#or assert that relationship when no child exists

[wellnoe]

the thing about sinister and flamboyance is that i do think he is like. nightmare patriarch also right.

[d4rkpluto]

ᴛʜᴇ 0° ɪɴ ᴀꜱᴛʀᴏʟᴏɢʏ - ᴛʜᴇ ɴᴜᴍʙᴇʀ ᴏꜰ ɢᴏᴅ

paid chart readings are closing this sunday 23:59 :)

involves my own research along with the help of janduz.

paid chart readings are being closed tomorrow 23:59, keep in mind on sunday there'll be a sale for everything, make sure you get a spot before someone gets yours!

+ includes venus persona chart + feminine archetype readings

follow for more content

THE DEGREE IN THE SIGNS.

THE DEGREE IN THE PLANETS.

THE DEGREE IN THE HOUSES.

♇ the 0° in astrology is about countless possibilities, so much potential and opportunities. it is about everything that exists and everything in everything. boundless potential of someone. something that can be perceived as omnipotent.

♇ the 0° is a critical degree whenever it's associated with a cardinal sign [aries, cancer, libra and capricorn].

THE 0° IN THE SIGNS

♇ 0° in aries - a critical degree. person becomes more independent, assertive and competitive. being someone who can face trials and tribulations. social cues is important for person, can be very self-disciplined or impulsive.

♇ 0° in taurus - other-worldly beauty. great at cooking or baking, and can be very fierce and stubborn. could come off as very bratty and possessive. very stubborn people.

♇ 0° in gemini - the ultimate chatter-box. very intelligent, fast and a quick-thinker and very creative. unlimited ideas, could be a twin. believer of a superior existence. protective over siblings, likely has a good or cordial relationship with them, could have twins.

♇ 0° in cancer - a critical degree. inevitable legacy or will, making a name for yourself. could have large breast. marrying + making a family; could be very traditional and even conservative. having a child is low-key inevitable.

♇ 0° in leo - fame degree. boundless potential to become popular. very generous people and can be very talented. though there could be moments when they are selfish. brilliant hair, could have a God-complex, could be very childish.

♇ 0° in virgo - can be very critical. talented/skilled employee. knows how to research well, which could mean they could be potential stalkers. sociable and knows social etiquette, can be people who think about their physique too much.

♇ 0° in libra - can be very stylish, excellent at make-up, easily likeable, people pleasers, but can be diplomatic. the degree is critical in libra. could find themselves becoming leaders and mediators. very strong beauty, can be problem solvers or very indecisive, and sometime they could be self-righteous and judgemental.

♇ 0° in scorpio - financially and sexually driven people. very secretive, can be mass-worshiped. continuous transformation, could look different a lot. can be combative, very psychic and could be prone to getting into accidents.

♇ 0° in sagittarius - very intelligent people, can be very instigative, could love arguments and debates. others can find them really funny; having great vision of the future and can be a great envisionists, directors, designers and producers. secret family, babies out of wedlock. could become a priest, or be successful in law or mathematics.

♇ 0° in capricorn - great business people, excellent with coming up with new ideas. critical degree in capricorn. respected by those around them, very intelligent individuals, could have a successful business.

♇ 0° in aquarius - geniuses. new ideas every second. can be people with a God-complex, very independent, and have the ability to be famous, influencing others and can gain much wealth.

♇ 0° in pisces - dreamers, and intuitive, psychic and prophetic people. can be very kind and communicative or very shady. can gain success through the arts or in business. should be careful of not falling into delusional episodes.

THE 0° IN PLANETS

♱ 0° in sun - youthful soul, has a very big destiny. can be very authoritarian, or can have people like that in their lives. fame and attention could come to them very quickly.

♱ 0° in moon - very sensitive and secretive. can be naive but empathetic towards life. follows the heard, a good friend, can be very intuitive, creative, especially with music, can attract fame as well.

♱ 0° in mercury - very smart people, skilled hands, chatterbox. very funny. twins in the family, success with marketing. could get good grades easily. psychic and writers, can be combative, guides to other people and mischievous. try not to fall into the habit of stealing.

♱ 0° in venus - true lovers, figuring out style. mediators, success in beauty/fashion related things. can be naive and stubborn, or could have sisters or female relatives like that. meaningful relationships with women, marrying someone who is wealthy/famous, and can get easily irritated.

♱ 0° in mars - unmatched ambition. being people who are competitive, work hard and play hard. being those with strong relationship with men, if underdeveloped could want validation too much. anger issues, playful and dominant and bed. fame within sports.

♱ 0° in jupiter - can mean abundant person, joyful person. easier life, likely to be kind and wealthy or have a spouse who is one. can be flamboyant and anointed. easily gifted and intelligent people, funny and can be easy to talk to. fame can be reached by teaching, publishing, trading or even directing. can be too greedy.

♱ 0° in saturn - their craft and hard-work being respected, much responsibilities. ability to gain wealth, building a foundation, becoming less restrictive; confident with life-path and can be someone who is admired by others. could speak of getting your family out of poverty.

♱ 0° in uranus - ability to do anything. achieving fame online. a popular friend, geniuses and thinking out of the box. can be someone who can be a leader, a rebel, a humanitarian and could like helping communities.

♱ 0° in neptune - can have a huge God-complex, victim complex or martyr complex. could fall into religious and spiritual psychosis. can manifest things really easily, very psychic dreams as well, can become a superstar.

♱ 0° in pluto - transformative people. can be people who are easily influenced, or can become influencers. strong power, head-strong people and have the ability to make much money, excellent at sex.

♱ 0° in north node - people with this can have a huge destiny. the magician, can make anything come true. can have a strong temper and can be very vengeful, much people around them might think they're soulmates with the native.

♱ 0° in black moon lilith - can easily impact other people. very charismatic, turning people against each other; being in their head too much, sex symbol, very sexual and can be into black magic.

THE 0° IN THE HOUSES

♇ 0° in the first house - likely to be popular, have the potential to be famous. these people can have so much charm and charisma. could look different a lot, very handsome faces.

♇ 0° in the second house - money-makers. can mimic really well. excellent cooks or singers. can make a business out of anything. can have a commanding/mature voice. very pretty people.

♇ 0° in the third house - persuasive, can be funny people. can be people who can write really well, can talk a lot and can be people who can read through people, or read people in general. this can imply that someone can be a really good thief, and could know how to guide people.

♇ 0° in the fourth house - money maker, can make a name for themselves. motherly and protective over loved ones, and can be people who are leaders, great designers and beautiful children.

♇ 0° the fifth house - fame! beautiful children and can be people who are very talented. glamorous and flamboyant. this degree can mean talent can be built very easily with them. could have much lovers as well.

♇ 0° in the sixth house - very hard-working people. can easily win against competition. are naturally competitive against other people. very observant and snarky, can be organised and strict about schedule. can easily build a skill.

♇ 0° in the seventh house - easily gets into relationships, likely likeable people, could easily influence others and can be people who know how to others wrapped around their fingers. charmers and flirts, can be low-key critical.

♇ 0° in the eighth house - money-makers, adaptable people. moving in silence, and can get secrets from other people easily. can make a legacy for themselves, and can be people who find it easy to explore their sexuality. great in bed.

♇ 0° in the ninth house - intelligent people, travellers and can be people who guide others. admired, kind and funny, but can be very straight-forward. very inventive people and creative. talented in trading, could have a God-complex.

♇ 0° in the tenth house - critical degree here, only a bit as its the house and not the capricorn sign itself. can become famous, easily liked or respected by other people. having a good connection with a parental figure, or becomes a good parental figure. can be people who are ambitious, goal-oriented for their legacy and dream home, could have a member in their family who is famous.

♇ 0° in the eleventh house - can easily make friends, humanitarians, can find themselves to be a leader of a friendship group. wealthy people. a best friend. popularity online or in their community. having a big audience, they can be trendy and authentic people. another indicator of having a God-complex.

♇ 0° in the twelfth house - very psychic people. fame, humanitarians and empathetic. can be people who are clairvoyant or have a clair. can get intuitive downloads, vivid and lucid dreaming. having much secret admirers or enemies, even stalkers.

masterlist

degree theory masterlist

[aphroditesmoon]

Hiiii! Love your clarisse oneshots ^^. Could you possibly do one where Fem!reader is the daughter of Hades and has a hellhound as a pet that absolutely adores clarisse? Reader also has a similar personality to clarisse, loves to fight and has a big pride but only lets her guard down around Clarisse.(also possibly has her own electric weapon of your choice)Thank you!!

creatures of the night

clarisse la rue x fem!hades'cabin!reader

warnings: none

a/n: sorry this is so short, hope u like it<3

wc; 1.1k

You would never consider your relationship with your father as better than anyone else's relationship with their own parent in camp.

But when you had been claimed by Hades as well as being gifted a long black javelin with gold wrapped around the sharp edge on the same night you arrived at camp Half Blood, it seemed well established to everyone else and including yourself, that your father acknowledges your existence proudly.

Being one of the people in the small list of forbidden children, had created a fearsome reputation around your presence, and honestly speaking, you enjoy the privileges that come with it.

Although it was hard making friends considering your less friendly personality, some campers stuck by your side anyways. Those who bore you enormous respects and had been intrigued by your mysterious air instead of intimidated.

One of them being the infamous child of Ares, Clarisse La Rue.

Beautiful, strong and hot headed, Clarisse La Rue.

The two of you are often compared as the two sides of the same coin. Your personalities differ from eachother in many ways, but when it came to your goals and aims, you both are usually on the same team.

It's safe to say that you are less hostile than Clarisse. You prefer to keep to yourself whilst she prefered to assert dominance onto the other campers. And yet you are the more feared than her.

Clarisse is commonly brutal and unrelenting, but you usually saved up the worst of your tricks for when necessity calls for it. For now, intimidation worked well enough.

What's funny enough, is how Clarisse herself had a certain trepidation when she first befriended you. She learned soon that you were just another demigod girl just like she was, glory aside.

One of the instances where she felt that she had truly seen you as you are, all the facade dropped down, was when you first introduced her to your hound, Cerberus.

Your father had gifted him to you for your 15th birthday. It was one of yoir proudest moments in life. Demigods are almost never cared for that much by their parents, and so to have your coming of age be recognised by your father was a huge thing.

"Is that not the same name as Hades' own three headed hound?" She asked, staring at it for afar from the corner of your bed.

"I know, that's why I named him that." You explained to her as you're sat criss-crossed on the floor, scratching the beasts' chin.

Cerberus, once he deemed Clarisse as not a threat, rolled down on the ground on his stomach.

"Look at him, such a good boy." You were distracted by your new pet all day, ignoring your poor girlfriend who had come over to your cabin to spend time with you. "He's almost as tall as you." Clarisse spoke sarcastically, picking you on your height.

"That's not a fair observation. Most things are almost as tall as me." You responded, still not looking up.

"Are you just gonna keep standing there staring at me?" You asked her finally, realising just how weird the distance between you two were.

Clarisse was hesitant, frowning at your pet like he was some sort of threat. "I...think I'm good here." She muttered loud enough for your ears. "Oh, come on."

Clarisse shook her head as you complained about her irrationality. "Look at him, he's friendly." And he was, Cerberus had warmed up to you quickly and have not shown a single tendency for violence against your girlfriend.

"Come and say hello to him, Clarisse." You called out to her again.

You hear her sigh from the other side of the room. After a few more minutes pass, her footsteps grow louder as she moves nearer to you.

Clarisse squats down to meet Cerberus and flinched as he lifts his head up to sniff her. You reached for her hand, trying to get him to smell it. She pulls her hand back at first, but after a few more pulls, Clarisse relents and lets the hound give her knuckles a lick. "That tickles." She mumbled under her breath.

"He likes you, see." She gives a resigned look, like she's just going along with what you're saying. "No, I'm serious, look at how nice he's acting." You nudged your head towards Cerberus' head, encouraging her to give him a pet

Clarisse braves herself to give him a few strokes on his ears and found that he particularly likes that notion. "I guess he's not that bad." She admitted at last, pulling out a smile from you. "I told you."

"So what is he then? Some sort of guard dog?" She inquires. The gods would gift their children with tools that can be used, never something useless, like a domesticated pet. And from the looks of it, Cerberus is definitely not meant to be a some cute little friend.

"I don't know." You answered honestly.

"It's not like my dad does a lot of talking to me, but he gave me something from the underworld, something that's set as a reminder of him and his place above. I'd like to view it as some sort of stepping stone. Like I'm one step closer to him because of Cerberus."

It's not surprising that your end goal is to follow on your father's footsteps, no one really knows what the real secret to make their godly parent to care about them is.

It is often assumed that glory was the key, and yet, the best fighters in camp a

re usually the ones who resent their parents the most. You often prayed and hoped that you wouldn't ever have to cross that threshold.

"I'm sure he sees it that way too." Clarisse offered kindly. She knew all too well how much it meant to be noticed by their absent fathers, even if so slightly.

She slso knew deep down that even if your father refused to notice the lengths you would be willing to go for him, she did. And she would break the world in two for you if your father wouldn't. And you would do the same for her.

Clarisse leans her back against the lower frame of the bed, a small smile on her face as she watches you scratch the hound's chin whilst kissing the spot in between his eyes.

It is truly rare to catch sight of either daughters of Ares or Hades' being as gentle and playful as this, and Clarisse is grateful that these kind of intimacies are reserved for small private moments.

That same night, as she sleeps with her arms around your waist, Cerberus laying down by the foot of the bed, Clarisse realises that she would do anything for the bond between the two of you to prevail.

[what-eats-owls]

Clean Books.

It's Friday of Ace Week, and I feel like I need to articulate something.

A month or so ago, I was signing at a convention, and I kept getting a specific ask from adults: "Are your books clean?"

And I didn't know what to say. I write for teens. There's body horror, violence, swearing, underage drinking, child abuse/neglect, forced marriage, discussion of past sexual assault, the magic system is essentially "take drugs made out of gods," dirty jokes by the bushel. Sex itself is discussed and depicted with, I hope, all the awkwardness, silliness, and earnestness that rings true for teen characters, as well as respect for the intended teen audience.

But to the people asking for "clean books," it's usually just that last one they're interested in. (Followed by swearing.)

I think, when your book is flagged as an Ace Book, some readers just expect a prominent ace character... and some readers expect a Clean Book. Something pure and wholesome, where sex doesn't exist and no one thinks dirty thoughts, it's just chaste hand-holding and cuddles and maybe a closed-mouth kiss.

That is deeply, deeply unfair to ace readers and writers. A lot of us have spent and/or will spend a lot of our lives, from adolescence onward, trying to figure out exactly what our relationship is with sex. What we want, what we don't want, when we want it, if we want it, if we even tolerate it. Asexuality is a spectrum for a reason; to expect ace work to be "clean" denies it the room to assert its full identity.

I write for the teens who are told they're "just late bloomers" because they aren't interested in dating, while their saved AO3 searches would obliterate the Vatican. My books are not Ace as in No Dirty Thoughts, they are Ace as in Deconstructing the Scam of Compulsory Allosexuality. And that doesn't have to be for you. But it doesn't make it any less ace. It is not abandoning asexuality. It doesn't make them "impure."

Happy Ace Week, y'all.

(I decided, by the way, that my standard answer to "are your books clean" is a simple "Yes.")

[gremlingottoosilly]

Short!Reader who by all means believes she's the protector/assertive one in the relationship and constantly tries to protect him especially from people who are being mean to her boyfriend, Konig

Heyyyy 4'10ft anon back, I could definitely imagine her standing in front of him trying to yell at someone and then thinking she was the one to actually intimate them while König practically looks like those horror movie slashers standing behind her with his 6'10ft ass

Konig who never had anyone to protect him. Like, never ever. He had his parents - who were traditional "child out of sight and out of mind" type, with his father only looking at him when Konig knew he fucked something up. His mom sometimes patted him on the head - and even that affection seethed to exist after he grew taller than her. He was always the one to protect himself - from enemies, from bullies, from mean waiters in the cafes and weird old ladies who thought he was a terrorist. Always assumed to be the most dangerous(and biggest) man in the room, he got used to fighting on his own. Then you came in. God knows, you're fucking adorable. Short and tiny, he can literally pick you up and put you in his pocket - yet, somehow, you are always the one to try and save him. Konig isn't the type of guy to be too shy to ask for something in the coffee shop, but he also wouldn't be fussy if the barista got his order wrong. You'd be the one to come to the counter and correct them, the one to order for both of you and act like you just protected him from a dragon or something. Konig always have to bite down a laugh when you do this - you're so full of yourself, so prideful about everything, he likes that about you. His precious girl, so eager to help in every way...he got used to having you by his side. You're a bit too eager sometimes though. Picking up fights with wrong people, forcing Konig to finally acknowledge the fact you're being so antagonistic - he wants for you to feel better and for you to feel nice so, obviously, he will just stand behind you and make sure that whatever thug is talking to you, won't get any ideas. You might look like a small fry, like nothing compared to your boyfriend - but Konig is more than eager to give you an ego boost and make you think like you were the one to shoo the bastard away, and not your boyfriend who just picked out his biggest knife out of a pocket.

[sobasluuurp]

Ok. About Tenko.

I understand why so many people are angry that he's dead. I really do. I would've loved for him to live as well. I cried when he died.

However.

Just because he's dead doesn't mean his character has been handled poorly. In fact, all things considered, this ending (even though it makes me real fucking sad) makes the most sense for both his character and his story. Let me explain.

First and foremost, there's the matter of Shigaraki's characterization and arc. It goes without saying, but he's an angry, used, and abused child who grew up into an adult who wants nothing more than for everything to end. His goals have always been destructive to an extreme and honestly, the logical end to "let's destroy it all" is LITERALLY everything, including himself. He's also had absolutely zero agency since the moment his parents even thought of conceiving him, and has been struggling to become his own person since the beginning of his arc. He, against his abuser, who covets immortality and eternity.

What better a way for a person such as himself to assert his agency is there than to go out the way he did? To shift his focus away from the faceless masses and to the (similarly faceless, lol) abuser who caused his pain in the first place? To destroy the control AFO has held over him and prove to him that he was always his own person? To say, this is who you molded me into. And because I am who I am, I will now kill you, and take myself down with you, and be glad for it.

(and in the process, destroy the worldview AFO showed us in the Star and Stripe arc, that the ones who survive are the victors. AFO has completely and eternally lost, but Shigaraki is victorious to his last.)

It's his first moment of complete agency in his life -- acting entirely against anyone else's wishes for himself or his actions. And he uses it to do the one thing he's been itching for his whole life -- to destroy the source of his pain.

It's a negative character arc, in a way. It's not what any of us would've wanted for him. In a perfect world, he would be able to recover and readjust, building a life for himself and his found family in peace. He'd be able to experience life fully for the first time, and see that the world is not so bleak after all.

(I'm choking up just thinking about what's been lost. It's a fucking tragedy.)

But not every character arc gets to end happily. Sometimes people do slip through the cracks. That's always been what Shigaraki's character is about.

....and what every other member of the League's characters have been about.

Because here's the thing. The story of Shigaraki's life and death would be incomplete without his relationship to his found family. He's their leader. Their symbol. Their All Might.

Shigaraki's death is not the grimdark, fuck-the-audience, senseless kind of tragedy. He is a martyr, yes, but the people he stood for will in all likelihood survive. He died for the League. His life -- his existence -- brought them together, gave them purpose, and showed them a bright future. It is my steadfast belief that he will be the only death among the main villains. Because this is a story about saving to win, after all. And given that My Hero doesn't like to kill characters off too often and each one of them still has a path to recovery, I think it's a safe assumption to make. Especially since (especially in Toya's and Toga's cases) each of them had a moment of reconciliation at the end of their fights -- the kind of thing that can help them move forward.

And to be honest, we've known for a very, very long time that BNHA is the kind of anime that likes to turn old cliches on their heads. Kacchan did not become a villain during Kamino. La Brava's literal power of love was not enough to win the battle. Deku fought tirelessly to talk-no-jutsu Shigaraki into redemption, and while he did get through to him, he still couldn't save him after everything that happened. It's nuanced and messy in a way that I've come to expect from BNHA.

So yea, Shigaraki died. But Shigaraki also lived. Despite everything that AFO and Kotoro wanted from him (despite the fact that he was never meant to really be alive in the first place), he lived on his own terms and fought so that the people he cared about would be seen. Because he lived, the old world was destroyed, and from his ashes, a better one can be built. He achieved everything that no one thought he could, and reclaimed his life in the process. What better ending could you ask for a tragic character?

[crooked-wasteland]

Stolen from @pinkandpurple360 anonymous ask.

"Blitz still has a long way to go with character development”

That's great. I can't wait to never see it.

This was an issue I tried working into my Fizzarolli Dissection but it kept feeling less about the character and more an overarching writing issue, so let's just take it here.

Every bit of character development in the series is inconsistent or entirely spontaneous. Stolas being in love with Blitz seemed like a slow burn until out of nowhere in Ozzie's he is so head over heels for Blitz in specific. Asking why Blitz only now is asking him out "after all this time", like he has been waiting on and expecting it despite that never being a thought towards their dynamic before. Going from being entirely obsessed with their sexual contract and seeing Blitz as a sex object to suddenly wanting cuddles on the couch with no strings attached?

That change was never shown in the series. It was never developed. There is no character growth, they merely are different to suit the new direction to the plot.

So again, I'm so glad Blitz has more character development to go through, can't wait for it all to be implied off screen like every other ounce of character we've been gaslight into believing has "grown".

If you never show it on screen, the dynamic, the relationship, the change, it never happened. Loona at the end of Queen Bee seems to get closer to Blitz but the next time we see her she's trying to assault him. We never saw any moment of change following the end of Queen Bee where we felt her character actually develop. Even after calling Blitz dad in the episode, she ignores him in favor of strangers at the party. She expressed clear disgust with Blitz before leaving with him, and her mild softening towards him at the end could just as easily be seen as nothing at all as it could be a character growth.

However growth requires reinforcement. If you never reinforce that moment meant something, it isn't growth, it's a cheap emotional scene to get a reaction from an audience. A short scene of Loona simply telling Blitz good morning to show some kind of change was all that was needed, but it was not as important to establish change in the characters as it was to have the most cringe scene in existence. Priorities.

One of the biggest issues with the series is how blatant the meta agenda of the writing is. They never allow the space to establish characters or change, instead citing these one off moments as “proof” of story when they do not amount to anything at all. There is unfortunately a distinct difference between a story and a scene, and it is painfully obvious by how Medrano and Nylan utilize these scenes that it is entirely for a superficial effect.

The relationship between Fizzarolli and Blitz similarly is extremely vapid and has no foundation to establish what their dynamic actually was growing up. Additionally, the two scenes of them being younger are fundamentally contradictory. Younger Fizz from The Circus is assertive and confrontational. He threatens to punch Blitz for being annoying and not playing the way he wants to play. He's bossy without necessarily being mean and not only knows he's popular, but also how to utilize it as manipulation, seen in how he draws attention to himself to spare Blitz the embarrassment of his failed joke. This Fizzarolli actually lines up also with the Fizz from Ozzie's. It's hard to claim that Ozzie's Fizz was "just an act" when as a literal child he has all the same traits

Then in the Special he is insecure, timid, has very little self esteem and is an anxious people pleaser with a mousy voice. There is nothing to establish this as the same person at all, and all the narrative context clues around his popularity does not support the direction of change this character has experienced. Fizzarolli has only gotten bigger between being what appears to be six years old and what I can only assume to be thirteen based on his cracking pubescent voice and gangly limbs. All we can go on is context clues and extrapolation, but arguing of a non-existent event that humbled Fizzarolli to this extent, while maintaining his stardom prior to ever meeting Mammon, is founded on nothing, when there is a much simpler answer.

His whole personality has taken a 180 turn for the sole purpose of the episode’s narrative. Fizzarolli being the pathetic whump he is in the episode is not founded anywhere else in the show, but we need that so people feel bad for him. There is no confidence in this writing. It shows that instead of believing the character is likeable as a whole for a complex personality, the only way anyone will like him is if he is just the softest jellybean in the bunch.

It is only this way because it suits the episode right here and now. And when his character changes, it isn't founded on any concrete narrative of growth and actions having consequences, but on what the writers need to get the audience to feel a certain way. So I say it again:

That's nice, I can't wait to never see it.

[kencoded-kengirl]

this post is. going to get me told that i’m a kendall apologist. but i am so like. ok

i think kendall and connor are both entitled to eldest siblinghood. and i also think it’s a huge overstatement to assert that kendall just isn’t the eldest boy and has deluded himself into thinking that he is. they’re just two eldest boys with two different eldest boy experiences?

connor obviously is just. simply logan roy’s first child. there’s not much to argue with there. he also had to deal with logan all alone for a while and seems to have SOME FORM of the eldest child experience of watching those that come after yourself having it easier. but in terms of “eldest sibling” status i waver? that depicts. in MY mind. a relationship between the four that doesn’t exist. connor is both related to the other three and older than them, but his emotional role appears to be more paternal. he’s also a good deal older than them and doesn’t appear to have the more “childish” connections that they have with each other, which are kind of hallmarks of people who came of age together. i mean roman even uses childhood memories of connor as “dad” stories. also we never really see the kind of “heirlike” relationship between logan and connor that makes logan so hard on kendall (though i of course acknowledge that this is because logan’s abuse of connor comes largely in the form of neglect and disinterest)

and kendall by contrast is not his father’s first child, but he is his father’s first child of his second marriage. he apparently spent an amount of his childhood protecting his siblings from their father and, in being the “heir” to waystar, bears the brunt of his father’s high expectations. his love for roman and shiv is less fatherly than connor’s but also more intimate. also it’s not clear to me that connor and kendall have any powerful older-younger dynamic; frankly they seem to stay out of each other’s emotional “jurisdictions” and have, like, mutual respect? you just don’t see much evidence that connor really paved the way for kendall, or that kendall is really relying on connor for guidance or comfort or anything like that. connor made up some of the roy family’s firsts and kendall made up others.

it’s not that i think either connor or kendall is more eldest boy than the other, it’s that i think “THE” eldest boy is a silly title to be handing out when the roys’ family structure just evidently doesn’t support the existence of that kind of role. they are both eldest boys.

oh and obviously kendall trying to claim eldest boy status in order to wrest control of waystar is fucking stupid. but it’s also no more fucking stupid than treating primogeniture as a valid hiring method for a legacy media company’s chief executive role, which i think is the more important point of the two.

[taradiddled]

Here. Have a sneakpeek.

Now give me cookies.

-

"I didn't know Michael hurt you like that," Lucifer whispered.

Adam sighed. "I didn't want anyone to know. I was so ashamed of myself, for having followed him for so fucking long, believing all the shit he poured down my throat, letting him turn me into his little pet..." she shuddered, disgusted with herself still after all these years. The worst part was, she'd still been regurgitating the exact bullshit, but without Michael's direct influence. Heaven had successfully turned her into their mouthpiece, their poster child whom they could still tout out in front of everyone as Heaven's representative, to enact Heaven's will, while also being able to, on the turn of a coin, completely detach themselves from Adam, should she fall short of Heaven's desires.

Becoming pregnant with the King of Hell's child had utterly ruined Adam in Heaven's eyes. They had wanted to eliminate her. Michael had wanted to erase her from existence. But Sera had intervened, for reasons Adam did not know or could possible try to parse. Sera, who had looked down her nose at Adam for as long as Adam had known the Archangel, had lied to her superior, committed the grave sin of manipulating Adam's very soul, transforming her into a demon, before adding the extra spite of shrouding Adam's soul to appear as if she were only a mere Sinner -- nothing special, save for who she had been before her Fall.

A thought then occurred to Adam. Had Sera thought she'd done Adam a kindness? Though she'd broken Angelic Code, and trampled across one of Heaven's Sacred Virtues, she had ensured that Adam had escaped certain erasure from existence, and delivered Adam to the one being powerful enough to shield Adam from Michael's wrath. That is...if Sera had thought, with any certainty, that Lucifer would step-up and protect Adam, given their antagonistic relationship. While a sliver of Adam wanted to believe that Sera had somehow known that Lucifer and Adam would come to reconcile, the rest of Adam knew, in actuality, that, at best, Sera had been putting all bets on something that might not happen.

The Archangel had grossly abused her Holy power, and no matter the result, with Adam safe with Lucifer, starting to build some actual happiness and a possible future for her and her child, Sera's action had been wrong. They had hurt Adam. And Adam knew she would never forgive Sera. The end results did not justify the means by which those results were achieved. Adam couldn't allow herself to consider any other conclusion to her thinking -- it would be doing herself a great disservice. But as Adam told herself this, she also realized that she had been operating on a similar sanctimonious thinking, especially in regards to the Exterminations.

I've been no better than that bitch, Adam thought. I killed millions of Sinners. Destroyed millions of souls. And for what? Maybe I thought I was saving souls at first, but even after I found out that the Exterminations weren't really to save the Sinners, I was still killing them. There was no higher purpose in my crimes. Only the preservation of the status quo Heaven needed to hold in order to make themselves feel better. Feel superior.

It disgusted Adam. But, unlike before, when she would have been swallowed by her misery, and wallowed in her evident hypocrisies, this time, Adam was prepared to begin the process of actually accepting her faults.

"I was a terrible person," Adam said aloud, and was glad that Lucifer did not try to deny the truth to make her feel better. "That's the honest damn truth." She needed to say it. Needed to hear herself say it. Needed to accept it, or else she would never be able to move forward and be a better person. "I was a terrible person, and I still fucking am," she asserted with great conviction. "And that shit's not going to change for a long fucking while, Lucifer. I've got a lot of shit to do before I can say I'm not an absolute piece of shit."

She reached across the small space between them, and took Lucifer's hand into her own. "And I need your support for that, Luci. I've got to keep working to make things better, because while I will never be able to makeup for all the horrible things I've done, I can at least work at helping to clean up the messes I've made." She squeezed Lucifer's hand. "That's my new purpose. And I'm going to fucking stand by it, even if it means spending the rest of eternity in Hellish bureaucracy, and facing down my sins, one-at-a-fucking time."

Now that it was out of her head, out of her lungs, into open air, Adam could feel the strength of the words she'd spoken. But just as she was feeling that growing inner strength, she could also feel something a lot like Lucifer's magic in the air. It hung in the air, concentrating between Lucifer and Adam's bodies, and seeping into their skin. Though the magic was faintly familiar, it didn't feel dangerous, uncontrollable, or threatening.

Instead, it felt...warm. Adam had the briefest sensation of something loosely embracing her, her body briefly tensing in reaction, before that sensation moved along, taking away the tension, and spreading warmth along Adam's body. It moved through her limbs, where it created a orange-ish glow at her fingertips.

Next to her, Lucifer's eyes widened, and his fingertips felt warm against Adam's as his own magic reacted, the red glow rising to meld with the orange glow from Adam. It created a hot, flame-like shine, dancing along Lucifer and Adam's joined hands, before dissipating right after, leaving behind an added warmth.

"I think...I think you just received Hell's blessings," Lucifer spoke, voice awed. "I haven't felt magic like that in eons." The wonderment of his tone had Adam’s heart squeezing. Though she wasn’t connected to Hell like Lucifer, the thought of Hell, as an entity, approving of Adam made something like giddiness bubble inside Adam.

She always did enjoy being praised. And for a powerful entity like Hell to be giving that praise?

“Does…Hell like me?” Adam asked, holding back her instinctual mental reprimand at how needy she sounded.

Lucifer looked up from where he had been admiring the shape their hands made together between them. The soft smile he gave Adam smoothed down Adam’s underlying nervousness. “I don’t really know how to describe it succinctly,” Lucifer admitted. “But Hell definitely has developed an interest in you.” He gestured to himself. “Mostly through me.”

Adam swallowed, her nerves starting to rise once more. “I would bet that Hell doesn’t have the best fucking opinion of me in the first place.” And she had no one to blame for that but herself.

Lucifer shook his head, looking apologetic. “It’s starting to warm to you,” Lucifer pointed out, providing Adam some modicum of reassurance before she could start to sink into dejection. “It’s…just slow to warm, is all. It took, what, five-hundred years before it actually would recognize Lilith as its queen.” Oh, Adam bet that had more than rankled Lilith’s ire, having to wait to actually appeal to something more powerful than her. Adam would have loved to see Lilith’s face when she was first given the news.

Lilith hated being told ‘no’.

"Hell obviously has some superior tastes," Adam concluded, smirking. She reached across the space between them and pinched at Lucifer's cheek, pursing her lips. "Just look at who it chose for its king."

Lucifer's lower lip actually wobbled, his eyes welling with soft, sentimental emotions. Fuck. How long had Lucifer been going without some actual, genuine praise and positive reinforcement? Adam scooted closer to him, pressing a kiss to Lucifer's brow. She could feel the slightest tremble of joy beneath Lucifer's skin, and how he pressed into the touch, moving himself up against Adam's body, tucking his body against the curves of Adam's, careful to give space for her round belly.

"I love you," he whispered, kissing her cheek. "And I'm glad that Hell's magic can see that." He pulled back, looking deep in Adam's eyes, red into gold, and Adam could feel a frisson of magic in that gaze, and squeezed Lucifer's hand in her own. But when she attempted to return his kiss by pressing her lips to his, Lucifer pulled back, giving Adam a teasing, sultry look.

“But it makes sense,” Lucifer said loftily. “Because every moment I get to spend with you is magic.”

Adam groaned at the absolutely, purposefully slick line, though she couldn’t keep her lips from curving into an amused smile, or that frisson of pure want from thrumming in her gut. “That was so fucking corny and lame,” she said, shaking her head, wondering how she could be so attracted to such a ridiculous being. "I can't believe that I'm still going to fuck you after you said that."

Lucifer cackled maniacally (it shouldn't make Adam love the goon all the more). "Believe it, my prickly mistress! You're far too hooked on me to quit now."

Adam stuck her tongue out at Lucifer. "We'll see, you prick." She then pressed her mouth against his, the two of them winding their bodies around one another.

Over a half hour later, the two Fallen Angels peeled themselves off one another's bodies, their skin slick, and the scent of sex permeating the air. Lucifer flicked a magic finger at the absolute shambled mess of the bed, returning it to a clean and pressed state in an instant. The pillows they'd knocked to the floor zipped right back to land at the headboard, all fluffed and plump. Clothing that Adam and Lucifer had shed went to the hamper in Lucifer's closet, to be magically transported to the palace's laundry room, as it was each day, an hour before the clock struck six in the morning.

Adam stretched her arms up above her head, stretching out the kinks of a well-loved body. Curled against her back, his tail twined with Adam's, his arms wrapped about Adam's waist, his claw-like hands upon Adam's belly, Lucifer let out a sigh, utterly content.

[chalkchapel]

Saya no Uta: Thoughts/Review

Finished the game last night, hopefully I'm not forgetting any key points in my review.  Beware of spoilers!

Saya no uta is the most utterly disgusting shit of a media, but in the same time it is painfully beautiful and paradoxically boundless. I am simply amazed by it. I enjoyed all the hours i spent playing it. This is probably one of the best and most impactful visual novels of the decade. At some point I couldn't sleep because of it, all i could think about is the game. The scenario played on repeat in my mind, etched into my brain. The opening scene captured my attention with its vivid imagery and dissonant music. The game quickly dives into the main story without any wait. It is a world gone mad, a love story between an inhuman organism and a man. A required love, mandatory for Saya. She is a fast adapting and learning organism, created to conquer and assert control. The concept of "song" for Saya represents her understanding of attachment and love, a lesson taught to her by her father. Ruling of this realm was her duty to fulfil.. Her purpose, that all life shares, to reproduce. Her song heralds the coming of the new world and the destruction of the old. All she's ever known is dysfunction. All she's ever known is survival. Once she had used her father to acquire a deep understanding of humanity, she should've began her invasion. Her only flaw was her own humanization. She was taught that creating a family happens when one finds love. Love is something she can not share with a human. Without love's blessing, she is unable to populate this desolate world with her own kind. Not until she meets Fuminori.

A man whose view of the world drastically changed after being in a car accident. Fuminori perceives his surroundings as if they are drenched in blood and entrails, with worms squirming under his feet and all humans appearing as terrifying abominations. That is, all but one. In the hospital, he encounters a young girl who becomes his source of stability and comfort in a world that has descended into madness. She introduces herself as Saya, and Fuminori's immediate attachment with her is the sole reason he refrains from succumbing to despair and taking his own life. Her cuteness is amplified by the stark contrast between her and the bustling environment around her, creating a sense of dissonance as she stands out like a delicate flower in a chaotic city. She seeks pleasure in scaring the other mentally ill patients, but becomes captivated by Fuminori when he reveals that he doesn't find her particularly scary. He sees her as a beautiful girl. Hence in her eyes, he is a man that can give her what she demands. Love. As he comes to terms with his new existence, they quickly grow attached. He wants her to move in with him and live in the home that he inherited from his parents when they died. Slowly she begins revealing her true form (metaphorically) , undeniably, Fuminori has no choice but to reconcile. She is his only support in this grotesque world. His anchor. At the same time, he is supporting her in fulfilling her true wish. His and Saya's bond evolves from being roommates to a romantic mere relationship.. Maybe, if Fuminori saw Saya's true appearance and continue to love her, I would consider it an even purer form of love. The story continues as the humanity within him leaves his body, transforming him into a carnivorous beast. He doesn't understand where fiction ends and reality begins, making him a significant threat. It is disgusting how child-like she is and how he finds it cute while having intercourse with her. (Ignoring the fact she's not a child, not a human or even from this dimension..) It was very messed up at the beginning, prior to any information coming to light. Fuminori is dedicated to shielding Saya from the outside world, and in return, Saya is equally committed to safeguarding Fuminori. Together, the duo kills one of Fuminori's old friends and makes an attempt on another's life while probing into his current life. They literally embodied a humanoid monster and a monstrous human.

Koji is probably my favorite character.. He was so normal when he faced down the truth about his girlfriend's death. It's insane.. He insisted on interfering in Fuminori's distorted reality too much. Becoming ensnared in matters that surpass his comprehension, leading to the ultimate sacrifice of his sanity in the name of uncovering the truth. His primary intention was to help Fuminori, but it was soon overshadowed by hatred and despair. All he demanded was vengeance. The danger they present to the people in their vicinity is significant, particularly Saya, whose power to alter the minds and bodies of humans is continuously growing. Though I feel compassion and sympathy for Fuminori, I fully support Koji's decision. It's the morally right choice. It’s also impressive how the reader can feel sympathy for Fuminori, despite his deplorable actions, it is truly remarkable. It was clear that Fuminori would inevitably lose his emotions and humanity :/ making it impossible for anyone else to save him except for himself. In the end (world's sanity), Saya began to approach Fuminori one last time, but Koji refused to allow it. This truly highlights the strength of their friendship. No matter what has transpired, all he desires is for Fuminori to return to normal.

(At this point, i'm kinda tired of writing so I'll just quickly add a few more short comments.)

Omi and Yoh were necessary for the plot, but the characters were annoying and pointless. Yoh came off as brainless and surface-level to me, just an empty-headed hot body. She has been put in a comatose by Saya, destroying her mind. Omi died quickly, nobody really noticed. Her boyfriend seemed indifferent. They probably thought she spontaneously chose to go somewhere without telling them?? It felt like she was a sacrifice. Then we have Ryoko, a doctor at the university Fuminori was treated. She's also Fuminori's physician. Her identity as his caring doctor is just an endearing act. Outside her job, she's actually a badass chick with a double barrel shotgun. She's so fucking cool, I love her. A middle-aged woman that has 2 options: either to save humanity from eternal exctinction and doom or to drink alcohol till the world starts to rot (World's sanity and Final ending). She is definitely not talked about enough..

Personally, the way in the Bloom ending, the most horrific event imaginable is reversed in appearance into something beautiful through a distortion of perception is probably the most creative approach to beauty I've ever read. It stands out as one of the most beautiful works of art i've witnessed. The World's Sanity ending tore my heart as well. Saya became a human. She embraced love and death, as her body suffered and ultimately gave in to demise. She wanted to be with Fuminori even in death. The music was absolutely amazing and beautiful. It served as the perfect finishing touch. The way the music combines with the imagery really creates this hopeless, oppressive sense of despair and heaviness.. Creating the perfect atmosphere, it truly transported me into Saya's world through the screen and my headphones

I'm definitely looking forward in hearing other people's thoughts and POVs!

[writerbuddha]

Attachment Theory and Master Yoda - the Jedi Way to Security

Myths and facts about attachment

"Attachment" is a sticky word. An attachment, in its literal meaning, is a tie or fastening. Figuratively, it connotes a feeling that you like or love someone or something and that you would be unhappy without them. In the 2020s, it become quite popular to assert, "attachment", as it is used in colloquial speech, was proven to be the basis of our normal emotional and social development by modern psychology. However, this is very far from reality - the central concepts of attachment theory are fairly easy to understood, professionals of the field of attachment researchers are warning us not to be too eager to equate them with everyday conceptions of social relationships.

In attachment theory, "attachment" has a specific meaning: it is an emotional bond or tie between an individual and another, based on the need for safety, security and protection. An attachment relationship is said to exist when one preferentially seeks out and maintains proximity to a specific person and protests separation from that individual, uses that person as a safe haven during times of distress and uses the person as a secure base from which to explore the world. In the context of attachment theory, a "securely attached" child see their caregiver as a secure heaven to retreat for safety and protection in times of threat and danger, and a safe base from which to explore the world, learn new skills, face challenges in life.

The goal of our attachments in our adulthood is the same: it's to experience a sense of security and stability through establishing and maintaining high-quality, emotionally supportive relationships. In the context of psychology, the lack of attachments means lacking discriminated and preferential intimate relationships with persons who might serve as safe base and secure heaven. In the same time, attachment is not the same as, nor it is synonymous with "love", "affection", "bond", "relationship", nor does it serving as an overall descriptor for close human relationships. For example, a baby is "attached" to their parent, but the parent's "attachment" to the baby would be pathological and leave the child with severe psychological damage, deprived from feelings of safety and stability. Contrary to the popular belief, a "parent's attachment to their child" would not mean cuddling and kissing and loving and caring, but would mean the parent relying on the baby for care, security and protection. In adult relationships, "attachment" won't ensure that sex, attraction and love would exist, as those can split among different relationships. It should be also noted that an "attachment relationship" does not need to, and in certain contexts must not be reciprocal, and most activities children may have with "attachment figures" (e.g. playing or singing etc.) are not related to "attachment" at all.

The "attachments" of a Jedi Knight

The idea that a Jedi Knight is prohibited to have discriminated and preferential intimate relationships with persons who might serve as safe base and secure heaven, deprived from satisfying their basic human need for safety, security and protection, is based on the false belief that the "attachment" Western psychology views as a basis for healthy emotional and social development would cover the whole, board meaning of the term that it carries in colloquial speech. It's not surprising that this reading of the story fails to gather evidence from the actual Star Wars story to support itself: the Jedi are depicted in a way which is actually consistent with what is expected from an attachment-secure person. In truth, in George Lucas’ Star Wars, encompassed by the six movies and the six seasons of the Clone Wars series, the Jedi are consistently and explicitly depicted as safe base and secure heaven, required by Western attachment theory, to each other and their apprentices.

Although Jedi younglings are taken from their birth families very early, “they learn quickly that their true family is now the Jedi Order”, and sometimes, just like in the case of Tiplee and Tiplar, they are truly related by blood. Whenever a padawan describes their relationship with their master, they explain, they are/were like a parent to them. In Episode I, Obi-Wan Kenobi clearly shared a bond with Qui-Gon Jinn defined by trust, warmth and providing mutual comfort and care. In Episode II, Anakin Skywalker says, Obi-Wan Kenobi is “the closest thing to a father” or “like a father” to him. Although he keeps his marriage to Padmé Amidala in secret, he is comfortable to talk to him about his feelings for her openly, just like he talks about his nightmares with him, and the two were shown, and intended to be seen by George Lucas to have a “warm friendship”. In Clone Wars, Aayala Secura also described her relationship with her master as “he was like a father to me.” Ahsoka has an especially strong bond with Plo Koon, before and after she become Anakin’s padawan. Shaak Tii compares the Jedi Order to the brotherhood of the clones, “where the group and the individual are the same.” All these close relationships are showing that the Jedi were indeed forming the discriminated, preferential intimate relationships, involving receiving and giving love, affection, comfort, protection. Jedi Masters are indeed fulfilling the roles of "attachment figures"; individuals who're perceived to be stronger and wiser and to whom once can turn for support, protection and care.

"Attachment is forbidden. Possession is forbidden."

The kind of "attachment" Jedi Knights forbade, is defined in George Lucas' Star Wars story. In Episode II and III, attachment, as a form of love, is mentioned together with possession, and it's contrasted with compassion, defined as unconditional love. It’s said, it’s the shadow of greed, leading to jealousy, and when one formed an attachment, it means, they are holding on to something or someone, and they’re afraid to lose it. Attachment should be broken by letting go of what they fear to lose and accepting death as natural part of life.

Therefore, "attachment" is defined in accordance with the colloquial usage of the word: the feeling of you love/like something/someone, and that you would be unhappy without them. It's not hard to see that this feeling is locked together with the desire to keep them in your life, generating fear of the loss of the objects of attachment. It should be understood that by definition, attachment is ceased once one no longer wants these things and people to stay with them, or in other words, no longer desires them to stay as they are, not go away and not to change, so he will supplied with happiness. Letting go is essential - as Shmi tried to teach Anakin, "you can't stop change any more than you can stop the suns from setting." In other words, the Jedi way helps individuals achieve a more stable form of happiness, through revealing the impermanent nature of sensory experiences and helping individuals to accept the threat of impermanence and let go of attachment to their external sources of security.

"Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is central to a Jedi's life."

"Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is central to a Jedi's life" as Anakin explains to Padmé. Compassion is most often defined as sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it - showing kindness and warmth and being willing to help others is showing compassion. It's important to realize, wanting another person to be free from suffering and wanting another person to be happy, is essentially the two sides of the same coin - thus, it shall be clear why Anakin Skywalker defined compassion as "unconditional love."

When there is a genuine care for others' well-being and happiness, our hearts become warm, open and connected to others, and we ourselves feel a sense of genuine well-being. This is the mental joy that arises out of compassion - it's able to sustain itself, therefore, unlike sensory experiences and transient objects, it's everlasting. Thus, "attachment", as it's used in colloquial language, is "forbidden" and "must not be formed", so the Jedi Knight will be free from all the grasping and clinging attitudes, inherent to attachment. In the same time, the Jedi way highlights giving and receiving unconditional love, warmth, affection and support. As George Lucas himself said: "A Jedi is never lonely. They live on compassion. They live on helping people, and people love them. They can love people back. But when that person dies, they let go. Those that cannot let go become miserable. That's the lonely place."

In Conclusion

Although at first glance, "attachment is forbidden" and "a Jedi must not form attachments" are seeming to be contradictory to Western psychology, it should be clear that the Jedi way, as it was presented in George Lucas' Star Wars story, isn't just consistent with but also complementary to modern Western psychology. Jedi Knights are forming discriminated, preferential intimate and supportive social relationships, which involves receiving and giving love, labeled as "attachments" in Western psychology. In the same time, it offers a road to security by minimizing tendencies to look for security in something permanent in a world in which everything changes, nothing is completely stable, certain, or immutable.

Sources:

Cornerstones of attachment research by Dr. Robbie Duschinsky, Oxford University Press, 2020. • Attachment in Adults: Clinical and Developmental Perspectives by Michael B. Sperling, William H. Berman, Guilford Press, 1944. • Understanding Attachment and Attachment Disorders: Theory, Evidence and Practice by Vivien Prior, Danya Glaser, Child and Adolescent Mental Health Series, Royal College of Psychiatrists’ Research and Training Unit, Jessica Kingsley, London and Philadelphia, 2006. • Falling Out of Romantic Love: A Therapeutic Guide for Individuals, Couples and Professionals by Crystal Wilhite Hemesath, Routledge, 2020. • Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications, 3th edition, edited by Jude Cassidy, Philip R. Shaver, The Guilford Press, 2016. • Attachment in Adulthood, Second Edition: Structure, Dynamics, and Change by Mario Mikulincer, Philip R. Shaver, The Guilford Press, 2016. • Adult Attachment - A Concise Introduction to Theory and Research by Omri Gillath, Gery C. Karantzas, R. Chris Fraley, Elsveier Science, 2016 • Restoring mentalizing in attachment relationships - treating trauma with plain old therapy by Jon G. Allen, Ph.D., American Psychiatric Publishing, Washington, DC and London, England, 2013. • Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization by Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D., TarcherPerigee, New York, 2020.

[aberrantundead]

Pinterest | Playlist | Artwork

Connor is an Undying Warlock with a neutral good alignment. Connor’s pronouns are he/they. They are classified as undead, aberration, and humanoid. They are 470 years old. He stands at 7 feet tall, or 2.13 meters. His weight is around 80-110 lbs (this includes the tentacles). Connor is intersex, non-binary, and pansexual with demiromantic tendencies. They are polyamorous and love being loved and loving others.

Connor as a character is unorthodox to the fullest extent, as they are largely homebrew. He is in a level 1-20 campaign ran by @skeletone that has been ongoing since 2019, and is expected to be ongoing for years to come. This character for me has been an ultimate expression as a coping mechanism for my relationship with death, fear of outer space (with Connor practically being an alien), and an expression of queerness that I, as a queer person, enjoy exploring. In a way, this character is a self portrait of major parts of myself.

Connor’s personality snapshot: expressive, open, self revealing, loves/hates large parties, loud, social, outgoing, does not like social isolation, assertive, positive, always busy, likes to fit in but also likes to stand out, enjoys leadership, brutally honest, trusting, optimistic, desires attention, dominant, aggressive, attachment prone, wants to be understood, lonely, melancholic, self loathing

Currently, Connor and their friends have saved the city of Waterdeep. They have struck alliances with many individuals such as Renaer Neverember, Volothamp Geddarm, Jarlaxle Baenre and Laerel Silverhand, while dealing with The Xanathar, mindflayers (most notably Nihiloor), devils, the Cassalanters, and Manshoon. Recently, they have ventured out to the North to successfully kill Auril who relentlessly was wailing on parts of Toril with her unforgiving winter weather. Auril’s demise was accomplished with help of another god’s Chosen, who took Auril’s divine spark and corrupted it with their own god’s essence. With Auril’s inflicted weather now removed, Connor and their friends can travel the oceans she froze to get to a forge that belongs to a golden dragon underneath Waterdeep. The group promised the golden dragon they would help reclaim it from another dragon who overtook it.

Connor’s in-depth information is below, and while I wish I could divulge all of Connor’s secrets, some of my teammates are on this site and are mutuals and in general are aware of the existence of this space, so I can only unveil right now what’s been given in game.

Current revealed facts about Connor in Legends of the Five:

• Connor once lived life as a human before. He was born as a human. Lived and loved as one. Connor’s previous name in life before taking up the name Connor was Alistair Reiter.

• Alistair Reiter had a wife, a child, and ran a church dedicated to Lathander. He was a priest.

• Present day Connor has a phobia of horses. This pertains to the fact that Alistair’s/Connor’s daughter in life was trampled to death by a horse.

• In hopes of trying to resurrect his dead daughter, Alistair dabbled into unknown forces of necromancy and made a pact with a mysterious entity in order to channel said necromancy.

• Learning this necromancy allowed him to attach another pair of limbs to himself amid his experimentation.

• Alistair’s hubris is what led to his death and downfall. Such is what happens when you play with forces of life and death and try to play God.

• For some years after his death and his body long since decayed, Alistair’s dead body was animated by a mysterious force and was sent on a killing spree against any wandering adventurers before the Spellplague deactivated him. His body was then put in a crypt, and wrapped in golden chains.

• Alistair was resurrected by a necromancer who found him in the crypts years later. Alistair then takes the name Connor out of a desire to not affiliate with his wretched past. Symbolism of a clean slate and starting over. The necromancer that resurrected him ended up being a short lived lover and partner until they both split amid an argument. Only recently has Connor been able to get over their ex.

• Connor finds out that he cannot die, and any time he is destroyed, he often reforms hours later. Whatever force keeps him animated, is clearly by a higher power—likely his warlock patron. Using dispel magic on him also temporarily deactivates him.

• Connor is part of a hivemind that has origins from the Far Realm.

• Connor has a sibling (or technically another him, if they’re a hivemind) named Exodus, who breached the material plane during a summoning ritual for a Far Realm entity named Auc’thil’une—with Exodus as the representative of Auc’thil’une. He changed from an incomprehensible entity into a human with tentacles in his eye sockets that he hides behind shades.

• Similarly, Connor is actually the mass of tentacles inside of the skeleton that was once his when he had flesh.

•Connor was born in the body of a human and lived as one—Exodus did not. Exodus finds himself disgruntled and disgusted at Connor’s empathy and love for this world, and at Connor’s developed humanity. Connor is an anomaly among aberrations for this reason. In no way should an aberration have humanity. • Connor’s golden chains apparently keep him sentient, and when they are removed, Connor loses all sense of self and begins to indiscriminately attack anything living, plagued by a feeling of hunger. These chains seem to belong a small organization of necromancers called The Order of the Golden Chain. They were often used by necromancers on their undead. Connor is considered a rogue undead with no master/necromancer controlling him. • Connor finds out that they have a suppressed appetite—and it’s a desire for living flesh. Dead flesh does not satisfy whatever dark primal hunger sits inside Connor. This rightfully horrifies Connor.

[jaggedjot]

An Extended Set of Notes on a Look at Season Two

Or, an attempt at being cohesive in extenuating circumstances.

"He wants you in pieces for the privilege of putting them back together as he sees fit." Armand has correctly identified Daniel's saviour complex (part projection-denial of his own feelings for Louis, part assertion of the white masculinity he leans into) with Louis.

There is a distinct edge to the smiles that Claudia and Armand give each other.

It is implied through the montage that Louis’ speech about his newfound commitment to pragmatic optimism ("Stop feeling sorry for yourself. A shit life beats no life. And where we're going now, we can't be running away again.") is aimed at Claudia. If that is the case, then Claudia is going to rightfully furious at this implicit criticism of her own despair at being an eternal adolescent, especially as this is coming from the man who played a significant role in causing that about. Not to mention the underlying resentment it suggests Louis has about her willingness to leave him, when Louis will be doing something similar to her later in the season.

I do need Sam Reid to teach classes about how to remove a shirt or waistcoat that smoothly.

The third episode of season one had Daniel point out how different Louis portrays Lestat in the present day to the original interview, namely that at the time he seemed to despite Lestat. Armand though clearly recognised that the anger and loathing Louis exhibited in the 1970s is something of a front to mask still existing love.

Initially I thought that Lestat was eating bible scripture, but, judging by the modern costume, he may be eating one of Armand’s scripts instead; the symbolism of both potential images is wonderful.

While Claudia and Madeline’s heads are already turned away, defeated, we catch a glimpse of Louis watching Lestat leave them to their fate.

Interesting that Armand is not going to pretend that there isn't something between him and Lestat.

Whoever blocks the sex scenes understands the importance of desperately grasping hands. I wonder if this tussle will end, as the previous one did, with Louis’ initial dominance fading as he allows himself to be overwhelmed.

“Let me guess, he’s your companion, finally. Picked another one over me!” It must be incredibly difficult for Claudia to see Louis find love, and be loved so intensely, when she is unable to in large part due to Louis' decision for her to be turned as a child. And for Louis to then decide that he has grown out of their relationship.

The line of "You fear Armand. You should fear the other one." before cutting to Louis smashing a glass against a priceless painting. My crazy girl is back.

Present day Louis actually seems to be wearing a colour that isn't black for the first time.

Even having rewound a dozen times, I still have no idea what horrific creature Louis imagines crawling out of the hollow of Lestat's throat. You would presume it would be a rat, but there is something insectoid to it.

A lot of theories about what happened on that fateful night in San Francisco being refuted or made more valid, specifically the seeming confirmation that it was Louis that left that scar on Daniel, and that the interview did take place the same night Louis and Daniel met.

Claudia and Louis sharing Madeleine is quite something.

The implication of the montage accompanying Claudia’s “You got to give up something to get something.” seems to be that Claudia is going to realise that she can never be fulfilled while maintaining her splintering relationship with Louis. Then for it to be followed up by Louis' "You and me, me and you." speech to her.

Santiago's inclusion in the "You and me, me and you." montage promises many things.

This trailer does nothing to contradict my theory that Armand is standing in the prompter’s box of his theatre during the trial, while claiming in the present day that he had no say over what happened next.

Please tell me Lestat's imagined ghost is not accompanying Louis and Armand during all their Parisian dates.

The shot of Lestat laughing while holding an ashing cigarette further confirms that there will be flashbacks to Rue Royale, as the blurred background looks very similar to the downstairs room.

"Pieces of my life gone. I knew who I was without those pieces." LOUIS.

The toast between Claudia, Madeleine, Louis and Armand seems to be taking place immediately before the trial, because Claudia is wearing the same fateful yellow dress and Madeleine the same blue blouse and, seemingly, red two-piece skirt and jacket.

The collapse of the bookshelves containing memorabilia of the past are not clearly connected to something happening in an interview session. If this is a response to something dramatic or particularly emotional in the story, you would expect Daniel to be up close, not sitting behind a desk alone.

It does hurt me to see Louis cry.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: I'm an ENFP, I'm 30 years old and I’m really needing to work on my self-confidence for me and for dealing with people. I’ve read in our blogs some posts that reinforce the importance of developing skills to have confidence. I think it's very legitimate.

In this process of learning new things, I often find myself in great difficulty and my inner child agonizes with insecurity. I look at friends who have confidence in themselves as something natural: confidence that they will learn, confidence in themselves, but unfortunately I am very unstructured (poor growth environment, without incentives), so I have a lot of difficulty trusting myself: especially being so inexperienced, clumsy and slow to learn everything.

What gets worse is being in environments where people don't have patience with beginners. Like now I'm living in a foreign country where people are very rude in the workplace. This hurts me a lot, because I have problems asserting myself and being respected. I discovered that they need rudeness to respect others. How to deal with this? Would I be able to impose myself without getting nervous and acting rude (as they usually have to do)?

And more, how can we learn from this situation? How can I be truly confident and also how can I simply demonstrate more confidence to make myself respected? I'm tired of conveying weakness. People don't value my sweetness it's not a good tool for me right now. How to develop self-confidence, at least start to demonstrate a little confidence and boundaries! And in the midst of this, the most important thing: how do you deal with such unpleasant people? Especially me being used to being such a sweet, "silly" person, always with my guard down, calm and considered weak by others.

---------------------

You seem to be talking about two issues that need unpacking separately: 1) personality, and 2) confidence.

You're having a personality clash with the people at work. Analytical psychology posits that personality clashes are disturbing because they remind you of negative things in yourself you dislike, so there is a need to go within to see what's really happening.

To be clear, I'm not denying that toxic people/environments exist. I believe your description and I would certainly dislike the workplace myself. The point I'm making is, when you have no choice but to be in that sort of environment, there are healthier ways to navigate it, but being judgmental about people is not a healthy way. Judgmentalness is a sign of projection, which is an unhealthy defense mechanism, see previous posts on the topic.

One basic thing type theory teaches us is there are different people in this world. Therefore, one must always begin with acceptance of differences, if one hopes to have healthy relationships in every realm of life. You've come to identify with the so-called "sweet" aspects of your personality. When you identify with one side of yourself, you tend to unconsciously valorize that side, otherwise, you might end up hating yourself. However, in the process of valorizing that side, you inadvertently end up denying, devaluing, dismissing, or denigrating its opposite. It's no accident that these "rude" people trigger you. They bring to light your unconscious self-rejections.

Workplace = professionalism. To succeed in any workplace, it's important to set a clear boundary between private and public. It isn't appropriate to use the workplace to hash out personal issues. E.g. It's not a place to play games about who you favor or dislike. It's not a place to seek validation to soothe your insecurities. I would even argue it's not a great place to seek friendship or companionship. When you bring the personal into the professional, you are more likely to create mess, drama, discord, and conflict. Of course, there are people who live for messiness. Ask yourself exactly what role you want work to play in your life and behave in accordance with those values/principles in every workplace.

When you describe yourself in mostly positive terms ("sweet") and describe other people in very negative terms like "rude", "impatient", or "unpleasant", there is a possibility that you are biased. Typism is a bias. It means you believe some personalities/traits to be superior or inferior to others. ENFPs typically hope to get along well with all sorts of people. If you hope for that, you need to eliminate typist thinking. This requires learning to always approach people in a neutral/professional manner, even when you dislike them at first. You don't know the full story behind people. Oftentimes, the majority of people in toxic environments are just like you, i.e., struggling to survive and doing whatever it takes to keep out of trouble.

When you approach people in a neutral/professional manner, you should adopt an objective perspective about them. Yes, you see their faults, but you shouldn't lose sight of their redeeming qualities. When you're being judgmental, you're likely to dismiss people whole-hog, unable to see their redeeming qualities. Being blind to the positive means you lose opportunities for improving the situation, which means losing hope, which means losing self-confidence as you feel more and more passive and helpless.

How about, instead of using the word "rude", call them "direct" or "candid"? Instead of "impatient", how about "efficient"? When you use more neutral language to characterize people, you reinforce the idea that every personality trait has its pros and cons. When you can finally visualize the upside, you can harness it to your advantage. This allows you to let go of negative feelings and focus on the work itself. Nobody is asking you to marry these people. All you have to do is work with them long enough to get stuff done. Keep your feelings to yourself and stick only to the facts. Once work is done, go home, put it out of your mind, and get on with the rest of your life. If there are things you need to learn to improve your performance in the workplace, spend time on self-improvement outside of work in order to speed up your progress.

.

With regard to confidence, when people bring up "lack of confidence", they often conflate several different concepts including: self-confidence, self-efficacy, self-esteem, and self-worth. It can be a complicated topic, so I'll elaborate on it for future reference. Some non-native English speakers have mentioned to me that their native tongue doesn't have direct translations for these four concepts, so beware that language might be a barrier for understanding them.

These four terms are relatively new in English as well; it wasn't until recently that they've started to filter down from academia into mainstream vocabulary. We know that these four concepts are distinct because, in the course of examining people who fall broadly under the category of "confidence issues", psychologists discovered that different people had somewhat different underlying processes happening, e.g., you could be good with one but struggle with the others. Of course, over time, how people use these terms in everyday language gets fuzzy, as the meaning diverges from the original academic definitions. I'll explain my understanding of them. You specifically mention learning issues, so I'll also connect to that.

I. SELF-CONFIDENCE arises from the degree to which you feel in control. If you 1) have good self-control, 2) feel as though you mostly have control over the direction of your life, and 3) feel as though you have enough control over your environment, then you're likely to feel self-confident. Thus, reflect on whether you feel some deficits in any of the above. There are things you can do to get a firmer sense of control.

Self-control is sometimes related to discipline, which means the ability to delay immediate gratification for a more important future goal. If you tend to be spontaneous, impulsive, or rebellious, then it's easy for you to lose sight of the bigger picture and it's hard for you to follow good learning procedures, which can easily derail your learning process. Some ways to improve your self-control over time:

improve your big-picture thinking so that you don't forget about your ultimate goal (through Ne)

learn the value of following good methods/procedures for achieving a goal (stop resisting Si)

structure your environment more intentionally to eliminate distractions/temptations and reward progress (tap into Te)

Having enough control over the direction of your life often relates to your ability to make good decisions. If you tend to be very emotional, indecisive, or easily overwhelmed by too much information, then it indicates you don't have a good system for processing the information required to inform your decisions. One way to improve your information processing ability is to improve your critical thinking skills. Critical thinking involves parsing information correctly, understanding its meaning, and systematizing information, in service of determining the best course of action (see past posts and recommended books). When learning, not being able to organize information and create feasible plans means slow progress.

Feeling a sense of control over the environment is often related to problem-solving skills. What happens when you meet a problem or challenge? Anxiety? Panic? Anger? Spiraling out of control? To have good problem-solving skills involves: deducing cause and effect, analyzing situations objectively, drawing valid conclusions, and generating good ideas and action-plans. Problem-solving is an important part of the critical thinking skills mentioned above. The process of learning is never completely smooth. You are bound to meet challenges and obstacles, so how do you address them? Self-confident people don't tend to focus on how they feel about problems, rather, they mostly focus on the problem itself and try to solve it as quickly as possible. When the problem is gone, the negative feelings go away.

II. SELF-EFFICACY arises from the degree to which you have faith in yourself, specifically your abilities. Efficacy means being able to bring forth an intended result (effectively) or reach an intended goal (efficiently). When you meet a problem/challenge, do you believe you have enough knowledge and skill to overcome it? If so, you have good self-efficacy. If not, do you believe, with enough dedicated learning and improvement, you can overcome it eventually? That is also good self-efficacy. In essence, it means you believe in yourself, with regard to possessing the resources or being able to obtain the resources necessary to succeed in reaching your goals.

Self-efficacy is sometimes related to competency and mastery. Being young and inexperienced, it's normal to have lower self-efficacy than someone older and wiser. In the learning process, it's important to have compassion for yourself and evaluate your progress fairly. Is the level of competency/mastery you expect from yourself proportional to the reality of your situation? If you haven't had many learning opportunities, through no fault of your own, then you shouldn't feel ashamed for being a bit "behind". This is NOT a personal flaw/failing that deserves punishment.

Note that "ahead" or "behind" are relative terms, meaning they can be understood from different perspectives, so are you using the right perspective? For example, are you evaluating yourself through your own eyes, through the eyes of your rivals, or through the eyes of an expert on the subject matter? Use fair and reasonable benchmarks/standards to measure where you are and where you should be. One reason people of any age suffer self-doubt is because they are too honest about what they don't know or can't do, to the point where they become dismissive of what they do know and can do. It's very important to be objective and balanced when assessing what you lack by also fully recognizing what you already possess or have achieved so far.

In my humble opinion, I believe people already possess everything they need to have good self-efficacy. Human beings evolved to be adaptable and that is largely how they have succeeded as a species. You have the capacity to learn and adapt to your environment. Get back in touch with it, have faith in it, and harness it as necessary. Instead of thinking there's only ONE WAY things should/must go, be more flexible and open to alternatives (use Ne).

III. SELF-ESTEEM refers to how you generally feel about yourself. This is usually related to the kinds of beliefs you have about yourself and the part they play in constructing your self-concept. The beliefs you have about yourself (e.g. about who you are and what you are capable of) are heavily influenced by your past experiences.

One of the most common signs of low self-esteem is negative self-talk. Observe the kinds of things you say to yourself in your head. Is it mostly negative, neutral, or positive? If it's mostly negative, how are you meant to feel good about yourself? People with low self-esteem say very nasty things to themselves that they would never dream of saying to others. Why the double standard? As a "sweet" person, you have empathy for others, so be sure to extend the same empathy to yourself.

An example related to learning: I've unfortunately known too many students to abandon a subject simply because one of their (jerkass) teachers told them they would never be good at it. The negative experience led them to form the belief that "they weren't meant to study it" and couldn't succeed even if they tried. Every time they encountered the subject, the belief would rise up and they'd talk themselves out of trying. Of course, watching themselves fall further and further behind through repeated failures made them feel worse and worse about themselves. Self-esteem can be damaged in a vicious cycle: By believing the worst of yourself, you aren't properly motivated to learn and improve, and then you meet failure after failure, which then confirms your negative beliefs about yourself.

One good way to tackle low self-esteem is cognitive-behavioral therapy. A cognitive-behavioral therapist is trained to bring to light your underlying beliefs (and how they interact with your feelings and behaviors). By bringing unrealistic beliefs into consciousness, you open up space to change them or adjust them to be better aligned with reality. Perhaps you need to reflect on the beliefs you have about yourself, regarding who you are/aren't, who you're supposed/not supposed to be, what you hope/don't hope to be, what you are/aren't capable of, etc. Are your beliefs attuned to your current reality? Negative past experiences don't have to dictate your future, but they will if you're unaware of how they still influence you today.

IV. SELF-WORTH refers to feeling "good enough", specifically whether you believe you are worthy of acceptance and love. When you're young, your sense of self-worth arises in large part from how you were regularly treated by the people around you. If you grew up in an environment where love was conditional, then your self-worth likely became tied to those conditions. For example, if your parents only show you love when you get As in school, it's likely that your self-worth will become tied to your academic performance and future professional success.

Self-worth can also be damaged in a vicious cycle. If you believe you aren't worthy of love, then you signal to others that it's okay to treat you poorly, which reinforces the idea that you aren't worthy. One common way people defend against low self-worth is to make themselves into something "better" or more "worthy" to their social environment, or to obtain something they can offer in exchange for social validation of their worth (e.g. wealth or status). This striving can lead to problems with overachieving, perfectionism, anxiety, depression, self-blame, or self-harm.

One common way to tell if you suffer self-worth issues is if you are often engaged in social comparison that leads you to envy people you deem somehow "superior" to you and/or feel shame about being "inferior" to them. If that's the case, it's likely that you need to correct some faulty thinking patterns:

Don't make illogical comparisons, such as comparing your first step against someone else's thousandth step. These kinds of illogical comparisons exacerbate feelings of unworthiness. You're inflicting pain upon yourself by thinking this way.

Don't be superficial and judge people only by their cover. Remember, you don't really know what someone went through to get where they are today. Perhaps if you knew the full story, their situation wouldn't seem very enviable at all. Maybe you want to play golf as well as Tiger Woods, but would you also want to give up your childhood and constantly suffer harsh treatment as he did?

Don't expect that every person should be the same, know the same things, have the same abilities, live the same life, etc. Respect individuality, which means allow for differences between yourself and others. Understand that everyone has their own path in life rather than believing everyone should conform to the same crude standard (i.e. avoid Te loop).

Do you desperately need everyone to like you or think you're great? Wanting the approval of toxic people is basically granting them power over you. Don't hurt yourself by trying to become something you're not just because someone triggered your insecurity. Insecurity is your problem, not their problem. It is the insecurity itself you need to face up to by reflecting on where it really comes from and what it says about your ability to accept and love yourself as you are (this is related to problems with Fi development in ENFPs).

What many people with low self-worth don't understand is that self-worth starts from within; it doesn't come from the people out there. When you're able to accept and love yourself and stand proud in who you are (without all those "conditions" that were imposed upon you earlier in life), you'll then be capable of teaching others to respect you. With healthy pride in yourself, it's far easier to be assertive, set boundaries, and advocate for your needs. Why? Because you firmly believe you matter, you have a right to the space you inhabit, you have a right to be yourself, and you deserve to be treated as an equal. It's also easier to ignore, dismiss, or eject toxic people when you finally realize that you don't need or want anything from them.

All four of these concepts relate to how you perceive and evaluate yourself, but from different angles. You mention feeling insecure, but which of the above gets closer to the root of the issue? It's important to be more precise about identifying the problem if you hope to come up with the right solution.

[zekeen]

OC Interaction

Thank you @pinkberrytea for tagging me! 😃💖

Now, brain activation... 🧠😵‍💫 "OC lore, come to me"

My OC

Kat(aigyda)'s mother was a tiefling and his father a half-drow from Baldur's Gate lower city. So, bad mix to make good first impressions on most people in the city. He was abandoned to an orphanage by his father shortly after his mother died, as he grew up, he figured out he was a sorcerer and was capable of using magic naturally, particularly stormy and psychic ones. He grew up lonely and often ostracized, therefore he holds a grudge against people too hasty to judge him. In order to get by, he became a criminal, he learned how to manipulate people when needed, also his talents in magic allowed him to work for the guild.

For his personality, he's seemingly friendly and polite to people. He presents himself as an assertive person but is actually filled with self-doubt. He's a bit lazy, and sleeps a lot. He may be good on surface level relationships but struggles with allowing people to get close enough to really know him.

Your OC

Mavka is a Bhaalspawn, product of a foul ritual wherein borrowing the power of the archdevil Mephistopheles to sire a creature born from his own gore , the evil god would crush a fae, from whose bones and innards mixed with his blood, a child would come to be—a child born from murder. She was not Bhaal’s first solo venture, although her older Dragonborn sibling bore a purer lineage, for Bhaal was able to conceive him with no external aid. The sole purpose of her existence was to be bred by her brother, and thus, it was decided that she would be raised by a mortal family until her coming of age—that is, until she first bled. Left at the doorstep of a human patriar known for his feverish adoration of Tyr, one of Bhaal’s enemies, she was taken in by him for he saw in her an opportunity to cleanse the rot, raising a devilish child into a devout woman. As she matured into a young girl, however, his obsession with her grew, and with it, the resentment of her foster mother and sisters. Physically and mentally abused on a daily basis, completely isolated and with not a single friend to call her own, she was primed for the Urge; the moment she gave up on living was the moment when her true father would convince her to give herself to him. And thus, on the day of her 13th birthday, with the blood of her menarch running down her thighs, Bhaal would use her as a flesh puppet to take the lives of all members of her foster family as she helplessly watched, a pitiful passenger inside her own body.

Personality-wise, she is quiet and soft-spoken, a little gloomy, but gentle and kind. Her past molded her into a needy, clingy individual, who is willing to submit to others in whatever way to quench her thirst for kinship; self-loathing to a fault, she voluntarily waives control to anyone who will ask, for she trusts herself not with anything. She is constantly scared of being left behind, and thus, will do anything she can to please those around her, her pathetic desperation often translating into selfishness. There is, however, a silly, girlish side to her, and she enjoys bantering with her friends and making them smile. She loves animals and children, although her sometimes worrying naïveté does make her an easy target for the likes of Mol. Also, when it comes to domestic tasks, her skills are appalling, but no one with a heart would ever tell her that as she sweetly bats her eyelashes at them while offering a plate of the most vile thing you can think of.

I think that as long as Mav and Kat are working towards a common goal, they would get along just fine, they might even become friends but I fear that at first he might try to take advantage of her naiveté... But he would rapidly get fond of her gentleness and try to cook her a good meal as often as possible. (That's also a way to prevent Mav's vile cooking from occurring too often 🤭)

I’m tagging @selemchant , @pastel-starr-bitch , @cryptidcryptic , @lavender-ravens , @bananasfosterparent only if you want to of course ! :)

[ohm-myy-god]

Hello Edna and Harvey fans & all interested parties, here I present to you my made up fan-lore for Edna’s mom (and her dynamics with other characters and all that). Also featuring some supplemental artwork.

Warning in advance it’s very long, but it’s split into sections and has pictures so hopefully it’s bearable. Have fun…

Sketch page from May 2022

So this is my character for Edna’s mom, her name is Ana. 

My main idea for her was that, in contrast to Mattis’s sort of helpless attitude about parenting, she was the more assertive parent. Not necessarily mean or strict, but she had more self confidence and experience working with children, and overall gave the impression that she “knew what she was doing”, at least from her husband's perspective. 

This leads into her passing being not only a major blow for her family for obvious reasons, but also because Mattis wasn’t ready to be a single parent and never really adapted to the role. He was very stressed all the time and part of that came from feeling extremely inferior in his capabilities of being a father, with pressure from his neighbor/friend who seemed to have the most perfectly behaved kid(s) (ah yes the perfect family nothing to see here), and from his belief that his wife would’ve made a better single parent than him. That’s not necessarily the truth, as it would’ve been hard for anyone, but that was his perception of it. 

I’ll now go into outlining her individual personality and her relationship with her family:

Physical description:

Appearance Timeline:

(Note on her Birth Year: My whole e&h timeline is based around the assumption that Brich Aus takes place in 2008; so Edna was born in ~1990 and Mattis was born in ~1957, give or take a year. This also therefore means Mattis and anyone his age is a boomer (heartbreaking).) 

Name- Ana is a name I picked for no specific reason. I don’t know why I used that spelling instead of Anna but I did, and I’m used to it now, but if you prefer Anna it also works. 

I didn’t pick a maiden name yet, so for now she only exists as Ana Konrad. DOCTOR Konrad actually but we’ll get to that. 

Appearance- Ana looks very much like her daughter; they have the same eyes and complexion and hair (albeit different styles). I think the more “realistic” you try to make Edna and Harvey the more confusing it gets, so yeah their purple hair is genetic and natural and not specific to Edna (I mean it’s not like she could dye it in the hospital anyway). I just think of it as regular dark hair in their universe. 

Personality:

In terms of personality, Ana was very goal-oriented. She was calmer and more collected than Edna, but just as determined to do whatever she set her mind to. She liked reading and writing more than Edna, but much like Edna she was always rather lonely no matter how outgoing she was. Their circumstances were different, but both Edna and her mom were kind of socially outcast growing up.

I’ll go more into her time at school in a later section, but when going to Uni her choice was to study psychology, and eventually be a child psychiatrist. Which might seem random but LISTEN… I think the idea of her being a psychiatrist with a completely different mindset from Marcel’s is a fun one, and it sorta adds to the tragedy of “man, if only someone could’ve stopped this” when it comes to how Mattis bought into Marcel’s ideology. And it adds another layer as to why Mattis trusts in unstable hypothetical science so much more than himself or his own daughter. And overall, I think she is a “strong-headed professional” just by personality, and being a doctor makes her seem far more impressive or competent than Mattis (especially from his perspective). 

As a kid, Ana loved climbing trees. She and Mattis spent a lot of time there as kids. She also loved to sing and dance, things she probably did less and less as she got older. 

Being that they lived next to a church in a small town, it seems to be that the Konrads were at least a bit religious (and in the audio book they mention Edna threw a Bible in the basement fireplace). I haven’t really thought about how that might play into their lives, but I like the angle that Mattis became more religious / started going to church after his wife died. (Edna meanwhile is not religious—too many arbitrary rules for her.)

Relationship with neighbors:

Ana was definitely more suspicious of Marcel when they first moved next to him than her husband was. Not that she assumed he was evil or anything, but she was a bit worried about how he was parenting his kids. Ana found the kids’ behavior more concerning than “exemplary”. But she chalked it up to Marcel having a hard time adjusting after his wife left and didn’t really investigate; she wasn’t around for the whole “we should brainwash kids to make them behave better” era, that happened later. She probably just vaguely distrusted him. 

I like to imagine she hung out with Ruben if the neighbors came over too. Kind of like how Mattis would end up “babysitting” Edna and Alfred later on a lot, maybe she’d play cards with him or something and inadvertently create a more positive experience than anything Marcel ever did. Ruben needs someone in his life looking out for him…unfortunately this arrangement didn’t last long. 

Relationship with Edna’s dad:

Ana and Mattis were childhood sweethearts; I imagine they met in high school and started dating near the end of it, so maybe the final year before university. But they were friends before that too. 

Basically, their dynamic as kids was “trouble maker” and “kid who gets good grades but is also a trouble maker”. I like the idea that in contrast to his adult personality, Mattis was a lot more like Edna as a kid; he was still always a bit timid, but he had a rebellious phase where he wanted to stick it to the authorities and lash out more. At this point in his adolescence, he got into trouble a lot, and it wasn’t until Uni that he really changed himself around. (However, ironically, instead of being able to sympathize with his daughter when she started acting out later, he could only envision all the bad things that might happen to her as a consequence of her behavior and it made him all the more stressed to find a way to “fix” her.) 

Ana, however, wasn’t quite so rebellious and did well at school. She felt the same way on the inside, though, and the two found kinship in wanting to “run away from it all” and escape pressure from family/peers. They would hang out on tree branches and throw rocks at people they didn’t like, but Ana still avoided anything that might get her in serious trouble. 

But basically, dumb kids doing shenanigans. Ana didn’t think Mattis was particularly smart for vandalizing property and getting detention, but she also didn’t think less of him for it. Perhaps she had the “oh I can fix him” mindset, but mostly she was admiring his dedication. 

But when it was time to go to university they decided to break up, since they’d be moving apart. They were sad about it, but they both moved along and figured they’d never see eachother again.

…That was, until they met again sort of randomly as adults years later.

This was probably 4 or more years after they’d started Uni; Ana was still in school and was a bit too busy for a serious relationship but they stuck together anyway and ended up dating again. This ended up working out, and they eventually got married. (Apparently it isn’t that uncommon to marry even while pursuing a doctorate, but I haven’t picked what year they got married. Shrug)

(Note about psychiatric education lmao- from what I can tell, it takes at least 6 years of medical school and an additional 5 years of full-time employment to become board-certified psychiatrist. Assuming Ana started university when she was 18, she was at least 30 when she got her doctor's degree.) 

(Also, I can imagine being a woman pursuing a doctorate in the 80s wasn’t that common or easy, and I thought about her just being a psychologist instead since that takes half the amount of time. However have you considered the THEMATIC PARALLELS the IRONY of it all… Edna’s mom was a doctor and it’s funnier that way.) 

Mattis and his wife would definitely be at odds sometimes because of the difference in their personalities. I think the dynamic would provide interesting conflict & they’d work it out. 

Parenting:

So I suppose the big question is, how would Ana have affected Edna’s life had she lived longer?

I think the loss of her mother contributed heavily to Edna’s childhood rebelliousness. Not that she wouldn’t have had behavioral issues or struggled with making friends anyway, but I think she became so dependent on her own subconscious / on Harvey as a result of loneliness; evidence from the comic can back this up. In the comic, Edna is very withdrawn and more timid pre-Harvey, and Harvey’s eventual personality seems to be highly influenced by Freya - Edna’s close friend who coped with her own struggles by rebelling instead of following all the rules. Seeing as both girls also had a missing mother figure (again, WHO DOESN'T IN THIS SERIES), I don’t think it’s a stretch to imagine Edna started feeling alone in the world when her mother passed. 

But tangent aside, I don’t think Ana would’ve necessarily had an easier time with Edna than Mattis, but with the crucial difference that she wouldn't have been so easily influenced by others opinion on her parenting (eg Marcel). Anyone has insecurities, but listening to someone else basically say “your kid should get brainwashed” and thinking “mmmm maybe” is a very concerning state of mind. 

Ana would have been frustrated and would have got impatient. She would have wanted Edna to “act normal” but she might have been more adept at figuring out WHY she was acting out. But meanwhile, I also think that being a doctor, there would have been tension in the fact that Ana saw “patients” and her daughter as entirely separate; thinking, Edna couldn’t be as mentally ill as the people she worked with…there must be a different answer…

But as a little kid, Edna got along just fine with her mom. They played together and did puzzles and ran in the sprinklers and mud and everything like that. Maybe even played with stuffed animals pretending that they could talk. 

Rip 💀

So: death. For the record I think the trope of “main character’s mom died” isn’t very intriguing or creative (and I mean. Do you know any e&h characters with a mom? any of them? Exactly.) However, it isn’t even brought up by Edna in the game at all, and the “show not tell” aspect is a bit cool at least. (It isn’t even until the “yo mama” joke in the 2nd game that Edna is pointed out as an orphan. Her memory got washed and all so she didn’t even think of her mom when looking through her old house.) And if we were to ignore poki’s character profile website, yes, it’s also equally as plausible that Edna’s mom left rather than died. BUT personally I prefer this version because I already wrote this whole thing lol (and anyway, I think Marcel’s wife for sure left him, and we don’t want to get too repetitive). 

But how did she die??…I haven’t really picked an answer to that. 

If we’re looking for story parallels, medical malpractice or even being MURDERED might work, but I just don’t really know. Maybe it’s a let-down, but I’m indecisive, sorry  🤷 

Ana became sort of idolized in death by Mattis especially, since Edna couldn't properly remember her as time went on. 

Bit of a tangent, but I think a lot of self doubt and insecurity and general depression contributed to Mattis being lost about parenting—with the fact that Edna was intentionally acting out, fighting against something she saw as intrinsically opposed to her. In the 1st tempomorph Edna “sees” through Harvey that her dad is betraying her and eating ice cream with Alfred- this is her imagination, but it shows her perception of her father as a kid, that he wasn’t looking out for her. I think it’s clear Mattis cared about his daughter but he was just unable to rise above his own insecurities and be there for her. (I also think he went a teensy bit off-the-rails when the Murder happened and that’s partially why he pleaded guilty. Guy broke down). After all, his wife wouldn’t have ever let Edna act so uncontrollably if she were alive, would she?  

That’s it

Thanks for reading all that if you did!! Hope reading about shit I made up was entertaining. I might do this again with other characters for funsies at some point in the distant future, we’ll see. 

She isn’t even a character I spend too much time thinking about, so I figured this would be a good way to practice organizing my thoughts. And draw her some more since it’d been a while. It was fun.

Let me know your thoughts/impressions of her…

& goodbye 👋 

Bonus- sketches from May 2022