#she did say that she felt the same about the bpd thing. like when she was a kid she thought that she'd get diagnosed with it

[elytrafemme]

wish i could be all spiteful at my therapist saying that i have borderline functioning tendencies but not consistently enough for it to be classified as an abnormal behavioral thing. like i wish i could do what i’ve been doing for months and plan ways to get her to quit her job or put her in an uncomfortable ultimatum or do anything to get a different response to the same question i’ve asked her for two years. 

but instead... i’m just tired, honestly. like. yeah. my biggest curse is the fact that i can cope with things. which sounds twisted. but if i wasn’t able to cope, i would get help. these problems would be fixed because an intervention would be necessary and forced. but i don’t need an intervention. so the problems aren’t going away. 

and part of me says, so make yourself need an intervention. act out. do something crazy. but it’s like. i’ve already done that. i keep doing things that i say are out of control but are at least partly purposeful so that someone reacts to it. and it hasn’t changed anything. so there really is no way out of this conundrum except to keep repressing this anger over and over because there’s no resolution for it. 

weird. 

[andivmg]

Please excuse my initial reaction, I was quite distraught after reading his statement. Now that i’ve slept on the situation and have a more clear head i can say that i whole heartedly do not accept his apology for a few reasons:

1. One of us clearly remembers that night in excruciating detail. I will forever wonder what actually happened that night and that is something that weighs heavily on me. Although the next day i “accepted” that he would never hurt me, I no longer feel that way. It was a very fresh wound and I wanted to believe him because I still loved him. However, after two years of sitting on this and reflecting I take that back. And I felt like he was excusing his behavior by saying he didn’t realize how drunk I was. Also the fact that he shared it in such detail made me extremely uncomfortable. I respected him enough to not share such intimate details and he did not have the same respect for me. I think he could’ve just said “she initiated intimacy in the way she normally did” and it would’ve gotten his point across just as well. Regardless, he still had sex with me when i was blacked out while he was in a conscious enough state to assess and remember the encounter in such vivid detail. That fact has not changed.

2. All the stuff about his friends is frankly of no consequence to me. Everything that happened with Friend A happened while we were broken up. And him bringing up Friend B felt unnecessary given the fact that we all discussed the matter with each other at the time it happened. I never cheated on him and i would like to stop that theory in its tracks. Him and I have spoken about this matter privately on numerous occasions so that is all I will say.

3. About the shower thing, I was coming out of the shower/bathroom. He had the discord call on speaker on his phone. So yes, I heard very clearly what George said and Luke simply ended the call, he did not call him out. I believe he is recalling a different instance where another one of his friends said that he wanted to have sex with me once i moved to Florida. I was not witness to it and he did tell me he stood up for me that time which is why I didn’t bring it up. I did not go into more detail about it because I was just using that one quote as an example of how some of his friends would speak about me in his presence. However this is already more than one instance of his friends speaking about me in that way, which leads me to believe it happened quite often when I was not around.

4. Intentionally or not, I felt he demonized BPD and used that as a way to invalidate a lot of what I said

5. He still called me a slur when he knew it was wrong because I was getting cancelled for it at the time. I do not believe he was actually confused as to the gravity of what he said to me

I would like to remind you that i know him personally. I lived through that. When I say we remember things differently I mean it. I think that he believes he is being truthful. However because I know him and I know what I experienced, I do not trust him. I do not believe that we were “equally” toxic. While I admit I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship, to me they do not justify all I endured. I repeat, you can believe what you want. This is a very nuanced situation but if you were looking to me to accept his apology, I do not.

[nova-alien-rants]

trying to finally heal my NPD and dealing with the damage it's caused is so fucking devastating

uhh if you demonize narcs please get off my blog before i launch you into the sun uhh this post is kinda long

it just... it hurts so bad dude. and i feel like my BPD makes it even worse because every time i'm confronted with the reality that i've fucked up those around me so badly, i can end up spiraling into thinking i'm the worst person ever, i deserve to die, i ruin everything, there's no hope for me, etc. it's so awful. i genuinely hate how much i've hurt those in my life.

examples:

i've gaslit my gf to the point where she still feels like SHE'S the problem, even though it's literally been me all along. she kept trying to help me and i villainized her the whole time. i'm disgusted with how i acted. my eyes have been opened and i no longer act the way i did, but the damage has been done and i can't help but cry because of how much i've hurt her these past several years.

my friend became used to me making backhanded jabs and even passive aggressive remarks because i always felt threatened by him. i stopped being mean to him like that, but because he was used to that dynamic with me, he kept up with his own vindictiveness and made me feel terrible that i trained him to do that in the first place. he doesn't do it with anyone else.

i've lost many friends and gotten into baseless arguments simply because i was acting like a giant asshole under the delusion that THEY were the assholes, not me. even though they literally did not do anything. my own ego was wounded and that wasn't their fault. i was such a fool for destroying those relationships.

i feel so fucking despondent so much of the time now, and i keep flip flopping between "there's hope for me and i can help reduce the stigma of NPD" and "i am the worst person ever, i'm a horrible monster who just hurts people, there's no getting better for me." my emotions are so intense. either they're everywhere, or they're nowhere. i also feel so much grief. i could have had amazing relationships with amazing people around me, and to an extent i do now! but so much of the lives of myself and others have been absolutely ravaged by my own self obsession and vindictiveness, and i can't help but wonder what things would be like if i weren't the way i am. honestly i'm so ashamed of myself for letting things get to this point.

whenever i would do research on NPD, i would wonder like... why do people not know they have this condition? how could they possibly not know when it fucks up their lives so bad? i knew about my BPD and OCPD before i even knew what those conditions were called, and those are also ego-syntonic personality disorders! so i was REALLY thrown a curveball when i was told i'm a narc. it felt like my world shattered and i simultaneously could see clearer, but also felt so much shame and sadness. and other things, but i don't even know what in specific. bad things. it seriously changed how i viewed myself and everyone and everything in this world around me.

i remember i would always tell myself i would never end up like my parents, both of whom are narcissists. they were and still are the worst abusers out of all the abusers i've ever had in my life. so when i found out i was a narc, too, i felt disgusted not only because it explained so much of my life, but also because it meant my worst fear had come true. i associate narcissism with my parents. i'd be lying if i were to say i didn't have my own internalized ableism about NPD due to them. at the same time though, i get distressed from sharing physical features with them too, so it's hard to really say. it just sucks all around.

i feel like some kind of evil monster crying crocodile tears upon finally having it click that they actually are, indeed, some kind of evil monster. i've hurt so many people so badly and i was totally blind to it. COMPLETELY. to the point i genuinely believed THEY were the ones hurting ME. sometimes i'm so consumed with shame i literally never want to show my face to anyone ever again. i want to run away and start a new life where no one knows who i am or what my past was like. but alas, such is not feasible, so i am stuck dealing with the consequences of my actions. and accept them i will, of course, because it's the grave i dug for myself, but fuck, man. this feels so awful. i feel so awful.

[fierceawakening]

So this post is going to be a bit rough and rambly but… I don’t know how we put this genie back in the box.

Do any of you remember when I’d freshly left the abusive relationship I was in and I read VORACIOUSLY, trying to figure out how I’d been taken in by such an awful person? (I vividly remember telling my dad about her saying I’m sure I’m gay because on my previous relationships with men I never thought I was in love, but this was so intense… well. I still wasn’t sure but I wondered if it might be.)

I read stuff like Why Does He Do That? and I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me. I also read things like The Sociopath Next Door and one of Hare’s books on psychopathy. I’m pretty sure my ex just had BPD, and I hasten to say even there that I have known many other people with BPD who I emphatically don’t think would treat me the way she did. I was trying to make sense of her, not trying to condemn anyone with a label I don’t have. (There are prosocial psychopaths, too.)

Mostly I was trying to make sense of her lack of remorse. She presented it as sexy and exciting—oh no, I don’t ever worry about taking kink too far, I don’t care what people think of me, I never give someone who wronged me a second chance.

I now see these as huge red flags and worried about them even then, but I tend to be someone who obsesses over whether I’m giving people a fair shake, so the idea of getting with her sounded like a fun vacation from scrupulosity.

It was actually “surely the leopard won’t eat MY face,” but I didn’t see it then.

Anyway. Around that time I got into a lot of arguments with people here who felt that putting too much stock into those books was inherently ableist.

The things the books said about lack of empathy, about how someone who lacks empathy treats even close loved ones as objects of use and not as full people, resonated with how I’d been treated by someone who professed to care about me. But it ruffled HARD the feathers of people for whom “lacking empathy” just means “beepy boopy, but not uncaring.” I have no solution to this—I think they’re two different phenomena that unfortunately have the same name (on tumblr. Not sure they do offline.)

Any double way. One thing I kept coming across in that research was the specter of the sociopathic leader. A charismatic public figure who charms a whole community or nation, and once they do that, rule with an iron fist.

The appeal was eerily similar to why I’d latched on to such a gross girlfriend. “Don’t you ever just want to go ape shitt,” basically. What if you don’t have to care? What if you get to put yourself, your family, your tribe, America First?

Doesn’t that take a load off your mind?

Those weird leftists who don’t understand God or gender or American exceptionalism… what if you don’t have to understand them anyway?

What if all you have to do is win?

My books said THAT is why we should continue to think of sociopathy as bad and people who have it as predators. Not because human rights stop mattering if someone isn’t neurotypical but because the attitude is infectious.

A person who thinks that way by default, if they’re charismatic (and many are), can EASILY get someone who doesn’t think that way to start wondering why they bother with perspective taking and empathy and remorse anyway.

Dehumanization is a virus, and people like that are carriers. The more power they have in a society, the more virulent the strain.

Do most people eventually snap out of it? I mean I’d better think so, my sister in law is German.

But how long does it take?

That I don’t know. And that’s what makes me think Trump might win.

And why I continue to think fighting ableism is important but ALSO to think acting like empathy is superfluous is playing with fire.

[tacomicyuri]

u seem cool what are ur tacomic headcanons... (*´∀｀)ﾉ

Hiie thank you :0)

Oh wow. I’m going to be honest I don’t really think about my headcanons for them that much give me a minute

Basics are Microphone and Taco are both lesbians. Their genders can change in my head I don’t really have a set one for them But microphone is a butch lesbian

I hc microphone to have autism, bpd, vss, and schizophrenia (the last two are mostly just projection but. Trust) For taco it’s bpd, npd, and probably autism too. If I thought about this more I could probably find more I just don’t think about it too hard

For their relationship, I like to think even after they went their separate ways in the end they both still care about each other. Taco obviously does, she’s devastated from their split and cannot stop thinking about her. I think Mic wouldn’t completely throw out her care for Taco as they grew so much together and just formed a bond that wouldn’t be so easy to get rid of. She probably for the most part tries to just Not think of her, because the more she thinks of her the more she wants to see her again, but she knows she wants to wait till Taco truly changes. I think if Taco apologised she wouldn’t forgive her immediately, but would give her the time to fix herself. Like she wouldn’t immediately go back into her life but as Taco gradually fixes herself she slowly gets more comfortable with her again.

With the mindset of both Microphone and Taco having bpd I think it’d be very interesting if they were each others fp. You can tell they put each other ahead of a lot of things and for Mic it takes her a while and she keeps giving Taco chances until she finally chooses to cut her off. In ep11 (alternate reality show) Taco helps Mic return the taser, even though she doesn’t understand her reason for it and even though it could risk her getting caught. She helps her return it because Mic wants to and Taco wants to help her. I’d say you can tell Taco still very much so cares about her in ii15 because not only does she literally Look at her in the windows, but when she mentions Mic quitting, she calls her Microphone rather than Mic, as she had been calling her ever since they got closer. I think the reason she did this could be either because she wanted to protect Mic and didn’t want to out the fact she was cheating, or(/and) maybe she felt she didn’t deserve to call her that anymore. She only switched to Mic when they became closer, and even though she still cares about her, she knows Mic left and called her out for what she did, and it filled her with guilt. If Microphone didn’t care about her anymore, she was in no right to be able to call her Mic. In the sense Mic’s her fp, she could have trouble trying to move on, as Mic meant the world to her and her not seeing her anymore makes her want to get back. It might make her want to get better so she can get back into Mic’s view, in a good light again. The fact ‘a song for microphone’ is playing in that scene is so CRUEL. In ii15 she says she doesn’t care about the money anymore which is like, her fp left her and that made her realise there’s so much more to this game. The money, the need to win, was the biggest thing in her eyes until she gained such an attachment to Mic and she realised she started to focus her life around her more so the competition. Like she literally goes against her word in ii14 so that she can give Mic what she thinks she wants most. She wanted to give Mic the world because she was her world. The way she says “I’ve lost more than any of you” in ii15 can be. Interpreted in so many ways but Wow. To view it in the way that she’s talking about losing Mic, her fp, is crazy. I’d say in reality though, she’s not only talking about Mic and Pickle but how she also lost s1. How she was so sure she was going to win, that maybe she was Meant to win, but ends up losing. Then she just keeps losing after that. She tries and tries but can never win. lol that’s a bit funny Mic had that same problem. “I’m trying harder than everyone else, so why do I always lose?”. Yeah ok. Oops I just kept going there. I was going to say more but I lost my train of thought sorry.

I dunno. I have So many more thoughts about them but I’ll save those for another day. They’re very interesting I need to shrink them down and study them under a microscope

[duchessofostergotlands]

Just read your last post on autism and well you sound like me. I don't even have a diagnosis because it could stop me from becoming a public servant which I want to be (governmental prejuidice is amazing, isn't it?). However, I also have ADHD as a possible side "quest" on my laundry list. Everything I learned about it in women in recent years screams my experience. However, no one thought to test me because I did academically well like you in school and didn't have issues conforming to classroom rules. Back then you had to be a boy, running around constantly and failing classes to even get a consideration for ADHD here. No one saw that school was my own personal dopamine farm and that I constantly quietly fidgeted with something.

Idk where I'm going with this here but yeah I just felt seen by your post. I think I want a diagnosis eventually after I got my public servant position but I'm also scared of looking for one. Because what if it isn't depression, autism, ADHD and/or even BPD? What if I'm just a lazy slob that peaked in school and someone who is just easily distracted and not great at social interactions I haven't played through in my head a thousand times before?

Hello :) The internet can be a terrible thing but the best part of it is there will be someone, somewhere, who has experienced what you are experiencing. So yes, totally relate to what you're saying. I have similar thoughts all the time. "Maybe I'm just lazy, maybe I'm just sensitive, maybe I'm just a bitch" lol. To be honest I think genuinely lazy people probably don't ever think about the fact they're lazy or get upset about it so it's probably an indication you're not. Like I often think "am I actually a good person?" but I don't think genuinely bad people ever consider that!

I did see something helpful a little while ago. The comedian Aisling Bea did an interview where she talked about her ADHD and the shame she felt when she believed she was just lazy. She said that she loves acting and she can get given a script and learn three pages of dialogue over night - her dialogue and everyone else's - and people are astonished. But you give her a simple task like filling in a form and she just can't do it. I suspect you might find you're the same way. If someone gives you a task you enjoy or find value in then you can probably do it more quickly and to a higher standard than other people. You are capable of hard work. But if it's a task you don't enjoy or think is pointless you will feel like there's some kind of forcefield stopping you from doing it. I also think if it was just laziness, if it was a choice, then no one would ever choose to be lazy about things which are detrimental to them. The call it took me 3 months to make was to register with a doctor. It was really important, it was harmful to me to not have a doctor, and yet I couldn't do it. If I could have gone online and done the whole process there I would have. But I couldn't do it because I had to make a phone call which I struggle with. So if you 1) find that you are capable of putting in hard work in certain things and 2) find that the kinds of tasks you struggle with are important tasks and not doing them is potentially detrimental to you, it isn't just laziness. I think it comes out in a lot of women when we leave school because we don't have structure, routine, someone caring for us. The fact so many neurodivergent women were high achievers in school and burnt out later in life is not a coincidence!

But also, something I don't see talked about that much is how sometimes we are lazy but that laziness is a totally natural response to how exhausting it is to be neurodivergent. Having to be constantly aware of how you talk, how you sit, how you write all day to fit in with a world that you don't fully understand but you know if you get it wrong you could lose your job, your home, everything. The stress, the anxiety, the energy involved in that. After years and years of dealing with this, you are going to crash. So when we do have a rare good day where we feel energised, sometimes we choose to do the fun thing instead of the task we have to do. Other people can be productive because they know that they will probably have the chance to be lazy later in the day or the next day or the next week. Whereas I don't know when I'll next have that opportunity. So sometimes we are being "lazy" but it's to try and repair the years and years of exhaustion and anxiety and stress that has built up! Other people are allowed to be occasionally lazy but we punish ourselves for it so much.

[bpdetrimental]

I recently reconnected with the girl of my dreams who I’ve loved since I was 16; she was my first everything and I was her first everything. I’m bisexual and I helped her learn who she is.

I left my previous partner for her, and everything was perfect and fine until I recently had a meltdown about two weeks ago. I was selfish and not taking account of what she was/is going through. Since I was “normal” with her, I didn’t expect her to become my fp…but naturally she did when I came to my parents house. She said she wanted to marry me before I came here. She hasn’t been able to give me the attention my stupid brain thinks it deserves. So naturally I do the thing where I spam text her and freak out and make her feel really bad and feel like she isn’t enough. We haven’t spoken in almost a week and it’s killing me. She either leaves me on read or doesn’t even read my messages.

I am terrified I pushed her away and the “real me” slipped out and scared her, as I did not have these feelings when we were together in person. For several months I didn’t have this go on. It’s been years since I’ve had a meltdown this bad. She knows I’m bipolar but I haven’t told her about my BPD. I’ve gone from angry to understanding to sad and talked about suic1de a lot, and I know that scared her.

She said she we both needed to heal and work on ourselves two weeks ago and that’s what sent me to spiral I think. I’m not sure what to do and I feel like the girl I’ve loved for so long is now too annoyed and overwhelmed to talk to me, or even want to be with me anymore. I gave up everything so I could have a chance to be with her and she’s always said she loved me and wanted to be with me, she said we felt the same. And I feel like I ruined it.

My friends say I need to give her space but when I get bad I spam text. How do I handle this situation? Please help. I feel awful and I don’t want to lose her.

A situation like this can be especially difficult to handle. From a rational perspective, she is entirely in her right to feel that way, seeing as you mentioned you made her feel really bad and as if she isn’t enough. There, you may have messed up quite a bit. On her end, she may be doubting the feelings you have with her, and seeing you spam her may come across as you regretting having done it for selfish reasons.

This is why I really think you should be open and honest with her. To be vulnerable and to expose yourself is not something to be taken lightly. I know how uncomfortable it can be, to lay your cards out all on the table and allow them to make their decision.

Do not spam.

Write out your thoughts and gather them first before trying to contact her again. But I believe it’s what’s best to do. Every time I have made irrational decisions with my partner, I had to self reflect and come back to him, telling him my feelings and he helped me find ways we could overcome the problem, or would be reassuring.

Tell her about your bpd, tell her about how you’ve been feeling. But make sure to do it rationally. Try your best to not let your emotions dictate what you’re going to say. We tend to be led by our feelings, and that’s when things come crashing down.

She has told you she’s loved you, that she wants to marry you. Feelings do not fade over night, so I have no doubt she still does. For you to be honest and open with her should not change anything. You are still the same person she fell in love with. The same person who helped her find herself. Sure, you may have messed up. But things like that are bound to happen in a bpd relationship. What’s important is you let her make the choice. If she chooses to, you get the chance to prove yourself.

If you do not have a therapist, find someone trustworthy to talk about your feelings to. That way you do not lash out at her. Make a blog, as I have done, to get your feelings out somewhere. Find time to gather your thoughts, take deep breaths. Think about the core reason as to why you are feeling these emotions towards her and remind yourself that she is not the problem, she didn’t cause your trauma.

She was right, you both have to work on yourselves. But that does not mean she hates you, or that she loves you any less. You need time, find the best ways to cope. And approach her gently. She may be like a wounded lamb, you need a gentle hand to heal her. Do not push her further away.

[bloom-berri]

LEO/NEED HEADCANONS !!

for some context before the headcanons! These are ones I wrote down a while ago when i was finally first reading the stories and I did these after i finished their main story; so if they aren't super accurate to things up-to-date then thats proobbaabbllyy why, so bear with me! (Though i forever stand by disabled saki)

Random Leo/Need headcanons :

saki ofc got really sick and was in hospitalized for a few years, she was left very physically weak due to this so they gave her crutches to help stabilize herself so she can keep balance when walking and standing. She thought the crutches were too dull, boring, and ugly so before she went back to school she decorated them with stickers, ribbons, paint, and whatever else she could add without making them useless. Occasionally she'd redo all the designs just cuz she wasn't feeling it or didn't fit her aesthetic of the day and she'd just change it whenever she felt like it.

shiho maybe has bpd... it was my first thought when reading but I'm not 100% sure yet, she often pushes people away even the ones she cares for most. At times she can be really rude to them and say hurtful and blunt things, but other times she can be really genuine and kind to those closest to her. She has a habit of lashing out at people, often arguing with saki and honestly anyone who pisses her off in the slightest. This one I'm not sure about cuz it could be something else this is just my first thought

honami has social anxiety !!! She cares about what people think of her to an unhealthy amount, she always assumes the worst in social situations and that everyone will hate her if she makes one mistake, even if she seems to talk to people okay it makes her really anxious unless it's people she's really comfortable with

ichika has miku merch and she hides it under her bed whenever people come over... she pretends to be a casual fan, she is not though, she is drowning in her fixation

shiho likes her hair short cuz it's less to take care of, girl has places to be she can't spend to much time worrying about taking care of her hair

aannndd some sexuality/love headcanons: Ichika - aroace (make demiromantic) I feel like she'd be the type of aroace growing up trying to have a crush and thinking liking someone as a friend is the same as a crush and later thought something was wrong with her cuz she has no desire to kiss or really anything romantic with anyone; but hey who needs bitches when you can listen to hatsune miku Saki - questioning but most likely bi/pan with female preference she missed a lot of the important self discovery years since she was stuck in the hospital so she's figuring it out now and wants to try dating to get the full high school experience Honami - unlabeled or bi/pan with no preference if she loves someone then she loves someone! Never really thought about gender or anything In her people pleaser arc I think she was a bit of a hopeless romantic as well to cope with essentially leaving her best friends so she would use Love as a way to fill that hole (and since they're in an all girls school everyone just thought she was a raging lesbian) Shiho - Lesbian, demi-aroace (probably on the nonbinary spectrum too!) takes a lot for her to fall for someone considering how closed off she is and the fact that she doesn't really like people (I just can't see her with a man)

[awakefor48hours]

It's time for me to finally talk about what I love so much about this moment.

When Belos is turned human again, he immediately blames his problems on a curse that witches put on him and this is pretty reminiscent of something that abusive parents do.

There's parents who will abuse their kids and any time someone says something, they hide behind their disorder/disability. To use a real example, I knew a parent with BPD that mistreated her kid and whenever her kid said something, this parent would retort with "well, I have BPD, it's not my fault."

*I want to make it clear, I'm using this parent as an example and an example only. I know there are many parents with BPD who are good parents.

Even if Belos was cursed, he's still hiding behind a disability to manipulate Luz and Luz knows this. She lived with someone with a curse for nearly a year and knows that a curse won't do this unless you let it.

Eda has never hidden behind the Owl Beast curse to escape blame. She knows the Owl Beast curse is dangerous and if doesn't take her elixirs medicine she'll lose herself to the curse. When Eda got too obsessed with Hexes Hold'em that she was behind on getting elixirs, she knew that she had to change. She literally ate the cards to stop herself from playing.

Ever since Luz and King found out about Eda's curse, they've never felt uncomfortable or endangered around her. They know that Eda is capable and willing to take care of herself.

Luz also had a father who died of an illness (from what we can understand it was most likely chronic and terminal) and from what we can understand is that Manny also didn't hide behind his illness. Considering that the Nocedas moved so to be closer to a hospital, Manny seemed to be proactive about taking care of himself. Also judging by how Camila and Luz react to Manny, he was a kind and caring person.

Another part to Belos blaming what he did on a curse is that he probably used this same excuse to hurt Hunter. We've seen Belos abuse Hunter throughout the show but Hunter still loved him. From Hunter's POV, Belos doesn't have control over his actions all the time and the times when Belos hurts him are the times when the curse is taking control.

This is especially prominent in Hollow Mind when Hunter is constantly making excuses as to why Belos is doing something. There always had to be a reason because, from Hunter's POV, Belos was a good person who only did bad things because of the curse.

There was absolutely no excuse or lie Belos could use in this moment to save himself because his actions have always been his own. He's a terrible person and he did this to himself.

[entropy-sea-system]

Some things abt monster high (2022) ships!

Draculaura x Lagoona

This ship made some sense to me after the episode w who gets voted head fearleader. They really seem to at least, connect with each other. And hinted at a bit in over bro tective. Probably my second favorite mh ship. However I believe the movie episode makes Lagoona x Gill seem like it could become canon however they have literally never interacted onscreen yet. Lagoona has two hands too so. Honorable mention to Twyla x Lagoona bc of the movie episode although as an nd person it came off more like nd solidarity. I relate Lagoona's 'chomps' to some aspects of my bpd and Twyla is of course canonically autistic. But also as a ship I think it could work, as literally nd4nd is so real.

Draculaura x Manny Taur

This is one of those one-sided rivalry turned study buddies turned ship things, I don't think I ship it a lot but it seems plausible except that Manny seems to be more a side character. The kind of ship that would probably happen irl and be relatively stable. The episode where Clawd first appears was when I felt this seemed to show up.

Draculaura x Clawd

This. Like. Tbh I feel Draculaura didn't exactly show kindness towards Clawd due to being worried about her vampirism in that ep. But the resolution of the conflict in this ep kind of made me realise that they may actually be hinting at this ship in canon(maybe a call back to older versions of mh) although I did not expect that

For what it's worth I don't really know if I see Draculaura as into any of these characters romantically. Maybe bc she always seems more focused on other things but. Also I feel that makes her come off as a character whos either into multiple people or not into anyone, also gives room for an aro or arospec interpretation but.

I feel that could be true of Clawdeen and Clawd as well, tbh those three just. Don't seem all that invested in romance or interested in others that way. I also think Twyla and Draculaura(more so movie version than show tho) and Torelei (yeah ik shes like. mean but Im apl and literally not my fault half the apl coded characters r villains or bullies) also come off as aplatonic or aplspec coded.

Frankie x Cleo

This. Probably my mh otp. Horoscare hints at this ship so much and so does that episode where they find the mummy necklace thing! The ship I think is most likely to be canon! They even show Frankie blushing and stuff like. Theres a lot of things that make it clear they're implying romance in terms of how cartoons tend to imply ships. Also one episode description for a future episode literally involves Deuce being a wingman for Frankie to ask Cleo to the monster ball!!

I think I definitely ship this in an arospec way bc Im arospec but. Quoiromantic greyromantic Frankie is such a headcanon I have and maybe Demiromantic Cleo bc. I also feel Cleo would realise her feelings after Frankie realised theirs. Although I also see Frankie having trouble interpreting their feelings towards Cleo or maybe not.

In one episode a playback of Clawdeen's monster minute is shown in which she says something about who she thinks is cute but it cuts off before any names are said (I believe it could be Deuce or Howleen. My partner and I even have a lighthearted bet on this in case it gets revealed, they guess Duece and I guess Howleen. Theres also the chance that neither and/or it is not revealed). It is to be considered that in the movie Deuce and Clawdeen do have chemistry but. I don't see that in this version at all tbh. Clawdeen doesn't seem to have romantic chemistry with anyone in the show tbh. And neither does Deuce imo

I do know that one sided Heath x Abbey is. Kind of noticeable but tbh Abbey is new to school at monster high and also I dont think its ever hinted that she feels the same about Heath although its possible she does and this ship may become canon?

Not really a ship at all for me but. Ghoulia seems like she really looks up to admires Skelly maybe in a fangirl-y way and that may be like. A celeb crush thing there and/or gender envy?

[polyamorouspunk]

Hug

Gonna kind of try an verbalize my thoughts in one place.

So last we left off on this saga we had me and ⚡️ deciding to call it off for now. Which I mean I guess is still in effect? But it feels a lot like being back at square one. The whole catching glances at one another from across the room, hushed conversations under our breaths when no one else is around, that whole thing again. And I’m not complaining! But there’s something else going on.

I’ve been offering ⚡️ rides home and I know one night she just said no it was fine and she was going to get a ride elsewhere and I was like okay whatever. Got the vibe she didn’t want to be seen riding around with me which was… odd… because the whole idea was we’re still friends but whatever. Then Thursday night I had asked if she wanted a ride again specifically because I needed gas and it was late and I did not want to go alone. Change of plans she decided not to come with me instead which was like okay but she was VERY cagey about it. I mean full-on giving me not-so-subtle winks and then when I was like what gave me that same look of fear that had crossed her face when I asked to hold hands with her while we were outside in the daylight which like… I mean I had always gotten the vibe that she didn’t want anyone to know about us but this feels like something more.

I’ve ended up telling like 6 or so people were friends with about us at this point. The girl I talked to last night is one of her closer friends and told me that ⚡️ also has BPD and FP stuff, which I didn’t know. She said if I could do anything to help ⚡️ it would be to drive her to get food and I’m like I would but she’s not accepting rides from me anymore, which our friend thought was strange too. She also said she didn’t understand why ⚡️ would want to hide us being together. She said it didn’t seem weird or unusual that we would end up together and she wasn’t really all that surprised when I told her because I guess I’m ⚡️’s type. She just said that all of ⚡️’s previous relationships had ended because ⚡️ focused more on music than actual communication and just ghosted people for weeks at a time. I told her there hadn’t really ever been a point where ⚡️ wasn’t ghosting me on the reg so that was literally the baseline I was working with right now which I think she also thought was kind of strange.

I had asked ⚡️ if I could come over last night, made a point to say I wouldn’t offer to drive her home and I could come over after so that we wouldn’t be seen together, and she said she’d think about it, but recently I’ve been spending time with people who actually want to hang out with me so by the time I got back from hanging out with our friends, some of whom are quite literally trying to get with me, she was gone.

And it’s like. I brought a friend with me out last night and like. I saw her watching us as I talked with them and I almost felt like she was? Jealous? Which is like? I mean I’m not not trying to make her jealous… I mean. Every time I go out now I have my ass and tits out and I feel like I’ve caught her looking before. Like yeah. Hey this is what you’re missing. Your friends are hitting on me and want to date me. I’m going out with our friends and being flirty and cute with them because you’re… not…

Our friend said “it sounds like you two need to have a conversation” which is like. Yeah no shit we’ve needed to have a “conversation” for a month now, but because she is who she is that’s VERY difficult. We sort one thing out at a time, IF we get a chance, process it, and then take it from there. I think I could spend 3 hours trying to figure shit out between us if she would give me the time of day for it. I mean. Fuck. I wrote my best friends a whole ass letter saying that I was seeing this girl, and then before I sent it out we “ended” it, so I texted them instead and said I was seeing her and it was over for now, but like it… doesn’t feel over… so yeah. I WOULD like to talk it out.

Also! Everyone kind of hints that she sleeps around/has commitment issues which she was upfront with right away when we talked that first time but at the same time it’s like… I mean she doesn’t really… hit on me… that much… I mean yeah. I think she might have be jealous last night? She tells me that she likes my outfits? But I mean. She never makes a move on me. It’s always me. And it kinda hurts? That I’m supposedly dating a slut that I guess respects me too much to treat me like a piece of meat but at the same time like? Hey yeah I haven’t fucking had sex in years and I would like some. You know if anyone is asking. Which they are. But not her.

But uh yeah. She agreed to spend my birthday with me but I’m counting on her flaking anyway and like literally all her friends who love her to death still say she’s a fucking flake and shit so like w/e but at the very least like. We have not had the chance to sit down JUST US to talk for more than like 20 minutes at a time and I do think that we would benefit from that and I think we would have benefited from that for the past month and I’ve been trying to make that happen while ALSO just asking to come over because fuck! I wanna fuck this girl! I mean hell we haven’t even kissed! But like jfc man idk gotta catch her again tonight I guess and have nothing come of it again.

[nightowl33art]

A pleasant conversation.

The other day I got in touch with my old therapist. Have to say, it felt really nice to speak to her again. After about two years if I'm not mistaken. (It has been a long time, and I barely recall our last meeting. I'd have to think on that more.) We spoke for over an hour. Catching up.

I've had a burning question since I was very little. Less than ten. I experienced something very strange. Sometimes it felt like I was not myself, as if I had become a different person. Unique thoughts came. I shared my mind with what felt like another presence that I called another name. Something within told me this was not a normal human experience and that I was crazy. This was out of my control.

I've kept this question with me as I grew into adolescence. I was not sure where I could turn. I lacked resources. There was nobody I felt I could speak to about this concern. And he grew with me. He changed. He became bigger, developed more of his own persona. He took traits from things I liked. What started as someone resembling The Grudge's ghost girl became more like Jeff the Killer in middle school. But the behaviors this alternate side expressed were always the same, only evolving. A smile, and a laugh. An insane laugh I could not escape in distressed times.

I was horrified. I was not me. I watched my body move without my input. I did things I wouldn't do myself.

Eventually I got migraines from stress and went to the doctor's once for that. I wondered then if I should ask about the strange thing. I could feel another pair of eyes peering out, feeding into this desire. I did not ask. I attempted to do my own research every few years with little luck. Search my symptoms. I found two results. Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD.)

I looked into DID but had doubts. This seemed ridiculous. There was no way I could have something like that, I just have some things I relate to within it. The information I found was not clear enough to suggest I could have it, and I went off lots of stereotypical Hollywood knowledge. Of course, I was smart enough to know those with DID are not dangerous criminals, but I was not aware of how amnesia really worked. I assumed I lacked it, which Must disqualify me. I thought I would remember if I had 'blocks of missing memory.' So I wondered if it was BPD. I did not find I matched that description either, so it must be something else.

When I met her, about 6 years ago, I had just started high school. I was having problems. My counselor there recommended I see her. I never thought I would get therapy, but here I was. Allowed to. I was nervous at first, but I opened up. One of our earlier sessions, I found myself able to ask a professional who could possibly finally tell me.

"What is this? I've tried looking, and I can't find an answer. It's similar to information I've found on DID, but it can't be DID because I don't have amnesia, and I don't think I'm that crazy. The other suggestion was BPD, which I don't believe I match either," was the extent of my speech.

She claimed he was a shadow, suggesting we start shadow work. We spoke more about him. I was even put under hypnosis for this "shadow work." She called for him and got to speak to him. I saw him. When that ended, she told me to name him. Whatever came to me. And so he whispered his name. "Carl." It felt right. She told me he was here for a reason. He had a job to fill. It seemed I needed a way to calm down when I got really distressed. Even if he hurt the body, finding pain funny, he was not meant to be feared. He was a part that I had to work with.

It opened my eyes. I stopped being scared. We found other shadows. More hypnosis. Some attempts more successful than others. I learned their names, I could tell what they looked like. I tried to develop an idea of what their role was. I would communicate with them. Acknowledge them. Draw them. Treat them somewhat like they were separate. I felt like I was generally getting somewhere.

Then somewhere I stopped. The voices faded into obscurity, but they never truly left. I would just need time to realize they were there again. I still noticed oddities that I could not recognize in the moment. Things that I see in hindsight. New identities, mismatched behavior, unexplained. Carl continued to be my friend. He would appear like usual. I was afraid to tell my friends about him. The way he behaves is not fit for normal society, so they may not get it. They may fear him for how he acts. They may not understand. I did not share about him for a while.

My therapist became less effective for me over time. What we did was not working for me, and circumstances drove our sessions to an end. The last time I actually saw her, I recently started college, medication, already had a job, etc. (My memory wishes to tell me something different, but what it remembers does not make sense logically when analyzed.)

June 2023. Some conversation led me and others to wonder. I explored. I asked questions, compared experiences. I may have been wrong. I learned more about amnesia. Maybe this really was DID. I began to treat it like it was. When I did, everything made a hundred times more sense. The explanation I attempted to avoid, the one I was secretly drawn to within, lingering in the back of my mind, the one I thought I could not possibly have. That may actually be it. I met new faces and united with old ones. I emerged. I have never felt more like I knew myself.

I took the shadow explanation at face value. Despite having just met me recently, she told me "It is not DID, I would know. I have had clients with DID before. That is a shadow." I recognize now that this was not a conclusive way to rule it out. In fact, experts may see my predisposed rejection of DID as a sign I am not ready to know about it. Could my old therapist have kept that from me, treating it under the guise of shadows? Or did she really believe that was the truth? I had to know. I still had her number in my phone. I thought I'd already attempted to message her months ago, but I found I hadn't. I sent a text, asked if it was still her number. She got back to me. One conversation later and I was to call her after work.

She knew me well, having worked with me for four to five years. Like talking to an old friend. It was so nice to feel understood again, as she often did for me when I was a youth. This feeling is not something I experience with most these days. It is rare. We looked at things in hindsight, and I told her everything I could now. She is older, so her training likely was decades ago. She made points for DID with general accuracy, such as the diagnosis process. Despite her unfamiliarity with newer information, such as systems able to have multiple hosts, she took it with an open and accepting mind, understanding that the psych field is expansive and ever-changing with new findings. She made sure I got my information from valid sources, since misinformation on DID is rampant. I really appreciated it. It showed she really cared.

She came to the conclusion that I should seek a professional in the field who could explore with me, like the others I've consulted. Despite not seeing me for as long as it has been, she was quick to rule out BPD when I brought it up. "DID before BPD for you," she explained. This only confirms that BPD was unlikely and uncharacteristic.

Back then, she genuinely thought I was dealing with shadows, but that I was very serious about them and got a bit extreme with them. Especially the "I cannot control them" and the separate entity from my sense of self aspects. I always took it too far. And that behavior would make more sense if I had DID. She said she could see it.

I am glad I had the opportunity to speak to her again, and I may update her occasionally in the future. I'm finally at peace knowing what she thought, finally at peace knowing I was able to thank her for her help. Even if she is not the right therapist for me and she cannot help me explore DID, she did wonderful things when I was her client. It was because of her that I began to work with my alters and acknowledge them. It was because of her that I stopped fearing the unknown over other identities. Even if unintentional, the shadow work we did, due to how similar aspects can be with DID work, helped me. And in general, she was effective for me for a while, and I cannot be more thankful.

I have reached out to someone I think may help me finally get to the bottom of this properly. I am hoping for the best. Maybe I just found my new therapist. I will find my answer.

[for-my-endless-lyrics-obsession]

Inspired by a comment that I just read...let's just write this down in my typical style...let's pick it apart and just cry while doing so because the topic is just a lot.

Trigger warning: self-harm, depression and just mental health issus

“Painless”

(I go through the song and pick every line apart)

“I wake before the morning bell

a day inside a concrete shell”

I hated going to school. Hate is not even the right word for it. It was exhausting. I assume that he sings about having to go to school in the beginning.

My school building was not made out of concrete btw. But I know that many are. It's the same where I live. I went to one of those weird ones that were made out of a lot of glass and steel. They look nicer because a lot of light can come into them. It was always very hot in spring already and in summer you were just melting.

I went to a grammar school. Not any but it was for girls only which is something weird and rare. Maybe that's a good thing idk....I'm a lesbian so being surrounded by girls was nice and maybe also very distracting for me.

I felt a lot of pressure and not really able to deal with school. One of my ways to handle this was to self-harm before class.

“I misinterpret every sign”

Overreading, overanalyzing is what I did. I was already very deep in BPD at that time. When my fave person, whom I sat next to, was in a bed mood then this was the end of the world for me. Unable to focus on anything but her.....

“A misdirection in a perfect world”

we dive through crystal waters but no one told me not to breathe....no one tells you what to do. I could just write about that a lot but idk...let's leave it at that.

“and I've got a blade, I've got a reason”

I know. I was like that, too. I understand. My reasons were: hating myself, emptiness, dissociation, punishing myself......

“I've got a trick up my sleeve” (a misheard one for me because it says: I've got a trick to play up my sleeve but I always here: I've got a trick up my sleeve”

From what I observe from the view old pics: he always had his sleeves half-way up till his elbow. In some of the photos where you can see him from behind you can see that he has scars on the backside of his upper arm. I guess that's what he means my up my sleeve but please: me just observing things and really not knowing anything! I never know if I can write things like these down. If someone were to talk about my scars and what they can see then I would be fine with it because I have visible scars and so does he. Idk....for me this is okay.

“and it's a painful thought

and I have given all I've got”

Nothing to add here. Just....I feel this. I know that feeling.

“And I don't feel a thing”

is it better to just not feel?

I'm familiar with dissociation. I have years of my life missing because of dissociation. Very recent ones even. I am much better these days but sometimes....idk....it's too much and then I leave. Dissociation is something weird. You can't really describe it. It's either something that you know or you don't.

“Her eyes can turn me into sand

poured through the gaps between her hands”

blue-grey eyes, natural blonde, long hair, bright smile, boyish body, a little taller then me....thank God she is straight. I'm talking about my fave person again. At that time I did not know what it's like for someone with BPD to have a fave person and why we have them and the obsessions and all of this. That was a long time ago.

“I've found a reason to complain again”

I get that. “using” something that happened for example to really dwell in negativity, shame and what not and then use it as a reason to hurt yourself.

At least that's what I did and what I connect this with.

“There is something wrong with me”

I used to feel like that. I had no word for what was going on so I just felt like there was something wrong and I could not name it.

He ends this with “because I don't feel a thing”. I assume that he understands this now better?! You can look things like trauma-responses up for example...dissociation is a response to trauma.

I don't know what else to say. I'm sure he is fine these days and so am I.

I feel like saying this: get help if you feel like you need it!

[firespirited]

I've been sick with some sort of fluey thing that sets off migraines all week. Did manage to meet the therapist: she's fantastic, no nonsense, up to date science, specializes in autism in women and trauma from interpersonal abuse. Unfortunately I'm going to need that therapist more than ever.

Mum had no intention of doing group therapy, has no interest in fixing our relationship, she's got this idea that it would somehow be taking sides even though she regularly has long whispered conversations with me about how to deal with a situation with sis. I also really upset her by describing dad as having cluster B personality disorders that made him cruel, she read the first sentence of my psych homework and decided she was out.

Because in her mind cruelty requires intent and dad was just being pre-emptively nasty because he'd had a paranoia where he felt we'd been mean. She's retconned him as bpd??? He didn't get paranoias until I was nearly 20. He wasn't borderline, he was a bully. It was calculated and calm not often spontaneous. He had just as many calm collected bouts of psychological violence as he did rages. And oh odd thing right? he never damaged a relationship with a man or employer even if he resented them privately. He never ever once implied he was suicidal to anyone else when that was his go to move. He had depressions and manias, he was rapid cycling. He also managed to keep the damage to his immediate family (except for that school incident) and constantly quitting jobs. There are times when the cluster B was the real issue and other times when he was just selfish and enjoyed his power over others. I know that's an awful thing to say but I've known a lot of cluster B folks who are trying to not break everything and I knew dad well: he blurred the lines between deliberate long term choices and his pathology. His hostility towards my and mum's existence as ill people was obvious to my doctor and every carer we had. My sister's cptsd is mostly from the damage he did with gossip and how she made herself compliant at home.

I can't say this to mum she's in rose tinted glasses mode about dad. The psych definitely noticed when she said some really weird hurtful stuff to me. I did get very serious that she was not to talk about dad around sis. To not even think about it because it could reset her entire recovery.

I have spent the past 25 days neck deep in bpd type cptsd symptoms, learning every trigger point and rebuilding a relationship with sis where she has no idea that I'm just not sharing secrets and fears. I'm still her rock. She's just not my anchor anymore. We're actually doing pretty well now. I can trace the intense anxieties back to last may when she brought a stray dog home and began obsessing about adopting a cat (she's allergic). I can perform the correct emotions on cue instead of relying on just words. Every time she loses trust I reassure and rebuild. She's been able to open up about what she couldn't stand about 'us' (it's not us, she needs a fully quiet space not just a bedroom in a busy flat) etc.

It's sad because every worst fear I outlined in the psych homework came true over the past few days. I have to hope it's some kind of stress phase. Maybe she's got the same flu thing as me and it's making her feel vulnerable and cranky.

There are very good odds she was super spooked at the idea of therapy, goodness knows she doesn't like talking about feelings. The idea that she might one day have to explain her wild family to someone else terrifies her.

Now that I know she's not ok, I need to keep my distance for a while and build myself up so I can handle sis' next crisis alone.

[rv2xlga]

sigh.

i realize i dont rant here enough like as much as i should. i should be drawing and not spending time being a fucking idiot ranting on TUMBLR at 2 am but shuake is just too serious for me

CUZ yall don’t understand my level of. crazy. my level of insane my level of obsession its been like 7 months of just straight up fixation and i always find the same things to feel the new feeling of love again for them. saw someone talking about their short film like a little summary on what its abt and the inspiration, a little love letter to their lover of sorts saying how the film is abt genuinely loving someone who is good to you for the first time, “This was the first time I would say "I love you" to someone, and it not come from a place of fear or a toxic one. This film is a celebration of vulnerability, and letting pure, secure love in without the constant impulse to self sabotage” I’ll quote and bc i cant think of love without immediately thinking of shuake (its a genuine problem lmao😭), i HAD to just think about them and yk what. idegaf their love is so beautiful to me. i think the idea of akechi having bpd and the same mental issues and disorders as me finding love in someone who is also very similar to him in some sense, like them both being autistic and such, just really speaks a lot to me.

im definitely not an opposites attract person, although they technically WOULD be opposites i think the whole troupe of “enemies” to lovers is the fact that they arent really enemies and actually have a lot more in common than first thought, at least when done well anyway so to me, they aren’t opposites when it comes to like. the things that matter like personality and the things that make people connect and become closer like the things u cant control ig lol but anywho, bc i hc (its basically canon) akechi having bpd i think thats why it means SO MUCH more to me and i love his character sm. he’s not my favorite, but bc that’s the first time i see a character like that be represented with something so similar to me and not be treated like a villain or just be really extreme like akechi is definitely. well. extreme but he’s not like, let’s say, like yuri level from ddlc like i wouldnt even consider that bpd she just straight up crazy😭 like idk, i just really relate to akechi so i really see him having bpd and bc ive always felt soo left out bc of my bpd even in spaces you would THINK would be safer, i always feel singled out somehow and although i still dont really know why, ig i see myself in akechi a lot and even akira too so the idea that parts of me could find that love and care like the fact that parts of me could find other parts of me, ig im not broken lmao like its all a little puzzle :)

okkk lore drop🔥🔥 got so hashtag emo there BUT that meant something i promise!!! that whole idea of feeling like ur missing something or theres just something wrong with u or ur unloveable or whatever, the idea that akechi felt that and FOUND it in akira makes my heart melt like a fucking fangirl i hate everything. i always think abt shuake and their love bc people always say how they are so toxic blah blah blah, and yk what, lemme not lie, that’s probably the truth! but i cant see them being soo toxic like that especially with how young they are like akechi was like. a few months of just turning 18, akira was 17 like they arent full grown adults even tho akechi was definitely aware enough to know what he was doing was wrong (even at 15 or however old he was when first helping shido i would say), you wouldnt understand the FULL severity of it like its a lot to explain but HOPEFULLY i make sense lol😭😭 and i think just being so young and growing through so much like im already. off. and i dont even live a life CLOSE to that EVER like of course he’s gonna be a little. off his rockets🤩 i mean what did yall expect😭 i keep using this phrase but yea!! so the idea of him meeting akira and finally being able to feel that youth and enjoy parts of life that typically teenagers get to live is si sweet to me.

mind u, im not saying that him living that “teenage life” is the way it HAS to be lived bc i think my life is better without those things as a teen myself and its most definitely not necessary but to me, akechi is just like. a very much stan twitter gay guy😭 he has his little bit of nerd (WHICH I LOVE^_^) but like anyone, of course he would want and need that friendship, that connection. do i believe he wouldn’t really care abt friends and shit? yea bc look, i dont really care for that myself but i wont lie to you and tell u i would love just ONE good connection in my life like yk, a friend i actually want but im not gonna be all friendless here so back to akechi!😊 he’s just very normal high schooler to me, ONE THING I LOVE ABT HIM AND SUMI ACTUALLY. i feel like with sumi, because ae doesn’t know like anything abt akechi’s past and what’s he’s done and stuff i feel like akechi just gets to live a “regular high schooler life” with sumi, yk? like everytime akechi and sumi would hang out (i like to believe they would hang out pre royal idgaf🥱) and akechi would complain or talk akira, sumi would just think “ah he’s on his crush thing again” like ae has NO CLUE he’s gonna shoot him in the head and yk what. that connection definitely means something bc that would be the first person akechi has ever met his age who ISNT involved in his “work life”?? like isn’t involved in his cases and shit like. a genuine healthy friendship🤯🤯🤯 and thats ANOTHWR reason i love sumigoro (make fun of me all u want but i seriously do not. gaf😜😝) bc i think akechi would really go and mess that up, he’d be like “wait. do i actually like sumi” all bc of the fact that they have a good connection and akechi isnt used to that

WHICH brings me to what i was GOING TO bring up (sorry for the crazy detour) but YEA, the whole idea of having a love and always feeling the need to self sabotage reminds me smm of shuake. akechi going and ruining their connection even though there was definitely ways he could’ve gone abt killing shido…. with the phantom thieves’ health possibly👀👀???? i feel like that was the prime explain of self sabotage, guilt and the fact that he wasnt even actually processing what he did and HAS done. like that one scene after 11/20 where he’s in the studio filming and their asking him abt the pts and he gets slient and thinks abt some shit like abt the pts and sorta feels guilty (idk if thats the undesirable child scene i think it is but im not sure lol) but yeah that, that is the PRIME explain of processing and guilt. after killing people and doing all that shit for so long i think that was the first time it actually hit him like “oh shit wait. i’ll never see these people again” like the idea that it hit so close to home, these were kids HIS age, even younger too and.. what EYE like to believe, people he thought probably deserved more life than even himself (like the after thought of it) bc u cannot convince me he really sent his ass over to shido’s palace just to tell joker some shit like girl. and getting himself killed too like naww that’s embarrassing as shit😭😭 like ik thats talked abt and thats what the whole scene is abt but like. EXACTLY he felt guilt for his actions and felt he needed to atone!! HE HADNT REALLT PROCESSED ANYTHING IF HE WAS FEELING THAT NOWW ofc he was going to get innocent people killed like. YEA😭😭 but he’s a fucking kid like what did u expect him to do, even if i had that power even with the current knowledge i have☝️🤓 i wouldnt even realize wtf im doing like yk ur doing something bad, but as a smart kid too.. its all abt competition lol, but in all seriousness tho and they show that in the game

ok sorry got off track again but yea, self sabotaging his love with akira all for the competition of it all, clearly i will never just flow into it naturally so ill state it plainly, self sabotaging his love and overall genuine connection with akira bc thats all he was ever thought to do, from his own mother and obviously, his own father. had to sabotage the love he had for his mother bc well. she ended up kwording herself😭😭 and had to sabotage the love for his father (which didnt exist to me idc) bc he had to kill him, i mean. he was awful😭😭 so having that constant battle between that, thats one thing i LOVE like ADORE ABOUT SHUAKE i love the idea that they could be vulnerable with each other i also love akira and his personality cuz he compliments akechi so well in SO MANY WAYS whoever wrote and made their characters and storylines personally ate with their yaoi deliverance😍😍 LMAO that was a joke but honestly. gave us such a good ship TY🙏 atlus at least for SOMETHING ur good at like like the thing i quoted said, THE WAY THAT IF ATLUS WOULDVE GAVE US AN I LOVE YOU BETWEEN THEM. aside from the fact i would’ve killed myself and died and then fell off a cliff and then kill myself again and killed myself a 3rd time just to make sure i also would’ve cried SO BAD, ik thats asking for WAYY TOO MUCHH but let a girl dream smh like IT WOULDVE MESNT SO MUCH AND HAD SM WEIGHT, it truly would’ve been akechi’s first ily that would’ve came from a genuine good place or would’ve been the first ily he ever heard that didnt try to manipulate or gain smth out of him!! which is. BEAUTIFUL ALL WAYS U LOOK AT IT like they definitely had their ups and downs (shuake i mesn) but the fact akira still wouldve loved him and seen him through everything is just so. something abt the unstable and the unstable but a little more stable dynamic😍😍 but seriously tho lol, i love their connection. again, it just speaks a lot to me SO PERSONALLY i hate everything

one thing i love abt royal is how we got to see akechi’s character a bit, i do like the royal writing a lot for this reason, some parts felt like aww yk lol and kinda reminiscent to the beginning of the game which felt a lot more genuine even tho royal’s writing felt more fanservicey, it had SOME sense of like, ok the characters arent written toooo bad here like the middle of persona so i appreciated it and u can tell atlus put a lot more work on the royal trio scenes (the fanservice was crazy in that part😭) so i also loved that too lol bc again, we got to see akechi’s character and the effect joker had on him and how like. less of an asshole he was like i wish we could’ve seen just a BIT more of him. again again i just LOVE dynamics like shuake and seeing characters grow and shit and shuake just does it so well UGH i hate them😭😭

[deusexmachinawitch]

Hii!! Can you talk about how to script for revision?? Thank you ❣️

Of course! I’ll talk about my experience when revising my Mom and my roommates since I’m still working on SP (mostly my self concept first so I can be as specific as possible) and what I did for each situation is different. You can see both the stories in my masterpost.

When it comes to my Mom, my script was more like a story-style first person book. I would remember the good things I enjoyed about my Mom when I was a child and before her mental illnesses suddenly coming up and wrote that up in a doc. I also thought about the traits that I felt somewhat jealous about when it came to the families of other people that I wanted for myself. I recognized that jealousy and flipped it around saying how everyone was jealous because my Mom was the way I wanted her to be and how I loved my relationship with my Mom. Describing the things we did, the things we enjoyed as in memories from seeing her whenever I visited her (even though I haven’t seen her in person for 8 years) in a first person narrative and then describing the conversations I had with her like I was already having them. I indulged in the feeling of how much fun I had with my Mom and how much I missed her but I turned the feelings of missing her old self of missing her because we live in different cities and thinking how much fun I have with her.

Suddenly, my Mom was revised in one night and my Mom is exactly how I want her to be. I have conversations with her normally without her being like before (she has BPD and schizophrenia, but hasn’t shown any things of that since the revision and it has been quite a time) and when she was even calm and open with me about her worries, I affirmed that my brother (who has also been the root cause of my rift with her) would move out and that my Mom would move out to her dream place because she was really afraid of her previous neighborhood because it was dangerous. In the end, one day my Mom was cleaning my brother’s room and found certain “grass paraphernalia” and kicked him out and when she went apartment hunting, she found a beautiful huge apartment in front of the beach for cheap and moved. All of this happened in just a week and everything has been pretty wonderful since then. I will eventually revise my brother but I know I hold resentment towards him still for disrespecting me and my mother’s illness so I’ll work on myself first then on my perception of him.

When it comes to small things like my roommates doing certain things, I made a custom server for myself on Discord where I write conversations with myself like telling a friend things like my roommates cleaning or not being mad because of gaming. Then I re-read the convo and make affirmations very short and easy to remember affirmations related to that and that usually works for me quite well.

The key is doing what feels natural to you. If what you write doesn’t feel right it’s because you either have to work on self concept or your assumption about the person or situation first or the writing technique isn’t the right one for you because it doesn’t feel natural to you. Have fun, be specific, this is writing a story, YOUR STORY. And after that just be very simple with your affirmations especially if you’re an anxious person or an overthinker. That way is easier to overwrite any intrusive thoughts. Identify what’s easier for you and work from that, if it’s not natural it won’t work. You’re the God of your reality, you don’t need to adapt yourself to the techniques your read, YOU are the one that adapts the technique because it’s YOUR reality and YOUR rules.

I don’t think it’s bad to overconsume as long you learn from reading to learn, adapt those teachings and apply. Go with a mentality of “Yes, I like how this sounds but I will adapt it to what feels natural to me because the law bends to what I want and feels natural to me”. Same goes for the feelings during manifestation, they should be natural. That’s why work on yourself first so it feels natural that good things chase you because you’re amazing and it would be natural people bend to match such a wonderful person and that good things happen to you because you’re a God and everything works in your favor. So it’s natural everything good happens to you and it’s not about lucky girl syndrome. You’re not lucky because you’re a God, it’s just natural everything good happens to you because you’re a God and you’re in charge of literally writing your own story and it’s not about luck that things will happen, it’s just natural things will happen.

Hope this is helpful!

(Also sorry if there’s anything weird in the formatting but the mobile version of Tumblr does weird things sometimes).