#she knew it cannot be :') so friendzone

[actiniumwrites]

𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒

synopsis: in which you friendzone them to protect your feelings, ignorant to the way they feel about you

characters: diluc, xiao, and kaveh x gn! reader (separately)

warnings: angst to fluff, reverse hurt/comfort, , slight swearing (i think), mentions of alcohol/ being drunk, spoilers for kaveh’s backstory, kaveh’s part is actually so long i’m so sorry

notes: got the idea for this out of the blue, but really liked it! i had a lot of fun writing these and would honestly be down to make a part two if you guys want it. also kaveh’s part was written before he was officially released this patch, so if anything is inaccurate, i apologize!

Diluc:

When Diluc had asked you to attend an event at his house in honor of the winery, you hadn’t expected it to be so extravagant. Though, perhaps it was because it was the first time you had ever been to his house. Either way, you were in awe at the sheer luxuriousness everything seemed to possess.

“Wow, I seriously cannot believe you’ve never invited me to your house before,” you tease as your eyes glanced around the room. The dining table was huge and lined with various dishes you didn’t even know existed. Not to mention what the entire house looked like in general. You were too scared to touch anything in fear of it breaking.

“I did invite you over — several times, if you can recall. But according to you, you’re just so busy you never have the time,” the red haired male corrected you as he moved slightly behind you to guide you across the room, shoulders bumping together every so often.

“Well if I had known you were living like this maybe I would’ve made the time,” you joked, intentionally bumping your shoulder into his as you threw a smile toward him. His eyes averted themselves from your face and smiled off into the distance, completely ignoring your jests about his wealth.

The two of you had continued to joke around with each other playfully as he walked you around his house to give you a tour of sorts. You had noticed all the people around as you walked, all laughing and enjoying the delicious food and wine Diluc had provided. Even Kaeya was here, you noted to your own surprise, seemingly catching up with some of the maids.

“Oh, I almost forgot, there’s someone I’d like you to meet,” Diluc interrupted your moment to observe. His hand moved to the lower half of your back to guide you in the direction of blonde haired woman in maid attire. Your hand shook hers as Diluc introduced her to you, “This is Adelinde, the head housemaid of the winery.”

You smiled and told her your name, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, I’m Diluc’s best friend.”

“Oh,” she said strangely, as if you had said something wrong. Almost seamlessly, Adelinde covered up her tone as she spoke again, “Ahem, it’s a pleasure to meet you as well. Please do enjoy yourselves tonight and let me know if you need anything.”

Diluc cleared his throat and put his hand around your shoulders as you said your goodbyes. Although, the second she was out of your sights, he dropped it, “So, how about some food?”

You hesitated, sensing something was wrong. His smile looked stiff, like it wasn’t quite reaching his eyes. You could almost sense desperation within his tone, like he didn’t want you to start your usual interrogation when you thought something was wrong, “Oh um, sure.”

He walked you over to the table standing next to your side, but didn’t dare to put a hand on you like usual. It wasn’t something you often paid any attention toward, but now it just felt weird — cold even.

“I’ll go grab you some fresh wine from the cellar, take whatever you’d like,” Diluc said quickly before rushing away. Your brow furrowed as you watched him disappear from your sight.

“What’s with the frown?” a silk voice asked. Your eyes snapped up to meet the blue haired man you knew to be Diluc’s brother, Kaeya.

“Long time no see, Kaeya,” you said, turning your attention back to the food as you served yourself a plate. Kaeya grabbed one too and began filling it as well.

“Oh, you should try these, they’re delicious,” he said as he placed a small dessert on your plate, “but don’t tell Diluc I said that. Can’t have him thinking I like his baking or anything.”

He continued as he grabbed himself another glass of wine off the table next to the food, “Anyway, what’s up with the gloom expression? Don’t tell me Diluc hurt your feelings?”

“No,” you grumble. It had been awhile since you had last seen Kaeya. Not that it was on purpose, because honestly, you never had a problem with him like Diluc did. Time just didn’t seem to allow the two of you to meet aside from a few times a year. “If anything, it was the other way around. Problem is, I don’t know what I did.”

“Well if it’s any consolation, Diluc is very fond of y—“

“Kaeya. Leave them alone,” Diluc interrupts with an annoyed look, shooing Kaeya away. Kaeya leaves without a word. A sly expression was on his face, hoping you would catch on to what he was trying to tell you.

Diluc held the bottle of wine in front of him, silently offering you some. You nodded your head and he poured you a glass before making another excuse to walk off again. The same thing seems to happen a few more times before you reach the end of the night. What had started off as a fun event for the two of you to enjoy, seemed to trickle into nothing but misery for the both of you.

The walk home was quiet. Honestly, you weren’t even sure why he had offered to walk you home if he was just going to stay silent the entire time, “You didn’t have to walk me home if you’re just gonna have to walk all the way back, y’know?”

“It’s fine,” he said curtly, not even making eye contact with you, “I have to go to Angel’s Share anyway. There’s some paperwork I have to pick up.”

“Oh.”

It’s silent again for the next ten minutes of the walk. It isn’t until you’re approaching the bridge to the city that you speak up again, “Diluc?”

“Yeah?”

You sighed and stopped walking, “Listen…did I maybe, I don’t know, say or do something to upset you? Because if I did, I’m really sorry and I just want things to not be awkward between us.”

You could tell he was contemplating not answering you by the frustrated expression on his face. His mouth opened and closed a few times before he finally spoke, still staring somberly off into the distance, “Answer this honestly. What are we? What is this?” His hands gestured between you and him as he spoke. His tone is rushed and there’s bitterness behind it.

“Well, we’re friends…aren’t we?” you carefully asked, almost questioning yourself.

“That’s the problem,” Diluc finally cracked, “I don’t want to be just friends. This entire time I thought that maybe there was something more than that between us…but I suppose I was wrong.”

Your eyes widened and your hands moved to grip tightly around his own before he could walk away from you again, “Why didn’t you say anything? I could’ve told you I felt the same if you had just, I don’t know? Said something about it? How was I supposed to know you had feelings for me?”

“I’m sorry, what? So you do feel the same way?”

You put two and two together and a teasing smiled made it’s way back to your face,“Archons, was this all because I introduced myself as your best friend to Adelinde?”

“What? No, of course not,” Diluc adamantly denied your accusation. He grabbed your hand and began to pull you away while you burst out laughing at the realization, “You’ve had too much to drink.”

“No! I barely drank anything, you liar,” you punched his shoulder, “Admit it, you were upset you got friendzoned and —“

Diluc turned around swiftly, pulled you toward him and placed his lips on yours within a matter of seconds, effectively shutting you up. His fingers interlocked with yours as he pulled away and began to walk you to your house. When you arrived at your doorstep, you turned around and placed one final kiss on his lips.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” you smiled. Diluc looked away again, failing to resist the smile that tugged at his lips. It was the first time Diluc had been genuinely happy in a long time.

He smiled as he turned away from your house to leave, “Yeah, see you tomorrow.”

Xiao:

Xiao felt his heart racing when he heard your voice calling his name from somewhere in Liyue. Somewhere he couldn’t pinpoint. There was pain in it, and Xiao hated when you said his name in any way that wasn’t positive.

“Xiao! Please,” he heard you call out again, this time more pained than the last. The sound of your cries echoed in his ears and a feeling of his own pain surrounded his heart.

A few seconds longer and you could’ve ended up dead. It’s all Xiao could think about when he finally made it to you, heavily breathing in and out from how scared he was to lose you.

You were covered in bruises and bathed in blood — whether or not it was your own, he wasn’t sure. Your eyes were half shut and your head was leaned back in relief at the sight of him. Several abyss mages of varying elements lie dead on the ground around you. Your polearm lay amongst them, cracked in half and dented all over.

Xiao spotted your vision a few feet away, anemo like his own. He gathered it quickly alongside your polearm before securing it on him so he could pick you up. Once his arms were wrapped carefully around you, he didn’t hesitate to teleport away and back to the inn.

“Here, lay down,” he spoke curtly. You watched through half-lidded eyes as he moved across the room to fetch his medical supplies. This wasn’t the first time he had to treat your injuries, but it wasn’t often that it was this bad.

Xiao worked quickly with your injuries, it was effortless and he was careful not to hurt you. Unbeknownst to you, his heart was racing out of control the entire time. Not only was there left over anxiety from when you had first called for him, but it had carried over and made itself at home as he worked away at your injuries. There was too much red oozing out of your body and the bruises were only growing.

What if he hadn’t gotten there on time? What if he was only a few seconds later? What if he hadn’t heard you call out for him?

“Archons, I am feeling so much better,” you interrupted his poisonous thoughts. Your leg was lifted into the air as you inspected the bandages wrapped around it and all the bloodied rags that sat beside you on the floor.

Xiao’s eyes hardened for a moment while looking over you, an unreadable expression within them, “Please do not get injured like this again.”

Contrary to his eyes, yours softened and you took his hand in yours, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you, I just—“

“It’s fine,” he cut you off when he began to feel weird, not used to people caring about his feelings. Xiao helped you up and out of the bed, his arms wrapped around yours to keep you stable as he walked you to the bathroom counter to finally change out of your bloodied clothes.

Your face was close to his as you spoke, “No, Xiao, really. I can’t thank you enough for all the times you’ve helped me out and even allowed me to help you. You just mean so much to me and I’m so lucky to have you as a friend.”

‘So lucky to have you as a friend’

It echoed in his mind over and over again, more than the voices of his late yaksha friends. For once, another source of pain had finally outmatched his past.

You didn’t see him how he saw you.

Xiao felt his body go cold at the realization. He remained oddly silent as he helped you to the bathroom, not even bothering to give you a response or so much as a simple nod. As soon as you were actually in the bathroom, he backed up immediately and nodded before mumbling something about needing to take care of some other stuff. He had even disappeared before you could utter a goodbye.

Not returning for hours was something you were used to when it came to Xiao. He wasn’t social at all, and that was something you readily accepted when you first offered to become friends with him — even if he declined over and over again.

But hours turned into days and days turned into a week. Xiao hadn’t returned since that night you were injured.

You weren’t sure what happened to him. Maybe he was hurt while out protecting, or maybe he was just in one of those weird social slumps again. But when Xiao finally ran into you one day, it was undeniably awkward between the two of you.

“Xiao?” you urgently called out to him, a mix of worry and shock in your voice, “Hey, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he replied bluntly, eyes barely looking at yours. He looked as if he wanted to be anywhere but there.

You squinted your eyes, analyzing him carefully, “That’s it? I haven’t seen you for a week! I get injured and then all of the sudden you just freak out and leave? It doesn’t make any sense. Listen, if something happened, you can tell—“

“Nothing happened. I said I’m fine,” he cut you off before turning his body and grabbing his polearm, ready to teleport off like he always did. You quickly grabbed his arm before he could though, a tight grip that wasn’t painful but made sure he couldn’t escape.

“Let go.”

“No.”

“Ugh, could you stop holding my hand like that.”

“Huh?” Your phase morphed into shock, confused as to why he suddenly cared about you holding his hand. You’d done it in the past, so it wasn’t like it was anything new to him. Besides, you were always careful not to do anything to freak him out.

“If we are just friends, then I do not want you holding my hand like that,” Xiao said before pulling his hand from yours with a harsh sigh.

“Wait, what?” you asked quickly before he could leave, “What does this have to do with us being friends?”

Xiao stared blankly at you for a few seconds, like he was contemplating whether or not he should speak again, until finally, he confessed, “The other day…you thanked me for being such a good friend. That is not what I want.”

A pang hit your chest and a tiny prick rippled behind your eyes at his confession, “You don’t want to be friends anymore?”

“Huh? Why would you think such idiotic things? No— I mean yes, I do want to be your friend. But I do not want to be…just friends,” Xiao explained. His cheeks were beginning to turn red and his eyes averted even more. He was nervous, you finally realized.

“You…you have feelings for me? Xiao, you should’ve told me. Avoiding me for a week straight wasn’t cool, you know?”

Xiao nods and crosses his arms, seemingly unsatisfied with your answer until you added on, “I have feelings for you too. I really like you, Xiao. I didn’t mean to make you feel like you were just a friend, but I also didn’t want to make you uncomfortable or scare you off or something.”

“It’s okay,” he said quietly, barely above a whisper. His hand twitched before it quietly reached for your own and took it in his. His grip was firm, like he was scared you would leave.

“Xiao?” You grabbed his attention when you noticed his eyes falter, like he still couldn’t quite grasp the reality of your feelings.

“Yes?”

“I really like you, okay? I don’t want you to ever think otherwise.”

Kaveh:

“Kaveh! Look at this!” your smile lit up as you dragged Kaveh toward a merchant selling various little trinkets. Kaveh willingly followed, idiotically smiling behind you at your childlike excitement. His hand tightly gripped around yours to ensure you wouldn’t go too far or get separated from him.

The two of you had decided to take a greatly needed break after working for hours upon hours each day for the past two weeks on a shiny new blueprint for a brand new Akademiya research center in the desert. The complications of what the research required versus the heat in the desert and its effect on the lab materials was making it difficult to come up with a practical, yet complex enough lab for the researchers. The headache it had brought upon the two of you was no joke, and you had finally realized that a break was the only thing that would get you through the block you were collectively stuck in.

“Hello, dears,” the old woman spoke gently, a bright smile on her face that perfectly creased her eyes. She had an immensely warm aura to her and you couldn’t help but match her smile. Kaveh glanced to you, a small smile gracing his own face as his cheeks turned slightly pink. He couldn’t help it after he saw how good you looked today.

“So,” you started, eyes bouncing around to each and every item she had to sell, “How long has your shop been open? Everything here looks so beautiful!”

“Oh, why thank you, dear! It’s been open for nearly two decades now. It is indeed strange to see how much time has passed,” she answered happily, reminiscing on the early days of her shop. She had told you how she opened it with her husband, but how he had long since passed, to which Kaveh and you had offered your respects.

Your eyes danced over all the trinkets again, but you couldn’t help but notice the little figurines that looked like creatures from your childhood. You couldn’t quite place where you knew them from, but you picked it up regardless and fidgeted with it before turning to Kaveh, “I think I’m gonna get this one, what do you think?”

“It’s cute,” he said with a gentle smile, admiring the little blue plant like figure in your hand, “I think I’ll get one in red.”

You finished paying the kind woman for your purchases and thanked her dearly once the two of you were done. The conversation had continued a little while afterward, with both you and Kaveh intrigued in the stories she kindly shared with you.

The sun was beginning to near its setting time, you noticed. The blues were fading to oranges and reds and the air was beginning to get a little colder, signaling the night was on its way.

“Thank you again,” you told her, “These are really nice, I’ll be sure to place them in my workroom so I can see it everyday!”

“Oh, that’s awfully kind of you, dear. I must say, I admire the way you treat everyone as your friend. It’s truly a rare quality to find in someone these days,” she gushed.

“Thank you! I really just try to make everyone feel comfortable and welcome,” you explained before you said your goodbyes. The woman said her goodbyes too, telling the two of you to visit her again sometime soon and tell her all about the architectural work you guys do.

Kaveh nearly stopped in his tracks as he processed the conversation the two of you just had. You hadn’t even caught the hesitation in his voice or the sudden change in his mood.

You treat everyone like that?

“Ugh, she was so nice, wasn’t she?” you rambled, but Kaveh was only half listening. Not that you had noticed that either.

“Oh, uh, yeah!” he blurted out, not entirely sure that he had even heard you correctly. His eyes followed the pattern of his shoes pressing against the floor as he swung the bag next to him back and forth, lost in thought. You didn’t question him once.

It was quiet for the rest of the walk aside from you announcing that you were tired and were going to check in for the night. Kaveh had agreed and walked you home all while hoping that you wouldn’t notice his sudden quietness.

If Kaveh was being honest, his brain felt like it was spiraling out of control.

One moment he’s walking around with you all day, enjoying his time off. And the next, he can’t stop replaying a silly conversation with an old woman who he barely knew.

The worst part is, he couldn’t help but take it personally. Being treated like he was on a pedestal and then having it ripped away is something Kaveh is used to, but he never thought he would have to go through it with you.

You made him feel special, like one of a kind. The way your eyes always lit up so brightly when you greeted him at work everyday. The way you hugged him when you were feeling down and no one else. The way you always treated him to food and drinks without ever asking him to pay you back because you knew he was struggling — and not once did you ever make him feel bad about it. The way you would jump to hold his hand when you got excited about something or when you were scared when lightning would strike.

You never did any of those things with anyone else. But all this time, you made everyone feel like they were your friend, like they were special in their own way. For all he knew, you did little things like that with everyone and made them feel like one of a kind too. Maybe Kaveh was nothing, he thought, maybe he was really just like everyone else. Just your friend and nothing more.

Kaveh bowed his head to his chest when he arrived home, his hand leaned forward to support himself as he felt the tears coming on. Being emotional or overdramatic was something Alhaitham had always criticized him for, but you? You always taught him to embrace it and let what he was feeling out. You had helped him with so much of his life and moving on toward bigger and better things, but now he couldn’t help but feel bitterness in his heart.

The keys in the blonde’s hand returned back to his pocket almost immediately after retrieving them. His palm dragged down the gray wall of Alhaitham’s house and back to his side. Kaveh couldn’t bear to enter his own home, not at this hour with such painful thoughts in his mind. Alhaitham would probably nag him anyway, and he really didn’t feel like dealing with his cruel words tonight — and Kaveh never liked when they were about you. You didn’t deserve that, even if it was just a joke.

And so he returned to the tavern once more in his life. Drinking away his problems was unhealthy, you had told him, but right now he didn’t care. You weren’t here and there was no one around to stop him from throwing back drink after drink. It had been a long time since Kaveh had been truly drunk, but today was enough to turn him away from sobriety.

“Kaveh. Get up.” A voice echoed painfully in his ears.

“[Name]?” he mumbled out incoherently as he blindly reached toward the figure in front of him. Their hand swatted his away before swooping under to pick him up. Kaveh mumbled your name a few more times, desperately trying to figure out what was happening.

“Why are you at the Tavern, Kaveh? Have you not learned your lesson about drinking?”

Oh. That’s who it was. Kaveh should have known by the sharpness in the voice or the annoying familiarity it held.

“Alhaitham? Get off of me,” he tried pushing the Scribe away. Alhaitham didn’t budge as he slammed a few bills on the table and carried Kaveh out of the Tavern. Lambad waved him off, but thanked him for taking care of the architect.

Your name continued to slur from his mouth, blending together into what almost sounded like gibberish. Not to mention the near beating Alhaitham had endured as he carried Kaveh around Sumeru.

You, on the other hand, hadn’t expected a knock at your door at nearly two in the morning.

“Alhaitham? What’s going on? Why do you have Kaveh?” you quickly questioned. Alhaitham shoved Kaveh toward you, a pained groan falling from his lips as he fell into you. The Scribe explained the situation to you. How he had never seen Kaveh come home that night, but later found him at Lambad’s Tavern drinking himself to death as he cried to the sound of your name.

You could only muster a silent nod out, confused but entirely willing to take care of Kaveh. You cared a lot for him after all. Alhaitham had shown himself out afterward, telling you to drop him back off tomorrow so he won’t bother you too much with all his whining. You breathed out a strained laugh and then shut the door before you turned your attention back to Kaveh and helped him to your couch.

“Kaveh?” you asked gently as you tucked a blanket over his shivering body. Teary red eyes stared back at you blankly, refusing to answer. You sighed and then nodded, accepting he may not have been willing to tell you anything. And although you had never outright admitted it, drunk Kaveh was not someone you enjoyed dealing with, “If you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I can’t help you.”

“It doesn’t matter. You can’t help me anyway,” he scoffed and turned away like a child who just got told they couldn’t have their favorite toy. You wanted to say your patience was wearing thin, but honestly, you could never truly be mad at Kaveh.

“Kaveh.”

It was silent for a moment. You could only see about half of Kaveh’s face as he buried the other half in the side of the couch with his hair covering parts of his eyes. The quiver of his lip, however, was not amiss to you. Neither was the quiet sniffle or the tears that gently slid down his face.

“It’s nothing,” he whispered to you, voice cracking as a hand quickly moved to his mouth to muffle his cries. He hoped you didn’t hear, but he knew you weren’t stupid.

“It’s not nothing. You’re hurt, Kaveh,” you rubbed his back. Kaveh leaned into your touch and brought his head up to meet your eyes.

Teary eyes stared into yours and he sighed before speaking, giving into you like he wished he always could have, “I thought I was more than just a friend to you. But I was stupid and I realized today that I’m not any more special than anyone else. You treat me just like you treat everyone else because you’re so kind and caring and— Archons, I am so stupid to believe that we were ever more than that.”

Kaveh paused before he spoke again, voice shakier than before, “I really don’t want you to leave, but I get it if you want to or if you don’t want to be friends anymo—”

Your lips were on his before he could finish his sentence. When you pulled back, you noticed his eyes widened like he had sobered up all at once, “You are special to me, Kaveh. I’m so sorry if I made you feel like you weren’t.”

Kaveh smiled as a few more tears spilled out of his eyes, “You really mean it?”

“With my whole heart.”

[thisgirlnamedblusy]

Hello! I wanted to ask if we could get an oblivious Reader X Donna? Reader keeps mistaking Donna’s attempts as being friendly and it isn’t until someone else(probably one of the lords or a random villager) flirts with Reader and Reader brushes it off/friendzones/politely yet harshly rejects them that it clicks for Donna that Reader is just that clueless and pushes her to outright spell it for Reader to understand.

Yesss!!!! Thank you for your request!!! I hope you like it and sorry about the language mistakes!!!!

Get the hints

Pairing: Donna Beneviento x Fem! Reader

Warnings: Fluff, Donna's POV

Word count: 7,224

Summary: Are you not able to see that I love you?

N/A: Sorry about the language mistakes!!! Requests are open!!! I'm waiting yours!!! I love you all!!! :))

“Angie, how I look?” I asked nervously, putting on my dress, seeking my doll's approval.

“Dark, as always,” she murmured, with a tired gesture. “Oh, wait, you have something on your face,” she joked, making me grunt and feel the black fabric that covered my hideous face.

“Very funny,” I protested, walking towards the door, my heart beating faster and faster.

My life has always been sad. I lost everything at a very young age, I found myself alone, helpless in that sinister place. There is no hope for me, there never was, I don't even know why I was born.

I, Donna Beneviento, Lord, sick, lonely woman... My name means nothing but terror and fear, my presence is only a bad omen for the poor unfortunates who dare to bother me. I’m nothing but a monster, one which never had to exist, which wonders every day if it would have been better to give up.

Mother Miranda was merciful to me, she gave me the gift of the Black Gods, she gave me a chair at her side, a new family, a new hope. Not even feeling part of something, feeling that I now had siblings, that I could vent my frustration for a lifetime of loneliness on innocent people, was enough to calm the pain in my soul.

Only Angie, only the doll that my father gave me and to which I was able to grant life thanks to the Gods, kept me tied to the reality of my existence, prevented my madness from taking over me completely.

Loneliness, darkness, fear… That was what I saw in my reflection, in my deformed face, in the face of a soul in pain that cannot even die. Shadows loomed day and night over my head, my dolls only served to remind me that there was a past that was better, and it would never return.

Hatred and envy turned me into a fearsome being, a woman who hated others, who refused to speak to them. Donna Beneviento, once a woman, now a monster.

But after a couple of decades, something happened, something that brought me out of my dark thoughts, something that brightened my hideous face every day. I met you.

(Y/N), that was your name. Apparently the Duke's business in the village was the only thing that really worked. It worked so well that even that vermin whose veins ran with golden blood made the effort to hire an assistant. That was you, the Duke's assistant, my only reason to smile.

I never gave importance to the feeling that the books talked about, those four letters that meant the world to the protagonists, that pushed them to do crazy things. Love never interested me, why would it? I was a monster, a Lord. But that day, the day you knocked on my door, the day your eyes took my breath away, that day, I realized.

Yes, I didn't know love, I didn't even bother looking for it. I just wasn't interested. When I met you, I understood. I wasn't looking for love, and it came to me. You were beautiful, a young and cheerful girl who always smiled.

You didn't fear me, you weren't afraid of me. You came to my home, you offered me everything I needed, even things I didn't even know you had, like your presence. Every night I dreamed of your smile, of your gaze... I dreamed that your words had another meaning, that your heart raced the same way mine did when you were near.

Deep down I always knew they were just illusions. No one could ever love me. Donna Beneviento was doomed to live without love.

But my internal struggles, the insults and discouraging words with which the voices in my head tortured me made me not want to give up, made me keep a slight hope, the hope of having you by my side.

“Are you going to do something at last?” the doll asked, while, like an anxious lover, I looked out the window, I saw your presence walking towards my house, I saw your beautiful eyes about to meet mine. “Or are you going to just stare at her like a fool like always? “

I sighed. Angie was right.

“Oh, taci,” I whispered in a dark voice, passing by the doll, which moved its limbs in an exaggerated way.

“Silly Donna …” she protested, pulling my dress unpleasantly, making me even more nervous. “Wake up.”

“Angie, please, l-leave me alone,” I said, feeling my hands getting more and more sweaty, the closer you were. “D-Don't bother us, will you?”

“Oh, yes, right, I wouldn't want to interrupt your constant mating rituals…” the puppet mocked, making me look at her with a fiery eye. “Oh, wait, she doesn't even know that you like her!”

“Will you shut up? You're making me nervous,” I said growling, bringing me closer to the door knob.

“You make me nervous, would you mind stopping acting like an idiot and telling (Y/N) what you feel?” that part of my conscience, the one I created, scolded me.

“You know I can't,” I murmured, putting on my dress before opening the door, before losing myself in your gaze again.

“Coward,” the doll hissed, letting me take her in my arms to welcome you like every day, like every time I wasted my money just for you to come.

I didn't respond to that accusation (which was accurate, by the way) and, with a gentle tug, I let the light enter in the dark hall while your smile turned to me, that beautiful smile.

“Buongiorno, Lady Beneviento,” you said with that sweet voice, leaving the wheelbarrow on the floor, sighing, surely tired. “How are you today?”

“l-I’m fine, thank you,” I answered with a hoarse voice, clearing my throat so you could hear it.

(Y/N)… If only you knew how hard it is for me to speak for myself, if only you knew that only you, apart from Angie, had that privilege…

“Great, because I’m fine too,” you answered with a smile, bringing your hands together before taking out a bunch of objects, objects that I asked you for. “You look good.”

I couldn't help but blush. I knew you said that to everyone, that your profession as a merchant forced you to be kind, but my heart, my wounded mind transformed those compliments into a sweet melody for my ears.

“You, you too,” I said automatically, controlling the inevitable trembling of my voice, the trembling that your divine presence caused in my body, and in my heart.

“Oh… Do you really think so?” you asked with a shy smile, looking at yourself.

“Y-yes, you are, you are beautiful,” -I said without thinking, closing my eye, taking advantage of the fact that you couldn't see my disoriented expression, the increasingly intense blush on my cheeks.

“Wow, you're the second person to tell me that today,” you commented, cutting off my breath. “Mm, I know, you've noticed my new dress, huh?”

I, wanting to escape from my pathetic attempt to flatter you, nodded slowly, while Angie tried with all her might not to laugh at me. Damn doll.

“No wonder, the Duke has made an order for high quality fabrics, look, touch it, touch it, it’s soft, right?” you said, getting dangerously close, offering me a sleeve of your dress.

Timidly, I reached out my hand towards the fabric that covered your skin, towards the wrapper that protected your divinity, your perfect body. I was very hooked on you, (Y/N), and it wasn't going to get better.

“Mm,” I murmured, pretending disinterest, after being so close to touching your hand, containing my impulses to grab you and never let you go. “Did you make that dress yourself?”

“Of course,” you said smiling, moving away from me again, painfully moving away. “In addition to having great quality, this fabric is wonderful to handle. Look, I have a few rolls, in case you're interested…”

“Um, yes, yes,” I said stammering while you searched for the fabric in that mess of a carriage.

I would love to help you organize it, give you a goodbye kiss, wish you a good day at work, and tell you to come back to my arms soon. I think I was obsessing…

“I knew you had good taste,” you said satisfied, showing off a bunch of colorful fabrics. “How many do you want?”

“I'll buy them all,” I said, gesturing with my hand for you to leave them at the door. You nodded with a triumphant smile. Naturally, Angie was there to interrupt my clumsiness.

“Donna! We have plenty of fabric! What the…?” the doll protested, which I silenced by lowering it to the ground and pushing it into the house, closing the door.

“Forgive her, (Y/N),” I apologized on behalf of the puppet. You looked at me with a frown and an amused expression.

“Oh, no problem,” you said sighing, going back to your carriage and taking out the things that I did ask for. “Here is your order, check that everything is okay, please.”

I approached with a slow step, looking at the contents of those boxes, well, pretending to look at them, actually, I was looking at you.

“Y-yes, everything is okay,” I murmured, turning away embarrassed, unable to stay close to you, pretending that I was nothing but a Lord, that I didn't count the hours to see you.

“Great, it's…” you said thoughtfully, calculating the money I had to pay you.

“It doesn't matter, here,” I said, taking out a bag of coins and reaching out to give it to you. “Keep what's left, I know it's not easy to get here.”

“You're very generous, Lady Beneviento,” you sighed gratefully, with a tender smile. “But for me it's not a problem to come here, the road is very relaxing.”

“Do you think so?” I asked, desperately trying to extend your stay, trying to you to not leave me again. “Normally people tend to be afraid of the forest.”

You shook your head, making a gesture with your hands.

“That's because they're cowards,” you said amused, organizing the remaining room in your cart, putting away the coins. “They don't know how to appreciate the beauty that is in the darkness.”

I smiled without you being able to see me, with my breathing agitated by your flattery, false or genuine. Nobody liked the forest, nobody liked me.

“Anyway, I hope you have a good day,” you said shaking your hands, taking your carriage to make me suffer, to disappear from my property. “See you tomorrow.”

“S-Sure… Take-Take care of yourself,” I said timidly, with a broken voice, not wanting to see you walk away, opening the door slowly, with a frustrated sigh.

“Ciao!” you said amused, waving your hand to say goodbye, hiding your smile from me again.

“Ciao…” I sighed, entering the mansion again, relaxing my body tense from the love I felt for you, for a love you would never discover.

“Are you stupid?” Angie asked, crossing her arms. I ignored her, getting rid of the veil with a sad look. “Don't let her go.”

“What?” I asked annoyed, taking a look at those fabulous fabrics. “Angie, leave me alone.”

“Do I have to do everything?!” the puppet shrieked, pushing me and walking out the door. “Hey, you, merchant! Come here!”

“Angie… What are you doing?” I said nervously, looking at the end of the path, where you stopped, looking back with a surprised look.

“Yes, you! The idiot with the carriage! Come here!” Angie shrieked, making me freeze in embarrassment. At that moment the bottom of the waterfall seemed like the best place for Angie.

You turned around, walking back to me. Angie nudged me, pointing at the black veil I was wringing in my sweaty hands. I put it on in time. You didn't want to see me. I would lose you forever if you did.

“Miss Angie, were you yelling at me?” you joked with your hands on your hips, looking at me amused as I tried to put the veil on.

“Yes, Donna wanted to tell you something,” the doll said, pushing my legs to get me closer to you, almost throwing me down the stairs.

“Oh, really? Did I forget something?” you asked confused, scratching the back of your neck, worried in case you hadn't done your job well.

“No, no...” I sighed, reassuring you with a gesture of my hands. “I, I was wondering if... Well, walking so much is exhausting and...”

“Yes, actually it is,” you interrupted, with a feigned gesture of tiredness. “But I'm used to it.”

“Maybe... Maybe you'd like... No, I don't know, maybe you'd like to have some tea... With, with me,” I stammered, daring to tell you, to propose you spend time with me. I shouldn't be surprised by my daring, I'd been dreaming about something like that for too long.

“Oh, I...” you murmured with a shy smile. My nerves kept me firm, motionless, imagining in my head the worst possible scenario.

“You, you don't have to accept... it's also silly... I, I'm sorry, (Y/N), forget it,” I said nervously, thus avoiding hearing your words of rejection.

“No, um... I, I was looking forward to you saying that,” you said in a soft tone, looking away and approaching slowly.

My heart was beating fast with each step you took. I didn't think it was going to be that simple.

“Were you?” I asked curiously, playing shyly with my hands, having you too close again. You nodded, biting your lip, giving me a shiver.

“Yes, because...” you murmured in a tone that seemed seductive to me. “Because I just got an incredible tea that I would like you to try.”

I was speechless, watching you take some tea bags out of your dress that you shook mockingly in front of my eye. Angie couldn't help but burst into a subtle but obvious laugh.

“Oh,” I said confused and disappointed, taking the bag and pretending to observe it. “Um... I'll be happy to try it, if, if you come with me,” I said, again showing the courage I didn't have, taking advantage of the sweetness expressed in your gaze.

“Of course, it will be a pleasure to have tea with you,” you said enthusiastically, walking behind me back to the mansion.

“Um... So, sorry for the mess,” I said nervously, moving away the fabrics and sewing materials that were scattered around my sad living room, guiding you to a small sofa, to my favorite corner.

“Oh, you haven’t seen the Duke's warehouse,” you joked, sitting down as I told you.

I laughed shyly, shaking my head, turning around cowardly to disappear from your overwhelming presence.

“My lady!” you shouted, making me stop. I turned slowly, watching you shake the bag in your hands. “You forgot the tea.”

“Oh, certo,” I said nervously, approaching again and snatching it from your hands roughly, making you blink confused. I was always a mess. “It will only be a moment.”

“I have time,” you said amused, looking around curiously.

I was finally able to get rid of my nerves, boiling the water calmly in the kitchen, not believing that it was happening, that you were in my house, that you were going to have tea with me.

“You're welcome, huh?” a shrill voice interrupted my thoughts. I didn't even notice that Angie came down with me, unfortunately.

“Do you want me to thank you? You don't know how embarrassed I've been…” I hissed furiously while the tea slowly took on its characteristic color. “I guess (Y/N) is now in my house after all… And… And she's going to have tea with me.”

“Yes, yes, so? What are you going to do?” the puppet asked, leaving me without an answer again. “Are you going to tell her that you love her? That you're crazy about her?”

“Don't talk nonsense, I can't do that,” I muttered, shaking my head, frowning. “She can't even guess what I feel for her.”

“Of course, because you don't tell her,” Angie said, crossing her arms, with an accusatory tone. “Do you expect her to be able to read your mind or what?”

“No, cazzo…” I protested, hitting the counter with my fists. “I, I don't know what to say to her… I, I don't know if she…”

“I don’t  know, I don't know…” the puppet mocked, jumping on the floor. “You're a Lord, she would never dare to reject you.”

“That's not what I want, Angie,” I sighed, placing the spoons in a perfect way, everything had to be perfect for you. “I want, I want her to… Forget it… It's impossible.”

“You'll never know if you don't try,” the doll said, leaving me thinking. Once again, she was right, Angie was always right.

“Try…” I murmured, passing my hand inside my veil, wiping the sweat from my forehead. “I don't know how.”

“To begin with, take that off,” Angie said jumping onto the counter and uncovering my face roughly, pulling the veil with her hands.

“What are you doing? Give it back to me,” I protested, chasing the doll around the kitchen. You couldn't see me, you shouldn't see me, or you would hate me, I would disgust you.

“How do you plan to seduce (Y/N) without her being able to look you in the eyes?” the doll said, running away from me in an almost comical way. “Well… In the eye. The eyes are the mirror of the soul.”

“Are they? Well my mirror is broken,” I sighed, crossing my arms, unable to snatch my black veil from Angie.

“Nonsense, now move your ass, get up there and seduce that silly village girl,” Angie ordered me, making me growl again.

“I can't, not with this face,” I sobbed, starting to lose my nerves. “She'll never love me if she sees my appearance.”

“You don't know that,” Angie said, putting a hand on my shoulder to calm the trembling of my hands, my desire to destroy everything again. “Hey, if (Y/N) sees that you trust her enough to show her your face, maybe it will be easier for you to talk to her, don't you think?”

“I don't think so,” I said, taking a deep breath to calm myself.

“Someone is waiting for you…” the doll sang.

There would be nothing wrong with trying, looking at you with my own eye, not seeing your blurred beauty. At least I could see you one last time before you ran away.

“Moon river, wider than a mile, I'm crossin' you in style someday…” your voice made my nerves worse, that sweet song you were singing distractedly made me forget for a moment my uncovered face. Such a beautiful voice… Such a beautiful girl…

“Ahem,” I cleared my throat to get your attention, something I managed, making you shut up immediately, looking at me with an embarrassed smile.

“Oh, my lady,” you said nervously while I left the tray with the cups on the table. I was a bundle of nerves, the tea trembled dangerously, my gaze struggled to escape from yours. “How embarrassing, you heard me sing.”

“Schiocchezze… You have a beautiful voice,” I murmured in a low voice, looking at the floor as I sat in front of you. A compliment that came from my soul thanks to your angelic voice.

“Wow, thank you,” you said amused, blowing on your cup of tea, looking at me with a confused expression.

I trembled, moving my hands in my lap, not looking up, knowing what that expression meant, knowing the horror to look at my true face caused you.

Silence fell over us, I didn't know what to say, you didn't know what to say. Surely horrible thoughts were wandering through your head, surely you would finish your tea as quickly as possible. You would leave forever.

“Um… Wow, it's very hot,” you said nervously, putting the cup back on the tray. “Hey, you look different,” ​​you commented.

I looked at you briefly, hiding my ugliness behind the steaming cup of tea.

“Yes, you definitely look much better like this,” you finally said, slowly picking up your cup, blowing on it to make the scorching heat go away. “I can look you in the eyes… Well, in the… Eye,” you said unsure, reminding me of Angie.

I sighed, believing that you were doing nothing but lying.

“There's no need for you to be complacent, (Y/N),” I whispered in a voice taken over by my demons, by the voices in my head that reminded me how horrible I was. “I know I'm horrible.”

“Oh, no, not at all,” you said, with a nervous smile, looking at the hall door, pointing to the stairs. “So that pretty woman in the portrait was you…”

“Pretty?” I asked in a mocking tone, shaking my head. “You must be blind.”

“Mm, no, I can see perfectly,” you said with a tone that didn’t betray mockery, one that made me frown, had you really not understood my irony? “I have never even needed glasses.”

“How… Lucky,” I murmured a bit confused, taking a sip of that tea. At least it was delicious. “You were not lying, it’s a good tea.”

“È il meglior,” you said amused, with a mischievous look. I dared to look at you, to let my gaze make contact with yours. You were perfect, (Y/N), I couldn't help but smile. “Oh, did I say it wrong?”

“It seems that you take your work seriously,” I whispered amused, feeling for the first time comfortable with your presence. Your eyes didn’t reflect fear. Your body seemed not to tremble. The greatest of my worries was blurred with your shy laugh.

 “Well, I wouldn't want my boss to stop being the lord and master of the business because of me,” you joked, breathing calmly, relaxed, without taking your eyes off mine. Maybe there was something between us, maybe it was worth trying.

“I see, he's very lucky to have you,” I commented with a sigh, with my cheeks burning with embarrassment. Maybe I was going too far, maybe I was making a mistake.

“You think so? Bah, I'm just a girl like any other,” you said, downplaying my words, sincere words, which were gaining more and more strength.

“That's not true,” I said amused, with a murmur that tried to be seductive. “The Duke wouldn't leave his business in the hands of just any girl.”

“Mm, now you mention it...” you said thoughtfully, with a hand on your chin, leaning on the sofa. “…Well, the Duke has always told me that I have a natural talent for attracting clients, but I don't know what he means exactly.”

My body stirred as I studied your innocent gaze. Did you really not know how beautiful you were, how sweet your voice was?

“I suppose you have a natural talent for trading,” I said, hiding my blush in my teacup again. “You are good at talking to people.”

“Oh, no, that's a lie, my lady,” you interrupted, with a silly laugh. “Before the Duke hired me, I was the shyest girl in the village, I assure you.”

“I find it hard to believe,” I said amused, laughing embarrassedly.

“Well, it's true, I never... Well, I've never been the most charismatic girl in the world but... When I started in this business I saw how easy it was for me to talk to people. Normally they are all very kind to me.”

“Kind?” I asked curiously, wanting to know what you were referring to.

“Mm,” you murmured, nodding. “There are villagers who just by seeing me, they want to buy anything, or just want talk to me. Maybe I have an innate talent, right?”

“I-I guess so,” I stammered, not wanting to imagine the claws of any villager on your skin, on the soft fabric of your dress, not wanting to imagine horrible eyes studying your body. “I, I can't blame them... You're a... Very... Beautiful girl.”

“How curious, everyone says the same thing,” you said with a frown. “I really didn't imagine that people could be so kind in a place like this... And, well, all of you.”

“All of us?” I asked curiously, tilting my head, starting to feel uncomfortable in that situation.

“Yes, well, the Lords, you know what I mean. I'm sick of spending hours and hours in the castle, your sister, Lady Dimitrescu is also very kind, she always has nice words for me.

“My, my sister,” I hissed with a dark voice, with the teacup shaking in my hand, with a cold look, with my lips pressed together.

 No, not her.

“Yes, she always invites me to see her paintings,” you commented passively, without giving it any importance. “It doesn't matter if I tell her I'm in a hurry, she always insists.”

“Do you like being with her?” I asked without meaning to, questioning you from the depths of my increasingly wounded heart.

“Mm, it's entertaining,” you said, shrugging your shoulders. “But the truth is that I get a bit tired of her constantly telling me how beautiful I am, she's too kind.”

“Kind, you say? Do you think my sister is kind?” I asked again, repressing my impulse to get up from the chair, to scream and break everything in anger.

“Yes, she always makes me smile,” you said innocently, as if you didn't know what you were saying, something that seemed unlikely. “Well... It’s a bit late and...”

“Yes, of course,” I said nervously, getting up at the same time as you, who looked at me with an apologetic face.

“I've had a great time with you, my lady,” you said sighing, with a sincere smile, one that pierced my chest like an arrow, straight to my heart.

“T-Then…” I interrupted your game, shyly grabbing your wrist. Your stories made me lose control, the need to have you was unbearable, and even more so when I knew that I wasn't the only one who was able to see your beauty. “Would you like to have tea with me tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow?” you asked thoughtfully, nodding after a terrible moment of doubt. “Of course, I would love to, my lady.”

“Donna… C-Call me Donna, please,” I said upon hearing your answer, knowing that you would spend more time with me, that you felt comfortable by my side.

“Okay, Donna,” you said amused, winking at me. “Oh, and don't worry about the tea, it’s free for you,” you whispered, walking towards the door. I felt Angie's pushes, her impatient gestures for me not to let you go again.

“Wait, wait a moment, (Y/N),” I said nervously, grabbing your hand again, losing myself in the softness of your skin, one that I could only imagine in my dreams. “I want, I want to tell you something…”

You nodded, letting my hand caress you, without moving it away, something that made the words not want to come out of my mouth.

“Um… I…” I stammered, not knowing what my intentions were, what I wanted to tell her. It was a pathetic, desperate attempt, an attempt to hold you back a little longer, just a little longer. “I… I really want to see you tomorrow.”

“I haven't left yet,” you joked, with a tender look. “But… Yes, I also want to go back, I really like being with you, Donna.”

“Me, me too…” I sighed, moving a little closer, before your hand finally separated from mine, you winked at me and disappeared through the door.

I sighed as I watched the door close again, the light of your presence fade, the darkness returning to my life.

“Well… It hasn't gone so badly, has it?” Angie said, interrupting my thoughts, which were meditating on what had happened, on each of your words, your gestures… I wanted something to tell me that I had a chance…

“Are you kidding? It's been a disaster,” I commented, walking towards the phone, frowning, with one thing very clear, something I had to do.

“Who are you calling?” the doll asked, while I waited for someone to answer the phone. My blood was burning with rage.

“Dimitrescu Castle…” my sister's tired and always seductive voice sounded on the other end. I couldn't do anything but clench my fists tightly, taking a breath.

“Listen carefully, Alcina, because I'm only going to say this once,” I began hissing, with rage and jealousy taking absolute control of my words. “(Y/N) is mine. I saw her first so do me a favor and keep your claws away from her, find another helpless girl among your hundreds of maids, capisci?”

“Excuse me? Donna? What the…?”

“Stupida,” I growled, hanging up the phone without giving any further explanation. I was furious, jealous, thinking about the times you had been with her, the times I lost that opportunity to be with you.

“Wow, wow, easy, Donna,” Angie said, making a gesture with her hands while I ran my hand over my forehead, terribly nervous.

“Angie… This… This is not going well,” I said, finding serious difficulties to breathe, to speak clearly. “Just when I think I've gotten close to her… I…”

“Hey, it seemed like a big step to me,” the doll said, rubbing my back. “She seemed comfortable with you.”

“Comfortable? I've done nothing but flirting to her the whole time, and what has she done? Ignore me, and do you know why? Because she doesn't feel anything for me,” I lamented, trying not to let the tears come out yet, not to let desperation take over my soul.

“Pfff,” Angie said, drawing my anger back to her. “If you call that flirting…”

“It's… It's the best I can do… I, I can't let… them, take her away from me…” I stammered, shaking my head.

“You'll have to be more direct,” the doll advised me, getting down from the small telephone table.

“More? I haven't stopped telling her how beautiful she is… How much I like her company, I don't know what else I can do… Maybe, maybe she's noticed and… And she thinks that ignoring me is the best way to avoid hurting my feelings… Yes, that's it, for sure,” I rambled, starting to see the reality, the impossibility of having your love.

“Mmm,” Angie murmured, thoughtfully. “It's true, it's been even painful, Donna,” she mocked. “But…”

“But…” I growled, about to deactivate that annoying doll.

“Hey, maybe you're wrong,” she finally said, pulling my dress so I relaxed, so I sat in an armchair next to her. “Maybe she's just stupid.”

“Stupid?” I asked, letting myself fall into the armchair, sighing and letting out my frustrations. “What do you mean?”

“Maybe she didn't get the hints,” Angie commented, climbing onto my lap.

“That's impossible... Even a child would get them,” I whispered, looking out the window, pushing away from my heart the desire to cry.

“That's why I tell you that I think (Y/N) is just stupid. If you don't believe me, test her, be more direct,” the doll said, with an air of superiority that got on my nerves.

“No, how do you want me to say it?” I protested with a threatening hiss. “I don't know how to seduce anyone, I've never seduced anyone.”

“Fine, then continue crying alone in your bed, regretting that you haven't dared to do anything, but don't count on me, I'm sick of hearing you talk about that stupid girl...” Angie sighed, tired of my attitude, leaving me alone again, allowing me to reflect.

Angie's stupid theory traveled through my mind, making itself present in my thoughts, diverting my attention from my main problem. No, there was no way I could think that you didn't realize what my words meant. I was always clumsy, I never knew how to express myself, I never knew how to talk to anyone.

The possibility about the doll being right was confusing. If you didn't realize what I felt... No, no, it wasn't possible, my words said it all, my words spoke for my heart, you couldn't just not get it. You would have to be ignoring it.

Even with the certainty that my hypothesis was the most correct, that you would never feel anything for me, doubt continued to darken my thoughts, continued torturing me. After all, I was a Lord, you were a villager... What could I lose by trying?

As strange as it seemed, that option was the best. To get rid of doubts, to see how far your patience would go, how far you could bear my flattery, my desire to be with you. And so I did.

You came the next day and the words came out of my mouth on their own. The bitter taste of the tea contradicted my sweet words, ones that provoked your smiles, smiles that I studied, trying unsuccessfully to see the discomfort or rejection in them. I was not able to understand the reason for your attitude, that shy but at the same time absent-minded look, taking my compliments as a simple gesture of kindness.

As the days went by, with those quiet chats over a cup of tea, my patience began to wear thin. You always came back, you always let yourself be flattered, you never stopped me from telling you how beautiful you were, how good I felt with you. Could it be that Angie was right after all?

It seemed unthinkable, but your behavior only confirmed it to me. I even dared to caress you, to touch the softness of your skin, to make contact with your body to be my greatest hobby. You never turned away, you never complained, you always smiled, always.

Little by little I stopped seeing that smile as something divine, and instead saw it as something diabolical, something infernal, a cruel mockery of fate. No matter how hard I tried, you never took notice. You never believed that my sincere words meant anything else.

“You took so long,” I said with the same smile that I had on my face when I saw you, letting you in for another hellish tea, for another desperate attempt of my feelings to be heard.

“Yes, I'm sorry,” you said amused, walking happily through the house, sitting in the usual place, in front of me. “They've kept me busy at the bakery.”

I smiled again, shaking my head, always apologizing. It didn't matter that you took forever. I would always be waiting for you.

“It doesn't matter, (Y/N), I like waiting for you,” I said with a shy whisper, with a well-rehearsed look, a seductive one, or one that pretended to be.

“Do you know who Roberto is? The baker's son?” you asked, with an amused grimace, bringing the cup of tea to your perfect lips, those that I could never kiss.

I nodded slowly, not giving importance to your question.

“He's been talking to me all morning…” you sighed, rolling your eyes. “He won't leave me alone.”

“Is he bothering you?” I asked in a dark voice. As long as I'm alive, no one would dare to bother you, I assure you.

“Mm, no, well, not exactly,” you commented amused. “He's determined to buy all the books of the Flora and Fauna collection, can you believe it? Him,” you joked with that same casual tone.

The tremors returned to my hands, but I tried to stay calm.

“How annoying,” you snorted, opening your eyes wide. “He keeps telling me I'm beautiful, and, look at this, he gave me a bracelet,” you said, extending your hand so I could look at the shiny ornament hanging from it.

It couldn't be possible, were you really an angel, or a demon?

“That boy gave you this,” I murmured with contempt, frowning at your calm gaze. I looked at Angie confused, who shrugged in an amused manner.

“Yes, he says that the shine of silver brings out the beauty of my eyes. What nonsense, it's just a bracelet,” you said disinterestedly. I was already burning with rage, closing my eye, trying to control my breathing. “Are you okay?”

“Yes… I… Why a bracelet?” I asked annoyed, shifting in the chair, noticing how a cold sweat ran down my neck. “But, but…”

“Bah, I guess he just wants to be nice,” you said, downplaying it with a gesture of your hand. I blinked several times. It couldn't be true, you really were blind.

“Nice… (Y/N),” I murmured, calmly putting the cup on the table, trying to find the appropriate words, beginning to understand your strange behavior, but denying to myself that it was true.

“Yes, I had to promise him that I would go see the stars with him tonight. If not, I think I would still be at the bakery,” you said amused. Not even your sweet voice could make me smile after listening to you.

“See, see the stars…” I repeated more and more nervously, shaking my head, laughing mockingly.

“Yes, it seems like a good plan to do with friends, don't you think?” you said, relaxing your expression, worried about my strange reaction. “Donna, are you sure you're okay?”

“You can't be that naive…” I sighed, getting up from the chair, pacing back and forth in the room, nervous, about to lose control again. “I can't believe it, friends, you say?”

“Y-Yes…” you murmured, moving back in place, confused and a bit nervous. “He wants to be my friend.”

“Is that what you think?” I asked, approaching and grabbing you by the shoulders, staring at you, searching your gaze for the trap, that small gesture that would reveal your intentions to laugh at me.

“Donna, you're scaring me,” you said with a trembling voice. I let you go with a growl, the pressure was too strong, my love for you was already unbearable, as was discovering that your attitude was genuine, clueless and trusting.

“You’re scaring me,” I hissed, pointing at you with my finger, laughing mockingly, almost sinisterly. “Are you really not able to see what's in front of your eyes?”

“Mm, what do you mean? Now I only see you and... You're, you're a bit nervous... Y-You should calm down, do you want me to call a doctor?”

“Idiota!” I screamed furiously, clenching my fists tightly on both sides of my hips. “That guy doesn't want to be your friend, (Y/N), he wants to take you to bed, can't you see it?”

“To bed? What for?” you asked with a frown, getting up to study my movements and try to stop them. Your expression changed when you realized, opening your mouth and blushing embarrassed. “Oh, you mean… Seduce me… Bah, no, I don't think so.”

“You don't think so?” I asked with a disoriented expression, opening my eye wide, not knowing whether to let tears consume me or laugh at that situation. “Gods… How can you be that stupid?”

“Hey, don't insult me, Donna, I, I haven't done anything to you,” you said fearfully, with an annoyed and sad look. “Be-Besides, what do you care if he wants to flirt with me? We're friends, right?”

“Friends…” I said, shaking my head, looking at the doll, who was already afraid of my loss of control. “Stupida…”

“Hey, if you're going to keep insulting me, I'd better go,” you said angrily, grabbing your jacket and walking towards the exit. “It's been a pleasure being with you.”

“Donna, you fool, don't let her go,” Angie said, pushing me by the legs. Closing my eye, risking everything on one last desperate card, I ran to stop you, grabbing your wrist, feeling the soothing softness of your skin on mine.

“Wait, wait, (Y/N),” I said in a calmer voice, pulling you along, with a pleading look.

“What do you want? I'm in a hurry,” you said, visibly upset by my erratic behavior.

 It was now, or never.

“I'm in love with you,” I confessed with a clear voice, looking you in the eyes, sounding as sincere as possible, putting my nerves aside, praying to the Black Gods that you would understand my words.

“What? It's, it's a joke, isn't it?” you asked after a few moments of unbearable tension, with me consumed by your silence.

“Do you think I'm joking?” I hissed, darkening my gaze. I didn't care about anything anymore, if I lost you, at least I would die fighting. “I love you, (Y/N), I've loved you since the day I met you.”

“You… You love me…” you sighed, repeating my words, blinking in confusion, unable to prevent your mouth from rising, your cheeks from blushing. “But, but that's not possible… You, you're a Lord and I…

“You're the most wonderful girl I know. Ti amo, sono pazza di te…” I said again, pulling you closer to me, with a pleading look, caressing your cheek, brushing your hair away from your beauty.

“Wow…” you sighed, joining your hand with mine, with a tender smile, one that told me I hadn't made a serious mistake. “So that was it… Why didn't you tell me before?”

A loud laugh interrupted my statement, Angie seemed to be writhing on the floor laughing, laughing at me, of course.

“I've been trying to tell you for weeks, (Y/N) but you... You didn't want to listen to me,” I said, ignoring the doll's unpleasant laughter.

“Really? I hadn't realized,” you said with a loving whisper, with a look that went straight to my eye, taking a step closer to me. “But, but you have, you have to be joking... You can't feel anything for me...”

“Maledizione...” I murmured, letting out a furious growl and grabbing your face in my hands, pulling it until my greatest wish was fulfilled, until my lips captured yours in a clumsy, messy kiss. “What do you think of this?”

“Mm... I loved it...” you sighed, still with your eyes closed, with a smile that grew wider. “Can you do it again?”

I obeyed, forgetting for a moment the effort it took me to get to that point, forgetting the whole nights of crying, the voices that told me something like that would be impossible, that you would never be mine.

“Mm, Donna… I, I'm in love with you too,” you whispered, hugging me innocently while I surrounded your body with my arms, keeping you close to it.

“(Y/N)…Gods…” I sighed, unable to contain a tear of happiness that slid down my cheek.

“I really thought you would never realize it,” you commented, playing with the buttons of my dress, forcing me to arch my eyebrow and kiss you quickly, not wanting to think that maybe it was another one of my dreams. “I thought you just wanted to be my friend.”

“You can't be serious,” I said, shaking my head, enjoying the warmth of your hug. “My love…”

“Donna,” you sighed, radiating happiness. “Did you really think I came here every day just to sell you that stuff?”

“And you really thought I called any girl who came near my property beautiful?” I countered, laughing amused, enjoying the tenderness of your innocence.

“Maybe you just wanted to be nice…” you murmured, hanging on my neck.

“Nice…” I sighed, kissing you again. “You're such a clueless girl, you know that?”

[girllookingoutwindow]

I know this scene belongs to season 2, but I wanted to give my thoughts about it because I think is one of the more important in the nature of their relationship.

The scene mix the necessity of being understood for the contemporary viewer, when in reality the time is situated it's important.

Every time I watch this scene I cannot stop thinking how much he's in love and he cannot see it. Because this moment to me is a declaration of love in so many ways. I know, people tend to focus in the 'friend' part,I do too, but I will explain myself, I hope.

He says, he doesn't knew himself before and he's saying the truth. Because what he knew about himself was through social norms and expectations. The idea of who he was or he needed to be.

Penelope wasn't part of what he calls 'the world'. The world who is asking him to be something different of what he's. She's a safe place. The letters aloud to him find a way to be open and honest with her without any kind of prejudice. She's the person with he can be himself. She sees him, the true him, and he feels seen. He never felt the need to follow rules with her, even when the letters could ruin her. Possible because the friendship between her and Eloise gave them permission to be closed in a way it wouldn't be acceptable in another. He even gets annoyed when he has too.

The letters where there because he felt the need to be in contact with her. What she said about love before he was going, make him think. He found in her someone who was welling to be open without any prejudice. So, through the letters with her, Colin felt free.

But 'the world' is still there, chasing him. He doesn't feel free to be the real Colin. He's still trying to be part of it, with a mask.

He talks like if he is in a brake. He needs to find himself, to enter the world again. But to do so, he cannot be what he really is. Still he cannot realize the contradiction of his line of thoughts. Contradiction that gets in evidence when the letters stopped.

Womens are part of this world too. Him finding a wife, a love, marrying is all part of the same discord. So, he says he says he is sworn for the time of women.

And Pen's hopes get smaller, so she does the question that she does. But Colin, doesn't understand what she's feeling. She wants to be seen like a woman, because she's one, so she remembers him that. Colin, to the contrary he doesn't see her that way, like a 'woman', because she's 'Pen'. She doesn't bellow to the crowd, she's more than that, and he doesn't want her to feel that way.

He's saying she is safe, she will always part of his life.

There's only one Pen in his life, doesn't exist another, she's his friend. Oblivious how he's of the implications of his words: he's not just friendzoning her, he's friendzoning himself. Because if she becomes a woman, she could be part of the world he doesn't feel like his own. He doesn't want to, because that way exist the risk of losing her.

And with that our hopes and Pen hopes went to the toilet, because she wants to be part of the world. She wants to feel like the other girls, she wants to be desired, she wants to dance and she wants to feel beautiful.

She feels ignored, nobody's sees her, so what's the point? She comes back to the corner of the room, when she feels more comfortable. Nobody's is watching her, nobody cares. Nobody will notice if she cries there.

[goginaporter]

rina, rini, and change

ricky and nini literally being built to fall apart

- love born out of childhood and that connection

- nini said ily, ricky couldn’t say it back bc of parent’s divorce and dealing with that change in his life

- nini goes on self discovery/growth arc, comes back different

- ricky is shocked that things cannot go back to the way they always were

- nini more confident, discovering she does not need to rely on boys

- after ricky is “friendzoned” by nini, he accepts it instead of fighting it (key first step)

- fighting with gina at hoco before apologizing (another sign of growth) and giving her a ride home and befriending her

- in same ep, pushing his dad to move forward and put himself out there, showing his acceptance of the divorce just as he’s accepted the breakup

- gina continues to represent this positive change for him and as she is ripped away, we see him regress and thus also push nini to regress as well (almost kiss in 108)

- ricky saying something is different after seeing gina bc he feels how he has slid back and her being there is a reminder of how change can be positive, something he has stopped believing in

- also exemplified by him thinking his parents are back together

- him realizing that parents are not together rattles him and I would argue drives him to confess to nini if almost to fix it, esp with his mom saying “not all couples are meant to be together (her and his dad, him and nini). sometimes people change.” (i.e. major foreshadowing lol)

- nini had gone on her whole girlboss journey but we see her accept ricky’s ily after she thinks that she got rejected from yac; her change didn’t work so it’s okay to slip back to who she used to be bc it’s predictable

- but BAM she did get accepted and even though she leaves yac, it was a place for her to continue to curate that girlboss arc even if that school wasn’t the right avenue. this comes at odds with her relationship with ricky and leads to the rose song and to their breakup. they had both been grasping onto the relationship as an excuse not to accept the people they had grown into and when they let go (as ricky sings) it is when they are able to move forward

- love did not grow and evolve with them as they changed and became different people so even though it was present their second time around, it wasn’t enough bc they had changed and the love stayed the same, rooted in childhood (exemplified by nini closing out that chapter of his childhood with the lottery ticket and staying in his past just as she was leaving him behind)

ricky and gina being built to last (despite some bumps)

- their first conversation being one shrouded in deceit on gina’s part, at least a little, but it was still enough to push ricky to stay. one talk with a girl he barely knew who believed in him, which was more than what he got from all the other people in his life

- this conversation, though it came from a place of slight deception, is reinforced with honesty as we see in their conversation in the car after homecoming. them “getting” each other because they are outsiders is beautiful bc their loneliness calls to each other and for the first time, they get a response

- this friendship (though it was always loaded with more from the beginning) allows them not only to forge new connections with each other (ricky who had barely made new friends since childhood vs gina who never stayed in one place long enough for these friendships to form) but also with the theater kids, allowing them to jump headfirst together into changing what made them outsiders in the first place

- we see this bond strengthen and grow as they tease each other throughout the photoshoot, gina all but tells ej, her former partner in crime, that she cares about ricky, and she helps calm ricky down at the prospect of miss jenn leaving + the show falling apart by asking him to play guitar. they lobby compliments between each other (showing how they had admired each other from afar even before hoco) and you feel this nervous excitement and tension that exists between crushes. ah young love

- them walking into the aforementioned rehearsal together and big red asking ricky what happened with gina and ricky replying with “I’m not sure yet.” suggesting his willingness and intention to get to know her better

- in each of these episodes we’ve seen ricky open up to gina slightly but this true mark of change and evolution for him is how he talks to her about his mom and her new bf. things that he used to only talk about with nini are now easily spilled to gina; he trusts her enough to go to this party with her and leaves when she does, showing this invisble string that exists between them. this moment almost definitely solidifies how their fates are now inextricably tied to each other now. for ricky, his mom was a huge question mark in his journey to accepting the divorce, so for gina to help him see that it’s okay to put his happiness first in this situation and not immediately solve it surprises and lightens him. even in the face of comfort from nini, his primary goal at the beginning of the season, he still rushes (presumably) after gina. him and nini were not on bad terms before the party and we only see him snap in the face of the thing that helped him accept change literally walking out of his life

- no surprise then that he that he turns back to nini and regresses, undoes all that change, when his change agent is gone. this isn’t to say that gina is responsible for the shift in ricky but she is the muse that guided him towards growth and her absence leads to his backtracking.

- her coming back (temporarily as they had believed at the time) reveals to ricky how impactful she was for him and he almost mourns what could’ve been; the flashback scene shows this to us for both of them as well as they hold each other for what they think will be the last time

- ofc fate has other plans so! the change we see ricky really grappling with all of s2a is his connection with gina and the person that has pushed him to be vs his role as nini’s bf and how that shoehorns him into a clingy, annoying version of himself that he has outgrown (though he refuses to fully accept that)

- after rini breakup, he talks about how he still hates change but is able to write let you go and move on. lily is his way of trying to find what helped him the last time he broke up with nini (which was gina) unfortunately, lily is not, and never will be, gina, and so that doesn’t work. however, ricky rolls with his punches and he finds himself right where he needed to be. at camp shallow lake with gina porter.

- no surprise that gina sings of finding her balance and then we see her reconnect and reconcile with ricky, the only person we see across seasons to know and accept and love her

- ricky singing kristoff’s lullaby and singing to gina specifically when he says that everything he knew about love, she had changed. gina believed in him, affirmed him, and helped him on his journey of growth and of becoming a better person. it’s why, as opposed to s1, even though he is aware of his feelings for her, he does not cross the boundary of her relationship with ej but instead invests in their friendship and in making her happy. she has changed him for the better to the point that his romantic love, just as his platonic love developed, shifts from selfish to selfless

- though they have grown from their s1 selves, ricky and gina are still able to connect and fall for each other. given that they’re soulmates, it’s inevitable.

- they fell for each other when they least expected it in s1 and it helped them move from this shared identity of outsiders (which will still always bond them) to people who belong somewhere. in s2, even though things are weird between them bc of rini and gina’s confession, they still have things that they only tell each other. and in s3, when gina says they are different people, we still see them falling deeper for each other over the course of the season, founded on the connection they forged in s1. with rina, the love flows and grows with them because that is how it started.

[arodrwho]

on GOD though. odo deepspacenine. why wasnt he aro. that would have been so much better than this nasty friendzone bullshit. i cannot BELIEVE they made odo/kira endgame thats disgusting

in the perfect canon that lives in my head, odo was aro and was a little bastard about kira falling in love and not having as much time for him... and then he got over himself!

and kira had a poly thing w keiko & miles. and odo was just like. Also There

like i dont even know if i want qpr odo & kira necessarily? but odo SHOULD be part of the package. the obriens add kira and they get a bonus odo for their troubles

....it COULD be interesting if kira dating keiko & miles is what instigates him getting his shit together. like oh. right yes. she can love more than 1 person. she isnt naturally going to prioritize 1 of those people more. the same applies also 2 our friendship. right. yes. okay

u can also have kira like aw shit i sorta knew i was having less free time but i thought maybe only i noticed. i guess u also noticed. am sorry :( lets make some time? and odo like . oh. thats. an option ?? and kira like ???? YES!!

and suchlike.

i also think molly can have another weird uncle. as a treat. (julian is already a weird uncle)

[hughungrybear]

Me watching Dangerous Romance Ep. 6

1. Why do I get a feeling that Pimfah is only saying she likes Sailom to push Kang into action? Am I wishful thinking? 😭

2. I mean, we all know it's coming, but ouch! Welcome to the Friendzone, Kang 😅. Anyway, I feel like the only reason why he likes Pimfah is because their fathers are friends and Kang doesn't know any better.

3. Well, this is going to be awkward — Sailom silently supporting Kang's crush on Pimfah, Kang thinking he needs to fire Sailom as a tutor and give him away to Pimfah (as if Sailom is a toy), and Pimfah, well I still don't know what Pimfah's real deal is 😅

4. Perth playing football reminds me of Pete from Love by Chance. ☺️

5. I'm been thinking about this since the 2gether series, but why is the cheer routine for these schools basically just hand gestures? I used to to do competitive cheerdance from the age of 11 to 16 (Years 6 to 10 equiv. in Australia). Let me tell you, at the end of each practice right until the competition, my body is aching in places I never knew can feel pain lol 😅😅😅

6. So, Nava isn't a complete asshole. I guess this is the start of my GuyNava ship lol. I am really rooting for Marc and Pawin since My Gear and Your Gown did them dirty.

7. Wait, so Pimfah does like Sailom? Why? How? You two barely interacted throughout the previous episodes. WTH 😭

8. Yeah, I don't think Pimfah is talking about her bandaged ankle 😭😭😭

9. Kang, dude. I don't know how your thought process works but Sailom can reject whoever he wants to reject just because. Sailom doesn't need to list his reasons why he doesn't romantically likes Pimfah. Also, get an effing clue lol (but then again, Sailom confessed so...🤭🤭🤭)

10. Oh my lords, Sailom is eating noodles silently. In the dark. So K-Drama protagonist of him. 😅

11. After getting beaten up by loan sharks in earlier episode in their own living room, you would think Sailom (and Saifah) would learn to lock their front door 😅😅😅

12. I really, really hope Kang does not mistake his apparent genuine care for Sailom as guilt. Athough, I'm still triggered he let Sailom sleep on that sofa without a blanket.

13. Wait, Kang-Sailom-Guy is another love triangle that I do not wished for. 😭😭😭 Make it right, GMMTV.

14. There it is. Tbf, he does a lot of good things for Sailom right after he did something bad that caused trouble for Sailom in the first place.

15. Well then, ouch. Sailom, baby, let me hug you.😔😔😔

16. Uhm, Guy, now is not the time to antagonize Kang. I mean, you are teammates. Also, look at that, Sailom cannot help but to cheer for Kang.

17. Yeah, why are the teammates only cheering for Guy when Kang passed the ball? Wtf.

18. I don't know how to feel about the kiss. On one hand, it is non-consentual. On the other, this is a BL and Sailom has been pining for so long. 😐

Next episode, Kang will try to win over Sailom's friends (even Guy). I can already see Kang's jealousy from here. Oi vey.

[consoledacup]

Hi, thanks for writing the missing parts chapters, have to admit my fave so far has to be the latest chapter obvs cannot wait for the next one.

Just wanted your thoughts on why you think Jordan didn't spiral/act out but instead just kept being the friend she needed even though it hurt when Layla friendzoned him at the top of 4x20? Given that the mere fear of Layla rejecting his proposal in 5x20 had him in a complete tailspin for most of the episode.

The latest is my fave, too! Thank you for reading. <3

Interesting question. He set aside his hurt feelings to be there for his best friend whom he just experienced a pretty traumatic event with. They were all in real danger with that swatting, so he had no idea how that would have triggered her. He wasn't ever gonna not be there for her, regardless of how things went for them romantically. They were a damn good team, and he knew how much she needed him.

He was also, more than ever, sure of her feelings. Even though she was avoiding him, he knew deep down that she was scared of going there with him. She said, "I feel lucky bc I found a best friend where I least expected to, and I don't want to screw that up." She did not say that her feelings were platonic or she didn't return his feelings for her.

With 5x20, JJ jumpstarted something he wasn't ready for just yet. Who knows when he was planning to propose? And when Jaymee told Layla about it, he felt like he had to furiously catch up and get ahead of this thing. So Layla's comments regarding Jasher and calling it a big mistake was not reassuring to him, and he didn't respond the best way.

Maybe even a tiny part of him worried that she'd break up with him if he proposed, or it'd cause cracks in their foundation. Like, based on her attitude about jasher, was he about to ruin the most perfect thing in his life bc he wanted it all with her?

The spiraling makes perfect sense to me. It was one day, he removed himself from the situation, got some clarity, and came back and apologized.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/2/24

5:46 p.m

I just matched with a 41 year old woman on okcupid. I've been open on my profile about being trans. I hope she won't friendzone me. I'm glad she's older than me. She has kids. Which is a plus for me.

I'll be an awesome stay at home dad. I wish she was you Elise but either way hopefully she responds. I want to date a single mom and have kids. I want to be a family.

All these 24 years old don't know their ass from their elbow. Katie didn't know what she wanted. None of my past partners knew what they wanted...

I just want a family to stay at home with.

I'm not going to lie Elise. I'm still holding my breath for you. I'm still holding out hope. I suppose in 2 more years, you'll either be my friend or be single... I suppose if you're my soulmate and we are meant to be I'll either still be single or I'll have been in a few short term relationships that didn't work out. Sex wouldn't be a thing.. for at least 6 months to a year so short term would never add up to that.

I'm going to get tested for STDS this month bc of Katie. She doesn't have anything, she got tested before we made love and so did I but I'm a strong believer you should always get tested in between sexual partners so I might as well get it done so when I find my next partner I know I'm clean. I'll have to ask my next partner to get tested before we make love. It's an expectation for me.

She prob won't respond to me, but it's nice to know that older woman will consider me as that's what I want, someone who knows exactly what she wants. A quiet comfortable life.

Not to mention I want to be with a woman I can't lie. I'll be settling on a transguys. I find transmen and cis women equally as attractive physically but emotionally transguys are like a 1 out of 10 and a woman is a 100 out of 10. 10 being incredibly emotionally attractive.

Brayson is attractive but- I mean he is like 30. Idk he prob doesn't want to settle down being recently divorced and beyond that I'll never forget when he got drunk and started texting me, trying to come over and get pounded.... while he was married. They were never doing good... but I mean that's the thing. I have a variety of reasons for thinking brayson is going to be a bad idea.

That why i haven't acted. If he was willing to come over and have sex with me while he was married... drunk or not he cannot be trusted.

So yea hopefully she responds but I expect an unmatch.

[drinkcoffeewithmeandakihayakawa]

I've seen a lot of people posting about confessing to their crush and whatnot,

Well, as far as I know though sometimes we felt scared of rejection but honestly, as experienced this, it is the feeling we can't really ditch in life. Not everybody feel the same way, which is really hurt and painful at some point. I think rejection might be the most I'm scared of and I don't wanna come acrossed with but things just happened the way it was.

I had a crush in freshman year in high school, he's the new kid of the class, very quiet and he does like minding his own business. I found him very attractive at that time, I admired him from a far for a little time because somewhat my classmate betrayed me and spread this secret I entrusted to her because she swore to me she won't tell a soul but after a day, I came to the school and everyone from the class knew it, even the teacher found out about it. Not long, when the teacher was arranging our sit plan, she asked me to stand up and, oh boy, does the boy I liked. Story short, she asked me if what she heard is real and true, I mean I'm cornered I have no reasons to deny that thing, so I asnwered, yes.

I was not confident nor I know what I'm saying that time but when I've heard the guy that, it was okay for him that I have crush on him and that's cool for him no biggie, I was quite relieved. I mean I was 13 years old back then, things like love doesn't really matter most to me. So yeah, timeskip, we became friends. And I thought my feelings for him was all gone and done, that's when my classmates start teasing us and telling us what's the real deal. Well, the answer is clear I got friendzoned lmao, and they keep on pressing us that there's more than that. I wish it was but hell knew. In times, our friendship really blossoms and so my feelings.

I knew that time where I was standing, in terms of our relationship. I knew I will never passed beyond that but you cannot simply stop loving someone, aren't you? So yeah, I keep hiding and hiding the feelings I have for him. I was already rejected but my heart kept falling and falling. I loved him. I do. 3 years that I have spent with him were easy fun and hard at the same time. I feel like I was a prisoner of my own feelings, the feelings I kept burying.

A year passed, and this feeling continously hurt me. He became the center of everything. He taught me everything he knew. He encourages me to do things I thought I couldn't do and what worse was he made me feel like I was special, where that's a joke on me. I was wide aware that this feeling would never return at the same amount. That this feeling would be better off dead a long time ago but there's this in my head that keeps on holding and holding to that. Grasping every thing that can be reached and so I was bleeding. I was bleeding for falling in love with a guy that will never see me more than a friend. So yeah, I watch the man I loved to fall for someone. I watch it happened in front of me, where the sadness and brokeness were visible but I kept on hiding it. I just watch my whole life fall apart because of a guy I will never have.

I mean, the feeling of confessing to someone is a big relief because you don't need to hide things or keep it yourself. I was happy that at least at some point I manage to tell him what I really feel when we became closer. Rejection is the end of everything, maybe they will return it to you. And maybe they cannot. There will always be so much possibilities and someimes you gotta take the risk to see the outcome. You can sulk about it when you get rejected because after all we are just human. And pain and hurting is something that we feel, so I think it is necessary for us to at least feel it.

And also, although I've never had a happy ending but it's funny that when I share this with my friends, I felt like stupid a some point, you know. It's like, why would you be so broken and in pain, when in you don't or never be in a relationship right? I mean, it was such a moronic way to be heartbroken but I was certain of my feelings toward that guy, I knew that it just wasn't an infatuation I have feeling. That would be easy, if it was.

But I think, that unrequited love was almost made me ruin. And I think it wasn't just a stupid experience for me. I was the one who's hurting and I was the one who's experiencing that. So my feelings are also important whether we never became lover or romance. I think I was hurt the same as anyone who was in a relationship and it didn't work. So yeah, not really interesting. Happened 5 or 6 years ago, and I am doing great and fine lmao

[beeedelweiss]

Also can we talk about how the fake ass gf of the chef Shinwoo or whatever he is called, treated our best girl Ha-ri ?? Like ?? What kind of behavior is that ? Its obvious that she was not really comfortable and the way she invalidated the fact she is dating okay she is not but STILL

And when the shitass boyfriend came back from the kitchen and was SO shocked and disapointed when he found out she was dating ? And he had it taken so badly that even the girlfriend noticed it ??

And even the way that before he threw her under the bus by giving her concert tickets and humiliating her in front of everyone ?? Which also would  have put the guy in an uncomfortable way knowing that the person who gave her those tickets friendzoned for 7 years ?? Like what kind of behavior is that ??

As well from what we saw in the trailer for next week he is going to be a total asshole to them for the whole week-end..

I just dont get what his deal is like ?? You were friends with her for 7 years and you did nothing ! He knew she had a crush on him and if he had been interest he would have made a move.

I feel like he just liked the attention she gave him. He was aware of the effect he had on her and he took profit of it as we saw that she helped him with the restaurant.  

He was flattered by the attention she gave him and he cannot tolerate her being happy, happy with someone else, having her eyes and attention on someone else, loving someone else.

[inky-duchess]

Writing Theory: Writing Romance Prt 1- Mastering the Tropes

Romance is a staple in most books today, whether it is a subplot or the main vein of a story and it pays to write it believable. Romance is not always easy as most tropes to write, it can be incredibly complex to write a romance arc that does not make your reader roll their eyes.

Romance Tropes

Though tropes can sometimes be considered the bane of any genre, but readers expect- even demand- them within the story. When writing romance, don't shy away from using them- in moderation, of course.

The Love Triangle

Perhaps the bread and butter of most fictional romances. It involves three (or more, then it is a square) participants. Usually two participants are in love with one love interest protagonist and argue over who is better for them (The Hunger Games, Twilight, Reign, Shadow and Bone). Love Triangles can sometimes be entertaining but if only each party as an equal chance of winning the protagonist's heart. It really makes no sense if one party has a better chance at winning than the other, leading the trop not to be a equalateral triangle but a skewed scalene (look I used maths 😊). Love triangles should never be one sided nor be dragged out until the reader gets tired of the Trope.

Friends to Lovers

Friends to lovers is probably the most favourably acclaimed romance Trope as it is realistic. Friends to lovers might be an overused Trope but it is one most readers don't tire of as long as its done correctly. Friends to lovers should never be rushed for most friends take their time to emerge from the friendzone. However, you must avoid the Ross and Rachel, where it is teased and milked so long that the reader just gives up on it all together. Friends to lovers has a tiered system that takes many years to evolve into a full blown romantic relationship: Friends, Questioning Friends, Angst over crossing the line, Crossing the Line to Romantically involved.

Enemies to Lovers/Villainous Love Interests

The villain is always somehow hot in most books today. Whether it be the Darkling in Shadow and Bone or Maven Calore or Anakin Skywalker, there is something exciting for both reader and protagonist to see the villain in this new light. Despite being a popular Trope, it has actually not died out but has yet to become the norm where it is expected in canon. It goes against the preconceptions of the reader and humanizes the villain to some degree, giving us just enough hope that they may come to light side. HOWEVER: enemies to lovers/villainous love interests should NEVER cross the line between intensity and abuse. NEVER EVER EVER EVER.

Opposites Attract

Oppostes attract is basically two characters who fall in love despite being two fundamentally different person, divided by opinion or affect. Opposites attract can only work if the two love interests have enough chemistry for the relationship to be believable and have just enough common ground so not to strangle one another. Now, from my own experiences and watching other opposites attract relationships, these usually run on conflict which is exciting but burns out fast. To create an opposites attract scenario, the two love interests must be able to meet on some kind of common ground be it an interest, a hobby or a task.

Forbidden Love

Forbidden Love is the backbone of a thousand romance novels and arcs. The lovers are often on opposite sides of a conflict or on different sides of time or a class system. The angst of breaking the rules fuels the story. Forbidden love or the Romeo-Juliet Scenario can often mastered by drawing the lines firmly throughout the narrative. The reader must understand why these characters cannot be together, there must be a valid reason that seems almost impossible to get around. For example, I never understood Twilight at all but what I really could never understand was Edward's refusal to turn Bella into a vampire. She was willing, she knew the risks and had asked him multiple times. Even if the relationship didn't work out, he would have made her immortal. Its a win-win for Bella. Forbidden love must also be believable. Characters must have real chemistry with each other and have a relationship worth risking the world for.

Soul Mates/Bound by Prophecy/Fate

Soul mates and fate is usually reserved for characters within fantasy or sci-fi genres though invoked by rl couples & contempory fiction heroines. However, souls mates is often labelled as a "set in stone" ultimatum and can considered to be boring. Yet, most soul mate and fate bound love, does not have to be boring or predictable. Soul mate tropes should branch out and use the prophecy element to turn the reader's expectations on their head. Soul mates tropes do not require romantic love. It can be any kind of relationship, including platonic.

[27emailsicantsend]

Hi! Not the same anon but I was the one who notice the 2x12 scene everything started with me believing that the episode felt incomplete without a rina scene when they are part of the core four I send it to heartsgallery /post/693057935133310976/what-if-the-flashback-is-of-2x12-Ricky-finding I still believe it exists until the last second of 3x08 is done I will believe is there in the Mickey basement somewhere. I love how depending on the quote the FB could be different for you stand the 'no one+

Ok I’m going to answer two asks in one here, because they’re kind of along the same vein: the flashback.

I still think we have the potential for a flashback. I agree wholeheartedly with the first anon that it doesn’t make sense why we haven’t gotten one yet. The first time, kind of. It served as a good cliffhanger and left the audience wanting to know more. But I was SURE we were going to get it last episode and we just… didn’t?

And the theory you sent in the ask is SPOT ON. Ricky FULLY checked outside the hall when Miss Jenn asked if he was happy. There was no reason too? It wasn’t like he was waiting for someone or revealing some big secret. In fact, the larger heavier part of the conversation happened before he checked the hallway. So it would have made sense for him to check at the beginning of the convo, not the middle, unless he was remembering something or checking for SOMEONE. I also think the timing of when Gina was in the dressing room crying was off. My theory is, EJ told Ricky to not go after Gina. Maybe ricky got some big idea in his head and told EJ and EJ stopped him because he didn’t want ricky to cause gina anymore hurt. I think he did this after he friendzoned gina out of hurt and gina overhead, so she was crying again when Nini found her. This would make sense with the “no one should tell you who you can and cannot have a second chance with” convo AND EJ’s over the top frustration with ricky this season. Yes, ej knew gina had feelings for ricky since season one so the walk in the woods thing might have set him a little on edge this season. But if he knew the same night he was supposed to go on a date with gina and kissed gina was the same night he stopped ricky from going after her? That makes his big reactions and side comments a little more understandable (not justified, just understandable).

I TOO feel like there was something really big missing from this episode. I remember exactly the night I was watching that episode in my room. I was laying in bed and EJ and Gina walked to go kiss and then all of the sudden the cast was singing. I remember PAUSING the episode to look at the time stamp and saying OUTLOUD to myself, “that’s it??” Because it seemed SO short. Not only was it cut for the song at the end, but I remember feeling like 2B went downhill writing wise. It felt like COVID had not only shortchanged the writing but the time put into the episodes. Like they didn’t have enough material so they just kept what they could. I reacted outloud because I was just that shocked. However, I am kicking myself a bit this season. I found that the writing in 2B wasn’t bad at all. In fact, there was just a lot we hadn’t seen yet. The stories, plots, dialogue… everything is starting to come full circle this season. Which leads me to believe that yes, 2x12 was cut short for a reason. I think there is a scene missing. If there isn’t, then that’s ok. Everything still ~mostly~ makes sense. But Ricky’s line to Jet felt WAY too intentional for it to just be that Jet hadn’t been at the school and seen Rina’s year of development. I think, like Kristoff and Sven, Ricky is going to open up to Jet once and for all and we will see the whole thing about what happened. And it would be a REALLY cool flashback if it also happened in or near the dressing room to parallel Gina’s.

And if this flashback happens, I think we’ll also get a confession about ricky bringing the chocolates. It could be in the same flashback. He could accidentally slip up and say, “I think I’ve liked her this whole time. When you brought her to the dance, when I brought her the chocolates- oh no. 😳” It could be really easy to slip that into the flashback as well.

TLDR: I think a flashback is still on the horizon and it could go a million different ways. I would REALLY like for it to parallel Gina’s somehow though. I think that would show reciprocated feelings in a more cinematic way. And while Jet doesn’t know AS much, I think this would be a good way to cement Ricky and Jet’s friendship (Kristoff and Sven) by him opening up about something that he’s kept buried for awhile. It did the same thing when Gina told Ashlyn her flashback.

[cosmiclatte28]

Single (Jeno x you)

a/n : i may forgot how to write (?) anyways this is a jeno piece I work quickly today for @neopalette

hope this is entertaining enough and to all dream stans out there this is for you :D 

setting is all dream members considered to be in the same age as you. 

enjoy!!

People have been pestering you with the same question, “Why are you still single?”

Well you cannot really answer them and say, “I don’t know why don’t you date me?” As much as you want to shut them up with those words, you knew it’ll only turn awkward.

Well to be honest, you've been asking yourself that. It's not that you're unattractive or unsocial. You're the total opposite! Cute, caring, and fun.

You have friends or a group of school's princes as your hang out friends. It's just a lucky coincidence. You're the childhood best friend of Jeno and that guy’s really like your brother (despite the same age you share). He always brings you to his outings and you slowly develop a good friendship with the boys.

What irks other people is that the fact you're in a position every girl is willing to die for. Standing on the side of the class, leaning to the wall while laughing with a circle of the most popular guys in the school.

Now their question is, why are the boys so attached to you and why are you not dating anyone of them? Well, first you do want to date anyone of them. Literally anyone because you feel so chill and relax around them. They make you feel save too! But what is this? Friendzone? Maybe. Or “I see you as my sister.”

One day as you walk through the hall with one of the boys, Jeno, both of you overheard a group of girls talking.

“I know right, there's no way she is not leeching over them. Did she use some magic? She's so usual like us why do they choose her?”

“You're right its either she pays them, or she buys them with money. She came from a quiet decent family. No way she is not crushing anyone there. If she does not, she's crazy.”

You try to ignore them, but your heart is sad. No, you do not “buy" your friendship. They even treat you more than you did to them.

Jeno heard them and apparently, he was riled up and he went to the group of girls who looked shocked but tried to act normal.

“Excuse me pretty girls,” he nicely greets them with his smile and friendly composition. You close your eyes, knowing this will just give you trouble.

They look struck by Jeno’s close presence and melt into his charm. “I am here to remind you, what you’re doing is making false rumor and that is not good. It doesn’t suit you.”

Jeno forces a deadly smile and turns his heels back to you when the girls nod their head like they heard him clear. Their eyes found yours and you already gulp down the heavy lump in your throat when they send you a death glare.

“What are you doing?” you question Jeno once he returns to your side and starts walking as if nothing happens.

“Just reminding some girls what they’re doing is not good.” He shrugs his shoulder “You should speak up you know. You’re a great listener to us and what they said were wrong, so you should speak up.”

You nod “I know, it’s hard Jeno. I’ll let them think of me that way, besides you guys know my real side, why do I have to bother them.”

That actually makes a little bit of sense according to you and Jeno, but when you meet the gang during lunch break and Jeno told them what happened, well the boys cannot keep it low.

“I’m not going to help them anymore.” Renjun scoffs when he hears the story.

“You should really speak up (y/n)! You’re our amazing friend and we cannot let them think of you this way.” Jisung chimes in, which is something rare.

You smile and laugh “Thanks guys, but this doesn’t sound like you at all. I am the one getting judged, why are you the confused one? Besides what bothers me is not that, but something else.”

“And what exactly is that?” Haechan suddenly pops into the discussion. He surprised all of you, well earlier Mark and him were called for a help in the teacher’s room, and you guys were sitting on the backyard (a rare meeting place) so it’s a surprise they found you.

“I cannot tell you now. I promise I’ll tell you once I am ready.” You fiddle with your uniform skirt.

“Okay, we won’t push you.” Jeno smiles at you and you thank the others as the bell of the last quarter rang.

--

You spend the last quarter lost in your own mind. You keep on questioning yourself, is it true you look like that in other people’s eyes. Of course they do not know what happened between you and the boys behind their back.

You listened to every single problem they have, they share it to you through messages at the middle of the nights. Each slowly opening up to you, showing their vulnerable sides. You never judge them, instead you comfort them by staying with them. Just listening and being there for them. They like you because of that and you never share their secrets to the other. It started with Jisung opening up to you, then Chenle, then the harder shells to read like Jaemin Jeno and Renjun. Mark and Hyuck also lately come to you for sharing sessions.

You know people do not have to know that to clap and give you recognitions, you did this out of empathy and care. Plus they make a good gang to play and have fun with. Having a friendship bond with boys is less dramatic and more fun.

You push a smile back to hide your own emotion and luckily they bought it when you say “Let’s not bother or mind what others think about me. As long as you know the real me, I am glad with it.”

--

“You should stop acting like you’re fine.” Your longest best friend says when both of you have parted ways with the others and walk side by side on the empty road.

You look at Jeno and he doesn’t have his friendly smile on. His face looks serious.

“I am fine, but I could probably use a boyfriend card to take care of me and make me finer.” You joke around a little bit. Teasing the boys about you wanting a boyfriend is always fun.

They always say no but they never cross the line because they are afraid that being in a relationship with you may cut the nice friendship if things go wrong (break ups!)

“You’re still questioning that?” Jeno sighs, you’ve been talking about this to him. You always code him that you want to know what it’s like to be in a relationship, but Jeno just says “You’ll regret the drama”. He did date a few girls but finally settle on being single until he is ready for commitments. You, on the other hand, are single from birth. You always befriend boys to the point where they’re too comfortable with you to see you in a romantic way.

“Well I always wonder why and where did I do wrong.” You shrug your shoulder

“I want to be in a relationship! I want to know what it’s like to  have someone take care of me, or me taking care of them. I want short goodnight and good morning texts. I want to walk with them home and maybe grab some bite along the way while we discuss small things. Oh and I want to just you know sit together, listen to a music from a shared earphone and act like we’re the main characters of a movie!” you have stars in your eyes and as Jeno stares into the sky, he notices the beautiful sunset.

“You’re being single for too long. I tell you, that did not always happen.” He mocks your ridiculous idea and playfully ruffles your hair “You read too much fantasies.”

“I never read them.” You glare at him and he nods “Now that explains why you also sound so clueless about relationship. Look, it’s not as simple as saying I love yous and holding hands in public. There’s more and as much as I hate to tell you this… I have to.” He pauses and you stop walking.

You look at him. Waiting for Jeno to continue “Look, you don’t need a boyfriend right now. You’re taking care of so many people and that’s great, but that is time consuming already. If you have a boyfriend, then you will pay more attention to them and counting the time you spend taking care of us, will make you neglect your life and study and fail school. Which is something I do not want to happen.”

Your eyebrow raise “Conclusion?”

“You don’t need a boyfriend, or at least right now you should focus on taking care of yourself. You did a lot to us, let us take care of you in return.” Jeno whispers, and deep inside his heart he adds “or maybe let me take care of you in a way you always wish to get. You don’t know how much I love you and seeing you want a boyfriend only pains me. Will I be ready to lose you?”

“Fine. It’s not like I can buy one from a store.” You start walking again and Jeno follows you.

“Silly idea, ignore that okay.” You feel shy about saying that to him, what will Jeno think of you? A creepy freak.

NO. IN JENO’S HEAD YOU LOOK SUPER CUTE. WANTING TO HAVE A BOYFIE, EVEN GOING INTO THE DETAILS.

“Alright, this is it, good bye and good night (y/n)” Jeno waves as you enter your porch and open the door. You look to the house right next to yours, separated just by a wall. Yes he is your neighbor.

“Good night Jeno! Thank you for accompanying me.” You disappear behind the door and continue your lonely life.

“Hey Jaehyun hyung-“ you greet your brother who is amazingly already homed already at this time.

“Oh hey, dinner is on the table.” He juts his chin to the dining table and your eyes fall to the set of plates.

“You’ve eaten?” you ask while washing your hands, getting ready to change and eat.

He nods “Boss was awful today, I got home quickly and was hungry. Sorry I left you to eat by yourself.”

“Any news about mom?” you ask when you’re back on the table ready to eat.

Jaehyun still sits in front of the TV, looks like he is having a bad day and is afraid of lashing emotions to you, thus he avoids you.

“She’s probably with that man again. No news.” He sounds bitter. Well, after father left mom also left to find another man. You were left alone with your brother, who has to work hard for you and him.

“Help me with some clothes will you?” Jaehyun asks when you’re done cleaning up and washing the dish. “We need to deliver the laundries to the neighbors.” Jaehyun stands up from his seat and goes back to you with a packed fresh clothes.

You and your brother run a small laundry services for the neighbors here. Well, your family left both of you with the house and utilities inside them, one of which is a laundry machine and a dryer. So for additional income you and Jaehyun did laundries.

“It’s by the end of the road, can you please drop this tomorrow morning? I am taking the one on the other side.” He shows you which packages should go where and with that you leave to your room.

You’re glad your father still pays for your tuition, but you have to keep your scholarship going or you’ll be in trouble. Right as you finish studying and doing your papers, your phone vibrates and Jeno’s name appear.

“Good night (y/n), sweet dreams!”

You glance to the window and look into the window across yours, it’s Jeno’s room and you can see his silhouette sitting on his desk probably still gaming. You smile a little and text him back and the next thing you see is his room going dark. Oh he really is sleeping!

You set your alarm and also take the long awaited sleep you needed.

--

“Good morning (y/n) oh and Jaehyun hyung!” Jeno greets you and Jaehyun on the front of your house. Jaehyun’s locking the door and taking his bike to work.

“Morning Jeno.” You feel happier with this kind of small acts. It’s not new, but something about his smile and genuine happiness is making you energized.

“Don’t forget to drop the laundry.” Jaehyun said after hugging you goodbye.

You don’t forget. With Jeno on your side, you walk to the house on the edge and knock on their door to deliver the package and receive the money. It’s nothing big, but definitely enough to buy you lunch and safe some for the piggy bank.

“Still running the laundry business eh?” he looks surprised, guess you usually deliver them not in the morning or he’d known already.

“Yes, usually I send them near evening, but today is special. Imagine if the school finds out I am doing this, maybe they’ll stop saying I bought my friendship, right?” you try to liven up the mood but Jeno is in pain.

“Let’s just enjoy the day!” Jeno boldly hugs your shoulder from the side and drags you with him into the school.

“Woah what’s with the sudden closeness??” Jaemin interrogates once he saw you and Jeno entering the school in an uncommon way, which is Jeno bringing your bag and having you on his back.

“She fell on the way here, and I guess she has to check her ankles and clean her wound.” Jeno shuffles you up on  his back and you hide your face from the stares.

“Oh hurry then! I’ll help with the bags. Leave it here, Renjun can help me.” Jaemin takes over your stuffs and Jeno makes a run to the nurse office. There is still no one on duty, but he knows basic help.

He washes the blood carefully and puts disinfectant to your scrap, you almost kick him but his reflects are quick.

“I think your ankle is swelling. I am no professional but that is not normal.” He points to your ankle and right, its not.

“Do you want me to stay here? We can skip the first quarter and wait until you feel better. You fell hard earlier, did you black out?” Jeno sounds worried. Well he remembered how you suddenly wobble, lose balance and fell before Jeno could catch you.

“Forgot breakfast I guess.” You bite your lips and Jeno in a dash of an eye has fled from the room and return with a pack of milk and sandwich.

“Eat, or you’ll faint again.” He gently opens the wrapper for you and like his promise stays with you there.

“Want to listen to this?” he suddenly hands you one earphone piece and you pick it up carelessly. Not realizing that Jeno has been doing the things you wish to receive from a man.

“Nice song,” you comment as you focus with your left ear to the music playing. You don’t feel anything weird until break time comes and Renjun surprises both of you.

“Oh sorry for disturbing! I was just going to check on you but I guess I came in the wrong time.” He chuckles nervously and disappears before you can call him and say nothing is happening.

That’s when you lock eyes with Jeno, one piece of earphone connecting both of your ear and he was near to you. Oh now you understand.

“He thought we were in a moment?” you giggle

Jeno smiles, he loves seeing you this happy. He laughs too and brushes your hair away “This is it right? Something you want to experience. Getting taken care of, doing cheesy things like this.” He teases you

Realization hits you late and you laugh until a tear escapes your eye “You’re right! This… oh gosh! Jeno are you trying to let me feel this sensation?”

“What sensation?” his heart suddenly beats faster.

“Like I am treasured and getting taken care of? I feel loved??” you sound so happy and that makes Jeno both happy and sad. Happy to see your genuine laugh and sad why hasn’t he noticed this sooner.

“You deserve this (y/n), and I am stupid for not realizing this sooner.” He holds your hand and gives it a gentle squeeze.

You suddenly feel butterflies in your stomach, Jeno’s close body doesn’t help your heart beat slower and the music playing in your ear is no longer clear. You can only hear your heart beating faster and your eyes are only locked inside Jeno’s deep warm eyes. Why did you not notice this? His eyes are warm and comfortable. You never want to cut this moment.

“I’m going to break the rules, why don’t we try to step further like more than friends?” he turns red and you are sure your cheeks are also red.

“Guess we can try and see where it leads us to,” you sing song give him the green light.

“Okay then, from now on, don’t be surprised if I change into your dreamy boyfriend type.” He winks and you laugh. Life’s great and you’re happy whenever you are with Jeno.

Maybe you both did not realize that life brought you together for a long time not just to be friends but something more.

That something, is going to be decided when both of you are ready to find out!

For now, you’re glad that Jeno took the first step into getting to know you as more than friends, and you are more than ready to share what you’re dealing with to Jeno.

  end

[izzabeean]

Chapter 9 : Anticipation

SUMMARY

Ushijima makes an appearance at your group outing, and you try to ignore his presence. But, of course, it’s easier said than done in this case.

pairing : ushjima x f!reader / oikawa x f!reader / iwaizumi x f!reader

genre : angst + fluff

word count : 3,344

content : profanity, mild violence, depiction of injuries

tags :  alternate universe - college/university, post-break up, friends to lovers, pining, slow burn

a/n : Is the world so small that Y/N keeps running into Ushijima? Perhaps in this story, yes. This week has been a bit slow creatively for me, I don't feel my writing is the strongest in this chapter. But here we are, things are heating up and I'm happy to provide.

Post Thursday evenings PST, if not latest by Friday.

masterlist

<< prev |  ch . 9 | next >>

Everything feels so surreal as you lock eyes with Ushijima from across the table. He doesn’t smile or say anything, he just looks at you with his empty gaze like this is the first time meeting. Ever. Your heartbeat starts to thump faster conjuring up a lump in your throat that cannot be swallowed. Your breathing is shallow and your hands start to sweat as you dig your nails into your legs.

Why didn’t you turn around when your instincts told you to?

Why did you talk yourself into thinking this was a good idea?

However, for some reason, here you are. The sequence of events leading up to this point doesn’t make any sense. Even when you were dating, you wouldn’t run into him this much, so why now? Why all these dumb coincidences? There’s no room for you to heal when you keep seeing him like this.

“Hi,” you squeal, temporarily incapacitated by the confused looks from your other groupmates.

But your high pitch voice produces shockwaves through Oikawa’s system as you quickly introduce him and Iwaizumi to which Sara introduces Ushijima to all three of you. Then it becomes apparent that Ushijima hasn't said anything to Sara about you.

It’s sublime how quickly you push down the devastation bubbling at the surface and you wonder how it is even possible for you to force a smile in Sara’s direction. Clearing your throat you take a seat. Ushijima has stopped staring now and takes a swig of the chilled beer sitting in front of him. Your mouth feels dry from the nerves that are trying to drag your spirits down. If you were going to survive this torture, you’re most definitely not going to be sober. Grabbing the waiter's attention, you order yourself a beer as you feel yourself on the brink of a heart attack.

“You ok?” Oikawa mumbles knowing well that turning to your least favorite drink is a bad sign. It’s very clear to him this evening isn't going to go very well, seeing as you are already on edge from Ushijima’s surprise appearance.

“Mhm,” you hum shooting him a smile. “I’m fine. Totally chill.”

“You know, we can leave,” Oikawa whispers. “You’re not obligated to be here.”

And let him win? you think. I don’t think so.

“No, I’m fine,” you lie, biting your lip. It’s no time for you to concede, you just gotta ride this one out, show him how much better you’re doing without him. It’s the only thing to get back at him for everything so grossly unforgivable that he’s done.

The waiter returns with your drink placing it down in front of you. Nothing has looked so relieving and thirst-quenching before; the cold and crisp-looking glass filled to the top of light amber liquid with a dollop of airy foam. You pick it up and throw it back, chugging the heavy and sour alcohol. Then you think, maybe you shouldn’t have done that as you strike the glass down on the table. Licking your lips, you notice the startled looks everyone gives you at your uncharacteristic action.

“Should we order food,” Sara interrupts the weird tension which segues everyone back to talking amongst themselves.

Your stomach starts to swirl as you’ve come to realize that drinking that beer was probably the worst thing you could do while it’s empty. But as you study the menu, nothing seems to scream appetizing. Not when you can see in your peripheral Ushijima and Sara sharing a menu while discussing what they want to order. It makes you sick.

The restaurant is loud, but your thoughts are louder as you sit there wondering if anyone else can hear them. It hurts to see him here in front of you beside her. She most definitely doesn’t know about your history with Ushijima just by the way she’s acting around him. Sara doesn’t seem maniacal enough to do something so disrespectful to someone she barely knows. For god's sake, she invited you here. Why would she want you here if she knew? To rub it in that she’s Ushijima’s girlfriend. Doubtful.

Maybe Oikawa was right all along about Ushijima not being how you perceived him to be. Maybe, just maybe you honestly, you were blinded the entire time. And now you were finally seeing him for who he truly is.

You were scared to admit it. That if you did, your year together means nothing when it still meant so much to you. But in this case, actions speak louder than words and most definitely Ushijima’s actions are very clear.

“I'm going to step out for a smoke. Do you need some fresh air?” Iwaizumi asks, snapping you out of your thoughts.

“Oh,” you reply looking at Oikawa sitting beside you who's chatting with one of your group members. "No, I better not."

"Alright, I'll be right back," he says sliding out of his seat.

You try to hide your face behind the menu so no one talks to you and your plan almost succeeded except for the open opportunity it gave Sara to sit beside you. Your face pales as she leans in to rasp, "I'm glad you could make it."

"Yeah," you exclaim a bit put off by how close she is.

"I honestly thought you weren't going to show."

It's hard for you to not flash a bitter smile, but you force yourself to continue the conversation, "It took some convincing but bringing Oikawa and Iwaizumi helped."

The silence stretches between the two of you as Oikawa's laugh fills the air. You take a glimpse at him, noticing one of your group members flirting with him. You roll your eyes while looking back at Sara who is enthralled in his aura.

"He seems really nice,” she compliments. "How long have you two been together?"

"Hmm?" It takes you a moment to realize what she’s asking as you realize she's subtly gesturing to Oikawa. And when it clicks you are filled with laughter. “Oh my god, did you just say that out loud?”

The thought of you and Oikawa remotely appearing to look more than friends from an external perspective makes you nearly piss yourself.

"Oh, I just thought, you'd both make a cute couple," she corrects herself with puzzlement written across her face.

When you realize she’s being serious, you pause. “No, we’ve just been friends for a while.”

"Oooh," Sara taunts giving you a very mischievous look. "You know that saying, love is friendship set on fire."

"It's not like that," you nervously chuckle at her comment.

"Alright, I won't pry," she jokes. "But seriously, I'm happy you're here!"

She gets up from her seat and walks back over to sit next to Ushijima. Your feelings are honestly a bit mixed from that conversation. You really wanted to hate her, but she just seemed so genuine.

------

You’re a couple more drinks in and feel a bit of a buzz as Sara goes into grave detail as to why she transferred to the university now . But you can’t force yourself to listen. Your attention shifts to Ushijima smiling softly at the way Sara bubbles with warmth. It’s funny to think that someone else can make him smile like that besides you because you know how hard it is to do so. But it seems so effortless for Sara.

The memory of meeting Ushijima for the first time flashes in your head. To the time in the library where he reaches over your head to grab the book, you were trying to get on the top shelf. Now you can barely remember as the image of Sara takes your place to retrieve the book from Ushijima's hands. She's the new you.

You know you're overanalyzing every single movement Ushijima makes. From where his eyes linger to where his hands are placed, you cannot stop looking as you stay in suspense to what he will do next. You’re close to being consumed by the sudden urge to lash out or cry. It feels like he’s trying to push your buttons as he leans over toward Sara. You're waiting for him to kiss her. Waiting for it to break you. And it makes you sick.

Suddenly you feel a hand on your knee and turn to Iwaizumi who is looking down at you with a soft gaze. It’s odd but you somehow feel this tension between the two of you. You should have known better in that moment, but your mind feels a bit hazy from feeling vulnerable and also the alcohol.

“Is everything ok?”

You feel anticipation fill your chest and you swallow thickly seeing as this is the closest you’ve ever been to him. You look at his hand for a moment, at his long fingers gently grip the top of your knee. You immediately remind yourself of his words the other day, wondering if he intended to friendzone you like that.

You nod, smiling.

“Let me know when you want to leave,” Iwaizumi whispers squeezing your leg.

His face dips down slightly and you don’t know why you do it and don’t know how you had the courage to. But you’re so caught up in your internal frustrations, you don’t think before you act. You lean in closer to Iwaizumi and plant a kiss on his cheek uttering a thank you.

As you pull back, his eyes widen. It takes you a second to process exactly what you’ve done.

“Um, sorry,” you say to Iwaizumi, you need to get out of there before you die of embarrassment. Quickly you excuse yourself from the table as you rush to the bathroom and you can still feel Iwaizumi watching you.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

But you find the bathrooms have a long line up and turn a corner as you burst through a door to outside. The cool air hits you making it much easier to breathe. Finally, you’re by yourself. Screaming wouldn’t even be able to help you let out the confusion you feel. This was definitely something you didn’t want to have happened. But here you are regretting your capacity to understand a situation. Honestly, you were definitely feeling vulnerable. This entire evening you were caught off guard and something it makes you do weird things.

“Can we talk?

Turning around, you see Ushijima standing in front of you. He gazes down at you with his unreadable stare that makes you want to cry.

“No,” you say a little unnerved walking away from him. But you’re stopped by him grabbing your wrist, the same wrist the creep outside the club grabbed you with. Still a bit bruised and weak from his grip. You let out a yelp, “Let go of me!”

“Just let me explain,” he begs.

But you’re not listening as you try to wiggle your wrist away-- it’s not a tight hold, but it’s enough that it still hurts.

“Please, let me go,” you express firmly.

He stares at you for a moment and with a deep breath exhales letting go.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” you yell, grabbing your wrist. “Moved on already, what the fuck is your problem?”

“It’s not--”

“No, let me finish. You’ve already done enough. I can’t believe you. You could’ve just told me you found someone else, instead, I see you with her all cute and cuddly and now I have to fucking work with her? This is such a--”

But as you’re about to continue your rant, you’re interrupted by a voice.

“What’s going on here?” Oikawa asks, noticing Ushijima standing before you. He studies your face filled with rage while you’re clutching your wrist. “Did you hurt her?”

“What?” Ushijima replies confused.

Then Oikawa’s eyes turn dark, a look you’ve never seen before. And you never imagined what comes next. He grabs a fist full of Ushijima’s shirt pulling him close enough that they were inches apart, barely touching noses. You had to stop them before it went too far but you couldn’t move your body.

“After all you’ve been through this is how you treat her?” Oikawa yells.

“You don’t even know the whole story,” Ushijima booms, forcibly removing Oikawa’s grip from his shirt causing Oikawa to make an aching face.

“I know enough to see that you’re a complete dick. But we both know, I’ve known that from the start,” Oikawa hisses. His eyes are fixed on Ushijima shooting him a scowl while your hand is clasped to your shirt.

“Stop it,” you say, but they both ignore you.

“I think you need to get your facts straight,” Ushijima says staying calm and collected while Oikawa explodes with rage.

“Why don't act more like a man,” Oikawa protests.

Then time moves so quick you couldn’t even see Oikawa raise his fist to hit Ushijima square in the face. Because not even seconds after Ushijima retaliates. You rush over forcing yourself between the two men before a fight breaks, pushing your hands against their chest yelling at them to stop. Ushijima is the first to back away as Oikawa stays resistant trying to push by you. But you take both your hands and press them against him as Ushijima exits back into the restaurant.

"Why are you trying to protect him?" Oikawa cries. You look up at Oikawa whose face is glistening in the moonlight as his cheek starts to swell. His dark eyes lock on you as yours start to glaze over.

"Are you stupid? He could've really hurt you," you wail, trying to hide the fact you're physically shaking.

And he sees it.

"Don't ever do that again," you barked.

Then he gives you his signature shit-eating grin, a look that is nowhere near appropriate from just getting punched in the face.

“Told you he’s a dick,” he smirks, walking towards the front of the restaurant. “Let’s go home.”

“What about Iwaizumi?”

“He’ll take care of things,” Oikawa mutters. “He’ll meet us at home. Let’s go before that blockhead comes back out.”

------

Oikawa called a cab to get back to his apartment, you felt a bit bad for leaving Iwaizumi behind. Especially since you kissed him then left.

Things seemed to grow incredibly awkward between you and Oikawa as he sat in the bathroom cleaning the cut on his cheek from Ushijima’s punch. You weren’t really sure what Oikawa was thinking, but you didn’t really want to ask.  As you gently press the cotton pad to his cheek, he squints his eyes while the burning sensation shocks him and exhales sharply through his nose.

“Sorry,” you mumble and he immediately forgives you with a smile.

He tries to pin his eyes to something that can distract the sting, but instead focuses his attention on the feel of your fingers against his skin. You’ve never been this close before and he wonders if you can hear how fast his heart is beating.

He’s thankful for your patience with him. Most certainly did he think you were going to be pissed, but your reaction was far from what he expected as you kept silent for most of the trip home and even patching him up. Oikawa looks at you to see your frown had deepened. “Are you mad? You look mad.”

You scoff. “No, I’m just tired.” You’re caught off guard by his uncharacteristic concern and almost recoil with the question.

Oikawa sighs, “Your face is screwed up like you’re mad.”

“Tōru,” you scolded, crossing your arm across your chest. You choke on your words before answering, “I’m tired, not mad.”

Oikawa holds his breath and continues to look at you as you continue to make that sullen look. He doesn’t believe you. The sight of you with defeat in your expression makes his heart break. He notices your bruised wrist, still purple and blue, and imagines it probably hurts after Ushijima grabbed it. Then he wonders if he could have done something better to help you in that situation. Even that night back at the club still haunts him. If only he’d answered his phone when you needed him the most then maybe things would be different than now. He can’t stand it. He can't stand that Iwaizumi was there to help you instead. And he's not stupid, he knows you like Iwaizumi. He wasn't blind when he saw you kiss him at the restaurant. Oikawa didn’t know why, but something stirred him that he never realized before and it became very unsettling.

You lay the gauze over the wound and tape it down.

“How’s your hand?” you mumble, checking if the ice pack he’s holding to his fist has subsided any bruising your swelling. The bruising was already darker by the time you got to his apartment and it definitely terrified you.

“It’s fine,” he replies.

At this point, you’ve turned away and started to clean up. There isn’t a lot of blood, but enough to make shivers go down your spine as the image of Ushijima’s fist colliding with Oikawa’s face flashes through your head.

You feel your breathing heave as you try to collect yourself from breaking down in front of Oikawa. But something stops you. Instead of your usual hiding, you feel yourself let go and come undone. One small tear rolls down your cheek.

And then another. And then another. And then another. Until you can’t urge yourself to stop them anymore.

Oikawa freezes as he hears you sniffling. This time you don’t hide behind your wide smile. This time you’re actually crying and honestly he doesn’t know what to do. His intention wasn’t to make you cry, he wanted to protect you. And now he feels guilty for even putting you in this position.

“I’m sorry,” you pant, your voice broken by stifled breaths. “It’s all my fault you got hurt. I should’ve never gone to that stupid dinner.”

There’s this nagging feeling in his head pleading to comfort you. To hug you, to tell you it’s not your fault. His consciousness is screaming at him to do something to help as he watched you come undone in front of him. But why is he so afraid to?

“You were right, you’ve always been right,” you continue. “I’m so so sorry Tōru.”

You pause wiping the tears away that tracked down your face feeling awkward from exposing your vulnerable side to Oikawa. Tearing your eyes away from the first aid kit, you turn to look at Oikawa. There’s pity written all over his face. Your hands curl into fists.

It’s painfully tense as Oikawa attempts to muster up the courage to stand up to comfort you. He doesn’t want to regret his decision but he still hesitates, considering you’re now gazing at him.

“I-- I just,” you stutter, partially because you want to fill the awkward silence someway, and partially because you’re worried you’ve scared him. “I was scared…”

You stare at him.

He stares back.

Your heart feels like it’s in throbbing pain under Oikawa’s gaze.

His stomach clenches as you revert to silence.

Suddenly you hear the front door unlock and Iwaizumi call out that he's arrived. You feel your face burn up as you revert eye contact and lean on the counter to see Iwaizumi in the doorway of the bathroom.

“What the fuck happened,” he yells, visibly unamused that you both ditched him at a restaurant with people he didn’t know. You look at him with glazed eyes unable to utter a single word then that’s when he notices Oikawa’s appearance. “Shit.”

Oikawa’s face turns in a smirk. “You should have seen the other guy.”

“I did!” He protests. “Not even a scratch compared to you. You’re fucking stupid.”

"He hurt Y/N," Oikawa protest.

Iwaizumi's eyes widened looking towards you.

"He didn't hurt me," you reassure. "He just grabbed my bruised wrist."

Iwaizumi sighs, shaking his head. "You have to stop running off like that."

Oikawa watches the intimate interaction of indescribable energy or chemistry that lingers in the air between the two of you. He didn’t like it. Not even one bit.

[cuddlingpudding]

Ashes of Love - thoughts so far (up to ep. 22)

Sooo I started watching Ashes of Love a little while ago since it’s quite popular and has Deng Lun in it. I really loved him (and his ears) in the movie ‘The Yin-Yang Master: Dream of Eternity’ and was a major reason I decided on this show to watch next. If you want to talk about this show with me, feel free to send me a message! <3

Here are a few random thoughts and feelings I have so far:

- Xu Feng and Jin Mi are two idiots (especially Jin Mi for plot reasons) but they're MY idiots, y'know? I totally ship them.

- If you’re a major Run Yu/Night Immortal fan, you might want to stop reading this. But yeah… he’s making me increasingly feel uneasy. I liked him in the first couple of episodes, especially once I saw how kind he was despite being treated like dirt, but then he started to exhibit some (truly unintentional at first) toxic behavior towards Jin Mi and what I cannot help but call gaslighting. And a few episodes ago, when he was watching Xu Feng and Jin Mi in the Human World through the portal thing, he had this really cold expression on his face that makes me think he’s going to snap soon. He’s definitely going to be a villain.

- Last thought about Run Yu: he KNEW that Jin Mi only meant she liked him as a friend when she said that she likes him, but he deliberately manipulated her into saying that in front of her dad so that HE would think Jin Mi is actually in love with Run Yu and wants to marry him. Yep, I’m definitely not rooting for him. I’m Team Idiots.

- Last last thought about Run Yu (well, his actor): I just recently found out that he is one of the leads of upcoming BL drama Immortality 👀👀 I’m not mad about that, not gonna lie. IF this drama will ever see the light of day of course after all the recent restrictions in China. Fingers crossed 🤞🏻

- I hate the Heavenly Emperor and Empress with a burning passion and cannot comprehend how someone like Xu Feng can share their genes.

- The dream deer thingy is really cute. Bad CGI, but cute. Also, this screenshot from when Jin Mi and Run Yu first met, which was actually a very cute scene. *insert Tyra Banks’ “We were all rooting for you” meme*

- I’m really enjoying this arc in the Human World so far! Basically, they were sort of reincarnated into the HW for a while until they can get back to their old lives as Immortals. Jin Mi actually has a clue now and Xu Feng is being even more of an adorable idiot now them before. And they still are so drawn to each other. <3

- I’m really curious to see whether Jin Mi will significantly change once she is finally able to feel romantic love. 🤔

- More Demon Princess pleaseeeee. I’m hoping that Run Yu will fall for her instead of Jin Mi, but that’s not going to happen of course. I will ship them anyway for no reason. 🤡 There is also Kuang Lu with her big crush on Run Yu (he was really rude to her when she showed him her beautiful red outfit 😤), but he had no eyes for her and never will, probably.

- Also, after watching so many BL Chinese dramas, I’m Shooketh at all the kissing and innuendos we’re getting in this show, as tame as these moments actually are.

- I kinda feel bad for Sui He for being friendzoned by Xu Feng, but then I remember they're cousins and the feeling ebbs away. (I’m a huge hypocrite though since I DO ship Prince Jingyan and Lin Shu from Nirvana in Fire who are also cousins… But they actually do have a strong bond and are very shippable regardless, so idk.)

Conclusion: Yep, I like this drama. It’s cute, funny, lighthearted with enough drama and fight scenes. I can see where the Xu Feng/Jin Mi/Run Yu love triangle is going, and I just wish they could all just live peacefully together. But then where would the drama be?!

Again: shoot me a message if you want to talk/yell about Ashes of Love! (Or about The Untamed, Word of Honor, Nirvana in Fire or The Disguised 😏)

[suepixels]

84 | LOSS

Nero POV All I could think was this Carpathia Witch. As soon he mentioned her name, I could feel how my body got tense. After all, we are not together. Why does it hurt so bad? 

Relief was the feeling I felt after she broke up with him. I knew they were in love with each other. His talk convinced me of how deeply their love must have been. Clearly, she feared my presence and, above all, my return to Moonlite Falls. 

However, I never met the young Carpathia witch. For a good reason, I despise her coven. Her ancestors deprived me of the ones I loved who once belonged to my life, my other siblings. But Levi and Ailey found each other while I was gone. I felt deceived, although one cannot control love. A Carpathia, of all people, just why? 

Secretly I was hoping that it would not last. During my absence, however, we kept in touch. My hope turned into reality. Ailey did what I thought would happen. She broke his heart. Levi begged me to return, knowing he needed me. However, I could not return until I finished my research. Incapable of imagining that the answer to the question I was seeking would be true, I still sought for it. Despite that, I needed proof to confirm it. I was chasing a dream of vague hope.

It seems that Levi gave up on me. But what did I expect? It had to happen sometime. Or did I not want to admit it to myself? Is it true what Lilith said? Should I let him go? I have no right to stop him from loving. He can love so unconditionally. I guess that's why I can't bear the thought of sharing his love with someone else but me. Selfish? Yes! His love is the purest one I know. Will he love me now less? Maybe I just have to accept his wish? Let him, love. Or I’m going to lose him forever.

Do I need to worry at all? It will only take one lifetime until this witch dies. I can wait, right? He wouldn't turn a witch into a vampire, would he? He wouldn't. I wonder. How promising would it be to have such a deep relationship with Avea? Will we fall in love with each other at all? What if she finds out about her past? What if I turn her into a vampire? In case my dream comes true? I would need her, but I need him just as much. 

By the time I got back, I was hoping Levi and I could figure out if we could pick up where we left off. Avea wasn't a part of my plan since I was hoping I was just chasing an illusion. But now that the dream is within my reach, hope is growing. It was just a little sweet kiss before I left him.  I had hope that my dream was utopian.

I highly value Levi's loyalty. He is probably more loyal than I ever was. I mean, he cared about Avea's safety, and he did it for me. But what did I do for him? I should let him love who ever he desires to love.

 A lot has changed. My return made Levi happy, and I had to friendzone him again. We did not talk about that kiss and Levi knew it was just an illusion. Giving up Levi for my dream is breaking my heart. I love him. Can I dare to hope he will understand? He is happy, he says. He deserves it, but somehow I feel a loss? I am not part of his happiness. Damn! What am I supposed to do?

Something just broke...

Nero clenches his left hand into a fist and slams his right one it into the wall. Dejected, he looks aimlessly down to the floor. But his pain remains, and Nero makes his way to Lilith. Therefore he does the best he can when it comes to Levi, suppress his feelings!

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@exzentra Your poses work also great for my puprose 😏❤️