#relationship with food because that could be very mentally damaging and in the first reply I didn’t include anything calling him fat or

[tiredsadpeach]

I’m so lost lol

[alwaysmarveling]

When You Try Your Best but You Don’t Succeed...

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

Warnings: Mentions of death

Word Count: 2k

Summary: When your mission goes wrong, Nat’s there to help

“What’s up, Rogers? How’s my girl?” Nat smirked, talking to her friend and coworker through the phone. The heavy sigh she heard on the other end caused her face to drop and her spine to straighten.

“We’re coming back, Nat.”

“Is everything okay? You weren’t supposed to be coming back for another week. Is Y/N okay? Is she hurt?”

“Physically, she’s fine. Just the normal cuts and bruises. Mentally… Nat, there were kids.”

“How many?” Natasha asked, her voice now unreadable.

“Ten. Eight of them made it, but… we couldn’t get to the last two. She tried, but the damage to the building was bad, and… she tried. I had to physically pull her out before she could get herself killed.” Natasha’s arm trembled slightly as she lowered herself down on the sofa in her room, listening carefully to every word coming through the phone’s speaker.

“When will you guys be back?”

“We’ll be back in about an hour. I think Y/N’s sleeping right now, but I’m not sure.”

“Okay,” the redhead nodded. “Thanks for letting me know. Steve,” Natasha paused, “how are you doing?”

“I’ll be okay. It hit her the hardest.” The woman nodded to no one in particular as she played with the end of her hair, her glance not quite meeting the floor.

“Alright. Take care of yourself.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Steve teased. Natasha smirked as she hung up before returning her thoughts to your predicament. Your relationship with the spy was relatively new. The two of you had been together for just about three months now. Before that, you had been close friends, but emotions had never really been a huge part of your relationship. Nat knew you needed her now, though, and she’d do her best to be there for you.

---

“Hi, Steve.” Nat waved at the super soldier as he entered the compound’s living room. Steve gave her a small smile before retreating to his own room to freshen up.

“Hey, ba...” She took in your weary, blood-covered form, the smile she had put on for Steve quickly vanishing. Steve had told her you weren’t hurt, but she was not expecting you to be that bloody or that dirty.

“I’m fine, Nat,” you reassured her, giving her a weak smile. By the time you had finished speaking, she was already there, holding your hands.

“You don’t look fine,” she murmured, brushing a hand over your face before stopping to cup your cheek.

“One shower and I’ll be as good as new,” you tried again, your voice cracking on the last word. “I should go,” you whispered, dropping her hands and rushing out of the room before she could stop you.

---

“Y/N?” Natasha knocked at the door tentatively. “Are you okay?” You sniffed, wiping the tears that were making their way down your face.

“I’m fine,” you called out, turning off the water. How long had you been in the shower for?

“I, uh, I got dinner ready. If you’re hungry.”

“Sounds good, I’ll be out in 5 minutes,” you replied, towelling yourself off. You wanted nothing more than to stay in bed for the rest of the night, but your shower had already been suspiciously long, and you needed to prove to Natasha that you were okay. Well, you needed to make Natasha think that you were okay.

It wasn’t that you didn’t trust Natasha. You were just very aware of how new your relationship was. An invisible force was pushing—or more like shoving—you to let her hold you in her arms and tell you that everything would be okay, but you didn’t want to overstep any boundaries in your relationship. Taking a deep breath, you threw on a light t-shirt and shorts before meeting Natasha in the kitchen.

“Hey, I made your favorite,” Natasha announced as you padded into the room.

“Thanks, you’re the best.” You winced slightly at your response, not sounding quite as convincing as you would’ve liked.

“You sure you’re okay?” Natasha asked gently. You didn’t know about the phone call she’d had with Steve, and she wanted to give you the chance to tell her yourself.

“I’m fine. The mission was just tiring.” Natasha rubbed your arm comfortingly.

“I’m sorry. Maybe we can just watch a movie tonight and cuddle?”

“Nat, I...” you didn’t know how to tell her that you wanted to be alone without sounding off; you never said no to cuddling with her. She tilted her head slightly when you didn’t continue. “Yeah,” you sighed, “that sounds great,” you agreed, spooning some of the food into your mouth.

“I’m glad you came back early, love. I missed-” You dropped the spoon at her first sentence.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this, Nat.”

“Babe, wait-” You didn’t turn around as you fled the room, not wanting her to see the tears that were streaming down your face.

---

“Y/N,” Natasha sighed. “Please let me in.” Natasha had waited 15 minutes before following you to your room. She put away the food she was sure you’d be asking for later, threw on some pajamas, took two bottles of water from the kitchen, and grabbed her laptop and one of the oversized sweatshirts in her closet for you. All she needed was for you to let her in.

“I’m sorry, Nat, I- I’m really tired, and I think I’m just going to go to bed,” you called through the door. You mentally smacked your forehead at how unconvincing that sounded, your sniffles obviously heard through the door.

“Y/N, please,” she responded softly. “We don’t even have to talk, just… please, let me in?” You sighed, wiping your eyes and smoothing back your hair, trying to make yourself at least a little more presentable. Since she was definitely aware that you were upset, the least you could do was not show her just how upset you were. But when you slowly opened the door and met Natasha’s worried gaze, you couldn’t help but break down. “It’s okay,” she murmured, closing the door softly behind her and wrapping her arms tightly around you. “I got you.” The two of you stayed like that for a while as you just enjoyed the feeling of being in her arms. Her scent and warmth kept you grounded, reminders of all the beauty in the world when you could only see the ugly. When your sobs quieted down, Natasha pushed you away slightly to get a good look at your face.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” she asked softly.

“I- I don’t know,” you hiccuped. Your throat was dry and your voice cracked, but you weren’t focused on that. Nat was, though.

“That’s okay,” Natasha reassured you, squeezing your shoulders. “Here, put this on. And drink some water, okay? And I brought my laptop so we can watch your favorite movie.” You couldn’t tell if your heart warmed or sunk at her actions, and you stared at the sweatshirt and water bottle that she offered you. “Y/N?”

“I don’t deserve this,” you whispered, tears filling your eyes yet again. The redhead sighed, placing her things on the bed before taking your hands up in hers. She pressed her forehead against yours, forcing your eyes to meet her emerald orbs.

“Sweetheart, please listen to me. I know that you want to save everyone, we all do. None of us would be here if we didn’t. But the reality is that we can’t. No matter how perfect we are, how trained we are, or what powers we may or may not have, there’s always going to be people that we can’t save. We’ve known each other for quite some time, yeah?” You nodded slowly, still not meeting her eyes. “Then trust me when I tell you that you deserve this. Hell, you deserve so much more than this. You put 110% into everything that you do, and nobody doubts that for even a second. I wish everything that you did would work out perfectly, but it can’t. You have to forgive yourself for this. Please, believe me, love.” You didn’t respond for a moment, taking the time to wrangle up the billions of thoughts swirled around your head but vanished the second you tried to focus on any of them.

“They were kids, Nat. I tried so hard, I-” At that, you began to sob once more and allowed Natasha to pull you into her.

“I know,” your girlfriend shushed you, her heart breaking at the cracks in your voice. “You always try your hardest, and that’s something I admire so much about you. But listen to me. You saved eight of those kids. Because of you, that’s eight little girls and boys who get to go back home to their families and grow up to become amazing adults. You may feel like you failed now, but without you, none of those kids would get that opportunity. Not one of them. Okay?”

“Okay,” you said softly. “Thank you,” you mumbled, giving her one last squeeze before you let her go.

“You’re welcome,” your girlfriend smiled. “Now, put this on,” Natasha ordered, throwing the sweatshirt at you. When you cocked your head to the side, she smirked. “You didn’t think I was leaving you alone, did you? I said we were going to snuggle and watch a movie, and I meant it. Unless you don’t want to.” The crinkles around the corners of her eyes began to recede, her smirk faltering.

“I’d love to,” you responded, giving her a peck on the cheek. “You’re very sweet,” you complimented her as the two of you climbed into your bed.

“Only for you,” she whispered, winking at you. The spy pulled you in close to her side, pressing her lips to the top of your head before pulling the blankets tightly over the both of you. “That’s a nice goose egg you’ve got there,” she murmured, referencing the growing lump on your head. “Do you want me to get some ice for it?”

“I’m fine, Nat. Everything’s just superficial.” Natasha hummed, running her fingers gently over it.

“If you say so,” she said reluctantly. “I guess you’re still somewhat attractive with it.”

“Hey!” You smacked her across the stomach. “You’re supposed to be supportive.”

“I’m just kidding, babe. Very attractive. Makes you look less like a dork and more like a badass.”

“Oh, shut up and watch the movie,” you grumbled, pushing yourself further into your girlfriend’s torso.

“Nat?” you spoke up, the movie now halfway over.

“Yeah, hon?”

“Steve told you about the mission, didn’t he?” The redhead pulled her eyes away from the screen to look at you.

“Yeah, he did. Is that okay?” Her voice was steady, but her face was unsure and vulnerable. You paused, considering your answer.

“Yeah, I guess it is,” you finally responded. “Although I need to tell that old man to get his wrinkly ass out of my business,” you said, your lips curving up slightly at the corners.

“He’s just looking out for you, babe. He loves you,” she teased, squeezing your cheek. The two of you fell silent for a moment, neither of you really paying attention to the various images flashing across the screen.

“Do you?” you asked softly, looking into Natasha’s green eyes.

“Always,” she whispered, leaning down to meet your lips.

“I love you, too,” you giggled, breaking the kiss.

“I love you more, you dork.”

“I thought I was a badass!” you whined, turning away as Natasha pecked your lips again.

“Mm, you are. My badass.” The two of you smiled at that, and you pulled Natasha’s head down to meet you in another kiss. The pain of losing those two kids was still there, and it would take some time before you were able to truly forgive yourself, but having Natasha with you made things a little bit easier.

[quirklessidiot]

Title: filthy rich [1/3] Pairing: millionare!sakusa kiyoomi x y/n [filthy capitalist au] Genre: romance, major angst ahead ,fluff, yandere!au-ish 

Synopsis: Your luck had just run out when you realized that you flirted with danger. [400 followers special]

Warnings: language and none...yet….[although i will put a trigger warning that is a controlling, abusive, and kind of a yandere relationship] Notes: 

Happy 460 followers i- look, i know i promised a long kita fanfic but i got more inspired to finish this and write this one because djjdjdjd ,,, anyways this was originally a kpop fanfic i wrote years ago and i switched it up to an omi fanfic. I don’t condone this type of relationship, if ya see this shit on your partner, please run (i beg of you)

also eheh the remaining two requests will be posted soon so uwu

next  ||  series masterlist || taglist 

“Hey Y/N.”

You look up from your medical textbook to find your aunt standing there with an expensive freshly pressed suit on her hand wrapped in plastic, you had been living with her along with her two younger kids in Tokyo after your parents decided to become humanitarian doctors. Wanting to explore and get out of your comfort zone, you ended up living in the big city along with your mother’s closest friend.

“Oh, hey obaasan.” you greeted, “What’s up?”

“Ah, you see, Shoyo is out now and no one will be able to deliver the suit to Sakusa-san, would you mind doing me a favor and delivering it for me?”

You shut your textbook and stood up from your chair, “Sure, uh- could I have his address?” you ask as you took the suit in plastic carefully from her hands, not wanting to damage something that cost as expensive as your tuition in med school. After saying goodbye to your aunt and carefully placing the suit at the back of your car, you drove your way to the upstate part of the city.

Your second hand car stood out like a sore thumb in the lane of expensive and flashy cars, you wanted to waltz in and out of here quickly. Following your aunt’s instruction’s, you march up to the front desk to hand the suit over to the receptionist, “I’m here to drop the laundry for Sakusa-sa-”

Before you could even finish your sentence, she snatched it away from your grasp. You narrow your eyes at her rather uncouth attitude, “Oh, cool...thanks…” you murmur, not wanting to cause a scene or pick a fight with the rude woman, you made a b-line towards the exit. Away from the judging and prying eyes of the people who were very much above you in terms of class and wealth.

The moment you step out though, you watch in horror as your car is being towed away, “Hey!” you exclaimed, hurriedly going to the worker who was writing something down on his clipboard, “Hey, wait! Please, excuse me?”

The worker turned to you with a questioning gaze as you immediately started to explain that you were in and out of the place and that you were just delivering some laundry but all you got was a shake in the head and the words, “It’s not up to me, that guy called us in.” He points his ballpen towards the man in a suit and paired with a surgical white mask on the phone, “...The parking here is for residents only and clearly you’re not one of them.” 

Your eyes almost widened at his explanation, just what was wrong with people who lived here?

You fumingly grab the piece of paper he hands to you and stuff it in your pocket as you march up to the stranger on the phone, “Hey, excuse me!” you proclaimed, there were a few on-lookers but you ignored them, you were seeing red with the treatment you’ve been receiving here. The raven-haired stranger ignores you, still on his phone so you call him out again and when you do, the darkest pair of obsidian eyes are on you.

You clenched your fists tightly as the quote ‘eat the rich’ comes into your head.

“There must be some mistake.” You began slowly, trying to put your anger at bay because you didn’t want the whole thing to escalate in public, “I’m in and out here, all i did was deliver and I didn't know-”

“Your ignorance doesn’t excuse you.”

“Excuse me?”

“Ignorance of the law excuses no one.” He simply states, “Also the car was on the way in my space and not even a parking spot.”

You let out a loud, sardonic laugh, “I’d be gone in two minutes if you waited.”

“You would’ve wasted my two minutes.” 

You clenched your fist tightly and as you were about to bite back on his snide remark, the receptionist from before intervenes, “Excuse me, he’s right. You aren’t allowed to park here.” she tries to look professional but you know she’s just siding with this idiot since he had the money.

“Right.” you nod, “You know what, fuck it, this blows. All I did was my job and I have to be shitted on because I don’t have money like Mr.fancy-pants over here.” You bellowed,your glare was intense as you turned around, stomping away before you would do anything you’d regret.

The stranger’s eyes towards you do not waver though, how interesting, he thought.

You never wanted to return to that place again, not only did you lose a lot of money to pay your toll fee for your car but you needed to buy a bunch of new books for the new semester. You groan out loud as you also realize that you needed to do a grocery run since all you had were empty packets of instant Ramen and water in your apartment.

Chunking the cue cards to the side, you made your way to the convenience store, the city was definitely alive tonight and amidst that, you look absolutely dead tired. Your eye bags were getting thicker, a few zits had popped out, and you had grown thin in an unhealthy way because of your food consumption.

Man, being in med school and being dumb wasn’t a very good combination.

Your thoughts are interrupted when your aunt calls you again and says you have to do deliveries tonight, “You remember Sakusa-san?” your aunt says on the other line.

You couldn’t help but grimace at the mention of the man and the memories of where he lived.

Man, did this Sakusa-san needed new neighbors.

“What does he need a suit for in this unholy hour?” You mentally groaned.

“He needs it for laundry, you can have the money when you pick it up.”

Your ears immediately perk up at the mention of cash, you decided to take public transportation since you didn’t want to risk getting your car toll away by that Sakusa guy’s wretched fancy-pants neighbor. Grocery shopping could wait another time, “Stupid rich people.” You muttered under your breath as you pushed open the entrance to find the same man who you despised, sitting there with a laundry basket next to him.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” You mumbled, sucking in a deep breath, you say, “Sakusa-san?”

“So I was right.” he says, pulling down his mask to reveal his sharp features, “You were the one who delivered my suit that day. It’s usually a young boy with a bike.”

Boy, this man was definitely at his prime, he was probably a good few years older than you and you bet he had the ladies swinging left and right with that face. Too bad he had a shitty attitude though.

“Well, that doesn’t give you an excuse to tow my car away.” you deadpan.

“How much do I owe you for the unfortunate accident then?” his tone was rich and low but you detected no remorse in it, it was as if waving huge chunks of money would help tremendously. The asshole couldn’t even properly say sorry to you because of the hard time you had to go through that time.

“None,” you scoffed, “Just hand me your laundry and pay the fee, we’ll call it even.”

The raven-haired man tilts his head and carefully hands you the laundry bag along with a wad of cash, your eyes immediately widen out of character, “Woah, wait-”

“For the troubles.” He simply replies, “Goodnight.”

You later found out that his full name was Sakusa Kiyoomi and not only was he rich, he was filthy rich. The man used to be a big volleyball player back or something when he was in high school and college but instead of becoming a pro player, he had inherited the family business.

“Huh, so he was a capitalist.” You stare at his picture at the morning paper which was coincidentally an article about him. You decided to forget about it, expecting to not see him after that night since Hinata had no classes or practices these upcoming weeks yet weirdly enough, he started to ask for you to pick up his laundry instead.

So you both fell into a strange routine, you’d pick up his laundry and return it the next day. He was also there to pick up his things and you no longer needed to talk to the rude receptionist. You were suspicious of him yet you decided to just overlook it, he gave good tips and he wasn’t as rude as the first time you met him, in fact, he made small conversations now and you sort of got to know the man.

You had a weird dynamic but strangely enough, it worked.

“L/N-san.” 

“Good evening,” You greeted per usual, holding out your hand yet his eyes squinted at the bandage on your hand.

“What happened.” the raven-haired man asked, his gaze zeroing on the wound that you got in one of your classes.

“I’m a med student...I cut myself instead of the cadaver in class.” you shrug nonchalantly as you wiggle your fingers, “It’s alright though, I’m not going to stain your suit that you keep putting back to the laundry for some odd reason.”

“You got hurt.”

“Happens to the best of us.”

Sakusa mutters something incoherent under his breath before saying, “I’ll take you to your car.”

“Woah there-”

The man ignores you as he walks ahead of you, this was certainly getting out of character, even for him who always asked for you, “Open it.” He orders as he points to the car door, you begrudgingly obliged and did as he said. He places the laundry inside and turns to you to give you his usual pay, “Take care of yourself next time, L/N-san.”

The very next day, your aunt hands you an expensive package of ointments on your doorstep. Your brows are furrowed together in confusion as she says that they’re from the millionaire himself. You pointedly look at the package in front of you, completely lost as to why someone like him would send something like this to the person who he wasn’t exactly close with.

“Y/N-saaaaan…” Hinata drowns, you snap your gaze from your notes to the young orange-haired boy, “I’ve got news!”

You had stopped working for your aunt since you found a job at your university’s library, not only were the hours more lax but they even minus some of the tuition as long as you worked there. It was definitely a win-win situation for you.

“What’s up, orange?” You asked.

“Remember Sakusa-san?”

You hum a reply, “What about him?”

“I think he likes you.”

You almost choke on your saliva when you heard that, this little brat, why you ought to-

“He looked really disappointed when I said that you didn’t work for us anymore.” Hinata explains, cutting your thoughts short, 

“Right.” You drawl, shaking your head, “Maybe you were just hard to look at, that’s why.”

“Hey!” He clenched his fists together and pouted at your tone, “I don’t even know why he likes you!”

You feel a vein pop in his forehead as you hear his insult,  you proceeded to chunk a pillow to his direction in which he successfully dodged, “Get your facts straight and I assure you, he doesn’t like me.” you grumbled, returning to your books.

Ultimately, you thought that you’d never see Sakusa Kiyoomi ever again. It was fairly obvious that outside your job, someone of high caliber as him was someone you’d never see again yet you're immediately thrown off guard when you find him standing there around your campus.

Your eyes widen in surprise, well what do you know? it was the devil himself.

“Sakusa-san.”

“L/N-san.”

Man, you may not have seen him for a month or two but despite wearing the mask, you could tell that  e still sported the same blank and basic bitch face behind it. Hinata was wrong in all ways, this guy wouldn’t like you, he’d probably deem you too low class for him, “What a surprise, it’s been a while.” You stiffly bowed down.

“You’re acting weird.” 

You raise your gaze to meet his and you could see the glint of amusement in his eyes.

“You’re most likely a guest in the university.” You mumbled, scratching your head, “People might come at me if I treated you as casually as before.”

Sakusa raises his brow, “That’s funny coming from someone who was this close to punching me during our first meeting.”

“You were being a dick that time.”

“How you have guts to say that to my face amazes me every time.”

“Oh yeah?” You chortled, amused by his statement, “I’m starting to think you’ve taken a liking on me.”

“Was it not obvious when I kept asking for you from Hinata-san?”

You immediately choke on the coffee you were sipping, burning your tongue in the process, “Okay what the hell, sakusa-san-” you said in between coughs.

Your freeze up when you look at him dead in the eye, his eyes crinkling, was he smiling behind the mask? No way, the Sakusa Kiyoomi was smiling at you? He pulls down his mask and bends down, making you retract your steps and your cheeks flush to a brightly red color, “You’re turning red.” he points out loud and that makes you turn even redder.

“You’re acting weird.”

“You were getting dense.” 

“How was I supposed to know...to know that…” You try to stutter out, completely embarrassed.

“To know what?” 

“You know what.” You grumbled, standing up a bit straighter and ignoring his teasing tone, “I’m not interested in you.”

“Your red cheeks say otherwise.”

“It’s the cold weather.” You harshly replied, looking away again, trying to avoid his gaze, “I’m not interested in a boyfriend, a flirting partner, or whatever that is. So good day!” 

You immediately stomp away, leaving Sakusa Kiyoomi with an amused smirk. How entertaining and adorable, you looked like a bunny. His cute bunny.

A few days had passed from that little interaction and you wanted to hurl yourself out the window whenever you thought about it. Sakusa Kiyoomi? The filthy rich capitalist Sakusa Kiyoomi? Interested in you? What kind of k-drama was this?

You tried to avoid going out much in the campus, Apparently he was around after he donated half a million to the medicine department.

You immediately groaned out loud at the thought, there was in no way that all this was possible!

“L/N-san.”

You immediately jump on the spot and drop your keys, “Holy fucking-” You pause, biting back your tongue, there he stood sporting a casual attire instead of a business suit and his usual face mask,  “Sakusa-san?”

“Kiyoomi.” He smoothly corrects.

“Nice. Very nice.” You dryly replied, “Heard you donated half a million and some new equipment to our department. Sweet.”

“You don’t look that happy.”

“I mean you basically confessed that you were interested then decided to donate to my department only.” You narrow your eyes suspiciously, “You remind me of a sugar daddy.”

“Well,” He shrugged, “You didn’t exactly deny that you wanted one.”

Your brain immediately short-circuits as you try to stutter out a reply, Sakusa looked like he’d been having a field day. Gone was the fiery girl he met a few months ago, he really knew what to say to reduce you to a stuttering mess.

“I’m kidding, L/N-san.” he deadpanned when he realized that you weren’t giving him a straight answer since your mind was jumbled up, “It was purely coincidental, we’ve been eyeing certain medicine departments and yours was performing top-notch. It doesn’t mean that I’m any less interested in taking you out.”

“You do know I’m poor right…” You sweatdrop, “I could easily take advantage of you-”

“One date, L/N-san…” he says, ignoring your very weak argument, “Just one then I’ll let you go.”

You don’t know why but you ended up saying yes that day.

You didn’t know what to expect on your first date and you had your fingers cross the whole time that he wouldn’t take you to an expensive michelin star restaurant since you didn’t have the clothes for the place.

Thankfully, the date was more casual than you expected, it was in his home and he had  cooked the meal himself.

“You’re looking oddly relieved.”

“I can’t function well in expensive restaurants.” You sweatdrop, covering your awkwardness with a laugh. You’ve never gone on dates before, the idea of being intimate with someone had made you feel awkward and bothered. 

“I’m not a big fan of public areas so I assure you we're not going on those anytime soon.” 

“Well aren’t you getting confident.” You raise a brow, teasing him a bit as you start to pick on the beef with your chopsticks.

“Call it a gut feeling, L/N-san.”

“Y/N.”

“What?”

“You asked me to call you Kiyoomi and well,” you turn red once again, “Well it would be awkward if you were all formal with me.”

You saw the small twinkle in his eyes, “Y/N.” your name rolls out of his tongue smoothly and you feel your heart hammering on your chest, “I like that, Y/N…” 

It was in that little moment that you realized that you liked it when he called your name.

The dinner went by without a hitch, Sakusa Kiyoomi was not the same arrogant man that the media portrayed him to be. He was quiet, understanding, and soft. Completely the opposite of the first day you met him. He urged you to talk more about yourself, saying how boring and open his life was since the media tailed him a lot.

“Why Tokyo?” 

“Why not?” You shrug, swishing the wine before taking a small sip, “It’s a great place, it’s new, and I had someone I knew here. My mom and Obaasan were good friends so I was allowed to move here on my own.”

“Are you coming back to your country if you’re done with your studies?”

You were silent for a moment, “I don’t think so. I wanna be like my parents.”

“A humanitarian doctor, huh?”

“Yeah.” You smile, “A humanitarian doctor. How about you? What’s your story?”

“Nothing interesting.” He glazed, “I’m an open book, Y/N.”

“Open book?” You tilt your head to the side, “You’re usually painted as an asshole by the media…”

“But you don’t believe it.”

“You kinda were when we first met.”

For the first time, you hear his soft chuckle and your heart starts beating fast. You liked that sound, you wanted to hear something like that again, “You always know how to amuse me, Y/N.” he shakes his head, “And for the record, just because I’m not comfortable with touches, public places and whatnot does not make me an asshole...I just am a very private person with interests…”

“What’s your interest now?”

“You.” He replied nonchalantly, making you look away..

“Stop.”

“What?”

“Stop doing that.”

“Doing what?”

“Flirting with me with a straight face like you mean it!” You choke out, turning red.

“Because I do mean it, Y/N.” He shrugs. “I am interested in you.”

It seemed like that little date you had turned out more successful than you thought, one date led to another and another. This went on for a few months until he asked you to be his partner one night at a very random place, you usually pictured Sakusa Kiyoomi to be the smooth type     you were, after all, always the stuttering mess between you two     but when he asks you to be his officially, outside the public restroom of all places with his ear tips turning red, your reduced to a heaping pile of giggles.

With men like him, you didn’t exactly expect anything more than the dates.

You should’ve known better that he was too good to be true.

general taglist for the next part is open aye

[heloisedaphnebrightmore]

Like a dream pt. 1|2 [Sirius Black x Reader] - Challenge

Title: Like a dream pt. 1 ➔ Like a dream pt. 2 - Here! Pairing: Sirius Black x Female!Reader   Word count: 3.4k Published: 20 January 2021 Author: Heloise Daphne Brightmore Notes: Important note at the end Summary: Sirius and you were supposed to be enemies, but your crush on him might not be as unrequited as you thought. Challenge: [x] [x] This is part of @sleep-i-ness​ writing challenge on tumblr. I used the below dialogue 

“Can I kiss you?” “I don’t know, can you?”

Bingo: [x] This is part of my Make me feel Bingo Card by @girl-next-door-writes​ on tumblr

Square filled: Enemies to lovers

Harry Potter Characters Masterlist | Masterlists

Make me feel Bingo Masterlist

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You always disliked Sirius Black. Or at least that’s what you told everyone who dared to comment on your constant bickering and picking on one another. But you couldn’t deceive yourself. You caught yourself gazing at the boy from afar, hands getting clammy around him, air stuck in your lungs.

You felt your face heat up around him, making your crush on the boy dangerously obvious. You tried to conceal it with muggle makeup and useful charms you learnt from your friends and so far, it has been helping, but your nervous state couldn’t be fixed, even if you tried to count from one to ten, even if you tried to think of awful thoughts. The boy had effects on you that no one else had.

Your families having an amazing relationship didn’t help in keeping a distance either. So, when your mother announced the Blacks visit, you almost forgot to breathe for a mere second. You rushed up to your room, dressing up into your prettiest dress, putting on just a small amount of make-up, before taking care of the mess on top of your head that others called hair.

It barely took an hour or so before you heard your parents greeting the Blacks downstairs. You took a deep breath and wore the coldest expression you could possibly manage. You knew Sirius would have a couple of snarky comments spiced up with his usually cocky grin, one that always took your breath away, so you composed yourself and prepared for the worst.

Walking down the stairs felt even more difficult as your legs slightly wobbled. When you caught sight of him, even the air stuck in your lungs, your throat dried out. You wanted to scream into outer space, scolding yourself for being affected by someone who never really had a kind word to say to you. Although he never really offended you either. You just mutually got on each others’ nerves.

“Darling, finally, come on down,” your mother ushered you over to them as she saw you heading down the stairs.

You smiled sweetly as you greeted Walburga and Orion, before you turned to Regulus, but when your eyes met Sirius, words didn’t seem to want to leave your lips. He wore his usual cocky smile as he studied your face, seemingly unbothered about the lack of greeting.

“Cat got your tongue?” he asked, snickering as his parents followed yours into the dining room with Regulus behind them.

“You wish, Black,” you scoffed, but deep down you wanted to run into a wall. You were not one to be silent, one without words, but Sirius’ presence often caused you a momentary brain damage.

“Actually, I don’t. It would get boring,” he shrugged casually. You tilted your head in confusion, brows furrowed.

“You can’t possibly tell me you wouldn’t be happy if I couldn’t talk,” you raised a brow curiously.

“So, I’d have to listen to my own voice at all times? I’d love it. For a short period of time, of course. But for any longer, please, even I’d go mental,” he pulled a face, making you giggle. It wasn’t a sound you often let yourself have when Sirius was around. You didn’t necessarily hate each other, but none of you really had a nice word to say to the other, which often led to a bickering session.

“And we certainly wouldn’t want that,” you added sarcastically with a cheeky grin across your face.

“Are you going to join us today?” Regulus arrived from the dining room, waving his hand to follow him.

You joined your families at the table, quickly diving into the food, trying to avoid any awkward conversation. As you looked up at Sirius, his cold expression and blank eyes reminded you of the rumours you heard about his relationship with his family. He was distant and almost robotic.

“Darling, how’s school been?” Walburga turned to you with a sweet, but very clearly phony expression.

“It’s been going well, thank you for asking. I’m certainly not going to be a potions master, but I’m doing rather well in all my other classes,” you replied with a genuine smile, feeling proud of your achievements.

“That’s wonderful, dear,” she smiled as she turned to your mother. “You have got a beautiful and very intelligent child on your hand, love. You must be very proud of her,” she added. Your mom quickly tapped her lips with a napkin, ready to answer.

“Indeed. She is making us very proud,” she replied as she turned to you and offered you a loving, happy smile. “But I’m sure you are just as proud. You have two amazing sons who I hear seem to do quite well in school and part of the quidditch team of their houses as well,” she added, the information you have shared with her finally becoming useful.

“Regulus is indeed doing very well. Top grades of his year and it seems he will soon be captain of the quidditch team,” she added with a proud smile, but then the conversation turned into an awkward silence as Walburga decided not to mention Sirius. As you looked at the boy, he was wearing the same cold expression, slightly more annoyed than before as he rolled his eyes.

You wanted to tell him to ignore his mother’s mean behaviour, but you didn’t have the right to. You didn’t know much about their relationship and you certainly didn’t have a friendship of any kind with Sirius.

Instead, you heaved a deep sigh, swallowed hard and concentrated back on your meal.

The dinner didn’t last long, soon you found yourself in the living room, sipping on a cup of tea, your parents having an utterly boring conversation with the Blacks.

“Mom, would you please excuse me?” you asked as you placed your cup and saucer on the table in front of you.

“Of course, darling, go ahead,” she smiled and continued her conversation with Walburga.

You stood up from your seat and looked over at Sirius who seemed even more miserable than you. It was clearly painted across his face that he didn’t want to be there, let alone listen to the conversation your parents were having.

“Mrs. Black, would you mind if I stole Sirius for a second?” you asked. The woman looked at her son, slight disappointment across her face, but then she nodded reluctantly.

“Not at all, sweetheart,” she shook her head. Sirius looked at you with a frown across his face as he stood and followed you out of the house, straight to the garden.

“Why would you do that?” he asked, furrowing his brows.

“You couldn’t look any more miserable sitting there,” you shrugged.

“Thanks,” he scoffed as he took a seat on a bench beside the wall. You sat down next to him, a slightly awkward silence distancing the two of you as you kept your eyes busy, looking around the carefully planted flowers your mother felt so proud of.

“You know, this is not the Black I’m used to,” you added as you grew tired of the silence.

“Why, what did you expect?” he tilted his head backwards, looking up at the darkness, stars lighting up the sky.

“I don’t really know. In school you are cocky, unpredictable and not to mention annoying at all times,” you scoffed as you remembered how many times you wanted to wrap your fingers around his neck and squeeze it, just a little. “But here you are like this sample boy. Quiet and well behaved, but most of all cold,” he grimaced at your words, which you weren’t sure how to take at first.

“My parents hate me, how else am I supposed to behave? I don’t plan to fuel the fire any more than it already is,” he replied with a serious expression.

“Well, I know my words don’t mean much, but if it’s worth even a bit, I prefer the Sirius I go to school with,” you shrugged casually, trying not to reveal your crush on him, but still trying to be honest. When Sirius started smiling, you couldn’t stop yourself from mirroring his expression.

“Huh, so you don’t hate me that much after all,” he snickered proudly, his usually cocky smirk painted across his face once again.

“I never hated you. I just can’t stand you,” you added as you turned away from the boy, trying to hide your blushing cheeks.

He leaned forward, attempting to catch a glimpse of your face, but you carefully looked anywhere except him. “Then why are you blushing?” he chuckled as your head shot up, looking straight into his grey eyes that seemed even darker under the moonlight. He must have understood your confusion. “Your ears are bright red,” he added with a cheeky wink.

You groaned, feeling annoyed both because of your own obvious behaviour and his impeccable sight. “I’m just feeling warm,” you tried to save the situation which earned you a sceptical look from Sirius before it quickly turned into a barking laughter.

“I’m sure that’s true. Especially because there are goosebumps all over your arm,” he chuckled as he bit into his lower lip, your eyes immediately focusing on his movement. You scolded yourself inside for your silly behaviour and folded your arms in front of your chest as you turned away from the boy, quietly sulking.

He took off his suit jacket and placed it on your back, his scent finding its way into your nostrils almost immediately. It was warm and soft, and it smelled like him. You looked at the boy with a questioningly raised brow, not knowing how to take it.

“What? I can’t possibly have a beautiful lady freezing to death beside me,” he shrugged nonchalantly with a mischievous smile playing in the corner of his mouth.

“Beautiful lady?” you asked, scepticism clear in your tone. “When in the last 5 minutes did I become a beautiful lady?” you snorted in disbelief, ignoring how un-ladylike it was.

“You have always been beautiful,” he added casually as if the words were more familiar to him than to you. You frowned at his unusual behaviour, complimenting each other was not something you often or ever did.

“Are you sick? Are you under some kind of a potion? Blink twice if you are,” you nagged him, causing a silent laughter to erupt from his lungs.

“I’m perfectly fine. You know, just because people don’t say something out loud, it doesn’t mean they don’t think it,” he said.

“Okay- thanks, I guess,” you tried to find the right words to say.

“Not a problem,” he smiled proudly.

Once again, an awkward silence fell on the pair of you, but this time you couldn’t possibly break it. His unusual behaviour made you feel wary and you weren’t sure what would be the best way to strike up a conversation.

“Did I make you feel awkward?” he asked, his eyes focused on the dark sky and the small little stars painted across it.

“I wouldn’t say you made me feel awkward, but I certainly didn’t expect any positive comment from you,” you shrugged casually, trying to play it cool. Your heart was pulsing loudly in your ears, your throat dried out, but you couldn’t have given even a hint of the effects he had on you.

“Hey, I’m not that bad,” he groaned.

“I’m not saying you are, but we are always bickering about some silly thing that I can’t even remember because it’s always so meaningless, so for you to say that I’m beautiful, it was certainly unexpected,” you explained.

“Well, I can’t possibly tell you how pretty you are in the middle of our little arguments.”

“Actually, you could,” you snickered, which made him chuckle as he watched your playful expression.

“Now that you mention it, if I used it before, you might have shut up quicker,” he snorted as he saw your face turn into an expression that clearly screamed how badly you wanted to hex him.

“You are going too far, Black,” you added.

“Isn’t that what we usually do?” he asked wriggling his brows, making you chuckle.

“What was that creepy move?” you asked, trying to silence your laughter.

“My signature move,” he winked. “Girls, love it.”

“Sure, if you want to scare them away,” you huffed, but you couldn’t remove the smile from your face.

“We could have done this sooner, you know,” he stated, making you feel confused.

“What do you mean?” you asked.

“Have a normal conversation without you getting mad at me?” he grinned.

“I wouldn’t get mad at you if you didn’t behave like a complete idiot,” you shrugged, your smile still hiding in the corner of your lips.

“Fair enough,” he chuckled. “But then how else would I catch my crush’s attention?” he raised a questioning brow. For a second you thought you heard it wrong, for a second you thought you were hallucinating. His words seemed too unreal.

“You what?” you attempted to word your confusion.

“How else did you expect me to get your attention?” he chuckled playfully, his own words making him feel lighter.

“Why would you want to catch my attention?” you asked dumbfounded.

“Have you even heard what I said?'' he laughed watching the confused expression across your face. “I will help you out. I just said I wanted to catch my crush’s attention. My crush would be you. Do you need any further explanation?” he chuckled playfully as your face grew even more confused. As if your brain was unable to process his words. Even your own brain couldn’t believe what he said. But your heart, your heart was beating dangerously as the words left his mouth as if they needed no further explanation.  

“You like me?” you asked, clearly needing more to go on.

“I have fancied you since forever,” he smiled as he scooted closer to you on the bench. “I wasn’t sure if you liked me, you always got mad at me. But then sometimes you gave me these mixed signals and I couldn’t place it anywhere,” he shook his head scoffing. “Up until I overheard Lily’s conversation with James, and it felt like hope,” he raised a questioning brow, waiting for you to put the puzzles together, but you remained silent.

He turned his complete torso towards you, watching your profile as he tucked a loose hair behind your ear. You felt your face heat up, but you didn’t turn away. You knew you were exposed, but you still didn’t know how to react. You looked at the boy, his grey eyes eagerly waiting for you to say something.

“What do you want me to say?” you asked. “You already know, don’t you?” you turned away as you heaved a deep sigh.

“I just overheard a conversation, that means nothing,” he shook his head, disputing. “Look at me, please,” he asked as he gently got hold of your jaw and turned you back. “Do you like me?” he asked, wasting no time.

You wanted to say no, you still couldn’t believe his words. Your constant bickering has been ongoing for so long, that it just didn’t make sense. But then something had changed in you too. You didn’t know when you started having feelings for him, but it just happened. However, accepting your own feelings seemed more reasonable than his.

“I’m being honest. I do like you. I have for quite a while,” his eyes didn’t lie. He looked at you with a warm, loving expression and although it was hard to believe his words, his gaze couldn’t have lied.

You let out a deep breath as you composed yourself, preparing for the worst. Maybe it was a prank, and he was going to laugh, maybe he was just joking with your feelings, maybe he made a silly bet with someone. You didn’t know what to expect, but every possible negative outcome went through your head ringing an alarm.

You looked down at your lap, playing with your hands nervously. “I do like you,” you whispered, your tone uncertain and barely audible. You collected all the bravery you could find within you and looked up at him. A gentle, warm smile spread across his face as he lifted one of your hands and cupped it in his, warming up your cold skin. His genuine expression reassured you with a simple look at him. The whole boy seemed so happy, he couldn’t have played the part that well. It felt unreal, as if a dream of yours came true, but you couldn’t possibly feel happier.  

“So, if I ask you to go out with me, would I get a yes?” he asked as his smile grew wider.

“I guess, you would have to ask me first,” you chuckled, making him huff playfully.

“Okay, so, would you like to go out with me?” he asked confidently and for a second you left him hanging, as if you were debating your options.

“I guess that could be arranged,” you replied which made him shake his head as he pulled you into a hug, his arms wrapped around your shoulders, his face hidden in your neck. As he pulled away, he stopped a few inches away from your face, his eyes wandering between your eyes and lips, his intentions screaming obviousness.

“I- Can I kiss you?” he asked, the unusual uncertainty in his voice making you braver this time.

“I don’t know, can you?” you asked back, clearly catching him off guard. But soon his surprised expression turned into a cheeky grin.

“Well, I could,” he smirked, but didn’t move.

“Then I guess the question is, will you?” you added playfully, trying to guide him to the right direction, hoping for him to finally make that last step.

“Would you like me to?” he played along, but this time you started losing your patience.

“For Merlin’s sake, just kiss me already!” you instructed him, huffing, both of you laughing silently, before he placed his hands on each side of your neck and pulled you closer to him, attaching his lips to yours finally.

As if you have been waiting forever, it felt like pure satisfaction, warm, happy and safe. Sirius felt like a safe place that you didn’t know you needed, but now that you were there, you couldn’t even think of ever letting go. You fit into each other’s embrace so perfectly, it felt like a dream.

…

Your body was sweating, your head was spinning as you slowly opened your eyes. A wet towel was carefully placed on your forehead which fell down into your lap as you slowly pushed yourself up into a seated position.

As you looked around you recognised the hospital wing of Hogwarts, the metal frame of the bed creaking as you moved around. You pulled the cover off your body and placed your feet on the cold floor, hissing at the uncomfortable feeling. But before you could have gotten out of bed, the door opened, and a blonde-haired girl walked into the infirmary, reading a newspaper.

“Marlene?” you asked. She looked up from her book and gave you a confused look.

“What are you doing? Madam Pomfrey said you should rest. You got hit pretty badly,” she added as she sat down beside you.

“What are you talking about?” you frowned in confusion.

“You got hit by a bludger and passed out. Do you not remember?” you shook your head in a reply.

“And what about Sirius?” you asked, clinging onto the only recent memory you could remember.

“What are you talking about? You hate Sirius,” she furrowed her brows as she watched your face fall.

You felt like you couldn’t breathe, like you have been kicked in the gut and kneed in the chest. Air didn’t seem to want to leave or enter your body as you finally understood that it was all a dream. A wishful thinking that you knew too well would never happen. There was no way Sirius would ever look at you that way and to realise it after you woke up from a dream that quite possibly felt like the best thing that happened to you in awhile, it was heart-breaking.

“I do,” you replied as you tried to hold back the tears that threatened to roll down your cheeks and reveal your well-hidden secret. You felt so stupid, so naive for thinking about having a shot at the coolest boy of the school, but most of all, you hated yourself for having such a vivid dream. A dream that you knew will always remain only a dream.

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[jemmahazelnut]

Motorcycle flight - Chapter four

Summary: Laxus is a biker, and as soon as he discovers that in the city there’s a motorcycle track for enthusiasts where races are organized every month, he decides to go. As soon as he arrives, he will fall in love with that wonderful place, and will meet the handsome green-haired owner. [Freed/Laxus]

Link: AO3

Here you can find Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three.

Good and bad news

When Laxus woke up Freed was still asleep next to him, still completely naked. He ran a hand through his hair cursing mentally and trying hard not to let his gaze wander down the back of the sexy guy lying next to him. A very difficult task, especially after what they had done the night before.

He closed his eyes and the memory of their kisses and touches, as well as Freed's reactions, crossed his mind. Fuck no. What the fuck had he done. He had ruined everything. He got up trying to be silent so as not to wake the boy, gathered up his boxers and his clothes and walked towards the bathroom. He threw himself under the cold water, trying hard not to think back to the fantastic night he had spent.

Once he finished washing and dressing, he went back to the room. Freed was still sleeping. Laxus watched him for a moment. He hadn't slept under the sheets, in that heat it was impossible. Seeing him asleep and naked rekindled all the excitement that he had forced himself to swallow during the shower.

Shit. He’d never forget that night, he already knew it. He didn't know what to do. Did he have to wake him up? Wait for him to wake up? Go for breakfast without him? No, that last idea was bad. He wouldn't let Freed wake up alone, he didn't want him to believe it was just a night for him.

So, although embarrassed, he decided to wait a bit. He pulled up the blinds of the room letting the sun's rays come in, hoping that would wake Freed up as he thought about what he had to tell him. Because he had to admit, he had a big crush on Freed. But Freed could have it for him too, given how active he'd been in bed. Or maybe it was just one night. Hell, he hated that situation.

He went out onto the terrace while clearing his head. It was still early, it was only eight in the morning and since they had gone to sleep late, it was obvious that Freed was still asleep. Until he heard a door close behind him. Panic enveloped him and he spun around, but he saw that Freed was in the room, with only his boxers - thank goodness he was wearing them - and he had only closed the bathroom door.

“Hey,” Laxus said embarrassed.

“Hey,” Freed murmured in a low voice. The two boys looked at each other for a moment, both at a loss for words. Then Freed sighed slightly. “Can we talk about it after coffee? It's really too early for me to do anything,” he said. Laxus just nodded and then Freed dressed quickly, reaching for the bedroom door to exit. He turned to Laxus before leaving.

“Um... give me a quarter of an hour, okay?” he asked. Laxus nodded again, and then the boy left the room. The blond sighed and sat down on the bed. Well, Freed at least wanted to talk about it. It was a good thing, wasn't it? Damn, why the hell had he dragged him to his room? Why had he let himself get carried away by his instincts?

Unable to sit still, he decided to go down to the bar and wait for Freed there. He walked to the porch and sat down at a table, staring out at the lake in front of him and trying to think of the right words to say. Why, even though he had been thinking about them for over half an hour, he couldn't find them?

He didn't wait long before Freed got out, fully dressed and sat down opposite him. The two ordered breakfast, and then stood in awkward silence until the waitress brought them the coffees and croissants. Laxus began to eat avoiding Freed's gaze, and for a while the two remained silent again.

The blond was looking for words to say, they just didn't come. He had hoped Freed would speak, but apparently it wasn't easy for the boy either. And if until the day before Laxus had been pretty sure that Freed had an interest in him, now he was no longer certain. Freed could simply be attracted to him, maybe he just wanted a disengaged relationship, or maybe it was just a mistake due to alcohol. Too many thoughts were hitting him all at once, preventing him from thinking straight.

“Well,” Freed began and Laxus looked up at him. The boy had finished his coffee but hadn't touched his croissant and was staring at the napkins on the table. “Well, I should tell you I'm sorry I kissed you last night. And partly I am, because I was drunk, we were both drunk and we didn't think well, I got carried away by instinct but...” He paused and Laxus was able to look him in the face only because Freed avoided his gaze. He noticed the man's cheeks turning red and Freed started talking again.

“I'm not really that sorry. As far as I'm concerned it was a beautiful night, sure, maybe if I had been more lucid it would’ve been better but…” he shook his head because he was wandering and looked up and met his eyes. “I like you, Laxus. I mean, I'd like to go out with you, hang out with you, to put it simply, I'm romantically interested in you”.

Laxus could now see Freed's entire face completely red, the way he nervously twisted a napkin between his fingers and the way he again avoided his gaze. For a moment Laxus was shocked by that declaration. Freed really felt something for him, he hadn't imagined it. He felt relief in his stomach and relaxed his shoulders. Hell, that was the best thing that could have happened.

Freed looked down at the napkin.

“Um... it doesn't matter, you know, I think... we can forget and...” he began to say in a hoarse voice. Laxus realized at that moment that he still hadn't answered Freed. He reached out and caught Freed's, smiling softly at him as the boy looked up at him again.

“I like you Freed too, and I'd love to go out with you,” he said at that point. Freed's eyes widened slightly and a smile formed on his face.

“You do it?” he asked in a low voice, perhaps looking for further confirmation.

“I do,” Laxus replied, then leaning towards him and leaving him a chaste kiss on his lips. Freed's face flushed and Laxus felt his cheeks heat up. Despite that, he smiled elated at the knowledge that he was going to start dating Freed. A laugh escaped the green-haired biker.

“Great,” he said.

“Yes,” Laxus agreed. The two looked at each other for a moment, smiling, then Freed took the brioche and began to eat and Laxus turned to watch the morning sun illuminate the lake in front of them. It was perfect. All the embarrassment had vanished, now the silence between them was pleasant and spending a morning with Freed was the most he wanted.

“So, what do you say if I take you to those waterfalls?” he asked. Freed glanced at him.

“Have you suddenly remembered where they are?” he asked.

“No,” Laxus laughed. “But I'm sure Kinana will tell me,” he said, nodding his head towards the waitress. Freed smiled and nodded, and Laxus felt a euphoric sensation in his stomach. He was going out with Freed, and the night they had just spent together hadn't ruined anything.

***

Laxus went to the track in a great mood, excited to see Freed. After the tour, the two had exchanged phone numbers, had kissed a few more times, especially under the waterfalls, and had agreed on the fact of chatting. They had exchanged a few messages and Laxus had been in a great mood ever since. Well, he admitted he was falling in love, even though it had been a few days since their first date. Always if they wanted to consider it a date.

Laxus actually wanted to invite Freed on a date, and even though he knew the boy was rich and that he was probably used to fancy restaurants, he had already thought about where to take him. He wasn't sure Freed would like the idea, but he wanted to take him to a nice place. It seemed that the boy had enjoyed taking that trip out of town, so he had thought of doing something similar again.

With that idea in mind, he headed for the track, but as soon as he arrived, he immediately realized that something was wrong. There was no one at the track, the parking lot was empty, except for Freed's car and Evergreen and Bickslow's motorbikes. He also noticed Lucy's bike and frowned, wondering why there was no one there. It was Friday night, usually the place was full. He approached the bar but noticed that there was a sign outside that read 'Closed'. For a moment he was surprised, pulled out the phone and was about to dial Freed's number when he saw Lucy come out of the bar.

“Hi Laxus. The trail is closed today,” she told him.

“What happens?” Laxus asked. The blonde sighed.

“There was a robbery. Thieves destroyed the door of the bar and stole money, food and alcohol. They also destroyed the gate of the track,” she said, pointing at him with her hand. Laxus followed her gaze and swallowed nervously. Fuck. That was bad news. He turned to the girl.

“Do you know who did it?” he asked.

“Maybe, Freed called the police this morning but they’ve yet to see the cameras,” the girl said. “The point is, they didn't just steal, they did a lot of damage too… the back windows are broken, the warehouse destroyed, they were vandals,” she said.

“Freed?” Laxus asked uncertainly. Lucy sighed and turned back to the bar.

“He's having a nervous breakdown” she said clearly “Better to leave him alone, he's not really in the mood”. Laxus nodded, he could understand that. He himself would’ve been pissed. But he wanted to come in and help him. He didn't do it because it was Freed who came out, but he was making a call and yelling about everything to someone.

“I don't give a shit about your problems, or your fucking ideas about me! I know it was you, I know and I'll prove it, you fucking bastard!” he barked as he passed them without deigning a glance. Lucy and Laxus stood looking at him and soon after Evergreen walked out. Freed kept ranting. “I talk to you as the fuck I want, and as soon as the truth comes out, I'll make sure I post articles about you that will ruin you and your fucking companies, and your fucking reputation that you care so much about!” he kept screaming.

Laxus stared at him in amazement. He had never seen him pissed off. Irritated, annoyed, demoralized, but not pissed off.

“He thinks he was his father,” Evergreen explained.

“He was his father,” Lucy objected immediately irritated with her arms crossed. “I'm going to make a call, tell me if you’ve any news,” she said and then took the phone and walked away from there, not to hear Freed's screams in the background.

“And fuck you!” Freed yelled before dropping the call. Laxus watched him as he walked over him and down with the phone gripped between his fingers, nervously running his other hand over his arm. Then he turned to them.

“Hi,” he greeted without hiding his irritation.

“Hey,” Laxus said.

“The track is closed. It will probably be closed for the whole month, in fact, it will probably close permanently because I’ve had enough of that bastard of my father, I didn’t imagine that he’d send vandals to destroy everything. Everything I've built.” He growled and tears of nervousness rose in his eyes but he refused to cry. “And my fucking mother even called me pretending to be sad about what happened. Bitch without...”.

“Hey, calm down,” Evergreen interrupted.

“Don't tell me what to do!” Freed snapped.

“I understand that you’re in a bad mood, but we’ll solve this too. The insurance will pay the damages and we’ll write the article about your...”

“The insurance will not cover all damages!” Freed snapped. “Probably the police will think they were just vandals, my father's name will not come out and even if I rebuilt everything, he’ll come back to piss me off, “he growled.

“Okay, I think you need to go home now. There's nothing else to do here,” Evergreen said. Freed put his hands to his temples and took deep breaths trying to calm down. “I'm going in,” the girl said and then went back into the bar.

Freed sat down you on the ground on the steps in front of the bar and Laxus followed suit.

“I’m sorry. Are you sure it was your father?” he asked a little uncertainly.

“Of course,” Freed snarled. “If they were just thieves, they would’ve stolen the money and left. Those bastards destroyed everything,” he snapped. He stopped short. “Sorry, I'm unbearable and it's not your fault,” he murmured.

“Don't worry,” Laxus replied. “I'd be so pissed off too,” he then added and placed a hand on the boy's shoulder. “Look, I know you're angry and tired, but Ever’s right, you can fix it. And even if you can't prove he was your father, you can definitely pick out that article from years ago,” he said. Freed sighed deeply.

“Of course, I'll fix it,” he said. “Just... it's stressful,” he snapped.

“You're not alone,” Laxus said passing his arm around the boy's shoulders, hoping it wasn't too intimate a gesture, but the boy seemed to calm down.

“Thank you and excuse me. Shit time,” Freed said.

“Don’t apologize. If I were you, I would’ve punched someone already,” Laxus replied trying to lighten the situation as much as he could. Freed smiled slightly.

“Maybe I will,” he replied, before the phone started ringing again. Freed took it. “Anyway... I'm a bit busy today, see you in the next few days, okay?” he asked. Laxus nodded and stood up, greeting him and giving him a light kiss on the lips after making sure no one was around.

“Quiet, I understand,” he replied. Freed blushed slightly and Laxus was glad to have distracted him for at least a moment, before saying goodbye and getting back on his bike. He should have waited to go out with Freed, but he didn't care, he just thought he was a little unlucky.

***

It had been two weeks since the thieves had destroyed the bar. Laxus had only heard Freed on the phone, telling him some news, but luckily, he seemed calmer with each passing day. They were also chatting right now as Laxus came home after a day's work.

“Listen, would you like to go out one of these nights?” Freed asked suddenly and Laxus was surprised to hear him.

“I… yeah, I thought you didn't have time,” he said.

“No, um... well, I was just afraid to be intractable, but actually I'd love to see you,” Freed said. “Actually, I'm sorry I waited so long before asking you.”

“Calm. Are you free tonight?” Laxus asked as he climbed the stairs to his apartment. Honestly, he hadn't expected anything else.

“Yes, did you already have an idea of what to do?” Freed asked.

“Actually, yes. I'll pick you up in an hour, okay?” he asked, inserting the keys in the door. There was a moment of silence.

“Did you already organize something?” he asked and Laxus smiled to hear his tone happily surprised and even a little guilty.

“Yup. Don't expect fancy dinners, but consider it a date.” Laxus smiled. “Oh, and send me the location of your house, or I'll get lost on the way, “he added.

“Of course,” Freed replied and Laxus knew he was smiling in amusement. They said goodbye and closed the call, thrilled by the date. As soon as he was inside his apartment he dived into the shower, calmly getting ready. He smoothed his hair with the gel hoping the helmet wouldn't ruin it too much and then got dressed. He checked himself in the mirror a couple of times before getting out of there. He got on the bike and went to Freed's apartment, hoping that the boy would’ve fun and that he could get distracted from the latest events.

As soon as he was under his apartment, he rang the bell and waited for Freed to get out. The boy came out of the door with a smile and Laxus paused for a moment to look at him. He had pulled his hair up in a high ponytail and was wearing dark jeans and the usual burgundy leather jacket.

“Hey, do I have to take my bike?” Freed asked as he approached. Laxus shook his head.

“Nah, I'll take you, so at least you can drink,” he said.

“I'm not Cana, I can do without alcohol for once” Freed smiled.

“Yes, but you’re nicer when you drink,” Laxus replied. Freed raised an eyebrow and frowned slightly, then a smirk appeared on his face.

“Well, considering how the evening ended last time, I understand why you want to make sure I drink,” he said. Laxus blushed slightly, but he laughed.

“You can't blame me,” he retorted. “Come on, take your helmet,” he said. Freed didn't reply and went to get the helmet, then climb up behind him.

Laxus left and walked the streets of the city until he left Magnolia. When he was out, he started driving the country roads, hoping that Freed would enjoy both the ride and the scenery. It took them half an hour to get where he wanted, in a small village built on a hill. He walked up the streets until he reached the place where he wanted to dine. Freed got off the motorbike with a smile and handed the helmet to Laxus, who put it inside the trunk of the bike, and then indicated the place to Freed.

“Have you ever been here?” he asked him.

“No,” Freed replied. “I don't ride outside Magnolia much.”

“Bad, you should,” Laxus replied. “Well, they make the best ham here. Hope you like it,” he said. Freed just smiled as the two boys entered the place. Laxus knew the owner, and asked for a seat on the terrace. So, the two boys sat on a small table from which they had a beautiful view of the countryside, with the vineyards and fields illuminated by the sun.

“You really know some nice little places,” Freed commented and Laxus smiled slightly, glad he’d at least like it, even though it was a rustic restaurant with no pretensions.

“I told you. I often went around with my grandfather” he replied shrugging and opening the menu. Actually, he didn't take much to choose, he already knew what to take, but he waited for Freed to decide too. When the boy was ready to order, Laxus also asked for a plate of ham and cheese as an appetizer, so that Freed could taste it.

“This would be the best ham in the area, huh?” Freed asked.

“I’d say about the world, but yes, you came close,” Laxus joked. Freed laughed and took some eating it with breadsticks. Laxus smiled to see that Freed really liked it, and he was also pleased to see that the boy looked really relaxed, despite what was happening at the track. The blond hadn't hoped for too much, knowing full well from Lucy, Evergreen and Bickslow that Freed had had some busy days. He had feared that the boy would be distant and that he would’ve to make an effort to distract him, but Freed was really enjoying the evening.

He told him about a few trips he had taken with Evergreen and Bickslow, even though they had toured other areas and tended to go to the beach more, as the girl preferred to spend time in Hargeon. The two boys chatted all evening without even realizing it, until the sun went down in front of them and it got dark. Small lights were turned on on the terrace and for a moment the two found themselves smiling at each other in silence.

“Do you want dessert?” Laxus asked.

“I don't know if I could eat it,” Freed admitted.

“It's a shame, they make delicious cakes” Laxus commented. “If you don't mind, I'll take a slice.”

“Go ahead,” Freed smiled. “I'll get something to drink.” Laxus raised his eyebrows at him curiously. The two had ordered some wine still for starters, but while the blond had limited himself to having a glass knowing that he’d drive, Freed had drunk the rest.

“You really take advantage of it,” he observed.

“Well, for once I'm not driving,” Freed smiled. Laxus chuckled and let him do it. They ordered the waitress and remained silent for a while, enjoying the pleasant evening until the woman returned with their orders. At that point Laxus pushed the saucer towards Freed to make him taste it and the boy thanked him by taking a curious bite. “It's really good,” he admitted.

“Indeed, it is. Their cakes are made with the fruit they grow here, not with those tasteless crap you buy in the store,” Laxus replied. Freed laughed.

“Do they also make liquor with the fruit they have here?” he asked curiously as he drank and Laxus nodded.

“Yup. You know, my grandfather also makes liquor at home. Well, he drinks a lot,” Laxus said.

“And you’ve learned?”.

“More or less,” Laxus said. “I'd rather learn how to make beer honestly,” he added with a shrug. Freed guessed it. Once they even finished eating the dessert, with Freed taking a few bites from time to time, the two boys went to pay. Laxus immediately saw that Freed was taking his wallet and put his hand on his wrist.

“I brought you here, I pay for it,” he said.

“But…”.

“No arguments,” Laxus insisted louder. Freed glanced at the woman at the counter and then gave up.

“Thank you”.

Fortunately, it hadn't been difficult to convince him. Freed left the club waiting for Laxus to pay and the blond did so willingly. But when he came out, he noticed that the boy was thoughtful and was looking at the motorbike with a bitter expression. For a moment he worried that he wasn't enjoying, but he quickly realized how stupid that idea was. Obviously Freed had enjoyed it, he had shown it all evening. Maybe he'd gotten a work message, or maybe he'd been thinking about his problems again.

“Everything good?” Laxus asked. Freed looked up at him and smiled.

“Yes, it's nothing”.

“Sure?”. Freed started to nod again, but stopped and his expression turned guilty.

“It's just… I'm sorry I didn't do anything for you. I haven't even thought of arranging a date for you, while you've obviously been thinking about it for a while. And it was nice but…”

“Hey,” Laxus interrupted, passing a hand on the boy's back. “You’ve your thoughts, it's normal, especially with what happened.”

“Yes but…”.

“Shut up,” Laxus said and leaned over him to leave him a quick kiss on his lips, which made them both blush. “If you like, you'll organize the next one for me, otherwise it's fine. I'll take you to another nice place and I'll show you all the places I've been through”. Freed smiled softly.

“It's a good idea, but I'd rather take you to dinner next time.”

“Okay,” Laxus smiled. He saw Freed approaching and followed his lead by lowering himself and closing his eyes. The kiss was slower than before, and they moved their lips gently against each other, getting closer and hugging each other. In a short time, however, the kiss became more intense, as Laxus pushed Freed against a nearby wall. He hadn't planned it, but he found himself wandering with his hands on the boy's hips and when they broke away, they were both panting.

They were closer than he had thought, with Freed practically squashed against him and their crotches pressed against each other. That wasn't okay, because he was getting more aroused than expected. He stared at Freed with his heart in his mouth, feeling high. They had already had sex, true, but this was still their first date. Yet Laxus had a mad desire to throw himself on that body and take off his clothes, enjoying again as he had already done more than two weeks ago.

They remained silent for a while, just looking at each other, while Laxus tried to hold back his instincts, despite the fact that he didn’t intend to move from his position. He didn't want to move his hands from Freed's body, or part with the heat of his body.

“Let's go to my apartment?” Freed suggested. Laxus swallowed hard and nodded. He was about to break away but saw that Freed was again reaching for him, running his hands through his hair. And Laxus wasn't about to let him down. They started kissing again. The pressure between their bodies, especially in the lower parts, made them both aroused and the two boys moaned in the kiss as they hugged each other. Only when they heard the door of the room open, did they realize that they were still in public and broke away, albeit reluctantly.

“Damn,” Laxus murmured running a hand through his hair trying to recover. At least he wasn't the only stunned, Freed was in his own state.

“Yeah,” he said with a half-smile. “Let's go?” he asked pointing to the bike. Laxus nodded and the two set off to get on it. Laxus took the two helmets and passed Freed's to the boy when a stupid idea came to mind.

“You know, although a motorcycle isn’t comparable to a car, the car definitely has an advantage,” he commented, without even thinking. Freed looked at him puzzled not understanding and the blond smiled crookedly. “If we had a car, we wouldn't have to wait to get home,” he admitted in a half laugh. Freed looked at him for a stunned moment and then smiled mischievously, pushing towards him and reaching out to his chest, taking Laxus' breath away.

“Maybe you're right, but you know, there’s a thrill to do it even outdoors,” he said mischievously.

“Oh shit”.

The two looked at each other for a moment, both extremely excited, probably evaluating the situation.

“Sure, you know some place nearby that’s a bit isolated,” Freed continued.

Oh shit.

“Get on the bike,” Laxus ordered hoarsely, not intending to wait a minute longer. Freed didn’t have it repeated and the blond left immediately. Five minutes later they were both in an isolated corner of the countryside, surrounded by trees, one on top of the other.

***

The track had reopened, but Freed was still not in the best of spirits. There were still some things to fix at the bar, but all in all the business had resumed, not without some difficulties, both because of the article by Freed's father and because of the robbery. Despite this, the boy tried hard not to make all his bad mood weigh on the others. The only good moments were those he spent with Laxus, which to tell the truth were not few.

Indeed, Laxus was fantastic, the two had had many dates, all of which went just fine. By now they spent at least two evenings of the week in company, either at the bar, or at the home of one of the two. They still hadn't said anything to anyone else, just because they hadn't made anything official yet. It was something Freed had been thinking about for a while, but he still hadn't told Laxus about it.

The phone vibrated and noticed that it was yet another call from his mother. He silenced the call and ignored it. She had been calling him a lot lately, but Freed kept avoiding talking to her. After what they had done in his track, he had no intention of having anything to do with them. He just hoped they were done bothering him.

Someone knocked on the office door and shortly after Lucy's head came out.

“Hey, me Natsu and Laxus are going for a ride to Hargeon, are you coming with us?” she asked. Freed looked down at the table and sighed.

“Maybe another time”.

“You said that yesterday too,” the blonde pointed out.

“Yes, well...”.

“And then you’ve to tell me what's between you and Laxus”.

“What?” Freed asked, looking up. Lucy smiled slyly.

“I saw Brandish the other day, and she told me that she and Dimaria can no longer come to your house, because the tub is occupied by you and a certain well-dressed blonde,” she said in an amused tone. Freed shook his head in resignation. He had to imagine that his cousin was talking nonsense.

“Fine, but not this afternoon,” he clarified.

“Well, if you don't come with us, I'll have to ask Laxus…” Lucy said.

“I get it,” Freed snapped as he stood up, not quite as annoyed as he showed. The girl smiled with satisfaction. “I hate you,” he muttered.

“No, that's not true” Lucy retorted with a smile “And now, let's go!” she exclaimed taking him by the arm and dragging him out of the study. “So, how long have you been dating?” she asked in a low voice so as not to be heard by the others. At least she was discreet, not like her boyfriend.

“Lucy... I said I'm not going to talk about it in the afternoon.”

“Would you prefer me to ask with Laxus there?” she asked with a laugh. Freed stiffened at the thought.

“I swear I'll tell you everything, but not now,” he said at that point. Lucy was pleased with it and soon they joined the other two boys.

The four left and walked calmly towards Hargeon.

Freed ended up standing in front of everyone, still with the thoughts of a father in his mind. Usually when he drove, he could concentrate on driving and have fun, but right now he was just thinking about all the calls he had ignored. That was the reason why he noticed too late the car that was overtaking on the other side, occupying his lane. He realized the danger, but his body acted too late. He tried to swerve to avoid the impact, but it was useless. The car crashed into him and he felt himself flying out of the vehicle, violently banging his head on the ground. The last thing he saw was the asphalt, before he lost consciousness.

[iamwhoiamtmblr]

Title: Remember Who You Are

Story Rating: Chapter 21 -18+++    Last chapter in this series.

Warnings: Sex (intercourse), Romance

Relationships: Nomad Steve Rogers x Female Reader or Steve Rogers x Female Reader (Depends on your definition of him)

Master List - Link to Other Chapters

(Captain America photos property of Marvel)

All characters are property of Marvel.

The Avengers were back in the conference room. They were debriefing everything that had happened at the cabin. They were grateful they figured out in time where you were to save you. Steve would never have recovered if you had died. They were listening and arguing with the council regarding Sin and Crossbones. The Avengers all wanted them in front of a judge, tried and executed but the council disagreed; they say they could be valuable in the future. Fury was rolling his eyes at them. 

“Same thing as the Battle of New York; stupid ass decision.” (Fury)

Fury shakes his head and ventures downstairs.

You awaken to find yourself in the medical ward. You try to sit up, it’s painful; you’re in a lot of pain. You sigh, now realizing that you’re back at the compound again where it all started.  Bruce and Fury see that you’re awake and approach the bed. “How are you now? (Bruce) “Tired and sore.” Bruce places another pillow behind your head. “They removed the bullet. The wound was severe; you’ll need a lot of rest to heal. If that bullet had gone an inch in any direction, I don’t know if you would be here.” You sigh. “Why did you do that?” “He told me he loves me, somehow I know it’s true even though I don’t remember him.” Bruce nods.

“Do you remember your name or anything about yourself?” (Bruce) “No.” you whisper. “I also did another MRI while you were unconscious. There’s no permanent damage.” You nod.

You look around the room and see the man who loves you sleeping in a recliner chair beside you covered into a blanket. “He hasn’t left your side since returning from the cabin. He wants to be here when you wake up.” (Bruce)

“You may not remember him but he loves you so much. This whole thing has worn him down to the core. He never stopped looking for you.” (Fury) You stare at Steve, wondering why all of this happened.

“Do you know why they took you?” (Fury) “I don’t know. They kept talking about Captain America.” You replied sadly. “Y/N, Steve is Captain America.” (Fury) You looked shocked. “What?!” Bruce nods.

“Why did you go to the cabin?” (Fury) “I knew I would be safe there.” “It must be in your subconscious memory. Get some rest ok.” (Bruce) Bruce turns and goes back to the nurse’s station in the hallway.

You turn your head to see Steve awake and looking at you. “How are you?” “Tired and sore.” “Do you remember me?” “No…..” You start to cry. “Don’t cry baby girl.” (Steve) Steve caresses your cheek, wiping away the tears. You lay back down on the bed.

“I’ll leave you two alone.” (Fury)

“I don’t want this to ever happen again. I know I have enemies who want to hurt me and I don’t want you to get hurt. I promise that this will never happen again. I won’t let it!!” “With your memory gone, I feel like I still lost you.” Steve sighed. He reaches for your hands.

“After everything we’ve gone through, I don’t ever want to take you for granted and to appreciate everything you are to me. I learned to hard way, you were taken from me, I nearly lost you.”

“Look, I want to sell the house.” “What house?” “The one I bought for us. I want a new place.” “Why?” “Because you were taken from there; it only has bad memories for me, nights alone in the house without you, finding the blood in the bedroom. Worrying, fretting, wondering what happen to you, where you were, even if you were still alive.” Steve sits down on the bed with you, gently pulling you to hug him, you can hear his heart. “Come here.”

Steve reaches for the necklace around his neck and removes it. He takes the ring off and holds it in his hand. You sigh. “Is this mine?” “Yes but you don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to.” “I want to.” Steve places it on your finger, its back where it belongs. “I want you to remember us.” (Steve) You hang your head down. “I wish I did.” You start to cry again. Steve crushes you into his arms. “Me too.” Tears go down his cheeks. “Can we start over?” (Steve) You nod yes. “I know you love me.” Steve sighs; soft smile on his face. At least he has you in his arms again and you’re willing to try.

“Fury has put me on extended leave for 6 months, the same as you.” You’re puzzled “Why?” “You don’t have your memory back. Your injuries were extensive. He says you need time. You need to heal.” “I just want to go back to the cabin.” (You) “Ok. I promise.” You rest your head on his shoulder. He kisses the top of your head. You both close your eyes, tears running down both of yours and Steve’s cheeks.

(Meanwhile…)

Fury and Nat are in the interrogation room. Crossbones and Sin are sitting at 2 different ends of the table, shackled and chained. Both of them were shot, their wounds tended to. Crossbones had some broken ribs and concussion too, courtesy of Tony. He was in extreme pain but they both were in too much pain to try to escape. The medics wouldn’t allow them to have any painkillers.

“Even though everyone here wants both of you dead, the council has ordered that you both be kept alive. I wanted to let you know that you will be sent to the “Raft” our super maximum prison, which you know is underwater. Do you know how to swim?” Fury laughs. Sin stares at Natasha. “I’ll get you bitch!” “Now now Sin, you’re going to have to make the best of this. Hell, you two might even be cellmates” Fury smiles. Sin laughed. “Seriously asshole, to hell with that!” “Keep that bitch away from me! Fucking bitch shot me twice!!” (Crossbones) “You deserved it!” (Sin) Coulson walks in. “Everything is ready.” “Time to go….all aboard the chopper.”

“I’ll escape!” Sin sneers. Nat smiles “We’ll be ready and waiting.”

Fury decides to escort them personally to the prison.  Sin and Crossbones were loaded onto the chopper. Tony & Rhodes land beside the jet in their suits. “We’re ready.”

Tony and Rhodes are ensuring that no one will intercept them. Thor and the Falcon will ride inside the helicopter. Fury is taking no chances with this situation. The helicopter starts to takes off, inside Sin and Crossbones stare across from at each other.

“Bitch!” “Asshole!” Fury can’t help but laugh.

(6 months later) You and Steve have been staying the compound. He sold the house immediately. He decided to wait before asking you about getting another house. You didn’t need the stress.

Going through rehab was really tough for you after all the injuries you suffered. The visits with the Psychologists and Psychiatrists have been brutal. Everything they tried to allow your memory to return has failed.  You still have the headaches and trouble sleeping.

Thankfully Bruce gave you a medical clearance to return to work.  Fury made the decision himself to put you on desk duty indefinitely. He wants you fully healed. He also wanted Steve to heal as well; both physical and mentally. This whole situation wore him down to his core. Not putting you in the path of dangerous situations would help him feel better, no worrying about you getting hurt or taken again.

Despite all this, Steve was happy that you & he started over. He’s been ‘dating’ you, so to speak. It gave him hope as you were still wearing his engagement ring.  Steve wanted you to remember him, to remember the both of you. He knew this would be difficult. He hasn’t and won’t give up on you. The last 6 months have been tough for him; being patient wasn’t his strong suit.

You know he loves you. He knew you well enough to figure out where you went and came to save you; now he wouldn’t leave your side. He showed you tenderness, love, compassion, patience and strength. You were falling in love with him all over again. He even tried different ways to trigger your memory too. Places you went to, your favorite things, reliving your first date, the ice Cream Shack, your favorite foods. Nothing worked.

With Bruce’s consent, Steve decides it’s time to take you to the cabin. Throughout the long drive Steve wouldn’t let go of you hand. Sometimes you thought if he let go, he would be afraid to lose you again.  He hopes bringing you here would help, in fact, you told him you wanted to come here.

You walk in the door of the cabin, looking around. You remember everything that happened here when Sin and Crossbones came after you. It should frighten you, never the less, still you still feel safe here.

“You ok?” (Steve) You nod. “I want to go for a walk.” Steve smiles, he intertwines your fingers with his. You both start down the path. You stay outside for most of the day. You even happened upon the old haunted mill. As night fell, you watch the stars in the night sky. “Hold me.”  (You) Steve pulls you in his arms. “I will always hold you; I’ll never let you go.” He tips your chin up, he gently kisses you. You smile. “Time for bed baby-girl, I’m cold and tired.” (Steve)

You both enter the cabin. Steve follows in behind you. He starts kissing your neck and nibbles on your ear; you smile. You turn to face Steve. You wrap your arms around his neck and kiss him tenderly.

During the last 6 months he didn’t want to have any setbacks. Steve desired you, wanted to show you he loves you physically. He wanted you back in bed again. But he told you he wouldn’t pressure you into doing anything you weren’t comfortable with. He was afraid to touch as he feared you might leave him and run away scared. He has you back in his arms again and he’s vowed never to let you go!

You find the courage to say these words “Do you want me Steve?” He smiles, “You know I do.” “You’ve been patient with me, I want to thank you for that.” You whisper. He kissed your forehead. He sighs.

Steve is very nervous, he wants to make love to you but he’s afraid. He decides to let you lead. You gently nip at his neck. Steve removes his sweater and t-shirt. You stand on your tippy-toes and start placing kisses down his neck to his chest, even licking and sucking on one of his nipples.

Steve gasps. You reach for his jeans; unbutton and carefully unzip them. Steve discards his jeans. The top of his cock springs out of his underwear. “Oh, I can tell you want me.” You smile. He tips up your chin and looks at you in the eyes. “I will want you forever, you know that. You’re mine. The question is do you want me?” He whispers. You nod. Steve starts kissing you passionately, pulling you towards him. “What do you want me to do?” you ask. “Make love with me.” You nod again. “Undress me Steve.”

Steve smiles; starting with your hoodie and bra. He careful removes them. He gently kisses your neck, massaging your breasts, playing with your nipples. He gently takes each nipple into his mouth and teases them. You softly moan at his gentle touch. Steve picks you up and lays you down on the blankets in front of the fireplace. You help him remove the rest of your clothing. He sits back on his legs and takes in the sight of you before him; laying naked and waiting for him, wanting him; 6 months he’s waited for this.

He placed himself above you kissing you passionately, deep kisses leaving you breathless. “I want you……please baby-girl.” You nod. You help him remove is underwear and his cock springs out; hard as a rock. You gently run your hand the length of it. Steve trembles at your touch.

“I’ve missed you…. I missed this so much….!”

Steve places himself on you, resting on his elbows. He’s looking at you right in the eyes. You see lust, passion, desire and most importantly love. You raise yourself up and kiss him. Steve wraps his arms around you, flips on his back and pulls you on top of him, straddling his hips. Steve sits up with his arms around you. He can’t stop kissing and caressing your body; his touch teasing you.

You hold his head against your chest, feeling his hot breath. Steve raises you up by your hips and gently inserts his rock hard cock inside you. You gasp as you feel the hardness. He moans when you start to rock your hips against him. He holds you tighter against him, kissing your neck, breasts and your jawline. You run your fingers through his hair. He moans again. He begins rocking you, moving in and out of you with small strokes.

You sigh. “What’s wrong?” (Steve) “Nothing. everything is perfect.” you smile. “Hold on to me!” (Steve)

You hold on tight to Steve. He picks you up, withdrawing, carries you over to the bed and places you in the middle. He slowly climbs back on top of you, inserting him-self in you once again. You shudder. You start to touch Steve, caress his body. You reach up and kiss his neck. He begins to thrust, small strokes. You grab Steve and put your arms around him and your legs around his hips. Steve’s in heaven. He waited so long to have you; he’s not going to rush this.

He puts his hands underneath you, caressing your back, placing his hands under your bottom to change the angle of penetration. You start to moan even more. He thrusts becomes harder. You feel your core tightening. You place your head in the crock of his neck, your hot breath teasing him.

Steve thrusts now are even faster. Your body is overcome with waves of pleasure. Steve can feel them too. His muscles are tightening; you’re gripping him harder. He smiles to the way your body is responding to his. His patience has been satisfied. To tease you, he begins to rub your clit, slowly, causing you to squirm beneath him. Steve can’t hold back anymore.

“I’m so close Baby-girl…” “Then cum…” “Not without you…” he whispers into your ear. Steve thrusts faster and faster, you’re clinging to him for dear life.  He remembers where your sensitive spot is. “Cum for me….please.” He didn’t need to wait long, a few moments later, you feel your walls spasming; your orgasm hitting you hard. “Steve!” you scream. Steve came at the same time. You feel the warmth inside you. Both of you are out of breath. He collapses on top of you; kissing you tenderly.

“I love you Baby-girl.” You look directly in his eyes “I love you Steve.”

Steve can’t stop smiling. Even though you don’t remember the past, he has your heart again.  You made love, you were his again and most importantly you told him you love him. Wanda was right; after everything you went through, he was still in your mind somewhere.

Steve rolls off of you. You are chilled by the cold air. He sees you shiver and picks you up and places you in back front of the fireplace to warm you up; tucking you under the blankets. He kisses you softly on your forehead. Steve feels like celebrating. He goes to get a bottle of champagne from the mini fridge for you both to drink. You curl up on the floor on the blankets. You sigh as you are happy and content.

Out of the corner of your eye you see a dried purple rose just behind the firewood on the floor.

“Oh look, a purple rose, my favorite. It must have missed when you cleaned up that night.” “What?” (Steve) “You know, the night you proposed to me. You brought me here to the cabin. That was quite the night.” you blush. Steve drops the bottle and the glasses on the floor. Startled you jump. “Why did you drop the bottle?” (You) Steve stuttered “You remember?” “Yes silly, you proposed and made love to me in front of the fireplace, remember? There were candles everywhere; you were sitting waiting for me.” Steve can’t speak. He kneels down beside you on the floor. “You need to clean up the mess Steve.” You laugh. He stares at you. “What’s wrong? What? Why are you looking at me like that?” (You) Tears are rolling down Steve’s cheeks. He touches your face and he smiles. “Why are you crying?” It took you a couple of minutes to realize what you said. “I…..” You gasp. “Remember who you are.” (Steve)

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Wanda was right. He was still a part of your mind. All it took was Steve’s love for you to remember who you are.

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I hope you liked the story as much as I loved writing it. 💜

[xxisxxisxxis]

La fin

Inspired by this ask.

Present day Duff and Vivian reflect on their romantic relationship

I sat down with my best friend to discuss our affair for the first time in 26 years…and gain a final piece of closure the two of us have yet to attain from one another. 

"This is gonna be interesting because both of our spouses are here." I say as I sit down, at my kitchen bar and Duff takes a sip of his water before joining me.

"Nah, Su's as cool as a cucumber. We got this." He replies. "...I don't know about Sixx but me, you and Su can handle it." He teases. 

"If you get war flashbacks, baby, just remember you're sober." I tell Nikki and he chuckles. 

"I'll just go to the bathroom and sing 'Kumbaya'." Nikki adds and Susan laughs. 

"It won't be that bad." She assures him. "I got my waterproof mascara on. I'm ready." 

"I'm getting through this without crying." I state.

"You cry over google commercials, Viv." Duff informs me.

"Because they know how to market. This happened…" I have to do the math. "...thirty-two and a half years ago. I won't cry." 

"Okay, well, just in case, I came prepared." Susan tosses me a pack of Kleenex. 

"Thank you." I say to her, doubting I'll need it.

"I'm about to start the camera." Nikki tells us, going to press start on the camera he's got set up to film this. "Oh, it's already started." He states. 

"It's okay, people won't care." I shrug, taking a sip of my Pepsi. "Okay, Hey, Guys." I say to the camera. "This is a very special occasion because I'm here with my best friend, and the father of my first child, Michael Andrew McKagan a.k.a Duff McKagan a.k.a Daddy McKagan according to some of you nasty, freaky, bastards." I pipe and Duff rubs his face. 

"Oh my God." He chuckles. 

"Do you read your instagram comments?" I remind him and he nods. 

"It's just so weird to hear it in real time." He explains. "I think that's one of the most odd things you can call a sexual partner. Like…'daddy'..."

We just stare at each other for a moment and I look at the camera. 

"He just single handedly dragged me in the nicest way possible." I say to him as Nikki and Susan try not to laugh. 

"No, I jus--well, you can say whatever the hell you wanna say and call him whatever you wanna call him because you've earned it with the shit you've been through, but it's just odd for me to go online and there's, like, girls 30 years younger than me calling me 'daddy.' Like, I'm not sure if you realize this, sweetie, but I have daughters your age." He points out and I start laughing. "I-I could actually be your dad. Careful now." 

"I think Vince has a higher chance of being these horny girls' father." I state. 

"I know, but it's just food for thought, you know?" He shrugs. 

"I don't even know how to transition from that to the topic--which is a serious topic, but this is just...oh my gosh." I giggle out, not able to stop. 

"Speaking of 'food for thought'," He creates a transition for us to go into what we're talking about and I take the opportunity. 

"Yes, we will be discussing our weird relationship-but-not-really-because-I-was-married-and-confused situationship in honor of my book coming out 'Verbatim: The Truth, The Whole Truth, & Nothing Left Unsaid', which tells everything that happened from 1981, to early 2000s, that people have already read about in everybody else's books." I explain. "I've had this, 'it isn't anybody's business' mindset and now, I feel like I'm in a place where I can tell what happened, including our thing--which is something, believe it or not, we have not talked about as much as people think we have." 

"No, we haven't." 

"I don't know exactly why we haven't spoken about it much, like it happened, it obviously happened because we got a son out of it...we just haven't acknowledged it happened, really. Which is why we're gonna ask the tough questions and hopefully get through some stuff."

"Which is nice because I honestly think the last time we even alluded to it was 1994, right after I got sober, and was advised to resolve things in my friendships, and even then we didn't get everything out there." He replies. "At least I didn't, and I feel like a lot of people have something to say about it, and we spent so many years letting other people define what that time was to us--which it was such a private and personal thing between the two of us that other people's two cent shouldn't have had the impact on us that it did--but we let it get to that point where we lost sight of what it meant to us and let it be defined however the fuck people wanted to call it. And that wasn't good for either of us, and I think that's one of the things that's kept me from bringing it up again. Especially now that, ya know, I'm married, have two grown daughters with Susan, you have Nikki and your children, and I've always thought there's no point in bringing something up that happened--like you said--thirty-two, almost thirty-three--years ago.

"Because you don't want to hear the b.s."

"Because I don't want to hear the b.s." He agrees. "But the more I've thought about it, there are parts of me that feels like I didn't get to say what I wanted to say when we decided to go separate ways, and that just gets fucking heavier and heavier with each year, and I'm sure you might, too." 

"Oh, definitely." I agree completely, able to relate to it. "I feel like one of the main reasons for me, why I haven't tried to talk to you about it is because, like you said, people will automatically start something out of absolutely nothing, but also because I felt like I never had the right to." I state and he furrows his brows a little. "Why did you wait so long to tell me how you really felt about me?

He lets out a breath before thinking a moment. 

"I refused to hinder what little happiness you had left in your relationship with Nikki. I knew you guys were struggling, I knew you were fighting like hell to get your relationship back on track, and I didn't want you to have any more confusion going on than what was already being put on you and if I would have told you how I felt, that would've done that. And then I was with Mandy for a while and that kinda helped me feel like I was over those feelings, but I realized I wasn't when she and I broke up."

"Did anybody else know about how you felt or..?"

"Well, I--yeah, Stevie thought it was just a little, like, I had a crush on you, but Izzy knew I loved you...which is why he wasn't shocked when they found out about us." He says. "...Of course he wasn't surprised because all the Nikki/Vanity stuff happened, so he was kinda expecting you to do something, which--okay, I don't know how to ask this." He admits, thinking of how to word it, glancing at Nikki. 

"What?" I ask him. 

"I just don't want to come across as an asshole for asking this because I'm assuming it's a lot deeper than just...okay, whatever, I'm asking it." He decides. 

"Okay." I prepare for it and he sighs. 

"Why did it take that level of public humiliation for you to realize you weren't in a good marriage?" He asks and it nearly makes the breath leave my body, Nikki and I looking at each other. 

"Because it was public." I confess. "Everything else that had been done, had been done in private. There was no public input on it, there was nobody watching the situation unfold under a microscope, everything that happened up to that point was private. So, he could trip during a crack binge and shoot me and I could stay with him because I didn't have the public watching me, giving their opinions. But when his mistress announces it on TV, I can't just gloss over that because now everybody knows and has an inkling that 'uh oh, they're not this perfect relationship they've made people believe they are' and yes we came out and said it was a lie and tried to undo that damage that Denise caused, so physically I was still in the marriage, mentally I was drawing up divorce papers. And I'm not completely sure it was just the very public aspect of it, I think it was the fact it was her. And I realized, 'I can't compete with a woman who has absolutely everything about her that Nikki is addicted to: she knows how to have a good time, she's equally as wild as him, she's got the sex appeal, she's got all the drugs, she's on the same level as him in terms of entertainment industry' just everything that I wasn't...she was. And I was too exhausted at the point to try to compete with her so I gave up when that came out."

"I remember Izzy ranting, 'she's fucking comparing herself to Vanity and there's no reason to'." He impersonates Izzy and I chuckle. 

"He drilled into my head for years to follow that I was fine the way I was, I didn't need to change anything about my looks, my personality, my hobbies, my sobriety, like it was like 'The Help' when she's constantly reassuring the little girl 'you is smart, you is kind, you is important'." I quote. "Anytime Izzy could see me struggling with myself or not feeling my best he'd be like 'seventeen outta ten, Viv. Seventeen.'" 

Duff looks enlightened, and points to the space behind my right ear. 

"That's why've got '17' right there." He realizes and I nod. "In his writing." He adds. 

"In his writing." I confirm. 

"That's--wow. I didn't know you struggled with that for so long because there was no competition." He assures me.

"Well, I already had shitty self-esteem and then that made it worse, and then even when you and I were together I still had this fear a little bit that you were only with me to help yourself get over Mandy." 

"Abso-fucking-lutely not." He doesn't even think before saying and I feel myself tear up a little. "No way. No freaking way. I loved you, Viv, I really, really did. When you told me that you were filing as soon as the tour was over I started planning out our lives together, as crazy or cheesy that makes me seem, like, I was really going for it." He tells me.

"Duff." I feel guilty, my heart aching a little. 

"I remembered, 'okay, she wants this many kids, she says she likes dogs but really wants a cat, too, she doesn't want to live in the middle of the city, she doesn't want an over-the-top house, she wants to go back to school at some point so I'll put away some savings for that', like, I was planning out everything and fitting Guns N' Roses in wherever there was time in that whole plan. I was ready to be with you and start a life with you. I really, really was." He adds and I see Susan's sympathy for him, only adding to my guilt. 

"Well, just rip my heart out, why don't you?" I ask him to add some relief and Susan giggles, her bright smile coming back to her lips. 

"Right?" She asks. "Geez, babe." 

"I'm just saying." Duff tells us. 

"Nikki didn't even plan his days out when he woke up back then, and then you were there with a calculator adding up how much money you probably needed to put away for my schooling." 

"We wouldn't have had any money to go to school, anyway, Viv, 'cause it was all going to taxes and heroin." Nikki points out and I think for a moment. 

"And house payments." 

"And house payments." He agrees as I look back to Duff, who looks like he's thinking about something. 

"Okay, sorry if this is a weird question, but what did you mean you felt like you had 'no right' to talk about our relationship?" 

"Okay, well, we broke up, I was working on things with Nikki, you married Mandy four months after we broke up...I felt like 'okay, you've already gotten your husband back, he's gotten Mandy back, they're married, who the--' pardon my french ''--fuck are you to bring up your relationship and how it affected your friendship when you're both married to other people and doing your own things? Who are you to be worried with your time with him when you're with Nikki and he's got a wife, now?'." 

"Ohh, yeah. Yeah." He knows what I'm talking about, nodding. "So, you kinda felt like it was disrespectful to dwell on it too long." He adds. 

"Exactly. And I didn't want to disrespect Nikki, or Mandy, or Linda, and now Susan, by trying to work on us again, as friends, because we are exes, whether we want to admit it, we are. We dated. And I feel like it's easy to forget that sometimes because it was so long ago and that freaking sucks because I don't want…" My voice cracks and he looks at me pointedly as tears come to my eyes and I take a deep breath. "...I don't want to forget that time. And I'm not trying to be rude to my marriage or yours or make it seem like I still have those feelings for you, because I don't, but I don't want to forget there was a time in that hellacious cycle my life was in at that moment, that for a few months, I was genuinely happy in the midst of my life falling apart." I explain, sniffling. "And that wouldn't have been the case, if not for you. And I don't want to forget that." 

"Vivian." He says as I grab at a tissue and I see Susan knuckle a tear in her tear duct. 

"I don't know, it just felt like there was never a right time to address what happened fully because everything was happening so fast in our personal lives, for you and Guns, for Nikki and the band, I started having kids, and you got married a second time and your drinking was worse and worse, so it just never happened." 

"Can I ask you something else?" He says and I nod. "When do you think we should have said, 'look, we were together, it happened, and it's okay'. Because we avoided it like the plague for years and still do at times, and that's practically due to--like I said earlier--listening to how people defined it. Like you were called a 'whore' and a 'slut' and just awful shit in public and in papers and tabloids for years after it happened and I feel like because of that, there was that element of 'we should be ashamed of ourselves and just pretend it never fucking happened' surrounding it, even though we had Monroe who's breathing proof of what happened at some point, but we just treated it as if we adopted him together as friends or something like--" I laugh, wiping a tear, and he laughs with me for a few seconds. "--it's the truth, though, we never talked about our relationship. We went on Howard Stern in '88 right after Monroe was born, and he grilled us about it, but we just shut the fuck down after that and didn't speak of anything again for a couple years until we got in that fight over you limiting my time with Monroe, and then again in '94, and that was it--and none of those times really accomplished anything. At all." 

"We should have had that conversation before you got married to Mandy that May." I point out.

"That was so, so soon." He smiles nervously. "That was too soon, way too soon, to get married."

"You proposed to her the day after we broke up." I recall and he nods. 

"I sure did. I sure as hell did. So stupid." He states. "I learned not to make important decisions when I'm in pain. 'Cause I married two different women when I was going through some painful stuff and only made it worse." He explains. 

"And see that's the thing because you had me completely convinced you wanted Mandy. Like I felt so much better when we broke up, knowing you were with who you really wanted to be with, and I was with who I wanted to be with, and then I found out in an argument with you that you were miserable and married Mandy to try to make yourself excited about being back together with her." 

"And that's exactly why I told you that because I needed you to be happy and if I would have told you how I really felt about you, you wouldn't have been happy because you would've felt guilty for staying with Nikki and fixing things with him. And I wouldn't have forgiven myself if I would have put you through that so I married Mandy so fast because I was hurt, and I thought I loved her as much as I loved you, and I held on to that and ran with it." He tells me. "Why wasn't I good enough for you to stay?" 

I go to answer, before the weight of what he's asking really hits me, and several tears topple down my cheeks before I'm wiping them away. 

"I can't begin to put into words how highly you surpassed 'good enough'." I inform him when I finally speak. "Um, my decision to stay with Nikki had absolutely nothing to do with you. That was all me, and issues I thought were resolved within myself that weren't resolved at all, I was just ignoring them." I say. "And something in me was telling me not to stay with you...and I fully believe that was God telling me to back the hell off because he had a plan for you and I had no business accompanying you in that plan as your significant other." I explain. "And I hate to say this, but I really feel like we would have gotten divorced." 

His eyes widen and his brows raise, a knowing smile on his lips as his nods his head. 

"And I hate to think that but we would have made it, maybe, up until '92 because I wasn't even your wife or your girlfriend but just being around you made me so miserable." I admit. "I-It was like--you would get up and start drinking until you passed out that night. I was watching the person who had his shit together the most in my life, fall apart, and that was scary for me because we had a son who was witnessing his dad spiral." 

"Yeah." He rubs his lips together. 

"And getting you to take accountability for what you were doing was like trying to bathe a cat." I add.

"And it took me months after getting sober to evaluate what went wrong in my life with the band, what went wrong in my relationships, what went wrong in my parenting with Monroe, what went wrong in my friendship/co-parentship with you, and own up to what I played a part in because none of it imploded on it's own, or just because of other people, like I played a part in all of it, too, and admitting that took a lot of time to swallow my pride and just accept that I became the very thing I got pissed at Nikki for being, years prior to that, and saying, 'okay, I made all those mistakes, I fucked up, how can I do better and learn from it to better myself, to better my friendships, to better my relationship with my son, and just do what I'm supposed to do?' And I even ended up going to Nikki, and apologizing for what happened between us," he motions between me and him, "because even before you and him were separated over the Vanity thing, knowing you went to me for shit, over him, made him feel less than, made him feel like he wasn't a good enough husband and I kinda felt the same way when he stepped up for Monroe when I was going through my drinking, and it made me feel like I wasn't adequate enough as a father because Monroe was leaning a bit more on him than he was on me, and for the shit I was going through in my life with my alcoholism and drugs, I was doing the best I could do as a dad. And it made me realize that Nikki was doing the best he could do as a husband back when he was in the thick of his heroin addiction, because he was sick and couldn't fucking help himself, just like I was sick and couldn't help myself, and neither of us wanted to hear we had a problem, neither of us wanted help. And I know people are gonna, 'well, Nikki cheated and was mean to her and this and that', I know what you looked like when Nikki was hurting you. I know the look you would get on your face...I know that I hurt you as much as Nikki did through my drinking because you would look at me the way you would look at him when you weren't recognizing the person in front of you due to how royally they had fucked themselves up." 

"Yes." I nod, not even arguing. 

"And that fucking hurt to realize that I was hurting you as bad as he had, and I remembered getting so pissed at him for doing that back in '86/'87 as he got worse, but then I did it, too, and that experience really opened my eyes when I got sober because I wouldn't have been humbled in that way had I not had a drinking addiction and reached that low, and I do think that's one of the reasons that was allowed to happen to me." He finishes and I take a deep breath before asking:

"If Monroe wouldn't have been conceived, if we wouldn't have had a child to come out of our relationship, knowing what we know now, how we ended up not staying together, the public slander and stuff we had to go through...would you still have had a relationship with me, if you could go back and change it?" 

"Without a doubt, yes." He says, matter-of-fact. "It would have been a waste of a blessing to not have taken the opportunity to love someone as recklessly--maybe even stupidly, at times--unconditionally, with the magnitude I loved you with, at such a young age. Like, usually you can expect to find something like what we had when people get a little older, and get through all their bullshit relationships before finding the person that loves them for them fully, but I had the chance of experiencing that when I was, like, in my early twenties...and I didn't experience that again, and so much more, until I met Susan." He says and I nod. "And I don't want you to think that because we haven't spoken about it, maybe as much as we should have, that I'm ashamed of you or us or embarrassed, because I'm not proud that we did what we did in that timing--because it was really shitty timing and we both can agree on that, I think," he raises his brows and I agree, "but I will never be ashamed, or apologetic,  or embarrassed that I ever had that with you. I felt like one of the most fortunate people to even know you, and then to have that relationship we had--even for the few months it lasted--was just...it was such a short time compared to how long you've been with Nikki and how long I've been with Su, but we spent it loving each other the best that we could. And we really did love each other, and we do still love each other--even if it's not in that same way, the spirit of it, I guess, is still there. There's still that 23 year old kid in me that'll kick somebody's ass over you, and wants to see you happy, and is in absolute love with you. And don't get me wrong, there's a 56 year old me that wants to see you happy and that'll still kick somebody's ass over you." He clarifies, making me laugh. "I'm just pointing out that even when those feelings went away, I don't think that bond ever did." 

"Yeah." I nod, sniffling as I press a tissue to under my eye to catch more tears. "Do you, um...do you remember our break up?" 

He exhales and gives me a little smile, nodding, before tears come to his eyes.

"I--yeah, I...I remember it…" He informs me. 

"We had just gotten done messing around, and if we did anything before we went to bed we would just stay in bed and go to sleep, but if we did anything in the afternoon or whatever we'd get up shortly after and clean up and go about the day. And we got done, it was, like, 2:00pm, and it was this odd feeling in the midst of it that 'this is gonna be the last time we ever do this with one another', and neither of us said a word, we just laid there with each other for four hours when we were done, taking in every second that we could. Well I finally got up to go back home and check on Nikki because he had OD'd the night before." I explain. 

"And you went to the door to leave and I stopped you, and was like, 'I know you're going to make things right with Nikki, and I'm going to fix things with Mandy, and I want you to know that I love you, and I'm proud of you, and I always will and always will be'. Of course you can understand me a little better now because I was crying when I choked those out, but, um," he laughs and I smile back more tears. "And you said, 'thank you, I love you, Duff' and gave me a kiss and a hug and then you were gone." 

"And we rarely spoke about it, again."

"And we rarely spoke about it, again." He confirms and I let out a breath, feeling more tears swell in my eyes. "What a fucking way to end a relationship." He adds. 

"This is where I'm really gonna start crying, um…" I start, chuckling nervously. "...I wasn't thanking you for being understanding, I was thanking you for everything that you'd done for me, and it took me a while to understand that that was one of the things I felt like was unresolved because that 'thank you' had a lot of weight behind it." I tell him. 

"Okay." He tells me, listening intently. 

"This is so freaking stupid and unhealthy but I wrote suicide notes for when Nikki finally OD'd and died, because I knew if he were to go, I'd have to go with him, I couldn't live without him." I tell him and he looks a shocked. "You taught me that I could live without him when I didn't think that I could, and you brought me so much peace and rest in a time when I couldn't remember the last time I was at peace, and I sure as hell couldn't get any rest. And I felt, and still feel, so indebted to you for those months that you spent trying your hardest to fix what you didn't break--you risked your career over me, you protected me, you defended me, you supported me, you loved me--and that's what I was thanking you for that day, and I feel like I've got a weight off my shoulders now because I have never told you that and I've always wanted to but didn't think it was a good time." 

"Holy shit, Viv." He wipes a stray tear, and I see Susan doing the same, Nikki just smiling at me like he's glad I've gotten that weight off of me, because he knows I've been wanting to say it for years.

"And I'm sorry it was such a shitty breakup that kind of came out of nowhere." 

"The way you were screaming and crying and begging God whenever we were trying to get Nikki to wake up, I knew if he lived you were gonna fix things. I was prepared for it, I promise." He assures me. "And I'm really glad we got to do this and get this out there with each other and I really hope you were able to get some closure with this, because I really did." 

"I did, too." I nod, wiping more tears. 

"I love you." He tells me as we get out of our chairs, giving me a quick, innocent, peck on the lips, before hugging me tightly.  

"I love you, too." 

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[little-bit-of-cinnamon]

The Offical (mental) List of Jack Kelly Smiles - Javid AU

Throughout the course of their relationship, Davey has found that he loves a lot about Jack. But what he loves the most is his smile, each different smile representing something unique he loves about Jack. 

3.0k words 

Javid high school AU 

Jack Kelly’s smiles are not rare. He’s loud, boisterous, but in a good way. He can always be found surrounded by friends who are always laughing with- or at- each other. He’s charming, tossing smiles to anyone who looks his way, paired with a quick wink or witty remark. Everyone loves Jack and he loves being loved. It works. 

He was smiling when David met him. It was David’s first day at his new high school and he wasn’t exactly having the easiest time making friends. David was more quiet, reserved. He introduced himself to his classes and took a seat, took notes, and watched the clock. This strategy worked until lunchtime. It was harder to disappear in the cafeteria. He would have to choose where to sit, rather than being given the only open seat in a classroom. He would have to wait in line for his food and try not to get lost in the swarm of his new classmates. So, he stood at the double doors of the cafeteria, waiting to gain enough confidence to enter. With a deep breath, he set his eyes forward and began to walk inside. Immediately ahead of him was a large and loud group of students filling an entire table. Everyone was thrown over each other and laughing and chatting, having fun. At the center of the table sat this boy, presumably their pseudo-leader, literally sat on the table with his feet on the cafeteria stool next to a backpack haphazardly tossed on the ground. His head was thrown back in laughter and when he looked forward again, the remains of his laugh made obvious by the smile on his cheeks, he made eye contact with David.  

Shit. The last thing David needed was to be noticed by an entire seemingly popular friend group. He wanted to wait and find his place at this school before he tried to throw himself into friendships that wouldn’t last. But boy-on-the-table hopped up and off the stool and started walking toward David, hastily waving an acknowledging hand to his friends. Shit, shit, shit. 

“Have I seen you here before?” He said as he finally met David at the doorway. 

“Uh, no, I’m new. I’m David.” David replied, nervous. 

“Nice to meet you, Davey, name’s Jack. You looking for somewhere to sit?” Jack turned so he was walking next to David, leading him to his table. 

“You don’t have to-” 

“Don’t sweat it, we always have an open seat.” 

They did not, in fact, have an open seat. That was probably why Jack was on the table in the first place. Jack and David stood awkwardly as they realized there was no stool for Jack to lead him to. 

“Fellas, this is Davey. He’s new and therefore we are to adopt him as one of our own. David, this is everyone, I guess.” Jack gestured at his friends, who were all kindly waving and offering a chorus of “Hi, Davey’s” 

Jack took his seat back on the table and wordlessly a blonde boy who David recognized from his first period AP Chem class followed him, leaving an empty stool.  

“Your throne, sire,” he said with a flourish. “I’m Race. I sit behind you in chem, right? Sorry I didn’t introduce myself, I’m never awake enough at 8 am for socialization, let alone ionic bonds.” So, maybe David wasn’t looking to be adopted by an entire friend group but it didn’t seem too bad. They all were nice enough and at least now David had somewhere to go until he found a more solid group of friends. And, of course, who can say no to Jack Kelly’s smile? 

As it turns out, Jack and his friends are the solid friend group David was looking for. Race, Specs, and Finch were around to help him survive his AP classes with minimal damage to his mental health. Elmer, Romeo, and Albert would always be there to recap The Bachelor with him, no matter how hard the rest of their friends rolled their eyes. He could talk about music with Henry and books with Crutchie. He fit right in. And, of course, there was Jack. Jack and his awful jokes and stupid, perfect smile. Jack was quickly becoming his best friend, which was amazing and amazingly dangerous. David’s heart skipped a beat when they brushed hands in the hallway or when a patented Jack Kelly Smile was flashed in his direction. David was screwed. 

Or, he thought he was screwed. It only took one simple movie date to turn quick, stolen glances to quick, stolen kisses. As their relationship grew, David got to know Jack’s smiles on a deeply personal level. It didn’t take long for him to begin The Official (mental) List of Jack Kelly Smiles. 

The first kind was the kind everyone saw, the kind David saw when they first met. 

-

The second smile was the loving smile he shot to his friends when he thought they weren’t looking. 

Let’s be real, Jack has a lot of friends. Yet, somehow, nobody manages to get lost or left behind. It was one of the first things David noticed about Jack and one of the things that made him fall for Jack in the first place. He cared so deeply for each and every one of his friends. Their friend group may not have a real leader but Jack was certainly their rock. He always made sure everyone was invited everywhere and he was always the first to support all of his friends. 

Race was captain of the baseball team and, while he may not know much about sports, Jack went to every game. Baseball was important to Race and he worked so hard to make sure he would be able to earn a scholarship for college someday and that was enough for Jack and Crutchie to be in the front row for every single game. 

It was one of Jack’s favorite traditions. Eating sunflower seeds and chatting with Crutchie and Spot, who was otherwise hesitant to hang out with Race’s friends. David was honored when he was invited to one of Race’s games on a Friday night. 

The number of their friends who came to the games fluctuated, this week it was just Jack, Crutchie, Spot and David. David half-watched the game and half-watched Jack. Every time Race stepped up the plate Jack smiled but bit his lip as if he didn’t want to jinx anything. 

Every time Race hit the ball, which admittedly was very frequently, Jack cheered, the smile never leaving his face. The pride Jack felt for his friend, his brother, was obvious and contagious. His lips stayed turned for minutes after Race’s at-bat was over, when even Spot had moved on to snacking and talking about an upcoming quiz with Crutchie. But not Jack, Jack was watching Race stand at second base with that same smile on his face. David wanted to mention how sweet Jack was, how much he admired Jack’s love and devotion, but he didn’t want to ruin the moment. So instead, he laced their fingers together and brought Jacks's hand to his lips, pressing a kiss to his knuckles. He hoped that he got the message across. 

-

The third smile on David’s list was the one he shared with Medda. This was one of David’s favorites. As a momma’s boy himself he fell in love with the way Jack treated Medda with all the respect and appreciation in the world. 

The first time Jack invited David to dinner to meet Medda, David was beyond nervous. Although Medda had the reputation of being the fun mom who the rest of the boys loved, David couldn’t calm his nerves. 

He had heard the way Jack talked about Medda. He gushed his appreciation for her selflessness as she took Jack in and the way she was able to become the mother he didn’t have growing up. And how, after five years, she became more of a mother than his biological mom ever was. So, her reputation preceded her by a long shot. 

Jack and David had gone to the library after school to get homework done and were walking back to Jack’s apartment for dinner. They walked hand in hand talking about everything and nothing. They were both ramblers, each so passionate about their own interests they could go on for hours. So, it wasn’t abnormal for David to be this quiet with Jack, it was simply Jack’s turn to ramble. But still, somehow, Jack noticed something was up. 

“You okay, Davey?” Jack knocked his shoulder into David’s as they walked. 

“Nervous, I guess. I don’t wanna mess this up.” 

“You’re gonna be perfect. Last time Elmer was over we watched Rent and he sobbed for like 45 minutes and then he proceeded to set the smoke alarm off while cooking a hotdog. Medda has seen it all.” 

“Sounds like Elmer.” David nodded. “But unless you were also dating Elmer, I don’t think it’s the same.” 

“Maybe I was, you don’t know everything about me,” Jack joked. “But seriously, you’re gonna be amazing. She’s not gonna be scary or anything. She knows that you make me happy and she wants to meet you, that’s all.” 

David’s heart fluttered at the idea of Jack talking to Medda about him. He tried to find comfort in that instead of feeling intimidated by his own reputation. 

And Jack was right, Medda welcomed him into their home with open arms. They talked about school and David’s family, the conversation was easy. He complimented Medda’s cooking and Medda told David that Jack has never been as motivated in school as he’s been since he and David got together. 

David found it easy to be himself and enjoy his dinner, which was good because he was planning on spending a lot more time at Jack’s apartment in the future (Jack had his own room and David doesn’t). 

After they ate they moved to the living room to watch a movie, Jack and David on the couch and Medda on a smaller loveseat. “You picked a good one, Jack,” Medda said as she scrolled through Disney+. 

“Ma, stop.” Jack buried his head into David’s shoulder before looking back at Medda, cheeks pink with a blush. 

Jack and Medda smiled at each other and David felt like he had a window into their daily lives. Happy and comfortable with each other, sharing the same wide grin. 

It would honestly be hard for David to decide if Jack’s friends or Medda were the most important things in Jack’s life. He devoted himself entirely to his friends (as seen in smile #2) but Medda was his family. The only family he had. He openly loved Medda, never being embarrassed by how his friends tease him for being a momma’s boy, a baby. But with Jack and Medda together, smiling at each other and sharing their lives, David knew it was important that Medda liked him. More important than if Crutchie and the boys liked him, more important than anything. David knew he was safe in their smiles. 

-

The fourth kind of smile was special to David because it was only for him. 

Jack and David were in the back of David’s hand-me-down minivan, trunk open and beak seats down so they could lie in the back. His car wasn’t new or cool in the slightest but he was one of the few of their friends who had a car of his own, and that was enough. This was one of their favorite dates; they would pack snacks and blankets and drive as far upstate as they were willing to go. When the sun went down they would find a park or any open space, open the trunk and lie there for hours. Watching the sunset, watching the stars, pretending they weren’t being eaten by mosquitoes. Outside the city, they could see past the streetlights, up to the sky. It was beautiful and they were together so it was perfect. 

They would talk about everything, school, their families, their friends, their hopes, their dreams, their future. 

Or, they would sit in silence, enjoying each other's presence and looking at the sky. 

Or, of course, being teenage boys, they would make out. The thrill of being alone and away from home taking over. 

It was perfect for them. 

This particular night, Jack had fallen asleep. David let him rest. It was getting late anyway and they had a long ride home. David would rather Jack slept now so he could keep him company on the drive. Jack slept with his head resting on David’s chest and David carded his fingers through Jack’s hair.  With his other hand, David texted his parents, saying he’d leave for home soon and replied to some texts in the group chat with his friends. He was completely relaxed. He couldn’t help but think of a life where this was his day to day. Lying with Jack, fingers in his hair, looking at the stars. He wouldn’t have to tell his parents where he was going or when he’d come home. He wouldn’t have to separate from Jack at the end of the night, leaving him with a goodnight kiss but yearning for more. For Jack in bed next to him when he goes to sleep and when he wakes up in the morning. 

Maybe someday. For sure someday, if David had anything to say about it. 

But for now, David had to bring Jack home. With a kiss to the top of his head, he began to wake Jack up. 

“Jackie, we gotta get home.” Jack looked up and David and yawned, then smiled. 

This smile was different from what Race and Crutchie saw or what Medda saw. This was a sleepy, lovesick smile that was for David only. That proved to David that Jack wanted their future, too. He wanted to sleep with David and actually sleep with David every night, to live the rest of their lives together. 

Jack’s eyes were still closed but he still looked at David, without breaking his smile he asked: “Do we have to leave?”

David sat up, forcing Jack to move from his position on his chest. “You’re the one with a curfew, babe, not me.” 

“Forget the curfew, I wanna stay.” Despite his words, Jack stood and walked to the passenger seat. 

Sliding into the driver’s seat, David kissed Jack’s temple. “You know I don’t wanna get on Medda’s bad side.” David backed out of the parking lot they were in, some random baseball field a couple miles off the highway. 

“You’re too far on the good side to get demoted for one missed curfew.” Jack waited for David to merge onto the highway and took his right hand, kissing his knuckles and letting their hands rest on his lap. 

Jack doesn’t drive but he loves being a passenger. He liked sitting with his knees pointed toward David, talking and singing to the radio. He liked looking out the window at the long stretches of road. 

David liked driving, it was therapeutic to him, they were the perfect pair. 

-

The fifth Jack Kelly Smile was the wide, open-mouthed grin of Jack’s laugh. 

Jack laughed a LOT. He never took himself too seriously and his friends were all hilarious in their own kind of layered-inside-joke way. They were notorious for disrupting classes with side conversations turned to wholehearted laughter, especially as there were just so many of them they were bound to always have a friend or two in class. That was part of what was so beautiful about their friend group. They were all friends with each other, no subgroups. Any combination of their friends could be comfortable hanging out at any given moment. That was part of what made David feel so comfortable with them when he first came to their school. 

Anyway, lots of friends plus a goofy personality equals always laughing. David loved Jack’s laugh. It was loud and obnoxious and not at all charming like the rest of his personality. Crutchie likes to tease him for it, saying it keeps him humble. 

David’s favorite is when Jack laughs until he cries. He loves the pure joy on his face as everything falls away except for him and whatever he’s laughing at. 

Like the time they all went bowling and Race slipped down the lane because he refused to wear bowling shoes. Or when Crutchie gave a dramatic reading of Othello for their English class in the worst British accent Jack had ever heard. 

Jack would throw his head back and laugh until no noise could come out anymore. Then, the only way you could tell he was laughing and not crying would be the way his smile never left his face. Tears would rush down his cheeks and his face would grow red but his smile never faltered. 

And as they sat now, in Jack’s living room, surrounded by all their friends, Jack was laughing with tears on his cheeks. Ever the affectionate type, Jack was sprawled across his friends, legs on Finch’s lap and head on David’s. David wasn’t sure that Jack actually knew what he was laughing at, at this point. But he was surrounded by the best people he knew and that was enough. 

When Jack finally gained control over his breathing, David wiped the tears from Jack’s cheeks with his thumbs before leaning down and kissing him on the forehead.

Looking at that smile he couldn’t help himself. “I love you, Jack,” he said as if they were the only two in the room or even the world. 

David couldn't hear their friends teasing because nothing could compare to the Jack Kelly Smile when he tells David he loves him too.

[imagineclaireandjamie]

Deep Within The Darkness Peering. Part ii. Chapter One.

Anonymous said: OMGOMGOMGOMG DWTDP owns me! So original. Please please PLEASE finish this (after 87 chapters and multiple arcs of course!)

--

As you wish, Anon <3 MBD.

--

Not wanting to overwhelm him on his first few days of release, Claire simply gave Jamie a tour of her property, showed him his room, the lounge and the kitchen and then gave him some space to settle in. Glenna had been a saint through it all and had procured Claire a few days annual leave so that she could see he’d made himself truly at home. It also meant that she was able to drive him to his first probation meeting.

“Was there a lot to take in?” She asked as he climbed back into the car an hour later.

“Aye and no.” Replying he seemed content which in turn made her less worried. “I kent most of it from the meeting I had before I left the prison. I think I was just worried that things might have changed since.”

“And they haven’t?” She wanted him to meet John but had waited until this meeting before suggesting it, scared herself that something might go wrong. Grateful that things had gone as well as they could she paused to let him reply before putting the idea to him.

“No, thank the lord. She didna see it fit to impose a curfew or have me tagged.”

Their relationship, being new and still a little daunting for the both of them, meant that Jamie still seemed quiet and withdrawn but Claire wished he’d had the confidence to come and tell her of his fears. She could already see, as they pulled away from the council building, the relief coursing through him as he slumped back against the front seat.

“So, I have someone I’d like you to meet - if you’re up to it?”

Turning to look at her, Jamie smiled. “Oh, aye?”

“His name is John Grey. He’s a very close friend, a barrister actually. He’s the one who pushed through your appeal.”

“That sounds good.” Replying he looked sad for a moment, his hands gripping across his knees. “I only wish I had something more than ‘thank you’ to say to both of ye.”

“How many times do I have to say it,” reaching across the central console, she took one hand off the wheel for a moment and rested it over the back of his, squeezing once before taking it back, “you don’t need to do that. I can’t explain it entirely, but there was something nagging at me from the moment we met and I would’ve never forgiven myself if I’d ignored it. That means John saw it too, when he looked deeper into your case. I promise you, he wouldn’t fight for something, for someone he didn’t believe in - even at my request.”

Nodding, he tipped his head towards his lap, breaking eye contact as he smiled softly once more.

“Maybe soon you’ll trust me enough to talk. When you do, I’m here. I just wanted you to know that.”

He waited until they’d parked back outside Claire’s flat before he replied, his mind replaying certain painful memories as Glasgow flew past them. “It isna about trust, please dinna think that I want to hide anything from you. I just...can’t...not yet.”

Each night since his release she had carefully been applying the scar balm she’d picked up from work, her fingers gently rubbing the transparent cream into each and every inch of his sore back to ensure as little damage as possible remained etched into his flesh. Afterwards she’d silently washed her hands in the bathroom basin, placed the tub onto the top shelf of the unit above the sink, climbed into bed and cried herself to sleep. She knew the damage, she’d (at her own punishing request) seen the footage John had requested from the prison - each cruel blow depicted in grainy black and white, and she vividly recalled the operation she’d assisted in to ensure his survival.

Hearing his voice break as he tried to hold himself together made her instantly regret her wording as she sighed and pulled the key from the ignition.

It was a dry day, and they watched passers by as they wondered the pavements, crossing in front of the parked car as they cut across the grass on the edge of the apartment complex.There was definitely more to the story than was written in the detailed report given at his trial, Claire knew without asking that John also had his doubts as to its validity and she hoped, in time, Jamie would open up enough to her that she could help him possibly clear his name.

“I’d really like to meet him, yer friend John. Even if thank you is all I have,” he whispered, “I’d still like to say it.”

“I can assure you, he’ll say the same as me.”

-- --- --

Claire went to the shops alone, leaving Jamie to rest on his own after their busy morning. Calling John on the way, she confirmed a good time and went on a hunt for something vaguely edible.

It was nice to be out, she soon realised, as the clean, cool air encased her. The supermarket wasn’t too busy and it was relaxing just wandering around with nowhere to be until later. Having not left the house in a couple of days, she’d been so desperate to make sure Jamie made an easy transition into her life that she’d failed to realise that they’d been cooped up for two whole days. It was unusual for her to have such freedom and she was grateful for the chance to just relax.

“Honestly, I didn’t think I’d ever catch you in the raw meat aisle.” John laughed as he approached Claire from behind making her jump a little.

“How on earth did you find me?”

Bringing his phone out of his pocket, he waved it in front of her and pointed to the open app with her live location. “Technology is quite scary these days!”

Leading up to Jamie’s release, John had suggested pairing their phones just in case he desperately needed to get hold of her and couldn’t, he’d presented it as a mere friend doing his duty, but truthfully he was worried in case they’d made a bad decision offering her home up to Jamie. If he turned out to be something more sinister.

“So are you, Grey.” She retorted, slapping the steak packet against his chest. “And what is wrong with my cooking?”

“All I’ll say is; it’s good it can be either rare or well done and still edible, eh!”

Taking her arm, they continued to meander around the shop, Claire putting various food items into the basket as they walked in companionable silence.

“When is your next shift?” He asked as they bagged the groceries.

“Not until the weekend now, I was going to go back tomorrow but I wanted to encourage Jamie to leave the flat without having some sort of meeting at the end of it...I just haven’t worked out how I’m going to do it yet.”

“I take it a trail of breadcrumbs is out of the question?”He quipped, taking the full bag and carrying it out to the car for her.

“He’s a little too smart for that trick, John. But thanks for the suggestion.”

“The real question is, is he staying in because he’s just getting used to being free again, or is he scared to leave. One is easier to sort than the other, of course.”

“I’ve seen trauma before, both physical and mental. I think it’s more mental. He’s definitely settled. He stopped asking if he could use the kettle pretty quickly and he cooked himself some dinner last night. “So he feels safe with you then, that’s good.”

“It’s this Randall guy, isn’t it? Does he work on the force in the city, do you know?” She hadn’t had the stomach to research the captain who’d locked Jamie away out of fear. John had said a few things about him, none of them painting him in a favourable way, and she got the distinct feeling he was close by, closer than she, John or Jamie would like. Word of his release wouldn’t have taken long to reach the ears of the man who’d caused the incarceration.

“It could be. Yes, he’s based here. He started his career in London and was posted here only a few years ago. I can’t work out whether it was a promotion, though, or as a way to get him far away from Scotland Yard. Anything that takes place inside the Met is incredibly well covered - especially if he found himself on the receiving end of an internal dispute.”

Rolling her eyes, Claire tried to concentrate on the road in front of her instead of the increased rate of her heart as it beat a punishing rhythm beneath her chest.

“They’re the nations protectors, anything dirty that could diminish their name or cause them disrepute is bound to be buried as deep as they can possibly dig. He’s a good negotiator, a talker…”

“Have you met him?”

“Not in the flesh, but we’ll have attended some events together you can bet. The important thing, Claire is to your own hands clean - leave anything public to me and whatever you do, don’t underestimate the man. Jamie will, hopefully, at some point talk to you about his ordeal, but it’s only been two days. I’m sure he won’t hide away forever.”

Something in her gut told her that John knew more than he was letting on, but if he was keeping it from her, she reasoned, it was probably for good reason. Reaching her flat in double quick time, they both dropped the conversation as Claire opened the front door and waved John in.

“Jamie,” she called out, “we’re back.” Forgetting for a moment that he had no idea she wasn’t alone.

They waited patiently in the kitchen, putting as much of the food away as they were able to until both were convinced that he wasn’t going to come out to greet them. It was only when the creek of the bedroom door echoed along the hall that Claire finally let out the breath she’d been holding.

“John met me out and we thought there’s no time like the present, are you alright?”

“Nice to meet you,” Jamie finally said as he bought himself into the open plan living room, “and thank ye, for spending yer free time looking into my case for me, I dinna think I can thank you enough for that, really.”

The men shook hands cordially and John looked Jamie over seriously for just a moment before nodding his head. “It’s my pleasure, it’s what I signed up for and I knew when Claire called me that it must be serious for her to have stepped in and contacted me for help.”

“I willna cause you to regret it, Mr Grey.”

“John, please, and I’m sure you won’t.”

Dinner was a quiet but pleasant affair. Where there had been small bursts of conversation between Claire and Jamie since he’d arrived, now there was a continuous buzz as Claire and John joked with one another, leaving room for Jamie to join in as and when he felt comfortable. She’d made lasagne and despite John’s jesting at her culinary skills, it turned out better than edible.

“Well, as stuffed and warm as I am I think I need to get home. I have a long trial starting tomorrow.” Patting his belly, John placed his napkin on the table and finished his glass of water. With Jamie’s parole stating that he wasn’t to be found under the influence of drugs or alcohol, Claire had removed everything from her cupboards determined to join in with the sobriety order.

“I’ll walk you out…” Jamie spoke up as Claire stood to clear the plates.

“Alright,” she continued, a grin lighting up her face at his offer, “don’t be a stranger!” Winking as she castigated John for his random absences in her life, she plucked the last of the plates from the table and began to load the dishwasher.

Walking side by side to the front door, John took his coat from the hook and wrapped his scarf around his neck. “I know it isn’t my place,” he began as he held eye contact, raised his brow and smiled to put Jamie at ease, “but I have an inkling, just as she does, that there’s something more to this story than meets the eye. Don’t let her fool you, she’s good at being strong - she’s had to be. But you both need to stick together. Open up to her because if you let her in, I think you’ll find you have no regrets.”

Holding his hand out, Jamie nodded before he took it.

With one step out of the door, he swivelled on his heels to face him. “Oh, and one more thing, if you need anything at all, please call me. I’ll try and help in any way I can.”

As Jamie returned to the lounge Claire was finishing up wiping the table. “Everything alright?”

“Aye, more than alright...thanks to you.”

Chuckling, she shook her head as she threw the cloth back into the sink. “I wondered why my ears were burning. I’m glad John found something positive to say. Normally he’s just shaking his head at my poor choices.”

“Do ye make many of those?”

Embarrassment coloured her for just a moment as she was reminded of the diploma sat gathering dust in her bottom draw. “One major one.” “I think yer doing pretty well if ye’ve only one, lass.”

Taking a seat on the extended corner sofa, Claire let her head fall backwards against the cushions and waited for Jamie to sit beside her. “My father was a doctor, a really bloody good one, he saved the moment I was born, putting all the money into various bonds and accounts to make sure that I had any and every option once I reached an age to be able to choose.” Taking a deep breath, she steeled herself as she ignored the tears welling in her eyes, his warm presence extinguishing the pain of the memories. “Him and my mum died just before I went to college and if John hadn’t been there, I don’t think I’d have made it this far.”

“I ken how it feels to lose a parent. Ye feel as if yer heart has been torn clean from your chest as the world crumbles around you.”

As lost to her own grief as she was, it felt good to learn something about him, for him to feel relaxed enough to open up to her.

“Does John want ye to be like yer father, then?” He guessed.

“Nearly right, but not quite. I did.” She confessed. “He’s disappointed that I don’t rise to my full potential.” Quoting John’s exact words to Jamie.

“You’re a doctor?”

“Yes.” Sighing, she smiled sadly as she turned to face him. “But I still can’t bear to hear anyone say it to me because that title, those words, always belonged to him and I don’t know how to take on his legacy, I don’t know whether I ever will.”

“I haven’t known you for very long, Claire, but I do know one thing - ye have the biggest heart. You took a chance on me after treating me wi’ such kindness in the hospital. So if yer worried about no’ meeting the standards he set for you, just look in the mirror and I’m sure you’ll be able to see what I can see, what I’m sure John sees too, and ken that yer father would be proud of the woman you’ve become.”  

[yadds]

Tony Reappears, Pt 5 - Tony gains a new confidant in the form of one Peter Parker, Pepper tries to understand.

Part 1 - what would happen if Tony appeared out of nowhere to be found by Peter, who’s still haunted by Beck’s reality bending? Part 2 - Tony is in bad shape and Peter helps, Strange snarks, and Pepper gives him the kick in the pants he needs. Part 3 - Tony has come back with more than he bargained for. Part 4: Tony is Iron Man. Plus, Tony gets to go home.

____________________________________________________________________

It was a Wednesday night and Tony was trying desperately to find a distraction. 

He’d hit a block in his control design and was spiraling, down, down into the depths of his bitterness and guilt. He couldn’t focus on anything, head jerking up periodically as he drifted in and out of consciousness while sitting at his work table. He also couldn’t stand the thought of actually trying to sleep in this mindset. 

He flung his schematic holos away, growling in frustration as he dropped his head into his hands. His eyes cut to the side to check the time. 12:15 AM. Too late to call and pester reasonable people. He sighed. 

But wait. Maybe not too late for a college student. 

“Fri, call-“ he cut himself off. No. What if Peter has a big exam in the morning and had just gotten to sleep? Or what if he was out actually enjoying his life? It’s not like he was just sitting around his dorm waiting for Tony to call. 

“Who would you like me to call, boss?” Friday asked. 

“Never mind, sweetheart. I just saw the time,” he fibbed, ”I don’t think anyone is up for a call from me right now.”

“Peter is currently taking a break from patrolling,” Friday dutifully reported. Talk about an intuitive AI. 

Tony arched a brow. “Is he now? And how do you know that?”

“Karen told me,” she replied. Right, they were basically connected at the metaphorical hip now. 

He mulled this information over for a minute before he bit the bullet. “Okay, old girl. Call him up,” he called, leaning back in his chair and steepling his hands over his chest. 

He was weirdly nervous as he listened to the phone ring. 

His heart was racing by the time Peter answered with a breathless, “Hello?”

Tony’s mouth opened but nothing came out, suddenly speechless. What was he even supposed to say? I was feeling mopey so I called someone half my age to cheer me up? What the fuck was wrong with him? 

“Mr. Stark?” Peter questioned as the silence drug on. “Shit, did I hang up on you? Damn it, Karen, I thought we’d fixed that! Ughhhhh why am I this way? Well we’d better call him back before-”

Tony chuckled, nerves evaporating as his chest filled with amused affection. “No need, kid, I’m here.”

“Oh, great! Except for the fact that you definitely just heard me rambling like an idiot. Am I talking fast? I feel like I’m talking really fast.”

“Definitely fast. You good? I thought you were patrolling - you’re not doing that high are you? Don’t make me lecture you about stupid choices,” he warned teasingly. 

“No, of course not! I’ve just been slinging around a lot, which gets my blood pumping and gets me kinda hyped up, you know?” 

Tony nodded. “Ah, to be young and enjoy life just for the hell of it,” he said sagely. 

“Don’t you get that feeling too? I mean, come on, you can fly!” Peter asked, huffing as Tony heard him sit down heavily. 

“I guess I used to,” Tony said thoughtfully. “It’s been a long time since I’ve done it just for kicks, though.”

“Well you should!” Peter insisted. 

Tony was quiet for a moment as he thought about it, remembering the thrill of flight the first time in his Mark II. But the idea of getting back in the suit made his chest sieze. He drew in a sharp breath before gathering himself enough to respond quietly, “I don’t know if I can.”

Peter hummed. “Yeah, I get that,” he said softly. “It took me a while, too. I always had flashbacks of...well, you know. And panic attacks. But it got better,” he offered. 

Tony felt that knot in his chest loosen just slightly. It didn’t make it all better, but it did help, knowing someone else understood what he was going through and could validate it. He appreciated how Peter was so casual about it - he obviously took it seriously but it was also something totally normal and okay. But he’d known for years that Peter is much stronger than he is, and not just physically. 

“Maybe,” Tony replied hesitantly, not quite as optimistic about his own mental health improvement capability. He’d been in some pretty tough spots before and come back, but this was the first time he’d died.  But so had Peter and half the rest of the world, so apparently that wasn’t even particularly noteworthy.

“So, anything exciting tonight, Spiderling?” Tony asked.

Peter graciously allowed the subject change, rambling happily about stopping a mugger, walking a girl to her car who was leaving work late, playing catch with a couple kids in the park.  It was amazingly relaxing, listening to Peter recounting his night, voice animated in a way that indicated wild gesticulation on the other end of the line.

It made his throat a little thick, remembering how fucking wholesome this kid was.  This was the first time he’d gotten to hear this again since...before Titan, almost ten years ago.  He was suddenly grateful to himself for making it possible to reverse the snap, in a way he hadn’t been able to truly appreciate until this very moment.  

He realized Peter had paused, the quiet stretching before he questioned softly, “Mr. Stark?  You okay?”

Tony cleared his throat.  “Yeah, ‘course.  Keep telling me about the- the, uh, search for the best slice of pizza in Manhattan; I’m dying to know, here.”

After another hesitation, Peter continued, detailing all the places he’d visited in the past few weeks. 

Tony leaned back, closed his eyes, and smiled. 

.

A week later found Tony standing in front of one of his suits that had made it back to the lab, kept all this time, he assumed, for sentimental reasons. 

He reached out but recoiled before he could make contact, breath catching. 

Shaking his head to clear it, he turned quickly and went back to his work table. 

.

They had a schedule now. Tony spent the weekends at the cabin with the girls and occasionally picked up Morgan in the evenings after school for a few hours. 

He’d finished his control protocols (now named FEMA because he was his own natural disaster), which used subdermal chips to monitor his vitals and would deploy nanites from the wristbands he now wore to restrain him in the instance of nighttime adrenaline spikes - an unfortunately common occurrence, as he was plagued by nightmares. The restraints didn’t particularly help with the nightmare situation, but they were a necessity. 

He’d start out in bed with Pepper, but when she fell asleep, he felt the panic settle gradually over him until his chest felt concave with the pressure of it, breath coming shorter and shorter. So he’d roll out of bed and go down to the crude lab he had out there, usually tinkering with cars and blasting music loud enough that he’d hopefully drown out that inner voice whispering soft, hateful self-incriminations.

He’d quickly discovered that alcohol no longer had any effect on him. He also discovered, in a fit of desperation, that neither did drugs. So his faithful old friends had deserted him when he needed them the most. 

So he was trying so-called “healthy coping mechanisms” now, like hard work and spending time with loved ones. Which was great, but Tony’s issues were gargantuan and he was an addict at heart; he craved any release like a starving man craved food (which he was actually quite familiar with, so he knew it was apt). He knew this, knew he came on way too strong, too needy, and was just...too much. In his attempts to not smother his people, he found himself becoming withdrawn and distant, tormented by the certainty that he’d drive them away with his clingy dependence. 

Tony was terrified Pepper would remember just how inadequate he’d always been, how much his love for her, his money, his intelligence never overcame his inability to give her what she needed.  He knew she still talked to Tom, and he’d never ask her to completely cut him out of her life, but it didn’t help his insecurities.  He would see Pepper’s jaw clench or her eyes dart away and he’d find a way to quickly shut up and make himself scarce.

Happy would check his watch and Tony would suddenly recall an important task running in the lab he needed to check on. 

Morgan, his sweet angel, would gladly hang off him until the end of time, but he knew she needed to get back to having a normal life. Well, as normal as life gets when you have a family of billionaires and superheroes. 

And he also didn’t want her to see behind the curtain, to see what a weak man her father really was. 

Rhodey came by when he could, but he was kept busy with his duties in DC and a new wife. Tony had done enough to damage Rhodey’s career and relationships in the past. He didn’t need to add his newest level of instability onto his friend like that. 

And Peter. He never seemed annoyed by Tony’s random check-ins but also didn’t have a problem telling him when he was busy, which actually did more to allay Tony’s worries about being a nuisance than anything. Tony never found any indications from Peter that he should pull back. But he did anyway. Because, well, Peter was a goddamn blessing to the world. And if Tony could, he’d bottle him up and keep him all for himself. 

So, anyway, “healthy” was...probably still not an accurate term for his coping mechanisms, shoddy as they were. But at least he wasn’t poisoning his body into an early grave. Again. Ha-fucking-ha. 

.

“Mr. Stark?” Peter questioned one night. 

“Yeah, kid?” Tony replied easily, distracted by the circuit board he was soldering while they talked. 

“Did I do something wrong?” he asked. 

Tony’s brows snapped down and he automatically looked up at the screen in front of him despite the fact that this was an audio call, which was frustrating since he’d really like to see Peter’s face to see if he could tell what had brought on this madness. 

“What?” He wracked his brain, trying to figure out what the hell he’d done now that made Peter feel like he’d done something wrong. He hissed as the soldering iron pressed heavily into his finger. He finally set the tool down and looked down to see the circuit board he’d been working on was ruined now. Not surprising. 

“What?” he said again. “Of course not. I mean not as far as I know. What the hell are you talking about?”

Peter’s heavy sigh echoed through the lab. “I dunno, just thought maybe I’d pissed you off or done something to annoy you,” he said, too casually.  Tony could perfectly imagine the shrug and eye aversion that would go with that statement.

“What?” Tony intoned again.  He knew he sounded like a broken record but seriously, what?  “Not at all, kid.  I mean, not more than normal.  Which was a joke, sorry, I can’t help myself.  In all seriousness though, I’m not upset at you.  Why would you even think that?”

“Okay, sorry, it’s nothing.  Anyway-” Peter said quickly, trying to change the subject.

“No, no, no,” Tony interrupted.  “Nuh uh.  Circle back around here.  I’m not letting this one go.  I need to know what I’m doing that’s making you feel like that so that I can fix it.”

“No!  You’re not doing anything wrong, Mr. Stark,” Peter insisted.

“Well, obviously I am.  Just tell me what’s going on, kid,” Tony coaxed.

After a brief hesitation, Peter took a deep breath before responding.  “You’ve just been kind of...distant, I guess.  I felt like we’d been getting along so well when I was visiting and we were talking on the phone more and it was like we were...friends, you know?  And it just seemed like lately you haven’t been as engaged and you’ve been calling less.  But I know you’re super busy and you’ve got a lot going on and more important people to hang out with, so I’m sorry, I’m just being overly sensitive.”

Tony’s elbows fell down onto the table in front of him, hands cradling his head.  Of fucking course.  His idea to help spare the kid had just ended up hurting him.  And how was he supposed to explain this without sounding as fucked up as he actually was?

“Mr. Stark?” Peter pressed softly.

“Yeah kid, still here.  Just...give me just a minute, okay?” he replied wearily.

Tony listened to Peter’s soft breaths, the rustling of the wind, the NYC traffic far in the background over the line.  

“Pete, I - fuck, I don’t know really know what to say,” he said, unable to come up with one of his usual lines.  “Just know that it is definitely not your fault.  I’m not tired of you or upset at you or any other bullshit you’re coming up with in that head of yours.  And I don’t know what ‘more important’ people you think I’m hanging out with, but that’s definitely not the case either.  I mean, hell, I think only maybe ten people are even aware I’m alive.  But regardless, even if I had every single person on the planet at my disposal, you would still be one of the most important people to me.  So don’t sell yourself so short.”

He heard Peter’s breath hitch slightly before he cleared his throat.  “Oh.  Well, okay.  And, uh, same.  Just so you know.”

Tony’s lips twitched in a tired smile.  Despite the awkwardness of it, he knew Peter was ridiculous sincere about it.  “And hey, you can always call me, too - stop making me do all the work.”

“Okay,” Peter said.  “I just don’t want to bother you.  Between trying to get your family back together and figure out your new body, I know you’ve got a lot on your plate, so I don’t want to be a nuisance.”

“Never,” Tony replied immediately.  “Nah, kid, you’re not a nuisance.  I like hearing from you.  And honestly, you’re probably my best source for figuring out the physical craziness and I’m not utilizing you near enough for that.”

Peter hummed.  “Okay, well just promise to let me know if you’re busy or if I’m getting to be too much.”

“Same,” Tony responded, echoing Peter’s earlier statement.

As Peter huffed a laugh, Tony felt confident enough that had been handled as much as it needed to be and launched into an explanation of his current project.  

Thank God, because the moment of touchy-feely honesty was surely going to start making his skin crawl. 

.

It became a thing: Tony calling when he was stressed and couldn’t sleep, Peter calling frustrated about classes, and everything in between.  Peter realized that Tony was basically under house arrest so he’d send him pictures of random things he saw on the street - a cute dog, a weird sign, his lunch for the day, a crazy outfit someone was wearing.

More and more often, Pepper would come downstairs looking for Tony when he left their bed on the weekends to find him lounging in the lab, laughing as he talked to Peter in the middle of the night.

At first, he’d see her come in and nod and she’d smile back, relieved to see him happy and connecting with someone else.

Tonight, she was not smiling.  Tony noticed her jaw clenched and eyes shuttered when he glanced at her and he frowned.

“Hey, Pete, I’m gonna have to cut this short, okay?  We’ll talk later,” Tony cut in.

“Oh,” Peter said dumbly.  “Uh, yeah, sure, no problem.  Good night Mr. Stark!”

“Night, kid,” Tony replied before promptly hanging up.

“What’s wrong, Pep?” Tony asked, turning and giving her his full attention.  

She stood in front of him, arms crossed and fingers tapping agitatedly on her opposite elbow as she battled with whether to say what she really wanted.  Tony was quiet as he waited for her to decide.

“I’m trying to be understanding, Tony,” Pepper finally said.  “I am.  But are you ever going to be able to sleep in the same bed as me or is this going to be how it is for the rest of our lives?”

“Honestly?  I have no idea.  As long as I feel like you or Morgan are in danger then the answer is no.”

“Isn’t that what the FEMA protocol is for?” she asked.

“Yes, but it’s one thing to have it work in a test situation and another thing completely to trust it with your life.  And I don’t.  Do you think I don’t want to be able to sleep next to you?” Tony said, frustrated.

“Some days I feel like I really don’t know.  You seem perfectly content to come down here and talk to Peter every night,” she said.

“Is that a problem?” Tony asked, brows furrowed.  “Me talking to Peter?”

“No.  Yes.  I don’t know,” Pepper said, sighing, hand coming up to cover her face.  “I just feel like you’re able to talk to him in a way we haven’t been able to manage and I’m...jealous,” she admitted.  “And yes, I know how incredibly childish and stupid this sounds.”

“Hey,” Tony said softly, standing up and coming to grab her by the elbows and pull her close.  “No, it’s not stupid at all.  I get it.  Mine and Peter’s relationship is easier than ours, and it’s not fair.  But it’s because we have a simpler relationship - we’re not trying to juggle a romantic relationship, a parenting relationship, and a potential working relationship in addition to our friendship.”

“But it’s not just that,” Pepper said, looking up at him.  “You talk to him in a way you don’t talk to me.  And I never see you laugh like that with me - it’s like you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

Tony dropped his gaze, pulling back slightly.  “I guess I also don’t feel like I have as much to lose with Peter.”

“Because he doesn’t mean as much to you or because you think he’s a sure thing and I’m not?” Pepper asked bluntly.

He pulled back another step, sighing as he ran his hand through his hair.  “I wouldn’t say Peter necessarily means less to me. Of course he doesn’t mean more than you, he’s just important to me in a different way - like how you and Morgan and Happy are all important to me in different ways.”

“And?”

Tony didn’t want to answer the second part of that question.  But Pepper was staring expectently at him, no out in sight.  “What do you want me to say, Pepper?” he asked wearily.

“I want you to tell me why you always act like you’ve got one foot out the door.”

Tony grit his teeth before replying.  “Because I know I’m gonna fuck this up and I still don’t really know where I stand with you.  So instead of bumbling my way through it, it just seems...I don’t know, safer, I guess, to just be ready for it all to explode in my face so I’m prepared for the inevitable end.”

“You’re being a coward,” Pepper said harshly, eyes filmy and lower lip trembling.  

Tony recoiled, eyes hurt and wary, but didn’t deny it. “You’re right,” he admitted softly. “But can you honestly tell me that you’re not waiting for the same thing, Pep?”

She immediately started shaking her head. “No, of course I’m not! I…” but she trailed off. 

“I see it,” Tony cut in before she could gather herself.  “I see how you’re always waiting for me to disappoint, bracing yourself for how to deal with it and make this work. I’ve always admired your problem-solving abilities, honey, but this shouldn’t have to be something that you grit your teeth and push through just to get it done. I don’t want to be another chore.”

Pepper shut her eyes tight, brow scrunched in pain briefly before she opened them again. She sniffled quietly, a tear tracking slowly down her left cheek as the rest of her face remained stoic.

As the silence drew out, she sighed, shoulders slumping. “Maybe that’s true. And I’m sorry for making you feel that way.”

Tony shrugged in response, scuffing his foot across the floor. 

“But I still want to work on this, on us,” she said. 

“Me too, honey,” Tony murmured, stepping back into her space. 

Pepper smiled tremulously, reaching out and twining her fingers behind his neck. “So come to bed,” she coaxed. 

Tony stiffened, shaking his head. But as he opened his mouth, she put her finger to his lips, smile turning coy. “Beds aren’t just for sleeping, Tony.”

Eyes widening, Tony blinked helplessly for several seconds before gathering her in his arms and bolting for the main house, Pepper screeching in laughter on the way.

.

It was wonderful. 

The closeness, the intimacy, was everything he’d craved, miles of warm, smooth skin against his own. He trembled violently, overwhelmed, skin soaking up the contact it had been deprived of for so, so long.

It was beautiful. 

His hands glided over every inch of her, worshiping her body until she’d pulled him back up impatiently. He sank into her, warmth that permeated through him, down to his bones. 

It was earth-shattering. 

As she came apart beneath him and he reached his peak, he felt his blood surge, hands flying to the headboard to brace himself. Groaning deeply, his hips jolted forward and the headboard exploded in his grip. 

It was terrible. 

Chest heaving, he looked down and froze, seeing her wide eyes staring up at him, splintered shards of wood in her hair. He scrambled backwards, all that glorious warmth turned to ice in his veins. Despite her rushed assurances, he stumbled out of the room. 

It was never happening again.

____________________________________________________________________

So I ended up having to split up this update.  Because I seem to have a major problem with not having an ending that’s depressing.  

I’ve got a pretty good chunk of the next part written (look forward to Peter visiting Tony but everything still being frustratingly sweet and platonic, and a brief return mention of badass/scary!Peter) so hopefully the delay between updates will be shorter buuuuut no guarantees.  Kids, y’all, they are a major time and energy suck - but they’re worth it because I love them :)

taglist: @marvelobsessedrat, @dim-ships-johnlock, @starkerstories @t1of3 @consciencecoward @peachbabytarte

[taurusjaehyun]

just a little bit of your heart // j.jh

♦Pairing: Jaehyun x fem reader

♦Other Members/ Characters: Johnny, Taeyong, Doyoung, Hyuck, Ten, Jisoo, Rose and Mingyu

♦Genre: ANGST!!!

♦Warnings: unrequited love, mentions of smut, sad, shitty situations, y/n is very very sad and in love, cheating

♦Word count: 3,978

♦Story: A little is better than none.

 Note: Hiiiii!! I’m back! I know I’ve been MIA in a while but life just happened and so many situtations led me to lose inspiration over writing, esp with Jaehyun (for reasons induced by other jaehyun fans L) and life was generally shitty esp with my already bad mental health lol a anyways, here’s an angsty piece that I’ve been working on for a while since I was sad lol I hope you guys enjoy it! Some references to Ariana Grande’s Just A Little Bit Of Your Heart which is sad af lol.

                                                             ----------------------

 “No. I never loved you and I don’t think I ever will, y/n. I wanna say sorry but I’m not. I know you love me but I really don’t think I can give it back.”

 Ouch.

 For once, you wanted to initiate the kisses that led to fucking just so he could shut the fuck up, much like how he’d shut you up when you kept asking if he loved you. You kept asking him if he finally loved you, and you had begged just even for a little bit of his heart but he never gave you just a hint, even. At least now, he was being honest. After one year. The one year you begged for him to date you just so you could convince him and make him fall for you.

 Throughout the year you spent together, Jaehyun was an excellent boyfriend to you. He provided what you needed more so on the physical side because when it came to feelings, he couldn’t give you anything more than what he already gave. You were thankful he didn’t change the way he was around you and how he treated you as a friend, especially after you started dating. There was really nothing more to being his girlfriend except the dates and the sex.

 You could feel your already broken heart shatter even more. Of course you knew he didn’t love you. He never said and showed he did. And he definitely wasn’t sorry.

“I’d like for us to stay friends, though. I love you as a friend and I don’t wanna lose you over this.” He speaks out, completely calm and reasonable. The hand he had on your thigh felt more foreign than ever.

You give him a tight smile and try to get away from his hold, sitting up and leaning on the headboard of your bed where the two of you had just gone through heated rounds of sex. Couldn’t this have waited after you two were dressed? But he was probably wanting this moment to happen soon anyways so it doesn’t drag out because he’s just too nice. That was the problem with him, he was too damn nice.

“I… Thank you for tolerating me,” you smile, exhaling in the process. You couldn’t let him show how you could feel your insides shatter into powder and that the pain was seeping to your skin and bones. It hurt so much. You couldn’t breathe.

Jaehyun stayed silent but offered you a sheepish smile. It was as if he expected you to just accept his revelation and break up with you even though everyone, especially him, knew how you’d been in love with him for ages.

  The break up news wasn’t as shocking to people as you thought it would. Everyone saw it coming and they were just counting down until the two of you parted ways. Men and women were flocking him and you couldn’t stay mad as he treated them the same way he’d treat everyone while he was dating you but, the problem now is, he never loved you so who’s to say he wasn’t already entertaining people while you two were together?

 Your ‘friends’ saw this coming. Ten, one of the people that clearly expressed that he was not so fond of you, had brutally told you that it was about time before you eventually broke up because according to him, ‘Jaehyun was as interested in you like oil and water wanted to mix’. It hurt and it was embarrassing as he told you that in front of everyone. Even when you were together, he’d even make comments about you and Jaehyun sometimes when you were still together.

 Almost all of your group of friends had agreed with Ten, basically. With the way you were acting like everything was okay and that you were completely fine with parting ways with Jaehyun, everyone thought you had moved on from him. Though Jaehyun had said that the break-up was mutual, they never failed to tease you and tell you that Jaehyun probably dumped you which was real shitty, to be honest, but it was true anyways so you couldn’t deny it.

 You had no one to talk to. It was either they didn’t really care or they sided with Jaehyun. You weren’t apart of the original crew of friends anyways. Now that you’ve broken up with Jaehyun, it felt like there was no reason to spend time with them anymore.

 Jaehyun was very popular in university so of course, everyone knew him and wanted him. While people mostly knew you as the girl who chased after Jaehyun, became friends with him and finally got what she wanted when you successfully got him to date you. No one but you and Jaehyun knew about the one year you begged from him after he had turned you down after your very well prepared confession. Despite that, everyone wasn’t convinced your relationship was out of love in the first place. You’d make Jaehyun turn up in public with your marks inflicted in ‘passionate nights’ but everyone thought of it as purely sexual.

 Everyone knew Jaehyun didn’t like you that way and he was just too nice.

 2 weeks after, you go through the motions as if nothing has changed. You restrain yourself and start to stay away from Jaehyun. You don’t really actively reach out for him, or get close to him like you’d normally would. He’d assume his position beside you because ‘that’s what he was used to and you’re still a good friend to him’.

 You’d decided that little was better than none. You’d take this the feeling of your chest hurting just to see, feel and be with Jaehyun.

 “Did you sleep with her?” Haechan asks, teasing Jaehyun. Jaehyun had started going out with the guys again and although you didn’t wanna know, you were still in this table where the friends shared everything within themselves.

 “No, no! We’re still getting to know each other and besides, we both just got out of a relationship.” Jaehyun explains as he throws a piece of fry he stole from your plate into his mouth.

 Doyoung grunts, flicking Hyuck’s forehead which made the sophomore groan in pain. “Dude, his ex is literally beside him and it’s only been weeks. Rude.” Doyoung scolds Haechan who only retaliates back.

 “Oh, I forgot about you, sorry.” Hyuck shrugged nonchalantly, knowing that jab was directed to you. Without missing a beat, another topic overtakes the table and you’re left to your thoughts again.

 You lose your appetite and decide the peas in your mashed potatoes were very much interesting—just to tune out the others conversation. You tended to overthink and you admit for the past 2 weeks, you’ve thought of nothing except Jaehyun, especially when you were in bed. At night is where usually everything comes crashing down.

 2 weeks of sleepless nights full of tears and no one has noticed nor mentioned it. But you think it’s actually better than actually having to explain yourself. No one had heard your side of the story after the break up and how especially hard it was for you, of course. No one knew what was said and what transpired between your relationship.

 You always thought Jaehyun was just particular about his privacy but turns out, he was doing damage control and not letting people assume about your relationship so when the time came, no one could get in your business because they knew nothing at all. You felt stupid because now it’s clear that it was more like a day dream in your head. Jung Jaehyun, turns out, wasn’t as nice as everyone thought he was.

 You had your classes timed in your phone since you always managed to be late, mostly to the fact that Jaehyun had you pressed against a wall, crying for him, so when your alarm for your next class goes off, you quietly leave the table and as expected, no one really noticed. You liked it better that way.

 As your presence with Jaehyun’s friends started to become non-existent, you started having your food in the courtyard instead of the cafeteria where Jaehyun and his friends usually ate. They’d text you on your whereabouts but you managed to make excuses and you recently joined an org in uni that took up your time and your focus so they didn’t really bother asking much for you. You had a few classes with them anyways.

 Jaehyun texted you whenever he could, though. After all, before you dated, you were the closest to him so it’d be weird not to answer his messages. You had agreed to be friends with him anyways after that night when he dumped you. You did your best to reply, of course, you didn’t want to disappoint him. Again, a little was better than none.

 Most of the time, you’d end up thinking about wanting to cry about Jaehyun that eating became physically taxing and annoying, and you throw yourself in so much work and studying that you barely had time to rest and it didn’t help that Jaehyun was everywhere in your dorm as well so you resorted to sleeping in one of the empty classrooms.

 And that was where you saw him with her.

 You had no idea of what Jaehyun had been up to except for the stuff he’d tell you on text, but you definitely knew he always had had his eyes on this one girl from your Politics class and she definitely was very interested, and now even more that he’s single and you’re definitely out of the picture.

 Jaehyun and Mina were at the front of the room, with Jaehyun pressing the perfect Mina against the board, passionately kissing her in the classroom you were occupying. It seemed like they hand’t noticed ur existence as you were jolted awake when her heel hit the wooden tables when Jaehyun had lifted her from the table and onto his lap before pressing her against the wall, kissing her so slowly and passionately.

 He’d never kissed you that way. No matter how much he kissed you, how harder he fucked you, this was the most you’ve ever felt actual feelings from him. You couldn’t deny the painful jab at your heart so you distract yourself, thinking about your tiredness and want to sleep. You try to force yourself again back to sleep so you had to listen to them making out while talking like lovers. You didn’t cry at all, and you were damn proud, but after they had left, you missed your class and went straight to your dorm, seeing his ghost again. Seeing the ghost of him from your past memories was better than the Jaehyun you saw earlier. You couldn’t deal with him after that.

 After that, you’d completely tried to ignore Jaehyun and his friends. They were never your friends. You’d just smile and wave at them when you see them at classes but there was no point for conversation. They’d text you but it was over nothing. And not to mention that Ten was being extra cold and hurtful with the texts he sent you, knowing you being absent around them was because of Jaehyun.

 From TY:

-          I know you love him a lot.

-          I’m always here if you need to talk.

 From JCC:

-          We miss u broski 😔 we’ll kick Jaehyun and his new gf out for u just come back 😂

-          Oh. Sorry, they’re together now tho... I didn’t mean to tell you... but Ig it’s only right.

-          JN: Sorry :(

 From Junguwu:

-          Hang in there, y/n :) fighting!

 From: Hyuck

-          JAEHYUN HAS A NEW GF???? LMAOOO

-          Suck it up and come back! Show him u don’t need him 🤪

 From Doyoung:

-          You ok?

-          I guess you already know about Jaehyun and his new gf?

-          Take care of yourself, y/n. I know you love him a lot.

 From Jaehyun:

-          Y/n?? Where are you??

-          Miss hanging out with u!!

-          Imma buy u fries just hang out with us again!! I have sumn to tell u!!

-          Im seeing Mina now!! Reply when u see this!

 You busied yourself with the new organization you joined and turns out, the news of Jaehyun dating Mine was bigger than expected, well not to you. It had been a long time coming anyways. Mina and Jaehyun were hooking up even way before you and Jaehyun got together. Jaehyun and Mina were both well known to be one of the most beautiful people in campus and it just made sense they’d date. People were even calling them the most beautiful couple even before they met so needless to say, this couple was approved and well supported by the people in your uni, not just your department.

 You were old news. It had just been 3 months since you and Jaehyun broke up and it was long forgotten. However, comparison wasn’t avoided now that Jaehyun was dating a goddess in his league now, compared to when he dated you, a nobody. You were just known for being the girl that Jaehyun dumped after a year.

 Some people though, find it funny that you were still so obviously into Jaehyun. Your parting ways with Jaehyun and his friends was not unnoticed by the gossip mills in the uni. Out of spite and pure entertainment, people would as you about Jaehyun and how your relationship was, which you ignore—for the most part. Some people are just really interested in him and how it was dating him, and most people asked how he was in bed and of course, you didn’t answer. You tried to distance yourself from him and anything to do with him. You didn’t realize how popular Jaehyun was, honestly. You knew so many people were against you when you were friends and even more so when you started dating.

    You decide to go out again, linking up with a few girls in your org, Jisoo and Rose. It was a club you’ve never been before and you’re glad because they were actually good company. After the break-up with him, you often hung out with them because of the time you spent in the org and you’ve been inseparable ever since.

 It wasn’t common for you to wake up with a stranger next to you for the past 2 months. You heard that Jaehyun started sleeping around a week after you broke up and even if you tried to act like it didn’t hurt, it really did. He was always one to sleep around but he assured you he was loyal when you were together and you gave yourself to him whenever he needed you so he wouldn’t stray but clearly, that wasn’t enough to keep him.

 You recognize your one night stand as Mingyu who you had class with last semester and was good friends with Jaehyun. Not that it mattered, though.

“You were crying last night,” Mingyu started when he passed you a bowl of cereal as breakfast from his position in the other side of the kitchen island. He had offered, of course.

 It wasn’t anything new, really. “Oh?”

 “You were calling his name, you know,” he started as he looked up at you, gauging your reaction, “even when I was fucking you.” He said awkwardly then cleared his throat.

 You sigh, clicking your tongue, “that’s embarrassing. I’m so sorry.” Again, it wasn’t anything new.

 “It’s ok. I know you love him. Everybody knows.”

 You frown, “is that supposed to be a good thing?”

 He looks at you and sees your less than welcoming expression. “No, I mean like, he knows you love him and everyone does. It shows. And it’s completely understandable why you’re hurt now that he’s... with Mina.” He cleared his throat when you visibly wince at the mention of Mina’s name. “He’d tell us... about you sometimes when we hung out.”

 You didn’t want anyone’s pity, honestly. “Yeah, well. See how that didn’t work out.” You laugh bitterly. “I gave him a lot of me and he never felt the same way. It’s ok, though. I mean...” you pause and start to eat your cereal and he nods.

 “Umm... I’m really sorry I don’t know how to comfort you but if it makes you feel any better...” he pauses, as if pondering then smiles before speaking again, “you’re a great fuck.”

 You burst out laughing, “well, that was the only way I could keep him, Mingyu.”

 Mingyu ended up dropping you off at your dorms on the way to his first class, and in his car so the walk of shame wasn’t as embarrassing. You didn’t forget what he told you before you came down the car.

 “You’re worth it, y/n and more than enough. Jaehyun isn’t just for you and it’s his loss, honestly.”

 You skipped on your first class, staring up the ceiling as you let the tears fall silently until you couldn’t breathe. Even with the amount of guys you’ve slept with, none of them compared to Jaehyun. You knew some of the guys you’ve slept with knew you were Jaehyun’s ex and if they didn’t, they’d know from the way you could call his name and cry for him in the middle of drunken sex. You felt extra bad for Mingyu as he turned out to be a great ear for you and the fact that he said that you were one of the best fucks he’s ever had while you couldn’t say the same.

 Sex was pointless at this point, honestly. You couldn’t feel anything but the emptiness and pain you felt while you were being fucked and usually, the after effects were you being sore. And the only way you would cum was when you’d think about Jaehyun fucking you but that made the pain in your heart grow. It was an annoying cycle.

    “Fuck me, Jaehyun.” You’ve admittedly had a little more to drink so it was the first thing you said as soon as you saw him. He was in a booth along with his friends and your arrival and opening words surprised them all, no doubt.

 “What are you doing here?” Jaehyun asks, confused. He’s never seen you at a club before and knew you didn’t like going to clubs. Well, you only started going after you broke up anyways so how would he know. Jaehyun and a few of the guys stand up, holding you in your drunk stupor.

 “Fuck me.” You mutter as you push yourself to him and catch his mouth in a heated kiss which he stops by pushing you away and wiping his mouth. That hurt.

 “What the hell is happening here?” Ten asks, confused and surprised as Jaehyun looks at you in so much shock.

 You were desperate and the alcohol inside you was giving you the push and confidence that you usally didn’t have. “Jaehyun, please. Fuck me. I’m begging you.” You plead, trying to kiss him and grind yourself against him that you smell Johnny’s familiar cologne and you just know that he was the one who pulled you away from Jaehyun and is currently holding you back. “I can’t feel anything. I can’t. Jaehyun, please. Fuck me. Make me feel. Please, please.”

 “Are you on drugs?” Johnny asks, scanning his eyes over you as he holds you back from Jaehyun.

 “I’m not high or drunk, Johnny. I just can’t take it anymore! I can’t feel anything! Just-I just need to feel something… anything.” You reach out for Jaehyun again and Johnny’s hold tightens around you. “I’ve tried fucking other guys, I even fucked Mingyu and the guys in your team but I... can’t. If they’re not you. I can’t fucking feel. Make me feel, Jaehyun. Please.”

 Jaehyun talks to the guys and they decided to leave you be, Jaehyun personally drives you to your apartment while they cover for him. Mina was there after all.

 He helps you to your house, not trusting you alone. Yes, you were drunk but you were aware of everything you were doing and saying. In the car, you didn’t shed a tear, keeping quiet. You basked in the feeling of anxiety he was giving you. It was better than not feeling anything at all.

 As soon as you got in your room, you kissed him and stripped. And of course, he did fuck you after you begged him. And he made you beg more and more in bed, too. The tears that you thought would run out, never stopped pouring as he fucked you. Because the person that you heart longed for was finally in your arms again.

 Your heart was full with him. His warmth filled your being, his scent filled your senses, his kisses left you breathless, hos touches leaving warmth in his wake, his cock filling you like no one has ever and his cum filling you to the brim. You felt everything all at once that you felt overwhelmed. You knew you were screaming how much you loved him as he was fucking you and you don’t regret it. You let him use you for his own pleasure as you cried for him. You’d take everything and anything you could for tonight.

 After multiple rounds of fucking, you were beyond exhausted but seeing him in the flesh beside you, in your bed again made you... feel. Before tonight, he was just a ghost in your home and in your mind. You’ve longed to see him like this again. You spent a lot of the night awake, watching him sleep, tracing the features of his beautiful face you’ve missed that you’ll probably won’t see again.

 “Am I ever gonna be someone worthy of your love?” You ask quietly as you stare at his serene face. It was unfair how beautiful he looked, even at his most vulnerable. “I miss you so much.” He shifts and you pull your hand back as if you were burned, tucking your hand away, feeling awkward. “I’ll never be enough for you and I know that. I don’t wish for you to feel the same way because I don’t deserve it. You deserve better. You deserve her. She’s everything I’m not…” You scoot away from him, giving him much space as possible. “But I wish I was her and you were mine.” You feel the tears fall down your temple and you quickly wipe it away. “I’ll never be deserving of you, even just a little bit of your heart, Jaehyun.”

  You decided to clean up, taking your time in the tub and wearing sweatpants and a hoodie to hide the marks he inflicted onto you. You didn’t want him to see, even if he knew what he was did. Walking was a bit hard to do because of the sex but it wasn’t new with him.

 You sit on the solo sofa by the bed, watching Jaehyun asleep, lying on his stomach and head facing you as he slept, mouth agape and body completely limp. You could see the scratch marks on his back and arms and the hickies on his neck too but frankly, you try not to care about it too much.

 You barely notice the sun coming up until the room is filled with light and the sun just highlights Jaehyun’s beauty more and more. You feel... everything all at once. The loss, the pain, the love, the anxiety, the despair, the desperation, the jealousy—everything. It had you feeling breathless, as if the air was knocked out of your lungs.

 You hated it but it was better than feeling numb. You’ve never been so lonely and unwanted before and you it hits you so hard.

 A little was better than nothing.

[imagine-loki]

Gifted

Title: Gifted (Sequel to Giftless)

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: 28/?

AUTHOR: nekoamamori ORIGINAL IMAGINE: 

Imagine that you are Stark’s niece and you secretly share a strong relationship with Loki since he entered the crew. One day you get hurt so bad during a mission that you are about to die.  Loki knows a spell that will save you and share his immortality with you but you and he will be linked forever sharing thoughts, pain, emotions…

RATING: T NOTES/WARNINGS:  Also on AO3 click here

You laid on the bed realizing how very very stupid you were. You were a complete moron, queen of moronville, and how on Earth had you come up with this crazy idiotic plan? It really had seemed like a good plan at the time. It was actually quite a good plan. But that still didn’t mean that you weren’t a moron for it. There was no choice, though. It was your only chance of getting outside the shields without causing suspicion.

That did not make you any less dumb.

Or any less desperate.

You waited awhile longer, until the sun had set. Then you set your plan into motion, cursing yourself for your incredibly stupid plan. You had left a spark of your magical fire under the main stove in the kitchen when the servants weren’t looking. You threw power into it now, blasting it into a full fire, including a rather nice explosion that set fire to other parts of the mansion.

You kept having to tell yourself as you grew and grew the flames that this was your fire. This was not the fire of all those years ago, this was not the fire from the night your parents died when you were 13. Just because you were in a bed with the mansion going up in flames around you did not mean this was the fire from then.  You had to calm your breathing and fight back flashbacks from the other fire.  

You did mention you were dumb for this plan.

Especially when it was causing a panic attack from the PTSD you had of the other fire.

You were pretending to be asleep when Balder burst into the room. He hauled you to your feet and dragged you out of the room. “Get outside. Stay with the servants,” he yelled at you, giving orders he expected to be obeyed. You did as you were told, leaving the burning mansion with the servants. In the meantime, Balder ran toward the vault to save his stolen powers.

The second you were far enough away from the mansion, you felt the moment that you  passed through the shields.  You turned to your guards and gave them a wicked grin while you used telekinesis to rip their headphones off. “Sorry,” you told them. The one word had them all passed out in the snow.

You took one moment to feel for Loki’s location through the soulbond. It was too far, your range of teleporting couldn’t span the whole realm, but you had to get away from the mansion before Balder found out what you had done. /Kat!/ you heard Loki’s voice in your mind and grinned. He could find you now that you were outside the shields. /Are you safe? You are too far away, it will take you more than a few jumps to get to you. It will take a little while/

/I have to get away from here before Balder finds me. I’ll teleport as far as you can/ you told him.

/Be safe, darling. Thor is on your side of the realm.  I will give him your location once you land. We will be there to help you soon/ Loki promised.

/Tell him that I literally cannot speak/ you warned. Thor didn’t have telepathy and you weren’t sure after the jump you would be able to use your own. /I’ll explain later/ you added before Loki could ask. You needed to get out of here before Balder came out of the mansion.

/I have marked your location. We will be able to find that place again. Get out of there, love/ Everything at the mansion was taken care of. So you teleported as far as you could in the direction of where Loki was. /Loki?/ you asked. You hadn’t made it as far as you wanted, but Balder shouldn’t be able to track you, or teleport after you. You also had your dagger sheath back.

Next time you escaped from a crazy man, you needed to remember to summon real clothes before you burned all your power teleporting to safety. There was a good foot of snow on the ground. You were barefoot and wearing a shift. It wasn’t even a real dress. This was a bad combination. So you started walking. Anything to keep from lying down in the snow and going to sleep. You managed to summon a little flame, though the effort made you dizzy. You hoped Loki wasn’t burning all of his magic teleporting across the realm. Both of you being useless wouldn’t be good.

/Thor and I are coming/ you heard the strain in his mental voice, he was burning through his magic too. 

You trudged through the snow, shivering when your flame went out. You couldn’t summon it back. You did’t know how long or how far you walked before Loki appeared in front of you. “Loki!” you exclaimed, too brain dead from the cold to even think. “Shit,” you added in a mutter when he instantly collapsed. You were going to kill Balder. You ran to Loki and was grateful he was still breathing. Balder had over-exaggerated how much damage a shout could do, at least to a Asgardian. The effects would probably be worse on a human.

You didn’t know what you were going to do, though. Loki was unconscious and there was nothing you could see but snow and trees. You finally spotted what looked like a cave nearby. It was a good thing that Loki had a slight build. You couldn’t stay out in the snow, you’d both freeze. Loki’s skin seemed to be tinging bluer and bluer by the moment, and you thought you was going crazy when it looked like lines appeared on his skin.

You had learned at some point how to do a fireman’s carry. You never thought you’d actually need or use the skill. You somehow managed to do it and hoist Loki onto your shoulders. How you made it to that cave, you’d never know. You got us far enough back in the cave that you were sheltered from the wind. Out of pure desperation, you somehow managed to conjure a fire and sheer stubbornness kept it going. You couldn’t let you and Loki freeze. Loki’s skin and body was always so cold anyway.

It seemed like hours later when you heard a voice outside of our cave. “Loki? Kat?” It was Thor.  You ran to the cave entrance, desperately. Thor was on the path you had made in the snow, mounted on his horse. At least your trail was clear to follow. You waved to him from the cave. He raised a hand in acknowledgement and rode over. He dismounted in an instant and wrapped his warm arms around me. “You’re frozen,” he said, pulling off his cloak and wrapping it around you. you grabbed his hand and dragged him into the cave. “Loki? What happened?”

/A curse from Balder. He’s fine, just unconscious/ you told him, still holding his hand. It took barely any power to use telepathy when you were in physical contact with the person you wanted to talk to. /I tried to keep him warm…/ you added, worriedly. 

Thor just laughed. “He is Jotun, little sister. He cannot freeze,” Thor went to check out Loki anyway. You wrapped his cloak tighter around you. “He will be fine. Dismiss the fire. We should get out of here,” you nodded and vanished the flames. “Can you ride?” you nodded. “Good, I cannot hold both of you on the horse at the same time.” Even Thor’s strength had limits. Somehow he mounted the horse while keeping Loki cradled in his arms. He settled Loki on the horse in front of him, then offered you a hand. You reached up and took it. He swung you up behind him. “Good thing you two are so little. Ashe here could not carry all three of us otherwise. Hold on tight, little sister. There is a village nearby we can hole up in for the night.” You wrapped your arms tightly around his waist. He was so warm that you finally felt like you wouldn’t freeze to death.

You rode for what felt like a long time. “Why am I in your arms like a maiden?” Loki demanded a long time later. You laughed and was grateful that didn’t knock the boys out. Laughter was ok it seemed.

“You were unconscious, little brother,” Thor replied jovially. “We are nearly there. Sister, are you still ok?” Thor asked. You moved your arm enough that he could see the thumb’s up you gave him. You pulled it back under the cloak as quickly as you could and huddled yourself against Thor’s warmth. He stopped the horse in front of an inn in the village. Loki leapt out of his grip the second it was safe to do so. He reached up to help you down from the horse, holding you in his arms. Thor dismounted and handed a coin to the hostler who came to take his horse. He led you all into the inn.

“You have found the princess!” the innkeeper announced excitedly. You flushed and hid your face against Loki’s shoulder.

“Good innkeeper, do you have a room available we might have for the night?” Thor asked, assuming royal privilege would grant you a room regardless.

“Yes, yes, of course. you will also have one of the girls bring something to eat up to you.” Thor and the innkeeper dealt with the details and you zoned out a little.  

/Sorry/ you told Loki as he wandered closer to the fire in the inn’s dining room. You felt bad for accidentally knocking him out

“It is alright, darling. Though you will have to tell me what happened,” he told you, his voice was a mix of emotions: concern, relief, love.

/Later? So tired/ your telepathic voice was even mumbling and starting to slur. He kissed your forehead.

“Later,” he agreed. “Let’s get you warm first.” As soon as the innkeeper was dealt with, you all trudged upstairs to the room you were given. Loki summoned fluffy pajamas and thick fuzzy socks for you and tucked you in under a pile of blankets in one of the two beds. “Rest, love. We will wake you when the food arrives,” Loki bid you softly, gently.

/This is real?/ you asked, not quite sure you believed that you had actually escaped.

“Very real. You are safe now.” He kissed your forehead and you allowed yourself to close your eyes and finally relax.

[bilbos]

Yesterday || Adam Lowry

word count: 8.5k words

requested: yes || no

author’s note: this was written as part of @hockeynetwork‘s Hockey Trump Hate event! This piece is for @antoineroussel <3 Also, admittedly, I was a bit hand-wavey about some things like who Brandon Tanev is dating and I’m ignoring that he was ever traded for the sake of this story. 

ao3 link

~ ~ ~

Deciding to move to Winnipeg to go to university is something you never imagined. Living in the states, back in Seattle, there were plenty of great opportunities. But something drew you to the school and you knew that you had to try and get in. 

Dating a famous hockey player was also something you had never imagined, yet here you are. You met Adam at a party in your freshman year at the University of Winnipeg. To be honest, you didn’t even recognize him at first, but once you started to talk to him more, you developed more of a crush on him.

It wasn’t until the beginning of your sophomore year that the two of you began to date, but Adam has been an amazing boyfriend the last three years. Now that you’ve graduated, you’re officially moving the rest of your stuff into his apartment. While attending university, he was insistent that you live with your friends to get a true university experience. At the time, it hurt, but you’re grateful for it now.

“Babe, how the hell did you get so much stuff living in that tiny apartment?” Adam groans as he carries in the last box from the moving truck.

You shrug. “Nobody was there to tell me no to my late-night impulse purchases.”

Adam looks at you and raises an eyebrow. You know that look and just laugh. Even though it might not seem like it, sometimes he was the more responsible one, at least when it came to money.

“You know what, it all brought me joy during finals week, and I feel like that’s good enough reasoning,” you explain.

“I love you, y/n, but you know that’s shitty reasoning,” Adam remarks. “At least I’ll be around to tell you no from now on.”

“But did you think about when you’re on road trips?” you ask innocently.

Adam just stares at you again, pursing his lips. “I’ll figure something out.”

You snort as you walk into the kitchen to start unpacking all of your kitchenware. Adam sighs and comes in to start helping you. Despite all of his grumbling, you know he doesn’t have that much of an issue with it.

“So, how’s the job hunt going?” he asks, subtly changing the subject.

~ ~ ~

Now that you’ve been out of school for six months, you start to realize the lack of a support system you have here in Winnipeg. Outside of the academic sphere, you’ve had a hard time meeting new people and feeling like there’s people in your corner, rooting you on. You never realized how lucky you’ve been the last four years. It’s not like you don’t enjoy being in Winnipeg, there’s some truly great places here, but it just doesn’t feel like home anymore.

And it’s not that you’re lonely, you’ve met some amazing people outside of Adam’s sphere of friends. But…it’s just not the same. Plus, how often he’s gone during the season really sucks. Somehow, it feels worse than when the two of you weren’t living together. You’ve only brought this up to Adam a couple of times, but each time it was met with resistance. He just didn’t seem to get it. Which is how you’ve found yourself on your coworker’s couch with a glass of wine on a Friday night when Adam is off on another three-day trip.

“Julia, I just don’t get why this is so hard,” you complain for the hundredth time.

“I think it might just be because he doesn’t get it, so he can’t help you,” Julia explains patiently. “It’s hard when your biggest support system just…doesn’t support you.”

You sigh. “Why are you so smart, Julia?”

“Because I have to be. Working with high schoolers is a trip and a half, as you very well know.”

“Unfortunately,” you remark.

You and Julia both work with a non-profit focused on student and family advocacy. It’s tough work, but you’ve met some amazing people this way and you feel good doing what you’re doing. This job is also part of the reason why you’re hesitant to leave Winnipeg. The thought of leaving your students is hard to think about, but you know that if you’re not feeling great, it can be hard to serve the community at full capacity.

“Look, we’ve been over this plenty of times. Just finish out the school year and see if you can find something back home,” Julia says. “I know it feels like giving up, but it isn’t. If this is taking a toll on your mental and emotional health, then it’s okay to go back.”

“God, I wish you weren’t right,” you whisper. “I hate this so much.”

“Well, you know it won’t hurt to look for opportunities. And I know that you’ve been looking at grad schools. It might be easier to get support for that back with your old support system.”

You drain the rest of your wine, then set down the glass. “Yeah, I guess so. I just…need to think about this more when I’m sober.”

Julia snorts. “Okay, kid, let’s get you to bed.”

~ ~ ~

Adam knows nothing about your job search. It feels weird to bring it up if nothing might come of it. You can tell he knows that something is up, but you decide to not bring it up. No use in starting a fight over it, even though it might explode in your face later on. It isn’t until the end of June that you get a phone interview from a school back in Seattle that you start to get nervous.

Now that the hockey season is officially over, Adam is a bit more aware of what you’re doing as well. When you decide to bring it up, you can tell he’s angry, but trying not to show it.

“I just…don’t get it,” he whispers.

“That’s the whole problem, Adam,” you reply. “You always brushed off my concerns about not having the same support system here. I just…don’t feel like I belong here.”

“Did you ever consider that this is your fault?” he accuses.

He snaps his mouth shut, but the damage is already done.

“I think I should go,” you whisper. “I don’t think this is healthy for either of us.”

“Look, babe, I didn’t mean it,” Adam says, desperate to try and fix things.

“Oh, so you decided to just say it out of nowhere?” you ask.

You can feel the tears welling up in your eyes. Immediately, you feel ashamed feeling sad over something you knew might happen. Adam reaches out to you, but you shrug him off.

“I’m headed to Julia’s for the night so we can both cool off, okay?”

He just nods and watches you leave. When you get to Julia’s, she immediately knows what’s going on and wraps you up in a hug.

“So, how bad was it?” she asks softly, as she leads you to the couch.

“He told me it was my fault,” you whisper. “And I guess it kind of is, but I don’t know if he realizes how hard it is, you know? I don’t want to leave Adam; I love him so much. Like, I decided to stay in Canada for him, you know?”

“Look, I think some distance will do you two really well. I mean, things were good when the two of you weren’t living together, right? So now that you’re both all up in each other’s business, it could change things.”

“Yeah, they were. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try. But I’m going to talk to him tomorrow, though. Tonight, I just want to watch some cheesy movies and maybe get a bit tipsy.”

“You’re lucky I just stocked back up on wine,” Julia jokes.

~ ~ ~

When you go back to your place the following morning, he isn’t there. You just assume that he decided to go hang out with some friends last night. So, you take this as a perfect opportunity to call your mom and explain what’s going on.

“Well, if you think that’s what’s best for you, then of course you can come home,” she says softly.

“I just feel like I failed,” you groan.

“Look, I know it’s hard right now and that things didn’t work out how you imagined them, but it’ll be fine.”

“I know, it’s just…I know that things will be weird with Adam now and I hate that I’m going to lose him.”

“We all lose people that are important to us. Maybe one day you can fix things, but it’s important to put yourself first before your relationship with him.”

“Yeah, I get it,” you sigh. “God, I don’t even know when I’ll be able to leave. I have to find a job and everything.”

“Don’t worry about that, honey. Just come back and we’ll figure it out. No need having you stay in a place that isn’t healthy for you.”

You start tearing up. “Thank you, mom.”

“Of course, honey. Now, let’s start planning your trip back.”

~ ~ ~

When Adam comes back a couple of hours later, you’ve already booked a moving truck to come in a week and a half. You and your mom knew that if there wasn’t anything making you pack up and leave him, you never would.

“Look, I’m really sorry, I should have thought through what I’ve said,” Adam whispers as he sits next to you on the couch. “But I still think that maybe things can get better for you here. I don’t want to lose you, y/n.”

“Adam, I love you, I really do. It’s just…this isn’t home for me, you know? I have some friends, but I just feel like I’m floating through my life here. I can’t have that. I want to actually live my life and not just have things pass me by because I can’t bring myself to break up with you,” you explain.

“Y/n, we can make this work,” he pleads.

“You’ve known this was an issue for months now, Adam. What have you done to make it work? Absolutely nothing. Every time I brought something up, you just shrugged me off like it was nothing!”

“Because it is nothing,” Adam accuses.

You suck in a breath and then stand up. “This is what I can’t fucking deal with. I think it’s best we part ways. I’ll pack up my stuff and go to Julia’s.”

Adam purses his lips and nods stiffly. “Fine.”

“I’m sorry,” you whisper.

~ ~ ~

Packing is a somber experience. Adam avoids you like the plague the couple of days it takes you to put everything in boxes. Julia helps you pack everything up between both of your cars and bringing it to her apartment. You feel so exhausted and you’re not sure how you’re going to make it through the next couple of weeks.

Julia is a lovely roommate, making sure that you don’t mope around the apartment too much. She’s there with junk food and wine when you have to put in your notice to work, which breaks your heart more than leaving Adam. Knowing that you won’t get to say goodbye to your cohort of students is hard.

“They’ll understand. They’ll hurt and be mad, but they’ll get it. Besides, you’ll come up here to visit me, right? You can visit them then.”

“Yeah, I know,” you whisper. “God, I’m going to miss getting drunk on this couch, you know? I don’t know what I’ll do at home.”

Julia snorts. “I’m sure you’ll find someone back in Seattle. You made friends with me pretty quick.”

“It’s because we both didn’t know what we were doing. We bonded out of pure confusion.”

“Okay, that’s true, but you’re great at making friends.”

“My current situation would beg to differ,” you joke.

Julia just smiles, and then runs her hands through your hair. “You’ll do good, babe. You were made to do more than live with a shitty boyfriend.”

“You’re the best,” you whisper. “I think it’s time for bed.”

Julia laughs and helps bring you back up to the guest room.

~ ~ ~

Moving back home was hard. You and Julia sobbed as you packed up the last of your things in the moving truck. Leaving her was worse than leaving Adam, something you never thought could be possible.

“Well, don’t forget about me, Julia,” you whisper.

“You know I couldn’t,” she replies softly, before wrapping you up in one last tight hug.

When you get back into the truck with your mom, she gives your hand a tight squeeze before starting up the truck. It’s silent for a little while, until you’re well out of Winnipeg.

“So, you’re finally out. How does it feel?” she asks.

“I…think I’m happy. Or maybe it’s just a relief. I’m not sure yet,” you reply. “I haven’t even talked with him since I left our house. Which I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at, you know?”

“It still hurts, though. You thought he might try to talk to you.”

“Yeah, not like it would have really changed much. But…I thought we could try being friends or something. But that’s hopeful thinking, I suppose.”

“I don’t know if you’ll ever be friends again, but it’s probably for the best.”

“Yeah, I know. Like I know it was kind of my fault for not really trying to settle in and everything, so I don’t blame him for not talking to me. It’s just…weird. I really thought it was a forever type of thing.”

“Well, you’re still young. You’re only 23, y/n. There’s still so much time left for you to find things to explore and learn.”

“Ugh, you’re so right. It’ll just take me some time to get used to, I suppose.”

“Now that you’re coming back home, maybe you can start studying for the GRE next year. I know you wanted to originally wait a couple of more years to do that, but that was when you were with Adam. Maybe you can go sooner now and not worry about finding a long-term job back at home.”

You just nod as you look out the window. She’s right on the dot about why you were waiting. But it wouldn’t hurt to apply next year and go back to school the year after that. It’ll give you more experience in actually trying to settle into a new place away from home because as much as you love it in Seattle, you don’t want to stay there forever.

~ ~ ~

Two years have passed and you’re packing up to move to Eugene. You’ve been accepted to the University of Oregon in their Ph.D. program for cultural anthropology. It’s strange, packing up your life again, but it feels good to be free again.  

Your mom hugs you as you finish packing up your car with everything you need to move back to school with. She’s a bit teary eyed, but you can tell that she’s proud of you. When you first moved back to Seattle, you never expected to be this happy about leaving everything behind, but you are. There’s something freeing about finally being able to pick up the pieces and move on. You’re moving to a new place and you can make a fresh start again.

Other things have changed too. Julia had grown a tentative friendship with Adam after you had left. Both were worried about you when you had left, but he never felt comfortable talking to you right after the breakup, so he heard about what you were doing through her. She never really talked to him until you gave her the okay that things wouldn’t be hard on you if they became friends.

It was through him that she met Brandon Tanev and they hit it off immediately. Remembering him from the couple of times you met him while you lived in Winnipeg, you know that they’re a good match for each other. You were expecting it to be weird, but you’re just happy that Julia has found someone.

The drive from Seattle to Eugene only takes you about five hours. You’re moving in with two people you met over on Facebook who were looking to add one more roommate to their house. The three of you clicked right away and you were excited to be finding people you liked.

It’s weird meeting them in person, but Sam and Vera are extremely kind. It puts you at ease when they help you bring your boxes to your shared house without asking if you needed help. Your room is small, but not too cramped. Even if it was tiny, it’s nice living close to the university.

“So, I know you’re here because of school, but any other reason you decided to come out here?” Vera inquires over dinner.

“I guess I just decided I needed to try and be independent again. Last time I moved away from home, I think I was too dependent on my boyfriend to make everything better for me,” you explain. “It was pretty toxic, if I do say so myself. We weren’t very kind to each other.”

“Oh, is that why you were in Winnipeg?” Sam asks. “I saw that you lived there for a little while on your Facebook.”

“Yeah, it was, on top of going to school as well. But that was a while ago and I promise I’ve gotten better since then,” you reply.

“Don’t worry, we have a pretty open line of communication, so we’ll let you know if something is up,” Sam says. “But we’re happy you’re here! It’s good to know that we won’t have to find a cramped apartment to live in.”

You snort. “I’m glad too. It’s nice to be in an actual house.”

The rest of dinner is fairly casual and they both send you off to unpack your necessities while they clean up the dishes. No matter what, you think you’ll settle in just fine here.

~ ~ ~

Three years into your program and your life has never been better, if you do say so yourself. Sam and Vera have become your best friends, besides Julia. Life here has been great and you’ve been thriving. You still have three years left, depending on how well your research goes, but you’re excited to finally be starting that part of your degree.

You’re also in an amazing relationship with your current boyfriend, Max. The two of you met your first year in your program. He’s studying linguistics in the same department as you and even though you never really were fond of that particular subfield, Max still made it sound amazing. After six months of knowing each other, the two of you went on your first date, and now two and a half years later, you’re happier than ever.

Julia is also getting married this summer to Brandon and you’re going to be the maid of honor. Of course, Adam is going to be Brandon’s best man, but you figure that everything should be okay now. It’s been five years since the two of you broke up and that’s given the two of you enough time to heal from old wounds.

“Are you sure it’s not going to be weird?” Vera asks. “I mean, I know you think everything is going to be good, but you guys haven’t talked in five years.”

“That’s exactly why I think it’s going to be fine. We’re both adults now and surer of ourselves. At least, I am, anyways,” you answer. “Besides, even if I wasn’t okay with it, I would suck it up for Julia. I can’t just not show up to her wedding because I want to avoid Adam.”

Sam purses her lips. “Yeah, we know. But if anything goes wrong, we’ll kick his ass for you. Or…I guess Max can since he’s going to the wedding.”

“I’m sure he’ll be enough of a deterrent for Adam,” you reply. “And it’s just for a few days. The most contact we’ll have is when we walk down the aisle.”

“I bet those were words you never thought you’d say,” Sam jokes.

“No, they really weren’t. But I promise it’ll be okay,” you say, reassuringly.

~ ~ ~

When you and Max get to Winnipeg, it feels like nothing has changed. It feels like you just left. All of this makes you feel nostalgic, but having Max besides you makes everything feel better. The two of you are staying in a hotel near the wedding venue, which is where everyone who travelled in is going to be. There’s a small chance that you’ll run into Adam there, but Julia told you that she placed the both of you as far away from each other as possible.

For that, you’re feeling grateful. When the two of you get to the room, Max hugs you tightly.

“What’s this for?” you ask.

“Dunno, just feeling happy, I guess,” he replies. “Weddings always make me happy.”

“Even though you don’t know the people getting married?”

“They matter to you, so they matter to me.”

“You’re such a sap,” you reply, as you pull out from his hug. “I know we’re having a moment and everything, but I really want dinner.”

Max snorts. “Of course you do. Where do you want to go?”

“There’s a great sushi place not too far from here, if I remember correctly.”

“Let’s get going, then.”

~ ~ ~

The first time you see Adam is at the wedding rehearsal the following day. Well, rehearsal is a loose term, considering that everyone is only quickly running through what the reception will look like. It’s more of a time for everyone to reconnect.

He’s here by himself, which surprises you a bit. You’re fully expecting him to have a girlfriend. Maybe she just can’t make it today and will be at the wedding tomorrow. As much as you try to avoid him, he manages to see you right as you throw away your trash.

“Hey, y/n,” Adam greets.

“Oh, hey, Adam,” you reply. “It’s been a while.”

“Yeah, definitely. What have you been up to?” he inquires.

“I’m over in Oregon working on my Ph.D.,” you answer. “I only have three or four years left. I’m just starting the applied part of my degree, so I’m not sure how long that will take.”

“Oh, that’s nice. Here with anybody?”

“Yeah, I’m here with my boyfriend, Max. What about you?”

“No, I’m not dating anyone right now. But I’m happy for you,” he says.

“Yeah, right back at you. It looks like you’re holding up pretty well on the Jets.”

He nods. “It’s felt good the last couple of years. I’ve really fallen into a good groove.”

“I can tell,” you reply. “We’ll have to catch up later. I told Max I was just tossing my garbage.”

“Oh, yeah, no worries. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

When you get back to the table, Max raises an eyebrow. “How did it go?”

“Not as bad as I was expecting, to be honest. Although it has been five years, so I guess we’re both pretty far removed from it all.”

“That’s good,” he replies. “So, when do you think is an acceptable time to leave? Not that I’m not having fun, but I feel like I need to save up energy for tomorrow.”

“I’ll just tell Julia we’re headed out and then we can go back to the hotel.”

Max nods and kisses you lightly. When you walk over to Julia, she hugs you tightly.

“I’m so glad you could come,” Julia says. “Were things weird with Adam?”

“I didn’t talk with him for too long, so not really. But I think we’ll be okay, Julia. We’re all adults here, so an old breakup won’t come in the way of your happy day.”

“I know it wouldn’t, but I still worry a bit, you know? The two of you haven’t talked in all of that time you’ve been gone.”

You shrug. “I think that was the right decision, though. It would have hurt us more if we kept talking or tried to reconcile through texts or phone calls.”

“That makes sense. It’s weird, though, seeing the two of you together but not together.”

“Makes sense, I guess. But things are good with Max, so I doubt there’ll be an ‘us’ again.”

Julia just hugs you again. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Have some fun tonight.”

You laugh and shake your head. “I really think we’re just going to watch a movie and fall asleep way too early, but thank you for the encouragement.”

~ ~ ~

The following morning is extremely hectic. Max is still back at the hotel, and will be until the wedding starts. But you’re at the venue helping Julia get ready. Or, rather, making sure that Julia’s mom, Emma, doesn’t become too overbearing. You know that she only wants things to be perfect, but it can be a bit much. Hell, you’re not even the one getting married and Emma is stressing you out beyond belief.

“Okay, ladies, we only have an hour left!” Emma exclaims, a bit of panic seeping through.

“It’ll be fine,” you say to Emma, pulling her off to the side.

“I know,” she whispers. “But you know how I get.”

You laugh. “You’ve done an amazing job so far, and it’ll be beautiful.”

She gives you a quick hug. “Always the practical one.”

“I try to be.”

The rest of the lead up to the wedding passes by quickly. When you get to the beginning of the aisle, you see Adam. He smiles at you hesitantly. You smile back and walk over to him.

“How are you feeling?” you whisper.

“Not too bad. Excited for the ceremony to be over.”

You raise an eyebrow at that.

“Look, it’s just the same thing every time. It’s not like I’m not happy for them, I just get tired of the same thing over and over again.”

“I’m telling Julia you said that,” you joke.

Adam lets out a fake gasp, which makes you laugh a little. Before you can continue your conversation, the music starts up, signaling that it’s time for the two of you to walk out. Adam is right, though. Ceremonies can get a bit boring and while you’re happy for Julia, you spend more time staring off into space than you would care to admit.

Once Julia and Brandon walk down the aisle, you’re relieved. The reception promises to be relaxed and fun. It isn’t until you get seated that you realize Adam is going to be at the same table. Julia said that there might be some table changes at the practice reception, but you didn’t realize she would put Adam at your table. It’ll be fine though, you’ll sure it will all be okay. You can tell Adam is a bit surprised as well when he sits down.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that we would be at the same table,” he says, apologetically.

“It’s fine,” you reply. “I guess this means I can introduce you to Max.”

Adam’s eyes flicker over to Max, and gives him a small smile. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, right back at you,” Max replies, a bit awkwardly.

Conversation takes an awkward pause as a few other people get seated at the table.

“So, how long have you guys been together?” Adam asks.

“Two and a half years,” Max answers, looking over at you and smiling. “We met in our intro class for the Ph.D. program we’re in.”

“Oh, that’s great,” Adam replies. “What are both of you hoping to do after you graduate?”

“We’re hoping to go into research somewhere and then hopefully teach at a university or community college. But it all depends on where we can get jobs. Finding one teaching job is hard enough, but two would be near impossible,” you explain. “We’ll work it out, though. There’s still a few more years.”

Adam nods. “I’m glad for you both.”

“Thanks,” you whisper.

Conversation flows easily after that, catching each other up on everything that’s happened the last few years. Adam had been in a long-term relationship, but they had broken up only a few months ago. He didn’t say why and you didn’t want to push, he looked heartbroken talking about it. Only a few minutes later, Julia and Brandon come back out to the reception and announce that dinner is going to be served. After eating and sitting through several speeches, the two of them have their first dance.

The music picks up after that, and you and Max decide to only stay for a few songs. Your flight out the next morning is bright and early. Adam stays at the table, stating that he doesn’t have anyone he wants to dance with. You shrug it off, thinking it’s not your problem anymore.

The rest of the night is amazing, and when your alarm goes off the next morning, you groan as you shut it off. Both you and Max get ready in a haze and barely make it to the airport on time. Thankfully, neither of you have anything going on the next few days, allowing the both of you to rest.

~ ~ ~

After the wedding, it seems to open the door to you and Adam talking again. It’s weird, and it feels wrong talking to him again, but you know that it’s just as friends. Max is well aware of it and he has no issue with it, stating that the two of you are both well removed from anything romantic and that he’s sure of your relationship with him.

It isn’t until January that you see Adam again. With the All Stars game going on, he has a week of rest and insists on coming out to Oregon to visit you for a day. Sam and Vera are rightly hesitant about him coming to visit, but you do want to show Adam around. You decide to take him to a small café that you like to frequent when you want a break from school.

“So, how’s the new school year going?” he asks.

“It’s going well. I’m focusing more on research now, so it’s exciting,” you reply. “I’m focusing on homelessness in college student populations.”

“Oh, that’s…depressing,” Adam says. “But I’m glad you’re doing something that matters to you.”

“So am I,” you reply. “How are you feeling about the team this year? I know there’s been some big trades lately.”

“It’s weird, but I think we’ll hit our stride soon enough. We’re getting closer to a cup each year. And I really love the people I’m playing with, too. That always makes things better.”

“It really does. And I know you guys will get there soon enough.”

Adam smiles sadly. “I hope so. I don’t know how much more time I have, so I would like to get there before I retire.”

“You thinking of retiring soon?” you inquire.

He shrugs. “I’m not sure, but I know that it’s going to happen in the next few years more than likely. Like, I’m in my late twenties now, my body can’t hold out for much longer. And I don’t want to go out with a huge injury I’ll never recover from.”

“Makes sense,” you reply. “Any plans for what you want to do after?”

“I think going back to school would be nice. It might give me a better sense of direction.”

“That would be good. School has made a world of difference for me. It’s what helped me after our breakup.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, it gave me something to look forward, instead of moping about it all.”

“You were sad about it?” he asks, looking confused.

“I really was. I never wanted to break up with you, Adam. But I don’t think I was ready to move away from home and in with you. It just wasn’t good timing for either of us, I think.”

Adam smiles softly. “I always thought you got over it right away, considering how things ended.”

“No, it definitely wasn’t a happy time for me. Not that I’m making excuses, but we were both pretty young and just jumped into moving in together without thinking if it was a good idea or not.”

“Yeah, that’s true. I’m just…it feels good to be talking to you again, y/n. It was weird not having you around.”

“I tried to forget you for the longest time, you know? Pretend that it never happened. I think it was my way of trying to get over it and not take full credit of what I did.”

“Well, we’re both well past that, I feel like. It’s strange, though, seeing how much we’ve both changed,” Adam comments.

“It is,” you whisper. “But I’m glad for it.”

Casual conversation continues on for a few more hours before Adam says he should be heading out.

“I wasn’t sure where this was going to end up, so I booked a flight for later tonight. I didn’t want to stick around if things got weird,” he explains.

“I guess that makes sense. It was good seeing you again, though.”

He hugs you briefly, before he heads out to his rental car and drives off. You sigh and rub your face a bit. It was good, but it still feels odd seeing Adam again.

When you get back to your place, Vera and Sam are immediately asking you how it went.

“It wasn’t that exciting,” you mumble. “We just got caught up on basic life stuff.”

“How weird was it?” Vera asks.

“I mean, not too weird? Like, we were able to hold a steady conversation. It’s just weird how much we both changed the last five years. We both grew up a lot,” you explain.

“Do you think you’ll keep up this whole thing?” Sam asks, slightly concerned.

“I don’t see why not,” you reply, shrugging. “It’s not like I want to get back together with him. I honestly don’t know what he’s thinking about it all, but I don’t get that vibe from him either.”

“If he tries anything, our offer of beating him up still stands,” Vera says.

You snort. “I really appreciate the offer, but considering that there isn’t even a professional hockey team around here, I doubt that we’ll be seeing much of him.”

~ ~ ~

Things with Adam only get better from there. The two of you are close again, but it’s not the same. It never would be, and that was honestly fine with you. When it’s time for you to finally graduate with your Ph.D., he flies out to watch you receive your diploma, as the Jets didn’t make it to the playoffs this year.

You could tell your parents felt hesitant about having him around, but they made room for him after seeing that you’re genuinely okay with him around. Max was a bit wary, but he didn’t say anything, knowing how important Adam is to you.

After your graduation, you meet everyone outside of the stadium. Adam hangs off to the side, letting your parents get too many pictures of you and Max together. He doesn’t say much, until you come up to him.

“So, you’re headed to St. Louis, huh?” he asks.

“Yeah, I got lucky with an amazing position at St. Louis Community College. I couldn’t say no and Max said he would try to find something there as well,” you explain. “It’s a great city and turning down a teaching job wasn’t something I could say no to.”

“Well, it is pretty great,” Adam says smugly.

You snort. “Of course you think it’s great. But what are your plans for the summer now? You’re thirty-one, now.”

“Thank you for reminding me how old I am,” Adam replies grimly. “Besides, you’re thirty-one now, too, so don’t make it sound like I’m the ancient one here.”

This just makes you laugh. “Well, maybe we can hang out if you hang around St. Louis long enough.”

Adam smiles softly at that. “I would like that. But I should let you get back to your family. Looks like they want to take more pictures.”

You hug Adam tightly one last time before walking back to your family. Things are relaxed for the rest of the day and when you head back to your house with Sam and Vera, you’re ready to pass out. Knowing that the next couple of days are going to be busy with last minute packing means you want to get as much sleep as possible.

As you start packing up the next morning, Sam and Vera join you. The two of them had finished their programs last year, but worked around Eugene until you were moving out as well. They had insisted that they needed time to focus on what they wanted to do.

“God, this is so weird. I can’t believe we’re finally moving out of Oregon,” Sam whispers. “We better still be friends.”

“Please, we didn’t suffer through the last seven years of our life together for nothing,” you joke.

Vera laughs. “Well, if we can suffer through my many breakdowns, I think we’ll be fine.”

“I hate how true that is,” Sam comments.

The rest of the day passes calmly, until Max calls you and asks if you can come over for dinner, saying he has something important that he wants to tell you.

“Do you think he’s going to finally propose?” Vera asks. “It has been almost seven years.”

You shrug. “I’ll keep you guys updated.”

Once you get to Max’s place, he looks sadder than you expect. This makes you concerned, as you don’t know what could be bringing this on.

“I got an offer from Stanford for an associate professor position,” Max says immediately, once you’ve shut the door.

“Oh,” is all you can think to say.

“I just…I want it so bad. You know how hard it’s been for me trying to find something I want to do in St. Louis.”

You sit down on his couch, processing this all. “Yeah, I know. And…you should take it, Max. This is an amazing opportunity. Like, that’s an amazing school.”

“It’s just…I don’t want to make you quit your job in St. Louis before you’ve even started. And you know how much I hate long-distance relationships. So, I think it’s best if we broke up.”

“I…yes, of course. That makes sense,” you reply numbly.

“God, this is so shit to do, especially since we were about to sign a lease on a place. But I was thinking maybe Adam or his family could help? I know that’s where he grew up.”

“I could ask,” you whisper. “I think…I think I’m going to go, Max. I need time to process this.”

Max just nods. “Sorry for making you drive all the way over here for this.”

You smile and head back to your place. Sam and Vera are confused, but let you go right up to your room. The second you close the door, you start sobbing. Things with Max were great, they really were. You thought that getting married to him was a real possibility. But you get the whole long-distance thing. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you to try and reroute your careers if your heart wasn’t in it.

A couple of hours later, Sam and Vera come into your room, bringing junk food and wine. When you explain what had happened, they don’t say anything, but hug you tightly. They stay with you for the rest of the night, making sure you fall asleep at a reasonable time.

The next morning, you’re not feeling great, but not as horrible as you were expecting. At this point, you know that you have to rethink your plan. There’s a place that you and Max were going to move into at the beginning of July, but without him there, you won’t be able to afford it. As much as it pains you, you’re definitely going to have to ask Adam for help.

He picks up after a couple of rings to his phone. “What’s up?”

“So, you know how I’m moving to St. Louis for work, right?” you ask.

“Yeeees,” he replies, unsure.

“Well, um, Max just broke up with me last night and I can’t afford the apartment we were going to sign the lease on without him,” you explain. “So, I was wondering if you know any people in St. Louis who need roommates? I know that I can try and find somewhere on my own, but I wanted to check with you first.”

“I have a place there that you could stay in,” Adam suggests.

“Adam, I can’t take your place!”

“Look, I’m not there for most of the year and I only stay there during the summer when I’m not off training. As long as you don’t mind me being there a few months out of the year, then we’ll be fine.”

You frown a bit, thinking it over. “I promise I’ll find somewhere as fast as possible.”

“Take your time,” Adam says insistently. “I know it’s going to take you a while to settle in to your new job and there’s no point in stressing about finding a new place at the same time.”

“Fuck,” you whisper. “You know me too well.”

“We have known each other for over a decade now,” Adam jokes.

“God, why is that the thing that makes me feel old?”

“It is weird to say out loud, huh?”

“I haven’t even thought about it, to be honest,” you reply. “But I think I’ll take you up on that offer. I hate to put you out, but it already took Max and I ages to find a place we could afford. Being a professor isn’t a lavish lifestyle, unfortunately.”

“You know I have your back, no matter what.”

“And I appreciate you for that. I’ll let you get back to sleep, though. Sorry that I woke you.”

“It’s no problem. Just send me the details of when you’ll be moving over to me some time today.”

“Sounds good. Talk to you soon, Adam,” you say.

After you hang up, you walk down to the kitchen, where Sam and Vera are already making breakfast. They both look at you, curious, but you ignore the look for now. The thought of trying to explain that you’re moving into Adam’s house in St. Louis is too weird of a thought for this early in the morning. It isn’t until you start packing again that Sam brings it up.

“So, who was that you were talking to this morning?” she asks.

“I was talking with Adam,” you say. “I just…with Max breaking up with me, I needed to figure out somewhere to live, you know? And since he’s from there, I figured he could help.”

“What’s he helping with, then?” Sam asks.

“He’s offering for me to stay in his place there,” you explain. “It might be dumb to essentially move in with him again, but there’s no way that I would be able to find something in only a couple of weeks.”

Sam frowns a bit. “I hate that this is your only option. I know it’s been over seven years since the two of you broke up, but it just feels so weird.”

You shrug. “It does, but I know things will be better now. We’ve managed to be friends for the last few years, so I think we’ll be okay.”

“I hope so,” she whispers. “God, the last couple of days have been dramatic as fuck. Does this happen every time you move somewhere?”

“Thankfully, no. But whenever it involves a boyfriend, it seems to be overdramatic,” you joke.

“Well, I think we’ll all be okay.”

~ ~ ~

As you make the move from Eugene to St. Louis, you take your time driving there. You make several stops along the way and try to process everything that’s been happening. It’s wild that you’ve gotten a teaching job right out of university, because you know how hard it can be. Granted, it is at a community college, but you think it’ll help when you try to move on to teaching at a university.

And it’s weird that fate has brought you and Adam back together. Even when you first started talking to him again, you never imagined being in a place where the both of you felt so comfortable together again. Now that the both of you are in different places in your lives, you’re interested to see what happens.

When you get there, you see Adam’s car pulled up into the driveway. As you pull up, he opens the door and walks out to greet you. He looks older and more settled into himself. Aging has treated him very well.

“Hey, Adam,” you greet tiredly.

He hugs you as he says, “It’s good to see you again. I think your thirties are treating you well.”

“Please, like it’s been treating you any differently. Besides, it’s only been a month since you’ve seen me last.”

He just shrugs. “Feels less weird saying it since you don’t have a boyfriend anymore. Not that I’m like…happy that the two of you broke up.”

“I know what you mean,” you reply. “I guess it’s time to move everything in, huh?”

“Shouldn’t be too bad. It’s less stuff than last time we moved in together.”

“I’ve gotten better at the impulse purchases. Being a broke grad school student is no joke.”

“Well, that’s good to hear. How about we just move everything into the place for today and unpack tomorrow?”

“You don’t have to help me unpack everything.”

“I know. I just like to help.”

You smile. “Might as well get started then.”

Things are easy for the next couple of days. It doesn’t feel as weird as you were expecting it to be. Adam gives you more than enough space to do your own thing, but you’re still very aware of his presence. A few days after you move in, his mom insists on meeting up with you for lunch at a local diner.

“It’s so good to see you again,” she says. “I never thought I would see you again after the two of you broke up.”

“Yeah, this is definitely weird. But I’m just really grateful right now.”

“Adam is excited to have you back in his life, you know. I think he’s missed you more than he’s willing to admit to himself.”

“I mean, I missed him a lot as well. It was weird not talking to him after the breakup, but it served us both well.”

“That’s good,” she replies. “Now, tell me more about what you were doing over in Oregon. I love my son, but he doesn’t always do the best at remembering.”

The rest of lunch is just playing catch up with each other. It’s good seeing her again, and it’s even better knowing that you’ll have someone here to support you. Without Max being there to support you, you were really unsure of being in St. Louis essentially by yourself. Knowing that Adam’s family seems to be accepting you into their life is helping you cope a lot.

It isn’t until a week later that you go into the community college to meet your fellow staff. Everyone is super welcoming and you’re excited for the year to start. There’s no surprise when you see that you’ll be teaching two sections of introductory anthropology as your only courses. Being a new professor usually means getting the grunt work for a while, which is fine by you.

~ ~ ~

Settling into the new year has been easier than you were expecting. Having the whole house to yourself was weird, but it’s making your life so much easier. As much as you loved living with Sam and Vera, it’s easier to focus on doing class prep without anyone around. You do wish that Adam was around more, but you can only wish for so much.

The first time Adam comes back after leaving during August is during his bye-week in December. He says that he feels too old to be going off to party in Cabo or wherever the younger guys are going this year.

While the time he’s here isn’t necessarily awkward, it feels like the two of you are flying off to some new uncharted territory. The two of you have plenty of late nights together, talking about the smallest of things that have changed over the years. You’ve gained more independence and confidence in yourself and Adam has learned to be a bit more empathetic.

When he leaves, something has changed in your dynamic with him. While you won’t say that you’re falling in love with him, you feel like you could be hurtling in that direction. Living in his place isn’t necessarily helping either.

By the time January rolls around, you’re more prepared to spending a full week with Adam. Things are similar to last time and everything comes to a close halfway through his time back in St. Louis. You’re both a little more drunk than either of you were expecting, which probably helps in the long run.

“I’m so happy that you’re back in my life,” Adam whispers. “I didn’t realize how much I missed you until we started talking again.”

“I’m glad things are back to normal again,” you reply.

“If things were normal, we would be dating again.”

This hangs in the air for a brief moment.

“Well…I suppose we can make things truly back to normal. I wouldn’t be opposed to that,” you comment.

“Are you saying…that you wouldn’t mind dating again?” Adam asks, hesitantly.

“No, I really wouldn’t. It’s been nice being close to you again.”

Epilogue

A few years later, you finally got a professor job at the University of Missouri in St. Louis. You’re overjoyed that you’ve found a great job in the city. Adam has decided to retire and move back in full time with you. He’s still unsure of what to do, but you’re slowly convincing him that going back to school would be a good idea.

“Look, you can try out a couple of classes and see how it goes,” you suggest.

“Are you just saying that so I can take one of your intro classes?” he asks.

You laugh. “Maybe. I’m just saying that maybe classes could give you a new type of happiness outside of hockey.”

He smiles and kisses you lightly. “I think what would make me happier is if you married me.”

“What?” you ask flatly. “Are you serious?”

He shrugs. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I mean, I feel like it’s the right time for us.”

“I thought you hated wedding ceremonies.”

“When did I say that?”

“At Julia and Brandon’s wedding, when we started talking again.”

“How do you even remember that?” he asks, genuinely confused.

“I remembered it so I could make fun of you one day.”

Adam snorts. “I can’t believe I want to marry you.”

You smile smugly. “Oh please, like you would have it any other way.”

[satansluthouse]

You were my mission (Pt 2) Bucky Barnes x Reader

Hey! Heres part two to the story. I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it! I’m very proud of this part and I can’t wait to write the next part!!

Read Part 1 Here 

Word Count: 4351

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (over 18 ofc)

Warnings: Language, there’s probably more but I’m blanking right now so put them in the tags if you find anything possibly triggering!

You awoke to the sound of a cryptically loud alarm going off throughout the compound. A simultaneous groan could be heard from every room that had someone in it. Tony had wired it so that the alarm wouldn’t shut off in your room unless you specifically asked FRIDAY to do so. Laying, pushing the soft pillow beneath your head against your ears to try and muffle the sound you let out a groan.

“Friday, will you please turn the alarm off?” You yelled into the air.

“Sure thing Ms. Y/L/N.” Friday chirped in her usual tone.

“Thank you.” 

“No problem!” 

You had never gotten entirely used to the idea of talking and giving commands to an AI seemingly living in the walls, but you had to admit that is was helpful. Kind of like an Alexa but smarter. 

Wanting to lay in your bed for just a few more minutes despite having a mission to prepare for, you opened your eyes when you heard your door swing open and in walked Natasha. She sat next to you on the bed, her red hair a mess and began to shake you lightly.

“Y/N come on you gotta get up.” She said, sleep evident in her voice.

“I don’t wanna.” You groaned.

“I know, me neither. Don’t really feel like getting kicked in the ribs but I have you to protect me.” 

“Oh, so what am I now? Your human shield?” You say to her, propping yourself up on your elbows.

“No, more like badass protector because after all, you are more qualified than me somehow? I think there was a glitch when your file was being printed.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me but I just don’t see how that’s possible? You’ve been doing this a lot longer than I have and trained longer than I was for that matter. Just seems janky if you ask me.” You said, sitting up completely and scooting next to Natasha, resting your head on her shoulder.

Laughing, Natasha agreed. “Yeah, super freakin janky...anyways, babe, we gotta get ready and head out to the jet so get your ass up and don’t take forever? I want you to braid my hair.”  

“Okay, okay I’m getting up but no promises that I’ll be the first one out, you know I have to take my morning walk on the beach, darling.” You responded sarcastically, putting extra stress on the pet name earning an eye roll from her.

“God you will be the death of me Y/N, now get dressed! And brush your teeth.” She said before walking out of your room and shutting the door behind her. 

You and Natasha have been the topic of many discussions due to your use of pet names when speaking to each other. Sam was convinced for a solid month that you two were a couple only to be let down hard after he pulled you aside and announced that he was very happy that you were being yourselves. Apparently, the other guys had a bet on how long he would believe you two were in an actual relationship and Steve won.

Standing up, you walked over to your bathroom and stripped your self of your clothing before stepping into the shower and turning it on, the water cold for a few seconds before it warmed up to a reasonable temperature. You didn’t spend much time in the shower before getting out, drying off, brushing your teeth as Natasha said, and finding your uniform. It was simple, black, with gold here and there, and kind of tight but it wasn’t anything that bothered you. You put it on, finding your belt that holds your weapons, thigh holster, and putting on your boots, lacing them up tightly. You walked out of your room, shutting the door you began to walk down the dimly lit hallway. You weren’t necessarily prepared for this mission mentally. You were exhausted, constantly carrying around the weight of guilt and keeping on a happy face so no one would worry about you. You knew you were here for good, to redeem yourself even but you could never seem to forgive yourself for the damage you caused in the past.

Lost in your thoughts you walk slowly tracing your finger against the wall, feeling all of its bumps and ridges. You barely noticed when Bucky walked out of his room but you soon stopped in your tracks as you watched him. He had his back turned to lock his door with a key he had and to be honest, you didn’t know just why he was so keen on keeping his door locked but that just made you even more interested in him and his motives for his actions. Sticking the key in his pocket, he turned around and immediately locked eyes with you. He smiled at you causing your stomach to do backflips and your heart to nearly stop. He was the most beautiful person you’d ever seen, from his soft brown hair, to the way his eyes sparkled no matter what, to his scars, his metal arm that he tried so hard to keep hidden. You thought it was all beautiful. You noticed all of this when he was nothing but a mere mission but you pushed all of those thoughts aside for the longest time. Of course, it would take a conversation about gardening to make all of those feelings and thoughts about him come back and suddenly you didn’t know how to act around him let alone think.

“Mornin’ Doll.” Bucky said, his voice and use of Doll making you blush.

“Goodmorning Bucky! How’d you sleep?” 

“I didn’t really, but how about you? How’d you sleep?” He asked as the two of you began walking down the hallway, footsteps in sync.

“I slept okay, I wish I could have slept longer but duty calls.” You replied, “So why didn’t you sleep?”

“Um, Nightmares mostly... but you wouldn’t believe just how interesting that book was last night.” 

“Oh trust me I know, it is one of my finest reads.” You exclaim to him, both of you laughing. “But the nightmares, do you have them every night?” You ask him, looking into his eyes.

“Pretty much, yes. I can’t remember the last time I slept without having one actually.” He says, his voice growing quieter and the line you often saw appearing between his eyebrows when he had a troubling thought.

“I finally stopped having so many. I barely slept for years but now that I’ve stopped having so many, I would sleep forever if I could.” 

“You have nightmares?”

“Yeah, well, used to. They come and go occasionally but I started doing this really intense therapy program Tony invented crossed with just seeing a regular therapist and picking up new hobbies and they started to just kind of fade away.” You paused,

 “I could see if you can do the program Tony made? I know you guys aren’t on amazing terms but I’m sure I could talk him into it, both he and I know too well how bad things can get in your head.”

Bucky looked at you and smiled that damned smile again.

“Yeah that’d be great, thank you Y/N.” He said as you entered the main living area through the kitchen where all of the others were already settled eating something.

“It’s no problem!” You chirped before joining Natasha and Wanda at the table where food was laid out. You picked up a piece of bacon and took a bite.

“Glad to see you’re not dead!” Natasha said sarcastically. You playfully nudged her shoulder before responding.

“Yes, clearly I’m alive and thriving.” You say, gesturing to your eyebags. 

“Are you two ready for the mission?” Wanda asked giggling.

“Not as much as I’d like but you know I’ll kick ass nevertheless.” You said smiling.

“We’ll kick ass.” Natasha corrects with a nod of her head.

“Ah yes, the inseparable duo that is you and me.” You state, throwing your arms around her. Natasha places her hands on top of yours squeezing them as Tony enters the room asking for everyone’s attention.

“So today is mission day as you all know and I would like to go over one last time the general layout of where you will all be and what we’re up against.” Tony announced, bringing up the map of the general area that you saw last night. “The main threats are these people who call themselves ‘The Masters Of Evil’, pretty cliche if you ask me, anyway, there’s Justine Hammer who refers to herself as Crimson Cowl, Tanya Sealy, Cap you know her she calls herself Black Mamba, then there’s Zemo another friendly face I’m sure with a few HYDRA agents to back him up, and some man that calls himself ‘Machinesmith’ which seem’s like a total rip of of Iron Man by the way. Y/N and Bruce got the main information about them and what they’re about, some of you, of course, have already gone toe to toe with them though. Y/N , Bruce...wherever he is, go over things again, will you? Just as a refresher course before we kick some ass.” 

You stood up and walked over to where Tony had previously been standing, Bruce nowhere to be seen. You pulled up each portfolio you had made on the enemies as you’re still tasked to do the homework on the people you fight, except this time you don’t feel as guilty. Pulling up Justine’s portfolio, you begin to speak.

“So this is Justine Hammer, who most commonly refers to herself as Crimson Cowl and is the assumed leader of the Masters Of Evil. Her motives for consistently attempting to attack Mr.Stark these past few months seem to be that Tony mentioned that her father, frozen and floating around in space would quote-unquote ‘live forever’, she wasn’t happy needless to say. We also have reason to suspect that she is targeting Tony due to the fact that he openly works and operates with Natasha, Clint, and James, enemies since Budapest. Justine’s strengths and abilities include flight, teleportation, and shapeshifting available due to her cloak. She’s highly trained in unarmed combat, she’s a supposed master negotiator and sadistically shrewd business-woman. So the game plan is to take the cloak if you can. Go to whatever lengths you can to get it off of her to get her vulnerable.” You say and turn to Clint, Signing to him asking him if he got all of the information. 

“Yeah, I have my hearing aids in.” He responded, turning his head and showing his ear.

“Okay, I was just making sure. Does anybody need me to go over anything else regarding Justine or can we move on?” You ask, eyes scanning the room.

“So once her cloak comes off, she’s done for?” Sam asked.

“Pretty much, as long as you know for sure you can take her.” You responded. “Okay anyone else?” You waited and nothing.

“Okay moving onto Tanya Sealy, also known as Black Mamba, I couldn’t find much on her but I did find out that she has limited telepathic abilities due to a cranial implant given to her by Roxxon Energy Corp. The full extent of her powers is unknown so whoever takes her on will be walking in blind so watch out for her. Cap, I know you’ve been affiliated with her before do you have any information regarding her powers? I meant to ask last night.” 

“No, I never took her on one on one but she’s up there so we definitely need to keep an eye on her.”  Steve responded.

“Okay great.”

 You slide through her portfolio and onto Zemos. “Now we all know who Zemo is and what he’s capable of, correct?” I asked, a murmur of agreement soon following. Your eyes travel over to where Bucky is sat, a stern look on his face as you can see his fists clench.

“He will most likely have HYDRA agents with him as Tony said so if needed I’m going to need immediate backup on Barnes in case they’re after him by any means necessary. We don’t win this fight unless we all win together. Now for our last guy, we have Machinesmith. Machinesmith like Justine, can shapeshift so stay close and stay personal with whoever you’re with before anything gets out of hand. I would recommend a code word or a signal that only you and that person know so if there is no response on anyone’s end, you’ll know it’s Justine or Machinesmith. And that’s all I have. Does anyone have any questions?” Silence again. 

“Okay great, if anyone needs any of this information, I have it uploading and sending it to each of your communicators so study it if need be.” You finish before walking back over to the table where Natasha and Wanda sat while Tony took back over. This was going to be a long day.

The refresher course had finished and everyone seemed slightly more prepared than before. This was a mission where you truly didn’t know what was in store as the whole group is made up of mortals in suits with guns or super soldiers. It was time to load onto the Quinjets, Tony, Bruce, Clint, Rhodey, and Vision loading up into one and You, Wanda, Natasha, Bucky, Sam, and Steve loading into the other, Natasha taking the pilot seat.

The mission was in Lagos where Justine and her group were confirmed to be hiding out by Maria Hill so that’s where you were headed.

“Hey, do you still want me to braid your hair, Nat?”  You asked standing beside the woman flying the jet.

“Yes please.” She said sweetly, smiling up at you. You stood behind her and began to mess with her hair, combing through the tangles of her soft hair with your fingers before carefully putting it into a neat french braid. When you were finished you tied it off with an elastic you had on your wrist and patted the top of her head. 

“All done!” 

“Thank you hon! You’re the sweetest.” She said, feeling her hair.

“It’s no problem.” You responded before walking and taking an empty seat next to Bucky.

“You okay?” You ask him, your shoulder brushing against his metal one.

“Of course doll.” He says, his brows knit together.

“I know things are going to be hard with HYDRA and everything but if you need to talk about it you can talk to me.” 

“I just-” He started, “I’m afraid what Shuri did didn’t work and that all of that stuff is still in my head and what if they try and use the words against me? I don’t want to hurt any of you and I can’t control what those words do to me.” 

You looked at him, tears evident in his eyes, you slipped your hand into his metal one, lacing your fingers with his. He looked at you just as a tear slipped out of one of his eyes which were home to so much fear but comfort in an odd way. 

“I won’t let them get to you.” You said, wiping the tear rolling down his cheek with your free hand. “I promise.” Smiling at him, his blue eyes soften and he closes them as your hand lay still cupping his face. For all he knew, this was just some friendly gesture but to you, this was expressing your feelings for him in one of the only ways you knew how without directly speaking them into existence.

“You know, people are usually scared of my arm.” He said, a light laugh escaping his lips.

“Really? I think it’s really cool! I love it.” You told him, smiling up at him before examining his arm some more. His eyes stayed on you as you felt up and down on all of the grooves of his arm. He had never met anyone that was so interested in what most people were scared of. It was his weapon. It was the first-way HYDRA had left a definitive mark on him. Although the arm configured by HYDRA was long gone, he still couldn’t help but feel like a monster when he had his on.

“So can you feel things with it? Is that even possible?” 

“Not necessarily. I can’t touch something and feel it but phantom pains pop up from time to time.” 

“Phantom pains?” You questioned.

“Pain in my arm even though my arm isn’t there anymore. It’s weird and there’s no way to prevent them because it’s all a mental thing.” He explained.

“That’s so weird...I can’t even begin to think about what it would be like losing one of my limbs but can you imagine? We’d be like bionic badass’s on the battlefield and in real life.” You had never heard Bucky truly laugh until that moment. Every other time always did make your heart flutter but this time you could tell it was true, you could tell it was genuine, and it wasn’t soft. It was a pure laugh from James Buchanan Barnes. You smiled and laughed with him.

“I must say doll, you would look great with a bionic leg.” 

“Oh really? Which leg? I was thinking my right one would be a nice look.” You told him, sticking out your right leg to examine it. Bucky squeezed your hand tighter, making you blush. 

“That’s what I was thinking.” He said.

“Great minds think alike, Sargent Barnes.” You exclaim to him.

“If you two lovebirds could stop flirting in public space, that would be great!” Natasha called out from the front of the jet, causing you and Bucky to blush like crazy.

“Nat, how about you pay attention to the sky instead of our conversations you creep.”

“Well, that’s no fun.” 

“Well, that’s too bad. Now be quiet!” You tell her before she playfully flips you the bird making you roll your eyes. You turn back to Bucky and smile. 

“You know how I said something about code words? In the case of shapeshifting?” You asked him, receiving a head nod in return. “Okay, so what if our code word was Bionic leg? It could even work for the whole team.”  Bucky chuckled and began to respond.

“Yeah that would work.”

“Yay!” You said, “So bionic leg it is. Hey Nat? Wanda? Steve?” 

“Yeah, babe what's up?” You heard Nat say,

“Yeah?” Wanda, Sam, and Steve said in unison.

“For the code word we’re gonna use ‘Bionic Leg’ is that okay?” You asked them, agreement coursing through the jet.

“Shouldn’t we have a response of some sort? You know, for confirmation?” Wanda asked.

“Oh yeah! How about ‘It feels fine, thank you very much.’ “ You said, looking around for confirmation, hearing Nat snort and mock you.

“Natasha, shut up! This is for our safety, now let the other guys know please.” You told her.

“Aye Aye Y/N.”

You rolled your eyes once again and tilted your head, resting it on Bucky’s shoulder. You were exhausted and had no idea how much longer you’d be stuck in the air so resisting the urge to close your eyes was useless. You had been hoping for so long to become closer with Bucky and you feel like it’s finally happening, but it was all happening so fast. Your feelings were out of your control and quite frankly, there was no where else in the world you’d rather be than right there next to him. You quickly dozed off into a deep sleep for the first time in what felt like a million years, the amount of comfort you felt was unreal. Bucky looked at you as you were passed out and couldn’t help but smile. He looked up and he met eyes with Steve. 

“I can’t believe you still haven’t told her.” Steve said in a hushed tone.

“Well, I’ve never exactly gotten the chance.” Bucky exchanged back in a whisper, careful not to wake you up.

“How about last night when you were up sharing gardening secrets with each other?” Natasha retorted, earning a snort from Wanda.

“Gardening Secrets? Really dude?” Sam responded, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Shut up.” Bucky replied to Sam.

“Either need to tell her or else I’m gonna make a move on her, I’m sure she’d love the excellency that is the Falcon.” 

“Ha! You wish. You literally thought she was a lesbian a few months ago or did we all collectively agree to forget that?” Wanda added to the conversation.

“Well it is my motto to never pass up the opportunity for a hot date-” Sam began to speak before Steve cut him off, 

“She has called you Big Bird on multiple occasions, Sam.”

“And lucky for her, pet names are my thing.” 

Bucky glared at him. “I’m going to talk to her! I just need time. And plus there’s no definitive chance she’ll feel the same way.” 

“There’s no way in hell that girl who has her head on your shoulder, sleeping while holding your hand might I add, does not feel the same way!” Natasha insisted from the front of the jet. 

Bucky sighed and looked at you. Ever since you showed up in his life, you’re all he could think about. He didn’t want to infatuate with your recovery or life by attempting to pursue a relationship with you, but deep down that’s all he wanted. He would always try and find ways to talk to you without stumbling over his words, his brain suddenly going blank every time he tried to speak with you, half of each interaction ending with him calling you ‘Doll’. He was taken aback by the sheer amount of conversation you two had partaken in over the past 24-hours and his head was a mess. Everytime you looked at him, he felt things he had never felt before. Sure, in the 40’s, he would go on countless dates with countless girls, but now he can’t remember any of their faces and when he tries, he only sees you.

“Can we have this conversation at a different time and place?” Bucky insinuated.

“You have three days Barnes.” Sam declared, “Three days to tell her and if you don’t? That’s where I come in.”

“Whatever, big bird.” Bucky sneered, Sam glaring at him.

Rolling her eyes at the conversation, Natsha spoke up. “Hey you guys we’re here to fight bad guys, not eachother so shut up maybe?” 

About an hour or so had passed and you were still asleep, except you had moved from leaning your head on Bucky’s shoulder, to laying your head in his lap. His fingers mindlessly played with your hair, Bucky lost in his thoughts. Your eyes slowly peeled open and the sight above you made you smile. Bucky had his eyes closed, his head leaning back onto the wall of the jet. He was so beautiful and he didn’t even know it. You pushed yourself up into a sitting position and yawned.

“We’re almost there I think.” Bucky announced to you, a small smile on his face.

“Okay.” You sighed. “How long was I out?” 

“A little over an hour give or take. How do you feel?” He questioned, his hands no longer occupied in your hair but resting on his lap.

You exhaled heavily through your nose. “I feel better than before, I could still sleep though.”

“Y/N? Are you awake?” Natasha asked, turning her head to look at you.

Standing up and stretching, you walk towards Natasha and stop yourself on her left side. “No, I’m just really good at sleepwalking. What’s up?” 

“We’re about to land, can you and Wanda make sure the supplies are together?”

“Yeah of course!” 

Smiling Natasha continued, “Thank you, dear! Boys can you come up here for a minute?

You walk to the back of the jet and join Wanda in going through the checklist of supplies which range from food and water, to changes of clothes if need be, to ammunition.

“So, you and Bucky hm?” Wanda teased in a hushed tone, nudging your arm with her own.

“What about me and Bucky?” 

Going through, checking the ammunition Wanda went on. “You two seem to have gotten pretty close.” 

“Really? We just started really talking last night.” You recounted, “Dunno why we had never really talked before but he’s so nice to talk to.” Looking back at him, you see him being stared down by Sam who had always seemed to have a problem with him claiming he ‘stole his steering wheel out of his car’. Although Nat and Steve corroborated that claim, you found it silly.

“Nat everything’s here!” Wanda called out.

Turning away from the conversation up front, she responded. “Thank you guys!”

Putting everything back in its place, you begin to load your belt up with weapons and ammunition, placing a large knife in your thigh holster. Sometimes you envied Wanda deeply as most of her battles were fought through her powers and not hand to hand combat. You would love to experience powers like hers for a day. The jet began to shake lightly as it neared the ground, the other Quinjet already visible on the ground below.  You walk over to Bucky and he smiles upon looking at you. 

“You ready doll?” He asks, securing his ammo in his belt. 

Adjusting your thigh holster to assure it won’t fall off you respond giddily. “Ready as I’ll ever be. How about you Sargent?” 

He shrugs. “Feel like I may have fought worse.” The jet hits the ground just as he finishes his sentence.

Chuckling, you nod your head in agreement and begin to answer but you were cut off by a voice in your earpiece.

“Uh guys are you there?” You all simultaneously hear Tony’s voice.

“Yes we’re here Tony, is everything all right?” Steve asked, his finger up to his ear.

“Yeah we kind of have a problem. Be ready when you step out, the fights already here.”

Part 3 is coming really soon!! Feedback is welcomed 100%

[bellatrixobsessed1]

Mutilated Mannequin (Part 2)

So I ultimately decided to drop Swift As Karma for a few reasons. Mostly I just wasn’t having fun with it anymore and it was beginning to feel more like a chore than something I do for fun. But On the plus side, I’m really excited for this one, I really liked how chapter one went. 

Summary: Azula is pressured into getting plastic surgery. She goes in for the procedure only to have it botched.

Since it has been exactly a month; here’s the first part; https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13401922/1/Mutilated-Mannequin

Azula taps her pencil on the edge of the table. Her eyes move to the clock more than the  move to the notes written on the board. She finds it increasingly hard to concentrate as the day wears on. She is already beginning to regret her impulse decision to tell Ozai that she was ready for surgery. 

She is, in fact very much not ready. 

Not ready at all. 

She actually rather dreads it, but her father has already booked the appointment and she knows that once a decision is made, he allows no room to back out of it. She grips her pencil and chews on her lip. 

The very action in itself instills dread. Soon she wouldn’t be able to chew on her lip; for one thing it won’t truly be her lip. For another, she’d risk  damaging the plastic. Is that how it works? She isn’t sure. She doesn’t know anything at all about the procedure and the aftercare. 

She rubs her hands over her face and berates herself for getting herself into this without having done her research first. 

“Azula!” 

She snaps into attention. 

“I’ve never known you to not pay attention in class.” Long Feng says. 

“I am paying attention.” She lies.

“Then perhaps you would like to explain to us, the significance of Sozin’s Comet.” 

She almost tells him that there isn’t any at all. That astronomy lessons are rather insignificant in comparison to the matters more pressing in her life. “It only comes by once every one hundred years and scientists think that it is the key to discovering life on other planets.”  She rolls her eyes, the man could have at least asked a harder question to catch her in the act of slacking. But she doesn’t intend on reminding him that her great grandfather was the esteemed astronomer who had proposed most of the theories and research projects surrounding it. 

“Right, yes.” Long Feng mumbles, “that’s correct.” 

The bell rings and Azula  makes a hasty retreat to the door. As much as she wants to leave Long Feng’s classroom, she wants to prolong the school day. Track tryouts didn’t start until late winter, maybe she will tag along with TyLee to her fashion design club or loiter around with Mai and her cluster of goth and scene kids. 

She writes both options off, her father would kick her ass if he had to come pick her up and kick it twice over if they were late for her first appointment. 

Azula finds her usual lunch table and sets her tray down. It would seem that Yue and Jet would be joining them today. Azula resists the urge to find a nice and isolated spot in the corner of the cafeteria; Yue never particularly bothered her--mostly she bothered Katara, something something about a swim team rivalry that has been going on since they were on the toddlers’ team. But her company always meant gossip and drama. And Jet. He gossips almost more. 

“I hear that Sokka’s upping his campaign game.” Jet starts them off.

“Wonderful.” Azula mumbles.

“You gonna be making any posters? Sokka is making posters.” 

“Let him.” Azula waves her hand dismissively. She isn’t in the mood to think about the class elections at the moment. Perhaps after her appointment. But right now, her mind is too far off to come up with any campaign strategies of her own. 

“Maybe you can have TyLee offer panty pics…” 

Yue thumps him on the back of the head. “Maybe we can pass out pics of you in your thong.”

“You two would be awful class presidents. If the two of you were running, I’d vote for the podium.” 

Chan spits out his drink and laughs. 

“Scoot over?” TyLee asks and Azula slides some to the left and pats the spot next to her. The girl plops down and invites Mai to do the same. 

“You’ll never guess who invited me to homecoming!” TyLee declares.  

“The entire school?” Mai askes

She has said it in jest but Azula is fairly certain that it is almost nearly true. 

“No, it was Sokka.”

Azula wrinkled her nose. “Really?”

TyLee nods. 

“Tell him that you’ll go with him if he resigns from the election campaign.”

“You have a date yet Mai?” Jet asks. “I was thinking of asking Katara?” 

“I’m taking Kei Lo.” She replies. 

“The new boy?” Azula asks. She should have known that Mai and Zuko were in the off stage of their relationship again. He has been particularly moody as of late. 

“Yeah, the new boy.” She shrugs. “He’s into some of the same books I like and he can play the violin. He says that he can play the organ too, but I think that he’s just trying to impress me...or something.” 

“What about you, Azula? Who asked you to homecoming?” 

“No one, yet.” And there it is, her reminder that she is making the right choice. Still, that doesn’t alleviate the nervousness that saps away her appetite and leaves her picking at her food. 

“Maybe Chan can take you.” Yue elbows him. 

“Ew no way!” Chan says quickly, leaving Azula with a mental sense of whiplash. “She’s practically my sister. How long have we known each other now?”

Azula, still recovering sputters, “I don’t know since we started walking.” They have been neighbors for as long as she can remember, she supposes that she understands his aversion to taking her to the dance. They’d seen each other wandering around in only diapers, she has a vivid memory of watching him make a mud pie and shoving it in his mouth, and she is fairly certain that she has witnessed him eating a roly poly or two.

She can imagine that he has some equally blush inducing memories to share about her. They have made an unspoken agreement not to speak of those. 

“Anyways, I was actually hoping that you would go with me, TyLee.”

Azula rolls her eyes because, of course he was. 

TyLee thinks for a moment. “Sure, I’ll give you a shot!” 

“Sokka’s going to be devastated.” Mai commented dryly.

Yue gives a devious smirk. “You can take him, Azula.”

“I’d take Chan before I take Sokka.” She hopes that, that is the end of the conversation. She knows that it is going to go just like last year and every middle grade dance; her in her room studying for whatever exam was coming up. She supposes that she can spend the night with Zuzu this time around. Perhaps go to the park and sit on the swings talking about mundane things as they used to. 

“I’m so excited, I already picked out my dress!” TyLee declares. 

Azula groans to herself and looks at the clock. Only forty-five minutes left of this. 

The bell rings and Azula waits for her table to clear before speaking up, “hey TyLee, can I talk to you for a moment?”

“Sure.” TyLee beams, as gleeful and chipper as ever. “I’ll see you in math, Mai.”

Mai nods and takes her tray to the designated turn in point. Azula stands and TyLee follows with her. “Are you doing anything after school?”

TyLee ponders the question. “I have gymnastics tryouts.” She pauses, “are you going to come?”

“I can’t this time.” Azula replies. “I have somewhere to be and I was hoping that you could come along.”

“Oh.” TyLee’s mood seems to drop. 

“I would go with you but father expects me to attend matters with him.” Azula replies. “Good luck with tryouts. I’ll talk to you…” she looks at her schedule, just to make sure that she has it right. “I’ll talk to you in Literature tomorrow.” 

TyLee nods. “Good luck with your dad, I know that he’s kind of a jerk sometimes.”

“No kidding.” 

.oOo. 

Azula’s belly flutters like crazy as she waits for them to call her in. She reminds herself that it is only a consultation appointment. Ozai sits stiffly next to her and offers her just about as little support as she had expected. He flips uncaringly through a political magazine. For herself, Azula simply stares at her palms and taps her foot upon the bleached white tiles. 

The place smells of ammonia and other chemicals. It smells like a hospital and that does nothing to calm her nerves. She wishes that they would just call her in and get it over with. 

She wishes that TyLee or Mai had come along. At least that would make the waiting easier. Instead she pretends to look at her phone until they finally call out, “Dr. Park Guhira will see…” the sound of a page flipping, “Azula.”  

She had been expecting to be seated like a patient in a doctor's office. Instead, she sits upon a rather plush chair across from a doctor who sits behind a computer. He rolls his chair out. “So have you put some thought into your new look?”

Azula shakes her head. “Not really, I just know how I don’t want to look.” She will leave that to him. To a professional. 

The man nods. 

“I have.” Ozai cuts in.

“Alright, we’ll have a look at your father’s plans, pull them up on the screen, and you can tells us if everything looks good.” 

Azula nods in agreement and the man pulls up a picture of her. 

“I have a few procedures in mind for her...”

Doctor Ghuira coughs, “excuse me, and I apologize if this is out of line.” He pauses. “But does your daughter want to go through with this?”

“She approached me with the request.” Ozai answers flatly. 

“Have you talked about the procedures you have in mind because it sounds like…”

“We’ve discussed it plenty. She’s just nervous to see it set in motion.” He fixes her with a stare that most would mark as firm and reassuring. She knows that it is a warning. 

“He has tried to tell me about his plans. I said that I’d decide when I see it on the computer screen.”

“Very well then.” The doctor says.

“The first thing I’d like done with her is a buccal fat removal followed by a cheek augmentation. She’s fifteen, she shouldn’t have so much baby fat still…”

Azula shrinks back into her chair and lets him carry on about how much he hates that she inherited grandmother Rina’s baby face. She watches the doctor click around and adjust the picture to display how she’d look after the procedure. She can’t disagree that it looks better. 

“I also think that she would benefit from a rhinoplasty and a mentoplasty. Everyone in the family has more prominent, sharp features.”

Dr. Guhira stands before her, “may I?” 

It is such a vague question but her discomfort prevents her from asking for clarification so she simply gives what she hopes is a stoic, “go ahead.”

By the chin, he gently tilts her head up with the back of his hand and then observes it from a few angles. “Yes, yes, I can see the benefit in those procedures…” He trails off in a mumble as he seats himself again. He clicks around and turns the screen. “How does this look?”

Azula thinks that it looks uncanny. She doesn’t recognize the image anymore, she supposes that that is the point. The person in the digital rendering has a much more angular face. Narrower cheeks with more accentation. A pointed chin and, though subtler, a pointed nose. 

“It’s perfect. Though I think that her lips could use some fullness.” 

And another series of clicks, the sound of a mouse dragging on a mousepad. “And now?” He asks. 

“Perfect.” 

Dr. Guhira looks to Azula. 

“Yes, that should do just fine.” She agrees but the icy, sickly feeling is growing in intensity. 

“Well then Mr. Kasai, and daughter, it will be a pleasure working with you.” He holds out his hand. “I’ll have all of this logged into the computer, you’ll fill out a few forms, sign them, and select an appointment date.” 

Ozai shakes his hand. Azula follows in suit. The doctor sets a stack of papers before them. 

Her hand shakes as she signs the consent forms.

[emilytutty-blog]

‘Social’ Media

When we pick up our phones, more often that not, it is to communicate with someone. A phone’s sole purpose is to connect one another through the use of messages and calls. If we go way back to 1973 when the first mobile phone was created, it allowed for 30 minutes of calls, with a charge time of 10 hours. Just over 40 years later and we now have abilities far and wide on these devices; abilities that never would have been deemed possible a few decades ago.

It is expected that by 2021, nearly one third of the planet’s entire population will be a part of the online community. This social network provides so much interactivity, with almost every aspect of our lives being shared to those who engage with our online accounts. But the question that I want to ask is whether this phenomenon of a social network has made us as a society more social, or if it has in fact lessened our social abilities.

The first two contradicting arguments that spring to mind are the obvious – yes, they have made us more social as we connect with people at times that we can’t be with them; no, they have not made us more social -  the addiction to the social network takes away from the moments that we do spend with people IRL.

But I want to go deeper than that, I want to explore why it connects us with people, solidifying friendships, and why it can also lead to the death of friendships. So, to begin…

The social network is a feature of the modern day that we can all access. We can access it from our phones, our tablets, our laptops, and even our watches it would now seem. With the development of smart watches where notifications can appear, the social network doesn’t just exist in something that we hold, but now it exists in an accessory that we wear. It is EVERYWHERE.

If you go to a shop and look at their posters in store, chances are they will have the handle to their social accounts readily available. Some companies even create their own hashtag to bring together their consumers under one discourse community: #babesofmissguided and #pltstyle are just two examples of a platform created for buyers of fashion clothing to come together to share their outfits. The hashtag #ootd is an internationally-used tag, whether it be by every day users, or by bloggers to share outfit inspiration - there are hashtags available to bring together a community of any size under an umbrella of common interest.

A social network extends beyond this – a social network allows for you to connect with your course mates about the latest assignment, it allows you to connect with your friends from home, your work colleagues, your family. It also allows you to connect with total strangers.

We all have group chats where we message multiple people simultaneously – it’s easy for convenience. Most students at uni I’m sure will also have a house group chat, I know I do. But why? I live with these people so I am guaranteed to see them. Why couldn’t I just save what I had to say until I saw them, rather than posting a message in the chat? It’s the immediacy.

Social media provides us with a platform to share news as soon as its happened. Gossip from Friday night? Of course, it has to be sent in voice notes to your course mates – it definitely can’t wait until Monday to be shared. We are now so used to receiving and giving news as soon as its happened that is a natural part of life. This is where Snapchat became so successful in the social media market.

The feature that Snapchat provides us all with is the ability to take a photo, or a video, of an exact moment in time. It saves us having to describe the amazing smoothie bowl that you had that morning at brunch, it saves you having to ring your friend from the shops and describe a dress to know whether to make the purchase or not and it saves the storage of your phone where photos disappear after 10 seconds! Its EASY. It makes our life a whole load simpler and that’s what we love. When life is busy, anything to help us save time is appreciated by all.

As I have grown up, I have seen the patterns of social media change. I first got Facebook at the age of thirteen. Messages would be sent with emojis made up of punctuation instead of the animated characters that we use today, both on Android and Apple. There has always been the need for multimodal forms of communication. An emoji helps to convey the emotions that a reader is trying to express in words where they can’t visually see the person speaking. Facebook is a greatly multimodal app with the ability to tag friends in funny videos, photos, share statuses, send messages – however, other social networks have taken over. Twitter is a greatly used multimodal platform to share content, arguably it has become more popular than Facebook with younger generations.

  Instagram and Snapchat are also platforms that allow for the sharing of strong visual content. The main feature of these social networks is the sharing of images, accompanied by text. This allows for a strong visual insight into the lives of others. The culture of online influencers has led to a strong curiosity to see how others live their lives. Online we are able to present ourselves in any way, shape or form that we choose to do so – we have the freedom that so many people wish for. So, what’s not to love?

In fact, put simply, quite a lot.

Social media is amazing, fantastic, brilliant…but it is also misleading, damaging and harmful. The ability to be able to share only your best life is very misleading. This can change people’s perspectives of the person that they thought you were when you met in person, or ‘IRL’, if we’re using netspeak. People may become bitter about your life you live online, people may feel that they’re not good enough, and friends may start to see you as competition, altering your friendship.

Online is a platform for mental health issues to arise rapidly – anxiety, depression and eating disorders are only a few of the problems that can stem from the use of social media. For the damage that it does, is it really worth it?

Not only does social networking take away from the precious time that you spend with those around you, but it disengages you from conversations that they’re having. Replying to a quick message? Yes, fine; but spending time scrolling through Instagram or catching up on your Snapchat stories instead of having a gossip or a catch up with the people who are there in the room with you could come across as rude. It is a statement without having to say anything – that you’d rather be elsewhere.

I feel like when I pick up my phone and mindlessly scroll I am by all means not saying to those I’m with that I’m uninterested in discussion, it’s just habit. Phones come everywhere we go – it’s like a fifth limb that we have all biologically developed in the 21stcentury. Science has truly gone crazy.

However, not only is it the barrier that using our phones poses, but also the expectation that the content that we see online poses. If you follow endless food accounts, it may make you feel guilty for eating any food that isn’t green and crunchy; if you follow lifestyle accounts it may make you feel like your relationship isn’t as healthy as it should be, that your partner isn’t taking you on dates as exotic and exiting as they should be; you may feel that your house isn’t as tidy and clean as it should be; you may feel like you’re not as toned and healthy as you should be; you may feel that your skin isn’t as fresh as it could be; you may feel that your job isn’t as exciting as it should be; you may feel that your weekend getaway isn’t extravagant enough; you may feel that…

STOP!

The pressure that we put on ourselves because of social media is immense. The culture that it creates is one of comparison – comparing every aspect of our lives and it isn’t healthy. It isn’t healthy for your body or mind. In Summer of 2016, 95 million posts were made daily to Instagram. That works out as 3,958,333 posts her hour, 65,972 posts a minute and 1,099 posts a second. It’s no wonder it feels like there’s no room to escape.

It’s important to take a moment to yourself and remember what really matters in life. Quality time with your family, your friends and yourself are essential to feeling at peace with the world. A book that has done me enormous favours is ‘Calm’ by Fearne Cotton (I have inserted the link to this book at the bottom of the this blog post). It has helped me to put things into perspective and to ‘let go’ of any issues or stresses I have that are out of my control.

Now, put your phone down, close your laptop and go and spend time with those who love you the most.

(https://www.amazon.co.uk/Calm-Working-through-stresses-peaceful/dp/1409183637/ref=sr_1_3?qid=1552217128&refinements=p_27%3AFearne+Cotton&s=books&sr=1-3)