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novafire-is-thinking · 10 months ago

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Medic, Maverick, Maniac, Murderer: Understanding Pharma

First thing’s first: I love Pharma, dearly.

In all the time I’ve spent evaluating his character, I’ve mainly focused on what can be worked out about who he is as an individual: his core sense of self, psychological drives, subjective worldview, etc.

When all else is stripped away, who is Pharma?

This treatise is the product of obsessing over Pharma, analyzing canon (and extras), and reading as many different perspectives on his character from fans across the fandom as I could find. The post is long, so for those of you who balk at the thought of reading a shortfic’s worth of Pharma thoughts, feel free to read the TL;DR (Conclusion) at the end and then decide if the full read is worth your time. Also, a premium reading experience is available in the form of the original Google Doc version.

As you read, keep in mind that this is primarily a mix of psychoanalysis, evidence-based examination, and speculation—not moral, ethical, or sociological commentary. The goal is to examine Pharma’s psychological drives and core values, and each of his appearances in the context of those. All other types of evaluation are up to readers.

Now, take your victim blaming-allergy meds (just in case); remove your black-and-white thinking caps; and leave your personal morality lenses at the door.

Psychological Drives & Core Values

Why does Pharma act the way he does? What gives him a reason to keep living? What are his personal priorities?

At the beginning of the Delphi arc, First Aid establishes Pharma as a “control freak” and someone who “thinks he’s an expert on everything.”

Now, First Aid has a habit of complaining about his bosses, but on both points, there’s canon evidence to back them both.

Expertise and Intellect

Throughout the Delphi and Luna 1 arcs, it’s established that Pharma is a skilled and brilliant doctor.

He once performed a 4-way fuel pump transplant, donating his own fuel pump in the process. (see above panel)

Later, he invented a soundbomb that left an echo laced with a virus and invented an antidote to that virus:

And on Luna 1, he was on the edge of finding a cure for Cybercrosis, based on the fact that Swerve was able to formulate a cure from his notes.

More than being a doctor, Pharma lives for intellectual and scientific achievement as a physician scientist. He feels most alive when he’s able to solve complex medical problems, and when his achievements are recognized by those whose opinion he considers important.

This is Pharma’s 'why.'

And even though he’s arrogant and enjoys praise, it’s not his primary motivation. He doesn’t need it in order to set his mind to whatever he’s interested in, although he’ll seek it from those he values most (i.e. Ratchet).

Pharma sees himself as less of a doctor, and more as a scientific innovator or medical maverick. The practice of medicine is primarily a catalyst for his creativity and intellect; it’s not an end in and of itself like it is for someone like Ratchet or First Aid.

First Aid’s observation of Pharma can be better phrased as, “[Pharma] thinks he’s an expert on everything medical”—because he’s not so driven by achievement and admiration that he’ll grovel at the feet of strangers and get good at something he doesn’t personally find interesting. The only time we see him express a desire for praise is when he’s around Ratchet—someone he holds in high regard for both personal and professional reasons. This makes sense since Ratchet is one of the only people who can give Pharma any kind of competition within what he considers to be his area of expertise.

“Each day we go to our work in the hope of discovering—in the hope that some one, no matter who, may find a solution of one of the pending great problems—and each succeeding day we return to our task with renewed ardor; and even if we are unsuccessful, our work has not been in vain, for in these strivings, in these efforts, we have found hours of untold pleasure, and we have directed our energies to the benefit of mankind.” —Nikola Tesla

Ego

Without question, Pharma has an inflated ego, but having an inflated sense of self doesn’t automatically mean a person is a full-blown narcissist or that they are totally uncaring.

Every personality trait exists on a spectrum. Yes, Pharma is arrogant, but the presence of arrogance doesn’t automatically and completely cancel out all “positive” traits. (For fun, check out studies on Dark Tetrad and Light Triad personality traits.)

People are complex. Arrogance can coexist with genuine kindness, ruthlessness can coexist with deep compassion, etc.

Whether Pharma exhibits genuine kindness is up to each reader’s interpretation of what little canon material exists, but the point is: Pharma’s arrogance doesn’t automatically rule out the possibility of authentic “positive” traits.

Controlling Tendencies

Pharma is comfortable pulling the power card and using it to dump what he sees as uninteresting parts of medical practice on those below him:

“So Fisitron’s writing about the Wreckers’ elbows now, is he?” said Delphi’s Chief Medical Officer. “Come on, First Aid - get to it. You’ve got a Fader in Row 2 downstairs.” He squeezed the air with his finger and thumb. “He’s about this far from shutdown.” —from Bullets by James Roberts

However, there’s nothing in canon indicating he’s power-hungry in a megalomaniacal sense. He’s not Starscream or Megatron; he doesn’t seek political or social power. In fact, he seems perfectly happy hiding away in a lab or medibay by himself so he can direct all his energy toward solving issues and achieving the so-called ‘impossible’ within the field of medicine:

The ways in which Pharma exercises power and control are through his expertise, and his administrative/management skills. That’s it.

Self-confidence

Pharma’s arrogance and controlling tendencies don’t seem to be a mask—like he’s trying to compensate for some sense of lack (in those areas). Yes, he fears failure, and yes, he displays some insecurity when Ratchet questions his competence. But at every other point and in every other way, Pharma is unapologetically self-confident. He’s fully self-assured of his intellectual prowess and problem-solving capabilities; he knows what he knows, and he also knows what he doesn’t know.

Pharma’s arrogance and desire for control don’t stem from a hidden lack of confidence or a hunger for power on its own. They stem from the fact that he genuinely sees himself as the best person for the work he does. He trusts himself above anyone else to solve problems that come his way—medical or otherwise (within limits).

Elitism vs. Superiority

I’ve always read Pharma as having an elitist attitude, but not in the social stratification sense:

elitist (adj.) relating to or supporting the view that a society or system should be led by an elite.

There’s no evidence that Pharma believes an elite class of people should hold the most power. Instead, Pharma’s “elitism” is actually an individualistic sense of superiority. It’s centered on him alone, and is tied to his capabilities as a physician scientist and surgeon.

Pharma sees himself as the best of the best and makes sure everyone knows it—sometimes through his words, but mostly by his conduct in the field of medicine. This, paired with Pharma’s natural temperament, doesn’t exactly make him socially popular—inside or outside of medicine:

One could argue that the “personality” Lockdown is referring to was a result of all Pharma had suffered at Delphi and Luna 1, but just as easily, one could argue he was always a bit difficult to get along with, and that his traumatic experiences merely magnified his already-present psychological patterns. Personally, I like the latter interpretation because it’s a flaw that makes Pharma a more interesting character no matter his mental state.

Everyone reacts differently to real and perceived social rejection. Some are so concerned about it that they’ll try anything to belong; others genuinely don’t care, and they continue as usual; and still others cope by shifting their mindset and developing a sense of pride in being an outsider.

There’s no evidence for this in canon, but I believe it’s within reasonable characterization boundaries to headcanon Pharma as being in the second or third category.

With either of those two mindsets, a sense of superiority can develop, or even be an inciting factor. Either someone sees themselves as genuinely superior to the majority and doesn’t mind when this alienates them from people, or they convince themselves they’re superior because the pain of accepting they were rejected for who they are is too much to handle.

Whatever the case, the point is, having an “elitist” attitude isn’t necessarily rooted in a sociological or ideological belief. Sometimes, individuals just see something in themselves that—to them—justifies a sense of personal superiority. A quick glance at Pharma’s canon appearances makes it clear he holds such a view of himself, at least to some degree.

Morality and Compassion

When Pharma first shows up in canon, he’s working at the New Institute. A lot of questionable things took place there on a regular basis—things Pharma would have been aware of, to some degree. However, his presence at the Institute doesn’t automatically mean he agreed with everything happening. Depending on how strongly someone feels about something, some people are content to disagree in silence. Not everyone who seeks employment considers it a priority that the establishment they work for aligns perfectly with their moral values. After all, there are other reasons to take a job: financial benefits, exclusive educational and career opportunities, pure convenience, etc.

I’m not here to say either way whether Pharma’s willingness to turn a blind eye to the events at the New Institute was wrong or right; that’s up to each reader to decide for themselves. However, Pharma’s choice to remain employed at the Institute for some time can say something about him as a character: his priority as a doctor and person is not to take care of everyone he encounters, or to act as some kind of moral or ethical authority.

This isn’t to say Pharma won’t ever stand up for something he regards as right or push back against something he sees as wrong, “off screen.” It’s just that everything in canon points more to a tendency to choose his battles instead of acting immediately on any moral sense the way someone like Optimus or Ratchet might.

This also isn’t to say Pharma doesn’t care about saving lives, but from what little is shown of him before Delphi, it’s hard to say how much he cared. Ratchet confirms later that Pharma was an excellent doctor for most of his life, but all that tells us is he was an excellent doctor; it says nothing about his internal attitude toward his work or patients.

However, inferences can be made based on doctors in our own world:

Being a doctor—especially one in trauma care—is far from easy. It takes a lot out of a person, and there are very few people who last in the profession for a long time. Most medical professionals fall into one of the following categories:

People possessing a strong will that’s coupled with an unwavering passion for taking care of others (the public’s favorite)

People who naturally have, or develop, an ability to switch their empathy off and on at will, or build walls around it—also possessing a strong will (the ideal)

People who naturally have a limited capacity for empathy (the one the public hates to acknowledge)

People with a strong social and professional support system (the necessary, but underutilized and underappreciated factor)

Of course, even if a person has one or more of the above, burnout can and does still happen, but individuals who have at least one have the best chances of surviving and thriving amidst the demands of the majority of medical professions.

As far as is shown in canon, Pharma never had a strong support system—either circumstantially or by choice—so something else was keeping him in medicine.

Pharma shows concern for both Tumbler (Chromedome) and Hubcap:

But even though he obviously cared enough to step in, neither instance makes a strong case for a capacity for empathy beyond the “average” or “norm.” Performing a job well is a lot different from being personally invested in the work.

Based on everything up to this point, and this later comment from Pharma, about Ratchet…

…Pharma has probably never shared the same I-care-about-everything-and-everyone view of the world. Instead, it’s more likely that Pharma holds a more rational view of his work and patients.

One of the first things learned in medicine, especially in trauma medicine, is that you can’t help or save everyone, and to hold yourself to that standard can destroy you quickly if you have a certain temperament or lack healthy boundaries for your empathy.

“There are times when it may seem as though I view sick or injured people not as living, breathing humans with feelings and emotions and people who love them, but simply as cases, as problems to be solved. And that is absolutely true. It's not that I don't have empathy, but the hard fact is that as a doctor, and especially as a trauma surgeon, too much empathy can get in the way of your job and cause you to make decisions based not on sound medical judgment but on your own emotions. Sure, I've seen things that even years later can still make me choke up when I think of them: a little girl shot and killed, a shattered young Marine who shouldn't have died but did. But you can't choke up in the ER or the operating room. To be effective as a trauma surgeon, you have to put a layer of Kevlar around your heart.” —Dr. Peter Rhee, Trauma Red: The Making of a Surgeon in War and in America’s Cities*

Pharma may have learned this difficult truth earlier than Ratchet and developed a practical way of managing his empathy that comes across as “cold.” He may have always had an ability to put up walls around his spark. Or, he may have always had little to no capacity for empathy.

The fact that the morality lock on Tyrest’s portal prevented Pharma from passing through proves he felt guilty for what he’d done, and JRO confirmed this. Therefore, it’s safe to assume Pharma had some level of empathy for his former patients, suffering moral injury when he felt he had no other option but to start killing them.

Still, looking at Pharma’s psychological drives and his behavior throughout canon, it’s clear compassionate care and morality are subordinate to his other values and interests.

*I highly recommend this book, and learning about Dr. Rhee in general. He’s a huge inspiration of mine, and one of my main sources of inspiration when writing Pharma. Level-headed and capable, strong-willed, selectively empathetic, an excellent scientist, etc. He lives for the thrill of practicing medicine both on the floor and as an expert in his field who pushes trauma medicine to new heights through his research. He also takes great pride in his hands. Seriously—the man spent an entire paragraph and a half talking about his “good hands” and how they were one of two reasons he decided to go into trauma surgery. The other reason was that he “liked action and excitement, liked the feeling of being able to walk into a tough situation and take control.” (Sounds familiar…)

Delphi

First thing’s first: we don’t know how much Pharma did or didn’t know about the DJD before agreeing to take the Delphi assignment.

That far into the war, he would have known something about the DJD and their ways of terrorizing traitors and Autobots, but for whatever reason, he took the assignment anyway. Perhaps Prowl assured him the situation on Messatine would be monitored and that the security team would be enough. Perhaps he underestimated the DJD’s capabilities, or scale of territory, and thought he would be able to handle things on his own. Perhaps Prowl gave him no choice. Maybe it was all of these and more.

Whatever the case, according to JRO, Pharma didn’t hate Delphi before the incident with the DJD.

Word of god remains a touchy subject in fandom, but in this case, it’s important because it says two things:

The DJD left the Delphi medical team alone for some time.

Being on the edges of DJD territory didn’t automatically mean isolation and harassment by their hand.

On the second point, First Aid was free to come and go from Messatine as he pleased, seeing as he attended a medical conference at Kimia five years into his assignment at Delphi:

Five years ago [mid-Delphi assignment], the leader of the Wreckers had cornered him at a medical conference at Kimia, the space station that doubled as a weapons research facility. —from Bullets

And five years after that, he was able to not only contact Springer without delay about one of Agent 113’s bullets he’d discovered in an Autobot badge…

He raced upstairs to his computer terminal and typed in a certain frequency code for the second time in his life. A face appeared on the screen and grinned. “It’s me,” said First Aid. “And you're never gonna guess what I’ve got for you..!”

…but he was also able to meet up with Springer to hand off the bullet:

“Your friend has a funny way of making contact,” First Aid had said when he’d got in touch three days earlier, and he was right.

It’s not known if this handoff happened on or off world, but either way, the DJD didn’t interfere.

At some point, Tarn set his sights on Pharma and the Delphi team. Knowing the DJD, one can only imagine what Tarn used to show off his team’s capabilities and convince Pharma the best option was to cooperate.

In striking a deal with Tarn to keep the DJD away from Delphi, Pharma established his territory and ensured his continued security and the safety of his staff. As long as Tarn got his T-cogs, Pharma could continue on in relative peace. He could work his magic on bots that ended up at Delphi, carry out his management duties, and work on whatever projects or research he may have been conducting in his free time.

For whatever reason, after he first came into contact with Tarn, Pharma didn’t call for help. Communications were still operational, as Pharma wouldn’t have suggested contacting High Command about the Duobots if the team was aware of any comm malfunctions:

Also, First Aid later confirms that communications were fine until the Big Bang (soundbomb detonation):

It’s always possible the DJD was monitoring the radio waves, but secure subspace frequencies exist, such as the Datalog Network First Aid used to send the datalog containing the death statistics:

Speaking of which, assuming First Aid sent the datalog with the statistics right when things started to get ‘weird,’ and before the Big Bang shut down comms, it only took—at most—a few days for them to reach Ratchet and Swerve on the Lost Light:

But back to Pharma not calling for help: for all of Prowl’s intel, contingency planning, and fretting over the security of Autobot territories, I find it hard to believe he would have stuck an Autobot medical team on the fringes of DJD territory without giving them some means of securely contacting the outside in case of issues.

But even if Prowl didn’t give Pharma a secure way to contact him or anyone else, and even if Pharma was convinced the DJD was monitoring regular communications, there were other ways he could have reached out for help. After all, the team wasn’t alone on Messatine. Like Pharma said, Prowl continued to send bots to defend the nucleon mines:

The Autobots had been mining nucleon for millions of years at this point, so I doubt the mined nucleon was just sitting in storage on Messatine; shipments of the stuff would have been sent off-world to wherever the Autobots needed it. Why not send a message for Prowl with someone leaving with one of those shipments? A message meant only to be sent over a call when absolutely certain they were out of range of the DJD’s potential monitoring.

Or, why not order in off-world medical supplies and send a message back with the delivery bot(s)?

There are two possible answers to this. One takes into account JRO’s word on the subject; the other is more intricate and speculative on my part, but it leads to the same place. So whatever your stance is on the validity of word of god, there’s an answer for you.

Answer one (word of god)

Simple as that. Pharma was aware of the scope of the DJD’s capabilities and relentlessness, and determined he was trapped prey.

Answer two (no word of god)

There are a few possible reasons Pharma didn’t call for help right away:

He was convinced all his other options would take too long and/or would still lead to him being put under suspicion. After all, being found to have harvested even a single T-cog from an already-dead patient for the DJD could have raised concerns that would lead to Pharma being investigated and/or having a mark put on his record.

He underestimated the severity of Tarn’s addiction, and was certain he could keep up with the T-cog demand without resorting to other means of harvesting, not realizing Tarn’s quota would increase later on.

He was already paranoid as a result of whatever mind games Tarn had set in motion at their first meeting, making Pharma think escape was futile.

Word of god or no word of god, there are clear reasons as to why Pharma ended up trapped. Most likely, it was a mix of all of the above.

Whatever was going on in Pharma’s mind before, he ended up in deeper trouble. Tarn increased his demand for T-cogs, and Pharma couldn’t keep up. By the time this happened, even if he had wanted to call for help, it was too late to do so without implicating himself. He reasoned his only option was to start killing patients to harvest their T-cogs.

Soon, Pharma was so consumed with fretting over whether he’d be able to meet Tarn’s next demand that he didn’t have time or freedom to do anything else except worry and feel guilty. His whole life revolved around Tarn’s addiction; he was no longer in control, and could no longer enjoy whatever it was about Delphi he’d previously enjoyed. Perhaps the facility itself enabled Pharma to research cures and perform scientific miracles of medicine.

Being at the mercy of Tarn—convinced the DJD would find him no matter what—would have been pure psychological torture on its own, but also knowing that any small chance he did have of getting help would end in him losing everything would have added to his suffering. Pharma became desperate to reclaim control over his life and began planning an escape.

Now, JRO has said that Pharma didn’t originally plan to use the rust plague on the DJD…but canon says otherwise:

Of course, Pharma could have been lying to make himself look better in Ratchet’s view, but based on everything he’d been through up to this point with Tarn, it’s more likely he was telling the truth and had tried to eliminate the source of his suffering first. After all, wiping out the DJD would have been the simpler, cleaner option.

When the Duobots refused to detonate the soundbomb near the DJD, Pharma’s objectives shifted. He had to get Delphi shut down in a way that would:

Convince the DJD the shutdown was legitimate.

Pharma knew chances of escaping the DJD at all were slim to none, but he was desperate. Getting Delphi shut down would cut off Tarn’s supply of T-cogs and allow Pharma to escape Tarn’s immediate control, but the shutdown had to be “legitimate” to prevent Tarn from retaliating and hunting him down later. Leaving Tarn even the slightest chance of regaining control was too risky, so Pharma had to make sure his plan was as airtight as possible.

Cover up the patient murders.

If the truth got out about Pharma killing patients, he’d lose his medical license and most likely be put away for life. Being cut off from the practice of medicine and his intellectually stimulating work as a doctor would mean losing more than a job and a reputation. It would mean losing everything in which he’d anchored his sense of identity and life’s meaning. His refusal to consider any other options wasn’t just about ego and preserving his image as an excellent doctor; it was about preserving any kind of meaningful future he saw for himself.

Pharma needed a plan that would fulfill all of the above. Turning the engineered virus on the medical facility was the most effective and efficient solution. Anything else would have made him suspicious in the view of either Autobot High Command or the DJD, and neither of those would have ended well for him.

Because of his goal to preserve his reputation and future in medicine, he couldn’t even risk revealing anything to First Aid or Ambulon, who would have seen to his ruin. They became nothing more than loose ends that had to be tied up, and based on the fact that Pharma only prepared one vial of the vaccine, his original plan involved him being the only survivor:

He probably would have had no problem making more of the vaccine for anyone else who survived, but he wasn’t counting on it. He wanted a totally clean slate; in letting his staff die with most of his patients, he would be getting rid of any and all evidence and reminders of his failures. He may have cared about First Aid and Ambulon before things got bad, but somewhere along the way, he decided either it wasn’t worth it to go through the trouble of finding a way to save them without raising suspicion, or he didn’t want to risk them putting together the pieces later on.

Of course, when Ratchet showed up, plans changed.

Ratchet

Ratchet is not the kind of person who seeks first to understand or be understanding. He’s inclined to trust what’s in front of him over anything abstract, and tends to look at the results of someone’s actions over trying to find any kind of ‘why’ behind them. Also, unlike Pharma, he operates from a strong moral sense, and reacts quickly and strongly when something or someone goes against that internal moral sense.

Ratchet’s reaction to finding out what Pharma did may seem hasty and harsh, but it makes perfect sense on a human level. There is no such thing as unconditional love; everyone has personal and moral lines (boundaries), and they’re different for each individual. When the most rigid of lines is crossed, that’s it; walls go up and the offender is cut off, no matter how strong the relationship may have been.

Ratchet obviously knew Pharma well enough to think he could try talking some sense into him, but then Pharma revealed that he’d crossed one of Ratchet’s lines: murdering patients. Any willingness Ratchet may have had to try to understand vanished. By the time Pharma started trying to provide a ‘why’ for his actions, Ratchet’s moral judgment had already shut down any chance of understanding what could have possibly led Pharma to kill patients. It didn’t help that Pharma seemed totally unapologetic and outright proud of his plan. For Ratchet, the ‘why’ didn’t matter anymore. What he saw was what he trusted, and what he saw was a friend who’d become his idea of a monster.

Now, Ratchet and Pharma’s relationship is one of the most confusing IDW relationships I’ve had the pleasure and pain of dissecting.

It is notoriously difficult to determine the depth and strength of a relationship from the outside. However, I’ve decided to go ahead and address it anyway because it has the potential to provide insight into Pharma as an individual.

If I were to sum up Pharma and Ratchet’s relationship in a single word, I would use “ambivalent.” The first time I read MTMTE, the thing that stood out to me most about their relationship was the drastic differences between how they each perceived the relationship.

In one sense, there’s the idea of Pharma basically being Ratchet’s crazy stalker ex, which is tossed around in fandom a lot. While I personally dislike seeing it regardless of context (yes, even as a joke), I do see how JRO’s writing choices set things up in a way that makes it easy to superimpose that trope.

In another sense, there’s the idea that Pharma and Ratchet were always close friends, and that what happened at the end of the Delphi story was a betrayal of both sides that came out of nowhere and whose consequences were taken too far.

I disagree with both. Personally, what I see at the end of the Delphi story isn’t an obsessed ex gone mad, a sudden betrayal, or a badly executed backstabbing. What I see is a breakdown of an already-complicated and poorly-maintained relationship: true feelings being revealed, long-repressed bitterness being forced to the surface, carefully-hidden cracks being split wide open.

Most people don’t have an accurate understanding of how much or how little they truly know the people in their lives, often overestimating how well they know a person until something surfaces and blindsides them.

According to JRO, Ratchet was oblivious to Pharma’s romantic interest, and throughout canon, it’s easy to see Pharma was more invested in the relationship than Ratchet ever was.

The question is, did Ratchet ever care about Pharma at all? And if so, to what degree?

Yes, Ratchet calls Pharma “buddy” and “friend,” but the former was sarcastic, and the latter means something different to each person. Also, in light of the circumstances, Ratchet could have just been saying “friend” in response to Pharma saying it—an emotional appeal more than anything.

However, Pharma must have been aware of Ratchet’s lack of relational investment because during the confrontation at Delphi, Pharma’s first reaction wasn’t to appeal to their friendship (ex: “But you know me!”). Instead, he appealed to their shared profession:

Then there’s the exchange of insults:

This is what I meant earlier by “true feelings being revealed.” Ratchet may have just been trying to match Pharma’s insult, but it’s unlikely it was merely reciprocal because while Ratchet is snarky at times, he’s sincere in that snark. There’s almost always some truth in his verbal jabs no matter how unserious they seem, and he’s never cruel for cruelty’s sake.

So, if Pharma saw Ratchet as an inferior doctor, and Ratchet saw Pharma as an inferior Autobot…it’s reasonable to assume there was always some deep-rooted competition and conflict preventing them from being super close.

Possible suspicion surrounding Pharma’s conduct as an Autobot paired with a tendency to misjudge the nuances of relationships could explain why Ratchet was so quick to decide Pharma was a lost cause. Maybe Pharma’s actions at Delphi confirmed something from the past that Ratchet had brushed off for whatever reason.

In any case, Ratchet seems to have been largely unaffected by the Pharma he found at Delphi. While leaving Messatine, he emphasizes that he’ll miss Pharma’s talent.

Not “who he used to be.”

Not “what we used to have.”

Just…“his talent.”

Later, on Luna 1, Pharma mentions that he and Ratchet were inseparable, but that could mean a few different things:

Best case scenario: Pharma and Ratchet sought each other out on equal terms.

Worst case scenario: Pharma followed Ratchet around.

Somewhere in the middle: the job forced Pharma and Ratchet to work in close proximity most of the time, and while Pharma intentionally ran into Ratchet more often than necessary, Ratchet also sought out Pharma every now and then.

Whatever the case, working with someone every day doesn’t tell you anything about who they are as a person, and the amount of time spent with someone doesn’t automatically correlate to how deep the relationship is or how well the people know each other. It’s not like either Pharma or Ratchet are shown to be good at expressing their personal feelings outside of extreme circumstances.

Ratchet does bring up late-night conversations of the past:

But while this indicates there was something deeper between him and Pharma, because neither of them were ever shown to be super open with their true feelings, it’s unlikely the conversations were full of touchy-feely talk. In all likelihood, the conversations were mostly medicine and war-related, with the rare spark-to-spark talk sprinkled in. Also, considering everything up to this point, one has to wonder if those talks ever meant anything to Ratchet, or if he was just digging for something that might stall Pharma’s torture.

Maybe those late-night conversations did mean something to Ratchet, but whatever the case, Pharma didn’t take the bait. He knew Ratchet was trying to stall by making an emotional appeal, and perhaps he was convinced the conversations hadn’t meant that much to Ratchet.

Looking at all of this, it’s hard to believe Ratchet ever cared about Pharma as more than an interesting work friend. But even if he had cared more than he let on, it wasn’t enough to overcome the doubts he had about Pharma’s character.

As for whether Pharma truly cared about Ratchet, I’m convinced he did, but in a mostly unhealthy way, and with a strong undercurrent of one-sided rivalry. At some point, Ratchet had been an equal and a source of challenge, and he probably listened to Pharma pretty often. It’s reasonable to assume Ratchet was one of the only people—if not the only person—able to handle Pharma’s intense temperament and challenge him in a meaningful way, providing some semblance of friendship for Pharma.

However, one last thing that stands out is that, when telling Ratchet why he’s torturing him, Pharma didn’t say anything like, “Because you hurt me” or “Because you turned against me—your friend.” Instead, he said it was for “ruining things at Delphi” and because “you declared war on my body.”

Either Pharma wasn’t being entirely honest, or Ratchet’s friendship didn’t mean as much in the first place as he’d previously implied. It’s possible the ‘Because you hurt me’ was implied in “for ruining things back at Delphi,” but why not say it outright? Perhaps it was a fear of vulnerability and admitting there was ever a relational need at all.

At the end of the day, it’s difficult to say for certain how close Pharma and Ratchet were, but it’s clear they were never on the same page and there were always barriers between them.

Luna 1

Revisiting the matter of Pharma’s morality taking a backseat to other priorities, his time on Luna 1 further underscores this. Again, Pharma chooses his battles and is unwilling to put himself at great risk for the sake of others, but a closer look at the situation with Tyrest reveals there wasn’t really anything he could have done for the Cold Construct population even if he had wanted to. It would have been him against Tyrest, an army of Legislators, and a bunch of Decepticons. Pharma knew his limits, and seeing as his goal was self-preservation, it was perfectly rational for him to go along with Tyrest’s grand scheme.

Besides, it doesn’t look like he was given much of a choice:

Although, knowing Pharma, he still would have demanded to know beforehand what he would get in return for the pain, and evidently, Tyrest held up his end of the deal since Pharma had access to the Luna 1 tech collection.

As for Tyrest��s plan to wipe out the Cold Construct population, there’s nothing indicating Pharma’s decision to turn a blind eye to it was rooted in malevolence or bigotry—just rational apathy: ‘I can’t stop Tyrest, so why concern myself with the outcome?’

Again, you can’t save everyone; Pharma had all he could do to save himself.

But it wasn’t all horrible. I would even go so far as to say Pharma found some happiness on Luna 1. Tyrest didn’t care about him, but he didn’t need Tyrest to care. Everyone else there hated him, but he didn’t need to feel like he belonged or was admired. At this point, Pharma’s only interest was Tyrest’s Luna 1 tech collection, and that meant playing nice so he could keep his reward. Back at Delphi, he probably assumed he’d never again practice medicine the way he’d loved; being brought to Luna 1 was an unexpected, yet welcome, second chance.

Even so, Pharma had his moments of cruelty. Back at Delphi, he had easily-identifiable reasons to kill patients—both the ones whose T-cogs he harvested and the 20 more he tried to kill when he shot the life support machine. But on Luna 1, he had no reason to be cruel, yet he chose to be. By this point, he’d mastered the ability to almost completely ignore or subdue his conscience.

In the case of Ratchet’s torment, one could argue Pharma only drew it out for retaliation purposes; it was personal for him.

As for cutting Ambulon in half, it was obviously meant to be as gruesome as possible, yet also quick. But personally, I don’t think it was about Ambulon; it was more about hurting Ratchet. Due to the fact that Ratchet’s identity is wrapped up in his compassion and his ability to be helpful as a doctor, one of the most effective acts of revenge would be to do something that makes him feel utterly helpless.

Also I wonder if, subconsciously or consciously, Pharma was attempting to recreate the sense of helplessness he felt back at Delphi under Tarn’s watch: “Do you see, Ratchet? Do you now understand how it feels to have control ripped out of your hands? To be totally helpless?”

Next, for some reason, Pharma was invested in the promised execution of Getaway and Skids:

He had no personal connection to either of them that would give him a reason to be interested, so maybe Tyrest told him he could perform the execution and/or have the corpses for medical experimentation. Either way, Pharma would have had a chance to use some of the tech in Tyrest’s tech collection, possibly explaining his excitement.

Of course, any chance of an execution disappeared when the final showdown went wrong.

When Pharma tried to escape to Cyberutopia and discovered he couldn’t pass through the spacebridge forcefield, he gave up. He’d been caught; he would no longer have access to Tyrest’s tech collection; Ratchet and every other self-righteous Autobot would never forgive him; and the morality lock prevented him from escaping. By all appearances, he would never again be able to engage in that which gave him a sense of meaning. He had shrunken his world down to his obsessive interest in a specialized field and one significant, yet unrequited relationship. With both of these lost, his world collapsed.

Yes, guilt played a part in Pharma’s despondency, but because he seems to have been in denial of said guilt, it’s more likely his despair was primarily due to the fact that he saw no future for himself. He had nothing left to live for.

In light of this, Pharma’s flippant comments to First Aid make sense. He wasn’t being insensitive as much as he was goading First Aid. Pharma’s not stupid. First Aid had a massive rotary cannon on him, and Pharma knew exactly which emotional buttons to push to get him to pull the trigger.

Pharma wanted to die.

Adaptus

First, let me emphasize that Adaptus did not take possession of Pharma’s body. Instead, Pharma was the unwelcome guest:

How Pharma ended up in Adaptus’ new body is a mystery, but whatever the case, Pharma didn’t pass on to the Allspark. Whether or not he had a choice can only be speculated.

First Aid had blasted Pharma’s head clean off, so whatever happened must have been related to the spark. Perhaps some residual spark energy was trapped in a body part that Adaptus repurposed, leaving Pharma tethered to the new body unwillingly.

Still, Pharma managed to assert his will and override Adaptus for a brief moment. Considering Adaptus was basically a god, this is impressive.

Based on Adaptus’ surprise at being interrupted, it seems he didn’t know Pharma was there. Why Pharma hadn’t tried to assert himself sooner is a mystery. Maybe Adaptus’ scheme was entertaining; maybe Pharma actually liked the company; or maybe he’d been waiting for an opportunity to get revenge on Tyrest for everything done to him back at Luna 1.

Sure enough, just like with Ratchet back on Luna 1, Pharma’s vengeful streak came out as soon as there was an opportunity.

Unfortunately for him, this left him vulnerable, and Tyrest took advantage of the confusion:

Conclusion

When someone reduces their world to narrow personal interests and one or a few very special people, their grip tightens around what little they have. They often become obsessive and possessive of the few things that make them feel alive, and their view of the world becomes increasingly more subjective and detached from the outside world. Pharma seems to have fallen into this trap.

Even so, in the context of the circumstances, several of the decisions he made were rational—even if coldly so. Oftentimes, “extreme” rationality and self-preservation are villainized in fiction, and characters like Pharma who don’t automatically put themselves at great risk for anyone and everyone are villainized, or at least looked down on. Their choices are often regarded as less human, but rationality and self-preservation are just as human as compassion and self-sacrifice.

Ultimately, Pharma was trapped and pushed over the edge into “insanity” by Tarn’s cruelty, but his own choices made from a place of pride determined how he fell, and how far he fell. It was a perfect storm of Tarn’s mind games and Pharma’s intellectual arrogance, excessive self-confidence, obsessive nature, and stubborn grip on the kind of future he wanted for himself.

Pharma is yet another Icarus who flew too close to the sun and paid dearly for it, and while JRO/the narrative could have given this Icarus better wings, that doesn’t change the fact that he chose to fly so high.

***

Many thanks to anyone who made it to the end of this monster of a post.

-tosses a Rodimus Star at you-

#idw transformers #idw1 #maccadam #MTMTE #lost light #idw pharma #pharma #tf idw character analysis #tf idw meta #dr. fancy hands #nova’s nerding out again

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moonshadowmystique · 9 months ago

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The Right Person at the Wrong Time - A Reflection on Timing and Connection

All our lives, we have heard stories that involve the right person turning up at the wrong time. This concept is jarringly alarming because it layer-peels the facade of finding the right individual in regard to love, connection, or relationship. This indicates, if explained better, that two people fitting for each other might fail to emerge when the various elements of life are against their coming together.

What does it even mean to meet the right person at the wrong time?

The Complexity in Timing

Timing is an invisible force that shapes the connections we make, often in ways of which we are barely aware. You might meet your dream person, that person who checks all the boxes or sees the world through a filter instituted by your soul. But with you not being emotionally available, probably still recovering from injuries of the past, or perhaps in the middle of some personal crisis, such connection might just not blossom. On the other hand, it could be them who is dealing with troubles at this stage, which means they cannot also be fully present.

This is extra challenging because, by nature of things, there is tension between what we feel and what reality presents. There is almost something tragic in the beauty of having found someone incredible but at the wrong time. You're forced, then, to think that love and connection are about more than logical matches, but two lives crossing at a certain point where access and readiness are aligned.

The 'What If' Paradox

That is the question that will haunt when the right person shows up at the wrong time: What if things were different? It's such a haunting thought, and then you are left to wonder how, in some other world, maybe it would have worked between the two of you. You have a vision of how this might have been the case with another chapter of your life. You could run yourself into sleepless nights with 'what ifs' and yearn for something that may never be resolved.

But harboring such questions in one's mind forever would render living in the present light of day an impossibility. It is very human to reflect on the paths not taken, but living in the country of 'what ifs' blinds you to the new opportunities staring you in the face.

Growth, Timing, and Readiness

It might be that meeting the right person at the wrong time sometimes serves a great purpose. Sometimes such experiences will teach us more about ourselves, or perhaps are a reflection of where we need to grow or what we need to let go of to be truly ready for a meaningful connection in the future. Other times, the person you meet is but a mirror reflecting the work yet to be done on yourself.

That person may remind you that deep love is deserved by you, even if at the time that is not fated to be with them. They may provide a catalyzing agent that impels you to align your life through means that serve to better prepare you in the future for a relationship be it with them or someone else.

Embracing Imperfection

One of the most painful things we may learn is that imperfection meets us around every corner in life, and love is no different. Yes, even when we think we have found that person who fits every category on our ostensibly perfect list, it's not as if the universe necessarily plays a role in ensuring that all that lines up. That's just part of the mystery—and frustration—of being human.

But perhaps, other than cruel fate, that is the profound message: love is not about everything working out perfectly. It means the understanding that connections, no matter the depth, sometimes do not come out with fairy tales. It is about embracing the will-o'-the-wisps, beautiful moments for what they are and not necessarily needing them to last.

Moving Forward with Ease

So, what happens when you are in this situation? There isn't some simple answer to this proposition, nor is a one-size-fits-all solution for anything. Some can hold onto the hope that one day, in the future, the timing shall be right and the stars align. While others let go, realizing that even while a connection was powerful, yet it simply wasn't meant to be a permanent fixture in our lives.

Both are correct. The key is to move with elegance. Life, with all the moments of its unpredictability, is a journey that's really full of twists and turns. That person at the wrong time could have been one chapter in your story, but it need not define the whole narrative. Every experience in life adds to your growth, even the bittersweet ones.

Ultimately, the concept of meeting the right person at the wrong time invites us to consider what love, timing, and self-awareness are all about. It reminds us that not everything is about chemistry but about being prepared—about two people meeting at the crossroads of their journeys in life, ready to take that step together. And sometimes, such journeys are meant to meet only briefly, leaving an indelible mark but no permanent union. In those moments, we can only respectfully acknowledge the bond for what it was and know that each interaction—every human contact—is a part of our development and continues to shape us into who we are and who we will become.

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astrolocherry · 9 months ago

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Birthday Sun-Saturn aspects - "When nobody else is allowed in except the one who is cruellest of all to them - their self"

Sun conjunct Saturn, Sun opposite Saturn, Sun square Saturn, Sun trine Saturn, Sun sextile Saturn

written by astrolocherry

The Sun aspecting Saturn in a birth chart can create a sense of "numbness" or dissociation when trying to express the inner self outwardly. This aspect may cause a paradoxical feeling of taking up too much space while simultaneously feeling unnoticed and depressingly unremarkable. Streaks of apathy are usual and tend to begin around late adolescence into early adulthood. One major challenge of Sun-Saturn aspects is the frequent revealing of personality traits that were previously unknown. The identities that surface beyond the shadows be can be incredibly overwhelming and confusing.

The Sun-Saturn individual can have a level of self-awareness that is highly resourceful and provides a decent attunement to their values. However it can also have an intrusive, inhibiting, and unsettling effect. It can cause fixations and obsessions regarding their self-perceived flaws and the complexes produced as a result. There can be catastrophic influxes of negative thoughts It often leads to self-distancing before they can be left, or deciding they’ll be rejected before they even make an attempt to connect. One humiliating memory of rejection can trigger years of avoidant behaviour. They realise that they cannot control other people’s responses, so they control their boundaries and segregate the parts of themselves that they will reveal to others. Sun-Saturn aspects often produce an internal pressure for self-improvement encountering an equal sense of self-degridation that doesn’t feel worthy of such interventions, and further assumes that they will fail at their endeavours anyway. They often need convincing that there is far less—if anything—wrong with them than they tend to believe. An attraction to powerful and strong personality types that can seem to exacerbate these awry feelings about themselves is by no accident. They are conditioned to seek paternal figures to guide and emulate outside of the family unit, which in many cases were intimately negative experiences. Their inner work is certainly not in vain, this position generates some of the greatest astrological gains available to the occultist, who is traditionally a studier of the Self. It’s just that progress seems so sedate to one who is inclined to intensely fixate.

These are typically measured people, but they can be pensive, tense, and find it difficult to switch off and let somebody else take control. They are equipped with an ability to endure hardship and navigate life's challenges with grace, becoming sources of strength and stability for others. There’s a deep wisdom in their silence and a reason for their introversion. They truly benefit in reaching a state of being that comes with self-forgiveness.

Cherry

#sun-saturn aspects #saturn aspects #sun conjunct saturn #sun square saturn #sun opposite saturn #sun trine saturn #sun sextile saturn #birth chart #aspects #sun aspects #sun-saturn

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hatsunedidnothingwrong · 4 months ago

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Some disjointed late night thoughts abt Hatsusaki and my frustration with the fandom regarding the episode 11 reveals (no way in hell am I posting this on my main account lmao)

Once again, eternally confused by the people who think Hatsune's "chaining Saki-chan to the radiator" song is fine, healthy, romantic goals even; but jumped off the ship or JUST NOW realize Hatsune's behavior wasn't healthy nor sustainable at the incest reveal; you do realize that wanting to keep someone forever looked in a codependent relationship with you and intentionally pushing for it in their darkest hour is already a toxic relationship dynamic right? The incest is literally the lesser of both of their troubles right now. Toxic yuri fans when the yuri is actually toxic

Frankly it's even thematically consistent; in a narrative where familial structures and hierarchies are consistently portrayed as oppressive and dehumanizing, something that entraps the individual; isn't the ultimate denial of these structures the refusal to engage in it's rules? The utter disregard for it's repressive power?

If you don't want to engage with it like that there's also the angle of Hatsune's trauma; if you are alienated since early on (as is implied to be her case) from what a family IS, you are bound to develop complexes and either unhealthy or disjointed concepts of how to relate with Family, she clearly knows it's wrong to feel romantic feelings for her niece, her knowing that is kind of the center piece of her tragedy, but if you grow up never quite Being A Person, told from the beginning your existence is something that Should Not Be, something to hide, if someone looks at you and not only RECOGNIZES YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE, but also tells you you are something good, it would already fuck you up not even counting all the other complicated family complexes.

Hatsusaki/Uisaki would never go as hard as they go now without the incest and I will die on this hill; I will even go so far as to say they ONLY WORK SO WELL because of the incest

#uisaki #hatsusaki #hatsune misumi #ave mujica #animuji

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scandistar · 4 months ago

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Rolan's Personality Type

So, when responding to @sleketon-or-slekky's post on what Rolan's MBTI would be, I wondered if I should try writing an "essay" on it. Mind you, I have never written a character essay before and I'm not entirely sure how it works, but there is a first time for everything and I thought the topic was interesting enough to share my thoughts on as best as I can. However, I won't make any extreme deep dives as I am not a professional, so I'll keep it pretty basic but still explain my understanding of it. Do take everything I say with a grain of salt.

Before I start, I want to point out that personality typology such as Myers Briggs type indicator, enneagram, astrology and everything else that falls under the term are highly unreliable to use on real people, as every individual is too complex to perfectly fit into one box or another. Personality types are mostly regarded as pseudoscience in psychology, so in my opinion, they shouldn't be applied to anything other than entertainment and fiction.

(I've found most of my information from sources like 16personalities and Truity)

Anyway, let's begin.

MBTI, or Myers Briggs type indicator: The Prodigy

I think a lot of people on the internet have heard of MBTI before, which is a pretty straightforward tool to find your personality among 16 distinct types based on four letters that make up your functions. Introversion or Extroversion, Intuition or Sensing, Thinking or Feeling, and Judging or Perceiving. You're either one or the other of all four of these categories and they explain how you operate as a person. Of course, no one person is strictly a feeler and never thinks logically, and nobody is entirely extroverted and prefers to spend all their time around people. The lines blur somewhere, but the letters are based on how you function the majority of the time.

A lot of us know what Introversion and Extroversion are, but most people don't exactly know what they mean. It's not just about whether or not you like being around people, but when and where you get your energy. Some people prefer to be on their own to recharge, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they dislike people or struggle with being social. Others get their energy from being among friends and family, but that doesn't mean that they refuse to be alone or are unable to recharge in solitude.

As it is with NPCs, we haven't seen enough of Rolan to tell for certain whether he's an extrovert or introvert, but you can get a general idea from your interactions with him. He seems to strive for renown, dreaming of his name being known "far and wide". He wants all eyes on him, and though he could be feigning confidence, I also think it's tightly linked to who he is, as he genuinely seems to value being someone others look up to. He thrives in environments where he gets to show off his skills and he responds well to praise and applause. Those who aspire to be in the spotlight are often rather extroverted people, whether or not it is a coping mechanism. So I'll give him an E (don't worry, babe. I'm not grading you).

Then there is Intuition and Sensing. It means you either utilise concrete thinking as you analyse the world around you (Sensing) or abstract thinking as you regard the "what if"s of a situation rather than the tangible (Intuition).

Rolan is a very concrete and literal person. He's highly focused on the things that are in front of him, and the things that are the most important: The safety of his siblings and his apprenticeship waiting for him in Baldur's gate. He is laser-focused on both, and he's practical enough to act on achieving them by all means. He doesn't stop and let his imagination do the work for him, he's hellbent on continuing forward and learning all that he can. So much so that he didn't think to question if Lorroakan's treatment of him was entirely necessary, as he thought it was the prize he had to pay "to become a true wizard". He saw his abuse as a test and it seemed reasonable to him. He is also very good at taking past experiences into account as a way of learning from them, which is brilliant for his character development. So, I give him an S (because he's S-teir).

Thinking and Feeling are often discussed when it comes to MBTI. If feelers are nothing but illogical crybabies, and thinkers are unfeeling machines. Both are entirely untrue, of course. Some lean more into their feelings than others, while some focus more on the facts, but that doesn't mean that the former can't practice logic and rational thinking and the latter are unempathetic and hold no sentimental values. We're still human (humanoid in Rolan's case).

Rolan comes off as unfeeling the first time you meet him. He wants to leave the grove and the refugees behind to continue onward to Baldur's gate, refusing to stay and help. I've read plenty of great character analysis posts on why that is his stance, and they've all painted a good picture of him as a person and what he has potentially been through as a child when you take his mannerisms into account, which are rather atypical compared to the other tieflings. But I won't get into that, because now we're talking about our feelings! I can say straight off the bat that Rolan is a highly rational person. He does things because they make sense and not necessarily because they feel right. It makes sense to leave the grove because one: They have places to be and he "cannot be late", and two: These people won't make it otherwise. If you and your companions hadn't arrived, he would've been right. Why stay and defend a bunch of strangers that will ultimately die, when you have the chance to bring your family to safety? He doesn't hold anything back either, as he says what he thinks, even if it makes him appear in a less savoury light. But it can also be said that his emotions do fuel the things he says, especially when he lashes out at you in Act 2 after losing Cal and Lia. But like I said, he's a person. So, I give him a strong T (for our Testy grump).

Lastly, we have Judging and Perceiving. Either you're a very organised and schedule-oriented person. You're less open-ended, focus more on efficiency than flexibility and want to have things determined and prepared (Judging). Or, you're a far more spontaneous person who doesn't want to restrict your options. You want to have the opportunity to explore your interests and alternatives freely without being tied to timetables and intricate plans (Perceiving).

I think I've pretty much established that Rolan is single-mindedly focused on getting to Baldur's gate and starting his apprenticeship. Little else can infringe on that plan and whenever he has no choice but to postpone it, he gets noticeably stressed and upset. Speaking to him at the tiefling party, an occasion which is a distraction from the current course of action, he reveals that it wasn't his decision to come, but Cal and Lia's. He's decisive, stubborn as an ass and wants things to go according to his expectations, and when they don't, it tests his patience and puts him ill at ease. With his every plan, he makes it abundantly clear that he will follow through with them no matter what. No matter if it means conquering the shadow curse to save his siblings. No matter if it means being frequently verbally and physically abused to achieve his dream. No matter if he has to rip his newly-acquired tower apart to find a way to help you fight the Absolute. He is stalwart and orderly, which is admirable, but his aversion to any form of help has come with its share of consequences. Thus I'll give our beloved tiefling a J (I don't have a clever joke for that one).

So, that would mean that he falls on Extroversion, Sensing, Thinking and Judging. Or to put it simply: ESTJ.

An ESTJ, also known as the "executive" or "supervisor" (as referred to by 16personalities and Truity respectively), is a hard-working, traditional and dedicated individual who appreciates orderly and methodical approaches to their everyday life. They're assertive and efficient and want structure and control of their physical and social environment, while also being highly resilient and determined. They're grounded and see things for what they are and how they can be improved, often taking inspiration from past problems and solutions, and they're mostly at home in a setting where they're in the lead, therefore shining in roles as managers and directors of both themselves and others. Although they can be unapologetically straightforward and honest, they're incredibly loyal and reliable, staying true to their word and never breaking their promises.

An ESTJ, however, is rigid and unyielding. They can be uptight and have strong convictions in their beliefs of what is right and wrong, making them rather judgemental of those who do not fit their opinion of "right". Due to their extroversion and strong traditionalism, they can put a bit too much importance on status and have incredibly high standards for themselves.

Now, I am aware that it would be better to go into cognitive functions and assess which one of those he aligns with, but that would make this essay twice as long and a lot more convoluted than what I've already made it, but I'm pretty confident in my conclusion either way. I didn't intend to make this a deep dive and I think ESTJ fits him almost to a tee.

I don't know how exactly to conclude this. As I said, I've never done a character essay before and I've always had a hard time trusting my own judgement and opinions on things, but sometimes you have to take a leap of faith.

Anyway, I had fun with this! But if there is anything I missed that is worth mentioning, or if you have any additional thoughts on this, I'd love to hear them! Every perspective of our beloved grumpy tiefling wizard is a welcome one and I am always open to discussion. I wrote this for the Rolan nation, after all!

Thank you for reading! <3

Also, before you go, have a little Rolan dressed as the ESTJ avatar from 16p:

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 rolan #rolan #holy rolan empire #rolan bg3 #rolan empire #rolan nation #rolan fanart #character essay #personality psychology #mbti #mbti personalities #mbti types #mbti estj

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puhpandas · 1 month ago

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hi!! :) i saw ur post asking for beckory hcs and unfortunately my brain wont think up any beckory hcs rn BUT i do remember some you have that id love to mention

I remember (i think???) you said somewhere that neither tony or gregory really ever confess. Not like “will you be my boyfriend”, instead its kind of a slow progress where they over time get more and more comfortable doing romantic gestures. Its never outwardly said but both tony and gregory see it and can feel it and know its there. Know SOMETHING is there, and i absolutely adoreeeee that. Like they just do their own thing, they dont worry about sticking a label on it. Like gregory will give tony drawings of fronnie, and tony keeps every single one. They’ll grow comfortable enough to hold hands and they just slowly become more and more comfortable with being romantic with each other. They both notice something is there but arent worried about labeling it, it doesnt need a label, its just what feels right for them (Queerplatonic beckory…..)

And then you said something in response to my post about beckory hcs where Tony is 19 when he realizes he wants to marry gregory and i think thats so cute. And im curious on how you think the eventual proposal would go. Tbh i feel like it wouldnt be anything huge, its just in private when theyre both hanging out with each other and tony casually pops the question (i say casually but he was probably a nervous wreck) but its still a sweet and romantic moment. And then a few days later gregory is hanging out with cassie and hes casually like “oh yeah im engaged to tony” and cassie is like “WHAAAAT”. But id still love to know how you’d imagine it would go :)

Also i do have one little hc actually, its just that gregory is surprisingly good at rollerskating, and tony sucks at it. They hold hands as they skate so tony doesnt fall and embarrass himself

yes!!! I think a good way to describe how I see them is a mix of queerplatonic and romantic but at the end of the day I just love seeing their relationship as unable to be labeled and that's okay. like their relationship is so complicated and deep bc of the shit that's happened to them 😭 and they're both so individually deep and complex as people they're bound to have so many different feelings about things including eachother. they definitely butt heads sometimes but overall they make eachother better because of that drive to stay close and fully involved in eachother's lives. human relationships are just so intricate I think it's interesting if it's not fit into one specific box bc irl it's just truly not always like that

the idea of anything happening to what they have going on even earlier in their relationship especially after both of them thought they 'lost' the other (Gregory literally thinking Tony was long dead by his own hands before he showed up one day at his doorstep lmao) things seem so much less world ending and important at that point especially just after what they've been through in general trauma wise. like to Gregory after (remembering) everything he's lost with his entire family being murdered and his life being completely uprooted and stuff he doesn't really see a lot of smaller things as much of a problem lmao. and that'd improve Tony's mental health and just character in general subconsciously adopting that because he takes a chill pill and isn't so high strung and self righteous about everything anymore . and it only gets more apparent and better as they get older (all this starts happening when they're like 14)

and for the proposal thing it's funny bc when I said that HC about Tony being 19 when he realizes it was because I actually have some wedding wips regarding some of that so it was on the mind! beckory isn't the focus but they definitely have importance and I was actually considering cutting it completely but this ask probably just made me decide to keep it in lol. the scene in question is actually exactly what u were talking about with how he would 'propose', but a little different. hopefully I can get it out soon lol. the beckory focus would be a sequel fic (oneshot) to a different fic (also a oneshot) and that one wouldn't be posted until July for reasons so hopefully around then I can get myself to write it. lol hopefully I can even finish the first fic o_o'

the roller skating HC is so real lol I like to think Gregory wants to be a skater boy so bad but he's better at skating tragically 💔 Tony would be so bad at it but someone sticking behind with him would make it fun for him

#pandas.txt #pandas asks #beckory #gregory #tony #thoughts

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youremyheaven · 2 years ago

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The 12th House in Astrology 🧜‍♀️🧚‍♀️ 🦋

(this can apply to both tropical and vedic placement of 12th house because regardless of the system employed, the energy felt and experienced is the same :-)

Most people have a lot of prejudice about the 12h and its energies. There is a largely negative portrayal of it in the mainstream astro community and very little nuanced discussion of the same. So, I thought I'd make a post exploring the 12th and final house in astrology and add more to the existing narrative regarding it.

The 12h is commonly described as the house of loss, liberation, isolation and decline

This house is said to governs misery, waste, expenses as well as divine knowledge, sympathy, Moksha (final emancipation) and life after death. It is also the house of detachment.

Now those are a lot of very contradictory terms. How could a house govern both loss and divine knowledge?

The 12th house and water houses (4h, 8h & 12h) in general are very complex and easily misunderstood. The thing about water is that it has no shape or form of its own, it takes the form of whatever vessel its poured into. another thing about water is that its the most easily polluted element. Water energy is one that must be precariously balanced because these natives easily absorb the influence of others (good or bad), this is one reason why the 12h is the house of "loss" because it truly is the death of the individual. you know those quotes about "i am an amalgamation of every person ive met, every book ive read, every song i loved...." 12housers are actually built like that.

being a 12h native can be rewarding because you absorb absolutely everything like a cosmic sponge but on the other hand, its very easy to lose all sense of self.

especially natives with 12h stelliums may often find it difficult to not take everything so personally. this is not because they think the world revolves around them but because its hard for them to separate themselves from others and their actions. they're personally of the type where everything they say or do is tailored specifically to the person they're interacting with. they may not even be aware that they're doing this, they pick up on energies almost by osmosis and guide their conduct that way. however they must realize that this is peculiar to them and is not something others are naturally accustomed to doing.

there is a reason why Venus exalts in the 12h. you lose all sense of self and give yourself completely to your lover with utmost devotion. love is sacred and profound to them, they will do absolutely anything for their love. which is why they have to be so careful with picking their partners. they have limitless capacity for giving but if you give to the wrong person, you'll be drained. when you merge with the right person, your cup never goes empty with your giving because your union satiates you completely.

if we were to think of houses 1 to 11 as a path of linear development, starting with the 1st house of self & identity and ending with the 11th house of friendship, community & legacy, then we will understand that after an individual goes through all these stages, the only thing left for them to do is seek liberation from this cycle; this is why 12h is the house of Moksha. once you've fulfilled your material desires, you will feel a lack in your life and the only thing left to do is pursue the path of spirituality. Moksha is however not given to one; one must strive for it.

this journey is a deeply personal one and liberation from one's ego and earthly pursuits is far from easy. no matter what these natives do, ultimately, they wont feel satisfied unless they've nourished themselves spiritually.

sometimes these natives may indulge in drugs or other substances to fill the void but as they evolve they will understand what theyre truly yearning for is the spiritual truth.

more often than not, these natives experience "spiritual awakenings" completely unprompted. god decides its time and it happens. much of their early life can be very dark and this "awakening" marks the beginning of a shift in their life. this happens in stages depending on the level of their spiritual evolution.

the 12th house is the house of isolation because what these natives experience is not something that others can understand easily. they are the most likely to develop psychosomatic conditions, simply because their energetic body is so susceptible to influence.

think of the vast endless ocean. can one individual possibly drink up all of that water? its absurd to even consider it. thats kind of what its like to be a 12h native. there's a limitless reservoir to tap into, the energy is so vast that its confusing and disorienting and you have no idea what to do with it. its very easy to be misguided as well. this is why its the house of decline. you have to constantly be on the look out in order to avoid the pitfalls, otherwise its easy to stagnate and easy to harm yourself.

There is a Latin quote that goes as follows:

"What nourishes me, destroys me"

This sums up 12th house energy pretty much. Its the energy of opposites and paradoxes. You need this endless reservoir to function, its the thing that feeds you but if you're not careful, it can also lead you to your own ruin.

Fun fact: Angelina Jolie has this quote tattooed on her. She is a Revati Moon. Pisces occupies the 12th house.

remember that Pisces' symbol is of two fishes swimming in opposite directions. this shows that the innate nature of these natives is to be torn between polarising energies and opposing forces. it is a balancing act to say the least.

these natives are easily misunderstood, simply because there is SO much to them. whatever you think they are, thats what they're not.

going back to the cosmic ocean metaphor, its easy to see how such abundance can feel like an excess and lead to misery and wastefulness. its simply a LOT to handle, not just for others but even for these natives themselves. this is one reason why so many of these natives tend to keep to themselves.

even the more sociable 12h natives often have an interior life that no one will know about, they have a whole another side to them that they keep separate, just because they want to assert complete ownership of this private side as something that belongs only to them and the other, more "public" side that they give to others.

these natives are the most empathetic and if you look at the charts of most "legendary" actors, they'll either have pisces/12h luminaries. empathy does not quite cut it, they can not only feel what others are feeling but embody it fully and experience it as their own. this is what makes them incredible actors. even non-actor 12h natives process things this way and often find that others around them are insensitive or lacking the same capacity. they do not understand why others don't feel as deeply as they do or understand situations the way they do. they find society at large to be very callous and apathetic.

a 12th house native is also capable of feeling apathy and absolute indifference but this is very selective; the 12h is the house of detachment because as it is, they're tethered to the world by a thin cord and are only very mildly connected to things. they're in this world but seldom inhabit it. another side to this is that they're wildly imaginative. although mercury debilitates in the 12h, it does not affect the native too badly, as they simply channel their thoughts into other forms. they are gifted at communicating abstract ideas and make excellent artists due to the same reason. robbed of any sense of what is "practical" or "realistic", they roam free in the realm of the mind. many abstract, surrealist and expressionist artists have either Pisces or other water sign placements in their big 3.

these natives live a life of non-being, as they're already so detached from everything, including themselves; this is not negative on its own and will manifest differently for different individuals; this can mean that they're extremely empathetic or detached to the point of inaction and passivity in extreme cases; they dont find a lot of things to be meaningful and its hard for them to apply themselves because of it. this gives us a glimpse of what life is like after death.

the 12th house also represents spirituality, introspection, foreign travels, hidden enemies, & the subconscious mind and it is the house of endings and undoing.

12th house natives are always intrigued by all things foreign, they feel like they do not belong to the place they're from and feel connected to cultures and people that are foreign to them. since they themselves feel like an alien or are made to feel that way, they feel naturally at ease in foreign places and cultures where everything is alien. they often settle overseas.

these natives court attention wherever they go, because the 12h energy is a very distinct and potent one. a lot of celebrities have it and its a very common fame indicator. due to this reason, they also attract enemies who remain unknown to them. these natives are seldom if ever, engaged in actual feuds with people and if they are, its usually for righteous reasons or because the other person started it. theyre wayyyy too peace loving and lowkey to pick fights with others. this is why they dont know who is speaking ill of them behind their back. they're always minding their own business and it surprises them that others are not doing the same.

everybody is guided by their subconscious and one major part of spirituality is to try and make ourselves more conscious. 12h representing spirituality (the cosmic ocean) makes even more sense considering its opposite (2 fishes swimming in opposite directions) which is the unknown, the subconscious. to be spiritual means to seek truth and to seek answers and swim towards the subconscious to shed light to it and understand it better.

lastly, it is the house of endings and undoing. 12h being the final concluding house represents the end of the cycle. when a cycle ends, the energy is of a complete transformation. only when something has reached completion can it come to an end. the butterfly does not emerge unformed but as a completely fully formed butterfly. the end marks the beginning. the 12h gives way to the 1h.

the creature in the cocoon was not a butterfly. it only became a butterfly when it emerged from the cocoon and to do so means loss of an old identity, loss of self, loss of all that you've ever known. this is your undoing. in order to become somebody else, in order to ascend, we have to be willing to undo ourselves. this is essential to any spiritual practice. we have to rid ourselves and our flimsy shell of identity in order to grow further.

for the same reason, 12housers are constantly transforming. they're the type of people who seem to have lived 10 different lives in one. be it their style, lifestyles, jobs, you name it, they're constantly undoing and transforming themselves. it seems to be the only way they know how to live. once theyve gathered all they can at one place, they outgrow it and change themselves almost entirely afterwards as they venture into something new.

thats it for now. i hope this shed some light on the 12h condition hehe<333

#astrology notes #vedic astro notes #astrology observations #sidereal astrology #astrology #astro observations #astro notes #astroblr #12th house #twelfth house #pisces #astro community

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kkoct-ik · 4 days ago

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hey! idk if it's okay to ask, it's okay to ignore this. how did you come to terms with being trans and decide to transition with the identity confusion? i'm not sure what i have going on specifically but i'm struggling with that. like if a part has dysphoria/ids as trans but another one doesn't, how do you know if you're trans? it isn't uncommon for parts to have different genders, isn't it? i imagine it depends a lot on the individual but i'd like to hear if you have any thoughts on the matter

oh im glad you asked this!! i actually have a lot to say on this from my experiences. im so happy to answer this

overall i think people can do anything. if by 'being trans' you mean express yourself, literally just do it. you dont have to justify yourself or have a 'legitimate reason' to shift your identity or presentation or experiment. youre always growing, always changing, humans are complex and awesome. dont shy away from being colourful and multifaceted.

that said i do know medical transition with dissociative stuff is kind of a hot topic because of its 'irreversibility', and i do have things to say, so ill ramble about my experiences with being a pwdid who has chosen to medically transition.

to contextualise myself ive been 'trans' since i was 12/13(?). this is when i first started presenting myself as male and using a new name. since then ive gone through a few different male primary identities but i've stayed pretty consistently ftm. when pitching myself to healthcare providers, i can pretty easily tell them that ive been unwaveringly socially presenting as male since i was 12.

that said when it came to my 20s and the prospect of actually booking those appointments and securing masculinising hrt i kind of had an identity crisis. because although my primary identities have been male for a long time, theyve also always been very kinda miserable and felt kinda wrong and disengaged (which makes me believe a lot of my binary maleness is a way i reject myself. which made me think, if the gender dysphoria is a dissociative symptom, won't healing my trauma get rid of it..?). moreover when ive been in certain female parts ive felt comfortable and happy, so clearly girlhood in general is to an extent grounding to me. but still, the notion of being seen as and treated as a woman makes me feel bad, even when in female parts. my pronouns are definitely he/him.

so i had no idea 'what' i was. i really felt the possibility that down the line id have a totally different gender, and maybe not be 'trans' at all, so i worried about healing my trauma and then regretting medically transitioning.

what i ended up doing was just a lot of introspection into my identity. i decided to accept that i was allowed to make choices and exercise my autonomy for my present self, without being paralysed about a possible future. i knew if i just kept waiting and being afraid, i was going to remain disconnected from myself, forever wondering if transitioning could have made me feel better. i reckoned even if i did detransition in the future, i would still respect my past decision, because i was going to put a lot of thought into this decision and make it for myself and my happiness with the information i have now, as i should.

i ended up frequenting the actual_detrans sub for a bit to make sure i was open to the possibility to changing my mind in the future, and also so i could be assured i wasnt just operating under sunk cost fallacy by locking in and medically transitioning because i felt like being 'wrong' wasnt an option. i also reflected on my identity as a whole, and figured collectively, im definitely nonbinary in some sense (luckily, im at a point in recovery where i am relatively integrated, and thus can piece together my 'big picture' and come to this conclusion. this will probably be harder for others...). when considering all my parts: i enjoy regarding myself as a 'girl', a 'man', and in a masculine/butch way. so i took that when working out how to become 'myself' without worrying about using singular or binary labels.

i decided from that point that i would enjoy the effects of testosterone, but dont necessarily want any surgeries done. i dont hate any part of my body, but it does feel strange, and i want to grow into it in a masculine way. my teenage female puberty never really felt 'real', and i was very estranged from my body. looking at myself, i still felt prepubescent in some sense. so a second puberty, one that i was actually ready for and chose, was appealing to me. for me hrt isnt about fixing anything i deem wrong with me, and is more about showing myself i can be me and feeling more at home within myself.

and as a progress report. since starting hrt (9 months ago) i really have found all the changes really joyful, and ive finally started feeling like i own my identity, body, and myself. i see myself as adorable and cute now. since the voice drop and hairiness i feel like an even happier 'girl' and more comfortable as myself. ultimately im really glad i didnt stay paralysed with my 'what-ifs', and im also glad i didnt lock myself into a conventional transition timeline (ie incl. surgeries) without pausing and taking the time to assess who i am what it really is i want out of this care. i think i made a really good call.

so yeah. i hope!!! my ramblings help at all. i do understand the struggle. hopefully me breaking down my process can be assuring or illuminating. i believe in you anon and i hope you work things out

#also ty for asking. i am glad people feel like they can come to me to hear my experiences and perspectives #this is so yay...#ask #i do know having multigendered parts doesnt necessarily make you nonbinary. 'multiplicity and me' had mostly male alters before she fused #but her context was different to mine... her primary self has always been female im pretty sure #i cant speak on her gender experience either. maybe she does consider herself multigendered but is still wholly comfortable with womanhood #people are so cool...#but yeah this is my experience and where i am now. and where i am now and being on hrt i am happy. yay :)#did tag #<- ik not strictly did related but dissociative identity confusion is a symptom under the umbrella

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olrastrologytarot · 10 months ago

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Scorpio 🦂

Scorpio, the eighth sign of the zodiac, is represented by the Scorpion and ruled by Pluto, the planet of transformation and power, with Mars as its traditional ruler. Those born between October 23 and November 21 are known for their intensity, depth, and determination. Scorpios are often regarded as the most mysterious and magnetic of all the zodiac signs. Here’s a detailed look at the Scorpio personality:

1. Intense and Passionate

Emotional Depth: Scorpios are known for their emotional intensity. They feel things deeply and are often guided by their emotions, which can be both their greatest strength and their biggest challenge. This intensity extends to all areas of their lives, from relationships to work to personal goals.

Passion for Life: Scorpios are passionate individuals who throw themselves fully into whatever they do. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, a career, or a personal interest, they pursue their passions with a single-minded focus and determination.

2. Determined and Ambitious

Relentless Drive: Once a Scorpio sets their sights on a goal, they are relentless in their pursuit. They have a strong willpower and determination that allows them to overcome obstacles and challenges that might deter others. This makes them highly ambitious and often successful in achieving their goals.

Strategic Thinkers: Scorpios are not just determined; they are also highly strategic. They are skilled at planning and often think several steps ahead, considering all possible outcomes before making a move. This makes them excellent at navigating complex situations and achieving long-term success.

3. Mysterious and Secretive

Private Individuals: Scorpios are naturally secretive and often keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves. They value their privacy and may be reluctant to open up to others, especially if they do not fully trust them. This can make them appear mysterious or enigmatic to those around them.

Guarded: Trust is a significant issue for Scorpios. They are careful about who they let into their inner circle and may take a long time to fully open up to someone. Once they trust someone, they are fiercely loyal, but if that trust is broken, they can become deeply hurt and may seek revenge.

4. Loyal and Protective

Fierce Loyalty: Scorpios are incredibly loyal to those they care about. They form deep, intense bonds with their loved ones and will go to great lengths to protect and support them. Their loyalty is unwavering, and they expect the same in return from those they trust.

Protective Nature: Scorpios have a strong protective instinct, especially when it comes to their loved ones. They are willing to defend those they care about and can be fiercely protective, sometimes to the point of being possessive.

5. Transformative and Resilient

Embracing Change: Scorpios are often associated with transformation and rebirth. They are not afraid of change and may even seek it out as a way to grow and evolve. This ability to embrace change makes them incredibly resilient, as they can adapt to new situations and emerge stronger from challenges.

Inner Strength: Scorpios possess an inner strength that allows them to face adversity with courage and determination. They are survivors who can overcome even the most difficult of circumstances, often emerging from their struggles with a renewed sense of purpose and direction.

6. Magnetic and Charismatic

Magnetic Personality: Scorpios have a natural magnetism that draws people to them. They exude a sense of mystery and allure that makes them fascinating to others. This magnetic quality often makes them stand out in a crowd and attracts people to their intensity and passion.

Charisma: Their charisma comes from their confidence and self-assuredness. Scorpios know who they are and what they want, and this certainty often inspires admiration and respect from those around them.

7. Complex and Contradictory

Layered Personality: Scorpios are complex individuals with many layers to their personality. They can be intense and passionate one moment, and calm and composed the next. This complexity can make them difficult to understand, as they often keep their true thoughts and feelings hidden beneath the surface.

Contradictions: Scorpios can be full of contradictions. They are both fiercely independent and deeply loyal, secretive and open, vengeful and forgiving. These contradictions are part of what makes Scorpios so intriguing and difficult to categorize.

8. Vengeful and Unforgiving

Holding Grudges: Scorpios have a long memory, and they do not easily forget wrongs done to them. If they feel betrayed or wronged, they can hold a grudge for a long time and may seek revenge. This vengeful side of their personality can make them formidable opponents.

Unforgiving: While Scorpios can be deeply loyal and loving, they can also be unforgiving if they feel that their trust has been betrayed. It can be difficult for them to let go of past hurts, and they may struggle to forgive those who have wronged them.

9. Resourceful and Independent

Self-Reliant: Scorpios are highly independent and prefer to rely on themselves rather than others. They are resourceful and capable of handling challenges on their own, often finding creative solutions to problems.

Strong-Willed: Their independence is matched by their strong will. Scorpios are not easily swayed by others and are determined to follow their own path, regardless of what others think or say.

In Summary

Scorpios are intense, passionate, and determined individuals with a magnetic presence and a complex personality. They are driven by deep emotions and a strong sense of purpose, often pursuing their goals with relentless focus and determination. While they can be secretive and guarded, they are fiercely loyal and protective of those they care about. Scorpios have a natural resilience and an ability to embrace change, making them powerful forces of transformation in their own lives and the lives of others. However, their intensity and vengeful nature can sometimes lead to challenges in relationships, as they may struggle to forgive and forget. Overall, Scorpios are enigmatic and powerful individuals who leave a lasting impression on those they encounter.

#mysticism #occultism #metaphysics #mystic #astro community #astro notes #astro observations #astro tumblr #astrology #scorpio #zodiac #chatgpt

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dinarosie · 10 months ago

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What are your thoughts on Lily? I think she recieves too much hate. I get that she’s a flawed character but the way people are discussing her is like she’s a complete bitch and has been thhrougout her friendship with Sev, which I don’t agree on.

Thank you for asking this question. I had written a long meta about the relationship and friendship between Severus and Lily, but it became so lengthy that I wasn’t sure how to post it. Now, I've separated the parts that focus more on Lily’s character and written them here.(Yes, it's still long but it's shareable now)

I enjoy Snily fanfics and absolutely love Lily’s characterization in them, but I have different feelings about canon Lily. I’m not anti-Lily, but I don't think she holds any significant moral superiority or special virtues compared to other characters in the books.

Most of what we know about Lily comes from when she was 15. Yes, it’s admirable that she sacrificed her life at 21 to save her child, but that doesn’t necessarily say much about her character. Many mothers of any age and from any part of the world would do the same for their children. We don’t know how much she matured or grew as a person. We don’t know if she was satisfied with the choices she made as a teenager or what her feelings toward Severus were in her final days. That’s why I base my judgments on 15-year-old Lily.

I see her as a warm, charming, and somewhat immature girl who, coincidentally, really enjoys positive attention (though not to the extent that James does).She tries to be kind to everyone to be liked, yet feels that other girls don’t really like her and are envious. Unlike her son, she doesn’t have a complex moral code, she tends to see the world in black and white like her sister Petunia. To her, you’re either on her side and therefore her friend, or you’re against her and her enemy. She’s the type of person who can easily attract people at first glance but struggles to form deeper, more meaningful connections with them.

I think part of the reason people dislike her is that they see her as more than what she is and have high expectations of her. Fanon often portrays Lily as a girl from a high-status, wealthy family, a feminist, strong, and independent woman, which makes people expect her to have been able to solve many of the issues she faced. However, in canon, she clearly doesn’t have any of these traits. We don’t even know if her family was rich or poor, but since she lived near Snape, it doesn’t seem like there was much of a class difference between their families.

Yes, canon Lily is lively, smart, and kind, and she gets good grades, but that’s different from being ambitious, powerful, or having feminist or progressive views.

Lily marries and has a child immediately after finishing school, before she truly reaches intellectual and emotional maturity. In canon, we don’t see her play a significant role in the war, undertake any special missions for the Order, or even hold a notable job or career before having Harry. She fits more into the traditional role of a wife and homemaker. I think if she had survived and the war ended, she would have lived a life very similar to Molly Weasley (though not with as many children). She’d be a loving wife and warm mother. Of course, she would likely spoil her child more than Molly does, letting him off the hook easily. Like Petunia, she would overlook her child’s mistakes unless it involved dark magic.

I understand that most people in the wizarding world marry young, but we have characters like Minerva McGonagall, who remains independent, even refusing to change her surname after marriage. In Fantastic Beasts, we see women who, despite the war, maintain their roles as strong, independent individuals whose identities aren’t solely tied to being someone’s wife or mother. So, Lily isn’t an exceptional character in this regard. She’s more like the average woman of her time. When we view her as a very average woman, rather than the amazing, powerful, modern figure seen in fanfics, her behavior becomes much easier to understand.

As for her marriage, I can imagine what was going through her mind: everything with James Potter was easier, simpler, and more stable because, from birth, everything was handed to him. He doesn’t need to work hard for happiness or a future, as his high social status and vast family wealth are guaranteed. He probably promised Lily a successful marriage and a sweet and happy family, perhaps even on their first date, filling her with hope for what was to come. It’s only natural that a teenage girl like Lily, who sees the world in black and white and has a fragile social standing in the wizarding world, would quickly decide that marrying someone like James Potter — who is at the pinnacle of her moral scale ( he doesn’t use dark magic) — was the best choice for her future. This pattern of marriage reminds me of Petunia. She marries her boss, who is also much older than her because he can give her the stable, normal life she dreams of, with a secure income.

Sometimes I think the way Lily chose James and how Snape chose Voldemort are similar. Both were teenagers who made these decisions to secure their place in the wizarding world and cover their insecurities. Lily is fortunate to have an easier life than Severus, and as a woman, she can rely on the support of a wealthy and pure blood man. Snape, on the other hand, didn’t have Lily’s privileges. He had to work hard to secure his place, offering his life and loyalty to Voldemort, who promises him acceptance, security, and protection in return.

I also disagree with the idea that Lily is responsible for all of Snape’s problems or that if she had stayed friends with Severus, he wouldn’t have joined Voldemort:

Snape’s life was far more complicated and difficult for Lily’s presence to magically fix everything. Rowling says Snape sought acceptance, security, and peace. Clearly, Lily couldn’t provide those things for him (after all, she was just 15). Snape needed a strong, father-figure type of support at that age. Teenage Snape, contrary to those who want to portray him as obsessed with Lily, had a proud and independent personality. He didn’t base his entire life around Lily’s presence or absence. Yes, he apologized for his mistake, but when Lily threatened to leave him, he didn’t make any effort to change his circumstances. That’s why I don’t believe the people who say Snape only switched sides because of an obsession with Lily. His love for her lit the path for him later in life, but it was Snape who gave that love the power to guide him and help him grow.

#lily potter #lily evans #anon #character study

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vxn3lla · 6 months ago

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Superiority complex in the law of assumption community

Disclaimer- everyone has their own opinions and experiences with loass (get that in your head right now)

Everyone is you pushed out- SOME of you hear this and decide “oh people don’t have free will and I control them” while in my opinion you can control how people interact with you and circumstances/sitiuations regarding other people you are also a person. So what makes you any different? You know about the law of assumption? It still works and exists for them just because you are aware of it doesn’t make you special. It’s like the people that say women don’t need to make their own choices regarding health.. some of you think people don’t need autonomy. You basically mold them to your liking like little minions and to me that’s selfish. Also if you know a person in real life instead of making assumptions what I like to do is actually communicate with them. You can manifest cool friendships, romantic events with your sp but don’t treat other humans as if they’re a lower life form than you just because you manifest consciously. Yes technically you can manifest anything but instead of controlling a person why not manifest a person that is how you want instead of not appreciating the connection you already have? Again this goes for the individual and the person you’re manifesting to change but if they are a good person then changing them solely for the sake of your enjoyment seems a bit immoral. How would you feel if someone thought that you had no free will and changed you because they didn’t actually like you? Tbh I personally plan on changing a tiny detail of 2 or 3 peoples personality just to make them more respectful to others but not fully altering them.

Law of attraction- I’ll admit that I’m guilty of this one. Many people in the law of assumption community seem to have a superiority complex as law of assumption puts you in charge and is very simple and to the point whereas law of attraction is more complicated and universe centered. But the universe is the inner world. They are in ways very similar.

Universe=Inner self

Vibration/Vibe=feeling/ knowing it is real

Show gratitude=living in the end/sabbath state/ state of the wish fulfilled

Again everyone is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs. Some Christian’s tell people who aren’t Christian very rude things and even do bad things to them. Don’t develop that mentality. Again knowing law of assumption doesn’t make you superior to anyone you can have a good self concept without being an ass.

Using methods- some people use methods to help them manifest and some people don’t. If you don’t good for you but you aren’t better than people that use methods because guess what you both manifested.

Use methods if you want or don’t same with challenges whatever you enjoy and works for you.

Honestly theres no need to research the law any more but being on tumblr isn’t gonna “make you waver or slow down your manifestations” if that happens it’s because you assumed it would or you were already accepting failure.

Success is always guaranteed unless you decide otherwise

People that work hard and believe it is necessary for success- I genuinely can’t stand these people they push the idea that hard work is necessary for success when really it’s not. It can be because they are assuming so but they don’t know that of course. If only they knew. It’s understandable to have a superiority complex over these types of people who are so limited but not everyone becomes aware of the law of assumption and you did so just be grateful of that you have that knowledge and ignore limiting beliefs of others. I pity these people but it’s not my place to tell them their beliefs are wrong and limited.

#law of assumption #manifesting #neville goddard #loassumption #void state #it girl #affirmations #manifestation #loassblog #youtube

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capitalism-and-analytics · 9 months ago

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I'm no fan of giant megacorporations any more than the average person is, but I reckon people blame them too much for the problems within our society and economy and most of said problems are actually caused by the government. Therefore, the government is the real problem. Corporations are far from perfect, and you can criticise them all you want when it's warranted, but they're not to blame for all our problems and they mostly just do business with each other. But I've seen people blame corporate greed for the inflation rate being so high, and to my knowledge, inflation is mainly caused by the GOVERNMENT printing excessive amounts of money all the time. So how are corpos responsible for the inflation issue, exactly? It must be just because leftists don't understand economics and they hate rich people so much for having more money than them. What are your thoughts on this, by the way?

Regardless of one's bias, inflation is typically measured by comparing price levels over time. Therefore, it is technically valid to claim that any increase in price levels contributes to inflation. This is the "truth" that many claims about inflation are based on.

However, like most things relying on partial truths, there lies a gray area, particularly regarding the question of greed or fairness. Let me illustrate this with three scenarios:

Corporations: They raise prices of goods because the materials needed for production have become more expensive.

Individuals: They demand higher wages because the goods they require are more expensive.

Government: They raise the prices of services because the cost of delivering those services has increased.

In all three scenarios, you see examples of cost-push inflation. Depending on your bias or interpretation, you might accuse any of these actors of "greed" if you believe their price increases exceed what is "fair," even though all three have the same fundamental justification for their price increases: higher input costs.

---------------------------------------------

Now with that explained, let me answer your question:

how are corpos responsible for the inflation issue, exactly? It must be just because leftists don't understand economics and they hate rich people so much for having more money than them. What are your thoughts on this, by the way?

Inflation is a complex issue, and opinions on it vary widely. On one end, some believe any profit increase is unjustifiable, while others argue there should be no limits on profit. Most people fall somewhere in between, which is why discussions about inflation can get divisive.

It's not just about a lack of understanding of economics; it's also about how people perceive fairness and profit. Many prefer straightforward arguments, even if they don't have all the evidence to support them. So, the division in opinions often reflects deeper beliefs about economics and fairness rather than simple ignorance.

Moreover, the concept of fairness is subjective and varies greatly among individuals. What seems fair to one person may feel exploitative to another. This disparity in views can lead to strong emotions and polarizing debates, making it challenging to find common ground on such a nuanced topic.

Finally, almost every discussion about inflation tends to operate on only a subset of the necessary evidence and information needed to draw conclusions. It’s no surprise that people remain divided on the issue.

P.S. My personal view is that the government has far more control over corporations than corporations have over the government, making it a primary culprit in inflation. However, to what extent, I cannot say. Hopefully you feel satisfied with my explanation above.

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supernaturalscribe67 · 1 year ago

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Unwarranted

Words: 4,983

POV: 3rd Person

Pairing: Team Free Will x Male!ExAngel!Reader [Platonic]

Warning(s): Mention of past sexual harassment, sexual harassment, angst, hurt/comfort

Summary: Humans are interesting and complex creatures, and ever since the reader lost his grace, he had to learn to become one. Luckily, he had his friends by his side to help him through his trials and tribulations. What happens when he's face-to-face with a human experience he never anticipated, and how will Team Free Will help him resolve his issue?

Request:

Hi! I hope you're having a good day/night. This request is very specific. I would write it myself, but im awful at it. I hope you don't mind, lol.

May you do (ex?)Angel!Male!reader x TFW (platonic obv). You can make it where Reader joined after the angels fell and was castiels past battle partner and was good friends with him, or something else if you'd like.

Reader lost his grace after a rogue angel took it from him. He has no idea how to be human and struggles a lot, even with the help of Dean, Sam, and Castiel. Anyways, to get to the point- Reader picked a pretty attractive vessel, so both men and women hit on him a lot when the group goes to diners or bars and most of the time Reader wanders off to explore since hes never really gone to earth before so the boys never notice, and he doesn't know how to react or what to do when they start to get touchy, only that he doesn't feel comfortable with it at all, but he thinks if he tells them to stop its a form of being rude, so he never says so. the person usually stops when they realize Reader isn't having the type of reaction they were looking for.

When Reader mentioned this to the boys randomly, they realized that Reader didn't know that it was bad that they were touching him and explained what it was, what to say, and do when that happens and comforts him when he finally cries as a human.

Anonymous

A/N: I am so sorry for going off the grid for a while! Honestly, keeping track of dates and time frames has not been my strong point, especially with everything going on with work. Luckily I'm almost done with another request as well and will have that up by this weekend! I hope this gives the request justice. As always, feedback is very much appreciated!

~ Much Love!

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Humans are interesting and complex creatures, each with their own thoughts, wants, needs, and interests. When (Y/N) first joined Castiel on Earth two years prior, he was amazed by the array of personalities and emotions. No two people are alike, but, due to the vast differences, many of them can be categorized under three distinct titles; good, neutral, and evil.

The good people are the ones who are selfless. They take the first step when it comes to helping others. They aren’t perfect but they are as close as anyone can be. Only a small amount of people fit into the category of ‘good’, most of which find themselves canonized into sainthood years after death. Many strive to be classified under such a prestige title, but few make the cut. However, just because someone isn’t worthy of the title, doesn’t make them a bad person automatically.

Neutral individuals are what most would describe as your ‘average Joe’. It is the category in which most people lie. They are neither good nor bad. The choices they make in life come with a mix of positive and negative intentions. An example of a neutral person could be someone’s English teacher, who partakes in volunteer work after hours, or your boss, who had just been caught cheating on his wife with Jim from the mailroom. Just because people do bad things, doesn’t make them inherently evil.

True evil is much darker. An individual who would put a demon to shame with their actions, thoughts, and desires. One with little regard for the well-being of others. Ones that hurt others purely for self-gratification. To gain an advantage. Those are the ones that end up in prison or a seat in Congress. They’re usually manipulative, have a silver tongue placed in their mouth at birth, and can easily coerce those who are weak and gullible.

(Y/N) had met his fair share of individuals from all three categories throughout his time on Earth, supernatural entities excluded. At first, with his angelic powers, he was able to make an assumption of others based solely on their thoughts. Ever since the fall, however, his judgments on people had become rather askew. He was able to get the full experience of being human - not able to truly tell what one was thinking during various interactions - and he would be lying if he said he enjoyed it. Rather, the lack of understanding when it came to others caused him to develop a sense of paranoia. The last thing he wanted was for others to assume the worst of him. Even as an angel, he would treat the worst of the worst with as much kindness as he could muster.

Little did he know that the paranoia would lead to his downfall and a deep realization of how evil some people could be.

The first couple of weeks after his grace was stolen, (Y/N) was lost. He knew next to nothing about maintaining the necessary needs to keep his body alive. It was all tedious in his eyes. Why did humans need to eat, drink, and go to the bathroom so much throughout the day? Who possibly had the time to do so? Do they have to thread their needs into their schedules for work and school? On top of that, why did humans need to pay for food and water? Were they not necessities? Why would someone need to pay to survive? (Y/N) held a plethora of questions in his mind that still go unanswered.

Thankfully, Castiel, Sam, and Dean were all there for him, guiding him through the processes necessary to provide for his new form. It took a while for him to get the hang of it - the most overwhelming thing was when he was introduced to a large variety of foods. All the new flavors and textures send his tongue into sensory overdrive. Dean was more than happy to realize, though, that the two of them were rather fond of the same flavor of pie.

With the loss of his grace came the depletion of his strength. He was no longer invincible to man-made weaponry. Because of this, and since Sam and Dean’s jobs were so physically demanding, they spent weeks in training. Blades, firearms, and hand-to-hand all had their challenges, but (Y/N) was a quick learner, something the brothers respected him highly for. Within a month and a half, he was on the road with them, hopping from case to case.

Saving people, hunting things, the family business.

And true it was. The time he had spent with Castiel and the Winchesters was extensive, and there was never a dull moment. Away from the darkness and the monsters that crept in the night, Sam and Dean were playful jokesters. Childish, yet mature when they needed to be. It was noticeable that Castiel had also developed certain aspects of their personalities, as he was more lighthearted than when (Y/N) first met him. As time passed, (Y/N), too, started to display those characteristics. He felt like a member of the team. A real Winchester. For the first time since the fall, he felt at home.

*~*

(Y/N) had been to a handful of bars since he turned human, before becoming an honorary member of the Winchester family, and there was one fact he could confidently state; he didn’t like them.

Sure, he met some rather nice people while at said bars, mainly the middle-aged female bartenders who gave off a motherly aura, but with every kind individual he saw, he encountered twice as many assholes. Those were the ones that drunkenly called him slurs even though they knew nothing about him, the ones that shoved him out of the way when they wanted to get to the bar, or the ones that continuously pushed their limits on his personal boundaries.

Unfortunately, he had experienced the latter more than he would have liked.

He couldn’t quite describe how he felt when he had those interactions. When a bar patron would press themselves against his back or chest, touch his ass or thighs, or even leave kisses on his neck, shoulders, cheeks, and lips. It was decided, though, that he was extremely uncomfortable. Why would he possibly feel that way? He assumed that touches and kisses were how humans expressed affection towards one another. So, why didn’t he like it? He chalked it up to not being used to that form of affection or affection in general. Surely, he was bound to get comfortable with it eventually.

After-hunt celebrations were common with the Winchesters. Either the day of or the night after, they would all gather at the nearest watering hole, grab a drink or two, and then head back to the motel. Sometimes, Sam or Dean would abandon the group to retreat with a romantic partner, but (Y/N) would always stick with Castiel and the remaining brother. He never had any interest in human relations. It was a new, complex situation outside of learning to be human. He was just getting used to that concept, and he had no desire to learn about other aspects of humanity yet.

Classy Cline’s sat on the edge of a small town in Washington state. While its name suggested an upscale establishment, the place was, in all actuality, a shit hole. The booths and barstools were ripped at every corner of the seam, the tables were chipped and scuffed, and it appeared as if the employees hadn’t swept or mopped the floor in well over a decade. They had all been to nasty bars in the past, but Classy Cline’s took the cake.

“I don’t even wanna drink from this glass,” Sam mumbled as he eyed the pint glass Dean had placed in front of him.

While aesthetics weren’t on Cline’s side, the beer looked more than appetizing. An amber/gold liquid, topped with a beautiful, white head. Any beer enthusiast would foam at the mouth at the sight. The glasses, contrary to the floors, looked spotless. If they had put as much effort into cleaning the building as they did disinfecting the glassware, lines would be out the door, and Cline would be a millionaire.

“Oh, don’t be a baby, Sammy,” Dean rolled his eyes and gave a beer to (Y/N) and Castiel. “It may not live up to its name, but the beer sure looks good.”

“Thank you, Dean,” (Y/N) and Castiel spoke in unison.

“I’ll never get used to that,” Dean shook his head and sat down next to his brother. “It’s as if you two are constantly in sync.”

(Y/N) furrowed his brows as he cupped the glass with one hand, condensation coating his palm. “We’re an American boy band from the 90’s?” He cocked his head to the side.

Dean froze, the glass inches from his lips as he shot him a questioning glance. “While I’m proud of you for remembering what I taught you about music, that’s not what I meant. ‘In sync’. Two separate words.”

“Oh…”

“(Y/N) and I have worked together for well over a century. We’re bound to have some similarities.” Castiel explained.

Dean shrugged. “I guess you’re right,” he took a sip of his beer.

(Y/N) noted Sam’s hesitancy to drink, so he took a moment to examine the liquid himself. It looked clean, safe, and better than many other beers he had drank before. He took a swig and was pleasantly surprised to find that it was still very cold. A layer of foam coated his upper lip. Sam picked up his glass and examined the bottom.

“Will you stop that?” Dean scolded. “The beer is fine, Sam, you’re not going to die. You look like an idiot.”

“Well, excuse me for being skeptical, Dean! Have you seen the state of this place? I believe I have a right to be concerned.” Sam hissed.

“The beer is very pleasant, Sam,” (Y/N) smiled as he took another long swig, downing half the pint.

Sam slowly nodded. “I can tell,” he mumbled and glanced down at his glass. He hesitated for a moment before he took a careful sip, letting the liquid rest against his tastebuds before he swallowed. He hummed and raised his brows. “Wow, that’s pretty good.”

“See? Your big brother knows a thing or two about beer,” Dean smiled.

A bartender waltzed into view - an overworked twenty-something with her dirty blonde hair tossed back into a bun that she should have fixed hours ago. She sat a rocks glass in front of (Y/N), the ice emanating a clink inside as it shifted. He stared and intensely studied the dark liquid.

“I’m sorry, ma’am, but I didn’t order this,” he looked up at her.

The bartender sighed and gestured towards the bar. “The man over there sent it,” she grumbled, her voice unenthusiastic and laced with exhaustion. She didn’t give him any time to further investigate before she swiveled through the booths and tables, vanishing into the crowd of regulars.

The group looked at the drink with curiosity before their attention shifted to the bar. Only one of the patrons had their gaze glued to the hunters. He looked to be in his mid-forties, with short, salt-and-pepper hair decorating the top of his head and a beard to match. Age lines crinkled the corners of his mouth and eyes. A leather jacket covered his broad shoulders and the jeans he wore left little to the imagination. When (Y/N)’s eyes connected with the stranger’s, the man smirked and winked. (Y/N) continued to stare at him, lips slightly parted, until he felt an elbow in his side. His gaze shot over to the eldest Winchester.

“Give him a smile and a wave. That shows him you appreciate it.” Dean said through a smile.

“Oh,” (Y/N) raised his brows and looked back at the man, whose eyes were still on him. He gave a small smile, followed by a timid wave.

The stranger grinned before he turned his head away. (Y/N) looked down and studied the glass once more. The liquid was a slightly darker shade than the beer, but more transparent. When he picked it up, the liquid sloshed inside. The smell was strong but slightly sweet. Whiskey. A sip of it caused him to cringe. It was Fireball. Not the best choice to send a stranger across the bar, but to each their own.

Dean leaned in close to him, his cheeky grin still prominent. “You should go over and talk to him.”

“Why?”

“He just gave you a drink. He wants to talk to you.”

(Y/N) gave Dean a confused stare. “How does that-”

“It doesn’t matter.” Dean waved him off. “He’s flirting with you by sending over the drink! You should go flirt back.”

(Y/N) looked from the drink to Dean, from Dean to the stranger. He was a very attractive man, but (Y/N) was far from interested in flirtation. However, if Dean thought he should, what could go wrong? He trusted Dean’s advice.

Hesitantly, (Y/N) stood, the glass of Fireball in hand, and made his way over to the bar where the gentleman sat. He took the empty barstool next to him. The man looked at him out of the corner of his eye and smirked.

“Good to see you up close,” he said and turned his body to face (Y/N). “You’re even cuter than I thought. Chris,” he held out his hand.

This is a handshake. This is how strangers greet each other.

(Y/n) grasped Chris’ hand and shook it gently. He noticed how firm his grip was. “My name is (Y/N),” he said.

Chris smirked. “A beautiful name for a beautiful man,” he pulled his hand away and casually placed it on (Y/N)’s knee. “I’ve been coming here for, close to, fifteen years, and I have never seen anyone as good-looking as yourself. You new around here?”

(Y/N)’s eyes shifted to Chris’ hand before they returned to his face. “My friends and I are on a trip.” He replied. It’s a classic lie most hunters use and one that was taught to him early on in his training.

“Ah, and how long will you be staying?”

“I believe this is the last night we’re here.”

“You’re not sure?”

“My friend, Dean, drives us. He knows more about our itinerary than I do.”

“A ‘go with the flow’ kind of man. I like it.”

As they continued to talk, Chris’ hand ventured further up (Y/N)’s thigh, squeezing the flesh on his leg from time to time. Simple conversation switched to flirting rather quickly, the majority of it one-sided. What started as cheesy ‘first date’ type questions turned risque in the blink of an eye. At first, they were easy questions that (Y/N) could answer without an issue, but once they started to get dirty, his mind turned blank. Half the vocabulary Chris used was new to him. While he knew all of them revolved around sex, he couldn’t quite pinpoint the definition, regardless of the context clues provided.

He could feel the familiar pit in his stomach as the questions droned on. The sensation that he couldn’t quite give a title to yet. At least, not an accurate one. ‘Uncomfortable’ seemed as if it fit too loosely for the circumstance. It felt as if there were a swarm of bees buzzing around in his stomach, moving from his gut to his chest periodically.

Chris leaned in close to (Y/N)’s ear, his warm, whiskey-filled breath caressing his cheek. (Y/N)’s eyes were cast down. He had lost the ability to maintain constant eye contact when the mood shifted, and the bees began their attack.

“What do you say we get out of here?” Chris asked. “I could show you a thing or two.”

When Chris’s hand landed on (Y/N)’s crotch, every muscle in his body was on fire as they clenched tightly. (Y/N)’s eyes went wide and his body froze. The bees didn’t just fly, they infiltrated his entire nervous system. He felt an overwhelming need to retreat like one would in a battle they knew they couldn’t win. But he wasn’t in a battle. It was a simple conversation. Why did he feel like that?

Chris pressed small kisses on the back of (Y/N)’s ear. (Y/N) inhaled and turned his head slightly, the need to get away from Chris strong. Chris immediately stopped and opened his eyes. He paused for a moment before he pulled away and sighed.

“I see you’re not as interested as I thought you were,” he gave a tight smile, pulled out his wallet, and slammed a twenty on the bar. “Thanks for nothing.” He grumbled before he got up and stormed away.

With his presence gone, (Y/N) felt a sense of peace and ease wash over him. The beating of his heart inside his chest began to lessen and return to a normal pace. With a glance down at his hand, he noticed the way his fingertips trembled. That hadn’t been the first time someone else had gotten so bold with touching him, and he was certain it wouldn’t be the last. When was that feeling going to go away?

After a minute or so passed, he was able to compose himself enough to stand from the barstool and wander back to the table where Sam, Dean, and Castiel sat. He joined them without a word, not wanting to interrupt their conversation, and grabbed his lukewarm beer. There was no chance he was going to drink anymore that night. Not with his stomach as uneasy as it was.

“Hey, you okay?” Sam asked.

“I’m fine,” (Y/N) spoke.

“You sure?” Dean chimed in. “Guy looked like he had a stick up his ass when he left.

(Y/N) shrugged. “I believe he just wanted to leave.” He tried to keep his voice as straight as possible. He could tell his nerves hadn’t fully recovered.

Dean shook his head. “Well, his loss.”

*~*

One thing (Y/N) adored about being human was the way showers made him feel after a hunt. He never quite realized how tense his muscles could get until the hot water caressed his limbs. It was as if all the adrenaline was washed from his body. It made him feel refreshed. Renewed.

That night, he got the last shower. The water wasn’t as hot as other showers he had taken, but he would accept warm any day. By the time he left the bathroom, clad in a pair of night pants and a loose t-shirt courtesy of the youngest Winchester, Sam, Dean, and Castiel were dressed to leave. Another post-hunt celebration. Dean glanced at (Y/N).

“You’re not coming?” He asked.

(Y/N) shook his head and walked over to his bed. “Not tonight, no.”

“Why not? You never miss out on a bar.”

(Y/N) settled into the bed, and sat up with his legs crossed. “I notice that humans get very physical when they are at bars. I’m not quite used to it yet, so I think I’m going to wait until I’m ready.”

“Ready for what, (Y/N)?” Castiel asked.

“The touching.”

The three of them shared a concerned look before Sam waved his hand dramatically, eyes closed tightly.

“Wait,” he reached a hand up and pinched the bridge of his nose. “What do you mean ‘get used to’?”

“Well, I’m not accustomed to the way humans express attraction. I surely wasn’t aware that there was as much physical contact involved. So, I figured it was something I would be more comfortable with as time went on. I mean, I never knew strangers were so interested in touching each other’s genitalia.”

They all furrowed their brows, confusion etched perfectly on their faces, and slowly made their way over to the bed. Sam sat at the edge next to (Y/N), Dean stood next to him, and Castiel sat on the opposite side of the bed from Sam.

“(Y/N),” Sam started, his voice soft and steady, the same voice he used when talking to the families of victims. “Have you…given these people permission to touch you?”

(Y/N) cocked his head to the side, slightly taken aback by the question, as it was something he had never even considered before. Had he permitted them to touch him? He could not recall. Then again, he didn’t remember them asking. He took a moment to think back on the times he had been in bars since he became human.

“No,” he answered. “The first couple of times it happened, I pulled away from the touch, as it made me rather uncomfortable, but they would just get upset. One man told me it was wrong to ‘lead him on’ and then deny his touch. After that, I let people touch me. I would like a break from it for tonight.”

“(Y/N), other humans need permission to touch you,” Castiel said.

“But they get upset-”

“To Hell with them being upset,” Dean interjected. “No one has a right to touch you, especially if you don’t want them to.”

“Is that why that one guy left the last bar we went to left? You wouldn’t let him touch you?” Sam asked.

(Y/N) could feel his cheeks and neck heat up. He suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to hide his face. Was it because of the answer to the question? Was it because of the question itself? He couldn’t quite pinpoint the origin of the sense of dread, but he knew it wasn’t going to vanish anytime soon.

He shook his head, eyes cast down to his hands. “I let him touch me. I assume it was because I didn’t respond when he asked me to leave with him.”

Dean’s jaw clenched as he ran a hand down his face. “Son of a bitch,” he growled and began to lightly pace between the motel beds.

Sam slowly shook his head. “(Y/N), those people are horrible. You should never touch someone without consent, and you should never let anyone touch you if you are uncomfortable with it. Do you understand?” His eyes were laced with sympathy.

(Y/N) went to say something, but he felt a lump in his throat prevent him from doing so. Instead, he just gave a short, brief nod.

“I can only imagine how tough it was to become human. To lose all that power. You may not have the power to heal us anymore or read others’ minds, but you are still your own person, (Y/N). You have the power to tell people to keep their hands off of you. You have the power to let yourself have a good time at these places. It doesn’t matter what other people think about your choices. In the end, all that matters is you, okay?”

“Okay,” he replied, his voice shaky and barely above a whisper.

(Y/N) sniffled, and he felt as if his head was pulsing. Tears sprung to the corner of his eyes and cascaded down his cheeks. For the first time since he lost his grace, he cried. It wasn’t loud and dramatic, but, rather, soft.

It explained so much. How he hated the way bar patrons touched him, the sinking feeling when they got too close, the panic that coursed through his veins. That was no flaw on his part, but a flaw on the strangers. What they did was wrong, not him.

And that validation broke him.

(Y/N) immediately knew he hated crying. His chest ached as the silent sobs racked his body. In a way, it was relieving, though. It felt as if all of the pent-up discomfort was being released. As if he was reborn. Still, it hurt worse than it did comfort him.

Castiel was the first to respond as he placed a gentle hand against (Y/N)’s back, Sam, being the closest, engulfed him in a near bone-shattering embrace, and Dean halted his paces to kneel beside the bed, one of his hands landing on the small of his back. (Y/N) closed his eyes tight and leaned his head against Sam’s chest. Their touch made him feel safe. This was a good touch. This was how touch should make him feel. He shouldn’t be forced to feel uncomfortable to please others, because, in reality, some people aren’t going to like him, even if the reasons are far from valid. It was a harsh reality, but as long as he had his family by his side, he didn’t mind if the whole world hated him.

After a few quiet minutes, filled with silent cries, the tears stopped. (Y/N)’s eyes were bright red and puffy, and he occasionally sniffled.

“Hey,” Dean said, his voice soothing.

(Y/N) lifted his head from Sam’s chest and glanced over at him. Sam pulled back a bit so the embrace wasn’t nearly as intense.

“If you’re ever in a situation like that, where some douchebag won’t keep his hands off of you, all you have to do is say the word and we’ll kick his ass for you.”

“What if it’s a woman?” He asked quietly.

Dean opened his mouth to give a quick answer but shut it as he thought about it. “Then we will have Cas bring Jody or Charlie in to kick her ass. The point is; fuck everyone else.”

(Y/N) furrowed his brows. “Does that not mean to have intercourse with them?”

Dean sighed. “Sam, Cas, a little help?”

“What Dean is trying to say,” Castiel chimed in. “Is that you should not prioritize other peoples’ desires over your comfort. You are more important than a stranger. They are not important, you are, and what other people think doesn’t matter. If someone does not listen to you when you deny them, we will do everything in our power to protect you. We still care about you, and want what’s best for you.”

Dean pressed his lips together and nodded. “Couldn’t have said it better myself. That’s exactly what I meant.”

Sam rolled his eyes, but couldn’t hold back his smirk. “Look, we know how tough it is to be human. Dean and I have been dealing with this our whole lives. We know that there are setbacks that come with the package, but there are also a ton of fun experiences. We don’t want some jackass to ruin it for you. Cas said it better than Dean or I could. We care about you and want to do everything we can to look out for you. You deserve it.”

The tears reappeared, but they weren’t tears of sadness. They were tears of joy. Of relief. As if his heart would burst with all the love and care his friends will it with. (Y/N) took a moment to wrap his arms around each of them in an individual hug to show his appreciation.

“Thank you. I am very grateful to have friends like you.” He smiled warmly.

Dean smiled before he cleared his throat and waved him off. “Alright, enough of the chick-flick crap,” he said as he stood from his spot on the floor, a groan escaping his throat that he tried not to make too noticeable. “What do you say we skip the bar tonight, order some takeout, and watch a movie? I hear Roadhouse is on at seven.”

(Y/N) cocked his head to the side. “What’s Roadhouse?”

Dean froze, wide-eyed. His jaw dropped in shock. “‘What’s Roadhouse’?” He repeated in disbelief. “Action movie? Patrick Swayze? Sam Elliott? Kelly Lumch? Julie Michaels? Keith David!?” With each name, his voice got louder.

“Are those actors?”

“I-” Dean threw his hands up as he turned his back on him and began to pace around the room once more.

(Y/N) flashed a worried look at Castiel, then Sam. Sam shook his head and chuckled.

“Dean’s just being dramatic,” he whispered, which caused (Y/N) to let out a sigh of relief.

“I am not being dramatic!” Dean retorted before he stopped, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. “This is all my fault. I was so focused on teaching him about good music that movies never crossed my mind. Have you at least seen Indiana Jones?”

“Indiana…as in the state?”

“If it makes you feel any better, (Y/N), I, too, have yet to see Roadhouse or Indiana Jones,” Castiel said.

Dean deadpanned. “I have some work to do. Sam, go get us some food. I need to make a list of movies for them to watch.”

Sam snorted as he stood from his spot on the bed. “Yeah, yeah. Just text me what you guys want.” He mumbled and retrieved his jacket from the back of one of the chairs.

As Sam left to get them food, Dean began to ramble on about movies he determined (Y/N) and Castiel had to watch, most of which were either action or old westerns. He talked with such passion regarding the films that (Y/N) couldn’t help but smile. Dean was right, the opinions of others didn’t matter, especially those whose only goal was to satisfy their selfish desires, disregarding others’ wellbeing. They were foolish, scum, true lions in sheep’s clothing. Those hidden evil beings could make themselves look innocent. (Y/N) didn’t need to please them. Didn’t need to make them happy. He only wanted to make his family happy, just as they did him. For how much they’ve helped him on his treacherous journey into manhood, they deserve it, for they have taught him the most valuable lesson of all;

His worth was priceless.

…

“Hey, are you even listening?”

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