#regret for past relationships

[fanfictiondramione]

The weight of remorse

In the dim light of the Great Hall of Hogwarts, Draco Malfoy discreetly watched his old schoolmates gathered for the special occasion. Her eyes scanned familiar faces until they finally found Hermione Granger. Countless days had passed among us.

She was chatting with other alumni, her smile lighting up the room. The same luminosity that had attracted him so many years ago, when he secretly admired her in the halls of Hogwarts.

Draco's heart clenched as he realized how beautiful she still was, and as charming as she had ever been. Her brown hair, now a little longer and with fewer curls, fell smoothly in perfect waves over her shoulders. The red dress she wore enhanced her bright eyes in a way that made them look lighter.

A wave of resignation washed over him. It was no longer his right to admire her like that. They had divorced, their lives taking opposite turns. But he still began to reflect bitterly on how, at that time, he had not valued what they had together enough. Youth and pride had clouded his vision, until it became too late to recognize how much Hermione meant to him.

As he watched from afar, Draco felt a mix of conflicting emotions, as he silently acknowledged that even if they can't meet again, even if everything changes, his heart won't forget that smile, it remains the same. Hermione continued to be a beacon in his life, even if she now shone in another direction. And he stood on the sidelines, his heart closed, living like a fool with all memories locked in his heart, standing there watching her as a distant spectator of his own lost love story.

Image direct: Lepra in Twitter X (Follow, it's every masterpiece)

[usefulquotes7]

Suddenly she realized that what she was regretting was not the lost past but the lost future, not what had not been but what would never be. F. Scott Fitzgerald, A Nice Quiet Place

[wolfyoucanttame]

A girl is never really grocery shopping, btw. She is grocery shopping and running away from the horrors. She is grocery shopping and trying to find her childhood whimsy somewhere between the aisles. She is grocery shopping and feeling an amount of grief that is insurmountable. But she is never just grocery shopping.

- stuckinapril

[nobodymitskigabriel]

Was thinking how rare non-sexual intimacy must be in Gabriel's life. He watches Netflix wrapped in a blanket with Sam and it reminds him of the times he sat with Loki in front of a campfire. Lying in bed and talking to Sam makes him think of Kali. Being real and being vulnerable means living with ghosts from past lifetimes.

[myreia]

— v. raison d'être

It was never going to last. They knew it from the beginning, all of them. Their time in the First was temporary, fleeting. For some, that would have been enough to give pause, to keep distance. For them, it made these moments all the more precious—even when it was difficult, even when it was unfair. Ryne knows they are both proud of her. That will never change, even when they live in separate worlds. It is a bittersweet thing to say goodbye, to close one chapter and begin the next. But change is necessary, a fundamental aspect of life. There is no sense in clinging to the past when the future—with all its countless possibilities—lies ahead. There is no looking back. Only forwards.

[oneluckydragon]

got hit with the echo+sora brainrot so i am once more rambling in your askbox about it. because reasons.

anywho i think there is something truly saddening about echo's struggles to make peace within herself and how she truly finds it hard to find that peace when she is so certain that if the truth about her origins were to be revealed to the world, much less to *sora*, everything she achieved, everything she worked for, all of which matters to her most, will crumble away in a moment's notice.

but the fear of losing all your life's work is none compared to the fear of losing sora. the feeling of poison that settled itself within themselves and between each other out of fear and tragedy of what had happened to them is familiar. echo's resemblance to dusknoir was already enough to set the two off because of how much it had all hurt to see someone you love and yourself turn into a mockery and a splitting image of someone who had pretended to care yet showed he never did at all, but this poison is louder. it hurts to bare, to carry, and to have none but yourself to be its sole holder.

but this poison, this feeling of heartache is different. because whereas the previous pain was something both of them felt, sora was lucky enough to not have known the truth about the person who she cares for so dearly.

echo knows that she used to be darkrai. and it haunts her to have known that her previous incarnation was so *cruel*, all for the sake of it just feeling right. wishing to engulf an entire world in darkness, solely for whatever desire she used to have.

and for how much she knows, how much she will hammer it into her own head that she is *not* like that anymore, that she looks at her past with sneer and disgust and that she will not be the barer of evil anymore, it will not matter in the slightest when she will have to look at sora if she were to ever find out.

how afraid, angry and dejected she would look when finding out, and how she will go on the defense/offense because of how much this will overwhelm her.

because when echo looks at her own shadow, she sees herself for what she is. she knows what she is, be it out of shame or guilt.

but when sora will look at it, she will see a tall, contorting and menacing shadow, towering over with a bright cyan eye doing nothing but looking at her, as if tempting her to make the next move.

and she defends herself. from someone she knows will not harm her. she raises her arms up in self defense from a hand that would never hurt her more than the world has already did.

she knows echo will not hurt her. and thats why she is afraid.

Oh my oh my OH MY, Sinnoh!!! YES YES YES!

HOW!!! IN THE WORLD!!! Are you so good at crawling into my head and creating these vivid analysis/snippets on my OCs??? I've barely shared ANY information about Echo and Sora because I've been wanting to hoard most of my stuff for when my fic is finally finished... but... I think you've broken my resolve a bit, if I'm entirely honest.

You know what? I'm so inspired by your accuracy and eagerness to talk about my girls that I'm gonna forgo my crippling anxiety regarding my writing skills and instead post a snippet of my WIP fic here as a treat for you. A teaser, if you will. Since I have no idea when the fic in question will actually be done and ready (or when I will be satisfied with it, cause the thing is currently 36,000 words and still slowly climbing). And now you've got me eager to share SOMETHING of my fic with you and anyone that might want to take a peek at it.

Please enjoy this conversation between Dusknoir and Echo. The topic deals a lot with what you'd described up above!! c:

[Note: this is an unedited part of my fic because I am still in the process of writing and it may change in the future, so please be gentle w/ me but I'd love to read any thoughts/comments that pop up while reading!! pls send asks or replies or anything really cause I love you guys]

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++

“I’m going to tell you something now, and you are going to listen.” Echo commands with a sharp bite in her voice that Dusknoir cannot fathom ignoring. He pauses and then offers a slow nod, waiting, wondering what she could possibly desire to tell him at a time like this, of all things.

Minutes pass as Echo remains rooted in place, still as her own shadow, and her eyes dart around as she stares at the patches of dry grass and sand beneath her paws. Her claws clench and unclench, digging into the earth like daggers as the wind of the forest (it’s trees so close, just behind them, a looming sort of presence that could engulf them whole) whistles through the surrounding branches, carrying stray leaves of many bright greens through the chilling breeze. Dusknoir watches them dance around Echo, twirling, floating down, down, down… but it’s quiet, too quiet, and Dusknoir feels a shiver pass through him when Echo’s voice finally rings out through the silence.

"When I evolved, Sora was petrified," She says, nearly a whisper, an admission that melts away her confidence and appears to bring her a flood of both shame and regret. Her face twists up then, strangely, like she’d felt a twinge of pain from somewhere deep inside the very fabric of her own soul and was unable to quell it. "She couldn’t even bring herself to look at me most days. At first, my appearance… well, it reminded her too much of you. And eventually of someone I used to be.”

Someone I used to be. At that, Dusknoir’s immediate reaction is to recall Echo’s previous life as a human, as the miserable shell of a creature surviving alongside Grovyle that he’d relentlessly hunted in the dark future. A human made of contempt and anger and apathy, who never smiled or laughed or cried or screamed like the old legends said humans would-- an entity that simply existed rather than lived. An echo of a life long dead and buried. But, judging by her tone, by her voice, by some uneasy intuition itching in the back of his mind like a swarm of pestilent Ninjask… he knows that she means something else entirely. Something that she isn’t willing to share. And frankly, that concept utterly terrifies him.

Someone I used to be. Dusknoir wants to speak, to break his own silence, wants to ask the myriad of questions bubbling up in his throat because this isn't the first time she's hinted at another life beyond being human, but those questions die at the source like a flame doused in water. And always the coward, coward, coward, instead he takes the easy way out by doing nothing at all. Whether Echo notices his surge of inner conflict or not-- the nervous wring of his hands and the tremble in his spine that he cannot control under her gaze-- she does not react.

“I’d take a step and Sora would flinch away.” Echo confesses, her markings flickering with light before going dark and dead, as if her body wished to snuff them out entirely, a deep seated rejection, a self-loathing so strong that Dusknoir cannot help but recognize it and empathize, and his heart aches, “It took ages for her to stop shaking when I’d speak. To stop looking at me like-- like I was going to…” 

Echo grimaces like she’s enduring waves of grueling torture and doesn’t finish that string of thought, but it’s not hard to make an educated guess on what went unsaid. Like I was going to betray her. Hurt her. Break her heart. She’s been through so much already and I couldn’t bear to be another influence in the history of her suffering. I hate myself because of how I made her feel. When her eyes went wide in fear and through them I could see myself staring back like some sort of burden, some sort of curse.

“I am not my past.” Proud and true, Echo straightens up and holds her head high, a spark igniting in her eyes, a glint of determination, a will to keep going and going despite such circumstances and strife, despite this horrid, unspeakable past that haunts her so, “And I am definitely not you. It’s taken a while, but I know that much now. I’ve accepted it.”

I am not my past. And I am definitely not you.

A sigh, a breath, and Echo glances at him with a certain sorrow that cannot be described, a sorrow that lingers even through the veil of her tenacity, "But no matter how I feel, no matter my conviction, my shadows still find ways through the cracks. Every time I think I'm getting a grip and that I might finally understand myself… I change all over again." She admits, sounding more angry and tired than defeated now-- like a mirror of her old self, her human self that had clawed and damned and cursed him, despised him more than anything. "I hate it. I hate that I never truly know who I am. That I have to learn about my past through stories others tell me, or through fragments of twisted, broken memories that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Through conflict and pain and… and..."

"Echo," Dusknoir murmurs her name softly, an offering, a potential escape if only she would wish to drop the subject and forget this conversation had ever happened-- if she'd overstepped and needed an excuse to back out, a diversion, an understanding. And briefly, Dusknoir wonders why she is opening up about this particular information, why she would delve into something so vulnerable, so personal. Why she would bring up this hurtful history when it obviously brings her great discomfort.

And then, he gets an answer.

“You’re lucky, Dusknoir." There it is, that wildfire burning in her eyes again. A spark that’s new and bold and startling. But lucky? No, never. He'd have to disagree, accounting the mountain of evidence that was his life and regrettable deeds.

"You already know exactly who you are and what you’ve done, and most importantly why. You have more than a tattered picture of yourself that reflects broken answers. And you can change with that knowledge. I see you trying.” She tells him, searching, looking for something so deeply and Dusknoir wishes he knew what it could be so that he could give it to her, because he would, he would gladly give it to her without a second thought if it meant they could be close again. But he isn’t a fool, and he’s wise enough to know they’ll never be like they were before. “And if somehow I could change, even as half-assed as I have. Well, then what’s your excuse?”

You can do it, say her unspoken words, I believe in you.

[ctrl-alt-deleting-yr-face]

okay everyone talks about Romance Is Boring being the aromantic anthem and like. i as an aroace person agree of course, romance is in fact boring, but also

can we PLEASE talk about this part in We Are All Accelerated Readers

like. shit dude. me too. this is how it felt for me when i figured it out tbh

[chez-cinnamon]

will fionn ever get himself a love interest? It would be freaking hilarious if he did. I can imagine the puppet shenanigans already.

I like to think he did have a secret boyfriend during his time working at Playfellow, but after the events that lead to Welcome Home's pull from the air and the company's disappearance, they likely broke up and left on a bitter note,,

Fionn seems like the type to be the "bitter ex boyfriend" bgbghbghfd and yeah the puppets would tease the living daylights out of him!

[artheresy]

My dynamic for Dan Feng & Yingxing

Hi hello, I said I would finally post this after long debating over if I show it here first or in my fic first, but fuck it. That’s a long ways away and I need to rant about them because they take up too much space in my brain.

So this post, isn’t me claiming that this is the canon dynamic between Dan Feng and Yingxing or that this is the only right one or whatever. This is purely my own view of what I think their dynamic would be based upon how I see their individual characters with the little bits and crumbs we’ve been given so far in HSR. I can’t go over every single aspect of them here because I just purely can’t think of every single thing so this is primarily going to be talking about the fundamental key parts of my interpretation of their dynamic! If that makes sense, I’ll hop right in

Be warned, this is pretty fucking long, I think so much about them it actually hurts me physically, like it’s painful. This is me just letting my autism run while talking about two of my favorites, so be cautious… sorry in advance if some areas turn into tangents, again I think about them so much its actually too much I think about them too much

AGAIN, THIS IS MY VIEW OF THEM!! Based on the characterization we have so far which isn’t a whole bunch, this is my interpretation of their relationship based on how I view the bits of characterization we have and what we know about them

—

Okay so one of the biggest and most fundamental parts that influences how I view their dynamic and the course of their relationship is looking at how exactly and why exactly I think they became close. Jingliu in her companion quest says:

I think this statement she makes “to see someone so arrogant get along with someone so proud” is actually the foundation of why they get close and their dynamic works rather than an obstacle that they somehow overcome. Specifically, I think that it was Yingxing’s arrogance (partially genuine and partially a habit born for the sake of his own survival) that allowed the two of them to get close. When we see lines from Yingxing via Dan Heng’s memories or via the Mirage Echo, though he uses Dan Feng’s proper title, he seems to talk rather casually to him. Even in a tense situation as secretly being in Scalegorge Waterscape for research would seem, Yingxing still is very lighthearted and in some languages, even laughs a little as he banters with Dan Feng. I have my own headcanons for why he has this casualness to him, but either way it’s a genuine part of him and a part of his canon characterization. I think that casualness, a product of his confidence/arrogance and maybe a little of his obliviousness as well, allows for them to get close. It evens the playing field, Yingxing sees Dan Feng as his equal, as a person, as Dan Feng rather than as his position of Imbibitor Lunae High Elder of the Vidyadhara. I could speculate all day whether or not other people had treated him similarly before and he shot it down (there’s a lot of the actual evolution of the dynamic that I will write I swear), but I think there was something very unique in that casualness that Dan Feng might not have experienced before, not from anyone else, not from the other members of the HCQ he had met before. Perhaps even Yingxing’s background would play a part in how shocked by his behavior DF is. Either way, it is that casualness, that equalness unlike he had ever experienced before, mixed with all of Yingxing’s other characteristics such as his cheeky nature that manages to quickly break down Dan Feng’s walls and make him feel compelled to grow closer to YX. Whether their first meeting was via Baiheng and Jingliu or a chance encounter before they eventually join the HCQ, Dan Feng is coming away from that shell shocked by the sheer audacity of this short life species, feelings he first interprets as offense before he realizes he’s actually amused/interest in him, and Yingxing walking away like “Huh? That was the High Elder I guess. Seems nice, a bit stiff tho!” There is no worship of Dan Feng from his side for any reason, not for his skills, not for his position, not even as an unattainable ethereal beauty situation. He views him as just another person, an equal, and no part of him views DF in this cocky “he’s not unattainable bc I already have him” kind of way because…

—

Another fundamental in my personal interpretation of their relationship is that Yingxing doesn’t truly seek anything from Dan Feng nor does he ever necessarily try to pursue him. And all of this isn’t in an insecure “We’d never work” kind of product of overthinking way of choosing not to pursue him. Rather, it’s primarily because Yingxing doesn’t feel the need to. He doesn’t need his romantic feelinhs to be satisfied or fulfilled especially with the difference in their lifespans. As long as he can be by his side and stay close with him until his time comes to an end, Yingxing is truly perfectly content with that. A lot of this additionally stems from a certain place. That being that after he gets to know Dan Feng better and learns of the sheer pressure he endures due to his position, the choices he feels he’s forced into, the level of restriction, even with all of the influence Dan Feng still has, he doesn’t want to be an added source of pressuring or discomfort. To sum it up, Yingxing leaves the ball in Dan Feng’s court so he can act as he sees fit when he feels like it. There’s an added layer to this also of Yingxing not wanting to ruin the current state of their dynamic (a topic I’ll get into more). In the end, this is just yet another part of Yingxing that utterly pulls Dan Feng in. He is very used to being distrusting of others and refusing to get close to many people, primarily out of wariness of the potential ulterior motives people may have when befriending him. Contrastly, Yingxing doesn’t expect or even want anything from Dan Feng even the closer they get. Dan Feng can see that, and it makes him trust in Yingxing. Makes him trust to the point that he feels comfortable enough to make attempts pursuing Yingxing himself rather than meeting at a stalemate, refusing to go after a man Dan Feng knows won’t chase him as to not risk pressuring him and bc he’s fine with how things are. That isn’t to say though that Yingxing won’t respond to any attempts Dan Feng makes first though, because he absolutely will. Well… that is if he can recognize any attempts from Dan Feng at all because he can be rather oblivious in the face of people making advances at him-

An added part to all of this is that Yingxing with the way he acts, both in general and in this specific regard, ends up being part of what helps influence and encourage Dan Feng to do more to take what he wants, actually follow his desires in certain aspects rather than keeping up his stiff outer image and denying himself of everything for that sake of his position. The HCQ in general all have influence helping Dan Feng open up more like this, seizing things instead of either waiting for things on a platter or never having them. However, Yingxing's bold nature is definitely the strongest factor as he ends up helping Dan Feng learn to identify what he wants for himself. Whether that want is something as complex as moving forward in a relationship when not only has Dan Feng had very little experience with close connections to others, but also is so accustomed to the stillness of long life, or something as simple as taking breaks and time to himself to live and breathe and experience life moving around him. It's through Yingxing (and the rest of the HCQ) that Dan Feng learns to be more selfish. It's through all of their care and kindness and love that Dan Feng learns that he too is not merely a pillar to stand tall for his people. That he is a person with needs and wants, and it is perfectly fine to be selfish and prioritize yourself at times.

—

So that previous section got into a little bit of Dan Feng’s trust in Yingxing, but what about Yingxing’s side of things? What about his trust in Dan Feng? I dunno what it is about him, but I feel like Dan Feng is the kind of person who can hear some of the deepest confessions and see the barest parts of the heart of someone he cares about and not treat them any differently like as if they are fragile y’know. Like Dan Feng is the person who Yingxing, out of all the HCQ, can truly confide in because he knows he won’t be seen different or treated in a drastically different way. Ultimately, Jingliu isn’t someone he feels he can go to for super emotional things which she likely herself knows she wouldn’t be able to help much with, Jing Yuan and him have a very light hearted joking dynamic that makes changing the tone and breaking the mood for a deep heart to heart much harder so he doesn’t often do it, and Baiheng… well, deep down Baiheng still sees Yingxing as that disheartened little boy, who had lost everything and was being told that there’s nothing he could do about it given his lifespan, that he couldn’t avenge what he had lost. If Yingxing were to tell her how he honestly truly feels about everything in his life, the traumas he still hadn’t overcome or the thoughts that plague him every day, he knows she would end up fretting over him, mother hen style. Being overly cautious as if his mind is made of glass, and as much as he loves her, he hates the idea of her changing how she treats him because of just how much she cares for him in turn.

(It’s a trait I see Baiheng having as to it being an obstacle in her other relationships like with Yingxing but works well in her relationship with Jingliu, caring for her and treating her softly, not underestimating her, in a way that others are too afraid to treat the unwavering, ice cold Sword champion! Matching DF and YX’s whole situation with his arrogance and casualness)

In the end, Yingxing feels like Dan Feng is the only one he can truly trust with the deepest corners of his heart and mind without worrying of Dan Feng either judging him or suddenly treating him like a fragile piece of porcelain. Even if he were to take note of something Yingxing told him and do something in response perhaps to ease his worries or heart ache, it would never be something out of pity or thinking Yingxing to be unable to take care of himself. Because ultimately, that’s where this all stems for Yingxing. He has lived so much of his life underestimated, whether having his skills and abilities questioned for being a short life species or sometimes intentionally sometimes unintentionally having his ability to take care of himself questioned like he needs a caretaker. Something that again is partially due to again to being a short life species. What Yingxing likes about Dan Feng is from the moment he met him, he doesn’t feel as if he is being questioned or underestimated. Dan Feng makes him feel as if he is truly seen as an equal, even with their distinct difference in power. It’s a treatment from Dan Feng that serves as a response to Yingxing’s own treatment of Dan Feng, his casualness to the other man making it clear he sees him as an equal as well.

And that? Well that is perhaps the most important part of the dynamic. In canon, they both have struggles with how they are seen and treated by others based on preconceived notions about their status. Dan Feng being in a way dehumanized as he is put up on a pedestal for being an incarnation of Imbibitor Lunae, for being the High Elder of the Vidyadhara, a position that he wants to escape because of the sheer loss of identity just a role brings. Yingxing being underestimated from the moment he stepped onto the Xianzhou because he wasn’t a long life species to the point that the other celestial masters on the Zhuming borderline bullied him into doubting himself, thinking a lot about his own death, and as a young boy (not even a teen yet), literally saying “Maybe I’ll never live to see the day my parents are avenged.” In my view of them, for them to truly be as close as they are established in canon, I think that from the start of their dynamic they make it very clear they see the other as a genuine and true equal in a way that other people haven’t or perhaps, can’t fully.

—

I said this before my in Aurizzm Yingxing post, but yeah, I don’t think Dan Feng or Yingxing would have come into a romantic relationship with each other with any experience at all. I know Dan Feng with no experience is a very accepted idea, and I agree with it very much given his isolated position and his proud attitude and that 100% plays into my view of their dynamic. I also however, firmly believe Yingxing came in without any romantic relationship experience too. The difference here ends up being in how inexperienced each of them are. Yingxing has had a lot more friendship experience, and he’s experienced crushes before which is how he can identify his own romantic feelings better than Dan Feng. But he’s never actually been in any relationship. He’s never had the time, he’s got his own goals in mind while being painfully aware he’s on a time limit, and let’s be real like I said before, This Man is married to his Forge. Meanwhile, Dan Feng truly hasn’t had any friendships prior to the HCQ. Knowing him and her too, I firmly believe Dan Feng and Jingliu’s relationship for example, was for maybe a few decades, maybe a literal century, just them sparring without words from time to time. So Dan Feng not only going in with no friendship experience, but I think that man also is having to recognize some new emotions and feelings he’s never experienced nor can put words to. So Dan Feng’s disaster comes in being painful aware of the presence and intensity of his own feelings… he just doesn’t have the words nor experience to recognize exactly what those feelings are. It’s an absolute disaster on all fronts, somebody pray for the HCQ who unfortunately have to experience all of this.

There’s an added layer I want to go more into looking back at the first part of why their relationship works and the thing I said about the Baiheng trait. As we saw with Jingliu admitting to her feelings towards his attitude as a child, she wasn’t… she wasn’t really a fan so to say of his arrogance. And given y’know, what we see of the people of the Luofu, I don’t doubt many people have similar reactions. Part of Yingxing’s limited experience comes not only from his own decision to not pursue anything, I think part of it comes from being for whatever reason feeling distaste for him. Whether it’s their own prejudices against Outworlders, or his bold attitude and lack of formality that makes any interest they had in him end up flying away. Which ugh, makes it even more special that this attitude of his, born out of necessity for his own survival on the Xianzhou and for his ability to move forward in his craftsmanship after all he went through, which has pushed so many people away, ends up being the exact thing that allows him to get close to Dan Feng. IT’s UGGGHHH Sorry, but I just need to scream. I NEED TO SCREAM ABOUT THEM OKAY?? THEY TAKE UP TOO MUCH SPACE IN MY BRAIN, I CAN’T HAVE A SINGLE MOMENT OF REST BECAUSE OF THEM

—

Again, this is my view of them and their dynamic based upon what we have been given in game so far, the crumbs of characterization we have. God I hope we get more. This isn’t me saying this view of them is canon or anything, this is just how I view them. This is the dynamic and thoughts that have grown like mold in my head from thinking about them WAY too much.

I have so much more I could talk about, certain specific things or things that don’t even immediately come to mind right now. If you want to ask more about how I view them or have some topic or aspect of them in mind, please hit me up. Either send something to my inbox or bust your way into my dms to talk about them. I love them so much. They mean the world to me.

And honestly? I could just make two whole separate posts also just about how I specifically characterize each of them, but I think I need to let my brain rest a bit.

And don’t think about this dynamic specifically in reference to how it could reflect on their current selves because you might just end up hurting yourself like I have. GOD I HATE THEM

[ashipiko]

NOW INTRODUCING...

—ASHI TAMADAI! ☆

Ashi Tamadai, part of the reborn Terugumi troupe! Often known as the youngest and most excitable member, the 14 year old always comes in with a splash!

TABLE OF CONTENTS—

1. Basic Info

2. Backstory/Introduction Writing

3. Trivia

4. Relationships (More may be added in future!)

5. Gallery

MORE UNDER CUT!

BASIC INFO:

Ashi Tamadai (アシ たまだい)

Troupe: Terugumi

Age: 14 (as of year 1 of Terugumi, year 2 of MANKAI)

Height: 157cm

Birthday: June 5

Blood Type: AB

Occupation: 3rd Year at Kazunari’s Junior High (1st Year at Ouka High in Act 3)

Motif rock: Floral Agate

Color: Salmon #FF9175

Hobbies: Drawing, rapping, doing whatever she feels like

Favorite Food: Spam Masubi

Least favorite food: Beans of any kind

Family: Father, Mother, Older Sister (11 Years Older), Older Brother (8 Years Older)

Strengths: Energetic, multitalented, charismatic

Weaknesses: Stubborn, worries too much on if she’s being annoying

CV: Sato Hinata

BACKSTORY:

Ashi’s always been the younger sister. Always at least 8 years younger than her immediate family, babied by all her cousins, and often treated as the youngest in school friend groups. Due to her age, of course. A birthday like June 5th didn’t help, finally catching up to other kids at the end of the school year. Everyone around her was older, and that always set her in the role of the youngest.

It was like tradition. Something you’re unable to break— “Would you mind babysitting Ashi while I’m gone?”, “Are you sure you can stay home by yourself?”, “Here, let me get this for you.”— An unbreakable curse. No matter what she did, how she tried to prove herself, it would just result in her being seen as stupid or incompetent, and she’d be back in the high chair.

It gets old at some point.

One day, she visited her cousin Kazunari Miyoshi, and heard of his debut in the new MANKAI company. Ashi wanted to show all her support to her favorite cousin, of course, so she bought a ticket as soon as she could. She sat in her seat, within in the sea of observers, and didn’t expect much except an outstanding performance. But that play— seeing Kazunari as Aladdin, alongside Tenma Sumeragi as Alibaba— it opened her eyes.

Seeing the star actor, known for his cool roles, acting in a comedy was such a breath of fresh air. Seeing her cousin, who she knew was more that what met the eye, say his thanks to the audience in such a genuine tone...

It helped her realize that acting was a way to escape from your usual persona and try something new. To branch out to different aspects. To be someone other than yourself. A chance to prove that you were more than what met the eye.

Ashi wanted that. More than anything.

Once she left the theater, she immediately started on her new journey. To find people who accepted her for who she truly is, and to see past what she seems to be. To find people who want to know her, to find a group where she feels she really belongs.

She found that auditioning for troupes around her area was the best way to go about it. If Kazunari can do it, why can’t she? So every week she visited a new troupe, giving her best, most dynamic audition to the directors. Sometimes she’d make the cut, but it didn’t matter anyways. Because again and again, she was merely casted as the background comedy character. The one you kill off, laugh over, and don’t bother to think about.

But MANKAI’s Summer Troupe plays helped her through all the failures, and every play and character she admired grew her passion for acting more and more. Seeing every actor’s happy face as they bowed and said heartfelt thanks for their standing ovation only made her dreams more powerful.

One day, she wishes she can become the shining star who blows everyone away.

One day, she wishes she can be something other than just a kid.

One day, she wishes she can prove herself to the world.

“Excuse me, I’d like to audition!”

TRIVIA:

—Ashi’s cousins to Kazunari! She’s the second youngest within her two families, with Futaba trailing behind just a little.

—She’s bilingual, knowing both Japanese and English (due to English being her first, she writes her name in English for her signature, left of her name on the introduction page).

—Ashi was born and raised in North America. However, her mom’s side of the family lived in Japan, so they would visit Japan every Summer for a long period, allowing her keep in touch with both areas. At age 12, she decided to stay in Japan permanently with her brother, who decided to stay for business reasons. She wanted to stay so that she could seek out more theater troupes along Veludo Way. In the story, her family is often mentioned as being overseas, so her older brother acts as her guardian. When she moves into the troupe, he enlists Kazunari to keep an eye on her when he can’t.

—Ashi’s two catchphrases are “Super Hype!/Hypesies!” and “Tehepero!” (referenced to in her doodle, top right of the introduction page).

—Ashi’s a part of a troupe called “Terugumi”, a reborn troupe (much like MANKAI) that’s one of the many acting troupes along Veludo. When the Terugumi story begins, it takes place after Act 2, before Act 3.

—She genuinely can’t stay awake past 12. Ashi becomes a completely different version of herself and loses all her energy, always having to hold onto someone. Kazunari brings up the memory of when they were younger, when Ashi survived off a churro at a theme park, confident she was going to make it till closing, before she passed out an hour before the park closed.

—She’s often the “little sister” with everyone she hangs out with. Ashi mainly hangs out with Kazunari, Tenma, Banri, and Azami. They all see a part of themselves in her, which leads to them getting attached easily.

—In Year 1 of MANKAI, Azami actually saved Ashi from getting jumped when she ended up lost, going the wrong way. Ever since he saved her and simply gave her his name, she always has an eye open for her “knight in shining armor”, asking around for a guy who she calls “Azami, the dark haired cutie”. She eventually gives up once she can’t find him at her junior high, but has a small sliver of hope.

—When she finds Azami again, she immediately wants to befriend him and get to know him, causing them to become fast friends and besties.

—She’s a hopeless romantic (runs in the family!)

—She raps often with Homare and Azami. They have a group chat that they barely use, and every once in a while she pops in to ask for a rhyme.

—Ashi is hilariously bad at freestyle, and runs out of rhymes quickly, but when given a solid set of lyrics she sings them super smooth.

—Ashi uses Kazunari’s nicknames for almost all of the members. The only weird exception is Juza, who she refers to as “Hyodo”. No one knows why, but it’s assumed by most that it’s due to Banri’s influence. She switches between nicknames and not-nicknames for Kazu, Tenten and Azamin. Banri’s the only one who she calls fully by name.

—She’s terrified of Chikage.

—Being called a “kid” is the biggest insult and middle finger you can give her. In her mind, being called a kid is like being called stupid, incompetent, pathetic, and everything in between. She thinks this because it was often used as a derogatory term when growing up.

—Despite being straight, she happens to attract a LOT of girls. She has a fan club a short while after she starts attending Terugumi (which is mostly girls), and girls at school have tried to pursue her at school as well. She dreads having to let them down, and feels like her charisma can be a curse at times. (“Ehh... Sometimes I wish the chocolates I get on V-Day were given by a bunch of guys instead...”)

RELATIONSHIPS (WITH MANKAI):

KAZUNARI

“Ashi, your latest inste post was super adorbs! ♪”

“Thanks Kazu! Learnt all my tricks from the expert~”

From a first glance, the cousin relationship seems more like a twin one, as they’re both excitable inste obsessed artists who can’t stop talking. But overtime, it becomes apparent that Kazunari watches over Ashi with a careful eye— They’re awfully close. It’s due to the fact that Kazunari sees a part of him in his little cousin, when they draw together in his dorm room, or when they have late night talks over the phone. His older brother instincts can’t help but kick in when he interacts with her.

He enjoys watching her grow and experience new things, especially since he can see her so much more now due to them being in local troupes. Kazunari can’t help but get a little overprotective at times, though. She’s his favorite little cuz, after all!

“Kazu! Mind hanging out with me at the mall today?”

“Bet, let’s do it! Hey, it’ll really help with my charming older bro image, don’tcha think?!”

TENMA

“Tenma… Would you mind buying this kpop album for me…? I’ll promise I’ll pay you back!”

“Sigh, what else should I expect from you at this point…”

The relationship between the two cocky O-High kids doesn’t really bloom (get it) until Kazunari mentions a resemblance between the two. At first, Tenma’s insanely confused. How could you compare him, a worldwide actor, to some 14 year old?! It takes a little clearing up to make him nod his head and quietly agree.

Kazunari notes that both of them are people who put up a strong and tough front, but in reality are just a couple of scaredy cat sheltered kids without a good idea of fun. After a couple indirect conversations, Kazunari decides to get them to start hanging out. Tenma at first is absolutely bewildered at her hyperness (more than Natsugumi, somehow) and finds it hard to talk to “kids these days”, and Ashi freaks over hanging with a celeb, but Tenma loosens up after she shares her admiration for the actor.

At some point, Tenma has to agree and say that he does see a little bit of himself in her too. He doesn’t know when— but the initial annoying feeling she gives turns into something sweet. Watching horror movies with her becomes comforting, and hiding in the blankets doesn’t feel so lonely anymore.

”O-Oi, Ashi, who turned off the lights?!”

“I-I dunno! But I’m totally fighting whoever it is! For more banger movies from Tenma Sumeragi to come! COME AT ME!”

BANRI

”Hey Ashi, you think you’re finally old enough to fist fight me?”

“Oh-Ho! You are ON!”

At first meet, Banri calls Ashi a little kid. It ends up in a fistfight in the MANKAI lounge, which has to be broken up by both Natsugumi and Akigumi. A great way to start a friendship, isn’t it?

It’s through riling up Ashi that Banri finds out she’s also a thrill seeker who’s looking for something new. Not to mention, multi-talented, just like him. It’s rare that you ever find a kid like that, and even rarer that you find a kid as fun as Ashi. Through this little banter relationship, Banri starts taking Ashi out to do different activities— Wood carving, arcades, shooting arrows— Anything new in attempts to give them a thrill. It’s through all the challenges that the yells of “YOU SUCK!” turn into laughs, even if insults still trail behind.

It’s refreshing to meet someone with the same struggles who’s willing to solve them with you. Banri doesn’t know when, but at some point it feels like he has two sisters instead of one. And Ashi can’t help but feel like she’s gained another older brother. NEO finally has a secret weapon to rival Taruchi.

“...Ashi, did you notice that Itaru’s streams have been mentioning someone named ‘Lil NEO’?”

“NOOOO! Don’t tell me I have to be associated with you on social media now...!”

AZAMI

“Hey Azamin, I found this unused eyeshadow palette at my house! You think you can use it?”

“Pfft. Is this your way of trying to get me to do your makeup again?”

Azami and Ashi are both the youngest members within their companies, and it’s definitely something they bond over often. They both have issues and hate being referred to as a kid, so during their makeup sessions, where Azami, the pro makeup artist, happily does makeup for Ashi, the pretty one who doesn’t know anything outside of skin care, they often rant and talk about annoyances within their troupes. Ashi finds it comforting that someone’s willing to listen to her seriously, and Azami finds it comforting that there’s someone else who feels the same way as him. Due to this, Ashi often comes by for Azami to test out new makeup products, since she always trusts in him and his magical skills.

Especially when they reconnect a year or two after Azami saves Ashi, Ashi can’t help but admire and fawn over Azami. “You’re so cool, Azamin! You can fight, do makeup, AND slay in every way?! You’re amazing!”, are things she says often. Azami gets a little flustered at how touchy and affectionate she is, but he can’t help but soften up after a while. Hugs are okay. Hugs are good. It feels nice gaining one from someone who looks up to you so much.

Despite their different aesthetics, the two really aren’t that different. As they hang out more and more, walking home from school, hanging out at the dorms, going to cafes, they quickly become best friends and always enjoy each others company. Ah, well, maybe they enjoy each others company a little more than they’d like to admit.

“Azami, your skills are for REAL magic! Like, you’re insane when you’re holding a brush like that...!”

“...Magic, huh? Heh. Thanks, Ashi.”

GALLERY:

[redrobin-detective]

"come in," she said, "I'll give you shelter from the storm"

Marceline woke to the smell of something amazing cooking.

Her reactions were a little less startled and a little more excited every time she woke up and remembered that Simon was back. She quickly dressed and flew down the stairs and into the kitchen as Simon was finishing whatever it was he was making. His hair was pulled back in one of Marcy's hairbands and was wearing a bright pink sweater gifted from Bonnie over top his usual white collared shirt and black slacks. He looked so different from how she remembered him growing up but he was still her Simon.

"Good morning, or rather good afternoon, sleepyhead," Simon said with a smile as he flipped something in his pan. "Sit down, I'm almost done. I have something I want to talk to you about."

"Is this something the thing you've been talking to my girlfriend in secret about for the past few weeks?" She asked playfully. Simon groaned.

"How could you possibly-"

"I've known Bonnie for hundreds of years, you think I don't know her tells by now," Marcy grinned. "And it barely took me a year to learn all of yours."

"Yes, yes, I shall always be the Watson to your estimable Holmes so here is your reward for another case brilliantly solved," Simon said with a flourish. He placed a completely red grilled cheese sandwich in front of her with a bowl of tomato soup. "Strawberry jam toasted bread with ham, red bell peppers and tomato. The cheese I soaked in the jam too, it's not as red but hopefully it'll taste better than the beet juice cheese I made for you that one time. Bon appétit, mon cher."

"That beet cheese haunts my nightmares," Marcy said, trying to act casual when she wanted to cry with how much love she was feeling. She thought she had lost this forever and having it back, it was a miracle she couldn't put into words. "You don't have to go to this much effort, I can eat anything red. It doesn't even have to be real food."

"I like to cook and I like to cook for you. Sharing a meal together is something you do with your loved ones," he smiled and sat down with his own soup and sandwich. "I have a second chance to enjoy the little things in life and I don’t want to waste it.” He said, biting into his sandwich.

“Yeah,” she smiled back as her fangs sampled the sandwich. Deliciously red and made with love. “What did you want to talk about?”

“Oh uh,” Simon looked flustered and ducked his head closer to the soup. “I hate having serious discussions over a meal. How was your show last night?”

“Fine,” Marcy said with a suspicious frown. Simon was being cagey but she’d get it out of him eventually. “It was just a small gig at Dirt Beer Guy’s new place. It would have been better with my partner there. You can’t spend all your time inside reading those dusty old books, you know.”

“I’m not your partner, Marcy, I’m your-” Simon paused and turned away with embarrassment scratching at the back of his neck. She found herself wishing he’d just say what they both felt but he trailed off as usual. “Music is just a hobby for me, I’m not nearly the professional you are. Besides I’m not really suited to the kind of music you play, trying to keep up with you would just diminish your natural talent.” 

“Dude, you’re like the best pianist I’ve ever heard and you know all those old world songs,” Marcy argued as she slurped up the remaining red in her soup with annoyance. “And you’re no slouch on the guitar or violin or drums or-”

“I don’t play the drums, Ice King did,” Simon interrupted with a flat frown. 

“Yeah, okay whatever,” Marcy grumbled as she floated up and gathered up the now empty plates to clean. “So come on, stop avoiding the issue, what did you want to talk about?”

“I don’t want to have this conversation angry, let’s relax with a little jam session first,” Simon said cheerfully. “It’s been a while since I’ve been on strings, I’ll join you today on guitar. Just like the good old days.” The image of Simon’s large, blue tinged hands on top of hers on the half broken guitar they’d scrounged from the rubble, lightly moving her fingers over the frets. His gentle voice walking her through the notes and the beautiful sounds they’d made to fill the apocalyptic silence. 

Even after a thousand years of insanity, he knew just how to tempt her.

“I’ll grab my guitar while you finish up,” he said before rushing out of the kitchen. She was drying her hands when the sound of a tuning guitar flitted through the house. Marcy had dreamed of a situation like this: her and Simon safe, with no magic or madness or sadness between them, just hanging out. But sometimes a wall could be made of other things too. She grabbed her bass as she floated into the living room where Simon was strumming his acoustic with deep concentration. She sat next to him on the couch and began strumming too, the familiar motions leeching some of her tension. 

They sat in companionable silence for a while, playing their own thing with the separate melodies sometimes coming together and harmonizing. Every now and again she’d recognize something he played, some dim lightbulb of a memory from when she was a child listening to music on the radio. Simon always got a little sad when she reminded him of the world they’d both lost. She’d mourned and moved on but it was harder for him to let go.

"Marcy, I need to move out,” Simon said suddenly, snapping her out of her head. She jerked a discordant chord on her guitar as she dropped it, causing him to wince. “Princess Bubblegum is getting me set up with a little place on the border of the Candy Kingdom," he continued awkwardly.

"Move out?" Marcy yelped, reaching over to grab Simon's hand then quickly releasing when she saw him wince. "Why? You've only been back as yourself for six months! You're- you're not ready yet! You can't live on your own in Ooo, you'll get killed!"

"I got through the apocalypse, remember. I believe you were there," he said with a raised eyebrow.

"Is it the house? Too small? Too dark? We'll move together, somewhere bigger and brighter that has everything you need-"

"The house is fine, Marcy," Simon sighed, "it's not that it's..."

"Is it me?" She asked quietly. Simon set aside his guitar and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her in close. Marcy tried to relax into his touch like she used to but instead dug her hands into his sweater and held on tight.

"No, Sweetie, no, of course not. Believe me, this isn't an easy choice for me either but... Marceline, we always knew this was going to be temporary. You're a beautiful, brilliant, vivacious young woman and you don't need an old dinosaur cramping your lifestyle."

"You're not, I promise. I love having you here. I am so happy I get to see you everyday, to wake up to your cooking and making music together," she said, pulling back to look up at him.

"And I treasure those things too but Marcy, you're not going out with your friends, you're canceling shows and I know you don't feel comfortable bringing your girlfriend around when I'm here. I don't, I guess I'm worried about trapping you."

"You're not, I want you here, I promise. There's always other parties, other gigs and Bonnie, well she's old too, she knows that the most precious things are the ones that-that won't be around forever."

Simon was human again and that meant he was no longer deathless. He'd been in his mid 30s when he first wore the crown, hardly a spring chicken but not old either. That left Marcy about 50 years or so before he was gone and there was no magic on Earth or beyond that could bring him back while she went on and on and on and on and-. She loosened her grip on him before her claws put holes in his sweater, or him.

"Sweet Girl, I know what it's like to cling to something because it’s safe and familiar but we can’t live in the past. I, well, I need to find my own way. You know, learn and adapt like you have and I can't do that living in the backroom in the house of my uh... friend. We’ve had time to reconnect and recover but now it's time for this old bird to fly from the nest."

“You could stay if you wanted,” she said softly, weakly, feeling like the abandoned child she never really stopped being. “You could live here with me the rest of your life and I would love you every minute of every day. If you really want to move out, find your own space, I’ll gladly help. But I want you to know you are always welcome here, in my home and in my life because- because you’re like my dad and nothing will ever change that or how I feel about you.”

They never really spoke the words: dad, daughter, family, even if that's what they were to each other. There was always the risk Hunson would overhear and take it out on Simon. But also 'dad' had come to represent disappointment and anger and fear while 'Simon' fit the meaning much better. Who needed a dad when she had a Simon?

“Oh Marceline,” Simon said softly, resting his cheek against her hair. “I don’t deserve your love after what I put you through.” 

“Like you said, we can’t live in the past,” she mumbled, squeezing him as tight as she dared. Time moved so quickly for her, how many more times would she get to hug him before he was gone? They stayed like for a while before he pulled back and wiped his misty eyes underneath his glasses.

"Princess Bubblegum said the place should be finished soon. It's not very far and, you, likewise, are welcome to visit anytime. I've even asked the Princess to set aside an extra bedroom for you and Finn if ever you need somewhere to stay." Simon said, breaking eye contact to grab his guitar and lightly finger the strings. 

"Do Finn and Jake know about this?" Marcy teased. It's been an endless source of amusement watching Simon latch onto Finn like a mother hen and for it all to fly over the boy's head. Simon cooks for them, teaches Finn when he can pin the boy down between adventures and positively dotes on him and her unofficial little brother still didn't get it.

"Jake thinks it's a great idea," Simon sniffed. "Finn is almost 18 and full of reckless, teenage energy, not to mention a whole load of unaddressed trauma. Jake's getting older, he can use all the help he can get managing Finn."

"Word to that," She laughed. The heavy emotional pall lifting, she picked up her bass again and played the same simple melody as Simon. "Was that all you wanted to talk about? The house?"

"No," Simon looked uncomfortable. "I've put it off too long really but with the house set to be up soon, I do need to collect the rest of my belongings from the uh..."

"Oh yeah, you had that whole secret room in the Ice Kingdom, all those books and artifacts and stuff," Marcy noted.

"The last remnants I have of Betty are there too," Simon said dully. They don't talk about her much, mostly because the grief and guilt reminded both of them too much of Ice King. He still had his bad days spent alone doing glob knows what in his room. "I have a lot of things I need to get that I’ve been putting off because well…”

“It’s got to be weird,” Marcy said with an understanding smile. “You were Ice King then Gunter is now Ice Thing. I think everyone needed space after what went down. Me and PB can go get your stuff if you want.”

“No, no, it needs to be me. I can’t run away from the past forever,” Simon sighed. “I could use your help with moving as well as sorting through what’s important and what’s just sentimental junk. I collected as many pre-war artifacts as I could before I was consumed by the crown so I’m not even sure what’s all there.”

“Of course, I’m sure Finn would like to be involved too if it’s about human stuff,” Marcy said

“I’ll message him and I’m pretty sure Gunter gave me his new number too,” Simon muttered absently. “The Ice Kingdom still doesn’t have any citizens so hopefully Gunter will be able to accommodate us.”

“But that will probably take some time to coordinate,” Marcy said in a lilting tone, “and you still owe me a jam session. Show me that one song you used to play on guitar all the time, you know, the one that goes like-” she hastily strummed out a few chords. Simon laughed.

“A thousand years after the end of the world and Bob Dyland still endures,” he said, making some minor adjustments to his tuning keys. “Ok, my memory isn’t what it used to be so don’t complain if I get the lyrics or melody mixed up. So it’s a simple song that has a repeat rhythm of D, G, C, G. Got it? Ok and a one and two and a three-”

The house was soon filled with music and laughter and lots of love.

[ruvviks]

toying with the idea of making yancey's friends not real. would that be too evil

[tortoisesshells]

50 + 271

[candlebel]

I cared. I still do. I still think of you and I still cry over you. You were importat to me. You still are.

[marymekpop]

⟢ highlight of the hour: my perfect stranger [2/16] ⟣

took for granted

[helianskies]

ugly maths.

i hate maths, right. i don't usually like numbers, and if i do like numbers it's gotta be an 8 or a 48 and nothing else.

thing is, i've recently caught myself doing maths again. ugly maths. the kind of maths that, really, i've been trying to avoid as much as possible because, well, it's ugly!

you... wanna see?

okay, fine... but don't say i didn't warn you!

ugly, see? look at all those numbers! not a 48 in sight!

huh? what's that? you don't see what i'm on about? oh... oh! hang on, lemme just—

better? yes? no? no? okay, what if i—

mmh, yes. ugly numbers. see it now? can you see why they're ugly?

here, i can make it worse.

these numbers are ugly. the maths they make me do is ugly.

now i'll level with you: the worst ones by far are the yellow numbers. the maths they make me do it the ugliest.

why ugly?

because it makes me ugly.

those numbers turn me into not only a suddenly number-obsessed fool, but a fool who also cannot understand these numbers and what they mean and why i feel like they reflect on me and my ability.

87, 75.

the thoughts are as follows:

• the orange numbers are big, so why are you being ugly about the yellow ones? you should be happy with what you have. so many nice big numbers! not everyone receives that.

• is it that there are two different audiences for these two different fics? perhaps. they are quite different works, with different appeals, and different themes. maybe you are reading too much into it.

• why are you obsessing over numbers anyway? you don't like maths! you left maths behind when you were 16, put it down!

okay, okay, fine! i'll put the maths down. right here, in fact!:

that 87 was an 83 at the start of the year. the 6161 it is attached to was a 5453.

4, 708.

ugly maths.

the 75 is a nice number. in fact, compared to 87, it is beautiful, radiant, enchanting. at the start of the year, 75 was 48. wow. now that is one sexy number!

27.

mmmm.

6161, 1061.

5100.

87, 75.

12.

mmmm.

you know, my most favourite comment left recently on a fic of mine was 2 characters long: :(

it made me :)

well, actually, it made me >:) because it was left in response, presumably, to one of the key scenes in a new chapter which left the exact impression on someone that i hoped it would.

they must be the only one who reacted like that, though.

1.

have i mentioned that that 87 and 75 include author responses?

i won't try to do more maths, there. it might not end well for me. the maths is making me tired enough as it is, and i have an early start tomorrow.

oh! but, that being said, i have another set of ugly numbers to show you, so keep 87 and 75 in mind.

ready?

838, 245.

(want a hint? the green numbers!)

838, 87. 245, 75.

9.6, 3.3.

ugly maths. it's ugly again, see? i don't like it. i'm seeing numbers within numbers within numbers, and i can't seem to stop!

the numbers make me ask new questions:

• why is it not good enough?

• people seem to engage more with one fic over the other, so shouldn't you prioritise?

• is all this maths this really good for you?

no, it isn't.

i want to avoid ugly maths. ugly maths makes me want to tear my hair out. it makes me want to start from scratch. it makes me want to grab someone and scream. it makes me want to cry and press a button that has tempted me many times before when the numbers become too ugly to bear.

ugly maths turn me into an ugly person.

ugly maths make me obsessive, paranoid, anxious, regretful, vindictive, spiteful, alone.

i hate maths. i hate numbers, just like, it feels, the numbers hate me.