#self-discipline is hard but i’m getting better at it every day

[flower-studded-sake-dish]

ahhhhh i’m so fucking close to getting the IN 1cc but Reisen keeps wearing me down to where i can’t clear Kaguya but the last two runs i’ve had have made it to her final spell (i can only do about 1 or 2 runs a day cuz the malice cannon puts a lot of strain on my wrist) and in all honesty i probably shoulda beat it the last time my first 3 stages were the best they’d ever been and i sightread Keine’s Last Spell but stage 4 was p rough for me but that was my fault for streaming and talking and not paying attention. reimu’s like danmaku barrier is definitely like a top 3 spellcard for me along w okuu’s final spell because it’s just so much fun and a really cool concept i think anyways goodnight

[lovinterstellar]

NEW YEAR, NEW ME

this is a collab w the it girl @prettieinpink !!

HABITS TO IMPLEMENT 

Movement (yoga, running, Pilates, walking, gym, etc. Anything that allows you to move your body 

Reflection- make a note of things you would like to improve on. This could be self-love, relationships, 

STAY CONSISTENT

Consistency is key. Make sure to stick to your plan and keep working towards your goals every day. Even small steps are progress. Try to make your goal part of your daily routine. 

HOW TO STAY CONSISTENT 

SCHEDULE- Setting schedules helps really well with consistency. Make a schedule for the tasks you need to do daily or weekly to achieve your goals. This can help you make your goals a part of your routine, making it easier to stay consistent.

STAY ORGANIZED- Keep track of your tasks and goals. Use tools like calendars, to-do lists, or apps to help you stay organized and remember what you need to do.

DISCIPLINE YOURSELF- Sometimes, you won't feel like working towards your goals, and that's okay. The key is to maintain discipline and do the task anyway. Remember, consistency is about doing the task regularly, not just when you feel like it.

START SMALL- Don't overwhelm yourself with huge tasks. Start small and gradually increase your workload as you build consistency.

DON’T BE TOO HARD ON YOURSELF- If you miss a day, don't beat yourself up. Instead, acknowledge that it happened, understand why, and move on. Consistency is about long-term progress, not perfection.

CREATE A PLAN

Once you know what your goals are, create a step-by-step plan on how to achieve them. Break down each goal into smaller, manageable tasks. This might involve creating a timeline, setting deadlines, or identifying resources or tools you might need.

LEAVE THINGS IN THE PAST 

In 2023, I’m sure everyone has had ups and downs, but not letting them define you as a person is something that has to be done in order for you to become a new person.

HOW TO LEAVE THINGS IN THE PAST

ACCEPTANCE-  Acknowledge the past and accept it as part of your life story. Understand that it's something that has shaped you but doesn't define you.

FORGIVENESS- Forgive yourself and others. Holding onto resentment only harms you. Letting go of grudges can bring a sense of peace and open up space for healthier relationships.

LEARN FROM IT- Every experience, good or bad, is an opportunity to learn. Reflect on these experiences and use them as stepping stones to better decisions in the future.

FOCUS ON THE PRESENT- The past is unchangeable, but the present is in your control. Concentrate on what you can do now to create a positive future.

SET NEW GOALS- Create new objectives for yourself. This gives you something to work towards and helps shift your focus from the past to the future.

PRACTISE MINDFULNESS- Mindfulness is about staying focused on the present moment. Practices like meditation can help you stay grounded and prevent you from dwelling on the past.

ADJUST YOUR PLAN AS NEEDED

It's okay if your initial plan doesn't work out exactly as you thought. Life happens, and it's important to be flexible and adapt your plan as needed. If you find that a certain approach isn't working, don't be afraid to try something different.

PRACTICE SELF CARE

Remember to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. This can include things like getting enough sleep, eating healthy, exercising regularly, and taking time to relax and do things you enjoy. Don't forget that self-care is an important part of reaching your goals.

WAYS TO PRACTICE SELF CARE-

BALANCED DIET-  There is no need to restrict yourself from foods but eating a healthy, balanced diet is crucial for maintaining physical health. Try to include plenty of fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains in your diet.

EXERCISE REGULARLY- Regular physical activity can help reduce stress, improve mood, and boost overall health. This doesn't necessarily mean going to the gym - it could be anything from a brisk walk to a yoga class

GET ENOUGH SLEEP-  Aim for 7-9 hours of sleep per night. Establish a regular sleep schedule and create a relaxing bedtime routine to improve sleep quality.

STAY HYDRATED-  Drinking enough water each day is important for overall health. Try to aim for at least 8 glasses per day.

TAKE BREAKS- Make sure to take regular breaks throughout the day, especially if you're working or studying. This can help prevent burnout and improve productivity.

DO THINGS YOU ENJOY- Make time for hobbies or activities you enjoy. This could be anything from reading a book to playing a sport to painting. 

  CELEBRATE SMALL THINGS

Don't wait until you've reached your big goal to celebrate. Celebrate small wins along the way to keep your motivation high. This could be treating yourself to something you enjoy, or simply taking a moment to acknowledge your achievement.

REFLECTING ON THE PAST YEAR

Think about how the past year went. Did you learn anything? Did you reach new goals? If you don't the answers to these questions, I recommend further examining your year!!

[hypergamiss]

I have the opposite situation. Im 25 and I feel like a teenager because I haven’t hit major milestones yet. I struggled with mental health issues and that really held me back. I know the only way out is through and I’m sure once i get my degree and get a good job ilk feel better about my situation. It’s just so hard to not spiral into self pity and negativity. Do you have any advice on how to stay positive and motivated?

I hope that your journey with your mental health issues is in a better place! Working on those will definitely help you move forward with your life. I think most people don't realize that 25-year-olds are actually still teenagers. I didn't stop growing or developing until I was 25, our prefrontal cortex is barely developed at that age too you know? Even men tend to have their last growth spurts at this age. I honestly think that you shouldn't put that much pressure on yourself in your 20s. As long as you are working towards improving every day, things are bound to work out. You have this idea in your mind that you will be happy once you get the degree and the job. You're in for a lot of disappointment if you think you'll be happy then. It would be best to find happiness in the present moment because you will be chasing something that you will never find otherwise. After you get your degree and job, life gets really boring if that's all you identify yourself with and slave away. Experiment and find out what your passions are (we all have multiple) and immerse yourself in them. The only pressure you should put on yourself is to improve what you can control. As far as staying motivated, motivation is a myth. There is only discipline. Here is an amazing book that I recommend to really understand what it takes to achieve your goals through discipline and understanding that motivation is a temporary feeling. Don't forget that small wins are still wins and that you deserve to celebrate yourself through all the smaller milestones as well.

[badassturtles235147]

Like Father, Like Son

Ok, I’m sick and tired of people always assuming that Raph is Shredder’s twin! Yes, Shredder is angry but he is angrily insane, not angrily passionate like Raph!

Let me tell you who I think Raph is really like.

Master Splinter himself!

I know you are probably all like, “No, Leo’s like him!”

He isn’t! Sure, he and Splinter are close but just because they're close doesn’t mean they are alike. Yes, Leo is like Splinter when it comes to self-blame, fearlessness, leadership, and will-power but are you really telling me Leo is more like Splinter than Raph? NO!

I mean the signs people look at the signs!

On Turtle Temper, Splinter scolds Raph for losing his temper during a mission and getting him and his brothers caught on camera because of it. Splinter was hard on Raph in the beginning of the episode because he was angry. Angry that his sons’ safety could be in danger because of Raphael’s temper over a few nasty words. He let his anger and worry make him go harder on Raph then he probably had to but once Splinter hears Raph venting to his pet turtle, Spike, Splinter decided to take a different approach and just talk to his son.

Splinter tells Raph that he understands what he is going through and begins to tell him a story of when he lost his temper with Oroku Saki. Splinter is speaking to Raph from years of experience. This shows you that Splinter had a terrible temper in his younger days. He can not understand Raph fully if he only lost his temper that one time! That’s also why I believe Splinter is always on Raph’s case about his temper and never gives up on trying to help him because he’s been there.

Splinter may have better control of his temper now but there are a few times when Splinter lets his anger take control, especially when it involves the safety of his children.

Remember this: “HOW COULD YOU ALL BE SO CARELESS! Secrecy is the most important rule of the ninja and you have broken it! You four are forbidden from leaving the lair!”

Raph: WHAT?! You can’t hold that against us! We got slimed with toxic poke!”

Splinter: SILENCE!

(Can we all agree that Splinter overreacted in that episode? I mean, he had every right to be worried but he grounded the turtles even though it wasn’t really their fault and even after they fixed it, Splinter hit them and said they're still grounded! I think it’s because he still hasn’t gotten over his anger yet rather than disciplining them.….What did he do to April when she tried to sneak away? Let me know if you have any guesses!)

Again, this shows you how much Splinter and Raph are alike. Raph may get angry a lot but he is terrifying when someone threatens his family! Just like Splinter!

(You can not tell me you do not see Raph in this photo)

And remember New Friends, Old Enemy? After Mikey showed them the death dragon, Leo and Raph decided to try it out. When Splinter came in, he immediately saw a flashback, Raphael as him and Leonardo as Shredder.

I’m not saying that Leo is like Shredder! He is too much of a goody-three-toes. I’m saything they could have made Raph do the move instead of him being the one getting knocked down but instead they made Leo do it. I think it shows how much of himself Splinter sees in Raphael.

Raph and Splinter both have a temper, they are both protective, and they are both feisty.

But I’m not done! There are more similarities between them!

Splinter and Raph both have a soft spot for those who can’t defend themselves. When they see someone or some creature in trouble, their protective instincts kick in and they end up spending their entire lives taking care of that person! Raph with Spike, let’s not forget Chompy and Mikey. All the older brothers are protective of the baby in the family but Raph is especially protective because of his soft spot for his baby brother!

When Splinter mutated he could have just left the turtles and saved himself but he took them in and raised them as his own because his protective nature couldn’t let vulnerable creatures defend for themselves. He just could not abandon cute baby turtles and remember Lone Rat and Cubs? Splinter lost it when Raph’s shell got cracked and when Donnie almost blew up Spike before he mutated, Raph yelled at his brother for being stupid.

They are both true to themselves. Raph never tries to be someone else unlike his brother Leo who tries to be like a cartoon character or his father! Raph may hate himself sometimes but that doesn’t stop him from being himself and being proud of who he is. The only reason Raph may hate himself is because his temper sometimes loses control and it causes his loved ones to get hurt. Raph never denied that he has a problem but he refused to let his brothers make it seem like he doesn’t care or he’s not trying. Raph knows he has anger problems, he just doesn’t know how to control it but that doesn’t stop him from trying. Raph doesn’t try to be someone else but he does try to be his better self.

When Tang Shen wanted Splinter to give up being a ninja, he refused. Splinter loved Tang Shen and would do anything for her but he will not pretend to be someone he’s not. Splinter is a warrior, he could not just turn his back on that. Though that does not mean he put his clan before her. On Lone Rats and Cubs, Splinter said he wanted to be both. He didn’t get the chance with his wife because Shredder killed her but he will not fail his sons, this time he will be both father and warrior.

Family is everything to both Splinter and Raph. Nothing comes before their family, nothing! Not even themselves. When Raph tried to be leader for a day, Mikey got hurt and Raph instantly blamed himself. He even said, “I don’t care about risking my own life but risking my brothers’...”

Raph realized his mistake and understood Leo much better than he did before. He let his pride and stubbornness blind him and his little brother paid the price. Raph never tried to be leader again after that, he knew his place on the team, he was the warrior, the protector and though he has potential to be a good leader one day, it’s not a role he ever wants again.

Before Saki came, Splinter was apologizing to Shen, feeling bad for their argument and wanting to make it right. “I am sorry, Shen. You and Miwa are my life, without you I am a shadow.” He meant what he said, though Splinter moved on and made a new family with his sons, you knew that he often thought about the family he lost in Japan. He never stops missing them and you can tell that he regrets not being a better husband towards his wife.

They are both fiercely loyal, compassionate, determined, stubborn, prideful, and true.

They both have the same taste in women! Most men can’t stand being overpowered by women. Men want women who depend on them but not Splinter and Raphael! They find a woman who has an independent-fighting-spirit, attractive.

When Raph first met Monalisa they were enemies but once Mona punched Raph, knocking him down and he saw how ruthless of a fighter she is, sparks flew! We all know Monalisa is a warrior but she is also a caring, independent, brave and strong woman.

When Raph tried to defend her after Bishop basically called her stupid, Mona quickly stopped him and said, “I can take care of myself Raphael, thank you.” She then glared at Bishop and said, “If you dare talk to me like that again, I will chew up your Utrom brian and spit it out!” She threatened without hesitation. Even Raph was scared of her at that moment!

Then there is Splinter and Tang Shen. We never got to see how Splinter and Shen met but we do see a bit of Shen’s personality in Tale Of The Yokai, Shen is a fierce, honest, independent, brave woman. Shen never holds back on how she feels and tells Splinter that the ninja life is something she doesn’t want for her daughter, worried for her safety but Splinter wouldn’t hear a word of it. Shen then told Splinter firmly that he has to choose and then leaves. Splinter calls out and offers to walk her home (My guess hoping they could figure something out) but Shen said. “I can take care of myself. I’ve always had.”

Shen clearly makes her own choices she thinks is right as well as Mona. They both take care of their lovers, support them, and love them dearly. If anything, Splinter and Raph depend on them but that doesn’t mean they don’t like to take care of their women too. Also, to everyone else, they show their warrior side but to their lovers they show a much more soft vulnerable side.

Hamato Raphael is Hamato Yoshi’s son and he is proud to be! Though Raph isn’t Splinter’s biological son, Raph seemed to have inherited his father’s fiery-warrior spirit.

So, still think Leo is a lot like Splinter? Let me know!

(Not of the photos are mine and I don’t own TMNT!)

[a-fools-circus]

Ghostober Day 7: Cockwarming & Objectification

Pairing: Papa III/f!Reader Word Count: 1.4k Tags/Warnings: cockwarming, slight d/s dynamic, degradation, objectification, spanking, mention of choking, Terzo is a tease

if this seems self-indulgent that's because it is

NSFW below the cut/Minors DNI

If there was anything that surprised you most about Terzo, it was his patience when it came to teasing. Never was his self-control so strong than when he drew out his seductive taunting or some form of discipline.

You should’ve known better than to interrupt Terzo when he was working (as rare of a sight as it is, you should’ve savored it). But it was just too hard to resist him, too hard to deny how hot and bothered you were, too hard to stop yourself from pursuing his touch. 

You were so excited to sink onto his cock, to feel him satiate your every desire, that you didn't have to think twice about his order to strip and sit on his lap. He was holding you tight, guiding you downwards and groaning with you as you took his entire length, before muttering to you: “You’re going to sit here, completely still, and wait. If you move even an inch, I’ll make you wait even longer.” 

The idea was fun at first, almost like a game to see who would be the first to give in. 

But then he kept working. And kept working. And kept working…

You weren’t exactly sure of the time, but you can only assume it’s been at least twenty minutes—even though it felt like an eternity. 

You sigh into the crook of his neck as you squirm slightly in Terzo’s lap. The movement earns you a sharp tug on your hair, forcing your head back to meet his steely gaze. 

“Dolcezza, I know you’re not getting impatient already, are you?” Your lips part to speak, but the words don’t come out. You shake your head instead. “Good. You still have a long while to go. I’m not even halfway done.”

It takes every ounce of your restraint not to whine at his words. He releases your hair from his grip, allowing your head to return to his neck. Your breathing is heavy despite not receiving any friction. The quiet etching of his pen and the faint tick of a clock are the only sounds in the room. 

Your back arches slightly as you press your chest against him. At this point, it doesn't matter where you feel it, you just need more contact. 

“You’re pushing your luck, cara.” You hear him sigh with a strained huff. “Toys don’t get impatient, sì?”

A slight whine of frustration leaves your lips. You know you shouldn’t move but, fuck, it’s hard to stay still when you’re so aware of how his girth keeps you stretched open. You nuzzle absentmindedly into Terzo’s neck. You barely whine a small “please” against his skin. You weren’t even sure if he could hear your breathless voice.

Oh, but he does.

Almost immediately, you feel a harsh slap on the swell of your ass. You can’t even yelp in response before Terzo’s hand snakes around your neck, fingers curling around your throat. It’s that same, perfect grip he’s used so many times before—the one that makes your head hazy and your cunt throb. 

“Toys don’t talk either, now do they?” Terzo growls in your ear. His other hand caresses the red mark blooming on your backside, kneading your soft flesh. He pushes you back until his gaze finds your own. “Now, are you going to be a good toy, piccola bambola?” 

Hesitantly, you nod your head, your eyes desperate and pleading. He guides you close, silently encouraging you to return to your nuzzling position, before sliding his hand off of your throat. You take in a deep breath and flutter your eyes closed.

You try to focus on anything except your conjoined bodies, but it’s nearly impossible. Your hands ball into fists, careful not to graze or tug at Terzo’s clothing. 

All you can do is hope that his patience is wearing thin, hope that he can feel every twitch and throb of your walls. As much as you want to take charge, to roll your hips even slightly, you know the reward will be worth the wait. You can’t help but dwell on the thought, wondering what Terzo would do for you—no, to you—for following his directions so well. 

You didn't even realize how much your walls fluttered at the thought until one of Terzo’s hands moved to rest on your waist with a groan. His fingers rub gentle circles against your skin. The gesture would be sweet if he wasn’t being so torturous. 

Another low groan rumbles in his throat. You barely hear him curse under his breath. “You’re testing my patience, cara, you know that?” You’re confused by his words at first, unaware of what you had done. But then a surge of pride swells in your chest at the knowledge that just feeling your body pushes him to the edge of his restraint.

In a swift movement that catches you off guard, Terzo’s hands grab the underside of your thighs before he rises to his feet. He keeps your body intertwined with his as he lays you on top of his desk. His movements are forceful and demanding, but you know he’d never exceed your limitations.

Terzo’s hands grip your thighs firmer, spreading them as far apart as you’ll allow, before sliding out and pounding into you. You yelp at his sudden, forceful movement.

Papers shuffle and flutter underneath your body as he thrusts into you. The sounds of disarray are drowned out by your moans, though you think you hear his pen hit the ground at one point. Neither of you care. 

“You just…ah…can’t keep quiet, can you?” He pants, his thrusts already picking up speed. “You just have to let me know how much you like it; how much you want to be Papa’s toy?”

You bite your lip, trying desperately to adhere to his rules and remain still and quiet. “Mm-hmm…” You hum, eyes fluttering shut.

Another sudden, sharp sting shoots through you as his palm connects with your backside. “Let me hear you, bambola. This is what you wanted, yes? For me to use you?”

Your loud moans cut through the air. “Yes, yes I…I want…fuck, I need it.” You can’t stop yourself from reaching out to him, your arms wrapping around his neck as he leans over you. “Please, use me, Papa.”

“Can’t even sit still…” He scoffs, his hips rolling against your own. “Just so desperate for my cock, huh? Cazzo, you've got such a needy little cunt.”

All the teasing and mounting tension builds into a whirlwind of pleasure that crashes through you suddenly. You’re barely able to warn him of your release before it hits you, calling out his title and clenching tightly around him. You’re left a panting, sweaty mess beneath him, but he doesn’t offer you any respite. 

Terzo’s movements become almost primal—raw and uninhibited—as he drives deeper and deeper into you. He relishes in your tightness, savoring every stroke as your body throbs desperately around him. A guttural set of moans leaves his lips before the telltale signs of his own climax converge.

Your thighs tense under his unrelenting grip. He spills himself into you, rolling his hips against yours with each kick of his cock buried within you. He rests his forehead against yours, your warm breaths mingling as you pant into each other's mouths. 

A sudden surge of need courses through you as you carefully push Terzo away from you. The loss of contact as he slips out of you makes you whine. You scoot forward, sliding off the desk and dropping to your knees before him. 

Terzo barely has time to register your movements before your lips clamp around him. He groans, a slight hiss underlining his noises. You intended to clean him up, licking and sucking your own arousal off of him—though you wouldn’t mind if the action reignited his desire in the process. But you didn’t expect his hand to curl in your hair and pull you forward as he shoved his half-hard cock down your throat. 

Your hands fly up to hold his thighs as you fight the urge to gag. He doesn’t thrust or pull your hair tight, he merely keeps your head flush against his hips, panting as he looks down at you. 

“I should keep you right here, just like this, yeah? See how impatient you get then.” Terzo’s fingers run gently through the strands of your hair. “I wouldn’t mind another wet hole to keep my cock in.”

You moan around him, tears threatening to form in your eyes. He pulls out of the warmth of your mouth and watches the way strands of your saliva connect your lips to his cock. 

“I don’t think you’ve learned your lesson yet. Perhaps my toy needs a bit more breaking in.”

[katasstrophy]

isagi brain juice ! enjoy this lil sneak peek of what i’m working on (isagi’s lowk a dick here but we humble him, but then we get humbled back ) —

isagi knew you were moody. it was something he disciplined himself to be patient for and he prided himself in being able to handle your mood swings. but right now he’s just trying to think of a way to not let his veins pop out of frustration.

“you’re being dramatic, i told you it was my fault already!” isagi frowned, his index and thumb rubbing the temples of his forehead to soothe the little headache forming.

“if you know it’s your fault then why aren’t you apologizing?” scoffing at his eye roll you pause your cleaning on the countertop and cross your arms at him, foot tapping in annoyance.

“because YN you should know that practice is irregular— if you’d told me that your parents were coming over earlier i’d have asked for a day off!”

gritting your teeth in anger you walked up to the man and rivaled his glare with your own, temper flaring at his ignorance. “yoichi i don’t want to have to hear that bullshit excuse from you ever again because like you, i’m also an athlete and i have better time management than blue lock’s so called hero.”

letting out a huff of anger isagi throws his head back and feels his patience thrown out the window. any self control he had before was now gone.

“just because you have better time management doesn’t mean shit to me YN. you don’t need an ego for your sport, i do. my career literally depends on me and my confidence to kick the ball. so sorry if i don’t have time to play house with you.”

before isagi could walk away you made sure to grab the silver necklace he wore- the one with your initials on it and drag him down to you height— eyes flaring in anger, and with a low voice you whisper in his ear as your words trembled in anger. “ don’t take it out on me that you don’t have the balls to kick a fucking football isagi yoichi. just because you’re too pussy to consistently keep an ego doesn’t mean you can disrespect our relationship.” grabbing his jaw firmly you make the blue eyed boy look into your eyes, making sure his line of vision was focused on you. “unlike you yoichi i’m not a dog to ego. following his orders to a T. why don’t you just wear a collar with his name on it? that way when he wants to go on a walk he can just strap a leash on you whenever he pleases.”

laughing to yourself you release his necklace and began to walk away— but not before isagi grabs the back of your shirt and drags you back to him, his arms harshly man-handling you to lay on the table, pinning yours against smooth surface as he let out a growl of frustration.

“you’ve gotten mouthy ever since you landed a spot on the national team YN. i recommend to think before you speak because i’ll make sure you never say that shit to me again.” he seethed.

pressing your arms harder onto the surface he felt himself smirk at your whimper.

“if i’m a dog then you’re my bitch. remember that pretty.”

the way i’ve been hogging this all too myself like a professional hoarder literally WHAT THE FUCK KAYLA i can’t keep going on like this. like WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT WHOOOOO ALLOWED YOU TO ASSULT MY EYEBALLS WITH THIS TOE CURLING DRABBLE???? the audacity. no consideration for my wellbeing and sanity ABSOLUTELY NONE ZERO hope ur ready to cover my medical bills bc i have permanent asthma from wheezing so hard while reading this i am NOOTTTT OKAAYYY SCREECHING TEARING MY HAIR OUT

where do i even START you’ve been feeding me ur angry isagi agenda for a while now BUT THIS IS NEXT LEVEL CAUTION HOT MIGHT BURN SCALDING …. i will quite literally never get tired of readers being just as much IF NOT MORE of an asshole especially when it comes to bllk boys like ,,,, YES BBIE BE NASTY AND DEPRAVED AND A MASSIVE JERK WITH ANGER ISSUES i want every blue lock guy ever to go “is my type insane women??? hot” i’m foaming at the mouf coochie weeping

AND BOY DID YOU DELIVVEERRRRRR. like the argument here is so insane(ly sexy). they went off so hard the clap backs??? i gasped out loud it was vicious instant hit call the firemen for that type of first degree burn kinda insults. reader grabbing ISAGI’S CHAIN WITH HER INITIALS TO BRING HIM TO EYE LEVEL what if i came what then. there’s just so much audacity and tension bc they’re both pro athletes.

“if i’m your dog then you’re my bitch. remember that pretty.” THIS TOOK ME OUUTTTT LOORRDDD. the contrast of bitch and pretty like yeah he’s gonna hate fuck the shit out of you on the kitchen counter but ur still his pretty baby he’s obsessed with you.

[majorbaby]

20 questions for fic writers

thank you so much for the tag @bornforastorm, i loved reading through yours :3 

i will tag @marley-manson / @rescue-ram / @persianflaw / @leonardcohenofficial / @raywritesthings

1. How many works do you have on Ao3? 14… will be 15 in under 24 hrs ;)

2. What's your total Ao3 word count? 136,971… just over 100K of which were published this year :D 

3. What fandoms do you write for? MASH at the moment, with no end in sight. I have two ideas for twin peaks but not much motivation to write them, let alone the discipline. 

4. What are your top five fics by kudos? if you really wanna know here’s my ao3 and you can you sort by kudos, i don’t wanna link my fics in other fandoms that are almost 7 years old now… pls… 

5. Do you respond to comments? i used to be quite diligent about doing it but when i was publishing near-daily for kinktober i fell behind because i was literally writing every day. i may still go back to respond to them because i like doing it. 

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? the beejhawk sex pollen fic (heavy dubcon warning)

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? i’m realizing that most of traphawk fics are only ‘happy endings’ if you see them as self-contained, which they aren’t really, because even though trapper’s exit isn’t at all relevant, i’m not consciously ‘unwriting’ that. but in-fic probably Goodbye, Farewell and Amen to That because it explicitly states that TrapHawk can handle whatever is thrown at them, which would include whatever happens post-fic. 

8. Do you get hate on fics? for a while i had an anon who submitted vagues about me / my work so like yes, i’ve read a couple vagues seemed they were about my fic but, and i know this sounds like a cop-out but genuinely, i’m kinda flattered by anyone who hates my fic and still manages to read the whole thing and write a public post about how how they didn’t like it? like, what are we??? 

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? i consider myself primarily a smut writer, only incidentally non-smut writer. i write all kinds and can’t wait to diversify more. 

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? my dream fic is a specific crossover.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? yes

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? not recently, but in former fandoms yes. 

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? sort of. it isn’t published. but maybe soon. 

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? traphawk is the ship to me. some things we should be dramatic about: there’s the traphawk that i write and then there’s the traphawk that i live, which only my irl trapper understands 

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? now that i have discovered the margaret longfic i really want to write i’ve officially abandoned my 80K canon-compliant margaret WIP

16. What are your writing strengths? i’m disciplined, i want to improve, i take risks, i’m curious, i’m honest and i welcome strong challenges from the people who edit my work.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? i have some barriers (i’m dyslexic and english is my not my first language) but i could still stand to be much more diligent about grammar and punctuation. beyond that, my prose tends to be flowery and verbose and need to be reined in a lot. i’m trying to get better at on my own but it helps that my OG beta, marley, is kind of my stylistic foil lol (hope she doesn’t mind me saying), she trims a lot of the fat from my work and helps me communicate my ideas better. lastly, sometimes i suffer from being really married to an idea that sounded cooler in my head than it does on paper, and i have a really hard time setting it down.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? i say this as someone who is multilingual - it’s almost never a good idea, especially in fic, if you’re having a main character speak partially in another language for no reason except to note that you, the author, knows that they speak another language. it could maybe make sense for atmosphere, but in that case, just say “they were speaking x language / they said something in x language”. 

i’ll be honest, it annoys me so much that if i see a character in a fic drop a few words in a language other than english and then continue on in english that i will x-out of a fic. there’s got to be some thoughtful in-universe explanation for that e.g. if you’re in Canada, bilingual service agents will say ‘Hello/Bonjour’ to you to indicate that you have an option to speak with them in either language. 

19. First fandom you wrote for? uhhh i honestly don’t remember. i’ve been writing fanfiction since before i was a teenager. first time i published it might’ve been for the legend of zelda. 

20. Favorite fic you’ve written? at the moment it’s cherry bomb! because it was a nice, smutty interlude in traphawk’s relationship and a fic that exists mostly for kink’s sake but still has a distinct vibe, unlike filthysweet which i don’t hate, but imo is unremarkable. CB is 95% style 5% substance and still contains weight somehow. i really hope i can recreate that again. 

[draculasfavoritewife]

Night Terrors

Summary: Some things might never change, but every once in awhile, even the painful ghosts of the past can give way to further intimacy.

Pairing: Emma Frost x Scott Summers

Warnings: Mentions of death and past abuse, implied smut at the end. Angst galore.

I am a gleefully unrepentant shipper of these two and love getting inside their beautifully messy heads :) They were probably the first character ship I rabidly helmed, and to my dying day I will maintain that Emma is better for Scott than Jean ever was. That is all!

He wakes up violently again, muscles surging against her skin, only two decades of strict discipline keeping him silent, holding back the anguish that rips through his mind, simmering in the pit of his chest. 

Emma Frost is used to this, much as she wishes she weren’t. When you sleep with Scott Summers, the nightmares are part of the package. Not that she could ever fault him for it. She has her demons, too, the screams that won’t ever quite fade away, the haunted eyes, the scars and the bad choices. 

No, the reason she wishes it weren’t the case is that she hates feeling him in so much pain, most of it self-inflicted. 

She wishes he would open up instead of stuffing all of it down deep into that locked box in his psyche where it festers until it inevitably overflows. But then, who is she to make such demands of him? Emma Frost knows better than anyone how to hide weakness — how to repress her hurt, her doubts, anything that anyone could use to take advantage of her. 

Like her, Scott has been hiding his weaknesses his entire life. She alone sees through the cracks in his armor. She is the only one he allows to touch the scars inside of him, the ones that run so much deeper and are so much more painful than the physical scars scattered across his bare torso beneath her. 

Yet there are still things they don’t talk about. 

He’s trained himself never to open his eyes when he wakes. Even when he sleeps, she can feel his subconscious awareness that he isn’t wearing his protective glasses. His eyes stay shut, but his hands find her, his fingertips digging into the smooth skin of her back and tangling in her silky hair with a searching ferocity that borders on painful. She lets her own eyes flutter open, and as he feels her eyelashes brush his chest, his breathing relaxes. 

“Em?” 

She tells him she hates pet names and sentimental drivel like that, but he could tell, by the way she stubbornly kept her lips from curving up into a smirk the first time he called her so, that she really didn’t. 

She leans back slightly, pulling her weight from his body so he can take a deeper breath. “Yes, Darling?” 

“I’m sorry.” 

Emma huffs an annoyed breath, blowing stray hairs away from her face. Sometimes it seems Scott’s entire vocabulary consists of “I’m sorry”. Doesn’t he remember, after the handful of years they’ve been together already, that she isn’t the Professor, demanding a certain standard of performance from him? She isn’t Logan, telling him off. 

She sure as hell isn’t HER, either. 

Old habits die hard, they say. 

Which is why, instead of voicing any of this aloud, she conceals her frustration at his apology and presses her lips to his strong jawline. “I’m a light sleeper, Scott. And it’s hot in here. It was only a matter of time before I woke up anyway.” 

He knows that’s a lie. He knows she would sleep past noon every day of the week if he didn’t tease and coax her out from their nest each morning with the promise that she can join him in the shower. But he doesn’t challenge her. He’s still too raw and tender from whatever old horrors his thoughts cooked up for him this time. 

“You sound like you want to talk,” she prods, sitting up. Moonlight slants in through the window, turning her already pale complexion silvery white. 

“I don’t,” he mutters, rolling away from her. “Go back to sleep.” 

Emma sighs and kicks away the sheets tangled around her long legs. “Well, you have my full attention, Lover. And something’s got your mind in a twist. Care to untangle it for me? Or am I supposed to simply await the next time I’m jolted awake so abruptly?” 

His broad back tenses. “You don’t like it, I can sleep somewhere else for the rest of the night.” 

Any other time, Emma would have laughed out loud at what he just said. This is his room they share, the room he has occupied since before she even knew what the Xavier Institute was, and he is the one offering to leave, instead of suggesting she do so. Whether it comes from his endearing sense of chivalry, or the fact that he’s completely wrapped around her finger, she isn’t sure. But it is funny. 

She has a feeling he’s not in the mood for a laugh tonight. He rarely is even at the best of times. So serious. So controlled. So…perfect, in front of everyone else. 

Emma was delighted when she first met him. She remembers the satisfaction of glancing through his thoughts and seeing how beautifully imperfect he actually is. Everything he worked so hard to keep from everyone else — the rage, the passion, the guilt, the POWER — she tasted it, lingering there in the wings from day one. She’s not the most religious person in the room, never has been, but something about meeting Scott Summers almost made her believe in a higher power. 

Why else would they have crossed paths? 

She reaches out, her caress sliding from his rigid shoulder all the way down to his hip, and he loosens slightly. “If you don’t want to talk…what about showing me?” This is nearly unheard of for her. She’s lived her whole life using her prodigious telepathic abilities to take what she wants and manipulate who she could in the name of self-preservation. It speaks volumes of how much he means to her, of the level of trust and respect they’ve cultivated in the years since they met, that she does not invade his thoughts whenever she pleases, asking for his consent instead. 

He’s known her long enough to realize this. 

Scott allows her to pull him towards her again, and he lets her in. Emma loves his mind, almost gets a rush from it when he bares himself this fully for her. She revels in the complexity of his keen intelligence, the turbulence of his emotions, the overwhelming drive and ambition that pushes him constantly to new levels of greatness. This is why she believes in him, why all of them believe in him, whether they are aware of it or not. If she had the time, she would willingly spend days in here, learning all of his idiosyncrasies, getting lost in his memories like a well-curated museum. 

The trail of his despair is easy enough to follow despite her desire to window-shop, and as she follows it ever deeper, his reluctance drags at her feet. She has a sneaking suspicion she knows which dream this is. 

Then she’s rounded a corner and there it is, playing out in front of her like a television rerun. The nightmare that most frequently haunts his slumber, the one they don’t talk about. 

The one about HER. 

She stands cold and aloof, an observer and nothing more as the flames rise higher and a woman cries out in agony and fury. Phoenix has always lingered here, in his mind. Emma can still feel whispers of the time when the redheaded woman was the one running her fingers through Scott’s memories and not her. Her presence is everywhere here, the one place that never changes even if Scott dresses in more expensive clothes now and has taken to leaving his jaw fashionably scruffy because Emma likes it. Another woman was here first, and no one can take that fact away. 

“It was different this time.” 

Emma turns to see him approaching her from behind. Not the same one currently playing out the grim theatre of death in his memory, but the real Scott. She feels a pain in her chest, though she would deny it, at the sight of his astral image still wearing his glasses, even though he can’t hurt anyone here. She turns away. 

“How was it different?” The words come out in her White Queen voice, the frozen tones she used before she met him. Emma hadn’t realized until now just how different her natural voice is when they’re together. 

He reaches out as if to put a hand on her shoulder, then has second thoughts and drops it to his side again. “Just keep watching, I guess.” 

So she does, and to her surprise, when the flames die and Phoenix with them, the woman the other Scott is cradling in his arms isn’t a redhead. Straight, pale blond hair is what she sees flowing over his shoulder as he breaks down, and it hits her with an odd gravity that she’s never watched herself die before. 

“I thought I lost you,” Scott tells her, voice low as he looks at the ground. 

Emma turns to meet his gaze again, and a tear rolls down her cheek before she can stop it. “You…it was me?” 

He nods, biting his lip. A moment of silence passes between them, and then he reaches for her hands, gazing down into her face. “I love you, Em,” he murmurs. 

She’s always had a more difficult time saying it than he does. He says it all the time in his thoughts, sometimes even aloud. It’s the way he ends most of their conversations. But he’s known real love, what it feels like, and she’s only ever heard the word as a euphemism for something that means absolutely nothing when the wrong people are doing it. 

In his thoughts, here and now, she thinks she understands what love really is, though. 

So she says it back. 

“I love you, Scott Summers.” 

Then he’s kissing her, and she’s always loved when he does it like this, alone in his head where no one else can see, when it’s just the two of them at their most vulnerable, more naked than they can ever be in real life. It’s intimate, it’s perfect, and she suddenly pities all those unfortunate souls that will never be able to experience a unity like this. 

Though if anyone ever accused Emma Frost of pitying anyone, she would slam them into next week. 

When she becomes aware of her own physical body again, Scott is sitting up in front of her, his eyes still shut but his thumb softly wiping the tear from her cheek. If it had been anyone else, she would be offended at their care, at their sympathy, at the assumption that she needs anyone to look out for her. But it’s Scott, and his touch is so gentle, and his lips are slightly smiling at her, and so she feels that pathetic warm and fuzzy feeling that only he has ever drawn out of her. 

She leans in to kiss him for real, sliding her tongue across his soft lips, and he returns the kiss with all of the warmth and passion in him, and she tells him again in their minds just how much she loves him. 

When they break apart, Emma allows her skin to harden, changing her body to diamond in his embrace. He senses the difference, her coldness against his skin, and tips his head to one side, questioning. “Em, are you sure?” 

“Yes,” she whispers. “Yes, Scott. Look at me.” 

His eyelids open, and she’s staring into his eyes. Even though her capacity to feel is deadened when she is like this, she knows how much she loves his eyes. They’re beautiful in their burning crimson glory, so much raging energy thundering out of them like an untamable force of nature. Those eyes that have killed, that have pulverized steel into dust and destroyed even the staunchest juggernauts he has faced, are nothing more than gorgeous to her. 

She can look him in the eye without his protective shields, something no one else on earth can do. It lights her up inside, both literally and figuratively she thinks, as she sees the patterns shining through her translucent body reflected on their bedroom walls. 

He closes his eyes again and rests his forehead against hers. “Thank you.” 

Even without her telepathy, she picks up on what he’s not saying, his desire for her to return to flesh and blood again, and what he wants to do to her when she has. “Don’t you want me to stay this way?” she asks coolly. “Most men would go mad at the very idea of having an entire woman forged of pure diamond in their arms.” 

“I’m not most men,” he replies simply. “And lovely as you are like this, I really prefer my entire woman much…softer.” 

She acquiesces, and he pushes her over so that he is the one on top now. “You’re certainly getting more assertive, Mr. Summers.” 

His smile is perhaps the closest thing to wicked she’s ever seen cross his handsome face. “That is entirely your fault, Love.” 

“Something I don’t mind blaming myself for,” she snarks, twisting her fingers in his thick hair. “What happened to ‘Go back to sleep’?” 

“Oh we will, don’t worry. But we’re going to get good and tired out first.” 

As he takes over, Emma reflects that his threats are the only ones she’s ever looked forward to fulfilling. 

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi, How do I develop Te and Se as INTJ? It’s very hard for me to get into action or being disciplined enough to do what I want to do. And also a lot of Ni-Fi loop that feels horrible to be in.

I would say decide what you want to do, and come up with a step by step plan of how to do it (what needs done first, in what order, and what can you do today to start the process?) with a reasonable timeline. Often people do not take action because they’re unsure of what to do, but having a plan helps you get started. As my ISTJ mother says, “Dreams are just hopes unless you have a plan, and plans only work if you actually CARE about what you are doing enough to stick to your plan.” For example, if you want to get in shape, what time every day are you going to exercise, what routine or video are you going to use, and how long are you going to do it? “I want to get in shape” is a wish/dream. Deciding those things gives you a plan and sets you in motion. So, you need PLANS. To decide up front “I am doing this at this time” and then just doing it. Do it often enough, it becomes a habit. And so on.

One of the people I know a guy (he’s Se-dom, probably ESTP) and he has so much energy he could ‘hang out from morning til evening, go out at night, get laid with 2 girls then go to the airport at 4.30 am’ in a single day, rest one night and get back to work the next day. I was amazed how he could even do it without crashing. I would need like a whole week to recover from that. I want to know if that is even a possibility for us ENP and INJ? Being really high energy and active?

No, it isn’t. He sounds like a double-assertive/energetic type (7w8?), and as a Se-dom, the environment pumps him up whereas it drains an intuitive. An intuitive CAN be high energy if they are extroverted, but INJs are less driven and more easily overwhelmed by the environment. HOWEVER… I suspect if you really cared about what you were focusing on achieving (Fi), you would find a wealth of reserve energy within yourself to direct toward your goal (Te).

For context, I’m working toward something and that requires high amount of work and efforts. I’m living off my savings now which can last me around 6 months. I focus most of my times on meeting the prerequisite of the job I want in the future. But I feel like I am not as active as I should be. Far from it, actually. It’s really hard to be active even when you know better. Then this guy also told me to ‘get a new job already’ because I need to be active in the world and not living as a shut-in. He made a good point that I need to open my horizon more. Thing is, just motivating myself to get things done at home is hard enough. Juggling both a job/training + my own personal goal is going to be really hard to pull off. Planning and envisioning are effortless but to get my hands dirty and develop self-discipline, not so much. So, any advice is much appreciated. Thank you!

Well, for one thing, you and he are different people, with different energy levels and ambitions, so you can’t and should not compare your output to his. You will always fall short when you play the comparison game with an aggressive ESTP.

I suppose a good place to start is – is the job you are working at now part of how you are going to get to where you want to be, or is it just paying the bills? If the latter, do you think that might be contributing to your sense of apathy, because you know this isn’t taking you where you want to go? Is there another job you could get that would be taking you in the direction of where you see yourself in a few years? Getting another job needs to be a stepping stone toward the end result you want, not just “getting out there.” INJs need forward momentum, to feel like they are moving toward their ideal life. Just any job won’t cut it.

Self-discipline is indeed hard. It’s a matter of mind over body – the mind being willing and the body saying NOPE. Every book I have read on productivity says that if you go whole-hog as an undisciplined person, you will burn out because you can’t keep it up. Starting small and thinking small is where you will succeed over time. For example, I swore to myself that this year, I was going to get in shape. I started doing intense 30 minute cardio workouts in the morning and after a week, I hated it and was fighting with myself every morning to “show up.” So I decided to start a lot smaller. 10 minutes of Pilates every morning. I’ve done that for two weeks, it never feels like too much, but it actually BURNS, so I know it’s working. As I do it each morning, I think “I should do another session,” and then I think, “No, ten minutes for now. Work up to 20. Let it take time, so you crave it and are used to doing it and don’t burn out and then think ‘laying here in bed is more fun.’”

What is it you want to learn to do, and develop self-discipline around? What’s a small thing that you do toward that end every day? Let’s say you want to write a book. What’s a micro-goal to set? Write 100 words a day? Start there. Often, once you do something long enough, and commit to it, you go – this isn’t as hard as I thought, I could do a bit more (write more, exercise longer, submit my job resume to one more place…). To develop self-discipline, you need to first establish a habit, and the smaller the habit, the easier it is to DO it without hating it. Anyone can do 3 push-ups a day, or write 50 words, or make one “better” food choice. Soon, the habits become second nature and voila, you have developed self-discipline. :)

(This method works for any type, btw.)

[heircate]

« 5 minutes of work is better than 0 »

Bullshit. That’s what I used to think. Another « inspirational » and « motivational » quote that doesn’t mean anything and won’t help me.

I was so wrong.

This quote is the truest thing ever.

I am a huge procrastinator. Like a huge one. I never and I mean never do any work in advance, I’m always on a rush, finishing assignments the night before and all those types of things that procrastinators experience everyday. I just can’t bring myself to take the time to actually do things when I know I can do it later.

But then I thought about this quote and decided to apply it to my life for a bit, just to see.

I am currently revising for my final exams in psychology. Or at least I am supposed to do so.

So now, every time I have five minutes of doing nothing and my first thought is to go on my phone or do something useless, I think of this quote and I revise. Even if it’s just for five minutes. Even if I only read one sentence or write five words. It’s one sentence I wouldn’t have read if I got on my phone, it’s five words I wouldn’t have written if I decided that those five minutes weren’t enough to do something.

And it might seem like it’s purposeless, like writing five words or reading one sentence won’t help me to succeed at my exams. But think of every five minutes of nothing you have in your day. Think of every time you scroll on your phone or stare in the void of your roof thinking about the meaning of life. If you write five words during all those little moments instead of doing nothing, in the end, you’ll have a thousand words written down and won’t feel shitty about yourself for procrastinating.

At first, it’s hard to discipline yourself, but when you really think about it and actually look to the long term and it becomes way easier.

For example, I finished eating earlier with my family today and I usually get on tik tok for a bit before getting ready to go to bed. Instead of going on my phone, I thought « I have a little more time than I usually do, let’s finish the biology page I started earlier today, it will be better than having done nothing and I won’t feel guilty for scrolling on my phone after ». So I did. I finished my page and I found myself in a good « study mood » after doing so, so I kept going, and in the end, I finished my whole chapter in 20 minutes.

That’s a page I wouldn’t have finished if I got on tik tok right away instead of taking five minutes to invest in myself, my studies and my future. That’s a chapter I wouldn’t have finished if I didn’t find the motivation after finishing the first page.

The end of procrastination is just a matter of five minutes. And then five others. And five others. And so on until one day, you realise you aren’t in a rush anymore. Your assignments are finished, your revisions are done on time. And you have become a better self because you prioritised yourself and your future, for five minutes.

[walkswithmyfather]

“There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror...” —1 John 4:18 (AMPC)

“Fear Not!” By Joyce Meyer:

“Wouldn’t everything in life be better if we didn’t have to deal with fear? Of course, there are healthy fears that alert us to danger—and these are good because they protect us. There is also the fear of God, which means to have a holy, reverential awe and respect for Him. But there is a debilitating fear that Satan tries to put on us every day that is intended to keep us from having the power, love, and sound mind that God wants us to have.

If you have ever struggled as I once did with anxiety, you are familiar with the worry, stress, and feeling of heaviness that comes with it. Many people struggle with fear that has no obvious cause or source. They wonder why they are always afraid and can’t change, no matter how hard they try. Others spend every minute worrying about what might happen. “What if…” is their favorite phrase. “What if I can’t pay the bills?” “What if my child gets hurt?” “What if my husband loses his job?” The endless list of possible tragedies keeps these unfortunate people bound up and miserable every day of their lives.

There are many serious things going on in the world, and we need to be aware of them and prepare for them. But we also need to learn to resist fear when it rises up against us. The Word tells us, God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control (2 Timothy 1:7 AMPC).

Sometimes we think of fear as an emotion, but we need to realize that fear is actually a spirit. In fact, I believe fear is one of Satan’s favorite tools, and he particularly loves to torment Christians with it. At every possible opportunity, he will whisper in your ear, telling you that God has forgotten you and there is no hope. It makes sense that Satan would try to intimidate us with fear.

But Jesus said, All things can be (are possible) to him who believes! (Mark 9:23 AMPC). We have to believe that there is nothing worse for the enemy than an on-fire, Bible-believing Christian who is fearless! God didn’t promise us that life would be easy. We all will face problems and challenges. But the outcome depends on whether we trust God—or give in to fear.

Psalm 23:4 (AMPC) says, Yes, though I walk through the [deep, sunless] valley of the shadow of death, I will fear or dread no evil, for You are with me; Your rod [to protect] and Your staff [to guide], they comfort me. The psalmist David said he walked through the valley.

When we fear or become afraid, we can be sure that’s not God at work, but one of the sly tricks of our spiritual enemy. If he can make us think that God hates us or wants to punish us, we’ll allow those thoughts to fill our minds, and we’ll start losing the battle.

God is love. We can never say those words enough. The only thing we can add is: and God loves me. Fear is a spirit that must be confronted head on—it will not leave on its own. We must proclaim the Word of God and command fear to leave. So the next time fear knocks on your door, send faith to answer!

Prayer of the Day: Lord Jesus, when I read Your Word, I find assurances of Your love for me. There are times, however, when I feel unworthy of Your love, but You never loved me because I’m worthy; You loved me because You are love. In Your name I pray, Lord Jesus, thanking You for Your reassurance that I am truly loved by You, and that therefore I have no reason to fear, amen.”

[ss3890]

20-Day Deity Challenge courtesy of @broomsick : LINK:

So, initially I wasn’t sure what to think about this one. But as I sit down at the end of a very long and exhausting day, I find this exercise to be a valuable one.

I lit my altar, sat on my bed, gazed at my Hecate figurine, and realized that I’ve never sat down to speak to her as I would a friend. It had never occurred to me to do such a thing…and in realizing that, I felt a pang of remorse.

Why was that? Why had that never crossed my mind to do? I don’t really have an answer - maybe it’s easy to take something for granted when it’s seemingly all-knowing and always at your side. Regardless, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have a chat with her every now and then, and I apologized for that.

I almost didn’t sit down and do this before going to bed. I was going to push it to tomorrow, already at my day’s limit for socialization and being engaged with the world at large - but I figured if everyone else got their moment today, then she should have one, too. Bucked up. Made the time.

Had to do it in my head as my husband was sharing the room, but did it all the same. Sat and stared at her, sipped my decaf coffee, and just talked to her.

Told her about how I’m working on morning willpower - on how happy I am when I manage to get out of bed and get breakfast and lunches made for my husband and I. It’s an act of self-discipline and love for my partner that I’m working on making a habit. He works really hard and never made time to take care of himself, and knowing I can help him with that satisfies the nurturer in me. Having him tell me today how deeply he appreciated it and how special it was to be sent off with breakfast and the feeling of love did wonders for my ego, too.

Told her how I’ve been struggling with my patience for others lately, especially strangers.

About how in spite of frustrating hiccups and set-backs at work, I had the positive opportunity to get to know a new co-worker better and reconnect with one I get along with well, but hadn’t had the time to really talk to for some time. I often stay fairly isolated and business oriented…keep my head down, do my work, and go home…often leading to feelings of alienation. Today was a good balm for that.

About how I love bringing home a car full of grain to stock the barn barrels with, because tending my chickens and pigs is one of my many joys in this life.

How I had JUST gotten home and JUST laid my exhausted body down on my bed only to hear a knock of on door and hear my mother let herself in without warning. My mother pretty much annoys me immediately. Truth be told, I really don’t like her and sharing space with her is super draining - but today’s interaction was surprisingly tolerable. She wanted to touch my very round belly, asked permission, and was on cloud fucking nine as she loved on her grandchild. For the first time in forever, feeling her hands on my skin didn’t make me cringe.

Then my dad showed up. Misha started doing those full-belly wiggles as he, my brother, and I chatted around the table. It caught his eye and I asked if he wanted to feel her. He lit up so brightly and came right over to feel her and talk to her. I can’t remember the last time I saw him light up like that. When I told this to Hecate, I was overcome with an emotion I haven’t quite taken the time to understand. Maybe it stems from seeing a parent look at you with such wonder and pride that you are just not at all used to, and didn’t actually know how that felt.

And to end, I thanked her for listening and for always being at my side. Doing this challenge and just taking the time to actively sit down with her has been valuable indeed - strengthening and enlightening a bond that sometimes falls to the background when life demands all that you are just to survive and get though your days. As long as we come back to each other in the end, I suppose that’s the thing that really matters when all the rest is said and done.

[theangryjikooker]

Hey TAJ!

I’ve been loving the increased activity on your blog these days! I hope you don’t mind me asking a recycled question that I’ve seen other blogs being asked recently. What is one thing you love about each member and one constructive criticism that you would give? I really like hearing other people’s thoughts on the members’ personality traits. 🤗

LOL you can thank the anons that are literally flooding my inbox. I’m just picking things at random to answer at this point because there’s no way I’m catching up.

A different kind of question! Let’s see:

SEOKJIN He’s attentive, he’s a great hyung, he has no ego for someone who’s the oldest. He possesses a beautiful sense of empathy that can sometimes get lost in people who come from a well-to-do background. However, despite appearances, he lacks confidence where it actually matters. Yes, he’s beautiful and an excellent gamer; he’s funny and a charming host. But when it comes to his abilities as a singer and performer, he’ll find a way to be self-deprecating.

YOONGI He’s an excellent all-rounder, sharp-tongued, and witty. He’s brutally honest in a society that still doesn’t quite value it. He’s so full of warmth despite his predilection for a stoic front. He’s a great hyung, but his brutal honesty can sometimes lean into insensitivity. I don’t think he means to be mean-spirited about it, but some things in life require a soft hand.

HOSEOK Extremely underrated and versatile artist. It makes sense that he’s considered the second-in-command because he has so much discipline and desire for efficiency. I love that he embraces his sunny and dark side, and how he dotes on the maknae line. His perfectionism is to be lauded from a professional standpoint, but it’s equally his own worst enemy. He seems to have good control over it, but I’ve seen that type of perfectionism splinter relationships or become the catalyst for a complex.

NAMJOON Gifted in every possible way, especially his command of Korean and English in practical and creative ways; he’s a talented wordsmith and arguably untouchable in that sense. He’s introspective and great at expressing himself clearly. He’s an incredible leader, and BTS bias aside, I do think his brand of leadership is unparalleled amongst his peers. One thing that I’ve noticed with him, however, is that he seems to get really frustrated easily but will harness it until he implodes.

JIMIN Maturity beyond his years, he’s kind and is willing to give pieces of himself to others who need him. He’s very considerate of others and an overall delightful human being full of vulnerability, and I love that he’s managed to overcome a lot of demons in order to embrace himself better. My criticism for him is that he seems to rely a lot on BTS as a unit and preserving this idea of staying together forever, and I think his level of attachment can be really devastating when the reality of it sets in later that nothing lasts forever. Not that he would ever lose touch with the members, but Jimin sometimes gives the impression that he thinks he’s nothing without BTS, which is false.

TAEHYUNG My eccentric alien, and it’s what I love the most about him and what gives him an edge. I love that his personality is dynamic and that he’s confident in himself, that he knows how to prioritize himself and his needs, enforces boundaries when he has to. I would go so far as to say that Taehyung, next to Yoongi, is one of the main protectors of BTS. My critique might sound like a cop out to some, but he’s genuinely the hardest to read. Sure, in his profession, those walls keep people you don’t want out, but it also makes it hard for me (as a fan) to connect with him beyond anything superficial. Not that he owes that to me or anyone.

JUNGKOOK My favorite thing about him is how open he is to his environment; he’s a sponge. Everything that he is frequently praised for is indisputable, and he’s still young. He’s truly an impressive human, and what I love even more is how his appearance belies his true personality. It’s so endearing. The one thing I’d criticize, which is both counterintuitive and likely an unpopular thing to say, is that he’s too open with ARMY. Of all the members, he’s cultivated a very strong parasocial relationship with his fans, which I’ve thought for a while to be a little bit… unhealthy. I understand that he’s trying to give as much as he gets, but I do think he gets carried away at times.

—

Whew, this took me a while, and I definitely started glazing over about halfway through. Thanks for the ask!

[riverguns]

I was supposed to have taken a rest day yesterday. Sort of did that, as in I didn’t do handstands. However, I did leg strength, which was extremely challenging. I literally think I do leg strength because a friend I have, that’s skinny and has a great physical aesthetic, told me it burns the most calories. Then today, back to the handstands, teaching, conditioning, and did contortion training (oof.) That counts right? I rested?

This is a hard topic to discuss. I try to focus on the fact that I really like my body’s ability in the realm of handbalance. That being said, I look and feel like an elephant. But hey, that’s a circus discipline too! I’m extremely lucky to almost have two years clean and sober and instead have this be an issue. But it always was. It’s so incredibly stupid. Such a self centered fixation and I really fucking hate this about myself. I don’t know how to get rid of it.

Sometimes, this has happened in the past few days, I’ll have had a good training or I’ll feel like I did a good job coaching but THEN, I happen to see my reflection or end up somewhere with a mirror and everything goes to shit. Like whatever I did wasn’t enough. And then come various not good actions. Nothing that comes close to heroin but it still is something I definitely want to be rid of and don’t know how.

It’s also a lot of the time better to just be by myself because the way I am legitimately feels embarrassing. The fact that this goes on in my brain is embarrassing too.

The closest I ever came to not hating my body was also the time when I did the most drugs and on the verge of death. That thought process scares the absolute shit out of me. I don’t miss being dopesick every day. I don’t miss the insanity that was in my brain or the sleepless nights or the compulsive desire to die. I also don’t miss the men and the things I had to do to avoid getting sick. All I miss is my body and the escape a little. But I’m MORE capable now. I’m happier now. I’m healthier now. I still feel it sometimes but I don’t want to die every single moment of every day. I want this thinking to fuck off. But it doesn’t it gets worse.

I can’t talk to anyone about it. I know some women that have had similar struggles. I know these conversations can do more harm than good a lot of the time. I don’t want to remind anyone else how this feels. I’d rather keep it and suffer than share it with someone and risk giving them some of it. I know it can be that way. I used to use tumblr for that shit when I was a teenager even.

In short, self centered idiocy that paints the picture of being a bad person in massive zoo animal body, which frequently makes me feel like I should be getting high or not alive at all.

Positive part is 1 year 11 months and 1 day clean today.

[inkykeiji]

hey clari! i hope this doesn’t sound weird but i just wanted to say i’m so proud of you for responding to so many asks lately! i can see your progress nd i am so proud of u n i really hope i can make the same progress one day as well. for a loooong while now i’ve been repeating the same negative cycle and it’s so hard to just get out of it. every time i feel like i’m making progress something happens and i start all over again….(n it’s really fucking annoying!!!!) but i’m still trying!!! :/

i’m still working out the kinks of finding a good and mellow-paced daily pattern for myself but everything seems like too much lol nd i cant muster up the energy to do the bare minimum most of the time….i was wondering (if you’re ok with it) if you could share your daily pattern or routine.

you totally don’t have to!! i just thought it was worth a shot to ask lol

anyways…i love u n im so very proud of u! keep moving forward!!! u got this <33!!

hello anon!!! (´∀｀)♡ fair warning, this answer is extremely long lmao

it absolutely does not sound weird, omg!!!! it made me feel so happy and warm and giddy inside to hear that, thank you so much for telling me!!!! <33333 genuinely, i cannot tell you how much i appreciate this message <3 i’ve been working really, really hard to get back to the level of productivity i used to be at, as well as just working extremely hard to heal myself and learn how to healthily deal with my mental illness.

it is extremely difficult to break that cycle and i empathize so deeply with you, anon bb :( it requires a lot of self discipline, optimism, and motivation, all of which are especially hard to come by when you’re in the middle of an episode or stuck in a rut or a bout of sadness/icky feelings :( i want you to know that i believe in you!!!! i KNOW you can do this, i have complete faith in you, and i know you WILL succeed.

i’ve been going through exactly what you described—beginning to make progress, and then something happening and forcing me to begin all over again—for almost a YEAR now, so i completely understand how incredibly frustrating that is. it’s difficult not to lose hope during times like that, where it just feels like its some sort of endless, vicious cycle, and we’ll never break free of it. but i have personally broken free of that cycle once before, and now, i am going to do it again. and if i can do it, you can definitely do it, too!

first of all, i want you to know how proud i am of you!!!!!! it takes so much strength and bravery to continue trying in the face of all of this, so already you’re doing incredible. that’s an amazing feat all in itself and i want you to give yourself a pat on the back for it!!! no matter what’s happened, you still haven’t given up, and that says so much about who you are, your resilience, and your determination. it’s such a cheesy saying but it’s so true: the ONLY failure is the failure to try. every time something happens, you can look at it as a learning experience. this week my therapist said this to me, and it really helped, so i want to repeat it to you, too: she told me that every challenge, obstacle, or mistake we encounter is merely another opportunity to learn, to gather more information and to use that information to make ourselves better. it’s a very positive way to look at it, but it’s also TRUE.

she really likes to use the analogy of a scientist testing hypotheses through experiments: every time a scientist’s experiment fails, or proves their hypothesis wrong, they have learned something, they have failed better, and they can take this information to help themselves improve in their next experiment or endeavour. if you can, try to think of your life this way, as well. i can give you a personal example: i often have the tendency to set myself up for failure by expecting WAY too much of myself right off the bat. when i was first trying to get back into being active on my blog every day, i had set a goal of ten asks a day for myself. it seemed reasonable at the time, because before i had been answering 10-30 asks a day, so i figured i could totally start out at this threshold and work my way up.

it turns out, i completely forgot to factor in the fact that i am much more sick than i was when i was answering so many asks a day. it was akin to breaking your leg, resting until it heals, and then immediately trying to run a marathon the moment the cast comes off, instead of building up muscle and stamina gradually. i realized this, and lowered my goal to five asks a day. it turned out that that was also too many at that current moment, so i have set my goal for one ask a day. i have put the bar an inch away from the floor, because at this current moment in my life, this is where it needs to be. it isn’t there every single day, and it definitely won’t be that low forever, but at the moment i need to set goals that are consistently achievable, things i know i can do every day without being overwhelmed or getting so scared i just don’t do it at all.

so that’s my first piece of advice for you. give yourself goals that are easy to achieve, things you know you can do. my goals for every day are: answer one ask a day, work on a piece of writing for my blog for one hour a weekday, work on a piece of personal writing for one hour a weekday, practice cursive writing for 15-30 min a weekday. they are all small and most importantly ACHIEVABLE goals. here’s the secret: more often than not, once i start, i actually end up doing more than that, because i feel like i can, or because i WANT to. but the reason why setting these easy, achievable goals is important is because on the days where you truly, genuinely cannot do more than the bare minimum, you will still feel this sense of accomplishment, because hey! you did it! you did the one thing you set out to do, and that’s so much better than giving up or not doing anything at all, even if it is really small. ANY progress is better than no progress at all. ANY progress, no matter how little, moves you towards your goals.

my second piece of advice for you is to set up rewards for you achieving your goals. this is where your self discipline really comes into play. this is something i used to do in university and it helped me SO much. i would make a deal with myself: read these three articles, or write a few pages of this essay, or do two hours of research, and then i will allow myself to hang out with friends/go shopping/watch a film/play a game/etc.

for me, right now, my reward for myself is playing genshin (LMAO). it is the hyperfixation currently occupying the most of my mind—all i want to do is talk about it/play it/write about it—so i make myself a promise every single day: achieve your daily goals, and you can spend the rest of the free time you have playing the game. if i am able to achieve my goals consistently every day, monday to friday, then on the weekend i treat myself to something small—i either buy myself gems, or this weekend i bought myself a lil plushie hehehe c: but the point is, make the reward something you really want, and hold yourself accountable for achieving it.

i went to a prestigious uni, and they really beat into my mind that i’m completely worthless all the time unless i am constantly doing work. this makes enjoying relaxation time extremely difficult, because i feel disproportionately guilty. i’ve found that setting these goals with rewards helps lessen this A LOT.

so anyway, these are the techniques i’ve been using recently. my therapist also has me check in with myself every single morning; she says its very important to track things like our mood and our energy, as well as other factors (sleep, environment, stress, etc) so we can catch burn-out before it happens and take those extra rest days when they’re required. that isn’t lazy, that’s called taking care of yourself and being kind and compassionate to yourself—and it’s a responsible thing to do. some days i really can’t answer more than one ask, and that’s okay, because at least i’m doing something.

just the other day i had to bring down one of my writing sessions from an hour to 30 minutes, because i was having such a terrible day and an hour just sounded way too daunting. but guess what? i began my session, keeping in mind that i was only going to do it for 30 minutes, and actually ended up writing for an hour and a half! sometimes you will genuinely surprise yourself, and honestly 90% of the time it’s only starting that’s the most difficult. on the days where i’m having a really rough time, i remind myself how important this is to me. i remind myself how much this means to me, how special it is, how much i truly DO want to do it, how good i feel when i achieve something, and that usually helps me push through and get started.

it’s so important for us to be flexible with ourselves and give ourselves what we need when we need it. i think that as long as we’re continuing to try, then we’re succeeding. adjust accordingly!!! for me, i know that being productive makes me feel really, really great, so even on those days where simply getting out of bed and making food is difficult, i still try to at least tick off ONE thing on my goals list. that way, at least i’ve done something, even if it wasn’t everything. it’s still a step in the right direction, you know? there are also days where we really do need to take a full break from everything as well, and that is okay as well. only you know what you need <3

you mentioned having difficulty doing the bare minimum; maybe your bare minimum is still set too high for where you are at this current moment. is there any way you can bring it down even lower? even if you have to bring it down to just one thing a day, that is STILL progress and that is still success, and it will still help you move forward and built momentum. start as slow and as small as YOU need to, anon <3 you are doing what is best for you, and there is absolutely no shame in that. if your current bare minimum is still too much and too overwhelming, bring it down even further. make it the barest you can. because doing the barest you can is still so much better than doing nothing at all and feeling all crummy because of it!

the last thing i wanted to mention is that i try to do something meaningful to me every single day. just one thing, it doesn’t have to be big, but it makes me feel good and it helps keep me rooted in this current moment as well as helps me appreciate everything i have more <3

waaaah okay i know this is SUPER long but i hope this helps at least a little, anon bb <333 i have so much faith in you and i KNOW you can do this!!!! if you have any other questions please do not hesitate to ask <3 i love u so so much and i’m so thankful to have you here with me!!!

[scrumpledorph-writes]

Koben’s Fifth Anniversary (Epilogue)

I

Six in the morning. Sun creeping in through the windows. Brayli sleeping soundly next to me, and the sounds of seabirds barely breaching the closed window next to me. A special day; we’ve been together five years. We couldn’t get an official marriage license for obvious reasons, and we’ve never lived together on a planet that actually lines up with Coruscant Standard Time, but my insistence on keeping track doesn’t bother her.

Been just a little under two years that we’ve lived here. She kept talking about how much she’d like to sit on a beach with me, so I worked double time to save up enough credits for a seaside property in the outer rim as a surprise for our third anniversary. Took an hour of insisting that the new blaster sling she bought me was just as good.

Spilled a lot of blood to get here, not a drop I regret. Couldn’t go legal with the hunts, but I could afford to be selective: nobody innocent, or trying to break from the life. I imagine the waves have washed it away by now anyway.

Vranki was disappointed to see me go, but considering how much of that work I did was for her, she didn’t begrudge me. Haven’t really kept up with her, but from what Jaxon tells me she’s doing well. Folded her operation in with his for security’s sake, and her girls have never been safer. She says my legacy inspires her men, for whatever that’s worth.

Since they’ve hardly got any law to speak of anyway, Jaxon figured he might as well make his own. I’m sure he’s embellishing a bit, but from everything he says it seems to be working out: plenty of volunteers who are sick of getting mugged, which is good because half of his father’s old men quit when he started telling them they couldn’t terrorize people any more. Good kid.

I didn’t think she could get prettier than she was when we first met, but the ocean climate has been great for Brayli’s skin. Brighter coloration, softer texture, and her head tentacles have gotten a bit bigger. She says it’s taken a lot of aches and pains out of her too. She says even I’ve gotten a little softer around the edges, though I can’t really tell.

We both took the day off. I put the bounty hunting behind me when we moved, this place isn’t as lawless as Doobinth. Not Imperial, some local government that’s just a tributary – but I figured I’d have ended up in jail if I kept working.

Didn’t think I had any other marketable skills at first. Tried to learn Brayli’s trade, but whenever a customer raised their voice with her I could feel my blood pressure spike as I came over. She said that sweet as it was, towering over rude customers was bad for business, and putting up with them was just part of the job.

Wanted to open up a self defence class, but we talked it over and figured that someone might recognize the techniques, start asking about where I learned them. Decided to open a blaster service shop instead, right next door to her speeder shop. I thought my squad mates could be neglectful in their maintenance: every other month I have to tell someone they’d be better off throwing their blaster out and buying a new one.

For as wonderful as living with her has been, some of the adjustments to civilian life have been hard. I’ve spent so long interacting with the public primarily through intimidation and force that it’s been hard to stop. We figured that those impulses would fade once I got out of bounty hunting, picked up a new life – I even cut the practice from my daily workouts – but it’s all still there.

A speeder will backfire when we’re in public and I’ll start a threat assessment, I’ll feel my hands creeping towards my belt for a blaster that isn’t there when someone raises their voice to me, and when someone pointed a blaster at me a few months ago trying to rob my shop – all I can remember is the police needing to call an ambulance.

I started practicing again after that. It takes the edge off – reintroduces discipline to those instincts. Even taught Brayli a few of the basics, just enough to defend herself. She never needs it though, always manages to deescalate things with a joke or a laugh. I tried learning how, but it never seems to come out right. It’s easier to keep them under control when she’s around.

II

Brayli always felt rushed when I meticulously planned out our holidays, so nothing special today. We’re making a nice breakfast, then maybe we’ll go spend the day on the beach. I’d figured it would lose its appeal with how available it is, but somehow it never does.

She likes to catch up on the news while we eat. I never bothered, learned from my time in the military that one officer is just as good as any other, so it always just seemed like one big distraction. Guess with how things have been going for The Empire lately though, it’s worthwhile.

They’ve been in decline for a few years now. Guess they over-expanded, made enough enemies for them to all get together and fight back on a united front. They put on a brave face over the official channels, of course, but I know the Imperial propaganda machine well enough to trust the shadow broadcasts at this point.

Not sure what’s so great about The Republic that it deserves to come back, but not my fight any more. They’ve even got a few Jedi if some of the more fringe networks are to be believed, so how good can they be? Whatever. Best case scenario, they both annihilate each other and systems get to self govern, maybe coalesce into a few smaller unions.

‘Hey sugar? You’re gonna want to read this.’ “The Empire has been officially disbanded. Following the signing of a peace treaty, The New Republic will be officially taking power over all Imperial jurisdiction in the coming months. Amnesty is being declared for all enemies of The Empire, provided they commit no crimes against The New Republic.”

‘Can you verify that somewhere else? That could be speculation.’ I can’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it. Not that I’m against it, but that I can’t let myself have that kind of hope without knowing for certain. We’ve eked out a comfortable enough existence on the fringes, but if this is true we could do anything. The galaxy would be the limit.

‘That was an official broadcast. Real as it gets.’ Official Imperial channels. I suppose not Imperial now. Going to take a while to adjust to that. But, more importantly, it’s all over. Even with how much distance we’ve put between ourselves and my old life, I’d sometimes worry that it was right behind me, another lesser Blackmire that I’d forgotten about would show up at my door with a squad and drag me off to a cell.

But now I’m free. Really free, no strings attached. Amnesty. An official, on the record, Imp- Republic legislative seal stamped pardon. I don’t even know what to say. There isn’t anything to say. She’s smiling at me. Smiling like I’ve only seen a few times, she’s just as happy as I am. Happy for me. I love her so much.

We’ve been smiling at each other for a minute, just taking it in. The words are finally coming to me. ‘Wow. You really outdid yourself with this anniversary gift.’ Can’t think of anything else to do about it but joke right now. There’ll be time for real plans later, but right now we have an entire day together to celebrate. ‘Happy anniversary. I love you.’ ‘Love you too, sugar.’