#not sure if its a mental thing or my meds not working

[lesbiacnh]

omg i get a little stressed and to cope i end up playing esthetician until 130 am and go to bed feeling worse than before. and like id pluck every leg hair out but haven’t brushed my teeth yet. and after that my skin gets soo bad and im like whattttt why is this uappening.

[toytulini]

mental health just straight up plummeting

[reserwrekt]

I feel like I had everyone fooled into thinking I was normative or "okay" for two years. (2017-2019)

But the thing is, I never said I was. I had started over after my oldest brother passed away and all my friends left me to deal with it on my own.. I had told everyone around me that I'm not okay, that I have all these diagnosis, that I was sui, and I'm sick all the time.

But everyone ignored me. They ignored those parts. Then, when I started showing signs of my problems and disabilities- they'd act surprised. "I didn't think it was that bad."

My situationship at the time famously told me to drive myself to the ER when I woke up with sepsis, beginning stages of shock, kidneys shutting down. And as I was getting ready, I passed out, pissed, and vomited everywhere. It took me not being able to get back up, for him to sigh angrily and take me.

When we got to the hospital, I was stoic. The staff didn't expect anything. When they took my blood pressure, they suddenly started swarming me, ripping my clothes off my body, and scolding him for not calling an ambulance. (Blood pressure was nothing, like I think 50/40 something like that.)

But again, the fact that the ER staff assumed nothing was wrong, taking their time, and then realizing the emergency. I've always been treated like this..

During my hospitalization, the antibiotics weren't working. That made sense, because I've had a long history with antibiotics and already had antibiotic resistant sickness. But I could hear the staff talking about moving me to a critical care unit, in my valume induced haze. I could hear the nurses explaining "sepsis protocol" to each other. I would get woken up to more anticoagulant being injected through my stomach. I could hear them gossip about how they've "never not felt a pulse in a living person." As they started using my feet to check instead.

During this time, maybe I was hallucinating, I was having long vivid conversations with my passed brother. He told me I had a choice to join him now or not.

I put my deadbeat family's grieving, over my own. It was extra hard bc I was the only one supporting my brother, everyone left us alone.. I told him I couldn't. Then I started to respond to the medication (they switched antibiotics.)

For the next year, I felt I had a tie to my brother and we kept having conversations.

I was dating someone who literally wouldn't believe me or even try to empathize (same idiot.)

I asked my brother why doesn't everyone experience this? And he said it was because they couldn't handle it... and he said "look at how you've been.." and he was right. I was starting to obsess over it. I was regretting my choice to live. And then I'd have to wake up, feeling all this grief, next to a golden retriever who wouldn't even acknowledge that I woke up sobbing every day.

I had to get out of there, but because I had started over, the only people I knew, were HIS people..

I didn't trust his friend that was a little too eager to know me, but I didn't have anywhere else to go. I talked to her about some of the issues and how I don't know how to make it on the street as I'm awaiting disability.

Ofc she invited me to live with her, but I knew she had just married a guy she didn't even like. The red flags were there. And I told her on the first day, what always happens in my life. I said how no one ever helps unless they have other motives. I told her about every "family friend" who promised to get me out of foster care. I said EXACTLY how this was going to end, and I was right every step of the way.

I told her "I have severe problems that no one understands. They always say they do, but when I show signs and symptoms, they demonize me."

"No I won't. "

She did.

I told her "every family friend that said they were going to rescue me, went around and told everyone that's what they were doing, and then usually something happens like their partner gets jealous of me or something, it creates problems, and then when they break up, they leave me to die." And literally all of those things happened.

"I'm a licensed therapist." Yeah, and that's the scary part.

Meanwhile her husband was microagressing me the entire time I was there, I had JUST got my disability money (1yr living there) and then instead of being a dick to just me, he started taking it out on her. Then she immediately found ANOTHER Indigenous, two-spirit, Bipolar person to abuse. Then, that person told me that she basically told them that she was ME. She used her photos, but told them to a T MY personality.

All the people around us during that time, had no idea about me or my life. And then I got to see her go on and be successful at MY personality.

So for the past while, the things that I was interested in, that I showed her, shared with her, no longer felt like mine. So now I'm like in a very weird place with who I am.

I basically feel like for the past couple years, everyone ignored the real me, and cherry picked every detail THEY liked. So now I'm just extra messed up.

[in1-nutshell]

How would the tfp react to the sparkling beans

I have another work that has the TFP Cons reaction to the sparklings you can visit. Now its time for these beans to meet up with the Autobots.

Hope you enjoy!

Autobots reacting to finding a pod full of sparklings

SFW, familial, platonic, Cybertronian/ Bot reader

TFP

For the sake of this writing, the pod crash landed outside their base after a meteor shower. Optimus and Ultra Magnus go out to retrieve the pod. Bulkhead has his wrecking ball out just in case it was another scraplet trap. No one is expecting this pod to be filled with sparklings.

Optimus Prime

Confused sparkling noises

“My children.”--Optimus

“Optimus they all can’t—”--Ratchet

“My. Children.”--Optimus

Oh, he is not expecting this. But this is a pleasant surprise. He is in love with all these little beans. He helps them out of the pod with the help of the other to make sure they are okay in the med bay. Optimus is hypervigilant of each sparkling while Ratchet is checking up on them.

Due to the amount of sparklings, and his lack of more servos, he came up with a new guardian system for the team to use for the beans.

No one is going to say no to this idea.

Prime has a habit whenever he is in the base to pick up a sparkling or two and keep them around while he does work. That doesn’t mean that work is the only thing he does around the sparklings. He finds himself telling them stories he remembers from his days as Orion Pax in the halls of Iacon.

Has given the beans a ride in his alt-mode from time to time.

Ratchet

Giggling sparkling noises.

Mother hen mode activated.

Oh, his stress levels have skyrocketed.

Not only does he have to worry about his team doing dumb things and getting hurt, now he has to worry about a bunch of literal sparklings. He needs a break, but not now, he has sparklings now.

He checks up on every single sparkling making note that they were all right and healthy. Since he spends the most time at the base, he naturally spends more time with the sparklings.

He is thankful for anyone who stays with him at the base to help with the sparklings. His back kibble sub space is usually filled with the beans. It’s easier to make sure to know where they are. Ratchet endless patience with the sparklings.

Has taken some of the sparklings around on ambulance rides when he picks up Raf when Bumblebee can’t .

Bumblebee

Beeping sparkling noises

Mimicking same beeping noises

He isn’t the youngest anymore!

He is enamored with the sparklings. He is often found cooing at them and picking them up.

Protective of his little friends. Bumblebee is the first to introduce the sparklings to the kids when they come back. Which was a story all on its own.

He takes his job as guardian seriously with the sparklings, especially if Raf is around too. It makes him one of the best babysitters on the team.

Has taken some around on rides on his alt-mode, does speed up from time to time but usually sticks to the speed limit and smooth driving.

Arcee

Sparkling noises

“…Oh Primus…”

She is having a time.

Is mentally stressing about the sparklings safety. The war is still going on and the base can only be safe if they keep it that way. Doesn’t even want to think about the sparklings getting hurt.

She isn’t the best at comfort.

But she does her best in keeping the kiddos in check and safe.

Gets Jack to help her with them. Jack is just happy to help, because he is sure that Arcee might have a mental breakdown if one of them got a tiny scrap on their knee.

Due to her vehicle mode not beginning the safest for sparkling travel, she makes up for it doing piggyback rides.

Bulkhead

Sparkling noises

“Oh, thank Primus it’s not scraplets…”

He is so relief they are not scraplets.

He wants to be around the sparklings but at the same time wants to keep his distance. Bulkhead has a track record of accidents that happen due to him being a klutz.

Thanks to Miko’s help he does find a way to keep an optic on the sparklings and still being safe around them.

The first on is that he has to sit down with his backside against the wall and have the sparklings around his lap. That way he can tell stories and act as a jungle gym at the same time.

The other option is having them inside his alt-mode while driving.

He takes caution with the sparklings inside, meaning no dune bashing.

Wheeljack

Sparkling noises

“I want this one.”--Wheeljack

“Wheeljack—”--Ratchet

“Meet Jackie jr.”--Wheeljack

He likes sparklings.

Might have come as a surprise to the others but it wasn’t at the same time. Wheeljack has had experience with kids in the past and he is a good babysitter. One of the best in the entire team.

Reason 1, he knows his strengths and won’t accidentally step on one of them. He gets a lot of ‘uppises’ requests.

Reason 2, he can entertain the sparklings for hours with fun harmless science experiments. They have to be runned by the Doc first. The last time he didn’t do that he ended up with wrench marks at his helm as he was teaching the youngsters how to make a grenade.

Reason 3, he has plenty of stories to share, while keeping them all G rated. He is not dumb enough to tell them what actually happened, he still wouldn’t tell them even if they were older.

Wheeljack has been known to steal certain sparklings and take them out on trips in the Jackhammer or in his alt-mode.

Smokescreen

“Hi there little guy!”--Smokescreen

“Smokescreen you’re holding them upside down!”—Ratchet

He is too excited to see the sparklings.

He had never seen a sparkling before, so this was a special moment. Smokescreen is always the first to volunteer to take care the sparklings.

Loves the feeling of being looked up to and lives for it. He wants to be a good role model for them and tries his best.

He does sometimes forget where he might have put a sparkling here and there but that usually happens when he takes too many sparklings that he can handle. Thankfully for the most part he does remember in the end where he put them, or Bumblebee finds them before he can.

Why is it always Bumblebee who finds them, not even he knows why.

He is banned from taking the sparklings out in his alt-mode after speeding too much.

Ultra magnus

Sparkling noises

“I am going to read the entire Autobot code to them when its bedtime.”—Ultra Magnus

He has done this. Wheeljack walked in on him doing this and claimed to the others that he was torturing them with cruel and unusual punishment.

Magnus is not amused.

He is one of the best babysitters on the team besides Wheeljack and Bumblebee. Magnus knows how to be gentle and careful with smaller beings. After all he has had a lot of practice due to his tall stature on Cybertron and on Earth.

He can get the little beans to sleep faster than anyone else. Does not matter if they had a tiring day or are still full of energy, he can make them fall asleep in record time.

He likes to talk to them as if they were fully grown Cybertronians and has held interesting conversations with them. Secretly has a data pad full of the things the sparklings like and dislike.

He has taken a few sparklings out of the base at night and driven around the base to help them sleep better.

[samkerrworshipper]

lost cause | leah williamson x reader

it’s a little blurb for my hurt girlies

warnings: depression, suicidal thoughts n discussions.

“Would you let me die?”

You looked deep into Leah’s eyes, the both of you trying your very hardest to fight back tears as her eyes shot open towards you. She flipped you over in your shared bed, switching you from your position as her little spoon so you were face to face with her.

“What?”

Leah’s words were laced with sleepiness, her body had been mere seconds away from sleep but your words had stopped her exhaustive haze, her eyes blinking furiously as they adjusted to the lack of light in the room, trying to gauge your facial expression.

“Would you let me die?”

Your words were murmured into the room, quiet that Leah was sure she stood a higher chance of hearing a mouse running across the floorboards then your words.

“What are you talking about?”

Leah’s voice waivered, trying to figure out exactly what you werte referring to.

“Would you?”

The conversation had been on your mind for days, the thoughts that had been humming steadily in your brain finally coming to surface in the moment.

“No shit I wouldn’t.”

Leah’s voice was as strong as it could be, her Milton Keynes accent coming on strong as she tried to decipher what exactly was playing in you brain at 3am in the morning that had led you to this point.

“Could you?”

Once again Leah struggled to understand the words and meaning of what you were saying. You’d had a impossible month, becoming the fifth arsenal player to be plagued with the acl disease. You’d had surgery two months ago, and revelry wise you were doing great, mentally you were struggling more than you ever had. Leah was working on it with you, trying her very hardest to keep you happy, to keep you alive. It was hard, there were days where you refused to leave bed, days where she found scars on your wrists that made her feel sick for not being there for you how she had to be.

“I just told you no.”

Leah’s voice held strong in the room, the only thing that could be heard was the sound of the two of you breathing. It had been a rough night to some extent, you were being weaned off the pain meds and it sucked, Leah was trying her hardest but she wasn’t a doctor, nor instant pain relief.

“What if I asked you to?”

Your words hung heavy in the space between you, like a weighted medicine ball falling directly between you on the bed.

It had been a thoguht that had been at the forefront of your brain for weeks, but for you, it felt like an obligation to talk to Leah about it, to prepare her for something that was very quickly beginning to feel inevitable to you.

“Why would you ask me that?l

Leah’s hand managed to travel its way down to your stomach, her fingers clutching onto your sharp stomach muscles, the lines were strong and deft, a map across your torso.

“Do you love me enough to just let me die?”

Leah looked directly into your eyes. Did she love you to death? Did she love you to your grave? It was a question that hurt Leah from the inside out. Was it selfish of her to say no, to say that it was stupid of you to leave her for the rest of her life, when you’d promised her forever.

“I know it’s selfish but-.”

“That’s a fucked up thing to say.”

Leahs voice harshly cut you off, the older woman try her hardest to stay composed as she kept her eye contact with you, it was the only glimpse she had into your thoughts, what exactly you were feeling in this moment.

“I know and I’m sorry Lee, but I had to ask.”

Leah shook her head, no you didn’t. There was a billion worlds where you never should have had to ask, to ask permission to live, to ask permission from her about whether or not she loved you enough to let you go.

“Do you want to die?”

Leah’s words struck a deep frown onto your face, like it had been plastered on with sticky tape and glue. It looked wrong on your face, nights like these were normally spent with you being the happiest you ever were, cuddled up in the arms thay you loved more than anything in the world.

“Are you planning on dying, could you?”

There was no illness, no surgery, no life threatening circumstance that could lead to the end of your life, so it was either planned or paranoia and Leah was leaning to believe it was the first one.

“Could I die?”

Her words twisted around in your brain, your heart racing furiously against Leah’s Arsenal hoodie as you tried to digest what she was saying to you, it wasn’t a meal that was agreeing with your stomach, you could feel the word vomit rising already.

“Could you love me enough to live for me?”

The rephrasing of her words made you feel even sicker, like the nausea you got after eating lactose when you definitely were not supposed to.

“You know I love you Leah.”

Leah’s brow furrowed, because yes, she knew you loved her, you reminded her at least once a day. But what about loving her made you want to die, enough to seek permission.

“So could you live for me, it might be selfish, but please.”

Leah’s words invoked an i necessary amount of uncomfortable silence that spread out like a blanket across your shared bedroom, even the dogs lying at the base of your bed seemed to understand the memo, their snores silencing for a second whilst you and Leah just stared at eachother.

“Leah, I can’t do this anymore.”

She knew that, knew that more than anyone this acl injury had been hell for you. Her once energetic and happy girl had changed, into a person that was completely unrecognisable, it hurt her heart and soul, wondering if she’d ever get her girl back, or if that version of you had died out in the pitch with your injury.

“I know your struggling bunny, but I need you to do this for me, I need you to try. If you can’t keep yourself alive then I will fight every single day for you. Suicide is not the answer for you, you have too good of a life ahead for suicide to be your last chapter.”

Leah often reflected, often prayed that maybe, for whatever reason some things were just meant to be, even when they sucked. Maybe, just maybe, life wasn’t supposed to be easy for you. Maybe you were one of the rare few who could handle tough times and still come out on the other end as a loving person. Maybe it was all falling into place because you are a strong person, you are having this experience for the good of yourself. Maybe it’s gods twisted way of loving you, pushing you through the hard times so you can see the good in life. Maybe for you, this is growth, pain is becoming the new normal. Maybe just giving your all was enough, or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe Leah made up things to make her life easier.

She reached her hands up to the loose hair strands that had fallen in front of your eyes, pushing them back behind your ears so you were forced to look at her dead on.

“How bad is it bunny, is it bad enough that you can’t just try your hardest for me?”

You bit down hard on your lip, contemplating the question silently in your head as Leah awaited your response. You stayed silent for a little while, the only sign you were still alive being your eyes blinking every once a while and your chest rising steadily.

“I’ll try.”

The words were pieces, like chunks of oranges sliced up and scattered across a chopping board, and whilst Leah didn’t exactly hear them she managed to put all the pieces together in her brain.

“I love you.”

Her words came out as one big breath. To Leah, you were as important as oxygen, without you she died as well, your contagious laugh and sparkly eyes were what got her through the rough days and nights and she couldn’t even imagine what life would look like waking up without you.

“I love you more.”

Leah smiled at you gently, coaxingly, how you’d look at a injured puppy.

“You could never.”

Leah pulled your body flush against hers, her hand coming up and under your hoodie and coming to rest on top of your heart, the feeling of your organ pumping against her was pure comfort, a luxury that she allowed herself to be granted. She exhaled deeply as she felt the feeling of your blood being pumped all over your body, to your little toes and your tiny hands.

She knew life right now sucked for you, knew just how much a acl injury made you question every single part of your life, but that didn’t matter to her, what mattered was that you weee slive, and in her arms, finding solace in her gentle touches and broad body.

You intertwined your legs with hers, wrapping her warm ones around your cold ones and slowly beginning to relax against her, as your emotional revelation began to fade from your brain, your promise to Leah breaking every single thought that had been marinating in your head.

“Go to sleep bunny, I’ve got you, nobody is harming you in my arms, even yourself.”

[rifualk]

On Mental Health and Cosmic Embarrassment

I don't usually make a post in the aftermath of one of my spirals, so I bet most people see some of the vent posts I make, and assume I am just off my meds or something. I am on them but I might not be on the right ones. This is a thing that happens to me sometimes. I have psychotic episodes, where it feels like the things I am saying are completely inconsequential and I genuinely believe no one cares what I'm saying or, worst of all, that it cannot scare anyone that cares about me. I get too tired to fight my intrusive thoughts and I just ride them out. Most of my thoughts are not ones I enjoy having. I have trouble parsing what is real sometimes. For most of my life, out of a kind of primal shame and terror of being perceived or judged, I beat myself into believing that I just roleplayed as a crazy person online because I wanted attention for it, but it finally clicked for me at some point in my 20s that I was, and am, genuinely very mentally ill, maybe in ways that make me not-entirely-functional in the culture I inhabit. Also, I want attention for it.

Life is very embarrassing. I think embarrassment, shame, et al. is probably the most cosmic feeling of them all, because being embarrassed, for me anyway, leads invariably to my OCD extrapolating the embarrassment, no matter how slight, into its natural extreme, becoming a full-blown existential meltdown and often manifesting in some self-punishment. Or a lot of self-punishment. Instead of saying "everyone wants attention, it's not a big deal", my brain will overwhelm me with shame and make me vow to be quieter about the whole thing next time. Good emotions are meant to be expressed, I tell myself, and Bad ones are not. I think it's very unhealthy for people to not express their negative emotions openly. Or maybe I'm psychotic. I mean, I am psychotic. But maybe right now, too.

Ultimately this feeling peaks with the realization - again - that I'm a eukaryote. I live on a spinning ball of stardust in the aftermath of what had to have been a colossal disaster and waste of time. But it happened, and so now there's a bunch of stuff floating around, and some of that stuff started moving for reasons I don't personally understand and the implications of which scare me. And the moving stuff that moved faster got to stay moving longer. And so a chain reaction escalated, and eventually there were very large moving things whose survival adaptations had evolved in such a way that they could conceptualize and communicate complex information about the world around them, but they were also able to conceptualize themselves. This gave them a lot of grief. They wanted very badly for there to be an answer to why they were able to do that. Surely it served some purpose. But we never found one, and here we are.

I don't have a god to turn to. I have tried - earnestly, sincerely, and desperately - to reach out; I never hear back. I don't want to be an atheist, it's heartbreaking. Honestly. I want someone to be up there, or out there. Knowing there isn't, is just... cruel. It's horrifying and it wrenches my heart. Look at us, look how much we're suffering, where the fuck did you go, what the fuck is your problem? Help us!

In spite of everything, I am still not sure what I believe.

Don't you ever just cry about the world? Like, broadly? Don't you ever just have to take off your glasses and wipe the brine from them because you caught a glimpse of what people, as a species, could be capable of? And I get angry at myself, too. What am I doing about it? What even can I do? I can barely hold down a job. I am barely an adult. I am often mired in this feeling. It permeates everything. I'm living in a tragedy - not just my own, but millions and millions of others'. This is a nightmare. It's a nightmare and I'm an embarrassment, and my brain doesn't work right, and I'm living in a terrible reality that is shared by everyone, and yet somehow equally isolating and alienating to all of us. Does it have to be that way? Aren't we all lonely?

When I am spiraling I really do think that the end is near, either for me, or for everyone, or for both. To be fair, my confidence about humanity's future is not promising even when I am at my most sane. But in this kind of emotional place, the stakes are too high for me to care that what I say might come off as upsetting. It is completely overwhelming. I see my life up to this point, and I see how long I've been alive and realize I'm very Not Normal and I look and sound different than everyone around me and I'm an embarrassment. It's embarrassing to exist. It's embarrassing to be transgender, too. It's really, really embarrassing to be mentally ill and fully aware of it all the time. It's shameful. I am ashamed of how my family likely sees me. How my peers see me. I'm just a walking disaster. I feel like this bars me from leading a happy life or finding some success in art - It doesn't seem like you're allowed to be quite this much of a problem and "get away with it", does it? There's a bit of social sanitizing at work there - you are only allowed to be a certain level of messed up and if you pass that you're sort of a pariah. I don't think I've ever done anything pariah-worthy, but I can only see things from the inside of my own head, and there's a lot of unwanted noise in here.

I painted this when I lived in Oregon. I don't know how. I could not do art like this again if asked.

I'm not in a good place, generally-speaking. It could be worse - and it was for a long time- but it's still just not great. There are two reasons for this. One is that I'm very homesick. The other is that I found - and subsequently lost - my twin. But I only want to talk about the first reason right now - I grew attached to the Pacific Northwest in a way I've never really grown attached to any other place. It had a quality that exists nowhere else. It resonated with me immediately and I knew right away from the moment I first set foot there that it was my home. I grew to be a part of it, and it's the only place I felt I somewhat-belonged... I have been away from Oregon for 2 whole years as of next month. I feel like I'm a fish out of water, or a sapling in the wrong soil. I can't and won't say that the place I live currently is a bad place, but it isn't my place, and the disconnect has been maybe the nastiest shock to my system in all my life. Finding the place I loved, and living for over 12 years there, only to be wrenched away from it so suddenly, left a shock on me that I think has yet to surface in my work. I'm excited to see what form it takes when it does. Location is very important to my mental wellbeing, more than I think it is for most people. Maybe I am a plant. It's also very important for my art. I've struggled to find inspiration since I moved here. That said, I've had the very precious opportunity to just work on myself - on my transition, as well as my personal issues. I think I'm getting better, gradually, in some way. I have a job now, at least. So it's not entirely bad. I even grew sunflowers last summer.

Around this time I got banned from twitter, but I don't feel any shame about the reason why because I believe in my message. But it forced me to be a lot less active online for a long time. It also made me lose a lot of support. That's been something I've grappled with a lot these last 2 years - that people really don't like people like me, for reasons that are mostly not our fault. I will likely always be something of an outsider for being who I am now, but I was one before anyway. It's still worth it. I like the person I'm becoming. I feel like only recently did I allow myself to feel this self-love. I was too embarrassed of myself. It took a lot of patience and a lot of de-tangling my self-worth from a lot of trauma. So it's likely I would have needed to go through all of this regardless of where I was.

I still slip up. It's an uphill climb and it's slippery. I like to be transparent about these things. It's a relief - feeling like I need to hide things is my default state and it's lovely to just let go of stuff so I don't need to keep it in my head all the time. I have a lot of hangups still. I get discouraged about my art still - I fear I'll never build myself back up to where I was before, and that there will never be a time when I can really pay the bills with it. Or worse-still, that it just isn't special enough to last. That it isn't remarkable enough to survive after I'm gone. But I think a lot of people who make stuff feel that way, and it's not our fault. There's some relief in that. I'm happy to have even a few people that care about me and my work, and something I've been trying really hard to remember in recent years is to take time to appreciate them. I'm not actually alone. I have a lot of people that love me. I'm not an outsider. I'm very lucky to know the people I do, and I hold a deep regret for all the connections I've let go of because I was just too sick. Deep down I really do wish I could love everyone. I have no ill will towards anyone, not really.

I still don't know what I'm doing. I am just doing my best, I think. I'm really, really tired. I don't want to get any older. I'm scared of the passage of time. My memory is so bad, it feels like time is taken from me without me realizing. I am 33 years old. I do not have 33 years worth of memories. There are huge leaps. Gaps where suddenly I was just older and in more pain. Being adrift in time like this is horrific - one day I will blink, and the present moment may be completely forgotten. It can't go this fast. It just can't. Something has to be wrong. I don't want to die, I don't want to miss out on so much life or be unable to remember it. I don't want to find myself on my deathbed someday way sooner than I think and be unable to string together any kind of coherent thread from my memories. What is it all for? It has to mean something right? Why am I doing anything?

I think I finally understand that love is why. I don't know much more than that. Love is real, and it's the answer. If you find love, don't take it for granted, ever. No love is perfect. Take it with all its flaws. You don't have time to bargain with it. Love like you'll never love again, love like it's your last day alive, love like it will keep you alive forever, because it will. Every year closer to death you get, you will feel the regret of all the times you did not follow your heart. Life is short. I'm finding this out entirely too late. It goes by so fast, and what you have at the end are people and memories of being loved. To be loved is to live forever. It's the thing that connects us to everything else. It's the source and the answer to everything. It makes more sense the older I get. It used to sound cheesy, but I believe it with more sincerity every day.

I kept my last promise to you - there are no new scars on my arms, or bruises on my head or face.

[katz-chow]

Coming from puff puffs blog 🤧🤥 hope you don't mind 😝🙈🙉 ur also totally gaining a new follower..

WHAT ARE YOUR HEADCANONS ON SOAP? 🥰🥰🥰 unless you've already done this before then I am so sorry 😓

relationship with soap headcanons

warnings: sfw, fluff, some angst, relationship arguments, family trauma mentioned, religious trauma, homophobia, bad dad

a/n: my fav cod man is soap so this took my top priority!!! i think about this man a lot, 09 and reboot version. reboot is my fav though, realistically, he's who i would actually get with. here’s all the things i’ve thought about him, there’s probably more tbh… OK OK HERE :))

childhood hcs

johnny soap mactavish comes from a large family of 5 siblings, he's the second oldest. it's elsie, him, blair, callum, and olivia.

growing up in a family of mainly girls got him on that respect women juice. he would always have to make sure his younger siblings are ok and aren't you know, being bullied. his parents were adamant on 2 year age gaps between them all.

his cousin, jack, was an sas operator and that was what made him want to join. they had to call security forces to arrest him out at some point because he kept sneaking in to watch them do stuff lol

elsie left for uni with her bf to live in soho when johnny was 16, the same year he would talk to recruiters around his hometown, driving hours and then getting rejected the same day due to his age

9th grade (year 10) chemistry got him obsessed with stem and its *explosive* results. he aced chemistry and then took advanced chemistry and physics just because he loved it so much

after this, as soon as he turned 18, he went to sign his papers THEN graduated school (he's just like me fr). his mom was so worried for him, especially when her sister told her about the danger that jack would get himself into. in the end, he promised he'll always call her and his siblings

his dad's an ass, hes an alcoholic, a cheater, a *bitch*... he would always take the kids to church on sundays and twisted the religion into a reason for his behavior. claiming that johnny's mom being at home was just "their culture"

she makes a killer shepherd's pie though

always had had some sort of love-hate relationship with the catholic faith. on one hand, it was nice to know there's always at least someone watching out for him, but after hearing the constant belittlement from his father, claiming he wasn't "manly enough" for not willing to give his life up in the service, he started to resent the “all merciful”.

he ended up blaming god for all his faults, letting him take accountability. this especially happened when he got diagnosed with adhd when he was 17, his dad didn’t believe in mental health. his mom was only a bit better about it, they both refused meds for him.

he's bisexual, leans towards women though. found this out after a truth or dare game in junior year (year 12) and some beers in a closet

at one point, callum acccidently let it slip at dinner when johnny had first moved out that he had met a cute guy and their dad screamed and yelled at the whole family, especially their mom, about "raising a fucking whore of a son, dragging the family down to shite"

blair called and told johnny a few days later and johnny rushed his work as quickly as possible and begged his chain of command for a few days off to go back home to his family

his family gets loud…like really loud. there’s 7 people what do you expect?

it gets especially bad when it’s sunday morning and you gotta get 7 people awake and looking their church best for an hour and a half 😔

johnny is the quickest everything there is, which has its downsides too. he could run and swim the fastest in the family, but he was also the quickest eater…meaning he’s on dish washing duty. he’s quick at that too so by the time everyone’s finished, he’s washed all the other dishes that took to make dinner

broke his arm chasing a cat through someone’s yard (he was 14)

had a goat scream and kicked him because he wanted to give it a hug

he got a part time job at a local bakery in 10th grade (year 11). the pay wasn’t much but neither was the work really. olivia, who was 9 at the time, made him promise that he’ll get her a doll to have tea with. her tea set had 4 cups but only one of her, so she must get another one to join her! he kept his promise; he ended up getting three dolls for her

he can make amazing soda bread and brioche loafs now too, still keeps a starter from the owner of the bakery to this day

he had a mountain bicycle that he would take everywhere. had room behind his seat for packages and his backpack, which he would tie down. that thing had such a loud bell too, would ring constantly to “let people know hes coming and get ready”

was terrified of selkies for some reason, always had the window closed and made callum sleep by it while he slept by the door

wasn’t much of a troublemaker, but would get into trouble with his adventurous heart.

got lost in the woods once and after a while of fake courage, he sat down and cried until elsie found him. he was 20 yards (13 meters) away from the clearing 😭😭

laugh at that guys, mf was 15

personality & relationship hcs

johnny is such a fun lover. he’s handsome yeah, but what makes ppl flaunt over him is his humor. he’s what jessica rabbit said “he makes me laugh”

such a charismatic and charming person, gets it from his dad. he could talk about just about anything, also the type to strike up a conversation with a stranger at the grocery store. then end up with their number and a date or helping them dog sit

this isn’t always a good thing though, one time before he was medicated, he would talk on and on, his story becoming incoherent due to the amount of self-interruptions he made, that a group of guys got so annoyed at that pub, they punched him.

he was young, 19, and couldn’t fight, so he didn’t win and came back to the barracks with a nasty black eye

he likes to be the big spoon, has to hold something in order to sleep

feel like he’s the type to wrap his arms around a pillow and lay on his stomach to sleep

speaking of sleeping, he HATES sleeping with socks on. he tried it one day and he just shivered at the feel of it, woke up and his socks were missing (he found them under the bed)

i also feel like he sleeps like a log, unmoving once he finds his comfort, i also think it's because he had to sleep in the same bed as his siblings at one point and he didn't want to wake them by moving, so he got accustomed to being a still sleeper

one time he accidentally got into a fight at a bar when a guy kept being misogynistic and was arrested and kept in jail for the whole night until one of his civilian friends bailed him out

johnny's the type to race you in the rain to the car. again, he's quick so he's always ahead of you but then he slips from the rain and ends up all wet and muddy and in the car.

his favorite thing to do is hear you laugh. he'll do anything to hear you laugh.

whenever you're sad, he'll purposely stub his toe or trip down the stairs or make you kiss his "owie" (a papercut) to get you to cheer up. like yeah it hurts like a fucking bitch but seeing you sad hurts more than a silly tumble

number one date event is city exploring and hopping. like cafe hopping, pub hopping, museum hopping, restaurant hopping, anything that makes you get up and get going with time to sit and chill at the same time.

feels like he can eat a lot, he's the type to eat your food if you end up not liking it or being too full

when he gets home from missions and the initial excitement of seeing you dies down, he also dies down and nap for hours until it's the middle of the night and he gets up to eat something.

he loves naps. feels like he needs a nap time every day if it was possible

he's a very kind lover, he's easy going so its not hard that sometimes people take advantage of this and push his buttons until he can't take it anymore

causes a huge blowup because he can have a nasty temper whenever he bottles stuff up and pushes things aside

not a physical manifestation of anger, but definitely a verbal anger, will say things he doesn't really mean just to say it and realize right after the words leave his lips that he fucked up

but he'll stake out in front of the guest bedroom in which you've locked yourself in until you come out and he gets the chance to forgive you

the type to stand in the rain and hold a sign saying sorry right outside your window, a very cheesy romcom style (gaz made him watch them)

he loves you more than anything and loves you even more than you can keep up with him and laugh at his jokes, no matter how awful they are

he wants 4 kids by the way

[littledigits]

That time when working in animation made me realize I needed therapy

Since we're on the topic of overworking / being passionate in animation and blah blah blah.  I want to share my story about working on the first season of Hilda (for context I was the animation director), specifically..how completely garbo my mental health got because 

I INSISTED ON WORKING MYSELF INTO THE GROUND. 

This is a story I've shared when I've had a chance to do lectures or talks, and if there is one really awesome thing that comes with ..weird ..animation clout, its that you can use those powers for good in terms of teaching people about the BS that comes with the job...anyway.

The reason why I like to talk about this is because I insisted on doing it to myself, and that was really got me thinking about the factors that do lead us into over working. Because heres the deal

Hilda season 1 was, without getting into too many details, a heckofatime...especally for the core crew. we were a small group, doing something new because most of us haven't worked on a show before that included pre production. My entire career up to that point had been working on service work for shows that were created in Burbank, so the new pipeline had a ton of challenges. We did all care, and we all believed in the project SOOOO much. I would tell people not to work over time, because I want my team to leave on time - but I was there...a lot. Leaving the studio by 11pm , working through the weekends..it wasnt an uncommon thing for me. sure , it wasnt all the time, but this stuff spans years sometimes so it went in waves. But whenever the challenges came up, i doubled down. because I super believed in it.

  And the thing was - other people told me to stop. I had a lot of valid concerns given to me by my friends and team members who saw how I was burning myself out at both ends. And I thought like, well , its my *choice*.  Its my chance to have a voice and be creative and try to do something different and we all have to push ourselves and yes its HARD but. THATS HOW YOU DO IT RIGHT? surely if I just make sure I’m the one overworking and my team isn't.. that's fine. 

Well, no, I was immensely effecting my team maybe I wasn’t telling them to work late, but they were seeing me get more and more tired and stay later and later.  I thought they would still approach me for help, or if they struggled. But the issues they had they kept to themselves without wanting to put more on my shoulders. Because they *cared* , just as much as I did ..and we all took more on our shoulders then we should have and there were a lot of things that I could have solved had I fostered a better communication environment.  I became really resentful in my head over the smallest things, I actually saw myself becoming a more hateful person and easily annoyed. I came home every day rambling about the frustrations. Now, let me preface this by saying - my mental state did not only have to do with overworking. I had and have things still to unpack, but the control I had over work and the validation I got from it was a coping mechanism for me. I really didnt think i had any worth as a person outside of this job. It basically was a very nasty cycle that didnt stop until ...well I had gotten so bad I had to.  By the end of the first season I was actually incredibly close to quitting . I was in big anxiety attack territory because I was so worn thin- I had started therapy but eventually moved onto getting medication as well and that was what allowed me to stick it out. ( I have the same therapist and I am on the same meds, it was very hard to do at the time, but i cant imagine my life now without making that choice ). After it was done I was immensely supported by the studio and worked part time as a trainer, which is what i requested to give my brain a break. (Only a few of my closer friends knew how bad I was getting but it was pretty obvious I needed to rest) I'm really proud of the work we did and we keep doing on the show, ..and some other people may have gone through something similar and found it was worth it, but thats not me. I still struggle not to fall back into that mindset, but it helps knowing that if i keep myself out of it , i can help my team out of it, because I know they care about this show just as much as I do. I’m not a martyr, I am a leader, and its up to me to keep myself healthy so I can keep my crew healthy.   I always strive to be better, but i get to decide what that looks like - and for me ..better has nothing to do with the image on the screen. Its got more to do with the experience of the people around me. Readjusting those priorities has helped a lot with keeping my head above water and not add to the pressure that makes it so hard not to get sucked down in the first place.  I do think its good to talk about though , how our passion and language and drive can lead to a lot of us being a part of this cycle. And if theres one good thing about the challenges, its sharing them so at least others can learn faster then you did ;) . take care of yourself friends.

[smolkiwi98]

hi! i'm not sure if youre alright with it and im sorry if youre not, but could you write some non sexual domination with steve or eddie? so its consensual but not really for pleasure. something like reader and him having agreements on things she should and should not do, things she wants to improve but has a hard time with and punishments and maybe she breaks a rule and he gives her a spanking and lots of after care of course. again, sorry if its somthing youre not comfortable with

I'm sorry if this one seems rushed as well! I hope you enjoy!

masterlist

if you want to make a request click here

!WARNING! brief mentions of spanking, one spank is mentioned, depression and anxiety is mentioned, dom/sub dynamic but not in a sexual way! I think that's it.

It was simple. You do certain things and get rewarded for doing those certain things, but those things are so hard to complete no matter how simple they are! Your relationship with Eddie is amazing and what’s great is he’s always there to help no matter what. He wants nothing but the best for you. Which is why the two of you have come to an agreement to bring your dom/sub dynamic out of the bedroom and into normal everyday things. No you weren’t doing spicy things out in public (no matter how many times Eddie jokes about it), you were simply doing what your dom asks. Following tasks…following his rules. Not for sexual pleasure, no. For your well being. Making sure you’re taking care of yourself. 

The rules were simple, but sometimes mentally…it was hard. It was hard to remember to take your meds on time, brush your hair, brush your teeth, wash your hair. These are things you’re supposed to automatically do, like it's nothing! But your anxiety gets in the way. Your depression stops you. You hated it and wanted to better yourself, but no matter how times you’ve tried it just didn’t work. It would last about 3 days and then it would all just stop, so you and Eddie decided on rules and if those rules are broken then you get punished. Again not a sexual thing. A lifestyle to help you. 

“Okay, Princess. What are your tasks for today?” Eddie asks you as he walks to the front door. He had gotten you up and ready for the day while he got ready for work. You followed him around the trailer as he got ready to leave. Finally he turned and looked at you “Sweetheart?” He asked, making you blink, “Oh! Um…Make myself lunch, clean up the living room, and do laundry.” Eddie nodded “Aaaand?” He said, watching you, “Take my meds?” He smiled and nodded “Yup! You’re so smart.” He said while pulling you into a hug “I’ll be back around 6 tonight.” He said while kissing your head “I love you.” He said against your forehead. You smiled and squeezed him a little tighter “I love you too, Eds.” He smiled and kissed you one more time before leaving for work. You smiled and closed the door and turned around to look at the trailer, “This shouldn’t be too bad.” You said to yourself and walked to the room to get the laundry together. 

~ 4 Hours ~

You had separated the laundry and managed to get all the under clothes in the washer, but the only issue is they’ve been in there for about an hour now…maybe longer? The jeans pile and the shirt pile laid on the floor of the living room. The living room wasn’t messy. The only thing to pick up were some cups and empty candy wrappers…which were still on the end tables. The only task you actually got done was taking your medicine and that’s only because Eddie called to make sure you did take them! Your first  mistake was turning on the tv and finding out your favorite movie was on, your second mistake was finding your favorite nail polish on the end table and your third mistake? Convincing yourself all your tasks were done. That’s another problem you have. You find something other things to do and just tell yourself everything on your to-do list was done!

You sat on the coffee table sitting criss crossed while you painted your nails and watched the movie. You were so engulfed by nail painting and the movie that you didn’t realize the door was opening. Eddie walked in and kicked off his boots and looked over at you. He smiled thinking how cute you looked while painting your nails, your tongue was sticking out as you concentrated. He walked a little closer and his smile slowly fell when he saw the two piles of clothes on the floor in front of you and then looked at the end tables and saw the trash still sitting there, “Princess.” He said making you jump. You smiled wide and got up and made your way over to him hugging him tight “I missed you!” You exclaimed while wrapping your arms around him. Eddie hugged you back, but it wasn’t a squeeze that he usually gave you after work. You pulled away and looked up at him frowning “Are you okay?” You asked. Maybe he had a bad day? Eddie took a small step back and crossed his arms “How did your tasks go?” He asked “Oh! I got a load of laundry done and I took my medicine.” You said smiling, completely forgetting about the trash and the other two piles of clothes. Eddie nodded his head “Where’s that load of laundry?” You turned around to point at the laundry basket, but found that it was empty which made you frown, “I thought I put it in the basket.” You said quietly. Eddie bent down a little so he was making eye contact with you and gently took a hold of your face. His thumb and fingers squishing your cheeks “I think you need to take a closer look at the living room, Sweetheart.” He said while turning your head back towards the living room. You looked around and you were confused at first until it clicked. Your eyes widened and you looked back at him ‘The load is still in the washer…” You mumbled. Eddie chuckled almost like he was amazed “Did you even look at the floor? What about the tables? Huh?” He said, “Try again.” He said making you look back. You sighed when you finally saw what he was talking about. How could you be so stupid. You looked down “I didn’t clean the living room and I didn’t finish the laundry.” You said. Eddie did nothing but nod and take your hand and started to walk to the bedroom. 

The small walk to the room had you confused, but once Eddie sat down on the bed man spreading you realized you were going to be punished. A small blush made its way on your cheeks and you played with your fingers “Come on, Princess. You know the drill.” He said while patting his lap. You sighed and slowly made your way across his lap. You put your face in the bed and held onto his thigh. His hand ran up and down thigh, pushing your soft night shorts up so the bottom of your ass peaked out. You shivered, his rings were so cold against your skin, “Now…before I start tell me what you did all day.” He always did this. Made you explain your day so you can figure out what you did wrong and if you lied then your punishment would just be worse. “I…I started the first load of clothes and took my medicine.” He hummed signaling for you to continue “I separated the rest of the clothes. I turned the tv on for background noise and saw that a movie was on…and I also found my nail polish.” You mumbled, “Okay. What was your first mistake?” He asked “I turned the tv on?” You asked “Right. I’ve told you no tv until you finish your tasks.” He said as he stopped rubbing your bottom “I think 10 spanks is good, yeah?” You nodded your head “I won’t make you count this time.” Again you nodded and responded with a quiet ‘okay.’ Eddie brought his hand up and spanked you. You silently thanked him for not going so hard this time, you guessed it was because he didn’t think of the issue as a huge one. 

After the 10 spanks he slowly lifted you up and gently set you down on his lap. Your legs on either side of him making you straddle him “How are you feeling?” He whispered while wiping the small tears that threatened to fall. You sniffed “I’m okay.” You said quietly “Lay on your tummy for me, okay?” He said which you just responded with a nod. You climbed off of him and laid on your tummy. Your bottom hurt, but it wasn’t as bad as his other punishments. You watched as he moved around the room and grabbed different things. Finally he was back by you and spread your legs a little “I’m gonna pull your shorts down, alright Princess.” He always announced what he was doing when you couldn’t see what he was doing, it made you feel safe and it made him more comfortable with you knowing what he was doing. You could hear a cap being opened and already knew he was going to put soothing cream where had spanked you. Even though it wasn’t harsh, the cream still felt nice against your burning skin. You let out a small sigh and closed your eyes as he massaged you.  Every now and then he would leave little kisses on the back of your thighs, “Do you want to wear these shorts or just one of my shirts?” He asked standing up. You sat up and turned around to face him “I kinda wanna wear my shorts until we go to bed.” You said. Eddie nodded and leaned in to give you a small kiss on the lips, “How about you finish the laundry while I cook us some dinner.” He said. You pouted not really wanting to do the laundry right now, but the pout just made Eddie give you a stern look “Okay.” You said and stood up from the bed, but before you could walk out the room Eddie scooped you up and carried you to the living room “Finish the laundry and I might make you a milkshake.” He said while setting you down. 

Well now you had something to work for.

[orisquirrelking]

May I please have p1 dude x reader Headcanons 💕 I love him so much (sob)

Also I'm from the RWS server LOL

P1 dude/reader HCs

I’m not gonna lie to you chief i am writing this in my lecture hall because i have no time otherwise LMAOO

Enjoy !!

——————————-

He’s not very social so the fact that you two even met in the first place is lowkey a miracle. He’ll dwell on this a lot. Were it not for the fact that the two of you were coincidentally at the same grocery store at the same time, he doesn’t think you would’ve ever even have heard of him.

(this is more of a gen headcanon, but) adding on to his antisocial personality, it’s been years since the incident in paradise (however you may interpret it, whether it be just a dream or an actual, physical event,) that lead to his long-term hospitalization at the paradise psychiatric ward. He had been staying there for as long as he can remember, only being released very recently due to medical advancements with medication for mental health issues. It’s not exactly a topic he likes to talk about though he may crack a joke that you’re not sure you can laugh at every once in a while.

Very schedule oriented. When you two began dating it was difficult for him to adjust to having another presence in his life. In the beginning he usually had to host dates at his place, just because he didn’t want to adjust at all. Its a push and pull process but the two of you are working on a more relaxed, healthier schedule.

You’ll notice that he patrols the borders of his house every once in a while. His paranoia can get high and at times he feels unsafe in his home. It’s mostly harmless behavior, and he doesn’t mind if you join him. 

You're going to be subject to a LOT of rambling about his weapons. He's a big collector, doesn't matter if they don't work, as long as they can look pretty. He keeps his “real” firearms and ammunition in safeboxes around his house. If you don't already know, he's teaching you how to use them.

As I've stated in other writings, I think that all of the dudes enjoy physical contact in one way or another. Unlike P2, P1 dude prefers to initiate physical contact and be able to pull away at any time. Don’t get him wrong, he loves physical contact, but he can be overstimulated at times and would prefer to not be in a pissy mood when around you.

When you start getting him to go out, he prefers to be able to go out to somewhere more spacious and more nature oriented, (as stated in the dating HCs.) so he can bring baby Champ with him.

Speaking of Champ, that puppy is his fucking lifeline. I like to think that in this universe Champ is his service dog in training, and is the first thing he received when he left the ward. If you don’t fw Champ, the chances of you two getting together are lower than 0%. On the other hand, nothing brings him more joy than when you’re lazing around at his home together and you start playing with Champ. He thoroughly enjoys it when you help him with Champ’s training, he loves seeing his two favorites get along!

Does not like it when he misses taking his meds. You’re going to have to assure him that missing one dosage isn’t going to erase all of the progress he’s made. Dude would be more on edge on the days when that happens. Sometimes this will lead to a meltdown, and honestly (as somebody who has the same issues that he does,) there really isn’t much you can do except be there for him.

Appreciates everything you do for him and will not hesitate to try to one-up you. You’ve offhandedly bought him food? He’s treating you to dinner. Homemade. Take care of him when he’s sick? Flowers, chocolate, and a day out with Champ. He doesn’t have the most money in the world but he wants to show you that he cares too.

Doesn’t want to seem dependent on anything, so sometimes he might pull away from you. He’s been independent for most of his life, so it hits an insecurity when he thinks he might have been “burdening” you with his issues. He’s not exactly used to being treated with so much kindness.

Overall? Be patient with this man for the love of god. It’ll take him some time to open up and yeah, he’s got his issues, but in the end he’s just a guy trying to make the best of a life full of experiences he never asked for.

[olderthannetfic]

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/744798398911266817/a-question-a-bit-out-of-the-usual-ones-but-do-you?source=share

NB, vagina owner, sensory processing issues haver, took several years of effort to learn to orgasm, heres some tips;

Psychology is a BIG aspect of being able to get off for some people. Some people really need to be 'in the mood' at first. The Need To Be Horny. Really into what they are doing and what they are imagining. You need to be able to let go and lean into the sensation, mentally. Try watching or reading things that turn you on, really wind yourself up for a bit, then ensure you arent going to be interrupted and give it a shot. Really focus on your fantasy, try to really focus on the sensation and don't get sidetracked. It can make a difference for sure. Its why some people can 'cum on command'- the frame of mind is important.

Being used to the sensation you need to lean into can take work. When I first started jerking off it was so intense it 'hurt' because I have sensory processing issues and it was new weird stimulus my brain decided to register stupid, so id slow down or stop or get distracted and not get off. I had to teach my body to accept the feeling and do it in a way that didnt mess with my sensory processing as much (which ironically involved causing a little pain and being a little rough because phsyical-pain isnt severely uncomfortable the way discomfort-pain is). When you are used to it you also relax more and get into the right frame of mind. The feeling like your guts are tensing and building towards something, maybe a hazy sort of liquid fire in your skull going down your spine? Keep chasing that, really focus on it. That means you are heading in the right direction. It took me several years of dedicated kind-of edging before the feeling stopped being so intense it prevented me from making it to the other side.

Try different stuff. You might not like how you are doing things right now. If all youve done is penetration with your fingers, try clitoral. If all you've done is a gentle stroking motion, try a jerk-off motion if you can get your fingers around your clit, or a kinda rough grinding. If you usually keep your body still, try humping the whatever for the heady 'lose yourself in the moment'. If you usually move around, try being still so you dont distract yourself too much from the intensity. If you are always on your back, try your stomach or side or kneeling upright. Toys! Try rubbing different textures on your clit or getting a real toy like a strong vibrator or sucker. Cheap 20$ vibrators can do the job if you need something a bit better than your hands, but you may have to step up for the good intense shit or a fancy vibrating dildo or something. Try different kink stuff you imagine or do or watch like self-ties for bondage or hypno kink audio files* or whatever, try some 'foreplay' (touch your tits or somesuch). Some people like anal also. Figure out what feels nice -what puts you in that tense shivery-hot coiled-spring sorta feeling- and do that- dont just do what you think you 'should' do.

/* For safety prelisten to these in chunks or look at a script to be sure its what you want and always keep scissors near you if you are self-tying to get free if there is issues, do kink safety right dont stick anything up your ass you could lose, etc etc

Finally, some people just cant cum for whatever reason (meds, trauma, etc) and thats ok. So long as you are enjoying the sensation and having fun, you are masturbating 'correctly'.

--

[littlemisslexapro55555]

NFWMB| abby anderson

first time writing for tlou i’m scaruuued be nice to me pls. based on the hozier song, arguably the best song every written.

warnings: death, depictions of gore and trauma, violence, eventual smut but i gotta do my angsty slow burn shabang first, i think that’s it idk this is not at all planned out im j going with it lol

MDNI!!!!

She must be minutes away from death. Seconds. Hell, with the way her ribs were piercing into her abdomen, it was entirely possible that Abby was already dead. She can’t even recall how she got here. It was a routine morning patrol, always deserted except for a lone clicker once in a while. Safe. Boring, even, for someone with a skill set as impressive as Abby’s. She’s in the middle of thinking that maybe it’s that same cocky mentality that got her in this situation in the first place, that maybe if she had been less egotistical and more alert, she would’ve clocked the scar sneaking up behind her with a mallet, and wouldn’t have been so easily overpowered by the scrawny kid who-come to think of it, was probably half her weight and, had she been prepared, she could’ve easily-

“Anderson”

Your blunt voice cuts through her near-death psychosis as the lens flares faded from her vision just enough for Abby to make you out and-oh fuck. It’s you.

“Don’t you dare fucking pass out on me Anderson”

Head medic of the WLF. Sort of a community legend, if you will. You had been dragged into the base two years ago kicking and screaming bloody murder. Since then, you’ve accepted that the base offers you safety you could never get traversing alone in the wild, begrudgingly settling into the quaint timber cottage near the outskirts and taking on a job doing what you did best, nursing. Half the faction would be dead if it weren’t for you, which arguably makes up for the fact that you were a stone cold bitch. It also doesn’t hurt that you’re the prettiest thing the WLF has ever seen.

“I needed new sutures twenty seconds ago if you fuckers wanna keep your heads I better see em on my table within a minute!” You barked, and even through her haze Abby noticed how much power you held, astonished at the terrified faces of all the medics inside the tent as they rushed to complete your request.

“You there?” You snapped back to her paling face, uncharacteristic concern etched in your features as you examined Abby with her face cradled in your palms.

“You’re kinda scary, ya know” is all Abby manages to mumble back, but it’s enough to make you crack a brief smile. It suits you, Abby thinks, and as soon as your face drops back to its usual hardened demeanour as you remove her shirt, she can’t help but miss it

“What, miss top-scar-killer is afraid of a little yelling?” You muse, taking the opportunity as she’s distracted to splash alcohol on her gaping knife wound. She gasps at the searing sensation going through her lower stomach, cringing in pain

“Don’t be such a baby, Anderson, you’re fine” you said, working quickly to stitch up her wound

“What’d y-you, fuck, what’d you call me?” Abby managed to stutter out through gritted teeth, “I’m not a f-fu…not a fucking b-baby”

“Whatever you say” you taunt, knotting the nylon thread and cutting it off cleanly, “go home, you’re done”

“I’m not gonna die?” Abby asks, incredulously. She knew you were good but for a moment she was almost certain she saw the light at the end of the tunnel

“Not today, baby” you call from over your shoulder, already being rushed away to attend to the other wounded soldiers.

That was three days ago. Abby hasn’t seen you since, and it was really taking a toll on her, to say the least. You had crawled into every nook and cranny of her brain, you plagued her every thought, in her wake and through her restless sleep. She doesn’t know how she failed to notice you before. Sure, she’d seen you around, watched you get dragged in through the gates on your first day, brushed past you in the med tent before, sat just a couple tables away in the cafeteria. But still, she had never really seen you. Not until three days ago. And now, you were all Abby could see.

Manny’s incoherent blabber muddles into background noise as Abby watches you, her weights lying forgotten by her feet. You didn’t usually go to the gym after dinner, you liked to go early in the morning, before anyone else got there. You liked the solitude, so you were less than pleased when you were informed that the gym was booked the next morning for a training session, disturbing your workout schedule. On the bright side, the buff brunette’s fixated gaze on you as you finished your last set of pull-ups was doing wondrous things for your ego.

“Dude are you even listening to me?” Manny’s voice rouses Abby out of her daydreaming, shaking her head as if she could dispel the thought of you from her mind

“Yeah, ‘course I am” Abby ensures dismissively, but her gym partner isn’t convinced, following her eye line until it locks on your perspiring form in the near distance

Abby groans as she seems something click in Manny’s brain, a devilish grin unravelling onto his smug face

“Don’t-“ but he cuts off her protests swiftly

“You got yourself a little crush, Abs?” Manny taunts

“Shut up, I do not” Abby denies, not very convincingly, hands fidgeting with the dumbbells in her clutch as she allows her eyes to trail back to your distant figure, “Why does a medic need to be in such good shape?”

“In this world, it cant hurt to have strength on your side” Manny shrugs, not about to let Abby divert the topic, “you sure know how to pick ‘em”

“What does that even mean?” Abby asks, brows furrowed

“You know why she doesn’t patrol anymore?” Manny prompts

“I didn’t know she ever did” Abby remarked with wide eyes

“Over in Cali, where we picked her up from, she had massacred at least half a dozen bandits by herself ” Manny recounted vividly, “the girl’s kill count is crazy, Isaac couldn’t wait to recruit her”

“So why is she working as a medic?” Abby wonders aloud, and Manny shrugs

“No one knows” he concludes vaguely, just in time, as you conclude your workout and head towards the lockers. Manny calls out cheerfully as you pass by the pair, “Looking good there, doc”

The sound of his voice makes you halt momentarily, turning your head around with a small smile, “I told you to drop it with the nickname, Manny”

“Nah, it’s gonna catch on, trust me” Manny waves off as you roll your eyes, “right, Abby?”

At the sound of her name, Abby’s face floods with heat as your gaze locks onto her, growing hotter as she barely manages to stumble out an answer, “uh, yeah, definitely”

“Don’t encourage him” is all you say, still chuckling as you turn and continue your walk out.

The interaction is still on Abby’s mind days later, as fresh as when it first happened. She hasn’t seen you recently, you were always working. As steam swarms around her in the communal shower, Abby is reminded of how the mere sight of your muscles, glistening with sweat as contracted and strained, was enough to color her cheeks red. She’s so caught up in her rumination that she almost doesn’t notice when the door opens and you enter with your shower caddy and towel. Almost. Because besides your usual striking features, one thing about you is exceedingly jarring today, and it’s the blood you’re smothered in, seemingly from head to toe. it smeared onto your face and crusted your hairline, your clothes were dripping red as you peeled them off, first your long sleeve and then your jeans and-oh shit, Abby thinks, you’re almost naked.

“oh my god, are you okay?” Abby questions worriedly, momentarily pausing her shower routine

“Yeah, it’s uh…it’s not mine” you answer casually, wringing the blood out of your clothes before holding them under the shower head to wash them

“Do you need any help? I can-” Abby begins, striding towards you until you recoil from her outstretched hands

“I’m fine, Anderson, take your shower” You remark curtly, and if Abby read into it she might find a little rudeness to it

“Are you sure ‘cuz that looks like-” but Abby didn’t read into it, so she continues on with your warning unnoticed

“I said Im fucking fine” you snarl, eyes glaring and fists tight

“Right. Yeah, I-um, I’m sorry” Abby manages to stammer, walking feebly back to her shower slot and finishing up, handle creaking as she shut the water off. But she’s so shaken up that as she grabs the gauze and begins to wrap her healing wound, her fingers fumble relentlessly, like they had forgotten how to function. After her third failed attempt and another string of hushed curses, her breath catches as she feels you approach her, wordlessly snatching the gauze from her and kneeling down in front of her to be facing her abdomen. You don’t speak. You don’t even look at her as you expertly clean the area off.

“How’s it feeling?” you remark coldly, still refusing to look up at her from where you where kneeled, concentrating on disinfecting the stitches

“I’m really sorry for pushing, I know you said it was fine, and I shouldn’t have-” Abby begins to ramble, partly because she does feel bad and partly because she’s desperate for any distraction that meant she wouldn’t have to think about how close you were to her naked body, shivering and still dripping. Anything to keep her from sighing at the sensation of your delicate fingers as they mended her gash.

“I asked you a question, Anderson” you cut her off, grabbing the gauze and rolling out a small strip, “answer it”

“It feels fine” Abby obliges timidly, wincing as you tugged it a hair too tight

“You’ve been disinfecting it?” you inquire, focused on your work

“Twice a day, like you told me” Abby nods

“Good girl, Anderson” you hum approvingly, leaning in to sever the gauze with your teeth, looking up at her briefly from where you knelt before finishing off the wrapping

To make matters worse for Abby, you then stand up, and you’re facing so closing she could see the steam rolling off your skin. It’s when you start to lean in slowly that Abby begins to panic, feeling her heart pound against her chest as she switched her gaze back and forth from your eyes to your lips. Just as the gap between your mouths is about to close, however, you retract, grabbing the towel sitting behind Abby and handing it to her with a subtle smirk

“Keep it dry, okay?” you instruct, taking joy in seeing Abby trying desperately to regain her composure, “Don’t wanna get it infected, ruins all my hard work”

and Abby knows then, from the twist in her gut to the heat growing lower, just how fucked she is.

[themultifandomgal]

Matt- Meeting Him

My first day as the new trauma surgeon and I'm already late. What a great first impression. I slide into the drivers seat of my car, placing my bag on the front seat I put on my seatbelt and pull off my driveway.

It's winter and so cold in Chicago that I go go turn the heating on, that's when I realise a car is heading straight towards me. Am I on the wrong side of the road? No. It's them. Swerving so I don't have a head on collision I end up rolling down a bank hitting a tree then I black out.

My head is pounding when I come to... not a good sign. I reach up to touch my head and see blood... great I've cut my head open and probably have a concussion. I go to open the car but the door won't budge. I lean over to try the other but I can't reach, my belt is in the way. I try to unbuckle my seat belt but it's stuck. My phone is on the floor where I can't reach. I'm stuck. All I can do is hope that help is on its way and soon, because I'm pretty sure I can smell gas now.

Thankfully I'm not waiting long when I hear sirens so I do the only thing I can think of to get their attention and that's honk my horn. I then see some men in fireman gear stood at the top of the bank. I can relax. I manage to roll down my window when one of the men arrive

"My seatbelt is stuck. I can't open the door" I tell the man

"Ok we're going to get you out of here. Capp get the spreaders. Can you tell me your name?"

"YN YLN. Today was meant to be my first day as the new trauma surgeon at Med"

"Well you sure are going to make one hell of a entrance YN" the fireman jokes with me

"I think I can smell gas"

"Ok. Hang in there. Capp the spreaders now!" He yells and a guy who I'm guessing is called Capp runs down the bank "let's get you out of here"

"What's your name?" I ask

"Severide. Kelly Severide"

That was 2 weeks ago. Im now back at work and feeling a lot better than I did that day so I've baked the firehouse cookies on my day off

"Hey can I help you?"

"Oh errm hi. Is Kelly here? I wanted to drop these off for him and the guys who helped me a few weeks ago"

"Yeah come with me" I follow the man to see Kelly sat at a table with Capp and Cruze who helped me

"Special delivery"

"I just wanted to say thank you for helping me. These are for you guys" I give Kelly the box of biscuits

"You didn't have to"

"Yeah I did. Anyway I best go. I have an appointment to go to"

"You got another car?"

"No" I say quickly "No I'm well it's kinda embarrassing really but..."

"I get it. Want a lift?"

"Oh no I couldn't..."

"It's ok. I'll take her. Gotta go fill up the truck" the man beside me say

"Well there you go. Don't be a stranger YN"

"I won't. Thank you again"

"If I'm giving you a lift I guess you best know who I am. Matt Casey, Lieutenant"

"It's good to meet you Matt. I'm YN. Trauma surgeon"

"Ahhh your YN. Severide was on about you when squad went out that day" Matt helps me into the truck. I take in a deep breath when he closes it the door. I'm ok, everything's ok. I tell myself. Matt opens the door his side and gets in

"You ok? You look pale"

"Yeah. Just since the accident I've struggled with cars and moving vehicles"

"You'll be ok in here. Don't worry" I give Matt a small smile, his presence seams to calm me for some reason

"So where shall I drop you off?"

"At Med"

"Is everything ok?"

"Oh errm yeah. It's with Dr Charles about the errrr the anxiety with driving"

"I see. Well if you ever need a lift anywhere you can call me"

"I don't have your number"

"Yet" Matt gives me a wide smile which makes me laugh

"Isn't it frowned upon to flirt with the people you save?"

"I didn't save you. Severide did"

"Fair enough"

Before I know it I'm outside of Med

"Here" Matt grabs a piece of paper and pen and scribbles something onto it "my number. Phone me if you want picking up"

"Thank you. Seriously thank you" I take his number making a mental note to add it into my phone later. I leave the truck and wave him goodbye before heading into Med for my appointment.

[dissociacrip]

this turned into a long adhd rant whoopsie

it really does suck how people seem to downplay autism and adhd now lol. autism has been reduced to people who can mask and have low support needs and adhd hasn't really changed from its status as a joke.

i don't talk about adhd much but it probably gets in the way of me being able to function just as much, if not more than autism does (in my personal situation) when it comes to mental disability. not showering enough. not cooking. not cleaning my living space properly. forgetting to brush my teeth. dishes sitting in the sink for so long they start getting moldy. only being able to maybe do 1-3 tasks a day maximum because my brain can't organize itself enough to do more than that. difficulty committing to things and being consistent in overarching ways. being late to things a lot. highly impaired verbal recall so i forget things people say to me, forget verbal instructions, etc. on top of the other acutely stressful situations that come with memory and regulating my attention span (e.g. locking my keys in my car or locking myself out of my house when i have a very limited support network to remediate those situations.)

my meds barely touch this stuff for me and i'm not especially inclined to increase the dosage after bordering on psychosis when i was taking 40mg of vyvanse. i've just become so accustomed to living the way that i do (because my case is pretty bad afaik) so i can't just will myself to be another way. any efforts i make to change or be more organized and routine and consistent end up getting dashed away because i just cannot do it lol. my shit just doesn't work. adhd is a massive barrier between me and being a functioning person or being able to take care of myself. i'm pretty sure would still be a "gross" and unpalatable disabled person even if my muscles worked and i didn't have POTS/etc. that also get in the way of my hygiene and the cleanliness of my living space.

that doesn't even go into how other people react to it. a good chunk of physical and verbal abuse i faced from my family as a child was related to my adhd symptoms. i was diagnosed at a young age but my parents "forgot" it happened and it was never addressed otherwise. i got constantly called disgusting for my hygiene problems and was threatened with violence over it (on top of the times where i was actually getting assaulted.) people take my impaired verbal recall and lack of impulse control irt accidentally cutting people off or interrupting them personally, accusing me of not caring enough when it's something that is extremely difficult to be aware of or manage when adhd is a condition that distinctly involves impaired awareness of your own behavior.

so when i see shit like "just set alarms" or anything else that amounts to "you're not trying hard enough" or adhd not very much being a disability, especially when it's coming from other people w/ adhd, it kinda makes me wanna stab things with knives.

sure, it's not the worst condition ever, but just like most other disabilities, the way it affects everyone who is it is different and some are gonna be able to manage it better than others. sure, there a lot of really fucking annoying people (usually able-bodied) w/ adhd on social media that have large platforms and who very often profit from or encourage liberal pop psych bullshit when it comes to adhd, but it's still very much a disability. it can affect hygiene. it can affect employment or otherwise means of earning an income. it can affect our social lives and whether we have a support system. it can affect whether someone can keep their house from getting infested with bugs or mold. it is very much something that causes dysfunction in ways that aren't nearly as cutesy as the little comics you might see on instagram are drawn.

just remember that.

[the-remaining-half]

I think I have finally slowly internalised the fact that motivation is a feeling, an emotion just like any other. It comes and goes as it please.

And well my study schedule cannot change to adjust to my bouts of motivation.

The key for me, I realised, was discipline.

Yes it’s hard and sucky and I hate it. But I do it anyway. Because if I don’t, the regret that I feel later on makes me hate myself. And I fear that regret so much.

So for me its a choice - I can either suffer the pain of discipline or I can suffer the pain of regret. And if I’m going to be in pain anyway, why the heck should I not gain something out of it?

So I sit down to study.

Sure I also add things that will make it easy for me to do that. Because I, I love studying. Once I start, I really really enjoy the subjects I have chosen and the concepts I understand. I love learning.

But for me the really hard part is sitting down to study. So I work on that…

1. I just sit down. On time. With a schedule that I follow everyday so that I exert less mental strength trying to convince myself. I just know its time for me to study if I follow my schedule.

2. I am all about the little things, all about feeling good and in control. So I do that. I make a big and aesthetic affair out of sitting down to study. I prepare myself a snack and get myself something to drink and set my study area and books - I create a visual setup that appeals to me and makes me want to study.

3. I limit how many times I get up. I know people say that our attention span is short and we should use the pomodoro technique, but personally speaking it just does not work for me. I find it hard to get in the study zone but really easy to stay once I am there and concentrating and so taking many breaks actually really distracts me and take me out of my study zone. So I take less breaks and I make sure I already have everything I need with me before I sit down to study so that I do not have to get up.

4. I make the process fun for me. I know my way of studying, my strengths and my weaknesses. So I use them to my advantage. I am a very conceptual learner, I am a visual learner, I am prefer to write things down to slow myself and understand, I prefer my study material in my own language and my own way of explaining, I am a very organised person. I am very bad at memorising random facts that have no logic. So I incorporate all these in my notes - I make my notes very organised and aesthetic notes that help me memorise. I add diagrams and flowcharts of my own explanations. I use mnemonics that relate to me and are easy for me to remember (they are usually jokes that make people thing I have a very broken sense of humour).

5. I do not study in groups. I know again this is very controversial specially for med school but when I am understanding a new topic, I find the presence of people around me very distracting. I prefer to study in my room by myself. On the other hand, once I have studied the topic, I benefit from group discussions. I sit down with my friends and make them understand the topic… this helps them and it helps me. Teaching someone else is a very good way of revising for me and their questions make me think and understand parts I may have missed while studying.

6. I plan what I am going to study the next day, the might before. I put my pen on the first page of the topic or chapter or whatever and shut the book. This way I know I simply have to open my book and get down to study because everything else has been done before. It’s almost like I get rid of my possible excuses before hand. I decrease the resistance.

I feel sitting down and understanding your way of studying is important for this very reason. So that you can make your plan and study accordingly. It decreases so much resistance and makes you so sure of your ways.

It makes me enjoy studying and study better all the way!

[sasusakucoded]

Sasuke: *shows the map* So, instead of this regular path, we will take this instead. *points at the route traversing the forest*

Sakura: Sasuke-kun, can we stop by here? *points at the nearest village*

Sasuke: I don't think so, Sakura. Our mission will be delayed if we enter any of the villages.

Sakura: I see..

Sasuke: Do you need anything from that village?

Sakura: N-No.. I agree, we must take the fastest route.

Sasuke: Okay.

It was a lie. Sakura needed to go to a village with good medical supplies to re-stock her meds. At that time, she was taking Zoloft, a drug used to treat panic attacks, OCD, PTSD, depression, etc. Konoha didn't have any mental health professional during those years, so she and other shinobis who suffered from anxiety and mild depression went to a psychiatrist from another village. Sasuke's absence and their unclear situation before his return were the main causes of her mild depression. The pressure from work to be the best in her field at a young age added to her daily anxiety.

They started their journey again, going faster than before to meet their target date.

Sakura: /thinks/ It's okay, Sakura. One to three days of missing your meds shouldn't be a problem. Besides, you plan to stop taking it permanently right? Just keep going and try to forget it.

Sasuke: Let's take a break?

Sakura: Huh?

Sasuke: I said let's stop and take a break..

Sakura: S-Sure. *keeps going*

Sasuke: *halts* Sakura!

Sakura: *looks back and stops* Oh! S-Sorry.. I didn't hear you.

Sasuke: *goes to her* We have enough shade here. It's a good location.

Sakura: Yeah.

---

Sasuke kept on looking at Sakura because he felt something was different. They had been together for 3 weeks now but this was the first time that she was very quiet.

Sakura: Aw! *touches her head*

Sasuke: Are you okay? What happened?

Sakura: It's.. It's normal, Sasuke-kun.. Brain zap.

Sasuke: Brain zap?

Sakura: *nods* Don't mind me. *fake smiles*

Sasuke: Are we good to go?

Sakura: Yes.

Sasuke: Just tell me when you're tired, okay?

Sakura: Yeah..

They continued running and Sakura felt like she was going to vomit.

Sakura: *stops and coughs while holding her chest*

Sasuke: Sakura! *goes back* Sakura! Hey.. *rubs her back* Do you want water? Maybe we went too early.. You probably haven't digested your food yet.

Sakura: No— It's my— It's my— *coughs and tries to puke but nothing comes out*

Sasuke: Sit down, Sakura. Don't force yourself.

Sakura: No, I'm fine.. Let's keep running. I don't want to delay this..

Sasuke: No, we're not going until you're okay—

Sakura: I won't be okay.. So, let's just continue..

Sasuke: Hey.. *holds her face* What's happening? Please tell me.. I— I want to help.

Sakura: I'm sorry.. I didn't want to be a burden—

Sasuke: You're not. You're.. You're more important than this mission..

Sakura: Sasuke-kun! *starts sobbing*

Sasuke: If you don't want to tell me, it's okay I—

Sakura: I skipped my meds.. I have no meds left.

Sasuke: Meds? *checks his bag* What do you need?

Sakura: *stops him* You don't have them.. They're antidepressants.

Sasuke didn't know that Sakura was suffering from depression. Her happy disposition made him think otherwise.

Sasuke: I'm sorry.. I didn't know you're going through things..

Sakura: It's dumb.. I was worried of the littlest things.. I was worried you were not coming back.. I was scared I won't be as good as Lady Tsunade.. So, I went to a psychiatrist outside The Leaf to seek help. She gave me meds..

Sasuke: Is that the reason why you wanted to stop by a village? You should've told me, Sakura.. Tsk, it's my fault—

Sakura: No.. I thought I'll be fine.. I started taking those meds a week before you came back. I was supposed to withdraw from it but the psychiatrist said it will take me 2 months to see its benefits.

Sasuke: Do you feel better when you take them?

Sakura: Yeah. But I also feel the side effects.. Like right now, the brain zaps I'm getting is crazy. I'm nauseous and my heart is beating so fast.. There's a jarring pain in my head.. I don't know how to make them stop..

Sasuke: *takes out his map* Should we go to the nearest village?

Sakura: They don't have mental clinics there, so I doubt they have available meds.. It's okay, Sasuke-kun—

Sasuke: It's not. You're not well, Sakura. Y-You're different.. I know something is wrong..

Sakura: I told you it's— *palpitates*

Sasuke: Sakura! Sakura!

Sasuke panicked. He didn't know what to do so he just hugged her. He realized how her body was shaking really badly. He stared into her eyes and noticed how lifeless they looked. It worried him so much.

Sakura: I.. I can't.. Breathe. *faints*

Sasuke: Sakura! Sakura!

Sasuke took her to the nearest cave and immediately sent a hawk to Tsunade, Kabuto, and Orochimaru. He received their replies within 2 hours, which frustrated Sasuke because it was too long for him.

Sasuke: Sakura.. Sakura.. You have to eat before you take your meds.

Sakura: *tries to open her eyes* But I don't have—

Sasuke: I wrote a note to the 5th Hokage and she was able to send us some pills. *shows her* Is this correct? Zoloft?

Sakura: Yes! Oh my..

Sasuke: Okay, you have to eat first.. I prepared some sort of tomato soup. Sorry, I know you don't like it—

Sakura: I'll eat it.. I'll eat anything you made..

Sasuke: Okay.. *feeds her* By the way, she has a personal note for you.. *gives a closed mini envelope*

Sakura: *takes out the note and reads it*

Dear Sakura,

Sorry if it took me time to send the pills. You know we don't have them in Konoha, so I had to ask from another place.

I've talked to the psychiatrist. You should still take them until you reach the 2nd month. From there you can stop taking them if you can. I know you're feeling better nowadays with Sasuke by your side. You should know that there's a condition called Serotonin Syndrome. If you're already happy, that means your serotonin levels are high. Which also means you don't need to take meds anymore. Too much serotonin is harmful too.

Once you're available, visit your psychiatrist to make sure that your brain chemicals are balanced. That's all my dear. I hope you'll be okay soon.

Sincerely,

Tsunade

Sasuke: *sees her smiling* Another spoonful, Sakura?

Sakura: *nods*

Sasuke: After this, rest for a bit.. Then when you're ready I'll massage your back.

Sakura: Massage?

Sasuke: Yeah. Orochimaru said it's good for blood flow..

Sakura: Orochimaru? You also wrote to him?

Sasuke: Yes.. And to Kabuto too.. *gives her one pill and a glass of water* Here, Sakura..

Sakura: *takes it* Thanks, Sasuke-kun.. I.. I didn't know you'll understand my situation.. Of all people.. You see.. I've told this to my parents.. They said I'm strong and it's nothing.. Like, I've fought wars.. So, it must be nothing. I tried telling Ino too.. She thought I was joking..

Sasuke: Sakura..

Sakura: I'm just genuinely happy that you understand this. *smiles softly*

Sasuke: Sakura.. Our brain is a major organ.. Just like our heart or our kidney or our liver, our brain can become sick too. And those people who suffer from heart illnesses, you don't tell them it's nothing. You know it's something serious.

Sakura: Sasuke-kun!

Sasuke: I couldn't tell whether I got depressed before, but I know the feeling of extreme loneliness..

Sakura: *smiles* Sasuke-kun..

Sasuke: It was worse than any physical illness.. I couldn't function correctly.. So, I kind of know how you are feeling..

Sakura: *nods*

Sasuke: Ah, Kabuto suggested to play some music to make your brain a bit relaxed.. I chose a song when you were sleeping.. *plays it*

Sakura: *listens* Nothing's really wrong yet.. Nothing's really wrong yet.. Yeah.. That's correct.

Sasuke: Do you like it?

Sakura: Yes!

Sasuke: Okay. Rest here for a bit. I'll get some wood. When I get back, I'll massage your back.

Sakura: Okay.. Um.. Sasuke-kun!

Sasuke: Hm?

Sakura: Thank you..