#one tried to diagnose me with something i obviously didn't have

[edenfoxi]

In my time of having like 15 different therapists in my 21 years on this planet I'm surprised only 2 of them were kinda shitty. Though considering I only saw some of these therapists once is probably the reason I only had 2 off ones.

Also why do bad therapists always be the worst people ever? Do they put effort into being the worst??? Because it seems like they do.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for lying to my friends and causing someone to end their life?

🫐☎️🧼 

So I can find this later

Trigger warning for suicide. 

In this situation I'm aware I fucked up badly multiple times, but I want to know for sure whether I was in the wrong. I went through the FAQ to check that this submission is okay and sorry if there's something disqualifying it I didn catch!

I (minor) was active in an online group where I made some online friends. The group was for preteens, teens, and very young adults (13-21.) I befriended one person, Blueberry (fake name, because emoji) and we became close over a few months. At one point they admitted they had a crush on me I didn't feel the same, but we agreed to stay friends and it didn't affect the friendship.

One thing about this group is that it was aimed at mental health. Me and this person had similar problems with depression and suicidal thoughts (both actively suicidal) and often talked when one of us was in a dark place. When Blueberry turned 18 things took a turn for the worst. Multiple times a week they had panic attacks (they were in the process of getting diagnosed with OCD and bad intrusive thoughts) or crisis and attempted several times. I got overwhelmed. Instead of establishing a boundary like I should have, I started ghosting them for a few hours if it got too bad. It got to the point I'd log on once or twice a day to check in, but instead of ever chatting, the conversation always ended in their next plan to kill themselves. This one was my fault, as we'd had casual convos about this stuff in the main group. I and others did what we could to help, like providing support and helplines. Blueberry did contact many and it saved them lots. 

By this point Blueberry had done lots of other risky stuff. They lashed out and blocked a lot of mutual friends, made a fake account to pretend to be a young teen at one point (but deleted it when I asked), and other things. I didn't want to lose them as a friend so I covered for Blueberry when it was exposed. I should point out Blueberry was never mean to me they were really nice. They liked to learn about my interests and complimented me and others lots and I tried to do the same (learn about what they liked, tell them I was happy to hear from them, etx)

Obviously people of the group felt betrayed when they found out Blueberry was catfishing them as this younger teen. In Blueberry's own words, I was "the only one they could trust." Blueberry admitted again that they wanted to be more than friends, but since they were now 18 and I was still a few years younger than them I asked to just be friends because the age gap was uncomfy. They were okay with it. The next day, Blueberry said goodbye to me and deleted their account. I was really upset by this and we talked one last time where I wished them well and said how much I'd miss them but didn't think something was seriously wrong because Blueberry and me had discussed them leaving the group before because it was hurting their mental health. 

Later a friend of both Blueberry and me reached out about their behavior the days before they left and some conversations I hadn't seen. All of us are pretty sure they didn't just delete their account—they killed themself. The goodbye message proved this. I was upset and angry that they were dead, said sorry to the group for lying to them about Blueberry catfishing, and left the group.

I think I may be the asshole here because I was really selfish here in not wanting to address Blueberry's really creepy catfishing (pretending to be a young teen, which knowing that they had romantic feelings for me could have led to them befriending people lots younger than them which is bad) because I didn't want to lose the friendship, and also because if I hadn't ghosted Blueberry using mental health as an excuse I don't think they would have killed themselves. If I am the asshole here, what could I do better next time if I have a similar problem again? 

[waddleonmywaywardducks]

Practicing with adhd.... (A kinda long commentary on how to work with ADHD in your practice instead of against it)

(disclaimer: I'm making this post as someone who has a struggled with ADHD. In no way am I glorifying mental illness or symptoms of mental illness. This is just something I've dealt with all my life and i know other people have too. I'm just posting my own experience and advice. You do not have to use this at all.)

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was either 7 or 9 and have been struggling with it ever since, idk why I never grew out of it. Over the years of practicing, I've encountered a lot of practitioners with the same problem as me, only all of their advice was to try to get rid of ADHD has much as possible, well I tried that, I'm still the same. But that's just it, ADHD is apart of me, whether I like it or not. For years, I've always hated my ADHD, I constantly feel stupid, childish, and not responsible, but I am, I just need to work with my ADHD instead of around it. And that my friends is what Im going to teach you all here today, so grab a nice comfort TV show and a fidget bc your ADHD ass WILL READ THIS POST!!!!!!!!

My biggest problem with adhd and witchcraft

honest to the Gods, my biggest problem has got to be that witchcraft isnt dogmatic, you aren't going to get a rule book, there is no duality, you pick what's right from wrong, you make your practice your own. I had such a hard time figuring that out because I'm a very hands on learner. I grew up in a Christian household, most historical events that I wanted to research I could read in the Bible, or go to a church, or if I wanted to find community to help me figure out where to go well....it's basically all around me. But we don't have that with witchcraft. We only have ourselves (unless you were born into pagan/witchy family then lucky you I guess 😭😭). So obviously the only thing we can do is research.

"but omg chaos,,, I can't research I have executive dysfunction!"

I understand. Executive dysfunction is so weird why do humans have this??? Why was this built into my system??? Anyways, the best advice I can give you for executive dysfunction is that you can either go one of two ways:

1.) while you are laying in bed, cursing yourself to get up and do something. At least do something, but you just can't. That's ok. Dont beat yourself up about it, honestly the more you do that the more you're not going to want to do it. Allow yourself to be like this, allow yourself to just lay there. If you need to give offerings but you just can't get up, say sorry out loud, I always find that this brings me comfort and that my deities will know I'm truly sorry. Then forget about it, now it's time to allow yourself to just be. And then you wait until you find the strength to do it. That's it. Just be.

2.) you're laying in bed and you really need to give offerings to your deities. Get up. Just do it. Immediately once you have the thought in mind don't even think about it just do it. I know this doesn't work 100% of the time but it does for me. So 🤷

"how do I know if my practice is my own or if it's just a hyper-fixation?"

OK OK. I don't know anyone else who has this struggle but I have. When I started out, I was just a bright eyed kid filled with questions about the "unholy". I really started practicing when I was like 13-15. During these times, I didn't know how strong my hyper-fixation was with Greek mythology and religion until I fell out of that fixation. It was very disappointing to see myself gain so much momentum only to come crashing down. One thing that helped me decipher whether my practice was my own or not was simply asking questions to myself about my own beliefs and upg. If I couldn't answer these questions then I knew I wasn't really practicing I was just researching. Without my own experience, my own UPG, my spells weren't working correctly, and my rituals were failing. If there is no emotion behind it for me then the spell is just a bunch of herbs in a bottle.

"I struggle with grounding and meditation, how can I become better at that?"

Firstly, I need people to realize that I don't believe there is one right way to meditate. For me, starting out, I listened to guided meditations which helped me A LOT. Guided meditations I feel like are really slept on but I got a lot of communication done with my deties through this way, I met one of my guides this way bro. Another way you could do is laying down. As long as you are allowing yourself time to get into the meditative state, and if you can't, oh well, don't beat yourself up about, you can always try again.

"I have trouble remembering herb properties, correspondences, and holidays"

Write. Everything. down. Every spell you've ever created, every experience you have with your deties, every tarot card reading. Write it all down. Cross-research everything until something sticks. Give up the idea that grimoires need to look a certain way or give off a certain vibe. Just start writing shit down. In any book.

How I work with ADHD in my practice

Have you guys ever seen those post, I think they were floating around here around like 2019 or 2020?? They we're like "spells to get rid of ADHD" or "spells to get rid of depression" and shit like that. Yeah, I never understood those. I don't understand why we are treating these illnesses/disabilities like they are monsters?? I hate the ideology that all illnesses are bad, because yeah they impose a great risk to our health, but we can always look on the brighter side of things. My ADHD allows me to feel more deeply, because of this I feel connected to the gods always. My ADHD makes me passionate about my Interests in the gods, my ADHD can work with me.

Some ways I work with ADHD in my practice is by making a schedule and sticking to it but a bigger importance to that is recognizing when I need a break. During days that are dedicated to the gods, or holidays, I often times have a big thing planned that might take up a lot of energy. I allow myself breaks with things that aren't witchcraft related at all, then when I'm ready I pick it back up from where I left off.

I honestly think if you are reading this and you're like "yeah maybe I should start working with my ADHD instead of against it....but none of this stuff is hitting for me."

Then I advice you to look at your own symptoms and try to see if you can find any way you can work with yourself. For example, if one of my symptoms was that I was impulsive, one thing I would do is dedicate something impulsive to one of my gods. Like dying my hair, going out of town for the night, getting drunk on a Tuesday afternoon (keep it stable buddy.), who gives a fuck. You are using your symptoms in a way that works with it instead of against it.

In conclusion....

I've had this post in mind for a while I just never had the words for it until now, and I still don't even know if this makes sense😭😭 I just hope to help atleast someone (it's 3 am and I literally decided to write this like....20 minutes ago.) this post was also me bashing on people who think ADHD is "all bad." Anyways, if anyone has any other advice or suggestions on how to work with ADHD, please leave them in the comments! I would love to get as much advice from adhd practitioners as I can! Alright I'm going to sleep now

[fandomhype]

Plagiarism Somerton

I obviously didn't watch the new James Somerton apology video ON his channel because I did not want to give that man the views and you shouldn't either! It has been re-uploaded and summarised elsewhere so that he doesn't benefit if anyone wants to see it.

The original hbomberguy video was wild to me because of all the stealing, I found it highly entertaining, loved all the Memes and it honestly did my imposter syndrome wonders! but then I watched the Todd in the shadows video and it really upset me.

He didn't just steal from other LGBT creators he lied to his mostly young LGBT audiance who were looking to an elder gay for guidance and to learn about their history.

Todd's video starts with a clip of James lies being spread by another person on a podcast, there's clips of people discussing his made up gay nazi fanfic he has presented as hard facts. He actively harmed his own community for cash! There are young gay men bringing that subject up in conversation being laughed at for falling for it and that leaves a really bad taste in my mouth.

Now I'm not a part of that community but a lot of people I love are so that angered me a lot.

...and then he comes back with another apology video, conveniently within the three months he would have had to post something on his channel to retain his monetisation status weirdly?! In which he blames both a head injury and his ADHD for his theft - at no point does he address the lying in either apology video or any of the apology posts he made that I could find.

I have combined ADHD, when I was first diagnosed the NHS referred to it as ADD with Hyperactivity element but everyone seems to have gone back to calling it ADHD and that is the term used most commonly online so that is what I refer to it is as.

I am medicated but there has been a world wide shortage of my medication and I was without it for some time over winter, which was HELL! I got nothing done.

I am in no way a big creator, Youtube for me is a fun wee hobby that will hopefully grow and allow me to collaborate with other people with similar interests but ADHD is for sure a large part of my journey as a creator.

I've published like 7 videos and currently have around 10 being worked on because, you know... ADHD! *siren noises*

I know that I am forgetful sometimes, just for the record I also had several head injuries and concussions as a child because Lil undiagnosed at the time me truly had no fear of climbing or other dangerous activities so I have my script (because free talking a subject with this brain would be nearly impossible) open in one google doc and my research open in another. It's not hard.

That's the way it was at school, college and Uni too. James claims he went to Uni to do business. Every university uses anti-plagerism software for essays and has done since like the mid 2000's? so he knows not to copy pasta. He's straight up lying there.

Another thing he's lying about is his ADHD making him forget he copied things. Now if you tell me a joke that I like it'll stick in my head and I will straight up tell it as my own later, I've been called out for this many times! But entire articles? whole sections of other peoples videos? (he also flipped a fan Vid he had ripped off of another YouTube to avoid detection and tried to pass it off as his own) No that's not something you can accidentally do even with a swiss cheese brain like mine.

Weirdly all the the paragraphs James claims he accidentally copied were also edited to remove aspects of the Trans, Bi and Ace experiences that James markedly does not believe exist. Strange considering he accidentally copied them and assumed they were his own words? Imagine going back through a paragraph you think you wrote yesterday in the edit the next day and finding swarths of things you don't agree with there?!

Why am I telling you all this? Well because I wanted to put my two cents in as a creator with this condition, partly because I felt it was somewhat of an attack on us!? He's put it out there that ADHD creators are liable to steal from others and that's not ok by me. Also I just really like the sound of my own typing!

TL;DR : James Sommerton is a suck ass liar and he doesn't get to use his disability as an excuse for what he did! and...

****** ADHD DOES NOT MAKE YOU STEAL SHIT!!! ******

Also watch Todd's Vid, everyone saw the Hbomberguy one but this one goes deeper:

[glitterypopcorn]

my parents used to be so busy man. like i'd go to school and then be one of the last people, often the last person, to be picked up at aftercare. my mom would drive me home and id wait 30 minutes to two hours for my dad to come back home. i got home at 6-7 pm.

my dad left for work before i left for school during elementary school and there were days when i'd beg him not to go to work because i knew he'd be gone for so long.

my parents didn't work from home.

we didn't spend enough time together. on the weekends my dad would take me to starbucks to get cake pops and a chocolate croissant for my mom. when i was diagnosed with celiac, i stopped going. what was the point? i cant eat cake pops. they have gluten.

sometimes i tried talking to my mom. a lot of the time my dad told me not to bother her because she's working. i stopped bothering her after a bit.

my dad does most of the household chores. he cooks for everyone. he was often in a bad mood from work and so whenever i annoyed him while he was cooking or doing work at home, he yelled at me. eventually the yelling became mutual and, according to them at the time, i started yelling first.

i spent a lot of time on screens at home. it was the only thing that really entertained me and my parents didn't have the time to stop me.

my temper got worse. i yelled at my dad every day when he woke me up. i still begged him not to leave for work.

then, covid 19 happened.

i spent all my time at home. my skin became very, very pale. my screen usage spiked.

school on zoom was hell. i couldn't focus at all. my dad was in the kitchen, typing on his computer with a very very loud computer. eventually, he moved to the basement because of how distracting it was. whenever my parents would come up or down the stairs to the main floor where i was working, i'd yell at them and they'd yell back. i didn't want to interact with them at all.

i snuck my screens at night so my dad locked them up in a briefcase. that broke eventually, and he resorted to just using the time limit feature on all my devices.

after a while of this, i was diagnosed with adhd, social anxiety, and depression. i can't remember the order.

after quarantine was over, we resumed life as normal. we still wear masks in public to this day because covid is still a thing, obviously, and my mom has an autoimmune issue thingy. we don't want her getting it.

my dad drove me to school. i only had to go to aftercare on fridays, but eventually, the aftercare stopped entirely. my parents tried spending more time with me, but i refused unless they forced me. i would scream and cry every time they made me leave the house for something that wasn't school.

i've gotten better with new meds and all that, but it's still hard.

i get annoyed every time my mom tells me to do something or even just talks to me at all. i text the family group chat very dryly. i keep forgetting to be nice. when i remember, i am literally unable to be. i'm assuming it's my subconscious because my dad used to yell at me so frequently and scared me more than my mom, although when she does yell it's terrifying. that's probably why i get less angry at my dad. but i don't think it's just that because when my dad talks to me i don't feel annoyed at all, whereas my mom talking to me makes me enraged.

i think her voice is a major part. i've encountered like 4 other women who have a similar tone of voice to her when talking to me - my first therapist, my second therapist, a camp counselor, and the woman at that godawful occupational therapy place. won't be talking about that place here . maybe i'll make a post about it later. maybe i already did and i forgot . anyway. i dislike all of those women.

my mom's trying her best.

i feel like how they treated me before covid contributes greatly to how i treat them now. idk. i'm also kinda spoiled and assume i can get what i want because they gave me what i wanted so frequently, and still do a lot of the time.

anyway! i wouldn't call my parents neglectful because i had everything i needed to survive, but still .

/also my mom's mother died when she was 12 and her father was very neglectful, so i think that she's trying to make up for how she used to be and make sure she's not like her father. i'd say she's overbearing, but she really isn't since she barely talks to me so i don't yell as much. it feels that way to me i guess

uhhh idk why they love me i cost them so much and don't tell them anything but :3

[lionheartslowstart]

POA

Something happened recently that has caused me to confront the fact that I am truly disabled. It's not that I didn't know I was, of course I have since the autism diagnosis, but I really, and I mean really, got hit in the face with it.

I'll explain.

I can't go into too much detail regarding the actual circumstances, but the long and short of it is that I had to give my parents power of attorney in order to solve a housing issue. I trust parents completely and I know it's not something they would ever abuse. They made it clear to me that should I ever want to dissolve it, we could do that, and that the sole purpose for getting it was to avoid any houses issues now and in the future.

We had to go to a lawyer's office to sign the document and have it notarized. It was all very official. Afterwards, I drove home, sat on my bed, and just cried.

When I received the autism diagnosis, I was diagnosed with Level 1 autism. Autism is divided into 3 different levels. However, in my research, these levels seem to pertain strictly to social skills. In this way, yes, I am a Level 1 autistic. But if we're talking about "functionality," I'm not so sure I can qualify as Level 1 anymore. (Seriously, why IS it split by social ability? That's stupid.)

I'm 30 years old, and I'm still financially dependent on my parents. At this point in my life, I can't work a full time job. As a result, I will never be financially independent, and I will never be able to afford housing on my own. I say "at this point," because maybe one day that will change, but I doubt it. And for the record, I count myself lucky I can at least work a part time job, because 85% of autistics can't work at all.

Autism is a developmental disability, and I feel that as I'm getting older, it's become more obvious. Because I'm staying the same. I mean, obviously not completely the same. I've learned and grown and matured, and my friends who have known me for over a decade always comment on how much I've changed, but that's not what I mean. I mean that I feel like an adult and a child at the same time. I mean there are certain things I can't DO, certain things I can't retain or process, because my brain just won't let me. For example, I can't set up health insurance by myself. Every time my mom tries to explain it to me, my brain glazes over. That's the best way I can explain it. And I swear, I am trying SO hard to pay attention. I can't help it. My brain just...won't.

If this is what my life looks like when I'm 30, what is it going to look like when I'm 50? 60? 70? Not good. Not a good quality of life at all.

I'm so jealous of my friends and family. I don't understand how they do it. Even my other autistic friends are able to work full time or go to school full time without incident. (I did go to college full time but I almost ended myself like 3 times and I had to take a LOT of time off throughout.) It makes me feel guilty and bad. Like a loser. A failure. And yes, I know that autism can look different in everyone. I guess this is just one of the ways it affects me personally. But even so, it's painful to watch everyone around you be fully independent, and for whatever reason that's just not you. I mean, I'm independent in other ways. I can live by myself, make my own appointments, work part-time, and form meaningful relationships. I'm really trying to focus on those things instead, but it's been difficult to stay positive. I feel like financial independence is pretty major.

I want to interject here and say that I am insanely grateful to my parents. I know how blessed I am. They are my biggest supporters, both emotionally and financially. They love me so much, and if I didn't have them I'm certain I'd be homeless, probably long dead. I know that most people don't have parents like mine, let alone autistic people. I thank them all the time and tell them how guilty I feel and reassure them that I'm not lazy or spoiled, that I take their support very seriously. And they always assure me that they know, and not to worry about it, and they just want me to be happy.

But I do worry about it. My parents have wasted so much money on keeping me alive, it makes me physically ill. If I wasn't around, they'd have more money in their pockets for other things. They wouldn't have to worry about me all the time. I genuinely feel like they'd be better off without me, at least in the long run.

Like I said, the thoughts have been real dark lately, y'all. I've been extremely depressed since we instated the POA. This is my reality.

I don't know if my friends will still want to be friends with me in 10 years. Even my autistic friends. I don't like that I'll most likely never be financially independent. It is my greatest shame and I wish so badly it wasn't true.

People who insist autism is a fad and that people fake it for attention or whatever can eat my entire ass.

I would do anything, and I mean anything, to not be autistic.

[sanityshorror]

tw: anorexia but it's funny and has to do with my recovery progress and a good thing (I'm in recovery and encourage anyone struggling with any eating disorder to recover)

I genuinely am in tears from laughter right now due to something I just realized😭 (the following is all /Serious /genuine /positive)

My favorite 'safe foods' right now are fucking tacos, creamed corn and creamed goddamn spinach - all with extra cheese. It's been all I've been able to eat 75% of the time for the past half year😭 Obviously, only eating your safe foods is not good no matter what it is because it's still extremely disordered. But it's so fucking funny to me though also gives me a feeling of making significant progress recovering (especially after the very bad relapse I had 1.5 years ago and am still clawing my way out of) because it's like, I'm terrified to eat an apple because 'mUh cALoRiEs' but I can and did just eat 5 small tacos WITH EXTRA CHEESE in FIVE MINUTES?!?! Im proud of myself though for this progress because it wasn't even until 2022 that I could eat cheese without doing Bad Things™ to 'reverse it'. Three years ago my diet was 98% only apples and saltines (and I was absolutely miserable, in a constant Brain Fog¹⁰ and literally slowly dying. I never want to be living like that again because it was not living) but now I'm like.... running away from apples cuz my illness lies to me and tries to convince me that it will make me 🫨 gain weight 🫨 but when I make tacos like I just did..... Bro I just ate FIVE that may as well have been soaked in cheese..one could say..😭😭😭😭 WHAT THE FUCK 😭 this is just further proof to me that my anorexia has legitimately no basis in reality and you know what....? I'M GONNA GO EAT THAT APPLE NOW!!!

a bit of context: I was been medically diagnosed with anorexia at 13 years old but apparently I was a picky eater from day one and developed noticeably disordered eating when I was 6 years old. I'm 26 now, and I've spent the last 20 years of my life panicking over the idea of doing what I just did aka literally eating 5 tacos in 5 minutes WITH EXTRA CHEESE but guess what? I DID IT!! I FUCKING DID IT AND DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT UNTIL AFTER!!! AND I'M NOT UPSET EITHER!!! AHHHH😭🥹🥹🥹💖💖💖💖

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I've been feeling inclined to vent about the general concept of "substance use" and "dependency" recently for no particular reason, and it's probably just my own brain finally processing some of the things that happened to me in The Bad Times but what the hell lets go with it.

I was pretty much straight edge until my mid 20s, no alcohol, cigarettes, weed, nothing. Then I got into a series of abusive relationships, nearly died of Mystery Diseases, and a pandemic happened right after. My life went from barely getting by in the world to bouncing between constant crises overnight. I was in therapy and had been for years, I had self care tools and was using them. I was medicated for all of my diagnosed mental health needs (ADHD wasn't on the record yet, so was still unmanaged, but I was doing my best behaviorally to keep on top of shit, obviously that stopped working fast). I worked full time plus going to school part time plus working part time at my internship for a grand total of about 90 hrs per week of work/school related obligations. I lived with several other people who I worked to support financially and who I needed to also support emotionally, and I still managed to run my household for the most part with minimal support except from wifey who was also working about 60-70 hour weeks at her own job to help us make ends meet and was only barely medicated and managed herself. I genuinely don't know when I slept or rested.

The first thing I tried was weed. I used edibles to sleep without nightmares or the anxieties that would keep me up for the rare few hours I had to rest. It also helped with the constant pain I was in. I would get high as fuck on a weed brownie or a pre roll on the one day off I had each month so I didn't have to think or feel or exist because it was the only way I could find to genuinely relax anymore without worrying about the growing mountain of Life Responsibilities that I could never catch up on. Life eased a bit, and I kept doing that.

One day, I had a rare night off, and wifey was going to go out to a club with some friends. I hadn't been anywhere fun in years. I hadn't had time or money or energy. I was desperate to see people and relax and maybe sance a little. A pandemic was on, and the local clubs were having discounts like mad. We went and got shitfaced on cocktails that cost less than lunch at a diner for a round and I made out with a cute girl and I came home laughing for the first time in years. From then on, we would keep a cheap six pack of something in the fridge and every once in a while I would down 2-3 and get fucked up for a bit between that and the weed. Life felt a bit easier and I kept going.

But behind the scenes the cracks kept forming. It wasn't the substances that were causing them. And they weren't even what was making it worse. But they were letting me pretend those cracks weren't there. Letting me run from a reality I knew I couldn't fix. By the time I realized how bad things had gotten, how deep into the pit I was, I was living in a tent in the woods, cooking my dinners on a campfire with my family, throwing back weed and cheap booze like my life depended on it because god what the fuck else do you have when a creek and a rainstorm are the closest you get to a shower and your bed is a pile of blankets in a military surplus tent with all the warm bodies piled together so you don't fucking freeze at night?

I was still working full time though, and for those hours, I had to be sober. No if ands or buts about it. And I was okay with that line, even if it left me riddled with anxiety and trauma and stress 16 hours a day while I worked my doubles in the ER and came home to try and scrub the COVID off in the creek before I went back to the tent. And then a coworker asked me if I wanted to join her on a cigarette break. I did. I desperately wanted to feel normal. To chitchat and talk about nothing important, and feel the breeze on my face. So I bummed a cigarette and smoked with her. That one cigarette became 3 a day. Then 6. Then, a whole pack. A nervous habit of sucking on a cigarette or a vape whenever I needed to fidget or relax while still being sober. It's been 3 years now and I've tried to quit half a dozen times but here I am in my fucking home office pulling on a cigarette like it's my last hope of comfort.

I don't drink anymore though. My body won't let me. Blah blah allergic reactions blah blah. Fine. I kept trying for a while, allergies be damned. But it stopped being worth it. Sometimes the cigarettes aren't worth it either. I choke on every inhale and my body dry heaves like it knows I'm putting in something it doesn't want. On those days I don't smoke. I don't think there have been many days I've gone without weed. I honestly don't know what to do with myself on the days I abstain. Like I do? I can cope. I just. I'm still so tired.

The part of me that broke all those years ago and said fuck it, lets see what drugs do, is still recovering. It's still resting and healing. Some days are better than others. Some days it does fine and it says "lets fuckin rawdog the day my mans" and I do, and it's great. Other times it's so small and frail that I know if I tried I might break it again, and I just can't risk that.

I've been told before that this is dependency. Maybe even misuse. I've been told by others that this is the point. If it's helping, then let it. I don't know what the answer is. Some days I resent not being the person I was before I started using weed and cigarettes to get through the day. I've tried other things too, and they've never done much for me, so I never went back. Does that mean that I'm not "dependent" I'm "self-medicating"? Is that a good or a bad thing? Does it fucking matter? I honestly don't know. I wish it didn't feel like it mattered. I wish that I could go through my days and feel like I had more of a choice. I actually miss being able to get high lol. Like weed hasn't given me an actual high in years, it just. Helps me get through things a little better. But how much am I really willing to keep living that way? How much of my life do I *want* impacted by whether or not I can smoke or have some thc? Some days it's fine. Some days I'm bothered by it.

The thing that gets me every time though is how at every single point when I made the choice to pick up a new "substance" it was because I was desperate, overwhelmed, and completely without alternatives. I knew full goddamn well every time what I was doing. I had years of both anti-drug war knowledge and addiction/recovery knowledge in my brain and I understood that I was at my most vulnerable, I was my most at risk. That making this choice could be fine or could be life changing or could be somewhere in between and it was worth being self aware as I did it. But I just. I was so tired. I was so broken down. I just needed to rest. I needed to feel something other than the stress and fear for a while. And no one was offering me anything else that made a dent. Trust me. I tried.

I don't say this to suggest to people that Drugs Are The Answer. I genuinely don't think they are. I still wish every day I had never picked up that first cigarette. I still wish that I felt well enough to live my life without needing help to rest and recover. But I can't blame anyone who makes the choices I did. I can't doubt the feelings of need and desperation that often drive us to interact with our support tools the way we do. I've also found over the years, that it's not just "substances" that people will turn to for help with avoidance the way I did. Avoidance is so very very human, and the way I skirted around acknowledging how beyond my capacity for repair my life was getting (even while actively working to resolve those things) had more to do with mh inability to acknowledge that I was failing people I loved than what tool I was using to avoid the acknowledgement. It could just as easily have been my work, or video games, or shopping, or gardening, or anything else in the world that allowed me to isolate myself in a world that felt smaller and simpler for a while so I could take a break from problem solving the way the rest of my world was steadily crumbling around me. I chose weed, alcohol and nicotine. Other people will make other choices. But maybe we all sometimes run away from problems we realize we can't solve until one day we're backed into a corner we can't run from. Maybe that's just human. Maybe the drugs just made me feel less like shit while I ran. And maybe that's part of how I survived to make things right for myself.

I really don't know. I can't know.

What I do know is that I left the relationship that was destroying my life. I'm safe now, and wifey and I are doing much better now that our communication isn't being actively sabotaged. I'm doing much better now healthwise that the food in my home is consistently safe to eat for me and I'm not being left without any food at all on a semi-regular basis. I *am* still the primary breadwinner of the household, but it no longer feels as though I have to run the household itself on top of that, and I *am* consistently supported (encouraged even) to rest when needed, even if that is still hard for me to do. I've stopped drinking, and that does feel better. I spend less time and energy seeking substances and I *do* smoke fewer cigarettes less often even if I do still smoke sometimes. I feel happier and more stable than I think I ever have. My life is. Mostly working? And pretty good now. The cracks have been able to heal in ways that are, if not structurally sound, at least working up to it. I am fragile, but making progress. Does that mean I made the right choices? The wrong ones? Will I ever know?

I dunno comrade. But. We all do what we can, what we must, and what we can figure out. Maybe judgement and shame about all that just doesn't help.

[leetlbug]

So my "therapists" growing up unofficially diagnosed me with pyromania when i was like 9 i think, they told my parents i'd grow out of it, obviously it's "just a phase" like my sexuality lmao, whatever. They tried doing whatever they could to hide it, it didn't work very well (duh) and tbh I struggled HARD with the whole impulse side of things from like age 11-17, and tbh (again) i didn't expect to actually live into adulthood. Anyway, I'm an adult now, i'm in my 30's, being a child diagnosed with pyromania? ezpz, they'll get over it, HOWEVER, my parents didn't expect 20 year old me to still be out in the middle of the night fucking around and burning shit, or sitting in the back yard and burning shit, and *god forbid* hiding in the bathroom and burning shit in the bathtub, but lmao whatever As an adult? You slip up ONCE and boom, an entire case against you. I thought it was funny, cause when i was "arrested" a few months back, it was a "you obviously don't do this regularly" blah blah, fire bad, slap on the wrist (obviously, very privileged tbh) but like ONE SINGLE mentioning to my therapist and essentially I shouldn't have said anything because she apparently has to report everything we talk about to the state if it "endangers yourself or others" sooooo WHATEVER, I GUESS LMAO. I literally can't talk to anyone about my stupid bullshit impulses aside from a tumblr blog and also my friends, like i'm sure my friends would report something if i really fucked up, but like idk, unless yall on here are out to get me (I wouldn't be surprised) if i ask for help, they deny me care cause i can't afford it or they lock me up. Or they do what they did when i was a child and essentially "pray the urges away" i wish i could like eat an entire box of corn flakes and just not feel the urge to set fires or something, idfk.

[luxuourr]

THINGS I'VE MANIFESTED IN THE LAST 1 MONTH WITH SUBLIMINAL PLAYLISTS I MADE

( sorry I cannot share my subliminal playlists for personal reasons , just use what works best for you! what makes you satisfied and it'll be it because personally I don't check how long or small subliminal is, if I like how it is and the way it's made , it's going in my playlist or if not I'll listen to it once or twice within the week)

1. I went to the doctor, he discussed my health was in a bad state because of the kind of bad sleep I had, thanks to ptsd , studying enough and sleep issues, my father was strictly against sending me out of country then suddenly the doctor brought up that i should move to another country ( some reasons) and my dad said he's 100% sending me out of country, BRO I'm trying to move from my toxic household

2. i didn't plan this but it's like one of my wishes , I have a craze for driving but unfortunately I don't wanna learn it from my crazy ass dad anyway so I kept using subs for wishes and general manifestations in my playlist and turns out my mom is talking about buying me a bike in December

3. My mother talked about getting me a small nose pin. she's SO against this nose pin and suddenly we watched a movie and a. girl was wearing one and she goes like " you would look good with a small nose pin I guess, you were rushing so I didn't allow you" when I asked that she's already denied me

4. I can easily control weather with feelings, this wasn't intentional but there's an amazing subliminal I use for my own self made by me that has resulted in this with my own name affirmations , last night I was crying and had a breakdown and saw the sky thunder like never before and it can't be a coincidence everytime because now ,the sky was clear and the heat was unbearable suddenly I got suc1d!@l thoughts and sh and I text my bf then sleep, i wake in an hour to realize the power is gone because of extreme storm outside , I put my phone on charging at 5% ( no intentions to shift but lately I've been curious. for example in the morning before college i tried to zone out ) I went downside and came back to realize my charging only dropped I felt like time had already shifted to when my charging was even lower than the one I left it off within, life is so unreal I am unable to believe in this kind of progress, I'm manifesting super human abilities which also includes healing touch ❤️

my tips for results so far

i didn't think twice

I listened to my playlist most of the times when I'm doing something and remain busy

i don't pay much attention

i don't realize what subs I'm using after putting in playlist , I let them perform their magic , because I don't stress over not getting results because there's a phrase in my head

" failure has been created by society, failure does not exist because how can an alphabet that society made called as 'f' decide I failed why can't ' A' be used to define failure " SOOOO

that's how I've been doing

Note

i am a college student planning to move out from my extremely dysfunctional family, I have some mental issues like bpd and ptsd ( diagnosed obviously) which makes it hard for me to go in for the void but I'm still trying so here's my subliminal progress because I love manifesting and don't plan to give up until I become independent, successful and unreachable

[librarycards]

How’d you discover you were plural? If that’s ok to ask

of course! genuinely, it's less of a discovery that &i is/are plural, and more that plurality is a meaningful conceptual framework to apply to my/our existence.

to dip a bit into coming-out cliché, &i've never felt, like, singular; we've always been iterative. we hardly even share the same body. actually, the iterations we've been are sometimes tied to particular forms of embodimindment, not unrelated to other experiences i've had - disorderly eating/drastic weight changes/puberty/trans medical interventions/elective body modification/lived experiences of trauma. this, like many things, is something for a while we assumed everyone felt (and perhaps everyone would, if we as a society did not tamp down so violently on our inherent systemhood [we're made of systems]).

then, &i learned that not everyone referred to themselves with different pronouns directed toward different iterations, and that this actually offended some trans people &i tried to like, ~build community~ with. people don't like seeing selveshood as periodized, because that disrupts the narrative of linear progress/growing-up we like to ascribe to "being a person."

so we sat with this feeling of having grown sideways or crossways and learned about multiplicity (beyond harmful media/medical discourse) on tumblr. actually, &i think [S]arah learned about it back when she was knee deep in the whole indigo children thing lmao, because there was also soulbonding stuff etc. [don't bother with those types of sites, they're run by new age antisemitic anti-vaxxers, but obviously 9 year old [S]arah didn't know that].

when we began learning about multiplicity on tumblr, we were under the assumption that alters had to be far more clearly defined and transparently mapped than is true, &i think, for most systems. others have commented on the weird proximity to clinical confessional discourse that fixations on system mapping point toward: not because there's an inherent problem with system mapping, but because the idea that everyone/everymany must do this / leave evidence of their collective (and ultimately, legible) existence, is just bullshit, just like the stories we have to tell to receive "gender dysphoria" diagnoses.

i think what really changed our relationship with multiplicity was/is our friendship with @materialisnt. it's difficult to describe the degree to which mix moss have impacted &my life, both through chaim "formal" scholarship (the formal/informal binary is bullshit ofc) and through several years of deep friendship and unwavering solidarity. &i recognize in hindsight that &my longstanding interest in multiplicity - and alterhumanity writ large, because i am not a human and actually don't think any of us are or were? - was really just, you know. being an egg. many such cases. mix. moss's patience with &my questions & collective excitement at my interventions and thoughts gifted us the confidence to, only recently [and partially pursuant to &my dissertation, which includes discussion of alterhuman digital epistemologies and pedagogies] begin identifying with plurality. perhaps even "as", though that preposition has always skeeved &me out when it comes to identity stuff.

ultimately, &my relationship with plurality isn't a concrete object that we eventually dug up and slapped a nametag on. it's a meaningful, collaborative, and community-based signifier that helps us best situate ourselves in conversations about relationships and love and pain and time and all the important parts of. existing, we guess. it's a choice to generate linguistic and spatiotemporal friction be just kinda existing and not being "one human being". it is also something that feels deeply heart-aligned, something that allowed me to let out a breath we'd been holding for a long time, and free up space to think with more creativity and compassion toward those &i value most: that is, those rejected by the existing conditions we call "reality" and "commonsense" and instead think more capaciously, as ourselves, about different ways of being persons and people together.

[cordycepsfem]

Pageboy - Let's Do This Thing

In keeping with my brand of, well, Ellen-posting, since my name is Ellie, I thought I'd continue Ellen-posting by reading a book by someone who used to be named Ellen and doing a review of said book for radblr. I'm going to break it up into chunks so you're not faced with giant posts of me rambling or EP rambling.

I would like to say that I feel like there are very few 30-somethings who should be writing memoirs. I've had a pretty exciting thirty-ish years on the planet and I don't think I'm qualified to write a memoir - not because it wouldn't be full of interesting, beautiful, life-changing, sometimes horrible things but because I'm only thirty-ish. I prefer memoirs by people who've lived a bit longer - but again, this is only my preference. I don't read a lot of memoirs as a whole, I guess.

Anyway.

Ellie's Read and Review of Pageboy (Part One)

Author's Note

EP is "grateful and terrified" because trans people "face increasing physical violence" and "our humanity is regularly 'debated' in the media" (citations not given)

the book would not have been written without the "health care" she received, which seems weird because what she describes in the first paragraph about not being able to write seems like ADHD and instead of taking Adderall and being seen by a therapist she took testosterone and had her breasts surgically removed

quotes Leslie Feinberg who, among other things, was a very serious pronoun enthusiast (as evident by Feinberg's Wikipedia page, no I'm not being sarcastic here, just go read it and tell me I'm not wrong)

I want to be a jackass about the last paragraph of the author's note but even I don't have it in me, because it makes sense and is kind.

Chapter One

EP meets someone named Paula and falls in love with her and they do mushrooms together

She thinks about Paula on her trip through Europe

They go to a gay bar

This line hit far harder than it had any right to:

She kisses Paula and it's marvelous

Chapter Two

The Village Voice writes a shitty article about EP calling her a "dyke" after Juno comes out

which is a name she was called many times growing up in Canada

EP played soccer and once went to a tournament in a town I would visit some twenty-odd years later for very different reasons

this is important because she rooms with a girl she has a crush on

she tries to come out to this girl as bisexual

the girl says "no you're not" and then her friends make fun of EP

I learn that Tim Horton's has bagels, which confuses me but is in fact true

EP's grandmother asks her father what they're going to do if it turns out EP is gay

the lines in this chapter that punched me in the chest:

because fuck yeah I was a fucked up kid who didn't plan to live much beyond age 18, EP, I see you

fame is not what EP thought it might be; she doesn't want to wear a dress to things but somehow they tell her she has to and she isn't allowed to say no (which I get, and is not great, but eventually you need to be able to say no and do what you want)

another magazine in Canada asks if she's gay

Paula from Chapter One is seen with her and it's speculated they're in a relationship; Paula's not out to her family and so things are all very sad and EP feels like she will never be free to be who she is

At this point I am just sad. I came out later in my life (22), and was diagnosed with gender dysphoria much later (33), but at age 12 after a lifetime of wearing dresses and having my hair the way my mother wanted it, I stopped letting that happen. I started to wear what I want. I grew out my hair. I learned about makeup and shaving and for a little bit bought into it and then said "fuck no," which I continue to do to this day because it's bullshit.

Who in EP's life thought it wasn't okay for her to wear pants, and why didn't she or someone else stop them? I've obviously never been a famous actor but as an actor aren't you the person in charge of what happens to your image? Why wasn't her publicist or her agent on her side?

I had a lot of good people in my life who made me believe in a future for myself. Sometimes they had to carry me physically through what was happening to make sure I made it to that future, and I'm here today because those people didn't give up on me. Where were those people in EP's life?

There are things about the EP situation that make me bow in over my ribcage. It's just sad, and seeing paths others take that look like they make sense to everyone but which seem to say something entirely different when looked at upside down... which is a rambling way of saying that it's almost 4 am and someone should have told EP she could have been a happy lesbian who wears pants without having her breasts surgically removed and taking cross-sex hormones.

Anyway, the laundry's done, more later.

[black-but-mildly-sunny]

Greek Mythology HC's

I am a firm believer that the Greek gods (specifically talking about the big 3 for right now- I'll do the other later), have common disorders.

If they are the creation devised by the human mind to represent nature and traits, then they should have common issues (mostly basing this around like PJO universe or another fictional Greek thing, kinda Hades game but whatever.)

Hades: Has to be like on the ASD in some little way (I say this because I work with kids who have ASD), and I feel he would be one of the older kids. Like he's high functioning, but there's small things he does that sets him apart. Ie socially awkward, hyper interested in things pertaining to but only the underworld, nature/flowers (cause Persephone), specific literature, and so on.

Masking when in the presence of his Olympian family or when he's judging.

Stimming, simple like playing with his hair (he keeps it long) or tapping his fingers either in rhythm or out of rhythm.

Poseidon: ADHD and a behavioral disorder. I was thinking ODD, but maybe more just BP (just cause of the change of the ocean is described like his mood..)

I feel he's the most hyperactive of the brothers, the sea is always restless so is he. Though every now and then you can find him just zoned in on something, let's say like when he tries to overthrow Zeus and he just couldn't let it go till he got punished by Zeus.

For the BP, I was just thinking that he can be wise and chill - as is per Poseidon the wise sea god, obviously but there's just times where he's just too much and times where he's just there. Everyone is unsure what Poseidon they'll get since it's not everyday they see him.

Zeus: I 100% see him with OCD and, for some reason, color blind.

OCD because he's so uppity about everything being done how he wants it and will absolutely lose it, as seen in many myths, if anyone questions him or does something he doesn't want to happen. Of course he's forgiving but I feel he just stamps it down till it overflows.

Also, he just has rituals. He does certain things a certain amount of times or just must do certain things in a certain way, and everyone has learned to just let him do that.

Color Blind, I just thought that would be cool. I just had a dumb thought that after 100's of years of marriage Hera just asks Zeus one day why he occasionally gets her things that are red when her favorite color is purple and Zeus just sits there and stares, so confused because.. aren't...they the same...? And then slowly realizing that he can't see the difference between red and purple or blue and yellow (and possibly pick and orange).

Also a minor HC is that Zeus' favorite color is green because he can't really tell the difference between blue and yellow, but he's worn blue for so long that he just hasn't changed (which plays into his OCD because he's worried something might happen if he changes colors now)

Yeah. Let me know if you have anything to add or adjust with these HC's!!!!

(I'm being very general with them only because these disorders/diagnoses are complex and different for everyone and I didn't want to be to honed in a something specific.)

[aseriesofunfortunatejan]

Jan finally learns Brawler's backstory

(In 2024) (After being tortured by at least two separate people who were weird about it)

In case you don't know, two specific, major (albeit short) scenes from Brawler's backstory are presented in Chapters 16 and 25 of the manga. In case you're not interested in reading the manga, they're summarised very plainly in his History section on the Wiki.

I genuinely recommend you read the manga, however, because the way it presents parallels is... unparalleled... by the anime.

Here is my breakdown! I'll try not to spend too much time on it because I've been awful at organising my time today, but if you know me, you'll know you're in for a few long paragraphs.

So - in the first scene presented in Chapter 16, Brawler's grandpa tries to teach him the type of lesson a mama cat might also try to teach to her young. He attacks an overly confident young Brawler with a boring haircut with chopsticks, and Brawler dodges, but he's obviously jumpscared by it. The lesson is: an attacker might come even when you feel safe, such as when you're eating! It's unclear what kind of life they're living, but what's for sure is that Brawler already has a habit of fighting, and is being instructed by his grandpa. Another element I noted is that their meal is fairly sober, and the house they live in is undecorated, with cracks in the walls.

Embarrassed that he got jumpscared, Brawler considers reciprocating the attack to scare him back. Just as his grandpa had, his grips both of his chopsticks.

The next two pages aren't a continuation of this scene. Instead, the both of them have clearly aged and Brawler's hair is cooler. His grandpa is wearing an eyepatch. When he repeats the same lesson again, Brawler points out that he doesn't have eyes to spare: it's strongly implied what might have happened.

Why didn't he dodge? "He wasn't going to chicken out and lose like he did." It seems that his grandpa is teaching him to have a strong ego more so than he is teaching him survival instincts. It's not about surviving the fight, it's about winning... at having the best fight possible. His grandpa teaches him masochism... I mean, his grandpa tells him to put his life on the line for a good fight.

This is giving me a second reason not to acknowledge Shikoku Arc as canon. One other theme ruined.

Brawler has very much learned from his grandpa's pride. He grabs his hand, holding his chopsticks, and points it to his eye.

Remembering these conversations is what inspires his strong reaction to Master in the Shinkansen.

Brawler did step back and look upset in the anime. What was missing was his point of view.

Not too long afterwards, Brawler says the same thing (although differently translated, which makes sense considering the added context of the manga) he had in the anime. The difference is: we now know why he says it.

He continues with: "the two of us are fighting with our lives on the line". This is what he just recalled his grandpa telling him.

About 9 chapters later, Brawler is about to die in a fight against Master. Staring at his opponent, he remembers that first conversation with his grandpa again. The very next minute, in fact: his chopsticks are bloody, and his grandpa's eye injured. Young-boring-hair Brawler stares in shock, while his grandpa calmly instructs him to... be a masochist... I mean, enjoy getting hurt as part of his enjoyment of a fight.

"You only live once. Enjoy fights to the fullest." There is an implication here that at least I am reading into: Brawler is in pain. We later learn that his injury was slowly reopening due to Doctor's purposefully botched surgery. The injury being shown in a previous panel is that same injury. Remembering his grandpa's words, Brawler decided to ignore the pain and let it kill him.

Famously something you should avoid doing. Except if you have a uterus, in which case, give it 7 years on average before it gets diagnosed. [...]

And then, telling his old man to watch him, he fucking dies.

This was a good chapter overall, even beside the flashback - like I mentioned above, the manga does a great job of showcasing parallels. In this chapter, Boss also explains to Pupil that Executioners like Master don't differ much from Akudama.

I genuinely didn't know this was what Brawler's flashbacks were like. All I knew was that he had a grandpa some people are weird about. What I now know is that Brawler had the worst grandpa on Earth??? He's like if your boomer grandpa were proud about getting dropped from a great height rather than about drinking from the hose when he was younger.

It really seems that this man's advice actively cost Brawler's life. And I don't think the manga shies away from implying that it's not right.

Boss' speech is from her point of view and about the Execution Division. But what ties it to Brawler is not only her own comparison of Executioners like Master to Akudama, but also, Hoodlum being paralleled to Pupil.

Hoodlum and Pupil are different people with different personalities, so it makes sense that their reactions would be different either way. We know Hoodlum shuts down up until he grabs the sword to attack Pupil, whereas she was crying the entire way. But I think the fact that she's actively aware of what is happening might lead to her stronger reaction, while Hoodlum is only just guessing and unsure.

In any case, what's clear is that Brawler's grandpa's advice was dogshit and clearly biased towards his own interest. Did Brawler really carry out what he himself wanted, or what his grandpa wanted? Was he bound to end up this way, learn this lesson, regardless? What doesn't change is that this stance is selfish - and leaves the ones you care about and who care about you behind. Plus, is this fight really worth the many other fights you could have had, had you lived longer?

It wasn't just Doctor, it wasn't just Master, it wasn't just himself - all of them, plus his grandpa, killed Brawler in that moment.

("This is not a children's playground, go home"... Oh, you're trying to be a sensible grandfather figure now, shithead? Why are you alive? This sucks!!!)

Most importantly, this puts emphasis on Brawler's ego. Brawler is a man with a great ego, which we now know he was taught to have. He doesn't just happen to be the best fighter - he aims for greatness. He wants to have a very long prison sentence just like Hoodlum. [...]

Much of his circumstances are still missing. First off, why was he taught to fight in the first place? And why was he separated from his grandpa? And did he have other family beside him? (Is Akudama Drive implying that if you only have one adult guardian, you're bound to become a criminal? I'm in deep shit. /ex) His flashbacks imply a fairly humble lifestyle. We know Brawler can eat a lot - were his needs and wants not met because he couldn't afford them? It's not like the quantity he was eating had increased by the later flashback, so the humble food, compared to his liking for huge servings of meat, was probably not a personal choice. That being said, we don't know his grandpa. Maybe he wanted that for him - he clearly had a lot of influence over Brawler.

I don't think these questions need to be answered to tell a good story. I do think all of these questions would have been more interesting to tackle than whatever Shikoku arc was about, however.

[zodiac-blood]

asexuality with a fetish; but weirder than that somehow

Most of us in the system don't fully label our orientation due to how stressful it can be with headmates blurring, but one identity that has felt the most concrete with me (Tobey writing this) has been Asexuality. Now that identity is also one I have struggled with because well, I have what very obviously seems to be a fetish. It works a bit weird because of my sexuality and my sexuality works a bit weird because of the fetish. I'll explain that a bit further in a bit but I'll try not to get too much into my personal sex life. If you have read previous posts of mine you may know it, but its a hand fetish. (before you make the joke, yes I actually did realize it because of the JoJo character, kinda.) For a while I didn't want to label myself as asexual because of both that, and that I can *tolerate* having sex, not really enjoy it entirely but I don't (usually) get disgusted by it. I've since started realizing that's not the part that matters really, and have been trying to figure out what's up with my specific flavour of sexuality.

I think a very important thing that I have figured out, and is why it took a very long time to figure out what was up with me, is I don't get 'horny' in the way most people do. When I see like a very attractive pair of hands doing something (mostly just something non-sexual oddly), I get what I tend to say is "arousal" but not once will the thought of sex or even kissing come up in my mind. It's more like aggression?? but almost in the way you get "cuteness aggression" where youre not actually angry or wanting to hurt something, the emotions are just so extremely positive that you start getting aggressive. Its like that, but more fight or flight instincts, it makes me want to either hide curled up in a ball crying or punch something; somehow all this is in a very positive way though. Not once will I ever think of trying to do anything sexual and the times I have tried to do something sexual both by myself and with a partner while feeling this way yet it just doesn't help at all. I tend to call this arousal/being horny but it feels more like something else? I am not sure since it has no *actually* sexual nature to it yet is definetly tied so some sort of sexuality and sexual feelings. I don't just see a hand and get weird about it, its only if it sort of matches my type and in certain contexts. That I think is to be expected with a sexual interests though, just wanted to clarify. If someone has more information on this please let me know because it has been very hard to find anything for it and its something I haven't heard anyone talk about. I have briefly mentioned it before and someone commented saying I might have autism but honestly but they never responded to my asking what they meant by that so I don't really understand what that meant and can't find anything on that.

On that, although a bit of a tangent; do not try and diagnose me with something, it is fine to point out if something is a common symptom of something but specific diagnosises stress me out.

I am an individual in a somewhat large group of people sharing a brain, and that makes things kind of weird. I think hands can be really good looking and I even have preferences and specific things I can point to as 'turn-ons' (in the agrressive horny way) and things I consider to be turn-offs (long nails...), yet we are realising that there are some in the system who have different aspects they like, but also most of them don't have that interest at all. I have headmates who most likely have more "normal" sexualities and blurred with them in times that made it really confusing, but I do understand the feeling somewhat of how its "supposed" to be somewhat. I have a specific memory of when we were younger, like middle school aged, I didn't have any understanding of it but I definetly already had the fetish at that point. I had a conversation with a friend about JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, a series I didn't know anything about back then, you probably know where this is going. She started being funny and talking about a character called "Yoshikage Kira", she mentioned that he is known mostly by his hand fetish, and definetly made a point to joke about how weird it was. I don't know how much about myself I really was understanding at that point but I definetly just started hiding all form of sexuality that could be "weird" from myself by that point. I remember sometime around that time I made some sort of post somewhere, I don't know where but I think its deleted, saying something along the lines of "is it possible to be really into hands but its not a fetish because I don't want to fuck them?" (paraphrasing). I "shut off" and ignored any thoughts I had around that for many years, until I watched JoJo and got INTENSE 'new' emotions seeing scenes of Kira being intimate with the disembodied hand, and kick-started a whole identity crisis. I think its also important to note, this wasn't long after I actually had sex for the first time and didn't understand why I wasn't into it and tried out labelling as asexual, hense the "crisis" began.

Now I say multiple times sex doesn't really ever come to my mind when "aroused" (if thats even what it is), but you may also know I have posted things in the past in a very sexual nature and drawn sexual art. I'm entirely sex positive so when I say this do NOT think I am against it; but that's just something I don't think I want to really do anymore and kinda didn't want to do in the first place. The main reason I did, is to me it was one level of 'weird' to be into something abnormal sexually, but a whole other level of 'weird' to be into something for whatever weird aggressive frustrating but thrilling reasons I have. So, trying to let myself be myself but still be "normal about it" I just chose what I'm ""supposed"" to do with a fetish, be sexual about it. I've done things like that also with many fictional characters where I really am into them in that weird aggressive "horny" way but just say something sexual because it makes the point I'm into them without being "weird". I am still learning to just be myself, and am working on just being myself with this. Another reason, and moreso applies to the art I did, was that I was trying to figure out if I could really like it as a sexual thing, I tried, and none of the actually sexual parts really got me interested, good note is I did find out what specific things I'm disgusted by.

[learningsanctum]

April 30th, 2024

(insta: avecpeach)

TW: survivor, suicide attempts, cutting, depression mention and anxiety mention.

"A writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people." - Thomas Mann, Essays of Three Decades

I've been writing pretty much since I learned what words are. I can't barely remember a time where I didn't write thus I can't remember a time where I didn't express myself.

Sometimes quietly, pencil on the paper soothing the sharp edges of my soul.

Sometimes loudly, ripping apart pages when I couldn't rip my heart off.

Somehow... always alone.

In high school I had a brilliant friend with whom I could share my ideas with. We talked once a month despite being in the same homeroom* for the whole period of those long three years. Every time we talked it was like a explosion of new ideas and shared knowledge I believe I never had even with the "bestest" of my best friends.

We did also take the same bus back home. Once, after a particular day we spent attached at the hip, we entered the bus and we were talking about the medicines they had to take - because they had anxiety and depression - and somehow the conversation turned back to me.

I joked and said "I particularly have never been medicated nor diagnosed. So if I don't go looking for a problem then I won't have one." and that is a particular common phrase to here in my country, people often use to say they prefer to "avoid a possible headache" and obviously not meant to diminish mental health or anything of the sort.

They were telling me they took those medicines because they tried to kill themselves once, showing me the cuts and bruises in a proud manner as to say "I survived". In solidarity I decided to tell them I also had a problem with cuts back in middle school. That I used to cut myself and couldn't stop, sometimes it was more of an addiction then something to relief some kind of pain. I wanted them to see they could relate to me and I wouldn't judge them for their struggle.

I think their answer to knowing I stopped cutting myself on my own will forever be stuck in my mind, very deeply engraved in the cuts I recovered from.

"You do everything on your own, don't you?"

To be honest I was paralyzed for a moment. The sun filtered through the windows of the bus shining when it passed through their blond locks. The voices of the other kids were muffled all of the sudden and the grass of the field outside the bus windows were too green to be real. The sky too blue to be nice.

Somehow they were the only person I could read without trying from day one. How ironic is this that this ephemeral friendship would be able to read my soul right back to it's core? Just like I did to them.

Writing is what made me bound with them in the first place, so I think its only fair to address them in the same post as I address writing. They were poetry, one of the most brilliant mind I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Yet they had little and huge flaws that made them so real that for moments I felt I could reach her.

I don't think I have ever written about them in such manner, maybe because I was afraid of doing so and discovering some deeply buried feeling in me.

Even if they never know, they are the one who convinced me to follow my dream of being on the navy. They are the one who brought back my imagination in a time I thought I'd never be creative again.

And for that I'm grateful.

Because I don't know what I would be without writing.

Without expressing the deepest wishes of my heart.

Or darkest thoughts of my mind.

Writing might keep me alive but they saved me.

And I don't think they will ever know.