#she was reading ice breaker it had to be done

[darkdemeter]

WOLF AT YOUR DOOR

◤✘WANDA MAXIMOFF COLUMN | Wanda Maximoff x Werewolf! GN/Female/Male Reader ISSUE NO.#1

NOTES: ↳ I thought that this idea would be my smut ice breaker after it popped into my head when listening to some music. I have written smut before but it's been a while, especially in a form for others to read; so please excuse me if I'm a little rusty. This isn't exactly tied to anything particular regarding either Habits or Convict, but you may interpret this x reader however you wish. Have fun with the oneshot! I've tried to keep this as both descriptive and gender neutral as possible, but it may not be as on par with people who have become well accustomed to writing gn smut. WARNINGS! ↳ Enemies to lovers trope — profanity — wounded reader, mention of scars and blood — semi dom! Wanda and sub! reader & reversal — smut 18+, minors DNI** — angry/aggressive sex — dry humping — bondage — hinted breeding kink — semi-clothed sex — fingering and mouth oral receiving (Wanda recieving) — Wanda is just a tease to reader — maybe dubious consent? (I feel like I should put this in here, just to be safe) — minor choking — talk of marking — potential grammar and punctuation errors — I think that's it? SUMMARY: ↳ Of course this had to happen right before this mission. Wanda Maximoff had to pry inside your mind, searching for who knows what, the little witch did this to you. And now you will cash in on your promise - your one and only warning to her if she ever fucked with your mind: that you'll be a wolf at her door. Little do you know that you're a wolf walking into a trap.

✎ 4.2k

@alexawynters

↳ WANDA MAXIMOFF TAGLISTS

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‘Fucking dammit!’

You cringe to hide the snarl snaking up your throat, your palm harshly pressing into the bullet wound at your shoulder. A real fucking close call this time and all because of her. Yes, everything would have been fine had Wanda not pried into your mind, invaded the personal sanctity of your thoughts. 

But no. No, she had to just take a little peek didn’t she? And because of that, your mind was elsewhere - distracted - and your cover was blown before you could get the information you needed. In short, the mission was a complete fucking bust. Your report will undoubtedly be met by less than impressed superiors. When they brought you on, they expected the job done. 

It was your way to operate. You always got the job done successfully. Has Wanda purposely sabotaged you? Is that her goal?

You’re planning to confront her on the matter right now. You had stumbled all the way back to the compound because the car you took there was blown to pieces when you were compromised. Tony wasn’t going to be very pleased about that either. Shit, it’s like she’s trying to get everyone against you. 

‘Who does she think she is? Fucking me over like this!’

You enter the compound, the main level vacant except the night shift receptionist. She glances up at you and the sheer gasp of horror from her, you point a finger at her. “I’m fucking fine,” you snarl as you strut past her. Your hand leaves your shoulder to the large cut across your stomach. You allow a pained whimper to escape when you enter the privacy of the elevator to take you up to your chosen floor. 

Your ears ring in the deafening silence, breath fast paced and light. The wounds were of no dire measure to pay a trip to the medical ward. They only fuelled your anger towards Wanda. Ever since you first joined the team, Wanda always had a way to test your limits and push your buttons. 

It was just a common sight to see you both butting heads, whether that was during missions or at the compound. You both were always at each other, hackles raised and snarky comments. Of course, what was your conflict but a cover up to fatal attraction? That was the running theory of your fellow teammates, anyway. Never would you admit anything to them in any case. 

Wanda was a pain in your arse as much as you were a mongrel to her. 

Ah, that word: mongrel. Wanda favoured the use of that word for you. It was her name for you. The way you feel the fur beneath your skin bristle each time she calls you that is the reason why you now have to wear a shock collar. Anytime that the device would detect your body’s indicating factors of shifting, the shock would startle you and evade the transformation. 

Was it humane? No, not really. But did it give Wanda the power to only torment you further without repercussions? You fucking bet it did. 

The elevator pings and the doors open with a faint whoosh as you arrive on your floor. You immediately make your way towards her dormitory, which by incident, is temporarily yours as well. 

There was a small situation last week that left your own dormitory in such a wreck that Tony had you bunk with Wanda until he could fix and reinstate stronger materials to withstand your rage episodes. 

And you have only one person to blame for that particular incident. 

Your fist pounds on the door enough to shake it against the hinges. Your key didn’t work. She had the security chain engaged to keep you out. You can hear her inside, her voice is soft and fuck, if it didn’t aggravate you anymore than you already were it surely made something in your abdomen twitch and churn. 

‘That little–’

“Wanda!” you bark behind bared teeth, fangs pronounced in the mix of your frustration, you pound on the door again. “Open this fucking door, now!”

After a moment, and she was taking her time, you can hear the leisurely patter of her feet as she opens the door for you. She stands before you and the scent hits you. For a few seconds it disorientates you, you huff to regain control of your senses. 

“You fucking bitch,” you rasp, voice laced with your utter disdain for the woman who stood in your way; blocking your path. 

Her eyes were smirking first before the corner of her lips twitched into position. “How was the mission, mongrel?”

“A bust, thanks to you.” You growl down at her as you brush beside her to let yourself in. She closes and locks the door. 

“Why’d you do it, Wanda?” You watch her as she walks past you. When she doesn’t answer, you snatch hold of her wrist as you ask her again, tone far more venomous than before. 

“I didn’t do anything.” She pulls her wrist from your grip and continues on her merry way.

“Don’t you fucking lie to me, witch! You did it on purpose, I know you did.” You point at her accusingly, the shake in your arm causes a streak of pain to shoot through your shoulder and you yelp. You press a blood stained glove to it again, teeth clenched hard that your jaw flexes. 

Wanda holds up her hands in mock surrender. “Right, blame me, of course that’s the logical thing to do. You just can’t admit that you failed to do the job.”

That’s struck a deep nerve because you’re pulled away from your original plan to grab a glass and your whiskey and head for the shower. Instead, you engage Wanda. Your hands encircle her wrists and the entirety of your body pins her against the back of the couch. 

The aftershock of the collar is a distant sting in the heat of the moment. Wanda is close, so close against you that with a breathy intake of air, her breasts push up into your ribcage. She eyes the vibrant hue of your glowing eyes. 

Still, she silently denies she had anything to do with it. Did she do it on purpose? You have to know.

“You– you read my fucking mind, Maximoff!” you hiss your accusation, “I told you to keep your magic away from there, but no, you had to go poking around.” 

Your hands move to grip her forearms and for the first time ever, she flinches. Your breath hitches in your throat and the glow dissipates from your eyes. 

There was much more you wanted to say. But the way her body flinched beneath your iron grip, how for a sliver of a second you swear you saw the ember of fear. Did you really scare her?

But then why did she smell like that?

‘Fuck, she smells like…’

With a deep breath through your nose, you lean forward until your lips brush the shell of her ear. “Stay out of my head, Maximoff.”

‘No.’

The glow returns to your eyes and the urge to shift right there crawls beneath, it feels like your skin is on fire. The collar whirrs in warning to keep your transformation at bay, lest you need another shocking reminder.

“Wanda–”

“So you’re really going to ignore the fact you heard me moaning your name before?” You hear the challenge in her light, accented voice.

The animalistic growl in your throat ceases immediately, eyes wide and despite your dominating position, you feel like the one under her. She smirks again. “Come on, what’s wrong?” 

She arches her neck - baring it to you - as she tries to press her lips to your own ear. She whispers with a sultry purr. “Don’t you want to mark me anymore, Wolf?”

Now it was your turn to be the one that flinches. Why is she doing this?

You retract yourself swiftly as if she caused you some semblance of physical pain that made you release her. In some form, she did. That pang of arousal deep within you begins to awaken and you don’t like the smug look on her face as she sits herself up. 

She tries to act cute and innocent when she is anything but that. But her eyes compel you with the flutter of her dark lashes. Was she casting a spell on you?

You back off slowly, eyes trained on her as she takes one step forward. Then another. And another few after that. You watch her hand gingerly play with the tight knot of her short, silky bathrobe. Only now did you realise exactly how short it was on her, the hem of it grazing just above the middle of her thighs. No wonder her scent was so strong, there were barely any layers to conceal it.

She wanted this to happen.

“You know what they say about us,” she tries but you’re quick to shut it down. “There is nothing between us.” Your conviction is absolute on the matter. Even if there was a hint of attraction towards the woman in front of you, surely the others would have something to say about it; all of which would disapprove. You’d not gained a wisdom linking you to your supposed mate which gave you ample opportunity to sleep with whoever and however many you wanted. 

But you never did. You continue to stare at Wanda, unblinking with a narrowed gaze. She shakes her head. Of course, she isn’t going to take your word for it easily. No, like always, she would fight you over it. 

“But you want there to be.” She sounds so sure of herself. She is still stalking towards you. When did you become a prey and her the hunter? You give no response and this only gives her more power to do as she sees fit. 

“If it weren’t for that collar around your neck, you would have me bent over the couch right now.” You hold a hand out as you call for her to stop. She halts in her advance, head tilting to the side like a confused puppy. She flutters those lashes again and your breath feels heavy, swollen because of your conflicted arousal and confusion. 

“That is one of your fantasies, isn’t it?”

“I said stop,” you warn, slowly lowering your hand, “whatever you’re playing at right now, I want no part.” You see her lips fall open as she offers a toothy grin. “I’m just trying to understand why you fight this.”

“I’m not fighting anything,” you say quickly with a shake of your head. “No?” she purrs lowly with a quirk of her brow. Shrugging, she raises a hand up. “Then you won’t fight this.” 

The ambient glow of her magic orbits around her hand as she swipes her arm to the side. Your brows furrow and mouth falls agape, the clicking of your belt looped around your tactical pants is quick before the strap of leather is flying to the side, to some forgotten corner of the common area. 

Your eyes that bore witness to your belt coming undone fly up to meet Wanda’s, a protest on the tip of your tongue, you’re stopped short when you’re knocked back. Your arse, which you expect to get planted on the floor, is instead caught by one of the dining table’s chairs. Your arms are restrained by her magic to keep them pinned behind you.

“W-Wanda, what are you–”

She shushes you while she catches up to you, her steps slow and methodical. Her stare penetrates the darkest recess of your soul and you recoil beneath it. The pain of your wounds as they begin their process of healing are long forgotten now. You have other things to worry about, how much Wanda actually knows about you and what she intends to do with you. 

“I want you to admit it,” she hums in a low whisper that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand. She was playing on your fantasies. The fucking witch. 

“Admit what?” You force the words out through the biting of your clenched jaws.

“That there is something between us. That each time we fight it’s because we’re denying that attraction. That the wolf needs me to satiate its appetite because we both know I am the only thing that can.” 

Wanda stands between the gap of your spread legs, she swipes her hand quickly and the lapels of your coat and tactical vest are torn open by the will of her magic. You exhale sharply, a growl pulling through your teeth as you glare at Wanda between the narrowed slits of your eyes. She drinks in the sight of your bare chest before her, the way each of the muscles flex beneath the skin, the heat of your body practically rising off your skin like hot springs. The red streaks of blood from your wound peeking out just beneath the fabric of your gear.

“Wanda.” You’re panting now, anger turned into the vulnerability that was your aroused state of mind. 

That was why you never gave into those temptations. Why you dismiss that flirtatious bartender at every turn whenever she sees you in that bar, why those who have asked for your number, you give them either the number of some Chinese takeout restaurant or even one of your teammates. 

The threat of such vulnerability and intimacy was too great of a target on your back. She moves to straddle your lap, hands pressed to your exposed chest. 

“Admit it,” she says again and you snarl at her. “Never! There’s nothing to admit!” 

She giggles then and rolls her hips forward and down against your crotch. 

“F-fuck!” you stutter, your arms and chest strain forward but Wanda has you contained. Trapped. Like some common dog. A mongrel. 

“Still nothing between us?” she asks, voice laden with a soft whimper, her purpose is to make you crack; to give in and admit to everything she knows. As if lying would spurn her when she knows the truth. 

Why does she want you to admit it so badly? Because she wants to torment you, it’s so simple. 

“N-no,” you grunt only to hiss beneath your breath when she rolls her hips again, this time with more pressure. You swear you feel the pulsing of her clit against the coarse fabric of your pants. 

You do all you can to refrain from bucking your hips or else you were done for. 

“So you mean to tell me that you haven’t fantasised about…,” she trails off with a pout of her lips, feigning that innocent look of contemplation. “For fuck’s sake,” you drawl as your head falls back. 

She’s killing you. Slowly but surely she is killing you. 

She continues, “being out here in the kitchen, late at night, drinking your whiskey alone before I come out here in a short, little bathrobe…” 

‘Oh… fuck.’ 

That was a recent fantasy.

Her fingers drag down the ravine of your heated skin on show for her to then fiddle with the two threads that held her bathrobe together. “Wearing this?” You shouldn’t have looked but fucking hell, you were always the a little too curious for your own good. 

She’s tugged the knot loose and lets the silky fabric roll off her shoulders and down to her elbows. If this was all to be considered as some strange, aroused induced coincidence then that is out the window now. Because there is no fucking way she knew to pick a lingerie set in your favourite colour. 

You tilt your chin toward her only slightly and let your glowing eyes take in her form. The moment she arches her neck the slightest is when you lose it. 

You lunge your neck forward, your canines bared and at the ready to mark the junction between neck and shoulder, to litter her neck with dark bruises so she wouldn’t be able to hide them. But you’re stopped short yet again in your advance. Her magic prevents you, mere inches away. To top it all off, she chuckles. 

She’s cracked you.

You growl, the sound husky and deep in your chest. 

“Fucking– let me–” Your muscles strain and flex as you fight the barrier of her magic to no avail. She tuts you softly, moving herself slightly forward so that her arms push her breasts up to elevate her cleavage to become more pronounced. Damn her. She continues to roll her hips in a slowed motion, riding you out into your confession. 

“Shall I continue?”

“No!” The single word sends a thrilling chill down her spine. “Then admit it.”

“No,” you answer again, this time with a more levelled tone. 

Her fingers move to the fly of your pants as you let out a confused whine as she loosens them slightly. Her palm presses flush against the junction between your thighs and you moan. And that sound is the most exquisite sound Wanda has ever heard you make. For a battle-hardened wolf, wild and untamed and a proven danger to the public, nobody would suspect that you were capable of such noises. But Wanda knew. 

Her palm is small in comparison to you, and as much force as she uses now there is a level of delicacy she retains. Your resolve is crumbling quickly. You jolt forward again with your mouth ajar to mark her but she stops you and arches back. 

“Let me have you!” 

“I’ll let you have me, play out all your little fantasies with me. But I want you to indulge in mine, first. So… admit it and I’m all yours.” 

Was she fucking serious? This is her fantasy? Well, you never expected her to be into something like this. “Ah, fuck…” She hears your mumbling, any moment now you are about to surrender. 

She just needs to push that last little bit. 

“Just think about it, Wolf,” she whispers, lips dancing over yours, one of her hands placing a single finger between your lips to keep them from meeting. “I’m all yours if you just say it. Tell me what I want to hear, and you can have your little midnight snack right here. You can have me over the couch, in the shower and in your bed until the tousled sheets smell of nothing but sex.” 

Fuck, where did she learn to talk so filthy? 

“I can’t,” you say behind a heavy pant. She whines quietly in your ear as her other hand that’s palming you stops, but her hips continue to roll against that sensitive region. At this point, you’re chasing your climax right there. Who knows if she will keep to her word after she indulges in her twisted fantasy. 

You shift your eyes to watch her hand that rests between your bodies and you almost lose yourself to your high. Her hand dips beneath the lacey fabric of her lingerie, her fingers sliding over her folds and thumb rolling her clit in circles; all of which is left to the beauty of your imagination.

“Wanda, don’t test me!” Your words are a command; a warning that she doesn’t heed. “But this is a test.” Your brows furrow, confusion etched into your face. “To see if you can be broken in.”

Was that all you were to her? Something to be broken in?

She begins to make those sounds again. The same chorus of moans and pleas with your name as a choked gasp on the edge of her vocals. You overheard her masturbating when you first banged on the door to be let in. 

And she was doing it to the thought of you.

“Wanda!” you hiss, your hips finally buck up to meet the hunger of her own that roll with such fervour, you believe she was so close to getting off right there in your lap. “Y/N, oh f-fuck, Y/N!” she gasps out, “right there, just like that– oh shit!” 

“Fuck, I admit it!” 

Everything stops all at once and your chest heaves numerous times. The air is thick to your lungs and each intake makes you feel like you’re drowning more than anything. Wanda stares at you, silently, her eyes searching yours when you finally look back at her beneath that wolfish glare. How that stare made her wet in her panties every time. 

“That wasn’t so hard now, was it?” You scowl at her teasing words. The moment you feel her magic cease is when you pin her against the dining table behind her. She props herself up on her elbows, the loose fabric of her robe still clinging to her form but she was exposed in that cute lingerie set.

Like a hungry wolf, your tongue licks over your teeth and along the top of your lips. You groan as her aroused scent wafts up, the smell irresistible. 

“You’re a damn tease, you know that?” She chuckles beneath her airy breaths. “It was the only way to get you to confess.”

Your hand clasps hold of her throat. Oh, how you love the look of fear and lust on her face all at once. It was a sight only you would get to see. “And I have a million ways to ruin you,” you growl lowly, “now you’re in my fantasy, Maximoff and if you have any idea what you’ve gotten yourself into by letting the wolf at your door inside, then you know I’m always rough.”

“I’m counting on it,” she wheezes behind the firm pressure you apply to her throat. “Good. Now keep them spread, Maximoff or you’ll learn what rough is real quick.” 

She does as you say and spreads her legs open and you sink to your knees, even then given your height difference, you are at perfect level with her soaked cunt, the large, dark patch evident of how badly she wanted this all along. This whole time. 

Your clawed fingers none too gently rip the panties aside, fabric tearing from the sheer force of it. Wanda’s hands find themselves clenching fistfuls of your hair, tugging you in closer with a needy whimper of your name.

Her legs hook over your shoulders, mewling when you pepper her inner thighs with kisses and playful bites with your sharp canines, a rumble of a groan reverberating between her legs causes her to quiver. “Y/N, please!” she pleads. 

“Ooh, what’s this?” you chuckle, “don’t worry, Sweetheart, I’ll give you a taste.”

You slide a finger past her slick folds, her walls tighten around your single digit. You groan when her moan makes her pussy clench your finger tighter. “Shit, Wanda, I’ve barely done a thing yet.”

“Then do something!” she hisses and you give her that same, wolfish glare. “D-don’t look at me like– ahh!”

She is at your mercy now when you begin thrusting your finger back and forth, soon adding another two through the folds. She whines and moans, cursing your name and praising your work. When you pull your now slick covered fingers from her pussy, she tries to protest but the replacement is swift; and in her lust-ridden opinion, far better. Her eyes roll back and she lays flat on her back against the table as your tongue laps at her cunt, tip teasing the bud of nerves. You growl again and fuck, if she didn’t make the sexiest, neediest sound ever at that. You continue with what’s working at getting your little witch off. Her breath comes in short pants and her legs quiver as they move to circle around your head. Her fingers curl tighter against your roots as she chokes out, “I-I’m cum–cumming!”

You purr against the flood of her orgasm, lapping her divine juices up with your tongue. She breathes heavily for a moment in regaining her composure. You pull your head, albeit, struggling to pry her hands and legs from around you, you crash your lips against hers. The kiss is passionate, fuelled by hunger shared by both parties. Her mouth invites you and you gladly force your tongue past her parted lips, letting her taste herself on your tongue. 

You rut your hips between her still spread legs and they envelop you, encouraging the rocking motion with eagerness. “I still fucking hate that you read my mind and all,” you mumble into the kiss. 

‘Even when I say that I've also thought about carrying your pups?’

Your smirk with a coarse chuckle, dark in its intentions and your eyes glow that colour that brings Wanda to her knees. “Naughty witch, don’t test me there. Those will be my pups you're swollen with.” 

She tilts her head again but this time, you see no intent to tease in her eyes. No intent to…

“This isn’t a test.”

Fucking hell, that wolfish smirk of yours could make anyone wet at the drop of a hat. Too bad for others, because Wanda had you wrapped around her witchy, little finger that danced with magic.

Magic that just so happens to unlock the shackle around your neck. Well, the wolf at the door is now off its chain.

[themusingsofacurlyhairednerd]

Wicked Games

Assassin!Reader x Poly!Feysand

Author's note: This is my first self-insert and first smut, wanted to try something new for a change. Not proof-read, we die like men.

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This mission was supposed to be simple, quick. In and out, cut and dry, the job coming in like all the others: A manila envelope under your door, no markings, the target and order inside. That was how it had always been, how it always would be, it was the only thing you knew to be true. So how in the Seven Hells had you ended up here? The High Lord leaned against the wall, his well pressed shirt open half way down his chest, the swirl of Illyrian ink in stark contrast to his bronze skin, so casual in the face of what should have been his own demise. Worse, the High Lady, perched atop the desk, her bare legs bouncing against the wood as she kicked her feet almost giddily. Neither of them looked displeased with the fact that you had been sent there to kill them. In fact, you were quite sure the infamous Curse Breaker was laughing at you as you squirmed uncomfortably in your seat. They hadn't even tied you down! It was starting to feel like an insult, they way they'd simply ushered you in here and asked you to sit like you'd come in for a meeting and not for the poison you'd slipped into their wine minutes before.

"It was a valiant effort, really," said Rhysand as he pushed away from the wall and came to stand behind you.

It was impossible not to be aware of the sheer power of him when he was this close. It was like a dropping a stone into a pond, the ripple of star-kissed power brushing steadily against you. You'd been around powerful males your whole life, had been trained to kill many of them, but none had ever felt like this. He was the shadow of a thought in your mind, a brush of darkness against your skin, you could practically taste jasmine and citrus.

Feyre was no better as she placed her elbows on her knees and leaned forward to get a better look at you. The dress she wore was cut low, the neckline plunging towards her midsection, accentuating every curve when she sat like that. Power radiated off her, not just Night, but something other, as if something beyond the power of the High Lords prowled beneath her skin.

"Not many people dare try," she said with a grin. She'd been the one to catch you. It had been a mistake going for her first, you could see that clearly now. The decision to spike their wine and than disguise yourself as their new cupbearer was already a risky move, but you liked to be absolutely sure the job was done, and done right. And Feyre hadn't taken her throne, she had been perched in Rhysand's lap, kissing his neck and whispering in his ear as she drank cup after cup. You'd thought she would be too drunk to notice the change in taste, too caught up in the revelry to even notice that you were not their usual cup bearer. You had been very, very wrong. She hadn't even gone in for a sip, had somehow been using her public display of affection to distract from the fact that she'd slipped right into your mind and seen exactly what you had done. And still, she could have killed you right there, could have summoned water or flames or ice and you'd heard she could do and taken you out in front of everyone in the Court of Nightmares. But she'd gotten out of Rhysand's lap, stumbling on heels you thought were too tall for her, and thrown an arm around your shoulder, whispering in your ear that she needed your help finding the bathroom--and knocking the spiked drinks out of your hands in the process. It was very clear to you now that she had never been drunk in the first place.

Neither of them were anything like the report you'd gotten.

"I-" what was there to say? Words felt useless.

Rhysand leaned down, resting the bulk of his weight on the back of the chair, his lips dangerously close to your ear. "So who do I get to thank for sending you?"

You shivered at his proximity, at his warm breath over the shell of your ear. Not many people dared to get this close to you; not many people got the better of you like this either. This was certainly a lot of firsts.

When you gave no response, Feyre said, "Don't be shy."

They were likely to rip the answer right out of your skull with those terrifying daemati powers if you kept your mouth shut, or worse, summon that Shadowsinger you'd seen lurking around the halls earlier. "I don't know."

Rhysand made a disappointed sound from where he still hovered by your ear. You refused to try and turn to look at him, refused to acknowledge that you had even heard him.

Feyre jumped off the top of the desk, her stilettoes clicking against the polished marble floors. "Now, now, don't make this difficult for yourself."

"Your secret is safe with us," Rhysand said mockingly.

"I don't know! I get my orders in the mail. There's never a return address or signature."

"Where's the mail?"

"I burned it."

"Well in that case," his voice was the only warning before you felt something scrape against your mental shields. You tried to throw more walls up as a talon slashed across your mind, but it was not Rhysand that slipped past, but Feyre, quick and quite as the huntress they said she used to be. She laughed as she sprinted through your memories, all attempts at shielding useless as Rhysand kept poking at what little shields you had up to distract you. They were the perfect team, synced to perfection, each move calculated and sharpened.

Feyre stepped into the memory of you opening the envelope as simply as if she had stepped through a doorway. The memory unfolded for her, you saw your own hands break the seal, open the letter, and burn it in a flash, before reality broke back through. You shook your head, fighting the memory away like it was a spot in your eye.

"That handwriting looked familiar, didn't it, Darling," Rhysand purred, the low timber of his voice rumbling in your ear.

"How thoughtful of Keir to give us an Anniversary gift," Feyre returned.

Keir. You only knew the stories about him, what a horrible male he was. You'd been lucky to have not been born in the Court of Nightmares like your mother, had grown up only with the tales of what kind of place this was. Your mother had protected you for as long as she could, but when Amarantha had come, when war bands had fought and bickered over land in the little territory she and your father had managed to make for themselves... well, they were gone and you'd had to find a way to survive, but you hadn't forgotten those stories. Your stomach twisted. This job had never been easy, but it had never been for males like Kier. At least, you'd never thought so.

You must have looked surprised because Feyre put two manicured fingers under your chin and tilted your head up to look at you. Something wicked gleamed in those strikingly blue eyes and you quickly blurted, "I swear I didn't know! I needed the money, I didn't know the job was from him."

"We believe you," she said. "But I think you should prove you're worth letting go."

You swallowed the lump in your throat. "I'll do anything!"

Rhysand chuckled at that. "Anything?"

The suggestiveness in the question made you shiver, more so when the High Lady broke into a grin. That couldn't be a good sign.

"I want to see Keir sweat a little, don't you dear?" Feyre asked over your head to her mate.

"More than just a little, I should think."

This felt like a fever dream, everything a little distorted and muffled. Perhaps it was. You had hit your head pretty hard on your last mission. How else could you explain what was happening here?

"Stand," Feyre ordered.

You did as you were told, even if you were biting the inside of your cheek.

"So responsive," Rhysand said, more to Feyre than you.

You frowned at that.

Feyre stepped closer to you, settling her hands on your hips. There was no room to twist away as her mate settled in behind you, the heat radiating off him seeping through your shirt. They even moved in perfect sync.

Nowhere to run now.

"You're going to play our favorite game with us."

Game? The reports hadn't said anything about them liking games.

"I don't understand-"

Rhysand cut you off, "Just follow our lead."

Feyre gave your hips a squeeze, "It's fun, trust me."

You didn't know what this had to do about proving you had made a mistake in taking this job, but you didn't know what other choice you had, so you just nodded.

They led you back into the throne room, the night's revelry still in full swing. Near the back, where the tables were still piled high with food, was Keir, the aging steward speaking conspiratorially with some of the other high ranking officials of the Court. Did he know already that you had failed? If he did, he didn't show it. He didn't so much as look up from his conversation.

Something hot twisted in your stomach at the sight of him. How could you have taken a job for a male like him?

Feyre pulled your thoughts away from him as she pulled you over to the dais, where their thrones sat empty. Even though Keir wasn't paying attention, others in the crowd were.

You swallowed thickly as Rhysand slid into his rightful seat, looking every bit the High Lord he was. Feyre didn't resume her seat in his lap, however, this time she perched on the arm rest, and guided you into her former place.

Your cheeks heated, mouth dry as the High Lord looped a strong arm around your waist and positioned you more comfortable on his lap, one long leg slotting between your own.

Feyre chucked at your obvious embarrassment. "Now now, you said you'd do anything." She said into your mind.

You dared a glance at her. This wasn't what you'd meant!

"This game is much more fun if you relax," Rhys purred as he dragged his nose over your throat looking for a place to sink his teeth.

You shivered despite yourself, the warmth of him seeping into you.

Feyre gripped your chin in her hand, forcing your gaze away from where it had wandered into the crowd. Keir still wasn't paying attention, but more and more people were halting their dancing and drinking to leer at this new pet their High Lord and Lady had brought back with them.

"Eyes on us."

Rhysand's hand slid over your hip and down to your thigh. The servant's garb you'd borrowed was a thin pair of pants, and a large, hooded sweater, not the sexy, revealing gown the High Lady donned, but you still couldn't help but feel incredibly vulnerable in this position.

How were you supposed to know what to do? How was this proving you could be trusted not to take another job from Keir? Was that fool even looking this way?

Rhysand nipped at the underside of your jaw and you jumped, thoughts careening away from Keir and whatever he was doing. The High Lord's breath was warm on your neck, each nip he left along your jaw sending shivers down your spine. It was an effort to keep your eyes open, to not immediately tilt your head back against his shoulder and let him explore every inch of you as you submitted fully to him. He could make you, if he wanted, it would be all too easy for him to reach inside your mind and move you however he wanted. You'd be a liar if you said the thought didn't excite you. The thought of handing yourself over to someone with that kind of power, testing to see what they'd do with it was more tempting than you'd ever dare say aloud. And maybe the High Lady had heard those thoughts, because a moment later, she was threading her hands through your hair and tilting your head back to let Rhysand explore further.

You whimpered softly as he ran his tongue over your pulse point and then Feyre was leaning in and nipping at the other side of your neck. It was too much at once, the overwhelming scent and warmth of them had you leaning fully into Rhysand's shoulder, eyes closing. One of their hands slid under your shirt, stroking at your side, you thought it might be Feyre, but didn't dare open your eyes to look, lest this really be a dream and you'd awake alone.

"Good girl," Rhysand praised. Somehow, even in your head his voice was low and husky. His hand slid further up your thigh, testing as he drew closer to your core. The move had you squirming and Feyre responded by dragging her hand from underneath your shirt to hold your hips down. There was no escaping either of them.

You still weren't sure how you ended up in this position, but you no longer cared. All you knew was this, them, and how much more of them you needed. Distantly you wondered if this was some daemati trick, if they had slipped into your mind and convinced you to do this. You decided you didn't care if they had, not as Feyre's lips were on yours, her tongue sliding past your teeth. There wasn't a hint of wine on her lips, despite all you'd seen her drink earlier. How she did that was anyone's guess.

Rhys drew circles on the inside of your thigh with his fingers, teasing you now as he continued to nip at your throat. There'd be marks in the morning, of that you were certain.

Feyre broke apart abruptly, laughing as you chased after her. "I think she likes this game of ours."

"Shall we play some more?"

You could play it all night if they wanted. There was something intoxicating about the two of them that had you desperate for any scrap of affection they could give you.

"Yes!" You said it faster than you intended, a blush creeping it's way back up your cheeks as you realized how pathetic it sounded, especially to two high fae. "Please."

Feyre leaned over you to kiss Rhys this time, intentionally pressing herself forward so her chest brushed up against you. You arched up to press your lips against her collar bones, too scared to go lower. She hummed approvingly into Rhy's mouth and he rewarded you by dragging his hand the rest of the way up your thigh, cupping your core through your pants. You were desperate for friction now, grinding your hips into his palm, even as your lips continued to work of Feyre's collarbones. She smelled so good! Her skin soft under your lips. You wanted the time to run your lips over the smattering of freckles she'd gotten while hunting in the summer time.

Rhys' free hand slid into your hair, pulling tight as he whispered in your ear, "No marks on your High Lady. Not without my permission, understand?"

If you were of any sound mind you might have been tempted to scrape your teeth across her throat, just to see what he would do, but you knew you weren't lucky enough to get away with it after everything that had happened already. "Yes, sir."

His dark laugh rumbled in his chest, the vibrations sending shivers down your spine. This was a very dangerous game, far more dangerous than any assassination attempt had ever been. Dangerous, because, for once, you were enjoying it and enjoying anything in this line of work got you in trouble.

Feyre leaned back, out of your reach, and still held by Rhys' arm around your waist, it was impossible to reach out after her. Especially now that the High lord had decided he didn't like the article of clothing between his hand and you, and was reaching for the waistband of your pants.

The blush returned tenfold. This--touching, kissing, in front of all these people was one thing, but that?

The High Lady pouted as she looked at you, her eyes lust-blown, so dark you almost couldn't see the blue. "I think you have too much on."

Before you could contemplate what that meant, she snapped her fingers and your sweater disappeared entirely.

You tried to move to cover yourself, squirming now, and she grabbed your hands with a disapproving tut. "No hiding."

Rhys' hand had slid inside your waistband, so close again your hips rocked forward, searching for him without conscious thought, even as your face heated. There was a fine line between your pleasure and sheer mortification and somehow you were still teetering between the two, torn between wanting more and wanting to sink into the floor and disappear. The crowd was watching, or at least you were pretty sure they were, at this point you were too scared to look and kept your gaze glued to where the High Lord and Lady were touching you.

"So pretty," Feyre hummed as she moved your hands up and around Rhys' neck.

There was no hiding what they were doing to you now. You might have fought them harder if Rhys' hand wasn't finally where you wanted him so desperately, a finger sliding easily into you. Your jaw dropped, a strangled sound coming out of you.

"So wet," he teased, mind to mind. "All this for us, pet?"

Pet. Toy. The High Lord's little play thing. You'd been called worse.

"Yes, sir."

"So well trained, maybe we should keep her," Feyre said as she placed a gentle kiss on your nose.

"Where'd you learn this manners, hmm?" He nipped at your ear as he slid a second finger inside you.

Your eyes rolled back into your head at the stretch, at the way he curled his fingers, hitting all the right spots. Heat coiled in your gut and you found yourself instinctively tightening your hands into the silky strands of his hair.

"Certainly not Keir," Feyre said as she brought her hands to squeeze at your breasts.

You'd had your eyes closed, lost in the bliss of Rhys' ministrations, unprepared for the new sensation of her hands on you, you let out a moan louder than was appropriate for the situation.

"Guess I'm just good at this game," I quipped weakly. The two of them working together like this was becoming overwhelming, you could barely think past the point of contact of with their hands. There was only this and them and the heat coiling tighter and tighter in your stomach. Rhys' pace was quickening. Feyre was playing with the clasp at the center of your bra, toying with it like she was contemplating ripping it off you.

She might have, if someone hadn't cleared their throat at the base of the dais.

"What do you want Keir?" Rhys sneered, the true picture of princely boredom, as if he was not currently holding you at the cusp of an orgasm, as if his mate wasn't leaving hickey's on the exposed skin of your breasts as they spoke.

You'd thought, as you registered Keir's presence that this would be the end of it, that they would stop now that they had his attention, but Rhys was still curling his fingers inside you, stroking relentlessly as Feyre bit and sucked at your sensitive skin. You arched into her, biting down on a moan, this game be damned. Who cared about Keir? About the rest of the court? You needed them to keep touching and kissing you. This was all that mattered.

You were panting as Feyre giggled into your skin. "Doing so good for us."

"Please," you begged, grinding yourself down on Rhys palm. You were so close, just a little more.

"I hate to interrupt," Keir began.

"No you don't," said Feyre. "It's your favorite thing to do."

"But your little toy-"

"Brought us a gift for our anniversary?" Rhys finished for him.

"We know," Feyre added. "It was a really sloppy attempt at a gift."

Keir stammered, none of the words coming out right.

"She needs some training," Rhys said. "A little refining around the edges, but I think this will be a very profitable relationship."

"Just wish we knew who sent her our way," Feyre cooed.

Rhys' free hand hand came up to rest on your throat, just tight enough to make you lean your head back to look at him. The move sent heat straight to your core, your muscle tightening as you whimpered for him. "But we'll get it out of you eventually, won't we, pet?"

Keir was visibly shaking now.

"Mhmm," you whimpered.

"Come on now, where are those pretty little manners you had before?" Rhys teased, his hand suddenly stilling.

The loss of friction was too much, tears welling up in your eyes. "Yes, yes High Lord." You stammered.

His grin was feline as he started moving again, faster this time. Feyre slid behind your mental shield again, this time opening up a door in her own mind to show you what you looked like through her eyes, your pupils blown, your cheeks flushed, lips kiss swollen and red. They'd left little red marks all along your throat and chest. Then she blasted you with an image of what she still wanted you to look like, images of her between your legs, of you taking Rhys in your mouth. You tightened around Rhys' fingers.

"And you would take the word of some-" whatever word he was about to throw at you was suddenly cut off as Rhys removed his ability to speak.

"Careful how you speak, Keir."

The steward's mouth opened and closed as he tried in vain to defend himself.

Rhys waved a hand, "You clearly have nothing useful to say here, you can go." Keir spun like a top, mouth still flapping open and closed like a fish, limbs splayed awkwardly, clearly not in control of his body, until Rhys made him walk half way to the door. Once he'd been released from the High Lord's grip, he stumbled and all but ran for the door.

"Why...?" The rest of the thought eddied from your mind as Rhys curled his fingers, hitting a spot inside you that made stars dance across your vision, your orgasm barreling through you so fast you're sure you screamed their names, but didn't have the presence of mind to hear it for yourself.

"We could kill him now," Feyre said as you slumped back against Rhys' shoulder. "But what fun is that? Why show him the mercy of a quick death when we can have him looking over his shoulder every five minutes, contemplating how to beat us in this wicked little game of ours?"

"I think," Rhys cooed as he placed a gentle kiss on your temple. "That it would be much more fun to eventually turn you on him instead."

You huffed a laugh at that.

Rhys carefully removed his fingers from your core and attempted to bring them to his mouth for a taste, but Feyre beat him to it, sliding his long fingers directly into her mouth, holding eye contact with you the entire time.

You clenched your legs together, wincing at the bit of soreness you felt there.

"Besides," Rhys purred in your ear, right before he shifted you around, settling you chest to chest in his lap. "This game is just getting started, isn't that right, pet?"

[writersdrug]

Ghost x Reader x Konig: I Don't Need You (Ch. 4)

<- Previous - Next ->

Summary: You've been sold to a new group - again. KorTac just bought you off of the last team's hands, forcing you to uproot and settle a fifth time. Something feels different about this team, but you remain distant and cold from everyone. You figure in a few months, you'll be tossed onto the next bidder's plate, anyways. No sense in trying to bond with anyone now.

Additionally, Konig takes the first step at cracking through your outer shell.

Warnings: some distasteful jokes.

Notes: Nothing fancy here, just setting up the foundation for the upcoming events. This weekend should be more eventful! Thanks to everyone who's loved it so far, let me know if you'd like to be tagged in the next chapter! (Also, still working on some oneshots and a Price fic too)

A year had passed. It felt like ten. I had been traded between four different private military groups. It felt like forty.

Working with Jax’s group started out just fine. On the first mission, things couldn’t have gone more smoothly. I took down every single enemy that stood in between me, the team, and the hostile package we were saving. We were done in less than three hours. Apparently, that was a problem for the rest of the team. I was too good. So skillful, I was hurting their egos. Rather than think of how I was helping carry out missions successfully without any significant losses, the team complained that I wasn’t fitting in and was causing a problem among the members. “Like she did back at her old base.”

I hadn’t been causing problems at all, but I hadn’t been trying to fit in either. From the moment I walked onto the base, I felt like a reject. I minded my own business and kept to myself, only being a team player when we were briefing or when we were on the field. The rest of the team was just fine with that arrangement, until they thought my skill threatened their reputation. The results of the missions I attended with the group should have convinced Jax to ignore his soldiers’ requests to have me bumped, but as with Price, he had his favorites. And he chose to listen to them.

It was a similar talk as the one I had with Price. You’re good, but the team doesn’t like you. You’re not really causing issues but, indirectly, you are. So we’re selling you to another private group. Even though they were selling me off just as easily and quickly as Price had, this didn’t hurt as much. Because I never had anything here to root myself onto to begin with.

So there I was, back on the heli, squinting down at the complex as my hair whipped around my face. Some soldiers stared back at me, sneering. Some smug. I stared back, expressionless. I’d learned to grow a hard shell around my roots – if I couldn’t be planted anywhere, it wouldn’t hurt as much when I was torn out of the earth again.

The two soldiers in the front seat were quiet. They pulled the heli off of the landing pad, speaking to each other in a language I wasn’t familiar with. It sounded Swedish. I turned my attention to the file in my hands, gripping it tightly as the wind threatened to snatch it from me.

KORTAC

Majka/Ridgeback

CONTRACTUAL AGREEMENT

I signed, looking out at the clouds. Another initiation briefing, another ice-breaker, another couple of months of hell. I mentally prepared myself for the unwelcoming stares and the countless cold shoulders I would bump into trying to rub elbows with this new group. I wasn’t sure if I would ever find a place to land, or if I would keep hopping across teams like rocks in a river, until I was swallowed by the water and carried away. Hopefully that happens sooner rather than later.

-----

I stood in the corner of the dimly lit room, settled in the shadows behind Ridgeback’s desk. He sat there, scribbling his signature on my document. I noticed how often he muttered to himself as he worked, his brow consistently furrowed, as if everything he read was something troubling. Eventually, he flipped through the pages once more, before grunting in approval. “Just about finished here, I’ll just need one more signature from you. Then you’re officially a KorTac sergeant.”

Like hell I am.

He held out his pen in my direction. I took it, scribbling my signature at the bottom of the page. It was sloppy. He scoffed. “You ain’t gonna give it a once-over?” he asked.

“No sir, I already know what’s in my contract.” I replied dryly. Five years, stealth expert, marksman, sniper-as-needed, subject to termination at director’s discretion.

He smirked at my expression. “I have a feeling you’ll fit right in with the rest of us.”

I doubt it. “We’ll see, sir.”

After signing my contract, Ridgeback collect the papers and we shuffled out of his office. He made his way down the hall as I trailed behind. The compound that KorTac was based at was surprisingly the most decent-looking out of the previous compounds I had been at. From what I had bothered to look at in the file, they were pretty well off; they carried out missions for different eastern governments as easily as one would check something off their to do list. And they were paid handsomely. Something I had to look forward to. Maybe something that would coerce me into putting in an effort to stay with the team.

Ridgeback was one of their leaders, and was a sinister looking thing. His eyes were always filled with suspicion, his body was hulking and tense… He looked like he was either ready for me to stab him in the back, or that he was getting ready to do that to me himself. His steps echoed through the halls rhythmically, while mine were nearly inaudible.

Despite my hard outer-shell, I was on edge. Every time I was signed to a new team, there were jabs, insults, threats, and sometimes petty attempts to trip me up – mentally and physically. I had no reason to think that this compound would be any different. If I could, I would have grown spikes from my skin, keeping everyone and everything at a distance.

We entered a small room with a table, some chairs, and a rug. How much do the governments pay them to afford such a luxury? Several people stood throughout the room, mostly against the far wall. Ridgeback slapped his papers on the table, spreading them to his liking, while I pressed myself against the wall behind him. Just a few minutes of this, then I can leave. I prayed that the meeting would go by quickly so I could go to my room. I felt like a dog, snarling and hunched as I faced the pack of wolves, who stared at me dangerously. You’re in the wrong group.

Ridgeback cleared his throat. “I hope you all looked over the files this morning.”

No answer.

“As usual, I see…” he sighed. “We have a new team member. I’d like you to please welcome ‘Bonnie’.” He stepped aside and gestured to me with a tilt of his head.

I met everyone in the eyes with an ice-cold gaze. I wanted it to be known: Leave me alone. I’ll do my job, you do yours. Otherwise, fuck off.

A few stares, some rolling eyes, some groans, and the occasional indifferent glance. I was used to it: no one wanted me here. Give it a few months and I would be sold off to the next group. My skills couldn’t make up for the lack of chemistry with the team – I would be wasting no efforts to change that.

“What does she bring to the table?” one man asked.

“Better be a sandwich.” Someone answered, earning a few laughs.

“Chlamydia.” Another said. More laughter. A few glares towards the speaker.

I continued to stare at the wall behind them, unamused.

“I expect you to treat her with respect.” Ridgeback continued, purposefully directing his words towards certain people in the room. “We’ve needed another marksman for a while now, and she just so happens to bring other skills with her. She’s a decorated sergeant major that specializes in stealth extractions and attacks. We need her. You all know that, seeing as how these last few months you all have been lacking.”

More silence. Some people shifted uncomfortably.

“So please accept her as one of our own, because she’s here for a while.”

I groaned internally. We’ll see.

Ridgeback moved on to talk about other things. An upcoming hostage-rescue mission set to take place two weeks from now. I remained against the wall, listening close to the details: I would be one of the first people to strike, alongside Fender, O’Connor, Konig, and Horangi. Fender and O’Connor would work together on a checkpoint, while Konig, Horangi, and I would be alone to take out the other three. Zero, Roze, Juno, and Oni would be retrieving and extracting the hostage package, with Castillo and O’Connor covering them as snipers – once O’Connor and Fender had cleared their checkpoint. Mine wasn’t too far away from them, so I would be backup as needed.

Simple enough.

After the briefing, we were dismissed, and I trudged out of the room with everyone else. I broke off from the crowd and walked briskly down the hall. I heard a few disgruntled voices as I pushed past the bodies.

“Gone so soon?” a woman’s voice called out. I didn’t bother to turn around.

“Got shit I need to do.” I replied.

“Fair – we’ll be in the commons later, you should swing by. I’d be rude if you didn’t introduce yourself.”

I ignored her and continued down the hall. I pulled my keycard out of my pocket – this compound was nice. Most bases didn’t even have the luxury of locked doors, let alone private barrack rooms. I reached my door and hurriedly tapped the card on the lock, stepping inside and locking myself in.

I let out a tired sigh, leaning back against the door. I didn’t feel anxious, yet my shoulders couldn’t have been more tense. Having to adjust to a new team for the fifth time… the weight of it finally settled on my mind, and I groaned. Maybe I should just quit. Being a civilian would be boring, but at least it’s a consistent life.

My bags were still piled on the floor near my bed. I had the convenience of an in-unit shower and bathroom, as well as a desk and a short dresser. I grabbed one of the bags, dropping it onto my bed and rummaging through it. I pulled out a pair of cargo pants and a compression shirt – I desperately needed to change, as my current clothes were still covered in dust and dirt from the helicopter ride.

I quickly took a shower, leaving my hair in a braid and focusing on washing the dirt from my body. I dried off and pulled on the new set of clothes. I looked at myself in the mirror – my eyes had dark bags under them, and my mouth had a slight downturn in the corners. Something that had become permanent over the last year.

I walked back into my room. My bag was still on the bed, clothes strewn about, along with a couple of books and files. I sighed, pushing them all to the side and flopping down on the mattress. Damn, I might actually try to stay this time… I thought, sinking into the pillows. I closed my eyes, wondering if I would even go to the common area tonight. They’d be fine if I wasn’t there.

Suddenly, I heard a soft knock on my door. I tilted my head up, staring daggers into the door, hoping whoever it was would just go away. I’d had my fill of strangers for the day. I dropped my head back down onto the pillows. Another, sharper knock thrummed against the door.

“Busy.” I stated loudly.

“No you’re not.” An accented voice spoke through the door.

I scoffed, rolling out of bed and making my way to the door. Who the fuck-

I opened it annoyedly; my eyes were met with someone’s chest under their compression shirt. I looked upwards until I finally found their eyes, which were the only things visible under his sniper hood. I cocked my head to the side. “Yes?”

The man cleared his throat. “Bonnie?” he asked. There was a sense of professionalism in his voice, with an undertone of… nervousness? I couldn’t quite place it.

“That’d be me.” I said curtly. Unintentionally, my demeanor became cold and unwelcoming, as I had forced it to over the years when I had to interact with anyone. Alone, I was myself. Around other people, no one had the opportunity to know what I was like. I refused to let them.

“Konig.” He reached his hand down in front of me. I grasped it firmly and shook it, surprised at how strong his hold was.

“Cool.” I said.

“I’m your Colonel.” He spoke, and I noticed his Austrian accent.

“Cool.” I repeated.

“Since we’ll be working together,” he started, taking a step back so I didn’t have to crane my neck so hard to look at him, “I figured a proper introduction was in order.” He peered over my shoulder, glancing at the clothes strewn about my bed. I caught a flicker of annoyance in his glance, before he looked back at me. “What do you say we talk over dinner? You’ll get a chance to meet the rest of the team, and figure out how we work.”

“Actually, we won’t be working together.” I stated, crossing my arms over my chest. Konig looked confused. I continued: “Ridgeback said you’ll have your own checkpoint to clear, and I’ll have mine. I don’t need to ‘figure anything out’. I know how to do my job, thank you very much.”

Konig’s eyes narrowed in disgust. I saw his hands clenching into fists. “You’re a part of a team. You need to work with them, you know.”

“I don’t need anything.” I snapped. “Tell me what to do and I’ll get it done. That’s what I do.”

Konig huffed in frustration. He gave me one last glare before muttering something in German and storming off. I sneered behind his back, then closed my door behind me.

I started to curse at myself – I was given the perfect opportunity to bond with the team, and I had squashed it like a bug. But I told myself what I always did. It wouldn’t have worked out anyways. Just wait until after the first mission, you’ll be sold of to the next director that deems you useful. It’s only a matter of time – no use trying to find a sense of home here. I walked back over to my bed, dropping on it with a scowl.

My roots were hanging in the air, desperate to grab hold of something, anything – just to ground myself. My leaves were starting to fall off and float away, and my branches were tired. I was so tired. I wished I was back with the 141. I wished I had said something to Soap before I left. I should have begged Price to let me stay. I should have tried to talk it out with Ghost from the night that it first fell apart.

I groaned, cradling my head in my hands. I’m not going to the common area tonight.

-----

Taglist: @igotmajordaddyissues

[alexiososp]

Pride by yeolimerent with Readers

I am Alexio Sospranio and you’re listening to the kaisoo fic podcast!

For new listeners, the kaisoo fic podcast is a space where we discuss literature found in the kaisoosphere. 

This month we will be looking at one fic for two episodes. First part is today, dated the 12th, second part will be on the 14th. Special kaisoo dates!

Today’s episode is slightly different, the kaisoo fic podcast is joined together with two kaisoo readers! And I am also very delighted to share that on the 14th, we will have the author themselves to share their journey with this month’s fic, give insight to the details of the plot and more, so stay tuned for that, coming out tomorrow’s tomorrow!

I would just like to share with you the sequence in which we will be sharing this episode. It is broken up into 5 parts.

Very first part I will share with you the story behind the episode cover art. Next, is introducing guests plus never before done on the podcast, but an important one for guests, we have a small ice breaker ‘never have i ever’ game.

Fourth segment i will introduce the fic, soon after followed by the experience of our two guest readers on reading it based on the questions i asked on the discord.

So generally about 5 general parts.

Podcast Cover Art

This segment is on the podcast cover art because I would like to express my gratitude to Lyn who I commissioned for this episode’s cover art. Thank you Lyn for opening up commissions and being accommodating to my requests!

The story behind the podcast cover art is a reimagined take on one of the arcs in the fic. This specific scene we have Jongin giving Kyungsoo a bouquet and Kyungsoo looking at shreds of torn blueprints on the floor.

In the podcast cover art, Kyungsoo is wearing his collage outfit. Kyungsoo is looking down on his torn blueprints. This was 8 years ago.

Context for this particular position Kyungsoo is in: Kyungsoo got his work stolen by Soojung. Everyone sided with Soojung because there was no evidence of it being Kyungsoo’s work as he did not consult any advisors of the project. He is dejected, angry, frustrated, resentful because no one believes him. Kyungsoo ends up being all alone, it is as good as his hard work being torn to shreds.

In the podcast cover art, Jongin is wearing a suit as after 8 years, he is a rich, sexy CEO of a company. Jongin has hope in his eyes, he is holding out a bouquet of essentials for architect designers and flowers.

Context for this particular position Jongin is in: Jongin wants to freely show his love to Kyungsoo and make up for all the times it was hard on the both of them. Jongin later in the fic is then honest with Kyungsoo that he did not believe that Kyungsoo stole the work. So Jongin admitting that, is a second chance for kaisoo to truly work on their relationship. 

Intro Guests

Introducing the guests. A few episodes ago, I promoted the kaisooists discord community server. When first starting out the server I was happily surprised to find other keen kaisooists tuning into the server. The community server accepts all kaisooists in the spectrum of casual kaisoo enjoyer to chronically deranged person experiencing kaisooism.  

To celebrate having 100+ members in the kaisooists discord community server, now slightly more than 120 users, I asked users in the server to submit a comment of about 200 words on what their favourite fic is and why. We had two submissions, one by a regular author on the kaisoo fic podcast show, Haqiyin and a kaisoo reader, Jie. Haqiyin’s favorite fic is I Am Happy When I Am With You by Chesh_cat. But today we will be hosting Jie and Yu. Jie eagerly answered Pride by yeolimerent, and so that is the fic we will be going through for the day.

Introducing a bit on Jie, Jie has been in this fandom since (2013), that's about (11 years). The moment that instilled her faith in kaisoo was when she kept seeing kaisoo as a regular pairing in wattpad fanfics when she was a newbie fan and wanted to find exo fics. 

Welcome Jie, we are pleased to have you on this kaisoo fic podcast! Before we begin, do you have any opening comments you would like to make?

Hello everyone! I’m jie and i’m an exo-l from both heart and mind. Been into kaisoo most of my teenage years (until now) and not regretting it at all. And kaisoo did truly change my life and even helped me during my hard times in the past. That's why I treasure them a lot and will pass down to all of my generations that kaisoo is real XD. My journey as a reader started in 2013, as per the introduction, I didn't have knowledge about the famous pairings or otps that the fandom had. But because i was into wattpad, I searched for any exo fanfics I could find and that’s where I found kaisoo. At first, I was thinking about it and then I saw them on twitter and saw lots of fans shipping them, I was convinced they’re real and the hype about them makes sense. After that I started reading lots of kaisoo fanfics I could find on wattpad.

Thank you Jie for sharing! It is very delightful to know that kaisoo helped you during difficult moments in your life. It just goes to show how important kaisoo is to us, how having them as our source of happiness really pulls us out of the darkness of life and gives us the strength to continue living. It sounds really delusional, but if it helps us to continue with life, continue with striving everyday and being hard at work with the things we do, then believing in kaisoo is worth the delulu and crazy.

While preparing for this episode I saw on my timeline, user Yu was rereading Pride and with that I approached them to ask if they would be willing to be part of this episode. Since this episode is an episode talking about pride with people from the discord, I thought it would be appropriate! 

So Yu is another kaisooists in the discord server as well. Like Jie, introducing a bit on Yu, Yu has been in this fandom since (2014), that's about (10 years). The kaisoo moment that changed the trajectory of her faith in kaisoo was when kaisoo were (being dramatic on that EXO’s Secret Lotte Night event in 2016, after Kaistal was publicised).

Welcome Yu, we are also pleased to have you on this kaisoo fic podcast! Similar to Jie, do you have any opening comments you would like to make?

Hi everyone! I’m Yu and I’ve been an EXO-L since 2014. Like Jie, I was not really aware of OTPs and ships inside the fandom until I joined a roleplaying community back in 2014. That time, I was just roleplaying Kyungsoo because he’s my bias and my internet friends were shipping me with Kai roleplayers. I got really curious why “they” were being paired together so I researched a bit on them and saw a LOT of their moments. I thought, hmm, they DO have chemistry and they DO look cute together, not knowing that they will literally change the course of my life forever. That’s the time I started watching their moments together in variety shows, behind the scenes clips, and tours. After that, all I was reading on wattpad were kaisoo fan fictions, then I got introduced to AFF, livejournal, and AO3, creating this kaisoo-obsessed monster. Not only do I see Kaisoo as the people I look up to, but I think they’re the biggest reason I am who I am today. 

Thank you for sharing and joining us on a short notice! I actually personally have never come across a roleplaying community? Yu, is it like tweet fics but interactive? 

Yes, people have the option to roleplay their muse in an in-character way (like as idols) or they can portray their muse in an alternate universe way. People create their roleplaying accounts (at least during my time) using facebook or twitter. From that you can interact with other roleplayers and form friendships within the community too.

omg!! A fun fact is I know the roleplaying community!! . Even until now I’m still doing it as a hobby. It’s actually fun to try making accounts and interact with different roleplayers too. In that community, different idols are like friends and it could be enjoying or traumatizing lmao. I’m also a kyungsoo roleplayer and started roleplaying in 2014.

Ahhh, i see,that is interesting!

I just want to say that the both of you got into kaisoo out of curiosity. Which is very fascinating to me because it just goes to show that kaisoo’s relationship is not blatantly in your face, it is not what… Some people call a government assigned ship or fanservice. They are also not very loud in their interactions in terms of skinship and promoting together… It is a very genuine relationship because on the surface level for really casual fans, it may seem like they have a unique bond where they are more attentive to one another but not too alarming to the casual viewer. But those with sharper and inquisitive eyes may be able to read between the lines. 

My point here is that… okay, how young were you when you got into kaisoo?

Jie’s age: 12

Yu’s age: 13

So being at that point in life in the pre/early teens, we may not have caught on so quickly on their special relationship. Then for the both of you being in the wattpad and roleplaying communities, you probably interacted with slightly older fans who are able to identify that there is a bigger, more intimate kind of relationship for kaisoo. This is my assumption, and with the influence of others, it piques your interest to find out more. And when we see it with our own eyes, with rose coloured lenses, without a doubt, we see that kaisoo really really exhibits a sort of more than friends, more than colleagues relationship. And I love that for them. They are also my sense of strength.

Never have i ever (fic/kaisoo related)

Ice breaker time!

Since this is a three person episode, let’s do an ice breaker to slowly get to get to know each other a bit more before diving into the fic of the day.

We will be playing ‘never have i ever’, but make it fic and kaisoo related! So for the questions, we have to guess if the person has, or has never done said thing.

We have questions we want to ask, so mayb Jie can go first?

Jie’s fic qn: Never have I ever read a fluff/romantic fic with no happy ending

Guess Jie’s answer 

Yu - Since we're talking about tags, it's actually related to my next question, which is…

Yu’s fic qn: Never have I ever ditched a fic that has a good plot but has no proper tagging of who is the top/bottom

Guess Yu’s answer 

Jie - so since we’re in the talks about top and bottom which are quite related to the R18 topic,  the next NHIE is sort of related to it. The question is..

Jie’s fic qn: Never have I ever dreamed about the <intense> kaisoo fic scenes

Guess Jie’s answer 

Yu - So since we're talking about real life things in related to fics and kaisoo, the next question actually is…

Yu’s fic qn: Never have I ever read intense smut in public and in broad daylight

Guess Yu’s answer 

Alexio irl qn: okay so consensus is that the three of us have read a fic in public. My question now issss: Never have I ever skipped an outing with friends/family just to read kaisoo fics

Guess Alexio answer 

Real life relation… 

Jie’s kaisoo qn: Never have I ever thought about kaisoo being the rumored bxb couple in k-industry by pannchoa (?)

Guess Jie’s answer 

Yes, we believe and we pray.

That was fun! Okay now I see the importance of ice breaker because I feel we have more energy now to go through with the episode.

Pride by yeolimerent

Now the purpose of this episode is to commemorate having 100+ users in the kaisooists community discord server. Jie, upon writing out your response, you DMed me on Discord with a screenshot of how you exceeded the server’s character limit of 2000 by double… Now, you really must have a lot to say for this fic to go on for 4000 characters!  

For this particular event, i asked server members to submit their write up by sharing with us five points: 

Brief summary of the plot, character and premise. 

The impact this fic had on you.

What has this fic taught you? 

What particular scene was it in the fic that moved you? 

Why do you love this fic?

Jie, first question of the episode is: Why did you choose Pride by yeolimerent to share with us in commemoration of the 100 users in the kaisooist’s discord community server?

Pride deserves to be promoted more especially for people who love tropes similar to it. Based on my opinion, as a silent reader most of the time, it needs more recognition because it is written to perfection. I’ve been seeing people’s recommendations promoting some overrated kaisoo fanfic (though they deserve it too and they are overrated for a reason) and I haven’t found one recommending Pride so here I am! Sharing this kind of fic is new to me actually because I’m not a hundred percent fan of tropes like enemies to lovers but surprise! I loved this one and it deserves love from everyone too.

I read this fic only after your recommendation, so thank you for putting this on the discord. Without you, we would not have gone through the fic!

I’m glad to hear that though :>>

I would also like to thank you for participating in the event at that point! The discord means a lot to me, and it is nice to see people engaging in it as well!

but oh! I just remembered something. I think back in 2022, if i am not mistaken Pride was the 3rd most recommended fic when kaisooficrec on twitter did a 30 day challenge in january to celebrate their birth month! (https://kaisooficrec.tumblr.com/post/674974951042891776/kfr-challenge). 

But before we dive deeper into the episode, let’s talk about the fic, plot wise and technical aspects:

Pride by yeolimerent is a 300+ thousand-word fic. Very dramatic with tags including: angst; sexual tension; break up/make up; timeskips; miscommunication; mutual pining; enemies to lovers; rags to riches 

Warnings: dubious consent; smut (bottom soo); minor character deaths.

The author warns readers that this is not for the faint hearted, and we quote:  I just have to warn you that this has so many flaws, characters and story-wise. So if you're not into complicated things, please save yourself some time. 

The author warns readers because this is a massive work. Upon reading you see each time you think it gets better, something will freaking give you a whiplash. It is dramatic, it is emotional. 

Reading from the author's summary:

The life of being a chaebol son should be easy, except that it's hell. Do Kyungsoo has one goal—to escape and be free from this leash. So when a heartbreak from his first love gave him the reason to finally leave this hellhole for good, he grabbed the chance willingly.

Years later, he's pulled back to the place, the life, and the man he thought he already escaped. What's worse is when everything he had is taken away from him, by the very same man who just used to be his driver… but now surely isn't.

first time vs second time

Now being a three person episode, we’ll take turns going through the fic, our experience reading the fic, what we are learning from the fic, the ways the fic impacted us and we will end with us reading extracts from our favourite parts of the fic.

Since Jie started off answering the first question, maybe Yu, you’d like to take this next one: 

While getting ready for this episode, we all recently reread Pride again right? How different was it reading it for the first time versus this recent time you reread it again? 

Personally, I felt like reading it the second time around made me look at the plot and the characters in a more in-depth perspective. Of course, the first time I read it emotionally wrecked me for days (XD) that I had to stop myself and pause from reading from time to time to process the events in the fic, and it surely did not change when I reread it again, but this time, I felt like I got to feel each of the characters emotions first-hand too. Like, I understood where Kyungsoo was coming from when he was being prideful and stubborn, and also why was Jongin bad at communicating which is more frustrating!

I see, so for Yu, you were able to immerse yourself in the characters and the meanings behind the things they do. I think usually for these kinds of fics, where it is fast paced. Very action packed, where there is always something happening and you are always kept on your toes. So naturally in your first reading of the fic you would want to know what happens next. So you read as fast as you can, taking breaks when it gets too overwhelming. 

Yes, I agree. The first time I read it I never realized the simplest things in the story will make sense in the plot in the next chapters. Rereading it was an enjoyable experience.

Indeed it was an enjoyable experience.  And what about Jie, did you have a similar or different experience?

I actually relate to Yu’s response! like the first time i’ve read the pride, some of the scenes are blurred to me and didn’t make sense so I was like ‘why is jongin like this and such’ since i’ve observed that the pov heavily falls into Kyungsoo’s rather than jongin’s. And also well i’m kind of scared of what’s about to happen every time since it’s my first time reading it (it’s my default emotion when i read long fics for the first time). but when i reread it, the plot became more defined in my mind and everything just makes sense! and one thing i’ve also observed is that, the effects of each scene are still the same for me when i reread it. I still have mixed emotions and despite knowing what to happen in the next scene, i’m still not prepared for it ><

The delightful thing of reading it a second time is that we sort of know how the plot unfolds… so we are able to revisit the scenes and slowly read through the details in the beginning of the fic where yeolimerent gives tiny hints of how the plot will develop in the later parts of Pride. Moments like the carelessness of Kyungsoo leaving his blueprint in the room without much thought. As a reader, we also did not give it much thought, but that became one of the most important points of the story that pushed Kyungsoo to be off the grid, and he continues to struggle with that problem until almost the end of the fic. So when we reread it again, we are more aware of the small bits of information yeolimerent gives. That goes to show how detailed a writer yeolimerent is. 

That is so true. I really admire yeolimerent as a writer. My twitter mutuals would know how annoying I can be when it comes to this fic because it's always in my head like… Of course there are a lot of fics I love too, but Pride just really stood out because it has all the tropes I like in a fic; exes to lovers, CEO au, rags to rich, angst with happy ending, and slow burn.

I know right!! I actually love how important the small details in yeolimerent’s fic! She’s just so amazing despite knowing some of her fics late. My first fic from her is the smear campaign that i really love so much too!! But for this year, the pride just brought me the roller coaster feeling of emotions and I'm convinced that it will be the top tier fic I have encountered this year.

Omg smear campaign… I first read that one recently during my vacation. Mind you I read Pride BEFORE reading ’smear campaign’ and I was genuinely shit scared because what if yeolimeret decides to make one of them dishonest and to use the other for political gain… but thank kaisoo, that yet again we trust in the love they have for each other that we see kaisoo happy in the fic. 

Surprising

Upon reading Pride, were there any thoughts that kept coming up? For one, the thoughts that kept recurring in my head were just… how is it possible for love to continue when both parties have hurt each other so much? How are they still somehow able to gravitate towards one another? It really pains me… this fic with its cruel twists and turns. When I say cruel here, it is not a slander against the author, but rather an acknowledgement of how their writing is very gripping and done wonderfully. The art of knowing when to say what happens, keeping the reader on their toes and sharing with us a beautiful story of how kaisoo’s love prevails yet again. Writing meaningfully so that readers are able to feel for the characters and love them in their imperfections.

Before I reached the ending of the pride where they mend their relationship in new zealand if i’m not mistaken, i was so so mad for like yeah i know kyungsoo is this prideful and have flaws but he didn’t deserve any of what people did to him including jongin (still completely unaware of jongin’s side here) because i know they have something stronger but it’s kind of cruel to have a love like they both have and kyungsoo needed to heal !! and honestly, i was ready to fall into the mode of “all of the forms of love sucks” hahahaha !!

I agree a hundred percent, I too was about to give up on kaisoo having their happy end… A scene that comes to me is the moment in the last few chapters when Jongin is seen on his knees and begging for Kyungsoo to stay. I couldn't help but feel so many emotions. The most glaring thought I have is what a bastard Jongin is. He is definitely not one a 100% but he has a lot of flaws and so does Kyungsoo… but i was just wondering as to how Jongin has really hurt a person who means a lot to him, and this person in turn loves him, why issit when Kyungsoo wants to set boundaries, it is very difficult for Jongin to accept that… The premise is ridiculous to me, but that is a reflection of their choices in the fic, again it is not a slander against the writer, yeolimerent really does a wonderful job and it is evident when you feel so strongly for the characters. 

So my question for the both of you, Jie you go first: What surprised you the most in this fic? 

Probably, the scene that surprised me was when kyungsoo chose to run away with Seonho. because at first i kinda expected that kyungsoo will probably leave everything with the much pressure and issues happening in his life, but the last thing i expected for kyungsoo to do is him choosing to live somewhere far away with his ex 😭. i don’t know because my first hunch is like Kyungsoo will leave but like, alone but then the author is like ✨surprise!!!✨i have this second thought that maybe jongin will go with him but it’s kind of blurry when jongin and krystal interact in other scene again ughhh.

Oooh that part! I found that scene really heartwarming in a way? I didn't expect that Kyungsoo would be running away with him too, knowing their history. Thank god they did that because I genuinely believe that Seonho, as a character, had a lot of potential, and yeolimerent took great advantage of it in the plot, which I love.

Right?! But i haven’t look deeper into seonho’s character there because i’m getting whiplash from kyungsoo’s feelings TT

I understand Jie’s point on it being surprising! You usually wont find exes spending time with each other… what more traveling and staying together…But interestingly enough it feels like a natural progression to have Seonho travel and stay with Kyungsoo. Yes they were romantically involved, but they are able to put the past behind and be genuine best friends without romantic feelings. And I also agree with Yu that Seonho was the best person Kyungsoo could have ran away with. They already knew and understood each other deeply because of their family backgrounds and I find their relationship to be very endearing… something very nice to read. 

Yu, were you surprised at that point too? Or what other moments of the fic made you feel surprised? 

When I first read this fic, I was convinced that Jongin had feelings for Kyungsoo the first time they met each other. I also feel kind of skeptical with my hunch since he always seemed like he's siding with Soojung and setting Kyungsoo aside? (Probably because he lacked boundaries huhu) However, I was genuinely surprised and CRUSHED when I found out that Jongin was in LOVE with Kyungsoo during his POV chapters. Jongin LOVED Kyungsoo way more than I imagined and probably more than Kyungsoo could ever love him back. For Jongin, all he did, especially during the 8 years they were apart, will always be FOR Kyungsoo. So, to answer the question, I know that Jongin had the hots for Kyungsoo from the start, but I wasn't aware that he was in DEEP.

I relate to what Yu said at her first statement. Like I was sooo convinced too! But keep getting sidetracked whenever there’s Jongin and Krystal interactions. But you know, i have half thought in my mind that i kinda expected that between kaisoo, one from them will be inlove hahaha my mind is like ‘come on! Someone should be whipped between them coz if i’m not mistaken i read a kaisoo fic and not kaistal or am raging lol’

HAHA, I too would be fustrated if it was a kaistal endgame… Okay so hopping onto that statement, that element of surprise of the fic yu, you mentioned being genuinely surprised and crushed upon finding out that Jongin was deeply in love with Kyungsoo. So how, upon going back to reading the fic for the second time, how did reading it impact you? 

Well, rereading this fic already knowing the twist or the surprising part in mind, it made me analyze every interaction they have before leading to that point. I always pay attention to how Jongin will react whenever Kyungsoo does something and I felt frustrated why this man sucks at communicating his feelings and lacks boundaries to the point where Kyungsoo got badly hurt by the woman he was trying to protect. But then again, I realized that they were young and immature. When they reunited again after years of being apart, I actually saw how they both grew and matured, making more rational choices and not giving in to their impulses or defense mechanisms immediately unlike when they were young.

Wahh!! I love hearing yu’s insight regarding the fic ><

Yu, when you mentioned kaisoo upon being apart then reuniting again, how they both grew and matured, i agree with you to a certain extent. I think it is also a common thing with life. In general when we go through something traumatic or difficult, we pull ourselves away from the situation. Which Kyungsoo does. 

Kyungsoo is soooo real for running away though like, that makes him a human and not like a true fictional character, if y’all know what i mean. Because it is human nature to run away when something inconvenient happens in our lives. And i do that too, but not like kyungsoo running away in other country, (i don’t have the money for that yet HAHA) to be honest, the scene where kyungsoo’s life was already fucked up (due to his dad) and no one believing him when his project got stolen, it is the maximum peak of pain tbh i’m GLAD he did ran away but i’m not glad that he got dragged back. Life sucks (with personal sentiments haha). 

Yes exactly, so he left, but then a cruel twist of fate forces them to meet again. And the almost 10 years apart really has them thinking they have grown out of each other. But very evidently so, within the 8 years, we see the both of them yearning for each other despite being apart even after they hurt each other so much. 

I agree! Despite lying to themselves that they only want revenge (in Jongin's case) and they moved on (in Kyungsoo's case), it is undeniable that did not stop thinking about each other for almost a decade they were apart. They are each other's greatest and true love.

Even in life, fate has this thing where it will test you. It will see if you have learnt from your past, learnt from your mistakes and sometimes if we do not actively practice how to train ourselves to be better, when put in the same position as before, that is the test. Will we make the same mistake again? Will we consciously and cautiously make a more informed decision? Will we learn from the past? Or will we make a worse decision? 

And I think for Kyungsoo, after the intense shock he got from learning that Jongin is his superior, he slowly eases into the idea. Then he is reminded of his younger days where they were young college students. And because of the reminiscing, he falls into the same head space, the same habits that he had previously… 

I think Kyungsoo going back to his toxic ways is a proof that he was not able to properly heal at all and was just repressing everything all this time. 

and this time i found it to be worse? It is a very bad coping mechanism where both kaisoo are terrible at communication, so they resort to a very toxic cycle of sex… slowly overtime it does get better, but even when you believe everything is getting better, there comes a bigger whiplash that pushes kaisoo away from each other… i keep finding myself thinking wow, they really cant catch a break… and when they do it is very measured, you can feel the oncoming doom and it feels like a game. 

To be honest, if kaisoo has good communication here the pride will be just two shot fic LOL. 

Ok that is very true. That tension for conflict will always force the plot to move. 

I agree with the toxic cycle they have especially when one of them has a view of sex can be casual too omg. I can remember I had a phase while reading Pride: I was like talking, throwing side comments as if Kyungsoo or Jongin from Pride could hear me. That's similar to when you’re watching a great movie and trying to talk with the main lead HAHAHAAHA. But i sorta think that kaisoo should have like longer periods of healing time before they go back as lovers :< 

And for Jie, how did reading Pride the second time impact you?  

I'm gonna be honest here because I don’t count myself as a huge fan of heavy angst stories because I know the effect they have on me. Yes yes I kinda expect that i’ll be asked why i decided to read when pride has complete tags. Sometimes, I have this mood where I want to read something beyond my comfort zone (tags like similar to pride, top soo fics and such) and I have that when I decided to save the pride in my bookmarks. My emotions during the first time reading Pride versus rereading it, didn't change at all, despite knowing what to happen anymore. I felt like I absorbed kyungsoo’s emotions and I feel the pain too when everything is not falling to his plans. My mood shifts perfectly depending on the scenes and the feeling of being scared despite already knowing what’s about to happen in the next scenes never left me even reading it in the second time 😭. I’ve always been anxious of intense emotions and it’s like a default emotion for me. The intense scenes just always give me the thrum of a different adrenaline rush every time. 

I can relate to the adrenaline rush oh my! It is interesting that we are here today because Jie, you very passionately recommended this fic yet you are not a huge fan of heavy angst. So what are your favorite tropes to read if not heavy angst?

I believe I have a huge imaginative mind, because I love reading a lot of sci-fi and falling into the fantasy category. There’s always angst in every story, I don’t mind it as long as the story has an ending I’m satisfied with. Strangers to lovers is also an interesting trope for me hehe.

Your favorite tropes are almost the total opposite of Pride haha, so why Pride? What made you read this fic?

I’m gonna answer this with a different view of mine, the tags that the Pride have didn’t interest me a lot because as you said, it's the total opposite of what the tropes I love. I think I have taken the risk to read it because I’m actually trying to explore different tropes now compared to before. This fic totally stood out a lot to me this year (from all the fanfic I've read this year) . I pretty much regret not choosing it to read earlier than necessary because it has been sitting in my bookmarks for a year before I read it. And also I want to read something beyond the capabilities of my emotions (this sounds like i’m applying for a job LOL) . But for real, I opted to be more open minded in the tropes that I didn't quite like before and here I am! I loved it but probably it will take some time before I read something heavy like pride hehe. 

That is quite stimulating to explore different tropes, making the choice to be more open minded. Eventually what gave you the push to finally read it? Was it from the summary or the taggings or someone else recommending it…?          

I decided to read it amidst the stress I was having earlier this year. Maybe the stress or the will I have to be distracted at that time pushed me to reading pride. I’ve started reading the pride during my board exam (that’s like a national exam in the philippines that requires us to be a registered professional) but i managed to finish the pride after my board exam and got the results HAHA. Because I realized that I added more nerve wrecking emotions upon reading the few first chapters of pride. And I’m glad I did that instead of distracting myself during my review season. 

What about Yu, are you a heavy angst reader? 

I can't say I'm a heavy angst reader but I CAN say I'm a fan of it. Like if I'm going to rank it, it'll be in my top 5 fave fic trope, but I can never just casually read angst fics in my free time like it’s the morning newspaper, you know? I can only read angst fics when I'm in the right headspace for it, like reading angst that makes me sob on my bed at 3am haha.

Understand, understand.., reading angst when you are not in the proper headspace… may make your day suddenly gloomy.,,

Going back to the 5 questions that was asked for the discord submissions: 

We have covered the first question on, a brief summary of the plot, character and premise. And just a few minutes ago the question on the impact this fic had on you.

Lesson Learnt, Fav Scenes, Why

The next three questions will be on: What has this fic taught you? And what particular scene was it in the fic that moved you? And why do you love this fic?

Let’s start with yu. Yu, what has this fic taught you? 

Pride has taught me that pushing people away on purpose will not serve us any good and will just lead to more regrets in the future. Communicating what you truly feel to the one you love is really the key to resolve any issues or insecurities you have. I have also learned that what you think about other people or whatever their intentions are, may not be necessarily true and concluding things without properly talking it out will just result in more problems and as I have mentioned, regret and guilt. 

I like your points. I want to expand on it a bit more, but before that upon identifying the two learning points for this fic, what is your favorite scene from Pride? Or what is a prominent scene that you always find yourself  thinking about?

For me, my favorite scene in Pride was when Jongin went after Kyungsoo at the bar and he saw that Kyungsoo was kissing Seonho. Then their confrontation happened and Kyungsoo said a lot of hurtful things to Jongin and the latter was begging for him to talk this out. For me it was the turning point for Jongin to completely change his life and prove to Kyungsoo what he lost (which absolutely backfired because he's still whipped as hell with Kyungsoo).

Yes and this scene happens in chapter 11 titled ‘Escape Plan’ right? Could you do grace us by reading an extract from the chapter? 

Jongin shuts his eyes, obviously bothered by the idea but chose not to acknowledge it. With pleading gaze, he takes Kyungsoo's hand again.

"Soo..." he mumbles shakily, "What's the problem? If I did something wrong... then I'm sorry. Let's go now, please?"

"Get off!"

Something pierces his chest when Jongin's eyes begin to glisten. But no, Soo's far from done. He'll end this once and for all.

"What? Still don't get it? Fine, I'll elaborate." he exhales a deep breath and flashes his casual smile, "You're an experiment. Get it? Flavor of the month, whatever the fuck you want to call it! And now I realize I actually prefer rich, fun assholes who can give me thrill—you're not it.”

End of scene.

So, what I really love about this scene is the intensity of both the characters’ emotions. I love how Jongin was mad at Kyungsoo for almost making out with his ex, it then turned into him begging for Kyungsoo to stop hurting him. On the other hand, Kyungsoo is blinded by his anger and pain with what happened with his father and Soojung that he resorted to hurting Jongin and proving him “wrong”. For others, it might seem that this part is all just for the sake of drama, but I genuinely believe this was Jongin’s turning point into reaching for his dreams and taking Kyungsoo back in the next chapters. He may have had different intentions (revenge) in the beginning, but at the end of the day, Jongin cannot resist his first love.

Thank you for sharing that scene. Intense emotions indeed. And with that it forces kaisoo apart.

A point i have after Yu mentioned having learnt that pushing people away does us no good, the scene that comes to me is a while after Kyungsoo goes back to Korea. To set the context a bit more, I think it was a few days after Seonho went back to Korea. After the scene in the carpark, Jongin brought Kyungsoo to his mansion. Seonho purposely made it seem as though Kyungsoo still had feelings for him, so Jongin got mad. In the car it really is very heartbreaking to see Kyungsoo cry and cry and cry… The moment that gets to me is the following day. Jongin takes Kyungsoo on a ride of nostalgia… Brings him to the furniture shop and then the diner… the diner where his last memories of the place were just so terrible… let me read an extract from the scene.

These are two bits from chapter 24 titled Not Allowed. Extract goes like this:

Soo keeps his silence and the hope falters on the other's face as he finally takes notice.

"Soo." he calls, "What's wrong?"

The designer shuts his eyes and firmly shakes his head again, "Nothing. Just tired."

Even the familiar noise around brings him a headache. Do you know that nostalgia that pierces right through you?

This is more than that. When he left this country and this life so many years ago, this place is one of the things he buried. He marked his own words not to step foot here again but here he is now, with Jongin right in front of him as if his whole life is a big joke.

Do you remember that? Soo asks himself as bitterness begins to stand out among the other glaring emotions, the last time you were here, do you remember?

End of scene. 

You best believe i fucking CRIED! This moment, although short, you can feel the pulling of Kyungsoo’s heart. It is very distressing to read… 

Yoooo this scene is actually painful and all, like I wonder how disappointed Kyungsoo is in himself for going back to the past he’s trying to run away and forget omg!!!

The next moment I will be sharing is the point on what Yu shared on communicating what you truly feel to resolve any issues or insecurities.

This moment is slightly after the scene I read a minute ago, and the extract goes like this:

Soo grits his teeth hard before looking at him.

"Why did you bring me here?" he asks between heavy breaths, "Of all places, why here, Jongin? Huh? Why Kare?"

Kyungsoo finally takes courage this time. He gains the guts to look at Jongin and ask. He watches how the other man's face completely softens. It's like he never thought he would have to answer this question soon.

"Because..." Jongin sighs in defeat, sounding calmer this time, "because this place is special to us."

Soo's eyes begin to glisten. He swallows hard before weakly looking at Jongin.

"You're being so unfair." he mutters pleadingly, "You're unfair. I don't need this. Please... just stop."

Jongin steps closer to him and Soo takes a step back by instinct.

"How am I being unfair, Soo?" he hates how hurt Jongin looks. Because this isn't the image he needs to guilt him every night when it's his right to move on, "You're the one I want. If I need to prove it in any way, then I will."

It feels like a strong blow for Soo. But more than anything else, he refuses to believe he's hearing it, too.

End of scene. 

Here we find that Jongin does not understand why Kyungsoo is feeling and acting in a slight offensive manner. Kyungsoo actively and purposefully makes it very difficult for Jongin and builds up his walls so that he is unreadable… but these bursts of heavy and difficult emotions that bubble through the walls makes it very confusing for Jongin. Kyungsoo definitely does not share his true, honest and vulnerable thoughts. And as a reader the miscommunication part hurts.

Jie, how about your learning point of Pride? What did this fic teach you about life? 

This fic actually helped me to understand more and give me deeper insights about the flaws of each person, the differences we have and what we need to work out for ourselves when we’re making bonds to other people. And also adding that no matter what happens to your life, you only have yourself as your best pal because even the most trusted person you have, will not understand you and can be the reason for your downfall. BUT then no matter how painful we went through, moving on and forgiveness is important. 

I agree, moving on and forgiveness is indeed important in life.

And jie, share with us, what is your favourite scene from Pride? Or what is a scene that you think about when you think of this fic?

I think in all of the scenes in Pride, my favourite scene of all time will be the part where kyungsoo and baekhyun mend their broken friendship. I really love the part where despite being hurt, kyungsoo still cares for baekhyun and tries to help him in any way possible and all while protecting himself too. I can’t really put much into words but I do find it beautiful that they both still managed to fix their bond together and in the end, it’s baekhyun’s turn to help kyungsoo in a way for him to finally settle on the person that makes him happy. They both want happiness for each other and it’s just so genuine.

Ah, chapter 26 titled Make It Up To You… with that, Jie, Could you do us the honor of reading an extract from that chapter? 

"You can never lie to me, Baekhyun.” Soo looks in front, pausing to drink, “We could stop being friends and I’d still know you better than anyone.”

The other man’s expression is hard, obviously tugged in his most fragile spot. But then, his lips begin to quiver. Baekhyun bites it hard before looking away.

“Just tell me.” Soo tells him without any display of emotion once again. He doesn’t know what Baekhyun wants to get from him so he keeps it neutral.

“I thought we’re not friends?” Baekhyun grins again but the pain is slowly resurfacing on his face now, “I don’t really need your sympathy right now, Soo.”

“I’m not giving you sympathy. I want to hear it and by the end, I can decide if you’ve been an idiot or not. I can even make you feel worse if you’d like me to.” Kyungsoo says without batting an eye and the other boy is speechless again, “Just tell me everything and stop keeping it in, dumbass.”

End of scene.

I just love how Kyungsoo is not giving Baekhyun sympathy for what's happening to his old friend’s life. But because it’s only Kyungsoo who knows him since day one, it’s also him who can only understand what’s happening to Baekhyun. Friendships are falling into platonic relationships already, so what Kyungsoo and Baekhyun have in this scene is a huge factor that helped them both heal from their personal issues. Friendships deserve closures too just like romantic relationships, and this scene gave them the closure they both need. I think it’s beautiful that when Kyungsoo managed to mend his bond with Baekhyun, his bond with Jongin came after. 

Thank you for sharing that scene. I really like the point that friendships need closure too. The people you meet in life, friends and family… Relationships and generally life as well, it is a journey. There are moments we may not necessarily get along and our relationship with them may not be the best, which we see from this fic that it is perfectly fine. Because who knows? 

Yes you may have a difficult friendship, but after the wound from the friendship has mellowed down a bit, there are opportunities, as Jie mentioned, to mend the friendship. As long as both parties are still well and alive, nothing is set in stone, there is always a choice to build that burnt bridge. 

Now ladies and gays and kaisoo listeners of the podcast, we have come to the end of the last segment. This segment we looked at three different points of learning from Pride and each of us read a moment in the fic that holds a special place in our hearts. 

We have reached the end of the episode, so yu and jie, do you have any other running thoughts that you have that we did not cover today, be it thoughts on the fic or your experience in the podcast today?

First of all, If I could, I would like to send a huge love for yeolimerent for writing such a masterpiece. She has put me on a thrilling roller coaster of emotions that I’m so torn from crying or loving her story. But as always, love wins!! She wrote the characters to perfection with their flaws and I think that’s just so amazing because I could never do that huhu. But anyway, I’m so glad that I took the risk of reading Pride because I got to learn a lot of things that I could put into real life. And I’m sooo happy that I get to share this experience with Yu and my dear Alexio. I honestly thought I wouldn’t be able to make this podcast but then, I’m so glad that you made the discord, and meeting you is one of the main highlights of my year. Sending forever love to kaisoo and kaisooists < 333 

Aw, you are so sweet. I am also very grateful. Thank you for joining the discord, thank you for coming on the show with Yu and I. 

For Pride, I really want to say thank you to yeolimerent for creating this masterpiece. Reading it every time is always an experience. The way the plot unfolded, the characters and their flaws were curated, and the emotions were unveiled is just chef's kiss. As for the podcast, it has been an honor to be a part of this episode and the fact that I get to talk about something I'm really passionate about. I hope I get to do things outside of my comfort zone more often and I wanted to say thank you to you and Jie for having me here.

Yu and Jie, you are both most welcome, and it is a joy to have hosted kaisoo readers today. I will relay your sentiments to yeolimerent. This is the end of the podcast episode, but this is not the end of our journey together as kaisooists, and as kaisooists in the discord, because there are many things to engage in, in the server. I do hope to see the both of you, and our dear listener for this episode, coming in on the discord!

Dear listener, the link to the ao3 for Pride will be given below in the notes section. 

With that, as I mentioned earlier in the episode, we will get a chance to have a chat with the author of the fic. So tomorrow’s tomorrows’s episode will be with yeolimerent!

New episodes either every 13th of the month, in commemoration of kaisoo day in january, or 12th and 14th of the month. 

To reach me, i am kaisooficdrunk on twitter and if you want you can drop me questions on my curious cat you can do so with the same username. There will also be another link that brings you to my tumblr blog with the transcription for today's episode. There you can also find the other scripts for other episodes as well.

Thank you for listening, have a good day, dear kaisooist, and we look forward to the next episode. Stay tuned.

[palepersonaturtle]

DWY review

As much as I love this show and our main couple I think I really have to talk  the issues I had with it so that I can be at peace with myself and then go back to enjoying it with its flaws. Please guys if you have thoroughly enjoyed this show and the plot then do not read this.

This show, imo had so much potential to become one of the greatest hits of all time for me with its innovative idea of spell books, characters and brilliant actors and yet they ruined it with the inconsistency of the characters and undeveloped plot.

Episode 1& 2 review

The good-

-Okay I love their first meet it is symbolic and that was a killer opening for me. The cinematography, bgm were spot on…perfect amount of spooky fantasy vibe. Also the introduction of characters was great. Jang shinyu tapping her foot with his to see if she is dead or alive gave of his cold, stern aura. Hong jo’s humourous dialogue showed us her loneliness and her knack for dramas I mean watching dramas is the only wayout from her lonelinss

-The introduction of red hand was awesome. And I have read some theories from k-fans about the details that scene had. So it was perfectly done.

- Something I very much enjoyed was the banter between our main couple. Like it wasnt silly it had logic and humour and that made their chemistry one of the best for me.

- I liked how they portrayed Hongjo’s loneliness. She had no friends, family, relatives to talk. Her situation was compelling.

-The whole spell book revelation part was done excellently.

-Also the plot development for these two episode was really good.

The bad-

I have to say this the editing for first two episodes sucked. The aprupt scene transitions and scene placement made my head hurt.

Changes that should have been made-

-They actually made the use of the evil gardener in a very lousy way when he could have been a more compeling villain who is connected to our lead couple in the past. They could have shown us that it was his fate to get the main couple together while being the bad guy because of his past life karma.

- There are various questions like why did hongjo got transferred to the city hall. And I think that first scene where we are shown her handling a complaint would have been a perfect example for her and the evil gardener to meet indirectly and start his obsession for her since he recognizes her from his past so that he would have been able to get her to transfer to the city hall by using black magic or using his connections which could have been revealed later in the series. Because that transfer of hong jo was so abrupt it didn’t make any sense to me.

-Now onto Shinyu’s curse I think it would have been far more better if they had shown us him having blurry dreams about jang mujin killing aengcho on that snowy mountain rather than dreams of his past life love story in the first episode. Because the main point is him suffering from a curse where the gist is him killing aengcho the love of his life.

Also the explanation for his curse and illness should have been done cohesively rather than spreading it in parts throughout the first two episodes.

Relationships-

1)  Shinyu and Hongjo-

As I said earlier I love their banter. You can see the sparks but it is still platonic and I love that. And even though they are destined I am glad that the writers actually worked to build their relationship.

Shinyu is cold,stern,rude and hongjo gives him back equally.

And that scene where he saves her from the the drunkard was an ice breaker for hongjo imo to trust shinyu and be comfortable with him especially physically. Like her hitting his shoulder playfully, cornering him in the office lobby are some of the examples.

Also he was very much attracted to her subconsciously okay.

Now coming onto the bad side of their relationship- For like one and half episode shinyu was written perfectly but then his character started showing inconsistency.

That scene where he told hong jo to accept nayeon’s apology was so ooc of him. Like he is shown as a competent lawyer and he should know better than anyone else that no one is obliged to forgive the person who has inflicted hurt on them and like what was his intention to do that. Imo he should have just shut up.

Look I get that he is a flawed character. But I also believe that a cold,stern, rude character could also be written as a green flag he needn’t always be a red flag.

Onto the next scene, where he hurted hongjo  that was not ooc for there was atleast some intention for him. I get that he was jealous  of  jaekyeong and he used the information he got from his gf to be an asshole. But the fact that he says, “I just said what I saw” I was like dude you are a lawyer you shouldnt just judge someone with what you see. Though he felt  bad about what he said afterwards, he never apologized and that for me is a bad character development.

2) Shinyu and nayeon

Like many people I also think that shinyu wasn’t in love with nayeon but I also think that their relationship wasn’t political. From what I have read from nayeon’s char intro, she met shinyu in his law firm while she was there for renovation work and fell in love with him and after that chased him and then they started dating. I think shinyu liked and cared about her enough to get married with her. I mean he seems distant with her but he is also polite and humble with her. Maybe the constant nagging of his father had prompted him to get in a relationship so that his father can shut up.

3) Shinyu’s parents(sorry i dont remember their names)

This side story could have been made more compelling but they failed it awfully.

If they wanted to reprimand verbal abuse then they should have ended it with a divorce or should have made sure that his father repent and grovel at his wife’s feet for like 10 episodes before that reconcillation happened.

Or they could have simply shown a couple who is drifting apart having a midlife crisis since they got married early and how they overcome it eventually.

Or they could have simply been an affectionate and passionate couple where a father is worried about his son being alone when he is sick and wants him to get married asap to have someone take care of him(which is also selfish but later they could have redeemed him)

4) Other side charcters-

I may be in the minority but I really didn’t care about Ms Ma amd Mr gong’s relationship like why does she have to get into a relationship when she doesn’t want to. But I love Ms Ma as a character.

And those coworkers of hongjo were annoying af. Yes I get that the writers wanted to show Hong jo as an outcast to us but they could have handled it better.

Also I like Gidong I wish they could have given him more screen time and his own story line.

Overall, these two episodes were more of a plot building for me. I had fun yet i was bored at times.

[felixcloud6288]

Higurashi: Abducted by Demons Final Chapter

In the Garden of Eden story, when God asked Adam why he had eaten the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, Adam blamed Eve for giving it to her and Eve blamed the serpent for tempting her. Afterward, God banished them from the garden.

I think Frederica Berkastel's poem is saying the actual sin committed was refusing to acknowledge what they had done.

I think Rena has given up on trying to help Keiichi. She just walked past him without saying a word.

Keichii is shouting at Mion over keeping secrets from him, but he's only been in Hinamizawa for three weeks. Telling the newcomer about a history of mysterious serial murders is not really the best ice-breaker.

And besides, it's not like he's been honest either. He's been hiding his involvement with the police and that he's aware of the murders and Satoshi. Granted, he's kind of following Ooishi's orders to not trust them.

So the big lesson here: Never trust cops. They can only tear apart a community.

Rena has gone full psycho this chapter and she is loving every moment of it. I love the uncanny expressions she makes throughout that scene.

And then the rest of the chapter is just a rollercoaster. Keiichi is chased by a deranged Rena, only to be attacked by some random townspeople. Then he wakes up in his room, and Mion and Rena are cheerfully greeting him. Then Rena holds Keiichi in place and Mion prepares to give Keiichi his punishment for not eating the ohagi.

In earlier chapters, the artist uses the manga format to their advantage to give the best jumpscares. The page you're reading would create a certain mood or buildup, then you turn the page and BAM!! Full page spooky panel.

But in this chapter, we get two blank pages right as the tension reaches its peak. It makes for a good mindbreak. It's like that quote from a Christmas Carol: "Being prepared for almost anything, he was not prepared for nothing."

And those blank pages also help transition into what happens next. They break our focus for a moment and let the story shift to a calm moment where Keiichi wakes up, relieved it was a dream and he was was foolish to ever believe Rena and Mion would try to kill him.

Then you turn the page.

Keiichi recognizes that man as a doctor, but doesn't know that's the same doctor he visited in chapter 4. The men he's talking to seem to be the same guys who attacked Keiichi.

I don't know if it's a translation mistake or not, but Keiichi said the dam construction director was killed 5 years ago. That's incorrect. He died 4 years ago.

In the end, Keiichi dies from scratching out his throat, just like Tomitake. All the information he'd gathered to find the murderers was lost. It ends in the sort of way a horror murder might end. The protagonist dies, the villain escapes; Evil lives to kill another day.

back

Spoiler Discussion

So what is real and what is not?

Mion's remarks about wanting to kill Ooishi is likely real. She mentioned he's retiring, which is something Keiichi wouldn't know.

As for the scene with Rena, I have two ideas. Either the entire scene was a hallucination OR Rena was there but Keiichi hallucinated the cleaver.

I'm willing to accept arguments for either one. With the second, the dialogue could be read as Rena understanding something is wrong with Keiichi and genuinely trying to reach out and help him.

The two guys who attacked Keiichi are probably part of Irie's research team. They saw Keiichi screaming and panicking, realized he was suffering symptoms of Hinamizawa Syndrome and intervened.

The director Mion mentioned is Irie. He leads the local baseball team and is called the director as a result.

The part of Keiichi's final note that was removed was the part mentioning the construction director was still alive and Tomitake was killed with some drug. Ooishi was suspected of removing that part but denied it. I think Ooishi really did remove it though.

Irie would know everything going on and wouldn't have left part of the letter lying around if he found it. Meanwhile Ooishi would have a reason to let part of the message still be found.

The part of Keiichi's message that was found implies some greater conspiracy in the village and would therefore leave the case open and tie Keiichi's killing Mion and Rena to the dam construction murder that Ooishi has been trying to solve. But if the second part of the message and the syringe were kept, Keiichi's notes might be assumed to be part of some paranoid ramblings instead.

back

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #211

Are you an only child? Nope.

Do you like the color pink? Pink is my favorite color. I love basically any shade of it.

Do you take vitamins? Not necessarily vitamins, but I take daily fiber pills.

Where was your last kiss? Girt's car when we got home from Charlotte. He was too exhausted to come in.

What health problems run in your family? A fucking lot. High cholesterol, diabetes, obesity, heart issues, cancer, asthma, some mental health issues (I think depression is most prominent), and I'm sure I'm forgetting more.

Ever have an eating disorder? Not exactly. I do have binge-eating tendencies, but not with a frequency where I think it's an actual condition, but I could be wrong.

What’s your favorite Ben and Jerry’s ice cream? Phish Food.

Do you have a cat? Yes, named Roman.

Do you like polka dots? Yeah, I just like circles because I find them aesthetically pleasing.

Have you ever had surgery? Yes, I had tubes put in my ears as a baby and in my early 20s I had a pilonidal cyst removed.

What are you best at? I think my best skill is probably writing.

What are you worst at? Lots'a contenders here, lol. Catastrophizing. Social inadequacy. Overthinking in general.

Do you like men in suits? are you seriously asking this, I am but a basic bitch

Which of the seven deadly sins fits you the best? Sloth.

Do you go hunting? Absolutely not.

Have you ever wanted to be a ballerina? No.

Are you in a band? No.

Where did you last have sex? I've never had actual penis-in-vagina sex because of a combination of living with parents and my boyfriend has absolutely crippling performance anxiety that makes it kinda impossible right now. I last did sexual stuff in my boyfriend's bed.

Did you ever want to be an astronaut? No.

What’s the last party you attended? My niece's bday party.

Do you have your own computer? I have my own laptop, yes.

Are you trick or treating this year? No, I haven't done that since I was a young teenager.

What month were you born in? February.

Do you like where you live? No, this place drives me insane.

Do you get along better with your mom or dad? Mom.

Do you read classic literature? I've enjoyed classics I've read. I don't read them exclusively or necessarily favor them.

Do you have a deviantART account? I have two active ones; my main one is for photography, and the other is for mainly drawings.

Are spiders scary? They can startle me, but I'm not exactly afraid of them. I love them, even if I can be jumpy around certain types. I actually tend to be much more comfortable with tarantulas; I say that because I know for most people, that's their nightmare spider, but they're in my top three or four favorite animals.

Cheetos. Poofy or regular? Crunchy. The poofy ones get so stuck in your teeth. I mean I'll eat them and enjoy them, but I will always prefer crunchy.

What’s a total deal breaker in a potential bf/gf? A history of getting violent when angry is one. I will NOT fuck with that. But I honestly have a lot of dealbreakers.

When you read a book, do you use a bookmark or simply dog ear/fold the top of the page? I've used a bookmark since I got a meerkat one from my Australian friend Shaz! She sent me a meerkat postcard and included the bookmark.

Have you ever seen a panda in real life? Where was it? I have not.

Does it snow where you live? Not often and not a lot of it generally, but yes.

Have you ever been bitten by a spider? Not to my knowledge, anyway.

What movies did you watch a lot as a kid? The first two The Lion King films, Finding Nemo, Milo & Otis, Napoleon, Homeward Bound, etc. Mostly Disney or Pixar movies.

Do you like cucumber? Yeah, it's a vegetable I actually find fine. I especially like them with salt and vinegar.

Do you have milk in your fridge right now? What kind? Yes, I think it's 2%. I think Mom also keeps almond milk for herself, I don't pay attention back there.

When was the last time you were hungover? Never.

Do you know anyone who is anorexic? I don't think so.

What's the last insult someone said to you? Idk.

How much did your car cost? I don't have a car.

What is the last picture you received on your phone of? uh good question

Who did you last share a taxi with? I've never been in a taxi.

What do you hear right now? "They Don't Care About Us" by Beast In Black. Girt's got me obsessed with them.

Do you do anything to help the environment? We recycle. I take spiders outside (I know that sounds very minor, but come on, they serve the environment). I wouldn't even dare to litter.

What do you think of people who complain about Valentine's Day? I honestly totally don't get it. "You should celebrate love every day!!!" well no shit but what's the harm of having ONE day specifically dedicated to it???? I love Valentine's Day.

Have you ever had to get stitches? Twice that I remember.

Is your tongue pierced? It's not anymore; I had snake eyes years ago and it was my favorite piercing. I took it out however because I'm sure it was damaging my teeth when I would accidentally chomp down on it when eating and stuff.

Do you think that you have a pretty smile? No, I think I look high when I smile, especially with my mouth closed.

Are you keeping a secret that would shock people if they found out? I don't think so.

Are you scared to lose the person you fell the hardest for? I already did.

Do you have any friends that actually model? No, I don't think so.

Are you for or against gay marriage? jump off a bridge if ur against it <33333

Do you know anyone who’s committed suicide? An online friend named Journee when I was a teenager, at least to my knowledge. I guess since she was an online friend I never truly met, I really have no ACTUAL way of knowing, but I definitely believe she did kill herself. It affected me more than I even realized at the time, and I felt it then, too.

Have you ever imagined how it would feel kissing a certain someone? lmao yes

Is there anyone who doesn't like you? Multiple people.

What was the last thing you cried about? When we were in Charlotte, I had to walk much farther than my body could handle; frequently I felt like I was going to crumble onto the sidewalk. I had to cry a little bit in the bathroom when we got to where we were going because I was stressed, overwhelmed, scared, and mad at myself.

Do you have nice eyes? Meh. I wish they were bluer.

What are the bad things you've heard people say about you? I would much rather NOT do this to avoid falling into a self-loathing trap lmao

Have you ever caught a friend cheating on their bf/gf? My sister's friend, anyway.

Have you ever kissed someone that was high? No.

Do you think Jersey people are annoying? No. Making blanket assumptions about people depending on where they're from is dumb as hell.

How many exes do you have? If you include everybody that had the title of boyfriend or girlfriend, four, or five if you consider Girt an ex since we technically dated before this go-around.

Does your mom think you’re a virgin? Yes.

Is there someone that wants you to give them a second chance? shrug

Did anyone give you anything last Valentine's Day? Yeah, Girt got me flowers.

Do you keep condoms in your room? Not right now. We did in the past, but after failed attempts to even have sex, there's none left right now and since it's pretty clear sex is probably never going to happen until we live without our parents, we just. Don't keep any here.

Is there a secret you've never told your parents? Yes, but it's nothing important. Just things I keep private that affect nobody.

Does the person you last kissed still like you? Yes.

Are your parents still together? Hell no.

Do you have a large dog? If not, are you afraid of them? No and no.

Has anyone ever told you that they loved you, and you didn’t say it back? Yes. That's when I decided hey, maybe flirting with your best friend's boyfriend behind her back isn't a great idea.

Who is your favorite photographer? Anastasiya Dobrovolskaya.

Were you shy in high school? No, not really.

Do you know anyone autistic? Me. My niece Aubree. Pretty sure more.

Do you like your girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s parents? I love his mom. Never met his dad, he's dead.

Do you like Polaroid photography? Yeah!!!

Who was the last family member of yours that died? My maternal grandma, I think?

Would you be upset if you caught your boyfriend looking at porn? No.

Who of the opposite sex has seen you at your worst? Honestly, probably Girt. He's the one that came to the ER after I tried to kill myself, when I'd completely given up on life. But I suppose maybe it's Jason, who saw me basically fucking insane with heartbreak after he broke up with me. Idk. I lean towards Girt.

Were you raised by someone other than your parents? No.

What’s the last chore you did? Refilled Venus' water dish.

Is your father injured? He's had issues with his back forever. I think he recently had a leg problem, too.

Are you part Native American? No.

What are your pets’ names? Roman, Venus, Cookie (not exactly mine, but).

Have you ever worked two jobs? hello I'd rather die

What are the names of all the dogs you’ve ever owned? Trigger, Angel, Teddy, Dale, Cali, Delilah, Bentley, and Cookie. We had one more dog very briefly but I can't remember what Mom named her.

What is the cruelest thing a person has ever said to you? I'm a weak-willed deadweight that lies about being traumatized. Love you too, Sara.

Who have you most feared in your life? My dad, honestly.

What one natural thing would you most like to see? Aurora borealis.

Do you like the game Tetris? No, it stresses me out.

What’s the most rebellious thing you’ve ever done? I dunno.

Have you ever wanted to be a model? No.

Who was your first online friend? I think it was actually a girl named Kat, but it may have also been Mazzy. I met a lot of people around the same time when I joined the MM forums.

Does your mom dye her hair? Yes, the gray makes her self-conscious.

What’s the best kind of video game? (Adventure, shooting, etc) Horror.

Have you ever tried to break up anyone because YOU liked the guy/girl? I wanted to when Jason got a girlfriend after me, but I just barely managed to have at least SOME respect and left their relationship alone.

Do you draw fanart of anything? Not really. I've drawn meerkats from Meerkat Manor and portraits of celebs, but this isn't something I do regularly. I'm far more likely to draw meerkat OCs, if I'm gonna draw.

What was the last music video you watched? Did you like it? I think it was "Bleeders" by Black Veil Brides. It was fine, I mainly clicked the video just for the music.

Which one of your parents do you think is smarter? Oh, my mom by a trillion miles, I'll be real.

What band has the power to make you cry by splitting up? Oh Rammstein easily, they've had the same lineup since they started and they're like brothers so if they split I'd be devastated. I'll very likely cry when they simply retire, lol.

Can grills be sexy on a guy? Grills are sexy on literally nobody.

What’s your favorite comic book/graphic novel? I don't have one.

Do you prefer original or sour Skittles? SOUR

Do you find it easy to pass the time or do you get really bored? One of my most prominent depression symptoms is anhedonia. I'm always bored out of my mind.

Have you ever been in a Catholic confessional? Yes, I was forced to go to a Catholic church as a child and also was occasionally brought to confession. Don't do this shit to your kid, btw.

Who was the last non-relative you rode in a vehicle with? My boyfriend.

Do you expect to be married in the next 2 years? I have a feeling we'll at least be engaged.

Have you ever had an allergic reaction to an insect? No.

Who IMed you on Facebook last? Girt's sister Ashley.

What flags do you have in your room, if any? None. I'd like at least a small LGBTQ+ one, though.

If you’re not straight, who was the first person you came out to? Sara.

Who was the last person to add you as a friend on Facebook? I think it was Ariel, whose horses I photographed towards the end of last year.

[circa-specturgia]

hiiii :]

ice breaker ask game questions!

How many wips do you have? How many are you actively working on?

How would you explain your active wips to someone who knew nothing about it?

How do you want readers to feel while reading your story? and after they finish reading it?

@vsnotresponding

Hi!!! Thanks for this ask! ✨

For others reading, this is @incandescent-creativity’s Writeblr Icebreaker Asks List!

How many wips do you have? How many are you actively working on?

Currently, I’m working on four! I tend to bounce around them, with more or less of my ideas focused on one at any given time. I’ve gotten an idea for a new one, which I’ll list as well, though I haven’t talked about or posted anything connected to it on here yet.

Circa Specturgia

Prometheus

Lost & Found

Untitled

Vibration

I’ll put the rest of these under a cut since it’s turned into a bit of a long post!

How would you explain your active wips to someone who knew nothing about it?

I’ll try and give some small summary for each one! All the scenes and posts I’ve done for each of these are in my pinned post, though I’ll be making a new Masterpost soon!

Circa Specturgia -High fantasy with several original races, an intricate and complex magic system not too unlike Bending from A:TLA, and a mystery taking the characters across the planet in search of answers hidden across time. Lots of magic duels, forgotten history, a world with scars and bruises left behind by something ancient, and a cast which faces something much larger than any of them alone.

Prometheus - A crew of astronauts on a pioneering mission to Alpha Centauri get lost beyond the stars, with no hope of returning home, and must survive on the fringes of the universe, where space and time unravel, all while grappling with their humanity and the isolation of space. Exploring odd and abandoned worlds, encountering alien flora and fauna, and lots of character vulnerability as they break down and realize how much they need one another.

Lost & Found - A young woman find that her imaginary friend was never quite so imaginary, as she is thrust into the world behind the veil; the world within which the Lost & Found operates. A mysterious humanitarian foundation acting for the good of the people and the reality which they enjoy, and against those who would seek to watch it crumble and sway.

Untitled - A post-post-apocalyptic story, as I like to call it. Not right after the end of the world, but a good time after, once ever-resilient nature has had the time to heal and return to the world. A quartet of friends embark on a roadtrip across the world in some highly-modified cars, collecting books from the ruins of the old world and piecing together what it was that happened.

Vibration - This one, I only had the idea for a few days ago, but, so so far my ideas on it are scattered, though two things which will be central to it will be a magic based in vibrations; knocks, taps, rhythm and patterns, and a world with days and nights entirely unlike our own.

How do vou want readers to feel while reading your story? and after they finish reading it?

While reading is difficult to really answer. Obviously I’d like them to feel whatever the characters are feeling, though that’ll come down to how well I can write it! On a broader scale, however, I’d say perhaps; inspired, and hopeful? I’d like to write stories which communicate the visuals I see in my head, and I’d like to share those with others, to share the awe of a beautiful place for example. I’d like to write stories which, however bleak and dark and hopeless they may become, leaving the characters betrayed, on the edges of space, trapped in their own minds or reminiscing on all that was taken from them, in the end, allow them to get up, and to take the steps to control their own fate. To feel hope for a better tomorrow, to believe in themselves and in others. It’s not to say that tragedy won’t happen, but that it’s not the end of everything, that a little bit of solace may be found, and nurtured.

I hope this answered your questions! May I send you a few as well?✨

[danikatze]

Muddle

a multi-chapter Saraiya Goyou fic

[ID in alt text]

Chapter 1: What the Hell was the Hurry

Summary: The Five Leaves decide to leave Edo with Masa and Yaichi. Ume and Okinu are the first to arrive in their new home town, soon followed by Matsu. While Ume wants to give "opening up" a try, Matsu struggles with Feelings more than ever. An unexpected relationship develops between the two.

Read it on AO3 - or read it here:

Matsu arrived in town much, much sooner than Ume expected.

At the moment he and Okinu left Edo, heading for the place the Five Leaves had decided to try and make their new home, Matsu was still frantically running around (that is to say, walking everywhere much faster than a short guy like him should realistically be able to do) trying to get things done before his own departure.

The news that Matsu was closing up shop and moving someplace else must've spread like wildfire. The day after the Five Leaves agreed to leave Edo with Masa and Yaichi, there was a small, but undeniable queue of servants from rich families in front of his row house. Some he could please with the few hairpins or pipes that were still lying around and wanted to get rid of before moving anyway. The others placed more specific orders.

Otake, Ginta and Matsu still hung out at Ume's place while Ume and Okinu were preparing to leave, and every time Matsu was there he heartily complained about the orders. He hadn't declined any that Ume was aware of. Matsu was not good at refusing clientele.

Ume and Okinu were the first to start their trek to their potential new hometown, and, predictably, they were also the first to reach their destination. The two were planning to stay at an inn and explore the town from there. Miraculously, they found a vacant row house within mere hours of their arrival.

On her trip to the market the next day, at the end of the afternoon, Okinu spotted Matsu in the crowd. She was shocked to see him: not only did she not expect him to be there yet, he looked exhausted. As usual Matsu insisted that he was fine and asked her directions to the nearest inn. Okinu didn't believe it for one second, and dragged him home with her without completing her shopping.

As soon as Matsu stepped into the row house he collapsed. He was burning up and slept for nearly a full twenty-four hours.

Ume managed to get water and tiny amounts of porridge into Matsu in moments of sort of consciousness. Still, when Matsu finally woke up fully, he was craving food. His fever had gone down, but he looked pretty worse for wear still: he was very pale, his eyes were puffy and the fact that he hadn't shaved for almost two days didn't really help him. He was usually so presentable, which made this sight all the more concerning. It actually reminded Ume of the time Masa just rescued Matsu, after being held in the storage room of that candle maker for a few days. At the very least he didn't have any injuries this time.

Ume made him an elaborate meal, with a little help from his neighbours. They were already quite friendly to Ume, thanks to Okinu. He always let her introduce herself first, and made sure she mentioned he raised her on his own. Ume wasn't really comfortable taking the credit for that. She'd done so much of it herself, somehow. It was a really good ice-breaker, though. People were always much less scared of him when they knew that he'd single-handedly raised such a lovely girl.

"So hey," Ume stepped into the row house with a pot of tea that his elderly neighbour on the right made for them. Ume waited a moment for a sign of acknowledgement from Matsu. It did not come because he was too busy scarfing down the contents of one of many bowls Ume put in front of him ten minutes prior. It went in so fast Ume was unable to discern what exactly it was. Ume continued anyway: "did you do the impossible and say 'no' to your customers?"

Matsu put the empty bowl away and grabbed a grilled fish with his chopsticks. Before he himself seemed to realize it, he'd taken a big bite. He held up a hand, asking for Ume's patience. After a moment it appeared that he didn't have any patience himself, because he just moved the fish inside his cheeks so he could reply.

"Nah," Matsu said, then, realising his cheeks could not contain all the fish while talking, attempted to swallow a portion of his large bite and seemingly hurt himself in the process. With a strained expression he thumped his chest a few times, as if that would make the food go down easier, and continued with a tight voice, "I just kinda hid from people at some point, so I could finish everything in time."

"In time?" Ume placed two cups on the floor, and started to pour out the tea, but paused to squint suspiciously at Matsu. "For what?"

"Didn't wanna take longer than a week, or -- ow," Matsu now attempted to swallow a chunk of rice that apparently did not fit down his throat. Ume waited calmly - and judgmentally - for Matsu to get it down and start breathing normally again.

"- or I would've been stuck in Edo forever," Matsu finally finished his sentence.

Ume tried doing the maths in his head - this just obviously didn't add up. Admittedly, he and Okinu hadn't exactly rushed their journey, but they didn't make a leisurely trip of it either. The whole thing had taken them over two weeks.

If Matsu really did leave a week after them, that meant he'd done it in a week and a half.

Ume looked at Matsu, just woken up from sleeping pretty much twenty-four hours straight. He saw the bags under Matsu's eyes and the amount of food that he was currently consuming, and suddenly started to get very annoyed indeed. He sat up straight and crossed his arms. If Matsu noticed, he didn't show it: he only had eyes for the food before him.

"And you made the deadline?" Ume asked, hoping Matsu would say he finished everything sooner than he thought.

"By a hair," Matsu said, casually.

"What the hell was the hurry, you idiot?!" Ume failed miserably at staying calm. It was the indifference that really pissed him off. "Did you even sleep or eat?"

"Of course I did," Matsu's glower would almost be endearing if it hadn't been preceded by one of those infuriating eye rolls. To make matters worse Matsu decided to add, "I just didn't waste time on a bunch of hour long breaks in between, like you guys probably did."

"I'll have ya know that I didn't practically drop dead at our doorstep when we got here," Ume fumed, "and neither did my kid!"

"Good for you," grumbled Matsu, while stuffing some more rice in his face. "Anyway its none of your business how I travel."

"Oh yeah?" Ume laughed incredulously, "well then, in that case feeding you is none of my business either, lemme clear everything away for you."

"Don't --" Matsu practicality threw himself over the food that surrounded him, to shield it from Ume, "- touch anything."

His pale face flushed with embarrassment, although it didn't stop him from grabbing a bowl of miso and slurping it down as soon as Ume turned away in a huff.

Ume's blood was boiling, but he was really not in the mood for any of the bickering that he and Matsu normally liked to engage in. He was pretty tired from the trip himself, despite taking all the necessary rest stops at the roadside, in addition to the longer breaks they took for food and sleep. The first night they spent in their new place, it knocked both him and Okinu out for about two hours longer than usual.

Ume looked over at Matsu and narrowly avoided snorting at him. Matsu scowled so hard that his eyes almost vanished in his frown. A smile formed on Ume's face before he remembered that he was, in fact, still angry.

Well.. no, he wasn't in the mood for that either. And maybe it wasn't really fair to go all parental on a grown man who managed to run a successful business for a good while back in Edo.

He's so bad at taking care of himself though!

His anger subsided, but got the urge to make Matsu feel a bit self-conscious with a fun little snarky remark. Y'know, a little reward for not arguing.

"I'm impressed you still manage to get food in there, the way you're scrunching up your face," he said, with a self-satisfied grin.

"I'm impressed you- you're..," Matsu faltered, "Shut up, I'm exhausted.."

Ume's grin broadened. Matsu turned into such a pubescent teenager whenever Ume went into dad mode. He looked at the few signs of age on Matsu's face, and wondered how old he could be. In his thirties probably? None of the Five Leaves knew any of the other's ages, and they never asked. Ume didn't ask this time either. Instead, he collected some empty bowls to wash up, and left Matsu to simmer down a bit as well.

When Ume returned Matsu had cleared out all the dishes and was stretched out on the floor with his hands on his stuffed belly. At the sound of the door sliding open and Ume stepping in, Matsu lazily looked over, his head lolling to the side. After following Ume with his gaze for a bit, and Ume pretending he didn't notice while collecting more bowls, Matsu sighed.

"Thanks, Ume," he said.

"My pleasure. I like cooking," Ume presented the empty bowls, "and seeing people enjoy my food."

"I didn't mean the food," Matsu stared at the ceiling, and patted his belly, "although, thanks for that as well."

"Then what?" "Dunno,"

Matsu shrugged, "for worrying, I guess."

"Oh," this took Ume by surprise. He hadn't expected Matsu to cool down this much, "yeah, no problem. I have years of worrying experience, raising a sickly kid by myself and all." He laughed a bit and then added in a quasi stern tone, "She was never as damned reckless as you were, thank fuck."

"Hah," Matsu covered his eyes with his hands, groaning, "Masa used the same word to describe me ages ago. I should really do something about that."

-

It took Matsu a few more days to really get back on his feet again. If it were up to him he would've set out to find a place to stay for himself the very same day he woke up. Ume wouldn't hear of it, and made Matsu rest until he felt fit for at least one full day.

He didn't trust Matsu to be honest about that, but he was fairly good at evaluating someone's well-being. He'd been through too many instances of Okinu claiming she was better, and her falling ill again the next day. Once he started implementing his a-full-day-fit rule, she experienced much fewer relapses.

Matsu grumbled about it a lot and then, to Ume's great surprise and suspicion, put up a lot less resistance than he had prepared for. Ume kept an eye on Matsu as much as he could, and the only way to achieve that was to have Matsu take part in Ume's chores and other activities. As time went on it seemed that Ume didn't need to be distrustful of Matsu's compliance. In fact, if Ume hadn't known any better, he would have said Matsu enjoyed being forced into slowing down.

In the meantime Okinu used her charms to find a place for Matsu to live. In no time at all she managed to get half of her neighbourhood either keeping an eye out, or actively searching for a vacant row house. By the time Ume allowed Matsu to go free, he could move into one that was only a fifteen minute walk away from Ume's - or probably ten minutes at Matsu's pace.

Ume started looking for a building that would be suitable for an izakaya, because his little row house of course wouldn't do. That didn't stop him from providing his neighbours with home cooked snacks and (side) dishes. A bit of advertisement for his as of yet non-existent izakaya. He didn't have much luck yet though. Not that he expected to find something after being there for only a week or so, but he was a bit jealous of Matsu, as unlike him, he would easily be able to set up his business from a row house.

[the-broken-pen]

Word Tag

I’ve been tagged again, oh the horror (I kid) by the lovely @imaginativemind29new with the words Fire, Light, Book, and Chance. You keep picking words I do not have and I have realized I use the words lightly and slightly far too often.

Tagging with mild pressure, @imaginativemind29new @clairelsonao3 @jay-avian

Fire, Aletheia POV

“I curse you,” she called, voice raw. “I curse you with my bloodline, I curse you with my magic. I curse you with my heart.”

Her power rattled inside her with the rage of a thousand-pound waterfall, an earth slide, a roaring fire, a tornado.

She glared into him as if she could see his soul, see what made him twisted enough to pit her against her cousin.

“I curse you with everything I am.”

She let her power go, and it rocketed into the arena with a thunderclap so loud her ears rung—above, Clarke had the decency to look unnerved.

Around them, the walls of the arena began to crumble, and the crowd began to scream.

Light, Melody POV (and oh boy, does she have secrets)

Shit,” she cursed, and she fumbled her way out of the bathroom and into the hall. She made it to the kitchen with a fresh blooming bruise on her leg and an aching side and slammed into the countertop. Her fingers scrabbled through the door, the smallest amount of light coming in from the streetlight, until she found the drawer she remembered had the flashlight.

It clicked on, illuminating the empty kitchen in front of her like a beacon. She reached for her phone to check the signal and found it dead.

She cursed again. Jules was going to be pissed.

She headed for the garage, feet quiet on the ice cold wooden floors, and creaked open the door. There, on the wall, was the breaker box.

Her breath clouded in front of her as she stepped down onto the concrete, and she hurried to the breaker, wishing she had put on shoes.

When she pulled it open, she found a mess of wires and switches, unlabeled.

All of them off.

“Well fuck,” she said into the empty garage. “Time to get some work done.”

Chance, Briar POV (new character? No. Another WIP I forgot I had. I’m a horrible mother)

“Chelsea—”

“Shut up,” she hissed, shivering against Briar’s side. Her skin was uncomfortably cold. “Shut up, shut up, shut up. Please.”

Briar bit her tongue, and Chelsea shifted to press her lips to Briar’s ear.

“This world and its occupants are not made for us— we are a rare commodity. If we are found, they will take us, and we will never be allowed near another mirror again. They will never let us have any chance of freedom. And we will suffer, until we die.”

Gooseflesh sprung to life on Briar’s arms.

A sound that’s otherworldly and terrifying rattled through the walls, somewhere between a scream and a roar, and her very soul stilled.

Chelsea isn’t joking.

Book, Melody POV (because this is the ONLY time I have typed book ever in my life apparently)

Bromwell read her face like a book, then closed his notepad.

He nodded to the agent above her.

“You can take her wherever Waters wants her to go. I think this was a decent first session.”

She let the agent guide her to her feet, hands gentle around her stitches in a way she had never had someone be, as her mind played the same question over and over in her head on repeat.

Have you ever wanted to hurt someone?

No.

Her mind purred with animosity.

Liar liar, it whispered. Such a liar.

Well how about that folks? I want to write but am so utterly enthralled with my own story ideas (and so utterly incapable of doing them Justice) that I cannot decide which one to work on. The options are: Serial killer story, pirate and siren story, dystopia rain story, superhero story, and mirrored fae world story. Comment your pick please I beg.

[tiamat-zx]

2022 AO3 Wrapped

Tagged by @blorbologist (You asked for it, I might as well do it!)

And keep in mind, I might not be able to link to any of the stories, but I WILL post their titles so you can look them up.

AND BE WARNED. A lot of these fics contain spoilers.

Works published: 73 (And I intend to leave it at that, save some ideas for next year which is literally right around the corner.)

Word Count: 134,670. Not bad.

Bookmarks: 190. Wow.

Shortest Fic: “Necessity, the Mother of Invention” at a paltry 100 words, published 2022-03-10. It was just a little post-C2 Drabble where Beau gets to ask the Brenattos for a little bit of magic training. Just to expand her kit. Nothing big, just something nice and fluffy.

Longest Fic: “Traveler’s Eve”, published for the final day of Whumptober 2022 at a decent 6,600 words. Basically what it says on the tin: a revisiting of the events of the first half of C2’s Traveler Con episode, from Beau’s point of view. Namely, it’s her coming to a resolution regarding Jester and Yasha, along with her moments with Caleb and Fjord in said episode. Also, I had art commissioned for it that was done by “undeadharlequin” on IG, and now it’s my Tumblr banner. Thanks again, Jas!

Sadly it’s quite lacking in kudos… and more importantly in comments. Please go read it.

Gift Fics for Me: 7 this year. 6 by @warriorbard2012…

“Moonlight Possibilities”

“Say Goodbye to the Yesterdays that Owned Us”

“Nicodranas Family Vacation”

“The Surprise Party”

“Lone Wolf No More”

“The Second Time Around”

…and one by @jtr-99.

“Remnant”

Thanks again Mari and Jill! Back to the list!

Gift Fics for Others: Quite a few. Twenty-three in total.

“‘Cause it’ll never go away (Until the fear that you are runnin’ from is finally embraced, face to face)” for @january3693

“Ice Breaker to Remake Her” for @warriorbard2012

“What Could Have Been” for @idragonspyro

“Halfling Love” for @flyingraven

“Phantom Pain” for @ss117

“One Lucky Kitty” for @grayintogreen (Because she loves Cree so much)

“Taurs R Us” for @sylvanfreckles

“Nowhere To Go But Down” for @cole-lynid

“The Big Day(s)” for @jtr-99 @cole-lynid @warriorbard2012 @grayintogreen (My finale fic for Beauyasha Week 2022, and I just had to not only dedicate it to them, but also to make it a wedding fic!)

“A Memento” for @warriorbard2012 and @jtr-99 (Post-Iron Shepherds, going along with the now popular headcanon that Beau got her eye scar from Lorenzo and thus doesn’t want it healed and gone. So that she never forgets.)

“Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow (But Also Sweet Payback)” for @grayintogreen (Because Lucien. ‘Nuff said.)

“Cobalt Soul Searching” for @jtr-99 (Quite possibly one of the darkest fics I’ve written as it IS about that lingering trauma after Cognouza. Because there’s no way that Beau and Caleb didn’t get out of that mess without some PTSD. Also, it’s to address the fact that they never quite told the Soul about the eyes. This is about Beau finding the courage to open up about it.)

“Marigold” for @grayintogreen (Because she loves Jayne, and I had to do a fic with her in it.)

“Scientific Method” for humandisaster1313 and @grayintogreen (Okay… THIS one is VERY DARK. Very much hurt no comfort. And Whumptober 2022 gave me an outlet and a reason to finally write it. But THANKFULLY it’s balanced out by…)

“Treading Lightly” for humandisaster1313 (…a story about Veth being a badass on a boat.)

“‘I was flying past the stars on silver wings. It was wonderful.’” This one was for @ghostofwhitestone as another Whumptober fic, and sure enough, while the ending may be divergent NOW, it DOES tackle what poor Laudna was going through in limbo before Bells Hells sundered her free. And yes, the title is a reference to the novel “Matilda”. For obvious reasons.

“Reflection” for @jtr-99 @warriorbard2012 and @grayintogreen (I had never really done an “origin story for Dairon before. This was my opportunity to do so. Especially as a ‘first meeting’ between her and Yudala Fon, and how they would end up meeting Beau in Zadash on that fateful Sydenstar day in Trostenwald.)

“Chill Touch” for @svartalfhild (Yay, a fic about Ashton and Laudna and how she would be the sole exception to Ashton always feeling pain just from touch. Happens post-C3E38.)

“Family Resemblance” for humandisaster1313 (My final gift fic tied to Whumptober 2022. One in which mother and daughter team up to take down some ne’er-do-wells.)

“Forget-me-not” for @grayintogreen (Okay, this one’s a rather somber one because I wrote this on November 5th, to mark the 11th anniversary of the day my mother lost her life. As such, it’s a story of grief and mourning. And in this case, it’s Beau at Molly’s (empty) grave.)

“Mother Knows Best” for @warriorbard2012 (I will never stop loving “Worth Fighting For” from C2, and as such, I just had to write a story about the moment between Veth and Beau from the former’s POV, in which she decides to forego her usual trolling and do what mothers do: be supportive.)

“Like You’ve Seen A Ghost” for @blorbologist (Because Percy and Vex and all their trauma. Also Laudna’s.)

“Fresh Start” for @cole-lynid and @khalliys (This fic is twofold: it’s for Lynid’s birthday, and the ending came about due to Khal’s art of Beau being super casual and Yasha having a, well, justified reaction. It is also my most recent fic, and thus my last fic of 2022.)

PHEW! That’s all of them!

Collabs: Sadly no real collabs this year. I flew solo.

Events: Febuwhump 2022, Beauyasha Week 2022, and Whumptober 2022.

Most popular by kudos AND hits: Funnily enough, I have two.

The aforementioned “Phantom Pain” with 765 hits and 87 kudos.

“The Lion’s Snare” with 500 hits and 112 kudos.

Actually, I have a third, one that’s more consistent with a better kudos/hit balance: “The Dream or the Dreamer” with 595 hits and 103 kudos.

Most popular by comments: “Eyes on the Prize” with only 10 comments. (Of course, that could change before the end of the year.)

It’s honestly rather depressing because I feel like I’ve been getting less and less comments. It’s more kudos than anything else.

But I like reading feedback. It makes me smile knowing how much you liked it.

Hopefully I’ll see more feedback down the road.

Fic that made me smile: The aforementioned “The Second Time Around”. I’m looking forward to seeing how Mari ends that story. Also, there are so many other stories that made me smile this year, too many for me to list lol

Fic that made me cry: Aside from some of my own pieces… CURRENTLY I’m being emotionally compromised by @waltwhitmansbeard and her Vaxleth Medieval AU story “My Fair Lady”.

Also, what absolutely broke me early on in 2022 was Jill’s “Shadows of Rancor”. Because that one goes into some dark places… and there is death. They do get better, but… ouch. It hurt in the best way, and I eagerly await the next installment whenever that may be.

Okay… I think that does it! As for whom I’m tagging…

Well, aside from the ones I’ve already tagged, there’s also @viciousmollymaukery @professor-rye @pryingblackbird .

See you all in 2023!

[chiisaikintsukuroi-moved]

KNOWING YOUR PARTNER WELL CAN POTENTIALLY MAKE WRITING TOGETHER A LOT EASIER. ( REPOST DO NOT REBLOG ! )

NAME: Stray

PRONOUNS: She/Her

PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION: Just an ask through here is fine, a few people have my Discord and that's totally fine too.

NAME OF MUSE(S): Edward Elric, this is speciffically an AU of a modern universe for the character and is the main, default verse I play off of. Anything else has to be requested or plotted out. I have two other blogs on here for two other muses(Pride!Ed from Bluebird's Illusion and Peter Parker from the MCU) and if you have ever RPed with me on Discord there's probably....10-12 other characters I play as ranging from canon to OCs?

EXPERIENCE/HOW LONG (MONTHS / YEARS?): On tumblr since 2014, in general probably ....2007 or 2008? So at least 14 years now

PLATFORMS YOU’VE USED: GaiaOnline, Skype, tumblr, and Discord

BEST EXPERIENCE: After RPing this long, theres no way to pick just one, there's just way too many instances

RP PET PEEVES/DEALBREAKERS: I would have to say the top two would be not reading rules/abouts(they are there FOR A REASON), and just genrally bashing/harrassing someone just because their portrail/ships/verses/whatever just aren't someone else's particular cup of tea. Like the unnecessary being mean and vile just for the sake of it or to make yourself feel better, take it somewhere else. We're here to have fun.

FLUFF, ANGST OR SMUT: I enjoy fluff because I'm usually mean to a number of muses I play, both on and off tumblr and yes, sometimes muses being tooth rottingly sweet together, platonic or otherwise, is fantastic. Angst is actually one of my favorite "genres" and I love getting to play it, but I can't always find partners that want to do that. Part of that is I've had a lot of partners who take "angst" to just mean relationship angst/pining and that's...not what I'm looking for. Smut I'm fine with but I'm not great at, and it has to be 1) with a muse that my muse is interested in to some level and 2) a mun that I'm comfortable with as well. I've done kinky and vanilla stuff but as someone who's asexual, it's...weird, sometimes? I can do a whole thread of kink and then for the next two months want nothing to do with it while my muse is in horny jail.

PLOTS OR MEMES: I like both! Memes are great for on the fly, ice breakers, or as one of my friends likes to do sending "a challenge"(a.k.a. sending something with no warning or context and wishing the best of luck to figure out something to do with it. Lots of fun). I do also love plotting too, both in depth in one go and just figuring out some basics but then building up on it as we go.

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES: I don't have a preference. Both are great in their own ways, but I need at least something to work with. Two lines is not something to work with usually unless it's like....a crack thread, or similar.

BEST TIME TO WRITE: If I am awake and not busy, it's a good time to write. I'm halfway nocturnal ask anyone who's talked to me at length for a month, and most stuff I reply back to pretty quickly, 1-2 days is my average unless I really need to think out a reply so yeah...if I'm awake.

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S): I think there are a few similar traits, but I wouldn't say I'm just like any one of them.



Tagged by: @protectivemuses Tagging: anyone who’s interested in doing this for themselves!

[indigo474]

that's the way

im done dating this shit. no one will ever ever read this- including me- so what does it matter what day it is? it doesnt. We do these ice breakers in work. a group of us were asked.. if you won the lottery, what would be the very first thing you would do- i said before i even had the cash in had i would go buy a sports car. i told the group if they ever see me roll up in a fancy sports car they should know something is up. a few weeks ago my co worker came to me and said whenever i see a sports car i think of you. I thought that was sweet.

today a co worker asked me what i was doing this weekend for halloween.. i told her i wasnt doing anything for halloween but i planned on working out and doing stuff around my house and maybe a trip to home depot. she got real serious with me and said how on earth do you ever expect to meet someone? i thought it was an odd thing to say - i'm not expecting to meet anyone- i'm busy taking care of myself- meeting myself. enjoying my life, doing whatever i want. people are fucking weird. it's hard for most people to believe that a person can be perfectly happy being by themselves. this coming from someone who is waiting for her boyfriend to propose-they have 2 kids together- he had 6 or 7 total with a few baby momma's. when she told me shes waiting for him to propose i wanted to tell her she's a fucking idiot- but i would never because her life is none of my business. and i'm just not that rude- i'm always taken aback when people think they can freely make assumptions about my life. i watched an idiot go around the rail road crossing gate-i thought to myself that was pretty ballsy. I watched as another car was trying to do the same thing. i could clearly hear the train whistle- once, then again.. i thought for sure the car was going to get hit by the train. i couldnt believe what i was seeing. the car eventually backed up. what is wrong with people? i like my house. im not use to living on 2 floors. i'm not crazy about my commute.. im trying my best t embrace it but im not loving it. james made a comment about my arms tonight.. he said im starting to get muscles. i worked out hard tonight. im all about the dead lift.. 155lbs. i have to get back into running.. i cant run after work so i have to adapt and adjust- i am struggling. i'll run tomorrow am. full moon saturday plus an eclipse.. its going to be beautiful outside-beautiful -

[theprettynosferatu]

I

Britney smiled a well-rehearsed smile. Be pleasant. Be kind. Smile through the fear, smile through the pain. Midwestern stoicism. A part of it was a sort of “fake it ‘till you make it” method: if you looked happy, pleasant, at peace to the world, maybe at some point you’d start believing it, you’d forget the mask was just that. Well, that didn’t work for Britney. Not one bit. She felt the monster always there, lurking under her cheer. Her new therapist, Roderick, was staring at her. She kept her poise. She needed to get the measure of the man as much as he was evaluating her.

“So, Britney, what brings you here?”

No. Not yet. Perhaps never. She had to know Roderick could be trusted before she spoke the truth.

“Just… a lot of stuff”, she replied.

“Okay. Where do you want to start? Do you live alone?”

Good. Safe turf.

“Oh, I live with my parents and my little sister, Christina.” She noticed the therapist’s eyebrow raising slightly. “Yeah, I know. Britney and Christina. That’s what you get with parents a bit too into late nineties music paired with a bad sense of humor. I mean, I’m okay with it now. Christina hates it, though. Goes by Kelly anywhere other than home, and even tried to get our parents to call her that. Of course they didn’t. Big fight that day, but she’s at that age, you know? Eighteen as of two months ago.”

A cute ice breaker. Not saying anything too personal, but being pleasant and fun. Roderick laughed.

“Sorry. It’s just… Britney, you know what was the first CD I ever bought with my own money? Baby One More Time. So as far as I can see, I’m talking to my idol!” he joked.

Britney laughed. It was weird. She had been bombarded with Britney jokes all her life, and yet Roderick’s laughter seemed so genuine, so contagious. And for a man, that confession would not have been easy to make, so he was either gay or supernaturarly confident.

“But seriously, what’s troubling you?”

Okay, Britney figured. Let’s give him a taste.

“I have these… problems. Anxiety, depression, guilt, insomnia, a feeling that…”

“...That no matter what you do you’ll never be good enough, productive enough, pure enough, virtuous enough?”

Read her fucking mind.

“Pretty much”

“I get the feeling we’ll be talking about your family quite a bit”

“That… yep, that’d be inevitable”

“Only when you are ready. You mentioned guilt, though”

Shit. He picked up on that quickly.

“I did”

“Why is that? I’m not a mind reader, but I doubt I’m sitting in front of a mass killer or something”

Okay. Maybe it would be better to rip the band aid off. Either he would run for the hills, kick her out or believe her. Britney prayed it would be the latter one. She also feared it.

“So… what do you know about hypnosis?”

Roderick looked confused.

“Hypnosis? Well, it was seen as a valuable treatment method in early psychology. Fell out of favor for a while, but some newer methods take some inspiration from it, like EMDR, or even some kinds of meditation. Britney, are you looking to be… hypnotized?”

Britney’s pussy felt warm. Shit. She hated how much she still loved the idea.

“No. No, I… Okay, I guess you can imagine how… that method can be used for, you know… sexual things”

Roderick turned red. Poor man, he looked like a kid getting the birds and the bees talk. Time to grow up, Roddy.

“I suppose… a sort of roleplay scenario could involve pretend hypnosis, a form of, hum, domination play…”

“I don’t mean roleplay. I mean the real thing. Some, sure, there is some measure of roleplay involved. Some people play at being under, or play at hypnotizing people. And some may half believe it, I don’t know. I’m saying it was done to me. For real. And I wanted it at the time, or  wanted some of it, but what he… they did to me was… beyond anything I agreed to”

“Okay. I’m sorry, I’m trying to understand. You were hypnotized for sexual pleasure?”

“Yes. Consistently. Thoroughly. For a long time. It was a… deep brainwashing. Deep. I wasn’t… me. I was something else entirely. I was… a doll. I… obeyed. And I liked it. I was… conditioned to like it. And I… did things in that state, I… recruited others. I… and, huh, some things… I’m over it, but some… huh… notions were left behind inside me”

The therapist tried to take it all in, to come to grips with the information in front of him. Was it a delusion? Was it half real? Was it a fantasy run amok?

“Notions? Tell me about it”

He didn’t ask. He commanded. He probably didn’t even notice, but Britney had no choice. She had to answer. The words came out, clear and revealing as a wave of pleasure coursed through her body. It felt good to obey.

“To this day I have immense difficulty not obeying a direct command from a man, especially one of a sexual nature. My body enjoys complying with the demands of a man”, she blurted out.

“That’s, huh… sounds like a rather… dangerous predisposition”

“Not that much. Most men don’t go around telling random girls to blow them, you know?”

“But surely if some unknown person just told you to…”

“I’d fall to my knees instantly and love it”

Britney looked at her therapist. Make or break time. He would tell her to leave, or… 

“I don’t think that’s possible. Not without…”

“Months, years of indoctrination? Because that’s what I got. And I did things… I’m not proud of”

“But such a degree of… ingrained need to comply… that’s the stuff of cults, or… I don’t know, the harshest black ops military training. It takes professionals, time, effort, consistency…”

“I was very diligent. A good girl. And I don’t know if… he was a professional… but he knew what he was doing”

“So you believe you were brainwashed”

“I don’t believe. I know!”

Britney was getting upset. This she had not envisioned. Stubborn mule. How was he supposed to help if he didn’t understand? If he didn’t believe what was her lived reality? And he was barely hiding his frustration. He really didn’t think it was possible.

“I understand, Britney. But there are things I don’t really follow. Implanting such a… deep trigger would take willing cooperation and constant reinforcement…”

“Which I did. To myself. Every night, almost every day too. I went deeper and deeper… edging… never cumming… deeper and deeper…”

“Britney, are you okay? I think there’s a degree of… delusion happening. You believe you have to obey, but you don’t, and a part of you knows it. I think, faced with the reality of what you claim, the delusion wouldn’t be able to take hold. If, for instance, I said ‘take off your shirt’...”

Britney moaned as she stood up. She smiled seductively. Please. She needed to please. She winked as she slowly removed her flowery shirt, revealing her large, tempting breasts, barely held by her bra.

Roderick looked in amazement.

“Holy shit…”

II

Britney closed her bedroom door. She had lied to her mom about having grabbed some fried chicken on the way home. A part of her had wished her mom had noticed the obvious falsehood: Britney had become a very conscious eater, and random fried chicken from a fast food joint was something she’d normally avoid like the plague. Of course, her mom hadn’t realized that. 

Music blasted from Christina’s room. At any other time Britney would be annoyed by her little sister’s disregard for how her actions affected those around her: now it was perfect cover. Britney had learned to keep her own noises down, but there was always the chance that a moan might be a tad too loud. Well, she didn’t have to worry about that… and she knew she’d be moaning and whimpering soon. 

The command bounced inside her head like an unrelenting echo. You will do to yourself what they did to you. You will use all you know to brainwash yourself for me. You will do your best to fall deeper than ever before.

Brintey was terrified. Roderick had used a firm tone that made it very clear he expected her to obey, and Britney had known, at the very moment she had heard it, that she would. There was a small part of her, tucked away in some corner of her mind, that screamed and screamed and screamed in vain. Britney would not only do as commanded: she would do her very best and she would feel irresistible pleasure at the knowledge she had obeyed like a good girl. That small part of her pleaded for her to stop, told her that she had barely come back from her last brainwashing, that if she did this there would be no going back to normal ever again. Diligent Britney, good girl Britney, intended to make sure of it.

Big projects required planning, so Britney started writing her road to perdition. She would need audios, very specific ones: luckily, she knew someone that recorded them on the cheap. She would need mantras. She would need to find the right porn. And she would need to be very deliberate, very careful. After her unwilling brainwashing, she had put up limits, mental barriers, big red lines that would snap her out of doing anything she might regret. She would have to destroy them. Luckily for her, no one knew her weaknesses like herself. She made a list of everything that would normally be a step too far and a strategy to make herself love it, long for it, give in to it with joy. 

After a couple of hours her plan was set, and payment for audios sent. Those would arrive the following day, but there were actionable items to take care of immediately. 

Any good brainwashing started with edging. It was the key that unlocked many doors: playing with her pussy endlessly, never letting herself cum, shut up her critical thinking faculties. People were vulnerable when they were horny, and she hadn’t had an orgasm in years. Every moment edging was an act of submission and self-degradation. It simply told her body: you don’t deserve to cum. Edging made her soft, malleable; her mind permeable. Ideas could enter and lodge themself deep, grow and like a vine grab and cover up other, less sexy, less convenient ideas. Edging while reciting those new ideas was a more advanced technique: one Britney had mastered for years. She could edge and repeat the words with such skill that it felt natural to her, as if her own voice was independent of her, coming at her from outside and burrowing deeper and deeper as she edged and edged. It took no effort for her to enter a state where she was there and not there, the castle of her subconscious with doors open and unbarred. That vulnerability, that hopeless abandon was the terrifying delight that got her soaked, as if she was opening her naked legs in the middle of a park at night. It was a complete mental surrender. She chose the first mantra, a simple one to begin with, and slid her hand between her legs. She was already wet.

I don’t need to think. I’m just Master’s toy.

Every time she said it, it felt more true, more solid, more real. It felt obvious. Of course she was just a toy. His toy. What else could she be? The waves of pleasure pushed her deeper and deeper into blissful mindlessness. It was okay. She didn’t need to think. She was just Master’s toy.

An hour passed. Britney knew because she had set an alarm on her phone: left alone she might have stayed under all night. Pleasant as that sounded, she had a plan to follow. She made sure to drink some water. Edging took energy and she needed to take care of herself. What use did a broken toy have? No, she had to follow the plan. She looked at the list of mantras. Any doubt that she would follow every one had vanished. She was His. She needed to be perfect for Him. The little screaming voice was barely a whisper. She put on headphones, turned on the porn playlist she had made, reminded herself of her mantra and went back to edging.

I exist to please Master’s cock. Two girls worshiping a dick with their mouths. I exist to please Master’s cock. A woman bound, taken from behind with no regard for her pleasure or comfort. I exist to please Master’s cock. A camgirl fucking herself with a horse dildo. I exist to please Master’s cock. A woman being passed around a party like a living fleshlight. I exist to please Master’s cock…

The alarm brought her back. She felt fuzzy and dizzy and so good. She felt light, as if the weight of fighting, stressing out, being a person had been lifted from her shoulders. She felt happy. She felt like she had a purpose. She drank some more water and ate an energy bar. She allowed herself a few minutes to float along in her state of secure bliss. She was being a good girl and she knew it. She was doing what she was meant to do. One more session, then sleep. She had a long day ahead of her. She chose her third mantra.

I must obey, no matter what.

To be continued...

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[blu-joons]

When You Find Out That You Were A Bet ~ BTS Reaction

Jin:

“You’re still here,” Jin commented in surprise, stunned by your presence on the living room sofa as he finally came home after giving you some space to think.

Your shoulders shrugged back across at him, “I’m only here whilst you’re not. I’m going to Y/F/N’s now that your home, don’t worry.”

“Do you have to go to Y/F/N’s right away?”

Your head nodded in reply to Jin, quickly picking up your bag. “I don’t want to be here right now, and I definitely don’t want to hear any of the excuses that you came up with whilst you were out on your walk too.”

“I just want to tell you the truth, there is no excuse,” Jin tried to tell you, only for you to walk straight past him and towards the door.

“You’re right, there is no excuse,” you informed him, “because doing this to someone simply cannot be excused Jin.”

“Y/N,” Jin called out, “just please know how sorry I am about this.”

“You’re sorry I finally found out Jin.”

Yoongi:

“I mean it’s not as if you actually confessed to Y/N anyway,” Jimin joked, looking around the rest of the room expecting laughter, only to get stares instead.

You especially had your eyes narrowed back across to Jimin in confusion, “what do you mean he never actually confessed to me?”

“Why don’t we talk about something else?”

A lump ran down Jimin’s throat as Yoongi tried to nervously change the subject. “Y/N doesn’t know about the bet, does she?” He asked, sinking down in his seat as he realised that he’d dropped Yoongi in it.

“Confessing to me was a bet?” You asked Yoongi straight away, the smile on your face disappearing as you tried to make sense of what was going on.

“Not quite,” he mumbled, “I mean it was a bet to do it, but it wasn’t because I didn’t like you, because I did.”

“I see,” you sighed, “I think I need some fresh air.”

“Y/N, I’m really sorry.”

Hoseok:

“You can’t include that story in your speech,” you told Hobi, shaking your head as you read through what he had written down for his speech at your reception.

His head shook back at you, taking the script back from you. “It’s a funny story, it’ll be a good ice breaker too whilst everyone is still sober.”

“Finding out that we’re together through a bet?”

A snigger came from Hobi as he realised just how silly it sounded. “I bet most people at our wedding don’t even know how we got together, it’ll be good to tell them what happened and how we first met.”

“You want everyone to know that the boys drove you into this?” You quizzed, “that you weren’t man enough to approach me all by yourself.”

“It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” he joked with you, “let me tell the story, I bet it will get everyone laughing.”

“If you’re sure,” you replied, “but you might embarrass yourself.”

“I’ve done way worse than this.”

Namjoon:

“I had an interesting conversation with Jin today,” you told Namjoon as you sat down to the table for dinner, staring across at him with a blank expression.

Namjoon nodded, confused as to why you looked so cold back across to him. “What did you talk about?” He asked, completely unassuming of what had gone on.

“He mentioned something about a bet…and me.”

The look on Namjoon’s face quickly dropped, letting you know everything that you needed to know. “Did he explain anything about it?” Namjoon asked, watching as your head nodded, pushing your dinner away from you.

“Is it true?” You asked Namjoon, folding your arms across your chest, feeling your heart pound too as you waited for a response from Namjoon.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, placing his head into his hands, “I wanted to tell you Y/N, but I just didn’t know how too.”

“Wow,” you chuckled, “I really didn’t think this would be you Namjoon.”

“Please, just let me explain properly Y/N.”

Jimin:

“I think I’m just going to go home,” you told the boys, picking your bag from the floor as you began to make your way towards the exit of the studio to go.

As you began to walk, Jimin sat up from where he was sat. “Y/N, please,” he called out, but your head shook back at him, slamming the door behind you.

“Just give her some space Jimin, it’ll be alright.”

His eyes looked across as soon as Yoongi started speaking, shaking his head in reply to him. “She’s never going to be able to trust me again, this is a huge secret, one that I’ve kept from her for so long too.”

“It’s not a great situation,” Jungkook admitted as he met Jimin’s eyes, “but this doesn’t mean that it’s going to be the end of your relationship too.”

“When Y/N’s ready, talk to her,” Namjoon added, “if you explain maybe she’ll understand why you kept it from her.”

“Do you think?” Jimin frowned, “I wish that I had your confidence.”

“Don’t worry, things will be alright Chim.”

Taehyung:

“You know without the boys making that bet with me, we probably wouldn’t be here right now,” Taehyung laughed as you took yet another sip from your drink.

Your eyes rolled in response to him, “I still can’t believe that the boys had to make a bet with you to get you to come and say hello rather than stare at me.”

“I was terrified that I’d just end up getting rejected.”

Your head shook as a chuckle came from you too, “what made you think that I would ever say no to you? I used to watch you boys constantly at work and wish that I had the chance to interact with you one day.”

“I wonder if we’d have ever finally spoken if I didn’t have to win the bet with the boys,” he mused, “or would will still just awkwardly stare at one another?”

“I think you’d have said hello eventually,” you told him, “or you’d have embarrassed yourself in front of me instead.”

“No way,” Taehyung grinned, “I never humiliate myself at work.”

“What about that time you spilt your coffee?”

Jungkook:

“Have you got a moment?” Jungkook asked you, nervously knocking on the bedroom door to peer around and see you sat on the middle of the bed, staring into space.

Your head immediately shook in reply to his question, “I don’t have any time for you,” you bluntly responded, not even bothering to look across to where he was.

“Please Y/N, I just want to explain what really happened.”

As Jungkook went to step into the room, you held your hand up for him to quickly stop. “What’s there to explain? You made a bet with the boys, that’s all that I was to you, and I probably still am too.”

“You’re not, I really do love being with you,” Jungkook tried his best to assure you, “I wish that I could change how I introduced myself to you, but I can’t.”

“Just give me some space, please,” you told him. “My mind is busy enough without listening to you too right now.”

“Sure,” he whispered, “I’ll give you as much time as you need Y/N.”

“Thank you, at least you’ve done that right.”

---

Masterlist

[sequinsmile-x]

Serenity

She can take it. She knows her friend doesn’t know, and would never say anything if she did, so she says nothing.

She can take it, until one night she can’t.

-x-

A special shout out to @ssa-sparks and @hancydrewfan , who have both let me talk at them about this one shot for literal months. I started writing it in January, and kept revisiting it, and here we are!

-x-

Words: 3.7k

Warnings: This one is entirely about infertility, so please keep that in mind before you read it, and skip this one if you need to <3

Read over on Ao3, or below the cut

The first time it happens Emily doesn’t think much of it. The team were freshly aware of her relationship with Aaron, watching them like hawks both in and out of the field. It happened during the first team night out when they could be open in their affection with each other. Aaron had his arm slung over her shoulder as they all squeezed into a booth in a dive bar, Emily leaning up for a quick kiss to taste the whiskey on his lips. 

“You guys are so cute, I can’t handle it. When are you going to have kids?” 

Penelope’s excited words reverberated around Emily’s head, the rest of the sound in the bar fading out to white noise. She said something to her friend, a quip she couldn’t remember the second she finished speaking and looked up at Aaron, a wistful look on his face that made ice cold fear spread through her veins. Leaving her half convinced that their relationship was ruined before it could ever really go anywhere, something else that Ian had taken from her inadvertently, her life fracturing into splinters like the table leg he had shoved through her abdomen. 

She told Aaron the next morning, allowing him one last evening in blissful ignorance as she told herself that this would be a deal breaker. 

It wasn’t. He sat next to her in his bed as she told him calmly that it would only ever be the two of them and Jack. That children wouldn’t be a possibility. When she was done he nodded and pulled her into his embrace, and he told her that he loved her, for the first time, and that she is all he needed. 

It felt like a relief, that he so easily accepted something that she had come to terms with months prior to them ever even becoming more than friends. He accepted her for who she was, for what she could give him, and she realised that it was probably the first time someone had ever loved her like that. 

___

The well meaning, and often exuberant, comments from Penelope do not stop. At first they are rare, a quick quip over the phone when Aaron and Emily speak simultaneously on a case. A wink thrown at her on a pasta night at Dave’s when Emily helps Jack sit on the kitchen counter, both of them yelled at half-heartedly by the older man. 

She can take it. She knows her friend doesn’t know, and would never say anything if she did, so she says nothing.

It gets worse as her relationship with Aaron progresses naturally to living together in a home they buy, both of their names signed next to each other on the deeds. When they get engaged, the ring barely on Emily’s finger, Penelope says something about kids again, her excitement so intense Emily almost wishes she could bottle it. 

She can take it, until one night she can’t.

___

It’s a rare girls night. Penelope demands that her friends leave a night of what she called their ‘domestic bliss’ for drunken debauchery and JJ and Emily excitedly agree. 

They are in their second bar of the evening and Emily has already lost count of the round of drinks they are on, pleasantly buzzed as Penelope returns to the table with a tray of cocktails and what looks suspiciously like shots of absinthe.

“Fuck, Pen,” Emily exclaims, “Aren’t we getting too old for this?” She protests as she lifts one of the shots from the tray with a smirk on her face.

“Never, Peaches.” She replies, placing a shot in front of JJ too who groans, reluctantly picking it up. They clink the shots together and down them, Emily not even flinching, Penelope making a slightly disgusted face whilst JJ grimaces.

“You guys are animals,” JJ groans, taking a sip of her cocktail, “I have a 5 year old to deal with in the morning.” 

“Hey,” Emily exclaims, picking up her own drink, “I have Jack. Him and Aaron are both such morning people.” 

“Yes but he’s 8, almost 9.” JJ says wryly, a smile on her face. “Just stick him in front of a video game.”

“Sound parenting advice.” Emily deadpans, winking at JJ when she flicks condensation from the outside of her glass at her. 

“We’ve got to make the most of this time together.” Penelope says, fake irritation on her face. “Emily will be married soon, and you’ll both be wrapped up in your lives. Hell, as soon as Hotch and Em have a kid we might as well kiss nights like this goodbye.”

“Oh,” Emily says, ignoring the way she feels like she’s been punched in the gut. Something she thought she’d put to bed long ago. Usually she wouldn’t say anything, but tonight she does. The tequila in her system preventing her from holding it back. “I don’t think that will be an issue.” 

Penelope gasps, seemingly outraged. The alcohol in her system stopped her from seeing that Emily clearly didn’t want to talk about it. 

“What? You’re going to let genes like that,” Penelope says waving her hand around Emily’s face, “go to waste?” 

“I’m flattered.” Emily replies, trying to deflect. She sees it, the moment JJ catches on. A flash of something across her face as she takes a sip from her drink and places it back down on the table. 

“Pen-” JJ tries, seeing what Penelope can’t, the tension building in Emily, the way her hand tightens on her glass.

“All I’m saying is that you and the bossman would have gorgeous babies.” She says enthusiastically, only pausing to take another sip of her cocktail. “They’d be all dark and broody, but gorgeous and smart”

“Pen.” JJ says again, putting her hand on her friend's arm, her gaze fixed on Emily who was heaving in a deep breath. Penelope doesn’t hear her, fully in one of her rants that was almost to impossible to get her out of, whether it was work related or not. 

“I mean your eyes and his jaw line? It would be a crime if you didn’t.”

“Pen. Stop.” Emily snaps, finally getting her friend’s attention, feeling her chest tighten, her lungs cramped with anxiety. “I need you to stop,” she clears her throat, tries to bring her voice back to normal, ignoring the way it cracks slightly, “please.”

“Em, I-” Penelope says, looking equally hurt and confused as Emily stands up, gathering her coat and her bag.

“I should go. I’m sorry.” She says as she gives her friends a tight smile and leaves without looking back, ignoring how both of them called after her. 

She hails down a cab, her plans to get wasted with her friends that evening having meant that Aaron had dropped her to the first bar not even two hours ago. She blows out a breath as she slides into the back of the car and gives the driver her address.

Emily sighs as she enters the house, the warmth of her home engulfing her as she closes the door behind her.

“Sweetheart, you’re home early,” Aaron calls out, walking from the direction of the home office towards the front door, “Girls Night usually ends with you forgetting how your key works so I have…” 

His voice trails off as their eyes meet, and for a second, a fleeting moment, she hates how well he knows her. That he can see something is wrong, that she’s trying to hold something back.

“Is everything ok?” 

She shakes her head. “No.” 

He’s across the room in an instant, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into him tightly. She shudders in his embrace, and grips the back of the polo shirt he is wearing, her fingers digging in as if he was her anchor, the thing that kept her grounded. He can feel her tears against his neck, feel her sobs reverberating through his chest. He holds her steady, his hand running up and down her back. 

“Want to talk about it?” He whispers into the top of her head, the patterns he’s rubbing into her back not ceasing as she starts to calm down. She nods against him and he kisses the top of her head. “Let's get you onto the couch.” He pulls back and cups her face, a palm on each of her cheeks as his thumbs wipe away stray tears. “You’re still wearing your coat.” 

She chuckles. It catches in her throat, the sound watery in a way that twists his gut, but it’s something. A crack of her showing through the grief she had come home covered in, flowing off of her as easily as the cold air from the darkness outside. He helps her out of her coat and guides her to their couch. He remembers them picking it out together, Emily whispering what could only be described as filth in his ear as the furniture salesman explained the benefits of the different types of materials. 

He sits her down, never severing their connection, and he sits next to her. Their hands clasped together as she leans on him, curling back into his arms. 

‘What happened?”

“I yelled at Pen.” Emily mumbles into his shoulder, pulling away from him to wipe at her cheeks, her tears falling from her lash line. Aaron frowns, not expecting that at all, but he waits her out, understanding that she will tell him at her own pace. “She kept bringing up us having kids,” her chin wobbles as she tries to hold back the emotion, “and usually it doesn’t bother me. She does it all the time and I just let it go but tonight…” 

“Tonight you couldn’t let it go.” 

He still remembers the look on her face when she explained to him that it would never be a possibility, that she understood if it was a deal breaker for him. She had stared at him in the seconds that passed after in silence as he took in the information, and he watched as she let herself believe that it had gone exactly as she had feared.

As if there was anything that would make him stop wanting her. 

“No, I couldn’t.” She swallows against the lump in her throat and shakes her head at herself. “And she wouldn’t stop. I just…snapped.” She takes in a shuddering breath “I don’t even know if I wanted kids,” Emily says, her voice wavering, “before you I never had a relationship where I would have seriously considered it. And then…”

She drifts off, so he wipes a thumb under her eye and finishes her sentence for her. “The choice was taken from you.” 

She smiles sadly at him, nodding. “Yeah, the choice was taken from me. And, I don’t need reminding of that all of the time, as if my life is missing something because we won’t have a kid of our own. I have you and Jack and that's all I need.” She wipes at her nose, grimacing at the way it felt blocked since she’d started crying. “I don’t know why I’m so upset,” she sniffs and shakes her head at herself, “I’ve known for years. It’s not…new. But tonight something about it just felt different.” 

“Sweetheart,” he says softly, his thumb stroking at her cheek, “you’re allowed to be upset, there is no time limit on it. And I’m here no matter what, ok?” He waits until she nods and smiles at her, leaning forward to press a kiss to her forehead. “Did you end up eating anything?” 

She shakes her head before flashing him a watery smile. “We were going to get tacos next.” She wipes at her own face, finally feeling the tears come to a slow stop, the residual emotion heavy in her chest. “It’s a shame really, I was looking forward to it.” 

Aaron stares at her for a second before he stands, offering her a hand as he helps her up too.

“Come on.” He says, squeezing her hand, “I’ll take you to Taco Bell.”

She smiles at him. “Honey, that’s sweet, but I know how busy you are.” She says, the hand not wrapped in his falling to his waist. “That’s part of why I was going out tonight and why Jack is with Jess.” 

“You’re more important than paperwork.” He replies, kissing her quickly. “Tacos?”

She looks at him for a second before she nods. “Tacos sound good.” 

When they sit in their car in the parking lot of the fast food restaurant, Aaron leaning over to sneak some of her drink, making him laugh when she initially refuses, she can’t help but wonder if she’s ever loved him more. 

___

Emily realises she should have expected Penelope to come over the following morning. 

When they’d got home from getting food Emily checked her phone to find several missed calls from her friend, but she still didn’t feel up to talking to her, not wanting to hash anything out over the phone. The wound still felt a little more raw than she expected. In the end Aaron had sent Penelope a text, saying Emily was fine, but was already asleep. A white lie she was grateful for. 

When Emily wakes up she can hear voices downstairs, Aaron’s side of the bed still warm, the ghost of his embrace around her letting her know he must have only just got out of bed himself. She stretches, sitting up as she rubs at her eyes, grateful that since the evening was cut short, even in the circumstances it happened in, that it meant she was not hungover.

She’s half way down the stairs when she realises the other voice belongs to Penelope, and when she makes it to the first floor of their house she sees Aaron standing at the front door, their friend and teammate still on the porch.

“I just want to make sure she’s ok.” Penelope says, a hint of desperation to her voice. “The last time she yelled at me…” she drifts off, an air of sadness to her voice when she continues, “it was when Doyle was hunting her and we didn’t know.” 

Aaron sighs, “Garcia-”

“It’s ok,” Emily says from behind them, making them aware of her presence. She closes the gap between her and Aaron and puts her hand on his back, flashing Penelope a tight smile, “we should let her in.” 

Aaron’s eyes search hers for a second and Emily nods at him, a silent conversation that they had perfected long ago. In tune with each other's needs long before they had realised they were in love with each other. He opens the door and lets Penelope in.

“Thank you, sir.” 

“Garcia,” Aaron sighs, closing the door behind them, “how many times do I have to tell you that you don’t have to call me sir when you’re at the house.” 

“Sorry,” she says, clearing her throat, “Hotch.” 

The three of them stand there in an awkward silence for a moment before Emily clears her throat, her hand moving from Aaron’s back to his arm, squeezing the muscle she found there. 

“Honey,” she says, not missing the small look of delight on Penelope’s face at hearing the pet name, a window into the part of their lives they usually kept to themselves. The walls of their house like a fortress to the rest of the world, a carefully constructed sanctuary where they both could truly relax, “can you go make me some tea?”

He looks like he is going to argue for a second but he doesn’t, nodding instead as he walks towards the kitchen. “Garcia, do you want a drink?” He asks, and she politely declines, saying her stomach was still a little unsettled from the night before. 

Once they are alone Emily smiles tightly at her friend, suddenly very aware that she was just wearing a t-shirt that clearly used to belong to Aaron and a pair of shorts. 

“Shall we go sit?” Emily says, tilting her head towards the living room. Penelope follows her wordlessly, and they take a seat on the same couch. “I’m sorry I didn’t call back last night.” she says, not really sure where to start. “I just needed a bit of space.”

“Em,” Penelope says, “what happened? I don’t-”

She’s cut off by Aaron entering the room, a cup of tea in his hands that he passes to Emily. She smiles gratefully at him as she takes it, and he kisses the top of her head. Another tiny thing the others rarely saw. He excuses himself again, murmuring something about starting on breakfast. 

Once she is alone again with her friend Emily looks at her, and she sighs. There was no easy way to have this conversation, to explain something she would rather not have to explain, so she just decides to go for it. 

“I can’t have children.” 

Penelope gasps, opening her mouth to say something but Emily shakes her head, silently telling her friend that she just wanted the chance to explain. 

“I found out in Paris.” Emily says calmly, her hands cupped around the tea Aaron had handed her. “A lot of my follow up appointments were there, in Bethesda the goal was to get me stable enough to leave. Paris was where I recovered.” 

Emily had grown up feeling alone. As the only child of a career obsessed mother and an absent father that moved from country to country she was almost always surrounded by people. Security staff her mother hired to protect her when they lived in places that were deemed unsafe. The housekeepers who kept an eye on her, almost always kind in a way she secretly craved. People who would try and befriend her to climb the social ladder, the ambassador’s reputation preceding them whenever they were somewhere new. Despite constantly being surrounded by people she felt lonely, isolated in a political world she wanted no part of. 

She thought she knew how it felt to be alone, and then found herself in Paris living under a fake name with her own etched on a stone above an empty grave. The physical therapy was a trial, brutal and pushing her to her limit but it was something. She could focus on it, the pain and exhaustion after each session filling her brain, stopping her from thinking about what she left behind in DC. 

The hospital appointments were different. A laundry list of the permanent damage Ian Doyle had left behind, well meaning doctors telling her in broken English, despite her insistence she could speak French, that some things would never be the same again. Her only choice afterwards was to go home to her nondescript apartment and sit by herself. Children of her own becoming an option that had taken from her before she had even had the chance to consider it. 

“There is too much scar tissue in my abdomen for it to ever be possible.” Emily explains, hating the sympathy on her friend's face. It lanced at her, making her want to lash out again. She takes a deep breath and sip of her tea, a desperate attempt to recentre herself. 

“I’m sorry,” Penelope replies, “why didn’t you ever say anything? We tell each other everything. I never would have said any of that if I knew.” 

“I know you wouldn’t have.” Emily says, placing her hand on Penelope’s. “But it’s not anyone’s business except mine. And Aaron’s since we started to build a life together.” She tilts her head towards the direction of the kitchen when she mentions her fiancé, knowing him well enough to know he would still be within earshot of them, always ready to protect her. Even if it was from their well meaning friend. “And…” she drifts off, not wanting to seem standoffish or rude, but knowing it needed to be said. “I don’t tell you and JJ everything.”

There's a flash of hurt across Penelope’s face and Emily briefly feels bad, never wanting to hurt her friend, but wanting to make her boundaries a little clearer. To prevent this from happening again. 

“What do you mean? I thought we were friends.” Penelope says, and it makes a smile flash across her face. 

“We are friends, Pen. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had.” Emily replies, squeezing the other woman's hand. “But you know Aaron and I are both very private people, and we are a family now, along with Jack. And part of that absolutely has to exist outside of the BAU, we need to have some things that are just ours.” She smiles tightly when the other woman nods, and she feels something like relief in her chest. “I am sorry about snapping last night.”

“Em, you don’t-”

“I do. You didn’t deserve that. And I love my life, Pen. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything.” She says sincerely. “I just…I don’t need the constant reminders that in another life I could have had something different.” 

Penelope nods and hugs Emily, holding her tightly. “I understand. I’ll keep my fabulous, but sometimes unthinking, mouth shut about it all in future.” 

Emily huffs out a laugh, knowing that it was enough of an apology for now. “Thank you.” She pulls back from her friend. “Jack will be home soon, if you want to stay for breakfast. Saturday means pancakes when we are in town.” 

The other woman shakes her head slightly. “Thank you but I should go, I kind of…locked Sam in my apartment by himself because he was still asleep, and I don’t think he has a key.” 

Emily laughs and stands up. “Well, you should go let him out before we have to arrest you for kidnapping.” 

Penelope stands too and hugs her again, calling over her shoulder towards the kitchen. 

“Goodbye, Sir.” 

“Garcia.” Aaron’s voice travels back, the exasperation in it making both women smile. 

“Sorry…goodbye Hotch.” 

Emily shows her friend out, releasing a breath as the door closes, smiling when she feels Aaron’s arms wrap around her. She leans back into him, her hands coming to rest over his on her stomach. 

“You ok?” He asks, his lips against her neck, and she turns in his embrace, her arms looping around his neck.

“Like you didn’t listen to every word that was said.” She replies, an eyebrow raised at him, her fingers trailing through his still messy hair. She smiles when he still looks at her expectantly, his question still unanswered. “I’m ok,” she leans forward and kisses him, the taste of coffee and pancake batter on his lips, “I have you.” 

-x-

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