, planning this year's matching Comic-Con costumes"- I chuckled and probably blushed, busted.

- "We already settled those, Derek. We are way ahead of schedule this year,"- (Y/N) answered and stuck out her tongue to him.

- "(Y/N), can you give me a second before you go?"- Prentiss stood up and smiled at my friend, who just nodded and walked with her to the conference room. Derek and Seaver looked at me.

- "What?"

- "Do you know what's that about?"- Morgan questioned me.

- "I have no idea."

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "Please don't freak out,"- Emily smiled and turned to me after she closed the door behind her back- I just needed to clear the air a little bit between us.

- "What? Why? Is there something wrong?"

- "I don't know, I just feel you have been acting weird lately, and I needed to know if it has something to do with me supervising Seaver."

I nearly gasped. Not ‘cos I felt insulted but ‘cos I felt caught. I knew I hadn't been subtle about my feelings for Seaver. I just didn't want them to get in the middle of work.

- "I haven't been weird with you, Emily, and I don't think I've been acting strange."

- "Come on, you don't like Ashley, and I offered to supervise her while she works with us."

- "Yes, but neither of those has anything to do with me and you. We are friends, Emily."

- "I know, and I wanna honor that friendship, (Y/N). I love working with you. I just want you to know I'm not… I just… I'm trying to help Seaver start her career."

- "I understand that. We are ok,"- I tried to reassure her, but I knew she could read between my bullshit.

- "Do you think you could try to be a little bit nicer with her?"

- "Nicer?"

- "Yes, (Y/N). She is making an effort to get along with the team, and you've been giving her the cold shoulder since day one." -I crossed my arms on my chest, obviously annoyed and defensive.

- "I have been friendly with her, Emily. I just don't like her, and you can't force me to be her friend."

In my defense, in my mind, that argument didn't sound as childish as it did when I said it out loud.

- "Don't be selfish! Just because you are jealous, you can't deprive her of the opportunity of a lifetime with this team."

Emily's words were knives against my ego and nearly destroyed my facade. I stared into her eyes and wondered how to get out of that situation without hurting my friend. I could pretend I didn't know what she was talking about, but we both knew that was bullshit. I could actually try to tell her how I felt, but it was so humiliating I refused to open up. So instead, I just nodded and smiled at her.

- "I'm sorry that's how you see me. I'll try to be a better version of myself tomorrow,"- and needless to say, I turned around and left.

- "(Y/N), please wait,"- but I didn't stop walking. I refused to continue talking about Seaver with anyone. I refused to deal with feelings or the real world.

- "Everything ok?"- Spencer asked me the second he saw me appear by his side.

- "Yes,"

- "You are blushing. Did you and Prentiss argue?"

- "No, honey. We didn't argue. She just wanted to check on me ‘cos she was worried I was mad at her. But that's all."- Spencer just nodded and looked at me in silence.- "Why don't we just go home and forget about today, honey?"

Easier said than done.

So Seaver was getting under my skin. And it was getting harder to control. That week was hell, and I didn't want to show it. Eventually, I talked with Emily again, and I tried to explain to her I wasn't being mean with Seaver. I just didn't like her. And though I gave Emily my word to be friendlier with Ashley, the circumstances weren't really helping.

Things didn't get any better than Friday night. No, if anything, that was the night that made it all worse. Prentiss, JJ, and I got together at Garcia's house and had a few drinks before leaving for Anderson's birthday. I was making my biggest effort to have fun and ease my mind. Spencer said he wasn't sure he'd make it ‘cos he was tired, and automatically I almost turned out the whole deal, but Penelope literally dragged me to her house and put a beer in my hand.

- "You, my young lady, are going to put some makeup on, a hot dress, and we are going to party!"

- "But PG, I'm not…"- but she didn't let me out of it. Instead, she shushed me and raised an eyebrow, looking pretty convincing.

- "No "but." You are going. End of the conversation."

So she dragged me to the bar, along with Prentiss and JJ, who had left Will with little Henry to join us for what was promised to be one epic girl's night.

Anderson was so happy to see us. He was a sweetheart who was always willing to help us. I knew technically he didn't work at the BAU, but he was always there whenever we needed him. We all felt he was part of the team.

- "Sonny!!"- I yelled and hugged him tight

- "I'm so glad you girls made it!!"- and his smile was priceless- "JJ!!"- he actually yelled when he saw her and ran to give her a triple bear hug.

- "Grant Anderson!! I can't believe it's really you!!"

- "I've missed you so much!! How's Henry?"

- "So big!! I feel I haven't been out with friends in so long!"- JJ looked around, and her face kept lighting up as she recognized more friends and acquaintances from Quantico. I looked around and recognized Morgan already flirting with a woman at the other side of the bar.

- "Looks like chocolate thunder knows how to keep himself busy,"- I joked, and Garcia turned immediately.

- "Have you ever seen him shirtless?"- she asked in a lower voice and leaned a little closer to me, just to make sure no one would listen- "I'm sure it's illegal looking so good in real life."

I laughed and turned to see Prentiss walk to the bar to get us the first round of drinks. Ok, I'll admit it, I was having a great time. I know I didn't want to go at first, but spending time with my work friends and not just with Spencer was refreshing. Not that I didn't do fun things with the rest of the team, but my relationship with Spencer, I mean the friendship that pretty much looked like a relationship, consumed most of my time. But I just loved being with Reid more than anything.

But one night without him wasn't going to be the end of the world. Right?

Right.

Anderson and I danced and laughed. It was all very innocent. And though I've never considered myself a hot chick or whatever, a few guys asked if they could get me drinks, and I kindly declined. I wasn't looking for a one-night stand or anything. I just wanted to have fun with my friends.

- "And where's Reid?"- Anderson asked as we reached our table, where Prentiss and JJ were catching up and laughing.

- "Home, he said he was tired."

- "And? When are you two going to come clean about your relationship? You know, having the confirmation of your romance would be the best birthday present you could ever give me."

- "Grant Anderson, you nosy bastard!!"- I hit his arm and heard his laughter- "You know we are not dating!"

- "Come on!! I mean it! You have to get together! You are like the FBI sweethearts!!"

- "Shut your face!"- Anderson laughed even harder and took a look around the bar

- "So, if you are not dating Spencer, I have a friend who asked about you."

- "Who? What friend? Is he here?"- Garcia shouted question after question as she had overheard the whole conversation and even moved closer.

- "His name is James. He saw you on the news a few months ago, at a press conference with Rossi, and has been asking about you ever since."

I frowned and looked at Garcia, who was wide-eyed staring at Anderson. I had no idea what was going on. It was bizarre.

- "No, thank you?"- I whispered, not even sure of what I should answer at that- "I'm very flattered, Grant, but… I'm really not looking for someone right now."

- "You are not?"- Garcia asked me, and I just shook my head.

- "No, I have too much going on in my life, with work and… well… what we do…"

- "Really?"- Anderson sounded a little disappointed- "Well, in case you change your mind, James is…"

- "(Y/N)? Can I talk to you for a second?"- Garcia grabbed my arm and crawled me to a side of the bar.

- "What? What is it?"

- "Munchkin, you know I love you."

- "Yes, I love you too, PG."

- "That's why I feel like I need to be honest with you, ‘cos you've always been so sweet, and we've known each other for years now, and I feel like if I don't tell you this, you are never going to forgive me."- Penelope was nearly hyperventilating as she spoke.

- "Ok, what is it? You are scaring me."

- "You have to tell Reid how you feel."

- "What?"

- "He has to know! You have to tell him!"

- "I don't wanna talk about what, Penelope"- I tried to walk away from her, but she stopped me, grabbed my arm, and pulled me back.

- "No, (Y/N). He loves you, I'm not a profiler, I don't even play one on tv, but I am sure what I see in his eyes when he looks at you is love… ‘cos it's the same you have when you look at him!"

- "Son of a bitch!!"- the words escaped my lips as my heart nearly left my chest.

- "No, (Y/N)!"- but Garcia lost my attention that second, ‘cos all I could see was Spencer Walter Reid walking into the bar and Ashley Seaver hanging from his arm.

- "What do you want me to tell him, Garcia? To have fun with his new girlfriend?"- I pointed at the door, and her jaw nearly hit the floor.

- "Ok, no. There has to be a reasonable explanation for that!"

- "Yes, but Spencer being in love with me is not the explanation. I'm gonna get a drink."

Spencer's point of view

I was surprised to get Ashley's phone call that night. When my phone rang, I was ready to go to bed. My head was killing me. I had already scheduled an appointment with the doctor for some exams. I was starting to have a bad feeling about what those headaches really were, and I was too scared to tell anyone what was going on. Not even (Y/N).

Actually, of all people, she was the one I wanted to keep in the dark. Why? ‘Cos ever since we met she had taken care of me, I didn't think it was fair. She had taken me into her life and given me a place in it. And sometimes, I felt I was a burden. She helped me overcome all of my traumas and even my drug addiction. She introduced me to her best friends and made me part of her life. (Y/N) had taken trips with me to Las Vegas just to see my mom, ‘cos she knew it was hard for me to do it on my own. If it hadn't been for her, I would have probably spent over a year without visiting her. Now, we took a weekend to see mom every few months.

Why would I trouble her with some headaches? It wasn't fair.

When Ashley called, for a moment, I thought it might be (Y/N), asking me to pick her up. But no. It wasn't her that time.

- "Hey Spence, I'm sorry to bother you, but… are you at Anderson's party?"

- "No, actually, I'm in my house."

- "Why? I thought you were invited too."

- "Yeah, I know, and I was, but I'm kind of tired, and I wanted to come home and get some rest. Why? Are you at the party?"

- "No, but I was getting ready to go. But now I feel kind of awkward asking you."

- "What? What is it?"

- "I just… wanted to know if you could come with me. I'm so sorry, Spence, I didn't know you were tired. I just… I wanted to go to the party, but I feel kind of silly going alone. I wanted to ask Prentiss, but she left with (Y/N) and Garcia, and I felt so awkward asking…"

I wanted to groan, roll in my bed and hide under my pillow. But Ashley was the new girl, and she deserved to have some fun.

- "Don't worry, I'll take you there,"- I know I whispered my answer ‘cos I didn't really want to do it, but somehow I felt it was my duty.

- "Really?!"- and by the excitement in Ashley's voice, it was clear that was what she wanted to hear.

- "I'll pick you up in half an hour, ok?"

- "Thank you so much, Spence!!"

But when I walked into the bar, I knew I had made a mistake. I felt it in my guts. The same intuition I never followed in my personal life, only on the field.

I quickly looked around as Ashley held on to my arm tightly and walked into the bar with a big smile. I soon found Prentiss and JJ talking at a table filled with empty glasses, and my heart jumped inside my chest at the warm, familiar feeling that my friends gave me. I missed JJ very much. And not just as a team member but as a friend who had been taken away from us. (Y/N) always said I didn't know how to deal with change, neither did she, and the shifts in the team always affected me.

Soon I saw Morgan too, talking with Anderson and some other agents. Garcia had to be close then, but I couldn't see her or (Y/N) anywhere around.

- "Come on! Let's get a drink!"- Ashley said and crawled me to the bar.

- "I don't drink and drive"- I said, and she pouted.

- "Come on! You are no fun! Just one!"

- "No, just water. Thanks,"- I turned and scanned the place. Everybody was there, and they seemed to be having fun. Penelope waved and walked to me suddenly. She cut me a short smile and grabbed my arm.

- "Hey, what the hell are you doing here?"

- "I didn't want to come, but Ashley insisted and…"

- "Hi!"- Ashley appeared by our side and handed me a bottle of water- "I'm so excited to be here! We really needed to decompress after everything that happened this week, right Garcia?"

Penelope stared at us, trying to formulate an answer. I could see her making her bet to say something, but she just didn't. Instead, she just turned around and walked away.

- "Is she ok?"- I didn't know how to answer that, ‘cos Penelope's reaction surprised me. Ashley just looked around and grabbed my arm again.

- "Come on, Spencer! Let's dance!"

- "No, I don't… dance, sorry."

Lucky for me, Prentiss showed up and invited us to sit with her at her table. I don't know if she noticed I was uncomfortable, but I was glad to see her. Being in that bar made me feel pretty awkward and exposed.

I had never been much of a party person. I wasn't used to bars and gatherings until I joined the BAU. When I first met Derek, he tried to take me out a few times and be my wingman. It's obvious he failed at that mission. Meeting people at a bar is the most complicated equation I could ever try to solve. It doesn't work for me, no matter how hard Derek pushed me to do it. He said I had to rely on what made me feel comfortable. But no. It wasn't that I couldn't meet people. It was that I didn't want to meet anyone once I met the woman of my dreams. Even when I knew she could never be mine.

When (Y/N) came along, she started hosting these fun "dinner parties" with Frank, Lu, and Mikey, which changed everything. It was the first time I was hanging out with people my age doing things I actually liked doing. It wasn't about drinking or picking girls in a bar. It was about playing Jenga, or charades, eating pizza, and talking about movies and sometimes even books.

(Y/N) said her friends considered me part of the gang, which was all I ever wanted to hear. That I belonged. It's kind of sad when you think about it, but I don't care. I had never felt like I belonged anywhere, and they made me feel like I was one of them. They took me to their rock shows, and I jumped along with the crowd, knowing I wasn't an outcast there. I was with my friends.

You don't know how good that made me feel. And for years, they were my social comfort and cocoon. Then, when Rossi joined the BAU again, he started hosting fancy dinner parties at his house, and I got to hang out with the whole team without being at a bar, pushed to meet people. And it was so good. (Y/N) always said Rossi's arrival had a cohesive effect on us. Not because he brought us together, but the circumstances of his arrival and everything that happened that first year.

This team is no stranger to trauma, and that's a fact. I think Rossi's dinner parties gave us a space to be ourselves, relax, have a few drinks and enjoy our time together. I think that's when we stepped from being friends to be family.

And I hadn't had one before.

I hugged JJ tight as soon as I saw her smiling at me. I hadn't seen her ever since her goodbye party, over two months before, but we had talked on the phone a few times.

- "I've missed you so much, Spence!!"- she said and held my face with both hands- "You and (Y/N) owe me two babysit nights,"- and I laughed, thinking we promised we'd take care of Henry so she and Will could have a date, but we were called for a case.

- "Wait! It was one night!"- I argued, chuckling- "Why is it two nights now?"

- "‘Cos I lost a very exclusive reservation due to the two of you."

- "Technically, it wasn't our fault, we were called in for a case..."

I smiled and sat next to JJ, and Prentiss sat next to me. Ashley stood by the table and smiled at JJ. Right, they didn't even know each other.

- "It's very nice to meet you, Agent Jareau. The team talks very highly of you,"- she shook JJ's hand and smiled.

- "Ashley, right? Prentiss was just telling me you will be taking your remedial training at the BAU. Congratulations, it's a fantastic team to work with."

- "Thank you,"- I took a look around, still trying to find my best friend around. But it seemed useless, and I was starting to feel worried.

- "Where's (Y/N)?"- I had to ask.

- "She was with Anderson a minute ago,"- Penelope said and looked around- "I am going to look for her and bring her here in a second. I'll be right back."

And so, she was gone.

Prentiss and I pretty much interrogated JJ about her new job and the new team she worked with at the pentagon. I sipped my water and half-listened her answer, ‘cos most of my head was trying to register what was going on around me. No, actually, I was trying to find (Y/N). Penelope had been gone for half an hour looking for her, and I was starting to think something weird was going on. Besides, my head was killing me, and all I wanted was to go home. But I hadn't seen JJ in weeks, and I couldn't waste a chance like that.

Ashley talked with Prentiss too, and every once in a while, she tried to engage in conversation with me. But to be honest, I couldn't really concentrate on anything. I just wanted to know (Y/N) was alright.

- "Excuse me,"- I stood up slowly and looked at my friends- "I'm going to the bathroom, be right back."

- "Can you get us another round on our way back?"- Prentiss asked and smiled guiltily.

- "Sure."

- "Do you need help?"- Ashley tried to stand up, but Emily stopped her.

- "He got it, don't worry."

So I was left on my own. I walked around the bar. In my mind, I kept telling myself I was "looking for the bathroom," but I knew very well I was indeed trying to find (Y/N). I had been in that bar for an hour, and I still hadn't seen her. I was worried.

I walked around the bar and found Anderson. He seemed to be a little shocked to see me there but smiled and hugged me. It was weird hugging people, still. But Anderson was part of the team. It always felt like it. We had known each other for years, and somehow it was like he was in the background of our daily basics.

- "Have you seen (Y/N)?"- I asked him, and he widened his eyes- "What?"

- "Yeah, she's right there, actually… "- Grant Anderson pointed and turned around- "Later, Reid."

- "Bye"- I didn't even look at him. I just turned and looked around to see (Y/N).

But my best friend didn't notice me. She was too busy kissing some guy.

I stood in front of her, not knowing what to do. Her eyes were closed, and her arms were around his neck, so clearly, she wasn't in distress, and no matter how badly I wanted to take her from him, I just couldn't.

For a minute, I couldn't believe my eyes. I just stood there and stared at (Y/N), trying to understand what was going on. I always knew she wasn't meant to be mine, but I had never gotten such a brutal reminder. Not even when she was dating Paul. Watching her kissing someone else was shocking. The way that man put his hands on her waist and held her close to him, just like I always dreamt of doing, was painful.

Painful. That was the only word I can explain how it felt.

I stood there for a minute or so. I really don't know how long it was, but it felt long enough to burn in my memory everything I needed to torture myself with for the rest of my life. I stepped back after a minute. It might have been longer; I really can't recall. And all I managed to do was to walk out of the bar and reach my car.

I opened the door and slammed it as I sat behind the wheel. I wanted to cry and yell. But I didn't do either of those. Instead, I stayed still, staring at the nothing in front of me, trying to erase that fresh memory from my head. But it was impossible. (Y/N) was making out with some guy inside that bar, and there was nothing I could do to stop her. So I did the only thing I could do at that minute. I started the car and got the fuck out of there.

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Next update: June 23th, 2021

[ptergwen]

let’s just pretend

w/c: 3.5k

warnings: rom com references, drinking, and a little bit of angst

summary: you cope with your feelings for peter by getting drunk on halloween

a/n: ok i really really love this and i loved writing it too? it’s the first like original idea i’ve had in a while so maybe that’s why but yeah i hope y’all enjoy and that this puts you in a halloweenish mood :-)

-

there’s something about fall that makes you nostalgic. the same images pop into your head whenever you hear the word october. pumpkin patches, colorful leaves, and hot coffee. it reminds you of being a kid. only when you were a kid, all you could think about this time of year was what you were going to be for halloween.

you’d spend weeks getting your costume together and coordinating with all your friends. trick or treating was literally the only thing that mattered. if you wanted to get good candy, you had to have a good costume.

the high school version of candy is alcohol. everyone just goes to parties so they can drink the whole night. no one even dresses up usually. you personally would rather have chocolate than cheap beer. your whole friend group agrees on that.

that’s why you decided to throw your own party this year. anyone who misses the old halloween can come hang out. so far it’s only peter, mj, ned, betty, and the rest of the decathlon team coming. betty invited everyone for you. she also asked liz, but she’s going to flash’s party. he only gets so many people because his parents are never home and don’t care if he raids the liquor cabinet. whatever.

you’re out finding something to wear with peter and mj a few hours before it starts. ned and betty already picked their costumes. she’s going as an angel, and he’s going as the devil. you think they should switch. they’re out shopping for snacks while the three of you hit up spirit halloween.

mj groans every single second there’s silence, and peter keeps getting scared by the motion sensor decorations. he eventually ends up having to go somewhere in the store that doesn’t have any. so, it’s a lot.

“why don’t you be a vampire?” mj asks in her fake interested voice, taking a pair of fangs off the rack in front of her. you scoff. “i think i did that in sixth grade.” she puts them back with a huff. “witch?” she’s just suggesting every costume she sees so you can get out of here. her lack of enthusiasm makes you want to take longer.

“no.”

“zookeeper?”

“eh.”

“what about cat in the hat?”

“mj, what? no.”

“uh... school girl?”

“ok, that’s just offensive.”

“you’re right. why do they have that?” she eyes the costume suspiciously. you cover it up with a random cloak that fell onto the floor. you’re never going to find anything at this point. maybe it’s a sign you’re too old for this. just when you’re about to lose all hope, peter comes over.

he’s holding up the plaid yellow skirt and blazer cher wears in clueless. it’s one of the most iconic rom com outfits. you grab it with a gasp, peter giving you a knowing smile. “oh my god! wait, where did you find this?” “they have a section with movie stuff.” there’s a han solo costume in his other hand.

you throw an arm around his neck for a quick hug. peter squeezes you and chuckles when he pulls away. it gets a sigh out of mj.

“sure you don’t wanna be the guy she ends up with?” she elbows peter’s arm. the two of you share a disgusted look. “josh? ew, he’s her ex stepbrother,” you dismiss her. “they’re, like, related,” peter adds. mj rolls her eyes almost to the back of her head and starts to walk away. “someone needs to unplug both of your tv’s.” you and peter follow after her.

of course she would suggest a couple’s costume. she was probably trying to make you both get weird. you’re always being teased for spending so much time together. even your parents and may make little comments about it. you can’t help the fact that you have almost everything in common.

peter is the only person your age who doesn’t try so hard to be cool. when you’re with him, you can be the biggest nerd and wear fluffy pajamas and play with legos. it’s a judgement free friendship.

you’ll admit you’ve wanted it to become a judgement free relationship. there’s no way he doesn’t feel your heart beating against him when you cuddle during movie nights. he has to notice your goofy smile whenever he calls you a nickname.

but, it could all be platonic in peter’s mind. maybe he sees you as more of a sister. that would make josh the perfect costume to go with you as cher.

you shutter and try to push the idea out of your mind for the rest of your time at spirit halloween.

it’s almost time for the party to start when you get back to your house. your parents let betty and ned in to start setting up on their way out. they’re going for dinner so they aren’t around to embarrass you. you have until midnight, then there’s nothing you can do. that gives you four hours.

mj is changing into the coraline costume you made her get, which she actually doesn’t hate. betty is helping you do some last minute decorating. peter and ned are putting out snacks. it’s a really good system you have.

“love the the plaid, y/n. you look so fetch!” betty compliments in between throwing fake cobwebs over your couch. you snort and finish stringing up some lights. “wrong movie, but thanks.” “oh. oops,” she shrugs and gets back to cobwebbing. “peter found it for me.” all the lights are up, so you go to plug them in. betty giggles on your way over.

your living room has an orange glow to it now. dusting your hands off, you admire your work. the moment of admiration ends when you notice how betty is looking at you. “what?” “peter found it for you,” she repeats suggestively. “when he was getting his costume, yeah,” you say like it’s nothing because it is nothing.

“so, what i’m hearing is he wanted to see you in a skirt.” you furrow your eyebrows at her. “what? no, he just-“ she wiggles her own eyebrows at you. you’re going to start sweating if you talk about this any longer. too aware of yourself now, you pull down your skirt and trudge over to the stairs. “i’m gonna go check on mj.”

you’re in the middle of convincing her she looks great and to leave your room when everyone calls your name downstairs.

“what?” you shout back from behind the closed door. “you should get down here.” it’s only peter this time. mj widens her eyes at you, but you’re gone before she can say she isn’t wearing this again.

you make your way down the stairs. the three of them are huddled in front of the door. “is someone here?” you mouth, ned looking off to the side awkwardly. they all move out of the way so you can see who it is. it’s flash. you’re obviously surprised to see him at your house, especially since he’s supposed to be having his own party right now.

“um, what are you doing here?” you try not to sound mean. “didn’t you invite the whole decathlon team? i’m on it.” you’d forgotten about that. peter says he’s only an alternate. flash side steps past you to get inside. you didn’t say he could come in. he heads straight to the chip bowl on your living room coffee table. you’re left shaking your head in pure confusion.

“dude, kick him out,” ned whispers to you. you wave your hand dismissively and walk over. he’s kicking his legs up on the table when you get there. “dope outfit. you look good.” he winks and crunches on a tostito. peter is clenching his jaw, but no one sees. “why are you in my house, flash?” you push the bowl away from him. “oh, yeah. my parents came home from vegas early.”

mj finally gets downstairs, squinting at whatever is going on with you while she walks over to everyone else. “i thought we could combine parties.” flash eyes your friends in a way you don’t like. “all your guests are pretty much here, so don’t worry about space.”

you look back at peter to see what he thinks. he shakes his head no. betty is nodding her head so fast you’re pretty sure she’s going to get whiplash. ned agrees with whatever she thinks, and mj doesn’t care. majority rules. plus, you could use one of flash’s playlists to liven things up. how bad could it really be?

“text everyone my address.”

people are flooding your house in the next fifteen minutes. like, your entire grade might be here. flash hooks his phone up to your speakers and blasts his songs. people grab fistfuls of candy and dance around. you’re running low on soda, but one guy brought extra drinks. alcoholic drinks, which you’re uneasy about. that was a big reason why you wanted to have your own party in the first place.

you don’t want to be a lame host, so you let it slide. a girl is sitting on top of your kitchen counter making out with someone. people are yelling so loud you can’t make out a single conversation. this is all going on and yet somehow, the most surprising thing is that they came in costume. some are more casual, like cat ears and lifeguard hoodies. it still counts.

feeling a little bit lost in your own house, you search for peter. he’s sitting on the top stair just watching what’s going on. you get his attention by throwing a mini packet of sour patch kids at him. he catches it, grinning when he realizes you did that. “i love these.” “good. they were the only ones left.” you take a seat next to him and scratch at the material of his vest for emphasis.

“i can’t believe you said yes to him.” peter opens the sour patch kids. the first one is yellow, so he offers it to you. sharing food with him always works because you each seem to like what the other doesn’t. “neither can i, but i think betty would’ve actually hurt me if i didn’t,” you joke while chewing. he rolls his eyes, but he’s still smiling. “please. she’s too nice.”

you lean your head on peter’s shoulder and grab another gummy. he pokes your arm in protest. “this bag is small. get your own.” you’re nuzzling your cheek against him. “i told you they’re gone.” he’s about to put an arm around you when someone screams downstairs. you quickly sit up.

“i’m gonna go see what the hell that was. i’ll find you later?” peter does his best to hide his disappointment. “yeah, of course. good luck.” you clench your teeth and run down the stairs. this is somehow flash’s fault.

it’s been an hour and a half, and peter is nowhere to be seen. the chaos was just that someone really liked the song that was playing. it didn’t take you long to figure that out. when you went to tell peter, he was gone. you’ve looked everywhere for him since, except the backyard.

a pretty big group of people is out here either playing catch or talking. someone also brought a case of beer outside. you spot mj huddled up by the fence with a bottle. it doesn’t necessarily surprise you. it’s weird to see, either way.

“have you seen peter?” you walk up to her. she uses the bottle to gesture somewhere. he’s in the middle of a conversation with liz. your entire body feels like it’s collapsing into itself. it didn’t cross your mind she would be coming even when the party moved to your house.

she’s nice and all. you don’t have any issues with her. not that she knows about, at least. peter had the biggest crush on her for about a month, then it fizzled out. that’s what he told you. unless, he said that to save face.

you’re speechless. mj figured you would be. she gives you a sympathetic smile and holds out her beer. “yep. drink up.” your instincts tell you to take it, so you do. she heads back inside and leaves you alone with your thoughts. that’s not good for you. the only to way to get rid of them is by chugging the rest of this bottle.

you’ve never had your own drink before, and technically you aren’t now. this is still the most alcohol you’ll ever have in your system. before you can change your mind, you take a generous swig. it’s bitter. you don’t hate it as much as you expected to, though.

your eyes land on liz touching peter’s shoulder. that inspires your next big gulp of beer. you finish off the rest, and it hits you fast. you’re understanding why this is such a popular vice. you don’t feel anything but how tipsy you are. light and floaty. you decide to stumble back into the kitchen and find out what other drinks people brought.

the bright color of your costume catches peter’s attention. he was wondering where you were. excusing himself from liz, he follows you in. you bump into betty on your way to the punch bowl someone filled. she’s holding a red solo cup with the mystery liquid. both of you buzzed, you laugh and grab her arm.

“sorry. s- sorry.” you’re squeezing behind her, her angel wings brushing against your face in the process. you have to weave through everyone to make it to the drink table. peter meets you there when you’re getting a cup. he’s shocked.

“y/n?” smiling lazily, you take a sip. “hey, peter. pete.” the sober voice in your head tells you to stop talking. he probably shouldn’t know you’re drunk. then again, your cup gives it away. “y/n, have you been drinking?” he sounds concerned. everything is funny to you right now. you giggle out a “yes.”

peter doesn’t want to be that person, but you’re not acting right. he reaches for your drink. you pull it away too abruptly, and some of it spills onto the floor. “you... you’re so...“ you start losing your balance. “woah.” peter wraps an arm around your waist to steady you. he takes the drink out of your hand and sets it on the table.

frowning, he throws your arm around his shoulders so he can help you get upstairs. “come on, y/n/n.” you don’t argue this time. you’re at the part of being drunk where it doesn’t feel good anymore. peter holds you close to his side and walks you out of the kitchen. he stops to talk to ned for a second.

“hey, man. y/n’s parents are gonna be home soon. could you get everyone out?” he says into his ear. “why can’t she do it?” peter moves out of the way so he’s not blocking you. ned sees. you’re completely faded. “oh, shit. is she okay?” he whisper yells. “i’m gonna take care of her.” “i’ll tell everyone to go.” peter presses his lips into a tight smile, then he’s taking you up to your room.

you flop down onto your bed face first. peter shuts the door behind you. “you okay?” he chuckles, you nodding with your face smushed into the comforter. he’d think it was cute if you weren’t piss drunk. gently nudging you, he moves you so you’re on your back.

“let’s get you out of this.” “ooh, betty was right. you do like me in a skirt,” you giggle and bat your eyelashes at him. he huffs. “no, i mean you have to put on pajamas.” you’re pouting now. “you don’t like me in a skirt?” after going through your drawers, he comes back over with a big t-shirt and fuzzy pants. “i never said that.”

you grin again and grab them from him. “ha.” “do you need help changing?” he sits at the edge of your bed. you’re still laying down. he’s not sure you can handle getting up. “no. don’t be creepy,” you say completely serious. peter has to remind himself you’re drunk. “you were the one who thought i wanted you naked, but ok.”

making peter close his eyes, you peel the costume off your body. you got pretty sweaty. you kick everything onto the floor and start putting on your pajamas. your head gets stuck in an arm hole by accident, so peter has to fix that. the rest is fine. he’s about to bring you into the bathroom to brush your teeth, but you face plant into his lap. you’re out.

the next morning, you wake up feeling like ass. your breath is hot and tastes disgusting. your head is pounding. you could throw up. you’re not even sure how you ended up in your bed. then, you notice peter sitting at your desk. he must have helped you in.

a vague memory of him tucking you under the covers while you whined comes back to you, along with a few others. one of them is of him and liz. the whole reason you did this to yourself.

“hey.” your voice comes out hoarse. “hi.” peter nods and points to your night table. there’s a fresh glass of water. you drink it all down as fast as humanely possible, a hand on your heart. it doesn’t phase him after what you did last night. you set the empty glass down and pat the spot next to you. peter sits by your side.

he’s still dressed as han solo, but his vest and belt are sprawled out on the floor. the boots are under your desk. he actually stayed all night for you.

“i think i’m hungover.” you rest your head against his arm. his body relaxes. “you didn’t drink that much. mj said she gave you half a beer,” he almost laughs, you groaning. “that means i’m a lightweight.” “for now.” your arm wrapping around his, you look up at him.

“sorry you had to deal with me. am i in trouble?” “nah, your parents don’t know. we cleaned everything up before they got home.” he lightly pats the top of your head with two fingers. you squeeze your eyes shut when he does it. “you did? thank you so much, wow.” peter nods and smiles for a second.

he lays his back against the pillow on his side. “let’s just pretend that never happened.” “you’re good at pretending,” you mumble to yourself. you’re not as quiet as you think because peter hears it. “um, what?” you feel too woozy to come up with a cover. letting out a breath, you take your head and hands off of him.

“i saw you talking with liz.” “she wanted to know if i could lead decathlon practice next week. she’s not gonna be in school,” he says slowly, not getting it. “why?” having to spell it out is making you frustrated. “didn’t you say you don’t like her anymore?” “yeah, i don’t.”

“so, why was she being all... touchy?” the jealousy is clear in your voice. peter shrugs. “that’s how liz is. i still don’t get why it matters.” you ease yourself to sit up and turn to face him. those three words you’ve been meaning to tell him are on the absolute tip of your tongue. they’re about to come out.

then...

“i like you, y/n.”

peter says them for you.

you’re so surprised you nearly vomit for real. or, it could be the possible hangover. almost a minute has gone by when you realize you’ve been sitting there with your mouth hanging open. you swallow your spit. “you... you do?” “a lot. i kept trying to tell you, but there was never a good time.” his voice is softer now.

“i realized after homecoming. i wished i went with you instead of...” he doesn’t have to finish the sentence. you nod, a small smile spreading across your face. peter’s eyes are so hopeful. “i like you, too. a lot.” your gaze trails down to his lips.

“i’d kiss you if my breath didn’t stink.” “i’ll let you owe me one.” he’s fully grinning now, and both of you laugh. they’re the kind of laughs you do because you’re so happy you don’t know what to say.

peter presses his lips to your temple, your eyes fluttering closed. “get some more sleep. i’m gonna ask you out when you wake up,” he mumbles against your hair. you grab his hand that’s resting on the comforter. “can you stay with me?” “of course.”

he lays down next to you. you pull back the covers so he can get under them. your head is resting on his chest, an arm around his torso. both of his hug your waist. you’re instantly comfortable cuddled up in his embrace. you drift off to sleep with a smile.

this feels like such a dream. it’s the exact type of situation you’d make up in your head. but, it’s real. peter is still holding you when you wake up. he’s not going anywhere.

[marrys-dream-world]

lovers alone wear sunlight (chapter seven)

Chapter One  Chapter Two  Chapter Three  Chapter Four  Chapter Five  Chapter Six

Read on AO3

Notes: I’m so not gonna finish this fic before july. Day 19: Chat-like. @ladrienjune​

Ladybug became more subdued after that night.

There hasn’t been anything new going on, she had insisted, and no, it wasn’t about her fight with Chat Noir. But her eyes were downcast more often than not and the bags under her eyes were so dark they looked like bruises, so Adrien couldn’t just let it go. He wondered, briefly, if it had been the weather dragging her down as the rainy and gloomy season had descended upon them. Ladybug hadn’t liked the cold since she got her miraculous, he knew, and had always made sure to have a cup of her favorite hot cocoa ready when they met up for patrol.

Then again, everyone around him had been in a foul mood, these days. His father seemed… frustrated. Adrien liked to think it was because of the silent treatment he had been receiving from his son, but he was not in the mindset for unrealistic fantasies. He probably missed Nathalie or Adrien’s mother or simply having anyone he remotely liked in the house. School, although a bit better than his house, had become tense, the whole class somehow aware that he and Marinette were going through a break in their “relationship”.

Even worse, Marinette wouldn’t look at him on the face.

“She needs time, dude.” Nino had said, a comforting hand on his shoulder as Marinette bails as soon as the bell rings. “It’s not about you.”

(Alya, following after Marinette, throws him a conflicted look before disappearing into the hall. Adrien spends the night awake thinking about what it could mean.)

“Listen to your friend, kid.” Plagg tried to comfort him, for once not demanding cheese as soon as they were alone. “Pigtails probably doesn’t know what to say.”

Ladybug, always willing to talk about his problems, was surprisingly unhelpful.

“I don’t really know Marinette that well, Adrien, I’m sorry.” She said, avoiding his gaze. “But… Nino is right. I think she needs space right now.”

Some nights he itched to activate his miraculous and leap into the city nights until he found the balcony on top of Tom & Sabine’s. He never did.

It’s because you’re a coward. A girl’s voice whispered in his mind. Half the time he swore it was Marinette, but the other half he was sure it was Ladybug.

I know. He answered, staring at the ceiling.

So Adrien went to his favorite mechanism to cope through his problems: pretend they don’t exist at all. Fortunately, his melancholic girlfriend provided a great distraction.

The usual distractions were useless. She barely tried at all in video games and her eyes didn’t even spark at the set of special drawing pens (recommended by Nathaniel) that he got her. Their conversations seemed to fall apart without getting anywhere and she just wanted to cuddle quietly, staring sightlessly into the horizon. One day, he got the courage to ask her if he did anything wrong.

Her sigh paralyzed him. 

“I’m sorry, handsome, it’s not you at all. I just… had an awkward situation with a friend and I can’t stop overthinking it.” She said, pausing to hug him and bury her face into his neck. “It’s not his fault. Nor mine, really, but… I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do.”

She cried quietly in his arms. His heart squeezed with guilt about how much it reminded him of Marinette and that night on her balcony.

His next plan to cheer her up was, perhaps, a little risky. But she did say she liked his jokes, right?

It was a movie night. Adrien had finally gotten permission to choose a movie after that Ladybug dubbed The Coraline Incident. Fortunately, she had been so shocked he hadn’t watched The Hunchback of Notre Dame (“That’s the Disney movie set in France. Next you’ll tell me you haven’t watched Ratatouille- no, stop that, you’re making fun of me. Say syke right now, Adrien”) yet that she didn’t even argue. It was nice to see some of that fire light up in her eyes again, even if for a small moment. 

“Here.” He said, handing her their bowl of popcorn with a quantity of butter that was certainly not pre-approved by his nutritionist.

“Thanks.” Ladybug answered absentmindedly as she set up the movie on his tv. Seeing her so at ease with his things made his heart swell up.

“There is nothing better than a movie and popcorn together.” He said casually and she nodded. “They are butter together.”

It sounded better in my head. He thought, and wasn’t that the story of his life?

Ladybug stared at him for a moment, remote dropping from her limp hand. He was about to apologize before she burst into laughter.

“That’s so l-lame.” She said, trying to catch her breath.

“You mean the joke is corny?”

Her laughter, that was starting to subside, came back in full strength and he couldn’t hold back his proud smile.

“I haven’t heard such a bad joke since…” Ladybug said after she calmed down, smile falling from her face.

“Hey.” Adrien said, nudging her with his shoulder. “How about we just watch the movie?”

She nodded, leaning against his shoulder. But she smiled at Quasimodo and sang along to the songs, looking much lighter than she had in a week. 

(He watched her more than the movie, he could admit. Part of it was because he was so in love with her it was stupid and could watch her for hours. The other part was because the way Frollo treated Quasimodo made his skin crawl in a way he couldn’t place.)

Now knowing what cheered her up, he kept it up in every situation he could. 

“I asked a french man if he played video games.” He said solemnly, during a round of Mario Kart. “He said Wii.”

“I don’t get the point of decimals.” He said as he explained a math problem to her. Their math books were standard in schools across Paris, apparently. “I’m more partial to fractions.”

“This is great.” He said at the impromptu indoors picnic session after she suddenly brought a passion fruit cake. “Couldn’t have done it batter myself.”

She always reacted the same away: startled, eyes widening and mouth gaping before she began to laugh, the beautiful sound reminding him of bells. It filled the room and it was like bathing in sunshine. Then, after she finished giggling, she would settle into a mildly melancholic mood. It came to its climax on a dark, rainy afternoon.

“Thanks.” Ladybug said, grabbing the blanket he gave her. Her eyes were droppy as she watched the drizzle, shivering before wrapping herself up.

“I see Paris’ prettiest superhero likes to work undercover.” He said, preparing himself to get drunk on her airy giggles.

But she didn’t laugh this time, just fixed her gaze on him before sighing and clutching her blanket. 

“Hey.” He said, sitting beside her on the couch. “Did I say something wrong?”

“Not, not really, it’s just…” Ladybug said, looking straight ahead to the window. “You just remind me a lot of Chat Noir when you say things like that.”

His heart stopped. “I do?”

“Yeah, you do.” She snorted. "It 's weird.”

“Why?”

“Huh?”

“Why is it weird?”

She turned to look at his face. “I mean, you’re my boyfriend and he’s my partner. I don’t usually think of you two as similar at all.”

“Why? You don’t think I would make a good superhero partner?” He teased, watching a small smile bloom on her face. “Or you don’t think Chat Noir would make a good boyfriend?”

He expected her to roll her eyes and say a sassy “jealous?”, not the blush and avoidance of his eyes.

“It’s n-not that at all!” She said, kneading the couch with her hands.

“Ladybug… do you like Chat Noir or something?” He asked, not even knowing what answer he wanted. 

“What?! No, I don’t like Chat Noir! I mean, yes, I like him, but as a friend! He 's my friend. We’re friend!” She defended fiercely, before deflating. “At least we used to be.”

“My hero…” Adrien said, words of comfort hanging on the tip of his tongue. 

“No, really, I need you to understand this: I’m not into Chat Noir, okay?” Ladybug said, firmly. “Even if I was, it’s not like we can be together, anyways.”

“I’m sorry for saying that, it’s just that you’re Ladybug and Chat Noir, you know?” He said, vaguely gesturing as he said their hero names. “And it’s not like you guys are going to fight forever. I know you’re trying to stop me from feeling jealous, but I don’t think this would stop you from being together.”

“It’s not that, Adrien, it’s way more complicated.” She said. “Look, I didn’t even think about Chat Noir that way until very recently. When we started out I thought he was a flirt, that he didn’t mean what he said at all. And then I hurt him and I found out that yes, he does like seriously. Who would have thought?”

Anyone with eyes. He refrained from saying, remembering the dozens of forums talking about the lovesick eyes Chat Noir sent Ladybug’s way far before Glaciator was even in Hawkmoth’s mind. 

“Even then I couldn’t see him romantically. There was this boy, you see.” Ladybug said and he tensed, as he always did when she mentioned the other boy. “Hey, don’t worry about it. I’m over him and I found he has a girlfriend now. I’m happy for him.”

She sounded genuinely happy and he wondered, not for the first time, what changed. His traitorous heart was both happy and sad because maybe it was him, but why wasn’t it Chat Noir?

“But for the longest time, I was absolutely gone for this guy, my classmate. I thought about him every second of the day and I could barely hold a conversation. I was scared he would never notice me and that he would notice me and…” She broke off, swallowing hard. “It doesn’t matter, because the point is: I was so crazy about this guy and I couldn’t think about anyone else, especially Chat Noir.”

“What made you think about Chat Noir romantically, then?” He asked and continued at her surprised face. “You said you didn’t think about him that way until recently.” 

“I… can’t tell you.It’s not because I don’t trust you!” She hurried to explain at his crestfallen expression. “I just think he should be the first to know. It’s… not a nice story. There was an akuma, an incredibly strong one, and nobody remembers but me and Bunnyx, this time traveling superhero.”

She shuddered and burrowed herself deeper into her blanket.

“I haven’t really talked about it with anyone. Not my friend who knows who I am, not even my kwami.” She confessed. “I want to talk to Chat, to be sure that what happened that time would never happen again. But I can’t because I’m scared.”

“My love…” He said, wrapping her in his arms even as he felt like his heart was trying o climb out of his throat and dread pooling in his stomach. 

“It was my fault, Adrien.” She whispered against his chest. “I can’t let that happen. I can’t happen whatever love there is between me and Chat Noir destroy the world.”

With that, she quieted down, not knowing what storm her words brewed inside Adrien’s chest.

[judesstfrancis]

Hope you don’t mind me asking but you are well versed in horror films. What would you recommend as a good place to start for someone who is not comfortable with demons or jumpscares? (Ghosts are fine but there’s something about demons that really unsettle me for some reason) thanks!!!

I don’t mind at all!! honestly I love answering questions like these, I grew up with horror so I love helping other people figure out what they might like.

before I start, I do wanna note that jumpscares have a very broad, kinda vague definition. it really all depends on your personal sensitivity! so while some of these movies have scenes that are technically labeled as jumpscares, they may not actually read like that onscreen. a good resource I think is wheresthejump.com, and I’ll be providing links for each movie that has a profile on the website. regardless, I’ll make sure to only rec movies that I don’t consider to have blatant jumpscares and that only have minor jumpscare ratings on the site. and bc I’ll be linking you to the profiles directly, you’ll be able to decide for yourself if it’s something you want to actually consume. the profiles will both describe what the jumpscares are, how major or minor they are, and the exact time stamps they occur at. if the movie doesn’t have a profile on the website, u should ostensibly be safe!

here we go!

my personal first introduction to horror was the lost boys (1987) and I cannot recommend it enough. really classic 80s horror, vampires, extremely Gender and extremely Homosexual Subtext. a young boy and his family move to santa carla and his older brother accidentally gets turned into a vampire bc he’s trying to impress the local hot boys! he’s technically trying to impress literally the only woman his age in the movie, but look. the vampire men look Like That, he was trying to impress the local hot boys. (no profile on wheresthejump)

I also have to rec scream (1996) bc it is my absolute favorite horror film. this movie is like a really classic teen slasher but, and I’m sure u already know what I’m about to say if you’ve followed this blog for more than 24 hours, it is full of incredible twists. absolutely deconstructed the entire slasher subgenre and is the reason the Film Nerd Who Knows Everything About Horror trope was popularized. it absolutely does not take itself seriously and there’s a lot of outside references to other horror projects the director was involved in and honestly that’s what makes it genius. it thinks its a joke! it treats itself like a joke, but it’s not. also sidney prescott is like THE horror franchise frontwoman, thank u miss neve campbell (wheresthejump profile)

okay other recs that I’m hopefully gonna not talk as long about since I’m trying not to make this Super Long:

us (2019) everything jordan peele has ever done, horror wise, is a masterpiece. the man simply knows what he’s doing. this one has a family vacation gone wrong, dopplegangers, and an overall amazing narrative. (wheresthejump profile)

van helsing (2004) this may perhaps be way too cheesy to label as a horror movie but look I love it and it’s been a favorite of mine for a very long time so I’m including it. hugh jackman plays van helsing! real fun vampire hunting. (wheresthejump profile)

when a stranger calls (1979) the call is coming from inside the house! your classic babysitter horror but like. it was the Blueprint for classic babysitter horror, u know? absolutely amazing, one of my favorites. (wheresthejump profile)

the raven (2012) one of my favorite movies, even outside of horror! it’s actually labeled as a crime mystery/thriller but we all know how I feel about thrillers being horror. also it’s a serial killer so like. horror film. anyway it’s based on edgar allan poe and he has to help solve murders based on his own stories! really neat premise! (no profile on wheresthejump)

coraline (2009) technically marketed as a fantasy kid’s film but look shit is SCARY. I watched it for the first time when I was 18 and I was spooked. really cool kinda adventure-y thing where she finds a portal to an alternate universe and hangs out with her Other Family and has fun initially but then things get Weird. (no profile on wheresthejump)

don’t look under the bed (1999) this shit was apparently so scary that disney had to take it off the air for a Very Long Time after it was first released on the channel. what happens when u forget your imaginary friends? apparently boogeymen! one of my absolute favorite movies in the entire world, I was always so excited when it actually was on tv (no profile on wheresthejump)

lady in white (1988) ghosts! this one’s just really neat. narrated story about a little boy in the 60s who sees a murder and gets haunted afterwards. but like in a cool way!! he helps the ghosts it's neat (no profile on wheresthejump) (no demons)

the frighteners (1996) another favorite of mine that I just love to death. this one’s part comedy! michael j fox gets into a car accident that kills his wife and can talk to spirits after that so he makes friends with them to stage hauntings and scam people out of money by pretending to get rid of them. things get wild tho when he finds an evil ghost pretending to be the grim reaper that is actually the ghost of a serial killer from however long ago and is now marking victims to kill them later. (no profile on wheresthejump) (evil spirits but no demons, it is very clear that he is just a regular, human serial murderer turned ghost)

hope this was helpful! I tried to give a good little sample mix of some of my favorites that weren’t Too Gross and didn’t rely on just blaring loud music and shoving a scary picture in your face for no reason. overall I’d say probably creature features and slashers might be your best bet for avoiding jumpscares and demonic narratives? older movies as well will rely on jumpscares less so that’s something to keep in mind. if you’re ever unsure, make sure to use wheresthejump.com for descriptions/time stamps/ratings of jumpscares and check out doesthedogdie.com as well! doesthedogdie originated to warn about animal death in horror, but it has a wide array of phobias and potential triggers that it tracks too, so it’s good for a number of things.

also delving into horror that’s marketed for kids slaps. there’s a lot less possibility that it’s gonna be gross just for the sake of it and those usually don’t have jumpscares. they’re also a lot more creative! it’s why I added coraline and don’t look under the bed to the list, I truly just think horror that’s marketed for children is amazing bc it doesn’t have the ability to rely on tired, cheap gimmicks to get their scares. I hope this doesn’t come off as me being like patronizing or anything bc I truly am being genuine, like as a fan of the genre I just love children’s horror. I recommend that everyone checks it out bc it is absolutely unparalleled, so like definitely delve into that a little, too.

[mando-vibes]

Shiver

Series: To Him, with Love (Part 2)

(Part 1) (Part 3)

Pairing: Javier Peña x female reader

Summary: After Pablo Escobar is gone Javier finally returns home.

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: Angst, slow burn, there will be smut

A/N: Thank you all for all the kind things on the first part. It made my week. I do hope you like this part as well, tell me your thoughts! The song that goes with this part as they dance I highly recommend listening to while reading called “Crimson and Clover” and as said before I ALSO TAKE REQUEST FOR JAVI AND MANDO SO FEEL FREE TO SUBMIT WHATEVER YOUR HEART DESIRES!

Ah, now I don’t hardly know her

But I think I could love her

12 years prior

It had only been a matter of two hours since you had seen your brother, Damon, but to your mother who was now pacing the dining room screaming at you, well it seemed like days. This was how the cycle was for you being the eldest and much more mature sibling. You remember the night two years ago when Damon had driven your father’s 61’ Ferrari right into the town’s local bank high out of his mind.

 “(Y/N) I expect many things out of you. You know that. And one is to take care of family no matter what.” She had said that night.

 Now things were full circle and it was you who received the punishment once again for Damon’s whereabouts. Your mother finally shifted from the dining room and into the pantry using the phone to call whomever she thought could help. A knock on the door startled you from your roaming thoughts, making you turn towards the door and open it. Just outside was your friend Coraline. Her blonde hair laid curly and pinned up and she had a small sparkly dress that reached her mid thigh. 

“Hey babe, I just found out about this party and I guess it’s at some macho guys place. Wanna check it out? We never go out.” Coraline insisted. But before you could answer for yourself your mother had entered the door frame behind you.

“She’d love to, come in dear while (Y/N) gets ready. Your brother might be there.” She said, a smile laid sickly on her fake expression. You sighed, motioning for Coraline to come in.

 You weren’t the type of person to go to parties at all. In fact out of all your 18 years you had not been to any type of party. Your family on the other hand, have been so famous from your mother’s career in modeling, it made it hard to avoid parties. Socializing wasn’t your strongsuit and you weren’t even of age to drink. You decided to just make it your mission to find Damon and leave. It’s what your mother wanted anyway.

Hurryingly you found a skirt and long sleeve shirt to wear. Coraline told you it would be the closest thing to a somewhat college girl party goer you would look like. You fixed your hair, pinning it up like Coraline’s and decided on minimal makeup. It was no time to impress anyone, just time to fit in with the crowd. 

“I think it is time for you two to go. Find Damon (Y/N) or I will not be happy.” Your Mother mumbled the last part under her breath and handed you her keys. 

You sighed, taking them into your hand and holding them tight, “I will make you happy. I promise.”

***

The drive to the party was not that long but the information you gathered from Coraline was that it was for mostly college graduates celebrating their success. It wasn’t surprising information but it made you even more anxious given how young you both were. You noted to keep an eye on Coraline so that she would not get taken advantage of by any of these guys.

Once you entered the small tavern you immediately found Damon. He was on top of the pool table raising a glass of unknown alcohol and yelling, “One for the DEA! I love drugs too!” over and over again. You gathered the courage to push through the crowds of men and pull at your brother’s pant leg.

 “Damon! Damon! Come on!” You yelled but the music was too loud.

Before you could make much more of a fool of yourself a pair of big hands covered yours and pulled them off of Damon’s jean sleeves. This gesture made you angry and you turned around to see the stranger who detested your moves. Your eyes sprung to life once you saw the man who was now looking at you.

He appeared to be in his mid twenties maybe. Dark hair and even darker eyes. The man had a thin mustache and stubble that spread across his jawline. He was beautiful, wearing a simple red and white checkered button up and dark jeans making it appear that he was older. You could drink him all day if you were allowed to. You didn’t have much experience with men or dating life in general since your waking hours were more focused on your mother and Damon’s antics.

“This is Damon (Y/L/N). You can’t go at him like that. I got him.” He said softly.

In a trance like state you nod and watch as the man helps Damon to his wobbly feet without any hesitation. He is laughing with Damon but you cannot make out what they were saying. With that, you watch as the stranger takes Damon upstairs and comes back down and throughout that whole time his gaze never really left you. He could have stared at the other pretty girls through the crowd who’d be more than willing to go home with him but he didn’t.

“I own the Tavern. He’s in my spare room hopefully sleeping it off. Looks like you could use a drink. What do you like?” He tentatively asked, furrowing an eyebrow.

Snapping out of your trance state, you blush and look down, away from his dangerous gaze. “I don’t know what I like.” You stated but instead of being disappointed the man simply goes towards the bar and asks for two whiskeys on the rocks.

When he came back he had the glasses, handing you one and begins talking.

“My name is Javier. I’m the new DEA agent your brother was so proudly shouting about. I don’t like drugs as you’ve been convinced.”

You smiled, twirling the ice in your glass out of nervousness. This man was toxic and you hadn’t even touched him.

“My name is (Y/N). I am that idiot’s sister and I came here tonight in search of him.”

Javier chuckled, tapping his glass to yours and then chugging it. You suppose you should do the same. The night stayed like that, Javier buying you drinks and him tapping his glass to it. You both talked about his new job and how stupid your brother could be. It was a game between you and him that made you feel special for the first time in your 18 years. Someone was actually interested in you. You wasn’t sure what it exactly meant but you felt so warm after the third one that you thought maybe it was love juice because all you wanted to do was climb on Javier’s strong thighs and tell him that you were his.

“Let’s dance.” Javier stated and you complied moving your hips to the beat everlessly.

He took the lead, coming closer but yet having a mutual respect to stay within the limits your body showed. Out of all the girls he could’ve had grinding on him you didn’t understand why he was okay with the lack of contact you instilled. 

“Maybe we should dance with other people.” You say matter-of-factly.

“Do you want to?” Javier asks, voice soaked in what you could only determine to be hurt.

You smiled, wanting the assurance that this is what exactly he wanted. “No, I like your button ups better than the other gentlemen here.” 

Javier chuckled, taking one hand and brushing it on the curve of your jaw. God you wanted him to touch you. It felt almost like extinct when you settled into his warm palm.

“And out of all the girls here- I picked the prettiest on accident. So I do have that going for me. But you do dance for shit.”

You blushed and rolled your eyes. Just as his other hand traveled to your waist a slower song began playing. You gather the strength to put your hands on his shoulders and caress them just as his hand had to your face. It all felt like a lul of a dream. It all felt good and you’d never danced so close to someone like this. Both your bodies had found their way to each other and his buttons tickled your navel.

Javi was in for it and he knew that. He wanted to kiss you, your breaths were already sharing the same air it seemed. But seeing as the way you were dressed you weren’t looking for that kind of entertainment tonight. Hell, he supposed that you weren’t looking for a dance but yet here you both were looking at each other as if you both were the last people to ever exist. 

He knew he needed to make a move before you slipped from his fingertips but all he could manage was caressing your facial features, dipping a hand at the nape of your neck. Your noses were practically touching and Javi never thought touching someone could feel this intimate but here they both were laying it out just like the romance movies made it feel. It made him scared and excited all at once.

Never had he met such a dominant girl like yourself. The way you walked in a bar full of mostly men and demanded for your brother turned him on to where he had to fix himself before everyone could see it to. This little girl, all hell bent on wanting what she thought was hers. Javi was a dead man at the sights of it.

Before he knew it, the slow song had ended and you were falling from his fingertips just as he thought you would. Damon came crashing down the stairs, yelling at a couple girls who swooned at him. Where was the hardass? The Javier Peña who was known for getting what he wanted. Javier hoped for you to return to him when things wouldn’t be so timely. But he was a man, a DEA agent at that. And he only had just met you so why did he shiver just looking into this little girl’s eyes?

“Looks like it’s time for me to hit it. Thanks for a dance Javi.” You said.

He nodded, mind racing and heart yearning. Javier knew that he was fucking in for it the moment he grabbed your hands to warn you, but he was good at not showing feelings and keeping his cool.

 “Goodbye Cinderella, maybe again?” He enquired.

You laughed at his joke, brushing through the crowd towards Damon. He had already downed a third of a beer and was about to take a shot with Coraline.

“Yeah,” You snorted, what would be the odds?

“Maybe.”

And at that Javier found another girl to occupy his racing thoughts and you pushed your brother and Coraline out the door.

Tags: @takemepedropascal​ @stevieharrrr​ @spookyold-saintjm​ @onebatch–twobatch​ @mrsparknuts​ @randomness501​

[nekoandfriends]

The Corrupted Truth: Chapter 1 - Encounter the inner demon

Before you began reading chapter 1, this chapter is different comparing to the comics/arts you drew for me-which is cool and awesome-but I’ll mentioned the quotes base on your comics/arts for both this and the second chapter, so don’t you worry, ok? Furthermore, let’s read it and solved this truth! Hope you enjoy this!! ❤❤❤❤❤ >w<

After Hakucho went missing last night, Clem became worried and asked some of the residents in the hotel if they seen her. Sadly, they didn’t see her anywhere except the last time they saw her. So, the residents of the Last Resort Hotel volunteers to help Clem find her and they all meet up outside of the Last Resort Hotel.

As they all outside of the Last Resort Hotel, Clem steps in front of the group and announced to them in a calm-yet worried-toned voice:

Clem: Thank you all for volunteering to help me to find Hakucho. We all know she began to act strange since we last saw her before went missing. I have searched every floors and still no sign of my beloved swan, but the queen over there *pointing at Queenie who waves at the group* suggests that we should searched for her at the surrounding landscape, which is the dark forest that was in a far distance from this hotel. The forest is the one place we hope Hakucho is out there somewhere. So, let’s head to the forest and find Hakucho before any bad happens to her.

After that, Clem, Ranze, Kalika, Rachel, Minny, Jane, Irene, Tanya, Queenie, and Flare enters the dark forest while Sand Citrine, Bun bun, Val, Jazzy, Paloma, Coraline, Sidney, Keith, and the triplets (Nikki, Ginny, and Lindsey) follows them behind. Some calls Hakucho’s names while others look through the bushes and the trees to see if Hakucho is hiding there; But the more deeper they walked in the forest, the more darker it is as well as the fog that surrounds around them, which is more creepier than they excepted to be.

Sand Citrine: *got scared and holds Bun bun’s arm* Goodness....This place is giving me goosebumps...How are we gonna find her if the forest became more darker and scarier than the other scary movies?

Bun bun: *pats Sand’s head* Don’t worry, Sand. I’m sure we’ll find her...*gulped as he feeling frightened too*...if nothing scary creatures is gonna s-scared u-

Suddenly-before he could finished his sentence-Bun bun saw a screeching bat flew past him and Sand, which cause both of them to shriek in fear and hug each other after the bat flew into the mist. Once the bat is gone, Sand and Bun bun looks each other before letting go from the hug and look away from each other; Sand Citrine blush as she stares down at the ground while Bun bun blush and rubbed his arm.

Sand Citrine: *blushes as she began to look at Bun bun* W-well.....um...That bat scare us pretty good, huh?

Bun bun: *blushes still and looks at Sand* Yeah...heheheh.....

Coraline: *looks behind Sand Citrine and Bun bun* Come on you two. We don’t have time to goofing around. Hakucho is out there, acting so strange, and we need to find her.

Sand Citrine and Bun bun nodded in agreement and went ahead of them as they continue searching for her. Every areas they looked, the groups still see no sign of their swan friend.....until Minny noticed a kimono swept in the darkness as the figure walks past them, which could be Hakucho for sure. Minny calls out of them that Hakucho is over there, and they followed the same direction “Hakucho” went. As they follows the path, they finally found “Hakucho”, who is standing there away from them without a single move.

Minny: There she is! *pointed at Hakucho* Don’t worry guys, I know what I gonna say.

Mr. Goldy: Wait Minny, I don’t think you should do th-

Minny: *calls out to “Hakucho”* HEY HAKUCHO! YOUR BOYFRIEND IS WORRIED FOR YOU!! *pointed at Clem who blush*

But no respond from Hakucho after Minny calls her; just silent and moveless until the fogs began to faded slowly to reveal that person is not Hakucho anymore, but rather this is now...Kuroi Tsubasa herself. The groups gasped as they finally saw her after the fogs fades away. Clem is the first person to asked Kuroi in a worried and trembling toned voice.

Clem: Kuroi, where’s Hakucho? What did you do to her? I thought you’re our allies, our friend....

Still, no respond from Kuroi Tsubasa as she coldly glares at him before she finally speak up in a dark and grimly voice in which chills their spines down in fear.

Kuroi Tsubasa: Your allies? Your friend? Please, I only help the liars like you, because Hakucho told me so....I’m just her inner demon, not just a friend you thought I was; In fact, I don’t think you guys are not a friend of Hakucho...and me as well. It’s a shame that even love-including friendship-is a bunch of sham to her..both ”naive” life and afterlife, where the world is covered with loneliness and hatred from the likes from y-

Flare: *yells at Kuroi Tsubasa in a rage toned voice as she feels the monstrous form inside her* SHUT THE HECK UP, YOU TRAITOR!! I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE SAYING, BUT ALL I WANT IS HAKUCHO TO RETURN TO US SAFETLY!! IF YOU DON’T CHANGE BACK TO THE REAL HAKUCHO WE ALL ADORE HER AS FRIEND, THEN I’LL BURNED YOU UP LIKE A CRISPED TREE!! DEMON AGAINST GHOST!!! RRRRROOOOOOAAAAARRRRR!!!

Flare roars as her red aura becomes brighter while others backs away from her. She then transformed into her monstrous form and began to lunge at Kuroi Tsubasa, ready to strike her down. Paloma calls out to Flare in worried as she senses something bad that will occurring now.

Paloma: Esperar, Flare! Don’t attack h-

Before Flare could attack Kuroi while Paloma almost finished her sentence, Flare in her monstrous form was halted by Kuroi Tsubasa’s telekinesis as she growls as Kuroi in rage; Kuroi stares at her with a cold and menacing glare. 

Flare: *struggles to get free from the telekinesis* LET ME GO!!!

Kuroi Tsubasa: ….Let you go? I don’t think so......”demon”....Tell me, is your monstrous form with your fire powers can actually defeated me that easily? No. I’m Hakucho’s inner demon, and inner demon is stronger than a hellish demon like you....So....OUT OF MY WAY!!!!

Kuroi Tsubasa then telekinesis her in a cruelty way to the tree, causing Flare to yelped in pain as she wham onto the tree and transforming back to her normal form while feeling in severe injury. Sand, Bun bun, Paloma, Val, Jazzy, Minny, Sidney, and Keith went to aid her while the others stared at Kuroi in both upset and frighten; Kalika sneer in anger as she began to distrusted Kuroi Tsubasa as friend while Jin hissed. 

Kalika:  Why are you like this, Kuroi? We see you as friends when we first met you, but now you’re evil?? Tell us why you are controlling Hakucho? 

Kuroi Tsubasa stares at her before began to laugh in hysterically nonstop. Her evil laughs echos the dark forest as groups listens to her laugh in dismay; She then stops laughing as she wipes the tear away from her eye and gives them a scary look before responding with a horrific and dark toned voice.

Kuroi Tsubasa: You idiots don’t get it....Hakucho is no longer here for you...nor you know her....I keep her hidden from pathetic groups like you....Haven’t you heard what I said? I’m a inner demon of her, and I made a decision since your demonic friend tried to attack me.......You have no prove to be her friends as well as her true love...for I, Kuroi Tsubasa, shall punished you all for not knowing the sins....SHE COMMITTES!!!!!

Kuroi Tsubasa’s pine green auras began to glow brighter as she expand her long wing-like hair larger-like Yveltal-that blocks the moon’s light; As she does that, Kuroi Tsubasa menacing stares at them before roars in full wrath, which sounds like Yveltal. Queenie had no choice but to fight her by summoning her dark purple aura flames as Irene summoned her swords. After they summoned their powers, some of the groups-like Ranze, Tanya, Coraline, Mr. Goldy, Rachel, and Jane embraces for the impact battle while others protects both injured Flare and themselves as Clem stares at this moment in shocked.

Jane: Well...We’re f***.

============== To be continued for Chapter 2 ==============

(Minny, Val, Jazzy, and Jane belongs to @nerdgirl113 , Mr. Goldy belongs to @danisha-tdh , Queenie belongs to @queenieboo22 , Rachel, Sidney, & Keith belongs to @just-here2draw ,Sand Citrine, Bun bun, & Flare belongs to @cheetahgem , Paloma belongs to @kokoronbain , Coraline, Kalika, Tanya, & Irene belongs to @hotelmist​ , Ranze belongs to @ranze​ , and Nikki, Ginny, Lindsey, and Clem belongs to Nintendo)

[reddie-fangirl24]

Coraline or Corpse Bride!!! I LOVE THOSE MOVIES :]

Support me on my Ko-Fi!

“Don’t stay out too long, Eddie! It was raining out and you know what rain does to your asthma! Do you have your inhaler?” His mother urgently called out to him as Eddie was putting on his rain poncho. 

“Yes, mom,” Eddie said to her, politely. 

“Be back in a half-hour, Eddie-Bear!” she blew him a kiss as she was clearing out the numerous boxes from the move. 

A half-hour. Guess that was enough time to explore what he could of this new place. When they first drove in, he saw a couple of the neighbors. He had doubts that his mother would let him meet them. Eddie was very surprised that they didn’t move to a secluded area this time around. 

Putting those thoughts aside, Eddie walked through the garden of The Pink Palace. Most of the flowers were dead. Wait until his mother found out that this place had a garden. Was she even going to allow him to leave the house at all? 

Grabbing a stick, Eddie decided to play a little game. Pretending that it was guiding him throughout the rest of the grounds, the land was bigger than he imagined. As he was walking beside a wall of rocks, Eddie jumped when he heard a couple of rocks falling down. Taking a puff from his inhaler, Eddie called out, ‘Hello?”

It was just a cat who jumped down to one of the rocks out of nowhere scaring him. He took another puff from his inhaler. “Stupid cat! You scared me!” 

The black cat turned its head up at him like a dog. Was he allergic to cats? Like his mother told him he was allergic to dogs, hamsters... pretty much anything that had fur. Eddie decided to move on.

Eddie walked into an open area that had a great view of the Pink Palace. He remembered the owners of the house talking about a well to his mother. Of course, she didn’t want him to go near it fearing that he’d fall down and break his neck, Eddie was curious. Holding out the stick, Eddie’s voice echoed across the land, “Oh, great dowsing rod, show me where the well is!”

The sound of a horn honking startled Eddie. Almost falling to the ground, Eddie screamed when a terrifying person wearing a skeleton mask raced towards him. Screaming Eddie shielded himself,m only for the person to take the stick he had out of his hand.

Lifting up his skeleton mask, the boy with thick glasses studied the stick. “What’s so interesting about a stick? You don’t have a big enough one in your shorts?”

Turning his nose up, Eddie stood up, dusted himself off, and went right up to the boy, socking him in the arm. “You asshole! You scared me!”

“Ow!” The boy winced, holding his arm in pain. “Where are you from? Texas?”

“Michigan,” Eddie corrected him.

“And why’d you move to Derry, Maine, the most boring town on earth?”

“Do you get into everyone’s private business?” Eddie asked him, taking a moment to study the boy more. He liked wearing crazy Hawaiian shirts, that was for sure. And he had wold black curly hair. Of course, he was taller than him. Everyone had to be taller than him.

“As I said, this is the most boring place on earth!” He shrugged. Just then that black cat Eddie saw earlier hopped onto the boy’s shoulders.

“Is he yours! He scared me half to death earlier,” Eddie said, sneering at the cat.

“No, but he comes to my window late at night and brings me dead mice!” He giggled sinisterly like one of those diabolical villains from a cartoon show. 

Knowing that he wasn’t going to get anywhere with this kid, Eddie shook it off. “Look, I’m just trying to find a well, okay? Do you know where it is?”

“Well, you stomp any harder and you could fall right through!” He indicated to the ground of which he was standing. Briefly alarmed, Eddie scrambled off the hood of the well. Leaning down, Eddie watched as he lifted up the lid with a stick to uncover it.

Cautiously, Eddie took a step to look down the well. Nothing but darkness.

“Some say that if you fall down the well, you fall for hours until you finally reach the bottom. And then when you look up, there are stars,” the boy explained in fascination. He fixed his glasses as he did which fell down his nose. 

Eddie turned his head up in fascination. The cat copied him. He barely had any friends growing up. His mother was always cautious about who he hung out with fearing that it would damage his health. 

“So, you moved into The Pink Palace?” The boy asked indicating to the building from where they were standing. 

“Yeah,” Eddie responded. He was still taken by how deep the hole was.

The boy snickered. “Surprised my parents let you move in.”

Eddie looked up at him. “What do you mean?”

Shrugging, the boy with thick glasses traced a line in the dirt with the stick. “This used to be my grandma’s place before she died. Dad claims that she had a twin who disappeared and was never found. Normally, they don’t sell rooms to families with kids.”

Feeling his heart start to pound, Eddie took out his inhaler and took a puff. “Better not tell that story to my mom.”

“Or what? She’ll run for the hills?” he laughed, petting the cat who nuzzled against him.

Turning his nose up, Eddie couldn’t lie. His mother ran for the halls when had something as little as a paper cut. The violent yank of his hand when she pulled him to numerous doctors’ appointments was so rough that Eddie was surprised his arm never ripped out of his socket. 

“Anyway, my name’s Trashmouth!” The boy introduced, holding his hand out.

Unsure of whether to shake his hand or not, Eddie was drawn to how soft it looked. It was odd that he was only wearing one glove on the other hand. “Trashmouth?” he questioned. 

“It’s really Richie Tozier, but I call myself ‘Trashmouth. I bet you can guess why,” Richie smirked at him.

“That’s not hard at all,” Eddie rolled his eyes.

“So, do you have a name? What do you call yourself?”

“My name is Eddie?”

“Are you sure it’s not Eds?” Richie playfully nudged him.

“No, it’s just Eddie! Eddie Kaspbrak!” Eddie stomped his foot to the ground. He was really beginning to test his patience. 

“Come on, everyone needs a nickname! You have to add a little excitement to your name, Eds!”

“Don’t call me Eds!” Eddie socked him across the arm again. 

“Jeez! Do you own a punching bag or something?” Richie rubbed his sore arm. Just then somebody called ou to Richie from a distance. Based on Richie’s reaction, he wasn’t too fond of who was calling for him.

“I think I heard someone calling you,” Eddie mocked him.

“Is that the voice in your head?” Richie retorted before the voice called out to him again. Picking up his bike, Richie pulled the skull helmet back on his head. “Great to meet the spawn of Satan!” 

Eddie gave him the finger, gripping the stick in his hand that Richie through back on the ground. 

“By the way, I’d wear gloves next time,” Richie told him, indicating to the hand that had a glove.

“Why?”

“Cause, there’s a lot of poison oak around here, and that dowsing rod is one of them.”

Screaming, Eddie took out all the disinfectant from his pockets to clean his hands. Richie took off on his bike laughing as Eddie blew a raspberry at him. He turned to look back at the cat who shook his head as if he could understand what they were saying. And then he ran off in the direction that Richie went. 

What was in this well? How far did it go? Eddie was going to find out until it started raining. And his hand itched like crazy. Not to mention, his mother was hollering for him to come home. 

[shybunnystudios]

chapter 02

word count: 2654

“I pretend I’m not anxious, but oh. You’re driving me crazy.”

- Demi Lovato

- No, Jimin! No fucking way you’re doing my makeup!

- I’ll choose your outfit then and you have to wear it. - he playfully said, making his way to my closet.

- In your dreams...

It was finally friday, the day of the party which Jimin almost begged on his knees for me to go. My colleague had let him join too, causing his excitement to practically triple the size today. I did my makeup while my best friend made a mess with my clothes, and me whole room too. I threatened him, saying I’d sleep in his bed when we’re back if he didn’t tided mine up before we go.

- Done. - I put the pinkish nude liquid lipstick back in the drawer, Jimin came up to see the results.

- You’re kidding, right?

- What?

- This is just what you wear everyday, you’re no fun! - he reopened my drawer and started making a mess in there too.

- Hey! The party’s at Hoseok’s, not here.

- Girl, you don’t have a single liquid eyeliner? - I snorted, annoyed, but lightly pushed his hand away and after going through the mess he made I gave him the only small flask of it that I had.

- Okay, come here. - he pointed to the only still available spot in my bed while opening the eye liner.

- No way, you’ll make me look like Katy Perry in that ancient Egypt music video.

- Stop the drama, I promise I’ll make the thinnest line possible if you agree on wearing a darker lipstick.

- Our friendship has too many negotiations, don’t you think? I’m already going to this party because of you.

Jimin groaned in pain with his hand on his chest, acting up.

- That was mean. - wiped off fake tears. - I’m here being a nice friend, wishing to make you look pretty for a night out with your college pals and that’s how you treat me? - his pretend crying voice made me laugh, I can’t with this boy.

- What a cry baby! - I got up from my mirror and sat on the bed. - I’ll wear a darker lipstick then, but nothing redish.

- What about a short dress?

- No.

- You’re no fun.

Half an hour later we were on our way to the party, I convinced Jimin on letting me wear a pair of jeans for comfort reasons, but I gave in to a cropped top he found in the back of the closet along with fishnet that showed above my pants’ waistband. It was a bit cold outside so I grabbed an oversized cardigan just in case, but Jimin just wore tight black jeans and a simple white shirt tucked in.

- You really showed up! - Moon Byul welcomed us by the door with one of the biggest smile I’ve seen on her. - Come on in, we’re all talking about Disney. Maybe Jimin will feel a bit lost, but you know… what do you expect when you get the Design and the Games classes together?

So this is the course that is doing the seminary with us, we laughed along as we followed her to the kitchen.

- Make yourselves at home, there’s alcohol but there’s some soda too. Get something and then joins us at the living room, okay?

As soon as she left Jimin attacked the first alcohol bottle he saw.

- You’re that desperate? - I joked, opening the fridge to get a can of soda for me.

- Shut up. - he laughed as he made his drink, then he seems to look at something out of the kitchen. - Angel, in what course that Jungkook guy is?

- I don’t know, I didn’t ask yet.

- What? How can you not ask that?

- I don’t know either, maybe nervousness. But why you ask? - I opened my can, leaning my body on the kitchen corner, facing him.

- Because I think I just found it out for you. - Jimin pointed with his head towards the living room.

And when I turned 180 degrees to look, there he was. Jeon Jungkook, laughing with a pizza slice in his hand on the couch. All the anxiety I brushed off came back at once hitting me like a train, fuck. I look back at Jimin, who now had a naughty smile on his face.

- No…

- Yes.

- No!

He finished making his drink and started pushing me not so gently towards the living room, almost making me pour my soda on the floor in the process.

- Wait, I’m seeing a mirage, right? - Yeonjun said when he saw me. - Sun Hee? In a party? - some of them laughed lightly, I already could feel Jungkook’s gaze on me.

- You’re so funny.

- And Jimin?

- I came along because or else your friend here would come at all. - Jimin mocked.

- At all? - I heard Jungkook ask with a low voice and finally looked at him, he seemed upset, thanks for nothing Jimin.

- Sure, it was only because of me and not the filled cup in your hand, of course! This knucklehead can’t even think about alcohol without wanting to drink it right away. - I mocked him back, winning some laughs.

- And you’ll stick with soda only? - Yeonjun asked.

- I’d reather too, already make too much mess while drunk so now I stay away.

- Oh… what’s up with that? Let us know the stor-

- She doesn’t like talking about it, - Jimin interrupted while sitting in an available armchair, he knows how this topic makes me uncomfortable. - now pass me a slice of pepperoni, please?

To my relief no one insisted and the previous subject was resumed, I noticed there was no available seat for me so I stayed standing beside Jimin’s armchair, but Jungkook soon noticed it and waved at me.

- Come here, I’ll seat on the sofa arm. - he got up and gave his spot on the couch to me, I thanked him and sat down. He sat on the sofa arm as he said, his thighs now being dangerously close to my face.

Since Jimin’s arm chair was perpendicular to the couch it was easy for us share eye contact, and obviously he has a naughty smile on at the moment. I rolled my eyes and reached out for a slice of pizza myself.

- Oh no! Don’t you guys talk about Coraline!

- Why not, Hoseok? That movie is amazing. - Yeonjun said.

- It scares me to death, when I watched it the first time I spent a whole week having nightmares about the “Other Mom”. - everyone laughed at the host’s story.

- If someone I know happened to be afraid of stop motion, it had to be you, Hoseok. - Jungkook made fun of Hobi as he leaned more and more on the back of the sofa, almost laying down behind my head.

I looked at Jimin, who raised an eyebrow suggestively at me before staring at the thighs of the brunette beside me. I gave him a questioning look, he laughed and then gave his pizza slice an exaggerated bite while looking at Jungkook’s thighs once again but with wide eyes this time, I had to hold back a good laugh but also became red in the face right away. At least him making me laugh helped me to relax once again.

- Sun Hee, why are you red? - Yeonjun provoked.

I spoke too soon.

- A-ah, I don’t know, am I? - I disguised it, putting a hand on my forehead as if measuring my own temperature. - I must be hot.

- Wanna go out take some fresh air? I’ll go with you. - Jungkook offered, worried.

Yeonjun growled suggestively, but Jimin had my back again and I decided to follow Jungkook despite being nervous as never before.

As soon as we walked out the glass door that took us to the backyard I regret leaving my coat at the kitchen, I don’t know if it was actually cold or if I was just anxious about being alone with Jungkook.

- Are you okay?

- Oh, yeah. I’m just really not used to coming to parties.

- I see, me neither to be honest.

- But you seemed to be having fun, or was you trying to find a way to talk to me by any chance? - I provoked, bringing back the day we met. He laughed, staring at the tiles on the ground.

- Maybe, was I too obvious? - I joined his light laughs, nodding my head exaggeratedly, playful. - But I’m really not much into parties indeed, I came tonight for them. They embraced me nicely since I moved here so I thought it would be impolite to refuse, it’s for sure fun sometimes but not usually my first plan.

I know it’s cliché, but Jungkook was different from most boys I’ve ever met. He was reserved but his shyness wasn’t in the way of his moves, however it helped on making them not be too bold. Everything about him seemed perfectly balanced, thing which scared and comforted me at the same time, see? Balance again.

We found a wood bench in the backyard and stayed sitting there for a while, talking about a few random subjects. Through text he was more shy, face to face he could go deeper with more freedom, it was cute how his eyes shined while we talked about the reason we choose our courses. He gestured around with his hands a lot, couldn’t stay in the same position for more than five seconds, checking my reaction at each detail he described. Everything sounded too personal, and he was trusting me to tell.

He looks gorgeous like that.

For a moment I imagined him talking like that about me, thought that made me smile and my heart race.

- You must think I’m crazy, you’re not saying a word. - he laughed slightly.

- Of course not, silly! Quite the opposite, I love listening to people talk about what they love. I’m just paying attention.

He smiled widely to me, thankful. Then offered to go get us something to drink, I volunteered to go with him but he insisted that I should wait. I took that time to think, I was very comfortable there with him, I’m not used to it but I like the feeling. Yeah, I think I really do like him.

- They’re playing truth or dare back inside, wanna join? - Jeon mocked, coming back with our drinks.

- Oh God, no way! - I laughed nervously, thanking him for the soda and taking a generous sip of it.

- Why? Bad nostalgia from high school? - he took his seat back beside me.

- I wish it was just it.

- Does it have to do with the incident you mentioned earlier? - I nodded.

- I had just turned eighteen and...

- You don’t need to tell me if you’re not comfortable with it, Sun Hee. - he interrupted.

- But I am… very comfortable, actually.

We locked eyes for a few seconds, the longest as I could look in his eyes without getting all red again.

- I had just turned eighteen and Jimin took me to a club to celebrate, we didn’t have many friends at school so it was just the two of us. I ended up drinking too much and he winged me for a guy, I lost my virginity and I don’t remember a single detail about how it was. - Jungkook was looking gently at me, paying attention. - I know it sounds stupid, but hook ups don’t make sense to me. So this episode haunted me for a long while, giving myself to a stranger just for the sake of getting laid, you know?

I felt Jungkook’s hand take hold of mine, caressing it lightly.

- It’s okay, I mean, to regret doing it. But it was experience that taught you something about yourself, if you hadn’t gone through this you wouldn’t know you don’t like it, right? - he smiled, I never thought about it that way.

- Thank you, Jungkook. For real.

- To be honest I also learned something similar in the worst way. - he lowered his head and it was my turn to caress his hand, encouraging him to open up to me once again that night. - I had a girlfriend once, we dated for eight months. We met at one of the few clubs I went my whole life too, where we hooked up and got each other’s numbers.

I smiled sadly at the fact that both our stories had in common.

- I don’t like hook ups as much as you, but back then I was experimenting indeed and it happened. The first months were very nice, enough to kill the need, you know? But I guess I got attached, I still don’t know exactly what it was, actually. - I tilted my head, confused.

- What do you mean?

- I think it depends on who it is, some people I just feel like hooking up but I don’t see me dating them, and vice versa. After some time we started fighting all the time because she wanted to go to clubs again, but I was over that phase because since we were together I had no reason to go. I told her that and she asked for a break, I went out the next weekend and found her hooking up with someone else. I lost feelings for her right there instantly and called her the next day ending things for once.

- Damn, right away like that?

- Yes, I was as confused as you now back then. I was so attached to her, but it seems like as soon as I saw it wasn’t mutual it was like I had flipped a switch inside me and I felt a awful feeling of emptiness for a while after that.

- Damn, Jeon. I never heard anything like this before, but I think it’s just how your body works, there’s nothing wrong with you. - we were sitting very close by now, approaching each other both physically and emotionally while we talked.

- I know, nowadays I deeply analyze what I feel before I get involved with someone. - I looked at him with one of my eyebrows raised.

- Was that supposed to be a move? - he laughed and turned to face me.

- If that’s how you saw it, maybe.

We locked eyes one more time, Jungkook changed his gaze from my eyes to my lips, what made me almost freak out. So I diverted my eyes and took a deep breath, disguising what my body felt.

- Thank you. - I let out quickly. - For making me feel safe to open up to you, and for trusting me to open up too.

- What? Sun Hee, no need to thank me. But if that’s the case, thank you too.

We locked eyes again, but this time our faces were even closed than before. His hot breath hit my face lightly, contrasting with the cold air of that night and sending a small shiver down my spine. I couldn’t help from changing my gaze to his lips as well.

Guess I already resisted for too long, right?

It wasn’t an intense kiss, but it was what we needed at the moment. It was delicate, almost like an ask for permission which both our racing hearts were enough to answer in sync.

- Sun Hee, are you free next saturday?

“Don’t even know where we’re going, you make me live in the moment. Keep driving us, baby.”

(Hitchhiker)

BTS MASTERLIST

main masterlist

[leviathan-open-ur-eyes]

All I ask of you

Here’s the story for @nightingalewitch hope you enjoy it~

Avery was getting stressed. Five trails in a row and not a single break. Most of the survivors she saw were not ones she wanted to go against. She didn’t have an issue with them, but some of them were just rude? Annoying? Insufferable? Yeah possible all of those. Avery hadn’t even bothered going back to her realm so instead she decided to hang out with Kenneth around the fire. Sure, there were others she could’ve chose but she didn’t feel like it. Most conversations went by quickly and she was awkward on her own without a conversation going the silence multiplied it. She took a seat next to Kenneth and placed her head in her hands. The man looked down at the red head he had come to know, “Long day huh Avery?” he coughed out, she sighed and looked at him, “Five trials in a row and I haven’t had a break yet. I’m hungry, tired and frankly I just want to go home and sleep for the next week.” Kenneth laughed and patted her on the back, “You can say that again.” But she didn’t. she just sat there and looked into the fire and felt its warmth. She wasn’t sure if this was still real. It felt like years being trapped in this hell. But there is no sense of time here in the entity’s realm, her phone is stuck at July 7th, 20XX and the time still reads 9:00 pm.

She couldn’t recall most of her past memories, the ones she did brought her happiness, sadness and nothing. She wishes she could reach out to her friends, to call them or hear their voices and not just the videos she recorded of all of them when they all spent time together. She smiles at that memory, she recorded everything they all did, from shows to cooking together to even Friday Movie Nights. Those were infamous in the Misfit household. Their basement was a movie lover’s dream, projector on the ceiling and a large wall to display the movies. Big bean bag chairs flooded the floors and piles of blankets were thrown into the corner by the door so that way when you entered you could grab however many you wanted and snuggle while watching whatever movie was picked for that night. God, she missed those days, she wondered if they were still doing them possibly without her… without bonnie… she wiped a tear from her cheek and stood up. “I’m going for a walk.” She said to Kenneth who nodded taking a sip of whatever he brought with him.

Before she could leave, she was stopped by Evan, he towered over her, tried to make her feel smaller than she already was but she wasn’t afraid of him. She didn’t even understand why the survivors were to begin with. He had nothing compared to the others, a typical whiny daddy’s boy who became just like his father. Avery knew his type and knew how to get under his skin. But she wasn’t in the mood for it… The trials had been horrible, for her at least, silence grew around the killers’ campfire as Evan got closer. “Heard you did poorly today, Avery.” The way he said her name made her skin crawl. She hated him, he never liked her as a survivor and would always go for her first. Kenneth mentioned that he enjoyed how she acted as a survivor, meek and scared. Like a mouse. It gave him a thrill. That thought disgusted her. “I did just as well as anyone else, Evan.” She spat his name as if it were venom.

“Really because if I remember correctly you failed to even stop them from leaving through the hatch. Not even a single kill how pathetic is that. Even Max over there can get a kill, can’t you freak?” Evan had called out to Max who shied away from them. “Leave him alone.” Avery said, she could stand getting picked on but when someone she considered a friend was dragged into it boy, she wasn’t having it. “Or what Belli?” Evan held his weapon up to her throat, “You think you can handle me?” it was a challenge. One Avery didn’t want to back down from. “She thinks she can.” Someone called from the campfire, looking over she noticed the legion sitting there looking amused, the three who wore masks removed them to get a better look at the fight. Laughter. It echoed around her and she grew more and more anxious as it did.

Kenneth stood up, put a hand on her shoulder, “Come on red don’t give in to…” it was too late, it had become too much and she lunged. It had caught him off guard as he fell onto the ground. She had him pinned beneath her, teeth bared and ready to rip his throat out. She could feel his weapon slashing at her back and arms. She felt him punch her in the ribs, but she didn’t give in. It was Kenneth who pulled her off of him, it was Kenneth who told her to leave and go rest up. He would take care of everything.

She stormed off into the dark woods towards the one large oak that stood out from the sea of trees. This is where she came to talk to the entity, she felt as if maybe the entity heard her, “I’m begging you. Let my trials be done for now. I don’t want to go back there… please?” silence filled the space where she stood, she wanted to cry, scream, something… but a voice echoed and granted her wish. She would have the night to herself… but like usual things come with a price. The voice told her she would have to put in more work or face being punished. Avery didn’t want to think of things to come. She was just so happy to be done. Running back to her realm she threw open the door, half expecting her friends to be there, but no. No one was there. Silence welcomed her and for a minute she just wanted to cry.

Sitting on the couch she leaned her head back and rested it on the back of it. She would need to clean up her wounds and she definitely needed to ice her whole left side. But she didn’t move instead she figured now would be a perfect time to get wasted. There was moonshine in the fridge, that could do the trick, she got up and walked over to the kitchen and flicked the lights on. Gens powered from today’s trials would keep the flow of things for days to come. She was thankful the entity knew of things that existed from everyone’s time. The entity truly is a god. She opened the fridge and took out a couple of bottles. Good old Max keeping the good times rolling. Avery didn’t bother with a glass instead she took the bottles and headed upstairs. She counted the rooms, Marceline, Elias, Toby, Cynder, Tomas and Sloth. She stopped at the last room; her hand ran over the door. Bonnie’s room. Avery knows there isn’t anything in there, no bed, no curtain lights, no desk no bookshelf no cute little plants she kept on the windowsill. Nothing. She needed to remind herself that. Avery took the doorknob and turned it.

The door creaked open and all that was inside was an empty room except for a few paintings on the wall and an empty bed in the corner all dirtied and molded. Avery shut the door and decided to head to her room. The one thing she did wish the entity would’ve given her in her realm is her memories. The rooms would all be there, filled with life, color and warmth. Though no one would ever live in them it would mean the world to be surrounded by the things she once knew. Her room was the only thing that held any life to it. All her old things were there, well most of her old things anyways, she walked over to the large beanbag and sat down. A movie might take her mind off of the stress. Avery thought of what to watch, horror? Nah it would dampen her mood and make it unenjoyable. Rom-com? She wasn’t used to those movies, too sappy for her tastes. Thriller? Documentary? Nothing seemed enjoyable, one movie she could watch without having to actually pay attention to it was Coraline.

Settling on that she got up and fished for the dvd. Once it was located, she popped open the case, took it out, and put it into the player. In a few seconds the movie started, Avery returned to the beanbag and opened the bottle, the taste of moonshine burned her throat, but it wasn’t meant to taste good it was meant to take the pain away. Avery just wanted to drink until she the world around her disappeared and she could soothe the aching that lingered inside of her. It was a mix of guilt and self-hatred. Guilt of leaving those she loved behind, guilt of getting the one she loved killed, guilt of running away. But was she really even sure Bonnie had died? Avery tipped the bottle again this time taking a small sip. It stopped burning now. If she could only contact them, she had so much she wanted to ask them and so much she wanted to say. But she knew that wasn’t possible and it hurt her. All she wanted to do now was curl up in her beanbag and sleep the rest of her life away. But the entity wouldn’t allow that, she would punish Avery for disobeying the laws she had set for everyone.

Before she knew it the bottle of moonshine was gone and her eyes were clouded, her cheeks flushed, and her movements felt sluggish. Did it matter that she was drunk? She didn’t have to go to trials anymore so who gives a shit if she blacked out. Avery was turning into an alcoholic, there wasn’t much to do here besides that, or drugs brought in by the legion. Hell, she even figured some of the survivors had some weed growing around their area. She figured maybe she would go for a walk just to clear her head. The feeling of drunkenness would wear off shortly as it usually does. So, Avery paused the movie, got up and headed down the stairs towards her front door. Opening it she was surprised to see Nea standing there, why was she here? Survivors never came to killer realms… at least as far as she knew anyways. Nea stood there, she was shivering, of course she would be she only wore a green tank top and black skinny jeans. To top off her outfit she always had on a beanie, it reminded Avery of her very own beanie the one she left at home that night… god she wished she had it now.

“Can I come in?” she asked.

Avery thought for a moment. “Sure.”

Avery moved out of the way and allowed Nea into her home. Shutting the door behind her she looked at her once former friend. “Why are you here?” the tone of her voice even made her want to leave. She would slap herself later for that. “I heard you got into it with you know who…” Nea said walking around the living room and towards the kitchen. She did so as if she’s been here dozens of times. “How do you know about that?” Avery looked scared as if a big secret had gotten out. Nea pointed at her arms, “Besides the obvious? Apparently, everyone knows…” She took hold of Avery’s hand and examined her arm, “You got a first aid in this place?”

“Upstairs… in my room.” Avery felt flustered telling her that.

“Well come on then I’ll patch you up.”

Walking behind Nea she felt a little embarrassed, she was bringing someone into her room, no one had seen her room here. She felt like this was a date. But it wasn’t Nea was just checking up on her. Maybe she would want to stay the night and watch a movie or two. If not she knew Susie wouldn’t turn her down. Her face grew redder. Girls made her nervous. Girls were pretty. Girls were beautiful and her? she was the complete opposite of that. Avery wasn’t pretty, or graceful, she was a tomboy. Most of her male friends considered her one of them. Hell, she even took hold of how they acted and made it part of her personality. Baggy clothes that never framed her figure correctly, crocs… not that there was anything wrong with crocs…. But she just never really fit the mold of attractiveness.

“So, do you wanna go in first? It is your room after all.” Nea was standing by the closed door, Avery nodded and opened it. Nea didn’t say much at first but she looked over every inch of her room, “This is your room?” she questioned, and Avery nodded, “Yea sorry it’s messy.”

“No, I love it! Its so big and spacious nothing like mine back home…” the words fell out her mouth and she stood there, “D-did you need the first aid kit?” Avery asked, “Oh yeah sorry.” Avery went into the bathroom and dug around under her sink for the first aid she knew would always be there. Bringing it out to Nea, “You want me to sit?” Avery asked. “Of course.” Nea chuckled. Avery sat on her beanbag and held out her arm for the girl. She began patching up her wounds, the peroxide burned but how gently Nea patted the cuts made it hurt less. “So, I was wondering if you wanted to stay over?” Avery’s voice was weak. But she was hopeful.

“Oh? I’ve never been asked that before. But sure, why not.” Avery felt her stomach do flips she was happy and excited, “You can have my bed tonight, we can watch movies and I’m sure I can make popcorn or something to snack on.” Her mouth felt like it could keep talking, just pour everything out to Nea but she decided to just stop talking.  Nea smiled, she hadn’t felt like this in a long time, perhaps she could talk to Avery like old times. “You know you may have traded sides but you’re still the goofy lovable nerd we came to know.” Nea said and Avery felt her face flush. “I missed you guys….” Avery needed to talk, get it off her chest. She couldn’t always confide in Kenneth; he wouldn’t always understand how she felt or why she missed being a survivor. “I miss Dwight, Meg, Claudette and hell even everyone else. Even the ones I haven’t actually met yet.” Nea looked up at the redhead, “They miss you too.”

“How’s Jake? You know I don’t get him often in my trials to even apologize to him.”

“He’s okay… mostly hurt. Losing you kinda hurt him. He was really close to you.” Nea spoke softly. “It hurt us both.”

“I’m sorry. I thought she was going to let me go…”

“And you believed her?”

Avery looked at Nea, tears were in her eyes. The promise of seeing her loved ones again was too good to pass up. Now she lives her life as a killer. And she regrets ever believing the entity.

“I’m sorry.”

Nea finished bandaging up Avery’s wounds. She stood up and walked in front of the girl. “S-so do you want to watch movies or what?” Avery smiled, “I was watching one already if you wouldn’t mind me restarting it to finish it with you.” Nea nodded and then realized she would have to sleep in her clothes, shrugging she began to take off her pants, Avery who had went over to restart the movie didn’t even notice until she turned around to grab the other beanbag in the opposite corner. “Y-you want some pj pants? I have some.” She wasn’t worried about her being without pants she just didn’t know if she could handle seeing Nea in her black panties. “No, I’m good. Let’s get this movie night going!” Avery swallowed and pressed play.

Nea couldn’t focus on the movie, she was here to see if Avery would come with her, back to being a survivor. Sure, she would have to adjust back to that life, but it sure beat the hell out of having to kill her friends over and over again. How would she do it though? She didn’t want Avery to cry herself asleep night after night, she was all alone here and it tore at Nea’s heart. The movie had ended, and Avery got up to put on another one, this time Nea’s choice. As it began playing Avery spoke, “This has been the best night ever.”

“We’re just watching movies it’s nothing that great.” Nea joked.

“Sure but at least I get to spend it with you.”

Nea’s heart sunk.

“Avery, you don’t know...”

“I know I was hard to deal with sometimes,” Avery said. One thing Nea knew about Avery was how much her self-hatred could overpower anything she felt. Even Nea’s reassurances on how much she wasn’t. “I know I was a problem child,” Avery persisted, fighting back tears in her eyes. She had looked so happy just a moment ago and now she looked like the world just dropped all of its weight on her shoulders. “I’ve caused so much shit for Oba. That’s probably why my mom left me. Why she forced my father to leave me behind while they went and had a happy life without me. I can’t blame them. I mean, look at me. I’m a monster… I deserve to be here. I deserve this.” Avery looked like she wanted to scream or throw something, but she didn’t have the energy. “I can’t even imagine all the shit I put you through, Nea. I don’t even know why you’re here… with me, someone who murders you over and over again for fun. How can you still look at me the same?”

Nea held back her wince. She went over to her and knelt down. She didn’t want to hear those words. She wished she could stay with Avery forever. Protect her from anything this world would throw at her. But even she knew that was selfish. Nothing could protect them.

“Avery, I care about you. Deeply,” Nea said firmly, and the words were truer than Avery would ever know. She tried to meet Avery’s gaze, but the redhead was staring at her floor. Nea continued, “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be.”

“I want to believe that. And I wish I could,” Avery stood up and paced about her room. Her claws extended, ready to dig into something or someone. Nea took a step back in fear of her. Avery took notice and it seemed as if she would laugh but she didn’t she just continued on, “But everyone who says that leaves. My father told me that and he left. Bonnie said that too...”

The tears streamed down her face, she looked so pitiful, Nea wanted to hug her. Kiss her. Tell her everything would be okay. But even she knew it wouldn’t be. Avery ran a ragged sharpened finger over her bare arm, with a swift movement she sliced her skin, Nea watched as she did it a few more times before she finally ran at her. Nea grabbed her hand, “Stop! You don’t have to do this to yourself!”

Avery winced away from her touch, Nea reached up and cupped her face in her hands. “Can we talk for a little bit?” Avery nodded.

“I need to tell you something now and I need you to listen to me okay? I don’t know why this has been eating away at me, oh my god I’m so dramatic like I don’t know…. I’m just here trying to get you  to hear me out, but I’ve had the biggest crush on you for so fucking long like I’m not even joking like the first time I saw you I was like who is that cause you are 110% my type. Like no joke I’m not even lying. You’re so attractive and like I just want to protect you. I would give my life for you. You’re so caring and so sweet and you just get along with everyone. Literally you got everything going for you not even joking like you have your shit together.”

Nea hadn’t stopped talking even if she knew Avery wouldn’t believe it, she had to try. “You're attractive you have a good sense of fashion you have like a good heart like I am so attracted to you not even gonna lie like I might be making a fool of myself right now if I am like lock me up take me away cause like you probably could tell cause I literally told everyone that like I was in love with you. Like that I’m actually in love with you cause like I never said it to you and you never said it back but like in my mind I was in love with you so like it probably got around and you probably like know that but I just wanted you to hear it firsthand that I love you but like I don't know how you feel. I didn’t know this could be that hard for me cause I'm terrible at like expressing my emotions like really bad and I feel like this is going really badly but I don't know, something about you like I don't know why…you literally have like so many people coming after you but like how are you single? Why am I acting like I have a chance like I don't know,” Nea laughed which made Avery smile a bit.  

“Well honestly no I need to have a good mentality like why aren't we dating like why aren’t we engaged I'm joking. But honestly like I totally like respect what you feel if you don't feel the same way because in the end like I want you to be happy cause genuinely you are the sweetest person I've ever met and I only want the best for you I can't even express like how you make me feel and it's not it's not like we kissed… it's never been like anything romantic but you just make everyone around you feel so damn comfortable and I'm very confused because I felt no anxiety talking to you and I never felt judged or like I couldn’t say anything to you. No matter what I said you would understand or at least like even if you didn't go through it you would still like understand. I don't know I really don't know, and you asked the reason why I haven't dated anyone cause honestly like I couldn't. I have had the biggest crush on you forever and I can't bring myself to actually look at anyone else because I know you're the one that I want to be with. I want someone that you. I don't know maybe I just like the chase no I'm just kidding I don't like I don't know I don't want someone that's like super obsessive or something or clingy and I know you're not like that and you're so respectful like you compliment all my outfits even if they don’t look good. You actually like the outfit like it's not even like…” Nea was losing her train of thought she was just letting her feelings out. “you're such like a genuinely good person OK I'm telling you this I just wanted to let you know because I feel like it's been long overdue like way long overdue so yeah you don't have to say anything back and you don’t have to say you feel the same way cause you might not like there's so many people out there like it's so hard to find someone that's  you like and they like you back like I get that but you know if we don't talk again after this I just want the best for you and like I  may not be the best for you. But I love you Avery. Do you understand? I love you.”

Avery smiled and said, “I love you too.” She felt Nea pull her close and she hadn’t felt this warmth in a long time. It was like being hugged by a warm fire. The warmth wasn’t leaving her, why wasn’t Nea letting go of her? “N-Nea let me go… I don’t want to be hugged anymore…” but she couldn’t pull away. Everything was spinning, the world around her going dark and she shut her eyes, when she opened them she was back at the campfire. Kenneth looked down at her, “You enjoy your nap? You’re wanted for another trail better get going Red.”

[snowwritesall]

Writing update #2 Anathema + new WIP!

Hi folks, hope y'all have been doing well and staying healthy - I've had a pretty trying week and my financial situation is gonna be tight at best for the next few months but I'm still trying to maintain a positive outlook. With that being said, I'm gonna give you guys some updates and excerpts on my current WIP, Anathema, and a new novel that I started the other day (yes I'm well aware I have way too many wips but I'm dumb and listen to no one's advice :)

Anyway, that being said, onto the updates!

Anathema is my surreal sci fi novel that I came up with last year and has spent many months under development. A brief summary on the novel for you!

The tea on my novel: 

I absolutely love the concept of my novel - keeping in mind that there is a lot of the plot hidden because I don’t want to spoil the entire book - however, there are a lot of things that need work. Seraph - my main character - still feels a little flimsy and underdeveloped - as well as my side characters, who have had limited interactions with Seraph throughout the novel as far - mainly due to the reason that I’ve been focusing on narrative rather than characters. The next thing that I’m finding is a problem is that there’s barely any dialogue between what character interaction I do have. I’ve been focusing a lot on the vibe and feeling of my book - I really want to create an eerie, almost alien feel, without being fully horroresque - think Coraline x Limbo. 

The things that I do like about my novel: 

- I really love the literary devices that I’ve come up with to help give the story that eerie vibe I want. 

a) Really weird rhetorical questions

b) interjections of two unknown characters that comment on Seraph and his friends when they’re together

c) POV of animals and inanimate objects 

Here are some examples of both: 

a)  Really weird rhetorical questions

The wind seems strangely muted to Seraph, as if moving through a half-awake dream, or sinking in murky water that chills the bones.

Why does the water hurt? This is only one of the questions hurtling through his mind, but there are many more barrelling inside his head; a turbulent chamber of thoughts and unspoken quandaries that crescendo in the night hour. He is curious. And that - that, is what will save him.  

ai)

The beetles crawl up the blackened bark, wings glistening from between the cracks. They make soft, chittering noises as they climb aimlessly up the branch. Their path is strangely linear, their wings a malachite soaked fluorescent in the bitter, fuse sharp breeze. If they were to travel down the length of Seraph's spine; their strange, crackled wings fluttering against his ashen, ghostly skin; they would calm him as they walked up the shallow curve of his spine and nestled in his hair, a dim saucer of moonlight that they would bathe in.

Is the moon ever lonely?

b)   Interjections of two unknown characters that comment on Seraph and his friends when they’re together

“What was it like?”

His voice shakes as he asks, still staring at his hands. Wilbur is teething his lip, his jaw hardening like clay left in the sun.

  “Were there others? Are we the only ones left?”

Are we the only ones left?

They both look scared, don’t they?

     No. Not scared. Doomed.

Why are they doomed?

      Because they were never meant to be here.

Wilbur continues to stare out at the forest, and after a moment takes a few steps forward, shoveling his feet into the soil; the wind rifling through his clothes. He looks like a scarecrow made of marble, distant, ghostly - not real.

  Were any of them real?

c) POV’s of animals 

Seraph had stroked the snake gently, the scales cold and undulating under his fingers, the snake mothers eyes dark and pupils, her nose nudging the wings of the fledglings.

“Don’t eat your babies, mother snake. They love you. Don’t leave them.”

I have found my new children. My own children were buried in a sandstorm, and I milked my venom from my teeth on the carcass of a deer. There was no one to sing them to sleep as they died. I will listen to this strange boy. I will take care of my children.

I will not leave them.

ci) 

The forest is very cold for us. Even we, with our wings like a shield and a fur coat, even we feel the wind. The bark splinters are like earthquakes under our feet, even though there have been no earthquakes for centuries. We remember. We remember when the earth shook and trembled, and when we would seek shelter amongst the splintering trees and scuttle for cover under broken fern leaves. He comes to see us. The boy with curious eyes that glint like the rock in the sky, his hands are as pale as the eggs the birds lay. He brushes his fingers across our coats, and we shiver; with a strange fear and an even stranger contentment. We are not alone.

 He is not alone. 

Here are some excerpts from the novel that I really like: 

- POV of the boy that drowned in the lake. Seraph remembers this when he looks at the jars of butterflies that he keeps on his windowsill. The clear, glossy surface reminds him of how the lake looked when he watched some of the village men pull the boy’s body out of the lake. 

- Seraph is remembering the first time that one of the children stuck their head in the guillotine in the schoolyard. He remembers thinking how odd it was that they would have something so dangerous where children could find it. Maybe they wanted them to use it. 

Seraph is watching his school teacher polish the guillotine blade through the cover of pine trees. One of his friends, Beluah, creeps up behind him and startles him. They both watch the teacher and talk. 

More commentary of Seraph and Beluah watching the teacher together: 

Okay, that’s all on this novel for now, onto the new WIP! 

Basically, this idea arose from two things - I felt like I was constantly writing in the same sort of style - ie, cold rivers, frost, rain, foggy forests - and I was majorly inspired by Fairytales for Wilde Girls by Alysse Near. This woman has an absolutely INCREDIBLE writing style - I would compare it to the bright and shiny treasures that magpies collect, and her plot and characters are amazing; so a big part of why I’m writing this is because of her. 

The characters appeared really easily to me, and after only a few minutes, I already could feel them writhing around alive inside my mind. But, before I tell you about the characters, a summary of the novel for you! 

When three dead girls show up at school with flowers where their eyes should be and birds living in their chests, Ariel isn’t sure what to think. She’s never really been sure what to think, since her mother sells beads and homemade jewelry for a living and her sister is a snake. Well, two snakes, really. Her parents keep strange things in the closet, like elephants with jellyfish swimming in their stomachs and siamese twins with leopard skins in the attic. And then there’s that strange girl that lives in the mirror.

When three dead girls demand to be brought back to life, you start to panic a little when you realise the closest things you’ve made come alive are the ragdolls in your toy chest.

It gets even worse when they tell you you only have a month or they’ll take you back to the underworld with them. Then you really begin to freak out. And begin to have a mental break down in the middle of class which involves involuntary tap dancing (Except the tap dancing is actually crying. Ariel doesn’t own tap dancing shoes. Not even doll tap dancing shoes.)

It doesn’t help when your best friends are literally ragdolls. She actually has a few real friends. I promise.

Now onto my babies/kids/characters! 

Ariel Hakens: 

has a big giant ball of curly red hair that she likes to dye a new colour every week. She likes glitter but also loves black. Big boots and shiny raincoats are a thing. She love to collec. She loves to garden, but her methods are...unorthodox, shall we say. Loves Edgar Allen Poe, and recites it to herself on the way to school. Does she ditch a lot? Maybe. Who knows. Can apparently see the dead and do weird stuff nobody should be able to. Favourite animals are mice and rats. Is fascinated with the legend of the pied piper. Is like a beaver in the fact that she chews pencils. They’re basically like a midnight snack for her. Favourite foods are peanut butter and cherry tarts.

(yes I am fully aware this is Leigh-Anne Pinnock from Little Mix, but this is what she looks like in my head) 

Gwendolyn Spires: 

She is as extra as the name sounds. She dreams of participating in an illegal dance competition in an abandoned subway tunnel. Her mother is the principal of a ballet boarding school, and highly disapproves of her daughter's skateboarding fetish. Her father is completely on board with it, and also her addiction to gumballs and love for all things haunted. Yes, those spell books are completely real. The amount of salt rocks she keeps in her bag would put a shaman to shame. African American. 

Indie Brooks:

 She’s basically a giant nerd, but covered with tattoos. And piercings. She actually needs those glasses, and she refuses to put in contacts for fear that the government will be able to read her mind. She has a conspiracy theory Youtube Channel, but her theories are really??weird??

Think: we are all giant animals living in a zoo for aliens

Does she have evidence: Yes. Is it sketchy evidence? Also yes.

May or may not have broken into area 51.

Native American/Latina.

Callum Prikhill:

pervy, but not in a sexual way. Will he sell you exam answers in exchange for candy? Possibly. Ironically wears caps. Unironically wears light up shoes. Likes sci-fi movies from the early 70’s. Skinny dipped and LOVED it. Is a theater boy. If he were an animal he would be a lizard. His mother is a low-end movie producer and his father is an accountant. Often stays at his nan’s place a lot because she has a hidden bunker under the house and he very much down for that. Because the acoustics are amazing.

The first time Ariel saw the three dead girls sway through the doors of Helkbud Senior Preparatory School, she was whistling Sissyneck while flipping through her collection of rained on vinyls that she’d chanced to pick up from the thrift store, her tanned dewy legs slick with snow and hail as she pushed hot pink cat eye sunglasses up her freckled nose.

They looked like nesting dolls all jumbled up in a lolly bag, corpse candy sucked dry of their colour and watermelon blush that should have twisted their cheeks into marionette smiles.

The girl in the middle wore poppy red heels that spun and shone like a disco ball at a teenage party where the parents were gone for the weekend and everyone was drinking punch mixed with vodka in cheap, crinkly red cups; and was the shortest of the three; yellow daisies and white crocuses growing out of her eye sockets, petals drinking salty tears out of a chipped watering can that dangled over her head.

Hope you enjoyed hearing about my WIPs, and I’ll keep updating about them as I continue to work on them :)

That’s all for now, folks! 

- Bella. 

[hazkiwislutt]

photograph: in sadness (part 1)

warnings: alcohol & swearing & mentions of death!

Harry and Y/N had been friends for nine months now. A friendly lunch date after a morning of spilled coffee had turned into late dinners that turned into early breakfasts, that turned into movie nights, that turned into picnics in the park and trips to the local shelter, and suddenly Harry found that Y/N had cemented her place into his life. 

Everything about her was so lovely, from the way she would give him cuddles during the movie, Coraline (which was Y/N’s absolute favorite, but Harry absolutely hated the Beldam; she gave him the creeps), to the way she would jokingly pretend to spill his coffee on him every time she made him a cup when he came over and she would read to him. 

Y/N lived about two hours away from Harry, but after nine months, Harry found that the enjoyment that her company gave him was more than enough compensation for the drive down to her apartment. He knew that her university schedule was incredibly hectic, so he took it upon himself to commute to her. She was more than worth it, and Harry... well, Harry had never had anyone like her in his life, and maybe because he never had anyone as effortlessly lovely as Y/N in his life, his “friendly” feelings had suddenly turned a little less friendly, and a little more... loving. 

And now, as he was en route to her house for a weekend full of cuddles, cooking, and cats (from the local shelter), Harry realized just how non-friendly his feelings for Y/N actually were. 

How every time she woke up (she was the only person Harry had ever met that woke up earlier than he did) and pried herself from his morning cuddle, he would find himself groaning in complaint because he’d just wanted to hold her for “five mo’ minutes, Bambi.” How every time she’d throw open the door to her small apartment, she’d beam happily and Harry had to fight the urge to not kiss her entire face on the spot because the fairy lights that decorated her apartment were reflecting off eyes that held the world in them. How every time he’d drive down to her apartment, he’d find himself so desperate to see her that he’d still be going twenty over the speed limit as soon as he reached the busy area that she lived in (although whenever he passed the elementary school by her apartment building, he’d always take care to slow down to ten, even if it was the weekend, children could be playing around that area). 

As Harry’s mind was captivated by the beautiful idea of Y/N, he realized she hadn’t responded to his text from last night, and that he’d just assumed that they would uphold their weekend tradition. Come to think of it, Harry realized she hadn’t responded to his texts all of yesterday. He’d had such a busy day with meetings and people trying to get a piece of him, left and right, and- 

And now Harry was speeding for a different reason, because he’d wanted to see Y/N, but now he wanted to see Y/N and make sure she was alright. Mentally, he cursed himself for being so busy that he hadn’t realized she wasn’t responding to him. Careless, careless, careless. How could he be so careless with a girl as precious as her? 

Screeching to a stop in front of her building, Harry parked as best as he could in ten seconds and fumbled to get out of his car, nearly slamming it into a passing truck in his haste to see her. He burst into her building, not bothering to wait for the lift as he briskly walked for the stairs and began scaling them two at a time. 

And finally, he was in front of her door, scrambling to get the key she had given him out of his pocket, shakily unlocking the door because he needed to know she was okay... But as he stepped into her apartment, the silence he was met with slowly began to make him doubt that statement. 

“Bambi? Are y’in here? Haven’t answered any of my messages and ‘ve jus’ been so worried...” Harry began walking into her apartment, noting that she wasn’t in the living room, nor the kitchen. He walked into her bedroom, which was empty as well, meaning that she was either on the balcony or in the bathroom. 

Harry walked quickly out of her bedroom, headed straight for the bathroom because at least if she wasn’t in there, he could throw up from all the worry he had toiling in the pit of his stomach. He threw open the door of her bathroom, and oh, Harry had never been so relieved but so afraid in his life. 

Y/N lay against her bathtub, filled with multiple empty bottles of alcohol, in nothing but flannel shorts and a large UC Berkeley t-shirt, stained around the neckline with throw-up and sweat. Her eyes were closed, her face was gaunt, and Harry was terrified at this sight. He threw himself down on the ground next to her, noting that she was still breathing but unresponsive, and shook her shoulders lightly. 

“Bambi, oh m’god, wha’ the fuck happened? Why did yeh-shit, wha’ th’ fuck do I do? How long ‘ve yeh been... Bambi, wake up please. Please, wake up!” 

Harry was desperate, shaking her as gently but as urgently as he could, hoping she would cough, or open her eyes, or twitch. He even wished she’d throw up on him, if it meant she’d be moving. And Harry got what he wished for, because after a particularly harsh shake of the shoulders, Y/N’s normally alert eyes fluttered open droopily and a cough racked her body before her small figure heaved, and she threw up. Harry gasped, crushing her to his figure despite the putrid combination of stomach bile and alcohol that covered both of them. 

“Bambi, god, oh m’god. Yeh’re here! Yeh’re here, yeh’re okay, gonna be okay...” Harry quickly stood up, grabbing the alcohol bottles out of the tub and laying them on the floor. He picked up Y/N, who was curled into herself, and placed her inside, turning on warm water and gently peeling off her shirt and her shorts so she could be rinsed off. Y/N’s eyes kept fluttering shut and her breathing was shaky, but she reached a hand out to touch Harry. 

“Hurts, ‘arry... t’hurts..” she whimpered, and he got down on his knees to rub shampoo in her hair and soap her. 

“Know it does, Bambi, but s’okay. M’gonna take care of you, okay?” He murmured, being as careful as he could with her. After her bath, he swaddled Y/N in towels and carried her to her bed, picking out pajamas that would be comfortable for her before changing her into them. 

He laid her down in her bed and tucked her in, and went to grab her water and bread. When he returned, Y/N was having a hard time keeping her eyes open but she tried to smile at him as he approached her. He sat her up, giving her water, which she downed slowly, and watching her slowly munch on the bread he brought. His heart was aching and his head was filled with questions, but he wanted her to rest before he asked her what happened. Harry’s train of thought was interrupted by Y/N placing her hands on his cheeks. He held them there, trying to smile for her. 

“Thank you,” she whispered, before drifting off to sleep. 

... 

Harry was sat on the edge of Y/N’s bed, processing what had happened and trying to make sense of it. He sat there, tense, breathing harshly. He’d fallen asleep with Y/N, happily wrapped in blankets as he held her but woke up to go to the bathroom, where he was met with empty alcohol bottles and Y/N’s stained clothes, giving him a reminder of the event that had taken place. He was so deep in thought, he didn’t realize that she had woken up as well, watching him with concern. 

“M’sorry,” she croaked tiredly, causing Harry to whip his head around and pin her with his gaze, “I’m sorry, for not answering your texts, and throwing up on you, and for doing something stupid like that. I’m sorry I scared you, and I just-oh!” Harry had tackled her, smothering her with all six feet of his lanky body. He gripped her tightly, like she would fall through his fingers. 

“Don’ do tha’ again t’me, ever. Please.” Harry’s voice broke, and Y/N’s eyes watered. “Wha’... wha’ happened, Bambi?” 

Y/N’s body went rigid under Harry’s, and he pulled back from the sudden change in her behavior. He stared at her face, while Y/N tried to compose herself. She knew he’d ask that question, that he’d want to know what happened, not because Harry was nosy but because he cared. And if he cared, then she could let him know what happened, right? She could be vulnerable with Harry? Harry, who didn’t care that she spilled coffee on a shirt that cost half of what Y/N paid for rent, who drove two hours every weekend to take spontaneous trips to different places or stay in to watch Netflix. Harry, who was now a part of her life. Harry, who she had developed more-than-friendly feelings for. She could definitely be vulnerable with Harry.

“I told you I’m the oldest of five. I’ve got two sisters and two brothers... But I guess you’re wondering why I’ve only got pictures of one brother around my apartment.” Harry pondered her statement, realizing that yes, it was true that Y/N had so many pictures of her younger sisters, and many pictures of one of her brothers. But that was it, only one brother. 

She continued, “When I was four years old, I had my first baby brother. And like, I was young, so I don’t remember a lot about him. I just remember the night he was born, the day he died, and the funeral.” Harry sucked in a breath, and Y/N let out a shaky sigh. He gripped her hands, looking at her stony face and tearing eyes. 

“He died from SIDS when he was four months old. I know that doesn’t sound significant, if I don’t remember him and he was just a baby, but... As I got older, I wanted to know more about him, ‘cause someone could tell me at least one story about him, right? But no one could, ‘cause no one really had any stories about him. It drives me insane, that I had a baby brother I know nothing about, basically, but if he’d lived, my life would have been so different, and I always think hard about it.. and I just, today’s his birthday. He’s two years younger than me, so he would’ve been twenty, and I don’t know, I just got so sad yesterday and so I.. you know.” Y/N’s eyes flickered downward, and Harry saw tears pattering onto her blankets. 

“I told you a few months ago that I only take pictures of people I love, that are so special to me. I only take their picture when six core emotions shine through, so I can remember them and I don’t have to scrounge around for information about them, like I had to do with my brother, if anyone else I love leaves the way my brother did..” 

Harry couldn’t swallow properly, and his breathing was shallow. He hadn’t known Y/N kept this all bottled up from him, and the story itself broke his heart. But Harry’s heart shattered with the way that Y/N’s eyes, always so full of life, looked in the fading light of her room, so broken up and full of longing. 

“I didn’t know tha’. M’so sorry, Bambi.” Harry’s voice was tight with emotion, and Y/N finally faced him, piercing him with her gaze full of wonder and painful longing. He looked away, saddened by the story and how it affected this precious girl. 

Y/N cocked her head to the side, before reaching over to her bedside table. Harry was so lost in thought, he didn’t see her close her small hand around the strap of her camera, watching her as she brought the it toward her. 

“Harry,” she said quietly, aiming the camera at him. He looked up to her slowly, and she took the photo, the sadness etched into the lines in his face like stone. She set the camera aside, holding out her arms as Harry collapsed into them, burying his face into her neck, not processing that she had started the series of photographs dedicated to him, someone she loved, someone she never wanted to forget. 

[theindependentjournals]

Puff, the Magic Dragon

Come one, come all! Gather all ye round my fire-pit, and I will share with you my folklore. The power I feel when I am holding my Magic Wand – my “tobacco” pipe – is unmatched. It seems when I light the sticky green kush that fills the pipe (meant for strictly tobacco use only - of course) and breathe in the fumes, the wind blows harder with more vengeance and the clouds roar until thunder booms and lightning strikes. I then take my horse out of the stable, suit up in black leather boots, hides and cowboy hat and ride through the darkness to the eye of the storm. The power stems from the feeling that I am fitting in, I am doing something that all the cool kids do. Do I think it makes me cooler and a cut above the rest that I use drugs? I believe it does. Especially when I am on them. I feel good. I feel confident and secure in myself.  Not that I am not already a little magical when I’m not on drugs. I light up and all the sorcery I have cast appears in front of my bloodshot eyes in the form of a firework show. I see colors and hear music. It’s like a “Saturday in the Park” every day. It’s like trumpets are being blown at the arrival of The Queen to The United States where American Flags are waving triumphantly as her plane touches down. Little trivialities do not concern me. Only America’s and thine own victories are at the forefront of my mind. I drive by all the woman and they smile at me in their Sunday’s best and on their best behavior. I click my heels, tip my hat as they swoon. All is right in the world. There is no bad, but only good. Bad is unbeknownst to me in my little corner of heaven where the flowers bloom and the sky shines blue right on cue.

The first time I found my way into wheeling and dealing with illegal substances, I was 16 and in the eleventh grade. My girlfriends and I made it a thing to spend the weekends together. We would talk about girls, boys, hermaphrodites, make jokes and mess around well into the night. I guess it is just something we preferred to being alone. We knew everything about everyone in our school. We got a hoot out of them. We enjoyed frequenting the cinema and even so lucky to see our favorite musicians in concert. For example, the first movie we went to see together was Blades of Glory with Will Ferrell. As a group, the first movie we watched was Coraline. We would get excited about going to the movies almost every single weekend, so we could be very in the know about up-to-date cinematography. We went to handfuls of concerts, such as Bring Me the Horizon, Mychildren Mybride, Chiodos, A Skylit Drive, Family Force 5, Escape the Fate, and A Day to Remember. Recently I have seen The Cary Brothers, but that is on a-whole-nother level. We went to Roller Derby events, Art in the Park, Hyde Park Street Fair.

The girlfriend I spent a lot of time at school with, due to her being in my homeroom classes, (actually the first person I sort of chilled with in middle school that I saw on the first day of 9th grade) would always speak of her nights of drinking, drug use and intercourse at Monday lunches. She lived in a trailer park with her grandmother and mother. She was upset with her mom because she would not look for work. I would say little, well, what did I do that weekend? Pass out….watch TV….. do my homework….? So it goes, throughout our 9-10 grade year, she would do those things occasionally and in the 11th year she found a reputable provider of alcohol and started drinking more exuberantly. She had a new girlfriend and she didn’t need me as much as before. I found other companionship as well. One of my “other friends” had been caught drinking at a park after dark with her buddies from Meridian Medical Charter and was put on juvenile probation in grade 9 or 10. She had also been drinking at a cabin party where she was in a terrible accident and the vehicle rolled. Luckily, they survived. She was furious with the driver because the driver claimed, “I am fine to drive.” And of course, the driver was Asian. My pal had cut back on alcohol use, but thought she was healed from that trauma enough to divulge once again in a safe environment. She had known I had not used before, but she knew I was interested in tasting what they would always rave on. Sometimes I whined that I never had the opportunity. She would preach safe drinking because she had experienced the effects personally. We waited until my parents went out of town and had the other girlfriend brought us a “half gal.” She says to be careful because when you are young and a beginner, a little goes a long way. They were similar in such respects.

           I set the stage. My flat screen is connected to my Dr. Dre, Tech N9ne, Snoop Dogg, 50 Cent booth. The party refreshment I stowed for the week in my closet was busted out and awaiting to be pressed to our lips. The house is clean, catered and decorated to the best of my abilities. I had showered, shaved, and was in my best attire when the guests began to arrive. One of the party-goers had skipped a Band Trip with her Lesbian Lover to attend My Party. (Although she was already a slacker. She played drum line.) I told her it was sure going to be “Crunk” and we would get “Schwasted.” Another one of them was “Big Boobs McGee.” She wouldn’t have come had the lesbian not. She was very picky of who she put her time into. Third, we had “Monotone Melissa Magaret” We were ripe to the pickin’, ready and willing to go all-out to get “Riggity-Riggity-Wrecked!” This was my first time. Each of the guests had indulged in this vice prior. They arrive together, and we decide on doing a round of shots. One round turned into three quite quickly where we begin to slowly fade into the outskirts of intoxication. We knew we were in for some fun at that point. Monotone Melissa thinks she’ll pour a “Screwdriver.”

Turns out, I am rowdy, full of spirits, and don’t know when to stop or what boundaries are. I found myself on a chair in my living room and “Big Boobs” was laying up against me in the recliner with the foot rest up. I think she was there first, but my butt snuck up into the little space she had between her and the armrest. I remember the feeling of elation. I couldn’t stop hitting on her. She told me she wasn’t a lesbian when I told her I was in love with her. At that point I began to cry. I get up and sneak off, when everyone is too drunk to be paying attention, to the alcohol on the counter. I have a habit of getting sad and then chugging straight liquor. I must have cried hard for a half-hour when somebody said “MAN, YOU’VE BEEN CRYING FOR SOME TIME.” I say, “HAVE I, NOW?” I had no memory of this hysterics. There was alcohol spilled all over the floor and counter from my hysterical shot glass attempts and, now there is a full-blood Hispanic in my living room. Next, I find myself deeming this Hispanic “Pablo.” He had a Caucasian sounding name (Like e.g. Jim), but to me he appeared as a “Pablo.” Then, I am out back in the yard. I look to the sky, it is beautiful, as always. Then I tackle the lesbian onto the grass and start smooching her all over. I go inside, fall over, try very hard to get off the floor, but I can’t. “MY BODY FEELS LIKE THAT GUMBY CHARACTER.” No big deal, but I am officially drunk for the first time in my life.

           “…..So what we get drunk.. So what we smoke weed….” As everyone begins to awake, they “gotta blast,” but want something greasy to rid their hangovers. They’re thinking Mac D’s. I get a threatening text from the lesbians’ lover that I better never put my hand on her property ever again. “Oh,” I say, “I didn’t mean it. We were just drunk. Of course I don’t have a thing for her, she’s just a good friend!” I was a little scared. She sounded like she meant it. I wake up and I am still drunk. There is about an inch of liquor left and I take another shot because, “Why the hell not!?” At this point I am enjoying the new feelings in my body and I do not wish to revert back to a normal state of dull routine quite yet. I could immediately see how this would be addictive to me. At the time, I did not think into Abuse or Addiction. I just used seldom as I pleased, for the shits & giggles, as in stress-relief. My parents are due home in a few hours. I’m not sure exactly when. I begin to feel scared because I am obviously still drunk or hungover or still drunk. I pray they won’t get home early and will be gone. My parents are both of addictive personalities. I pray they won’t get suspicious when I am asleep in bed and not down to greet them. I greet them anyway although I am still a little drunk. Then I crawl back to my bed and hide away, no questions asked.

           At this young age, I am still respectful and obedient of my parents. My conscience does not want to disappoint them. It is funny how much I dread any sort of trouble in fear of punishment from my parents, because when I get in trouble my parents never are actually mad with me. They are angry people and can get nasty but mostly with each other. I thought they would turn that nastiness towards me, but that never happened. They usually shrug, shirk it and go on with their business like, “Oh, that isn’t too bad.” This is hilarious. The very next weekend, my mom decides to move the bed from the guest room into storage. I had forgotten, while drunk that I had put the bottle of the alcohol under that bed. She moves it and the crime I thought I had gotten away with was in view for her. She asks, “What is this?” I tell my girlfriends and we roll on the floor laughing. “Oh, it was my first time,” I say, “I only drank about eh, half the bottle, more or less, between us five.”

           Now, I really thought these were nice young woman. Better friends than I could ever imagine actually having. And we bonded over this drug use. It was almost no more to us than an inside joke. We knew we were good. We were impermeable. This drug use would not harm or test our solid sense of inner strength. We knew we had this one life and were going to live it to our fancy. One day, we are over for a chill. One of them walks us to the parkway drive. She’s got a pipe and a baggie. She asks, “Does anyone want to try some of this?” We all agree that it wouldn’t be too bad to just try it. The lesbian lovers were united again and they had already smoked marijuana together before. But again, this was all rather occasionally seldom. We get in a circle and she says it is Spice (K2), a fad at the time that you could buy at tobacco stores!! Otherwise referred to as “Potpourri.” She received it from her brother who was one year older. We roast the bowl and feel funny. My Asian friend pipes up, “My dad is out of town and the house is empty. I didn’t know you guys wanted to get high tonight. We could go back there and relax.” We walk back to retrieve our belongings and my body feels almost made of stone. It is hard to pick up my legs to walk. I exclaim, “I feel like a statue!” I guess it was kind of like walking on the moon. We load in the car and head a short-way east to set up camp. Almost out of a dream, she’s got a table out back with just enough seats. Just like the characters in That 70s Show, we would toke in a circle. This was Pope, so the high was around 15 minutes. But you were extraordinarily high for those 15 minutes. At the comedown, we would just smoke more. It was off the wall, but we all agreed that we enjoyed doing this and were even more pleased our parents hadn’t a clue or they didn’t care to. She tells us, “My dad will be gone the entire week. My girlfriend is staying with me. Why are you smoking that spice and not legit marijuana anyway? I can get us some real weed.” I am all, “Uh, how much does this cost? How much do you need to buy?” She is, “You can get really high off a small amount. We’d probably only need a dime bag to get good and ‘stoney-baloney.’” We agree we will search for real marijuana because the spice only leaves you high for 15 minutes and always a disappointment to comedown. Such a disappointment to come down. So our sessions would last a few hours. Plus, it’s kind of a dirty high. Real marijuana and you were high for two hours.. then you could smoke again or pass out.

           “We’ve got the goods!” One of the lesbians creates a “Gravity Bong” for us and tries to explain the mechanics behind how you use it. You dip the Gatorade bottle with holes in the bottom in the bucket of water, then pull up slowly when you torch the bowl, (making sure to only light the side of the bowl as to not waste “greens”) as the smoke fills up the bottle, then you untwist the cap until when you can see the smoke and inhale the vapor. You must blow outward to empty your lungs so they have full capacity when you are breathing in. She says it is the best way to smoke weed and the gravity bong gets you the highest. “Who wants greens? Angela it is your first time, so you can take them. Here, I can light it for you.” My first reaction when breathing in this foreign vapor, is to hack up a lung. My lungs are virgin to the substance and it burns heavily. I can’t take too large of a hit. We start toking before one of my friend shows up. She gets there a little concerned like, “Hey, I can smell that from the front yard. You don’t think your neighbors can smell it? We better move further back.” We feel all philosophical on this drug. We feel our minds bending in our skulls. We feel like we can reach a level we can’t reach intellectually without this drug. We try not to cough and take it like a champ. Our friend keeps saying she’s getting “Scooby Snacks.” (Ew) We become enamored with learning terminology and more about this miraculous little drug. I say what I’m feeling is really a sort of an epiphany. Brilliant things would come to me almost out of nowhere! We have a wonderful time. They even built a fort. The lesbian was practicing rapping the fast part in “Look at Me Now.” The notorious quote from our silly friend arises, “Shall we load another bowl?” To sum up my first time smoking weed, time slows to a stand still and everything becomes hilarious. I felt a sense of safeness and contentness that I was not used to. I had always been a little depressive and anxiety-ridden, but this provided me with a smile.

           Melissa’s brother’s friends become known as “dealers,” or that’s what everyone called them at least. My friends would like to refer to him as “Permafried.” Him and his pals would experiment with huffing freon on the weekends when they were fooling around. At school one time, Melissa invited us to her home for lunch. “I usually walk,” She says, “But today, I don’t feel like it.” We get to her house and all is normal. She goes briskly upstairs to her bedroom. I follow her, being curious as I am, and find her with a Coke can with holes poked in it with a thumb tack and she is smoking spice and blowing the smoke out of the window. I say, “Ey, now that is pretty cool that you smoke before class.” She says, “Yeah, but it is just spice so the high doesn’t last long and I’m usually sobered up by the time class gets in session.” I ask if I can take a hit before class, you know, to loosen up a little. School was stressful and we didn’t enjoy high school much. She asks me in our last period how I liked it. We had History 10 together. She sat in front of me. She was right I was not very stoned by the time class started. One time we decided we didn’t like how our history teacher did the lessons. We wrote her an anonymous note saying she was a great person but a crappy teacher and put it on her desk in stealth. Next time, we contact her dealers one lunch. There is a bong on the table outside Melissa’s house. I guess her parents were out of town. We get a bag of OG Kush. Apparently, it’s the hottest weed on the market. I remember thinking it didn’t seem any more special than what I had previously tried. As a beginner, I’d always let someone else take control of the bag and load the bowls and all. Literally, all I had to do was take the pipe, light it, and pass it. I would pitch in to pay instead of buying lunch because of the desire to get high and just eat cereal or something. We light up and I drive us back to school in my mom’s 2007 Toyota Escape Sport-Truck. Now, I am feeling like a complete badass and school doesn’t seem like a chore. “Is anyone else as high as me right now?” I think. My friends tell me, “I know you shouldn’t have tried it because you are going to want to get high all of the time and then I will be disappointed in you.” I’m like, “Stop that chit-chat right now, I am a big girl and I will smoke weed if I please.” My willfulness was beginning to rear its’ ugly head.

A experience I remember, is weekends at Monotone Melissa’s. Her parents roomed downstairs, her upstairs. She had a “TV room.” Sometimes I would play Donkey Kong on her vintage machine. Once we watched The Hills Have Eyes and I about shit my pants. This particular time, she had a sack and I would park my truck around the bend by her house and we’d sneak out to the car with the sack and fill my gravity bong with water bottles we kept in a bag. She told me that she heard you can get higher if you hold in the smoke. I lit me a big fat, yellow hit and held my breath for about 3 minutes. When I went to breathe out, not only was I oxygen deprived, but the weed smoke had already binded to my aioli’s and no weed smoke came out. She said, “HOLY SHIT. THAT WAS A HUGE HIT. YOU DIDN’T EVEN BREATHE OUT.” She asks if we are good. Then we stumble inside. I go lay on the couch and she goes to her room. I grab my IPod with 1400 songs and put on shuffle. I am amazed. I go – I’VE NEVER HEARD MUSIC SOUND THIS GOOD BEFORE. I had all types of music I had never listened to. Shuffle began with “Bear” by The Antlers, then went to some Bombay Bicycle Club. I decided whilst stoned alone I would make a mission to discover music I liked that I had never heard.   After school one time we went to an abandoned house and smoked in the backyard. We started getting that paranoia when we thought the man just walking by was out to get us so we had to hurry to hop the fence and leave. We were addicted at this point. Once we were at a party and had no smoke so we tried to smoke cat nip because I read on a forum it gets you high like weed. It got us a little high, but it was not like weed. I remember the first time I drove after smoking weed. We decided to go on a “Space Cruise.” The first thing I say when I put my foot on the accelerator is “I FEEL LIKE I AM OPERATING A ROCKETSHIP!” You are driving the speed limit, but everything around you is moving so slow.. We only find problems with staying in such a small lane. We have to have the co-pilot make sure we are not gravitating towards the other lane. We drove across town and I quickly found that to be my favorite post-toke activity.

           We always worry about appearing sketchy, but we never actually come close to getting caught. Well except caught by their mothers. It was very easy to get away with. One of the girls would surprisingly bring a thermos with her weed and pipe and lighter to class every day, just set on her desk like it was water. It was exceptionally hilarious when she would come to after lunch period (Algebra II) stoned. She was Asian. For some reason that escaped us, it was always obvious that she was high. This was before I smoked before classes ever and before I used frequent. It seemed to be 2-3 times a week. And also, surprising the teachers didn’t care. Her eyes were red as the devil and so pronounced. I never really asked if anyone else could tell. But I knew instantaneously. It was so obvious and she would move SO slow. One day I’m like, “It’s kind of weird when you come to class high because it is OBVIOUS.” I guess nobody really cared though. I started to keep my gravity bong in the trunk of my car in my backpack. We would go to Lesbian’s house or Lesbian’s new girlfriend’s house during lunch and smoke a bowl. Sometimes we’d bring the pitcher into Stinker and fill it with water so we could smoke on the side of a road in one of the neighborhoods.  Oh boy, we sure liked her. She was 14 and told us that she loved cocaine and acid. She was the first girl I asked on a date but then when we got there I lost my nerve. I had to ask her like 4 times how old she was because I kept not remembering or understanding that she was a 14 year old sophomore. Then we’d get the munchies and eat cup o’ noodle or like, rice krispy treats. We never had to go to last two periods sober! We were just fucking high. We would smoke about every weekend and then it progressed to most lunch periods, then to every lunch period. Just the way I liked it. Oh, and after school too. My parents would ask when I’m coming home, I’d always tell them I went out to shoot some hoops. I used to play a lot of basketball in my childhood.

We’d walk in the high school and be like “WHO SMELLS LIKE WEED??” “OHMYGOD IT’S US!!” We go to a party once and the cops bust it. We had just showed up about 5 minutes before the cops arrived. We had not done anything but were talking on loading up the pipe when the club goes on lock-down. There are 300 people in the home! We do not open the doors. We do not look out the blinds. All the curtains are closed. We act like it’s a fucking earthquake and duck to the ground. A bird just took a shit on my head, because I parked on the opposite side of road and got me my first ticket when the coast is clear to leave. When we get in the car, my car is like “Hello. This is Onstar.” I’m like, “GREAT. THEY’VE TAPPED MY CAR AND ARE TRACKING ME NOW.” Our regular provider refuses to sell to us after that. We’re like… “We will take our business elsewhere then.”

           Once we’re drinking back at my place. We pick up some Smirnoffs from a provider downtown. Me and Lesbian start downing shots. We see how many we can take in a row. We take 10-11… IN A ROW. This is about 20 minutes after cracking the bottle. Next thing I know, I come into consciousness in my shower and I have clothes on.. in the shower. I walk in my room and she is on my bed passed out. And our sober friend is nowhere to be found. I say, “EW, WHY DID YOU PUKE ON MY BED?”  She says, “I didn’t puke dude.” I say, “YEAH YOU DID. THAT IS YOUR PUKE.” She says, “No you were laying on that side of the bed and you puked.” I’m like “There’s water all over the floor and coming out of the light fixture downstairs.” No wonder I reeked of vomit. She’s like “GOOD JOB YOU FLOODED THE HOUSE.” I try to ask her to fill in the blanks for me the next day at lunch in the drive thru but she isn’t good at filling them in. Me and her try ecstasy together after a gay pride event in Garden City. It is 45$ but we get 3 for $40 cause that’s all I got. We have to drive to Kuna after the event to pick up. She tells me she loves it. She is 11th grade and I am 12th but is taking summer classes to graduate a year early. She is grinding her teeth and talking nonstop. I am on the toilet and seems like I can’t stop urinating. I am on my bed trying to come down during the peak and I feel like I will never sober up. I couldn’t fall asleep until 1 pm the next day and we popped it at 11:30pm. She tells me at lunch that she told everybody she took ecstasy. All her 11th and 10th grade friends. I didn’t enjoy her talking about it but still felt a little happy buzz from trying it. Her ex-girlfriend was PISSED. So, that’s always fun to laugh on. I almost flood the house another time, but this time I was closer to drowning. I got too drunk at her house and puked again. The last thing I remember is everyone walking to sleep the upstairs. I am alone in the basement with a mattress. I last remember puking, then my drunk incompetent self thinks, better take a shower to clean up. Next thing I know, I am arisen to pounding on the bathroom door my friend is yelling at me across the locked door, “Angela!!!Angela!! You are choking on water!! You are going to drown.” This was probably one month after the first time. I guess I walked upstairs and decided to take a bath. At least I didn’t flood her house.

           I then see less of my other buddies and more of another woman. I meet her due to lesbian’s new girlfriend. I take it as a bad omen that on the night she became interested in me romantically, was the worst night in all of our lives. We go to a birthday party and are taking “bong rips” in the backyard. A girl from our school looks like shes itching for a fixin cause she staring us down through the window, giving us the major stink eye. I’m like, “Does anyone else see Mak just twitching in the window?” We only stay a bit but when we get back to the friend’s house, we go to get settled. I take the floor and let this new girl have the couch. I am getting settled for bed. I put on my jammies and start folding my day clothes and unfolding my blankie and pillow. I look over and she is staring at me smiling like a fool. I don’t know what she is staring at, actually find it rather odd. Oh well. The very next day we wake up all happy and refreshed and ready for another fix. It is the weekend, after all. My friend had just turned 18 so we drive to the smoke shop and buy a $10 tub of Pope and a personal bong that we name “Dory.”  She is browsing her web and she is stopped in her track by a text that her cousin was in a serious wreck that very night. I ponder on what very moment this happened. Maybe it was the moment she smiled at me. She is in intensive care at the ER hooked to a life machine. I didn’t even know they were related. I sympathize but there is little else I can do. We just met her and aren’t familiar with her much. But we do try to be patient with her. This new girl invites us to her house, they have a shed we can smoke in out back and are renting the place from a landlord. She stays home from school feeling ill one day and a few nights later we pick her up from the hospital visiting her cousin. The outlook does not seem positive. She is still in coma. They are asked if they will pull the plug because her brain is so damaged they do not believe she can ever be saved… Her cousin was in my graduating class and we were set to graduate in 2 months.

That night, instead of attending his birthday party with the cake strippers and dancing kids, she was in the car with a girl and two boys driving down the freeway after drinking at a party. The driver was speeding and ran into the freeway barrier. I guess he was on the freeway going west. I guess he decided to exit the freeway at Curtis but didn’t slow down enough and was zooming back onto the freeway on the on-ramp when he crashed. I just know I never drive like that, no matter if im a lil tipsy or not. She was passenger. He got an innumerous sentence some months later. She said one thing she knew was that her cousin would do ecstasy A LOT and she wondered whether they were rolling on “E” when it happened. She would always say well hopefully it was instant and she had no pain. The driver was sentenced to vehicular manslaughter. His name was Scotty. We continued on our routine. That night the lesbian’s new girlfriend provides us with a liquor hookup and we get some strong whiskey. We park on the side of her street by a fence and decide to take shots. The new girl did not feel like drinking, but she would toke. The rest of us got nice and toasty with our warm whiskey and a little drunk. Then a black man from across the street walks out of his house and starts toward us. We start flipping out and although I am a little intoxicated, I turn on the car and put my foot on the gas for the first time. We must avoid this confrontation at all costs. My feet feel heavy and I go really, really slow bout 7 mph. Operating the vehicle is a lot of work. I round the corner and park on the other side. We chill it for a minute to give him time to go back inside and get settled.

At this point, I couldn’t care less whether I graduated high school or had to retake last semester. Everyone else was planning for college and I wasn’t feeling that. I was truant all the time. I would get up and walk out of the building whenever. I didn’t do my own senior project and paid someone else to write it for me, skipped presentation day, but went to make-up day and just skimmed by graduating. Once I bought Adderall off Monotone Melissa and read the entire history book preparing for the final. I still got a high C, but would have gotten a LOW F, had I not. My GPA fell that semester after meeting her probably from a 3.9 to a 3.6 and my High Honors dropped to an Honors. I began to realize that these things really don’t matter much. We attended graduation together. She wanted to go to hear her cousin’s name be called. Since her cousin wouldn’t be walking, I did not walk, but sat in the back with her. I told her when I could I would get my truck driving license, save up and build us a cabin in the woods. I feel like I have things figured out. A plan set in place. Every day was so bright. I felt utterly important. I felt this was serious. I guess I really didn’t have it figured out.

           They send me into the mental hospital. I hadn’t seen them in that year and that is how they welcome me home.  They put me on Zoloft and tell me “You will be back.” I stay dead silent my entire time there. I do not speak to a single soul. I get out in 15 days and get my first real job. I am working my first real job real professional like. They pull me aside one day and tell me 20$ is missing from my till and that because I was two hours late I have to have a week off. I agree although they never change the tills and there was no way I lost 20$. I then miss another day and am fired out of the blue. So much for a “job.” I quit smoking marijuana when I worked, but once I was fired I had nothing else to do. I resumed using. I spent 2 years looking for a job and had around 30 interviews and no…… job. I got another job and it wasn’t the same. The supervisor was breathing down my neck. I had to walk out. The old boss calls the cops on me when I come to the store one day. I still don’t know why. Then another employee called the cops on me claiming I was stalking her. She made me look like I was insane to the cops.

           I began to start seeing my ex-girlfriends friends from high school. I began to commemorate with them due to her being back in town and asking for rides every which way.. to see *insert name* to see *insert name* or the boy she is rooming with locked her out, etc. We stay a few nights in her friends’ apartment. Her roommate moved out who was the main tenant and she was left with the place for a short time longer. I’m liking these kids because they are just a hoot. Spontaneous and all. They also enjoy drugs like myself. They are speaking on a plan they have in place to leave Boise when the lease runs out on city bus and be bums/couch surfers around Portland. I drive them to the bus stop but they come back soon. One of the kids is addicted to Ativan and whines all day about how he needs to pick some up, or that he is in so much pain if he can’t have any. I wish to go with them and I hope to and take the car to accomplice them but that is a dream of mine that I never am granted permission. My mom won’t allow it and I definitely cannot take her sedan. I began driving them to donate plasma and I sign up myself, turns out to be an excellent source of small increments of money – just enough for a quick fix of drugs. I have encountered some boo-boos from the biomat. Bruises on my arms, missed placements of the needles. We’d usually make a date to go give plasma, find a hook-up for some marijuana, pick up lunch and light up. Later on, they stop allowing me to donate plasma, god knows why, but they are telling me I am being “erratic.”  

I have an apartment at this time. it had always been a wish of mine to have my own place and my mom was kind enough at the time to purchase me a room. It was in Downtown Eagle, right next to where they give horse rides on the carriages. I worked a lot at that time applying for jobs and hoping to be employed so I could continue living in an apartment, but I had no such luck. I had interviews at Teleperformance, Chili’s, Subway, Moxie Java, drove newspaper for a short time, basically went through Craiglist every day for months and months and sent in applications at any place that was hiring. No luck at all. Mark and Zelle. Mostly they need me for rides. The Ativan addict Mark attempts to break his own wrist with a baseball bat so he can get a prescription for Oxys, I drive them because I have nothing better to do. One night they start stealing all of this junk from peoples’ cars to sell for drug money. I think they get four longboards, two skateboards, a graphing calculator, 2 marijuana pipes, a FM transmitter, an iPod, a laptop, five bottles of whiskey from a car with cases of liquor just chilling in the back seat, 2 credit cards, some dishes, a large Indian window curtain, and a old woman’s hospital diaper. They also liked to steal money out of donation boxes. One time he grabbed like 25 bucks from Ronald McDonald Children Donation Box with a stick and some duct tape that he had also stolen from a construction site trailer. He also put his hand in a Dutch Brothers tip jar while I was distracting the barista talking about This Month’s Special. I said, “Well, then if that’s this months, then what is Next Month’s Special?” She went to go check. Once at Hype Park Street Fair, an old guy gives Mark a beer and we are underage (19/20) He gives me the beer and says I can have it if he can drive. I get surprisingly drunk off this one beer. I hadn’t drank much since my girlfriend left (No providers.) When they find the whiskey, I drink so much while a sober driver is driving us through the hills. I hadn’t drank in a long time. I also moon the neighborhood when we are turning around. I almost fell out the window.  Every time I hear that song, “All About That Bass,” I think of that moment. We take some acid tablets and pop some mollys and go see a dubstep concert, Flux Pavillion. My favorite shit ever. I was so damn high, I started writing some sick poetry when I got home.

The cops later come into contact with them about a theft they have committed, and they shift the blame on me where I am taken to court on Petit Theft. Nobody really knows if we stole from them or not, it was Sonic (flipping crazy) and the cashier saying it was me with them, driving, whilst in the police report it was listed as a car other than mine. I was not the only person they chilled with. They said it was me and two other dudes when they were given my picture from the biomat as “evidence.” I do not recall this event at all and I had to give up $75 to this case. I’d never even had two males in my car at once. They decide one day to steal from Melissa’s parents and I had to drive them to do this. I don’t agree with it but I do not try to stop them. I read through some girls’ messages who I was hanging around and they are talking on killing me on Facebook Messenger! *Insert little gun emoji.*

After losing my religion, I smoke a hit of meth because it was traumatizing. I decide for myself, I need to really just be alone and I hope to be alone forever. I bring up suicide for a second on the phone with my mother and ten seconds later there are cops forcing me out of my car and I am asking if I can please leave, I really can’t go in mental hospital again! I tell them I was only about to go home, and I was just selling a previous generation iPhone to a woman who contacted me from a Craigslist posting, because I had picked up the iPhone 6. They won’t let me go. I ask them where they are taking me once 6-7 obese men in uniforms drag me into the cop-car. They tell me we are going to the Emergency Room. Oh goody! I make sure to let them know Hell is real and they will be attending for what they have done to me. I begin to despise The Police. The Police and about most everyone. I have my first nightmare during my second stay at this hospital. It is a blood hound and it is going for my throat.  I lost about 50 pounds when I was with my girlfriend and kept it off for 2 ½ years. I then go to step on the scale and realize in ingesting the Seroquel dose, the pounds packed back on in 3-4 months (monthly injections.) I can’t believe my eyes. All I knew is that it made me feel like crap. I stop the dose, thinking this must be trash medication. I go to research online and see that it is a medication blacklisted by the military. Meaning they do not use it because it causes more harm than help. I really was the happiest person in the world before they dosed me. It changed me completely. It depresses me knowing I will never be that person again. They start packing on the labels. Depressed, anxious, psychotic, schizoaffective, bipolar, mood disorder, autistic, that I am scary when I am either avoiding them or just being quiet. I think they have used every possible term in their book. I can honestly say I have not felt the same since before that dose. I used to feel good. Now most days I feel terrible like there is no cure from the damage the dose caused.  I lost the weight 2.5 years later after walking 1,000 miles and working my ass off. But it is not just that, I am in pain all of the time.

           Around the same time, Monotone Mellissa’s parents have chosen the mental hospital route. Her ex-boyfriend had just shot himself (suicide) while his parents were away. They start her on a fresh dose of antipsychotics (Seroquel TM) the same junk they set me up on. They let me think they will get me on disability if I consent with the dose. I tell them I’d rather prefer to not be medicated as it is against my beliefs. They tell me “WELL, WE DO {believe in medication.}” and joke about putting me in a gag when I cry. They warn me of no side effects and let the drugs destroy me. I never got the disability I was promised. (I needed to find a way to get out of my living situations quick and easy and disability seemed like the best possible option. Although I was never previously disabled.) I think I received a bill once of $36,000 for being trapped in a room at a mental health unit for 28 days once.

           My lease is up, and I have to move in with my mom. She loses her job and has to give up her rental and decides to move in with her brother. I do not wish to live with my mom and her brother, but I decide I will mostly just ignore them. Usually I would just wake up get in the car and go. I meet a chick on the internet to get some weed because I had since deleted all of my old weed dealers they were starting to trip me out. I preferred smoking alone at this point anyway. As long as I didn’t need to be at home, I didn’t care. I pick up this chick. We get a sack and I drop her off. She tells me she is doing temp work for Albertsons and I should smoke her out during her break. We need another bag, so we are looking through people. She calls her friend and I go drive to pick her up. She seems normal-ish. We pick up another chick to get a bag and she says that she was on the news because she had hit something with her car and then ran and they were trying to find her. We get a bag and I take them home.

On the night of my arrest, the cops tell me someone from the gas station called the cops on me. I blow a .17.  I had not been to the gas station in around 3 hours when the cops picked me up.  Two months later, I am arrested again. I blow a .081 and a .083. They tell me I have to pay $3,000.00 that I don’t have. I didn’t even have money to survive then. They tell me they are going to take my license for a year. My car was the only place I could call home. I come back to my mom’s house from jail and decide I can’t survive without my license in these conditions. I overdose October 23, 2016 on 90 magnesiums and when that does nothing. I take 30 Hydroxyzine pills and 20 Risperdal which I was prescribed when forced into mental hospital but would never take.

Now, it has been two years since my first DUI on August 24, 2016. I have not drove. I have not smoked weed since December 31, 2016.  I have walked around 1300 miles.. just in order to leave my parents house. When I started probation in February 2017, the orientation gal told me everyone could get off probation at half mark, “if they have completed everything necessary.” I ask around and see how long others are on probation. Most 6 months unsupervised. Me? One year. I see what is required of me immediately, Victim’s Panel, Alcohol/Drug Assessment, 2300$ court fines. I complete my assessment and Victim’s Panel. At court the attorney told me I had one year supervised and one year unsupervised. On my mandate, it says two years supervised. I ask my Probation Officer around the 6 month mark, if I can get off supervised probation. She then goes to tell me I am on supervised probation for 2 years! Oh goody! I then come back to her at the one year mark in February and she lets me know… “Oh, actually, whoever did your alcohol assessment said your drug problem was so severe that you had to spend ONE YEAR INPATIENT in the WALKER CENTER.” (I talked to him for thirty minutes basically told him I drank two beers and went home and I smoked weed occasionally.) I’m like “So, you’re telling me all this now? At my mid-probation mark?” I mean, I’m in awe that I have to stay a whole year according to her, but I’m like, my life is already wasted now, so go ahead and shove my body in there for a year. I mean, my body has been in worse places. I spend three hours one day, calling the Walker Center. They say their longest inpatient treatment is 30 days. With outpatient after. I call trying to get BPA, they deny me immediately and then my P.O. tells me “Recovery 4 Life” Pro-Bono for inpatient. She says I have to complete all this before I can get off probation. I pay off my fines as soon as possible so they will stop being assholes. I am told in court that I will have my license suspended for one year until November 16, 2017. I ask my PO around October how to get my license back since the suspension is about up. There she tells me I have monetary holds on my account that I have to pay before I can get it reinstated.  I go home and ask google how much the holds usually are. It says 30-200$. Next time I am in probation I ask her how to pay the fines. She tells me my holds are 1150$. Great. I have no way to pay the fines and they don’t drop until July 2020. I call insurance because my mom starts talking at me that I can’t drive until March 2019 after some of my “rear-ends” have dropped because my insurance will be “ASTRONOMICAL” I did not even know what car insurance was. I thought it was like 50$ a month if it was anything at all. She tells me she was paying 300$/mo. on me. I didn’t know what for. I call to get an estimate and only one insurance company will insure me, Nationwide. 470$/mo. I start to work. There is nothing out here where we just moved. So anywhere I walk to, there is basically just farm land. I can’t make it to the city, but I have thought on doing a walk-hike to Seattle or Portland and not come back, that is if I cannot get my drivers license and car back. I have to complete probation first before I can leave Idaho for good, so this is why I am trying my best to finish up these classes as soon as possible. I have worked 54 hours a week every week for 7 months and every penny I have has gone to court fines and my license hold. I finished paying my court fines and my license hold, but now I either need to purchase a new car and my mom will not let me get one for anything less than 1500$. Meaning she has to come along on the job with me. I checked and I suppose I have taken about 15 of these classes and 15 of my DBT classes…..but Julie only told me I needed to do 10. Oh well.

I suppose I will end my story here. I wrote this mostly for myself. Like I say, I wrote this story the first or second week of class after hearing a woman tell her very sad story. It was alright on my read through so it appears to be good enough for me to turn in. I’ve had to delete some parts, but overall brings me back a lot of memories.. good and bad. Overall, I have come to the conclusion that my life is meaningless torture and nothing good will ever happen here on earth. The vision I had is lost and replaced with something terrible. Thanks for the class. I have my notes. I can use them if I need to refer to them in the future. Hopefully, I can make it out of Idaho.

[maybeprecocious]

day six

yesterday was dumb

i also, on top of my dumbass behaviour

shoplifted for the first time

bluetooth headphones on clearance $7.something

i had the money

i dont know why i did it

they arent even that good

but at least i dont have to worry about the chords breaking

because all of my headphones, have been breaking

i say im rule abiding

“when she was at f****** she tried to get expelled by not wearing her blazer to and from school, my little stickler.”

i find myself saying something to the same effect often

but i think, maybe, thats my mum

and i, enjoy breaking rules

or, i spent so long complying that im enjoying not complying right now

but, im not really enjoying it

but i keep doing it anyway

i dont have much of a guilty conscience

and every time i do something im not allowed to

my anxiety dissipates

i really, can, do what i want

if i get caught, i dont care

so i’ll do drugs

drive without a supervisor

shoplift

whatever else i decide to

because who. fucking. cares.

i dont care about the consequences

the not caring scares me

WHY DO NURSES ALWAYS LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN

IT WAS SHUT WHEN YOU CAME TO CHECK

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WANT IT OPEN NOW

the kitchen now knows i’m vegan

lunch - pumpkin soup

i ate it because i felt bad for being that vegan pain in the ass

dinner - something. i have no clue but there was RICE

i ate it because the same nurse that threatened to keep my chords if i didnt eat on day one, accused me of not eating lunch, or at all while being here

“i asked them, they said you havent”

“i promise i ate lunch”

“eat now”

so i did

she walked past a few times, i was only eating so she could put it on my notes that it happened

i made eye contact

i thought she saw

but she didnt.

later she came to my room

“you didnt eat dinner. you arent eating or drinking.”

“I ATE DINNER JUST LIKE I ATE LUNCH I PROMISE YOU SAW ME”

“i didnt see you. why are you lying to me?”

“i’m not lying, the reason i havent left my room is because im freaking out. i ate lunch, and dinner, and i ate last night, its too much and i hate myself”

i start tearing up.

“you havent been throwing up have you? its bad for your teeth.”

“no, i havent. but i’ll be honest, i tried and i couldn’t. i havent done it in weeks but i needed to today. but i didnt.”

“good.... why are you lying about eating.”

“I PROMISE YOU I ATE. IM REALLY FUCKING MAD ABOUT IT BECUAUSE I ONLY ATE SO YOU WOULD SEE I WAS AND WRITE IT DOWN BUT YOU DIDNT EVEN SEE AND YOU DONT BELIEVE ME. IM TRYING.”

i start welling up again.

“maybe you should be admitted to an eating disorder ward”

“i mean, its not that bad, its not good but... im managing, like, i know, i know what to do and... i dont actually have an eating disorder”

“dont throw up. its bad for your teeth.”

i didnt tell her about the laxatives i stashed in the lining of my bag while i was out

that i took five of after dinner

its not really laxative abuse, its only one more than the recommended dose

no unescorted leave, my nurse this morning asked about visitors. but i dont get visitors

while the girl in the room next door has her mum and other family here literally, all the time

and literally everyone elses parents or friends, visit, often

apart from the girl who lives in another state, which, duh.

someone complained about their mum not coming in for one day

“shes such a bitch like, we dont even live that far away its not like she couldnt come”

she comes literally, every. single. day.

should i be more bitter about my lack of visitors?

im not, but im bitter about others not appreciating that they have people, that visit, that care

i dont think i would even know how to have a visitor

i have had visitors about as many times as you could count on one hand

i dont particularly enjoy it

i also dont enjoy when i ask someone to come, and they tell me they cant

its better not to ask at all

^^ that is where im at

i think im still a bit torn

but im still going to do it

and its going to work

the only thing stopping me is, if it doesnt

i cant deal with that again

someone i know is in the ICU right now, after driving his car in to a pole, on purpose

and im an asshole because im wondering why he didnt drive it in to a wall, or off a bridge. the pole gave him more chance of survival. i’m glad hes alive, but, if i were him i wouldnt want to be.

maybe i dont want to die, and thats why im here

or maybe i do want to die, and thats why im here

i cant allow myself the things i want

hospital just feels like purgatory

i need to either leave and live

or leave and die

leave and die seems to be where ive landed

so being here is making me feel restless

suicidality feels so trivial

and dumb

so i dont like to talk about it

dont talk, just act

but these thoughts are huge burden to carry

i think i am not myself

not that i have ever been myself

but im definitely a different something that is not of sound mind

and i dont like that

because i want to be of sound mind

im not allowed to be crazy

but i am not well

someone who is well does not, well,

me.

i think im unwell because my hair is long again

last time i was here my hair was this length (but i wasnt this unwell)

its definitely that

i let my ex cut it all off

i hate having short hair

im keeping it long

even if long hair causes mental illness

(i know it doesnt but, i’m reaching.)

i finished the coraline graphic novel, i have started and never finished it countless times

i wanted to know how it ended today

i know how the movie ends

but maybe this would be different.

different version of events

similar ending

this page, was oddly, yup

i was social for an hour tonight,

one of the girls (big top energy) lost her phone

i offered to call it (i dont have her number)

then, i froze

thats how i got my ex’s number

she lost her phone around that exact couch

i called her phone

she then had my number.

(this time, someone else actually had her number so they did it)

big top energy girl is not for me though

but, the situation was, odd

and i think i understand transferrence a little more now

talking to people, just makes me realise how out of sorts i am

i only socialise when i think i am more ok

and i then realise im not

my speech is all over the place

sometimes i cant talk

i dont understand half the things people say to me

people dont understand half the things i say to them

i blank, a lot

i zone out a lot

i say odd things

i dont process

i cant participate

its exhausting

on repeat (not sure why. just, a good song?)

wordsearch count - 8 (ive given up on the wordsearches. i found one that i wanted to do but it had the name of someone ~not great~ in it so i dont want to touch the pile. but what happened was fine right? obviously ive processed that well. obviously it hasnt affected me.