#ok this has spent 2 weeks in my drafts someone take it

[prepostmortem]

blacked out at 1am and made this

[ellies-little-thing]

"hey im lesbian, i thought you where american" (e.w.)

Part 1 Part 2

My masterlist <3

pairing: ellie williams x fem!reader

Warnings: Modern Ellie; swearing; fluf; smut; reader is referred as she/her; reader has a vagina; Ellie is refered to as "daddy" (as she should); Kind of proofread, English is not my first language.

Author's notes: I'm really trying to inprove my writing skills in english, and i tried very hard on this one. I had it in my drafts abd decided to finhish writing it. Ellie is called daddy by the reader, as she should allways be. Enjoy! I hope you like it! Likes, reblogs, comments and feedback are always welcome! <3 (sorry, i have vines living in my head rent free)

NSFW MINORS AND MEN DNI

w/c 9.8k

A few weeks later you and Ellie continued hanging out together since you lived in the same building. You started liking her more, the more time you spent together. You hung out almost every day unless your schedules didn’t align and you couldn’t. You were loving having someone so obsessed with you. You loved being dominated by her, letting her take control and she loved having you at her mercy. Ellie loved every moment she spent with you, every touch, every kiss, every night spent cuddling together. She was starting to fall hard for you. She took you out on dates, showered you with gifts and you've never been this happy.

This evening you were watching some stupid romance movie together just chilling on the couch of your living room, and a sex scene came on. You both looked at each other with a provocative smirk in each of your faces. As the scene continues the characters start having a certain dynamic that you recognize. The couple’s on the screen was very much like your and Ellie’s relationship. She is the dominant one and you are the submissive one. As you hear one of the characters call the other a “good girl”, you look at Ellie shyly before saying.

“I want to be your good girl…” You say, almost inaudible due to the sound of the TV.

“You want to be my good girl, do you now?” She grins as she takes her eyes from the screen and turns to your own.

“I do.” You say shyly. She smiles, and kisses you. She lowers the volume a bit and then she presses her body on yours leaning over you slightly. “mm, you really like this, don't you?” You nod a bit embarrassed. You couldn't deny that that scene was making your core heat up.

“Good, because I'm having fun too.” She grins, and bites your lip.

You kneel on the floor for her not saying one word. “Oh, someone is really eager now, aren't they?” She grins, and continues looking at you. You wait for her to act. She looks at you, before nibbling on her bottom lip in excitement as she looks at you with predatory eyes. “I'm sorry, are you waiting for something?” Her voice is full of seduction as she smiles. “For you….” You say quietly looking at the floor. You were only wearing some loungewear since it was the weekend and you and Ellie were just hanging out, so you had no pants on and your panties were visible to her.

“For me, hm?” She chuckles, as she stops nibbling on your neck. “That's very sweet of you, you know.” Her tone is very seductive.

“What do I do to be a good girl?” You ask blushing.

“Well, you can start by being a sweetheart like you already are.” She chuckles. “You can also do everything I say, you know…” She winks at you, her voice still seductive. Her piercing green eyes can't look away from you.

“Ok…” You say blushing even more. You are ashamed of how much you like this. Being treated this way.

“Oh, no darling, you dont say ‘ok’. A good girl says ‘yes ma’am’, do you understand?” She says with a more serious tone in her voice now as she looks down at you.

“Yes ma'am.” You do as she says.

“Good girl.” She smiles seductively. “You know, that was such a good girl thing you did.” She chuckles, as she bites her bottom lip again.

“Can I… call you master?… or daddy?” You ask softly, blushing as you speak. You were a bit embarrassed of how much you wanted to be dominated. She smiles, as she leans back on the couch. “I think you should pick, don't you? What one would you prefer to call me?”

“Daddy…” You say after thinking for a few seconds.

“Mmh, alright then. So, you'll call me daddy, right?” Her voice is still seductive, as she smiles. She is man spreading right now with her arms spreading along the back of the sofa looking at you very entertained.

“Yes daddy…” You said looking at your lap and not into her eyes.

“Good girl, daddy will make sure to reward you.” Her voice is full of seduction. Her eyes shine as she sees you being so easy to order around.

You wait for her command looking at the floor. “Oh, you seem to enjoy waiting a lot, don't you, love?” She giggles playfully, moving her body lower so that her face is close to yours. “I should really reward you for that too…”

You look up at her slowly. Her eyes remain sparkling, as she smiles seductively at you. “That's much better, now I can see that beautiful face of yours…” You look at her carefully, almost making puppy eyes without realizing. She pulls your face closer to hers, she’s so close you could almost kiss her.

“Can I get a kiss, daddy?” You ask her, looking into her green eyes. She chuckles softly, before leaning in and brushing her lips against yours. “You can have a kiss anytime you want darling.”

“Thank you daddy.” You smile slightly, as she calls you these sweet nicknames.

“And for being such a good girl, I guess I should give you what you want.” Her voice is still seductive, as she smiles at you. “So, why don’t you tell me what else daddy can do for you.” She holds your chin as she says this.

“I'll do anything you want.” You blurt out a bit embarrassed. You really like being treated like this. You like being taken care of.

She smiles seductively again, her tone remains the same. “Oh, is that true? Anything at all?” She leans back on the couch once again.

“Anything daddy…” You reassure her. You can now hear the moans coming from the tv as the movie continues playing.

“Oh, well aren't you the sweetest, I have so many ideas to reward you for being such a good girl…” She grins, moving slightly closer. “I think you’ll enjoy our time together, love.” You smile at her as she calls you ‘love’.

“I do wonder what we could do together though…” She chuckles softly, as her voice remains seductive. “Maybe I should show you my special reward?”

“Yes please!” Your eyes start to sparkle. Her sweet smile turns into a mischievous one. “I don't know, can I trust you to keep your word and be a good girl, even behind closed doors?” She looks at you teasingly.

“Yes daddy, you can.” You will do anything she says now, there's no going back.

“Alright then, good girl.” She smiles, looking you up and down. “ Why don't I show you my special reward then…”

“What is it?” You ask curiously with an almost childish tone in your voice.

“Well, I'd have to show you if you really want to know.” She chuckles slightly. “But, why don't you find out?”

You put your hands in a receiving position in front of your face, almost pleading. “You really do want it huh?” She grins teasingly as she moves closer to you, her hand pressing against the skin of your cheek, caressing you. “Then, do you think you’re ready?”

“I'm ready.” You answer. Her eyes sparkle as she looks at you. Ellie loves to see you so eager for her touch. “Oh I know you are… I guess I'll show you…” She sighs, smiling seductively while she stares into your eyes. “Alright, I'll be a nice daddy… But if you can't keep up your end of the deal… I'm afraid I'll have to punish you.” She says in a more serious tone and her smile fades.

“I'll be good, daddy.” Her eyes brighten as you talk. “I know you will, I'm very proud of you, baby.” She leans in and kisses you, her voice still full of seduction.

“Thank you daddy.” You say after she kisses you. She smiles, and moves closer to you yet again. “Daddy will make sure to punish you if you aren’t good.” She winks, and her voice remains teasing yet with a more serious tone, she bites your neck lightly. “But for now, you’ll remain a good girl for daddy, ok?”

“Ok daddy.” You stay put, just as she says. She grins at you, before nibbling harder on your neck. “Oh, I'm going to leave some marks, aren't i?” You hiss a bit at the pain from her teeth on your sensitive skin. She chuckles softly, before nibbling a little harder. “I'm so lucky to have such a good girl like you…”

“That hurts daddy.” You shut your eyes and scrunch your face in pain.

“Oh, does it?” She smiles seductively. “Mm, maybe i should keep going then…” She nibbles harder again, just enough for you to be in pain, but not too much.

“Ow…” You let out as you feel her teeth sink into your skin harder.

“Oh, should I stop?” She chuckles, as she moves back slightly. “Or, do you want me to keep going, dear?” She looks into your eyes as she holds your chin so you are obligated to look back at her.

“It hurts.” You say quietly, not wanting to make her mad.

“Oh, I'm starting to think that you like it.” She grins and nibbles slightly harder again.

“Ow…” She continues nibbling, her teeth pressing lightly against your skin. “mm, someones being such a good girl…”

You try to get your neck away from her since it's a bit sore now. “Why try to get away from daddy’s bites?” She grins and bites slightly harder. You hold her face to look into her eyes whilst still kneeling. Her eyes still remain sparkling, she still wears her seductive smile on those gorgeous lips of hers. “Oh, you won't get away, baby…” She grins, and bites even harder. “ow…! “ You push her away.

“Mmm, I think that's just rude. I think daddy deserves a little reward for that, don't you think?” She grins, and moves even closer to you, her teeth still pressing against your neck. Her tone is serious now, you will do as she says one way or another.

“That hurts daddy, please…” You plead as she sinks her teeth into your neck a few more times leaving some marks. Ellie likes to mark everything she owns, including you.

“Alright, I might be going a little too hard, you know baby.” She grins again, and lets go of you. “But you’ve been a good girl, so let's say i dont punish you for shoving daddy away.” She says looking at you with a serious expression.

“Yeah?” You ask hopeful that she'll stop biting you so hard.

“So, why don't you come closer to daddy?” She smiles seductively. “Don't you think daddy deserves something to reward him, baby?” You get up slowly and get on her lap. Her eyes remain shining as she smiles at you. “There we go, daddy is very proud of you.” She chuckles and cuddles you, her body pressing tightly against yours.

“Can I kiss you daddy?” You ask as you two cuddle for a bit. “Oh, why do you want to kiss daddy?” She grins seductively, as she looks at you tauntingly. “Daddy knows that you’re attracted to him…” Her voice remains teasing, and her eyes shine slightly more. “Well, daddy will allow you to kiss him then..” She smiles as she takes a quick glance at your lips. “And the only thing I ask from you in return is that you’ll be a good girl.” Her voice remains teasing, as she waits for you to kiss her. “Yes daddy.” You reply, complying to her words.

“Alright then, if you really are a good girl you’ll be able to do this…” She smiles provocatively. “Now, why don't you kiss daddy?” You kiss her lovingly. Her eyes brighten, as she puts her hands around your waist. “That's my good girl…” Her lips touch yours, her body still pressed against your own. You bite her lip softly during the kiss. She smirks, as she pulls you harder against her. “mm, i'm starting to think that you might be liking this alot more than you tell daddy…” She pauses, before nibbling harder on your lower lip than you did to hers. You moan a little and she smiles at you, happy with herself. “Oh, baby…” She continues nibbling and kissing you aggressively. “Now, tell daddy what you are feeling right now.”

“It feels good.” You say in between kisses, getting a bit out of breath. “Oh, that's good then…” She continues nibbling on your lower lip, her teeth pressing even harder. She smiles seductively, her eyes remain shining bright, as she pulls you in closer. You wrap your arms around her. She glances at your arms that you just wrapped around her, as she bites harder on your lower lip. “mm, daddy likes this.” She grins seductively.

You kiss her so she lets your lip go and you bite her neck slowly as you hold her. “Oh, so you want to do the same to daddy?…” Her voice remains teasing. “I'm sure daddy wouldn't mind, but don't think you can bite harder than him, you know?” She’s starting to nibble your own neck again. You bite her skin harder. “mm, good girl, daddy likes it…” Her voice is still teasing, as she pulls you against her. She continues to nibble and bite you.

You bite really hard this time trying to hurt her. “mm, i think you’re trying to test me…” Her voice remains teasing, and her eyes remain sparkling. She bites and nibbles your neck more aggressively now. You then kiss her hard and with desire. “mm, you seem thirsty,…” She bites your lower lip even harder, as her body presses against yours. You look at her with pleading eyes.

“Oh wow, I wasn't expecting this much from you…” She grins seductively, as she looks into your eyes. She's loving how far you are going for her until now. “I think daddy owes you a reward.” Your eyes sparkle as you hear her words. “Well, maybe I will give you one…” She grins, as she pulls you against herself. “I'm going to pin you down baby, just so I can take care of this lil thing you got, ok?” She picks you up and lays you on the bed gently as she looks into your eyes.

“Ok daddy.” You answer while you are still looking her in the eyes. “Alright then, baby.” She grins teasingly, before rolling on top of you. She pushes you down, as her body still presses against yours between your open legs. “There we go, now you can't run away from daddy…”

“I don't want to run away.” You respond softly and honestly. You never want her to stop treating you this way. “Mmm, that's good, because daddy doesn't want you to run either.” She nibbles your neck slightly harder again. “Now, since you’re a good girl for daddy, is it alright if daddy rewards you, baby?” She grins seductively as you nod eagerly. “Good, now, I should start to reward you.” She bites harder, not letting go of your poor, sensitive and sore neck.

“Yes please…” She bites as hard as she can, before letting go. “Oh, that was fun…” She nibbles slightly again, as her eyes remain sparkling. You kiss her hard and filled with lust, you are feeling so incredibly turned on by this. Your heart is starting to beat harder. She smirks and bites slightly again. “Is my little baby still thirsty?” Her voice remains teasing, as she looks at you seductively. You nod frantically, biting your bottom lip. “Good, daddy will take care of that, just wait.” She chuckles softly, as she presses her body against yours, rubbing herself on you and your crotch only protected by your underwear.

“You just have to be a good girl for daddy, you can do that, right, baby?” You nod again. She grins happy. “Alright then, be daddy’s good girl and I'll take care of all that thirstiness.” She bites even harder, not letting go of your skin.

“Ow…” You wince a bit in pain. She notices your reaction to her bite. “Oops, did I bite too hard?” She stares into your eyes, speaking in a sarcastically teasing tone. “Maybe I'll just bite you more.” She says with a serious face looking you dead in the eyes.

“No more please…” Your eyes were tearing up from the last bite. “Are you sure? baby… I know you want me. I can tell from your reactions, now, be a good girl and let daddy bite you more.” You look at her with puppy eyes. Her eyes sparkle as she sees your adorable expression. She smiles seductively. “aww, you must really want it, right?” She bites your lip again. “Tell me, baby, what do you want?”

“i….” You hesitate a bit at first. “Oh, is daddy’s little girl too flustered to say what she wants?” She chuckles, before nibbling your lower lip even harder. You muster the courage to speak up. “I…. I want you to hurt me…” You say blushing and embarrassed that you like the sensation of being hurt. “awww, so my little baby does want to be punished…” She grins seductively, before nibbling your lip even harder, she just can't help herself. “Now, I shall do as you wish…”

“Thank you daddy.” You look up at her. “Thank you, baby… for letting daddy punish you” She grins seductively, as she moves even closer to your face. “Oh, daddy likes this alot… you want me to punish you harder?”

“You can spank me…” Your face is bright red at this point. “Ohh, is that so baby?” Her eyes remain sparkling, as she bites her lower lip in excitement, yet again looking at your adorable face. “mm, but i don't want to hurt you that much, you know? Daddy still needs you to be a good girl after all…”

“I like the pain….” You finally admit to her, speaking quietly. “Oh? if that's what my little baby wants.” She smirks seductively. “Baby, maybe I should go harder then.” She suddenly put her hand around your neck. She squeezes it gently. “There we go…Are you enjoying this, baby?”

“Very much daddy.” You say as she continues, not letting go. “Oh, I'm so glad that you’re enjoying this, baby…” Her grip on your neck tightens. “I love when you choke me.” You say looking into her eyes. Her own eyes sparkle, as a dark grin appears on her face. “mm, does my little baby want daddy to choke her?” Her grip tightens harder still, as she bites your lip again. You nod looking at her still, not being able to move. “Alright then.” She grins seductively, as she squeezes your soft skin harder. She lets go of your lips so you can speak. “ What was that, baby?”

You gasp for air as she chokes you. “Did I make my little baby run out of air?” She smiles as she tightens her grip more, and leans in again. “Would you like me to keep choking you?”

“Yes daddy…” You managed to whisper with difficulty. “Awww, that's good baby, daddy will keep choking you then.” Her eyes sparkle, while she holds you tightly. She grins, as she chokes you harder. “Does daddy’s little baby enjoy being choked…?” You can only nod and so you do, looking her in the eyes, with those intoxicating green eyes of hers gazing right back. “mmm.. maybe i should keep choking you harder then…” Her grip tightens even more, making it hard for you to breathe now. She smiled mischievously. “Oh, you really do enjoy this, don't you baby…?” Your mind is starting to go blank as she keeps going.

“Ah, ah, baby, can you still breathe?” She tightens her grip on your neck even more, her face still full of seductiveness and playfulness. Her grip remains on your neck, her eyes get darker as she looks down at you. “Oh, I'm sure I could choke you harder, but are you really ready for that, baby?” Her voice still sounds teasing, as her mouth forms a slight grin, and her grip tightens yet again.

“I'm ready…” You say with a lot of difficulty. "Oh, you want more? Alright baby…" Her grip is now very tight, you're about to lose consciousness. Her eyes shine as a certain darkness starts to take over them, and her voice is more dominant now. “Daddy is going to keep choking you, until you beg me to stop…”

“It's too much daddy…” You whisper as you put your hands on hers trying to take them off your neck. “Oh, trying to make it stop, baby?” Her grip remains tight, as she holds you in place. Ellie is straddling you now with her right hand still on your neck.

“Well, daddy isn't going to let you stop this, he's enjoying it too much to stop…” She smirks, while holding both her hands to your neck now, not letting you go. “Please…” You say just mouthing the words at this point. "Asking daddy to stop? I think that's cute, baby." She tightens her grip more, and leans closer to your red face. "Well, I don't think I'll stop just yet…" Her grip is very tight now, as she stares at you, with that darkness still in her eyes. Your body starts to go limp. She looks surprised, but quickly starts to grin. “Hmm, looks like baby is having some trouble now…” Her grip on your neck remains tight, but she doesn't seem to worry much. “Maybe this baby needs a bit of a wake up kiss?”

“Please…” You say with your last breath. “Oh, I guess baby is going to pass out now… daddy’s gonna have to wake you up then…” She leans down, before kissing you deeply on the lips. She still remains holding you on your neck, her grip still tight as can be. You can't breathe right now and her eyes go even darker. “Oh, baby really can't breathe right now..” She tightens her grip on your neck even more, not caring much if you're choking or not. Her voice remains teasing, she grins and kisses you again.

You start to lose consciousness. She chuckles, as her grip remains tight. It's too good for her to stop, she loves being in control of you. “Ah, baby is passing out now…” She continues to kiss you deeply, not letting go of your neck, and her teeth sink into your lower lip, as she pulls you closer. You are almost passed out. She looks at you with evil in her eyes, as the grip on your neck remains tight. “Oh, baby passed out, she must really like this if she's losing consciousness…” Her eyes sparkle, as she glances you up and down.

“hmmmm… Daddy might have to do something to wake her up…” She loosens her grip only a little bit. She holds you still, as her eyes show that darkness inside her. “Daddy likes this, baby… so he won't be letting you wake up yet.” She looks at you seductively, her teeth sinking into your lower lip again. “Oh, baby is so cute when she's passed out…” You start breathing very shallowly as she's starting to loosen the pressure on your precious neck up a bit. “Ah, baby’s breath is coming back now…” She loosens her grip slightly more. “But daddy can't let you wake up just yet, baby has been a bad girl after all…” She smirks, as her eyes remain dark.

“Maybe daddy should keep punishing you a little longer, baby?” She asks, looking at you expecting a response from you.

“Please stop daddy…” You say, you were trying really hard to breathe.

“Oh, I guess baby wants this to stop…?” She loosens her grip a bit more, but doesnt seem ready to let you go. “I think the punishment can stop now, daddy had fun playing with his toy…” Her voice remains teasing, as she continues to hold you tightly.

“Thank you daddy…” You say trying to catch your breath.

“You’re welcome, baby, you didn't need to thank me.” She smiles seductively. “Now, daddy wants to know, what should I reward you with, baby?” She asks you as the darkness disappears from her eyes and is replaced by love.

“Can I have some cuddles?” You ask with tears in your eyes. “Oh, yes, of course, baby… Daddy is not cruel, he wouldn't just punish you without an award. You can have all the cuddles your heart desires now.” She smiles, as she lets go of you and instead lays next to you, holding you gently. “There you go, baby, daddy has given you cuddles.”

“Thank you daddy.” You say as you nuzzle into her embrace.

“Of course, baby… Daddy isn't cruel you know…” She smiles as she runs her fingers through your hair. “Now, baby should go take a rest, that punishment was pretty tiring, wasn't it?”

“It was, daddy…” You look at her with wet eyes still. “Oh, I'm sure it must have been tiring for baby… well, daddy didn't realize that, so baby has my apologies.'' She chuckles, and leans in and kisses your forehead. “I think baby really wants more cuddles…” She gives you a soft smile, as she kisses your cheek softly. You nuzzle into her chest. She pulls you closer so her lips gently rest on your ear as she whispers softly. “You can sleep, baby…” Her warm chest presses against you and you feel like you are in the safest place in the world. “Thank you….” You start to fall asleep. “Oh, baby fell asleep.” She smiles as you nuzzle her chest. “Well, daddy isn't tired, maybe baby wants to keep cuddling?” Her voice remains teasing. “Baby can keep sleeping if she wishes.” She moves her head so she can kiss your forehead and holds you as you drift off to sleep.

You wake up a few hours later, feeling much calmer and more relaxed. You find Ellie leaning on your chest now. Her lips are close to yours. “Oh, baby is awake now… well, I guess it was a bit too tiring for daddy to handle too…” She smiles seductively, as she whispers softly into your ear.

“Hi daddy.” You say smiling at her. opening your eyes a bit more.

“Hello, baby.” She smiles seductively, as she strokes your hair gently. “Did daddy’s punishment leave you tired, baby?” Her voice remains teasing.

“A bit…” You yawn as you stretch.

“Ahh, well, daddy must make it up for you somehow” She smiles, and rubs your chest softly. “Now, baby wants more of daddy’s cuddles…” She strokes her fingers slowly along your hair, while her other hand rests on your chest.

“Yes please…” You lean on Ellie. “Alright then, daddy gives you cuddles.” Her voice is still teasing and seducing. She rubs her hands gently down your hair, before placing them on your neck lightly. She smiles as she stares at you. “You can get as many cuddles as you want…” You hug her tight as she says that. “Aw, baby wants to hug daddy?” She smiles as she pulls you closer and hugs you tightly. She giggles lightly, before kissing your cheek. “Baby really needs daddy’s love now, huh?” You nod looking up at her face with an adorable facial expression almost like a little kid.

“That's good to know… baby needs a lot of daddy’s love then.” She kisses your cheek again. “You can even get those hugs whenever you want.”

“Thank you daddy.” You whisper into her hug. “You’re welcome baby, daddy is always going to give you his love.” She kisses your cheek again and caresses her fingers through your hair. “There, baby’s got all of daddy’s love now…” You and Ellie were still laying in bed together. You really like having her by your side. “So, what does daddy’s little girl want to do now?”

“I dont know..” You say still a bit tired from before.

“Well, daddy’s little girl will have to choose. because daddy’s little baby can have anything she wishes right now…” She bites her bottom lip lightly. “Just tell me, what does daddy’s little baby want…?”

“Hum…” You start thinking. “That's it, baby? Just ‘hum’?” Her voice is suddenly full of sass, as she glances at you. “Daddy was expecting a little bit more, baby… are you saying you don't want daddy’s love now?”

You kiss her, smiling as you wrap your arms around her. She chuckles, as she kisses back. “Oh, someone finally decided what they want.” Her kisses become longer and more passionate. “But, just know, whatever daddy gives baby, it's not enough.” She continues to kiss you passionately. “You deserve the world, babygirl…”.

You continue to make out with her energetically. Her kisses become more passionate, as she grabs you. Her lips slide to your neck, as she gently bites it. “Baby, I think daddy wants more from you now….” She chuckles, as her teeth dig into your neck slightly.

“What daddy?” You ask her innocently.

“Baby, you should know what daddy wants by now.” She smiles, before she bites your neck again. “Do I really need to say it out loud for you, baby…?” Her voice is full of sass and playfulness.

“But I don't know daddy…” You say playfully looking at her, knowing exactly what she's referring to.

“Oh, baby, you know full well that daddy wants to keep making out with his little girl.” She caresses your hair, before she bites your neck again. “I thought you really wanted more from daddy…” Her teeth dig in a bit deeper now.

“I do… I want more than making out…” You say as you feel your face blushing. “Oh? Baby wishes to go further than making out?” She chuckles lightly. “Then I guess daddy shall give her more…”

She pulls you in for another passionate kiss. Her lips slide to your neck, as her teeth dig into it once again. She looks very seductively at you, as her voice remains full of sass. “Daddy would like a little favor in return…”

“Yes daddy?” You ask as she bites you again on your neck that's full of bruises and bite marks at this point.

“Good, baby, daddy didn't expect anything less.” She kisses your neck, before speaking again. “Hmm, what does baby think she has that daddy wants?” Her jaw tightens, as she looks at you. “Oh, maybe, it’s your lips?” She licks her lips before speaking again, as she glances down at you. “Well, baby shall get more from daddy…”

You look into her eyes. Her eyes sparkle now, as she gazes deeply into yours. “Oh, daddy’s little girl wants to have a staring contest? That’s cute…” She seems to enjoy this, her jaw remaining tight. “I don't think baby can win this staring contest though, her eyes don't sparkle as much as daddy’s after all…” Her voice is filled with sass still.

“Yes they do!” You say nudging her softly. “Hmm, do they really?” Her eyes continue to sparkle, as she still stares at you seductively. “Maybe baby is trying to trick daddy, but that won't work.” Her jaw remains tight, as she leans closer to you.

“No cheating.” You say looking at her playfully. “Well, baby, you still won't win anyway, daddy is just too good at this game, baby can't even last 5 seconds against him. ” She chuckles now, as she looks down at you.

“I'm gonna win, you'll see!” You tell her playfully but with a competitive look on your eyes.

“Hmm, baby is pretty confident… daddy does like that about you…” Her jaw tightens, as she still stares at you. “Well, daddy will just watch you and wait… not like you will manage to outstare daddy.” She smirks sarcastically.

“If I tickle you, you lose!” You exclaim sounding like a little kid.

“Oh, is that baby’s strategy? Tickle daddy?” She chuckles, still looking at you. “Daddy doesnt think baby is going to be able to tickle him, let alone make him laugh.” She sighs, as she continues to stare seductively at you. “You’re gonna have to try harder to win, baby…”

You start tickling her and she laughs slightly, as she tries to pull away from you. “Ohhhh, baby’s trying to tickle daddy?” She begins to laugh, as you continue to tickle her. “Oh, stop, baby! hahahaha…” She seems to be ticklish, and starts laughing more.

“You laughed! I win daddy!” You say, very excited. “Ah, I guess I lost.” She chuckles softly, as you stop tickling her. “Well, I guess it’s time for baby to fulfill daddy’s wish… Her jaw is still tight, as she grins seductively. “Will baby still give daddy that special gift?”

“Maybe…” You say teasingly. “Well, that ‘maybe’ won't do, baby girl…” She looks at you seductively. “Daddy still expects baby to give him that special gift…”

“And what is it you want?” You ask her, smiling. You know what she wants full well.

“Well, baby should know by now… daddy has already made it clear to her.” She looks at you seductively. “So now daddy can't be the one to speak first, baby.” Her voice remains teasing. “I suppose baby is just a bit shy to say it, huh?” You blush thinking about it.

Her eyes sparkle with the blush on your face appearing. “Oh, baby’s blushing now…” Her voice is slightly more teasing. “Well, baby needs to say what daddy wants…” She smirks softly. “Unless baby is a liar, and she doesn't want to give daddy that special gift after all.” Her tone is slightly more playful. “Daddy doesnt think baby would lie to him, would she?”

“I'm not a liar!” You say with a pout as you cross your arms.

“Good, baby, daddy didn't think you would be lying.” Her jaw is still tight. “So, baby was just a bit shy to say what daddy wanted?” She smirks softly, “Well, daddy understands why baby was shy to say it, it's a rather… naughty thing to say, isn't it?” You nod blushing even more. Her eyes sparkled once again. “Oh, look at that cute blush on my baby’s face.” She tilts her head, as she runs her fingers down your hair. “Hmm, baby looks so adorable when she’s blushing.” Her voice remains teasing and seductively playfull. “Well, daddy still wants to hear it from baby… is baby going to tell daddy, or is she still shy?”

You look at her shyly. “For me to get on my knees?…” You look away from her eyes.

“Well, do I need to ask more than once?” Her eyes sparkle, as her voice remains teasing. You kneel on the floor in front of her. She sits up slowly, and strokes your hair as you kneel before her. “Oh, baby looks so adorable when she’s on her knees…”

“Well… baby did what daddy wanted, so now daddy shall give her what she wants…” She talks in a calm tone as she strokes your hair still.

“I don’t know what I want daddy….” You say shyly looking at the ground. “Hmm, baby doesn't know what she wants? Well… Daddy has a few ideas for you…” She smirks slightly. “Daddy knows baby wants to keep being on her knees, so baby shall stay like that…” She runs her fingers along your skin now. “Don't worry, you shall get everything daddy wants to give you… but for now, baby’s just gonna stay on her knees.”

“Yes daddy.” You sit very still, just like she commands you. “That's it baby, daddy likes to see you stay on your knees, and not moving, just waiting for me.” She strokes your hair again, as her lips slide to your neck. “Baby is only going to get more from daddy if her good behavior continues…” Her voice is still teasing the whole time. You don't move. Not one muscle.

“Good, baby should learn to listen better when daddy tells her to do something.” She bites your neck again. “Daddy has a reward in a bit, but baby needs to stay still and wait for it, baby can't move an inch, understood?…Or else, daddy has to punish baby…” You still don't move as she ordered. She lets go of your hair now, as she grabs your chin. “Good girl… daddy likes it when baby behaves well.” Her voice becomes more sultry and demanding. “Now, maybe daddy shall give baby a reward, hmm… baby looks so adorable when she’s on her knees…” She rubs her thumb gently on your lips. “Maybe daddy shall let baby be his good girl now.” You nod, smiling up at Ellie in anticipation.

“That's baby’s way of saying ‘yes’ to daddy? Good girl, baby is learning how to talk back to her daddy.” She smiles softly, as her other hand runs down your hair. “How about… daddy puts a collar on you, so you’ll learn to behave properly…” She strokes your hair gently. Your eyes sparkle in excitement.

“Oh, I guess I hit the spot, didn't i?” Her eyes look at you seductively. “Well, it’s a good thing daddy and baby now have an understanding. so, baby is willing to be daddy’s good girl, right?”

“Yes daddy!” You grin happily.

“That’s my baby, you’re so adorable…” She smirks seductively. “So baby would like to be daddy’s good girl then?”

“Yes please daddy.” You say looking up at Ellie.

“Baby shall be his good girl now, baby deserves that collar for her good behavior.” She reaches over to her bedside table, and puts on a pink collar on you as you kneel before her. “This collar means you’ll always be daddy’s good girl, baby. Daddy will always hold the leash to your collar, that way, daddy’s good girl will always hear his voice, even if you can’t see daddy…”

“Yes daddy, anything you say.” You genuinely love being treated this way. It makes you feel loved and cared for. You don't really know how to explain it.

“Oh, so, baby is going to listen to daddy? She’s going to always hold daddy’s voice close, even if daddy is not near?” Her voice is still trying to seduce you. “Well, daddy is quite happy to hear that, baby is so obedient…” You look at her with love in your eyes as she ties the collar around your neck gently.

“Oh, look how pretty this collar is on you!” She looks at you so happy. “Daddy’s good girl looks even more adorable with a collar around her beautiful neck.” Her voice remains teasing and seductively sounding.

“Thank you daddy!” You're so proud to be her girl and for the collar she just gave you.

“Oh, you're so welcome baby, and daddy is quite happy to have his own good girl who listens to everything he says.” Her voice remains teasing. “Well, daddy is sure his good girl wants more rewards…”

“Does daddy want me to crawl for him?” You ask her, feeling good about yourself and how she's looking at you.

“Oh, daddy would love to see his good girl crawl for him….” She chuckles looking down at you.

“Why? So you can learn to behave when daddy isn't nearby?” Her voice is still teasing and sultry. You nod smiling up at Ellie. “Well, daddy’s good girl shall crawl for him now.” She smirks seductively. “If baby does this well, daddy shall give her more rewards.”

You follow Ellie crawling on all fours behind her, being led by the leash. She reaches over to you, and pulls you closer to her face. “Oh my… such a good girl, baby is following behind me.” She strokes your hair. You close your eyes as she caresses you.

“This could be the start of baby’s reward, if daddy gets impressed, then maybe baby will get more, just maybe…” Her voice remains teasing. You continue with your eyes closed as she strokes your hair, making you feel like you're hers and hers alone.

“Oh, I see my beautiful girl likes my touch.” She chuckles softly. “Keep crawling behind daddy a bit more, baby shall get more if she’s being a good girl…”

“Yes daddy.” You continue doing as she says. She looks back and sees you still crawling behind her.

“My baby is so obedient…” She strokes your hair again, and reaches over to pat your head. “Well, daddy wants to give baby a small reward for being a good girl.” You kneel waiting, looking at her. She pulls you closer, as she stares at you seductively. “That's it, baby, you’re doing such a good job for daddy.” Her eyes remain sparkling as she looks at your body. “Well, daddy can see you trying your best.” She continues to stroke your hair as she speaks. “But, you’re still gonna stay on your knees, baby.”

“Yes daddy.” You stop and look at the ground. “Oh, daddy is so glad to hear that, baby seems to always listen to him…” She looks lovingly in your eyes, holding your chin softly. “Maybe this is just another step in daddy making his good girl more and more obedient to him.”

“I love my daddy.” You say this looking into her eyes. “And daddy loves his good girl.” Her voice seems to be getting softer and more loving. “Daddy will always give his good girl all that she needs, when baby deserves it.”

“Thank you.” She leans back slightly now, as she strokes your hair. “Now, baby is going to listen to daddy when daddy needs, right?” You nod in compliance.

“That's how I like to hear it from my good girl…” Her voice is very seducing and sweet. “You’re quite loyal to daddy, and daddy likes that.” She continues to stroke your hair, as she gazes upon you gently.

“I'll always be loyal to you daddy.” You say with closed eyes as she pets you. She leans in close, and hugs you tightly. “Daddy is happy with his good girl, because daddy just wants what’s best for her, in return, daddy will always protect and give you whatever you want, baby.”

“Thank you, for protecting me daddy.” You thank her softly and sweetly, as you hug her back. “Oh, daddy is only doing the minimum for such a good girl like you.” She smiles softly. “Baby will always be safe, nothing will ever harm baby ever again.” Her voice is still sweet. “And daddy will always make sure baby gets all that she wants.”

“All I want is to make you happy.” You say lovingly while looking at her.

“Well, baby is always making daddy happy, so I guess she already has what she wants.” She smirks slightly now. “Well, daddy’s still gonna give you more.” She strokes your hair again as she speaks, her voice remains loving. She gazes upon your face, as she smiles. “Daddy has one more reward in mind, baby might like this…” She whispers softly now. “Would baby be okay if daddy were to.. touch her now?” You nod, smiling excitedly, almost jumping slightly at the mention of her touching you. “Oh, baby’s so adorable when excited.” She smiles softly. Her voice is still sweet. “Well, baby’s going to be very happy with daddy’s touch.” She leans in closer. “Daddy's going to treat you extra well, baby.”

“I can't wait daddy!” You say as you close your hands into light fists and wiggle them excitedly below your chin.

“Well, daddy is gonna give you all of his love and attention, baby is gonna be daddy’s special good girl.” She whispers. “And daddy’s gonna make it all worth it for you, so baby better prepare herself.” Her voice in your ear makes you shiver.

“Well, daddy’s going to start touching baby now, baby better be ready for her reward…” She leans in close. “And maybe baby will love what daddy does to her…” Your eyes are sparkling as she speaks. “Oh, my baby looks so happy, that’s how daddy likes to see her.” Her voice is still seductive as she looks you in the eyes.

“But baby might want to be calm for what’s to happen… baby might get a big surprise when daddy touches her…” She looks you up and down and takes off your t-shirt, to admire your body in the underwear she chose for you to wear today. A pink matching set. The same colour as your collar.

“Yes daddy.” You wait for Ellie to start moving.

“Alright, baby will just have to wait.” She smiles, as her jaw tightens. “Daddy’s gonna touch baby now…” She moves her body slowly closer to you.

“Where?” You ask innocently. She wraps her arms around your neck and pulls you up as her body presses close to yours.

“Well, daddy is going to start with your cute face…” She boops your nose cutely as she whispers gently and seductively. “Daddy is gonna give baby extra love, baby is very lucky to have daddy…”

“I really am lucky to have you daddy.” She kisses your cheek softly. “Well, Daddy always makes sure his good girl is loved and cared for.” She smirks, as her lips trail to your neck now. “Baby is gonna get so much from daddy…”

You kiss her sweetly and wrap your arms around her. She smiles as she kisses you back, her lips trail back to your neck.

“Yes, daddy will give baby even more than she could ever ask for… Daddy just wants the best for his good girl.” Her voice is teasing and seductive. You start feeling very excited. She starts touching your arm with the tips of her fingers lightly, making you shiver.

“Oh, daddy’s good girl seems to be enjoying this…” She bites your neck slightly. “Maybe daddy should keep going then… Just to see how much baby likes it…” Her fingers continue tracing your skin, now on your neck and chest. “This is just only a little bit, baby, daddy wants to give you more but.. baby has to be a good girl and stay still.” She gets up and looks at you with a serious look on her face and you sit still waiting for her to come back. She opens your dresser drawer and takes out your favorite vibrator. It's a pink small machine you use when Ellie can't be with you and you really want to feel good. She gave it to you as a gift for those times. You blush as soon as you see it in her hand and she starts walking back to the bed and sits next to you.

“Baby is behaving so well…” She bites her bottom lip slightly. “Maybe baby does deserve more… Daddy shall give baby the reward she deserves, baby has been such a good girl…” She touches you lightly with it. She's smiling mischievously as she does this. She lays you down on the bed slowly with your back to the mattress and holds one of your legs open. Then she starts trailing the object around your inner thigh very close to your pink panties. “Ready for more, baby?…” You nod, blushing even more as she touches you. “Good… Daddy will make you feel so good…” She presses it to your clothed pussy and you feel your panties start getting wet. You are feeling butterflies as she looks down at you in the eyes as she moves the vibrator still turned off. A few seconds later you can feel her pressing the button and it starts vibrating. As soon as it starts you let out a moan that made Ellie's eyes shine even brighter than they already were. “Feels good, doesn't it baby?” She asks not taking her eyes off of yours. She wants to see your every reaction to what she is doing. You nod frantically as you bite your bottom lip and start tugging at the sheets. Her other hand is gently stroking your hair. “Daddy is gonna move more now okay?” She says as she starts moving the vibrator in small circles over your clothed sensitive clit. You start moaning and every sound you make is music to her ears. “Baby’s gonna get more…” She breathes softly now. “But this is the most daddy can give baby for now though, baby still has to earn her rewards…” Her voice remains teasing, as she looks at you, eyes filled with lust. “Maybe baby deserves even more, but she will have to be extremely good for daddy to let her have it…”

“I'll be good daddy, please don't stop now…” You plead her with puppy eyes but she doesn't budge. “Beg more baby, let daddy hear that sweet voice of yours begging him for more…” She stops moving the vibrator but it's still pressed against your clit. “Please daddy, please, please don't stop now, I want you to make me feel good…” Her eyes shine as she hears you and starts moving it once again. You moan looking back at her and give her a gentle kiss. “That's my good girl…” She smiles as she continues her movements. She turns it off for a second and you whine from the lack of stimuli. She sits back up and gets in between your legs. She slowly brings her hands up to your inner thighs making you shiver. As she reaches your pussy and massages it gently, she feels your wet underwear. “Oh would you look at that… My baby is so excited already…” She pushes your panties to the side and touches you with her slender and skilled fingers and smiles at you, right as she feels your wetness. She starts moving them up and down your folds slowly teasing you. You moan quietly as she does this.

A few seconds later her wet fingers found their way to your swollen clit and started gently rubbing it, making you moan much louder. She continues for a minute or two before slowly stopping and taking her fingers off of you. She then brings them up to your mouth. “Open up baby… Suck daddy's fingers just like a good girl does…” You do as she says and open your mouth as she places her index and middle fingers on your tongue for you to suck them clean. She pushes them deeper into your throat making you tear up as you were about to gag. “ Good girl baby…” She is smiling, biting her bottom lip as she watches you do this. She then starts taking your panties off and picks up the vibrator once more. You blushed even more as you watched her do it.

“Be a good girl and don't move now… or daddy is going to have to punish you, understood?” You nod frantically as she places the object to your wet pussy. It's cold at first which makes you shiver but you don’t move. She smirks as she starts moving between your folds, so the object gets lubricated and when you least expect it she turns it on. It's the lowest setting but you slightly jump up as you feel it. “Don't move baby, be a good girl for daddy.” She says with a darkness spreading across her eyes. “Yes daddy…” You respond trying not to move anymore. She moves the vibrator up to your throbbing clit and you start moaning almost instantly. She chuckles to see you in the state you are right now. She's getting drunk on your sweet moans.“Oh, baby’s being loud for daddy…” She leans down and presses her lips on yours, continuing to stimulate you. You moan into the kiss and Ellie is going crazy to the sound of your voice. With her other hand she starts collecting your slick in her fingers. “So wet for daddy, such a beautiful girl I have…” She gets them lubricated from your love juices and starts slowly prodding at your hole as the vibrator is still on your clit. She starts fingering you and you can't help but arch your back and try to close your legs but Ellie holds them open for her viewing. She loves the way your pussy swallows her fingers so well. “Fuck baby… look at that….” She starts feeling her own boxers getting wet from looking at you, she really wants to touch herself, but she wants to make you cum more. She can't help licking her lips and biting her bottom one.

You are starting to feel that familiar knot form in your belly as the pleasure keeps getting more intense and your moans show it. With the vibrator on your clit and her fingers inside you you are gonna cum in no time. Ellie knows this and is loving every second of it. “That's it baby, cum on daddy's fingers.. be a good girl and cum for him to taste you…” As you hear her voice it is as if your body responds by itself and you feel your orgasm brewing and quickly wash over you as your mind is starting to go blank from all the pleasure she's providing you right now. She doesnt stop though and puts the vibrator in the next setting, making you almost scream her name for all the neighbors to hear. “Good girl baby… Take what daddy gives you and don't complain.”

You cum on her fingers as she continues her actions. You start feeling light headed from all the sensations she's providing you. You never knew you could feel this good. Ellie looks at you with an almost predatory look in her eyes as if you were her prey and she was about to devour you. She starts kissing your soft lips, still not stopping. Her lips trail down to your neck and your chest as she is very slowly starting to stop fingering you. She brings her fingers to her mouth and sucks every last drop of your cum, moaning as she does it. She then moves your bralette to the side to expose your nipples without taking it off because she loves seeing you with it on. She kisses your beautiful breasts gently as she starts to suck on one of them, fondling it. The vibrator is still pressed to your bundle of nerves and you are going crazy to her touch. She sucks harder and nibbles at your sensitive nipples making them poke out. You start feeling goosebumps forming on your skin as you feel her lips trailing down your abdomen, leaving bites and wet kisses as she goes. She turns off the pink machine and massages your clit slowly as if to caress it. Your breath starts getting more even as she calms down a bit. She looks at you with a mischievous look in her eyes. “Is baby having a good time so far? Daddy is not done yet though…”

You look down at her as she speaks to you but you're caught by surprise as you feel her tongue now on your throbbing clit instead of her skilled fingers. You start moaning almost instantaneously and she smirks at your body's reaction. She starts working her magic on you and you feel as if another orgasm is approaching. Ellie cant take it anymore and picks up the vibrator as she brings it down to her own crotch. She turns it on and massages her needy clit as she moans into your own, making you feel the vibrations in her voice. The room is filled by both of your moans and the faint sound of the TV in the background. Ellie looks like a starved woman as she continues eating you out like there's no tomorrow.

She's feeling so good that she doesn't want to stop. She can feel her own orgasm approaching as she moves the vibrator around inside her boxers. As the pressure builds up, she starts moaning louder and her breath starts becoming raged. She sucks your clit as she feels her orgasm wash over her. She's almost humping her own hand which is holding the pink vibrator. “Fuck baby…. Daddy wishes he could cum inside of you… Baby has no idea how much daddy wants that…” She feels her cum on her fingers as she is coming down from her high. She turns off the tiny machine and puts it to the side to be washed later. She puts her hand inside her soaking boxers and collects some of her cum as she looks into your glistening pussy. She wants so bad for her cum to be inside you. Her eyes go dark for a bit as she considers stuffing you with her fingers that are now covered with her own cum. She licks your slit clean from top to bottom with her skilled tongue. Then she brings her cum covered fingers and stuffs you with two, making you gasp as you were not expecting it. You quickly look down and see Ellie with a mischievous smirk as she puts her cum inside you. “Look baby…. Daddys cum is inside you… doesn't it feel nice?” She comes up, her fingers still inside you as she kisses you exploring your mouth with her tongue and you let her. Moaning into the kiss. “Just so you know who you belong to…” She looks into your eyes and brings her hand up to your mouth gesturing for you to open up. She almost makes you gag as she studs her slender fingers down your throat as you taste both of your juices together and nearly get drunk on them. She then slowly pulls them out letting you breathe and kisses you gently.

You both now laid in bed next to each other. You were hugging her and she caressed your smooth hair. “Daddy loves you so much…” She says with her eyes closed and gives you a kiss on the forehead. “And I love you daddy, more than you know…” You two were now about to drift off to sleep as you embraced each other tightly. You never wanted to let go. If it were up to you you'd never leave Ellie’s harms ever again.

The next few days were filled with more moments like this one. You and Ellie were falling hard for each other. She was so proud to have you and to call you hers. She loved everything about you. Your sunny personality, your hair, your eyes, your smile and your cute laugh when she would tell you unfunny dad jokes. She loved your touch and your kisses. She loved being able to get to know you so intimately. She could look at you forever and never get tired. In just a few weeks you turned into the most important person in the world for her. The one she never wanted to lose.

[sapiowoman28]

Try (Chapter 6): Madam's Party

Pairing: Mark x Y/N x Johnny

Genre: smut, fluff, undercover au with cranky undercover agents

Warnings: mentions of Mark's mental health issues, brief mention of bathroom sex, drug use, Jaehyun is miserable, Doyoung is back, Taeyong saves the day, mentions of a fight. Oh, and Ten doesn't like women hitting on him.

Note: the next few chapters after this one and the next will focus more on the relationship between Johnny and Y/N as well as the dynamic between Doyoung and Y/N.

Mark watched the screen as his online payment went through. He had just booked his tickets for his trip to London. This time he planned to stay 2 weeks.

He had learned his lesson. That one time a year or two ago he stayed there for a month, and it was a total disaster. He came back with his head all messed up, panicking about life in general.

Then both Taeyong and Y/N convinced him to do some online therapy thing and things got better. He was in a better head space now. He was no longer a nervous wreck, overthinking his life and his future. But he kept his trips short. The London weather just didn't agree with him, and he didn't really enjoy the vibe there.

His phone beeped. He picked it up to see who had texted.

"Hey." it was Y/N. He missed his best friend terribly. But he wasn't sure if he was ready to talk.

"Hi." he replied after 2 minutes of staring at the message.

"You going for the party?"

"Yeah. With Kun and Lucas."

"I'm going too."

"With Doyoung?" he smiled to himself. "I heard he's going."

"Mark Lee! You never change do you?" he could imagine her looking exasperated. He giggled to himself.

Silence. He put his phone back down.

It dinged again a minute later. It was her.

"I should have used the safe word when you did what you did. Instead i just continued and got resentful. And made you leave after that."

"I should have been gentle.... I'm sorry Y/N."

"Maybe we need to talk about no go areas. Johnny thinks three of us should have dinner next week and talk. We're all new to this you know."

"I'm going to London next week. For two weeks."

"Can I go too? I really want to meet that weird uncle of yours who believes in aliens."

They ended up talking on the phone, catching up about life the past 2 weeks. Neither of them mentioned the incident again. The discomfort was still a little too fresh in their minds. But they were glad they were talking again.

The party was in full swing when Y/N arrived at half past 11. Yuta had indeed booked the entire VIP section and just about everyone was there. A small group of people had formed around Doyoung, fussing over him and his crutches and he was enjoying every bit of attention he was given. She rolled her eyes.

She wasnt sure if she was ready to face him yet. Their relationship had been terse since that incident where she punched him in the face during a heated argument. in the middle of an operation. in fact when Doyoung got into an accident during the next operation she was a little relieved he would be out for a while to recover. Now he was a little more mobile, it sure looked like he would be back sooner rather than later.

But having to deal with Taeyoung was worse. At least Doyoung recognised she was the best person to get advice on technology matters, and respected her recommendations. So maybe Doyoung being back would be a good thing. She decided to walk over. Doyoung had spotted her, and there was no escape now anyway.

"DDDDDDD!!!!!!" she shrieked excitedly hoping she was at least a little convincing.

"Oh my! Y/N! You are looking good! Must be the glow of love?" Doyoung winked as they hugged.

Stupid Taeyong. He couldn't ever stop talking about Johnny to everyone.

"I see Taeyong's told you."

"Yes, of course, he really really approves." Doyoung whispered. "I just hope you're behaving?"

Y/N sighed. The legacy of her and Mark was always going to be there. No escape. She wished they'd get over it for once. It only happened the first 6 months of her joining the unit. They had already declared each other as best friends a year ago. But everyone still insisted they had a thing for each other.

Some other person faked shrieked at Doyoung and she left as soon as she could, taking a seat at the bar to people watch, ordering a drink. She scanned the room, cursing silently as she saw Ten approaching.

She wasn't in the mood to talk about work now. He wasn't pleased with the first draft of her report, and wanted to make changes she didn't approve of. The guy had something stuck up his ass. It always had to be done his way, but it just wasn't always the best way to go about things.

"Hi my dear!" Ten gave her a kiss on both her cheeks. "Looking good! Heard from Taeyong you have a boyfriend now."

She was going to kill Taeyong.

"You look hot, Ten. I love your shirt! Are the girls throwing themselves at you again?" she grinned.

Ten grimaced. "I seriously don't want to talk about it."

"You're so handsome, I don't blame them you know." she pinched his cheek. He laughed.

"About the report you emailed me." he started.

"I saw your email. But i don't wanna talk about work tonight, Ten. Can we just have fun?" she pouted.

"Fine. I'll call you on Monday. Anyway i just came over to say hi and tell you how good you're looking. I've to go back to the guys. I've been tasked to keep an eye on Jaehyun tonight. He's being a little heavy with the drinking."

"I'm sorry, is this seat taken?" they turned to look. Mark.

"Hello stranger." Y/N grinned. Mark looked adoringly at her.

"I promise I won't tell anyone." said Ten, slipping away. "Your boyfriend won't ever find out!"

"What's wrong with him?" mark asked.

"He's been tasked with babysitting Jae."

"Oh man. Dude must be in a totally angsty mood now."

"Yeah this party isn't helping, you know. It's like Yuta rubbing in his face, 'I got a promotion, Jaehyun! I got a promotion! Yay!!!'"

"And you're drinking?" he tasted her gin and tonic. "You can't even handle the alcoholic content of Kombucha."

"Mark Lee! I swear to god! I was not tipsy on Kombucha that time. You need to stop telling that story to everyone. I can hold my liquor!" Y/N faked strangled him as he giggled.

Their eyes met. And the laughing stopped.

"I missed you." he said.

"You were the one who refused to talk to me. For two fucking weeks, Mark Lee! Two weeks!" she chided.

"You didn't talk to me either."

"I wanted to give you space."

"Thanks. I needed time to think."

"Are you done thinking?"

"Yeah.

"What's the conclusion."

"I agree with you guys that we need to discuss no-go areas. We can do that when I'm back."

"Ok. As long as your mind is not fucked up like that time... "

"It was just one time, Y/N! Just one time!"

"I'm just teasing you baby. Im glad therapy has helped you feel more grounded." She smiled. "I'm proud of your progress you know."

"I miss you calling me baby." he grabbed her hand.

"Mark, people are watching. I bet Kun's watching us now." she scanned the room, catching Kun's eye at the other side of the bar where he was with Lucas and Doyoung. Kun, realising he had been caught watching, looked away after shaking his head.

"Idiot." she cursed. "Maybe we should put on a show to irritate him."

Mark giggled.

"I can't believe Lucas and Doyoung are hanging out." Y/N nudged Mark, whose eyes grew huge upon realising that they were indeed siting together.

"Lucas fucking hates him, yo!"

"Well Doyoung doesn't like Lucas much either. Which makes this funny."

"Half the people here don't like the other half. They're all pretending."

"So are you pretending to like me too Mark Lee?"

"What do you think, Y/N?"

"You love me." she grinned.

"Well you love me too." he winked then stiffened. This conversation was getting odd. Y/N looked away.

They spent the evening in a comfortable silence, watching the party get rowdier and rowdier as more people joined. Some people started to bring out the magical stuff and it was downhill from there.

Y/N knew she was done for the night when she needed the rest room, only to enter it and find Yuta with his lady bent over the sink, him screwing her. She froze, they stopped to look at her, eyes dilated from whatever drug they had taken.

"Er. Hi guys!" she chirped awkwardly.

"Y/N!!!" Yuta exclaimed excitedly as Madam giggled. "Hi Y/N!"

"Bye!" she grinned.

she turned around stomping off. She needed to pee. Badly. There was only one person who could help her.

"Taeyong!" She yelled as she stomped towards him. He was talking to Mark and Taeil. All three of them looked at her.

"Hmm. Someone looks crossed." Taeyong teased. She wasn't in the mood for teasing.

"I need to pee urgently, but your two best friends are in there screwing. You're the only person who can sort this out, Tae! Please, put your tyrant nature to good use?"

Mark laughed hysterically as Taeil shook his head and smiled.

"Your wish is my command, Miss Y/N" Taeyong laughed before strding to the female restroom to scare them out.

"And you thought your unit was dysfunctional." Taeil said to Y/N who burst out laughing.

Taeyong came back after completing his task, and Y/N raced to the washroom, glad to finally be able to pee. She washed her hands, and was touching up her lipstick when she heard Mark's voice.

"Er. Y/N?" He stood at the door awkwardly.

"Mark, what the heck?"

"I think we should leave. A fight broke out."

"what happened?"

"I think Jaehyun challenged Yuta to a fist fight."

Y/N sighed. Maybe Taeil was right about his unit. And yes, it was time to call it a night. But she was hungry.

"Supper?" she asked Mark. His eyes lit up as he nodded his head.

[zontiky]

okay so i tried to save this ask as a draft and it got deleted because tumblr is just such a functional website like that <3 but the prompt was “the hargreeves as ghosts in the apocalypse with five” or something like that i’m going to scream

this is SUPER long so i’m putting it under the cut hfkjsd

pre-five: the hargreeves siblings are dead. wait i feel a drabble coming on ooh

The Hargreeves siblings are dead.

Ben isn’t very aware of this at first. He’s been dead since 2006 -- he’s quite used to it, by now. What he is aware of, first, is light. Blinding white light. And Vanya, in the middle of it. He doesn’t close his eyes because he can’t feel pain, but if he could he thinks she would have made him blind. There’s light, and heat, and power, and then he closes his eyes anyway because the ceiling is collapsing around him and it’s instinctual.

When he opens them again he sees ash. Ash -- and Klaus.

He’s gotten used to Klaus, too. Klaus has a memorable sort of face; even if he didn’t, Ben has seen it every single day for almost twenty years. He doesn’t know if it’s actually been twenty years, for him. He doesn’t know how time moves for ghosts. Klaus has assured him it moves the same as it does for the living. Ben isn’t sure Klaus, stoned out of his mind, bleeding sluggishly from his arm, knew what he was talking about.

Anyway.

Klaus.

He’s wearing the coat he’s been flaunting around for the past week. His shirt is see-through, with little stars on it, like a pale imitation of the sky. Ben remembers his pants had laces on them, he’s sure they did not a minute ago, before the brightness that threatened to wipe out his very soul -- his soul is all he has left, really. His gaze drifts down anyway, to check.

Yes. Klaus’ pants have laces up the sides.

“No,” Ben says. Klaus is laying in a heap on the ground, his fingers curled like his tendons have been cut.

His lips feel numb because they always feel numb. Because Ben can’t feel at all. He takes a step. “No,” he says again, louder, surer. “No!”

Klaus looks up at him. His makeup is smudged, like it tends to be. His lips are bitten raw, like they tend to be. His hair is a mess, like it tends to be, and like it will be, always, because Klaus isn’t breathing.

Klaus is lying in a heap on the ground. Klaus is standing above his own body. Klaus is reaching for Ben like he’s hoping to touch him for the first time in years. Just when Klaus’ cold, dead, fingers brush his face, a voice from behind says, so quietly, dripping with disbelief: “Ben?”

Ben shuts his eyes and wishes desperately he could cry.

He feels a hand on his shoulder, for the first time in so, so long, but he also doesn’t feel it at all. He feels-but-doesn’t-feel someone turn him around, until they are saying, “Ben? Ben!” and he has no choice but to open his eyes and face the music.

Diego is gripping his shoulders like he is a dying man and Ben is the answer. Behind him, Luther and Allison watch them, stunned silent. Allison’s hands are pressed to her mouth. She looks like she wants to cry. 

And Vanya. Little Vanya, painted white. Her head is hung as her shoulders shake with the weight of the destruction she has so inevitably caused. (Ben would say he always knew she was destined for great things -- but he can’t, because he didn’t.) (Nobody ever said great things had to be good.)

The Hargreeves siblings are dead. Their bodies are strewn across what is left of their childhood home, smouldering and burning, and Ben is very aware of that fact.

righto anyway. so they have an emotional reunion but its also kind of bitter? id have to actually write this for it to make sense so lets skip it for now lol

five shows up

he cannot see them obviously bc theyre all ghosts

god if i did write this it would be such a monster of a fic and would take me like 2 years to finish i already know fhkjdsk

somehow ?? they manage to influence the world around them maybe? idk maybe now that klaus is dead hes sober

or maybe hes high for all eternity?

for the purposes of this au lets say he died sober or in the late stages of withdrawal, and bc ghosts cant feel pain in action hes sober

so EVENTUALLY they figure out how to corporealize bc klaus is like blam wham ghost powers

asdlfk that sounds so stupid im sorry

he would say that tho imho,,, it sounds like something hed say,,,

if i DID write this it would be alternating povs also,,,

ok so out of all of them klaus and ben have the most experience homeless

and while being stuck in an apocalypse is not at all the same thing as being homeless it does help to have some knowledge

five doesnt eat the twinkie!! good for him

dammit okay. theres 2 options we can take here. in the comics five couldnt get back bc he fucked up his math and spent 15 years doing the wrong thing, but if u apply that here, with 6 other ppl checking his work this could be avoided and they end up skipping the whole assassin shtick and just hopping straight back to 2019, ready to prevent the apocalypse

OR five still gets hired for the commission but the sibs are tagging along

i think bc five isnt completely alone in this au unfortunately dolores doesnt exist :((

for each other the 2 paths tho theres also options?? bc they (ghosts) can go back in time and inhabit their past selves bodies? OR they could just,,, cease to exist

IM JUST NOW REALIZING HOW MANY PATHS THIS COULD TAKE,, AAH FUCK

okay gonna split this into parts. this is gonna be so long brace yourselves.

1) they go back in time because math checking and the ghosts swap out for their past selves

after multiple years of being stuck in an apocalypse together i think they would learn to get along with each other. like at least a little bit

which would make it easier for them to prevent the apocalypse

bc theyd:

trust each other more

already know abt the apocalypse and not have to wait for five to grace them all with his knowledge

are working as a team from the very beginning

have open lines of communication

yeah uh. so there

vanya is also already aware of her powers so the whole harold goading her into turning against her family and snapping to wipe out all life on earth thing? yeah that doesnt happen

oh and harold wouldn’t know how to do that in the first place because klaus wouldn’t throw out reggie’s journal! this solves so many problems wtf

there’s still commission issues bc they (and by they i mean five) are on the commission’s radar

so there’s still dope fight scenes sdlkfd pinky promise

okay idk. they stop the apocalypse and everything is okay the end hfkjd

2) they fix the math but only five can go back and the ghosts cease to exist

this is just sad! it would be sad okay! im sad! lets move on

subset of the past one: ben CAN go back with five because he was already dead and time travel affects them differently or something idk

aaaaaa

five & ben dynamic duo would be dope as shit BUT five would not be able to see him... so they use klaus as a middleman fjsdsfd

is there 2 bens? is one ben deleted in favor of the time-traveling ben? i dont know! i dont know my brain is melting

either way shit is happening yall!! obviously klaus is clued in, directly or indirectly it doesnt matter but he is on board the ‘don’t let the entire world end in flames’ train

3) they join the commission and then when five goes back in time they all go back

this is fun because now five is a highly trained assassin who is also lowkey a complete marshmallow for his siblings and once again TEAMWORK WOO

basically the first path but now five has a gun fhsdjk

4) they join the commission but five has to leave them behind and they cease to exist

five with a gun but hes sad now

i didnt go into how much losing his siblings would suck in the prev path but like. it would suck so much. he’s already lost them once if you think about it when he time traveled the first time and yeah he found the adult ghost versions but,, its different

and now suddenly hes stuck with these strange adult versions of the people he knows and he KNOWS them but also he doesnt? at all? they dont have all the years of shared experiences together? and theyre all grown up from the first ‘set’ of siblings he had which for five was like 40+ years ago??

SCREAMS

i have losing my mind disease (self-diagnosed)

subset: five has to leave them behind but they still exist because the commission is out-of-time kind of? idk but they’re still floating around somewhere and come back to impact the plot later or something

yeah idk. literally just wrote them down bc i didnt want them to die^2 hfkjwehd

subset: they still exist but instead of being just Somewhere they’re specifically at the assassination of JFK onwards because thats where five left them and they either go on ghosting and make an appearance in s2 OR they cease because them-wise they havent died yet but that doesnt make sense because ghosts can time travel so nevermind

i dont have the brain energy left to explore this one aaaa

okay jesus christ i think that’s all

I DON’T KNOW. i don’t know. i might write some more of this because honestly it is a very fine flavor of angst + hurt/comfort <3

[logicheartsoul]

Hey! I hope this is OK to ask but do you have any tips on completing multi chap works? I’m in a pickle, I tend to create large complex plots with tons of chapters, but falter to actually write anything past the first five chapters. I do oneshots now & then to finish s o m e t h i n g, but i would really like to finish a bigger fish so to speak (oh but no pressure on answering if this makes you uncomfortable! Have a nice day! :] )

On one hand, I'm quite flattered and honored that you asked me this question, on the other hand, I wish I could give you better concrete answers because I have: 1) a huge, chronic WIP pile problem (I have over 600+ wips I've accumulated since 2016); 2) I am one of those people who finishes oneshots and posts them or I have extremely huge wips just...sitting there, unfinished (I can definitely list you word counts on those, they range from 12K to like...over 70K. I know, it's a problem lmao!); 3) Before 2016, I had a problem finishing multi-chaptered stories, and I promised myself to not write any more and now, I have one I haven't...finished either though I know how the entire story goes (mostly because it's going to go into some extremely dark/heavy topics and the climate right now I don't have the mental energy to deal with it).

For the times I've been consistently on a writing roll (one time I wrote over 100K+ of words within a month-ish, but not all on the same project, some were snippets, some were oneshots), what helped me a bit on that was actually have cheer readers? I had friends where I would literally post the works and they would read all excited. Granted, it was shared on discord, but the principle applies. They were people who supported me but also whose writing opinions I respected, I think that's key.

Honestly though, the differing kinds of advice I could give, I've only heard from friends I know. Some of them love outlining or doing detailed notes. Some of them just like talking about it and having someone to soundboard off. And the thing with long stories though is to have some kind of patience -- unless you end up zipping off and finishing something from start to finish something lengthy in one long burst and also potentially losing sleep -- these things take time to develop and grow, and actual physical energy to create: the act of typing, the brain energy it takes to actually think about the worlds, the characterizations, the plots, etc.

Some people I know like to take time to dedicate at least a "little" bit to putting the words into the story, either through timed sprints, or a word count limit (ex. "write 500 words for this draft this week") or whatever. I have a friend whose been working on this fic for over 15 years and it's not finished, but real life has gone in the way. You gotta work with your mental and physical health reserves and try to work with your life's schedule. It's fun to create but don't do it at the expense of your wellbeing or treat it like a job or something that'll make you hurt because then it'll make it harder to finish.

Also, I do remember reading a post about working up to being able to churn out a lot of words very quickly. The thing is, that's as much a skill, as anything else. And most people do not start out being able to write fast. Back in 2016, after I came off a 10 year writing hiatus, I didn't know future me would be able to concoct a 20k-ish draft of something in a day if I was inspired. I wrote oneshots that some ended up becoming longer than others and worked my way up. Some of that had to do with having a writing partner for a short while but another was just... to try to finish a draft of a longfic that was completed, even if I never posted it.

I still consider that an accomplishment, even if the way I went about it was NOT healthy (and I do not advise anyone to do what I did but I also recently at the time was out of college and unemployed at the time so I could do this), but I had spent over 36? ish hours typing this 12K story just taking stops for food and bathroom breaks. It wasn't the most prettiest of drafts and it's hella hella rough, but for the first time I was able to look at something I did and go: "Hey, it's a longfic. It's completed. It's done. Wow." (And then I ended up passing out for 18 hours.)

Perhaps doing something like that might help, along with people who might be able to read your work while you're working on it to be like 'AHHHH THIS IS GREAT I CAN'T WAIT' or whatever. Slowly work your way up to the kind of really complex story you want to write. Or you could reward yourself with something when you got to certain milestones in the fic you wanna write. And there's no shame in working on more than one fic at a time, if you can handle that. (I have some friends who are one story at a time people and that's totally ok.) There's nothing wrong either with taking a step back to breathe and have a fresh set of eyes on your story either.

I dunno if you've posted the first five chapters or not on some of your stories, some friends of mine suggested I do that to motivate me. If you haven't done this, maybe that might work for you! (Sadly, it does not work for me. My track record sadly speaks for itself lmao)

I do know for certain though, I end up writing more and putting more into the stories when I actually feel ok. As in I feel I have enough physical and mental energy, that my physical and mental health and things going in my life are doing moderately "ok". I haven't written much in months and my actual desire/urge to do so without it feeling painful has been going on for awhile. But I know right now I need to focus on that, and it's been kinda good, coming back in bits and pieces in the last week or so, but it's not there yet. I know it will be though.

So, honestly, anon, I am in the same boat as you and I wish I could give you some tried and true tips. All I can give you is examples of other friends' who have worked on things and their process and methods -- and these are people who have finished multi-chaptered works. Sometimes having small goals helps. Sometimes organizing things helps (outlines or detailed notes or some infographic timeline or etc). Having cheer readers around is nice (and does kinda work for me). Sometimes doing timed sprints (whether they're 5 or 10 minute or longer) by yourself or with others helps.

If anyone has any better suggestions, feel free to let anon know!

[peachymess]

hi! your art is fantastic! i was wondering - how long does it take for you to finish an art work?

Thank you! ^^

And it varies greatly. Speed is my biggest obstacle when it comes to art. I could lie and say I doodle out stuff in an hour – or I could call half bad drawings I spent hours on, a “doodle”. Sometimes I think I do – but for me, “doodle” is more about how seriously I took the job. If I throw down lines and squiggles and do some line-arting on top without really caring about the details, that’s a doodle to me, even if I then proceed to spend hours on correcting lines, getting the colors right, and trying out different filters for every experimental shadow.

Over all, I spend a lot of time on drawing, and I mean a lot. But I’m getting better! They say you’ve gotta make 50 bad pieces for every good one (simplified, but you get the gist), so you’re best served not spending days on every piece. What I’ve found helps, is to not get overly invested in every piece. It’s a little sad, because you gotta have your heart in the art, right? Yeah. But that heart should be in your love for the craft and your enjoyment in performing it; not in one specific piece and its need to be perfect. Sure, some pieces are special, but if you can’t distinguish between your magnum opus and just your average drawing, every single drawing will feel equally important to you, and that will slow you down from the sheer weight of it. 

Pro tip I wish someone would have told me a long time ago: nobody looks as closely at your drawings as you do (talking about the general public; loving friends might).

In other words, painfully slaving over details you find only when you zoom in,… ant nobody gonna tell the difference. Unless you’re insanely good and got 50K on insta, aint nobody gonna zoom in on all your work and look for the easter eggs you put in there (@me, lol). Learn what’s important to spend time on, and what can be left alone. If I had been given back all the time I’ve wasted on details that nobody even sees… I could have made a lot more art lol. 

Learn what matters – like general proportions, interesting expression, big things that people could pick out from a distance. And story! Oh boy, don’t get me started on story! Unless you’re really good, people usually won’t be impressed with just a head shot with no story. Armin smiling generically into the void in ¾ view, no background? 

“Cool. But I’ve seen a million generic Armins like it. Why should I be invested in this one in particular?” 

Say something with your art, make me feel or think something. Because with so many good artists out there, it’s hard to get ahead on just the aesthetics alone. Make a joke. Show something mid-action (like someone slipping on a banana peel; instantly more engaging than a static pose that tells no story).  

Why am I being so harsh? It all ties back to speed… Once you realize that your pieces, generally, aren’t that big of a deal, you can hopefully put aside some of that anxiety over it having to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be, and the details you spend an extra two days on will rarely matter to anyone but yourself (which is ok, I just want you to be aware. If you’re very proud of something, maybe point it out to invite people to pay attention to it. But otherwise, they probably won’t look at your drawing for that long before deciding to reblog or move on). If you enjoy making those details, please go ahead! Art should be about what YOU like to do, at the end of the day. But if your speed ties into your perceived self-worth, like it does with me,… well, I got a lot faster once I realized that nobody really cares all that strongly. (Though, I’m in no way discrediting all the support and love I receive, guys, thank you – truly. I’m talking in the grand scheme of things. Art is a lot more personal to the artist, than to the random scroller-by). 

How many of you would stop being my friend or suddenly dislike me just because I draw Armin with a wonky nose and disproportionate arms sometimes? Yeah, no, if I put out an unfortunate piece, so what? (Hell, if I can tell a funny joke with it, you might even enjoy it all the same!) Once I learned to understand that every piece is not a blaring spotlight on me where all eyes will be on me and my mistakes, I got faster. 

… and with that insanely long prologue, here’s how much time I generally spend:

The first art I started (in 2016), took over a year to finish. 

Though, in the meantime, I think I put out a “doodle”. I call it a doodle because I intentionally simplified the anatomy so it would be easier to make – but this one still took me four months to finish! 

(The above images took me a year, and 4 months respectively). 

In other words, in 2016, my average was MONTHS – on just one drawing! Keep in mind, I quit art for ten years before this, just from how much anxiety is gave me over my self worth (if I made one bad line, it meant I was worthless). 

In 2017, I think my average was weeks. I had to take breaks between sessions a lot just to cope with the building anxiety. I look at the finished products now and I think “look how few steps this needed. With how much time I spent, I must have averaged one single brush stroke an hour”. And it’s probably about right. Although, I did manage to finish one drawing in a single day, and I remember being really proud of that!

(Above, the first one is an example of stuff I’d tinker with for weeks, while the second one is the one I completed in a day due to it being his birthday and the pressure was on to get it done)

In 2018, I think my average was 2 or 3 days. I put out more smaller pieces, stuff that doesn’t need to be as elaborate. At my peak, I think I could do two of those meme-things per day. Looking back, though, I can see a clear difference between time spent on “doodles” and time spent on projects I put my heart into. I spent days on the eremin week entries, for example. This was the year I started to learn to tier my projects.

(The above shows an art I admittedly spent over a week on, much thanks to the needless details in the bottles, while the second is one of two pieces I completed during one day)  

In 2019, I don’t think I shortened down my average a lot, but looking through my gallery now, I see that I started doing more elaborate pieces. So… if I spend as long as before, but get bigger and better content out of it, that’s improvement too! 

(Above you’ll see an art that probably took me a couple of days - 4 or 5 maybe? - and the second once which took me an hour I think? A good example of how much better i’ve gotten at tiering projects and not being afraid of making sloppy art just for the fun of it). 

So far in 2020, I’ve only drawn for Armin week, and I spent an evening to a day on each one of them. After finishing one, I’d uploading it to my drafts, then lie in bed and scrutinize it, zooming in, looking and looking. Then the next morning, I’d get up and spend an average of an hour fixing/editing them because I was getting increasingly displeased with them. So I think on average… god honest truth, even if I’m a little self-conscious about it, I think I spend an average of 8 - 18 sitting hours on anything. This includes the revisions.  

(Above you’ll see the entry I spent the most time on first - I’m guessing probably 12 sitting hours - and the one I spent the least time on - I’m guessing 5 hours)

I love drawing, but it’s very hard for me. I’ve used drawing as my main source of personal self-improvement for the last couple of years - for many reasons; it has a lot of lessons to teach me. It’s not always fun, and it’s rarely easy. But.. uh. It’a been worth it? I don’t know what your art journey is, but I hope this gave you some help, inspiration or comfort. Good luck and draw with heart, not fear. 

[supernoondles]

2019

The last day of 2019 was also the day I fainted for the first time--a fitting metaphor for the year.

2019 was overall very emotionally taxing. This year was emotionally defined by falling intensely, deeply in love with someone (who is a very private person so I will try to be vague to respect that) and being in a lot of pain because of situations mostly outside of our control. There were a lot of intensely joyous moments, and a lot of intensely sad ones. Throughout it all I wish I had communicated better. I also made some bad decisions with another person I really loved and cared about that resulted in us growing apart. Do I think I grew from the experiences? For sure. Do I wish I could have come upon these realizations through a different course of action? Also yes. Am I fully healed from the experiences? Not really, but I've been getting better.

2019 was also very bad in terms of research. It was the 2nd year of my PhD. After I submitted my rotation project I basically felt stuck in the swamp of my advisors rejecting new project ideas for like literally half a year. This, combined with my high emotional volatility (partially due to starting birth control), made me really sad, unmotivated, and susceptible to self-blame. I definitely had high expectations for myself and became frustrated at my lack of progress and felt a lot of pressure from myself to get my shit together. I also felt incredibly bad after most advisor meetings and not supported by one of them to the point where I had to have a conversation with him about the lack of support (which was very scary)! Things started picking up, though, near the end of the year. I published a paper in collaboration with a former post-doc/now professor elsewhere whom I learned a lot from, and started finally building out another system. I also started mentoring an undergrad who at some point told me I helped him feel like he had something important to say and belong at Stanford for the first time and those words meant a lot to me. I think I'm continuing to refine what I value as research contributions and increasingly think about what it means to build systems that aren't used outside of the lab to satisfy the annual conference publishing cycle. I'm also starting to feel the pressure of doing work that follows a narrative rather than random projects that interest me.

Oh, I guess in terms of "program requirements," I did finish taking required classes, passed qualifying exams, and got a master's degree. But honestly those weren't hard at all nor do I think are externally valued in the larger research community, so I don't really celebrate them as accomplishments beyond surface level.

In 2019 I saw two different therapists. The first one was awful, I think directly influenced some of my bad decisions, and also didn't respect my gender identity??? The second one is a lot better and I'm grateful to see her, even if 90% of our sessions are just talking about my relationship (romantic/advisor) issues, which is something I want to move away from in the future. But I also feel incredibly privileged when relationship issues are the primary stressors in my life--I am grateful I feel equipped to handle other crap, like deadlines, and don't have to worry about my own health.

Those were the main things that have colored this year. We'll now move into the section of this post where I go through my photos to jog my memory of other events.

New years started a tradition of getting dim sum with Jasper, Matthew, and Michelle dear to my heart. My high school friend was also visiting and we all attended a really awesome new year's eve party. I was also going on a lot of dates and having a lot of good sex, which made me really happy, and at the same time crying all the time at work. In February I received probably the best gift anyone has ever given me and saw Panic! at the Disco, which I said in an end of the year group meeting was a good memory of my year (it was, to relive my scene days!). In March I roadtripped both to Marin (which I had never to been before, despite all my years in the bay) and LA for Wondercon; it was nice to both see high school friends and go on a trip with the boo. In April I went on a hike with my office which was probably the start of us all becoming closer (we are the social office in the wing now, which I take pride in! Also we draw a lot of Pokemon which warms my heart). In May I went to CHI in Glasgow and then to Paris afterward, and the entire experience was very weird and bad and also too many flights were canceled and/or missed and I vowed to not return to Europe for a while, but man do I love the noodles at Trois Fois plus de Piment. In June we hosted a double apartment party with my downstairs neighbors (side note: I am really appreciative of the place I live in, for the community, convenience, and large-ass space and will be really sad to be kicked out fall 2020) and I started a friendship important to me. I cat-sat for my advisor (the one who doesn't make me feel bad) twice. I went to Redwood State Park with my family and hosted a summer solstice celebration. Over the summer a friend I met in Paris back in 2017 moved in with me. I had a much needed escape from the bay to Seattle where I was reminded how abundant the world can be. I also went to Tahoe to celebrate my parents' anniversary, and really liked stumbling upon a smaller lake with a cheap boat rental. Then I became FOMO about the highly competitive Bay Area camping and did a last minute walk-in at Redwood Basin in Santa Cruz, which made me realize that I don't actually love camping (but was nice nonetheless). I ate an expensive meal at Commonwealth before they closed. For my birthday we made a friendship quilt and I served my favorite dish of cumin lamb but it was also 90 degrees in my apartment (I felt really bad and bought two fans afterwards). I started buying many cartoon frog plush after being gifted a $3.99 on sale Safeway frog (called Baby!). I went on Tinder dates (one of which was at a quaker yard sale marketed as Harvest Festival where I got a 1970s Kermit puppet for like $2) that largely went nowhere. My high school friend visited and we were both sad about break ups. I did Inktober before I went to New Orleans for a conference on Bourbon St where everything felt like it was coated in a sticky film of alcohol. I almost missed my flight home because I fell asleep in a sculpture garden but I had the most amazing Uber driver who snaked his way through traffic (oh and the flight was delayed by like 3 hours). I went to kind of embarrassing haunted houses and pumpkin patches over Halloween, but also had the most incredible bowl of ramen at Mensho. My whole office dressed up as Zootopia characters which warmed my furry heart. I spent like $120 on a Pokemon shirt. I started playing Arkham Horror and rekindled another friendship important to me. In November went on a road trip to Big Sur because again, I had to escape it all. For Christmas Eve dinner I roasted a duck for the first time (which was delicious). Shortly after I waited in line for 2 hours for a rollercoaster at Great America, which taught me the value of buying a fast pass because at this point in my life that money is worth it, and then waited 2 hours in line at the DMV to get a RealID (I had made an appointment, which was the fast pass).

Okay, now we move to the hobby section!

I got really into sewing in 2019, having received a sewing machine last Christmas. I made a Judy Hopps (which I wore to CrunchyRoll Expo) and Korok cosplay (Fanime), several unsuccessful garments, a crab bean bag, a dice bag, a fanny pack, and put hearts nipples on a jumpsuit.

Shows! I think I went to way fewer shows this year. The ones I can remember are Elephant Gym, Thom Yorke the night before I had an 8am flight, Carly Rae Jepsen over pride weekend (also, she is my #1 artist of the year, which makes a lot of sense given my emotional space), Mitski at Stern Grove, Capitol Hill Bloc Party (which was super lame, except for Lizzo, where I cried), and the National (which was a fucking surreal experience as they played on Stanford's campus, I was the only one within earshot of myself who knew the words to Crybaby Geeks, and then the white catalog moms came up to me after to thank me for singing the song).

I also started playing my own music! I started playing viola again for the first time in 7 years (lol) in both pop-up concerts with the Awesome Orchestra (one in Golden Gate Park, one at the Exploratorium) and a string quartet through my school. Sometimes I am filled with joy and delight. Other times interpersonal tensions run high and also I am very bad at being in tune. It's life.

Media! I really liked Mob Psycho 100 Season 2 and Beastars. I feel like those were the only notable anime I watched this year? I saw the Farewell three times--first in Seattle where I sobbed for like 1 hour after the movie, the second time with my parents, and the third where Awkwafina was present for a Q&A. I thought Parasite was incredible and Promare was OK. I have spent an unfortunately large amount of my time playing Pokemon Masters. I finally beat BOTW and completed my Pokedex in Shield like 2 weeks after getting the game.

Resolutions! In my draft of my 2018 end of year post (which I never polished and posted, sorry), I said my resolutions were 1. come out to my parents 2. draw enough to table at an anime con 3. be disciplined about paper reading and have a doc. I did none of these things!!! However, for 1, I feel like I am well equipped to have this conversation but am waiting for my sibling to do it first out of respect. 2 was just bad. I barely drew this year except for gifts. 3 was okay--I did have a large doc in the beginning of the year when I was looking for ideas, but as time went on I abandoned it (I also stopped reading papers, which I don't think you're supposed to do as a grad student...)

My resolutions this year are phrased as intentions (-(c) Matthew). They span several categories. Relationships: I want to open myself to and actively seek experiences of love, because I miss that. That being said, I will only date someone if 1. they have their life together 2. they love themselves and 3. they challenge me to grow. (I do think you can experience love without dating; the thing I'm after is love in an expansive sense.) Work: I want to do enough work so I don't feel guilty about not doing enough work, and also not berate myself for taking a long time to do things. Hobbies: I want to sew at least one thing a month. Chinese: I want to improve my Chinese, especially pronunciation.

Having written this 20 days into 2020, it's not been so bad so far. But I was also really happy in the beginning of 2019. Here's to no global maxima, a monotonically increasing year!

[artificialqueens]

5 times Nina was the caretaker and the one time he needed one (Ninex) - ImposterZoe

AN: Trigger Warning for Panic Attack and a short mention of depression. Along with Bets. IZ

1.)

"Ninaaaa," The voice on the other end of the phone croaks.

"Plastique? What's wrong? You sound awful!" Nina exclaims.

"I feel awful. I think I have the flu or something."

Nina frowns, his instincts kicking in.

"I'll be right there." He hangs up before Plastique can say anything else. Finding his way to the nearest store, Nina stocks up on sick care stuff, like medicine and soup.

He then makes way over to Plastique's hotel room, banging on the door.

After a minute or so, the door creaks open, revealing a pale and shivering Plastique.

"Oh you poor thing. You're worse than I thought." Nina leads the smaller man back to bed, laying him down. The sick man's eyes shut as soon as he's down. Pulling out the thermometer he bought earlier, he slips it into Plastique's mouth.

Somehow Nina stays calm when he finds out Plastique has a fever of 101.3, and that's just barely.

Mind going into overdrive, Nina remembers reading something that said cooling someone with a fever is better than bundling up.

He hastily rids Plastique of his shirt. Nina's unbuttoning his pants when he hears a feeble, "At least buy me dinner first," come from above him.

As he yanks the pants off, he gives Plastique a soft smile.

"Speaking of dinner, have you eaten today?"

He shakes his head. "I'm not hungry and even if I was my throat hurts too bad." Plastique give a rough cough. "And why'd you strip me? I'm cold."

Nina frowns, feeling Plastique's forehead. "You have a pretty high fever. Being cold is good. But you have to eat something so you can take medicine."

Oh yeah. Nina was in full Mama Bear Mode.

He quickly heats the soup up in the microwave, instructing Plastique to drink the juice shoved in his hand 30 seconds prior.  

Nina slowly feeds the other man, occasionally asking questions.

How long have you felt this way?

"I woke up like this."

Do you know anyone else who's been sick?

"Ariel."

Any other symptoms?

"My head hurts."

Why'd you call me?

"I knew you'd take care of me."

How'd you know that?

"You take care of everyone."

Nina considers this as he hands Plastique more juice and some pills.

"Your fever broke a couple minutes ago. These should make you feel even better but they're going to knock you out for awhile."

Plastique gives a tiny smile as he takes the pills.

Almost immediately the man gets sluggish.

"Thanks...Nina." He breaths out as he falls asleep, his head falling on Nina's shoulder.

Nina just brushes Plastique's hair back.

"Anytime."

2.)

"Nina can I talk to you?" Brooke calls.

Nina nods, walking over to his friend.

Although he was kind of shocked when Brooke roughly grabbed his arm and dragged him to the bathroom, locking the door behind them.

"Sooo…. What's up?" Nina wonders.

Brooke jumps up on the counter and stares at the ground.

"I broke up with Vanjie last week," he whispered.

Dammit, I owe Yvie 10 bucks, Nina thought.

But all he says is, "Why? You two were so good together."

Brooke starts to cry and Nina rushes over, pulling him in for a hug.

"Hey, it's ok. You wouldn't have done it if you didn't think it was for the best."

Brooke sniffed and pulled away.

"The best for who? I… We were happy together. We were in love. And we broke up because I wanted the freedom to find random trade in a club."  Brooke wipes his eyes, his sadness replaced with self-loathing.

Nina grabs Brooke's shoulders and shakes him slightly.

The last thing Nina needs is for Brooke to go into that dark place in his head Nina spent so long getting him out of.

"So you're mad that you left a relationship you got bored in? If you had stayed, you might've ended up cheating. How would that be fair to Vanjie?"

"Well it wouldn't but-" Nina cut him off.

"No buts. You did the right thing and left before it got to that point. That takes strength. Or stupidity. And let's be honest, you have plenty of the latter."

Brooke burst out laughing, punching Nina's shoulder.

"Made ya smile!" He cries happily.

Brooke laughs some more but gives Nina a hug.

"Thanks Nina. Talking to you always makes me feel better." Brooke beams up at his friend

Nina smiles back at him.

"Anytime. And make sure you don't fuck up your friendship with Vanjie, ok? The tension would kill everyone."

"You got it." Brooke walks out of the bathroom, leaving behind a very self-satisfied Nina.

Then all of a sudden a voice came from the last stall.

"You know you owe me 10 bucks, right?"

"This is why I call you Yvie the Eavesdropper." Nina responds. "And yes. I know I owe you 10 bucks."  

Nina leaves the bathroom to Yvie cackles.

3.)

"Can I talk to you?" Scarlet whispers in Nina's ear. It's just after a gig and Nina's exhausted.

But still, he nods and allows Scarlet to lead him to his room.

Sitting tiredly on the bed, he gestures for Scarlet to start.

Scarlet takes a few deep breaths, a deep blush covering his face, before blurting out, "I slept with Yvie!"

"Dammit!" Nina yells. Scarlet looks at him in shock.

"What?!"

"Nothing. Thinking about something else." I owe A'keria 20 bucks! I could've sworn Yvie had a thing for Brooke! Dammit!

"So… how was it?" Nina ask after a second.

Scarlet blushes harder and falls back on the bed.

"It was amazing! He's so sexy and dominating but caring at the same time. Best sex I ever had, hands down."

Nina laughs at Scarlet's rambling, not even bothered by the immense oversharing.

Eventually curiosity got the best of him and he asked some questions.

"So what's going to come from this?"

Scarlet stopped his rambling and shot Nina a confused look. Nina decided to clarify.

"Was it a one time thing? Are you friends with benefits? Are you dating? What's the outcome here?"

Scarlet just shrugged. "Well I woke up before him and left. We haven't talked about it. Actually we haven't talked much in general."

Nina had noticed the two not hanging out as much but hadn't really thought much about it.

"Well, what do you want from this Scarlet?"

Scarlet didn't hesitate. "I want him to be my boyfriend."

"Then leaving that morning then not talking to him wasn't the smartest move. He probably thinks you regret it. You need to talk to him. "

Scarlet promptly jumps up and heads out the door.

"Woah, where are you going?" Nina called after him.

"I'm gonna go talk to him. Duh," he called back. Then he was gone sprinting around the corner. Nina just sighed and sleepily made his way to his room.

[The next morning]

As Nina walks into the lobby, he is quickly blindsided by a pair of arms gripping him tight.

"Oh Nina," Scarlet whispers in his ear, "Thank you."

Not entirely sure what he did, Nina just give his normal response.

"Anytime."

Then, Scarlet runs to where Yvie's waiting, leaning up to kiss the man.

Oh. That's what he did.

"I knew it! Pay up Nina!" A'keria screams behind him, catching the couple's attention.

Nina just sighs as he pulls a twenty out of his wallet. At least they were cute together.

4.)

"Are you ok, Yvie?" Nina wonders as he walks toward the younger man, who was bent over a garment and glaring at it like it offended him.

"No! This dress ripped during the show and I can't seem sew it right. My latest sketch just won't work right, but I still need it sewed and done by next week or I'll be short an outfit,  I haven't had the chance to sort anything out," he gestures wildly to his cluttered table, "and in trying to do all this I haven't slept in two days! And me and Scarlet are fighting!" He slumps forward, letting his head carefully hit the table.

"But besides that I'm fine. How about you, Nina?"

Nina simply leans forward and carefully rubs Yvie's back, working out the knots.

He did this often and within seconds, Yvie was out like a light.

"Never fails." Nina mumbled as he puts Yvie over his shoulder, carrying him and laying him out on the couch in the corner of the room. Throwing a coat over him, Nina makes his way back to the table.

He'd known Yvie long enough by now to know how he liked things done. Slipping his headphones in, he got to work.

First he undos Yvie's stitching, (he really couldn't sew it correctly), and carefully redid it. After a couple missteps, the rip was successfully sewed back together.

He then ripped a piece of paper out of his own sketchbook and placed it over Yvie's sketch.

After contemplating a second, he pulled out his laptop and turned the brightness all the way up.

Somehow he manages to carefully trace the sketch.

After he gets the rough draft copied, he places himself in Yvie's shoes and  dutifully works on the sketch. It's nearly an hour later when he finishes but at the very least, it'll give Yvie ideas. Placing his copy next to the original on chair, he sets his sights on the table.

This was probably going to be the hardest, most time consuming part. But as he glances at Yvie's exhausted face, he just decides to buckle down and get it over with.

Grabbing a tub of wipes, he sets to the task.

First he grabs all Yvie's makeup containers and starts to wipe them down.

Since Yvie rushed through his makeup sometimes, his containers could usually be found with two or three different other kinds of makeup smeared on top.

Oddly enough, Yvie actually hated it and cleaned his makeup regularly. He never stopped rushing, though.

So Nina wiped down each case, making sure each were in tip-top shape. It took 30 minutes but the makeup was spotless and Nina managed to find Yvie's makeup case.

Sorting the makeup by size like Yvie did, he filled the pouch and carefully set in Yvie's suitcase.

Then he started in on the folding element of the packing. Nina carefully folded all of Yvie's garments, shaking of excess glitter or powder, and slowly filling the suitcase. Just as he packs the last garment, he laughs slightly, realizing he could hear the birds start to sing outside.

But, Yvie's table was shipshape and Yvie himself had gotten the sleep he needed.

Nina thought he had done all he could for Yvie but another idea popped into his head. Pulling up a video, he set to his last task.

[...]

Yvie rubbed his eyes as he woke up. He really needed to stop letting Nina give him back rubs. He went out no matter what each time. Stretching slightly, he groaned as he realized he still needed to get his stuff together. But he freezes in shock as he takes in his clear work table.

He knew for a fact that he hasn't done this. He opened his suitcase and found his clothes packed just how he liked it. His makeup was perfectly arranged and spotless.

He pulled out his outfit from the night before, the rip sewed seamlessly. Putting it back and zipping up his suitcase, he looks at his table.  

He finds his sketch and frowns at it before he notices the copy under it. He pulls out Nina's sketch and stares at it wordlessly. He could see how it had come from what he had in his other hand but Nina had unleashed his inner oddball and Yvie approved.

The sketch was gorgeous and Yvie couldn't wait to make it.

Admittedly, after a few tweaks

Then something else caught his eye. At the very end of the table was a bouquet of different types of paper flowers. They were beautifully crafted and took Nina 10 tries per flower.

Yvie saw a note next to them.

To end your fight with Scarlet ~ Nina

Yvie laughed at that. He knew Scarlet would love the flowers. He had been so focused on the table, he didn't notice Nina coming out of the bathroom.

"Oh you're awake. Sleep well?" Nina asked from behind him.

Yvie turned on his heel, taking in the bags under Nina's eyes.

"You did this Nina?" Yvie asked incredulously. Nina just gives a tired nod.

Yvie launches across the room, throwing his arms around who he was pretty sure was an angel.

"Thank you! I owe you big time!" Yvie blurted in the man's ear. Nina winced at the volume but hugged the man back.

"Anytime, Yvie."

5.)

Nina takes a deep breath as he rings Monet's doorbell.

The two queens had been dancing around each other for awhile before Monet had found the courage to ask Nina out.

And by, "Found the Courage," he meant, "Cracker shoved him in Nina's arms and shouted 'Get Some' before running away, forcing Monet to stutter out a date offer."

But Nina also stuttered out a yes, so maybe Cracker was in the right.

Not that Monet would ever admit that to his face.

Nina stood awkwardly at the door, stupidly hold the flowers Bob claimed Monet liked.

The door flew open, revealing a flour-covered Monet, in a Kiss The Cook apron.

Nina promptly started laughing, the flowers in his hand the only thing preventing him from taking pictures.

"Shut up and get in here." Monet laughs, waving Nina in. Nina strides in, shutting the door behind him. As soon as the door shut, the sexual tension expanded ten fold.

"I brought you flowers," Nina blurted, holding them out.

"Aw. Thank you." Monet cooed. He leaned forward and smelled them, wrapping his hands over Nina's.

He grabbed the flowers, while still holding Nina's hand and pulled him into the kitchen.

"Quaint." Nina mumbles staring around the kitchen as Monet puts the flowers in a vase.

"I hope you like baked chicken and collard greens."

Nina pulled a face.

"What, you don't like southern food?"

"It's not that. If that's what you made, how did you manage to get flour all over yourself?"

Monet blushed slightly. "I was reaching for something and some fell on me."

Nina laughed again. "Aww. You're clumsy." He cooed.

Monet just sticks his tongue out as he heads for the oven. The tension melts as the banter continues. But unfortunately, it also distracts Monet.

Who proceeds to stick his bare hand in the oven and grasp the broiling chicken pan.

As the man screams, Nina hurries to help. He grabs Monet's burnt hand and examines it. The burn wasn't bad enough to warrant a hospital trip, just a whole lot of pain.

"I'll be right back," Nina calls as he runs out the door. Monet was in too much pain to question it.

After a couple minutes, Nina came back with a first aid kit.

"You just happen to carry a first aid kit with you?" Monet grunts out.

Nina just rolls his eyes as he grabs burn ointment.  "My friends are some clumsy mofos."

Smearing the ointment on Monet's palm, Nina flipped the hand and laid a kiss to the back of it.

"I'm sorry I ruined dinner. I'm pretty sure it's burned," Monet mumbled.

"It's ok. I ordered pizza when I got the first aid kit."

Monet grins. "You're too sweet, Nina. Thank you."

Before Nina can talk himself out of it, he leans forward and pecks Monet's cheek.

"Anytime. Now do you own oven mitts because that pan is about burst into flames."

Nina needs a Caretaker

Nina could tell as soon as he woke up that he was going to freak out. His pulse was too fast and his breathing was too shallow.

But there was a Season 11 brunch today. Nina had booked the whole restaurant so everyone could catch up in peace.

He'd also invited Monet so everyone who hadn't been able to meet him yet could get to know him.

He didn't want to be the one to back out, especially considering how many people cleared their day to make it.

So he hopped in the shower, doing his breathing exercises the entire time. He makes it all the way to the restaurant before he realizes he's hyperventilating.

No wonder the uber driver was staring at him.

He walks into the restaurant before everyone else. The deafening silence combined with the large space drives Nina over the edge.

His breathing picks up and he falls to his knees just as the door opens.

"Nina!" Several concerned voices call. There's running sounds and Nina feels hands embrace him. Holding him and rubbing his back.

Monet steps into Nina's direct line of sight, rubbing his shoulders.

"Baby, we wanna help you but you gotta tell us what's wrong," he coos.

Yvie pipes up, "Yeah, you always take care of us, girl. Let us help."

There were several mumbles of agreement.

Nina forces his words out.

"I woke up...and I couldn't breathe ...but I didn't want to back out of brunch… And now I ruined it because I'm freaking out!" Nina starts to cry, his breath getting shorter and panicky.

Brooke brushes Nina's hair from behind. "Hey, Nina it's ok! No one's mad at you. It's a panic attack. There's no shame in it. That's what you always tell me."

Nina's heart rate slows. His breathing becomes more steady.

"You gotta take care of yourself or you won't be yourself," Plastique mumbles, "We'd all be lost without you Nina."

There were more mumbles of agreement and praise.

Nina slowly calms down, wiping his now flushed face.

"I feel kinda silly now. Thanks guys."

They all embrace Nina in a tight group hug and reply in unison.

"Anytime Nina."

[goodticklebrain]

Q&A August: Kate Pitt, Pocket Dramaturg

I’m so very excited about today’s installment of Q&A August, because it means I get to formally introduce you to Kate Pitt, my pocket dramaturg and Shakespearean soulmate! I first met Kate when she saved my life by letting me crash on the couch in her hotel room before the closing banquet of the 2016 Shakespeare Theatre Association conference. It was my first conference and, by the last day, I was so sleep deprived that I could hardly function. Despite meeting me in such a ragged and incoherent condition, Kate, who was then working in Public Programs at the Folger Shakespeare Library, decided to invite me to the Folger for a public interview/talk event.

You can read up on my visit to the Folger here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4. But, long story short, in Kate I found an absolutely kindred spirit. Within half an hour we were completing each others’ sentences, most because we were conversing almost entirely in Shakespeare quotes. Since then we have gone on several Shakespeare adventures together, including a long-overdue joint pilgrimage to Stratford-upon-Avon earlier this year. Despite having spent extended periods of time in close proximity, we have remained friends, which is something of a minor miracle.

Apart from being a delightful human being, Kate is also a genuine Shakespearean powerhouse, with a vast amount of both scholarly and practical Shakespeare knowledge and experience. You might have noticed that many of my recent comics have included the note “Thanks to my pocket dramaturg, Kate Pitt, for consulting with me on this comic.” This is because I quickly fell into the habit of texting Kate with random Shakespeare-related questions, like “IN HOW MANY SHAKESPEARE PLAYS DO SHEEP REGULARLY APPEAR ON STAGE?” Kate, in her infinite patience and bottomless depth of knowledge, would always promptly text me back with answers, including sources. It was like having my own personal dramaturg in my pocket.

Since then I have often brainstormed comic ideas with her, run drafts past for her approval, and asked for her help when wrestling with particularly troublesome punchlines. (Among other things, she helped me finalize the list of questions I’ve been asking everybody this month!) Creating Good Tickle Brain is a very solitary occupation, and for most of the past five and a half years I’ve been essentially operating in a vacuum. It’s been fun, but it’s also been lonely and isolating at times. Being able to bounce ideas off of Kate, and occasionally commiserate with her on the challenges of being self-employed businesswomen in the Shakespeare world, has made both my job and my life immeasurably more enjoyable.

And so, it gives me GREAT pleasure to turn things over to my pocket dramatrug!

1. Who are you? Why Shakespeare?

I’m Kate Pitt. I’m a dramaturg, writer, producer, and director. I grew up watching Shakespeare films with my parents and saw an outdoor Midsummer at the Edith Wharton house in Lenox when I was about seven. The Mechanicals drove up in a real Jeep, the fairies crept out of the actual woods (I was a city kid – trees were a big deal!), and I was hooked. I’ve also had many wonderful teachers.

2. What moment(s) in Shakespeare always make you laugh?

Orlando forlornly waving his arm and saying “It is my arm”? I’M THERE. A really good (bad) Viola-Sir Andrew fight? SIGN ME UP. Benedict being terrible at hiding? THE BEST. Pyramus’ never-ending death? I LOVE IT. The physical comedy in the plays always makes me laugh. There are lines of text that I almost always laugh at, but I’ve been more delighted when those bits are reinterpreted in ways that sacrifice the laugh, but gain something more interesting in its place. Olivia’s wide-eyed “most wonderful!” is a war-horse, but I once heard it delivered with quiet awe rather than schtick and it was shockingly beautiful. “The dead can live again” rather than “another one!”

Mya interjects: Ok, yes, I also love “It is my arm.”

3. What's a favorite Shakespearean performance anecdote?

A Winter’s Tale where the bear was a puppet, and entered down the aisle sniffing at the audience as it slowly stalked Antigonus. The bear nosed at the handbag of an old lady in the front row and growled at her. She growled right back.

Mya interjects: Don’t mess with old ladies’ handbags.

4. What's one of the more unusual Shakespearean interpretations you've either seen or would like to see?

The opening speech of Richard III done as Bunraku puppet theater, but with a person as the puppet. It showed the pain of being “unfinished” so beautifully while also being horrifying and incredibly funny. This Richard was so close to being a person (“a real boy!”) but knew that he lacked some essential, animating humanity and made a conscious decision to hurt people because of it.

5. What's one of your favorite Shakespearean "hidden gems"?

I love watching the characters on the sidelines – the ones who aren’t the center of attention but are telling incredibly rich stories with their silence. Margaret in Much Ado is a great example and I always watch her when the Prince explains why he thinks Hero is disloyal. Margaret knows in that moment that the ruined wedding is her fault but she says and does…nothing. Aufidius and Isabella also have whole histories in stillness.

6. What passages from Shakespeare have stayed with you?

I’ve had Henry V’s “upon the king” and the Scrivener from Richard III on my mind – the responsibility of leadership and the realization of its corruption – but my favorites are the ones I think as my own thoughts and it takes a minute to figure out where they came from. i.e. on a hiking trip in the pouring rain, carrying a heavy pack, and staring up at switchback #492, I thought, “Blow, wind! come, wrack! At least we'll die with harness on our back!” It took until the top of the mountain to figure that one out.

Mya interjects: If you’re not familiar with the Scrivener from Richard III (and there’s no reason why you should be,  since his scene is almost always cut), his one speech goes as follows:

SCRIVENER Here is the indictment of the good Lord Hastings, Which in a set hand fairly is engrossed, That it may be today read o’er in Paul’s. And mark how well the sequel hangs together: Eleven hours I have spent to write it over, For yesternight by Catesby was it sent me; The precedent was full as long a-doing, And yet within these five hours Hastings lived, Untainted, unexamined, free, at liberty. Here’s a good world the while! Who is so gross That cannot see this palpable device? Yet who so bold but says he sees it not? Bad is the world, and all will come to naught When such ill dealing must be seen in thought.

I’ve never gotten over the beauty of this line from Pericles – silence may be the perfectest herald of joy, but if you must use words, these ones are pretty great:  

“Give me a gash, put me to present pain, lest this great sea of joys rushing upon me o’erbear the shores of my mortality and drown me with their sweetness.”

7. What Shakespeare plays have changed for you?

All of the plays have changed as I’ve gotten older, but the ones that deal with grief have altered the most. A friend died suddenly when we were eighteen and I reached out for Cleopatra and Constance without consciously knowing why. My father died five years later, and by then I knew that I would find some kind of recognition in the plays and I deliberately went to them. The words were always beautiful, but now I knew what they meant. I must have heard Claudius’ “that father lost, lost his” speech a hundred times but never understood the obscenity of telling someone “the right way” to grieve until someone did it to me. Cordelia comforting the confused and frightened Lear sits close to my heart now, and Ophelia’s madness has method in’t. Hamlet’s “mirror up to nature” didn’t tell me what I’d see or how to respond, but it allowed me look at myself and observe both the shadow of my sorrow and the thing itself when I needed it most.

8. What Shakespearean character or characters do you identify the most with?

Beatrice. I love her wit, her walls and her willingness to climb over them, her delight in her friends’ happiness and her white-hot fury at their pain.

Mya interjects:  Can confirm, Kate is totally Beatrice.

9. Where can we find out more about you? Are there any projects/events you would like us to check out?

You can follow me on Twitter @katepitt and keep up with me on my website www.katepitt.com.

(Back to Mya)  Thanks so much to Kate not only for answering the questions she helped me come up with, but also for being an unfailingly helpful creative and emotional outlet. Get thee a Kate.

COMING NEXT WEEK: A wonderful woman who is training small children to become the next generation of Shakespeare geeks, and two Shakespeare geeks who regularly act like small children! 

[honestly-weird-weirdly-honest]

The Things I Want To Do

Hello Internet :)

Be warned, this is going to be one of those obligatory This Is What I Want To Blog about posts...

I have wanted to start a blog for a while now, but I never really got to it because I am a horrible procrastinator and I really suck at selfdissipline... 

So to give myself the mental kick in the ass that I apparently need to get shit done, I am going to blog about my projects and hopefully create a sense of accountability for myself. And if I manage to entertain or inspie or educate someone along the way, that will absolutely make my day.

So without further ado, here ar the things you can expect to see coming up on this blog (this list has no particular order or meaning to ist order. All of these projects theoretically have equal meaning to me, none have priority over the others, and they absolutely do interlock with each other, so keep that in mind.)

Project Number 1: Getting healthy and losing weight

I realized a few years back (more like 10, but who's counting...sigh) that I kept gaining weight and my health and fitness was going down at the same time.

Needless to say, I was not happy with that, and I have tried to lose weight several times. Mostly it worked for a few weeks, then I sort of lost track and went back to my bad habits.

So right now, I weigh a shocking 100,5 kg (~221lbs) and have a body fat percentage of around 58%, and I would really like to get back to a normal weight and body fat Percentage, think like 58 kg (~128lbs) and maybe 15-20% body fat.

( I am not 100% sure about the body fat percentage, I'm still researching what a normal healthy range ist there, and there are a scary amount of contradicting numbers out there, so that might take a bit.)

I'll go into more depth on how I got where I am weight wise and what I plan to do about it, but aside from losing weight I really want to gain back my fitness. Wouldn't it be great not to feel like coughing up a lung after a short run to catch a bus...

So what I'll be doing is basically:

- trying to figure out how to lose weight effectively and permanently

- changing the way I eat, including the scary amount of caffeine I drink each day

- stop smoking

- working out to gain back my fitness

- and documenting the whole shebang for you to follow along. 

Project Number 2: Mental Health and depression

I have been struggling with depression for the past 7-8 years, and while I am currently Ok-ish, I want to start documenting my moods, educating people on depression and healthy coping mechanisms.

Now before someone goes on the "You need professional treatment"-tangent, I know, I have been in treatment, and I am currently trying to find a therapist to work with again.

But waitlists are a bitch, so this is sort of my version of self-help.

I don't really have a plan for how I want to go about this project yet, it might end up being some weird stream-of-consciousness word vomit type thing. I don't really know yet, and I don't want to overthink it, so I'll just let that happen as is goes.

Project number 3: Book reviews

I have always loved books. Literally always. I would beg my parents to read just one more story before bedtime, would fall asleep listening to cassettes or CDs with kids stories, I learned to read before I started first grade.

When I left school I didn't have much time for reading anymore, because my apprenticeship had me commuting between 3 cities, so I spent a lot of time driving around, working or studying for exams.

I started to listen to audiobooks on my 8+ hour drives and while doing necessary but annoying task like cleaning and such, and now I have a collection of about 290-ish titles in my audible library, and I am still buying 2-3 books a month.

In the past few years I have found a few great books, several good books, some utterly horrifyingly bad books, and to be honest, with most I didn't know which it was going to be, because a lot of reviews you can find online are not what I would like them to be, so I'll just write the reviews I would like to read when picking out my next book.

Project number 4: Costumes and Sewing

Now I am not a trained tailor, so some of my sewing projects are not as good as I would like them to be, but I enjoy it nonetheless.

I sew my own costumes for LARP, which is one of my big hobbies that I spend a lot of time on, either at cons or making costumes and props and so on.

So for this Project, you will be seeing walkthroughs of my projects, Work in Progress pictures, some of my already finished garments and possible adjustments of them as I hopefully use weight, and whatever else I think might fit in under this caption, like how I find a look that I like ( I mostly do fantasy costumes, but I like to incorporate some historical aspects) or my adventures in pattern drafting (which are wild, let me tell you).

So yeah, these are my 4 big projects that I will be keeping track of with this blog.

I have no idea what sort of schedule I will be able to keep, but I'll figure that out along the way.

So for now, if you are reading this, welcome to my brain, and I hope you've enjoyed my weird rambling introduction to what I want to do here, and I hope you'll stay for what comes next.

[youknowmymethods]

Content Creator Interview #2

In this week’s interview, fandom friends @lilsherlockian1975 and @mrsmcrieff talk about whether they found Sherlock hot or not at first sight, how publicly sharing their work changed their writing, and the hardest thing about writing smutfic (pun fully intended).

And for those who don’t know, today is Lillian’s Birthday, so m’dear, Many Happy Returns!!!!

Hey, so Lilsherlockian1975 and myself, MrsMCrieff, have decided to interview each other for Aine’s challenge. We’re going to try to answer each other’s questions but there is always the danger of us going massively off piste. Our conversations in the past have been eclectic and very wide-ranging not to mention M rated.

 Anyway, I thought we could start by saying how we came into the fandom and more than that writing in the fandom. Lil, do you want to start?

Lil: All right, my sister on another continent, here’s how it went: As I’ve explained about finding The Full House on Pinterest, let’s explore what came before that moment, then just after... I was working third shift at a hotel (I had to as Mr Lil and I didn’t really have any childcare options at the time, so we just worked opposite shifts). The hotel was in a very small town - we were never busy, some nights we sold maybe 2 rooms - I usually spent my time watching Netflix. After making my way through Doctor Who, Star Trek Next Gen, Voyager then (God help me) DS9, Farscape and Firefly, I’d finally run out of anything to watch. You’d be surprised how quickly you can burn through a series binge watching for 8 hours at a time (and getting paid for it!).

 Then… then I found Sherlock. Well, that changed things… a bit.

 “Good Lord, who is the Cumberstud chap and why won’t he have all the sex with me!?” was my first thought, my second was, “Maybe I have a chance with the dishy DI?” and third? “Oh… what fresh hell is this ‘Mycroft’? Yummy!” Then finally, “Ahh, did the casting director somehow read my diary? Creepy but… all right.” To my defense, it was late and I usually worked on very little sleep. Also, I’m a kinky bitch.

 I’d never been involved in a ‘fandom proper’, I suppose. That’s not to say that I wasn’t a fangirl. I am and always have been. I was hugely into the Kevin Smith movies, going as far as visiting the Quick Stop and RST Video in Lenardo, NJ, respectively, as well as The Secret Stash, in Red Bank. I was a comic book geek in my youth, Marvel mostly, but some DC as well.

 After reading The Full House, I desperately needed MORE Sherlock and luckily enough, there was more to be found.

 At first I was just reading, then I wrote and posted a couple of (horrible) fics and met this fellow writer named MrsMCrieff (I might have had a little ‘writing crush’ on you, Mrs!). We chatted on FF.net and struck up a friendship.

 So, for me, writing came before fandom. Mrs was doing some betaing for me, but I didn’t ask for help often; I hated bothering her all the time for the multitude of stories I was turning out. At some point around here, I got an elusive invite to AO3 from sherlockian87, bless her soul, because I kept trying to join and couldn’t get a blessed invitation. Also around this time, I had written a prompt and got a PM from MizJoely asking if she could fix some of my mistakes (she was very sweet about it, even though I totally flipped - half fangirling, half losing my shit because ‘Crap, I screwed up so bad, here was The MizJoely asking if she could edit out my mistakes!’) but she wasn’t being critical at all, of course, just helpful as I soon found out. Shortly after, now having formed a friendship with MIz, she suggested that I start a Tumblr blog. And that’s how it all started.

Yes, sorry… I, um, tend to be a tad loquacious. Writing out my answers doesn’t help one little bit.

 Okay, Mrs, right back atcha!

 Mrs: OK, shall I try to be more concise? I’ll probably fail as I’m terrible as writing short fics they always seem to end up spread over multiple chapters.

 I’m another one who had always been a fangirl, Doctor Who, Buffy, Twilight, vampire Diaries (yeah, I love my vampires) but I’d also been a Sherlock Holmes fan. I’d read all the books in my teens, watched the Basil Rathbone and Jeremy Brett adaptations and even stayed at the Sherlock Holmes hotel on Baker St so when a new series was advertised it was an easy sale.

 I was late to the cumberobsession though. I have to admit watching the first two series as they came out and I remember thinking I like them but it’s a shame Sherlock isn’t that hot. I know, I know, I’m embarrassed even as I write that.

 It all changed after watching season 3 and I blame the Sherlolly kiss 100%. I watched the series, DELETED the records!! And then realised I was spending a lot of time thinking about Sherlock and Benedict...that turned into looking him up online and from there it was a short step to reading Sherlolly fics on fanfic (I was already reading fics for other shipping obsessions). Anyway, it didn’t take long before Sherlolly took over all my other ships and Benedict was my number one hottie.

 As for writing, I hadn’t written anything fiction based since school and school was a long time ago...almost thirty years. But one day I was looking for a specific fic, I wanted to read about Sherlock and Molly having to share body heat and I just couldn’t find anything that satisfied me. I’m not sure why but in that moment I decided to write it myself and in half an hour I’d written Frozen...my first ever fic. It took another couple of hours to pluck up the courage to post it and I clearly remember feeling a bit sick and my hand shaking as I pressed the final button to post.

 Thankfully, I almost immediately started to receive positive reviews and feedback and it wasn’t long before I started to write more...the rest as they say is history. Lil got in touch soon after and it was fun chatting to another writer just starting out. We soon found we were not dissimilar in age and both had two sons and the friendship started there.

 We’ve been through quite a lot over the last few years Lil and written some fab stories. Wouldn’t you agree?

 (I should let on that we are now faffing about trying to find the original list of questions...we are trying to be professional).

 Ok Lil, so I’ve looked at Aine’s questions and they look really hard. Any preferences on which ones you want to answer :).

 Lil: I think a great follow up to that first one is this: How did posting your first story change your process of writing? So I’m shooting it back to you, Mrs, and you can send me that one or select a new one for me. Tag, you’re it!

 Mrs: I can tell you quite simply how it changed my process of writing...given that it was my first piece of writing in 30 years I was starting from scratch when it came to any process. One thing that I started with that’s held true for me ever since is that my stories are fully mapped out and written before I even start posting the first chapter. I will edit and make refinements but the bones of the story are there.

 I know lots of people post a chapter and then write the next chapter but that would put me under too much pressure. The downside is that if someone gives me a prompt they could be waiting months before they see it posted. The upside is if I’ve started posting a fic you will get the end of it as it’s already been written.

 There have only been two exceptions to this method: Sherlock Holmes, Vampire which I worked on over a year or so posting four chapters every so often as I wrote them...it was stressful. And the other is Never Have I Ever which was/is more of a collection of one shots woven together into a fic.

 How about you Lil? How did it change for you?

 Lil: So, I’d been writing little stories and whatnot for years and years but, having no idea that there was such a thing as ff.net or AO3, I had no place to put them. Writing was always a very, very distant dream of mine. I have loads of notebooks filled with stories, story ideas and my own personal ramblings (unfortunately, my Tumblr followers now have to read the ‘ramblings business’). I stopped for many years after my roommate/best friend since childhood found some of my writing in college that I’d carefully hidden under my bed. I came home to find her in my room, sat on the floor, on the phone with our Art History professor (whom she was sleeping with), as she read him my story and laughed hysterically at its awfulness.

 I was devastated and vowed never to write again.

 But that changed, of course. Those first maybe ten stories were just me letting my mind go and getting out what I wanted to say (aided by liberal amounts of wine). Since then, however, my ‘process’ has changed drastically. I don’t always write an outline (never for one shots, which I write often) but I generally do for long fics. If not, it’s easy for me to get lost and miss critical points. My writing has become more about ‘layering’ for lack of a better word.

 I found after those first few posted fics, that in going back and re-reading them I wanted to make changes. I didn’t re-edit them (because I’m lazy), but it made me realize that my writing required more time and proofing before posting; that first draft is just the start for me - a thin layer of primer paint on a canvas, if you will. I then read over it and add more details and more and more until I get the desired effect. Again, much like oil painting, I have to build things up, layer by layer. This works for me; I have no idea if it’s a proper method of writing. So, posting my first fic(s) helped me learn that I shouldn’t be so trigger happy about posting if the story wasn’t ready.

 Okay, Mrs, this one is geared specifically towards you. I don’t think anyone would argue with me about your supernatural ability to write ‘case fics’, so let me ask: Which do you prefer writing, case fics or fluffy smut-filled romps? And why?

 Mrs: Oh God, ask me something easy why don’t you. Both, I like writing both. I love the depth of a case fic, the idea, the research, plotting it out and working out the characters and detail but it’s so time consuming and I often write a bit, leave it, come back to it etc. etc. so a detailed case fic can take six months.

 Fluff on the other hand is less satisfying but quicker (my minds already in the gutter with an analogy).

 Woohoo I kept is fairly short for once. So, here’s one that’s good for you. I’m endlessly envious of how easily you make friends and how you know so many people in the fandom whereas I’m the introverted hermit. Which other authors are you friends with, and how have they help you become a better writer?

 Lil: Goodness! You make me sound like a social butterfly (Mr Lil calls me that all the time!). I like people, plain and simple. Other than you, I am close to MizJoely and Darnedchild, that’s no secret, so I’ll talk about them first (you included, because you’ve made me a better writer, I’m sure of it - have actual proof!)

 I cannot count the ways Miz has helped me improve my writing. She figuratively took me by the ear and said “okay, you don’t suck but do you even know what a comma is used for?” No, not those actual words, she was much kinder about it, but I got the hidden meaning and I needed it, trust me. She also challenges me and is not afraid to be honest with me when I’ve written something that isn’t good or perhaps doesn’t fit. I know I’ve improved since she started betaing for me, like a 1000%. And Child… When I volunteered to beta for the Big Bang Challenge, I had no idea what I was getting into, but man… she’d written and enormous fic. Good, amazing really, but it was longer than anything I’d ever worked on before. It scared the shit out of me but I really think it was exactly what I needed. Betaing someone else’s work can really make you see your own mistakes from a new perspective. I feel like I jumped ahead after working on the BBC with Child. As for you, MrsMCrieff, just the other day I had The Best compliment… someone actually thought I was British! Yes, that happened. I can only attribute that little feat to you, my friend. You’ve taught me when to add a ‘u’, when not to zed and about many different terms like pavement, taps, hob, loo, trousers (we really don’t say that here!). Not to mention the fact that most European men aren’t circumcised. Who knew?! It’s pretty common in the US.

 But that’s just a few. I cannot count the number of fandom friends who have helped me and all the ways that they’ve done so. That doesn’t mean I won’t try…

 There’s likingthistoomuch who always listens to my ideas and encouraged me to post my first Harry Potter fic. OhAine has been a true friend from the very beginning, always insightful and supportive. Mellovesall who is just too sweet for words and always helps with edits, no matter what’s going on in her life. Kendrapendragon who let me bounce ideas for my Mirror Has Two Faces AU off of her for like a whole day! the-sapphiresky who has helped me with this historical AU that may or may not ever see the light of day. Allthebellsinvenice who answered about a dozen questions (over two years!) for Dig Down Deep when I’d panic about some D/s situation I’d written myself into. o0katiekins0o who backs me up when I’m in the middle of a sensitive subject. I can always depend on her to help me when I’m afraid I’m crossing a line. Broomclosetkink, Lord help me! She’s pinch hit for me when I’ve written a fic for Miz or if I just need a good laugh. She’s the best. Sweets… it’s very hard to talk about sweet-sweet-escape. I still cannot even bring myself read her stories or the ones I wrote for her without breaking down, but no one was more supportive or kind to me than Sweets. I miss her so much.

 Then there’s all the love and support I received from everyone during The Fic That Shall Not Be Named debacle. That’s when I knew how much this fandom (well, this ship, really) had my back! I will never forget how much love and support I received. Bless you all!

 I’m forgetting people and I hate that. But I really do love all my fandom friends as if I see them and hang out with them every day. I mean that.

 Okay, Mrs, here’s one for you (I’m going back to the list for this one because I like it and I think it’s interesting): What’s the most difficult thing about writing characters of the opposite sex?

 Mrs: See, see I said you knew loads of people!

 As for your question that’s easy to answer...knowing what it feels like when they get aroused and orgasm. I’m more than happy being female but it would be kind of interesting just to be a guy for one day. It would improve my writing no end.

 On a wider note when it comes to writing characters I don’t think any of us made it easy on ourselves when we decided to try to write being a high functioning sociopathic genius. I think I can speak for most of us when I say he’s not the easiest person to try to write authentically. I just wish I had half his knowledge then I wouldn’t feel like such an idiot when I’m writing him.

 I gave my youngest son the option of any number between 1 and 40. He chose 7 so does writing energise or exhaust you?

 Lil: It absolutely energises me! I do get frustrated trying to find time to write, but actually writing does amazing things for my mental and physical self. I find that I’m much more productive around the house when I’m in the middle of a writing jag. I’ll sit and write for a while, then get up and pound out some chores (usually more quickly as to get back to my computer). Somehow, this works for me. Frankly, it’s probably got to do with my ADHD. I’m the kind of person who needs to do multiple things at once. I’m the same at work; I cannot just stand behind the registrar for 8 hours. I practically beg my managers for extra work, which they’re happy to give me.

 I have an original question for you, love: How does a bad review affect you?

 Mrs: I’ll be honest I don’t react well to a bad review but it does depend on whether I think it’s valid or not. You probably know each and every time I’ve had one because I will probably have sent you a screen shot and asked your opinion. Thankfully they have been few and far between, occasionally they have made me think...especially if I’m being accused of using a tired old trope and I’ve made the effort to up my game in future fics but often they are just being nasty for the sake of it.

 Writing is such a personal thing though, we give a piece of ourselves in each and every fic so it’s hard to not take criticism very personally.

 Same question to you Lil.

 Lil: Oh, I’m a giant baby about a bad review and have been known to take it very personally. At first I brood… like really hard, thinking on the entire thing much longer than necessary. I suppose it depends on the nature and tone, for the most part though. If it’s attacking and spiteful, I’ll attack right back but if it’s coming from a ‘goodish’ place, I do try to look at my writing a bit more objectively (I don’t always succeed). Anonymous bad reviews get to me the most. The fact that I cannot reply drives me up the wall!

 Okay, we’re wrapping this up (else we could go on forever!) Thanks so much and a big thanks to Aine for organizing this as well!

 Mrs & Lil

Next Week:

Posting on Friday 01 March it’s @ohaine ‘s turn (eek!) to interview @ashockinglackofsatin

[raybansandcoffee]

Adventure of a Lifetime: Chapter Three

Find the Character Bios and first 2 chapters HERE. 

*****

I woke up the next morning to sun coming in my bedroom window and the sound of the kids through the monitors I had in each of their rooms. Their sleep schedule versus mine had been one of the hardest adjustments of parenthood for me. I groaned before climbing out of bed, quickly using the bathroom and going into the nursery to grab Axel.

"Good morning, Axe Man. How's my favorite little guy?" He put his hands on my cheeks. He did this every morning. I was convinced it was his way of telling me he was fine and he loved me. I got his diaper changed before we headed into Ellie's room to get her. "Ellie Bellie, are you ready for breakfast?"

"Can we have waffles?" she asked.

"Of course we can have waffles." We got her into the bathroom before heading downstairs for breakfast. Once we were in the kitchen I got them in their seats at the island and started on the food. Luckily there were some frozen waffles in the house so I didn't have to make waffles from scratch but I did decide to make them some scrambled eggs.

"Where's Savy?" Ellie asked.

"She went to spend the day with some friends since we won't be home. What do you think if we skip your piano lesson today since she's gone?"

"OK! Can we play instead?"

"For a little while but remember we need to leave so we have time to get to Ava's house for our play date." By the end of breakfast, I had two tiny humans covered completely in syrup. I cleaned them both up and we went to the family room for some playtime. Seeing them interact, especially as Axel got older, warmed my heart. My sister was three years older than me and then my step-brother came during my Dad's second marriage. They were two people I couldn't do without and I loved that I got to watch these two build that with each other. Your siblings were the people who would be there to support you through anything and these two had been through more than most people could imagine. I snapped a quick photo of them as they laid on the floor laughing.

*****

To: Samantha Madigan-Fitzpatrick

From: Charlotte DeLuca

Subject: First Day of Summer!

Hey Samagator!

We miss you extra today. It's the first day of summer and the kids are so excited. We are having a playdate with Ellie's best friend from school, Ava, and going swimming at Ava's house. We are enjoying a little playtime at home before heading over there. Watching Axe and Ellie on the floor as they lay and have their conversations and giggles is one of the happiest feelings. I honestly can't describe it. I get it now. You always told me kids were different when they were yours. I fucking hate it when you're right.

I got through the first draft of the score I'm working on. I'm going to let it sit for a few days before I send it off to the powers at be to see what they think. It's my biggest project this year. You'd love it. The film is a small indie project, with an amazing cast and the perfect emotional storyline to put music too. Exactly the kind of project that is our sweet spot. I've spent so many hours at the piano this week that I honestly considered putting my hands into buckets of ice. A day away from work at the pool is going to be the perfect escape.

Alex would be pissed if I didn't mention Ava's Dad is ridiculously hot and I'm fairly certain is single. I'm trying to focus on the idea of maybe making an adult friend that isn't family, someone on the other end of a FaceTime, phone line or email, or well Savy since she's typically the only other "adult" I speak to on a regular basis. I tried, I really did, to make friends with the Mom's from Ellie's school but I just don't fit in there. I can't pinpoint exactly what it is but there's just a disconnect between me and the other women. I tried to find a local playgroup to take Axe to, I found one at the library and went and it was strange and mostly nannies. I did have lunch with your Mom this week, it was great to see her and nice to have an adult conversation where I didn't feel like I was parenting Savy or waiting for my WiFi connection in the basement to die.

Well, I better go. I've gotta get the kids bathing suits rounded up, pack a bag of crap for Axel and find a swimsuit that I don't look hideous in. We all miss you like crazy.

Love you forever and for always,

Charlie

*****

"Alright tiny humans. Let's go upstairs and get ourselves ready for a day of fun. If we are on our best behavior tonight we can have pizza for dinner."

"Peessa!!" Axel shouted back. He was really great at repeating words though most of the time it still sounded nothing like what he was trying to say. I picked him up off the floor before blowing raspberries on his tummy making him let out the perfect giggle. His giggle was my favorite sound in the entire world. It had gotten me through the worst year of my life. It was the best medicine ever created. I grabbed everything each child could possibly need for swimming, what felt like a million extra diapers, snacks, things that kept them from having complete and utter meltdowns, and finally got Ellie into a bathing suit with a cover-up dress over it. I drug them into my room and put them on my bed to watch cartoons as I tried to figure out what to wear.

"Why do I do this? Ugh. I hate trying to figure out if I look terrible with no one around," I was talking to myself while putting makeup on. I'd found a bathing suit that I didn't feel completely hideous in after spending far too much time standing in my closet trying on every bathing suit I owned. When I lived in LA I spent my summers living at the pool. Alex's house had the most amazing pool so most of our summers were spent enjoying the gorgeous weather, the company, and food. Sam also had a pretty great pool though significantly smaller and less of a kid's dream than Alex's. I had a pool at my condo and honestly spent time most days there when I needed a break from working. My phone vibrated on the granite counter. I glanced down to see Jeremy's name pop up.

Are we still on for today?

Yup! I have Ellie in a bathing suit (which was quite a task), grabbed one for Axel and have finally gotten the few minutes I needed to get myself out of my pajamas covered in the syrup from their breakfast. We should be leaving here in like 15ish minutes. I just need to grab Axel's little travel playpen, he will definitely need to nap while the girls hang out.

Don't worry about packing anything. I've still got some of Ava's stuff around that you can use. I'm the oldest of 7 and have a lot of nieces and nephews so every kid thing you could imagine needing is here. Just bring yourselves.

Are you sure? It's no big deal. My best friend got the coolest shit for this kid when he was born.

I've got you covered.

Okay then. We will be there in a little bit. I just have to get them wrangled into a car.

"You're gonna do great, Charlie. You are not a lunatic. You're a completely normal person. Today is going to be a good day."

"Today is going to be a great day!" Ellie replied. "It's going to be a great day because we are going to have a lot of fun and pizza for dinner because I promise I'm going to be on my best behavior."

"Ellie Bellie, have I told you yet this morning that I love you?" I asked as I picked her up and hugged her tightly. She had started to give me positive thoughts in the morning when we'd sit and get her ready for school. She heard me one day embracing my inner theater nerd. I'd been listening to the Dear Evan Hansen Original Broadway recording and had even gone so far as to say 'Dear Charlie De Luca, Today is going to be a good day and here's why...you have two wonderful kids who you love and who love you who are experts at putting a smile on your face. You're alive, you're breathing, and you're going to be okay.' Ever since then she'd tell me good things in the morning. She'd also started to dance with me to musicals in the mornings, it was some special girl time we had each day.

"I love you too." She buried her head in my neck hugging me. "You look really pretty in the swimsuit you picked." I'd ended up with a two-piece that had a black and white striped high waisted bottom and ruffled black top.

"Thank you, munchkin. Let's get me in a dress to cover this up and get in the car to go to Ava's." I threw a dress on over my bathing suit while also throwing clothes I could wear after time in the pool to at least drive home in. We got everything in the car, Ellie into her car seat, Axel into his and were on the road headed to Jeremy and Ava's house. My phone started to ring and the screen on the dash showed it was Alex calling. "Everyone say hi to Auntie Alex."

"Hi!" Ellie screamed from the backseat really excitedly. Her little brother let out his signature giggle instead of saying hi.

"Hey, kids. Are we all on our way to our playdate?" she asked.

"We are. We are pulling out of the driveway right now."

"And you managed to find a bathing suit without having a complete meltdown and calling me this morning panicking in your closet? I'm proud."

"I did. I went with the ruffly high waisted two pieces one from last summer."

"Oh, that one is cute and much more appropriate for a playdate with kids than the one I was going to suggest."

"Yeah, the super revealing bikini is not playdate appropriate. It was barely all-inclusive Mexican vacation appropriate."

"You looked hot in it."

"I definitely wouldn't now. A year of essentially eating like a child because of children has me not looking my best. I need to set up a gym in the house or start running through the mountains like a weirdo or something now that it's warm."

"Put a pool in. You used to swim laps in my pool every morning before anyone in the house was even awake to realize you'd snuck in." It was true. I didn't live far and often times my condo pool was filled with people early who were using it for a workout so I'd sneak over to Alex's house and do laps in her pool when we had decent weather instead of going to the gym.

"Yeah, because that is affordable and totally makes sense when I live in the mountains and had a period of time this winter where the snow was taller than I am."

"My 10-year-olds are taller than you. It's not hard to accomplish. You can afford to add a pool. Maybe put it on a wishlist for next summer. You know it will be nice for you and the kids."

"It would be but it's not a priority right now. My top priority is having my house ready for your entire family and my family to be out here soon."

"Did you finally hear from Frankie and Tony?" Alex asked.

"Yup. Tony called me yesterday morning. He's coming out to stay for a while though he won't give me any firm dates on anything. I'm sure Mandi is driving him crazy and he's not even been home a month yet."

"Oh, guaranteed." I loved my step-mom but she could be a bit much and my poor little brother was probably going insane living at home. He had just graduated from college and wasn't used to being home with the parents. He hadn't completely decided what was next though Dad was hoping law school and eventually becoming a partner at his firm. Tony's maternal grandparents were loaded and honestly, the kid would never need to work a day in his life because of his trust fund. He was brilliant and graduated with honors in both of his majors but he had spent his entire childhood focused on school and wasn't sure what he wanted to do next. He told my Dad he was going to take a year before deciding on if he wanted to go to law school, grad school for something none of us would be able to predict, or get his MBA and in the interim he was going to move out with me and help with some of the business aspects of my job that I hated most. I hadn't offered him a job but my brother knew he could convince me of anything because I loved him more than I loved most people because he knew when he shouldn't be providing commentary on my life. Our sister, Dad, his Mom and my Mom definitely did not.

"Frankie also called me yesterday after Dad told her that Tony was moving to Tahoe with me. Her whole clan is coming out. It will be good. One big celebration."

"Any of your parents coming?"

"No, Dad has a big trial coming up that he's working all hours of the day on, most of the time he calls me it's when he knows I'm not sleeping and he's on his way home from the office. Mandi, of course, wouldn't come without him. I truly don't understand her, she's been married to him for most of my life yet lately she will rarely do anything with me or Frankie without Tony or Dad and very rarely if it's just Tony. Mom is of course off on some lavish vacation with her current love interest. I think she called me from Amsterdam last weekend."

"Well, your brother and sister being there will be good. Plus the kids will all be together and you'll get to have some comic relief from Ryan and Tony."

"So true. They are the best at making me laugh." My brother-in-law was the perfect addition to our family. He took such great care of my sister and their kids while also being a decent role model for my brother. "It will also mean that Ryan will do his best to stop Frankie from grilling Tony and me about him moving here. Tony needs a break. All he's done his entire life is school. He needs to be an f-ing kid for a while."

"Just don't let him hit on my daughter."

"I'll do my best but she could do worse than T."

"I know she could but I need her to focus on school not the cute boy above the garage." My watch buzzed on my wrist signaling I needed to make my final turn into a driveway that was long enough I couldn't see the house from the road. I buzzed at the gate and the gate unlocked. Even though our gate had a camera I usually harassed anyone who buzzed it to goof off instead of just letting them in. "Okay. My dear friend Siri has informed me we've reached our final destination." The house came into view. "Holy shit."

"You said a swear word," Ellie said from the back.

"What is it?" Alex asked.

"His house is huge and gorgeous."

"Well have fun and report back later."

"I will. Talk to you tonight." I stopped the car as I saw the front door open. Jeremy came walking out as Ava ran in front of him towards the car. Ellie knew how to get herself out of the car so before I knew it she was running past Jeremy into the house with Ava.

"Hey slow down you two," he called. "Do you need help with anything?" He had walked over to me.

"I think I can get it all," I replied as I grabbed Axel from the backseat.

"Hey there, buddy." Jeremy's demeanor changed from being polite as he greeted us to the complete mush everyone turned into when they saw Axel.

"This is Axel."

"Hi, Axel." I watched as the little guy reached towards Jeremy. He rarely reached towards strangers like he wanted to be held but he didn't even remotely hesitate. Jeremy took him from my arms so I could close the door and grab the bag I had for me and the kids from the back. "He is so cute."

"Thanks. I think he's pretty great." I followed Jeremy into the house where we found the girls playing together. We went towards the kitchen where there was lunch set up for the kids.

"I didn't figure you'd want macaroni and cheese but it was Ava's request today."

"That's a good choice, Ava. I love macaroni and cheese." Jeremy must not have been kidding about having stuff for kids around because there was a high chair waiting for us so that I could help Axel eat. The girls happily chatted away as they ate quickly so they could start swimming. "Thank you for having us and letting me bring Axel with. Savannah was super excited about having a day off."

"No problem, he's a pretty cool kid." We were sitting by the pool watching the girls jump into the pool over and over again. "Ellie is a really great swimmer."

"So is Ava. I guess it pays to grow up in houses with pools."

"True. Do you also have one?" he asked.

"We don't but LA had a pool."

"Aha. Yeah, my house there has one too. I feel like not having a pool in LA is against some sort of city ordinance."

"So true. My condo in LA has one. I usually opted to use my friends' pools though. I mean I was at mine a lot but any chance to get out of my tiny condo was great. One bedroom seems so cramped when your friends all live in giant houses in the hills."

"You were in a one-bedroom with both of them?" He asked.

"Oh no, that would not have worked. I'd have lost my mind. I still have the condo for when I need to go back for work because it means I don't have to stay at my Dad's. Though at this point I'm fairly certain my younger brother has probably located the spare key and used it to escape his Mom." Jeremy laughed which made Axel laugh. "That's right Axe Man. Uncle Tony is silly and Nana Mandi makes all of us a little bonkers."

"Half brother?" He caught onto me saying 'his Mom' which meant he was observant.

"Yeah, Tony just graduated from college. He's the youngest of us. My sister Frankie is three years older than I am. Our Mom and Dad split when I was probably 8, Dad met Mandi, they got married and added Tony to the mix."

"I get that. My youngest sibling is the same age as the girls. He was born the same week as Ava."

"That has to be weird, right?"

"A little weird. But I get it. My Dad wanted more kids. I'd love more but I don't know if it's in my cards. What about you?"

"I never pictured myself having any kids. I was going to be the fun aunt that corrupted the children. Kids hadn't been in my cards at all. My best friend always told me they were different when they were yours which is a BS thing that everyone tells a woman who doesn't want to have kids. Turns out she was right. I hate it when she's right. So I guess someday maybe but for now, these two are all I can handle alone. Right Axe? You're just too much for just me to handle so we can't add another one." He giggled at me and I smiled.

"Is their Dad not in the picture?"

**********

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

I love a good cliffhanger! Which I know makes me SUUUUUPER evil.

Diving more into Charlie and the kids has been fun. The way conversation flows between she and Jeremy easily. The fact that Axel IMMEDIATELY thought Jeremy was cool is also pretty telling. Kids and dogs smell fear, it's something I've learned over the years. I'm childless by choice and intend on remaining that way. Outside of my niece and nephew kids are a little intimidating for me during periods of their lives. And usually they either want to be around me to make me anxious or they start screaming at the top of their lungs when there's even a thought of me holding them.

I must admit "Dear Evan Hansen" is one of my absolute favorite musicals so for Charlie to use it as a motivator for her mornings is something I also try to do. "Dear Charlie DeLuca, today is going to be a good day and here's why ___" I can picture her saying that in the mirror every morning and filling in the blank with what she's going to focus on.

Jeremy is an interesting character for me to develop as well. Admittedly, I LOVE Jeremy Renner. He's an incredible actor, musician, and those eyes are too beautiful for words. While I am using Jeremy as the inspiration of the character I can't really say that I believe the way I write the character to be anything like Jeremy in real life as I do not know him personally and I respect that he does the best he can to keep his private life private. So this may or may not be a version of him that reflects reality or that suits everyone, though I hope people enjoy reading it.

xx. AM

@baker151910 @alicenwrites

[wildflower8281]

Am I a Gypsy?

Today I sat down at a periwinkle wooden table with lime green cushioney chairs and journaled out how I want my life to look and feel for the next few years. All of the realms of it - feelings, body, home, work, friends, lovers, leisure. I’m currently house & pet sitting in a beautiful home in Scottsdale, with a huge pool, spacious, bright interiors and the sweetest, shaggy dog you’ll ever meet, Murray. It feels like a rather large Airbnb experience to me and has given my mind a place to rest and a bit of a vacay vibe, which is welcome after a few weeks of transition and seeking some new work opportunities.

So here I am: Age 37 and in a place in my life, yet again, where I can totally recreate my world in a new way. I’ve done this a few times already in my life and I look at it as a gift each time, albeit not always arriving when Kelly feels ready, or in the way Kelly thinks it might arrive, but a gift nonetheless - a space in time where I shed a version of myself that is no longer and step into something new, yet at the same time, is still fundamentally me.

(Photo: Current View, #house-sittinglife)

Past and Present

To give some perspective, 10 years ago, Summer 2009, I was halfway into a 4 year stint as a missionary nun in East Harlem, having 5 years of convent life under my belt. I spent a good part of that summer in Guyana, in S. America, living the adventure, sleeping under a mosquito net, driving on the left side of the road and boating down the river to visit remote communities. We organized a girls summer camp, bathed in the river twice a day and slept in tents for 2 weeks. It was pretty awesome honestly. Guyana and Harlem were both vibrant communities, with beautiful people and so many lessons. And yet, that life - as a religious sister - was not one I wanted to live for the rest of mine, so in 2011, I walked and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

(Photo: Bright Lights of Guyana, 2009)

So, when I say I’ve been here before, in this space of recreating my life and who I want to be in this world, I most definitely have been and returning home from the convent was one of those moments. At age 30, I came home from religious life with a few-inches-past-buzzed hair situation, 1 pair of sports pants, a few t-shirts, sneakers and sandals much too worn. For the past 8 years, my identity had been Sister Lumen (and/or Madre Lumen, at least in Harlem)....Now, I had to re-take-up my birth name and being of KellySue...Who the heck is that and what is she like at age 30 out here in this new world where people curse, read magazines and don’t ask permission for things?!

Holy Fucking Shit! (I wrote that honestly prior to realizing the amazing irony of the phrase...needless to say, I’ve come a long way.) Yea, the journey back into ‘the world’ is pretty fantastic actually, even though it’s laced here and there with some tears and fears. Everything from shopping for clothes, applying to jobs, making friends and, gasp, dating is like navigating uncharted waters when you haven’t even really been trained in how to sail. I have an entire post dedicated to “Things They Don’t Tell You When You Leave” here if you’d like to walk through the details: 15 Things They Don't Tell You When You Leave the Convent

So, post-convent I was faced with creating not only a new life in pragmatic ways, but truly a new identity. Or more accurately, finding the original one! So, while I dabbled in teaching and other cool gigs, flitted around with a few cool folks and loved a magical man from Brooklyn, the most important thing I “did” in New Jersey was find KellySue. And it was with that Found-Self that I boarded a 1-way flight to Arizona and knew in my gut the bright, mystical southwest would be my next home, and in many ways my first home - a space and life that I had created from the ground up, from the desires and images in my heart, to the colors that hang on my walls, the geeks and artists I spent my time with and the friends and lovers who have traversed my life here.

(Photo: Essequibo River, Guyana where we camped & bathed for 2 weeks)

And yet today, about 3.5 years into my Phoenix stint, I sit here at this table that 

is not mine, before Life Herself yet again. I have moved on from the Art Center, my first landing and family community here (aside from my real family of course,) a place that held me as I grew and challenged me to thrive. I rent The Dollhouse (a fabulous casita snuggled in the backyard of the main house, in the eclectic hood of #Coronado) and love her very much, but have very few possessions - no car, the bike I ride is not mine, no large appliances. I have clothes, a phone and my laptop. I have a great mattress, 1 dresser, 1 couch, 2 pretty teal chairs and a table from #Target. My smaller tables & most art supplies are from my Aunt, my dishes are from #Goodwillphx, as are mostly everything of decorative purpose. I don’t own many books by choice and prefer the #phxpubliclibrary. Even though I’ve curated my space lovingly and it most definitely echoes my vibe of colorful, bright and cozy - none of it is stuff that anchors me in this city. If someone offered me a job or to house-sit for a few months in Spain or Belize or pretty much anywhere new to me, I’d be off in a heartbeat!

(Photo: Unsplash)

That Time on Mt. Washington

So, today I sit here and ask myself, “Kelly, what do you want in your life?” I dedicate 1 page per theme: Feelings, Home, Work, Friends, Leisure, Lover. And I feel and write, imagine and think. And it crosses my mind more than once that not many people have this luxury. Well, I consider it a luxury! Perhaps some would consider it frightening or some other adjective, who knows?! To be 37, no kids, no pets, no house, no partner (3 out of 4 are very intentional...the 4th is seasonal, lol!) To sit at a table and draft & craft some Life up for the next 3-5-10 years or so. To be open to all the opportunities the Universe offers me, to list and discern and choose things I desire, experiences I want, types of people and energy I seek to feel. To me, this is luxury.

But this moment of vision and serenity hasn’t come without some unrest and many months of annoyance! It’s been a long journey to arrive to this table, to my journal, to feeling calm and open to the Universe’s next plans for me. Read on...

This arises in me every few years now, since I’ve been home. I feel like I’ve landed, I settle in, get cozy and then, kinda little by little, but eventually all of the sudden I look around where I am and my eyes grow wide��.

I pause, really look around, almost squinting to make sure, like, “No, it can’t be. Not yet. Not already…” That takes a good 3-4 months.

Then, I sigh and look around again, really feel into the energy of the space I’m in in my life and interiorly nod my head, as I think, “Uh-huh, yep...Alli esta….There it is...Ha llegado la hora…..It’s time.” This phase lasts another 1-2 months….

I think on it, ponder it, hold that feeling between my fingers, feel the texture of it and ask Life, “Really?! Again?! Already?!”

And, as I’m examining this situation from all angles in fits and starts, Life leads me (kicks, shoves me) right out the door because It Is fucking time, Kelly!

She ushers me into a brand new space (in all the senses) and opens the Doors of this new space so wide that the bright light actually hurts at first glance…

Like some aching pain, squinting, not seeing quite clearly, some fear, uncertainty, wanting to turn around and run back to where it’s darker, but familiar and I’m good at the stuff back there….

One thing the convent teaches you is humility….for better or worse, ha (#chapteroffaults.) It is a good virtue to possess and it has been a tool I have wielded in these moments in my life many times, a trusty friend if used wisely and, seemingly ironically, with confidence. Because humility allows me to be a novice each time, to be Ever-the-Learner, to be always open to the new. Humility allows me to be ok with not knowing everything, to be ok with being the new girl yet again, to be ok with waking up for weeks on end not knowing where you’re going to land, but trusting that you will, indeed, land, and land amazingly well because that’s what you do! Because ultimately, humility is not just relying on myself. It’s Me & The Universe. It’s trusting the shove out the door and believing the blinding light will one day actually clearly guide your path onto your next adventure and into a fuller version of yourself. Humility is like that time we (the nuns) hiked down Mt. Washington as the sun was setting, lead by only a flashlight, in the dark, wet forest, holding hands and trusting that if the sister in front of you landed her step safely, then the tiny light was all you also only needed to land safely. Humility allows for the one small step at a time, even if you don’t see the end or full picture yet, you know the Universe is showing you what you need in the moment you need it….

Also, Nature Herself is Humble, so there’s that….

Trees thrive where they’re planted.

Flowers are brilliantly radiant, yet silent.

The Ocean ebbs and flows forever without fanfare.

Birds unknowingly bring joy with their songs.

Mountains rise in splendor and ask no glory.

Gypsy Secrets

For someone who left the missionary life proper, who considers herself a homebody and most definitely a lover of the reliable routine, I find it funny that in the grand scheme of things, I actually move through life quite like a #gypsy! I’ve always been someone who leads with simplicity and doesn’t need many material items to feel happy, and I have never set an anchor in a place so deep that it forfeited my freedom to roam - a desire I’m learning is an essential part of my being. It’s a paradox of myself that I find really interesting. I will be the most reliable worker, on top of all my shit, I will work out faithfully and read daily, I eat the same things most days because I like them….and yet, every 4 years or so I will hop on a plane, take of my habit, walk out of a job and just fling myself into the Universe in this kind of radical, unconventional way (‘You’re leaving your job and you don’t have the next one lined up?!’….I’ve done this now 3x in my life quite successfully thankyouverymuch!) only to be explained by a feeling inside of me that I can no longer ignore. Or, more accurately, that no longer lets me ignore it. And so I go, I leave, I move, I reconsider, I recast dreams, I open, I sigh alot...I take that one clear step and then breathe, wondering what the next version of myself and my life will taste and feel like, grateful for the adventure and most importantly, knowing that “home” is not a place, but rather is within me, the liberating secret that every true #gypsy lives by.

[insideabunker]

The Games: Chapter 2

"I don't care how good she is, Mike, there's just no reason to take her. There are more than enough good tall guys out there, and it would be a strict disadvantage to put someone so small behind the net."

In a cradle of loose netting behind the crossbar, a tiny transistor radio crackled to life, filling the frozen air with the staticky voices of commentators.  The sound echoed through the empty rink, followed by the sharp metal ding of a puck as it ricocheted off the goal post.

"We gonna listen to that thing the whole fucking time?"

"It motivates me."

"To what, have an aneurysm?"

The crack of a slap shot rang out like a bullet from a gun, followed immediately by the hard thud of vulcanized rubber hitting leather at 80 miles an hour.

"Are you throwing softballs?"

Lincoln eyed the goalie skeptically.  "Why am I even shooting from the line? You should be working on close up stuff. The teams you're going to be playing will be focusing on dekes, tips, and wrists more than they will slap shots.  You need to work on reading the body."

"Pussy."

Another crack filled the area, another hollow thud as the puck was stopped mid-flight.

"That's more like it."

Lincoln scowled.  As irritating as she could be, there was no denying his friend's talent.  The problem was that Lexa would be the first one to the point that out, and it made the goaltender hard to bear, and on rare occasions, pretty tough to like.

The radio crackled to life again, the static fragmenting the voices as they droned on.

"Oh, come on!  Remember Enroth?  He was five foot eleven, and the fans up in Buffalo didn't seem to mind him."

"Enroth? Enroth!?  Mike, if you're going to use someone as an example at least pick someone who still plays in the NHL.  The last time I checked Enroth was sent packing to a KHL team in Belarus or some such place.  Meanwhile, Halak and Khudobin, the only goalies in the league I can think of that are under six feet tall, haven't started more than half the games in a season."

"Keith, I played with Gerry Cheevers, who is arguably one of the greatest goaltenders in history.  He had to have been no taller than five foot eleven, and a hundred and eighty pounds soaking wet.  Now, Woods is only one inch and five pounds smaller than that.  You cannot tell me that she can't compete at a professional level."

"Ok Mike, thousands of years ago, when you played, it wasn't uncommon to see a guy five foot ten or five foot eleven between the pipes.  And for the record, I'm not arguing that she can't play.  She's good. I've seen her play. I know she's good. She might even be better than good. My point is there's just no reason to take her in an era of giant goaltenders.  Right now, the average goalie in the NHL is six foot two, two hundred and ten pounds.  And that's just the average.  Ben Bishop is six foot seven, two hundred and sixteen pounds.  Why on earth would you bother taking this girl when there are guys like that out there? Does she have the chops for the NHL? Sure. Fine. But, why sign a small, average quality NHL prospect, when you've got guys playing at the same level who can also fill up the net like they're the Rock of Gibraltar?"

"Well, either way, her selection to the Canadian national team should make this Olympics an interesting one."

"One thing is for sure.  If this girl wants a shot at being selected to a professional team, there had better be a shiny, gold medal hanging around her neck at the end of the games.  I doubt any NHL team is going to sustain interest if she can't bring home gold when she's just playing against other women."

“Can we please turn that crap off,” Lincoln pleaded with her, his arms dangling at his sides as he kicked a puck into position for another shot."

“I don’t want to.” Lexa adjusting her footing as she waited for him to snap the puck.

“Dante's gonna be pissed when he hears you've been binge-listening to this crap again.”

“He won't,” she crouched low in the net, superstitious that the mere mention of the surly, wizened goalie coach might summon him to appear before her.

“It's gonna get into your head.”

“It won't,” she crouching lower still, dismissing the momentary sting of guilt at her dishonesty.

“Whatever you say.”

Lincoln wound back, his body twisting forward violently as he slapped the puck in her direction, full force.

Most people would have believed Lexa when she told them that the detractors and skeptics didn’t get to her, but not Lincoln. He had known her too intimately for far too long.  Lincoln knew when Lexa was lying to herself. When they were children, it had been easier to recognize, easier to see the hurt hidden behind the brave face. Now though, the cracks around the edges were almost imperceptible, and when the naysaying was at its worst, Lexa only doubled down on her cocksure bravado.  It was an act that had become so calculated, so much a part of her, that he doubted she could tell the difference between the facade and the emotional truth behind it.

On the rare occasions that Lexa's emotions did break the surface, they always came out convoluted, manifesting themselves as anger and aggression rather than hurt and disappointment.  There were times when Lincoln wanted to do more, say more to help her, but his oldest friend lived in abject fear of losing her competitive edge. Frustratingly, Lexa believed that it was her fury, rather than her natural talent alone, that continued to propel her forward. Lincoln knew that his words would fall on deaf ears.

“So you want me to bring it in close?”

“Nope.”

Lincoln sighed, kicking at a puck.

“Lex, the teams at the Olympics...”

“I'm not training to play the teams at the Olympics, Lincoln."

"Lexa..."

They're women, Lincoln!  I've been playing in the damn OHL for three years now.  Men's professional hockey is my reality.  The Olympic games are a distraction at best, and when they're over, I need to be playing at a level that's going to get me drafted out of here. Training for the women's game isn't going to help me with that."

"And training like you're about to play Zdeno Chara is going to lose you the gold!"

Lincoln sent a puck flying towards the stands in frustration. It barely missed the glass, making a terrible rattling sound as it shook the board.

"Lexa, just listen to me for once! You're minimizing how good these players are."

The hulking former defenseman skated over to his friend, pulling off his helmet and discarding it gently on ice as he wiped the sweat from his brow.

"You're not wrong.  The women's game is different, but different doesn't mean worse, it doesn't mean unskilled.  These women play a different style of hockey, and all of them are extremely good at it.  Some of them are unbelievably good at it.  More importantly, because you've spent your entire career playing in all-male leagues, their style of hockey isn't one you've played before.  If you underestimate how hard it's going to be for you to adjust to that, you do so at your own peril."

Lexa sighed, pulling her goalie mask off. “I swear Lincoln; coaching women has gotten you soft.”

She winked, smirking at her already exacerbated friend. After a two year stint in the NHL, a catastrophic injury had realigned Lincoln's stars, setting him on a new path as the assistant coach of a collegiate women's team in Wisconsin.  His transition from rising playboy all-star to a champion of Title IX and female athletes was a sensitive matter, though he remained a good sport when it came to teasing.  She expected him to roll his eyes, groan, or perhaps playfully punch her in the arm.  Instead, he made Lexa jump as he threw his stick onto the ice, furious.

“Lexa! Can you just drop your fucking attitude for once?”

He skated away from her, his hands resting behind his head as he took a moment to cool off.

"You know… I get it. I grew up with you. I was there when you and those other girls petitioned to play in the boy’s league.  I saw how you were the only one left standing after years of harassment and abuse.  I've been with you every step of the way, so I understand how you ended up with the mindset you have, but you've got to get over this toxic masculinity shit! Somewhere, deep down inside of you, you still believe that you've gotten this far in spite of being a woman.  That belief is wrong, Lexa.  That thinking is your Achille's heel."

He turned back to her, rubbing his temples to soothe the headache form an afternoon of clenching his jaw.

"Those girls don't think that way.  I know you believe that if they were as good as you, they'd be playing in the men's leagues too, but you're wrong.  They didn't grow up where we did; they didn't have to walk that path.  They grew up playing in women's leagues, where nobody ever told them they weren't good enough.  They're not playing to prove anything to anyone."

He eyed her knowingly, an unspoken truth passing between them."

"If you shove it in their face that you think you're better than them because you play with men, they're going to use that attitude to humiliate you."

Lexa's face was red, her eyes fixed and furious.  She threw her goalie stick in Lincoln's general direction and tossed her glove and blocker down in disgust.

“I didn't even want to compete with these women! Playing for the stupid Olympic team was your idea; you and Dante!  I don't understand why the hell I'm supposed to learn some whole new style of play for something that's going to last all of three weeks!"

"Because it's a damn honor!"

Lincoln and Lexa both froze as the gravelly voice of Dante Wallace rumbled at them from across the ice.

"And would either of you care to tell me what you're doing here on a day that I specifically told you to take off?"

For a second, Lexa just watched her coach approaching, frozen in shock as though she were an eight-year-old who'd just been caught goofing off in practice. She was accustomed to her coach's frequent irritability, but this was a different mood altogether. The old salt was raging, his anger fueled by the audacity of his protege's defiance. Dante was the kind of man who refused to take insubordination lightly, and as he stomped towards them, fisherman's cap pulled low on his brow, unlit cigarette gripped between his gritted teeth, unshaven jaw clenched, Lexa knew she was about to catch hell.

"What the hell do you think you're doing!"

"Dante, I..."

Dante held up his hand, pointing directly at Lincoln as he continued to stare Lexa down.

"Don't you even start!"

He thrust his index finger in Lexa's direction.

"You want to practice? Fine, let's practice.  Suicides, go!"

Lexa remained frozen for a moment, trying in vain to process an excuse.

"Now!" He pointed at Lincoln.  "You too, blockhead!"  

The pair finally sprung into action, dashing off towards the closest line and hustling back towards the goal.

Dante watched his unfortunate trainees sprint towards center ice, already panting.  He muttered, pulling up the zipper on the ancient Red Wings Starter jacket he was never without.  He stood there, letting a full five minutes pass until the suffering athletes had begun to turn red and pour sweat before he launched into his lecture.

"You're a damn fool, Woods! Only a fool would underestimate their opponent to service their individual, selfish pride."

He chewed on the end of the unlit cigarette, shifting it from one side of his mouth to the other.

"You've been granted the privilege of representing your country because you're the best it has to offer, a paragon of true Olympic prowess, and like a jackass, you choose to squander that opportunity. Why? Because you don't like the stipulations?!"

He spat his cigarette out on the ice, finally blowing the whistle around his neck to give the go-ahead for Lexa and Lincoln to stop.  The two dropped to the ice, gasping for breath.

"Woods, you're one of the best goalies I've ever coached, you might even be the best. Right now, however, you could fit the number of people that believe that into a pee-wee locker room. This season is the last one you'll be eligible to play Major Junior, and if you're betting on those NHL scouts suddenly coming to their senses, you've got another thing coming."

Dante walked over to where the players were slumped over on the ice, still trying to catch their breaths.  He crouched directly in front of Lexa's face, staring her dead in the eye.

"Kid, you've spent the last three years playing for the worst team in Northern Ontario.  Nobody gives a rat's ass how good you are if they don't see you play.  You're invisible up here, and as long as you're invisible, the NHL can ignore you all they like.   Play net at the Olympics and you get to show the whole world what you can do.  Nobody will be able to ignore you after that.  That's why I insisted you play for the women's national team."

Dante stood, brushing the wrinkles out of his pants, and popping another cigarette into his mouth.

"Now get off my ice and go clean yourselves up.”  He paused looking over the pathetic, exhausted skaters with disdain.  "You two look like a damn soup sandwich."

With that, he trudged off, the scent of bay rum and stale Camel Straights lingering in his wake.

Next Chapter ->

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[redditnosleep]

Has Anyone Heard of The Left/Right Game?

by NeonTempo

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 (Final)

A few points before we start.

Firstly, I am not the protagonist of this story. I just went to university with her, and though she went on to become a professional writer, I most certainly did not. She'll be taking over from me further down but, until then, please forgive my slightly awkward delivery while I give you guys the necessary context.

Secondly, I don't know what you will make of the following events, and I'm sure many of you might consider it all some sort of hoax. I wasn't present for any of what transpired in Phoenix, Arizona but I can vouch for the person who wrote the following logs. She is not, and has never been, a fantasist.

Ok so I once knew a girl called Alice Sharma. She was an undergrad at Edinburgh Uni the same time I was. My educational poison was History, a degree which has greatly benefited my career as a bicycle repairman. Alice Sharma studied journalism, though perhaps "studied" isn't the word. It's not an exaggeration to say that she lived and breathed the subject. Editor-in-chief of the campus paper, recognisable voice of student radio. She was frustratingly tunnel visioned, and she was a journalist in her own right before anyone gave her a professional shot.

We met in student halls and became friends almost immediately. A meandering waster trying to stay off his parent's farm and an intrepid, ambitious reporter may not seem the most obvious pairing, but I learned not to question it. She was inspiring, and smart and she proofread all my essays. I’m not too sure what she saw in me.

We were eventually flatmates down in London where she chased her dream and I chased my tail. She got a few jobs here and there, but nothing befitting of her skills. After months of fruitless internships and rejections, Alice called a flat meeting, telling us that she was moving to America, accepting a position chasing stories for National Public Radio. The job had come out of the blue, the result of a hail mary application she thought had been dismissed out of hand. We threw her a bittersweet going away party and put the room up for rent.

That party was the last time I saw Alice Sharma. She dropped out of contact a few months after her departure. Complete radio silence. I assumed she was just busy so I carried on with my small but happy life, and waited for her to pop up on television with some important words below her name; Chief Correspondent, Senior Analyst… something like that.

The radio silence was broken last week, and, for reasons you’ll glean further down, I’m less happy about it than I would’ve thought.

Arriving home from work I found a lone email in my otherwise bare inbox. An email that would later be described as "suspicious" by my tech literate friends. Despite being born in the early 1990's I didn't own a computer until uni, and I've missed several important lessons in the world of cyberspace. Lessons like "Don't call it Cyberspace" of course and more importantly, "Don't open emails with no text, no subject and no sender's address."

I realise most of you would have deleted this anonymous, blank email immediately, my friends certainly would have, but beyond my basic ignorance about online safety, something further compelled me to open it. The only thing of substance in the entire message was a zipped folder, labeled:

Left.Right.AS

I don't have to explain what I was hoping those final initials stood for.

Opening the zipped folder I found myself staring at a stack of text files. Each one titled with a date, continuing sequentially from the very earliest file "07-02-2017". (To any Americans in the room this is the 7th of February).

I’ve since read the files a few times, and shown them to some friends. They don't know what to make of it either, but they certainly aren't as concerned as me. They think Alice is just in a creative writing phase and, if I didn't know her, I’d have to agree. But the thing is, I do know her. Alice Sharma only cares about the truth and if that's the case with these files, insane as it may sound, then it’s very possible my friend has documented her own disappearance.

The people who suggested this forum said you discuss strange occurrences etc. If you guys have come across anything to do with the below, or know any of the people involved, then please send any information my way.

Has anyone here heard of the Left/Right Game?

The Left/Right Game [DRAFT 1] 07/02/2017

They say great stories happen to those who can tell them. Robert J. Guthard is an exception to that rule. As I sit at his table, sip his coffee and listen to him recount the past 65 years it sounds like he's reading off a shopping list. Every event, his first job, his second wedding, his third divorce, none of them receive more than one or two sentences. Rob plows through the years, the curt, dispassionate curator of his own personal history. Yet the story itself is so fascinating, so rich with moments and so wildly meandering that it somehow stands on its own merits.

It's a great story, no matter how you tell it.

By the time Rob was 21, he'd gotten married, had a son, worked as a farmer, a mover, a boat engineer, and grown estranged from his spouse... Here's him talking about that.

ROB: Course my wife started to get dissatisfied, I was away a while.

AS: For work?

ROB:Vietnam.

AS: You were in Vietnam? How was that for you?

ROB: I ain't never been back since.

That was everything he had to say concerning his first divorce, and the entire Vietnam war.

Rob had four marriages after that, and even more professions. After the war he worked with a firm of private detectives, got shot at once by the mob, then he became a courier, which is how a poor boy from Alabama got to see the world.

ROB: I been to most of the continents with that job. I been to India. You from India?

AS: My mum and dad are from India yeah.

ROB: See I could tell.

He'd been arrested once in Singapore, after one of his packages had been found to be full of white powder. He spent three days locked up before someone got around to checking the substance. It was chalk.

A friend he made during his brief custody, Hiroji Sato, invited Rob to stay with him in Japan. Just getting over the breakup of his third marriage, Rob took the offer. He stayed in Japan for another 5 years.

ROB: The Japanese are good people. Good manners. But they got all these urban legends and ghost stories that Hiroji was crazy for, spent all his free time chasing them down. Like, you heard of Jorogumo?

AS: I don't think so"

ROB: Well she's this spider lady lives in the Joro Falls round Izu. Meant to be real pretty but real dangerous. Hiroji took us out there to get a picture of her.

AS: Did you ever meet Jorogumo?

ROB Nah she didn't show. None of them did. I didn't believe at all until we went to Aokigahara

Aokigahara, affectionately titled the Suicide Forest. The next stop on Rob's adventure. It's an area of woodland at the base of Mount Fuji, a notorious hotspot for young people looking to take their own lives. Hiroji, Rob's ghost obsessed jailmate turned best friend, took him to Aokigahara to chase "yurei" the ghosts of the forest.

AS: Did you find anything? In Aokigahara?

ROB: Well I ain't gonna ask you to believe me. But I was a PI. Professional cynic. Even I can't deny there was a spirit in those woods.

From that moment on, Rob's sentences start getting longer. A childlike excitement creeps into his voice. I get the distinct feeling we're moving beyond background, beyond Rob Guthard's old life, and towards his new one. The one he wants to talk about. The one that led him to contact the show.

ROB: It walked up to me through the trees. Looked like static you see on a TV screen but it had a human shape almost.

AS: Almost?

ROB: It was missing an arm. It reached out to me but I bolted outta that forest so fast. Hiroji never saw it, holds it against me to this day.

Hiroji had good reason to be annoyed. Rob says that Mr Sato had been going to the forest 2-3 times per year for three decades. To have a rookie come along and claim to have seen a yurei on his first trip? I'd be more than a little cranky.

But Rob didn't stay a rookie for long. In fact, it was in those woods that he discovered his current passion. The supernatural, or more accurately, the documentation and investigation of urban legends. Legends like Bloody Mary, the Jersey Devil, Sasquatch. Rob has looked into them all.

ROB: I figured if one was true then who knows how many others could be.

AS: How many have you proven so far?

ROB: Since Aokigahara? Ain't none of em had any proof to em. Except for one. That's why I called you guys up.

At this point, Rob can’t hope to repress his smile.

The Left/Right game appeared on a paranormal message board in June 2016. Only a few people frequently visited the forum and, of these regulars, only Rob took an interest in the post.

ROB: The whole thing had a level of detail you don't see in other stories.

AS: What details grabbed your interest?

ROB: Logs. High quality pictures. The guy documented everything, said he wasn't gonna play the game anymore. I think he wanted somebody to keep investigating.

AS: And you were that somebody.

ROB: That's right. I set about trying to verify his information right away.

AS: And how did it go?

ROB: Well... It didn't take long to realise the Left/Right Game is the real thing.

The rules of the Left/Right game are simple. Get in your car and take a drive. Take a left, then the next possible road on the right, then the next possible left. Repeat the process ad infinitum, until you wind up somewhere... new. The rules are easy to understand, but Rob says their not so easy to follow.

ROB: There ain't all that many roads where you can turn left and right and left and right and keep going. Most of the time you find yourself at a dead end or needing to turn in the wrong direction. Phoenix is built on a grid system so you can keep going left and right as long as you need to.

AS: Did you move to Phoenix for the Left/Right game?

ROB: That's right.

I try not to seem incredulous. Selling your house in another state, packing up and moving your whole life to Phoenix, Arizona just to play a game you saw on the internet? It seems like insanity. Rob smiles as he reads my expression. I can clearly read his expression too. "You'll see." It says. "Just wait."

I wouldn't have to wait long. Included within the 9 page submission Rob sent our show, was a long list of suggested items the chosen reporter should bring with them. Clothes for three days, a pocket knife, matches, bandages. There were also a set of qualifications the reporter should have. The ability to drive, basic vehicle maintenance and its human equivalent... first aid training. He didn't just want to talk about the Left/Right Game. He wanted to take one of us along.

Rob leaves a short while later to embark on a few errands, "Prepping the Run", as he calls it. He shows me to the guest room and we part ways, on good terms but very much aware of the other's poorly veiled opinions. He knew I saw him as a charming obsessive, chasing after a fairy tale. He saw me as a naive cynic, on the cusp of a new world. All I could think as I heard the front door close is that by tomorrow afternoon, one of us would be right.

More after this.

When I wake up the next morning, Rob is in my room, holding a tray which he'd knocked on the bottom of to rouse me. I don't manage to record the start of our conversation.

ROB: - I got bananas, strawberries, chocolate syrup. We got some more downstairs but I wanted you to wake up to something good. We won't be eatin' this stuff on the road."

Rob has made me waffles. He sets them down on the night stand and talks through the coming day as I eat. I'll admit it feels a little uncomfortable, waking up in a stranger's home to find said stranger already standing over me, but I quickly move past it. I tell myself that he’s an older man, accustomed to living alone in his own house, not usually having to think about boundaries. Anyway, he certainly knows his way around a waffle iron.

ROB: We hit the road at 9. I wanted to give you time to get ready before everyone shows up.

AS: There are other people coming?

ROB: We got a 5 car convoy on the road today. They'll be here in an hour.

This is the first I’ve heard of a convoy, and to be honest I’m surprised. The game is Rob's obsession, and I’m here at his request. The idea that anyone else would have an interest in today's drive is a little perplexing.

Half an hour later, sated, showered and dressed in the "functional clothing" Rob had so painstakingly outlined, I take my pack out to the porch. Rob’s already there, waiting for his associates to show up.

AS: I thought you'd be conducting a few more errands.

ROB: If you ain't prepared by the morning of, you ain't prepared.

AS: Hah ok I guess that's fair. Oh, Rob is the garage locked? The inside door won't budge and I wanted to mic up the car.

ROB: Yeah it's locked up I'll open it for ya.

AS: Thank you.

ROB: In fact it's about time I wheeled her out. Fair warning Ms Sharma, she's a thing of beauty.

To Rob Guthard, beauty took the form of a dark green Jeep Wrangler. Rob climbs in and lets it roll out of the garage, where it dominates every inch of driveway. The car is large; four doors with a roof enclosing the entire compartment. It’s also been modified extensively, yet another example of Rob's dedication to the game.

ROB: What're you thinking?

AS: I think you're two caterpillar treads short of driving a tank.

ROB: Hah yeah I fixed her up good. I put the winch in, heavy duty tires, the light rig on top is LED's. They'll make midnight look like noon but they don't use hardly any power.

AS: Aren't Jeeps open top usually?

ROB: Not all. This is the Unlimited. I like to have a covered car when I head on the road.

I climb in and stow my pack. Rob had removed the back seats to afford more storage space. The place is packed to the brim. Jerry cans of gasoline, barrels of water, rope, snacks and his own neatly packed set of clothes.

I wonder if the rest of our convoy would take the game so seriously.

ROB: We got Apollo coming up in 10 minutes. No one else has given me a time. I sent the schedule weeks ago, this always happens.

AS: His name's Apollo?

ROB: That's his call sign. Apollo Creed I think he said.

AS: Why are you using call signs?

ROB: Did I not tell you? Oh yeah we're gonna use call signs on the road, keep communication clear.

AS: What's your callsign?

ROB: Ferryman.

AS: ... What's my call sign?

ROB: I thought about it. I was thinking London, you're from London right?

AS: I'm from Bristol.

ROB: Bristol? That’s fine I guess.

It’s less than ten minutes before Apollo turns the corner. Rob jumps out of his chair and paces briskly over to the edge of his property, as his first guest pulls up and steps onto the sidewalk.

Apollo vaguely resembles his namesake, dark skinned, tall and noticeably well built, though it’s clear he couldn’t be less of a fighter. This Apollo Creed is all smiles and seems to have a penchant for laughing at his own jokes.

AS: How far have you come?

APOLLO: I've come out of Chicago. Took three days hard driving.

AS: And you know Rob from the forums?

APOLLO: Everybody knows Rob, Rob's the god! Ahaha

Rob walks over to Apollo's car, gesturing him over to talk shop. Rob’s clearly impressed with Apollo's choice of vehicle, a blue Range Rover packed to the ceiling with kit. I was more impressed with Rob himself. Somehow this 65 year old farmer's son had become respected in a vast online community. My dad is Rob’s age and he's just discovered copy and paste.

The rest don't take long to arrive. Two Minnesotan librarians, also around Rob's age, pull up in a grey Ford Focus. They’re brother and sister, and they've shared ghost hunting as a hobby their entire lives. I find it hard to suppress a smile when they meekly introduce themselves as Bonnie and Clyde.

CLYDE: We would have gotten here sooner we had to drop by to get some blankets. Pleasure to meet you ma'am.

AS: Pleasure to meet you too.

CLYDE: Would you be the journalist?

AS: That's right.

CLYDE: You used to write for the town paper didn't you?

He's talking to his sister there, she nods. Clyde is clearly the spokesperson for the pair, yet they both seem incredibly shy. Whether they admire the famous outlaws, or just the name, it's pretty clear they couldn't be more different from the real thing.

Next to show up are Lilith and Eve, English Lit students at New York University and proprietors of the YouTube channel Paranormicon. Unlike Bonnie and Clyde, Lilith and Eve have no issue holding a conversation. As soon as they learn who I am, and what I do for a living, they attempt to conscript me for an expedition to Roswell.

LILITH: We have a friend there, he's been seeing some-

EVE: -He's a seismologist

LILITH: Yeah and he's been recording readings over the years that show subterranean movement. Predictable movement.

EVE: We're going to see him in July, but we could work it around you if you're free.

AS: I'll have to check my schedule

EVE: OK cool let me give you my email...

They quickly hurry off to film an intro for their latest video, featuring a quick interview with Rob, who seems pretty welcoming of the attention.

The last two cars arrive within a few seconds of each other. A lithe, strong willed older lady who goes by Bluejay and a younger man going by the callsign “Ace”. Bluejay has arrived in a grey Ford Explorer. Ace, much to Rob's annoyance, has arrived in a Porsche.

ROB: Did you think that's gonna help on the road? I didn't write that-

ACE: It's my car. What am I meant to do,? It's my car.

ROB: You didn't read my itinerary, you got nothing packed in there.

ACE: I did read it sir OK? Calm down. I have a bag, I won't ask you for anything.

ROB: Well I know that's true.

Ace and Rob were off to a bad start. Ace takes a phone call, and despite my best efforts to get an interview with Bluejay, she doesn't seem interested in talking to a journalist.

With five cars, and seven travellers waiting for a green light, Rob hands out radios and charging packs, then launches into a quick safety briefing. Wear seatbelts. Stay in position. Communicate clearly and often. It’s at this moment I start to feel a little dismay. I like Rob, and clearly so does everyone else. He'd convinced all of them to drive across the country to join in with his game. I start to worry what will happen in the likely event that the whole thing isn’t real. Would Rob lose the respect of his peers? Would he accept failure when it comes? After seeing the effort he’s put into these runs, the next few hours have the potential to be wildly uncomfortable.

With a smile and a few encouraging words, Rob ends his briefing and beckons me over to the Wrangler. I clamber inside and make myself as comfortable as possible.

ROB: You ready for this Bristol?

AS: I'm ready.

ROB: Ok then let's hit the road.

The Wrangler pulls out of the driveway, and the convoy follows in order of arrival. Apollo, Bonnie & Clyde, Lilith & Eve, Bluejay and Ace keep a steady pace behind us as we come up to the first corner.

Rob slowly and deliberately turns left, checking on the others in his rear view mirror. He looks back to the road as Ace’s Porsche completes the first turn of the game. Shortly afterwards, Apollo checks in on the CB radio.

APOLLO: This is Apollo for Ferryman. How many to more go Rob? ahahaha

ROB: Hah as many as it takes.

I can tell Rob wanted the to reserve the radio for something other than Apollo's quips. But he seems to like Apollo enough to let it slide. I'm not sure Ace would have received the same treatment. We take the next right, then another left. Now safely assured that everyone's following correctly, Rob speaks my thoughts aloud.

ROB: You're wondering the same thing Apollo is.

AS: What do you mean?

ROB: You're wondering how many turns we're gonna take before we hit some wall or something. Before you find out this is all just a story.

AS: Does that disappoint you?

ROB: I'd be disappointed if you weren't thinking something like it. But now we're on the road I gotta say something and you gotta listen to it.

AS: OK...

ROB: We're coming up to a tunnel soon. Any time before we reach it you can get out, walk in any direction you like, and you won’t be in the game no more. Once we go through, you gotta retrace the route we took to get yourself back out that tunnel. That's when you’re home. And you gotta convince someone to take you back in a car coz I ain't ferrying you back 20 minutes in. You got till the tunnel to skip out on this, understand?

AS: I understand. Though I have to say I'm getting little nervous.

ROB: Ain't nothing wrong with a little nervous.

We've taken 23 turns by this point. Already I feel like we're traversing the city pretty effectively. Rob's heavily modified Wrangler solicits a few impressed glances from passersby, as well as several honks of respect from other Jeep drivers. Other than those few moments, everything seems completely indistinguishable from a regular morning drive. I even start to worry if there’ll be anything at all for this story. “Reporter Takes Drive With Interesting Man” isn’t exactly Pulitzer worthy.

Turn 33 leads us onto a short, unassuming street. A row of small businesses in a quiet Phoenician neighbourhood; liquor, second hand clothing, tools and, at the end of the street, a little shop selling antique mirrors. Ten or so people shuffle along the sidewalk, smiling, talking, planning their weekends. The only lone person is a young woman in a grey coat..

I briefly glimpse her at the end of the street, standing on our next corner, the back of her coat reflected in fifty old mirrors. Even from a distance I can see that she’s sullen, wide eyed and nervous. She shifts constantly on her feet, tugging at the button of her coat.

I look away to write some notes as we roll down the street. When I look up again, the woman is standing by my window, staring right at me. She’s smiling, a wide, unfaltering grin that seems almost offensive in its complete insincerity.

GREYWOMAN: Lambs at the gate. Hoping for something better than clover when all they find are things worse than slaughter.

AS: Rob what's happening?

ROB: Ignore her.

GREYWOMAN: He wanted to leave me so I cut him out. The lake was hungry it drank the wound clean.

AS: Miss, are you alright?

The smile vanishes, it snaps from her face and suddenly, the woman is furious.

GREYWOMAN: What do you think you're doing?! Have you gone mad?!

I reflexively press myself back in my chair as the woman, wild eyed and gaunt, slams her fists against my window, with every intent of breaking through.

GREYWOMAN: Would you dance down the lion’s tongue? It will shred you, you whore! It will shred you down to your sins! You fucking bastard!

Rob puts his foot down, and the Wrangler rolls defiantly away from the woman. As we turn the corner I watch her as she wretches, her every movement cradled in abject hysteria. She yells despairingly at the rest of the convoy, bursting into tears when the last car passes her by.

As she shrinks into the rear view mirror, I see her turn to a large mirror on the side of the shop, which the owner is in the process of polishing. I watch as she walks up to it, and with a convulsant scream, slams her head into the glass.

The mirror cracks around her forehead, the owner jumps back in shock, and as the woman pulls her head from the mirror's surface, the fractured spider’s web is dripping red. It all happens in a split second, and she quickly swerves from my view as we take the next left.

AS: Rob, what was that?

ROB: She's there sometimes.

AS: On that street?

ROB: On the 34th turn.

AS: Who is she?

ROB: I don't know. She's never acted out that much before though. Must be a special trip.

I find Rob's lack of concern a little unpleasant, and his implication that this woman's ravings were the symptom of an internet game leaves me more than a little perturbed. As I see it, there are a few explanations for what just happened, and none of them lead to a comforting conclusion.

If we had just encountered a bonafide crazy person, then one could argue that Rob is just seeing what he wants to see. Maybe he'd bought into the game’s story so much that every strange but explainable occurrence would be rationalised as the next step in his favourite paranormal narrative.

Alternatively, the woman could have been an actor, a more elaborate theory sure, but not unheard of. People have lied to the show before and Rob was receiving a tonne of publicity for this attempt from Lilith, Eve and I. I admit, Rob didn't seem like a liar, but good liars never do.

There is a third alternative however. An alternative which, if you put logic aside, explains the all troubling little details that I couldn't help but notice. Because as strange as the grey woman was, isn't it stranger that no one on the street would react? I couldn't recall a single glance in her direction by anybody on the sidewalk. Perhaps that theory falls apart when you consider the shock on the mirror seller's face but, when I think about it, he only reacted once the mirror shattered, and even then, I feel like his attention was on the mirror itself.

The radio crackles.

LILITH: Lillith to Bristol. Sara... Eve got that on camera! Do you have audio?

AS: I think it picked her up.

LILITH: My god that was so weird. Can you send us the file when we stop? Can you ask Ferryman when we're stopping?

AS: When's our stopping point?

ROB: For them, in about 30 minutes. For you? Well, you tell me.

Rob turns off a busy street just before a large intersection, onto a much quieter stretch of two lane road. Ahead of us the road slopes downward, leading into an underpass, which disappears into darkness.

We'd arrived at the tunnel.

AS: What is this supposed to pass under?

ROB: Ain't supposed to pass under anything, it's just there.

AS: And if we weren't playing the game?

ROB: Then it won't show. The question is, are you playing the game or not?

Rob turns to me. It’s the first time he’s taken his eyes off the road since we started. He pulls the car to a slow stop at the mouth of the tunnel.

ROB: You get out now you can go wherever you wanna go, but through there you'll need a car to get yourself home and, like I said, mine ain't turnin round for a long while. You understand?

It’s a dramatic statement, but unsettlingly, it doesn’t feel like he’s attempting to dramatise. It feels like I’m having something genuinely asked of me. Am I ready for what’s to come? Do I accept the risks involved? Do I consent to be taken down this road, and the next road, and the next? Am I prepared to see this game through, real or otherwise, to its end?

AS: What are you waiting for?

Rob smiles, and turns back to the road. He picks up the CB radio holds down the button on the side. The microphone crackles.

ROB: This is Ferryman to all cars. Anyone want to step out then pull to the side now. Otherwise, stay in formation and have some supplies at hand. We got a long ways to go.

Much like the game I’m so tentatively playing, my view of Robert J. Guthard seems to change direction frequently. I’d heard all about his life, but I’m sure that I know him. I like the guy, but I’m not certain that I trust him. And though I admire his dedication to the Left/Right Game, I’m not sure I’ll like where it might lead us. Yet as he takes us into the tunnel, his face vanishing and reappearing under the dim sodium lights, I can that tell he expects this trip to be a major step in his already impressive story, and this time, for better or for worse, I’m along for the ride.

[fyrapartnersearch]

SHAME SHAME SHAME

everybody's people watchin' everybody’s punch clockin’

hey how are ya my name is emmy and i’m here to search for a new rp partner. a bit about me, i’m 22, canadian, work two part time jobs and attend uni full time and i go by she/her pronouns. i reside in the mountain timezone and i am thrilled to hopefully start writing with you. 

why should you write with me? because i promise that if i pick up an rp with you i’m gonna put 100 and 10 percent of my effort into our story. i’m looking for a long term gig, someone who i can really weave a plot with, someone who digs the cut of my jib. i want us to be able to sob over our characters together late into the night. i want us to exchange songs, playlists, posts found on the internet, aesthetic boards, whatever reminds us of our characters/our plot.

i will probably spam you with pictures of my character’s playby and i want to see mad pics of yours, too. i want us to go through our character’s struggles together as well as be able to cheer together when our characters get a hold on their situation and come up on top. i want us to inspire one another with our writing. it’s gonna be great. you & me honey. 

right now I'm looking for 1-2 new rp partners who are interested in something long-term and fully fleshed out. think 'mains'. 

gee, that sounds nice! i’m inclined to agree! but a few things you should know before you go any further: i write anywhere between full lit to lit + to novella style, so expect posts of at least 4 - 6 paragraphs baseline. sometimes i crank out 10. or just 5. depends entirely on what’s going on. i write according to situation, with a great amount of detail spent on what my character is thinking/feeling in response to yours. the replies you get will be fully fleshed out & enthralling. i am a stickler for grammar and spelling, though nobody’s perfect, i do occasionally have my slipups. all lowercase text is strictly kept to ooc communication. i can be sporadic with capitalization ooc but still keep good spelling. i will never pressure you into posting or writing ridiculous amounts just to match my post. i want you to have fun too! if i’ve had a bit too much to drink or am about to hit the hay, i’ll wait to post until i can give my post my full attention. usually i’ll be able to post at least once every week, sometimes multiple times a week depending on work & schoolwork. i'm available for ooc chat almost all the time. i also totally understand life happens and sometimes we just need a breather. ♥ i have bipolar depression, and sometimes my depression kicks my ass, but i’ll let you know when that happens.

oh goodness, what else? i write predominantly m/m pairings but i am open to m/f and f/f as well. i do not write high fantasy settings, sorry doll. my interests mostly align with modern day, slice of life kinda stuff, aside from the fandoms i do have. i don’t have many limits besides excessive gore, scat, mpreg, and writing smut for sake of smut. i love my romance just like anyone else does, but it’s got to have plot. our characters have to have chemistry or else i get bored. i haven’t doubled before but i think i’d be down for it with the right plot. usually i prefer that we play one character each, or we play multiple characters within a plot, but not usually more than one plot at the same time. but!!! i am totally willing to try new things!! just be patient with me as i learn m'kay? i have had several threads going at once with one partner which can be super fun. also most of my characters are pretty kinky but like, i prefer that we talk about kinks and limits one on one as opposed to airing out my character’s laundry. also- i wanna be your friend ooc. let’s chat. i find it’s so much easier to have muse and post if i enjoy the virtual company of the people i’m writing with.

ok but what do you write? 

what *don’t* i write? kidding. here’s a bit of fandom for ya. if i’ve got plots listed, they’re the ideas i have, but i’m totally open to yours as well. stars denote how much i’m craving them. i’ll list the canon characters i write after i list the fandom: 

mafia 2: vito scaletta  ***plot for mafia 2 a: we explore the dynamics of a relationship between vito and your oc. your oc could be in a position of great risk- think outside of the mafia, possibly a police officer, prostitute. some position where power dynamics could be played with. if the pairing is m/m we also deal with the themes of internalized homophobia and coming to terms with one’s identity. 

*bioshock 1, 2 & infinite: brigid tenbenbaum, andrew ryan, frank frontaine & eleanor lamb, sofia lamb & booker dewitt 

**marvel cinematic universe: tony stark, steve rogers

***greater marvel universe: logan howlett, carol danvers  ****random plot: we do a crossover and we ship sharon carter/carol danvers. i just. uuugh i have a lot of feelings about them and i have hella muse for these babes. lemme know if you’re down to give this a shot i will love you forever no word of a lie. 

but honestly where my heart lies is within oc rp. here are a few plots i have of mine, stars denote how much i’m craving them:

****(m/m) power & politics: my oc is a prestigious state senator, who lives a double life. he is currently in the closet with no intent on leaving it anytime soon. however, a certain someone falls into his life, making him question what he thought he knew for certain. your oc breaks down the walls my oc has put up and changes him into a softer, better man. however, with an upcoming presidential campaign on the horizon for my oc, the limits of the secret relationship will be pushed and pulled beyond what both parties have ‘signed up for.‘

****(m/m) the guardian: your oc is a newcomer to the nhl but is quickly making waves- think connor mcdavid style. he’s young and impressive, but mostly, impressionable. he starts to get battered around by both his teammates and opposing teams. after a few hard hits and fowl play within the game that have cost your oc bench and recovery time, the team’s coach calls in reinforcements to boost the team’s morale and serve as a protector to your oc. my oc is a player who hasn’t got the talent part but has got a huge heart. not to mention… huge hands. good for makin’ fists. good for fightin’.  my oc protects your oc during the games, coming to your oc’s aid, picking fights for your oc and protecting him on the ice. as such, the two players grow attached to one another.. perhaps too attached for the captain to be comfortable with. possibilities for a love triangle and other complications, for sure

***(m/m) too good to be true: our ocs start out in the whl, both as promising wingers. their good chemistry is vital to bringing back their team’s success. however, one of our ocs starts to get too attached to the other, and when an nhl draft separates them, one of our ocs is all too eager to cut contact and try to forget. the two excel in their nhl careers without one another, and end up on nhl teams with a history of deep rivalry. occasionally, the gloves hit the ice, fueled by the tension of unresolved feelings and the pressure of the respective teams to keep up the rivalry. the two are reunited when they are both chosen to play nationally for the same team, and are forced to reconcile what they have both buried so deeply within them. 

***(m/m) big money: these two ocs play for rival teams in the nhl. while their teams have a history of tension, our two ocs take it to the next level. audiences are more excited to watch these two fight than they are to watch the game itself. there’s a market in the violence between these two, and a reputation to maintain on both ends. if the public found out that these two were secretly seeing one another, their careers would both be over. 

**** (m/m) sugar daddy: my oc is a law student studying in your oc's country in order to get their degree abroad. they're from eastern europe and uh. broke af. they settle into an arrangement with your oc where your oc agrees to ~pay him for his company after they meet while my oc does camming online to make ends meet. we could take it anywhere- your oc could whisk mine off his feet and 'save' him or. be toxic & trashy and make my oc's life hell.

okay and, here are just some general prompts that could be intertwined with the plots above, or could be something we use to springboard into our own rp:

my oc has serious commitment issues. they often go around ‘ghosting’ individuals after 4-5 dates, with little to no explanation of why. your oc falls for mine, and is the first to confront my oc about their shitty habits. 

your oc and my oc were best friends, but they lost touch over a stupid fight they had when they were preteens. they can’t believe that they’re seeing one another in a bar, halfway across the world from where they met. 

your oc and my oc were flames. my oc proposed to yours, but yours turned them down. they never spoke again… until they were sharing a crammed elevator, with my oc being completely intoxicated, and still confessing their feelings for your oc. 

your oc is a huge fan of my oc’s nhl career/political career. your oc wins a contest to meet and have dinner with my oc. while my oc expects a boring night out, my oc is completely surprised by how well they hit it off with your oc. 

my oc, your first oc and your second oc all grew up together. your first oc has always been pining for my oc’s attention, and is thrilled when my oc and your first oc finally get together. they develop a long term relationship, but my oc knows it would devastate your first oc if they told them that they have been seeing your second oc for most of the relationship. 

i recognize that a lot of these focus on the nhl/the lives of professional hockey players- please don’t be worried about hockey knowledge/nhl jargon/whatever else goes through your head! i’m more interested in sport as a realm for drama than i am for following the rulebook and being 100% accurate to life when it comes to hockey. there’s a lot i don’t know and am still needing to learn, myself! if you know a lot, great!! if you don’t, let’s figure things out together! as for general oc ideas, here’s a list:

professor x student

veteran x civillian

cop x criminal 

psychiatrist x patient

** OC superheroes (I have a lot of muse for this one!)

street racing, fast-and-furious-esque setting

rival gangs 

** nhl/hockey based (lol obviously)

small town canadiana or americana 

fun, fluffy romance based modern settings

darker themes such as addiction, abuse, etc - i find it cathartic sometimes to write about violent material buuuut this has to be really fleshed out between us

historical setting- preferably, the second world war/1940s-1960s 

light worldbuilding - new to this but wanting to learn

honestly whatever you can pitch to me that isn’t high fantasy :)

i can expand on and work with any of these ideas, these are just like, topics. whatever i do with you, i promise it’ll be fleshed out, with tons of opportunity for drama. 

hell yeah let’s do this pal 

if any, and i mean any, of this piqued your fancy, pleaaaase shoot me an email at 

↳ ehmmywrites@gmail.com ! 

i will respond! but please send me something thoughtful! i’d like to hear what part of my ad that you’re interested in/why you chose to contact me. i am most wanting to rp over email and talk over google hangouts but i can be open to skype, too.  i sure look forward to hearing from you!   ♥

emmy