#my hormones and health have been fucked up since November

[femmeboyhooters]

Why does life ALWAYS have to be shit

[floofysmallbob]

I worked so fucking hard, so fucking hard, and I’m stuck behind everyone again.

I’ve always been so far ahead, I’ve always prided myself on being the best, that’s my whole fucking value, that’s all I fucking am. Other than that, I just make my whole personality being being a retarded ass faggot. I have no character, I just make dirty jokes and hate myself, and that’s all I ever do. I’ve always thought I was an artist, but now I can’t even make the simplest things, the things I was best at look like they do in my head, or even decent. I got rejected from art school, I can barely finish a single piece, and haven’t for months. I’ve prided myself on being the smartest my whole life. I started reading chapter books at 4, I was always gifted, I was always a grade ahead in reading and math, I had to skip a grade when I transferred schools and they didn’t have the same acceleration program because it was so frustratingly easy, I had to prove so many fucking times that I belonged in the class that they didn’t put me in, I got all As while being suicidal and depressed, I would cry when I got 94s, because I had to be smart, because that’s all I know I am.

I had to take a month off of school due to mental health, and it felt like I failed. I felt horrid when I ended that year with a B in math, I felt like I didn’t deserve the class that I had pushed to be put in. I got kicked out of school last year, and the homeschool program just felt like they were ridiculing me, underestimating me, putting me down. It felt terrible, it made me feel the way I did when I had to skip a grade, when I left my one friend at that school behind and had to deal with being made fun of behind my back, just so I could take classes that were my level. I may have finished that homeschool program with As, but I felt undeserving, unworthy, and useless.

And then my friend texts me, my friend who has always said they were in higher level math courses despite not doing so in school, and says that my old school, the one I was kicked out of because the teachers were ableist pieces of shit, has changed up their math program, that they’re now in a math curriculum I haven’t done yet. My friend who has always been in classes below me.

And they told me our mutual friend, the one I’ve always felt inferior to, the one who has never had her grades drop below a 90, who is so incredibly smart and works so hard despite being there on financial aid, is now two grades ahead of where I am, which is already 1-2(depends on the school) years ahead of average. That our mutual friend has to take an optional course because if she didn’t, she wouldn’t have a math class for senior year.

Because despite my efforts, despite being younger than everyone in my grade, despite all of my dumb fucking irrelevant struggles, I’m still being surpassed. By people that I thought I could compete with, that I thought I could be on the same level as. But I’ve been stuck at home since November, I haven’t seen any of my friends in months, I’m lagging behind now because of how shitty that homeschool program was, and I’m afraid I’m just going to get kicked out of another school, because my mental health is terrible and people talked behind my back(and right in front of me), and one of my only good qualities is disappearing, because I can’t do basic addition or remember anything, let alone do duel fucking enrollment.

What the hell was I thinking, planning to take a French III class at the community college this year, and try and do math with people two grades my senior, and try to keep my friendships when everyone is either changing schools of moving and my old school has just gotten worse and I can’t trust anyone and I have to TALK TO FUCKING INTERNET BASTARDS BECAUSE I CANT TELL ANYTHING TO THE PEOPLE I’M SUPPOSED TO BE CLOSE WITH and I can’t cry or scream because I stopped being able to a while back, and I can’t even trust my own feelings or this fucking tumblr rant because of hormones, and menstrual cycles, and being a teenager, and I can’t do anything because it just feels neon orange and I don’t even want to kill myself anymore and I wish I did because then I would at least have something to blame and hope for but if I don’t want to die I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to be stuck like this and I can’t

I can’t be stuck here with terrible mental health and silent tearless sobbing and people who are leaving me and surpassing me and a lack of being able to do anything and feeling horrible and terrible and like I’m about to start convulsing and stuck with a sibling that screams and a dad who has to have his teenage child clean his apartment and a retarded brain that just hates me and I can’t

and I’m stuck on my device all the time because I can’t do anything else and and d jchejxihdjskndnxnannsnc dna dnd andand how is it that I’m such a mess and I can’t do anything and it feels like my heart is trying to escape my body and maybe I wish it would and nothing had to be like this and I could have been better and I could have dont better and I know I need to be better because how the hell did I end up here having to spill all my worst thoughts onto a screen and everything is bricked up and it’s that color too and it just feels like something is knocking against that wall so hard and I wish it would just fall over already but it won’t and it won’t just fall and I just won’t fucking die and I want to want to die and I’m just some incompetent little shit and I don’t know anything about myself and I’m just trying to grab fucking attention because I’m desperate just like I’m desperate for validation and I’m desperate to be the best because I need to be the best, I need to be the best at something, just one thing. And I tried to go to the climbing gym because that used to be my thing, too, I was a climber, I was good at it, and I used to be good at gymnastics, too, when I was little, and now being smart is becoming the ‘used to’ and my younger sibling is doing all those things now and doing them so much better than I ever did and now I’ve just got reading, and I’m just barely holding on to that feeling of intelligence and now I don’t think I could beat a 5th grader in an academic competition and I’m just losing everything and I can’t fucking deal with it and I’m overreacting and I’m being dramatic and this isn’t real just like how I’m probably lying about everything else too and I’m doubting the words I’m writing right now and I can’t.

I’ve said it so many times when people try to tell me to just do but I can’t

I can’t

[ilikeyoshi]

i've been reading lately that pmdd can get worse as you age and honestly, yeah, i think that's happening. when i started taking continuous birth control to help with the hormonal fluctuations it worked super well, but it seems to just work... less and less... and lately whenever i've had to take a break on the meds for a breakthrough bleed the emotions just get??? bad???

i've been inexplicably sad and paranoid the past 2-3 days and it feels really bad after so long of Being Okay. like. i don't WANT to go back to this. i thought i was just tired because chronic illness but i think it's depression. it doesn't help that periods are probably my WORST gender dysphoria trigger.

i have an appt with my obgyn in november and some ideas of what we might be able to do, but it's just. tiring, you know. i'm getting so tired of fighting it and i know hysterectomy with bilateral whatchamacallit is like, a Big Fucking Deal, but i just. don't care? i can't make myself care anymore i just want to stop bleeding and i want to stop being physically capable of bearing children and it's just making me crazy and spirally lately. pmdd + gender dysphoria is actually the evilest combination imaginable.

:( i know in all likelihood i'm going to have to go through all the stupid hoops, like uid and uterine ablation, before doctors will let me just pull everything out and bin it—and if any of that works that's great but it all feels so.... subject to failure?? it feels like i'm just delaying something i'll nevertheless need to do anyway, when everything else stops working. uids have to be replaced, and uterine ablation is not only more likely to just give you light periods than no periods, but if it gets worse again it sounds like i can only get MAYBE one more ablation? so what if it comes back after the second one. assuming i get lucky and the ablations actually STOP the periods instead of lightening them.

like. it just feels like a bunch of time and money and pain for something that isn't super guaranteed to work. especially because my mom had a breast cancer that eats up estrogen, so like, part of me is thinking, if i get the hysterectomy-and-etc NOW, and enter surgical menopause NOW, i can still TAKE the estrogen HRT that makes said menopause infinitely easier to deal with. that might not be an option as i get older! if i develop the same breast cancer my mom (and grandma (and great grandma)) had, i won't be able to take the estrogen anymore. y'know??? it just seems like something that's more likely to backfire on me.

i dunno. i talk to the obgyn in november but i'm just. having a really bad week (breakthrough week, so i can't take the birth control, and being off it makes me crazy again) and i just want this to be over. i KNOW how to make it be over. i don't care if i have to take medication for the next 30 years or whatever, i take medication i'm likely going to need for life already, it's just another fuckin daily pill in the caddy. i don't care. i just want it to be over. i want to donate these organs to someone who wants them and can use them and that's Not Me. that's never been me. childbirth has scared and horrified me since i was a tiny little kid, and despite what adults told me it never, ever got better. i think about a fetus in my gut and i burst into tears. it's so fucking scary. i want this thing gone so i know it CANNOT happen.

i get why it's not ideal, i get why it's a last resort, i get it affects my bone and heart health, i just. i just don't care. it's been almost 29 years of being told "i'd want kids someday, i'll get pregnant someday" and then almost 20 years of the bleeding and the constant reminder that i'm a Woman™ and i can get pregnant and my body is SO INCREDIBLY READY TO GO in making a baby and it makes me wanna rip my guts out!!!! dude!!!! i hate this body i hate this anxiety i hate these constant unending reminders and i don't wanna fuckin DO IT for 20-30 more years i want to live NOW. i want to feel safe in my own skin NOW. fuck!

anyway. waiting for november is hard. being in the middle of a pmdd episode fucking sucks. i just feel bad all the time. i just want it to be over.

[specklesofdust]

7-30-2022 

Got my STD results back and they were all NEGATIVE 

I also have been very much trying to manage my interactions with men better since...or at least trying to be more mindful of this all because I am tired of feeling like I allowed myself to be used as temporary means of satisfaction for others and I am finding myself actually yearning to be in a committed relationship that I actually see a future to be built with alongside someone else...

I am not getting any younger and I am 32 years old right now and i can feel my body clock ticking and wanting me to conceive in the upcoming years to come but i could NOT even see myself procreating with anyone I have recently had sexual interactions with in the last month really except for that Joshua guy who owns his own house by the river but I just discovered that he has been taking weekly testosterone injections for the last 5 years and this significantly lowers sperm count in men... 

I need to back off of hanging out with Reggie because no matter how great the sex is initially, there is always some kind of lingering drama with Erica and/or his baby mommas and his 5 kids and he doesn’t have a steady income and doesn’t own a car and doesn’t have his own place and always asks me for rides and whatnot and he is more of a scrub than any kind of potential suitor for me... I need to be kind to him as friends and maintain boundaries with him and not allow him into my life like he once was because the most consistent thing with that 46 yr old man is inconsistency, unfortunately.. 

I hooked up with this Lawyer named trey and had a one night stand with him and the day after we had a great intimate interaction, he awoke in a panic asking me to pick off all of the blonde hairs he had on his dark skinned body because he didn’t want his “soon to be ex wife” to see any kind of signs of infidelity on him upon entering their home in which they share a 3  yr old daughter with and he also then relayed to me that he will “never not marry a black woman” and that my “pussy felt so good it made him want to get a vasectomy” VOMIT gross so I told him exactly how disrespected and disgusted I felt by his lack of respect and he apologized and asked me if there was going to be “any bad karma” coming his way from that and I assured him I would not say anything to his wife he is in the middle of a divorce with and i took a plan b after that and now I am feeling the repercussions from taking that pill now and I am bleeding and cramped and my breasts are tender and my hormones are all out of whack but at least I know I don’t have to deal with the other alternative of having to get a 3rd abortion before this law passes on August 25th. I need to be very careful with who I have intercourse with these days and if I don’t think that they could potentially be a good candidate as the future father of my child then I shouldn’t fuck with them at all in any regard because that is more than unfair to me and my emotions and my body in the long run. 

Tony the country singer just got back into town from Arizona this morning and I haven’t seen him in at least 4 months now and we have been talking about hanging out whenever I am done working this weekend and whenever he is done in the recording studio within the next couple of days and he is supposed to be in Nashville until at least November of this year and I am very excited and nervous but more excited to see him because we really had a deep connection and I need to apologize to him for acting like a crazy ass bitch right before he left. I don’t know what I want any more and the longer I remain to live in this festered town I feel lesser of who I want to be and more of who I never wanted to become and I need to fix that by changing my standards of living and love. 

Is it too much to ask to be with someone who I can trust and that I love and that I could actually see myself building a family with? I think not. We shall see. I am tired of working here at this old ass behavioral health facility out in Madison and I am so thankful that this evil ass Dr. S’s last day is on August 31st because I have been learning about how evil he is through the testaments of my patients he has been pimping out and admitting involuntarily against their wills for ongoing 4 generations now affecting them, their daughters, and now their grandchildren. If it weren’t for that sign on bonus of $10,000 I got when I first started here with a 2 year contract then I would be looking for a nursing position outside of this state somewhere far far away where I can learn new things, meet new people, and have a fresh start. I might as well start looking anyways though because what is the worst thing that could happen? not shit. 

I have been temporarily letting Darian stay at my crib for the last several nights because she has nowhere to go currently due to her ongoing drama with Ryan and I felt bad for her and her unstable housing and lack of good consistent sleep and i had to let her know today that she needs to be out of my place by monday because I did not sign up for a roommate that does not pay rent and that needs rides everywhere bc she doesn’t have a car right now... she responded respectfully and let me know how thankful she has been for my help and that she will be out by monday (it is currently saturday) because I do not want any more drama in my life and she has asked me repeatedly to text ryan for her because he has blocked her and she apparently showed up at his art warehouse unannounced the other day when she said she was getting food and he had to get someone to escort her off the property... i have zero time for that bullshit so I pray that she leaves peacefully and gives me the respect I have so graciously given her. 

I am so proud of my brother matthew who just passed his course training to be a wildfire relief worker and he called me the other day and told me he just got his level 2 firefighters certification and is working to get his EMT certification now and he sounds like he is really in the zone of what he wants to accomplish. I admire that so much about him. He is a go getter. I want to be more like that. 

[pathopharmacology]

Hey. I'm the anon that checks in on you occasionally. First, sorry for thanking you for doing your job, I understand now that was tone deaf and I'm sorry for being an ass with that. Secondly, you've gone completely dark since this pandemic started and I'm really worried about you, especially since IIRC you work in emergency. You don't have to be okay (although that sure would be nice!!). I'm guessing you're not. But I'd like to know you're alive. And I want you to know you're not forgotten. We're not friends, though we're mutuals last I checked, and I want you to know someone cares even if there isn't shit I can do to help. Stay breathing. Keep your head above water.

Shit, friend, I am so sorry I freaked you out like that. God’s honest truth, I haven’t checked tumblr in ages, because I kinda noped out of most social media after we lost our first baby and then never really found my footing again after because a bunch more Life Stuff happened (more on that below). I don’t know that I’ll resume any sort of presence here, but for those who do want to stay in touch I have a twitter account (@patho_patho) I use occasionally. It honestly never occurred to me that anyone would worry. Again, I’m super sorry about that. I never intended to scare anyone.

Anyway, life update! The tl;dr version is that I found out I was pregnant in November of last year, freaked out SUPER HARD about it because of how things went the last time, freaked out SUPER HARD some more when covid-19 started showing up in the states, left the emergency department for a care management position right before the hospital implemented a hiring freeze, basically didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant until I was like almost 26 weeks along and it was incredibly obvious anyway, and — several months later — ended up having an unplanned (but non-emergent) cesarean delivery when my water broke three weeks early and the baby was breech.

The little dude is now 8 weeks old, growing like gangbusters and marvelously healthy. Unfortunately, our entire state caught on fire recently, so I’ve just spent the last week with him up at my parents’ house because the air is poison and their ventilation situation is way better than ours. Fun stuff.

I can’t explain how good it was for my mental health to get out of the emergency department. I was struggling even before everything happened with my first pregnancy, so when I got off my “postpartum depression is even more awesome when your baby is dead” medical leave, I was in a REAL bad way. We were thrilled when I got pregnant again, but it was also much earlier than we’d intended (apparently I’m super fertile, hooray?) and I spent the first trimester pretending like it wasn’t happening because I wasn’t sure I could survive the loss of another child. Covid started being a thing riiiight as I was heading into the second trimester, and...let me tell you, being pregnant during a pandemic is absolutely terrifying, and it was even more terrifying when I was still working in the ED. Those early days, when we really didn’t know much except that it was really, really bad? God, that was brutal. I was having panic attacks on my way to work, because I was scared shitless that I was going to get it and either I would die (thus killing my baby), or there would be complications of some sort (which would kill my baby), or me and the baby would be fine, but I would give it to the Dude or my parents and then one of THEM would die and...

Anyway. Bad times. It was bad times.

I was interviewing for a number of positions when things started amping up, and accepted the care management job literally days before the shelter-in-place orders went into effect, which led to a hospital-wise hiring/transfer freeze. The transfer still went through, thank god, and my new job has been amazing. They were super cool when I finally told them I was pregnant, especially when I explained why it took me so long to disclose it in the first place (basically, I wanted to wait until the final diagnostic tests were done and I knew 100% that this kiddo wasn’t sick the way our first was). I’m currently on maternity leave, and every once in a while my supervisor will text with a demand for more baby pictures. It’s really nice, actually. Care management is challenging as fuck, but it’s also really rewarding and interesting, and I’m glad I was able to make the switch before the whole world imploded.

(Also, it’s super nice to be in a position where the stakes are not literally life and death, and I’m also not putting my own life on the line every time I go into a patient room? I might’ve been okay with that once upon a time, but, uh, a lot of shit changed for me last year)

That’s pretty much it, unless y’all want to hear the whole pregnancy saga (which probably isn’t all that interesting, to be honest, except for the last bit with the c-section and all). Parenthood is deeply scary and deeply amazing. Everyone talks to you about postpartum depression, which makes it super easy to be blindsided by postpartum anxiety, which is like regular anxiety except your hormones are completely out of whack and you cry a lot and also refuse to sleep because you’re convinced your baby will die the moment you stop looking at them. Being a new parent during a pandemic is even scarier than being pregnant during a pandemic, and I honestly have no idea how I’m going to explain all of this EVERYTHING to the kiddo once he’s old enough to ask what the fuck was up with 2020, anyway.

Again, I’m really sorry I scared you by going radio silent. I’ve got all my notifications turned back on in case you or anyone else has any follow-up questions, and people are always welcome to check in over on the twitters (which is a garbage site, I freely admit, so I totally understand if folks would rather not). I definitely aten’t dead, and right now I’m doing better than I have in a long while.

Now I just need the air to stop being poison.

[shutupandshipit]

Sharpen Your Blades - Ch.9

Summary: “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

The thinning of Aizawa’s patience was evident in the twitching of his brow. “If you stop asking questions, maybe I could finish explaining.

”With a huff and roll of his eyes, Katsuki glanced away from their coach.

“City Hall and the SC want us to give them more variety. We are a team solely made up of single skaters. Every year, we dominate the rankings for single skate while Shinketsu dominates the pairs, so this year both cities are being required to split their skaters evenly between singles and pairs with at least one pair coming from out top five.” There was a collective intake of breath, but no one commented, choosing instead to remain silent. “Unfortunately, for us, it’s a lot easier to switch from pairs to singles. With our male to female ratio, alpha/beta/omega ratio, and those of you actually experienced with pair skating, we’re at a disadvantage. So, I’ve decided to choose your partners for you.”

…..

Or where Katsuki and Izuku are forced to be partners so they can continue to compete, but the blood in the water may be thicker than anyone realized.

Pairing: Bakudeku

Rating: T

Chapter: 9/20

Previously <- Chapter 8: First Snows

Chapter 10: Alpha Wanted -> Next

Chapter 9: Refill

“We’re going to prescribe you suppressants.”

Blinking rapidly, Izuku lifted his head. He hadn’t been paying attention, not really. All of his focus had been on the agonizing cramps turning his guts into knots, washing his vision black and grey, and his mother’s hand crushing his. His heat was still another week away, but he’d started pre-heat that morning. It would only get worse with each passing day, and bile rose in the back of his throat at the thought.

He knew that word though, ‘suppressants’. He’s read about them, not extensively, but enough. Mostly to find out how they affected the performance of the Olympic skaters who were ‘strongly encouraged’ to take a form of both suppressants and birth control for all primary and secondary genders.

He’d never thought about using them himself though.

Clearing his throat, he asked over Inko’s sniffling, “Suppressants?”

The kind while strange doctors cocked their heads at him. “Do you know what suppressants are?” the man asked.

“Yes, a little, but why? I’m not really sure why you would want to put me in suppressants...”

Inko sobbed, “You think things are that bad?”

The doctors glanced at each other, but seemed to come to the conclusion to ignore his mother’s question. The only thing was that he wanted to know the answer too. “Suppressants have many uses. We want to use them to help regulate your heat and to make them easier,” the man explained.

Izuku bit his lip, shame twisting his insides as badly as the cramps, but asked anyway, “Can you make them go away? I don’t… want to have heats. I don’t like them. They hurt.”

“Well, that can happen during periods of excessive stress and when you’re young. You see, it’ll level out eventually. So, we’re just going to use the suppressants until that leveling out happens,” the woman explained.

Izuku stared at her as the pain in his abdomen worsened, but he managed to not hunch over completely. “I don’t care. I don’t want them.”

Inko gasped beside him, and he didn’t have to look at her to feel her eyes boring into him. “Izuku! Don’t say that! Having heats, being able to bring life into this world, is a gift!”

Again, Izuku said, “I don’t want them.”

The man pursed his lips, pushing a hand back into his dark hair. “Restricting your hormones like that is not advised, especially since you’re so young. But we can do this for you, okay? We’re not willing to endanger your health like that.”

Izuku didn’t reply, doing his best to fight the uncharacteristic anger that rose in his chest with the very characteristic tears that flooded his eyes. He didn’t want to have heats, not since he’d started them. He’d just have to find a way to use the prescription to his advantage.

…..

November Week 1

“Dr. Matsumoto?” Izuku asked tentatively as he poked his head around the door to his doctor’s office.

The omega man spun around in his chair, quickly pushing his glasses up his nose and smiling at Izuku. “Mr. Midoriya! Come in, come in! Dr. Kavinsky will be here in just a moment. Please, have a seat. There’s a few things we would like to discuss with you today.”

Izuku followed the doctor’s orders, sitting down on the paper covered exam table. The stirrups attached to the end made him queasy, but he wasn’t here for that kind of checkup, thank everything holy. To take his mind off his nerves, he stripped out of his coat and held out the arm that hadn’t just had blood drawn from it. Dr. Matsumoto strapped a blood pressure cuff to him. It was all business as usual. Even though Dr. Shuzenji had taken over his care for physical therapy and sports physicals, he still went to his usual doctors for everything else.

Nowadays, he only found himself in the doctor’s office every six months for his check-ups and whenever he needed to refill his suppressants. Today had only been meant for a refill, but he didn’t actually interact with either of his doctors for that normally. So the fact that they had requested him to attend an appointment with both of them present was more worrying than he was willing to let on.

He and Dr. Matsumoto chatted idly while they waited for Dr. Kavinsky, and each passing moment of small talk made Izuku all the more nervous. When the female omega bustled in with jovial apologies, he was nearly ready to vibrate right off the edge of the table. Digging his fingers into the padding, he forced a smile and said, “No worries, Dr. Kavinsky, but um… is there anything wrong? I only needed a refill, and there’s still another couple of months until my next check-up.”

The doctors glanced at each other, a peculiar habit they’d had as long as he’d known them, before Dr. Kavinsky glanced back at him and Dr. Matsumoto turned to click away at the computer. “Well, no, there’s nothing particularly wrong. Well, I haven’t seen your blood work just yet, but I would like to say everything is alright. That is to say, we didn’t ask you to come here for anything concerning your check-ups, but concerning your refill.” She’d also always had a peculiar way of speaking, and Izuku took a few moments to process her words. There was a ping on the computer, and she glanced away towards the screens as the other omega began sliding around open files around on the screen.

Ice trickled into his veins, the first indication of panic. “My refill, ma’am? Is there something wrong with it?”

Again, the two doctors exchanged a look. There were colorful charts that made no particular sense to Izuku across the computer screen now including a long list of text open on the opposite monitor. They pulled the screen away from the wall to swivel it towards him, a piece of furniture he found cool every other occasion but right then. Flanking the screen, Dr. Matsumoto spoke while Dr. Kavinsky pointed at spots on the bar and pie graphs. “I want you to take a look at this chart, Mr. Midoriya, do you know what this represents?” Izuku shook his head, and the doctor continued without missing a beat. “These are graphs that we devised to make it easier to explain things to patients. These charts represent the levels of crucial hormones in your body over the past couple visits you’ve had. You might be able to tell why we’re concerned.”

Izuku swallowed, eyes absorbing every ounce of info he could glean from the sparsely labeled graphs, but he thought he understood what they were trying to say. “The levels have been dropping over the past two years?” He was only taking a stab in the dark on the time frame. He couldn’t remember how many times he’d come in in the past year, but he knew he’d gotten his blood drawn every time. There were a lot of charts staring at him.

“These charts are just from the past year not including the one that was run today. That one is still in text format over there. We have ones dating back to when you were first placed on suppressants as well. We’ve seen dips in your levels that track with the dates you’ve given us for your heats though they are lower than what we’d expect for normal suppressant usage, but this has been a common theme with your heats and suppressants.” He glanced at Izuku though, and the slight frown of disapproval seemed to say he suspected foul play on Izuku’s part. He wouldn’t have been wrong, and Izuku ripped his eyes away back to the screen. “But your levels have rapidly begun to decline this year and that is dangerous. Dangerous for everyone, but particularly for omegas and alphas. We’d hoped that they would level back out, but...” Dr. Matsumoto inhaled noisily, but Dr. Kavinsky was the one to speak.

“Mr. Midoriya, we are no longer going to be providing you with suppressants.”

Izuku’s eyes snapped to her. Every ugly emotion he possessed -fear, anger, horror, terror- all crowded together in his chest. They all vied for attention until he was feeling nothing at all. Since he’d started training close to Katsuki again, he’d also started having to regularly take his suppressants -sometimes even taking them twice or three times a day-, and the sweeping numbness that they occasionally caused was a welcome relief at times. “Why? I… I need my suppressants, ma’am, sir.”

“Do you know why we have suppressants, Mr. Midoriya? Do you know what they do?” Dr. Kavinsky asked.

His immediate response was ‘yes’, but the look on her face told him that any answer he gave was going to be wrong. At least partially. Still, he said, “To control heats for omega and ruts for alphas so we can still function in society. Either putting them on a set schedule or making them easier to handle so there will be less damage and recuperation afterwards.”

“Well, that is true, yes, but that’s only part of it. Here’s the thing, suppressants are actually meant to sustain hormone levels. That’s how we manage all of those things. That’s also why there are so many different kinds, and not all of them work for every omega or alpha. Everybody’s bodies are different, and therefore need different hormone levels for suppressants to work. Here’s another thing that isn’t usually explained, but it is why prolonged use is highly discouraged. Prolonged use can make these crucial hormone levels drop to severe and dangerous levels, which is why blood tests are needed to track these. That is what we’re beginning to see with your hormone levels. For an alpha or omega, if these levels drop too far it could cause a catatonic state or that person to go feral. Much like with what happened to you when you were younger. If use is continued, this could even cause death. So, we’re discontinuing your refills, and if your hormones do not return to normal, we may have to start hormone treatments. There are other safer ways to manage your heats, especially since you’ve been an adult for a few years now.”

The room fell silent, and after a moment, Dr. Matsumoto seemed to feel the need to include, “This is commonly seen in… suppressant abuse and dependency cases…”

Izuku worked his jaw, and after a moment, muttered, “What am I supposed to do without my suppressants? I haven’t had a heat… that isn’t unbearable since I presented.” He hadn’t really had any heats since he was eleven and was put on his suppressants, but he didn’t need to tell them that.

The suppressants he’d been prescribed were supposed to be taken daily, but he skipped his dose most days and saved them for the moment he started feeling his pre-heat set in. He’d take double until his heat would normally end, effectively eliminating it all together. Heats and ruts functioned as a full body detox, resetting the body for a new cycle, so to completely be skipping them… Well, he was sure that it had something to do with his declining hormone levels. It couldn’t be healthy.

But he didn’t have any other choice. They were just too painful.

“There are apps that provide heat services where an alpha will stay in your vicinity or even physically help you through your heat. Or if you’re a traditionalist, possibly you could date. There are also some very R-rated sites that have plenty of heat implements that may make things easier. As for the chemical route, we cannot condone further use,” Dr. Matsumoto explained, repositioning the screen and sitting back down.

He looked so helpful, sounded so helpful, but all Izuku wanted to do was strangle him. Maybe that was why he forced a smile, hopped off the table and grabbed his coat. If that wasn’t an addict’s response, he didn’t know what was. He didn’t want to be an addict. It was a hard truth to consider. “Thank you for your time today, doctors. I appreciate you explaining things to me. I’ll see you in another couple of months.” Without waiting to hear their answers, he turned and left the room despite how rude that was.

He had to get to practice. He didn’t have time to be worrying about things like this.

…..

Katsuki hadn’t been looking forward to practice. He enjoyed cardio generally, but once the first snow fell for the season, he absolutely despised it. He would rather skate endless circles around the rink or do sprints or just about anything else for hours over running outside. Living in Yuuei, logic would have stated that he was used to the cold by that point in his life, but reality was a cruel mistress. Every breath he took felt like ice picks being rammed into his lungs, and once everything was said and done, it took him at least two hours to properly warm up again.

Still, he dutifully showed up to practice that afternoon dressed in thermals and his workout gear instead of his usual heavy winter wear. He wore the beanie and gloves that he’d had to dig out of the bottom of his closet, a little musty and very itchy. He hadn’t remembered why he’d relegated them to be forgotten in the shadows, but standing there wearing them, he was reminded all over again. He was mildly bitter about the fact that Izuku had hoarded his gloves and hat instead of returning them.

Granted, Katsuki wouldn’t have accepted them -he gave them to an omega for fuck’s sake, he’d never see them again- but he would have liked the gesture. Well, he’d take them back under very specific circumstances.

‘Gifts to omega. Must provide. Keep warm. Warmth is strong body. Strong body is strong pups. Court omega to mate omega. Omega will give strong pups. Omega will make good mate. Omega will make alpha happy.’

‘I get it,’ Katsuki thought at his alpha viciously, but as much as he hated to bother with the basest of his instincts, he had allowed his alpha to guide him. And it seemed to have paid off.

He slouched on a park bench while he waited for the rest of the team to show up, nursing a bottle of hot tea. Several of the others had already turned up including his partner, and his eyes hadn’t left Izuku’s hands. Wrapped up in green, white and black thermal fleece lined gloves with a rabbit decal on the back, Izuku’s hands looked very warm indeed. And from what he could tell, the size of the gloves were perfect.

Smirking to himself, he slid a little further down.

The omega stood several meters away from Katsuki as he watched Iida and Uraraka go back and further. Iida gestured as animatedly as usual, and Uraraka mimicked his movements until a small smile appeared on Izuku’s face. The omega didn’t join in the conversation though, and something about the way he stood, a little further back than usual with his arms held tightly across his chest, told Katsuki something wasn’t right.

‘Omega distressed? Worried? Angry?’ his alpha asked worriedly.

‘I don’t know.’

The smirk on his face fell away, and as if sensing his gaze, Izuku turned towards him. There was a fakeness to his smile that Katsuki had been forced to get used to since they’d presented. That smile had stuck around for years after Aizawa had recruited them, but it had rarely made an appearance in recent years. Seeing it now felt like an ill omen, like the worst kind of shock to his system. He sat up straight, but as Izuku headed his way, he watched it ease into something more true.

“Kacchan!” Izuku said, stopping beside Katsuki as he shoved his hands into coat pockets.

“What do you want, nerd?”

Izuku’s smile didn’t falter, and only seemed to grow wider as he held out the pair of gloves Katsuki had given him the week before. “Sorry for keeping them so long. I was still using them, but someone left me these as a present in my bag yesterday, so I thought I’d return yours.”

Pursing his lips, Katsuki stared at the gloves, not reaching for them even though he very much wanted to trade out his current itchy pair. The fact that they’d smell like Izuku just made it harder to fight. “Are those better than mine?”

Red flushed Izuku’s cheeks, and Katsuki knew the answer. “Well, I uh, that is- Yours are really nice-”

“Stop stuttering, and just give me a straight answer. Damn.”

“They’re… a bit nicer than yours, but only because they fit better!”

Which meant they were worlds better than Katsuki’s beat up, worn in fur lined leather gloves. He hid a smirk in his collar. Snatching them from Izuku’s hand, he said, “Better hurry up and figure out who gave them to you soon to thank them properly.”

Still smiling, Izuku clasped his hands behind his back. “You wouldn’t have any idea who that would be, right Kacchan? Maybe you saw something?”

“The only thing I see is the fact that you’re still wearing my fucking beanie too.”

Izuku’s hand jumped up to his hair flattened by the black and orange beanie. “Do you want it back?”

“I’m already wearing one. No use when it’s just going to go in my pocket.”

“Okay.” Izuku didn’t turn back to his friends like Katsuki thought he would, but instead took a seat beside him. As soon as he sat, he seemed to deflate, shoulders drooping and smile dropping almost into non-existence. His eyes gazed off into the distance.

Katsuki wasn't sure if he should say anything and disturb Izuku, or continue to stare and watch him wallow. He chose the former, preferring a smiling Izuku to whatever he'd turned into. "What's the matter with you?" Izuku's eyes snapped towards him, startled, and Katsuki felt worse for knowing that it was because that was the first time Katsuki had asked how he was doing in years. Even when they'd actually been best friends, he'd rarely ever asked Izuku that question.

That fake smile returned immediately. "Oh, nothing, Kacchan, just a little tired. Thanks for asking though."

'Don't. Don't pretend with me. Don't put on that fake expression. You don't have to do that with me,' Katsuki thought desperately, wishing he had the guts to just come out and say it. Before he could muster up the words though, Toshinori called their attention, waving them over to the beginning of the hiking trail.

Together they stood and started towards their coaches.

Aizawa was bundled up tightly in black and maroon, looking not at all present as he dozed against a tree. Toshinori, tall and gaunt, stood beside the omega beneath the dropping bows of the pine. His blond hair was pushed back with a hairband much like the one Katsuki had given Izuku several weeks ago, and his track suit looked bulky and warm. "Good afternoon, my young charges! I hope you all had a good night yesterday." As always, Toshinori's voice was loud and booming, drawing the attention of people down the walking path.

The team tittered away for several long moments until Toshinori cleared his throat to bring their attention back to the task at hand. "Alright. We haven't used this hiking path for a run in awhile so be mindful of the condition of the road, low hanging branches, icy patches and roots. Don't overwork yourselves too early, this trail is an eight kilometer loop all together. With the season about to start, we're also starting up our annual Run-to-Win Competition. Remember, first place gets the most points, and if you're the first to cross the finish line, you get certain prizes. Today is the right to choose your own outfit for the exhibition within reason of course, but you'll be the final decider in the end." The group erupted in excited shouts again, and even Katsuki perked up.

He'd gotten to choose his outfit a couple times over the course of his career, but there'd always been something his coach rejected or made him change. He'd never had a true say in what he wore. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Izuku straighten up in interest. Right, they were partners this year. If one of them came in first, that person would also be choosing the others’ outfit as well. They had to match, at least for the most part, and Katsuki wasn't about to wear something fucking stupid because he lost to Izuku.

Izuku glanced at him, catching his eye. They held eye contact for a long moment before the real smile was back again. "What do you say, Kacchan? Who's going to be choosing our outfits?"

With all of the others, they lined up at the mouth of the trail, and waited for Toshinori to start the clock. "Me, of course, shitty Deku," Katsuki spat before taking off with everyone.

Both he and Izuku didn't go full tilt right off the bat like a lot of their teammates did. The course was long, and they didn’t need to burn out too early. At least half of the others streamed out ahead of them, but soon enough, they were leading the pack. The rest lagged, some beginning to walk and others stopping all together to bend over and breath heavily. Only a few kept a steady pace, but none of them were as fast or steady as Izuku and Katsuki. Soon enough, they were the only ones on the path.

They kept pace with each other. Step for step, breath for breath, they ran together as if they were practicing synchronicity again. It was only when they'd already passed the fourth mile that they glanced at each other and simultaneously picked up the speed. Even as their race truly started, they were in sync. It was maddening in more ways than one, and Katsuki huffed like a boar as he worked to get even an inch in front of Izuku. Still, they remained neck and neck.

"Goddammit, Deku!" Katsuki spat on a sharp exhale. They were all but sprinting by that point, drenched in sweat and nearing the end of the trail.

Izuku had a wild smile, cheeks flushed with beautiful color and eyes alight. "I'm- going to- beat you- Kacchan!"

"Like hell!"

A wild laugh fell from Izuku's lips as the mouth of the trail came into view, and they both put in every last ounce of strength they had left. They reached the end of the trail, and kept going as they slipped on a patch of ice just on the other side.

"Fuck!" Katsuki cried, flailing backwards and snapping out a hand to keep Izuku from crashing forward onto his knees. Instead, they tumbled back into the snow between the trees, Katsuki on his back and Izuku against his chest completely out of breath. "Fuuuuuuck," Katsuki groaned, head flopped back even as the snow began to melt and soak his hair. He could barely breathe, and Izuku's weight didn't make it any better. Still, Izuku didn't try to get up and Katsuki didn't push him away.

After a moment, Katsuki felt the frozen tip of a nose skim along the column of his throat. Izuku's scent wafted to him. Sweat and excitement and musk and mint and arousal and lightning, and again, that chemical cleanness. It was the same as the last time he'd smelled it, but stronger than before. Like when they'd been twelve, and Izuku had been abusing suppressants. Wrinkling his nose against the scent and the sudden rush of worry and anger in his body, he felt more than heard Izuku gasp above him.

The weight disappeared from his chest, and he cracked his eyes open to find Izuku's surprised expression as Toshinori lifted him off Katsuki and Aizawa grasping his forearm to pull him to his own feet.

When his eyes found the omega's again, Izuku grinned. "Good race, Kacchan, but it looks like we're going to have to work together on our costumes."

"One of these days, you're going to have to give the others a chance to win a race," Aizawa said.

Katsuki sneered at their coach. "Not a chance in hell! We won fair and square. They need to try harder if they want to win."

Izuku laughed, the sound a tinkling chime even as Aizawa rolled his eyes and pulled the other omega away. "See you later, Kacchan," he called, hand waving over his head.

Katsuki couldn't rip his eyes away from him or rub away the reminder of his scent.

[mcrmadness]

Madness draws: my dä fanart from when I had my (arts) comeback in 2018

For years I didn’t draw anything because of a personal (art crisis) and because I simply was studying and working so much I just had no energy left for arts.

In 2018 I was done with schools and studying and dropped out of the school I was in at that moment, and also the horse stable I was working at (school related stuff) was sold and closed its doors so also my work ended. For the first time in almost 5 years I was actually free. The longest holidays I had has was 3 weeks summer holiday in 2016, I think. I had another in 2017 but of that I actually was having health issues (nothing serious) for 2 weeks and then had to be in school for the 3rd one, after which I even got the flu.

So I was SO excited when I finally was free the first day of November in 2018. After I had got enough sleep and rest, I started to find my creativity again. And I started to “daydream” before falling asleep every night, I started to write fanfictions in my head and I started to draw, too. Partially it was also because for the first time in years I had an online friend I enjoyed talking with and we had similar interests, aka dä and Bela/Farin, and that inspired me a lot to draw even more - but unfortunately that friendship did not work out in the end and we’re no longer friends.

Anyway, most of these drawings are very much Bela/Farin related again because I talked about that a lot with this person and I often asked what they’d want to see and then drew it if the idea was something I could carry out.

This is not the first one I drew but maybe the 4th or so. I’m just putting this here first because it’s the most “innocent” aka not too much shippy stuff rubbed into the faces of my followers who don’t care about that. There’s 5 different drawings + 1 comic behind the read more link. All of these, apart from the comic, where drawn into my old sketchbook.

About the drawing above - I didn’t use pencil for these first ones at all yet, I just drew them with the fineliners as I was still a bit rusty as the last time I REALLY drew anything was in 2013 aka over 5 years ago from 2018, so I had to actually look at my old comics and drawings to even figure out how to draw these characters anymore. And I think the last actual time I drew in this style was in 2011 even. And that is very visible from the first 2018′s drawing I did! ↓↓↓

This is the one - and wait, I have an explanation!

So with this person I mentioned, we just constantly had this playful debate over whether Bela is “bottom” or not - and honestly I couldn’t care less about that because I no longer read any fanfics. I do write fanfics - or a fanfic - but only for myself and as an asexual I have never been interested in writing about certain themes so I never need to think about the whole top/bottom stuff anyway. I used to read smut before until I one day just realized it’s SO BORING and uninteresting to read, started skipping all smut scenes and wanted to read fluff but all the fluff was so quickly and badly written because everyone wanted to write smut only, that I was left with absolutely nothing to read. So it was the old story again: I started writing/drawing the stuff I wanted to read and see.

However, back to the top/bottom topic, I always base my opinions with everything over how things are in real life and with these guys, if you look at how they are in interviews and on stage, the dynamics are not just plain black&white. I’ve never seen there anything that would indicate that just one is “top” or “bottom” whatsoever which is why I kept saying imo they’re more like just switching if you listen to their jokes. Remember: I don’t read any fanfiction and don’t give a fuck about smut (lol at the pun) and honestly, even tho I understand those jokes they do and say on stage, I wish not to have any visuals about any of that “activity” in my head.

So, to support my “they switch!” opinion, I drew this, just for fun. And it is the official first drawing I did in 2018. I just needed to fire back bigger than I could do with simple text messages :D

***

Moving on. The person in question was very fascinated by the idea that Farin would be a vampire and not Bela (to support their top/bottom views...) which is why I drew this:

Also a very quick one, without sketching anything before drawing with fineliners. This and the first image of this post both are very small in real life actually, the signature is about the same size in every drawing so you can see from that that they are actually pretty small.

Talking of the signature: The funniest thing to me about this IS the signature. Because I was so rusty I didn’t even know how to write it anymore :DDD You can compare it to the signature in the other drawings because in them it’s better. Why it’s so funny to me is because it should say “Aada” but it looks more like “Hella” which means “stove” in Finnish.

***

Next one was something I saw in my head and wanted to draw - I think this one was also done without sketching it at first:

Kinda simple, right? :D I just wanted to draw something with heavy shadows and they’re meant to be watching TV at night. I guess it came out pretty okay.

***

The next two I drew based on one of my old fanfics I wrote years and years ago. I’m a bit annoyed that I decied to draw these into my SKETCHBOOK when I could have used just paper I use for drawing but I guess I didn’t know yet where I was going to end up with these and drew them into the sketchbook because of that. I thought I didn’t sketch these at first but I have found photos of these with sketched with pencil so that means I started sketching my drawings at this point.

So, back to the fanfic, it’s one of the longer ones I wrote (but still not that long even) and set to happen in the late 80s. There was some drama in the story because of Bela’s drug use and Farin was very harsh and Bela left altogether. For some time they had no idea where each of them were but then one very rainy night they both were on a walk at the same time and happened to stumble upon each other for the first time in weeks or so. I can still see those scenes so vividly in my head and here’s my artistic view over those scenes:

Yes. I love drawing stuff like BRICKS.

I have used my Promarkers with the second image, the paper was not the best for them which is why the black looks awful.

What comes to the image... it really annoys me to look at that because how the FUCK that is something I have drawn? And it’s legit based on something I have written. ME??? Like wtf. My aroace ass just can’t handle me writing/drawing fluff like this. I have days when I need to see fluff more than anything and then have to produce the content because can’t find it from anywhere else and my brain is simultaneously like “flufffff 8))))” and “boohoo whyyyyy how staaaaaph D:” because I am so afraid of being connected to what I draw. Like. If I draw or write fluff, it doesn’t mean I would be a romantic person nor allosexual nor alloromantic, right? Because I can also draw a comic or write a story about a murderer and it doesn’t make me a psychopath either. It’s the exact same thing.

And in fact: I had a comic book character who was called Micro the Insane Murderer because that’s what he was. Also I once wrote a story about a serial killer but she was also insane. But for whatever reason it’s much harder to show people fluff I have written or drawn than my fictional serial killer stuff... I guess people just easier assume that you’re an allo, thanks to anormativity, but usually don’t think you’re a psychopath just because your OC is :D

***

The last one is the comic that has a Halloween theme as it was around Halloween and the person I talked with still wanted to see/read something where Farin is the vampire instead. So here’s something that was my first B/F comic in 7 years. I didn’t remember how to do pretty much anything anymore and the coloring is a bit off, and I was really still just trying to figure out how to do all this again :D

At that point I think my head was still filled with fanfiction stuff so the comic also is full of (hurt/comfort) drama - and a long-ass “backstory”. You can see that from this on I have moved to more humorous stories. Sometimes I draw occassional fluffy comics when I’m really on that weird mood (usually 1-2 days/month thanks to the uterus and hormones), but my main focus is on the humour and I wish to make people laugh.

But that’s about it. I think I have now posted everything here, the newer ones I have posted here after drawing them since 2019 but this post is the “missing link” between those old old comics and the newer stuff :D Then I of course have all the other traditional art like potraits and such I did in 2009-2012 which I have never shown here. Maybe I should post those too?

[actualalienfauna]

I have an appointment with my gynecologist later today and OH MAN I’m nervous but also looking forward to it.

I’ve only mentioned it a few times because up until about a month ago, my mental health impacted my life more than my physical health, but I have endometriosis and adenomyosis. I’m on two separate types of birth control, IUD and the pill, to help with the pain by regulating my hormones and to prevent me from having periods because menstruation promotes the growth of abnormal tissue. Despite this, my pain levels have been increasing steadily since June, to the point that the “suck it up” attitude instilled in me by my father is reeeeeally being tested.

Up until about November, I was dealing with a constant crampy type of pain and about one flare up of intense pain a day. I’d say the old baseline was a 3 and a flare up would be a 6. Now, my baseline is just below what I used to see as a flare up, and the actual flare ups....indescribable. There are four distinct types of pain that I experience most often during a flare up (idk if that’s even the right term to use but here I am throwing it around because I can’t think of a better term) Classic sharp stabby pain, period cramp dialed up to 11, a pins and needles sensation but more stabby, and one that I can only describe as barbed wire being pulled tight around my uterus, but instead of barbs there are knives.

I am so, so proud of my pain tolerance. It’s truly legendary, and I am a sight to behold at BDSM parties. So basically being in so much pain that my legs give out is incredibly frightening to me. Pretty much everyone in my life knows that, if I’m crying because I’m in pain, it means it’s completely unbearable. And shit, man. I’ve cried every day for a month because of this.

I have an unrealistic standard for myself in which I see showing pain as being weak. My brain likes to tell me that I can’t let anyone know I’m in pain because they WILL think less of me for it. I don’t see it that way for literally anyone else, just me. Idk my brain is all fucked up. But because of this, I’m dealing with some mental battles involving not being able to just hide it like I’m used to. Arnold has been trying to tell me I’m a terrible person for showing it and I’m having a harder than usual time getting him to shut the fuck up. I’ve obviously been dealing with mental illness for a long time, and I’m gaining the upper hand over it, but this is causing some issues I’ve never dealt with before. Knowing that this is chronic, and will only be completely resolved with a hysterectomy, sucks. I don’t want to spend the next however many years being in this much pain, and I don’t really know how to combat the effect this has on my mental health. I’m trying to figure it out, but I’m at a loss right now. If anyone has tips they’re willing to share about how to deal with emotions surrounding chronic pain, I’d appreciate it.

But ANYWAY, because my pain is getting worse, this appointment is going to be really important. I’ll be discussing my options moving forward, and I’m happy about that. Any relief is welcomed, even if that means needing surgery.

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

Or the beginning of chapter 5 of Thus, Always (Downey talking with guild teachers)

The guild teacher meeting is going slowly with most discussions focusing on how to encourage thirteen year olds to practice basic hygiene, especially after their physical practicum class.

‘Just chuck deodorant at them,’ Downey suggests. ‘That’s what I do. I explain puberty to them then tell them they all smell foul and chuck free deodorant at them.’

Mericet, Guild Under Master, makes a less than impressed facial expression at Downey. Downey grins at him. He says that no one has complained yet but as soon as a single parent raises an overly inbred eyebrow he’ll stop.

‘You haven’t changed since you were a lad,’ Mericet sighs. Mericet sighs more than speaks. He is a man who lives through sighing. ‘Still throwing things at unsuspecting people who have done nothing to deserve it.’

‘I have poison theory with twenty thirteen year olds at two in the afternoon after physical education and you’re telling me they don’t deserve it?’

‘It’s worse in the winter,’ Lady T’Malia says. ‘We can’t open the windows unless we want to freeze.’

‘I do.’ Downey says. T’Malia rolls her eyes. ‘I tell them it’s character building.’

T’Malia leans forward and pushes a paper towards Downey. ‘This is an action plan for addressing student hygiene after phys-ed. I drafted it up last night and if nothing else, it will hold us over for the interim when term begins in September. The city doesn’t cool down until late November the earliest.’

Downey takes up the paper and he and Mericet give it a read over. Mericet nods in approval and Downey agrees that it seems like the best option for the moment. Next item on the agenda, parents concerned about health education.

Downey rubs the bridge of his nose, ‘this has been an ongoing issue ever since we opened the guild to girls. Parents become precious about biology when girls are suddenly involved.’

Mericet leans over to his briefcase and pulls out a stack of papers. ‘These are letters we have received complaining that sex education is being taught, that students are learning about their basic biology, and that we are opening their minds to depraved practiced.’

T’Malia in an aside to Madame Da Balourd, ‘assassination isn’t depraved but telling kids to be smart when having sex is?’

Ignoring her stage whisper Downey takes the stack of letters from Mericet and pulls one up at random to read over. ‘Here is an example,’ he says. ‘Dear Lord Downey and Mr. Mericet, the usual opening, ah here, “it has come to our attention that students are being taught biology in first year. Eleven is too young and impressionable to be learning about their bodies and may lead to depraved and animalistic thoughts”.’ Downey waits until the incredulous laughs subside. ‘Trust me, I cannot make this up. This concerned parent continues, “If students must learn about how their bodies work at such an impressionable age I demand that they be separated. Boys have no reason to learn about how those things work with girls.” I can only assume the parent means uterus, ovaries and menstruation. “And girls do not need to know about those things with boys. Neither should be concerned about the other and I demand you make such changes or desist in teaching biology to young students all together”.’

Madame Da Balourd interjects, ‘the parent is aware we’re not teaching sex-ed to eleven year olds right? Just basic outline of how different bodies work.’

Ah, a scene I would rewrite. There are many of those. A) for consistency with later pieces in this world and B) Aspects don’t feel Accurate/in character. 

I wrote this around the time Doug Ford (Dofo) was announcing the changes to the Ontario sex-ed curriculum and so i loosely based the Assassins Guild’s sex-ed off of the curriculum Dofo wished to replace because he felt it was immoral or something. Fuck Dofo. 

It also reflects my experience in teaching where 12 and 13 year olds have not learned basic hygiene and my god do classrooms smell after PE. It’s because they’re in the middle of puberty and there are hormones everywhere and sweat glands are like HELLO HAVE ADULT SMELLS but turned up to 11. 

[creepyteddiebear]

help a dude out and listen to me rant.

okay so

i waited a few days because this topic pisses me off so severely but eh, lets go for it

so, a while back, i went to my GP and asked if i could be referred to the tavistock or another gender clinic to see if i could get the ball rolling for my transition. They agreed and i went home that day under the impression i was now referred and was on a waiting list of some sort.

cut to a few months later, i still havent heard fuck all and my mental health is going ape shit so i go back to the doctors again to ask to see a psychiatric team and as i was still a minor (17) at the time, i was told i could but it would have to be under CAHMs (Child and Adolesent Mental Health Services). While at that appointment, i asked about my referral and if there had been any news. I was told they had never made a referral and wanted me to change my name before they referred me because it would “make things easier”

I was furious but whatever, i thought their point was good (it wasnt) and that i should get my name changed legally. Cut to me starting to save up for my name change.

I save up, print the forms and stuff i need and them promptly find out i need a lawyer to sign my papers for it to be legitimate. the name change is put on pause because i cannot afford a lawyer and i chill out a bit and get on with college for a while, changin my name where i can with my self made deed poll and ignoring the rest of it for now.

cut to november ish 2018, im still 17 at this point and my appointment with CAMHs finally rolls around. in that meeting i explain im transgender female to male and that my gp lied about referring me. the psychiatric doctor i was seeing was rather miffed about this an said “we can do that referral if you would like? it will come to effect when you turn 18 and then you will be on their waiting list.” this makes me ecstatic and i agree, again, being given the impression I have Been Referred.

and now, cut to tuesday this week (23rd april), i have a meeting with my local sexual health team who are helping me with my now crippling dysphoria and anxiety around gender. i mention ive been “referred” twice but havent actually heard anything from the supposed second so my counsellor suggests we call the tavistock and find out for good if they ever got a referral.

they never got a referral. that ball was never set into motion, and the reason im as severely depressed as i am now is because my transition is at a complete standstill because i cant afford to do anything. I was relying on the nhs to help me transition because under the nhs, surgery and hormones are free (barring the prescription tax). i cannot afford to go private, i cannot afford hormones and i would certainly not be able to afford the top surgery i want.

i dont like the nhs and would rather pay for it all on my own. but i cant because my family is low income and we barely have enough to keep everything in my house running as it is.

if you would like to help me with either my name change or my possible private route since the nhs refuses to listen to me, im gonna link my commissions, etsy, paypal and ko-fi down below. if you donate to my ko-fi i will draw you a simple sketch or icon or anything you would like and if you commission me, obviously you get the art you would like.

thanks,,

ko-fi commissions paypal etsy

sorry for the massive read i just u g h

[zoediak]

iud experience

*tmi probably but could be relatively useful to someone. I'm not a medical professional so just like most things on the internet, take what I say with a grain of salt. everyones experiences are different*

so I almost never post on here but I didnt see an experience similar to mine after a lot of research so I thought I would put in my two cents about the iud.

I got the mirena, one of the hormonal options, because I was hoping to lessen my period amongst other hopeful hormonal benefits if any. I went to my local planned parenthood (my favorite place), chatted with the nurses before and had a typical insertion (cramp, cramp, fucking ouch, done!). now I was expecting a few weeks or more of true discomfort, bleeding, the typical body-adjusting. but oof...things got rough.

I got the IUD inserted on November 12th and had heavy bleeding and debilitating cramping until December 11th. technically I never 100% stopped bleeding either. I'd have one clean day here and there, but many days were filled with spotting then another 2 week "period".

the sexual freedom was amazing, not having to stress for your next period to make sure you protected yourself correctly? hell yea! however it's not hell yea if you know you're going to bleed for a week after sex..trust me I know..it happened every time

now it's going to get gross. be warned.

as many owners know the vagina is a delicate creature. if the biome(?) is thrown off even a little bit you get infections and horrible smells and it's just all around not fun and sadly some of us are more sensitive than others. I am one of those people. so one round of BV (bacterial vaginosis) sounded relatively normal, just the body being confused and adjusting to some piece of plastic being shoved into it. however it wasnt just one round, it became almost chronic. constant discomfort, itching, worrying I smell gross just eck.

throughout the short experience I had many bouts of random pelvic pain, general cramping, stabbing pain from what I believe were ovarian cysts, acne, heightened food sensitivity, so I had finally decided I've had enough.

so after a conversation with my boyfriend I decided to have it removed. funny enough I was more nervous about getting it taken out than getting it put in. it was pretty simple though, I was given ibuprofen since I forgot to take some before, a plan b pill just in case we had sex within the 5 days prior (because you can immediately get pregnant after removal), she asked if I was ready then yeeted that thing out of my body. I wont lie, that hurt too. they gave me crackers and more water because I was lightheaded after. luckily they let my boyfriend be in the room with me so he helped me pick up my belongings off the floor 😂

it is currently day 2 after having it removed and I've had nothing more than a mild cramping, spotting and just random I assume "readjustment" pains. but I feel oh so much better! I didnt realise how not-myself I felt until I had it removed. I still have a bit to go healing wise but hopefully it all goes smooth.

I'm currently not on any other birth control while my body readjusts but I am planning on trying another option.

when it comes to your body you have the right to make your own decisions. do your research, talk to doctors or nurses, get as much information and find the right option for you.

*edit small update*

its been almost a week after having it removed and I feel so much better! my hormones are still out of whack a bit but I was immediately able to tell a difference in my health. the gross symptoms of BV were gone in less than a day (yes I still took medications just in case) but it's amazing how something so small can effect your body so much. Listen to your body!

[ratbastardgerard]

feel free to not answer this, but why did u decide to come out? and how did u come out? as trans i mean. im debating on whether or not i should come out and i dont really? know how to? so yeah !! anyways have a wonderful day!!

hi!! so with me, i came out because i was just?? really tired of trying to pretend i was a girl. i knew who i was, and it was just so mentally taxing for me to act like i was happy presenting as female. 

so i came out to my friends first!! i invited them over and we had a little party together and even though my hair wasn’t cut or anything at that point, i had been binding on and off for awhile. they were all very understanding and it gave me the courage to try and come out to my family.

rest is under the cut (tw for transphobia and mental stuff) 

AND THAT SUCKED. whooo boy. so i came out to my mom first after cutting my hair. i asked her to buy me boy clothes and she said no, and left it at that for a few days. then we were in her car driving home from somewhere, and she just unloaded on me, screaming and saying that i could never be a boy, that she already had a son and that what i was going through was just a phase. 

i came out to my dad next, but only?? kinda?? i started binding every day and he noticed and basically asked me if i was a lesbian (smh) and i was like no dad, but i love my short hair and i only want to wear boy clothes and so he could one up my mom, he told me that he’d love me no matter what and all that but i never actually told him that i was trans?? anyways he tried to take custody of me from my mom and my mom finally bought me masculine clothes so that i wouldn’t want to live with my dad. i didn’t really want to live with either of them, but i was going to take whatever i could get out of this situation. 

i was starting at a different school in my district that year so most people didn’t know me and i passed as male up until a teacher used my birth name or i started gym. by november of 2013, i felt like i really couldn’t take it anymore, and i went to the school’s guidance department and came out to my counselor. even though i was the first trans student my school had ever had, they were so incredible about everything. my counselor immediately did research into changing my name on the roster, informed my teachers and within a few weeks i didn’t have to change in the locker room anymore, i was signing my papers as hayden, and they gave me a pass to the nurse’s so i wouldn’t have to use either of the bathrooms if i didn’t feel comfortable with it. 

i ended up fully coming out to my dad in december of 2013 because my teacher used the name hayden and one of my cousins at school with me (who i can’t stand) went home and told his parents, who in turn gossiped to the whole family. my mom was absolutely livid, and i think that’s the first time i ever was really scared of her. my dad ended up finding out through the gossip, and was really accepting at first. he preached that he would never turn away from me and that he would try his best to understand. he was fine with everything until i turned 15, and i asked him to help me get hormones. he totally drew the line there, and i realized that i had been blocking out all of the bad things he said bc i really just craved attention from at least one parent lmao.

anyways, i kept living my life and in october 2014, i came out to all my extended family via facebook, and i did it on my mom’s birthday as a fuck you for making me hurt so much.

my coming out experience really was a mixed bag.  while i was much happier after coming out, there were so many bad days mixed in with the good ones. my mental health got very very bad and i was almost hospitalized in 2015. even with the wonderful friends and adults in my life supporting me, i came close to not seeing 16. that’s another story, but i eventually had almost an awakening?  realized that not everyone would always love and accept me, and that if i wanted to feel better, i needed to start loving myself.

 in no way am i trying to discourage you from coming out. everyone’s families are different, and if your family has shown to be more accepting, then i say go for it!! hell, even if your family is like mine, i still say go for it. there’s been huge strides in resources for trans kids since i came out, and i think that it would be easier to find the help that you might need if you’re ever feeling alone like i did during the beginning of my transition. 

coming out should always be about your health and your happiness. don’t just come out because you think you should, or because someone is pressuring you to. if you won’t be safe at home, then it’s a sad reality that you might not be able to come out. but that doesn’t have to prevent you from beginning your transition  in your head and your heart. there’s no 5 step program on how to successfully come out. sometimes, you’ll be half stuck in the closet, sometimes you get shoved back in. i had imagined so many interactions about coming out going differently from how they did, but i like to think that they were just learning experiences for me. whether your come out now or later, just remember to do what makes you happy. with time, you’ll find confidence and self acceptance that i think a lot of people lack when they first begin their transition.

i love you so much anon, and i wish you the absolute best!!! if you ever need someone to talk to i am always here, and feel free to come off anon if you need more personal stuff answered. i love being able to help anyway that i can

[losing-slowly]

Update... as if anyone is reading this or cares lol

So um... been doing ok I guess on weight loss. I've been losing weight consistently though not steadily since last Monday so I'm now down to 152.4lbs since before getting ready for bed.

That being said, the solution is part of the problem and it's making me sicker than I already am. This time, it's not mental which I can sorta handle- I'm nauseous all the fucking time.

As of last Monday, I FINALLY have both of my medications that have been difficult to get a hold of since November. One of them is a focus medication for my ADHD- it helps my depression and energy levels as well so if I take it when I get up, five minutes later when it kicks in I'm ready to tug my shoes on for my daily 3 hour walk.

The other one is the big issue. I have minuscule cysts on my ovaries which cause hormonal imbalance. Because of this, I've been taking this shitty pill twice a day. You HAVE to eat when you take it and even though I have been, I still feel like absolute shite. I feel guilty for eating even though it's a necessity and I'm still losing weight, I'm nauseous thanks to the meds, I'm uncomfortably warm because of the sudden metabolism boost, I'm starving and yet have no appetite, and more than that, my energy level is gone because I feel physically inebriated.

It's madness! I forgot how upsetting it is to be on this bloody pill but I know that once it's really started doing it's job again, I'm gonna feel great. I just wish I could fight off the munchies with a cigarette. Sadly my tanks won't be here until Thursday- when I'm going to make an attempt at finishing off the rest of my piercings... by my self... while hungry, sick, and scared out of my mind.

Cheers, mental health!

*finds the biggest bottle of jack and drinks it neat before crying behind the bleachers for the next four hours*

[misszarves]

timeline of my spiral for anyone who wants to laugh react

july 2019: hit a wall with sleep deprivation, anemia, gut problems and probably plain burnout, started having conflicts with my boss especially around my lateness (our workday started at 5:00 AM, he refused to simply write me up or suspend me but instead wanted to “talk about it” and this became extremely intrusive and uncomfortable fast)

also july: had my first encounter with an animal in a sticky trap, outside my apartment, a bird who I was able to rescue

also july: quit that job, went back to the golf course to bartend a couple of days a week

august: moved back in with my parents as a result of my changed employment situation

late august: read that shockingly graphic article in the NYT about child porn that some of you may remember (do I need to put a trigger warning or can y’all use common sense and refrain from looking it up). sharp spike in anxiety, making it worse than it had been in six or seven years

september: picked up more hours at the golf course, was able to make some investments in myself -- a new sewing machine and some singing lessons. had my two-year cake. 

mid-october: found out I was pregnant. on a friday (K, not J, was the father -- some people do ask). made the quick decision to have an abortion but was unable to get in touch with any abortion provider until the middle of the following week (due to phone/email tag, etc), giving me enough time to start Feeling Things about the pregnancy

november: continuing to live with my parents and work full-time as a bartender, succumbed to angst and anxiety as expected -- but family, friends and coworkers with the glaring exception of my mom (who still pretends she didn’t even know I was pregnant, lol) were very supportive. for a brief period, we settled on keeping the baby, and told my dad and picked godparents. when I changed my mind again, my boyfriend was devastated. that pretty much hasn’t changed

late november: in a last-ditch attempt to fend off the crushing dread, I took a trip north to see a friend and her husband (to be clear, I would have visited them anyway lmfao). it helped a little. on the way back, I stopped to see some of my mother’s cousins, who tried to rope me into a pyramid scheme.

november 28: abortion day! my aunt took me to the clinic and then out for burgers. while we were eating, one of the cooks, who my aunt knew, fell off a ladder and onto his back.

first two weeks following the abortion: the normal feel-like-shit-no-matter-how-secure-you-were-in-your-decision period

dec 3: relapsed! 

dec 3 onwards: since the relapse went on for about three months, I can’t nail down when that “two week” period actually ended. pregnancy hormones resulted in waves of anger and teariness, but no satisfying “mourning”. I drank more heavily than I ever did before, routinely got shitfaced or even blacked out while on shift. I told people about the relapse, but the actual inebriation mostly went unnoticed.

christmas eve: after convincing J to come spend christmas with my family, got drunk again, we got in some sort of argument. I don’t remember.

christmas morning: J left as soon as possible.

the blurry period between christmas and mid-January 2020: 

more drinking at work, and a peak in the mouse and rat problem my workplace had been managing badly for several months. saw and heard three tiny, dying, bloody mice on two separate sticky traps (two different days). on a slow ~pasta night~, knocked back a couple of drinks so I could ask one of the cooks at the pasta buffet to leave his post and euthanize the second and third mouse. which he did as humanely as possible -- with a shovel. at this point I wrote a letter to my GM telling him how unacceptable it was to make his hormonal, post-abortive employees deal with sentient animals in their dying agonies, and could he please come up with a different pseudo-solution. about a week later, he came up to me and, with great diplomacy and tact, told me to shove it up my ass.

powdered bait laced with rat poison was placed on the floor in and around the bar and kitchen. I called the health inspector, who brought the hammer down on both the poison and the sticky traps. the poison was cleaned up (part of that job went to yours truly, with no protection) as were some but not all of the sticky traps

I developed a small crush on a long-time coworker (cook #1) who began behaving in what I assumed was meant to be a flirtatious way (eye-fucking, going out of his way to talk to me in a way he hadn’t before, etc). this included some pointed questions about my mental health (the abortion and the relapse were public information at this point). bizarrely, he refused to tell me anything personal about himself. he started dating one of the banquet girls. he eventually told a mutual friend (cook #2, and our shovel-killer from above) that he “got [a] vibe” that I “wanted to fuck” but (as cook #2 gleefully reported to me) made a face and expressed disgust at the possibility of ever being involved with me in that way. (WHY ASK ME ABOUT MY FUCKING ABORTION THEN, YOU WEIRDO)

cook #2 started trying to fuck me. I did not reciprocate. he then told me he thought I was a “six” and that he wasn’t interested. a few weeks later he tried to fuck me again

early january 2020: got both a yeast infection and bacterial vaginal infection

january 6: J had a grand mal seizure on my kitchen floor. I had never seen a seizure and the tremors were so severe that my dad, who had seen many, thought he may also have been having a stroke (turned out, just a seizure). he was hospitalized overnight and kicked to the curb -- but the process was begun to get him back into rehab

january 7 (?): employee gift exchange at work. I was on shift and wasn’t participating, but there weren’t a lot of customers and my coworkers asked me to come join them. there were five-gallon buckets of old sangria to which we were given unlimited access (and remember that I was the bartender, so I took the trips to the fridge and back). I blacked out. cook #2 called my mother and I vaguely recall getting in her van.

the days following that “party”: cook #2 and several other coworkers told me I “didn’t seem that drunk,” ie was not a horrible embarrassment. however, cook #2 told me that I’d made out with him. then I started to hear rumours that I and a third cook (cook #3) had disappeared for half an hour to “go have sex”. let me be graphic for a moment: I was wearing a panty-liner that night because the spotting from the abortion hadn’t stopped, I had a yeast infection, and I hadn’t trimmed my pubic hair in about a month -- no matter how drunk I was, I cannot see myself agreeing to take my pants off around a random coworker. someone told me that I had a cheeseburger in my hand when we disappeared and was still eating it when she saw me again so she doesn’t think anything happened -- but I was suspiciously sore the next day. was it the yeast infection or was I sexually assaulted? I don’t know because I was blacked out and I never asked cook #3

january 10: actual staff holiday party. cook #3 introduced me to his long-time girlfriend. we all smiled and shook hands.

mid-january: mac miller’s circles album dropped. I decided I wanted to live. I continued to drink until the end of february, but stayed sober for much longer periods between much shorter binges

late january: I put in my two-weeks’ notice at the golf course and borrow some money from my dad. stinky came to live with us.

february 1: k, stinky and me moved into a small house my parents’ church is renting

most of february: fighting, gossiping, and faction-forming in my AA homegroup, culminated in a member being expelled and a series of “group conscience” meetings which involved yelling, fighting and crying. a relatively new arrival to our group (but a longtimer in the program) started to power-grab, which wouldn’t have fazed me except that she started openly singling me out as a “newcomer” whose vote did not count. this despite other members relapsing in the same period I did, and said power-grabber having been in attendance at my fucking cake five months previous. things got awkward.

mid-february: J went back to rehab

also mid-february: I got pulled over driving drunk in washington state. ironically, the confidence and ease I got from the alcohol kept me from being rude and short with the officer as I usually am, and he told me in a very friendly way that the speed limit would increase by 10 mph a little further down the highway, so perhaps I was confused, and I should take care out there. no ticket. a sign from god?

also mid-february: I got formally assessed for ADHD and tried ritalin for the first time. this did not end up working out.

mid-february: I was invited to dinner by the much older man who does the irrigation on the golf course, through one of the gardeners, a woman a few years younger than me with an established father-daughter type relationship with the irrigation guy. the three of us ate dinner at his house, and she proceeded to pass out from drinking too much. irrigation guy took the opportunity to feel me up.

end of february: I took my last drink and decided to start applying for jobs

also end of february: my ADHD symptoms as well as my anxiety began to spike, throwing a wrench in my resume-writing and hand-shaking plans

march: something else threw a wrench in my hand-shaking plans, as it did with all of yours. it goes without saying that I have been terribly anxious. the upside is that I know for certain that the abortion was the right idea.

also march: I switched to vyvanse and began to see better results.

mid-march, at the very beginning of shut-downs where I live: I see irrigation guy again and he takes the opportunity to pat my ass. 

end of march: J relapsed in rehab, was discharged and will see at least a ninety-day delay in his plan to complete the program and then get into secondary housing. he was briefly hospitalized, during which time the doctors did so little for him that he would have literally been just as well off in a drunk tank. service canada lost some of his paperwork so he still doesn’t have his medical EI money.

yesterday: J moved into my shed. he spoke to his counsellor, who will try to get him into a recovery house. I am confident that some things, particularly his EI money, will work out very soon. but whatever happens I have felt a reduction in the second-hand stress. as I said, and now he agrees: it’s a pretty nice shed.

[dinosaurdragon]

for those of you who read twots

i feel the need to give an update on my status/explanation for my extended hiatus

unfortunately, no, my hiatus is not yet done (goddamn wish it were though)

the tl;dr: trying to get my RL shit together, but the government and my job are making it more difficult than necessary

more under the cut.

the deets: basically, i’m busy af. and when i’m not busy, i’m tired af. i have not had enough time, energy, and willpower simultaneously to write the way twots and you deserve, but i’m unwilling to put out subpar writing atm, especially since i’ve already made you wait so long. it’d feel damn shitty to make you wait only to hand out the writing equivalent of stale, moldy bread, okay. i’m gonna get this done, i’m gonna write it well, but it’s just taking.... a lot. i haven’t even finished a single chapter since going on hiatus, and it’s not for lack of trying.

additionally, in case i’ve received any comments .... basically since november, i want to apologize for not replying, because i’ve been avoiding my ao3 page the whole time. it, um, kind of makes me feel guilty that i can’t write. sorry. i might check soon, if i think i can handle it.

the reasons, in bullet points, are more or less as follows:

i’m trans. i started hormone therapy in october, applied for a legal name change in november, and have been running around to collect everything i need to get a passport with the right gender marker, but shit takes time. i’ve got the name change, at least.

i’m also working on getting top surgery. i’ve met with a surgeon and gathered everything to send to insurance, so now i’m waiting on that. it might not happen until early april or later, even though i was really hoping for early march. hopefully, i can write more while recovering, since i’ll be incapable of working.

speaking of which: work. holy fuck. i’m a stocker at target. specifically, i work grocery. leading up into the holidays (thanksgiving and christmas), we were SLAMMED over in grocery. i was working more than i have in my life, and it’s a very physically demanding job, so there were days that i’d come home and pass out until my alarm went off to go to work again.

ive never been very athletic. a lot of average days still leave me physically exhausted.

you’d think that since the holidays are LONG over we’d be fine, except literally 2/3 of our team has either been moved or quit, so we’re still working a fuckton to make up for that.

not a big deal to a lot of people, because there are many less fortunate than i who work more, but i’ve not had a vacation since starting this job back in june. this is the longest of consecutive anything i’ve ever done, so it’s--i’m trying to deal with it, but it’s exhausting me.

on top of THAT, i’m intending to move to japan to teach english. like, as soon as i’ve healed enough for air travel after top surgery. seriously. i still need to do a WHOLE LOT of preparation for this, as i’m sure you can imagine.

this includes basically saving up for & purchasing nearly an entire new wardrobe, because i have no appropriate attire in the first place, let alone appropriate male attire.

this ALSO ties in to the whole passport issue. i’m trying to make my life easier by having that passport when i go so i don’t have to deal with (too many) questions about being trans, and whether it makes me unqualified to teach. [thankfully, i do have a passport. i just need to update the gender and name on it, but both of those require other documents.]

i also have anxiety. so dealing with working retail and trying to get all the stuff i need for the various pieces of my transition plus preparing to literally move out of the country is... kind of all i can handle right now, emotionally and mentally.

i love twots. i do. i am dedicated to writing and finishing it. but it does take a lot of emotional and mental energy, especially since it’s written from first person POV of an anxious busybody. i simply don’t have enough to spare right now for consistent, frequent updates.

(minor reminder that vir’era is, in fact, a self-insert at his core.)

i AM on medication, which is... honestly, it’s probably the ONLY reason i’ve managed to get even nearly as much done as i have, especially in terms of being able to go to work the vast majority of days i’ve been scheduled.

as if all that wasn’t enough, my mom is switching jobs, my sister’s abroad (and has run into some minor troubles), and my dad has had health issues. since none of those are directly related to me, and out of respect for their privacy, i won’t go into detail, but all of it does have an impact on my energy levels, thus the mention.

i’m sorry if this came off aggressively or like i’m being an entitled whiny baby or whatever. i thought it was prudent to give some kind of update on... everything. i’ll try to get a proper chapter up at some point and link to this or another, better-organized update. if we manage to get at least one more person on grocery team at my target, maybe i’ll start having enough consistent free time & energy to write again.

until then, i’ll be floating around on tumblr. feel free to message me, if you want to know more, or if you just want to talk, be it about dragon age or twots or what kind of ice cream you like best.

[toxicated-sadness]

I wanted to talk about this for a while

So as you guys might know,i have eating disorder and it has been on and off forever.

Since early september till the mid november i lost a lot of weight,fasted like a beast,trained like an victorias secret angel,but suddenly i got hormonal disbalance and everything changed suddenly.I almost bled for a month straight and when i say bled i mean fucking bleeding non stop,not being able to move at all.I ended up fucking up my health if you didn’t figure out yet.I decided to recover i ate pretty normally and took a lot of meds(obviously😒).And when i say i ate normally don’t mistake me with a pathetic anorexic girl who says she eats normally and literally eats like 100 calories a week.I ate surely 2000 calories a day without any problem.But all the time i was so constipated because of all the meds and probably because i fucked up my metabolism back in october.Since that time (recovery) i have gained a lot of weight like shit ton,i was about 57 in mid october now i am 64-66 almost

+10kgs.I started panicking but my mom would always say that it was all because of hormonal dysfunction and hormonal pills that i was taking,which is true,i don’t deny that fact.

But the thing is now that i look like fat blob i feel absolutely horrible when i eat,like i try to hide the fact that i even ate.I always cover up the plates that i ate from,or i always try to cover up the leftovers of foods in the trashcan that i ate.I absolutely feel disgusting,hopeless and fat...I really know i shouldn’t diet but i can’t continue feeling like this it’s like eating 500 cals without a problem and suddenly feeling an urge to fast for 17 hours and doing so.

It is really really messed up,i don’t know what do guys please help me 💔