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jecook · 5 months ago

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Dabihawks Fanfic Recs #3

(In no particular order) Fic Rec List #1 Fic Rec List #2 Fic Rec List #4 LoV Found Family List halcyon phanatics Complete Rating: E Words: 44,109 Chapters: 4/4 Summary: Since the end of the war, Hawks has spent his summers heading up a youth camp for kids with troublesome Quirks. It’s the least he can do, when the seasons drag in the city and Hawks is escaping ghosts he can’t outrun. This year is looking to be the same as any other. He’s expecting campfires. He’s expecting mosquito bites. He’s expecting to end up in the lake. He’s not expecting Dabi.

Notes: Post-canon camp for kids with difficult quirks really is the perfect place for Touya and Keigo to reconnect mid-healing process. They’re doing better, but not perfect. phanatics captures them at the perfect moment to craft a cathartic story. Truly, the post-canon we deserved. Read “halcyon” to be healed <3

Summer Smoke Aymee Incomplete Rating: E Words: 12,527 Chapters: 3/? Summary: Hawks has changed, and nobody has noticed. Hawks is different, and only Dabi can tell. -a DabiHawks love horrorstory

Notes: Aymee’s horror fic begins with creeping horror that builds into a mysterious you can sink your teeth into. Case fics are always fun to follow along with as they come out, so I suggest getting in on this one early so you can relish the mystery.

Bite The Hand That Steals You lionalice @lionalicelives Complete Rating: T Words: 6,141 Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Dabi wakes up in Ujiko's lab with thoughts of Hawks. The past and present mix together as he tries to get free and stay conscious, but months are passing regardless. It isn't until a Nomu attack that Dabi is able to find out what's happened both to himself and to Hawks.

Notes: I love an eerie story. This one keeps you guessing at what has happened, always with an idea but never able to say exactly what Ujiko has done to our boys. A darker read, but lionalice still leaves us with triumph.

Reddit, AITA? Nocturnalgf Complete Rating: G Words: 8,713 Chapters: 1/1 Summary: I (23M) faked my own death when I was 13. WIBTA if I didn't tell my boyfriend? (A story told through Reddit posts)

Notes: This fic is a delightful series of Reddit posts from across the Todofam and Hawks. Whenever you're looking for a fun read, this is one to open up.

For Better or for Worse pbjamas @pbjamas Incomplete Rating: T Words: 27,657 Chapters: 6/? Summary: In prison after the war, Hawks is an aimless shadow of his old self. Dabi showing up as a fellow inmate doesn’t exactly…fix that, but it sure does do something.

Notes: In reccing this fic, I just noticed this was originally for Hurt Hawks Week. This fic certainly knows how to hurt him–but also how to showcase his cunning and strategy. Plus, his tension with Dabi is palpable, always shifting as they edge closer and closer to romance. This fic has perfect pacing, and I encourage you to read it as it updates to enjoy the suspense.

a preconceived truth jihnari @jihnari Complete Rating: M Words: 2,462 Chapters: 1/1 Summary:

Hawks' approach is languid, his expression is easy and open. Even knowing it's fake, Dabi can't see the cracks in the façade. Horrifying, really. "Hey," Hawks greets as he enters the shadow of the alley. He then proceeds to crash against the brick wall at a glacial pace, face smooshed up against the brick and his shoulders and torso slumping to follow. In half surprise, half genuine glee, Dabi cackles. Hawks' arm twitches at his side like maybe he'd flip Dabi off if he had the strength. Dabi's still chuckling when he asks, "How ya feelin', hero?" "Like shit," Hawks grumbles into the wall. "You look it," Dabi assures him, grinning and pulling out his phone. He came all this way; Hawks can afford to wait a minute while Dabi gets a few pictures.

Trying to get a ride home from a party, Hawks misdials and gets Dabi. Dabi, thinking it'll be fun to see his "favorite hero" drunk out of his mind, agrees to help Hawks get home.

Things get a lot less fun when Dabi realizes Hawks isn't drunk.

Notes: jihnari creates a careful balance between two people who don’t care about each other while maintaining the relationship of a contact and criminal, a spy and his mark. The distance is palpable, while their actions tell a different story. Dabihawks here is a subtle, a delicious flavor for this ship.

The Cat and the Hawk Minako25 Complete Rating: G Words: 16,647 Chapters: 6/6 Summary: While lurking the streets at night, Dabi ends up in a furry menagerie of chaos. Meanwhile on a urgent mission to find a missing child, Hawks misses the elephant in the room. Now villain and hero must get their ducks in a row to resolve the hairy situation they find themselves in. Or Dabi and Hawks get turned into animals and have to work together to rescue a child and turn themselves back into humans. Loosely inspire by Homeward Bound and other transmutation tails.

Notes: This fic is just so cute! Minako moves past several fun characters and settings for a lighthearted adventure that made me smile with every chapter. Read this fic for an easygoing pick-me-up.

Happy reading! Remember to leaves kudos, comments, and subscribe to in-progress fics! Support in-progress fics is, of course, the best way to get more completed works, so don't shy away from incomplete works. Thanks for reading this list <3

#dabihawks #dabihawks fic rec #fic recs #bnha fic rec #bnha #mha #dabi #hawks #takami keigo #todoroki touya #touya todoroki #keigo takami #toukei #if anyone has a tumblr but wasn't tagged pls lmk!

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kayewrite · 10 months ago

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Maybe this time

genre: exes to lovers (?)! angst with happy ending!! word count: 2.6k

Han Jisung x reader!! han x fem reader

wherein; Two old friends reunite and reminisce about their shared past. As they reconnect, they wonder if time can bridge the gap they left behind. Will their bond pick up where it left off, or will this meeting pave the way for a new chapter? maybe this time…

(i really want to write this before and glad i finally made it i hope you like it!!)

ps: im sorry i dont really make another part in my works because i want to leave it as open ending and let my readers continue the story on their own. but if i have time and decide to make, ill promise ill make one (especially 'want so bad')

but i hope you enjoy reading because i love making this fic. thank youu. love lots :) please love this as much i love it

Life… is beautiful.

Even if it is full of pain, sadness, and hurt.

Even if it is full of tears, there are also moments of happiness, smiles, and gladness.

Life is a roller coaster. It lifts you up, then plunges you down, only to rise again. When you step into the cart for the first time, you know it will bring a whirlwind of emotions—fear, joy, anxiety. You know from the start what to expect, yet you still take the ride because deep down, you believe it will be worth it in the end.

You smile as you finish writing the last sentence in your book, the final period punctuating months of dedication and passion. It's done. After all the hard work, the late nights, and the self-doubt, it's finally finished.

You stand up, stretching your back with a satisfied sigh, and decide that a reward is in order. You change into your exercise outfit, slip on your earphones, and set the timer on your watch.

30 minutes.

You head out, jogging through the park outside your apartment. The weather is perfect—a gentle breeze, the sun filtering through the trees, a few people scattered around, minding their own business. You focus on your breathing, your feet hitting the pavement in a steady rhythm, the world around you fading into the background.

As you reach a shaded path, you feel the need to pause and catch your breath. You slow down, resting your hands on your knees. Suddenly, a hand lands on your shoulder, startling you.

You jump slightly, turning to see who it is. The surprise on your face deepens when you see him.

He’s breathless, his chest heaving as he holds up an index finger, gesturing for a moment of silence. “I’m… sorry,” he says between gasps. “Give me… one second… to catch my breath.”

You stand there, stunned. The face in front of you is one you haven't seen in years.

It’s Han—your first love.

“Nice to see you again,” he finally says, a grin spreading across his face.

You’re speechless for a moment, your mind racing to catch up. “Han… I can’t believe it’s you!” The shock wears off, replaced by a wave of warmth and nostalgia. You reach out and hug him, the familiar scent and feel of him bringing back a flood of memories.

He laughs, hugging you back and patting your shoulder. “I saw you while I was driving and I had to stop. I called out to you, but then I realized you had earphones on.” He chuckles, still slightly out of breath.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry!” you exclaim, pulling back to look at him properly. “I’m so surprised to see you! How have you been?”

“I’m fine, doing well. It’s so good to see you again.”

“Me too!”

The moment feels surreal as if you’re in a dream. You find yourselves sitting in a cozy café, sipping your favorite strawberry latte while he enjoys a slice of red velvet cake. The scene feels like a perfect snapshot of your reunion, a peaceful moment in the midst of life’s chaos.

Han was your first love, the boy who held your hand when you were just 13. Back then, you both thought you understood love—childish dreams of the future, talking about getting married, and planning a life together as if you knew what it all meant.

You smile, lost in the memories of those innocent days.

“Let’s get married,” he had said one time, both of you sitting on a bench, holding hands.

You stopped munching on your favorite snack, looking at him. His eyes, filled with affection, sparkled like they held tiny beating hearts. If this were an animated movie, there would be hearts popping out of them.

“Yes, when we’re adults,” you replied with a smile, leaning your head on his shoulder.

“That’s a promise, okay?”

“Yeah, a promise.” And with that, you linked pinky fingers, sealing the promise with the innocent trust only kids have.

“How are you?” you ask now, your eyes locking with his. The happiness in his face is contagious.

“I’m doing well, healthy and living life to the fullest.” He smiles, and it’s the same smile you remember—genuine, warm, unchanging.

“I’m glad to hear that. Really,” you say, feeling the warmth of his presence spreading through you.

“I’m really glad to see you too. How about you?”

“I’m doing fine, healthy as well. Life hasn’t always been easy, but I’m at a point where I’m happy and living my best life.”

“Thank God for that,” he says, his voice full of sincerity.

Hearing those words from him makes you both sigh, a shared sense of relief washing over you.

“I saw you on TV. You’re a famous writer now. You don’t know how proud I am of you,” he says, his voice full of admiration. “I’m glad you achieved your dream.”

His words hit you deep, emotions welling up. “Thank you.”

Being a writer had always been your dream.

“When I grow up, I want to be a famous writer. I’ll write books that inspire people,” you had said, lying on the grass, looking up at the stars with Han beside you. You held your pen up like a magic wand, closing one eye as you imagined the future.

“And I hope you achieve that dream,” he had said, taking your hand and holding it tight.

You had smiled at his words, feeling the warmth of his support.

“What about you? What do you want to do when we grow up?” you asked, turning to look at him.

“Me?” He had looked at you, then back at the stars. “Aside from being with you, which is my ultimate dream, I want to become an engineer.”

“An engineer?”

“Yeah… I want to build a big house for us. A really big house.”

You had felt a pang of emotion then, knowing how much he longed for a family and a place to call home.

“And you, Han?” you ask now, watching as his smile grows even wider.

“I’m now a licensed engineer.”

“Oh my God, really?!” You can’t contain your excitement, jumping up from your seat to hug him again. “I’m so proud of you, Han! You finally achieved your dream.”

He laughs, happiness radiating from both of you as you hold each other.

“I’m proud of us,” he says, hugging you back tightly.

You pull away, a little embarrassed by your outburst. “I’m so sorry, I just got so happy to hear that, Han.” You sit back down, smiling shyly.

“It’s okay, I’m really happy for us too.”

Han goes on to tell you about his work. He’s the engineer responsible for a new apartment complex in the city. That’s why you crossed paths again. As he talks, you listen intently, your heart swelling with pride for the man he has become.

You nearly tear up as he shares his journey—the hardships, the trials, the long years of studying. He worked hard, from kindergarten all the way to college, never losing sight of his dream. And now, he’s living it.

“I’m finished talking about me. Now, let’s talk about you,” he says, turning the focus back to you.

You fall silent, memories flooding back. You remember the times when you almost gave up on your dream, when no one bought your books, and your work gathered dust on the shelves. You remember walking through bookstores, seeing your book in the corner, covers nearly torn from being ignored.

You remember the despair, the feeling that maybe your dream was just that—a dream. But then, something changed. A light entered your life, lifting you up, guiding you to where you are now. It was hard—so hard—but you persevered, and now you’re here, a successful author with stories that touch people’s hearts.

Tears fill your eyes as you tell him this, the emotions too strong to hold back.

“I’m sorry, I got carried away,” you laugh through the tears, wiping them with a tissue he hands you.

He’s still a gentleman, just like he always was.

“I’m glad for you,” he says softly.

“I’m glad for us,” you reply, feeling a profound connection to him, even after all these years.

“What will happen after we achieve our dreams?” you had asked him once, walking together along a tree-lined path. It was fall, and you kicked at the leaves, watching them swirl in the breeze.

“We’ll get married. I’ll buy you the shiniest ring in the world,” he had said, his voice full of determination.

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Even if it’s not the shiniest ring in the world… I’ll still marry you.”

“For real?”

“Yes. You’re the only one I want to spend my life with. You’ll build our big house, and I’ll be the most famous writer in the world. We’ll be happy together, forever.”

“And you’ll still wear the shiniest ring in the world because that’s what you deserve,” he had said, holding your hand and kissing it gently.

“I love you,” you had mumbled, your heart full of emotion.

“I love you too.”

And under the falling leaves, you had kissed him for the first time.

The conversation between you both gradually trails off, leaving an unspoken tension hanging in the air. The café's ambient sounds—the quiet clinks of cups, the murmur of distant conversations—fade into the background. It feels as though the world outside has paused, allowing you both to be suspended in this fragile moment. You’re unsure if he remembers the past as vividly as you do, but meeting him again has stirred memories you had long buried. The memories of the happy moments you shared, the laughter, the dreams—it all comes rushing back with a bittersweet intensity.

There’s a question burning in your heart, one that you’ve held onto for years. But as you open your mouth to speak, the words falter on your lips. You hesitate, the weight of the past pressing down on you. You’re not sure if you should ask—if you even have the right to.

"Let’s break up," you had said, your voice trembling as you turned your back on him, trying to hold yourself together. The words tasted bitter, foreign, as they left your mouth.

"Why?" His voice had cracked, laced with confusion and desperation, forcing you to turn and face him. The sight of his pleading eyes, full of pain, made your resolve waver.

"I don’t know. I don’t deserve you. I don’t love you anymore…" The lie felt like a knife twisting in your chest, each word cutting deeper. You couldn’t look him in the eye, knowing that the truth would betray the facade you were trying to maintain. "And… we’re leaving. We won’t be coming back."

You forced the tears to stay at bay, but when you heard the way his voice cracked, the dam you had built burst. The tears you had tried so hard to hold back streamed down your face, unstoppable.

"Why would you do that to me?" he had asked, his voice barely above a whisper, full of hurt.

"I don’t know. You should find someone else to achieve your dreams with. I have things I need to focus on in my life too. I don’t want to spend my life tied to you," you had said, forcing yourself to face him as you delivered those final, hurtful words. The look in his eyes as he bowed his head, defeated, had nearly broken you.

He was only a boy then, but he had known what love was, what it meant to make someone a part of your life. You had been his life, his future, his everything. How could he continue when the one person he wanted to build that life with had just walked away?

And so, you had left him, without looking back, disappearing from his life as if you had never been a part of it.

But now, years later, here he is, sitting in front of you, smiling as if nothing had changed. He’s happy to see you, proud of the person you’ve become, despite the hurtful words you once threw at him. And that, more than anything, tears at your heart.

A single tear escapes your eye before you can stop it, and you quickly wipe it away, hoping he didn’t notice.

"So, do you have a family now?" The question slips out, carrying with it the years of wondering, of what-ifs.

"I…" he begins, but before he can finish, the door of the café chimes, and a beautiful woman walks in, her presence commanding attention. She makes her way to your table, and you watch as Han stands up to greet her, the fondness in his eyes unmistakable.

"Honey…" he says, and your heart skips a beat. The word echoes in your mind, heavy with implications.

Honey?

Confused, you watch as they hug each other warmly, the scene playing out before you like a slow-motion reel. It feels surreal, like you’re watching from a distance, even though you’re right there.

"Honey, this is my friend I told you about," Han says, introducing you with a smile. He then turns to you, his eyes meeting yours. "This is my fiancée."

Fiancée.

The word hits you like a punch to the gut, knocking the wind out of you. You force a smile, accepting her hand for a handshake, even as you feel a pang of pain in your heart

She sits down, joining your conversation with an easy grace, and you can’t help but notice how happy they are together. The way they look at each other, the subtle touches, the smiles—it’s clear that they’re deeply in love, a love that’s mutual and uncomplicated.

you look at the shiniest ring they were wearing.

You’re glad for Han. He deserves this happiness, this life he’s built. He’s finally living his dream, the dream that you once shared but were never meant to fulfill together. He’s found someone to continue that dream with, someone who will stand by his side as he builds the future you both once imagined.

The hurt lingers, but it’s softened by a genuine happiness for him. You’re happy that he’s happy, because that's what he deserve: happiness

Your thoughts are interrupted as the café owner sets your additional drinks down on the table. “Here’s your order,” he says. You murmur a soft thank you, still trying to process the whirlwind of emotions.

“No need to pay for your drinks,” the owner adds with a warm smile. “It’s on me.”

"No, I insist on paying for us," you replied, trying to cover up the flutter of in your chest.

"It's fine, babe," he said, chuckling as he gently pressed the matter.

"Really, it's okay," you laughed, looking between him and Han, who were both clearly confused by the exchange.

"Ah, by the way, I forgot to introduce you," you said, standing up with a smile. You gestured to the man beside you. "This is Hyunjin, the owner of the café."

"Hello, I'm Hyunjin," he said, extending his hand for a handshake. "I'm her boyfriend."

Han's eyes widened in surprise, his confusion evident as he looked between you and Hyunjin.

You laughed at Han's bewildered expression, and soon the table was filled with lighthearted laughter once again.

Life, you thought, was indeed full of surprises and plot twists. Just when you thought you knew how things would turn out, the unexpected happens.

But despite the twists and turns, one thing remains true: life is beautiful.

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alexsgrimoire · 8 months ago

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Samhain Ritual 2024 Excerpt - The Story & History of Samhain

While I'm not leading the Samhain ritual, my coven/circle is leading, I am helping with some sections of it! Notably, I wrote the section about the history of Samhain and how we celebrate it today. I thought I'd share it here like I've done with my other scripts, so I hope y'all enjoy it! (Note: I am not a Celtic pagan, so please excuse me if any information is wrong! I've included the bibliography at the end.)

DO NOT INTERACT: TE/RFS, TE/HMS, SW/ERFS, TRAN/SMEDS, TRUS/CUM, TRANSPHOBIC, HOMOPHOBIC, EXCLUSIONISTS, CONSERVATIVE, NAZI, TRADWIVES, ANTI-BLM, ANTI-ASIAN, XENOPHOBIC, ABLEIST, ANTI-POP CULTURE PAGANISM

Samhain is the final harvest before winter when the veil between the physical and spirit worlds is thinnest. Celebrated alongside Halloween, Dia de los Muertos, and All Saint’s Day, Samhain marks the end and beginning of the Wheel of the Year as we enter the darkest half of the year.

Samhain, as we know it to be currently, originates from ancient Celtic traditions. It was celebrated in the British Isles as the “night between years,” when the dead walked among mortals. The most important of the four Celtic festivals was a time to take stock of crops before the frost and honor the ancestors.

Many of our modern Halloween traditions come from old Celtic traditions. The aos sí (ace SHE), fairy-like spirits, were left food and drink outside to avoid their mischief, such as killing livestock during the winter. People went door-to-door in costumes to blend in with the aos sí and collected offerings, a predecessor to trick-or-treating. Rather than pumpkins, turnips were carved with faces to symbolize the spirits crossing over and ward off malevolent ones.

There were several Celtic deities and entities who were and still are associated with Samhain. The Pooka, a shapeshifting Irish figure often depicted as a dark horse with fiery eyes, roamed the countryside, causing mayhem, and was a bringer of both good and bad fortune. Cerridwen, the cauldron-keeper Welsh triple goddess of the underworld, and The Morrigan, the Irish triple goddess of war, death, and fate, were both commonly associated with Samhain due to their associations with the cycles of life, death, and rebirth.

Samhain has become a tradition among modern pagans and is included in the Wiccan Wheel of the Year. The most important of the four greater Sabbats it’s a time to reconnect with ancestors, such as decorating altars with candles and mementos of loved ones who have passed. Divination, a typical ancient Celtic Samhain practice, is also a modern activity. Samhain is also an excellent time for shadow work and exploring your unconscious self.

In modern Wiccan practices, Samhain is associated with the Crone, the final of the Triple Goddesses. She’s one to go to for advice and teaches us that sometimes we need to let go to move on. The God of Samhain, The Horned One, is the animal that dies so we may eat and survive the winter. Gods and Goddesses not from Celtic lore but still associated with Samhain include Persephone, Hades, and Hecate from Hellenic tradition, Anubis and Osiris from Kemetic mythology, and Freya, Hel, and Odin from the Norse path.

Take this time to connect with the past, present, and future as the Wheel of the Year turns once more.

Bibliography

Gavin, Sophie. “Samhain - Celtic Festival of Spirits and Transformation.” Celtic Fusion ~ Folklore Clothing, Celtic Fusion ~ Folklore Clothing, 6 Mar. 2024, celticfusiondesign.com/blog/samhain-celebrating-the-celtic-festival-of-spirits-and-transformation.

Kiernan, Anjou, and Leslie Olson. The Ultimate Guide to the Witch’s Wheel of the Year: Rituals, Spells & Practices for Magical Sabbats, Holidays & Celebrations. Fair Winds, 2021.

“Origins in Samhain.” 13 Things, www.brown.edu/Departments/Joukowsky_Institute/courses/13things/7448.html. Accessed 28 Oct. 2024.

“Samhain (Samain) - The Celtic Roots of Halloween.” Newgrange.Com, www.newgrange.com/samhain.htm#:~:text=In%20Celtic%20Ireland%20about%202%2C000,allowing%20spirits%20to%20pass%20through. Accessed 28 Oct. 2024.

“Samhain.” Wikipedia, Wikimedia Foundation, 28 Oct. 2024, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samhain.

“Samhain: 13 Facts about Halloween’s Celtic Roots.” OghamArt, 31 Oct. 2022, oghamart.com/blogs/news/samhain-halloween-celtic-roots.

Wigington, Patti. “Ritual to Honor the God and Goddess at Samhain.” Learn Religions, Learn Religions, 8 Mar. 2018, www.learnreligions.com/celebrate-the-god-goddess-at-samhain-2562703#:~:text=In%20some%20Wiccan%20traditions%2C%20by,in%20order%20to%20move%20on.

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g0lightly · 8 months ago

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it's so strange to remember that sansa stark and i were both 13 when ADWD was published... but she's still 13 and i'm very much not!

when i first watched game of thrones, i immediately formed an attachment to sansa because i was also 13 and the only girly girl in my rather close extended family. she was instantly one of the most relatable characters of all time to me. sophie turner is not quite two years older than me irl so even when the promotion from my family's tv provider cut off our access to hbo some time after i watched season 1, i always thought of sansa as a peer when she came up in the pop culture osmosis since, well, we were the same age.

i watched the last few episodes of game of thrones with my roommates as a 21-year-old about to graduate from college. what can i say? i didn't want to be left out of a cultural phenomenon! during sansa's coronation, i once again saw myself in her as i stepped into a new phase of life with more responsibility. i also felt proud of her, as if i'd actually watched her progress over the seasons i hadn't (at that point) seen.

five years later, i finally watched the show in full and decided to read the books because i was so dissatisfied with how sansa was written in the latter seasons and heard there was more depth to her characterization in the books. i happened to find the books when i was dealing with the fact that being a (relatively) newly-out lesbian in my mid 20s means going through things that most of my peers went through at book!sansa's age. meanwhile, sansa is a 13-year-old girl going through things that someone my age might go through in the modern world.

reading her chapters helped me reconnect with my 13-year-old self who found sansa so relatable in the first place and now i better understand what i need to do for my inner child as a grown woman. an untold number of my therapy sessions have started with "so i read a sansa chapter this morning..." i mourn the loss of the five year gap because i think the reason grrm wrote so many main characters as children (despite saying he dislikes writing child characters) is to show the impact that one's inner child can have on one's adult self. and it kills me to think we might never see their adult selves dealing with that in canon.

i wish we could see sansa grow up into a (well-written) version of the powerful woman we see her become at the end of got in the asoiaf books but i am not sure the timeline will work that way. i would love to see her as a grown woman taking stock of what she needs to do for her inner child just as i have (with her help, in a way). of course there's fic -- this perspective of sansa very much informs the way i write her in my longfic -- but it makes me sad that we may never get grrm's take on her as a grown woman with full autonomy. because it feels like she grew up with me, you know?

#sansa stark #game of thrones #asoiaf #valyrianscrolls

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ingydar-phan · 1 year ago

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Happy birthday Dan. I found you at a very, very low point in my life. It’s funny, because that point was only a few months ago. March 3rd. March 3rd. Jesus Christ. I was dealing with severe bullying, depression, hopelessness, isolation, gender dysphoria (i have been out/socially transitioned for like 5 years), and most of all, loneliness. I had a circle of about 3 friends who i talked to regularly, but only 1 i even saw in person more than once per year. Then, two of those 3 people began having relationship issues and were on the verge of breaking up. I felt like i was a bother, a burden to their already existing issues. Every single day I’d walk into school, put my headphones on, and not talk to a single person. I’d read, sleep, listen to music, dissociate, and sleep some more throughout the day just to distract myself from everything. From class, from parents, from the outside, everything. I fully and truly believed everyone besides those 3 people hated me. They found me disgusting, annoying, taking up space, and simply didn’t want me there. I think that is true to an extent, but i don’t like how i was just letting that be how it is. My dad was genuinely hopeless, he told me to just ride it out and if i could try to be just a little bit normal-er, maybe i wouldn’t be ignored by every person every day. That didn’t work. Instead, i decided to do some self work. Or rather, my dad stopped intruding on my free time which allowed me to still be awake and do things i wanted to do in peace. I thought, “Dan and Phil….those two emo guys with the cat whiskers….i have such a vague memory of a friend mentioning them or scrolling across a post of them, who even are they?”. I typed into the YouTube search bar “Dan and Phil”. A gaming channel? Are these people streamers? Oh god (i did not know you were one of us 🏳️‍🌈….or british…..). I watched one video. Now, ACCORDING TO YOUTUBE HISTORY, i somehow watched What Dan And Phil Text Each Other 4 as my first video. Not even the gaming channel, i don’t know how this happened maybe YouTube is lying to me. Whatever. Ok so which ones Dan and which ones Phil? Why do they look SO different? They’re British? I started watching Dan and Phil edits on TikTok. Ok, i know who you are, i get the vibes. Oh, coming out timeline? Gaming channel timeline and hiatus? Reacting to PINOF? On March 13, i watched Basically I’m Gay and Coming Out To You. It took me an entire month from then to watch Why I Quit YouTube. By late April, i was in it. I was watching Dan or Phil every day. Before, during, and/or after school. Since then, I’ve purchased YWGTTN (limited edition signed updated paperback). It was 38 fucking dollars in USD but it was worth it. I also now own TATINOF and DAPGO, one of which is signed by Phil, i bought second hand. So yes, now this is my new thing. But you know what else? I was getting happier. I was going to more concerts. I was doing my schoolwork, or at least trying to. I was reading!!!! I’ve since finished The Secret History. I made a friend; reconnected with an old childhood friend and started eating lunch together and hanging out and having shared trauma dump sessions, and we are so so close now. My two friends broke up, but it’s ok. I’m best friends with one of them and he’s so much better off, and the other and i are still casual friends!! I value them both for the multiple years I’ve known them. I’ve taken family vacations and done religious holidays with genuine care while getting to reconnect with my family. I’ve very passionately finished acting in a musical that I’ve put so much care into for about 5 months. I’m graduating tomorrow!!! And me and my close friend will be going to a concert tomorrow night afterwards, and I’m going to have a great summer where i see my close friend who i haven’t seen IRL since March of 2023. I’m getting closer with my dad and seeing a new therapist. I am having medical problems as of right now, but i would 100% be lying in bed crying and skipping graduation had i not found a reason to enjoy my days.

Did i just take one sentence referencing Dan to write a whole autobiography on tumblr? Yes, but also no. Dan and Phil are real people. They really do rescue pigeons named Steve and getting 10 sauces for their pizza and say hi across the city with binoculars. But they also genuinely have an impact on people, and they see that, and they LIKE to see that. I don’t think Dan will see this post. But I’m making it anyway. For me.

I love Dan so much. I cried twice while watching We’re All Doomed in my kitchen. I have actively watched Dan and Phil videos while crying at school. Once, in my bedroom, i was having a panic attack. I had an overwhelming rush of thoughts around 10 or 11 at night about how worthless i am and how terrible everything was going. I opened my tiktok, and there was THE edit that saved me. It was a video of fetus Dan on YouNow talking about his dream home. And then it was cutting back and forth to the Phouse. Then, Dans hopeful monologue in Basically I’m Gay. Finally, Dans hopeful monologue in We’re All Doomed. All of this in a softly shaky screen with sad music behind it. I cried a lot. This aspect of my life means so much to me. I think about the Halloween 2023 baking video at least 5 times a day (and sister Daniel’s….uhm….legs…). I am still so mad i did not buy the satanic Craft shirts. I just rewatched Dans interview last year with Anthony Padilla just because of how goddamn much I’m obsessed with that angle of Dan with his cute chin and cheeks and fucking dimple. I think about Dans bluntness in his defined-self and truly feel inspired to be like him. I look at his change over the years, his comfortability in his body, seeing that his face and neck are shaped like my face and neck, and he’s fucking beautiful. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable in my weight if not for Dan Howell, and i mean that so insanely sincerely. I read Dans book whenever I’m feeling hopeless and need a soft sexy British man to tell me the scientific reasoning behind why i feel this way and to assure me he’s felt worse. I’m so serious when i say i cannot imagine a day of my life without Dan and Phil. I truly don’t understand how i lived before or how I’d expect to live without it. “Live”, in the sense of find a way of life, not as in “stay alive.” I can’t imagine a day without those big brown boba eyes and that cute dimple and mainly that calming voice that reminds me someone else has felt this way. That reminds me love is possible. That reminds me i have so much ahead of me, so much life and love and joy.

Phil’s birthday stream may be my favorite piece of Dan and Phil media, or at least one of them. I find it so comforting and wholesome and beautiful and hilarious. I have such high hopes for Dans birthday stream. Until then, I’ll be working on my long-awaited (still very very unfinished) 2009!Dan and Phil art piece within my art initiative (pinned on my profile) (just for funsies, no money or anything involved). I’m going to sit there at 3pm (my time) and watch with a huge smile on my face to see my amazing dads spend the time of their lives being sexy and old and happy and disgustingly homosexual while i just embrace all you’ve done for me.

Happy birthday Dan

@danielhowell

#dan and phil #daniel howell #dan howell #phan #amazingphil #dnp #dan and phil games #dans birthday #happy birthday #dnpgames #d&p #phil lester

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 1 year ago

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Am I the asshole for siding with my Dad and actively shit talking/giving points about things his wife is wrong for?

Using 🎸🎶 as my emojis so I don't get lost.

For context, I (17F) and my sisters (14F and 12F) have lived with divorced parents for the past almost 13 years, nearly our entire lives. Our Dad (38M) and our Mom (38F) got divorced long ago, and since both have been remarried and divorced. My dad is currently married to his third wife (37F) and things have gone to shit. They grew up together and reconnected through Facebook a while back and began to talk. Since early July, they reconnected around late June, we have; drove 40 hours to Ohio to see and meet Wife and her 3 daughters (15, 7 and 5 F), moved them down over 80 hours of back and forth with both pets and kids, lived in a small trailer house until we closed our half million dollar one, and now we live in an old 1940s house where Wife never has to work unless she wants to. My Dad provides for her and her three kids easily on his own due to owning a fraction of the company he works for, but money has been a little tight due to a lack of houses to work on and her excessive spending.

This morning was when it bubbled over. She woke him up 30 mins before he needed to have his trailer, and hour away to pick it up, and be in another city still 30 mins from there, to pick up a free dresser we do not have room for. While getting ready he was informed her two youngest did the dishes to ask for something, a habit they all have. And to be clear, they ONLY do chores to go places and do things, so the house is often trashed. My Dad boiled over after both things adding onto all the stress of caring for 8 people and only seeing his 3 kids 4 days a month, and it started a scream fight that she encouraged. She loves to rile him up and then play victim, and this time was no different. Despite being angry, he asks if she still wants to go get the dresser, and she says she won't ride with him even to talk it out or get the fifth dresser for their room. So me and my middle sister (14F, we'll call her D.) Go with. We get the trailer, get into town, and he calls to confirm the address. Rather than tell him, she plays hard to get to piss him off, and we leave instead, not getting the dresser and taking the trailer back. The entire way Dad, D and I air our grievances about the behavior of Wife and her kids, discussing habits we don't like and clarifying we aren't doing it to be mean. It turns out, she was also bitching about the laundry and how she does everything when I've only ever seen her do theirs and no other chores. My Dad offers to solve it by having his own basket for his own laundry and even cooking his own meals if that's what's bothering her. Instead, she takes off her wedding ring rather than accepting the solutions. We talks, discussing how yes, they've been through a lot, but so have we, and that doesn't excuse her behavior.

We get home and the fighting starts again rather quickly, we don't catch much before it dies out but he tries to reason with her. I paint and everyone is calm for a bit. Well, I'm sitting on my bed and the fighting starts again. D and I share a room right over the garage, where the fight was, and D drops to the floor to listen. Our Dad uses many of the points we brought up in the car, and it hits hard and rings true really. At some point Wife complains that we never talk to her, and Dad points out that she picks fights when we're here and we know what divorce sounds like and refuse to get attached. She calls him our for being married and divorced twice, and Dad gets petty and tells her he didn't have kids outside marriage. And finally she complains that we don't do anything, and my Dad points out that we're self sufficient and do everything when we're here. The fight continues, he keeps making points we all discussed on the way to and from the trailer and failed dresser retrieval, and he keeps bringing up the ring since he doesn't want to divorce again.

Anyways, its causing a rift and I haven't told anyone but my Mom that I helped supply points, but I just feel bad because I feel like I somehow made the fighting worse by mentioning all the shit she does and talks about him and us.

TLDR; Dad and new wife were fighting all day and my sister and I gave points and talked shit about what's been bothering us in the car and our Dad brought up those points in the fight.

So Tumblr, am I the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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haztobegood · 2 years ago

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Oops & Hi!

Happy 28th! Here is a collection of fics where Harry and Louis say the Oops & Hi! This has always been one of my favorite fandom easter eggs in fics. Remember to leave the authors comments and kudos when you read!

💙 If You Find Yourself Here by @lululawrence G, 2k, Wrong apartment, Meet cute

Harry accidentally wanders into Louis' apartment. They've never met. Oops.

💚 Skate Into Your Heart by wabadabadaba @bigxrig G, 2k, Girl Direction, Roller skates, Puns

the one where Harry orders custom skates and runs into Louis at the skatepark, literally.

💙 Who'd You Rather - Larry Stylinson Edition by jetblackromance G, 3k, Talk Show Game, Celebrity Crush, Famous/Famous

the one in which Harry has a celebrity crush on Louis and the world knows about it after a game of Who'd You Rather on Ellen's talkshow

💚 The One With the Lemur on the Fire Escape by zita17 @louisandtheaquarian T, 4k, Neighbors, Fluff

Louis is an overworked bartender hoping to save up enough extra tips to buy a new air conditioner before he literally melts during a scorching NYC heat wave. Harry is the new neighbor that wakes him up by moving in his sole day off at 6am. An NYC enemies to neighbors to friends to lovers AU featuring a rickety fire escape, the 2021 Euros, Lirry bickering like a divorced couple, and enough OT5 clichés to rot your teeth. (If Harry's pastries don't get them first.)

💙 We're Getting Better With Time by @haztobegood T, 5k, Social Media, Second Chances, Older Larry

The one where Louis is single, Harry is recently divorced, and they reconnect on Facebook forty years after they first met.

💚 come on, jump out at me by g_uttertrash T, 7k, Halloween, Witch Harry, Vampire Louis

Harry is a witch who carries around a stuffed pumpkin, Louis is a vampire with too much time on his hands, and their best mates Zayn & Niall aren't exactly what they seem...

💙 You Came Along And Moved Me, Honey by @fairytalefem T, 8k, Youtuber Harry, ASMR, Candle Reviews

Louis was gone for Harry from the moment they met, already planning their wedding and picking out rings in his head, and after months of living in each other's pockets they knew almost everything about each other. The one thing Louis didn't know about Harry was what he did for a living. Faced with vague answers and question-evading, Louis begins to imagine scandalous and dangerous secrets that Harry must be keeping - but maybe Harry's secrets aren't so sinister after all.

💚 A Small Matter (A Matter of Trust) by @kingsofeverything E, 19k, Grindr, Coworkers, Tiny Penis

Harry knows he and his Grindr hookup would be perfect together, if only he could convince him to give a relationship a chance. Or Harry has a thing for jockstraps and Louis likes to wear them.

💙 Someone to Fly Home To by kingsofeverything E, 35k, Exes to Lovers, Pilot Louis, Older Larry

Louis and Harry’s marriage ended more than a decade ago, but fate keeps bringing them back together.

💚 There's Such a Lot of World to See by @crinkle-eyed-boo E, 125k, Doctor Who au, Angst

Louis has seen a great many things throughout his travels in time and space, but only one he can’t explain: He keeps meeting the same boy, who says the same thing to him each time. The boy should be impossible. Maybe he is. A love story that defies the boundaries of space and time. Doctor Who AU.

💙 Now In A Minute by thealmightyavocado @avocadolouie M, 150k, 13 Going On 30 au, Childhood Friends

13 feels like yesterday for many people, but for Louis it actually was. More than anything in the world, Louis Tomlinson dreams of growing up. Simply skipping over all of the awkward, embarrassing years of teenage existence and getting on with life. Real life. So when thirteen-year-old Louis wakes up in the body of his thirty-year-old self, he expected everything in his adult life to be picture perfect. And maybe it is. He has it all…or so it seems. Except his favorite person and lifelong best mate, Harry Styles, is totally missing from the equation and Louis doesn’t understand why. He has a lot of catching up to do and as adult life turns out to be more than what he bargained for, Louis can’t help wondering why a life that seemed so perfect, feels so empty.

#haztobegood recs fic #larry fic #hlcreators #one direction fic

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matthewmurdockswife · 10 months ago

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My Story <3

Tw: suicide,Sh,self-hate

Hey yall so I never really talk about my personal life on here but i feel like I owe everyone an explanation.

Within the past two years I have recovered from SH, and an attempted suicide, it was half ass but it was still an attempt. I was playing fast and loose with my life because I thought there was nothing left of it. I hated myself and how I looked, How I always felt so depressed the way my relationships with friends and family always seemed to fall apart but most of all I hated myself.

Im not sure exactly when it happened but about one year ago I met someone. She had similar interests as me and understood me on a personal level and even though we had lived completely different experiences she was there for me. We started talking more and more and I found out she lived Hours away from me in a completely different country, but I accepted our distance and created our connection. She helped me see that my life was very much so worth living. This girl was harley @dwntwn-strnlo

About four months later the only friends I was talking with in person blew up on me with fake excuses about why we shouldnt be friends, one had stolen some of my clothes as well as some of my money. It hurt more not because they left me but because I trusted them and they betrayed me, They left me out to dry and I reconnected with an old friend from middle school, M.

M helped me to realize that my emotional connection to people isnt a downfall but my strong suit. My intense passion love and energy I give to the world only makes me more beautiful not more weak.

Then M introduced me to S. And S is the most kind and gentle and loving people ive ever met. She reflected me in every sense of my love for others. S helped me to realize that just because someone else doesnt agree doesnt mean I cant formulate and stand up for my own opinions.

The three of us became very close and talked nearly everyday. Im not sure exactly when or why, but one day I decided to pull out my phone and film one of our lunches. Me,M and S all really hit it off we loved being in front of the camera and it almost just felt like the camera wasnt even there.

So we kept filming and that night I went home to edit our very first video and I posted it on an old youtube channel. I touched it up and added pretty colours and tried to make it more asethetic and I stayed up all night working on that first video.

And it got 13 views. And a hate comment. And then youtube took it down. But we didnt care. We kept hussling and we never stopped filming and i havent lost passion in the past half year weve been filming, I even branched off to start my own youtube channel because I love it so much.

I know I dont share much with you all and you dont even know my name, but I felt that where I was today was something i needed to share. My group doesnt have very many subscribers and im okay with that as long as it means I get to keep doing something I love.

so unfortunately I have been putting a lot less time and a LOT less effort into my writing. Im in my senior year of highschool and its all or nothing. I really want to do youtube as a career but i understand the sucsess rate is low, I have a backup plan but ill never be as happy as I am when im in front of the camera filming one of our youtube videos.

So I wanted to apologize to those of you who have been waiting for me to post but its very unlikely that i will be posting many or frequent fics anymore im not saying Im stopping im just slowing down. Its been a rough couple of years but ive finally found something I can pour my heart into. I hope yall understand I love yall so much seriously youve given me so much support<3

Love,

matthewmurdockswife <3

Please never hesitate to talk to me about anything through my inbox or my dms <3

@dwntwn-strnlo @fenoy7 @sturnioloshacker @lvrsparadise @querenciasturniolo

#suic1de #selfharrrm #my story #youtube #dwntnsturniolo #anonymous #passion #my experiences #love you all

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goddess-lauvers · 10 months ago

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Letter to my 13 year old self 🖤

it’s your big day today, valerie. today, you’re 14, on this special day that you get to spend with so many other lauvers 🖤. now, to the actual letter:

you made it through one of the toughest years of all time, and you did it amazingly. you were able to get more comfortable in your own skin, find new hobbies and interests that you love more than anything. explore music (and still adore laufey to this day). still crying to promise & falling behind. you made new friends, and reconnected with some old ones! you like your life, its comfortable and enjoyable, even with some downsides. you went to costa rica, which was such a beautiful place. keep on going with that silly dream of yours, pretty. become a scientist, but also become the author you want to be. keep writing, you will achieve that silly dream one day. now today you’re 14, and more adventures are ahead 🖤

#letter to my 13 year old self #laufey #a very laufey day #🖤

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ladylaviniya · 1 year ago

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I know lots of people had a bad 2023 and there's really traumatising things happening in the world.

But I will be selfish and share the good things that happened in my year that drowned the bad:

1. Friendships have been made. I have been incredibly lonely since 2020 due to a plethora of reasons. I met my online bestfriend in person this year. I have made friends here on Tumblr over fandoms I didn't originally know about.

2. I learnt how to date and what men really mean when they're actually using an innuendo. This has led me to unashamedly put my standards high and my boundaries strongly walked.

3. I got diagnosed with ADHD, which has given me the opportunity and privilege to access medication that has significantly improved my mental health.

4. I got a new job that I actually love with a respectful boss! No more living paycheck to paycheck on government supports.

5. I get to live in a affordable flat with a roof over my head in a safe neighbourhood. No fearing for break ins and no worrying about making rent in on time.

6. I learnt how to balance giving myself a break and motivating myself. How to give myself real self-care.

7. I managed to get help, therapy that helped me find outlets and strategies to express my anger, anxiety, depression, rage and controversial thoughts without everlasting abundance of shame.

10. I survived my own mind long enough to turn 22 years old. Kinda a big flex 💪 telling my intrusive thoughts to fuck off.

11. I have reconnected to the happier version of me. I have embraced the joy I had when I was 13. When I got butterflies over actors and characters and the thrill of reading new fanfics.

12. Despite being shadow banned, I was able to create a new account and start fresh and happy. Tagging and organising posts.

13. My Abuser is still alive and well. She remarried and had a baby. But she finally changed her lastname from my fathers to her new husbands, cutting the important tie we shared. I want to say that I hope her daughter grows up and grows to hate, despise, and abandon her, even murder her...but I also don't care anymore. I think I'm healing. I'll never forget those horrors, but after over 11 years I think I'm accepting there's nothing I can do to get the justice back and even if I got my revenge entirely...it wouldn't have changed what happened. Those are words for the universe.

In a year I am sure there will be lots of things that might change my life again. But after so many years...I'm getting used to it. This year has been relatively peaceful. I pray we all have a peaceful and accepting 2024.

I'm going to reblog this and see if in a year how much life as changed. ❤️ A message to future me... You might be scared, you might be sad, but you are alive and loved and your creativity brings joy. You have survived before, you will survive again. There's always a way out of trouble with the right support and resources. Don't give up. Stay proactive. You can do it because you've done it before.

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rediscoveryproject · 2 years ago

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Here we go.

On my 43rd birthday, while going through a closet, I found a box filled with notebooks, journals and scraps of paper. And my eyes started to well up with tears. It was like running into an old friend. Except that old friend was me - my younger self, reaching out to me from the pages.

And the timing could not have been more meaningful - I recently lost a job that I was committed to for 13 years and have been going through the process of grieving the past, and making decisions about the future. I've been actively trying to rediscover the version of me that aggressively pursued my career to become the leader I am today, in order to prepare for what may come next.

What I didn't expect, is that the person I was before I became a corporate ladder-climber would be there - patiently waiting for me to find her! She was in all of the words, on all of the pages, in that box. That pink box that had been pushed to the back of a closet over the years, and fittingly, was only found because I finally, through being unemployed, had the time to organize that closet I always meant to get to, but never did. It feels meant to be.

I used to be a prolific writer - though always in free-form. Nothing ever finished, just thoughts & feelings - sometimes prose, sometimes lists, or one-off sentences that would sound nice and repeat in my mind until I wrote them down. I saved all of these musings in this box when, at 30 years old, I moved from NYC back home to Connecticut in the fall of 2010.

I honestly can't say what happened that made me stop writing, it just sort of happened. The pressures of work, dating, ultimately getting married and caring for a family. People can get so far away from who they once were so easily. Time and circumstances add up and here you are, cleaning out a closet and being reminded of a version of you that you now miss.

So, I decided to honor my younger self - and all of her loneliness, longing, curiosity, bravery and hope - by creating a blog and filling its pages with the contents of that box.

I hope that going through these writings will reconnect me to who I was, (and still am) and that they will now live forever - wild and free - on the internet. I also hope that some young woman will stumble upon them and find herself in the words, and feel maybe inspired, maybe less alone in her journey to discover herself.

This is The Rediscovery Project. A collection of writings by a young woman, from her teenage years in the 90s, through the end of her 20s in 2010. Let's go.

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fuckyeah-nerdery · 2 years ago

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Thoughts and things, part the first.

I wish I could say that the reason why I fell off Tumblr (and elsewhere) was because I went on a voyage of self-discovery and self-realization that led to radical changes in who I am fundamentally, but that's not what happened.

I just read books. A lot of books. I've been into books for like a decade now, but it's only been in the last couple of years that it's escalated. I read 52 books last year and will read as many this year too. Basically, when it came down to it, with work and everything, I just preferred to read a book instead of hang out on Tumblr like I've been doing for the past 13 years.

Unfortunately, it's dawned on me today that reading all of the time isn't good, at least for me. I had one of those pesky insights that I was using books as an excuse to not do anything, including - and especially - the things that I should be doing, such as working to improve my life. I've been in a rut for pretty much my entire life and haven't really evolved or grown as a person because of it. I'm not even joking. 40 year old me isn't really all that different than 20 year old me or 16 year old me.

That's...that's not great.

But rather than take steps to grow and become a better me, I actively avoided it by reading and generally cutting myself off from others.

I need to be clear about something, though: I'm not blaming books for this. I love reading and plan to keep on doing it, but I'm going to cut down on how many books I read in a year. This'll be good because not only will it free up time and energy that I need to get my shit together and reconnect with others, but it'll also allow me to focus on achievable reading goals. For real, I love SF and fantasy, but I need to read more books grounded in the real world.

Apart from that, another reason why I stopped posting is because my phone developed annoying glitch called "ghost touch" wherein the touchscreen will just randomly go apples and bananas and start clicking on shit. It's not malware or a virus or hax0rs, just a dumb problem with the screen. I would get it replaced, but I'm overdue for a new phone, so I'm just going to save up and buy a new one.

#life stuff #realizations

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lucysweatslove · 2 years ago

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10.28.2023 // I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this journal, but it’s a weird mood re: body connectivity.

Maybe I’ve been having fever dreams lately, but honestly, this is the best I’ve felt physically in a while, so I don’t think it’s quite that. Emotionally though, I’m feeling… weird?

I took two naps today (is it technically Sunday? Yes. But it’s Saturday still in terms of my days). I think the sleeping all week has helped a ton. I don’t feel 100%, but I don’t remember the last time I felt 100%.

During the last nap, the one in which my entire dream was me blogging on Tumblr specifically, I was trying to think of a title for a journal post that I dated November 2019. I don’t remember the day of the month, just 11/__/2019. I want to say it was 13, 18 or 23. Not 28 though because the cream didn’t feel like a 28th.

I bring this up not because the exact date matters, but because November 2019 was the last time I felt decently well. Not perfect, mind you, but this was before I got that upper respiratory infection that kicked off the years of illnesses.

Friday night, I had a mini-meltdown or shutdown or something… I can’t think of the words right now. I had multiple hours of extreme body dysphoria. Not gender dysphoria- it’s not about gender or secondary sex characteristics and more about… just not wanting a body or feeling like I belong or am connected to this specific body. I joke about wishing I could just be a purple sentient mist, but it’s not entirely a joke. I still want to be. I want to be alive and sentient and learning and doing and experiencing. I’m not unhappy with life in general. I love spending time with my husband and my pug and all that. But every time I look at myself, it feels wrong somehow.

Initially last night I was thinking about how much I miss my “old” body. I don’t miss the eating disorder, not really. But I miss how I looked. I never got the chance to delve deep into the pathogenesis of my ED, and I don’t really remember much at all. I think, though, that I may never have felt super connected to my body except when I was making it smaller. There were only a few times in my life where I felt like my body matched me, and they were during that pseudo-recovery period. Where my body was at it’s smallest, or nearly at its smallest, but I wasn’t actively restricting. A “best of both worlds” moment that never could’ve lasted.

I’ve realized since actually starting recovery, with every small change, I’ve become more and more distant with my body. Even though I’ve reconnected with a lot of physical cues, my body doesn’t feel like ME. It feels like a physical meat sack I’m forced to occupy so I can do things that matter to me. Like if you were from the tropics but you are venturing to Antarctica because you were really excited to do some science down there. You are only excited and fulfilled by this topic and can only do the science and gather the data down there. But, because of the cold snow, you have to wear ridiculously restricting and hideous puffy snow clothes. You know there’s no other option- you can only tolerate the Antarctic cold in clothes that feel like “you” for so long before you risk severe damage, and if you left to go back to the tropics, you would be leaving your dream or giving up on your life’s work.

I think I’ve managed the body I’m in right now by this disconnect. I’m really not sure if I CAN safely reconnect as it is- like when I imagine what it looks like, I can see it, but it still doesn’t feel like ME. I can only reconcile my sense of self and my body when I look back in time. At least pre-Covid, but honestly even earlier than that is better. Aside from that, I can’t even connect with an idea of looking like anybody else or any way else- I just want to be a purple must.

So yeah, idk where I’m going with this because it’s impossible to go back in time or become a sentient mist and none of this makes sense anyway.

#personal

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