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c-is-for-circinate · 3 years

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As promised: let's talk Hades, and how acts of abuse can create toxic environments for everyone around them, and also how people react to those environments--and to them being disrupted.

(For reference, I have just kicked Theseus's ass for the first time, it was exactly as satisfying as it was intended to be, and then I got predictably slaughtered a couple of chambers into Styx. Spoilers for everything through that point, but please no spoilers in reblogs/comments for anything after that!) Also, TW for a whole lot of discussion of abuse, particularly verbal and emotional abuse, and abusive familyworkplace dynamics.

Okay, so. To start out with, Hades is an abusive parent. He engages in innumerable acts of verbal and emotional abuse towards his son, because yep, that's what you call it when a parent constantly berates and belittles their kid for every perceived failure, including the ones the parent themselves could have prevented. Sometimes especially the ones the parent could have prevented. Zagreus failed at his office clerk job because Hades refused to teach him how to do it and then blamed him for not already knowing how. Cerberus tore up the lounge because Hades, who was actually there, chose not to stop him. Hades created, possibly deliberately, and then took full advantage of every opportunity he saw to insult and demean his kid, and the clerk job flashback shows us that he was doing so even before the escape attempts started. I'm pretty sure we're all on the same page here, but: yep, that all constitutes abuse, even if they're gods. Even if Hades has reasons for Being Like That. Even if you think Zagreus seems okay and unharmed by it (which: repeatedly throwing yourself into a gauntlet of violence that inevitably ends in your own pain and death because you're so desperate to escape home, not actually an indicator of someone who's okay). We all good on that?

Cool. Because I'm not really here to talk about how Hades' abuse directly impacts Zagreus right now (although there's for sure an essay in that too). I'm thinking about how it impacts everybody else.

Hades isn't as obviously unreasonable with anybody else in his kingdom the way he is with his kid. When we see him lecture somebody else, it's usually for an actual failure to do their job: Hypnos for literally falling asleep on the job and not doing anything that was assigned to him, Megaera for letting us past her so many time, Orpheus for being a court bard who refuses to sing. His attitude is super confrontational and unpleasant, but on the surface it doesn't necessarily look as fucked-up. Thing is, though, whether any individual act of aggression towards an employee/family member is justified or not (I would generally argue 'not', because aggression towards employees/family members is, y'know, not justifiable)--it's not about the individual acts. It's about the entire cultivated atmosphere of toxicity and abuse.

One of the very first things Meg ever says to us is, "I'd rather be on your bad side than his." Up until that point, we've got no reason to believe Meg has any history whatsoever of fucking up at her job. In fact, we've got plenty of reason to believe she's good at it. She's fiercely proud of it, she's frequently Employee Of The [Time Period], and we've apparently never even met her sisters because she handles her shit herself. But she's still scared of Hades. Dusa, who is an anxious wreck at all times because oh god what if she gets fired what if she gets fired what if she gets fired, in spite of apparently being absolutely exemplary at her job, is scared of Hades. Every single shade in the Hall is clearly terrified of Hades, and it's not because of what he's done to each of them. It's what they've seen him do to other people.

Which is how toxic environments work, whether they're work environments or families. The Court of Hades is of course both, always, with the bonus hell layer of you can't quit even if you DIE. An abuser in authority doesn't have to target you in order to make you feel scared, cowed, and desperate to please them. Humans (and gods who are basically extra-powerful humans) are good at learning by example. The residents of the Court get the picture.

So this Court is a minefield--and everyone except Zagreus is very good at tiptoeing around mines. We see it in Meg, so desperate to do her job well. We see that Hypnos very clearly does not give a shit about anything, but he still makes sure to have a list of excuses ready if/when Hades ever confronts him about failure to do his job, just in case. We see it when Achilles tells us that my ability to help you is constrained by the authority your father gives me, or whatever the line was sixty runs ago when he couldn't let me into locked chambers. The system, such as it is, works, and if Nyx talks to Hades as little as possible, if Thanatos avoids the Court entirely, if Achilles treads very carefully and knows how to keep his head down--well that's just the system, right? That's just how things are.

Even Zagreus seems to have had a role in that system as the court fuckup. He's the kid who didn't have a real job or purpose. He could take the focus of Hades' generalized, day-to-day ire off of everyone else, without triggering some of the more direct and violent ire because the work he was doing didn't really matter (a LOT of Hades' rage-triggers seem to be related to job performance, which means that the people with real jobs are of course the most at risk). And he could do so "safely" (big emphasis on the quotation marks there) because he alone of the court is Hades' actual kid, who's Prince of the Underworld no matter how much he fucks up. If one of Nyx's other kids gets something really really wrong, she might be able to protect them from some consequences, but Hades doesn't have any layer of supposed parental affection holding him back from getting violently furious about it. Zagreus gets a nice bedroom and the abuse is limited to words rather than divine power, and Hades is a dick to everyone but he only occasionally condemns people to eternities of torture, and only for good reasons like refusing to sing when your job is to be court bard, so it's fine, everybody's fine, everything's totally fine, right?

Except it's not fine when everybody is so clearly worried about anything going wrong. And it's especially not fine for Zagreus, who's the person to finally say no. He's leaving, for his own sake, because he deserves better and he's finally convinced he can have it. And that turns the whole system into disarray.

I am endlessly fascinated by the ways this game portrays different characters reacting to this upheaval in their carefully-mapped minefield. It's different for authority figures and peers and servants, different based on how people are positioned in the house under Hades' rule, and it's so spot-on and I love it.

Nyx, for instance, is absolutely calm about the whole thing, because Nyx has power. Hades can't hurt her. Hades can't even really do much against her children, not when Hypnos and Thanatos are gods in their own right. Yes, Hades rules the kingdom, but Nyx owns the land, and she gives no shits about his rages. And it's interesting, too, to see the lines she doesn't draw. The deal seems to be that Hades doesn't fuck with her, and doesn't outright threaten her kids (because Hypnos is bad at his job, demonstrably so, and Hades hasn't ruined him yet), and she doesn't interfere with the way he treats the people around him. She gives Zagreus advice and support and the mirror, but she also doesn't take a direct stand against Hades. He can't hurt her, but he could make life...difficult. She's protected, her position in the minefield is more of a safe viewing platform than slogging through the middle of it, but the mines are still there.

And then we have Achilles, who is one of my favorite characters in the whole game because of how he reacts to this whole situation. Achilles, like Nyx, is so supportive. Every single time you see him he has something encouraging to say. He gives us his Codex, secretly finds us weapons, trained us for years, clearly wants us to succeed. And still he's limited, not necessarily out of fear for himself (though he has to be scared for himself, he knows what Hades does to people who anger him), but out of concern that if he gives Zagreus too much help in one way, he won't be able to provide help at all later. He's still so careful.

Achilles and Nyx are so fucking important to this story because they're the only authority figures Zagreus really has in his life except for his father, and they are so supportive. They're what keep this story from being a nightmare of psychological horror and depression. They can't stop the pressure from Hades and this life in his house being miserable for Zag, but they can give us hope, remind us that Zagreus is still loved. And they have such an incredibly important role when it comes to guilt, which is one of the biggest ways toxic systems maintain themselves.

If Zagreus leaves, what happens to everybody else? Who takes Hades' wrath then? Who becomes court scapegoat if he's not there, and also, who gets punished for his escape? These questions matter, and we see him worry about it! He asks Nyx and Achilles both, is it going to be okay that you're helping me, are you going to be alright, will my father hurt you for this? And they are both so firm about telling him no. No, I will be fine. See, here's the list of reasons about why I'm going to be fine, why my position in this minefield is secure. They make a point of telling us that it's fine, that we do not need to hold ourself back from getting out of this abusive situation for their sake. That is instrumental in Zagreus's ability to keep making these escape attempts without feeling too guilty and worried and selfish to go on. (Another thing that's actually really important in setting up that dynamic--we see that Hades cares about Cerberus, even if he's using him as a pawn against us, and Cerberus seems to be the one figure in court who Hades doesn't get mad at. The dog isn't at risk, and that is really essential in keeping the story from getting too grim.) These people who we care about refuse to let themselves be held hostage to secure our good behavior.

It's also really useful for raising the stakes later in the story--we see Hades arguing with Nyx once or twice, and we see Zagreus feeling guilty about it, but it's also a sign that we're making enough progress to piss him off. After I finally made it out of Elysium on my last run, I came home to find him furious with Achilles in a way that actually makes me nervous, because Achilles does not have nearly as much security in his position as he says he does. (Achilles is such a good teacher/authority figure, because he knows goddamn well what Hades could do to him, and still refuses to let fear for his own situation stop him from helping the abused kid under his care escape his. And no, not everybody has the capacity to do that, but it matters so much coming from the guy who helped raise us. It matters so much. I do not even have the words for how much.)

It's also no mistake that many of the people we find supporting us along our journey are either the people with the most power in their immediate environment, or the least. Sisyphus helps us because what more could they do to me than this? Orpheus is a little wild around the eyes and somewhat disconnected from reality, and he wishes us the best because someone should get what they want and also he no longer gives a single fuck what happens to him. Eurydice has her own cozy little corner of Asphodel, as safe from Hades' rage as anybody anywhere in his realm because she's tucked in such an out-of-the-way middle place she's outside his notice. Dusa is so scared of everything anyway that, crush aside, she isn't any more threatened by us escaping than she is just by her everyday life here. Charon is unfathomable and unstoppable; Skelly literally exists to be a punching bag, and yet he also seems basically immune to pain, no matter what we do to him. There's no threat from Hades there.

So the people most at risk when I flip the world on its ear are the ones who have so much standing that they have something to lose, but not enough to protect them from losing it. Which of course brings us to Than and Meg--who are, of course, the two people who also seem by far the most upset by my attempts to leave.

As authority figures, Nyx and Achilles are constantly reinforcing the message that it's Hades' fault, not ours, if they or anybody else get caught in the crossfire of his wrath. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and it's not my guilt to bear. From Megaera and Thanatos, we get the opposite message--I am fucking with things, I am hurting people, and I need to stop. Zagreus isn't just abandoning them, as a friend or brother or lover or all of the above they're Greek gods who even knows. He's betraying them. They were in this together, as friends or lovers or whatever, but now Zagreus is sending earthquakes through the minefield they both still have to stand in. He is about to capsize this boat in the middle of a thunderstorm, he is fucking with the system, and they're the ones who are going to get most hurt.

I'm so curious how this is going to work for Than, who out of everyone we meet holds the closest role to Nyx's in terms of being sheltered from Hades' wrath. He's the guy who gets to leave, after all, even though he always has to come back. I've seen the least of him out of anybody so far because it took forever for me to get to Elysium, but two things really stand out and I'm so interested to see where they go. One, he really genuinely does care about Zagreus. He wants us safe, he wants us unhurt, the accessory he gives us only grants its bonus if we clear a room without taking injury, he keeps showing up to help. And two, he wants us to give up and go back and recognize how good we had it. Which is SO fucking interesting, considering how miserable Zagreus so clearly was, and how legitimate his reasons for being miserable were.

It makes me wonder so much about Than's standards for comparison. Does he know something we don't about what's waiting for us on the surface, something that might theoretically hurt Zagreus even more than staying down below? Has his life, which apparently allows him more freedom than anybody else in the Court, sucked horribly in ways we haven't seen, and that's why he spends so little time there in the first place? Either of those things is plausible, both of those things are plausible, and yet either one leads to this sense of patronizing, because he refuses to simply tell us. If something terrible is awaiting us, don't give us vague warnings, tell us what it is and let us decide for ourself! If you're fucking jealous because we might get out entirely and you're still stuck coming back here, say so. If you're worried about your mom--and he does bring her up, how could Zagreus turn his back on her like that, does seem to worry for her--then let's have an actual conversation about how many times she has insisted I do this and also how much I love her.

And, right, it's clear that a lot of Thanatos being upset is simply, you were going to leave me without even saying goodbye, you want to leave ME, which is understandable! But, like, he is demonstrably the one god who gets to visit the surface. He's the one person we actually COULD expect to see again. And he is absolutely also upset because there's an Order To Things, and we're fucking it up. We used to be his careless callow reckless friend who could talk back to Hades and get away with it, and now we're not, and everything is changing and we might leave him altogether, and we might leave him alone in that court without us, and he hates it.

Is it a short-sighted, selfish fear on his part? Yes, absolutely. Even if he's not scared of Hades on his own behalf, he is still frightened by what happens if we upset this system--and maybe it's the sanctity of a much bigger system than the Underworld that he's worried about! Maybe it's the whole divine and cosmic order. Whatever system he wants so badly to protect is enabling the abuse Zagreus has been dealing with for however-long he's been alive. Whatever system he wants so badly to protect OUGHT to be overturned, or at least shaken up. But this is what toxic systems DO. They convince the people within them that they have to be maintained, that a broken system that hurts the people within it is far better than no system at all, that changing the world is too scary and too dangerous. And Thanatos wants his whatever-Zagreus-is-to-him to be there, because he loves him and also because that's how the world works, and those things are all tangled up in one another, and that is how relationships are in a messed-up family like this so therefore I love it.

And Meg. Meg, the best for last, my dear, beautiful, furious, bitter, scared angry tired girl. I adore her. I am absolutely never going to date her, because the thing Zagreus needs most in his life hurts her, more directly than anybody else in the story, and that sucks, and it's not Zag's fault but they still shouldn't be together. Meg has taken more injury from this situation than anyone, quite literally as well as metaphorically, and it's not her fault any more than it's ours, but oh boy it has made her lash out and it's awful and it's perfect.

Meg's place in the Court of Hades is unique because she's not dead, not a mortal, not anything other than a god--but she's also not family. Nyx is not her mother. She's very much part of this system, she and her two sisters belong to Hades-the-realm and therefore also Hades-the-king, she can't leave, but she also doesn't have that protection of Nyx watching out for her in the same way. She's not royalty. She and her sisters (if you ask Hesiod instead of Virgil, which seems to be the interpretation the game's going with here) sprang from the blood of maimed Uranus at the same time as Aphrodite, but fuck knows Aphrodite isn't claiming them as siblings. And she can't be fired, exactly, but she sure can be demoted, and she sure can be made miserable in her job. Meg is vulnerable in a way very few people in Hades' employ are. She's a lot harder to do away with than any one random shade, but she's also a lot harder to miss blending in with a crowd.

What's more, she's the one person in this whole mess who is specifically tasked with stopping us from leaving. Hypnos isn't ordered to put us to sleep and keep us in our room. Thanatos can't be compelled or punished if he doesn't hunt us down. Achilles isn't told to lock us up and keep the keys. Meg is the one stationed at the doorway to Tartarus to keep us in. Meg is the one who gets in trouble when we leave. Meg (who Hades knows goddamn well Zagreus cares for, or cared for, who he absolutely knows we used to date) is the one who has to fight us again and again and again. And she's the one who keeps dying.

Again, it's this incredibly fucked-up guilt/hostage situation deliberately designed to keep people from fleeing abusive situations. Meg's insistence on fighting us now puts Zagreus in the position of having to hurt her himself again and again. Now suddenly we're the ones sticking a sword in our ex-girlfriend. Now suddenly someone can point to our desire to leave, to flee, to escape, and say, how selfish. How cruel. How terrible of us to want to go, when we're even willing to hurt the people we love to do it.

Except, right: Hades is the one who demands Meg stand there and stop us. Hades is the one who puts both of us in that position. Meg is also in an abusive situation, and she's willing to hurt us to protect herself. "I'd rather be on your bad side than your father's." It's easy to blame her at the start for being complicit, for being a tool of our father's abuse, for being on his side. It gets harder as the game goes on. I've killed her so many times. There's no way for her to beat me. She knows at this point that she can't beat me. She still fights, every single time, still throws herself upon that spike, not because she thinks she has any chance of stopping me but because she is so damn scared of what will happen if she doesn't try.

In fact, Meg's the one person we have actually seen face consequences for our actions so far, instead of just facing the threat of them. Her sisters are here. Her sisters, who she clearly does not want here, who are wild and violent and who she does not want in her life or anywhere near her, let alone near the job she takes so much pride in. She gets to deal with them now. (Hades doesn't have to deal with them. They're still not allowed in his court. But Meg does.) She gets stabbed, and bludgeoned, and shot, and lightning-struck, and poisoned, and every other thing we do to her. Thanatos doesn't. Nyx and Achilles and Hypnos don't. Bug Meg? Oh yes. Meg pays.

And yes, ok, she is complicit in this system. Everybody is complicit in this system. Zagreus who's trying to escape on his own behalf instead of overthrowing his father for the sake of everyone he'd otherwise be leaving behind is complicit in this system. Pointing fingers and pulling strings of who's more at fault? and who do we blame for this? is exactly how this sort of system perpetuates itself. Your sister always talked back at the dinner table and put everyone in an even worse and more violent mood. Your coworker refuses to work more than forty hours a week so now you have to take overtime to pick up their slack. You're enabling your dad by asking your sister to shut up, you're enabling your employer by working as hard as you do so you don't get fired, everyone's at fault, everyone's to blame, everyone is--

It's not everyone. It's Hades. It's Hades at the root of everything, and probably something big and institutional and fucked-up even beyond him. But even if everyone down in this Underworld does have to be trapped here forever, even if he's trapped here forever, Hades is neither challenging the system that put them here nor trying to make that fate better for anyone else stuck with him. He's just created an entire kingdom of backbiting and misery and people who can either go along with his whims or suffer the consequences.

At this point in the game, Meg is so fucking tired. Every time we run into her in the lounge, hunched over a table, the venom in her voice when she tells us "Do I look like I have anything to say to you?" is so bitter and so exhausted. There was a system, and she knew her place in the system, and it was a system divinely ordered by the gods themselves, and sure it was cruel but that's the literal will of the universe as far as she knows it. She had a role, and her role was vengeance and punishment and violence against those who'd committed the most egregious of sins in life, and there was a point to it, she was the divine deterrent to convince people not to do those things, and that was just, and that was right. The GODS THEMSELVES said so. How do you argue with that? You can't possibly argue with that!

And Zagreus is arguing with that. In trying to leave, he's questioning the unbreakable rule that nothing in the Underworld ever gets to leave it. In disobeying his father to do so, he's questioning the unbreakable rule that what the gods say is LAW. He's breaking everything.

And of course he's not trying to do any of that. He's not trying to destabilize the system at all. He's just trying to get himself out of it, to a place where he feels like he belongs and maybe a parent who's slightly nicer to him than this one. But toxic systems like this one break when the people within them have access to another option. When the kids find a way to actually leave, and not answer the phone, and not come home for holidays, and not deal with it any more. When the employees have the economic freedom to quit. When opportunities granted by education, money, social support, etc etc etc, show up and give people a choice. Even if the option is only ever for Zagreus--he's demonstrating that an option exists. Which is, of course, the one thing the system cannot ever allow.

I really like this game.

#hades game #hades spoilers #C plays stuff #driveby meta attack

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funkymbtifiction · 2 years

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Which MBTI or Enneagram types merge and become one with the fictional (or real) characters in books/movies they read/watch?

I don't know that it's tied to MBTI type, though I have found it rather common in 9s who diffuse themselves into whatever they are watching and get lost in it, almost as if they are merging with entertainment rather than another person. Several INFP 9s have told me they're careful what they watch since they don't want to merge into anything they hate and be stuck with feelings they don't want.

I do that a lot. I don't necessarily mean every character, but the ones that I relate to on a basic level (due to similar background, desires, limitations, life problems, pains, mental states or life stories, etc). I can rarely get myself to watch and enjoy movies/series with no characters I can relate to.

This is somewhat similar to an ISTP 9 I know, who told me that it's not just if she can't relate, but that she can't enjoy anything where she has no desire to live vicariously through the characters -- like if there's no character I WANT TO BE, this movie is meaningless to me. It's strange from my perspective how a lot of introverts want to relate to characters, or find ones exactly like them, or identify with them -- because I just watch things and judge them on what I think of the characters' behaviors (selfish or unselfish, someone I'd get along with or not?). Either way, most of the people I know are 9s who do this, and none of them are ITJ types, so it either has to do with feeler + 9 (IFP / my feelings are involved here) or Fe + 9 (absorbing fully into someone else).

I don't know exactly why I do that. I guess by doing it, I get to know that I'm not alone, accept myself, learn their coping skills and imitate some of their behavior, lifestyles and interests.

So you're trying to learn from them?

However, sometimes it gets annoying or even dangerous. Cause sometimes these characters face really depressing situations, develop unhealthy patterns and habits, get into negative cycles or use unhealthy or dangerous coping skills instead of fully accepting themselves. All of these can affect me in a terrible way, as if I am them, or I'm the one facing those problems or feeling their pain/depression, or making those mistakes. And sometimes their pain reminds me of my own situation, which makes me enter a cycle of depression or copy their unhealthy coping skills.

This sounds like over-immersion into fantasy, or being unable to separate fantasy from reality. You aren't reinforcing a boundary. The mind naturally interprets what we see on movies as 'real' which is why our emotions can be engaged. But the conscious mind knows it's not real, it's scripted. You need to learn to establish boundaries and create a division between me and the object -- me and the movie. Their habits are not mine, their emotions are not mine, and not give of yourself that freely. And it might be wise, until you learn to better distance yourself, to research things in advance and not indulge in things that are too close to a bad situation in your own life.

I have experienced this some, where instead of watching something to get me out of depression, I watched something depressing to sink me further into it, or I absorbed its ideas about myself or injected myself into the narrative and expected similar things to happen to me (when I was about eighteen and saw Girl Interrupted, I assumed because of my depression I might wind up in a mental ward one day and got even more depressed :P that was not my brightest moment).

Ne's are rather too good at fantasizing and self-injecting into a fake world, especially if they are attachment types who struggle to divorce themselves from the object or idea. It's easy to step away and just fall into something and go with it and assume it's about you, without having enough self-differentiation to realize this is fake. So it's something to be aware of, as well as aware of how entertainment impacts you and to stay away from the stuff that hurts you. (I had to stop watching Mad Men, because it depressed me so much.)

My rational side finds this unhealthy and wants to get out of it, but no matter how hard I try, I still get back to step one, overindulge in this behavior and indirectly enjoy putting myself in those depressing situations with those triggers (watching/reading/listening to those movies/books/musics several times). Is this behavior common in unhealthy INTPs? Is it inferior Fe or enneagram related?

Indirect enjoyment is why you keep doing it. People do nothing unless there is a perverse reward of some kind in it, even if it's self-destructive. You don't want to stop doing it bad enough to stop.

I'd say you first need to address why you can't watch anything without self-inserting into the narrative (I need to relate to someone) -- is this a means of trying to establish yourself in the outside world through someone outside yourself? Or is this the only way you feel in touch with your feelings as an inferior Fe type, to go through it "with" them and then react as they do or beside them? Is this a creative workaround (living vicariously through fiction) rather than reading therapy books that could help you cope with trauma, depression, loss, etc? Ask all kinds of questions of yourself and try to get to the reason why you are doing this; knowing the why might help you to find better coping mechanisms, put up stronger boundaries, and process things separately so you can just 'enjoy' a good movie.

#question #mbti #enneagram #enneagram 9

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whorefordazai · 3 years

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you said there’s so much to say about dazai and his relationship with women...care to share? I’d love to hear your thoughts 👀

dazai and his relationship with women

warnings: mentions of sexual assault and sexualization

// note: a few of you wanted to hear my thoughts on it, which is surprising 😅 but sure! I’d love to talk about it, especially since it’s been on my mind for a while <3

TABLE OF CONTENTS

// scenes in the anime/manga

// port mafia backstory

// sexualization/hyper sexuality

// yozo in no longer human

// conclusion

ps. I’m sorry if this seems messy and all over the place. I have a lot of thoughts on this topic and it’s really interesting to me. If you have anything to say, I’d love to hear it !!

scenes in the anime/manga

In the manga and anime, Dazai is portrayed as a womanizer and big flirt who uses his good looks and charms to manipulate women into getting what he wants. This can be seen in multiple different occasions—such as with Higuchi, the cafe barista (although it doesn’t really work 😅) and most importantly, the nurse.

It wasn’t shown in the anime, but in the manga it’s pretty clear that the author was hinting of some sort of sexual contact between Dazai and the nurse. My guess is that he seduced the nurse into giving him his phone.

“Perhaps if I’m in the mood”—I don’t think he was in the mood again lol.

Now, this is a pretty popular trait of his—using things to his advantage. Especially when it comes to flirting and sexualizing himself. He never attempts to get close with any of these women, or commits to relationships with them. Maybe he feels it wouldn’t be meaningful enough. Dazai doesn’t really do things if he finds no value in them.

port mafia backstory

As we know, Mori used Dazai’s intelligence and talents to get want he wanted and help the mafia in numerous ways. This involved killing, torturing, and other things. Dazai was taught to be strategic, efficient, and use opportunities to his advantage (just like Mori). But I feel like, along the way, there was also some sort of sexualization hidden there.

For example, when Atsushi and Kyouka started her first task at the agency to deliver this envelope, it gets delayed due to security stopping them. Kyouka’s first thought is to use her “womanly charms” and seduce the security guard to distract him and get past. She says that she learned these tactics from the Mafia.

She’s fourteen? Womanly charms?

I’m not saying it’s the most popular tactic in the Mafia besides torture/killing, but the Mafia does use its opportunities. There’s nothing morally right about the place, so I wouldn’t be surprised if Kyouka was taught about such things.

Since Dazai was Mori’s prodigy, I wouldn’t be surprised either if he learned a few tricks from him. However, Dazai does observe his surroundings so maybe he decided to utilize his good looks as advantage all on his own.

Chuuya describes Dazai as an “enemy to all women” and when they first partner up after years of not seeing each other, Chuuya threatens to give Dazai’s address to all the women’s hearts he’s left broken.

This can hint that he’s had multiple relations with women back in his Mafia days—meaning he’s been using these tactics since he was a young teen.

sexualization/hyper sexuality

Sexualization: a person’s value comes only from his or her sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics;

Sexualization is linked to sexual objectification. Obviously there are countless other ways to put this and definitions—but I think using the word “object” really fits Dazai. Early sexualization can lead to dehumanizing thoughts, which can be seen in Dazai.

Dehumanizing thoughts can lead to not caring about your well being or using your body however you’d like with barely any concern (either drugs, sex, etc). At one point in being in the Mafia, he lacked so much empathy for others and that definitely tied into having empathy for himself. To be kind to himself.

Him being manipulated into using these advantages is possible. Even though moments like these are played off as jokes, Dazai and Kyouka could’ve been exploited in such ways.

I do wanna mention hyper sexuality (that I saw in the irl Osamu Dazai when I read the book) but I’ll bring that up later.

yozo in no longer human

As I was reading the book, I noticed a lot about Yozo’s character. It is heavily implied that at a young age, he was sexually assaulted by the maids (men and women) in his house (I was unsure about that, but found out it was canon in the manga adaption by Junji Ito)

“Already by that time I had been taught a lamentable thing by the maids and menservants; I was being corrupted. I now think that to perpetrate such a thing on a small child is the ugliest, vilest, cruelest crime a human being can commit.”

“But I endured it. I even felt as if it enabled me to see one more particular aspect of human beings. I smiled in my weakness.”

— page 35

The first time I read it and processed it, I got chills. Now I’m not saying this has anything to do with bsd Dazai, but it does explain a lot of things.

“Women found me in a man who could keep a love secret.”

Due to the sexual abuse in his childhood, Yozo grew up to be a huge “lady’s man.” This caused him to be hyper sexual, practically using his charms to get whatever he wanted from women. He formed many different relationships with them (that he found no value in) just for all of them to never work out. He made the same mistakes with women over and over again (it was pretty painful watching him get hurt and hurt others so much).

It was an endless cycle of seducing women, using them for either drugs or sex, forming some kind of meaningless relationship, getting hurt, and then doing it all over again. He was stuck.

He was afraid of women.

But maybe breaking their hearts has something to do with his past trauma. In some way, it’s taking back the control and innocence he was stripped of from his childhood.

In the manga adaptation, I was able to clearly see how he treated women. Sometimes even throwing himself onto them, randomly initiating sexual contact, etc.

Yozo’s relationship with women is so incredibly sad and heartbreaking.

conclusion

It was said in this post that Dazai would never be faithful or form a real relationship with a woman unless it was someone like Oda. And I agree. Women, to Dazai, aren’t necessarily objects but they really aren’t something he needs or wants in life.

He can be nice to them, make them feel good, form relationships, but at the end of the day it’s like there’s this huge avoid of empty space between him and the “female species.” So much uncertainty and words that will never be spoken because he cannot form a bond with another human being.

All I can say, fictional or not—he was just a child who was stuck in a terrible situation.

tag list: @uwu-monster101 @14th-century-homosexual-spirit @dai-tsukki-desu @i4gumi @cross-crye @starglow-xx @ranposlover @bsdwhore @arimakii @shadyteacup @smadhuman @knjksj0301 @asthepetalsdance @rirk-ke @mushroomplantasia @pickleisrandom @3-am-depression @its-chuuya-bitch @mars-bakery-shop @dazais-belladona @ijustwantfreenetflix @fashionablyfailing12 @dazailiones @atsushisgf @coveringthebiconissue @the-wholesome-ranpo @missshrek @todorokichills

#bungou stray dogs #bsd #bsd anime #bsd dazai #bsd analysis #dazai osamu #osamu dazai #no longer human

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makingspiritualityreal · 2 years

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On the sad reality of participating in spiritual communities

In the earlier part of my life, my existence was more "mainstream". I was raised by my family into duty, and until I graduated high school this is what my life was about. Not that I ever lacked depth of character, but I was simply working too hard to even look at my emotions. I treated my friends casually, even if I knew some of them for many years, as my work and studying and investing into myself came first. Not even for my personal happiness, but because I knew I couldn't count on anyone but myself, and because of family pressure.

I was raised by a single mother. After I graduated high school, she died unexpectedly and prematurely due to heart failure. If before I was slightly detached from my peers due to always being different from most and my forced maturity due to taking up so many obligations so early in life, having a tragic event at a young age isolated me from everyone even more. It isolated me from my family, that has shown its true colors, even though they should have shared in the pain with me and supported me through a tough time, and that I know I won't have positive relations with ever again. It isolated me from the people I used to be able to be around, as they couldn't relate to the sudden changes in my psyche, that were a natural result of such traumatic events in life.

It isolated me from my peers, because while they were spending their 20s being carefree, enjoying life and getting drunk at student parties, sheltered by their parents, I spent them suffering, in deep depression, with no support system, with reality looming at me both from an emotional and practical point of view, desperately trying to survive. People acted as if I was contagious, like they didn't want anything to do with the life I was forced to live now, even though I had no control over it.

As I adjusted slowly to the painful new reality I was in, I let go of the shallower connections that couldn't handle my entrance into the spiritual path and my search for depth and authenticity in all areas of life. I knew that there was one thing I absolutely needed in my new connections. I needed to find people, that could understand and relate to the level of suffering I've been through. In crude terms, once you go through so much pain, you can't connect to people unless they understand a certain level of messed up. You can't open up to people who don't understand what you want, what you need, how you feel or the alienation that depression brings you in life.

I also knew that I will never find enough people of that sort in my local community. Even while connecting with people internationally, online, among these people that can relate to my story, I also needed people that had enough compatibility with me on an individual level, which of course remains a necessity even in spiritual communities. For many years now, these were the friendships and relationships I was cultivating. This was the type of partner I wanted to be with, this was the kind of circle I thought I would find unity in. Yet, as I went through more and more people over the years, and I met so many of them, each of them with their own unique problems, I learned another painful lesson.

Being troubled and depressed doesn't necessarily make you a good person. Looking for support and understanding in like-minded communities, looking for people who can relate to your pain is human, but doesn't guarantee you are safe with those people at all.

It is of course necessary, especially for an intimate partnership, to have this basic understanding of how the other party suffered, but just because you find someone who has been through things, even if they have gone through difficult experiences that are even worse than what you've been through (and I have met plenty of these kind of people as well), doesn't guarantee that this is a good person, or that they will treat you well.

Perhaps it was a naïve assumption on my part, that someone who understands pain is hypersensitive to it, and thus makes it a point not to hurt others, knowing how bad it feels. Perhaps it was a projection on my part, because this is how I live my life. But I have had people who should have technically understood and related to my suffering more than anyone else hurt me the most. I have seen people, that I have given passes to due to my compassion for them, have no compassion for me at all, and try to use me for their own advantage, and then be very surprised that I would eventually stop contributing to these connections, even if it took me time to get there. I have seen people complain, that they had no one look at their feelings, and then be cruel and selfish with others at the same time. I have seen people, whose pain has taught them nothing.

Don't go into spiritual or astrological communities believing that people you find there must necessary possess a certain level of integrity. I have met people that I used to look up to due to their content, and then found that they're hypocritical in person, have very little self-awareness, and don't practice anything they preach, and they're just as abusive as anyone who has abused them.

It is a sad side of suffering, that while some people do their best to transform and raise out of their ashes, some people refuse to grow and just dig their hole deeper, and try to pull others under with them. They could have been victims of abuse, originally. That ceases to matter, if they perpetuate abusive behaviours themselves.

If you're already traumatised, you have an extra obligation to yourself to be discerning about who you let into your life. If you're already depressed to begin with, and you let the wrong people into your heart, which is easy to do because you may not have the strength to defend yourself at your lower point, gather the little energy you have left and protect yourself. You don't need the extra burden of having to get over your attachment to a person, who brings additional toxicity into your life, when you already have so much healing to do, just to be able to breathe without being in pain.

I can tell you from experience, that next to my challenges in physical living conditions with zero support from anyone, this is the number one cause for misery in my life. Hoping to have friends and a life partner with whom I could find relating and understanding, and ending up with people, who never deserved my time in the first place. Looking at people's souls and lives through the eyes of love, and have them completely take who I am for granted. It was a shock to me to find that out, but you can deliver someone exactly what they need on a silver platter, you can try to find strength in yourself to uplift someone even if you're not doing well yourself, and they can still have the gall to kick you while you're laying down. I repeat, integrity is a rare find, even in Astrological and Spiritual circles.

If you are someone, who is trying to raise above the challenging circumstances in your life, if you're trying to alchemise the pain instead of doing to others what has been done to you, if you don't lie to yourself about things and make it your life mission to do better than what was done to you, you are the most precious commodity you will ever find. Protect yourself and care for yourself with all your might. Put all the value on yourself, and honour your choices and the light you carry within.

You deserve to be around people, who will enrich your life, and who will make sure, that even if you can't ever fully avoid troubles in life, at least they will be there to help you through them, and you will be able to be vulnerable around them without feeling like you're putting yourself at risk.

Emotionally abusive behaviours are common in people who love to play the victim, but people's actions speak for themselves. It doesn't matter how much the other person may have suffered through someone else's actions, you have an obligation to judge them by their actions towards you.

Regardless of the obstacles you face, your choices will determine the course of your life. If someone chooses to hurt you, it defines who they are. But if you constantly let others take advantage of you, that ultimately will define you as well.

You have a responsibility for your life, that no one can take away from you. That responsibility also means you have all the power. You have the power to decide who has access to you. So if someone has decided to take hurtful actions towards you, no matter how much they are hurt themselves, you have the power to decide to choose better for yourself.

#spiritual community #spirituality #astrology #making spirituality real

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somebody-909 · 3 years

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Yeong-gi was arrested as a kid [I Love Yoo Theory]

In celebration of the return of my favourite webtoon, I thought I'd share the theory I shared on reddit a while ago about our favourite red head (revamped with pictures and extra discussion). This theory was eventually pretty much proven correct in Episode 112.

TLDR: Allusions to violent behaviour, a bad period of time where Yeong-gi was away, and stigmatized treatment resembling how you treat a criminal, lead me to believe that Yeong-gi, having been deeply affected by the events with his mother, developed violent behaviour, that resulted in legal trouble of some sort. He was then sent "away" somewhere for some time, likely either juvie or a rehabilitation centre of sorts for juvenile delinquents.

1. "How long has it been since you got out?"

In episode 16, when Kousuke visits Yeong-gi at Mrs. Lochlainn's (Yeong-gi's granny) place, he asks:

"How long has it been since you got out? Four years, maybe five? I'll stop for today. I know you don't like being reminded of what happened back then."

This suggests that Yeong-gi "got out" of some place/institution. The words "got out" are also quite ominous... (I would even argue that it implies being "locked" away). I find it hard to believe he would be using this for something that wasn't incredibly unpleasant/hard for Yeong-gi to get through. Kousuke proceeds to say, "Four years, maybe five? I'll stop for today. I know you don't like being reminded of what happened back then," confirming this implication.

I have seen a few possible interpretations of where Yeong-gi might've been "away" for a while. I personally think it's most likely something legal (juvie or juvenile delinquent related rehab), although others believe it might've been a mental institution, and others think it was a boarding school.

I see how "got out" could be used for the first two options easily, but the last one is a bit more shaky. "... since you left boarding school" might be a more natural way of referring to that, since it would have to be a really bad boarding school to refer to it in the way Kousuke does.

The following clues lean more towards Yeong-gi being away due to criminal reasons, however.

2. Treated like a delinquent.

The next clue and the biggest is how everyone treats Yeong-gi. His family treats him like a delinquent (I choose this word specifically because of its connotations... not just a troubled, hopeless kid... but more a kid you can't trust because he will be irresponsible and bad).

In episode 19, the students talk about how Yeong-gi hangs out with Soushi (who they think is a delinquent as seen in episode 20 probably bc he's a brown guy with a scar tbh TT)

"His family's got some great connections, that's the only reason I'm being friendly with the dude."

"But what's the point in doing that? He only hangs out with this delinquent from another school."

"You're joking..."

"I'm not! I saw him! Got a scar too... probably got it from a fight..."

"So it's true what they say then... Him being..."

"Shh! Don't say it out loud!"

They think Yeong-gi is hanging out with and is friends with a delinquent who they associate with having been violent. They immediately ask, "So is it true what they say then … Him being …"

What kind of rumour would they think is true if they saw Yeong-gi hanging out with a "thug"?

It would make sense to finish that question with "So is it true what they say then … Him being a criminal" or "a delinquent".

If we were to go with the mental hospital theory, it might work if they said "him being violent" but that doesn't really work as well here in relation to Soushi being a "delinquent."

There is a bit of nuance between what they would associate with someone with a criminal history, in comparison to someone who had been admitted to an institution for mental health issues, even if both possibilities were linked to violent outbursts.

As for his family, they treat him terribly. Like he's a screw up, a troublemaker. Not so much like someone with mental illness. I think by this point its clear that Yeong-gi made a big mistake, but what would be so bad that they treat him like this?

3. Hints of being "away" and having a criminal past.

There are several subtle hints that indicate Yeong-gi did have a criminal past of sorts. Or at least spent some time away.

Episode 79 - significant criminal past

When Yeong-gi and his father meet the lawyer about the assault and drug case in episode 79, the lawyer says:

"Your son does not have a significant criminal past."

Why not just say that he doesn't have "a criminal past" at all, period? Now this seems negligible, but Quimchee has used very subtle hints like this in the past so I wouldn't put it past her (eg. Yui calling Yeong-gi, "kid," and Kousuke "son," to indicate she is related to Kousuke and not Yeong-gi).

Episode 79 - Hansuke couldn't get to know Yeong-gi

Kousuke's cousin, Hansuke, states that he never got to know Yeong-gi back in their college days because:

"I was busy with my residency and [Yeong-gi] was… you know… "

This alludes to Yeong-gi having been unable to hang out because he had something going on...

Kousuke's Corner 2 and Episode 72 - a year behind

Yeong-gi is also a year older than Shin-Ae and his twelfth grade peers... Having any sort of legal trouble could cause a kid to flunk a year.

References to violent behaviour

In Episode 51, Kousuke mocks Yeong-gi, stating that he can have his assistant bring his punching bag if he needed an outlet for his frustrations.

Not being in "control" of his emotions is a recurring motif, with Yeong-gi's family members and even with himself.

Affinity for physical fitness (boxing) as a coping mechanism

I think it's significant that after being alluded to having had violent behaviour, his coping mechanism is something very physical. Boxing, interestingly, imitates violence.

Thematically fits with the end of the Black and White Formal arc

This is more my personal opinion... But I think Yeong-gi punching that pos Sangchul after constantly being passive aggressively criticized for violent behaviour is... cruelly fitting. Him being arrested and possibly repeating what had once happened, and after he had constantly been told not to repeat it, would be a sad parallel to what he once had to deal with.

Possible alternative explanations

TW: mentions of poor mental health and suicide attempts

I think it's most certain that Yeong-gi had legal trouble of some sort, likely due to a violent altercation, and that he was sent somewhere as a result of this incident.

Where he was actually sent to as a result, however, is a bit more shaky.

Since it was a minor criminal past, it's possible could've been simply arrested and not been sent to juvie at all. If his father was heavily involved in his life, he would likely have intervened if juvie became a possibility.

There are some who speculate Yeong-gi had very poor mental health, likely due to what happened with his mother and may have even attempted suicide. While this is possible, there isn't a lot to indicate past depressive or suicidal tendencies. For sure, his violent behaviour was coupled with poor mental health... but not necessarily poor mental health of this nature. I also feel that there is some nuance in how people would talk to Yeong-gi if his time away was precipitated by a suicide attempt. Someone who had self-harming tendencies isn't treated like a thug. Someone who beat up a kid might be though. (depressive tendencies could've been coupled with violence that caused his time "away," but once again, there is not a lot to really hint at severe depressive behaviours).

There are also theories of foster care, if his mother died (which seems to be the most likely scenario with her). I don't think this is the case because we have seen a young Yeong-gi interact with a young Kousuke. The two brothers (and their parents) were aware of each other. There is also his nana.

I think the most likely scenario is that Yeong-gi, having been deeply affected by the events with his mother, developed violent behaviour, that resulted in legal trouble of some sort.

He was then sent somewhere as a result: either juvie or a rehabilitation centre of sorts for juvenile delinquents, or an asylum (due to aggression issues). Regardless, it must have been tied to a violent incident, resulting in legal action and detention and possibly a follow up mental health related thing (rehab/asylum).

Episode 112's confirmation:

There is a vague flashback alluding to a period of time where Yeong-gi was in trouble, specifically stating

"Poor kid. No one is going to want him."

"Why not?"

"...Behavioural and aggression issues".

This alludes both to Yeong-gi getting into trouble for hurting someone, AND for being guardian-less for a period of time (no one "wanting him" seems to reference foster care or adoption).

Later in the episode, Yeong-gi's classmates gossip and say:

"Wasn't he at a detention centre for a bit?"

"I thought he was in an asylum?"

"He was sent somewhere for sure..."

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phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust · 3 years

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We keep talking about John wanting one person to be everything in his life, but When do you think he got the idea that he could get one person to be eveything? Maybe it was before/early in his relationship with Cynthia, and at some point he thought she would be everything for him (which, holy shit wake up babe new boat just dropped). Or maybe he got that idea while he was on the boat named Paul, and then moved on to the boat named Yoko when the first boat didn't work out. Maybe after Julia’s death?? Maybe I'm forgetting someone??? or maybe he’s had this idea his whole life, idk, what do you think?

This is a fun one, cause we know I love a good armchair psychological analysis :) (although as always, im not a psychologist, im a dumb 17 year old girl - so take what I say with a grain o’ salt!)

EDIT: Also, sorry it took me so long to answer this, I wasn’t ignoring you anon I promise!! I was just on holiday and taking a break from the internet!

I kind of think that that longing had been there within John virtually his entire life, even from a very early age. But I think the first person to ever really tolerate it was Yoko (I don’t think it was a good thing for her to tolerate it though, but ill get on to that in a minute).

Personally, im for the belief that John most likely had Borderline Personality Disorder - and so the isolation he experienced wasn’t so much from depression itself (although, it must have worsened when he was experiencing some of his depressive episodes). I mean, depression and bpd tend to be closely intertwined, so they aren’t mutually exclusive - but what im attempting to articulate is that I think Johns loneliness was more closely related to his disordered personality, rather then just his bouts of depression. So this alienation was something he lived with chronically (im sure he had good days and bad days y’know - but overall, I think a sense of alienation was intrinsically linked to his personality). If you have some knowledge about bpd, then you'll probably know that they are ofter prone to forming very intense attachments to people (often referred to as a "favourite person"). I couldn't detail the exact psychology behind why this is so common for people with this disorder, but simply, it just is; id say its at least partially because a relationship can make you feel whole and fulfilled, at least for a time, but naturally if you don't address your underlying issues, this feeling won't be sustained.

And so I don’t think that its as if he necessarily had this idea that he just needs this one person to be his everything, and then all his problems will be fixed - I think there was always a part of his subconscious that needed someone else, and sought refuge through means of intimate relationships in an attempt to escape this sense of isolation. But ultimately, I think isolation still underpinned Johns life, regardless of how close he got with another person.

If we observe one of his earliest friendships, with Pete Shotton, we might note that John would refer to himself and Pete as: "Shennon and Lotton", interconnecting the two's names as though they were one entity. Another aspect of their friendship that is notable is the quote from Pete, and I paraphrase here because I cant be arsed with finding the quote, that "John always needed a gang". I want to clarify that John having a best friend, and making silly names for their partnership, was not a weird thing, because its common for children to grow closely attached to one of their friends. But its the fact that these types of relationships persisted for John throughout his entire life that makes me feel like his early friendship with Pete is perhaps notable and telling of his personality, and the traits the persisted within it through adolescence and into adulthood. Its certainly a weaker point, because I don't think Johns relationship with Pete was anything out of the ordinairy - but it does show I guess that John was always prone to fixating on individual people even from an early age.

This is a tiny bit of a hot take, but I don't think Julia's death was the thing that fucked him up for life - it was definitely traumatising for him, and the fact that he never truly fixed his relationship with his mother I think left a dent in his psyche that had great affects on his relationships and emotional regularity - but really, I think even if Julia hadn't died so abruptly, John was already carrying an immense amount of trauma, and so her death was more like the nail in the coffin for him. Perhaps his already-existing issues might have been resolved easier had Julia lived? We'll never know I guess.

But yeah, I think more notable aspects of John's childhood that helped in forming this 'longing' within him, might be his being taken away from Julia at age 5 and Mimi's arguably 'cold' parenting style.

Now on to Yoko: as I mentioned earlier, I think Yoko was the first person to really tolerate Johns "clinginess" (for lack of a better term). You could argue other people, such as Pete, Stuart, Paul, Cynthia etc. were the real first people to tolerate, and even harbour this trait of Johns - and to some degree, I might agree! But none of them did so to the degree in which Yoko did. If we examine this quote: “Yoko was more then willing to organise his life…He wasn’t happy cut loose and far away. John needed a mother figure running his life.” (Imagine This by Julia Baird, pg. 241) we can infer John’s vulnerability and lack of sense of self - he craved somebody who stable, and more sane then him. Arguably, a large part of the reason John was so rigorously attached to Yoko, was because Yoko was willing to embody stability; and stability was probably something John was seldom used too. Whether it was confusion caused by an external force, or just something internal within him that had to fuck things up, it appears that chaos followed him throughout his life - especially within his relationships.

But John didn’t need someone to provide a satisfaction to this want - he needed therapy (real therapy, not primal scream quack crap). Ultimately, I don’t think Yoko helped him - partially because they appear to be a pretty toxic partner, but also partly because John didn’t need a partner. As I said before, he needed…

…therapy

And Yoko was not therapy.

P.S. something about this post feels incomplete, but im just gonna post it anyway, and maybe edit it later if I figure out what that something is

#im back baby #yoko #thoughts #john #johns psyche #john and yoko #complex relationships #toxic relationships #asks #anon #mclennon #discussion #john and bpd

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space-malex · 3 years

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I know nobody likes the Wyatt and Rosa thing, and I completely understand that, and kind of agree, but I have to admit I also find it to be pretty fascinating. I feel like it brings up all sorts of questions about alternate realities and nature versus nurture. I would never excuse the things that Wyatt has done, and it’s very difficult for me to see real redemption for him, at least not through simply erasing what he did in his own mind. But it’s still super interesting. Who would he have become if Kate hadn’t died? Or if he hadn’t been radicalized? I don’t think he necessarily would have been Mr. Liberal, but he very likely wouldn’t have become the person that he is now either.

A bit of a personal story. My mother always voted Republican because of abortion only. A single issue voter. For my entire childhood up until my mid 20s, when she voted, and it wasn’t in every election, she voted Republican, but that was the only reason why. She knew nothing else about politics, she had zero interest, and she was…for the most part….a relatively normal person. Not perfect. Had her issues with depression, anxiety, etc. But still…somewhat normal. Then she lost her best friend. And then she lost my grandfather. Pretty close together. The two people that she was the closest to and the two people that she talked to the most. (Also both my grandpa and Jan were staunch democrats). And then somehow, someway, she started making “friends” on Facebook that were extreme conservatives. She started consuming nothing but Fox News and fake internet bs. And she is now one of the most hateful, conspiracy theorist, delusional, and radical people I’ve ever known. She didn’t storm the capitol on January 6th, but she may as well have. She definitely was cheering for it. She thinks Covid is made up. She won’t get vaccinated because she thinks there’s a chip in it. Anti gay, anti blm, anti any liberal or even moderate policy you can imagine. And she was never like that. Not ever. Seeing who she is today compared to who she was 10 years ago is like night and day. She was completely and utterly brainwashed by the echo chamber surrounding her and there is no getting through to her anymore. I realize that’s my own personal story, and it’s very different watching this kind of representation on television, but I often wonder how different things could’ve been if she had taken a different path or if things had not gone down the way they did. It’s like she was looking for connection out of loneliness and sadness and grief and got sucked into a cult.

As for Wyatt, I kind of wonder the same thing. Who could he have been instead of who he is? His future at that time wasn’t set in stone. And this drug has essentially taken him back to who he was before he was radicalized. I think the romantic set up with Rosa is obvious and even though it kinda makes me cringe at this point in time, I’m prepared for it. (Also props to Dylan for genuinely being a completely different person, Wyatt’s entire demeanor, body language, even face has changed and I’m like how). I also think that at some point, Wyatt is going to regain his memories and that is when we are going to see if he has truly changed. And if he tries to make up for his past wrongdoings. I think he’s going to remember who he is and the things that he has done and the things that he has believed and he will be tested. And then we will see.

The other thing I find to be really compelling about this story is that it parallels Rosa’s own journey. Obviously, the circumstances are very different even if they are related to one another. But in many ways it’s the same thing. Rosa lost 10 years of her life. She woke up the same person that she was right after she had graduated high school. And who knows where she would have been now if she hadn’t died then the way she did. She could have ODed. She could be in jail. Or she could’ve done what she has since she came back- gotten help, got sober, worked on her mental health, and is in a different place now. But there’s a really good chance that wouldn’t have happened. She was on a really destructive path at the time. When Rosa came back, she realized that she had a second chance to do things right. And I think she sees that in Wyatt as well. Rosa relates to what Wyatt is going through because she felt that same kind of shock and confusion when she woke up. I also think that she has some kind of feelings for him or at least did in high school and she wants to help him. She could be wrong that he could change, because she has been absent most of this time, but I think she feels like maybe he’s not too far gone. That maybe it’s still possible that he could change. And I definitely think that a huge amount of that has to do with herself. She relates to what is happening to Wyatt right now with what happened to her. And honestly I am kind of excited to see where it goes.

#roswell new mexico #rosa ortecho #wyatt long #rnm discourse #kinda I know it’s controversial to talk about #meta

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journalxxx · 3 years

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By Hook or by Crook (5)

“What do you make of all this?” Toshinori asked, when they were finally alone. They’d momentarily parked the kid in the hallway with a cup of tea while the hero had followed Tsukauchi in his office as he took care of the last bureaucratic dregs of the questioning.

“As I see it, there are two major possibilities we ought to consider.” Tsukauchi said without taking his eyes off the monitor of his computer. “The first is that Midoriya’s quirk is just a mutation, and he is in no way related to All For One. His father is likely a government official whose position grants him knowledge of enough confidential files to make him fear negative repercussions in case his son’s quirk was publicly known, and has therefore enforced silence on the matter. We aren’t looking at any outstanding crimes here, although this man isn’t going to win any Parent of the Year awards any time soon.”

Toshinori grimaced. Wouldn’t that be nice? “And what are the odds of this being our case?”

“I wouldn’t bet my next paycheck on it, for sure.” Tsukauchi typed something on the keyboard, and checked his phone at the same time, before sighing and leaning back in his chair. “The other possibility is that Midoriya is indeed related to All For One, maybe even his son. He’s been fostered to a trusted associate of his and kept in the dark about everything.”

That option could be more statistically or genetically likely, but it still didn’t sit right with Toshinori. “That doesn’t sound like something All For One would do though. Why not raise him as a successor, or even just an underling? Surely another All For One wielder would have made for an important asset to his schemes.”

“You forget that Midoriya’s quirk manifested only two years ago. It is possible that All For One may have planned to do so, but lost interest when the child was deemed quirkless.” Tsukauchi scratched his head pensively. “As for why he didn’t keep the kid close since his birth… we can only assume it was out of caution. Fourteen years ago you had already put a significant dent in All For One’s syndicate and influence. Maybe he was already taking precautions against his own downfall, and didn’t want his potential successor to be involved in case things took a turn for the worse too quickly.”

“... I guess that makes sense.” Toshinori nodded. As per habit, he sent a quiet thanks to his lucky star for accidentally baring his secret to a damnably honest and capable member of the force such as Tsukauchi, God knew Toshinori himself wasn’t exactly cut out for fine deductive work. “In this case, the boy’s father…”

“...Is a former subordinate of All For One’s currently employed by the government, yes. Not a pleasant scenario to work with.” Tsukauchi waited for the printer to regurgitate a disproportionate stack of documents that made Toshinori instinctively recoil. The detective flipped through the paperwork quickly before sprinkling his signature on just about every odd sheet. “Regardless of which of the two hypotheses is true, I definitely want to look into this Hisashi Midoriya. He is by far the most suspicious aspect of the boy’s account.”

“Yeah. He doesn’t visit his family for a decade and a half, he doesn’t talk about his job, he doesn’t follow basic legal procedures, and you can tell he had more of an active role in encouraging Midoriya to hide the quirk than the kid lets on... It doesn’t exactly paint a reassuring picture.” Toshinori sighed. “This isn’t going to be easy for the boy…”

“It never is, when a family member is involved in criminal activities. But the fact that their relationship seems rather distant may make things a little less traumatic for him.” Tsukauchi checked his watch as he tidied up some stationery and turned off his computer. “Well, I guess I’m not too unforgivably late for my other meeting since we don’t have to question Mrs. Midoriya.”

“...Sorry about that. And for springing this on you all of a sudden.” Toshinori said with an apologetic grimace and his utmost sincerity. “You’re a saint.”

Tsukauchi’s small smile implied that he was well aware of the fact. “I’ll drive Midoriya home while I’m on my way to the city hall. Do you need a lift? Or do you want me to let you on the rooftop for a smoke?” That bit of code speak would never not be tragically ironic, Toshinori thought.

“No, I’ve already finished my shift for the day.” All three, scant, scattered hours of it. Japan’s finest, most dependable hero, ladies and gentlemen.

“Then thank you for your hard work.” His friend gave him a quick look and a brief, firm squeeze to his shoulder before heading to the door. No pity, no unrequested sympathy, no disingenuous praise, just straightforward respect and understanding. He really was one of a kind.

Midoriya was exactly where they’d left him, busy fiddling with his phone. He perked up when he saw them return. “Uh, my mother just texted me back. She says she’ll be home in about an hour. If you still want to talk to her.”

Tsukauchi hesitated. “It’s a little too late for me, I’m afraid. I’m expected somewhere else, but…”

“I can wait.“ Toshinori immediately volunteered. “It won’t be as thorough or official as if you interviewed her yourself, but if it can lighten your workload just a little…”

“...Well, I don’t see why not. Hop in the car with us then.”

The return trip was silent. Toshinori glanced at Midoriya a couple of times from the rearview mirror, and he always caught him in an ill-concealed state of unrest. Fidgeting with his phone, picking at the seatbelt, gazing nervously out of both car windows. Toshinori didn’t like that. Why all that agitation, now that the worst of the ordeal was supposedly over?

The boy eventually locked eyes with him. “...Oh. Uhm.”

“Something on your mind?” Toshinori asked.

“Uh, well, I was wondering…” His gaze dropped to his knees. “Are you going to tell my mother about my quirk?”

“I’m afraid so. She is bound to find out anyway, eventually. The police will issue an update on your quirk registration, as per the norm in such cases.”

“...Ah.” Oh boy, now he looked like a kicked puppy. That was just depressing.

“I don’t necessarily have to be the one to break the news to her though. If it makes you feel any better, you can tell her about the incident in your own words.” Toshinori offered, hoping to soften the blow.

“I… I think I would prefer that. Thank you.” The boy quietly acquiesced.

Tsukauchi shot Toshinori a pointed look. All right, maybe that wasn’t the most proper way to go about it, maybe standard procedure demanded the officer in charge to keep mother and son separate during the questioning and explain things personally in the most objective possible terms. But Toshinori wasn’t an officer, he was a washed-up alter-ego of the Symbol of Peace acting in semi-official consulting capacity, and he’d be damned if he didn’t try to make things a little less humiliating for the forlorn child in the back. He condensed that whole argument into a meaningful glance of his own, that Tsukauchi couldn’t hold for more than two seconds lest he drove them all straight into the back of a truck. Toshinori took that as unspoken permission to proceed as he saw fit.

“I’ll be leaving this in your capable hands then.” Tsukauchi said as the two stepped out of the car. The man had a veritable talent for conveying irony while maintaining the straightest of faces and the driest of tones.

“Your trust is deeply appreciated. Drive safely!” Toshinori shut the door of the car decisively and waved him off with a dazzling smile.

“Uhm. Okay.” Midoriya said, his eyes darting between the hero and the speeding car with obvious perplexity. “Mom won’t be here for at least another forty minutes. I can fetch that photo you wanted in the meantime. I think I know where it is… probably...”

“I’ll take you up on that, thank you.” Toshinori followed him across the parking lot and up the stairs of the apartment complex. The boy’s eagerness to please was a sight for sore eyes in this cold, self-serving world. “You really did something commendable today, you know? Not many people would be so ready to relieve the pain of those who hurt them. That villain owes you more than he’ll ever know.”

“Oh…” The boy fiddled with his keys as a light redness tinged his cheeks. “It’s nothing, really. It isn’t my place to judge anyone... let alone steal from them. I just hope he’ll get better soon.”

“I’ll keep you up to date on his condition, if you want.”

“Oh, you don’t need to! It’s fine!” Midoriya’s instinctual politeness clashed against Toshinori’s no-nonsense availability. It was a fierce battle, but one didn’t become the number one hero without developing a certain skill in staring people into reasonableness. Midoriya surrendered with a small smile. “...I-It would put my mind at ease though.”

“Then I shall.” Toshinori claimed with finality. “Honestly, I wish I could have done more today for you and Tsukauchi. You two took care of all the heavy lifting and data collecting while I just stood around doing nothing the whole time.”

“You did, didn't you…?” Toshinori’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. Well, he hadn’t been expecting that candid a confirmation of his uselessness. Midoriya flinched and started flailing about in obvious distress as soon as he realized he’d voiced that thought aloud. “N-No! I mean- I don’t mean that you were- What I’m saying is that you didn’t really need to come. But you did anyway! F-For my sake, I get that. Because you promised you’d help me out, even if you surely have better things to do with your time, and… I truly appreciate it. Really.”

Toshinori laughed softly. Yes, ‘truly appreciative’ was indeed the boy’s default mood whenever he was graced with the barest amount of consideration, as far as the hero had witnessed in their short acquaintance. He didn’t think it was some sort of hero-worship-related response either, the kid just seemed that sensitive to it. “Don’t worry about it. It’s part of the job.”

“Is it?” Midoriya finally opened the door and they stepped inside. He let out a small chuckle of his own as they removed their shoes. “I guess I have new insight to add to the online speculation about All Might’s decreasing workload. I guess it is to be expected if yo- if he’s taken to follow up on all his cases so thoroughly.”

Toshinori had to fight back a traitorous cough. “W-well, there is really no need for me to overexert myself nowadays as I used to do in the past.“ He started, automatically supplying his PR-certified response to any inquiry on the topic. Goodness, people really did notice, didn’t they? It was hardly a new concern, but still… “The crime rate has been decreasing steadily, and the industry is so saturated with heroes that there’s someone ready to intervene almost at any place and at any given time. And those heroes could use the money and exposure way more than me…” Toshinori trailed off as they made their way to the living room. The boy was regarding him with unnerving attention, as if memorizing his speech word for word. “There are other reasons too, of course…”

Midoriya cocked his head to the side curiously, expecting further elaboration. Then it clicked, and he fleetingly glanced at the hero from head to toe with open contrition. “O-Oh! Of course! Your… Sorry, I forgot.”

That simple sentence confused Toshinori so much that he couldn’t help but gape back. The silence grew very awkward very quickly. “...Uhm. So, that photo of yours?”

“R-Right! I’ll go look for it! Make yourself comfortable! Be right back!” The boy bolted fast enough to leave metaphorical dust clouds behind him.

Toshinori wandered to the nearest chair with small steps. He forgot. That was quite the feat, while literally standing in front of the sad, wrecked husk that Toshinori had become. Or maybe the kid hadn’t realized that his appearance was a relatively recent development. That seemed more likely. Perhaps he had interpreted his vague answer about his quirk to mean that the number one hero had always been just that, a sickly, overachieving twig in a bodysuit keeping his own skeleton in the closet for nearly forty years.

Toshinori let out a sigh. Quite the uplifting impression he was leaving with this young one.

His circling thoughts were interrupted by a yelp, and the thundering noise of some heavy objects crashing just outside the living room.

“Midoriya?” Toshinori called, jumping to his feet. The second unanswered call had him by the source of the noise in a moment.

“I’m here! I’m fine!” Midoriya’s voice finally answered, from behind a half-closed door conspicuously marked as ‘Izuku’ by a familiar blond-banged nameplate.

“What was that?”

“Just… some stuff that fell down...” Toshinori approached it and peeked inside. Even from his limited perspective, he could see the boy sitting on the floor and rubbing his forehead, next to a tipped-over chair.

“And did that stuff happen to include you?” Toshinori deadpanned, inviting himself in... and pausing on the threshold. Taking in the interior of the boy’s bedroom. Which wasn’t the priority right now. He willed himself to ignore the star-spangled elephant in the room assaulting his senses and knelt down beside Midoriya, gently peeling his hand away from the sore spot. “Are you hurt?”

“No, no, it’s just a bump.”

“You should put some ice on it.” There were no cuts or outer signs or damage, which was a good start. Toshinori’s eyes fell on the bottom half of the toppled piece of furniture beside them. “...Did you seriously try to climb on a rolling chair?”

“I do that all the time. It’s steadier than it looks!” There was no appropriate reply to such a claim, but Toshinori’s judgemental glare was enough to make the boy squirm. “I’m fine, really-”

“Ice.” He pointed sternly at the corridor. Maybe there was still a minimal chance of preventing an oversized lump on Midoriya’s forehead from outing to Tsukauchi and other responsible adults the fact the boy had nearly cracked his skull within five minutes of being left in Toshinori’s charge.

“All right. Just a second.” Toshinori kept an eye on the kid, making sure he wasn’t struggling to keep his balance, as he made his way out of the room. Room that Toshinori was now free to observe in all its embarrassing magnificence.

A soft All Might carpet. All Might-themed bedding. Walls plastered with All Might posters. All Might-patterned curtains. Shelves and shelves and shelves of All Might action figures and books.

It was always… humbling to be reminded of how much passion and care people from so many different walks of life could put in something as trivial as collecting hero merchandise - his hero merchandise, more often than not. Popularity and revenue were Toshinori’s very last priorities when it came to his job, but, despite merchandising being exactly about those, he wasn’t opposed to the practice in principle. It did help cement the reassuring image of the Symbol of Peace in the collective mind, which was definitely one of his lifetime goals. It brought a sizable influx of wealth to the agency’s treasury, which he largely redirected to charity and assorted emergency relief funds. It did seem to spark genuine joy and entertainment in both children and adults. And, when none of these arguments were enough to wash away the vague sense of guilt that came with profiting off the love and admiration of Japan’s fine citizens, Toshinori reminded himself that there were much worse, self-destructive indulgences people could waste their savings on. Alcohol. Tobacco. Drugs. Troll 2 DVDs. The like.

Midoriya reappeared nursing an ice pack against his temple. “Sorry about that. The photo should be in one of those boxes.” He gestured towards the wardrobe that sported a brown cardboard box on the top, and then towards the floor, where its twin lay sideways after a presumably rough landing. They cut through the tape of the latter and, after Midoriya emphatically assured him that he didn’t mind him browsing through his personal belongings in the slightest, Toshinori joined the kid on the carpet in their quest for the photographic Holy Grail.

“I probably slipped it inside one of these…” The boy said, pulling out small piles of notebooks and publications. Toshinori confined his perusal to dated magazines, comics and books that didn’t seem likely to invade Midoriya’s privacy. The first box yielded no result.

“Maybe it’s in that one. Let me get another chair- oh.” Toshinori only needed to raise his arms and strain slightly on his toes to comfortably reach the top of the wardrobe and retrieve the second- crap, that was heavy. How the kid planned to pull it down himself while standing on wheels was beyond him. “Thank you.”

Toshinori was sitting cross-legged and flipping through an old gossip magazine lavishing pages and pages of speculation on the meager information they had managed to scrape together on his association with Dave - ah, those were the days… - when Midoriya finally let out a triumphant Aha!

“Found it!” He regarded his prize with joy, but his expression quickly morphed into concentration and then confusion. Toshinori held out his hand expectantly, and the boy deposited the photo into it while indicating a specific spot. “It’s, uh… my father’s this one.”

Toshinori looked at the man in question.

And froze.

“He doesn’t…” He heard the boy say distantly, as if from kilometres away. “He looks… a bit different from the picture in the police file…”

Toshinori coughed. He was different, all right. Subtly, cunningly so. Both men had short, snow-white hair, both had relatively plain features and pale complexion, both had faintly-colored eyes that could pass as blue under the right light. They were similar enough that they could be mistaken for one another, when described verbally. But the man in Tsukauchi’s file was a stranger to Toshinori. The man in this photo wasn’t.

“This-” The hero managed, between small bursts of coughs that he couldn’t restrain. “This is the man that- told you to keep quiet about your quirk-”

“Y-Yes.” Midoriya was gawking at him with obvious concern, and it only got worse when the hero’s words sank in. “I-I mean, he didn’t- he just- we sort of agreed that-”

“And the-” Toshinori covered his mouth with his hand, already tasting iron on his tongue as he patted his trousers to find some tissues. “The last time you spoke to him was…?”

“A little less than a month ago.”

Something inside Toshinori just gave up on trying to hold it together. He erupted into a brutal fit, vicious enough to shake his whole body and squeeze his eyes shut. He heard the boy asking something in alarm, and he felt warm blood trickling down his chin before he finally got ahold of a handkerchief to press against his lips. He hacked and spluttered for an interminable minute, his throat and chest tight and sore from the effort. Eventually it died down, and he found himself hunched over and bracing himself against the floor, wheezing and struggling for breath as something shuffled beside him. He turned to check on the noise, and saw Midoriya tapping on his phone.

“Don’t.” Toshinori rasped, swallowing down the remaining blood coating his mouth and reaching out to gesture at him dismissively with his clean hand. “I’m fine.”

“N-no, you aren’t.” The kid looked on the verge of fainting himself. Toshinori followed his horrified gaze, only to notice he’d sprayed plenty of little crimson stains on both the photo and the carpet, not to mention his own clothes. Damn, that was a mess even by his standards. “B-But- it’s okay, I’ll call an-”

Toshinori unceremoniously plucked the phone from Midoriya’s grasp, made sure that he hadn’t dialed any number, and tossed it on his bed. No need to make the situation even more headache-inducing than it already was. “I mean it. It happens. Don’t worry.”

Toshinori cleared his throat as he contemplated the ruined piece of evidence anew. At least he hadn’t marred the spot containing ‘Hisashi Midoriya’. Despite the less than optimal angle, there could really be no doubt. There was no mistaking that face for anyone else’s, it had been seared in Toshinori’s mind by more than three decades of pain and regret.

...Shit.

Shit.

Toshinori collected the picture from the floor and stood up to drop it on the kid’s desk, where it sat innocently surrounded by dozens of pieces of licensed All Might memorabilia.

“...So this is your father, and he’s alive and well.” He stated it aloud and with scorn, because he felt it was important for the universe to hear that its sense of humor didn’t fly with everyone.

“Ehr. Yes. Do you-”

“All right. Okay. Fine.” Toshinori turned on his heels and headed for the door. “Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.”

“...To your doctor?” Midoriya asked apprehensively, visibly starting to doubt the hero’s mental as well as physical well-being.

“No.” He almost stamped a huge, bloody handprint on his slacks before remembering that he still looked like he’d just slaughtered a pig and devoured it raw. “Can I use the bathroom?”

“Second door on the left.” The boy muttered, too stunned by now to object to any of Toshinori’s tangents.

Toshinori washed his face, neck and hands, and rinsed his mouth. He decided he couldn’t bother to do anything about the state of his clothes. He took care of scrubbing the sink too once he was done, making sure he didn’t accidentally leave any red smears on it. He dried his hands and fetched his phone.

“Tsukauchi? Sorry, can you make it back to Midoriya’s house? Yes, as soon as you can. ...No, but we found that photo. You need to see it, it’s… it’s him.”

He closed the call and stared at his reflection on the mirror. His brain didn’t produce a single coherent thought. He walked back to the kid’s room.

Midoriya was peering at the picture intently, even though he hadn’t moved it from where Toshinori had left it. The man’s eyes fell on the scattered blots on the carpet. In his experience, there wasn’t much hope of removing them completely, but it seemed rude not to try, at least. “Got any cleaning supplies?”

Midoriya blinked at him owlishly. “In the bathroom. Under the sink.”

One short trip later, Toshinori was back with paper towels and rubbing alcohol. He waved the boy off when he made to kneel down beside him to help. He handed him the ice pack that lay forgotten on the floor, and the kid pressed it back on his forehead mechanically as he sat on his bed. Toshinori could benefit from only a couple of minutes of silence before Midoriya spoke.

“You know him.”

“...Yes.”

“You’re upset.”

Toshinori wondered if it showed on his face, or if it was just an educated guess based on the half-baked spontaneous hemorrhage he’d just displayed. He didn’t reply, his attention ostensibly focused on dabbing lightly at each smudge.

“Why…” The boy’s voice faltered. “W-Why is there a photo of another man in the police records?”

Toshinori couldn’t hold back a deep exhale. He wasn’t sure he was the most qualified person to have this conversation with the boy. He surely wasn’t the most eager to.

“All Might.” He felt compelled to raise his gaze. Midoriya was pale, his eyes wide and shiny with unshed tears. His expression was heartbreakingly imploring. “Please.”

He was going to find out anyway, at least the bare bones of it. Kindness was one thing, cowardice was another. Denying him an answer at this point felt more like the latter.

“I know him because he is known to the police. He’s a villain.”

“...A villain…?” The information bounced right against Midoriya’s shock. Toshinori gave him a curt nod. “No… no, that’s… not…”

Toshinori could track the gradual, painstaking process of acceptance the poor kid was going through from the aborted expressions quickly blurring into each other. Horror, fear, confusion, disbelief. Tears rolled down his cheeks, and he clamped a hand over his mouth to stifle a sob.

“A-Are you sure?”

Toshinori hesitated. Was there any other possibility they weren’t considering? “Are you absolutely certain that that’s the person you’ve been talking to?”

“I… I’ve never met him in person. B-But mom has, and she’s been talking to him too. She said it’s him.”

“...Then I’m afraid there can be no mistake.” It felt like dropping a boulder on the child’s chest, and the way Midoriya crumpled onto himself, cradling his head in both his hands, reinforced that gut-churning impression. Toshinori made no effort to conceal the sympathy in his whisper. “I’m sorry, kid.”

“H-He said…” The rest of that thought was swallowed into distraught silence.

“He told you he worked for the government?”

Midoriya took his time to answer, and he did so with a half-choked snort. “He… he never did, actually. I thought… He said things that… made me think…”

Toshinori grit his teeth. Figures. That silver-tongued demon wouldn’t spare even a child from his precious little mind games. “I can imagine.”

The silence that followed was only broken by the boy’s quiet sniffles, and it was so long that Toshinori believed the kid to have exhausted his reserve of bravery for further questions. He’d resumed his ill-concealed procrastination via blood-cleaning when the next inquiry dropped.

“What did he do?”

Oh, man. What didn’t he do? “He’s been involved in a variety of criminal activities, both directly and indirectly. He’s… quite the nasty customer.”

“Since when? How long for?” Midoriya gripped his head even more tightly, his fingers digging deep among his curls.

Toshinori had the distinct feeling that his well-meaning honesty was now trespassing into inadvertent cruelty. “We should wait for your mother before discussing this any-”

“Please.” Midoriya’s head snapped up, and the weight and emotion of those emerald eyes pierced through him like a blade. “Please, just tell me.”

Fourteen years of lies. Toshinori couldn’t bear to add even one more to the heap. “...Since long before you were born.”

Midoriya’s head dropped anew. Toshinori got back on his feet, unsure whether a kind word or a pat on the head could possibly ease that burden even slightly-

The ring of the doorbell made them both flinch, bursting that odd bubble of private desolation that had enveloped the boy’s room. They made their way out of the room, Midoriya quietly trailing behind the hero as the man opened the front door.

Tsukauchi opened his mouth to greet them, and froze. His eyes immediately homed in on the blood liberally splattered on Toshinori’s clothes, and on the melted ice pack Midoriya was still absently pressing to his temple.

“...What happened?”

Inko Midoriya had the same dark green hair as her son, styled in a way that made something inside Toshinori’s chest ache with nostalgia and familiarity. She had the countenance of a demure, quiet, respectable housewife that valued stability and her loved ones’ well-being above all, and would never even conceive of starting a family with anyone any less sensible than she was.

That was why Toshinori was thrown for a loop when, upon being informed that her absentee husband was a criminal, she simply closed her eyes and bowed her head with a sigh and a resigned “...Yes, I am aware.”

Toshinori let Tsukauchi lead the questioning, as usual. Inko had met ‘Hisashi Midoriya’ (under a different alias, at the time) when she was twenty-six, working as a secretary at the main branch of Detnerat. The man had been introduced to her as a representative from another support item company doing some preliminary checks on Detnerat for a potential merger.

This was unusual, but not exceedingly so. In the nearly thirty years he’d spent meticulously dismantling All For One’s organization, Toshinori had gathered evidence of him personally handling certain aspects of his schemes with surprising regularity, even relatively minor tasks or dirty deeds that could easily and safely be entrusted to his subordinates. He hardly ever found any specific reasons for All For One’s direct involvement. Toshinori strongly suspected that the bastard simply didn’t enjoy the lifestyle of the cooped-up, invisible puppeteer, and sometimes just felt like wrecking some havoc with his own diabolical hands.

Inko had been charged with supplying him with quite a sizable amount of rather sensitive data, but since the CEO in person had given the authorization, she had performed her task diligently and unsuspectingly.

Now, Toshinori had been expecting the worst to emerge while questioning the circumstances that had led Inko Midoriya to her current marital status. Without exaggerating, the very worst. Any sort of revolting account of manipulation, coercion, even human experimentation, there was no low All For One wouldn’t stoop to. They had confined the boy to his room before starting for that exact reason.

But apparently the universe wasn’t done throwing curve balls at Toshinori that day, and what they’d gotten instead was the succinct description of what seemed to be, by all accounts, a perfectly ordinary and unassuming workplace romance. One instigated mainly by Inko herself, no less. Toshinori’s strained mind didn’t quite know what to make of that baffling information, so it promptly repressed it.

“We didn’t keep seeing each other after he stopped coming to the company, but I did reach out to him when I found out I was pregnant. That was when I became aware that there was much I didn’t know about him.”

“How so?”

“He told me.” Inko replied simply. “He was... forward about it, in a way. He said that he couldn’t settle down in any given place, nor spare the time for being part of a family. He offered to let me join him in his activities, but… the way he worded it made it clear that he wasn’t talking of any sort of legal business.”

“Did he mention any details about what his ‘business’ entailed, in general or in that specific time frame?”

“No, not at all. But considering how we met, I assume he must be involved in industrial espionage.” Grief, brief but intense, shadowed on the woman’s features for a moment. “I… I resigned from Detnerat as soon as I found out. He had been asking rather sensitive questions about the inner workings of the company, and… even though I never technically shared confidential information, I felt like I had exposed it to too great a danger because of my irresponsible conduct. And, honestly… I was afraid of what could emerge if I kept working there in my condition.”

Toshinori rubbed his hands in his lap uncomfortably. No job, a son on the way, a presumably disreputable partner to deal with… What a wretched situation to find oneself in.

“You said he offered you to join him? In what way, exactly?” Tsukauchi asked from above the pages and pages of notes filling his notepad.

“...I am not sure. I didn’t ask, I had no intention of getting caught in that sort of environment. Nor did I want Izuku to grow up embroiled in dubious activities from an early age.” Inko’s brows furrowed, and her fist clenched slightly. “...I didn’t want him to feel abandoned either though. I didn’t want him to grow thinking his father had deserted him. I asked Hisashi to grant us that, at least. Financial support and the decency to call, once in a while.”

Toshinori couldn’t hold back a sharp cough at that. Inko regarded him with a mix of concern and suspicion.

He couldn’t blame her for it. He had accidentally caused her a fair share of grief when, her son having forgotten to warn her to expect guests upon her return, she’d opened the front door and found a freakishly tall, gaunt, haunted-looking, bloodied stranger looming in her hallway. Toshinori had waited in a conveniently secluded corner of the living room, trying to make himself look as small and non-threatening as possible, while Tsukauchi delivered the proper introductions and deflected the few concerned neighbors her terrified scream had attracted. Not exactly brilliant, as first impressions went.

“And he agreed to that?” Toshinori croaked.

“Yes. I was expecting some resistance, but… he agreed almost immediately.”

Toshinori gaped at the remissive-looking, soft-spoken woman who had once been capable of browbeating All For One into exercising a modicum of fatherly commitment. This whole Midoriya case was getting more and more unbelievable by the hour.

Tsukauchi cleared his throat pointedly. Toshinori scraped back together what little dignity he had left and tried to soldier on.

“Please continue, Mrs. Midoriya.” The detective encouraged.

“There isn’t much else to say, I think. I didn’t hear from him for months after that. I contacted him a few days after Izuku was born, and we’ve kept in touch ever since.”

Tsukauchi tapped his chin with his pen for a few moments, his expression deeply focussed. Then he looked Inko straight in the eye.

“You are being… unexpectedly forthcoming about all this, if I may.”

Inko let out a deep sigh. “I was never under the impression that we could escape the consequences of Hisashi’s actions forever. As soon as Izuku was born, I decided that I would never subject myself or my son to undue duresses just to keep my husband’s secrets. I told Hisashi as much as well.”

Toshinori had to stifle another wet cough with his handkerchief. How on earth was this woman still alive?

“And he had no qualms about this declaration?”

“No. It rather amused him, actually. He said that any mother worth her salt would put her offspring’s safety above that of their parents. And… something about natural selection and survival of the fittest…” Inko’s eyes flickered upwards briefly, like those of a very normal wife exasperated by the very normal idiosyncrasies of her very normal husband. “He does go off on such tangents.”

“So you aren’t concerned about any possible retaliations on your husband’s part because of your cooperation with us?”

“Oh!” Her eyes went wide, almost shocked by the mere suggestion. “Oh no, I really don’t think he’d be capable of something like that.”

Oh, how very wrong she was. Toshinori frowned, admittedly perturbed by the level of trust All For One had managed to establish within the family without ever even deigning to step in their household. Precautions would have to be taken to protect the Midoriyas from the tragic fate that usually befell all those who were deemed traitors by the Symbol of Fear.

More and more questions followed. With his habitual thoroughness, Tsukauchi pursued a multitude of topics and leads that hadn’t even occurred to Toshinori, at least not so readily. Timing and means of communications, occasional postal deliveries to and from the family, details about the sums of money regularly deposited in the family’s account, and so forth. Toshinori was rather out of his depth here, but he tried his best to help Tsukauchi sort through the reams of documents, receipts, records, and diverse paperwork Inko produced at the detective’s request. By the time Tsukauchi declared to be satisfied with his preliminary inquiries, he had earned himself two plastic bags bursting with evidence, and Toshinori had developed a burgeoning migraine.

As they finally made their way to the entrance, Toshinori glanced at the door to Midoriya’s bedroom. Amidst that cascade of new revelations, they’d barely touched upon the topic of the villain attack and of Midoriya’s quirk with his mother. Toshinori felt genuinely sorry for the difficult conversations that were sure to follow between those two.

He hadn’t realized how late it’d gotten until he stepped outside the Midoriyas’ apartment. Sunset had come and gone, and the lampposts and the bright squares of the neighbors’ windows were the only sources of light in the moonless night of that unassuming residential area. As the door closed behind his back, squeezing into nothingness the rectangular glow framing him and Tsukauchi, Toshinori felt the darkness weigh on his shoulders and seep in his bones almost physically.

He felt, suddenly, extremely tired.

“I’ll drive you home.” Tsukauchi’s wasn’t an offer, so Toshinori didn’t refuse.

“Thank you.”

They walked to the car as his friend made a couple of quick calls to instruct some agents to watch the house until the next morning. The fresh night air would have felt like a small bliss to Toshinori on any other day, but in that moment it only rattled whatever unpleasant manifestation of his unease had lodged itself in his lung earlier that afternoon and hadn’t left since. He coughed a few times in his fist, then a few more on purpose to make sure he got most of the discomfort in his throat out of his system before he settled in the passenger’s seat.

The drive was quiet. Toshinori gazed absently out of the window, letting the new awareness sink in his mind like a stone in a pond. All For One was alive. All For One was still alive, somehow. Toshinori couldn’t fathom how. They had never retrieved the body, that was true, but there was precious little they had managed to retrieve from the location of their fight back then. It was nothing short of a miracle they’d found Toshinori himself quickly enough to lend medical assistance. The only reason why they’d been able to keep the public from learning of the accident was because it hadn’t happened on the mainland, and the tiny, uninhabited island that hosted it had all but been wiped from the maps. That his foe may have survived that disaster, considering the damage he’d sustained, was almost inconceivable. Toshinori was pretty sure he’d actually caught a glimpse of the man’s exposed brain after landing the last-

“Are you all right?” Tsukauchi asked quietly.

The corner of Toshinori’s mouth twitched upwards. “I’m never going to defy New Year’s fortunes again. Moving away from Tokyo was a terrible idea.”

“This is a good thing. If you hadn’t, All For One would still be out there, and we’d be none the wiser.”

Hell. Five years. For five years they’d been none the wiser. How much strength had All For One regained in five years, while Toshinori’s own slowly went down the drain? How much of his criminal network had he managed to rebuild? How many unnoticed, unreported atrocities had he been plotting and executing, unbeknownst to all? The mere notion made Toshinori’s skin crawl.

But Tsukauchi had the right idea, there was no point in brooding over the current situation. Things could have turned out a lot worse. If Toshinori had already chosen a successor and exhausted One For All’s embers, by now he’d be powerless and useless, and the burden of facing his revived nemesis would have fallen entirely on the new, inexperienced wielder. That truly would have been a worst-case scenario. But as things stood, he could still rely on his quirk for a decent amount of time. He could still tie this dreadful loose end himself before passing the torch, and he’d spare no effort in the endeavor. He’d pursue the monster to the ends of the Earth if he had to, even if it meant wearing himself down to nothing for the rest of his life.

Or meeting his gruesome, bitter end in the process.

Toshinori shivered.

“So,” he heard himself say, “where do we go from here?”

Tsukauchi gave him a stern, silent scrutiny, then he told him.

#my hero academia #boku no hero academia #All Might #Toshinori Yagi #Naomasa Tsukauchi #deku #izuku midoriya #inko midoriya

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yourfavisirredeemable · 4 years

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souyo angst - post-true ending

y’all the souyo tag has been more active than I’ve seen it in a long time (I think cause of the PC release) which makes me happier than I can measure. I’ve loved persona 4 ever since 8th grade and souyo really is my favorite ship of all time. in celebration, here’s a bunch of angst headcanons I’ve been holding onto for 5 years, specifically related to the izanami battle/true ending. (they’re actually not necessarily souyo-specific, but since I ship souyo they kinda have that overall vibe)

- do y’all really think yu narukami is just gonna come away from that battle with izanami/being trapped in a time loop illusion for an untold period of time and NOT bring any trauma with him? cause I don’t

- specifically, he can’t get rid of a horrible, nagging thought that follows him even after the IT celebrates their victory - what if this is all still part of izanami’s illusion? izanami could have just nested an illusion inside of an illusion, and that way, she can defeat him without him even knowing it

- which would mean, of course, that his friends are all still dead and he’s just living it up with a bunch of illusions. his friends sacrificed themselves for him, while he gets to live out his summer days in peace surrounded by a perfect simulation.

- that thought is terrifying to him, and it only grows over time. there’s the horror of nothing being real and his friends being dead, compounded with the guilt of having abandoned them and the helplessness of never being able to know the truth. he has the cold realization one night that he’ll never again know for certain that the world he’s living in is the real one.

- but he tries to keep it to himself and act like he normally does. after all, if he can’t ever know for sure, why worry about it? this world is probably the real one - his friends seem normal, time keeps flowing like it usually does, and even the velvet room seems the same as it was before

- as hard as he tries, his doubts and fears are really impacting his mental health, which eventually affects the way he acts. it’s subtle, but the others eventually notice it - yosuke does first, since he knows yu the best.

- he notices that whenever there’s a silence, yu will stare off into space with a strained and even slightly fearful expression. he’s worried, but he just tries to be there for his partner like normal, figuring he’ll talk to him if he needs someone to rely on

- rise notices the dark circles under his eyes and asks about them, to which yu nonchalantly responds that his part time work keeps him a little busy. chie notices that he doesn’t seem to have as much fun when they work out or watch movies, and yukiko notices the way he starts withdrawing from conversations until he’s standing at the edge of the group, even quieter than normal.

- teddie and kanji don’t notice anything on their own, but eventually those who have started to get worried bring it up with the rest of the group. naoto, of course, has noticed everything, but nothing in yu’s behavior has indicated it’s anything worse than blues about leaving inaba or stress from work

- yu, for his part, realizes that his friends probably know something’s up, but every day he feels less and less motivated to tell them what’s actually wrong. after all, what would he even say - I’m afraid all of you are illusions, and my real friends are already dead?

- plus, there’s the fact that saying his fears out loud would somehow make them feel more real. so instead, he tries to ignore them, and only spirals more

- he starts feeling really scared when he finds himself having the occasional violent thought toward his own friends - if the real yosuke’s dead, why should this illusion get to live? how dare an illusion pretend to be his best friend?

(more specific headcanons/fic ideas under the cut)

- imo, the possibilities for this headcanon are endless. you can take your hurt/comfort as far as you want it to go (personally, I love projecting my mental illness onto fictional characters so full depression/anxiety is definitely on the table), and the timeframe means any fics could be set either before or after he leaves inaba

- personally, I think it could be interesting if he returns to the TV world, perhaps to look for answers or just to blow off some steam, and finds out his shadow’s gotten loose again. which would ofc mean that now he’s trapped in the TV world with no persona, a shadow that for sure wants to kill him, and a dungeon of his own forming around him

- (btw, I know the TV world changes after the fight with izanami, but I think since it still exists and the IT still has personas, they can still have shadows as well)

- this would be an interesting way for the IT to find out what’s really been happening. they would notice yu missing and eventually check the TV world, whereupon they would find an entire dungeon and see yu’s shadow for the first time.

- the dungeon, I think, would have a lot of different elements - recurring rooms from dojima’s house to represent the time loop he was trapped in, an origami version of inaba to represent how everything seems fake, etc.

- as for his shadow, since I love to go full angst, I think it would be absolutely vicious. it represents the nagging belief that everything’s fake, his hatred toward himself for “abandoning” his friends and living a happy lie, and his hatred toward the IT for being illusions meant to replace his dead friends

- as a result, it would try to kill yu almost immediately after manifesting and attack the IT on sight. this would be particularly devastating for yosuke - he only found out that saki hated him (x to doubt, I’m still not convinced she actually didn’t like him but that’s another post) through her shadow, so being immediately attacked by yu’s shadow would be heartbreaking

- yu’s shadow wouldn’t feel any need to explain itself to an illusion, so it would just silently and violently attack him with a look of pure hatred. which would be a confirmation of his worst fear, that yu secretly doesn’t think of him as a partner or an equal, and in fact doesn’t even think of him as a friend.

- but of course he would soldier on, determined to save yu even in light of his “true” feelings. the rest of the IT would also bring up the fact that they don’t know the full story yet, and there could be a reasonable explanation for why yu’s shadow is so violent

- since I love to make my favorite characters suffer, I also like to headcanon that eventually yu would let his shadow kill him. or at least almost kill him, since the IT busts down the door before it’s too late, but at that point he’s unconscious and in no shape to accept or reject his shadow

- (he didn’t accept it before even though he knew he should because he didn’t want to accept his violent urges toward himself and especially toward his friends)

- so basically the IT just has to grab yu and run. I was thinking this headcanon through and my brain was like ‘why not throw in some extra souyo angst,’ so a barely conscious yu might pull a reverse uno card on yosuke and sacrifice himself to protect him, unwilling to let his friend sacrifice himself again

- which would ofc make things even worse for yosuke. aside from the obvious, there’s the confusion arising from the fact that yu’s shadow tried to kill him, but yu himself was willing to sacrifice his life for him

- either way, I think yu would be barely alive by the time they make it out of the TV world. from there it’s just a matter of him recuperating enough to go back in and accept his shadow, which is complicated by the fact that essentially being split in half across two dimensions is definitely not healthy.

- there’s plenty of angst in the recovery process, but this post is already super long and I wanna get into some of my other thoughts

- just a quick aside, I think as a perhaps less angsty headcanon yu might just be extra averse to yosuke sacrificing himself after they win against izanami, especially in the animated version where I think only yosuke sacrifices himself instead of all of their friends

- so the next time yosuke tries to sacrifice himself for yu he’d get an earful, maybe even accompanied by a breakdown where yosuke realizes how badly he scared his partner during the fight with izanami

- anyway, I also have a fun night in the woods-type idea relating to this - after yu leaves inaba, nothing seems real to him to the point that it actively breaks down his mental health

- it’s only when he returns to inaba or is with someone from inaba that the world doesn’t just look like a grayscale mesh of unsubstantial shapes

- which could lead to something interesting if yosuke (or your yu narukami pairing of choice) comes to visit him at his college dorm and finds it an absolute mess or barely decorated at all with a depressed yu inside, or if yu drops out of college entirely to return to inaba, baffling his friends and family because he was at a really good college and had a great future ahead of him, or if he returns to inaba and is terrified to find that sometimes it’s in grayscale too, or-

- the point is I’ve thought a lot about this and I love both persona 4 and night in the woods so I think it’s fun

- there’s also plenty of potential for yu to just break down and tell his friends what’s wrong in the real world before he leaves inaba, which could make for a great hurt/comfort oneshot

- all in all, I think yu would have definitely been traumatized by living in a time loop for who knows how long and there’s a lot of potential there. (don’t ask me about what I think would happen if margaret hadn’t gotten him out of the time loop cause that’s an even longer even darker post. or maybe do ask me)

anyway, I know the souyo fandom probably still isn’t exactly popping off but I hope anyone who finds this post enjoys it!

#persona 4 #souyo #yu narukami #yosuke hanamura #souji seta #headcanons #fic ideas #this has been in my brain for so long y'all believe me this is the short version #long post #tw suicide #tw depression #tw anxiety

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umikawa · 4 years

Text

Comfort Headcanons

This is primarily for Non-binary/gender non-conforming etc. readers, AFAB in this scenario. Forget that things they do post... forget it, it never existed. Also, I can make one for AMAB if you would want them, would probably make them either way once i do more research :))

Warnings: Unsupportive peers, borderline transphobia (NOT from characters), gender dysphoria, gender envy, periods, top surgery, injections (T), coming out (?)

Characters: Yukie, Watari, Daishou, Daichi, Suna, Iwaizumi, Kita, Yamagata, Mika, Bokuto, Sakusa, Matsukawa.

Not proofread, sorry, was going and didn’t stop.

YUKIE

It’s that time of the month, she can tell by the way your shoulders slouch and the depressed look on your face.

Doesn’t think twice about rushing to your side, shoving food at your face as she hugs you. Yes, it's uncomfortable because she shoved an entire onigiri in your face then immediately hugged your shoulders.

At home she’ll pull you between her legs and rub your stomach, she probably has one of those stuffed animal heating things.

If you start feeling/having gender dysphoria during your period, she’ll start kissing your face all over while whispering she loves you over and over again.

WATARI

Gender dysphoria, biggest enemy in my eyes.

He’s concerned right off the bat, he noticed the way your behavior changed the moment your ears picked up on murmurs about your outfit. He doesn’t understand why people bother talking about clothes, clothes have no gender so why is everyone talking about you?

He’ll pull you away from everyone and hug you under a tree, rubbing your back to calm you down. “I don’t get it Shinji, do people just- do they still see me as a girl?” His heart breaks at your tone, you sound so defeated.

He’ll tell you to ignore them but he knows it's hard to. Tells you everyday he loves you and that he’ll be there for you always. Though if there were a crowd of people saying things and he’s feeling bold, he’ll press his hands against your ears and kiss you in front of everyone.

DAISHOU

Starting T, scary.

Whether it’s the injection, patch, or gel, daishou is there to help. While he won’t be doing it for you he’ll hold your hand the entire time you do it, if you do the injection he’ll ignore the strong grip you have that nearly breaks his hand. (me bye.)

During the physical and mental tests you’d have to take beforehand, he’ll be the one taking you, of course unless you start this before you’re 18, he’ll tag along.

He’d take process photos for you so that once there’s a significant change, you two can watch how far you’ve grown together.

DAICHI

Top surgery. Gosh so expensive…

He’d take you there if you ask him, though if you ask your legal guardian he’ll just tag along and hold your hand whispering you’re gonna do great.

After the procedure he’d tell you you did so well, and if you start crying he’s kissing your tears away. He’ll take care of you so well but he’d sleep on the floor because he’s scared he might make you uncomfortable or touch your wounds too soon.

The first time you take off your shirt so freely, he almost cries at the way you smile. Pulls you by the waist to kiss your scars and lets a few tears slip from his eyes.

SUNA

Wearing a binder, comfortable yet also uncomfortable!

When you first get it he’s sitting on the bathroom counter as you put it on, cackling loudly once you look at yourself in the mirror. (me)

He’s reading the instruction card that came with it and he may or may not have stolen the sticker too but besides the point. “Work on better posture.” Cackling stops and you just blink at him, “Rin, if i have to work on my posture so do you!”

If you’re forgetful don’t remember to take breaks, he’s calling you to scream at you for not remembering. Suna, be my personal reminder.

IWAIZUMI

TransTape.

He looked into another option for you, if you didn’t necessarily feel comfortable with a binder and found it. He read through everything, warnings, reviews, how it began, nearly emailed the founder too.

He’d help you put it on, asking if it felt okay, if you were fine and if anything was bothering you, all of that. Supportive all the way through. When taking it off he read that it could hurt, so if you need to hold his arm or something he won't mind the death grip.

His heart swells when you get out of the shower with a grin in just his sweatpants, not even missing the sight of you in his shirts.

KITA

The haircut.

Now if your hair was already short to begin with (pixie, bob, shoulders.) but you wanted it shorter, he just flat out says, “why not shave your head.” But if you have long hair, he asks if he can cut some of it before you go somewhere professional.

He’s supportive, everyone is. If you get it without him knowing and show up to his house or school with your hair shorter or in a “typical men's haircut” he’ll suppress that feeling of wanting to jump on you. (ik in Japan it's normal for women to have short hair shh.)

I know he’s stoic most of the time but he’s a big goofball, at home he’d keep trying to use an absurd amount of hair gel to give you a mohawk.

YAMAGATA

The tuxedo. As you can see I've run out of ideas.

Listen, the first time you brought up going to mens warehouse to get fitted for a tux, he’s been drooling.

Tugs you to the store and keeps shaking his head at the suits you’ve tried on, babe, just tell them you want them to wear an all black suit. He does.

Will get on his knees when he sees you, probably makes a red carpet from construction paper.

MIKA

Gender Envy. Ha, i forgot about this one. (i switched tabs to go to crunchyroll and miyuki chose violence)

Anyways, You two are watching some show, anime, attack on titan because i make the rules, howl’s moving castle if you relate. Boom that one guy comes on and she’s whipping her head to you wondering why you’re crying.

“I wanna look like him so bad it hurts.” Pulls you into her chest, and just tells you you’ll be okay, she doesn’t know how to react in these situations, but she’ll look up on what you’re feeling and try to help in any way she can.

Will buy you a wig, actually, she’ll make you an entire cosplay dedicated to that character but it's so spot on. Screaming when you start crying and ruin the makeup she spent so much time on. Cries with you.

BOKUTO

Coming out to him.

At first he won’t understand why your hands are shaking so much when you sit him down to talk. Then he just starts getting worried you’re going to break up with him which makes the situation so much worse in your head.

And when you tell him you’re non-binary/gender non-comforming/transgender/etc. He lets out a breath because he thought it’d be a break up. Quickly regains his composure to hug you tightly and reassure you he loves you and every aspect of you and that he’ll be your number one supporter.

Makes sure everyone knows your new pronouns, new name, if you’re okay with it. Fends off people who try to criticize you for making a big decision like that, doesn’t hesitate to tell them he wants to spike a volleyball in their face for that comment.

SAKUSA

Change of name.

Another person whose initial thought is that you’re going to break up with him and is relieved when not. At first he didn’t understand why you were so hesitant to tell him but then he remembers that something like that isn’t easy at all.

Corrects anyone and everyone when they get your name wrong, so ready to defend you. He’ll hesitate to throw hands but if someone is still trying to pick on you, he’ll provoke them enough so they throw the first swing, then use the self-defense excuse. (go omi omi!)

If you decide to change your name again, he’ll do the same thing all over again. He knows it isn’t easy to choose one so if you’re indecisive he’ll test with you.

MATSUKAWA

Pronoun change.

You’re just in his room, laying on his bed when you bring it up. “Issei, can you refer to me with they/them pronouns?” his head just whips over to you but he tries to calm himself and says yes.

If you continue to question it and go from she/her to she/they, he’ll stare down anyone who gets it wrong. When you finally go to they/them, he corrects people when they’re wrong, doesn’t matter if they’re still talking, you can hear his monotone voice just saying “they.” while they’re talking.

Always says that comment that's pretty popular. “Their pronouns are they/them but i wanna be they/theirs”

#hello again.#NYAHAhAh #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu headcanons #so many characters to tag oh no #yukie shirofuku x reader #watari shinji x reader #daishou suguru x reader #daichi sawamura x reader #suna rintaro x reader #iwaizumi haijime x reader #kita shinsuke x reader #yamagata hayato x reader #mika yamaka x reader #bokuto kotaro x reader #sakusa kiyoomi x reader #matsukawa issei x reader

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adamsvanrhijn · 4 years

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@thismoleculeisacomedian

wait what is your opinion? Do you think he hated himself for being gay? (I disagree w/ that viewpoint, but would like to understand what it is & where it comes from.)

I definitely don't think Thomas hates himself for being gay — at any point in the series. I also don't think he ever moves away, internally, from "I am not the same as you, but I am not foul". I have seen people say that what happens in S5 is an indication of that and I completely disagree.

However.

I do think Thomas has low self-esteem for essentially the duration of the series, and I think he experiences self-hatred that is complicated by the fact that he is gay, surrounded by homophobia, and almost certainly a victim of complex trauma (also related to homophobia).

Thomas is confident in one thing over the course of the entire series, and this is his exceptional competence at work. He recognizes his own worth and takes pride in his actual value, which I think he actually sees very objectively. (Facebook moms, etc, do not agree with me here.) Wherever possible he makes himself indispensable, and it is in my opinion literally something he clings to as a reason to live.

(I also think he cares deeply about and, until S2/S3, has confidence in, his physical appearance. But that is a different piece.)

One of his most basic psychological needs is to be needed, and as part of this, to be contributing to something larger than him and to be essential to its functioning.

Literally in the very first episode of the entire series, we see that he is recognizing he may not have a place at Downton at all, and if he does, it isn't a place where he is valued and appreciated. This is a psychological threat—time and time again after this, we see him start to lose his head at the idea of instability.

How does he react?

By trying to make himself necessary elsewhere.

The amount of birds he is trying to get with one stone—

Give something that is necessary & desired to a man he loves

Resolve an issue at his workplace (I don't think he thought about this much but I do think it would have crossed his mind)

Escape a place he is not valued

Move upward in his current social hierarchy (domestic service)

To a job he is skilled at and enjoys

The job itself is providing essential service to the life & functioning of another human person

That human person is his lover, thereby fulfilling a different emotional need (his and said lover's)

And even when he is almost certainly set on running off into the sunset with the Duke, he still jumps at the chance to prove his worth when Bates goes, because that's just how he functions.

Like, in terms of the relationship specifically, he is trying to solve the financial problems of the Duke's estate AND become the person responsible for his daily care & keeping AND establish a safe way for them to be lovers For Ever And Ever—where he can then emotionally & sexually fulfill him on top of the physical, mental, financial and societal (having a valet as social status but also as the person who arranges pretty much everything for you and keeps you up with appearances) and needs he would be meeting.

CLINGY MUCH?

And then as soon as it starts going south his tactic is:

Look at how bad I want it

Look at how good of a valet I am

(You promised!)

Look at how good of a lover I am

Look at how much I know & care about you

Except then—

{clear internal chaos}

I do not care about this in terms of you at all, your needs never meant anything to me, this was just about me and I'm not the vulnerable one here, you are

But what is blackmail?

Blackmail is when you threaten another person with exposure of private/secret information to get something out of them.

The idea is that the victim will fear losing social standing or facing legal consequences enough to provide whatever that something is—and it can leave long-lasting damage regardless of the length of the extortion itself, because the victim has a psychological, and it follows, social & physical need, to maintain their current life sans embarrassment or like, a criminal record. Even a threat itself that cannot be carried out is damaging, because it makes the victim aware of the possibility.

The victim has to rely on and trust the blackmailer (that they will keep their word) while also fulfilling their own demands. Indefinitely, or even like, forever. Control freak much? Etc.

"smithensy when the fuck are you answering the actual question" PROBABLY NEVER

It's also a common event with relationships resembling theirs, so it's bound to be the first thing to come to mind! And he came up with it in the moment and clearly regretted it like, immediately!

Absolutely! Agree!

...except that he does it again.

And then again.

The second time, he is actually reluctant! He knows in what way he has been trusted and he knows what need he is fulfiing! And he really doesn't want to break that trust and stop fulfilling that need, even though his own needs have been intentionally torn to shreds!

But the next time he does it it is intentional. It is not split second and it is not against someone who has severely harmed him and brought the threat of ruin over his head. He takes it really fucking seriously, to the point of neuroticism, and he constantly reminds that person that she needs him—and although Baxter has to be liked for his requirement to stay in the know, I think there is also a vicarious element. He is giving her everything she needs to become indispensable. He's doing it while also holding the one thing that could ruin it over her head, yes, but he is also using her as like, a way of validating his own understanding of the house and who lives in it and what they require.

Anyway.

There are many points in his arc in the series where someone prone to depression and suicidality could be driven to attempt suicide. I can think of like, five off the top of my head.

But when he does, the breaking point is that he sees himself as unvalued and unnecessary—in essentially every area of his life, but especially his job and industry, which as above is really the only thing he never wavers in.

And he still doesn't waver in the work itself, necessarily. His problem is not that he is no longer skilled at his work, or that he can't meet his own expectations. It's that the job itself is surplus. It doesn't matter how good he is anymore; it doesn't matter how perfect he is. He has no control over it and it is the final straw for someone who has been fighting for scraps of agency for his entire life and only managing to have them through self-harm (see series 2).

I do not think Thomas sees himself as Enough. That is why he strives for perfection—if he is Good, and Skilled, and Talented, and he is needed, that is almost like being loved.

And by working his ass off and keeping the expectations of others around him low, forcing a poor opinion of himself, he is putting himself in a position where even if he isn't able to give it his all, his 70% or 60% or 40% is still better than what all these other people are capable of at 110%, so even if he is disliked and looked down upon and nobody wants him around, well, they have to keep him anyway because he is That Good and things will fall apart without him—

—and if it doesn't work and he has to go well then at least they'll be sorry when everything is ruined and he is irreplacable!

Aaaaaand he's thrusting himself into isolation and shooting himself in the foot.

The self-hatred piece is knowing that no matter what he does he will not be Enough, that there is just something missing. One piece is out of his control but he can never successfully work around it, so he can never have what he wants. The lack of success is what is driving the inward resentment. He has a lot of regret and guilt and he blames himself for every single action he takes that results even slightly in a loss of dignity. Again we see this in the first episode but also, like, the entirety of series 2, 3, 5 and 6 have this thread weaving in and out. When being mean and externalizing his blame doesn't work or make him feel better he turns it around.

The S5 plotline is more to do with having something than getting rid of something. If he can just have this one thing it will make everything else go away; it is the key to Being Enough.

And then in the cottage hospital he is immediately lashing out at and blaming himself for bothering to want that, let alone to try it.

Baxter is right, though! His tolerance for pain and suffering in the pursuit of fulfilling his own needs is extremely high and he seems determined to push it.

People who have lots of self-love and self-respect do not constantly punish themselves.

I have been writing this post for two hours and I don't think it makes much sense. I am going to make dinner now.

#downton abbey tag #thomas barrow posting tag

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cherry-valentine · 4 years

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So I recently read Killing Stalking over the course of two days. The first day was spent fleeing my home from flood waters and so I read the first half of the manwha on my phone in the parking lot of a grocery store. I was so absorbed in the story that I didn’t have time to worry about whether or not my house was washing away (it didn’t, and there was no damage, thanks for asking). I know I was pretty late to the party on this one, and it wasn’t because I wanted to avoid the series. To be honest it sounded like something I would love from the moment I heard about it, but at the time, I was busy and ended up forgetting it. I saw some pictures from it on Tumblr a few days back, was reminded, and decided to give it a shot. I have some feelings and random opinions on it that I felt like sharing. Most of these will include spoilers for the entire story, so be warned. Also: TW: ABUSE

But first, my non-spoilery plea to others who haven’t read it (and I guess the first thing I wanted to talk about): If you’re avoiding the series because you’ve heard that it glorifies or romanticizes abusive relationships, you can put that concern to rest. I honestly don’t know how anyone can walk away from the series with that take. The relationship portrayed in the series is nightmarish, and even the parts that aren’t so nightmarish are tense and very much realistic in the way abusive relationships actually work. Abusers aren’t abusive 100% of the time, and that’s what makes them so insidious. If they were terrible all the time, it would be much easier to hate them, leave them, and forget them. Instead, they are often kind, generous, and loving between incidents of abuse. This is to keep their victims emotionally attached to them. For many of these abusers, they may even feel actual love for their victims (a twisted, selfish love for sure, but I’ve always been of the belief that love can be a bad thing in certain situations). So even though there are moments in the series where the relationship seems to be going “well”, there’s always a sense of dread hanging over it, the feeling that at any moment, things are going to explode.

From here on out, there are !!MAJOR SPOILERS!! for the entire series.

A lot of people have identified the most sad or tragic or painful moments for them while reading, and those moments vary quite a bit between people. For me, the moment that gouged out my heart, the moment that was such a punch to the gut that I almost felt physical pain, was just a tiny thing. Toward the end, the first time Bum tries to go to the hospital Sangwoo is at, and the cab driver treats him like shit, Bum thinks “Why does everyone treat me like this?” And then we see flashbacks of moments when Sangwoo was kind to him. And... that right there. That got me. The fact that his abuser, the person who had treated him so cruelly, was also the only person who had treated him with actual kindness, broke my heart. The fact that he’d lived his whole life and experienced nothing but cruelty or indifference or betrayal. The only person who ever made him feel special, feel loved, was also the person who had tormented him. And it hurt so much to read, because I know that’s how many real life abuse victims feel. It was, in my opinion, the most tragic aspect of the series.

My last opinion might be a little controversial. Something I noticed when checking out the fandom for the series was how anyone who even hinted that they’d like for Sangwoo and Bum to be happy together was met with absolute hate and fury (slinging around lots of terrible insults like “failed abortion” and things I won’t repeat here - like yeah great idea explaining how abusive relationships are bad by being verbally abusive). Now, as a logical adult, I know it would be totally impossible for them to have a happy relationship (and indeed they didn’t). I didn’t even want them to be together. I just wanted them both to get a lot of therapy. The “headcanon” I came up with to make myself feel less depressed after the ending was that they both died and were then reborn into loving, nurturing environments where they grew up to be happy, well-adjusted people who would meet in college and have a healthy relationship. But I do understand the people who saw the less horrible moments and thought, “I wish they could just be happy together”. Because it did feel like these two thoroughly broken people had found a tiny, miniscule amount of happiness and love, even if it was clear it definitely would not last and definitely was not healthy. I get feeling that way.

And actually, the series plays a fairly clever trick on the reader. Just like real life abuse victims have trouble hating and leaving their abusers when those abusers are kind or show a more human side to them, Sangwoo became much harder to hate and dismiss once his traumatic childhood was revealed and he showed some kindness to Bum. It’s like the series was showing us exactly how abuse victims remain attached to their abusers, by making us stay attached to Sangwoo as a character. For the first half of the series I despised him, but the series tricked me into sympathizing with him and even feeling sorry for him and wishing he could be happy. And that. right. there. That’s how abusers get you. I thought it was a very smart way to portray this concept.

I also get that some BL fans DID romanticize and even fetishize the relationship. But, and hear me out please, I don’t think that’s a reason to totally dunk on those fans. Most of the fans who felt that way are probably fairly young, probably naive, probably exploring some dark fantasies for (perhaps) the first time in their lives. I think most people have something that introduced them to darker fantasies (rape fantasies, violent kinks, etc.). When you’re young, these are pretty thrilling to think about, and as long as you limit this exploration to works of fiction, it’s a safe way to dig into these fantasies. For most people, they grow out of them. The thrill wears off as they get older or they become mature enough to realize how horrible and scary those situations would be in real life. Some people keep those kinds of kinks all their lives, and as long as they limit it to fantasy and fiction, or consensual situations, that’s fine. But we need to understand that Killing Stalking, just by nature of having a very attractive character like Sangwoo, is going to be that piece of media that introduces a lot of younger people to those darker fantasies. And it’s not necessarily a terrible thing to let them safely explore those fantasies with this story. Because the story doesn’t encourage it. It doesn’t paint a rosey picture of this kind of relationship. It’s horrifying and ends in tragedy and trauma for everyone involved.

My “thing” that introduced me to darker fantasies was a movie called Boxing Helena, which I watched when I was most definitely too young. For those who haven’t seen it, it actually shares some themes with Killing Stalking (involving a sexy but psychotic man who had lots of issues relating to his mother and keeps a woman captive in his home, partly because she reminds him of his mother, and does horrible things to her - there’s even a scene where he brings another woman home and has sex with her while the captive woman is forced to watch through a cracked door. Sounds familiar, right?). It felt dark and dangerous and taboo, because it was also horrific. But it was exciting. Of course, I grew out of things like that, but it would have been absolutely no help to have a ton of people screaming at me that I was a sick pervert for finding the psycho guy hot (I mean it was Julian Sands in the 90’s, can you really blame me?).

If you come across younger fans who think Killing Stalking was sexy and say dumb things like, “I’d like to be in Sangwoo’s basement!” (actual comment I saw), don’t immediately harp on them and make them feel bad. They’re just exploring their own fantasies. It would be much more helpful to calmly and patiently talk to them and point out that it’s okay to like this stuff in fiction, but to be very careful about how they explore these feelings in reality. I’d be willing to bet that the vast majority of these people are just virginal teenagers who would never in a million years get involved in a dangerous relationship. So let’s cut them a little slack.

Note: When I refer to younger fans, I’m thinking 18-20 or so, and of course the younger teens who are going to read this whether we want them to or not. I am in no way suggesting that we should encourage younger people to read it. Just that, if you come across a younger person who has already read it, yelling insults at them over their naive opinions on it isn’t going to be helpful to anyone.

Anyway, that’s all I have to say about it for now. I just felt very strongly about it and felt like sharing.

#Killing Stalking #text #tw: abuse

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terramythos · 3 years

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TerraMythos 2021 Reading Challenge - Book 17 of 26

Title: The Other Wind (Earthsea Cycle #6) (2001)

Author: Ursula K. Le Guin

Genre/Tags: Fantasy, Third-Person, Female Protagonist (Kinda)

Rating: 5/10

Date Began: 7/8/2021

Date Finished: 7/12/2021

The sorcerer Alder is haunted by a recurring dream. Every night he stands at the border of the afterlife, and the dead call to him from the other side, begging him to free them. Fearing that he may unleash evil upon the world, Alder seeks out Ged, a living man who once escaped the land of the dead. Alder finds himself central to a vast mystery; the origin of the afterlife and how it relates to mankind’s ancient connection to the dragons.

“I think,” Tehanu said in her soft, strange voice, “That when I die, I can breathe back the breath that made me live. I can give back to the world all I didn’t do. All that I might have been and couldn’t be. All the choices I didn’t make. All the things I lost and spent and wasted. I can give them back to the world. To the lives that haven’t been lived yet. That will be my gift back to the world that gave me the life I did live, the love I loved, the breath I breathed."

Content warnings and spoilers below the cut.

Content warnings for the book: Death, suicidal ideation, references to child abuse, reference to misogyny, mentioned animal death, mention of slavery.

Man oh man do I wish I enjoyed this book more. It’s not horrible, and there’s stuff I liked, but I found it really hard to get through at times. The Other Wind feels different than anything else in the Earthsea series— to its detriment. There are three main issues I have with the book, all of which I’ll get into. But ultimately I consider it a mediocre conclusion to an otherwise great series.

First, this book has unusual pacing. The Earthsea books are generally slow, with a gradual buildup and gratifying conclusion that ties the themes of the story together. The Other Wind is more like a reverse bell curve; it has a great beginning and finale, but the middle meanders and stalls. The novel is split into five chapters, roughly the same length, and the middle three are a slog. There’s the barest whisper of an interesting plot, but not a lot happens— and what does happen isn’t very compelling.

The closest thing to a story in the middle is a subplot involving Seserakh, a Kargish princess. She’s sent to King Lebannen’s court with the expectation he’ll marry her to secure an alliance. A stock idea to be sure, but I can see how it might provide political intrigue. But it’s just aggravating. Tenar is in this storyline for some reason, and she feels contradictory and out of character. She wants to live a simple life and leave palace politics behind— but she also wants to push the literal king into a marriage he doesn’t want. Lebannen gets framed as The Absolute Worst because he (1) doesn’t want to get married to a woman he’s never met, and (2) is distracted by other stuff. There’s an implication that the match is a great choice, yet Seserakh and Lebannen don’t have a conversation until near the end. Of course Lebannen falls madly in love with her the moment they talk. No need to… develop their relationship? Normally I can gloss over a weak subplot, but since so little happens in the middle, that’s impossible here. It’s irrelevant to the main story, so it’s a shame Le Guin spent so much time on it.

There’s a lot of talking in this book, but little action. Dialogue-heavy characterization isn’t necessarily bad. Le Guin is usually great at that kind of writing. But here, it emphasizes my second problem with the book: there’s too many major characters. Previous books focused on 1 or 2 people, allowing for intimate connection and character growth. LeGuin clearly tries for that here, but there’s so many people and relationships that everyone is underdeveloped. Perhaps this would come off better with a single perspective character, but Le Guin instead chose a shifting POV between 5+ characters. An alternating POV isn’t inherently bad, but it wasn’t a good fit for such a short book. I found myself wishing for focus on Alder (the protagonist!), who’s a genuinely compelling character. Alas.

My third problem with The Other Wind is exposition. This book resolves several plot threads from previous entries. Obviously, there needs to be some context from the series to tie everything together. But the sheer amount of recap is unreal. So many scenes boil down to a character explaining something that happened to them in a previous book, then connecting it to the current plot. It’s not subtle and sometimes happens with the same event multiple times. It genuinely feels like Le Guin didn’t trust the reader to infer ANYTHING on their own. Having just read the rest of the series, this was especially irritating. I can cut a little slack here; this series began in 1968, and perhaps some returning 2001 readers wouldn’t recall key events. But regardless, The Other Wind is one of the most over-explained things I’ve read in a long time. It’s especially odd because the previous books aren’t like this.

There are things I genuinely like about The Other Wind. On a prose level, Le Guin's a great writer. Even the plotless parts of the book are full of interesting writing choices and philosophical observations. One nice thing about Earthsea is the characters age over the course of the series. Ged started A Wizard of Earthsea as a young boy, but as of The Other Wind is a seventy-year-old man. It’s cool to sit back and see just how much each character developed over time. Earthsea itself changed with them; each book’s events have serious repercussions for the world as a whole. And this book has the most significant change of all.

When the The Other Wind’s plot is relevant, it’s one of the most interesting in the series. I think it’s a fascinating way to tie up two disparate plot threads. As much as I love The Farthest Shore, it does present a glaring conundrum regarding Earthsea’s core themes. True immortality is only obtained through death— not because of an afterlife, but because the dead become one with the rest of the world. So why does the Archipelago have an afterlife at all? Why is it so bleak and depressing? Why are there no plants, animals, or dragons there? Speaking of, there’s the revelation that dragons and humans were once the same species. Tehanu introduced this idea with various folktales, and the eventual reveal that Tehanu/Therru is a dragon. This idea is newer to the series and thus more malleable, but I like the idea of an entity being two creatures at once, and the mystery behind that.

I think the integration of these two ideas is interesting. Dragons and humans were once the same, but decided to split into two species to pursue different goals. They formed an ancient bargain to rule different aspects of the world. Fire and air represent the dragons’ realm, freedom— and water and earth represent the humans’ realm, ownership. But some humans learned magic and broke that covenant, binding everything to its true name. This established a form of freedom— immortality via one’s name. The afterlife is a result of that; it shouldn’t exist, which is why it feels wrong. Everything links back to the desire for immortality without change as introduced in The Farthest Shore. On a meta level it’s weird that none of this came up in that book; the explanation that dragons suddenly remembered this great wrong is a little retcon-y. But I understand Le Guin probably never intended to expand on these ideas, and it’s nice to see the contradiction of Earthsea’s afterlife resolved in the end. I went into this book expecting the titular “other wind” to be the other side of Earthsea, not another plane of existence; and I think that surprise is pretty cool! I like the metaphysical aspect of this other realm and how it connects to the dragons.

Even though I didn’t love the book, I do think it works as a series conclusion more than Tehanu did. Tehanu drops such a huge, unresolved bombshell in its ending that I’m surprised Le Guin intended it to be the final book of the series. The Other Wind does create some open-ended mysteries, but they’re the kind that don’t need a resolution.

Despite that, I find myself wondering if this book was necessary. The Other Wind ties together some threads, but I wasn’t a fan of the execution overall. If the dragon and afterlife plot was a heavier focus, maybe I’d like the book more. Instead there’s a bunch of filler and extraneous detail. The book feels forced, like a novella stretched into a full novel— yet also like something’s missing. Perhaps The Other Wind works better on a reread, but I’m inclined to skip it in the future.

#5/10 #taylor reads #2021 reading challenge

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ineloqueent · 4 years

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hi tina 💞 not sure how easy this is, since my astrophysics knowledge is nearing -273 *C, but you could do mutuals as astronomical sights? comets, planets, galaxies etc... sorry if not!! 💖✨

anna! and anon! you’ve given me a wonderful chance to ramble about space. you may come to regret it, however...

if i’ve forgotten you, please do not take it personally! i didn’t mean to. my mind is just but a glorified puddle :)

@archaicmusings — vega

vega is the brightest star in the constellation lyra, and happens to be my favourite star. don’t ask me why vega is my favourite star, or why lyra is my favourite constellation, because i haven’t got a coherent answer for you. i’ve just always been drawn to them. a bit like cal, really. i feel like we’ve known each other for far longer than just four months, and she’s so lovely that i’m fairly sure i could say anything to her and she’d just accept me for whatever rubbish i’m rambling about this time. and, in the depressing year that’s been 2020, cal has been a bright star.

@drivenbybri — halley’s comet

honestly, is there anything more iconic than halley’s comet? there can’t be much. probably the best known comet of all time, halley’s comet is a short-period comet (and if you’ve read starstruck, you know how much i prefer short-period comets to those long-period comets with their damned 200-year perihelions, even if certain people suggest that this makes them quite special), meaning that it is visible from earth every 75-ish years. halley’s comet last made an appearance in the lovely year of 1986, and will thus appear next in 2061 (i’m so excited for my 59-year-old self!!!). halley’s comet, though well-known, is still a rare breed, so to speak. it is rare, and extraordinarily beautiful that a comet appears to a human twice within their lifetime. sofie is rare, just like halley’s comet, and equally beautiful, both in heart and with that lovely curly hair of hers. i’m honoured to know her, just as i shall be honoured to see halley’s comet one day.

@brianmays-hair — cassiopeia a

cassiopeia a (or rather, the remnant of cassiopeia a) was a supernova within the constellation of cassiopeia. for those of you who do not obsess over interstellar matter the way that i do, supernovae are explosions of massive stars, or white dwarfs drawn to nuclear fusion, within their final stages of life. not much is known about how these explosions necessarily take place, and nasa has only caught on video one such explosion, back in 2016. the most commonly presented image of the remnant of cassiopeia a is a false-colour image, composed with three different wavebands of light. it is, as you can see, very beautiful. supernovae radiate energy and light throughout the cosmos during their existence, and thus having a great effect on the space surrounding them. i therefore liken jess to cassiopeia a because she has a brilliant personality, vibrant and inspiring, which comes across especially in her writing. but of course, the beauty of cassiopeia a has nothing on her.

@deacyblues — sirius

as far as we humans and the scientists among us know, sirius is the brightest star in the observable universe. housed within the constellation of canis major, sirius has always been monumentally important in terms of navigation, since ancient times. i tell pearl this all the time, but truly, i mean it; her outlook on life is inspiring, how she never fails to be positive even in times of great trouble. like sirius, pearl is a light, ever-present within the mindset of living for today, ever-determined, and unfailingly kind.

@joemazzmatazz — black hole

please let me explain before this gets taken the wrong way: I LOVE BLACK HOLES. i specifically want to study black holes, whenever i get the chance to specialise within astrophysics. they fascinate me to no end, with a kind of allure that only the mysterious can hold. furthermore, black holes may be the key to understanding the universe; if we understand black holes, we will be able to make headway on other matter, such as dark matter, and dark energy, the latter of which makes up the majority of the observable universe, and will lead us to astronomical (if you’ll pardon the ill-worded expression, and the unintentional pun) conclusions concerning both the beginning of our universe, and the eventual end. regan, just like a black hole, is a wealth of information, especially concerning the knowledge she harbours about disney, and the business management sector of it. it’s quite truly inspirational.

@im-an-adult-ish — the milky way

ah yes, the milky way. home to all of us. and that is the essence of my explanation here. meredith has such a friendly way about her, and she’s the kind of person you can easily turn to and feel welcomed. a bit like our little corner of the universe <3

@almightygwil — the sun

i think this is probably self-explanatory, if a bit repetitive, but ellie is a ray of sunshine. but perhaps that sells her a little short, because ellie is just so genuinely lovely that she must herself be the sun. her writing talent astounds me (you could say it blinds me, ha ha), and she never fails to be somehow both sweet and very chaotic at the same time. it’s very admirable (and certainly relatable, on the chaotic front). the sun itself, if we think about the surface and the fusion that takes place there, is both the sweetest sight ever seen, and quite chaotic, so i think it fitting that ellie is the sun.

@hijackmy-heart — callisto

callisto is one of jupiter’s moons, and my favourite, because it looks like a piece of the night sky decided to curl up into a ball. i don’t know nat too well, but i know that she’s gorgeous, like callisto, and loves roger taylor. let me explain. jupiter, in roman mythology, is the god of the sky and of thunder. in norse mythology, thor is the equivalent of jupiter, and to me, roger has always had a bit of that typical scandinavian look going, with the blonde hair and blue eyes (not to say that all scandis look like this, but he fits the stereotype :)). nat loves roger, and callisto orbits jupiter, so there you have it.

@six-bloodyminutes — the moon

the moon has a serenity about it, and mo has a knack for telling quite wild things with a most casual air. for instance, according to my sources, when a certain dorm room caught fire (?). mo thus bears this serenity, akin to the serenity i associate with the moon, with equal grace and chaos.

@dancingdiscofloof — pluto

pluto! the not-planet-oh-wait-maybe-it’s-a-planet-jk-jk-unless..? i still think that pluto should be considered a planet, despite the many arguments against the poor sod. pluto was once a planet, and should therefore have remained a planet, for the plain and simple fact that taking away its planethood was like giving a person a present, and then taking it back immediately afterward. anyway. i’m rambling. i also do not know rove very well, but i know that she’s kind, and, judging by the memes she shares, both of ryan gosling and tom hanks, that she is quirky— a bit like our beloved pluto.

@imcompletelylost — aurora borealis/aurora australis

also known as the northern lights/the southern lights, the polar lights, the merry dancers, the fox fires, or swarms of luminous herring (you can thank my ancestors, followers of norse mythology, for that one), the aurora is an astronomical phenomenon precipitated by the complete ring of light surrounding the poles, “which at its brightest has a distinctively green tint” (may, brian, et al. the cosmic tourist. carlton books, 2016.). yes i just made a citation from one of brian’s books. don’t worry about it. anyway, particles emitted from our sun are caught by the magnetic fields of earth’s poles, and thus produce this ethereal effect. but you know what the aurora has always reminded me of? disco lights. and libby is noting if not the queen of disco. oh, and, libby’s makeup talents? the aurora could never.

@aprilaady — butterfly nebula

the butterfly nebula is incredibly beautiful. but also, depending on from which angle it is beheld, it looks quite different. dor will surprise you, in the loveliest way possible (and sometimes the funniest) with a kind word or a joke, or even just a relatable comment. she has so many talents, being rivetingly smart within so many fields, especially the sciences, and in this, conveys multitudes, like the butterfly nebula. one might say her soul is painted like the wings of butterflies...

@doing-albri — solar eclipse

the alignment of the sun, moon, and earth. difficult to see, especially in totality, if you continually live in the same place. but there’s something magical in that alignment, i think. something quite poetic. it’s partially in the name ‘eclipse’ and partially in the nickname— a “ring of fire.” i saw the solar eclipse in august of 2018, and looking up at it, i was quite awestruck. you’re not supposed to stare directly at solar eclipses, because despite the moon overshadowing the sun, you can still damage your eyes significantly by looking at them. vi is so bright, both in her attitude and in her intelligence, and thus i’ve chosen the solar eclipse for her. also, when a solar eclipse occurs, using a piece of cardboard with a hole (or generally any thick-radius circular object with an opening), you can recreate the phenomenon on another surface, resulting in beautiful patterns and light-art, which i think speaks to vi’s eye for aesthetics.

@imalososos — meteor shower

meteor showers are perhaps some of the most beautiful phenomena i have ever seen. back in the summer of 2016, i stayed up all night to watch the perseids rush across the sky, and i was not disappointed, by any means. within the early hours of the 12th of august, an estimated 80 meteors darted across the heavens each hour. meteors, in essence, are clusters of mineral, usually debris from comets, which enter the atmosphere of a planet, and thus seem to shoot across the sky. now, you may be wondering, what’s the bloody blooming difference between meteoroids, meteors, and meteorites, and why are we talking about meteors in particular? well, meteoroids are cosmic debris that have not yet entered an atmosphere; as soon as a piece of cosmic debris enters a planet’s atmosphere, it is classified as a meteor. as for meteorites, nothing is a meteorite unless it strikes the ground. anyway. you didn’t come here for my science ramblings. meteors are also called ‘shooting stars,’ and let’s be honest, they’re space’s idea of art. streaks of light across the sky? sounds like a painting to me, and darya, among many other things, is an artist— and a brilliant one, at that. so i think it very fitting to describe her as the art of the universe <3

@mazzell-ro — saturn

i! love! saturn!!! being the only planet in our solar system with highly visible rings, it just stands out to me. it’s absolutely gorgeous, and an object of much inspiration to me, when i was little and decided that space was absolutely something i wanted to see. i could write an eight-verse song about saturn, i love it so much, and honestly, i think ro could write one too; she’s an excellent musician. but aside from its lovely rings, saturn is unique because its composition, in the ratio of its gases, would allow the planet to float in water. ro is uniquely wonderful, and her writing!!!!!!!! makes me so soft and happy and makes me want to give her the word. quite how i feel when i look up at saturn.

@mistiermistshazierdays — zodiacal light

you may recognise this term as brian’s speciality from when he was studying astrophysics. but what is it? zodiacal light is that strange triangle of light that appears glowing in the sky after twilight and before dawn, and is the subject of much earth-based astrophotography. extraordinarily beautiful, scientists are still not entirely sure what the phenomenon is, but most research and practical experiments are in favour of zodiacal light being sunlight reflected off of cosmic dust (also known as stardust!). now, if my knowledge of ancient greece and its mythology serves me, the name phoebe comes from phoebus, and (thank you google) means ‘bright.’ zodical light… bright… phoebe… you might say it’s a match made in the heavens. quite literally if we’re talking space. phoebe, you kind soul, you are stardust.

@speciallyred — andromeda galaxy

and last, but certainly not least, dear anna. i name thee the andromeda galaxy, partially for your own name, and partially for its poetic beauty. andromeda, the neighbour galaxy of our deal ol’ milky way, is actually about 2.5 million lightyears (15 trillion miles, 22.5 trillion km) away from us, here on earth. call me vain for the number of times i’ve described the beauty of space throughout this rather extended exposition, but andromeda is startlingly beautiful. one reason for this objective beauty is that andromeda is estimated to be home to roughly double the number of stars within our own galaxy. anna is one of the most talented poets i have ever come across, hands down, and what be the food of poetry, if not the stars?

#happy christmas to those who celebrate it!!!#mutuals tag #space

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