#oh BUT i do prefer to be referred to with a mix of masculine and feminine terms just because it's fun

[kinnbig]

What are your pronouns?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[jinjinranran]

Byeol x Yoosung 💚

Bi Yoosung is canon /j no but what else could I hc him as, with his big ass crush on Saeran 😭 and I believe it wasn't the only one - tho I think most of the times he'd be oblivious and confuse his boy crushes with simple admiration, because he likes girls after all! But boy. Sweetie. My dude. You're fruity and it shows.

With Byeol being nonbinary, Yoosung's a bit confused at first. He doesn't live under a rock, he heard about nonbinary genders, just hasn't really done any research about the topic. He has no problem with accepting them in any way regardless if he fully gets it or not. He just needs some explanations and learning to do so he could understand their identity better.

Other characters: 💛 💜 🧡 💗 ❤️ 💚 💙 🤍 🤎

Byeol's story under the cut:

💚 Eunbyeol Kim (Byeol) ♡ she/they/he ♡ 20 yo ♡ nonbinary, pansexual

Byeol likes both feminine and masculine clothes and interests, but has always been praised only for presenting feminine ("You're such a pretty lady!", "you look like a little princess in this dress" "you look much prettier with some makeup on") and it felt wrong so she started to resent these and dress as androgynously as possible, rejecting everything that was considered feminine.

Dislikes how feminine their face and body is, always admired androgynous people, and wishes breasts were an accessory you can put on and off depending on the outfit. Related those feelings to just wishing to look good in both male and female cosplays, only much later realized there is a deeper reason for that.

Bought her first binder for cosplay purposes and oh boy the happiness it brought!!

Generally wearing masculine outfits always brought that little, unexplainable spark of excitement.

Once when gaming someone referred to her as "he" and it felt cool so she never corrected them. Now goes by mostly he/they online and she/they irl (but honestly is fine with any).

As a teenager started to be more active online, and finding lgbt communities, she discovered the existence of nonbinary genders and started to put the pieces if her life together. Rotated between different identities (demigirl, demiboy, genderfluid, agender, etc.) but at the end decided to just stick to nonbinary as it felt the most comfortable.

Cut their hair at the end of high school, out of impulse and spite for her family pushing the idea that a woman must have long hair. It felt so freeing, even tho she ended up looking like a disaster lol

Their family is conservative and not very accepting to anything outside of the "norm" so they're not out to anyone except one of her older sisters who does everything to support them, even if she didn't fully understand at first.

While doesn't mind she/her pronouns, other gendered words (like miss, sister, girlfriend etc.) makes her uncomfortable so prefers to use gender-neutral alternatives when possible.

Definitely prefer to be referred using their shortened name - Byeol - since it's gender neutral, than the feminine full name - Eunbyeol.

Now - after learning that the way they're presenting nor interests do not invalidate their identity - embraces their feminine features (still thanks gods for the invention of a binder but doesn't always feel the need to wear), actually likes wearing makeup and dresses sometimes, loves to play with fashion and mix both feminine and masculine pieces of clothing, and is obsessed with accessories.

Regarding the romantic/sexual attraction, he has 0 experience, but never put much importance to it, "if I fall in love then I fall in love, the only thing that matters if we get along well".

Since they're going to the same college as Yoosung, they saw him in the halls, a few days into 1st semester, and immediately got a big ass crush on him. Felt way too shy to approach him though, and everytime they ran into each other, only managed to mumble something incomprehensible (and that was very new and out of character for her, and also very embarassing). Later, slowly they started bonding over the same interests, though Yoosung was very oblivious of Byeol's feelings towards him. Until many months later when she confessed to him - or in his route, when he realized that the party coordinator he fell in love with is actually his college and gaming friend. 💚

[kyberphilosopher]

Venom Headcanons

Little Headcanons for Venom. Of course extending into how I’d write him.

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

Venom likes chocolate. You can hear him say it in his movie a few times. I think he likes straight chocolate, not the candy bars mixed with nuts or anything like that. He’ll still eat the nuts and caramel whole, but he might complain after if he has the time. Venom prefers plain Hershey’s, 3 Musketeers, and Milky Way’s. 

Venom will have sex with anything that can and will consent. You can call it pansexual, but like some others he really doesn’t care. He has the ‘a hole is a hole’ mentality. Good for him. 

Venom is so into eating, he will wake Eddie up in the middle of the night. For example, in cold sweats, Eddie’s eyes will bolt open at 2am and a low, rumbling voice will tell him, “Eddie, we have to go now. McDonald’s is open.”

If Venom has a significant other, and they’re crying about something or someone, Venom will get all big and roar, “Who was being mean to you?!” in a very quick and demanding voice. The same one he has when referred to as a parasite. 

Venom enjoys Christmas time. It’s not about the gift giving, like it is for others, it’s just he gets excited by all the lights. There’s so many colors and things going on in the winter it’s stimulating for him. 

I can see the same thing going for cartoons. All the colors, the quick pacing, and the wild actions of the seemingly immortal drawn characters are enough to both keep the symbiote interested and give him some ideas for stuff to try.

Venom once wanted to drive a car, and after a while Eddie cautiously agreed. Worst mistake ever. Venom is a terrible driver and he speeds around extreme Tokyo Drift style and screaming, “OH YEAH!” Eddie vows never to repeat this mistake. 

He’s also very talkative during movies. Especially horror movies. Like those gore-porn series like Saw and Human Centipede drive him crazy because he keeps saying things like, “This is ridiculous. That’s not how a body looks when it’s ripped!” and, “Oh, Eddie. We will have to try that.” Beware of watching movies with him. Although if it’s a romance drama he may shush you to be quiet because he ‘wants to see what will happen’.

May force Eddie to buy a Spider-Man toothbrush. If unavailable or he’s not especially fond of the Spider-Man at the current moment, he’ll make sure Eddie buys a toothbrush that has Venom’s favorite color or something. 

I don’t know what his favorite color is, but I do know Venom is a purple enjoyer. Like he believes lavender to be pure fire. 

Venom is a romantic. Now I have evidence for this. In the movie Sony did, Venom seemingly enjoys when Eddie refers to himself and Venom as ‘we’. He explains that he is also seen as a loser amongst his people, that he enjoys how the city looks at night, he gives Eddie relationship advice with Anne, he takes to Eddie very quickly, and he’s desperate to get back to him. 

I think about the idea of Venom being in a relationship with someone, although Eddie is not in a relationship with that person. I see him as kind of clingy. Like, most people agree that actually seeing your partner 24/7 and never having alone time isn’t all that healthy. Venom will whine about it. “Why can’t we see them all the time?” And when he’s not with them, he’ll think about them. Ex: scaling a building and viewing the city from the tippy top, he’ll tell Eddie that the partner would enjoy the view. Actually annoys Eddie a lot. 

Venom is genderfluid. It’s canon in comics and film, because his form changes between masculine and feminine depending on the host. But you know he doesn’t think about those things. Like if you called him genderfluid or pansexual or anything of that silly little liberal label sort he’d say, “what?”

This came to me while watching Parks and Recreation. Venom says taxation is theft. You could explain the concept of it to him and he would yell, “That is stealing!”

Venom is cat person.

Venom does not like anti-depressants. It messes with his system or something, although he is somewhat empathetic towards depression. Somewhat. Don’t forget what Venom is. 

*These headcanons can be expanded on and added to over time. Headcanons can be left in comments to be added to the list. These headcanons will be used in kyber’s fanfictions for this character. All headcanons can be used to inspire a fanfiction request. All headcanons discussed in comments must be discussed politely and are welcomed.

[jeongvision]

nct’s jaehyun’s perfume collection review!!

for part two, please refer to here!

hello, all! so some of you may have already known that in the past month, i have impulsively purchased various of perfumes, some of which are based on jaehyun’s personal perfume collection that he uses as mentioned on various platforms. some of the scents he uses are:

tom ford white suede

tom ford fucking fabulous

le labo neroli 36

jo malone myrrh & tonka

jo malone wood sage & sea salt

byredo bal d’afrique

as someone who loves collecting perfumes myself, this was a perfect excuse for me to buy some to get an idea on how he would ‘smell’ like!

some of you have asked for me to post a review of his perfumes! i will be primarily listing my reactions, experiences, and ratings for each scent, along with pictures of jaehyun associated with each scent and if the scent is masculine, feminine, or neutral. i have purchased all of them except for tom ford fucking fabulous. the byredo bal d’afrique will be reviewed at a later date after it arrives in the mail, so for now only 4/6 scents will be discussed.

disclaimer: this is NOT an advertisement but simply a fun and personal review of his perfume collection! but i wouldn’t be opposed with possible brand deals with any of them

before you buy!! some of the fragrances will react differently on your skin as the scents are based on your body chemistry with certain chemicals listed on their ingredients. thus, you may smell a different scent when sprayed on your body than on mine. not only that, some of the perfumes utilizes synthetic ingredients, which can be a deterrent for those with a sensitive nose. i strongly recommend sampling them out at local stores before purchasing as these brands are expensive.

without further ado, happy reading! please do tell me your personal experiences if you have also tried some of them (or perfumes from other members!) <3

warnings: heavy cursing, some vulgar language lmao (they will be listed as [**] if you would like to skip those parts, especially for minors)

TOM FORD WHITE SUEDE

“The addictive pull of leather and suede is channeled through an elegant musk-derived composition. Musk’s primal intensity is harmonized with saffron and thyme, heightened with velvety rose and warm amber. Warm, supple and sensual, a perfume with an irresistible expression of raw desire.” —Tom Ford

first and foremost, i just want to say holy fucking SHIT HE SMELLS SO FUCKING GOOD WTF ASKJFKLSJ

[**] HE SMELLS SO FUCKING SEXYAJJF IT’S HARD HOURS FOR HIM EVERY TIME I SMELL IT

like?? oh my god?????

i literally CRIED in my car after smelling it bc oh my gOD HE SMELLS LIKE THAT??!?!??

HE SMELLS LIKE A FUCKING BOYFRIEND OH MY GODJSJFJKS

i can never look at him the same way ever again holy crap

“raw desire” sOMEBODY PLEASE SAVE ME I CAN’T—

[**] like honestly it makes me want to eat his neck and choke on his dick whAt

anyways

it has a leathery and musky scent to it with a mix of powdery!!

slightly sharp when you first spray it but once it settles and marinates on your skin and clothing, it’s PERFECT

listen i’m still shooked that he smells like THAT

my friend told me one day to spray it on a big sweater and wear it to mimic wearing one of ‘his’ sweaters and—

:(

i wanted to kith him

and hug him

and cuddle with him

and never let him go aaAAAHHH

[**] oh daddy

masculine or feminine? androgynous

recommend? YES ARE YOU KIDDING ME

rating? “i’m going to name my future kid eleven because he is going to be better than you.” —liu yangyang to ten

LE LABO NEROLI 36

“Neroli is another name for the essence of Orange Blossom. The unique quality of our Neroli is its sunny floral character with an extraordinarily warm, sensual base. Rose, musk, mandarin orange (slightly aldehydic), jasmine and vanilla, among other essences, complete the portrait, bringing Neroli 36 spikiness, ease, zest and heat... Well-being, elegance and charm all in a bottle!” —Le Labo

okay so i purchased this (and many other scents) as a sample (1.5 ml) bc this shit is hella expensive

like bro the price of it as 15 ml costs more than jo malone’s 30 ml

maybe it’s bc they said lab techs compound it on-demand??

not sure

but anyways

this gives me straight flower boy vibes

like i’m in a flower shop and there’s a cute florist behind the counter trimming and tending plants with such careful hands

but the white floral kinds

OHOHOHOHO

WE LOVE IT

if you like those kinds of scents, then this is definitely the scent for you!

seriously it smells like lilies and all the white florals alike

personally i like the sweet floral scents so this one is okay to me

still smells really good!

reminds me of glade’s fresh linen carpet powder so it unlocked a repressed memory of my childhood LMFOAODA

what a gentleman he smells like uwuuu

honestly if i was getting married to someone and he showed up to my wedding as a guest wearing this perfume i’d leave my fiancé on the spot

this man has quality tastes wtf

masculine or feminine? gender neutral (ish)? more feminine if i have to say

recommend? if you like white floral scents then you would go BONKERS over this!

rating? 7/10 only bc i prefer sweet floral over white floral scents but if i didn’t then i’d rate it 10/10

JO MALONE MYRRH & TONKA

“Rich, hand-harvested sap of the Namibian myrrh tree, mingling with the warm almond and lush vanilla notes of the tonka bean. Noble and intoxicating.” —Jo Malone

oh bitch

BITCH

THIS MOTHERFUCKER SMELLS SO FUCKING GOOD OH MY FUCKING GODDDDDDD

“noble and intoxicating” DAMN FUCKING RIGHT IT IS

[**] I WILL GET ON MY KNEES FOR THIS MAN IF I EVER SMELL THIS ON HIM

my royal liege, jung jaehyun, i am at your SERVICE HELLO SIR WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TODAY

he could step on my face and i’d thank him for allowing me to breathe the same air as him oh my god—

ahem

moving along now

it has a vanilla and amber scent to it! a very nice and sweet scent to it that’s not too overbearing

usually i’m not a big fan of vanilla or cake fragrances bc they tend to nauseate me

but this one?

ohohoho

this is the good stuff

i didn’t exactly purchase this one; i bought other fragrances from jo malone and they gave me free samples to choose from, and myrrh & tonka was one of them sO MIGHT AS WELL TRY IT OUT

so glad i did omg i don’t regret it

i might just buy a bottle of it

[**] another one bites the dust just RAIL ME ALREADY JUNG JAEHYUN I’M BEGGING YOU—

[**] daddy pls

masculine or feminine? androgynous, but leaning slightly towards feminine

recommend? YES OH MY GOD

rating? CHITTAPHON OUT OF TEN

JO MALONE WOOD SAGE & SEA SALT

“Escape the everyday along the windswept shore. Waves breaking white, the air fresh with sea salt and spray. The mineral scent of rugged cliffs, mingling with earthy sage.” —Jo Malone

yo this shit smells good

like REALLY good

he smells like beaches and lemons hELLO THERE

no wonder this is one of their best sellers wtf this man has IMMACULATE TASTE EYE—

AND THERE’S ONLY ONE (1) OF HIM IN THIS ENTIRE WORLD???!?

HUH!?!!?

life truly isn’t fair, huh

okay god i see you with favorites

now

let’s see here

very citrusy!!

also has that marine type of scent to it making it exceptionally aromatic!

not too much of a boujee scent like m&t where you would use on special events

this is more like a scent you would use on a daily basis going out

but upgraded

like you would smell fresh and expensive

kind of like a lowkey rich kid type of scent but you’re humble about it but lowkey kinda flexing yk?

this smell is BEAUT i love it omg i cant stop sniffing it

i’m a sucker for citrus scents :(

i’d wear this shit to school everyday if i could and have all my friends smell me

damn i bet his sweaters smell hella nice with this perfume :(

masculine or feminine? gender neutral

recommend? yes, yes, and yes.

rating? 10/10

tl;dr— jaehyun has expensive tastes and smells so fucking sexy how is he even real what the fUCk

[imdreaminadream]

The results pt 2 ~ what about it makes you cringe?” Category 3

( - prologue.   - part 1  - category 1  - category 2 )

Okay so this is the results to the question in the quiz, What about it makes you cringe. In reference to the questionnaires core subject about smut fanfics.

Also quick psa there will be a part for the results for the other question -  “In kpop fics, Korean words i.e. jagiya, seem to be a no no, would you like to elaborate why?”

Now note these particular results are going to be split into 3 posts because I decided to split the results into 3 categories. 1 - Writing Aspects. 2 -  Personal Preferences. 3 - Genuine Problems.   >This post is category 3<

TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR MENTIONS OF - rape, minors engaging in sex, child pornography, childhood trauma, unsafe bdsm/kinky sex, misogyny?, toxic masculinity? anything else that needs to be tagged message me so I can add them.

DISCLAIMER BELOW. (please read that before continuing)

This is going to be a long post. The responses were very enlightening but please don’t take this as an attack. Consider this more as constructive cheat sheet to good smut writing or just ignore it if you don’t agree with it. Some of this did a bit deep apricate trigger warnings will be put on the appropriate posts but I’m not sorry it got deep fics can also affect real life as much as we wish it were something that didn’t mix in with real life, it does. I’m no official like sex guru or big-time writer, or what ever BUT I did add little advice underneath each answer, which are just a reflection of the people’s answers. Again if you don’t like the sounds of this don’t take it personal and click off.

Genuine problems

Rape territory - There was a common theme of people commenting about what is essentially edging into rape territory. This was talked about with both sexes, where one expresses, they’re not in the mood but the other just continues to make advances on them until they end up having sex. Everyone who spoke about it mentioned it comes across as coercive or forceful (which would be dubious consent, but I personally know how no one tags it as that because they don’t realize.) something that makes them immediately stop reading and knocks an author’s credit in their eyes. When a character is crying as though they’re not enjoying it, but the sex doesn’t stop and there is not safe word that is used.

No advice for this just use common sense.

Lack of tags which indicate trigger/content warnings - This only came up a handful of times but considering its importance I added it in here to talk about. The comments about it were straight forward as is the topic. Some authors aren’t tagging their work appropriately and it’s actually quite dangerous. You tag your work for a reason to let people know what is involved in it before they read, tagging everything is crucial. If something isn’t tagged you risk the reader, at the very least, the reading but then feeling discontent because it had something in they don’t like to read. Then at the worst you risk people’s mental health, you risk them having panic attacks, anxiety attacks because their trigger was in your fic but they didn’t know because it wasn’t tagged for them to see and know not to read because it could trigger them.

Advice for this is to bold things which you know for sure are sensitive topics, and make sure to tag everything in your damn fucking tag section. You risk people having panic attacks when you don’t tag your work right and they read your work only to find out it has their trigger included in it being blindsided because after reading your shitty tags they didn’t know but you put it in there. Also please don’t just tag smut, tag everything included in that smut because something works are tagged smut and then next thing you know person b is being choked, clothes cut by a knife, restrained with rope, told they’re a slut/whore.

They’re a minor - This also only came up a handful of times, not because people don’t care but probably because they don’t commonly come across it enough however this is incredibly important topic even outside of what about smut makes you cringe. This shouldn’t be a problem, as in it shouldn’t be happening as the people who commented, me and all of you know. They’re a minor, under 18, they’re technically still considered child in the law’s eyes anything sexual about them, like writing smut about them would be considered child pornography. “Things that persons under 18 are prohibited from doing - being depicted in pornographic materials.” No one even cares about “but I’m the same age as them uwu.” It still doesn’t make it right so don’t try and use excuses. Also, the minute a person turns 18 if your first thought is oh, I can write smut about them or request someone to write it for me please just leave that’s like preying on them as though you counted down till they were 18 and now the only value you see in them is for sex.

Mine and everyone else’s advice DON’T FUCKING DO IT.

Also, to note I don’t know what the official rules are for age swapping so like writing an adult person as a minor and depicting them in smut materials, to cope with your trauma, would anyone be open to talking to me about it, like educating me? There has just been this sudden wave more fics being, it’s okay to write adult that I made a child in my fic engaging in sexual content because it helps me cope with my trauma. It just seems everyone’s started saying that and I don’t know how many are being genuine or using it as an excuse or gone with the flow treated it like a trend. Not to be rude just genuinely how legit is this? How many people who write it have genuinely experienced that trauma? P.s if you have experienced that trauma, I am genuinely so sorry and know I am not disrespecting or invalidating your trauma I promise.

Female Characters/misogyny? - Now what this means is everyone expressed how they hate the constant portrayal that it only takes seconds for a female to reach an orgasm and she already wet to go like some kind of tap. They also highlighted a big problem with constantly painting the female as this innocent, dainty, dumb, naïve, shy, small, little girl. Women have brains too; women can give as good as they get and aren’t these shy naïve little playthings. All women have different personalities, the stereotypes about women in fics I’ve seen through the answers, and myself in fics, to my questionnaire is upsetting everyone. And you can see why, is it not bad enough we are subjected to misogyny and stereotyped in real life but now we have to see it in fics too. It genuinely does make people stop reading, it makes them cringe as the answers have suggested. One person mentioned this in their response, and I feel it should also be included, “y/n is absolutely okay with everything being done to her.” This isn’t something we should ever hear. This category feels like the right category to mention it so just consider their words, consider why that makes them cringe at smut writing that includes that.

To everyone the advice is a no brainer when you look at the responses. Make sure that the female character is actually getting turned on like into the mood before even thinking about mentioning that she is wet. And consider that a lot of statistics and personal experiences of other women stating it’s not all that easy to orgasm during sex, and not typical for her to come before the male, so make it sound like it’s worth the female characters while not that they do it for 3 minutes and suddenly she is coming.

Please also STOP with the constant bullshit of stereotyping of women as exampled above. If you like to feel small or submissive or whatever in the bedroom and you express that in your fics I get you but that does not mean you have to portray the female character as dumb, naïve, small, weak like for the love of god spice it up a bit, make her powerful, clever, with personality etc.… being in charge of her own body, knowing about her body, and what she wants and how to get it.

Btw no one is saying it’s not okay to be shy and that before you come in here like “why are you shaming shy, or small girls or dd/lg kink,” it’s not that I can assure you. We’re talking about the stereotype of it that is used to make the women seem more pliable for the man to control essentially not the genuine personalities/kinks people have.

Very passive sub female reader and overly dom male - Now many people spoke how an over macho dom male, and a passive - made out like they’re dumb, submissive female is a dynamic that is making them cringe now. It’s not a dynamic they care for anymore, and I agree with them especially considering the issues it brings about. “ Whenever the female reader is extremely passive and shy/flustered whereas the idol/character is extremely assertive/condescending/dominating/leading everything in comparison.” There is a personal preference to this yes# people acknowledged this, however when talking about this dynamic they further explained the issues with it. Overly passive female has already been touched on but to reiterate the replies insinuated they’re sick of seeing women in fics treated how they are in real life essentially – like some dumb little girl. One person said, “I like when the girl can give as good as she gets, though that’s just my preference.” So, like what has been discussed before this portrayal of females it absolute bullshit and needs to fucking stop being such a constant portrayal. (mind break is different so don’t start)

Then for the male side of things it’s enforcing the stereotype men are macho an alpha male, they don’t have feelings they just think with their dick and have all grr I’m super toxically manly do you ever lift bro, I’m so strong, I get all the bitches, fuck all the girls, the have control over the passive female and not in a consenting way, in an entitled way. Which no, they can have feelings, they can be softer more feminine all whilst still identifying as a man. They can be submissive just as much as a anyone else, they can be a switch or just a dom that isn’t this macho, macho, man. They can be needy, loving, caring, in touch with themselves, their feelings and everything the female character is made out to be, apart from dumb, naïve and weak of course, yano all those negative things any gender and non-gender people want to be associated with. If the guy wants to get railed by the female and be the sub in the dynamic of male x female, then fair enough let it happen there isn’t nothing wrong with it.

All in all, it’s okay for males to be more feminine than masculine and females more masculine than feminine. It’s okay to portray that in fics genuinely. I wouldn’t say I have any advice for this other than the obvious no more macho man and passive females.

Use of Korean words. - If you’re not a Korean person don’t think you’re in the right to argue about this. The Korean people have spoken up and you will listen and respect them. Know this is an important topic, however there will be a separate post for this, so I’ll keep this bit short to then expand on more in the separate post. Just wanted to make you the reader aware that this is an issue.  It’s not okay to be treating noona, unnie and oppa like a kink if you are not Korean, or have Korean heritage. The people who are Korean so kindly explained, it was a normal word for them like just another part of their culture until bad egg kpop fans got their hands on it and they have now sexualized it to the point where some Korean people do not feel comfortable to even use it without thinking of the sexual connotation it has now been given. 

Now like I said I will talk further about that and more, to do with the use of Korean words in fics, in another post, I don’t already have that post drafted so it might take a while to get out and post. However in that time I’m gladly open to hearing more people who are Korean and have Korean heritage, views on this. Or if you too have experience with a word from your language having been taken from being an innocent word to now having a sexual connotation as well because of people not from your country/culture having given it that sexual meaning. It could be helpful to further emphasis the point about the Korean words but also show overall no matter the language/country that it’s making the people of that country/culture uncomfortable. 

Also I hope it doesn’t come across like I’m trying to speak over Koreans. If anything i want to be helpful more than a hinderance. This was something that was spoken about on the questionnaire so I’m just writing what the Korean people have expressed about it in the questionnaire. I want to be able to give their voices from the questionnaire a platform and shed light on this situation, with them.

Also can I ask if gender is a factor in this as well? I’ve seen on tiktok where some Korean guys like being called oppa but I’m not sure if that's in a respectful light or a sexual light, if they were being sarcastic for the Korea-boos or? but i have never seen women say they like being called noona in a way that comes across as a turn on? So can anyone comment on that? send me anons pls.

Too much degradation - Of course everyone who has mentioned this has said it is quite a personal preference thing, the acknowledge that it’s a kink not for everyone. Although on the flip side them relentlessly mentioning it give the feel that it’s becoming more of a problem and less of it’s okay it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. You see they exampled “bitch, slut, whore.” It’s so commonly used, and they even said how they’re finding it not tagged majority of the time, so seeing that surprisingly in the fics constantly it makes them cringe but it’s not a type of thing one can get over it’s apparent it’s becoming a slight problem. It begs the question how much degradation is too much, why is it constantly being used in fics? Does everyone love labeling the female y/n a bitch, whore, slut? Why is the male y/n never called a slut as much as female y/n? Do females have more of a degradation kink than men?

I can’t think of any advice to give based on the feedback, apart from obviously add it to your tags that there is a lot of degradation but it there is anything anyone else wants to add on this topic feel free to re-blog with your take or send me anons.

Describing features on a y/n fic - A few people have mentioned this, and I categorized it as a problem because well it is because not only does it make them cringe in smut fics but also in normal fics and poc feel oppressed in yet another way. When it’s written as y/n it’s supposed to allow the reader to insert themselves into the fic to imagine themselves in there, yet it’s not always done like that. As one of the responses said, it seems authors like that tend to project themselves or their ideal selves onto y/n physical feature wise. More often than not as the responses have indicated y/n is portrayed as cis female, white, blonde, blue eyes, other physical traits such as breast size, dick size body type, height and hair length are portrayed too, which pulls the readers out of imagining because they’re being told they have features they don’t. It’s especially bad for poc because their race never gets portrayed in fics, so it gives the message white race is the most favorable and we already know how racist the world is no need to bring it into fics either unknowingly or purposely.

Moral of the story, stop racism, end it. Go educate yourself.

Moral of the story, in regard to fics, well don’t describe y/n thoroughly. Instead leave it as vague as possible, I mean it’s not even needed to know what eye colour y/n has when they’re in the middle of getting railed.

Quick intermission to just say make sure you tag what gender and pronouns y/n has for your fic, so people are fully aware what y/n they’re getting in this fic.

Nor do we need to know what skin colour they have, it can easily be mentioned that a character is touching y/n’s body without saying they have milky skin indicating they’re white. It is very possible to not give y/n a race. Also, height, keep height out of it don’t describe it because not everyone is 5’2. (hello yes, I’m 5’10 so imagine me reading character a of height 5’8 towering over me, I mean maybe if they wear heels yes but otherwise no.) Similarly, don’t ever describe body types, you can say an outfit flatters a person’s figure without describing it, people can have sex without their body being specifically described i.e., slim figure, toned shapely legs. Please understand that by not describing y/n you’re helping to contribute to racism, and these wacky beauty standards that are already being forced onto us in the real world never mind the fictional world. 

Lack of safe word - Following on from kinks not being portrayed correctly there is the issue of lack of safe word. Now this is something that again didn’t come up quite a lot but that doesn’t mean it’s not an issue. Some are writing fics where one of the people involved, are being railed to high hell and it’s kinky as fuck or you’re writing a BDSM specific fic. Which is okay we are not judging or shaming but it’s concerning how with all this type of sex being had there is no even slight mention of the pairing having a safe word which is has the name would imply really important. It is there to keep the people participating in this kinky sex safe, without that it’s really harmful. Now if you think oh but writing in the discussion of safe words is really unsexy, especially when I’m just trying to make the characters fuck really kinky, then please go educate yourself. Safe words are incredibly sexy when you know it means you get to have bomb ass kinky sex but know that you can also have boundaries that should and will be respected, and a word or system i.e. traffic light system, to pause or stop when ever you need to in order to keep the kinky sexy safe.

The obvious advice is to incorporate consent and knowledge of safe word in your fic. It can be as simple as writing that the characters stop a minute for person a saying to person b you know your safe word. And then writing a small mini paragraph of person b feeling even more in love and/or turned on because their boundaries are being respected. Then you just carry on with writing the smut. You can imply easily that they have a safe word, that it’s been discussed, therefore they’re gong to be safe, respected and made to feel good.

Also, I know there are some people out there who are, a bit unsure on writing a fic in which one person uses their safe word. This is your friendly supportive message to just do it, don’t be afraid of what others think, do it for you it’s something great to write. There are many different ways you can go with it, so you do it if you want to 😊.

Honorable mentions of things that make the people cringe.

(Not a problem just as we are at the end of this category I figured I’d put honorable mentions. disclaimer again, these are other people’s comments from the questionnaire. You are entitled not to agree with them however do not attack me as some have been doing.)

fetishize people’s gender or race/ethnicity

uneducated use of other cultures to make it look authentic

Use of the word plum when they mean plump. One’s a fruit/colour, the other means having a full rounded shape.

PICK ME Y/N (we all know the type)

Stereotypes of all kinds. Of people, phrases, troupes etc.….

Written in a way it sounds monotone. i.e., “He did this, he did that, I did this.”

 When all y/n does during a smut scene is whine. There are other synonyms people.                                                                               

infantilization of y/n. stop making me feel like the person who the fic is about, is a nonce.                                                                                      

y/n is constantly oh so innocent. Like they can be a virgin don’t get it wrong. BUT we all know 9 times out of 10 y/n reads fanfic so they ain’t innocent.· 

no refractory period. 

try hard humour in the middle of smut.

terrible euphemisms

proper unrealistic dick sizes

adding in smut into a plot where it doesn’t fit

try hard

more to come potentially?       

END OF CATERGORY 3

(Feel free to discuss in comments, in my messages or send anons or anything like that if you want.)

@nctsworld  @lauraneuuh @jooniyah  

 Tag list:

@ceoofxiaojun @lovemayble  @myelle-n

(@smutwritingpolice) (@smutwhy)

[tomatograter]

How do ya capture the "voice" of homestuck characters so well? Besides studying the comic, is there any other media you consume to really get in their head?

First off: Thanks, i’m happy you enjoy my stuff! Secondly… there ARE a few steps i take to the madness.

I basically come from a Dungeon master/Open-world roleplay management background, so when approaching HS cast voices and trying to understand a character to write a story for them i usually take into account 1.INSPIRATIONS, 2.INTERESTS & due to homestuck’s nature, 3.INTERPRETATIONS (As opposed to “player intent”- Hussie’s work is an amalgam of himself and the public input.)

Rereading their logs/sections always helps when you’re trying to figure out their language, pacing, and a bit of their temperament, but getting too lost on mimicking their messages as-is without looking into the character itself may risk leaving them ringing hollow or repetitive (specially for the section of the public that may be more familiar with this character than you are. This is something that may matter to you or not, if you WANT this work to appeal to a specific public or are just messing around.) Because it may just come down to mindless quirk indulgence. In my experience, readers are more forgiving & enthralled by creators who, while not following the specifics of a character’s quirk to a T maintain a sense of internal logic that is congruent with what is shown throughout their appearances. Some AU’s specifically remix, remove or substitute these aspects, and the reason why people usually don’t complain about it is that “it makes sense- given (x) and (x) context.” Like kidswap aus, etc. 

Another thing about Quirks is that they can very easily be broken. Having a grasp of how quirk rules affect a character based on their emotional state and how it changes over time is more valuable than internalizing a hard set of rules that never changes. (Ex: Sollux’ quirk evolves over time. So does Aradia’s, as she changes bodies. June’s quirk takes on Vriska-like qualities after they begin chatting, Vriska uses 8’s and exclamation points more liberally and/or nonsensically when she’s angry/distressed/desperate, Jake’s transatlantic slang and embellishment of speech is mostly at the backseat unless he’s pretending/anxious/overwhelmed, otherwise he’s pretty simple.) Knowing how to break a quirk is just as good as knowing how to write it - traditional prose in fics *may not use quirks at all*, but they’re so good at grasping the particular intonation a character uses when stringing words together at a given situation that you don’t mind that at all. It’s a smooth adaptation.

[GREAT RESOURCE: this google drive has a compilation of all logs between characters in Homestuck separated by participants but usually only lists them on one-on-one basis, so you may wanna look at groupchats in the original comic. I think the epilogues section may be still unfinished. I forget who originally posted it on twitter but i know they have a dedicated tumblr, i’ll edit this if someone can name their blog]

“INSPIRATIONS” are usually how i define character personalities by their distinct mix of archetypes. This is the “PROTAGONIST”, “GOTH GIRL”, “SILLY GIRL”, “COOL GUY”, “WEIRDO”, “GAMER GIRL”, “CODING WANNABE” and other such little buzzwords that HS will throw around in reference to each of its characters, and that usually, but not always, function as a setup to subvert the expectations based on that character come a certain point in the story. Where does the character you’re trying to write fall into, when you try to describe them in these terms? Does their story humour this definition, reject it, destroy it, or evolve it? Does this seem like a genuine fact about them, or a facade? Why do you think that is? (Asking questions is my preferred way of pulling apart and understanding a character, this may work differently for you.)

“INTERESTS” is where i look into for that chunky, fatty, well-grilled meat that goes in the middle of a character’s text. Homestuck characters are defined by what they like, what they aspire to be, and what they fail at becoming(& how that shapes their actions going forwards). Interacting with the media they like may not always be the way, but having a general idea of how it functions and what it means to them is usually very helpful. I was already familiar with a lot of things my favorite characters enjoy, and thus it was easier for me to get attached to them. I also had to watch a lot of shitty movies sometimes. You win some, you lose some.

EX: It’s easier to write Dave’s pov if you have a good grasp of the pop culture & economics he so often references. (What he likes) It’s easier to write Rose’s pov when you’ve searched a bit of armchair psychology wikipedia definitions and familiarized yourself with the genre and existential questions usually involved in Eldritch Horror, and how it evolved outside of Lovecraft. (What she aspires to be like) It’s easier to write Jake when you understand his persona is a collage of juvenile and outdated archetypes taken from action flicks & shitty mainstream comicbooks, that he ultimately fails to ever live up to and hinders his development as a kid at odds with self-imposed traditional masculinity, dreading to publicize the big “Gay” word. (What he fails at becoming)

It’s always useful to ask yourself “Why does this character like (x)” and what that particular thing may say about them. It doesn’t have to be a big groundbreaking revelation, just put yourself into their shoes and try to reverse engineer what you’re presented about them vs their environment, personal issues, and you might just find yourself understanding why they do what they do. 

“Karkat probably likes cheesy romantic comedies because they’re peak middleclass normalass media for someone who’s ostracized from troll society and is purposefully a shithead to keep people away”

“Terezi probably likes dragons because they’re FUCKING COOL but also whoops here’s all this historic lore about Redglare and their lusus and a tragic sense of JUST1C3”

“Aradia probably grapples with the concept of mortality and the ephemeral nature of life, so she’s really into the morbid observation of disasters & archeology & bones, i guess? Is this because she died really young? Oh. Maybe yeah.”

But if you find the above too hard to access on your own, that’s where 

INTERPRETATIONS come in to make this process smoother in the case you just wanna write an extended cast thing and frankly you could not give less of a shit about (x)’s lore, you just want to have a sense of what people like about them, and why people read about them, and how you can purposefully adapt that into your text so socmedia user halfucker69 isn’t crying on your mentions for 11 whole threaded comments about how you did their babyboybaby wrong. I can’t exactly point to you where you can FIND meta because this highly depends on the character, and sometimes you just have to make your own food, but you’ll be good if you try to look into creators who post about these characters, whose thoughts or fan media seem to be congruent with your idea of said character or solid enough that you can easily see how it’s been developed from point A to point B. Interact with more fanworks. Find out what works for you and what doesn’t. “Character study” is a whole genre of fanfic, if you don’t wanna go for shippy stuff - but a lot of “shippy stuff” has its own valuable edge to seeing how people internalize a character, and shouldn’t be as easily dismissable as it is. Again, you’ll have to rely on your own sense of internal logic here - you can’t take EVERY work as the universal truth, but trying stuff out will give you a better sense of who you think this character is.

Then you have to get around trying to write it, which is easier said than done. A lot of times writing about a character will lead you to understanding them better, and you may even find yourself disagreeing with things past-you said when you were first beginning to think about them, and that’s ok. You only get better at writing by asking better questions and then writing some more. Take your time with it. I hope this helps!

[noona96n]

Google says that mandarin, korean, turkish and hungarian are gender neutral, among many others. Which is such a weird concept to me, a slavic person, whose language has three grammatical genders (feminine, masculine and neuter (for objects)) and 7 grammatical cases, and due to grammar it's impossible to speak in neutral way. This sucks for non binary people because they can use either masculine or feminine pronoun. Again, due to grammar "they" like in english can't be used. Yeah :/

oh im so sorry about that... it really is weird to have grammatical genders. i speak french and i hate that shit about french... they only have 2 damn genders but i always get them mixed up lol 3 genders must be a nightmare T-T

anyway, i think what WBL anon was referring to was how the casts use a gender neutral term to refer to the person they could be interested in, not the grammatical gender. I THINK. do correct me if im wrong.

there are 'woman' (she), 'man' (he), or 'that person' (gender neutral) but the cast used 'that person', or something of that variety, when asked about their ideal types. WBL anon liked that and i like that too.

i think it's pretty normal for mandarin speaker to use 'that person' in a conversation, unlike in English, which just sounds weird.

i'm not sure about the specific terms in mandarin and korean but in japanese, there are 彼女 (kanojou, she/gf), 彼氏 (kareshi, he/bf), and その人 (sono hito, that person). その人 (sono hito) can be used interchangeably with 彼女 (kanojou) and 彼氏 (kareshi). it all depends on which one the speaker wants to use.

my language (khmer) has a similar situation. អាមួយនឹង (that guy), មីមួយនឹង (that girl), and ម្នាក់នឹង (that person). (this is everyday language and a bit vulgar haha)

im pretty sure mandarin has the same terms; i can read of the Chinese characters (bcs they're similar to kanji) and i've see gender neutral terms being used instead of gender specific terms when gender specific terms can be used. (again, i don't speak mandarin, what ik is from what i read from the subtitles haha... mandarin speaker, pls help me?)

so, to consciously use that specific gender neutral term is important and it means a lot.

i personally prefer gender neutral terms and my pronoun is she/they bcs i identify mainly as a woman but i prefer the gender neutral pronoun 'they' just as much as 'she/her' bcs i grow up using it to refer to myself and people around me... it's ingrained in my brain.

[fandom-star]

Non-Binary Week

I've not answered any of the questions the organisers of this have put out until now, but as yesterday was the last day, I'm just gonna answer them all today!

1. Personally, my experience of being non-binary is being a mix of both the male and female genders. The way I experience it can be shown in the ratio male:female as 80:20.

2. My pronouns are they/them, however I probably wouldn't mind he/him either.

3. My honorific is Mx. I used to have a mixed (ha) opinion on it, but over the past six months or so I've grown to actually really love it!

4. I mean, naturally I have to say that the purple on the flag represents me best! It's my favourite colour! However, of the four colours, it's the most obvious to symbolise the mix of male and female that I experience.

1. The first time I heard of non-binary was when an old internet friend of mine came out as non-binary. I never really thought much of it other than now knowing what pronouns I had to use for them! 

2. I started questioning my gender more than two years ago. I used several non-binary labels before settling on just non-binary seven months later.

3. As I said before, I used some other more specific labels, which changed as my understanding of myself developed. 

4. I have! I came out to my best friend basically when I labelled myself as non-binary. Then I came out to my mum the next Summer. Then I subtly came out to my other friends. And I came out on Instagram on Tuesday (actual non-binary day) and Friday.

5. I haven't come out to my granny or my dad, and I almost certainly never will. 

1. I love the community we have. Like, the majority of non-binary people I know on- and offline are really amazing.

2. I definitely know a lot more about gender and the history of it than I used to.

3. I've gained gained more acceptance of the way I am. I've also gained insight to some of my behaviours when I was younger. 

4. My favourite gender euphoria moments are definitely seeing or hearing my name. Not many people actually call me Elliott regularly, which is fine bc in most settings it's preferred that they don't (e.g. at school or in fandom spaces where I've almost always been known as Ell), but it's really nice to open my laptop and see it wanting "Elliott J" to log in and things like that.

1. I'm asexual, bi- and/or panromantic and autistic.

2. Well, my sexuality and everything intersect because it's all queer. Autism and trans identities intersect because a lot of autistic people are also trans and/or non-binary. While there is no exact reasoning behind this, some have connected it to our lack of understanding or different view of social situations.

3. Well, autistic and non-binary rep is incredibly lacking separately, put them together and, well...

4. Please, please, please, don't listen to people who are "oh so concerned about the lickle autistic childwen" because they pretend that we can't think for ourselves, or worse, they BELIEVE that. We can. If autistic people couldn't think for themselves, I wouldn't be running this blog. I wouldn't be writing fanfiction. I probably wouldn't have friends. Don't fall into that trap.

1. I am asexual (cba to go into romantic attraction). I have known that for years, I feel like I probably class as an ace veteran! I'm not really sure how to describe my relationship with the terminology. 

2. Being non-binary definitely plays a part in how I refer to my body and and my relationship with it. As anyone who follows me probably knows, I have bad chest dysphoria, so I don't refer to that part of me with the "anatomically correct" term, I just call it my chest. I can't really change the terminology of anything else that bothers me. But yeah, being non-binary and the dysphoria I experience because of that definitely affects how I think of my body and relate to it.

3. Gender roles are shit, not gonna lie. I just do whatever the hell I want. I mean, cis people obsessed with them would probably say I fulfil the male role more than the female. But I don't know.

4. I definitely present myself in a more masculine way. I have short hair, I don't wear dresses or skirts, I only ever wear any kind of make-up for cosplay. However, a lot of my features are seen as proving that I'm "biologically female", and I don't bind as often as I'd like. 

5. I don't really know how often I think about being non-binary. I mean, I think about my gender more often than a cis man or woman probably does, but... I don't know. Not as much as I used to. 

1. Oh god, so many things people think are wrong. Probably that non-binary genders are new thing. They're not, they're really not. Western cultures just covered them up. A lot of indigenous cultures have more than one gender.

2. The most dangerous thing that people can think is that it doesn't exist and are only used to get attention. NO! If we wanted attention, there are SO MANY BETER AND SAFER WAYS TO DO SO!!!

3. I think it's definitely cis people, especially white cis people, who perpetrate the most misconceptions about us.

4. Binary people need to understand pretty much everything I've just said. And that if you want to have a say in this, do your research. And not just from a binary perspective. Actually LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT!!!

5. Just... just don't ask me anything unless I say you can. And when I do tell, please don't ask anything invasive.

1. I have both changed my name and my pronouns.

2. I want to legally change my name. I also want to legally change my gender to non-binary, but that can't happen until the government agrees to allow it. Which they haven't. 

3. I think I want to take testosterone for some time. Maybe between six months and a year. I also want a chest reduction. Not top surgery, because I think it would feel wrong for me if there was nothing.

4. I haven't tried to access any gender services yet. I probably won't have to lie, I hope not, I'm a horrible liar, but I suppose we'll just have to see.

5. I want to grow out my natural facial hair. I have a somewhat abnormal amount of facial hair for someone who's afab, and mum makes me get it off bc she's worried about bullying and stuff, so I'll probably have to wait until I go to uni to do that, which is only two years, so!

Thank you for getting this far! I hope this gave you some insight into me and my experiences as a non-binary person.

[heyyylittlemo]

Ask game

1. Where did you hide the body??

Me: *pause* No, where did you hide the body—

*police stare at me with disbelief*

Me: there’s no—there’s not a single body here—well stop looking at me like that, you’re the cop! You should know! Why are you asking me for! Body? Whaaaaaat. Ahaha.

*cops shake head*

*whispers to my friend* Guys I think I pulled that one off

Police: you know we can hear everything you’re saying

me: 👁👄👁

2. Favorite rock? The 1975. Dominic Fike. Arctic Monkeys. Bad Suns. The killers. Pale Waves. Etc. That good good shit 👌

3. Most aesthetic season? Fall. Love them orange colors. The leaves falling. Though spring is also neat if you have a bunch of flowers bloomin in shit and winter is only aesthetic when it’s snowing. Boring ass summer tho just be heating me up.

4. When texting do u shorten words or spell out? I used to write stuff out all the time mostly but now it’s like half and half bcuz its just faster and nobody got time for it 🤣🤣

5. Vintage stuff? Hell yeah, but maybe not anything too expensive since some old stuff IS hyper expensive.

6. Colors that pop or blend? Not sure I understand what u mean abt them blending ahaha u mean like when they’re so similar to another?? Well I think it’s nice but honestly I prefer a pop and a bang, y’Know?

- At this moment I realized I was answering the last few questions from a completely different ask and felt like a dumbass 😂 anyways the actual number we’re on is three so imma just kickback

3. Worst dream u have ever had? I had sleep paralysis but was imbetween that and a lucid dream. At first I was paralyzed and could see my bed but my eyes felt closed and open at the same time?? A giant dark demon looking dog had towered over me and began to tear at my neck. It looked and felt very real I started to try to scream and it felt like a scream was coming out but no sound exited. Then I went into a lucid dream where I was being chased by this dog and running for my life I was running by and nobody could save me nobody in the dream when it caught up to me I was back in my bed and it was trying to eat me again. I was so terrified I couldn’t sleep for a whole week.

4. Lyric that comes to your mind? “And I don’t think I can be there. I’m paralyzed,I’m terrified of being alone. When you said I deserved what had happened.”

5. Blood make u uncomfortable? Yes, I passed out once when getting my finger pricked and a VERY small blood sample and another when dissecting a fish.

6. Even or odd numbers? Well I like the number 5,7,9, 3 so odd. (Like me 🤣🤣)

7. Something I hate that I love? Anything I’ve ever loved becuz love can be frustrating. Bruh.

8. 1st initial of someone I hate? Hmm...do I hate someone tho? Not that I can think of...

9. *Skipping down the lane* NOPE

10. Corn dogs? It’s funny cuz when I think of corn dogs my mind will always go to when we first moved to our current house because at our initial town we never had Sonic and while we were getting the house fixed up and moving stuff we use to always get Sonic since it was the closest to us most times to eat and that was a bunch of corn dogs and hotdog days 🤣 so thnk u corn dogs for ur service

11. I’m not a huge movie person so...I looked up movies from 2005 and movies Inlike from this time are Brokeback mountain bcuz it’s gay af, Shark Boy and Lava Girl damn I rewatched the shot out of it when I was younger, Narnia and the Chocolate Factory(although it low key creeped me out as a kid, and idk why).

12. Least fav music genre? Most country, most EDM, dubstep, screaming/really hard rock, some pop music, mumble raping.

13. As someone who waits on tables, my job is my least favorite restaurant experience 🤣🤣 just dealing with ppl...like ok, I’m half Hispanic right?? But I look white. Well, I work at a Mexican restaurant and so sometimes racist costumers will say shady shit just bcuz I guess they think it’s appropriate to say it to me just bcuz I’m not Hispanic in their eyes?? But it pisses me off and I feel like I can’t say anything without causing a drama which I hate and when the “costumers always right” it can be hard to budge and stand up and say “bitch wtf did u just say??” And there’s just folks who take things the wrong ways or ask too much at once or give u a hard time or just say something that sticks onto you for the whole day. One bad move can turn my whole day upside down.

14. 3 things never come near me? Cockroaches, Needles, and close mind ppl

15. Worst way to die? With regrets. Something really brutual, random, or where something just happened to go wrong (accident). Being killed by someone u love.

16. Unusual habits? Doing a Michael Jackson esque “hee-hee” after every sneeze I make, being extremely clumsy and making every task 100% more difficult, having the ability to talk as if I have an accent that comes from nowhere in particular just stupidity also I can’t speak my own language half the time 🙃getting words confused or misusing them in a sentence so I sound dumb having a very weird imagination and thoughts, I swear it like I never went to school and don’t know how the world works, plus many many more

17. Clothing style u want? I want to dress in a way that screams who I am and is a blend of both femininity and masculinity. A little vintage. Grunge. Urban maybe?? What do I know abt fashion 🤣🤣

18. Song or artist that deserves more? Dijon, hands down. I love his stuff. He’s like Frank Ocean meets light-singing beautiful lyricist with a more rock vibe?? Hidden gem. I also think Durand Jones & the Indications needs more love along with BadBadNotGood they sound like old-times but are new!! Oh, and Pale Waves is like a female The 1975 and kicks it. Bad Suns is a good alt rock band that no one seems to recognize :,D Toro y Moi too! His song with Flume “The difference “ is a banger!! Kid Cudi is my man when I want a blend of rock and rap. Also Dominic Fike,King Krule, and Roy Blair, who are all amazing!! Ok I need to stop 🛑

Duck I answered the past questions from a different post I’m sorry 😐

17. Emoji never used? There’s a bunch since I reuse the same over and over again. Lmao

18. 3 sentence Gatorade horror story? A faint quiver overtook the small freezer the Gatorade lay in; no one had come by in days, hours, weeks; when was the last time he met the lips of a thirsty body? They’d forgotten about him, as his last sips remained glued to his hollowing entrance. ‘Help, ‘it wanted to say, but it’s frozen lips could not be moved; It’d stay here, die here...just like the rest.” What am I doing with my life 🤣🙏

19. Do u know what an old bay is? A bay that is old? And old ocean? Idk!!!

20. Can u dance? Sometimes I dance when I’m alone but nothing spectral lol

21. What first comes to ur mind when u see ropes? 2 extremes. Sex and death. Hm. Ok. Moving on.

22. Make an obscure reference. “Even a bra couldn’t hold these nipples” *Holds a water gun to chest*

23. Fav balloon color? Pink or yellow.

24. If u were in court would u be innocent or guilty? Depends, what am I in court for 🤣 lmao jk honestly idk bcuz I don’t think I’d wind up in there

25. Are u hungry ? Nope

26. Unlucky number? Hm I don’t think so but I have a lucky number “123”

27. What’s “JMD”stand for? I’m guessing...Jamming my d—- 💀lol jk ahaha why am so dirt

28. Random inside joke? *chirpy squeak* I’m making a double batch of cookies

29. What sends chills up ur spine? Seeing disgust food or smell disgust or talking abt disgust things like gore

30. How many questions are in ur inbox? A pathetic zero ahaha no one want to ask me anything 😂

31. Someone real who scares u. 2 of my ex friends. One when I was 10 said disturbing things and I was kinda forced onto the friendship and everything they said make me fear for others lives...and then a different ex friend who seemed normal at 1st but became both low key psychopath cult leader type stuff and I booed out of there—-.

32. Run or hide? Uhh probably hide because I’d say even if ppl say “u can run but u can’t hide” u CAN just hide! that’s the point of hiding they not find u xD also why not combine them? Hide then run somewhere far away once I got them off the trial.

33. Last person who made u angry? A frickin beetle that flew at me and pinched me in the middle of singing in the shed xD also my autocorrect

34. What’s going on in ur head? I should probably pee soon—

35. Little thing that makes u Smile? A lot of little things bruh.

36. Are u a descisive person?

Not sure.

*pAuse *

Ok, I guess I’m not then 🤣

37. Would ppl say I’m paranoid? Hm maybe about certain things social situations, singing in front of others what ppl think abt me etc etc

38. Store least likely in? Any southern clothes shop, Abercrombie & Finch types shit, lol

39. Do I like hats fave type? Hm not wear many hats but I think they’re cool any type is cool for different ppl and their aesthetici just can’t rock a hat.

40. Bow ties or ties? Don’t really care but now want to see more bow ties

41. Who? You.

42. What? Reading this shit

43. Where? In ur ass

44. When? Now.

45. Why? Not even u know why.

46. How? We all want to know

47. Do u collect anything? Vinyl records.

48. What tome is it? Time to get a watch

49. Fav transportation? My car or walk is possible

50. Would u ever kill someone to save someone? Don’t want to think about that

51. Make a joke. Yo, it’s time to make a joke—so the other day I was working. And I was practicing my Spanish, yes? Anyone whose trying to learn anew language k n o w s that sometimes words can be so close to another u just confuse then! So apparently churros in Spanish is a desert but if u say it more harshly (it literally sounds almost the same) it makes a whole different meaning—diharrea, but like I didn’t know that so I legit just walked up to this person and asked if they would like some shit to eat. So yeah, that was great. Let’s not forget that I mixed up blood, watermelon, and sangria which is a wine. I legit once said I had mixed wine in my vines and another time watermelon 🤣

52. I’m really confused so I skip

53. Would ur dash be confiscated SFW? By dash do u mean this account? Um not 😬

54. Do I like to cuddle? Hell yeah and manhandle ppl all the time it’s my affection

55. What makes u angry? Close minded ppl or ppl who jump too fast to conclusions, strict schedules just dumb stuff that people try to force when I just want to be carefree 😭✌️

56. How many voices are in ur head? 😐

57. Do U consider urself mentally stable? 😐

58. Are u easily offended? Well U just called me mentally unstable and asked it there was voices in my head!!

59. What’s wrong with taking the backstreets? Uhm...

60. Any questions u want ppl to ask u? Nothing in particular but it’s be nice if someone care to ask me something abt me from personal question to my opinions on shit to 19 days fandom related junk 😌

Woooo I’ve finished this game! Thanks to @seiji-amasawa for introducing me to this ^^

[natigail]

Favourite quotes from Basically I’m Gay (which will be so damn long because it was a fucking masterpiece - it’s also worth noting a lot of these are spoken with sarcasm and the trigger warnings from the video apply to some of these quotes):

Intro

Spoiler alert: I’m not straight.

Now we live in a heteronormative world, which is a long scary word that makes people feel attacked for some reason (shush, it’s okay). What is means is that people are presumed to be straight. If you’re not then at some point you have to come out, which is a whole thing or people might try to guess based on something you do or the way you act, because yay stereotypes.

Let me tell you a queer little story about a boy named Dan.

Chapter 1 - The Word

But a boy in the ‘90s being happy and generally polite acting sound kind of gay, if you ask me! Masculinity was so fragile people so proud and scared and society so aggressive that a boy smiling, appearing to be empathetic or in any way emoting was seen as a threat. How dare they laugh and feel comfortable? They must be soft and weak and girly and gay!

Most children? Evil pieces of shit.

What epic cluster shit of failed parenting and general culture brought this tiny child to get angry and attack someone then call them gay for looking like they were having fun outside? Are you okay 1990s?

And so my relationship with sexuality began.

Boy, “gay” was a really popular word back then: urgh, homework is so gay; my mum is so gay; ew, you touched a girl - gay!

When I was ten? Just Winnie the Pooh. I didn’t do nothing to nobody ever. And yet this guy used my pacifism as a punching bag. 

But at this age, I understood one thing: Being “gay”, whatever that meant, was clearly the worst thing you could be. On a Darwinian level, I was being told: Okay, bitch, survival code - don’t be this apparently.

Wow, closeted child turns into homophobic bully. Thanks again, society.

[Talking about gay slurs] Shit, this is so long. People have a lot of words for something they don’t want to think about.

 I didn’t really feel like I’ve ever fancied anybody before. Then puberty happened. [Dramatic music with explosions]

Oh, fuck, I think I’m a bit gay. You’re telling me that this whole time I have actually been the bad thing people keep calling me? Shit.

Chapter 2 - Feelings

Oh, do you hear that faint hum? Something is coming from a deep dark place too powerful to control. It’s the self-hatred. She’s here and she’s only getting started.

Actually, it turns out he was gay the whole time. He just really specifically didn’t like me. (Double kill).

By this age, the Christianity thing didn’t really make sense to me.

But wait, all is not lost yet. Do you see that? A triumphant, rallying cry of guitars, stripy hoodies and black hair dye. Emo had arrived.

A new word hit the theatre, nerd, goth, band kid corner that would change my world forever: Bisexual. You can be normal and gay at the same time? And some people think it’s cool? Well, slap a long fingerless glove on my arm and sign me up to MySpace, because Mum, I’m bi. It was a good term because it was a catchall for anyone who felt sexually confused or curious that didn’t want to commit to something stronger, which is very me. Big commitment issues, thanks, fam. 

To be clear! Regardless of whatever the 2006 teenagers’ thoughts and feelings were, being bi is valued and should not be excused away or erased by anyone. Thank you.

From this moment, I was a loud and proud raving bi... to my close friends and strangers on the Internet who saw my clearly labeled sexual preference on my MySpace page.

What the fuck is a “bi vibe”? Great, yeah nothing to make a fifteen year old feel self-conscious about his behaviour like being told he emirates a “bisexual aura”. What am I supposed to do with that? Sorry I give off mixed signals. I’m versatile. [Eyebrow lift]

“Bisexual” was a new word that only referred to sexuality so people actually had to decide how they felt about the fact that I was attracted to boys as opposed to “gay”, which we all understand is synonymous with bad and also implies a general threat, plague, curse, evil force that simply must be destroyed.

Well, we don’t all have backup friend groups, Lindsey! I went all-in on the emos! You’re telling me I have to go back to sitting in my kitchen playing Runescape now? Thanks a lot.

[Talking about being emotionally and physically bullied] But I never reacted. I never cried or got angry or fought back because then I’d be giving them what they wanted. I refused to play along

But this way of dealing with things definitely had an impact on my relationship with dealing with emotions going into life. I became a total outcast. No one wanted to come near me out of fear that they’d get targeted too so no one ever stood up for me. 

I didn’t think I could ask my family for help or share my feelings about this. Mainly due to my dad. Funny guy. Kind of a woke hippie who did say a lot of things I did respect but at the same time used to walk around the house saying he hoped someone he had a problem with at work would get “die of bum cancer”. Yeah, So picked the one area to be a bigot that would further traumatise your child. Nice.

This experience coming from childhood, hearing the word gay meaninglessly thrown around as an insult at home and school, in music, on TV, to then realising I’m actually kind of gay to then very specifically being attacked for it, was traumatic. The world was clearly telling me that if I ever wanted to be accepted by anyone, or in my particular environment to survive, I couldn’t be gay. I was afraid of it. Literally homophobic of myself. I’m talking Pavlov, Sunken Place, North Korea levels of mind alterations that made me terrified of and repulsed by this part of me. This is called internalised oppression. It’s a real thing and it’s some real shit.

Chapter 3 - Internalised Oppression

From this moment, I was no longer advertising myself as bi. No, brb, deleting that MySpace real quick XD

I come back to school quiet, serious and fully straight (*cough*, *cough*)

If I date a girl? Super not gay!

Just full time Runescape would have been better than this in hindsight.

I find myself going through the same shit at school but now voluntarily going through it from the people who are supposed to be my friends, thinking I’m doing the same thing while constantly telling myself I’m totally heterosexual.

I was so afraid of sexuality that I didn’t even want to do something straight in case I had some weird gay panic, that I was totally frigid.

Call someone gay today and we’ll throw in a free set of stake knives!

I just felt totally alone, confused and I deeply hated myself. I used to ask God in case he was there to please just make me straight and make everyone stop.

[About his attempted suicide] I pretended it never happened and I didn’t tell anyone. Until now. Literally. Hmm. I know. Pretty dark, right? But hey spoiler, things kind of worked out! I mean, still got a lot of issues but here I am. I’m so glad I failed. For so many reasons. For the people in my life, for the future I would have wasted, the most important being that I thought I was trapped in a situation forever when in reality the entire world I lived in and my life changed completely. I thought it was hopeless when in reality, there was so much to hope for and that’s it. Time changes everything. With the lives we have, we can try anything we’ve dreamed of. I want anyone that’s ever felt like this to realise that you are never trapped. There is always hope. You just need to believe in yourself and get to the other side.

I’ve always been a loudmouthed class closing annoying shit.

All I’m saying is that I wished people just hated me for being annoying and immature. Leave the gays alone!

Signed up for a Twitter account to run my mouth off and BAM! My YouTube story begins. A new chapter of my life to redefine. So you know what I did? Get a formspring. Because nothing gives you that attention feeling like one of those anonymous question-and-answer websites that are inherently toxic and no one should use.

Bisexual Dan returns! ‘Cause just like MySpace I’m only telling a few people on the Internet right now. It’s not like one day I’m going to get so many followers that random strangers and my family might see it. [Sarcastic chuckle and dead eyes]

Wow, I had a lot of fun with many different kinds of people in 2009. Let’s just say I got a lot out of my system. I got a couple of things into my system as well. [Ba dum tss]

And this is when, through the magic of the Internet, I met Phil. And obviously we were more than friends but it was more than just romantic. This is someone that genuinely liked me. I trusted them and for the first time since I was a tiny child, I actually felt safe and the relationship we formed at that point was something in my life. We are real best friends, companions through life, like actual soulmates.

One person accepting you can make all the difference.

Here’s the thing. I’m somebody that wants to keep the details of my personal life private. So is Phil. I know lots of people these days, thanks to social media, want to share and monetise every aspect of their life and then as soon as something changes suddenly it’s this huge drama because everybody got invested in the story of your life like it’s a soap opera. I don’t want that. I want to do certain things without an audience. I want to be spontaneous. I don’t want to feel afraid to take risks. I want to enjoy totally fucking something up and not have to post a public statement about it. And if anyone thinks people really have to share these things about their lives, you need to rethink your position.

So I don’t want to see any responses to me finally talking about this like: No one is surprised. Dan, we been knew. Wow, your huge galaxy brain genius. What’s it like walking around with all those brain cells in there working overtime? You’ve got like three in there? Don’t lose your balance mastermind.

I haven’t exactly been subtle, have I? [I’m a sexually ambitious nerd] [What even is your sexuality?] That’s not the point.

To me, if someone’s reaction to someone coming out is just: yeah, I knew. They’re showing no empathy towards the issue or that person. They’re just making it about themselves like it was a fun piece of gossip that they already knew. All we have to do is listen and be accepting.

We had the BBC knocking at our door, trying to offer Dan and Phil a radio show. From that, Dan and Phil became this entertainment duo that we could have a creative career with. And we love working together so when all these opportunities came for “Dan and Phil” we were really excited but I was also scared as people clearly knew I wasn’t straight and I hadn’t told my family that. None of my old friends knew about it and what Phil and I had was ours and personal and yet some people were trying to get access to it for their own satisfaction.

It was no longer a few people on the Internet, no big deal. So just shut down. [Windows shutdown noice]

All I really meant was please fuck off and don’t invade my privacy, you creepy stalkers. Thank you!

I didn’t want to just disappear from the Internet and throw away this creative hobby that actually started paying rent. Thanks.

Whilst we’re not exactly living in a utopia yet here on YouTube, the general Internet culture, only five or six years ago, was a much less wholesome progressive place as this little bubble is now.

I couldn’t handle that. Generally, I can handle a lot. I have big hands with a very wide reach... for playing piano, you fucking- get your mind out of the gutter!

We can’t ask people to put their lives on hold to address their sexuality first. 

Yes, it’s so important to be thoughtful about who you are and open and proud in front of the world but it’s our society’s fault that the people are scared to say who they are. So let’s all focus on making it a welcoming place and people will come out when they are ready.

Well, it’s always been on my mind that I need to talk about this at some point. I couldn’t just keep going forward in my life ignoring it. Not only so I can be authentic, which is very important for general existing, but also just letting people know what kind of sexual attention I want from the world. All of it. Everyone. God, I’m so thirsty!

And if anything motivated me, it’s the idea that I can help someone else. Because that’s basically my whole career isn’t it? Admitting to shit I’ve been through so you’ll feel better about yourselves. There we go, you’re welcome.

I have a platform and a following of millions of people. Many of whom I know have been through exactly what I have and if I tell my story, as painful and flip-floppy and flawed as it is, I know it will mean something to someone. As every time someone speaks openly about sexuality, it saves lives. 

I had never met a single out gay person until I was 18 and if I had, or even just seen better representation in the media, I wouldn’t have felt so totally alone. I wouldn’t even be saying this to you know if it wasn’t for TV shows, musicians and public figures in the last couple of years reinforcing this to me.

It’s not perfect but it feels safe enough right now for me to feel confident, so thank you sincerely to all the brave people who came before me and to you that made this world seem welcoming to me.

Instead of asserting my own needs, which my therapists keep telling me is one of my biggest problems.

It just so happened that the first 18 years of my life were horrendously shit. It failed me but we get dealt cards from the start too. If you look at my life, I was born into this world as an able-bodied, white, cis man in Britain, which immediately gives me so much privilege in this current world and I’m fully aware of how much harder making it today could have been for me.

Which is why we all need to stand up for equality and social justice, even when it doesn’t apply to us. No one stood up for me when it mattered the most and that almost cost me everything. So if you see a woman being harassed, a gay being threatened, someone muttering something racist, say something! Do something! Because if you’re still or silent, the victim will just think you’re against them too. We all have a responsibility. 

Chapter 4 - Labels

This is a mess, yet people want you to give them a word because that’s how humans communicate, with words that have meanings, which is why our disgusting species is impatient, stupid and obsessed with labels.

People just want a label that represents something they understand so they already know how to feel about you and they don’t have to bother thinking.

This issue is, especially when we start taking about the writhing mass of confusion and suffering that is sexual and gender identity, the limits of language and specific terminology become a problem.

It isn’t like humanity is all in agreement right now. I don’t like this stereotypes and drama that come with all this terminology so I’m just not going to use it.

Dan, a tol boi from England.

You might as well call me a formless blob. That sounds more relatable. Shout out to all my formless blobs out there! Rise up.

But everyone who has this “I don’t care” attitude about their genders are in a way privileged because some people, especially trans, care a lot about their gender identity and using the correct pronouns, which other people should respect.

Likewise with sexuality, whilst to me the endlessly increasing list of tribes and flags being flown is a bit daunting and confusing and personally stresses me out, because I almost find it constrictive, some people like it. Because if your feelings are confusing and then you look at a word that represents something and then go: wow, that me. It can help you realise that you’re valid and find a community and that’s great. 

If we all just calm down, respect each other’s experiences and try to just be nice reasonable people, which is a lot to ask - let’s be real. It’s quite simple. If you want to use language to express your honest feeling and identity that’s great and other people should respect what you say. Likewise if you hate labels and you just want to be a formless blob that’s fine too. No one should force you.

The only thing that isn’t cool is telling other people what they should or shouldn’t identify as because that ain’t your problem or your business!

I don’t know shit about shit and neither does anyone else!

One thing’s for sure. Whatever heterosexual is, I ain’t it. 

If you ask me, I don’t think anyone’s totally straight. I think there’s a to of social and emotional issues getting in the way of yet to be understood feelings of attraction that can be very flexible.

Am I totally gay? No. Am I slightly more gay or is it just easier for gays to hook up together because of societal norms?

I don’t care what flesh organ you have between your legs!

I’m not picky. I’m easy.

Now we’re just back in a clusterfuck of language and I’m confused and sad and horny.

This is why I personally love the word queer. I understand that some people don’t as it is slur but as someone that has been the target of it several times throughout my life I’m up for some reclamation. It’s like recycling. 

The definition makes sense because until society is equal with all sexual and gender identities is is literally “strange from a conventional viewpoint.”

A highly-strung, depressed queer.

I know that even today, deep in my heart, the word gay scares me because that’s how I’ve been conditioned my whole life. So you know what? Fuck the literal definition and the scientific definition and what everyone thinks. I finally have to just confront and accept this. I’m gay.

Oh, well, didn’t spontaneously combust

I’m here, I’m queer, and don’t worry I’m still filled with existential fear. 

Chapter 5 - Fear

I have problems connecting with them emotionally because reasons.

I only came out to them this month and if it didn’t go well, as I’m now the independent adult I fought so hard to be, I was ready to cut them off like the bottom of a sweater turning into a seasonal crop. But I didn’t have to! Love you.

So you know how I finally came out to my family? Email.

So I decided just to email you all instead which is really inappropriate and just weird, but that somehow seems appropriate for me and at lest I’ll just finally say it. Basically, I’m gay.

Obviously all the friends I have now are cool. If anyone in my life I’ve ever known isn’t cool with it then... I don’t care.

Or just some classic trolls who I think should get fucked. No, like, literally, I think you should try it. You’ll probably enjoy it and you might learn something about yourself.

I’ve come to terms with who I am and now you have to too. Ha!

Oddly enough, straight up homophobia is probably the one thing I’m not that afraid of because I just don’t agree so it doesn’t hold much emotional power over me. But you bet I’m opening myself up to all new kinds of in real life and international discrimination, which is fun.

Just seeing such a loud and proud and opinionated group of people celebrating something just intimidates a small introvert such as myself. And in my mind, if these people don’t accept me because I’m not being definitive enough or I took too long, then I almost feel like I’ll be alone all over again. And this is a fear that a lot of people have honestly. 

But I’m a nice guy and I’m trying my best, so you better be welcoming, you bunch of fucking queers.

This being posted on the Internet, my hopes are so incredibly low. Lower than my self-esteem. Wow, that’s unhealthy. I need to stop doing that.

I’m not here to pontificate on every topic tangentially related to the entire concept of gayness.

There’s other humans and all the time left in the world for that. The time in the world coincidentally being not that much longer. Climate change! lmao

Why coming out is still a big deal because queer people are often invisible and suffering until they have to do it. Some people grow up in supportive environments and it’s a positive experience but more likely especially around the world outside of the big cities, it isn’t. This is not a fight that’s anywhere near over. 

Queer people exist. Choosing not to accept them is not an option!

To anyone watching this that isn’t out, it’s okay. You’re okay. You were born this way. It’s right and anyone that has a problem with it is wrong. Based on your circumstance you might not feel ready to tell people yet or that it’s safe and that’s fine too. Just know that living your truth with pride is the way to be happy. You are valid. It gets so much better and the future is clear. It’s pretty queer. 

[shofie-ffxiv]

My anger is mine, I will feel it as deeply and expressly as violently as I please. 

I have struggled all my life with anger issues. While it’s gotten a little easier in later years, for a very long time, anger consumed me. I was very quick to anger, it was very easy for me to feel a lot of rage.

My anger is something I always feel burning in the back of my mind. It’s never really gone completely.  This stems from my childhood. My mother was a narcissist, and my father her enabler. I was always rigidly kept in line, tightly controlled at all times. I had no control over anything.  Not where I went, not what I wore, or how I cut my hair, what I ate, etc.  My mother was furious if I did anything without her consent. The way of a narcissistic parent, particularly a narcissistic mother, is that their children are, by extension, them. They are them. My mother did not view me as a person. She viewed me as a piece of her. 

So anything I did was a reflection of her. My straight A’s? “Ah yes, she’s so smart, I’m so proud!” It was just as if she had gotten the straight A’s. “Oh...she talked too much in class? I didn’t raise her to be that way.” I’d get punished. “Go pick a switch,” was an awfully common saying in our house until I was a teenager, at which point, it just became a belt instead. I was cowed, and terrified my entire childhood and a good portion of my young adult life like this. I am sadly, all too aware of what it’s like being under the thumb of a narcissist. I have spent my entire life trying to heal from the actions and abuse of one.

There are huge swaths of blackness where there should be happy childhood memories like playing with friends or swimming at the lake, or barbecues, but I have an empty void there. To this day, I have serious memory issues because of the shit I endured growing up. My mind just doesn’t function well in this area; and I constantly take notes and save things to remind myself of them. 

When I started taking up art, it became a shield that protected me. My mother wanted that talent to grow, because people liked it. Of course, it was hers. So proud.

I was angry. My anger burned at me constantly, about how unfair this was. For a very, very long time, my emotions waged a war between incredible fury, and some of the darkest fear I’ve ever known in my life. Anytime I felt angry, I immediately felt fear. These emotions were so intrinsically connected for me. Anger was bad, anger might get me thrown out. Might get me beaten. Maybe worse.

I couldn’t live without my parents, they’d made sure to teach me helplessness. They made it sound like I’d never survive without them. The world would eat me alive, because I was really quite stupid, and had nothing of value to offer anyone. My only purpose in life was that I could be my mother’s pride and joy, crafted just the way she liked. 

I rejected all her attempts at making me a girly girl, and my father was upset he never had a son, so I have some delightful gender identity issues to this day in large part because of all of that. My rejection of femininity is in large part because it was something my mother wanted. 

I always felt more comfortable being masculine, but that was never “right” either, and I was made to feel ashamed of that. I was “wrong”. Everything I did was always wrong, even simply existing was wrong.

This is why I prefer “they/them”, but also why other pronouns don’t really bother me either. Most people just use feminine ones, as I’m DFAB and I’m generally just non-binary. 

One day, when I was in my early 20′s, I left home. 

I “ran away”, according to them.

I was more afraid in my life than I had ever been, and that’s a huge oversimplification of it all. I had lived my entire life in fear. One wrong word, one wrong look, resulted in a beating, or hours and hours of lecturing about how worthless and useless and stupid I was. I had to repeat a litany back to them about how useless and stupid and worthless I was. I was made to tell them this every day of my life. Every day. Every single day.

My father confronted me angrily about how I ran away (which I think is impossible for a person in their 20′s to do, but I digress). I was afraid. Then something strange happened, and I got angry.

I got really angry.

And for the first time in my life, my father was afraid of me.

All I did was raise my voice, but he had never seen me so angry before. 

At that point, I realized anger was not always bad. You have to be careful not to let it consume you, but anger is not always bad. Anger is a feeling, like any other, and it can control you or consume you, or protect you. It’s all in how you use it. Feelings are feelings, it’s how you express them that matter. 

This whole thing lately...I have a lot of emotions I’m still trying to process. There are hints of the narcissism I dealt with from my mother, and my anger is back because I feel I was treated unfairly. My conflict is back, that my “training” taught me that anger is bad, but man, am I angry.

I was pushed to be made to feel afraid, had threats made against me (that my abuser is now denying they made, in spite of literal evidence of those threats). 

I thought maybe it would be appropriate for me to talk about myself a little bit here, to show why it hurt so much to have someone accuse me of being a transphobe, or why someone telling me that my fear of them got their dick hard was one of the worst things I’ve heard someone say lately. 

Why them calling me stupid, and all those other things was just a little too close to home. Oz didn’t know any of this about me. I don’t really tell it to a lot of people unless they’re close to me. I feel like it’s my burden, it’s my problem, and most people rightly don’t want to know this, or hear about it. But it was awful what was done to me, and Oz didn’t even know just how awful the things were they did to me. All I want, all I ever wanted, was to go my own way and leave them be. They were awful to me, they were awful to my friend, but all I wanted was to just not deal with them. I cautioned the people I considered my friends, but that was it. Instead they attacked me, harassed me, harassed my friend in the game, made some of the most vile threats toward me I’ve heard in awhile, and spread lies about us. A lot of them people blindly believed, because they felt that was the right thing to do.

Oz unwittingly acted so familiar to me, and seeing that pattern again from someone...Well, the problem is, when you try to make people afraid, eventually you can only push them so far before you stand up to them. I don’t fault the people who wanted to believe them. They framed themselves as a sort of community protector, a gatekeeper, self-styled as a “paladin”. They often referred to it as “my community”, but I don’t think they understand what sharing is. The problem is when that happens, and people give them power, it can be misused. When personal grudges got in the mix, they decided to use that status and power to their advantage. 

I am hurt. I am angry. It will take awhile to heal. My only advice to anyone who reads this is, if you hear some shit about people? Take it with a grain of salt. Do your own research. Don’t automatically assume the worst of people. Talk to people. Or don’t.  But don’t make up shit about them to hurt them. Just move on. 

[healthgnome]

Dear, Isaiah because it’s come to my attention.

It has come to my attention that the past back-and-forth of abuse accusations have been slowly resurrected and I see now that it is certainly within my time to once more explain my side. I truly wish not to be slandered and lied about on such a big platform and I wish the same for my friends, Ryan and Zayne. I genuinely try very much to be a decent, good, and helpful person. Sometimes I slip up as anyone would but I certainly know that I would never try and genuinely bully or hurt someone. For any time I might have joined in on some fun-making - trying not to go overboard and apologizing if I did end up actually hurting- I once again of course apologize for that. I go with the flow of how I think a dynamic is working and sometimes a dynamic does involve some making fun meant in no big harm. A prime example of such would be the friendships between Mark (Markiplier), Bob (Muyskerm), and Wade (LordMinion777). Where it is within understanding that they are all good friends but Wade gets the brunt of a lot of jokes. Any time there is sincere hurt, not that we have seen- but I guarantee there would be apology.

In Any Case, now that that introduction is out of the way I shall diffuse all that has been said in a post made by former friend Isaiah AKA (currently) @for-abused-kids about myself, Zayne (@thevvytchbytch) and Ryan (@literallyrealdeadstuff).

Not one of us have “stalked” your blog on a daily to find out if you have talked shit. If you mean during that whole giant commotion, sure there was a lot of digging in order to actually provide evidence for the claims we make. After that? Maybe checked out some posts to make sure there wasn’t still any sort of slander on any of our names, or we were informed of such a thing taking place. And yes, you have had their name(s) and mine on your blog in a “talking shit” kind of way.

We did not go to your house after dark, how would you know if you weren’t there. That is assumption. (and you know what they say lol) And a letter was written to your parents coming from a place of concern and explanation. I had not wished any abuse on you to happen.

As well, you are repeatedly saying that we lied to your mother telling her you ripped up the note. It was not meant to be a lie or anything of the sort, we simply had no contact and therefore wanted to make sure the note was actually read.

Hmm. I would really like to point out though that you claim that Zayne had the audacity to go to your home and deliver this note with someone who stole from your home while at the hospital. Do not act like you are not leaving out very important parts to this statement, and that the counterpart, leader, truest perpetrator, and manipulator to this was someone mentioned throughout this letter.

There was a lot of yelling between yourself and Zayne. A lot of it was not meant in harm, which was understood at least eventually; a lot of it was out of anger because something had happened, was done, or was said. And there was a lot of back and forth.

Allan was a friend of all of us for a while until he was slowly let go from all of us because he is a bad person. Personally, I stayed friends because my really fucked up brain could not handle being any more alone than I already was. You had liked him for a long time. Told us about it, or when certain things may have happened; sometimes these feelings went away (which is normal), and sometimes they were strong. I can provide proof for this too. Yes he was an awful person, and I was usually on your side when he did bully you. I did exclaim, and of course I understand how feelings work, that perhaps not being friends would be a good idea. I also told Allan this countless times but he enjoyed messing with you and I am not him nor could I control his actions.

The competition? There was a small friendly barely-a-competition thing going on in regards with Zayne. And it had barely lasted as well. At least from what I understood.

Ah yes the cum stains things. We used the word cum out of what we thought would be respect for your identifying away from femininity. Just as we would use the word “dick” or any variations thereof rather than vagina when referring to most of us and genitalia. Which sounds gross to say but we are teens, most of us horny, most everyone on T, genitals were a common point of discussion. And yes, you did leave vaginal discharge stains, or cum stains or whatever you feel most comfortable calling it, on the futon. And this is a pretty normal thing from what I know. People “get wet” and people have sexual liquids. It be like that.

From what I, and many others know, you do talk to a lot of people, including children, about your trauma.

I don’t remember you purposely triggering Zayne with Ed Sheehan, you did not have control anyway; Allan was the controller and was persistent on having that song on. However, you have attempted to physically hurt Zayne when you punched them. It did not actually hurt because it was frankly weak (not that I could do much better). What next you’re referring to after this is that Zayne was allowed by yourself to punch back; they simply know how to and are stronger than they appear.

Oh god. The Asian thing. That’s a huge bag on it’s own and has been talked about previously, you want more info on this or another post? Talk to me. Here is a link to a post with a bunch of evidence of this and other things & here is a link to a quick post by Ryan. There will also be a couple of photos at the end of this. But simply, Isaiah, your evidence was hardly; you have very white features, two very white parents, and have never presented otherwise, this coming from a very white person.

Congruently, have you seen Ryan or a picture of him recently? He has anything but thin lips. If you’d care for an example of thin, look at me. His hair is quite thick, has varying curls throughout as has been complained about and explained in the past. As well, it does deeply tangle itself if not taken care of daily. I, on the other hand never brush my hair- at the same length- and it barely gets more than a little disheveled. There is evidence of all of this. He does not at all have a small nose. Whilst not the darkest person, the summer provides a pretty good tan, more so in his youth. His father is actually not white- which is a known fact rather than a guess. If he is at least a quarter black, and has those features, I think it’s fair for him to claim that he is mixed on a hookup/dating app.

Oh, and I am quite aware of all of the arguments you’ve had about your father and his heritage. It’s what sparked that one post about the “Native American” 80’s/90s festival necklace. Which was a genuinely funny incident if you look back on it.

I have heard varying things to do with you imagining sex with anyone you are friends with. Just as I have heard varying statements about a lot of things that you exclaim to have or currently happen in your life.

We have called you straight as you have called yourself straight or straight-passing because of the fact that you were or are masc-aligned and would now prefer to date fem-aligned individuals due to trauma. But considering you are not mono-attracted to only men/masculine leaning individuals, you are not completely gay either. So if you can call yourself one you can essentially call yourself the other since you seem to be comfortable enough doing so. (I’ve recently seen a word to use for nonbinary-straight attraction! it’s “strayt”; similarly, there is “gai.” I bring these up not to make-fun or cause harm but they may be useful to you.)

In regards to Ingrid, as far as you have spoken to us and as we have seen, you have changed what you claim to have identified as whilst dating her. From secretly trans, to a cis girl, to questioning (not in this order, necessarily). Regardless, for many reasons it seems as though this was an unhealthy relationship.

You have taken stories right out of others lives and claimed them to be your own, these would be delusions, dear, not hallucinations. And it is at least a possibility that a lot of other things are delusions, too. This coming from someone who has had experiences with some sort of psychosis, delusions, hallucinations, gas lighting (from yourself, Isaiah. as well as from others.) and other such things that I can explain more if asked. And there is evidence of this all, as well.

I have never been abused by my parents. They are wonderful individuals who also try to be good, decent people. They have taken in my friends (including you, Isaiah) and done a lot to help them in times of abuse and need as well. That being said, there can be, from what I’ve seen, varying degrees and methodologies of abuse that different groups take part in. They are all horrific and I absolutely, full-heartedly, condemn all of it. But that is a fact given by apparent evidence. This being said, your parents have Not admitted to doing all of this, at least not to yourself, but to your sisters. I am genuinely curious as to why, if they’d admit doing harm to them both to you and in writing, why would they not come through with all of this to yourself?

On this topic, Stockholm syndrome, while something truly awful, is a kidnap-specific symptom. You can google how it affects others, but those websites are a lot less trust-worthy. We both went through the Hell of the junior research project and you are an academically intelligent person, you should be able to tell the difference between a trustworthy site and an untrustworthy one.

As far as your gender, speculations have been made based upon a lot of things you have said, and some seeming fetishization of nonbinary people. This is not said to invalidate your feelings or anyone else’s for that matter. It is simply that you are a rightfully suspicious individual. Again, this coming from trans people both binary and non- alike.

Regarding what I’m pretty sure is the video of you sitting on my legs, Isaiah, I don’t remember if there was an apology (whether or not in the video) but this wouldn’t be the first or last time something like this had occurred.

Finally, you have abused me. You have done me harm and I now understand that. I have tried to do a lot for you but you have done a lot to and taken advantage of me and my mental state. 

Once again here is a link to a post with A Lot of evidence. Want more? Contact me.

As always, best regards to your mental health,

former friend, Alana.

PS; Please, for the love of everything, do stop misgendering Zayne and use *their* correct pronouns ( they / them ) !

The photo below contains obviously curly hair, not-at-all thin lips, a not-at-all small nose, etc. You can see.

[lecherouswritings]

Earlier on this blog I did a large, basic outline of Rat’s plot with MANY details and interactions redacted for the sake of making something easy to read and not a blatant script. The structures of the writings I post here are more for my memory’s sake and not actual prose or even thought-provoking? It’s so I can keep track of where I was in the story comparing where I am now. The stories change up a lot, as do the characters, but some have been around for so long that the changes they make are minor. I thought it might be kind of fun to “go off” on some stuff I want to touch on in Rat’s plot. I get a lot of this stuff is masturbatory self-fulfiling stuff and I don’t expect anyone to give it a read so don’t feel any pressure haha. It’s always done for myself, but I appreciate anyone who takes the time regardless.

Rat goes through several personality changes. When I had originally wrote out this plot, before tumblr, Rat was kind of this idol that people took with them, and his presence where ever they took him was disruptive, like a bad omen. Almost like he’s hibernating the whole plot until one day he breaks free from his cocoon and is the Devil. I examined it and heard other people’s ideas and felt that wasn’t really good enough. I wanted Rat to be more involved. In fact, my characters are very interactive with me on a daily basis, and I want to be able to share the voices that interact with me. It has to go through me and I’m not the best converting tool, but I’m giving it my best shot so bear with me. I thought that maybe Rat would have severe abandonment issues what with not having parents and using his friends as a family, and I wanted to avoid the word family and use the word Pack, not just for the wolf reference, but to definitely not reference the Manson Family which is a very real thing that happened and don’t want to be disrespectful to victims and such. I did model a lot of what Rat and his pack do after The Manson Family movie that Jim Van Bebber did, that was a huge, huge inspiration for me, but again, didn’t want to completely take from a real event, even if the movie was amazingly executed. All that being said, I think Rat does fine on his own and doesn’t have any fear of abandonment. He alters how he behaves and talks around certain pack members, and has a general authoritative role when they’re all together. Mixing and matching his personality based on who he’s interacting with is an important thing to keep in mind whenever I get around to the comic. I’d say he’s most genuine around Peter because Peter doesn’t believe in most of the shit that’s happening, whereas most of the pack members are fooled ( they’re impressionable 20 somethings, basically kids. ) I think also, Rat, having been bullied by other kids and adults due to his differences ( He has wolf teeth, deformed arms and legs, socially repugnant ) found a sort of underdog hero in The Devil from when he would attend church. God, who was so loving and good, never stepped in whenever Rat needed Him, so this lead to a stream of thinking that maybe he was rooting for the wrong side. But then, Satan did nothing either. That left option 3: BECOME Satan! Why not? What’s stopping him? We’re taught to be whoever we want to, so why not that? Rat doesn’t have a good concept of ( or maybe he doesn’t care to ) what’s doable and what isn’t in the frame of reality. It should also be noted that since he didn’t have much of a childhood, it’s also a big big reason why he acts so childish and childishly cruel and silly. It’s his way of expressing a part of his life he didn’t get to have much of, aside from with Amy and Kyle. Rat also has a problem processing real empathy. He’s good with faking it, playing a role if it gets him what he wants, but actually feeling sorry for someone isn’t something he’s capable of feeling once he gets older. As a kid, sure, he’s still very tender and has some good intentions left in him, but toxic masculinity sets in the older he gets, the ego and all it’s clowny ridiculousness, and how everything imaginable is a plaything for him. Again, why not? Morals? He doesn’t really care. To quote his faceclaim, “I can’t believe in the things that don’t believe in me” which I attribute heavily to his character. There are certain principals he’ll abide by, but that doesn’t make him good by any respect. He may not abide by rape, but he’s certainly an advocate for murder. OH but, he does legitimately care for his select Pack members, but it diminishes over time and becomes fake, but the readers aren’t too sure when that is, when he’s faking it and when he’s being legitimate. Why does Rat advocate for murder? What makes someone think it’s alright to take the lives away from others? So one huge thing about my stories is they’re all linked to an Old God named Hito. The chain of command in this story goes Hito - Rat - The Pack. When they worship Rat, it translates to Hito, so they’re all participating in a limited faction of Hitoism, and they’re aware of Hito and what they’re doing and what for, just not the limited part. Hito does have smaller factions that branch off, like Acolyte’s Endaiyanism which is like a masculine version of Hito but still Hito, and the opposition is Larionism but I’m not going to get into what that’s all about. What’s important is Hito and her role in this. Also super important detail as to why I almost never touch on Hito in recent art and things: Hito is never to be seen by mortals. Only glimpses and verbally but never seeing her. You have to be in the correct dimension to see her and living or mortal beings are NOT ALLOWED THERE. There’s no oxygen there so there’s no way anyone could just walk through a portal and be OK there. You can go there in dreams but Hito will not be in a visible form, you can feel it but not see her. You could’ve seen her when she was alive on Earth but she’s also not human ( her pronouns are preferred since she appears female and her cult is very female orientated but technically I don’t think Hito has a gender. ) Hito has a sort of wishmaster role in the comic where she can make people’s desires and wants become reality, so long as they’re willing to pay a life-long loan for it -- the loan being murdering people in Hitotian ritual. Rat, at a young age, wanted to encompass the concept of the Devil as he viewed him, and Hito would make that happen, so long as he killed so many people in a quota per night. The pack idea worked out because he’s able to meet that quota through his followers, so it keeps Hito satisfied and Rat on the path to physical and spiritual transformation. People never did Rat any favors, so why be peaceful when he can get what he wants by killing them? They don’t mean anything to him, He can’t relate to them, or be bothered to. He’s also a very keyed-in person, despite his lack of empathy. Rat’s the kind of person you can really get along with. He’ll know what to say to make you laugh or delight you, but he can also pull at your strings, find what makes you tick, and rile you up if he wants to. With Hito in his corner, it diminishes his fear, so Rat is very bold, in your face, and often times throwing himself and others into reckless danger for an idea he has. Or because he just wants to. Again, he tailors his personality based on his current company. He’s like a parasite who loves to worm into people for the sole purpose of his gain and nothing else. All charitable things he does for his pack members is to earn their trust. Ryan doesn’t trust Rat from the start, but is blindly following for his own gain. Rat’s aware of the mistrust and the disbelief, the Judas of the group, and knows that changing Ryan’s mind is out of the question. Ryan’s flawed by his own humanness, so Rat knows that he’ll get what’s coming to him. Based on the way Ryan and Amy interact, and knowing their history, it doesn’t take Rat a long time to deduce that Ryan took advantage of Amy as a minor when she was in a desperate phase in her life, and Ryan being older and knowing better, he’s earned Rat’s complete ire, but he keeps Ryan around because he’s a good tool; good at killing, huge and bulky, intimidating, bold and out there. Personally, however, he can’t stand the guy. He’s got a lot of normie qualities about him that Rat finds deplorable and unnecessary, but his feelings are slightly hypocritical as Rat indulges in the same behaviors as Ryan sometimes, but mostly as an act. Whoever needs to see it. I also realize, personally, that Rat and I talk about his views and reasons on things and I get 100% honesty in his responses, but the problem is that I feel it translates easier through verbal communication than written. Writing down facts and feelings on Rat are really difficult. It’s as if it doesn’t translate well, and since I don’t have any immediate questions I’m not sure what to really start or end with with Rat. Not to mention, Rat isn’t a singular age throughout the comic; he ages from 7 years old to 60s/70 years old so depending on what age the question’s aimed at will the answer vary, just like an actual person, so I try and make up general things to talk about that don’t change that much, like his stance on rapists and murdering. How about I do bullet point type of things, maybe that’ll help. Children: Hates them! Rat adopts a pecking-order mentality with children being the lowest, adults being slightly higher, and the elderly taking a backpedal back to one, but he feels more justified in messing with an old person than a child. Sometimes he’ll antagonize or enlist a child, like to help him steal something, or to incite a ruckus, but Rat hates children to the point of not wanting to kill them. He’ll usually send Ryan or Peter to kill them since they don’t have a problem with it. Amy doesn’t mind either but her, Jessica, and Kyle prefer not to. Food: Rat’s favorite foods are: Fruit gushers, milk chocolate, Baby Ruths, crunchy candy cigarettes, caramel apples, big giant lollipops, novelty candy like ringpops or baby bottles, anything with chewy caramel or rainbow designs on it. Actual food he’ll eat except he hates vegetables. Meat, cheese, but toss him an onion or asparagus and he’ll hit you. Rat’s spent most of his life living out of dumpsters and eating people’s throwaways, which is why he’s usually emaciated. He’ll sooner offer his Pack food than himself. ( Favorite drinks are chocolate and strawberry milk. ) Drugs: He’ll do it all but his favorite is acid and tequila. He’s dabbled with heroin and enjoyed that feeling, cocaine, but nothing beats the trip he gets on acid, or the punch of gold tequila. TV: His favorite shows are Care Bears, Wacky Races, anything Hanna Barbera or Looney Tunes related. Scooby Doo he loves, as well as stuff like Hair Bear Bunch and shows that were popular in his time, but mostly the children shows. Intelligence: Rat’s actually very well-read and street-smart! He’s book smart in various areas because he spent a lot of time in the library growing up since it was Not in his horrible home or on the streets, which is where his extensive reading of Satan happened. Rat loves to play dumb, a quality him and Jessica ( and occasionally Peter ) share. Maths not so much. Rat interpreted the bible’s Genesis story as a cautionary tale against learning so he made it a personal goal to learn as much as he could about everything around him. Rat’s mostly well-read on events concerning America, only after his arc does he make himself internationally known and learn about them, but Rat is um. He’s a very proud Florida-native American. Actually, in talking with him, I think he likes the image of something huge and powerful and stupid being in control, so he loves playing up dumb and insensitive when he’s a big scary monster post-arc ( He appears in other character’s stories as a monster that must be stopped!!! outta control!!! ) Attention: Loves it. Can’t get enough of it. He’ll be an absolute clown or a total showman, whatever the situation calls for. Maybe give someone else a spotlight while he waits for his moment to spring to life and steal it away. Rat is the ringleader of his merry bunch and will make sure everyone knows he’s A REAL ( MORNING ) STAR!!! Abilities: Rat has a Madness-By-Proxy ability where if he lingers in a place long enough, the people inhabiting the area will go insane and hallucinate. It’s a mind-control power that he has to flex and strengthen to get better at controlling it. The older and more experienced he gets with Hitotian ritual and murders, the larger the madness waves reach. People will wake up and murder their families and then not know why they did it, or whatever horrible deed -- in a way, this is almost a “devil made me do it” excuse if you think about it. As Rat metamorphoses, his power becomes stronger, then weaker, then the strongest. His metamorphosis is over time, deforming his body and changing his genetic structure so that he can safely pass into another dimension of familiars who’ll christen him The Devil, but first he must suffer, as suffering creates a residual energy that influences Hito and other entities to pass into our realm and alter us. I’d say almost every story I write has that element in it or similar. It’s hard to get at Rat because of his lack of empathy and warm blooded attitude, so his body and mind are targeted, his two treasured things as he’s a huge egomaniac. That being said, his body becoming deformed is both a blow to his ego and a huge ( somewhat erotic ) fascination he has. His pack are more upset by it than he is most of the time. Think of Rat as an insect going through the motions, like a caterpillar. I’d say Rat’s more adjacent to an insect than a wolf, but he loves the wolf symbolism so, so much. ( He’s a furry, give him a break, and also Peter had him manifest as a wolf in his fears so Rat loved that. ) Death: Extremely fascinated with it. All of his fantasies are centered around death, be it his own death or others. Him and Amy used to play a game when they were kids called ‘wahwad’ which is a way of pronouncing Who And How Will ( they ) Die? where they’d sit and people watch and try and guess how they’ll die or how they would kill them if they could. Rat would try and see how many drugs ___ he could do before he would feel himself slipping off, and Amy would watch him and he’d do the same for her. Kind of a trust exercise. All that being said, Rat doesn’t take other’s death seriously. He thinks people’s lives are a joke, that people are just there for him to mess with and pick apart. There’s no value to other’s life in Rat’s mind, they forfeited that when he saw how nasty they can be at any given moment. Other people’s deaths aren’t on his mind. He’ll keep people around as long as is convenient for him. I wanted a scene or two of a few victims Rat doesn’t kill right away who challenge his views, but I hate that it ends disappointingly with their logic not sinking in. I also wanted an extra pack member to be witness who WAS affected by the victim’s logic and Rat realizing their change of heart and cornering them with the rest of the pack and tearing them apart, mocking their empathy. Which leads me to... Empathy: Rat had heavy empathic feelings as a young pup, but it disintegrated as he became a teenager. Seeing the world for all it’s ugliness and until a certain age, he saw people as literal pigs ( he’s aware people don’t normally look like that because of TV and magazines ) but after they start looking like people, he secretly wonders if they really do look like pigs and which one is the facade and which is really how they look. That aside, he thinks compassion and empathy are weaknesses, which is why he loves insects, because he perceives them as living organisms with no empathy, same with reptiles. He thinks it perverts people’s abilities to make decisions and hinders them, as does morality. I wonder if even the reason he has hard anti-rape sentiments is because he’s a survivor, and it pains me to think he would have a different view if he wasn’t. All in all, Rat’s supposed to be an example of how someone can turn rotten over time. Rat’s definitely not someone to look up to, but he has good qualities if that makes sense. Rat’s story is supposed to be about a person who caves under the bad shit and turns it around and makes it power, but he does it in the worst way, hurting thousands along the way. He doesn’t care about anyone, but he’ll make you think he does so you can trust him. I wanted him to be a villain you love to hate and hate to love. I want him to make sense sometimes and nonsensical the next, that maybe your views align with his from time to time. As with all my OCs, making them as human as possible, even the monstrous ones, is very important to me, and given how vocal they are in my head, I consider them like room mates so it’s hard to translate that for people who don’t have them around. So if anyone has any questions about Rat or anyone else, feel free to ask them because I’d love to try and tackle it!

[tianamulan]

hey so it’s pride month and idk i’m in a pretty inbetweeny place rn in regards to my identity and idk i want to write about it to process it a little for myself also celebrate cuz it’s pride!! and i’ve made a lot of personal progress in regards to my pride in my sexuality. i’ve been “coming out” to a lot of people and that does genuinely make me happy!!! and so i’m sharing this both as a kind of act of pride in my somewhat blurry (but beautiful!!) identity; and in the hopes that maybe someone will see this and resonate, or just for someone to learn about one of many ways unique ways that people can experience love in its many forms! i’m just sharing about how and who i love, which i can say i am proud of. happy pride everyone 🌈

so i mostly identify as bi and ace! 

i’ve known i was ace since i was 16, and it was rocky at first because, hey, i was still a dumb teen and maybe i was a late bloomer or i had a libido problem or whatever! but yh, no, it’s been 5 years (which is wild to me). i’m pretty solid and confident in that description of my current experience of sexual attraction (or lack there of). but also, i’m very very much closeted for that descriptor in my day to day life. i think i’ve come out as asexual to maybe 6 current friends. (technically there were also high school friends who followed my tumblr who read my posts about being ace and ummmmm did not go well and i’m no longer friends with them so!! doesn’t count!!). and all of these were more “formal” coming outs. not in terms of like, i sat them down and wanted specifically to come out to them, but i would be having a conversation leading in a direction where i would have to do a lot of manoeuvring if i didn’t want to come out, and i like these friends and felt like they wouldn’t judge me for it; so i would then explicitly say i was asexual and explain if needed. and even once it was a friend coming out to me as recently thinking she was ace and i was very happy to share that i was ace and share my experience with it. 

but yh! idk, i’ll be real and say that yh, i do experience some shame and some apprehension of reactions from others about my asexuality, so those are factors in me being “closeted”; but also i very much feel like it’s not.... a lot of people’s business?? like, it IS a pretty sizeable part of who i feel i am, it does describe how i experience my day-to-day life, and i enjoy having occasional conversation about it! so some people need to know but like... casual acquaintances? coworkers? family? it’s not important to our relationship if they know whether or not i experience sexual attraction or my sexual activities. so i don’t need or want to come out to them and rarely feel like i’m hiding anything. 

//

and then in terms of being bi.. it’s kind of a recent thing, like 2ish years since i’ve really used that word to describe myself... but also in hindsight i knew that i was attracted to people other than men since around 15.... and in even bigger hindsight i can recognise that i DEFO had crushes on women since like age 11, including multiple young brunette teachers. no baby zoé, you don’t just think they’re really neat..... u have crushes on them. but yh it’s kinda hard when you are raised with compulsory heterosexuality AND you don’t have sexual attraction/interest/fantasies or whatever to give you a clue...... 

but also...... idk i feel like i was very very much in a lot of denial. like, i only drew and liked art of women..... and yh lets be real i also stared a lot at my girl crushes that i thought was just admiration. 

also between the ages of 16 and 19 when i knew that i was ace but still thought i was het... i still acknowledged to myself that i had mini-crushes on quite a lot of women?? like i would be convinced i was still just romantically attracted to men, though somewhat open; but simultaneously i would look at some women in my classes or at work and in my head think “oh, that’s the girl i have a crush on; oh she’s so pretty i would love to hang out with her and maybe kiss her” and like.......???? i still thought that was straight??? idk man that’s quite a few layers of denial there. or just being super fucking dumb lmao.

anyways i really love women; and this past like.... 4-5 months..... i’m starting to think..... maybe i’m exclusively attracted to women and nb’s?? maybe it’s just that there are so few men in my life in general, and like.... zero that i would want to date..... but also..... idk men are really beautiful sometimes and masculinity can be very very attractive... like i feel physical attraction to men.... but i have so few plantonic relationships to men that it’s hard right now for me to imagine actual romantic relationships with a man. 

in the 2 years that i have described myself as bi i am picturing myself much more in romantic relationships with women... and recently almost exclusively women. and idk... i feel like this is a semi-common thing from wlw where you can’t tell whether you’re experiencing internal biphobia or experiencing too much compulsive heterosexuality that you’re only performing feeling attracted to men. and i genuinely don’t know. and i feel like my general lack of sexual attraction/interest makes it more difficult lmao. 

but at this moment in my life, i describe myself are bi with a preference for women, and i picture my future romantic relationships to be mostly with women and other genders that aren’t like.... just man.... idk.. i’m very open to being wrong but right now it’s what feels comfortable. maybe in a few years i’ll identify as a lesbian, or i would be more certain of my romantic interest in men. who knows? my wlw ass certainly don’t know.

//

also!!! new revelation this year but i’m pretty comfortable in describing myself as non-monogamous. and idk i’m starting to feel a bit silly at this point cuz like....... i’m talking about all of this but i also have never been in a proper romantic relationship past the 3rd/4th date, so it’s all a bit theoretical; but idk, i accept that it’s all rn just conceptual, i could be wrong! but i feel comfort in describing myself and what i want from future theoretical romantic relationships! and at this point in my life, i don’t necessarily picture myself being in long term monogamous and exclusive relationships. i completely see myself in shorter-term relationships with just one person at a time; but i can’t really imagine myself living my life with just one long term romantic relationship. 

maybe i will meet “the right person”; maybe i’d be too jealous and insecure to “share” someone i’m in a relationship; i genuinely don’t know. i admit that. but i also genuinely don’t know if i could be happy and fulfilled and comfortable in a long term monogamous relationship. even from the point of view of being in a romantic relationship with someone who was not ace - i can see myself being happy with them having sexual partners outside of our relationship. but again!! who knows!! but yh, i’ll say that i am theoretically polyamorous. 

//

and yh just in term of gender, i don’t have too much to say, i’m happy with just being a woman. i am afab, i’m fine with people using the word cis to describe me, i definitely don’t consider myself to be trans at all, but also like.... idk gender kinda weird like it’s both important but it’s also made up and somewhat arbitrary and i dunno. i’d say i’m equally comfortable with the pronouns she/her and they/them; but obviously with the world we live in i am almost exclusively referred to as a woman. but idk, i do feel some kinship to non-binary identities and gender non-conformity. i feel a kinship to women, i am seen as a woman, i experience the world as a woman; but i don’t know if i feel like i need to describe or identify myself as inherently a woman. like one example is my clothes are generally seen as women’s clothes, but to me their just clothes i like. i occasionally wear “men’s clothes” but like.... their my clothes..... and i feel good in them.... idk. tbh it really doesn’t matter to me too much at this point in my life.

also there’s a whole other can of worms in that i very much do not have a good personal relationship with having a vagina/uterus (and mixed feelings about my boobs).... but i don’t really want to get too much into that and also i feel like it is equally about my mental health and my asexuality, and not just about my gender. but lets just say that if it was possible without any problem to just... have a hole there to pee... and nothing else.... i would be 100% fine with that... i really don’t need anything else and i don’t like that there are other things and functions there. but yh. can of worms there.

//

ANYWAYS i am defo over sharing and i don’t even know if anyone is reading beyond this point BUT IF YOU ARE.... i hope that maybe this helped you in any way, either to understand stuff about yourself or just to celebrate how many different ways people experience their lives and how many different ways there are to love people!!! 

i am spending pride (and hopefully just my day to day life) being happy in who i am, who i love, being open to future love, and sharing the love with others - romantic or otherwise. and i hope you are too. happy pride 🌈

[thebeauregardbros]

character development meme???

we can call it that i guess alus~

[blank template here]

- Basic Information -

-How old are they? Do they look their age?

Since he is an orphan, it is unknown. By estimate by both his appearance and how small he was when he was adopted, he is thought to around 22~24 years old.

-What is their gender identity? (optional: what is their physical sex?)

Male for both. He’s confident enough in his identity that he’ll happily wear dresses and high heels and flaunt his feminine interests openly, but feels uncomfortable if people actually believe him to be female, or try to project an image onto him as being frail or fragile - mostly because it’s just not true.

-What is their race? Do they follow in the footsteps of their ancestry with respect? Do they even care about it at all?

Alus is a Miqo’te of what appears to be sunseeker descent, but he really could care less about his blood lineage. He respectfully thinks of himself as an Elezen because that’s who raised him. He doesn’t know much about his real lineage at all and he’s pretty at peace with that.

-How do they make money? (What’s their occupation?)

Two thirds military duty, one third cafe ownership. He also gambles a bit on the side (generally successfully) to the point that he has regularly owns a bit of an excess of coin. He tends to spend that excess rather quickly though as he has a tendency to be rather generous with tipping and giving beggars charity... and well, really loves clothes and stuff to spruce up his cafe with.

- Speech Patterns -

-How do they generally speak about themselves or refer to themselves in conversation?

Alus surprisingly actually doesn’t talk about himself often despite acting rather narcissistic, albeit in an exaggerated and goofy way that others could perceive as self-aware. If he does gives information about himself it tends to be rather surface area information about his cafe or fashion tastes. You may actually find him talking about his brother more than himself! To people he’s comfortable with, he might allow them to explore philosophical questions with him that trouble him, exposing a more serious side of his that may seem uncharacteristic to others.

-How do they tend to address others? Family, friends, coworkers, strangers, enemies, etc.

To those he admires (usually fancy ladies and elegant male elezen), he is a complete mess of stammering and gibberish. If he somehow manages to speak clearly, he compliments; and oft times those may be perceived as a bit ‘too much’; confessing his love for others he’s only just met (though he usually means it platonically), praising the little he knows about them endlessly and inadvertently derailing any preexisting situation/conversation. 

To those he feels more lukewarm towards, he just tends to be very polite and open minded even at the most outrageous and criminal things he hears, and willing to repay their words with deep personal thoughts of his own - always overall positive. 

To those he considers enemies, (or more specifically those who he considers an immediate threat to the safety of others,) he’ll become self-righteous and very quickly impatient towards them. He’ll start off questioning your uncouth behaviour, wondering if it’s possible he’s just misinterpreting it - then he will patiently remind you that that is not gentlemanly/lady-like behaviour. Then he’ll start becoming passive-aggressive as all hell - still with a polite smile on his face, but eyebrows furrowing more and more. The second you hear him audibly say an actual swear word at a normal speaking volume is when you should be terrified. Shortly after his formal speech and eerie smile may actually continue, but he will speak bluntly of his feelings. Something along the line of “If it were not for my worth as a gentleman, I would have happily smashed your face in by this time.” If someone isn’t literally holding him back by shortly after then, he will act out in violence to forcefully stop your behaviour. Don’t worry though, he won’t kill you or otherwise permanently injure you if he can help it, and afterwords he will actually willfully forgive you -- that is, only if you act like a proper gentleman/lady like he’s been imploring you to be this entire godsdamned time. 

To his brother, it’s a combo of the latter two; He is very openly critical of his bad behaviors, but also very supportive and admiring of him. If Alus hears of anyone badmouthing his brother, he will be there in full fledged defense and won’t back down until he implores them to either change their mind or generally stop being so negative. Because they are brothers, however, Alus may not talk about his personal feelings much with him much (he feels a bit awkward being mushy with him), but he still trusts him more than anyone.

-Do they have any strong opinions about certain groups? Political, religious, independent or otherwise, even very small.

Alus tends to dislike all politics. Even politics that seem to have wholly good intentions, he is extremely wary of them turning out wrong in the end - he’s seen betrayal and deceit happen far too many times to still be optimistic in such matters. He views more organized religions to be not too different than politics, particularly the church that worships Halone - a deity he finds no comfort in her representation of War. He finds himself picking and choosing what he believes in now more than he used to - he thinks of religion as a very personal thing and doesn’t care much for hearing others’ opinions on his favorite deities beyond those he can trust in his view to be good people.

- Personal History -

-How skilled are they in combat?

Alus’ greatest weaponized combat skill is in using a large shield to bash, overwhelm, and pacify. Though he has learned some basic one-handed sword skills for his qualification as a Free Paladin, if he had to choose to fight, his preferred offensive style it would be that of the fists. He believes that it is the most honorable way to fight somebody if at all - oftentimes risking his own hands in doing so. As of this time he knows a lot of mixed martial arts but hasn’t landed on one certain style of fighting to dedicate himself to. (At some point I’m gonna IC try to find someone who’ll teach him Brazilian capoeira. not even sure how the heck that’d fit into Hydaelyn lore??? help) Alus is also grand at the swift skills of dancing - he is surprisingly light on his feet and very deft, making dodging and fancy footwork in battle a piece of cake for him.

For non-physical skills, Alus is a skilled field medic above all else. He is knowledgeable of a wide variety of herbs and potions, well experienced in conjury and even versed in some obscure Sharlayan astrology that heals - he’s tried his best to become attuned with anything that has to do with healing he can find. He wants to save everybody. He does not believe in fighting at all, despite it being a job he begrudgingly takes.

-Any non-combative skills?

Having grown up on the street & the road, Alus became a skilled street dancer with his brother when they were young for the purpose for some extra pocket money. As they grew older, Alus’ passion for dancing never really wavered. His favorite type of dancing is ballroom dancing, but he hardly ever has the chance to dance with a partner.

Alus knows how to brew tea pretty well. Not an expert, but knows more than most people. He can cook a little too! .. mostly just pastries and stovetop breakfasts, though.

He knows when to stop when it comes to gambling.

Can play the piano! Nothing expert or incredible, but good enough for the simple soft songs he adores.

-Anything they’re really bad at?

He can’t sing, good lord, he cannot sing. He’s absolutely tone deaf, and he screeches at random?? it’s so bad. (secretly he’s amazing at screamo, and he’ll probably never discover this)

Sex jokes go MILES over his head. Actually, a lot of common informal speech stuff goes over his head. He’s absolutely the type of guy to answer without hesitation “What is updog?”

Oh yeah, he’s also really bad at solving even simple mysteries. His imagination tends to be too overblown and romantic that he keeps thinking ‘It can’t be that simple or mundane!’

spEAKING TO PRETTY PEOPL E

-What would you call their personal aesthetic to be like?

Fashion wise I’d call it ‘shiro aristocrat’. White clothes with a very classy and royal, princely feeling, but more mature than ‘ouji’ Japanese fashions (pressed long slacks instead of poofy shorts). He adores flower motifs, and wears as many live and fake flowers at all times as he can manage (especially gardenia and white lilies). He adores suits, the ‘gentlemanly’ aesthetic, and .. Well, hell, he’s basically a shoujo prince. He’s got a white horse and long blonde hair and everything. He knows this and adores it. His style is overall masculine and suave but also soft and feminine. He loves bright happy colors and white, he feels they bring good feelings into the hearts of people who see them.

-What kinds of cuisine do they like and dislike?

His favorite food is La Noscean Toast, his favorite morning drink is Triple Cream Coffee, and his favorite dessert is... constantly changing! (his ‘dessert snack’ choice is an orange lmao)

He’s got a raging sweet tooth he has to keep under lock and bar - a huge passion for fluffy pastries and citrus-y candy. (Not so much for dark, heavy, bitter chocolate!)

Alus is a bit of a picky eater on his own! He tends to generally dislike any heavy meals (for example; deep-fried and/or heavily cheesy stuff OH THE HUMANITY). He’s slow to try foreign foods or new food in general (tho he does love rice) - I feel like he’s the type of guy who organizes a menu that’s well balanced for health and sticks to it his whole life whether he particularly liked how bland it tasted at first or not. He doesn’t eat meat so he balances his protein intake with tons vegetarian alternatives of of nuts, yogurt, eggs, tofu, seeds, etc.

If you cook him a meat dish, he’ll go to insane lengths to make sure it’s not wasted - looking for the nearest homeless person, anyone, to enjoy the meal. Besides meat dishes, he’ll absolutely eat anything you prepare for him though because he’s far too polite to tell you you wasted all that energy for such a nice gift for him! Always the optimist, he’ll probably try to convince himself by muttering “this is probably good for me in... some way..” lmao

-What about alcohol?

He’s fiercely against alcohol - really wants nothing to do with it, thinks it’s the poisoning of the body and super unclassy for your image and harmful to your spiritual growth and blah blah blah .. But he has absolutely drank a spiked punch on accident on more than a few times. The only way to make Alus consume alcohol is if it’s sweet enough that he can’t tell it’s alcohol. While intoxicated, Alus becomes much more like his brother - blunt, straightforward with his feelings, using informal speech, even saying some straight-up swear words without hesitation - but he’s also very confident and happy in the sort of ‘playful-fighting frat bro that loves you’ sort of way. During and after intoxication, he refuses to vocally admit he was/is under the influence of alcohol. It seems like he genuinely doesn’t know/remember it, but it could be that he was/is just embarrassed.

-When it comes to love and romance…

Alus is wholly inexperienced, doesn’t really understand the difference between platonic and romantic love. He believes in his heart that everyone is a good person, and in that, he universally loves and appreciates everyone in their own way and will say this out loud bluntly & relentlessly. He’s very ‘innocent & pure’ in the sense that he doesn’t even really think about kissing someone’s lips until he’s made the decision to someday marry them (which he would most likely do without knowing them too well!). When it comes to physical flirting, Alus’ brain just kinda breaks. He’s totally confused and shocked at himself for thinking of such sinful thoughts!.. when all he’s really thinking about his touching their hand or something LMAO. Overall, he really just over-romanticizes close relationships in a manner of good old fashioned lovely gentleman & lady courting, and doesn’t dare think of anything further without a straightforward consent from his partner.

-How do they feel about sex?

I should disclaim that despite Alus’ views on romantic relationships, he’s is definitely not too innocent to know how people do it, and it’s not like he’s thought about doing it himself, but his general feelings towards the subject is “don’t ask, don’t tell” and “it’s none of my business or concern!” For other parties’ sexuality, he doesn’t really approve of revealing clothing or outwardly sexual behaviour in public, but as long as it’s in the name of love and respect (whether for yourself or with someone you care for) he still supports it wholeheartedly - but will probably just try change the subject anyway. For himself, he feels really uncomfortable with anyone making physical contact with him or seeing him underneath his clothes, whether the context is casual or flirtatious. When dealing with someone he likes but whom he isn’t in an official relationship with, his brain just 404s in embarrassment when it comes to sexual stuff and he doesn’t really know what to do. Giving straightforward consent to him, however, and I feel like he’ll be a lot more forward in touching you than you’d expect. He’ll always be respectful though and stop when you tell him to.

THAT BEING SAID as a writer I actually regard Alus as asexual. I think he regards sex as an act of the symbolism of love more than an act of pleasure. He’s never really been told about asexuality before and even if he was it’d probably take him more experience to fully realize for certain he’s ace.

- Personality -

-Come up with three key words to describe this character.

Gentleman, goofy, heartache.

[imagine-that-one-thing]

Dripping in Diamonds.

Authors Note: Hello, I am not sure what this or where it is leading but here is an AU as you will be able to pick up on if you wish to read. Enjoy! :) xx Harry Masterlist found HERE

Most people, looking from the outside in, would say I have it all, and to a certain extent on some days they are accurate, but on others, they are far from right.

Most would suppose I have it all because of the array of cars that grace the driveway of a mansion that has more square feet than I could have ever envisioned, an estate that accommodates more silently, shivering walls of secrets and disgrace than anyone could ever apprehend. Let’s not neglect the diamonds— oh the gorgeous Diamonds— Diamonds that grace my neck and drip with cold stone tears. Others observe the magnificent terrace of roses but they overlook the thorns that caress the stem that draws blood. But yes, I have it all. The luxury vehicles, outfits, brilliant diamonds, a chauffeur and superficial love.

As I make my way to descending the white Italian marble staircase, the exclusive element that echoes is the character of my heels catching each stair as I delicately make my way down steps. The manor is tranquil and doesn’t have the slightest flicker of a homespun, warmhearted quality. It’s bland, bitter, and motionless, but wealth is scattered everywhere, from across veneers to the contemporary interior. In the corner of my eyes, I notice our majordomo watching me. He is someone who oversees the day-to-day responsibilities of the business enterprise, he speaks, makes arrangements, and takes charge when my husband is unable to or is simply too lazy to do so himself. I halt in my tracks and turn to face him. He adjusts his posture before beginning to speak, “lovely day for a drive,” I inform him and he instantly nods. He knows better than to ask where I am going, he understands I will not say, he knows my desires to escape, after all, his eyes are everywhere, he witnesses everything, he identifies everything.

“Off the grid?” He queries and I nod, “very well, as it stands at eight-fifteen A.M, I have yet to see you and do not know your whereabouts if Mr Archibold questions. Be safe.” He delivers me his typically feigned smile just as the second head in charge enters. I like to refer to her as the majordomos sidekick. As demeaning as this may appear, I sometimes refer to them as Cogsworth and Lumiere. Cogsworth has the position of majordomo in the castle, alongside Lumiere who is the castle’s Maître d'hôtel. To me, it makes perfect sense to reference them as the two characters, but since everyone else in this gosh- damned manor have sticks up their asses, I refrain from exercising the terms unless we are alone, purely because half the crew has no sense of humour. Not to mention, they bow down at my husbands every movement and worship the soil he marches on.

I dismiss the two and I saunter out the front entrance. The warm summer breeze kisses my body incredibly, nearly emitting a sense of developing clarity over me. I felicitously sweep down the stone steps to approach the walkway where my car and chauffeur await me.

“Mrs. Archibald, you seem content this morning,” my body shivers at being called Mrs. Archibald, I resent the name. I eschew it the best I can. But, I dismiss the contempt when my chauffeur produces me his contagious smile and luminous eyes that could melt my heart if I had one.

I lost that thing years ago. I’m surprised I even have a heartbeat.

“I could say the same about you, Mr. Styles,” I curl my lips up into a smile as he reaches for my door and opens it for me, instead of sliding in, I take in his features in this impeccable sunlight. He’s radiating, quite literally and beautifully I may add.

“Where are we off to on this summer day?” He questions and I incur his eyes subtly attempting to look me up and down.

I refrain from smirking at his wondering eyes and alternatively, I take in a breath, embracing the summer morning air, “You decide, you’re the driver.”

“Madam, all due respect, but your husband would consider that kidnapping,” Mr.Styles snickers in a somewhat whimsical manner and I roll my eyes at him.

“All due respect Mr.Styles, but I sign your paycheck, not my husband,” I respond and with my free hand, I glide my sunglasses to cover my eyes before I relax between the leather interior of the car while the door seals.

The car emanates of a mix of pristine leather and a masculinity scent.

I shift my sunglasses to rest back on top of my head as Mr.Styles opens the privacy divider so I can observe him as he starts the car, “I require some sort of location on where you’d wish to go.”

I hum a sigh as I stare at him through the rearview mirror, a slight smirk kissing my lips as I catch a glimpse of him adjusting the tie around his neck. “Choose something with a pleasing view that is at least two hours away.”

“Is a five-hour drive too long for today?”

“Hmm, as thrilling as that appears, it is too far. I can’t go off the grid for ten hours, not today,” I respond with a heavy sigh, as much as I would love to leave for such a long time, I actually have to pretend to appreciate my husband’s company tonight.

“Oh, yes,” Styles nods, “that Garla, I remember now. How about a two and a half hour drive?”

“Seems fine, if that ridiculous tie my husband forces you wear is irritating you, you can take it off.”

I am not inspiring him to leisurely take that tie off that is suspending excellently, encompassing his neck, but I am also not~ not encouraging him.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to get fired, kind of need this job.”

“Positive,” I consent, his right hand reaching for his tie and untangling it as his left-hand stays caressed to the steering wheel as he drives.

I lean back on the leather and become comfortable, enjoying the quietness and the breeze that is managing to press through the small crack in the window.

When Nate, my husband is in the vehicle, he insists on having the windows up and the AC on. Nathan has a distaste for wind clasping to his face and blowing through his hair, he much prefers to stay relaxed with the AC sweeping through the car while he stays glued to that damn phone of his. God ever forbid if we end up in a desolate region where there is no phone service, the man would go bonkers and disremember how to breathe.

“Mrs Archibald-”

I swiftly cut Mr Styles gentle sounding voice off, “Please don’t call me that when Nathan is not around.”

Mr Styles clears his throat and nods, “Madam, what do you prefer?”

“My name.”

“Which is?” He questions with his eyes intently focused on the road. For a moment I cock my head to the side and stare at him from my position in the back of the car.

How does he not know what my name is?

“Do you not know my name?” He immediately challenges out of curiosity. Certainly, he grasps that Mrs Archibald isn’t my only name. Of course, I know his name.

I nod while he briskly lifts his eyes to glance at me in the rearview mirror, “Harold,”

He chuckles and I swear in the blink of an eye everything kindled into a brighter shade, “No, my name is Harry,”

“On your forms, it states Harold,”

“Well, yes. Harold enunciates more formal than Harry. I uh-”

“You lied,” I raise a brow, savouring how he suddenly begins to squirm and become flustered.

“I uh- no, well, yes,” he stammers, “I just-”

“Relax,” I interrupt his range of stutters and nervousness as he endeavours to think of what to say, “It isn’t a big deal,” I shrug, not caring about such an insignificant thing. My husband would flip if he found out, but I don’t care about minimal information. “Why’d you do it?”

“I didn’t think I would receive the job as Harry, I thought a posher calling name would benefit me. I just- I honestly needed the job, I am sorry Madam.”

“It is fine, Harry or Harold, whichever one you are going by,” I chuckle teasingly and I observe as he attempts to conceal a developing smirk that is gathering at his lips.

“You have yet to tell me what you wish to be called,”

“Eleanor. How long until we arrive at this unknown destination?”

“Well, Eleanor. Look out the window, we are here.” Harry informs me and I drag my eyes to look out the window where they cast upon an array of limestone-carved arches and beautiful crystal water that glimmers against the rays of the sun. “Man O’War Beach, Dorset, one of the best-hidden beaches,” Harry’s voice takes my attention right before he steps out of the driver’s seat and opens my door. Harry offers his hand and I press mine it to step out.

Automatically, my body is encompassed by the settling breeze of the beach and the satisfying echo of meagre waves resting against the delicate sand and few pebbles, from what I can observe from up here.

I wander to the edge of the South West Coast Path and inhale a deep breath before I begin to stroll down the stone edges steps, “Eleanor,” Harry’s voice distracts me and I turn around to face him with my head cocked to the side, unaware of what his problem may be. “You can’t march down there on your own, especially in heels,” Harry gestures towards the heels that grace my feet.

“You’d be surprised at what I can do in heels, Styles.”

“Although I am sure you can do quite a lot, you shouldn’t walk the steps on your own.”

“Well, join me,” I shrug, turning back around and walking down the stone steps to the wonderful beach in view.

My hair brushes to fall over my shoulder as the wind whispers around me and I clasp my hand to hold my dress from flowing in the wind while my other hand holds my heels.

I take a breath and feel a sense of harmony and clarity coating over me, a relaxing aura. Without much consideration, I conduct myself to the water’s edge and enable the stream to ripple over the tips of my toes and escort its way over my feet. 

Saltwater remedies all wounds and for a moment the ocean pacifies my restless soul as it continues to embrace my bare skin. I rise further in, rumpling my dress to cut off mid-thigh as I wander further into the ocean. 

“Eleanor, what are you doing?” Harry’s voice becomes raised against the character of the seaside.

I turn around to confront him with a grin, my hands allowing my dress to fall to the water as I take a few steps backwards, relishing the feel of the water cleansing my soul and body. I launch my hands up in the air, “Embracing, simply embracing.” … “You should try it,” my voice comes off as more of a giggle while I spin myself around like a child, appreciating how the water feels urged against my skin. 

He shakes his head as he crosses his arms over his white button up, “I don’t have a change of clothes.”

“Neither do I,” I acknowledge, “Embrace, Harry.” I encourage but he resists and continues to observe me from the shore while I enable my feet to curl into the damp sand beneath me. 

I sigh as I leave the water and sand adheres to me as I stroll towards Harry, “Did you have fun?" 

"Mhm, shame you are no fun,” I mutter, wrapping my arms around me as I feel the breeze becoming chilly as it brushes against my half damp body and dress. 

Harry rolls his eyes and purses his lips into a precise line, “I am fun,” he hums as his hand’s press to his buttons and the peaks of his fingers begin to unbutton. “Here, use this until we get back to the car,” he hands me his white shirt and I take it from his hands with a little reluctance. My eyes flutter to browse his tan skinned that is a sharp plane of alps and abs. He is so toned and divine. 

I strain my eyes away from his body despite how lovely it is to admire. 

I bring it up to my arms and draw it around my front to shield me from the breeze, “Shall we?” He gestures towards the steps that lead up to where the car is. I give him a nod and transit across the sand.