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paix-trop-moignon · 2 years

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Every Kaeloo Season 1 Episodes RANKED

Disclaimer: I am so terribly sorry that I put this out so late than I intended. Outside stuff is making things busy for me and in turn had made projects like this overdue. I won't make a complete schedule for the other rankings as a result, so make sure to check back to the blog for any updates on the next one.

Also, if you wish to rank episodes of Season 1, I have a link here to form your own tier list, but only if you have watched the season in it's entirety. I will mention how to watch the show during the beginning of my review, so look out for that. But until then:

Season 1 Tier List (made by me!): https://tiermaker.com/create/kaeloo-season-1-episode-tier-list-15328649

What if you have The Backyardigans, with the slapstick of Ed Edd n Eddy and Tex Avery cartoons. The zany comedy of Spongebob. And the social satire of South Park and Gumball.

Combined with an art and animation style of Rayman and…Fanboy and Chum Chum…?

That is what I would describe Kaeloo!

The 2010 CG French cartoon by Remi Chapotot and Jean-François Henry, that was formed from a pilot short back in 2007.

I discovered this wonderful, wacky, sometimes weird show from TV Tropes back in 2017, and then 5 years later in December 2021, I immediately became obsessed with it. That same year, I was obsessed with Rise of the TMNT since April and would not stop getting hyped up until I calmed down months later. And then the cycle continued with Kaeloo, and now here we are lmao.

I have been wanting to do something to commemorate this series for a while, until I decided on an idea. To celebrate Season 5 coming perhaps this year, maybe? I came up with a plan to form my thoughts on each season by ranking their respective episodes from worst to best. I will do a little season overview to lay out the quality of how they handle the characters, writing, and animation. And then the episode rankings will be where I will sum up my thoughts.

Now I have done this episode ranking format before. Back in 2020, I posted a Mao Mao Season 1 ranking on my respective Mao Mao fanblog. It’s still decent, but the problem was that, aside from my favorite episodes, the other tiers have the episodes ranked by episode airdate order rather than personal taste. And that I could have laid out my reasons as to why they were in the tiers I placed them. One day, when I get back into Mao Mao, I will properly fix that tier list.

But back to Kaeloo, this is going to be the most fun and most exhausting ranking series I ever have to do. The fun part is rewatching every single episode again, almost like a sense of nostalgia from watching them the first time. But the exhausting part is getting through the episodes that were just plain boring or drive me up the wall.

Regardless, I know that despite the hardships that will appear, this will still be the most interesting project I will ever do.

IMPORTANT NOTE: this ranking/review will contain some spoilers, so please read this if you have watched Season 1 and all of Kaeloo in its entirety. You can watch the show available on Canal Plus to support the series legally. Make sure that your VPN is strong enough to access, because if not, I recommend getting a stronger one. For Season 1, the English Dub is available on Dailymotion along with the original French Dub being fansubbed by fellow Kaeloo fan, RandomnessUnlimited. However, as of writing this, there’s only 15 episodes posted so far. So it’s either sticking to the original or English Dub. If you stick to the English Dub, prepare for your ears and your soul to shrivel up the moment you hear some obxnoxious, annoying voices. But if you can stomach that kind of torture, then you’re all set!

So of course, we are starting with Season 1! But first, a little overview:

Quick Skim

Kaeloo Season 1 was interesting to say the least. If you have been into a long-running show, and go back into the first season, you’ll notice how many changes that happened from the past to the present. Season 1 is sort of like this. Like the characters and plot have still stayed as the show moved on, but the format and writing style had changed.

This season goes for a more formulaic plot, like shows like Phineas and Ferb. Where Kae wants to play a game, Cat doesn’t wanna play a game but changes his mind to cheat and beat up Quack-Quack, Stumpy tries to win but fails, Cat beats up Quack, Kae turns into Bad Kaeloo and beats him up, and then epilogue.

Boom, rinse and repeat!

That may get kind of tiresome, but thankfully, they do manage to work around the formula and have a couple of episodes play out differently while keeping the main plot around.

The setup for this season and the show in general is just neat. Kaeloo is basically a parody of one of those preschool shows you’ve seen as a kid, think of Dora the Explorer and The Backyardigans. Where “the cast are best friends, explore new worlds, and learn morals along the way, and have fun uwu~!”. Kaeloo slaps that in the face and warps that concept with a twisted edge to it.

Instead, the main cast, while friends, would sometimes bite each other in the back and throw each other off with insults or violence. There’s a character who gets whacked with a mallet to being blown to bits with a goddamn bazooka. And it has some absurd adult jokes and actual—mind you—actual swearing that would make your eyes wide hard. And I love it! I understand that those examples, along with the mean-spirited tone might not be everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s understandable. But I, like other people, truly appreciate Kaeloo for what it is. Being a rather morbid show joking off shows like Dora, that also doubles as a goofy slapstick comedy.

I see the humor of the show divided into 5 core elements. Its character driven, with some black comedy, surrealism, social commentary, and slapstick. These are what makes the comedy of Kaeloo so great. Of course not every joke hits, but the ones that do truly hit. It mostly works off of the characters and how they would act around the situation they’re in. There’s a saying that when you make such interesting characters, you can put them into any scenario and it would just work. And thankfully that applies to the cast of Kaeloo, specifically the main four. Speaking of which…

In this season, there’s no other characters, no talking sheep, no talking objects! Just four wacky characters, living in an equally wacky world.

Kaeloo, Stumpy, Quack-Quack, and Mr. Cat are an all-around neat set of characters. If you were to watch any episode from this season alone, you’d pretty much get the gist of them. They all bring their cards out to the table about who they are, what they’re like, and how they play off against each other. Most of the time in the wrong ways (looking at you, Cat). Now this season doesn’t have any strong character development. There are bits of backstory revelations involving characters like Cat and Quack for example, but that’s about it. And that’s perfectly fine, as while I do dig that a ton, I don’t mind it when the story gives that a back seat and let’s the characters just vibe in their own way.

For my opinions of the quadruple this season? Hmm… I don’t want to make this section too long since the ranking will be longer and I will continue to share my thoughts on them during that time. So I’ll try and keep this brief!

Kae and Quack are both okay. For being the title character, Kaeloo’s not so bad. I like how even when she seems to be generally nice, there are moments where her faults come to light, mostly comes from her bring bossy to the buddies. She has a few shining moments here, a handful of which are great, and I’ll discuss them when we get to it! But overall, especially from rewatch, it wasn’t enough to make me fully invest in her. I do prefer how she is handled in the later seasons, where despite her being more irritating at times, I love how there’s some moments where she tries to improve herself. But here, she’s decent, but not my favorite. The same can be said for Quack-Quack, providing some funny visual gags with the way his body functions, his obsession with yogurt, and being just a straight-up god in general. He’s a bit better than Kae this season but didn’t really leave any major impact on me.

However, on the other hand, Cat and Stumpy carried this season for me! Mr. Cat is just probably one of the best characters in the entire series, can we all just admit it? Well okay, I guess this was a given already. Yes, he’s a complete jerk who’s grumpy and also a sadistic schemer, but I also love him. There’s more to him than just him being “the sadistic bully”, since he’s revealed to be a very intelligent guy and also have rare occurrences of caring for Kae and the buddies. Both of these qualities are expanded on in the later seasons and to great effect that helps his character as well, but that comes way soon. As for Stumps, I also love him. He may be my number two, but he’s still amazing! Stumpy makes me laugh with whatever action he does. Constantly having his bad luck affect his chances of winning a game while constantly raving on for his love for video games and comic books. I relate to this guy somewhat since we share similar hobbies, and that’s one of the reasons why I adore this funky lil’ dude.

As for other stuff, the animation’s pretty good. While it being a CG cartoon during the early 2010s is nothing new, the fact that it emulated squash and stretch into this form was something special. It’s a reason why I said that this show was like Fanboy and Chum Chum at the beginning, since that show and Kaeloo were the early forms of using this sort of animation technique, especially in television. It wasn’t until we had movies like Hotel Translyvania that fully kicked off this trend, and I’m rather happy for that. For Season 1, the animation is still impressive. I did spotted a few errors, but it’s too be expected, and thankfully it’s shown only rarely. There’s some neat character expressions and some surprising action sequences here that still holds up. Of course, the later seasons did improve these two points, but I want to give this season some credit where credit is do.

Oh yeah, and the music’s a banger, Franck Marchal really nailed it. Many of the OSTs in this show are so memorable, a few of them got stuck in my head. Really do hope the series gets an official soundtrack one day.

Alright, so the overview is done! I didn’t want this to be long since the ranking itself will be, so hopefully I will shorten them a bit for the rest of the seasons.

So, let us finally get the ranking over with to determine my complete thoughts on Season 1!

We’re going from “JUST AWFUL” to “JUST AWESOME” rather than going from F-S Tier. I just like it that way. Case you’re wondering, “JUST AWFUL” is where an episode is just so bad, I consider it to be my least favorite. Period. Will not watch ever again. “JUST AWESOME” is of course the episodes that are my absolute favorite and will continue to watch them whenever I can. And the other tiers, Bad, Okay, Good, and Great, are exactly what it says in the tin.

Now that’s settled, let us properly begin! Starting with…

Bad Tier

Okay so thankfully, there’s only two bad episodes in this season, which is good for me at least. They aren’t awful per say, but are still badly written overall. So, with that said, my least favorite episode this season is:

52. Justice Masters

Mr. Cat Gets Relaxation Challenge: impossible

This sucked butt.

Now Cat had done some pretty heinous stuff before, but here, he hadn’t, at all. Okay maybe he did lied about jumping off a cliff to garner sympathy from the quote-on-quote “Justice Masters” but that’s about it. All he wanted was to just relax from all the stress he’d been having, but the Legion of Superdoops decided to make things worse!

Kae and the buddies being these superheroes to keep Mr. Cat relaxed seemed interesting at first, but just became unbearable as the story continued. They finally seem to get the memo and created a beautiful spa to make Cat happy, only for it to fumble hard when it became a freaking death spa on the poor cat. Again, if Cat did something ruthless in this episode, then it would be kind of funny? But he didn’t so, it wasn’t!

I did like the hero references, one or two gags, and Kae’s gratuitous Spanish. But that’s it.

It sucked, moving on.

51. Goodbye Mr. Cat

I too would be like the narrator sobbing over Cat’s farewell…well supposed farewell to be exact.

This episode had a rather interesting concept that would have been so perfect, not only for a sweet emotional payoff, but a nice character moment for Cat!

But however, the biggest problem was the way how it was handled.

The tension of getting Cat to stay wasn’t really there for me. It seemed so from the first part but then it fumbled over by the second half. The twist was creative, I’ll give it that, but it came in too early and was just there to be yet another “Cat gets boo-boos from Badka moment”. Speaking of which, Mr. Cat beating up the buddies after everything they done to try and help him was not great either. I know that he’s a jerk and all, but still. We have seen that he does care for them, but in a subtle way at least.

Honestly, I think Grown Ups and Bye Bye Yogurt handled this similar premise better, especially the former because of the aforementioned detail of Cat showing signs of caring for his friends.

Overall, not an awful episode, but the execution could have been so much more.

Okay that’s it for the bad episodes, and now for the mediocre ones!

Okay Tier

Yeah, there was a surprising amount of mid in this season. The bottom half are the ones that are boring, while the top half are decent at best. So we’re starting with…

50. Peace Man/Peace

This episode started off with Cat smelling his stinky armpits and ends with him getting violated with kisses from Badka…..w-what…?

Yeah, that’s like the only two highlights from this episode that I actually remembered, and not in a good way. This one was just boring. I pretty much have nothing else to say about it, aside from those two moments that are the most cursed of all of Kaeloo!

Oh, and Cat swearing, goated moment.

Overall, just skip it, moving on.

49. Hopscotch

A game of hopscotch and religious symbolism sounds kind of intriguing, but it wasn’t to me at least. It’s boring.

A few jokes were decent, and I liked Quack’s evolution from angel to demon.

That’s all I put in from my notes, it’s just fine.

48. Teachers

Teachers is a little better, but still mid.

It’s just not really that funny, but the character moments were neat. Cat’s odd diagnosis involving Kae and Badka’s internal conflict was weird. I know it was meant for laughs, but I dunno.

Eh, it’s also alright, I guess.

47. Magicians

I thought this episode was boring the first time I watched it, and it’s still boring upon rewatch, wow, surprising!

The suicide scene, for starters, was not great.

Stumpy’s “what doesn’t exist” thing was admittingly funny, but it didn’t go anywhere. Cat’s magician drip was neat, and I liked the dance scene but that’s it.

Just Stumps in denial and magician shenanigans, alright.

46. Circus

Yet another episode that was boring from first time and rewatch, but slightly better.

I like a few of the performances, and the jokes, but yeah, that’s about it.

45. Catch the Mailman

Okay, you know the drill, boring before, boring again. When Cat showed up, things got a little better. I also liked the mailmain strike scene, that got a laugh out of me. I also liked Badka attempted to be funny, that was cute. Either way, it’s a’ight.

44. Ecologists

I thought this ep was super boring when I first watched it, but now? Eh, you know, it’s kinda decent. Some of the jokes, mostly on protecting the environment did made me laugh, and yeah it’s not bad. Still might not go back to watching it, but I’m at least glad I have it another shot!

43. Cops and Robbers

Okay, this one is mid, but kind of high?

I thought the twist of what happened to Quack’s yogurt was confusing at first, but I rewatched the episode again for any clues that made some sense. And alright, it was fine at least, but could have been better. Also Cat using the “serious case” as a means to screw over Quack is kind of odd? Like he wasn’t involved in the crime at all, and instead ended up getting arrested anyway for another crime, bruh.

I will admit, the car chase scene was the highlight, it’s a lot of fun and funny too! Though I find it weird that Stumpy can drive here, and then many episodes later come Driver’s Ed, where he doesn’t know how to drive. Either this ep came after that one for there’s some continuity errors!

Uh, what’s else, what else? Umm, I like Cat’s scream when the banana got shot up his nose, it made me laugh hard due to how ridiculous it was. I dunno, Cat screaming would make me laugh sometimes lmao.

So yeah, my thoughts for this episode are all over the place, so to sum it up, it’s still decent.

42. Golf!

This is one is okay, but I do have an issue with it due to the character inconsistencies. The biggest one being Kae cheating, and Cat being dumb enough to believe her while Stumpy managed to not fall for her lie. Huh? I can kind of see it from a detail of Kaeloo having faults of her own and not liking when she’s wrong when she actually is. I don’t mind if that was the point, but it was still odd to watch.

Aside from a few visual gags and jokes, this one’s still mid.

41. Tennis

Okay this one is a bit of fun. I like how Cat becomes Kae and Stumpy’s coach and then later favoring them as a part of him cheating. I can see why since Quack-Quack’s pretty much a god in this game, and this little detail would be brought up again somewhat in Season 2’s Baseball. The only difference here is that Kaeloo refused to cheat to win. Also, a few visual gags and the slow-motion jokes were funny.

Overall, not bad ep.

40. Figurines

It’s insane how this went from playing with figurines to an incident where you sign a contract from the Devil to gain voodoo powers, amazing. Cat being Quack’s servant from the voodoo fiasco was the highlight, hilarious stuff. Also, Kaeloo making her and Cat’s figurines kiss…think of that as you will 😉.

But yeah, it’s still decent, but entertaining at least.

39. Treasure Hunt

Yeah, this one isn’t that bad either. Cat’s various traps made for some intense moments and fun gags. Also Kae, no offense, but I kind of agree with Stumpy here. A picture of your face as the surprise is kind of lame. Overall, not bad of an episode!

38. The Thing From Outer Space

I can’t believe that Quack-Quack would throw away his adopted child/pet for some yogurt. Man…

This episode’s strength is the quote-on-quote “thing from outer space”, and it got intriguing as to what this thing really is, and the twist of it’s revelation was a good one, won’t spoil it here. Also the music choice for this one is nice.

Wish it could have been a lot funnier, but this one is still not bad of a watch.

37. …

Okay, I have a confession to make. I know you will not like this, but I have to say it upfront. This is my opinion, and it’s alright if you disagree with me and my thoughts. So read this clear when I say that the episode I put in this tier is…

37. Courtroom Drama

Yeah, that’s right. Courtoom Drama is mid.

Now, I know some of you guys are looking at me and saying: “House, have you been smoking candyweed? You cannot be serious!” Don’t worry, I am completely serious.

I knew about how much this episode is hated by some fans of the show, and I was in sort of the bandwagon at first. But the more I rewatched it, the more I began to realize that it’s kind of okay. But why do people hate it so much? Simple: the ending itself. Where Kaeloo turned out to be faking her sadness of leaving Smileyland to trick Mr. Cat into confessing his crime, who in turn attempted to be genuine.

I can see why this can be angering to some, but upon realizing it, I didn’t think it was that awful of an ending. To be fair, while Mr. Cat did try his best to make it up to Kaeloo, he did bait her and the court into making her guilty using Bad Kaeloo as an example. So while the punishment he got was really harsh, I will admit, I still think he kind of deserved it.

Aside from that, the rest of the episode was surprisingly fun. There were some gags I laughed hard at, like Stumpy as the judge and Cat’s fake as hell flashback to the crime scene which I’m sure was meant to emulate Kae’s daily life.

So to add it up, it’s a decent episode. I can greatly understand why you guys hate it, and that’s okay! I am fine with your opinions on this one as long as you’re fine with mine’s. Plus, there are episodes of the series that I consider to be waaaay worse than this one, especially an episode that I despise the most. Also there’s another episode later down the line that has somewhat of a similar ending to this one, but not great. We will get to those two points eventually, I’ll let you know. So again, I think Courtroom Drama is alright, but if you hate it, more power to you.

36. Doctors and Nurses/Doctors

Oh my lord is that title card nasty, ewww! Like I understand that it’s meant to represent the episode about a character being sick, but STILL, IT’S SO GROSS!

*takes a deep breath* Okay, I’m cool.

The hospital jokes were admittingly funny and strangely accurate. Cat was entertaining, as always. And poor Stumpy, my boy dead and nobody even cares, man…

Not a bad episode, overall!

35. Detectives

This was a kind of a fun time. I liked how it made fun of detective movies and did a take on how old school and modern advanced detectives handled cases. The revelation of the mystery is admittedly odd and doesn’t really make any sense, but I’m sure it’s meant not to be taken seriously, and I can accept that. Also props to Kae’s VA man, he really nailed that deep voice, bruh. Once again, decent, but not bad.

Okay, so that was rather lengthy, but let’s finally get to the good stuff!

Good Tier

34. Simon Says!

Now this one ain’t so bad. This is probably one of the eps in the show where Cat is at his cruelest, robbing Kae of her money to forcing Quack to strip, jeez my dude.

A few jokes were decent, the one with Kae’s lisp comes to mind. And the opening short at the beginning was pretty cute.

That’s it, good stuff!

33. Super Powers

This is the most anime the show has ever been.

I thought that the buddies would get their own powers, hence the title, but instead they get it from these training cards. So, this whole episode feels more like a Yu-Gi-Oh parody if anything, with some notable references to boot, which are neat.

Major F to Stumpy, Quack’s just too unbeatable. Oh, and Cat too, he suffered a lot here.

So yeah, it’s not bad.

32. Art Class

As an art lover myself, I was impressed with the jokes surrounding how art is treated in the critical viewpoint and in the topic of currency. I digged it. Also, I actually was amused as Kae whenever she said that Stump’s art is trash and I said out loud “Yo, just look at your art!”, haha!

Good episode, wished it was more funnier though.

31. Hide N’ Hunt

This is one of the few episodes that proves that this show is an early form of Squid Game.

The problem with this episode for me is the clone thing. A few moments, they seemingly have a mind of their own, like with Stumpy’s clones for example. But most of the time they’re like holograms or something where they just repeat whatever their original host is saying. Having all three of them talk at times can be a bit confusing and annoying, kind of wish they handled them a bit better.

Aside from that, it’s still good, not much else to say.

30. Baby-Sitting

Oh boy oh boy, it’s the episode where we get some full on Kaelat, finally!

I thought this episode was okay first time, but upon rewatch, heh you know, it’s kinda funny! So this is I assume the first episode of the series to have 2 plots of sorts, and the results are rather mixed. Okay, the Kaelat First Date Fling was boring. It didn’t really add much in my opinion, aside from some interesting character lore, and for Kae and Cat to have a moment together at least. Also Cat attempting to uh…do that certain thing was kind of amusing at first watch, but nowadays it’s really awkward and I don’t like it.

Although, Stumpy attempting to “practice babysit” Quack was funny though, and the highlight for me. And it also had a rather funny ending.

So a weak B-plot with the Kaelat “date”, but the A-plot made up for it, so it’s not a bad outing!

29. House/Papa-Maman

Oh my gosh I’m in a Kaeloo episode, dreams do some true!

Joking aside, what I really like about this episode is not only the jokes involving this not-so-perfect family, but also an analysis involving the group dynamics between them. Kaeloo gets some harsh truths when she realizes how far she had gone into the game, forcing Stumpy and Quack-Quack into the roles they didn’t even want to, which causes them to leave. Mr. Cat’s actions as the father didn’t help either, which many fans including me speculated that it’s in turn due to how he was treated by his own family. And less said about the certain couch scene between Cat and Kae, the better.

This leads into me saying that I’m not a fan of Kae and Cat’s “romance” in Season 1. I assume the intention was that they aren’t as close as expected. This in turn causes one of them to make the other annoyed or uncomfortable. And scenes like the kiss scene in Peace Man and this episode’s couch scene really made things awkward. A similar conflict resides in the buddies’ relationships with each other, where the broken family seems to reflect on the fact that there’s some issues within them.

But then, there’s the ending. Kaeloo realizes what she’s done and goes to apologize to Stumpy and Quack-Quack for her behavior. They then forgive her, and Stumpy even offers Kae his game controller when she asks him for it. It made me say “aww” aloud whenever I rewatch this moment. It makes me appreciate the series for the fact that while it is mean-spirited at times, and that the buddies due tend to get into disputes, they still do care for each other. The later seasons greatly exemplify this, especially Kae and Cat’s relationship, but that discussion will be saved at a later date.

Overall, while it’s not my favorite Kaeloo episode, I still think it’s special to me because of these aforementioned reasons. Still has some nice jokes, and that sweet ending that puts this higher on my list.

…Also, what in the hell was up with that title card in the French dub?

28. Hot-Cold

Aside from the suicidal visuals which I did not like, this was rather fun!

It was sweet of the buddies helping out Stumpy with his first date with Ursula, even when their attempts where kind of disastrous, but again, their hearts were in the right place and thankfully things seem to turn out well.

Also, I got a major vibe from Season 4’s All Alone. Mainly because of the details from the beginning of this ep, like Kae playing by herself, Cat mentioning the alley cat parties. Interesting stuff, unsure if this was some crazy ass foreshadowing or not.

Overall, neat stuff!

Great Tier

Alright, now we finally reached the episodes I thought were great! Not my all-time favorites, but still a close second.

27. Reading Books

This one was pretty funny! I know some people would be mixed over the scenes involving the porno mags, but I think they aren’t that bad. I think they go well with the little humorous feud between Cat and Quack over them. It reminded me of those old school 40s/50s cartoons such as Tex Avery. And as a massive fan of his stuff plus the fact that cartoons like this were an inspiration to Kaeloo, I am greatly impressed!

What I am not impressed with is the ending where Kae checked out Cat’s “goods” when he turned into a book at the end. I did get the intention of the joke they were making so I can understand. But bro, this was considered the first Kaelat moment? Wow.

Also, poor Stumps man, the earlier eps didn’t treat him so kindly, but it’s a given really.

Overall, I liked it a lot, not bad.

26. Trap-Trap

A simple one, but still neat. Quack-Quack’s yogurt withdraw was the highlight, which made for some funny jokes and admittedly creepy moments, especially that ending, oof.

Also the Kaelat “hug” was cute and funny, nothing else to say, it’s great.

25. TV News!

I personally relate to Kae when it comes to heavy topics on the news. And while it’s tough seeing reports on something so tragic, it’s still what I and other people have to take into consideration. Regardless, I still feel bad for her.

For some levity, there were some good jokes, Cat is amazing as always, Stumps as well.

So yeah, great ep!

24. Astronauts

This was a really fun episode. Okay, I had a few problems like that certain slur Alt!Stumps said, and of course the ending where the buddies prank Stumpy over that nightmare he had.. Should have ended with him during his therapy session, tbh.

Other than those problemas, I still liked it!

The concept of the main cast meeting their other selves in another dimension is a concept I like, and it has been brought up more in future episodes, and even a story in the official comic. A few fans had also got into making ideas for it, and I do wanna get into it too one day.

So it’s still great, despite the cruel twist ending.

23. Spies

Spies isn’t the strongest of the roleplaying episodes, nor is it my personal favorite (Season 2 Ranking for more info), but I still digged it!

The highlight was obviously the truth serum scene. I am sure that this scene was just crumbs of character lore, headcanons, and theories for the fans, including me, to tear into. Pretty sad stuff, though Stumpy’s truths were treated as comedic though.

I loved the jokes, including Stumpy’s attempts of being the traitor and constantly failing.

Still great, overall!

22. Para-Normal/Paranormal Stuff

Ghostbusters references, I see what you did there, Kaeloo crew!

This is kind of an underrated episode, in my opinion. I admired the supernatural shenanigans, and the boss battles, being an obvious nod to Ghostbusters. It also has a few concepts that I’m sure was brought up again in Season 3’s The Door, like the journeying to a world within one’s head or something like that. Maybe that’s just me, but whatever, fun romp.

21. Guess Who

Really funny stuff! Fun gags, a neat game concept, and of course, Stumpy and Quack’s emotional and compelling breakup arc. Truly a breathtaking experience.

20. Danger Survivor Island

I thought this episode was good, and nothing else the first time I watched it. But overtime, I grew to like it a lot more, and I see why other fans too!

The selling point here was Kae, where her selfishness on how the “Danger Island” should be from her way by making it cutesy, rather than how it’s intended. This causes her to be voted out of the game in the end, which feels like a nice change of pace since this time around she’s in the wrong.

I loved the gags, especially the voting drawings! Quack-Quack could draw so well, amazing stuff.

Not a personal favorite, but I still love it!

19. Gangster Poker

Now this was neat! Cat was a nice antagonist, very ruthless though regarding him pulling a ransom on Kae and he got a well-deserved punishment.

Stumpy being Cat’s sidekick was neat, along with the funny gags of him constantly nicknaming him. And then he pulls the betrayal plan to become the boss only for that to fail badly. I love it. Also, I love the scene of Kae and Cat yelling at each other’s names, kind of adorable.

Side note, I feel like this episode gives out a hint towards Cat’s backstory, but maybe that’s just me.

All in all, great ep.

18. Happy Rotter

Not a Harry Potter fan, but even then, I still think the parody of the series is not bad!

Though, a problem I have is Quack-Quack’s trauma, as his backstory along with the death of his parents were introduced here. The way they handled it was mixed to me, since they used it as a running gag and eventually a Chekhov’s Gun at the end to defeat Cat. It’s a fine use of black comedy but I don’t know, I’m just not a fan of it.

On the plus side, the gags were funny, the spells were pretty creative, and of course, Mr. Cat’s goth outfit! Peak drip right there.

17. Me-No-Nopoly

I got nothing much to say about Me-No-Nopoly, other than it’s a banger. The jokes are neat, and Quack realizing that he wants his friends back rather than being a corrupt king was sweet. Also, episodes like this and Season 4’s Your Rubber I’m Glue should be a reminder to never make Mr. Cat play God/king. Keyword: never.

16. Quest for the Wholly Gruel

I would love to place Wholly Gruel in my Awesome tier, if not for one thing: Nazi Cat. *sigh*

Now I do get what they were doing here. It’s been a while since I’ve seen Indiana Jones, which is what the episode is obviously parodying, but the first and third movies had nazis as the villains. So, the concept of having Cat being a villainous nazi is the intention I can understand, but still, it can be hard to stomach. Especially when he has the red band, and the symbol that resembles the swastika, and the book burning joke. That’s fine if you’re alright with it, but I can really understand why others don’t love it.

But thankfully, that’s like the only big problem I have with the episode. Everything else is really good!

The gags here make me laugh hard. Stumpy was the highlight, as he is unaware that he is putting his friends in real danger while he’s using the Gruel in wanting the prehistoric people drawings to die. Amazing. It is kind of cathartic, considering Kae locked him in the cavern earlier without him giving her a second thought.

Also the animation is really neat, aside from this weird lighting issue, the facial expressions and the action sequences are just awesome!

Fun Fact: this episode was featured at the Annecy Festival from 2011, in 3-D. Yeah, you heard me, 3-FLIPPING-D. Those lucky dudes! Also the Very Special Episode was also shown in Annecy in 2017, but not in 3-D. Kind of wished it did, since the animation from that ep was also great, but story for another day. Man I cannot wait to talk about Season 3, aargh!

Anyway, if not for Nazi Cat, then this would have been an easy S-tier. But hey, it’s placed at a high A, so it’s more of an honorable mention at least.

Alright, now we can finally get to the episodes that I really loved, the Just Awesome tier, AKA the placement for my favorite episodes, period.

So let’s get it rollin’!

JUST AWESOME

15. Streetball

Streetball is great because Mr. Cat raps and it’s epic, that’s it!

Okay but for real, the songs in this one is just great, easily top tier. Cat’s rap like I mentioned is again, epic. And the rap number with the main four is neat too, they didn’t need to make it, but they did and I love it.

I really loved the jokes here, Cat once again doing whatever he can to cheat his way though and Stumpy attempting to be this hip basketball player. I do relate to him when it comes to playing the game, it’s nice to watch, but man can it be hard sometimes.

So yeah, it’s a banger, especially because the songs are bangers.

14. Once Upon a Time

This was a total riot. Not only are the shades of fairy tales being graphic nice, but Stumpy’s own fairy tale story was just great. It’s exactly what imaginative 10 year olds would think of and I love it. It’s so goofy, and nonsensical, but it’s Stumpy, so you should know what you’re expecting.

It’s hard to believe that this episode got a sequel episode from Season 3, and while I loved that one too, I gotta give props to the OG.

13. Musical Chairs

Okay so funny story. When I first watched this episode, I considered it to be decent, with a few gags I loved.

But now? Upon rewatch, this is one of the couple of episodes in the whole show to make me laugh hard. That’s probably a me thing, but damn it, this one was just a riot!

We have Cat being freaking extra over cheating his way to beat Quack-Quack. One example has Stumpy tripping Kae with his foot, and then you have Quack-Quack getting chased by Mr. Cat, who’s driving a car while attempting to slice him with a chainsaw. The moment I saw this scene, I just lost it. The fact that my dude decided to use a car, as opposed to just running was just incredible.

And then it gets wilder. Stumpy bonds with the leftover chairs, to the point where some almighty force grants him his wish to make them alive, which evolves into a full on revolution for their rights! And then this causes Cat and Quack to team up to take them down, but they’re defeated anyway.

This episode was just a straight up wacky experience, but hey, that’s Kaeloo for ya, and I love it so much. I’m so happy I gave this episode another shot, definitely will rewatch this again sometime!

12. Grown Ups

Weird to place this one on this specific tier, but I ended up loving it more than I thought. This is where we see that Cat cares for the buddies, and they do it in a subtle way where even if he acts like his usual self, the goal of him trying to bring them back to their old selves is surprisingly sweet.

The different bad futures each of the buddies partake lead into were interesting and had a few funny gags. I mean Quack becomes a literal god, not surprising to be honest, haha.

So yeah, really loved this one, even if others might not see it, which is perfectly fine.

11. Time Travel

Hands down, one of the most underrated episodes of Kaeloo. I just love this episode for the character interactions. I mentioned before that this type of comedy is what makes the show neat, and I just loved the buddies just vibing along in their time travel shenanigans. The Bob the Duck Skewer plot does die down early, but that’s a small complaint.

Also Kaeloo’s future is kind of horrifying, I ain’t gonna spend my time there, no thanks!

This episode has a special place in my heart overall, don’t mind rewatching it when there’s a pretty sunset like what happens in this episode. Dunno, whenever I look at the sun setting from my window, I just think of this episode.

10. Driver’s Ed

The DMV sucks, and everyone knows it. I’ve seen a few shows do their own roast on how horrible that place is, so far The Looney Tunes Show. I’ve yet to watch Megas XLR, but that one clip of Coop destroying the DMV repeatedly is just hysterical. And I think Kaeloo’s take on it is also great.

You have jokes on how driver’s ed would be like to some people, from the anxiety to those kinds of teachers. Good lord was Cat ruthless to Quack this way, jeez. You root for Stumpy here, and it was nice seeing him get somewhat of a win, even if he still crashed. And again, it’s weird that he needed driving lessons here, where in the early episodes, he can learn how to drive! How does that make sense!?

Whatever, it’s a banger, really funny and enjoyable.

9. Prison Ball

Ah yes, the very first episode of Kaeloo! I can see this as a classic episode and for a good reason. It’s a great introduction to the characters and how their quirks play off here. Cat doing his usual trickery against Quack, Kae trying to keep the peace while vibing, and Stumpy thinking the prison ball game is an actual prison.

I think Red Light, Green Light is stronger, but this is still a nice first impression to start off with.

8. 1, 2, 3 Soleil!/Red Light, Green Light

Ah yes, the original Squid Game!

But yeah, I love Prison Ball, but this to me is the real introduction to this show and the characters. I find it really neat how this was a remake of the OG pilot, just improved the animation along with adding a few new jokes to add in time, like that hilarious opener with Stumpy, and Quack-Quack being happy that he’s flying for a few seconds. So far, I’ve seen shows like Regular Show played this straight, and Phineas and Ferb doing this with a unique spin by making their pilot episode a musical. That’s something I really like about this concept, letting us know that these shows have evolved over time.

Okay I’m just rambling, it’s overall a great one.

7. Market Vendors

Market Vendors is on the list of Kaeloo episodes that make me lose my mind of laughter. In case you’re wondering, that has yet to be done since most of them are too hard to rank.

So for this one, it’s just funny all around. Well, aside from the ending, which still is funny, specifically that once certain light switch gag. But in hindsight, I feel like it’s kind of awkward to laugh at sometimes regarding recent news events over related incidents.

Although, the rest of the gags are neat! Stumpy’s attempts to bring in customers was cute. And I love how Cat evolved from customer to security guard to robber, insane growth level.

6. Cowboys and Indians

Cowboys and India—wait. COWBOYS YOU SAY!?!? Okay okay, story for another time, aka Season 2 Ranking.

Okay, going in, I heard that this episode was racist. And while watching it, I was sort of confused until it got to the scenes with Stumpy as the Indian. And yeah, it was not great. But thankfully, unlike Nazi Cat, it’s not for too long and is thankfully overshadowed by the main plot.

Which, in my opinion—IS FREAKING AWESOME!

Cat is an incredible antagonist, major kudos to his VA for bringing in the menacing and badass vibes. Plus the action here is nice, and aside from the Indian scenes, the rest of the jokes are neat too.

Not sure if the Stumpy Indian scenes were like the only racist parts in the episodes, let me know if there were some I missed. But aside from those scenes, it’s goated, really loved it.

5. Prince Charming

Okay, so I’m going to put plenty of all-caps here and also a bit of swearing, so if that’s alarming to you then I am sorry but this episode and my number one spot had moments that were so incredible, that I must put my words in uppercase. Okay, here I go…

*deep breath*

HOLY FUCK IS THE FIGHT SCENE SO FUCKING GOOD WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK

WE HAVE CAT USING A BAZOOKA AND A CHAINSAW WHILE FIGHTING QUACK-QUACK, WHO ONLY USES A SWORD AND HIS BARE FISTS.

THE WAY HOW THE FIGHT WAS CHOREOGRAPHS, IT’S SIMPLE DYNAMICS YET SO DAMN COOL.

WHY ARE THE FIGHTS THIS SEASON SO GOOD, WHAT THE HELL.

AAAAAAAAHHHHH I LOVE FIGHT SCENES SO MUCCCCCCCHHHH.

*clears throat* Okay I’m good.

Anyway yeah, it’s goated. It also has simple stuff like Stump’s misadventures within Fakebook which is also hilarious. I liked Kae as Quack’s squire and the Sphinx scenes, and Mr. Cat’s “oh yeah” face.

BUT THAT FIGHT SCENE MAN, HOLY HELL.

4. Air Pockets

Okay I have no idea why this is called Air Pockets, kind of a weird title. But with that aside, this is also a funny as hell episode. I loved the jokes regarding what’s like being in an airplane, along with some dark humor that’s shocking (like the terrorist scene for example, oof) but also admittingly hysterical, mostly with Cat being the sadistic, entertaining pilot.

And wow, first Stumpy managed to drive a car by learning from video games, and now a plane? I guess the moral is that video games can make you learn to control transportation!

(Warning: do not attempt unless it’s proven true)

3. Tea Party

Tea Party is just funny. I mean really, really, really funny.

The character-based comedy is strong here with neat conversations and running gags. You feel sorry for Kaeloo here, but also fear her the moment she finally snaps. Lesson learned: never disrupt Kae’s tea party. There shall be mighty consequences for all who oppose…

But yeah, excellent stuff!

2. Bye Bye Yogurt

I can’t believe that this episode made me feel sorry for an expired yogurt. I don’t know how it managed to do that, but here we are.

I gotta say, a few of the sequences here animated so well. From the buddies doing their typical fun, to Stumpy’s creative way of getting in danger, to the ending where Quack-Quack says goodbye to Yogo’s spirit. It was a little emotional, and how it was handled without any dialogue as the music swells was a nice touch.

Also, Mr. Cat being nice during the funeral? To cheering up Stumpy about his grandmother’s funeral to giving Quack-Quack a gift? Now that’s good stuff.

Definitely a great one. And while this one was top tier, my number one pick is even better…

NUMBER ONE!!

1. Scaredy Cat

Okay so warning, I will once again use all-caps and excessive swearing so be warned…

*deep breath*

THIS. EPISODE. ROCKS!!!!

BEST EPISODE OF THE ENTIRE DAMN SHOW, FULL STOP, NO LIE.

THE ANIMATION, HOLY FUCK, THE ANIMATION.

I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS SERIES STARTED OUT IN 2010, THAT IS SO IMPRESSIVE. I’M NOT A SUPER ANIMATION ANALYST BUT IT’S STILL COOL TO SEE THIS SORT OF STYLE EMMULATED SO NICELY. WHY DOES SEASON 1 HAVE SUCH GOATED ACTION AND FIGHT SCENES. I MEAN SEASON 4 PEAKED WITH THE ANIMATION, BUT THIS EPISODE? THIS WAS JUST TOP TIER.

ALSO STUMPY DANCING WITH THE ZOMBIES TO THE THRILLER PARODY, TO THE ENDING REFERENCING THE MUSIC VIDEO.

AND MR. CAT. OH MY FUCKING GOD, MR. GODDAMN CAT WAS IN HIS PEAK. HE WAS JUST AN ABSOLUTE BADASS. LIKE WE KNOW HE CAN MANAGE USING LETHAL WEAPONS, BUT IT’S MOSTLY ON QUACK-QUACK. HERE?? WE SEE HIM TAKE DOWN A HORDE OF ZOMBIE YOGURTS AND TRY TO MANHANDLE A ZOMBIFIED QUACK AND BADKA. YEAH YOU HEARD ME. BAD KAELOO. I WANNA SEE CAT FIGHT LIKE THIS AGAIN, IT’S BEEN 13 YEARS BRO, I WANNA SEE HIM DO THIS STUFF AGAIN.

IT'S JUST PEAK. SIMPLY PEAK. BEST EPISODE OF SEASON ONE BY FAR, I LOVE IT SO MUCH AAAAAAHHHH.

……okay that was a lot of uppercasing.

Final Thoughts

Kaeloo Season 1 isn’t my favorite season of the show. It’s by no means a bad season, far from it! It’s still a good season overall, but it’s one where I don’t have complete hype for compared to the other seasons.

Season 1 had some really good humor, character moments, and some impressive animation. But I thought it suffered a bit from having a couple of plots that didn’t invested me, some jokes that I didn’t laughed at or didn’t aged well, or not every character bit winning me over. That’s probably in part due to the number of episodes that were just mediocre. Only 2 episodes were bad and only 16 episodes where mid. That may seem a bit disappointing, but I’m completely fine with it! I’m thankful things didn’t end up worse. I much rather have a sea of mid than a sea of garbage. And at least said sea of mid is still tolerable to watch!

On the bright side, the episodes that I thought were great, are still great. It honestly wasn’t annoying to try and yearn for the best parts when watching Season 1 in order. Maybe slightly boring, I will admit, but the binge was still worth it.

So to conclude, Kaeloo Season 1 may be a bit rocky, but I still think this season is really darn good. Bunch of classic episodes to be rewatched here, won’t mind doing so sometime.

SCORECARD:

BAD EPISODES: 2

OKAY EPISODES: 16

GOOD EPISODES: 7

GREAT EPISODES: 12

AWESOME EPISODES: 15

EPISODES RANGED FROM BAD-OKAY: 18

EPISODES RANGED FROM GOOD-AWESOME: 34

ALL EPISODES IN TOTAL: 52

SEASON 1 RANKING: 8/10

Now here's the tier list in it's entirety!

Well would you look at that, lots of okay ones but lots of favorable ones! What a good way to start this ranking marathon!

Now join me sometime in March where I shall get through…Season 2…oh boy, this season…

#kaeloo #my review #season review #episode ranking #mod house #christ this was long again so sorry for the delay!#i will hope to improve my rankings by season 2 i loved this but man it's almost sloppy oof #i really like reviewing but sometimes putting my thoughts together critically can be hard ack

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pallases · 2 years

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well that was positively disastrous

#i don’t think i did any part of that tolerance stack analysis correctly and it was worth 20%#fits and threads were fine but they were only worth i think 25% together :/ maybe 35% i don’t remember #edit no definitely 25%#then my actual drawings were pretty sloppy and i didn’t have time to review the details #i think if i had a different professor they’d let me get away w that bc the main idea was definitely there #but my prof is definitely not going to let it slide if there are any little mistakes like i assume there are #and he docks sm for the tiniest things it’s fucking awful and doesn’t even make sense in the context of how many points exercises are worth #like he doesn’t seem to follow a rubric if you made enough mistakes i firmly believe the way he grades would land you with a negative score #like. hello #anyway. whatever i don’t want to think abt this anymore. onward to smth im actually decent at (calculus)#personal #the engineering chronicles #also im still pissed over the fact that all the other sections of this class have gotten a bunch of extra credit and we’ve gotten none like #this is not at all equal. lol #ALSO pissed bc even w my professor’s insane grading standards my assignment average is nearly 90% so im clearly not Bad at the subject i #just suck at the exams especially by his specifications 😭😭 i hate time restraints so so much #what job am i gonna get where they go LEIGH listen up. you have exactly an hour and fifty minutes to sketch and fully dimension two full #drawings and complete these pages of calculations. time starts Now

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lilgynt · 11 months

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passed that promotion test with 100% and the tester took a note agent knows their job but isn’t very confident yeahhhhhhhhh

#personal #my boss and people in the area im in were teasing me about taking it #bc i was pretty stressed and studying a lot #and everyone had complete faith in me and i was please have less. pls.#but that’s nice so if i’m here mid november that’s a raise if not sooner #and the test lady angel and let me air my grievances #was horrified by several things #and really made me feel heard #and after as my boss and i was reviewing #the test basically gave me sloppy like ur such a good agent blah blah and was really nice #and did have daddy issues for a second when he said im really proud of you NO. stop you are the DEVIL.#but this all would have been nice before i’m 11 months in and suicidal coming to work #but yeah either i leave soon (places hitting me up and or offering me positions a fair amount bc i’m sooo hot and hirable) or things change #which nice! either way not gonna hate my life so much

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good-prog · 2 years

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FF9: understanding the makings of a "comfort game"

Main campaign date: 2023/02/06-02/12 Playtime (Steam) to roll credits: 48.9 hrs Playtime (in game) to roll credits: 43.3 hrs Total playtime: 59 hours

I loved Final Fantasy IX; I'm worried about my upcoming playthroughs of FF8 and FF12 because I know that I'll be (un)consciously comparing them to this game throughout. It was a charming game with solid gameplay, with a cute (and well deserved!) romance to boot.

Spoiler warning etc etc. Less polished rambling than usual; I could talk about this game for hours.

gameplay

The combat didn't feel particularly difficult or especially in depth, but was still enjoyable. Each character served a set role that complemented the rest of the party, with later characters and more advanced abilities adding more support options. Notable challenges/areas of interest included:

Early game:

I was fairly invested in the story, so I didn't hit as many random encounters as I usually do during a typical FF playthrough (wandering around, checking all the nooks and cranies).

I was unable to finish the festival of the Hunt because I ran out of potions (oops); learned that potions are less effective out of combat the hard way.

Faced the Gizamaluke's Grotto boss at ~level 10, which took several wipes to beat (and subsequent casual level grinding)

Midgame:

Oelivert: I liked how I had to creatively use support players and passive abilities due to the magic restriction; I only wish that there were similarly restrictive challenges that forced the player to think beyond a "standard" party composition (with a healer). The pair/shrine battle was a good example, though I had no trouble with it since Quina had learned most of their spells by then.

Side note: I wish there was combat associated with each of the pairs that got sent to the shrines, (though we got to fight each of the guardians in Memoria, which made up for it somewhat))

Endgame:

Hades: after beating him (after about an hour), I read that ideally, one kills before his super destructive Doomsday move. Unfortunately, I was greedy and wanted to steal all of his loot. (I ended up only being able to survive his Doomsday casts with pumice equipped on Eiko + shell/protect on all allies)

Wiped to Necron a couple times. Like Hades, I tried with the original party (Zidane/Steiner/Vivi/Dagger) but couldn't keep up with outgoing damage; I ended up swapping to Zidane/Steiner/Quina/Eiko. Crand Cross -> zombie/death -> Phoenix Downs rendered ineffective

Ozma was an rngfest (Doomsday / Curaga spam as it dropped to low health) but I ended up beating him on a pull I just tried to extend as much as I could (with just Steiner alive, spamming Climhazzard)

I liked how I was incentivized to steal; since that was Zidane's job and he was usually in the party, I made use of it more than, say, in FF7 where it was an afterthought. I also enjoyed the ability system, since it promoted upgrading/changing gear as soon as abilities were learned, unlike most RPGs where I tend to hold on to the cheapest/weakest armor/weapons until I get better drops. The passive abilities were interesting to re-equip for bosses that took multiple pulls, though I ended up running a mostly defensive build by the end to minimize status ailments. The storytelling through some of said abilities was amusing, though; early in the game, Zidane's "protect girls" ability would often get himself killed in the process.

Minigames:

Chocobo Hot and Cold isn't the greatest minigame, though after the midpoint of the chocographs I sped up the game (i.e., more pecks in less time) to make it more bearable. There's something amusing about watching Choco zoom around that makes the grind more interesting.

Other minigames/puzzles (e.g., sword battle during I Want to be your Canary, sorting out the Fossil Roo switch puzzle) are cute and added more interactivity to the more story-heavy parts of the game.

I didn't play too much Tetra Master, and am thankful that it didn't play too much of a role in the story (beyond the required card tournament.) I wish the card strengths/weaknesses/rock-paper-scissors rules were more comprehensible; I used an external source to understand what each of the four digits on the cards meant.

Story

Overall, the plot felt tighter and more coherent than most other Final Fantasy games I've played so far. It felt like each of the supporting characters had their major development take place over the course of a zone/dungeon, which made it more tidy (but also not as in depth).

The world felt whimsical in its absurdity: of course Dali's black mage manufacturing factory was chocobo powered (and of course black mages were made with some convolution of chocobo eggs + mist). Of course giant gargants carry passengers between Treno and Alexandria. And of course Cid would get turned into a mustached oglop for cheating on his wife.

The characters are incredibly charming, and I feel like it was easy for me to fall in love with their personalities and their journey to save the world and understand themselves and in the process.

Side note: character design-wise, I liked how the main party wasn't necessarily "conventionally attractive" (I use quotes because other Final Fantasy parties seem to adhere to a more refined/"cool" aesthetic, though their body types may not be mainstream).

Impressions of the characters:

Zidane: embodiment of found family, whether it was as a member of the Tantalus troupe or as the leader of the party. In retrospect, he starts off more emotionally mature than some of the more broody protagonists in the franchise (which makes the You're Not Alone segment on Bran Bal hit even harder when he finally lets his friends help him). During the ending, of course he would go back and try to rescue Kuja—nobody is beyond saving, and he's family after all. And of course he would show up as 'Marcus' in the play to surprise Dagger/Garnet (he's a theater kid!)

Garnet: I assumed she would be a damsel in distress, but she's the exact opposite from the opening act, where--coinciding with Tantalus' mission--she asks to be kidnapped! Throughout her journey, she asserts her autonomy in numerous ways: she chooses a new name, uses her own position as princess to (somewhat naively) attempt to change her mother's mind, escapes in a bag of stinky pickles, pilots the cargo ship to Lindblum, and so on

stuffy knight in rusted armor Steiner: starts off not even using Zidane's name / insisting on rigid loyalty to the queen as rationale for the way he treats "princess" Dagger like a child -> making sure that Zidane promises to return safely at the end (almost like a surrogate parent for Dagger)

ultimate woobie Vivi (but incredibly perceptive for a being so young): starting off throwing fire spells at walls in the Ice Cavern, learning to help his friends with his magic, then coming to terms with his own mortality

unintentionally adorable / hilarious Quina: as the oldest character in the party, they impart a lot of wisdom through their food-related shenanigans. In Madain Sari, they teach Eiko to always "make more than you need" when cooking for a group. There's a certain kind of satisfaction by exploring the world to find different people, values, and of course, food.

Freya: I wish that she moved on from Sir Fratley by the end of the game, but I admired her care for her homeland as the party picked up the pieces of Burmecia and attempted to protect its refugees in Cleyra.

Amarant: felt like I could relate to him at some points becuase he was fundamentally unable to understand how kind Zidane was. I loved the scene where instead of flagging down a Gargant, he decides to take matters into his own hands and carry the kids up the Iifa tree himself.

Eiko: super sassy (calls Mikoto a bimbo!) and the ongoing gag of her crush on Zidane was cute. But she also understands loneliness: she's the last of her clan, without friends her age (or any non-moogles, really) growing up.

Beatrix had a change of heart, but also we don't get more information about whether she was the one that caused Sir Fratley to lose his memory (and she never has a chance to repair her wrongdoing, in the same way Queen Brahne only lived long enough to apologize to her adopted daughter). That said, the romantic gags between Beatrix and Steiner were hilarious.

Necron showing up at the end was a bit confusing at first, but I assumed that like a good deal of other Final Fantasy games, it was the embodiment of entropy / despair / etc. It (he?) demonstrates the theme of coping with ephemerality: how characters respond to being created with a limited lifespan/for a nefarious purpose (we're all going to die anyway; what we do with the limited time we have with each other is what matters).

This game is so romantic; I don't recall the last time I was so invested in a fictional relationship (maybe since reading The Left Hand of Darkness and speculating on the nature of Ai and Estraven's connection, but I digress). Sure, it might have been a bit too saccharine in the way it works out for all of our protagonists at the end, but it felt deserved. I can't stop thinking about the scene in Madain Sari on the boat, where Zidane recounts the traveler Ipsen's tale. The simplicity of the sentiment is so heartfelt ("Why did you come with me?"/"only because I wanted to go with you").

Music highlights

Obligatory "I haven't met a Final Fantasy game soundtrack I disliked" disclaimer, but here were some highlights. If I ever do an Excalibur II run, I might consider doing it without music, since so many of the tracks invite the player to stop and listen for a while:

Burmecia: capturing the sense of foreboding

Dali's theme feels so nostalgic

quiet melancholy of Esto Gaza

Terra/Bran Bal's theme: somber, mysterious

obligatory mention for YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I loved how it replaced the battle theme throughout that dungeon, almost as if Zidane was ruminating on his own reckless march and impulse to push his friends away

Necron's theme (Grand Cross): feels a bit like The Extreme from FF8, in that it starts off with a haze of vocals (in this case, the groans of the damned) and kicks in in a frenzy an ATB gauge or two in

Misc

It took some time for the art style of the characters to grow on me. At first glance, I wasn't the biggest fan of the exaggerated chibis with giant hands. Though the FMVs felt cinematic, the art sometimes reminded me of a Veggietales episode in the textures and exaggerated physics. Graphics-wise, I played with the Moguri mod, which enhanced an already good-looking game's prerendered backgrounds among other QoL improvements.

I liked being able talk to NPCs between major story events and seeing how their lives are affected (e.g., Lindblum spectator during the Festival -> mourning about the destruction of the town -> commentary on rebuilding). My favorite was probably seeing Part-Time Worker Mary at the cable car station, then seeing her together with Part-Time Worker Jeff staffing the Dali item shop by the end.

I also appreciate the FF9 references in FF14 more:

Ark boss moveset / design is similar to Cruise Chaser (there was a spark of recognition followed immediately by panic as I saw "propeller wind" being cast without the clear-headed ability equipped)

Perfect Alex in TEA has wings

5v5 PVP mode uses arrangements of FF9 soundtrack.

Weirdly personal aside on Eiko:

(Apologies in advance for the "we live in a [capitalist] society" sentiment.)

The more I thought about Eiko as a character, the more I could relate to her fear of loneliness.

I love (romantic) love, in the way that it is impossible for a starving gremlin to not drool while staring at a chunk of raw meat! I will eat up any story in which people grow closer and learn to care for each other.

And yet—like Eiko—I fear it. She sees love as a source of security, so she wants to get "between" Zidane and Dagger and get Zidane to fall in love with her instead! Because society encourages the atomization of "community" into nuclear families, I feel like I have lost friendships to it. It becomes all consuming: turning down plans to spend time with a significant other, or letting them take over the topic conversation when they aren't actually there. I can't help but be happy for those friends (who wouldn't be excited for their well being?) but feel conflicted about letting them go and our friendship change.

It's weird, sometimes, seeing old friends on social media living photogenic lives (now with an additional pet or child) while I hunch in front of my computer monitor in my metaphorical basement. I have to resist the urge to comfort myself with platitudes: it's not a bad thing, just different, or perhaps reaffirm that things were temporary, anyway: we were bound to evolve and change and grow apart. I am grateful for the time we spent together, and have to learn to appreciate it and move on. It's not a lose-lose situation, of course; the amount of love in the world isn't finite, though time might be. (One of the perks of living in the 21st century is that I can reach out and reconnect easily!)

next steps

I was able to get all the non-grindy ultimate weapons (besides Quina's Gastro Fork, or Steiner's Excalibur II.) I don't plan on attempting an Excalibur II run immediately, since so much of what I enjoyed was the story, not necessarily the gameplay. But going in with better knowledge of the game might make for an interesting challenge in the future.

I can definitely see myself revisiting this game in the future. I don't have many pieces of "comfort media" that I turn to, but the hope the characters have in the face of identity- and world-shaking revelations and the happy ending definitely make it a candidate.

#ff9 #my review #ough this was sloppy but need to get it done #closed tab

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nerinefy · 5 months

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.𖥔 ݁ ˖ A LIFE WITH HIM ; FT. some OVERBLOT BOYS .𖥔 ݁ ˖

★ synopsis: how will they be like as your partner?

★ details: you/yours | headcanon | too much fluff | 1,000+ words

✦ ┊RIDDLE ROSEHEARTS

PHYSICAL AFFECTION (GIVING & RECEIVING)

★ not too big on PDA, so expect that the most skin-to-skin contact you two can have outside is the occasional hand-holding. he likes it when he's the one initiating the gesture whenever you two are out and about since he still can't help but have the need to be in control even after his overblot (like leading you to places and making sure ur still by his side).

★ he doesn't admit it but he loves when you link your arm with his and nuzzle your face into his shoulder (although he will still scold you if you do it) ESPECIALLY when he's in a mood and is almost about to off the heads of some rule-breakers OR maybe when you're giving too much attention to a rando because he may not admit it but he's greedy and wants your eyes on him only (but he's a gentleman and will never speak about it, only dismissing his inappropriate thoughts.)

★ in private though he's just a snuggly little cuddle bug, even more so if he's tired or stressed or most likely both. so many responsibilities are piled up on his plate just in his second year so the only thing that keeps his shit together is your warm and loving embrace. HE'S A SMALL SPOON. NO BACKSIES, okay maybe he's a big spoon if you're the one who needs a little more loving.

GIFT-GIVING

★ i mean from the name itself ROSEHEARTS, roses are his go-to (he's corny but we love him like that), but if you have a different favorite flower then he'll get those, and if you're allergic he'll try to make those handmade ones! although a little sloppy, pretty successful for his first try. overall he likes giving the traditional gifts like bouquets, stuffed animals, and chocolates :) but if he gets to know you more it might be more personal and intimate stuff that fits your tastes, and of course, should be of use to you too.

THE SIMPLE THINGS

★ whenever you're stuck on a study session late at night he likes inviting you to take a break and brew some tea for you. he'll even share some sweets that Trey gave him. although he won't leave you alone after he finds you like that, instead he pulls out some reviewers he has and helps you work on whatever you find difficult to understand.

WORD AFFIRMATIONS

★ "Our race is nowhere near finished, so please my rose, stay strong, I know you can and want to do so. I am always by your side okay?"

✦ ┊LEONA KINGSCHOLAR

PHYSICAL AFFECTION (GIVING & RECEIVING)

★ hugs, hugs, and MORE HUGS. just lots of hugs! doesn't matter if he's a big spoon or small spoon, he needs you by his side 24/7, 365. he just has to have his scent all over you u know, half-breed things. this man is just lazing around anywhere so might as well bring his favorite pillow with him. and no, he doesn't care if you have class and need to take a test worth half your grade, he needs you more! ★ of course, he doesn't have long-ass hair for nothing, go be his peasant and brush it, most preferably with your fingers if he's having a good hair day. your soft fingers massaging his scalp are quite literally going to take him to heaven, and he'll have no regrets tho so go pocket something if that happens. ★ he doesn't pick favorites when it comes to giving and receiving physical affection, he just wants his hands all over you and if the job is done then he's good.

GIFT-GIVING

★ honestly man, i don't know with him. he's raised right so of course he gives you stuff like flowers and so on. on the other hand tho he isn't the type to know what you like and will most likely just ask you what you want him to give you. maybe he'll just take you to go fetch them at the store itself if he isn't sure. but on special days like your birthday or your anniversary (assuming ya'll would last more than a week), he actually tries and it's pretty sweet and more elaborate.

THE SIMPLE THINGS

★ whenever he's forcibly on a call with his brother, which surprisingly is turning into a regular thing, if Farena asks about how he's doing, Leona likely ends up only yapping about you. i mean yeah he missed his last test and he spent his allowance for the month in a week but does Farena know about the time you were mumbling Leona's name in your sleep? he will deny it if he's called out for doing so. NO, HE DID NOT PERIOD. *hangs up*

WORD AFFIRMATIONS

★ "Whatever you're thinking of, don't. It's stupid. As much as I don't like admitting this, you're strong, and even more than most beastmen if you set your mind to your goals."

✦ ┊AZUL ASHENGROTTO

PHYSICAL AFFECTION (GIVING & RECEIVING)

★ man's busy all the time so it's hard to get your hands on him. even if he's not busy, he will sprint for his life just to get away from you. not that he dislikes your affection, the concept is just a little foreign to him. give him time to adjust, then you'll find out how soft his tentacles are! ★ when he's actually busy and working on stuff in his office (when the time comes and he's comfortable) he likes it when you flop yourself on his lap and nuzzle into his chest. he feels guilty that he can't give full focus to you since his schedule truly is packed but you inviting yourself into his office at late hours of the day just to snuggle comforts and assures him in some way. he'll definitely find more time for you, he's trying his best lol! ★ overall he isn't one to initiate the touching even if he's fully vulnerable for you. idk too ask him about it. he's just happy you like him enough that you cling unto him. but if you ask him he may favor hand-holding the most, it may be the least contact but feeling your hand on his is enough for him.

GIFT-GIVING

★ HE KNOWS EVERYTHING. i'm not even kidding, even when it's no special day he'd likely buy stuff just because it reminded him of you or when you coincidentally need it which is pretty cute but can be a little creepy.

THE SIMPLE THINGS

★ i saw a fic back then that said he gives you some coupons and by some i mean a TON in hopes that you visit the Lounge and that is absolutely true. though he forgets you two are together and he can ask you nicely to come over but who can say no to 30% off all menu items?

WORD AFFIRMATIONS

★ "My, how could I ever deny what that cute head of yours and those strong arms of yours can do! You are a valuable asset to me...what kind of asset? Well...it's up to you to decide."

✦ ┊JAMIL VIPER

PHYSICAL AFFECTION (GIVING & RECIEVING)

★ he's also busy, honestly might be one of the, or if not the busiest of all of these guys. when you two have time to be together tho, even if he's knocked out and drained, he'll never show it. but i can say that's only during the early stages of your relationship with him and depending on how you two met. he likes to present himself in his best state and he really can't do so with his schedule so eventually he just melts and the next thing you know he's hugging you from the back any chance he gets and you feel his heartbeat turn slower by the minute. ★ for those moments that he sees you out and about though he likes patting your cute lil head, no matter what your height is. though he is trying to be a little adventurous with you so he leans in to caress your hair gently and suddenly you're met with a quick smooch. (only when there's no one else in sight so yeah adventurous my ass) ★ like leona, he loves it when you play with his hair, and he does not like to admit it. just remember to keep it neat and use a brush while you're at it, plus a facial and maybe a massage because i know those muscles are TIGHT.

GIFT-GIVING

★ his gifts reek of HANDMADE. idk he has those vibes. handmade flowers, or some origami of cute animals, but he likes giving you handwritten letters the most. it can be hard to communicate his real feelings to you so writing is a way for him to freely and easily express those feelings.

THE SIMPLE THINGS

★ whenever he cooks for Kalim or just whenever he cooks, he suddenly has some leftovers that he decided he'd pack up for you. can't bring himself up to say that excuse so he just gives it to you and walks away.

WORD AFFIRMATIONS

★ "Whining is useless. Do the things you're good at, stop worrying about the things you can't. Oh, I'm sorry...did that come off too harsh?"

★ author's note: congratulate me for coming back. BASK IN MY GLORIOUS PRESCENCE. (i missed u guys too ig)

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headspace-hotel · 5 months

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don't want to sound like i think i know everything, I do not, but i feel crushed by college class formats. I know how to learn, to do research, to seek information, to think about whether a source is good, to write and express my ideas, to come up with questions and test them.

I want to be in an environment that engages with me on this level so I can increase my ability to learn and ask questions, rather than being told "ok here's how you use the library" "ok here's how you write paragraph" "here's the basics of the scientific method"

It's not just my impatience with the level of classes I'm having to get through, it is the approach within those classes. I had a professor say "see, this is a peer-reviewed journal article, peer-reviewed journal articles will be printed in two columns on the page like this" but being printed in two columns isn't the key characteristic of a peer-reviewed journal nor is it a very good indicator.

we keep doing rushed, meaningless assignments where we have to come up with a website to cite for a forum post or presentation within a short class period, giving no time to closely examine sources.

we are doing elementary school level "experiments" that are just a proxy for learning to put data in an excel spreadsheet and analyze it, but being rushed the way we are and having no patience for the real complications that come up with even a simple experiment or research project, my classmates don't appear to think it matters if we make sloppy measurements or fudge data a little bit because it's just a stupid activity to learn about putting data in a spreadsheet. But integrity in research is something we SHOULD be practicing and learning about

the assignments are on the level of "repeat what the source says to receive good grade" and there's so many of them it's impractical to try to do anything else.

But in this level of education we should be learning how to question a source and ask if it is a good source or not! "How does this guy know what he's talking about" "What does this author WANT us to think and why might he be trying to make us think that"

i've even had a professor tell us we can use chatgpt for assignments, it's awful

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mostlysignssomeportents · 1 month

Text

Corporate Bullshit

I'm coming to BURNING MAN! On TUESDAY (Aug 27) at 1PM, I'm giving a talk called "DISENSHITTIFY OR DIE!" at PALENQUE NORTE (7&E). On WEDNESDAY (Aug 28) at NOON, I'm doing a "Talking Caterpillar" Q&A at LIMINAL LABS (830&C).

Corporate Bullshit: Exposing the Lies and Half-Truths That Protect Profit, Power, and Wealth in America is Nick Hanauer, Joan Walsh and Donald Cohen's 2023 book on the history of corporate apologetics; it's great:

https://thenewpress.com/books/corporate-bullsht

I found out about this book last fall when David Dayen reviewed it for the The American Prospect; Dayen did a great job of breaking down its thesis, and I picked it up for my newsletter, which prompted Hanauer to send me a copy, which I finally got around to reading yesterday (I have gigantic backlog of reading):

https://pluralistic.net/2023/10/27/six-sells/#youre-holding-it-wrong

The authors' thesis is that the business world has a well-worn playbook that they roll out whenever anything that might cause industry to behave even slightly less destructively is proposed. What's more, we keep falling for it. Every time we try to have nice things, our bosses – and their well-paid Renfields – dust off their talking points from the last go-round, do a little madlibs-style search and replace, and bust it out again.

It's a four-stage plan:

I. First, insist that there is no problem.

Enslaved people are actually happy. Smoking doesn't cause cancer. Higher CO2 levels are imaginary and they're caused by sunspots and they're good for crop yields. The hole in the ozone layer is only a problem if you foolishly decide to hang around outside (this is real!).

II. OK, there's a problem, but it's your fault.

An epidemic of on-the-job maimings is actually an epidemic of sloppy workers. A gigantic housing crash is really a gigantic cohort of greedy, feckless borrowers. Rampant price gouging is actually a problem of too much "spending power" (that is, "money") in the hands of working people.

III. Any attempt to fix this will make it worse.

Equal wages for equal work will cause bosses to fire women and people of color. Protecting people with disabilities will cause bosses to fire disable people. Minimum wages will cause bosses to buy machines and fire "unskilled" workers. Gun control will only increase underground gun sales. Banning carcinogenic pesticides will end agriculture as we know and we'll all starve to death.

IV. This is socialism.

Income tax is socialism. Estate tax is socialism. Medicare and Medicaid are socialism. Food stamps are socialism. Child labor laws are socialism. Public education is socialism. The National Labor Relations Act is socialism. Unions are socialism. Social security is socialism. The Fair Labor Standards Act is socialism. Obamacare is socialism. The Civil Rights Act is socialism. The Occupational Health and Safety Act is socialism. The Family Medical Leave Act is socialism. FDR is a socialist. JFK is a socialist. Lyndon Johnson is a socialist. Carter is a socialist. Clinton is a socialist. Obama is a socialist. Biden is a socialist (Biden: "I beat the socialist. That's how I got the nomination").

Though this playbook has been in existence since the nation's founding, the authors point out that from the New Deal until the Reagan era, it didn't get much traction. But starting in the Reagan years, the well-funded network of billionaire-backed think-tanks, endowed economics chairs, and latter-day propaganda vehicles like Prageru breathed new life into these tactics.

We can see this playing out right now as the corporate world scrambles for a response to the Harris campaign's proposal to address price-gouging. Reading Matt Stoller's dissection of this response, we can see the whole playbook on display:

https://www.thebignewsletter.com/p/monopoly-round-up-price-gouging-vs

First, corporate apologists insisted that greedflation didn't exist, despite the fact that CEOs kept getting on earnings calls and boasting to their investors about how they were using the excuse of inflation to jack up prices:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/03/11/price-over-volume/#pepsi-pricing-power

Or the oil CEOs who boasted that the Russian invasion of Ukraine gave them cover to just screw us at the pump:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/03/15/sanctions-financing/#soak-the-rich

There are all these out-in-the-open commercial entities whose sole purpose is to "advise" large corporations about their prices, which is just a barely disguised euphemism for price-fixing, from meat-packing:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/10/04/dont-let-your-meat-loaf/#meaty-beaty-big-and-bouncy

To rents:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/07/24/gouging-the-all-seeing-eye/#i-spy

That's stage one: "there's no problem." Stage two is "it's your fault." That's Larry Summers and co insisting that a couple of stimulus checks a couple years ago are responsible for inflation, because it gave you too much "buying power," and so the only possible fix is to jack up interest rates and trigger mass layoffs and sharp wage decreases across the economy:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/12/14/medieval-bloodletters/#its-the-stupid-economy

Stage three is "any attempt to fix this will make it worse." When Isabella Weber pointed out that there was a long history of price-controls being used to fight price-gouging, corporate apologists lost their minds and brigaded her, calling her all kinds of nasty names and insisting that her prescription didn't even warrant serious discussion, because any attempt to control prices would destroy the economy:

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/podcasts/lately/article-the-millennial-economist-who-took-on-the-world/

You may recognize this as cousin to the response to rent control proposals, which inevitably trigger a barrage of economists screaming that this will not work and will actually reduce the housing supply and drive up prices, which is true, provided that you ignore all evidence and history:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/05/16/mortgages-are-rent-control/#housing-is-a-human-right-not-an-asset

And stage four is "this is socialism." Look, I am a literal card-carrying member of the Democratic Socialists of America and I can assure you, Kamala Harris is not a socialist (and more's the pity). But that didn't stop the most eminently guillotineable members of the investor class from hair-on-fire, ALL-CAPS denunciations of the Harris proposal as SOCIALISM and Harris herself as a COMMUNIST:

https://twitter.com/Jason/status/1824580470052725055

The author's thesis is that by naming the playbook and giving examples of it – for example, showing how the "proof" that minimum wage increases will destroy jobs was also offered as "proof" not to abolish slavery, ban child labor, add fireproofing to textile factories, and pay women and Black people the same as white guys – we can vaccinate ourselves against it.

Certainly, we've reached a moment where the public is increasingly skeptical of claims that we can't fix anything because the economists say that this is the best of all possible worlds, and if that means that we're all going to boil to death in our own skin, so be it:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/10/27/economism/#what-would-i-do-if-i-were-a-horse

In other words, after 40 years of subordinating politics to economics, there's a resurgence of belief in politics – that is, doing stuff – rather than hunkering down and waiting for the technocrats to fix everything:

https://www.programmablemutter.com/p/seeing-like-a-matt

Corporate Bullshit is a brisk and bracing read – I got through it in about an hour in my hammock yesterday – and, in laying out the bullshit playbook's long history of nonsensical predictions and pronouncements, it does make a very good case that we should stop listening to people who quote from it.

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/08/19/apologetics-spotters-guide/#narratives

#pluralistic #narratives #lakoff #joan walsh #david cohen #nick hanauer #apologetics #bullshit #history #books #reviews #gift guide

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shirakow · 5 months

Text

˗ˏˋ꒰ summary ꒱ ; he wanted to practice kissing with you .

‧₊ ᵎᵎ 🍇 pair ⋅ ˚✮ ; Rody Lamoree x GN!reader . College AU pre dp

. . . words ; 1.2k+

WARNINGS ! semi-nsfw, like one mention of addiction, whiney rody, and also no genitals or gendered terms used !

⁺ ⛧ ; i made this instead of continuing to make my reviewer for like 5 tests tomorrow. Someone wish me luck and maybe I'll pop out another vincent x reader by saturday ^3^ love you guys endlessly . Also made this while listening to the an evening with silk sonic album. Def worked for motivation

"Please?" Rody begged on his knees in front of you, his eyes pleading you for help as he clasped his hands together in a praying manner like you were his God.

You could only sigh and shake your head, "Fine. I'll practice kissing you." You murmured a bit shyly. Despite being incredibly against the idea —not that you would mind—you were just nervous because Rody was literally asking you to kiss him.

Actually, the term he used was make out but that's too embarrassing to think about.

It hit you in the wrong way because you were best friends, that's all you've ever thought of him. Sure you were glad he was comfortable enough to ask you for tips on this, but hands on teaching? Consider yourself fucked!

Perhaps there were lingering feelings in the back of your head that you never paid any mind to as you were never this nervous for a damn kiss.

Rody's eyes immediately lit up at the agreement, even if a bit hesitant. "Thank you, thank you, thank you," he tackled you into a hug, pushing you down on the couch with his full weight flush against yours.

You smacked the back of his head multiple times to get him off before he could crush you, which he did thankfully. The two of you sat faced to face, the way Rody twiddled with his fingers did not go unnoticed by your keen eyes.

"If you're nervous, you could just back out now while we still haven't done anything." Who were you kidding? By the looks of it you were even more nervous than him! By the way your feet couldn't help but bounce itself on the ground whilst you anxiously waited for his answer.

"I'm not nervous! I'm just embarrassed..."

"Same thing you nut job." You quipped with a sigh.

"Just, come on." If he wasn't gonna initiate it, then you'll do it. You could tell how much this meant to Rody, or else he wouldn't have asked you in the first place.

Because if there was one thing that Rody hated in the world aside from cleaning: it was to burden others. Besides, he's done so much for you in the past, it's only right you pay him back even if with a mere peck on the lips.

You scooted closer to Rody, your knees brushing against one another as you placed your hands on his chest. He looked down at you with his blush growing more prominent, yet you only did nothing but stare at him. "W-What're you looking at?" The almighty Rody Lamoree stuttered.

"Backing out?" You teased with a small chuckle. A grumbled curse erupted from his throat and before you knew it, his lips were against yours.

Well that was surprising.

They were soft, tentative, and more importantly: incredibly gentle. It was like he was trying to learn for his own gain but prioritizing your comfort at the same time, which was quite lovely if you do say so yourself.

Your hands on his chest moved up to caress his jaw, then his neck, then his cheek, and finally his hair which earned an unexpected whine from Rody. You fought back a smile that threatened to form on your face at the sound, and he could easily tell as your lips were connected after all.

Rody mumbled a quiet 'shut up' that was immediately drowned out when he kissed you deeper. But you noticed it was too sloppy. This caused you to pull away slightly, leaving only an inch between your lips that Rody fought to keep closed by the way he chased after you.

You put a finger against his plush lips which in turn earned another whine from the male in front of you. "Calm down big guy... Don't rush, or else you'll chase away the person you're pining for." You whispered breathlessly, and Rody pursed his bottom lip out like a pleading dog.

"I'll... I'll try..." He grumbled as you put your hand back down to his shoulder. Rody pressed his lips against yours once more, starting off slow, and gradually growing deeper like you instructed him to.

He grazed his teeth against your bottom lip, the feeling making your breath hitch. Noticing your reaction, Rody decided to tread the waters and gently bit your lip, before pulling on it while maintaining hazy eye contact.

"Sorry... Just wanted you to open your eyes and look at me while I kiss you..." Rody said in a raspy voice as his blush deepened. You hadn't even noticed that you closed your eyes, you were too busy feeling him to feel your own sight go away for just a split second.

He was starting to get the hang of it, that's for sure.

Rody's calloused hands finally found somewhere to put themselves on and that being your hips, which he then pulled onto his lap as he leaned back on the couch; his thumbs gently caressing and rubbing circles under your shirt.

You just let him do what he want, this was all just for practice anyway, right?

"Can I..." Rody trailed off as he pulled away, his face flush and mouth agape—gasping for breath. You could only imagine what you looked like right now if he was this disheveled already. "... Can I french kiss you?" Rody bit his bottom lip as he thumbed at yours.

"Wouldn't this already be considered a french kiss?" You chuckled at your pun.

Rody rolled his eyes and let out a breath that you could only guess resembled a laugh. "Yes or no is all I wanna hear... Please?" He quietly begged you, staring up at you with his pretty green eyes that were lidded from all the kissing.

"That's all you wanna hear?" Another groan from him. "You're insufferable..." He used his hand to part your lips as he stuck the tip of his tongue out, before suddenly pulling you down and shoved his tongue inside your mouth.

It made you gasp against his lips, but you leaned into it invitingly. You placed your hands on his shoulders for support as he explored every inch of you.

For someone claiming he hasn't made out with someone for the duration of his entire life: this sure didn't feel like it. Your fingers threaded through his hair and grabbed a fistful of his dirty orange locks, making him moan into the kiss, albeit a bit too loudly.

Rody made you grind against him, his hands gripping onto your hips for dear life. "Mmmm...~ feel good... keep going... please..." He whispered as he pulled away for air, before pulling you back down for another round of tongue kissing.

It was messy, but you started not to care a few minutes ago. You were completely drunk on Rody's taste, and by the looks of it—he was already long gone. "Y-You'll help me out, right?" Rody panted while throwing his head back, helping you grind on his groin.

"P-Pretty please?"

And who were you to decline such a pretty face begging for more?

Safe to say the day after that was far from normal, because now he's completely addicted to kissing you.

#rody lamoree #rody lamoree x reader #dead plate #dead plate rody #dead plate rody lamoree #x reader #dead plate x reader #gender neutral #rody lamoree x you #rody lamoree x male reader #rody lamoree x fem reader #rody x gender neutral reader #x gender neutral reader #x male reader #x fem reader #. . . 𝘀𝗵𝗶.𝘄𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗲𝘀 ?

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lxvvie · 4 months

Note

Simon writes THE best negative yelp/google reviews😂

“Came for a left wheel panel replacement, left with bondo stuck in my car. The 2nd fix was no better. If i wanted sloppy seconds I woulda went to my missus you fucking donkey🖕🏻. 0/5”

“The rice was undercooked and harder than my dick while takin a fucking wank. 1/5”

“Bad infrastructure and car park. Wouldn’t even use this in modern warfare . 1/5”

“Garry the barista, you made my wife uncomfortable AND you gave me ICED sweet tea. Count. Your. Days. 0/5”

“VERY inaccurate website description. A rookie shooting bullets out of his ass would be more accurate than you bloody cunt. 2/5”

“Bloody hell. The food looked like its was drooped, kicked, and shat on by a fucking cow. 0/5”

Y'all leave my Missus™ alone, he wouldn't do this. He probably would and tell you just like he wrote the review lmao.

#call of duty #call of duty modern warefare #simon ghost riley #the missus™.

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tarjapearce · 1 year

Note

Mama pegging Miguel? I mean I would see something like that happening after all their years of marriage and Miguel being against it at first but then agreeing and mama having the best time of her life. I’m sorry my brain is not okay. And I’m sorry if this would make you uncomfortable in any way.

Let's be honest here. As much as we love seeing Miguel as the Dom, we've all fantasized in having him a mess underneath us. So yeah. Just gonna Indulge myself here ~

⚠️WARNINGS: FILTHINESS. Sub! Miguel, sloppy blowjob, rimjob, hole play, Mama is a one kinky mf, Gentle femdom, use of toys, fruity lube, fluff. MINORS DO NOT INTERACT ⚠️

You weren't one for watching porn, but seeing the reviews on the video, either straight or gay mostly of the commenters agreed on something. Toying with your partner's erogenous zones and exploiting them felt good.

Some comment were explicit and specific as to what they enjoyed the most. Even though porn was the worst way and place you could learn stuff from, the comments didn't lie. Or so you were assuming.

And things turned weirder and weirder the upcoming days. Bdsm toys, and tips started to show up on your media feed. You had your little kit stored away into the drawer under key. A kit that was often pulled out when Miguel felt particularly stressed and borderline pissed. You were each other's relief.

Not only the lingerie appealed the visuals, but enhanced it. The sole idea of having Miguel tied up and needy for you made your skin crawl in a thrilling sensation that left no room for wonders and doubts.

You had imagined in multiple times how would it be to swap the dominant role for once with Miguel. As you clicked on the toy's add, a new expansion to the world you had been exploring on the surface with him, opened just for you.

------

"Can we talk?"

"Miguel?" You sat next to him in his office as your paperwork was verified by him.

"Is something wrong?"

He mumbled as he kept working on his laptop.

His fingers stopped typing, his eyes turned to seize you with a surprise yet underlying alarm underneath them.

"I wanna peg you."

"What? Why?"

"Im curious and... If I'm honest, I wanna see you a mess"

You whispered on his ear and he chuckled, his cheeks turned into a faint shade of red.

"Ah, C'mon! I'm sure we can have some fun."

"Sigue queriendo, cariño" (Keep wishing, honey)

"Dont think so."

He just shook his head with a small smile.

"Ill wear something nice for you."

"Nope."

He took you by the chin and kissed your lips.

"Pleaseee?"

"No."

His eyes kept drifting towards you and the contraption you had just pulled out from a package. How did he ended up agreeing?

-------

Oh yeah.

A blowjob with something else he had never experienced before, and if he was honest, wished to have experienced sooner.

Sex with you was not only mind blowing, but kinky. You were kinky and shameless and seeing you assuming his role, was such an interesting switch of your dynamics. For science purposes, you said and it was more than enough to convince him.

Pillows perched behind his back to offer him a good support as his legs spreaded open for you.

Seeing you, clad in PU leather stirred his curiosity and hunger.

"Thought you'd use the handcuffs"

"We haven't even started and you're already getting kinky"

He pouted but it quickly faded as you kneeled in between his legs, hands caressing the outer of his thighs.

A gloved hand of yours took him by the base and stroked upwards in slow motions.

"You're always making me feel good."

You kissed his cheek and then his lips, as your hand kept stroking him. Lips crashed hungrily, chasing eachother desperately. Your tongue invaded his mouth, twirled around his, luring it out for you to suck it. Earning a satisfied groan from the both.

"Relax, ok? Lemme make you feel good"

With a sigh, and another breathless kiss Miguel granted you control.

You kneeled once more and resumed your stroking, blood rushing to his tip, twitching his cock alive and rock hard.

"Have I told you I love your taste?"

Beaming smile slowly melded around him. Flat tongue running on his base as your palm fisted his tip. Hot lips searing his skin with little kissed that transformed in gentle sucks. Your head supported against one of his thighs you had secured next to your head.

He groaned when you used your tongue around his frenulum, His hands clenched for a moment on the sheets as you focused on it for a moment to then take him bit by bit.

The sound of you gagging him made his head spin with sensations his body always experienced as new. A soft deep throat followed by your hand cupping the base and stroking as you paid special attention to his tip.

The little gargling and wet sounds you gave, made his body receptive and sensitive.

Red eyes fixed on your movements, and God, it was quite the sight, but you stopped, licking using your spit to stroke him faster as your other hand ventured to his sac and further.

His pants and soft raged breathings, made you bit your bottom lip.

"Tell me what you want, cariño"

His body tensed for a second as you toyed with the outer folds of his hole.

"F-Faster"

"Oh no no, I can't have you coming too soon. Need you nice and hard when I take this" Your finger moved in circular motions on the tight muscle ring.

He exhaled as the sheets crumpled underneath his iron grip

"Does it feels good, Papa?"

He nodded with shaky breaths as you engulfed him once more, but you stopped

"Uh-uh. Use your words"

You smirked to then put some flavored lube between his supple butt cheeks. You licked your lips at how receptive and sensitive his body was under your calculated and gentle handling.

Why hadn't you ventured sooner in this? Embarrassment perhaps? His groaning at your sinking finger inside him snapped your wandering attention back to him.

"You're so tight, mi amor"

You purred

"Let me-" He choked as your tongue swirled mercilessly around his tip, your cheeks hollowed hard as your cheeks clamped around him, "Dios mío, No te detengas-"

(My God, don't stop)

Another choke as another finger eased ever gently inside. You wriggled them softly, making a soft 'come' motion inside, allowing him to get used to the feeling.

Your lips glossed over both his precum and your own saliva, but that didn't stop you. He was about to push you deeper but a glare was enough to keep his hands on the sheets.

His jaw clenched, lips contorting in soft ohs and ahs as you kept blowing him and your fingers moved into him a faster but still gentle speed.

"So so close, mi amor"

He grunted while throwing his head back, sinking for a moment in the pillow. His chest heaving, the riple of his muscles tensed and shook at his desperate breaths. You stopped the sucking and he whimpered, annoyed.

"No, no mi amor. Go... Goback please, I'm so s'close." His slurred words made you giggle

"Want me to suck you dry, Papa?"

A hiss came from his lips as you found that little nub of muscle and prodded kindly at it. His mouth gaped.

"Yes" The neediness in his voice made your senses tingle. You were sure at this point you were soaked, but it wasn't about you right now. You wanted him to come undone before you while teaching him new ways to please each other beyond penetration.

And so far his body reacted so well to it, it made you smile as pride filled your chest.

"Touch yourself, Miguel. Lemme see gentle strokes"

One of his hands immediately took a hold of his aching cock

"Lento, mi amor" (Slowly)

A frustrated sigh rolled off his lips as your mouth focused on his sac. You pulled your fingers out, carefully before spreading his legs wider. As he jerked in slow motions, your tongue swiped around his hole, earning a shuddering sob from him.

His sac fell on the bridge of your nose as you helped him to stroke himself. You were eating him, and smirked as his moans turned urgent. You released one of his testicles with a gentle suck and smirked

"Hands off."

"Verga..." He rubbed his warm and flushed face in frustration. It was the second time you edged him, "I'm not appreciating you playing with me like this" (Shit)

"Relax, I want you to enjoy"

"I was until you stopped"

His voice a breathless and annoyed mumble

You stood from the bed to reach for the toy you had bought the moment he agreed. A buzzing double strap on. The outer end was just the right size to reach his sweet spot without hurting him, a first timer dildo. The inner one aligned perfectly into your spot.

Harness snuggly secured around your hips, a couple of lube squirts were poured on to the toy. Hand stroked and smeared the fruity smelling lube all over it.

You leaned to kiss him. His hands held you in place. A mix of himself and the sweet lube reminiscing on your mouth.

"I'll be gentle, ok?" He nodded in between kisses.

A new wave of thrill bolted through your body as you added some pillows underneath him for leverage. The strap perfectly aligned with his glistening hole.

"Give me slow strokes, Papa"

With a sigh, he cupped his hefty cock once more, the sensation of your gloved fingers made his body to shudder once more. His eyes widened softly as you rubbed the tip of the toy against his hole. Fingers left him to be replaced by the slick toy.

"Breathe" You cooed as you pushed in a couple of inches, allowing his muscles to assimilate the gentle intrusion.

"Does it hurts?"

He inhaled sharply and shook his head.

"Are you sure?"

Your hips stilled for a moment as your hands kneaded his inner thighs. His hand stroked himself slowly, but tightened the grip at his base.

"Yeah"

Smiling, your hips resumed their movements. Slow, deliberate circles that made the toy move carefully inside his tightness. You added another inch deeper when you noticed his breathings turned a bit more laborious.

"You're such a good boy, Papa"

The friction and the constant waves of pleasure the buzzy contraption oozed into your bodies made his strokes tighter, and your legs to quiver for a second.

His pants turned louder, turning into groans as you added another inch. His eyes closed shut at your careful and loving thrusts, Hips rocking in pliable, mild movements. His skin shook ever softly at your pushing.

His fangs bit his bottom lip when his strokes turned a bit faster, Your hands held him by his waist and you groaned.

Even though the toy inside you could never compare to his flushed and mouthwatering cock, it offered enough stimulation to make you whimper.

Mewlings and needy sounds coming from you and Miguel made it all ten times better when he bucked his hips and his eyes clamped shut when you prodded at his sweet spot. The sound his mouth did had you hissing and biting your own lip at the sight of him.

Front bangs falling into his flushed face, eyes rolling at the back of his head as sweat collected on his chest by the constant jerking. Mouth agape, panting and mumbling shy praises at your movements.

"Just like this, mi amor?"

A breathless yes.

Even though your walls quivered and milked the toy by the vibrations, your focus still remained on him and his own pleasure that only heightened by the strong vibrations on his toy's end.

"G-Gonna cum"

His words urged you to prod at the little nub of nerves that had him groaning your name.

One of his hands went above him, holding onto the headboard as his other pumped himself in a way that sent him sputtering inchorent lewd spanglish mumbles.

He choked. as you helped him cum by stroking your hand above his. Sweaty foreheads colliding, gaze locked on eachother.

"Come for me, Papa"

Your hand kept pumping and he moaned into your mouth as thick, hot blobs of fresh cum spurted from him, and rolled down your wrist, a few streaks nested on his happy trail and lower abdomen

You kissed him as you pulled out as gently as you entered

"Fuck" He mumbled against your lips. Hot breath fanning against yours, muscles spasming and shuddering as he rode his high. You could only smile with an endearing look at his blissful face

You kissed him once more. A few I love you's scurrying off his mouth.

"Love you too, mi amor"

#miguel o'hara #miguel o'hara x reader #miguel o'hara x you #atsv miguel #soccer family ⚽🕷️#t writes✨#sub miguel o'hara #gentle fdom #gentle fdom reader #dom reader #assassins fluff #miguel o'hara smut #atsv smut #spiderman 2099 smut

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yan-critter · 4 months

Text

Anon request for a Scara fic! Hope you enjoy :)

Yan!Scaramouche x GN!Reader (Smut, Dubcon, Scara 'hates' you, No gendered terms but reader is receiving)

As a skirmisher, your only honor is in serving your harbinger to their utmost satisfaction. Which is why you can’t help but feel wronged when the weight of Scaramouche’s disdainful glares follow you around every corner.

You absently wonder if it was something you did, perhaps a mistake you made while out on an assignment with your fellow soldiers. ‘Or maybe something I didn’t do?’.

But before you can think yourself in circles, your hair stands on end at the now familiar feeling of his gaze. You quickly turn on your heel, standing at attention hoping he’ll pass your group by. It seems the Tsaritsa does not favor you today though, and you accidentally meet his eye, wincing when he stops and frowns at you. You’re used to this by now, bracing yourself to get berated and hoping to just grit your teeth and get it over with.

He pauses, staring for a moment with a look that you don’t recognize. You cock an eyebrow and he scoffs, but it only makes you more confused.

“Follow me, we’re doing a review of your training. You’ve been especially disappointing this week, and it’s getting on my nerves.”

Oh. That’s new.

As you awkwardly trail behind him, you almost feel… hopeful. While his comment was a little rude, at least he didn’t yell or make you do some insane punishment like the other lords. Yes, this was an improvement, and he was even going as far as personally retraining you! You let a small grin slip, excited to redeem yourself and return to Scaramouche’s good graces. Who knows, you might even find out why he hated you so much.

But..

This isn’t the way to the training hall.

★━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━★

This was not part of your training.

You grunt, faced now pressed against the cool tile of Scaramouche’s quarters as the man ruts into you from behind. You squeeze your eyes shut, biting your lip as he speeds up, taking on an almost impossible pace while your body rocks with his movements.

He leans over to whisper in your ear, caging you in as he repeats what he’s been babbling on about for nearly an hour now.

“I hate you, I hate how easily you burrowed into my mind and I hate how much I like it.”

He gives an especially harsh thrust and you whine, nails scraping uselessly at the floor in an attempt to ground yourself. You’re losing it now, any coherency eclipsed by the unending pleasure as you begin going slack beneath him.

“I hate that I need you”

Scaramouche’s hips stutter, and you know he’s close. His arm wraps around your midsection for purchase, gripping you as he continues his assault on your twitching heat with a newfound vigor.

You choke on a moan, eyes watering as you can feel your own climax approaching. You tighten around him and he huffs, eyebrows furrowing in concentration. His thrusts are sloppy now, frantic and losing rhythm as he chases his orgasm.

He gives one final push, sinking in all the way to the hilt as he comes, and the feeling of his warmth filling you has you coming undone in seconds. Your eyes roll back and you whimper, pushing back into him as your combined spend drips to the floor in a puddle.

He sits back and turns you around, pulling you into his lap as you curl into his chest in exhaustion. His grip is possessive, holding you tight against him like he’s afraid you’ll leave, though it’s not like you can with how sore you are.

The fatigue is catching up with you now, and as you begin to fall asleep, you think you faintly hear Scaramouche say something. But you are far too tired to understand it, and before long you're drifting off. He hums, an unhinged grin adorning his face as he stares at your spent form secure in his arms. Taking one last moment to admire your face, he nuzzles into you and sighs.

“Not even the gods can take you from me now."

#yandere male #yandere x reader #yandere smut #gn reader #yandere genshin impact #yandere genshin x reader #yandere scaramouche #yandere scaramouche x reader #scaramouche smut

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spreadyovrwings · 1 month

Text

Honey, I Can Feel Your Pain

A late night heart-to-heart before the end of the world. Or, two idiots try to talk about their feelings but they’re both demons and not very good at it.

Pairing: Alastor x Reader

Warnings: my writing/me trying to navigate a complicated character, i cringe therefore i am

A/N: literally just ignore me lol i wanted to see if i could write Alastor well so this is something of a personal challenge and a warm up for me (and i’m obsessed with him) so hopefully i’ve done him justice. there’ll be a part two if anyone wants one!

Chapter One

The door to Alastor’s studio was always locked to everyone but you. You weren’t sure how he did it. He was a complete technophobe, so a hidden camera was out of the question. Perhaps he’d cast some sort of spell or could sense you coming. You weren’t sure. All you knew was that if you needed to see him, and Alastor permitted it, his door was always open.

That night, the radio tower was dark and still, the only sound a slow, jazzy number sent oozing over the city and into people’s homes.

You found Alastor at his sound desk, one long finger poised idly on a bakelite dial, as if debating whether to alter the sound his tower produced. His ever-present smile was fixed in place but his lips were closed, his deep red eyes focused.

You tapped your foot against the floor, once, twice, three times, announcing your presence as gently as you could so as not to disturb him too abruptly. It didn’t matter that Alastor had to let you in in the first place, it always seemed impolite to come barging in.

He didn’t look up as you approached but you could tell you had his attention, and when you put your hand on the back of the chair next to his, a question, he answered with a short nod.

“Are you alright?”

Alastor barely moved, his eyes fixed on the glowing buttons and dials in front of him.

“Fine, fine.”

He spoke faintly, airily, with no hint of static, as if he were lost in thought. You couldn’t help feeling like you’d interrupted a private moment.

“It’s just you’ve been locked away in your room for days now.”

“Hard at work! Nothing more.”

As if to prove a point, Alastor wrapped his long fingers around the dial and adjusted the volume, then slid his fingers along the desk to conjure up the next song.

This tune was a lot more uptempo. It wasn’t like Alastor to be so sloppy, you must really have caught him off-guard.

Alastor seemed to realise his mistake too. He turned to you, leaning back in his chair, exuding a confidence and poise that many envied and few saw through.

“Is there something I can help you with, my dear?”

His attention was yours. Too late to go back now.

“You’ve been quiet ever since Charlie came back from Heaven.”

“Well, I-”

“And you don’t go quiet,” you pressed on, refusing to let him chart the course of your conversion. “So what’s wrong?”

The two halves of his face told two different stories. Alastor’s eyes were fiery and guarded, he didn’t like being questioned but you’d cornered him. Below, his smile stretched his skin. You wondered if it hurt.

“I’ve been reviewing the situation,” he said after a thoughtful pause, every word considered and weighed.

“You’ve missed dinner four nights in a row for that? I made all your favourites to try and entice you down, you know.”

Alastor hummed. He wasn’t listening.

“Do you know, for almost one hundred years, I have lived here quite happily. I’ve carved out a nice little niche for myself. And then the princess started getting bright ideas…”

Alastor’s long fingers danced over the faders again but he didn’t move any of them. It seemed to be the habit of a lifetime. Two lifetimes.

“The angels… Unsettled me. And you’re quite right, I don’t get unsettled. It required meditation.”

“The angels unnerved you?”

“Unsettled. But I suppose there’s not much point arguing over semantics. Either way, the result n’est pas bon, cher.”

“What did they say that unsettled you?”

One of Alastor’s ears flicked in irritation. It was a rare thing for him to give away even that much. It was a particular kind of personal hell, for him to have a body that could betray him so visibly. He could rattle everyone with his big grin, he could even hide pain behind walled eyes, but the attributes given to him, gifted to him, shackled to him, when he fell, weren't so easy to control.

“It’s not quite that simple, my dear. The angels are all bluster and hollow virtues. I care very little about what they have to say, the self-righteous...”

He took a breath.

“But then they halved the time till the next Extermination. It’s of little consequence to me. They’re clever enough to leave me alone most of the time and if any angels do try their luck, well, they’re quietly done away with. Plus, it’s just plain old good sport to watch the show.”

You smiled.

“Might have to disagree with you there, handsome.”

Alastor laughed humourlessly, a dry, sharp sound like a bow pulled roughly against violin strings.

“That’s just it, I might too. The issue is… Now it’s only a few weeks away…”

The song changed. Low, smooth, like sand through an hourglass, a single trumpet groaned into life, filling the room before disintegrating and travelling along the airwaves. Was it a distraction? Was Alastor struggling to hold his focus? Who knew? Maybe not even him.

“Alastor,” You leaned forward in your chair, undeterred by his hesitancy. “What’s wrong?”

His gaze slowly slid to you. The close-mouthed smile was back. It was the closest he ever came, or ever could come, to relaxing his expression completely.

“It usually doesn’t bother me,” Alastor murmured, his words barely audible over crackling static.

You frowned.

“But this time it did?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

Alastor’s nose wrinkled.

“Because before, I didn’t have you. It was easier. I’ve never relied on anyone or had anyone relying on me. Now there’s the hotel, its inhabitants…”

You remedied the sting with a vacant smile of your own.

“When you say ‘you’, you mean all our friends?”

Alastor shook his head.

“No. No, I was attempting to obfuscate.”

“Oh.”

Alastor stared at you. You stared back. Then, with a clang, the penny dropped.

“Oh!”

“Mm.”

“Oh, dear.”

“Quite.”

You smiled at his sour expression. Your own face was burning but you bravely ignored it.

Your relationship with Alastor had been a nebulous, vague sort of a thing. He was a terrifying colleague to have at the hotel, and at first, you couldn’t be sure why in Hell he was there. He liked to watch others struggle, suffer, and fail miserably, it was all just good entertainment for him. But that couldn’t be all there was behind his sudden interest.

As soon as you figured out that Alastor served himself and himself only, things became a lot clearer, and it was a lot easier to like him. You didn’t have to worry about trusting him, because you couldn’t. You didn’t have to question his motives, you knew they were ill-intentioned and that you were better off not knowing. He liked to pretend he was oh so mysterious, but Alastor was perhaps the most honest person in the hotel.

Mutual respect grew into friendship, into something more. You often went out with Alastor when he required assistance or just wanted some company, and you were always the first person he came to when he got home.

Slowly, incrementally, that trust bloomed. Alastor began to ask for your opinion. You would sit together in companionable silence, reading by the fire long into the night. He didn’t need to ensnare and trick and manipulate you, because you did things for him happily and without question, though within reason.

He was always honest with you, or at least, as honest as he could be without it endangering his own self-preservation. And you respected that. It was a harsh world, you had to look out for yourself, but slowly, so slowly that neither you nor your friends had noticed until it was too late, Alastor had bound his life to yours.

You hadn’t appreciated the depths of that connection. You’d always known you had a soft spot for him, ill-advised as it was, but never in all that remained of your afterlife could you have anticipated a requited affection.

Alastor interlocked his fingers and rested them in his lap, keeping his composure well considering the situation.

“It pains me to think of you in danger.”

You couldn’t help it, you laughed quietly.

“Steady now, Alastor. You sure know how to sweep someone off their feet.”

He’d never rolled his eyes at you, he was far too refined for that, but Alastor gave his equivalent, waving an airy hand at you and soldiering on.

“We have always been close, you and I. Right from the start.”

“That’s not how I remember it but…” You smiled. “I like to think of us as a little team.”

He brightened, his pained smile morphing into something a little more authentic.

“Exactly! A team! But what was once companionship and, admittedly, amusement-”

“Do you mean we have fun together or do you mean amusement at my expense?”

Alastor waved his hand again.

“A little of column A, a little of column B.”

“Wonderful.”

“What I mean to say is… My feelings have evolved somewhat.”

In all the time you’d spent with him, you’d never known Alastor to be so hesitant. In fact, you couldn’t remember a time when you’d seen him show any sign of apprehension. His stitched-on smile was still intact but his clawed fingers drummed against the sound desk and his gaze had been lost in safer ground, somewhere over your shoulder.

“Evolved into what?”

Though your heart was thudding in your ears, you didn’t hesitate to push him. You thought one of the reasons Alastor had grown to enjoy your company so much was that you liked to talk, as well as listen. He got bored so easily and he’d always been a chatterbox; you were one of the few people in his life who could match him in that without any sign of fear or an ulterior motive.

Alastor’s ear flicked again. This was a hard conversation for him.

“The Extermination meant nothing to me before. But now, the thought of it…”

You watched his eyes grow unfocused as his imagination consumed him. His fingers stopped drumming. The song on the radio rose by a few decibels.

“Alastor, it’s okay-”

“It frightens me. And it’s not about self-preservation this time. When I consider how our companions may fare…”

“They’ll be okay.”

“What if I can’t protect you?”

Sensing you might need to ease off, take a breath, anything, you leaned in closer, reaching out for him but never, ever touching him without asking first. Instead, you rested your hand beside his on the desk.

“I don’t need protection, Alastor.”

“Still, I want to keep you safe, my darling. There’s a… A sharp tug here…”

He pressed one clawed hand against his empty chest.

“And here…”

He dragged the same hand down to the pit of his lean stomach.

“When I think about you in any kind of danger.”

How did he always manage to be so charming, even when he didn’t mean to be?

You barely held back a pleased smile. Like Alastor’s, it tugged at the corners of your mouth, threatening to spill over into a stupid, happy grin.

He didn’t have the language for what he felt, that was fine. You and Alastor had always found a way to communicate, even without words. He’d told you more with one gesture than you ever could have expected him to say aloud.

But it wasn't just unexpected, it was completely astonishing. You couldn’t let him sense that though, it might make him retreat into himself. So instead, you turned it back around on him, letting Alastor choose how much he wanted to give away.

“What do you think that could be?”

“I have an idea. But I dread to think.”

Alastor’s eyes narrowed slightly, and you knew you were on the same page.

It would be difficult for him, far more than it had been for you, to pin down and explore and accept the feelings you had for each other. You hadn’t been able to figure out a better word for whatever it was that fizzled between you, though, like Alastor, you had a sneaking suspicion and it terrified you.

Nothing sounded right. Logically, you knew there were some words that ought to fit, but acknowledging them felt like wearing someone else’s shoes.

You couldn’t imagine how difficult it must be for Alastor to come to terms with it all. So it surprised you when he slid his hand over yours.

It wasn’t the first time you’d touched, he was always holding out his arm for you, patting the top of your head, often even lifting your hand to his lips when he greeted you in the mornings or bade you goodnight. But this wasn’t a fleeting brush of his hand against yours, this was sustained, purposeful contact, and it meant something, to both of you.

Alastor’s gaze still couldn’t meet yours, so he stared at your hands, his close-mouthed smile back in place.

“I’ve grown quite fond of you,” he said quietly, and it was just his voice you could hear, no static, no sound effects, just Alastor.

You smiled.

“I’ve grown quite fond of you too, handsome. I get the same feeling.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, all the time.”

“Oh, well, that’s reassuring, at least.” Alastor finally met your eyes, his head tilted quizzically to one side. “Have you told anyone?”

“What, and admit I’m in love with the Radio Demon? No thanks, I’d never live it down.”

Feedback shot through the room, a grating, warped sound, like someone had held a microphone too close to a speaker. It was hard to tell if the sound emanated from the mixing desk or from Alastor himself, but his scarlet eyes were wide.

His hand tightened over yours, though it was more likely out of surprise than him trying to give you comfort. The tips and edges of his sharp claws dug into your skin, not enough to hurt, but it still made your jaw clench.

Alastor, to his credit, didn’t seem as put off by the admission than you might’ve expected. Maybe he wasn’t surprised by the actual sentiment, just that you’d finally said the words out loud.

You smiled.

With just a week or so left until an Extermination that would surely kill you all, there wasn’t much room left in your damned soul for shyness. It wasn’t an all-out ‘if this is my last chance to say it’ confession. You and Alastor had always appreciated candour, and with so little time left, why not say what you were both thinking?

“Have you spoken about it with anyone?”

Alastor shrugged.

“Well, yes, I’m doing it now.”

“No, I meant someone you can trust. Someone you can talk about your feelings with.”

Alastor watched you blankly.

A second penny dropped.

“Oh.”

You had to resist the urge to shiver under his heavy stare.

“You couldn’t talk to Rosie?”

“I considered it but, bless her heart, my old friend can be a sentimentalist. No, best just to get to the source of the problem.”

“Alastor…”

You huffed, pretending to be insulted, and Alastor’s smile once again looked a little more real. It met his eyes, open, unguarded and calm.

“So, what would you like to do about it?”

“Hmm,” Alastor raised the hand that had covered yours to tap one long finger against his chin. “Any chance you’d let me lock you away in a secret, impenetrable bunker?”

Your smile grew.

“Sorry, honey.”

Alastor tutted.

“I thought as much.”

“Do you have one of those?”

“Hm?”

“A secret, impenetrable bunker.”

“That’s for me to know and you to find out, my dear. You’ll just have to be particularly careful. And perhaps this… Feeling will go away with time.”

You smiled, barely resisting the urge to roll your eyes.

“Perhaps it will.”

“When I’m right, I’m right, my darling.”

”That’s not the expression and you know it.”

Master List

#alastor #hazbin hotel #alastor x reader #alastor x you #alastor fic #hazbin hotel fic

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