#remember when you couldnt be on the internet if someone was on the phone?

[valsdelulucorner]

Hellooo!! Just wanted to say, I LOVE your self aware Obey Me series!!!I have a request with that series of yours, actually!

How do you think the brothers would react to MC overworking themselves and being very insistent about it, like, turning off the internet and all just so there won't be any distractions?

I hope it's fine and have a great day 🩶

This is such a fun idea! This is straying abit from the main yandere self aware au I have, this is abit of a mix

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Self aware obey me with a overworking MC

-normal self aware au

You hadn't played the game for a few days now, what happened? Were you ill? Did something happen to you? They all loved it when you stopped by the game and had a chat with them, you didnt normally stop talking with them this long

They couldnt help but be abit nosy since you weren't resiving the notifications they were sending your phone, they got levi to open the camera up so they could check on you. They found you typing away at a endless document on your laptop, you looked exhausted while you added to the rows of words.

They couldn't access your laptop thanks to you turning the internet off so they were stuck in your phone for now. They would be really worried about you and these habits, managing to hack the system of your phone and send notifications to your phone without wifi, causing little pings to be heard.

Groaning, you grabbed your phone to turn the notification noise down before you actually checked what was causing the noise to go off. They had actually managed to manipulate the notification bars to things like "please remember to take a break, it isnt healthy to be constantly working this much" "remember to drink water, I know you humans forget to if your working like this", just little messages like that to help.

It actually helped afew times, managing to get you out of the overworking state of mind you were in and made you actually take a break before going back to work. Even though it doesnt work every single time, they are just glad that they manage to help you not work yourself to death. You always get a scolding from Lucifer about overworking yourself, the hypocrite

-my yandere au

Your internet was supposed to be on, you were supposed to always be able to reach. This new behavior from you made them all anxious, they couldn't stand the thought of you talking with someone else or being out of their reach.

They harrassed levi to open up your phone camera so they can 'check' on you, they were acting like he hadn't already done it. They all stared at you as you typed away at the document on your laptop, the rows of words piling up as you kept on writing, the ticks of the keyboard a never ending sound.

Poor darling, you were working yourself to death, it wasnt fair to you. They were abit pissed off that you had turned the wifi off, banning them from accessing your document and imprisoning them in your phone. You were put up to this, wernt you? You would never normally leave the game to do something like this, it had to be someone forcing you to do this

They manipulated your phone so you would be able to hear he pings of their notifications, sending stuff like "darling, you know how this type of behaviour isnt good for any of us, come back to us my darling" "who put you put to this. Who." "Why are you ignoring us darling, this isn't you" "your starting to piss us off darling, turn the internet back on"

These messages didnt help you one bit, pushing yourself to overwork even harder because you didnt want to deal with then right now. It angered them, they needed to see you, hear you, feel. You. The moment you turned the wifi back on to submit your work, all 7 of their faces appeared on your screen, demanding to know who was hurting you, who was putting you up to this.

you had to convince them for a hour not to send death threats to your professor

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exuce the endless amounts of mistakes, I'm doing this on my phone at 3am rn so I'll fix the mistakes in the morning lol

This was alot of fun to write, I love the obey me self aware au and I'm so glad you like my work involving it<3

[selamat-linting]

so anyway, there used to be this girl staying in one of the rooms our neighbor rented. lets call her F. one day F had to move and instead she stayed at my old house. i was too young for my mom to explain why but over the years i managed to connect the dots on my own. she got pregnant out of wedlock, her mom doesnt approve of her relationship and its not like the guy is eager on taking responsibility anyway. abortion is illegal here. and i guess somewhere along the way she had to lose her job?

anyway, F was living at my mom's place for a few weeks. i was a severe insomniac even as a kid and its nice to have someone to play with when i couldnt sleep. we watched animal documentaries and she taught me how to play board games like monopoly. during those days, she liked to talk about her siblings. especially this one girl who is a bit younger than me. F said she was a tomboy, and has always been a good, easy kid even in the womb. you see, when her mom was pregnant with her sister, they went through some marital problems that forced her mom to start working again. F was grateful her sister didnt make her mom sick so much and she was never a particularly fussy baby.

one day, F gathered the courage to see her mom again. she took me to her house. we met her little sister. at first i thought she was a boy, until i saw that she's wearing a necklace. it was the girl F liked to talk about. and she told me to play with her sister.

so we set off. this girl, lets call her C, she told me all of her favorite play spots. we walked around the fish market by the sea, we played in this park that used to be an old training ground for the military, it was amazing. i was ten or eleven years old at the time, and i thought C was the coolest girl alive. she could walk through an obstacle course without struggling, she knows how to fish, and she went on adventures almost every day. all i had going for me was that im good at browsing the internet and playing video games.

i wondered why C didnt have other kids waiting right by the door just to play with her. she was nice. definitely nicer than the ones i see at school. but then when we're in the middle of walking back, a bunch of kids saw us together and they start calling us a lesbian. C's cheery demeanor drops a bit and when i turned my head, she told me to just keep walking and ignore them. i remember feeling like i had to say something but i just didnt know what. years later, i think i know what kid me wanted to say, but by then it was too late.

anyway, we played again some more, and went back to her house. i promised next time we see each other its gonna be my turn to show her my stomping grounds (the internet). i ate dinner at their place, and F gave me a ride home. that was the last time i ever saw her.

okay no, not really. we met again. F decide to send the baby up for adoption to a relative of her ex-boyfriend. it was really sad. she couldnt stop crying. but after that, she seems to recover. at least she got herself a new job, a new place to stay, and the problem was over. on eid, she brought C at my house. yeah, C wore boy clothes on eid too. i was a bit envious of her ngl. we went on an arcade, met a kid who beg on the road outside the mall and she spent such a long time talking with them. i think C almost cried. she was a good kid. And then we played with toy guns, and C pranked a woman walking besides us by whistling at her. it was kinda mean ngl.

but thats it. there's no grand resolution. or any answer if F get to see her baby again one day. i went to middle school and liked another girl. F's visit got rarer and rarer and eventually become none as my mom moved out of our old house. with her gone, so as my continued friendship with C. we dont really have personal phone numbers as a kid and i cant find her on facebook.

when i was working at my first job, whenever i get terribly lonely, i'd get on a bus and stop around the fish market we used to hang out at. i walked by the bridge where she used to fish, near a row of stilt houses perched on top of the sea. it was almost like a pilgrimage. i hoped i'll came across C while walking around, or that i'll remember the way to get to her house. no such luck. pretty sure i'll never see her again, but i do wish her well. who knows man, maybe she'll taught me how to fish for the first time. i might know fish facts but i dont know shit about catching them.

[luveline]

OHMIGOD THATS A BLAST FROM THE PAST..

dharma & greg.... i was in middle school in the early 2010s and my dad was elderly, so he set up a deal with the old folks community center that i could sit in their lobby until he could pick me up after-school, since the center was right across the street from the school. id sit there and watch what they left on the tv (because i didnt know how to change the channel, there was no remote and i cant remember if there were buttons. there was no place to do my hw other than the floor bc i wasnt allowed to wander, and my dad was abusive Sucked(TM) so i also used hw to avoid him at home. and i had a cellphone for emergencies only; no internet or games, and i had to make sure it didnt die before my dad picked me up even tho i didnt have a portable battery. so that meant at least an hour of nothing to do but sit and watch a tv that i was too shy to ask how to change the channel for. but it turned out alright and also im safe now lmao) and whatecer they left it on, it never changed away from this channel that only played sitcoms, specifically sitcoms that WEREN'T super big, currently on-air or had newly ended like Friends or Seinfeld. i watched the entirity of Cheers, Fresh Prince, The Nanny, Planes, Living Single, The New Adventures of Old Christine, a couple of others (i moved to high school before i could finish Fraiser (also you could argue some of these are still big, but i dont see Cheers or Fraiser versions of some of the merch thats in my local mall of Friends and Senfield nor do i see as many memes or edits or anything), and Dharma & Greg. now i remember where my idea of a romantic hero came from lmao greg made me fucking melt in my chair

but everytime i typed in "show about lawyer and artist shot-gun married", i couldnt find its title. thank you so much, this is going on my next wishlist and my list of Things To Eventually Buy, that show and all these others gave me so much serotonin during an otherwise lonely time. it brought me so much comfort that the rare times i had the courage to speak to the lovely woman at the front counter, and not the adrenaline-fueled fear of "MY PHONE DIED CAN I PLS USE THE LANDLINE TO CALL MY DAD", was when the channel had been randomly changed one day to something new and there was no one else watching it, so i timidly asked for my comfort shows back and shed nod and never spoke but would always change it for me (i think she only did bc nobody else was there though i never asked if someone else was watching the tv). but yeah. fuck, greg was the fucking dream to bby!me. and i related way too hard to dharma lmao but jfc i think i underestimated how much that show soothed an aching, alienated part of me by showing me a Weird (Neurodivergent) Girl as an adult being shamelessly herself and absolutely adored for it lmao ♡♡♡♡ thank you so much for reminding me of the title, you and whoever brought this up, this was a "FINALLY" that was literal years in the making, i couldnt remember the name of this show for the life in me but now i can request someone buy it for my birthday or something lmao thank you. thank you so, so much ♡♡♡♡♡

more than welcome!

[yungviry]

rant again

well im fucking upset. not intentionally, ive been having a conversation with my ex boyfriend for like the last week. and i always tell myself not to reply cause there's no fucking use. we've had the same conversation over and over again and neither of us seem to agree with the events that took place in our relationship, nor i guess who's at fault (cause someones's always to blame on how it ended)

essentially hes to blame for the whole relationship flopping but he doesnt see it that way. he sees my retaliation as an issue. because according to him im supposed to be the bigger person. im not the woman he was molding me to be and gets upset i go off script. i swear narcissist will never see themselves as the one at fault for anything. personally i can see i was a petty betty, but because i never got the sorry i wanted and i still wanted to be with him (but thats my own self esteem issues at work)

im saving a lot of the story for the eventual book i write so i only vent so much but also it wont really make a difference seeing as ill probably phrase things differently once i get to that point to im gunna actually be a little vulnerable-ish cause its all public knowledge really. but you get it im writing it down instead of just telling my coworkers lol.

basically. i met malik around august of 2019. at the time i was on tinder so i was casually fucking multiple people at this point ( at least 4 other guys besides him) i was doing porn videos with one of my casual partners (sup byrd) nothing serious, just recording ourselves while we hung out. it was cool. they had made some noise when we first started putting them out that march/april. his profile was in the top 2 on xvideos which i very much enjoyed. lowkey weird seeing yourself when youre looking for something to rub your frustrations out on lol. malik and i met in august, i had already had porn videos out in the internet. he was not my boyfriend immediately. he didnt ask me till like 3 weeks of dating. i told him about the sex tapes the first week i met him. i cant remember if it was that same first day i met him or if it was the morning or day after, some shit along those lines. but you get the jist i told him i had sex tapes out BEFORE he ever asked me out.

now that a little backstory has been set up, he sit there and tries to make me feel bad for the sex tapes, knowing i didnt post them, some other dude did. i have no control over them being on the internet, i had agreed and even out of respect for malik i asked byrd to take them down and he refused so it basically ended there. i cant force some dude to do some shit for me. much less to spare my boyfriend at the times feelings. and still now he continues to torment me with "he cant get pasted my sex tapes" YOU DIDNT HAVE TO ASK ME OUT. i told him i had them out when i was single and still wants to be upset abut shit i did when i was single. like most bitches, usually if you dont like something from someones past and you cant seem to get past it, i wouldnt even ask them out in the first place.

maybe a month into us going out i go thru his phone and BAM theres hella messages to other bitches where hes literally flirting to all of them, some of them even happen to be at times were hanging out together. I had shown him how to make flautas maybe a couple weeks into us habnging out and there in his ig messages he was telling some random bitch hed make her flautas. ANd essentially from there it all started.

from that moment i could never trust him. i remember we were laying on the couch at my house when i was going thru the phone and i kicked him out m,y house. i remember i was heartbroken cause i really liked him already. we had spent almost every single day together since meeting each other and this shit was just unbelievable to me. we probably broke up for like 3 days and i was just aruguing over text with him thew whole time. i remember i didnt really wanna end things, but i couldnt deal wit the cheating. cause literally the day he asked me to be his girlfriend the only thing i had warned him about was infidelity. i have always thought cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone. its selfish, its hurtful, its destructive. those 3 days i remember he spent begging for me back, telling me how hed never do it and listing off all the ways he was going to make it up to me. he would repeat to me that hes do anything to have me forgive him.

eventually we had the conversation of what it would take for me to go back. i said i would need him to do things in order to feel like i could trust him, and at the time he happily agreed to all the conditions. helll, hed even offer to let me slap him as hard as i could to take him back. and trust me i felt like slapping the shit out of him. and then there i go back. i gave him his slaps and all his conditions and he said hed follow them. and that lasted 4 months (but not really cause according to the dates on his phone he never stopped talking to bitches behind my back) but i didnt catch him till like February.

literally from that fist instant i really should have just left him forever but my dumbasss had no respect for myself so i thought because we had a good connections i could look past the bullshit. i ate up his lies too about him changing, but i should have left regardless of all that. my hard no was cheating, he cheated and still my ass gave him a chance. i shouldnt have to give chances and make list of things i need to regain my trust. i should have dipped. cause at the end of the day all his words were just that, words. he didnt change, if anything he only got meaner with me and stricter. he was mad i was a fun girl and i guess he wanted to catch up on bodies? im not sure what it was but he never stayed loyal to me the whole relationship and would constantly lie about it. and he wouldn't admit till i had proof that he was. and again try to sell me a dream on hoiow hed change and how he loves me. blah blah blah cause in the end he was lying and i just turned petty. i stopped believing him and constantly accused him of cheating.

and i guess thats what bothered him, so you see it was a toxic cycle that HE STARTED. CAUSE HE FUCKING CHEATED ON ME. but for some reason because i was mean to him AFTER HE CHEATED ON ME im the bitch in this whole situation and its my fault he stepped outside the relationship and constantly lied about it.

obviously i can get more into it cause it went on for years and my dumbass just believed he was gunna change, even though i literally accused him daily. but to my surprise (or not really) i was right the whole time. he wsa cheating, lying and happily taking my money. bum ass bitch.

but yea we have conversations now and still he doesnt seem to understand HE"S the reason we never worked out. cause what the fuck do i look like trying with a bitch that doesnt know how to keep his eyes on his own girl. he should of just just dumped me but too late. now i dont like him a nd personally bashing him online makes me feel better. i get to warn other girls that he hits girls and has herpes (cause he also doesnt like to tell bitches hes fucking [which i can confirm he fucked at least 3 girls while we were together and he knew he had herpes and didnt tell them] that his ass has HERPES)

uggggghhhhh i dont even really like getting into it cause its pointless. he did me dirty and hell never acknowledge its all his fault. literally everything i did was just the repercussion of his actions. and im tired of his punk ass trying blame me for any of the bad he caused/created.

[mywalkintofreedom]

Life at West Main Street - part 1

We’ve been doing some work around the house lately. We painted some walls, and hung some new pictures, got a new light fixture... stuff like that. I’ve always found it very important to make our home my sanctuary. I have to change things around every now and then too, just to change the scenery. As a stay at home mom it’s important to me that I feel comfortable in the space I’m in.

I can’t help but think back to the first place we ever moved into together back in 2014. It was a small one bedroom apartment, it smelled like cigarette smoke, it had no central heat or air and was a shared building with 3 other apartments. It was what we could afford at that time, and I say that with a wink, because we moved into this place using our last money to pay for the down payment not knowing where the rent was going to come from, as Micah did not have a permanent job yet. We also couldn’t afford to turn on the water or power yet, but we chose to be grateful that we found a place to live and trusted God to work out the rest. It was nothing like I had pictured in my mind as we were dreaming up our life. BUT, let me tell you this, it was the most life changing season of my life living there. This little apartment became my sanctuary, and the many months that we lived here became some of our most treasured memories as a newly wed couple. It became the foundation of our marriage, the foundation of how we decided to raise our kids and really just the foundation of our journey together. We learned lessons and foundational things there that we will bring with us for the rest of our life.

We had plans to move out as soon as we could, but reality pretty soon showed that this was going to be home for awhile and that this would be the home that we would have our first baby in.

You would think that the environment was the hardest part of living here, but it wasn’t. While it was certainly a struggle the smell, the dysfunctions and interesting neighbors, the greatest struggle presented itself as how I like to recall it “being stripped of every comfort I’d ever known”. This meant, not having internet, not having a tv and not having a phone and not having people to contact or call.

The first day Micah went to work a full day, I remember clear as day, sitting on a desk chair that someone had given us, in an empty apartment, in the dark (it was a cloudy day and the place had very little natural light). I had no idea what time he would come home, because we had no way of contacting each other. All we had was this desk chair and our suitcases with clothes (which half of mine didn’t fit me because I was pregnant) and an air mattress that we slept on. I sat there probably for an hour that first day, with my hand on my belly feeling our baby move, tears dripping down my face, thinking about what I could possibly do with myself for the entire day. This continued to be the biggest struggle I woke up with every day, what am I going to do today? The first months, all I could think about was moving out. But as the weeks went by there was no way we would be able to move on to something else. It felt like being dropped off on a deserted island. In a way it was similar. I had no way of contacting people, and I was in a country that was not my own. Every day I counted down the minutes until Micah would come home, which were a lot of minutes when you start counting in the morning. Any time he came home all was well. We would light candles and play card games all night. This was after he would have made us dinner on our one pit burner, which would take more than an hour usually, because you could only heat one thing at a time. It really didn’t take long until our apartment was furnished. We had different people donate things to us, a lot of items are still part of our home and in a way sentimental to me.

For the first while we didn’t have a fridge. This was challenging, but it was winter so this helped a little. We had a box that we would put our milk in, and maybe two or three other items we had, and we would put this outside between our front door and screen door. I remember some days being out and about and we would be watching the temperature, because what if our meat would get too warm!? (I also had some fear that our neighbors would steal the box😂) We did have some precious meat spoil one time and it was hard, I mean I think I cried. Eventually someone asked us if we could use a mini fridge, which remained our fridge for the entire time we lived there. The only down side to this fridge was that it didn’t fit an ice cream container in the tiny freezer section at the top😭 (the freezer section also didn’t have a way of closing so we closed it with a piece of cardboard😂). But in the end that was okay, because we really couldn’t afford ice cream anyways.

Since I’m talking about food, this is also what I meant with “being stripped of every comfort you’ve ever known”. We had a $20 food budget a week in this season. Going and buying whatever you feel like eating really wasn’t an option. I remember one night sitting on the floor in front of our tiny little pantry, crying, because I just wanted to eat some chocolate so bad. I know that sounds crazy, (do keep it mind I was also pregnant😉) but when you can always buy whatever you feel like buying you don’t know what it’s like when you can’t.

Our biggest arguments we ever had in our early marriage days were about... food... and what to buy. We were total opposites, my brain told me we should be buying the cheapest of the cheapest, well mister Huff wanted to buy organic chicken with our $20 food budget. I honestly could kill him for it and thought he was insane. Then we’d have an argument about me being too loud protesting in the store. His intentions were honest and pure, he wanted the very best for me and our unborn child. We eventually met in the middle, and I’ve learned not to loudly start arguments in the meat aisle. While we had very little to spend, we never felt poor. We calculated everything to a T before we went shopping and eventually knew the prices by heart, and became pretty smart in our shopping. We made the best meals with what we had. We ate meat maybe 2-3 times a week and did beans on the other days. We didn’t really eat snacks, just an apple at some point of the day. We paid everything with cash (which we have done up until just a few months ago! But we still don’t own a credit card). Any change we’d get, we would save up and buy an ice cream cone with at the end of the week at Dairy Queen. If we had a really good week, we’d be able to buy a blizzard, which felt like a celebration.

While going through the literal purification of my life, we also had a lot of unknowns. How were we going to bring a baby into the world? The hospital wasn’t an option because I wasn’t eligible for health insurance, because I didn’t have my green card yet. Speaking of which, I also feared the green card police would knock on my door and deport me, for real, which was probably a little dramatic. We saved every little bit of money we could to pay for a midwife, and pay for the green card application.

Through all of these changes, I was getting used to living in a very different country than my own. They call immigrants, aliens, and that’s often how I felt. I had visited the United States often before I officially moved there, and I loved the country, but living here proved to be more of a culture shock than I knew it would be. There were so many small details I had to learn about the culture, the language and the country. There were times that it caused anxiety.

I remember one particular time our church was doing “family fun Saturdays”. It was just a way of fellowshipping together. I was actually quite excited about this, because I didn’t have any fellowship throughout the week and missed my family a lot. Micah worked Saturday morning and after he was done we left. When we got there and we walked into a room full of people anxiety hit me, but I was okay, because Micah was right next to me. Well next thing I knew, the guys were going to do a sports game outside, Micah left and I was left alone in a room full of people. This really wouldn’t be a big deal, but anxiety overtook and I got immensely afraid and panicked. I left as quick as I could and went to our little car. We were parked in kind of an open spot where other cars were arriving, I was so afraid of seeing people and having to converse that I sat down curled up on the floor of the car in front of the front seat. I couldnt help but cry uncontrollably because I just was so afraid of conversing with people and that someone would see me and I was thinking to myself “what have I become”? Social anxiety was something I had struggled with before, but never ever in my life to the extent I was experiencing that day.

Speaking of cars, I do feel like I should probably tell you about our 1997 Toyota Corolla. How did we ever end up with a car when we had no money? That’s a good question. It was presented to us to buy the car for $600 at the very beginning of our journey, but we denied, because we didn’t have any money. The car was given to us. Before we had this car we were walking everywhere.

When I was 27 weeks pregnant we prayed and reached out to a midwife that was willing to accept us and decided that the only way we were going to be able to receive prenatal care was to have a home birth with a midwife. During our first meeting with her we went over the cost and when we left we discussed it and we really had no idea how we were going to pay her. It was going to be about $3000. After a lot of praying we both came to the conclusion that the only way we’d be able to pay her was if we could take out a loan. We didn’t like having to do this, but we also couldn’t go without the proper care for me and our baby.

We decided to go to the bank, and that’s where we met Frank. We sat down in front of Frank and we explained what we needed the loan for. He asked us if we had any collateral. Micah and I looked at each other, I whispered “what is collateral?” and then we looked at Frank. Micah answered, well, we have a 1997 Toyota Corolla. Frank said, “okay let’s see it”. We had parked it right in front of the bank. The two front fenders and the hood of the car were black, as it had never been painted white after a replacement like the rest of the car. The grill and the Toyota logo in the front were missing. Micah and I joked constantly that it looked like a car with a toothless smile. When we walked out, “corey” as we named him, was right in front of Frank, but Frank was looking right over it looking for our car. Then Micah said “this is him, pointing at our car, this is the toothless wonder”. Frank looked at it and made some notes on a note pad, we went back inside (meanwhile Micah and I really had to hold our laughs because it was hysterical). After Frank got done writing some things down and asking some questions he said “well, I can give you about $1200 for a loan”. It wasn’t the amount that we needed, but it was something so we took it. We left the bank and laughed often about the story of Frank and the “toothless wonder”. We were able to give our midwife $1200 up front, and paid her and the bank off as soon as we could possibly could.

It is around the same time that we realized that we were definitely not going to be able to move anywhere else until we had paid off this loan, the rest of the cost of the midwife, and gotten everything paid to get me a green card. I made a decision to stop thinking about “the next step”. Often we live with the mentality, “if I can just reach this or that, then I will be happy”. Always thinking about the “best best thing”. My mentality had been “if I can just move somewhere else I can start to be happy”. I learned a huge lesson in contentment in this season, and the scripture that Micah and I were often reminded of was “if you can be faithful in the small things, God can entrust you with the bigger things”. (And boy if I had known what God would do later in life I would’ve started this much sooner). I started by praying that God would either take the smoke smell away, or help me not to smell it, because I couldn’t stand it. He did, I stopped smelling it. I declared this small apartment my sanctuary. I decided to make it my home, and asked God to help me make it home. When you always have distractions at your fingertips it’s easy not to deal with feelings, I was faced with my feelings every day and had no way of numbing them with distractions. There were no distractions. None. It was just me and God, every day. There was no way for me to “numb” the time away by watching tv, scrolling on a phone or asking someone to come over.

You would probably think after reading all that that I regretted moving and that I regretted getting married. I truly didn’t. I knew with everything within me that this was where we were supposed to be and that I was with who I was supposed to be with.

There is so much to say about the season that we lived here. What I forgot to mention earlier is that someone came to us when we had just moved into our apartment and gave us, I believe it was $250. However much it was, it was the exact amount we needed to turn on the water and power for the apartment. They said that God had laid it on their heart to give this to us, and we knew it was Him because of the amount they gave us. They had no idea of our situation. There are so many miraculous things that happened while we lived here, and I plan on writing more about it because I’ve always wanted to, it is an extremely important part of my journey, and our journey, and so many valuable things were learned. I am forever grateful for the “stripping down and away”, because it prepared me for motherhood and life as a mom and it made us make important decisions for our family that I believe will truly change the lives of our children and have changed our own lives. God became real, and the Word of God exploded as we read together each day. I have never been the same and I never will be. More stories to come about the many experiences at west Main Street.

[adlexegam]

please tell me, am i in the wrong?

so basically i decided to join here cause i at least know my post wont get removed here. i tried posting my story on reddit’s AITA but my post kept getting removed because on their posts you cant post about abuse. so fuck it, here i am, hoping for someone other than my bf and myself to tell me im not wrong. context:i decided to invite my boyfriend over without telling my parents, i did it max 5 times. i was 16 at the time and he was 18. i got caught and my punishment was to get my phone taken away, my number cancelled, im no longer allowed to drive a car or get my license, im only allowed one friend, im not allowed my laptop anymore, im no longer allowed outside without constant supervision, cameras were installed in and out of the house, and just about every day since december of 2019 ive been getting told how disgusting i am for wanting to be with a n****r (my bf’s half puerto rican half white, i’m half hispanic and half white too), how if he was white he would have come to the front door and shook my parent’s hands and asked for permission to date their daughter, how im a dirty n****r lover who will get pregnant from him and have to slave away to take care of our half breed mistakes, how if i stay with him he’ll sell my body on the streets for money, how if i have sex with him ill get every std on the plant, all that 50′s bullshit. ive gotten pregnancy tested (im celibate), drug tested (mom claims she smelled weed in my room, so he’s a dirty n****r drug dealer apparently forcing me to do drugs, guess what i am against drugs since i know itll change my brain chemistry and i have weak lungs),and std tested (still celibate).  for the first few months after they found out i was allowed my laptop at home to do homework, and only allowed my phone during school. one day i got home and i got greeted to the fact that i no longer have a laptop and now have to use the house computer to do all my work at home. of course i got mad because for months ive been doing everything they wanted, and suddenly im being punished for being suspiciously good? my mom got on top of me and fought me to take off my backpack to take my airpods too, left my phone on the kitchen table. i grabbed my phone and locked myself in my room. she found out i took my phone, and once i unlocked the door i held my phone above my head so we can just talk. instead she got on top of me and started scratching me and all over my arms to get to my phone. i dropped it from the pain of the scratches on my arms. earlier that same day i was getting ready for school with my laptop open, camera taped over, looking for any school assignments i missed. my mom unlocked my door and saw my nude body getting ready with my laptop open, and just went back to the kitchen table and told my dad how much of a slut i am and how im posting my nude body on the internet. i quickly put on clothes and came up to her yelling how im just getting ready for school and how theres tape over the camera. i even told her to look at the laptop, the only thing open was google classroom. my dad got up and started yelling at me for being a slut and for talking back. for once i finally got tired of being yelled at, i finally stood up for myself. he punched me in the face and when my mom got in between to defend me (she caused the whole situation), his swings went back in on her stomach. i screamed dont hit my mother and tried to push her off him, he used the oppurtunity to grab my shoulder by my uniform and punch me in the shoulder. everything was a blur after that. my mother drove me to school and yelled how i shouldnt have been a whore on the internet. i fought back. before i got to school i yelled “please, just fuck off”. this is important later, because she used me saying that as the excuse for her getting on top of me and scratching me and ripping my backpack off my back. because i swore at her. it was okay. but here’s the important part. he hit me in front of the camera. i knew the police would ignore the emotional abuse ive been getting for my entire life. i got my physical evidence. finally, after 16 years, i had my evidence. i told my boyfriend what happened, and we agreed to meet after school the next day and call the police. i wanted to be emancipated, since my parents adamantly agreed that i (apparently) only wanted to be emancipated because my ‘poor street rat n****r boyfriend’ was manipulating me into it. ive been dreaming of this day since i was 8, when i realized what ive been told wasnt normal. they showed up on the corner of where i called. i told the policemen what happened to me the day before. they asked if i had any scars or bruises. i said no, he didnt punch me hard enough to get a bruise the next day, and my mother didnt scratch me hard enough to get scars. they knew what would happen if they gave me physical evidence. after i said that, the policeman interrogating me asked me something that will stay with me until the day i die. “he never really hit you, did he?” i began crying and saying yes! yes he did! i have video footage to prove it! we have cameras in the house! it happened right in front of the cameras! more questions ensued, and i was brought to the police station while my boyfriend waited at a local coffeeshop for me to finally be free from the abuse. at first i was scared, but the cops calmed me down. i told them everything. all my memories spilled from my mouth like water from the niagra falls. everything came rushing out, my fears, my forgotten memories i forced into my box of never to be remembered, the times before i feared for my life, the times i knew something wasnt right. i told them everything from the bottom of my heart. they listened and asked all the right questions.(if you want to know what happened to me and what i told them, ill post them in a future post if anyone cares)  one of the officers, the only one with melanin skin and a father to a beautiful girl, expressively felt sick from my stories, from my life. not even he could understand why, as a father, why any parent would find it right to do to me what they did. he was my favourite police officer, he was the kindest and the only one who really wanted me to feel comfortable. he talked to me on the level of a person, not a child. eventually cps came and he told me to tell her everything too. i did. she asked where i wanted to go if i got emancipated. i said to live with my boyfriend, his family is willing to take me in and once i get a job ill pay minimal rent so i can be free. she said ‘no, you cant live with a minor.’ i said he’s not a minor, he’s 18. she said ‘oh, then yeah you definetly cant live with him’ she said if i wanted to leave i would be put into a women’s shelter since i was too old to be adopted/put into foster care. she said i would be r*ped if i was put in there. she said i should just take it until im 18, then ill be fine. she said that there were no scars or bruises, so it wasnt that bad. (this part is blurry, the more i remember it the more the memories overlap, im sorry for any confusion) the police interrogated my parents. they believed every word they said. my mother used whitepages as a source to prove how my boyfriend lied about his name. my mother used our hours long calls to prove how im obviously being manipulated to lie. she said how im just a liar, as my father said, a pathological liar. they had no cause to me being a pathological liar, i was just born that way. i was lying to get into my manipulative boyfriend’s arms for my body to be used by him and his friends. i was obviously being manipulated, why would i want to leave my loving parents arms? i was obviously doing this just out of anger of getting my laptop and phone taken away, obviously. its not like they EVER did anything wrong to me, they were just teaching me to grow up a mature adult, ready for the world. they would never put their hands on me. the police never looked at the cameras. they never questioned me again. i was a liar. at home the child protective services lady said my room quote ‘ranked of weed’. i have never done weed. my boyfriend has never done weed in my room.  at the station they said they couldnt find a record of my boyfriend. i later found out that, even after he gave them his social security number, they still questioned his existence. at the station they told my parents they couldnt find his record (he has none, hes never committed a crime). at home a therapist came. to my knowledge, my boyfriend was never real (no record) and i would still have to be at home. i wanted to die. the therapist said she wanted to take me to a mental hospital. my mom was there and consented. my dad later came home, yelled at me in front of the therapist. she said im suicidal, with his consent she would call her supervisor to take me to the local mental hospital. he consented. while she called her supervisor from across the kitchen, he said: “she wants to kill herself? fuck if i care, she can drown herself in a river for all i care” i sat there shocked.  the mental hospital was a blur. once i got home i got my phone taken away too. my only communication would be from the 10+ year old computer we have in the kitchen. facing out so anyone that walks by can see what im doing. one of the cameras is watching me at all times, but is positioned so that it cant see what i am doing.  once i got home i used our kindle fire. i logged into discord on incognito mode. i asked him to send me his birth certificate. was he even real? was i even real? was our late nights of cuddling nothing? were the walks in the park nothing? were the ‘i love you’s nothing? did meeting his family from an hour long train ride mean nothing? were the chinese food dates nothing? were the confessions of our embarassing secrets nothing? were the times we had non-vaginal sex and laughed in the middle from how silly we were being mean nothing? were the times we had tiffs and talked it out mean nothing? did he save me from my ex-abusive partner just to use me? were the times we layed down next to each other with the only covering being my blanket, staring at each other in wonder of how lucky each of us were, was that nothing? when we spent hours telling each other our  entire life stories, was he lying? did the times he called my body the most beautiful thing he ever has seen, the times he’s said he didnt think he’d ever fall in love again from his ex, was that a lie? he sent his birth certificate. it was real. his birth date his name it was all real. he told me what happened to him. i told him what happened to me. he apologized for it going the way it did. i apologized for doubting him. child protective services sent a therapist me and my mother had to meet with weekly. 2 hours, 10 times. it lasted until the first weeks of quarantine. me and him are still in the same love we’ve has since before he found out how truly insane my parents are. the only reason we���ve ever gotten into fights is from how much he wants me to run away (before you say ‘ok maybe the parents were right, he sounds manipulative’, no, he only says that after every time something else happens at home and how he has to cope with the fact that im okay with being abused since its my normal. he wants me to run away from the abuse, not just so we can see each other again, so i wont be hurt anymore). he’s still the man i want to marry, the man i want to call mine and for him to call me his. we get scared the other might get tired of the waiting and just decide to leave for someone each other’s family would like. we talk through it. we know we can wait. i know i can take it until im 18. he knows he’ll be prepared to take me in once im 18. we know we can take the late nights awake, missing each other. we can take it because this isnt puppy love. this isnt purely passionate love. he wants me to be safe, and i want to finally be free. so you’re up to this point and you’re probably thinking one of three things: jesus christ can this lady capitalize anything?? or holy FUCK this is long it better be good or why did she title her post that? first of all, i do what a want nehenehenehneh second of all, whoever reads this needs the full context before i ask my question third of all, because of what happened a couple of days ago. a month ago my dad passed from covid-19. ive become the housewife while my mother has taken over the family business and my brother does the grass once a month. my mother still cooks, but i clean the dishes and fold laundry every day and vaccuum the whole house twice a week. a letter came in the other day stating how our child protective services case is now closed. they never found signs of physical abuse or neglect. my mother reminded me for the infinitieth time how stupid i am for getting manipulated. how much of a dirty n*****r lover i am. how i will never be anything without her. then she brought my father into this i started the situation, which made him depressed. he was depressed, so he couldnt fight off the virus. because he couldnt fight off the virus, he died. she blamed me for killing my father she blamed me for my father for deciding to go out every day without a mask for my father deciding to put in his eyedrops in an insanitary environment she blamed me  it was my fault i knew i was leaving when im 18 i knew i wanted to tell my mother at least a month before i left that i was leaving but now theres no going back once im 18, im gone im never turning back i will never be treated like this or talked down like this ever again but who will clean? who will vaccuum? who will make sure the house is organized? do i stay? can i even go? i just dont know anymore should i go? and well, what i started this post with, please tell me, am i in the wrong? for planning on leaving when im 18? to finish this post, i just want to say a few things. dont tell me to call the police or child protective services.i already did. they believed my abusive parents and told them how they can protect themselves against me, since i was the one who started all this. plus, look at the fucking news. no fucking wonder they believed my parents. my boyfriend looks hispanic and i look white. no fucking wonder they believed my parents. fuck cops. not all cops are bad, but no cop should fucking gun down people for their race. no person should be judged from some racist  person saying “oh im fearing for my life” and the person in question is black/a poc and is doing fucking nothing. they believed my fucking abusive parents because they threw my bf under the bus as bait and the police went for it. dont come after my family. all that will do is make everything worse for me. my mother can’t even look at a poc without claiming they’re related to my boyfriend and are going to follow her to kill her. dont do anything to me. just please answer my question. please just tell me if im in the right or if im in the wrong. i know this is abuse. i know whats happening to me is wrong. but i know i can take it. i know i can survive. i will survive and achieve my dream of becoming a doctor. i will be my own person. i am me

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

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.

.

.

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Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

[avengerscompound]

Balancing Work and Home: Peter

Balancing Work and Home: Peter

Series Masterlist

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing:  Peter Parker, Gen

Word Count:  781

Warnings:  nothing really

Synopsis:   Peter has a lot of things on his mind. Math homework. Where his next webbing should land. Keeping his secret identity from Aunt May. It gets a little tricky when he gets a phone call in the middle of a fight.

A/N:  Part of my Balancing Work and Home series.  Each part either written by me or @thelookingglassalice​

Peter

“And you said rise above, open your eyes up.  And you said rise above.  But I can’t.  I can’t.” Peter sang to himself absentmindedly as he carefully calculated each placement of his webbing.  Third-floor window overhang slightly to the left of center.  Fifth-floor balcony, right side.  Lamppost.

Miscalculation meant falling.  Falling meant having to pretend he didn’t fracture his wrist or ankle.  Or dislocate his shoulder.  Or bruise his coccyx.  Each calculation was extremely important and he had to remain focused.

He was however also listening to police scanners.  There was a car accident on the corner of Broadway and 9th.  Too far to get to.  Another was on 31st and 94th.  He could make it to that one, but they sounded like they had it under control.  A call that there was another on East 57th and Madison he could reach but it sounded like they had it under control.  There was a hold up that sounded promising too.

As well as that he was scanning the ground for anyone in distress.  Kids running into the street, purse snatchers, that kind of thing.

“Hey, Spider-Man!”  Someone yelled out.  Peter saluted and tucked his knees in and somersaulted mid-air before continuing on.  So there was that too.  Sometimes, he had to just put on a show.

He was also working on the math homework he had, in his head.  He couldn’t remember all of it, but there was one problem that was bugging him and he was running through alternative equations he could use to solve it.

The hairs on the back of his arms stood up and he stopped singing and looked back.  A man came running out of a bodega dressed in black and white shoving money into his pocket.  Peter turned to pursue him.

“Peter.  Your Aunt May is calling.”  Karen said in his ear as Peter calculated his path up the street with the best odds of cutting the guy off.

“What?  No.”  Peter whined as he stuck to the side of the wall and webbed up the guy’s feet. “Put her on.”

“Peter?  Where are you?”  May asked as soon as the line connected.

“Aunt May.  I went into the city.  I’m at the library.”  Peter replied.  He was about to use his webbing to tie the guy up when he threw a boomerang at Peter’s head.

Peter ducked but the boomerang severed the webbing holding him to the building.  He scrambled for a moment, almost all other thoughts leaving his head as he sent off a web to try and catch the nearest street pole, missed and came crashing down on his back.  “Why would you go into the library?  You’re always on the internet.”  May asked.

Peter pulled himself to his feet just in time to duck another boomerang.  “Whoa, dude?  Did I go the outback without realizing?” Peter asked as he shot two balls of webbing at the guy.  “The New York library is an architectural treasure.  And uh - it has a lot of history.”

The boomerang guy turned and looked at him confused.  “Why would I give a rat’s ass about the library, mate.”

Peter waved him off.

“Oh, architecture huh?  And when have you ever cared about architecture?” May asked.

“Oh sorry, mate.  I didn’t know I was interfering.”  Boomerang guy said throwing his boomerang again.

Peter ducked and came at him punching.  “I’ve always liked architecture.  Buildings are really cool.”. He protested and he swung at the guy’s jaw.

“Mr. Preston called.  He said that your extra credit physics project was due today and you didn’t hand it in.” May said.

The punch was countered and as Peter doubled over from a blow to the gut the boomerang returned and Peter on only just managed to avoid it.  “I told Mr. Preston that I had left it in the lab because of its size.”

“Are you talking to your mum?  Un-bloody-believable.” Boomerang scoffed, stopping the fight as he doubled over in laughter.

“No.  I’m talking to your mom.  She’s complimenting me about last night.” Peter snapped.

“Oi, right.  That’s it.”  Boomerang said and came hard at Peter aiming a blow to his jaw with his boomerang.

“Aunt May, I’m gonna call you back.” Peter yelped as he stumbled back from the man.

“No need, but dinners at 7.  Be home on time.”. She said.

“Yep.  Will do.” Peter agreed.  “Love you.”

“Love you too, Peter,”  May replied disconnecting the call.

“I wuv you, mummy.” Boomerang teased.  “She ready to change your diaper little baby?”

Peter squared off his shoulders.  “Alright.  That’s it.” He said, and now with that one less thing to occupy his mind, he ran in to fight.

[gatorademachinegun]

An Incomplete List Of Dumb Shit I've Done In No Particular Order

uhh trigger warning for injuries and blood bc dumb shit also means being a reckless idiot sometimes

nearly took my own hand off with a metal grinder temping at a machine shop

didn’t tell anyone about it, calmly walked to the bathroom, notified my mother, dug the first aid kit out from under the sink, and stitched it up myself

attempted to go back to work but was busted by my supervisor and sent home

i routinely go walking around the farm at night. in my sleep wear.

went walking out to check on the cows during the blizzard we had a couple weeks ago because my fathers an asshole who refused to check on them himself.

was forced to help move heavy metal shelving despite me telling them i had messed up my shoulder that week and dislocated my left shoulder holding this heavy ass sheet of metal but when everyone around me started screaming I just calmly said, "I told you all this would happen. It's too late now. Let's just finish this." and then relocated my shoulder 20 minutes later and left

accidentally fell off the jungle gym, landed like spider man, then stood back up and did it 3 more times.

went mountain trail riding and broke my throttle thumb half way up the hardest trail there but instead of signalling and stepping off my stupid ass just floored it till I got to the top

kicked a good sized dent into my wall during a flurry of panic because I'd suddenly remembered that I hadn't wished my girlfriend goodnight

accidentally pissed off the bull and was chased up a tree by 2,400 pounds of Anger With Horns, where i spent the next 2 hours waiting for that fucker to leave

accidentally pissed off the bull a SECOND TIME while riding a honda mini trail 50 that i was too big for.

i panicked and floored it, hit a sand patch, crashed through the barbed wire fence, ran a stick of re-bar into my ribs (right under my left boob)

i then picked myself back up, straightened the bike, walked back up to the house and scared 20 years off my fathers life when he saw me covered in a gross mix of sand, gasoline, and blood, parking the bike back in the shop like it wasn't no big thing

broke my right wrist when a dump truck bed at Bass Pro unexpectedly flipped while I was monkeying around on it

(back at school with my broken dominate wrist) taught myself to write with my left hand because the kid who was supposed to be writing my assignments out had terrible handwriting and took too long

intentionally took as long as possible to do any kind of student council assignment because I hated math class and if i took long enough i could miss 90% of the math lesson

got into a screaming match with a dude named Bret, yelled so hard it triggered my gag reflex so i threw up right between our feet, and then went right back to screaming. Bret was so startled he couldnt come up with an argument back and i have not spoken to him one on one again.

rearranged the entire living room while home alone because I got bored

left my glasses in the refrigerator

left my phone in the refrigerator

left my glasses in the freezer, then wanted to microwave them to clear the frost on the lenses because it was 4am and i wasnt all the way awake yet

left my glasses under my father's bed who sleeps an entire floor above my room. took me 2 hours to find them and i just sat their stupefied for a while

randomly thought of this ask and fell halfway down the stairs laughing, then just sat there, wedged on the stairs for a while

I ran outside the other day forgetting the patio was iced over and slid right from the front door all way off the end of patio and landed ass first into a snowbank a whole foot taller then i am

my mother was there to watch the entire thing and she still hasnt let me live it down

repeatedly climbed onto the roof to fix the satellite dish because it may be snowing but i am not going to be without internet

learned Russian because i was too lazy to google translate those Russian cat memes but somehow motivated enough to learn an entirely new language for CAT MEMES

was practicing Russian verbs at my local library and this angry white lady who thought i was summoning Satan started screaming at me while i continued to chant verbs till someone a couple stacks over just said "lady shut the fuck up" and i had to stop bc i was laughing too hard

my nervous 15 year old ass looked right into the eyes of a well off white lady as she let me into her giant house bc i was 20 minutes late to a Halloween party and said “this house is too big. the ceiling arches are too tall for proper acoustics. it’s hard to scream up the stairs for your kids isn’t it?”

i just looked her in dead in the face with a blank expression and she never actually answered my question

she just vaguely gestured towards the kitchen and i just Fled and then she stood in the foyer for a solid 10 minutes before following me to the kitchen to ask me my name

we never talked about and i still keep in contact with her daughter and she's never mentioned it either

every time i see this woman in a public place if we make eye contact she stares at me for a long time and i Know she's Remembering

needed to ask a gas station employee about the gas pumps. found one kneeling by the sandwich cooler and crouched next to him so i wasn't looming while i talked, waved a little bit and said "hey uh-" and must have startled him bc he whipped around to face me. slapping me across the face with the sandwich in his hand in the process. I didn't comment on it. just asked my question and left to laugh my ass off alone in my car.

laughed at a pun my mom sent me i fell off my stool at the school library, still howling, and the librarian came over to check on me saying "are you ok? you're laughing so im assuming you're ok? please let me know if you need help" and then she left while i continued to wheeze on the floor for the next 15 minutes

those are all the ones i can think of off the top of my head but I’ll ask my friends what other dumb shit they’ve seen me do and add to this list as I remember stuff 

[hprse-moved]

Something sad abt my parents is how despite being mentally ill and having chronic issues they just. Like. dont recognize or seem to care to recognize them

Like in the post i just rbed about glasses or whatever, i spent y e a r s being unable to see. And for YEARS when someone tried to tell me to read something in the distance, be it 15 feet away or 150, and i couldnt, i was just told to “look harder, its not that far away” and other similar things. One time, my step mom told me to read the sign we were about to pass, that had the speed limit. I couldnt see it, and i told her i couldnt, the way she said “you need to get your eyes checked” made me feel ashamed for not being able to see? Like what???

More recently, too, i approached her about me potentially having adhd or something, and when i was explaining why i think that, she didnt give me the chance to finish while i tried to remember, and she basically said “well most of those are a lot of kids nowadays bc of the phones and internet” yeah and who introduced me to the phone? And trust me, you may have known me my whole life but you havent had to sit in my seat, incapable of keeping grades high enough for your “standards” or whatever because i couldnt focus!

Not only that but ive had obvious anxiety problems my entire life. Family treated it as simply “oh shes just shy!” Or whatever and sure, sometimes that was the case, but every other thing leading up to the moment my baby hands type these words youre reading has been l a c e d with anxiety to the point where i cant even function

My entire life ive been told “you can always come to me if youre struggling or you think something might be wrong” and when i finally do, after not being able to for years, its brushed off as me being a teenager. Parents NEED to learn to recognize signs of mental and physical illness. Some of them need to get their own eyes checked, because more often than not, the signs of problems are flashing red and blue right into their faces

[skizmin]

haunted house!au with lee minho

prompt: minho falls in love with the actor that jump scared him inside the haunted house at a carnival

genre: fluff???? would it be anything else???? in my happy angst-makes-me-cry household???? pfft.

for: im sorry this one is lightly gender specific for females!! but the only female not made is about dressing as wendy for a costume party which some of my male readers might be uncomfortable with!! (i didnt even think abt it when writing it bc me and one of my guy friends have respectively gone as peter and wendy to costume parties)

warnings: gore mention stuff but its haunted house costumes, swearing ofc but nothing extreme (no slurs).

yo anyway so minhos one of my three ults wowzas Can He Not?

alright lets get to it

You Are Broke.

your major subject at uni really does cost a lot of money. money you have to provide. it sucks basically

whenever you think abt money you have to hold back tears bc You Have None.

:(((((

sorry anyway

one of your housemates is also broke and loves scouring the internet for quick and easy ways to get money, no matter how crazy they are

one night she comes back with an idea that peaks your interest, probably purely bc your card just got declined ordering a coffee at mcdonalds

“y/n you HAVE to do this one!!!!!”

you sigh like “if its selling my sub topic notes online again, im not doing it. i didnt even know someone could be so harsh about highlighter use???”

your housemate is all pfft im not putting you thru that again

“no!! basically, you get $80 to show up for 2 and 1/2 hours at the haunted house place at that carnival nearby!! dude we gotta, its just to scare the fuck outta people and we can like!! cover ourselves in blood!! n stuff!!”

at first your mind was like lmfao 2&1/2 hours at a haunted house?? no fuckin way

but then you remembered your job only paid you $14.78 an hour so you were doubling your pay in half the amount of time

“when?”

“20 minutes, get out a creepy white dress or something that looks creepy that you can get dirty.”

you fricken ran to your room

you ended up getting a cheap nightgown that you bought to dress up as wendy from peter pan to a costume party, it cost like $2 you really werent sad to see it go

“y/n!! hurry up!! they have makeup there!!”

you bolted out the front door in your nightgown, runners and a big coat with nothing but your wallet phone and keys in your pocket

you were really broke and desperate, youd already accepted it

when you got to the carnival you were in awe, it had been a fair few years since your last one and the colours and lights and pounding music and laughter just

wow, carnivals are so pretty

the guy running the haunted house came in and let you guys in so you didnt pay admission and quickly sat you down at some tables and told you you could do the makeup yourself or got someone else to

you, feeling daring and thinking fuck it, im gonna make the haunted house goers shit their pants, decided to do your own makeup

to pair with your blue nightgown you simply gave yourself extremely dark and sullen eyes with the power of purple eyeshadow, you paled out your lips and gave yourself a lil nosebleed, and on top of that you painted a random creepy looking symbol on your forehead in blood, blackening it our a little with an eyeliner pen to make it seem like it was cut open.

you were lowkey proud of your work

okay now it was show time, you were briefed on where in the house you could stay and you were told how to act and basic rules (no touching, get help if theyre freaking out too much, etc)

so now, you were in the dimly lit narrow hallways of this makeshift house when you heard the tell tale screams of your housemate meaning theres a group coming and theyd just attempted to jump scare them

you hid behind a black sheet, disguised as a wall, before your victims came up through your hallway

you heard some talk of “felix you know its fake, calm down.” before you saw some shadows pass by

the group was big, maybe 10 people? you werent sure, but you went forward with your plan anyway

just after theyd passed your hiding place, you stepped out from behind them and stood idly and innocently in the centre of the corridor before you put your head down and started whistling a nursery rhyme

you heard a few gasps and a few squeaks before you looked up with an unreadable expression

you saw them looking at you and some of the guys ushered some of the others away though one guy stood there looking at you strangely

you just tilted your head at him before taking your OPERATION: SCARE mission a step farther

bringing your hands up to your ears you let out a ear piercing scream and squeezed your eyes shut before running through the group and turning the corner at the end of the small corridor

you heard a soft what the fuck was that and a less soft language! before you turned and waited for them to turn the corner

as they were walking up the corridor however (theyd resolved to moving with just shuffles of their feet) you heard a new voice speak up. it was somewhat playful and honeydew like, especially with the phrase “not gonna lie, they were really fucking pretty.” which was followed by a chorus of “miNHO”’s and “thIs iS NoT The TiME bUddY” and “i think felix is crying”

you were taken aback

did he mean that? was that the one looking at you earlier? what the frick?

you were still blanking out, completely flabbergasted even when the group turned the corner

of course, you were unprepared, you planned to scream a loud “GET OUT!” to them but all that left your mouth was a squeak as you met eyes with the stranger again, red flushing up your neck

you ran away quickly, ducking into one of the rooms dressed up to look like a metal asylum holding centre

“hyung wtf theyre the scariest one yet”

“you guys go ahead, ill be there in a second”

“hyuNG YOURE GONNA GET KILLED DONT YOU WATCH HORROR MOVIES YOU NEVER SPLIT UP!”

“let go jisungie, hyunjins looking at you like you disgust him right now”

a chorus of laughs echoed through the hall

why was honeydew voice not going ahead?

your cheeks were still kinda red as you waited, listening for the male to go away

you slowly inched towards the doorway of the small room you were in, the flashing light behind you somewhat hindering your senses as you peeked through the shredded and knotted white sheet hanging from the top of the doorway but you couldnt see anyo-

“BOO!” “HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK” you scReAmed and jumped backwards, only to hear some cakcling from behind the sheet where the boy from earlier had appeared

“WHAT THE HECK KNUCKLES DUDE!”

“heck knuckles?”

“DONT JUDGE ME MY HEART IS BEATING A MILLION MILES PER HOUR RIGHT NOW”

“hmm? really?” you looked up to see the boy smirking playfully at you. 

he looks like a cat

“aH yeAh??? you just scared the crap out of me!!!1!1!!!” you huffed, amused by him behaviour. you heartbeat still hadnt calmed down

“oh? you sure it wasnt just from looking at me?” he leaned in slightly, making the question seem innocent

“mmhm, youre that ugly that i flew halfway across a room.” though the comment was monotonous and you had a bored look in your eyes, it was purely for bantering

“nice try pumpkin, nice try. anyway, when do you finish with the whole im an ugly ghost coming to kill you thing? youre terrible at it by the way.”

your breath hitched and a blush came up your neck

“o-okay listen here, uh, boy! 1, i am Not a Pumpkin. 2, i dont know you. 3, im fucking amazing at this ask your friends and 4, i dont know you” you awkwardly coughed at the end

he furrowed his eyebrows at you “its minho, and the whole point is i want to get to know you.” he beamed at you after this

you felt lightheaded honestly, it was all happening very quickly under weird circumstances

but still, you muttered back to him a soft “i get off at 10:30″

he smiled wider, triumphantly, “10:30?”

you nodded and he took a couple of steps back, out of the room

“see you then i guess!” at this, he winked, before he jogged off to find his friends

you fell back against a wal

lwhat the frick frack paddy whack just happened?

you sighed, hearing the screeching and slam of a metal door, knowing you had to get back to scaring others

like,,, @ 10:33

you had all your stuff and you were walking out from behind the haunted house set up, waiting for your housemate

you honestly didnt think youd see minho. no guy is that persistent, right?

wrong.

“h-hey!!! demon child person!!!” you looked up at this

who the fuck just called me demon child person 

you saw him and holy shit

the haunted house was dark with red lighting in some places and flashing blinding white lights in others, you saw minho and you saw what he looked like, but wow, he was so much clearer now

he was absolutely gorgeous

the carnival lights against his tan skin, his dark hair, his skinny black jeans and big parka coat? you were absolutely mesmerised

suddenly you realised you were staring and he was standing right in front of you

“o-oh, uh, hi?” you could already feel the red on your cheeks

“mm, hey, wanna hang out for a bit?” he smiled at you, you saw a tinge of red on his nose from the cold

“oh, actually i uh, i came with my housemate and-”

“anD THEY’D LOVE TO GO!!” 

suddenly your housemate was next to you, throwing an arm over your shoulder and telling you to get home safely and asking you to not be too loud before shes nudging you closer to the attractive minho boy and speed walking off

“i gotta say, i like your housemate” minho looked to you with a wide smile. “should we get you some food first?”

you offered him a meek smile and shyly nodded. which he laughed at

“alright then, lets go!” he gripped you lightly by the elbow and led you through the crowd, passing some speedy and tall and colourful rides. you decided to speak up.

“sooo... after you get food, whatd you wanna do?” minho made a contemplating sound before simply saying “i dont mind, i just want to get to know you.”

oh

“uh, okay then, well uh, what do you wanna know?” “to be honest, a name would be great.” minho laughed goodheartedly, you saw the apples of his cheeks rise up and his nose scrunching slightly

“oH! riGht! im uh, im y/n”

this time he turned to you “y/n?” you nodded. “thats a pretty name, it matches you.”

you turned away mumbling a thanks before you realised he’d called you pretty

“woAh wait whAt??? do you?? have no shame??”

this time he giggled

giggled

oh my god your heart practically stopped especially when he steered you to a table for the both of you to sit down

“y/n, i dont know if you noticed but i basically sorta asked you out like 2 hours ago while you were trying to scare me dressed as a demonic creepy child, a really fucking cute one at that, you need to teach me how to do that im in awe. but yeah and then now we’re here on a spontaneous first date which i have no clue what im doing for and i really dont know you at all apart from you act in a haunted house which is pretty interesting but you were just that pretty that i stayed behind in a haunted house to talk to you. now ask yourself again, does minho ever feel ashamed of his blatantly obvious attempts at flirting? the answer however is: when it comes to you? no, never.”

he was smiling proudly at his little monologue whilst you were catching flies in your open mouth

“you...are actually the cheesiest person ive ever fucking met.”

minho laughs once again.

“honestly, ill give you all the compliments in the world if it means youll give me your number or something, even the ones that arent true”

you leaned over the table and slapped his arm lightly, grumbling under your breath about fliritng getting you nowhere in life

he simply rested his elbow on the table and his cheek in his hand, gazing at you and asking you what food you wanted

you ended up being so strung in by his his gorgeous eyes and soft looking cheeks that he had to call your name 3 times and repeat the question

bonus:

after eating some gross junk food and watching the midnight fireworks, minho bought you both fairyfloss and insisted on walking you home saying “its what anyone in their right mind would do” 

you walked along, him explaining his fear of heights and you explaining your situation of brokeness where you take almost any opportunity available

along the way he slinked his fingers through yours and placed them in the pocket of his big parka coat, smiling at you as you ducked your head to look at the ground, where youd started kicking your feet out extra to distract yourself from the affectionate gesture and calm the burning of your cheeks

when you arrived at your house, you fought over who should eat the leftover fairy floss.

you viciously shoved it into his hand, 

“you paid for it and you walked me home even though its late and cold, you keep it.”

minho looked like he was going to fight back for a minute before his eyes lit up

“ill take it on one condition, i get to feed a piece to you.” he beamed at you and you looked at him confused and skeptic

“uhhh, okay i guess?”

he picked a piece off of the stick and held it in front of you, you opened your mouth for it and he placed it in

before it could melt and you could smile at him however, you felt his hand on your cheek and a hand on your lower back tugging you forward to rest his lips on yours, moving his lips against them a total of three times before pulling back

“i know i shouldve asked, but id buy you fairy floss every day if i got to do that once.”

you were a stuttering mess, your mind was fuzzy, you missed the feeling of him so close to you already

“uh-i, i um. wow uh yeah. uhhh, yeah no its fine i um,,,, i didnt mind it actually. wait no, i uh, i really liked it?”

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

minho is BEAMING OH MY GOD

biggest smile of the century goes to lee minho, born in 1998

youre so red it isnt funny and he just moves the hand that was on your cheek to loosely grab at your fingers

“mm, okay then y/n, maybe if you wash the fake blood off of your face and text me ill kiss you again, for as long as you want.”

if your face was red before

oh god

oh god

you squeaked and nodded as he chuckled, lightly kissing your cheek before backing away

“get some sleep y/n, and message me tomorrow.” with that, he was walking away, leaving you to enter your house and be greeted by a squealing housemate who had witnessed the whole thing

(you took minho up on that offer, and he did kiss you, and it was longer, and it was great until his friend chris walked into minhos living room and saw you both and started screaming about keeping it PG because there were (17 yr old) kids around.)

finish! hope you like it!!

[tohavefaithistofindwings]

Time to be brutally honest and just throw feelings out to the internet. That’s the healthy way to cope right? Oh well. 

Here I am. Alive still. Two years after the car accident. I’m still angry. I’m still in pain. I’m still discovering new issues from that night. I’m still recovering. 

Along with all the other issues that were caused like broken bones, we discovered this past year that my spine took a lot of trauma. *shock* 

I have been in varying levels of extreme chronic pain for the past 11 months. And varying levels since the accident so about 2 years. The latter being expected to a certain extent. Being in extreme pain that limits my mobility while planning a wedding, while getting married, while going on my honeymoon, while working on shows non stop in between. Not great for morale as you can probably guess. 

Basically, I have in simple terms is early spinal degeneration. Because of the damage done, my lower back is kind of giving up. 3 out of 5 lumbar discs are herniated or torn or both. and several have started to develop bone spurs. It took almost 3 months after my pain got extremely bad for doctors to give me that diagnosis. But even then they sugar coated it. I’ve seen a surgeon and he wants to fuse my spine to prevent further damage to my nerves and back in general. I’m waiting on a second opinion before we pursue that option.

I’m scared to pursue the surgery. What would that mean for my future? I’m 25. I’m too young to be dealing with my body breaking down. No one can even promise that this will resolve my pain or make it better. They can just promise a reduction of pain after I heal. Plus they are operating on my spine. MY SPINE. They are directly working around the nerves that let me walk and move and go to the bathroom on my own. Yeah. That’s a symptom I have to be watching for. If I lose control of my bowels I have to go to the ER immediately. TMI? Maybe. Its not really something I want to be thinking about when I have to use the bathroom. 

Doing the surgery would mean I’d be out of normal life for 4 months. 4 months of not working, of not doing shows, of not pursuing things I want to be doing. And after that I don’t know what I’ll be able to do. I have a lot of things I cant do. Like go on roller coasters. Which is a silly one to be sad about but still its something. I feel like I am just starting to get my life back from the last time. I’m getting booked for shows. I’m somewhat satisfied in my day job. I’m scared what it means for my future if I’m gone for 4 months again. I don’t know how I’ll be after the surgery. The doctor says he’s had firemen go back to work afterwards but they don’t have the other damage I do. And there are so many risks. So many risks. 

My therapist asked me if I was ready for the surgery. And I said I dont know. She said that there is more than just my body to consider right now. She says I need to be emotionally/mentally ready for the surgery. I dont know if I can ever get to that point though? I’m so risk adverse I don’t know if I can do it if I play by those rules.  Mentally, I’m not even over the accident. I thought I was getting better. But I keep having flashbacks of  that night. They are so vivid and real. I’m living it over and over again. I can see the headlights coming at me. I can hear myself saying “no no no” and the TripleA agent asking what is wrong. I remember waking up sprawled into the passenger seat. Everything hurt. I had no idea where I was. I remember struggling to sit up in my seat. It was so hard, my body felt heavy. I remember feeling the rain and someone asking if I was ok and struggling to reply. I remember touching my face and it was wet. The dashboard of my car was splattered with blood. I was so alone. People were standing outside of the car in front of it. I could see them through my front windshield. I remember screaming blurred words to them. Help. Help me please. please. I felt so utterly alone. Somewhere in all of this, I grabbed my phone and the wallet I had open in the passenger seat from trying to call the tow truck. I closed my eyes and just waited. I couldnt move. I didnt know why. I remember the first responders cutting me out of the car and asking if I could walk. I said a garbled I dont know. They pulled me out and i took one step and almost fell. The pain was too much something was wrong. They carried me to the stretcher just a few steps away. They strapped me into it. The rain was falling harder. I was soaking wet by now. They hooked the stretcher into the ambulance and it hurt so much as they shoved me in and got it latched safely. They tried asking me questions. I tried talking but everything was so garbled, I guess they couldnt hear me. They assigned me a trauma name. Georgia. All I can think about is the pain in my leg. I was shouting. My leg. My leg. They helped lift it up under a pillow. Its only slightly better. I remember them cutting off my clothes. I had just gotten new black jeans and I was wearing a brand new flannel that I loved. I asked them to not cut my flannel and they tried as best they can to help me out of it. Little did I know it was already ruined from the blood and from the car. When they cut me out of the car, it had gotten in the way. It was silly that I cared so much about a flannel shirt, shock can do that to you. I remember very little from the ride. I was in and out of consciousness apparently. I remember at one point hearing the EMTs laughing and I couldnt say anything. I dont know what they were laughing about, but I just remember that sound. My brain makes me think they were laughing about me, but I so hope I am wrong. The pain was worse getting pulled from the ambulance into the ER. The jarring slams of the stretcher coming out then down out of the bus. I remember a doctor asking me questions. She had a kind face. They put me under so I remember very little in the ER. I remember waking up at one point getting put into a CT machine then I was out again. I remember hearing doctors talking in the room. And talking about my scans or X-Rays. Who knows? I woke up again to my mother and Annie talking in the room somewhere. When I tried to call out to them, they came over. Then asking how I was etc. I was covered in bruises. I literally had a list of things that were wrong. My mom took photos of my face and my body so I could see since I couldnt move. The doctor told me I would need surgery the next day. Then when I complained of more pain, they discovered another thing to add to the list and scheduled another surgery. 

That night and those days are seared into my brain. The photos of my car the next day. My brother telling me of the blood covering the inside of my car turned brown while drying. I found out later on that the TripleA agent that was on the phone with me called back, multiple times and left worried voicemails. I had at least 7 from them. From what I understand, they are the reason 911 got to me so quickly. 

I’m sorry if this is all too graphic or whatever. I just need to put it down in some form. I hope that writing it out it stops pushing to the front of my brain. The smallest things trigger me right now. Some have nothing to do with cars or the accident. 

Its been 2 years. I’m still recovering. I celebrated a small personal victory the other day. I was able to take the stairs two at a time without needing a handrail and minimal pain. I wasn’t running or anything. Just casually walking up. It was exicting but no one really understands why. Its just normal for them. Its something I’ve not been able to do for so long. This pending surgery makes me scared for what other things am I going to be losing, forever or even just for a very long time. Is it going to effect my progress in the other things? 

I just want to move on. I want to leave it in the past. The scars are there, can the trauma just stop now? I’m so tired. I’m so tired of being “strong”. I’m ready to be done. I’m so done with all of this. 

[sleeplesssecrets]

i could have journaled in my physical notebook journal tonight but i think i would rather dim my desk lampa and write here. im going to try to really go back to my roots on this blog, typing withing backspacing, and writing what im thinking about pretty much as ai think it. what has been on my mind is how much i crave a routine where i acknowledge the parts of my day and receive fulfillment from each moment. i have no idea how ot write that without sounding cheesy but i mean it. i want to wake up and say this is the morning. i am having my morning. i am changing into clean clothes because it is the morning. my moring coffee. my morning snuggles from my babies. i like to play animal crossing in the morning. and then when it turns noon i want to have lunch and read and give my baby his lil noon nap and recognize that i am experiencing noon today. then it will get later and my baby girl will be home in the afternoon after school. we'll have our afternoon snack and our afternoon craft or activity or whatever she feels like doing that day. i will notice how the sun chnages and watch my neighbors come home form work and switch the laundry over because laundry is an afternoon chore. and then i would have my dinner closer to night and do my skin care and find the moon in the sky to show my brai that it is in fact night time. and my phone will be charging while i fall asleep instead of a few inches away from my face showing myself an endless stream of short form content. i noticed today that i am truly enjoying being a stay at home mom. i love waking up and stacking wooden blocks ith my baby first thing. i dont have to worry about what im wearing to work or what the back of my hair looks like. my baby boy learned how to smooch this week so he's been kissing me when he feels like it. we are practicing consent in all areas of his daily life, from changing diapers to kisses to nap times. i ask him if he wants to nap with or wihtout a blanket, if he wants to let me change his diaper now or in a few minutes, i ask him if he wants to kiss or not. i would not be able to enforce this if i was away form my house 25 hours a week. we also got my baby girls room entirely cleaned, we took out some furnituure and rearranged ther est and gave her so much room to play on her floor. shes been really enjoying her timein her room again. once i have the dining room table the way i want it, we'll be able to craft together again, i already have some projects in mind. anyway. another thing htat has been on my mind which is so very hard to describe, is my mood board of landscape-ish type photos that ifound on the internet that give me a feeling of longing to be somewhere ive never been. and i dont add pictures to it if i recognize the place or if it's captioned with where it was photographed, that ruins it. i want to spawn in somewhere vibey, no signage, and just exist on earth. maybe its because i truly am terrible at cardinal directions. i unfortunately know where i am on a map. when i look at those pictures, i dont feel like i am somewhere specifically. i feel like ive talked about this a lot in real life to people as well as trying to write down the feeling but i wont give it up. ie only had a real feeling of being nowhere a few times in my life and i grip those memories in my hand like they're my last two dollars. i have a memory of being at someones home, a friend of my mom's. they had a dog and we were by the back door in the kitchen. i was on the floor peting the dog and the back door was open letting in light. and i couldnt tell you a single thing that happened that day other than that. i dont remember getting there or going away from there, just being there existing. it was just a house that day. not a house at an address, not in a city or a town, just someones home with their dog and the sunshine thats been shining down on me ever since. another memory was actually a little different, because i know exactly where i was, i can go there again, but i wouldnt be able to experience the feeling again. i was ont he porch of my inlaws home and my

girl was paying in the yard, and the overcast sky, the fog, and the way she was dressed that day was just so nice. i definitely dissociated and as my peripheral vision blurred i imagined we were in a soft grassy meadow. it gave me that somewhere nowhere feeling. one more thing ill document here that relates is how much i love courage the cowardly dog for this. i know some people say that show fueled their night mares as children but it only inspired my most interesting dreams. the sky is almost always moody. the creatures and people are just off putting enough. and its setting is literally "nowhere". ok im going

[iamthescalesofjustice]

saw that post that was like 'what if there one of those boardwalk airbrushed t-shirt stands had a shirt with what was obviously your name and image and phone number/address on it and they wouldnt sell it to you' and remembered two experiences that were separated by years and on very different corners of the internet but anyway

one time i was over 100 chapters (and two years of semi-regularly reading updates) i to a fic then a minor oc was introduced who had my exact full legal deadname and this character was still in the fic in the next six chapters i skimmed so it wasnt like some roadbump i could ignore so i just had to completely abandon the fic entirely. my account was not associated with any component of my legal name and i had never interacted with the author so i just have to assume it was a weird coincidence but its not a common name and it contains at least one fairly unusual sub-name.

another time i was on an mmo and saw was a player whose username was my exact password for that mmo. the words, the capitalization, the numbers. they were seemingly unconnected words too, and those specific spellings were beyond what the umbrella of generic leetspeak could explain. obviously i couldnt say anything about it to anyone bc the only way to 'prove' it would immediately open my account to hacking but it was really weird and i stopped playing for two weeks and avoided interacting with them and their guild which meant at one point ghosting an acquaintance for associating with them.

bonus this one was not on the internet but in my school district there was someone with my same legal first and last deadname, same middle initial, and their birthday was the same year as mine, with a month and day that were the same numbers but inverted (ie if my birthday was march 5th theirs was may 3rd but those are not the involved dates) and normally this would sound like it was just some clerical error but they were a very real person which i know because when our school system automatically generated usernames and passwords for things the similarities would cause problems and someone would have to manually set up a different profile for [insert whichever of the online testings things were involved in any particular incident] and it was a whole Thing. i was privy to some of the meetings and phone calls about this and thus learned their middle name and school id number and what school(s) they were attending. also in my school district there are two high schools whose names are very similar, as in one they are the same but one just has an extra word in it. i went to one and the other person went to the other. which was one more point of potential confusion to hash out.

all of which is to say that if i found a t-shirt at a boardwalk shack with my exact information on it i would just have to resignedly accept it as one more incident of this weird phenomenon.

[anarchy-in-the-pre-k]

feel incredibly weird. took a nap after doing almost nothing that would cause me to be especially tired today. i mean, i woke up at 10:30, did 1 class, shoveled the 1 inch of snow off my driveway, then i slept for the next 4 hours. i dreamt i was sick (and maybe, i probably am now irl) and i was making music. maybe it was a weird time of day in my dream too. i remember feeling this same gross blend of maturity/infantile back-at-home existence/disgust at my own body that i feel every day irl. was i making a shitty skramz album in my dream? that would be funny. when i went back upstairs in my dream my dad was pissed at me. he accused me of faking being sick and yelled at me (like he does every time im sick irl) but my mom was still alive and she partially calmed him down. they asked me about my plans for the future and seemed weirdly loving for a second. i told them about the indentured-servant audio graduate program in georgia and they told me that it sounded like a good idea. my parents started reminiscing, although i guess it was my mom specifically, about some theater-house they used to go too. maybe it was something more explicit like opera, but in front of/part of the theater-house was a huge flock of incredibly creepy long-legged huge-beaked water birds. And birds like this i suppose are generally fairly gentle, even the meat-eating ones, but these birds were just so silent, and put off such a murderous mental vibe. i think that they were psychically broadcasting/inclining everyone near them towards hatred. they were very cold and hateful. in a flashback somehow, i saw somebody throw some kind of ceremonial fish/offering into the water where they were standing. there was a short, slow and silent soccer-like skirmish to get the fish, which was at last cornered in the pond by one bird, leaving the others to go back to other corners of the pond to mind their business. the bird stabbed it straight through with its long/thin beak. i guess this fish was still alive, it started bleeding out and flopping like crazy until it stopped thrashing and lay still a few moments later. the bird didnt even eat the fish. it killed it, stepped out of the pond, and lay down to rest right next to its dying body, only half-looking over its shoulder at it sometimes. i remember now, my parents called them “taipei” birds/herons i think. they were bright red and yellow and brown/black. im awake now, and i hate it here. i had such a horrible dream, teasing me with the eeriness of a still-alive mom, a somewhat loving family, the horrible psychic messages from the birds, but i hate being awake too. all of my friends have moved on without me, even the two bookish communists who have been my only real human connection besides my dad for the last 3 years. theyve unfollowed me on twitter, meet up all the time without me, i dont get invited to anything anymore. i dont even know what ive done wrong besides be boring/stupid in their eyes. and i do definitely feel boring/stupid. i felt horrible laying down to bed at 6PM, because whether online, irl, or in my dreams i feel like all i ever get are nonstop reminders that i am alone and the good times are over. i am writing this for nobody. i just feel so much dread, both for the world at large politically and for how i might turn out socially. ive felt my social skills deteriorating for a while before quarantine, and this might have been the final nail. i dont know what it fucking is. i spend my day as a flattened wojak listening to my dad be incredibly racist and homophobic, throwing tantrums about every little thing that his bar friends or somebody on facebook says to him, i even heard him refer to me as his therapist to someone over the phone this morning, then i go to sleep full of hatred for myself and wondering why i couldnt be good enough for the last few friends i had again, then i get a fucked up dream about my dead mom and murder birds doing horrible things and sending me horrible telepathic messages to just hate everyone and everything as much as i can, and now i wake up in a world thats just so horrible and confusing and lonely and shows no signs of getting better in the slightest. fuck you joe biden, the liberals are happy now, the public pressure is off, and im back in a fucking john carpenter “they live” scenario where i feel like only 1 of like 15 fucking people total who realize that everything is just as bad. i hate it here, i hate it irl, and i hate it in my own mind. fuck you joe biden, and your psychic bad-vibes herons.

tl;dr: things suck everywhere. reality sucks, the internet has been fully subsumed by reality at this point, it sucks in my mind, and art isnt even an escape anymore bc escapist art just bums me out with the constant implication that life needs escaping from, and good art is almost always just depression-affirming

[blackvail22]

13 february 2021

5:08am - tomorrow’s valentine’s day. what a shame, i guess.

it’s always been one of my favorite holidays. i remember the feeling i had on valentines day last year, though. i was... i was honestly really sad, but i didn’t mind it. it was the first (and last) year me and jenna stopped trying to hide our relationship so much. i wanted to get something for her, but i never did. wait, no... i did. i made her something. i dont know. i did get a really good photo of myself out of that day though lmao

valentines day is a day of love, and love is the only thing i’ve wanted but never have gotten, so. i mean. it’s a yearly reminder of that.

4:07pm - luxury items don’t excuse emotional torment

3:16am (14/02/21) - i played with one of the most entertaining guys ive ever met today. i met him through a friend, and he’s a few years younger than me (by school grades, i dont know his age). both his friend (zion) and him (jay jay) are younger than me. im wording this very confusing so i’ll just stop now, lol. im going to go to sleep now :P

oh, they’re guys, and theyre internet friends. jay jay is the one that came up with the “prank” a few weeks ago. while playing with them, though, zion has a mic, and every time i played really well or i was playing in a lobby full of everyone’s friends, he would talk abt how they just all got killed by a girl. yeah, i get it, i guess, and he did say that it didnt really matter afterward but... ehh... this is just the first encounter ive had with someone that knows im a girl and thinks i play well and hasnt said that i was faking my identity, harassed me, belittled my talent after i played well against them, and/or asked me for nudes soo... im glad it went well. and zion was really funny, and his voice reminded me of someone i haven’t seen in awhile, so it was nice. hopefully i play with that group more often. i have to be weary playing with them during the day because my mom is awake and home, and she reacts negatively when i talk to others online because of me talking to you and multiple others when i was 9&10. now, look, i get the others. one of them pressured me into something i didnt want to, and the other tried to make me do the same thing. on the other hand, you arent bad. i wish she could see that for herself. wooooow, it is true people open up when theyre tired. lmaooo, okay, i think im *actually* gonna sleep now.

4:12am (14/02/21) - i still want to talk to someone but i dont know what to talk about :(

i miss having the company of someone. just a simple video call while we’re both doing what we want to would be fine. or even having a long conversation over the phone. i remember the ones i had with jenna. i liked them. i liked the ones we had when it was late at night, and i was at her house. i wish i could talk to her more. maybe when i can go back to in-person school i will, as much as i dread it. i’ll have to at some point because my mom refuses to homeschool me. she knows why i hate school so much (ive been bullied since my 2nd year in school) but she doesnt want my social skills to disappear. they’re already gone. i have social anxiety. plus, i’ll (probably) get a job soon anyway. im thinking about working at the same place as emily and possibly the same hours (if possible) so i have someone familiar. i dont think id make it if i didnt have someone familiar near me. maaaaan, i miss emily so much, but my mom hates her. whenever she sees her, all she can think about is emily’s sex life and calling her rude names and its just... its not her place nor her business. it’s also just rude. i used to talk poorly about emily, though, which i regret. i apologized to her for it multiple times, and i still feel sorry. i want to keep apologizing, but i think she knows that i’m sorry. i wish i could take back the things i said about her. two of my friends were at conflict (one being emily) and i didnt know what to do. i also blamed her for a lot of things that were my fault to begin with. i think there was a point where i lost myself in her. i can see that happening a little with b, but it’s not as bad. with emily, i couldnt find my own identity if it didnt involve some part of her. i still have no clue who i am because i am constantly changing, but...

im oversharing

wtf

im gonna stop

how long have i been ranting?

ehh 14 minutes isn’t bad. i need to stop talking for now. it’s 4:30am. sleeeeeeppppp