#romantic/sexual relationship is not 'better' than qpr

[missbiddle]

Getting accused of being an aphobe, despite being ace/aro myself, because I'm critical of consistent wlw ships being considered QPR, is a new one.

This just in - sometimes, asexuals don't want QPR in their media and just want to see sapphic relationships that actually allow attraction because female attraction, and especially lesbian attraction, is either hypersexualised, made puritan, or just doesn't exist. Let ladies wanna be with ladies.

I'm asexual. I don't have interest in sex, at all. In fact, I don't have interest in romantic relationships for myself either. But, not wanting a romantic/sexual sapphic relationship as a QPR and being critical of the vitriol being spat at sapphics for being critical of wlw ships constantly being considered QPR but het or mlm not getting that treatment, does not make me a fucking aphobe.

[hazelfoureyes]

why smut with an ace character?

This person was a minor so I won’t reply directly. I would love to discuss sexual orientation and the wibbly wobbly nature of attraction and pleasure to someone who I think needs a space to discuss it but as an adult stranger? That’s not my place and I would be wildly uncomfortable doing so directly. But! For anyone who does see my blog and wonders why, I’ll have this set on my master list to save me time

Heheheheh MY TIME HAS COME

closing in on 5 months of being on tumblr and this is my first “BUT ACE!” Comment/inbox

so, why?

✦Alastor is canonically Ace! The aro aspect was mentioned by an important staffer but has been left off as a descriptor by Viv herself and no accepted as canon. She gave her explicit permission to write them as we are comfortable with.

✦Asexuals can and do fuck! 💦 (my source? My ace spec partner!)

✦Alastor’s ace spectrum is often times an important aspect of my stories!

I always have Alastor motivated into sexual situations for non-sexual reasons.

Closeness, intimacy, fulfilling a partner’s needs, a biological imperative, for power, for control, putting someone into a submissive to embarrassing position. It’s to see someone break and bend to his will (with consent).

But lets shift into asexuality now --- how I write him isn't a representation of all ace people! It’s just how I view his place on the spectrum. Being Ace doesn't mean you can't ever want sexual pleasure in any form, it doesn't mean you never think about sex or enjoy seeing it.

Letting people explore the range of being asexual is as important as with any other sexual orientation. If you feel people being non-sex repulsed and being Ace is making your own identification harder to make clear to strangers —- well then I wonder if the label itself is more important to you than the community we all desperately seek and need when we publicly acknowledge our sexuality. We publicly say we’re LGBTQIA+ because these labels are for self identification and signal to like minded people and allies we're here. This is how I love and how I want to be loved. Maybe one day a different word will exist to separate the spectrum but we’re living and working with what we have today and how we find each other now. “Why not call him grey ace?” It’s each individuals decision how they wanna identify!

Full circle. Why do I write SO much smut about an ace character? Of course I think that animated deer man’s personality is hot lmao but also because I love this character and identify with him a lot! Being ace doesn't mean he doesn't ever have sex or ever enjoy physical pleasures! Writing about someone seeking out pleasure for non-sexual reasons is very fun for me as someone who doesn't identify with the romantic aspect of sex many people put on it. Do ace people fuck for romantic reasons? Yes! Absolutely! Being Asexual doesn’t mean you’re Aromantic!

Why not write fluff or QPR? Because I'm aromantic and it's harder for me but I am trying and am getting better at it because I want to write more things that meet the needs and wants of many kinds of people. As for QPR, I'm still learning what those relationships look like and learning how to idenfity them in my own life!

And finally— it’s valid to write him as any form of Ace or even not Ace at all! I prefer to keep him Ace spec but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong to make him not. He’s not real and the creator has given us permission to do so. 👌🏼

[antianakin]

how do you interpret codywan?

I suppose I should've seen this one coming.

So, the appeal for me with Codywan is the idea of these two people in impossible positions during what is a really dark time for them both overall learning to rely on each other and trust each other. They come from such radically different backgrounds, but somehow those backgrounds also allow them to understand each other in a way few others have (discounting the Jedi for Obi-Wan and the clones for Cody). There's a feeling of equality and respect between them as they fight beside each other and the other person starts to become more real because they can see the other person get tired and bleed, mourn and celebrate. And from that, they start picking up on the other little things about each other that turn them from General and Commander who respect each other professionally to friends who care about each other personally.

They AREN'T the most important person in each other's lives. They don't necessarily understand each other better than literally anybody else they've ever met. Cody will have relationships with other clones that are very meaningful to him, and lots of shared history with other clones that Obi-Wan simply cannot hope to replicate. Likewise, Obi-Wan has relationships with other Jedi that have lasted DECADES before he ever even meets Cody, and other Jedi will have a deeper understanding of that part of Obi-Wan that Cody just doesn't and never will. But Cody and Obi-Wan do go through an experience together that binds them, an experience that is uniquely their own. They mean a lot to each other and they are important to each other, but they aren't necessarily the center of each other's lives nor does their relationship eclipse everything else they care about.

Cody and Obi-Wan are one of the relationships that, to me, is most appealing when it's VERY Jedi in nature. From an outside perspective (a non-Jedi one), it might not even look like they're in a romantic relationship at all. Their relationship is their business and neither one feels the need to flaunt it publicly. They're happy the way they are and just because they don't follow the usual standards of what constitutes a romantic relationship doesn't mean they're doing it wrong or that it doesn't exist. I mentioned in the last ask about shipping that I'm aroace, and that tends to impact my view of Codywan, too. I tend to like interpreting them as something in the realm of a qpr (which is how I define ALL Jedi relationships because I don't think most Jedi relationships that work and/or last would look all that similar to what society tends to portray as a typical romantic relationship). In a happy fix-it AU scenario, Obi-Wan and Cody aren't necessarily spending all their time in each other's presence, they may not even live together, they're not constantly touching or making sexual innuendos with each other, they don't have pet names for each other or use endearments.

They both have such a strong sense of duty that meshes well together. Obi-Wan is a staunch Jedi and that means he feels compassion for everyone in the galaxy and is dedicated to helping everyone in the galaxy. Cody is someone who was forced into a life of service, but I like to interpret him as someone who, after meeting the Jedi and getting to know them better, decides that he still WANTS a life of service if he gets the opportunity to choose. He wants, more than anything, to be able to help people. He wants to bring peace and protect people when he can, he wants to represent something greater than himself. This allows them to be happy and fulfilled in their relationship without either of them needing to prioritize the relationship above everything else in their lives.

Obi-Wan enjoys Cody's wit, his steady presence and level head in a crisis, and that he's a sponge for any knowledge he can get his hands on. Cody enjoys Obi-Wan's compassion for life, his zest for learning and desire to pass on knowledge, and his thrill for adventure (whether Obi-Wan would call it that or admit to it or not). They both know they can rely on each other to get the job done without letting emotions get in the way, but they also know that at the end of the day, they can relax and be themselves with each other and find acceptance no matter what. I think Cody probably grows a lot through his relationship with Obi-Wan, that it allows him to understand himself in a way he hadn't been able to do before, and Cody provides an anchor point for Obi-Wan during a time when he's often separated from his regular support system.

I've seen people say that the appeal of Codywan for them is the yearning, but I don't think that that's it at all for me. The appeal in it for me is that it ISN'T something that causes them pain, but something that only really ever brings them joy. Even with Cody being pretty new to relationships in general, I think that he and Obi-Wan are both people who just end up enjoying the feeling of being in live, regardless of whether you think that person is in love with you back or not. They both glean pleasure from making the other person happy or even just SEEING the other person happy. Their relationship flows pretty easily from a professional respect to a friendly rapport to love without there being an obvious distinction between the different stages. They love each other, and it's not an issue that needs to be solved, but an experience to be savored.

None of this means that they never have disagreements or things like that, but Cody's steadiness combined with Obi-Wan's Jedi teachings means that they're pretty good at managing their disagreements without them becoming full-blown fights or major conflicts. Communication would not be one of their problems.

One of the things I like about Codywan is that what we know about them lends itself to an interpretation that they are the OPPOSITE of Anidala. Anidala is defined by its desperation, its secrecy and lies, its lack of healthy communication with each other, its melodrama and heightened emotion at all times, and the pain and fear at its core that leads to its own destruction. My personal interpretation of Codywan is the opposite of all of that. It's not defined by desperation and pain and fear and melodrama, but by smaller things that perhaps make for a less compelling story to people. So many fics turn Codywan into a variation of Anidala, with one or the both of them unable to admit to their own feelings and stuck in a cycle of their feelings for each other causing them little but pain. But if I wanted Anidala, I'd just read or watch Anidala. I want Codywan to feel DIFFERENT than Anidala in pretty much every way. I want their relationship to be based on honesty and trust and simple small moments feeling more romantic than grand gestures. There's no melodrama in my version of Codywan unless they're playing it up as a joke in front of somebody else.

[arodescence]

General Aspec Terms

These are going to be some general terms used in the Aspec community and their meanings!

・Aspec - Short for "Aromantic/Asexual Spectrum" (use this when referring to both the aromantic and asexual communities as a whole!)

・Arospec - Short for "Aromantic Spectrum" (Use this when referring to the aromantic community as a whole)

・Acespec - Short for "Asexual Spectrum" (Use this when referring to the asexual community as a whole)

・Alloromantic/Allosexual - The opposite of asexual/aromantic! When someone does feel romantic/sexual attraction they are considered to be alloromantic/allosexual.

・Amatonormativity - Amatonormativity is the assumption that monogamous romantic/sexual relationships are central to life and that relationships that meet the amatonormative standard are inherently better than relationships that fall outside that standard.

・Non-partnering - Non-partnering aros/aces are aspecs that do not wish to have significant others.

・ S.A.M - Short for "Split Attraction Model" The Split Attraction Model helps us understand human sexuality and attraction in a more detailed way. It recognizes that attraction isn't just one simple feeling, but can be made up of different parts. Such as, romantic attraction, sexual attraction, and alterous attraction.

・QPR - Short for "Queerplatonic/Quasiplatonic Relationship" A QPR is a relationship that goes beyond what is normal for the stereotypical platonic relationship but usually isn't romantic either.

・AroAce - AroAce is a term to describe someone is who both aromantic (aro) and asexual (ace). Not everyone on the aspec is aroace!

・Romance/Sex Repulsed, Indifferent, and Favorable - In the aspec community you will find that many of us have varying feelings on engaging in romantic/sexual things regardless of our identities, so we use these descriptors to tell others what we are and are not comfy with!

A brief guide to repulsed/indifferent/favorable

・Favorable - If someone is romance/sex favorable that means that they are comfy with and may enjoy romance/sex even if they are aro/ace.

・Indifferent - If someone is romance/sex indifferent that means that they are neutral about romance/sex. They don't hate it but they don't go crazy for it either.

・Repulsed - If someone is romance/sex repulsed that means that they are uncomfortable with romance/sex.

[anistarrose]

I think when a lot of queer people who aspire to marriage, and remember (rightly) fighting for the right to marriage, see queer people who don't want marriage, talking about not entering or even reforming or abolishing marriage, there's an assumption I can't fault anyone for having — because it's an assumption borne of trauma — that queers who aren't big on marriage are inadvertently or purposefully going to either foolishly deprive themselves of rights, or dangerously deprive everyone of the rights associated with marriage. But that's markedly untrue. We only want rights to stop being locked behind marriages. We want an end to discrimination against the unmarried.

We want a multitude of rights for polyamorous relationships. We want ways to fully recognize and extend rights to non-romantic and/or non-sexual unions, including but not limited to QPRs, in a setting distinct from the one that (modern) history has spent so long conflating with romance and sex in a way that makes many of us so deeply uncomfortable. And many of us are also disabled queers who are furious about marriage stripping the disabled of all benefits.

We want options to co-parent, and retain legal rights to see children, that extends to more than two people, and by necessity, to non-biological parents (which, by the way, hasn't always automatically followed from same-gender marriage equality even in places where said equality nominally exists. Our struggles are not as different as you think). We would like for (found or biological) family members and siblings to co-habitate as equal members of a household, perhaps even with pooled finances or engaging in aforementioned co-parenting, without anyone trying to fit the dynamic into a "marriage-shaped box" and assume it's incestuous. We want options to leave either marriages, or alternative agreements, that are less onerous than divorce proceedings have historically been.

I can't speak for every person who does not want to marry, but on average, spurning marriage is not a choice we make lightly. We are deeply, deeply aware of the benefits that only marriage can currently provide. And we do not take that information lightly. We demand better.

Now, talking about the benefits of marriage in respective countries' current legal frameworks, so that all people can make choices from an informed place, is all well and good — but is not an appropriate response to someone saying they are uncomfortable with marriage. There are people for whom entering a marriage, with all its associated norms, expectations, and baggage, would feel like a betrayal of one's self and authenticity that would shake them to their core — and every day, I struggle to unpack if I'm one of them or not. If I want to marry for tax benefits, or not. If that's worth the risk of losing disability benefits, in the (very plausible) possibility that I have to apply for them later in life. If that's worth the emotional burden of having to explain over and over, to both well-meaning and deeply conservative family members, that this relationship is not one of romance or sex. (Because, god, trying just to explain aromanticism or asexuality in a world that broadly thinks they're "fake" is emotional labor enough.)

Marriage is a fundamental alteration to who I am, to what rights an ableist government grants me, and to how I am perceived. I don't criticize the institution just because I enjoy a "free spirit" aesthetic or think the wedding industry is annoying, or whatever.

[imashittalkingmushroom]

My problem is that the HarveyxBrucexKhoa dynamic that I've really created in my head is not actually the three of them but rather Bruharvey and a Khoa who is a jealous and petty mf.

It's 100% Harvey reentering bruce's life in a much more permanent way and Knoa immediately being like 'who tf is this?? Bruce, you can do so much better. also. you dont get to leave this friendship for some stupid romance.' and thus he needs to prove that 1) there are people out there (khoa) who can be much better romantic and sexual partners than just some guy and 2) Khoa is actually the only life partner you can have. it's not up for discussion.

So you have

Harvey, who, after lots of therapy and a few decades of ups and downs with bruce, is confident that bruce will never leave him. And he's just giving khoa the side eye cuz this random guy that Bruce met in europe years ago is continuously and rudely interrupting their dramatic, bittersweet and romantic reunion that they've been building up to for DECADES

Khoa, who refuses to admit that he wants a qpr with bruce and is in a one-sided pissing contest with harvey

and bruce, who is happy to have both Harvey and Khoa back in his life but is a little weirded out because while yes, he and khoa did have a good fuck every once in a while, Khoa is getting a bit intense and Bruce is like 99.99% sure that their relationship wasn't like that but now that .01% of doubt is hitting him in the face real hard

[antimony-medusa]

Think: Does This Relationship Need To Be Family Dynamic??

Okay so people more articulate than me have made posts about how imediately family-coding and aging down characters and saying "this is the child and this is the DAD" is infantilization, and it's really fucking blatant when you do it to women, and it's really fucking glaring when you do it to disabled women. MCYT has the idea that family dynamic The Superior Dynamic and couldn't possibly be objectionable, but like, it is often straight up disrespectful. We are talking about adults. They are adults. Stop assigning them baby.

I have bitten the bullet and gone GUYS I AM BEGGING YOU and mentioned that Daddy Kink is a thing that is popular out in the world and that immediately fixating on one character as a Daddy and one as a Little is actually the opposite of trying to come up with a non-shipping option. Like I am not judging here if that's what floats yoru boat, but at some point you are putting kink posts in the main tag, even if it's not overtly sexual, and some of these posts I am only calling deniably non-sexual because you HAVE to know what you're doing.

But even aside from all of these things, someone brought something up in GC today that I think is worth mentioning. QSMP is an international server drawing from a lot of different cultures, and a focus on a nuclear family dynamic, with everyone being father-son or brother-sister to each other, is a really Western concept of what relationships are important. Kinship ties beyond the nuclear family are an important thing in a lot of cultures, and extended family is a thing (cousins, anyone?), and community ties are a thing (it takes a village?), and people choosing to be part of a sect or group is a thing (they have the ordem right there!), and esprit de corps is a thing (you try and tell me codebreakers don't have a warriors bond) and insisting that everyone is in a strict nuclear family is just an incredibly 1950s america way to view things. It's a narrowing of the possibilities in the relationships. I think we can do better than enforcing our cultural views on what relationshps are at the top of the hiarchy just like, across the board.

So like, okay, maybe you don't want to ship characters. That's awesome. That's fine. Shipping is not mandatory. Instead of always saying "they're brother-sister" because you want to celebrate their relationship, maybe consider sometimes letting them just be epic friends, or close connections where you're the Tia of his children but there's no blood there, or a qpr knot where you have important bonds with people but no formal romantic ties, or take one of the relationship types mentioned above.

Like, I have my woes with family dynamic especially because of the first two points and because I find it tends to strip characters down to archetypes which I'm not into, but also I'm very aware that it can be done in such a way that it respects everyone involved and is great. I am not arguing that family dynamic is inherently problematic. But there are some significant pitfalls with using it, and I'm really asking you to consider the implications of what you're messaging before you start sticking people in a family format.

[fnafs-ex-boyfriend]

Why shipping aroace characters is different

So I made a post a while back about my distaste for Vivziepop, the creator of Hazbin Hotel/Helluva Boss. One of the things that I mentioned in that post was that I disliked how callously she treated the shipping of Alastor, her aroace character (note: he is indeed canonically aroace, Vivziepop confirmed that he was ace and an artist on the show clarified that he was aro as well, which seems to be the implication for the character from Vivziepop and her team). I had a few people regard with confusion, asking what the difference was between shipping an aroace character and shipping, say, a straight character in a gay ship. There’s a key difference that I want to cover for my well-meaning allo (not ace or aro) friends. (Note: I definitely have different standards for QPR shipping and friends-with-benefits shipping aro and/or ace characters, but if I see ANY allo people using QPRs without knowledge of how they actually work and use them as an excuse to ship an aro character….i will find you)

The difference that I, an aroace man, have in my mind is that Aroace characters should not be shipped in a traditional way because we have so little representation in the first place. How many gay people have you seen in media? How many bisexuals? How many lesbians? There are numerous examples of these more common sexualities all throughout popular media. One reason why this kind of representation is more popular is mostly due to two factors: One of which is, obviously, that the three listed are more commonly known by the populous, thus are guaranteed to get a better reaction from a widespread audience. The other reason to this is that aro-asexuality has to be represented differently than other orientations. With most orientations, if a creator wants to properly represent their identities, they will put the character in question in a relationship with someone of the same gender as them (Amity from The Owl House or Jackie from Star Versus the Forces of Evil), or they will give the character a chaotic realization-to-coming-out storyline, often tied to a romantic relationship (Nick from Heartstopper). However, with aroace people, you can’t really adhere to this traditional standard, as the entire point of the orientation is a lack of interest in sex or romance. Therefore, they tend to be harder to represent other than giving them a full storyline about their sexuality (Isaac from Heartstopper) or their orientation must be made clear by the creator (Lilith from The Owl House). These factors make aromantic and/or asexual characters quite rare in popular media.

What does this have to do with shipping aro-ace characters? Well, I can name countless well-represented gay, lesbian, and bisexual characters in popular media. But for aroaces, there’s really only a handful. It hurts to not see yourself in media. And, from my perspective, when people ship aroace characters, they’re callously disregarding that fact by ignoring their canon sexuality. Shipping Percy Jackson with Grover or whatever isn’t taking away from straight representation because, well, reread the first half of that sentence. Additionally, never, EVER have I seen people defend people who ship lesbians or gay men with a character of the opposite sex the same way they defend shipping aro-ace characters. Amity x Hunter is a famously reviled ship in the Owl House fandom due to this very fact. What’s the difference between shipping a character who, by definition, isn’t attracted to men, and shipping a character who, by definition, isn’t attracted to anyone?

Anyway, as a media enthusiast, I just wanted to share my thoughts, because this drives me insane when I see things like this. Well-meaning allo shippers, nothing against you, but please try to think about what you’re doing to marginalized communities before doing anything.

Sincerely,

The Number One Annoying Asexual Fandom Guy

[communiteee]

my rough and incomplete take on Trobed

I don't think they are or should be in a typical gay relationship. But they are canonically, undeniably queer. Their friendship is like what most people imagine a QPR to function as. It is the most important/valued relationship for both of them out of the study group and everything else. They build their lives around each other (living together, playing together, caring for each other) until Troy goes on his boat ride.

I've heard some aroace Abed headcanons, and though he wore a hoodie with the sunset flag stripes, I disagree. The truth of the matter is, Abed fucks. This is important rep because lots of disabilities are (can't think of the word, but - assumed to not have/want sex because abled people find them undesirable and incapable of wanting/feeling things for themselves - poor phrasing but the point stands). So Abed being canonically autistic and having many hook-ups throughout the show is really cool. I also definitely think Troy is gay.

This is where it gets complicated for those unaware of the nuances of amatanormativity.

I think that Trobed (assuming Troy ever comes back from the boatride) prioritize one another and build their lives together, like people want spouses to do. They live together, they care for each other, they cuddle and talk like they are in a romantic relationship. Hell, maybe they even do have full-on romantic feelings. the important part is, they are best friends first. They are fundamentally FRIENDS, and they also have some other stuff going on. This is not a transition stage, it is not hiding their true feelings. They acknowledge that their friendship is queer. I could honestly see them having sex - as best friends, who maybe have romantic feelings too.

To explain this better, think of the phrase "your spouse is your best friend." I'm almost certain I've talked about this in another post but I'm tired and I don't care. The hypothetical "you" and "spouse" are first and foremost, lovers. You also have a friendship between you. Trobed reverses this. Their friendship is most important. Their platonic feelings drive their interactions and decisions. They also have secondary romantic feelings, like icing on a cake. Sex to them is something casual, like building a blanket fort. It's fun, they enjoy it, and it's a way to show love together. It's not fundamental, their relationship doesn't rest on it, and it's just another activity for them.

Abed and Troy would probably sexually open and having casual flings here and there, like Abed does in the show. Troy would get jealous if someone moved in on Abed like a best friend, rather than an interested lover. Because first and foremost, they are best friends.

[mattomattic]

(Disclaimer: None of this is a commentary on Hazbin itself. I only indulge in shipping for fandom and would prefer Alastor stay single in canon. I'll also be speaking under the assumption that Alastor is aroace.)

As an aroace person, I think the reason I prefer Radioapple to Radiostatic is how the ships interact with Alastor's aspec identity.

Radiostatic

I see the appeal of Radiostatic, yes, but I feel like that ship has a bigger aspec erasure issue than Radioapple does. I can't see a qpr or any very nuanced relationship working with Vox's character.

This is not to say there's a set definition of QPRs and that every relationship is the same. I, myself, am a big fan of relationship anarchy and the breaking down of traditional relationships. But, I don't think it works for Vox? It's headcanon territory, sure, this whole post is, but I feel as if his personality isn't compatible with those ideals. The way the fandom portrays his love and attraction (and what you see in the show) feels as if he knows what he wants and how he wants it. He feels sexual attraction, and that's something he very clearly desires. He's also portrayed in a "I want to be the #1 person you think of" way. He's not changing that, nor does he have to as long as he finds someone who fits that criteria.

In all the depictions of Radiostatic I've seen, it's been very sexual in nature or very heavy on the romantic aspects. I think it stems from the "they used to be friends and Vox wanted to be something more, but Alastor rejected him" headcanon. So when they're paired together, it's usually "What if Alastor didn't reject him?" and "What if he changed his mind later?" Instead of having Vox meet Alastor's needs and desires in a relationship (as he chose Alastor despite him not fufilling his needs), a lot (not all) of Radiostatic content is dependent on Alastor going back on the boundaries he set and compromising on his own sexuality.

This idea of "they weren't enough as they are, and need to be more" irks me, but it's an accurate portrayal of Vox, imo. He doesn't think what they had was good enough or what he wanted it to be, so he tried to change it. Alastor didn't want the same things he did, and he didn't like that. What Alastor was willing to offer wasn't what Vox wanted. He's unwilling to accept that and became bitter and Alastor, too, in return. While it's interesting to see how they could change and get over that and get to a point where they could work out, the way I've seen it done just doesn't hit the mark without some major tweaks to their character. Rather than experimenting with Alastor's inability to return Vox's feelings in the same capacity, people just forgo that entirely and write it so he eventually does.

I can't see the ship working out unless Vox prioritizes Alastor. Alastor's asexuality and aromanticism are disregarded so often when people are shipping him. He's always having to set aside his identity for the other person, or there's an "exception" to his sexuality. With Vox, that is so often the basis of their relationship. I don't like it. Maybe I just haven't seen enough content, but idk.

(Rest Under the Cut)

Radiosilence

It's for those same reasons that I think Radiosilence is so enjoyable.

Radiosilence is a tragedy of sorts, as is Radiostatic, but I think this version is better in that the joke is on Vox. The change has to be made on his side and not Alastor's. Alastor is not attracted to him in the same way Vox is, and that isn't an issue. He's allowed to feel that way, and that isn't his fault or wrong.

Vox's desperate pining is both sad and comedic. Vox can't always get what he wants, and it's clear that Aroace people aren't something you can "make love you" if you try hard enough. Alastor isn't playing hard to get. He does not like him like that and will not. Vox isn't willing to compromise, so he's left behind. Alastor doesn't have to compromise. He gets to live how he wants, and Vox is only an annoyance at this point. Radiosilence is such a good portrayal of aroace experiences and people who can't take no for an answer. It's so good.

Radioapple

With that being said, I am biased. I am a huge radioapple fan. Being transparent, some radioapple shippers have the same issue that Radiostatic ones do. I have seen my fair share of "Alastor's sexuality doesn't really matter in the long run" in Radioapple content. The sheer amount of "heavily sex based relationship" content despite his CANON asexuality (when they could easily get away with the "Alastor isn't canoncially Aro!" shtick instead) is astounding.

However, I've also seen so much more queerplatonic representation in this ship than I ever have before. The non-traditional romance dynamics I've seen in the fandom make me so happy. As someone who's inclined to ships that don't show affection in a "normal" way as it's easier to view them outside of typical amatonormativity, Radioapple really does it for me.

To expand on that last statement, I think it's the nature of their dynamic that offsets those shipping and sexuality issues, for the most part.

Their whole relationship starts with arguing and bickering. From the get-go, there is no preface of romance or traditional relationship development. They start off rocky yet weirdly obsessed with each other. Instead of having someone be interested in Alastor and him not reciprocating or being chased after, it starts with Alastor's interest. While that initial intrigue isn't particularly romantic, it's very personal. Alastor wants to piss Lucifer off, wants to push his buttons, and it works. All Lucifer does is fight back in earnest.

He isn't doing anything he doesn't want to do. With how they are portrayed in fandom, Alastor keeps needling him, and Lucifer pushes back. Their dynamic is built on something other than romantic chemistry. Sure, how touchy with each other and how close they get isn't typical for two people who hate each other, but theres nothing saying that can't be platonic in nature.

In what I've read, the way Radioapple develops is into a strange sort of friendship or kinship first and foremost. They don't start doing anything romantic or remotely sexual (unless you count the cannibalism / drinking Lucifers blood dynamic, but that's hardly ever an attraction thing on Alastor's side! It's usually Lucifer's attraction, which I'll get to in a moment). They still bicker constantly, and the base of their relationship is still the desire to pick each other apart, but they add things to it.

They add conversations, they add outings, they add late night bonding, or cooking, or anything else people like to include. Rather than changing either of them or their relationship entirely, they only begin to include what they are both comfortable with.

In a lot of depictions, it is Lucifer who falls first. He's the more "emotionally in touch" of the two (though he has his own issues with vulnerability that we see in Canon). There's a lot of content where he is head over heels (+ some denial and frustration) and constantly pining.

However, in a majority of these, he doesn't actually go for it. He has an understanding of Alastor's boundaries and lack of desire or inclination for relationships (even if he doesn't know it's a sexuality thing or why) and keeps his feelings to himself. And it's never portrayed as Lucifer being wrong for having these feelings for someone who is Aroace or uninterested, but rather manifests as "he wouldn't like me back and that's okay, I'll have to get over it".

In the same way that I think Vox's portrayal as "not satisfied with what him and Alastor had and wanting more" is accurate to his character, I think Lucifer's "satisfied with what him and Alastor currently have, but wants more" portrayal is accurate to him.

We see it with how he treats Charlie. It's obvious he wants a strong relationship with his daughter, but he's more than willing to cherish exactly what she's giving him. He doesn't ask for more. He tries to fulfill her needs and be there for her, but doesn't reach out for more than she'll let him. It comes with a whole load of issues with his self-esteem and mental health that's more fitting for a character analysis, but the point is that he appreciates things as they are, even if he does still wonder about what they could be.

That's what charms me about Radioapple. Lucifer is so willing to meet Alastor on his level. When they begin to reach more affectionate territory, Lucifer is naturally inclined to take it at Alastor's pace. He isn't settling, and Alastor isn't changing himself. When he does build up the will to ask for more from Alastor, he does it with compromise in mind rather than the "getting what I want" attitude you'd see in Vox.

The ship works so well with Alastor's identity because, in all honesty, you don't need to view any of their interactions as romantic. They can do things like kiss or cuddle or something that can be seen as romantic, but it can just as easily be platonic or queerplatonic.

It's easy to adjust the frequency of each activity in their relationship to how you personally view Alastor's take on it (ranging from "only does it for Lucifer on ocassion to make him happy" to "enjoys it and prefers this aspect of the relationship to others"). He can have off days where something he was comfortable with before (i.e., physical touch) isn't doing it for him or upsets him, and it's believable to think Lucifer would take that in stride. You can realistically write Lucifer having an adjustment period to Alastor's needs and habits that bring them to an understanding and still be in character.

In turn, Lucifer's efforts are recognized. It's an important part of their dynamic that Alastor is doing this because he wants to. Whether you write them as queerplatonic, romantic, or even sexual (those frequency shifts apply there too! Ranging from never to whenever the mood strikes.), Alastor is engaging of his own volition. Lucifer's respect for his needs and boundaries (as long as they're properly voiced, he's not a mind reader) lowers his guard. It allows him to consider the possibility of a relationship with him because he's already built trust!

The trust is so, so important. With Radiostatic, that trust was already broken once and needs to be rebuilt. That can be super interesting in a narrative, but Alastor is inherently someone who doesn't trust others. It would take so much work for them to get there, and Alastor sure as hell isn't the one to initiate that.

With Radioapple, Lucifer is the one to initiate that. He builds the foundation of trust and starts the "maybe this guy isn't as terrible as I thought he was" dynamic, even if unconsciously*.

(*Big fan of oblivious Lucifer who keeps thinking Alastor doing nice things is some evil plot, but begrudgingly going along with it to "figure out this guy's deal." Bonus points if it is an evil plot, but Alastor gets side tracked and ends up enjoying Lucifer's reactions, making it partially or entirely real. But thats just me.)

For Radioapple to work, Alastor doesn't have to feel sexual attraction. He doesn't have to feel romantic attraction. Hell, he can even be repulsed from either concept, and it could still work with some clear communication, labeling, and boundaries.

I didn't go too into what Alastor could want from or feel about Lucifer in this. There's a lot I could say on his lust for power, the fueling of his ego, the picking apart of a being so high above his stature, the quiet company, the understanding, and other things. The same goes for the concept of Lucifer letting Alastor treat him as he does (without respect for his status) because he enjoys being viewed as a person and not just as king. But that's because it goes a little too much into "these are the tropes I love in this ship" territory than I already have in this post. It's already very much my personal opinion, no need for more of that. This was mostly about Alastor's sexuality and shipping compatibility, after all.

Conclusion

Radiostatic is fine. Not for me, but it's cute, and I see the appeal. There's so much potential there for interesting dynamics, I just think it's better unrequited. The shippers are also so talented. Some of the art I can't help but like because it's so damn good. I can't lie. Some art has almost made me a shipper, had it not been for the reasons above. Keep it up!

Alastor's sexuality is such an intense topic in the fandom and in discourse. I'm a firm believer in do whatever the fuck you want, I'm not your boss. But I do think it's nice to see aroace rep and non-amatonormative dynamics in fandom. Even if the vessel for that is shipping. I said it earlier, but I love how well qprs are represented and how popular the tag is now on AO3. It's great.

Do I want these ships to become canon? Besides Radiosilence, absolutely not. I would like my very clear and obvious Aromantic Asexual Alastor in the show itself. I like seeing people like me on TV. I like the lack of romantic relationships. I like how openly queer he is without it being tied to sex or romance. It's refreshing.

Do I think people should use that as an argument against shipping? No. I understand the disappointment, I understand the discomfort. I feel it sometimes. But when it's done well with actual respect to his identity, I think shipping can be really fun. Curate your own experience with fandom instead of hating on others.

Like the stuff you want to see and avoid the stuff you don't. The point is to have fun and enjoy the content you like!

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Hi,

I'm trying to figure out if I'm on the aro spectrum or just having some internalized homophobia (gay trans guy). I'm asexual (apothi sexual to be specific) so I already know that. But when it comes to romance, I'm interested in it, I do experience some sort of romantic attraction, but when it comes to relationships, I don't think I'm into lovey dovey stuff (I think tenderness is quite nice but idk if I'd want it), like I want a romantic partner who's more like a friend, and I'm not that much into PDA. I don't know what this is.

There are some gray areas where it can be hard to tell if you're on the aromantic spectrum or not. And sometimes it's a case of needing more time and/or experiences to pinpoint your identity better, sometimes it's a case where it's right on the line where some people would ID as aro-spec and some wouldn't feel that they were.

This is why I really like the measure of if the label feels useful for you or is helping you (and this can be anything from making sense of your experiences, to giving you permission to navigate things your own way, etc.). Another tell can be if you don't identify with the aro-spectrum do things feel off, do you feel like you're not getting that same alloromantic experience others are, etc. It's possible you're still not experiencing the full range of that attraction, or you might be somewhere on the alterous spectrum (basically if you look at romance and platonic feelings as binaries, alterous is a non-binary option).

On the other side of things if you're finding exploring the aromantic spectrum or trying out labels feels like more trouble than it's worth, or feel like your experiences are close to alloromantic experiences, or just in general don't feel like identifying with the aromantic spectrum would be useful for you, it's totally fine to just not use it.

Sometimes these things can take time to figure out, but I'd keep coming back to that usefulness question, because it really can be the biggest tell. Often we feel more drawn towards one option or the other too, and that can be helpful too.

Another thing you might want to look into, regardless of identity, is QPRs. QPRs are any relationship that doesn't fit neatly into romance or friendship, and you can tailor them to include or not include whatever you and the person you have a QPR with want. So if you're interested in a more non-traditional relationship that feels more like friendship, but is still romantic, a QPR might be an option.

All the best, Anon! Good luck!

[spontaneousful]

Losercule Hcs!

headcanons headcanons and ideas for daring + sparrow + chase + hopper ship inspired by @ara270904 (but I added hopper, bc how can they be complete without their missing loser)

They are all such big losers, but they are drastically different types of losers and none of them think they are losers. I want to study them under a microscope.

as far as their actual relationship goes, idk bro. are they dating, are they in a qpr, closed or open relationship, are they even aware that they're into each other? all of these are equally good, so like, it just depends what i'm in the mood for honestly

When Sparrow and Chase hang out quietly, Daring and Hopper are not invited

Sparrow will hyperfocus and be very quiet when he is working on his music, writing, and planning, and doing all of the behind the scene stuff for the Merry Men. Chase will sit near him and work on thronework, text other friends, just chill, whatever.

Daring and Hopper cannot sit still. Sparrow cannot focus when they're around, because he'll see them moving in the corner of his eye, or they'll be too loud and it distracts him, because he has to know what's happening. So, they get kicked out when Sparrow is working.

Sparrow, Daring, and Hopper are all bi. Chase is panromantic asexual. The bi guys argue about who is/was/could be (based on their current relationship to each other) getting the most guys and gals and Chase just watches in amusement.

Every so often Chase will throw out the most off-the-wall bonkers take to keep them fighting about it.

Sparrow and Daring fight/compete with each other all of the time, but Hopper and Chase are in on it. They're either betting which one will win or actively participating. Chase will be the first one to realize when they've gone to far and Daring is usually the first to agree with him. Then they have to work together to defuse the Sparrow/Hopper bomb because they will keep going until the world implodes.

Daring and Chase just have more respect for rules and authority than the other two do.

Also, every time, Daring is like, 'it doesn't even matter that I have to drop out of the competition because it has gotten too extreme and it is my princely duty to maintain order. if I had continued, I would have won, because I am the best, and that's what counts.' And it pisses the other three off every time.

Sparrow and Hopper convince Daring and Chase to let them dye their hair red (somehow for some reason) and it is the most horrendous thing anyone in Ever After has ever seen. Even the natural Charming charm can't quite save Daring in this situation.

Daring and Hopper are obsessed with finding new and obscure board games to play, and all of the guys in eah know to go to their dorm room for a wacky fun time.

However, as the relationship starts to develop, the losercule ends up spending most of their time in Daring and Hopper's room. Because of this, the rest of the guys grow weary of going in there, as they do not want to be caught up in the sexual/romantic tension alone.

Soon enough, no one is showing up for game night, anymore (not even Dexter will come at Daring's request)

Daring gives Dexter the saddest puppy dog eyes known to man and he almost concedes. Instead, Dexter tells him to start setting up game nights in the one of the commonrooms instead of their dorm.

Game Night is back and better than ever

Hopper didn't like Chase at first because he saw his red color pallette and was like, 'no way is this man taking MY spot as the color red' but then Chase and Daring became friends and so he was basically Hopper's friend by association. and so he begrudingly started hanging out with him and realized he was pretty cool.

Sparrow and Hopper are workout buddies, but they actively avoid hanging out with Daring and Chase, who are inhuman when it comes to physical activity. Daring "Don't worry, with enough practice, you'll get here one day" Charming and Chase "This isn't normal?" Reford whilst doing things incomprehensible to the human mind are not invited to the workout party.

Chase and Daring go to Hocus Latte every week to try the concoction of the week. Sometimes they go together, but its usually a race to see who can get there first and then gloat about it and spoil the surprise of whatever is in the new drink. loser pays, obviously.

They all show their love physically, hugging, kissing, cuddling, fist bumps, tackling, etc

Daring is a gift giver, Chase is all about words of affirmation, Hopper likes spending quality time, and Sparrow loves with acts of service

no matter what their relationship is, everyone else knew something was there before they did. they were completely oblivious to their own feelings + each other's feelings. What if one day, one of them just woke up (in the middle of a cuddle pile) and said "I think I love you guys." and they all just went, "same."

[pfhwrittes]

Aroace 141 my beloved.

Aro Price who's qpr is his team not that he will acknowledge it. But that man is a dragon with his horde when it comes to those he trusts. But never has more then the occasional one night stand because most people don't understand.

Greysexual Gaz who needs to build that trust and love before he even thinks about doing more than just kissing his partner. It hurts when he realizes most people don't want to wait that long. But he would rather be true to himself than live inauthenticity.

Demi aro Soap who is the perfect one night stand never asks for your number but makes sure you have breakfast in the morning and don't feel used. Who rarely realizes he's in love and normally it's with his teammates. Who's had to put up with people trying to change him and force their love upon him it makes his teeth grit.

Aroace Ghost who had a therapist tell him once he's broken this way because of his trauma he never went back. He refuses to accept any kind of bond or relationship until the 141 then with the damn Scot who breaks his mile high walls. Realizes how much more there is to life beyond a "relationship" like the ones on tv.

(I'm not a dog who needs their pills wrapped in peanut butter)

c’mere anon because you deserve flowers and nice socks and a beverage of the perfect temperature.

absolutely yes to all of these! completely obsessed with all of these headcanons of yours and i can feel myself going “oh yeah, i’m adopting those ideas.”

and no, you don’t need your pills slipped in peanut butter. you NEVER need your pills slipped in peanut butter. you are NOT broken just because you don’t want or need sex or romance OR if you do want/need sex or romance under specific circumstances. you are not broken if you don’t know what those circumstances are.

i’m just going to get a bit personal under the cut if that’s okay, anon.

i’ve recently learned that i’m aro. i had an inkling but i always denied it because i’ve been in romantic relationships before. and then the introspection started.

was i happy in those relationships? not particularly. do i understand those feelings of “the one”? not really. i understand infatuation. i understand feeling so sexually attracted to someone it feels like i might burn up if they didn’t touch me or if i didn’t get to touch them. but the sticking around part? no. that fills me with dread and anxiety now.

i’m not actually good at being in a relationship. i don’t understand making a fuss about anniversaries. i don’t actually know when to say “i love you” to a partner. i am capable of love, i know i am because i love my friends and i love some of my family but i don’t really get the being in love thing so it makes it difficult.

i have two decade long FWB things going on. i have another that’s about 7(?) years old at this point. at no point during these friendships (because they are friendships, we just fuck occasionally) have i ever thought “god, i really wish i could be their person. i wish i could be around them all the time. my life would be complete if they just stayed.” because i don’t feel that way! i love the weekends we have together, i love cooking for them and messing around on the sofa. i love tumbling into bed with them. but when they leave? there’s a moment where i heave a sigh of relief and i put my life back together after they’ve left.

the thought of having someone with me all the time? terrifying. the thought of buying a house with someone terrifies me. the thought of being legally bound to them? my worst nightmare.

my happiest relationship was with S. we lived an hour apart and had no intention of moving in together. we were poly so i could still see my FWBs and they could go on dates with people they wanted to get to know better. and when they broke up with me because they wanted to be monogamous with D? i breathed a sigh of relief (and then i was very VERY sad because i realised we wouldn’t get to be as good friends any more and we wouldn’t be able to fuck any more).

so yeah. hello, my name is p and i learned i was aro at the age of 28.

[spro-o]

Heey i have question that has been on my mind for some time now, this question is more what I heard not really my own opinion. But anyways is lancelot x tristan/ban x meliodas even good ship? I seen some many talk about how theos two ships are baf because for Lancelot and Tristan they have no real relationship in canon or what so ever. Coming to ban x meliodas they more like best friends. Is that true?🤔 I very cousfed if it rignt to ship or not.

hello!! okay im gonna ramble a bit cuz i love yapping about this kinda stuff and dont wanna clog up any feeds, so ill add a 'read further' here :3

i feel like its not very surprising that i do think both ships are good (especially melban). i think that for both of them- yes, they can definitely be read as just being friendships and nothing more than that, but i guess the charm of shipping and headcanons is that you can add in your own interpretations and additions which you think feel right :3

a lot of the interactions between mel and ban, for example, i read as being pretty homoerotic/gay. thats mostly because, as a gay/queer guy myself, i find myself relating a lot to the stuff they do together when comparing it to me and my bf, and also because they are my favourite characters and headcanoning them as being the same sexuality (and gender) that i am is like a little golden sticker saying "fav character" (godbless projection onto your blorbos).

in general, i think its pretty common consensus, at least in my circles, that ships dont have to stick 100% to what the canon says/shows, and you can always add in your own ideas or headcanons to create a relationship either between your favourite characters, or one which you think would be interesting to see, or just one which you think would provide a fun/interesting addition to the story. and in my case, its all of those - i really just adore the dynamic meliodas and ban have, and in addition to my gay reading of a lot of their interactions with one another, it just feels right and fun to ship them (this applies to lancetris as well, but to a slightly lesser extent/not exactly the same)

so yeah, thats my stance on it!! i really like lancetris and adore melban, and i think (considering how much reconning has happened on the fandom's part towards nakaba's,,,, decisions,,,,) it doesnt do harm to read certain friendships as having romantic or sexual under- or overtones

i also feel like i should mention that i only really ship lancetris and melban in separate circumstances, if that makes sense - like, i ship melban a lot harder than lancetris, so whenever i do make any ship art of them (lancetris), i think of meliodas' and ban's relationship like more of a qpr than a fully romantic one, just cuz i feel like it makes it better??? more likely??? less weird?? idk if im making much sense here, but yeah, so thats sm (i guess i also just wanted to state that to clear anything up, cuz i do know how having ship art of both lancetris and melban could come off as kinda weird to some, but idk, maybe im overthinking it (￣▽￣)")

[dreamsofanenbysapphic]

arospec

a poem(?), a collection of ideas, things i have been thinking about, about relationships and the platonic/romantic binary

some citations:

arospec wiki sources, amatonormativity, instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy, my favorite poem by alok vaid-menon, aromantic manifesto, amatopunk

full text below the cut:

screenshotted text from various sources over a galaxy background, spread across two images:

arospec, is an umbrella term

People on the aromantic spectrum may feel little to no romantic attraction, or feel romantic attraction differently, more rarely or

Loveless Aro describes someone who is some way disconnected from the concept of love, rejects the idea that they need to experience love

Quoiromantic (also called WTFromantic experiences may include:

Finding the concept of romance to be inaccessible, inapplicable, or nonsensical.

the questioning itself

becomes the identity

Disidentifying with the concept of romantic attraction - either as a social construct or as something potentially applicable to oneself.

a disidentification with the romantic/nonromantic binary,

They may consider themselves relationship anarchists.

Amatonormativity

to describe the widespread assumption that everyone is better off in an exclusive, romantic, long-term coupled relationship, and that everyone is seeking such a relationship.

[elizabeth brake]

Due to the ambiguous nature of romantic attraction, sometimes defined by the actions that one takes during a relationship, such as holding hands, kissing, or cuddling. However, none of these activities alone necessarily indicate romantic attraction.

The prefix nebula- comes from the Latin word nebulous, meaning "clouded" or "unclear".

Queerplatonic relationships (QPR) and queerplatonic partnerships (QPP) are committed intimate relationshisp which are not romantic

This way of thinking is also one that places certain relationships above others, such as Romantic relationships being viewed as 'above' or 'superior' to Platonic relationships. If two people are dating they are 'more than friends'. If they aren't dating then they're 'just friends'.

Amatonormativity prompts the sacrifice of other relationships to romantic love and marriage and relegates friendship and solitudinousness to cultural invisibility.

Amatopunk!

challenges amatonormativity, and how society views aspec people, polyamorous people, and others who do not fit into the "right" mold.

Relationship Anarchy (abbreviated RA) is the belief that relationships should not be bound by set rules, aside from the rules the individuals involved mutually agree upon.

sensualarians have relationships that are often "in between" typical relationships categories, whereas relationship anarchy completely breaks down all relationship categories

Relationship anarchy questions the idea that love is a limited resource

i want a world where friendship is appreciated as a form of romance. i want a world where when people ask if we are seeing anyone we can list the names of all of our best friends

[alok vaid-menon, friendship is romance]

queer liberation must abolish romance as its long term goal aromantics aspire to:

view queer intimacies as web-like counter-publics that reinforce rather than compete with and enervate each other.

transform queer intimacy into political solidarity and action.

[aromantic manifesto]

Relationship anarchy (sometimes abbreviated RA) is the application of anarchist principles to intimate relationships. Its values include autonomy, anti-hierarchical practices, anti-normativity, and community interdependence. RA is explicitly anti-amatonormative and anti-mononormative and is commonly, but not always, non-monogamous.

With one's relationships starting as a blank slate, the act of distributing physical intimacy, sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, etc. is according to one's desires rather than preexisting "rules"

Queerness is a longing that propels us onward, beyond romances of the negative and toiling in the present. Queerness is that thing that lets us feel that this world is not enough, that indeed something is missing.

[josé estabon muñoz, cruising utopia]

[smolbeanie1221]

Being aroace spec can be so confusing

My first relationship was with a girl, and I kinda just went along with what she wanted to do bc I figured, well she’s enjoying it so I must be enjoying this too… I didn’t mind anything we did, I just didn’t care or think about it.

Second relationship was with a guy, and at this point my mom had made me feel incredibly guilty for having been with a girl before, joys of being afab in a religious family and the first person you date is a girl. And he was… definitely pushy. Again tho, I just went along with it bc I figured, well he wants to do this and I just have to be bi so there’s a chance I’ll be a normal girl and end up with a guy someday so I have to be enjoying this too… Yeah I definitely was feeling a lot of pressure there.

At this point, I had not felt actual sexual attraction towards anyone, and I don’t think I was ever romantically in love with either of those people.

Third relationship was with a guy who was also one of my best friends. We were kinda dating for a summer and it was a better relationship than the previous, but in the end we went back to just being friends and it was better that way.

At this point, I’m very confused, but I discover this wonderful thing called ASEXUALITY. And everything suddenly made sense. Except for one small thing.

Fourth relationship that never actually became a relationship. I was in some type of love with a different best friend, I would say demi/sapio-romantic (romantically attracted because of both an emotional and mind connection basically). But he was definitely aromantic, but allosexual. I was romantically attracted to him, but asexual… right??? For years I was confused because I wanted an actual official relationship and I would’ve been more than okay with sleeping with him. But… that can’t be sexual attraction?? I’m ace?? Right?? Ahhhhhh. Yeah so I was very confused around him. Turns out, I’m actually demi-ace, but I didn’t realize that until years later after I lost contact with him, and I’ve been too scared to reach out to him lol. Anyways I have a gf now anyways. And that’s been the only time that the demi part of my ace-ness has come out, pun intended lol.

Actual fourth relationship. Definitely romantic and completely non-sexual. Really good relationship for over a year, and that partner helped me become more comfortable with my gender identity and we both were ace and it was really good for a while. It just wasn’t a relationship that was built to grow, so eventually we drifted apart.

Fifth relationship. A non-romantic and non-sexual relationship. Lasted less than a year, but made me realize that I was also aro spec bc being in a relationship that did not have romantic or sexual expectations felt so comfortable and right.

Sixth relationship. The one that broke my heart. My other best friend in that time frame, we were incredibly close and bonded over everything, from our mental health struggles to books to sheetz runs to everything. Eventually we officially were boyfriends in a qpr. They were my number one person for so long, my life partner. There was never anything romantic or sexual, but we loved each other deeply. Until life happened and they changed and I had to break up with them and got my heart broken.

All of these took place from late middle school to early college by the way. I went from, oh I’m a girl and I like girls! To, shit I can’t like girls so I have to like boys too bc I have to be bisexual at least. To, ohhhh so I can actually not want to sleep with people and that’s normal too?? So I’m nonbinary and asexual? That makes sense. To, why why if I’m ace would I be more than okay sleeping with him??? To, huh i think I’m aro spec too. To, okay I’m definitely aro spec, probably demi-aro technically and… probably demi-ace too? Yeah that’s probably right.

At the same time, I didn’t feel as tho romantic was necessarily the right word for me. I mean I’ve experienced romantic attraction I think, but it usually felt kinda forced by either my partner’s expectations or by society’s expectations. I think that’s why my non-romantic non-sexual relationships felt so comfortable to me, bc there wasn’t any of that expectation. I have no freaking idea what romantic attraction really feels like to me. I’ve experienced it I think (??), but for several reasons including outside expectations and general-emotional-processing-issues at those times, I have a hard time knowing any emotions I was feeling at that time in my life. The “butterflies” and “spacey eyed” and “gooey lovey” feelings I felt could’ve been romantic, sure. But they could’ve also been someone who was heavily emotionally repressed all their life just being happy to have someone that they loved who loved them back and getting excited over how cute they were and enjoying their rambles and just generally being happy with someone and also liking some physical contact like hugs and cuddles bc physical touch is their love language with everyone and they like hugs with everyone they care about, and it wasn’t necessarily romantic…..

I get a similar feeling to “butterflies” when I’m nervous about something or excited to see someone in my family I haven’t seen for a while bc I love them and am excited and happy. Not necessarily a “romantic indicator”. I get “spacey eyed” all the time, and usually it’s bc I’m obsessing over my latest fanfic idea. Again, not a “romantic indicator”. I get “gooey lovey” feelings when I see an adorable animal, when someone in my family or close friend group does something really sweet for me or I’m really happy to see them or I get a hug from anyone I love. Once again, not a “romantic indicator”.

Because of all this, I have settled on alterous as my general term for the type of attraction I have with people I have or wanted to date. Alterous to me means this: “I want to be with you and talk with you and do everything with you, I just don’t care how it looks for us or how we categorize ourselves.” I would also attach romance-inclined or sex-inclined as a prefix type thing when applicable. Fourth relationship that never actually happened? Sex and romance-inclined alterous. Fourth actual relationship? Romance-inclined alterous. This doesn’t actually mean that I will feel romantic or sexual attraction or interest or desire with someone, but I may be inclined to want aspects of that type of relationship and I might have those actual feelings from time to time.

The partner that I have now, seventh relationship for those counting lol. This relationship feels stronger and better than any that I’ve had in the past. There’s no pressure or expectation about sex, and she knows that I’m on the aro spectrum, so there’s no romantic pressure either. At the same time, I love the romantic type aspects we have, but I can’t with any certainty say that my feelings are romantic, or at least not romantic all the time. But I feel about her differently than I have about anyone else. There’s several possible reasons, but one main thing I think is that I’m now in a healthier place emotionally so I can better feel and process all my emotions, including my feelings towards her.

Anyways, at this point I would say I’m aroace spec. Demi-altrose (alterous, romantic, sexual).