#so adhd brain go MUST CREATE

[thejournallo]

Hey I'm the one who asked about the lucid dreaming methods. And no , you didn't ask a dumb question. Actually, I am trying to enter the void state through a lucid dream , and I would like to know the various methods or techniques that help to induce a lucid dream soo I can enter the void state 😅.

Hi! Thank you for clearing that up! 

Some years ago, I started searching a lot about lucid dreaming, and some techniques were really interesting.  I'll put my head up. I don't remember the names of those technicians, so I'll try to identify them by summarizing.

Here are some basic and common tips: Lucid dreaming is when you realize you are dreaming and have some control over what happens in your dream. To enter the state of lucid dreaming, you have to be aware that you are sleeping and that you are actually living in a dream, and that is the most difficult part of lucid dreaming. When exploring methods, I saw that most require you to meditate or keep your mind engaged while your body sleeps. (The main idea behind a lucid dream is that you can change it and even create a new approach.)

-wake up and fall asleep. (5/10; too complicated) 

This method is one of the first that I tried, and in the long run, it is just tiring, at least for me. Basically, you fall asleep and have to wake up at least 3 hours later. Once you wake up, you go back to falling asleep, but this time you will slightly move one finger up and down. It does not have to be a full motion; it must be the softest touch possible because your brain must be alert but not totally awake in order to return to sleep.

-using your imagination. (7/10; good to keep your mind active)

This is how I fall asleep on a daily basis, and I only discovered a few years ago that it was a legitimate way. Simply sit in your most comfortable position and begin to envision whatever. It does not have to be about manifesting or entering the void, although if that is your objective, I recommend you do so.

-Write down your dreams once you are awake. (8/10; it is a slow method).

Something that I actually started doing is writing my dreams in a journal or in my note app, giving them titles, and writing down any details that I can remember. This not only helps us grasp the significance of our dreams, but it also teaches our brain that our dreams are significant, and you will begin to remember more, eventually leading to vivid and lucid dreams. I also suggest that you keep track of the time you sleep (I use my smart watch that tells me all the data when I sleep, but you can simply track the time).

-guided meditation (6/10; I have ADHD; I simply can't focus enough.) 

This is a great way to also relax your body and become aware of your surroundings when you are falling asleep. They are easy, and I actually suggest you try them. It is not an effective strategy for me because I tend to divert myself, but you are your own person! 

-Some shifting methods (8/10; believe me, they're worth it)

Several shifting methods, such as the Raven and Julia methods, are unintentionally good for beginning with lucid dreams. They help you because they keep your mind active and your body tired.

and i think that's all! @ddaycoming (i tagged you because you asked for some methods about lucid dreaming, forgive me if i disturbed you.)

If you are interested in other methods, I have a masterlist of things I have already talked about, and if you have more questions, don't be afraid to ask! 

[most-datable-datable-bracket]

ROUND 1 MATCH 1

Qiu propaganda:

“i love them sooooo much i was completely head over heels for cove but then i found out about qiu lin and ol2 and they took that spot in my brain IMMEDIATELY. that should say enough. also i just really want them to win this time </3”

“They're my beloved :] and also the only OL character not disqualified so I had to hdjdbdj I just wanna see how far they can go now :]”

“Genderfluid ADHD monarch. They enjoy mountain biking and ballet. As a kid, if they're set to Crush, they'll desperately try to find a way to link the MC's favorite color to themselves in an attempt to impress. They're the most popular kid in town and for good reason. Can be sharp as a tack, especially in social situations, but also can be so endearingly stupid.”

“Listen. Listen to me. Here's why Qiu Lin deserves the win (ha)

- They're a trans POC love interest (specifically genderfluid and chinese-american)

- They spend a lot of time in Step 1 (the first part of the game where everyone is a kid) being super nice and trying to accommodate for you

- They specifically try super hard to bring you (and Tamarack) into their already established friendship group

- (It doesn't work out super well initially but they're trying, be nice)

- Qiu's also just. Super sweet when you're set to have a crush on them in Step 1

- Like, their word count almost doubles when they have a crush on your MC

- There's one part of the game where you can bring up your favourite colour

- On a friendship route (or if you're set to neighbours), Qiu will maybe make a short comment about something related to your favourite colour

- On crush? Qiu stretches so far to tie your favourite colour back themself. Your favourite colour is green? That's the colour of their jacket!!! It's black? Like their bike, did they mention their cool bike!!! It's white, [imagine this is in italics] the inside of their house (no, really)!!! [end of imagining this is italics]

- They're also set to have an arc about much they accommodate for others and how they go from over accommodation in Step 1 to no accommodation in Step 2 to finding a balance in Step 3

- Also, like, they do in fact go through gender identity issues. In fact, they spend Step 2 not quite knowing their gender identity fully

Now, vote for Qiu!!!!”

Ai propaganda:

“alright fuckers buckle up tight cause its ai propaganda time. heavy on spoilers but i must make the glory of ai mikaze known to the world

ai mikaze is from the idol series uta no prince sama. he is part of the group quartet night, and he sings and also plays the synthesizer. during his route in the game, he was revealed to be a robot, created as a replacement for a former idol named aine who committed suicide in order to escape the stress of being an idol — the attempt however was unsuccessful and he’s been in a coma since. as such ai was created as a copy of aine, and their brain activity was linked — anything ai saw, learned, felt, and experienced would likewise be felt by aine while being unconscious.

ai is very curious in nature and enjoys learning as much as he can, and is also very hardworking, constantly putting maximum effort into his activities as an idol. he is known for having a “sharp tongue” however he is just blunt due to the way he thinks and processes situations because of him being an artificial intelligence. furthermore, since he is an a.i., ai states that he does not feel emotions and instead observes and studies those of others — when quartet night was assigned to be mentors to the group starish, ai mentioned he was interested in natsuki and syo as “test subjects.” despite this, he has been shown creating close relationships with his peers in both qn and starish over time

one instance of ai’s interpersonal development is shown by his faith in starish during the second season of the anime. while overseeing the group, he was worried for them while they were preparing for the performance competing for the utapri award. reiji commented on the fact that ai was worried, as it was unusual for him — later, ai was questioning reiji’s “belief” in starish, how he could be worried about them, and also questions what his heart is. while getting accustomed to more personal relationships, he is shown to sincerely care for starish, particularly because he has mentored syo and natsuki, then questions why he feels that way

another example is ai’s change in perspective regarding the idol group he is in; quartet night, formed by the idol agency shining entertainment, consisting of members reiji kotobuki, ranmaru kurosaki, ai mikaze, and camus. (fun fact, the idol that ai was created as a clone of was close friends with reiji during his time he attended saotome academy, which is an idol school associated with shining entertainment). the members of qn are very different in both personality and background, thus they often tend to get into arguments and are not quite as close as the members of fellow idol group starish, whom they mentor, are, rather they are more standoffish with each other — as much as reiji tries to get them to get along, his attempts often backfire and do not last long. ai often acts as a mediator when ranmaru and camus argue, but he still views the others as merely acquaintances and colleagues. 

i cant speak much for what happens with qn in the games bc i have not played them (curse you broccoli for never localizing them…) so i will talk about what happens in the anime. theres one episode in particular where their conflicts become so bad, reiji confesses he is fed up with trying to make them all get along and leaves. the other 3 wait for him to come back- but he doesn't. they reflect over their experiences together as a group and go off to find reiji, where they all come to agree that they may not explicitly be friends, however they work very well together and enjoy being teammates. this was character development for ai, showing that he was able to learn to accept and appreciate his teammates. so not only has he been shown to care for his juniors, but he has also grown to appreciate his own teammates 

finally, we come to his route and story. as previously stated the original games were not localized and i cannot read japanese so what i do know of his route is through summaries and such. in ai’s story, the playable character/mc, haruka, is tasked with writing a solo song for ai. as she did in the anime, haruka takes some time with ai to go out together so she can learn about him and determine how to write the song. as this progresses, ai becomes fond of haruka — this is unknown to him at first, however he eventually comes to realize he has fallen for her. from the uncomfortable feeling while trying to play the song arrangement, to admitting he worries for haruka, to wanting to experience memories he didn't have (thanks robot brain) with haruka, to starting a romantic relationship with haruka. ai essentially went from believing he could not feel human emotions, to experiencing enough of them to be able to love someone. additionally, while being with haruka, ai is able to embrace his true self and accept that, while he is an android, he is also capable of feeling and loving, just as humans do. he was also able to accept that, despite him being made as a copy of aine, ai is also very much his own unique person with his own unique experiences and feelings, and became more confident in his existence.

all of these events demonstrates ai’s immense character growth — from a nonchalant workaholic to someone who genuinely cares about those around him. he was able to accept who he is and become more of his own unique person. not to mention how absolutely sweet he is to haruka, he is so doting and loving despite not knowing wtf he is doing or feeling its actually so adorable. and can we also take a second to talk about how stunning his voice is (SHOUTOUT TO AOI SHOUTA YOU'RE DOING GODS WORK) like, his range, the mix of the calm, almost melancholic sweetness and the ability to pour powerful emotions into his singing despite not initially understanding such emotions, and how well his voice complements the others. he also is simply just stunning. i mean look at him. HES BEAUTIFUL.

ai has captivated me since the moment i looked into utapri and downloaded shining live (a fallen soldier… rip). everything i've learned about him as i've dug deep into the series has made me love him more and more. please appreciate this beautiful lovely guy known as ai mikaze”

[papermonkeyism]

For the new year, I wish I'll get to hang out with people again.

This past year has been, frankly, pretty miserable, specially since early summer-ish when my DnD group went on a months long break. Wasn't the first one, nor the last one, but definetely the worst one. Don't really have other friends locally, aside from one old school mate.

Honestly it's been pretty bad ever since the start of the pandemic when we stopped hanging out outside of DnD sessions and my fave coffee places closed down along with couple of my fave restaurants, and I just... Stopped having a social life, but now it's so much worse. As said, I have one (1) friend outside of the group I sometimes go shopping with, and one of my DnD buddies hangs out with me maybe once a week to borrow my laundry machine for couple hours, and they are probably the only reasons I haven't broken completely so far.

But neither of them are storytelling people the same way I am, so I'm kinda holding back when we hang out, as I can't really go all in with my special interests on them.

Downsides of being socially awkward introvert.

The summer break from roleplaying was a trigger for anxiety and maybe the worst creative block of my life so far. As someone who basically thinks with a sketchbook it was pretty fucking stressful not being able to draw anything for several months!

I crave creation and storytelling, but my brain is made of goo. Like imagine if someone came and asked you to pick a water from a pool and hand it to them? But it's liquid! Can I get a cup or something, but they just scoff. You got hands, right, just pick one up and hand it over. So I'm just left trying to scoop handfuls of wet and grabbing nothing. Kinda how it feels.

Started marathoning Crit Role to distract myself from the worst of it and to have at least some kind of creative energy in my life, and consumed what must be over half a thousand hours of role playing. At least that was fun!

And when nights started stretching and seasonal depression started to creep into my already not-doing-good brain I started my routine of evening walks because at some point I was legitimately going stir crazy enough to explode otherwise.

It's also been my first full year of joblessness in a long while. I was already having hard time by the end of last year, because my brain has difficulty handling full time jobs for long stretches of time, and ten months in a row not being able to recharge was starting to weight on me, so I had made a plan to get my brain sorted out with the ADHD diagnosis and hopefully medication before applying for jobs again, but turns out the process took the entire year, and then some, and I still don't have the meds yet. I have been given the thumbs up on them, but turns out me stressing for the better part of a year has triggered blood pressure problems (runs in my family, so honestly probably just a matter of time, but it's still very inconvenient to happen right now), so I have to sort that out first before it's safe to try stimulant medication.

And then there was the death in the family and a close friend's cancer diagnosis (fingers crossed!) and I just haven't had a great time, you know.

January's going to go into medical stuff in the hope of getting the ADHD meds, so maybe I could one day grab those thoughts again. The unemployment office is also pestering me again, so we'll see how that'll go.

I think I'll see if I can make myself a regular at the new cat cafe in town. Cats make everything better. Also looking forwards to actualizing a tattoo plan or two! Springtime is coming too, eager to continue my evening walk routine with returning sunlight. And I really, really, really need to create something again.

So here's for what I sincerely hope to be a better year than this past one! Cheers.

[pepperonibread]

My Little Darlin’ Knows My Nature

“Such a mysterious business, motherhood. How brave a woman must be to embark on it.” ― M. L. Stedman, 'A Light Between Oceans' READ ON AO3 or below the line break Title inspired by this song Vibes

A/N: OKAY, so I have a lot of feelings about this. I've been listening to a lot of different music lately, and been thinking about things in my head, and I have so much going on in my life right now. But I got an idea in my head at work the other day, and those that know my ADHD brain well knew the second I got on lunch I was on my phone ignoring the middle aged people I work with and WRITING. So I wrote until like 3am last night, dehydrated and crying internally. But here's the thing that makes this different (if it holds any significance at all, which it probably doesn't), I wrote this for me. Not with the intention of sharing it not with the idea of creating something for others to read, or bothering to care what people thing of it. I think a lot of the time we get so wrapped up in peoples opinions of writing and what others think, that we don't realize it could negatively effect our writing or our creativity. It's a hard realization, especially with imposter syndrome. Taking a break from actively writing for this fandom (and not jazzing up things I never posted) may have been a good decision for my creativity? I was able to focus on my original work, and really decide who I wanted to be as a writer, which is just someone who tells stories regardless of what people think of them. Also, I found you the illness I have could be passed down to any children I have, so maybe me being kind of bummed out about that may have been a little bit of inspiration for this. If you enjoy my work, please feel free to let me know. Also don't @ me, I don't know how horses work. As always, I suck at editing.

Kiran's mind wandered as she brushed her horse, Twister. She couldn't help but wonder how long horses typically lived, and if Twister was considered old for a horse. She hoped that he would outlive her, but she couldn't shake the nagging worry in the back of her mind.

She had asked Cooper about it before, curious if she could still ride him despite his age. How many years did horses usually live for anyway? What was their natural lifestyle like before humans domesticated them? And why was she thinking about this so much lately?

The more she dwelled on these thoughts, the heavier her heart felt. But then she remembered the advice of an old rancher: "You still see me walkin' around don't ya? No matter how ya feel, sometimes you just have to do yer job. Twister understands that. Trust me."

Cooper had been the one to gift her Twister, back when he wasn't as old, and the nickname "old man" came from his temper more so than his age. Cooper had also mentioned that the horse was just as stubborn as she was.

Despite this, she still took the time to talk to him and bring her young daughters to see him whenever they asked. She would lift up Beatrice or Adeline, depending on who needed it at the time; so they could reach out and touch the horse's nose or neck.

Evangeline was different. She didn't need help reaching out to Twister, for he would bow his head down to her. From a young age, the girl had an uncanny affinity for the horse. It was as if they shared an unspoken understanding, an invisible thread of connection that echoed the natural bond between girl and beast. But maybe Kiran had looked too much into it.

Despite his hot temper and stubborn nature, Twister always calmed down when Kiran's children were around. It was a pleasant sight for her, reminiscent of visits to her Uncle in Portia as a child. Her father used to lift her up so she could stand on the edge of the stable where Cloud, a mare, resided. She was tiny back then, but for a long time, all she could think about was how big she was compared to the animals; like her life had meant so little compared to theirs.

"Horses are great at keeping secrets," her father always said. And as a young child, she believed him. She was small and innocent, and no one ever suspected that she could be a reliable confidant. But they underestimated the horses, for they heard everything, even if they couldn't speak. The only secrets she had at five were her own. Even then, she wasn't sure if the horse understood or not when she whispered her hopes for the future: "I wish to be strong, brave, and smart like my Pop!" Of course, Kiran never learned how to keep her voice down back then, so her father heard every word from his spot right beside her. He chuckled at her words, a rich and hearty sound that echoed within the confines of the stable.

"Ah, Kiran," he'd said, placing a hand on her small head, his touch as familiar as the rhythm of a lullaby. "You’ll be stronger, braver, and smarter than your old Pop. You just wait."

Kiran let out a deep breath, placing her hand on the soft material of the saddle horn. As the desert sun slowly dipped below the horizon, its warm orange glow enveloped everything around her. She couldn't help but feel grateful for its beauty. If she could go back in time and tell her childhood self one thing, it would be that this color - this stunning sunset color - would become her favorite.

The passage of time often changed a lot of things, but the true beauty of the desert would never become irrelevant, even as the sandstorms proved to be an occasional annoyance. She urged Twister, who had decided to stop again for seemingly no reason.

Something's not right with this guy, she thought, perhaps a bit uncharitably, but nobody else could hear her inner monologue. And he was just a horse after all.

Maybe he was simply tired of it all. Perhaps he could sense Kiran's mounting frustration with her husband, which drove her to spend all day riding and trying to clear her mind. She knew deep down that Logan's stubbornness was a part of his core identity, and she found some comfort in that. He would never be able to change completely, no matter what they went through. This was his world, and they were just living in it. Just like Twister who, despite the wear and tear of his old bones and the passing seasons, seemed to exist in his own world. A world where he was king, reigning over the vast expanse of dry desert and arid grassland with an iron fist (or rather, hoof). He moved when he wanted to, snacked when he pleased, and didn't give a damn about what anyone else thought. In a way, Kiran found herself envying him.

She missed the simplicity of life that Twister seemed to enjoy. The freedom from family turmoil and husbandly disagreements. The ability to find solace in solitude and strength in stillness.

Andy, now almost a young man, surprised Kiran by expressing his desire to join the Civil Corps. She couldn't help but smile at his words as he explained that watching her work had inspired him to want to be someone people could rely on. Logan, who had been studying a map of the Northern Eufaula range at the table, suddenly looked up with interest.

"What did you say, son?" he asked curiously; even though he had clearly heard what was said. Andy had repeated his plan.

"Well, that's quite an ambitious goal," Logan commented in a calm manner. While Kiran tried to keep her face neutral, she couldn't help but feel proud as the corners of her mouth twitched into a smile.

Logan leaned over his map, deliberately drawing attention to himself. "Who's been filling your head with these ideas, kid?" He looked at her pointedly.

Andy blinked rapidly, trying to make sense of the situation as he glanced back and forth between them. Finally, he slowly inched towards the door. "Er, Pa, it's not what you think. We've just been doing a lot around here lately and I..."

Logan held up a hand to cut him off. "That's enough," he said with a stern expression.

Andy crumpled like a wilted plant without sunlight. "Is something wrong?"

"Nothing at all." Logan rolled up his map, displaying an unreadable look in his eyes. Kiran watched him and couldn't help but be impressed by how easily such a simple gesture could evoke fear in others. From his posture alone, it was clear that he didn't want to admit his own opinions about Andy not following in his footsteps as a monster hunter. "Anything you want to do, Andy, you go ahead and do it. I'll have your back the whole way through, son."

Logan's tone carried an undertone that Kiran couldn't quite decipher. It could have been concern or fear, but she couldn't blame her husband for feeling that way. She knew it wasn't the work itself that was too difficult or hazardous.

As Andy stared at her with a pleading look, Kiran smiled and nodded, giving him a small smile in return. "Me too, kiddo."

Once Andy had left, Kiran let out a sigh loud enough for her husband to hear. She wanted him to know she caught on to the hint of disappointment in his voice. "Do you want to talk about it, hotshot?"

"What are you talkin' about?" He responded nonchalantly.

She dryly remarked, "I can sense that you're slightly unhappy about Andy's decision to join the Civil Corps."

"What gave it away?"

"Oh, just your body language." She pointed out. He snorted and leaned against the chair he was in, crossing his arms defensively.

"Kiran, you're being a little melodramatic," he grumbled.

"Am I?" She didn't miss a beat as she responded. He nodded.

"Fine then." She stood up. "What was I supposed to say? Tell him no? Because if you were serious about what you told him -"

"Kiran, I didn't mean -"

"That he can do whatever he wants and we'll support him." Her eyes narrowed as she noticed his slight shift in emotions, betraying his attempts to hide his true feelings. "Unless you were lying about that."

His face contorted and he shook his head. "I wasn't, alright? I really wasn't."

A small sigh escaped her lips and her body tensed. "But you didn't tell him the truth about what you were thinking. You just told him what he wanted to hear, without even acknowledging your own thoughts. He's probably not even sure if you're being honest with him." Kiran placed her hand on her face, staring at her husband with frustration. "Is it really so bad that he doesn't want to follow in your footsteps? Who are you to make that decision for him?"

He scowled at her, running his hands through his hair and giving her a disapproving look. "Kiran, I didn't say no to him. What are you on about? I'm allowed to have an opinion, you know. But I would never stop the kid from pursuing his dreams - even if it seems crazy to want to join the Civil Corps." He rubbed the back of his neck.

"Hardly," she snapped, pointing at him. "It's hardly an opinion when you make assumptions like that. Did you want to tell him no but then change your mind because you were afraid of hurting him or something?"

"What?"

Kiran knew that was the reason, she knew her husband well enough. "You did! You always do that. You have this complex where you pretend not to care so much, but you do it all the time." She spat out the words angrily. "You always find a way to twist things and try to save face with a stupid 'dad joke' or whatever it is you do."

"And you're doing that thing right now, twisting my words to fit your own narrative of me." He rubbed the back of his neck again, another scowl forming on his face - one that was almost endearing, but not the point.

"I don't care," she had mumbled, shrugging.

Kiran let out another frustrated sigh in the dry desert air as she kicked Twister with her heel. She knew she should head back to the house before it got dark and check on everyone, but right now she couldn't bring herself to worry about anyone else.

It was just her and her horse out here. That is, until a snake slithered into view, startling both Kiran and Twister. The snake lunged at them, causing Twister to rear up in defense. Kiran quickly tried to calm her horse down, but before she could even react, she was thrown off and hit the sand with thud. As she fell, she instinctively tried to protect herself from the impact, but there was no stopping it. It wasn't even Twister's fault.

"Ah, fuck." Her words could barely form, but her exclamation was clear nonetheless.

The snake slithered away, along with Twister.

"You fuckhead!" Kiran shouted at the horse, trying to catch her breath as she struggled to stand up. She brushed sand off her face and attempted to regain her balance on the uneven desert ground, feeling a sharp pain in her ankle. "This is just great!"

The sun disappeared from view, leaving the desert shrouded in almost complete darkness. The faint light barely revealed Twister's light brown fur, making it difficult for her to keep track of him. To make matters worse, he was gradually moving further away from her.

Shit. No no no!

Even if Twister did come back, she had no means of getting back onto the saddle, let alone ride the damn animal back home.

"Just hold on, old man," she whispered, pushing away the overwhelming urge to crawl over to some nearby rocks and give in to her fate. In the distance, the horse simply stared at her before nudging the ground with its hoof and trotting off in no particular direction, but still moving away from her.

"Shiiiiit."

Tears gathered in her eyes, but Kiran scolded herself. If she had been paying attention then maybe she would've caught herself.

Maybe she could make the trip back home on foot?

No, there was no way, especially since it was getting darker.

"Ah fuck!" Kiran cursed under her breath, looking around the vast expanse of desert sand around her. The wind started to pick up as she made a sudden decision, heading off in the direction she'd last seen Twister. "Hey, boy! C'mon!" Nothing. Just a slow gait away from her, always maintaining the same pace and keeping distance.

"Twis-ter." She sung quietly, hoping to catch his attention but also cursing him for still being able to pull away and basically run like that. Some old men could really put on a show.

"Why are you like this?" She hissed, watching as he went further and further away. "Fuck you, then." her voice cracked, tears spilling over now, threatening to blind her in the midst of trying to follow him. "I hate you! Fuuuuuuuuck yoooooou."

As she scanned her surroundings; noticed a cluster of rocks not too far away. If she walked towards them, she could find shelter from any strong winds that may blow in the night. Fire was what she needed now, even though it wouldn't completely protect her from the elements or ease the throbbing pain in her ankle. In her stubbornness, she hadn't thought about the consequences of walking such a distance, but she would just have to bear through it. And so she did, taking a deep breath before lowering herself to the ground and searching for sticks under the faint light of the moon. Building a fire was her only hope, and Kiran couldn't help but feel grateful to her late father for teaching her the basics of survival. It was a skill she rarely had to use, but one that was coming in handy now.

Despite her better judgment, she began to gather whatever scraps of wood she could find. Tossing them onto the pile, she struck them together with increasing force and frustration until they were beyond salvageable. A loud hissing sound filled the air, mirroring the anger building inside of her. Swirling emotions churned in her stomach like a ball of fire, coming in quick bursts before dissipating into a hollow feeling. It was a sensation she couldn't quite explain; almost like being deprived of all sensory input. But then, a single spark caught among the dusty ground and dry twigs, causing the desert to light up in a warm orange glow as the flame spread across the pile beneath her hands.

Kiran gazed into the flickering flames, her hand burning from the heat that radiated off them. She pulled back, but couldn't tear her eyes away from the mesmerizing fire. It was her only source of warmth in this vast desert where she knew no one would come to look for her.

No, she couldn't doubt it. Logan wasn't foolish enough to believe she was simply out for a ride. One of her daughters would stumble in, most likely Adeline, complaining about Evangeline once again stirring up trouble because, at ten years old, Evangeline always had to have the last word. And then Logan would ask "Where's your mother?" and they would all realize, oh, her horse is missing too...

They would surely figure out that she had gone on an angry solo ride. And Logan would definitely know to search for her. He wasn't as skilled at handling their daughters' arguments without Kiran there to mediate. He often chose sides based on what he thought was fair or funny--which the girls weren't interested in hearing; they wanted their mother's comfort. They needed their mother. And their mother was somewhere alone and vulnerable in the darkness. Because she had made a habit of neglecting herself and believing that she didn't matter. Sometimes...

She only hoped there was some type of argument to prompt this search in the first place.

The children were all well-behaved and kind. Occasionally they would bicker and tattle on each other, but at their core, they were good kids. However, when watching Evangeline interact with her younger sisters, one could never have predicted the outcome of their relationship. She was not only intelligent, but she also knew how to manipulate the system. Adeline was known for pestering her father, but he only had himself to blame for being overprotective due to her anemia. Beatrice was still young at five years old, so her personality was still developing. But she enjoyed spending time outside, often wandering off to a nearby tree or playing with the chickens in the backyard. As for Andy, he had a strong sense of family and treated his sisters as if they were his own blood. He taught them valuable skills like bug-catching, reading, and using a slingshot accurately - never once complaining about being the only boy in the household.

"Where are you, Yakboy?" She huffed. She knew she was alone, a good few miles from town. And it was getting pretty fucking cold. Cursing her own forgetfulness, Kiran adjusted the coat tighter around her, staring out to the vast expanse of sands before her.

It wasn't cold enough yet for her to completely freeze. Most would assume it wouldn't ever get to that point in the desert, and honestly she could barely remember if there had been a time, but she knew cold. Her fingers ached, as she rubbed them to keep them warm against the fire.

"I fucked up. As usual." She muttered, though, an almost proud sort of sound danced across her lips in a light-hearted chuckle that erupted in her. She looked out across the desert before her, and for a second the flames almost seemed to change in height, but the rest of the desert was eerily still.

She gazed up at the night sky, filled with twinkling stars and a crescent moon. Perhaps Logan would tell their children a bedtime story tonight, one of his many wild tales from his real-life adventures. The girls adored his stories; they never had to fear monsters under their beds because their father was the bravest man in the world. Always able to vanquish any foe.

"Alright, alright," he would say with a grin, raising his hands in mock surrender before plopping down on the floor and lifting up the comforter to peak underneath for any supposed monsters. "Aha, there he is," he'd declare with a smirk.

"Daddy, did you get him?" Little Beatrice would ask eagerly.

He'd snort and widen his grin, "oh yeah, I got him good. He won't be coming back anytime soon. One look at me and he scurried back through the vents."

With an exaggerated expression of triumph or accomplishment, he would entertain them and make them believe that he could conquer any enemy with just a glance. Maybe they didn't fully understand what an enemy was like their father did, but that was okay. They wouldn't have to.

Sometimes Kiran would look at her children and wonder if they were too young, too pure and kind to understand the darkness her and Logan had faced. They would grow up without truly comprehending the trauma their parents endured and how it shaped their lives. But she never voiced these thoughts to Logan; she had shared her fears of spiders and scorpions with him. But his fears never stopped him. And she knew they never would.

But each of the girls had their own struggles and challenges to face, and Kiran acknowledged that there were ups and downs to being a mother. But ultimately, she believed it was worth it to be able to give her children something Logan never had: a loving mother. A mama who truly cared for them.

She let out a deep sigh, leaning her body against the cold rock. Despite feeling exhausted and freezing, she knew she had to tough it out. If she gave up now, death was a very real possibility. The sound of something skittering by caught her attention, but she didn't bother investigating.

Her mind wandered to her regrets and her own shortcomings. She despised how much of a burden she used to be, and even now still felt like one. Logan had been similar to Twister in some ways - kind yet stubborn as hell. He never let anything get past him.

But she loved him for his kindness and thoughtfulness, always putting others before himself without outwardly showing it. It was almost ironic how different they were as a couple, yet also oddly similar. They both had the hearts of heroes, despite their differences.

She drifted off like that - the fire crackling and glowing slightly, but the noise not disrupting her. If anything, it comforted her, knowing it was slowly heating her skin and warming her bones and body.

She pictured those icy blue eyes. How passionate he was about everything he believed in - that was so admirable.

However, there were moments when he could be an irritating jerk, laughing at something that was actually just immature. But she would have to tolerate it - even though it annoyed her - because deep down, he truly was a caring and loving person. After all, he was her husband, her partner in mischief, and the father of her kids. She couldn't deny how much she loved him, despite his occasional flaws. The carbon copies of him were constantly around as well, the mischievous little fuckers who knew exactly how to push both their buttons. But she would not trade it for the world.

She jolted awake, maybe hours later, to the fire dwindling and a damp sensation on her forehead. Twister sniffed at her and nudged her gently with his nose. Kiran sat up quickly, almost pushing away her horse before realizing who it was.

"Twister!" She exclaimed, tears welling up in her eyes as she leaned against the rock, brushing her blue hair out of her face with a sigh of relief. Then came a soft thud as Logan dismounted from the saddle. Twister seemed unphased, but Logan approached with a look of concern etched into his features.

"What happened here?" He asked gruffly, a hint of seriousness underlying his rough voice.

Kiran pointed to her ankle, which was swelling up slightly, and he noticed her face had traces of tears. He knelt next to her, rolling up her jeans past her knee to survey the damage. "Shit."

He removed his hat and placed it gently beside him. She could see the disapproving look in his eyes, and she hated it. It was the same look he always gave her when she did something reckless or foolish. He reached out to touch her ankle, trying to assess the damage. "You should have known better, Kiran," he said sternly, his eyebrows furrowed in concern. Kiran couldn't help but wince as his hands moved over her injured ankle; it was probably a sprain, or maybe even something worse.

"Twister got spooked. I don't control how snakes work, dumbass."

A small chuckle escaped his throat, but it was clear that he never stopped worrying. That's just who he was. "Horses are instinctively flight animals," he said. "You were lucky the old man had the sense to find his way back home. Otherwise-"

"My family would have shrunk to just five members." Kiran interrupted, sitting up and causing Logan to sigh and adjust his position in the sand. "Sorry."

"I don't know what to say," he said, as usual, struggling for words. Instead of continuing, he simply closed his mouth monetarily. "Do you want some water?" Logan offered, pulling out his canteen.

Kiran made a face but then nodded her head. "I owe that old horse my life. He deserves retirement." She smiled, reaching for the canteen and unscrewing the cap.

"Sounds fair. Is your ankle going to give us any more trouble?" Logan examined her swollen ankle, gently moving it with his fingers. Kiran winced in pain.

"Yeah, it might. I don't think it's broken, but it still hurts." She took a long drink from the canteen.

"You had me really worried."

"Was it before or after you thought about being a single father?" Kiran teased with a smirk, taking another sip from the canteen before offering it to him. "But seriously, I appreciate you coming to get me."

"Couldn't exactly not come out here to get my damn wife," his voice sounded like he was offended but his grin showed a different story. "Got at least three daughters that'll be askin' where ya gone off too. And if anything, you know you're Twister's favorite. Let's get you up, darlin'." He stood, holding a hand out to her to help her up, but as soon as she attempted to put weight on her bad foot, she collapsed into him.

"Ow ow ow-" she clung to him, gripping his shirt tightly with closed fists. "Fuck..."

He exhaled a shaky breath and wrapped his arm around her, helping her to stand. Kiran leaned on a nearby rock for support, trying to relieve some of the weight from her injured ankle, though she still needed assistance. She shot Twister an angry glare, although she couldn't deny her affection for him.

"Stupid piece of horseshit - don't give me that look - ow, yes, it's your fault," she continued her rant, glancing to Logan to see him; a half-assed attempt to hide his amused grin. "Nothing funny about this. Asshole."

Logan tilted his head, his smile finally coming through. "Well, it wouldn't be the first time-"

"We agreed not to talk about the last time."

This caused Logan to laugh softly and shake his head. He came forward, putting his hands on her shoulders. "You're something else, you know that?"

Kiran gave him a look. "Yes, I'm amazing and strong, Logan. You only tell me that every fucking day." She paused, mocking his accent when she continued and quoted him, "You're somethin' else, woman." 

His grin widened even further. "Heh," he let his thumbs roll in gentle circles against her shoulders. "You could kill a man with words if you ever tried." He tilted his head, leaning forward to press a soft kiss to her forehead, thumb brushing through her hair that was swept by the breeze.

She smiled at this, leaning into him, tilting her head up towards him. "Don't underestimate my creativity. I can do great things," she murmured, her words a gentle brush against his collarbone that rose goosebumps on his skin. His blue eyes nearly bored a hole into her from staring, she blushed harder under his gaze, eyes meeting for only a moment.

"Right," he acknowledged her, bringing his lips to graze hers gently. It was only moments. It was barely a connection. A light touch that felt like a spark of electricity hitting a wire.

To say their relationship was an electric storm would have been the most accurate. Their lives had been entangled and turned upside down by storms and violent waves, and their energies collided when they met.

She smiled, breathless, into the kiss. All the feelings of loss and desperation that had drawn her to that fire had seemed to just disappear, leaving them both wrapped up in one another and longing for something. A mutual yearning that ran so deep and true. They had found something beautiful - something perfect - in each other, and to separate from that would have left them empty and starving.

Logan smiled, slipping a finger under her chin and tilting her face up slightly so he could see her clearly. "What can I do to make sure this doesn't happen again?" he rasped gently, running his fingers under the hair and to the nape of her neck.

She loved the feeling of his fingers against her skin, trailing delicately and feather light. The intimacy, the feelings and the emotions that bubbled up when they touched was inexplicable, leaving her to want nothing else.

"You could tie me down," Kiran laughed hoarsely. "Put a leash on my ankle. Chain me. Hell, you could've probably - you know..." She couldn't help it. Even teasing had its merits. And doing anything to get his blood rushing and make him angry (or something else) always had it's perks.

Logan chuckled. "Really? You've been in the desert too long," he smirked, placing a hand on her waist. Kiran's smile nearly matched his. She watched him, enraptured in their dance.

"I hate to make you mad," She poked at his chest. Kiran adjusted herself, pulling her hips closer. "But you get mad too easily."

He was listening, turning his head slightly to show he was focused, as much as his eyes seemed glazed over when he was just watching her. Her words struck him deep, sometimes, or so she supposed. Either it was her words or his own worries that would do it. As much as he ignored her teasing, Logan had proved to have a protective side. Everyday it showed more and more.

"Good point," he relented, but Kiran didn't reply. His lips formed a thin, straight line before continuing, "its just that," his voice deepened, rough and scratchy, a voice she'd hear more than often - a voice she had always heard when they were alone like this - when he was calm, and confident. Like his heart was beating just for her.

"I couldn't stand it if I lost you," the words were smooth, sincere, slow-dripping and raw like an open wound, the color and life dying out; like it had only been a taste of how much he really feared that. The look on her face left no doubt about how hard it was for him to admit that.

"You won't," Kiran took his face in her hands, eyes boring deep into his. She was smiling at him, in a way.

Logan smirked, a calloused hand coming to rest on her upper back. "Can't exactly plan a rescue out here. So I'd like to reduce your chances of becoming snake bait," he pulled her closer.

"Let's get me home," Kiran said with a laugh, their breaths mingling in the air. They both moved closer to each other instinctively. Logan leaned in first, followed by Kiran as their lips met in an urgent and passionate kiss. She melted into him effortlessly, a smile forming on her lips. He chuckled softly, reminding her to be cautious, but it was quickly forgotten as she eagerly sought to taste him again.

Kiran felt his hands on her body, gentle yet powerful, a perfect contrast to the rest of his strong physique. She deepened the kiss, feeling her heart racing with excitement. And she could feel his heart beating just as fast against hers, their frantic rhythms matching perfectly. She let out a soft sigh and pulled at his shirt, craving more contact for her burning core. He complied eagerly, pulling her closer with his arm around her back.

She moaned softly, trying to keep quiet lest anyone hear them in this open desert space. It made her blush to think about it - there they were, pressed together intimately as husband and wife in the middle of nowhere. Her good leg was able to support her weight as their tongues explored each other passionately. It was almost too much to handle.

But Logan maintained some sense of control and took charge of the situation. However, that didn't stop Kiran from rocking her hips against his thigh and sliding her hand under his shirt to feel his muscles flex beneath her touch. She had him right where she wanted him - smitten and helpless against her trembling body as she struggled to contain both her desires and her breathless gasps.

Twister made a noise.

Kiran broke apart, Logan let his forehead fall to her shoulder and her hand had moved to his head, fingers running through his silver hair. Logan moved, his breath hot and heavy on her, a steady drum against her throat. Logan was hot, too, face flushed as he attempted to remember his composure, muttering swears like a mantra as his grip on her loosened, his gaze landing on the horse, who only snorted.

She knew what Twister was telling them. To get a move on.

"Dammit," Logan whispered, clearly frustrated. He leaned into her, his shoulders falling slightly, slowly trying to remove himself from her but Kiran tangled her fingers into his hair and refused to let him go, trying to savor what she could. She let out a quiet, teasing laugh at his own cursing, glancing to her horse in amusement and smiling when her mind wandered. She hoped that maybe, if her eyes screwed shut tight enough, he would give up, tell Twister to go screw himself and he would fuck her mercilessly. Unfortunately, the universe seemed against them. Or fate was cruel. Or perhaps Twister was simply a horse of impeccable timing.

Logan ran his fingers through his hair and placed his hat on his head with a heavy sigh. He glared at the horse. "Don't you have anythin' better to do?"

Twister snorted, almost as if he understood. But it was more likely that he was just tired and wanted to go back home.

"Damn horse," Logan grumbled, causing Kiran to laugh in a hoarse cough. She stumbled away from him, managing to stand for a brief moment before nearly falling again. He caught her quickly, concern etched onto his face.

"Shit," he sprang into action immediately. Twister was quiet, as if sensing something was wrong and moving closer to them.

"We gotta get you home, woman."

"No shit," she managed, her voice slightly hysterical as he hooked an arm under her legs and his other supported her back, lifting her up against his chest. The movement silenced her suddenly, and for a few seconds she listened to the sound of his footprints against the coarse sand. Twister was waiting patiently, bobbing his head lightly, watching them. He kept going until he stopped next to Twister.

"Am I too much for you to handle?" Kiran asked, her voice tinged with uncertainty. "I did have three kids, after all." Her admission caught him off guard, but he didn't let it show as he helped her onto the saddle.

"It's not polite for a man to comment on a woman's weight," Logan replied, trying to lighten the mood as he patted her knee reassuringly. "Just scoot forward a bit more, will ya?"

She followed his instructions, shifting as far forward as possible to give him room to climb onto the saddle behind her. "Okay, okay," she mumbled, gripping the reins tightly. The soft sound of leather rubbing against each other filled their ears as Logan settled into place behind her.

With a smirk, she said, "Just this once, I'll let you be in charge."

He chuckled softly and reached for the horse's reins. "Noted," he muttered before clicking his tongue.

Twister took a step forward, but only one.

Kiran wondered how Logan managed to get him back out here again. Perhaps it was Twister's instinctive knowledge of her whereabouts that saved her. But she didn't mention it - this situation was enough to deal with. It was a miracle that the old man even showed up, and both Kiran and Logan knew it.

She heard Logan huff behind her as he firmly grasped the reins and attempted once more to lead the steed home. Twister made a noise, almost as if he was annoyed.

"Listen to me," Logan's voice had an edge to it that startled Kiran. "You've done a lot for us today; you owe us just a little bit more, don't you, you old bastard?"

Twister seemed hesitant to move, even after Logan nudged him again. Kiran couldn't help but chuckle at the stubbornness of the beast, but she knew it wouldn't do any good.

"Come on, Twister," she urged, patting his neck gently. The old stallion finally obliged and began to move. A wave of relief and gratitude washed over Kiran, causing her body to relax.

Under his breath, Logan grumbled about the horse having an attitude, but Kiran simply smiled - the expression seemed permanently fixed on her face now. And as they continued their journey, that smile only grew wider and more intense.

"He's just mad two people are on him." She commented, looking down and watching the sand hit the horse's legs. "He's getting old, he's too picky with who rides him."

"He's always been picky, you're the only one he listens to anyway."

"I happen to have that effect on people," she heard his laugh and turned her head toward it.

"Sure." His response was cut short by the need to speak to Twister, asking the horse to hurry up just this once, as if the beast could understand them. Of course he did, in a way. But in Twisters world this meant taking his time. Eventually his hooves echoed on the railway bridge just before town.

"How long was I out there?" Kiran mumbled, noting that the lights were all off. The residents must have been in bed, or about to be, anyway. How long had she been gone? "What time is it?"

"Few hours," Logan muttered, exhaustion in his voice. Twister was obviously tired, his steps heavier, pausing every few feet to be sure where he was walking, his head bobbing. He must have been exhausted after carrying them. But soon they were at the gate, a familiar sight. This was where Twister could finally rest - so he halted and refused to take another step forward.

Logan looked over to their house, sighing and muttering about the horse. "At least we're not waitin' for him anymore. My ass hurts."

He reached out to pat Kiran and then dismounted from his horse, beckoning for her to come down as well. She appeared a bit bashful but still managed to smile, lowering herself into his waiting arms. He made sure to hold her securely as she alighted from the horse. She winced slightly, clearly in pain.

"Thank you both," she said, placing her hand on Logan's chest and staying close to him for support. She found her footing and pulled on Twister's reins with determination.

The horse shook his head, his ears pinned back in a sign of frustration. She affectionately ruffled his white forelock, noticing that he needed some grooming. His tail was tangled and his hooves were caked with dirt, but he seemed more interested in taking a rest at the moment.

Logan returned his attention to the horse, expressing his gratitude through gentle pets and pats on the neck. He then carefully picked up the woman, much to her disappointment as it meant no more freedom to move around. However, she was relieved to not have to hobble anymore. Once inside, Logan released a sigh of relief as he shut the front door behind them and gently placed her on the couch. Despite feeling uncomfortably warm, she smiled at him. He set his hat down on the nearby table and took a seat in the chair next to her. It looked like he collapsed into it more than anything else.

"My ankle," she reminded him.

"Right," he replied absentmindedly, looking exhausted and drained. But he had always been handsome to her. He tilted his head towards the stairs and called out for Andy. "Andy! Get down here!"

There was a mumble and shuffle from above before the silhouette of the young man appeared, rubbing his eyes sleepily in the dim light. "What is it, Pa?" The boy's voice was heavy with sleep, his hair tousled in a way that reminded Kiran of Twister's forelock.

"Ma hurt her ankle," Logan explained. His tone held an unquestionable authority yet a softness that only revealed itself when he spoke to family. Andy's gaze turned to her and widened slightly at the sight of her sitting there, obviously in pain but still managing to hold onto that ever-present smile.

"Oh fu - shoot, you okay Ma?" Kiran nodded, her smile calming Andy’s worry slightly. "Just twisted it a bit." she conceded. She glanced towards Logan, who was eyeing the stairs, no doubt thinking about finding their stash of bandages and painkillers hidden away upstairs. Andy, followed his gaze, nodded once before disappearing up the staircase.

"I talked to him, ya know." Logan admitted this like he was admitting to doing something he wasn't supposed to - something wrong. She looked at him, curious, and watched him try to hide his embarrassment in his hand when he rubbed his chin, clearly enjoying the reprieve for his poor knees that was being offered in his seat. "He made me talk it out," the slightest smile tugged at his mouth.

"You boys have been bonding?" She played it dumb, of course, knowing full well that the young man upstairs wanted, no, needed a father figure and a brother who didn't hide behind some film of not projecting emotions clearly.

"Naw, I mean, he just sat there. Told him I felt some way about him not taking after me." As he spoke, he got out of the chair, moving to where Kiran was on the couch and flopping down again. "Boots, woman. Take those damn things off." He pointed, but patted his thigh regardless. There was no question, he wanted her leg on him so he could check on her ankle.

She shook her head, mumbling that he was impatient as she shuffled her body on the old sofa until she got comfortable again. "And what did he say?" Kiran's ankle pulsed with an ache.

He grasped her boot gently, pulling at the laces and beginning to ease the article off of her leg. "He said he respects me, a lot. But," he laughed, "he's nothing like me. That if he has to be anyone he wants to be like you. I can't even be mad. He's a great kid, stubborn as hell, but-"

The sound of the boy's footsteps caught the attention of the two adults, who turned to see him returning downstairs. Andy carried an old, worn medical kit, with Evangeline and Adeline following closely behind him. The youngest child, Beatrice, remained upstairs as she was the deepest sleeper among them. With his brows furrowed in concern, Andy walked briskly towards them. His sisters trailed behind him, with Adeline appearing to be the most tired as she let out a big yawn and rubbed her eyes while leaning on Evangeline's shoulder for support.

As Logan continued to work on the boot, easing it past Kiran's swollen ankle, he shot a glance towards the gathering crowd of youngsters. The soft lamplight illuminated their concerned faces.

Andy took a seat on the armrest of the couch, opening up the worn kit with practiced ease.

Adeline rushed to her mother's side with concern, wrapping her in a tight embrace. "Mama, did you hurt your ankle? I was so worried!"

"I'm home now, Addie," Kiran replied, hugging her daughter back just as tightly. She found comfort in her child's presence, not wanting to let go even when Evangeline joined them in the hug.

"We're so glad you're safe, Mama," Evangeline chimed in, kissing her mother's cheek. Kiran couldn't help but smile at her daughters' affection.

"Yes, I'm okay. Even though I took a little tumble."

Evangeline's surprise was evident in her tone. "You fell?" she asked Kiran, who looked up at her husband's cracked grin.

"Yeah," Kiran admitted sheepishly. "Right off the saddle."

Adeline, always curious, had her mouth slightly open, ready to bombard Kiran with questions. Logan quickly intervened.

"It was quite a fall," he explained. He delicately held Kiran's injured ankle as if it were about to explode. Adeline leaned forward eagerly, wanting to hear all about her mother's accident. But Kiran was not amused; she knew her injury was not life-threatening.

"Thankfully, I survived thanks to my hero over here," Kiran said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. Logan couldn't resist exaggerating his role in saving her.

"I had to carry her... on the back of Old Twister!" he exclaimed, emphasizing each word for effect. Kiran couldn't help but scoff and pout like an offended five-year-old - except hers was asleep upstairs.

"Well, thank you very much," she said dryly, knowing that even if Logan hadn't been there, she would have found a way back home - maybe?

Logan's smile transformed into a cocky smirk as he refocused on the injured ankle. His thumb assumed a gentle, circular motion, massaging the exact spot where the worst pain was located. "Ice, anybody?" he asked nonchalantly, his voice oozing with confidence.

She would have kicked him if she could, but her injured ankle prevented any sort of retaliation, and she fought the urge to curse from the pain.

Evangeline spoke up eagerly. "I'll go get it!" she declared, causing Adeline to gasp quietly as she watched her sprint out of the room.

"What's my job?" Adeline asked, rubbing her tired eyes. "I want to help."

Kiran lovingly ran her hand through her daughter's beautiful white hair, gazing at her admiringly. "Go get Daddy some water, I think he's pretty thirsty," she instructed. As Adeline obediently jumped off the couch and scurried to the kitchen, Kiran turned her attention back to Logan. She couldn't help but smirk at his cocky attitude.

"How do you manage them?" He asked, his brow furrowing in confusion.

"What do you mean?" Kiran countered, trying to stifle a laugh by biting her lip.

"Just-" He gestured with his hands, struggling to find the right words. "Handle them."

She couldn't contain her laughter any longer. He watched her with a slight chuckle, as if he had given up trying to understand.

"What's so difficult? They're just girls, not wild animals."

"Sometimes they don't seem all that different," he muttered, his brow furrowing again. "But then again, what if-"

"Comparing them to wild animals doesn't make me like you any more," her statement cut off his train of thought, which probably wasn't going anywhere useful.

Logan huffed and glanced towards the other room, where Evangeline now emerged.

"Here, Daddy," She handed him a bag of ice wrapped in cloth. "Be careful, it's melting," she warned.

"Thanks kiddo," Logan said, taking it carefully with one hand while keeping Kiran's ankle elevated and steadied with the other. His touch was gentle and comforting as he pressed the ice against her swollen ankle, causing her to let out a soft grunt.

"Thank you," she added sweetly, smiling gratefully at her daughter.

"I got the water!" Adeline chirped as she returned to the room. Kiran almost gasped at the sight of the tall glass filled nearly to the brim, with only a few drops spilling over the sides. The little girl her father without spilling a drop.

He played along and took it from her. "Trying to drown me?" He joked, but seeing Adeline's joyful expression and Kiran's disapproving frown, he didn't dare set the full glass down. Instead, he took a long drink from it, emptying some of the liquid. "There, now there's enough for me." He handed the water back to Adeline, who grinned and placed it on the table within his reach.

"Here Ma, take these." Andy handed her a pair of white pills from a small brown bottle, the light from the hanging lamp casting dancing shadows upon his face. The quietness of the room was shattered by the rattling sound when he put the cap back on the bottle.

"Light," Kiran said with a chuckle, "it's like a hospital ward in here."

"What?" Andy feigned innocence with an innocent shrug.

"I mean, what's next? You going to take my blood pressure?" she asked, taking the pills from his hand and washing them down with a sip of water Adeline offered her.

"Andy, see to Twister. Brush him off, he deserves it." Logan instructed.

Andy didn't care to object and nodded. The floorboards creaked under his weight as he walked towards the door, pulling on his boots. "Sure thing," he said, his voice filled with the carefree confidence of youth.

Logan looked up at Evangeline and spoke again, "I think it's time to call it a night, ladies. We've had enough accidents for one evening. I can't imagine sleepin' on the couch after all this excitement."

Evangeline's brow furrowed in confusion as she asked, "Are you going to move her?" Her face brightened with the thought of executing a daring rescue.

"Yeah, I'll take her to bed. She'll have a tough time tomorrow with that sprained ankle. We don't want her waking up in pain, do we?"

Adeline bounced on the sofa, watching her father closely. He met her gaze but held back from saying anything entertaining for her sake. However, before Logan could even consider playing along, Evangeline chimed in again.

"No, we definitely don't want that to happen, Daddy."

"Alright then," he rubbed his chin as he thought. He took a moment to stare at the floor, or maybe longer - too long for simply looking at an object without any significance. Kiran knew what he was doing; he was pretending to include their opinions so he wouldn't have to stand up right away.

She waited a moment before speaking up. "So, what's going through your minds?"

"Someone needs to help you move," Adeline chimed in, following her father's lead. She was just like him. Logan nodded, deep in thought as he rubbed his chin and tapped his finger against his lips in consideration.

"You are absolutely right," he looked up, his expression beaming. "Thank you, Addie, you think for the rest of us."

She giggled, bowing her head, rubbing her eyes and playing a proper little girl.

"Oh hush," Kiran muttered, offering him a hand. He smiled as he took it, pulling up on it gently - careful not to drag her with him as he stood.

"What're you on about?"

"She knows you're faking." Kiran claimed.

Adeline shook her head. "He only looks at the floor like that when he's thinking!"

Logan scoffed, as if this was a ridiculous notion, and shook his head. "Am I really that obvious?"

"No way," Adeline shook her head, looking to her sister for confirmation, who nodded and hummed quietly in agreement. It was their solidarity against him, and to his credit, he didn't seem all that offended. He wouldn't have had it any other way, really, even if the youngsters weren't aware of it.

He didn't continue the argument. Mostly because it was already losing his attention, and partly because his goal was to get Kiran to the bedroom - for the time being that was much more pressing than joking with the girls.

"I got you." He warned, though he wasn't cruel enough to do anything without her permission. Just having the option made her mouth twitch, annoyed, but she nodded and let him swoop in for the pick up. "No use fightin' it, honey, you're hurt."

She grumbled, frustrated with the current situation. She knew it was necessary, but still couldn't accept the fact that she had to endure it. Her husband's embrace did little to ease her discomfort from her injured leg and achy ankle. She concentrated on ignoring her children who were humming and giggling behind her, commenting on how ridiculous it all seemed. If she could block them out completely, maybe she could forget about the incident and enjoy the moment.

The journey up the stairs was quick. He gently placed her feet on the smooth hardwood floor and led her, one cautious step at a time, to the bed. She winced, wondering how she managed to get hurt again. As if she could ever forget the memory of falling from old Twister long enough to relax. She sat down slowly, his hands supporting her as she lowered herself onto the soft mattress.

"Careful, hun," Logan advised, just as he grabbed an extra pillow from the other side of the bed, fluffing it up briefly. "Think you can get your foot up here?" She obliged, placing her foot on the pillow. "Perfect."

"Glad it pleases you." She grumbled.

"How's it feel?" He asked, avoiding her ire, and took a seat at the end of the bed.

"It hurts, but I'll live." She gave the response as if nothing had happened. That was the intent, anyway.

"Had a feeling you'd say that." His hands moved to the sock she wore, which he began to roll off as gently as possible.

"No, it's okay. Leave it." She sighed.

Logan laughed and shook his head. "It's fine, Kiran." But he tried not to be rough about it as he tugged the material down the length of her foot. She bit her lip and sucked in a quiet breath through her teeth when he had it off.

"See, that wasn't so bad," he said, a note of triumph in his voice. Kiran simply rolled her eyes in response.

He examined her foot, studying the raised blue-purple bruise forming on her ankle. She watched as his face creased with worry. It was a look she knew all too well; Logan wore it often when he thought no one was looking, but she always noticed.

"Stop fretting," she murmured.

"It could have been worse," he mumbled, though she thought his words were a bit insensitive. She didn't often get hurt this badly. His hands gently traced over her swollen skin, his mouth twisting in sympathy. He reached up to hold her shoulders carefully. "Lie down. Let me know if you need to move, okay?"

She nodded obediently.

"Good girl." He couldn't resist the chance to tease her, his wink and faint laughter giving him away.

She rolled her eyes again. "Why don't you go check on the kids? You'll be back soon enough."

"Won't miss me while I'm gone?" he asked with a sly grin. She shook her head and turned over.

"Not a chance."

He snorted and gave her back a brief pat before leaving her alone in the room, lit only by the lamp on her bedside table.

The sound of shuffling footsteps echoed down the hallway, accompanied by occasional giggles. Logan was likely moments away from stepping in to settle things. Not that he minded the disturbance; some days, chaos was a welcome change. Other days, not so much. She could hear their incessant questions from the next room over as Logan expertly fielded them for the time being. She was so used to his voice that she could almost hear every word he said, even when he spoke softly.

"Well, Addie, that's a great question. Yeah, I think we should get him a carrot tomorrow." As Logan agreed with Adeline's request, Evangeline started to speak up, suggesting that Twister deserved two carrots instead. His response was hardly a disagreement with her opinion. "Alright, alright. He definitely deserves it after saving Mama. We'll get em for him bright and early tomorrow morning. Got it?"

Evangeline must have been satisfied with his answer because they didn't vocalize any further. A moment later, Logan entered the bedroom and closed the door quietly behind him. "Well, it's one o'clock in the morning."

"Well," Kiran smiled coyly, "That means it's technically not tomorrow yet. They could get him three carrots."

He chuckled and rubbed his eyes before speaking. "You'd think they would want to sleep in a little longer. Maybe they just enjoy being around you as much as I do."

Kiran returned his smile, tilting her head slightly. He perched on the edge of the bed. He didn't look as tired as she had expected. Most likely he was trying to appear strong for her sake, even now.

"Do you need help changing?" he asked, although his tone suggested that he knew she could handle it on her own. He was willing to risk her anger in order to take care of her.

She grunted in response and shifted, attempting to sit up. Logan leaned forward and caught her shoulder, stopping her movement. "What did I tell you?"

"You asked a question, I think I can handle a few seconds without you monitoring me," she retorted, pulling off her shirt - too exhausted to stand and not wanting him to see her from behind anyway.

"Yes, ma'am." Logan huffed, waiting until she removed the bra; tossing it aside while the loose gray sleeping tee replaced it. He glanced at her for permission before slowly helping her to the edge of the bed so he could pull down her jeans. His grin when she did was less than comforting.

"So this is how it ends, huh? With me stripping you?" He paused, pursing his lips in deep thought. "There is no right way to put this, is there?"

She pulled back and dropped the jeans into a heap. "I'd like to think that if this is the last time you take my clothes off, there'd be something more special in the air." She raised her eyebrow when she stared at him, waiting for his reply. It only got worse when she saw the color fill his cheeks.

"Oh yeah? You could have fooled me."

"Shut it." She warned, "What are you doing, trying to fight me?"

"Always," he teased, flashing another easy grin. She watched him close, trying to break down this look, searching for something from him. When he bent closer, trying for a kiss, she shoved him in the middle of his chest. She laughed heartily, using him for balance as she pushed. He grunted, eyes wide.

"Oh, you're just full of jokes tonight, ain't ya?" He gasped, touching his chest. "I should be offended, ya know," he crossed his arms, pouting. "My wife, shoving me away."

"You started it. If you want my kindness, you've gotta earn it." She replied quickly. "Can we go to bed, please?"

"Suppose we have no choice." He let the mock defeat slide through his voice, and even so she smiled.

"Careful," she mused. "You know. 'We.' Like we're old or something."

"Is there something wrong with 'we', Kiran?"

"Just calling it like I see it."

"Remind me to kick myself in the mornin', if that's what you'd like," he snickered. He didn't even wait to get permission to stretch out his aching body. Kiran was all the more amused, watching him move his weary limbs. She doubted he really could have denied her any request, even with as much work as he did - there was no way he would have turned her down.

"I hope it's better by the morning." She frowned at her ankle. The thought of bed-rest over several days was more daunting than she expected. Though, the more she turned it over in her mind, the more the feeling was giving way to guilt. Here she was complaining about something that wasn't as bad as it could be, which was her right, wasn't it?

He slid the window ajar - a cool evening breeze to help them sleep soundly. She leaned forward, fiddling with the light as he let the curtains flutter, though they soon settled back against the worn panes. Her eyes darted around the room as she tried to focus and turned the light off, plunging the room into a dull glow of the small night light near the door. He came back to her, a hand moving to brush through her hair.

"Get comfy," he instructed. "That way the swelling will go down some, and you'll have an easier time in the morning."

His words couldn't have meant more, all that he was not telling her was clear to him. He smiled, tender, for once not forcing his charm. She snuggled down into the sheets. When she was sufficiently distracted with getting comfortable, she shut her eyes; feeling the mattress dip beneath his weight. His warmth was a comfort to her. In a whisper, she muttered quietly, "thank you."

The response was an arm wrapping loosely around her waist, a gentle pull towards him. Their heads brushed against each other, and his grip tightened. It was a silent cry, she felt, for her to stay with him and him with her. No matter what he had been through in these strange lands, and no matter what he thought about it, she was proud of him.

She knew who the real heroes were. He was all hers. And she knew he thought the same about her.

"You're welcome."

Nothing needed to be discussed, nothing else mattered. When the time came to wake, that would be an entirely different matter.

[hypherr]

Hi, I am contacting you because I saw you mentioned somewhere that you have adhd, and I was wondering how did you still reached such incredible level. I have adhd too, and drawing has always been my passion also. But despite a whole life of practice, and doodling almost all the time, I always had a very hard time to understand anatomy and other technics, and because of adhd, I can’t focus neither motivate myself consistently to learn technics. I am also very inconsistent to draw proper illustrations, and also struggle to get things finished. Because of this, I have the feeling that I will never improve, and I gave up my life dream to become an illustrator. So, I was wondering how did you reached such incredible level despite of adhd difficulties, and if you had some helpful tips. Best regards.

Hey dude! Yeah, I can totally give you some tips that worked for me up until I got medicated :D I know a LOT of folks have to deal with ADHD, so I’m more than happy to try and give you some advice. 

I will preface that I tend to hyperfixate on things like drawing, so I put 200% effort into learning about it and I enjoy trying new methods of painting/drawing/whatever else. It’s still moreso reliant on the individual artist, but the below list is what I do and have done that kept me going:

Make studying into something that is interesting. By that I mean you don’t have to simply draw/study a pose for life drawing, you can make it interesting by drawing a character in that pose/doing that action so that it becomes something you’re more invested in instead of something you’re doing to just get better. I usually draw my OCs in the poses that I’m studying from pinterest or whatever, and it makes the process a lot more fun -

Do what YOU want, not what others say you should do. Not every style or process is for everyone. Stick with what interests you and it’ll make your ADHD brain happier. Getting trapped into the idea of “Oh, I should be good at line art” or “Oh, I should be really good at drawing in X style” when you’re not really interested in either of those things will bore you to no end. Personally, I settled with the fact that I don’t have patience for line art, I loathe using opaque brushes, and I despise having a million layers on my paintings. SO, I don’t do a line art pass; I just clean up my sketch layer which becomes my line art, I don’t use opaque brushes, and I keep my layers really limited. My way of drawing and painting is kinda unorthodox and I always have to explain it to clients when I send WIPs (I’m srs the way I work confuses ppl, especially non-artists lol), but the end result is always what they hired me for, so there are no complaints. Plus, I am MUCH comfier drawing and painting in my own “unique” way, and they’re cool with that. **NOTE: I still recommend checking out tutorials and such, but don’t feel like the artist who created the tutorial is god and that you must follow their teachings to a T. Ex. I love the artist kawanocy, and I have some Patreon stuff from him. His art process is too slow and clinical for me personally, but I still take bits and pieces from his teachings to incorporate them into my own workflow/my own art hacks. -

Only study when you want to. Naturally this doesn’t apply to you being in school for art (sometimes u gotta cry and just study away for an assignment), but if you’re not in the mood for drawing/studying, just don’t do it. It’s fine to take some time off!! I’ve had periods of months w/o drawing, especially during summer when I was in Uni. Sometimes you need to wait for inspiration to find u again -

Study from artists you admire and it won’t feel like studying.  FIRSTLY do not steal from artists you admire, just study their work. It is fine to trace AS LONG AS YOU DO NOT POST IT AND/OR CLAIM IT AS YOUR OWN WORK. DO NOT DO THAT. I REPEAT, DO NOT CLAIM TRACED WORK AS YOUR OWN WORK. IT IS NOT YOUR OWN WORK. IF YOU POST TRACED WORK, YOU ARE STEALING ARTWORK AND BEING DISGRACEFUL AND DISRESPECTFUL TO THE ARTIST. Tracing is fine for STUDYING ONLY because your hand follows the path of the original artist’s hand and you get a literal feel for how they work and where their pen goes. I don’t rlly do this anymore, but I used to, esp when I wanted to do some low-brainpower studying.  The main point of #4 tho is to not be shy abt taking bits of ppl’s style and using it for yourself. Ex: I really really REALLY admire the art of  @/xafeelgood on instagram. I am particularly in love with the way they draw bodies and faces. @/chenbearpig on insta has an amazing style too, and I love love LOVE the way he paints. @/kawanocy has a very beautiful rendering style, and his lighting is v dramatic and impactful.  Obvi there are more ppl I admire than just those 3, but those were a lot of my inspirations with art when I was in uni, and they helped shape my style and made me excited to keep pursuing art and trying their styles/painting methods. You have to find artists who make you excited to keep going, and just study their art a bit, or watch a speedpaint to see how they make such glorious art. It is really fun and I always enjoy trying to breakdown how they do their art stuffs so that I can try and do smth similar!! -

Don’t give a fuck about how fast other people draw, how good other people are compared to you, or your follower count. The most helpful thing I told myself this year that has sent my career and drawing/painting ability into the next level is, “I don’t care.” So what if other people are better than me? So what if I’m not the greatest artist ever? I’m still good. I’m still getting paid. I’m loving art again. I’m still trying hard. I’m just not getting that worked up abt art anymore. It’s HARD to not give a fuck, I know that, but it’s only art. It’s really not that serious. It’s not life or death. You’re just here to have a good time and work towards getting better at illustration/drawing/whatever, yeah? It’s so cheesy, but we all have our own paths to take to get to where we want to go. I have died inside realizing that people who are like 16 are 100x better than me already. I used to feel like shit and like my progress didn’t mean anything compared to how amazing other people are, but now? I just don’t care. I’m doing my own thing and I’m vibing and enjoying my drawing time, and that is all I can hope for!!

That is all I can think of right now u3u I guess a final note to leave off on is that all of these tips probably won’t 100% work for you, and that’s totally cool. Again, it’s highly dependent on the individual, but I still hope some of these thoughts and suggestions can help you find ways to make drawing fun and interesting for you. 

I hope you keep drawing and illustrating, my dude u7u that is the best way to keep getting better

[this-is-not-a-slow-burn]

"I neeed to creaaaate". But first I must gather.

One of the biggest hurdles to creating things with my hands is the process of gathering supplies. It saps me of the motivation to actually do the thing the supplies are for.

The reasons behind this are probably ADHD and dopamine related, but that's for another post.

But yesterday I had a revelation.

looong post with images under the cut!

TL;DR Make baskets or boxes that have all the supplies you will need for a single type of project, so they can just be picked up and used.

So we all know that being organized can make things easier. But when the ADHD strikes, no amount of organizing can solve the issue completely.

Case in point. All of my art supplies are organized by type. All of the alcohol markers, felt tip markers, fine liners, colored pencils, regular pencils, brush tip pens, pastels, etc are mostly on one shelf (frequently used are in a desktop carousel), all of the paper is organized by type: card stock, (further organized by plain, textured, or patterned, and all are color sorted, etc) blank printer paper, origami paper, velum. Below that are the notebook/pad style art papers, watercolor, sketch, bristol, plus canvases, and sheets of watercolor paper. All adhesives are in one drawer. There is a "idk where the fuck this belongs" drawer with those odds and ends that are important but solo in their class. There are magzine holders full of journals and sketchbooks, reference books

blahblahblah

(those totes in the left cube are not transparent. the table reflection makes them look that way though)

Great! Yay! Hooray! You can find what you need pretty quickly!

:|

Yes. But.

Art making and crafting isn't a mono medium. You see posts that say things like "all you need is a pencil and paper!" and sure yes, that's technically true. However my brain fills in with ....and an eraser, and you need a flat surface, and the paper has to be the right kind, the right size, what kind of sketch is this? what hardness of pencil do you need? Is there enough light in the room? Do you need references?

(yes I even torment myself with the "well akshully" stuff)

The art I make is rife with "parts", like painting (paints, palette, water, brushes, paper towels, surface to be painted on, apron) collage (base medium/substrate, image sources, adhesives for different types of paper, scissors, craft blade) sewing (fabric, shears, needles, thread, buttons, elastic, zippers, velcro, hook and eyes, snaps, ribbon, lace...) , etc.

(I do have most of the printmaking stuff in one container so that's a start...)

what's that saying about how a messy desk is the sign of a creative person?

The process of "shopping" my shelves for what is needed seems to derail any motivation. It feels like maybe my brain is happy with the idea of creating, and that's good enough. Like gathering the stuff is the goal, and having satisfied that, my brain dumps dopamine all over. Which is way less than ideal. (I am very guilty of the "I thought about doing it and am just as satisfied as if I had done it." thing. It's awful.)

SO. Then yesterday, while looking for something else, I came across a wire basket full of the supplies I had gathered to do a sewing project in bed, and I thought, that was so smart. how handy.

And I realized that I could do that with ALL of my supplies! Or at least, make up some project baskets with everything one would need to do that thing, all ready to go. So when an idea comes to mind I can just grab the basket and sit down for some art time, instead of chipping away at the urge one shelf at a time.

I sort of did this with a tackle box style of art tote, and a bunch of collage images, pens, and stickers, but it's not quite there.

(pictured: a halfassed unintentional attempt at this idea. plus a bunch of scraps that were pissing me off and got tossed in "rage")

It will be great for those times when the urge to make something comes up, but not a specific thing, just that "I neeed to creaaaate" blinking neon sign that can be so fleeting. Grab a basket and satisfy the need without distracting faffing about.

Obviously I'm not the first one to ever do this, and pre-school teachers are probably giggling at me for only just now thinking of this, but hey. We all learn at different speeds :p

(Oh, and I promise the fabric and desk will be at least a little bit less messy this weekend :3 )

[another-heroine]

OC TAG GAME ｡*･♡;

I saw some mooties doing it, so I decided to do mine as well!

Favorite OC: Andrine Vanfell (Pathfinder: Kingmaker)

What can I say?

Don't matter how much time passes, she is my baby, my cinnamon roll, my fav bimbo.

I have had funny moments playing her, and when I'm feeling down, I like to imagine what she would do in my place (answer: dancing and shaking the shit off)

Newest OC: Laura de Loiola (Resident Evil 4 Remake)

Since I'm hyperfixated in RE4 Remake, I was driven to create an OC to bang Luis' brains out to interact with the game's blorbos. Laura was inspired in another OC who didn't see the daylight unfortunately (she would be a WtA TTRPG character).

I'm still sharping her background and personality while writing The Windmill, but overall I noticed that she and Luis shares the same brain cell, and that's beautiful (although she has social anxiety, but they are a pair of weirdos).

Oldest OC: Renée Lunenoire (Original Series)

My best girl, I would never imagine that a character from my first sapphic oneshot would become one of my comfort characters ever.

Renée is a werewolf, and also (not less important) a tailor. She is short (162cm), and at first sight people could think 'oh what a cutie', but when she changes her shape to a fuckin 3-meters-height black wolf, everybody passes out /jk

She is a blorbo, a bisexual mess. Thinking about if I gave ADHD to her or not.

Meanest OC: Olívia Garmendia (Original Series)

Another woman that God forbids to do anything.

From the same universe of Renée, Olívia is a blood sorceress, and became a noble after an unfortunated 'accident' with her former sire. She has no patient with the court men, mainly because she knows everybody's sins there (while the Queen looks at the other side).

She doesn't measure her actions to keep children and young women safe. The Marquise of Iparredia isn't there to make friends. Few people know her gentleness and vulnerability (Hugo is one of them).

Softest OC: Ekaterina Grushankaya (Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous)

Oh yes, her.

Katya is one of my tallest babies, and I guess it's the one with the softest demeanor of all.

A druid from Irrisen, she has seen up close how a kingdom works under Baba Yaga's chicken legs. Firsthand ruthless, baby. And we are not counting her tribe's distrustful arround her origins; after all, why would someone leave a baby aasimar with them?

Her voice is soothing and she avoids violence, but when she really got angry or is conviced that peace is not an option, pick a god and start praying. Her animal totem isn't a boar for nothing.

Most Aloof/Standoffish OC: Cassandra Constantinescu (Vampire Hunter D)

Like we use to say in Brazil, I must confess that she is my 'left behind at the barbacue' character, but I enjoyed so much to write her background. Cassandra has PTSD since the day her former home was invaded by vampires and their thralls. Hence, she carries dark emotions, and most of the time she feels like she doesn't belong anywhere. It's hard for her to trust in strangers, and even her few close friends almost have no clues about what's going on her head.

Dumbest (Affectionate) OC: Damian Vieri (Original Series)

Oh, my boy, my pal, my little soldier.

He changed SO MUCH.

He is from the same universe of Renée and Olívia, and is an anarchist Hunter of Myths (a kind of monster hunter). He left his home after aa fight with his father, because the old man didn't accept he has a son, not a daughter. Then my short king started a new life, and for some reasons he will meet Renée and they will adopted dozens of cats.

Smartest OC: Melina Trevelyan (Dragon Age Universe)

Do you know when you create a character whose intelligence is over yours but you can't stand in their mind enough because you are a dork? Yes, that's my relationship with Melina lol

I must confess that it's still a bit bitter talking about her after all the shit that happened at the TTRPG where she was one of the characters, but anyway. I can't forsake her, maybe one day I could reboot her story (and keep Lucius on her life, because he is her silver lining)

OC you'd be best friends irl: Hugo Otobeltza (Original Series)

My goodest boy. Don't matter if he killed someone and/or broke somebody's bones, he did what he could to survive! Hugo always has a daddy joke on his sleeve, and is always ready to help his beloved ones. If he existed in real life, probably he would be an Uber driver lol

Tagging: @nemo-of-house-hamartia @navstuffs @aelyosos @dmagedgoods @dujour13 @angrygoatwoman, and you!

[the-final-sif]

FAQ

“Who are you?”

I’m Sif (she/her/they/them)! I’m a writer, an artist, and I will literally never stop talking. I have an African gray named Cecil, and I love him very much.

“Where can I find you?”

Here on Tumblr, On A03 as Rosae or Sif  - Or on the dreblr discord server

Discord is the fastest way to get in contact with me, asks on tumblr can get eaten and DMs on tumblr are weird for me. I'm not active on any other platforms

“When will x/y/z update?”

I don’t know. Don’t ask me or leave comments pestering me about updating things. I have adhd, and fanfiction is a hobby that I do for myself, so I work on things as I’m able to. My focus is fickle and I tend to jump from project to project, because that’s how I have fun. When it comes to my hobbies, me having fun is the whole reason I do them. Pestering me just makes me want to do it even less. Seriously.

“Can I send you asks about x/y/z? Do you mind talking about x/y/z?”

I'm not going to be upset about any ask sent in as long as it's in good faith, but that doesn't mean I'll answer every ask I get. If I don't answer an ask, it means that I wasn't sure on an answer, I'd answered the question before, or I just didn't feel like it. Odds are it's nothing personal, if I have an issue with someone or something, then I block.

That all being said, I don't answer questions asking for personal information of any kind unless it's something I've publicly discussed. I also prefer that people do not use tone indicators in asks, or if you must, please use full words and not acronyms. I'm pretty good at reading tone in text to begin with, and I run under the assumption most asks are in good faith.

“Can I use your idea/headcanon/etc in my fic/art/etc?”

Yes! People are always welcome to use my ideas/headcanons/etc with credit. You can create stuff set in my AU/make your own takes on them. All I ask is that you don’t copy my stuff word for word (ie reposting), and give credit if heavily referencing my works. You do not need to ask my permission to use my stuff as inspiration, but if you do create something 100% feel free to tag me/send it to me! I love seeing this stuff!

“Can I repost your fic/artwork/headcanon/etc?”

Probably not. I’m okay with my chat posts and non-fictional PSAs/advice posts being reposted to other platforms (with credit). For anything else, I do not allow reposting unless you ask me first (that being said, I do sometimes give permission when asked, it just depends on the post and platform you want to repost on). Translations and Podfics are absolutely fine though!

“Will you tag (specific trigger) or (spoilers)”

Probably not, sorry! I’d like to say that I could, and I try to tag major triggers & spoilers when I remember to, but again, ADHD means I tend to be pretty scattered brained and my tagging is pretty inconsistent as a result. I don’t want to promise to tag stuff when I know I’ll probably forget at some point.

“Do you take requests/commissions/art trades/do collabs/have a ko-fi?”

I do not take formal requests or requests for unrelated fandoms/characters/etc. I love talking with people and discussing ideas, but that’s entirely on my own terms. You can still always ask me about my AUs or offer specific ideas, but if I decide to write anything for it is all up to me.

I am not currently taking commissions, but I do take them every so often when the mood strikes. I already work to support myself, and as I’ve said before, fandom is a hobby for me, so I prefer to spend that time creating things at my own pace. Since I get people asking about it, I do have a ko-fi but please don’t feel obligated to send me anything.

Art/fic trades and/or collabs are a solid maybe at any given time, depending on what I have on my plate. Hit me up on discord if you want to talk about it.

[exghul]

HEADCANON 013. DAMIAN & ASPD.

OG POST. most damian writers will diagnose him with autism, my portrayal aligns closer with ANTI-SOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER (aspd).

i was originally going to write this about sociopathy but damian was born with an emotional disconnect, a symptom of those with aspd.   without his brain’s amygdala (fight or flight instinct), he is reckless, impulsive, and careless.   it makes him a great assassin but it also stunts him emotionally.   studies have shown that those with aspd, with no empathy and no proper emotional connections in their brain, will begin to mimic those around them in an attempt to fit in.   damian had been hard-wired to be talia’s perfect successor.   it was a way of life and also the way to nurture a sociopath.   by frowning on emotional outbursts but praising him for logical achievements, this taught damian to repress anything and everything.   with no coping mechanisms as a child, this further pushed him back.

according to the national library of medicine, aspd is a "deeply ingrained and dysfunctional thought process that focuses on social exploitive, delinquent, and criminal behavior most commonly known due to the affected individual's lack of remorse for these behaviors. [ ... ] disregard for and the violation of others' rights are common manifestations of this personality disorder, which displays symptoms that include failure to conform to the law, inability to sustain consistent employment, deception, manipulation for personal gain, and incapacity to form stable relationships." further, mark zimmerman states "[b]oth genetic and environmental factors (eg, abuse during childhood) contribute to the development of antisocial personality disorder. a possible mechanism is impulsive aggression, related to abnormal serotonin transporter functioning. disregard for the pain of others during early childhood has been linked to antisocial behavior during late adolescence."

another study from 2010 for aspd in incarcerated offenders brings up an interesting point: "[aspd] is associated with comorbid disorders, high suicide risk, and impaired quality of life. those with comorbid adhd were more impaired than those without adhd." theravive references the dsm-5 in saying "[ ... ] antisocial personality disorder is comorbid with substance abuse disorder, and other personality disorders (american psychiatric association, 2013)". this specifically aligns well to damian & his grappling with his skin condition. skin hunger is a condition created out of emotional distance in some children, especially if neglected touch from birth through childhood.   it’s especially difficult to deal with on top of aspd.   it can lead to health problems, skin conditions, and in the most severe cases: death.   humans require endorphins to function healthily so when given none from human touch, damian spent his childhood seeking the rush from other means such as assassination contracts.   in his case, he developed a skin condition from it, thanks to his heightened senses.   when touched by another human, his skin feels like it’s being lit on fire.   it’s similar to the feeling of cold water splashing on feverish flesh but amplified.    fortunately, the cure for it is simple:   human contact.    his childhood with it is rough but by the time he reaches maturity, he grows out of it thanks to spending the second half of his childhood roughhousing with his older brothers.

back to aspd. zimmerman had another point that i think is important to highlight: "[r]emorse for actions is lacking. patients with antisocial personality disorder may rationalize their actions by blaming those they hurt (eg, they deserved it) or the way life is (eg, unfair). they are determined not to be pushed around and to do what they think is best for themselves at any cost."

FOR A DIAGNOSIS OF ASPD, PATIENTS MUST HAVE: a persistent disregard for the rights of others AND meet three or more of the following criteria.

disregarding the law, indicated by repeatedly committing acts that are grounds for arrest

being deceitful, indicated by lying repeatedly, using aliases, or conning others for personal gain or pleasure

acting impulsively or not planning ahead

being easily provoked or aggressive, indicated by constantly getting into physical fights or assaulting others

recklessly disregarding their safety or the safety of others

consistently acting irresponsibly, indicated by quitting a job with no plans for another one or not paying bills

not feeling remorse, indicated by indifference to or rationalization of hurting or mistreating others

for a full diagnosis to be accurate, aspd is typically diagnosed at eighteen. the patient must have disorder present before the age of fifteen & the behavior patterns must continue into their young adulthood. there is no evidence of a "cure" for aspd. the current treatments for it are cognitive-behavioral therapy & drugs: both of these are considered short-term goals & are not permanent solutions. neither of which, damian will partake in.

[enetarch-working-w-adhd]

Suceeding w Adult ADHD

While reading the book, I marked various paragraphs of interest and made several notes in the margins. Where I'm quoting the author, I will put those comments in quotes. My comments will follow.

Page 18 .. "Every day, all of us encouter and engage in hundreds, if not thousands, of events, small and large. And, every day we have a choice as to how we are going to interpret each of those events. How we choose to think about these events impacts whether we feel positively or negatively toward ourselves and others."

This is a classic DSM mistake most therapists make about ADHD, that Dr. Barkley talks about in his video "30 things you need to know about ADHD", available on YouTube. The mistake, is that the author ignores how these events trigger an emotional response. The reason why the DSM doesn't like the emotional classification with ADHD is that you can't quantify an emotion .. Happy, Sad, Upset, Extatic .. But, you can quantify 3 specific types of emotional responses .. positive, neutral, and negative .. When therapists and authors ignore these 3 emotional responses to events, tasks, inner monologue, thoughts, and memories, they create extremely long winded explanations on why ADHDrs do things they do, and provide NT based tips and tricks - which are next to useless.

So, again positive, neutral, negative emotional responses to events .. (+), (o), and (-) .. respectively. ADHDrs emotional states swing per event. An external event can kick an ADHDr into a positive mood or negative mood. I will demonstrate this repeatedly as I discuss the various topics she brings up.

Page 20 .. "Thinking errors of ADHDrs". I'm not going to go into the errors here, but I'm going to use them as an example of to describe ADHD Negative Thought Storms. ADHDrs ignore the good things that occur to them, and focus on "things that are going wrong or are negative about a given situation rather than what is right or going well." The Negative (-) Thought Storm arises when a negative (-) event happens, and triggers negative thoughts, memories, and inner monologue. ADHDrs not trained to recognize this event, are also not trained how to exit it, by using 1 single positive (+) external event. Thus, the other 6 categories described on page 21 and 22 are must manifestations of a Negative (-) Thought Storm.

Page 23 .. "Now that you have gained some awareness and insight into your destructie thought patterns, it's important that you learn how to challenge or reframe them. Remember, positive thoughts leads to positive feelings, positive behavior, …" Again, the author neglects to show how a physical external event triggers the positive thoughts, feelings, inner monologue, and memories.

Page 50 .. Increasing your Motivation .. "Because we know the adult ADHD brain will seek out and work toward immediate rewards (and avoid immediate penalties), this idea should be used to help individuals power through less stimulating or emotionally challenging taks that will ultimately help them reach their goals."

Let me describe a better way to motivate an ADHDr. Every taks you have to do, is an event. Every time you think about it, it's an event. Does it cause a positive (+), neutral (o), or negative (-) emotional response. Another way you can figure this out is to draw an emoji (smiley face). Or, select one from your phones keyboard of emojis. Does the emoji represent a happy, sad, or neutral character. If it's a happy character, do the task. If it's a sad character, do the task later. it's that simple.

Now, how do you motivate someone to do a hard task that makes them emotionally sad or triggers negative (-) emotional response .. find ways to make the task generate positive (+) emotional responses. This may mean you need to reframe the task. Or, you need to invite someone over to help with the task. Or, maybe you need to do a bunch of smaller positive (+) tasks to get into a "Can Do!" attitude. These are just 3 ways to generative motivation, that actually work for ADHDrs.

Page 96 .. The author suggests creating a list of your daily routine with average times to complete each part of the routine. This is a good idea as long as it generates positive (+) emotional responses. I would extend this idea further to doing a specific task where people routinely ask you .. "So, how long will that take?" If you time how long it takes you to do something, you will be able to answer confidently, vs shrugging and trying to guesstimate your answer on sketchy knowledge of your past work habits.

In addition to using a tasks list, I would include a circle for an emoji per task. If you want to know how to you feel about doing a task, draw the emoji. Boogie boards or electronic note pads are great for this, because you can erase the emoji and redarw it, each time you see the task.

Page 100 .. do not break your day into 15 min or hourly segments, instead give yourself 10 to 15 spots for appointments on a sheet of paper for that particular day. The reason why, is ADHDrs with OCD will constantly fiddle with the calendar defeating the purpose of the calendar, which is to remind you of appointments. This will require you to build your own paper calendar, and I recommend using a 3 ring binder and self designed sheets that suite your purpose. (maybe some day I'll publish all of my templates.)

Again, in your calendar, only write down the appointments you have for that day, and any Todo's you need to get done. I also create a seperate sheet for all the Todo's that I have to do, so that if I have free time, or am board, or just want to remember something, it gets put there.

Page 111 .. Chapter 6 - Enhancing Social Relationships .. I have no notes on this chapter, but I'm going to say this in general .. What works for an ADHDr, works for NTs as well. If you like positive events, so do NTs. If you generate positive events for an NT, you will have a good relationship with an NT. The converse it true as well. If an NT is annoying you (negative event) you won't want to be around them anymore.

Page 122 .. Better Communication Skills .. here is my motto for speaking to people, "5 Words or Less!" Communicate what you want to say in 5 words or less. Or, be as brief as you can.

Something else that popped up while writing this is .. "You don't have to tell someone the whole truth!" What this means is that while there is a whole story to be told about a true event, you only need to tell the person what they need to know about that true event.

Page 135 .. Chapter 7 - Organize Your Space .. Let me just say .. out of site, out of mind. If you can use clear pastic containers to organize everything into, and elfa shelving to store it on. (This is an OCD Hack) And, use glass cupboard doors in your kitchen! Things can't hide that easily when you can see them.

The other thing i will say about this chapter is that ADHDrs have projects. So, keeping various projects in containers will help you remember what you were doing, and where you were in doing it. I have shelves with labeled 3 ring binders displaying all the projects I'm working on. As I have a thought or idea, I take a sheet of paper, write down the idea and put it in the binder. When the binder is full, it's time to write a book.

Note, this concept can also be applied to email and blogs. Do you find yourself finding wonderful articles that, if saved, would enhance something you're working on. Send it to yourself in an email and later store it in a folder, or post it to a blog. Not only does the blog save it, but others can see your progress and comment on it.

Page 157 .. Chapter 8 - Effective Study Skills .. The material is good here, there are a few things I would add, and an entire subject that I would like the author to research. The first thing that I would add is to use a 3 ring binder to write down topics. While ADHDrs lack skills to know how to capture class notes and study properly, creating their own book on the subject is actually a helpful way for them to capture what is important in the class and study. Each topic would be written like an article that focuses on a specific aspect of the instruction and how the ADHDr would have taught the it. This does a lot of simple things really fast .. but most importantly .. it helps the ADHD see where their gaps in understanding are. If they can't explain the topic, they need to fill that gap to continue building knowledge on the topic.

The area that I would like the author to research and expound on is math. Not just simple addition and subtraction that is taught in K12 schools, but higher math in colleges for engineers, mathematicians, statisticians, and physicists. You see, Math is not processed in the same place that language is. In fact, where most ADHDrs get lots is when trying to memorize relationships between variables (equations). They can't see the same relationship when written with different variables, because the language center of their brain has stored the equation as a picture. If you think that's odd, you're not alone. But, language is processed as a picture not as individual letters. Look at the various type fonts you have access to, each font creates a new picture of the word. (FYI .. psychologists have proven both concepts are true .. language as pictures, and math and language are processed in different parts of the brain.) In fact, math is a guessing game of .. "Am I right?" .. the more times you get the math answer right, the more confident you become in using it as the answer. Does 1 + 1 = 2? Is 2 - 1 = 1? What about - 2 + 1 = -1? Are all these equations saying the same thing?

Remember, ADHDrs have to externalize everything. And, we work best when we are generating positive events (+). So, listen to music that makes you happy, watch a movie that makes you happy, and keep your professor on speed dial, or someone else who knows the subject matter who can help when you get stuck. Nothing will suck your time away faster than a negative event (-).

Page 187 .. Chapter 9 - Job Satisfaction .. I skipped this chapter. But I will impart some wisdom I've found concerning this subject. I do keep a blog on "Working with ADHD" after all. So, as mentioned above concerning friendships .. positive events (+) make for better working relationships. Negative events (-) will make you hate the job. There is a difference bewteen management and leadership. Managers track metrics.. training, productivity, performance, and quality .. Leaders follow the definition of leadership .. Guiding Intent w/Integrity .. (Mind you there are 1000's of styles of leadership ask described by this definition, not all are positive). A good leader and manager will use Project Management 101 .. Manage Expectations .. and the 2nd law of Project Management .. Mind the Gap! .. (I spoke about this earlier in the chapter concerning education.)

A good community is one that supports each other. A bad community is one where people are decisive. (Aka, they create constant tormoil and back stabbing between department and team members.)

Overall, I think the book provides a lot of good information. I just wish it were re-organized from the perspective of how positive (+), neutral (o), and negative (-) events cause respective emotional responses that cause you to seek out or avoid things. I also wish more ADHD coaches and therapists helped ADHDrs to look at life from this perspective as well. For me, I have started curating a constant stream of positive events. When a negative event crops up, I can easily catch it and push it out. When I get depressed .. lost in an ADHDrs Negative Thought Storm .. It has been hard, because I keep trying positive events (+) until I finally get out.

[pulpandgristle]

Don't worry, I didn't die

Apologies for the prolonged absence. There's an explanation with some venting below, if you care to look. The long and short of it is that I'm basically restructuring my entire life and also discovered that my brain is broken in a cool new way, but I'm resettling a little now and I hope to be back in the next week or two. Thanks for being patient everyone, I can't wait to write some more.

Also I got a wonderful new avatar courtesy of @rookshocksshack, go give them some love and/or money!

I've been very busy. And tired. And . . . devastated.

Saying that feels inadequate; I've been trying to think of a better way to explain my disappearance besides "I feel awful and empty" for weeks now, but I don't know of any other way to communicate it. I wish I could give a more "justifiable" reason than that, but I know that's just a mean impulse from the particularly nasty corners of my brain. Hopefully writing this will be therapeutic in some way.

The truth is that I've been under immense pressure for a really long time and I am only recently starting to reduce some of that. In the past two months I've:

Lost my authorization for my ADHD meds, gotten them refilled wrong, lost them again, then gotten them back only to discover that my insurance now charges $100 a month for them with coverage,

Ended a friendship that lasted about nine years with someone I previously trusted like family but no longer do at all,

Discovered that I have severe unmedicated OCD,

Lost $1,300 a month of income because one of my roommates vacated our apartment before the lease was up, and

Helped one of my best friends through her losing her therapist, starting to overcome an addiction and undergoing multiple simultaneous medication changes

In my infinite wisdom I figured that would be the best time to dramatically increase my own workload and formalize my online presence on a platform I'd never used before.

I've been thinking a lot about how to continue with my art, and I want to make sure I create what I want in a way that's sustainable while I go about addressing real-life problems. My workflow has always been erratic and uncooperative. It drives me utterly insane.

I am a slave to what I call the "nested parentheses" problem: I have an internal queue of projects in my brain, each at varying stages of completion, that I intend to finish in a specific order. But whenever I lose momentum I jump to another project and extend the queue another step, producing an infinitely descending spiral of abandoned projects that must now be completed in reverse order to avoid . . . something bad. Probably nothing at all, but good luck convincing me otherwise. I could literally write any of them at any time.

Did you know I only got diagnosed with ADHD and OCD at 26? Wild stuff.

I should point out that I'm doing fine, all things considered. I have a support network and all that. It's just very frustrating to realize that I have been overworked and crushed so thoroughly, and it's been quite difficult to accept that things I previously accepted as normal were, in fact, bad for me. I think I need a period to acclimate to not running on fumes for, like, two consecutive years. Ugh.

Anyway, I'm hoping to be back soon, either with more flash fiction or more offsite work. I have multiple commissions in the pipeline for SCP stuff, independent projects and more, and I am very excited to share them with you.

From the river to the sea, solidarity forever, goodnight.

[pricklypairposts]

Howdy and hello from Finch & Wren of PicklyPair Posts. This blog is an assortment of interests, including History Facts, Our Experiences With Disabilities, Random Intrigues of Society, and College Shenanigans. If you see some shitposts or Batman-related content, no you didn't. 

We have an opinion and ask Column run by Finch, and on desktop a place to post your experiences on our page monitored by Wren. 

Now here are the actual intros:

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Good evening, 

I'm Wren, I'll be doing most of the fun fact work and the post submissions (Roadrunner Ruminations). Honestly, I don't mind most submissions as long as it's educational or fit with our content. I go by they, but do accept he/she if the occasion arises.

Fun fact about me, I have Irlens syndrome. Irlens is a perceptual processing disorder, so I have a lot of stories about me running into things. My brain is mostly just Batman, astrology, fairytales, and whatever I'm into at the moment. My academic interests are neurology, religious studies, and anthropology. I also know a lot about enneagrams and cognitive functions, it's a recurring hyper-fixation. 

College is hard, and fun, but mostly hard. I'm just here to make you think a little and maybe get a laugh.

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Howdy,

I'm Finch, I'll be the one taking care of asks and various content on miscellaneous, and maybe occasionally owls. (Owls are awesome.) I have VACTERL (if you don't know what that is, you soon will), ADHD, and some fun medical adventures. (Also, do not gender me, but if you must, then they/them is fine.)

My topics of interest are ever-shifting, but two fairly consistent ones are books and owls. (Why am I not called "owl" then? Because Finch is better as a name.)

The main goal I have for the content I create on this blog is to spread positivity and information. My posts may also occasionally just be rants about the perils and pitfalls of society, although I will try to keep those lighthearted, entertaining, and relatable.

Society sucks, but at least there's friends and Tumblr :)

[starry-skies-116]

What Is Executive Dysfunction?:

I’m writing this as I have one of the worst executive dysfunction episodes of my life- but I’ve barely enough to get by, thankfully. This is probably going to become a partially ‘ADHD and neurodivergent discussion blog based off of my own experiences dealing with my condition’ because, hey, who can blame me? I’m going into Junior Year of High School, which is exclusively neurotypical and allocishet friendly.

And I’m scared. As hell. And I NEED somewhere to dump my thoughts, so I can FINALLY talk to my school counselor and teachers, and try my damned best to advocate for myself after FINALLY being able to somewhat articulate my condition and slap a label on the suffering that has literally ruined my life at certain points and alienated me from my peers and elders for SO. LONG.

Living in a primarily conservative and traditionalist Indian community that is heavily and tragically uneducated on neurodivergency and having literally everyone around me dismiss my condition as ‘being lazy or unfocused’ is already hard enough as it is. Asian customs of ‘saving face’ ‘honor’ and ‘filial piety’ apply to my region in addition to internalized ableism, humility and queerphobia, and the ‘clan/family’ from which my family is descended from, and though it is common throughout ALL of India and other asian countries, I find it to be more common in South Asia, a coincidentally VERY educationally competitive country and VERY unhealthy environment for even neurotypical students. Everything you do there is literally a test of intelligence, as well as executive function and abled-ness.

Therefore, in my family, school and community, literally all symptoms of neurodivergency are overlooked and dismissed as ‘being lazy and distracted’. And it is mostly because of this that I know not of whether my cousins, parents or other relatives are neurodivergent.

DISCLAIMER, THOUGH: Neurotypical people can also have executive functioning issues from time to time in their daily life, too! It is just that for me, as well as others out there with ADHD, it is frequent and exacerbated by our differing brain structures: it is progress-hindering and literally ruins your life at some points in your life (*cough* middle school for me *cough*).

So, you’ve read the title- what is Executive Dysfunction? Well, to understand that, one must understand executive function and the purpose it serves in functional, typical human beings.

Executive functions are primarily a set of inherent mental skills and cognitive functions present in a typical, average human being (take a healthy human adult as a control group). The eight primary skills present in a human being with working Executive functions are:

Impulse Control, the ability to stop and think before acting (not related to risk assessment in my case).

Self-Monitoring, the ability to view and evaluate oneself (I don’t truly have trouble with this sometimes due to my high self-awareness, yet that is only on VERY few levels).

Emotional Control, the ability to manage emotions to achieve goals and complete tasks (still have EXTREME trouble with this).

Flexibility, the ability to adapt to changing conditions by revising plans or changing strategies (doesn’t come naturally to me due to my shit memory).

Task Initiation, the ability to start and finish tasks without procrastinating upon said tasks (MAJOR problem there, darling- broken dopamine receptors paired with a lack of this has literally RUINED my life on MULTIPLE occasions).

Organization, the ability to develop and use systems to keep track of materials and information (do you wish for an administrative role if you have no problem with this? Then do so).

Working Memory, the ability to use information held in memory to complete a task (NOT to be confused with pattern recognition/sensitivity or conceptual learning from past experience- at least in my case).

Planning and Time Management, the ability to create specific steps to reach a goal (my parents ALWAYS scold me on ‘not planning properly’ all the damn time. This specific function is not impaired, its just that I do things differently in an unorthodox method and order- ‘my way’ if you will).

These functions are all subsumed and regulated by an essential anterior section of the brain known as the frontal lobe. It is through the existence of Executive Functions that the frontal lobe regulates human activities such as consciousness, memory, decision-making, memory, attention, among other roles.

Sound familiar to anyone afflicted with ADHD? It should. What the frontal lobe regulates are the things we struggle with every day: one of the prominent symptoms is our executive function being severely and horribly impaired. Executive Dysfunction, while also showing up in people afflicted with depression, dementia and traumatic brain injuries, primarily shows up in people with Autism or ADHD.

It’s why we feel so goddamn exhausted and burnt out all the time despite having done nothing. It’s why we place something down- the next moment, it’s inexplicably gone from existence and we lose it forever. It’s why what are simple, easy tasks to neurotypicals are actually so hard for neurodivergents. It’s why, even with all the time in the world, we still feel as though there’s not enough because no matter how hard we try, we cannot will ourselves to do things that neurotypical people can patiently slog through so easily. 

It’s why we react faster than we think. It’s why we’re depressed when understimulated and harrowingly anxious when overstimulated- again, broken dopamine receptors; we need tasks and activities that kickstart the production of dopamine. It’s why we can’t process unclear instructions or initiate tasks ourselves, or even pinpoint consequences that should happen instead of a whole pile of possible things that could go wrong.

It’s also why we either have trouble creating routines and planning for difficult busywork, or even feel devastated when our routines somehow are broken by external factors. It’s why we have trouble being aware of social cues or evaluating ourselves. It’s one of the many, many, MANY reasons why we’re called ‘lazy’ or ‘distracted’ or ‘oversensitive’.

It’s why we have to mentally rehearse conversations, meetings and phone calls. It’s why we’re more susceptible to trauma, gaslighting, abuse and manipulation. It’s why adults with ADHD are invalidated and infantilized. It’s why it escalates to the point, if gone untreated, where neurodivergents begin to question their judgement and sanity to the point where they can’t even trust themselves (speaking from past experiences here).

Not having what should be a basic skill and right is damning and pathetic and eternally condemning for us, and neurotypicals with intact executive functioning don’t even realize it.

I searched a long time for the proper term to describe my near-constant exhaustion, struggles with object impermanence and the sheer mental exhaustion that came with ADHD upon trying to live up to neurotypical standards every day before I found this term. Was it depression? Anxiety? Maybe another obscure mental condition I hadn’t heard about?

Turns out depression and anxiety were offshoots of my initial untreated condition, although they have significantly calmed down and became only mild as of now (thanks to masking, some therapy sessions and scolding from my parents that medicine was expensive and that I was ‘living my life wrong’).

So, reminder: If you are experiencing Executive Dysfunction, or if you have ADHD or are neurodivergent in any way… hang in there. Like all things good and bad, this too shall eventually pass, even if not fully. Even with your condition, you’re doing your best, and no one has the right to hold you to neurotypical standards or tell you that you’re just ‘lazy’ or ‘scatterbrained’. 

You’re doing spectacularly, the best that you can, and I’m SO proud of you.

Walk this world with that same pride, alright? There will always be someone out there who believes in you, and I choose to be that person.

[thegeminisage]

17, 22, 23, and 35 for the fic writer ask game?

17. What do you do when writing becomes difficult? (maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block)

oh man i hate to get stuck on wording, but i don't really believe in writer's block!! i wrote a whole post about it here but the short version is that i believe when you are having trouble writing, summing up the general trouble as "writer's block" just makes the problem harder to solve. it's always down to something specific: do i not know where to go next? am i lacking joy in the craft? is there a big intimidating restructure in my future? (there is literally one of these on both my wips currently. kill me) so, to actually answer the question instead of being pedantic, step number one is ALWAYS to figure out EXACTLY why i'm not feeling it. when you figure out what the problem is it's a LOT easier to come up with solutions.

the other thing i do is manage my soundscape. this includes music - i have adhd, so the "right" music, preferably songs i can loop 1000000 times without getting tired of them, will make or break my productivity to a ridiculous degree - but it also includes ambient sounds. i really like this website because you can make your own mixes, and they have a whole section dedicated to fandom-based ones folks have made: inside the tardis, driving the impala, inside the jedi temple, whatever. (they have similar fandom-related atmospheres for video games on youtube. here's one of my favorites.) making one sometimes veers into productive procrastination, but when i'm having trouble getting started (often the hardest part) it usually does the trick. fellow insomniacs - they're also great for falling asleep, lol.

22. Are there certain types of writing you won’t do? (style, pov, genre, tropes, etc)

not really. i don't have the same problem with first-person, for example, that a lot of other people seem to, and i like an excuse to do a different style or whatever. even things i don't normally read for, like non-con, is something i have written about happening in the past (not onscreen) when the situation calls for it. i have only two hard limits: omegaverse and aus. you won't catch me dead doing either one. i think the first is self-explanatory, but as to the latter: i think so much of characters is who they are and their history. when you write an au from the ground up - like, a flowershop au or whatever, as opposed to an au that just veers away from canon at some point - you are taking and rewriting that entire history, and those characters become different people, and my investment almost instantly tanks to zero. i know those people, i don't care about them, and i don't want to write them. i don't even read aus unless it's from an author whose fic i absolute die over...right now, i could count those authors on one hand, lol. fusion aus are a bit of a gray area if i like both properties in question. i did once outline a titanic au for [redacted fandom] and also an anastasia au for bbc merlin*. but that's because i like both the movie anastasia and the characters from merlin. and even then, it's only a tumblr post to exorcise it from my brain - it's never something i'd turn into an actual fic.

23. Best writing advice for other writers?

YOU MUST HAVE FUN. you must you must you MUST have fun. do not do the thing if you do not love to do it. if you do not feel joy when creating then it will come through in the work, like a cranky cook burning their food. if you are writing only for comments: don't. if you are writing because you think you will let down friends/readers/etc otherwise: don't. "write for yourself" doesn't mean don't share work it means write because it makes you happier, or because you'll die if you don't. DON'T DO IT if it doesn't bring you joy!!!!!

35. What is one essential thing to remember when writing a villain?

two things. i'm cheating a little sorry. the first thing is pretty simple and common villain advice: remember that in your villain's pov they are the hero, or at the very least are justified. very few good, well-rounded villains are out here twirling their mustaches and being evil for the sake of evil.

the second thing is DO NOT make your protagonists less competent in order to make your villain seem more scary. this will backfire on you every fucking time. if you want your villain to seem smarter and stronger you cannot simply just make your protagonists dumber and weaker. otherwise they look like out-of-character idiots. consider the character of theo in teen wolf's fifth season...regardless of how you feel about the character, especially in other seasons, it's hard to argue his introductory arc was well-structured. in just a few short episodes, he managed to break years-long bonds between established characters...because the writers decided to make those characters mistrustful and misunderstanding of each other for no reason. instead of ANY of these characters using their brains or believing their good friends, they all acted exactly as theo predicted BECAUSE the writers wanted theo to seem smart and good at manipulating people. but it's definitely NOT how those guys would have acted if they were real people, and theo certainly didn't manage to trick us, the audience - so they just look like morons, instead. (this is why season 5 is the worst season by the way.) never do this. figure out what your characters would do first and THEN use your godlike powers to come up with a way to manipulate them. you're in charge of this thing after all!!!

[ASK MEME]

*i looked really, really hard for this, for over an HOUR, but i can't find it :( essentially arthur plays the anya, merlin the dmitri, morgana the grandmama, and gwen the vlad. it's not a unique concept bc i found other people spinning the idea in less detail on tumblr when i googled it, but i can't find MY DETAILED WRITEUP and i'm mad about it lol. if anyone writes one link me to it. if anyone finds it on my blog on god i'll write you a less than 1k merlin drabble of your choice. hold me to it.

[mejomonster]

i went down a rabbit hole about how binaural beats may help focus, classical music that switches from like 128 to 132 beats (and apparently classical music takes about 20 minutes to get you into focus zone) like Four Seasons/Mozart/Bach/Hans Zimmer’s Inception music works well for this focus-zone, and gamma OR beta waves may help with focus study/writing wise but i can’t entirely figure out which one it’s supposed to be (but theta waves apparently make you calm/relaxed/sleepy so i guess theta is the way to go if you need to digest/calm your nervous system/sleep). 

and anyway ALL THIS to determine Xion’s Theme from Kingdom Hearts MUST be doing the same stuff the ‘classical music’ that causes a focus-zone does. Because for me personally Xion’s Theme works better than ANY other music i’ve tried (better than Hans Zimmer’s stuff since i used that prior to finding Xions Theme and realizing it worked SO much better for me). also i realized just for me personally a more quicker paced instrumental music works better than anything slower pace - i was looking up audios to potentially use on youtube and just universally anything with a slower beat irritated me too much to be useable for me to study with (it can be nice in certain situations but not as a focus background noise). 

all this is to say 1. if you have adhd (or want to focus better) there are some studies i found that indicated specifically gamma beats seem to help to focus in on something, instrumental music of certain qualities (changes slightly over time but you can ignore it ‘in the background’ while you do something - Four Seasons was a well known example song they named as having these qualities), and binaural beats (which seem to help brain focus and kind of connect easier to itself? i wasn’t clear on why but binaural beats create the same brain pattern as pleasant meditation does so listening to binaural beats can help cause that kind of relaxed focus if you don’t have time to go meditate successfully). so 2. there is some usefulness to the idea sounds can help with focus. 

3. dear god does ANYONE have any music recommendations or suggestions of ANYTHING vaguely similar to Xion’s Theme from Kingdom Hearts? Because yes i can focus to it, but i would very much love to be able to focus to more than just one single song you have to understand im here listening to Xion’s theme for 10 hours straight a day to try and focus. i would Really appreciate a little more variety in my options ;-;

[yautjalover]

I posted 1,466 times in 2022

That's 1,466 more posts than 2021!

128 posts created (9%)

1,338 posts reblogged (91%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@yautjarchive

@lunaerebus

@cyvorg

@black-suns-rim

@marsxhy

I tagged 193 of my posts in 2022

#yautjalover - 124 posts

#yautja - 121 posts

#predator - 105 posts

#avp - 41 posts

#alien - 27 posts

#alien vs predator - 22 posts

#fanfic - 22 posts

#prey 2022 - 19 posts

#your anons - 19 posts

#monster romance - 16 posts

Longest Tag: 105 characters

#i vibe with the lore but we must accept that some things are no longer canon and haven’t been for decades

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

As an Autistic and ADHD person, I often like to imagine what it would be like to have a Yautja mate. Part of this will be wish fulfillment of course, but the rest of it will be pure fluff. So I present you this….

The Perks of being Mated to a Yautja

A Yautja is trained to observe their prey and learn their mannerisms in order to understand them, so your mate would immediately be able to tell if something has triggered you. They will immediately correct whatever it is; overstimulation, understimulation, WHAT IS THAT NOISE, need something something something something to relax.

Your Yautja mate would be totally invested in listening to you teach him all about your special interests and support you when you find more! They will love listening to how passionate you are, like how you sit there and listen to their passion for Hunting.

Executive Dysfunction makes it difficult for you to complete tasks and do even the simplest of things, so your mate is always there to be your cheerleader and do it with you to motivate you. They’re there to remind you that sometimes it’s okay that this funny little feature of your brain hinders you and it doesn’t make you less of a responsible person. They understand that the mind is one’s greatest enemy and it cannot be easily overcome.

They make sure to explain in detail the social norms of Yautja so you are not caught in an awkward situation. They’re there to prevent you from getting frustrated or ashamed. Every social interaction is preceded by a lesson in what is right for the moment and what isn’t. They don’t shame you if you mess up and instead are there to catch you (metaphorically) before a breakdown.

Speaking of catching you from a breakdown. Back home on Earth you found the sound of a fan to be relaxing and fill the silence that you hated. With your mate, living with them on their ship, you don’t have that. At first it was hard to find a replacement but eventually you found that your mate’s gentle purrs was a much better sound to stop the ringing in your ears when the world was too quiet. The gentle hum of the engines helped to lull you into peace when they were on a hunt.

Social gatherings are very limited thanks to a life in space with just the two of you so there is never to worry of having to force yourself into unwanted interactions. There are often too many people and too many noises. In space with just you and your mate you don’t have to worry about that. It’s just you and them, someone you’re most comfortable with.

Your mate appreciates your courage and sometimes tries to see how far you’re willing to go, with your consent of course, throughout the whole thing. They like to take you down to a planet with them. You once tried to take one a huge alien beast with sharp claws and teeth, which ended in a hearty lesson that you needed to have some sense of danger and to be wary. Bravery was one of the many qualities they love about you, but they lay some boundaries to ensure your safety. It’s not your fault that sometimes you don’t understand how dangerous something is; you’re still exploring the universe. The good thing is that your mate won’t shame you but try to teach you with a loving hand.

They love how attentive to detail you are and appreciate that quality. A few times they have sat down with you and let you watch recordings of a hunt. They like to see you catch details that otherwise wouldn’t stand out. You’re thorough in your explanations and questioning when something doesn’t make sense. Your Yautja mate encourages your attention to things that most others would look over.

You tend to be forgetful so they are always there to be a helpful reminder and leave notes everywhere for you on a Hunt when they can’t. When you two do interact with others on the rare occasion, your mate reminds you of the “unwritten” rules of Yautja society to ensure you have a pleasant experience.

Your mate will immediately remove you from situations that have caused discomfort and unease. They will never shame you or belittle you for becoming overwhelmed. They will listen to your explanation, if you can find the right words, as to what made you uncomfortable so they can correct it and prevent it next time.

Your mate loves you unconditionally and constantly reminds you that there is nothing wrong with you. They love your uniqueness on how you interact with the world and who you are as a person because of it. Anyone who looks at you funny or treats you differently is quickly corrected after some intimidation.

I hope others find this to be relatable. Feel free to pick and choose which one applies as we’re all different when it comes to our quirks.

337 notes - Posted April 25, 2022

#4

Fugitive Appreciation Post

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342 notes - Posted June 23, 2022

#3

Ahhhhh. I love how they’re giving us glimpses of him at a time. This shot is amazing! It’s from this trailer floating around Twitter from Prey’s own Twitter.

353 notes - Posted June 8, 2022

#2

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367 notes - Posted February 21, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Yautja who don’t hunt and keep society running. I ended up writing this short female reader x male Yautja. I hope you enjoy it.

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Mating a Farmer Yautja 🪴🌾

Being the only human aboard a Yautja clan-ship was stressful. You had been taken for amusement from the small colony you lived in when you were the sole survivor of a Xenomorph infestation. There were many giant aliens all around you, watching with their predatory gazes, never giving you a minute of solace. It wasn’t until one day that you accidentally walked into a room full of plants that you found your happy place.

The ship had its very own farm in a large space in the center. It was wide and rectangular with every spare inch covered with vertical columns where alien plants grew in. Long basins lined the walls, teeming with many colorful flowering plants that had varying smells that were new to your senses.

Some of the flora were exotic, spicy, sweet, and even ones that smelled bitter. The ones with blue flowers smelled like a spicy mint while the yellow tulip-like ones smelled sweet. As a farmer and botanist yourself, that having been your job on the colony, were excited to learn as much as you could about this alien farm. There was even actual dirt in various parts of the floor where short metal strips kept it in.

The dirt was earthy and damp beneath your fingers. It was dark in color but smelled like home.

Back on the colony the farm you tended relaxed your nerves and helped bring an inner peace that nothing else could. So, of course, you visited this room often to escape the stares of the aliens. Here there were only the plants and a plant couldn’t openly stare at you like you were a freak.

It was one fateful day that your peace was shattered when one of the Yautja walked in carrying a metal container. You stayed hidden in a corner behind a pillar watching the alien pull various items from the box.

They were huge like all of the others, their dreadlock tendrils falling a little past their clavicles. Their hide was a rich muddy brown with lighter mottling of green. Like the other Yautja, this one wore a loincloth but this one’s a green that contrasted nicely with their coloring. Compared to the others, this one was appealing in a way.

You watched as they quickly got to work tending the many plants in the room, watering each one when completed with a hose they procured from the wall, the long black tube never-ending. At some point they came to the pillar that was your hiding space, prompting you to try to make your escape before they noticed you.

It was, however, in vain.

They blocked your route of escape and stood there with an arched brow, their head cocked to the side slightly. Eyes as yellow as a Buttercup peered down at you with curiosity.

“S-sorry. I just needed t-to get some peace. I’ll…umm…get out of your hair.” You mumbled, keeping your head down in submission to avoid their eyes. You steeled yourself for the coming anger but it never did. There wasn’t even a single growl.

“Plants peaceful. Ooman stay. Other Yautja thinks ooman annoying.” They struggled with the pronunciation, a large hand coming to pat your shoulder gently before they got back to work.

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690 notes - Posted May 26, 2022

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