#neil always blaming billy

[ickypuppi3]

it’s the way neil called billy that specifically in reference to billy’s appearance/billy caring about his appearance

makes you wonder how often that happens

and when it started

because i can just imagine it being a thing

like people spreading rumours about billy at school when he was younger and neil just pulls the whole “if you didn’t dress like that” “if you didn’t look like that” “there’s a reason people think you’re one of them”

and the way it can tie into the whole victim blaming “you were asking for it” mentality.. it’s just interesting to think about

[every-dayiwakeup]

It's the neglect to add context (explanation) to Billy's behavior for me.

How can you be so ignorant as to leave out that he was possessed through most of season 3?

@imsodishy

@ickypuppi3

@local-redhead-bookworm

@stranger-rants

@martyreasemymind

@mrsblackruby

@memes-saved-me

@vhagar-apologist

[venusjaynie]

not him

billy hargrove x pregnant!reader

summary: you're 8 months pregnant and billy couldnt be happier. but even though he's excited for your little ball of sunshine to finally make his appearance, he's got some concerns.

warnings: neil hargrove, mentions of past abuse, mentions of child abuse, billy has abandonment issues and nightmares, some swearing, insecurity from both reader and billy hurt/comfort, lots of fluff (of course)

A/N: i think billy would be so worried about being a dad when you have your first kid. he doesn't want to end up like neil, and he doesn't want you to have to leave like his mother did :(

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When you first told Billy that the two of you are having a baby, he was freaked as fuck.

You were only 18 at the time, and he had just turned 19. The both of you always said you would wait until marriage to have children, and you didn't really have the money to support a kid at the time. Neither of you were prepared for the pregnancy happen, your being apartment cramped enough as it is with just the two of you, but as scared as you may have been, there was still an overwhelming amount of joy that took over you.

It took a couple of days for Billy to let the news sink in, and when he really thought about it, he was ecstatic. Now the excitement hasn't necessarily subsided for Billy, per say. It's just that, along with all that bubbling anticipation, he's doubting his skills of fatherhood, because he literally doesn't have any. Not yet anyway.

Billy doesn't plan to open up about his concerns, mainly because he's embarrassed, but also because you have more than enough on your plate being pregnant and all, and he doesn't want to burden you with some silly insecurities which he thinks will go away after a few weeks.

He's wrong.

They don't go away: if anything, they get worse. The closer you get to having your baby, the more worried he becomes. He's had to sleep on your couch, or not at all, because he's woken up in cold sweats after nightmares about Neil, or sometimes, he'll dream that he's the one mistreating his kid. Billy doesn't tell you, though. When he has these dreams, he wakes up, kisses your forehead gently, and tip-toes to the living room, where he sits on the couch and calms himself back down, before curling up on the soft seat and trying to get a couple more hours of sleep in before you wake up.

Billy thinks what he's doing is for the best, but what he doesn't realise is that every time you wake up in bed without Billy beside you, the rejections stings like a bee.

Pregnancy has had a real knock on your confidence, and you often worry Billy doesn't see you the way he used to. He had been more than supportive in every way, until the couch crashing started. You had been about 5 months pregnant, your bump very visible, and everything had been fine, until you went to bed. At around 4 in the morning, you had felt nauseous, and woke up to tell Billy you were going to the bathroom, but when you rolled over to face him, he wasn't there. Initially, you panicked, and you got up and left your bedroom to look for him, but as you got closer to the living room, however, you heard the TV quietly playing, and saw Billy fast asleep on the couch. You couldn't help the tears that sprung to your eyes at the sight of him being so content sleeping somewhere else instead of with you, but you just blamed that on your heightened hormone production and emotions. You didn't mention it to him the next day, thinking it was a one off occasion, but soon enough you found him on the couch 3 times a week, and then it was almost every night.

After 3 months of him sleeping on the couch from the early hours of the morning, you decide enough is enough. So you choose to confront him when he comes home from work.

At around 6, the time Billy's shift is over, you go to the kitchen and check on the dinner you've prepared. During your maternity leave you've taken to cooking and baking most days, and you're glad you have. It gives you something to do, and you've gotten pretty good at it, or so Billy says anyway.

Checking on the lasagna that's in the oven, you have to wipe your sweaty palms on your apron. You're honestly quite nervous to confront him. As much as you're ready to get to the root of the situation, you're terrified that he's going to turn around and tell you that he doesn't want this, doesn't want you, anymore.

It's 6:15 when Billy walks through the door, and he's not empty handed. He has a pink bouquet in his clutch, and you don't fail the notice how, even after all the bunches of flowers he's bought you over the years, the gesture still makes your stomach do a flip-flop.

"Hey, sweetheart." He doesn't hesitate to make his way to you and plant a big kiss on your lips, and you smile at him. It doesn't quite reach your eyes, however, and Billy notices. "You okay?" You nod in response. He eyes you wearily.

"I'm okay, babe, just tired." He doesn't believe you at all, but he doesn't push.

"These are for you. I saw them on my way this mornin' and they reminded me of you. Picked them up on the way back."

"Thank you, you're very sweet."

"Only for you." Usually a cheesy line like that would have you blushing and giggling at him, but not today. He doesn't even get so much as a breathy chuckle in return, just a half-hearted smile. And with that, he knows something is wrong. You go to turn back to the food you're preparing, but Billy stops you. "Hey, look at me." You do as he says, and he immediately notices the unshed tears in your eyes. "Baby, what's going on?" He reaches for your hand, and you don't pull away.

"Nothing, nothing. I'm alright, just hormones." You try to smile through your tears, but you think it probably comes out as more of a grimace than anything else.

"I don't believe you one bit. Tell me what's wrong, sweetheart."

"Billy, I'm really fine, just drop it." You say, snapping slightly.

He drops it.

You hand him his dinner plate and he makes his way to the table. You do the same, and Billy starts his usual retelling of his day. As much as you try to listen and engage, you're too busy thinking about what you're going to say to him, and Billy notices.

"Honey? Are you listening?" His concerned voice snaps you back into reality and you realise you haven't been paying attention.

"Sorry, Billy. Yes, I'm listening. Just zoned out for a second." He raises an eyebrow at your response.

"Okay, what's going on? Are you tired? Nauseous?"

"No, no it's not that. It's, uh, I just-" You stop yourself with a sigh, thinking it's best to pull yourself together a bit before you have this conversation. Taking a deep breath, you bite the bullet, "Why don't you sleep in our bed anymore?"

Billy looks shocked, then confused, then guilty, then a whole mix of other emotions that you're too tired to decipher.

"You noticed, huh?"

"Yeah, I noticed! Billy, you haven't slept a full night in our bed for 2 months. What the hell is wrong? Am I that repulsive to you that you can't even bare to sleep in the bed with me?" You know that's just the hormones talking, you didn't mean to say that, but you're curious anyway.

"What? No, of course not. That's not it at all." Billy's quiet when he talks, almost shameful. "Is that really what you think?" You nod. "Oh, god, honey, that's not what I think at all. You're beautiful. You've always been beautiful."

"Then why are you sleeping on the couch every damn night?"

"Baby, I-" He cuts himself off and rakes a hand through his hair, tugging a little out of stress. "C'mere, let's sit on the couch, 'kay?" He reaches for your arm, but you shy away from his touch, preparing yourself to be let down by what he has to say. Instead you walk over to your couch and Billy follows behind you like a kicked puppy.

Once settled on the couch, you don't say anything, waiting for Billy to explain his behaviour. He takes a deep breath, and stares at his hands, before speaking.

"I, uh- ever since we- Jesus Christ." His hand rakes through his hair again, and you can tell this isn't easy for him to say. Something in the back of your mind tells you that you were expecting the worst explanation, and that it isn't true, so you reach up and take his hand, linking your fingers with his and softly stroking your thumb on the back of his hand. He looks up at you, his eyes shining slightly.

"Take your time, it's alright. I'm in no rush." He sends you a small, grateful smile and does his best to blink back any tears threatening to leak from his eyes.

"You know how excited I am for our baby, right?" Billy says, and you nod your head. "Good. I'm so fuckin' stoked for us to have a kid. But for the past few months, I've been... having doubts." You're previously sympathetic looks contorts into one of confusion, and hurt. "Not those kind of doubts. Trust me, I wouldn't leave you to look after our kid all alone. I swear. I'm just seriously doubting my ability to be a dad."

"What's making you doubt yourself so much?"

"Neil." The name on Billy's tongue makes you still for a second. "I haven't been able to sleep lately because I keep having nightmares. And it's so stupid, 'cause I know he can't get me but I- God, I'm just so scared that I'm gonna turn out like him."

"You won't." Is all you say in reply.

"How do you know?" He asks quietly.

"Because I know you. I've known you since we were, what? 6?"

"5, actually."

"Exactly. Baby, I've known you forever, and I know that you're nothing like Neil. You wouldn't hurt a kid, and especially not your kid."

"But what if I get really angry and-" He cuts himself off with a hitch in his throat. "I don't wanna do something stupid, and I don't want my stupid actions to make you leave." He says the last part quietly, and it breaks your heart a little.

"Oh, Billy, is that what you're worried about? Me leaving?" He doesn't look at you, but you can tell by the way his mouth drops into a frown that he's confirming your suspicions. You can't help but wrap your arms around his neck, and he wraps his around your torso in response, gripping onto you like a vice. "I'm not gonna leave, and I'll tell you that as many times as it takes for you to believe me, alright?" Billy hugs you impossibly tighter. "And getting angry is normal. You've been angry at me before, right?" He nods into your neck. "And you've never laid a hand on me, right?" He nods firmly. "So I know you'd never hit our baby." You pull away from him slightly to look at him. His glassy eyes can't meet yours, so you press a kiss to his cheek and whisper, "I love you."

"I love you. So much." Billy's shaking hands make their way to your stomach, and he gently rubs in small circles with his thumbs. "I love you, too, kiddo." He manoeuvres his way to the floor into a crouching position and presses a soft kiss to your belly before standing back up and pulling you up with him. His arms snake around your waist and you lean into him, basking in the quiet of the moment, knowing that in a month there will be 3 of you. The thought makes your smile into Billy's chest, and you feel him kiss your temple lovingly. The guy couldn't hurt a fly, and you'll do everything you can to prove it to him, no matter how long it takes for him to believe you.

--------------------------------------------------------

i haven't even proof read this but here 🤗

[hopelessrromantix]

kinktober day 10 boot riding

daddy kink, amab reader yes ill post the missing days i swear sjdkf

cis women dni

The longer you stayed at a party, the more boring it got.

Sure, getting drunk and high and fucking around with your classmates was a good time. But after hours of huddling together with sweaty drugged up teenagers and having generic music blasted into your ears, it got a bit boring.

But Billy always found a way to make it more entertaining. Normally by pulling off a rather impressive keg stand. For once, he’d offered to be the designated driver (mostly because you’d done it for the past four parties and refused to do it again), so you were downing your second drink, talking to some junior you barely knew. The buzz of a high was clouding your head, though it wasn’t enough to impair your judgment.

But apparently your boyfriend felt like pissing you off tonight.

Eventually the junior wandered off, probably to flirt with someone interested. Billy, on the other hand, was chatting up some girl from your math class. You didn’t remember her name, but you most certainly remembered the way she talked to Billy.

She gave a fake laugh, making sure to lean forward and give him a decent view of her cleavage. Not that you blamed her for trying to sleep with your boyfriend. Billy was pretty, and it’s not like she knew he had a boyfriend. So no, you didn’t hold any resentment toward the girl.

Billy, on the other hand, was in a world of hurt.

He had every chance to turn her down. Every chance to make up some half-assed excuse or just plain tell her he wasn’t into it. But no. He joked and gave her some cheesy pick-up line. The brat even had the nerve to look your way while he was doing so, giving you a wink.

You watched for a minute longer, waiting for him to make some excuse to leave. But when it was obvious he had no plans of doing so, you decided to step in for him.

“C’mon Hargrove, you’re my ride home.” Luckily your head was clear enough to make walking out easy.

Billy frowned, trying to look as disappointed as possible. “Already? But I was having fun!” The girl next to him looked sad as well, as if begging you to let him stay longer.

“Sorry, I gotta get up early tomorrow,” You said, shrugging. Tomorrow was Saturday, neither you nor Billy had anything to do. But she didn’t need to know that.

“Fine, buzzkill.”

Billy, tap dancing on your last nerve, gave the girl a wink, causing her to let out an airy giggle. You rolled your eyes, stomping out of the house. You could hear Billy mumble what was most certainly a sarcastic comment under his breath.

You sat in the passenger seat the second he opened the door, waiting as he slid into the driver’s seat a second later.

After a second of him realizing you weren’t going to speak, he started driving, the music from the party fading into the background as he did so.

“Your mom and that bastard home?” You knew the answer was no. He’d made quite a big deal about getting the house to himself while Neil dragged his step-mom and Max on a ‘family outing’. Even with Max asking, Billy was left home alone.

“No, why?” He asked, glancing over to you before his eyes returned to the road. He was perfectly aware of ‘why’, you knew that much.

“Gonna let me stay over, pretty boy?” You asked, your tone low. He nodded, quickly taking a turn to head toward his house.

The trip was short and Billy got out of the car almost immediately after you arrived. You chuckled at how eager he was, fumbling with his keys in an attempt to get in quicker.

You followed closely, heading to Billy’s room without much hesitation.

The second you got in, you closed the door, pressing Billy up against a wall.

“You got some fuckin’ nerve, Hargrove,” you spoke quietly and quickly, though you knew he heard you from how he shivered. “You tryna get my attention, or just tryna whore around with some poor girl, hm?”

He shook his head rapidly, gulping down a breath.

Billy tried his hand at being a brat often. Always teasing you, getting your attention in public. But the second you were behind closed doors, he practically melted.

“Words, baby boy.”

“No, Daddy.”

God he knew what buttons to press.

“Then why were you flirting?” You spoke softly, loving how his eyes glazed over with lust when you did so. “Giving her hope for no reason. That just seems mean, baby.”

He made a noise of disagreement, shaking his head again. “Didn’t mean to, just wanted your attention.”

You chuckled. “No, you knew exactly what you were doing.”

He opened his mouth to protest, but you slammed your lips into his before he could. You took over the kiss quickly. His arms twined around your neck, one of yours on his hip and the other gripping his hair. You gave a soft tug to his hair, forcing a loud moan out of his throat.

You slotted one thigh between his legs, giving him the chance to messily rut against you. Both your pants were tight, his jeans no doubt uncomfortable at this point.

“Pleeease just fuck me.” He was practically begging, arms tightening around you. “Please, I’m sorry for flirting with her, I won’t do it again.”

You both knew damn well he’d do it again.

“I don’t think I feel like forgiving you yet, baby.” He huffed at your words, hips still moving against your clothed thigh.

“How about this,” You suggested. You placed your hands on his shoulders, lowering him to his knees and placing your boot between his legs. “You cum in under two minutes, and I’ll fuck you so hard you won’t remember your damn name.”

He nodded rapidly, head collapsing into your leg.

He moved his hands towards his jeans, only stopping when you firmly questioned what he was doing.

"I can't use my hands?" He asked, looking slightly hopeful. As if he'd get off that easy.

“If you really want me to fuck you, you can cum like this.”

He paused for a moment. “Like ‘this’?”

You smirked, tilting his head up slightly with one finger. “You think you can cum in your jeans for me?”

He shivered, nodding fervently.

"Good boy."

He started off slow, moving his hips against the firm leather of your boot. It was just enough stimulation for his sensitive cock. He was burying his face into your jeans, mouthing at your dick over the fabric. You just let him, watching as he desperately tried to get you to force your cock down his throat.

"One minute left." He whimpered.

His thrusts sped up, messily humping your boot in an attempt to get off. Barely decipherable mumbles of "please" "Daddy" and "more" tumbled out his lips, the words jumbled together and high pitched.

"You gonna cum, whore?" You asked, spitting out the term as if it was his name. He moaned, nodding.

"Please can I? Please Daddy? Wanna cum for you so you'll fuck me, please?"

You'd barely said yes before he buried his face into your thigh, hips stuttering and slowing. Cum slowly seeped through the fabric of his boxers, and suddenly he was thankful you'd waited until he was home to ruin him.

"Good job handsome," you said, leaving down and placing a surprisingly soft kiss on his forehead. "You get your reward now."

He was practically buzzing already.

[toobusybeingdelulu]

no because why do I have the feeling that the night at the Byers’ house steve needed that fight more than billy? think about it. When seeing Steve on the porch he immediately relaxes (leaning against the car, lighted cigarette, hand on the belt) while Steve is more closed off and tense (arms crossed etc).

Steve knew that that encounter would have ended in blood one way or another, while I don’t think that Billy did: he was just there to pick up his sister. His night had already been ruined. Not even a fight could fix it. And also he had to hurry up because Neil was waiting for him, and last but not least… I don’t think he had wanted to fight steve in the first place, despite what everyone may think. I’ve always had the impression that, in canon, he wanted to get to know him in a non-antagonistic way, but didn’t know how to properly… do that, you know? So yeah, a bit of advice on the basketball court, with just enough pushing to not give Steve the idea that he was some sort of pussy (after all, we‘ve seen how he was raised), then some compliments under the shower and a little bit of encouragement (‘don’t sweat it Harrington’ ‘today is just not your day man’ + side eye at Tommy when he teased him about Nancy + ‘don’t take it too hard man, a pretty boy like you has got nothing to worry about.’) and he probably thought that maybe he was doing a good job at it?

Well. Steve did not think so. How can we blame him tho? Let’s remember that Steve is in a hurricane of emotions in season 2: he just lost his spot as king of the crowds, his shot at a normal life and his girlfriend. And then there is this new boy (who is going through just as much of a change) who cannot stop being in his space, and being mean, and pushing him around, and how could he believe that he was being friendly? Of course he is gonna think that dude’s just being a dick for the sake of making his life hell, for some reason. Even the compliments he threw his way may sound as mocking for someone who had been told to his face by his girlfriend that he was nothing but bullshit.

So.. yeah. It’s safe to say that these two idiots did not understand each other, so a fight had been inevitable. And of course it was started by Steve. Because he is the one that had a different perception of Billy’s behaviors towards him than billy himself: maybe he thought that he would have fought him even if he had told him the truth. Or some reasonable lie. Either way, it would have been inevitable. but least he could have a little fun before the first punch, ergo the “were you dropped too much as a child or what?” Because what the duffers and even his fans don’t understand about Steve Harrington’s character is that he is still a former mean girl. No matter how hard they try to uwufying him. Did he change since s1? Sure. But that doesn’t mean he can’t be bitter. That he can’t be awful sometimes. And selfish. But that is fine!! Because that’s what made him interesting in the first place. And the night at the Byers’ had been one of those times. Did billy get out of line with his violence once started? Sure. But Steve threw the first punch. And he needed that fight, because unlike the monster in the fridge, THAT was something familiar. THAT was something normal teenagers did.

and the thing that makes this dynamic even more interesting? Is that Billy loved this side of Steve (“looks like you got some fire in you after all huh? I’ve been waiting to meet this king Steve everyone is telling me so much about”) Because, once again, it was something that he recognized.

In the end, they were both scared kids trying to find a bit of normalcy in each other’s blood in order to escape their respective monsters.

[half-oz-eddie]

Journaling Billy is so personal for me.

Billy with a gratitude journal that he writes in every time something good happens, or someone does something nice for him.

He got the journal from a nurse at the hospital post-starcourt, who thought it would be a nice way for him to pass the time, while also lifting his spirits and helping him realize how much love and kindness is around him, even if he doubts it.

It's just a blue, soft cover bound book, but he humors the nurse because she's got warm, pretty eyes and reminds him of his mom.

He uses it often, even after leaving the hospital.

Steve catches him writing in his journal one day, and Billy tells him it's fine if he reads the gratitude journal but not his diary.

Steve, of course, is dying to see what's in the journal, what Billy considers nice, and what good things have been happening to the love of his life.

Aug 1, 1985 Everyone came to see me. Even those kids Harrington always babysits. That's nice, right?

Aug 5 Harrington brought me some food from some burger joint. It was good. I guess he's nice even though I was kind of a dick to him.

Aug 21 Harrington showed up to drive me home. I don't know why he's being so nice to me. It pisses me off because I think he just feels sorry for me. I'm probably using this journal the wrong way but I don't care. I can't talk to anybody about this. I'm not feeling that grateful for shit today.

Aug 25 Max helped me with my pain medication. I thought she hated me. She acts like everything's fine. I have to admit I’m grateful what happened only stays in my nightmares and I wake up to a different reality.

Aug 29 Harrington called to check on me. Offered to come over and play cards. He doesn't have to keep pretending. I like the company, though.

Sept 10th Max tried to stay home from school to look after me. I'm doing a lot better so I didn't need the help. I still don't understand why everyone's being so nice after what I did. Sept 14th Felt strong enough to go out for some air on my own. Saw Sinclair and that other kid. Think his name's Dustin. They were on their bikes. They waved and asked how I was doing. Told them I was fine and they rode off. Do I deserve their concern? Sept 15th Sinclair came back while I was on the porch. Asked for Max. I told him he couldn't be here because of Neil. We waited for Max a few houses down and talked about basketball. He's trying out for the team so I gave him some advice. It was a nice conversation. Didn't feel forced at all.

Sept 20th I told Lucas I was sorry for what happened that night. He said he'd forgotten all about it. I know the little shit was lying, but I guess he forgives me. That was cool of him.

Sept 29th Lucas made the team and thanked me for the advice. I don't feel like I did anything.

Oct 4th I'm feeling better than ever. Driving around on my own again. Nobody seems to blame me for what I did, and everyone's nice everywhere I go.

Oct 11th Went to see El. She's always kind to me. She's like the little sister I never had. She made me some waffles.

Oct 15th Saw Harrington again. It was warm so we went swimming in his pool. I really missed the water.

Oct 29th Haven't been writing much down. It feels like I'm saying the same things over and over. Everyone's always nice to me. Dad's not bothering me anymore. I feel like I have a lot of support around me. For once I feel safe. Oct 31st Went to a halloween party with Harrington. First time having a beer in months. Got a little too drunk and we kissed. He didn't seem to hate it. I didn't either.

Nov 9th Finally talked to Steve again after the kiss. He asked if I wanted to go steady. I said no at first, then changed my mind. I'm glad I did.

Steve smiled as he read every entry. Every few days, Billy's entries were longer and longer. He talked about things that made him smile, people he met, and how much he appreciated the simplest things. It was an amazing transformation. He continued to read the entries, his eyes widening when he read the most recent one. January 12th 1986 I'm falling in love with Steve. I was hoping he’d say it first but he hasn’t said anything. Maybe I’m too hopeful. He treats me like he loves me too, I think. But I’m not sure. Steve quickly closed the book, feeling like he'd violated Billy's privacy by reading something he hadn't known before. "Why so quiet, Steve? You read yesterday's entry, huh?" "I—yeah. I thought maybe you wrote it in the wrong journal."

"I didn't. I was gonna tell you, I just...I dunno. I didn't want you to think I was trying to move too fast."

Steve laughed. "You have no idea how relieved I am."

Billy narrowed his eyes. "Why?"

"Billy, I've been in love with you for weeks."

Billy snorted. "You're such a sap, pretty boy."

They shared a kiss and Billy wrote in his journal about how grateful he was, to love and be loved.

January 16th On August 21st last year, I was wrong. I have everything to be grateful for.

▪️▫️▪️

A little something to show my gratitude for reaching 400 followers. I appreciate all of you ❤️

Also tagging some friends I’ve met here that really belong in my gratitude journal for all the kindness they’ve shown lately and their posts just make me smile.

@shieldofiron @monsterpegger001 @dragonflylady77 @harringroveera @bigdumbbambieyes @brightside-of-the-upsidedown @thatgirlwithasquid

[genderflu1dwh0r]

Are you stupid?

You can be racist and have POC friends, Jason is way worse than Billy any day. Jason isn't the one being abused by his father everyday, he isn't poor, he didn't get taken from his home and live with a step sibling that he didn't know that well.

Jason is a horrible person and got his friend to tackle Erica, then he held a gun at Lucas. You can't tell me that that isn't racist, you can't tell me that's worse than what Billy ever did. Jason said "I thought you were one of the good ones". That. Is. Racist.

Billy got his bad traits from his father. Billy got beat by his father. Billy was crying into the phone for his mom to come home. Billy had no support system. Steve was the only person that Billy bullied and tormented, and in my opinion, Steve is a worse character than Billy.

Steve threw slurs, while Billy got slurs thrown at him by his own father. Just because you don't care about abuse victims, doesn't mean you have to spread your hate.

I think that Billy just wanted Lucas to stop hanging around because if Neil found out, Billy would be the one getting beat. Neil would probably hurt Lucas way more than Billy could have ever done. Billy was protecting Max and himself, he was scared that Neil would find out. He did care and love Max, he just showed it in some confusing ways.

Also, the Duffer brothers are racist, they wanted Dacre to say the N word. Dacre protested and it ended up not happening. Billy saying the N word isn't canon, cause it didn't happen in the show. Stop always going to that excuse for him being a bad person. He never said any slur.

People say "if the actor wasn't hot, then people wouldn't have liked him" and I disagree. His character is very interesting. He has a backstory, he has trauma, he has an actual interesting plot unlike any other character. Dacre is also a very amazing actor, he was able to make Billy even more interesting.

Dacre has said that his art imitates his life. He put his own life into the character, he didn't have a great relationship with his dad, he has said this.

Max is a horrible person too, she drugged Billy with something that she didn't know was in, almost hit him with Steve's bat, screamed at him before leaving and stealing his car. Billy could have died on the floor, he was drugged and had no car. Tell me that that isn't abuse. Just because Billy grabbed her wrist ONE time, doesn't mean it's abuse.

Siblings fight all the time, it's just what happens. Especially how their family dynamics was. I and many others have fights with our siblings. You get over it in like a day. That doesn't make Billy a bad person. He did some really shitty things, yes. But that doesn't excuse all the hate he gets. He's a complex character, no other character is like him.

That's why he's my baby boy. I relate to him, I'm an abuse victim, I love knowing that I have a character to relate to. Stop blaming abuse victims on how they grew up, they can change. He could have changed if he didn't die. He could have, but nobody let him.

Nobody tried to help him. He didn't have a support system. The people who compare Jonathan to Billy are wild, cause Jonathan did have a support system, his mother did so much. Billy had nobody. His father beat him, hi stepmother did NOTHING to stop Neil, she just watched. She was clearly abused too, but she's the adult, she has to be there for Billy. She has to get Max away from all of this, which in season 4, she did. But she turned into an even worse mom.

Right here. He was trying to get help, he was trying to get the MF to get out. He wanted someone to help him. He kept fighting, and that's how he saved everyone on the day he died. He knew he was going to die, he was sobbing.

Try to think before talking bad against Billy.

Why do people say Vecna/Henry/Jason/Troy/James/Angela are better than Billy?

Vecna/Henry literally tried to kill children and the whole world. Billy wanted to have some fun and games, he would never go to prison for killing a child. He was never going to hit Mike, Lucas, Dustin, or Will.

Troy/James made Mike jump off of a fucking cliff while wanting to take Dustins teeth out. Tell me that isn't fucked. MIKE WOULD HAVE DIED IF EL WASN'T THERE!!

Jason held a fucking gun to Lucas's head and got Erica hurt. He sent a witch-hunt over Eddie and that ended up killing that poor boy. Literally, he was poor and Jason is a rich christian white boy. Tell me that isn't classist. Jason also did this to get information out of a kid.

Angela deserved the roller skate to the face for what she did to El. I would have done the same thing, El never deserved any of what she went through there.

Anyone going to object? Cause you can't, my points are spot on. Why aren't we gonna get mad at Jamie Campbell Bower over saying he relates to Vecna/Henry? If Dacre is bad for doing so, why can't we shame Jamie for the same thing?

I would count the MF taking over Billy like that as a reference of sexual assault. His body gets taken away from him, he is crying for help, he is scared and tried to tell someone. I've talked to SA survivors and they agree.

Anyway, I am pissed at Billy antis and I am just so done with them.

[sweet-demiboi]

Billy Hargrove x Male!Reader

Warnings: abuse and face slapping (Neil towards Billy), hurt-comfort (M!Reader and Billy), use of a homophobic slur (you guessed it: Neil), steamy making-out at first, but nothing sexual, so can be read as asexual/poc ig, also I feel like there are many grammar/spelling mistakes (it was late when I wrote it okay), and I took the dialogue between Neil and Billy (and Susan) from the series, it's basically copied word for word (hope that's okay) and put in my own/M!Reader's thoughts or feelings, trans friendly

This is not for Fem!Readers! You guys, go enjoy your own stuff, but please neither interact with this nor read it, thanks.

You couldn't be happier right now. You were sitting in your boyfriend's lap, making out with him in his bed.

Metal was playing in the background, but you didn't care for the music that much. Kissing Billy was far more important than listening to some tunes right now.

Your hands were on his neck and you could feel his caressing your waist. Billy started littering your neck in soft, open-mouthed kisses.

You brought your hands up in his hair with a smile, if somebody had told you three months ago that you would be in a relationship with Billx Hargrove, you would have sent them over to a psychatrist.

But here you were - you never would have thought Billy would be a soft guy either. He had been very hesitant at first though over the time he would demand hugs, cuddles, kisses and all that.

Not often verbally, he would rather sit a little closer to you, take your hand without a comment or throw some puppy-eyes at you.

You were always very glad to provide physical touch for him, always giving a little more than he had asked for. He never complained about it, but was rather happy that you took those steps for him.

Over that period of time he had slowly opened up to you about his situation at home. That his father was a douche-bag and his mom was gone.

You didn't blame him for not telling you right away, you knew that that could be very hard. You had let him take his time, never pressuring him to tell you something.

Except for when you found bruises while making out or wanting to have sex. You would stop everything you were doing to ask him if he's okay and who did that.

Then you would take care of these wounds as best as you could and shower him in love afterwards.

Over the time you had earned his trust bit for bit up until the point where you could communicate only through looks. You could tell by the way he was standing if he was comfortable or not, and by the way his voice sounded.

The more time you spent together the more Billy would talk about his issues and would listen to yours. It was kind of like you were healing together.

You came back from your thoughts when Billy sucked a hickey into the skin of your neck, which made you moan quietly. Your boyfriend chuckled and gave you a smug grin.

When he opened his mouth to say something you heard the door falling shut.

"Guys, we're home!", shouted a woman's voice, you could hear her walking up the hallway.

Billy's face twisted and you could make out an expression made of pure horror and fear. His pupils became as small as a needles head and he whispered "Shit", Billy's body was all tensed all of a sudden "Shit, shit, shit"

He shoved you off of him roughly, pushing you in the direction of his closet "Don't make a single sound", he demanded.

"Okay", you knew why he was so panicked and you were so angry at his father for being the reason.

"Not a single sound!", Billy looked behind him quickly, still an expression of fear in his eyes "Or he'll kill you", you only nodded at that, then Billy closed the door shut.

There was a knock on the door of his room "Billy?", clearly it was the voice from before. Billy's stepmom, you figured.

"Yeah, I'm a bit busy in here, Susan", Billy answered, you assumed that he was hiding all your stuff. For example, shoving your shirt and sneakers under his bed.

Billy looked around for anything he could have missed, because he was sure of his father tagging along and getting in his room sooner or later.

"Open the door! Right now!", there he was. An abusive man in all his glory.

Billy took one last deep breath and went across his room to let the two adults in.

"What's wrong?", he tried to keep up a facade of confidence but even over the music you could hear the fear. You prayed to every god above that his dad wouldn't notice.

"Why don't you tell us?", Neil definetly was already annoyed. And he sounded mean. You had never met that man before and this first impression wasn't a good one.

But to be honest after holding Billy in your arms, countless nights while he was crying his eyes out because of the abuse of his father, you didn't think there would be any chance for this man to seem nice to you.

"Because I don't know", answered your boyfriend.

"We can't find Maxine", that was the stepmom again - Susan? You didn't really care if that was her actual name.

"And her window is open", Neil.

Fuck, Billy sweared in his mind. His sister definetly needed to be more careful when she snuck out of the house.

He and Max were actually getting along pretty well over the past weeks. That was because of you, at least partially, as you thought of Max to be pretty cool. You had encouraged both of them to talk about their issues with each other so both would have a safe space/person to go to right in their house.

"Where is she?", of course Billy didn't know. How could he? He had been busy with kissing you, which he did not regret at all.

It should be Max taking responsibility here he thought to himself. He didn't understand why he was the one who would have to take care of here all day. It wasn't fair.

"I don't know", he answered truthfully

Neil scoffed at that "You don't know?"

"Look, I'm sure she just, I don't know", Billy turned away from his father, walking back into his room. He had to do something or else he would fucking break down from nervousness "Went to the arcade or something. I'm sure she's fine", he hoped.

Neil was going after him. The blonde needed a plan, one that would get him out of here. Almost automatically he grabbed his leather jacket he had thrown over a chair earlier and put it on. Now he would only need an excuse for going out.

"You were supposed to watch her", Neil sounded angry, crossed his arms and stood in the middle of the room like a demon on fire. Billy could basically feel his skin burning under his father's glance.

He sighed to relieve some tension and at the same time to seem authentic "I know, dad. I was.", and now he was going for it.

He would play risky: "It's just you guys were three hours late, and, well,", he needed an excuse, now "I have a date" His father wouldn't want to get to know that person anyway, so it was a pretty good idea for getting away from here. He would just have to get you out through the window or something.

"I'm sorry, okay?", he threw on the jacket and turned back to his father, ready to face whatever Neil would throw at him next. Verbally or physically.

"So that's why you've been staring at yourself in the mirror like some faggot instead of watching your sister?" True, Billy was dolled up more than a little and he was dating a guy, but his father didn't actually think that. He just wanted to insult his son. You were disgusted by that man's behavior.

And homophobia, of course. It was basically something every asshole had up his sleeve, as well as being a mysogynist and a racist.

Billy on the other hand, who had been thaught all of this in his childhood, was now open to women being smart and people of color not being evil. He had needed time to see through his prejudices and not treat these people differently, but it had been easier with your help.

"I have been looking after her all week, dad. Okay?", now Billy was just annoyed by all of this situation. He couldn't watch every step Max took.

His father looked at him flabbergasted, not being used to Billy talking back to him that much.

"If she wants to run off, then that's her problem, all right?"

Now he could actually talk about everything he thought, it didn't matter. He would be punished afterwards anyway: "She's 13 years old. She shouldn't need a full-time babysitter."

Billy turned to turn off his music "And she's not my sister!" He had only said that to show his father, that he wasn't responsible for everything Max did. And he was angry himself by now, too.

Hell, he didn't want to hold out his head for her every time she did something wrong. Because he would get punished for it physically mostly, and she would only have to listen to a half hearted, annoyed talk of her mom. It just wasn't fair.

Then there was a loud crash. Neil had shoved Billy against a shelf. You slapped a hand over your mouth to not let a cry out. Listening to your boyfriend getting abused hurt you in your deepest feelings. You felt incredibly sorry for Billy for having to suffer like that.

The blonde was now staring into his fathers eyes, keeping his chin high in an attempt to keep his cool. But in reality he could already feel the tears in his eyes.

For a few seconds there were only pants and grunts paired with the eyecontact. Billy could feel his heart going absolutely feral in his chest because he knew what would be coming now.

"What did we talk about?", asked Neil in an utterly calm voice. Billy didn't answer.

Then his father punched him right in the face. Leaving a red hand-print on his cheek.

You were in shock. You would jump out of the closet and fight Neil in an instant if you didn't know that that would make it only worse. So you stayed silent, your hand still over your mouth, choking down the tears.

You felt as if you weren't allowed to cry when clearly it was your boyfriend being abused. You wanted to help him, but you didn't know how. The only thing you could do was pray for this to be over soon.

Neil pulled Billy's face back in his direction by his chin, then he raised a finger at him and repeated his question with that calm voice again making you absolutely furious: "What did we... talk about?"

"Respect and responsibility", said Billy. He had to push the words out past his tears and he was sure of his eyes being all red by now.

"That is right.", Neil looked at his son without any emotion a father should feel towards his child. Billy's stomach always hurt from that look. It was that look which made him feel unloveable.

You had changed that. But right now he couldn't remember the softness of your voice when you told him again and again, or your hands treating his body like the finest treasure in the world. Your eyes when they looked at him with pure admiration or when you showed your love with soft lips on his skin.

You would make sure of him remembering all of that later, for sure.

"Now, apologize to Susan."

Billy looked in the eyes of his father and a few long seconds passed before he choked out a "I'm sorry, Susan."

"It's okay, Neil, really-" You almost chuckled at that statement bitterly. Was that woman still thinking of her behavior being okay? Did she think she couldn't do anything about this situation anyway?

You hoped she didn't feel okay, because it wasn't. She should do something about that abuse and you didn't understand what was holding her back.

She probably didn't care enough about Billy to do so. Which really made you hate her. He was only 17, almost 18. And this was going on for god knows how long. She should have protected that child.

But also, she must've been scared for Max to get hurt if she spoke up about it. That you could understand. And Neil was the attacker here. She helped him subconciously though with not doing anything.

It was too much to wrap your head around for now. You could do that later.

"No it's not okay.", said Neil "Nothing about his behavior is okay." Well, you thought In that case: Like father like son, huh?

Billy had done nothing wrong. You made a mental note for yourself to remind him of that fact as well.

"But he's gonna make up for it." Although Neil talked to Susan, he was looking into Billy's eyes while doing so, which made the blonde feeling even more bad.

"He's gonna call whatever whore he's seeing tonight and cancle their date." Luckily, Billy wasn't actually meeting anyone this particular evening. Well, he had, but Neil had already ruined it.

And Neil finally stepped back, now facing Susan. Billy took a shakey breath in. Having his personal space back felt good.

"And then he's gonna go find his sister.", Neil continued "Like the good, kind, respecting brother, that he is." He looked back at Billy with those hard eyes.

"Isn't that right, Billy?" The blonde, at this point, was so shaken up that he wasn't able to answer in the first place. His heart was racing, and his head spinning. He couldn't think clearly and there was a pain in his-

"Isn't that right?", his father asked, rather screamed, again. He stepped back in front of Billy whose eyes widened a little. He had to pull himself together a last time.

"Yes, sir.", his voice was quiet and he almost didn't hear it from the sound of rushing blood in his ears.

Neil didn't, either: "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you." He spoke just as silent as Billy, probably to mock him, to make him seem weak. You could've jumped at that man's throat.

Neil spared Billy another hard glance through cold eyes. The teen gulped and replied, louder and clearer now: "Yes, sir."

"Find Max.", and with that they were gone.

Billy's hands were shaking and two silent tears rolled over his cheeks. He slammed the wall with his fist and then hid his face in his hands in an attempt to calm himself.

He hated his father with all of his heart. He really did. But he never managed to punch back. After Billy had taken a deep breath in to calm himself he closed the door to his room. This time he locked it, just to be sure no one would burst in unexpectedly.

Then he turned to the closet - he felt uneasy when he walked over though he opened its doors immediately. He was hesitant at doing so, but then your soft eyes were looking at him, making his heart flutter (in a good way).

You noticed that Billy had cried silently, which made your stomach twist and turn in hate for Neil. How could somebody do this to their own child?

Billy helped you out of the closet wordlessly, not looking you in the face right now. That was fine, you knew how shaken up he was right now.

"Can I hug you?", your voice was barely louder than a whisper. You knew that physical touch was helping Billy with feeling comfortable often.

But not now, as he shook his head and gestured to the window "Can you-?"

He didn't need to finish his question, you immediately understood what he wanted from you. "Of course", you grabbed your stuff from under his bed and quickly threw on your shirt. Your shoes would have to wait - you figured it would take too long as Billy was impatiently waiting by your side.

So, you jumped out in the garden barefoot and walked down to where his car stood. You tried your best at being quiet and made yourself as small as possible so that Neil wouldn't see you out there.

While you waited at the camaro you got your converse on, then the front door opened and Billy jogged out. He wanted to get away from this place as fast as possible.

You both got in the car without saying anything, then your boyfriend started the engine and drove out of the drive-way with screeching tires. You thought about what you could tell Billy to make him feel any better for the entire ride.

"Can you stop here, please?", you asked, breaking the silence. You were on an empty road, near a forest. The chances of somebody driving past you at this time were very low.

Billy did what he was asked for without even looking beside him, when the car was parked he didn't move. You assumed that he was still in shock from what had just happened.

"Can I take your hand?", you were already offering yours, while smiling at him sadly. Billy was very hesitant but after a few seconds of debating with himself he let you grab it. He still didn't look at you though.

"Your father had no right to do that, because Max being gone is not your fault. I hope you are aware of that.", you lifted his hand up and gently kissed his knuckles "You did nothing wrong.", you whispered on the soft skin "You did nothing to deserve this."

With the next look Billy shot you, his eyes were all teary again. He started to cry and you immediately leaned over to him, engulfing your boyfriend in a hug. He himself slung his arms around you as if you were an anchor (which, metaphorically spoken, you probably were to him).

You felt your shirt becoming wet from his tears, which made you go bitter. Whenever you had the chance of fighting his father, you would take if immediately. Without a second thought, you would try to kill this man.

"I'll protect you as best as I can from him", you whispered in Billy's locks, pressing a kiss to them only a second later. You caressed his back with your hands in an attempt to make him feel more comfortable.

"I love you so much, Blue.", you had to blink a few tears away. You really did love him and seeing Billy in so much pain hurt you.

"I love you too", were the first words you heard after that accident "Thank you for being here"

"I will always be there for you", you promised. Billy pulled back from your hug to press his lips to yours in a wet kiss. You ttok his face in your hands gently, wiping a few tears from his cheeks.

You would do absolutely anything in your power to protect this guy in your arms. He was worth it.

[billys-pretty-babe]

SFW Alphabet

Pairing : Billy Hargrove x Fem!Reader

Warnings : A few mentions of Neil and his abuse and two mentions of Karen.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

At first, he's not very affectionate, maybe a brush of his hands against yours, quick kiss in public but as he gets more comfortable, he gets more affectionate, hand always in your back pocket or you waist.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Billy's a protective best friend, he hates seeing you get into trouble. Friendship would most likely start at school.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Billy loves to cuddle, he's a big spoon, it gives him a chance to protect you, especially when you guys are at his house for the night.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Billy was against settling down, he saw how his parents ended up and it scares him but when he sees a future with you, he's more than ready to leave Hawkins and settle down in California. He cooks, he used to cook for Max when Susan and Neil would leave them alone for a few days but he sucks at cleaning, leaves his clothes everywhere and forgets to clean the kitchen after he uses it.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

He'd be straightforward, nothing to soften the blow. I don't think he'd place blame on anyone (unless there is reason to) but blame it on growing apart.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Depending on the circumstance. I truly believe he had no girlfriends before you, or serious ones at least, he had hook ups but no one to give his love to. As soon as the two of you graduate and leave Hawkins, you guys get eloped at the courthouse in Santa Barbara.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Growing up with Neil, Billy had to have his walls up and show no emotion. Six months into your relationship, Billy understood that he was safe to show emotion, especially excitement. I feel like he may be a little rough at first with physical affection but in no way does he hurt you, he's just so excited to show you he loves you.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Billy's a hugger, he likes when you sit in his lap and cling to him as he talks about his day, his hands under the back of your shirt as he gently rubs the skin. He's hugging you multiple times a day, no matter what.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

About six months in, he realizes he's in love with you but doesn't say it until about eight months.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Oh, Billy's jealous. He sees someone flirting with you at a party and he walks over with a red cup in his hand and places his other arm around your shoulders and you know it's him just by his cologne.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

His kisses are fast paced at first, that's what he's used to. He likes to kiss your pulse point on your neck, just simple little kisses to show affection if he can't express himself properly. He likes being kissed anywhere

(BONUS : after the mindflayer, he wears shirts more often so you kiss the fabric, knowing exactly where his scars lay on his torso and chest).

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

"I've seen you, teaching lessons. Swimming lessons" This shows Billy's a good teacher to the kids, and while we never get to see him with them, I feel like he's gentle with children because he never got that with his father.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

He's not a morning person so it's spent in bed, talking about how you hope the day goes.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Dinner together, always, Billy hates eating alone now that you guys are together. He does his routine with you and everything.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

About four or five months in, his walls begin to break and he reveals just enough about his home life that you understand why he has the marks and bruises on some days that you get to see him. I feel like he doesn't give too much away at first, he doesn't want to scare you off.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

At first, he was ready to blow up at every little thing, he had anger issues. Now, he has a lot more patience and knows to step away from anything whether it be fixing something or an argument with you, before he gets angry.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Billy remembers everything you've ever told him. Let's say you guys have been together for five years, he still remembers what you said about your senior prom dress.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

He truly doesn't have a favorite moment, everything is his favorite, he's just happy he found someone to put up with him and his flaws, you helped him heal.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Extremely protective, he hates when you leave the house alone especially if it's the weekend because everyone is out and he knows you hate crowds and it makes you nervous but errands have to be ran. In public, he's standing in front of you, if you're walking down the sidewalk, he's closest to the road. He doesn't like to be protected, it hurts his ego.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

You're Billy's first girlfriend so he puts his all into everything and it truly surprises you each time he does it.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

He pulls his hair until the roots break when he's stressed, sometimes, he forgets he's smoking and burns himself or the furniture.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

This is Billy Hargrove that we're talking about, the same guy we watched get ready for a date that he never got to go on. Curls are always styled to perfection, shirts are always unbuttoned and jeans are the tightest they can be. He makes sure to keep a good skin care routine and to shave his beard when it begins to grow but he leaves the stache.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Yes, this poor boy only knew love from his mother so when you come into his life and you showered him with love, he hates, absolutely hates when he can't see you for a few days. He swears he's dying because his chest hurts.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Billy's shy, we saw him practice his lines in the car before going to meet with Karen, he needs to know what he'll say so he won't mess anything up. He exudes confidence but in reality, he's an introvert except when he's under the influence, then he'll talk anyone's ear off if they're willing to listen to him.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

According to Billy, he hates everything but you. He doesn't like when you leave a mess in his Camaro but doesn't mind you leaving chap stick or your jewelry in the car, sometimes he'll hang your necklace on his rear-view mirror.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

He snores, loudly. He likes to press against you so his mouth is near your ear and it wakes you up. He also takes all of the blanket, claims all the warmth you need, you'll get from cuddling with him, you guys sleep with separate blankets now and he pouts until you slide under the large comforter with him, your throw blanket over you just in case.

[dwobbitfromtheshire]

Nancy wandered into Max's hospital room after everyone was unexpectedly kicked out. Max was lying in the bed, her head bent as she cried. Maybe she shouldn't. . .maybe she should give her the space she said she wanted. She couldn't leave her alone to cry, though. She sat carefully in the chair next to Max and took her hand. Max jumped.

"Who's there?" Max asked, her eyes trying to look around the room.

"It's Nancy," she said softly.

"I said that I wanted to be left alone," Max said.

"I know. I was never really good at doing what people told me to do, though," Nancy said, smiling when Max laughed.

"Me neither," she said softly.

"I just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you if you need to talk," Nancy said.

"I'm just - I'm really bad at letting people in," Max said.

"I'm the same way," Nancy said. "When things get rough, I tend to push away the people who matter the most. . .especially when they just fall apart, and then you just let them."

"I want to let people in, I really do," Max said softly.

"Yeah, me too," Nancy said.

"I don't know where to start. Every time I think about it, it's like I can't breathe," Max said.

"I think for me, my biggest fear is that my pain will somehow hurt them more than if I just let them go. In some weird way, it's my way of protecting them," Nancy said.

"Yeah, that makes sense," Max said.

"Somehow, in the back of my mind, I tend to think it's better if I do this alone, but we live in a world dependent on people and as much as we try to admit that we don't want help or think we don't need help there's always this part of us trying to reach out for the people we care about the most. We keep trying to push it away or stamp it out because there's people in our lives who tell us we don't need them, that we don't fit. Like my mom said to me once, 'People are always saying you can't. That you shouldn't. That you're not smart enough. Not good enough. This world, it beats you up. Again and again. Until eventually. . .most people, they just stop trying.' I think when you start to believe that, it starts to come true. I think the hardest thing for people to say is that they can't do this alone. I think it takes a lot of strength to say that you can't or don't want to do it alone. Max, you're the strongest person I know, I think you can do it. No, I know you can do it," Nancy said.

"In the junkyard," Max said, sniffling. "When Steve moved me out of the way to protect me from the demogorgon, and stood in front of us holding up the bat. . .no one's ever done that before. Not Billy, not Neil, not even my mom. . .it's the first time I felt like I could do it myself. I looked at Steve and thought that this was what a brother's supposed to be. He's supposed to protect you, not hurt you, and when I saw Billy hurting Steve, I had to stop him. For a long time, I just wanted Billy and Neil to stop hurting us. When Billy died, I thought it was my fault, so I pushed Lucas and everyone away because I thought I was protecting them."

"It's not your fault, Max. What happened to Billy. He had many chances to do the right thing by you, to be the brother you needed. He failed you, Max, and you wishing for him to stop hurting you doesn't make you a bad person. You didn't wish him to die, did you?" Nancy asked.

"I just wanted it to stop," Max said.

"He waited until it was too late, and because of what Dr. Brenner did. . .because of the Russians. . . He died without really making it up to you. All these things that happened to you aren't your fault. The blame lies on other people. I know what it's like to feel guilty about the things that are out of your control. I know what it's like to deal with trauma that no one's ever dealt with before. How do you deal with real flesh and blood monsters? We have no guidebook for this, only each other. When you're ready, we're here for you," Nancy said.

"I'm scared, Nancy," Max sobbed. "I don't know if I can handle being blind. I won't ever see my mom's face or the sun again. I won't ever see the ocean or Lucas's face. I'll never see him play basketball. I should have gone to his game. Why didn't I just go to his game? Because I was scared? What kind of excuse is that?"

"A really good one," Nancy said softly. "Sometimes, the best way you can let people know you care about them is to let them take care of you."

"He's good at that, Lucas. He read to me, I heard him," Max said. "I heard his voice. . ."

"Steve’s good at taking care of people too," Nancy said, mentioned casually.

"Except he pretends as if he doesn't like it like he's a goddamn cat," Max said, and Nancy laughed.

"He is a cat, but then I think so are you," Nancy said.

"Lucas is more like a golden retriever," Max said. "Which is weird because I'm not a very affectionate person."

"I'm not really either, but there are other ways to show people you care about. One of them is, like I said earlier," Nancy said. "And it's in the little million different ways that I think only you can discover along the way. And if it's someone who's willing to do the same, even better. . .How do you want to show Lucas you care?"

Max grinned so suddenly, it startled Nancy.

"I want to see him play basketball," Max said.

"Max. . ."

"Will's a good dungeon master, right?" She asked Nancy.

"Yeah?"

"Do you think he would be willing to transfer those skills into telling me what's going on when Lucas is playing?" Max asked.

"I think he would be willing to do anything to help in any way that he can," Nancy said with a grin of her own. "That's a good idea, Max."

Max beamed, suddenly looking more comfortable in her hospital bed.

"I want to make it work this time with Lucas," Max said. "No more pushing him a way or El or anyone else."

"I think Robin's hoping for that too. She said something about 'two flames that never should have been burned out,' so she's rooting for you and Lucas," Nancy said.

"Was she saying that about us or about you and Steve?" Max asked slyly.

"It can be both," Nancy said.

"Well, she's smart, so maybe she knows what she's talking about," Max smirked. "Does Steve have anything to do with you breaking up with Jonathan?"

"No, well, a little bit. It's been a long time coming. We've had problems before, but I think an important part of wanting to be in a relationship with someone is wanting to be with them. We didn't want to see each other, and it's not because we didn't love each other. It's just that love wasn't enough anymore. Suddenly, it wasn't Jonathan who I could see in my dream anymore," Nancy said. "He wasn't who I wanted anymore, and I wasn't who he wanted, but that doesn't mean he's not going to be in my life. We were both relieved when we ended things."

"Are you sad?" Max asked.

"A little, but I think that happens when you close a chapter of your life," Nancy said. "But then a new chapter starts. . .a new day begins and the sun rises. . . I'm looking forward to being friends with Jonathan."

They sat in silence for a while as Max let Nancy stroke her knuckles.

"Thank you, Nancy," Max said and paused. "You're too stubborn for your own good, you know?"

"I've been told," Nancy laughed.

"I didn't really feel like I would ever have a family again until I came here to Hawkins. You and the others. . .especially Steve and Robin. . .have been the best older siblings that I could have asked for. I don't think. . .I don't want to do this alone," Max said.

"We're here," Nancy said softly and leaned forward to kiss her forehead.

"Can you send Lucas in?" Max asked.

"Yeah," Nancy said.

She walked out into the parking lot where everyone was loitering around. Lucas was talking to Will and Mike when she approached. She touched his shoulder, trying to ignore the nostalgia and the realization that he had grown so much. They all had.

"Hey, Nancy," Lucas said with a smile.

"Max wants to see you," Nancy said.

"Is that a good thing?" Lucas asked. "I mean, is she okay?"

"Yeah, and it's a very good thing," she grinned and hugged him. "Good luck."

"Thanks!" Lucas exclaimed and ran off towards the hospital.

She found Steve’s car parked a few feet away. Robin and Dustin were leaning against the trunk while Steve argued with them about something. That was something Nancy noticed Steve did. He would start a trivial argument in order to get other people's minds off other things, especially when they worried too much and they couldn't do anything about it. He knew how much Dustin was worried about Max. Steve was so much smarter than he ever let on. His back was to her. Robin and Dustin's eyes looked at her curiously as she approached. She didn't care. Nancy placed her hands on Steve’s hips and turned him around.

"Nancy?" He asked.

"I love you," Nancy said.

She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him. He froze for a moment, and she was about to pull back when he returned the kiss. He wrapped his arm around her waist, supporting her weight, as she moved her arms around his neck. Nancy smiled against his lips, enjoying the familiar way they fit against hers. They smiled into the kiss before pulling away.

"Hi," Steve said, his cheeks red.

"Hi," Nancy said.

He stared at her in amazement, and she looked at him expectantly.

"Oh, yeah, I love you too!" Steve exclaimed.

Robin and Dustin let out a squeal. They turned to find them both clinging to each other, jumping up and down in excitement.

"I can't believe Dustin had doubts!" Robin exclaimed.

"I didn't have doubts. You had doubts," Dustin accused.

"Harrington! Did you seriously just make out with Nancy in front of me?!" Jonathan yelled from across the parking lot.

"Oh, shit!" Dustin exclaimed.

"She kissed me!" Steve squeaked, and Jonathan laughed.

"Oh, man, your face! Sorry, man, I was messing with you. Nancy and I broke up. I'm dating someone else," Jonathan said, grinning. "We're good."

Everyone in the parking lot laughed and Steve sighed.

"I'm going to kill him," Steve muttered.

"The look on your face was pretty funny," Nancy giggled.

Steve smirked and began ticking her sides. She laughed and slapped his chest.

"Oh, yeah, you think so?" Steve asked.

Nancy laughed and shook her head. Steve stopped and hugged her tightly. She let him for a moment, letting him savor her touch while she did the same before pulling away. She laughed when he went over to gush about it with Robin. Suddenly, Lucas came running out of the hospital with a grin on his face. He ran over to Will.

"Are you okay?" Will asked.

"Better than okay! We're officially back together. She said she loves me and we kissed," Lucas said.

"That's great!" Will exclaimed.

"I was wondering if you would be able to help Max with something," Lucas said.

Nancy smiled. These kids were more than friends. They were family. They all were. Whether romantically or platonically, they were all willing to help each other through the bad times, no matter how big or small. The part of her that wanted to do everything on her own was no longer screaming at her. Even without monsters from other dimensions, it was difficult to navigate this world on your own. Nancy wouldn't go anywhere without one of her guns, just like Steve wouldn't go anywhere without his bat, nor would they go anywhere without knowing that they always had their family to fall back on.

[raelsaulriets]

In the fics we almost always assume that Billy ends up at Hawking because Neil finds out he's gay, but what if it's because Neil doesn't want Billy to go back to his mother?

----

It was all Max's fault.

Billy found the letter before Neil arrived to take the mail out of the mailbox. It was from his mother, for the first time after almost 6 years he had news from his mother.

Dear Billy,

After a long time I managed to find you again, I hope this letter reaches your hands, I suppose the others were found by Neil.

I love you son and since your father ran away with you I have not stopped looking for you, but every time I find you my boy Neil takes you again, I am a coward for not going in person but I am afraid.

Afraid of possible rejection, afraid of Neil, afraid that you'll hate me for thinking he could leave you and then come back for you.

I have seen you from afar, you are stronger, smarter and braver than I could be. Your father has started another family and maybe you will be happy in it, but I can't help but dream that maybe you want to be with me again.

If you want to see me again, reply to this letter, send a reply to the mailbox....

We could leave together, now I have the resources to keep us safe.

If you want we can live together in front of the sea like we always dreamed of.

With love,

Mom

PS: stay safe my sunshine.

She was happy like never before, she could go and be with his mother, finally safe.

But he was foolish enough to leave the letter where Max could find it.

At first they didn't get along badly, Billy taught her how to skate, he took her to the beach and wherever she wanted, he even let her drive her Camaro. But Susan never liked him and that influenced Max too, he always asked her what they did when they were together and then told Neil, and his father was always good at making excuses to show him the "right" way.

Every time they had to stay home, every time they had to come home, every time Max didn't get what he wanted, it was Billy's fault.

This time Billy told her that it was time to go home, she was skating, just hearing Billy's voice caused her to fall, she broke the skateboard and Max got hurt, Billy's fault.

They got home and she was angry, the first thing she did was accuse him before Susan, miraculously this time Susan punished her for skating when that was not an activity for a girl. She then asked Billy to go to the store.

When he returned Neil was home, when he returned Max gave him a malicious look when he opened the door and said "you'll pay for it", when he returned Neil had the letter from his mother in his hand and was furious. .

After the worst beating of his life in front of the women of the house, ending up in the hospital, Neil told them that they were moving again but this time they were going to fucking Indiana.

Max and Susan still blamed him for everything, while he had three broken ribs and a concussion.

The worst thing is that he couldn't be with her mother, he couldn't tell her how much he loved her, he couldn't be safe and free with her.

-----

Sorry English is not my first language. :'(

[ickypuppi3]

you know how they were arguing and neil did the whole “where were you last night” routine with billy’s mom

ever wonder how many evenings/nights billy was actually left alone with neil before she left?

[passivenovember]

Happy Valentines Day!

Dedicated to my babies over in the smut cave. Thanks for making everyday so saturated in horniness that I can’t feel anything but love. You’re the best.

And to @cherrydreamer , who is so good I’m pretty sure God could learn a thing or two.

--

Steve’s not his boyfriend. Billy ties honesty around each wrist to keep himself in place whenever things start to feel a little too much like a roll of party balloons.

And they always do, with Steve. Because Steve’s an idiot.

He’s full of shining romance. He parks the Beemer outside Billy’s house every morning before school even though Billy’s got a car because Steve hopes, against all hope, that Billy will roll over and be his girlfriend.

That he’ll let Steve hold his hand and carry his books and allow Steve to drive them to school. Billy and Max, fighting over the radio station and tracking mud onto the floors while Steve grins like a moron.

Harrington has a death wish disguised as chivalry.

Because even though Billy aims to chew his head off and Neil would probably bury them both alive if he ever caught on, Steve climbs through bedroom windows and tucks notes onto mattress pillows and in between the slots of lockers because he’s got flowers growing out his ass.

Love’s gonna win out, for him.

Billy doesn’t get it. 

The hope. The peppery, love-sick gestures. He could pick them by the handful, each colored for a different moronic display of Steve’s lingering affection. 

And it’s not that Billy hates flowers, it’s just. 

It’s spring. 

It’s the promise of the days getting longer and air gusting warmer and the hope that even though he’s still living like a stoned crab under the ever-present weight of his father, Billy could relax into Steve’s attention and summer will drape itself over the land. 

If he just gave in, July would burn hot on his shoulder blades.

–

Billy doesn’t give in. 

He can’t.

He could lie and say it’s all part of some rude awakening. He’ll take Steve’s dick up his ass, down his throat, blooming like cactus blossoms between both hands, but he doesn’t love him.

But, turns out, as January melts into six more weeks of winter and Heather’s warning that this thing between Billy and Steve’ll vanish as soon as the ground starts to thaw, Steve gets restless.

Billy can’t blame him. Knows they’ve both got a lesbian ear-worm chewing their confidence to shit. 

Heather urges Billy to stop being such a piranha and Robin tells Steve he’s gonna get his heart smashed and tossed like a new penny into the ocean. Lost. Forgotten on its descent to the bottom of the hapless sea. 

And to be honest, no one’s ever been able to guess why Steve chose this. Billy, in all his pathetic glory. 

But he did. He picked Billy like a thorn from his side.

And they hammer themselves into something like the mockery of a relationship because that’s what people do. They fuck. They smoke pot and dry hump and fuck again, each chewing on the idea that maybe this won’t last. 

Billy’s good at ignoring it and Heather and himself until the weekend before Valentines Day. 

Steve pulls out of him. Rolls onto his back and says, “You never gaze at me,” even though his spunk is cooling the sheets under Billy’s naked thighs.

Billy shifts on the pillow, blowing smoke at the ceiling so it won’t end up in Steve’s eyes.

Steve won’t look at him.

He’s got the sheets tucked up around his chest, arms crossed over their slick face like he’s ashamed of himself, maybe, for the first time ever. Regretful of Billy. Of this thing between them.

Billy frowns. “I don’t do what?”

“You don’t gaze at me,” Steve tells him, Adam’s Apple bobbing like he needs a cool drink. “Y’know. Like when you see a pretty girl–”

“Don’t like girls, remember?”

“Okay, then,” Steve rolls onto his side, propping himself seriously on one elbow. “Say it’s a cute guy. Handsome.”

“Alright.”

“When you see a handsome guy, you know? In a nice car, do you ever–”

“Is it a fast car?”

Steve blinks. “Does it matter?”

“‘Course it does,” Billy sucks on his smoke again, teasing, “Fast car’s a sign of taste. And to be able to afford that kinda car you’ve gotta have money. And in my experience, any guy with money’s got a cock on him.”

“Every guy’s got a cock.”

“Yeah, but not every cock’s a good one,” Billy winks, “Ain’t that right, Rolls Royce?”

Steve turns red, all the way down his chest. Billy has the familiar urge to pin him to the mattress and lick at his nipples, see if they taste like strawberry jam when he blushes like that.

But Steve’s eyebrows are threaded together. Serious, when he says, “You’re saying the only thing that’d trap you in a gaze is a nice car?”

Billy shrugs. “I don’t gaze.”

“I’ve noticed.”

“I could, though,” Billy looks over at him, guilty for the thrill that rolls through him at the sight of Steve, naked and pissed off. “If we’re talking about a fast car, and a rich guy, and a nice cock–”

“Forget it,” Steve snaps, sitting until the sheets pool around his waist. “Forget I said anything, alright?” Harrington jostles the bed, swinging his legs over one side. He reaches for his pants, tugging them on so roughly Billy’s worried he’ll give himself rug burn. 

Billy puffs on his cigarette. “Where you going, pretty boy?”

“Gotta piss.”

“You’re putting clothes on for that?”

Steve drops his pants as if they’ve caught fire. “Maybe I’ll leave.”

Billy snorts. “You live here.”

“Well, I’m not gonna kick you out,” Steve snaps. Annoyed. He’s never been this irritated with Billy before. So pressed he won’t even look at him.

Steve always looks at him. 

Gazes. 

It’s not a great feeling.

Billy props himself against the headboard, trying to backtrack whatever landmine he ate shit over. Steve’s seething on the edge of the mattress, so far away he might as well be in Asia. So close Billy can map the constellations between his shoulder blades. “Come here,” Billy says softly.

Steve shakes his head. 

“Steve.”

“You’re such an asshole sometimes.”

“I know,” Billy pinches the butt between his teeth. “Come here anyway.”

One moment yawns into the next and then Steve’s toes follow each other back onto the mattress. He tucks under the sheets, eyes tacked to the ceiling. 

“What,” Steve says. Taught and fragile. Bitchy.

Billy chokes on a swell of something. Swallows it down. “You don’t wanna cuddle?” He asks, exactly how Steve always does. Batting his eyelashes where he knows Harrington can see. 

But Steve won’t budge. He crosses his arms. “Tell me what you want and I’ll consider it.”

And Billy. 

He’s a pro at flipping the script. At hiding in plain sight. He’s been pretending to want this and nothing more if it means he’ll get Steve. A couple nights a week fucking in a bed he never sleeps in, watching every flash of desperate pleasure on Harrington’s face because there’s no chance he’ll run into the weight of anything when he’s caught in orgasm land. 

Billy doesn’t say the only time he feels good is when Steve comes. Doesn’t own up to the way it gets him through the swell of night, the memory of being so close to someone who’s good because it’s his nature. 

Steve never has to try. He’s perfect.

And Billy isn’t ready to admit anything. That he recognizes it. Feels Steve’s brilliance like a twisting knife in the back; Tell me what you want–

Billy clears his throat. “Do you want me to leave?”

The possibility makes him nauseous. Steve takes the cigarette that’s handed to him, perfect plush lips closing around the butt of the thing.

“Tell me, baby. I’ll go right now. You’ll never have to see me again–”

“God, you’re a dumbass, too, you know that?” Steve hands the cigarette over, jaw tense. “If I wanted you gone I would’ve kicked you out forever ago.”

“You. You mean tonight, or–”

“Yeah,” Steve tells him softly. “Months before that. Before I fell in love with you.”

Billy chews on their cigarette and watches Steve in between puffs. The way his lashes flutter when he’s trying not to give the side eye. 

Billy feels haunted. By everything. His future. The way Steve’s so free with his words and his truth, tossing them at Billy like red roses and rotting tomatoes. Steve says he loves him, and Billy’s heard it before. Steve’s sentiment gets lost in the roiling anger that makes Billy who he is. 

But tonight, it’s silenced.

Steve’s I love you’s have that effect on him. Cutting all the noise from the sky as his attention drapes over Billy like the lid of a coffin. Like sunlight, too. 

Daylight.

Billy turns to face him, his wrist cracking under the weight of his head. “Do you want me to gaze at you more?” He asks.  

Steve chews on a mouthful of smoke and then blows it at the ceiling until it looks like a cloud.

A bunny or an anvil. Something.

“I could,” Billy says. “You’ve got everything that grabs my attention, you know?”

“What? Money and cars and–”

“Yeah, but. It’s not only that shit, I was. I was kidding.”

Steve blinks. “You were kidding?”

“Mostly.”

“Mostly,” Steve says, as if tasting the caramel drop word on his tongue. He shifts on the mattress, glancing over and away again. Teasing. “Alright. What else about me grabs your attention?”

“You’re really gonna make me spell it out for you? Itemized list style?”

Steve’s demeanor falls flat again. A punctured balloon trickling from the sky. “Never mind,” He says, “Forget it. You obviously don’t feel the same about me as I do about you–”

“You make me laugh, okay?” Billy spits. 

He swallows thickly. Fiddles with the lip of the sheets. His words burn like acid. He’s cut to the bone. 

“I like the way you drum on your knee when there’s a song you dig. You have passions. You read, but you’re not very good at it. You help me study even though you mispronounce everything. You’re kind.”

And suddenly, Steve’s looking at him. Through him, too, past every swirling atom, toggling layers of bullshit and titanium walls meant to keep everyone out.

But under the cosmic starfall of Steve’s gaze and his attention and his love–

Billy’s walls never stood a chance.

“I like you,” Billy grits. 

There. 

He said it. He told the truth and now Harrington can out a lid on those eyes and stop looking at Billy like he ran over the family dog–

“You mean it?” Steve asks.

As if Billy’s saying something else. Like he’s admitting to a crime, or accepting a ticket to go anywhere in the universe.

Billy frowns, not understanding. “I guess so.”

Steve watches him for another endless, yawning moment. “Prove it.” He says, and finishes the cigarette.

–

It’s kind of how Max was, in that weird space between Billy’s first I’m Sorry and where they are now. 

Billy had to work for it because Billy has to work for everything. It’s like purgatory. Paying out of pocket for all the shit he’s done wrong in his life. 

Steve says, “prove it,” and Billy doesn’t really believe him at first. 

They aren’t together. Billy isn’t his fucking girlfriend, and Steve’s old enough that he’s supposed to have stopped wishing for grand gestures. 

Doesn’t he know that shit isn’t real? That husbands get their wives flowers because they got caught fucking their secretaries, and boyfriends only tuck fuzzy animals into their girlfriends arms to apologize for getting drunk and covering her in bruises?

But the more Billy turns it over in his hands, the more he realizes he should’ve seen this coming.

Steve’s got a pension for anything sappy and romantic. 

He goes hog wild for John Huges and sets money aside for February 15th, when all the Valentine’s candy is on sale. He sings the Ronettes at the top of his lungs when Billy’s pissed off, wiggling his hips and begging Billy to be his little baby. 

Steve pretends not to trace love hearts on storefront windows. He ignores thoughts of dinner reservations and avoids all conversation of expensive springtime bouquets until someone asks his opinion, and suddenly Steve’s a florist. 

Last year he even helped Max and her Nerdy friends plan a romantic double date night, complaining all the while even though he made Billy hide with him in the back room so they could spy–

And.

It hits Billy like a freight train.

“No,” Billy tells himself. He shakes his head, curls catching obnoxiously on the pillow beneath him. “No way–”

He’s not asking the Nerd Squad for help/

He’d never hear the end of it. They’d roast him alive and it would cost him every cent in his California fund. Curly top would accuse him, all over again, of not being suave or good or smart enough for someone like Steve, and the rest would co-sign without ever saying a word, and–

No.

Billy isn’t going to put himself through that type of ego-death all for a pair of legs, and that’s final.

But just as he starts to doze off, dreams lapping at his toes like warm ocean water, Billy settles with the fact that he has no other choice.

It’s his ego or Steve, and if Billy doesn’t play this right he’ll never love again.

–

“He says you never gaze at him?”

Billy digs his nails into his palm. “That’s what I said.”

“Steve’s kind of confusing.”

“You’re telling me.”

“I mean, it’s so weird,” Max’s shoes thump against the base of the couch, filling their empty house on Cherry lane with music. “You throw plenty of gaze at him.”

“I know, right?”

“You are gay-ze,” Max teases.

And if Billy were any less desperate, he might stick a wet thumb in her ear for that one. But he’s on his last leg. He’s tearing his curls out by the root. He’s climbing the walls, he’s–

Max frowns. “Tough crowd.”

“It was funny,” Billy tries, smile stiff and unnatural. “I was gonna laugh, but–”

“But you’re worried if you don’t do something grand and rom-com perfect Steve’ll dump you.”

Billy glares at her. “There’s nothing to dump. We aren’t dating.”

“Sure,” Max says slyly. 

She’s such a little shit. She’s the worst.

Billy bites against the urge to bully her. To pinch her arm and revert back to his old self to get what he wants out of the situation.

Max shrugs her knobby little shoulders and admits, “Steve’s not that hard to romance.”

Billy drops the act entirely. “How the fuck would you know that?”

“When he helped Lucas and Mike plan our double-date last year he gave this obnoxious speech about how girls pretend like we want diamonds and flashy declarations, but really it’s the thought that counts.”

But. “Steve’s not a girl,” Billy thunks his head on the back of the couch, exhausted.

This is bullshit.

This is so difficult–

“It’s not like you could afford to do anything obnoxious even if you wanted to,” Max tells him. 

And Billy gets that it’s meant to be reassuring.

Steve was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Anything he wants he can get for himself, including expensive bouquets and five-star dinners. Hell, he could get himself off, too. Doesn’t need Billy for anything. Not really. 

But that’s half the trouble.

If Billy can’t live up to the Valentine's Steve can plan for himself, he doesn’t know why he’s trying. 

Why he’s losing sleep, sick to his stomach over the thought that this might be it.

“Stop spiraling,” Max sits on the coffee table in front of him, knocking their toes together until Billy pins her with a heat-less glare. “When you imagine a perfect day with Steve–”

“I’m not talking about this with you.”

“Why? Max demands, “Because it involves a lot of open mouthed kisses?”

“Just tell me what you think he would like.”

“A handjob, probably.”

Billy sits ramrod straight. “Max, let’s watch the mouth.”

“Don’t take it out on me. I’m pretty sure that’s what every guy wants.”

“Steve’s not every guy, he’s. He’s fucking perfect and he was born in a castle and he’s always had anything he’s ever wanted and I’m a piece of shit–” 

“Billy, you’re fine,” Max tells him. Because, of course, she sees right through Billy’s vitriol.

He’s made of glass.

He’s a window. A crystal slipper, plummeting to its brain-shattered death.

Max knocks their toes together again. “Even if you served him a burnt pot of macaroni on a dirty plate, tucked over a sticky dining room table, he’d love it.”

“Why,” Billy snaps, “Because it’s me.”

“Because it’s you,” She says, eyes blue and earnest. “Now, walk me through your perfect date.”

–

In the end, mop top and the wheeler kid think it’s sweet that Billy’s trying in the first place.

They give him his blessing.

On February 14th, a day that’s so cloud-covered and rain drenched that Billy almost wants to call the whole parade off and stay in bed until the sun rises red and new, Steve’s dorks manage to get him out of the house.

His parents are in Rome, because.

Of course they’re in Rome. The city of love.

And Billy’s been shaking hard enough to cause an Earthquake since the second he got into the shower this morning, but Max smiles and says, “Tonight, Hawkins is the most romantic place in the world.”

So Billy chooses hope.

They light candles. They decorate. Billy orders heart-shaped pizza because he’d probably give them food poisoning if he tried to cook, and suddenly it’s 5:00.

The dorks clear out.

When the front door opens, Steve runs headfirst into a hallway covered in wilting daisy petals. He’s immediately tangled in the strings of four stubborn Get Well balloons because Max tried her best.

He drops his shopping bags when he sees the candles.

He almost brains it on the stairs, because Billy’s waiting in a suit, collar uncomfortably tight around the knob of his throat.

“Billy–” He says, with tears in his eyes.

But Billy’s gotta spit it out, before the words choke him to death. He takes the stairs two at a time, arriving at the bottom.

“Steve,” He says, kind of breathless. “I don’t just like you. I love you, and. Max helped me plan this because I’m an idiot. And the balloons are all wrong and I didn’t cook you anything, not even macaroni, but I love you, and--”

“It’s perfect,” Steve tells him.

And Billy doesn’t want to brag, but.

He proves it. Seals the deal with a kiss.

[goldberrg]

maybe i really want to die

summery : Y\N Mayfield has to move with her strange family from warm California, where everything has just begun to get better, to the gloomy town of Hawkins.

TW's – alcohol, domestic violence, smoking, selfharm, mentioning of suicide \ drugs, psychological problems.

It was hard for you to move, it was unbearably painful and insulting to part with the friends who had just appeared, but Neil (your most terrible stepfather in the world) and mom decided everything for the kids. Your stepbrother Billy was especially unhappy. He seems to have hated the whole world with the move, and especially his sisters. Although, you did not consider him a brother, and your relationship with him was almost always built on mutual hatred. Billy was ruining your and Max's life, and you both were even afraid of him. And you were also very afraid of your stepfather, he was a terrible person and reminded you of your father. He was also cruel and allowed himself to raise his hand against you and your mother, although Max was just a baby then, and she didn't remember all this, and that's why she missed her father.

You missed Caden most of all, a guy with whom it seems for the first time in a long time you had a chance. Yes, it's worth saying that you stood out in many ways in your family, including your love for your boyfriend. Max and mom didn't know about it, and even more so Neil didn't know, it was all kept in the strictest secret, but the hated brother still found out, accidentally caught you kissing a classmate a few years ago, and since then he has often used this knowledge for blackmail. You hated him for it. And in general, a lot more for that.

The first day at school promised to be terrible, you knew you wouldn't get used to school, there wasn't much left to study, and then you would run away from your family as far as possible, possibly taking Max with you, after all, you love her.

You looked in the mirror : long black hair that simply could not be styled, cold gray eyes, like dad's, like the rest of you, which is why you hated your appearance and was insanely jealous of your red-haired sister. You were very pale and skinny, even painfully skinny, you were used to hiding sharp shoulders under wide shirts and jeans, and dark circles under your eyes were easily hidden by powder. Your appearance could seem repulsive to many, and that's exactly what you wanted, you did not like attention, but you were definitely not quiet.

Still, all three children had something in common, they knew how to stand up for themselves and were the owners of sharp tongues, they were able to respond with a barb to a barb.

You hated people's eyes fixed on you, or rather on Billy. Well, of course, in a couple of weeks he will be a star, or even tomorrow, though everyone will be afraid of him, and he will behave disgustingly, but you had already got used to this, although sometimes Billy still managed to bring you to tears, he adored doing it, feeling his power and strength, for sure like his father, you usually thought so.

— Hi, I'm Nancy. — a very cute curly-haired girl turned to her. For sure an excellent student and a good girl — flashed through your head, but the eyes and smile of this Nancy hooked Mayfield, there was something unusual in this girl, something that is not in other teenagers. You were silent for too long

— I'm Y\N Mayfield, but it's better just Y\N. — you stretched out your hand, forcing out a semblance of a smile, maybe it's not so bad?

***

More screams, again Neil shouted at mom, and at Billy, dishes flew, Max locked herself in her room. But you did not have time, you found yourself in the epicenter of the quarrel, seeing Billy pressing his hand to his inflamed cheek, it was scary, always like the first time, you always remembered your father. How he threw you to the floor and whipped you with a heavy buckle, and how Neil gave you slaps that made your legs give way, tears glistened in your eyes, everyone was to blame today, but mom especially.

— Oh my God, fuck off already, don't touch mom! — you selflessly and stupidly stood between your mother and Neil, catching your brother's gaze on you, who only said that you were a complete idiot, and that right now you would fall to the floor from a blow, and that's what happened. As usual.

— Get out of my sight! And not a sound from you!— Neil shouted.

— Yes, sir. — Billy said, and you echoed him softly, trying to quickly close yourself in the room, in a small safe island.

A thin trickle of scarlet blood ran down your leg, rolling down to your ankle, you squeezed your eyes shut, hissed with pain, so insignificant compared to the pain in your heart and soul. Yes, cutting yourself with a small stationery knife has become the best solution to all your problems, for the past six years. All your legs and arms were covered with scars, of all kinds. Small, barely noticeable and deep, reminiscent of particularly difficult days. You liked to feel pain, you liked to see blood on your thin, starved body. Yes, you resorted to all kinds of self-harm, took a hot shower that burned painfully, scratched and bit the skin, got into fights, and then examined bruises and abrasions with special pleasure, starved, did not sleep, smoked, and not only cigarettes. You tried in every way to end your life as quickly as possible. But you just didn't have the fortitude to commit suicide. All you could do was quietly sob in your room, hugging your bloody knees and afraid that someone would hear you, that someone would see your scars. That's why you never even wore T-shirts, the last couple of years, when there were especially many scars, you even stopped going to the beach, justifying it by saying that you were tired of them. And the parents believed, for the most part they did not care about the children, the main thing was that they were not starving, and everything else was not considered a problem. This hurt you, you felt that the whole world was against you, and especially your family.

***

— Get up, we're going to be late because of you! — a furious knock that made the door shake.

— And good morning to you. — you hissed, sliding out of bed, your cute "brother" often woke you up like that, and also liked to bang into the bathroom when you stayed there for longer than 15 minutes. But you didn't always hate each other, and even now your relationship with him wasn't as terrible as Max's with him, probably because of their age. After all, you and Billy were the same age, and yet you sometimes had to communicate while in the same dig. In childhood, you were even friends, until Billy became a jerk who bullied everyone around, and especially his sisters.

You, frowning, sat in the backseat, you were already sick of the smell of your brother's cologne and his half-unbuttoned shirt, and the way you rolled your eyes did not go unnoticed. Billy looked at you angrily.

— You would also need to dress up well, you look like a ragamuffin, stay away from me at school.

— With pleasure. — you replied in the same arrogant, hissing voice of irritation.

Billy didn't like his sisters, or rather, he didn't admit it, but he always protected them, albeit in his own way. He also hated his father and the new city, foggy and gloomy. Billy was sick of it here, but every second was ready to give herself to him and it was great flattering. You, he noticed, also became even more gloomy and unsociable here, of course, yiu had to break up with your boyfriend. Hargrove grimaced, his sister is a fox, what a strange fuck. Billy didn't think it was a bad thing, but he knew it was better to keep quiet about it. After all, even despite the disgusting relationship with you, he did not want you to be sent to some correctional school, and your father could have done that.

***

The first thing you learned at school was that sweet Nancy, who you liked so much, has a boyfriend. Yes, and some kind of school king Steve Harrington, but how else. You had long since come to terms with loneliness, you will never be able to find someone for yourself, but it was always painful and insulting like the first time.

— Hi. — Nance was smiling at you.

— Hi. — you slipped past as quickly as possible, you didn't really want to watch Wheeler kissing this Harrington.

— Who is this? — Steve asked in surprise.

— A new girl, recently moved in. — Nancy shrugged her shoulders.

— She is hella weird. — Steve scratched his head thoughtfully, and Wheeler just shrugged, you pretended not to hear, although the definition of "weird" was not offensive, you were usually called much more rude in other words, Harrington picked up the most "cute".

You wonder what he would say if he knew who your brother was. You knew Billy had already hated Steve and was now trying to ruin his life, nothing new, Hargrove is synonymous with the word asshole.

***

— Ugh, where is this red-haired bitch. — Billy was angry while you were sitting in the front seat, Max was late.

— You're in a hurry somewhere? — you said wearily

— Shut up. — Billy threw a cigarette out the window and drove out of the parking lot. Max, he apparently decided not to wait.

— Why are you so angry, who turned out to be better than you this time. — you asked maliciously.

— Don't start that. — Billy pressed the gas pedal harder, which made you feel uncomfortable, you didn't like such extreme driving

— No, seriously. — you continued to bring your brother to emotions

— The date didn't happen, although, how do you know what it is. — Billy smiled maliciously when he mentioned you liked a girl once.

— If you hadn't fucked everyone I like, maybe I would have gone on dates! — you almost shouted it, which caused Billy to laugh, loud, frightening.

— If you could, you'd fuck all these girls too. — Billy continued. — I'm sure you'd be a whore

— Shut up! Do you even know what feelings are? Or all you can do is fuck everyone? — Billy was smiling, all this mini hysteria of his sister gave him pleasure.

— Well, well, scream again, it's terribly funny, you might think you loved someone, you just like me — like boobs. — these words made it especially painful, of course, Billy had no idea how much you loved Monica. And Hargrove just took and fucked her in the backyard of their house, just broke your heart.

— You're just disgusting, just like your father. —you hissed Billy slammed on the brakes, stopping at the curb, you jerked forward.

— What did you just say, retard? — Billy whispered it, painfully grabbing you by the wrist, his look became scary, very much, he resembled the look of Neil or his father, only there was more rage in him than disgust.

— Let go, it hurts me. — you tried to pull your hand away, but Billy held tight, it hurt terribly, your fingers were numb.

— Repeat that, bitch. — Hargrove shouted.

— God, let me go. — tears came out of pain and fear, it seemed to you that is what Billy wanted.

— Don't you dare compare me with him! Understand? — the whisper was scarier than a scream.

— I understood. — you were crying, which made your voice tremble, Billy abruptly threw your hand away and pressed the gas pedal, the car abruptly took off. You wiped your tears and turned to the window, seeing his face was unbearable.

***

In the evening, you locked yourself in the room, the tears kept flowing and flowing, it was a real tantrum and you still couldn't calm down, Billy today again reminded about Monica and what an asshole he was, and Neil too, again yelled at your mother for a cold dinner. He smashed another mug against the wall. At least Hargrove Jr. was not at home, he left for another "date". The cold blade burned the even colder skin of the wrist, the blood on the skin looked like berries on snow, you were so pale. Then you beat your feet until your knuckles hurt, you hated yourself and this world, this city, Neil, Billy, hated everyone, so it seemed to you in these moments of uncontrolled anger directed at yourself.

The bruises on your legs flashed purple very quickly, you looked at them in the mirror with sick pleasure while you were getting dressed. You could smoke right in the room, like your brother did. But you liked much more to escape through the window, walking a couple of meters away and smoking behind the house in a small courtyard, where the windows of your parents' bedroom did not go out. Today, though, you were smoking weed, bought from a local guy named Eddie, he was pretty cute. He even managed to make you laugh, and very few people succeeded. You thought that he could be your friend in this vile city.

Billy looked at his sister through the window, you seemed to him frighteningly pale and sickly, like from horror movies. Sometimes he even thought that you were dying, at these moments it became unpleasant from these thoughts, yes, he hated you, but without your snide remarks and jokes, without your screams it would be too lonely. He watched as his sister wrapped yourself in a huge sweater, his sweater. You often stole his things, then got paid for it, sometimes Billy even tore you T-shirts in retaliation, and you cut his shirts, it was a long time ago when you both just started on the path of this hatred. Right now Billy just didn't care, most of the time he ignored your existence. But for some reason, seeing you from the window, he felt uneasy, as if his "sister", who, so, had always been strange, was finally lost. Billy would have liked you to break down before he did.

— Why are you standing there like a ghost? — Billy spoke from the window, watching with pleasure as you twitched in fright.

Mayfield, abruptly showing the middle finger, went back into the house.

***

Billy made you cry again today when he lied about you starting a fight, just stood up for some bitch who tripped you up. Of course, you didn't really count on your brother's help, but you looked at him with such hope, and he's just an asshole, as always. It's insulting and painful when your "family" is against you. Of course, the moral pain turned into a physical one again, sitting on math, you just bit your plump lips in blood. And in the evening you bought something more serious from Eddie than weed, hoping to get stoned in my room and not hear the screams of relatives. The plan failed, there was a scandal at home. You and Max locked yourselves in the older sister's room, and hugged with a sinking heart listened to what was happening in the living room. Billy always got the most, Neil did not restrain himself when he beat his own son, the scariest thing for you was to hear Billy scream in response, and it was also creepy to see his tears, because it meant that everything was really bad. You squeezed your eyes shut, hearing the sound of a bang and a crash, apparently Billy had just flown into the closet. Mom's scream made you feel sick, you really tried to protect Billy, because he was like your family, but you were powerless. Max shuddered too. You felt sorry for Billy to some extent, his father was a monster and tortured Billy and your mom. It's terribly cruel and unfair.

When the screams subsided and the door to Billy's room slammed shut, you took out a small first aid kit from under the bed, and then soaked a towel with cold water, Billy was forbidden to leave the room and apply ice to the places of blows, but he and you had an unspoken rule, when everything was really bad, you both forgot about hatred and helped, united in opposition to the Nile.

You quietly entered your brother's room, he didn't even look at you, but you saw blood on his shirt, it seemed to be dripping from his nose or lips. You stopped being nice to him a long time ago, so you just threw a towel at him, which he caught on the fly and put a first aid kit on the edge of the bed, suddenly useful.

— Thank you. — he whispered softly, barely discernible.

— No problem. — it seems you answered with your lips alone, leaving the room in ringing silence.

***

Life seemed unbearable to you, school seemed to be the worst place in the world, even though Eddie sometimes improved your days. Neil continued to be a disgusting stepfather, Billy a terrible brother, and Max had found new friends, and now you felt completely alone. It was maddening. There were more and more scars on the white skin, but the bruises also appeared thanks to the stepfather. Yesterday he beat you decently, you screamed and cried, and he kept going, and the worst thing was, no one could protect you. And now the cheek hurt, the wrists turned blue from the death grip, which was felt even a day after the scandal.

It hurt Billy to watch you cry, and the feeling of fear was transmitted to him. And Billy hated that feeling, but what could he do, he's a damn weakling who's afraid of his own father. Your plaintive sobs made you dizzy, the second sister was sobbing behind the wall, it was disgusting, all this made you angry. But Billy endured and was afraid. And his sisters, too, and his stepmother, all of them seemed to be hostages. And it's not just about physical strength. His father was able to beat morally, destroy from within, put pressure on the most painful, Billy often cried not from pain, but from his father's words, all Hargrove Jr. dreamed of was to return to his mother, but it was impossible. That's why the tears, from despair, and Billy was sure you were crying for the same reason.

— Take this. — Billy held out the frozen vegetables, sat down on the bed.

— And why are you frozen, go away. — you asked quietly but insistently, and then suddenly a tear rolled down your cheek, Billy looked at you in surprise, now your tears did not give pleasure as usual.

— What's going on? – he poked you with his elbow.

— Everything is fine, the city sucks, get out. — you wiped your tears and turned away, Billy just grinned and left, slamming the door. — Idiot. — you threw angrily at his back.

You put down the ice and took out the "magic" candies you had bought from Eddie, hidden for a bad day, and threw everything into your mouth at once, leaned back on the bed. The effect was fast, the world swam before your eyes, began to blur with bright spots, it seemed to you that you were in weightlessness, that there was nothing around and you were just lying in emptiness, all thoughts had disappeared somewhere, and all fresh cuts and bruises stopped hurting, it seems that this was the best way you used to end your life faster.

***

The week turned out to be just awful, and you decided to go to a party of high school students, not expecting at all that everything would end sadly. You were sitting in a room on the second floor, smoking, and then some guy came there, you didn't even know him.

— Well, why the fuck are you so stubborn? — he brazenly ran his hand under your skirt, squeezing your leg, you jerked, but he held you tightly by the waist.

— Fuck off, you're not my type. — you continued trying to escape, but the guy was clearly stronger, he pinned you with his whole body to the bed.

You tried to bite his hand, which he was holding over your mouth and call for help. It didn't work out, only a ringing slap flew across your face.

— Shut up, bitch, or it will get worse. — he squeezed your wrists painfully, pulling off your underwear.

You struggled, bit, and he kept holding and whipping you in the face. You were crying and trying to scream, but it didn't work out. You could not believe that yiu would be taken by force for the first time, it was scary, there was only one thought in your head, no one would come to help. Your tormentor was already trying to pull off your blouse when the bedroom door opened abruptly. You didn't immediately understand who entered, but you tried your best to make it clear that you needed help.

— Get the fuck away from her. — the voice is more like a growl. The rapist turned pale, he probably knew whose sister you were and was afraid of your brother, who was destroying him with a look right now. A sharp blow put the asshole on the floor, blood gushed from his nose. You quickly covered yourself up, trying to find the rest of your clothes. Billy beat him brutally, could have killed him, it seems the guy lying on the floor lost a couple of teeth, and Hargrove continued to beat him furiously, he didn't care about the rule "lying down don't beat". And when the loser lost consciousness, Billy threw him out the door like a piece of rag. Then he picked up his sister's underwear from the floor and threw it to you.

— Thank you. — you whispered softly, your voice shaking more than your knees.

— Get ready faster, let's get the fuck home. — Billy growled, as if accusing you of having to leave the party earlier. You go down to your "brother's" car as quickly as possible. Your legs are still shaking, it makes it very difficult to walk, it seems that you are about to fall.

***

Hot water burns painfully, you want to wash off this whole day, from disgust for yourself and your body. You just want to peel off your skin, mascara smears on your face, you rub yourself to the blood with a washcloth. You want to forget about these disgusting touches. The next stage is to turn your legs into a bloody mess again, again you grab an old stationery knife. And as soon as you spent the first time on the tortured skin, the door to the room opened abruptly.

— Fuck. — you jumped out of bed abruptly, still clutching the knife, you did not understand how it was possible to forget to close the door.

— What the fuck is this. — Billy exhaled, seeing blood dripping on the floor.

— None of your business. — you put the knife down on the bed and wanted to roll out your pant leg, but the "brother" had already seen the scars. He slowly closed the door, approached you.

— You're totally fucked up. — he barely restrained his scream, realizing that it's better for parents not to see this.

— Maybe I am, why does it matter to you? — roughly you tried to push the guy away. Billy grabbed your arm. Rolling up the sleeve of the shirt, then the second, and the pant legs. His eyes widened in horror.

— What the fuck is this. — he continued to hold you wrist, without taking his eyes off the many scars, bruises and burns.

— That is. None. Of your. Business. — you said.

— Oh no, it is, the fuck you're doing this for? — Billy didn't understand anything, but he was terribly angry at his fucking sister, if you killed yourself, Billy's life would become even worse, all the anger of his father would be directed at him alone.

— I'm not going to explain anything to you. — you tried to pull your hand out of your brother's tight grip.

— No, you will! Otherwise, I'll tell parents about everything and let them take you to a shrink. — Billy growled.

— You won't do it! — tears flowed from your eyes, it was scary to imagine what would happen if Neil found out about it.

— Then answer me. How long ago and why, immediately! – Billy abruptly grabbed you by the shoulders, shaking you.

— About six years, because of you, Neil and other assholes in my life, which I hate! — you shouted into his face, tears streaming down you cheeks. Billy abruptly pushed you away.

— Because of me too? Maybe you really want to die too? — he was angry and you were scared.

— Maybe I really want to die. — you said it very quietly, Billy froze, these words made him sick, made you break down. You gave up. On the one hand, Billy felt victory, he is not as weak as his "sister", but on the other hand, for the first time he was really scared for you.

— Give me the knife. — he stretched out his hand, you backed away, clearly not wanting to give it away. Then Hargrove abruptly threw you to the door, grabbed a knife, and conducted a real search, taking away everything that could harm you.

— Don't you dare, this is mine. — you tried to block his way.

— Fuck you, crazy. — he easily pushed you away, and slamming the door, left.

Megan quietly sank to the floor, hugging your knees with your hands. You were sobbing soundlessly, shuddering all over, choking on your own tears. You knew he wasn't scared for your life, he just decided to take away something important again. You beat the floor angrily, breaking your hands into blood. In your head, a voice almost screamed — I hate, I hate, I hate!

***

You didn't want to go home, it was already about 10 pm, and you were slowly approaching the house, your thoughts were still blurred, because you had spent the last couple of hours with Eddie. When you went home, you immediately felt that something was wrong. The whole family was sitting at the kitchen table. Mom was in tears, Max was paler than a sheet of paper and with tear-stained eyes, and even Billy's look was as if someone had died. Your blood turned cold and your hands shook from the look of your stepfather, he looked at you with such anger and disgust, like an animal on prey, it seemed he wanted to kill you.

— Hello?.. — you began uncertainly.

— The little bitch has appeared! — stepfather grabbed you by the jacket, hitting you painfully against the wall, and pressing your shoulder blades against the closet.

— God, I didn't do anything. — you looked for help with your eyes, your mother stood wringing her hands and lowering her head, Max covered her eyes with fear, and Billy.. Billy jumped up from his seat and took a few steps to his father, since he is ready to protect you, apparently this is the end, the irreparable happened and you are going to be killed now.

— You didn't do anything, you little pervert? — stepfather waved a black notebook in front of your face.

— Where did you get my diary from? — you croaked.

— I'm asking the questions here! — stepfather shook you with such force that your head was spinning — So Caden, right? Little whore, we didn't raise you like this! — you were crying, squeezing your whole body into a ball. — Maybe you should be sent to a Catholic school, you'll be brainwashed there quickly, and you're an ungrateful bastard?! — he shook you again. — Or maybe I should find you a boyfriend myself? Answer me! I'm talking to you! — anger overcame the fear inside, or maybe it was because the drugs turned off the instinct of self-preservation.

— Fuck you. — you growled through your teeth, seeing the rage in Neil's eyes.

— What did you say? — everyone's blood was freezing, Billy looked at his sister with horror, it seems that you really didn't appreciate life, because to say such a thing to her father is tantamount to suicide.

— I can fuck with anyone I want, you don't tell me, you're nobody to me at all! — you forcefully pushed your stepfather away.

— Scum! — the slap knocked you down, you clutched your cheek, tears blurred your eyes, you couldn't see anything.

— Get out of my house! — you froze.

— Mom... — you were looking for help. He can't just throw you out on the street, but your mother won't help, it's more important for her to stay with a roof over her head. And where will she go with two children without anything at all.

— Get out! And don't you dare come back, you fucking retard! — you jumped to your feet and started running, not really knowing where. But with one goal, to finish it all.

***

Billy replayed your words with horror — "Maybe I really want to die." There was only one place in this disgusting city to finish everything, and Billy wanted to be on time so damn badly. He knew, now he knew for sure that you were capable of this, and despite hating you, he definitely did not want your death, and now, apparently, he alone could help his sister.

***

You looked down from the cliff by the lake, a huge height, one step — and you're dead, everything will end, there will be no more pain, fear, tears, nothing. The cold wind ruffled your hair, tears flowed and flowed, you tightly squeezed your eyes shut, taking the last step..

— Hey, fuckin stop! — strong hands grabbed you at the last moment, pulling you away from the edge with force. You resisted, bit, kicked, trying in every possible way to force your brother to let you go.

— You cant even let me die in peace! — you shouted.

— Calm down, motherfucker. — Billy tightened his grip on your waist.

— What difference does it make to you, you hate me anyway! — you became hysterical, and then went limp in your brother's arms, choking on tears. Billy turned you around to face him and took you by the shoulders.

— It's not like that, of course, I'm not thrilled with you, but you don't deserve to die yet. — and then he did what none of them expected, he hugged his sister tightly to him, blocking the whole world with his body. You grabbed his shirt, squeezed it, as if you were afraid he would let you go. You sobbed, clinging to the chest of your "brother", choking, and he just kept silent, gently stroking your shaggy hair. You didn't know exactly how long it took before you could breathe again, you both were sitting on the grass as far away from the cliff as possible.

— I still don't know what to do next. — you took a cigarette from your brother's hands.

— We'll figure something out, sister. — this word made you feel somehow awkward, uncomfortable

— Don't call me that, it's weird. — you muttered, snuggling up to your brother.

— Okay. — grinned Billy, putting his arm around your shoulders.

[lumaxramblings]

How does the relationship advice Max gave relate to childhood trauma?

I HOPED SOMEONE WOULD ASK LETS GO

so this is the advice she gives to el, right? what i'm going to go into here is max's trauma about her parents' divorce and her feelings on her stepfather.

this is quite long so i've divided it in parts for you: part 1 which has two sections ('the divorce' and 'emotional abuse') and part 2 which has one section ('conclusion'). the first two sections are basically explaining what happened within max's family, the conclusion is how it all affects max and a tl;dr of sorts.

ALSO THIS IS NOT BILLY HARGROVE FRIENDLY, GO AWAY BILLY STANS

TRIGGER WARNINGS: discussions of divorce and emotional child abuse (nothing graphic)

THE DIVORCE

so, the first question out of the way: can divorce cause trauma? the answer is a quick and easy yes, especially in max's case.

in the book runaway max, which is probably at least half-canon, max describes both her parents. her mother seems to be quite weak-willed, but still seems to just want the best for max. however, it is clear that max doesn't get nearly as support as she needs from her. max is an incredibly understanding and kind child, because she understands that her mom isn't really the supportive type, more like someone who takes care of her without the emotional support part. (NOTE: susan is NOT abusive. one of the reasons why she can't support her daughter is because they understand the world, themselves and each other in drastically different ways: susan cannot reach out to max because she doesn't understand her, and therefore cannot give her the emotional help or support she needs).

sam (max's father) on the other hand clearly understands max much better and doesn't question her boyish style or how she's Different than others (which could be autistic coding but thats for another day asjhshjs). in this case, he could be there, but he isn't, being too busy for her.

we can assume that max, as she was so young, was not given a talk about the divorce as a whole after the divorce had actually happened, given that her mother doesn't really seem the type for big, emotional conversations. she most likely got a simplified version of what was happening and why she'd be seeing her dad less because she was so young (around 8-9 based on max/billy's memories), which lead to misunderstanding and, as her father understood her more, she was naturally defensive of her dad (which is why we see her quick to defend him in the bus talk), and naturally a little resentful of her mom, especially considering she didn't truly grasp what had actually happened due to being so young.

this resentment would grow when susan starts dating again: in runaway max, it's mentioned that susan had flit from boyfriend to boyfriend, each of which eventually leaves because of personal issues (gambling, debts, etc). max sees this as a kind of betrayal to sam, and a complete change in what her family had been like - she would later know, around s2, that the cracks had always been there, and it was just a matter of time, but for now she's too young to think that her ex-family was anything but perfect, so she holds resentment towards her mom and starts to put her dad on a pedastal, as well as thinking that men are liars and cheaters.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

then susan marries neil, and with him comes billy. max, at first, was hopeful that she'd have a family again after her last one broke, only to be let down very quickly. here's a heartbreaking excerpt from runaway max:

billy doesn't treat her like a sister: in fact, he insists she's not his sister constantly, and emotionally abuses her.

'yes, yes, anthony, but what is emotional abuse?' i hear you cry. here's a definition from google itself:

Emotional abuse involves controlling another person by using emotions to criticize, embarrass, shame, blame, or otherwise manipulate them. While most common in dating and married relationships, mental or emotional abuse can occur in any relationship—including among friends, family members, and co-workers.

the parts in bold are the parts that are relevant to max herself and billy's abuse of her. here's some symptoms and signs of emotional abuse, as well as some examples of said symptoms, taken from healthyplace.com:

you'll notice that billy has almost all the signs and shows off many of the examples given, particularly in episode two. there's this great post by @madcleradin (hey sierra, tell me if you want be untagged) with my reblogs to show the examples themselves and this is the root of max's self hatred and self blame, but the very short tl;dr version is that his abuse of her affects her perception of others and herself in a negative way.

neil also plays a role in this - max probably thought he was just another one in the list of shitty boyfriends, except when things started getting more serious, she started to get confused, though she was happy when told that she was going to have a family again, because at the time she was still in the mindset that 'family = comfort' because again, she was never told what caused the divorce, which lead to her thinking it was sudden and doesn't alter her view of what 'family' just yet.

she was excited to have a comfort, excited to have someone to talk to other than nate (her best friend), because she still associates family with comfort. but when billy abuses her, at first she's confused on why family would treat family like this. that's when her view of what family means does a 180º.

because they told her that neil and billy were family, she started associating the word 'family' with violence, fear and control. as she grew up, this just got planted more and more deeply within her, all while she still resents susan a little for a) leaving her dad and b) marrying neil and bringing him and his son into their life, a decision which has only lead to fear and pain on max's half.

CONCLUSION

you may be wondering what any of this has to do with max's advice to el. well, dear anon and readers, i am here to tell you.

in this, max isn't seeing mike as how she remembers him, and is thinking back to all those times those shitty boyfriends of her mom did the same thing, not realizing that it's not like that because mike genuinely does care about her and because they're fourteen (yk how when you're young you don't feel young until you look back when you're older? yeah that) it's not that deep yet. max has been thinking and calling the shitty boyfriends pieces of shit for years.

NOTE: max does NOT think mike is a bad person, nor does this mean she hates him. she just thinks what he did is shitty, but she clearly thinks he can make up for it (note how she says 'if he doesn't fix this, doesn't explain himself', which i doubt any of the boyfriends of her mom did). this is NOT a mike hate post, he's one of the characters of All Time, this is just about max's trauma !!!

now, this obviously isn't her talking about lucas (see here why honesty is a vital part of why lucas and max are friends), so max is almost definitely referring to her mom's boyfriends and can't see that mike isn't like those guys, as mentioned above.

this is straight up projection. really, all of max's lines regarding mileven this season are just projection, but this really shows. i cut out the part where she says that if he doesn't explain himself, then el should dump his ass because that, as mentioned above, is because mike is still her friend (if tentative because yk).

she doesn't understand why her mom can't just up and leave neil, and so when she sees el who she probably subconsciously parallels to her mother (in runaway max, her book, she describes her mom as "her personality changing into every guy she meets", so she's scared of that happening to el) and so she unintentionally projects her desire for susan to break up with neil onto el.

she wants susan to break up with neil, but as she can't have that and she has trauma from living in close quarters to an abuser she's dealing with her trauma this way.

NOTE: she is NOT using el only for her own gains. she genuinely thinks this is good advice, if only because of her warped perception of love and her mother's (failed) relationships.

this line is also evidence of max projecting onto el and mike, except this time she's not projecting her mom onto el, but instead herself. we know, via scenes in season two, that billy is extremely controlling of max. he gives her unspoken and spoken rules (unspoken would be don't speak back, don't blame him, etc etc; spoken would be the threat of what he'd do if she 'disobeyed' him). she has been controlled for a good near-half of her life via rules, especially considering we can presume neil also controlled her (although much less than billy did). she's been so roughly handled and controlled using rules, rules which she has to go by to survive in that household, that she literally can't see the tons of rules put on el being for her safety, because that's never how it's been for her.

a tl;dr of that paragraph: rules have been used on max with malicious intent for so long that max cannot recognize that the rules on el are for safety and come from a plce of love.

and a tl;dr for this whole essay: all of max's advice stems from her childhood trauma from her parents' divorce, her mom's boyfriends who were liars, and her abusive stepfamily

hope you liked this extremely long essay.... and aren't too upset when you asked for a page and i made you a book shshjshjhjss

yeah this was very long but i loved talking abt it, slr i've been busy but i've been excited to get this finished.

also... if im gonna be honest most of this was just me looking way too deep into what were actually just jokes abt female humor by the duffers and ik that but also like. its a trauma thing because max's experience of love and men is very different and shapes how she views them so ofc her relationship advice was off

anyways if youve read all that i'm platonically in love with you

[lorifragolina]

Let's live a little

I'm going almost for half the Bingo card! It's my fourth fill, square C2, prompt "Let's live a little". This work belongs to the Harringrove droplets series (where they are settled in California and try to find their way). It's a sort of introduction for the next work for the prompt "Loss of control".

Title: "Let's live a little"

Square & Prompt: C2 "Let's live a little"

Rating: General

Word Count: 1312

Major Tags: Harringrove, domestic life, money, date night

Summary: Steve and Billy happily live together, but Neil Hargrove's ghost still haunts Billy. Steve has an idea to distract him and spend a different night together, along with a lot of money!

Read on Ao3

Steve knew perfectly who he had to blame for that. 

Neil Hargrove in his best moments, of course. As for many, many problems in Billy’s life.

Steve didn’t notice it at the beginning; he never had to think about money, not seriously, his parents had pushed to work for his minor expenses but he never had to struggle for the bills, the rent, the groceries, and either for saving or having a pillow for a rainy day. 

When he moved in with Billy, he had to deal with the basic money for living, but fortunately they both had decent salaries and it wasn’t really difficult making ends meet. 

And fortunately, Billy was a better administrator than Steve, he was used to set aside any little money he can put his hands on, and planned his expenses carefully, so he started managing their finances there, in California, and Steve was happy for that at first; he didn't know how to start and Billy was prepared. 

It took a little time for Steve to notice that Billy was not only well prepared to manage their money, but rather obsessed with it. Steve gave Billy his money when they paid him, and Billy religiously splitted the money in various envelopes, classified in a shoebox with labels and a color system that Steve didn’t bother to learn: one envelope for the rent, of course, one for the bills, one for the groceries, one for other expenses like the subscription to the videoclub or the gym, the extra saving and other personal things; Billy gave Steve the remaining money back and they never discussed about their handing; Billy was at peace and Steve was happy without worrying about trivial questions. 

He had the first hint the day he wore Billy’s denim jacket by mistake, he took it from the rack in a rush and noticed it only on his way for work; it would be a minor incident if he hadn’t feel something strange, rigid and crunchy sewed inside the lining of the jacket; it sound like a few dollars and it seemed quite strange to him. Later, at home, he also checked Billy's leather jacket and found the same thing; he got suspicious, he knew how such things worked although he never needed them, so he took Billy’s boots and checked inside, finding two fifty bucks under each sole. He searched between Billy’s things, those he hid at the top of the closet, and found various rolls of bills hidden in books and little cans, and finally he checked the Camaro and found some hiding with money. 

He knew enough to understand that Billy was prepared for a possible run, not only as a remote possibility but as an actual risk; he was ready to run at any moment and always had some cash with him, like in Hawkins, after all, waiting for the point of no return with his father. 

When they started dating in California, Steve remembered that Billy was a little more free and didn’t save that much, but after some months things had changed, exactly from the call where Max advised them that Neil Hargrove left them out of a sudden, in october. 

Billy started being obsessed with his father, he feared Neil was able to track him down and make him pay for running away and above all stealing his money. 

Steve was angry with that man, although he thought he couldn’t find them in Los Angeles, but he hated him also because he forced Billy to be too cautious with money, and afraid to allow himself a little treat from time to time. 

“Here you are,” Billy handed Steve a bundle of money, the remaining from his monthly planning. 

Steve was tired of seeing him always bent on the table with his expenses notebook, obsessed to make ends meet and doing things well. 

The hair was getting hotter, near the Californian summer, and Steve was tired to live like a recluse because of what Neil Hargrove had taught to his son. 

“Hey, let’s go to the city for a night, as in the old times,” he waved the money under Billy’s nose. 

Billy looked at the money and then at Steve.

“I am a little short this mouth,” he murmured, lowering his eyes again. It wasn’t really true, but he was trying to save as much as possible, and Steve knew. 

“Don’t worry, I'll buy,” he smiled, waving the money again. “Come on, Billy, we haven't gone out in ages”.

Billy tapped on the table. “What do you have in mind?”

“Let’s see… a dinner in the most expensive restaurant we can find, then we can drink something and go clubbing to the early hours. I’m buying,” insisted Steve. “We deserve a fucking break. You deserve a break”.

Billy chewed his inner cheek, then shrugged. “Ok, why not. You’re buying,” he smiled and Steve clapped. 

When Billy came out of the bathroom, well groomed and well scented for the date, he was stunning, but uncertain. 

“Are you still sure it’s a good idea?” He shrugged a little, sleeking the black shirt Steve gave him at Christmas and he had barely used since then.

“Absolutely,” Steve admired his boyfriend and his beauty, how he was able to get ready with a few wise touches, the watch, the bracelet, the rings and the necklaces, his curls and his colony smelling expensive, the lipgloss he always wore. “You deserve it. Let’s live a little,” concluded Steve, unbuttoning a couple buttons more on Billy’s shirt. “Done. Now you’re perfect”.

Billy smiled and nodded, taking his hand and following him to the car.

The restaurant was very elegant and very expensive, as Billy’s curse look at the menu highlighted eloquently.

“Don’t worry, babe. A day it’s a day”.

Billy pursed his lips, looking carefully around like he expected to see his father sprouting up suddenly, but Steve discreetly showed his money again, in the pocket of the designer jacket he wore, and Billy relaxed. They seemed like two executives treating themselves and flashing money every now and then, and with a couple glasses of an expensive and overrated wine, Billy relaxed and started to find the situation really funny.

“Do you think all the people here imagine that I fuck you and I’ll undress you very soon?” smirked Steve at a certain point, fidgeting with his salmon starter. 

Billy blushed and nearly choked with his bite, but then he burst out laughing openly.

“Shit, this wasn’t really smooth,” he laughed.

“Didn’t want to be smooth. After spending all that money I expected at least to get laid”.

Billy laughed again, sipping his wine. 

“I’m sorry you’re wasting your money, I’d sleep with you for free”.

Steve winked. “Of course, I know”.

At the end of the dinner, they were way more tipsy and stupid, and they kept laughing at each other silliness. It was ages Steve didn’t see Billy so relaxed and at ease, and he took his hand while walking to the car.

“Let’s take a walk on the beach,” said Billy instead, dragging him to the beach road. 

Steve pulled Billy towards him and kissed him at the moonlight of this warm and scented June. 

They took their shoes off and walked a little on the fresh sand, hand in hand. 

“Let’s continue our night off?” said Steve after a while. 

“What do you have in mind?”

Steve thought a little, then he smirked with a sort of crooked smile. “I just had an idea”.

“Don’t know if I like your face now”.

“You’re going to like it. You’ll see. You’re nineteen. Let your hair down and let me help to lose control”.

Billy bit his lip, grinning to him. He grabbed Steve’s face and stole him a breathtaking kiss. He nodded.

“Let’s do it”.

Steve laughed and dragged him by his hand.