#regret working so much without taking care of myself but its good that i did dueing that time bc it meant when my sister wrecked her car

[be-good-to-bugs]

bleh im upset i burned myself out from work but alas i had no choice

[fictionadventurer]

I went into Ruth expecting a dreary read. How could a Victorian "fallen woman" story be anything other than dark and depressing? So I was shocked right from the beginning to find a sweet, gentle, romantic story. The dressmaker's apprentice who sits in the coldest, darkest part of the workroom because that's where there's a panel painted with flowers that remind her of her country home? How could I not adopt her as a favorite character? Ruth's innocent, romantic outlook on life gave us some beautiful descriptions of the scenery of both city and countryside, and my imagination went on overdrive to create very vivid images of the story. Even the love story, which we know is going to go very wrong, starts out sweet, with a kind, charming love interest who only shows flashes of just how wrong his character is going to go.

Even after Ruth's fall, the story is so gentle, putting Ruth among kind people who are willing to risk and sacrifice a lot to help her. And then the story gets almost too gentle--after some initial struggles with depression, Ruth resolves to bear her troubles patiently and work toward virtue, and her sweet, too-innocent character gets flattened out into someone who's just Good. Life just goes on, with things generally going well, and every potential turn toward drama results in someone deciding to be reasonable, which can make the story drag.

But, in a story like this, the lack of drama becomes the plot twist! It is refreshing to see characters who don't always jump to the worst conclusion or take the worst action, who pause and consider the whole story and act like decent human beings.

And in the places when the drama does kick in, it's good drama. Painful drama. It's also (especially in the last section of the story) melodrama. There were sections of the book where I was rolling my eyes at the cookie-cutter Victorian path the story was taking--but then there'd be one line or one moment that would just stab me in the chest because of how beautifully specific it was to this story. Just enough to elevate it from something bland to something unique and fascinating.

I often had the thought that this book could be about a third of its length without losing anything--yet it should also be just as long as it was. If the story cut all its repetitive musings about Ruth's regret, and used that space to develop the side characters and and show the plot instead of telling us about it, it would be a much deeper story. I found myself wishing Gaskell had reworked this one later in her career--the way that North and South was a more skillful reworking of the issues explored in Mary Barton. In a way, she sort of did in Wives and Daughters, with the story of Molly the quiet innocent getting tangled up in the intrigues surrounding her headstrong, flirtatious stepsister Cynthia serving as a more layered, personality-flipped version of the story where headstrong, sheltered Jemima gets tangled in the story of quiet, sweet Ruth and her past romantic intrigues. (The doctor at the end of the story also feels like a proto-Mr. Gibson).

Yet I'm still fascinated by the themes specific to this story. Contrary to expectation, this "fallen woman" story isn't about sex, or gender, or how unfairly women are treated (though it does touch on that in the end). It's about sin. It's not questioning why Ruth's behavior is considered a sin or looking to dismantle the society saying that it's a sin. It comes from the Christian perspective of saying that sin is real and harms people--so how are we going to deal with that?

The story shows lots of people struggling with temptation, failing, and dealing with the consequences (or harming others with the consequences). Sin is always a case of either not caring enough to do the more difficult, good thing, or a case of "the ends justify the means", where people rationalize their bad behavior as something necessary in this specific case. It always leads to harm, but some people--and some sins--suffer greater consequences in the eyes of the world, whether or not they deserve it. I wish the story had developed and resolved this theme better in places, but the raw material there is fascinating food for thought.

This book is Gaskell at her preachiest, but also Gaskell at her kindest. It explores deep, difficult issues in a very loving way. As a story, there are ways it could be better, but I'm very glad I read it. Perhaps I'm making a point to be kinder to it because I know it's the type of story that today's readers tend to judge harshly. But amid my issues with the story, there are some lovely images, some great messages, and some wonderful characters that going to be living in my heart for a long time.

[nightghoul381]

Dead or Love ~ Ellis Twilight

This a fan translation so it is definitely not 100% accurate. I do not own anything related to Ikemen Villains. Support Cybird by buying their amazing stories!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Bitter End | Premium End | Epilogue

When we step into the church, we found--.

Ellis: “Ah…”

Orphanage staff: “Everyone, please take turns to receive a present from Santa Claus.”

The Kids: “Yes!”

Santa Claus: “A gift for a good child. Here you are.”

A person who appeared to be one of the orphanage staff wearing red clothes was handing out presents to the children.

The children’s eyes sparkle as they stare at Santa Claus.

Ellis: “You’ve met the real Santa Claus.”

Kate: “…fufu, right.”

Ellis and I sat on a bench in the church and looked at the scene.

The image of Santa Claus handing out present without asking for anything in return,

There are similarities with Ellis.

(Being kind to others without asking for anything in return. That’s a really nice thing.)

I remember hearing somewhere that true love is when you don’t expect anything in return.

(But… is that true?)

I turned my attention to the time bomb that was still attached to Ellis’ leg.

I felt a rush of regret at myself for not noticing this.

(Santa Claus handing out presents with a smile.)

(…even though he might actually be suffering?) 5304

I don’t want to be a person who only receives kindness without returning it.

The more I think about Ellis, the more I care about him.

Kate: “Ellis, you said you wanted to be my Santa Claus, but…”

Kate: “For me, you’re like Santa Claus every day.”

Ellis: “That’s…why?”

Kate: “You make me so happy, but you don’t ask for anything in return, do you?”

In response to my question, Ellis had a troubled complicated expression on his face.

Kate: “I think that sort of kindness and love is very wonderful and precious.”

Kate: “I’ve been spoiled a lot because of that, and…”

Ellis: “I think you should be more selfish.”

Kate: “See, spoiled again.”

Ellis: “Fufu…”

(But)

Kate: “That’s why…I really wish I could see something other than that.”

Ellis: “So, not me?”

Kate: “Yes… and no, Ellis, please.”

Ellis’s eyes widen for just a moment.

It’s as if he remembers all the words I’ve told him.

“Let’s be happy together.”

“I want you to be happy too, Ellis.”

I wonder how long those words have stayed with Ellis.

Ellis: “You…”

Ellis: “Would you be happier if I were selfish?”

There is a darkness in the smile in front of me—I realized an invisible line had been drawn.

(Ellis’ words just now are meant to hide something.)

(I’m sure you understand that I don’t want you to be selfish ‘for me’)

What I’m looking for and what Ellis is trying to offer me is close, yet very far away.

A tinge of loneliness crosses my mind for just a moment.

(It doesn’t have to be right away.)

(I can’t help it if I don’t understand it for the rest of my life.)

(But, I want to be there to listen to Ellis when he needs it.)

I nodded with that feeling in mind.

Kate: “Yes…”

Jude: “Why aren’t you dead yet.”

Kate: “Jude!”

Ellis: “Oh, Jude.”

Kate: “So, did you find out how to defuse the bomb?"

Jude: “You’re so loud. If it doesn’t explode on its own, your voice will set it off.”

Jude looks annoyed and flutters a piece of paper.

That’s—a way to defuse the bomb.

I was relieved to find out how to defuse the bomb.

(Ah, I…)

(I was more scared of losing Ellis than I thought…)

(I’ve been scared for a long time.)

Ellis’ bomb was defused and we went outside feeling relieved.

Then, even colder air caressed my cheeks--.

Kate / Ellis : “Ah…”

(Snow…)

Ellis: “It’s like an overdone scenario that it’s snowing at a time like this.”

Kate: “…isn’t it?”

Ellis: “Um, where are you going Jude?”

Jude: “You know it’s work. I can’t believe how much time I wasted just wiping your ass.”

Ellis: “Yeah, sorry.”

Ellis: “Also, thank you for helping me, Jude.”

Jude: “Ha. I forgot how thick you are. I don’t need your gratitude.”

Jude: “You’d better keep your promise instead of paying for it.”

Kate: “Promise…?”

(What if he said something like ‘sell me your organs’!...)

Ellis: “I made a deal. In exchange for Jude helping me, I’d pay him back with my body.”

Kate: “B-body!?”

Ellis: “Yeah, I’ve lost my vacation time for a while.” 5378

Kate: “Oh, that… you mean labor…”

Jude: “Give me your organs, what a pitiful thing to think.”

(Uh... It must be obvious.)

Ellis: “It’s more profitable to have healthy people working.”

Jude: “If you understand, then hurry up and get to work.”

--Crown Castle—Kate’s room—

When we returned to the castle, Jude immediately took Ellis away.

(As usual, he’s still the devil…)

When I took off my jacket, my eyes fell on the present box I had left on the desk.

It’s a Christmas present to Ellis from me.

(Ellis said I’m ‘not allowed’ to return the favor…)

(But, I also want to be Ellis’ Santa Claus)

There’s only a little time left before Christmas is over.

I grabbed the present box and headed toward Ellis.

When I give you this present, I imagine how much you’ll laugh with all your heart.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Bitter End | Premium End | Epilogue

[jtficprompt]

A Young Outlaw's Guide to Hitching a Ride Home

Prompts for a series of fics I'll likely not get around to ever writing.

Feel free to adopt and adapt, using as little or as much as you like.

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Wonder Woman; Tim Drake; Ferdinand the Kithotaur (title ideas: "Tell an Adult" "Doing what needs to be done")

Batman is on a plane somewhere over the Atlantic. A slow civilian plane, that definitely isn't big enough to fit the BatPlane in the hold.

Which isn't kind of plane Batman takes when he knows Robin is being hunted by the Joker.

Superman looked half dead in the news footage. He was barely walking by the time parasite was arrested.

The Titans seem to be off world. Tim has no idea how to contact the Flash.

That means Wonder Woman. Which means Tim need to get to the Themiscarian Embassy in DC as fast as possible.

(Also featuring: Cooking lessons and discrete child neglect assessment questions with Ferdinand the Kithotaur.)

----

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Roy Harper (title ideas: "Friends in Low Places" "The Corn Pollen Path" "First Step")

You don't stop shooting up because heroin stops feeling like heroin. You stop shooting up because you find something more important than the next score.

Roy Harper finds that in a seedy bar in eastern Kasnia, when he hears two thugs he recognizes as Joker henchmen talking about "the boss" going bird hunting in Ethopia.

He may be an addict. He may be a has-been. But he was a Titan, and he will be damned if he scrounges for his next score while another Titan falls into that clown's trap.

Even if it kills him. (He tries not to hope too hard that it does).

----

----

Veronica Vreeland; Roxy Rocket (title ideas: "Ronnie & Roxy's Rescue Service" "I'm the Cool Aunt")

"Roxie! Darling! I need a ride! I have to get to Ethopia so I can kill Harley's ex."

Roxie knew Veroinca Vreeland was crazy. She regularly encouraged Harley to kidnap her "for brunch." She dated the Penguin. Voluntarily. Before today, she just didn't know that "crazy" extended to HALO jumps from a rocket plane on a mission to kill the Joker. … Maybe Ozzie has good taste after all.

----

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Jordan Hill; Barbara Gordon (title ideas: "Someone who's been there before")

"I'm not an idiot, Babs. I've known you and every single member of the Wayne family since we were kids. We don't have time for this. I don't care what you all get up to at night: Jeckko is hunting Jason, and I'll be damned if I let that asshole hurt another kid."

----

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Garth of Shayaris (title ideas: "Tagging in" "The-Batman's-an-Asshole-Phone-Tree")

"You're telling me that Vic has a program running that goes through the entire internet to sort out if I'm doing 'something weird'."

"I mean, it used to track Dickie-bird. But yeah."

"Because if Dick was doing something weird, it means B was an asshole."

"Obviously. He's still an asshole, right?"

"Yes. And there is a phone tree for this. For when B is an asshole."

"Yes."

"Aren't you supposed to be King of Atlantis right now? Seems like you should have shit to do. Besides following my ass to Ethopia."

"Acting King. And if Arthur can be an asshole and dump all his work on me without asking, I can definitely take a personal day."

----

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Ra's Al Ghul (title ideas: "Ra's Al Ghul is many things")

"Sir, he has the boy."

"Where is the Detective?"

"He's on his way. But, sir, he won't make it there in time."

"I should never have allied myself with that madman."

Ra's paused and gazed out the window. Talia wondered how may people besides her would recognize regret in her father's face.

"Then I must go in the Detective's stead. Have the hangars ready our fastest plane, then fetch my armor and swords." Her father did not turn from the window as Ubu rushed out to see to his orders. He simply stared out the window until he spoke again.

"Talia. Prepare the pit while I am gone. His father will not thank me for it, but if my folly comes to its worst end I will not deprive my grandson of his brother."

[coffeeheartaddict2]

Crescendo

Book: Open Heart (book 1)

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC Casey Valentine

Word count: 1056

Rating: Mature

Category: angsty smut

Warnings: Sexual references, masturbation

Summary: After being told about the goings on with Mrs Martinez, Ethan takes Casey to the opera and once again the lines between professional and personal become very blurry.

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Pixelberry.

🎼🎶🎶🎶🎵🎵🎵🎶🎶🎶🎵🎵🎵🎵🎵🎶🎶

It had been a long day. He was hoping to have gotten away early but he had needed to run more tests for Naveen and despite putting as high a priority he could without drawing attention he was still waiting. He did not see her until she was at the table and she announced herself. She looked stressed so I pushed the chair out and she sat. She tells me about that day, when the deal with the devil was finalized and what I had witnessed the end of. I can see she is wracked with guilt. I knew she did it out of kindness, I knew how much Theresa resented her treatment. In a way I was happy she got to do what she always wanted. I assured Casey that she needed to feel but move on because prolonged guilt was no good to anyone. I looked at my watch as it was clear I was not getting those results tonight. I then invite her to the opera. I had hoped to have gone tonight anyway and I hoped it had the desired effect of giving her a break from today.

We arrive and she is awestruck by the beauty of the building. She looked gorgeous in her revelry and he knew it was going to test all his self control. They went to his box and settled in. Tonight the opera was Orpheus in the underworld. It was a sad tale. As it was in Italian, I narrated it for her. I could see the parallels in our situation. I could see that she could too and was caught up in the emotion. I could see her breathing heavily to keep her emotions in check. My mind went to what I had wanted to do in my dreams. I looked down and our hands were intertwined. It felt right, even though the circumstances were wrong. I was still narrating but as the story and the music came to a climax and crescendo all I could think about was being on my knees, knowing that my mouth and fingers were going to crescendo into a climax that would rival the music being played. The Opera came to an end and she kisses me. I pull away.

“You and me, it is complicated” I say quietly.

“For me it is not” she states and we kiss again. How I want to take it further. The house lights come on, ending the moment and I drop her at home.

I then make my way back to mine, again alone and the thoughts of right and wrong argued in my mind, until the salacious thoughts sought dominance in my mind and my body worked to a crescendo to win the battle.

Pizzicato.

I sat on the couch, looking at the views of Boston but all I could think about was her. Her naked body, responding to my touch, the dulcet tones that I knew would get louder as I caressed her breasts and worked my way down. The way her breath would hitch as my fingers made contact with her core. The thoughts were making me painfully hard and I started to rub myself. The music from tonight’s opera and my imagination of me fucking Casey into oblivion was a perfect symphony. I imagined her reaching her climax as the music in my mind reached its crescendo and at the climax, I experienced a hard but sweet release. The high lasted several minutes but once it was gone the cycle of regret, the cycle of reasons of why I should and could not started. The cycle this night was so vicious that sleep did not come. So he sat there, in darkness enduring the cycle.

Dulce.

Morning mercifully came. He went to the hospital early. The results were ready. The results quietened his mind about Casey. Naveen had only one month left. The shock that he had failed his long term mentor, friend, adopted father settled in slowly. This was the second person this year that he cared deeply about and was going to lose. He knew Delores was no one's fault but it was still someone he could not save. He was mulling in his misery when he was distracted by a noise on the computer. It was an email from Harper advising that there was to be an investigation into the circumstances of the death of Mrs Theresa Martinez. Ethan was not surprised but then he was angry, a third person for whom he gave a damn about was going to be lost to him. He eventually made his way out of his office to work. He was on autopilot until he came across Casey. He knew she needed him as her mentor but today was not the day. His mind was still replaying the events of the night before, coupled with everything with Naveen and the investigation, well all he did was walk away and slam the door in her face. He was then mad at himself for hurting her but he knew that any involvement with him was going to hurt her more long term.

“It is for the best” he kept telling himself all day and even when he arrived home but the thought did not stay. The why is wrong when it feels so right grew to a crescendo to again he had no choice but to relieve the tension and walk through the cycle of guilt again. He fell into a troubled sleep and awoke. He went to the hospital and saw her. How he wanted to greet her more affectionately but all he could do is tell her the results and ask if she could be there when he tells Naveen that he had failed. She agrees to come and Naveen takes the news surprisingly well. We see him off and she hugs me. I was in so much emotional tumult that I kissed her gently. At that moment I needed to give her the best chance of survival and that meant removing myself from the situatuon. I head in and quit and walk away, from the one place where I had gambled and lost everything that was near and dear to me, at least this way I thought, Casey would have a chance of still being able to practice.

——-/

Authors note: I have written post opera from Casey’s perspective. That fic can be found here.

I decided to use some musical terms because it is the opera and it fit.

Pizzicato is to pluck with your fingers, obviously seen on sheet music for stringed instruments.

Dulce is to play softly and Crescendo means to get louder.

I hope you have enjoyed this little indulgence.

Tagging: @jerzwriter @cariantha @genevievemd @liaromancewriter @potionsprefect @tessa-liam @crazy-loca-blog @bex-la-get @a-crepusculo @alj4890 @zealouscanonindeer @jamespotterthefirst @lucy-268 @schnitzelbutterfingers @binny1985 @choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics @youlookappropriate @socalwriterbee

[maskedteaser]

hii i just saw the rdr2 matchups you did and i love them AND HOLY SHIT APEX FAN‼️‼️ i love how detailed you are!! love your writing!! so if ur not too overwhelmed with requests id like to make one :3 and honestly if ur doing matchups for apex id love that too there's so little apex ffs, especially x reader </3 no pressure tho!!

anyways as for me. uhh. i don't use labels (aside from being asexual) but am pretty masculine in gender, and my love is for any gender. my pronouns are he/him :3

more about me,, im vegetarian, my favorite animal is the octopus, im chronically ill & disabled, which means i have chronic pain and have pretty bad sleep (literally writing this at 10 am after not being able to sleep all night) but despite that i have a weird paradox where i am kinda strong? like i can pick ppl up. but can't have much activity for a long time lest i cast spell 200 bpm on myself. but for the sake of the ff i could totally bench press arthur morgans 180lb of pure muscle. its true <3

in apex i main wattson and bloodhound! but i also like crypto, octane ofc (who doesn't), loba, and... im sorry.. wraith 😭 i got wattsons heirloom after. a very long time of opening packs AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH no regrets!! french girl with giant nessie plush!!!!! tho i haven't played in forever (and honestly may keep it that way with how much they're nerfing bloodhound.. like.. c'mon man.. not my main.. they've already been nerfed so much 😭)

i recently started playing rdr2 cause im visiting family that has it (theres actually been a lot of funny stories being on an unfamiliar console, like playing 22+ hours and reaching chap 2 without knowing how to save.. and i didnt know how to tell arthurs weight so i kept him underweight for so long my poor starving man </3) after playing rdr1 quite a bit. i also vibed with john hard in 1 but i lowkey thought he was an angsty young adult in rdr2 and not a FATHER. my favs are arthur and javier tho i can barely see the latter cause where tf is he on the map?? same with charles where IS HE??? but anyways i also vibe so hard with kieran.

tho i could talk forever about my interests, other than that for personality: id describe myself as actually kinda confident around strangers, i love to compliment ppl i come across. for friends, much of the same, i like using improv as humor if that makes sense, ive been told im easy to talk to, i consider myself intuitive (also contributed to me being a tarot reader i believe), but i am the type to have a veeerryy hard time expressing negative feelings im having, and never crying in front of people, so no shortage of bottling emotions. im also rather rigid on cleanliness and WILL start tweaking if me/my space goes too long w/o cleaning. i really, really care about people (i would want to be a paramedic!! if my body could allow it..) and i so want to make peoples lives better!! but also can rather easily stop people from walking over me, should they try. i care about kids a lot, and get very peeved when other ppl dont know how kids brains work and mistreat them because of such, and cause they just have no respect for children. honestly with thinking like.. about formulating matchmaking requests i never really seem to think about what id want out of a person. honestly, just when someone cares (wow, such high standards) but should the time come, mmmost times im not afraid to make a selfish ask. most. maybe. sometimes. and im very, very empathetic and it SUCKS i take psychic damage every time someone even remotely, even HYPOTHETICALLY feels bad. this is not a virtue.

for hobbies, i like to play video games as you may have guessed, i also like to read (non fiction, classic lit and danmeis especially), make art of all kinds but mainly physical sketches, and im always looking to add more shows/movies to my watched list.

i love to visit restaurants and cafes and interesting places surrounding food!!! my idea of a good time is eating with people, even if its in a crappy chuck e cheese. i love to try new foods (but it's a bit hard since becoming vegetarian), and i love matcha! i also love visiting just interesting places in general. why go to disney when you can see a beautiful spot in nature, or an art exhibit, or a park, or just the lively downtown? but other than that, i love my dedicated space 💗

i dont like rude people. mean people. people mean to kids and animals. bigots. assholes. any synonym for that. but honestly, not much else. there are other things that sure tick me off but can be pretty easily taken care of or compromised for.

i hope i didnt write a damn essay. half of it was geeking out over interests but. im guessing the brainrot is shared. but thank you so much for even reading my request this far!! (*˘︶˘*)

hii! sure thing! i love doing matchups especially when you guys give me lots of details :) let's get to it :) THIS IS NOT PROOFREAD!!! I'M REALLY SORRY FOR ANY MISTAKES!!!

okay, first things first - let me tell you why I didn't choose other characters :)

❝ im chronically ill & disabled, which means i have chronic pain and have pretty bad sleep ❞

Well, I need to be honest with you, I believe that despite your strenght, REVENANT would just make fun of your disability, he would NOT care at all, he'd probably pick on you and be REALLY rude. I hope it's not offensive (i'm sorry if i'm insensitive, it's not my intention), but I know he'd want to offend you. You could actually have a good hate-ship (if you know what i mean), where the only thing you guys do is fight with each other but I don't think that's what you want.

❝ im also rather rigid on cleanliness and WILL start tweaking if me/my space goes too long w/o cleaning. ❞

I'm sorry, have you seen OCTANE'S room? Let me remind you of that...

Can you see what is happening on his floor? This guy would probably drive you insane with how messy he is and I know he wouldn't care if you tried to ask him to clean it up... It would probably lead to many arguments and fights between you :(

❝and im very, very empathetic and it SUCKS i take psychic damage every time someone even remotely, even HYPOTHETICALLY feels bad. this is not a virtue. ❞

I have this feeling that Loba would see you as an easy target to manipulate, she'd think that she could use you after seeing that you feel really bad when someone feels bad, so she'd probably talk about her past a lot around you - trying to make you feel like you need to help her with everything. I doubt that it could work out :( I hope you see my vision and I'm not weirdly delusional with my ideas.

BUT NOW FOR A RESULT... (NGL I HAD A BIG PROBLEM WITH THIS ONE SINCE YOU SEEM TO BE A GOOD MATCH FOR AT LEAST 2 LEGENDS, BUT I DECIDED TO PICK...)

VANTAGE

I feel like you and Vantage could have a really good relationship! You both seem to aim high with your ideals and I just think that you both are really empathetic, a little bit emotional even... You share the love for animals. She has her Echo and she'd probably die for him. Vantage would never let any animal be mistreated when she's watching.

" why go to disney when you can see a beautiful spot in nature, or an art exhibit, or a park, or just the lively downtown? " - I think she thinks exactly the same! She seems to be a big fan of nature and she is an explorer. Born on a cold planet where everything wanted to kill her, she knows that nature can both be beautiful and deadly. She is also really nice, and I think that when she gets closer to someone, she actually CARES, like...A LOT. You'd probably be treated really well. I think that Vantage would be really patient when it comes to you and expressing your feelings, she'd never let you just walk away if she saw that you were upset, I think that communication and trust is a priority in every relationship.

She'd listen to you when you tell her that you have chronic pain and she'd do exactly the things you ask her to do, always trying her best to help you and she'd make sure you're not pushing yourself too hard.

Thank you for reading 👽👽👽

[wario-speedwagon]

Dave and Old Sport Adopt a Kid: Chapter 8

Hello, me again here with chapter 8! And with the longest chapter yet no less! Hope you enjoy, and thanks for the support as always! <3

And this time I want to shout out @p13rr0t for their cute little drawing of Pruny that honestly made me laugh! Thank you so much!

Chapter 1 Chapter 7

And without further ado, full chapter beneath the cut!

Chapter 8

Suddenly the momentum slowed to a halt, and Dave awakened. Ah, when did he fall asleep? After some seconds of waking himself up, Dave glanced up out of the front window. Jack was already at the front door of his house, bags and blankets in arm, fishing his pockets for a house key.

He looked beside him and Pruny was also still fast asleep, head leaning against the car door. His heart melted at the sight–that is, the cavity where his heart should have been did. He climbed out of the car to catch up with Jack.

“I see that you’re unfortunately awake now. Welcome back.”

“What, getting sick of me already?”

“Evening naps are always dangerous for kids. Once you wake up from an evening nap, you'll be awake for hours before you go to bed; it’s always a real headache to deal with.”

“C’mon, Prune’s a good kid.”

“Oh, it’s not her I’m worried about.”

“Ha ha. What would you have done if I didn’t wake up, carry me to bed bridal style?” Dave said perhaps a little too hopefully.

“Good point. I probably woulda just let you sleep there in the car for the night.”

“Mm. Well lucky for ya, I’m ready to collapse right back into the sack as soon as possible.”

Dave was tired, but even then he still took note of how Old Sport clearly seemed to speak earlier as if referring to personal experience, which left Dave wondering again about his background. …No, now wasn’t the time or energy to bring up something like that again.

“...Hey, what's all that extra stuff you got in that bag? I see a toothbrush.”

“Yeah, I bought her some other essentials we'd missed, y'know, in case she would have to stay longer…”

“Weren’t you strapped for cash or something? Did ya ‘lift ‘em after all?”

“Well yeah, I sneak stuff out all the time too, how could I not? It's been hard to get by ever since Walmart stopped accepting Faztokens. But I'm–”

“Woah woah, Walmart used to take Faztokens!?” Dave suddenly shouted very alertly to Jack’s regret.

“A couple years back, yeah.”

“Damn…”

Jack resumed unlocking the door open, so Dave went back to the car to carry Pruny inside.

It made Dave think. The way her light body felt in his hands. Just like all the other ones he disposed of. But this time he had to actually be careful not to wake the sleeping kid…

Boy, it’s a real good thing Dave was an expert on cutting off haunting thoughts like that before they can get to him! Besides, Pruny was different!

Dave carefully closed the busted up car door and, Pruny still cradled in his arms, re-approached the front door step to enter the briefly dark living room that Jack promptly lit up with a switch. The two were consciously trying to stay quiet in her presence.

“Shit, I completely forgot about a pillow,” Jack harshly whispered to himself as Dave went over to gently set her down onto the living room couch. Luckily they seemed successful at not stirring her awake as she seamlessly snuggled into its cushions.

The two then shut off the living room lights and left the girl to her peace as they then took the shopping bags to the kitchen table.

“So what else'd you get her then?”

“Oh– just a toothbrush, toothpaste, some hair ties, and a brush (since I don't exactly use one myself). …Oh, and I nicked this as well for her.” He held it up. “Think she'll like it?”

Dave stretched his neck closer and judged the strange little bottle carefully with a discerning eye.

“Hmm…

…

…What is it?”

“...Huh?”

“What is it?”

“You… don’t know?”

“Is it… edible? It’s not much to drink if so…”

“...”

“...”

“...Oh. ...Oh, this is a delightful twist! If you don’t know what this is, then that just means you’re gonna find out directly once we give it to Pruny!”

“I don’t know that I like the vague threatening tone in your voice…” Dave eyed the red bottle with confused intimidation.

“Nah, don’t worry about it, it’s not a very painful process.”

“Not a 'very–’?”

“Anyway, what are your sleeping plans, Aubergine? I don’t exactly have any spare bedding for you.”

“Oh, uhh, maybe just with you–?”

“Vetoed.”

“That was… the only idea I had to be honest…”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

…

When she came to, the first thing Violet relished in noticing was that she had been the most comfortable she had been in months. Every desire told her to just keep her eyes closed and her mind foggy with sleep, but she had to be sure– sure that yesterday did happen, so she opened her eyes a slit to the mild morning light to confirm this was indeed the orange man’s living room, and that she had been laying flat on his couch–oh, and covered with an incredibly warm, soft navy blue blanket!

And so she faced an internal battle: wanting to get up and satiate her new curiosities while wanting to stay warm and sleepy in her blanket’s heavenly embrace. She continued to sit with this dilemma under closed, tired eyes...

But she finally decided that her curiosity wins out.

Lightly opening her eyes, she saw that grandfather clock that she rather liked. It read 7:47. Violet enjoyed the pendulum’s dedicated repetition back and forth as her gaze meditated on it for a good minute or two.

...Until she noticed something purple on the floor nearby her.

That purple guy–Dave–was sprawled on the floor asleep in a position no more natural than if a Raggedy Andy had been unceremoniously dropped onto the floor. He didn’t even have a blanket or anything… Well, at least the floor was carpeted.

Getting up from her comfort felt like a crime; but Violet was being exposed to a lot of that lately, so emulating her new—

–Her train of thought halted. ...How should she finish that sentence? Calling them her captors might be the most accurate, but she only ever felt “captured” in the first couple hours of meeting them before she started to realize that maybe she had just wildly misinterpreted their intentions at first... that maybe sticking with them might be a better bet than what she’d been doing for the past several months…

But the word she wanted to use for them… it felt too presumptuous.

Well! Enough daydreaming, time to wake up and explore this house while they’re still asleep! So tiptoe-ing around the mangled pile of purple limbs on the floor, she headed first for the kitchen!

...

The dishes from last night were still awaiting washing in the sink and the table was not cleared of crumbs from their grilled cheese last night, but otherwise it was a perfectly fine kitchen. Naturally the first place Violet checked was the fridge to see what kind of snacks Jack usually had, but she didn't expect such disappointment upon opening it.

The full-sized fridge was mostly empty if not populated by some yogurts, cheese slices, a half used stick of foreign butter and a loaf of bread (that had some specks of something green in it...?). And in the door were just some bland looking soda cans…

Well enough of that, where else could she raid? But her attention was immediately redirected to a cute doggo! Or rather, a framed picture of one hung on the wall. She didn't know her dog breeds very well, but she was enamored with its pointy little ears and dark purple fur– er, huh… She could have sworn she saw that it was a dark purple color at first, but it was just a regular blonde color. Weird.

Opening drawer after drawer for interesting things, she only got mildly interesting junk at best like Freddy's trinkets or a popped balloon dog or a taser, but otherwise it was mostly random cigarette packs, loose change, pens, Faztokens… Violet very quickly decided to head to a new, hopefully more interesting room instead.

But this small house didn't have many other places to explore. There was a second bedroom, but that didn't have much of note upon entering as it was half-empty: a desk with minimal desk stuff on it… most interesting were some unopened cardboard boxes she found in the closet that were still taped shut. Strange. They were simply labeled ‘Kennedy Stuff’ in marker, whatever that really meant. She'd love to rifle through all their contents and find out if it weren't for the tape stopping her. For now…

Well, given she'd already spent time in the bathroom last night, that left Jack's room. She debated if she wanted to sneak in quietly and risk waking him and getting caught. She slowly opened the door just a crack to peek inside…

And she saw the messy bed was empty. No one was in that room.

Now she wasn’t sure if she wanted to take the opportunity to explore Jack’s room or to first ascertain where he even was.

She decided to go search the bathroom next instead.

So she opened the bathroom door and–

*gasp*

“Bejesus, you scared me!” Jack blurted startled with a hand over his chest. But then self-awareness quickly kicked in since he quickly turned away from Pruny in a way that failed to be casual.

And Violet knew why because the man she accidentally interrupted looked ghastly and frankly terrified her at first glance. But she understood quickly what he was in the middle of doing and why from the open orange jars at the sink he’d just been using.

Jack, recovering from being caught off guard, turned back to at least somewhat face her, one hand at his cheek as if it would help hide it. He said something to her, but she didn't know what, with his hand blocking his mouth–

And only growing more awkwardly flustered, he abruptly jerked his hand down away from his face as if reading her mind.

“Sorry, you, uh… You're up early aren't you? Caught me in the middle of my makeup–”

But that filled Violet with some excitement as she rushed toward the sink to see it.

“O-Okay then–” Jack stepped back mildly bewildered to give her space to indulge in her sudden fascination.

And oh boy was there a lot of it!! Just whole jars of orange stuff, though it seemed cheap. And looking back up at Jack again, he seemed to have gotten to his forehead, under-eyes and part of his left cheek so far with how it's bright orange contrasted with the rotten, grey-ish maroon rest of his face and neck as well as the hands and– Violet then noticed that along his arms–both of them–were deeply indented, discolored gash lines running down them. She had so many questions, and she didn't know what the appropriate way to feel should be– and then suddenly she realized she'd been just staring at his rotten skin for seconds too long, and it was her turn to look away sheepishly.

Jack's arm then reached for another dab of makeup to slather onto his face, his attention returned back to the mirror again. She quickly saw that this guy was not very good at this, at least not compared to how her street friend showed her how they did it. Unfortunately, she’d never done it for herself, so she couldn’t show Jack how to do it better if she wanted to.

At the rate he was going… How long would this take? Did he do this every morning? Would it be weird if she just watched him put on makeup for a while? It’s not like there was anything better to do right now, now that she was well awake, and his face admittedly made her morbidly curious–

“By the way, just for future reference, it’s good manners to knock before entering a bathroom if the door’s closed,” he said while continuing to smear orange streaks across his cheek. She nodded in acknowledgement. The thought didn’t even occur to her since she wouldn’t hear an answer if there was one anyway.

Violet picked up an orange jar to look at it closer to give her a more polite thing to stare at instead. Orange, huh? It seemed to be from some company that specialized in costume makeup and such. She turned immediately as Jack started talking–

“--’re wondering why orange, huh? It was the only color they were practically begging to get rid of. Well, the best of a couple colors; the other options were even worse if you can imagine.”

Violet opened the jar to observe the texture of its contents–

“--free to try some on. If you’re bold enough, that is.”

She swiped some of it onto her fingers and smeared it across the back of her other hand. The orange comically contrasted very gaudily against her purple skin.

“Oh, sorry, you probably came in here for a reason. Did you need to use the bathroom?”

She shook her head. She was just being nosy.

“Well, either way, if you wanna freshen up, I got some stuff for you last night!”

He stopped mid-application of makeup to head out of the bathroom to get something–

–when he opened the door, a purple figure was standing right there, quickly realizing he was caught eavesdropping.

The half-orange man groaned a deep, exasperated sigh, loud enough that even she could hear it well.

“Dave, are you unacquainted with the concept of privacy?”

“Why hello there old sports! You’re looking, uh, dashing this morning…?”

“Dave, I thought you were the kind of person to sleep in late? What are you doing up at 8 in the morning?”

“Well, I DO sleep in late, given I have a half-decent bed to sleep in!” he retorted pointedly. “‘Sides, I heard you talkin’ in there, so I wanted to know what I was missin’ out on!”

“This kind of thing is exactly what I was afraid would start happening…”

“You’re pretty good with kids by the way!”

Jack just blankly stared back.

The statement hung in the air unanswered for a few too many seconds until Jack pushed past Dave for the kitchen.

Jack picked up the grocery bag. “Anyway: here Pruny, we got you some extra things. Look, toothbrush and toothpaste, some hair ties–” Jack handed her the bag and with elation, she ruffled through it to see the contents for herself.

“So how’d you get to be so good with kiddins anyway?” Dave added with no subtlety.

"...I'm really not, Dave, believe me."

"Nonsense! You got her warmed up to ya like-"

“Now Pruny, why don’t you ask Dave to tie your hair up while I go finish up in the bathroom?”

“I dunno, I think you’d probably be much better at that than I would, old sport!”

“Well, there’s no better way to improve than to practice then, is there? I can’t do everything for her, y’know.”

“But I’d need someone more experienced to show me how first!”

“Figure it out yourself! It’s really not that complicated to learn, Pruny could probably even teach you I bet!”

“Out of curiosity, where’d you first learn how to do it? You didn’t have long hair to tie yourself in your younger days, did you?”

This drawn out back and forth was getting more and more passive aggressive. Violet was starting to not like it.

“Dave, remember when I asked you to drop the issue last night?”

“And what issue was that again? You’ll have to remind me.”

“No, I’m not a parent!" Jack snapped. "I just had a little sister, now will that shut you up?”

“A sister!” Dave’s insufferable cheekiness suddenly gave way to genuine, delighted interest as he pestered a retreating Jack who was ignoring him again. “Now I’m even more curious! What was she like!? Were you guys close!? What’s her name!? Why don't you talk about her-”

The bathroom door closed in front of Dave, halting his onslaught of questions.

“Fine then, keep your secrets!” Dave retorted nonchalantly.

Violet could tell Jack regretted saying anything at all. But she also couldn’t deny having her curiosity piqued as well. A guilty part of her was hoping Dave would eventually drag an answer out of him too, though she felt equally bad about Jack being put in a bad mood again. Dave seemed to have a talent for that, didn't he?

“Well then! Pruny!” He turned back to Pruny with a smile that changed the topic. “Let’s have a go at this hair business, eh? You think that hair’s long enough for a braid?”

Pruny didn’t even know how to do a braid herself, and she seriously doubted Dave did either, despite his newfound confidence.

(Chapter 9) ->

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FANART! :D

Thanks again to @p13rr0t for the awesome drawing, it has lived rent free in my head for a while since I first received it from them <3

[mariesocuniverse]

Byeol’s Relationships: Maknae Line

HanByeol

You know how people say jisung is Chan’s first kid? Yeah that

the same thing basically goes for byeol as well

As much as they clown each other jisung really values her opinions and always asks for it

Whether it be music, lyrics or anything else he always asks Byeol for her opinion

he hasn’t told her this before but he tried writing a song for Byeol to sing solo but he’s too shy about it

also another person she forces to go to bed bc 3racha can wait i’ll fight you all myself if i have to

She’s the sister he never knew he wanted

he gets really sad whenever he does something that disappoints her and doesn’t want her to have that facial expression again

he also very much is very greedy whenever he wants byeol’s love and affection

like what do you mean hyunjin is her favorite? that’s a lie

very clingy and likes to hug and hold her hand whenever they’re going somewhere

he denies it but jisung gets very pouty whenever he doesn’t get enough attention

you know thats ppl who go “Byeoooooooooool” when calling someone? he’s like that

byeol pretends to be annoyed but hasn’t done anything to stop it so everyone knows shes lying

ByeoLix

byeol literally had to do a double take when she heard felix speak for the first time bc that face and voice did not match upon first glance

after that tho?

sun can’t compare with how much these two shine

she didn’t know what it was about Felix but she immediately wanted to become friends with him on sight

she wasn’t surprised at all when felix befriended chan even though chan had his whole dark and edgy persona

Byeol likes to call him her personal energizer

One time he made her brownies when she was on her period and she cried

They’re just so soft with each other it’s so sweet

She was so heartbroken when he got eliminated and needed a moment to take a break

She once again wanted to fight jyp when he came back

sometimes when he speaks english she repeats after him in tiny

Felix’s family jokes that she might be a lost Lee sister that they never knew they had and one of felix’s sisters said byeol might be replacing them

in another world, Lee Byeol would be the biological sibling to Felix

although she’s still very much like family to him even though not by blood :D

he’s very much the person who would go out and be like “Oh noona would like this” or “this reminds me of noona”, etc etc

they both have sections in the rooms of stuff they’ve both for each other

they giggle so much whenever they’re together its honestly so adorable

SeungByeol

this guy right here

Surprisingly these two were very awkward when they first met

Seungmin thought Byeol had a certain aura to her that intimidated him so he felt a little uncomfortable

Byeol did her best to make him feel comfortable while also trying not to push boundaries

But it worked!!!

Sometimes Byeol jokingly says she regrets it bc now?

This boy takes any opportunity to tease her without fail much to her dismay

one little mistake and it wouldn’t be missed by this little shit

seungmin is literally “i can be your angle or i can be your devil” to her

but its all in good fun so she usually lets it go

top tier banter with the two of them and sometimes they don’t stop until someone pulls them apart

he called her cringe once and byeol has never felt more offended in her life

he really is the annoying yet endearing younger brother byeol didn’t know she wanted

whenever seungmin records byeol likes to sit in the recording room and listen bc she likes his voice a lot

seungmin thinks that the two of them have a nice mix of voices and want to do a cover together with jeongin

he likes hearing her sing and play piano bc its calming to him

just a typical sibling dynamic

JeongByeol

Byeol’s baby!

She just has the urge to love and take care of the boy you know?

Does he take advantage of it? Depends on the day

byeol always make sure that jeongin is okay and that he knows he’s talented and worthy of being in the group and debuting

she always has this proud look on her face whenever he’s singing

she ruffles his hair and pinches his cheeks a lot like a grandma

sometimes byeol’s sister likes to joke that he’s basically replacing her as the younger sibling

its not yang jeongin anymore guys in lee jeongin

he accidentally called her mom once and everyone could not stop laughing for a whole five minutes

byeol is like an emotional pillar for jeongin to lean on whenever he needs to talk about anything

he’s the youngest so byeol knows that he needs to be taken care of 

she makes sure his voice is always heard during interviews and hypes him up during variety shows

jeongin also returns the favor by doing things like pulling her away from crowds whenever she gets too far

she’s very much someone he looks up to bc he knows how difficult it is to be in this type of group

he has the mindset of “if its this hard for me, it must be harder on byeol” so he does his best to help byeol even if its the tiniest bit

[qvissvmi]

I reincarnated as a side character in my favourite novel to prevent the villain’s death!

Chapter 1

Cicilia and I wandered through the busy streets. The lanterns were decorated with festive flowers, traders announced their goods every time we walked by and cheerful folks danced on the market place. It was the kingdom’s founder day when the king blessed this land with freedom and independence. This celebration lasted for a whole week.

„Stay close to me, sweetie.“

„Okay.“

We stopped at a small shop in a deserted back alley. Who would ever find this? The owner should seriously consider moving the location if he wants to make profit.

„I have some business here with the shop owner. Can you wait here for me?“

„No problem.“

„It won’t take long!“ Cicilia shouted from the back as she followed the owner.

I inspected the shop out of boredom. Some necklaces with colourful stones, several jars with preserved monster limbs and bones and lots of potions in display. It seemed like this shop sells magical items.

Suddenly I heard shouting from the outside.

„Leave me alone! I don’t have your belongings!“

„Don’t fucking lie, you little brat! I’ll make you pay with your body, when I get you!“

„Someone…please-!“

My blood pumped faster as I heard the panicked steps and angered stomps rushing by the door. I scanned the shop for anything helpful. In the end I grabbed some potion bottles and leave in a hurry. There was no time to think. My body moved on its own. I swore to myself that I will live this life without regrets so this is what I want to do right now.

„Give me back the diamond of omnipotence!“

„I tell you I don’t have it! Please listen to me!“

Diamond of omnipotence? I’ve heard that before.

„Kyah!“

„Finally caught you, thief!“

The girl tried to free herself from the man’s grip to no avail.

„I wonder if you hid it under your clothes…“

„Don’t touch me!“

Wait a minute, I recognize this scene. But this is not the time for that!

„Hey! Over here, catch!“

„What?“

As the man turned around, a potion bottle broke on impact with his face making him scream in pain and stumble back. I took the girl’s hand and run away with her.

___________________________________________________________

I was on the way to work until a reckless idiot rammed into my car. Surprisingly, it was a painless, quick death. I don’t remember much of it. To my surprise, it didn’t end there. I woke up in another woman’s arms. Even though I was already looking forward to finally rest from all the stress… is that how the afterlife works? Maybe this dream is a great opportunity for me to do all the things I never had time to in my life. But I’ll really miss my phone, hah…

I’ve been looking forward to read the manga version of my favourite romance novel. It’s about the cheerful heroine Hanna Sapphiere who caught the attention of the duke Marius Hartner with her peculiar but precious behaviour. However, it turns out that she is hiding her curse of her ancestors which prevents her from reciprocating the duke’s feelings. She will pursue love someday, but she and her partner will suffer a tragic end. The curse will continue with their child without fail.

The one who casted this curse was a powerful, resentful dragon who loved a human woman. The dragon was hunted for his blood and its healing abilities. The woman who was Hanna’s ancestor took care of that dragon because of her genuine kindness. But that dragon couldn’t accept the fact that she didn’t love him back. He punished her and her whole bloodline for that „betrayal“.

"If she ever dares to love anyone besides me, they will suffer the consequences!"

Hanna doesn’t want her child to suffer like she did. To break the spell, the heroine seeks out a famous mage named Orion and eventually becomes good friends with him. Until then, she will abstain from catching feelings for the duke. However, little did she know that Orion who was willing to help actually possesses the dragon’s blood and is also falling in love with her. The strong emotions of the dragon in his blood will slowly overtake him which forces Hanna and Marius to kill their best friend before he loses his control over his powers. I could never get over this ending and cried several nights.

„My poor babies didn’t deserve that! They were such a nice trio. Orion was even willing to give up his love for Hanna for the happiness of his beloved friends. It’s just too cruel, huhu…“

There were other plot points about the kingdom’s politics and more, but honestly I was only interested in the trio’s dynamic.

„Now that I live inside my favourite novel’s universe, I should have paid more attention to it…“, I thought to myself after saving the girl from the creep. After we ran, my adoptive mother Cicilia already was looking for me.

„Renee!“

I live with her in a forest cottage outside the capital. She is incredibly knowledgeable in medicine and herbs which she has been teaching me since I was little. Literature and simple algebra were also a part of it. Although some things are outdated for me because I knew better from my previous life. She disliked it when I tried to correct her, but still listened when I did. Sometimes I forgot that a child can’t and isn’t supposed to do some things adults do, so Cicilia scolded me pretty often.

„Why didn’t you call for me?? You could have gotten hurt!“

As always, her scolding was pretty intense but she didn’t take as long as she usually does. Perhaps it’s because the girl shaking right beside me was still holding my hand tightly.

Cicilia sighs. „Anyway, I’m glad you’re both safe. Are you okay, sweetheart? What is your name?“

„My n-name is…Hanna. Hanna Sapphiere“

There was no doubt about it. In that moment the heroine of my most loved novel was at my side. In the original plot she would get assaulted by that man which would explain her fear of touch later. That scene was also a flashback introducing the „diamond of omnipotence“ that will be an important plot point for breaking Hanna‘s curse.

“T-thank you for saving me…”

Hanna then bursted out in tears, maybe from relief or shock. I smiled softly at her in hopes of calming down her nerves.

“I only did what I thought was right.”

I never liked that scene. It only made my blood boil so I feel proud preventing it. I wondered how much this would affect the future though…

“My rascal can be pretty reckless but I admit that she did well.”

Yes, please acknowledge my good deed!

“But no need to ride on your high horses now.”

I pouted.

“This was very dangerous. Please leave this to the adults next time, okay?”

“Okaaay.”

“How should I pay you back? Those potions seem expensive….”

Hanna who has calmed down a bit fiddled with her fingers looking at the ground.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart! I explained the situation to the shop owner already. Just let us escort you back home.”

“Oh…that’s not necessary, Lady Cicilia. I don’t want to inconvenience you any further.”

What Hanna actually meant was that her home was an orphanage and didn’t want to admit that to us. Her background story always hurt to read. Now that it became a reality it’s even more heartbreaking.

“If you want to return the favor…then why not be friends with my daughter Renee?”

“Eh?”, puzzled I look at Cicilia.

“We live in the woods away from the nearest town so she doesn’t have a lot of opportunities to make friends. It doesn’t help that she’s a bit different from her peers either.”

“I am fine the way I am, thank you very much.”

“Yes, yes. Anyway, what do you say, Hanna? Can you do this for us?”

“Um…I’m not sure if i’m good enough…”

Cicilia gave Hanna her best puppy eyes expression.

“…but if Renee is fine with it…”

“I don’t mind.”

“Huh? A-are you sure?”

“As long as you treat me right, you can be my friend.”

In truth, I knew that Hanna in the novel is the nicest person you could meet. Although I wasn't sure how much of the novel translates to this dream. It was better to observe the events unfold without bias. It’s possible that I might have changed the course of the plot already too. Besides, who wouldn’t want to be friends with the person you have always looked up to? I won’t let this opportunity pass!

“You can come to our cottage sometime! I could show you some cool things you can do in the woods!”

Amused and surprised by my enthusiasm she responded, “Hihi, okay then. I look forward to it.”

There it is; her warm smile just like the novel described. It could melt away all your worries at one glance. A desire to hug her dwelled up inside of me. But I barely managed to hold back. Ah, I hope I can keep her safe this time.

[bunnyloafing]

૮ • ﻌ - ა 1

it wasn’t really a matter of who fell out first, it was the matter of who could tolerate longer. the answer in the end was that neither of us could tolerate each other for much longer than was required. they finished the project and i guess that’s where they both thought they’d never see each other again, thankfully. obviously life has its ways of proving us wrong time and time again and when i least expected it (and somehow most needed it), you appeared again. it was kinda like how when you don’t need something, you see it so often everywhere, but when you need it, you can’t quite seem to remember where you last left it. where did they last leave it at? probably throwing empty but sharp and cruel insults to each other. one thinks too hard and it too rigid to want to try to show that he knows basic human emotions. the other thinks with his heart instead of his head, it could be a good thing, but i just don’t see how it could help him in the long run. they both are wrong, if we’re being honest. you can live through life without acknowledging it’s beauty and wonders and you can’t life through life bare feet and without preparation for its cruel and harsh environments. balance, is what we need. but balance means tolerance, balance means peace, balance means being okay with not being okay. and god, that’s hard. so hard, in fact, that we needed to part ways in order to survive. that’s how it felt like anyway. we couldn’t stand each other, we really couldn’t. heartless and so cold that even when we were together as friends, i felt so distant. it pushes people away, you know. being like that. being me though, being so open and vulnerable around those who don’t always ask me to be, is also a form of isolation. throwing myself onto others is scary for them. but i would rather speak my fears of feeling alone to everyone than to actually be alone. now, they live in the same house, their home. it hurts to call it that because in a way, kaveh knows it’s not actually his home. it could have been, if not for the messy and deadly end between them back then. he regrets that sometimes but wouldn’t do anything differently because of his fear. his fear of what they could have been now if he didn’t explode then. what would they be now? where would they be? how funny to think his entire life could have been so different if he had just tolerated a while longer. it kills him inside at night, a wall away, but a galaxy of distance. tells himself he’ll talk to him in the morning, but never really does. it’s not worth it anyway. he assumes too much but that may be the only thing keeping him alive right now. if not for the small part of his mind that tells him to be careful, he wouldn’t be here now. he is so emotional. be careful Kaveh, it can hurt to be deceived, as you may know by now. he’s lonely but at least he’s not alone yet. his friends make life a little better, but the bitter taste in his mouth remains even after they all part ways when meeting at the tavern. it could be the alcohol, he doubts that, but he’s sure it’s jealousy coursing through his blood. why do they get to live so happily? maybe if he took tighnari’s place, even with all the stress of being so important in the community and taking care of collei and balancing everything, he would be happier. anything would be better than this. ‘this’ doesn’t truly refer to anything in specific, it’s more of like a loop of his life. wake up tired, go to work, come back, work, argue with alhaitham, stay up until the sun shows up, sleep, wake up tired and start again (to be fair, he does sneak in a drink or two whenever given the opportunity). it’s fine for now. tolerance is what kills them both, but the balance is what brings them together. kaveh wouldn’t change anything of what he did because if he would have done things differently, he’s scared of the results in doing so. would a ‘sorry’ from both of them kill them? maybe that was all he needed. but for now, he can repeat doing whatever he does forever. he will get out of this one and soon, out of haithams mind (or so he thinks).

i didn’t check this for spelling mistakes sorry

[jeffbytes]

posting a gush of a different kind on here 🤭 cute little exposition story for my self ship absence cus they dont use tumblr so im freeeee to be as mushy as i want on here muhahahaaa it's long and sappy and emotional and awaauuggfhhh

i've found the one yall. THE ONE. i've barely felt any self shippy feelings since March, since i opened myself back up to my old 2021 flame and we reignited what was, but 20,000 times better. i cannot begin to describe my feelings,, but i will certainly try

we had a, not so much a relationship in 2021 but we were definitely heading down that path together. i was really insecure, i didn't feel like i deserved her, for all the same reasons i'll get to later, and our time difference and her job put a lot of strain on our contact. this made me make the worst decision i ever made in early 2022.. to call things off with her. i dont remember much of that year now, it was one of the worst i'd had, sitting in regret and misery, trying to fill the hole, wondering why on earth i gave up the best thing i ever had. i realise now that my insecurity made me always need more from our connection to make me feel like i was worth it, that i was always asking too much and adding pressure bc i didnt feel secure if i didnt have that extra time, that extra reassurance, that extra "proof" that i was really worth her time. i made her feel like she wasnt enough when she did so much for me and was so valuable to me and my life. i was so caught up in my own self doubt that i was totally blind to it. the realisation i'd made her feel that way when i care so so deeply about her, it was a devastating revelation and one i have been working on deeply ever since. i thought with all this, there'd be no hope for us again in the future and our story was very much a closed book.

then this year came around.

i had a peak moment of feeling as though i'd hit rock bottom with no way back up, and had a full scale emotional breakdown in February that very nearly ended me. despite me ghosting her for what i thought was "the best thing for her" and being off and distant, avoiding her contact and trying to keep myself at arms length to try and do good for her i assumed in my head - she still DMed me that day, and told me that i still had value in her life and that she wanted me to still talk to her and call her. that fear of her life being better off without me speaking to her was in fact false, and we reconnected again on those grounds, started calling again, found a new rhythm and a new schedule.

our very first call after nearly a year, it was like old times and no time had passed. we still laughed the same and flowed perfectly. she told me of a trip she'd been saving for that fell through, and we joked that the trip to the UK she'd planned with me all that time ago could still be a thing - she ends up booking a flight that same call. and i instantly realised the problem with my enthusiasm and her asking me "is this ok, can i come and stay?" there was a minor problem, absolutely

i realised during these next few calls that my feelings for her never truly went away. i did try, i realised i connected so hard to Clementine and my ship with her as the accidental parallels to my previous were so stark. Jeffentine became so important to me because it was the happy ending i never got to have in that same scenario, or so i thought. i mean obviously the ship bloomed into more and its own thing over time but that foundation, that reason Jeffentine became so core to me i realise was not just because i loved Clem so much, but because i never stopped loving the person Clem was filling in for, no matter how much i tried to convince myself i had and fill the void with self ships and trying to move on by speaking to new people. it was part of the reason i hated seeing anyone else with Clem, besides the obvious - it was like seeing a stranger taking that happy ending away from me. it was during this period i had that afformentioned realisation that it was very likely my insecure behaviours and my added pressure that drove us apart, and with all of these things combined, i was being torn apart. it was hard enough thinking there'd be no avenue back together due to the time difference, but adding on that it was my behaviour that contributed to that, i thought there was absolutely no way.

i swallowed my pride, i called with her one morning in March, and i laid all my cards on the table. i apologised for the way i acted, the pressure i added to her, the way i made her feel like she wasnt good enough when she tried so hard, and i confessed that i still felt the same way i did back in 2021. to my utter disbelief, while it wasnt immediate (she was not long out of a difficult proximity relationship), she was open minded about our reconnection. i literally..... i could not begin to describe how it felt. how i mourned something for nearly a year, and had this small glimpse of hope.

the topic was to be readdressed later in the year, in her words, and since then we've just been flourishing. i've had one or two moments of doubt that she's reassured me on, but the change has been so drastic and so amazing. the new schedule navigates the 8hr time difference near flawlessly. we've got this brilliant fun dynamic and can talk together so easily, have comfortable silences or long incoherent NPC like babbles. we've both fallen asleep together on calls (not at the same time obvs with that time diff) she sends me mail, comforts me in all the many times of need i've had since due to medical problems, i love to listen to her stories and about her day, it's like 2022 never happened and we've been cheeky bouncing little cute romantic gestures now and then even though that topic wasn't supposed to come back til later in the year 🤭 we're both asexual (aego) and feel totally comfortable around each other knowing neither of us wants to tread any line of discomfort cus ultimately we both want the exact same thing, and have all the same preferences, to the point it's uncanny how fitting we are.

we're waiting until her trip to the UK in December to see if we're making things official -there's a lot of serious discussion that'd need to be had with me very emotionally and medically attached to the UK, but for now we're just living in the present and having fun and enjoying each others company and we'll worry about whatever else when the time comes. while i'm still insecure a lot of the time, it no longer manifests in needing something to negate it, i manage it on my own with the techniques i learned through CBT, and she boosts my confidence so much with her kind words and her actions. i open my eyes more to these things and use them to help navigate my insecurity, taking comfort in what is already right in front of me, knowing that if i wasn't good enough or wasn't the one, those things would not exist, those words would not be said. i'm so incredibly lucky and grateful for this second chance and i'm going to nurture this opportunity with all the love and self growth i can, in the hopes it will eventually hatch into the first relationship i've had in 6 years, and the first one i can actually genuinely call love.

because i do. it's not the right time to say the L word to her yet, that'll come when the time is right - but i'll say it here. i love her. i know it, it feels so genuine, i've never felt this way about anyone before in my life. not a single previous partner gave me this same sense of feeling like i'm on the right path in life the path that fate intended, and my destination is her. her laugh is so sweet and her personality is so peppy and confident and enthusiastic, shes got a brilliant sense of humour and a very sharp mind. she's serious when she needs to be but also very playful and silly. she's responsible, the perfect balance of childlike wonder and mature levelheadedness. she's immensely caring in her own unique love language that's unlike any other i've seen, there's no single category it seems to fall under as she covers so many bases with her gestures of good will, her kind words, the behaviours and things she will do for me that shows me she cares in her own personal way.

shes STUNNING. shes very self conscious of her appearence sometimes but man, i wish she could see what i see. shes positively radiant. her hair falls in the perfect way without even trying, her fashion sense is so well coded and falls so well on her perfect shape, her california dazzling smile and her sick piercings and her lovely tattoos and oh my gosh, her eyes. theyre the most beautiful sparkling ones ive ever seen, the most oceanic shimmery blue 💙

i'm so beyond enamoured with every single thing about her. there's not a single thing i would ever change about her, besides perhaps putting her in an L postcode because i want nothing more than to be by her side. i want her to be here, to be safe from terrible American healthcare and insane rent prices, the wildfires and earthquakes and pumas and sharks and whatever bloody else her state wants to put her in danger with. i want her to have the nice mild weather she craves, the cool breezes and the rain and the snow. i want to show her the world, and bring her to a safe haven here in the UK where she can always feel loved and always feel as perfect as she is, where she can access healthcare without having to worry about the cost, where she can live comfortably and financially secure, where she would never have to fear driving again with a solid public transport system, or getting to be the passenger princess forever (i've gone on record saying i will absolutely learn to drive to achieve that, i would be her personal 2002 ford focus chariot 😭💀) i know it's too early to say but i know that if she wanted to as well, later down the line, i feel like i've found the person i would love to spend the rest of my life with. settle down, let her have any dog she wants in a nice large house in Merseyside, take them for walks in Formby, travel Europe together now it'd be right on her doorstep, go and see all the old castles and architecture she loves and just feel at peace knowing neither of us would ever have to be scared or fearful of the one we love ever again. i hope to achieve even just a fraction of this during her first two week visit, to show her all the beautiful places in the UK, to show hercmy home of Liverpool, and how welcoming, friendly and picturesque it is. to welcome her into my flat and have her feel so comfortable and safe and happy that it ends up feeling like an extention of her own home too. i wanna see the wonder in her beautiful eyes as she takes in this whole new world she's never experienced before, and be the man to show her these things, and show her the true meaning of trust, love and companionship.

i'm not scared anymore.

i'm a domestic violence survivor, who thought i would never be attracted to anyone ever again, in any way at all. i fear nothing now. being in my home, sharing my bed, sleeping beside each other, all things i once feared that i'm now extremely hopeful for. she's helped me learn to love again, and one day she'll know this. but for now, it's just a silly lil tumblr post :) ❤️

[timjohns3rd]

:/

Sigh...you visit my dreams way too much..which opens up my self inflicted wounds.. First I dont want you think Im playing a victim as i know Im not...I deserve everything that I get....and Im posting this to let it get to you this time...cause for myself I need to to get things out and not hold it in..and I guess its for me to say good bye too.. you are right what I did was unforgiveable... I shouldnt have let Angie manipulate me, nor say some stuff (other stuff they still found on their own like IG and then cornered me with it).. As much as I wanted a family...it was 100% wrong.  know that I never once have lied to you..except trying to hide a gift or something.  You were my best friend...greater than any I have had...even to the point it made some friends jealous.. there were times yes I wanted to be with you...and even had that dangled or held over me by others...but more than not..I was afraid of losing the friendship...THAT I wanted to keep no matter what and would never have traded it for anything even being with you...the whole stuff with Tim did 100% take its toll on me mentally even to the point where he ruined vacations etc... like I said...I didnt know Jon...and it didnt seem like at first he wanted to know me or like me..I misjudged him a ton...which I why i I snapped in Ohio..with how they were treating him, you, nikki, and I...and I realized how much I was used some... I should have been stronger before hand...but I got to know him and regretted it... I did badly want to tell you...and wanted to bring it up many times...but again that fear of losing you as my best friend was so strong...I am sorry to Jon for thinking he was going to be another Tim..and misunderstanding some of the lifestyle and I know I can never make it up to him..I was trying by trying to get closer...but deep down...it made my guilt worse..hence why I pushed away some too from both of you... I am sorry for letting my mental health get so out of control and into break downs to do things bad before...and before the friendship ended...I was and still have afraid to deal with it...but I am doing it harder...at least the way a former friend would want me...its rough...and I have to visit old wounds but i am doing it... Daryl is going to contact you at some point to get the grids from you...he will contact you on his own...and when he gets them, he will be without me I want to thank you for everything you ever did for me (and when the settlement gets finalized...I will be paying you back the money I owe you too)...  without you I wouldnt have ever enjoyed getting lost in the woods, I would have never flew, never been to vegas (and even then I tried to respect the Tim relationship), never would i have visited another country or a cruise, tattoo, learn to enjoy life, learn to love again and try dating so many times, you helped me at my lowest.. you were my rainbow to smile...you were worth working hard for the friendship...I know you cant ever forgive me right now..if ever...and I accept and understand that...I hurt you...and i can never forgive myself..I offer my sincere apologies on everything I hold dear...including my mother... and here I say....Goodbye Karen...I too wish you all the best in your life...and hope you get everything you ever want...I just dont want the dark cloud I caused to be something to shadow you forever...and you can heal from my hurt and betrayal...I know my your door to me is closed and nailed shut...but mine to you will forever be unlocked if you ever need it... but please keep doing the best you are  in life...I know as my best friend...I truly did care and love you...you have made changes in someone so much that helped them more than you know... Goodbye Karen 

[hand-painted-5tars]

hey, its the hottest spring, speudo-summer i might say. i am considering retaking journalling just because i have the hunch it would do wonders to my mind. drawing is too doing wonders to my mind, both simultaneously creating and allowing some information, ideas relief.

i am 24, writing to an old voice, from a website i barely touch but that craddled my dreams when i entered college. and now after eons im here, i do come here sometimes to just talk to you like this, but i do still come sometimes, the same way you pop on my mind sometimes, lighthearted, not always good, but always lovingly. so im here. 4:30pm still working hours but im on lunch break. i work home. extra time i waste because my organizing skills have always been bad and i heard it has a name and im not medicating propperly for it, but then again i never have and ive come this far. so once again, track lost and refound, im here. 24, sitting at home working, drenched in sweat because the weather is awful, but in front of me theres my keyboard, my screen and to my side its the box i set up yesterday, my first and very own CPU. its black, tall and the left side has a pannel that allows me to see the fans spin and the silver of the processors resistance. something i always wanted when i was a child. a real gamer cpu, bought with my own money, and something i wasnt expecting. assembled throught my own hands. i know i shouldnt celebrate departures but in this case i cant help but being way too happy. way too giddy. y' know the way my head just gets stuck on things and wont let go till a big dawn. i hadnt realized how much i was missing, (a pity my brain just wouldnt let go) being entirely obsessed with several groups and such. uh yeah. the posters are there and the albums are too, but i dont burn like i did, desperate to know what did the kpop boys i like this round do today. they seem to be busy, thats good but its as good as i care, i dfidnt realize until i left how in most cases it felt like it didnt quite fit.

now im back on games stuff, its like i should have come here before, you know i knew i would have enjoyed it, their approach, this peoples approach to art is much freer, much more experimental and interesting and i could cry on how well it feels, not just to see things i think about appreciated but finding people who seem to be on that same wavelength. not that i dont appreciate the time, not that i dont love dearly everyone the past around 8 years gave me. i am just simply overjoyed in what i find today. i guess in the end everythings a phase, beginning and end entirely important. how i enter and how i end, what i got in the process its whats really important. i feel youd get it. but more importantly, and the most importantly is that their approach to art reignited mine in a way i hadnt seen in years, that nothing, nothing ever came close to do in the past decade since after you passed. maybe bts came close, but that only solidifies a subject above that has to do with themes and experimentation of art. but back on track. many times last year and in the past few years i was considering jsut leaving art, wanted to rip it off me. wanted off so i wouldnt disappoint myself every single time i tried and tried and failed, knowing i could be normal if i let go something i was never gifted and pretending would just burn me all over. the whole process has been like trying desperately to bury a living thing and hoping it stops coming out. every feet of dirt i just kept disappointing me further, i kept wishing i could take it all lightly. i was so close to dropping it, entirely.and well the regret the regret of seeing how much does everyone around me with real art careers were improving so much while i was crunching code on websites, most time spent trying to tell myself i could make it without drawing, maybe that will ease me out on the paper. but it never did it never came easier, it became harder and harder, and most times i wanted off as if it never existed in first place. not that i didnt love it i simply convinced myself it would be pointless to put on an effort and be disappointed in the end by the lackluster results i end up giving. im sorry, no amount of eroding edges and softening remove how jagged my insides are, and sorry no amount of regret can turn back time and hone the skills for all the time i lost being afraid, thats always been my pitfall. im sorry i only wanted to make you a drawing to explain how much your art ever meant to me and i never got the guts to truly put you in paper. you have always been the most tender of souls and my lacking hand couldnt do justice. but i think im back now. what i mean is that im back to trying this for real, with the intention of breaking, the intention of what i desperately said i did but i never did. im breaking the bones and instead of burying it im ransacking the fucking grave i guess. it all starts the same place it ends. im back where i was in highschool when i decided my young naive self that i wanted to tell stories through art, obsessed with games and animated series, and you were there too, beautiful, so i thought, i should tell you, because i tell you everything.

and so im back where i started, so much time lost but no regrets i guess. sorry not for dropping the pencil but for the many many times i lied about it. you will have my worse because thats after all the most that could be given, stupid, and worrysome, and unable to stop making all the mistakes i didnt make when i was young and too busying trying to make a daughter my parents would be proud instead of whatever i am so theres so much to pick up. i am to be build from scratch, so much to do, so much rough, so much lack of skills, and so you will have me in all the mistakes and loose ends i left, the splinter in the wood from everything i tore apart and never propperly cleaned, but its all of me, and theres so much to clean here before we can propperly start anew. i will take care of it. anyway, i build a computer from scratch like i wished when i was 14 and i still have some tasks to do for work today, but after that im all yours so if youll have me.

[gloam-eyed-radio-tower]

I'll be like I always am, Feb 26th, 2024

It takes so much out of me to stay in a positive, well as positive as I can be, state. No matter how much I try to fight it, how other people treat me and my current circumstances telling me who I am end up leading me to where I always feared would be.

My friend said one night that there wasn't much to be done about how I ended up as I was mostly wronged by other people my entire life and without rolling out of sweeps of blame there is some truth to that. Id have to add that the wrongdoings of others are the reason I myself made the choices as I did. There is no point in regretting them as I made them when I was a different person from todays me so its only normal to say that Id do everything differently and that things would end up better. I am now just living in a ruin that I have made for myself trying to put cloth here and there, resting on broken pillars, trying to keep myself from getting showered with rain.

Truth be told, I don't know if this is an act or not but I get tired of it sometimes. I try, I know its not enough but I do try and try and try and try and try and try and try but people keep leaving me , people keep treating me poorly then tell me that its not me its them. Please let it be me. I can always change myself, I can always better myself for others, If other people are the problem what can I do. Everybody just leaves and when they are kind it hurts, they are only kind when they need to be. I hate being told I am a good person, if I was good other people would want to be around me. I hate being hugged, I hate people treating me specially just because they pity or worry me, I want someone who wont leave. I keep being the only one that holds on and on and on and on and on with one hand to them and losing the grip on my other one that's looping back like an oroboros holding me by the throat.

Every friendship I have feels like it depends on me trying because other people aren't bothered, I have been alone since I was a child never doing and learning what other kids did and now as an adult I am expected to take care of my grandparents, to have a job and live alone and give something back to society. I know for sure most people would have shattered into more pieces than me.

I just want one person who is truly kind to me, to feel their kindness with my touch and to be able to return the kindness truly myself. I want to be able to work again. I want love to inspire me once more.

[anxiousanteaterr]

therapy sucked the other day and the gross feeling carried over into today. its rough when i dig stuff up bc now i gotta go do my job and exist n shit till my next appointment, and bettering myself is going to be hard when my depression is on high alert bc im in the process of taking the reins from it.

the good thing tho is that im learning more about myself. and a lot of what ive learned is actively playing a role in making me feel bad lmao.

i never really stopped to look at how bad my self confidence was because 1. It hurts. and 2. its... all ive ever known. Its been dog shit for as long as i can remember. From being bullied since middle school and from everything my parents told me growing up. All I know is to be too hard on myself. To ignore taking care of myself emotionally, brush off compliments and not take them, automatically accept insults as the truth, and to just sweep all the feelings under the rug because thats just... what ive always had to do. I even trained myself to punish myself when I try to address it. When I try to take care of myself mentally and to be kind to myself and have hope and pride. Even the most basic shit like "this is a real skill set that i have" is met with a mental block and a deep seated anger that gives me urges to physically hurt myself because im... idk, seeing myself in a positive light?? I can't really let myself feel anything in any decent intensity without immediately punishing myself for it.

And it hurts. And it makes me mad because I know better than that, and I have this intense ache that is begging me to allow myself to feel and just be. To let me feel angry. To let me hold grudges. To let me have regret. To let me forgive. And most importantly, to let me love myself in all aspects. Realizing I was trans and transitioning gave me such an intense high because for ONCE in my life I was truly loving myself in literally any fucking capaicty, and seeing myself in a positive light. So now that part of me (really just my true self) is just so desperate to keep going. To keep opening doors and let myself be human. I keep holding myself back because I was punished so many times as a child to NOT feel. To not defend myself. To not be angry with people. To not laugh too loud or act silly. To not make mistakes. But its just been too much of that. 26 years and im at my fucking limit. My canines are sinking into the metal bars of the cage I locked myself into, and despite the pain I am busting out of this cage. I'm just glad im fortunate enough to actively be in therapy for all of this, so I can safely come out of the cage.

It's also funny bc i realized one of the reasons i act so kind and be nice and friendly is because of how much i deny myself that own kindness. And how much I was denied it by my peers and my biggest support group (my parents) as a child. I hate it when i get angry and snap and lash out because it reminds me of how often I was on the recieving end of that. Hell, I tear up when I see parents yell at their kids at the store. I just don't want anyone to ever experience what I did, so I give and give, and smile and joke around as often as I can because I so desperately wish that I could have gotten the same.

But I am human after all, so I will get angry, and I will lash out. And I will get disappointed. And feel regret. And make mistakes. And I just gotta remind myself that thats ok! I can do these things and feel the full extent of them! Its not the end of the world when it happens. I just gotta learn how to keep it in check so when I do act human, its not blown out of proportion.

Finally, I have to really work on the self-confidence thing of "im not a failure". I'm in a specific situation where literally everyone I know irl who is "successful", has done the basic societal shit: got great grades, went thru college, and is working "a real, professional job". I did -and am doing- none of those things! lmao. And despite me not genuinely regretting it bc its saved me money and stress, its v hard to not let those societal norms make you feel worthless bc youre not fitting into the mold. I also have real bad exectutive function that will most likely go untreated forever, so I have to remind myself to not beat myself up over THAT bc its something i cannot control. I AM doing my best, and it WILL be enough. And life progresses pretty slowly, I have until the day I drop dead to do whatever the fuck I want. I should stick to my guns and take my sweet time.

[crashtestdummy1003]

This is a shit ton of venting, pls scroll past (literally just need to yell this into the void)

I'm not afraid of meeting people. That was never an issue.

I'm afraid of them meeting me. I'm afraid they'll start to know things about me, my interests, my hobbies. And I'm afraid it won't be good enough. What if they just pretend to be okay with me?

I know I'm kind of annoying. And a little cringey. But thats fine, I've embraced the cringe and annoying parts of myself. But when I have to tell someone about something I really, genuinely care about, I always play it down. They can't know that I'm super invested in it because then they'll be able to ruin it for me.

I'm thinking about making a fursuit? No, I'm just a fan of the creativity.

I want to make animation my career someday? No, its just a hobby.

I have comfort characters that literally mean everything to me? No, I just like their designs.

Its worse with feelings. None of my friends know how much I don't tell them. Because if I do ill be that one person in the chat that brings the mood down, ill be the person that makes everything about them. The one that takes everything to heart.

I am so afraid of being myself that I genuinely don't know where the persona my friends see ends, and where the real me begins. I'm kind of terrified that maybe, I'm doing all of this for nothing. These things might not even matter to me on the future.

Even something stupid, (like my posts that are kind of down bad about fictional men, heh) whenever I share it with my friends I immedeitly regret it. I know when they say "Crash, nooo..." they're just joking, but hearing any kind of negative feedback makes my heart feel like somebody is squeezing it until it bursts.

I haven't had anything postive said towards me in a while. I don't want to fish for compliments from my friends, but id like them to notice things about me. My outfit, or my makeup, or even my fucking work. I try so hard with my schoolwork, with my hobbies, things that nobody even notices because I feel like if I go harder, if I do the best I can and outdo everyone else, then somebody will finally notice me. Somebody will say, "Hey, Crash, good job! You did well with that specific thing!"

Figure skating, swim team, drawing, academics, cleaning, work, I just want to be good at SOMETHING. But I feel the harder I try the more I get looked over. Now people only notice when I slip up, but when will they notice me working myself to death to try and stay at the top?

I want to cry, but if I cry then its not going to help anything, is it? I just want to go home, but I really don't know where that is. I am home right now, but I can't even feel safe with my feelings here. I live with people that make it impossible to feel anything without guilt seeping in.

I don't think im okay

And I'm scared. I'm so scared. I'm not even an adult yet, but I'm almost there. I'm so scared.

I want something, but I don't know what it is.

I want to cosplay, go to furry conventions and wear a fursuit!! I want to post my art and have it be seen!! I want to be HAPPY with myself for fucking once. I want to be able to take criticism without CRYING. I want to not feel guilty when I take space from my friends. I want my friends to treat me the way I can never ask them to.

I want more friends. I only have like 3 that would consider me friends back. Everyone else is too cool, too nice, too functional. Trying to talk to them is overwhelming. I WANT to, but if I say anything its never good enough. They don't say it, but I can feel it. And it hurts. I'm not good enough for them.

I want to be normal, I want to be nuerotypical and not be hylerfixated on FNAF and Mario and my own ocs.

I want to be able to clean my room and keep it that way, to be motivated.

I want to practice my craft and learn about myself as a pagan.

I want my parents to show me they love me

They say it, but i don't ever see them show it.

I want a hug.

I want to go home. I want somewhere to call home. My house is my home, but sometimes I don't feel safe. Its not abusive, my parents and siblings never hit me, its not abusive. But I don't feel like I can have my own emotions. I feel guilty. Everyone else is going through something, I'm just getting through highschool.

I'm so scared. I don't think im okay. And I don't know how to fix it. Can I fix it? Am i stuck? Im terrified that im going to feel lile this forever.

Im not suicidal and ive never hurt myself, but id do anything to make this stop. I want to stop existing for a bit. Not die, im scared of dying, but i just.. want to observe. Not feel anything. But i feel SO MUCH and i want it OUT of me. I just want it out and gone. I feel like im full of some kind of liquid, like im going to overflow. Heavy. My mouth is full of sand and my eyes and holding back gallons of emotions. My body is restless but i csnt get evough sleep for it.

I dont wsnt to say i hate myself. But i dont know how else to phrase it.

I dont know how to end this. I doubt anyone's read this far besides myself. Im not posting this for pity, or fame or whatever the fuck. I just CANNOT hold this in anymore. I really cant. Only one person whos ever known me irl follows me here, and he probably wont read this far. He probably wont read this at all, which is fine. Thats why the dni tag is here. I just want this post to drift through time, forever. I'll come back to it eventually, maybe

Or maybe ill delete it.

I feel a little better. Not much in the grande scheme of things, but i feel good enough to sleep, or at least rest without crying.

Goodnight, I guess. Im tired.