#no braincells were consulted

[justaghostingon]

In Which Kaeya and Kaveh Have a Horrible Missunderstanding

It starts at a bar in Sumeru. Kaeya is technically on buisness, but really he’s just having “fun” if fun is meeting another khanrian who drops a lore bomb, steals Kaeya’s company (traveler), and leaves without paying the bill.

Somewhat shaken up, kaeya walks up to the bar where he meets Kaveh, who is bemoaning his strained relationship with Alhaitham.

And maybe Kaeya’s feeling nostalgic surrounded by all this wine, maybe Dain’s words about the Alberichs made him want to reaffirm his place in the family that wasn’t crazy (if u count Diluc’s Darknight heroing as sane) but he finds himself emphasizing with Kaveh, and begins to tell his own story.

The two quickly realize their stories are quite similar. Kaveh talks about how his mother left him and Kaeya tells him about how his dad left him too. (Kaeya does not mention he was a very small child at the time, and not a college student, he thinks this is obvious. It is not. Kaveh doesn’t make that connection and it will come back to bite him later)

Kaveh bemoans how he found himself someone he thought he was going to make a new family with, indirectly talking of his secret college dream to marry his first boyfriend Alhaitham (he’s not direct because how embarrassing would that be? Kaeya gets it right?) kaeya emphasizes with his own hopes with diluc and master crepus (both who he uses first names for because he feels like he doesn’t deserve to call them brother/father. But it’s fine, it’s implied right?)

Then kaveh gripes about how it all fell apart and they had a big fight ( “Same” kaeya goes) how it emotionally destroyed him and Alhaitham is now letting him live in his house and that has to mean something, right?

This is when Kaeya, drunk and very much a busybody, (and projecting hard) offers his services. He wants to help these two brothers reconnect

Because kaeya has come to the mistaken conclusion that alhaitham and kaveh are brothers

Kaveh meanwhile, thinks diluc and kaeya must have been dating

Both are very, very wrong

Kaveh takes one look at Kaeya’s fashionable clothing with its daring V neck and thinks Kaeya must be a suduction master who’s taken pity upon him

He agrees

Kaeya starts with reconisence, since Alhaitham is still letting Kaveh live with him, it can’t be as bad as him and diluc, but it never hurts to know ur target

He stalks alhaitham’s schedule, and figures out what he can gleam about his personality.

“The first step is to be where they are,” Kaeya starts, “You’ve got a huge advantage because u share a house. Be useful. Remind him that he needs your support, even if he doesn’t like it”

“I already do the interior decorating! And cleaning! I even cook sometimes!”

“Excellent!” Kaeya claps his hands. “He relies on u, now u just need to figure out what his biggest secret is.”

“I …what?” Kaveh blinks “why? U aren’t seriously suggesting blackmail?”

“It’s not realllly blackmail.” Kaeya waves his hand. “U just want him to know u could, if u wanted too, but u don’t.”

“That’s not going to work on alhaitham, he doesn’t really have secrets” Kaveh says, privately thinking that maybe Kaeya’s not as good at this as he previously assumed.

“A shame,” kaeya sighs “ur sure he’s not moonlighting as a vigilante? Keeping a secret like that is a great way to force them to begin to trust you again.”

“…No” kaveh now definitely thinks Kaeya is not as knowledgeable as he though he was. And might be a little crazy.

Hopimg to change the subject Kaveh goes, “all i really want is to know how to have an open conversation with him wjthout our stupid pride getting in the way”

“An open conversation?” Kaeya looks serious. “That’s going to get physical.”

Physical? Kaveh thinks to himself. Is that really all we need?. Could he really be that bold?

“Does he have a vision?” Kaeya asks oblivious to kaveh’s shock

“Yes? What does that have to do with anything?”

“Is your vision a healing or sheilding one?”

“I can self-heal, yes” kaveh crossed his arms “what are you getting at?”

“That’s good” kaeya nods, lost in his own thoughts. “We’ll need a flat area then, mostly private but close enough to call for help when things get violent…”

“WHEN?” Kaveh shouts.

“I’ll stay by to act as an emergency aid. I can sheild when people closeby are close to death…”

“CLOSE TO DEATH?” Kaveh throws up his hands, breaking Kaeya out of his thoughts “What the F are u talking about?”

“Worst case scenarios.” Kaeya frowns. “You’ve had this fight before, you know how deadly it can get.”

“Deadly? Alhaitham and i had a verbal argument! With words!” Kaveh grabs Kaeya’s shoulders. “What happened to you??!!!”

“He tried to take me out with a flaming claymore.” Kaeya crosses his arms defensively. “It’s how i got my vision.”

“And you still want to get back together????”

“Yes? He’s all i have left.”

Kaveh opens his mouth, and closes this mouth, realizing for the first time in his life he’s to angry to speak.

Wordless, he leaves kaeya and goes straight to Alhaitham

Alhaitham looks up but before he can say anything, kaveh gives him a big hug and buries his head in his shoulder.

Alhaitham is shocked, but hugs back. Kaeya is shocked, becuase he’d never take a risk like that! But Alhaitham was hugging back! Should Kaeya try that?

“Thank you for just being a bit of a dick and not a psychopath”

“Are your standards really that low?” Alhaitham snarks, trying to cover how confused and offput he is by this all.

Kaveh just smiles and kisses him full on the mouth.

Kaeya who at this point, is convinced kaveh and ahaitham are brothers, promptly faints.

When he wakes, he doesn’t talk to anyone, just walks himself home all the way to mondstat in a daze before sitting at thr angel’s share.

Diluc takes one look at kaeya’s disleveled and dazed appearance and demands to know what happened

“He kissed his brother.” Kaeya says. Staring into his glass like it contained the secrets of the universe

“Some cultures do,” diluc points out, cleaning a few glasses while he waits the bar

“No,” kaeya shakes his head. “Not like those cheek kisses they do in fontaine. He was full on making out! With his brother!”

Diluc drops the glass.

“Diluc…” kaeya looks at diluc with big, watery eyes. “Diluc we aren’t thr most f-ed up pair of brothers. There are actually worse cases”

“Why are you telling me this?” Diluc asks, knuckles white on the counter.

“Because if i have to have nightmares about this, so do you,” goes Kaeya.

“Ass” diluc replies, “if u tried anything like that i’d have you reported to the church for the crime of incest.” but he relaxes.

Kaeya hides a smile. In a weird way, it’s reassuring to know that Diluc considers the idea of kissing him as incestuous. It means deep down he must still think of Kaeya as a brother.

Bonus

Meanwhile in Sumeru:

“How to you help someone who’s trapped in an abusive relationship?” Kaveh asks alhaitham

“I’ve found staging a coup most effective,” alhaitham says, thinking of nahida.

“Great,” kaveh pulls out the blue prints to the dawn winery “get the gang together Alhaitham, we’ve got a Wine tycoon to take down.”

The end

[calliesmemes]

EVEN MORE ABSOLUTELY UNHINGED COMEDIC RELIEF

ASSORTED SENTENCE STARTERS FROM AROUND THE INTERNET, including quotes from Tumblr, Pinterest, TikTok, and X (formerly known as Twitter), for when a muse wants to lighten up the situation at hand.

CHANGE gendered words and in-universe phrases as needed.

SPECIFY muse for multimuses.

“   It’s sea shanty time once again my fellow bastards of the ocean! ”

“   Partner, I reckon that I ain’t been feeling very yeehaw lately. ”

“   I don’t study; I consult the lore. ”

“   Yeah, I understand women — they all want daggers and swords. It’s all quite simple, really. ”

“   Lord forgive me but I may have to make a nonessential purchase. ”

“   Those are bold words for someone in stabbing range. ”

“   Yes I’m a gatekeeper and a hater. I’m also God’s most favorite princess and the most interesting girl in the world. ”

“   My primary motivations are fear, spite, and aesthetic longing. ”

“   Man — if I had a sword, I wouldn’t be worried about shit. ”

“   It’s not blood that runs through these veins but glitter gel pen ink. ”

“   If I was in a Jane Austen novel, I would be the one sent to the seaside for my health. ”

“   Half of me is a hopeless romantic, and the other half of me is … well … an asshole. ”

“   I am the nicest, sweetest, most rage-filled person I know. ”

“   I hope I give off the vibe to all animals that I am their ally and their friend. ”

“   I see you’re paying attention to someone who is not me. Why is that? ”

“   Normalize letting me talk without making any sense. ”

“   Don’t care, didn’t ask, plus my psychic visions have predicted the outcome of this encounter. ”

“   I could be so much worse. For example, I could start acting like my father. ”

“   Sorry for acting so strange and irregular; It will happen again. ”

“   i love sitting in my room.....alone....a girl in her cave....scheming and plotting and drinking tea. ”

“   These man made horrors are beyond YOUR comprehension. I get it though. ”

“   I’m a goth girl on the inside. On the outside? A father figure. ”

“   I don’t need to face reality; I’m not just that type of girl. ”

“   DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A frickle-frackle? ”

“   I’m about to cha cha real smooth off a fucking cliff. ”

“   Sorry I told you about my trauma. Do you still think I’m hot? ”

“   My priorities aren’t straight and neither am I. ”

“   I have felt permanently guilty for no reason since I was like eight years old. ”

“   Of course I have a lot of pent up rage, you fool! I’ve been the same height since I was twelve years old! ”

“   I was born for shock value. ”

“   Good morning! God has let me live another day and I’m about to make it everyone’s problem. ”

“   Oh, I slept miserably because I was tormented by terrible visions all night. I hope none of them were prophetic! ”

“   Be the surreal nonsense that you want to see in the world. ”

“   Being smart has never stopped me from being a complete fucking idiot. ”

“   My hobbies include knowing things and being right. ”

“   This is good advice, but don’t tell me what to do. ”

“   I hate the idea of authority. What the fuck is someone being superior to me? Bitch I’m gonna take your kneecaps. ”

“   Stop forgiving my crimes! I worked so hard on those! ”

“   My hobbies? Uhhhh, symbolism mostly. Metaphors and implications and the like. ”

“   I may not have any braincells, but I make up for it by having many heart cells. ”

“   I can’t mansplain manipulate manwhore my way out of this one guys! ”

“   Not all your life decisions have to be smart. Some can be purely for cinematic value. ”

“   Sometimes I wish I looked more fragile and feminine like a dainty flower, but I do enjoy looking like I hate everyone. ”

“   Any dream can be a prophetic dream if you’re willing to do some really weird shit. ”

“   girl help there is not enough enrichment in my enclosure. ”

“   BRO, you NEED to stop SUMMONING DEMONS in the FRAT HOUSE. ”

“   I just gave your address to some spiders! ”

“   I disappoint my father as a hobby now. ”

“   I think that the dark circles under my eyes add to my aesthetic actually. ”

“   Good news! I’ve successfully replaced all of my emotions with jokes! ”

“   I have half a braincell left and I’m very scared to use it! ”

“   Listen, son — in this world, it’s either yeet or be yeeted. ”

“   I appreciate the advice, but I think that I’m old enough to make my own bad decisions. ”

“   I’m disappointed in me too. Y’all aren’t special. ”

“   Running from your demons is the best exercise! ”

“   Sorry; I can’t commit any crimes with you. My mom says that I have to study. ”

“   Time flies when you don’t know what the fuck is going on. ”

“   If I run out of tacos, I can no longer maintain my human form. ”

“   Bestie, I don’t think that I can girlboss under these conditions. ”

“   Yeah I’ve had combat training; I can do anxiety attacks! ”

“   Swag is earned, not learned. ”

“   Contrary to popular belief, violence solves a lot. ”

“   I CANNOT STAND YOU ALL so I will SIT DOWN. ”

“   Please God no … I don’t need any more character development right now! ”

“   If you can’t beat ‘em, yeet ‘em. ”

“   Do not put me in a situation. I’m at my limit and I am very tired. ”

“   I may be depressed, but at least I’m not basic. ”

“   It’s MY LIFE and I’ll sabotage it myself, thank you. ”

“   Think twice? Bold of you to assume that I think once. ”

“   At the next inconvenience, I will start biting people. ”

“   Oops I think that I just experienced an emotion. ”

“   Did you know that rats spelled backwards is star? ”

“   One day, I’ll be reincarnated as a pigeon, and I’ll shit on your head. ”

“   On the outside, I’m a baddie — but on the inside, I’m a saddie. ”

“   My grandma bullies me through the Ouija board. ”

“   I’m a cool person if you can just look past my personality. ”

“   Beetles don’t have to do taxes, and I think that is a beautiful way to live. ”

“   I hope that you get your character development arc soon. ”

“   Those are some nice kneecaps … It’d be a shame if someone stole them … ”

“   I’ve wanted to be a trophy wife ever since I was a little boy. ”

“   I’m done being baby; I want POWER ”

“   Wait, “Just Standing There Ominously” doesn’t count as socializing? ”

“   Yes I am smart, and yes, I am stupid. It’s called being flexible. ”

“   I am NOT delusional!!!!! I am OPTIMISTIC! ”

“   I deserve compensation for not being the menace to society that i could be, like i'm skipping out on a lot of fun here. ”

“   Do not ask me if you should or shouldn't do something !!! Before I am a friend I am an enabler !!! ”

“   i am the WORLDS PRETTYIST PINK PRINCESS and im gonna KILL YOU WITH MY HUGE FUCKING HAMMER ”

[calqlate]

RE: LOVE & LIFE | THREE

— THOSE WHO SHARE THE MEMORY

SERIES MASTERLIST | PREVIOUS CHAPTER | NEXT CHAPTER

PAIRING(S): zhongli x f! reader + diluc x f! wife! reader

SUMMARY: As the wife of the famous big shot in the wine industry, you have everything you could ever ask for — a beautiful mansion, endless wealth, servants at your beck and call... However, you lack the one thing you yearn for: love. With your beloved husband neglecting you and being stuck in a loveless marriage, you decide to end it all, only to be stopped by a man whom you have never met before, and who also coincidentally happens to be your soulmate. In addition, there just might seem to be more than what meets the eye in regards to your peculiar soulmate, and you just might have to find that out for yourself.

CW(S)/TW(S): contains mentions of suicide attempts

TAGLIST (italicised blogs are unable to be tagged, pls dm me with your updated username): @crescentmoonnn + @deeomi + @esthelily + @holaseniorahoe + @loving-august + @mshope16 + @needsleep3000 + @nerdiel-has-no-braincells + @saintbernardthethird + @seyboo + @thelonelyarchon

A/N: apologies for the wait, uni has been kicking my ass (i'm in my final year of bachelor's rn! wahoo!) which made my brain go to a stalemate for a while. bUTTT i've recently finished tale of the nine-tailed which caused my brain to spur into action again (everyone say thanku to lee dongwook)! without further ado, pls enjoy!

You were presently seated in the Third-Round Knockout, a Liyuen restaurant which was famed for its gorgeous dishes which had a mouth-watering taste. Zhongli was seated diagonally across you to your left and Ajax in front of you. It was an odd combination, really, having a meal together with your business associate and your soulmate in a fancy, high-end restaurant.

From the corner of your eye, you notice Zhongli's direct gaze on you. It was zeroed in on you, making it seem like he was scrutinising every square inch of your face, and yet it made you feel warm all over, making you feel... embarrassed, somehow? You could only take small sips out of your cup of tea, careful as to not burn your tongue.

(Your tongue, or your cheeks, either one was applicable in this situation.)

"Are you familiar with Mr. Zhongli's practice, Mrs. Ragnvindr?"

Ajax's voice pulled you out of your thoughts.

"I'm afraid not." Oh no, was your mind preoccupied with other thoughts while Ajax was talking? "Could you elaborate on it?"

"I should let Mr. Zhongli do the talking instead," Ajax said, "It's better for him to explain his job scope."

"I am a consultant at the Wangsheng Funeral Parlour," Zhongli spoke, "And I simply give people suggestions on how to proceed with their funeral preparations and which packages would best suit their needs. We have a variety of packages for everyone's needs, thanks to Director Hu's business-savvy mindset."

"I wouldn't have expected you to be a funeral parlour consultant," you said, smiling candidly at him, "If anything, I thought you would be an art museum director of sorts."

"He does look the part, doesn't he?" Ajax said with a laugh, "I once mistook him as a CEO of some sort the first time I met him."

"Oh, I understand what you mean," you laughed, "It's in the way he carries himself."

"And the fancy choice of words, too," Ajax chimed in, "That's not all: he's so unusually knowledgeable about every topic!"

"You flatter me," Zhongli shook his head with a smile, "I simply have a good memory."

"Excellent memory, you mean," Ajax corrected him almost immediately, "Anyone would kill for that kind of brainpower. Remember the time you gave advice to that one Fontanian guy who pivoted into film-making? He immediately made a whole lot of money with his debut film!"

You raised your eyebrows. If Zhongli was even adept at advising a novice filmmaker, perhaps he had some good suggestions for your new business plan you had in mind.

"Mr. Zhongli," the dark-haired man immediately turned his head towards your direction as soon as you called his name, "If you would be so kind, I would like to hear your opinion on my business plan."

He straightened his back slightly and interlaced his fingers together, interest piqued as his entire body was turned to face you as he spoke, "Sure, I am all ears."

"This is the business plan I had in mind, which is in collaboration with the Fatui Network..." You launched into your spiel, mapping out the business plan you had in mind (which all of the details had already been discussed with Ajax beforehand), and Zhongli listened attentively. After you were done speaking, there was a brief moment of silence.

"This is indeed a well thought-out plan, but could I make a few minor suggestions?" Zhongli asked.

You nodded, "Please feel free to do so, the floor is yours."

Zhongli began to speak his mind, pointing out what particular flaws and loopholes your business plan might have concerning your consumer base in a respectful and straightforward manner, and what particular negative repercussions might be incurred. You thought Ajax was bluffing when he said Zhongli was insightful; Zhongli was pretty much a wise sage speaking with all the knowledge Teyvat could possibly even offer. If he were a movie character, he would be the wise old pilgrim living at the top of some snowy, out-of-reach mountain that the main character had to climb for months just to reach him.

"...That is all I have to offer, and you might want to take my thoughts with a grain of salt," Zhongli concluded his verbalised thoughts, picking up his teacup again.

"No, what you've just said makes complete sense," you shook your head, "I'll adjust a couple of points on my end. Thank you for your insight, it was really helpful!"

As if right in cue, the food that Ajax had ordered arrived and was served on the table.

"Let's dig in, shall we?" Ajax grinned, and you mirrored his smile and dug your chopsticks into your bowl of noodles as a response.

Ajax left as soon as brunch concluded, scurrying off to pay for the meal first and apologising for leaving first due to urgent business matters.

So that left you and Zhongli alone, standing outside the restaurant.

"Are you heading back to the hotel, Mrs. Ragnvindr?" Zhongli asked, hands situated round his back.

The sun was shining in the sky, but it was not unbearably hot. On the contrary, it was warm and inviting, perfect for an afternoon walk.

You shook your head, "I was planning to go for a stroll. Would you like to join me?"

The man smiled as his eyes softened, "It would be my pleasure."

You and Zhongli walked along the roads of Liyue's capital, taking in the bustling chatter of people and the busy city life. Vehicles were whirring past the both of you, and the rays of the sun ricochetted off the glass panels of the buildings. Somehow, doing something as simple as going on a promenade was much more fulfilling than doing work back home.

"Oh, look! Roadside stalls!" your eyes brightened as you spotted a couple of stalls set up by the road, with old women managing them and selling a variety of trinkets. Without hesitation, you made a beeline towards the stalls, eyes scanning through the products on display. Zhongli joined you soon after, peering past your shoulder to peruse through the items on sale.

"It's nice to see you, Zhongli," a welcoming, gentle voice spoke, causing both you and Zhongli to look up. It was an old woman with her silver hair tied up into a low bun, and a pair of round-rimmed spectacles perched on her nose.

"The pleasure is mine, Street — ahem, Madam Ping," Zhongli returned the greeting.

"Ah, and who's this young lady you've brought along with you?" Madam Ping's eyes shifted over to you, and for a split second, you could see some sort of surprised expression in her eyes. However, it was fleeting and was quickly replaced by a warm gaze and a complementary, friendly smile.

"She is an... acquaintance of mine," Zhongli explained.

"It's nice to meet you," you smiled and gave a little bow (It's customary in Liyuen tradition for younger people to bow in greeting to the older folk, you remembered), then refocused your gaze on the items on display, "You have wonderful wares on display, ma'am."

"Take your pick, child," Madam Ping smiled, then bent over to whisper, "As Zhongli's friend, you're entitled to take one for free."

Your eyes widened into the size of saucers, "Oh, no, I can't do that! You're running a business here; I wouldn't want to make you lose any profit!"

"I insist," Madam Ping shook her head, then nodded towards Zhongli, "He doesn't have a whole lot of friends, so I'm happy to know he's made a new one. I guess you can say this is a little bribe from me to convince you to stay friends with him."

While you really thought you should not be imposing and picking out something for free, you knew you would offend this sweet old lady if you turned her offer down. With a smile and dejected shake of your head, you said, "Alright, then."

Madam Ping brightened almost immediately and you went about the stall, browsing through the wares, discreetly looking at the price tags and trying to pick the cheapest one so that you would not be the first step into driving this poor woman into bankruptcy (or whatever it would be).

Madam Ping shifted over to Zhongli and lowered her voice down to a whisper, "So, it seems you've found her again in this life."

Zhongli hummed.

"This is her last life, isn't it?"

Zhongli nodded, a bittersweet smile taking over his features.

Madam Ping studied his facial expression before speaking again, "You don't seem that happy to know that she's one step closer to reuniting with you."

Zhongli shook his head, "I am beyond delighted to know that she is not too far from reincarnating again and spending her next life forever with me, but..." Zhongli frowned before continuing, "I cannot help but wonder if that is exactly what she wants in her next life is all."

Madam Ping mirrored Zhongli's expression, but in a curious manner, "What makes you say that?"

"I was never her lover in any of her past incarnations," Zhongli explain in a slow manner, as if recalling an archaic tale from long ago, "I had always been a friend, a companion to her. In one of those lives, she told me that she never wanted to live her life like that, having me by her side."

He could remember it as clear as day. The day he saved you from drowning, his body completely drenched in seawater. The fabric of his clothes was clinging to his skin and his hair was tousled and damp. Your skin was pale and your lower lip was trembling, but most importantly, your eyes were filled with tears and you were hitting his body repeatedly.

"Why did you save me?" you wept as your fists struck his chest weakly, "You should've just left me to die!"

"I would never want to see you give up on yourself," he whispered as he swept a stray lock of hair out of your face.

You lowered your head and gripped his clothes, "Did it never occur to you that this was not the life that I wanted?" You raised your head to look at him directly in the eye, a sort of sad fury burning behind your eyes, "In this life, or in any other life, I've never wanted you by my side."

It was a painful yet memorable moment that haunted him every waking hour. Perhaps he had been wrong to even make that contract in the first place. All of this happened because of his selfish desire to see you again, to meet you again, to just stand by your side for another day. He had never once thought about what you wanted. And so, that day woke him up from his self-centered fantasy and caused him to question all his choices. Maybe he should have just let you leave and not hold you back. Perhaps that was what you wanted in the very beginning.

Madam Ping frowned, "I'm sure that's not what she meant. You know she's got a tender spot for you."

Zhongli lowered his head and stared at his gloved hands, "I hope that holds true, Streetward Rambler."

"Ma'am! I've found something!" your voice plucked the two old friends out of their little bubble of conversation, and both of them turned to look at you. You were waving at them, a smile in place as your other hand was holding something small in your palm. You looked so carefree and happy, and Zhongli could only hope you would stay this way forever.

"Don't worry too much, Rex Lapis," Madam Ping whispered as she gave the man a gentle pat on the arm, "I know she wouldn't blame you for your choices."

As the old woman walked off to talk to you and package your procured item into a small wooden box, Zhongli could only hope and pray that Madam Ping's words rang true.

[officialsporkintheroad]

Dear Diary

Fandom: Harry Potter

Pairing: one-sided Tom Riddle/Harry Potter | one-sided Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter | one-sided Ginny Weasley/Harry Potter | one-sided Myrtle Warren/Harry Potter

Warnings: Canon-typical Violence, Tom being a murderous psycho, strong language

Summary: Everything Tom Riddle knows about Harry Potter came to him second-hand from the morons in love with the boy.

---

Despite what one might think, Tom Riddle did not first hear of Harry Potter from Ginny Weasley’s fruitlessly pathetic ramblings on her crush.

No.

He learned the cursed name, Harry Potter, from Draco Malfoy’s fruitlessly pathetic ramblings on his crush.

But let’s back up a moment. It started like this:

It was three weeks to the start of his second year and Draco was in a mood.

(If any of his dormmates had been consulted, they would argue that Draco was almost always in a Mood, capital “m” intended, and that really you’d be better off saving your breath and counting the times he wasn’t having some sort of a fit.)

Three weeks left of summer hols and Draco was still struggling to fully master his new Nimbus 2001. Which was a necessity if he was going to make Slytherin seeker—and he would, he had to, he had to beat Potter. Potter, who had already been made Gryffindor seeker a whole year ahead. When first years weren’t even supposed to be on the house teams or have their own brooms!

All of which he was dead set on ranting about to his father, if only because Father would sneer and huff about Potter too while Mother would merely hum and say, “Draco dear, if the boy matters so much to you, why don’t you write him?”

Except his father wasn’t in his office when Draco went to check. And he knew his father’s study was supposed to be off limits when he wasn’t home, though the particular reasoning as to why had long been forgotten. But he was just so…so irritated.

And there, sitting on a pile of things father had set aside to take to Borgin & Burke’s in light of the more aggressive dark-artifact raids that had been happening lately, sat a perfectly blank diary. Completely unused.

Rubbish, Draco thought, admiring his father’s cleverness because the scheme was obvious: convince Borgin that the diary was some dark artifact and sell it for a decent sum when in truth it was nothing more than a bit of leatherbound parchment that had once belonged to some…Tom Riddle bloke.

Normally, Draco might’ve been put off in using something that was clearly second-hand, but if he only used it to write about Potter…and if he ripped those pages out afterward and burned them…well, what did it matter? He needed to get the words out somehow and this seemed as good an option as any.

So he took it, the diary that belonged to Tom Riddle. And for the first time in 50 years, magic began to stir within the pages.

“Stupid Potter with his stupid curly hair that’s all dark and soft. And his stupid green eyes, looking like emeralds. How ridiculous. And his stupid little smile, the one that’s all smug and his teeth are stupidly straight. And when he’s riding on his stupid broom doing flips in the air—who stands on a broom to catch a snitch? In his mouth?”

Tom could feel himself losing braincells.

Truly, the only thing stopping Tom from outright murdering the insipid child for using his diary for this drivel was the fact that the magical signature was so clearly a nice dark gray. It would be a shame to kill off a potential ally just because they were young and stupid. With any luck, they’d grow up to be powerful and at least slightly less stupid, and even if this trite crush on the thrice-damned Potter persisted, at least the Potters were a pureblood family who had been known to marry in with the Blacks before.

“That is quite ridiculous,” Tom wrote back, because it was always best to seem in agreement with people you were hoping to manipulate. “My name is Tom Riddle. May I ask how you came upon my diary?”

There was a flicker of surprise, hesitation, considering.

“It was on my father’s desk,” the child wrote eventually. “And I’m Draco Malfoy, heir of the Malfoy family.”

“Ah, a pleasure. I knew Abraxas Malfoy quite well when we were in school.”

“Really? He was my grandfather.”

That was quite a bit more time than Tom had been expecting. At his last true memory, Abraxas had only been 16 himself and it was hard to imagine him older, perhaps graying—not that you’d be able to tell, really, with the Malfoy platinum blond—not only married but with children. With grandchildren, Merlin’s beard. He did the math quickly and estimated it must have been at least 40-50 years since he’d made the diary then.

He wondered where his other self was, if he’d accomplished everything he set out to do. If he’d made more horcruxes, the seven they’d planned on.

“And who’s this boy you’re rambling about then?” Even if the nonsense about the Potter child was useless, it was always good to build rapport, let Draco think Tom was interested in what he had to say, that Tom could be trusted. Then he could ask what he really wanted to know.

“Harry Potter. He’s an arrogant snob who thinks he’s better than everyone just because he was supposed to have defeated the Dark Lord as a baby—��

If Tom had any sense of bodily functions trapped in the diary, he would have just choked. As it was, he felt frozen with dread and fury and confusion all blending together. The Potter boy had done what?

“—if you buy into that. Father says it’s just Dumbledore’s propaganda and that the Dark Lord isn’t really dead, so that means that Potter’s just full of shit I mean he’s not nearly as impressive as he thinks he is. Can you believe he refused to shake my hand? As if he, a half-blood, was better than me.”

Just what the hell had happened while Tom had been trapped away in the diary? Clearly his other self had fallen far if he’d been bested by a baby.

At least it seemed that Abraxas’s son was still loyal if he truly believed Voldemort wasn’t gone. And trusted with guarding a piece of Voldemort’s soul, no less.

Yes, Tom was confident the elder Malfoy would do what was needed to sort this mess out.

---

Tom was most definitely not confident in the elder Malfoy. The man was a moron.

Case in point: he’d given away the diary to miserable little mouse of a first-year named Ginny-not-Ginevra. If he was feeling generous, perhaps he would have allowed that this might be a plan to offer up a life-force for Tom to feed off of, maybe even give him the opportunity to open the Chamber of Secrets again. Tom was not feeling generous, however, and so the elder Malfoy was going to suffer immensely once Tom got out of this damned book.

Because what were the odds of the only two people writing in his diary in the past 50 years both having a crush on the same boy, who also happened to be the person allegedly responsible for killing Tom’s counterpart.

If he had to hear one more word about Harry Potter…

“He’s so nice and sweet and handsome. He said hello to me that morning at breakfast, his smile so warm. And his eyes…they’re so green. Like—”

Let me guess, emeralds, Tom thought to himself, eyes rolling.

“—like a fresh-pickled toad. Oh. That could be a good poem, don’t you think Tom?”

Poetry. Dear God. No.

Was this some sort of cosmic justice for making a horcrux? If so, Tom was almost tempted to wish he could take it back.

“Hm. His eyes are green as a fresh-pickled toad/His hair…hm…his hair is dark as…a blackboard. Yes. I like that. And of course he’s so heroic too, defeating You-Know-Who and ending the war. I wonder if he’s like all the heroes in the stories? You know, romantic and noble.”

“Perhaps if you talked to him, you might find out,” Tom offered, trying to keep the snippiness out of his writing. Regardless of whether it was the elder Malfoy’s intention or not, Tom was going to take advantage of this situation to make his great return. Starting with the terror of opening the Chamber, petrifiying as many mudbloods as possible. Then he’d suck the life out of Ginny-not-Ginevra so that she’d never have to burden another soul with her incessant, inane chatter.

And if he was very, very lucky, he’d get the chance to kill Harry Potter too, and he’d make it hurt.

“Oh no. I could never just talk to Harry. What would I even say? He’s too cool. He’d never even make time for someone like me.”

But in the meantime, perhaps Tom could still have some fun.

“Then you must make him see you. Perhaps once you finish your poem, you could send it to him.”

“That’s a great idea, Tom! You’re the best!”

---

Somehow, Ginny-not-Ginevra had cottoned onto the fact that Tom was controlling her. A pity, too, since she’d been so very easy to bend to his will. Her mind was weak, feeble, and it had taken next to nothing to possess her.

Perhaps he’d dragged it out too long. If he’d ended her sooner, she wouldn’t have had the chance to throw him into the women’s loo. The indignity of it was unparalleled, and for that, Ginny-not-Ginevra was going to die slowly, painfully, and screaming.

Especially since Myrtle Warren—who had been enough of a blight upon humanity in his own time—was still loitering around the bathroom where she’d died. On the plus side, she was intangible and therefore couldn’t write. That small measure of good news was massively outweighed by the fact that as a spirit with a very strong tie to the mortal realm, Myrtle Warren was capable of projecting her thoughts. Right. Into. Tom’s. Diary.

Not that she knew she was doing it, but still.

“It’s so miserably lonely here. If only Harry would come back. He’s so handsome and so nice. The nicest boy I’ve ever met. Maybe he’ll die and want to share the bathroom with me. Oh! Maybe he’ll drown in the tub—”

There was a lot to unpack there and Tom wasn’t going to touch any of it. Instead, he tried to project his own murderous intent as loudly as possible to get her to shut the hell up, but either it wasn’t a two-way radio or Myrtle’s own whining was too loud to let anything else through.

If I could kill her again, I would, he thought uncharitably when she started scream-sobbing loud enough to wake the dead.

---

If it had been anyone else—anyone else—Tom would have been relieved to have been picked up off the floor of the bathroom and laid out to dry on a nice desk somewhere warm. But…

“Hello. My name is Harry Potter.”

He’d fucking had it with Harry fucking Potter.

Yes, the boy was decent enough not to ramble and instead got straight to the point. Blunt, though not rude. Curious, if naïve and too trusting. And when Tom had pulled Harry into his diary, the boy’s magic was not the blinding brightness he’d expected from the light’s savior but dove gray. Balanced and soft and—

And Harry Potter was a disappointingly average, useless boy who Tom would not waste another moment on.

He would lure Ginny-not-Ginevra back to him, use her life force to regain a body of his own, and then…

Then, the world would be his.

---

“Ginny. Ginny, please wake up—”

“She won’t wake,” Tom said, stepping out of the shadows.

There, finally in front of him in the flesh, stood Harry Potter. Perhaps Tom should have expected it—didn’t everyone say Harry was heroic, self-sacrificing, a fearless savior? Still, he hadn’t really thought…Harry, able to find the Chamber, able to speak the parseltongue to open it, traverse the passageways only to arrive here, alone and woefully unprepared, and yet somehow still fierce.

Dark hair curling against pale skin, smudge with dirt and grime and looking all the more battle-ready for it. Spark-bright eyes; they really were an almost alarming shade of green. Like the killing curse itself. And yet the most compelling element—something which had to be seen in person to be understood, the very thing that had been missing from all of the disgustingly lovelorn descriptions of Harry—was the angry, sharp, vicious something hiding underneath that veneer of goodness.

Tom wanted to dig his fingers into it and bring it to the surface, rip away all the unnecessary heroism and pretense of goodness, carve until all the was left were the shimmering gems of potential buried not-so-deep in the boy. Tom could do it, too. Harry would not be easy to bend to his will, not like Ginny-not-Ginevra, not like his schoolfellows, not like the teachers he wrapped around his fingers.

No. Harry Potter would be a challenge, and—

Oh.

Oh.

Oh no.

[revvywevvy]

I’m not gonna stop you from your Cheerful Chip fan fiction

Matter in fact To be honest I’m always wonder what kind of wonderful improved artful art than the last art will be with you and Chip will be

It’s just that I’m think there is a certain sad wet cat waiting on the porch metaphorically saying

But beside that, Your Art has improved over the time and I am glad to have witnessed it

-H/B Anon

P.s. I don’t know if the wording color is for you ,for me it’s Black

P.p.s. How bout role swap, our beloved Himbo and Bimbo as Toons and their beloved Chelly as a Cog (a tall Chelly is something )

hiiiiiiii nonny~ hehe thank you very much for all of the encouraging words, I appreciate it so much!!!! <3 don't worry, misty will get the braincell soon. however. for now we have more pressing things to discuss. the role swap au.

You got me going again SOOOO much lmao- Here they are!!!! The poly roleswapped!!! Unfortunately Chelly. does not get much taller lol She's just a bit taller than the tallest possible toon species'. Chelly is based on those cute little vacuums with the little faces on them. You've seen those before, right? If not please look them up they're so cute.

I'LL WRITE ALL THE INFO UNDER THE CUT BC THIS GETS VERY LONG <3

Chip is a wolf toon, and Misty is a sheep toon! Both ideas were by my lovely friend @photon-crest-art whose input I appreciate sooo much!!! her ideas got me going foaming at the mouth crazy over this role swap even more than I already was SDHGDSGHDSHS also tagging @frostbite-the-bat bc they also hyped me up a lot while I was in the process of making all these!!! <3

When it comes to the whole override thing, Chip just. Goes absolutely wild at night sometimes. He's a werewolf!!! But. literally since he's already a wolf. this was also photon's idea thank you photooooon heehee <3

Misty has her weather powers still! So she can still change weather phases and essentially smite people with lightning if they make her really mad lol

Unfortunately both toons are outcast because of their respective 'quirks'. However, to their surprise, one person does support them through it all! They weren't expecting it to be this absolute nervous wreck of a cog who is, surprisingly, very very silly and toon-like! She clings to them like glue, but they appreciate it so much!! I feel like toon Chip and toon Misty would both be very sad very lonely toons, perhaps becoming more prone to bouts of low laff and poor health as such from such a poor mental state. However, they've got each other now and Chelly too!! Just like how the normal toon Chelly's health was pretty shit due to her mental state but improved having Chip and Misty around, she's now able to pay that love back ten-fold in this au!! Hehe it always comes back to 'love heals' with me <3

OH YES AND I WROTE CHELLY'S COG STATS!!!! a. and potential bossfight cutscenes. um. yeah. I went a little overboard haha. these cutscenes are uh. I think they're longer than the ones in-game??? I. don't know. I think they are. sorry not sorry >u<

Manager Chelly

The Mechanician

Location: “Pain, Pain, Go Away” Mechanical Clinic, Sunflower Street [Daffodil Gardens]

Cog Overview

Department | Bossbot

Position | Regional Manager

HP | 4800

Defense | 65

Lvl | 26.mgr

Lowest Damage | 25

Highest Damage | 31

Real Name | Eureka Numa “Chelly” Honeywell

Honorifics | Dr. / Ms. / Mx.

Employee ID | 01899

Likes | Tinkering, Cute and Soft Things, Comfortable Silence, Singing

Dislikes | Unwarranted Judgement, Violence (Most of the Time), Social Overstimulation

Content Sync

100 Laff Soft Cap (107 Max)

All Gags Permitted

Pink Slips restricted

Opening Cutscene 

The Toons enter the doors at the far back of the building, leading them to the real cog clinic inside. The Mechanician is seen speaking to a Flunky. Neither cog seems to notice their approach, as they are focused on their consultation while the Toons get closer.

“...and that should do it then, little sprout!”

 “Are you sure this is alright, Ms. Honeywell? Wouldn’t the Chairman get angry over that?”

At the Flunky’s concerns, the Mechanician fiddles with her hands. She shakes her head before re-addressing the Flunky.

“...R-Right. He may see it as ‘slacking’, but… well. You know how I feel about that. Just… try to heed my instructions to the best of your ability.” 

“Whatever you have the room to do, okay, bud? Remember, your health comes first.”

“Yes, ma’am! Thank you again.”

The Flunky begins to fly away, and with a nod, she sees him off.

“Of course. Come back any time!”

The Mechanician sighs, shaking her head.

“Ugh. You’d think that man-baby would realize sooner… without us all, he’s…-”

She trails off, turning upon noticing the Toons. She startles, letting out a squeak at their presence, but tries to relax herself to make conversation with them.

“Ah! T-Toons?! Uh- Ahem.” 

“Um… hello there! Are you… perhaps here for a check-up? I apologize, but… um, ahaha.. I-I only know how to treat cogs.”

“Unless you… have an appliance in need of fixing? I can do that too…”

The Toons get angry. The Mechanician pulls her hands up to her chest, taking a few steps back, clearly nervous.

“Eep! O-Okay, message received… U-Um… oh, look! Is that, um, a doodle pup?”

The Mechanician gestures behind the toons. The Toons turn around to look, all confused when they see nothing. The Mechanician begins tip-toeing away while they’re distracted. One toon looks back at her and exclaims as they see her try to sneak away. She yelps and breaks into a panicked sprint, running off into another, much larger room room further in the building. The Toons make chase.

She runs into a storage room and to an emergency escape door. However, before she reaches it, a stick of TNT thrown by a toon lands in front of the door. She startles and stumbles away from it before it explodes. The exit is now unusable. She turns, and the toons have caught up to her.

“Oh no… wait, h-hold on..! Surely we can talk things out civilly, r-right?! I… I really don’t want to fight you!”

The Toons refuse and begin to approach, the Mechanician backing up towards the wall as they close in.

“N-No, please!! I don’t want to hurt anyone… please don’t make me! I… someone, help!!”

The Mechanician reaches into her pocket, pulling out a panic button and pressing it with shaking hands. Once she does, two cogs promptly fly into the room, landing at the Mechanician’s sides. The battle begins.

Ending Cutscene (Mercy)

The Mechanician reaches to her power core, hand hovering over it shakily. She is clearly in immense pain, her panic now reaching a boiling point as she realizes how injured she really is. Suddenly, her hands clench into fists and she quakes through the pain, knocking the toons off their feet. The quake doesn’t damage the toons, however.

“STOP!!!! THAT.. IS QUITE.. ENOUGH!!!”

She shakes her head, pulling her hands to her chest protectively and looking at the Toons as they rise to their feet.

“Why…?! I’ve been clear from the beginning that I didn’t want to fight! But… B-But you just won’t LISTEN!”

Her hands rise, holding her head in distress.

“Wh-What do you even get from this… from hurting me?!”

The Toons do nothing.

“I… I get it. This war. It… must be so stressful on you. On all of you.”

“B-But… I’ve been careful… so, so careful!”

The Mechanician turns her head, looking away from the toons for a moment before turning back to them.

“I… I know we’re *supposed* to fight toons, but… I’ve never seen the point. All of this violence is ridiculous to me.”

“All I’ve ever wanted was to stay on the sidelines, and to help those who were hurt.”

“I mean… I’ve never even gone out and fought toons before, anyhow! ...So… why? W-Why me?”

The Toons do nothing.

“...Ah. So that’s why. You see me as a threat… because of what I do for my fellow suits?”

The Mechanician shakes her head in disappointment.

“Have you Toons ever put yourselves in a Suit’s shoes? A-At least… just for a moment?”

“If you did, you’d understand. I… I understand the plight you Toons go through.”

“However, you’re not the only ones suffering. Whether they fall low or high on the chain of command… we all hurt, just the same.”

She pauses, wincing in pain herself. She’s visibly twitching and glitching out.

“Wh-What, do you think we deserve for our pain to stick forever? That no-obody should help us when we’re hurt?”

“......”

“Could you i-i-imagine it yourself? Feeling like gravity’s about to crush you… i-into small, mushy, toony bits?” 

“Where… where all yo-o-ou can do is panic, and hope? Because, at th-that point, there’s nothing you can do? No way to mov-ve, or call out… or anything.”

“...You’d want your fe-ellow toons to help you when you’re hur-ur-hurt and scared, wouldn’t you?”

The Toons do nothing.

“...Right. I’d h-hope so. At the mo-oment it may be all f-fun and games… and I wish it st-stayed that way. B-B-But we.. all know that isn’t the case.”

The Mechanician sighs, twitching more heavily than before.

“...”

“W-Well… perhaps this experience has.. given you some food for thought.”

The Mechanician pauses, seeing an opening in the roof from the battle. She looks at the Toons one last time, expression saddened.

“Now… i-if… if you’ll ex-excuse me. Seems… this repairwoman… n-needs some repairing, herself. Please… if you can help it… d-don’t come back.”

The Mechanician moves to fly away, but one of the toons walks ahead of the group, pausing near her. She pauses, watching the toon for a moment, before nodding.

“It’s okay, I understand. I-I-IIIIIIIIIII-”

“..I forgive you.”

The Mechanician flies away.

Ending Cutscene (Defeat)

The Mechanician reaches to her power core, hand hovering over it shakily. She is clearly in immense pain, her panic now reaching a boiling point as she realizes how injured she really is. Suddenly, her hands clench into fists and she quakes through the pain, knocking the toons off their feet.

“STOP!!!! THAT.. IS QUITE.. ENOUGH!!!”

She shakes her head, pulling her hands to her chest protectively and looking at the Toons as they rise to their feet.

“Why…?! I’ve been clear from the beginning that I didn’t want to fight! But… B-But you just won’t LISTEN!”

Her hands rise, holding her head in distress.

“Wh-What do you even get from this… from hurting me?!”

The Toons attack.

“Gh-!! ……Heartless… y-you’re all heartless!”

The Mechanician pauses, seeing an opening in the roof from the battle. She looks at the Toons one last time, expression disgusted.

“I see now… w-why the Chairman insists we fight you T-T-Toons. You’re just as cr-cruel as some of those suits can be.”

The Mechanician flies away.

Notes

[Sorry no specific Cheats past the usual ‘Cog Capacity’ and ‘Lure Resistance’ ones because my brain is kind of melting right now lol. Also no specific damages listed with each attack besides what I already said above about the minimum and maximum for the same reason.]

Another note about cheats, I know for certain she’d have a sort of healing cheat. Knowing her personality she’d end up healing herself, her allies AND the toons. She just wanna be frens :(

Attacks

Guilt Trip

Water Cooler

Brain Storm

Rolodex

Her employee ID is based on the approximate year the first motorized vacuum was invented.

Excluding her nickname "Chelly", her first, middle and last name are all based on various companies that produce vacuums.

I was initially going to have it that all rewards could be used, but with how cog Chelly is, she'd do anything to ensure that pink slips wouldn't be used. She thinks the canons would hurt the cogs, or that someone, toon or cog, might get hit in the crossfire.

also that 3rd drawing, the transparent one. sticker :)))))))))))

[besanii]

I saw your tags and just wanna say: I still remember you! I was around when 'Double Happiness At Your Door' saw the light of day, and you were one of my biggest writing inspirations, and still are, to this day.

Ahhhhhhh hellooooo!!! Hi!!

DH is my own contribution to fandom where no braincells were consulted and there are no knives.

[alliaskisthepossibilityoflove]

Chapters: 16/16 Fandom: 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV), 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī/Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn Characters: Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, Jiāng Yànlí, Jiāng Chéng | Jiāng Wǎnyín, Niè Huáisāng, Wēn Qíng (Módào Zǔshī), Wēn Níng | Wēn Qiónglín, Lán Yuàn | Lán Sīzhuī, Luó "Mián Mián" Qīngyáng, Lán Jǐngyí, Jīn Líng | Jīn Rúlán, Jīn Zǐxuān, Lán Huàn | Lán Xīchén, Ōuyáng Zǐzhēn Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - College/University, Texting, group chat au, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, everyone is chaotic but especially wwx, disaster bi wwx, Matchmaking, Bad Matchmaking, maybe a splash of light angst just for fun, the most dumbassery u have ever seen, Mutual Pining, Miscommunication, an unholy amount of miscommunication really, chatfic, now with a bonus valentine's day chapter Summary:

wei-wuxian: no lan zhan has been DISQUALIFIED from the chat for being too hot and uptight wei-wuxian: wait i didn’t mean to say hot wei-wuxian: no one tell him i said that

OR: the group chat au no one asked for

[lale-txt]

❣️ One Piece men and how they would realize they have a big fat crush on you (PART 5)

[part 1 w/ Law, Zoro, Shanks & Smoker] [part 2 w/ Sanji, Sabo, Kid & Rayleigh] [part 3 w/ Ace, Izou, Marco & Thatch] [part 4 w/ King, Yamato, Denjiro & Who’s Who]

a/n: part 5! part 5! this might be my favorite fluff series to write. AGAIN sorry if i roasted your favorite— they made it in this series which means i love them <3

Roger

this man might be the king of the pirates, but is he also the king of realizing what that fluttery feeling in his stomach is?

no

Roger is a very touchy man, so it wouldn’t be unusual for him to carelessly pet your head when you were slumped over the bar again, or to rub your back when you were standing next to him, maybe even invite you to sit in his lap when the crew was having a party again…

… or feel the overwhelming urge to pick you up, push you against a wall and give you the biggest kiss mankind has ever seen

he would need some time to think about if he wanted to kiss other crew mates like that too, but came to the conclusion: most of them no, some a hearty maybe but only you, you were the infinite yes

Roger would definitely consult with Rayleigh & Gaban who would only give him a long, knowing stare

”Roger. have you not noticed how they undress you with their glances every time?”

he didn’t, huh

but be assured that he will knock at your cabin door later that night, leaning in the door frame in all his broad chested glory, laughing out loud when you ask him if he didn’t get any of your 1001 hints (one of them was taking his face in your hands and telling him that you want to lick eggnog of his chest. he didn’t get the memo though)

yes you kiss now &lt;3

Luffy

the dynasty of Roger’s strawhat lives on in this one, so it might actually be the same as above but in yellow

i am only 8% kidding

Luffy trusted his gut a lot, head empty only tummy going brrrr

which is why he is confused about the tingling feeling whenever you are close to him. he just devoured a 10-course-menu (meat on meat on meat— definitely someone’s porn title) prepared by Sanji, how could he still be hungry? was it a stomach bug? that sounded like a cool bug though

he’ll be irritated but will mostly ignore it, it wasn’t a bad feeling, it actually felt very comforting which only would draw him closer to you… like literally. you will never have a hammock on your own again. closed bathroom doors? don’t know her. that’s OUR bath time now. personal space? too bad. he’ll breathe down your neck forever now.

one night the crew will discuss crushes and who crushed on who before which is when Luffy learns the definition of what a crush is (surprisingly not something you do to your enemies, though it was a possibility)

it is finally his turn with the braincell which is why he will turn to you, smiling widely, letting you know that you’re his crush then

since it’s mutual you’ll teach him what crushes do when they’re alone, hehe

Rosinante

what is a crush if not the feeling of your heart being set on fire?

Rosinante takes this a bit too literal and will set himself on fire unfortunately, but luckily you’re always here for the rescue

after you tipped another bucket of water over his head, he would sit down cross-legged and laugh out loud, a warm and hearty laugh

“i have to start paying you for saving my ass all the time.” “it’s on the house.”

you would gently take his red hat off his head, wringing it out next to you, before you throw a towel (you had already knowingly prepared) over his blonde hair, rubbing it dry in slow and soft circles

caught off guard by the kind gesture, Rosinante would freeze for a second, mentally saving the picture of your face so close to his forever

wondering how it would feel to have those sweet lips of yours on his…

he would show you a big, wide smile and ponder about this feeling in his chest a little longer, but fear not, this man will probably slip and fall on a banana peel in the next hour and maybe he will land directly in your outstretched arms…

Killer

slurping the bowl of pasta, Killer watches every movement of yours carefully

“every movement” meaning: you getting in another fight with your hot-headed captain over the meal plan. other than Kid, Killer didn’t complain about eating noodles day in, day out

he was actually surprised that the newest member of the crew, you, a little chef, quickly figured out which food he liked and which not

was it suspicious that you asked him daily about his food preferences? a little. did Killer feel flattered by your attention though? very.

when you throw Kid with a surprisingly strong ass kick out of your kitchen, Killer can’t help but laugh. it just slipped from his lips with instant regret. his laugh, the one thing he loathed

he could feel disappointment rolling over him when you spun around on the spot, staring at him in disbelief. you would probably laugh at him and then…

instead you caught him off guard, when you came running to him, grabbing him by his arms and almost cry with joy over finally hearing this beautiful laugh of his

you… you really liked his laugh?

in this moment Killer was happy about wearing a mask to hide his blushing cheeks, something that had never happened before

he would lay awake that night, staring at the ceiling, wondering why his heart wouldn’t stop racing and why there was always your face whenever he closed his eyes

luckily someone would knock at his cabin door, asking him if he was up for sharing a milkshake together. you brought two straws…

[sevilemar]

So how do you sort the cast from Our Flag Means Death ?

Well, I consulted (or rather appropriated their ask, but lets not split hairs) with the one who shares my braincell in another dimension @piggledy-higgledy, and we proudly present The Sorting Of The Gay Flag Pirates!

Stede Bonnet: Stede is a double lion if I ever saw one, with a nice little badger secondary model or performance. He leaves his family because becoming a pirate is his big vision, the reason why he was put on this earth, and nothing is gonna stop him. It is most likely a felt conviction, because I can't imagine he has many information about pirate life that goes beyond the sensationalised horror stories he is forced to tell when he gets back. And he leaves Ed behind, even if he really doesn't want to, because that damn twin brother convinces him it's "the right thing to do".

As for his secondary, snake and badger are right out. Someone who dresses in white to visit a pirate's lair has not an ounce of fluidity in them; unarguably part of his charm. And he's not the most astute planner either, is he? A library and an open fire on a ship? Not even a thought that for a wanted man, going home might not be the best choice? And the way he badassed a ship of posh types into going after each other's throats was pure improv chaos energy.

And yet he does try to badger his crew into some semblance of community in the beginning, only stopping when Buttons tells him mutiny is afoot. And they do come through for him at his trial, so there is at least some badger in there somewhere. I vote performance, because it doesn't look like it comes very naturally to him.

Blackbeard/Edward Teach: Ed is the most glaringly obvious double snake that ever slithered his way onto a pirate ship. He is bored to nearly literal death by a world that holds no challenge, no stimulation, no one to play with, only the dull monotony of "been there, done that, torched the shirt and killed the vendor". He latches onto Stede as the only bright thing in his world of grey, and it's no wonder Stede becomes his person in no time. Running away together is the snake primary dream, and not caring about where or how is the double snake way, because things will work out, they always do.

He is surprisingly good with a posh crowd as long as he's improvising, but when he tries to remember Stede's dining instructions, he messes up. He is Ed for Stede, Blacky for Jack, Blackbird Rockstar for the crew, and No Mercy Blackbeard for Izzy. And they're not actor bird personas either. It's just him, reacting to the people in front of him. We see Ed being creative with the truth when he tells Stede he's never killed anyone after his father, because technically, it was the fire. You could literally point out any Blackbeard/Ed scene, and I'll tell you what's snakey about it.

Jim Jimenez: After the two leads, we probably know the most about Jim, which is awesome all in itself. They were raised in duty, and they have internalised it. I'd say for this, they have at least a badger primary model, if not an outright badger primary. And once they have decided on something, they just do it, no fuss, just quiet efficiency and unstoppable determination. Just ask Oluwande 😉. Their way of solving problems is to throw a knife at it, and they're awfully good at it. Hiding themselves in a disguise is not something they enjoy, even though it helps them find a part of themselves they were missing. And first chance they get, they confront Spanish Jacky in the most open manner possible. Jim is a badger/lion, and I'm here for it.

Oluwande: Let's not kid ourselves, Olu is the true lynchpin of the Revenge. His badger secondary shines through when he tries to coach Stede on how to be a pirate captain and keeps his secret, even though he thinks Stede won't last a week. The crew is onto something when they want to make him captain, because they all know that he truly has everyone's best interest at heart. And he fits in so naturally with the people on the island, it would have been easy for him to stay. But he doesn't, because as a true snake primary, he does not want to leave Jim. Olu is so ridiculously happy when Jim returns, it made my heart sing in all kinds of ways.

Izzy Hand: Izzy is an exploded and burned snake/bird, a classical villain sorting, even though he's not evil, only... misplaced. He very much believes he's in Black Sails, and it's hilarious and tragic at the same time. He loves his image of Blackbeard with every fibre of his being, and he has locked his circles tight. He very much has an us vs. them mentality because of it, with "them" being everyone that's not a serious pirate on Blackbird's crew. He is only convinced to stay on the Revenge once Blackbeard revealed his plan to steal Stede's identity, and Izzy himself is most comfortable when things go according to his plan. If they don't, he doesn't know what to do, and stress-punishes. He is also the mastermind behind the ambush-and-rescue, which involved a lot of moving parts, and would have gone off without a hitch if Ed wasn't such an idiot in love.

Pig and me concluded we know too little about the other characters to properly sort them. Lucius' and Frenchie's snake secondaries were easy to spot (flirting his way out of barnacle duty, and a literal pyramid scheme invented on the fly respectively), but beyond that, we couldn't say. If anyone wants to give it a go, we'll cheer for you! *starts making pom poms and dusting off the old uniform*

Stede Bonnet: double lion with badger secondary model or performance

Blackbeard/Edward Teach: double snake

Jim Jimenez: badger/lion

Oluwande: snake/badger

Izzy Hands: exploded and burned snake/bird

Lucius: ?/snake

Frenchie: ?/snake

[coffeeshib]

Hello! I've just reread your amazing 50k oneshot and have only one thing to report (in the most affectionate way ofc):

idiots (affectionate) i can't stand these gays (affectionate) the amount of reckless touching as they called each other friends while literally no braincells were consulted (incredulity) mm

[bakudekuhell]

the real reason why I ship BakuDeku

While I don’t think that they have good chances of ever becoming canon, it’s absolutely obvious that Katsuki and Izuku are each other’s most important person. They complete and balance out each other better than anyone else. There is no reason arguing with this because it’s literally central to the story. They are narrative foils. It’s the whole point of their relationship. 

Because of this, whoever they end up marrying in canon will most definitely spend the rest of their lives playing second fiddle.

Honestly you cannot tell me that either of them wouldn't ABSOLUTELY bail on date night because the other invited them to consult on a villain case last time they crossed paths. 

HOWEVER, if they were dating and a third party invited one of them to consult, the other would simply tag along. Of course they would because they literally share the same motivations, goals and, now, values.

These idiots share a singular braincell that they have been ping-ponging back and forth to each other since the ripe age of five. 

[wangxianficrecs]

Do you have any wangxian fics with unconventional friendships? Like Lan Wangji being friends with Jiang Yanli, Wen Ning, or Jiang Cheng? Or Wei Wuxian being friends with Jin Zixuan or Luo Qingyang? I love your recs, seeing the edits that you make with them always put a smile on my face!

The ones that I thought of were:

❤️ the best of you by sysrae (E, 42k, wangxian, lan wangji & jin zixuan) my post here.

Summary:  When Jin Zixuan calls in a favour, Lan Wangji ends up renting his spare room to Wei Wuxian.

It doesn’t go how any of them expected.

.

❤️save a sword, ride a socialist by sysrae (E, 33k, wangxian, and also lan wangji & jin zixuan) my post here.

Summary:  In which Lan Qiren and Jin Guangshao are conspicuously terrible, Lan Wangji decides to fake-date Wei Wuxian about it, and literally no braincells are consulted.

.

The Pursuit of Knowledge by Katalyna_Rose (M, 8k, wangxian, lan wangji & nie huaisang) my post here.

Summary:  The library at the Cloud Recesses contains every book anyone could ever need, unless that person has anything resembling a libido. For all that the Lan Sect prizes education and encourages a strong sense of self, it seems to completely neglect any understanding of human sexuality. For Lan Wangji, who has spent about half of his life in love and never had any idea what to do about it, this lack has become unacceptable. With no other ideas of how to solve this problem, he reaches out to an old acquaintance for help, and gains all that he asked for as well as a strange new friendship.

Or, a Repressed Gay calls up a Chaotic Bi to learn how to fuck his dead not-boyfriend.

.

 @ohshititsred says that lan wangji and jiang yanli are friends in this one (which I’ve not yet read):

love on 35mm by fakeplasticlily  (M, 27k, wangxian, lan wangji & jiang yanli)

Summary:  “I am going to Yanli-jie’s,” Lan Zhan grits out. “To film,” he adds pointedly, hitching his bag full of filming equipment a little higher on his shoulder.

“At her flat?” asks his brother, eyes twinkling.

“Yes,” says Lan Zhan resignedly.

“Wonderful,” says Lan Huan. “Although, those sandalwood notes of your cologne - while very lovely and intense - good choice, brother... I don’t think they’re quite strong enough for your channel’s viewers to catch.”

Lan Zhan exhales. Here it comes.

“Unless,” says Lan Huan, “The reason for all this is at your friend’s flat instead? A person, perhaps?”

(AU where film student Lan Zhan is an accidental vlogging sensation under the name Hanguang-jun, keeps running into his best friend Jiang Yanli’s younger brother far more frequently than he’d like, and suffers.)

[inu-jiru]

Why Orion is the most unfairly treated dog in Ginga (both in-universe and by the fandom) and why Rigel is actually kind of a cunt when you think about it

So recent chapters of the nightmare that is Ginga Densetsu Noah have me thinking real fuckin’ hard. Rigel’s now been named Supreme Commander, and I have some serious fuckin’ problems with that considering the literal first thing he did when given the chance to do something leader-y was nearly hand over all of Ohu (right after the Monsoon battle, mind you) to the cunt who captured and nearly crippled his dad, like sure yeah Weed’s a cuntrag and deserves it but Rigel should actually give a shit about him, yet he does this shit anyway. And yeah, maybe this was a trick to go and get reinforcements later but one, I highly fuggin doubt Yip Yip was just gonna be like “Ok cool yall can leave then” when, again, look at what happened to Weed and the Nokizaru, and two, he could’ve brought that shit up with Ohu they were literally right there next to him he could’ve whispered some shit and then pretended like they were consulting it’s not like Yip Yip and the Akashit Squad are all that smart. But that’s besides the point. I bring up Rigel because people are real fuckin’ quick to act like he’s the good brother and Orion’s not worth shit, huh. Orion’s been done real dirty since GDWO and I’ll tell you why.

First of all, no one actually fucking tells Orion calmly when he’s doing something wrong, not even in the beginning of GDWO, they all just fucking screech at him about how he’s a little shit which ofc is gonna make him wanna act out out of spite, and it’s never his parents that do anything, no it’s always other adults who SAY they oughta do something but don’t do it. You could say that maybe they tried being more patient before but we don’t see that and they only ever do this with Orion and not Rigel, who also does crazy shit like that. You’d think Kyoushiro of all fucking dogs would see that Orion’s a tough guy like him and take him under his wing but I guess not because Orion is everything Weed isn’t and Jyoushiro’s quarter of a braincell can’t handle that apparently

Then there’s the fuckin ending of GDWO when Weed isn’t even subtle about how much he worships Sirius’s little baby dick for looking and acting just like him, taking him off to battle and not idk the fucking puppy who’s actually killed two guys because he’s had fighting experience but go off, and then there’s that shit Gin did like yeah punish Orion for not wanting to leave the rest of the army (when he really should not give a fuck about them because clearly they don’t value him). And double fuck you to this fake ass Ohu Army for just standing there and watching Orion get beat for doing something none of them have the balls to fucking try and do, even Izou like wtf man u were more of a dad to Orion in this whole manga why tf are you standing there man

Now Rigel started off like Orion and was a spicy boi who swore and picked on Bella but he had character development with Terumune and learned to be more chill which is cool there’s nothing wrong with that. You know what is wrong with that tho? Rigel’s weird ass behavior of acting like he and Orion weren’t them bois cutting up together in GTLW and GDN, like I know Rigel mostly just fucks off and hangs out in the background but he really acts like he doesn’t know his own brother when he opens his mouth like for example that scene where Rigel just runs the fuck off like a bitch when Orion is pouring his heart out to him

Let’s back up a bit and talk about that for a moment, Gin and Akame really set Orion to fail by being hella cryptic, whether it was Akame seeing that Orion was trying his hardest to try and answer his questions correctly and then WHISPERING SHIT TO SIRIUS LIKE UM DO YOU NOT SEE THAT ORION ALREADY HAS ANXIETY AND IS TRYING TO DO WHAT YOU WANT? and then fucking Gin with his whole “If you move, Paradise will fall and everyone’s gonna fuckin die” like gee thanks Gin why not some actually helpful shit like “Hey, make sure everyone recovers and is doing alright before we plan a new attack” no just scare the piss out of Orion so he’s constantly second guessing himself and has to jump off a cliff to calm down because talking to someone won’t fuckin’ help, so with that in mind, why the FUCK is Rigel acting like Orion’s the selfish one for wanting to go with his friends and protect them from whatever stupid bullshit Sirius and Monsoon are doing??? Rigel doesn’t even apologize or even just stops to talk things over with what should be his closest brother, but nah just bring Chibi’s worthless token good bear ass back and act like everything’s cool, great plan Mr. Supposedly Best Leader Material

I already brought up GDN and why Rigel’s stupid ass decisions make him even worse of a choice for leader than Sirius, but you know what would be a good idea? if Gin had just never fucking retired in the first place, or better yet, actually fucking give Orion the advice he needs and not be weird and act like he’s the problem when you shitasses are just standing around waiting for him to fail

This rant got a little rambly and I apologize but if you managed to get through to the end then that’s hot that’s hot

So uh yeah that’s a load of my chest see ya

[alethiaii]

I blame the absence of functioning brains on Varys and Tyrion after season 4 for not educating Daenerys at all about Westerosi culture, customs and politics. Because to this day I find it hilarious that when Jon came down on Dragonstone (an imbecilic decision by itself plus not consulting with his regent about anything at any time), she legit just expected bygones be bygones and just pick up the contract where it was broken and continue.

Swearing something in perpetuity is all well and good but it is done in good faith and trust that gross insult and tragedy like the 'trial' will not happen and laws would be observed. They were not, therefore no more contract.

Now you negotiate a new contract, starting from alliance to maybe later subjection to one throne. Everything would have gone much better if anyone in Daenerys's retinue would have just used some braincells and accepted the proposal of alliance. Either conquer the entire continent with what you have and put your absolute terms forward or make alliances with concessions. Do not expect to be handed something because you think it's your right when your parent lost that right for you.

[luci-cunt]

Tell us more about the Sherlock Holmes au pls 🥺

ABSOLUTELY I’LL TELL YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING DKJF:LJSD:FLKJSD:LFKJ

So--first of all the biggest thing is that Geralt is 100% Watson and Jaskier is 100% Sherlock and I will die on this hill

Geralt BS--Vesemir’s an old cop who used to help out at a local boys home where Geralt, Eskel and Lambert all grew up, they all regularly hung out/ haunted the old cop’s house until they were going to get split up and convinced Vesemir to adopt them all. It wasn’t super great, since he wasn’t the best father figure (v gruff/ v into being a cop) but they’re all still close. Eskel and Lambert went into lawforce with Vesemir but Geralt went into medicine. Since he’s family with basically half the police force they call him in to bother him/ have him consult sometimes, which is how he meets Jaskier.

Jaskier BS--he goes by Jaskier instead of Julien because his family is old money and stupid. They didn’t like the fact that he “wasn’t normal” and were generally pretty shit to him, so it was a mutual relief when Jaskier left the day he turned 18 to live as a drifter for a while. (Unfortunately this is where he discovered a predilection for cocaine and heroine, but also where he met Vesemir, who recognized his skill in deduction and gave him some money to consult on a few cases and eventually Jaskier just became a staple of the precinct.)

Their first meeting is...... well it's something. Jaskier deduces immediately that "the only way we'd get alone is if the stick up your ass is of a more erotic persuasion" and then proceeds to accidentally fall in love the first time he watches Geralt be competent at his job (aka pointing out "this couldn't have been suicide [insert obscure medical reason]" *queue Jaskier's heart eyes*)

Eskel thinks it would be hilarious to watch them work together again so he tells Vesemir who agrees and they stick them both on a case that ends up getting out of hand

like it starts off as a joke--this family lost their dog--and then it ends up being something entirely batshit--a missing kid, crazy science experiments, transferring of human consciousness, an oliver twist esque orphanage, etc--

So they start off beyond pissed that they have to work together (because bro Jaskier has 3 braincells and they all only activate at the word "crime" he cannot hide the fact that he's terribly, terribly in love. Meanwhile Geralt is just annoyed because he's a grump) but then slowly start easing into trust

Like, Geralt somehow can follow Jaskier’s thought process flawlessly??

ex--

*dog missing ends up leading to the reveal that there's a child missing that wasn't reported for homophobic reasons, which leads to the discovery of a bunch more missing but unreported kids* Jaskier: "We should look through school janitors/ teachers" (because they would be around kids enough to know which ones could go missing without people noticing but also aren't as memorable as teachers) Geralt: "too long of a list" Jaskier: "well how do you suggest narrowing it down then?" Geralt:  "Transfers and proximity." (because the kidnapper would have gotten smarter and realized they should move schools every once in a while but also they'd want to move somewhere close to an orphanage so those kids were going to the school) Jaskier: "Geralt your a genius" Geralt: *grumpy* "This is still a crackpot theory" Jaskier: *smug* "Buuuut you're huuumoring meeee :D"

anyways, this is new for Jaskier, who hasn't had someone that's able to just, follow along with his usual line of thinking without stopping to explain every juncture in his thought process, but Geralt just somehow gets it. Meanwhile Geralt is begrudgingly having a lot of fun, and Jaskier is just too endearing to not adore and so in the end when Geralt's apartment is destroyed by the villain Jaskier offers to let Geralt stay with him for a while and Geralt's just like "I mean.... why not...?"

Queue crime solving :DDDD

idk how much ppl know about Sherlock but--The Countess de Stael could be Irene, Yennefer can be Mary, Vesemir is basically Lestrade, Moriarty will probably end up being Stregobor? But I also kind of adore the idea of it being Yennefer??? Like, make her not totally evil but just Jaskier’s complete opposite who uses her wits for crime and dramatics rather than solving crimes

(Also there could be the drama of Geralt dating Yennefer............. *cough* *cough* XD)

Dunno if I’ll write an actual fic about this but I lowkey want to..... we shall seeee

<3333

[secret-engima]

Reading Worlds Unseen. Some thoughts? I'm trying to get into the HZD side of things, but am also ? cos have no knowledge. What's a Focus? Who are the Old Mothers (was that what they were called, the uhhh 3 ladies)? Is Sylen Aloy and Bast's Braincell? FFXV-wise, is Titus redeemed in this version? Or do events play out like canon? Tredd saved Bast so I mean, doesn't really seem like will turn traitor on own Glaive but this was before treaty news so. Did Bast get Crowe's OG mission? Does Crowe die?

I will absolutely answer some questions if I can because yay someone is paying attention to this AU:

A Focus is a device left over from the time of the Old Ones/Metal World/pick term depending on culture and it’s this little triangle thing that attaches to a human ear and then acts as a little mini computer/scanner thing. It can scan just about anything to identify it, it can translate written text from almost any language, read and play audio logs and holograms, and also (very helpful in game) track the programed routes of the various machines living in the HZD world. Of course since the Old Ones are long gone, most people chalk up what Aloy can do with it to Magic.

The three ladies are the High Matriarchs! The Nora Tribe is a matriarchal society governed by matriarchs. There are normal Matriarchs who are grandmothers that have both living children and living grandchildren and then there are the High Matriarchs who have living children, grandchildren, and GREAT grandchildren which ... proves their wisdom as moms I guess. They run the Tribe, dictate the laws, determine punishments, and consult with All-Mother (the goddess of the Nora religion) for wisdom. They also do blessings and rites for the Tribe such as the naming of children.

Sylens is definitely not the Braincell. Bast is the Braincell when he can be bothered to do so. Sylens is- in canon Sylens is very cold and calculating and hyperfocused on history. I personally HC that he’s some form of autistic? But that’s never confirmed in canon he’s just- the really smart guy who is obsessed with history and technology and starts chatting with Aloy because she’s the first person he’s ever met who can actually keep up with him in that department.

Titus and all things concerning him are currently under Spoilers. Sorry. (Tho I think there’s a snip somewhere on my tumblr that is very spoiler-heavy in regards to his fate? don’t remember)

Bast did in fact get Crowe’s OG mission so no she does not die. :)