#she wanted someone else to feel her pain so she wasnt alone in it

[master-missysversion]

The doctor meeting Gat and immediately telling her that Gallifrey would be destroyed in the future was kinda unhinged. I kinda love it. "You are only serving at the glory of bone and ash" she's crazy

"Misery loves company" on an extreme level

[imwetforyourmom]

not her

pt5

warnings: swearing, am*lia mentioned, shits about to go down, truth being told, hella angst, comparing, poc!reader friendly, am*lia humbling matt

taglist

a/n: the amount of HATE am*lia has received since last chap and bound to receive more ☹️

PREVIOUS CHAPTER ~~~ NEXT CHAPTER

(not proofread)

~

“she what?”

(same day matt and amelia fucked, but for y/ns pov)

y/ns knees curled into her chest, her cold tears streaming down her face, pricking her skin with the not so gentle reminder that this all actually happened, that that all really went down, that her boyfriend left her for some fuckin ed sheeran lookin asshole.

her chest felt like it was going to collapse, she couldnt breathe. it physically pained her to breathe in, and breathe out. despite needing to, she just couldnt.

she couldnt find it in herself to pick herself up from this dirty ass floor, or to go after matt and beg him to stay, or to at least, at the most, stop crying over a trashy man.

y/n knew she didnt derserve this, she knew she was better than crying on a dirty, dusty floor over a boy—that she dated for two years, she knew that she was and deserved so much better than what state matt left her as, looking as if he had no remorse, gave no fucks about her or this relationship he flushed down the drain so easily.

a sob ripped from her throat, pulling her from her overwhelming thoughts and back to what her insides felt, her stomach curled and twisted uncomfortably, her head pounded with an ache she wouldnt wish on anyone, she was in so much physical pain, yet all she could focus on was matt and how she’d live live without her boyfriend being by her side—how different could it be? he wasnt by her side ever since he laid eyes on amelia, it’d just be like another normal day.. just with a great amount of pressure on her shoulders and an overwhelming urge to cry.

y/n smooshed her face between her knees, letting her loud sobs to be loud in the muffled encasing of her knees and thighs, without being paranoid someone would walk in and find her bawling on the floor.

her heart hurt to pump the blood it needed inside her body, it hurt to use the sole purpose of her lungs, it hurt to open and close her eyes as they swelled with tears, it hurt her head to even think, all she wanted to think about was anything but matt, but all she could think about was matt, why couldnt it be amelia? why couldnt y/n be mad at amelia? amelia did everything wrong, she ruined everything,

but she didnt, matt had the choice to ignore amelia, he had the choice to tell her to ‘fuck off’, to push her aside and keep his focus on y/n, yet he didnt. he chose amelia, of course he chose amelia, why else wouldnt he? she was pretty. she had everything y/n didnt, she had pretty green eyes compared to the ugly, dark brown eyes of y/ns, amelia had a nice smile, compared to y/ns crooked teeth and strange upward of her cheeks.

y/n wasnt her, she never would be.

~

y/n had finally found the willpower to pick herself up from the floor after hours of just sitting there, her cries eventually stopped and dried on her cheeks, leaving an icky feeling on her face.

she dragged her feet against the cement of the floors, her face pale and eyes bloodshot, sure to concern anyone who’d seen her.

she attempted to cheer herself up by listening to SZA her entire drive home—as much as she wished it worked, it didnt really help much.

her thoughts became too loud for the music to even be placed, there was no way of escaping this, she was gonna be locked in the entrapments of her own mind for until she could breathe freely again.

the second her car was parked in her driveway she was already out of her car and walking up the stairs of her porch, she took her shoes off and went upstairs, without a word to her parents and siblings, leaving them confused in the kitchen.

once out of their sight, the girl began running to her room, desperate to be alone in a comforting, safe haven where she knew nothing bad would happen to her.

she plopped down onto her bed, curling into a ball to comfort herself. her eyes too used to even begin crying again, so she just sat there in silence, with only the loud screaming in her mind, the screams of matt and fucking amelia, creating a noise. it was so loud she couldnt stand it. she just wanted to sleep, sleep this entire nightmare away.

sleep sounded like the only escape she could figure of her mind, it was the only thing she wanted right now, at least thats what she’d like to believe, she just wanted matt back, she wanted to hold him again, be able to talk without begging and to just be his girlfriend again, what was so wrong with that?

in her best attempt of falling asleep, she shut her eyes and forced herself to atleast quiet her mind some, as much as she possibly could, which wasnt much at all, but it was still something.

slowly, the forcement of her eyes closed began to become naturual and her mind quieted, her breathing and heartbeat steadied.

~

*morning after*

amelia rolled over, her eyes slowly opening to adjust to the sun beaming in through matts window. with her moving she’d woken up matt, in to which, he grunted and looked over at her.

with his still half asleep mind, he’d been expecting y/n, but once his eyes had taken her in and seen red hair, many, many prominent freckles and green eyes—to say the least, he was so shocked and confused his mouth opened before his brain could comprehend anything.

“what the fuck?”

amelia’s eyes widened and her lips parted, “what?” she asked, there was no doubt that she wasnt the tiniest bit hurt about his reaction to seeing her.

matt blinked multiple times, his own best attempt at gaining his vision back and waking up a little.

“fuck, amelia, im sorry, I just- I wasnt expecting to see you, I got scared, sorry.” he mumbled, his hand awkwardly going to the back of his neck, scratching it and avoiding eye contact.

truth was, he really just wasnt expecting to see bright orange hair as soon as he woke up, talk about a jumpscare.

“its fine, matt, dont worry.” she replied, her eyes trailed across his features, admiring how naturally pretty he was.

her hand traveled up to cup his jaw, “you’re really pretty, matt.” she whispered, tilting his face back so he could make eye contact with her.

despite the butterflies fluttering in matts stomach, his mind was still on last night, not the god awful sex, but instead what he thought about.

he just- he couldnt believe he’d really dumped y/n for amelia so easily, he left the janitors closet and before he knew it, he was balls deep in some other girl. how did he possibly fuck someone else only after a few hours of breaking up with y/n? was he a slut, manwhore or didnt care? we’ll never know.

it was unbelievable, he couldnt believe his own actions. how the hell did he do that with his own free will? he knows himself better than that, he’d never do it, he just didnt understand why he did it.

“matt?” amelia’s voice broke his thoughts, her tone was confused, but also like she was ready to say something more.

he subtly moved away from her hand and rolled off the bed, standing up and walking over to his closet.

“yeah?” he answered shortly after.

“do you think we could go on a date?- today?” she asked timidly, she sat up and looked at him, awaiting his response.

matts heart thumped from his chest, beating harder with each breath in his lungs.

“w- what?” he asked, his voice breathy in shock. theres no way amelia just asked him that.

amelia gulped, looking down at the bed in humiliation, a dark red blush covered her cheeks and her fingers fidgeted with one another.

“I- I mean- um, amelia, we’ve- I thought last night was a simple hookup?” his hand ran through his hair nervously, unsure of what to feel in this moment. he liked amelia, he really did, but he wasnt sure if he was ready to be in a relationship with her quite yet, or anything past friends—last night was an accident, or so he’d like to think.

“no! yeah! um, it can be just- a, just a hook up, yeah, thats fine.” she replied awkwardly, trying to persuade herself that she wasnt on the verge of tears.

“how about we just hangout with my brothers and madi today, yeah?” matt attempted to save the awkwardness, but he failed miserably, probably worsening the situation.

amelia swallowed, her throat dry and her mind unforgiving, fuck it was all so awkward, this was definitely the most awkward thing she’d ever expierenced before and probably ever will.

she nodded, still avoiding eye contact with matt, too ashamed to even look up at matt when she got off the bed.

her movements paused, a sudden anger bubbling in her stomach.

her head whipped up to look at matt, her face redder than normal with anger. “what the fuck matt!” she exclaimed, her tone filled with disbelief.

matt took his turn of his own confusion on his face, “what?” he asked quietly, feeling small under her gaze with her sudden outburst.

“you fuck me dumb and then say no date, just a hookup? are you that fucking desperate?” she snapped, her words holding a bite to them. they were very clearly directed to matt and y/n.

matt went to open his mouth and speak, but amelia cut him off. “you breakup with your girlfriend and then fucking come to me? what the hell matt. you’re so fucking unbelievable.” she scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest before continuing, “so fuckin depserate to have your dick wet, huh?”

matts shoulders dropped—aswell as his jaw. kid was in shock. he was just called desperate. him? desperate? he wasnt desperate, he could never be desperate. amelia just so happened to be wearing revealing clothes and leading him on, what was he supposed to do?

“pick ya fucking jaw up from the floor matt. open your eyes! you just fucking dumped your girlfriend, then fucked another girl. do- did you even truly care about her?” she exasperated, she wasnt even mad at the y/n thing, she was more so mad that he fucked her, but then said no to a date.

“matt, what the hell is wrong with you? why would you fuck me just to say no to a date? are you some sort of fuckboy?” matts air left his lungs at this, his face dropped and his heart dropped to his ass.

was he actually a fuckboy? he couldnt be.

“im tired of you and your shit, im leaving, I guess ill fucking meet up with your brothers and madi—not for you, but to see my friends.” she gave him one last glance before grabbing her phone and exiting the room, she was so mad matt could feel it radiating off her.

once matt felt the disgusting presence of her leave the room, he shut the door and took in a breath, finally a fresh and free breath. a breath he felt was finally like a bird being freed from its cage, he felt free, despite only spending a night with that red-headed bastard he was already sick of her.

he wasnt actually gonna let her words sink in, he didnt care what amelia had to say, he knew she was just jealous and embarassed to the point she needed to make a bigger problem than the situation actually was.

an icky feeling, like he was disgusted with his own skin escaped throughout him, he felt gross.

he couldnt rid of the feeling, even with his hands wrapped around his torso, hugging himself at his best attempt of shaking the feeling, yet it didnt work.

he stood from the door and walked to his bathroom, immediately stripping from his pants and boxers to get in the shower, the only place he’d hoped would rid the disgusting feeling, he felt strange all over, his skin felt hot and too tight on him.

his hands moved quick to start his shower water, turning the knob to his usual tempature, just slightly hotter, hoping the hot would help.

his body felt wet now, the stinging tempature of the water didnt do anything but add a painful sensation throughout him. his hands went to his hair, grabbing desperately for stabilization, his emotions were sky rocketing and he couldnt understand why.

why did he feel gross?

why did his skin fit uncomfortably?

why did he feel like this?

why couldnt he feel like his usual self? everything was so overwhelming.

his hands moved quicker than he’d like, grabbing his body soap and squeezing more than needed on his loofah, he didnt even bother spreading it in, he only hit his chest and began washing desperately, spreading it across his body in attempts at feeling better, like the soap would do something to him, make him feel better.

he rubbed his skin desperately, searching for a way to end this mess.

after his shower, matt had finally felt just cleaner, but not clean. in the shower, he’d figured out why he felt the way he did, or what he’d convinced himself what the reason was.

he’d simply told himself over and over again that it was amelia, she was all over him and the realization had finally occured that he touched her, she touched him, and he finally felt icky for it.

so, after getting dressed, he’d ripped his bed clean from the sheets she’d slep in last night, changed pillowcases and blankets.

if he didnt, he didnt want to picture how he’d feel. he wasnt sure if he even wanted to ever do this again with amelia.

before letting this all dull over his mind any more, he grabbed his phone and texted his brothers and madi’s groupchat, asking them the question that caused amelia’s snap from earlier.

“do you guys wanna hang out?”

~

sending that message already was a lot for him, so now to act okay, like he wasnt arguing with amelia, scrubbing his body till it was a light shade of pink and stinging, and where he had to strip his entire bed clean from any remneants of amelia, to now hanging out with his friends, trying to act like he wanted to be here and wasnt slowly crumbling inside was just the cherry ontop.

at any given moment he could snap at someone, nick and chris definitely took notice of that, seeing how sharp his movements were, his tone bitter and stern and his eyes giving no mercy to anyone or anything he laid eyes on.

nick walked over to matt, laying a gentle hand on his shoulder while whispering to his brother, “whats your problem matt? you’ve been having mattitude all day and its just getting annoying by now.”

matt looked up at him, shooting him a glare before shaking his hand off his shoulder with a grumble, “nothing nick, cant you ever stop complaining?”

nick scoffed and shook his head, moving away from the very clearly pissed off matt.

amelia’s been tense since she left the house, an undying amount of pressure on her shoulders since she met the triplets and madi at the park, seeing matt slouched over at a bench with an annoyed look on his face was not a good sign.

she wasnt even sure why he was mad, she should be the mad one. he led her on and is now being the bitchy one? how unfair.

again, with the amount of pressure on her shoulders—being the dramatic bitch she is, she felt the need to get it off her shoulders, convincing herself that she was too good to be holding this much on herself.

so, while talking with madi, and ranting about her time with matt that morning, speaking of how rude he was—leaving out the parts where she was the bitch.

“—and then I couldnt believe he just did that out of nowhere, especially after I went through all the work of having to lie to him about y/n cheating, then he has the audacity to reject me?” she rolls her eyes, her tone holding the very obvious pissedness she was also make very clear with her face.

madi’s eyebrows knit together, amelia did what?

she narrows her eyes as her stomach churns with disgust, madi stands up from her spot on the bench, looking down at amelia with glare.

“what?” amelia asks, still completely unaware of her mistake.

“I- I just need to pee.” madi mumbles, tearing her gaze away from amelia, she repeats what amelia said in her head, each time sending a jolt of even more disgust to her already sick stomach.

amelia nods hesitantly, too annoyed to think more about her words and why madi had just left so abruptly.

madi looked around the now darkening park, looking for matt, once her eyes land on his figure, still sat slouched at the bench, his eyes drooping but following his finger as it runs along the wooden table.

she walks up to matt, taking a seat next to him before blurting out, “amelia lied.”

matt lifts his head up, looking over at madi, his eyebrows raising in confusion. “about what?” he asks.

“y/n cheating- she didnt actually do it, matt. she lied so she could have you.” madi muttered, her voice growing quieter with shame with each word she spoke.

matts body raced with emotions, he wasnt even sure what he was feeling right now, what was he supposed to feel with this newfound information?

he just stared at madi, his face falling pale.

“she what?”

3013 words

@luverboychris @chrissturniolosfavoritesexdoll @meg-sturniolo @junnniiieee07 @genshin-addict @mels22lunchbox @ssilentzom @haunted-headset @dollyspsychoxo @sturnib-tch @b2cute @livvy4realll @graysturns @wh0resstuff @jnkvivi @mattsmad @sturn-bugz @jamiesturniolo @nayveetbhh @sturniluvr @strniolo @sunsetsturniolos @sleepysturnss @xbabyd0lli3x @e1ias3 @mbbsgf @leia-13 @stuniolo-simp4life @mattsdinosweater @preppy234 @sturniololvrrr @fleurdaisy11 @im-a-bored-chicken-nugget @sturnsfavvv @d-seavy @sturnwritess @simply-a-simper @multi-fandom205 @0zzzzz6-blog @coochiedestroyer1 @ratatioulle @bibassssssss @amaliarosewood @5t4rfish @y-s-a-p @joemamaaa42069 @whiteoakoak @qrzrrae @frankoceanlvrr12 @ilovemymannnnnnnn @iloveneilperry @strnilolo @theprettyplanet

[missacidburn928s-heathenhideaway]

Don't care if it sounds cold. It is, what it is.

Bucky x POC!Reader, Ex!Steve x POC!Reader

Wordcount: 1394

Summary:

Steve returns 3 years after he left for the past. Wanting the life he had with you before back without consequence. Too bad you’ve moved on with someone he least expected.

Warnings:

Angst and Feels, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Domestic Fluff, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers Feels, Hurt Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Protective Bucky Barnes, Exes, Sad and Sweet, Sweet Bucky Barnes, Moving On, Lovers to Friends, Friends to Lovers, Abandonment, Domestic Avengers

Notes:

Hello Heathens! Woke up feeling angsty, with a mighty need to finish this dialogue heavy drabble I started last week. Happy reading!

You’re preparing lunch in your modest kitchen, singing and dancing along to the music flowing from your bluetooth speaker, when there’s a knock on the door. Knowing Bucky can easily hear it and you're currently preoccupied you leave him the task of answering it. You listen to the door opening and murmurs of speech for a couple moments before it closes again and two sets of footsteps can be heard heading your way.

“Sam, what have I told you about at least texting before you come over.” You look up from the island, expecting to find a grinning Falcon before you but are caught off guard by the imposing form standing under the archway. “Steven?”

“Hey, doll.” He takes a step forward as you close your eyes, shaking your head to relieve you from the vivid hallucination that is taking up space in your home. It isn’t until Bucky places his cool metal hand on top of yours, giving it a squeeze, that you dare to open them again. 

“What are you doing here? And most importantly why ? You went after your happily ever after. You shouldn't be here.”  You blurt out, disbelief showing on your face. Bucky without hesitation makes his way to your side of the island, showing his support and making sure to be within arms reach if you need him. 

“It wasn’t quite as happy as I imagined it would be.” You watch his adams apple bob as he swallows. “All I wanted for so long was to have a do over with Peggy. So the first chance I had to fulfill that dream, I took it.” He places his hands on the island. “It was good at the beginning, but I couldn’t get you out of my head.” He locks eyes with you. “We barely spent any time together after a while. She was always working. Trying to better the world, leaving me alone with my memories of you. I found myself seeking out pieces of you in her. They always fell short. No one loved me like you. I wanted that back. So I decided I needed to come home.”

You take a deep breath to calm yourself, tears brimming your eyes as you hand Steve a dose of painful truths. "What we had was special Steven. I'll admit that. But it wasn't enough for you. I wasnt enough for you. Your head was always full of the what ifs. Your heart was never fully mine to begin with. I thought that as time went on, that my portion was growing in size. How wrong was I to believe such things.” A lone tear falls from your eyes. 

“I'm a firm believer of actions speaking louder than words. You leaving me behind for a chance with her that day was all the reality I needed. It broke me. You broke me. Honestly if it weren't for Bucky, Sam and Clint’s family I don’t think I would have had the will to endure all that pain. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I wanted to not exist so I wouldn't have to feel the pain of being abandoned for a ghost of your past. I was real, Steve. I was there. I gave you the pieces of me I hadn't shared with anyone else before and you took all of that for granted. And now you're back and expect that love to still remain intact.” 

Your heartache seeps through your words, coating it in poisonous barbs, to protect what remains of the vulnerable organ. Bucky, your lover and loyal protector, moves in closer, wrapping his flesh arm around your waist, grounding you. “You have got to be kidding me. Even if I wasnt with Bucky, I wouldn’t take you back. Not after 3 years and having to rebuild myself. My standards have changed and you don’t meet them anymore.”

It’s as if your words delivered a swift punch to the gut for him as he lashes out with vitriol lacing his tongue. “And he does? My best friend. I always knew you had feelings for her. You couldn't wait to swoop in as soon as I was gone could you.” He has a white knuckle grip on the marble as he stares down the man he’s always trusted with his life.

Bucky just nods his head in disbelief as he replies. “I'm the bad guy, Steve, really?” He pulls you in closer to his side, done with the niceties. “If you must know. We didn't even broach anything near romantic until almost a year after you left us BOTH behind.” 

He clenches his jaw as he gets that possessive glint in his eyes and you know he’s not going to hold back. “When it finally happened, a natural progression if you will, there was no turning back. She became mine, as I became hers. It was fucking magical. She always came for me. On my fingers. On my tongue. Clamped tight around my cock like a vice. Squeezing the life out of me.” He husks, ghosting his metal fingers across your collarbone. “I helped her forget about the pain you caused when you left her behind for the past. I gave her an outlet for that agony. We sank into the darkness of our loneliness together. Don’t tell me that didnt mean something. Don’t be that daft Rogers. Our love for each other is bone deep.”

Steve stares at the both of you, a loss for words.

“Mama” comes over the monitor sitting behind you on the counter. You turn to see your daughter standing in her crib having woken from her nap. She continues on trying to get your attention, “Mama”, “Dada” the only words you can make out from the babble.

“I’ll get her.” Bucky kisses your temple and proceeds down the hall.

“You have a baby?” Steve chokes. “How old?”

“She’s 15 months old.” You state.

“So, she’s not mine.” He whispers out.

“Not a chance pal. She’s all mine.” Bucky beams as he walks back into the kitchen, your daughter Amara on his hip.

“You never wanted kids with me Steve. Certainly not towards the end. Why would you think she was yours?” You ask.

“Wishful thinking I guess.” He looks over at the sweet cherub face cuddling up against her fathers chest. “She’s beautiful.”

“Bug, want to say hello?” Bucky asks his daughter, a hand running up and down her back.

The toddler eyes Steve and squeaks out a “Hi.”

“Hello sweetness. You look just like your Mama, but with your Dada’s eyes. Such a lucky girl.” You watch as his shoulders slump. “I screwed up royally. I acted before thinking, once again, and look at what it cost me. Everything I ever really wanted was always right here with you and now I’m going to have to watch it from the sidelines instead of being the one to share them with you.” A lone tear rolls down his cheek. 

He wipes it away. “I know it’s not much, especially now. But for what it’s worth, I’m Sorry. Truly and deeply.”

“I know you are Steve.” You reassure him.

“We both do.” Bucky adds.

“I don’t hold it against you, ya know.” You impart, placing a hand on his. “If you didn't put me through all of that pain I never would have ended up here, with a life I never could have dreamt of. It’s not perfect, but that’s the point. It works for us and we’re happy. This home is full of so much love and communication. I had to be knocked down to know what I really needed in life. The things I wouldn't settle for. The things I deserved. I hope you can find that one day Steve. I really do.”

“Thanks, doll. I’m pretty sure that ship has officially sailed for me though.” He straightens himself out, Captain persona put back in place.

You give Bucky a look as he places Amara in her highchair. You can’t leave Steve in this state. No matter the pain he caused all of you, there is still love in your heart for him. “Stevie, would you like to stay for lunch?”

“I know Bug would love to get to know her Uncle Stevie.” Bucky states.

You watch a small smile emerge on his face. “I would enjoy that very much.”

[frissy]

Earth42!Miles morales / Earth1610!Miles morales x fem reader

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5)

[A/N] Hey! It’s been awhile. This story has been in the back of my mind for quite some time, and I think it’s finally time I come back to it! This is long overdue. So, I hope you enjoy. Sorry for it being short, I wrote this at 12:30am.. sorry if it’s bad too, I haven’t written in awhile. Lol.

.

.

angst

protective! Earth42 Miles

protective! Earth1610 Miles

NOT PROOFREAD

PREVIOUSLY…

Just then, the prowler version of Miles yanked you. Holding you while hyperventilating, he looked at your Miles wide-eyed.

“No. You’re not going to take her. Not when I just got her back.” He held onto you tighter.“No!

You don’t understand. If she stays… If she replaced your [name]… your whole universe would vanish! You’d all die.” Miles tried pleading.

“I don’t care.”

“you should!”

“why!?”

“wouldn’t your [name] want you to be happy? This is only hurting yourself.”

“you just don’t get it. I loved my [name]. She was everything to me. And she died.”

you tried prying yourself out of his arms, but his grip was too strong. You reached out for your Miles, but before he could take your hand, the prowler put his mask back on.

“you’re not leaving me again, [name].” He said, carrying you has he made his way out of the apartment complex, shouting for your smiles as you left.

Your Miles stood there, shaking. Not with fear, but with anger.

Now, Miles had two people to save. And you were the one his heart wanted to save first.

.

.

.

.

Miles breathed heavily as he stared out the now open window his other self took you through, he look at Uncle Aaron—At least, the uncle Aaron of this universe.

“go on. It’s not good for him to do what he’s doing” He said, looking at Miles.

“thanks, uncle a—“ Miles stopped himself. He simply looked away, slipping his mask on and going out the window into the night to find [name].

.

.

meanwhile…

“Let— LET GO OF ME!-“ you shouted as you were being taken through the city, all you wanted— no, all you needed to do was to go home and save Mr. Morales. You had to ignore Miguel’s warnings, even if the world collapses, Miles would die with his father by his side.. with you, by his side. Ever since Miles from this earth professed that in his world, you were his girlfriend; a certain feeling tugged at your heart but you ignored it you couldn’t have a crush on your best friend.. right?

“no. I’m keeping you.. you’re MINE. And—“

Before he could finish, he was knocked to the ground and you almost went flying out of his hands.

he groaned loudly in pain— but you, didn’t hit the ground. Your Miles had caught you. Holding you against him tightly.

“Don’t touch her. Leave her alone!” He said, loudly

Earth 42 Miles got up, wincing in pain.

“Give her back. Give her back to me.”

“She’s not yours.”

“BUT SHE COULD BE!”

he yelled out in pain, the mental turmoil he was going through made his sanity drop. All he wanted was his girl back. And there she was— her hair, eyes.. all the same. But some asshole, he thought.. was preventing his reunion.

that’s when he lunged at Miles— but Miles swooped away with you before he could snatch you again.

that’s when Miles spoke.

“I know.. I know what it’s like to lose someone you care about. But— in this case.. having them back will only cause more damage. Your universe- it will disappear. You- and everyone else will die. Your family, friends— everyone.” ”I don’t care.. I just want my [name] back.. my beautiful girl..” he said pointing at you.

Miles took a deep breath, and turned your head into his chest while he kept speaking to the Miles of Earth 42.

“Me and [name] have to go ho—“

“NO. SHES MINE YOU CAN’T HAVE HER!” Miles shouted. He tried to yell more, but the rain overpowered him.

“I’m sorry. But she can’t stay here.”

it wasnt long before your Miles had shot out his webs, carrying you away from the other version of himself.. the cold and shattered version of himself…

The other Miles looked at you two as you swung away over the crime ridden Brooklyn.

Until— Miles put out his hand and a flash of orange appeared, it seemed to be a portal.

That’s when he jumped up steps— jumped across buildings as fast as he could to follow you two.. but he was too late.

Miles, in his now soaking wet prowler suit, looked out into the empty skyline, his heart breaking all over again.

He felt sick. Are there more? More universes with you? More, mocking universes where someone else got to have you?

That’s when he decided, he’ll find a way. He’ll find a way to get you again- any version of you. And he won’t be so gentle the next time he finds you.

He’ll lock you up if he has to.

TO BE CONTINUED…

*disclaimer: chapter 6 may not come out until BEYOND THE SPIDERVERSE comes out to make writing easier.*

[redrum-alice]

ANOTHER GODDAMN TIMEBOMB TANGLED AU HCs BEcause why not...

Idk if ive wrote this in one of my Tangled AU HCs tho but regardless...

Look look, listen-- this is just a headcanon for this AU. I know that Vi and Powder's parents fought at the bridge, and it wasn't explicitly said they were close to Vander (muchless Silco). So with all that said, if you're gonna be mad that I used their mother as a love interest for Vander and Silco and that this is inaccurate, then do not read lmao.

When Vander and Silco were young, theyre fighting over a young woman lmao

The woman is close to the two since shes part of the vigilante group that want to fight for Zaun, so they know her very well.

But it turns out she was already engaged to someone else, and few years later, she had a daughter named Vi 🥲

After hearing all this, Silco and Vander tried to forget their little fight and focused on making Zaun independent (that is until they fought again about how to run the city and Vander won over- Silco got the nasty eye)

When the lady's husband died from the war at the bridge, Vander offered to help her out as a stand in uncle for Vi and her soon to be sibling.

So when the woman fell ill all while pregnant with her 2nd child, she asked Vander to take care of her children if she ever passed away.

Silco on the other hand was bitter from his and Vander's fight. Not only that, he despised the fact that Vander gets to be close to his unrequited love all while he has to suffer alone. He soon managed to form a group dedicated to idealistic future for zaun where he gets to rule over it with the use of shimmer, provided by Singed (who agreed bc he is interested in testing humans)

So when Silco heard that the lady he once fell in love with got ill, it was his chance to introduce her to shimmer. He convinced her it was medicine, and overtime she took it regularly. Turns out it did ease the pain but after effects would put her in dire situation.

The Lady didnt know about the quarrel between Vander and Silco, so she didnt shoo away Silco when he approached her with "medicine"

Meanwhile, Vander was oblivious on whats going on at first bc he was busy protecting the citizens from abusive enforcers. It was too late when The Lady was on her last breath while struggling to give birth to Powder

He did what he was told and took in the daughters, but it wasnt long until Silco and his henchmen raided their home and stole Powder.

Funfact: Silco doesn't like Vi because she looks like her later father (terms of hair and eye shape), while Powder/Jinx is his favorite because she resembles a lot like her mother. Thats also the reason why Silco locked her up to keep her safe (and he knows for sure whatever illness her mother has, she might inherit it).

Though ofc he's still ever so distant to Jinx and neglectful of her feelings because she's another man's daughter and that alone tore him. (Look, he really fell for the lady, this was a huge slap to his face 🙃)

Bonus slap was when the lady chose Vander over him to take care of her children bc she trusts him more than anyone else

Another fact: Silco forbid Jinx to wear her hair up in braids because it'll remind him too much of the lady 💀 (her late mother wears her hair in braids, its a signature look for her ✨️)

[thatonepoppyangstguy]

Back to normal, hmm?

It's really quite the miracle, you know. Most toons that twist don't get as lucky as you.

But...why you?

Was it because you did something right? Was it because you happened to have the determination and strength to move forwards?

Or was it because of a freak accident?

You may tell the others that ask that you are thankful for not losing yourself to your own madness, but let's be honest here:

Do you even believe that you deserved to come back?

So many others have been entirely lost to this insidious affliction, their former selves lost to the ichor, but by a stroke of pure chance, YOU somehow break free of this standard.

And yet, no matter how relieved you should feel, you know, deep down...

It should've been somebody else.

Imagine how the others felt, hearing a toon came back from twisting. Maybe it was a useful distractor, or a fast extractor that could help them on missions! Maybe it was someone who could teach the others how to avoid twisting as well!

Imagine their disappointment when you showed up instead.

Useless, insignificant Poppy, who can't do anything right. Who got herself twisted due to an idiotic mistake that she made, and who doesn't even have a reason as to why she went back to normal.

Knowing this now, you would've almost felt more at peace being alone, struggling to keep control as you isolated yourself, when nobody was around to see just how much of a failure you are. You would've felt better if the others never had to lay their eyes upon your abhorrent self.

Don't you see?

You should've never came back in the first place.

-red text anon

Staring, she didnt have any anger in her eye, there wasnt a hint of emotion, adjusting the bandages on her eye slightly, she spoke "Your worthless opinion can't affect me." "Bother someone else." She just.. calmly spoke, Her tail softly swaying "You've done good, possibly more bad, but still good." "I don't believe I'm a failure. "Therefore your opinion is worthless." "Also, it was not a mistake," "Have you not seen the pattern?" "The anons caused me to almost lose my sanity." "My own choices cause me to almost twist." "I didn't want to come back from twisting." "I want to permanently twist." "Theres no more 'oh i dont wanna be a twisted! it hurts!!'" "..I just want to avoid the pain I go through." "I don't know why I didn't twist." "If I knew, I would've stopped it." "Believe me, I would've."

[sanchoyo]

up at 1 am shaking like a chihuahua bc i let myself have a soda (have not drank soda regularly in years) (doctor said no caffeine also but I needed it bc i read somewhere it makes midol kick in faster and i dont even know if thats true bc im still in pain also) and since my dog died and my grandmas health has been getting worse and worse too and my mom said she probably wont make it until the end of the year ive been both sad and a little manic.

like it might be the soda or the 1 AM of it all but im like I need to do So Much we are all Mortal . ive never actually lost anyone close to me before my dog and I should feel blessed for that (27 and never having anyone I love die??? wow) but its just filling me with a kind of dread and im like fuck . i need to do More. because everyone is going to Die.

im looking at flights for iceland???? i want to take my mom to iceland. immediately. i need to not be in this country for a few days (she does not have a passport) (passports take months to get back after applying usually) (i only have the card passport so i could also not go anywhere outside of north american countries unless i switched over to a book passport) (i have not even ran this by her because it is 1 am and im up alone) (i am saving for a car and should not be looking at 'best hotels to view the northern lights from in iceland' because I need a car. to drive.) (but she wants to see the northern lights and has never flown on a plane and what if we all die one day before we get to do that????)

(i do not have the money to be justifying this even as a concept. at all. in fact someone needs to take my bank account and lock it down bc ive been on a BAD retail therapy session the past three weeks bc thats what I do when im sad. run myself into credit card debt babey!!) being like this for the past few weeks... it feels a bit like watching someone else do stupid things and i cant control it, and i KNOW im going to be pissed at myself for spending so much later which is so annoying. do I miss having men who buy me things if i even hint at wanting the things?? (does it make me a kind of bad person if I do?? it wasnt really me leading them on. i told them i was a lesbian upfront. i cannot control what grown men do with their wallets, lol)

this is the effect (1) soda has on me. i never have caffeine. i can feel my heartbeat in my spine rn. AAA HOW do ppl regularly drink anything with caffeine serious question. im convinced im actively dying.

[ankhisms]

ep 46 of agito was very good, probably one of my favorite episodes of the show so far.. i ended up rambling more than i meant to oops

the struggle shouichi and mana both go through paralleling each other as they grapple with the death of manas father and the possibility of shouichis older sister being partially responsible but moreover both of them grappling with power of agito and how it can be used to inflict violence on others.

i dont really view agito as being a sequel to kuuga really although i know being a follow up to kuuga was the intention behind a lot of it because kuuga is such a beautiful and unique one of a kind thing theres only ever gonna be one kuuga yknow but that being said i do think late show agito and this episode in particular do harken back a bit to kuugas themes about violence and humanitys capacity for great good and great harm.

shouichi is so completely willing to give up his powers because he feels that they only bring people pain, even when hikawa ryou and kino remind him of how many people hes saved, but in shouichis eyes agito is responsible for the death of manas father and he cant forgive himself for that even if he wasnt the one who did it- and for a while mana is unable to forgive him for this either, shes just a teen and shes already had to lose her father in a horrible tragic way and now shes finding out that someone who she considers family could be connected to that tragic death. of course she runs away from shouichi and tells him to leave her alone. its too much for anyone to handle especially a teen.

but then later shouichi not only gives up his powers because he doesnt want to hurt mana or anyone else, hes completely willing to sacrifice himself to save mana. he shields her from being struck by the unknowns attack even when he doesnt have the power to transform into agito anymore, and he thinks this is for the best. because he struggles to disconnect agito and its power from the violence that claimed both the lives of manas father and his sister.

i think my favorite part was the end fight sequence where you have several good things going on, youve got houjou setting aside all his pettiness and his pride in order to give hikawa directions and be his eyes in the fight while hikawa cant see, and then mana tells shouichi that he needs to fight again as agito and even though shouichi still cant transform he doesnt hesitate to run up to god and try to punch him just as a normal human, and the first thing that hikawa sees once his vision returns is shouichi untransformed and powerless attempting to literally fight god

also man. i mentioned before that i liked that it felt like kino was still a bit aloof and not totally nice but i also felt that his gradual change in character was good, ryou comments on it and then youve got him performing emergency surgery on shouichi to save him. but in the end kino never got off that mountain. the past never did stop haunting him no matter how many lives he saved, he could never go back in time and save his brother.

[archivxx]

BITCH I JUST HAD A FUCKING AMAZING IDEA SHUT UPPP.

Love & War {Joe “coop” Cooper x Reader}

Genre.| Angst.

Relationship.| messy, established.

Style.| Oneshot.

Context.| things with Coop have been “off” recently.

Sharing kisses with Joe was always beautiful. Through that alone you could feel his love and desire for you. Every time he kissed you he never failed to knock the wind right out of you. It was mesmerising.

However, this time, that was not the case. In fact the last few time, it hadn’t been. Through his kiss you could feel discomfort, wrongness. Something was off. The love that had once been there was gone. You’d felt your relationship was coming to head for a very long time however you hadn’t fully anticipated it. You knew he was losing interest in you ever since Jenna came around however you still found yourself wondering when it had actually happened. Had it been an overnight thing or was it a long process? Had he been feeling this way since she came or before that? What were you doing wrong? What did she have that you didn’t? These thoughts ate at you. Destroyed your wellbeing.

But now it was clear as day; Joe Cooper didn’t love you. He had loved you, and for almost three years. But your relationship had lost its passion a long time ago. You were holding onto lose split ends. Neither of you were gaining anything from it anymore, while you still loved him.

So when Coop pulled back and you saw the tinge of annoyance in his eyes it hit you. Or more so crashed into you. It felt like a tonne of bricks had been thrown at you. Like you were being pelleted with rocks and stones. Your whole body ached. But it had hit you now; you had to break up with him.

There was no use in keeping him around when he no longer loved you, that would be wasting your time and his. You heaved out and sigh and stared at him for a long moment, “Coop, I can tell that you’re unsure, but I know. Don’t worry I’ll leave, you don’t have to say anything.” He remained silent, clearly, you were right. He’d seen no use in arguing for you or chasing for you because he simply didn’t love you. You knew he loved Jenna. How could you not know? You’d caught him yourself.

You’d never forget that dreadful day when you had come home and heard him, telling her that he loves her. That you would never find out. You made a point of making sure he never found out about you knowing, you allowed him to betray you, you let it happen because he was happy.

He stared at you unmoving, dumbfound, you were crying now. This was purely humiliating. Crying in front of the man that was supposed to love you for eternity. Crying in front of your traitor. You felt weak. Vulnerable. It was not a nice feeling.

“I don’t understand.”

“I caught you, “would your keep it a secret? Like I haven’t fucked this way before.” That’s what you’d said to her.” You were almost heaving at this point, choking on tears. You couldn’t hand it, you wanted out. You hoped he would let you run, get away. You hoped that the floor would open up and swallow you. You wanted to be anywhere else.

His heart dropped along with his face. To add pain to punch his face had reddened. He hadn’t seen this as seriously as you had. He found it embarrassing because he’d been caught out, he wasnt embarrassed about what he had done to you. If anything he was proud, he’s lost attraction for you a long time ago.

Love is like war. No one wins but everyone gets hurt. No one benefits from it. In the end it falls short, you could give someone all your love and they can turn a blind eye and betray you. If anything, you were the fool. You were the one that allowed him to go behind your back. You’d seen no point in trying to stop him anyway, your relationship was dead. Dead as a door nail.

When you ran out of your shared house, grabbing the bag you’d packed and left by the door, tears staining your cheeks, you concluded that this, this was for the best. It was not worth your time. You ran. You ran as fast as your legs would take you. You ran and ran. You ran to the only place where you could seek comfort, understanding and love. You ran right into Doug’s arms.

I don’t think any of this makes sense but I hope you enjoyed🫶

[away-ward]

Headcanon!

One of the things that I like about Emory and Damon's relationship is that Damon did not and could not have much control over her, be it her mind, her heart or her body. Even after roughly knowing each others' pain and burying Natalya's body together, HE was the first one to be somewhat cordial to her (in his own weird way ofc), but Emmy still needed a lot of reassurance, readiness and trust to even be friendly towards Damon. In that hallway scene with Will and Damon, it was clear that she wanted Will, and we saw Damon has somewhat opened up to her and maybe even willing to share his bond with Will (because sex and being sexual were two of the main ways how he bonds with others), but it was Emmy that rejected that bond offer (is there a better term because idk if this makes sense 100%) because even after everything, it was not enough to convince her to trust him or will, or them both. I very much love this implication because when this happens, emmy was never described as rejecting them out of pride anymore, like she did to will in some scenes privately before, but mostly out of unreadiness. Other than that, It could also mean that she probably wasnt willing to settle down through this kind of bond with these two specific people, when there were so many other immaturity, big and little issues as well as miscommunications that were not solved between all of them, so they just cannot dive together (like how Damon, Will and Winter did).

Emory Scott always expected more for and from them and everyone (as she fucking should) and not even the horsemen were exempted from this. Emory is the kind of person that don't do casual relationships, but also don't easily take people into their lives just because she doesnt want to feel alone, and not even after everything, could Damon or Will have anything of her and I like that. Not in the sense where "oh yeah these guys are not going to get everything they wanted", but in the sense where this is the first book in the series where the FMC was actively setting her boundaries and making sure that other MMCs know her expectations from them and that this is not just their world, but it's also hers. So no matter if theyre God, the President, Damon Torrance, Will Grayson or the Horsemen, if they cannot offer her something specific that she can logically respects, needs and wants, they still are not much worth to her life, and dont really bring anything much to her table. Each one of them needs to work for the other's respect, Emory herself included, so they needed to work harder to be better themselves as an individual and as friends or family members, rather than just share a few sad scenes and then have impromptu sex with each other, then POOF, expect everything to be magically solved. This was at least, what I think people like Emory would rationale her actions in that situation. The kind of trust she expected was probably something that should come from a place of sincerety, kindness, care and patience, and not some impatient, cheap and shallow view of each other, especially not when they were all still so young and she was so highly dependent on her abusive brother, and believed that no one could and would want to share her burden with her.

So thats why, I think this might also be one of the traits that Damon might appreciate about Emmy the most (among many others), because he knew he cant just get away with anything with her, but also knew that she wont vilify him wrongly based on rumours and for something that could have justifiable cause for his actions, especially after fact checking with others. Emory could be distrustful to others, but when she trusts someone, she is a very loyal person and she always got many solid reasons to trust them too, not just some surface level kind of trust, and some reasons might even be weird as fuck (usually personal), just because she could put her emotional side and be rational in certain situations like these, even when no one else can seem to understand her reasons. She also understand the difference between wants and needs, personal vendetta and circumstances etc., and when to prioritise which to deal with her situation at hand (interestingly, despite her not always agreeing with her own words and actions), and many other complicated and nuanced isues, so she is usually ahead of others when it comes to thinking maturely and critically. We know by now that Thinking maturely and critically in a very tough situation are not really the best traits shown by the horsemen or some of their wives, at least, not all the time, so this convinces me even more that as much as Emory needs them to safely be innocent, wildly and freely let go, and be whoever she had always wanted to be, they too needed someone like her to ground them back to reality and pop their Thunder-Bay-People bubble, like what Alex said in Nightfall during their first meeting. When you think about this more right, as a family, they all really did balance each other out.

Emory and Damon's relationship is definitely the first relationship that Damon had to work for with someone outside of his friend group, a relationship that he cant always control or indulge in whenever he wants. It had to come from a lot of anticipated mutual respect, and a good amount of approriateness of whats right and whats wrong. If not, he wouldnt have apologised to her about burning the previous gazebo. Building the new gazebo might not just be about emory, but also for will, and him standing up for her in the train might be because he could also understand how lonely it was to not having any allies in hideaway and kill switch + a sense of understanding, trust and loyalty from their similar pain and that Natalya burial. However, Damon by that point, other than wanting the best for Will, which means Emory scott will be their family sooner or later- Damon himslef, had no solid need to apologise to her at all for that gazebo burning, even on the behalf of will. Of course, he was partly guilty, but he didnt have to feel the NEED to apologise, like he didnt feel the need or regret for a lot of his past crimes and faults. But the fact that this was one of the things that he brought up to her, after many things that he did regret and didnt regret, he probably had given it some thought about how that couldve impacted her. He was already mature enough by then to understand the gravity of the gazebo burning, and how they did fucked up a gazebo of an innocent girl, just because their friend was rejected and "abandoned". The gazebo that she studiously work all by herself with no one else's help!

Damon also probably understood the kind of person Emory was and the kind of relationship that she expected all those years ago now, especially after not betraying him about Natalya and Banks, and even telling him that she needs to tell Will about it, because imagine if this was Rika or Kai, they probably wouldve used this as a leverage to fuck with him. After maturing, instead of having the narrative of Emory were always just a prideful person (before the locker scene), he probably understood her personality even clearer now, especially after working with her for years, and see that it was never personal to her, and it was just her setting boundaries out of self-respect, (as she should have). Thats why, i dont think there have to be any other words necessary exchanged between them by the end of Nightfall. I believe, out of the many friendships, theirs is a solid one from the start till the end because a lot of their moments in their relationship came from mutual respect, unexpected kindness, sincerety, and loyalties so they'll just be like those friends who saw different facades of the other from the rest of the world, and will have each others' back in an approriate amount. Not always enabling, but not always judging either, and i think their friendship and partnership, if pd did explore more of it, would be a natural friendship where no matter how long the other took to match their pace in life or weird the circumstances was, they could actually get along with each other even outside of the horsemen, because at the core theyre very similar, but with very different trajectory of life, so for lot of the things that they had to work with, they could agree on a lot of the same values in their work and life.

I might looked into their relationship a bit too much, but it's because i found them so different yet so similar, they're like foils to each other, thats why their friendship could work well. What do you think?

Oooh I like this this kind of talk. And I really think there’s some merit to your HCs!

Damon was definitely making a point in the school scene with Will and Emory, but I never considered the idea that he was offering something to Emory. I had interpreted this scene as a message for Will – a signaling that Damon was accepting their relationship. I mean, I know he wanted Emory to see them, to know what they were about and see what she would do with it - reject or accept them. I still never thought it was for her and not Will. But you might be absolutely right. I mean, you are correct that he bonds with people through sex, so maybe this was him reaching out to her.

I do think that Damon respected Emory regardless of her rejection. When she didn’t give in to his manipulations – either her body or her mind, she showed him what she was made out of, and I’m not sure how often he found people who could resist him that so thoroughly. He hated her for what she did to Will after prison (in his interpretation, things are done to them), but before that he respected her.

I had considered her reasons for rejecting Will in that moment was her not wanting to bring him into her life. I think she was scared and too stubborn to go back on what she had already committed to. Still, there is an argument to be made that she was really scared of what joining them could mean for her. Scared of what it opened her up to and revealed about herself. At the same time, they weren’t good enough for her. She was committed to getting out of Thunder Bay, but Thunder Bay was their playground. They weren’t going to leave, at least not for long. And Will, as he was then, would drag her down and keep her under him, and Damon would have help him.

Everything you said about Emory having standards and boundaries that she demanded be respected is so accurate and I love you for saying it. I absolutely love this:

The kind of trust she expected was probably something that should come from a place of sincerety, kindness, care and patience, and not some impatient, cheap and shallow view of each other, especially not when they were all still so young and she was so highly dependent on her abusive brother, and believed that no one could and would want to share her burden with her.

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Emory isn’t quite to give her trust, but once she does, she does it completely. So solid.

as much as Emory needs them to safely  be innocent, wildly and freely let go, and be whoever she had always wanted to be, they too needed someone like her to ground them back to reality and pop their Thunder-Bay-People bubble like what Alex said in Nightfall during their first meeting. When you think about this more right, as a family, they all really did balance each other out.

(I had to find the scene you were talking about. Thanks for bringing it out! Love that someone – even though it was Alex – said this to Emory)

And The GAZEBO! Idk if it’s like this for anyone else, but hearing Damon apologize for the gazebo, for not trying harder to stop Will, did so much for me. Going back and reading that scene, with the new information of what Damon and Emory went through, why Damon would want to stop it really…just. I can’t articulate it!

But like… the idea that Damon didn’t want Will to burn it because he knew

Will would regret it.

It would hurt Em, who he didn’t feel deserved to be hurt at that point.

Like, he was really trying to look out for both parties in that case. And the fact that he regretted not trying harder! That he counted that as a failing on his part! Enough to make it up to her and Will by building the gazebo? Because he didn’t make any money on that. That wasn’t a job. He took the little time he had as a new father and starting a company, developing a new skill, found her plans and said i'm going to do this. Because, yeah sure Will would like it went he got back from traveling, but I also struggled with that being Damon’s only motivation. Somewhere along the way, Damon’s feelings for Emory had to have shifted away from “She hurt Will so she will pay” to “She did what she had to” and that means so much to me. One of the first people Damon starts to forgive (?) is Emory.

Okay… look. I have very normal feelings about the gazebo.

And yeah, I agree that him standing up for her on the train was more about him understanding what it’s like to be Public Enemy number 1 to these people and to also know… they’ve forgiven worse things. He’d done far worse things to them that Emory ever could, so maybe dial it back, guys?

But going back to what I said before, for most of the books, the main problem seems to be that these boys interpret things as happening to them, and not a result of their actions or a series of decisions or because bad things happen sometimes and there’s no one to blame (I mean, they are also right -- Evans' was something that happened to them, but that's the beside the point. Not everything is a conspiracy to hurt them). For Damon to be the one that learned that lesson first, and having to remind Kai and Michael that what happened with Emory wasn’t about Will or them in general, is big. He was essentially saying they're only mad because they view themselves as the heros, when in reality, he knew that they were just by-standers in Emory’s story.

Another thing I didn’t doubt was the bond between Damon and Emory at the end of NF (it’s only now that I’m realizing I didn’t even thing to put them on the poll. I’m sorry. They deserve the attention.). It’s obvious from the scenes they share they’re going to have something special, different from what they share with the others. At the same time, Damon being the favorite means he’s going to have a special and unique relationship with all of the characters. It’s unavoidable.

But I specifically love their bond.

I believe, out of the many friendships, theirs is a solid one from the start till the end because a lot of their moments in their relationship came from mutual respect, unexpected kindness, sincerety, and loyalties so they'll just be like those friends who saw different facades of the other from the rest of the world, and will have each others' back in an approriate amount. Not always enabling, but not always judging either

Yeah exactly. I don’t believe there’s any room for judgement between them. There’s too much understanding and insight and kindness and respect for them to judge the other. To even want to. They are very similar people.

New thought: if Will is Alex’s reflection, is Damon Emory’s??

I come alive for this kind of discussion. I don’t think you’re looking into their relationship too much. I think of all the friendships in the group, Damon and Emory’s has the most to inspect and analyze. There’s so many layers to the way they interact with each other, between their shared background, their bonds with Will, they’re approach to the world. But they’re also different enough to hold each other to a higher standard, which we need from friends.

Like you said earlier in your comment, Emory expected more from them, and that included Damon. But no one expected anything good from Damon, and he played into that. Sort of like “you think I’m bad, but I can be so much worse” almost? And here Emory comes, not accepting it, not playing into it. It leaves him with nothing to hide behind, and forces him to reveal a little of himself.

There’s so much here to look at and dig into, and I know I’m not skilled enough to be right about everything (or most things), but there’s also so many directions to take this in that make it fun.

All I can say is, Damon and Emory ftw

[epros]

hey guys do you remember when i first got into milgram and made a crazy post about haruka? im about to ramble a bit because i dont feel like making something more in depth but remember when in that post i talked about how my first impression of the girl hes with as a child was not his sister 9or friend???) but his idealized self? well i decided afterwards that both of those things can be true and the release of “all knowing all-agony” solidified that for me hey. dont walk away. let me explain. (deckard cain voice) stay a while and listen... its obvious that harukas relationship with his parents (particularly his mother) is very fraught. they clearly dont care for him. when they have a daughter who is “normal” (not an effeminate ‘son’ who is developing differently than other children) (because haruka is autistic) (if you get it you get it) they stop pretending to care about haruka and focus on the daughter instead and haruka is like what the fuck 😐... haruka killed her for 2 reasons: 1. because he was sick of being neglected by their parents who favored her, particularly their mother because idk the dad has to be absent or a serial killer considering haruka didnt even attempt to latch onto him for approval in the absence of his mothers love (dad does not want a girly “son” even if said son will join the serial killer business) (i cannot explain this further at the moment but it makes sense if youre me or tshirt) (to be brief the fact haruka had been previous validated for killing someone/something and thinks killing Again will totally earn more love and validation is so strange and makes no sense even in the context of if the death was because of his parents taxidermy hobby because theres a stark difference in killing an animal and killing a person and most taxidermied animals are already dead not killed For The Sake Of Taxidermy in this the year of 2022 so someone is a serial killer) and 2. because he was like well there can only be one girl here and youre a REAL girl which is not fair . But if youre gone i will be the girl again. #win the fact all knowing all agony starts with lines like “why was i born like this / why does it hurt so much?” and “you kept calling me ‘hopeless’, you never called me by my name / you were always comparing me to someone else / you were always generous, except towards me / i will definitely make you love me again” and him going into his mothers(?) jewelry drawer and taking a necklace (that might have been his sisters 🤨✍????) is like. there is something happening here. the insistence that “i wasnt wrong, i wasnt wrong” (which was also present weakness) during the chorus, along with pleas for someone to “hug me again as you once did” and “dont leave me alone, dont leave me” and, like the beginning of the song, “why was i born like this? why does it hurt so much?” just makes the soup in my brain start bubbling the real meat of what im trying to talk about comes from lines like “i just wanted to be your good boy. why am i crying again?” and “i will keep on killing to be a good boy”. near the end we also get “why was i born to be me? why does it hurt so much?” like, his mother only validated him when he was a “boy”, and he was killing. apparently. but doing this is painful for him. existing as a boy and also killing people(?) (things?) for attention isnt something haruka particularly wants to do but its what gets the attention he needs. i havent forgotten that in weakness he asked “how many more times do i have to do this so i can be human?” implying if he does not kill he is not human enough. but also his mother was clearly distraught at the end of the video when haruka was on a pile of animal corpses (which was an awesome visual just btw) theres something going on anyway the point im winding to is haruka is a girl actually and maybe her dad is a serial killer (who knows) her mom sucked and maybe she killed her sister out of frustration and neglect and also because she wanted to steal her gender (but haruka was a girl before her sister came into the picture make no mistake she did not decide to become a girl because her sister got more attention and love than she did. but it did prove to her in her mind that oh well if im a girl then 🤨... like do you get it?)

tshirt put it thusly after we watched all knowing all agony: “i'm just like. narrativizing this in my head like "oh and haruka self consciously models himself after specific women in order to gain their approval and also disavow the femininity as emerging intrinsically from him-- btw also his dad is killing people" which i think sums up what im trying to say because ive just kind of been on a stream of consciousness ramble because i fell asleep thinking about harukaisms last night truly i cant get over the repetition of lines like “why was i born like this why does it hurt so much” “i wanted to be your good boy / why am i crying again” like im sorry but there is something so gender about taking on the habits of the women around you and being agonized by the fact you are not physically like them and crying over being a boy but wanting to be a boy because its what you “are” and the only thing your parents will see you as and they are the only source of love and validation you have in your life even though they are not validating or loving you and resent you the more you try to gain their affections. LIKE MAKE IT MAKE SENSE ? also i think its really funny if harukas dad IS a serial killer because we have someone like kotoko who is gungho for vigilante justice so much so she beat the shit out of an 11 year old cult survivor (i wont forgive milgram fandom for voting amane guilty btw) and mikoto who is so stressed by familial responsibility and work that he started disassociating and beat a guy to death with a baseball bat and also shidou botched surgeries for reasons currently unclear (finger paresthesia? moving a loved one up on the organ donor list? both?) and its just like. haruka with the actual lucid serial killer dad. who also kills people because she feels like she has to. i dont know its just really funny to think about... (theres also futas whole thing and kazuis and yunos but they arent killers. probably. futa wasnt a willfully malicious murderer he just accidentally doxxed a woman alongside the guy who was sexually harassing her and social pressure drove her to suicide. kazui is a closeted gay man with a wife who may or may not have killed herself. i wrote a whole thing about it remember? and yuno had an abortion. which like, is against the law, especially if she didnt have the ‘fathers’ consent to do it, and depending on the method of abortion. mahiru has something going on idfk if shes a stalker or what. and then theres haruka and muu. muu is so funny spoiled rich lesbian schoolgirl who is feeling super validated that her murder was justified because she was being bullied and now she has haruka to yank around. falling back on her old ojou-sama hobbies. good for her) milgram is so funny.... anyway tl;dr i do think haruka displayed girl power when she murdered her sister(?) and whoever or whatever else she might have killed for attention and voting her innocent/forgiven is the best option (because its the funniest option for her future development)

[ginkashino]

Staring at myself on my monitor screen

i want to rant for a bit so:

I hate the way my face looks. Too young, too masculine, too like my dad's. My cheeks are too chubby, they make me look like a child, how will someone love me like this? I always look out of place amidst girls im interested in because they look their age and I look 16.

What a stupid complaint.

I read once that writing in a language that wasnt your own made it easier to talk about difficult topics (and easier to curse), though I can't remember why that was. I don't really care much about it. maybe im writing in english because I want someone to read it. It doesnt make a difference, im lonely either way. Not alone, per se, I have friends but they're all far.

Maybe im the issue, or at least so says my mom. The more recent failure in a long list of disapointments. If she had had more children the pressure to succeed wouldnt fall only on me; the pressure to have children (three, she wants), the pressure to have a career, the pressure to study something useful.

Who cares about a failed graphic designer?

I don't know who im drawing for. Me, in theory. I draw for me. And then I post something and it does meh and I feel like I wasted my time. So is it really for me? Are things worth the effort if only I like them? I want the answer to be yes and yet it doesnt feel genuine when it comes out of my mouth.

I would like myself better if i didnt worry about people liking me. I'm sure people do, I talk a lot, im friendly and caring and I work to make people happy. And yet im a once in a while friend.

People shouldnt have to addapt to me, not if im the minority. And yet the noises are too loud so I stay home, and lights flicker too much, and the people talk all at once. And im asking too many questions, they say, I should already know this, they continue. People intrinsically know. They know. They know.

Maybe its too late to be thinking and I should sleep.

I'm a good person, maybe just not great at being a person. "How many words! I shouldve just written something more productive" is such an awful feeling, like me talking (to myself, really) isnt good enough. Not everything I do has to be good.

I never follow my own advice.

I don't want to complain to people because what makes me likeable is that im fun to be around, and complaining about things when we already only really speak through a few messages a day is going to make people hate me. Or at least find me deeply annoying.

"If I had graduated already I would get dates" doesnt even make sense. I don't even know if i want a date. Love won't fix me but it would make things bearable, more interesting, maybe. Maybe im built to be alone and all by my own doing! watch me ignore people for days because I feel like I deserve the pain that brings.

rambling, rambling. Annoying! why do i think of myself as annoying for something I don't mind in anyone else!

i want a girl to hold me in her arms and give me a kiss.

If you, for some godforzaken reason read all this, here, a picture of my cat, Astra. I didnt bother to re-read this who cares.

[cpunkwitch]

i feel like i need to talk to someone about me getting a wheelchair

theres so many things holding me back from doing it

-i live on a hill, sidewalks are shit and cars drive fast and close to the curb a lot here -my parents already think im being a bit dramatic at times with my cane, theyre just getting used to me using it and my dad still makes comments about it from time to time, if i got a wheelchair that judgement would go up like 10 notches -im really tight on money and while i know theres a few places that might give them for free im pretty sure theyre american and im in canada -my mom has offered to let me use her back brace if it wasnt summer and that thing wouldnt cook me alive in the heat, i might ask if i could use her rollator from time to time but i doubt shed let me and i dont know if it would help much more than my cane -still getting over a lot of internal stuff to get myself to even use my cane regardless of how little its helping when i do. mix of self esteem, internalized ableism and other shit like that -etc

i want to figure something out that works if i didnt have the rest of that stuff to worry about, i might be able to set aside some of my inheritance after paying the first term of my tuition to get a cheap wheelchair somewhere but thats still not very likely

i know getting one would make things so much easier on my body if everything else wasnt in the way, id use it on the worst days of pain and during trips i know id otherwise have to be on my feet a while for. if i didnt have so many things holding me back id have one right now

i dont even know who id talk to let alone how id bring this up with my mom(cuz i trust her better than my dad seeing as shes also disabled) without an argument over aids and my body if i even could.

i guess im looking for advice on my situation, tips that could help out be it handling any of my obstacles, something i could do to make things easier on my body, what have you

im at a loss i broke down over this last night because my legs gave out on me and i laid collapsed on my floor for a bit before pulling myself up with my cane with much struggle.

i dont know why ableds think at all that we're 100% fine and functionable if we're not immobile and bedridden in the hospital. this shit is my life and has been for years because of a fuckup in my spine i was born with among other shit. i hate it.

[confuddled-befuddled-fuddle]

I don't miss my family per se. My sisters have all wronged me with the exception of one. My dad is a cunt, and my mom was emotionally absent after I turned 8. She may as well had not been there. I cant blame her. She never wanted me.

But I do miss the good moments. The references and jokes we shared, playing pool, generally fucking around, movies we loved to watch. I would never want to go back to those days. I'd rather die. I feel like an alien. Mourning a lost thing that no one else gets. Worse, the ones that do get it, I can't see them. Wouldn't see them. I wish we'd been a good family.

My mom was too young to be a parent. She was 15 when she had me. My dad was so blinded and idealistic, he wanted a family. A son, someone to be like him, a musician, a martial artist, an artist. He named the child he had after Bruce Lee's son. Brandon Lee. I didn't turn out anything like what he wanted. He was a harsh father day one.

My earliest memories he was mean and cruel. I was 4 and my sister 3, we were playing with a pet bunny and accidentally killed it. He sent us outside in the cold fall air to dig a hole for it. He was so angry, I was scared of my dad. Scared of him. We were crying and digging with hand shovels. We struck a root. I went back to tell him we couldn't get through it. I hadn't made it to the door, when from the window, his face a scowl, pointed forcefully back to where my sister was. I went and we sat there, chipping away forever in the cold.

He came out angrily demanding what took so long. That unfairness and anger never left him. His punishments were cruel. And over the most pointless things. I hated baked beans, they made me gag. When I couldn't eat it, he'd make me stand on the coffee table with my plate as everyone else sat down. I threw my plate away one day when he wasnt looking and he went through the trash and found it. He introduced his new favorite punishment. A paddle. I feared my father. No. He terrified me. My entire childhood. He kept the paddle on top of the refrigerator everywhere we moved, there it was. In plain view. If he got angry and started lecturing, you better hope he never went to the kitchen. It almost always meant you'd get those 3 wacks. "Turn around...bend over."

If I had the chance to gut him, bet the world I'd do it. I'd give almost anything to be alone with him in a room, let me torture him. I'd make him feel every ounce of fear I did. Terror. How can you want a child and then choose to torture it? He told me that when i cried as a baby it would piss him off so much that he would pinch my thighs and say "Now you have a reason to cry." Is it any wonder that I'm so scared of the world still. I hate pain, some days I hate being alive at all. And I never forgot or forgave. It's caused me stress in my relationships. My voice is stronger now, when i was a kid, talking back meant my punishment would be worse. He would hurt me more if I spoke up, gods forbid I defend myself.

If you have kids love them. Hold them tight and treat them with love and kindness. If you hurt your kids or want to then kill yourself. Open up your tender heartless wrists to the world. Its a fire sale on blood and everything must go. If I had the chance, I'd fucking love to beat every child abuser to death with a baseball bat. And I'd do it till my fucking arms fell off.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw for pretty general abuse talk , gaslighting , self doubt (if I missed any tws I'm sorry in advance)

So, between the ages of 5-15, my mom was considerably abusive towards me in a number of ways, because of her own trauma and untreated mental illness. On top of that she was very absent from my life during everything else I went through, and was often the reason that other abusers would be let into my life.

For the past 2 years or so, I've been working on acknowledging this abuse, due to years and years of my family's gaslighting and belittling my feelings about it all. In August, I moved back in with my mom after a year and a half living with my dad and stepmom, due to her healing enough to see me as an equal, and the fact I became aware of my stepmom's abusive behavior and couldn't handle it anymore. Life has been better than ever for me since I moved back.

She's supportive, and way way way less overbearing and intense. Many members of my system have been able to kindle a relationship with her much like a mother and child SHOULD have, and it started getting really fucking hard to conceptualize that it ever wasn't this way. It's almost like my brain was just waiting for her to be stable enough to latch entirely onto the good, and bury the bad deep down within other alters. I don't know if this is a result of the gaslighting, but even all the processing I had done at my dad's feels non-existent, let alone the trauma itself I had been trying to process. Everything has just been fine forever, suddenly. Which would be great, if I wasnt still having cptsd symptoms, and wasn't still dealing with the disproportionately strong emotions of my alters. I'm just always stuck invalidating my own pain, due to our now relationship, and can't seem to find it in me to say she's an abusive person or would ever do that stuff to me. I'm always normalizing it so it doesn't feel like trauma anymore, too

I just can't seem to find a middle ground, where I'm able to listen to my alters when they say my mom in the past was abusive, and at the same time continue to forgive my mom in the present. I don't know if this is something I can do anything about without therapy, but it's immensely hindering any progress I'm making within my own system and with my (not specialized) therapist, so if you have any advice or just, consolation of normalcy, that would be great

- The Horizon

Hi The Horizon,

I'm sorry about what y'all have been through.

It can be hard to reconcile how to feel about our abusers, especially when they're someone we love or is supposed to protect us. It's normal and okay to have mixed feelings towards your mom.

I also just want to say that while your mom's trauma and undiagnosed mental illness may have influenced her abuse towards you, abuse is ultimately a choice one makes independent of other factors. The fact that trauma and mental illness don't necessarily make someone abusive goes to show that being abusive doesn't really have to do with either of those things. There is no excuse for abuse, and there's no excuse for being mistreated.

The gaslighting could definitely be a factor, and I think part of it may also be that she is your mom, and so part of you may be yearning for that affection so desperately as to try and dismiss the history of abuse. I think therapy can help you and your system work on figuring out how to reconcile the present situation with what has happened. Please know that however you feel about your mom is valid.

I think it's also worth considering the fact that you don't have to forgive your mom, and you can still heal and/or maintain a healthy relationship with her.

Please know that what happened is worth acknowledging, the pain and trauma y'all carry is worth acknowledging, and you are a valid survivor.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if y'all need anything.

-Bun

[lukaawrites]

Angel on a Bridge

Hey,

Just a little tw before you read: This story contains suicide attempts!!

Please stop reading if it triggers you .

__________________________________

My mother thinks I just went for a walk. If only she knew...If only she knew her only daughter is standing on the edge of a bridge trying to end her failure of a life. The sky looks beautiful tonight...

,,Good evening."

I gasp in shock. I didnt expect someone here.

,,The sky's so beautiful tonight, isnt it?"

I turn my head and see an old woman leaning next to me on the rail. She doesnt realize what I am about to do, does she?

,,Y-yeah sure..." I say carefully. I dont want her to find out why I am standing up here.

,,Enjoying your view up there, my dear? It must be breathtaking. I would join you if I wasnt so old and fragile already."

Her little laughter breaks my heart. She really doesnt understand it. If only she knew I didnt come here to just admire the sunset. I take a deep breath and sit down on the rail.

,,Dont, darling."

,,W-what?"

,,Dont jump."

My heart skips a beat.

,,I- I didnt-"

She smiles softly but still serious.

,,Please, my child, dont try to trick me. Im an old lady who has seen more than you can imagine. I know what you were actually here for."

I start to tear up.

,,May I?"

I look at her as she askes for my permission to put her hand on my back. I nod.

For a moment I just sit there as she softly strokes my back.

,,Its not worth it, darling."

,,No, no.."

I whisper as the painful tone of my voice gets more and more lost in the deep river of my tears.

For a little while we dont speak. I even close my eyes secretly hoping the lady will leave if I stay like this a little longer.

,,You dont really want to do this."

These words do something to me I wish they didnt.

,,H-How would you know? You dont know me!"

I start to panic. But why??

,,Yes, youre right. I do not know you. I dont know what brought you here tonight, why you are giving up on yourself, I dont even know your name."

Her voice is as soft and natural as if this was a common conversation and that scares me.

,,But let me tell you, my dear child, that I know you dont want to do this."

I start shaking my head pretty heavily.

,,No, I-"

,,In the moment it feels like the solution but its not. It clearly isnt the solution to anything. You are only making things worse. Maybe not for you but for anyone else and isnt this the greatest pain? To know youre leaving all your loved ones forever hurt behind?"

She looks at me intensely.

,,This is not the end. This shouldnt be the end. This wont be the end, love. There is so much more to life you havent found yet. But you will. And it will be better than your tiny mind can imagine right now."

I bury my head into my hands and I start to sob. How does she know it will become better?

,,Youre not alone. You know why?"

She takes in a deep breath and I sense something inside her has to bring up all the courage to go on.

,,I've been there aswell. Right here. Right at this bridge. I've stood right here on the edge. I was 18 years old by the time. I felt like I had nothing left anymore because my best friend had died six months before, my parents hated each other and fought all the time completely forgetting about me. I thought this was the only right thing to do."

She inhales and exhales deeply before she goes on.

,,But there was something that told me not to jump. But it was not a foreign old lady."

She chuckles softly.

,,I never told anyone before what- well- who actually saved me but I think you deserve to know.

The moment- right before I was about to jump- I felt a hand on my back. It didnt feel like a human's hand. And it wasnt a humans hand. I thought I was going crazy but I wasnt. I turned around and there she was. The ghost of my late best friend was the one who saved me."

Tears are falling down my cheeks. I cant believe she told me, a completely strange girl, such a personal and dramatic story.

,,She looked deep into my soul and I heard her voice deep in my head saying: 'Dont go, Hallie. Remember? You have to live on for me. You promised.' I remember breaking down sobbing. She made me realise I am not allowed to end it. And so arent you, my lovely child."

,,I'm sorry, ma'am. I am sorry this happened to you too. I am sorry you had to see me tonight. I didnt mean to hurt you."

,,I am glad I saw you. I am glad I changed your mind."

She looks at me like she expects me to say something specific. I take a look inside my head. The voice that led me to this is gone. I still feel helpless and lost but suddenly I dont want to end me anymore.

So I close my eyes and take a few deep breathes.

,,Yes."

I say with a strong voice.

,,Yes, you did change my mind."

She takes my hands into hers.

,,You are stronger than you think. Everything I just told you happened exactly 54 years today. I've came back here on this exact day for the last 53 years because its the place where I was saved by the person I loved the most and it was the place where I was shown that its not over. That its not the end. And look at me.

I am here, I survived."

Author's note: If you're struggling with suicidal thoughts or any kind of mental illness I want you to know you're not alone! Just like the old lady in the story there is always someone who relates to you, who understands you and cares about you. Even if it doesn't seem like it in the very moment there are people who love you and who need you.

I am so proud of you, whoever reads this, I am so damn proud of you for still being here.

Searching for help does not make you weak!

If everything feels hopeless there are numbers to call.