#save me dirk gently

[jus-alilcomforblelad]

falling into the abyss of television static like in that one episode

[urlocallesbiab]

a dghda s2/s3 theory: the universe meant for amanda to become an omniscient master of backstage knowledge, and friedkin took that place instead of her through a series of mistakes

(this post gets Very Long, but you can scroll right to the end for a TL;DR)

now, allow me to provide some context before i delve into an explanation

first, a precursory theory: if suzie boreton died like she was meant to, then lord triangle badevil would have became the mage's apprentice

in s2ep1 bart makes a choice not to kill suzie, even though she feels like she should; and then throughout the season the fact that suzie isn't meant to be a part of things is alluded to:

1) in the end of s2ep8 dirk gives his usual Case Solved speech where he explains how everything is connected, but he doesn't know how suzie boreton figures into things; she's not, technically, a part of his case

2) in s2ep10 todd asks her who is she and why is she there, and accuses her of being "some mom from montana", which further drives the point home

3) king francis has no knowledge of her either, even though he seems to be able to know relevant things that he could neither witness nor hear about (like farah and tina defeating the mage)

so, suzie's boreton entire character arc exists by mistake; and yet the prophecy (as foretold by wakti wapnasi, and as spoken by panto trost in s2ep3) makes a point about the great dark wizard finding his apprentice — that means that role was meant for someone.

lord triangle badevil is a mysterious figure who plays a significant role in the plot (his men kidnap farson and later amanda in s2ep4, he kills farson and thus causes a massive shoot-out in s2ep7, and he kills some people in his attempts to stop the prophecy in eps 9 and 10), and yet we know infuriatingly little about him, his goals and his views, like he was meant to be explored but got forgotten about.

he has markings on his face (pitch-black with negative-space geometrical figures) which are never discussed, but seem to be the same sort of marks that appear on arms of both the mage and suzie boreton from magic overuse, and that seems to suggest that he is, in some way, a magic user, or at least was exposed to magic somehow.

all things considered, i propose that lord triangle badevil, a mysterious actor of evil and supposedly a magic user, was meant to be the prophecied apprentice & the big bad, but got displaced by suzie, who wound up in the narrative by mistake.

next, an observation: wendimoor's magic, pararibulitis and backstage are closely linked

it's not much of a novel revelation, but i'm trying to be thorough, so here

— both amanda&todd and later friedkin could access backstage through the magical portals between earth and wendimoor

— most powerful beings of wendimoor (wakti wapnasi, the great witch; king francis) seem to be omniscient or close to, and omniscience is a backstage characterestic

(they both know things about earth they shouldn't be able to know, like wakti about amanda's name, or francis about farah&tina's win over the mage; and metaphysical things that are nigh impossible to be logically derived from facts, like holistics being the tools to fix the broken universe)

— pararibulitis expresses itself as tangible magic within wendimoor, and is tied to wielding the water/portals and to the visions

— visions are also a form of mystical knowledge, and thus could be sourced from backstage

(the exact reasons of how/why the connection between wendimoor and backstage could've happened have no bearing on this post, but so far my working theory is that the explosive creation of a whole new layer of reality pushed at the borders of the universe and stretched them/thinned them out, and that's why it's easier to slip from the material world of the universe to the immaterial not-world of the backstage when in wendimoor)

now, a couple of tidbits about amanda and the mandelbrot set:

— her name, amanda brotzman, is a pun on "mandelbrot set" (the showrunner talked about this somewhere; i don't know the source, i've learned about this somewhere in the ao3 comment section)

— mandelbrot set's visualisation is the shape that appears in people's eyes when they're backstage

— it's the same shape as on amanda's s2 jacket

— it's a recurring shape in her visions

(a tangent: now, i don't know much about mathematics so forgive me if i get the words wrong, but mandelbrot set's boundary is a fractal curve, meaning that if you zoom into the mandelbrot set's visualisation's border, you'll find more of the same shape, ad infinitum. this fun quality of the set has no bearing on this specific post and theories within it, but i think such a plot-important shape having this "as above, so below" flair to it could have meaning for the pontetial s3 plot)

— the prophecy mentions she-who-sees-all who was supposed to open a door into a dream, allowing through it dirk gently and the boy; that most probably references amanda, her visions and her ability to create portals through water

finally, the theory:

— amanda brotzman, mandelbrot set, visions, pararibulitis, wendimoor magic and backstage are all interconnected

— amanda was supposed to be she who sees all; backstage seems to have granted hugo friedkin omniscience

— stangely, amanda didn't see any higher meaning in the stars when she was there, and her eyes were the same color as todd's; when friedkin got there, his eyes were red, and he was enlightened

— there were a couple of things different about how amanda and hugo accessed backstage: amanda got there only mentally while her body was elsewhere, she was there together with todd, and she was alive; hugo's body fell through the portal, he was alone, and he was either dead or dying. any of those things, i think, could be what allowed him to connect to the backstage's knowledge. (my personal interpretation is that it's the part about dying, just to sprinkle more angst and terror into amanda's s3 conflict over it)

— hugo got into that predicament (alone, dying, pushed physically through a portal) because he was grievously wounded by lord badevil; if lord wasn't there, none of that would've happened. and as i have argued above, i believe that lord badevil wasn't supposed to be there! it's a chain reaction of displacement — suzie took lord badevil's place, he ended up killing hugo, and hugo took amanda's place

TL;DR: suzie boreton was never meant to survive bart, she displaced lord triangle badevil as the mage's apprentice, lord wound up on earth and killed hugo, hugo fell through the portal and became the master of the knowledge that amanda was supposed to be, displacing her.

we can suspect that the place was reserved for amanda because of the ties between pararibulitis, magic, her, mandelbrot set and backstage, and because she was canonically refered to as "she who sees all"

[feral--opossum]

Wygar used to be the best swordsman in the land... He didn't take kindly to Panto taking his title.

[theywhowriteandknowthings]

The Kilt Stays on | John “Soap” MacTavish x AFAB/Female!Reader

Summary: You and Johnny attend a wedding together. You fuck. That’s it. Fluffy Smut. W/C: 3,657 [AO3] Warnings: semi-public sex, car sex, fingering, praise, the kilt stays on, unprotected PiV (no mention of BC, wrap it up in real life folks), established relationship, idiots in love, confessions, voyeurism, voyeuristic badgers. Thank you @noxturnalpascal and @angelofsmalldeath-codeine for doing beta and proofing work for me <3 ILU.

CoD Masterlist

18+ content below the cut, NSFW, minors DNI.

“Johnny!” You call from the hotel bedroom as you smooth down your dress, letting out a heavy sigh as you look yourself over in the mirror for what must have been the hundredth time this morning. 

“What’s up, hen?” Soap asks as he pushes the door open with a broad palm. You look over your shoulder and your heart skips a beat as you see him in his finery. 

He’s wearing a kilt in his family tartan, poppy-red with differing shades of blue interlocking in the traditional weave. His matching Fly Plaid affixed on his left shoulder, accenting his black kilt jacket and waistcoat as it flows over his shoulder and down his back. 

A black bowtie dangles loosely from his neck where he’s clearly tried and failed multiple times to tie it himself. Your eyes wander down to the sporran and you can’t help but wonder if Johnny had followed tradition to the letter and forgone underwear. 

“I need help with my zip,” you say as you catch his bright eyes looking you up and down in a perfect mirror to your wandering gaze. 

“Funny,” he says with a chuckle as he closes the distance and lets his hands trail up your sides, “I need a hand with my tie, how ‘bout we do a trade?”

His fingers skirt up to your ribs and you sigh, leaning back against his hard form as he reaches around to cup your breasts gently. His mouth finds the side of your neck as his stubble scrapes delightfully against your skin. 

“Johnny,” you moan as he hums contentedly, sucking softly as he noses against your neck, “Come on, stop fooling around, we���ve got a wedding to get to.” 

“Mmm,” he hums as he teases his tongue against you, trailing his hot mouth up until his teeth sink into the soft flesh of your earlobe, “Not like it’s our wedding, ‘can afford to be late.” 

“MacTavish,” you whine as he slides his right palm down over your sternum, sweeping over the curve of your stomach, “I mean it.” 

“I know, hen,” he growls against the shell of your ear as he slowly retreats his thick fingers from your body, “You just look so bloody good.” 

The metallic slide of your zip being pulled taut brings you back to your senses as you look at Johnny in the mirror. The pair of you are a picture, a glimmer in each of your eyes, you smile at him before turning to help him with his tie. 

“You look rather handsome yourself,” you admit, looking him up and down as you finish up his tie, “Even if you shouldn’t be wearing a dirk in public, Johnny.” 

“It’s ceremonial,” he protests as you lean down to snatch it from his sock. 

“Yeah?” You challenge as you inspect the blade with your thumb, the scrape of the sharp blade against the grain of your fingerprint proves your point, “It’s an offensive weapon, John.” 

“Aye,, do you have to say John like that?” He pouts and you hand him the blade, handle towards him, “Besides, I am an offensive weapon, blade or nae.” 

“I know you are,” you roll your eyes playfully as he reseats the knife into its sheath, “Save it for the reception, yeah?”

“Anything you say, love.” 

~*~

You’re swaying on the dance floor, shoes long discarded, as tiny feet rest atop your own. The flower girl, Anna, is one of the few kids still awake, her bouncy curls swaying with every movement as you move her around. 

“You have a good day?” You ask as you smile down at the young lady, she’s one of Gaz’ nieces and she took a shine to you from the moment the wedding reception kicked off. 

“The best,” she says with a big yawn, the events of the day finally catching up with her it seems, “I ate so much food.” 

“Me too sweetie, me too,” you say as you cast your gaze around the pavilion. It must be late, most guests have left, and Gaz and his bride absconded at least an hour ago. 

“Think it’s time for you to head to bed,” you hear Anna’s dad say from behind you and you slowly spin around, Anna’s little feet still glued to yours. 

“But, dad!” Anna groans in protest but when she looks up at you, she’s met with a raised brow. 

“I think your dad knows best, kid,” you say with a soft smile, “But thank you for the dance.”

“Thanks for looking after her,” her father says with tired eyes. 

“No bother,” you wave him off as you hear a loud roar of laughter from a table behind you, “I’ve got a Scotsman to send to bed, so wish me luck.” 

Anna’s dad gives you a sympathetic look before scooping her up into his arms and carrying her off to bed. You slip your shoes back on before scanning the nearly empty pavilion for Johnny. 

You turn to see a throng of familiar faces sat at a table near the far edge of the marquee. Price and Simon are shaking their heads as Johnny splays out in a chair, kilt draped across his lap as he looks over at you. The moment he sees you, he downs the last of the amber liquid in his glass before mumbling something to the other men. You watch a blush spread up the back of his neck as Simon says something you don’t quite catch. You almost don’t want to know. 

“Hey,” Johnny says with a slight slur to his voice as he wraps his arms around your waist, tugging you firm against him as he presses his lips to yours.

You gasp as his tongue darts across your bottom lip, your arms loop around his neck as you lick into his mouth. He groans at your dominance as you taste whiskey and cigars. You press your front against his, smiling at the jingle of his sporran as he pulls back to look down at you with lust-blown eyes. 

“Take me to bed, lass?” He whispers as he rubs his nose against yours. 

A sharp wolf whistle form Price jolts you out of the moment and you flip him off over Johnny’s shoulder, just as you hear Simon yell “Get a room!”

“Should do as we’re told,” Johnny chuckles as he presses a kiss to the corner of your mouth, “I’m not one for disobeying orders.” 

“You’re a terrible liar, Johnny,” you say with a sigh as you step out of his embrace, holding your hand out to him with a sly smile on your face, “But yes, for once, do as you’re telt.” 

“Yes, ma’am.”

“God, I hate it when you call me that,” you say as you pull your phone out of your purse, booking a taxi as you lead Johnny through the venue’s gardens. 

“Force of habit, lass,” Johnny chuckles as he wraps his arm around your shoulder, “Strong women are my weakness.” 

The crunch of loose stones beneath your feet and the soft calls of owls fills the silence as you lean against him. As ever, he’s positively radiating heat, keeping you warm from the chill of the night air. He smells of the aftershave you bought him for his birthday, mixed with the tang of cigars and whisky and his own natural musk. You breathe him in as you feel your chest flutter, you’re in love with John MacTavish, you’ve known it for a while now. But never have you felt it more in this moment, alone under the stars, walking along a moonlit garden path.

“Hey, Johnny?” You say, voice barely above a whisper as your phone vibrates, alerting you that the taxi is waiting for you at the end of the path ahead. 

“Aye?” He turns his head to look at you, cerulean eyes swimming with affection as his lips turn up into an instinctive smile. 

You want to tell him now, profess your love to him under the starry sky.

“Thank you for asking me to come to the wedding,” you chicken out last minute, and he gives you a look, as if he knows that’s not what you were going to say. 

“I mean,” Johnny says ponderously as he scratches his stubble with his free hand, “Ghost already had an invitation, so I couldn’t exactly ask him…” He trails off, face neutral, as you narrow your eyes at him. 

But any anger quickly melts away as you see the smirk threatening to break out on his face the longer you scowl. 

“You’re a right pain in the arse sometimes, John,” You huff as you give him a taste of his own medicine, shrugging off his shoulder as you stride ahead, waving at the taxi driver as you make a beeline for the car. 

“Aw, hen,” he calls after you as he quickly matches your pace, grabbing you by the wrist and spinning you to face him, “Dinnae fash, I was kidding.” 

You fall into his arms, pliable and willing as you grin up at him. The worried knot in his brow eases as he realises your ruse. 

“You’re a devil,” he growls as he cups your cheek with his right hand, framing the side of your face as he dips his head down, “You know you mean the world to me,” your name slips from his lips, and you nod slowly. 

“I know Johnny,” you whisper, “I know.” 

Your lips fuse together and your arms loop around the back of his neck as you let him claim your mouth with his tongue. His free hand presses flat against the base of your spine as he holds you to him. 

It’s heavy, charged with emotion as you feel the scrape of his coarse facial hair on your skin. Your tongues slide over one another as you groan into Johnny’s mouth. The beep of the taxi’s horn cuts the moment short. 

You part, lips swollen and glistening as you pant into each other’s mouths. 

“C’mon, Johnny, I need you,” you whisper against his lips as you glance towards the car, “And I’m not letting you fuck me in a bush again.” 

“C’mon, it wasn’t so bad,” Johnny chuckles, but relinquishes his grip on you, instead keeping his hand at the small of your back as he guides you to the cab, “Besides, I thought being peeped on by a badger was kind of hot.” 

“You’re gone in the head, Johnny,” you laugh as you let him open the door for you, “I’ve never been able to look at badgers the same again.”

Johnny simply shakes his head as he chuckles, shutting the door behind you before walking around to the driver’s side window. You arch an eyebrow  as he whispers something to the guy in the front seat before handing him a handful of notes. 

“Johnny MacTavish,” you say with accusation in your tone as he slips into the seat next to you, “What on earth-?” 

You yelp as he pulls you onto his lap in one swift motion, you feel heat prickle over your cheeks as you feel his bare thighs on your own. 

“Shh,” he coos as you feel his hands push up the fabric of your dress, bunching it up around your hips, exposing your lace panties to him, “Driver’s happy for us to fool around, just no getting come on the seats.” 

“Johnny!” You slap his chest in admonishment as you look down to see his kilt bunched up around his thighs, his cock erect and leaking as he grins up at you, “This is so wrong.” 

“Tellin’ me this doesn’t get you even a little wet, hen?” He hums as he trails his broad hands back down to your knees. His thumbs swirling patterns up your inner thighs as you feel the car lurch forward. You tremble above him as you feel arousal licking through your veins like fire. 

“You know it does,” you whisper, not wanting to make too much noise with the driver directly behind you, “Christ, Johnny.” 

You whine as his hands find their way back up to the apex of your thighs. His coarse thumbs brushing against either side of the drenched fabric of your panties as your eyes roll into the back of your head. You brace your hands on his shoulders as you lean forward, foreheads pressed together as you slowly relax. 

“There you go,” Johnny whispers as he brings one hand up to take your chin between his thumb and forefinger, “Such a good lass,” he says, his voice thick with desire as he slips his free hand under the flimsy lace. 

You gasp as he slips two fingers through your slick folds, bumping over your clit rhythmically as you bite your lip. 

“Kiss me,” he commands in a hoarse whisper, and you moan into his mouth as he slides his fingers from your chin, wrapping his hand around to the back of your neck. He pulls you down to crash his lips into yours as his middle and ring finger ease the gusset of your panties aside. 

“Johnny,” you pant into his mouth as his thick digits ease into your tight cunt, “Fuck.” 

“Shh,” he hushes as he pulls your bottom lip between his teeth, pulling just hard enough to make you whine, “Y’take me so well, gorgeous,” he growls before pressing his thumb down hard on your clit. 

You feel like your body is on the brink of shattering as you vaguely register the dark, peaceful countryside outside the windows blurring into the bright lights of the city.

You’re almost at the hotel. 

You grasp for Johnny’s cock, your fingers ghost along his precome smeared tip for a second before he snatches your wrist, letting go of your neck as he tuts at you. 

“Not yet,” he admonishes you as he moves your sticky fingers to rest on his Fly Plaid, “Can’t risk coming until we’re out of the cab.” 

“Fucking need you, Johnny,” you whine as you feel the way your walls clench around his thick fingers, you’re so close. 

“Come like this for me,” he says with a hum as he swipes his thumb back and forth over your swollen bud, “Hurry babe, we’re almost there.” 

You kiss Johnny, a flurry of tongues and teeth as you add to the friction by fucking yourself on the digits impaled in you. Your teeth knock against his as you come hard, a desperate whine escaping the back of your throat as he continues to pump his fingers up into you. 

“Good girl,” he coos in your ear as you drop your head to his shoulder, “Good fucking girl.”

“We’re here,” the gruff voice of the cab driver makes you yelp, like ice water sliding down your spine as you remember where you are. 

“Thanks, Drive,” Johnny says cheerily, as if his fingers aren’t currently sliding out of your cunt. He pulls your panties back into place with a wolfish grin on his face as you feel the tips of your ears burning with embarrassment and arousal.  

“Y-yeah,” you breathe shakily as you slide off Johnny’s lap, “Have a good night.” 

The driver scoffs noncommittally as you clamber out of the cab, your panties clinging to your drenched folds as you stumble onto the pavement. 

“You’re an absolute menace, MacTavish,” you hiss as you watch him awkwardly adjust himself under his kilt. The tenting material beyond conspicuous without underwear to keep his cock contained. 

“Yeah, and you fuckin’ love it,” he purrs as he slaps your ass, “Come on, let’s get moving, I might get arrested for public indecency like this.” 

“Fucking hell,” you laugh as you push him inside, the two of you giggling as the clerk at the front desk raises an eyebrow at you both. She quickly notices the tenting in Johnny’s kilt and smirks before winking at you. You grin back sheepishly before pressing the call button for the elevator. 

Johnny pushes you through the doors as soon as they open, pinning you against the back wall as his lips find your neck. 

“Looked fuckin’ stunning tonight,” he rasps against your skin in between wet drags of his tongue and hard sucks against your pulse point that threaten to leave marks, “Was at half-mast most of the damn day, d’ya know how hard that is to hide in a kilt?” 

His tone is feverish as he nips at your earlobe, groaning as you trail a hand up his thigh, feeling under his kilt. 

“Isn’t that what a Sporran’s for?” you ask with a groan as you finally wrap your hand around his length. Soft, velvet foreskin gliding under your touch as you pump him slowly. You don’t care that you’re still a few floors from your room, there’s even a little thrill at the thought someone might walk in. 

“Sassy fucken’ mouth,” he growls as he nips at your jaw, his stubble catching on your skin as you press your cheek against his. 

“You love it,Johnny,” you whine as you feel the elevator shudder to a halt, two floors before yours. 

The doors glide open, and you look on in horror to see a group of men in their twenties appear before you. 

“Take the next one!” Soap barks as he looks over his shoulder, you catch the fire in his eyes, and you can’t help but shiver at the way his body presses harder against you. It’s possessive, protective, as he bucks his hips into your hand. The doors close again as you hear the hollers of encouragement from the young men as the elevator continues its ascent. 

You arrive at your floor, stumbling out together with breathy giggles and barely concealed groans. You fall over the threshold of your room, mouths fused together as Johnny kicks the door closed behind you. 

You fall back onto the freshly made bed and pull Johnny down on top of you, parting your legs wide, granting him access as he practically crushes you into the mattress. He starts to pull off his jacket and Fly Plaid, but you stop him. Your hands circling his wrists as he looks down at you with exasperation. 

“Fuck me like this,” you breathe as you lower his hands down to your hips, “Keep the kilt on.” 

“Don’t have to tell me twice, love,” he groans as he yanks your panties down and off, flinging them somewhere in the room before lining himself at your core. 

“Fuck me, please, Johnny,” you plead as he runs his tip through your drenched folds. 

“So fucken’ wet,” he groans as he bumps your clit with his tip before guiding it back to your entrance, “Didn’t know you were such an exhibitionist, hen.” 

“Jonny, please,” you mewl as you buck your hips up, pushing his tip inside you. 

“So needy,” he rasps as he buries himself inside you in one desperate thrust. 

You cry out at the stretch; you’re impaled on his thick length and your vision blurs at the edges as he splits you open. 

“Touch yourself, hen, I’m not gonna last long,” Johnny growls as he falls forward, elbows either side of your head as he captures your lips in his. 

You moan into his mouth as he slides his tongue past your lips, licking into your mouth as he drags his thick cock almost all the way out before snapping his hips back down into you. You slip your dominant hand down to your clit and rub at the swollen bundle of nerves in earnest as he pounds into you at a desperate pace. 

“Looked so fucken’ sexy today,” Johnny rambles in your ear as he pulls back, gasping for air as he locks eyes with you, “Couldn’t stop imagining you impaled on this cock.” 

The wet sound of skin slapping against skin fills your ears as you feel the burning heat rip down your spine as your orgasm builds. Johnny’s breath is hot on your face as his pace begins to falter, he’s close. You redouble the pressure on your clit as you chase your own release.

“Where’d you want me?” He pants as he ruts into you with erratic, devastating force. 

“Inside Johnny, fill me up,” you beg and that does it. 

You feel the tight twist in your navel as you come hard, your cunt squeezing hard around Johnny’s cock as he buries himself deep inside you as he comes. You scream as you feel euphoria wash over you, the hot pulse of Johnny’s come coating your walls has you floating as your back arches off the bed. 

You wrap your ankles around his waist as you pull him in closer, making him groan in your ear as he collapses on top of you. 

“Fuck,” you breathe as Johnny’s weight presses down onto you, almost suffocatingly heavy as you press soft kisses to his temple. 

“Yeah, fuck,” he responds breathily as he nuzzles into your neck. 

Eventually you peel yourselves apart, making sure to pee and wash up before diving under the covers and nestling against Johnny’s chest as his strong arms wrap around you. 

“I love you,” he breathes against the crown of your head as he places tender kisses in the wake of his words. 

“I love you too, Johnny,” you sigh as you loop your leg over his hips, nipping gently at his chest as you nuzzle your nose into the tight curls of his chest hair, “Was going to say it earlier.” 

“I know, didn’t want to push,” he sighs as he trails his fingertips down your arm, sending goosebumps rippling across your skin, “Just needed you to know I feel the same.” 

“You’re a sweet man, Johnny,” you smile as you take his nipple between your lips and hum.

“Only for you, lass,” he chuckles as he peppers more kisses about your head as you snuggle in even closer. 

Tags: @amyg1509

CoD Masterlist

[not-a-princess-but-a-queen]

Ok only one episode into Dead Boy Detectives and

Dirk Gently 🤝 Edwin Payne

Using their past trauma and pain to help save others and being v passionate about their cases despite the absurdity of said cases. (Seriously the scene in the meat shop with Edwin gave me huge Dirk on the Staircase with Riggins vibes)

British

Constantly trying to make deal with their worlds Higher Powers

Punk BF

If you like Dirk Gently try this one out guys!!

[evilphrog]

Me convincing my Wheel of Time mutuals to read He Who Fights With Monsters: It's like if Mat Cauthon was the Dragon, and after every battle he was forced into court-ordered therapy to stop him from going crazy and destroying the world.

Me convincing my Discworld mutuals to read He Who Fights With Monsters: Half the book is ridiculous puns that hinge on obscure references you won't be able to understand without an encyclopedia, the other half is the most profound quotes you have ever read that imprint themselves onto your very soul. And three weeks later you will realize they are also puns.

Me convincing my Dirk Gently mutuals to read He Who Fights With Monsters: A bunch of losers and disasters learn to love themselves by loving each other, and discover that embracing their weirdness can save the world. Also, everything is connected.

Me convincing my Stargate mutuals to read He Who Fights With Monsters: Keep the adventure and the found family, but imagine that it isn't sponsored by the US military, so the characters are allowed to be gay and talk about their feelings like regular people.

Me convincing my MCU mutuals to read He Who Fights With Monsters: It's like if Age of Ultron never happened, and instead we got the Avengers Tower sitcom of our 2012 dreams.

Me convincing Tumblr at large to read He Who Fights With Monsters: The main characters are all wildly homoerotic and intensely shippable. There is canon representation from every part of the rainbow. Magic is structured in such a way that everyone is gorgeous, nobody poops, gay people can reproduce, furries are canon, and gender transition is virtually instantaneous. Imagine the fanfic potential!

If I have persuaded any of you, the first 13 chapters are free here:

The site has a fantastic interface, with font and formatting options. If you like what you read, you can get the amazingly narrated audiobooks on audible, the print copies on Amazon, or the e-reader on kindle. I highly recommend the audiobooks. The narrator brings a lot of depth to the characters, with the voices he uses and the level of emotion he puts in everything. I have never been able to pay attention to an audiobook before, but these ones are captivating.

[peternureyevplsdontbetraythecrew]

save me Dirk Gently, Dirk Gently save me, I cannot feel the interconnectedness of all things anymore, please

[dragons-in-spaceee]

Dirk gently save me…….

[binarystarkillers]

hi there, dirk gently fans! are you missing the show that single-handedly both made you believe in the strength of love above all and also ruined your mental health? do you want to cry when you hear 'alive' by madden? have you wished harm against the show's sack of shit ex-showrunner? are you still daydreaming about a potential animated show that got cruelly teased? do you have those panels of the pride comic saved on your phone?

if you answered yes to any of those questions, consider joining this discord server! it's run by me, and is a place for anyone to share their love for this wonderful, wacky show, and it's brilliant characters.

[fanficfanattic]

Got tagged by several lovely people because no one knew I’d already been tagged. Because it took me several hours to copy/paste WIP titles/first sentences into a document lolol. Super happy to finally make it happen though @orbitalpirate @kvetchinglyneurotic and @jamietarttdodododododo !

Game: put the titles of your WIPs, reguardless of how vague or uninformative they are and let people send asks about them. Tag some people, maybe the amount of WIPs you have.

A) I’m big in Ted Lasso so I’m only posting the 120 for this fandom. If someone wants the list of 50 for Dirk Gently or 2 dozen for My Hero Academia; just holler at me!

Battler

Choir Jamie

Jamie v Nate

Back’s Against the Wall, Takes the Hit For Us All

Block His Number

Sam's Dad Take 1

You've Become a Good Person

Jamie Forgives Nate

Season 2 era Dani/Jamie

"Higgins ""well I think if you care about"

Playlist Fic

Keeley Got Pregnant Season 1

A/B/O: All Roy's Headbutts Damage His Scent

James Tart Sr Plants Drugs

Jamie to Ted But Kind of Everyone.

Memories

Dad Like a Hornet

Season One or Two

Henry Calls Ted So He Can Talk to Jamie

Bus Ride Nightmare

Soulmate AU

Beard

Jamie's Coming Out Movies Playlists

Decided on LCA Because Healing Broken Ribs

Jamie's Aunties

One of the Georgie Brings a Video A..

DANI sharing his father

Patty Comes to Dressing Room to D..

RoyxJamie wedding fic

JamieDaniSam

Roy Saying Jamie Threw Away His Career

Roy Realizes Jamie is Scared at the Gala

Roy Kent's Pet

Jamie Nightmare on Bus Season 1 A..

Trust

Why He Had to Push Roy's Buttons

Why He Has to Be Great

Tom O'Brien/Paul Reynolds

James Tart Hurts Jamie Before His First Game Back

Pussy

Will Sees Jamie Injured & Hears Convo With Dad

Jamie's Trent Impression

You don't know anything about me!

Simon Shows Up to Take Jamie to A&E

Georgie The Harpoonist

Jamie's Make-a-Wish kids

"Georgie ""I taught him to fight but not how to stop"""

Poet Jamie

Jamie being overwhelmed with pleasure

Amy from LCA comes to visit s2 Jamie

Dani starts dating Jamie S1

Jamie's First Day Back Had a Responsible Meeting with Team

Jamie's Mom RE His Dad

Car Park Kid Video

Mystical Team Building

Jamie Comforts Phoebe Gets Hit By Roy

Ransom Fic

Georgie's Video Memories

Jamie & Jan

Jamie flirts with Paddy on the Pitch

Show Up: Convo with Phoebe

Nonsexual A/B/O: Sam is Jamie's Alpha

Ted Lasso and Dirk Gentle crossover

Lads Watch Porn

James & Bug Attack Jamie

Collar?

Every Text is A Crime

Roy Asks Keeley for Jamie Advice and Doesn't Ignore It

Georgie Gave Jamie to James to Protect Herself

Roy Sees Jamie’s Ass in a Mirror and Goes Gay

Family Day Positive Georgie

Season 1 Jamie has friends visit

Zava Multi-Chapter

Jamie Thinks Ted sent him back b/c injury

Led Tasso

Princesses and Dragon

Social Worker Jamie

Coach Crash: Pinned

S1 Jamie, Simon Dies

Time Loop

1.10: Will tries to stop James Tartt Sr

S2 Jamie kidnapped for fighting ring

Ted Laskmaster

Roy's Extra Special Football Baby

Gordon Ramsay Reminds Jamie of Someone

Paddy Insta Live

Touch Issues

Georgie Turns James In Season 2

James Fakes His Own Death

Someone Talks to Roy About How He Treats Jamie

Sam Learns to Top Season 1 Team

Yeah? Me old man thinks you and he are just alike

Teaching Phoebe Art Fic

Early Season 2, Team Tricks Jamie

Ted DOES Go in the Treatment Room

Isolation

S3 Declan/Jamie

1.06 Jamie Collapses on Pitch During Cone Duty

"""Roy Won't Hurt Me"""

Jamie's Issue with Dead People

Family Curse

Sold After LCA

Investigative Journalist

Group Home

Belted

James Visits S1 Richmond

Dani Checks Treatment Rooms after games

"""I like history, it’s already happened so it’s easier to understand"""

The Stands

Keeley Teaches Roy How to Teach Jamie

Trick Plays

Pacifier fic

Fresh Back S2 Jamie Helps Ted with Panic Attack

S2 Jamie Saves Girl From Getting Drugged

1.06 Jamie Panic Attack

James Beats Jamie for Getting Benched

You Told Me You Saw It

S2 Roy Breaks Tartt Silence but to Yell at Ted

Mind Games

S1 Jamie Ices Out Colin and Isaac

[found-family-tournament]

Found Family Tournament Round 1 Part 23 Group 112

Propaganda and further pictures under the cut

The Holistic Detective Agency: Dirk Gently, Todd Brotzman, Farah Black (& Mona Wilder)

Submissions are still open!

Rapunzel, Eugene, Cassandra, Lance, Varian, Kiera, Catalina, Maximus, Pascal, Ruddiger & Owl:

It's about making mistakes and hurting each other and then FIXING those mistakes and FORGIVING each other! It's about a girl locked in a tower alone for eighteen years learning to navigate relationships! It's about a man who stole and hurt people learning to be better because he has people he loves! It's about a woman with the spikes of a cactus learning to let others in! It's about a former thief taking in two little girls so they don't walk the same path of wanton crime that he did! It's about an outcast teen genius finding people who appreciate and encourage his scientific interests! It's about the weird little animals that follow them around!

The Holistic Detective Agency:

My beloveds <3 also very ride or die no matter the weirdness

They're all weird losers and I love them so much. Farah is the only one of them, who's competent, tbh. She saves them a bunch. They mean so much to me. 3 adults with no friends or social skills find each other, and it's great. When Dirk disappears Farah and Todd spend months looking for him.

[maybe-its-just-cringetown-love]

So I've watched most of the shows in

This Genre

Sandman

Good Omens

The Umbrella Academy

Dirk Gentlys Holistic Detective Agency

Doom Patrol

Ya get me, this genre of storytelling.

Twisty and gay, power of friendship saves the day, lot of weirdness.

Also, 'everything is connected' there's a scientist, there's magic, maybe time travel, ghosts, the living dead, great outfits, aesthetic, killer soundtrack.

Legends of Tomorrow and The Raven Cycle also fit here.

So, kind people, any recommendations for similar shows?

[summery-captain]

AuADHD Traits in Dirk Gently - S1E3 - Rogue Walls Enthusiasts

Hold on thight, this is a much longer one!

S1E1: Horizons

S1E2: Lost and Found

- Farah looks around the “room” she was stuck in previously and looks around intently, then says: “Take me to the house” in a very serious tone. Dirk then looks at Todd and does a thumbs up very enthusiastically while smiling really widely, meanwhile Todd and Farah look very defeated - he has a hard time “reading the room” and reacting “appropriately” due to the misread of tone/situations

 - “I spoke to the police!” (in a tone indicating enthusiasm and importance), “What did they say?”, “...go away.” - trouble with intonation/expressing himself in a way that implies something else.

- “I gave the bad guys my number” “You gave them your number?” “In self defense!” - same as before, his tone indicates purpose to Farah and Todd, and then he explains what he meant and they’re confused. In the same scene, Rimmer’s number is saved as “bad gun man”, which is both funny but also very relatable, because of the hard time we have remembering things, it’s very common for us to save numbers as name + where we know the person from to facilitate identification

*- Farah says in a very stressed out tone, “Everything I own is there [Spring’s mansion], my clothes, my gun-”, giving examples of why it’s important to her to go back there. Dirk immediately replies: “You look good” smiling and in a reassuring tone, misreading Farah’s concern to be about her appearance (more obvious) VS what she means subtextually (her life is in the mansion)

- When Todd freaks out unexpectedly, Dirk gets very startled and looks from Todd to the way Farah went back and forth about four times very quickly - unexpected changes can be very confusing / hard to process 

*-  Right after that, Dirk and Todd have the following dialogue: “Wait a moment!” / “What?” / “Are you… mad at me?” - it’s incredibly hard to read other’s emotions, especially when in relation to us. Dirk takes a moment to check in to clear things up because he isn’t sure where Todd stands about him.

 Then, when Todd answers “Yes– No– I don’t know. I don’t know what I am at you”, Dirk reacts very positively, saying “Good” and patting Todd’s shoulder, immediately running away to Farah after “resolving” the situation and taking Todd’s confusion to be best than a very certain “I’m mad at you” - It can be reassuring to be told someone isn’t angry at us when reading other’s tone and intentions/reactions is so hard, especially from someone who means a lot to us.

  Not a Dirk scene, but something I find important to mention. In between Dirk scenes, we get to see a conversation between Col. Riggins and Friedkin where Riggins says: “Blackwing had one mission: to seek out, codify and collect individuals with sensory perceptive abilities beyond the normal human range”. Meanwhile, Dirk repeatedly states throughout the show and especially to B.W. agents that “This isn’t how it works, this isn’t how I work!” and they never ever take him seriously, believing themselves to know better than the subjects do about themselves and their abilities.

 With that in mind, I draw an important parallel between how Black Wing works and how the ableist medical community works, specially in the timeframe where Dirk would have been in when he was in being held by them - With blackwing being created in 1988, the general belief that Dirk is in his 30s, and Dirk being one of the original subjects, that places his captivity in the 80s-00s, being there from about age 5 until 12 years old and getting out in 2000, because with the show happening in 2016, and when Riggins confronts him at the Ridgley Dirk says: It’s been 16 years, that’s a general timeline. 

 TRIGGER WARNING FOR FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH: ABLEISM, THERAPY TO “CURE” US

xxxxxx

 All of this to say that the way Black Wing is shown to operate both in S1 and S2, with tests, general subhuman conditions, “exposure” therapy, electric shocks, cruel testing and impossible standards, I see a very big connection with how some facilities and programs conduct behavioral “therapy” towards autistics, now too but even more so in the timeframe Dirk was a subject originally. The similarities, albeit in a very sci-fi esque aesthetic so to speak, are clear between black wing’s “program” and ABA “therapies”/Experiments/”Research”.

xxxxxx

Continuing on, Farah and Dirk going to the Spring mansion:

- Dirk doesn’t swing his arms when he’s walking, very common in autistic people and neurodivergent people in general because of our commonly comorbid lack of motor skills + different center of balance from neurotypicals which means we don’t usually need to move our arms when walking to “balance out” our leg movements because we also tend to walk differently.

*- “You’ve never met him” / “Yes, he seems like someone I’ve never met” - Very funny line but also very relatable when you realize Dirk constantly makes “small talk” by stating the obvious.

- “Isn’t that… Interesting”, Says Spring’s lawyer, to which Dirk promptly replies: “I get that a lot” - I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told the exact same thing or similar stuff, whether neurotypicals consciously realize this or not they seem to pick up very quickly we’re not like them on a very fundamental basis and WILL give backhanded compliments such as saying we’re interesting or quirky or anything like that. It took me a WHILE to realize this is what was happening and that they usually never mean it in a positive way.

*- When Spring’s lawyer gives Farah the letter saying that Spring instructed him to only give it to Farah when in the presence of someone named Dirk Gently, he says “Well it’s lucky I’m here then!” in a very chipper tone.

 Then, when Farah is having a breakdown and tell him she didn’t think he was still in the room, he says “Why would I leave the room? All of the good stuff is happening in here!”, and only THEN does he pay closer attention to how Farah is and asks “Were you and Patrick… close?” - He has a really hard time “reading the room” as I’ve said, and specially in relation to things that he considers more “obvious” like the case he’s working on. 

 AND THEN, when Farah says she is a bunch of negative things, Dirk goes, tentatively, “No, no, listen, you’re only SOME of those things” and she reacts by letting out a scream and sitting down forcefully, and he becomes even more unsure of how to act, starts trembling and pats Farah’s shoulder and then pokes it, gives up and sits down next to her. - It’s very hard to comfort people when you have a hard time reading other’s emotions, and I think that although Dirk didn’t do a very good job on comforting Farah he did try his best in a confusing situation to him, and ended up helping her nonetheless, taking us to:

*- “I don’t know anything, ever. It’s really quite relaxing. It’s how I work, I..follow fate around. It’s how I found you.” - there is a LOT of freedom in accepting you’ll most likely never have the in’s and out’s of reading others and that you can really only try your best in navigating life without having all the pieces other’s seem to have access to.

- When Farah opens the envelope Spring left her Dirk YOINKS it from her, then when he reads the “You” says “This doesn’t look like you, he’s got the hair all wrong!” - very funny moment and also shows two traits: impulsivity and literal thinking.

*- When they’re trying to follow the map, he nervously follows Farah around in the most autistic way of walking ever, it’s so relatable it’s comical honestly, the slight tip toeing, swinging side to side, just !!! he’s just like us fr

*- Farah starts analyzing the wall and he goes on a rant trying to figure out what she’s doing, interpreting the way she’s acting very literally, “It’s a wall.. Did he enjoy walls? Did ever mention a LOVE for walls-” and immediately SCREAMS and jumps backwards when Farah makes a loud noise by breaking the fake wall down with the iron, trembling the whole time - sound seems to be one of his most intense sensory triggers.

*- “How… did you do that?” / “With my hand!” - He’s SO literal I love him

*- “Dirk? I’m starting to think you’re actually a pretty good detective” - his face goes, rapidly: happy, proud, he shakes his head, aloof, uncaring.   Dirk frequently schools his expressions out, trying to make the “correct” face in regards to the situation at hand, which shows two different things: he has a hard time figuring out right away which one is the “correct” expression AND he has been conditioned to think his initial reactions are always wrong/unnaceptable.

*- When Todd reaches Amanda after running to her house, he says “Dirk doesn’t know anything. In fact, the amount of things he doesn’t know are stupefying” - slightly ableist although it makes sense within context where Dirk knows a lot of things about “random” or seemingly (to others) unimportant stuff but has a hard time with “simple” (to others) concepts/things

- Autistic funny AND sarcastisc moment when Dirk goes “Oh.. is that why you’re here?” when Todd states that this is MY apartment.

- Amanda says, “I don’t go out much”, and Dirk says: “Me neither!” - it’s common for us to not really go out that much because going out can be very overwhelming in many many ways

- When he and Todd have the discussion on the hallway, he’s very direct and vulnerable with Todd, even if he doesn’t know him THAT well, saying “I want your help”, for example, instead of just hinting at it or dancing around the subject just because it’s a hard one - we’re often direct with our intentions/feelings

- As he goes downstairs after convincing Todd to help him and to get the everbulb from his car, he does a little celebration by jumping a bit and pumping his fists, which isn’t NECESSARILY a stim but could be read as one! - stim: from “stimulation”, when we do repetitive things based on the major five senses to express happiness and also regulate our emotions, like jumping or singing for example.

- When confronted by Riggins and Friedkin he has a ‘slight’ meltdown and after getting tackled holds onto the stairwell’s bars, shaking. - I do know it’s a common reaction given the situation but also fits pretty well with mine and other autistic people’s experience in regards to what our specific reactions to overwhelming situations can look like.

As always thank you for reading and let me know if you want to be tagged in future posts/When I make the masterpost after finishing all of the episodes! I took a long time from E2 to this one because I changed jobs and had a really hard time adapting but am now more stable and have a bit more of free time!

 Tagging: @clockworkcheetah @urlocallesbiab @generalized-incompetence @amber-angel @silverhardt @weiwuxiankinnie

[shanie-the-komania-toyaddict]

Shanie's Creation Masterlist!

Updated 04/18/24

Masterlist of all the fanworks I have out there.

Quick Link: My Steenerico Disney Fic, "The Happiest Luchador on Earth" is located HERE, while the rest of the in-universe stories, "Of Masks, Mice, and Men" are located HERE.

For anyone interested, both THLoE and OMMaM make up what I refer to as "The Generico!verse" due to the fact that the entire universe hinges on the singular notion that El Generico is NOT Sami Zayn and, in fact, Sami Zayn never existed in this universe, nor does Kevin Owens. There are only Steen and Generico in this universe and the stories are about the two of them meeting, falling in love, realizing they are in love, realizing how much they need each other, and really, just the two of them navigating the world together as best friends and eventual lovers, trying to get by despite their various neurodivergencies.

The rest of the fanworks are beneath cut

Music Videos

Wrestling

Wrestling - Zowens/Steenerico - You Grew On Me

Wresting - Zowens/Steenerico - Open Arms

WWE - Shane McMahon - Kings

WWE - Shane McMahon - Feet On The Ground

WWE - Shane McMahon - I Am The Fire

WWE - Shane McMahon - You're Gonna Go Far Kid

WWE - Shane McMahon - Written In The Stars

Doctor Who

Doctor Who - The Pond Family - Elevation

Doctor Who - The Pond Family - Who Wants To Live Forever

Doctor Who - The Brigadier Tribute - Hero

Doctor Who - The Companions - Never Say Goodbye

Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Buffy - Dark Willow - Down With The Sickness

Buffy Episodic - "Superstar" - The Real Adventures of Johnny Quest

Other Videos

Xena Warrior Princess - Video Vixen Remake - I Need A Hero

Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency - Don't Stop Me Now

M*A*S*H - Weathered

How I Met Your Mother - What's My Age Again?

Fanfiction

Zowens/Steenerico Fanfics

To Earthquakes, Lovers, and Newfound Friends

Finding Paradise

Depression, Dissociation, and 'Mania

Stay

The Sunshine and The Rain (Poem)

Siempre te Amaré (I Will Always Love You)

Saved (6-Part Series)

He Used To Be Mine (Will Be 20-Part Series) - WIP

The Happiest Luchador On Earth (Steenerico Disney Fic) - WIP

A Sacred Place (AU) - WIP

Other Fanfiction

Doctor Who - Magickally Different

WWE/Doctor Who - Journey's Beginning

How I Met Your Mother - Six

Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog - Apologies

WWE - Death of A Fangirl (And Rebirth of A Friend)

WWE - A One Fangirl Army

Original Works

The Rain Can't Hurt You Now

Four Men, Four Souls

Other Stuff

This one doesn't really have a set place or link for it, but the tag is "Shanie's Artwork"

If you're looking for my custom figures, that's under "Shanie's Custom Figures"

If you're looking for the comics-style stories of my action figures, look under "The Yep Husband Chronicles"

If you're looking for my dream journal writeups, that's under "Shanie's Dream Journal"

My old blog is @shanie-the-toyaddict and you will find most of this stuff posted there too.

[misslavenderlady]

The Boys Who Wouldn’t Grow Up - Chapter 20

Summary: Marko, Dwayne, and Paul are ready to take down the head vampire and restore David and Maria's mortality. Even with their combined skills, things could still go wrong if they're not careful.

WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: CHARACTER DEATH (character is a kid), Violence, Blood, Stabbing, Burning, Threats

Credit to bonniebird for the gif (which is of Sam in that awful LB sequel lol)

Previous Chapter Next Chapter

The day had finally arrived. The day when all vampires would die. To think that mere days ago, the Johnson family had just come to California for an uneventful summer with Grandma. Now one son was corrupted with vampirism while the other was ready to take down the monsters who turned him in the first place. 

It wasn’t going to be an easy task to complete. Between Marko still training to fight and David being weak in the day and still very new to his powers, the odds weren’t entirely in their favor. They were most certainly going to need the help of some professionals if they were going to solve this vampire pest problem.

After a restless night, Marko woke up at the crack of dawn to call Dwayne and Paul again. He gave them all the information Maria had shared with him and David the night before. They needed to know all about the powers Michael had if they were going to plan accordingly. The two brothers took note of everything their friend had to tell them, and after packing supplies and weapons accordingly, they devised a plan.

“We’ll come get you both at 6 pm,” Dwayne explained. “It’s cutting it pretty close, but we really can’t afford to have the shop closed another day. Just use that time to train like we taught you”

“Yeah! And tell your big bro to get some shut-eye,” Paul added on. “He’s gonna feel like shit when he wakes up, but at least he can rest when he can”

Marko looked over at his brother on the bed. Even with the blackout curtains fully closed, he was buried deep under the blankets. The deeper he was in the darkness, the better. He must have gotten comfortable enough because he was fast asleep. 

It was a good thing their father would be busy today because the last thing Marko needed was a distraction. 

"Got it. I'll see you guys then"

After hanging up the phone, he decided to leave David for a while. A look of worry was stuck on the curly-haired boy's face as he gathered a stake for his practice session in the yard again. 

It was only made of wood, yet it weighed down his hand as if it were the heaviest iron. Vampires were going to be slaughtered today, and some could be at his own hand. 

Whatever it takes to save my family, Marko thought to himself as he gently shut the door. 

It was a nerve-wracking few hours, but at least Dwayne and Paul were good on their word. At 6 on the dot, they were riding up the driveway, their motorcycles kicking up clouds of dirt as they went. 

Marko wasted no time in dragging David out of bed. Despite sleeping all day long, the eldest sibling moved like he hadn't gotten any shut-eye in days. Groans and curses were thrown Marko's way as he helped David down the steps. For the sake of the situation, he would ignore any complaints. 

"Jesus Christ, your brother looks like hell," Paul noted. 

He and Dwayne were fully ready for battle. Each set of hair was tied back and their faces were marked with light camouflage makeup. They wore thick boots and gloves with packs of weaponry in their bags. It made the naval dirk Marko has stashed in his pocket look like a toy. 

"Thanks, I feel like I was just there," David replied sarcastically. 

"Remind me again why I don't just leave your ass here to sulk in private?" Marko sassed him. 

Even still, he helped David properly sit down on a chair by one of their grandmother's suits of armor. He was already winded just from the steps. 

"Because we'll need all the help we can get. Even as a lookout, it's important to have everyone ready if need be," Dwayne explained. 

"Besides, I need to get Maria out of there. She's not one of them, she's a prisoner…" 

The other three looked at each other while David pouted over his lover. He clearly cared about her despite everything that happened. In a way, it further proved that he wasn't one of the monsters. He could still be saved with the humanity that lingered. 

The Murray brothers sat beside Marko and David, the expressions on their faces now much more sympathetic. This wasn't just a search and destroy mission, it was also a rescue mission. They weren't to take that lightly. 

"We'll get the lady outta trouble," Paul assured him with a friendly smile. "Just tell us what the leader looks like. We find him, stake him, and the others are destroyed too"

It made David's stomach churn to think of Michael. The boy he thought was his best friend was instead a force of chaos that corrupted everything in sight. To think about the reality of how Michael manipulated him left and right still infuriated him.

"His name's Michael," David mumbled. "Around my height, brown curls, blue eyes, and he's the oldest one. You'll know him when you see him"

That was all the hunters needed. With a nod to each other, they gestured for Marko to follow them. The only problem was that Marko couldn't get his brother to move. David was barely clinging to consciousness. 

"There's absolutely no way he's gonna stay on the back of your bike, Marko," Dwayne pointed out. "We're gonna need a different ride to their hideout"

While the other three were wondering what to do, Marko knew right away what they could use at a time like this. He'd be in serious trouble, but desperate times called for desperate measures. 

"Grandma's gonna kill you when we get home," David mumbled from the passenger seat. 

“Rather it be her than a bloodsucker”

Marko was at the wheel of their Grandmother's Eldorado. Though guilt for taking her car was overwhelming him beyond words, it truly was a matter of life and death. David was slumped over in the passenger seat up front while Paul and Dwayne stayed perched in the back. He silently hoped his Grandfather wasn’t turning over in his grave as a result of this.

The sun was beating down on them all, bright and hot. It wasn’t anything new to the human boys, but for David, it was like being suffocated. Though it was insufferable, he’d do his best to stay strong and endure it. He wasn’t going to stay like this forever, nor was he going to let Michael go and poison the life of someone else. 

“When we get there, we all stick together,” Dwayne ordered. He was sharpening his stake with a pocket knife, getting it ready for whatever monster he came face to face with. 

“Don’t anybody try to be no hero! If your ass is in trouble, get the hell outta there,” Paul added. 

While sleepily giving his brother directions, David wondered just how this was going to play out. Surely if he was feeling weak, so would the Lost Boys. He still hated the idea of Marko going in there to face those demons, but his little brother had his heart set on being the one to free him. They had been through so much together, and if this was all going to end, he had to have faith in Marko. 

He used to see a sweet, scrawny kid whenever they were together. Now with determined eyes and a focused expression, David truly saw how grown up his brother was.

The car was parked in the dirt at the top of the cliff. Dwayne and Paul each had to hold him up so he wouldn't stumble and fall down the worn-out staircase. Marko led the way, finding the main entrance that David had only ever navigated through at night. Sunlight was streaming inside, showing off all the worn-out features of the dilapidated resort. 

"Yeah, this is definitely a vampire nest," Dwayne said. "They love settling down in abandoned places like this"

David remembered how much he worried the boys were homeless and that this was the best they could do. Turns out this was the perfect place for them. 

Before he could even think of moving further, something caught his eye. 

A white piece of fluff hidden in a corner of the room. Curious, he broke free from the others and slowly made his way over to the item. Getting close enough allowed him to see what it really was. 

It was the teddy bear he gave Maria the night they all went to play games on the boardwalk. But now it had a new, gruesome feature. A claw had sliced at the throat of the stuffed animal, blood staining the fur surrounding it. 

This was a message. A threat. Michael must have done this to frighten Maria enough to the point where she wouldn't leave. You try something, you die. 

"You guys go kill that son of a bitch," David sneered. "I'm gonna find Maria and get her out of this hellhole"

Nobody questioned him. Paul and Dwayne took off first to find an entrance to a lower level in the cave. Marko gave David a pat on the shoulder before following them. Though thoroughly exhausted, David managed to stay on his feet long enough to search the cave for Maria. If she was still half-vampire like him, then he could get her out of this place for good. 

To his utter relief, she was in her room. Just like after their night together, she was snuggled up under her blankets, trying to ignore the pain of the sunlight streaming in order to get some proper rest. David had been barely comfortable with the black-out curtains. He couldn’t imagine how miserable she was feeling.

“Maria?” he whispered. He kneeled over her on the bed, gently nudging her so she’d wake up. Her beautiful brown eyes peeked open, making David feel a sense of relief. “Hey, sweetheart. I’m getting you out of here. We gotta go now”

Though exhaustion was what most clearly presented on her face, a hint of panic overwhelmed her. She knew just what Michael and his sadistic little brothers were capable of, and she was scared of what they’d do to David if they found out he was here.

“N-No…I can’t…”

“Yes, you can,” David urged her. 

He didn’t hesitate in taking action. Fighting back the pain in his muscles, David scooped Maria up into his arms, carefully holding her as he made his way back to the entrance they all came in. She whimpered softly in his hold, discomfort and fear overwhelming her senses. It was all such a scary situation. There were no second chances. If they were caught, it was all over.

David grunted in agony from the number of steps outside the cave he had to climb. If he was still fully human, he could have carried her with absolutely no problem. But the sun above was brutal, and it made his legs buckle and shake. It was a miracle that he was able to set her body down on the seat in the back before he collapsed beside her. 

All of his energy was gone. If Marko and his friends were going after those vampires, they were on their own.

*********************************

“Watch your step! The rocks here are sharp!” Paul warned the others, taking the lead down. While he and Dwayne moved around rather gracefully, Marko was a bit clumsy, not always finding the best footing as he followed them. 

Still, they all stayed close together, always making sure everyone was safe the further they went into the cave. The air was icy, as no sunlight would ever touch such an area. It was the ideal space for a vampire to hide away when the sun was out, and if there were vampires around, they all had to be on their guard. 

Once the last sliver of light was gone, the boys all got their flashlights out. Powerful beams spread out, allowing them to explore the space better. Marko kept his light on the ground so he could see where he was stepping, but Dwayne and Paul had their lights pointed up at the cave ceiling. They were on the lookout for the monsters.

“Vampires have the features of vampire bats in their blood,” Dwayne explained to Marko. “It’s what lets them fly, gives them sharp teeth to bite, and claws to grab onto things better. Not to mention it helps them sleep”

“Sleep? What do you mean by that?” the curly-haired boy asked. 

"You’ll see what we mean once we find the fuckers,” Paul chimed in. 

Marko was still determined to find these creatures, but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous. This was still so new and overwhelming. All he wanted was to protect his brother and father. If he panicked at any point, he would be potentially putting their safety at risk. He needed to be brave, no matter what. 

He wanted to ask how much longer they needed to travel through the caves. If they were getting closer. But just as he opened his mouth to talk, Dwayne slapped a hand over it, silencing him completely. Marko was baffled by such an act. That was, until he looked up.

Four boys. Sound asleep…..and hanging upside down from the rafters. 

It was a good thing Dwayne had covered Marko’s mouth because the smaller boy immediately began screaming into the palm from the sheer shock of the sight. Vampires did exist. Sure, he had seen David with such changes, but now everything felt so much more real. Those were the vampires who went after his brother, and they had to kill the leader. 

Dwayne let go when Marko had calmed down enough to stop shouting. His heart was still pounding rapidly, but at least he could keep quiet. While Dwayne and Paul looked for the right weapon in their supplies to use, Marko didn’t dare look away from the monsters. 

David wasn’t joking when he said they were just kids. The three boys next to the eldest were so young and innocent looking. But if David said they were killers, then he wasn’t going to question it. Looks could be deceiving. 

“Gotta make this quick, clean, and silent,” Dwayne explained, his voice low in volume. In his hands was a sleek-looking crossbow. Paul helped load an arrow into it, making certain it was as sharp as possible. 

“We shoot the leader, we get the hell out. The kids will be destroyed once Michael is gone, so we won’t have to worry about being chased afterward,” Paul added. 

Marko nodded, backing up to give the brothers some room. Dwayne pointed the crossbow upward, ready and focused to strike. Paul held his arms in place for extra support. The more steady the aim, the better.

There was only one problem. Marko was so focused on getting out of the way, he wasn’t paying attention to where he was going. Without warning, a loud bang came behind him, the sound of a massive rock pile crashing down from his foot knocking it out of place.

Though Dwayne shot right away, it didn’t take even a second for everything to go wrong. The closest vampire to Michael woke up from the sound of the rocks. His golden eyes locked on the three humans and the weapon aimed at his brother. Though the speed of the crossbow was fast, the boy was faster.

Without hesitation, the blond-haired boy threw himself in front of Michael, taking the arrow straight into his chest. 

“AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!”

An inhuman screech echoed across the cave, rattling the walls and piercing the eardrums of the humans on the ground. Thick, dark blood poured from the wound in the kid’s chest, spewing onto the rocks and dirt below like a waterfall. The three other vampires woke with a start, immediately overcome with horror at the sight just inches from them. 

Their shrieking was demonic. Loud and ferocious. It overwhelmed Marko, Dwayne, and Paul to the point where they cowered in fright, terrified of what to do after missing their target. Dwayne fumbled with the crossbow in desperation to reload it and shoot again. Unfortunately, the vampire that he hit came down fast and hard, nearly landing on top of them with blood splattering all over. There was no way they could attack with the thick, sticky liquid coating their fingers. 

That was a big problem, considering Michael had them right in his sights. He had a fire in his inhuman eyes, and it burned them to the very core.

“I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU ALL!!”

Not wanting to stick around to give him the chance, the three hunters took off as fast as they possibly could. They shrieked in terror as they frantically ran over the rocky passage they had come through. The walls of the cave rumbled around them, still unstable from the vampires and their screams. 

“OUTSIDE! We gotta get outside where the light is NOW!” Paul urged Marko, dragging him along to keep up with him and his brother. The vampire screeches were close behind them, as Michael was hot on their trail. 

The beam of light from the outside space was so painfully close. It was harder to move with their shot nerves, keeping them unbalanced and clumsy, but they couldn’t give up. Paul and Dwayne led the way, urging their friend to keep up with them.

Marko was able to do just that until a clawed hand pinned his leg down. 

“FUCK! HE’S GOT ME!!” the curly-haired boy cried out. He stumbled to the ground in a panic as the vampire held his leg in place. 

Dwayne and Paul immediately began to work to pull Marko towards the light they were so close to touching. They urged their friend to fight and do anything to get Michael away. He screamed and kicked the monster repeatedly in the face with no success.

“Let me go! PLEASE!”

“YOU’LL NEVER ESCAPE ME, CHILD,” Michael hissed, a long, serpentine tongue slipping past his fangs. 

Marko's stomach was twisting and his heart was slamming against his ribcage. Sweat poured from his forehead as he tried to think of a plan. He needed a weapon. Anything. 

The naval dirk. The one his grandmother gave him. While Paul and Dwayne kept trying their best to break free, Marko dug a hand into his pocket, grabbing at the weapon. 

With great swiftness, he swung downward and thrust the blade into the flesh of Michael's hand. The monster howled in pain, the same dark, inhuman blood flowing from the wound. Marko wasn't going to let go now. He tugged Michael's hand in the opposite direction, using the blade handle to bring him closer and closer to the light. 

"GUYS! HELP ME PULL HIM INTO THE SUNLIGHT!!"

Dwayne and Paul grabbed on tighter than ever, giving their all to pull the vampire into the sunshine. With Michael in a weakened state, they moved his arm with more ease. His wounded hand was pulled out of the darkness and ignited in flames when it was hit by the light. 

Any fight Michael had was destroyed as he released Marko and cowered back into the shadows of the cave. His wound was cauterized by the fire, and now instead of bleeding, he was badly burned. There was no way he’d be following them now. The hunters didn’t waste any time taking the chance to run back to the car. 

As they climbed up the stairs and used the car to take off in a panic, Michael watched silently from his hiding place. The humans may have won the battle, but the vampires would win the war once the sun went down. All he had to do was wait a couple of hours. 

“See you boys soon…”

Tag: @britany1997

[chillichats]

I have a great idea for a botw au. I have many of those, in fact

great ideas. not botw aus. though I have those too

you know how link is just running around aimlessly, solving puzzles and helping people wherever he goes without much idea as to what he’s doing? WELL

let me introduce to you: the Link’s Holistic Detective Agency au

if you know you know, but for those who don't: Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency is a series of novels by Douglas Adams (yes, the same guy who wrote Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy). there have been multiple series’s and spinoffs of those books, but I think it’s underrepresented in the Fandom-space. 

Dirk Gently, or Icarus, is an escaped government experiment who is intrinsically tied to the forces of the universe. no matter what he does, it seems to lead to the next step in the puzzle or case that he’s working on. He could be actively trying NOT to get the next clue, and the universe will make him trip over it. He’s not the only person tied to the forces of the universe; the agency that kept him prisoner also had more experiments going on. From a woman who can’t be killed and kills without trying, to a girl who can turn into anything (and I mean anything), to four guys who feed on the energy and pain that they suck out of people, to a kid who’s dreams become reality.

Link is a guy with a destiny, who knows what he needs to do but not exactly how to do it. everywhere he goes there are puzzle pieces to the greater picture that was hyrule 100 years ago, and the hyrule that is now. Everyone seems to recognise intrinsically that he can help solve their problems, and they offer knowledge that he needs without him having to ask. its almost like... the universe is helping him out. no matter which direction he goes, he gets a step closer to saving Zelda, and the world.

what I want to see is: 100 years ago, link was not tied to the forces of the universe. he could only rely on his own knowledge and choices to guide him to where he needed to be. then, he almost died, and left hyrule perilously close to destruction, and the universe decides, enough. 

it takes link a while to figure out what’s going on, if he does at all. in fact, I think it would be funnier if an amnesiac link fully doesn't realise that the extent to which he ‘luckily’ finds just the right person or ‘luckily’ happens upon the right place extends far past coincidence and into ‘this is really weird actually, something is pulling strings behind the scenes’. HOWEVER, any companions he travels alongside figure out very quickly that links hunches and random feelings are almost ALWAYS what they need to get to the next part of their journeys.

anyways. there’s my brilliant AU, you may now do what you will with it