#no it's not that ive dealt with everyone for my whole life and now im selfish and dont want to give a shit about anyone anymore

[diegoshargrieves]

listening to my parents talk about me is so fucking funny. "she's dealt with us for so long that at this point she's done. she's mentally checked out from having to give a shit about anyone. can you believe how corruptible she is just because she's almost an adult and she thinks that we're not her problem anymore?"

like man you are literally so close. so fucking close.

[molluskmirage]

alright I think Ive pinpointed my frustration with some of the fandom nature towards purgatory (it is present throughout qsmp but particularly highlighted now with clear teams and hyped favs)

the operation and flip flopping that the fav team is is always., if winning, so smart and cunning but then everyone else must be dumb or not communicating , or that if losing the other team is a tryhard its so unfair poor manners boohoo. Its wearing and I think on a personal level when people discuss ‘unbalance’, Im a disabled person I navigate the world with everyone around me at an unfair advantage. Thats life but I can still live it and live it well just need to think differently and break the mould of ‘normalcy’.

I have never once considered red team weak. I watch blue team. To me Red is op for a lot of reasons, it feels like Bad gets whipped up into this untouchable evil but he’s not, He’s Badboyhalo hes someone everyone on the island knows. If Bad acted so kind prior to purgatory, has saved every egg from neglect and harm in countless numbers, he’s not going to operate any differently Bad is smart and Bad is skilled he is far from untouchable he fights with reason. Jaiden did incredible at handling the devil. It is ‘unfair’ but thats what makes it so cool to see Jaiden get tested and use her wits to handle it. You wouldn’t get the opportunity to see those tactics and brilliance so clearly highlighted without this testing. Being spawn killed brought that out and Jaiden got to be a boss all by herself and her own merit.

Bad is a menace to be dealt with for the other teams for certian but again its not like even the ‘weakest’ members cant combat this, they just have to approach it how needs be. Jaiden weaponized her weakness by letting quackity kill her. It’s insulting for everyone when you need to put down others accomplishments to raise up your favs. Everyone has skills and is working hard. Being present is a huge advantage as thats an asset that Red has over the other teams. Red team is full of people who are close to each other and willing to log on at the same time. A pack is a threat to deal with no matter the skill level but red is also full with pvpers of at least average skill to very skilled. Foolish is on par with Bad in strength he knows bad and how he fights as well. Cellbit fought alongside Bad. Carre and Phillza are better then Bad. And as we’ve seen today on day 4 Jaiden can still use her wits against Bad to her advantage. Slime can also be used to bait bad. Bagerha can use theyre realtionship to manipulate Bad.

Red team is far from poor. Theyre smart and use great tactics and the same can be said for blue and green. All things can be true and your team can still lose or win without it being untrue. Bad isnt as evil from his vantage point with his team but of course he can and is an obstacle or seen as such for others to deal with in their perspectives. Both are true simantanesoulsy. ‘The other team isnt thinking or hasn’t thought of x’ unless you know this for certain by watching both perspective they probably do or have thought about x. Every team is smart with teammates of varying strengths and weaknesses and they all try to use what they can to there advantage.

I love this type of content a whole lot but rhetoric surrounding and putting down efforts of others doesnt sit well with me. Every team has obstacles and its cool to see how they overcome them, love that. Support for your team can be done by singing there praises you can curse someone for out playing but try not to degrade them for playing. ‘They only won because x, they only lost because x’ is discourse that back hands even those you’re trying to praise.

[swervestrickland]

stupid shit under a read more

somehow, just as pride month is starting, it has managed to become hostile on this website. not in regards to pride, but in the circles of people on my dash.

and i will be attributing that to one dumbass famous asshole motherfucker, but i’m also gonna attribute that to people actually believing that the personalities we put out to other people on the internet are the whole truth, and believing you know what’s going on in everyone’s minds. and i will, also, attribute it to the fact that none of you can just be fucking normal without sending each other anon hate. i’ve seen hate being sent to people from both sides of a stupid fucking issue, and it’s really, dreadfully disappointing. it makes all of you look like idiots. and the vaguing’s just as annoying.

i’ve been on this website for literally? 14 years. with this same account. this exact same blog. my entire teenage and adult life is on here. i’ve grown as a person here. a Lot. and yet, now, probably because of some personal shit i’ve dealt with in the outside world as well, i’m finally thinking of taking a real fucking break. and that SUCKS. because i’ve always liked it here. but i think, for now, i need to stay off for a while. im gonna take my own advice.

its so funny bc i was gonna try to let the stupid punk shit go and then a vague from a mutual about “if you wanna know what’s going on with stu and uno breaking up watch roh” was what broke my camel’s back lol just because i reblogged something about tony breaking up uno and stu and tagged it with “WHAT” like i cant even tag shit with my thoughts without being fucking condescended to through a vague lmao. so yeah. it took 14 years but ive had enough of other people on here. gonna try to make friends in real life ok. emphasis on try

I’ll be back in time for Hangman’s birthday week. and by that i mean i’ll probably just queue my posts and try to reblog everyone’s, because i’ll be out of the country then anyway.

gonna try to add some stuff in the queue to last a few days but we’ll see. if i make hangman gifs, i’ll post them to the gif blog as usual but i won’t reblog them here. don’t wanna deal with this blog right now.

bye for now, y’all

[queasyghosts]

shaman king ch 17

im crying omfg this was a heavy chapter im crying i cant!! what an amazing way to end this volume :,)

to be honest i didn’t fully understand the “to kill your heart” phrasing from last chapter...but this is a very interesting way of focusing and not letting your emotions dictate your actions and influence future. if your dream and goals in life are strong and you believe in yourself and hold true to your dream, you will get there little by little.

cool scene!

another cool scene! very gorgeous! i adore these illustrations in between chapters!

i’m not really a person that is interested in watching actions fighting scenes...but Takei Hiroyuki really makes it feel impactful and artful and interesting. it isn’t like other shounen animes where the fighting scenes feel days or even weeks long, but these fighting scenes have purpose, they have a reason and aren’t excessively long. it really enjoy that about this story the most.

its interesting how even in death, they are still very much master and student. and i like this scene because even though pyron is very well-known and is “a master” to many others, he is still a student...as we are all still students and learning and needing a helping hand every now and again. im probably reading too much into this but this series really has me overthinking this way...plus it’s how i process all these profound ideas and concepts.

pyron’s story is one of the few that really attacks me emotionally and i just really feel for him and his struggle. it’s tough because he really has all a strong reason to struggling with himself and everyone like this. but at the same time i love that the story doesn't let it play out too long nor glorifies or romanticizes this inner grief of what he has lost. after letting his anger and frustration out for a moment, he is dealt this his own ego and pride for his goals and dreams and i find that super hard, to choose your dreams over letting yourself drown in these emotions. it isn’t easy.

another very cool scene!!

i love and adore that jun has moved from calling pyron “hers” until she “lost him” because of her loss of complete control but the truth is, and anna said it in the last chapter, that pyron is HER responsibility and she has to take ownership over her actions. like these kids are really doing her a favor at this point. but anyways after that, pyron has “become hers again” after jun has realized that she never lost him but she can.idk what im saying alsdkjfalksdfa im sleepy

[ cue pretty handsome reveal ]

man yoh NEEDS A BREAK! again he went out with his friends and took a break to watch a movie with them and then this happens. he never can catch a break, poor yoh

i love jun’s growth and development in this whole arc like wow. just like pyron, it isn’t easy to realize that you were wrong in situations you have felt very strongly for. it’s also very honorable and graceful of jun to admit defeat to yoh as well and to acknowledge yoh’s own strength and ability and worth as a person and shaman :,)

aaaaa [ cue my tears again ] im crying in the chat laksdjflaksjdf ;O;)/ bruuuuuuuhhh this is like so smooth and damn asldkfjalksdjfadlskf i want them both to heal and learn from each other and grow again and be better people than when they were separately and just i love pyron and jun so much!!

amazing cool scene. man

[chef kiss] beautiful amazing wonderful amazing extraordinary!!! a standing ovation on my part to this! volume 2 is over and next is volume 3!!! i...idk how my heart can take this XD ive been feeling very sensitive lately due to personal events and just these stories and characters really get to me.

[malaky-nightm4r3]

I know you aren't supposed to trust your brain past dark

but Im having a really bad time with my brain resurfacing all the trauma I have from the past few years and just dragging it all over my thoughts and dreams lately- I wonder if brains do this to punish you for the decisions that lead up to meeting people who traumatize you. I mean. Your brain is supposed to force you to learn from your trauma so you don't get hurt again and again, and for like three years straight, though this year was very mellow, I was in and out of being surrounded by people who I can see now did basically nothing but traumatize me. I've put that aside and learned to cope. And since then, Ive started taking zero shit and learning from my mistakes. The moment people start showing red flags I can recognize, I address them, and if nothing is changing I drop that friend or acquaintance. Or I don't let in new people who I even think could be a bad influence or harmful to me and others.

But its making it even harder for me to even trust new people whatsoever. I judge newcomers too swiftly. I've only recently felt comfortable enough to speak publicly in discord servers I used to be super active in a few times at max, hiding a majority of the time like I have been for a very long time.

I don't understand people, people confuse me. The way they act, the way they think, the way they speak, its all so confusing. I can understand an individual person if Ive known them long enough- I understand the way they do things and find their actions and words familiar. I don't understand when someone I trust flips their whole opinion on everything and starts talking badly towards me, talking badly about me to others, ignoring me, laughing at me, not telling me whats wrong, when just a little bit ago they were laughing with me and including me in a lot.

I don't understand why people demand people tell the truth, but when I am honest, Im "being insensitive", "too honest", "being an asshole". Everyone told me my whole life to be honest so I am! Why do I still get in trouble? I'd get in less if I just lied and said everything you want to hear. But that's not right. I don't want to lie. I prefer telling the truth. Why is it my fault people refuse to accept it because maybe it hurts their egos?

Society pisses me off. Why is it when a bully punches you, nothing happens, but if you punch back, you're the villain? Why is it when a victim raises their voice, the abuser points at them and cries "ABUSER" "MANIPULATOR" "LIAR", and gets away with it? Why is it when someone assaults you, you get the dirty looks and are blamed for what you went through? Why are victims always the ones who are punished and left to suffer while the abusers are either ignored or supported and encouraged to continue their behavior? Why is the person with more popularity and the kinder sounding voice believed over the broken and crying one in the corner?

Why is it always victim blaming that is the go to. I've dealt with all of the shit I listed above, I was fired from a daycare job because when they found out my former coworker assaulted me, I WAS THE ONE BLAMED FOR THE SUDDEN BAD REPUTATION. I've lost friendships and ties over people believing my abusers over me, several times. I was the one serving detention because I had enough of being bullied without doing something to stand up for myself. I was pushed into doing shitty things because of the abuse I was dealing with, and yet I was still the one to blame each and every time even when I was only following the rules of the game I was living at the time.

I know I'm not alone in this. But again. Can't trust your brain past dark, can you.

Can't voice how you feel and how you're affected by your trauma so you don't hurt your abusers' egos or feelings, so you don't get hurt more because they'll attack you or tell all their friends how HORRIBLE you are and you'll be harassed by everyone they know, blah blah blah I don't care anymore. How immature can you be, to harass someone you've already hurt so badly. To obsess over them. To wish them more harm. I don't even know if half the people who've hurt me over the years even have tumblrs anymore/at all, this is directed at none of them. Don't worry. Im not fishing for trouble. I just wanted to scream my thoughts to the void, to finally let some shit out for once, to give a glimpse as to how tattered and fucked up I am after everything that was done to me, without revealing too much so people can't fucking weaponize my trauma or whatever they say happens on the internet. I just wanted. to fucking vent. Because my physical state is getting worse constantly nowadays, and my mental state is fluctuating because trauma I thought I'd dealt with and knew how to cope with is swallowing me whole and making me terrified again. Im so tired of getting hurt. I want to be able to trust people fully again. I want to feel safe.

We want to feel safe. This entire plurality shares this fucking sentiment that i just spent ranting about.

[in-decisivo]

to forgive

what does it mean to me

i have never been disappointed like this my whole life,

im just in my late 20s and its just tiring to think about what i went thru the past few years

to forgive what does it mean

what does it fucking mean

they say that i must be the bigger person and be able to hold the mental ability to withold any adversary that would take a jab on my peace

i am not the bigger person, ive been there, my soul doesnt sit well with it

i fully realized that people will do whatever they want to

regardless of who you are in their lives, none of that will matter when selfishness comes in between

i have dealt with this thing before and it didnt end well

so im here sitting in contempt,

thinking of all the ways you could apologize to me

but what does an apology mean to me

would an apology mean anything more than the things you did

would that somehow dampen the scorching burns i have

if an apology means climbing a steep treacherous mountain

then would i be able to forgive

i dont know

im afraid i wouldnt

i think im not capable of forgiving

especially when you broke the only thing that i tried to build around you,

my trust

nevermind my heart

nevermind my feelings

the sleepless nights

and the waking days crying in the bathroom

i know the pain will go away

eventually

but my trust

such a big word

oh God

my trust encompasses my forgiveness

and you dont have both

you will not have access to any of that, ever

even if that means climbing a steep treacherous mountain

even if that means making everything right

even if that means you dying and me watching you bleed

so

what does forgiveness means to me

does it mean peace

does it mean stability in certain aspects of my life

does it mean letting go

does it mean accepting of what happened

i dont know

i dont even want to

i will be a reminder to everyone who wronged me that even if time takes its time

the the things you did will haunt you, every time

especially you,

i hope you see my face everywhere i hope you see my face all the time and be reminded

i wont be able to forgive all the things you did

but because you did what you did and now this is all what we have left

[cirillafionaelenriannon]

i feel like a lot of the time my autism struggles get swept under the rug because im so like more able to blend in when i need to but its so apparent To me all the time how different i am when its so hard for me to socialise with other people irl. everyone who talks to me irl im some fiendish freak. and i really did think that that feeling i felt in school where id say something and everyone would look at me like i just confessed to murder would go away but it never did it just got worse because now people (coworkers) outright ignore me when i speak to them because what i say actually has zero value to any of them and theyre not really interested in me at all. and a lot of the time im like its fine its whatever but it happens actually so much that it makes me sad i feel like a soundboard for people to talk over whenever they want to. and ive dealt with that my whole life always being pushed to the side in groups, always being talked over, nobody ever finding me funny, the awkward tension when i would say something and nobody would know what to say back. any attempt at small talk being blown off. some feeling of horrible alienation where i just never fit in well enough with everyone else. and people dont accommodate for your autism, and when you’re not visibly autistic enough they dont even acknowledge you’re autistic in the first place. people forget instead or act like you didn’t tell them in the first place. Nobody actually knows enough about it in the first place to even begin to understand. i know autistic people aren’t the only social group to feel that deep sense of alienation / distance from Other people in society but it eats me up inside the way people talk around me and know that if i tried to fit myself in i’d get told to back out. Laugh out loud. 

[nofoodclub]

This is fucking stoopid in a solid 98% sure he caught the feels too and if it weren't for all the extenuating circumstances (i.e. my dad) we would probably have some pretty fucking good times. I get why he is feeling the need to go quiet with me, if roles were reversed i would probably be making the same call. It was very kind of him to get me set up last night...i had the purest of intentions on that being my last shot... but things don't work out the way we intend too often, especially when there's heroin involved. I know that i ruined myself for all other forms of love this last year, nothing can ever top the absolute pure magical bliss that comes from doing a beautiful thick shot of dark. What's the hardest is that i dont evwn want to quit...i just wish i had never done it in the first place. I wish i would have kept my stance of its mother fucking HEROIN and stayed very far away from it. My love of terrible, no good, destructive boys gets me into some trouble... this ine def got me into some real toruble (fun? yeah it was def fun a whoie heck of a lot of fun, i miss him uhg) its gonnabe better for me long run to not be involved with him and not having simple stupid easy acess to all the drug i could ever want will probably be the only way to get my mom off my back (and to get everyone off j's back bc i am worried about what they could figure out to do to him legally or not so legally... my mom has said she would kill him givven the chance and i dont really doubt that a whole lot. i miss him but i know hes doing what he needs to do for himself and honestly this might be the only way i can ever have him back in my life in some aspect in the future is to let things die down for a while now...let susposions go, build trust back up no matter how utterly false i know it will be... i dont see much of a future for myself that would be too content without that aspect of danger and risk...like really any of the shots ive taken could have been my last, even the ones that were solid clear theres fucking fent in meth too now. fuck i do good at distracting myslelf from the one thing my heart is aching for for a couple min at a time then i hear a car that sounds vaugely like jakes truck,or i want a hug or i just fucking take a breath and i miss him again. we were so close to something now we are solidly notjhing....even a real goodbye would be nice, but then agan my idea of a nice goodbye consists of many hours, and many orgasms....which is pronbably a tad more than i should expext...fuck i would be hsppy with s hug.

this is from a while ago but feels are still 100% there. i miss j. all the others im distracting myself with are just that...distractions bc i still havent and tbh dont want to get over j. he ticked most of my boxes which is not easy to do... everyone keeps telling me hes a bad person but they dont know him they only know his arrest record, which is designed to make him look like a bad person. doesnt show any of his personal morales or the fact that he has a really good heart. very walled up which i can fully understand but ive seen him under his front that he keeps up, and hes a beautiful human. his softer side is a lovely thing, but hes right to keep it guarded so it doiesnt get destroyed. hes been dealt a lot of shit, i really want to help him clear it up, or have a magic wand that can take care of it all so i can see him again, but the world doesnt work like that so ill have to be patient. im not good at that. its driving me insane actually...i got to be intimate with him for hardly an hour, and in that hour i saw so many possibilities...i thought i was going to get a chance to explore at least some of them...but it was all taken away so soon. maybe not for good, i might get my chance again someday. but i cant count on it. i camt let myself wait for soemthing that may never come. i have to keep moving forward no matter how much i want to go back. there is no going back, the world keeps going and i can either choose to adapt with it or be left behind and truly hopeless. so ill keep going, ill keep exploring my optioins despite how i know i would still prefer the other one. its not an option right now i have to keep remiding myslef. no ammount of longing, hopeless texts or sad lonley waiting will change that. only time. so i might as well make the most of my time with people who can boost my ego a bit. the easy ones never are as exciting for me. i dont feel like ive accomplished anything with them. right now im a solid 8 to 9.5, j is maybe a 5 so that one really was just void fill to me, s is a 7 or so physically, but mentally he isint on the same level as me. he seems a little slow from all the years he spent tweaking. no im not one to talk much considering im still on the shit, but original j even though has been on it the longest, still has his head on straight. he still registers as being on my level..bringing him up to a 9 for me. he certainly has his flaws. anger is a thing ive noticed in him that frightens me, but i know he would never get physical with me. anger just triggers me to shut down and i do not like it. fuck how i know im still in too deep for j is when i try to think of his flaws, not that many come to mind. my love for him clouds all of it. my love for him will be my downfall. once i let someone take up residence in my heart like this, they dont ever fully leave. i dont want him to....i want him to find his way back to me, then i want him to never have to leave again. in whatever aspect ends up working out, i want him in my life. even if that means no more sexual intimancy, weve crossed that barrier. i can see more of him than he pervoiusly let me see, and i dont think he can take that away from me. that might be why hes so scared of me. i think he knows that. he def knows that he has some kind of feels for me that go past purley platonic or sexual. theres something more there and we both know it. i just hope we get a chance to explore that someday. we hardly cracked the surface before it all crumbled, we were so fradgile and i let it all slip away. dear universe...heres to manefesting another shot at connecting with jake again. im not specifing the type of connection, that can be up to your descretion. just know i love him and would like a deeper connection, but i love him enough to accept whatever will work, just so long as i can have him in my life again. the ability to talk freely to him again would mean so much to me. i miss my friend like crazy. 

[holographicbutch]

Think I finally figured out why my friendships w my new friends feel fake compared to my friendships w my friends from hs

[obxjj]

the way we heal | jj maybank

- pairings: jj maybank x reader

- summary: people deal with trauma in different ways but it seems that jj thinks you don't care about the loss of your friends and deep down himself but he just needs to understand that people heal in their own time and through their own meanings, he just needed to be reassured of it. kinda pre season 2 ep 1 give ot take

- warning(s): really motherfucking angsty and swearing. mention of substance abuse

- wc: 2.2k :))))

a/n: all my fics the pogues and reader are the age 17/18 only because that's more comfortable for me to write. its been a long long time since i have wrote something so sorry for and spelling errors

People tend to deal with trauma differently. It could be resulting to crying you eyes out until you can’t breath and you can’t see through your tears clouding your eyes. Drinking until your liver wants to shut down and you whole body is so numb that yourself and everyone around you is so tuned out that you can’t function. Resulting to drugs to either feel something or not to feel anything at all. Or to have something to blame your actions on from yourself acting out simply because you don’t know how to handle the situation of a friend dying.

See you on the other hand dealt with it internally or the whim and feeling of not accepting death. Maybe it was your subconscious talking wanting you not to accept or maybe it was the gut feeling that you always got telling you that they were actually alive and have survived that storm that ‘supposedly’ had swept them away because “no body was found”.

This ‘gut feeling’ had always been right in many life or death situations. Or even just you picking out an outfit that you were unsure of whether it was going to get the boys attention that you had a crush on. It did indeed get his attention that night because that’s how you ended up loosing your virginity that night but that’s besides the point.

The best way you could describe it was like when people would do personality tests and it would ask “are you controlled by your heart or what you feel” probably not those exact words but you get the point. I felt with my feelings if my gut said yes then it was a yes.

Since the night that John B and Sarah had ‘died’ your gut had been telling you the opposite. That they were in fact not dead. As Big John use to say when you were a kid, you can never kill a Routledge. At the time it seemed like bullshit but now it was starting to grow on you.

However now your two friends were presumed dead and not everyone dealt with trauma like you did. Some would even go as far to say that you didn’t actually give a fuck that your friends were dead because you hadn’t cried or you hadn’t drunk yourself into a state of no return or resulted to smoking weed every single day and spray painted ‘murder’ on Ward Cameron’s estate. But at least Kiara wasn’t lying.

But the thing was you hadn’t cried because you couldn’t, you quite literally hated crying because it made you feel weak. Even if you tried and you tried your hardest but nothing came. At this point you could go as far as denial. This gut feeling was like getting hit by a semi truck every time a thought came into your head questioning maybe they were dead. Maybe they did get swept away at sea and never to return.

Your gut feeling was simply not letting you mourn the loss of John B and Sarah and now everyone thought you were an emotionless bitch. I mean they were right to a point but not the whole point.

So that brought you to current day driving around the Cut and night playing fucking real life Where’s Wally but its Where’s JJ Maybank because he’s blacked out drunk somewhere and now you’re on a rescue mission. Not like you had done enough of those in the last few weeks.

About an hour ago your phone rang and it was JJ asking you to come pick him up since somehow he had now idea where he had ended up and was too far gone to put together his surroundings. Well that’s what you had assumed he said since you had to decipher his slurred words.

At this point you had driven around the whole island and gone to every hid out spot that he would go smoke at or to just get away from everyday life. You had gone to all but one place. Where you avoiding that particular house because it held so many memories, plus the fact you hadn’t been near the place since shit hit rock bottom. Yes? But it was the highest chance that JJ was sitting on that dock with his legs swinging over it with a beer in hand.

Well you were right. As you walked down the old dock to where JJ was sitting it was if you could feel all the emotions, thoughts and disbelief crawling their way up your skin from the ground you were walking on. But that gut feeling was like a wave of fire, burning it all the way back to the ground.

“I don’t know why I just didn’t look here first. I should have known aye” you half heartedly said trying to keep the conversation light since you didn’t know what state JJ was going to be in. From the huff you got in response told you he wasn’t in the mood to talk.

“How much have you had J?” You asked with concern but still trying to keep you voice light and less reprimanding because you knew he was in a too fragile state for you to be angry.

“Does it even matter how much Iv had. I don’t feel shit anymore” he replied back with his words straight forward and sobered.

“Well have you even given yourself a break for your body to sober up for you to even feel the effects of it? Or have you still been going since yesterday when I saw you? J its not going to do shit if you don’t give it a rest for at least a day or so” you said back trying you best to keep you and your voice as calm as possible. You fucking hated seeing JJ like this, you would never say it to his face but fuck it just reminded you of his dad when he got into states like this. Until the last week you had never seen JJ this bad. But could you blame him.

“You just don’t get it do you” JJ was now facing you and by the tone of his voice you had unintentionally struck a nerve that you were actively avoiding. “Why did you even fucking come if you’re just going to tell me how I should cope. Do you even care that JB has gone? He was our best fucking friend. He was my fucking brother my only family! And he’s fucking gone just like his old man. You haven’t even shed a tear y/n. You’re just acting like nothing had happened. Do you even care!” JJ was now on his feet breathing heavily and his jaw so clenched you’re surprised his teeth haven’t broken

“J, please do not yell at me right now” you asked with your voice shaking trying to hold back something that was bubbling at the surface. Was it anger or was it the water works that desperately needed to be let out.

JJ started to walk back up the dock, showing that he was done with this conversation that he could have avoided if he didn’t ask you in the first place to come pick him up. Deep down he knew that you would be the only one to come and get him, he just wasn’t as good at showing his gratefulness due to the alcohol that was numbing him.

“JJ just wait please, please don’t walk away” You stood back up and starting walking after him quick on the backs of his feet. He halted his tracks and turned around to look at you with a pained look in his face, as you got up close you could see his eyes stained red. Either from crying or the linger of weed still in his system.

“What could you possibly want to say y/n. I really thought you would be the last person not to care about this” JJ was now right up in your face and his voice was holding back trying his best not to yell. But that last sentence had taken you back.

“You think I don’t care JJ!” now you starting yelling “of course I give a shit JJ our friends are gone, they are not fucking here. I know it might not seem that I don’t care. But just because I’m not crying my eyes out every hour or drinking myself into a state where I don’t now where the fuck I am or getting high that I spray paint on any wall I see” your breath was now battling to come to the surface because you were talking so fast.

“Just because Im not doing any of those things doesn’t mean I don’t care JJ! People deal with this shit differently and you need to understand that” you breathed out trying to grasp for air again “the thing is JJ I have this annoying gut feeling thats telling me that John B and Sarah are not dead, and its literally preventing me to mourn them. I have convinced myself that they are alive and I can’t fucking mourn non dead people J. I don’t know how to fucking explain it”

“Well why didn’t you just tell us that” he replied after bit letting your whole rant sink into his brain, weaving its way through the alcohol that was clouding it.

“Because JJ! Even saying that out loud I sound fucking crazy, like I’m in a deep pit of denial. The thing is I’m far from denial. Yes I know there is a massive fucking fat chance that they are dead and have been food for the sharks” you exclaimed

“Don’t make it worse y/n” JJ shook his head not very happy with your choice of words

“Okay yeah sorry bad wording. Im sorry” you lowered your head in sorrow wanting to slap yourself in the face for trying to make jokes out of trauma.

“So its not that I don’t care J, trust me I do care. But John B and Sarah are not physically here with us and I cant physically care for them right now. But when we see them can do that”

“Y/n -“ JJ tried to get a word in but you hadn’t finished

“Don’t JJ. We will see them again” you put an emphasis on ‘will’ “I trust my gut and even you know that when I get a gut feeling that it’s always been right. Correct?”

“Yes but -“ he tried to get another word in but you needed him to listen.

“JJ I care about you. I care about Kiara and Pope. You guys are physically here for me to care for. The thing is I haven’t spoken to Kie since she’s with Pope half the time and I have spoken to Pope since he’s with Kid half the time and you? I can’t speak to you because your too far gone in beers to for me to even get a coherent conversation in” This was such an over due conversation to be had, you were now on the verge of hyperventilating. You needed JJ to hear this. Fully sober would have been better but half sober is the best you’re gonna get.

“JJ I understand if that’s how you’re going to deal with all of this but you can’t throw yourself completely away. We need you. I need you JJ. I can’t have you going off the deep end and then we loose you too. You need to be here for when we get John B back. He will need you for when he’s back”. The water works that you had been holding back had finally been released and trust it to be in front of JJ. He was your fucking rock, you couldn’t loose him. No way that would be your last day on earth if that were to happen.

“I-. Im sorry. I’m just so fucking lost y/n. I don’t know what the fuck to do. You’re always at work and Kie and Pope are god knows where. I just want this to go away so fucking bad. All this pain, I feel like I have no one” JJ was now crying to and gripping your waist as is you could float away into the air

“I know JJ, but you have us you have always had us. But you have to be so stubborn sometimes that you won’t let us in and help, you won’t let me in a help you” you had JJ’s face in your hands making him look at you so he knew you meant every single word. “I’m so sorry if you didn’t think I cared and I wasn’t there to help you, I just deal with this shit in a different way. Just like every single other person. We all heal differently and that’s okay. It dosent mean we care less. It doesn’t mean I care less”

Now there you and JJ stand on the dock leading off the chateau both in each others embrace purging the pain that’s both been locked up inside you for so long. The past you and JJ had people really didn’t tend to understand but neither did you. But you would always find your way back to each other at the end of the day. Despite the fights you had in the past and the days you would be at each others throats screaming at each other to the days you would be secretly stealing a glance at him because you just couldn’t help yourself.

You would always be there to help him take the pain away and he was always be there to do the same for you.

[marsixm]

personal life updates

due to almost everyone around me being a fuckass for like a month* (at least they took turns, how kind of them), still adjusting to having a work schedule at all let alone a frankly intense one, being sick on and off continually since starting to work customer service, there was a good chunk of time here where i was starting to feel pretty burnt out, emotionally exhausted, and socially isolated while somehow still being surrounded by people nonstop without rly having my own space, things are finally a little more normal, i kinda dealt with the emotional bullshit with people for the most part, i had like a whole week of being on the verge of a breakdown but ifeel better now, and ive been able to regain my personal space and im back in it and it already feels way better just being able to sit here on my computer at my desk with my notebooks and stuff. im feeling pretty optimistic about life stuff rn despite how tough its been to adjust

[thebibliosphere]

Hi bibmum, I tried to start watching the witcher because its all ive been seeing on my dash lately but i could barely get through the first episode. The witcher character telling a rape victim that she's the bad guy for killing her rapists? The "if i have to choose between a greater and a lesser evil, i refuse to choose"? Just. So nasty. But you seem to really love it so im just wondering if it gets better bc the first episode sucks.

I’d need to watch it again cause I don’t remember that particular line with Renfri (not doubting you, I just don’t remember how bad it is), but I think one of the key things about understanding Geralt’s character dynamic is that you’re not actually supposed to like him as he is at the start. 

He’s someone carrying a lot of trauma and with that a whole heaping side of depersonalization which can often come off as inexcusably cruel and callous from the outside, and we really don’t get into the whole “being a Witcher has something like a 99.999% fatality rate and that’s just how many die as children in training” thing for quite a while yet. 

The whole “witchers have no emotions” thing isn’t just some throwaway line meant to make them seem “othered” from humans or the “strong flawed silent” type we often have for heroes in popular fantasy media. He’s legitimately been conditioned to have zero emotions by his training, and part of his survival instinct is to maintain that facade by ignoring his own emotions because the thing about trauma is once you open that box and start trying to unpack it all, it’s impossible to put it back. And in Geralt’s case, opening up to things and becoming attached and caring is going to get him killed. (Not to even mention all the people that will die if he’s not around to slay monsters.) 

That doesn’t make any of the shitty things he says or does right, but as someone who deals with depersonalization as part of my own trauma, I thought the show actually handled his development quite well as the episodes progressed. You see him coming to terms with the fact that, shit, he can’t be impersonal anymore, he can’t stick to just his training because his training isn’t enough. His training got that girl killed. His training makes him the monster. And he knows that. And he’s determined to never let it happen again.

Thus begins his arc of growth, showing that Geralt is someone who does care, he does have profound compassion for those around him (if not always empathy) and he wants to help people so badly, but other than being a brute for hire, he’s not sure how to do that.* 

And then because fate is nothing if not a laughing trickster, Geralt suddenly finds himself flung into things that demand more emotional energy and depth than a  teaspoon and oh boy, does it never rain but it pours. Like the shiny, shiny bard who is basically ten people’s worth of emotions in one body and is determined, nay, decided to be friends and keeps following Geralt around like a lost puppy singing that fucking song. Or the witch who is seemingly hell-bent on her own destruction in the pursuit of what looks like power, but is actually just a desire to be in control of her own life after centuries of abuse, gaslighting and manipulation (and who, like Geralt, doesn’t know how to be “normal” and perpetuates the cycle of her own abuse because control and manipulation is all she’s ever known). Or the child who by the law of surprise is suddenly his. He is for all intents and purposes a father now, the one thing Witchers are never supposed to be, and just what the fuck is he supposed to do with a child? 

So he does the whole “run away thing” for as long as possible, because Christ, that’s a lot of scary emotions right there. That’s more emotions in the span of about 10-20 years than he’s dealt with in the some near 100 years he’s been alive. But he can’t keep running, he knows that. Destiny is an active force in this universe, and it will come to find him. It will hold his feet over the fire and hold him accountable for his actions, and worse yet, it will go after the people he loves if he doesn’t. 

So yeah. There are lots of things all the characters in the Witcher say and do that are Problematic. No one is an unproblematic fave, everyone is messy, ugly, broken and sometimes just outright cruel. Some parts of the show made me deeply uncomfortable (I’m thinking of the orgy scene with Yen in Episode 5 which is big yikes for a lot of us, though I have more thoughts on that than I have room for on this post) but there were other parts that made me realize that if the writing keeps up as it is, and we get to move beyond the “meet the characters” stage we’re currently in, this show has the potential to be phenomenal. 

So to finally answer your question? Yes, it does get better as the episodes go on. But there will still be moments that raise the yikes meter, but those moments are, I believe, intentional. The show wants you to have strong reactions to things and to throw your hands up and go “come on man! do better!” because we know they do get better. We know from all the other source material we have, that what we are seeing in the show right now is just the messy beginnings of a very complex story. 

And also just because the hero says or does something in the narrative, doesn’t mean the show is promoting the bad things as “right”. If anything it wants you to question it more because it’s the hero doing the thing, and heroes are supposed to be better than that. And we know they do, because deep down at its core, the Witcher is a story about a trained monster killer, who goes out of his way to help the monsters. Sometimes he can’t help them and death is the only option. But we’re all faced with things we’d rather not sometimes. Including the reality of our own actions, and Geralt is someone who is wading knee-deep in them.

(*As an aside: we see him at his best when he’s dealing with monsters and animals because they’re not complicated in the way humans are. He talks to his horses because he’s able to show Roach love and affection and care, and it just comes off as good horsemanship, and likely wouldn’t have been discouraged during his Witcher training. And he’s able to help monsters, because, well, he likely sees himself in them.)

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being Tony Stark’s Daughter (The Intense Years)

Tony Stark x daughter!reader

warnings:

a/n: y/n is 16-17, also ive really never written anything about team iron man so this was weird, someone needs to tell me i dont need every single movie detail in here

prompt: takes place from cacw and smhc

The Early Years (1) The Teenage Years (2) The Aftermath (4) Continued (5)

after the events in sokovia, you set up the relief fund for displaced sokovians and dealt with physical clean up while the avengers...

well, they had to deal with the press—and the governments of the world

getting to know your new suit AI, JOSHUA

briefly looking for bruce; no luck there

you ended up doing the MIT september foundation presentation with tony

and ending the presentation after pepper’s name popped up on the screen

“it’s probably best we get out of here”

you were his entire support system while he was going through his break with pepper

meeting charles spencer’s mother, who really gave your dad a piece of her mind

“my son died, but your daughter gets to live on. if you lost her, maybe you’d show some sympathy for murdering my child”

*awkward silence from you*

*awkward silence from tony otw to the compound*

HATING the sound of the sokovia accords, yet understanding why they’re being ratified

being torn between signing them or not and having a huge argument with the other avengers

“y/n, why dont you listen to your dad for once and sign the damn thing”

“uncle rhodey, you know why i dont want to sign. if they have us, they have access to our suits. you really think the UN should be telling us how to use them?”

“your defense doesn’t even make sense. i had the war machine or iron patriot or whatever the hell you want to call it, but the military was calling the shots”

“and look where you are now”

“right, well i wouldn’t expect a kid to understand”

“are you kidding me, rhodes? you’re gonna play the ‘im older than you’ card?”

comforting wanda while she feared being taken

and as soon as you heard about what happened in lagos

“think about it, maximoff. if you didnt do what you did, do you know how many more casualties there may have been?”

“but i killed innocents”

“no, rumlow killed innocents. you contained that blast better than anyone else could have and you prevented a whole bunch of deaths, give yourself some credit”

okay, so you weren’t the best at talking someone down while they were upset

staying in berlin with your father while the whole bucky thing began to get sorted out

but he sent you out to stay with nat while he had some “private time” with steve

tony keeping you close to him during the power outage at the base

until it turned out you brought your suit and tony did not!

everyone was looking at you to take down bucky, but it just seemed like a bad idea, you didn’t want to hurt him because you didn’t want to hurt steve

stalling to try and buy steve time to subdue his friend

“y/n, come on, for christ sake!”

“got it, dad! i know what im doing!”

“i dont think you do!”

feeling your stomach drop when bucky shot into your dad’s hand, if it wasn’t for his latest invention, he may have gotten seriously hurt

you had a slight change of heart after that, you couldn’t bare to lose your dad. not after all those close calls...

getting yelled at by secretary ross and the wonderful 36 hour ultimatum you, nat, and tony received

“i have a plan”

“don’t say the spider boy”

“fine, i wont say it”

a nice trip to queens :)

when this parker kid finally got home, tony left you to socialize with his aunt

small talk is sometimes unbearable

“so, what’s it like being tony stark’s daughter?”

“honestly? im always tired”

peter becoming a tagalong on your mission, which you didn’t really think was appropriate

“dad, i dont really think we should’ve brought the kid...”

“why? you’re about the same age as him, its not much different”

“um...no, i meant this isnt his battle. i don’t care how old he is”

face off between tony and cap where you literally just swallowed all your pride and apologized because you couldn’t handle the fact that the team was being ripped apart like this

team ups with Spider-Man

“so, uh, do you hate me or something?”

“hey, kid? we’re kind of in the middle of something, i’ll get back to you on that”

“it’s a yes or no question, y/n”

“pass”

so, things didn’t exactly go as planned...

your (former) teammates were taken to the RAFT and you couldn’t pull it together in front of them

they were pretty pissed at you

“im sorry, im so sorry, i should’ve done better”

they ignored you (up until scott lang)

“all you stark’s are the same”

“stay out of this, bugboy”

taking to the remote hydra base in another famous father/daughter teamup

“just like the old days, right kiddo?”

“i guess so”

“hey, cheer up, it’s not all that bad”

waltzing right in there to meet your friend and foe

seeing the video of your grandparents dying

*being killed

absolutely stunned by seeing such a gruesome thing

even after all you’ve seen, this really got to you

you were robbed of ever meeting them, which made you angry, but you couldn’t stay angry because there were so many things out of everyones control

realizing that this was a good time to hold tony back

“JOSHUA, lock down y/n’s suit. protocol: baby gate”

apparently your dad still had some old protocols in your suit that you hadn’t found yet

“JOSHUA? reboot! override protocol: baby gate”

“i’m sorry, miss y/n, but i cannot do that”

watching your father attempt to get revenge

and get critically injured

simultaneously working on opening the suit back up for a bad plan

finally getting the emergency release and stumbling out of your suit, rushing towards the conflict and throwing yourself in the middle of it

“please, dad. enough damage has been done.”

“y/n, get out of the way”

he saw you shaking and crying and he realized what he was doing

attacking the only family you guys really had

getting shoved out of the way so that they could end this fight once and for all

JOSHUA finally rebooting and bringing the suit over to shield you while you helplessly watched the end of this fight

when bucky and steve left, your suit disarmed and you crouched down beside your father

“come on, let’s just go home”

“im sorry”

“i know, it’s okay”

trying to comfort your dad after his defeat

you picked up cap’s shield and returned to your suit, it was time to go home

after a brief time of recovery (while you helped work on uncle rhodey’s prototype prosthetics), there was a slight change of plans for you

“okay, so for your punishment after what you pulled during my...divorce with cap, you’re going to babysit the spiderling so you gain some perspective”

“hold on, what?! what do you mean ‘perspective?’”

“i mean you dont know what it’s like to be in charge of the life of a teenager, so now you get to find out! congratulations on your promotion!”

it was not fun at all because peter kept blowing up your phone and you kept having to tell him there was nothing for him to do

Y/N: I’ll let you know when there’s a spider-level threat, kapeesh?

P. Parker: Yes, ma’am, sorry.

peter going behind your back to do some “superhero work”

and you having to swoop in to fix everything last second

“come on, you stole my thunder, y/n!”

“no, peter, i saved your life. next time you have a lead, call me first”

and then he didn’t 😌✨💕

“Y/N, incoming call from ‘big fat meanie’”

“put him through, JOSHIE...hey dad, how’s dubai?”

“taking care of a kid is harder than it looks, isn’t it?”

“don’t start with me”

damage control ahahah 🤡

“peter, why cant you just call me in? you don’t stop texting me for months but for this you go radio silent? you almost died. and you put a bunch of lives in danger! do you want me to have to go to your aunt and tell her you died?”

“im sorry! i just...i dont want to be a sidekick”

“kid, you’re gonna have a long time to make a name for yourself...but not if you’re dead!”

he started crying and you were very uncomfortable so you tried to hug him? it helped.

letting him off easy (just like your dad did to you growing up)

but apparently tony came back and took the suit anyways and you were pretty pissed about it

avengers moving day :) yes, part of your punishment was helping happy with moving day and hearing him gush about how you were “growing into such a responsible adult”

“happy i dont know if you noticed but ive basically been an adult since i was 12”

“keep telling yourself that, kiddo”

seeing an explosion and immediately knowing it was peter

“i’ll see you later, happy, love you!”

investigating the crash site and whaddaya know, there’s peter and his first bad guy, you were kind of proud

“peter, you okay?”

“nope!”

“okay, cool”

more damage control lmao (a/n: yall sick of damage control yet?)

a congratulatory call from your dad

“hey! you did pretty good, all things considered. why don’t you take the kid to the avengers compound for his special surprise?”

“aye aye, see you soon.”

“love you, kiddo”

“you too, dad”

quick fast forward to peter rejecting the position as an avenger while the press was outside, yes, you were surprised

but then your dad finally proposed to pepper, it was a pretty cool engagement announcement

“y/n, will you be my maid of honor?”

“duh!”

happily ever after (a/n: until the next part is up)

[chunkysunconcious]

Well,, i just finished the last animated episode of Nana and I have a few thoughts,, also i feel empty feel empty for some reason but im just going to ignore that (there will be spoilers !!!)

- I absolutely hate sachiko (the one shoujo cheated on hachiko with) her character was annoying and i wanted to punch her pretty much everytime she was on screen,, Her character isnt intresting and her actions fucking suck,, I am very pro sachiko slander

- Despite reira being a literal pedophile,, I think she was written really well,, she is a very layered character who is greedy and selfish and in a way very manipulative,, using shin was a horrible thing,, the only good thing about her is she has nice hair, but I liked watching scenes with her,, seeing her interact with trapnest/other characters was insightful,, sometimes it feels like you could almost justify her actions if it wasnt for the absolute no no illegal shit she did since she acts so lovely wtih some characters,, (DOING THINGS WITH A FUCKING MINOR????????)

- Ren wasnt interesting,, I never really felt like i was getting to know his character or why he does what he does,, etc, most of the interesting parts came from mostly Nana,, but I still feel like he’s somewhat of a realistic character,, there just doesnt feel that much to him on a very surface level

-Hachiko did get on my nerves at some points,, but she was greatly mistreated by so many people that it angered me,, even at times be Nana,, shin was probably the truly nicest person to her,, she has a lot of natural human flaws,, and she was a very greedy and materialistic person who was on the more sensitive side, and really only seemed to think the most about relationships,, she did have a mothering quality that probably attracted shin to like her,, In summary I Both love her and dislike parts of her,, she has some pretty unhealthy mindsets but has shown she can grow

-Nana definitely came off as a complex person,, she was abandoned by her mother at a very early age and that affected her pretty much at every point throughout her life,, I kind of thought it would be more empowering for her not to be so focused on ren,, and for a while she wasnt,, and she kept trying to reject the idea of him in the year off that he went to tokyo,, but in the end (of the anime) she was with him,, I also feel like thats realistic and I dont blame her for that,, She seems to need him in one way or another,, but i know shed be able to survive even with just Yasu

-Yasu was probably the big brother/uncle/father role everyone needed to keep their shit together,, I swear he mustve lost all his hair from second hand stress of these broken people,, I godamn love this man,, and he handles things so well,, and maturely too,, he always dealt with everyone during the whole show,, and pretty much always knew what to do,, we all need a yasu in our lives

-Shin’s character was pretty heavy ,, its very obvious his way of (TW,, S/H) hurting himself was sleeping with older woman,, it was for sure a destructive behaviour,, He basically got manipulated by reira even though she still liked yasu,, and shin was aware but its sad to know that he pushed that aside just because hefelt like for once someone valued him,, Hachiko was one of the only people that loved him without expecting anything in return,, conculsion - shin needs a better family and therapy,,

Theres more characters but Ive written a lot so Im just gonna leave it for now,, I will 100000000%%% rewatch the show again and again and again forever and ever,, Im only a teenager and these are real life mature themes and actions that I want to understand better and I’ll make sure to watch it even when im a full grown adult,, I want to understand it all as much as I can

[ihatebnha]

I really appreciate the Bakugo headcannons about the hair. I have pcos and the side effect of extra hair. I have it on my stomach, butt, thighs, sides of my face, and the past few years it's started growing longer, noticeable hair under my chin/along my neck, so I literally have a mini neck beard. I've dealt with it since puberty and its something that makes me think I'll never find love. I want it gone, but I've tried shaving and all that and it just comes back worse. My only hope is some form of permanent hair removal, but thats expensive. I get really sad when thinking about it. All these fic are like "he slid his hand up your silky smooth legs", but I'll never have that. My legs will always be hairy, what guy would want to run their hands up that. Who wants to look down and see a woman with a neck beard, horrible unruly sideburns, dark thick hair running up to her belly button. Noone. It hurts too that my mom mentions it every now and then. "It looks really bad." "You gotta do something about it." "I told you not to mess with it, it just makes it look worse". It makes me cry, because she tells me to do something about it, but if I try then it comes back worse and then she tells me I shouldn't have done it because I know it comes back worse? I love her, but it hurts hahaha.

Anon!! I’m really glad you appreciated them, I hope I was able to do you some justice and offer a little bit of relief. im always trying to make sure my writing is inclusive for everyone, and that includes things like skin color, body hair, weight, etc… so if you ever want me to do more, or include certain stuff in requests, or even just have suggestions for how I can do better next time, I always want to hear them! 

I honesty find it super weird that most fics present the reader as “small,” or “delicate” or “cute” or anything of the sort… because even tho I understand how/why some people find that appealing… that is not the only way that the concept of shyness can or does manifest itself... or how people physically look. 

The truth is, no matter how cute or tiny or unblemished somebody is or wants to be, we, as humans, aren’t all like that and often can’t be. AND THAT IS OKAY! Being those things does not make you any more lovable or worth it than anyone else, and presenting such ideas in fics just enforces the idea that those characteristics are what makes someone desirable, which really just isn’t true… like… at all. And as fun as that can be for a while (because it is fun to feel cutesy or whatever), it’s actually pretty damaging and annoying. 

(Im def not saying fic writers are bad or mean for using such tropes, especially since I’m sure ive done used them, too…. i’m just saying that at this point, its kinda too widespread)

Even though I know I can offer you very little relief… I just want you to know that you are not dirty, gross, ugly, unattractive, unlovable, ANYTHING, because you are hairy. Anyone who says otherwise is a WEAK, PUSSY ASS BITCH who has never had a real problem in their life and is doing you a favor by weeding themselves out. 

The people who really matter (and real men, for that matter), don’t want or need you to change yourself, and they are out there just waiting to love you, even if you haven’t found them yet. DO NOT EVER SETTLE. 

Honestly I’m not gonna go into it any further bc I have too many thoughts but the whole conversation around body hair just pisses me off. PEOPLE HAVE HAIR ON THEIR BODIES and If u expect otherwise or are mean abt it… you are a fucking pinhead.  

(This includes bitches who are like: “I dont care if you have hair, I just personally prefer to shave!!” .... don’t care didnt ask plus how does it feel to be a slave to the patriarchy? Is eating internalized misogyny for breakfast every day really that delicious?) 

anyway…. It’s not, nor will ever be, your responsibility to cater to losers who dont understand how the human body, and by extension, your medical condition works. You dont owe anyone an explanation, and one day you will definitely find the right people to hang out with, and a comfortable solution for your hair!!

One of the reasons I like BNHA is because I know for a fact those boys don’t care about SHIT!!!!! They do not have the time or energy to care about someone only for their looks…. and I know this might seem unbelievable or opportunistic, but I literally think abt the fact that the bnha boys like body hair every day… and I have come up with reasons that back my opinions up for ALL OF THEM (soooo… ask me abt them some time LOL) 

(Also im sorry bc this is rude… but im definitely omw to smack the shit out of ur mom…. that attitude is sooooooo rank and nasty lol… even if u love her.. I DON’T and she owes you money for laser if she’s really gonna make comments like that)