#ok like. men who are attracted to men and trans women can reclaim it. that's it. that's my point. that's many people's points

[babycakelings]

You know, I’m going to go on a rant about real queer people again because kids somehow don’t get it.

The real world does not follow the standards you see online. That’s just the truth. Online you see people making sexuality and gender very clear cut. “If your attracted to this you are this, if you like this you can’t possibly be this,” and while that is great for finding your own community and support when the real world is cruel or unaccepting, it is not realistic either.

In the real world, the adult queer world, you will come across gay men and lesbians who sometimes sleep with the opposite sex, and they will identify as fully homosexual. They will have their reasons for it, they might come from a small town where there’s normally no options of the same sex, they might be homo romantic and bisexual but only identify as the homo part, they might come from a generation where bisexuality didn’t exist and they still just prefer to use their old labels. They will all have a reason, but it is not actually you business as to demand a reason why, or tell them their actually bisexual. They will confuse your ideas of sexuality, and then they will leave and continue to exist elsewhere.

You will come across trans people who don’t pass, and they don’t mind that. You will come across trans men who’ve never had surgery and don’t wear binders. You will come across trans women who have a beard and still speak with a deep voice. You will find trans men who use the woman’s bathroom and sleep with lesbians, and trans women who do the opposite. You will find most people in real life, don’t actually care. You’ll find bigotry is less common then general confusion, that most people have good intentions and even the most religious people you will ever meet are more open minded then the internet makes them out to be.

You’ll find sometimes other queer people are the most open bigoted around. You’ll find gay people who don’t believe they should be allowed to marry or adopt. You’ll find gay Christian’s who believe it’s a sin. You’ll find gay parents who disown their own child for being gay. You’ll find transgender people who try to make it harder for others like them or say that it you don’t have exactly the right experience then your not actually trans. You’ll find we don’t all agree and that sometimes it isn’t even clear who is right.

You’ll find queer people say slurs and can be racist or horrible too. You’ll hear people trying to reclaim their own slurs. You’ll hear about queer parents and poly relationships that work well. You’ll hear about cross dressers also being trans. You’ll hear about people saying their bi then realising at 56 their actually gay. You’ll find the sexuality is more fluid then the Internet makes it out to be. You’ll find that the real world is a complex place with so many other people who you can’t just block out or yell at if you disagree with.

You’ll find what you believe to be true is broken a bit, and that’s ok. Just stop getting so fixated on binaries or right and wrong and everything becomes a lot easier.

[tvranny]

.

[thedreadvampy]

Sorry it's Slur Discourse On Main time again and like. I'm not even sure if this is still an argument people make. to me it feels very 2015. but I was thinking on my way home yesterday about the argument "you can't reclaim that slur bc it's misplaced homophobia".

you know that one? like "bi women can't call themselves dykes bc dyke is a lesbophobic slur and any lesbophobia bi women face is mistaken and misplaced because they're not lesbians."

or "trans women can't call themselves fags because fag is a slur against gay men and trans women aren't men so they have no right to it"

and this has always got my back up bc like. apart from this continued insistence that that kind of specificity matters at all to bigots (which is endemic to slur discourse tbh. this idea that your personal identity, rather than your experience or how people read you, is the ultimate decider of How You're Treated). like. no it isn't misplaced, is it?

it's true that a bi woman isn't a lesbian, but "dyke" in this context is thrown at her and people like her because she is attracted to women. it's not a case of mistaken identity. the person calling her a dyke doesn't need to be under the misapprehension that she's not attracted to men because they hate her on the basis of her attraction to women.

a trans woman isn't a gay man, and the person calling her a fag doesn't need to think she's a gay man or know her to like men, because in this context the word fag is being used not to describe sexuality but failure to be a man correctly.

the thing that the person is throwing the slur at you about is true of you. It's not a case of mistaken identity, it's a case of correct identity and different uses of the same word in different contexts - "dyke" can mean 'person I hate for liking women', 'person I hate for being unavailable to men' and/or 'person I hate for refusing to be a woman correctly,' in varying amounts depending on context, target and who's saying it. same with other homophobic slurs like fag or poof or queer.

bc the social construction of homophobia is not as specific as the identity of homosexuality. homophobia is about punishment for conscious deviation from a cishet norm. and who's included in your sexuality, who's excluded from your sexuality, how you present and how you relate to gender are all aspects of homophobia. bc homophobia is fundamentally about enforcing gendered systems of power.

and there's an appreciable and meaningful difference between "this lesbophobia is misplaced because its target is a straight cis woman with short hair" and "this lesbophobia is misplaced because its target is a bi woman/nonbinary person/trans man and not a lesbian" bc like.

it is not the case that the threat implied by "dyke" (being unusually outside of the sexual and gendered social order) is true of a cishet woman in a pageboy haircut and jeans - she's no more likely to disrupt the sexual or gender-rigid norms of society than any other cishet woman by dint of her haircut.

but if you call a bi woman a dyke for fucking women, you're not misreading the threat you're responding to - she is actively disrupting gendered sexual norms. she's fucking women and you're calling her a Duke for fucking women.

if you call a trans woman a fag, you're responding to her demonstrating that you can be amab and Not A Manly Man and be ok with that - you're responding to the threat she poses to the structure of gendered power. even if you know she's a woman exclusively into women (and transphobes do fucking know that trans women aren't men or they wouldn't treat them like they treat Women They Hate) you're still mentally categorising her as A Queer bc of her antagonistic relationship to cisheteromasculinity.

and this isn't to make some kind of argument about the correctness of homophobic hate speech. obviously.

but it kind of has been driving me insane for like a decade that people treat homophobia leveled against people who aren't LG but are BT+ as if it's. an accident. collateral damage. as if, if people understood that you Were Not In Fact A Lesbian/A Gay Man, they would be like "no sorry we didn't mean you we meant The Gays"

they did mean you. they can know you are bi or trans or nb and the thing they hate you for. the disruption of the expected gendered and sexual order. is still true.

and for fuck's sake not to crack the whole other can of worms marked People Are Stupid As Fuck About Slur Reclamation but. slur reclamation is about reclaiming the truth underlying the vitriol that's thrown at you and saying YEP THIS RELATES TO WHO I AM AND THAT'S A GOOD THING. THAT'S A THING I OWN.

and like. if a bi woman wants to call herself a dyke because after having that word thrown at her and others like her for fucking women, she's saying "YEP I FUCK WOMEN, BITE ME" like. why is that less meaningful than a lesbian doing the same?

if a trans woman wants to call herself both a dyke bc she's proud to be a woman who fucks women and a fag bc she's proud to reclaim the Terrifying Insubordination of being an AMAB person who refuses to apologise for not being Correctly Manly, what the fuck is wrong with that.

you know like. experience matters. lived reality matters. if I as a bi woman call myself a dyke I'm not saying 'there's no difference between me and a lesbian' I'm saying 'my experience of being attacked and shamed for my attraction to women is a part of my life and I remain proud of that attraction'. I'm finding the thing in myself that inspired hate and choosing to love it. which is the point of slur reclamation.

[alcyone-est-regina]

can i reclaim this slur?

d//ke:

only women who are attracted to other women can use this slur. it has historically been used to degrade the womanhood of sapphics because of being sexually unavailable to men, and to make wlw feel like less of women.

f//g and f//ggot:

only men who are attracted to other men can reclaim this one. it is, and historically has been, used to degrade mlm’s masculinity, and make them seem less manly for being same-gender attracted.

q//eer

you can only reclaim this slur if you experience same-gender attraction (being lesbian, gay, or bi) and/or gender incongruence (being trans/non-binary). this slur has been used historically to make lgbt people seem weird and different — because that’s exactly what the word means.

it is never ok to say a slur you cannot reclaim. and even if you can use one, you should never use it to describe anyone else (unless they’ve told you they’re ok with it). yes, that includes calling the lgbt community the “q//eer community.” please don’t.

[bondsmagii]

what embarassing/annoying things lgbt people do online? I dont spend a lot of time on the internet outside of my niche so im genuinely curious

god where do I even start… to be honest I’ve always been wary of communities in general because personal experience has taught me that things get weird fast, but I’ve never seen anything quite like LGBT circles online. some of the things I notice fairly frequently:

making everything about being LGBT to a freaky level; I just don’t think it’s healthy to have your gender and/or sexuality be your entire personality

related to this, making everything the x experience – the gay experience, the trans experience, etc. many of the things mentioned are things that everyone experiences, and most disturbingly, many of the things lauded as the x experience are actually symptoms of extreme trauma (feeling like there’s something inherently wrong with you, feeling lonely, constantly yearning but not knowing for what, etc). even if this trauma is related to your being LGBT, it isn’t healthy and people shouldn’t be accepting it as normal and encouraging it in others. trauma isn’t natural.

the top/bottom thing. like. ugh. I’m a dude in a relationship with another dude so this really makes me uncomfortable. the importance put on if someone is a top or a bottom, assigning personality traits to people based on this, saying stupid shit like “bottoms can’t park” or whatever, and just the extreme fascination with if someone is a top or a bottom… it’s very fetishising. even if people are talking about themselves, that’s still a detail of your sexual life that I do not want to know. it’s not appropriate to talk like that in front of strangers.

going on from this, how overly sexual a large chunk of the community seems to be. it’s not appropriate. I know this one isn’t LGBT specific, but in my personal experiences my straight/cis friends do not talk like this, but if someone finds out I’m LGBT too, they seem to think it’s fine to start talking in detail about their sex life/ask me invasive questions about mine. it’s not fine.

the really fetishising treatment of male/male couples even in the LGBT community is really… not good. my relationship isn’t a cute commodity that only exists for your fandoms.

the misandry is absolutely atrocious. lesbians are out there thinking it’s fine to declare men useless just because they don’t need us for sex; bi women are out there lamenting the fact they’re attracted to us disgusting men and why couldn’t they just be a lesbian. I’ve even seen bi women say they’re going to just ignore their attraction to men and choose women, perpetrating harmful myths that a) you can choose your sexuality and b) bisexuals are just faking and are capable of just “picking a side”.

the community has an extreme problem with policing one another and a lot of issues that they spend time and energy debating are pointless and just stupid, if I’m honest.

the fact that vehement hate is seen as OK so long as it’s directed against straight, cis people. it’s not.

the fact that cis, straight people can’t even mention the above point without being ripped apart, ridiculed, harrassed, insulted, and threatened is also not OK.

the diluting of actual important terms. “transphobia” and “homophobia” grow murkier by the day; people are being accused of these incredibly serious prejudices over stupid Tumblr arguments that rarely have anything to do with actual issues or aggressions.

the idea that if you’re LGBT you’re automatically free of blame, innocent, can do no wrong, etc. there are nasty people of every gender and sexuality. you’re not except from being abusive, oppressive, etc just because you yourself are a minority.

the fact that people out there reclaiming “queer” think they can call everyone in the LGBT community “queer” and if someone protests they’re “speaking over” them or setting back the movement or whatever. I have no problem if you identify that way, but I am not queer. I’m bi.

at least on this website it’s L rather than LGBT: ➡ gay men are shat on almost as badly as straight men, unless they’re trans, and then they’re treated like cute uwu transboys who are somehow exempt from the hatred levelled at cis men, proving that these people don’t see them as “real” men. ➡bi people (if acknowledged as bi and not just the umbrella term “gay”) suffer from a whole lot of internal prejudices, with bi women being seen/encouraged to be “lesbians” and bi men just not fucking mentioned at all. also we’re usually completely forgotten about; characters can’t be bi, they have to be gay (and shipping them with a member of the opposite sex is seen as “erasure”) or they’re straight. ➡ trans people get incredible amounts of transphobia within the community from cis LGBT people; trans men, as mentioned above, aren’t treated as “real” men and are seen as Men Lite™, and the arguments for this (that they don’t share the same chemical biology as men; that they were “raised as girls”) are transphobic and also dysphoric as hell. trans women get shit from all sides and there’s an incredible TERF problem in the community, especially among lesbians. 

basically everyone is infighting, perpetrating harmful myths, speaking over people, forcing adherence to behaviours many might not be comfortable with, and generally being generalising, inappropriate, and wholly embarrassing. the way the community has got on over the last few years alone has probably set the movement back a decade.

[women-only]

I'm sorry it came out really long I'm gonna send it by pieces we humans are split into these categories              M: male          and             F:        female these categories have different identites: M: can be man (gc or gnc) , diasphoric man, diasphoric man who had transitioned (trans women) F: can be woman (gc or gnc) , diasphoric woman, diasphoric woman who had transitioned (trans men). I'll send the rest

(other messages are under the keep reading)

now about sexualities: if someone is attracted to opposite category (regalredess of identity) : heterosexual someone attracted to people within the same category (regardless of identity) homosexuality      if it's within category M :gay      if it's within category F: lesbian *someone attracted to both categories (regardless of identity) : bisexual.

ps. some hot takes. *pansexuality is bisexuality with extra steps you're not special you're just pretentious *if you're NOT sexually attracted to any category but have romantic feelings you're ace (so just replace sexuality with romantic suffix in identities that fits you) *if you're ace and HETERO romantic you're not part of the LGBT cause you don't face any oppression for "not wanting to fuck but occasionally falling in love" if you do it's more likely because of your sex.

if you're ace and HETERO romantic you're not part of the LGBT cause you don't face any oppression for "not wanting to fuck but occasionally falling in love" if you do it's more likely because of your sex. example: that ace woman who was killed by her bf because sadly male entitlement to women's bodies is a thing. *ace homo/bi romantic people don't need the A since they're already in the L/G/B (and i read somewhere that it used to mean Ally

* q**r is a slur and explains nothing about you, having it in the LGBT acronym adds nothing (and I'm pretty sure the Q was meant to mean Questioning) also you never see someone refer to a black historical figure as "n***** icon" so why does the expression "q**** icon" exist to describe people who probably heard it as an insult their whole life till the day they died.

hey this is the anon who posted multiple times I'm trying to finish my thread since Tumblr only allows 5 anon asks per hour and i don't feel comfortable with public . . . reclaiming a slur means other people can't even pronounce it that's why lesbian don't say f*g and gay men can't say d*ke. if you wanna use it on yourself good but don't normalize people outside of the lgbt using it so freely and casually and if someone from the LGBT doesn't like you using it on them they're more than valid.

*if you having sex with your s/o can make human babies you're not homo anything. *if you're in a heterosexual relationship but both of you are bi you're part of the LGBT as individuals not a couple. and that's ok *bisexuals don't stop being bisexuals if they're in het or homo relationship. *gay is not an umbrella term. *puberty blockers = bad *transitioning kids = child abuse *doctors who see dysphoric people as a cash grab are scum *being non binary doesn't make any sense just say you're gnc

* I don't know much about intersex but I'm pretty sure it's just used by people to push their agendas and people rarely care like they should be about intersex people the T used to mean transvestite not Trangender .... and "straight" Ts are already either the L or G and if they're heterosexual Ts then don't face oppression because of sexuality per say so the T doesn't really fit now nowadays especially since people are more open to ppl wearing unconventional clothes

and the T of now compared to the rest of the letters doesn't fit (the first are about sexuality and the last is about expression) the T before belonged because it challenged the norms (and most of people from it belong to 2 letters in the LGBT) but since those norms have changed. *the T now should stand on its own as a movement (and occasionally intertwine with the LBG when it fits)

people deny sex based oppression but i find it ironic that in the T the only voices you hear are trans women especially "transbians" aka straight males and trans men are pushed to the side and degraded on a sex based level (example threats f**ced impregnation and stuff) and their only achievements that reach the news are pregnancy. trans women are given positions women position but trans men get nothing.

continued... people saying drop the T doesn't mean stop caring about trans people altogether or deny them basic human rights. but you can't sit around and let someone hijack your movement guilty trip you into sleeping with them. make you feel like a bigot for who you're sexually attracted to, work on erasing you. like you don't see white people representing the BLM (and they shouldn't) they can only support it as allies....

Segway back to pansexuality I said it somewhere else but here we go pan works in fictional settings especially sci-fi or fantasy let me explain by giving an example: SpongeBob aka the first time i heard about the term pan spongebob is a fucking taking sponge and interacts with different species within that universe like obviously his sexuality isn't gonna be limited to the human sex binary (some cartoons do but you get what i mean)....

same goes for loki who is pan and gender bending like duh the fucker not only ISN'T human he can switch to any entity, object, animal and shit the lore of marvel has living robots mutants gods animals spirits, pretty sure he gave birth to a horse once having someone attracted to personality makes sense then end of rant i just wanna say thanks for letting me post here and sorry for posting so much it ended up being 4.5k letters oof p.s if any ask was submitted publicly please make them anonymous

-------------------------------------------------

everything you said is absolutely true and you summed it all up well. it creeps me out when people label fictional characters as pan or ace or trans because not only is pan and ace not a real fucking thing, neither are those characters. idk its just creepy. 

thank you for taking the time to write this ll out and send it over to me. im happy to read anything else you have to say :) sorry i dont have much to say about all this i dont have the ability right now to think critically. 

[skeleton-bat]

Since I can’t reblog this and so I’m assuming @bullyfemme blocked me here’s my answer since you just wanted to have the last word as some sorta gotcha.

It’s a reach because you base all this off nothing you just see it and make an assumption withought actually getting to know the roots.

Game grumps are not 100% unproblematic no one and nothing is. I can still enjoy some content and media that is problematic. People can and do still like actors or singers or fictional problematic media and I can still acknowledge that the grumps arnt absolutely perfect and can still like some of their stuff. It’s not like they’re pewdiepie or Logan Paul and it’s not like I’m supporting pewdiepie or Logan.

First off I have hearts BEFORE parts. I’m tired of everyone misreading that. And the reason that I a trans person have that is because I believe people should be attracted to and want to date someone for who they are first and foremost before anything else and yes that also includes parts. I think this phrase should be used by everyone but I also know some people have a genitalia preference so it’s not like I’m gonna force people to use this phrase. This is a personal choice of mine as a trans person to reclaim a somewhat transphobic phrase and use it for myself personally. Also you’re not allowed to gate keep a phrase that had a history related to trans people.

It is a fictional nonsensical book. It’s not like I quoted from mein kampf. Also as someone who suffers from their own fair share of mental illnesses and diseases I think it’s ok since it makes me feel better in terms of not feeling so alone with how I feel.

Also idk what you mean by interesting reblog since there’s a strange amount. But are you saying that a drawing of a man in a skirt with hair clips is transphobic because men can’t wear ‘women’s clotheing’

[satans-tiddies]

reclaiming a slur means using it for yourself. you can't just say calling other people queer without their permission (incl. using it as a blanket term) is ok just because it "has a history of being reclaimed", that doesn't change that it's a slur. it's no different from the f slur. how is some people being fine with it more important than the people who are Not fine with it? if you forcefully call OTHERS the word, thats not reclaiming it, it's just calling others a slur

I assume you’re talking about this post. Well done on missing the entire point, I guess?

Let’s see how your ask holds up when we replace queer with another reclaimed homophobic slur: gay.

reclaiming a slur means using it for yourself. you can’t just say calling other people gay without their permission (incl. using it as a blanket term) is ok just because it “has a history of being reclaimed”, that doesn’t change that it’s a slur. it’s no different from the f slur. how is some people being fine with it more important than the people who are Not fine with it? if you forcefully call OTHERS gay, thats not reclaiming it, it’s just calling others a slur

Oh no, no one is allowed to say “they gay community” anymore because you might accidentally include men attracted exclusively to men who don’t identify as gay! /sarcasm

If you want the long-form, researched and sourced answer to your frankly insulting, asinine ask, it’s under the readmore, but tl;dr:

When I say “queer people”, I am (shockingly enough) referring to people who identify as queer.

If you don’t identify as queer, I am not talking about you.

If you’re going to police queer people about their identity because it’s a slur, but not any of the other IDs that are also reclaimed slurs (gay, bisexual, fag, etc.) or that have a pathological history (homosexual, lesbian, trans, etc.), all you’re telling me is that you’re being hypocritical and perpetuating exclusionist/REG/radfem rhetoric.

I have never directly called specific people “queer” if they hadn’t let me know that they aren’t uncomfortable being called that, so I must conclude that:

You’re telling me that I cannot use “queer” as an umbrella term for my community.

Even though it is the most widely preferred umbrella term among LGBTQ+ individuals.

Even though there IS a community that calls itself “the queer community”, which has ideological, political and historical distinctions from the “gay rights movement” and “LGBT”, and includes people who are openly uncomfortable with being called “gay” or “LGBT”.

Fine. Dandy. But what do you propose I use as a blanket term instead?

“LGBT” is a popular acronym, but it’s highly limiting. Only four letters. But that’s not the only issue here. Do you see the G in LGBT? G as in “gay”? If you sent me this incredibly ignorant ask, you’re probably not aware that it is also a reclaimed slur.

The biggest irony is that the “queer is a slur, use gay instead” sentiment has already happened in the past, but in reverse. “Queer” was adopted by American MLM in the early 20th century because they considered “fairy”, “invert” and “gay” too derogatory. Like the other two, “gay” had connotations of prostitution, promiscuity and “deviant” gender expression.

What inevitably happened is that mainstream American culture picked up on this and started using “queer” as an insult instead.

When people started to mobilize under the word “gay” in the 1930′s-60’s, older queer men expressed their disapproval at a younger generation, who hadn’t been targeted by the word “gay” as an insult, using it as an identity. They disapproved of the names “gay rights movement” and “gay community”. BUT, they recognized that it was important for the new gay generation, and didn’t throw hissy fits when it became the new popular term. 

The term gay began to catch on in the 1930s, and itsprimacy was consolidated during the war. By the late 1940s, younger gay men were chastising oldermen who still used queer, which the younger men now regarded as demeaning. As Will Finch, whocame out into the gay world of Times Square in the 1930s, noted in his diary in 1951, “The word‘queer’ is becoming [or coming to be regarded as] more and more derogatory and [is] less and lessused by hustlers and trade and the homosexual, especially the younger ones, and the term ‘gay’ [is]taking its place. I loathe the word, and stick to ‘queer,’ but am constantly being reproved, especiallyin so denominating myself.”

Younger men rejected queer as a pejorative name that others had given them, which highlightedtheir difference from other men. Even though many “queers” had also rejected the effeminacy of thefairies, younger men were well aware that in the eyes of straight men their “queerness” hinged ontheir supposed gender deviance. In the 1930s and 1940s, a series of press campaigns claiming thatmurderous “sex deviates” threatened the nation’s women and children gave “queerness” an even moresinister and undesirable set of connotations. In calling themselves gay, a new generation of meninsisted on the right to name themselves, to claim their status as men, and to reject the “effeminate”styles of the older generation. Some men, especially older ones like Finch, continued to prefer queerto gay, in part because of gay’s initial association with the fairies. Younger men found it easier toforget the origins of gay in the campy banter of the very queens whom they wished to reject.

—George Chauncey, 1994. Gay New York: Gender, Urban Culture, and the Making of the Gay Male World, p.19 (emphasis mine).

Some older gay people who were hurt by “queer” are uncomfortable with being called “queer”. But older queer people—as well as younger ones like me—were hurt by “gay”, and some of us are also uncomfortable with being called “gay”. (I’m not, but I personally know some guys who are.)

Oh, did you forget the entirety of the 2000’s, when the use of “gay” as a slur by homophobes was so frequent and widespread that there were entire awareness campaigns to try to cut that shit out? I remember. I remember very vividly, because in all the traumatic incidents of homophobic violence I faced, the word that was shouted at me was “gay”.

Not to mention that the word “bisexual” used to not even refer to sexuality, but to intersex people. It was used in a similarly deriding way as “hermaphrodite”. And yet, it was adopted for an entirely different purpose.

Your assertion that queer “is no different from the f slur” is also funny to me as someone who hangs around cis gay men a lot. It seems that you’re completely oblivious to the enormous number of guys who call themselves and their peers “fags”. It’s commonplace. If you wander around cis gay male Tumblr, you can see dozens of blogs doing this.

“Fag” and “faggot” are considered by most to be much more inflammatory than “queer” (you yourself used it as an example of a bad word you shouldn’t use at other people!), but…where are all the people going to “fag” blogs and saying “don’t you know that f*g is a slur?”.

Oh, right. You only bother to attack “queer” because it specifically benefits people who aren’t white, conformist, perisex cis gays and lesbians.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s run down a list of alternative umbrella terms, since you find a reclaimed slur so offensive.

Oops, “LGBT” features a reclaimed slur. Same for variations of it.

“Gay community” ah damn, again.

“QUILTBAG” hell, it has at least two.

“MOGAI” checks out, no reclaimed slurs! But if I use this, internet exclusionists and anti-queers such as yourself will rip me to shreds.

It seems that I cannot find a single umbrella term that won’t offend anyone.

I have a proposal for you: when I call myself queer, and say “queer people” or “queer community, whoever doesn’t identify as queer can quietly exclude themselves. I am not talking about you. Queer people who don’t want to be called “gay” or “LGBT” already do this all the time, when people say “gay community” or “LGBT community”.

Stop listening to radical feminists and LG separatists for Christ’s sake.

And if you’re going to continue going to queer people’s inboxes to tell them that their identity is so dirty that they have to keep it as a dirty secret all to themselves, stop being a raging hypocrite and never fucking call a single other person the word “gay” ever again. 

[tumblunni]

Its weird how much the perceptions of queer people can change throughout history

And like i'm not just talking about how widespread predjudice is and how shitty the education is, so that a trans person like me could grow up not only not knowing they were trans until age 20 but not even knowing that trans people EXISTED. And then of course there's how the perception of the word "queer" has made a rollercoaster journey from "unrelated quaint word for slightly odd" to "homophobic slur" to "reclaimed slur" to "so reclaimed that it's used as a common umbrella term by LGBTQ rights organizations and educational systems" to "ok suddenly its a slur again and we dont know if we'll be able to reclaim it this time". And then allllso there's the fuckin annoying subject of how bigots insist upon perceiving trans women as "really just gay men" or "straight men with a fetosh for dressing up", and then trans women as also being the only trans people who exist,because trans men (and lesbians) are apparantly "just women playing at it" or "lol sexy" and somehow can't really be real. Somehow even less real than the thing they already say isnt real. Seriously, wrapping my head around how bigots think is EXHAUSTING!

Aaaaanyway all of those recent issues REALLY SUCK but then they got me thinking about how bigotry was really different just ten years ago, and how fascinating (and depressing) i found it to hear about unrecogniseably different bigotry in ancient history. So uhh yeah lets ramble about that??

Random example that I only remember because I had a Big Norse Mythology Phase in high school. Back in those times it wasn't considered gay to be attracted to men. Like.. Seriously! They still had homophobic bigotry and horrifying lynchings,banishment, social ostracization and other hate crimes. It's just that their definition of who was 'one of the bad ones' and who was 'acceptable' was wildly different from what we have today. It was like.. Not about who you were attracted to but the specifics of the act itself? They uhh..literally had top and bottom predjudice. You weren't "gay" if you had sex with men, only if you were on the bottom when it happened. Because it was "natural" for a man to be the pitcher, but "womanly and deviant" to be on the receiving end and *gasp* actually enjoy it! You could somehow retain your straightness card by topping a dude and he was the only weird one for enjoying this sex you were having. Because yknow the top is just totally imagining he's fucking a woman, so its Not Gay. Somehow.

Like there's a whole poem about two guys slinging insults at each other for five pages, and one stanza is like "i totally had sex with you and that makes you gay!" Taken to ridiculous extremes where he claims the other man is SO gay that he was somehow able to get magically pregnant and have his children. Also they were monsters because why not. But (i shit you not) he adds that they werent even PARTICULARLY SCARY monsters and that proves that you are a terrible man. For giving me a bad lay. Which somehow means you are gay and I'm not.

And like I mean.. I can understand how a culture with so many all-male sailing crews would kinda have to deal with a lot of gay relationships happening, but its just so fuckin WEIRD that they managed to do it while retaining a predjudice against them! I mean the ancient greeks had a similar situation and they very notably went full acceptance to the point even the most LGBTQ-erasing scholars can't manage to paper it over. Not that they were perfect either, of course, there was a lot of societally accepted pedophilia. But then again britain's had a history of that too, plus even worse stuff... Okay im getting offtopic, thats another subject for another day.

So yeah. Weird alternate conceptualization of sexuality. And part of me wants to laugh at those bigots being so wrong, while part of me feels relieved thinking that at least half of all gay men managed to avoid predjudice compared to how common it is in our society. But then i think about how much the "i'm on top so i'm straight" thing is played off in really creepy ways in those mythological tales. Like seriously its horrible imagining some guy raping another guy as a sign of dominance and pulling the "he enjoyed it so arrest him" card. Or lovers selling out their other half to deflect suspicion from themself, like "yeah you caught us having sex but he was the gay one." It's such a weird form of bigotry to wrap my head around, i don't even know if these worst case scenarios would have happened but i'm scared to research more into the subject in case i find triggering stuff like that.

Tho i mean this is just a factoid i found in a mythology book to explain a weird diss poem, like not even an actual history book with sources ans examples. So for all I know maybe it isnt even true? *shrug* i just thought it was interesting to think about and i hope maybe i can bump into someone else who's better informed on the topic.

Oh and also LOL just to add that I totally fell in love with norse mythology cos of Loki,became a huge Loki stan, wrote stupid fix-it fics for LITERAL MYTHOLOGY where Loki was proven right and got all his dead kids back, and throughout this entire time dumb teenage me never once thought "hmm maybe i'm fascinated by the one gay and genderfluid character because i might be queer". What a dope! (Seriously internalized transphobia fucks you up...)

[theletterformallyknownasq]

Kaja - August 22nd, 2018

Me: All right. Session 2. I'm here with Kaja Vang. Thank you for al­lowing me to interview you and hear your stories and your experienc­es of being Queer and immigrant while living and working and making home in Minnesota. Can you tell me how you received your name? Kaja: My mom said that my grandma had a dream and it was filled with a lot of fireflies. She just woke up and told my mom 'you're gonna name your kid Kab Ntsha.' That's how you pronounce it in Hmong. Kab meaning Bug, Ntsha meaning Light. And my mom was like 'OK cool.' And then she gave me my middle name which is Mindie. But my grandma basically named me.

Me: Have you ever revisited that story with your family to confirm that? Kaja: When I was a teenager, yeah. So my grandma passed this past winter, so I wish I took the time to actually talk to my grandma and figure out how did she specifically came up with my name. Because memories and words aren't always 100% what my people say. My mom is super dramatic sometimes. So when I was little when I first entered the academic world, my teacher couldn't pronounce my name, so they came up with Kaja, I just went with it. Then I was like, 'is that how I pronounce my name?' It sounded way easier. So I'm like 'OK cool whatever.'  And then when I was transitioning into my freshman year in college, I was like 'oh I really want to reclaim my name and make sure people say it right.' And then I was talking to this white boy. He's like, "What's your name?" I'm like 'It's Kab Ntsha.' He's like 'Oh, ganja like weed?' And from that point I'm like 'nope, zip, I'm going with Kaja, pronounce my name wrong. I don't give a shit.' I only correct you if I love you dearly and you're a part of my life and I want that to be a thing. But general strangers, the youth that I work with, they sometimes call me the wrong name that sounds similar to Kaja. And people always question 'Oh is that how you say your name in Hmong?' And I'm like, 'no but I'm not trying to teach you right now.' Me: How have people mispronounced your name? Kaja: They call me Kaia which is like some white European shit. It's K-A-I-A instead of the J. They call me Kesha. Me: No. Kaja: They call me Tasha. Me: Nahhhh. But The "T"?! Kaja: Right? But that's the general gist of what people call me. And I just don't want to correct them unless I really care about them. Me: How do you identify? Pronouns et al? Kaja: I identify as a nonbinary and Queer Hmong writer. I write a lot. I'm pretty gay. Me: You kind of already touched on this but where's your family from? Kaja: So they are technically from Laos. I don't know my dad's history, I mainly know my mom’s. She grew up in the refugee camps in Thailand. Thailand and Laos is where my family is from. Me: And what brought them to Minnesota? Kaja: Colonialism. White supremacy. The U.S.-Vietnam War. My mom was born in 1974, so she grew up in the middle to end-ish of the Vietnam War. My mom's the oldest in her family and she had I think two younger brothers at that time when my grandma decided to leave Laos to go to the refugee camps in Thailand. She left my mom and her younger sister behind. So my mom and her younger sister had to basically leave. Someone ended up taking them to a refugee camp somewhere. I'm not sure if it's in Laos or Thailand. My mom was like 5 or something. She found aunties at the refugee camps and every morning before the sun rose, she would exit the refugee camp and then knock on neighbors’ doors and beg for food and she would come home, come back to the refugee camp and feed her younger sister. All the aunties kept telling her that her mom didn't love her, that she abandoned her and her father left as well. My granddad left way before my grandmother left to go to another refugee camp. But eventually a couple of years later, my grandpa came back and realizes she's his daughter, tells her to leave with him. And the whole family got reunited in the United States again. Me: Wow. I’m holding that for you, that's really heavy and hard to recall. My family had a similar experience but we were never displaced from our homelands. Thank you for sharing that. And what has kept them and yourself here? Kaja: I think the hopes and dreams of living a better life. For my parents, this is what they've always thought the U.S. would be. A place you can make it on your own and have your own business and be wealthy in terms of what Hmong immigrants think is successful. In my eyes, they're super successful. They have always thrown themselves into new experiences. So I grew up in a grocery store that my mom and dad got handed down from shady ass uncles. My mom and dad just kind of winged everything and learned everything about business by themselves. And they've always pushed me to be super innovative, creative, and to make a lot of money. And for me the reason why I'm here is because I'm about community. I found people who love me for who I am, and really support me and my journey of finding and expressing my authentic self. And that's why I'm here. Me: Would you want to stay in Minnesota? Kaja: For the time being, yes. I’m pretty sure this is an excuse for myself, but my parents are transitioning from owning a grocery store and then having the state buy the land because they want to pave a highway through it and do this man-made sewage lake thing.

Kaja: So then my mom and dad then purchased another commercial building a few miles away from the original one and this was a transitioning time my mom got her hairstyling license. And we bought this commercial building with the money that the government gives and my mom opened up her own beauty salon. And so right now, business has been going down and instead of renting out the open spaces in the building, my dad decided to renovate the middle space and make it a grocery store again. And so right now I'm kind of stuck helping them. Feeling obligated to be here for them still. But I mean I would like to move elsewhere and experience what life could be or how community looks like outside of Minnesota. Me: Hmm. East Coast then, maybe? Kaja: I haven't been there as an adult. I've only been to New York when I was a teenager. Me: What do you do for a living? Kaja: I work at a homeless drop-in center for youth between 16 and 23. I'm basically a social worker that stays in one spot. I don't leave the building ever, so I just do a lot of case management stuff or I build relationships with youth and provide them basic needs. But outside of that stuff that I do for a living that I don't get paid for, I do a lot of community organizing but not in terms of what the white structure of what community organizing is. I write and hope that would be something I can get paid to do one day. But I'm still trying to figure that out. Me: Next question is what gives you joy? Kaja: Gives me joy? Off the top of my head, I think puppies and babies. That gives me joy as well as connecting and getting to know more Queer and Trans folks of color as well as seeing how my parents are slowly learning and shifting their verbiage of talking about Queer and Trans Hmong people.  My mom and dad are always using the excuse that they're too old and can't learn anything new, relying heavily on their kids. Just seeing the initial moment where I told my mom that I'm Queer. She's been referring to my partner as my partner instead of my friend. Slow steps. And that's cool with me. And that brings me a lot of joy, intermingled with a lot of frustration and anger. Good food brings me joy. Eating with other people brings me joy. I hate eating by myself. Me: What does Queer mean to you? I'm going to ask you to elaborate on your definition. Kaja: Queer. It means freedom or space to invest in yourself where you're liberated from the constraints of who you should be. So before I came out or identified as being Queer, I wondered if I was bisexual, and then was like ‘nah, bisexual doesn't feel like me, doesn't feel good to me.’ And then I wondered if I’m pansexual? Am I just attracted to people's personalities? And I'm like ‘nah, that doesn't feel good to me.’ And coming across the word Queer and having a community to reclaim that word again felt right. And it didn't feel too constraining or too rigid, but rather I get to define what Queer means to me. And you might have a different definition and that's cool. I don't mind that. But to me, it just means I'm able to move freely in my journey of discovering all of my identities and how that affects me in the ways that I navigate life. Me: What do you like or don't like about the mainstream definition? Kaja: I don't like white Queers. They're terrible. I have a couple of co-workers who are white cis gay men who say stuff like, "Back in my day, the word Queer was horrible. I don't know why you young kids are using it now." And I'm like ‘ok, to each their own, whatever. Don't judge me. Don't judge anyone.’ And then to the younger Queers or Queers my age, the mainstream usage of it just seems too academic where you have to have the right definition of Queer. And there is no fucking right definition of Queer. And even if your definition doesn't match, you're shunned. Using the word Queer in the mainstream way just seems so full of privilege and whiteness and I don't like that.

Me: Amen. Affirming all of those things. How does your family's culture define Queer? Kaja: YIKES. Me: If they can? Kaja: It's like an intermix of adopting the english word 'gay' to describe all types of Queer relationships and Queerness. Using slang terms. I don't know how to say it correctly, but it's a word that people have adapted to describe Trans women in community. But that's a really negative context that they use it in. It's just also kind of not spoken about. We don't talk about it. We don't acknowledge it. We pretend that Queer and Trans Folk people have never existed before and people think you're just crazy and that you need to find yourself a good man or woman then you'll be OK. I can't describe it in words but rather like in feelings of what Queerness means to the Hmong Community. A lot of shame and guilt and a lot of gaslighting that happens. Like an out of body experience of where you're like ‘Oh am I really Queer?’ But we don't have a word for it. It's shameful. So they think I'm just crazy. So I should probably marry a man.

Me: Last question before we get kicked out of this booth! It's a lil long though. If you could address the most influential public figures and decision makers in the state right now, what would you say about improving the standard of living for someone like yourself in Minnesota? Kaja: Well I don't know the academic term, but the health care where they don't bill you separately and you never meet your deductions and so you have to pay out of pocket for your health care. Universal health care that's affordable. Affordable in terms of we're not sacrificing X Y and Z to pay off our health care bills. We need health care that is encompassing all identities and all genders and all needs so we don't always have to go to specialty doctors and having to pay more and take the chances to cover it out of pocket. Kaja: Housing. Having a more sustainable way of providing housing for folks. Because homelessness is a huge issue here and people always go 'well why don't they work? Then they can get a place. Why isn't there enough public housing?' But there is enough public housing. The thing is we don't provide support to make that housing sustainable for them and we're only worried about if they're going to make enough money on time to pay for rent. It's more than that. It also includes mental health that affects their stability in housing. It also affects what barriers do people have to go through, especially being Queer and Trans and folks of color, to get jobs that pay you well and pay you enough so that you're able to have sustainable housing and that you don't always have to move here and there. And at the end of your lease, if your rent has gone up, you don't always have to find a new place, you know? We're always being displaced. We're always being moved. We are constantly forced to choose. Choose to live in a communal space where we're sharing a house with people, like 6-8 people in one place. And it's not like I only want my own house or my own space, but instead I want that to be a choice rather than out of necessity. Where you have Queer and Trans folks of color having to pool money together, having to share the little resources that they have to be able to support one another. That shouldn't be a thing. It should feel like a choice. But we're doing it out of necessity and survival. Put more Queer and Trans people in higher positions instead of assessing their background in education and experience and them not being good enough for those positions. Or the worry or the threat that we pose as Queer and Trans folks of color when we're trying to get hired for a supervisor position. It's not a threat to you and your power for the company to hire more Queer and Trans folks of color in a higher position.

Me: Well it challenges a power structure, that's why they don't do it. Make us the public figures and decision makers? Kaja: Hell yeah. Especially if you're working with Black and Brown youth, don't you think that? Me: They would respond a little more if they recognized themselves in the people in positions of power?

Kaja: Yeah. Like, why would you hire a white person to fill a role who doesn't reflect the population you’re serving? Me: Or does it? Kaja: Oooooh. Me: On that note. I think that is really awesome. Thank you Kaja!

[rheterophobia-blog]

ok like so many ppl are like "bisexual is what a bisexual person wants it to mean" and im like this is literally the weirdest logic tangential to the term “pansexual” also existing because a) bc word definitions literally exist for societal purposes, if society didn't exist there would be no need for definitions. and b) that's literally not how words work like. individual definitions mean NOTHING if i suddenly decide that "tomato" means "starchy vegetable that grows underground" that doesn't mean, on a larger scale, a tomato is a starchy vegetable that grows underground

the only reason & process words' meanings have ever changed is bc their changed definition has been widely accepted by society AS A WHOLE and thus can have multiple definitions due to the collective agreement that one word can have more than one meaning

fundamentally if bi people decide that bi can mean: a) "attracted to two genders", b) "attracted to cis men and women," c) attracted to your own gender & other gender(s), or d) attracted to all genders and being reclaimed bc sexuality studies were originally binary, we can conclude that first of all there is absolutely no need for the term pansexual since pansexual is literally the same thing as a meaning of bi that a lot of bi people have determined the term to mean (i.e. attracted to all genders.) 

furthermore it makes the impression that pan people assume that bi people only have one or certain definitions of bisexuality that doesn't encompass all genders, when there are a lot of trans/nb bi people who use bi to mean "all genders" due to the etymology of "bisexual" & reclaiming it

it either has to be all this shit i typed out for the past 5 minutes OR we have to come to a conclusion that "bisexual can mean this and not this" thus ridding the interpretation that bisexuality is based on an individual definition, then concluding that we need to collectively agree on certain definitions of bisexuality and denounce others

[panrophantic]

how did you know you're pan? bcos im struggling with my sexuality too :( also, non binary means like a gender queer too right? congrats on coming out!

thank you!!! this is gonna be long so prepare yourself…

okay, so, im pansexual/panromantic. ive identified that way for 3 or 4 years and if i had been exposed to the language, i would have been using those labels much earlier. ive always had crushes on people of various genders and varying gender expression. gender has never been a factor in who i am attracted to. some people say that that’s the difference between bisexuality and pansexuality (that bi people are specifically attracted to people of 2 or more genders and pan people experience generalized attraction regardless of gender). that being said, i dont judge people who experience something closer to pansexuality but use the bi label, its far more well known and therefore has to be explained less often. this is a tangent w h o o p s. fun fact: i actually started questioning whether i was actually pan a while back (we’ll get back to that after i talk about my gender stuff, it will make more sense!!!)

im biologically female, but ive never felt comfortable under the label “girl”. i used to hate when my family would say that when i was little. like,,, i would actually cringe and automatically think “well,,,, im not a girl,, but ok”. i hated being grouped into “girls and boys” in school because i felt like i didnt belong anywhere. any time i found myself in a group with only girls and they went into what i call “slumber party mode” i got really uncomfortable. it wasnt that i didnt like them, it was that i felt like an impostor. and i kind of was… i was pretending to be a girl in order to fit in. i just didnt know at the time that thats what that feeling was. my whole life, my closest friends (besides my cousin who has absolutely been on the same wavelength as me from day 1) have always been people that treat me like just another person. which, after i came out as pan, became mostly queer girls and a few cis straight guys who treat me like a rogue bisexual tomboy which is the best thing i could ask for tbh. haha. 

about the lingo: some people use non binary and genderqueer interchangeably, but i would warn you that (even though a lot of people, myself included, are reclaiming the “queer” label) some people still see it as a slur, so dont assign that label to a person that hasn’t self identified with it. its a confusing world out there. i personally see “genderqueer” as the big umbrella for describing anything that isn’t cis and then “non binary” as… well.. not binary. sort of an “every square is a rectangle, but not all rectangles are squares” kind of thing. its basically non binary vs non “normative”. like (and keep in mind i dont speak for trans people or trans experiences, but) many trans men and women would consider themselves genderqueer, but not non binary, because they identify as a man or woman, which by definition is binary. where as im non binary, which could also fit under the genderqueer umbrella, so while both terms apply to me, they arent interchangeable imo. 

back to the pan questioning!!! so for a while, i was actually questioning whether i was pan because, after i got to know them, i found that i wasnt attracted to straight guys. it wasnt until fairly recently that i realized it was because they were treating me like a girl. like i had some slot to fit into in this hetero relationship! i felt so uncomfortable with the idea of being in a heterosexual relationship and i later realized it was because no relationship i will ever be in can be truly heterosexual. lol. thats why i love other people who are pan/bi. thats where i belong: in the middle.

[andro-boi]

I still don’t understand the difference between being bisexual and Pansexual?? I feel like the definitions described on your Instagram defined the same thing? I’m still very confused

Look I don’t blame you, it can be v confusing but also because we have all been taught to believe a certain stereotypes so accepting a whole new different system of knowledge can be just down right fucking confusing. However I really do applaud you for tryna get to the bottom of this confusion for your own education rather than brush it off like most people <3

Okay so what the fuck does it mean to be BISEXUAL

“Bisexual means you’re attracted to people of both genders yeah?”

Not Exactly my friend,

Gender isn’t a binary, meaning that people don’t fall into the categories of “Men” or “Woman” that we were all taught growing up. 

Look the oldies got some shit right but they got a lotta things wrong. There is new information being discovered every day. Like they thought homosexuality was a mental illness 50 years ago. 

#NonBinary is a word that describes people who don’t exclusively identify as either a woman or a man. #NonBinary people could also identify as Bigender, Genderfluid, or Agender, just to name a few terms. So, in saying that when people say “Both Genders” its a misnomer. 

Misnomer: a wrong or inaccurate use of a name or term.

“Yeah well how come men and women always existed but #NonBinary people only existing now huh dad!“

Ha thats where you wrong family. #NonBinary people have been acknoledged by the LGBTQIA Community for many decades. In fact in a 1990 Bisexual Manifesto (Yes I know, A BISEXUAL MANIFESTO in the 1990s) acknoledged that Non Binary people Exist. Also if you look into a lot of cultures of the world you will realise that Non Binary and Trans People have always existed. 

“Aight then, are bisexual people only attracted to men and women, and not nonbinary people?”  

Nope, not necessarily.

Bisexuality means different things to different people.

To some people, it means attraction to two or more genders, or multiple genders.

To others, it means attraction to people of the same gender and people who are another gender.

Some bisexual people might only be attracted to men and women and not nonbinary people, but that’s not every bisexual person’s experience.

“Okay then what does PANSEXUAL mean?”

The prefix “pan-” means “all.” Similarly, pansexuality means that you’re attracted to people of all genders.

This includes people who don’t identify with any gender (agender).

Many pansexual people describe themselves as being attracted to people based on personality, not gender.

Important Note:  pansexual doesn’t mean you’re attracted to all people.

For example, heterosexual men aren’t attracted to all women, and vice versa.

It simply means that they find themselves attracted to people of all sorts of gender categories.

“Lol it sounds like you just said the same thing twice dad - whats the fucking difference tho?“

Bisexual means attracted to multiple genders, and pansexual means attracted to all genders. 

These are different because “multiple” isn’t the same thing as “all.”

Let’s say you ask your friends what their favorite colors are.

One friend might say, “Actually, I like more than one color!” Another friend might say, “I like all colors.”

Now, the first friend might like all colors, but they might not. They might not like khaki or beige. Perhaps they like pastels but not dark colors.

This is because “all colors” is, by definition, more than one. 

However, “more than one” isn’t technically all.

Some people feel that pansexual falls into the category of bisexual because bisexual is a broad term that means more than one — but it isn’t the same thing, because “all” isn’t the same as “multiple.”

“Why is the Bisexual VS Pansexual Distinction so controversial? “

The controversy around this distinction often stems from a place of misunderstanding and lack of education. 

Some people assume that bisexual people are erasing nonbinary people. They assume the word bisexual implies that there are only two genders.

Other people assume that pansexual is a word invented solely because bisexual people are misunderstood and assumed to exclude nonbinary people.

The truth is that both orientations are valid in their own right.

Many bisexual communities do acknowledge nonbinary people — in fact, many nonbinary people identify as bisexual. Additionally, many pansexual people know that the definition of bisexual can include nonbinary people.

Again, bisexuality and pansexuality don’t mean exactly the same thing, and it’s completely valid to identify as either (or both!).

“What if you’re attracted to one gender way more than another? am i still bi or pansexual?“

Yes! You can still be bisexual or pansexual if you find yourself more attracted to one gender than others.

In fact, surveys and studies show that many bisexual and pansexual people have a preference. This doesn’t make your orientation any less valid.

“Can you be attracted to different genders in different ways...“

Yes. You might find yourself sexually attracted to one gender and romantically attracted to another gender. This is called “mixed orientation” or “cross orientation.”

For example, you could be bisexual but homoromantic — meaning you’re sexually attracted to people of multiple genders, but you’re only romantically attracted to people who are the same gender as you.

We been talking about bisexuality and pansexuality — that is, sexual orientations.

However, there are different romantic orientations, including:

Aromantic. You experience little to no romantic attraction to anyone, regardless of gender.

Biromantic. You’re romantically attracted to people of two or more genders.

Panromantic. You’re romantically attracted to people of all genders.

Greyromantic. You experience romantic attraction infrequently.

Demiromantic. You experience romantic attraction infrequently, and when you do it’s only after developing a strong emotional connection to someone.

Heteroromantic. You’re only romantically attracted to people of a different gender to you.

Homoromantic. You’re only romantically attracted to people who are the same gender as you.

Polyromantic. You’re romantically attracted to people of many — not all — genders.

“Does dating someone of a particular gender mean you’re straight?“

Hell to the fucking No. Let’s say a bisexual woman is in a relationship with a man. This doesn’t make her straight. Similarly, if she dates a woman, she doesn’t become a lesbian.

Unfortunately, many people think that bisexual and pansexual people need to “pick a side” — gay or straight. And when bisexual and pansexual people date someone publicly, it’s often assumed that they’re picking a side.

You aren’t defined by your partner’s gender.

The labels we choose to describe our orientation are only determined by ourselves and our experiences with attraction.

“Okay where the does the term #Queer come in?“

“Queer” is a sort of blanket term used to include all people who don’t identify as straight.

While it was previously used as a slur, it has been reclaimed by the LGBTQIA+ community. ( Funny little story, I had a friend of mine call me “Queer Fuck” during high school and ya guessed it, she hella gay now.  )

However, some people still feel uncomfortable with the word “queer” because it’s been used as a form of oppression.

It’s totally OK to use it instead of, or in addition to, another term.

Many people use “queer” because they aren’t sure how to describe their orientation, or because their orientation feels fluid and changes over time.

“How do I know which term fits me?“

There’s no test to determine whether you’re bisexual or pansexual (or another orientation entirely).

You can identify as whatever orientation fits you. Of course, figuring out what fits you might be tough.

To help you figure out your sexual orientation, you may ask yourself:

Is there any gender that I don’t ever feel attracted to?

Is there any gender — or group of genders — that I’m not sure if I’m attracted to?

What word feels best?

What community do I feel comfortable with?

Am I romantically attracted to the same people I’m sexually attracted to?

Remember, there isn’t a right or wrong answer. It’s about getting to know yourself better and figuring out what you like and prefer.

It’s also important to remember that it’s OK to identify with multiple terms — as well as change the way you describe your sexual orientation later on.

“Can you identify with one term then switch to another later on“

Yes! Identifying with a particular sexual orientation isn’t a lifelong binding contract. Like we don’t sell your soul to the devil for a membership lmao 

You might find that your sexual orientation and your capacity for attraction changes over time, or you might learn of another word that better describes your sexual orientation. Why? Because we’re human and we grow and change with time and just life. 

No matter the reason, you’re allowed to change the way you describe your orientation.

“What if neither of these terms feel right for me anymore?..“

That’s OK. Sexual orientation can change over time. That doesn’t mean it isn’t valid.

For example, it’s totally fine to identify as bisexual at one point in time and then as heterosexual later on.

A lot of people assume bisexuality is a “stepping-stone” to homosexuality, but this isn’t true.

Many people identify as bisexual their whole lives. If you do find that your sexuality shifts, don’t feel ashamed because it “fits” into someone else’s misconception of what bisexuality is.

You aren’t perpetuating a myth by being who you are; another person’s misinformed opinion isn’t your burden to carry.

“Okay.. but what if,. neither of these terms have ever felt right for me?“

Oh my sweet angel, There are many ways to identify. Beyond bisexual and pansexual, there are other words to describe your orientation, including:

Asexual. You experience little to no sexual attraction to anyone, regardless of gender.

Greysexual. You experience sexual attraction infrequently.

Demisexual. You experience sexual attraction infrequently, and when you do it’s only after developing a strong emotional connection to someone.

Heterosexual. You’re only sexually attracted to people of a different gender to you.

Homosexual. You’re only sexually attracted to people who are the same gender as you.

Polysexual. You’re sexually attracted to people of many — not all — genders.

This isn’t a comprehensive list of sexual orientations — more and more words are being coined to describe people’s unique experiences of sexual orientation.

Remember, you don’t have to use any word or label to describe your orientation that you don’t want to use.

How you choose to identify is entirely up to you!