#one of my most interacted with post was me talking about the importance of life-disrupting protests

[wen-kexing-apologist]

ngl i am waiting for you to write about physical touch and HANDS in last twilight *insert manifestation circle.gif here*

Not gonna lie, as much as I have been enjoying Last Twilight, I haven't felt all that inspired to write about it, but it has been making me feel all warm and fuzzy now that people are reaching out and asking for my thoughts. Turns out people actually seem to enjoy my horrendously long posts!

Alright, I will talk about physical touch and hands in Last Twilight, but before I get too far in to it, I just want to say, I love the use of physical touch in shows, but I will dare to claim the use of physical touch seems particularly important, and especially complicated in Last Twilight, compared to most of the other shows I've written about. Why?

Because Day is blind, and Mhok is his caretaker, and if you are remotely aware of disability, the autonomy of disabled people, the privacy of disabled people, the survival of disabled people are often disrupted by abled bodied people. I saw a post somewhere, sorry I can't find it, where someone mentioned the rates of abuse of disabled people by their caretakers and how that might weigh in to Day's reaction to touching a shirtless Mhok in Episode 2.

So.

With Day's blindness, grief, and intentional isolation, as well as his family's anxiety, how much control has Day really had over his own life in the last year? As @bengiyo said in Episode 1, "Day's brashness in the interview when he asks Mhok if he's hot sounds like a gay man knowing that he is about to be touched a lot by a stranger" [not a direct quote, apologies].

Episode 1

gif from @dragonsareawesome123

The first physical touch we get between Day and Mhok is when Mhok touches Day's chin, making a comment that essentially boils down to Day having a punchable face. You can see how shocked Day is to feel Mhok's thumb on him. But the motion is quick, light, and slightly flirty (though maybe I'm reading a bit in to that last one since I know this is a BL). While Day seems taken aback, he doesn't seem uncomfortable with the touch at all, moreso, to me at least, he seems surprised that Mhok *isn't* shying away from touching Day after Day so loudly and blatantly declared his queerness and hit on Mhok.

photo from @thescrumptiousstuffs

The second physical touch we get is when Day leaves his car and winds up on the street with traffic whizzing past. Mhok pulls Day off the street when Day gets overwhelmed and Day goes crashing in to Mhok. I don't remember them staying pressed together for too long, but there is a moment where Mhok is embracing Day. Mhok's hands go to Day's hips while Day's hand rests on Mhok's chest near his collarbone. From my view, this is a decently intimate position for relative strangers, but they don't feel uncomfortable in it. Which is a great hint that Mhok and Day are going to become more to each other. Mhok does something here that I do think is important, which is to tell Day who is he, so Day knows he isn't being manhandled by a *complete* stranger. And though I suspect the biggest reason why Day ends up being driven home by Mhok is because Day wants to be away from Night, it cannot be denied that Day already has some modicum of trust in this random, crass man that burst in for an interview just the other day. Because, as we know, Mhok was really the only person who interacted with Day without falling victim to pity, inspiration porn, or infantilization.

The third physical touch I consider important is when Day's mother stops him from standing up. I've been reading @waitmyturtles PhD level thesis on Bad Buddy so filial piety and saving face is pretty present on my mind. I think it is important to acknowledge that Day does have some autonomy, but where he exercises it is very clear. He can leverage his blindness and his bad experiences with past caretakers to get what he wants out of his mother, and he can double, triple, quadruple the caretaker salary without consulting his mother. But when it comes to physical movement, he listens to his mother, but not to Night. Night tells him to stay in the car, and Day almost immediately leaves the car and goes in to the Society. Day gets out in the middle of traffic after a fight with Night, even after Night begs him to stay in the car. But that moment of challenge from Mhok where he tells Day to come get his ID himself, and Day starts to stand, everything stops dead in its tracks at the first light touch of his mother's hand on Day's chest. So, despite the moments of anger and rebellion we see from Day, he still listens to his mother.

gif from @dragonsareawesome123

And then Day moves to get his ID, and here is where I will mention a moment where there was not any touch. Which, probably could be an essay in and of itself, but I don't have the capacity at the moment, on this airplane, to comb through all the scenes and look for it. But here, this one feels important, because Day takes the ID from Mhok, but Mhok does not let go right away. Their fingers are so close, and in a lot of movies, the handing over of an item would usually involve some sort of moment where fingertips brush and a shockwave of electricity ripples through the future couple. But we don't get that here. The moment of connection, the moment that Day really knows he can trust Mhok, the moment Day decides he is going to hire Mhok has nothing to do with touch, and everything to do with sound. He hears Mhok read Chapter 21 of The Little Prince, a book that is desperately important to Day, and that is that. And I do think it is important that these little touches that we've had, and where we break from the romance tradition for touch are important. Because, I think it is totally fine for feelings to grow between Mhok and Day rather quickly, but I do not think it would have been wise to show Mhok having some sort of actual crush on Day from the beginning. If Mhok had some sort of romantic or sexually attractive feelings for Day before he started working there, that would, in my opinion, read as predatory in some sense. Especially looking ahead to Episode 2, when Mhok is shirtless in Day's room.

Because, the thing about physical touch in television is that a lot of different elements go in to selling it as romantic chemistry. One of the most important components is timing and close up. As a side note, I think timing is a huge factor in to why I did not enjoy Perth and Chimon together in Dangerous Romance (before I dropped it) because the camera just never lingered long enough on their faces or on their touches for me to believe they had feelings for each other. But, by Episode 3 of Last Twilight I can see the care and the chemistry between Mhok and Day. I can see the comfortability that Mhok and Day have from almost the very beginning of knowing each other, but I don't take much of their physical interactions to be sexually charged or romantic in Episode 1. Why would they be? These two don't know each other. By generally avoiding zooming in on just Day and Mhok's hands when they touch, by having Mhok grabbing Day's chin with his thumb quickly and lightly you aren't building to tension. Aof is merely demonstrating that physical touch between Day and Mhok is welcomed and Day is not going to be uncomfortable with having Mhok take care of him.

So we head in to Episode 2 with the understanding that there is some fundamental aspect of Mhok that Day is drawn to, and that Mhok and Day are going to get along.

Episode 2

Now, as much as I have loved the rapidly developing relationship between Mhok and Day, I do kind of wish we had had a full episode's worth of two angry, grieving people coming head to head. But, regardless, Aof handles the transition between casual touch and Something More with expert precision. Unsurprising, considering his oeuvre.

gif by @mooninaugust

So we get absolutely my favorite touch moment to date in Episode 2 with the absolutely terrible secret handshake between two blind people. I love how Mhok is witness to this moment of excitement and friendship between Day and Aon, and that we are too. Because it shows us where Mhok currently stands in Day's hierarchy of relationships. Mhok at the beginning of Episode 2 is still an acquaintance, some dude they hired because he cursed the family out and read The Little Prince during his interview process. The cut scene between Mhok saying Day might not want to see him, and Aon and Day hugging and doing their stupid loser handshake (I love them) shows Mhok and the audience that Day does have joy within him, and that Day is starting to build friendship and connection within his new (read: blind) community. We won't know until a little later in the episode how much Day has been cutting himself off from his old life, but for the time being Mhok knows his place in Day's life.

And Aon picks up on the fact that there is *something* even if it is not necessarily romantic there between Mhok and Day, again not by seeing anything physical between them because a) Mhok and Day did not touch in front of Aon and b) Aon would not have been able to see it anyway. But instead calls out the fact that Day has never talked about a single one of his caregivers before. We know now (and definitely should know already) that Mhok is different from other people Day has engaged with since he started going blind. We just haven't had time for their relationship to mature.

photo from @thatgirl4815

If I recall correctly, the first physical touch between Mhok and Day we get in Episode 2 is when Day accidentally touches Mhok's titty while searching for the eye drops. You can see Day recoil in shock a bit and he questions Mhok almost immediately as to why his shirt is off. Mhok is incredibly matter-of-fact in explaining that Day said he didn't like the smell of cigarettes, so he took his shirt off so as not to stink up Day's room (we can ignore the fact that he would still smell like cigs, but we ignore it For The Vine) and Day relaxes and makes some sort of annoyed comment. Again here, there is no romantic attraction in this rather intimate touch. I mean, this is Mhok's what? Second or third day? Mhok and Day barely know each other, Mhok is constantly fucking up the Whole Routine because he isn't communicating with Day about what Day's needs are, and here he is in his employer's room having his pec fondled. This is supposed to read as funny, and ultimately I think it does, but it doesn't read as romantic, and it definitely should not. What has Mhok done up to this point that would cause Day to have Genuine Romantic Feelings for him? Nothing.

photo from @moonchildridden

Again, the first hint that feelings may be approaching comes outside of the touch, with Mhok seeing how excited Day is to use those few precious seconds of better vision to watch his goldfish. And even moreso, it's not just the action that I think start the train rolling, but the conversation that Mhok has with Day where he asks if the goldfish is lonely. Mhok is able to con Day in to leaving his room by leveraging the health and safety of one of the few things Mhok has seen Day care about and connect with in the short time they've known each other. Day gets outside for the first time in god knows how long, to find that the jasmine is in bloom and to have a lovely conversation with Mhok about it. Mhok asks about Day's vision, how he sees, what he can see, and he tries to adapt to Day's necessary distance requirements. Day of course, has his head turned away and thus does not see Mhok coming in to Day's eyesight range, and bumps his nose against the top of Mhok's finger.

This little, accidental movement is one of my favorites of the episode, mostly because it opens up the conversation where Day asks what Mhok is doing and Mhok asks if Day wants to see his face. And this scene establishes exactly what I mean about timing as it relates to building sexual tension. Day ponders for a moment, the camera lingers on his face, the audience begins to feel like Day is caught off-guard, like maybe he does have some sort of crush on Mhok and he does want to see his face. Only for Day to break that tension right before it gets awkwardly long and tell Mhok he does not. This is closer to the shit that friends would pull. And thus we see that in a very quick period of time Mhok is becoming more important in Day's life as a waypoint. He is listening to Mhok, he has a slight bit of banter going with Mhok when they watch a movie, and even after Day fires Mhok (for the physical touches I will talk about next) Mhok's influence on Day's general day to day (haha) existence is clear in the fact that Day is sitting on the couch and trying to pick a movie entirely independently of anyone.

Things are starting to go smoothly, when Day's friends show up asking when he got back from America. Day panics at the unexpected arrival of friends who seem not to know about his condition, spills his popcorn, and falls to the floor, where he is desperately scrambling to get back on his feet and Get The Fuck Out. Mhok tries to help him up, but he's pretty quickly brushed off. This is the first time we see Day reject a touch from Mhok. Knowing what I know now about where we end up in Episode 3, I am realizing how important this entire scene (from Day tripping to Mhok getting fired) is for establishing a comparison point for change. Because the unwanted touch continues when Mhok breaks in to Day's room, also in a panic when Day is bathing.

gif by @btwinlines

We get such a juicy moment of Mhok and Day's trauma clashing with each other in a way that is unintentionally terrible all around. Day does not know about Mhok's backstory, Day does not know that by putting in his headphones and intentionally ignoring Mhok he is accidentally triggering Mhok regarding the death of his sister. Mhok knows that Day is upset, but only hears the room fall quiet, he does not know that Day is in the bathtub (read: naked) when he comes barging in. Again, to reference the post whoever it was made that talked about the rates of abuse/assault of disabled people by caregivers, this is a horrifically vunerable position that Day finds himself in. Mhok is far enough away from Day's range of vision for Day to see him immediately duck behind a wall to give Day privacy while he wraps himself in a towel. And before Day can really process what is happening, with both his emotions and Mhok's running high, Mhok is grabbing at Day's wrists to check them for cuts. A beautiful (and terrible) detail.

Personally, I do not think anyone's reaction to that situation is wrong, but it does give Day a second round of extremely uncomfortable and unwelcome touching from Mhok, when he's already escalated, and trying to process the fact that Mhok just barged in to his room while Day was naked and got a little peek. Here Day demonstrates that he does have autonomy, and that Mhok respects that autonomy with Day firing Mhok after two particularly awful physical interactions, and with Mhok not even saying a word in protest and just accepting his termination and leaving the house.

photo from @thescrumptiousstuffs

Now. Mhok isn't completely going out fighting, and Mhok I think has really started to realize that he cares for Day (even if he doesn't necessarily have feelings at this point) because of how badly he was triggered by Day falling silent. Mhok is a thoughtful person and respects Day's boundaries by sending Porjai to the house instead of going himself. Much to Day's chagrin, because the second the doorbell rings, you can see this hopeful look that maybe Mhok is going to walk through that door. Porjai hands Day the present Mhok bought him, and Mhok does hold the slippers close, but he relies heavily on his hands to feel the slippers to figure out what they are and what they look like. He knows immediately that Mhok has been paying attention and trying to get to know Day immediately because the slippers solve the problem Day has had with hitting his feet on furniture corners, and the slippers look like goldfish, one of the few things Day has seemed to care about since knowing Mhok.

Beyond the fact that I think Day already felt bad about what happened the other day and regrets firing Mhok, this really does demonstrate to Day that people still care about him, want to get to know him, and understand that adaptation is a constant in Day's new reality. But Mhok takes it further, by committing to the motherfucking bit to understand Day better.

Aside: I fucking *love* Aof for how often his stories focus on the overlooked or disenfranchised people, and I think that while it is going to be a feat for Last Twilight to become my favorite Aof piece considering how important Moonlight Chicken is to me, the backstories of Mhok and Day and the way they inform character decisions is perhaps my favorite of all of the shows I've seen of Aof's. I *love* the conversation that Mhok and Aon have where Aon says Day is scared of being looked at and judged by people, and how Mhok is like "why?" because he has spent the last year a visible criminal, trying to get a job, and being constantly rejected for exactly the reason he thinks. Mhok has spent so much time and energy over the last year trying to reintegrate himself in to society, while Day has spent so much time and energy over the last year trying to remove himself from society as completely as he can. Even if I am not sure that he believes it wholly, I do think Mhok understands that he isn't an inherently bad person because he was locked up, but that he is a victim of circumstance, and yet even reformed from his truancy past, Mhok found it impossible to get a job because people stopped caring about him as a person the second they saw his ankle monitor. Thus, Mhok knows exactly what it is like to be written off, to be abandoned, to be forgotten and I think it is for precisely those reasons that Mhok decides to spend the time and effort to understand the world that Day is living in.

The ankle monitor has served as an embarrassment for Mhok in such a way that I truly do not think Mhok is concerned about seeming like a complete and utter fool. And even so, he starts to understand the fear that Day is living with existing as a blind person in public, because Mhok is extremely used to seeing what people think of him without them having to say anything, and now he has no idea.

gif by @btwinlines

Which I think is a good segue in to the next physical touch we get, which is Day feeling Mhok's face in the marketplace after he asks Porjai to take him there. Again, the distance of the camera, the timing of the movement does not come off as romantic, at least to me. But it does come off as comfortable. I think Day is fucking with Mhok a little bit when he touches his face, and we don't actually acknowledge or get any conversation around the way Day has just demonstrated what it feels like to be touched without warning.

And YET AGAIN Aof has their bond strength not through touch, but through conversation. Because they aren't falling for each other yet, they are still learning about one another. And so they have a conversation where Mhok apologies and Mhok explains what he was trying to do and Mhok identifies what it is that makes Day so afraid of being in public. And we end Episode 2 with Mhok being re-hired as Day's caregiver. But wait!

Remember the last touch we get in Episode 1 is not a touch at all, it's Day taking his ID back from Mhok. Well, the last touch we get in Episode 2 is not a touch at all, it's Day throwing his hands to the sky on the back of Mhok's motorcycle and letting the wind hit his face. It's Day sitting on the complete opposite side of a glass tank, and using his moment of improved vision to catch a glimpse of Mhok. They aren't touching, yet we end the episode with the understanding that Day and Mhok have strengthened their relationship and are on the fast road to friendship. Personally, I feel like it is extremely responsible of Aof to not treat touching a blind person or having a blind person touch you as inherently romantic, and to have the more stomach swoopy moments come from actions and observations entirely devoid of touch. But, I'm not blind so I don't know how much something like that might actually matter to blind people who are engaging with this story.

Episode 3

IT IS TIME FOR FEELINGS!

There are so many physical touches in this episode. The first we get is Mhok unwrapping a bandage on Day's foot, with Day looking extremely at peace with the action. The second we get is Mhok kind of poking at Day and then jokingly moving to pick Day up when he refuses to start cleaning his room. Day doesn't seem like a person generally fond of man-handling, but you can tell very easily that Mhok is just fucking with Day because Day fucked with Mhok. We are witnessing friendship! Which persists throughout the entire episode. 

photo by @athousandbyeol

I like too that Mhok using the blindfold to better understand Day is not a one and done situation. Again there are a few friendly touch moments that do not at all read as romantic.Mhok steals Day’s sunglasses and is perfectly at peace with Day feeling up his face to try to see if the sunglasses Mhok is wearing are his; and when Mhok's hand envelopes Day's when they are trying to guess the shirts in Day's closet by feel alone. Day does not tense up, he doesn't suck in a breath, he doesn't really let that touch linger. He shakes it off quickly and is like "that's my hand". And again, as an aside (I hope this does not come across inappropriately but) I kinda like that Mhok is almost gamifying Day's blindness. What I mean by that is that Day and Mhok are engaging in friendly competition to see who can accurately guess the article of clothing. It seems like a great way to bring some joy and levity to helping Day get better at understanding his surroundings without the use of his vision.

I am an absolute sucker for couples in shows that have an established friendship beforehand. I don't mean friends to lovers necessarily, but too often in BLs I have noticed that romantic interests are only ever that and we don't get a lot of moments of stupidity, tomfoolery, and fun. So you better believe I was living my best life in the next physical touch scene when Day and Mhok are fighting with the dinosaur costumes on. And this is where the physical touches start to change, because we start without physical touch and end with it, where we have up until this point been ending every moment of connection and relationship progression ending without touch. 

gif by @raypakorn

For the dinosaur fight, we get the non-romantic, entirely platonic assistive touch of Mhok helping (poorly) to guide Day to the driveway (this fucker was so ready to wrestle he forgot to tell Day to mind the stairs at first lmfao). The actual point of connection starts with Mhok intentionally trying to dive out of the way of Day’s touch. And once again Mhok Day’s blindness to elevate a game between them, by clapping and then diving out of the way to try to avoid Day’s movements. But that avoidance of physical interaction very quickly devolves in to a wrestling embrace, laughing, having fun, and then settling on the ground to chat until Day hears his mother’s car and they run back inside to hide the evidence of childish glee. 

Day’s mother returns to find a very different Day from who she left, he’s out of his room, he’s eating in the dining room, he’s seeming much more confident in his ability to navigate around the house. And of course, she has to go and ruin the moment by pushing too quickly on a nerve about going back to school. Day wants to withdraw from school and he needs to go in person. 

Now. 

We have seen Day taking massive strides in his own healing process in the last few episodes because he is starting to ask for help when he needs it, and Mhok is getting better at caretaking because he is started to ask if Day wants help for certain tasks or if Day is going to do them himself, thus allowing Day to set his limitations. Knowing that Day is going in to school, he asks Mhok to help him fix up his hair, and we get the first of many more crush-level physical touches in the show. 

gif by @jimmysea

I’m not Thai, so forgive me if this is wrong, but I am pretty sure that in Thai culture the head is considered sacred and having people touch your head carries a significance that I do not think Western audiences really understand (speaking as a Western viewer). If this is indeed true, then the scene where Mhok is fixing Day’s hair gets even more intense, even when there is a clear change in Mhok’s view of Day from friendly to starting to see something more. Mhok even makes a comment about how Day is a stunner (or something) when his hair is done, and when Mhok asks Day if he likes it and Day returns the question, there is a pause that is not at all dissimilar to the pause Day had after Mhok asked him if Day wanted to know what Mhok looked like. 

But where the tension from Episode 2 when Mhok asks the question is broken in a way that makes it seem more like Day is just teasing, I don’t think Mhok’s deflection of “it’s alright” really returns the same level of dismissal. Because Mhok is starting to realize something about the way he is feeling for Day. 

We get the inside of the Thai subway for the first time in maybe ever? As Mhok and Day make their way to Day’s college. And thus the not-a-date-kind-of-a-date adventure begins. Day is clinging on to Mhok’s arm as they navigate on to the subway car, at which point Mhok breaks off from Day to try to ask for a seat for Day. But Day grabs him and pulls him back, choosing instead of hold on to Mhok’s arm. Like I have been saying, Aof has been doing a really great job at differentiating the types of touches, and up until this point, the more intimate touches between Mhok and Day, such as when Day feels Mhok’s titty in his bedroom or Mhok’s face at the market, don’t read as romantic, because Day is taking in information to supplement his vision. Similarly, the moments where Day is holding on to Mhok for assistance in environmental navigation, such as when Mhok helps guide Day to his professor’s office or helps him down the stairs the physical touch is matter-of-fact on both ends. 

photo by @athousandbyeol

But here, in the subway, we get the first instance of physical touch from an environmental navigation standpoint that reads more like a man who is developing a crush rather than Day just being guided…

…but that comes from Day, not from Mhok. Which I appreciate massively from the standpoint of ensuring that Mhok as the caretaker does not appear to be taking advantage of Day. In the subway, Day could have sat down, he didn’t need to stay standing, he didn’t need to continue holding on to  Mhok. But he chooses to do that. He chooses to keep his arm linked tightly with Mhok’s, he chooses to get a little flirty with Mhok when he says as long as Mhok stays close to him, that’s all Day needs. And we get the close up of Mhok and Day’s hands when Mhok moves to tap Day’s hand gently, and the shot lingers. Because things are starting to change.

I said in a previous reblog last week when Episode 3 came out that Aof does this really interesting thing in his direction and cinematography when characters share intimate moments, in that he breaks from his standard visual format. The lighting often changes, the camera isn’t held as steady, the moments are zoomed in much closer than we are used to. We get it with Heart and Li Ming playing that spider game with their fingers the night that Li Ming sleeps over and we get it in the subway when Day stumbles slightly and swallows hard, embarrassed and avoiding eye contact while Mhok looks at Day kind of fondly. 

gif by @taeminie

So we see the spark in the subway and then watch that spark begin to catch when they end up in the dressing room together. Day and Mhok both establish that they have never been in a dressing room with another person to cut the tension and nerves a bit. Afterall, this is the first time that we’ve seen where Mhok is getting up close and personal with Day’s partially nude body, when they are both calm, collected, and not amidst a panic attack about a potential medical emergency. No one is feeling violated, no one is feeling scared, no one is having their privacy forcibly removed from them. But that makes them all that more aware of how they are feeling, physically, when they are touching and being touched. 

And we get a secondary Aof Camerawork Moment where the style of shot changes and we get that gorgeous zoom in on Mhok’s hands and Day’s chest when Mhok helps Day back in to his shirt. And isn’t it wonderful that the most sensual and intimate moment that we have seen from Mhok and Day so far is putting Day’s clothes back on? 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

Check out @btwinlines’ post about this scene.

Day and Mhok continue their day, find the Last Twilight book, and are hanging about the market where Mhok leaves Day standing against a pole while he runs to grab a drink. As a result, we get a bombardment of physical touch, the most overwhelming to date because Day is getting just absolutely shunted around, bumping elbows and shoulders with the people at the market with no idea of where he is or where he is going. And this is where we really get an understanding of how terrible physical touch can be when you don’t have any bearing of your surroundings and can’t see where people are coming from or anticipate contact. 

We got a scene in Episode 1 where we see how dangerous being blind has the potential to be, but Day isn’t being touched by anybody at that point until he is pulled off the street by Mhok. But this time while Day does have a moment where he is in more physical danger because he stumbles on to the street, he is relatively much more safe getting lost in the marketplace than when he ran out on to the street in Episode 1, cause the few cars that are present are moving slow and know to be looking out for pedestrians. Day is grabbed and directed by random strangers who are trying to help him and kind of just…drag him along until he is out of the street when he is visibly panicking and then just…left on the side of the road with an offhanded statement from strangers that he is “safe now” and they just…leave him alone and continue on their way. Even there, with a helpful touch, there is no safety or comfortability in Day’s posture, he is not calmed by hearing that he is safe. Which serves as a really great comparison point for how comfortable Day has pretty much always been with Mhok (minus the one moment of severe dysregulation after being surprised by his friends and then by Mhok when Day was buck ass naked). 

Especially when compared to the relief that just rushes through Day’s body when he and Mhok are reunited and they embrace. 

AND LIKE OKAY, CAN I GO ON A BRIEF TANGENT TO TALK ABOUT THE PINK SHIRT? 

gif by @tomystars

You know how in a lot of romances you get that moment where you get the like, love at first sight thing? Time slows down, one half of the romantic pair picks the other half of the romantic pair out of the crowd? WE GET THAT HERE, WITH THE BLIND CHARACTER BEING THE ONE WHO PICKS THE FUTURE LOVE INTEREST OUT OF THE CROWD. 

The pink shirt is brilliant, and I love how it both acts as an anchor point for Day who is able to calm down upon seeing it, and not panic or freak out when being grabbed and embraced by Mhok after having a decently traumatic experience with physical touch just minutes before while also reaffirming that Mhok is learning and internalizing the adaptations he needs to incorporate in to his own life to make Day’s daily life easier and more accessible. Mhok understands how Day’s vision functions, he remembers that Day has said he could see that shirt from Mars it’s so bright, and he provides an in for Day to maintain his autonomy by making it possible for Day to potentially see Mhok before Mhok sees Day. 

ANYWAY

@athousandbyeol

The embrace they share when Day and Mhok are reunited is not charged, is not romantic, at least not to me. But what it does show is how much care Day and Mhok have for each other, how quickly their friendship is developing, and the safe spaces these two will find in the other. Day calms so quickly the second he and Mhok are touching, as soon as he has an anchor. And he won’t let go of Mhok either. 

Aof and co have been playing well with dichotomies, here, a situation that pulls Day and Mhok physically apart ends up bringing them emotionally closer together. It is clear that Day does not blame Mhok for what happened, even if Mhok was gone much longer than anticipated, and that is affirmed by Day defending Mhok to his mother when she questions Mhok’s caretaking skills and holds his criminal record over his head. 

And, let’s not forget, this is just writing about the physical touch, this post does not discuss whether or not the lack of touch is important. I wrote a decent chunk of this in the airport without wifi, so I could only talk about physical touch from memory, I didn't rewatch anything like I normally do, so apologies if I missed stuff.

[idontknowreallywhy]

Best Jupidad Moments #7 Nevermoor Ch 10 - Everyday Highs and Weak-Moment Lows

This chapter contains one of my favourite but underrated Jupidad moments and also the one where I think for the first time he properly gets it wrong and the fandom gasps in dismay…

(NB Altho this chapter also contains some excellent Jove one-liners, I’ll restrict myself to the parenting angle for this post and save the general Jupiter North fangirling for another day ;-) )

Kedgeree had fetched Jupiter and Morrigan from the Smoking Parlour, where they sat in a cloud of forest-green vapour (rosemary smoke: for sharpening the mind), playing a game of cards. Neither was certain of the rules, but Frank whispered advice in Morrigan’s ear, and Dame Chanda did the same for Jupiter, and every now and then someone would yell ‘Huzzah!’ and the others would scowl or throw something, and all things considered Morrigan thought it was a pleasant way to spend an afternoon. They both felt a bit put out when Kedgeree insisted they hurry to the foyer.

Although the dramatic moments are important, so much of the Jupiter-Mog relationship would have been built in the little everyday moments which wouldn’t normally make it into a novel. It’s awesome that Jess shoehorns this section in at this point because, although it doesn’t seem to add much to the ongoing plot, it gives so much more depth to the interactions between these 4 people who live together than such a short paragraph should. I’m so glad it survived the edit and would love to see more of these moments in future.

What’s special about it from a Jupidad angle?

First - they are equal parties here - this isn’t Jove in teaching mode, he’s as clueless about the card game as Morrigan and they are just having some nonsensical fun.

Second - remember that Nevermoor is written entirely from Morrigan’s POV - so how do we know they BOTH felt a bit put out unless he told her? I just love the fact that he’s either said or has otherwise made it clear from his expression or body language that he’s annoyed to be pulled away from that time they were having together. 

Hopefully to most children, the knowledge that their parents enjoy their presence wouldn’t be a surprise but to Morrigan who has been constantly told she is a burden by her parents and grow up accepting the fact that *everyone* avoids being around her… it’s a big deal.

I wonder if that is why this section is here? The biggest threat to her safety both physical (because she might literally be killed if deported) and mental (because her anxiety about it lurks in her mind disrupting her peace for the following 8 months or so) since she arrived in Nevermoor is about to intrude on her day. When a person looks back on life-changing moments like that, I think it’s quite common that they might hyper-focus on the ordinary moments that immediately precede the bombshell.

‘What’s the Stink doing here?’ Jupiter murmured to Kedgeree, who shrugged as he scooted off behind the concierge desk. ‘Who’s the Stink?’ whispered Morrigan. ‘Ooh – ah, I meant the Nevermoor City Police Force,’ Jupiter said under his breath. ‘We, er – probably shouldn’t call it the Stink. Not to his face. Actually, just let me do the talking.’

Another favourite moment because every parent has done this where they say or do something mildly inappropriate and then realise kiddo is paying rapt attention and they remember EVERYTHING… especially what you don’t want them to. That “Ooh - ah” is so familiar it cracks me up every time.

It happens again when Morrigan repeats his joke from a few weeks prior to the officer…

And where exactly are you from, Morrigan Crow?’ 

‘Nunya,’ replied Morrigan.

Jupiter tried to turn his snort of laughter into a cough. ‘She meant to say she’s from the Seventh Pocket of the Free State, Inspector. She just … pronounces it funny.’ 

The other thing to note about Jupiter’s conversation with Flintlock is that he is very polite, cool, “serene” when he is personally threatened with trouble and manages to remain calm and quiet even while pointing out the officer’s appalling lack of compassion. However, the icy voice appears as soon as Morrigan is insulted:

‘But I think you might find this scummy illegal of yours is more trouble than she’s worth.’ Jupiter looked him dead in the eye. ‘Don’t call her that.’

A chill crept up Morrigan’s spine. She recognised the cold wrath in Jupiter’s voice, the ice in his hard blue eyes. Flintlock, however, wasn’t so quick to catch on.

The staff of the Deucalion then intervene (hilariously) so we don’t know how things would have gone, but he takes the opportunity to pause and then come back with a well considered answer.

Jupiter was silent for some time, while Flintlock shot nervous looks in the Magnificat’s direction. When Jupiter finally spoke, it was in a quiet, measured voice. ‘You have no right to demand the papers of someone who falls under the jurisdiction of the Wundrous Society, Flintlock.’

But then he messes up big time, as we all do sometimes when really stressed or knocked off kilter…

Morrigan turned to Jupiter, who looked as tense as she’d ever seen him. ‘Can they really kick me out?’ she asked, a lump forming in her throat. She thought of the Hunt of Smoke and Shadow, of its black shapeless form looming in the darkness. The back of her neck felt prickly and cold. ‘What happens if I have to leave Nevermoor?’ ‘Don’t be silly, Mog,’ Jupiter said bracingly. ‘That’s never going to happen.’

He left the foyer without looking at her.

Argh, argh, argh. First, he calls her very-valid-and-legitimate concern “silly”… and then he leaves without looking at her - that last line is devastating. And it gets its own paragraph just to underline it.

This was a moment where she needed, if not detailed answers, then compassion, understanding, some of that Jupidad eye contact… she needed to know SHE wasn’t the problem and that even if he can’t tell her exactly what it is yet, he has a plan that will mean the threat won’t materialise and that she can trust him.

If this had gone differently, how would it have changed the rest of the book? Would her Fright Trial have been the same, Would she have made the decision she did on Christmas evening? Would Mr Jones have got under her skin and messed with her trust in Jupiter quite as much?

One of the things I find most anxiety-inducing about being a parent is that you can get things right 99% of the time and then say something stupid in a moment of weakness and… ugh what if they remember that more than the rest? What if that damages your relationship forever? What if after all that effort to try to do things right you still mess your kid up anyway? Personally I just apologise a lot and try to make sure that are so many more times she can remember feeling loved and trusted etc that the slip ups get crowded out. Thankfully, kids are usually better at being cool with the fact people make mistakes all the time and they get over it faster than us more introspective angst-ridden adults do.

It’s encouraging that our Jupidad doesn’t get it right all the time. If even fictional super-parents can get it wrong and bounce back, so can I. And it’s obviously way more interesting to read - even brilliant humans are human -and one of the great things about Jessica’s characters is that she shows over and over that they are really human, you feel like you know them, and that’s what makes this series so utterly compelling.

[likeabxrdinflight]

I want to, somewhat out of nowhere, discuss why I think some of the mental health/neurodivergence awareness posts that have taken off, especially on tiktok and instagram, can be...a bit troubling to me. And it's not because it isn't important to talk about mental health or to discuss ways in which developmental disorders impact people- it's not that. and it's definitely not wrong to encourage people who might be struggling to seek out care, community, and if possible/helpful, professional diagnosis.

but what is concerning is that a lot of these posts paint with...very broad brushes.

for example, I am not autistic. I have never been autistic, I am never going to be autistic. and I know this because, frankly, I have access to professional autism screening tools, I have diagnosed autism before, I know how this process works. and in the process of learning how to use these screening tools, I did what basically every psych in training does- I practiced them on my classmates, and they practiced on me. for self-report forms, I filled them out myself to learn how to score them. I know damn well that I do not reach diagnostic criteria for autism, I never have, I never will.

but if I was getting all my information from doctor tiktok? I might think it was more of a possibility. because you go on tiktok and you click on videos like "signs you have undiagnosed autism" and it gives you things like "anxiety at school" "don't like itchy tags" "exhaustion after social interactions", etc. very generic experiences that yes, could be affected by/a sign of autism, but are also things a lot of people without autism also experience.

as well, the thing that people pay lip service to but no one seems to actually understand, is that autism is a spectrum. and if we consider something a spectrum, we have to assume there is a middle ground between "definitely not autistic" and "very obviously autistic". most humans fall in this middle ground. which means most people are going to, at some times, display some autistic traits. I guarantee you if I gave every person on the face of the planet a standardized autism screener, not one person would score a perfect zero. that just does not happen.

I'm seeing the same thing happening now with trauma. everything under the sun is a trauma response now, apparently, with absolutely no lip service being paid to the fact that a lot of things that can be symptoms of and/or related to trauma, are not, by themselves, actual definite indicators of trauma. again, for some reason social anxiety comes up a lot. as if social anxiety disorder isn't a whole diagnosis by itself that is very definitely not always linked to a specific trauma!!!

and on that note it's also very troubling how attachment theory is taking off at an alarming pace, as if it is the end all be all of understanding trauma. holy hell people, I like attachment theory, I use it with patients all the time when it's relevant, but I know damn well it is an imperfect theory developed in the mid-20th century using now outdated methods of considering family life. attachment theory does not consider attachment to fathers/father figures, was deeply heteronormative, both idealizes and demonizes mothers simultaneously, and absolutely fails to consider how attachment systems might get disrupted later in life by peers and other significant figures. it's also a categorical theory which has inherent problems by itself. we are not always a perfect embodiment of one of the four attachment types, and dimensional measures of attachment show this pretty clearly. it's not a perfect theory, and you cannot possibly try to explain every single mental health system under the sun in relation to it. not everything is attachment trauma, s t o p.

anyways, these are just a few examples. but the point is, stop trying to play psychologist on tiktok. there is a reason it takes 5-7 years on average to get a damn PhD. I understand there's benefits to making mental health information accessible, and in general I'm in favor of that, but please. consider some information shouldn't be consumed in short form video content or in three slides on instagram. it is perfectly well and good to talk about your own experiences with a given diagnosis or condition, but the problem starts when you think that makes you an expert on diagnosing everyone else, when you think your experiences can generalize to others, and when you think that gives you permission to "educate" people on theories and ideas that you've not actually studied in any real depth. and it's especially troubling when it's obvious that this stuff is trendy right now, and you're a content creator who wants clicks and views.

[1plus1kiyoomi]

Chapter 9: Plans

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[masterlist]

“Hey, love. I saw this Tiktok...” You sigh heavily as you hear the words come out of Kuroo’s mouth. Every time he shows you a video from that app, he follows it up with a, “let’s do it.”

“What is it this time?” Your eyebrows are furrowed, expressing your disagreement already. You’ve been peacefully relaxing on the bed and your husband really wants to destroy that peace of yours.

“So you rate my exes, and I rate yours. Out of 10,” Kuroo says and you squint your eyes at him in suspicion. There has to be something behind the sudden interest in remaking it.

“Why?” is all you can say at his request.

Kuroo shrugs, a smug look on his face. “Why not?”

He takes out his laptop and opens a social media platform. Placing his laptop on his lap, he pats the space beside him, a sign that he wants you beside him. You sit beside him and he immediately types out a name.

“This was my first girlfriend back in middle school.” He describes and clicks on one of the girl’s posts.

“She’s so pretty. Is that her kid?” You point at the child his ex is holding in picture. Kuroo nods. “So was she nice? I have to rate her through her personality.”

“She was nice. But she left me for a college student,” Kuroo explains.

“Oh, so she’s a victim?” You snicker, and Kuroo chuckles at your statement. “A 6/10. She's pretty and she looks nice. But minus points for dating a college student while she was in middle school.”

He proceeds to search for his next ex. “I know her,” you say as soon as you see the picture. “I was the one who planned her wedding a year ago. I believe she gave birth just a month ago.”

“She did. She was my upperclassman in Nekoma when we dated. I think I was in my last year of middle school and she was graduating high school,” Kuroo elaborates and you laugh. “What?”

“You’re also a victim.” With that, Kuroo starts laughing with you. It takes some time before the two of you stop giggling like kids.

“Since I know her, a 7/10. She was really polite when I was planning her wedding,” you explain while panting, recovering from your fit of laughter.

“This is the last one,” Kuroo says as he searches and you look at him in shock, not believing him.

“You only dated thrice?” You ask him and he nods proudly. “But you did have a lot of flings so still a bad boy,” you tease and Kuroo rolls his eyes. He shows you his screen and you look at the girl in the picture intently.

You glance at him and then his ex, and then him again, then back to the screen. “You’re lying.”

“About what?”

“Are you sure you dated her?” You point at woman at the screen.

“Yes. Ask all of my friends. They’re witnesses.”

“You dated a famous idol...”

“Was an idol,” he corrects you. “She’s quitting the industry because she’s pregnant.”

“I love her group’s songs. I give her a 10/10. But I still can’t believe you managed to pull someone like her. Kenma said that you weren’t famous amongst girls in high school...” you state, remembering his best friend’s words when you had dinner together just a few nights ago.

Kuroo simply shrugs, “I guess she really liked me then.” He lays his gadget on your lap, waiting for you to type in. You become nervous. How are you supposed to tell him that you’ve only dated seriously once in your life? And it’s someone he sees quite often in your workplace.

“I only dated once,” you tell him calmly, trying to conceal your shaky fingers as you type. Pressing enter, your eyes immediately look away. “You know him, right? He’s our cake maker at work.”

“How was he as a boyfriend?” Kuroo simply asks and you nod nonchalantly. “He seems like a nice guy whenever I see him at your office.”

“Really sweet. Baked me goods everyday and even brought me lunch boxes,” you reply rather confidently. “We dated back in high school.”

“9/10.” Kuroo rates with a pout. He knew he was going to get jealous, but he still dug his own grave for his. His plan being:

‘To subtly hint that he wants a baby.’

All of his exes now have children, and he is not competing with them at any means, but maybe you’ll get an idea about his baby fever if he shows you that most people at your age have children.

Now that his Plan A has failed, he’ll have to proceed to his Plan B.

Kuroo patiently waits for you at his car, ready for your first date after a long time. As he sings along with the song on the radio, he scrolls through his Instagram and sees Sakusa’s post about her daughter.

“Must be nice to have a kid,” Kuroo sighs. Seconds later, he realizes what he said and puts his phone down. “No. No. No. I can’t feel this way yet. It’s too early. But we’re already in our mid-20s so a kid won’t be weird. No... Does she even want kids? My kids?”

A knock on the car window disrupts his soliloquy. He turns his head to the glass and sees you waving outside. He quickly unlocks the door, allowing you to enter. “Hi, love. Who were you talking to?”

“I was talking to Kenma,” he reasons before he leans in to capture your lips into a greeting kiss. “How was work?”

“It was tiring. The Kitas sent an invitation by the way,” you answer as you pull away from him. “It’s for the triplets’ first birthday.”

“Should we buy their gifts today?” Kuroo asks you, starting the engine of the car. “I think we’ll find something while roaming around. What about you? You said you had to buy something.”

“Bikinis,” you say nonchalantly and don’t see Kuroo’s eyebrow raise from your response.

“Are you going somewhere?”

“I forgot to tell you. I’m going to Okinawa with my high school friends next week. You know them, right? Makki, Mattsun, Iwa, and Oikawa,” you respond and Kuroo becomes silent, not knowing how to react. He doesn’t care that you’re going with guys, but how did you forget to tell him something important?

The ride is serene. Kuroo’s hand not leaving your thigh the whole time. Your hand is on top of his, your fingers tracing the protruded veins in his arms. Landing on his ring finger, your eyes scanned the body part. You don’t have a wedding band yet. The two of you have never thought of getting a pair.

The two of you arrive at your destination so get out of the car. Kuroo takes your hand immediately, sliding both of your hands into his jacket’s pocket. You smile at the romantic gesture, something you’re yet to get used to.

“Should we buy your stuff first?” Kuroo questions, looking down at you. Nodding, you lead him to a bikini boutique.

As soon as you enter, Kuroo closes his eyes. The store you entered doesn’t only sell bikinis, but lingerie as well. He has to keep his lids shut or his imagination will go everywhere. Noticing how wary he is about the surrounding, you smirk.

You hook a finger on his collar and pull him down. “Choose anything you’d like to see me in.”

After the not so quick shopping trip at the garment store, you have noticed how fidgety Kuroo is. He wouldn’t stop squeezing your hand and giving you cheeks kisses. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Just excited to see you in this,” he reasons, lifting the paper bag with sets of lingerie he has chosen. You hum, your attention going back to the racks of baby clothing in front of you.

While you’re focused on the baby items in front of you, Kuroo is panicking. In his mind, he’s about to explode. You in lingerie + his baby fever= a kink he thought he’ll never have. He’s trying so hard not to think about your mini me’s, but seeing the tiny pieces of garments is making it hard for him.

“My love, the triplets are boys. But knowing the Kitas, they wouldn’t mind dressing up their sons in that dress you’re holding,” you point and Kuroo snaps back to his senses. He looks down and sees that he is holding onto a yellow dress with ribbons and ruffles. He didn’t even know how he got the dress on his hands.

“Oh,” he chuckles awkwardly, putting the dress back on the rack. “I just thought it was cute.” You raise an eyebrow at him in confusion and he forces out a laugh. “It would look cute on Sakusa’s daughter. The two of us are kind of close.”

“Really? I always see him post about her. She would look very cute in that. Should we buy it?” Your confusion about his actions are thrown away by his reason. He sighs in relief as you look away, the dress now in his cart.

‘Our daughter would look cuter,’ Kuroo thinks and he smacks his cheek, causing you to look at him in shock. It was a rather loud and heavy smack. “Mosquito.”

His Plan B is a fail.

You’re eating lunch together the next day at your office as usual. It’s quiet before he flashes his phone screen in front of you, showing you a picture of three familiar small boys. “Look at the triplets.” You continue to eat after taking a look at the picture, trying to be as nonchalant as possible. Kuroo hums happily. “Aren’t they cute?” You only nod to his question.

“Look at Sakusa’s daughter. I met her last time and she’s such a charmer,” Kuroo narrates, letting out a giggle. The interaction replaying in his head. The interaction that caused his sudden baby fever.

It was a busy day at work since the Olympic team had to take their profile and poster pictures. Kuroo was talking to Bokuto when a child suddenly latched onto the spiker’s leg.

“My favorite teammate, you’re here!” Bokuto beamed and picked the child up. As she rested in his forearm, she looked at Kuroo in curiosity. Normally, children would get scared of him, but she wasn’t, which made Kuroo happy.

“Hi. My name’s Kuroo. What’s your name?” Kuroo asked the girl. She smiled at him before answering.

“Kia! Do you have a girlfriend?” Kia asked, taking Kuroo aback. It’s not everyday that a 4 year old would ask you about your relationship status.

“I don’t have a girlfriend, but I do have a wife,” Kuroo replied, which made the little pout.

“Since you only have a wife, I can be your girlfriend,” Kia proclaimed. Kuroo smiled at her statement. The girl suddenly made him think what his daughter would be like if he ever gets to have one.

“I’m sorry but my wife would be upset if I have a girlfriend, so I can’t be your boyfriend,” Kuroo explained to her, hoping she’ll learn something from it. You could subtly teach them about what’s right and wrong at a young age.

“Then, I’ll date your child, father-in-law,” Kia claimed which Kuroo patted her head for.

“I’ll remember your words, future daughter-in-law.”

“What are you smiling for?” You ask Kuroo and he looks up to you, his attention now on you.

‘It’s now or never. This is the perfect chance.’ Kuroo thinks, placing his chin on the palm of his hand. “I was just thinking about how cute our children would be.” You ignore his words and proceed to clean up your lunch box. As result, Kuroo frowns. He mirrors your actions, keeping quiet. Maybe it was wrong to mention it.

Your secretary knocks on your door before announcing that your client is already waiting outside. Kuroo put back the chair back to its proper place before walking over behind the table to give you a quick hug. You can feel his sadness radiating off him and you’re sure it’s from your silence.

His baby fever wasn’t unnoticed. In fact, you knew about it the moment you saw him scrolling through baby videos. He wasn’t very subtle about it, too. From showing his exes, to bringing you to the baby store, to sending you pictures of babies, to mentioning children all the time, you definitely knew about his baby fever.

But you don’t want a baby yet. You had just gotten steady recently, and having a child will wreck that steadiness for sure. You want to keep him to yourself as much as you can, and a child will take your time with each other away. Yet, you don’t know how to tell him that, because he’s determined to have one as soon as possible.

“I’m leaving now. I’ll pick you up later,” Kuroo speaks. He plants a kiss on your forehead before turning away. The way he turned his back at you, the way he frowned a little, it broke your heart. So you grab his hand and pull him back towards you. “Yes, my love?”

“Should we start trying for a child?” You look up to him with shaky eyes, and he saddens at your expression. He wraps his arms around you, your head falling onto his abdomen, while his hand pets the back of your head.

“Love, I’m not asking for a child immediately, so don’t get pressured. Just take my baby fever as a promise that I want to start a family with you and only you,” he reassures you, but you know he’s partly lying about it. Kuroo is a man who doesn’t give up until gets what he wants.

Kuroo’s Plan C has failed. He has no choice but to do his Plan D. (Will be posted soon 😉 if you know, you know.)

——————————————————————————

Facts:

Fevers turn on the body's immune system. They help the body fight infection. Normal fevers between 100° and 104° F (37.8° - 40° C) are good for sick children.

Fevers only need to be treated if they cause discomfort. Most fevers don't cause discomfort until they go above 102° or 103° F (39° or 39.5° C).

Most fevers from infection don't go above 103° or 104° F (39.5°- 40° C). They rarely go to 105° or 106° F (40.6° or 41.1° C). While these are "high" fevers, they also are harmless ones.

Fevers that don't come down to normal can be caused by viruses or bacteria. The response to fever medicines tells us nothing about the cause of the infection.

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Taglist: Still can’t tag smh T^T the app keeps crashing every time i tag more than 5 people 😭

[ashketchup119]

Four Years To Get There

If you or a loved one remember when I used to write regularly for hypzag/zagnos, you may be entitled to a senior citizen discount-

I didn’t want to post all of my hades stuff, but I think this one is really cute. My fanfiction writing and my original story writing are two different styles, because fanfic is my domain to go crazy go wild.

“So, four years stuck with my brother? I don’t envy you.” Thanatos commented airily as he made coffee.

Zagreus, who had woken up ten minutes prior and was staring morosely at the countertop, looked up when Than started speaking, and frowned. “Hypnos isn’t that bad, Than. He’s actually nice to be around. And he hasn’t made ‘morning person’ into a personality trait, unlike other people.” He smiled after saying this, in a teasing manner aimed in the direction of Than’s back.

Than hmph-ed and said nothing more. 

The rest of the morning passed by as usual- Than went to work, Zag went to the gym and to walk Cerberus, Than came back for an early lunch, and the two of them exchanged pleasantries at the junction between their personal schedules- Than half out the door, Zag on his way in. The two of them had been roommates for two years, and had become comfortable with this routine.

Earlier that week, though, Zag had gotten an email saying he’d been chosen to work as a bodyguard for a diplomat headed on a mission to a planet where rumors of attack had been swirling, with instructions on how to get to the port and what to bring. In total, it was meant to last about nine years- four years to get there, a year on the planet, and four years to get back. It was quite the commitment, but he didn’t mind overmuch. It’s not like there was much waiting for him on the planet he lived on currently- just his friends, who assured him they’d text and video call, and his dog, who had already been approved to come with him.

The evening before, Zag had found out the name of the diplomat he was supposed to work for. It was Hypnos! His roommate's twin brother! The two of them weren’t very close, but he was kinda relieved to know there’d be another friendly face on the ship.

After greeting Than on the way in, he began packing, using the sheet he’d been sent. He put music on in the background, and hardly noticed the passing of time, only breaking out of his reverie when Than came to remind him to eat.

A couple days later, he was ready to leave, Cerberus waiting patiently at the door. He gave a quick goodbye to his friends and his father, the former of whom gave promises to contact and the latter of whom just hmm-ed under his breath.

After the ship had taken off, he sat on his bed for a while, taking it all in. He was going somewhere new- how exciting!- but he knew he was going to miss his friends and family.

A knock at the door startled him out of his thoughts.

“Coming!” He said as he went to get the door.

On the other side of the door stood Hypnos, in full regalia. His departure had been much larger and more public, and Zag hoped that his brothers and mother had shown up. Charon he was almost certain of, and made a mental note to check his social media for pictures Hermes had most likely posted about his “almost-little-brother-in-law leaving us behind!! 😭😭.” Nyx and Than, though, were a little colder, and Than had made no move to leave when Zag had gotten on the ship.

“Hi!” Hypnos chirped, trying not to show the exhaustion he felt. It had been nothing but endless briefings for months prior to this, and the next four years were sure to be a nice, long break before doing it again for a whole year.

“Hi!” Zag replied, feeling slightly awkward in his far less formal tank top and shorts.

Cerberus came up between them and nosed at Hypnos’ cloak.

“Hi to you too!” Hypnos bent down and pet Cerberus to the best of his ability, mentally thanking the powers that be that he was a rather tall Doberman and not a small dog. 

Zag knew that Hypnos was his friend and his roommate’s brother, but he still was at a loss of how to act. Hypnos was, for all intents and purposes, his boss now, and he wasn’t sure whether or not he’d be expected to act accordingly.

Hypnos ended all pretenses of formality by stepping into Zag’s room and quickly shedding all jewelry and reminders of his station, leaving him in a long, elegant dress that crumpled beneath him when he flopped on Zag’s bed.

Hypnos yawned widely, and shifted to where he had a view of Zag still awkwardly standing in the doorway to his own room. Cerberus climbed on the bed next to him, and laid his head on Hypnos’ stomach.

It was a scene which made Zag vaguely want to join in and rest, but he was too wired to do so. Instead, he pulled the chair out from the desk facing the bed, and sat down with the back of the chair pressed to his chest.

“You excited?” Zag asked Hypnos, lightly drumming his fingers against the cool plastic.

Hypnos made a noncommittal noise and seemed to settle into the bed more. “You don’t mind if I nap here, do you?”

Zag shook his head, and Hypnos nodded slightly before falling asleep so quickly it startled Zag. He waited a few minutes before beginning to unpack, trying his hardest to remain quiet so as not to disrupt Hypnos. After dropping an exercise weight rather loudly and realizing that Hypnos hadn’t even stirred, he abandoned all attempts at noiselessness and just began placing things, noise be damned. 

He was so wrapped up in it he failed to notice when Hypnos woke up, studied him from behind for a few seconds (it was a nice view! sue him!), then rolled over and went back to sleep.

Zag was in the middle of organizing the desk when his communicator pinged, alerting him that dinner was being served in the cafeteria. 

“What time is it?” Hypnos mumbled from the bed.

Zag tilted the communicator to turn the screen on and told him.

Hypnos sighed and sat up, yawning as he stretched. He sat and blinked for a couple of seconds, then said, “We have to go to a special dinner with the other politicians and stuff. After today we’ll be able to go to the cafeteria, though.”

“When does it start?” Zag asked, trying to remember where he’d put his formal clothes.

Hypnos smiled guiltily and responded, “Five minutes ago?”

Zag’s eyes widened and he sprung into action, grabbing his clothes from the drawer and stumbling slightly as he went into the bathroom to change. Hypnos began to reluctantly put his own uniform on. By the time Zag came out, striking quite the figure in the fitted vestments, Hypnos had managed to pull everything on, and was fiddling with the clasp of the cloak.

“Here, let me get that for you.” Zag offered, and went to stand in front of Hypnos, where he reached up slightly and fastened the cloak.

The two stood in front of each other for a couple of seconds, Hypnos mentally preparing himself for human interaction and Zag trying to recall his training. Then, Hypnos sighed and moved around Zag to get to the door, and Zag fell into position beside him.

A week passed with Zag at Hypnos’ side almost constantly (even in sleep, to an extent, as their rooms were next to each other) before Hypnos once again came to his room for a nap. Then, over time, this became a regular occurrence. Hypnos would nap on Zag’s bed almost every day, and when he wasn’t napping, the two of them talked. Zag told Hypnos about growing up with a father who simultaneously ignored and expected everything from his son; his mother, who he had only met again recently, who used to worked as a diplomat but had retired to a small, idyllic, relatively unknown planet; the important people in his life, like his mentor Achilles and his friends. In return, Hypnos told Zag about growing up in a family that seemed to excel at everything; days spent sleeping because he couldn’t disappoint people in his dreams; going to school to learn how to talk to people and accidentally gaining importance. They talked about loneliness and happiness, highs and lows. 

It brought them closer together, and as weeks turned to months, Hypnos found himself looking forward to talks with Zagreus. He would wake up, giddy for their next interaction, and anticipate what he might say today. Maybe he’d make a comment about Zag’s haircut or a joke about how Cerberus like him better than Zag. Thinking about Zag made him smile involuntarily, and when the two of them talked, Hypnos sometimes felt his cheeks warm at Zag’s laugh and demeanor.

About four months into their voyage, he realized what this meant.

Oh.

Oh no.

It’s not like he hadn’t talked to Zag before- he did live with his brother- but the close quarters made everything… different. It felt like it was just the two of them, an island floating in a ship of 200 people. Maybe that was it- he just wanted to feel close to only other person on board he interacted with regularly. It couldn’t possibly be like, an actual crush, right? Yeah, no. It wasn’t.

That’s what he told himself, at least.

Zag, on the other hand, was oblivious to Hypnos’ internal struggle. He liked hanging out with Hypnos. They’d gone from acquaintances to best friends quickly, and Zag came to treasure their (many) moments together. He liked the teasing and jokes, and came to find his little yawn-stretches after a good nap rather cute. 

He had a crush on Hypnos.

He didn’t try to deny it or push it out of his mind, but he also didn’t really acknowledge it either. Hypnos was funny and adorable and really, really disliked tomatoes but always got an extra helping of pasta or whatever food with tomatoes was being served so he could give it to Zag, who he knew loved tomatoes. Zag couldn’t imagine not having a bit of a crush on Hypnos. He figured most people who met him did, because how could they not? With his unruly curls and dimples he was classic crush material.

So the first year passed. 

The second year began with a party, a celebration of “making it one year without any major incidents” (the ship captain’s words). Hypnos and Zag attended, once again in their stuffy formal wear, but ditched halfway through in favor of grabbing any food they could stuff in their pockets and talking in Zag’s room until long after the partygoers had trickled back into their rooms.

With the second year came new responsibilities. Hypnos’ monthly meetings turned into two, and he began to attend refresher courses on the language he’d be expected to use once the ship landed. Zag found himself standing outside rooms more often than not, and poor Cerberus’ walks went from three times a day to two. Their hang out time was cut in half virtually overnight.

So… why did Hypnos’ crush on Zagreus only worsen? 

They were both interacting with other people, and he had work to do. Why couldn’t he seem to pry Zag from his mind? He had to focus! But all he could focus on was Zag’s smile, playing on repeat in some sadistic part of his brain, and he wondered idly if someone had invented some sort of “cure” for a crush. Zag was his brother’s roommate! Than probably had a crush on him or something, because there’s no other way he’d let anyone live with him. He’d barely tolerated Hypnos when they’d shared a room as children!

(Than did have a small crush on Zagreus, but was finding out quickly that distance did not, in fact, make the heart fonder.)

Hypnos didn’t sleep a lot at night. Normally, sleep wasn’t a problem for him; he’d always been one to fall asleep easily and deeply. Now, though, his thoughts played on an endless loop, and he only really slept when he was in Zag’s room, surrounded by the noises of Zagreus and Cerberus.

Zag found that his crush on Hypnos was quickly blossoming into something much deeper, and didn’t really mind it. He wondered, idly, if there was a chance of Hypnos feeling the same, but didn’t want to jeopardize the mission (they still had eight more years together!) or their friendship. Besides, there was something beautiful in just the feeling of spending time with someone you l- cared for. Cared for, and he figured it was better to enjoy it.

For a short while, anyway.

It was difficult to deny the dreams he had of holding hands with Hypnos and going on dates (among other, less wholesome things), and he began to wonder more and more often if those dreams had a chance of becoming a reality.

Probably not. Hypnos was busy and important; he probably didn’t think about Zag half as much as Zag thought about him.

Three years came and went, with the budding feelings between the two only deepening. It caused some slight frustration, but neither of them was willing to talk about it, and behind their backs, the rest of the ship began to take bets on when they were going to get together. 

It didn’t happen in Year Three, when they were shoved into a closet “on accident” and spent the time talking about the things they had to finish that day.

It didn’t happen in Year Four, when Cerberus got sick and the two of them squished themselves into the same chair with Hypnos’ formal cloak draped on top of them like a blanket. It had been a cute scene, and was trending with #zagnos on social media for an hour before another diplomat had requested it get taken down. 

Finally, the day came for them to land. The whole ship was abuzz with people hurrying to and fro in anxious attempts to make sure they and their belongings were ready to depart. They’d been told to leave the bulk of their belongings on the ship, as it was the same one they’d be returning to and they would still have access to it, but this left people unsure as to whether they should over or underpack. 

Zag had decided that one backpack would probably be enough, seeing as they’d been told that decorations in the rooms they were to be provided were forbidden. He also had a tote bag with Cerberus’ things packed, and was more or less just waiting for the ship to be cleared to unload.

Hypnos, on the other hand, had three pre-packed, unopened suitcases filled with various clothes of the local fashion (enough to make sure they wouldn’t repeat; the higher-ups wanted to make an impression of their wealth); a bag of cosmetics and hair products (no longer would the unruly mess of curls reign); five briefcases with information he’d studied front to back multiple times during the trip; another duffle bag with sleep clothes; and a bag with all of his electronics. 

Zag picked up as much as he could, and the rest was carried by an envoy sent from the local government, leaving Hypnos free to smile and shake hands and generally do the job he’d been sent there to do. 

It was a stark difference from the Hypnos Zag had gotten to know, and it shocked him somewhat to see how quickly he’d changed from Hypnos, Zag’s best friend and the guy he’s in love with, to a charming diplomat with a winning smile that anyone would be hard-pressed to dislike.

Zag must’ve been hard-pressed, then, because he found himself disliking this version of Hypnos. There was something… insincere about it. It was all fake, a show put on to help Hypnos do his job better.

Well, he was only here to help Hypnos do his job, right? It wasn’t for him to like or dislike things. 

There was to be a party for those who had finally touched down on solid ground, and as Zag changed into a less formal outfit for the event, he heard a knock at the door. He opened it, then frowned, realizing that there was no one there. He turned to go back to getting ready, but not even five seconds later, the knock sounded again. Again, he opened the door, only to find no one there. He went outside and walked around a little, but didn’t see anyone. He went back to his room, where the knocking sounded again, and realized that the knocking was coming from somewhere not the front door. 

Five minutes later, he found a shallow dip in the wall, and when he touched it, a smooth voice asked, “Name?”

“Uh, Zagreus?” He answered.

A beep sounded, and the voice once again asked, “Name?”

“Zagreus… Plutonic?” He replied again, questioningly.

A ding sounded, and a portion of the wall swung outward to reveal Hypnos, still in the same outfit he’d been wearing earlier. Hypnos smiled widely at him- that same smile that he wore during their hang out sessions, not the one he wore as a diplomatic mask- but quickly flushed purple.

Zag raised an eyebrow questioningly.

“You’re uh, you-“ Hypnos stammered. “You’re not wearing a shirt, silly!”

Zag looked down and realized Hypnos was right. He smiled as he teased, “And? Do you like what you see?”

Hypnos just giggled, a high-pitched, somewhat frantic noise. 

Zagreus put on a shirt as Hypnos moved into the room, sitting daintily on the edge of the bed because his ornate clothing stopped him from doing anything else. Cerberus came up to him and wagged his tail expectantly, and Hypnos reached out and pet his head, making sure to scratch the area behind his ears that he knew he liked.

Zag watched them fondly. He’d always taken it as a good sign that Hypnos and Cerberus got along so well, and had told his mom such. She’d agreed with him, with that bright look in her eyes that hinted she knew more than she let on. 

When Zag was ready, the two of them left together, Cerberus asleep on the bed. 

At the party itself, the two of them basically stuck to the edges, chatting with other people occasionally. Eventually, an alcoholic drink was thrust into their hands. Zag looked questioningly at Hypnos, who nodded slightly as he put his own drink down. Zag grinned and drank it all down in one gulp, to the cheers of the other partygoers. He began to mingle with the crowd, leaving Hypnos standing awkwardly in the corner. Some other diplomats joined him, and they spent time murmuring about upcoming responsibilities and travel memories.

About an hour later, Hypnos felt a tug on his arm, and looked up to see Zagreus, cheeks flushed, smiling widely as he pulled him to the dancefloor. Hypnos made half-hearted excuses to the other diplomats before turning and anxiously following Zag to the dancefloor, leaving several knowing faces in his wake.

The two of them danced for a while, laughing wildly and holding each other’s hands in turn, high on the music and each other’s company. Eventually, the two of them ended up in a different corner than they’d started off in, smiling widely, faces flushed with exertion. 

It seemed to happen in slow motion. Hypnos was smiling widely and giggling breathlessly, staring down at Zag. Zag was looking up at him brightly, fondness crinkling the corners of his eyes. Zag pushed up, slightly, onto the tips of his toes. Hypnos leaned down, unconsciously. 

Their lips met.

After a second, Hypnos jerked back. Zag was drunk, and Hypnos felt like he was taking advantage of the situation. 

He cleared his throat and turned around, mood suddenly soured. “Let’s go back to the rooms, I think you’ve had too much to drink.”

Zag wrinkled his nose and slurred, “Nuh I haven’t.”

Hypnos grabbed his arm and led him out anyway, exchanging goodbyes with those who came to talk to them. When they got to Zag’s room, he watched him go inside, then went to his own room.

He slept, exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally.

When he woke up, he was still tired, but he got out of bed and forced himself to get ready for the day, even though he felt like sleeping for the next decade at least. 

Zag woke up with a slight headache and a feeling of embarrassment. He really just… HAD to go and kiss Hypnos, huh? And Hypnos had clearly not felt the same and what HAPPENED to “I technically work for him so this is a bad idea”?

He really should’ve just… stayed sober.

“I fucked up, Cerberus.” He told his dog morosely, who just stared back at him.

He sighed, took some medicine, fed his dog, and put on his uniform, feeling slight dread as he exited his room. Hypnos was standing outside, and didn’t look at him as he began to walk to his first appointment of the day. 

It was hard for Hypnos to muster up his usual charm, but nothing went sideways, so he took that as a win. Meals were awkward, what with Zagreus sitting in front of him but neither of them talking. 

It continued like this for a week before one of them decided to break the silence.

Zag knocked on the door separating their rooms late one night, and opened it after hearing a returning knock. He walked into Hypnos’ room, noting the fact that it was messier than he’d ever seen it.

“I,” He began, then paused slightly. “I just wanted to apologize. It was wrong of me, and I can only-”

“Apologize for what?” Hypnos butted in, confused.

“Well… the kiss?” Zagreus responded, just as confused.

“Wait.” Hypnos said, eyes narrowing slightly as he continued, “I’m the one who should apologize to you, I took advantage of the fact tha-”

“Why are you apologizing to me? I’m the one with the-” Zag made a vague hand motion, “feelings.”

Hypnos stared at him. “I thought… I was the one with feelings?”

The two of them stared at each other for a while before breaking into laughter.

“We’re so stupid!” Hypnos exclaimed between fits of laughter, and Zag just laughed as he sat on the bed so as to not fall down. 

After a while, their laughter ceased. 

Hypnos leaned into Zag’s shoulder, and Zag put an arm loosely around Hypnos waist. Then he pulled away slightly, and asked, “Should we try this again?”

Hypnos nodded, purple flush rising in his cheeks, and the two of them kissed.

[archiesoniconline]

QnA: Zone Cop Briefing

Zally: Hello there everyone.  I’m Zally, Head of Communications for the Zone Cops.  Joining me today is our top officer Zonic...

Zonic: Hi there! Zally: And his protege, Zails. Zails: Uh, hello.  That’s a lot of people w-we’re talking too. Zally: The staff at Archie Sonic Online have received a lot of questions about Zones, Zone Travel, Time Travel, and several covering some combinations of these topics.  And so, they have asked us to give this briefing, to hopefully explain some of the basics about Zones and Time Travel, and with luck we’ll answer your questions as we do so. Just before we begin however, it’s important to say that, while what we will say today is the case for… hmm…. At least 9 out of 10 situations, there are several exceptions.  Zonic: Not to mention Nega and that Genesis Wave messing everything up… Zally: Ahem!  Going into all of them would take far too much time, so we’ll just say for now that ‘exceptions to these rules do exist’ and start the briefing. To begin, most Zones fall into two distinct types.  There are the True Zones, such as say the Prime Zone and the Sol Zone, complete universes in themselves.  Then there are the Pocket Zones, which have limited internal dimensions, can often be found within a True Zone, and can also be disrupted by tremendous emissions of energy.  The Special Zone, formally the Zone of Silence, was one such Zone, as was the Pocket Zone destroyed when Super Sonic and Hyper Knuckles from the Prime Zone fought. There are multiple ways that Pocket Zones can be created, natural and artificial.  But for True Zones, they are only created when a Triggering Event occurs in the Prime Zone.  Other Zones cannot split to form new Zones.  It might help to think of the Multiverse almost like a tree, with the Prime Zone as the trunk, and other Zones the branches growing from it. Triggering Events have a few requirements.  There has to be a number of likely possible outcomes.  And the different outcomes must have fundamentally different effects on the future of the Prime Zone.  For example, Prime Sonic choosing how many chilli-dogs to eat might have several different likely outcomes, but none would result in any fundamental change, so it would not be a Triggering Event.  In the opposite way, Prime Robotnik debating whether to use the Robotizer certainly had a massive effect on the events in the Prime Zone, but the chances of him choosing to not use the device were so slim, no new Zone was created. A Triggering Event need not be a single decision made by one person.  It could be several smaller decisions made by a group of people that nevertheless results in a different outcome.  It could even be the results of a natural occurrence.  When life was reforming after the Gene Bomb in the Prime Zone, there were so many different directions it could take, that this is where the vast majority of Zones were created.  Numerous Zones were also created when the Prime Zone first formed, some with wildly different laws of physics. When a new Zone is created, it is completely duplicated.  The entire timeline is copied, not just from the Triggering Event.  Though on that subject, the passage of time can be different between Zones.  Time runs faster in some Zones compared to the Prime Zone, such as the Zone Robo-Robotnik hailed from.  In some, it runs slower, such as in the Twilight Cage.  And in others, it can run at the same rate as the Prime Zone, but the point where the Prime Zone and the other Zone meets are at different points in their timelines. That covers the creation of Zones.  So moving onto Zone Cop operations, I’ll turn to Zonic. Zonic: Thanks Zal… uh, Zally.  As I’m sure most of you are aware, the Zone Cops monitor activity within the different Zones, as well as travel between the different Zones.  Different units of Cops have different roles, from general monitoring, to patrolling the Cosmic Interstate, to protecting against threats to the Multiverse.  For me, my job means I’m called in when direct action is required in another Zone. This is… a difficult job.  You could well ask why don’t we help out whenever something bad happens in the other Zone.  Truth is, that could cause a horrible imbalance, and lead to more disastrous consequences further down the line.  It’s not easy sitting on the sidelines, but sometimes we have to. But then, there are times we do need to act to make sure a greater threat doesn’t rise.  You’re likely aware of some of those times, as that’s when I’ve brought in Prime Sonic.  Why him?  Well, the Prime Zone is only a step away from all the other Zones, even wildly different ones like the Sol Zone.  And Prime Sonic is, in all honesty, one of the most capable Sonic’s in the multiverse, so I know it’s in good hands.  We could send in a squad of Zone Cops instead, but one Sonic can do, with very little disruption, what it would take several squads to accomplish. This has all gotten a lot harder recently, with Eggman Naga swarming over the Multiverse causing massive disruption, and the recent damage inflicted to Zone Jails. Alright, there’s a bit more to cover, but that’s for the end.  Right now, I’m gonna turn to Zails.  He’s still training to be a Zone Cop, but as one of his training projects, he’s done a Case Study on Silver the Hedgehog, so he’s here to talk about time travel.  Take it away Zails. Zails: Uh… Alright *deep breath* You can do this Zails.  Silver the Hedgehog is a time travelling Hedgehog… That’s redundant, isn’t it?  Uh… so… Silver has travelled through time, but there have also been incidents where he’s interacted with different Zones aside from the Prime Zone, known as Light Mobius and Dark Mobius. So, er, Time Travel and Zone Travel do share many similar principles.  Travelling between Zones is easy, as No-Zone and the Cosmic Highway connect all Zones.  Even travel that doesn’t use the Cosmic Interstate, such as Star Posts, tend to make use of that connection.  Time Travel is much harder, though it is easier to travel forwards, going with the flow of time, than backwards, working against it. This means it’s very easy, if you don’t know what you’re doing, to accidently move between Zones when Time Travelling.  Er… *checks notes* Jani-ca from Dark Mobius did this, accidentally travelling to the Prime Zone when she went back in time.  It’s easier to do when you are going back before the Triggering Event that created your Zone. And so, if you know how to Time Travel, it is much easier to travel to other Zones. Which leads us, uh, to the next question.  ‘Does time travel create new Zones?’  The answer is ‘it depends’.  Keep in mind, looking at Silver, given the chance it was unlikely he wouldn’t go back in time.  And when he found out about Mecha-Sally, also unlikely that he wouldn’t stop her.  So his actions changed the future, without creating a new Zone. On the other hand, King Sonic of Light Mobius.  Once, it was the future of the Prime Zone.  But when he went back in time, his actions created such wild changes, that Light Mobius became its own Zone, and the future of the Prime Zone was shifted away from it. Which then leads to a bigger question.  *takes a breath, checks notes*  ‘If you change the future, doesn’t that create a paradox where you wouldn’t have gone back to change the future?’  Okay, when someone goes back in time, they become part of the past, as if they always existed there.  So when they return to the future, they’ll still remember their old life, even if their actions have created massive changes.  We think.  This is partially theoretical, based on observing Silver.  There is one last question: ‘Why are some things from Light Mobius seen in Silver’s future?’  This is because of the way Light Mobius was created.  There is still a connection between Light Mobius and the Prime Zone.  Sometimes, things leak through.  Maybe just objects, but at some point, even Tikchaos, or part of her, was able to slip into the Prime Zone. *looks over notes* Uh… that’s everything from me, so, er, back to Zonic. Zonic: Thanks Zails, you did great. *gives thumbs up*  Our last topic is on Zone Numbering and Naming.  There are countless Zones, and each is given an ‘official numbering’, based on the date and exact time of its creation.  These numbers, as you might expect, are VERY long.  So instead, we usually refer to the ‘Case File’ Numbers.  These numbers, after the first 100, are based on when we start to take an interest in that Zone.  The first 100, well, we were trying to rate the Zone’s by importance.  We really messed that up! *chuckles*  For naming a Zone, that honour is given to the team who first open a Case File on a Zone.  *communicator beeps* Oh, that’s right!  Just one other thing to note.  We've heard rumours of another 'Sonic Prime'.  We don't know any details yet, but we're investigating.

Okay, I think that is everything.  Zally? Zally: Yes, we’ve just about covered everything.  I hope we’ve managed to answer most of your questions.  But before we leave, we’ve had numerous requests for knowing the name and designation of a number of Zones.  So we’ll leave those with you. Thank you so much for listening.  Now, here’s the list:

#001 – The Prime Zone – This is the zone where all others originate from, where Sonic and the heroes of Mobius fight against the tyranny of Dr. Eggman.

#017 – The Stealth Zone – This zone features a planet Mobius where the superhero Stealth the Hedgehog fights villains such as Professor Egg.

#059 - The Serene Zone - This Zone features a Mobius where Julian Kintobor never managed to gain control after the Great War, and the Kingdom of Acorn stood strong.

#100 – The No Zone – Our Zone, from here the Zone Cops organization strives to maintain order across the multiverse.

#109 – The Legal Zone – This zone features a Mobius with a city called Litigopolis where law and order are the way of the world.

#196 – The Freedom Zone – This zone features a planet Freedom which is divided into two realms – the Land of the Sky and the Land of Darkness.

#199 – The Underground Zone – This zone features a planet Mobius where Prince Sonic and his siblings, Manic and Sonia, seek to find their mother, Queen Aleena, and become the Council of Four to overthrow the dictator Dr. Robotnik.

#220 – The Lightning Zone – This zone features a planet Earth where Sonic has traveled and been adopted by a police officer named Tom and stops the plans of the overzealous scientist Dr. Robotnik.

#372 – The Anti Zone – This zone is a mirror reflection of the Prime Zone, where our heroes are bad and their villains are good.

#403 – The Earth X Zone – This zone features a planet Earth with a city called Station Square. It is the home of Chris Thorndyke and his friends and has been protected by Sonic the Hedgehog.

#492 – The Image Zone – This zone features a planet Earth that is protected by heroes such as Spawn, Savage Dragon, and The Maxx.

#496 – The Dark Zone – This zone features a planet Mobius nearly purged of life from a corrupted Knuckles the Echidna who became Enerjak.

#589 – The Discovery Zone – This zone features a planet Mobius resembling a gritty film noir.

#593 – The Boomer Zone – This zone features a planet Mobius where Sonic and the Freedom Fighters; Johnny Lightfoot, Porker Lewis, Tails, and Amy, face various foes including the evil Dr. Robotnik.

#623 – The Real Zone – This zone features a planet Earth where Sonic the Hedgehog is a video game character.

#905 – The Mobius X Zone – This zone features a planet Mobius where Sonic and his friends call home. Sonic and his friends have been transported off this planet into the X Earth Zone.

#1054 – The Kaiju Zone – This zone features a planet Mobius where Dr. J Kintobor uses a super sized mecha, Giant Robotno, to fight enlarged mutants.

#1072 – The Sentai Zone – This zone features a planet Mobius where Sonicman and the Chaos Ninja Team fight the villainous Sallactor.

#1084 – The Cyborg Zone – This zone is home to a planet Mobius that has been left a ruined wasteland thanks to it’s Dr. Robotnik. This is the zone from which Dr. Eggman hails.

#1100 – Maginary Zone – This zone is where the dreams of all other zones are born from. It is entered via the Precioustone and is guarded by the powerful Illumina.

#1103 – The Light Zone – This zone features a planet Mobius very similar to our heroes’ world. King Sonic and Queen Sally rule the Kingdom of Acorn in this zone.

#1105 – The Sol Zone – This zone features a planet Mobius where Blaze the Cat guards the Jewelled Sceptre and the Sol Emeralds.

#1114 – The Boom Zone – This zone features a planet Mobius where Sonic and his friends live on Bygone Island and deal with regular shenanigans from Dr. Eggman.

#1241 – The Archie Zone – This zone features a planet Earth with a town called Riverdale. It is the home of Archie Andrews, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and Josie and the Pussycats amongst others.

#1291 – The Luna Zone – This zone features a Mobius that is protected by the pretty guardian Sally Moon and her crush Tuxedo Knux.

#4235 – The Galaxy Zone – This zone is the home of the Freedom Fighters of the Galaxy, a group that patrols their universe facing cosmic threats such as Robolactus.

[eclecticvalor]

7 Things I experience as a DID System. Mental Health Awareness Month.

In light of May being America’s mental health awareness month, I wanted to talk about something that has consumed my entire life for the past year and a half: Treatment and healing from a disorder that is stigmatised into the ground by poor representation and misunderstandings both socially and in the medical field. Those who are close to me know first hand how my symptoms and experiences have shaped the way I interact with the world since starting treatment, but aside from my closest friends and family, and the people I live with, I don’t normally talk about the fact that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, and what that means to me. 

Hi. My name is Atlas, some people call me Cadyn, and I am the primary host of 26 fragmented parts of my consciousness. I am not dangerous, none of my parts or alters are dangerous, and no, it is not like “Split”. 

Dissociative Identity Disorder is a trauma based dissociative disorder listed in both the DSM IV and V,  and is recognized as an uncommon disorder characterized by two or more distinct personality states existing within the same consciousness. These personality states come to be when natural childhood development is disrupted by severe, continued, or repetitive, trauma, the child has a natural inclination towards heavy dissociation, and a lack of adult or parental support to develop the means to cope with the things happening to them.

Unfortunately popular mental health media has seen an uptake in people viewing DID as a quirky “trait”, the ability to have functional imaginary friends living in your head... but in reality DID is a lot darker, a lot scarier, and isn’t something I’d wish upon my worst enemy. Because of this media spike I wanted to share 7 things that living with Dissociative identity disorder means to me

1. Amnesia

Living with DID means that I miss out on a lot of my life. A primary symptom of DID is amnesia. I have no solid memories before the age of 13, and the memories I do have are often skewed, incorrect, or completely false as my brain fought for a way to fill in gaps and cope with the loss of memory. I forget a lot, and not just things like forgetting where I left my wallet and keys, or forgetting the day - those do happen, but I also mean forgetting big things, important life experiences and things I wish with all my being that I could remember like my highschool graduation and my wedding reception. 

I often forget important day to day things that make it difficult to maintain life as an adult, like doctors appointments, work schedules, meetings, and important daily tasks. I’ll forget that I’ve eaten at all that day and risk going days without eating, or overeating due to having no recollection of the last time I’d eaten. I forget birthdays (especially my own), anniversaries, and important holidays. 

To an outsider, who has no idea what’s happening inside my head, this can come across as though I’m thoughtless or unreliable. That I am cold for forgetting an important date, or simply that I just don’t care when this very much is not the case. 

2. Alienation

Oftentimes DID comes with a sense of alienation from people who you’re supposed to know. For me a really clear example of this is when I previously mentioned my childhood memories being skewed - I have a clear memory of a conversation I was having with some blood relatives a few years back in which I mentioned that one family member I had happy childhood memories of, and remembered playing together as kids, but with another family member they were practically a stranger to me. I had, and still have, no memories of ever spending time with them growing up, no memories of having any kind of relationship with them at all. My understanding of our relationship was that it was “forced” because we were family and our parents expected us to exist in the same space as we grew up, but that we never talked. But I was informed by a separate member of the family that I was very wrong, and this “stranger” was actually someone I had been close to growing up. This is a common experience with DID patients, and also a very frustrating one. It creates feelings of “You know me but I don’t know you”, and it’s extremely difficult to trust your own judgement of the people you know, because you often can’t tell if your judgement is skewed by your memories or lack thereof. 

3. PTSD and Flashbacks

A diagnosis of C-PTSD (Or complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is required for a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder. This means that while the individual symptoms of DID can be frustrating, scary and sometimes depressing, the most difficult aspect of DID, and the most important to focus on in treatment is the PTSD symptoms. 

PTSD symptoms in DID can be extremely powerful due to the additional dissociative aspect. This can mean that for a lot of DID patients, flashbacks can produce full blown body sensations, hallucinations and terrifying delusions. This is One thing that I find incredibly difficult to talk about, but I also believe is extremely important to understand. It can be embarrassing, shameful and while I only speak for myself in saying this, can cause a lot of guilt and grief. There have been times where I have been experiencing powerful flashbacks and did not recognize my own husband, resulting in lash outs and fear towards him being delusioned into thinking that he was out to hurt me, or had harmful intent for just existing in the same space as I was. 

For me, a single wiff of a familiar smell, hearing a sound, a certain color, an idea, a name, a passing thought or comment can throw my previously stable mental state into one of pure panic, hyperventilation, hallucination, delusion, fight-flight-freeze and reactionary responses. Through treatment I’ve developed adaptive and healthy coping skills and management responses but trauma responses can be so quick, and so unexpected that I don’t always have time to process my coping skills before my body and mind respond in negative ways. 

4. Decision making and skewed Behavior

Because living with DID, means living with a shared or fragmented consciousness, this often means that while I may not remember, my life is still being lived during my time of memory loss. Alters or parts will take control and operate my body, reacting to things, interacting with people, completing tasks and functioning. But oftentimes parts who take control are very different from myself, and make choices and decisions that I wouldn’t normally make, and sometimes decisions I wouldn’t *ever* make. An example of this is the fact that technically I am a conservative voter, despite myself as an individual having leftist or NDP views, or decisions to leave or apply for jobs and work positions that I have no interest in, or that I don’t even have the qualifications or physique to do, or leaving ones that I personally loved and excelled at. This also reflects a lot in everyday life in more subtle things, decisions like what food to eat, things to buy, activities to do shift between parts while they’re in control. 

To outsiders this can look a lot like impulsivity, lack of self-control, or lack of a sense of identity. This is a huge reason why a lot of DID patients are often misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder because the behaviour between alters can be so drastically different that it can look a *lot* like manic or depressive states. 

5. Denial and Dismissing Trauma

A very common experience among DID patients is denial and being dismissive or disregarding the things that happened to them. I often find myself in a state of questioning whether my symptoms, my disorder, and even my trauma were ever real to begin with. In therapy I find myself saying “It’s not that big of a deal” or “It wasn’t that big of a deal” more times than I’m actually saying anything productive. A huge part of this is why I wanted to make this list, because the media, and a lot of medical circles deny that DID exists or believe it’s impossibly rare and those, while both false, can cause intense feelings of “Maybe I’m just doing this for attention”. DID is a very real, very difficult disorder to diagnose, to treat, and to live with disorder, and while it is uncommon, statistics show that approximately 1-2% of western population is diagnosed, and up to a suspected 7% are living with the disorder undiagnosed because of these misconceptions. It is not common, and it’s not something that everyone is going to have, but it is a very possible response to very real trauma and is a valid diagnosis to give to those meeting the criteria. 

6. Hidden Symptoms

DID is often referred to as a “covert” presenting disorder. What this means is that most commonly outsiders, friends, family, employers and even the patient themselves can have a nearly impossible time recognizing the symptoms, and it often goes unnoticed until an event destabilizes the function of the person’s life. This can lead to a lot of backlash or denial coming from peers and family close to the person. This leads to the patient hearing a lot of:  “I’ve never noticed personality changes”, “You don’t act like you have it”, “You couldn’t possibly have that”, “No, I would have noticed”, “You have to be mistaken”, “There’s no way, it would have been obvious”. And so, so much more. The reality of DID is that it’s *not* noticeable. It’s a safety response that the brain created to protect the psyche from the intense damages that come with long term trauma experiences, so it’s often designed to hide itself from abusers or perceived threats as a way to compartmentalize trauma memories and maintain the ability to survive through stress and unstable situations. Not being able to “notice” is kind of the point in most cases.

 7. Wandering and Dissociative Episodes

Living with untreated or unmanaged DID can potentially be dangerous due to episodes of dissociation, “wandering” experiences (where the patient will wander away from home, family, or life in a confusion, attempt to return to a perceived life never lived, or in a state of belief that their current life is unsafe). For me this took a head last year, and was actually an event that led to the solidification that this disorder was the explanation to my experiences. According to nurses and my husband, I had wandered into the emergency room of a hospital in the middle of the night, with no idea who or where I was, with no idea how to return home, or even where home was. I was wearing a t-shirt, and it had been raining, and my body was so cold they needed to retake my vitals nearly 6 times because they were unable to get an appropriate reading. After discovering my identity, my husband was called to take me home. Working with a therapist helped to develop a safety plan during events like this to prevent harm from coming to my body, or from ending up in newly traumatic environments, but I was lucky. These situations can lead to re-traumatization, victimization, it can lead to kidnapping, assault, it can lead to being injured or harmed by environmental factors and so much more and it is so incredibly important that DID patients work with their therapist to develop solid safety plans proactively to make sure that the patient doesn’t experience any worst case scenarios during episodes like this. 

Conclusion

My experiences are individual to me, and to my psyche. Not everyone will experience the disorder the same way, because not everyone experiences or responds to trauma the same way. I am so lucky, and extremely privileged to be able to access consistent care and treatment, that I found a professional who trusts me, and is focused on stabilizing and supporting. Too many people living with this disorder have no access to supportive mental health care because of the misconceptions that parts of the medical field hold regarding the legitimacy or frequency that the disorder develops, and too many peers and circles of people outcast or disregard the very real, very difficult experiences because they don’t understand the disorder, or believe it doesn’t exist, or believe it looks like split. If you, or someone you know is struggling with Dissociative symptoms, or dissociative identity disorder do not be afraid to reach out to a professional for support, and educate yourself on the reality of the disorder. 

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

i’m an idiot. i screw everything up.

Titans 3.03

still here, still doing this. these reviews take a fair bit of time that i cobble together across days (like, ten minute chunks during breaks, etc) and i tend to struggle to keep up with episodes as they come out. this means that by the time i’m done with one, most of my stuff is jossed (or geoffed in this case? idk) or outdated and the post sinks like a stone into oblivion. so! i’m going to change things up a bit with this one and write as i see the episode rather than collecting my thoughts later. in my experience with spn, that was a faster way to get them done. 

anyway. let’s see how it goes! *shadowboxes*

SPOILERS ahead.

1. an auspicious start with some grave-digging!

digging up a grave and breaking open a coffin is some serious, back-breaking work--that dick did it on his own, likely straight after that fight with red hood, is a testament to the sheer intensity, stamina and discipline that he’s capable of. like, we like to joke about dick cooking cauliflower crust pizzas and making gar and rachel spar and memorise sun tzu--and despair at the obvious consequences of some of bruce’s parenting skills--but imagine crime-fighting almost daily without any superpowers, performing some of the most intense parkour in bulky, uncomfortable armour, doing detective work, pushing through every last barrier of exhaustion and then getting up to repeat it all over again the next day. dick probably thought he was going extra-easy on rachel and gar.

1.5. then again, dick probably had a hundred different easier ways to confirm whether jason was still buried or not, from using equipment to merely asking connor to have a quick look with his x-ray vision. but, no, he’s too caught up in confusion and terror, not really having come to terms with jason’s death in the first place, leave alone the possibility that he could be alive after all. he can’t possibly let the others know until he’s confirmed it himself, even if it means digging all through the night until his arms are jelly, thinking over and over again about jason’s eyes, jason’s voice, from behind that red mask. 

... besides, dick has good reason to believe that he could’ve been hallucinating. wouldn’t be his first psychotic episode, after all.

that just imbues this sweaty, desperate, fingers-scrabbling-in-gravedirt scene with that much more poignancy, and a fair bit of bone-chilling terror. dick is horrified to realise that jason’s grave is empty, but a part of him is also probably relieved.

1.75 (... also it’s curious that we’re never shown any of the team asking to see jason’s grave after they come to wayne manor. i guess it’s because the writers--and the audience--know that jason is actually alive, but these people don’t know that. i don’t know if it’s sad or infuriating or both that they’re barely shown mourning him.)

2. oh GOD the sheer TENSION in kory saying, “i don’t want to say it, but--” and dick quickly interrupting, “it was jason. i saw him,” and hank giving him this loaded sidelong glance. i love how dick’s precarious mental health from last season is still this big elephant in the room but at least nobody’s blowing up in his face and questioning his every decision yet

2.25. i love the relative matter-of-factness with which they’re discussing a possible resurrection. and, of course, ra’s al ghul is brought up and quickly dismissed

(still wouldn’t put it past this show to bring him up at the very last second as the real real mastermind)

2.5. “maybe they can bring donna back” OH KORY

2.75. didn’t they have this same conversation about killing/not killing rose last season? man, the og titans make me tired.

and i don’t know if it’s just hank, but there’s a definite in-group/out-group vibe going on with the og titans, where they’re not only ready to consider killing anybody who threatens the group but makes it difficult for new people to fit in. donna and kory got along well with each other, but the dynamics between hank/donna/dawn and gar/rachel/rose were somewhat strained, and with jason, they were really fucking terrible. it makes sense when you think about how the titans started and how they broke up the first time--both were fairly disruptive events, i’d imagine, in that they probably got together to break away from their mentors and strike out on their own, and when they split up, it was the first time they felt directly responsible for the loss of an innocent life.

but the titans that dick is leading now is explicitly about mentoring a young generation of heroes, about second chances and found family. dick definitely wants to reach out to him first, and i have a feeling he’s going to be forced to make some sort of terrible Choice later on in this episode. 

2.8. (honestly tho, this also seems like hank struggling with his own guilt re: jason; if red hood is not the kid that he failed, it’d be easier to fight him.)

3.

HANK NO

4. honestly this season is already ticking off so many things on my wishlist, but i really wish dick would sit down with the newer members of his team and trust them with important information the same time that he’s telling them to the other members. gar searching for help and reassurance from a man who just dumped all of his responsibilities on his son overnight and went AWOL is a sad sight

4.25. has it only been just 48 hours????? wow! jason’s definitely been planning the red hood gig for a long time now...

5. ezekiel, my man! shady looking guy gets into your cab without a destination in mind... no problem, get right in! said guy gets a call to go to the observatory when he’s barely even looked out of the window so far at gotham... yep, a damn tourist! i want more ezekiel in this show.

5.25. (of course jason has upturned table lamps all along the floor... we have to *gritted teeth* balance the TEAL with the ORANGE don’t we?)

5.5. “dick’s a fucking psycho--he could be following you right now.” hank... has no objection to that lol

5.25. hank, hank... this is bad-decision-palooza. i can’t imagine that hank actually thought that jason was reaching out to him for help, given that the last time hank and jason had any substantial interaction hank had been one of the people accusing jason of sabotaging the team. but for him to go seek out jason and go along with his demands without any backup, weapons or equipment? not the best idea he’s ever come up with.

(add to that getting into the swimming pool of a condemned gym... oh yuck.)

((yes, i have enough self-restraint to not cap his ass.))

(((cap his ass! HA!)))

5.5. do you think jason has bugs/monitoring equipment planted in wayne manor to monitor the titans, or remote access to the cave’s systems? wouldn’t put it past him.

6. oh man, hank came back before dick and the others could meet ezekiel! this is TRAGIC

6.25. i mean, it’s plot-convenient that connor was able to give so much information about the bomb from just looking at it once, but i also like to think it’s the luthor-side of him coming to the fore. it also reminds me of that (in)famous scene from the new52 run of Nightwing comics, where a bomb was attached to nightwing’s heart and luthor disabled it by killing nightwing (temporarily). it’s a neat little callback. 

6.55. “where i come from, you go after family? there’s no mercy.” BUT THAT’S THE PROBLEM ISN’T IT

6.75. i mean, dick’s making sense: this is a game, and they need to get it off playing out on jason’s terms. but having a member of his team in his face, doubting his reasoning and every decision? a very familiar sight. 

6.8. krypto with an a+ sense of humour? also a very familiar sight.

7. wayne enterprises... providing the military with... bombs that can be implanted in humans? a BIIIIG yikes. i guess it’s not too many steps above developing clandestine intra-dermal trackers and implanting them in your own sons, and bruce probably thought they could be used as part of negotiation tactics, but still... YIKES.

7.5. on the other hand, conner being asked to build a deactivation advice seems part of a growth arc that started from last season... he knows so much, but part of growing is learning, and part of learning is using what you know to create something new.

8. oh man, my heart broke at hank going “i’m an idiot... i screw everything up.” like. for him to go like this, after being brought down to such a low last season? struggling with pain and addiction and his relationship with the love of his life? it’s so sad.

9. oh, oh, oh! ronnie from schitt’s creek! i love her!

9.5. “one of jason’s minions” took his body out of the morgue... how deliciously morbid that he planned out his own death like this!

10. TALK TO HANK, DICK

honestly, tho, i’m quite impressed with dick here. trying to think beyond just the most alarming part of the crisis at hand, keeping his cool, delegating tasks, frequently touching base with different members of his team... well done. 

10.25.... whoops, spoke too soon. i’m genuinely confused here, tho. where did the van full of gold bars come from? why did they stop there and get out? how did dawn even know about this?

on the other hand, it’s cool to know dove has bulletproof feathers!

10.5. eh... curran walters isn’t really selling red hood’s menace to me so far. but then again, if titans version of red hood is vulnerable-kid-with-father-issues-trying-to-overcompensate, then yeah! yeah, it makes sense. 

11. “when bats have sex, they gotta have something to hang from” OH GOD HANK

... because i want smiley!gar on my blog :)

11.5. awww. i feel sorry for hank but NONE of these fuckers deserve gar except maybe kory

12. ohhh FUCK! look at jason being exactly one step ahead of the titans at every turn. nice.

no really, i love the building stakes and the building mystery - i feel like the deathstroke arc from last season should’ve been more like this. the flashbacks about jericho and rose came too late and after too much build up, which resulted in a very underwhelming and confusing season throughline.

13. HANK AND DIIIIIICCCKKK

“you’re doing your best by me. always have.” WAILING HERE

it also kills me to think that hank thinks that his imminent death is because of his failure to keep the team together (when he was clearly struggling with his own issues and was spiralling towards rock-bottom) and his fear that he will once again be the cause of the team falling apart. 

also:

14. “i grew up... you can, too. you just have to face your fear.”

yep, got scarecrow’s grubby little fingerprints aaaaalllll over this. 

14.25. nightwing’s got specialised batarangs! yay! (somehow i can’t see this universe’s dick calling them “wingdings”)

15. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

oh man, that was devastating. well done, show. fuck, well done, jason.

this is going to bring up all sorts of “if onlys” for the team. i can’t wait for some fucking aftermath. 

[missmentelle]

COVID-19, Inequality, and You

This pandemic has been a bad time in a lot of ways, but one of the most devastating impacts we’re going to see besides the death toll is the economic impact - the economic impact on real, working people, not on stock index numbers. Unemployment rates are skyrocketing, and people are being thrown into financial chaos as a result. 

But for all the talk we’ve heard during this pandemic of “we’re all in this together”, and “we’re all in the same boat”, it’s important to remember that, financially, we’re really, really not. Job losses, evictions and health crises are not equally distributed; if anything, this pandemic has been a stark reminder of inequality as the wealth gap grows wider and wider. 

My own life has been a weird cross-section of the ways that the pandemic has economically affected different people in very different ways - my mother has completely lost her job at a seasonal tourist restaurant that will likely go out of business, my brother’s hours at his campus security job have been cut as the school moves online, my boyfriend is seeing his savings rise as he goes out less but makes exactly the same salary at his financial tech job, and I’ve fielded multiple job offers through this pandemic as government grants for social services boom in my region in anticipation of a coming homelessness crisis.  

The news has been reporting on unemployment numbers and shuttered businesses, but there hasn’t been a lot of in-depth coverage about the ways that this is really going to affect people’s lives. There will be a lot of unexpected consequences to this pandemic if governments don’t step in to provide relief, including:

‘Eviction freezes’ are throwing tenants into debt without protecting their housing. Many places have put moratoriums on evictions during the pandemic, which is great. You don’t want a sudden surge in mass homelessness during a pandemic. But “no evictions” does not mean “no rent” - people who are currently being protected from eviction are still being charged rent, and their arrears are growing every month. As soon as eviction protections expire - which is set to happen very soon in many places - landlords can move forward with evicting tenants, going after their back rent, sending their debt to collection agencies and destroying their credit scores. 

A lot of people are about to lose most of their possessions. If you get evicted, your parents or friend might have room for you to move in with them for a while. They probably do not have room for your couch, dresser, bed, table, desk, bookshelves, TV and an entire apartment full of stuff. Putting your things in storage is an option, but you need to be able to pack and transport all of your things to the storage unit and pay for the unit every month. You could try selling the stuff you can’t take with you, but it may be difficult with so many other people also struggling financially, and you may have to leave on short notice. A lot of people who get evicted will end up abandoning a lot of their stuff, which they’ll have to re-purchase all over again to get back on their feet. 

People with low wages are disproportionately likely to lose their jobs. If you work as a software engineer, you’re probably still employed. If you work as a hotel maid, there’s a good chance you’ve lost your job or had your hours cut to nearly nothing. The jobs that are most impacted by shutdowns are jobs in the service and hospitality industry, and they tend to be low-wage, hourly jobs that cannot be done from home - bartenders, servers, hotel clerks, and dishwashers are way more likely to have lost their jobs than lawyers, accountants, engineers and college professors. In many ways, the people who are getting kicked the hardest right now are the ones who could least afford it. 

Not every university will survive this pandemic. With a lot of universities and colleges scrambling to figure out whether to have in-person fall semesters, the future of a lot of post-secondary institutions looks bleak. Many students are choosing to take a year off or defer their admission rather than deal with online courses that have been haphazardly thrown together. On top of that, it’s not clear if international students will be able to attend university abroad this year, or if they even want to take the risk. This adds up to a whole lot of lost tuition money, leaving some universities with no way to keep operating - at least one American university has already permanently closed its doors because of the pandemic. The big players - Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Columbia - will probably pull through, but smaller colleges are at serious risk of going under, leaving their students in limbo and at risk of not finishing their disrupted degrees. 

A lot of people are about to go from “poor” to “disabled”. The people most likely to contract coronavirus are the workers who have to interact with the public every day - not only nurses and doctors, but grocery store workers, delivery people, ride-sharing and taxi drivers, transit workers and janitorial staff. Those who survive are at risk of life-long complications of coronavirus, including permanently reduced lung capacity - that’s not great when you need to work a physically demanding job. A lot of people are about to find themselves in a situation where they are no longer able to do their jobs due to a virus that they contracted because of their jobs. 

Many women’s careers may never recover from this. Daycares and schools are closed, and women are bearing the brunt of it. In a world where women still tend to earn less than male partners, it’s women’s careers that have taken a backseat when things get rough. Even when both partners are working from home, women are the ones overwhelmingly taking on most of the domestic and child-rearing chores, which hurts their work performance and leaves them more vulnerable to layoffs. And that’s a relatively privileged position to be in - without childcare services available, many working moms and single moms have had to quit their jobs, whether they could afford it or not, because they have no other options for their children. This kind of career disruption is something that these women may never totally recover from, especially as they try to re-enter an increasingly hostile job market. 

Black and brown people are the most affected by rising unemployment. People of colour - especially immigrants and women of colour - are facing higher rates of unemployment than other groups. Hispanic and Latina women are in particularly dire circumstances, which is alarming, as they are also the most likely to be dealing with an uncertain immigration status. People of colour - particularly women - are disproportionately likely to work in industries that have been impacted by the pandemic, like the hospitality, food service, retail, child care, beauty and personal care industries, and they face systemic racism that makes it difficult for them to advocate for safe working conditions or access adequate medical care. 

College and tourist towns are at risk of complete economic meltdown. A lot of towns or small cities depend on their local university or annual tourism to survive. A huge crowd of strangers flocks to their town for a few months per year and gives local businesses the money they need to pay for necessities year-round. My hometown is one of these places - most businesses are only open from May - September, and they make enough money during that time for everyone to scrape by for the rest of the year. Those tourists aren’t coming this year, which is something that locals have only learned as they begin to run out of last year’s money. You don’t need to work for a university or a hotel to be impacted by school and tourism shutdowns - the ripple effects will be felt by entire communities. 

Escaping domestic violence will be difficult even after lockdown ends. It’s not exactly a secret that domestic violence has skyrocketed since the global pandemic began, a fact that many experts attribute to the fact that everyone is trapped indoors together and under a lot of stress. But even as lockdown regulations start to lift in areas that handled the pandemic responsibly, victims of domestic violence will face higher-than-usual barriers to escape - many victims may have lost their jobs and burned through their savings, and may have difficulty finding a new job that can finance their escape. Victims with health issues may also be wary about going to shelters for fear they will be further exposed to the virus. 

Poor children will fall even further behind their upper-middle-class peers. I come from a part of rural eastern Canada where reliable internet access is simply not available. So for young children in the region, school effectively ended in March - they do not have the resources needed to connect to online learning. And children from rural areas aren’t the only ones missing out - more than half of all students in the United States aren’t accessing their online classes regularly, and marginalized kids are especially likely to be absent. Poor kids are staring down the barrel of an enormous education gap; they are less likely to have a stable internet connection and a device for their online learning, they are less likely to have books at home, and their parents are more likely to be essential workers who still have to go to work right now and don’t have time to teach them. Middle-class and wealthy families can afford laptops, educational software, tutors, books and time at home to educate their children - when schools are eventually back in session, the gaps between children from different socioeconomic backgrounds will probably be the widest they’ve ever been. 

Don’t get me wrong - I am not arguing that we should end lockdowns prematurely to ease the economic impact. Public health measures exist for good reason, and I don’t think any of us want to even imagine, much less live through, the personal, physical and economic devastation of letting a pandemic rage out of control and melt down our healthcare systems. Despite what many people seem to believe, managing a global pandemic is not about “health vs. economy” - letting the virus rage out of control and kill millions would devastate every economic and social system we have. The preservation of human life has to come first.

What we need instead is comprehensive action to recognize and address the issues that come with long-term quarantines and economic shutdown - we need rent relief, social safety nets and basic assured income programs to get our most vulnerable friends and neighbors through this pandemic. The world will probably never return to the “normal” that we knew before the pandemic struck, and it shouldn’t - it’s time for a new, better normal that doesn’t leave our most marginalized people behind. 

[magos-dominus]

FFVII: REMAKE Exists to Mock Your Pain

This is a post about Aerith Gainsborough.

If you are wondering, this is not a post about shipping.  It is also very long. 

I do talk about the love triangle from a narrative construction and game design standpoint, though. If that interests you, go ahead. If not, scroll on.

+++ Open Spoilers for FFVII (1997) and FFVII: REMAKE +++

So, my reading of FFVII’s infamous Love Triangle has always been that, in the text, there, uh…

Isn't one.

Not really.

The structure of the entire narrative and the trajectory of Cloud's and Tifa's character arcs are built around the two of them baring their vulnerabilities at each other in a rare moment of acceptance, connection, and understanding. You might argue that we never see them physically intimate, here them say those three little words, or even engage in a few PDAs, that the nature of their relationship isn’t clear.

But to be honest?

Who cares that we don’t?

Something we can learn from Good Omens is that, if two characters have to kiss or fuck or say ‘I love you’ to convince you that they’re head over heels for each other, the story is either poorly written or you don’t really understand the meaning of the word.

I have a higher opinion of this game than that, and I want to have a high opinion of you, gentle reader.

The Lifestream Sequence is the emotional climax of the game’s narrative. The rest is simply clean up and denouement. However, that fact does beg the question: "What then, is the narrative purpose of Aerith's attraction to Cloud?"

To start, it's not a connection to Zack Fair, given that in the OG he's more plot device than person. So, what is it then?

I'd argue, that through a combination of incident and design, the Triangle exists at the crux of two competing narrative threads, held in tension by the fact that, as an audience, we share our perspective with the POV character, Cloud in this instance, and the plot works through him to us, most of the time. These two narrative threads are:

Establishing and foreshadowing Cloud's romantic feelings for Tifa as present and important to him and his character.

Getting the audience, not Cloud, to fall in love with Aerith Gainsborough.

If you’ll allow me to put my Doylist hat on for a moment, I have some trivia for you.

As an interesting hiccup of human psychology, the wad of soggy bacon that is your brain is incapable of distinguishing, on an emotional level, between real people and fictional ones. This is why you can start to feel like, after watching the same streamer or listening to the same podcast for long enough, you might start to feel like the hosts are your friends, even if you logically know that isn't true. It is the fundamental psychological reason fiction can resonate with us, despite us knowing it’s, fundamentally, an entertaining lie. Video games, as an interactive medium, can dig into this phenomenon like no other form of storytelling. With Aerith, you might have spent 20 to 30 hours with her by the time you get to the Forgotten Capital. You’ve laughed and fought and maybe cried with her across two continents and a trio of plot arcs. She’s a person the audience has, via Cloud, shared a whirlwind, globe-spanning adventure.

The reason that its her death, out of all the other fictional deaths we’ve experienced, out of all the deaths within FFVII itself, that hurts the most, is because that, by the time she leaves the Temple of the Ancients on her own, she doesn’t just feel like Cloud’s friend.

Its over just when she feels like she’s become yours.

Not content to simply to explore the grieving process of its own characters, FFVII reaches out to take something from you, and have you grieve with them.

A recurring and oft-pointed-out design decision is the empty space left by Aerith after she dies. Holes in group formations, gaps in menus, etc. Places where she used to be. A reminder of the loss, or more optimistically, a commentary on how she’s still with the party in spirit.

I would argue that it might just as easily be you in that space. AVALANCHE is a rag-tag group of misfits bound together by their grief, and when you leave the Forgotten Capital, you’ve been blooded. You’re trauma-bonded to the group now, and you’re all there, shoulder-to-shoulder to do right by your fallen friend.

It’s a gimmick that appears on the ludic level as well. Cloud’s various panic attacks, out-of-body experiences, and struggles for control are experienced by the audience through the mechanics. Sephiroth manipulates Cloud by disrupting, blocking, and limiting your connection to him. he isn’t just denying Cloud agency, he’s reaching out through the fourth wall to deny you your own.

To personally victimize you.

Once you leave the Forgotten Capital, the dialogue choices vanish. You are no longer Cloud’s co-pilot. The trauma and grief has severed that connection you had with him. You can’t do anything to help or guide him anymore. He’s on his own and you, along with Tifa, have to watch him slip out of your grasp and into the hands of an enemy all three of you are powerless to fight.

Final Fantasy VII isn’t a video game.

Final Fantasy VII is an elaborate mouse trap masquerading as a late-90′s JRPG, and Aerith Gainsborough, part-time human, full-time hello kitty monster truck, is an insidiously crafted piece of fine Swiss Gouda. It is designed, from script to visuals to music, to fill your heart to bursting and then run it over with a sixteen-wheeler; then leave you reeling for long enough that you don’t hear the tell-tale crunch of rubber-on-asphalt as it backs up over your pulped torso for good measure.

Which brings us to REMAKE. Namely, why did they cut a lot of scenes from the OG’s script that heavily featured Aerith flirting with Cloud? Or suggested there might be something there, between them, to the audience? It’s for the same reason that Sephiroth no longer has his trademark slow-burn rise to the center of the stage.

Those plot points no longer served their narrative purpose.

REMAKE is, functionally, a pseudo-sequel. A retelling that exists in conversation with a past version of itself, and is constructed with the assumption that the audience is, at least passingly, familiar with its legacy. 

Sephiroth doesn’t get a mysterious build-up because everyone already knows who he is and what he’s about, he and Aerith are familiar with at least a broad-strokes version of the script because the audience already knows it by heart, Cloud gets headache flashbacks of scenes from the OG when we see something we know will be picked up down the line, and Aerith isn’t pushed as hard as a love interest to the audience because we’re already attached to her at the hip.

Aerith seemingly knows about her fate, and while the game leans heavily on suggesting Tifa and Cloud’s shared romantic feelings, even moreso than the original did in this segment, it still holds space for Cloud to pursue Aerith, should you choose. However, she all but talks past him and directly to the audience in her Chapter 14 Resolution scene, warning us away and signposting an oncoming tragedy so that we might brace for it when the time comes and spare us any unnecessary pain.

Her character development gets fast tracked too, through knowledge granted from the Arbiters, she grows quickly towards her late-disk-one identity as the Last Ancient. She gets a piece of the closure with Zack she might get at the Gold Saucer on her date with Cloud, a chance to say goodbye to the last bit of her normal life before she was able to fully embrace the fact that it was gone. She even gets the closing speech this time, last words usually reserved for the protagonist.

But that’s what she is at the end of REMAKE, isn’t it? The only one on the same playing field as Sephiroth and the only one who might be on the same page as the audience. Equal parts the Aerith that just left Midgar and the Aerith that we saw leave for the Forgotten Capital back in 1997, on a mission to protect her friends from the danger that lay on the path she knew she had to walk. 

All of us now get to walk that path on more time.

Maybe this time we’ll get to walk it with her. Maybe this time we’ll get that happy ending. Hell, maybe Zack makes it out fine too and we get that heartfelt reunion our hearts bled for when finished Crisis Core. Maybe yours is still bleeding.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

The Arbiters subplot exists to taunt us with these possibilities, to roll back our grief from acceptance to bargaining to denial, if we ever reached those stages to begin with. I can almost see our girl getting to go home this time, safe and happy and surrounded by her newfound misfit family, free of the crippling loneliness that’s haunted her entire life.

But to be honest?

All I can see is a better mouse trap.

[catboymingi]

happily ever after - veninder epilogue

IMPORTANT: i have actually entirely moved blogs over to @mingkiii​ & am only posting this here because i do not know yet if/when i will move veninder over to my new blog. seeing how this is the last chapter and i would have to repost all other ones on a schedule before ever getting to post this i have decided to have this be my final piece of writing on this blog, just so those who did read this multichapter actually get to see the end of it. thank you all for your patience & understanding, & i hope to see you on my new blog as well

navi/masterlist

story masterlist

pairing: mingi x reader

genre: angst, fluff; best friends to lovers au

word count: 2.7k

warnings: language, some violence, hints at abuse

a/n: we did it lads this is the veninder epilogue and that’s why it’s so short… we reached the end there’s just happiness after this, happiness and maybe a baby or two

jeg ved at det er kærlighed - i know that it’s love

judging by the smile on your faces when you came back to mingi’s place the date had gone well, something that would’ve caused some teasing if you hadn’t taken off to the tall redhead’s room right after. and even though you sometimes went a little strong on the lovey-dovey behaviour the boys were glad to see the way the two of you were interacting. they were glad that you were still going strong after two months, and were glad that you were finally able to express yourself and believe that things wouldn’t be ruined even if there were hard moments and bumps along the way. that was how every relationship went, but mingi treated you the best he could, tried his best to never hurt you if he could avoid it. so your relationship was as perfect as it could be, you were as in love as you could be, and there was only one thing tainting the relationship that left a smile on not only mingi’s and your, but also the boys’ faces - your ex-friends, who still seemed desperate to ruin things for you even though they now had much less options.

the day after your first love confession was another time where they tried to make you feel bad, though their attempts got poorer and poorer with time, something that didn’t leave you any more relaxed because you knew they’d be planning a massive coup sooner or later just to get back at you. you hated to admit it, but it still affected you, their obvious hatred for you. you didn’t understand just what you’d done so wrong to deserve them trying to ruin your entire life - were you really not allowed happiness? had your father been right when he’d taught you to obey and ignore your own wants and needs?

“angel”, mingi disrupted your wandering thoughts during lunch, having noticed that they went in directions they shouldn’t be going. “what’s wrong?”

now eight curious and worried faces were turned towards you, but you just shook your head.

“i don’t want to talk about it.”

they accepted this, especially since you were still in university and you wouldn’t be able to take as much time as you needed if you ended up breaking down now, so they just left you alone about this, instead trying to cheer you up through teasing each other, something that did work, especially when they now, months after the happening, revealed mingi’s common contact name in all their phones to you, the name that hadn’t been changed ever since they first decided that ‘simp’ was fitting.

“hey!”, your boyfriend complained, but you just smiled at him, pressing a lipsticky kiss to his cheek which made him smile like an idiot as well and his friends laugh even harder because he looked like a lipstick advertisement or a vintage valentine’s day card with the lipstick mark right there.

“hold on”, getting out your makeup wipes because it didn’t stay hidden to you why his friends were laughing, and then you cleaned his cheek until the last remnants of your lipstick were gone and mingi was smiling like a much less stereotypically whipped idiot.

“do you want me to come over tonight?”, mingi asked, wanting to have the chance to talk to you by himself without the boys there, and he knew you preferred to have serious conversations at your place just because it felt more private.

you nodded, resting your head on his shoulder after, and you wished you could just stay like this, but sadly you had one more class to visit, something you did reluctantly, and it was only okay because mingi brought you there and kissed you goodbye and now had slightly red lips as well, an absolutely adorable sight that made you forget about your worries for a moment.

your worries returned soon after, though, when you sat in class and knew that if something happened you’d have to deal with it by yourself, even though nothing happened today. the anxiety was still there, and it made it hard for you to stay concentrated, and this was obvious to mingi when he picked you up after class.

“let’s go home, angel” was the first thing he’d said after he’d said hello to you, noticing how your expression didn’t light up the way it usually did around him, a half-assed smile the most he could get from you.

he held your hand but didn’t say much on the way, knowing that you’d probably prefer to be home before your anxiety came crashing down on you, so he just tried to show you that he was there physically, through squeezing your hand or rubbing small circles next to your thumb with his thumb. he wanted you to know that he was there, and you knew he was, grateful but not much less anxious.

“what’s wrong?”, he asked as soon as you were in your dorm and had taken your shoes off, but you didn’t want to speak yet, you wanted a hug, something he’d gladly provide.

“i’m just anxious”, you told him, removing your face from his shirt soon after because you realised that you’d be leaving makeup stains if you weren’t careful.

“scared that they’ll somehow manage to ruin things anyway. i don’t know what to expect from them but i know it’s nothing good.”

“i get it”, his arms still around you, holding you tightly to ground you a little.

“but i’m here. even if it won’t stop them, at least you won’t be alone.”

you wished this would have calmed you more, but it didn’t. you feared the worst from them because so far all their plans had gone wrong, and you knew they could be desperate and absolutely ruthless when they were desperate, and you really didn’t like knowing that you were their current favourite victim.

“what if it gets too much? i don’t know, if they hurt you or something. i couldn’t stand myself if they hurt you.”

he just held you even closer because he didn’t have anything good to say to that. he could understand it - the thought of you getting hurt because of him was enough to make him want to cry right there, and he knew that if anything happened to him you’d feel like it was your fault.

“we’ll be okay, angel. i love you and that’s most important to me right now”, rubbing your back in an attempt to prevent the tears he could hear in your voice from falling, or to calm you if they did.

“can i take a shower? i don’t want to leave you here by yourself but i think it’d help”, you asked, and “of course” he replied, because if it helped then he’d let you do pretty much whatever.

“i’ll wait here”, and he did, waited for you to come back, you wearing the tie dye shirt you’d gotten from him and shorts or no shorts, the world may never know, and had a towel turban on your head.

“i love you too”, you told him first thing as soon as you were nestled in his arms, because you’d neglected saying that when you’d left him to shower, and even though you felt shy saying it it was more important to you that he knew how you felt than it was that you weren’t embarrassed because you talked about your feelings.

“thank you”, kissing the towel turban and your forehead, smiling at your small cuddly form in his arms - you looked so sweet right now, mingi felt a deep need to protect you, and he would. he’d do all he could.

//

the more time passed the stronger your anxiety got, and the more mingi wished he had a way to solve this for you because it hurt him to see you like this. he wasn’t the only one, either, the boys talking more than once about how they’d be able to get this situation sorted. but they never were able to come up with anything, because there wasn’t really anything to do - talking wouldn’t help, this much was obvious, and they weren’t the type to be violent if it wasn’t absolutely needed, like that time san had needed to protect you.

it was fate that gave them a solution, fate and your ex-friends being so desperate to make you pay that they turned to violence when your current friends had refrained from that the entire time. they really did seem desperate, because one time after your class, during lunch break, they cornered you, stared you down and snarled at you.

“where’s your little bodyguard now?”, knowing that mingi wasn’t there right now, that wednesdays was the day you’d meet at lunch because he’d be late to pick you up anyway due to his class being at a whole different end of the building.

and you were panicked, but part of you was relieved. they’d beat you up and hopefully they’d leave you alone later, now that you’d gotten your punishment for daring to question their authority, and a beating wasn’t something you couldn’t take. it wasn’t like you could do anything, anyway, your body in freeze mode as it awaited the pain it knew was to come.

but your little bodyguard had been looking for you with his friends when you weren’t at the table yet when he arrived, and your little bodyguard wasn’t stupid, so he went to your classroom first, checking the nearby area to see if you were there. he found you, covering your face but making no other effort to defend yourself as you were kicked in the legs and hit in the stomach, still standing so it couldn’t have gone on for too long. and while he saw red that moment yeosang managed to remain cool enough to get out his phone and film the scene, knowing that the boys would protect you, and knowing that this would finally give you an opportunity to have your peace. so he filmed the situation, even though he wanted nothing more than to protect you, too, but logic told him that this would protect you more long-term.

so he filmed the boys pulling your ex-friends away, filmed them saying that you deserved it, and first turned the recording off when some other student had gotten a teacher because mingi had to be held back by three of his friends or he would’ve ignored his resolution to never hurt those weaker than him, because they’d been the ones to hurt you first.

yeosang was the one to show the video to the teacher, then later to some kind of university council that ended up getting the girls expelled, and to the police, too, because there was no way these girls would get away without legal prosecution.

and even though the situation had been horrible and even though your boyfriend had refused to let you go for more than a shower or your trips to the toilet this situation finally brought you the peace you’d desired, and mingi swore he’d marry yeosang if he wasn’t so hopelessly in love with you.

you finally got rid of your anxiety along with your tormentors, and you truly thrived now that you no longer feared them. your friends had never seen you happier, and you soon found yourself new acquaintances, too, people to spend time with so you wouldn’t feel like you’d stolen mingi’s friends, though neither he nor the boys would ever complain about that - they loved you too much and were glad about any second you spent with them.

you thrived in your studies, too - mingi continued taking the follow-up sociolinguistics courses with you and somehow made it fit with his schedule, and he bribed you into taking a course in whatever the bigger field of probability was called with him just because it fit with your schedule and he loved you so much and because, as he framed it, “it’s not fair that i’m dealing with all the lects and you’re not even dealing with a small number, not even a tiny one”. and because you loved him so much you couldn’t say no to him, so you found yourself taking an extra maths course the rest of your four semesters at university, which you somehow managed to stay with mingi and as in love as you were in the beginning, though by now the homely comfort had set in. he’d moved out of the boys’ common dorm and in with you about a year into your relationship, during the big summer semester break, though that didn’t mean the boys spent any less time with you - pyjama parties were still a frequent happening, and one that brought joy to all of you.

there was one thing that would bring even more joy to mingi, though, a thing he’d asked the boys to help him prepare, something that he hoped you’d appreciate as much as he appreciated you.

//

you were dyeing his hair again - he’d tried different colours by now, motivated by you, but he wanted to go back to his red roots for graduation, and you agreed, using up some of the red dye he still had from your last split-dye adventure, when your fingers touched something that you didn’t expect to be there.

“there’s something here, hold on”, you let him know, taking out the little object and planning to just put it to the side until you saw his expression and the small, round ring shape, at which point it slowly dawned on you just what he’d planned to do. so instead of ignoring the little object you went to carefully rinse it, seeing a small plastic ring that you knew couldn’t have been expensive but that you were glad hadn’t been expensive because it would inevitably be coloured red from now on, and when you turned back to mingi and his half-dyed head he was on one knee, holding out his hands to grab your dye-covered, plastic glove-clad ones, not caring about the splotches it would leave on his skin. not when you were right there.

“mingi?”, you asked when he didn’t seem to want to talk, and first then did it seem like he was returning to reality, no longer caught up in his own fears and insecurities.

“this is probably a horrible moment”, he started, smiling awkwardly at you, “but we did this for our first date and that’s why i wanted red, too, like on our first date just roles reversed. and i just wanted to remember how giddy and excited i felt when you let me take you out on a date, even when it was just dyeing your hair, and i still kind of feel that way even though now it’s like, logical considering what i want to do, but i wanted you to remember that first date and how comfortable and right everything felt right from the start, at least for me. and then, when you remember that, i want you to see how far we’ve come and i want you to know that no matter what you say it won’t set us back, okay?”, waiting for you to nod as you bit your lip nervously, awaiting the words you knew were to come sooner or later, though as you knew mingi later rather than sooner, “and i want you to know that i love you so endlessly much, so much that i always want to be with you, and i want to make it really official and i want to promise you my everything and that’s why i want to ask you if you’d marry me. will you marry me, angel?”

that was sooner than expected. it took you a little by surprise, even though you’d already known what to expect when you’d seen him kneel like that, so you found yourself unable to speak, nodding instead, nodding until your voice finally left you able to choke out a “yes” before you fully regained your senses and told him, this time sounding much more certain, “yes, i will.”

and then he got up to kiss you, the dye in his hair momentarily forgotten, some of it making its way to your face as he cupped it and you accidentally resuming your dyeing ministrations as you buried your hands in his hair, and things felt perfect, just like they’d continue to be when it came to the two of you.

and you finally got your happy ending, your happily ever after.

[self-loving-vampire]

@melancholygirlfrien said:

I have a Child Development Associate so I am literally professionally certified to tell you that yes, taking children and babies to places so they can learn how to function and see that they're a part of a world bigger than they are, is important to their social, emotional, and language development. It helps everything from motor skills to social skills and cognition Just because you find babies' cries annoying doesn't mean parents are selfish just for wanting to take their children outside. Children shouldn't be raised indoors all day in a fucking bubble because that's how developmental issue happen. If a child is isolated they can develop serious issues.

Note that there are more appropriate places you could be taking them to, for starters. Places where people can avoid the noise more easily and where it might be less disruptive.

Like, you have options beyond “indoors 100% of the time” and the kinds of locations I mentioned in my first reply to you. Like, you can still take them to places like parks, malls, and other locations where it would be less of an issue.

No it's not fucking self centered for a parent to take their baby outside because they're just doing what they gotta do , not everyone can afford child care especially people of lower socioeconomic status. There are many single mothers who have no other option but to take their baby everywhere because that's what their situation calls for. The only fucking person being self-centered and not considering the struggles of other people is you.

Again, notice the kinds of places I mentioned in my post before going off on straw arguments. My complaints about others involve places like restaurants, the movies, and airplanes.

These are not only places where a child crying can ruin other people’s experience and be inescapable, they’re also places where many of the people there are not poor and had other options for what to do about their situation.

Like, I would think differently about someone who brought their baby to a clinic’s waiting room (for example) as opposed to a flight to Miami.

Black and white thinking is not going to help you understand what other people’s issues are.

No I wouldn't tell someone whos scared of my snake to go suck it, even though I would have every right to. Like I said I understand when people have phobias of certain animals. There might be people out there who have a phobia of dogs but does that mean people who take out their dogs are being selfish and don't care about people who have trauma/phobia associated with dogs?? Fuck no, those people are just being responsible dog owners and doing what every dog owner should which is take their dog out for a walk. Just bc some people might be annoyed by their dog doesn't mean they're being self-centered and bad people.

And yet there are places where they probably should not take their dog because it would be either inconsiderate or outright banned, and if they insisted on doing so then they probably are self-centered.

Like, if you want to take your babies out for a walk or something around the house that’s not nearly as bad as what I was actually complaining about.

your life isn't gonna be fucking ruined from hearing a baby cry in public. The most you'll be is annoyed and anxious for a few moments and then it will go away. Suck it up.

Did I ever say anyone’s life was going to be ruined? Why do you make everything some kind of exaggerated strawman?

Here are some exact quotes you already forgot about:

“It’s not the worst thing but it’s still kind of inconsiderate“

“No one said anything about stopping them or suspending their rights in any way, only that noise is annoying (and especially painful to autistic people with sensory issues).“

“Um… what do you think I do? Activate Karen Mode and go bother the parents about it? Nah, I just judge them silently. I am free to complain as much as I want on the internet though.“

So:

1- I am not treating it as a huge, life-ruining thing, just a sort of dick move. Like people who cut in line or something.

2- I do “suck it up” when it happens but am 100% allowed to complain about it online anyway.

Tbh I can't keep talking to you, I think people like you should be ushered into a dark warehouse and humanely put down.

Empathy-havers are so humane they advocate genocide against autistic people apparently, over a post about baby noises being kind of annoying. I’m not even surprised because you all keep doing this every single time without even thinking about how it sounds.

Maybe you should think about how the things that make children annoying (they're egotistical, they have a hard time empathizing with  others because of their self-centered world view) are traits that you have yourself. The difference is that most children develop and grow out of that self-centered world view

If you actually read my post, the primary annoyance I pointed out was that they were Portable Sensory Hell. I made no comment about their ability to feel empathy and actually find low empathy people significantly less annoying than others so that’s clearly not it.

You're a child in my eyes tbh. Your mentality is childish. Say what you will but I would like to remind you again, at one point in your life, you were a baby, and you shit your pants, and someone had to clean up all that shit after. Or else you wouldn't be here.

You know, if you’re going to go around advocating genocide over a post about people not liking baby noises then I am 100% sure my literal child self was morally and intellectually superior to your current self already.

You know what would make me respect you more? If you owned up to the fact that you judging parents when their babies cry is a result of your low empathy and self-centered world view. I would respect you SO much more if you just said "Yo, straight up. I'm just a selfish person. I know babies can't help that they cry and it's not the parents fault but I straight up do not like that shit. I have low empathy as a person and therefore I can't really bring myself to care about babies, children, or the parents and their situation so I just judge parents because I want to. Because their kid is annoying the shit out of me. I don't care about the reasoning tbh I'm just kind of an asshole."

> Implying I care about whether or not you respect me.

Also, this isn’t even correct. At my current point in life I pretty much never have to interact with babies in any way, if I was completely selfish then it would not matter to me now whether or not people bring their crying babies into airplanes and the like. The issue just isn’t a very significant part of my life.

But the thing is that while I am low empathy that does not change the fact that I value other people’s well-being and know that crying babies make their lives worse even if just in a small, temporary way.

The kinds of parents I am complaining about don’t even think about that.

You know you're just incompassionate. So be a self-respecting sociopath and own up to that shit, please, I would respect a stone cold evill mf  SO much better than a little weasel who tries to give excuses as to their own egocentric way of thinking.

I am a narcissist, not a sociopath. Of course, if cluster B disorders are just standard insults to you then you might think all low empathy conditions are the same.

Furthermore, you haven’t shown that you understand anything at all about what low empathy conditions are actually like.

Also I find it really telling that you would prefer unrepentant evil selfishness over someone who merely understands and sides with others who are negative about loud babies. Like, actual morality is not something you seem to be valuing here.

"iF I wErE iN tHaT sItUaTiOn I wOuLd jUsT sTaY hOme!" No you wouldn't you stupid bitch because parents have to go out to buy groceries, and run errands like every other adult.

Again, you seem to be treating all of “outside the house” as an interchangeable space with the exact same norms.

Like, do you realize how it might be different to bring your child out for necessary grocery shopping than to bring them to a restaurant or the movies? Do you really think I would treat those things as exactly the same?

MOST parents, especially working-class, poor, or single parents, DON'T have that option, as I already stated. And you are showing a clear lack of regard for people who are in a tougher situation than you for judging parents when their babies annoy YOU. You are literally not putting yourself in their shoes at all bc you have no idea of even half the shit parents have to do in order to make ends meet and look after their babies.

Oh, I am well aware of how having babies will multiply your suffering, especially if you’re poor. It’s precisely why I’m never having any! 

I understand it’s a huge pain and people with children are always going on and on about how their lives became significantly more miserable as a result of it.

I think you should honestly love that screaming toddler on the plane because in a few decades she might grow up to become the nurse who will take care of you when you're old and ill.

This argument just doesn’t work one way or another. If the baby is going to help me then I will be grateful once that actually happens, not based on a hypothetical so unlikely I might as well live my life not considering it.

[its-jijii]

bsd character traits

howdy. idk how to start this. okay recently have been analyzing characters and,, i realized that most characters in bsd have traits (mainly one) that are blown rlly out of proportion. no spoilers below the cut i just don’t want to spam dashboards with longass posts 😩

so. a lot of bsd characters can be incredibly simplified and easy to explain. most characters that i can think of have a certain personality trait or something that makes up a lot of their character? for instance, i can say some of these traits and you’d be able to point to a certain character. childish and arrogant. happy and optimistic. obsessive and stalkerish.

ranpo, kenji, and higuchi. it’s like that for most characters, though. most of these traits are normal, or their causes are normal (such as higuchi’s “obsessive” behavior likely being a result of some mix of anxiety and idolization). anxiety and idolizing is okay and normal and moderation, but those traits are combined and amplified, which makes up a large portion of higuchi’s characterization. being optimistic is pretty normal,,, but kenji’s character is centered around being incredibly happy.

now this isn’t to say that this is a flaw in character design, or that it makes characters flat or boring. rather, i think it’s a pretty neat and interesting writing on asagiri’s part. y'know that post that’s like “if you can recognize a character by their outline, you know that it’s a good character design” or something like that,, yeah i think it's kinda like that but in writing instead of drawing? if you can write down a list of traits and think of certain bsd characters, then you’ve got a lot of the character covered already.

that isn’t to say that these traits are all that a character is, but mainly how they’re characterized and viewed. of course there is more to these characters, but if you were trying to summarize something, it’s very easy to simplify things to those traits. i think of this kind of like taking a character at face value. 

looking at a character’s dominant trait(s) and mainly associating that with them seems like taking their (entire) character at face value. and i don’t think that’s necessarily always a bad thing! but i think it’s also important to look past those fronting traits and see smaller parts of the character, or the reason characters are that way. looking past dazai’s intense suicidal character and secrecy, you find that he can be manipulative. looking past alcott’s intense anxiety, you’ll see that she is actually very intelligent and capable, but those traits are mainly covered up by her “face value” trait.

then, there’s the matter of how strange or abnormal these traits are. honestly at first, tanizaki or kenji didn’t stand out as “extreme” anything,,, that i think is bc asagiri does a good job at making some things subtle and weave perfectly into their character. some stuff, like akutagawa’s intense desire for approval and determination, can’t really be missed. tanizaki may seem like an all over kind of moderate character, but i think that it just happens to be that his “extremes” are more normalized or hidden.

for instance, tanizaki seems pretty anxious. mainly noticed this in his first appearance where he was pretending to be a bomber- bouncing his leg, apologizing thoroughly afterwards and making sure atsushi was okay, etc. seemed like he was having some anxieties over the matter. this stuff is pretty normal given the situation, and in smaller amounts is normal. the situation definitely made those actions seem more situational and less like a part of tanizaki’s character.

there’s also tanizaki’s hidden extreme, which is his obsession and protectiveness of his sister (which i also wrote about a bit). again, loving and being protective of someone, especially a sibling, is pretty normal. but with bsd, it seems like these normal traits are just,, blown out of proportion? suddenly they’re very intense, very extreme, and you tend to associate those traits with the character afterwards.

kenji’s “extreme” would be his optimism and happiness, which again doesn’t seem like an extreme, likely cause it isn’t bad. unlike negative traits like possessiveness or being gloomy, happiness when amplified doesn’t stand out that much. extreme possessiveness or antisocial behavior definitely stands out more. kenji’s happiness is simply a part of his character, and it seems like it's more like “him” than an attribute he has. he doesn’t have happiness, he is happy. really fuckin happy. kind of alarmingly happy?? i’m scared of him but that’s for another post.

anyway uhhh now that i’ve kinda talked about the traits and why they do or don’t stand out, i’m gonna just. do a list thing. with everyone’s traits. yes. i’m sorry this is gonna be rlly fucking long,, this is everyone’s “extremes” and maybe why. also this order is coming straight off the wiki sorry in advance 🥳 not including smaller side characters (office assistants, elise, and herman melville)

ada

atsushi - he’s kind of complicated but atsushi seems like a mix of extreme anxiety, desire to prove himself/do good, and babey. he’s absolute babey. most of this is due to past abuse in the orphanage. some of his smaller traits include fear of pain/death, bravery, and kindness. sometimes these traits contradict each other which is why i say he’s complicated. while afraid of pain and death, his desire to prove himself pushes him into brave and risky acts. while he is generally kind and he wants to do good for others, that sometimes means being brutally honest or pushy. (see: interactions w/ aku, especially in cannibalism arc)

dazai - extremely suicidal and fake (fake happiness/outgoingness). mainly, though, is his over the top suicidal ideation. he is incredibly suicidal, and if asked to point out the most suicidal character in bsd, there’s a very clear answer: the suicide maniac. dazai is also one of the incredible geniuses in the series, which surfaces quite often. some of his smaller traits that i said earlier would be that he’s manipulative, a liar, and insensitive. personally i think these are some of his most intense traits, but it also seems like he’s one of the characters taken at “face value”, with these other traits overlooked due to his excessive suicidal ideation/being eccentric. i could ramble more but i will save my dazai shit-talking for my other analysis. oh and i say that his faking expressions is different from lying. one is purposefully being deceitful for personal gain, where faking an emotion/reaction is simply to hide one’s true feelings.

kunikida - extremely strict and idealistic. heavily imposes his standards on not just himself, but everyone around him. can make him easily angered. some of his less evident traits are fear of failure and sadness over not being able to save people. his fear of failure can be hidden by his strict and confident nature. he also tends to act very neutral and unaffected when discussing past failures (usually people dying), which gives off an uncaring attitude. contrary to that, though, kunikida cares a lot! while it’s somewhat unclear as to why kunikida is so set on his morals, it may be his way of dealing with perfectionism issues and fear of doing things incorrectly. if all that is supposed to be done and all of his beliefs are written in his notebook, it is easier to stay to a strict schedule.

ranpo - childish and arrogant. i could leave it at that because that's 90% of him but i won’t. ranpo’s inflated ego was likely born from some kind of entitlement (im sorry that sounds mean let me make amends). with him being a great detective and the ADA being founded for him likely contributed to him having a great feeling of importance and intelligence. honestly that’s understandable though, he is a respectable genius. underneath those domineering traits are strong desires for praise, to fit in, and some motivation issues. ranpo really wants to believe that he is gifted, as he would feel like the odd one out if he didn’t have one. he will do anything for fukuzawa’s praise, which is probably linked to some childhood issues. lastly, his motivation- it’s connected to his tendency to find everything boring, and if something is boring, it isn’t worth his time.

yosano - sadistic and dominant. this sounds like weird bedroom shit but i swear it isn’t. mainly, the sadism comes to light when she’s using her ability or when she’s fighting- both which include her using weapons on other people. her domineering personality is also not always evident, as she is able to talk with a calm front if the situation needs it, mainly in civilized ADA meetings. otherwise, yosano will get intense and competitive, with an underlying desire to win. to some degree i think this aggression comes from wanting to stay in her position in life- she worked to get there, and she won’t back down from anything that may challenge or disrupt that.

kenji - overly happy and trustworthy. this is pretty clear from looking at him, but again doesn’t stand out that much,, it’s an extreme, but it’s an extreme feeling rather than mindset/goal. his happiness also doesn’t hurt anyone, so it’s less noticeable when he’s working with others- it often won’t affect them, aside from perhaps encouraging them or cheering them up. kenji is also, as we have seen, too trusting. he believes that trusting others is a good thing that will always lead to a good outcome. since this is an extreme belief rather than a feeling, it’s projected on his surroundings a bit more. i can’t explain any of his underlying traits or causes as we don’t know a ton about him :<

fukuzawa - kinda tough to say, but i guess extremely calm and protective? i wanted to say emotionless but he definitely has emotions, he just conceals them very well. rather, he tends to stay calm in almost every situation, no matter how bad it looks. he is also very protective of the detective agency and yokohama as a whole. underneath the mask, fukuzawa is caring- he literally never shows it, but i’ve never seen him scold someone, get mad, or punish someone (except post-cannibalism, but that wasn’t bad). he often looks angry but isn’t really, nor is he super strict. his past is still a bit too unknown for me to guess at why he’s like this.

tanizaki - extremely..... protective......... i just wrote about this ik but yeah uh. tanizaki is protective to the point it’s scary and he’s a danger to others. aside from that, tanizaki often seems very anxious, though he’s usually quite subtle about it. like i said earlier, it usually blends into the situation- if he’s in danger, of course he’s anxious. but, it seems that even when the danger has passed, he has lingering worries about whatever just occurred (getting scared at the mention of yosano’s treatment, desperately trying to find a way around punishment for disobeying fukuzawa). i feel like there’s more but my mind is blanking sorry y’all 😰

kyouka - emotionless? again she definitely has emotions, but similar to fukuzawa, rarely ever shows them. mainly what i mean by this is that she has a very underwhelming reaction to everything. if in danger, she won’t hesitate to do whatever, even if it’s violent, all without an expression. when bad stuff happens, she also doesn’t react much, unless atsushi is in danger or smth. one underlying extreme fear she has is being “evil” i guess? or just fearing the mafia. she absolutely doesn’t want to go back to the mafia, would rather die than kill again, and often has openly fearful reactions when faced with mafia members. her lack of fear and blank expression is probably a result of being desensitized to violence and also bad trauma from the mafia B(

katai - tired and isolated. seeing as how katai literally works from his futon, it’s safe to say that he enjoys sleeping and to some degree is lazy. he doesn’t really do anything, which also is a part of his isolation. i wouldn’t say antisocial behaviors since he isn’t aggressive, but basically he avoids social interactions like the plague. he never leaves his house, is horrible at talking to people, and is completely fine being cooped up in a small space for a week with no human contact. i’m sure people enjoy their alone time and sitting in bed.... but uhhhh....... yeah literally living in bed for a week with the only human contact being having take out dropped off? kinda extreme. his less evident trait goes hand in hand with social isolation- anxiety, or more specifically, social anxiety. what we mainly see of katai is during the small pre-cannibalism arc, which also shows his social anxiety. had the chapter not included going outside and interacting with girls, it would likely be unnoticeable. he is comfortable at home and doesn’t have that much of an issue with facing people and talking to them. however, he was very awkward in his interactions with higuchi (talking to her and pointing another way), as well as not knowing how to confess his love for gin.

pm

akutagawa - i’m so sorry in advance, akutagawa’s is rlly long bc he is kinda just. extreme. so uh, desire to get praise/prove himself, and few but extreme emotions. akutagawa’s most defining trait is his obsession with being acknowledged by dazai. unfortunately, it doesn’t end there- his very character extreme, a constant black and white fluctuation with no gray in between. there isn’t much of a spectrum with him, as it will be all or nothing. this applies to his view of others, view on the world, himself, his emotions, and actions. 

his emotions have been stated to be none at all, or intense anger/hatred and deep respect. his view of others seems to also be on opposite ends of the spectrum. either he likes them & respects them deeply, or he despises them. i can’t think of anyone who is in a neutral zone with him,, maybe he’s indifferent about some people, but i believe the majority of people fall into those two categories. then there are his actions, which are overly brutal even in the mafia. he uses excessive force and slaughter, aiming for flashy crimes to get dazai’s attention.

his view on the world doesn’t fluctuate as much, instead seeming to be fixated in one view- the world is cruel and harsh, and there are weak people and strong people. to him, the natural order of things is that the weak must die to make way for the strong. he also applies himself to a similar belief- either he is stronger, better, and more capable than everyone else, or he is weak, a failure, and would rather die than face defeat. extreme! 

mori - lack of impulse control and being an organized mess. by organized mess i mean that he thinks a lot, is smart, and leads the mafia,, buut he also seems not the best at some tasks (darts. professionalism. being a doctor?? didn’t he lose his medical license?) mori’s bad impulse control can be tied into his disarray kinda. this is hard to word but it’s kind of like when he’s presented with an issue, he immediately and casually defaults onto an extreme solution (three way war? okay let’s kill the president of the ada!) while i’m sure these things have been thought out beforehand, it’s his sheer wack presentation of things that make him look immature, irresponsible, and kinda bad at his job. 

chuuya - loyalty and irritability/aggression. while i do not believe we have seen the extent of his loyalty, it is worth noting that even after four years he trusts dazai with his life, despite dazai being a dishonest and irresponsible bastard. not trustworthy imo, but chuuya’s lingering feelings of loyalty do hold out. though not full trust and likely expecting something to go wrong, he still ends up trusting dazai. otherwise, chuuya is shown to be very loyal to the mafia, going measures to make sure dazai wouldn’t frame him to get kicked out. then there’s his irritability and aggression,, he’s shown to easily get angry and start fights with little provocation. some underlying(?) traits are his confidence (and sometimes arrogance), and his uhh,, diplomatic abilities?? idk what to call it, but if needed, he will calm down and focus to talk things out and make deals. most of these traits i believe can be linked to his old gang and possibly how they treated him due to his status as a powerful ability user. some of these also don’t seem extreme- he’s not extremely diplomatic, after all. buut these traits strongly contrast each other to make the switch more evident and dramatic.

higuchi - obsessive and stalkerish behaviors. personally i believe that this behaviors are rooted in a mixture of anxiety, loyalty, and idolization. i don’t know that higuchi has explained her infatuation with akutagawa, but it’s likely that she just admires him a lot. she also is shown to have a crush on him, which leads to the ideas that she’s obsessive and stalkerish. while i don’t deny those behaviors, i think that they’re mainly loyalty and anxiety dependent on idolization- except blown out of proportion and so extreme that she seems like a stalker. as she is loyal and deeply respects akutagawa, she also cares for him and his well-being considerably, as shown by the many times she interjects when his health is at risk. she is very, very anxious about his health, which likely is the cause for some of her obsessive behaviors (following him everywhere, trying to assist him constantly even when he says no, risking her life for him, etc). however, some isn’t all, so some of her stalkerish behaviors are genuinely rooted in a crush. but again it seems like this crush is just rlly fuckin extreme which is why she’s so persistent and radical in her attempts to help him/win him over.

kajii - curiosity. idk that this one needs a lot of explaining? his main focuses of curiosity are of god and science, but alone i don’t believe those things are extreme obsessions- he isn’t shown to praise god religiously (haha) like a certain someone, and obsession with science is already a kind of fixation on learning and curiosity, even outside of bsd. the entire concept of science is the study of the unknown. curiosity is a necessity if you are to be interested in science; its basis is observing, creating hypotheses, designing experiments, and then testing said hypotheses several times before compiling results and data into a conclusion. kajii’s fascination with experimenting is rooted in his desire to observe what happens, gather results, and learn from the experience. he is inherently curious about many things, but yes, most notably science and god. as for why..... no clue tbh.

kouyou - it’s kind of a control thing, whether it be with controlling/leading people, or being in control of tasks/responsibilities. there’s also a protective nature displayed, most notably of kyouka. in that sense, kouyou demands an amount of control over people and situations to execute action. her appearance also gives the impression that she is very specific and selective with her attire and how she presents herself- choices she has made, not mandated by anyone else. kouyou holds the position of one of the mafia’s five executives, and there’s nothing really to suggest that she is a bad leader or that she abuses her power. 

while sometimes misguided and blinded by her own experiences, kouyou’s intentions are often to protect, help, and teach, which are not bad at all. her execution of these could be worked on, but at heart she is trying to do good. currently this intense protective nature is fixed on kyouka, though it is alluded that there may have been a somewhat similar relationship with chuuya. as for why she is this way, she has already explained it with her past relationship in which her lover was killed while trying to escape with her. she doesn’t want that to happen again to those she loves.

q - he’s a mix of stuff, but mainly intense switches in mood/mindset and chaos. there’s also an underlying desire to be loved and to be not used, or “cursed”. q holds the belief that his ability is a curse that he never asked for (understandably), and has expressed that he wishes that he wasn’t forced to use his ability. paired with this wish to not be used is his wish for love- while never explicitly stated by him, he reacted very badly to being told that god is real but doesn’t love him. however, he probably wishes for more than just god’s love. q’s intense loneliness and wishing for someone to care for him can likely be attributed to the fact that he is only 14, has no friends, and seemingly spends all of his time locked up somewhere in the port mafia dungeons because he’s too dangerous. 

on the more evident side, q has extreme mood switches; he can bounce back and forth in between not wanting to hurt anyone or use his ability and then hating everyone and cursing everyone. his expression of these emotions are usually extreme, too- crying, sobbing, and begging can morph quickly into screaming, howling, and cursing others. these mood swings and hatred for others can also be attributed to his status in the mafia. it’s only natural for him to hate people when he only sees himself being used. his ability also is on the extreme side. both in what it is (mind control) and how it’s triggered (someone hurting him) speaks lengths of exactly how extreme his ability is. another smaller extreme that just occurred to me is his pain tolerance. he can be seen joyously causing intense injuries to himself which indicates that smaller and self-inflicted injuries are completely manageable for him.

oda - oda is weirdly like the opposite of what this post is about. there’s nothing really extreme about oda, unless you want to say he’s extremely bland? (i’m sorry hear me out) the entire thing with oda is his lack of emotions or opinions, and while i’m certain he has them, he very rarely expresses them. fun fact but he literally never smiled the entire dark era?? even with the kids 😭 okay but other than his extreme... lack of expressing feelings and opinions.. i think he’s very protective/concerned for others. he of course cares extremely about the orphans in his care, and he also cares for ango and dazai. i think that it can be said that oda’s main extreme is his fucking uh,, adopting orphan children. cause if i’m not mistaken he adopts like 15 kids in beast. he’s a serial orphan adopter. as for why, i don’t rlly know. i can guess that his stoic nature is some mix of trust issues and desensitized reactions to death/killing. under all that he’s strongly dedicated to his goals and future (caring for the kids and writing his novel).

hirotsu - honestly. not sure. he’s actually not that extreme. but, to me, his “face value” traits would be that he’s uptight and overly dedicated to tasks, though not to the extent that kunikida is. he was shown to harp on tachihara for being a few minutes late, killed an entire warehouse of people for stealing from the mafia, and tended to take successfully playing dazai’s video game a bit too serious, as he very formally apologized to dazai for his failure. he also seems to be dedicated to the task of supporting yokohama as best as he can, as he stays loyal and productive in the mafia even at his age. i would say that he’s loyal for staying that long (and he is), but he’s not extremely loyal, as he is shown doing random favors for dazai. however, these favors are usually to help support yokohama, so i guess he’s extremely..... uh supportive and trusting?? idk man hirotsu is just not that intense. intensely mysterious and cryptic maybe.

gin - though not exactly a character trait, gin is selectively mute. selective mutism, though normally a childhood anxiety disorder, can persist in late teens and adulthood. most likely, gin is mute by choice- and selective mutism is on the more severe end of the anxiety spectrum. while normal anxiety could cause someone to be shy, anxiety around others that’s so intense that the person can’t speak? yeah. there are, of course, other causes, but based on her interactions with others, it can be inferred that she chooses to stay silent out of fear or anxiety. she is capable of talking in select situations, and she can talk normally to some people. otherwise, she stays silent mostly, which makes her most outstanding trait her muteness. otherwise we haven’t seen enough to say if she has any other extremes. i also don’t have a definitive reason for why she’s mute.

tachihara - tachihara is another character with not many extreme aspects. what stands out most to me is probably his punk and carefree attitude. while he does easily get angry and violent, he can be just as quick to dismiss it if the situation calls for it. he is shown to be a bit more relaxed than his fellow mafia members, and he seems more into having fun with his job than being proper about things. his appearance also gives off vibes of a punk kid with an attitude, probably a mixture of kinda-spiky light hair, loose shirt, and weird fluffy cropped jacket. his attitude and appearance screams laid back to me. plus he dual wields in a weirdly casual way? he doesn’t have two guns to make his shots count and take on more enemies, he has two guns because he’s trigger happy and doesn’t care how bad his aim is. with two guns you don’t need good aim, you’ll eventually hit your target 😎 not enough known about him to say why he’s like this.

ace - not a lot is known about him since he existed for like two chapters BUT. ace is shown to be very greedy and ambitious. he frequently lies and plots to backstab others. if he’s an “extreme” anything, he’s an extreme snake, liar, and manipulative bastard.  he also has extremely slimy vibes but that’s probably just me associating all liars and manipulators into super slimy feels. as for why,, yeah no idea? he’s just extremely greedy and willing to step on whoever to get what he wants. that seems to be it though.

the guild

fitzgerald - extreme greed and determination. fitzgerald, while already wealthy, seems to seek more wealth at all times. even if it looks like he is bargaining, offering a large amount of money for something, or even randomly gifting people, he has an ulterior motive. fitzgerald is a businessman and would not strike deals unless they were ultimately profitable for him in the long run. his greed can sometimes be subtle or played off as something “good”, such as when he confronted that one businessman. the businessman admitted to the crime, attempted to pay off fitzgerald into silence, but was backstabbed in the end as fitzgerald provided evidence against him to the court despite the money given. 

another one of fitzgerald’s biggest traits is his persistent and determined nature. he is shown to not give up on his goals, no matter what the cost is. he wants to revive his daughter and help his wife? then he has no issues invading a foreign country, waging a gifted war against their gifted organizations, and willingly cursed ⅕ of yokohama with q’s ability, despite the fact that they were all innocent bystanders. as he stated, he was willing to raze yokohama to the ground to get the book. when defeated, it took a bit to convince him to try again, but once he decided to go for success again, it was almost simple for him to regain his status and wealth.

as for why he is so greedy, that isn’t really touched on or explained. his determination and independence can be chalked up to his “rules of success” or whatever. some of his underlying extremities could be social incompetence/ignorance, which honestly kind of makes up a lot of his character? beneath the absolute rich boy is an absolute ignorant rich boy. he seemed to struggle to understand why nathaniel felt responsible for mitchell. he also talks to alcott very flippantly despite her nervous reactions to him (and frequently ignores her warning to not follow dangerous plans). he doesn’t know what it’s like being poor, seen when he just walked into another person’s room in a hotel, thinking that he also owned that room.

montgomery - extremely playful and eager. the eagerness and playfulness kind of go hand in hand, as she is very excitable and loves to use her ability to mess with people and play games. this is evident in how over the top her speech is and how emphasized her actions are (the creepy big smile, her gesturing & clapping, etc.) her eagerness is mainly focused on winning and catching people in her game. these actions tend to blend into her character more than an intensified trait. an underlying strong desire is her desperation to fit in and have a place to belong, which is tied into her over-eagerness to win and do well. this is a result of her upbringing in an orphanage where she was unwanted. having no place to call home, she has fixated on creating a place where she can stay and fit in with others; particularly with other ability users, as she was outcast for having an ability when no one else did. 

steinbeck - though not as extreme as some other traits, steinbeck is above average in attributes like determination and a lack of empathy for strangers. his determination, for lack of a better word, will be used more as an umbrella term for his loyalty, thoroughness, and efficiency in his work. when needed, he will finish tasks assigned quickly and without skipping details. he is good at sticking to plans or an order and does his job well. despite disagreeing with fitzgerald’s ambitions and methods, he stays with the guild and even plans to lead it after its fall. his motivations are also rooted in his love and loyalty to his family. however, his intense thoroughness and determination also seems to lead to decreased empathy for others. he willingly went with the emergency plan, despite his ability causing q to curse ⅕ of innocent civilians in yokohama. he was also ready to sacrifice haruno and naomi for the purpose of fulfilling his mission. an underlying (and not as intense) trait is how laid back and casual he is. despite his jobs being cruel and sacrificing others, he does it easily and with a smile.

lovecraft - very very tired. being tired sometimes is normal if you didn’t sleep well, but lovecraft is constantly exhausted and on the verge of falling asleep. basically every scene with him includes him talking about how tired he is, or how much he wants to sleep. there were also instances of him briefly falling asleep in inappropriate scenes, such as when kunikida shot him and during the fight with dazai and chuuya. after the guild fell and his contract with fitzgerald expired, he immediately jumped into the ocean to sleep. aside from being incredibly tired, lovecraft has a few other feelings (though not as severe): being hungry and feeling anxious. hunger isn’t mentioned as much as being tired, nor is his anxiety; however, lovecraft has expressed that he feels anxious around people, as he never really interacts with them or goes out in public. before he was in japan with steinbeck, he apparently hadn’t been outside in four years. another extreme shut in! a bonus thing that we don’t know much about, but lovecraft seems to be bound to contracts he makes; even if he wants to do something else, he must “fulfill [his] contract”. assuming that he has no choice but to do what the contract requires, once he signs a contract, that’s a very powerful thing going on.

hawthorne - well uh. incredibly religious, and extremely dedicated/loyal. the religious part is arguably the biggest part of his character; he is a pastor, dresses like one, carries around a bible, and uses his rosary to activate his ability (which takes the form of verses from the bible). his purpose in life, and in the guild, is to pass on judgement to sinners and punish them. it is his strongest motivator, and he mainly spends his time speaking to god, reading the bible, and deciding how to use his ability to follow god’s will. all religion related- he’s incredibly dedicated. he is also loyal to margaret mitchell, to the point that it diverted him from god. his desire to save her and help restore her honor was also a big thing for him; eventually, this goal overtook following religion, which is a considerable achievement. i say that it overtook religion because he began working with fyodor in order to help mitchell- that was a mistake, as he currently is brainwashed into following fyodor’s orders without ever thinking on his own. he is no longer using his ability to follow his life’s work and to follow god. more underlying traits of his include arrogance and a lack of expressions. basically, doesn’t express much, though his tone tends to be arrogant a lot of the time. 

mitchell - with much unknown about her and little screen time, it’s a bit difficult to peg any extremes she has; however, she does possess a lot of arrogance that affects several aspects of her life. first and foremost, this arrogance tends to interfere with her relationships. mitchell is quick to start fights over petty things, automatically placing herself above others and asserting it quite forcefully. secondly, her arrogance disrupts how she acts and perceives others. as stated before, she believes herself to be above everyone else. however, beyond simply stating that, mitchell complains about having to do work when she believes that she is above that, too. she thinks that everyone else should be doing the work, and was shown to get angry at hawthorne when he wasn’t giving orders on the ship. another instance of this arrogance is her severely underestimating enemies, and becoming in critical danger as a result. a less noticeable trait is her honor, sort of? though it seems similar to her arrogance and inflated ego, mitchell is obsessed with restoring honor to her family, to the point that she would risk her life for it.

poe - hoo boy. poe has a few extremes: severe social anxiety/isolation, competitiveness, and a self esteem issue (sort of). poe faced ranpo in a battle of wits some time in the past, and when defeated, apparently fell into a deep depression. normally, someone would accept their failure and move on, but poe instead gained a lot of self-doubt and negative emotions. to recover from that fall, he became obsessed with facing off with ranpo again and winning. he is extremely dedicated and competitive, as he prepared to face ranpo again for six fuckin years. he is stated to be reclusive and shy, talking quietly and hiding his face with his hair. his profile says he dislikes noisy crowds and “being invited to a party and ignored by the only person he knows”. in short, he is not one for socializing or being the center of attention.

some of his underlying traits are his mood swings or conflicting feelings about others. though they aren’t super severe, it is worth noting that it happens quite frequently- he was confident when facing ranpo, then switched to a very depressed and sullen mood when ranpo didn’t recognize him. he was happy when he believed he beat ranpo- again, quickly transformed to intense disappointment and feeling of defeat when he realized that he lost. his conflicting feelings of others is mainly evident in his weird relationship with ranpo. he appears excited and overjoyed to watch ranpo use super deduction, but when asked if he was a fan, replied that they were rivals. when he trapped chuuya and ranpo in the book, he laughed in delight at potentially trapping and winning against ranpo in this way. immediately after, he was struck with the possibility of ranpo actually dying in the book, to which he got quiet and a bit scared about.

twain - another character with a lot of arrogance? but also a lot of excited reactions and constantly looking to mess around and have fun. he is shown to be very laid back and casual about his job, not getting disappointed when faced with defeat; rather, he laughs in excitement about someone being talented enough to escape his sniping. most scenes with him include inappropriate bouts of jokes and requests to engage in silly activities. however, he dislikes being ignored or left behind, so he tends to go with the flow anyway. more regarding his arrogance; twain believes his ability and talent to be great. his last appearance includes him commenting on how he is going to go home and finish writing his autobiography. not much is known about him, so it’s unclear why he is significant enough to write a book about. plus, his likes list himself and praise as the first two. a less evident trait of his, referenced in his likes and dislikes, is what he likes to do. sniping, of course, seems to be his favorite- this is likely because he likes adventure (and probably dangerous tasks/jobs), and dislikes plain or boring work. he likely gets bored easily, similar to ranpo, and needs an engaging and interesting task to entertain him.

alcott - most obviously, alcott has severe anxiety, though mainly it’s related to the social aspects of her life. this timidness and fear of talking to others dominates most of her character, and when thinking of alcott, the first thought that comes to mind is “oh, that really anxious and shy tactician.” alcott, for an unknown reason, relies heavily on approval from others, mainly fitzgerald. she has low self esteem, which also contributes to her fear of talking to strangers; she will run and hide if other people confront her. she only seems to feel more comfortable with fitzgerald, her boss, and poe, her fellow shy writer friend. other than her anxiety, alcott is also incredibly intelligent. it’s overshadowed by her “face value” trait, but is still very prominent. her work as a tactician means that she plans, but even her plans are the epitome of intense. using her ability allows her to write packets of potential outcomes to situations she really has no way of predicting. she also writes what to do should certain problems arise, though her cautious nature appears again as she often strongly recommends that fitzgerald does nothing.

the rats/decay of angels

fyodor - fyodor is another kind of tough one, but i’d say that it’s a mix of intelligence and composed attitude. another character with a very limited range of emotions- iirc there was one time he looked surprised, occasionally looks annoyed or confused, sometimes smiles, but mostly has no expression at all. he has dulled reactions to external stimuli, similar to kyouka, and likely hides his reactions or feelings like fukuzawa. one thing that is known, however, is that he is one of the genius characters and that he is constantly plotting and thinking. while he may not react to things happening around them, i am sure he notices them, takes them into account, and sometimes incorporates them into his complex plans. his ability to predict things rivals alcott’s, to the point that he predicts what everyone will do, how to trick them, and how to exploit the mistakes they will make. unlike alcott, his ability does not allow him to maximize his genius and complex plotting; all of his thinking and planning is done in the moment or before his plans are set into action, which is still impressive on its own. as for why he is like this, completely unknown. he also has a god complex, different from kajii and hawthorne’s religious beliefs. not only is his entire motivation to “cleanse the world of sinners” (ability users), but he has called himself god before. his religious beliefs seem to go beyond simply believing in god or following god’s word; no, he is god, and his job is to kill all ability users.

goncharov - goncharov didn’t show up much, but from what we saw of him, his main extreme is his dedication and loyalty. specifically, goncharov is very dedicated to fyodor- he underwent surgery to have “[his] unhappiness removed”, which makes him appear constantly smiling and declaring how happy he became with fyodor’s help. he is almost obsessive in his loyalty to fyodor, calling him “master” and apparently having similar interests (likes classical music, implied to have tea with fyodor, etc.) 

pushkin - again, didn’t show up much, but from what little we saw, he is very ambitious. he found joy in the way his ability was used in the cannibalism arc, stating later on that it was a genius technique and he would find it fun to do it again but with prominent world leaders. ambition is one thing and desiring to cause chaos similar to the cannibalism arc but with world leaders… yeah he must get really bored.

mushitarou - though not quite a character trait, mushitarou is extremely… clean? particular? just by looking at him, you get the impression that he is self absorbed, probably grooms himself a lot (look at his HAIR), and that he is confident. he is also shown to be very demanding, which is where his “particular” thing comes in. he requires everything to be done a certain way, with very specific and high standards. with his ability, he also believes himself to be unbeatable, though this cockiness may have led to him being caught by ranpo. fr if he’s sitting there yelling how he’s gonna get away with it, does he expect to still get away with it?? anyway. i don’t really know why he’s like this or other underlying traits, as our info on him is still pretty limited. i guess he cares about his friend a FUCK TON.

gogol - oh boy. gogol really likes freedom and being a clown. now, being a clown seems like a weird kind of extreme we’re talkin about… but i think that this trait is mainly just emphasized with how outgoing and excitable he is. he dresses like a clown, loves playing weird tricks and games, and frequently gives people “quizzes”. his body language also characterizes him as moving around excessively. overall just a mega clown. then there’s his love of freedom. his recently released character profile states that he dislikes “brainwashing, subordination, being unfree”. all his dislikes are tied into each other and definitely tied into his odd obsession with being free- hell, he even died saying, “this is a prison break! over the innate brainwashing known as morality, i choose the freedom of my soul!” basically, a reality where he must follow what others want is too confining and he would rather die to free his soul than continue living that way. pretty extreme! 

sigma - uh my boy has only existed for like 7 chapters but. we’ll go with he’s extremely secretive and also babey. so, with the secrecy, it’s more like he has very bad amnesia and most information is unknown about him. real name, backstory, age, birthday, weight, height, ability name- none of that is clear, so he is either keeping it secret or doesn’t remember (possibly a combination of both.) from what we have seen of sigma, though, he is very kind and considerate of his customers and other people. he is formal and protective of not only his casino, but those staying at his casino. he has spent a lot of time memorizing everyone’s names and info about them for the sake of maximizing their safety and enjoyment. for being a member of a terrorist organization, sigma is a sweetheart. his kindness and innocence are more traits that blend into his character more, so it isn’t as evidently an “extreme”- but i do want to say that he has extreme memory issues and for being in a terrorist organization, he is incredibly sweet, which seems somewhat out of place.

others

ango - ango is very, very hardworking. another dedicated madlad. in dead apple, ango was shown to have willingly pulled several all nighters writing reports on the incident. when we were first introduced to him in the mafia, he was shown to be going above and beyond with his job; rather than writing a list of the people who died, ango wrote out a biography for each person, basically. he was uptight and against slacking in his job, attempting to refuse dazai and oda’s offer to go drinking, and very against being hugged by them when they stank of death. a bit of a clean freak with how uptight and orderly he was. he held a high ranking position in the mafia as an informant, where he handled much of their sensitive information and deals. his job also required him to work as a triple agent- initially in the special abilities department, then sent to infiltrate the mafia, and then in the mafia was sent to infiltrate mimic to work as a double agent. overall, his job(s) required a lot of him and he gladly overworked himself in all of them.

gide - he’s kinda weirdly obsessed with a specific goal? so less a personality trait or even mindset that is amplified, but a strange goal where he, as the leader of mimic, was determined to lead himself and his men into battle with worthy opponents who could kill them. their sheer determination to fight others with the goal of dying, basically a suicide mission, was what stood out. plus, gide was willing to go to horrifying extremes to provoke oda into fighting him. he believed oda to be the only one capable and worthy enough to kill him in battle, and once he realized oda refused to fight him, kidnapped and killed oda’s orphans, essentially angering oda into fighting and killing hm, also killing oda in the process. so still pretty extreme, but also extremely specific.

shibusawa - shibusawa’s extreme traits are boredom, intelligence, and collecting. intelligence is actually kind of dubious, as we don’t know to what extent his intellect is, but it is implied that he at least believes himself to be a genius and in some way or another, superior to everyone around him. he thinks of everyone else as boring, life as boring, and as such is constantly searching to cure his boredom. this boredom is probably his strongest motivator for most things, such as conducting the dragon’s head conflict. this boredom also might be an influence on his collector tendencies, as i believe they work in tandem in his ability use. bored of everything, he finds it interesting to collect things- his ability allows him to separate ability from ability user, so of course he finds it entertaining to watch people duel their abilities, his reward being another ability gem in his large collection. his collection is massive, and seeing as how all of his gems are from getting ability users to kill themselves with their abilities,,, yikes shibu that’s really intense and hardcore 😰

and with that, i think that’s about the end of this post (thank god). i decided against including the hunting dogs in this, as there is not enough known about them to determine what their extremes are and why. also its 5 am and im kinda lazy :( i wanna say that this post is also kind of like a spectrum. almost every character has a trait/goal/mindset/habit that’s intense and kind of characterizes a lot of the character; but, some characters are less extreme than others, particularly characters that don’t convey a lot of expressions. and like i tried to explain earlier, some traits don’t stand out that much and seem more like they’re a part of the character. not every “extreme” written here is the level of extreme that akutagawa’s obsession is, for instance.

a last note to end on is that i wanna talk about intelligence in bsd. it seems like a pretty all-or-nothing situation for the most part; either a character is of average intelligence or they’re a fucking genius. now, most “average” characters are still witty, innovative, and capable of basic detective skills, but there is still a large difference in say, kenji and fyodor. both are pretty dangerous and extreme in their own aspects, but in terms of intelligence, fyodor has kenji far outmatched. i’m gonna rank the different geniuses of bsd and their intelligence type. this is entirely personal opinion btw

ranpo- on top of having amazing intuition and deduction, ranpo is excellent at analyzing small details in a short amount of time. his sheer speed at completely solving impossible cases, even with little evidence, is what makes him so remarkable. he also is pretty good at being a tactician, though his strength mainly lies in solving mysteries.

a tie between dazai and fyodor. maybe fyodor a bit smarter tho. both are incredible tacticians, and their strengths lie in analyzing what their enemies are plotting. they are good at reading people and figuring out how to best use them, and lying/faking their way to get what they want. dazai is also a pretty good detective. 

i am sad to place alcott at third bc tbh she might be a two or tied with ranpo. alcott is fucking brilliant as a tactician and her ability allows her to create complex and detailed plans, correctly able to plot out every possibility her enemies may take. she hasn’t been shown to have any particular skills in reading people or crime solving, which is why she is placed third.

the debatables: don’t actually know the extent of their genius, but they’re apparently pretty smart and capable. mori, shibusawa, and ango?? i feel like im bsing my way now im sorry LMAO

honorable mention: katai

alright that is all im out. thank u for reading this hell i didn’t mean for this to be 8,000 words but its fine. probably. originally was gonna do shorter explanations for everyone and then reblog with more in depth but fuck it, its all here.

[againstshame]

Anonymous request for advice: “My brother is autistic and unemployed and I’m worried about his future."

Topics include: employment, hygiene, stimming that is disruptive and physically dangerous to others, “overeating”, family dynamics.

“Hello. I really hope I don’t come off as ableist. I just need some advice about my autistic  brother. He is currently 26 years old but has no goal or ambitions for his future ( everyone has a different pace I know) His special interest is in cartoons, and and researching about them (which I think is neat ) but it’s the only thing he does besides eat (this has resulted in obesity). He has had one job before, but disliked it, so my mom let him quit.

He is perfectly content just eating and watching tv, I am very worried about his future. I imagine he will stay with my mom until she passes, doing what he is doing now. What about after? We try to talk to him but I think he doesn’t really listen, he just waits for the conversation to be over. For example he only showers on Sunday, and we ask him why and suggest that maybe he can just use a wash cloth but he refuses, so we just have to deal with the odor every week

Like I said he is very large so when he stims (he stomps and spins) it shakes the house and the floorboards make a lot of noise and my teachers ask me what it is  cause it can be heard through my mic even when I’m in the basement ( online school). I ask him to be quieter but he ignores me ( I am younger) also I can’t get it attention because he is swinging his arms and I don’t want to get hit like when we were younger.

I don’t know if there’s much to be done about that tho. Is there any way to motivate my brother, how can tell my brother to think about his future. How can I talk to him in a way that he can hear me.   I am sorry if I used ableist language or phrases, if someone who is autistic or has autistic siblings can lend some advice, it would be appreciated   I want him to be able to live his life even without my mom.  Thank you.”

--

Thank you for writing in. This is a difficult situation to be in, and I hope I can offer at least some encouragement and some clarity, if not a solution.

I am autistic, and so is my brother. My brother is a little bit like yours, in that he doesn’t work and lives with my parents, while I’ve moved away. I’m older than him, though, and he may not care about my opinion about some things, but he doesn’t totally ignore me and he doesn’t physically intimidate me.

I have no idea if your brother’s life has been anything like mine, but I can tell you about the time I spent as an unemployed autistic young adult, living on my parents’ money. The main thing I can tell you is that all pressure from others to get a job or "think about my future" did was make me feel overwhelming panic. It may have seemed like I was living a carefree life but I was constantly aware that I wasn't living up to what a Good Normal Person was supposed to do, and the shame and anxiety that I felt about that were so severe that they prevented me from taking action to get a job or continue school. I tried, but most of the time, applying for jobs was so panic-inducing that I couldn’t force myself to do it.

I had no context for what work would be like, no framework to imagine what kind of job I would like or be good at. It was just a complete blank in my mind. I could not actually *want* a job, because I had no idea what it would be like- I couldn't even really imagine what having my own income would be like- which made it difficult cognitively to plan for getting one.

But also, in particular I had no conception of what a supervisor or coworker could be like other than someone who would judge me and hate me for not being normal. Looking at job postings all I could think about was how terrified I was of being judged and found inadequate. And whenever my parents or others tried to encourage me to apply for jobs, all I felt was that they were angry and disappointed with me for being a failure.

This was because most of my experience of interacting with people outside my family consisted of being bullied and socially isolated by my peers, and being mistreated by teachers. I was not able to get a job until I began to understand just how much I hated myself, why I felt that way, and how my ways of coping with (/hiding from) that feeling were limiting me. And even so, I'm certain I wouldn't have managed to apply for the first "real job" I did get except that I knew there wouldn't be an in-person interview.

I needed: 1. Self-knowledge, analysis of how I was feeling, where it came from and ways to cope with it 2. Concrete information, so that I could say "I could be good at this job" and actually believe it 3. And even with all that, I needed accommodations around the things that were most difficult and fraught for me (interviews).

Thinking back on my own experiences after I graduated from college, I'm really not sure there's anything my friends or family could have done to help me get a job sooner. There was a lot of internal work that I had to do just to be able to interact with people without being incapacitated by anxiety.

My path to getting a "real job" started with volunteer work, in which I learned skills that I was later able to get paid for, and became familiar with organizations that would hire me to do those things. That worked for me because 1. it was online, so it avoided some of the issues I had about meeting new people and talking to people in real time, and 2. I could essentially try out what it was like to have that job by volunteering, with no barrier to entry and no consequences if I decided to back out. That's the best advice I have for your brother- to sort of move laterally towards a paying job through volunteer work, topics he's already interested in, communities he's already connected to.

--

Finally, a word of caution. In your message you mention several different issues with your brother, and I think it's important to be clear about the distinctions between these different issues and why you're concerned about them.

Some of them are problems *for your brother* that don't directly affect you, but you're concerned on his behalf (his future financial security) Some of them *do* directly affect you (noisy stimming while you're trying to focus on school) Some of them aren't really direct, immediate problems for either of you, but they seem like bad things on general principle (being fat)

Our feelings about other people are naturally a mixture of reactions to many different things about them, but please be careful.

It may seem better or more justifiable to say that your brother needs to change for his own good, for the sake of his future, than to ask him to change because he's bothering you, but it's not better. Covering the one thing with the other minimizes your own needs and feelings, which deserve to be listened to and respected, and it makes your comfort and safety depend on controlling your brother's life to a degree that is beyond your right *or your ability* to control.

If he were a significantly different version of himself who had a full-time job and showered regularly and wasn't in your house all the time making you feel like you have no space to yourself, that would sure solve all your problems, but nothing you can do will make him become that person. You especially can’t fix him if you don't trust each other, like each other or listen to each other. Even if you could make him change somehow, it wouldn’t be your responsibility to fix his life for him. That’s a big burden to take on! What you can do, though, is recognize your own needs and find ways to stand up for them.

I don't think I have any really useful insight about getting your brother to take you seriously when you say he's making too much noise. I don't think that's an autism-specific problem. When people have been doing something a certain way for a long time, and it's always seemed to be okay, it can take some repetition to get them to understand that something is actually not okay and they need to change their behavior in the long term.

My advice is what I've heard general advice bloggers say about general interpersonal conflicts: talk to him about it *not* "in the moment" when he's being noisy and you're in class, but at a time when neither of you is stressed and you have time to discuss it. Bringing in other people (your mother?) to confirm that this is a significant problem may help. Still, you may have to repeat yourself a lot.

If your mother *won't* take your side, even for a very reasonable compromise like "do that stim somewhere else" or "at this specific time while I'm on a zoom call, do a different stim," then... that’s not fair to you, and maybe you should think about getting *yourself* out of this house instead of your brother.

The bottom line, I think, is that none of this should have to be your responsibility. You haven’t said your exact age, but you’re still in school. You deserve to be able to make setting *yourself* up for a good life your top priority. It’s good that you want to help your brother, but there may not be much that you can do- especially if he doesn’t *want* to listen to you. I think you should focus on taking care of yourself, and if that incidentally helps your brother or improves your relationship with him, that’s a bonus.

[paganchristian]

Well, I like this picture of my cat, with his tongue curled, so that’s why I’m posting it.  Coincidentally I just noticed that there’s some bucket with a picture of it looks like the three wise men, in the corner behind him.  I don’t have a ready interpretation of that as having any significance, but maybe it would if I tried, to find it.  Or just found meaning whether it was “meant to be”, regardless.  And when I am analyzing things for possible signs, I look at all kinds of random details.  That is just one potential one that pops out at me.  Sometimes I will analyze or go into meditative states and see what signs seem to pop out at me from whatever and wherever, or from particular things, that seem to be more fluid and abundant in the signs and feelings that they give to me.  Like, pictures, personal photographs of ours, that is one thing.  Anyway, ..

The tongue-curling, well, I call it that but maybe it’s something else, not quite a curling tongue, but it’s cute.  Curling your tongue, it reminds me of childhood as my sister could curl her tongue but I could only partially curl mine and it seemed as if she was happy that she could do that better than me, if I recall correctly.  Lol 

Anyway the silliness of making faces, and again here we are at childhood themed stuff, a recurrent theme for me.  

I am thinking of that because to me, it needs to be reminded of again and again and again because I keep on veering into the zone of worrying and thinking too Much!  I can worry again, what of my salvation or Hell, I can worry, what about my family and loved ones and my daughter’s salvation or Hell, and I can worry about all of the things that I think that these Christians in these groups I’m drawn to might think.. I can worry how they might condemn or argue or debate over this or that with me, if they were to tell me how they saw my life, my thoughts, my feelings and my experiences, my interpretations and so on.  I can think of all of the taboos I break that might send me to Hell in their eyes.  I can think about all of the criticisms I would make that might make me a big problem to them, an outsider, intruding, stirring up conflict.  But I can think of how I seem to need to express my problems I have with the things they do, because if I don’t’ do that then I feel repressed, self-destructive.  I need to talk about the harm that these things are causing my heart and mind and soul, so that I can think it out.  In the secluded, sequestered cloister of my own soul and my heart and my prayers to God, there is not enough conscious articulate  awareness.  I am trapped when I keep things there.  

But even these people say you need a spiritual guide, to tell all to, when you have conflict and confusion.  So they admit the need to talk things out.  But I will not do that, that is, have such a one-on-one spiritual guide as they say you need, for one, because I’m not even a member of any kind of church, where you would find your guide, nor do I feel I should be a member of the church either, because I don’t agree with all of the rules or beliefs that they require, and nor follow the rules they demand enough to belong there.  And I also don’t need a spiritual guide because I feel like it is very confining, and repressive, suffocating and controlling, the role it puts you in, if you have to depend on one person for all that, and if that person doesn’t really understand you and respect you and care about you and have compassion for you, if your situation goes way beyond what they can comprehend and know how to deal with, then you are likely to be judged, given wrong advice, given simplistic answers.  I don’t need that yet again, as my weird situation has over and over again been the source of great pain when I tried to seek others’ input, and they wrongly judged and wrongly advised me, and if you place all of that pressure and expectation upon one solitary person, it’s way too much build-up and commitment to someone who you’re just assuming will understand and be able to care for you in the way you need, and not actually harm you instead, as everyone else has done.  Some helped me, but mostly everyone has harmed me as much as they helped or harmed me way more than they helped me. 

Anyway, I just want to forget all this feeling that I need to think and worry about that, any of that.  Can’t I just think about practical obvious real world grounded life?  Of course, and I think that is really what God wants me to do right now.  I have health problems and my family does too, and I can address them to the best of my ability.  I can try to think of how to connect to family members so that neither one of us is as lonely and isolated, and so that I will hopefully take small steps to learn, bit by bit, how to be more social, so that I can also have that skill for whenever I might need it in my life in the future, and I’m not completely isolated from every person who is not in my immediate family.  I can teach my daughter the social habits and mannerisms and views and skills I gain.  So that she will learn how to make the most of these things and not just be one more isolated, self-absorbed, lonely person who cannot find any way to connect to others.  Who can find what to appreciate and find what there is in common that is truly relatable and worthwhile.  Not that awkward feeling of forced and painful seeking solace and validation in others, when it’s not authentic and not true.  Not that because that leads to a worse kind of loneliness that just being alone, oftentimes.  But in spite of all the differences and the lack of ability to relate, still being able to find something that makes interacting worthwhile and meaningful and rewarding so we’re not so totally alone in this world, and so we have more than just our immediate family, who after all might not always be there one day.

What is it that makes me feel like I need to settle all these debates and these crises and dramas and threats regarding religion and spirituality?  I think it’s only the voices of echoed memories of things I’ve read and heard and been told, that others have said, don’t do this, you can’t do this, you must do this, or you will be lost, you are wrong, you will go to Hell, etc, etc.  And I should know that I have to live my actual life and I can’t get lost in these never-ending debates while my life goes astray or  gets stuck in degenerating cycles, where I can’t get anywhere because there is no one to talk to, no clear answer, no honest straightforward discussion of my points, not the time and emotional and mental energy to think it all through, anyway.  

I just have to remember how to let it all go.  But excessive prayer and spiritual reading do  not help me with that, at all.  I seem to need to deeply distract myself from the majority of religious stuff, and only keep a bare minimum of practices.

Every day is so full of miracles, signs, coincidences, and special, unique moments.  Rare things happen all of the time, every day, to everyone.  But each rare thing only happens rarely, just like the many wildflowers blooming and so on, each blooming only a short time.  But because we realize they’re ordinary, because they’re not totally unheard of, we shove them aside, as if they’re not very important and yet that is where I find all of my inspiration, all my signs, usually.  In things that appear so ordinary even though they’re not as ordinary as they seem, at all, if you look at all the connecting coincidences, associations and synchronicities going on, all the different events that happen in a short time, in my mind, my dreams, my feelings and thoughts and ideas and little things that happen in my life and they all start to connect, in so many ways.  Ways that are easy for someone to deny because they could just be coincidence but when you accept that coincidence can be meaningful even if it seems likely and not that rare, then you at  that point, you have opened the door to a great world of wonder and joy and amazement, ideas, and insights that can change everything in your existence.  

So why can’t I just let God talk to me like that?  Why can’t I just let God talk to me through the feelings, the dreams, the visions and psychic impressions, and let that be his gift and guidance, in addition to my constant prayer, without going more formally into all the practices and beliefs they say I have to follow?  

And the only reason shy I couldn’t do that would be is if I agreed to go along with what they say.  What humans have made into traditions over time, and rules and so forth.  And though they say it’s all God’s rules, and God’s demands he put on us, well, how can I assume such?  When following those very rules is trapping me into a feeling of dissociated anxiety that prevents me doing real things that are good for clear, important actions of love and caring?  When escapism and playfulness and daydreaming are healing me way more than prayers and religious practices would?  Then what?  I guess that is up for me to decide, because it is my life and I am the only one who can decide what I’ll believe about what I should do, and how, and why, and when.  

What I can do, or can’t do, can believe or can’t believe. Even when I’ve asked God to help me believe and help me do these practices and it’s not working very well and he instead seems to be telling me to go do my escapist things, to just have fun.  And I pray all the while I’m doing these fun and escapist things, so it’s not like I’m leaving God behind.  God is in the fun and escapism and daydreaming.  

It will have to be ok, for now, because I think I will drive myself crazy and waste a horrifying amount of time if I try to worry about all the ways I’m supposedly wrong and must follow rules according to certain Christians, but can’t follow them.  No I just can’t let my life fall apart while I worry about such things.  

I feel like maybe the reason that religious rules are so rigid is that people are creatures of habit.  They are easily distressed if their rules and patterns are disrupted and so they create rules to represent their habits they want or choose to follow.  It doesn’t need to make total sense or work all the time, it just needs to be a consistent habit for them.  And then, the reason they get so upset  when they see others doing differently or when they hear others arguing against their rules is because it makes them start to feel doubt over their habits.  They really want to cling to those habits and they can’t stand doubt to be cast on them.  People are so fragile, so easily upset in their sense of self-image and personal sense of purpose and validity, thinking they have a right to be the way they are, or thinking they are good enough, as so on.  When someone starts to do things differently, they are so fragile, they start to think that if that person is doing things differently, maybe my way isn’t good and theirs is the better or the only good way.  But when people have developed rigid habits, and they prop up their religious and moral identity on them, they are very fragile if they feel that someone’s different way of doing things might be better and might show that their way is wrong.  I think that this also might account for the rampant conformity and judgmental attitudes and us vs. them mentalities that are so prevalent in human societies, even over things that absolutely don’t make any sense at all.  So you have people getting all uptight over the way others’ dress and it’s not a matter of say, indecency or offensiveness, or anything, or you have people who are judgmental about all kinds of trivial things and get very cruel and divisive over these things.

Then funny thing is that I see this behavior in my daughter, or rather, I see the insecurity that she has, when we do things differently or ask her to do something differently or ask shy she did something a certain way, and it’s not even like we are at all judgmental or harsh.  We are extremely respectful, open minded, understanding, positive, supportive parents and have always been and she is not around another negative input in that way.  We are both weird, too, and not conformists in our ways of acting so she’s not learning that from us either, and we aren’t around anyone else who would affect her in that way. 

I think it’s an instinct, to be overreactive to these things and insecure.  I have been noticing behaviors like this among others too, and how people oftentimes seem to easily upset and disrupted in their beliefs, their feelings, and their attitudes, and the least little thing from others makes them feel insecure or offended or hurt or confused, and so that might explain why religions sometimes are so controlling and fixated on every little detail of peoples’ lives even when those rules don’t always make sense or work and aren’t even possible.  And why some of these religious groups try to stamp out dissent and threaten you if you dare criticize anyone.   Because they are scared the sense of unity and harmony and confidence will be disrupted and people will lose their fragile sense of confidence in the religions.  

It’s repressive, but so are people’s mindsets and they can’t handle the least rocking the boat, and I on the other hand feel like I’m living in a stormy sea and my boat can’t not rock, but I don’t fit in with those who have to have all these rules.  I have to make my own rules or guidelines.  Maybe I do recall times in my life when I had a greater need for that kind of conformity and unity of identity and behavior with the others in my group, because I was so lost and confused but that was signal to me of what to do, what to think, what to believe and what to feel, when I was totally at a loss otherwise.  But now I can’t do it anymore.  My life demands a much more individualistic, outside the rules and lines approach.  I would become extremely mentally ill or even lose my mind, and make myself miserable if I even tried to be so silent and conforming and so approving and positive to the things that cause m great harm and need to be spoken openly about, even if only in the privacy of a blog that is still not completely private, so I feel like I'm not suffocated into total submission and repression, as if my human life and reality did not need and deserve to be cared about or noticed and given a voice, among other humans. 

[game-dev-duo]

The process and completion of the dialogue box.

~ Hello there! Tokki here ~ Recently I completed the dialogue box asset, so I thought it'd be interesting to share what the very first prototype looked like! As well as share the concept art with you. The prototype was made in the quest to really jump into the game and then start developing it from there, it was a starting point. We knew we wanted our game to have dialogue and the ability to speak with different characters, so that's where we began. At first, I made a mock-up with it and then I provided Crisp with a blank version so that he could begin coding a dialogue system. It started off as green because that's both Crisp and I's favourite colour. The characters used for the demonstrations are currently my original characters, I'm using them as placeholders until we have official character portraits of our own characters. Tabitha was used at first, however, once a core aesthetic was decided Vivian made for a better placeholder visually. ( Thank you for your initial help though, Tabi! ) From then on, we started to discuss what kind of themes we wanted to have and what setting it would be in. After that, I started to have a lot of ideas in my head about what it would look like visually and decided on a specific, cohesive aesthetic. A victorian-inspired journal/diary. So I started to doodle until I fell in love with the look of something, and that's where the concept art was chosen as something to model off of. Part of my artistic process is working until I love what I've made, if I don't feel anything then it's not right yet. And if I've been working on it for a long time and I still feel nothing, I know it's time for me to change directions and try again. The chain was incorporated as part of an idea I had, where based upon the player's progress/relationship with the character they were speaking to, the chain would gradually weaken until it fell apart. It would have been to give the player a sense of progress, a reward for their work once it fell and a visual metaphor of the storyline. Ultimately, I decided that it was visually disruptive and based on the nature of a dialogue box, it would have just covered up the dialogue text. I think it was a neat idea, but I just didn't care for it and it would have posed a lot of problems. Honestly, though, I do much prefer how it looks without the chain. When I was working on creating the official, polished asset, I ended up adding some nice detailing on the golden frames as I wanted to give it a really unique character/style. If the story ends up in the direction that Crisp and I spoke of, the detailing will be visually representative of some of the story's concepts! At first, the assets did not have any shadows around them but I later added them to make them able to retain visual strength and not have any difficulty with the background art that was to be added in future. It shouldn't blend in, but it also shouldn't stand out. The shadows also helped to make sure everything was visually consistent as the selection boxes I later made also have them. ( Something I heard whilst researching UI was that what makes a good UI, in a way, is that it isn't noticeable at all. It should be so seamless and pleasant to interact with that it's something a player barely notices. ) I later took a ridiculous ( maybe to some ) amount of time deciding on the fonts. I'm very happy with the selection I made! I'm glad I spent so long on it, after all, I believe every single thing matters and adds to the visuals of a game. I believe that the right font can help make a game whilst the wrong one can help break it. ( I'm talking about you, comic sans. ) One font I really loved for the name title didn't have the right licences so unfortunately, I had to remove it and replace it with a different one. I wasn't sure about it at first but after I gave it some time, it grew on me! I really feel it adds to the victorian feel, I wanted to give the player the sense that they've 'been formally invited' to the location the game takes place in. I feel as though the nameplate feels like it honours the

characters that are speaking. Something about that pretty, gold, handwritten calligraphy feels special to me. I've been researching like my life depends on it, trying to learn as much as I can about UI design and UX and in my research, I came across a UI/UX designer that said there should be around 15-26 words per dialogue box because it's far easier on the reader. And it also allows the characters more chance to use different expressions alongside their dialogue. This totally opened my eyes as it was something I hadn't thought of before, and he's right! My prototypes were far too dialogue-heavy, so I resized the box to be smaller and that ended up making it look a lot more visually appealing, too. I was unsure about the character portrait sizes so I took a look at lots of visual novel games to see what they had done and I realised that my characters were scaled far too small. I personally didn't love the sizes that most games chose to go with, I find them to cover up too much of the screen, so I decided to go with my own in between. Not too big and not too small. The last thing I'd like to talk about is the indicator! After staring at our mock-ups intently for far too long, I couldn't help but feel as though something was missing like I could add one last thing to really perfect it. The cherry on top. And then it occurred to me that we're going to use an indicator to indicate that the dialogue is finished and you can click to see the next dialogue. So I played around with it for a bit and then I had the perfect idea! A quill!! What better way to add to the visuals of the dialogue box than to make the indicator a feather quill. I'm ridiculously in love with this detail and think it's the best idea I've had so far, haha. Sorry to write such a long post, but this is the first update I have and a lot ( not a ton but a significant amount ) has happened since the game's inception. My next updates should be a lot shorter, I just wanted to take you through the process and progress of how we've gotten to the place we are now. One thing I'd like to mention though is how important these small things are to me. I really truly believe that every single detail is incredibly important and that's why I take it all equally as seriously as I would with any other aspect of the game. I believe it all adds up eventually. If every single thing shines as an individual, the whole thing can shine together to make something beautiful. Every single thing is part of the game, so every single thing should be treated with care. I want that to show. I want the player to be able to look at this game and see straight away that a lot of love and effort went into it. Thank you for your time reading this, I hope you have a wonderful day and I hope that it was of some interest to you! ~ Tokki 🌸