#oh how i miss smoking weed. i’ve been so sober for months now are you guys proud

[stinkrascal]

people who smoke weed before they go into work are crazy do you have no fear

[etherrealoblivion]

A Joint Effort

Prompt: I just thought of this for some reason, but imagine everyone in the bau all high as fuck, in one room together.

Words: 1,905

A/N: for the bad b*tches in my MGG group chat. Love y’all.

Content Warning!!!!: Drugs (weed)

MASTERLIST

~

It had started out a regular Friday evening. Well, as regular as a Friday evening could be for the sorry few that worked in the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI.

After a particularly draining case, the team decided a night out would be the best way to unwind. More precisely, Morgan decided and convinced the others with much help from Garcia.

So that’s how a mother, a genius, a spy, a hacker, a playboy, a boss, and a millionaire all ended up stumbling home, drunk off their asses down the empty streets of D.C.

Sadly, J.J, who had been the designated driver, didn’t get the memo until after her fourth drink. Garcia, the messenger, was a little late on delivering it. By then, everyone else was already wasted so Hotch figured it was time to go home. Or, actually, to crash at Rossi’s place. He was nearby and had enough bedrooms for everyone to rest peacefully, although the team had a slight notion that the party wasn’t quite over.

This thought was confirmed quite quickly for as everyone plopped down amongst the plethora of cozy chairs in Rossi’s living room, Morgan found the millionaires liquor cabinet, shamelessly helping himself to the array of drinks there.

However, before he could indulge too far, a small wooden box caught his eye as he was about to select a fifty-year scotch.

Alcohol didn’t seem to affect his profiling skills as he deduced what was in the box as if there was a note written on it.

Smirking, Morgan wondered whether or not his team members would. Rossi would, for sure. Garcia, definitely probably. Hotch? Reid? Hmm.

“Hey, Rossi,” Morgan said, putting on a voice of drunken interest, “what’s this box, here?”

Rossi’s head snapped to where he was standing, confirming his suspicions. Before he could speak, Reid piped up, stammering slightly.

“That’s an 1870’s oakwood Captain James box. Collectors quality. Only four hundred were made.”

“Isn’t that a lot?” Garcia asked, taking off her heels.

“Yes, for the era. But three hundred and seventeen were lost to the ocean on the shipwreck of the Casterberous. Interestingly enough--”

“Actually,” Morgan butted in, slowly opening the box and smiling as he saw what was in it, “What I was more interested in was what was in the box.”

Rossi, always composed, shrugged and stood walking towards morgan.

“What can I say? In our line of work, one tends to need to . . . destress every now and again.”

Hotch snorted, finally realizing what the mystery box contained. Dave had told him of his habit, but Hotch never really given it much thought. Everyone had their vices.

“What’s in it?” Prentiss said, trying to steal a glimpse.

“Wait . . .” Garcia paused for a moment, shot Morgan a look to which he smirked knowingly, then burst into laughter, clutching her sides and rolling back on the couch.

J.J looked from Garcia to Rossi, the latter standing with his hands in his pockets, looking sheepish. She quickly put two and two together.

“Oh my god!”

“What?” Reid was still confused. “What, what is it? What have I missed?”

Morgan raised his eyebrows at Rossi questioningly to which the older man nodded softly. So Morgan placed the box, lid open, on the coffee table. So that everyone could see the set of pre-rolled cigarettes laying on purple satin within.

Prentiss smiled.

“Well, well, well. David Rossi, do my eyes deceive me, or is that Acapulco gold?”

Everyone but Reid laughed, who was looking at the cigarette curiously.

“I don’t understand. Cigarettes? Prentiss used to smoke, I don’t see the big deal.”

J.J. pat his head.

“You’ll learn, Spence. You’ll learn. May I?” she directed the last part to Rossi, gesturing toward the box.

He waved a hand.

“Be my guest. As long as no one is uncomfortable?” he phrased it as a question.

Murmurs of assent filled the room, everyone but Reid and Hotch reaching for one of the neatly rolled cigarettes in the box and Rossi going to fetch his lighter and put on a quiet record for background noise.

“J.J? You don’t smoke tobacco?”

Morgan laughed. Pretty boy was a genius at most things. This not being one of them.

“Spence,” J.J. took the lighter from Rossi and lit her cigarette, a pungent smell quickly filling the room, “it’s not tobacco.”

A look of comprehension finally found its way onto Reid’s face, causing everyone looking at him to shake with laughter.

“Oh.”

Morgan slapped him on the back, handing him a lit joint. “‘Oh’ is right. Now listen, no peer pressure, Pretty Boy. You get uncomfortable, stand up, and go to bed, no judgment. But, if you wanna chill out for a while, get that genius mind to calm down, take a puff of this.” And Morgan brought his joint to his lips, steadily taking a drag and blowing it out with practiced expertise.

A moment of hesitation was all Spencer needed, quickly reassured by the ease with which his friends and colleagues began to smoke. Then, he brought the joint to his mouth and took a deep breath.

As expected, he coughed immediately, a horrible hacking noise as blue-ish smoke expelled from his mouth and nose.

His friends started to giggle, already feeling the high hit them.

Hotch finally decided to join in after a few minutes of watching everyone enjoy themselves. Reid recovered surprisingly quickly, barely coughing the second and third times and not at all by the fourth.

It suddenly occurred to everyone that they’d all been silent the whole time. Garcia, of course, was the first to rectify this.

“Okay, when was the last time everybody got high? Go.” She pointed to her left where J.J sat sprawled out against her.

“Um. Oh god. Three months before I found out I was pregnant with Henry. Although I’m not sure you’d count that as ‘high’. It was one hit from a bong at this party I went to.”

“A party?!” Prentiss said, surprised. “When? Where?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes!” everyone exclaimed.

“Okay! Jeez. It was when we had that weekend off after the Garner case. I went down to New Orleans to see Will and . . . one thing led to another.”

“Is that why you kept texting me asking for pictures of my cat?” Garcia giggled, absentmindedly petting J.J’s hair.

“Yeah. . . I wanted to make sure it wasn’t a robot. Don’t ask.”

After a bit of laughter, everyone recovered and it was Hotch’s turn next.

“Four years ago. After the Nieman case in Tampa. Haley was the one who suggested it. It did help me relax, but the taste is something I couldn’t stand.”

Everyone nodded slightly, accepting this answer as valid.

Rossi shrugged, gesturing to the now empty box. Clearly he had smoked recently, probably within the month so the question passed to Morgan.

“I’m gonna be honest. I . . . partake whenever we have free time.”

“So. . . ?” J.J asked.

Morgan sighed.

“Last weekend.”

Wow. Garcia started to laugh which caused a domino effect on the rest of the team. Reid was finally relaxing into the feeling, laughing along with his friends.

“Y’all think that’s real funny, huh?” Morgan said, unable to stop the smile forming on his face.

“Yep,” Reid said through another puff, suppressing a cough. “Only because it makes so much sense.”

“Oh yeah?” Morgan got a mischievous look in his eye. “Okay, Prentiss. Your turn.”

Emily, who had been laughing heartily, suddenly froze, looking nervously around the room.

“I, er, I don’t recall.”

Morgan chuckled.

“Well then, allow me to refresh your memory. Last weekend I’m minding my own business when I get a call from Emily here. She’s going off about how expensive movie tickets are and how it’s cheaper to buy back-alley weed. I tell her not to worry, I’ve got my hands on the good stuff right here. Needless to say, within the hour we were both high off our asses.”

Prentiss had turned bright pink, taking a sip from a water bottle she’d withdrawn from her purse. Looking back, she should have known better than to hide her face from a group of seasoned profilers.

“Oh, damn, Emily!” Garcia bounced on the couch, shaking J.J who groaned. “Why didn’t you tell me! You know I am always one phone call and thirty-five minutes away.”

Emily glanced at Derek, smirking. “That’s the problem, Pen. Sometimes you can be a little . . . much.”

Garcia gasped softly, “Emilia, you offend me. I’m offended. I’m chill! I’m a chill person,” she added, a little shrilly, sending the group into yet another fit of laughter.

“What? Look at me now! I’m relaxing on the couch, totally at peace.”

In her defense, she was. Absentmindedly braiding J.J’s hair and working out the knots in it. One sharp pull made J.J wince.

“Ow! Yeah, ‘at peace’ my ass.”    

“Shush! Reid, go.”

Spencer opened his mouth but Morgan spoke first.

“Aw, come on, Baby Girl. You saw how Pretty Boy here coughed. He hasn’t touched a drug in his life.”

“I-”

“Oh, come on. People don’t only cough when they’ve never smoked before. Besides, he went to Caltech AND got a doctorate at MIT. Those Ivy Leagues have the most toked up students anyway.”

“Well, I-”

“Nah,” Morgan interrupted. “Pretty Boy’s been sober his whole life.”

“Actually . . .”

Morgan’s head snapped to Reid, as quick as he could under the influence. Which, in retrospect was not all that quick.

“Kid. You’re telling me you’ve done this before?”

Reid went even pinker than Emily had.

“Not, uh. Not exactly. I’ve certainly never smoked a joint with anyone. But, well. That wasn’t the question.”

“What was the question?” Garcia asked.

“You’re the one who asked it!”

She simply shrugged, reapplying her lipstick smoothly. The high was slowly wearing off everyone.

“You asked when the last time everyone got high was,” Reid explained, his hands gesticulating wildly. “While I have never smoked - really no one should, the things it does to your lungs - I have ingested marijuana before.”

“What!?” Morgan and Garcia exclaimed, prompting an even louder Shh from Rossi. Hotch was smirking softly, lighting several candelabras around the room, attempting to clear the air of the stench.

“What?” Reid asked, annoyed at their shock. “I might be nerdy but I’m not a prude.”

Prentiss laughed and remarked to J.J, “Next thing he’s gonna be telling us he’s not a virgin.”

“Actual-”

“Stop, right there, kid,” Morgan butted in, settling down on the couch for the night. “That’s not the kinda thing I wanna hear about right now.”

“But you were curious about me getting high before!”

“Yeah, that’s your business.”

Prentiss butted in, “Besides, we should just focus on the now. It seems while we’ve all partook before, but never together like this. This time it’s a… a…”

“A joint effort,” Reid said, glancing around the room with a playful smile.

A collective groan followed his quip and several pillows were thrown his way.

“You’re lucky I’m barely stoned,” Garcia said. “I’d come over there and give you a proper pillow fight.”

Rossi leaned forward over the old box.

“Ladies, gents,” he lifted the purple satin lining revealing several more pre-rolled marijuana cigarettes, “the night is still young.”

And so, the FBI profilers hotboxed David Rossi’s living room, laughing about nonsense and learning much more than they’d wanted to about Spencer Reid’s sexual history

[strangestdiary]

Light My Fire | Klaus Hargreeves

Relationship: Klaus/Reader 

Summary: Being back in the 1960s was a lot more comfortable the second time around Klaus comes to realize. 

Words: 2.3k

Warnings: Mentions of drugs and alcohol, light angst??, fluff, not going with canon of season 2 obviously 

A/N: Uh oh what’s this? Part 2 is possible. This was totally unprompted and I just really wanted to write it so here it is!

Also should I make a tag list? Let me know.

REQUESTS ARE OPEN

---

It wasn’t hard to realize what exactly he was doing down here, rifling through your recently stocked cabinets for some alcohol as he muttered to himself. You couldn’t help but smile to yourself while watching him clumsily push some bottles aside, swearing when one or two is about to fall off the shelf.

He backed away from your cabinet with a giddy smile on his face, kissing the neck of a half empty cherry smirnoff bottle. He unscrewed the cap and wiggled his hips a little before raising the bottle to his lips. He was slow to turn around but once he finally did he gasped followed by watery choking and clutching his chest in surprise. 

“Jesus Christ!” He shouted “How long have you been standing there?” 

A smirk found its way to your lips at his reaction. You shrugged, pushing yourself off the entrance of your family bar. “Long enough to watch you raid my alcohol and almost cost me a whole shelf of drinks that would be very expensive to replace.” You shot a playful glare at him and brushed past him to latch the shutter doors closed once again. 

It had been a few months since Klaus landed in your life in a very unceremonious fashion, quite literally landing on top of you in your bed after being spit out by a bright blue light just below your ceiling. You still had a small bump from where he accidentally elbowed your jaw when falling. 

At first you had convinced yourself it was an all too realistic dream produced from the weed you had smoked a little too much of earlier that night. That idea was pushed out of the window the day after when you woke up and the strange man was still in your room, laying in your silk hammock that was nailed up in the corner of your room. 

You both had gotten to know each other in the small amount of time you’ve known each other though, you had taken him to meet your friends who were all too enthusiastic to embrace a newcomer. He fit in well with them though, the smoking circles becoming more lively with him around and the conversations being the most entertaining talks you’ve had in your life. 

He was a curious but wonderful change to your life, and to say you were attracted to him was an understatement. 

Klaus hadn’t opened up to you that much about his past, but there were moments where he would let his walls drop just for a second. Sometimes an offhand comment about a sibling or sometimes indulging you in how exactly he got here in the first place. Everything he provided just sounded like some made up story he had spun for your entertainment. Especially when he would joke about being from the future. 

Klaus may not be the strangest person you had met but he was up there for sure. 

“Are you doing anything tomorrow night?” You asked, leaning back against the shutter cabinets he had been practically inside of just minutes ago. Klaus watched you curiously raising a brow with a gleam in his beautiful emerald eyes. 

He leaned against the bar idly with a smile playing on his lips “It depends on what you have in mind.” He brought the smirnoff back up to his lips, barely even reacting as the harsh alcohol burned its way down his throat. 

Pushing off the cabinets softly you walked up to him in three strides, a smile of your own threatening to break through “Marry and her girlfriend are hosting a get together in the woods behind their trailer, the usual smoking circle and maybe something else.” You felt him tug aimlessly on the black piano shawl wrapped around your shoulders. “There’s also someone I want you to meet too.” You said just above a whisper, your faces inching closer and closer by the second. 

“Yeah and who’s that?” His smile was breathtaking, his hands coming to rest on your waist. 

“His name’s Dave.” You whispered your lips just about to touch his. Klaus tenses up at the name, his fingers clenching against your waist, his eyes were wide and he was frozen in place. You backed off by an inch or two staring at him curiously “What’s wrong?” 

Klaus shook himself out of his shocked state long enough to look into your eyes, his mind reeling. “Did you- did you just say his name was Dave?” 

You nodded slowly confused why he was so bent up over this so suddenly, “Yeah he’s back home from bootcamp for a few months.” You detach yourself from Klaus to take a step back and look at him fully “He’s one of my closest friends and we kinda had a thing for a while before he left.” You play with your shawl idly trying to find the right words “I would have said something before but it’s hard talking about him without getting myself all worked up.” You chuckled to yourself before bringing a hand up to cup Klaus’ face in your hand, the stubble on his face scratching against your palm slightly. 

“We don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” You whispered studying his face, emotions clouding his eyes. He shook his head against your palm before smiling, taking your hand in his. 

“No I wanna go. I just... I don’t know.” This was the most speechless you had ever seen Klaus in your short time of knowing him. Usually he was jumping at the opportunity to join you and your friends. You remembered that one time when you both got drunk and he told you that he hadn’t felt this wanted and included since being with his ex, he never elaborated more than that though and you never pushed him to tell you. 

“Do you have any pictures of him?” He asked after a few quiet seconds. You nodded with a smile tugging him by the hand to the stairs that led up to your apartment above the bar. 

Once in your living room you walk over to the coffee table, sliding one of the drawers out you grab the thick velvety photo album that has all of your pictures with your friends and you. You sat back onto the couch and pat the space beside you, Klaus didn’t hesitate to sit himself down. You flipped through a few pages before finally landing on the page you were looking for, you smiled to yourself as you picked up your favorite photo. 

It was you and Dave sitting on the same couch you and Klaus were on, Dave’s arm slung over your shoulder laughing at some stupid joke you had told him. You remembered that day so clearly even after getting arguably a little too high, it was the day after high school graduation and you were both practically attached at the hip back then. 

You didn’t even notice you were crying until Klaus’ thumb was smoothing over your cheek. You chuckled weakly muttering a weak apology “It’s been too long since I’ve looked at these.” You said with a fond smile looking up at Klaus. He was staring at you with his own unshed tears. “Are you okay?” He nodded before looking back down at the photo still in your hand. 

“Do you have any more?” The adoration in his eyes was hard to miss when he looked at the picture, you almost wondered if he knew Dave... but that was impossible Dave would have told you about Klaus in some way or another. 

You decided to indulge Klaus and went through the rest of the album, a few more tears being shed by you as you retold the stories behind some of them. Once you were done and closed the photo album Klaus stood from the couch and put his hand out for you now. 

“I have something to show you.” His voice was somewhat strained but you decided not to question him on it. 

He led you to the spare room you had let Klaus sleep in while he tried to get his feet back under him. You stood next to his bed watching him go through the nightstand drawer before sighing to himself and standing. You looked curiously at the dogtags he held carefully in his hand. 

“Promise me you won’t freak out okay?” The skeptical look you gave him made him heave a sigh again, he grabbed your hand and urged you to sit down on the bed, your knees touching as you faced each other. “I know I told you about a boyfriend I had but I never really went into it for... well for reasons, but when you showed me those pictures I knew I couldn’t keep this from you.” You noticed his hands were shaking, the metal dog tags clanging against each other. “I need you to hear me out okay?” He looked at you hopefully, you urged him to go on with your hand “And I mean really hear me out even if it sounds so out of this world. I promise you I would never lie about this.” You couldn’t help but notice how his voice was trembling as well. 

You placed a hand on his bicep in hopes to help him calm down “Hey it’s okay. I’m listening to you Klaus. I mean, you fell on me from some blue portal thing above my bed. It'll be hard not to believe you about something you’re this worked up over.” You assured, a smile making its way to both of your faces. 

He took a deep breath before launching into a story about how he was never joking when telling you about him being from the future. How he had accidentally landed himself in the middle of the Vietnam War for ten months and how he had fallen in love with someone along the way. He hadn’t given you the name of the man he fell for but you had a wild guess of who he might be talking about. Everything he described this man to be reminded you so much of Dave, and when the reality of who he was talking about finally dawned on you Klaus had told you how that man had died in his arms, how broken up he was about it. 

“He was the first person I ever really went sober for...” Klaus said, trembling back in his voice again “I mean I had to see him one last time before everything ended you know?” The look in his eyes broke your heart. He looked back down at the dog tags clutched in his hands before looking back up at you again. He handed them to you almost reluctantly, waiting for you to reject him and accuse him of lying. 

You read the name over and over again before a sob tore through your throat. “I can’t believe it.” You whimpered looking back up at Klaus, his own tears streaking down his cheeks. You pulled him into a tight hug and you both just sat and cried in each other’s arms for who  knows how long. 

You knew there was something special about Klaus from the second you met him, the both of you screaming as you tangled yourself further in your blankets as you tried to push off the mysterious man who fell from a blue light in your ceiling. He was just as tied to Dave as you were, his love for your best friend matching your own. 

After the last of your tears had dried you sat back and looked into Klaus’ red rimmed emerald eyes. “So what do you say Klaus, you ready to go meet Dave?” Your grin was just as watery as his was. 

“I’ve been ready.” He muttered, his eyes fluttering and his eyelashes kissing his cheeks as you wiped away another tear that escaped the corner of his eye. 

He let out a chuckle and grabbed your hand “You know you kind of remind me of him.” He said with a wink. You snort and shake your head against his pillows, staring up at the ceiling. “I’m serious, you both are scarily alike.” 

You hum in agreement, turning your head to look back at him “That’s probably why we didn’t work out together.” You muse, smiling to yourself “We would get in these really stupid fights all the time and eventually we just had enough and broke it off.” Klaus nodded in understanding “We were always better off as friends but that didn’t mean we didn’t indulge in a little sharing every so often.” That caught his attention. 

“Oh?” His tone was teasing yet curious. 

“Man, you have no idea. We were both in a year long relationship with Sky, you remember him right? The really cute one with the long blonde hair that likes to cuddle up with people when he’s high?” Klaus chuckled to himself before laying on his stomach next to you, propping his head up with his hands. 

“So scandalous.” He joked making you roll your eyes a laugh of your own floating in the air. 

The night went on and on, the both of your trading stories back and forth going from Dave to what your childhood was like. He opened up to you about his power he claimed to have, the look on his face told you he was all too serious about the horrible things he went through as a kid. It made your heart clench. 

You both talked until finally you both drifted off to sleep one after the other, his fingers threaded with yours. It was comfortable, not being woken by one of Klaus’ nightmares he would have every so often. You couldn’t be more happy where you were.   

[wayward-nephilim]

Before it all Started (Pt. 2) // Rafe Cameron

Prompt: You and Rafe break up, you see him again after avoiding him for a while

Warnings: drug/alcohol use, a little bit of angst.

A/N: here is a part two that no one asked for but low key kind of inspired to write one just to ease my soul it’s kinda short and shitty but it’s cool. Low key wanna do a part three idk broski.

You had successfully avoided your ex boyfriend, Rafe for a whole month. Every so often you’d get the urge to text him and ask how he was doing, but managed to fight against it. He only reached out twice in that time, you ignored him both times and it hurt your heart more than anything to do that. You wanted to just call him and tell him you miss him, you did, you still loved him and you always would. He was your drug.

In avoiding him, you’ve avoided parties, because he has a habit of showing up to all of them. But Kie and Sarah had managed to convince you to go to the Bineyard for a party they were throwing. Your look was simple, shorts with a drug rug. And your makeup was minimal, not feeling up to getting dolled up.

“Cmon, Y/N.” Kie spoke, “Are you sure you don’t want to wear something more sexy?”

“Not really.” You shrugged, “I’m not looking for a rebound. I’m only going to have a good time with my friends.”

She offered you a kind smile, “Well, thank you for doing this.”

“I’d do anything for you and it’s about time I actually leave the house and go to social gatherings. I do need to eventually get over it.” You frowned, bitter about the break up.

“But you don’t have to rush to do it, healing takes time.” She said, “But still, what did you see in him?”

“Kie..” you started, you knew she didn’t mean it in a hateful way, but Rafe was never particularly nice to your friends. “He was nice, and caring. Have you ever felt like someone was so perfect for you? That it hurts when your not with them and that even after being together for so long you still get butterflies in your stomach? The love never died.” He is meant for me you wanted to tell her.

“Y/N.” She frowned, you talked to Kie about your relationship but never really went into details about it.

“He put aside and changed his feelings about you guys for me.” You said, picking at your nails.

“Rafe.” You started pinching the bridge of your nose. The two of you were sitting in your room, dressed up for a party that was happening at the Boneyard. “They’re my friends.”

“Why? You’re a Kook. They’re not.” He defended himself.

“I want you to give them a chance. You don’t know them, and I love them and I love you and if you’re going to ask me to pick, I’m not going to. I want to be able to have you both. I’m not asking you to hang out with them all night but just give them a chance.” You frowned at him. His blue eyes looked at you with sincerity. His body relaxed. “Will you give them a chance, for me?”

“For you.” He sighed, “I’ll put my differences aside.”

“Thank you.” You smiled running over to hug him. “I love you. And thank you for doing this, I promise you won’t regret it.”

“I would do anything to make sure you’re happy.” He smiled, pulling away and planting a kiss on your lips.

You smiled at the memory that slowly faded away into the distance. Kie got up and sat next to you, putting an arm around your shoulder and pulling you into her. “Hey. Let’s not focus on him tonight, okay? This night is for you to be free and have fun. We’re gonna get wasted.”

You smiled at her. Shaking the bad juju away. “Tonight is our night.” You grinned,

“Good, now come on. Or else we’re gonna be late.”

*

By the time you and Kie showed up, half the island was piled on the tiny beach. Music blasting and kids from all social classes having fun and partying together. You didn’t want to give Kie and sarah the satisfaction but this is exactly what you needed.

The two of you walked up to the group, your friends hugging you. “How have you been?” JJ asked,

“I’ve been good.” You offered him a smile,

“We’ve missed you.” John B playfully punched your arm,

“I missed you guys too. I’m sorry I haven’t been around too much recently. I’ve been working a lot.” Part of it was true, you did pick up more shifts of the golf course but also you needed a break from people. You hung out a few time since Rafe and you broken up but never explained the break up to anyone.

“It’s good to have you around.” Pope smiled, soon falling to conversation with Kie. You smiled at the couple and turned back to John B.

“Where’s Sarah?” You asked, scanning around not seeing the blonde.

“She’s gonna be a little late.” John B told you,

“Oh.” You wanted to ask why, maybe it was something with Rafe and got concerned.

JJ spoke up, “Want some alcohol, or weed?”

“Whats the strongest thing you got?” You asked, parties were for getting shit faced. That’s what you planned to do. In retrospect you knew it wasn’t the best coping mechanism but you’ve been off for the last month.

“Let’s go look.” He said grabbing your hand and pulled you to a cooler back by the bone fire. You scanned your options before settling on a Smirnoff ice. Chugging it down quicker than you’d like, you made a face and burped and reached for another one.

“You’re gonna make yourself sick.” JJ looked at you with a concerned look but didn’t stop you.

“Psh. It’s fine.” You shrugged, “I haven’t left the house in a month. Well, other than work, but I need a night to relax and just be free. Ya know?”

He grinned at you. “Oh, I definitely know.”

You took a sip from your Smirnoff and looked at JJ. Weighing your options, JJ was basically a walking sex machine. You could sleep with him at little to no cost. You watched as his muscles flexed, digging through the cooler. He was one of your closest friends, though. So sleeping with him could make things awkward. Finishing the bottle, you grabbed a beer from him.

“Slow down tiger.” He eyed you suspiciously. Sipping from his own beer.

“When have I been known to not know how to handle myself?” You raised an eyebrow.

“Well there was that time at John B’s birthday party, and then again at mid-summers-“

You cut him off. “That’s enough. Those are very bad examples.”

“There’s still more.” He laughed,

“It’s only occasionally I don’t know how to handle myself.” For the most part you knew how to behave. “You said smoke though. You got a joint?”

He nodded and pulled it out of a small Altoids container that was in his pocket and lit it up. His lips wrapped perfectly around it. “To bad habits.” He passed it to you, exhaling his smoke.

“To bad habits.” You mumbled, taking it from him and hitting it. Your body was warming up and head was getting fuzzy. You smiled and just stood in content. Everything felt better from the cross fade.

“Wanna go dance?” He asked, holding his hand out for you.

You nodded and grabbed it and let him drag you to the crowd of dancing people. Both of you out of rhythm but neither of you seemed to care, you were too busy enjoying yourself. His hands were on your hips and you felt warm.

Rafe and you ended up at some Kook party that night. Both of you drinking before hand. But the alcohol at the party was much better than what you could manage to get your hands on. Normally you only went to parties with your friends but Rafe convinced you to go with him tonight and you didn’t regret it one bit.

His hands were on your hips and the two of you moved to the music. “You look so pretty tonight.” He’s lured in your ears

You giggled and looked at him, your arms around his rock. “You’re prettier.”

“Doubtful.” He smiled, continuing to dance with you. He spun you around and then dipped you. Causing you to laugh and grab his face. Giving his a big kiss. He pulled you up and deepened the kiss. Tangling his fingers in your hair.

You moaned into his mouth and pulled him out of the crowd and into a random bed room.

You swayed your hips on him, the beer you snatched from him still in your hand. Turning around you let your butt rub against his front. His hot breath on your neck and hands around your waist. “Y/N.” He groaned,

“JJ.” You spoke back, seductively. Eyes closed but head tilted up to him.

“I’m, um-“ he cleared his throat and you smiled, he was hard. You turned to face him again and opened your eyes.

“Seems like you’ve got a problem.” You giggled, getting up on your toes to whisper in his ear “I can help-“ you froze in your spot when you came to meet the pair of blue eyes you’d never forget. He looked upset as he watched you.

“Y/N?” JJ questioned. “What’s wrong?” He turned to see what you were staring at and he released you from his hold when he saw Rafe standing in the distance. You felt terror in your bones at the thought that he might storm over here and beat JJ up. But he never moved, he just looked at you disappointedly.

“JJ, I’m-“ You said, feeling guilty. The reality and sober feeling creeping into your body.

“It’s fine.” He shrugged it off, clearing his throat. “Are you gonna talk to him?”

“Should I?” You asked him, wanting serious advice you weren’t sure he would be able to give.

“How long has it been?”

“A month.” You looked back at JJ.

“Go talk to him. I won’t be far, if he tries anything.”

“Thank you, JJ. And I’m sorry for the um-“ you pointed to his crotch.

“It’s fine. I’ll find a tourist later.” He waved his hand at you and you walked away from him. Slowly making your way over to the blonde haired boy who never took his eyes off of you.

You tried to offer him a smile as best as you could. “Rafe.” Not sure what you were going to say to him or how to even say anything. Things couldn’t just resume back to the way they were before.

He looked different. He had put on some weight and his eyes weren’t glassy as they’d been the last time you saw him. He also looked miserable, that being a lingering side effect from the breakup. “So are you two like a thing?” He asked, scratching the back of his neck.

“Rafe. It’s only been a month.” You said, “And please let’s not start an argument here.”

“That didn’t answer my question, Y/N.” He said, rubbing his face in distress.

“No. We’re not.” You told him and watched him relax. “This is my first time out in a month. I needed a free night when I’m not thinking about everything.” The tension between you two was thick. It was awkward, trying to pretend like that night a month ago didn’t happen and trying to pretend that he didn’t see you just grinding on another boy.

“Can we talk somewhere private?” He asked. “Somewhere where your friends aren’t evesdropping.” You looked around and all of your friends were watching you from various locations.

“They’re just worried, because I’ve been drinking and I have a record of doing dumb things.” You tried to banter with him. And make him feel less uncomfortable. “But yes, we can.”

You walked with him back to his car and sat in the passenger seat, him sitting in the drivers seat. You gulped. “So uh- how have you been?” You tried not to let your voice crack but failed. Your body was stiff and facing forward because you weren’t sure you would be able to contain yourself from kissing him if you turned to see him.

“I’m three weeks clean today.” He said softly, looking down at his steering wheel.

You turned to look at him. And smiled, “That’s really good Rafe. I’m proud of you.” He sniffled. You could tell he was holding it in and you frowned. Your heart aching as you saw him break down in front of you. He was hunched over and body shaking.

You grabbed his hand and squeezed it reassuringly. “Hey, what’s wrong?” You cooed.

“No one has ever been as kind to me as you. No one cares like you do.” He looked up to you with red puffy eyes and tears rolling down his face. “You left me, though. Do you know how that feels?”

Tears brimmed in your eyes at the vulnerable state of your ex. “Yes, Rafe.” It wasn’t easy for me. “I haven’t left my house in a month..” you admitted to him.

“Do you still love me?” He asked you,

You stared at him longingly. “Of course I do Rafe. You can’t really just throw what we had away.”

“Why did you leave me, then?”

“It’s something I knew needed to happen.” You shrugged, “I told you about my mom and her drug addiction and you know what that did to me and watching the only person I’ve ever loved doing the same thing wasn’t something I could bear to see. I didn’t want to, but it was all too familiar and I couldn’t go down that same hole. Maybe I’m selfish-“

“You’re not.” He reassured you, “I should have been better.”

“No.” You stopped him, “Don’t think like that. Yes, the drugs are a bad thing but it’s a hard thing to battle with. I’m upset that you didn’t take my help when I offered it. Everyone make mistakes, that’s not the issue. This issue is not learning from them. Learning from mistakes is a way of life, it’s how we live and progress. And the fact that you overcame this by yourself is a huge thing that needs to be recognized.”

He was silent. And the two of you stared at each other. Your hands still connected. “I’m sorry you had to see me and JJ.” You frowned, a guilty feeling growing in your stomach. “But thank you for not killing him.”

“Yeah.” He spoke, you knew he was upset about it. “Everyone moves on their own ways.”

“Rafe.” You started, “I’m not moving on. I don’t think I could ever, there’s no one that I’d rather be with than you. You’re the only one that I want.” His blue eyes held hope and he managed to smile at you.

“You mean that?” He sniffled again, the tears stopped flowing from his eyes.

You nodded. “Yes. I don’t want anyone else, JJ isn’t you and he’s one of my best friends, not my next possible love interest.”

He cleared his throat, “So I guess I should ask if we’re getting back together.”

You sat in silence for a while. Of course you wanted to get back with Rafe he was everything to you. But we’re you ready for it? “I want to, but let’s take it slow. We’ve been apart a while and need time for it to slowly fall into place.” You told him, reasing his hand from yours you brought it up to his face and lightly ran your thumb across his cheek. His lips pouted.

“Okay. We can work with that.” He spoke, “How do we take it slow?”

“I’m not quite sure yet.” You said, “We’ll just have to go with the flow.”

The eye contact never ceased to fail. “Well, can I kiss you?” He asked,

You nodded and leaned your face into his, uncomfortably leaning against the center consol to connect your lips to his. You melted instantly, butterflies in your stomach and a rush going to your head. It had felt the same as the last time you kissed him, like nothing was wrong. You moaned as he deepened the kiss and moved your body over the center consol and onto his lap to have better access. He held you close as you continued to make out with him, not wanting to leave from his hold.

He pulled away and looked at you. “I love you.” His voice was soft.

“I know.” You smiled. Planting another quick kiss on his lips. “Are you going to come back to the party?” You asked him

“No.” He shook his head. “I’m thinking about heading back to my place.”

“We can go back to my place.” You said to him, knowing his home life you didn’t want him going home and you definitely didn’t want him doing it alone.. “Let me just tell my friends I’m leaving.”

He nodded as you got off of his lap and got out of the car. You headed towards your friends who were all together. “Hey, nice of you to show up.” Sarah smiled and hugged you. “How are you doing?”

“I’m good. I actually talked to your brother.” You smiled at her and then looked to your friends who all looked a little concerned. “We’re going back to my place.”

“Oh.” Sarah frowned a little, “Okay. I’ll see you later then.”

“Are you gonna be okay?” Kie asked,

You nodded and smiled. “Yeah. We’re gonna be okay. I know you guys are worried and concerned and I haven’t told you much about anything recently but I need you guys to trust me and understand that I know what I’m doing.”

The all gave you a sympathetic look. “We love you.” Kie said, getting up and giving you a hug. “I know you’re making a good decision.” She whispered in your ear and you hugged her tighter.

“I’ll see you guys soon. And I’ll talk about it when I’m ready.” You waved to your friends and walked away. Hoping that things could be the safe with you are Rafe this time.

[bangtancentricsblog]

part of the Smoke Clouds Series 

{adj.} (of a person or their behavior) unconventional and slightly strange

weird neighbor taehyung x grumpy mc

This is my second ever fic for Taehyung, it’s narrative heavy and comes in at around 2.8k and it’s the most I’ve written in a while! It was inspired by Stanley and Sydney’s relationship in Netflix’s ‘I Am Not Okay with This’. It’s unedited and has recreational drug use, Tae smokes weed, Mc has trouble making friends. Features weed dealer Jungkook, I wish I was as witty as I think I am and maybe this would’ve been funnier please let me know what you think! Let me know if I forgot to mention something.

Taehyung was weird, or maybe he was just a happy guy. Either way he made it his sole purpose to annoy you, well at least that’s what you thought. You’d moved into this neighborhood some two years ago, you hadn’t greeted anyone or even bother to introduce yourself. No, you weren’t the ‘I’m new in town and I made cookies’ kind of neighbor. That was the kind of shit people did when they wanted friends in their neighbors, but not you. No you weren’t that nice and you didn’t in fact care if you were friends with the neighbors. Hell you’d be happy if they never spoke to you, except for the fact that Taehyung had happily walked down the road and introduced himself to you. Again he was weird, long locks just hanging in his face as he smiled the weirdest box smile you’d ever seen. He’d been the one to bake something for you as a welcome gift, he didn’t even bat an eye as you said you didn’t want it. He’d only smiled and turned on his heel once again welcoming you to the neighborhood. It’d taken a moment, hands clutching the pyrex filled with cookies to realize he was sans shoes. He was weird. 

It had taken four months, that's right four of him running up to you whenever he’d see you down the street, mud caked to the soles of his feet as he took the shopping bags from you and carried them the rest of the way for him to worm his way into a friendship. It took him no time at all to ask if you wanted to get high with him, something that you had always turned your nose up at but had agreed bringing the snacks from the convenience store with you. The first time you smoke with him he shotguns it to ease you into it, it’s also the start of when you two casually kiss even if not for the benefit of sharing the high. His lips were soft and he was handsome if you took the time to really look and you did when you were high. Through him you meet his dealer, a boy by the name of Jungkook who lives a block from the convenience store you frequent when you're high. Taehyung takes to holding you around the waist when your mind is cloudy from the weed giggles slipping past usually cemented lips. He tells you that you smile more after you’ve smoked, a scowl settling on your lips while you’re still sober. It isn't something you like to think about especially since he’s just your friend. 

He was always smiling you note, even when you would angrily rant about how stupid he was for not wearing shoes when he got sick. He’d choked on his laugh, coughing as he told you how much he loved the feel of nature through his toes. You go to parties together, the people you meet are nice enough but none of them like you. Except for Jungkook with his bambi eyes and bunny smile who takes to holding your hand and dragging you around when Taehyung is busy with other people. You’re not jealous, because why would you be? You aren't his girlfriend and he has more friends than just you, he shouldn't have to sacrifice his fun to make sure you're enjoying yourself. Jungkook asks you if you want to smoke with him and you say yes, you’re taking a slow drag from the blunt when another person comes up and asks for a hit. You hand it over narrowing your eyes at the girl who’s standing beside you, she’s pretty dark head of hair shining in the moonlight her eyes twinkling with mirth as she meets your gaze. She introduces herself as Lisa, a friend of Jungkooks and you smile softly, she's nice enough she makes you laugh but you don’t see yourself becoming her friend. 

He’s wearing shoes the day he asks you why you hate people. He doesn’t ask to be mean and you don’t think he really cares all that much, he’s just curious. You’re brows furrow lips pressed in a firm line, quite honestly you don't want to tell him why. He doesn’t need to know and it’s been almost 8 months of your friendship so you don't want to see him change because of you. So you don't say anything and instead change the topic to Jungkook who you saw at the convenience store buying a large slushie and scowling at the microwave. He doesn’t ask again just laughs as he tells you how the other boy has been feuding with the thing since he was a kid. He shares some of his own childhood stories and they’re funny so you laugh but there’s no real humor to it. You two smoke later that day making out as you’re perched in his lap. The fuzziness of your brain lulling any of the thoughts that has managed to surface from your earlier conversation. 

You’ve been ‘friends’ nearly a year when you hurt his feelings. He didn't push really, never brought up why you hated people again. So you don’t really know why you reacted the way you did, he’d been standing in his yard (sans shoes but that was normal now) hands tucked into his pockets as Lisa giggled up at him. He smiled down at her that soft dopey smile he wore whenever he was higher than a kite. The one you had thought was reserved only for you, but maybe he was just that kind of guy. Sure you kissed and smoked together but nothing else has happened. He didn't call you his girlfriend and you didn't call him your boyfriend, you went to parties together sure but nothing happened. It was a stagnant, comfortable place, one that you had happily kept near and dear. One that you didn't think would ever be something you’d have to give up. You see him turn smile so wide as he catches sight of you and leaves Lisa to come join you down the road. You’ve come from the doctors today, and even though he doesn't know it's hard to not want to be mean to him. 

You hadn’t meant it, the words that had come from you burned like acid on your tongue. The look of utter hurt that crossed his features as you spat the nastiest things at him made you want to crumble. You’d managed to take all the things you liked about him and twist them into the most horrible things you could possibly think of. His smile had fallen eyes shining with tears as he looked at his feet suddenly shy and then nodded his head once before bolting away from you. Lisa had scowled at you as she walked past, shoulder checking you and calling you an asshole. You couldn’t have agreed more, so you continued your walk to your house mind rampant with thoughts of a weird boy with a box smile. 

It's been almost a month since you’ve last spoken to Taehyung, not that you would want to either if you were in his position. He avoids you as best as he can, you’ve seen him just up the road when you come from a late night walk to the convenience store. He looks tired, not much like himself, or at least the version of himself you know. You don’t go out much anymore either, Jungkook glares at you when he sees you and you understand. It’s not much but Jungkook was the only person that you actually liked and considered a friend besides Taehyung. It's considerably harder to get through the day, especially when you used to spend it smoking with Taehyung and Jungkook won't sell you any weed now that he also isn't speaking to you. All in all you miss your friends, the ones you made here in this new town that was supposed to be a new start. The sun is shining through the blinds in your living room as you lay on the couch the tv on but nothing catches your attention. The newest season of Castlevania plays and it's one of Netflix’s best animated shows yet, or at least to you it was. You had planned to watch it with Taehyung since you both shared an open admiration for Richard Armitage and his role as Trevor Belmont. You’re on episode eight which means you spent the entire time staring blankly at the screen none of what has happened enough to distract you from how badly you had fucked everything up. 

The pyrex from all those months ago sat on your kitchen table empty and clean ready to be returned but seemingly forgotten. You missed him, missed his dopey smile, his deep chuckle, the soft way he kissed you, the slow drawl to his voice when he was higher than a fucking kite. You missed Taehyung and you wanted to go back to how it was before you had burned down that bridge of friendship and maybe something else. You rose slowly, ass now firmly planted on the couch cushion as your hands rubbed at your jean clad legs. It took you a couple of minutes, well more like a few months but you’d come to a shocking conclusion. Taehyung, the same guy who almost never wore shoes, the one who smoked as much as he laughed. Taehyung whose boxy smile was the highlight of your day, who held you tenderly and kissed you softly. Taehyung who had introduced you to Jungkook, who loved animals and drank too much coke. Taehyung who you had been rude to upon introduction, but had baked you cookies anyways was quite possibly the best thing to happen to you your entire life, and you now had come to realize you were completely in love with. The same Taehyung who probably hated you, the one who you made cry and all because you had seen him smile at someone else. God you were the worst, you wanted to cry just thinking about all the mean things you had said. Maybe you could make it up to him somehow, maybe you could bake him something and show him how sorry you are and how much you miss him. 

Two hours later you’re pulling a less than appealing cake from your oven. It seemed simple enough on the box, so why the hell does it look like this. It's at this very moment that you realize that you are a terrible baker, and an even worse human.

“Oh god what the fuck.” you mutter hands on the counter as you wonder if he’ll like it. You suck it up and hope for the best, the worst that can happen is you fuck it up and he tell you he never wants to see you again. Guys like big gestures, right? To be honest you’re not entirely sure but you hope he does. You’re nervous as you wipe your hands on your jeans and make your way down the road to his house. Halfway there you stop turning back only to keep moving towards his house, its nerve wracking. Never had you had feelings like this for someone and never had you fucked up this bad. You’re standing in front of his door the paint looking just as it had almost a month ago. Except here and now he’s not standing there smiling down at you and inviting you in for your daily smoke session. It feels like forever just standing here now that you managed to sift through your thoughts and came to the conclusion that you had feelings for him. Yet you know nothing will change if you don't gather enough strength to make your limbs move and knock. 

A sound comes making your eyes grow wide as you realize that you’ve just knocked and are currently still knocking on his door. All the blood rushes from your face when you realize maybe now isn't the best time to try and reconcile with him. The sun is setting quickly and you haven't had enough time to prepare what you want to say to him. Your heart beats in your chest hard enough that you hope it bruises something, maybe then you’ll have time to thoroughly think this through. You’re ready to book it hands gripping tightly onto the pyrex container to make sure it doesn’t fall and break as you run for it, only you can’t run because the door opens. The light is low with Frank Sinatra floating softly through the air, your eyes are wide as they take in Taehyung. He's not smiling for one but his hair is longer curling at the ends and hanging in his face. He's wearing a black button up tucked into a very tight very appealing pair of black jeans, the top two buttons of his shirt are undone flashing that bit of caramel skin you loved seeing. 

He’s dressed like he went into the office today whereas he usually works from home and suddenly you feel all the more ready to flee. Though you see a glimmer of curiosity flicker through his gaze and that's what keeps you planted where you are. He quirks a brow and it's now that you notice the two of you have been standing awkwardly staring at one another. You clear your throat first before you thrust the pyrex container towards him and ducking your head. 

“I made this for you.” you breath the words so quietly you aren’t sure he even heard you. The container leaves your hands and you hear the lid come off followed by a distressed sound. You’ve taken to gnawing on your lip as you try to formulate other words. 

“What is this exactly?” 

“Devil's food cake, sorry if it tastes like shit its from a box.” 

“Oh,” he says sounding mildly confused and maybe because the half charred half undercooked treat is terrible. You still cant comprehend how the hell you managed to fuck it up like that “wow you are so bad at this.”and you perk up slightly because you can just barely make out a sliver of mirth in his tone. 

“I, I wanted to um, I uh, well…”you sputter trying your hardest to form a proper sentence. Though you notice you sound more like a bumbling babbling baboon. You meet his stare hoping that he knows, that he can tell what you’re trying to say. He has beautiful eyes you note, still trying to make your feelings known. He just waits patiently a small smile lining his lips the longer you stand trying to come up with the words to tell him. He watches as you gesture with your hands, opening and closing your mouth multiple times as your features slowly grow more and more frustrated. You’re huffing now scowl growing the longer you take to form words that will hopefully get your feelings across. Nothing comes, and you’re just about ready to cry and leave. Tears shine in your eyes blurring your vision a sob crawling its way up your throat in an attempt to flee. It doesn’t come however as Taehyung's warm palms cup your cheeks thumbs swiping just under your eyes and catching the tears that clung to your lashes. The pyrex container is out of sight as he leans forward pressing his lips to yours in a kiss. 

It's soft, softer than when you first kissed and softer than all the others after that. He slants his lips slightly kissing you with just the press of your lips and nothing more. It frees the butterflies in your tummy, and your hands come up to grasp onto his belt loops. Anything really that will reassure you that this is real, that he is here and he is real. He pulls away eyes meeting yours once more, “I’m sorry,” you say and he smiles pressing his forehead to yours “i didn't mean any of what i said. I want you to know that.” 

“I know, and it's okay.”

“It's not, I’m sorry. I never want to hurt you like that.” you whisper now tears filling your eyes again. 

“I know, and i already forgave you.”

“I like you.” you blurt wishing you had waited. His eyes crinkle as his box smile kisses his lips, he pulls away hand turned up in an offering for you to take. 

“Do you want to come in and smoke?” You take his hand nodding and walking in behind him. Your perched on his lap two hours later arms wrapped around his neck mind blissfully fuzzy from the weed. His lips are soft, and he’s just as beautiful as you remember, his arms are around your waist holding you close as you take your time kissing him. He groans every now and then when you take to nipping at the skin of his neck, eyes hazy with that far away he gets. You’ve pulled away from his neck taking in a blooming blemish that’ll be vibrant come morning when he says, “I like you too.” mouth already quirked in a smirk when he sees your eyes shine as you pull him into another kiss that's too much tongue and teeth but perfect.

✧✧✧✧✧✧

taglist:

 @boymeetsweevil look I did something and even if it’s unedited I really like it!

[lonestarbabe]

Holding Out For a Hero

Chapter 4: I’m Fine (AO3)

Marjan is worried about T.K. and enlists the help of Carlos to make sure T.K. is okay. Things heat up between T.K. and Carlos... but in an angry way... for now. Carlos learns more about T.K. while T.K. starts to think that Carlos may actually care.

T.K.

It was a Wednesday, but T.K. didn’t know which one. He only knew that the pool cleaner had been outside earlier. The pool cleaner came on Wednesdays, so it had to be Wednesday. He was almost positive it was March but coming up with the month took a few seconds too long as alcohol and Oxy muted his mind. “Maybe you should slow down a little,” Marjan suggested, looking at T.K. with her usual disapproving look. If T.K. knew she’d planned on coming over, he would have saved the drugs and alcohol for later in the evening. Marjan didn’t consume either, and while she didn’t mind being around people who were drinking or maybe even smoking some weed, she wasn’t shy about telling him why he should avoid those things. She thinks I’m an addict, but I’m just having fun. As much fun as a miserable person can have, at least.

“Don’t be a kill joy Marjan.” She always wants to spoil my fun. Some best friend she is. I don’t need her to look after me, no matter what she thinks. Between her, Judd, and the new bodyguard, I’ll never get a moment to myself.

“Slow down,” Marjan told him again, pulling the bottle of vodka from his hand and putting it out of his reach. “I know you already had pills, and you shouldn’t be mixing that crap together.”

“Okay, Doctor Marwani.”

“I’m a first responder. I know a thing or two about these things, but of course, teen heartthrob T.K. Strand doesn’t like to listen to rules. It’s not cute to be a bad boy anymore.” She sounded annoyed, but her eyes were terrified. Look what I do to everyone around me. I put them through shit, and I act like an asshole, even though I’d give them literally anything they asked.

“You’re such a rule follower. Are all firefighters as boring as you?” T.K. lamented. “You can’t get anywhere if you go slow. Did Michael Phelps ever slow down?” T.K. added, grabbing a new bottle and watching amber liquid fill his glass. He took the shot of tequila just to prove a point. Stings more than vodka, and I kind of like it.

“No, he didn’t, and now you see him sitting in an empty pool in those Better Help commercials. Do you want that to be you?” Yeah, sitting in an empty pool might be pretty fun, but you can’t drown in it. Unless you find something other than water to drown yourself in. Wouldn’t it be funny to drown at the bottom of an empty pool?

“That’s because he stopped swimming. He let his feelings catch up with him. If you don’t ever stop, nothing can ever catch up to you. That’s why I gotta keep going.”

“Everyone has to stop eventually, T.K. People get old and slow. They can’t win races forever. You just better hope that you’re the one who makes that decision and that it isn’t the universe that steps in and slows you down.”

“Give me too much time to stop and think, and I’ll go crazy. There’s nothing that you, Judd, or any hot bodyguard can do about it.”

���Hot bodyguard? Don’t tell me it’s another Mr. Clean.” Oh, yes, the Mr. Cleans. So many bodyguards he’d had were bald and had an uncanny resemblance to Mr. Clean. He figured Judd just thought those guys looked responsible. Mr. Cleans were attractive, sometimes, but in a one-night stand kind of way. Let ‘em use you and then clean you away with their magic erasers.

T.K. shook his head. “This one isn’t just hot in an ironic way. He’s an ex-cop.” T.K. had done a quick— two-hour— internet search into Carlos. Carlos kept a pretty low profile, but T.K. had learned enough about him to guess how he ticked. He also knew that he had an ex-boyfriend, so he at least liked men.

“And you say that you don’t have a type.”

“He’s an ex-cop.”

“Still. Once a cop, always a cop.”

“I don’t care what he was or what he is. I’m just saying he’s hot. He hates fun just like you, but he’s hot.”

“Don’t harass him, Tyler Kennedy.”

“Don’t call me Tyler Kennedy, Marjan Marwani.”

“Marwani isn’t even my middle name.”

He stuck his tongue out at her. “Whatever. It’s not like I’m going to seduce him, anyway. I don’t do the chasing. People chase me.”

She looked at him like he was full of shit. “I’ve watched you chase plenty of guys. You practically mauled that big one last week.”

“Fucks, not dates. It’s different.”

“Yeah, because all you care about is having fun, I get it. T.K. Strand can never take anything further than a fuck,” she replied sarcastically. She doesn’t believe a single word of my bullshit, and that’s something I love and hate about her.

“I choose not to. Dates don’t like hanging out with party boys.”

“The issue is that party boys refuse to stay sober.”

“I’m sober a lot. Far too much for my liking, actually,” T.K. quipped.

“Yeah, I know. That’s exactly my point. You know, I rescue idiots like you every day. People who think they’re just having fun when they’re not having fun at all. They hate what they’re doing. They’re just being dangerous and stupid for no other reason than having a gap they need to fill.”

“I’m not dangerous. I’m really safe when I take anything. I don’t run heavy machinery when I’m high— not even my can opener. I’m careful, Marjan.”

She laughed. “Yeah that damn automatic can opener Judd got you could decapitate a person if they got their head too close.” Her face returned to concerned. “But don’t distract me with the Strand charm. I’m serious, T.K. I’m not worried about you getting other people hurt. I know you wouldn’t get in a car or endanger other people intentionally, but shit still happens. You’re going to do something to yourself that you can’t take back.”

“Maybe I’ll get a Better Help commercial out of it,” he said with a grin. When I’m washed up and the crowds stop coming to my shows, I’ll be one of those celebrities who has to resort to paid testimonials. I’ll suffer the horrifying ordeal of being known, forgotten, and known again as a relic from a time that had almost been erased from people’s memories. The voice from a song they used to love (or hate).

She punched him in the arm. “If you don’t shut up…” but she couldn’t help the smile that was on her face. “You look at the world so differently than I do.”

“Yeah, that’s for sure. Why are we even friends? I was trying to date a firefighter, not become best friends with his coworker.”

“Bob was forty-five with a wife and kids. You had to know it was never happening” Bob had a great dad bod.

“Why should that have stopped me?”

Marjan crossed her arms. “Your daddy issues are showing.”

“I don’t have daddy issues,” T.K. protested. My dad died a long time ago, and I’m totally over it. It’s not like he left me. He just left and never came back. He hugged me goodbye, went to work, and then just like that, he was gone. It wasn’t fair, but it was nothing he did. He died a hero, and now, there’s no hero left to save me. Not that I need one. I’m fine. Great even. I hate my life, but I’m surrounded by wonderful things. I would be happy if I wasn’t such a dreadful person.

“Your father was a firefighter and you wanted to date a firefighter old enough to be your father. Sounds like daddy issues to me.”

“You don’t get it because you don’t have daddy issues. I wasn’t interested because he was old or a firefighter. It was because he was hot… and looked nothing like my father for your information.”

“I’m just saying you never really dealt with your dad’s death.”

“It’s been two decades! Of course, I dealt with it. Mom made me go to therapy.”

“I’m guessing you didn’t take therapy seriously.”

“It only lasted a couple weeks before I threw a fit and convinced mom it did more harm than good.”

“See, you need to actually address your issues, T.K.”

“When did you get your psychology degree, anyway?”

“First, you tell me I’m not a doctor, and now you tell me I’m not a psychologist. You’re getting very predictable, Teek. And very defensive on top of that.”

“That’s not fair. I can’t say I’m not defensive without being defensive!”

“Sucks to be a loser.” Marjan made it her goal in life to win at everything.

“We all can’t be good at everything like you, Miss Has Gone Viral Eight Times.”

“It was only six, and I don’t think you stop going viral… ever. I always see your annoying face wherever I go— in magazines at grocery stores or billboards. I went on a date once with this girl, and when I went home with her, she had a big poster of you over her bed. Really killed the mood.”

“Any of the guys you dated have a poster of me?”

“One had a bobblehead.”

T.K. cringed. “That’s worse than a poster.”

“How? The poster is a lot bigger. I could shove the bobblehead in a drawer.”

“It’s unofficial merch,” T.K. explained.

“Oh, yes, the dreaded unofficial merch. How will you ever live without your cut of the money? You could have two Porsches by now if only you sold bobbleheads.” He didn’t mention that he could buy more than two Porsches if he wanted because he was sure she already knew that.

“The Barbie doll was nightmare enough. It looked like they glued feathers on my head.”

“I still have that doll. Just for when I need a good laugh.”

Marjan uncrossed her legs and got up to go to the kitchen.  “While I wish I could stay to talk, I have a shift in an hour, so I have to go. The captain doesn’t like my attitude as it is, which means being late would take me from his bad list to his firing list.” She shrugged. “It’s not my fault that I’m allergic to poor leadership.”

“That’s one hell of an allergy, Marj,” he shook his head at her. “If you’re trying to leave, the door isn’t in the kitchen. My mind is a little warped right now, but even I know that.”

Marjan put a water glass next to T.K. “I don’t want you to die. The hangover is probably unavoidable. But hydrate.”

“Why do you have to go? I thought your next shift wasn’t until Friday.”

“It is Friday. Hence why I have to go.” She told him impatiently. “Do you pay attention at all?”

“No, the pool cleaner came today. It’s Wednesday.”

“The pool cleaner comes on Thursdays, T.K. He came yesterday.” He checked his phone and saw that yes, it was Friday. Oof wonder where the time went.

“Fuck. Why does the week need seven days?”

“That’s it. I’m calling Judd.”

“He’s in Texas with Grace. I’m fine, Marwani. Go to work. Billy the Bully isn’t going to wait.” She sighed, looking torn about leaving him, but T.K. wasn’t going to be the reason Marjan got in trouble. Just because I can’t keep my shit together doesn’t mean I should drag everyone down into my miserable life.”

“I’m calling your new bodyguard.”

“No, you’re not.” He didn’t want the only times that Carlos saw him to be when he was indisposed. Carlos probably already hated him, and T.K., as much as he hated bodyguards, did not want to start again with a new bodyguard. If this didn’t work, Judd would probably call in a drill sergeant. Anyone but Carlos.

“I am. Maybe he can come sit with you for a while.”

“No way. You can’t call him on his day off.”

“There aren’t a lot of options right now. If he says no, he says no.” She’s so persistent. She won’t take no for an answer. Not with me, not with Carlos. “He might not be busy. He’s new to town, so he probably hasn’t made a lot of friends yet.”

“I’m not letting a hot guy see me in sweatpants and a hoodie.”

“That’s like your uniform.”

“Yeah, but it’s not for people who haven’t seen the shit show. I don’t want him to think I’m a slob.”

“Oh, so you care about his opinion? Give me his number. You know I won’t leave until you do.” She waited not so patiently for a response. “I guess I could ask Judd. Interrupt his nice trip with his wife, but you won’t make me do that, will you?” Friends are the worst.

“No, do not bother anyone. I’ll give you the number.” He sighed, fumbling for his phone. You’re a real psycho, you know that?” Marjan swiped the phone from his hands before he could even unlock it. She punched in the code. I really need to change that. “He’s listed under—”

“Hot Body Bodyguard, yeah, I got it.” She chuckled. “You’re so obvious.”

“Delete his number from your phone when you’re done.” He didn’t want Marjan talking to Carlos on the regular. That would be a disaster.

“Do you even know me?” Marjan laughed. “I still have Aaron’s number. This one isn’t going anywhere. I may delete Aaron’s though. I think it’s time.”

“Aaron?” He didn’t know who the hell that was. Was he somebody I slept with? One of Marjan’s exes?

“Mr. Clean #3.” Oh, him. He wasn’t so bad, but not at all personable. Hated the very idea of fun. Treated me like a toddler. Slightly attractive.

“Don’t remind me. He was awful.” T.K. groaned. He flipped his hand in the air to wave her away. “Go to work already.”

“Yeah, okay.” She finished up a couple of texts and stuck her phone in her purse. “I’ll see you later. Probably tomorrow, so don’t get drunk before five. No drugs either. I want you clear headed. I have boy issues to talk about.”

“I don’t get wasted every night, but okay. Cannot wait for your boy issues.”

Marjan smiled. “Good.” Before heading out the door, she turned to give him one last look. “Seriously, dude, be careful. I’d be really pissed if something happened to you.” Marjan always started throwing in “dude” when her emotions were getting the best of her.

“You’re the one who dives into fires for a living.”

“Yeah, but I do it with equipment. You dive into fires just to see if they’ll burn you.” She doesn’t understand that sometimes the burn feels better the numbness.

Carlos

Carlos’ plans were interrupted by a series of three pings on his phone. He picked his phone up, immediately having a bad feeling when he saw an unknown number. He was used to calls from unfamiliar numbers, but texts were rarer.

You need to get to T.K.’s house.

This is Marjan by the way. Marjan Marwani.

I’m T.K.’s best friend (reluctantly).

As he read the messages, Carlos stood from his couch, beginning to pace across his floor as his brows scrunched in consternation. This was not how he saw his day off going. T.K. better not be dead. I’m not going to lose that idiot if I can help it. I told Judd I’d protect him, and I don’t plan on backing down on my promise no matter how irritating T.K. can be.

What? Why? Is something wrong?

Carlos had just settled in from going to the store and was about to call his mom before cracking open a beer and watching TV. He was a worrier, so he couldn’t help thinking that something truly awful had happened. It can’t be that bad if T.K.’s friend is making jokes, Carlos reassured himself, but the chance that things might not be okay twisted Carlos’ stomach. I’m not going to let some bratty popstar ruin my evening. He’s probably just drunk and looking to do something stupid. I don’t need to deal with this.

Is it an emergency?

I’m not on duty, so I can’t just go over there if he doesn’t want me to.

Carlos had a bad feeling that his curiosity and worry would get the best of him, and he’d end up at T.K.’s mansion that was far too large for just one person. T.K. was difficult, but there was also something infectious about him. You couldn’t help but root for him or worry that he might not be okay.

He’s drunk and high. He shouldn’t be alone.

Please, just stay with him. He hates being alone.

I would but my boss is an asshole.

Please. Judd is away, and there’s no one else to call. He doesn’t have a lot of real friends.

He doesn’t even like me.

There was a thirty-minute delay before another text came in, and Carlos sat in suspense, worrying about all the things that can happen in thirty minutes.

Sorry. I was going to work. He likes you fine, and even if he didn’t, he’ll let you in because I told him to.

You’ve got blackmail on him or something? I barely know him, but I know T.K. doesn’t like being told what to do.

What you need to know about T.K. is that he doesn’t give a damn about himself, but he’d throw himself in a fire after taking a bath in gasoline to make sure the people he loves aren’t hurt.

Well, damn, he couldn’t argue that. Couldn’t say no to someone who clearly loved her friend so much. Couldn’t say no to T.K.

It would send the wrong message to spend his time off with T.K., but he hated the thought of T.K. overdosing or going out to find assholes to hang out with. He hated the thought of T.K. hooking up with some man who would take advantage of him. T.K. was a pain in the ass, but he was also a national treasure. Fangirls would never forgive Carlos if he let something happen to T.K. (He would never forgive himself.) This job is getting too messy. For whatever reason, I’m already too far in. Captivated by those green eyes and that lopsided smiled. I need distance because T.K. Strand is doing his best not to stay alive, and getting too close will set me up for a world or hurt.

He sighed, grabbing his keys from the hook by his door and heading out to his car. He sent Marjan a quick text.

Fine, I’m going over.

Good. I have to go. My bad boss is calling.

Keep him safe.

Carlos wasn’t sure if that last part was a best friend’s threat or a desperate plea, but either way, he didn’t want to screw this assignment up. I’ll keep him safe. But he couldn’t make promises because he couldn’t save T.K. from himself no matter how much he wanted to.

I’ll do my best.

Putting his car into gear, Carlos back out and zoomed down the highway until he got to a mansion set apart from the other houses. He wouldn’t admit to anyone how much over the speed limit he had gone. If he’d had sirens, he would have used them. Fuck T.K. for being such an endearing jackass.

He entered the code at the gate and haphazardly parked his car in the first place he could find. It wasn’t like him to be so impulsive. He liked order and control, and any lack of those things made him antsy, but he didn’t even notice that his car was 1 inch into the grass. He rushed up to the door, thoughts of T.K. being hurt or dead rising into a heart-pounding climax. What if I’m too late? What if I was too slow? What if I’m powerless to save him? What if I fail at this job?

The tension dropped from Carlos’ shoulders as he heard the deadbolt click open and saw T.K.’s head when the door swung open and Carlos was instantly relieved to see that T.K. wasn’t unconscious on the floor. In fact, T.K. mostly seemed fine.

T.K. gave a long, exaggerated sigh, and Carlos felt his breath momentarily constrict again. He looked good. Anyone with eyes could see that, but Carlos had self-control. He didn’t act like an animal just because he spotted a pretty person. He’s a ten, but he’s also off limits. He’s narcissistic and obnoxious. Maybe a little sweet, but he’s not good for me. He’s danger, and I had enough of that when I was a cop. I flew too close too the sun, but this guy, he’s flying in the center of the sun.

For someone who was supposedly in danger, T.K. looked like he had complete command over his situation. He wore a hot pink and baby blue striped button down with black skinny jeans that hugged his lean legs in ways Carlos didn’t allow himself to think about too much. He averted his eyes, being sure to look at T.K.’s face, which was just as overwhelming. Carlos noticed T.K.’s eyes were bloodshot with deep bags underneath. A person can hide under clothes, but the eyes, those emerald eyes, always tell the truth.

T.K. looked markedly too nice for a night in, looking and smelling like he was about to go on a date. Freshly misted cologne hitting Carlos’ nose— vanilla, cinnamon, and sandalwood. There was an underlying bitterness to his scent—cloves— but it was just enough to offset what would be otherwise cloying. “Are you okay?” Carlos finally asked.

“Yeah, but I have a little alcohol and Marjan thinks I’ve gone off the deep end.” That’s a can of worms that I am not even going to begin to unpack. “I’m obviously fine.”

“Fine or not, I’m here now. Might be nice to have a little company.” The more Carlos looked at T.K., the less fine he seemed to be. He didn’t seem as outwardly wasted as when they first met, but T.K.’s uncontrollable smile and aimless eyes told Carlos all he needed to know. The blissed-out look was chillingly familiar to him, so much so that he had the instinct to get in his car and speed away, but his sense of duty was too strong, and even as his past chased him, Carlos couldn’t look away from T.K. Maybe things can be different than they were with Taylor. Maybe not, but how can I in good conscience give up before I try? “I’m here,” Carlos reiterated. And I’m not going anywhere.

“I see that.” T.K. gave him a once over, licking his lips. “And you look very good doing it.” He’s just a flirt. I can’t let it get to my head. I have to protect him. Not fuck him. T.K.’s words were dripping with forced pleasantness, and Carlos couldn’t quite figure out what T.K. was really feeling beyond the happy highness. Silence fell between them.

T.K. bit his lip, looking down a little. The mood shifted. “I know you don’t want to be here. Don’t worry, Judd will pay you for your babysitting.” Carlos wanted to argue that he wasn’t here for the money or insist that he did care, but the air between him and T.K. had turned so suddenly sour that words swirled in his head with nothing to ground them into cohesive sentences. The smell of cloves was trapped in his nose and he tried to search for the vanilla and cinnamon, warm and pleasantly biting. “I’m sure Marjan will report back to him when he gets back from his trip. He’ll fret over me because it would be such a shame if I died and couldn’t make him any more money.” T.K. cracked a mechanical grin that clashed with the bitter tone in his voice. “He’d probably be relieved not to have me bothering him.” He’s got it all wrong, but I can’t tell him that. I barely even know him.

Carlos wanted to shake T.K. and tell him that Judd would be devastated if something happened to him, but he knew if he was too sincere, T.K. would retreat into the safety of humor and lightheartedness. He would become the happy and carefree T.K. that substances created to hide the sorrow. I have to learn to roll with his jokes and self-deprecation, even hearing it horrifies me. “I’ve heard that posthumous sales aren’t half bad. The initial spike… might be something to consider,” Carlos replied wryly. When there was more silence, Carlos wondered if he’d made a fatal misstep. Maybe I don’t have as good of a grasp on the situation as I thought. What if I’m losing him?

A flash of shock came over T.K.’s face before his lips upturned slightly and his head tilted to the side with curiosity. “You really busting my balls right now?”

Carlos kept the impassive look on his face, forcing his lips not to turn up. “I suppose I am.”

T.K. shook his head, the dark cloud lifting from his features just a little. Back to carefree T.K., and Carlos wasn’t sure if it was for the best or the worse. I can’t tell if he’s genuinely happy. “I can’t believe that of all the bodyguards in the bodyguard factory, you’re the one they sent me.” Back to joking, the cold tone dissipated in the early evening air.

“And I can’t believe that of all the popstars in the popstar factory, you’re the one I got sent to,” Carlos countered. He could keep up with banter if he needed to. He could even throw in some harmless flirting if it helped get through to T.K., but he couldn’t cross any lines beyond that. I know all about how crossing one line can lead to crossing more. I need boundaries if this is going to work. I must be careful for T.K.’s sake and mine.

“Rockstar,” T.K. corrected.

“You don’t sing rock music, popstar,” Carlos reminded him.

“It’s a—”

“State of mind. I know. Now, are you going to let me in? Or do I have to stand out here all evening fighting with you about the definition of a rockstar?”

T.K.’s head tilted again, this time in thought. “I don’t think I have much of a choice. Marjan will kill me if I make you stand on the porch,” T.K. answered, opening the door wider and leading Carlos into the living room. The stench of alcohol immediately hit Carlos’ nose and bottles were sprawled on a chair.

“That’s a lot of bottles,” Carlos commented.

“Some of them are old.” Some, not all. Not even most. Some. “It’s funny because sometimes when it’s dark, there’s so many of them there that it almost looks like a person sitting in the chair. I’ve gotten startled a couple times by it. Sometimes, though, it’s nice not to feel alone.” The honesty of the words struck Carlos. He’s got so many demons I haven’t even seen yet. He opened his mouth but quickly closed it again in the absence of having a meaningful response.  T.K. caught on to what he had said and backtracked. “I didn’t mean that seriously, you know. It was just a joke. I mean, there’s always people around me. Celebrities can’t escape people. I’m not really lonely.” The only people who feel the need to insist they are not lonely are the ones who are, in fact, lonely.

Carlos forced a laugh. “Right, a joke. You tell a lot of those.”

“Maybe. It’s more fun that way. I’m really funny when I’m not sober, so funny that people think I’m serious. It makes me a man of mystery I guess.” Oh yes, a mystery I’m afraid to investigate but desperate to know.

“Speaking of not sober, how much alcohol did you have?” He wanted a grasp on how bad the situation was.

“I’m fine.” Carlos had been a cop. He was used to dodgy answers, but they still frustrated the hell out of him. He’s testing me. Trying to see if he can make me mad. I won’t let him. I have to be patient and keep my temper in check.

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“Fewer than all the bottles on that chair.” T.K. added, “A lot fewer. I’m not trying to die tonight.” Tonight, that’s what I’m worried about. What about the other nights?

“How much?” Carlos asked with his no nonsense cop voice. It’s been a while since I’ve used that.

T.K. looked unimpressed at the question. “Several shots. I didn’t even have a full bottle of tequila. But shots are just bad if you only do one, so you have to keep going until you feel something. By the time the first one kicks in, you realize that the rest will be by shortly to hit you with a fucking hammer.” Carlos fought the headache that T.K.’s drunken logic was creating. He rubbed a hand across his temple, wiping the sweat and stress from his brow. He forced his facial features to relax. I need to keep those emotions in their place or else I won’t be able to understand what he’s saying. I have to listen.

“Pills?”

T.K. shrugged, looking at his hands cagily, which gave Carlos a pretty good idea of what he was dealing with. An addict who will try getting high on pretty much anything.

“T.K., I need to know.” He wasn’t quite sure what he’d do with the information, but it seemed like something he should know in case anything happened.

T.K.’s voice was quiet, and Carlos barely heard it over the murmuring of the central air working hard to cool the huge house. “Some Oxy. My favorite.” Carlos would put that piece of information into the T.K. file that he was compiling in his head, all the things that might come in handy someday when the inevitably awful stuff happened.

Yawning, T.K. plopped down onto the couch, and Carlos went to the kitchen and grabbed a recycling bin. He began loading the empty bottles into it. “You don’t have to do that,” T.K. protested. “It’s not your job.”

“I know, but it doesn’t help you to keep these here,” and to be honest, they were driving Carlos a little crazy.

“Why are you so nice?” It sounded like an accusation, skeptical and angry.

“I’m not.” I’m just bad at sitting around helplessly. I need something to keep me busy, and I hate looking at all those bottles and seeing him like this. “I like to keep my hands busy.”

T.K. winked, a sloppy wink. “I can think of a better use for those hands.” Oh, no. He did not just go there.

Carlos panicked. His jaw clenching. “Do not do that.”

“Do what?” T.K. asked as if he was completely innocent.

“Hit on me.”

“You weren’t supposed to be so hot.” Shut him up. Shut him up!

“I’m not hot. I’m just a guy, okay? Just a normal guy.”

“Normal, yeah, okay. Did you know that I’m really good with my mouth? I mean more than singing and stuff. I put enough junk in it to know how to use it.” T.K.’s eyes filled with hunger. He’s not thinking clearly. He doesn’t actually want me. He’s just horny. Carlos felt like putting his fingers in his ears and screaming “la, la, la, la, la.”

“Stop it. You’re not thinking clearly.”

“But if it was sober? Would you be interested?” He’s so desperate to be wanted. He doesn’t even care who wants him.

“It would still be a no.”

“Why? Aren’t I attractive?” Oh yes, far too attractive for your own good.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m your bodyguard. I can’t be blurring those lines.”

T.K. raised his eyebrows. “The more you know my body, the better you can guard it.”

“I said no. You can respect that, can’t you?” Carlos’ voice was agitated. His anger radiated through the room and spread to T.K.

“I don’t force anything on anyone,” T.K.’s voice was sharp. “I wouldn’t want to fuck someone with a stick up his ass anyways.”

“You don’t get to be an asshole just because things don’t go your way. Maybe try facing your feelings instead of getting mad and acting like a diva when any semblance of a bad feeling enters your mind.” So much for containing my temper.

“Wow, Mr. Nice Guy does have a backbone, after all.”

“I know what you’re doing.”

“Being an asshole?”

“You’re trying to see how many buttons you can push before I get up, leave, and never come back.”

T.K.’s face fell. “Why does everyone think they have fucking psychology degrees?”

“What?” What in the world is he talking about?

T.K. didn’t explain. “You don’t have to stay. I don’t care either way. I’m happy enough alone. Just leave me alone.”

“I don’t have to leave.” He took a breath. It’d been a long time since he had tried to handle someone so self-defeating and so scared to let anyone get too close. “I don’t want to leave.” Part of him wanted to run for the hills and stop the attachment he was feeling for T.K. Like T.K., Carlos was scared of letting anyone get too close. He was scared of knowing people too well, which was why he’d planned on spending his Friday alone. But I don’t want to be alone.

“You should want to leave.”

“But I don’t want to.” If only I could get it through his thick skull that some people just want him around. They don’t care if he is a singer or famous or a party boy. They just want to have him. Judd, Marjan, even me. We want him to be the person he’s happiest being and not this person who can’t stand to look himself in the mirror or the person who never shows the real him because he’s afraid no one will like it.

“What made you so stubborn?” T.K. paused to think. “Or should I say who?” Don’t think about Taylor. Now’s not the time. No need to make unnecessary comparisons.

Carlos crossed his arms as if it would help him keep all the feelings rushing through his body contained. “I was born a week late and put my mom through eight hours of labor. I was born stubborn.”

“Yeah, well, I was born a good person. Now, I’m a piece of shit, so how we come into this world doesn’t have much to do with how we go out.” Hopefully, we won’t be going out any time soon. Hopefully, he doesn’t want to.

“What do you like most about yourself?” Carlos asked, and it felt abrupt, but he had wanted to catch T.K. off guard.

“Why does it matter?” T.K. was already defensive, and the question made him more resistant.

“No questions, just tell me.”

“Oh, bossy. I like it,” T.K. said more biting than flirty.

“Favorite part of yourself?” Carlos pushed.

T.K. was quiet for a few moments. His tone softened. “Hard choice there’s so much to like,” he tried to act confident, but Carlos could hear his voice cracking. “but I guess the thing people like most about me is that I’m fun, the life of the party.” Is that all he’s got?

“Why is it that you love to talk about yourself until I actually ask you to tell me something about yourself and then all you can talk about is what other people think.”

“Here’s the thing, Carlos. Contrary to popular opinion, I’m not that interesting. I’m not that deep either. I’m just a vapid popstar who people like to think they know.” It sounded like defeat, and Carlos didn’t think the word popstar could ever sound so sad.

“You know what,” Carlos concluded. “Maybe you’re a rockstar after all.” T.K. looked up from his hands, eyes looking hopeful. Then, to make it sound less serious Carlos added, “Rockstar is a state of mind, after all.”

T.K. grinned at the inside joke, perking up a bit and letting a tentative grin appear on his face. “But I do play pop music,” he said. “So, maybe I’d rather be a popstar.” His eyes lingered on Carlos, “That stays between us, though.”

“Okay, popstar,” Carlos said clapping T.K. on the shoulder, and T.K.’s eyes flickered with something Carlos couldn’t quite make out. There’s so much to learn about T.K. Strand, so much that even his most devoted fans have even discovered. There’s a good person in there beneath all the layers of bravado. You don’t even have to dig that far to find them, but I want to bring that person out. I want to show him that there’s a place for the T.K. who can be happy.

[davieslandon]

DISCORD THREAD || KHAI & LANDON

Discord thread featuring: @malakhai-ozera & Landon

When: September 22nd

Mentions: @aaronhart93 @alison-haynes @romanbeckett @dammitdorian

Description: Landon and Khai meet up for lunch. 

Trigger Warnings: feels

Khai.

It seemed like Khai had been going non stop all weekend and he really just needed a minute to slow down and relax. After getting drunk at the party, flying to London, and having a bit of a struggle with hard drugs. He felt like seeing Landons face was just what he needed to feel a sense of calmness. Sure things were still a bit weird between them, but  Khai’s feelings hadn’t changed in the slightest. He loved being with Landon, and he always felt safe with him. Like he could really just let go and be himself, even with the slight awkwardness. They had agreed to meet up at dreamers diner and Khai was waiting in a booth toward the back of the establishment. He wasn’t really sure if Landon wanted anyone to see them together, so he thought this placement might be best. He just hoped that Landon would spot him there, and luckily the place wasn’t too packed. He chewed nervously on his bottom lip once he saw Landon walked through the door and stood up to greet him as he made his way over. “Hey, babe” he smiled. Pulling the other male in for a hug as he breathed in his sent and hummed softly.

LANDON

Things were still a little awkward between him and Khai but their conversation at the party helped them get some things out of the way. Did he still feel some kind of way for the other? Of course, feelings and emotions didn’t just disappear overnight but he still believed that he made the right choice. They both had too much baggage they needed to deal with before they could try anything between them. That didn’t mean he didn’t want Khai in his life and so was more than happy to meet up with him for lunch during his work break. When he got to Dreamer’s Diner, it took him a while to notice Khai all the way at the back but once he did, he made his way to him and happily hugged him back. “Hey love”, he smiled and took a seat when they broke away. “How did London treat you?”

Khai.

Baggage or no baggage, Khai strongly felt that Landon was the one for him. Did Dorian say all the right things? Yeah, of course he did. There was no doubt about that at all. But that still didn’t change the fact that Khai had been falling for Landon over and over for months now. The connection between them only growing stronger the minute Landon let down his walls and allowed him into his bed. It didn’t matter that Landon wanted space, or that he might not think they belonged together. The only think that matter to Khai was that he didn’t feel this way for anyone else. It was almost as if Landon had put some sort of love spell on him, and no matter what he did he couldn’t break it. Landon always put up quite the fight against him though, even making him wait months before letting anything push even slightly past friendship. It made Khai feel like this wasn’t just about sex, or forbidden desires. It was about something more, something he couldn’t quite seem to put into words, and God did he crave it. Just hugging Landon made his stomach do tiny flips while his heart pounded wildly out of control. It was almost way too obvious how the world would just stop spinning as Khai looked deep into the others eyes. But he tried to keep his composure. If Landon wanted to get over him and move on, he would just have to accept that. He didn’t want to push Landon any more. As badly as he wanted him, this all had to be on Landons terms from here on out, and if that meant he had to wait forever, than so be it. He sat back down across from the other male and he pushed his hair back from his face. “It was trying” he said honestly. “I kinda figured it would be though. Hanging out with a pretty well known band that likes to do hard drugs and drink themselves sober, it was a bit of a struggle.” He shrugged nonchalantly  and licked his lips as he reached for his menu. “How did the rest of your weekend go? Did you and Elle do anything fun?”

LANDON

When Khaj told him about going to London to shoot a music video, Landon didn’t even think to ask about who he was going there with. Maybe he should have. Suddenly Khai’s text about hard drugs made a lot more sense and he sighed. “So I’m guessing you partook in some hard drugs?” He wasn’t judging but he was a little worried. “My weekend was pretty good. Kind of calm for once which is surprising. Although I did take Elle to the beach on Sunday so I guess that was exciting.”

Khai.

Khai was fidgeting with his menu. His thumb nail digging into the side of his other thumb on his left hand as his eyes gazed over the selections. He didn’t always feel comfortable talking about his struggles. But he knew this was a barrier he had to break down with Landon if he ever expected for them to move forward. The deep conversations had fallen silent between them somewhere along the line, and even though it wasn’t intentional, it did worry him that Landon would just end up seeing him in a negative light. “You know...” he started to reply. His eyes shifting up from his menu to connect with Landons once again as he let out a deep sigh and shook his head. “I really wanted to. It was so tempting, and they were literally everywhere... and God, it was so hard not to, but I didn’t.”  He replied honestly. “I did smoke a lot of weed though. But that’s not really anything new for me” he scoffed. A small smile pulling at his lips as Landon described his weekend. “I bet that was nice. She really loves the beach doesn’t she?” There was always a sense of calming that came with talking about Elle, and a more genuine smile formed across his features.

LANDON

Somewhere along the way, they lost sight of what was truly important in their relationship. They spent a whole weekend together but barely talked about anything important. It was nice to have so much sex that Landon started hurting in places he forgot could hurt but he missed the conversations between them. Maybe this could be their chance to get back to that. He listened to what Khai had to say and could admit, at least to himself, that he was relieved Khai managed to stay away. “I’m really proud of you. You could have given in but you didn’t and that’s amazing Khai”, he smiled. “Oh yeah, Elle adores the beach. We’re not going as much as we did in summer because of school but I try to take her during the weekend before it gets too cold.”

Khai.

Sex definitely was Khai’s strongest love language, and he had to admit it himself, he had definitely taken full advantage of his weekend spent with Landon. He couldn’t help himself though. He wanted Landon to feel desire and to know exactly how much he adored him. But, he had completely lost sight of that bond they once had, and he missed it. He wasn’t sure when he became to scared to say the wrong thing with his friend. But it was nice to just talk about things again. “Thank you, babe. It wasn’t easy that’s for sure. But I just thought about all the things I’ve worked so hard to achieve... and Elle.” He didn’t really elaborate beyond that. But he had come to love Elle so much, and he knew he couldn’t bare the hurt in that little girls eyes if he had done something that stupid. “Yeah, it’s sad it’s getting colder already. Maybe we could take her apple picking, or to the pumpkin patch instead. I heard there’s supposed to be some sort of fall festival going on along the beach as well. I think she’d really enjoy that.” Sure he was talking as if they would be going on sporadic dates. But that was just his heart holding onto that little bit of hope he still had for them. “So... has she sprung her costume idea on you yet? I still think you’d look hot as Peter Pan in those super tight tights” he grinned.

LANDON

Knowing that his daughter influenced Khai to the point that he didn’t do hard drugs because of her warmed his heart. Elle meant everything to him and it never failed to surprise him when he realized others felt the same way for his daughter. It was a nice surprise. Landon was so focused on the start of school and all the challenges that would bring that he didn’t think much about activities they could do once it got colder, especially now that Elle was getting older. “I think she would absolutely love going to the pumpkin patch. We’ve been in previous years but she was younger and I don’t think she really got the point of it but she’s so excited for Halloween this year.” Talk of the Halloween costume made him groan as he knew it was very possible he was going to get stuck in a costume that made him look like a complete idiot. “No way, that’s out of the question. She’s obsessed with frozen like every child her age but she’s also really getting into marvel lately...I’m hoping I can convince her to do something Avengers related.” Landon wasn’t sure if that was a possibility or just wishful thinking but he was at least going to try.

Khai.

It had surprised Khai as well how close he had gotten with Elle. He didn’t really get to spend a lot of time with her, but every time he did, they connected as if he had know her his entire life. He loved kids, and even though he sometimes got annoyed with the loud obnoxiousness. Elle really did make him want to be a better person, much like her daddy did. “Oh yeah, I definitely think she would love it. Getting to run around and pick out her own pumpkin, and then getting to take it home and carve it with you. I’m sure she’ll be over the moon” he smiled. “Plus, the warm apple cider and hay rides. It’s perfect.” His entire face lit as he smiled and he let out a soft chuckle at Landons disapproval. “Aww, but daddy” he fake pouted, just to tease the other male. He couldn’t really blame him for not wanting to look ridiculous. But Khai was thoroughly convinced Landon would look good in just about anything. “Hey you never know. Maybe she will go for it. What little girl doesn’t dream of being the black widow? I mean, come on. How epic would that be?” He smiled up at the waitress as she approached their booth and asked for their drink order. Inevitably ordering a pumpkin spice latte because all this talk of fall and pumpkin patches had him feeling nostalgic.

LANDON

That sounded like the perfect day for Elle and he couldn’t wait to tell her what they had planned. She would be ecstatic, that was for sure. Maybe he could even ask Aaron if he wanted them to take Des as well. He was sure the little girl would enjoy it just as much as his daughter. “I think so too and she dressed up as Elsa last year so I’m trying to go with the reasoning that it wouldn’t make sense to dress up as something from the same movie twice in a row. I’m not sure she’s very convinced but we’ll see. In the end she’ll probably want to dress up as whatever Des will choose so I think I’m wasting my time”, he sighed. Landon ordered himself an Americano and looked at Khai with raised eyebrows. “You’re really trying time embody autumn today aren’t you?”

Khai.

“I mean, there’s always the logic that there is in fact two movies now. But, I’m totally on your side” he grinned. Of course every little girl would rather be Ana or Elsa from frozen over an iconic super chick. But, maybe if Khai helped persuade her Landon would have a better chance. “Yeah, those two are definitely connected at the hip, aren’t they?” he asked with a soft smile. He couldn’t even remember having a best friend like that while growing up, so it was nice to see that she did. He watched as Landon ordered his drink and than chuckled softly at being called out on his choice. “Yeah, I guess you could say that” he shrugged. “Sometimes you just gotta give the heart what it wants.” The words didn’t really have a deeper meaning other than the topic at hand. But his eyes shot he to look into Landons as he realized maybe his choice of words could have been better.

LANDON

“Okay, you might have a point but you’re not telling Elle that because it would completely ruin my argument”, he laughed. He needed to have a little talk with Aaron and Alison at some point to figure out what Des was dressing up as. That way he could better prepare himself for what was to come. “They really are. Aaron and I like to joke that they’re going to end up dating in the future. In the very far future.” Landon noticed the look Khai directed at him and coughed, trying to diffuse the awkwardness that fell onto them once again. He wasn’t stupid and knew that Khai didn’t agree with what he said about them and Landon feared that was always something that was going to come between them and keep them from going back to their easy camaraderie.

Khai.

“Oh no, definitely not. But I don’t really think she needs my reminding anyway” he laughed along with his friend. He knew deep down no matter what either of them said would really affect her decision though. Whatever Des chose, Elle would inevitably choose as well. “Ah, yeah. I mean, it’s a total possibly. Friends date all the time.” God, he really just need to shut his mouth at this point. He really wasn’t trying to make digs. But his words were the truth, and he was specifically talking about Elle at the moment. He only hoped that Landon would see that and not think he was trying to push again. “Sorry, I didn’t mean... I just meant, you know what I meant” he chuckled awkwardly. He lifted up his menu again and held it high enough to block his face. Jesus, would this ever stop? He closed his eyes and deeply sighed quiet. Hoping Landon wouldn’t catch on before he regained his composure. Why couldn’t he just move on already? It would make his life a whole lot easier if he would.

LANDON

Landon could tell that this time Khai really wasn’t trying to imply anything about them and was really only talking about Elle so he just laughed and agreed. He wouldn’t have had the same reaction if he thought Khai was pushing him and not accepting his feelings and decision. “I know, don’t worry about it.” Landon wasn’t sure what to do at this point. Did he speak out about it or just pretend he couldn’t tell and move on? In the end, he just opened his own menu and looked at all the food available to order. If Khai wasn’t going to bring it up then he wasn’t going to either.

Khai.

He looked over his menu for a moment as he breathed in another deep breath. He was glad that Landon knew he was initially talking about Elle. But now there was a huge pink elephant in the room, and Khai had somewhere along the line lost his ability to hide his feelings. He closed his menu and placed it back down onto the table and grabbed his latte that had arrived while they were both awkwardly sitting in silence. His eyes shifting up to look at Landon as he blew on the drink to cool it off. “You know, I’m really sorry about all this. It’s just not that easy for me to just let go.” Maybe he should just keep these thoughts and feelings to himself. But truth was, he couldn’t do it anymore. He wanted to respect Landon, and God he was trying so hard. But he felt how he felt and he couldn’t change that no matter how much Landon wanted him to.

“I guess I just don’t really understand what we’re doing. Yeah, we have baggage, and I did something really fucking stupid. But, my hearts been yours Landon. It’s still yours, and it’s okay if you don’t want it. I’m not trying to cause a scene or fight with you. I just want you to know that I really was trying to love you the best I could. I wanted forever with us, and I thought it could happen. Maybe I was delusional, I don’t know. But I really thought you wanted the same thing. I’m just, I’m really trying here. I don’t even know what I’m doing. But I know I’d rather be upset with you, than ever be without you. The two of us together was never gonna be easy. But it didn’t matter to me, because you, Landon. You’re the only person who I thought could really see me. I don’t know, I’m sorry I’m rambling. I’m just gonna shut up now. I just really wanted you to know this isn’t gonna go away. My feelings for you are real and I don’t know if I’m ever gonna be able to just pretend like they aren’t there. It hurts. This hurts. Us being like this, when I know it could be so much more.” He took a deep shaky breath in trying to hold back his tears. Because he really didn’t wanna make a scene. “Maybe I’m just the one who needs some time. It hurts like hell not to be with you... or Elle. But being this close to you and not being able to touch you. It’s torture, and I just... I can’t.” He cleared his throat and closed his eyes for a moment as he took a few deep breaths. “I’m sorry. I didn’t wanna do this” he said as he opened his glossed over eyes again. “Maybe I should just go.”

LANDON

Landon wasn’t sure what to say. He understood what Khai was saying, it was hard for him too to be around him while almost pretending like their weekend together didn’t happen. This was different than when they kissed. That was an instant which they both agreed wouldn’t happen again but this time...they hooked up and then spent a whole weekend together having sex and spending time with Elle when she wasn’t at a friend’s house. It was harder to ignore and get over. Landon wanted to tell him that he was ready to give him another chance, that they could try again but he knew he’d only be lying to himself. The truth was that he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to believe that things with Dorian were truly over and he still believed that now that whatever was between them was over, Khai was going to go back to him. And if time is what he wanted than Landon could give that to him. He knew what it meant like to feel completely lost and confused and to need some time to think about things. “You know I have feelings for you too but I just...can’t. Not right now. I need to take some time for myself, think about whether this is what I really want and to figure some things out about the past. I thought maybe being friends and going back to what we were before could work but...clearly not. It’s okay if you need time, I understand.” Landon took a sip of his coffee and tried to direct a small smile Khai’s way. “Maybe we should both just go. Try this again some other time when we’ve both had some time to think about it.”

Khai.

It wasn’t like Khai didn’t understand exactly where Landon was coming from. But his words still hurt. He wanted Landon more than he had ever wanted anything, and it was so clear in his eyes that anyone in the diner could see it. “Landon, I just... I know I’m not a good person. I’ve done a lot of things that  I’ll never be able to change or take back. But I need you to hear me. You hear me right?” It was then that the tears he had been holding decided to leak out of his eyes out of his control, and he wiped them away as if trying to hide them. Pressing his lips together and nodding his head instead of continuing his words. Because he knew if he did he would just lose all self control. He just gazed at Landon for a moment, really taking in his features and trying his hardest to smile back at him, but instead he just shrugged. “I don’t need to think about it, Landon. I know what I want, I have for a while now. But it’s okay if you don’t. I just need you to know I really do love you. That’s not just gonna go away, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He shifted his weight a bit to one side as he pulled his wallet from his back pocket. Pulling out a 50 dollar bill and tossing it onto the table. “You should eat something. I don’t want you getting sick because I ruined your lunch break.” He stood up and pushed his wallet back into his pocket and moved a bit closer to Landon. His hand reaching out to rest against Landons cheek as he leaned down to kiss the top of his head. “Thank you. For coming” he said softly as he looked down at him. Pulling his hand from the others cheek as he headed toward the exit.

LANDON

Landon didn’t think Khai was a bad person. Sometimes he was sure that he was the problem here. Everyone had pretty much told him that he couldn’t blame him for going back to Dorian. Maybe it wasn’t even just about that. It was a combination of things that Landon had gone through in his life which led to this moment. And he tried to get over it so many times but he just couldn’t. He kept thinking of Harry asking for a divorce because he couldn’t take staying with someone who couldn’t remember him and Loren falling for Jace while telling him they could try again. He was messed up, Landon could admit that much. When he saw Khai putting the 50 dollar bill on the table he was going to stop him. There was no way Landon would be eating anything after their conversation and it was too much money for two drinks. By the time he figured out what was going on, it was too late. Khai was already leaving and Landon could have called out and stopped him but they clearly both needed a break from each other. So he just watched him go and hoped they could get to the a point where they could talk again like they used to sometime soon.

Khai.

It took everything in Khai not to stop and turn around. This was ripping his heart out, but it was something he needed to do. He might not actually ever be okay with Landon again. But at least the other male knew exactly how he felt and where he stood. This was his last and final attempt. He laid it all out there and it was clear to him now that he just wasn’t ever gonna be good enough. He swallowed hard as he placed his hand onto the door of the diner and pushed it open. Stepping out into the cool air as the wind stung against his teary eyes. God, why was he always so stupid? How could he have ever thought that Landon would actually be into him and give him a real chance? It was all just way too good to be true from the moment it started, and now he had to suffer through the consequences. It wasn’t like he hadn’t gone through a very similar situation with Roman only a few months ago. Waiting around hopelessly for something that would inevitably never happen. He didn’t want to do that again. It hurt way too much to wait around just to get his heart broken all over again, and he was just about pushed to his emotional breaking point. He walked through the parking lot and got into his car, wiping the tears from his eyes as he pulled his phone from his pocket. “Goodbye, Landon” he whispered to himself. Deleting his friends number from his contacts before tossing his phone  into the passengers seat.

[chuffyfan87]

Growing Pains. Part 8a

Cowritten with @disastrousintention. Content warning for illegal drug use.

-x-

Emily looked down at her phone and sighed. It had been a week since she’d returned from her trip to Europe and she had still yet to hear anything from Beth.

She'd texted Beth as she'd promised when she'd gotten home but hadn't heard anything in reply.

Emily had begun skipping meals, not that she told her parents. She was so confused by everything! Did she like girls or boys? Or both..? Everything had been fine before the trip. Now she didn't know what she wanted or who she was...

Across town Peter sighed. He was supposed to be having dinner with Holly but she was running late. He was about to head into the bar when he heard his name being called. The voice was very familiar but it didn't belong to Holly.

Peter turned, his eyes falling upon his ex Sarah. “Hi.”

"Hi Peter, it's been a long time." Sarah chewed at her lip. When she'd first seen him she'd instantly wanted to go over but now he'd turned around she wasn't so sure. Her fingers played nervously with her jacket.

“Yeah it has.” He smiled politely, still expecting all those feelings to hit him. “What are you doing here?”

"I'm meeting some friends. You?"

“Meeting my girlfriend, she’s running late though.”

"Oh... I didn't realise you had a girlfriend..." Sarah replied hesitantly. This was a really bad idea...

“What’s wrong Sarah?”

"I meant to speak to you sooner but, well, I was worried you'd be upset and now, I don't want to ruin things for you with your girlfriend..." She babbled nervously.

He frowned, what was she talking about? “What’s going on?"

She chewed her lip, unable to meet his eye as she let her jacket fall open. "I'm sorry." She mumbled.

Peter’s gaze fell upon her swollen stomach. His eyes widened. “Oh my God, is that what I think it is?”

"Yeh... I... I meant to tell you sooner but every time I picked up the phone I just bottled it and couldn't. I'm sorry."

Peter swallowed hard. “How far gone?”

"Almost five months."

“Fucking hell!” He sat down before he fell down. “I...”

"AJ's walked out on me."

Peter felt sick. “AJ? Your boyfriend?”

Sarah nodded as she sat down next to Peter.

“I really like Holly, she’s lovely.” He smiled, “I’ll support you and help as much as I can.”

"Thank you. I'm really scared." Sarah admitted.

He squeezed her hand, “We'll be ok. You’re not on your own.”

"I haven't been able to stop thinking about you, about us. I've really missed you. I made a big mistake letting you go."

Peter smiled, “I miss you too. But I’m happy with Holly and I don’t want to ruin what we’ve got.”

"Not even for our baby?"

He shook his head. “I’ll support you both but I’ve moved on Sarah.”

"Peter I'm so sorry I'm late!" Holly arrived, looking flustered. "Who's this?" She asked with a smile.

He smiled, “It’s ok. This is Sarah, Sarah this is Holly. Sarah’s my ex.” He explained.

"Oh, hi. It's lovely to meet you Sarah. Peter has always spoken fondly of you."

Sarah smiled, she stood up. “I’ll leave you both to it. Have a good night.”

After Sarah had left Peter and Holly headed over to their table and ordered their food. Peter had barely spoken and seemed distracted.

"Peter what's wrong?" Holly asked, reached out for his hand on the table.

“There’s something I need to tell you.” He stroked his thumb over the back of her hand.

"OK..."

“Sarah’s pregnant.”

"Yeh, I could see that." Holly replied somewhat flippantly.

“With my baby.”

Holly's eyes widened. "But... You said she was your ex..." She stuttered.

“She is.” He sighed, “We had sex one night after far too many drinks. A one night stand. I haven’t seen her since.”

"Were we together then?" Holly asked, her voice a mere whisper.

“No I swear to you, we weren’t. I hadn’t even met you at that point.” He stroked the back of her hand, “I really like you Holly. I don’t want to give up what we’ve got.”

"You're gunna be a dad Peter. I didn't exactly sign on to be some baby's stepmum..."

“I know. I’m sorry. I’ll understand if you want to call it quits.”

"I need some time to think."

He smiled sadly, “Take all the time you need.”

"OK. I'll call you in a couple of days." Holly smiled softly as she got up from the table. She placed a gentle kiss on the top of Peter's head and left the restaurant.

Peter sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. He decided to get drunk and go to his parents.

When he arrived there a couple of hours later he was surprised to find the door being opened by a very panicked looking Jake. "Oh thank fuck bro! I was about to call you."

“Why? What’s wrong?” Peter swayed slightly.

"Louis." Jake replied, dragging Peter into the kitchen, overlooking the fact that he, like Jake, was pretty drunk.

“Where’s mum and dad?” Peter asked as he stumbled slightly.

"Out." Jake replied.

Krystal and Emily were knelt on the kitchen floor next to Louis.

“He alright?” Peter asked as he attempted to get down on the floor.

"I don't know what he's taken." Emily replied, she was the only one in the room who was sober.

“Just drink? Any drugs?” Peter asked, trying to think clearly.

"Yeh." Emily sighed, showing Louis' arm to Peter. "They won't let me call an ambulance." She pointed at Jake and Krystal.

“Heroin? Has he taken heroin?!”

"He swore he only smoked weed." Jake mumbled. "Make him wake up! Peter! Mum and dad will fucking kill us all!" He was getting really agitated.

“He needs an ambulance!”

"They'll tell your parents." Krystal shot back.

“I couldn’t give a flying fuck to be honest!” Peter replied back, “He’s taken alcohol and heroin, that alone is enough to kill him. Do you want him to fucking die?!”

Emily had had enough. She grabbed her phone and called an ambulance before breaking down in tears.

Jake and Peter were arguing in the kitchen.

"Where the fuck did he get heroin?" Peter demanded.

Jake shrugged, “No idea! I swear, I thought it was just weed.”

"Were you two out with him tonight?"

“Kinda.”

"What you mean 'kinda'? Tell me the truth doofus!"

“Yes we were all out together.” Jake frowned, “Don’t call me doofus!”

"Tonight is such a fucking mess!" Peter groaned as there was a knock at the door.

Emily raced to the door from the stairs and pulled it open.

The paramedics came in and quickly began assessing Louis. "Where's your parents?" One of them asked.

“They’re out. Date night, do they need to be contacted?” Emily asked quietly.

"I'd say so."

“Is it really serious?” Jake asked.

"He could die." The paramedic explained softly.

About 45 minutes later Peter, Jake, Krystal and Emily were all sat outside resus when Charlie and Duffy burst through the door and ran towards them down the corridor. Emily was crying and the other three were very obviously drunk.

“What the hell is going on?” Charlie asked as he tried to find someone to tell him about Louis’ condition.

“Care to explain?” Duffy sighed softly as she folded her arms across her chest.

"I tried to help him. He wouldn't wake up." Emily sobbed.

"We don't know anything." Krystal answered, nudging Jake who was half asleep on her shoulder.

“Yeah that’s right.” Jake mumbled, unable to meet his mum’s eye.

"Peter?" Duffy prompted her eldest son who had so far remained silent.

“I don’t feel so good.” Peter replied sadly.

"Have any of you taken whatever it is that Louis took?"

“I haven’t.” Emily replied, “And I don’t think Peter has either.”

Jake shook his head, “No.”

"Don't look at me, I'm not that fucking stupid!" Krystal retorted.

“Enough!” Peter yelled as he stood up.

"Peter, sweetheart, how did you even get dragged into all of this?" Duffy asked as she tried to comfort Emily, rubbing the girl's back awkwardly with her arm that was still in a cast.

“Was coming round. Needed to talk to you.” Peter smiled sadly, “I’ve made a mess of things.”

"What do you mean? It can't be as bad as all of this." Duffy sighed.

Emily couldn't take being around everyone anymore and slipped out into the carpark for some air and space to herself.

“Sarah...” Peter closed his eyes, “I’ve fucked up.”

"Sarah?" Duffy repeated confused.

"Mum, I'm gunna chuck!" Jake gasped.

“Go to the bathroom then! Or there’s a bin over there.” Krystal said, noticing that Duffy was trying to divide her attention between both her sons.

"What's going on with Sarah?" Duffy tried to focus on Peter whilst also keeping half an eye on Jake vomiting.

“I got her pregnant. I’m such a fucking idiot!” Peter mumbled.

A myriad of reactions flickered across Duffy's face in quick succession. "You've been cheating on Holly with Sarah?" She gasped.

“What? No.” Peter shook his head, “I’m not a cheat. An idiot but not a cheat.”

"OK." Duffy paused. "Hang on, that means..! Oh fuck!"

“What?”

"I'm going to be a grandmother?!"

Peter nodded, “She says it’s mine..”

"What do you mean 'she says'..?"

“She just suddenly revealed this bump. She’s nearly five months I think she said.”

"She's only just told you?!"

Peter nodded.

"Oh Peter..!" Duffy sighed, pulling her eldest son into a hug. Looking over his shoulder she saw that Jake was asleep lent against the bin.

“I’m sorry mum.” Peter began to cry.

"Its ok, we'll fix this. Don't worry." Duffy soothed.

Out in the carpark Emily looked up from where she'd been sat on the ground crying surprised to hear Beth's voice. "Em? What's happened? I only just got my phone back and saw all your messages."

Emily sighed, “My brother’s not well.”

"Louis?" Beth guessed.

Emily nodded.

"What did he do?" Beth asked, wrapping her arm around Emily's shoulders.

“He took heroin.”

"Oh fuck! Is he gunna be OK?"

“I hope so.”

[lovexloop]

My top 50 Kpop MV’s in 2018

I know I know this is coming very late im sorry, but I was originally planning to do it a bit differently PLUS we had so many good releases this year - how does one rank them fast (okok im just making excuses by now lol)?? (Discalimer: I love all songs on this list, just because a song is on the lower end doesn’t mean I don’t totally dig it.)

50. BTS - Fake Love (pls don’t hit me for putting it at Nr. 50, but their B-Sides this year were just a loooot stronger than the title tracks imo)

49. Seventeen - Oh my!

48. Monsta X - Jealousy

47. Lay - Namanana

46. Super Junior - Lo Siento (feat. Leslie Grace)

45. Baekhyun x Loco - Young

44. Triple H - Retro Future (they did it for the bisexuals; rip Triple H, you will be missed)

43. Yong Jun Hyung - Sudden Shower (bless Noir’s Seunghoon for recommending this in one of his vlives)

42. Samuel - ONE (feat. Jung Ilhoon) (wym he’s 16)

41. SF9 - Mamma Mia

40. Wanna One - Boomerang

39. Mino - Fiancé

38. Suzy - Sober

37. Noir - Gangsta

36. Stray Kids - District 9

35. Noir - Airplane Mode

34. Day6 - Shoot Me

33. VIXX - Scentist

32. iKon - Killing Me (50% of the reason why I stan iKon)

31. I.M - Fly With Me

30. Mamamoo - Egoistic (we didn’t deserve this one right here)

29. Pentagon - Naughty Boy

28. Ateez - Treasure (check them out, they’re gonna get big, I can feel it)

27. Jung Ilhoon - She’s gone (a shame that this isn’t higher up on the list)

26. Pristin V - Get It (same here)

25. NCT U - Boss

24. EXO - Tempo (my first cb with exo and I must say I’m not disappointed)

23. (G)I-dle - Latata

22. PLT - IGOHOLIC

21. EXO - Love Shot

20. Seventeen - Getting Closer

Honestly the dark power concept we all waited for... whoever isn’t scared of the new era is lying lol

19. Girls’ Generation-Oh!GG - Lil’ Touch

You may have noticed the lack of girl group songs on this list so far, but this one here is just. A bop. Also I’m gay for Hyoyeon.

18. Got7 - Lullaby

A big thank you/f*ck you to this song for pulling me into yet another group lol. Probably among their best title songs so far.

17. SF9 - Now or Never

I don’t think there’s any words needed for this one... other than that it contributed to ruining the speakers in my friend’s car.

16. TST - Paradise

This right here. Is one of the most beautiful songs I ever heard, I’m not even exaggerating. Go and listen to it for yourself, it’s just perfection.

15. SHINee - Good Evening

Needless to say, I cried when it came out. Musically that whole series was just a blessing.

14. Seventeen - Call Call Call!

One of the songs I can’t believe came out in 2018, it’s been so long. And I mean, why would I say no to Seventeen plus motorcycles lol.

13. PinkFantasy - Iriwa

Such a unique concept, these girls debuted only in October with this bop. One of the members is supposed to be a bunny from the year 2189. And if that doesn’t make you interested then I don’t know what. Stan PinkFantasy, kthanksbye.

12. Dreamcatcher - What

I’m gay.

11. PLT - Hocus Pocus

This is THE song to smoke weed to (says the person who’s never even touched weed in her life, but I swear it’s true!! kdjflksad)

10. Seventeen - Thanks

GOOOMAAABDAAAAA

yeah~

9. iKon - Love Scenario

This didn’t win song of the year for nothing, and it’s half of the reason why I’m into iKon. The other half was Killing Me.

8. j-hope - Daydream

When this came out in the beginning of 2018 I honestly thought it would be Nr. 2 on this list. Buuuut Nr. 8 is still a pretty high rank, and I love the whole Mixtape to death.

7. Stray Kids - I am YOU

I just- I just love this song- And the choreography- So. Much. Let me cry.

6. EXO-CBX - Blooming Day

I remember listening to this when it first came out and thinking “what kind of bull-”... a few months later, I started stanning them and still curse SM for putting both my biases into the same subunit kdsjflka.

5. Lee Changsub - Gone

I have. Literally no words for the beautiful masterpiece this song and MV are. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it ;-;

4. Sojung - Crystal Clear

STAN LADIES CODE, STAN VOCAL QUEENS. Really, Sojung is one of the best vocalists out there and don’t @ me on that. Listen to her and you’ll know it’s true.

3. CLC - Black Dress

Tbh the song that saved 2018. Period.

2. (G)I-dle - HANN

Have I mentioned I’m gay? If I could ever properly thank Soyeon for blessing us with two bops consecutively this year I would, but I’m afraid no amount of thanks could ever live up to THIS.

1. Pentagon - Shine

What can I say. I love Pentagon. I’ve loved Shine since the moment it came out. And there was never any doubt that it would win this ranking. *Jijiri-dances out the door*

There are so many great songs missing in this list - 2018 truly was a musical blessing for Kpop and you can’t just summarize that with 50 songs imo.

And since you made it to the bottom of this super-long list, here’s the link to my Top 100 Kpop MV’s of 2018 (+3 cause I couldn’t throw them out dkjsflak)!

[tempestaurora]

WHUMPVEMBER #17: DRUGGED

AO3

It happened on a mission.

A sonic burst loud enough to bring Peter to his knees, to make Tony in his armour stagger back against a wall. It lasted for only a second before War Machine broke through the ceiling and quickly dispatched the bad guys.

Peter had the fight in play-by-plays in his head. The entrance (kicking down the door), the fight (long and bloody) and the moment before the sonic burst, where the bad guys argued, one of them yelled that they didn’t know what the device did yet, and another said screw it, do it anyway.

Then it went off.

And Peter’s ears were still ringing after the police had surrounded the warehouse and Tony was helping Spiderman walk out of the building. The Channel 6 news was just pulling up to call for a statement when Peter groaned, shaking his head.

“You alright there, kid?” Tony asked, the helmet having receded into the rest of the armour.

“No,” Peter muttered, then frowned. Had he meant to say that? “My ears still hurt.”

“I’ll call the doc to meet us at the tower,” Tony replied, glancing back to see Rhodey in the War Machine get up talking to the head police officer on site. Then he looked back to the news crew approaching. “Oh crap.”

“What?”

“Katherine Everhart.”

“What about her?” Peter asked.

“We fucked once.” Peter looked up at him suddenly, a confused expression on Tony’s face. “I didn’t mean to say that out loud.”

Katherine Everhart appeared in Peter’s peripheral, the camera rushing along behind her. “Mr Stark,” she announced, “Spiderman. Christine Everhart, can you give us a statement about what happened here today?”

Peter looked to Tony, still in his mentor’s grip. “You got her name wrong.”

“I know I got her name wrong,” Tony replied, quiet, despite Christine’s raised eyebrow. “There were bad guys, we took them down.”

“Lots of bad guys,” Peter agreed.

“Do you know what organisation they worked for?” Christine asked, following along as Tony and Peter limped to the edge of the property.

“Yes,” Tony said. “It’s-”

“Classified,” Rhodey interrupted suddenly, appearing by Tony’s side. “Nice to see you again, Miss Everhart. We’ve gotta go. You okay to fly, Spidey?”

“Oh?” Peter asked, looking to Rhodey. “I’m okay to fly though I might throw up over Brooklyn if I do.” There was a beat, then Peter added: “But I’m wearing my mask so I’ll probably just throw up in my own face.”

Rhodey and Tony both blinked at him and Christine seemed lost for words.

“We should get going,” Rhodey announced, and as soon as Tony agreed, Peter was gripped tightly by the Iron Man armour and they shot off across New York.

Peter didn’t vomit during the trip, but it wasn’t for a lack of trying.

 -

 “Still in pain?” Tony asked when they reached the medbay.

Peter yanked off his mask to sit on the bed as Tony pulled an MIT sweatshirt on. Peter shook his head. “My ears don’t hurt anymore.”

“That’s good,” the doctor said with a nod, before starting the check up.

Peter squinted at Tony’s sweatshirt. “I like it,” he said when Tony raised an eyebrow.

“I stole it from Rhodey,” Tony replied. “I don’t know where my one is.”

The doctor checked Peter’s ears and gave him a full body scan, before frowning at an area of his brain lighting up on FRIDAY’s systems.

“Have you taken any drugs recently?” the doctor asked without looking at him.

Peter shrugged. “Not recently.”

Tony raised a pointed eyebrow. “Does that mean you’ve taken drugs not recently?”

Peter blinked. He knew the right answer was to say no, but- “How recently is not recently?”

“Peter.”

“Mr Stark.”

The doctor clicked at the keyboard in the background as the two of them stared off.

“Peter, have you taken recreational drugs before?”

No. Of course not. Never in my life. “Yes.” Jesus Christ, Peter. “I didn’t mean to say that.”

Tony stared at him and Peter wasn’t sure if he could work out the rage from the confusion. When he spoke, he did so incredibly slowly. “Peter Benjamin Parker. What recreational drugs have you taken?”

Peter’s mouth didn’t want to move. He didn’t want it to. He would do anything to just not open it and say: “I smoked weed a few times and then I went to a party and I think I tried E-”

“PETER-”

“-But my metabolism meant I couldn’t really feel the effect of it so it was like I didn’t take it at all.”

The room was entirely silent. Even the doctor was staring at Peter.

“I didn’t mean to say that, either.”

Just as Tony opened his mouth to no doubt ban Peter from drugs, drinking, Spiderman and possibly TV for the rest of his life, the doctor interrupted. “What do you mean, you didn’t mean to say that? What did you mean to say?”

“I meant to lie,” Peter replied with zero hesitation.

“Has this been going on for long?”

“Just since I got here, really.”

“Did anything happen on the mission to affect you in this way?”

There was a pause before Peter looked over to Tony. “That sound,” he said. “There was a noise – it took me down. Mr Stark got hit with it, too.”

The doctor nodded slowly. “And now you keep speaking without meaning to. You keep telling the truth when you don’t want to.”

“Yeah.”

The doctor turned to Tony and tilted his head. “Mr Stark, I’ve been told you’re fourteen months sober. Is that true?”

“No,” Tony replied, his eyes growing wide at how his mouth moved so fast. “I’m like three and a half weeks sober.”

“Mr Stark!”

Tony looked at Peter with his jaw clenched. Still, he said, “Being sober is really difficult. I went about four months without a drink and that’s my record.”

The room was silent, the three looking between each other as it dawned on them what was going on.

“Well,” the doctor said, moving back to his keyboard. “It seems you two can only tell the truth. I’ll call the team in to start working on a fix, but I do recommend you don’t leave the tower in case you say something you usually wouldn’t.”

“I’ll be fine,” Peter said.

The doctor raised an eyebrow but didn’t look away from the screen. “Peter, are you Spiderman?”

“Yes.” Peter blinked. “I see your point.”

 -

 Tony and Peter sat across from each other at the kitchen table. A few floors down, the doctors were working on the fix, while Rhodey had been sent away and Vision – well, Vision was never there anyway. Tony had given his phone to the doctor and gotten him to text May that Peter was staying the night – he really didn’t need Peter blabbing to May when she was the one person who had higher authority than Tony about whether Spiderman was allowed to come and play or not.

So they stared at each other, neither wanting to speak in case they said something they shouldn’t – but Peter should’ve recognised the look on Tony’s face, that he had a plan brewing.

“So, kid,” Tony started.

“I don’t want to do this,” Peter interrupted. “This is a bad idea.”

“You got a girlfriend?”

Peter glared. “No.”

“Boyfriend?”

“No.”

“You got a crush on anyone?”

Peter tried to hum to keep his voice at bay, but he still said, “There’s this guy in my Lit class.”

Tony raised his eyebrows and shrugged. “Is he cute?”

“Yes and I’m not doing this, Mr Stark. We should spend the rest of the day apart until the doctors can fix this.”

“What if they can’t?” Tony asked, though his voice was toying. “What if we’re stuck telling the truth forever?”

“Then you and Pepper are going to have to start going to marriage counselling,” Peter replied.

“We already go to marriage counselling and we’re not even married yet.”

There was a pause. “Really?”

Tony shrugged to look as if he was indifferent about it, but he averted his gaze all the same. “Yeah.”

“How come?”

“I fly around all day in a tin can. I worry her a lot. It’s healthy, apparently, to go to therapy for that.”

Peter hesitated, then, “You’re really not fourteen months sober?”

“No.”

“You never told me.”

“I didn’t want to worry you. Pepper and Rhodey don’t know, either, though I should probably tell them.” There was a long silence, in which the clock in the kitchen ticked every second and Peter wished they were closer to the ground so he could at least focus on the street noises. Peter understood when Tony changed the subject. “You never told me you were interested in boys.”

Peter shrugged, but he found himself staring at the table. “You never asked.”

“That’s true.”

“That’s how this works,” Peter replied. “I was planning to tell you eventually, but it’s not a big thing, you know? It’s just… part of me.”

“That’s cool. It’s part of me, too.”

Peter raised his eyes to see Tony’s face, but he didn’t need to really. Tony could only tell the truth.

“The press likes to forget that time I dated like four male models at once.”

Peter cracked a smile. So did Tony.

“Why didn’t you tell me about the drugs?” Tony asked, immediately making Peter frown.

“Because I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me. Why did you ask me that? I thought we were having a moment.”

Tony sighed, then tipped his head back with a huff. “You wanna watch a movie?”

“Sure.”

“Anything to stop talking.”

They watched the first movie that came up on Netflix – which happened to be some sappy rom com. Neither of them paid much attention, hyper aware of the other and this curse they’d been afflicted with.

At some point during the film, Peter had started leaning against Tony’s side, and Tony had swung an arm around his shoulders.

“Tired?” Tony asked.

“I’m always tired.”

“Did you sleep much last night?”

“For like an hour,” Peter replied.

On screen, the main couple were arguing. In about twenty minutes they’d get back together again, so this really meant nothing to Peter.

“The drugs really didn’t affect you?” Tony asked, making Peter roll his eyes.

“Really,” Peter said. “I got a little happy for like a minute and then it was gone.”

“Why’d you take them?”

“I wanted to have fun. Would you mind waiting to ask these questions until I’m capable of lying?”

Tony snorted. “I’d mind.” Still he quietened until the main couple were finally kissing and making up and ready to walk off into the sunset together. Then he said, “I’m not gonna be disappointed in you for that sort of stuff.”

“You’re not?”

“It’s hypocritical, I guess, considering everything I’ve done and the lying about sobriety. But, Peter – I’ll be disappointed if you think you can’t come to me about it. If you think you have to lie to me.” On screen, the main couple started singing. Up to this point, the movie hadn’t been a musical. “I want you to be able to talk to me. To trust me.”

“I do trust you.”

“You do?”

“You’re like my dad, of course I do.”

Peter’s eyes widened and he stared steadfastly at the screen and pointedly not at Tony. You’re like my dad? Peter, stop talking.

“Would you, uh, would you mind repeating yourself there, buddy?”

“I’d mind.”

“Peter. Do you consider me a father-figure in your life?”

Peter turned to glare at Tony, who seemed particularly amused with the situation. “Yes,” he ground out.

Tony smiled and Peter shuffled until he was facing the screen again. There was a pre-choreographed music number with a large ensemble. Peter wasn’t sure they were watching the same movie as five minutes ago. He felt Tony pull him in close, his chin resting in Peter’s hair.

“Good.”

Peter’s voice was quiet. “Good?”

“Yeah, Pete. Good.”

He knew he’d regret asking if he didn’t like the response, but Peter Parker had never had a filter even before he could only tell the truth. “Mr Stark, do you consider me a son-figure?”

Tony didn’t hesitate, and all the warmth he could muster went into the words. “Yeah, Peter. I do.”

 -

 When Peter got up the next day, the first thing Tony asked when he walked into the kitchen was, “Hey, kiddo. What’s your crush’s name?”

“Uh… That’s confidential,” Peter replied.

Tony grinned at him. “I’m gonna find it out anyway, but it’s nice to know the truth thing wore off.”

Peter’s eyes widened. “Oh, no way! I’ve never taken drugs before in my life! May’s cooking is great! The US military budget is not big enough! Mr Stark! I can lie again!”

Tony laughed. “Sure can, kid. You want pancakes or waffles?”

“Waffles,” Peter said, then when Tony moved, “That was a lie! I want pancakes! Mr Stark!”

“Yeah, like that’s not gonna get old real quick,” Tony muttered, moving to make the pancakes. Peter landed on the stool at the kitchen island.

“This is great,” Peter said. “I’m gonna lie so much. I’m gonna evade every question. I never realised how much I took it for granted.”

Tony rolled his eyes. “Peter.”

“Mr Stark.”

“The truth thing lasted less than 24 hours, it’s not like we spent a year with it.”

“Sure, but I’m not gonna let my lying ability go to waste.”

“You’re terrible at lying, though.”

“Which is why I’m so happy to finally be able to practice again!”

Overhead, music filtered into the kitchen, Tony cooking at the stove and morning sunlight streaming through the windows. Peter rambled off every lie he could think of, while Tony rolled his eyes, smiling.

“I like Flash as a person. I’ve killed a man in cold blood. I’ve gone to the moon. I didn’t totally have a crush on Black Widow at age eleven. I’ve never been arrested-”

“What?”

“I’ve… uh-”

“Peter.”

“Oh… uh. Oh shit.”

[dave-meowstaine]

All of the asks ! !

Should have seen this coming!

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? - I would be super happy and excited seeing as the last person I texted was Lizzie. I would probably be like “OH MY GOD BABY!!!!!” and then cuddle and kiss the shit out of her

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed? - Lizzie is my girlfriend

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care? - Depends what it is. Weed and hallucinogens are chill but anything hard like coke or heroin and shit could potentially be a deal breaker (if they didn’t get off it)

4. Is your last name longer than six letters? - My last name is double barrelled so… yes?

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober? - It was sober

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up? - I mean, kinda? I did want her, but at the time I didn’t, and then when we got back together it wasn’t the same so… I don’t really know haha

7. What does your last received text say? - “I love you!!!”

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? - Too many to count yet not enough!!!

9. Where was your last kiss at? - It was at Heathrow airport in London. Lizzie was going back to America… :(

10. When is the last time you saw your sister? - About 5 minutes ago

11. What do you drink in the morning?- I always have a cup of tea and a glass of water

12. Where did you sleep last night? - In my bed

13. Do you think relationships are hard? - If they are hard, then you’re probably not doing it right. A proper good relationship should feel like the most effortless thing in the world. That’s how I feel with Lizzie

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? - Not at all

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems? - Hell no! Maybe noise complaints but no real problems hahaha

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? - Sunny, to be honest. Unless I’m snuggled up in bed. Then definitely rainy!

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? - My middle name is my dad’s first name

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants? - Jeans

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now? - Definitely still be with Lizzie

20. Does anyone like you? - Obviously Lizzie haha

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S? - Nope

22. Is the last person you kissed gay? - Lizzie is bi

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand? - Yeah, I can think of a couple of people

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? - Yes! I want to be covered. I’m thinking of getting one really soon, actually. Just after christmas

25. In the past week have you cried? - I cried last night

26. What breed was the last dog you saw? - Jesse is… um… we have no idea what my dog is. Some sort of Terrier haha

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower? - Out of it

28. Have you ever kissed a football player? - Nope

29. Do you think you’re old? - I know I’m not because I’m 19. Then I remember that kids born in 2000 will be able to get into clubs next year and…

30. Do you like text messaging? - Depends who it is I’m texting

31. What type of day are you having? - It’s alright. Been working out and skateboarding all day

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? - I have septum pierced. I’ve thought about getting the side of my nose pierced but I don’t think I would

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? - Warm weather so I can go out and do stuff

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? - Lizzieeee

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling? - Definitely a relationship. I’ve had flings, but they just aren’t my sort of thing

36. Are you a simple or complicated person? - Depends on how you see it. I like to think I’m a simple person. What you see is what you get with me, there is no hidden agenda or anything

37. What song are you listening to? - Nothing at the moment, but I have Lil Peep stuck in my head

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it? - Of course! I would never say sorry unless I meant it39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? - Lizzie literally knows me inside and out40. What made you start liking the person you like now? - Just so kind and caring and passionate and funny and beautiful. Looking back I think I fell in love with Lizzie as soon as we started talking. It was like meeting the part of me that was always missing41. When did you last receive a text message? - About 7am this morning42. What is wrong with you right now? - I really want Lizzie and I miss her so much and that makes me sad and not motivated to do anything43. How well do you know the last female you texted? - Lizzie has literally told me everything about herself. There isn’t a single thing I don’t know about that woman44. Does anyone disgust you? - Maybe people’s attitudes and the way they see things, but I wouldn’t say a person as a whole disgusts me45. Would you date someone right now if they asked? - No, I’m dating Lizzie46. Are you in a good mood right now? - I’m in a fairly good mood. Kinda frustrated because I’ve been skateboarding and am really close to landing a new trick but I can’t quite get it right, so I’m taking a break and answering these!47. Who was the last person you talked to in person? - My dad48. What color shirt are you wearing? - It’s plain dark green49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? - Ummm not recent recent but about a month ago50. Anyone you’re giving up on? - Not that I’m aware of51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? - Definitely not! I’m head over heels in love with Lizzie!

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t? - Nope53. Do you like rain? - I love the rain! Especially when I’m snuggled up in bed54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? - Not at all! When Lizzie was here, we went to the pub a couple of times with my friends and my sister and one night we got completely wasted hahaha55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? - No, actually. I’ve actively pursued every crush I’ve had. Some worked, some didn’t. That’s just life. You never know unless you give it a go56. Do you like to cuddle? - I fucking love cuddles!57. Are you shy? - Kinda when you first meet me. More awkward than shy. But as soon as we’re acquainted and we know each other, I’m no where near shy 58. Do you get along with girls? - I do59. Have you dated the person you texted last? - I am currently dating Lizzie60. What do you carry with you at all times? - My phone and my headphones61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? - I live in it if it meant I got $1 million! Would be pretty interesting to see if anything spooky happens62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months? - Lizzie and I will have been together for 5 months and known each other for 6 in 10 days so… 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship? - I was. In fact, Lizzie was here in England for half of October, including Halloween!64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? - Omg yes please65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week? - Lizzie told her parents about me and we’re finally free to be together 100% and tag each other in shit on Facebook and post about each other on social media and that made me super happy!

66. How old are the last three people you kissed? - 19, 18, and 21 (Lizzie is the 21 year old, fyi)

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? - I wouldn’t get my nails done (unless Lizzie wanted me to for fun haha) but probably professional. Unless it was Lizzie messing around and just painting my nails, then that would be adorble    68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print? - Neither. Both are pretty tacky, if you ask me. But hey, you like what you like!   69. Do you have any stickers on your car? - Nope   70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? - I don’t know who Luke Bryan is but I think I would rather put my dick in a blender than listen to Lil Wayne so I guess Luke Bryan…?71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone? - Android   72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut? - 25 days ago. The day before Lizzie went back to America, we went on a date and we went bowling and then had a proper meal at Pizza Hut   73. Do you like diet soda? - I prefer regular but yeah   74. What color are the walls in your room? - White except one which is light blue    75. Are you 16 or older? - I’m 19   76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? - Nope, never have and probably never will    77. Do you have a job? - Not at the moment. College is taking up all of my time so I’m focusing on doing the absolute best I can in that  78. What are your initials? - T.A.W-P    79. Did you ever have braces? - Nope. My dentist said I could have gotten them but my teeth weren’t fucked up enough so we would have to have paid a lot    80. Are you from the south? - South East London   

81. What does your last status on facebook say? - I haven’t posted a status on Facebook in literally years! The last post on there is me changing my profile picture to a picture of Lizzie and I    82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed? - No, I do not    83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad? - I’m equally as close to both of them, but I feel like I can talk to my mum more    84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics? - Gymnastics but that was because we all had to do it back in school    85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters? - I think it was a film called Allied with Brad Pitt. My best friend, Ed, and I went to see it and then went to Costa Coffee afterwards. Great night out    86. Do you smoke? - Occasionally. More social than not     87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops? - Neither, but I guess flip flops. Although I do rock a mean pair of heels   88. Is your phone touch screen? - It is    89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly? - Lol good luck getting my hair straight without a pair of straighteners and a lot of hairspray    90. Have you ever snuck out of your house? - Not really. I have crept out of the house to go for a cigarette in the early hours of the morning, but that because I don’t want to wake anyone up   91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool? - I’ve never swam in a river or lake so I can’t really say    92. Have you ever made out in a car? - I have   93. …Had sex in a car? - I haven’t outright had sex, but I have done stuff   94. Are you single or in a relationship? - In a relationship   95. What were you doing last night at midnight? - Reading my book in bed and texting Lizzie    96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? - 5th of November on bonfire night with Lizzie    97. Do you like the camera on your phone? - Yeah, it takes pretty good photos so I can’t complain   98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? - I have, more than once, and it actually sucked    99. Have you ever passed out from drinking? - Many times    100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate? - I wouldn’t say I really HATE anyone, but definitely people I dislike101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? - Not me personally, yeah I thought I got someone pregnant. Wasn’t scared though   102. Name your favorite Kesha song - The only Kesha song I know is Tick Tock and to be fair that is a banger hahaha    103. Do you have any tan lines right now? - Nope    104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? - I don’t think I would ever wear cowboy boots to begin with

Thank you!!! :D   

[dcnativegal]

Another autumn behind the sagebrush curtain

Something I’m getting used to in Christmas Valley is body odor. I don’t want to embarrass my smelly clients but I also need to breathe, so I regularly plug in one of those melted wax aromatic thingamajigs, and it does help. But I was in line at the Chevron, which is also kind of a fast food joint and a grocery store, and the gentleman before me was quite odiferous. Wow, phew, ack. A lot of my clients and perhaps a significant part of the population up in North County is without running water, sewage hookup, and/or electricity. Maybe you’ve heard of that zen saying’. Before Enlightenment: chop wood, haul water. After Enlightenment, chop wood, haul water. Well, all that chopping and hauling is the day to day reality here with no pretensions for spiritual edification.

I did a couple’s counseling session recently and one point of contention was who does the dishes. Sounds familiar to most couples, amiright? In this case, it’s a matter of hauling water and sometimes but not always heating it to do the dishes. Good grief. Same with gardening. You want vegetables? You gotta haul the water.

When money is tight, and a felon and his disabled girlfriend are living on her disability check, and sometimes his phone is out of minutes and sometimes hers is, and they haul water, and sometimes pay for a shower at the RV park ($4. Not sure if shampoo is provided), and the laundromat is 40 miles from your homestead…. Body odor will result. Me and my nose will adapt.

**

Winter is on its way. We’ve already had several frosts. The outdoor potted plants are now indoor. We never did plant the azaleas that Karen gave us to prove that azaleas are possible to grow in the high desert. (I remain skeptical.) One just up and died, and the other one is on a window ledge by the wood stove. I’m back to keeping a warm coat in the car just in case the car breaks down and I have to wait in the cold for help. I have an emergency kit, a spare tire, bottled water and protein bars. I don’t plan to break down any time soon or to hit a deer or god help me an elk, but you never know. I’ve learned from last winter to be prepared. Cell phone reception is an iffy thing, and we all depend on the kindness of strangers in bad weather.  At the beginning of November, I’ll have my studded tires put on and then I’ll be ready for whatever ice and snow gets tossed on us humans in these high altitudes.

I learned recently that for every 1000 feet in altitude, it is 5 degrees color than at sea level. So at 4,000 feet up, it’s 20 degrees cooler. Lakeview, the county seat, is the highest altitude town in Oregon. That doesn’t seem right, since there are the Cascades and all. Maybe the highest county seat.

It’s gonna be in the 80s today in DC. A bit warm for early October but by no means unusual. It was 29 last night in Paisley.

**

I’ve graduated a bunch of people with Substance Use Disorder since I started in February, giving them a certificate, notifying their probation officer, closing out their treatment plan, changing their diagnosis to say, in remission, making a compliance note, and then a service conclusion note. They are so happy not to have to call in every morning to see if their random urinalysis color is on for the day. If their color is called, they have to get to our offices during the day, and if they work a job during the day, it’s a hassle, although most employers are cool with it.  I’ve been flexible with my clients since I started practicing in North Lake, allowing the clients to come in for a spit test (for guys because I’m a gal) or a pee test or UA (for gals because I’m a gal so I can watch them pee. Oh joy.) when they are already in town, saving them gas and another trip to come in between 4 and 5 when we’re supposed to be most available for drug tests. And I’ve been happy to oblige. However, I’ve been informed from people above my pay grade that I’m not supposed to be that flexible, ‘cause then everyone will want to come in whenever. So new clients are going to have to come in from 4 to 5pm when their color is called. Gas or no gas. If they ‘no show’, they have to start the 90 days over again.

I have an ambivalent relationship to the punitive aspects of drug treatment. Sometimes I think, just have abundant available treatment options, people, and come on, taxpayers, pay up. And other times I see that, in one case or another, threat of jail and even brief time in jail scares them sober. I’m particularly worried about the poverty around here. A gallon of gas is beyond some folks some days. I do encourage my clients to quit smoking because you could buy gas with that cigarette money.

Or food. One of my clients just had kids taken by DHS and now the client is not eligible for food stamps. Apparently, when single years ago, this client could get food stamps for a month near to $200. Not anymore. Do folks realize that it is Democrats who shore up the ‘safety net’ and increase food stamp allowances? Not these folks. If they vote, they vote Republican. Do I point this out in session? No, I do not.

**

I wish I could tell you some stories from my clients’ worlds but I can’t. I will share themes, instead.

One theme for people with ‘substance use disorders’ is about cannabis.  I have at least 4 clients who have stopped using methamphetamine, and good on them. Seriously. But they still smoke pot. Weed. A bowl. Now and then or several times a day. And they object to the fact that their body fluid drug tests (spit or pee) are ‘dirty’ with THC. They stopped using meth! They aren’t drinking whisky or beer. Why can’t they have weed? It’s LEGAL. It’s NATURAL.

If you’re under 18 it is NOT legal.

If you’re on probation for a drug offense, and sometimes if it is not a drug offense but you’re on probation, or you lost your kids to foster care for domestic violence, then YOU CAN’T USE POT. PERIOD.

I tell them, I’m so sorry, but that’s the rules. And my job is to help you get off probation. I did not make the rules. Neither did the probation officers. If they want to lobby Oregon state legislature, get on to Salem, and knock yourself out. Meanwhile, YOU CAN’T USE IT.

So then I hear, but I can’t sleep without it. I get so angry without it. It helps me cope with my PTSD. Which is for real.

It’s MEDICINAL.

Do they have a medical marijuana card? Nope. And even if they did, most judges say, tough, no THC in the drug test. No nothing in the drug test. Not a single beer.

Okay then, let’s look at the options for treating the PTSD. Nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, hypervigilance. There are options. Some of them has to do with talk therapy, and that’s where I come in. but there is help from medications. There really is. I’ve seen it work since I got here. We have a psychiatric consultant who is a nurse practitioner. He treats half the rural counties in Oregon, and does it remotely from The Dalles. Thursday is Lake County day. He looks like Arlo Guthrie, and recently failed to kill a single elk with his bow during a 10 day vacation.

Okay, so these clients then say, drugs aren’t natural. Pot is natural.

My retort is that arsenic and uranium are natural, too.

They don’t want to be dependent on a drug. Excuse me, what is cannabis? They don’t want to have to pay for a drug. They grow their own medicine in the form of pot and why is that a problem? I mention again, it’s against the terms of probation.

But, but, I once was on a drug and it made me crazy. Did you try another drug? Nope.

I don’t believe in drugs. So if you had an infection in your leg and it was either take an antibiotic or have it cut off, what would you do? Stuff it with herbs and wait.

See what I’m up against? Those clients who kicked meth but work daily on 6 bowls of pot, chopping wood, hauling water, hustling cigarettes, bartering for hay for the goats and feed for the chickens are going to be on probation forever. I’ve had clients on probation for 7 years. Alrighty then. I’m taking your spit and meeting with you and your probation officer looks at you with the stink eye and Oregon Health Plan pays for me and the spit, and taxpayers pay for the probation officer, and here we are.

For the folks who finally get clean of all of those substances, gosh they are my favorite clients. I miss them when they graduate. They are so glad to be done, to be off probation, to have a simple life with a job and their kids at home, and church on Sunday. I give them their certificate, tell them to stop by to visit if they’re nearby, lend them movies for free, and remind them to be nice to gay people. (Especially at church.) Off they go.

At some point they made a decision to get clean and stay clean. For most but not all it was residential rehabilitation that did they trick. Removed them from their day to day, sat them down with a counselor and with a group of fellow ‘substance use disordered’ folks, and forced them to gaze at their navel. After a month or 3 months, boom, they are clean and sober. They return to 90 days of random testing and weekly visits with me in what is called aftercare. And then, they are DONE.  And their sweet simple life is so sweet and so blissfully simple.

Mostly I sit and listen to their stories. I am grateful to be a witness to their transformation.

**

I wish I could do a study of all the gay people who grew up in Lake County. I’d like to know how they survived high school at one of the three schools (North Lake, Paisley and Lakeview). When did they came out to themselves, to one other person, to their parents, and what happened then? Where did they move after high school? How out are they now? And are they okay. (Did it get better?)

I have pretty darn good gaydar which I keep refining over the years. I’ve been wrong a few times, because effeminate men can be straight, and butch women can be, too. But I knew the first few minutes of the movie Juno that the actress, Ellen Page, was gay, and that was years before she came out. I just knew it by how she marched to the convenience store for yet another pregnancy test. I said, lesbian. Queen Latifah is gay, too. I don’t think she’s ever coming out. Jody Foster. Most definitely, and finally out. Anyway, there are two boys in Paisley that I think are gay. And I don’t know for sure. But I wish I could cast a protective aura around them. Because whatever they evolve into, (gay, bisexual, trans) they could be targeted because they are gentler, more creative, and have emotional intelligence.  We’ll see. I’m not close enough to either of them to offer protection. And one is related to a very conservative family. So I’m just watching. I’m not sure what else to do. I go to the same church as these boys (when I go to church in Paisley). So that’s something. My mere presence as an out gay person must mean something.

Maybe next June I’ll hang a rainbow flag on the house. I fear a stray bullet. Or rather, an intentional bullet coming from a 12 gauge.  I know, from good authority (Valerie’s daughter), that ‘nobody cares.’  But I don’t quite believe that. I still don’t have the nerve to put on my car, in defiance, the brilliant bumper sticker: I don’t mind straight people if they act gay in public.

I miss gay people. There is Valerie. And a few lesbians in Klamath County that I located with the help of google, the Herald and News (out of Klamath Falls) and one lesbian in particular who hooked me up with the others. I am ridiculously glad to see my one gay male friend who works with some of my clients, and now that another of my clients has moved to a third foster home, he is no longer the client’s worker so I see him less often. But he stopped by last week in Christmas Valley and is investigating a former client so maybe I’ll see more of him. Not that I ever wish anyone to be investigated because some kid is neglected. But sometimes kids need to be rescued and parents need a wake up call. He’s an awesome social worker, and all around great husband and father to four kids (who were born to substance use disordered cousins). Gay men make perfect friends for women, gay or straight. They have emotional intelligence. They don’t want to get in your pants. And sometimes, they share your interests, like knitting. Or social work. Valerie’s first husband’s husband knits AND crochets.

**

It’s dusty out here. Sometimes it’s alkali dust from the dried patches of the lakes, when the wind is just right. Sometimes it’s dirt dust. This weekend I’m staying in a tiny town in Deschutes county where Valerie is cow and puppy sitting. The ranch house is full of flies; she says it’s because of how close the leppies (baby calves whose mother rejected them) are to the house. But when I visited her here when she was the main ranchhand, a few summers ago, there were piles of dead flies in the window sills. She was just now talking to her sister on the phone and walking around killing fly after fly. I am amazed at her deadly skill. And then there’s dust. On everything. Thick layers of it. She apparently mopped thoroughly ever single floorboard just yesterday. Today I can write my name in the dust with my be-socked toe. The views from the house are beautiful. The house itself is adorable, with a lovely porch, decorated in Rustic Cowboy. But I am having trouble with the dust. Val says, at least it’s not bus exhaust and city soot. Yea, true. But when I close the windows in the city, the soot stays outside. She says it’s because of the wind here. And the dirt is just real dry. The dirt can go wherever it wants to! I just don’t want to live in it.

I didn’t realize I’m such a prissy butt.

**

I’m near to Bend while visiting Brothers, which is a proper city, with stop lights and everything. I have a ‘must visit’ list now every time I approach a city: If it’s Sunday, I attend church. I check out the ethnic food. (I highly recommend the salmon pho with the cheerful all-male waiters at the Vietnamese.) I check out the local yarn shop and make a bee line for the sale bin. And I see a movie.  If I’m lucky I can do all four.

Tomorrow, we’re going to an episcopal church, and sing hymns with multiple verses that I recognize. Alleluia. Not sure where we’ll eat. I’m voting for Indian. I have enough yarn (for the rest of my existence) so I’ll pass on the store this time. On Monday when I’m heading back south, I’ll go into Bend again and I’ll probably see Blade Runner 2049. I loved the first version, and I’ll love this one, too. I’ll have had my fix, and head south into a food desert, conservative churches, and zero movie theaters. Although the chili and cornbread at the Sage Hen Café is pretty good and I love the chicken and avocado Caesar salad at ‘erry’ restaurant. It used to be Jerry’s, but the J and the s are missing.

**

Dallas is not in Texas. Springfield is not in Massachusetts or Ohio. Lewisburg is not in Pennsylvania.  Florence is not in Italy. Newport is not in Rhode Island. Bridgeport is not in Connecticut. Warrenton is not in Virginia. Oakland is not in California.  I’ve mentioned before that Albany is not in New York, and Ontario is not in Canada, either. They are all in Oregon. The ocean, known as the coast or the beach, is West, not East, of wherever I am. Do not under any circumstances pass a snow plow on the right. That’s just dumb. And never go into a rural area without a full tank of gas. I started out at the edge of a reservation on the way to Portland recently and figured there was a gas station. WRONG. I spent about 30 miles wondering what I would do if I ran out of gas. With no phone signal. And way past the age where all I had to do was show a little leg (a la It Happened One Night.)  I figured maybe I write a big sign that said OUT OF GAS, and pray. But I finally made it to a gas station just in time.

Also in Oregon: Sweet Home, Bonanza, Remote. Halfway, Paradise, Pendleton, Aloha. Eightmile, Thirtymile, Tenmile and Friend. Chiloquin, Keno, and Paisley.

**

One benefit of living in a frontier outpost is that there are virtually no chain businesses, with the exception of a couple of gas stations and the one Safeway in Lakeview. One Dollar Store and a True Value. Everything else is a small business. You can buy almost anything from a store that has only one location. I can buy excellent quality yarn at Willows in Christmas Valley. There are at least 3 thrift shops with big selections. I bought a little bit of furniture for my office at a store in Lakeview. Many stores serve multiple functions, like the Chevron/fast food/grocery store. The True Value sells toys. You can buy clothes and rent movies at Santa’s Hardware in Christmas Valley. Ammo, knickknacks, milk, nails, and deodorant are available at the Paisley Mercantile. If you’re into quilting, there are shops in Lakeview and Paisley. The county could use more pharmacies—there is only one, called Howard’s, in Lakeview. And there is the one hospital, of which I am an employee since they took over the county mental health service. Folks in north lake county go shopping up in another county, Deschutes, where there is Costco and Walmart and BiMart, which has a pharmacy. Is BiMart only for bisexuals? No. Bisexuals are the largest category of not-straight, though you’d never know it by popular culture. I guess I’d have to dust off my official bisexual card. Kidding. No such thing. I’m a lesbian-identified bisexual, based on my history, and a persistent crush on Ryan Gosling. Anyway, we support small businesses out of necessity here in the Oregon Outback because we have no choice. And I gladly pay a little more for gas at the Summer Lake General Store and the Chewaucan garage to thank them for persisting and existing.

**

Since I moved out here, I’ve been especially interested in stories in the news about people who are building bridges, across class and race and political party. Black friends on facebook encourage all their white friends to be a proactive ally against racism in all its forms. I do speak up when there is an opportunity, which is a tricky thing to recognize. Speaking up in a way that communicates, and builds a bridge. I listen to a bunch of podcasts which are focusing on studies of bias (Hidden Brain, Invisibilia, Freakonomics.)  A recent story from Sincerely x was narrated by a black woman who was told repeatedly by her mom and her teachers that she ‘ain’t nothing, and ain’t gonna BE nothing.’  She has proven everyone wrong. I listen to This American Life, Moth Radio Hour, Strangers, Terrible Thanks for Asking, and a couple with funny names like “Conversations with People who Hate Me.”  There’s a podcast called Home of the Brave, and the narrator interviews Trump supporters hoping to understand them better, and another called Strangers, same thing. Us & Them is a podcast out of West Virginia. It had a recent episode called Hillers and Creekers which described the bullying that upper class (Hillers) did to working class (Creekers) residents. Wow. To make sure I don’t lose touch altogether with black culture, I listen to 2 Dope Queens and Historically Black. I’ve subscribed to Reparations but haven’t listened yet. There’s Still Processing from the New York Times, which focused on biracial folks in the most recent episode. I fill my ears and mind with hours of podcasts every week, what with all the driving I do beyond the reach of radio. I am the better for it.  I may work less than 30 hours a week, but I drive another 8 hours for my commute.

I confess I wish someone would like to build a bridge to me. A friend of Valerie’s invited us over for dinner early on, and included one of the resident gun-worshipping, trump-supporting curmudgeons. She proceeded to start a conversation about racism. It did not go well. Of course, the curmudgeon did not have a racist bone in his body (where are those blasted racist bones, anyway?) And, naturally, he’d had one unfortunate encounter with a black person in which the black person was mean to him and so, that’s it: black people had a chance and they blew it. It was too vast a territory to traverse over tri tip. He didn’t trust me. And I don’t know what our host intended. Self-described as a moderate republican, she is a decent person, and noble to the point of saintliness in some of her activities here in rural America. But I felt put on the spot, and discouraged. I’m game. But I do not desire to be put on a hot seat and ask to explain 400 years of white supremacy, and why it is still real and still important, as a sort of freak show. I had an idea about starting an anti-racist book group when I first arrived. Let me get my health together first; i just don’t have the energy right now.

**

Have I mentioned how gorgeously beautifully picturesque this place is? How happy I am to snuggle next to my beloved girlfriend in the fake brass bed I got off of the DC Craigslist? How much I enjoy all the wool I am collecting? I am one prolific lap blanket maker right about now. How glad I am that I made this move?

[dykebitc]

the past few weeks i’ve been pretty set on losing julie like. is it even a loss? she’s high 100% of the time now and hanging out with julie and tanner last week just got me. like? it’s not even them anymore, they’re all high at least 80% of the time, is there really anything left of them at this point? they’ve all absorbed each other’s bad habits like. they’ve all got tanner’s refusal to be wrong(even his making it so the other person is wrong in his mind), they’re all skipping school bc of julie (hey guys weren’t we supposed to be stopping her from skipping?), and julie’s picked up on gage’s sheep mentality lmao. They just smoke nonstop and it’s pretty clear that julie’s probably getting high on something other than weed, too, lately. 

Last sunday we all decided to go to the techno dance last saturday, nat saying she’d only go if she could take a few shots beforehand -if you think it’s hypocritical, just consider this is a 1-time thing. tanner gage and julie don’t go anywhere sober- and julie’s like oh, d a r n, i can’t drink because of my meds.... can i smoke? we all are silent because. who, exactly, was she kidding ? she’s always high and it’s not like we don’t know.... lmao.... and at the techno dance she reeked of weed, of course, -lately just the smell of weed pisses me off lol- and she was wearing makeup (meaning, she was with emma beforehand, which was who she was with last time i think she was more than high on cannabis). court nat and i were all still pretty pissed at her so we all kinda subconsciously gave her the cold shoulder.... not 30 minutes into the dance courtney natalie and julie are looking for me &jenna, and courtney’s like julie do you see them? and julie. snaps. at her, asking who! and they exchange for a bit, courtney asking, why are you so angry? julie says shes just tired ! and courtney says something, and julie says shes just gonna go home and chill ! courtney says fine! go smoke some more! have fun! julie says i will! . and that was that.

also julie still has my leather jacket i need that back i’m pissed? ! 

and last night gage texted me he can’t take me to school anymore and i laughed. guess he’s gotta get up early to smoke with tanner and julie before school too! what happened  to not smoking for a month to apply for whatever job that was? how long did that last???? 3 days??? less???? and oh, they’re just so full of it. last week natalie texted gage and tanner, asking why the fuck are they smoking with julie if they agreed they wouldn’t? and tanner exchanges some bs with natalie, eventually climaxing with

“if julie just wants to kill herself when she’s not high,

shouldn’t 

she

be

high

all

the

time

?

“

damn, tanner? you’re so right???? fuck actual recovery, escapism is a fine way of life, huh?????? 

and when that exchange got brought up last week, tanner, presented it as though, man, he really got her there !!!! i even told him, tanner, you know what you said was fucking stupid right? 

well anyways back to the dance, julie left and talked to gage bc she was upset. we’re like what the fuck does she have to be upset for? she was the one who snapped out of nowhere. until we realized we were giving her the cold shoulder. which.i guess i feel bad about but i’m allowed to be pissed and i’m sick of pretending for her sake anyways. 

and today, you see i always walk with tanner after 3rd hour, but i didn’t really know where we stood after all this. taylor luckily runs to my locker and i say ! thank you i’m avoiding someone. i waited a little bit for him but i never saw him so idk if he was just runnin late or if he was avoiding me too. honestly he was probably avoiding me too but who knows ! but today, gage texts me srry can’t take you home today, (he’s smoking, ofc) and huygtfcvhjbkljhbnj i see julie in his car huygfrtghjkljh like i knew he was gonna be smoking with her but just. seeing it is so jihgfcdxghjhfdhdh i flipped them off, i actually meant to be joking but idk if they saw or saw it as joking lmaoo.... but either way , not long after, julie tanner and gage leave the group chat. when courtney texted me telling me that, i hollered. it’s just. they’re so full of it? and i just....... it’s so reminiscent of when jared left the groupchat....... because he didn’t like that we were drinking and shit.... except reversed ? just an extremely dramatic move... out of nowhere really... they could have just ...let it be let the groupchat die... but nah they really had to get the message across !

but i admit i did get sad earlier like am i really ready to break it off with julie? i thought of the past two years of being friends and how i’d miss that. but i remembered! julie’s gone and she’s been replaced with . whatever high ass bitch she is now. i don’t care at this point i just want my jacket back

[suckitsurveys]

Ready for a new survey? Sure lemme know when you find one.

How awkward are you? A lot to very.

Are you currently in love right now? I am.

Favorite fast food joint? Popeyes.

What would you do if your ex contacted you? I would ignore it.

Do you still have feelings for your ex? Nope.

What was the last tv show you were watching? Bob’s Burgers.

Last time you had anal sex?(if ever) Wow you just don’t hold back do you? I’ve never had anal sex in the definition of a peen in my butt.

Do you use military time? The program I work with on a daily basis is in military time and I HATE it. I just cannot get the hang of it. I have a little cheat sheet for it on my desk, haha.

Vodka, whiskey, or rum? Rum.

Ever tasted a flavored condom? Yes.

Do you know CPR? No.

How much do you care about your best friend? A lot, of course.

Do you watch Dr. Phil? Cash me not watching that, how bow dah?

What age would you like to have a child? Never is good.

420? I will take 420 dollars, yes.

Are your parents wealthy? My father is comfortable.

Biggest fear? Having my little fears used against me. 

Your nickname? Hannah Conda.

Pick one state you’d love to live in? Hawaii. I hear it’s expensive but hello weather.

How many pets do you want? And of what? I would eventually like some more kittens and a doggo. 

Xbox or Playstation? Whatever.

Have you ever asked someone out? Nope. 

When do you want to get married? July 24, 2017.

Can you play a musical instrument? Nope.

Ever went camping in a tent? Yes sir.

Do you like thunderstorms? Yes.

Do you ever masturbate? Man, TMI, but I am reeeeealllyy gunna miss my detachable shower head at my old house..

Ever got so high you freaked yourself out? Yeah, just recently in Michigan over New Years. We had brownies and I guess I ate too much which is weird because the couple of times I ate some before that was the exact same amount so I don’t know what happened. I was SO dizzy and I couldn’t even walk. Yikes. I slept it off but I was so worried I was gunna sleep through the New Years count down. 

Does money make you happy? Yes and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.

Ever felt so hopeless about love that you wanted to die? Nope.

Ever went away to college? Nope.

Ever had a family member who was a best friend? My sister kind of is. I say kind of because she sometimes tries to be my mom which I do not need in a sibling. 

Your favorite breakfast food? Hashbrowns.

What do you wish right now? That there were magically more crab legs in my house when I get home.

Do you have feelings for anyone, if so who? Mark.

Is the last person you kissed a virgin? Lol definitely not.

Did your last kiss take place on a bed? Yes.

Do you believe that the last person that you kissed cares for you? I know he does.

Could you stay in the same relationship for over a year? Try over 5 years.

Do you like to cuddle? I do.

Will you be in a relationship in the next couple months? Yes I will.

Who last texted you? Ellen.

Are you texting anyone right now? I mean, Ellen hasn’t responded to what I said and I guess I could continue the convo with Kayla buuuuttttttttt I’m lazy.

Have you held hands with somebody in the past four days? Yes.

Who makes you the happiest? My niece.

Have you ever let someone be your everything? My niece is my everything.

Do you have more guy friends or girl friends? Girl. 

Did you like your middle school life? Lol.

Is your hair up or down right now? Down.

How is your day going so far? It’s alright. Nothing special and nothing horrible.

What are you doing tomorrow? Working and then maybe packing up some more stuff and bringing it to the apartment.

What’s your favorite color? Purple. 

Do you believe that everyone deserves a second chance? Nope.

Once a cheater, always a cheater? No.

What kind of mood are you in? I’m a little annoyed at this wireless mouse.

Your ex tells you they want you back, what do you say/do? Irrelevant. 

Do you have someone you can talk to anything about & it wont be awkward? Yeah.

Do you cry a lot? Lately.

Are you someone who loves having fun? Yeah, of course.

Do others judge you? I’m sure.

Does it matter? Nope, their opinion of me is none of my business. 

Do you care too much/not at all/just enough? I care enough.

First thing you do when you wake up in the morning? Check the time, or pet my cat who is usually there when I wake up.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night? I don’t remember.

Are you legal to drink? Yes. I have been for awhile.

What color shirt are you wearing? It’s grey.

What are you saving your money up for right now? House things and rent.

Is there any chance you will kiss the person you have feelings for? Everyday.

Could you go out in public looking like you do now? Yeah I’m technically in public. 

Do you have any jewelry on? I do.

Are you in a relationship? Yes.

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a J, S, Z, N, L? J and L.

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted? I have not.

Do you think people think bad things about you? Like I mentioned earlier, I don’t really care.

Will you be in a relationship next month? Yeah.

What pissed you off yesterday? I was pretty happy all day actually.

Have you kissed more than ten people this year? Nope, just the one.

Think of your last two kisses, were they with the same person? Yes.

Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off? I take them off.

Today, did you see ’that someone’ who makes you smile? I didn’t see my niece today but I will see Mark tonight.

Can you honestly say you’re okay right now? Nah, I’m annoyed and overwhelmed.

Is anything bothering you? ^

If the last person you kissed, saw you kissing someone else, would they be mad? Oh yeah. I wouldn’t do that, though.

Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yes.

Do you know anyone that smokes weed? Yes.

Are you missing someone? I am. Everyday.

What was the first thing you did this morning? Snuggled back into Mark’s arms until 6.

The last person you kissed calls you. What are they calling you for? I would be super worried if he did that since we never call each other.

Do you have a Facebook? Yes.

When was the first time you kissed the last person you kissed? July 24, 2011.

What does your last text say? "Yeah, I can definitely see that”

Who was the last person to text you? Kayla.

Who was your last phone text before you went to sleep last night? Ellen.

Last person you kissed? Mark.

In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a guy? I live with a guy, so.

You’re locked in a room with the person you last kissed, problems? No. I wouldn’t exactly be too happy about being locked in a room though. 

Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Yes.

Was you last kiss drunk or sober? Sober.

Where do you wish you were right now? At my apartment sitting on MY NEW COUCH.

Do you think high school relationships can last? Some do.

Does anyone have feelings for you right now? Yes.

Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around? Yes.

Is there someone you wanna date? No. I am engaged.

Why did you stop liking the last person you liked? Before Mark? He was a dick.

Do you like to be called babe or baby more? Mark calls me both. I like babe better though.

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Yes.

Is there one person you look at and automatically smile? Yes.

What is the last song you heard? I’m blanking right now.

Do you hate being the first person to start a conversation? Not always.

Is it okay if you kiss people when you’re single? Of course.

Do you have alcohol in your house? Yeah.

Have you ever kissed someone whose name starts with an S or a C? Nope.

Has someone smacked your butt in the past week? Yup.

Last place you fell asleep other than your bed? The couch in my dad’s basement.

Are you nice to everyone? I think so.

Was your last kiss, standing up, sitting down, or laying down? He was laying down and I was knelt down next to him.

Do you like horror or comedy? Comedy. 

Will your next kiss be a mistake? Nope.

Do you think you’ll have a Valentine this year? Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and I did. 

Do you like someone whose name that starts with a B, K, C, J, D, Z, N, X, R? Nope.

[ringpopbitch]

Do all the evens!

i ignored this cause i wasn’t feeling it but now i am

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? spotify duh 

what color are your eyes? browwwwnnnnnwhat is your relationship status? in one ig and i just realized i started doing the odd ones so shit rip fuck i’ll just start evens from here on out

describe your personality in 3 words or less annoying demanding longingwhat kind of car do you drive? color? a kia it’s red how would you describe your style? either super girly or super don’t care what size bed do you have? a queenif you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? uhhh europe duh 

favorite makeup brand(s) the ones i can cry in and make me look less ugly and fuck it i’m just gonna do the rest cause deleting every other one is getting annoying

how many times a week do you shower? errrrrrrr like 5 hopefully

favorite tv show? grey’s anatomy

shoe size? 8 

how tall are you? 5′5 

sandals or sneakers? sneakers 

do you go to the gym? i rlly rlly rlly should 

describe your dream date one that’s adventure and i don’t have to decide what to do 

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? none unless u count what’s attached to my debit card 

what color socks are you wearing? none 

how many pillows do you sleep with? 5 or 7 

do you have a job? what do you do? i work retail currently foldin all dem clothes 

how many friends do you have? 0 and everyone always goes oh well you have “x y and z” like no. i don’t have friends i have felt like i had friends i would say i had friends. ok. 

whats the worst thing you have ever done? a lot 

whats your favorite candle scent? the red ones 

3 favorite boy names groot but jk if i have a boy i’m giving it back 

3 favorite girl names samantha, annika, idk what else i like boring names 

favorite actor? idk 

favorite actress? the pretty ones 

who is your celebrity crush? idk 

favorite movie? idk

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? i used to but not anymore 

money or brains? brains ig 

do you have a nickname? what is it? ally 

how many times have you been to the hospital? 2 or 3 times 

top 10 favorite songs no 

do you take any medications daily? birth control 

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) gross w freckles 

what is your biggest fear? shootings and dying 

how many kids do you want? like 2 maybe just 1 

whats your go to hair style? if i brush it just down if i don’t brush it i put it in a sloppy bun where it’s really obvious i didn’t brush my hair 

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) medium 

who is your role model? my old trainer tho i kinda hate her now so 

what was the last compliment you received? my roommate from this past year sent me a snapchat and said i’m so pretty and i damn near cried 

what was the last text you sent? “it’s about to storm so be careful” to my sister lmao 

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? i don’t remember 

what is your dream car? i want another BMW preferably a blue one 

opinion on smoking? u do u but if smoke weed be responsible about shit like driving 

do you go to college? yes 

what is your dream job? QUESTION OF THE YEAR probably doctor of some kind or just riding horses 

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? rural or city but not suburbs

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? fuck yes 

do you have freckles? so many 

do you smile for pictures? not for selfies but for other pictures yes 

how many pictures do you have on your phone? 1003 

have you ever peed in the woods? yes 

do you still watch cartoons? no 

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? mcdonalds but i like wendy’s fries better 

Favorite dipping sauce? honey fucking mustard 

what do you wear to bed? shorts and whatever shirt i wore that day unless it’s completely gross 

have you ever won a spelling bee? i’ve  never even been in a spelling bee 

what are your hobbies? riding horses and writing emo poems and watching grey’s 

can you draw? noooo 

do you play an instrument? i used to play guitar 

what was the last concert you saw? errrr i don’t remember i think it was the wonder years 

tea or coffee? coffee 

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? ok so like dunkin donuts for food but their cappachishfoksdalfh things aren’t that good and starbucks has frappes but mcdonald’s frappes trump starbucks frappes so the real answer here is all 

do you want to get married? yea 

what is your crush’s first and last initial? TF igggggg

are you going to change your last name when you get married? only if their last name is better than mine 

what color looks best on you? idk 

do you miss anyone right now? gettin sappy in here 

do you sleep with your door open or closed? closed i don’t take chances w the demons 

do you believe in ghosts? yes 

what is your biggest pet peeve? that stupid sound that only travis can make that’s like “lump” or whatever 

last person you called` the chinese place 

favorite ice cream flavor? strawberry 

regular oreos or golden oreos? regular 

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? rainbowwwww

what shirt are you wearing? a shirt from my sister’s church that isn’t even mine 

what is your phone background? some aesthetic shit 

are you outgoing or shy? depends on who i’m around 

do you like it when people play with your hair? yessss

do you like your neighbors? idk them at all

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? in the shower 

have you ever been high? yes 

have you ever been drunk? yes 

last thing you ate? fried rice that made me stomach hurt

favorite lyrics right now “SHE LOOKED OVER HER SHOULDER AND FOR A MINUTE I WAS STONE COLD SOBER” i’m such a girl honestly and also anything from hamilton 

summer or winter? ok i’m gonna say the winter but if it drops below 55 degrees i lose my shit 

day or night? idk lmao 

dark, milk, or white chocolate? milk all the way 

favorite month? october duhhhh except for midterms maybe november instead 

what is your zodiac sign picses 

who was the last person you cried in front of? me myself and i cause i was mad at my mom lmao 

[ohdeargodnotyouagain]

Brain Dump @ 4:30 in the F’ AM.

My Issues

So I started wanting to write a book several years ago and never got around to it. This isn't one of those posts that talk about 'oh whoa is me' but one of those 'hey I notice this shit and I'm working it out in my big fat brain how to fix it'.

For years I've been told I'm a good writer. I wrote a continuation of the Great Gatsby for a final paper in high school- didn't finish it mind you- but turned in what I had and had the teacher tell me she cried about how beautiful written it was. Not tooting my own horn either.

But then WHY, why in the HELL, do I have so many issues with getting my own book published? I've narrowed them down roughly...

1) No motivation. I love starting things. I've gotten hundreds of ideas- started compelling and interesting series. Only thing is that I lose the will to finish them usually two to three chapters from getting to the end of it. I can't tell you how many times I literally three chapters from completing a HIGHLY reviewed, three part series and I just drop it and NEVER look at it again. I've done that EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

2) Though that's my biggest problem, I have others. "Oh Shit"... yeah, I know. So my second problem is thinking I'm not good enough to be published. Which- jesus fucking christ- I've had people tell me for YEARS that I could write. Teachers. Parents. Friends. Strangers on the internet that have read fiction works from when I was 12 (Insert physical cringe here) up to my current age of 22. Now don't start that shit that I'm young and I have plenty of time ahead of me. People use that as a fucking crutch if I've ever seen one. You say that your entire life and then when you get to that ripe ass age of 60, you wonder where the fuck your life has gone and ruin your life trying to do those things you missed out on as a kid. Anyway, why the fuck do I not think I'm good enough to write the next great novel? Why do I have issues with this SO BADLY that it probably contributes to problem 1?

3) I can't be straight. Or gay. Or romantic. Or horrific. Or gory- or- or- o- Shut the fuck UP BRIAN THE BRAIN. I tend to jump across multiple genres. Probably because I'm so everywhere in real life that I look at one topic and think "Meh, I'm gonna get bored with this so I need to be OUTLANDISH" as possible to stay interested in it. FALSE. I've recently discovered I have a really good knack for horror. Surprise surprise, if my horrific childhood wasn't enough funsies for me already.

4) I have recently come to terms that I have badshit crazy RAGING depression. So I'll fully admit, I smoked weed since April 2016. I fucking LOVED it. I could write, run, smile, and basically be a normal human being. But I was hiding it like crazy and did too much at times. I lost some friends, gained some not so good ones. Never told my mother who I lived with- so like, damn, how did she not know? But I ended up telling her during Hurricane Irma. My bad. Anyway, she told me I had to get a medical license and toss the shit out. And so I did out of respect. Now a month sober... I'm losing my goddamn mind. My panic attacks are back, the fits of rage, the depression so bad I just want to decompose into my bed and the not eating. (Insert the slow clap for myself here). Anyway, I can afford the medical license but here is the problem. The doctor I have to go to every 45 days is like five hours away and my only transport is a literal bicycle or my two god given feet. Also I can't afford health insurance for working 50+ hours a week. Go me. Anyway, this isn't a pity party, I'm literally just talking shit out with myself at the moment so bare with my rambling. This helped when I was high so I'm blasting music and recreating this shit. Anyway, so I admitted I had a problem. Not only is my doctor far away but I also have been SO SCARED to admit I had a problem (Plus felt that I would be admitting defeat if I admitted it...) that I was never officially diagnosed except by some halfwit therapists after the domestic violence when I was a kid. All of them said the same shit. PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Mild Dissociation. Like what the ever loving fuck does that mean? Moving on, mother dearest suggested I should go to the doctor, explain that I've had these issues since I've been fucking 13 and I need to have a record of it. Thank you Doctor Robert Duff for making an awesome audible book too- that convinced me in the first place that oh shit I need to see somebody about this before I got off the deep end more than I already fucking am. I have been self managing for years and it's taken a turn for the worse around the time I hit 19. It's been 2 years of batshit crazy- and that's why I turned to weed. Which was great but no longer an option. Yay. Anyway, hopefully this new FDA (laughing) approved medicine will help until I can get to Colorado at the end of June.

5) Back to writing. Another thing that might be fucking me up is that I'm an EXTREMELY organized person. You should see my house. My writing may be scatter brained but I have my hair products organized by shape, size and color. So is my furniture and my pillows. And clothing and... you get it. So is my work now that I think about it- it makes me great at my job as a clerk. I've been working on this for a while now and I think it's also the environment. I'm not trying to make up excuses either. Oh my environment is bad, oh my depression is killing me not softly- NO. MY HOUSE IS A DISASTER AND I CANT CHANGE IT. After Hurricane Irma my apartment GOT FUCKED. So pretty much my entire area is either plastic bagged, boxed, or strown because I sold a lot of my furniture to try to move out of here fast-esh at the end of June. Cause fuck loading up a huge truck. Nope. Fuck off. I think it's contributing to my sjfpoahfoseurhgieuhrgoeruhgeorugh-ness.

Okay that's all the tired brain can think of right now. Also I'm up at fucking 4 in the god damned morning typing this trying to silence a hyper brain who is just like MAKE A POST ABOUT THIS TO ORGANIZE THOUGHTS. It kinda did in a way. Still miss weed. Still miss writing. But now I can work on this.

First I need to get my meds. Hopefully. And stick to them. I need to break the bad habit of not finishing things. I need to either fix my environment or move out. End of June. I need to let go of attachments and put more on Craigslist. There is no use in me freaking out about all the things I have to do right now. I need to just keep my damn pants on and focus on the goal. And hell, I might even publish a book.

Thanks for listening.