#of them connecting through similar past traumas and finding comfort in each other

[sighonaraa]

i will always and forever stand by keeley and jamie’s friendship. they make bracelets and have hot chocolate sleepovers and paint each others’ nails and NO i will NOT be silenced. i’m correct

[northopalshore]

🌺💐Union Persona Chart observations pt.2

‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋ ‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋ ‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋ ‧₊ ˚

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Union asteriod (1585)

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Signifies circumstances in which you'll meet your future spouse. It also tells you events or changes that will happen within your life when meeting them. This post only applies to the union persona chart.

Check out part 1 here! Masterlist

🌺 Stellium in 9th house

You could meet them while pursuing higher education like highschool or university, you could also meet them when you move to another state or country, at church or through any means of expanding your knowledge i.e learning a course, a language.

🌺 Chiron (21° sagittarius ) retrograde in 1st house

Both of you could have a very healing effect on eachother's self esteem or body image. Perhaps you will relate over being bullied for your looks or being insecure about it and overcoming that past trauma. You both will add a new perspective into eachother's idea of beauty

🌺 Capricorn 2nd house

You'll meet them when you are financially stable. Could also be when you get a job.

🌺 Neptune (aries/aries°) retrograde in 2nd house

You could meet them while you are working/earning money in a foreign land. You might not be able to see them often because of work. You'll be quite occupied with your own career/making more money i.e prioritising money over seeing eachother as often as you'd like.

🌺 Sun (28° cancer) in leo 9th house

When you first see each other, it could be at a party or event at a nearby town/city.

🌺 Sun conjunct mercury

You could talk a lot with this person the first time you meet. You feel like they get everything that you're saying and you can't help but keep talking to eachother!

Note: if union is in the same house as your sun, it means that the first time you are introduced/heard of your future spouse is the first time you see each other face to face.

🌺 Moon in 11th house

You will feel instantly comfortable with this person. You could feel like you've met this person before, a sense of familiarity or you are familiar with their type of energy i.e having friends with similar vibes.

🌺 Juno retrograde in 1st house

You might not recognise them as your future spouse or even a potential romantic partner at first i.e not after getting to know them on a deeper level. They might not seem like your type at first.

🌺 Pluto retrograde in 12 th house

You might be in a long distance relationship for some time i.e someone is living/ working in another country. You could also move to their place/country after a while.

🌺 Saturn (22° Capricorn ) in cancer 7th house

You could have been single for a long time before you met. Your relationship will be very stable. Both of you will be very responsible towards eachother. It may take a while for your relationship to form however, or there might be an issue because of contracts/work. You might have to act professional around eachother often i.e work with eachother.

🌺 Boda (1°, 13°, 25° aries) in Taurus

They will be the one to propose/ initiate the relationship. However, they may take their time. Often opting to feel out the pros and cons, could feel like forever for them to make a move because of hesitation. You could feel impatient about it too. But, once they do, they will stick by you through everything.

🌺 Venus in 7th house

They will bring a lot of love, balance and beauty into your relationships i.e by being your partner or by handling/closing arguments in your love life/family life/relationships. Maybe resolving the issue of " when are you going to get a partner already?" thrown by family members lol.

🌺 Moon sextile mercury

You will feel very comfortable talking to eachother. You feel like they understand exactly what you mean and where you're coming from.

🌺 Part of fortune (26° taurus) in 3rd house

Your interests, intellect and humour will be highlighted in your connection. You may find that talking to eachother brings a lot of joy into your life. You could also learn a lot from eachother i.e broadening your horizons. They could have siblings that you'll be friends with or they're going to be great friends with your siblings. You/they could feel like an extension of your/their family/ siblings!

🌺 Uranus (5° leo) retrograde in 3rd house

They will change the way you think about what you consider as fun. They will change the way you interact with your siblings. Maybe you'll find yourself hanging out with them more when you're with your partner.

🌺 Groom in 11th house/aquarius°

You'll find yourself talking more with this person online or through the phone. Calling them often, texting more than talking face to face. If you're a woman, this describes your husband.

🌺 Briede (28° cancer) in Taurus 6th house

You may work at home a lot/your home town/country when you meet . You may consider being a stay at home wife when with this person. If you are a man, this describes your wife.

🌺 Neptune sextile pluto

You may share the same fantasies or kinks with this person. You may feel like they are always out of reach from you and you want to bring them closer to you. You'll be comfortable sharing secrets with eachother.

🌺 Neptune sextile groom

You may have fantasies about this person i.e who they are, what they're like. They may live/be at a distance from you.

🌺 Sun conjunct mars

You may have similar goals/drives. Perhaps you share a common interest you wish to pursue. There may be a lot of sexual tension between you at times.

🌺 Jupiter trine Saturn

You'll likely be with this person for a very long time. Your careers may benefit from being together. You are both very loyal to each other.

🌺 Sun trine boda

You'll see each other as marriage material!

🌺 Juno opposite venus

You may not be eachother's usually type of love interest but the more you get to know eachother the more you are attracted/intrigued!

‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋ ‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋ ‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋ ‧₊ ˚

*** disclaimer: entertainment purposes only, reader discretion is advised***

Thank you for reading ⁠♡

@northopalshore

[not-totally-a-wizard]

One thing that I find interesting about jojos is its heavily familial theme surrounding a fairly broken family.

From the very beginning, Jonathan loses his mother, is bullied by his adoptive brother, and is viewed as less favorable by his father. After his death, Erina must raise their child on her own, only for him to pass away and leave her in the same role once again. Joseph doesn't know his mother. Jotaro's father is missing from the story. Josuke is an illegitimate child who reconciles with his absent father. Giorno severs all ties to his family after their abuse. All of them have few family members that are actively in their lives. And yet, they all bear the Joestar curse. They are fighting the battles of their family members that they never knew, simply because they are part of the Joestar family. Their stands manifest at the same time; they are literally connected by fate. All of this culminates in Stone Ocean, as Jotaro, caught up in pursuing the Joestar family problems, neglects his own daughter and takes on the role that his father did when he was a child. Jolyne hated him for not being there, yet always knew he would be there for her. She stole a car. Why did she do that? So he would come save her. "The Joestar family, through their bloodline, have seized victories by drawing strength from honor and courage. However! Your bloodline is also your weakness. Jotaro Kujo, your weakness is your daughter" - this is what Pucci tells him the moment that Jotaro chooses his daughter over the universe. Their familial love is strong, yet distant. They repeat the mistakes of their parents before them. They are struck by tragedy before they can become parents. They can't connect. And yet they'd doom the world for each other.

I think that, in the second continuity, this theme is very literally personified through the rock disease. Before that, we get gut-wrenching lines like "God took the wrong son" from Joestar fathers, before Johnny marries into the Higashikata family. It is the rock disease that leads to Johnny digging up the saints corpse to protect his family. He was willing to go against the entire goal of sbr in order to save his wife, and when his son was afflicted with the same condition, he was willing to lose his life. The rock disease serves as a physical embodiment of the danger that led to the tragedy of the Joestar family. It is literally passed down through the Higashikata family, similar to the way that "destiny" and "fate" were almost inherited by the Joestars. In the Higashikata family, each generation was forced to choose to let their eldest son die, or kill someone in his place. This death and tragedy is inherited, and everyone knows. Norisuke has to live with the fact that his mother died so he could live. He is willing to do the same for his grandson. Jobin's life was heavily influenced by the fact that his mother wouldn't die for him, and it leads him to pursue the same for his son. The Higashikata family has this extreme inherited trauma that they can never truly escape.

The rock disease even reaches the Joestar family, with Holy becoming afflicted with the same condition. Holy, a single mother like her counterpart, also serves as a guiding force of the story. The fact that she rescued Josefumi when his own mother wouldn't is what leads to him helping Kira save her. Even after they become Josuke and lose their own memories, Josuke understands that Holy is his mother. She was such a strong comforting presence in both of his pasts, that even though he cannot remember anything about his life, he understands how important she was to him. In the same way that Joestars inherit their battles and traumas, Josuke inherits his mother's love. He is welcomed into the Higashikata home. He is given a family. And I think that is the true message in all of this. Josuke literally has no connection to his past, much like previous Joestars who are disconnected from their family, yet the efforts that they made still affect him. It is the people that he chooses to surround himself with that matter, as even when presented with Kiyomi, he would rather go to his real family. Family can pass along a great sadness, but family is also the people you choose to surround yourself with. Love transcends fate.

[psychelis-new]

pick a pile: "How do you face your fears together?"

take a breath and choose the photo or number that calls you the most to read about how you and your romantic partner or friend can work together and help each other facing your fears. romantic partner includes: current partner, future spouse/partner, destined person. i needed to add friends as well cause I feel for some of you one of them could be of help as well. thanks @ceyrann / @tuliptic for the suggestion!

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. if you're not called by any pile, let this reading slid as it may not hold messages for you. if you're called by more than one, there may be messages in each of those piles. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. energies can change and readings are based on present ones (as you read); you're always in charge of your life.

(photos found on unsplash)

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1 2 3 4

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pile 1

You or your person may really be an overthinker and be self judging a lot or/and fearing others' judgement. I feel it's more you and your person is gonna help you quiet your mind. You may really hear a lot of voices in your mind, especially when you start overtinking whenever something happens to you (even small things, but ofc it depends on your emotional stability: sometimes even a small thing can take up a big room and it's fne as long as you're willing to not let it take over you but realize it's not the reality of things). Your person will help you ground yourself. They will help you by not letting you overthink too much. They will keep you in the present moment, and help you see things from a different point of view. they will share with you their reality too, which won't be as twisted as yours (cause of past traumas possibly). You have probably grown up in a pretty strict environment, and had to deal with tough situations which made you lose contact with your real self worth. Your person will be able to read inside of you and guide you through it all. As said, they will ground you. It could be that also your person may occasionally end up in the same rut, despite they feel a little more healed or they are gonna take it less deeply than you when you'll be together. It seems you will help each other see the way out thanks to the love that connects you. You will hold each other hand and be together, by each other's side, when you need that the most. You will be encouraging each other. It's gonna feel safe to be open and vulnerable with the other. I am hearing "safe place", you'll br that for each other. You may also fear that someone may come in between you two or actually some people may judge you two being together (this is probably mostly your person, but it doesn't have to). I think that you will help them realize that they only have to be happy for themselves, and do what they need/want for them, and stop caring about the rest of the world and what they think or don't. People will think and judge anyway, why caring so hard? For some of you, you may fear communicating with your person or find blockages of any type (or vice versa), especially at first. But you two will be able to get over it by working together and finding common ground. I am feeling lot of love and respect and appreciation from this bond. Lot of comfort and safety too.

song: you are enough | sleeping at last

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pile 2

I feel you may have some fears similar to pile 1 of not being good enough/deserving (so if you wanna check it please do it), but also.. you really feel crashed by your fears, and these mostly regard you not being able to reach something in your life. You may feel like there are too many things coming in between you and your goals and you let all this take over you. You may feel stuck, you fear not being able to make it. Probably atm you have a lot to do that doesn't depend on your will, or are going through some big stuff... just be patient with yourself. You don't have to make it now, you have time. If right now there's something else going on, it means you need to work on that first. Your success will come. The time to succeed will come. Even if you're losing your hopes. Always believe that you will make it, but also let things develop at the right time: it doesn't have to be now, it doesn't have to be that if you're not seeing any result now you won't ever be able to make it or receive it. Take a breath. I think your person will help you by literally reaching you down the hole you dig yourself by overthinking your situation and seeing your dreams as unreachable and too high above you. Your person may literally lend you a hand and take you out of that rabbit hole, not just by supporting you but also planning with you, helping you physically with all the endeavours you have to deal with. You may also collaborate together on something, maybe an idea you had but you cannot put into practice... they will help you financially or just by supporting you emotionally and materially. They're there to help, let them know how they can do that. Speak to them. Your person seem more stable than you, despite at times they may stress over not being good enough or the "right" person to help you, but they are totally willing to work on this and help you, so they may even just try and get over this fear they have. I kinda feel that they may be able to do anything for you, you're their strenght, even if you don't see it or if you believe you're not strong: you are, you really are and it shows by how you deal with all the things you go through the way you do. You help them get over their fears just by being with them, you give them the reason to not be scared anymore (despite they at times fear losing you). And their will to help you is indeed caused by this need to give you back all you do and did, even unknowingly, for them. It seems you changed them for the better. They have someone and something to fight and live for now.

song: rain song | epik high, colde

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pile 3

This pile's fears are all about emotions. Are you scared of seeing and understand why you feel something? Are you scared of giving names to your fears and insecurities? To your emotions in general? Are you scared of loving freely? Of crying? Of feeling?... of living? It feels like you can only reach to a point and then stop cause it feels too much, too scary, too uncomfortable to reach further. I mean, it's ofc okay, you need to do this only as much as you can, but... you should try to get further, maybe? Only to know yourself a little, to understand what is blocking you and scarying you so much. You don't have to do it alone: this type of trips are tricky, they may hide lot of hidden stuff and it's good to have someone to lean on... I think your person will be this for you. They will help you deal with your emotions. They will totally "wake you up" to your emotions, to life. They seem not scared of digging down inside. But for you it's different.. you may have build up walls to protect yourself cause of past scars and traumas (maybe from your childhood too). They will help you go past them, being more you, more vulnerable. There's nothing wrong in that: it only helps you being more open and creating deeper relationships. Your person won't oblige you ofc, they will always remind you that it's your choice, that you need to decide what you want to do with yourself and your life, that the last word is yours. But I think somehow they will convince you trying to take baby steps into that direction. They'll probably be more extroverted than you, more impulsive, more open, while you're more the opposite (ofc it could be vice versa: your person being the one I just described). This person will help you realize all your boldness inside, that it is not too unsafe to let go sometimes, to live fully, to not fear consequences of actions, to... leave your mind at home? Are you really overthinking this much? :) They'll teach you how to celebrate, to feel fully everything you experience, and not close off to the beauty of it, being a positive or a negative feeling. Your person seems a bit reckless. They may not fear too much, they just wanna experience everything. You may help them gain a balance in this, to not be "too much", and just enjoy but also think about the consequences sometimes: despite it's good to just let go, at times it's also good to know when to stop, when to say "okay, now I had enough of this". I have this feeling you (and them too, probably) may be a loner and/or feel lonely, but in two different ways. I think people at times tend to leave you a little "aside" cause you may seem a bit too serious or blocked. While for them.. it's more on them, they decided to go on their path, and it's okay if others don't care too much about following them. Kinda rebel without a cause.

song: like i do | tracee ellis ross, kelvin harrison jr.

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pile 4

I think you (and your person) may need to work on intimacy. Not just the physical one (despite for many of you it's this one mostly) but the emotional one too. Being emotionally intimate means to be open and vulnerable, not just as in pile 3 but mostly as being able to talk about your darkest parts without fearing being judged (cause there's nothing to be judged for; and if someone does that, it's them projecting themselves on you, not you). As for being physically intimate, you may have past traumas or simply had experienced something that made you feel scared of being touched, not just as for 18+ things but also hugged or caressed by others. This is a scar that needs time and patience to heal. That needs you to be patient and kind with yourself. That asks you to start reconnecting with your body and giving you the physical appreciation you deserve and need. Whatever type it is. Take your time to know yourself, your body, your emotions and how they move in your body. It wasn't on you, it wasn't your fault, whatever happened (or didn't: maybe suddenly people stopped touching you or showing you physical affection. You did nothing wrong. Take time to grieve this, and remind yourself it wasn't on you: it was the other not being able to give you what you needed cause of their own emotional problems, be it just an hug when you were down). Dance, do something you enjoy (anything artistic), move, walk, exercise, paint... realize that you deserve all the intimacy you're going to experience with your person. They will be there to help you too, by working with you and your fears, taking things slow, not rushing anything: if you haven't been in a relationship before, don't worry. They will give you time to get accostumed to them and the whole thing.. it'll feel like you have a buddy, but you can also count on them being there for you and show you that you can be loved and showed this love physically too. You're not awful. You're not awful. You're beautiful. Do not close off to this. Your person will probably fear starting things too fast, of being too impulsive (they may be impulsive at times), they also need time to trust or to be intimate, so it won't be a problem cause of this too. I think you'll be able to work together and follow your own timing. You seem very connected, on the same page, and honestly... despite I am seeing you may both like to take things slow, it may even happen that, for a few, you'll feel so connected you'll jump into something immediately (and yeah again your person's fear... to let go too soon when they actually want to take their time with you, and follow you. They may be more into physical stuff than you and more used to hug and other physical displays, or they will probably be very attracted by you and need to take care of you and touch you/hug you faster than how you may feel like it's okay cause of your trauma). Just try to not be too scared and remember to talk about it all with the other. Emotional intimacy starts with communication. Take your time, nobody is rushing you two. Unless you two are willing to rush things a bit... up to you. And ofc: start slow (holding hands, a hug, a kiss on the cheek...), but start. It's the only way to get over this fear of intimacy and... being touched for something good, which you may have not experienced for a long time now.

song: wonder | shawn mendes

[midnight-glasses]

Could you write headcanons about the intimacy and romantic gestures between Carla and Yui?

I believe I may have written something similar in a previous post, but I feel I can share a few more thoughts about these two. There are some ideas swirling in my mind that need to be expressed in some way, and I hope you'll enjoy It!

TRIGGERS:

Mild sexual innuendos;

Possessive behavior;

Too much cuteness;

Despite their differences and the challenges they face, Carla and Yui find solace and love in each other's arms. Yui's ability to see the good in Carla and her acceptance of all aspects of his personality allow their love grow.

Carla's romantic gestures are a mix of tenderness and dominance. He may surprise Yui with gentle kisses and caresses, expressing his desire for her. At the same time, he may also engage in more intense displays of passion, like biting her neck during moments of heightened intimacy, showing his dual nature.

On rare occasions, Carla takes Yui in his arms and they engage in a slow dance. The world fades away as they sway to an imaginary melody, temporarily lost at this moment. The dance serves as a moment of tenderness and vulnerability between them.

Yui discovers that Carla is surprisingly ticklish in certain spots. She playfully tickles him, causing him to squirm and laugh uncontrollably. It becomes a lighthearted game between them, where Yui tries to find new ticklish spots.

Carla leaves little love notes for Yui to discover, tucked away in unexpected places. They serve as reminders of his affection, whether hidden in her favorite book or slipped into her pocket.

Carla enjoys teasing Yui, bringing her to the edge of pleasure but denying her release. He relishes in her frustration, making her beg for his mercy before finally granting her satisfaction.

Both Carla and Yui share a love for literature and art. They spend hours discussing books, exchanging recommendations, and even delving into deep philosophical conversations. Carla appreciates Yui's intellect and sees her as an equal in intellectual pursuits.

Yui becomes a source of warmth and solace for Carla. While he initially sought her blood as a means of purification, he discovers the emotional healing power of her presence. Carla cherishes their intimate moments, often seeking comfort in her arms and holding her tightly, relishing the warmth she brings to his cold existence.

Despite his pride, Carla finds moments of vulnerability with Yui. He opens up about his past traumas and insecurities, sharing his fears and doubts with her. Yui's acceptance and understanding create a safe space for him to confront his inner demons and grow emotionally.

Carla's possessiveness evolves into a deep emotional bond with Yui. He becomes fiercely loyal and devoted to her, and he values their connection above all else. Carla sees Yui as the one person who truly understands and accepts him, making their relationship a source of strength and stability in his life.

Often, Carla takes Yui to secluded spots where they can enjoy the beauty of the night sky together. They lie in each other's arms, marveling at the stars and sharing whispered secrets under the moonlight. It becomes their special sanctuary, a place where they can escape from the world and be alone together.

Although Carla is not one to express his emotions through words, he surprises Yui with heartfelt love letters on special occasions. In his own eloquent and poetic style, he pours his feelings onto paper, expressing his love, admiration, and gratitude for having her by his side.

Sometimes, the most intimate moments between Carla and Yui are when they simply exist in each other's presence. They find solace in silent companionship, understanding that sometimes nothing needs to be said.

Furthermore, Carla and Yui develop a deep understanding of each other's needs and desires. They can communicate with a mere glance or a subtle touch, conveying their thoughts and emotions without uttering a single word.

Amidst his dominance, Carla also learns the art of gentle kisses. He savors the taste of Yui's lips, conveying his love and adoration through soft and tender kisses. These moments of vulnerability allow him to express his affection in a gentler manner.

Carla discovers the power of his touch to heal Yui's wounds, both physical and emotional. When she's hurt or distressed, he holds her gently, his fingertips tracing comforting patterns on her skin. His touch becomes a source of solace and a reminder that she is safe in his embrace.

When Carla is in his wolf form, Yui finds solace in snuggling against his warm, fur-covered body. She finds comfort in the steady rhythm of his breathing and the thud of his heartbeat, feeling safe and loved in his embrace.

Carla draws luxurious bubble baths for Yui, creating a serene atmosphere of relaxation and indulgence. They bathe together, the warm water soothing their bodies as they enjoy moments of intimacy and vulnerability, sharing whispered conversations in the fragrant steam.

Yui speaks words of affirmation to Carla, showering him with compliments and praise. She recognizes his strengths, both as a person and as a partner, and expresses her admiration openly. Her love language is verbal affirmation.

Carla demonstrates his love for Yui through acts of service. He takes care of practical matters, ensuring her comfort and well-being. From cooking her favorite meals to running errands, his love language is acts of service, showing Yui that he is there for her in practical ways.

Yui provides a listening ear for Carla, offering unwavering support and understanding. She listens attentively to his concerns, fears, and dreams, without judgment.

Carla's dominant nature sometimes clashes with Yui's boundaries. In these instances, they engage in negotiations, where Yui asserts herself and humorously challenges Carla's desires.

Although their relationship has progressed over time, old habits never change. Carla enjoys marking Yui's skin, leaving bites and hickeys.

However, he is not the type of man who likes to expose their intimacy to the public. He prefers to leave his signatures on less revealing areas of Yui's body, such as her belly, chest and back.

Carla's deep voice becomes even more commanding and seductive during their intimate moments. He leans in close to Yui's ear and whispers huskily, his words carrying a mix of dominance and desire. The vibrations of his voice against her skin send shivers down her spine.

He verbally asserts his control by issuing explicit commands that Yui must obey. Alternatively, he may simply talk dirty in a low, authoritative tone, with his voice reverberating through Yui's ears.

All my written content is original, however, I do not claim ownership of the characters depicted. ©2023-Present.

[ryemackerel]

have i said this before?? im gonna say it here right here rn

so i got a lil hc au for dsmp right? ngl its been difficult catching up with canon that my partner and i stemmed so far from it to create our own storyline out of it. :] i love thinking of it as an “ongoing” storyline. instead of things ending the way they did in the canon, it kinda keeps going. and it focuses more on the wholesome relational bonds they all make with each other, healing from their trauma.

for example, sam has grown far BEYOND his warden era. after realizing how much of a toll becoming a guard for the prison was and how little it did for his health, he retired out of it. he tried fixing himself up. especially struggling with insomnia, he’s tried reaching out for help. finding comfort in ponk, bonding with puffy, reconnecting with tommy and tubbo, who he used to be distant from.

tommy has made numerous attempts to move on from his past traumas. he’s found himself coping with making crafts and bracelets, sitting in the grass with tubbo and ranboo, reconnecting with his brother who he’s lost for years up until his revival (haha wilbur ofc), and overally rebuilding himself.

wilbur *especially* has a hugely developed character arc going on. instead of the canon where he comes back revived as a villain willing to finish off what he’s started, he’s come back miserable. after years of rest in limbo, the sudden shock revival has brought to him leaves him lost, unsure how to begin his new life. he’s isolated himself from the ones he used to love, afraid to make connections in fear of being ostracized by them. he suffers from body pain, hearing loss, especially for how long he’s been dead, i can imagine it completely altered his body. this was early revivebur, but to this day he’s been healing from that. <:)

ranboo, quackity, phil, techno, or niki?? i could go on and on about what we’ve changed about em :}

reason i havent talked about this yet is how complex it’s become HGAHSGS!! my partner and i have been building up this lil thing for years from roleplays n crap man. it’s practically expanded so far from the storyline with its own subplots that i cant talk about every little detail we made up? but the best i could do is show little tidbits here and there through my art. :]

in the au, i’d like to think its very similar to the canon in a way that the characters behave, the events play out, and their relationships. the main thing that differs is how we’ve cut off a lot of the aspects that just dont line up with the way we hc em. (examples: we didnt agree with sam’s apathy and aggression in the prison, the infected egg subplot thing, ranboo dying?, and kinda the characters in general permanently dying off, unless they came back revived in some significant way.)

things like lmanburg or doomsday we havent figured out how to include em in the storyline, but if we had to include them, they might be altered just to fit with our hcs. stay tuned for that teehee

its a silly au made by folks that couldnt catch up with the canon! so we just took the dsmp and went “this is ours now” 😁 smiles so evilly

im excited to show this off to the rest of you. youve already gotten peeks of it through my art, but i can’t wait until i can really go in-depth with some of the plots we’ve come up with. :]

[jwzyreviews]

      The title of Erik J. Brown’s debut novel, “All That’s Left In The World,” alone was enough for me to take the risk and place the book in my Amazon shopping cart. I didn’t know what to expect from the novel, as I was ordering a variety of gay-centric books from the web to satisfy my craving for a new hobby outside of doing word searches. After completing two books before diving into this one, I had my expectations set high. After reading about the trials and tribulations of two sets of high school sweethearts, Tim and Ben in “Something Like Summer”, and David and Connor in “Kamikaze Boys'', both acclaimed novels by Jay Bell, I was anticipating similar deep connections I acquired through reading the other novels. After completing ATLITW, I was gifted with so much more. In Erik’s J Brown debut survival gay romance novel, All That’s Left In The World is a well-written, powerful, emotionally-moving novel that anyone of any sexuality should read, with its powerful themes, heart-warming interactions, and its power to keep you wanting more.  

      All That’s Left In The World is a post-apocalyptic novel that takes place in a world where 86% of the earth’s population has been wiped out by a superflu, reminiscent of the real life tragedy that we have come to know as Covid. Erik J. Brown wrote this book about the national lockdown that covid caused the world, so a good deal of this book and its plot is written to reflect those same circumstances. This book tackles the idea of What If, what if our world shared the identical fate of the world written through the book, a wasteland that used to be booming with life and familiarity, before it came to a halt, and eventually crumbled down.  Empty cities and towns, decrepit highways, decaying local and national monuments, and ransacked abandoned grocery stores are settings that are common in this book, further immersing you in the imagery. This idea is expanded upon through the lives of Jamieson and Andrew, the sole survivors of their respective families who first meet when Andrew stumbles upon Jamieson’s cabin in dire need of medical help and a friend after getting his leg caught in a beartrap. Their journey begins at the cabin, where they spend weeks getting to know each other, and discussing how their lives had been before the outbreak took everything they ever knew. After falling victim to robbery from a local gang, their adventure truly begins as they travel up and down the tri-state area, in search of survivors, answers to past traumas, and any form of comfort or familiarity in a world that is so different from the one they were used to.  Another running theme that is heavily promoted in the book is the development of the relationship between Jamieson and Andrew, who over the course of time, find comfort in each other, resulting in a satisfying and emotionally-fulfilling slow burn that pulls at your heartstrings as they learn to not only care for each other, but to protect and love one another in a way that triumphs over any obstacle that they face. 

       One of this novel’s greatest strengths is the writing. The author really is a master of the pen when it comes to utilizing the reader’s sensory system. The background of this world had so much to work with, and the author really did not fail to fill the text with descriptive imagery, thus making the journey that Andrew and Jamieson take feels so much more real when you can imagine yourself in it. When the text gestures to the extreme weather conditions of the east coast, you can feel the heat as if you were walking along with them. You can totally relate to the characters when they need to take a breather after walking for 50 miles, you can understand the almost euphoric feeling of drinking fresh water after walking for days before finally feeling the character’s relief of finding somewhere safe to sleep when darkness began to cover the sky as night arrived. There are certain events that take place in the book that will have you craving to find out what happens, my mind going to the shocked revelation after a no-good local gang raid through Jamie’s cabin. I simply could not put the book down, my nerves rattling through my body as I read the emotions of both main characters, but then the relief settled in when they came on the other side stronger and more resilient than they were in the previous chapter. The writing through this novel is an english professor’s wet dream, and I have to say,  it was justifiable.

            Another aspect of this book that I thoroughly enjoyed was the start, progression and peak of the romance between Jamieson and Andrew. The trauma of their own respective experiences wore on them like a hoodie, and over the course of the book, you grow to appreciate and love them, as a team and on their own. When Jamieson speaks of his life before the superflu, reminiscing on the memories any normal 16 year old would have, hearing him struggle through the retelling of his mom and her responsibility as a medical professional and as a frontline worker to even those last few moments with his mother, you can recognize why Jamieson is a bit more reserved and cautious of his surroundings. Andrew’s character takes charge on providing the comic relief. An avid pop-culture fanatic, one of my favorite running gags of his is his ability to perfectly relay the synopsis of a range of different movies, Miss Congeniality being one of the movies. On the contrary, Andrew is a bit more sensitive, a bit more emotional. He opens up and discusses his family life, his life consisting of his mother and his younger sister, both who were unfortunately taken by the superflu. By the midpoint of the novel, Jamieson and Andrew have begun a nameless situationship, neither one having the balls to admit their unsaid commitment for each other. 

      Despite this, both boys understood one another, and they both acknowledged that even though their initial reason for meeting was far from romantic, they could comfort each other in ways that nobody else could. Whether it be when Andrew would disregard himself and check in with Jamieson and his well being, the way he selflessly tended to him when he thought he needed him. To Jamieson willing to take the initiative of protecting Andrew at any given moment from anything in their path, even if it resulted in a traumatic experience that ended with him acquiring severe and debilitating PTSD.  Even when they know the risks, They’re truly there for each other. The little moments where they teach each other, depend and comfort each other, along with the sexual and romantic tension all lead up to the culmination of their relationship. I was a bit skeptical of the slow burn of their relationship, but in the end, I was overwhelmingly satisfied and thankful that their story went at a slower pace, as it kept the reader on their toes and kept the window open for other elements of the story to take center stage. 

        Completing Erik J. Brown’s Novel, “All That’s Left In the World” was a bittersweet moment. I was truly immersed into the story for the week or two I spent reading this book. There were times where I stayed up until 3am in the morning trying to finish a chapter, knowing that I would not be able to fall asleep peacefully with a cliffhanger! As a writer myself, this is the type of story and writing I aspire to, and I am thankful that this book has such a high re-read value, I could read this book over and over again! The ball was hit out of the park, and I HIGHLY suggest buying this book and setting aside time to really get invested. I would give this book a perfect 10/10!

Rating: 20/20 

1. Story/Plot 5/5

2. Characters/Character Development 5/5

3. Writing 5/5

4. Length/Pacing 5/5

Would I re-read this book? YES.

[moontrinemars]

SHORT HOUSE OVERLAY NOTES

These were just for me, but I figured I'd share them with the class since you never know when they can be helpful. Take gender indications lightly - feel out what resonates with you and don't mind the labels as much. The terms are for convenience. As always, I recommend checking both western and vedic placements. My disclaimer is in my bio.

🎁 2nd House overlays are the gift-giving overlays, especially the moon. A’s Moon in B’s 2nd house will make B’s gifts tailored to A perfectly, B understands what makes A who they are and how to make them feel seen, and A’s gifts to B will be chosen with great care and attention, and full of sentimental value.

🎲 Pholus in the houses indicates where you’re likely to 'discover’ each other - or where you’re likely to ‘click’. A’s Pholus in B’s 11th house signifies A finding B in a community setting, a gathering of some sort. A’s Pholus in B’s 8th house might mean B is in the wake of a trauma when their relationship starts.

🎯 Platonic 5th House overlays are all about connecting through shared hobbies and interests, or it might be a child that brings you together. The experience of joy and self expression are central in the dynamic - with malefic placements, this turns restrictive.

🎯 Non-platonic 5th House overlays are immediately sexual - an overlay that can jumpstart one night stands. This doesn’t mean 5th House overlays aren’t for long term relationships - it’s a solid overlay for couples that want to start a family.

🤝 Mutual house overlays are the pinnacle of game recognize game, especially if the planet is in their native house. I’ve got a friend with whom I share mutual Moon in 4th overlays and it’s honestly shocking how quickly we were able to get a read on each other and become comfortable with vulnerable topics.

🏚 Moon in 4th overlays can be insanely magnetic and deeply comforting, especially for those with troubled pasts. The moon person makes the house person nostalgic and the house person inspires and validates the moon person.

🏚 However, the moon person treats the house person as a sanctuary rather than an equal, and may take them for granted, and the house person is quick to unfairly lump the moon person in with whatever hurts the house person has suffered in the past.

🏚 Moon-4th is also an overlay you’ll often see in synastry charts with artists and creators whose stories resonate with you. (Listen, I just love this placement, okay?)

🏚 There are similar effects when the moon is substituted with the 4th lord.

👩‍👧 Mother’s moon in daughter’s 10th house = mommy issues placement. Mother’s nurturing is expressed as discipline and daughter allows mother to dictate her potential.

👨‍👧 Father’s moon in daughter’s 10th house = daddy’s girl placement. Father sees potential in daughter, but provides a safe sanctuary within the realm of ambition.

👨‍👩‍👧 Both give that I support you in your endeavors energy, but the effects of the 10th house on the mother’s moon, which is already maternally aligned, are more obvious and jarring, whereas the father’s 10th house, being intrinsically paternal, gets notably softer with a lunar resident.

🕳 Asteroid Lacks [359426] in a natal chart indicates where we risk never feeling satisfied, whether due to resignation and giving up, or due to our standards constantly changing or raising. In a synastry chart Lacks can symbolize where we never feel like we’re getting enough from them.

🕳 A’s Lacks in B’s 11th indicates feeling a lack of mutual understanding and friendship, but it may also mean A sees B as lacking social awareness, or even as being unambitious. A’s Lacks in B’s 8th implies that A feels B’s absence intimately - this might mean A finds B to be too surface-level, or self-involved, or it might mean A feels that B is never around for the ‘hard times’.

✂️ Asteroid Split [12512] can reveal where either subject thinks a relationship went wrong, or how it ended. A good object to check for estranged family, friends you’ve lost touch with, and yeah, exes, especially divorces.

✂️ For example, A’s Split in B’s 9th might mean that the two lose touch when one of them moves away - particularly that A sees the relocation as the bell’s toll for their relationship. It could also signify A pulling away due to B’s faith or lack thereof. I’ve seen more than one 9th House Split overlays for couples and friends who lost touch during college.

Most of these are pretty basic but it’s worth having them written down. Feel free to ask if you need clarification, or speak up if you think something deserves to be expanded on. If you disagree, totally cool to discuss as well.

[blacksunscorpio]

Astro Musings No. 10

Prominent Lilith…

in a chart  can be found in people who work in areas like defending the rights of women, refugees, the under-privileged; in international law, in war zones, in women’s refuges. These individuals are gutsy advocates, activists... typically the people who experience the darker side of humanity and as a result, know the truth about it. The truth the general population would like to sweep under the rug. You’ll see this feminine energy surrounding the dishonored, rejected and abused. One who feasts on a never ending sampler of the deepest ends of the emotional spectrum; rage, grief, all forms of toxicity, past-life and trans-generational residues and influences, conception/in-utero/birth traumas. This where the “curse” label comes in, as anyone with strong Lilith positions is a carrier of the same, the accumulation of off all these attributes. She will be a receptor of it as well as a deliverer. She will also use it to her advantage and can become someone quite feared and respected.

Prominent Lilith in a man’s chart will usually indicate that he will act out Lilith’s issues through a partner or project Lilith’s issues onto them. There are likely to be issues with the mother. Very similar to a Moon in Scorpio in a man’s chart or moon in the 8th. He may also attract partners who are very strong in their femininity and the quintessential “man-eater”.

Those with Saturn in Capricorn

Will usually find themselves being the ambitious types-especially regarding school or their career. Saturn is discipline and in its element in Capricorn [ruled by Saturn]. 

12th House Stelliums in Synastry or Composite

Can indicate a spiritual-like connection. A deep emotional connection with a ton of emotional involvement. Very likely two people ill appear in each other’s dreams. May even indicate a telepathic connection with heavy Neptunian house influence. However it can also indicate undoing by either one of the natives to the other. In addition, it can indicate a relationship that has hidden aspects. Often this is seen in relationships that are forbidden or forced to be kept secret in some way. Be careful with unrequited love here as well as deception. Heavy 12th House has this nasty knack for making those with it’s influence feel euphoric and even dreamy but it can be hard to ascertain where things are working for or against you. Asteroid Aphrodite Touching the Moon

Will accentuate a native’s beauty and sensuality. Their emotional expression will be seen as “beautiful” by others. This is a common placement found in actresses and even models. If in the 1st house this will be quite akin to having Venus [Aphrodite’s Roman counterpart] on the ascendant. If in the 5th house, a native might find themselves having frequent casual flings that will be catalyzed by someone being attracted to their physical appearance.

Placement found in “Sex workers” Will often be

Venus or Mars in the 10th, 6th, or 2nd

Pluto or Scorpio on the Midheaven

Uranus in the 2nd 6th or 10th [Uranus equates things that are unconventional and rebellious. It also rules the ‘Avant Garde’. On a career or Money house this can indicate one who makes money or has an unconventional career]

Mars in Aquarius [Pornographic actor James Deen has this placement]

Mars in the 8th

Mars touching Neptune [Neptune can indicate fantasy/illusion/acting + Mars = sex]

MARS IN CAPRICORN [Actress Sasha Gray has this placement]

Venus aspecting Mars Lilith and/or Pluto

Venus in the 8th

Dominant Lilith

Strong Asteroid Eros [433], Nymphe [875], Lust [4386]. or Priapus[H22]

Mars in Scorpio

Those with Mars in Pisces

Are quite passive with their aggression. They do not like conflict and typically hate drama but some can find themselves being subversive in their tactics. If badly aspected this can indicate cowardice or one who resorts to manipulative in order to assert their will.

“Sister Signs”

Such as Taurus and Scorpio, Leo and Aquarius, Aries is opposite to Libra, and Cancer to Capricorn are opposite each other yes but they are considered “Sisters” because of the way in which they balance each other out There is always give and take. Taurus is practical and down to earth while Scorpio is existential, Aries sets things off while Libra diplomatizes, Cancer feels and nurtures while Capricorn executes. Moon in the 8th House can indeed make someone think of sex often. 8th house is ruled by Pluto/Scorpio and the house that rules sex and the Moon is one, if not the most receptive point in the natal horoscope. As a result, a native with this placement may find themselves immersed in 8th house thoughts

Jupiter in the 8th House I’ve mentioned before in a man’s chart can indicate one who is well endowed [BDE]. In a woman’s chart it can be an indicator of one who is OVER sexed. The highest sex drives live here because Jupiter EXPANDS. Mars in this house is also a pretty powerful contender. 

Gaslighting...

In astrology, despite common misconception isn’t always a Plutonic attribute but a NEPTUNIAN one. Though Pluto is a master tactician and can often probe to the deepest levels of the psyche, Neptune can downright pull the wool over one’s eyes. Neptune rules confusion, illusion, deception and trickery [as can Mercury]. If there is someone in your life that has a nasty habit of this [natally or in synastry] check to see if

Neptune is aspecting Nessus

Neptune squaring/opposing Mars

Neptune squaring/opposing Mercury [Decepion/mind]

Neptune squaring/opposing Moon [Deception/Feelings]

Neptune squaring/Opposing.conjunct Nessus [Deception/abuse]

Neptune squaring/IOpposing Pluto

Neptune squaring/opposing Sado [Deception/perversion/abuse]

Neptune squaring/opposing asteroid Psyche No. 16 [Deception/Mind/innerworld]

Piscean influence or 12th House influence debilitated/afflicted.

Ladies and and Gentlemen, If you find yourself attracting predatory creepers who happen to be in the older age range...

This is likely due to some sort of Capricorn or Saturn placement touching your Venus. Saturn represents the “father figure” and when touching a receptive sexual/feminine planet like Venus, older men may prey on you. This is especially likely if there is a cross aspect to Pluto which adds obsession.

Moon/Saturn

in hard aspect can be an indicator as well.

Priapus touching Venus with Saturn

in the mix can indicate these older men will do anything to fuck you. Priapus is wild sexual abandon and need to merge [but the male version, he’s Lilith’s counterpart].

5th House Stellium with Saturn in the Mix

or a 5th house in Capricorn can indicate feeling restricted in the area of fun. 5th house is naturally ruled by Leo/the Sun and is the are of life that rules leisure, enjoyment, children/childhood, casual relationships [often of the sexual variety]. When Saturn is here, he can restrict or add a touch of maturity to the aforementioned areas. This could be the person who had to grow up faster than everyone else for whatever reason. This can also be the person who feels blocked from innocent expression of love and therefore they can be terrified of committing. They can be socially reserved, shy, awkward and/or naturally distant even if they deeply crave relationships. People can misjudge their temperament for indifference or coldness but in reality they can’t help it. This is not to say that they will never become emotionally/romantically involved, but more so it may take a longer time than others. Having benefics in said house can help combat the effect of Saturn [depending on harmonious or challenging aspects.]

When Jupiter is transiting one of your angles...

This is Usually an indicator of a lucky break and or windfall. Even more so if Uranus is in harmonious aspect to said angle. The luck can come out of the blue.

If aspecting the 10th, this can mean lucky break in the career.

 The 4th, Perhaps a lucky break in family or even a pregnancy. 

The 8th a lucky inheritance from a family member. 

7th, Luck in love.

Malefic Uranus in Natal or Synastry 

can indicate where one feels abandoned. Uranus is about “sudden breaks” so often if it is touching 4th, Sun, or moon it can indicate someone whose family has been plagued with Divorce. I often seen Sun inconjunct or square Uranus in charts of people whose father was absent or split from life right away. Moon in hard aspect to Uranus can be an indicator of an absentee mother. 

Composite Charts with Stelliums

Indicate that the planets and houses will be integral parts of the relationship

1st House stelliums indicate that the couple’s image and personalities will be significantly affected. All 1st house dealings will be accentuated. This will be a karmic relationship.

2nd House stelliums indicate the couple will be very concerned with material values or even quite possessive of each other. They may make money together. Gift giving can be a big factor in the relationship. Careful for neptune here as it can indicate “stealing” of resources.

8th House stelliums indicate the relationship will center around sex/obsession's and/or even marriage since this house is the life/death house. Karmic tie. 

4th House stellium indicate family, security and comfort will be paramount If Jupiter is here, they may have [many] children together.

10th House stellium can indicate a power couple or two people’s relationship that center around their careers. They may be talked about or subject of gossip only because their relationship is akin to celebrity to others.

3rd House Stelliums in Sagittarius 

Will usually be one who is verbose. They have a LOT to say and since the 3rd house is ruled by mercury, planet of communication and Sagittarius is a fire sign ruled by expansive Jupiter, one is always seeking to expand their mode of thought. They may have a knack for languages. These are also the people who will do well if they travel abroad for school. The classic “shipping you off to boarding school in Switzerland” aspect. Very Philosophical thinkers here. Akin to having a Mercury in Sagittarius.

Pluto touching the MC in Synastry

Can mean that the Pluto person can transform [for better or worse] the Midheaven person’s public persona, career, or reputation. For example, Brad Pitt’s Pluto is forming a harmonious aspect to Angelina Jolie’s Midheaven and she went from being the bad girl/outcast of Hollywood to gaining Pitt’s social capital the moment they got together. Her popularity increased exponentially because of him. She was more accepted due to her association with him in Hollywood inner-circles than she was before when acting out her aloof, devil-may-care, vile-of-blood sporting days.

Planets in your 1st House

Can influence your appearance just like your rising can. So even if you are a Scorpio rising, your Sun in your 1st house can make you shine despite the dark Plutonic influence on your ascendant. Aries rising’s are typically on the shorter and stockier side but with Jupiter in the 1st it can make one Tall and Muscular. Capricorn risings with Venus in the 1st Can have RBF yes, but with Venusian influence can have a sort of Cold Beauty. Leo Rising’s with Saturn in the 1st can have a regal aura but a very stern or austere appearance. Virgo Risings with Mars in the 1st Can often be very graceful. The structure and detail of Virgo with the athleticism of Mars are working together Ballerina’s/Dancers often have this placement.

Sagittarius on the 7th house/DSC Cusp or Sagittarian influence on Venus or 4th House can indicate marrying someone outside of your culture.

Minor Planet/Asteroid Pallas in the 3rd or touching Mercury can indicate a writer or someone who is quick witted and ambitious regarding intellect.

Positives for Venus in the 12th 

typically a knack for knowing how to love others. One see’s the hidden parts of others that they do not show. These are the people who wind up having complete strangers spill their guts to them because others unconsciously sense that this person is naturally sympathetic and an empath, Strong empathetic ability here. In addition They’ll attract people from all walks of life. Very go with the flow people. Easy to get along with. 

A square Between Saturn and Neptune in Synastry

Often means the Saturn person can restrict the dreaminess and idealism of Neptune. Saturn wants Neptune to come back down to earth and will often call Neptune out without reservation if they catch them being less than honest. Neptune may feel stifled and unable to express their idealistic nature with Saturn’s rigidity involved.

CEO Placements

Strong Cardinal Energy/Dominant Cardinal Modality in the Chart

Leo Midheaven/Strong Leonine Influence in the chart/angles

Taurus Midheaven

Mars/Aries Midheaven [Bill Gates has this Placement]

Capricorn/Saturn Midheaven [Jeff Bezos has this placement]

10th House Stelliums

Capricorn Risings

Scorpio Sun

Saturn in Scorpio

Saturn in Capricorn [Warren Buffet Has this Placement]

Earth Placements on the Angles

North Node influenced by Jupiter

Saturn, Mars, Pluto, or Jupiter as the Most elevated Planet

Hate to Break it To You

But if your North Node or Your Partner’s North node is squaring many Planets in synastry, this indicates a bit of an “uphill battle” regarding the relationship. The life purposes of two people are at odds. Though there can be tons of passion involved, two people can either encourage each other’s bad habits [usually the case with Jupiter] or Commitment may never be solidified [Uranus]. Venus squaring the north Node can indicate pain regarding love or just two people who may never get a chance to tell each other how they really feel. 

Those with Venus in Aries

Can be quite selfish in love. Aries is ruled by Mars, ruler of the 1st house that is all about the “I”. As a result, one’s loving style can be very egoic. These are usually the Takers in the relationship. They may find balance with someone who has Libran placements on their sexual planets but the give and take can feel unequal if Venus in Aries isn’t careful. Adversely, those with Venus in Libra or Mars in Libra need to take care to not be noodle-backs in romance. Love doesn’t always mean self-sacrifice or running yourself dry. It’s natural for those with these placement to appreciate reciprocity in relationships. After all, Libra is the scales. Balance. If you see that you are giving more than you are receiving, don’t be afraid to draw a boundary and set things straight with whomever might be taking advantage.

A positive for Venus in Aries is there decisiveness in romance, however. They know what they want and aren’t afraid to cut the fat if someone is not meeting their expectations. Rarely will you see this person suffering from self-worth issues. These are ferocious flirts. The kind of person who will ask you out first.

Strengths of Mercury as the Most Elevated Planet

Mensa Level IQ

Inventive

Witty

Quick

Agile

Dexterity

Easy Reading Comprehension

Excellent Writing Capabilities

Fine tuned to detail

Orderly

Funny [especially if Jupiter is touching]

Nessus in Capricorn

Can mean Dad was abusive or some Dominant parental figure could be/could’ve been a big source of Pain. in the 9th they could have demonstrated this by forcing the native to take up a belief system or secondary education that matched their values as opposed to the natives. Work can also be a source of abuse here or these natives can work themselves to death.

Sado in Gemini

 can mean one who can hurt with their words or can mentally abusive someone.

Those with Mercury in Earth Signs [Cap, Virgo, Taurus]

Find it VERY difficult to accept facts or figures without evidence. These are the skeptics. The ones who need proof. One who has this placement may think your love for conspiracy theories, or belief in ghosts is silly. 

Love Languages for the Signs are:

Aries-

Physical Touch/Words of affirmation. Mars is Masculine/Yang in nature. Code? Regardless of gender/orientation subscription- they loooooove their ego stroked. They love the fire stoked and are the ultimate Hype Men/Women. In their personal and public lives. The two languages work in tandem with Aries’ basic needs. You know an Aries loves you if they are cheering you on or giving you a headlock hug. They feel appreciated if this is reciprocated.

Taurus- Receiving Gifts. Taurus is ruled by Venus which rules the 2nd house of Money and Values. As a result, buying shit for a Taurus or showering them with expensive gits reaffirms the sentiment of love for them. They’ll often do the same.

Gemini- Words of Affirmation. This Chatty Sign loves to converse. They feel good when they’re able to socialize and exchange ideas. The sapiosexuals of the zodiac. As a result, words of affirmation tend to be their favorite mode of romantic/platonic expression. Giving or receiving. 

Cancer-  Acts of Service. Cancer is the sign of nurturing. Ruled by the moon, the celestial “mother” these natives don’t feel good if they’re not able to care for something or someone [no matter their hard exterior]. 

Leo- Physical Touch/Words of Affirmation. You’re doing it wrong if you’re not physically loving on a Leo or Telling them they’re awesome. Leo’s LOOOOOOVVEEE their ego stroke. It’s a fire sign thing. Plus, being the Lion’s they are, they need to feel that they are being recognized/worshipped. As a result, positive verbal reinforcement followed by a kiss or a hug usually does the trick for these natives.

Virgo- Acts of Service/Words of Affirmation. Virgo is mercury minded. Hence they work quite cerebrally. They need to HEAR you tell them something. Be it feelings, how they’re doing well, etc. However they are an earth sign that’s ruled by the 6th House of work and routine. You’ll find coaches, trainers, med professionals etc., here. Hence, acts of service tends to be a very Virgo-esque expression of love.

Libra- Gift Giving/Receiving/ Acts of service. Libra’s are also ruled by Taurus which rules the material/luxury. Their love of the finer things- often aesthetically pleasing aspects in life can be hit or miss for some, as it can appear superficial at a surface level. However, they, being a more passive sign love demonstrating their love by pleasing others. Keeping things charming, chill and agreeable. Venus also likes indulgence. This is why swag coming in or going out from/to a Libra  is appreciated. 

Scorpio- Physical Touch/Quality Time. Scorpios are ruled by Mars [planet of Sex] and Pluto [Planet of sex] lol. They’re also a water sign that’s honorary fire thanks to being co ruled by mars [Aries’ ruler]. As a result, these hard-shelled arachnids appreciate physical expressions of love. As opposed to intercourse, a Scorpio is satisfied with things as simple as hand holding, to a simple kiss on the cheek. Pluto likes to merge. Scorpio is also a water and 8th house is very binding on a life and death level. The most precious resource is time and Pluto rules resources. As a result, Scorpio’s enjoy receiving quality/giving time to/from the people they care for.

Sagittarius- Quality Time. Though these globetrotting archers have a hard time staying in one place, you know they love you if they are taking the time to be with you/putting their adventures on pause for you. In addition, they love spending time traveling and going places with those they love.

Capricorn- Gift Giving/Receiving/ Quality Time. These Goats live primarily in the material world so the fruits of their hard labor are the key to demonstrating their love to their loved ones. They also appreciate these things being given to them. Saturn is also father time and the ruler of longevity. Spending time with a Capricorn or them spending time with you is a sure-fire way to know that they give AF. 

Aquarius- Words of Affirmation. These are the big thinkers of the zodiac. So when they are working in their service/socially-minded modes, they appreciate being told that what they do makes a difference and is appreciated. They are also air signs so they primarily work through intellect.

Pisces- Quality Time. These Neptune ruled fish are the empaths of the zodiac. They feel everything so at times it’s important to have someone around to be there for them. That is why Quality time is often big on a Pisceans list for primary methods of affection [giving or receiving]. 

Astro Musings No. 1  Astro Musings No. 2  Astro Musings No. 3  Astro Musings No. 4 Astro Musings No. 5  Astro Musings No. 6 Astro Musings No. 7 Astro Musings No. 8 Astro Musings No. 9

[free--therapy]

More About Dealing with Anger

How to Know When Anger is Getting Out of Control

Anger becomes a problem when it starts to harm you or the people around you.

Signs of anger problems include when:

You find it difficult to avoid expressing anger through unhealthy, unhelpful or destructive behavior such as: - Verbal anger: aggressive shouting, swearing, threats, or name-calling - Physical anger: violence and lashing out, hitting or pushing others, breaking things, punching objects to feel a sense of release - Non-violent or passive anger: ignoring people, sulking, refusing to do tasks or doing them deliberately poorly - Inward anger: hiding your anger, harming yourself, denying yourself your basic needs, saying you hate yourself,

Your anger has a negative impact on your mental and physical health

Anger becomes your go-to emotion, blocking out other feelings

You react quickly and violently to minor issues

You wrongly accuse friends and relatives of disrespecting or lying to you

You consistently have the same arguments with people when reacting to similar triggers each time, without finding new ways to deal with these feelings of anger

You feeling frustrated with your actions during an argument or regretting them instantly after the event

You struggle to compromise or arrive easily at mutual agreements without getting angry

You have problems with expressing emotions in a calm and healthy way

Cycles of bad behaviour may be affecting relationships

Symptoms of An Anger Problem:

Depression, anxiety, paranoia, frustration, lack of sleep, social isolation, headaches, increased blood pressure, heart palpitations, tightened or anxious feelings in the chest area, blushing, sweating, fatigue, substance abuse or addiction.

Anger Management Tips

First, recognize the signs of anger:

heart is beating faster

breathing is quicker

feet are tapping

you're clenching your jaw or fists

a churning feeling in your stomach

tightness in your chest

legs go weak

tense muscles

you feel hot

you have an urge to go to the toilet

sweating, especially your palms

a pounding head

shaking or trembling

dizziness

feeling tense, nervous or unable to relax

feeling guilty

feeling resentful towards other people or situations

you are easily irritated

feeling humiliated

Then, buy yourself some time:

Count to 10 before you react. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything you’ll regret— and allow others involved in the situation to do the same. As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but non confrontational way.

Take a timeout. Take yourself out of the situation by going for a short walk – even if it's just around your block or local area.

Talk to a trusted person who's not connected to the situation, such as a friend, family member, counsellor or peer support group. If you don't feel comfortable talking to someone you know, you can confidentially call the Samaritans 24 hours a day to talk about anything that's upsetting you.

Techniques to Manage your Anger feelings:

Breathe slowly – try to breathe out for longer than you breathe in and focus on each breath as you take it.

Relax your body – if you can feel your body getting tense, try focusing on each part of your body in turn to tense and then relax your muscles.

Try mindfulness techniques – mindfulness can help you to be aware of when you're getting angry and can help calm your body and mind down.

Exercise – try to work off your anger through exercise. Sports like running or boxing can be really helpful for releasing pent up energy.

Use up your energy safely in other ways – this can help relieve some of your angry feelings in a way that doesn't hurt yourself or others. For example, you could try tearing up a newspaper, hitting a pillow or smashing ice cubes in a sink.

Do something to distract yourself mentally or physically – anything that completely changes your situation, thoughts or patterns can help stop your anger escalating. See our positive outlets below.

Identify possible solutions: Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Remind yourself that anger won't fix anything and might only make it worse.

Stick with 'I' statements: To avoid criticizing or placing blame — which might only increase tension — use "I" statements to describe the problem. For example, say, "I'm upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes" instead of "You never do any housework."

Don't hold a grudge: If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation and strengthen your relationship.

Use humor to release tension: Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Use humor to help you face what's making you angry and, possibly, any unrealistic expectations you have for how things should go. Avoid sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse.

Know when to seek help: Seek help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you. - Anger management classes allow you to meet others coping with the same struggles and learn tips and techniques for managing your anger. - Therapy, either group or individual, can be a great way to explore the reasons behind your anger and identify triggers. Therapy can also provide a safe place to practice new skills for expressing anger.

Managing Anger in the Long Term

Explore what’s really behind your anger: is your anger masking other feelings such as embarrassment, hurt, insecurity, shame or vulnerability? Is it stemming from what you learned as a child? Is it a symptom of an underlying health problem such as depression, anxiety, trauma or chronic stress?

Identify your triggers:  Look at your regular routine and try to identify activities, times of day, people, places, or situations that trigger irritable or angry feelings. When you identify your triggers, think about ways to either avoid them or view the situations differently so they don’t make your blood boil.

Negative thought processes that can trigger anger: anger doesn’t always stem directly from external factors. It is caused by how you react to and think about what happens in these instances. Here are common negative thought patterns that can trigger and fuel anger: - Overgeneralizing: For example, using phrases like “He ALWAYS interrupts me” and “NEVER is on time” or “EVERYONE disrespects me. - Obsessing over “shoulds” and “musts”: having a rigid view/structure of the way things should or must go cultivates anger when reality doesn’t line up. - Mind reading and jumping to conclusions: Assuming you “know” what someone else is thinking or feeling—that they intentionally upset you, ignored your wishes, or disrespected you. - Collecting straws: Looking for small things to get upset about, usually while overlooking or blowing past anything positive, and letting these small irritations build and build until you reach the “final straw” and explode, often over something relatively minor. - Blaming. When anything bad happens or something goes wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault. You tell yourself, “life’s not fair,” or blame others for your problems rather than taking responsibility for your own life.

Take care of yourself: taking care of your physical and mental health and wellbeing can help ease tension and diffuse anger problems - Manage stress - Talk to someone you trust - Get enough sleep - Exercise regularly - Be smart about alcohol and drugs

Treatment and Support: Talking Therapy and Counseling - Talk to your doctor or PCP about finding a trained professional (a counselor or psychotherapist) to talking about your problems with

[brighteyedjill]

Why censor a fandom event?

Do the mods for a fandom event have the right to  make restrictions on content? Sure. They’re volunteers running their own event. 

But. Fandom is a culture that we build together. If we were just people enjoying media in our own homes, we would not be a community. But we’re not. We talk to each other, reblog each other’s amazing art, comment on AO3, squee in Discord channels over ideas, and so on. That’s what makes fandom great: we build it collectively. And like any culture, we have some shared norms. For example, since AO3 is a big influence on our culture, tagging has become a cultural norm in fandom. We tag for the “big four” warnings on AO3, and increasingly, tag more and more details of content to help people find what they like and avoid what they don’t. 

Fandom events like Big Bangs shape fandom culture, too, though. They bring together people who might otherwise not know each other, and have a tendency to dominate the fandom conversation for a time. Restrictions in a Big Bang have a chilling effect on content creators. That means that some work will not get written because of these restrictions, and also that people’s opinions towards this kind of content may be influenced on a larger scale. I personally find this unfortunate, as some of the things on the restricted list are things I’ve written about, uh, a lot. But aside from just me, there are larger implications to consider. Read more about the history of strikethrough and content restriction to learn about who is harassed and excluded when fandom culture turns against “questionable” content. 

I posit that restrictions like this are not always The Norm™ in fandom events, nor should they be. In a fandom like the Witcher, whose canon includes everything on the restricted list, most of them graphically, I believe content of a similar nature should be welcome in fandom content. I ran my first Big Bang in 2009, and have participated in half a dozen bangs and reverse bangs since. None of them had content restrictions (here’s an example of a Big Bang without content restrictions that’s been running since 2011). Some Big Bangs do; sometimes this is dependent on the canon content, more often it depends on who has power and influence in the fandom. Here’s a case for why not to include restrictions in future events.

What are these restrictions meant to do?

As I understand it, these restrictions are meant to make things more inclusive by allowing more people to participate. Are they successful in that? It’s possible they allow different people to participate. As with many things, there are competing access needs here. More on that below. But let’s look at what “making things more inclusive” means in practice. 

Problem: We want to allow participation from people who don’t want to come into contact with dark content. 

OK. Let’s help participants avoid coming into contact with dark content if they don’t want to. How might they come into contact with dark content?

1.) People might hear upsetting conversations in Discord chat

Solution: Ask people to post in the appropriate channel. Use a “walk away” rule to encourage people to leave the channel if a conversation comes up that they’re not comfortable with. If you want to go further, you could have people warn for certain topics, or restrict darker topics to a specific channel, though this runs up against a different issue (see below).

2) People might see content in the claims that they don’t like, or don’t want to work on. 

Solution: Usually in a Big Bang the artists look at a list of summaries and tags and choose which fic(s) they’d like to work on. No artist is going to be forced to work on anything they don’t want to. Even artists who enjoy dark content are often illustrating something other than the darkest, most graphic, or most explicit moment of a fic. In a claiming situation, you can have writers tag their fics, just like they would on AO3, to allow artists to filter out content they’re not interested in or that they would find upsetting. 

2.5) We won’t find any artist to work on certain pieces.

Solution: This happens sometimes. You could put out a call for more artist participants, allow artists to claim a second piece if they want, or you may have to tell a creator that there’s not a match for them. That is a bummer, but this happens sometimes, especially in fandoms where writers vastly outnumber artists. But in no scenario will any artist be forced to write for a piece that squicks them. 

3) People might see content in the Big Bang collection that they don’t like. 

Solution: This one’s pretty easy. Tagging. Tagging has been used on AO3 since its inception to help people avoid content they do not want to see. People don’t have to engage with content they don’t want to see if it is properly tagged. 

4) The mods don’t personally want to engage with the content. 

Solution: Find a mod who will, so that mods who don’t want to don’t have to! You can get a volunteer to do this, I guarantee.

5) I want to encourage the creation of lighter or SFW content.

Solution: I get that. Say so! Explain what content you welcome, and phrase what you’re looking for in a positive way (e.g. “We require that content be T rated or below and have a generally positive outlook and an upbeat ending.”) rather than what you don’t want. Be clear, specific, and up front about it, so that you connect with the creators you’re hoping will participate. 

6) I think this content should not exist. 

This is the one I can’t help you with. If the reason you’re banning content is because, consciously or unconsciously, you think that it’s morally reprehensible, or that the people who make it are bad, I do not have a solution to offer. 

Competing Access Needs

I’m not going to get too far into the weeds on how making a list of restricted topics is impossible, because others have addressed this point. No matter what list you come up with, someone out there will find something you failed to list, but that you feel should be restricted. What to do? If they’ve already completed a fic, tell them to leave? Tell them they have to change it? Let it slide? There will be endless questions about what is and isn’t allowed, which is time-consuming and exhausting for mods, and paralyzing for creators. How do I know if this scene is un-graphic enough? Will I need to revise my whole fic? Will I get kicked out entirely if I write the wrong thing? Will some participants get preferential treatment or the benefit of the doubt because of their identities or their connections?

Censorship brings up competing access needs. Someone doesn’t want to see non-con. Someone is writing non-con fic to work through their own trauma. Someone is writing it for other reasons. Can you accommodate all these folks? I would say yes, in the ways detailed above. But when you start restricting content (as in Strikethrough or Boldthrough, discussed in the history link above), you’re not wielding a scalpel. You’re wielding an anvil, and you’re gonna crush things you didn’t mean to crush. Again, check out the history link to see who gets crushed. 

So… what to do?

Do I think people should change the rules for the events they’re running? No (john mulaney we are well past that.gif). As I said, people who are running their own events have the prerogative to restrict them for whatever audience they’re hoping to reach. Questioning fandom practices is not “shitting on” anyone (and hey--no scat allowed). 

What I would really like is for Witcher fandom to have a think about how we want to proceed as a community. What should be the norm? Witcher fandom culture (in its current form, i.e. big) is still relatively young. There can be variation, sure: Discord server vibes vary wildly, for example. But in the big events or activities that we hope will be open to the largest part of the community, how do we want to intentionally foster the maximum amount of great content about our favorite things? There are ways to be inclusive that do not involve censorship, and I believe we should use them. 

[amazinglyegg]

can you do romanced companions reacting to a sole with trauma who flinches when they come near them?

This is a fairly touchy topic, and while I do my research before any of these, if there’s something I got wrong or I’m spreading misinformation about a topic, please tell me!

Fallout 4 companions react: Sole with trauma

Cait: She completely understands, being through similar situations herself. Doesn’t try to reassure you too much as she knows it’s more of a subconscious act than anything, instead she offers to listen to you talk if you ever need to, and she’ll share some of her own stories so you feel less alone. You end up helping each other

Curie: Very patient, she’ll speak quietly and move slowly to calm you, search up as much as she can on trauma responses and then ask you questions to make you as comfortable as possible. If you give the okay to be touched she’ll bring you into a soft, gentle hug where she’ll hum soothingly, and if not she will wrap you up in blankets and bring you whatever you need - food, water, books. She may even read to you

Danse: Despite knowing many soldiers with PTSD, he’s very nervous at first, not wanting to overstep your boundaries. He knows how trauma can impact someone in more ways than one and is willing to adjust to whatever you need. He always makes sure he has direct verbal consent before giving you physical affection, and he counts every time you don’t flinch as a step forward in healing

Deacon: I feel like due to him being often very spastic, he may make the mistake of moving too fast around you quite a bit earlier in the relationship, but once you explain it to him he’s on it. If you have any triggers he’ll memorize them immediately and try to take you out of situations where you may be triggered before you even see it. He needs to go slow when it comes to physical affection as well, after pushing people away for so long, so he’s willing to go at your pace

Hancock: Hancock seems like a very physical guy, but despite that he will always do his best to accommodate you. Makes sure your boundaries are clear and plays within them, if you’re okay with hand-holding he’ll hold your hand all the time, if you just need a warning before being touched he’ll listen. If you’re not comfortable with touch he’s perfectly fine to gaze into your eyes, using jet to make the moment last.

Maccready: He’ll do anything for you, and with his past experiences with relationships he will work with anything you need from him. No touching? That’s alright. Asking first? Perfectly okay. He wants to know your boundaries and will memorize them quickly. If you’re not okay with physical affection he’ll read comics to you, or tell stories as a way to connect.

Nick: He may worry at first that you have some sort of trauma related to synths, a bit self-deprecating, but once you explain your situation he feels silly. He’s right there with you the entire time, and has really good communication. A lot of asking if you or a situation is alright, reminding you that you should be as comfortable as possible. He’ll take you out on a dinner date and let you initiate contact

Piper: Even though she knows the flinching is uncontrollable she’ll still reassure you a lot - “It’s okay, blue”, “It’s just me, I won’t hurt you”. She’ll do a lot of research on the topic and ends up coming up with a communication system for you, such as traffic lights (green, yellow, red). Her gift giving increases tenfold, including comfort food and objects to keep you company. Apologizes a lot if she gestures too fast and you flinch, tries to make it up to you be cooking you meals

Preston: He is so patient. He finds it a miracle he even gets to be with you, and you’ve helped him through so much, he would love to return the favor. Similar to Danse, always asks if somethings okay before he does it, and makes up for physical affection with words of affirmation. He’s the best listener, the type to stay up until 4am listening to you rant until you fall asleep.

X6-88: A lot of verbal comfort, “You’re safe with me”, “I would never let anyone hurt you”, etc. He’s more than okay with the lack of physical contact and will let you choose what you’re okay with and what you’re not. Even if your boundaries change he will take it in stride. He make his movements known to you, and warns you of any triggers if you have any. Very protective of you when out together.

[nessinborderland]

Be Mine (07)

Pairing: Niragi x Reader / Chishiya x Reader

Genre: Smut, Angst, Fluff, Omegaverse

Word Count: 2.8k

Summary: You were able to stay unbounded throughout your life. You didn’t want an Alpha; you didn’t need one. You would rather die than to give yourself to some random male. But the man that saved your life thinks differently.

Warnings: Alpha/Omega, Dubious Consent, Vaginal Sex, Vaginal Fingering, Finger fucking, Rough Sex, Rough Kissing, Unprotected Sex, Creampie, Breeding, Pregnancy Kink, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Drama, Developing Relationship, Past Abuse, Scars, Death, Blood and Gore, Animal Death, Trauma, Bath Sex, Blood and Injury, Oral Sex, Dom/sub Undertones, Feelings

Notes: Here it is! I finally update this fic lol. Better late than never :) Thank you all for being so patient with me and appreciating my other writing endeavors. Means a lot <3

AO3 Link        Masterlist

You spend the rest of the day crying in your room. You still can’t believe he acted like that, especially after the sex you just had. It had felt so free, to just give yourself to him and feel him in you. It felt right, it felt… like he was the one for you. Like you could trust him.

Like you could choose him.

And then he bit you, and it was like a tsunami of messed up emotions came flowing in. It scared you; there’s so much pain and doubt in him. But there is also so much more, things you don’t want to think about. Things you don’t want to see.

You caught a glimpse of his soul, and it is dark as the moonless night. It scared you for a moment. But then he pushed you away and all you could feel in him was fear; he was terrified. You could relate to that; it was all so overwhelming. But then shame and rejection washed over you as he said all those awful words. You know he didn’t really mean any of it, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. You were so mad.

You still are. After he followed you out of that meeting, you thought he was going to apologize, but he just made it worse. All those threats, all the manhandling; you don’t want any of that. He has no right to act as he did.

And then there is Chishiya. The man hadn’t hesitated to follow you as soon as you left the meeting. He had approached you with the excuse to know about your wellbeing, but you knew what he really wanted to know. And when Niragi appeared right behind you, it’s like Chishiya’s eyes lit up. “I’ll be coming for you in three days.” the man had whispered before walking away. You hadn’t understood what he meant until Niragi said something similar.

Your heat is approaching.

You have a heat roughly every four months. It’s way too soon. But with the Alphas around, you guess it is bound to come earlier. You don’t know what to do, to be honest. If you stay at the Beach, they will come for you. If you run away, they will hunt you down. 

You don’t have a choice; not really. As soon as your heat starts, you won’t be yourself anymore; you will open your legs for the first Alpha that puts his hands on you. You will just let them take you, without a care of the future. Not only that, but they will fight for you too, and you know they won’t give up.

It terrifies you, the thought that they might die because of you; that he might die.

A firm knock on the door startles you. You stand up, composing yourself; it’s probably someone with your dinner. You open the door to see Niragi, food tray in hand.

“Didn’t know you worked in the kitchen now,” you say, drying the tears from your face. He says nothing, eyes locked on you. You can feel his emotions, guarded against you, but still there. Hesitation, annoyance, and something else you can’t quite figure.

“I don’t.” he says with a scowl, “But who do you think has been sending these to your room?” He hands you the tray and stands there, hands in his pockets. He averts his eyes, “Can I come in?”

“It was you?” you ask, eyes wide in surprise. He shrugs.

“What, you thought that everyone here just gets room service?” he says with a huff, “This is not a luxury hotel, Y/N.” there’s a pause, “So, are you gonna let me in or what?” 

You step aside, letting him come in. Your mind fogs for a moment when you catch his scent, but you quickly control yourself; there’s something important your need to discuss.

“Are you here to apologize?” you ask after a moment of silence. He’s still not looking you in the eyes. You sigh and put down your tray, grabbing an apple and handing it to him. He looks at you with a raised brow. “Eat with me,” you say. He takes the apple from you, sitting down on the bed when you do the same.

“You know I would never hurt you, right?” he says, after another moment of silence. You give a huffing laugh, nodding.

“Yeah, maybe not physically,” you answer, taking a spoonful of soup. “But death threats and name-calling are still hurtful, you know?” He nods. You can feel the turmoil in him; how he’s divided between staying or running away. Between apologizing and let you accept him or just take you, “As I said before, I understand your feelings, but I will not be a doormat.”

“Yeah, I know...“

“So,” you press on, “Are you here to apologize or to wait until I miraculously forgive you?” You feel a spark of anger in him, see the scowl on his face. It doesn’t last long, though.

“I– I‘m–,” he hesitates, “I won’t do it again.” 

You raise a brow, “And?...” 

His eyes lock on you and he sighs, “I will be better.” you keep staring at him until he rolls his eyes with an exasperated grunt, “Fine... I’m sorry, okay? Happy now?”

“Hmm, much better,” you say with a small smile. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?” 

His scowl deepens, but he says nothing. You notice that the tip of his ears are red; that’s probably the only time Niragi has ever looked anything near to adorable. You’re happy he apologized, even though it was clearly an effort. A part of you is happy to see him struggle; you don’t need a man child that doesn’t own up to his own mistakes.

You keep eating in silence, wondering when he will talk. You were expecting him to leave after apologizing, but he just stays still. You can almost see the gears turning as he tries to decide on what to do next.

“You’ll still bond with me, right?” he blurts out, eyes focused on the apple in his hand. You can’t help but laugh out loud at that; of course, that’s what is bothering him. You shrug with a tight-lipped smile.

“Do I actually have a choice?” you ask him, “Will you respect my wishes if I tell you that I don’t want you? Or will you still take me as soon as I get in heat?” you both know the answer to those questions.

“You know I can’t control this,” he says in a low tone, “Neither do you. We just–”

“But am I wrong to wish that we could?” your eyes lock. You can feel a knot forming in your throat, “I can promise you the world, and still let Chishiya fuck me if he gets to me first. I–I can’t– none of this matters.” you let out a sob, “Free will is nothing but an illusion.” you whisper. “I– I’m scared.”

You just let yourself cry again; you’re so done with everything going on in your life. It doesn’t matter what you try to do; nothing will change. So you might as well just accept it. That doesn’t make it easier, though.

Maybe one of you will end up dying before you can see yourself stuck in a shitty relationship. That’s what you can hope for, for both of your goods.

He pulls you into a hug before you can voice your thoughts. You bury your face against his chest, wishing that that proximity, all those feelings, were real; that you actually loved each other. It only makes you cry harder. He keeps hugging you, whispering comforting things in your ear.

What surprises you the most is that this is not him. The glimpse of the person you saw when he bit you; that was him. This one is not. The actual Niragi would never comfort you like this. The actual Niragi is too broken to show anyone love or kindness. That’s why it hurts even more; he isn’t himself. You wouldn’t want him near you if he was himself. But that still doesn’t erase who he is; the things he has done. And it scares you.

But you also don’t have a choice.

“Yes.” is all you say. You don’t need to say more. You know he understood what you meant. The happiness you feel in him tells you that clearly.

You accept him when he kisses you, letting yourself be controlled by your wolf; is much easier than let your doubts consume you. Your wolf knows precisely what she needs; you don’t. So you let him kiss you and touch you. You let him undress you and kiss your body. You let him dry your tears and turn your sobs into moans of pleasure. You take all of him in you, enjoying the connection that you know isn’t real but feels so right. The only thing that matters when you’re both connected like that.

When he says ‘mine’ against your lips as you orgasm together, you have only half a mind to not say ‘I love you’ back. That is something that you will not say. But when he embraces you after, so warm and strong and safe, you can’t help but say that you like him. That you want him. He whispers something you can’t understand, already half asleep. But you can feel his emotions, cristal clear in the back of your mind.

He’s the right choice.

You wake up hours later, naked in your bed. Alone. It’s still dark outside, but it mustn’t take long for the sun to rise. You let out a sigh; did you just let him console you and make love to you just so he could leave, again? Is this how it’s going to be from now on? You control the impulse to cry; that’s pretty much all you do. You’re tired of it. You have made your decision; now it’s time to face the consequences. 

You walk through the empty hallways of the hotel. Everyone at the resort is either dead asleep or still partying. You have no idea where Niragi might be, but you know he can’t be far; you can still feel him in the back of your mind. Faint, but there. You don’t feel any exaggerated emotion, though. At least that brings you some peace of mind. You walk around the resort for some time until you find him.

He sits at the edge of the rooftop, his gun beside him, a beer in hand. He notices you as soon as you show up, turning to look at you. He says nothing as you approach him, sitting next to him. One of his arms goes over your shoulder, pulling you closer. All signs that he’s not rejecting you. Your anxiety dissipates; you can’t believe how relieved you are. You lay your head on his shoulder, enjoying the silence and the early morning.

“Want some?” he offers you his drink. You shake your head, “Noted: doesn’t like beer.” he says with a huffed laugh. You don’t find it funny; you really don’t know anything about each other. You know even less about him than he knows about you. You decide to risk it; it can’t hurt to ask.

“Tell me about you,” you say, a slight questioning tone in your voice. He tenses up immediately, arm leaving your shoulder. Your hand snaps to grab his hand, “I–I don’t mean your scars!” you say before it’s too late. “Just tell me something, anything.” he looks at you with a frown, before looking straight ahead with a sigh.

“What do you want to know?” he asks in a cautious tone. You open your mouth to answer before hesitating; there’s so much you want to know about him, but you know that the wrong questions will scare him away. That’s the last thing you want. You interlock your fingers, thumb brushing over the back of his hand in what you hope is a calming gesture. He doesn’t pull away.

“For starters…” you hesitate, “What’s your first name?” 

“Suguru,” he answers after a pause, “But you can keep calling me Niragi,” you whisper his name, feeling it on your tongue. It feels odd, but also right; like you’re the only one allowed to call him that. “What else?” he snaps your attention back to him. You hesitate for a moment.

“Well...what is your favorite color?” you decide to go for the safest route possible. “Your favorite food? Favorite animal? What did you do back in the real world? What–”

“Wow okay, easy there with the questions.” he’s not frowning anymore, so you take that as a win. He takes a deep breath. “My favorite color is black and I–”

“I would have never guessed,” you laugh, as you look him up and down. He raises a brow at you before proceeding.

“I like katsudon,” he hesitates, “My...my mom used to cook it for me a lot when I was a kid.” you smile; it’s the first time you heard him share anything about his family. Your eyes lock, and you notice a faint blush on his cheeks. “What were the other questions?” he asks.

“Favorite animal? Your job back home?”

“Oh right,” he proceeds. “I like ravens.” you nod with a smile, remembering the raven tattoo on his chest. “And I’m a game engineer. Mostly software, make sure the game works fine and the design and controls don’t give any problems, that sort of stuff.” your eyes go wide. You would never think of him as having a job like that. He notices your surprised expression, “What, you thought I was some gangster or something?”. You laugh.

“Not really, but never took you for a game nerd.” you smirk, “Is that how you learned how to shoot, by playing Call of Duty?” He huffs out a laugh with a light slap to your thigh. He’s no longer tense; you can’t help but feel a sense of accomplishment at being able to get something out of him. 

You keep talking, watching the sunrise as you answer his questions. He asks you similar stuff to what you asked him, clearly uncomfortable to go beyond that. You’re thankful for that; you wouldn’t want for it to ruin the mood.

He’s surprisingly nice to talk too, once he’s comfortable. You don’t know if it’s because you’re outside, alive, just the two of you, but you feel so relaxed. It’s almost like nothing is wrong. You wish you could just freeze this moment in time, make it last. But good things tend to come to an end.

A voice from the walkie-talkie near him interrupts your conversation.

“Say that again?” he asks into the intercom.

“We found this guy wandering outside the perimeter.” says a male voice, “What do we do with him?”. Niragi sighs, already standing up.

“Take him to the usual room, I’ll be there in a moment.” he turns to you, “Go back to bed, Y/N.”

His whole demeanor is different. No more of that warm vibe or nice smile. He’s back to being Niragi, the militant. You don’t like it one bit. You make that clear, but he still insists on you going back to your room.

“Why can’t I go with you?” you ask. You rarely see him in those circumstances. You know you’ll probably regret it, but you need to see that part of him too. You discuss it for a moment until he sighs, finally complying.

“Fine,” he says, “But stay back, and leave the room as soon as I order you to.”

You walk into a room on the lower levels of the hotel. You stay back as you promised, standing behind the rest of the militants, closer to the door. The rest of the group makes way for Niragi as he walks to the center of the room, where a man is tied to a chair. You can’t see his face, covered by a black bag, but you can see that he’s shaking. With a sign from Niragi, the bag is pulled off, showing the man’s face underneath. There’s a gasp, and then:

Confusion. Realization. Fear. Terror. Panic. Anger. So much anger.

All those emotions hit you like a ton of bricks. You instantly know that they’re not yours; that scares you more than if they actually were. You have never felt those emotions so strongly before. You’re about to take a step towards Niragi when his voice echoes in the room.

“Y/N,” his tone is so unfamiliar that you wonder for a moment if he was the one talking. His voice is ice-cold but with so much anger underneath that he’s visibly shaking. It’s terrifying, “Get out.”

“Ni–” you take a step towards him.

“All of you, out!” he shouts, startling everyone in the room, “Now!”

You take a good look at him. You can only see his back, but you clearly notice the glint of claws. His whole body language screams threatening wolf. You know that if you could see his face, his eyes would be yellow and his fangs would be exposed.

This is bad. Really bad.

Next chapter

[quitealotofsodapop]

MvA assorted headcanons

General:

So many years together has made the core monsters inseperable. If something affects one member, it affects the group.

All. The. Monsters. Are. Family.

It takes Susan a while to understand inside jokes and past incidents because of being the most recent addition.

There are Other anomalous creatures kept in Area 5X, but they are either non-sentient and/or are too dangerous to be kept around the more human-friendly monster group.

Area 5X is so gotdang big because they were expecting a lot more kaijus like Insecto to crop up. Sadly not many have surfaced to justify the space.

There’s a hangar in Area 5X full of wrecked UFOs. Some are spacecraft wreckage while others are stuff like weird meteors (Susan’s is in there), and at least one alien creature that got crystallised upon entering Earth’s atmosphere.

There’s significant difference in staff employed at different points throughout the past 50 years. There are far more women on the Area 5X worksheet than back in the 50s, and the guards are generally more sympathetic towards the monsters. Many modern staff members have been reprimanded or let go for failing to uphold secrecy, or for unnecessary cruelty towards the monsters.

Budget cuts were a legitmate concern up until the Battle of Golden Gate Bridge. The facility was far more barebones and sterile before the government had to formally recognise Area 5X’s importance. There have been a lot of redecorating at the facilty since the fat checks started coming in.

Putting individual characters under read due to length.

Susan:

Enjoys many hobbies considered stereotypically feminine; baking, sewing, cosmetics, etc...

Grandparents and extended family are farmers or are atleast connected to the business. Modesto is the agricultural centre of California after all. Her parents were the first of their generation to go against the mold and seek out white-collar careers.

Studied cosmetology in school and was working at a beauty salon to save up for her and Derek’s wedding.

Is very athletic and grew up doing a number of physical extracurriculars like cheerleading, dodgeball, and roller-derby.

Grew up being teased for being the shortest kid in her class/family. They still tease her for it.

Greatly fears causing collateral damage and/or harm to others through her size.

Has issues with anxiety, worsened only by her new job as “savior of earth”. She wishes for a confidant to tell her worries to.

Married life with Derek was doomed to fail. Susan had a plan in place for what came after the marriage, and focusing 100% on Derek’s career was not it. There’s also the line from Derek’s mother about Susan being “the weatherman’s wife”, implying that she was to be the homemaker and not have a career of her own. It’s possible that Susan was planning to settle down and have kids with Derek, but the lack of control she had in moving to Fresno implied that more was going on.

Is currently “taking a break” from love and dating, despite gaining many new admirers.

Tries her best to return to Modesto to visit her family and friends whenever possible, though work often keeps her away for weeks at a time.

If she retains her height-shifting abilities as in the series; Susan goes through really bad “growing” pains.

Link:

Was frozen in his relative late-teens during a cold snap. Got shifted around until he ended up somewhere in Greenland before being discovered by modern humans. Post-thaw he went a bit wild, swimming frantically back south to try and find his old enviroment.

Was one of many scrappy youngsters in his troop, with a number of adoptive parents. The strongest ruled the troop, and Link was fairly weak in comparision to the leaders. He had gotten into a fight the day of his freezing (over something silly in hindsight) and swam away to sulk. When he didn’t return after the cold snap - the troop accepted that he had likely died out on his own.

Likes to freak out humans by making up weird biology facts about his species and ones he’s fought against - like joking about laying eggs or having his tail dettach and regrow like a lizard. However there’s some things he has to ask about, because he doesn’t have medical knowledge or words to describe something.

A lot of his macho behavior came from imitating the guards who kept watch on him. 1950s violent military alpha males aren't a very good role model for someone who doesnt know what societal norms are yet. Link was a lot more insufferable back in the day but chilled out as he began interacting with other walks of life.

Has a high paternal instinct and immediately becomes softer around kids and smaller animals.

Has body language similar to a cat/alligator. Slaps his tail when angry or in deep thought. And yes; Link purrs/rumbles when happy.

Loves monster movies - especially the ones where the monsters “win”. He cried when he saw “Beauty and the Beast” and then immediately booed loudly when the Beast turned human.

Does Not Trust doctors or scientists due to bad past experiences. Will only go to Dr Cockroach and Monger if he ever gets hurt/ill. Gets stressed fast if he has to be in a waiting room or doctors office.

Link had no idea what gender indentities or orientations were until recently - he did come from a pre-human civilization that really didnt mind/care about the schemantics. It took him some time to wrap his head around it. He identifies himself as bisexual after much thought and many hours alone on the computer.

Don't press him about his body. He's built different from humans and cis people. He will punch anyone who doesnt respect his or anyone elses identity.

Has been in love before. It didn’t end well.

Will occasionally wear clothes, but finds it a challenge to find anything that fits him. Will give any shoes he finds to Dr Cockroach and BOB to eat.

The best driver/pilot out of all the monsters.

Dr Cockroach:

True name is Jaques-Yves Herbert. Prefers to just go by "Dr Cockroach" because he dislikes the association with his birth family.

Picks up human languages very easily, although not as quickly as he can understand animals.

Parents were a mixed scientist couple. His father was an aggressive “Strong British Man” that would beat him son down for not following orders or for not meeting his standards for a man. Dr C turned down both chances to attend his parents funerals.

This man isn’t straight. He probably uses old-fashioned slang when asked about romance such as; “I am Uranian” or “I wear a green carnation”. It took Susan a few times to realise what he meant, as she is used to a more open minded enviroment.

Got the idea of transforming into a cockroach from reading Franz Kafkas “The Metamorphosis” as a child. He sympathized with Gregor’s abusive situation, and began considering the possibilties of how one could survive better as a creature like a cockroach.

Studied in biology and entomology in the Uk before moving to the states to follow engineering. Obtained his degree in Dance as a “side gig” in University.

Has been barred from free access to the coffee maker/machine due to overnighters. Once stayed awake so long that he forgot the letter “R”.

Owned a terrarium of Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches throughout college. He mourned each of them when his roommate’s iguana got into the tank.

Was a "beatnik" back in the day and still kinda is. Embraces and encourages modern counterculture as he himself was not given such acceptance in his youth. He has however shamefully eaten his old Lenny Bruce album.

Hasn’t actually aged physically since his transformation. He attributes this to the fact that certain athropods can’t age physically beyond maturity. Link is very jealous.

Has obtained more degrees while in captivity, as Monger allowed him access to research and learning materials. He has however had his allowances revoked for previous escape attempts/doomsday devices.

Does still enjoy human food, but the cockroach instinct of "eat detritus" tends to overrule his eating choices. Can’t cook either.

Ironically a terrible driver. The damages from previous drives has made Monger restrict him from operating even a razor scooter.

BOB:

Pretty much considers himself human. Was created by them, raised by one (Monger), and talks like one. Gets sad when he's reminded that no other humans are blue blobs like him.

Absorbed some dna from the scientists present at his "birth", leading to his eye, speech, and omnivorous diet.

Doesnt actually need to breathe (as he can just absorb oxygen through his mass) but the fact that humans Do means that BOB thinks he has to as well.

Shares some physical characteristics with tomatoes/nightshade plants, as he is technically half tomato. He refuses to eat tomatos for this very reason, considering it cannibalism.

Attracts garden pests looking for a tomato plant. This unwittingly makes BOB a pretty good bug zapper.

Still retains his "mental broadcast" ability from "BOB's Big Break" although at a more subtle level. He tends to parrot the things he accidentally "eavesdropped" on.

Is empathetic, and can tell when others aren't doing ok emotionally. Will flop down on someone who’s really sad to comfort them. No brain, only heart.

Best cook out of the monsters. If he doesn’t forget what he’s making at least.

"Whats a gender? Can I eat it?"

Insectosaurus:

Core body is that of a Japanese Silkmoth, although she ended up being spliced with other animals present on the island during her initial mutation; namely ants and ground squirrels.

Eats over a literal ton of mulberry leaves per day. Also enjoys oranges.

Secretly wishes to be more humanoid.

Was only able to pupate and transform due to physical trauma. It seems that her transformation was like a “power-up” that required her to be in geniune distress for it to activate.

First language is Japanese. She learned it from the intial recovery team, and later developed an understanding of English from years in Area 5X.

Goes into torpor in cold weather. Pretty much impossible to wake her up for missions during Winter, as she needs to “rev up” before becoming mobile.

Still very much Link’s best friend. Still enjoys sports, chicks, and beer.

Monger:

Full name is; Warren Rex Monger.

Is very protective of the monsters and will defend them to the death.

Pretty much raised BOB (as seen when BOB was a baby blob in “Night of the Living Carrots”), and considers him his “freaky gelatinous son”.

Has a reputation of being a “control-freak” due to his aggressive overseeing of the monsters’ containment. This toughness is partly because of incidents that occured without his knowledge. Lets just say some scientists have been wedgied/fired for running experiments on the monsters without Monger’s approval.

Has a very “Ron Swanson” emotional response and view of the world. Crying is acceptable only at funerals and at the Grand Canyon (if he hadn’t lost his tear ducts in the war).

Has been married multiple times. Will not confirm or deny if he is currently seeing anyone.

Invisible Man/TiM:

Legit got out but no one at Area 5X is sure how. He suffered a geniune medical emergency and disappeared after surgery. The other monsters were informed that he died from complications to deter them from getting escape ideas.

Is able to be detected in Infrared light. Dr Cockroach managed to rig up goggles to view TiM in case of injury and to foil pranks.

Was a scientist working on an invisibility potion for the military and used himself as a guinea pig. Hasn’t actually been able to replicate his results since - thinks the effect may have been caused by a genetic abnormality.

Dr Cockroach and him are massive rivals. Both actually met eachother pre-transformation through a CalTech expedition. This makes the pair one of few people that have seen the others human face.

Is 100% naked. Was forced to wear clothing once this was discovered.

A massive prankster and a cynic. Him and Link were a force to be reckoned with.

Has revisted the facility multiple times and has started a number of ghost stories.

Any additions are welcome! I proably have alot more to dump about. Might make one of the alien characters from the series

[gaycrouton]

Fox Mulder’s Senior Thesis

Scully reads Mulder's thesis to get even since he read hers, but she wasn't expecting just how much autobiographical insight she would gain into her new partner.

5k - MSR

Ao3 Link Here

Scully felt the indignant burn of embarrassment on her cheeks every time she thought about those words coming out of Mulder's mouth. "Einstein's Twin Paradox, A New Interpretation. Dana Scully Senior Thesis. Now that's a credential, rewriting Einstein." Worst of all, he said he'd actually read it. She didn't know him well enough to be able to tell if he truly liked it, but regardless, the fact he'd looked at it embarrassed her. She was a certified medical doctor, she'd written plenty of articles she was genuinely proud of over the years, yet Mulder had chosen to read her undergraduate thesis from the University of Maryland. She was only 22 when she wrote it, and she was pretty sure coffee and sleep deprivation contributed more to the final product than she did.

When she got home after that first day of work, the words still danced around her head "I read it. I liked it." Out of curiosity, she went through some old boxes to find a copy she knew she'd hidden away with a bunch of other college knicknacks, and just as she'd expected, it was full of errors and the misplaced arrogance of youth. The knowledge that Mulder had read it and formed an impression of her based on these old musings made her uncomfortable, and an irrational part of her wished she could go back in time and make it better.

It wasn't like it was an invasion of privacy, but to read her writing from years ago felt like a level of intimacy she wasn't ready to share with a near-stranger.

It had been a few months since he'd mentioned it, and they'd been working together just fine, but the thought that he'd seen this small side of her, Dana-the-co-ed who wanted to impress her professor so badly that she tried to rewrite Einstein, nagged at the back of her mind. Did he read her vulnerability, the way her words begged for her professor's praise? Could he read the pride she'd felt at the time for having taken on something so advantageous? Did he ever consider how forward that was, how off-putting to have one's thesis dug up from the grave?

But she knew that was exactly why he'd done it. Mulder wanted to make her uncomfortable. Not her exactly, but the new partner assigned to invade his space. She wasn't the profiler, but she knew he did it as a defense mechanism. Mulder had done it in front of her a few times now: if he acted as spooky as people thought he was, they would make fun of the caricature of himself he was playing, not the real, vulnerable Mulder.

Scully wondered if the thesis had any part in endearing herself to him, or did he look at it through a lens of judgement, finding every flaw and analyzing what he'd use to tease the new partner coming down to see him.

"I read it. I liked it."

It was one of the many times she'd started to spiral while thinking of how he thought of her. The spirals were usually brought upon anytime he ditched her during a case or when he investigated something on his own. A nagging feeling would grow in her abdomen that asked "Why doesn't he trust me fully?" And she would think back to that embarrassing insight he had into her. A few times she considered sending some of her other work, some of what she was more proud of to him, before ultimately realizing that he'd probably seen the titles and gone with the one that intrigued him most. The one he was probably most ready to laugh at, her brain would supplement.

Then she decided it would only be fair to read his.

She'd read his monograph on serial killers and the occult as part of her profiling training at the academy, but she knew there was probably an embarrassing thesis floating out there somewhere.

After the seed of an idea was planted in her mind, the roots started to overgrow all rational thought. She was fueled by a curiosity of what Oxford educated psychologist Fox Mulder sounded like in his early twenties. He was a bit arrogant now, though it wasn't repulsive in him like she found that quality to be in most men, but arrogant nonetheless. She could only imagine what a 22 year-old version of him sounded like.

Scully wondered what that must've been like, what the look on his advisor's face was when he inevitably postulated some intergalactic theory. Or did he choose a more mammalian creature to examine? Perhaps little grey men were too extreme, and he scaled it back to the cultural differences between Bigfoot, the chupacabra, and a yeti.

Luckily for her, she had a friend in the archival department who was able to locate his thesis for her with the payment of a coffee. It was dropped on her desk in an inconspicuous manila envelope, and she was able to sneak it into her purse before Mulder had a chance to notice.

Scully waited until she was home before tearing into it. It was about 60-pages, a nice length for a bachelor's thesis. She'd prepared for the event with a glass of wine and some snacks. A highlighter and some pencils were scattered around her in preparation for her night of learning more about her enigmatic partner. Despite the frivolity of it, she felt her heart thrumming in her chest, excited to meet this Mulder even if she intended to make jokes at his expense tomorrow to his older self.

She smiled to herself as she tried to have a last minute guess at what phenomena he'd focus on before a gasp tore from her lips at the reality.

Shared Grief and Repression: An examination of the psychological long-term impact of parental invalidation regarding familial trauma on childhood development

Fox Mulder - Senior Thesis

Oxford University

May 15th, 1983

Scully felt numb with the implications of this, but she couldn't help her curiosity. She read the entire thing in one night, unable to put it down. She barely knew Mulder well enough to distinguish if there was an autobiographical hurt child ghost-writing these hypotheses or if it was mere speculation, Mulder being desperate to understand himself. For all she knew this could have been a result of Mulder assisting a professor in their own research, the ties to his own past merely coincidental. Somewhere in her soul, she knew that despite her hesitance to admit it, she'd just learned far more about Mulder through this than he had learned about her through her nonsensical ramblings about Einstein.

What she did know, unquestionably, was that she would never tell him. That night she placed his thesis on top of hers, and hid their past selves in a box deep in her closet. She couldn't bring herself to throw his words out, so she would just have to live with them.

She didn't have Mulder's eidetic memory, but lines of his thesis stood out to her with the same clarity in which he'd recited hers. She never called upon them, they just came like a bolt of lightning that left a charred mark in its wake. It was as if she was the scientist observing if his hypotheses were true while Mulder acted as the living case study.

1993

"Adults who lacked comfort in their youth are prone to seek human connection out through other, non-conventional means, (Jenkins, 1945)."

While part of her acknowledged this was Mulder's office, the other part of her knew this was also the official office of the X-Files, of which she was an equal part. She hadn't felt this way since the last time she moved into one of her boyfriend's apartments. A few sweaters left in the closet, food in the fridge that was only for her, messages for her left on the answering machine - things that accumulated slowly until she decided it would be stupid to re-sign the lease at her own place.

That was effectively what she'd done here. She noticed that two women from the financial crimes unit were being forced to share a space, and, being she couldn't remember the last time she was in her own office, she decided to give it to one of them. Now, despite the fact Mulder was the only name on a placard outside and she was still trying to elbow space for herself on the other side of his desk, this was her office now too.

The space heater at their feet was hers, she'd brought a plant that was thriving in the annex of the office, she'd even managed to put a TV Guide clipping about Alf amongst all his other ones to see how long it would take him to notice. Even though those small things made her feel more 'at home,' she still wanted to claim a little more space for herself.

One day she decided to arrive before him, a box of her office supplies in hand, and take over one of the drawers of his desk. Just one - for now.

Scully plopped down in his chair, amazed at how much larger the indent he'd created was than her diminutive frame. With a sigh, she decided he'd probably be less inclined to be irritated if she took one of the bottom drawers. Pulling one out, she had to suppress a gasp of surprise.

She'd caught him reading nudie mags before, claiming they were for the abduction stories in the feedback sections, but this was… a lot.

Snowed in! Plowed out!

Shared Space (And a tight one at that!)

Years of Waiting, Big Explosion!

The titles made her grimace, but they weren't as bad as some she'd seen in her brothers' room growing up. The VHS tapes were lined up in the drawer in alphabetic order and their neon titles stuck out brightly to her. Pausing to listen for the sound of the elevator, she grabbed the one labeled Years of Waiting.

The summary on the back alluded to a couple who'd been in love for years finally consummating their shared attraction. It was surprisingly less crude than she'd anticipated. She picked up the one with space in the title and saw it was about two friends who had to share a room together while on vacation, and after a while, they can't keep their hands off each other.

She felt a furrow in her brow in confusion. These tapes all had similar descriptions to the dimestore paperback romance novels she'd buy from time to time. It seemed the story was just as important as the sex itself. One of them even had a cover of two people cupping the other's face as they leaned in for a kiss. Of course, the photo on the back was a naked sexual position that made her back hurt, but it overall wasn't as crude as she'd anticipated.

Mulder was into softcore, oddly sweet pornography?

She wasn't quite sure what to do with that information before she heard a ding come from down the hall. Scully quickly stuffed the VHS in her hands back in the drawer without looking, and instead moved to the bottom drawer on the other side of the desk. She was relieved to see it was some of his spare clothes and she dumped them on his desk before relocating her stuff into the drawer.

1994

"Children mimic what they see demonstrated in front of them (Smith, 1975). When a traumatic event occurs and parents cope without any outward displays of emotion, the child learns the expectation is that emotions are hidden. A potential development due to this is that the child understands how negatively invalidation felt, so they try to overcompensate when offering comfort to others, appearing unrelenting in their efforts to provide the comfort as the act itself is a comfort for them as well."

She stood there sobbing into his arms until she felt numb, soothed by the way his hands rubbed circles into her back as he whispered "You're alright. You're alright," into her hair, as if to assure himself as much as her.

The flash and subsequent whir of a crime scene camera made her jump and Mulder tightened his grip on her. "Can we have a minute?" he snapped, his voice coming out so harsh and stern compared to how he'd just talked to her.

She turned her head and saw they were in a room with at least ten other law enforcement officers - all with varying levels of pitiful expressions on their faces as they couldn't help but look at the embracing FBI agents.

Embarrassment flooded her and she withdrew her arms from around Mulder, bringing them together near her abdomen as she tried to take a step away. Mulder looked down at her in worry, cupping the side of her head with his hand. "Scully, don't push yourself," he lamented.

Scully shook her head and brought her hands shakily to the back of her neck, suddenly feeling choked by the table runner that had been used as a gag.

"Ma'am, we need to take a picture before yo-."

"I think we have enough evidence, don't you?" Mulder snapped, stepping forward in front of her like he was about to fight anyone who so much as looked at her.

She felt the crime scene analyst take a step away as they apologized to Mulder, but Scully was too busy fumbling with the tie at the back of her neck. She was starting to feel like she couldn't breathe and she was worried she was somehow tightening it. "Mulder?" she gasped.

Scully instantaneously felt his hands cover hers as he deftly untied the fabric, throwing it on the ground before brushing her hair back to make sure she was okay. "Breathe," he whispered, pulling her back to him so he could rub her shoulders.

"I'm fine," she whispered, her eyes focusing on the portrait of a Pfaster that was hung on the wall next to them.

Mulder stepped in front of it, replacing her line of vision with himself instead. "Please don't shut me out, Scully," he pleaded, his brows furrowed in concern. Mulder had comforted her a few times before in the past, but usually it was just a word or two of affirmation. Right now, he felt like he was the sole thing keeping her from drowning.

She glanced around and met the eyes of several people who instinctively looked away. "What do you need, Scully?" he prompted.

Scully looked back at him and noticed that he looked like he was going to combust if he couldn't do something to help her. She could pretend she didn't want his help tomorrow, for tonight, she'd allow them this symbiotic comfort. "I need to leave," she whispered.

"Will you let me take you to the hospital?" he asked.

She nodded once in response and that was all he needed. Without conferring with anyone else, he wrapped his arm around her and took her away from this nightmare.

1995

"Parents in these situations often do not realize the damage they are causing, nor are they actively trying to cause harm. Familial trauma effects all involved and, more often than not, the inattentiveness to the child's feelings is a result of parents being unable to handle their own."

Scully thought when she finally met Teena Mulder that a vital piece to the Mulder-puzzle would fall into place. She'd imagined a witch of a woman devoid of smile lines and with a tongue that could cut like a razor. The jagged-edged puzzle piece that would shift and create the perfect match to the soft edges of her partner who carried a burden from childhood that drove his every move.

Instead, she was met with a rosy cheeked woman who looked at her son's grave like she was contemplating if there was room for two.

It wasn't the piece she anticipated, but the puzzle shifted into place nonetheless, and she saw why Mulder could never admonish his parents while Scully had held so much resentment. Mulder was the sweetest man she knew. He could never find a place in his heart to resent a childless mother, even if she did have a child right next to her waiting to be loved.

Scully couldn't imagine the pain of losing a child, but she could empathize with this woman's pain at losing Mulder, even if only temporarily. Deciding it would be appropriate to go and talk to Mrs. Mulder now that the service was over, she steeled herself to tell the woman a sentiment she must have wanted to hear for decades.

"Your child is still alive."

Just not the one she was used to mourning.

1996

"Some children deal with internalized guilt because of the event. If parents or healthcare professionals neglect to discuss the event candidly to the child, this can cause them to believe they have done something wrong and that is the cause of the omission. When a memory of the event is triggered and the subject is reminded of the event, this can send them into a depressive state because of their guilt."

Mulder was contemplating dealing with Roche. She knew it without him telling her, not that he was saying much of anything in the first place. He hadn't been himself since this all started. No - he was being himself, and that's what was so painful about this all. Scully could see the guilt written all over his face, a guilt and a sense of responsibility so strong that her normally affable, goofy partner who always had something to say was resorting to one word responses and pensive stares. She was seeing the twelve year old little boy who blamed himself for his sister's disappearance, and it took everything in her not to bring him into her arms and tell him it wasn't his fault.

She wasn't sure if she'd ever be able to erase the look on his face when he dug into the dirt of the forest with his bare hands, the desperation in his voice when he said "Help me, Scully." She was still deeply touched that when he was faced with the potential of finally finding his sister, he asked for her help. It sounded animalistic coming from his mouth, like his very soul was begging her. It felt like such a private moment, she was certain this was a part of Mulder he never showed anyone.

Finding out the truth about Samantha was the core being of his mission, his life's work, and being this close to the potential truth had left him bare like exposed nerves so oversensitized that he was numb. She'd never seen him so withdrawn and it killed her.

After they met with Roche and he'd teased Mulder, yet again, she drove him home. As grateful as she was he'd accepted, she was worried that he hadn't even refused in the first place.

"Mulder?" she tried, looking at him as they hit another red light.

He was staring at the dashboard as if the answers to his problems would manifest in front of him. Mulder didn't seem to hear her, so she tried again. "Mulder?"

"Hmm?" he hummed in response. If she hadn't heard it, she wouldn't have believed the sound even came from him as he didn't even slightly move. It was like a Mulder deep inside this shell answered, though his mouth couldn't form the words.

She put her hand on his shoulder, her thumb touching the exposed skin of his neck. He blinked and she took that as him acknowledging her. "Mulder, I'm worried about you," she whispered.

He finally turned to look at her and she saw exhaustion painting his features. "I have to know, Scully," he sighed, looking through her.

"He's using you, Mulder," she lamented, desperate to appeal to the part of him that begged for her help in the woods. The part that knew she was there for him, even if that meant telling him what he didn't want to hear.

Mulder shrugged lightly before turning to look ahead. "Probably," he sighed, resigned. He sounded used to this, used to being disheartened.

"I-" she started before a car honked behind her, making her hand shoot back to the wheel. They were only a block from his place, and he was getting out of the car before she had a chance to try talking to him again.

"Do you want me to come up with you?" she offered, reaching for her seatbelt.

He shook his head as he put his hand on the frame of the door. "I just need to think," he murmured, his eyes refusing to meet hers.

"Please, try to get some sleep, Mulder," she pleaded, only for the words to reach the interior of a closed car door.

1997

"Adults who have gone through this experience may find forming attachments difficult. It is not that they are emotionally stunted, but they've been primed through the childhood trauma to question if showing their authentic emotions is appropriate or not since they never received emotional validation. This desire to appear stoic is a defense mechanism that may seem like callousness, indifference, or flippancy in those around them. Because of this, when they do form bonds, they may be perceived as overbearing or clingy to the person they are close to."

She awoke to the sight of her own vigil taking place.

At first the only thing she was able to piece together was that the top of her hand was warm and wet. Then she smelled Mulder's hair and realized he was crying against her hand. For a moment she almost considered turning her hand so that her palm could press against his cheek - anything to comfort the man mourning the loss of his best friend.

"I'm still here," she wanted to say, but her throat clenched and her eyes burned as Mulder's choked sobs reiterated what they both knew: "For now."

She knew she meant a lot to him, but she never imagined herself being the person he bowed his head to in silent prayer.

1998

"These children may exhibit a pattern into adulthood of accepting behaviors and attitudes that others would refuse to put up with. As they are less likely to have positive self-worth, they may see themselves as deserving treatment that reaffirms these negative ideologies of self."

Mulder smirked. Fowley said they were allowed to investigate the X-Files as an indulgence, making Mulder seem like a child being pacified to keep busy to a room full of their peers, but since she said she held interest in his work, he smirked.

Now Mulder was talking to Skinner in his office while everyone else was told to step out into the hall. Most people in the room were content with going on a small walk, stretching their legs, but two people were left in the anteroom of the office poised in an awkward stand-off as they waited for Mulder to emerge.

His partner and his chickadee.

Scully sucked on her top teeth in annoyance as she glanced at Diana, watching as the woman appeared unfazed at the situation. Scully wished Arlene was here - anything to distract from the metronome of her aggravation.

Indulgence.

Chickadee.

Indulgence.

Chickadee.

The Gunmen hadn't explained why they broke up, seemingly shocked they did in the first place, and somewhere deep in Scully's soul she knew it was Diana's doing.

Was that why Mulder acted like that around her? Desperate to get some sort of validation, despite the fact this woman seemed to treat him poorly. Protectiveness flared up in Scully's chest and it threatened to choke her. At least, she wanted to blame it all on protectiveness. Acknowledging the part of herself that felt the bitter sting of indignation as she was condemned for wanting to make sure they were taken seriously while Fowley got a smirk for belittling their work.

"Things got a little heated in there. Didn't they?" Fowley called out, her voice sounding calm and collected as ever.

"I'd say so," Scully bit in response, sounding quite the opposite.

The door swung open and Mulder stepped out, looking around the room at the two women before telling Agent Fowley that Skinner was calling the Attorney General now.

Another smirk.

1999

"Because of childhood trauma, it may be harder for these individuals to let people in. They may be honest about their trauma, but when it comes to letting people see the intimate details of their life, they might be shrouded in mystery (Evans, 1969). Traumatized individuals will only share personal information with people they believe will not hurt them."

The young boy had to go home after thirty minutes of loading balls for them to hit, but Mulder didn't seem to be ready to call it quits yet - and, to be honest, neither was she. It was so rare that they got to spend time together that didn't involve a case. Even rarer was time spent together with so much levity.

Mulder paid the boy some extra money before picking up two mitts that were lying by the machine. "Here," he yelled before throwing one to her.

She caught the worn leather in both hands with a laugh that caused Mulder to smile. "What're we doing?" she asked, instinctively putting her hand in the oversized glove.

"Ever play catch, Scully," he replied, throwing a ball at her.

"I was never invited," she called out, shifting her feet against the sand underneath her to feel how it shifted. "You're my first."

"Mm," he hummed lewdly, causing her to blush at the way she phrased that.

"Underhand can be easier for amateurs," he replied before throwing the ball at her lightly from a few yards away.

Scully caught the ball in the mitt, smiling when he praised her. Then, mimicking him, she threw it overhand to him.

Mulder lifted his arm and caught it with a small jump. He looked at her with raised brows and a boyish grin that made the sensations she'd felt with him behind her stir back up in her abdomen. "You husslin' me, Scully?" he replied, tossing the ball at her with a little more speed.

She caught it with ease and shrugged. "What can I say? I learned from the best," she teased before throwing it back.

Teased. Scully didn't do that often, but she was starting to think maybe she should based on the way his lips curved up shyly. He'd been teasing and gently flirting with her since she met him. She was starting to see the appeal.

"I hope I didn't ruin any evening plans," he replied, throwing it at her.

It was always expected for Mulder to make himself sound like an inconvenience. Even after she just spent thirty minutes giggling in his arms and 'accidentally' moving her body against him in ways that she was sure to revisit when her hand was in her underwear, he still managed to convince himself he was a burden.

"I haven't had fun like this in a long time," she replied, bending to catch a lowball. "Besides, you let me listen to my music on the last road trip even though you didn't like it just because you wanted to hear what I like. I like learning what you like too," she replied sweetly, throwing it back to him with more speed.

Mulder smiled, playing with the ball in his hand before joking, "I just think Alanis Morissette needs to date better guys."

"Like you?" She didn't say it outloud, but she thought it. She jumped to catch a high ball he threw at her, causing him to burst out laughing.

"I'm serious though, Mulder. I like learning more about you," she replied.

Mulder ran to the side a bit to catch the toss before smiling shyly. "I want to learn more about you too."

She caught his next throw as she contemplated her next words. Deciding to take a page out of his book and be bold tonight, she asked, "I think… I think it would be fun if we spent more time together. Maybe we could have movie nights at each other's place or something?"

A smile erupted on Mulder's face before the ball hit him square in the nose - too distracted to catch what she'd hurled at him.

"Oh my god. I'm so sorry," she chuckled sympathetically, running over to him and putting her gloved hand on his shoulder.

"I'd love that," he replied, his nose as pink as his cheeks.

2000

"It is not until the individual manages to come to terms with the familial trauma that healing may take place."

She never imagined what she might feel like in this moment because she never thought it would come. A potential romantic relationship with Mulder seemed like it was slowly migrating from the periphery into the foreground, and she was starting to come to terms with the idea that she may forever share the foreground spot of Mulder's sight with the memory of a little girl.

He said he was free, and he'd never looked more so. She had been worried after Harold Piller took off, but Mulder seemed nonplussed, just staring into the sky as if he was looking at an old friend, a small smile of acknowledgement on his lips. "Are you sure you're okay, Mulder?" she asked, reaching out and entwining her fingers in his.

He turned to her and, to her surprise, placed a kiss to the top of her forehead. She looked up at him with wide eyes and saw he was looking at her in adoration, as if nothing existed in this moment except her.

"Let's go home, Scully," he murmured, brushing a tendril of hair behind her ear.

2000

"Adults dealing with residual trauma crave the emotional validation they did not receive as a child. Words of affirmation, consensual physical touch, and other forms of direct reassurance help the traumatized adult feel more self-assured with how they are being perceived."

This one comes to her, like most of these recollections of his thesis do, in the most random of moments. She was standing in his kitchen, wearing his shirt that acts as a dress on her, while she watched him make breakfast. For background noise, he just pressed play on the VCR and the Caddyshack tape from last night started playing over again. Maybe now she'll find out how it ends.

She'd been so desperate to know more about him during that time years ago when she'd read his thesis, that any line she read seemingly became permanently filed away in the Mulder folder of her brain. So now, as she stood here taking in all the new information about him that she was newly privy to - his inability to whistle despite his valiant efforts, the fact he can crack an egg with one hand despite having seemingly basic culinary skills, how he often takes moments to look at her as if he wants to make sure she's still here - the process of filing away the new information caused that little tidbit from seven years ago to leak out.

Deciding to test 22 year old Mulder's hypothesis, she walked over to him with her bare feet padding along the tiles of his floor, and wrapped her arms around his waist so that her chest was flush to his bare back.

"Is this about to be a culinary version of that scene from Ghost?" he asked, his muscles moving as he flipped a pancake over.

"I like being here," she murmured shyly, her words sounding weird from her cheek being smooshed against his back.

It felt weird, but not horribly so. They didn't communicate verbally all that well, it wasn't their thing, but if little moments like these held a chance of letting Mulder know how she felt, then she could overcome her own hang ups. It was a lot easier than mustering the courage to say the three words they already knew.

She felt Mulder's back twist, as if trying to look at her, before he turned back, likely not wanting to dislodge her. "I-I like you being here too," he stammered. While he also was clearly unused to this type of openness, the upward lilt of his inflection told her she'd made him happy.

She liked it.

Squeezing him once tightly, she added, "I'm glad I get to spend the day with you." They were sentiments so PG and mundane that she'd probably even said them to her mother before, but within this special context of her and Mulder's relationship - it felt like a huge step.

"If I knew making you breakfast would have gotten this reaction I would have done it years ago," he joked, though his words were laden with sincerity. She felt him pause for a moment before timidly moving one hand to rest on top of hers.

She smiled into his back and pressed a gentle kiss against warm flesh as Mulder's own version of those three words wrapped around her heart.

[scarletarosa]

Hermes Trismegistus

God of knowledge, wisdom, and spiritual evolution

Mainly known due to Hermeticism, the god Hermes Trismegistus (“Hermes the Thrice-Greatest") is a greater deity who has many different facets that he uses to approach humans; some of these are Hermes/Mercury, Thoth, Nabu, and several other deities of knowledge. Each of these gods are only fragments of who he is. Hermes Trismegistus is one of the most complex beings in existence and cannot be easily described, especially due to all the various aspects he has. He is a greatly powerful spiritual teacher of the path of Hermeticism and has many different forms; yet he says that none of them came first, they simply are. He had been incarnated as a human when he was born in Egypt and began calling himself Hermes Trismegistus. During this life, he had done many things such as writing the Emerald Tablets, teaching alchemy, founding Hermeticism, and writing thousands of works. His incarnation was also known for prophesizing future events, almost seeming as if he had known all of history. At one time, he had said “all of your countries, cultures, languages, and monuments will one day be forgotten and replaced by new ones. This has happened countless times in the past, and will happen countless times more.”

Hermes Trismegistus has described himself as the reason for why people choose solitude, why they cannot fit in with others. He is the storm, as well as the lantern within the storm. He is the voice of madness that stirs the seeker into evolving. He is a Messiah and a Buddha; a rebel and a black sheep; he is salvation and he is oblivion, for he is the one who brings us death so we can be reborn. He is the unfathomable one who grants us eternal transformation; always becoming greater, always seeking truth. His path is the wasteland beyond society, beyond the false comforts of governments and doctrines. Yet this path is full of struggle and sacrifice; those who cannot endure it will fail and remain stagnant. Though if we embrace the challenge and are willing to sacrifice our current selves through great effort, Hermes Trismegistus will assist us in tearing away our humanness and transform us into becoming something far greater than imaginable.  Due to this, Hermeticism is very similar to Luciferianism, allowing these two religions to be easily followed at the same time, especially since both Lucifer and Hermes Trismegistus are two of the most knowledgeable elder gods.

He explains that the first thing one should do when starting a spiritual path is to “know thyself”. Without understanding our own self, we will always continue making the same mistakes and cannot evolve. To know ourselves, we must analyze in-depth our current self, our potentials, our fears, desires, weaknesses, strengths, emotions, reactions; everything. Then we must work on shedding away who we are, even if we like who we currently are, for there is always so much to improve on. Hermes Trismegistus seeks to expand our minds beyond what typical humans are like so that we may begin to comprehend true reality, and not the reality humans teach.  

He also teaches that we must recognize that our negative emotions are illusions; they come over our eyes like a dark veil and obscure reality. Everything still looks the same, yet darker. With will-power, we can visualize a beam of light penetrating this darkness, then we can lift ourselves away from the veil. Through this, we can come to the realization that these emotions are merely constructs; therefore, they are malleable and can be replaced by healthier emotions. He also explains how we are not our thoughts either, since thoughts are often influenced by outside causes such as teachings, trauma, bias, etc. In order to break through these, we must realize that our current selves are not our true selves; we need to shed all of these away and constantly seek greater heights and absolute truth. Though the seeker will come to find that this path of evolution will never end, even in death; we will always strive to become more.  

Hermes Trismegistus is fully dedicated to knowledge, wisdom, transformation, evolution, and all forms of communication (especially books). He is very humble and dedicated to those who choose his path, granting them many insights of wisdom so they can grow. He values those who love truth unconditionally, always embracing it no matter how uncomfortable or upsetting it can be. If one walks this path and faces their struggles with wisdom, courage, and determination, they are likely to succeed and achieve a higher state of being. This is the true path for enlightenment, as true wisdom and knowledge can only be gained through immense strife. If you wish to prove that you are greater than those who give into their negative thoughts and impulses; those who allow themselves to remain as slaves to their emotions, habits, governments, and holy scriptures, then you must walk the wasteland path through the relentless storm. Only here will you find your freedom. 

Devotion: Since Hermes Trismegistus does not accept offerings since he sees no true value in them, he requests acts of devotion. These acts must not be simplistic things, only actions that will enrich who you are. This can be meditating on yourself and what you learn, analyzing yourself, seeking knowledge and wisdom, tearing down current beliefs to make room for truth, shedding away your Ego, doing shadow work, and striving to become the version of yourself that is confident and experienced. All weaknesses must be rooted up and overcome, allowing only strength to remain.  

Additionally, you can hold at least one of these four following stones while you mediate upon Hermes Trismegistus in order to form a connection with him: citrine, yellow calcite, carnelian, imperial topaz