#so hopefully i can get back on meds for it :3 yay <3

[chilipepperconverse]

had a nice day today

[agronian]

hey everyone! update on my situation- i finally am back in a safe and stable(ish) place to stay- my friend is letting me crash on their couch for about 2 weeks until i can hopefully grow wings and fly away.... erm... i mean- get back on my feet again. anyways.

i am still majorly broke, i owe 3 people money, and i need to get some groceries as my new temp roomie is also impoverished atm and in a way is in crisis themselves with their mental illness. transitioning to a new med (seroquel) which i have taken and it is a HARD DRUG yall. it will put ANYONE on their ass for like 2 weeks until you get used to it. their job actualyl fired them for taking time off (that they had TOLD THEM THEY WERE TAKING SJDNKJD) so yeah. crisis buddies. harumph.

my paypal is the same as my name here "agronian"

they have a crypto wallet and said "ehh yo here paste my crypto addy wontcha?" so of course i shall honor their dubious request. yay, crypto! (i should learn more about crypto... >>)

idk what this means but they said to write that it is "ETH" so ya have at it help my trans roomie who is also in crisis save up enough for top surgery + also be in crisis and try to survive with me!!! ( i am WAY too cheerful about this... um... yay.... coping..?)

roomie ETH addy: 0x6595A84E55adECc2Dd9ED58873Fb0dE0775B0509

[mayalaen]

I hope the new year is treating you well and i was curious if you had an update on how the CON verse is going? I do enjoy your posts where you talk about experiences writing as a writer myself it’s always nice to hear how others are doing.

Hiiiii!

There's not much of an update because I haven't finished anything, but here goes.

The long version (short version at the bottom) is I'm in the middle of selling my shops (the pan/demic interrupted that and it's been on hold until now) and it's taking a lot of time and mental energy.

I've also been dealing with a hormone issue due to long-term use of heavy psych meds causing early perimenopause/menopause which messed with my schiz and together formed an awful megabeast 😫

After posting Part 3, I was stuck in CON 'verse and frustrated with it. A friend was helping me with it along with a couple other friends who were cheering me on and helping with plot holes and Sam characterization, etc. but I needed some time away from it to tackle it again.

My hormone issue is settling (as well as it can be for now) and as an awesome side effect of the treatment for it, my hallucinations are gone! 😲

I'm cautiously excited about this because I'm worried it's going to come back -- nothing has ever worked long-term for my schiz, but nothing else has completely stopped my hallucinations before either so YAY!!

Anyway, I've spent enough time not working on CON 'verse that my head is clearer and it's not a jumbled mess. I can start fresh and do the re-write on the first three parts and continue from there.

In the meantime I've had new ideas, and I'm now up to 30 parts total (only 3 parts posted so far) that are either summarized, partially written, mostly written, or finished and need a beta.

I still have to deal with the shop, which takes up A LOT of time and mental energy. I work 70-100 hours a week on it.

I'm also taking care of my parents and my aunt, and that's very tiring, but the shop is the main problem now. Once the shop is sold, I have SO many plans!

Short version is that life and mental issues got in the way but are clearing up (hopefully a bunch if I can get this stupid shop sold soon) and I'm excited to work on CON 'verse again with a less jumbled head.

Thank you for asking! It's great to know there are readers ready when I do get more posted!

[zolusbian]

so im a ltitle over four months post-breast reduction, yay! here are some thoughts

1. my scars are settled; they’ll lighten over time, but i don’t think i’m going  to take any measures to make them lighter or tattoo over them or anything. i do not find them ugly and they do not cause me dysphoria of any kind. i do genuinely think this has part to do with having a transmasc partner and frequently associating with transmasc people; any form of top surgery scars to me has become more normal than scar-less chests.

2. any science that says breast reductions have no strong correlation to reducing back pain are a LIE and are an example of MISOGYNIST SCIENCE. my life is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. the back pain has essentially vanished. i used to spend my entire day at a baseline 3 or 4 of pain, which would spike up to 7-8 after chores like washing dishes or hanging laundry. the worst my back pain ever was was actually at my pre-surgery consultation when the surgeon did my marks; i had to stand on my feet with no sports bra for about 30 minutes and i was nauseous, dizzy, knees shaking, almost passing out and puking levels of pain, a straight-up 9 or 10. i have not experienced any of this. i get some very, very mild level 2 back pain every once in a while that goes away by sitting down for a few minutes. before, to go down to base level, pain meds would not work and i pretty much had to go to sleep and hard reset my body. HUGE difference.

3. relatedly, adjusting to my (lack of) pain levels is strange. i keep expecting to run out of energy and keeping putting limitations that are not actually necessary on myself. i frequently find myself doing chores and thinking “okay, i’ll take a break soon,” even though i’m not actually tired, because i am anticipating the tiredness. it consistently shocks me when i can keep going through my day. on the flip side, the fact that some pain is manageable is very strange to me; i expect it to knock me out for the rest of the day but, like i said, a few minutes of rest or at MOST a mild pain med and i’m back at it.

4. i can cook now! turns out like 75% of my hatred towards cooking was the fact that i had to stand on my feet to stir things. i still do not enjoy cooking, but if i want to make a special recipe, or noa is tired and isn’t up to it, or i want to bake a cake, i can, with no pain.

5. my breasts are still lumpy. this is particularly true of my left breast, which has what feels like a marble at the bottom. feels super gross! but it’s getting smaller so hopefully no more lumps in a few months. (they are, however, a perfect, squeezable handful, lumps and all).

if you are considering breast reduction, or any other kind of top surgery, feel free to send me asks! i went through a sizable reducton and my partner had complete top surgery, he had drains and i did not, and we both had great experiences and wouldn’t mind talking to anybody with questions :)

[dzpenumbra]

12/7/22

I had two things I really wanted to get done today. 1) call the new vet and get my cats sedatives prescribed so I'm ready to prep her for her blood draw. 2) unpack some of my shit that's just scattered all over the apartment.

Today was high highs and low lows. I kept getting distracted. Like... big-time. It was a hard day in that respect. I'm very lucky these important things are not urgent, or... yeah... I'd be much more upset with myself. I did not get either of them done.

I set up a new Minecraft modpack though. Totally need that... And I got way too much Applebee's, and barely ate any. It makes me upset.

But... to stop beating myself up so goddamn much and cut myself some slack... I got move-in/christmas presents from my brother and his wife. That was very sweet of them, I didn't open them yet but I will before bed. And I decided to finish the jewelry piece for my Mom - which I did and it came out pretty damn cool - and make one for my sister in law. The one for my sister in law was... well let's just say it evolved a lot from genesis to final product. It went from very sleek and symmetrical to very ornate and organic, due to many snags along the way and me going "fuck it, we're making it work." I think the final product turned out really cool actually, and I'm proud of myself. The garnet beads for my mom's piece will hopefully get here before christmas so I can finalize hers too.

And I went up and figured out the laundry card things and took my recycling out. So that was good, pat on the back for me. So yeah. I'm kinda just beating myself up a bit too much lately, like I noted last night, so I'm gonna chill with that. I have all the time in the world to move in. And I can get my cat's meds sorted tomorrow, I'll set a reminder for myself. I made good accomplishments, and if I don't celebrate those, if I don't even acknowledge those... then what good do they serve?

Oh, and my door is fixed, so I will feel much safer tonight. Yay!

I'm a bit burnt out today, so I'm just gonna crash, no 3-page rant tonight.

[freedom-fighter]

day 0- 28/11/22

I am so Happy, so Grateful and so in Love with:

31) Our upcoming umrah trip with our parents, umrah mabrur.

30) with the offers that has been coming in for Rfr, hopefully we can a good price and move on to our next property smoothly innshaaAllah.

29) that me and my beautiful wife are going for a walk just before our work ! yay!!! <3 xoxo 

28) The long bus ride earlier with AMAZING lake view that I forgot existed in Singapore. It was so tranquil and peaceful. 

27) Silver surfer presence and to owing something that I never thought possible. It makes the job and day2day so much convenient! 

26) Despite everything, Allah still loves bountifully, he gives and provides in abundance for us. 

25) To wake up, start the morning feeling good & strong despite having a late nighter and 1 sustainable morning routine ! 

with WSM taking over the role of CMO. syukur Alhamdulilah !!!! 

Reconnected back with step and wan qi earlier 

SERIES of closings, trust of clients and the abduance of clients coming from EVERYwhere !   With finaz and Nadz in the team. cant wait for them to blossom and make their $$$$! 

The past one month has been exhilarating b2b appts, work. The flow is here and let’s finish 2022 with a BANG !!! 

With the breathe that I was able to take today and the abundance opportunities that have presented and/or that will come along our path innshaaAllah. My success is only through Allah swt. Syukur alhamdulilah

BREAKTHROUGHS !!!! No meds and my mood has been excellent. Energy levels and drive has been 100. Working out and eliminating toxic habits is a game changer. I’m ready for the many more to come. Bismillah. Focus, Believe and Achieve !

results of 2nd qtr performance, a good wake up call. if you are not going to put the time to work, results won’t come. Breathe, focus and keep ongoing. 

JOURNALING, it really puts your abundance blessings into place and whatever that was “lacking” seems so insignificant now. Syukur alhamdulilah! 

BEACH ULTIMATE HAT 2022 AUG with loads of sun tanning !!!! (almost died)

Our beautiful messenger of peace, Nabi Muhammad SAW, I cant wait to see, meet and witness his presence in my sleep. One can only imagine a life with his dazzling presence.

Allah, how everything falls into place at the right place and right time. Keep on moving forward, tie the camel, pray and Dua hard.

how bountiful rizq has been appearing from EVERWHERE and the good streak of leads and closing, Bismillah. Platinum for aug 2022 ! Even a good hobby and soccer match is rizq. syukur Alhamdulilah.

Precious family time, it gives me perspective and to slow down. As a husband, father and son. After all, what matters more than family?

Bubai and bubai’s mother for their time, effort, priceless advices, syafakillah to bubai and we will keep her in our kind duas innshaaAllah. Here’s to alll the caretakers out there !!!! xx

being uncomfortable and being in fear, it has taught me to breathe, slow down, keep on showing up and the world isn’t as scary you think it is. It will come when the time is right. I’ll doorknock my way to the top !

my mental state and how it has taught me to be resilient, grateful grit, and not to take the small things in life for granted

Being selected as to be born as a muslim in the end of times. It is my purpose of life and acts as a moral compass in my decision making. 

Waking up and getting an opportunity to be better ME ! 

My REAL estate business. It gives me a fulfilling sense to actually come in and impact a family on so many levels. I am empowered and committed to touch as many lives as I can while contributing sadaqah jariyah with my work, knowledge and experience. 

BROtor, same boat, comforting words, focus, assurance and keep moving forward. #believe and #nevergiveup! 

Our tightly knitted family. They give loads of comfort and nothing beats coming home to a family that fills you with warmth, love and companionship

my lovely wife whom never fails to inspire me with her intellect, work ethics, opens my worldly perspectives. She gives me the best companionship, bff, spouse, wife, mother and ultimately, I will never forget that she is a prayer come true. I prayed for her when I was at my lowest, vulnerable and when I had almost nothing. She took me in and showered me with TLC.

My foot injury, the importance of slowing down and watching our body as we age. The importance of strengthening and condition especially if we want play at the highest level of ultimate

My current fitness level and my dad bod. If anything, it will teach me the actual fruit of labour, the secret to success and limitless energy. The power of constant hardwork, focus and discipline cant be undermined!

Bismillah, Let’s go

[jaimistoryteller]

Update Time

1/7/2021

Hiya All

I hope you all are having a wonderful start to the year. 

I hope this makes sense, as my brain feels a bit overloaded currently, with everything going on both personally, with friends and family, and in society as a whole. Stress is sadly the name of the game. 

Cosmos Market: still playing phone tag, it is not helped by some of the other things going on in life. I’m still determined to get the bank account open, so the store will be open. 

Winston’s payment & meds: covered, thank you wonderful peep!

Cost: $240, of which I needed $182, as I had covered the rest. 

Furnace: I paid them, and now my account is in the negative. 

Cost: $524, of which I am -$331 in my account. 

Water: right, this is the big one right now. I spent 9 days without water. Monday Dec 28, 2020 to Wed 6, 2021 I had no water in my house. It started off cause my pipes were frozen. 

Why were my pipes frozen? Cause 2 of my 3 heaters had stopped working. Fun times! So several space heaters later, I got my pipes unfrozen. But my water still wasn’t working. 

So with Shelk’s help, I went under the house. Discovered several different problems with the house. To be listed later. I was hoping for a broken pipe, annoying but easy to fix and poof water works again. Sadly, it wasn’t a broken pipe. According to the troubleshooting I did using the motor’s information guides, it was the well motor. 

Took four days to get a repair man here. Why? None were open or serviced my area on Sun. The one I connected with and was supposed to fix it had knee surgery, so his assistant was supposed to do it. Welp, his assistant didn’t do it, and no one bothered saying “hey, go ahead and find someone else”, which, rude. So I called four more places. One didn’t service my area, despite their site saying they did, two didn’t answer, the fourth was awesome.

Within two hours of calling the fourth, my pump was fixed. Yay! It ended up not being the motor, but a little switch on the back of it, that wasn’t covered by the troubleshooting guides. Also, the wair tank that goes with was broke. Fun times! Still, it ended up being cheaper then I was originally quoted by the bloke who skipped out on me. 

I was warned that the way my tub never turns off can lead to it happening again.

So now I have to get that done sooner or later, to avoid having to replace these parts again. Yay for that. Not. 

Cost 1:  $655, which hasn’t hit my account yet, and thus isn’t showing yet, but still coming. 

Cost 2: $210, the parts to fix the water in my tub, and the rest of my house so that this doesn’t happen again. I’m going to try and patch it today or tomorrow, but patch jobs are not long term solutions. 

Roof: I have a see out the wall hole, where my roof meets the wall. Currently patched up, but alas, that is only a temporary fix as well, considering the entire area around it is covered in black mold, technically saturated would be a better word as it goes completely through the wood from both inside and out. I have not yet figured out exactly how much it will cost to replace said roof, I just know it has to be done. 

Prior to patching it, I had about 20 gallons of water coming in a day, that I was having to drain from my bucket. That is both time consuming and painful, not to mention frustrating as this wasn’t a problem last year.   

Conclusion: I seriously need help, hopefully get the stimulus sooner than later, cause it will cover the cost of the water pump at least. Until then, I’ll just count it as needed anyways. 

Total Needed: $1,196

Thank you all for reading this, please share as you can, as that is as helpful as donating or commissioning me, 

Jaimi

PS. Proof beneath the cut

Jaimi’s GoFundMe

Paypal: cosmosbusinessventures@gmail.com or Paypal Me

Ko-Fi

venmo @ JaimiST

Cash app $jaimist

Patreon

[ID: balances in my bank account -$330.14 and $1.74, $0 in Paypal]

[ID: receipt for the well being fixed. -$655]

[joonbugg]

Some TWs for mentions of meds and indirect mentions of covid

Hey,

First off, I know I don’t have much of a following here, but for those that are still here, I’m still here too. I apologize for my absence for over a month now, 2022 has been very rocky on this end.

I hope I don’t come off as pretentious because I’m certainly not the only one that’s been going through it.

I am also aware of the events happening in Europe right now and I hope I don’t come off as insensitive now or at any point in the future. I never thought I’d see the day when a war broke out, but I also don’t know what I was expecting. I hope this entire post doesn’t come off as insensitive.

—————

I started taking a new medication mid-January and, whether you have or haven’t been through that process, it’s a process. It actually just got changed again the other day so I’m back at it, but it’s going a bit better this time. (I say very lightly, it’s only been 3 days). It took a lot out of me the first time and I was not feeling well at all. But I am a bit better now. If you’re going through the same thing right now, stay strong and stick with it. It’s for the greater good.

Everything that happened with Jimin and then Taehyung, hit kinda hard. For a very long time I was just sitting with this feeling of “it’s only a matter of time before something serious happens to them.” Sure enough, Christmas rolled around and boom, 3 members down. Then Jimin had a very unexpected double whammy and that was scary. Coincidently, I still had that “matter of time” feeling (it’s very overwhelming) and for some reason, I kept thinking something was going to happen to Taehyung. Sure enough, you know the rest of the story. It all hit really hard. I know I’m not that only one in that either though. I’m glad the boys are all very strong and healthy. I’m glad to be seeing them back in the studio and back with each and I believe all the members heal each other in some way.

On a happier note, I made it to my birthday. I’m 19!!!! My birthday was February 15th and I had actually planned to make a little comeback and give you an update then, but unfortunately, Tae tested positive that day. I didn’t want to come off as insensitive about the situation, so I didn’t post anything. Idk, it just didn’t feel right to. I tried not to let it get me down though and it was a pretty good day. I waited to write this until we got the word that he was alright. So…. Yay!!!! My birthday and Taehyung is okay!!!!

Happy birthday Hobi!!! 🎉💜🥳

The vlives have been fun 😊

Holy shit!!!!! BTS coming to Las Vegas!!!!!! Good for them. Manifesting good health for the rest of 2022. Also can we talk about the fact that BTS are filling up 2 stadiums at a time. One with the actual concert and a live-streamed concert?!!!!!! Truly the greatest.

Anyways, those are the main things that have been going on with me for the past month. Sorry, again about the absence. I feel guilty for the people I interact with bc y’all need support too. Hopefully, things will get better and I’ll try my best to be here more often.

Let’s be happy and try to find the light. It’s not easy, but it’s always there and you deserve to find it.

[nelllraiser]

semi-hiatus until march 5th

// Hello friends! I just wanted to let everyone know that I’m taking a semi-hiatus for a couple of weeks! I’m still going to try and make an effort to rp, but I’m uncertain how consistent I’ll be on dash and chatzy docs! However I’ll defs still be around in the server and stuff! (mental illness meds mentioned under the cut)

I’m going to be moving, yay! Unfortunately this comes with a lot of time consumption and anxiety so I’m just making sure I’ll have the time I need to get everything ready/moved in! I’ve also begun taking some new meds that have put my head on a little weird at the moment, and makes it very difficult for me to rp for the time being. Hopefully I can adjust to these in the next couple weeks and get back on track. Thank you everyone for being so wonderful and beautiful, and I hope to figure things out ASAP <3 

[satorou-s]

MEAT IS GOD | zombies au

“I’m so fucking tired of stale beef jerky.”

“WE STILL HAD THAT?!”

zombie apocalypse au

i have been dreaming about this for days, i may as well write it

warnings: might be shitty, don’t hate on me

this is gonna be pretty long, so buckle up and grab a drink

it’s the start of a new decade and the world is swept by a deadly virus that causes the dead to start walking

crazy shit man

a month into the apocalypse, daichi crosses paths with med student sugawara and architecture grad asahi, they decide to team up because a small group is better than being all alone in this world

a week later, they hear a loud ass “SHIT” coming from an alley and comes across nishinoya trying to fight off 3 of the undead all by himself ,,, the men [muscle emoji muscle emoji] decides to help - because sir suga said they should - and lo and behold, welcome noya to the group

noya tells them about the people he was staying with in an apartment complex, his childhood friend tanaka and his wife, shimizu [rio needs to add heart eyes here but she’s too lazy to] 

daichi decides OK YALL ,, LEZGO

now we have the group of: daichi, suga, asahi, noya, tanaka and shimizu

their ultimate goal is to get to the countryside where asahi’s family has a farm and hopefully, there wouldnt be as much zombies (or zombos as tanaka and noya calls them), and they’d have ~crops~

enter: star child, IWAIZUMI HAJIME

THIS MOTHERFUCKER

suga remembers this dude from one of his pre-med courses and here he is swinging a machete against FOUR ZOMBOS AND HE HANDLING THEM SO WELL

wow his muscles

iwaizumi got his hair tied back with a red bandana as a headband, he’s got a tanktop and an unbuttoned top on, cargo pants ,, boots ,, has this wrist band and ,, he looks so delicious man

ne way ,, so the group + iwa head off to the countryside yeehaw

they come across an enclosed camp

“YALL GOTTA STAY WHERE YOU ARE”

where the fu c k is that voice coming from

they look up and on the water tank we got OIKAWA TOORU WITH A FUCKIN RIFLE AND SHIT

he highkey the best shot with that shit in this camp

“YO WE AINT TRYNA PICK A FIGHT” they said

“SO DROP THE FUCKIN WEAPONS” oikawa says

“ITS LITRALLY A FUCKIN CROWBAR BITCH LET US IN”

“okay”

the big ass gates open, and there we have (cue angel music)

ushijima wakatoshi, kita shinsuke and bokuto koutaro

bokuto introduces themselves as 1/2 of the council in charge of the camp

there’s a council ?? yes

in the council, we have ushijima and kita who are in charge of the farm (the livestock and the crops ,, ushijima has a favorite chicken)

oikawa is in charge of border patrol ,, he’s fuckin deadly with that rifle and his accuracy on that thing is A++ 20/20 vision

bob the builder? we dont know him. we only know bokuto the builder he highkey be the dude who built most of the camp, the farms, repairs the gate, UGH LOVE THAT FOR HIM

we have a kuroo tetsuroo in charge of training, and supply runs ,, he knows which pads and tampons the women in the camp need ,, HIGHKEY

yaku is the mans in charge of the newbies, and speaking of ,, WELCOME TO THE CAMP TOUR

the whole camp is surrounded by fence walls, there are four posts and two main gates (west and south), there are tents in rows on the east side of the camp, and a row of outhouses (that bokuto built) and porta potties beside the main building, where people keep stocks n inventory by the north wall ,,, the whole west and south are mostly farm areas and where ppl park their vechiles

hopefully yall can imagine that

everybody in the camp has jobs to do

daichi and noya were put under kuroo for supply runs ,, noya is a quick boy and daichi is SMART wow they’re PERFECT FOR THIS

sugawara became the medic of the camp ,, their old medic died on a run so suga coming into the camp was basically a god sent ,, he also does inventory checks (with this dude named tsukishima kei who DIDNT sign up for the job but he does it anyway)

asahi does border patrol (coz wow imagine those thicc arms with a rifle in hand ,, DELICIOUS) he also helps bokuto in repairing and building things for the camp ,, their current project is another table for the mess hall/dining area :D

shimizu was put in to help care for the children in the camp ,, she sorta became a teacher and helps this girl yachi and this dude akaashi in teaching the kids basic education (because even in a zombie apocalypse, these children should kNOW HOW TO READ AND WRITE)

tanaka was put into farm work

a few months later, people started to get real sick in the camp ,, LIKE ,, season 4 of the walking dead type of sick where a fever can kill you and turn you into a zombo

suga is running out of antibiotics and ushijima’s medicinal herbs arent enough (yes he grows a herb farm)

noya nd kuroo goes out on a supply run to look for pharmacies to raid

lo and behold in one of these pharmacies they find a hinata shoyo and a kageyama tobio camped out in the back office

noya and kuroo brings them back to the camp with the medicine yay

hinata is a med student (noya showed off how it was him that helped look for the right kinds of antibiotics in the pharmacy) ,, kags is hinata’s annoying dorm mate

kageyama rolls into the camp with a rifle on his back and they ask if he’s any good with it yes he’s quite good ,, they put him under oikawa’s care

oikawa’s quite hesitant to teach this kid with the sharp and mean eyes but he does it anyway #SupportOikawa

tagging: @pretty-settersquad​ - @himbokutos​  - @akaaaashit​

with contrib from: @bord-y​ & @fitriiaw​ for the inspo

you guys are free to add on with what you think :> | also im sorry for not writing all of the characters into this but it will make the post longer than it already is | feel free to share how you’d see your fave characters in this au :0

[artemidian]

okay so first of all i did make bruschetta! my stomach kinda hurts now but like. it was still pretty good. idk i still feel like i shouldn't have and the more i think about it the more i'm like. that was a Bad Idea. if you can't tell i really do have some sort of issues <3. idk who will eat it all now tho cause it's a lot. i did eat a lot tho too so like. man idk. now i wanna go and move because i hate sitting after i eat but i don't have anywhere to go. my friend wanted to watch a movie so now we're doing a netflix party but like. idk it's not anything i'm interested in.

anyways the other paragraphs:

my sleep schedule is always a mess. i sleep best when i'm full on exhausted and there's not much exhaustion going on rn. that's why i load up my schedule during the school year (the year before this past, i was at my school from 7:30 to 8-10 pm all the time). i hope you can avoid any new burn outs, those are never fun. as for my sinuses—i've always had sinus problems. i used to have infections when i was little often (i once was on antibiotics for one for 40 days lmfao). and sinuses go hand in hand with migraines actually so. yeah. it's a normal thing and i usually can't move my eyes around too much or i get pain/headaches. i wake up with that pretty much everyday, usually sharp pain around my eyes, but today just my entire head hurt and my sinuses were just. yeah. no eye movement today ! my neck just started hurting too so that's the migraine setting in lol

also my nose is still hurt but i can't really do anything about it. i just hope it'll pass

and pre cal, rn it's vectors. not that difficult, but i have certain things (writing, tumblr, now pre cal) that just make me anxious at the thought of doing them. idk. it'll be fine

and my list won't be entirely unattainable. mostly just like. fix myself physically (i want stronger hip muscles, arms, etc.). figure out my hair, fix this shit on my arms, find shoes, find new clothes, etc etc. just that sort of thing.

and that doesn't sound fun. try hot water/shower/bath and massaging the area. and use some sort of cream/something to put on it (can't think of the proper terminology). and the hand thing sounds really painful omg. i hope it gets better soon. you have time today so you should relax, and i'm happy your meds + productivity have been good! that's always nice

once again response under the cut–

yay bruschetta! hopefully after you give yourself a bit of time to digest your stomach will hurt less? idk though, everyone's different. and idk if your neighborhood is safe to walk in, but if it is you could go for a short walk? i live in like. okay so it's technically a village. in the woods. but that makes me sound like i'm a medieval peasant so uh. long story short i can go for walks but idk about you– i feel like i remember you mentioning that your area wasn't very safe at one point. either way i hope you feel a bit better :(

with exhaustion: okay not to be *that* person but i'll tell you what my doctor told me my freshman year? sophomore year? it was basically along the lines of "your brain is still developing please stop teaching it that stress = good living conditions and start teaching yourself to work/sleep better" so. lmao and here i am djfhsfkjsd but yeah burn out is not fun but it'll probably happen again soon. i'm still not fully back from the last school year and just with things going on right now in my life it's just kind of– on the horizon lol.

yeah i knew a bit about sinuses because my sister tells me Migraine Facts from time to time and that was one of them. idk any condition where normal means functioning while in pain is hell, im sorry babe. i never know what to say but like. i'm sensitive lol. and i hope that your nose gets better and that whatever's wrong with it isn't too severe.

yeah i understand that. i usually try to break it down into the smallest bits possible to make it seem manageable. and at least you're on break with writing, so you don't have to think about it. you can always take a break from tumblr if you need it babe.

and yeah just make sure you keep your goals manageable, yknow? ambition and gentleness can co-exist, if that makes sense.

and YEAH my hand hurts this sucks. it's not that bad but yeah. because there's no way for it to not be in pain right now– because it's on my dominant hand, anytime i move my hand to do anything it pulls at it. i have a bandage on it but it's in a really inconvenient place to bandage? and i was going to take a shower to help with the soreness but it hurts my hand so <\3 and i wanted to workout today but i'm too sore, which is frustrating. but it's probably good that i can't right now for reasons but still. there was some stuff that i just wanted to mess around with, like some old choreo, but my entire body hurts so i'm just resting today. i was going to just daydream + write down notes on those daydreams but like. i have absolutely no ideas at the moment. @ the universe please give me new ced ideas <3 my brain is dead <3 also the "e" "l" "w" "k" and "j" keys on my laptop stopped working halfway through that sentence so i've got to switch to my phone and also figure that out now ;-; i used copy and paste just to finish but i'm not going to keep doing that

[bigskydreaming]

So this is definitely one of my least favorite things to do, because there’s so many people on here that need help, but if anyone has a couple bucks or a five they can spare, that would be an enormous help to me today. 

For those that know my situation, as far as I know, everything is still on track for me to have the lets-pull-all-twenty-eight - of-your-remaining-teeth-at-once-it’ll-be-fun! surgery on Tuesday. I’m reeeeally looking forward to it, and also the Month of Living Without Any Teeth At All while I heal and they figure out the fittings and everything for my bionic teeth or whatever. Everything about it sounds swell. Can’t wait, it’ll be great.

SO. The plan is for me to take the bus out to the desert on Monday afternoon, reenact some of the best scenes from Saw on Tuesday morning while under hopefully heavy sedation, with fingers and toes crossed that these doctors actually listen to me for once about my ridiculous metabolism making most anesthetics wear off super fast. Because. Ugh. Doctors literally never believe me about that which has led to some pretty not cool experiences in the past, but none of those experiences have been yanking out every one of my teeth by the root all in one go, soooooooo, if ever there was a time for them to think maybe I actually know what I’m talking about and make adjustments for that, I’m pretty sure I want this to be that time. 

Thanks to my keen intuition, I have predicted that this whole process is something I probably want to be deeply unconscious for, and during, and tbh, maybe a week or so after that too. But like, I’ll mostly settle for just not waking up when they’re only actually on tooth eight, you know?

If I seem like I’m babbling cuz I’m nervous, its probably cuz I’m babbling cuz I’m nervous. I’m so not kidding about unpleasant experiences with anesthetics in the past, so while this wasn’t actually my reason for making this post, while I’m thinking about it, if anyone wants to also maybe shoot a quick prayer-tweet over to whomever you might personally @ with that kind of thing, I would be super grateful for anything of that nature, like something along the lines of “Dear Merciful Higher Power/Universe/etc, if there’s any way you could see to it that Kalen spends most of Tuesday knocked the fuck out, that would be awesome, thanks!”

Its just, I’m kinda over being in excruciating pain all day every day, like, I gave it a shot, just don’t think its for me, I’m afraid I just don’t have what it takes to be a hardcore raging masochist or whatever, so I’m just really not looking to set any new personal pain records next week if at all possible.

ANYWAY, requests for spamming higher powers on my behalf aside, the other reason for this post is I only have $3 in my bank account and an appointment this afternoon whose co-pay is going to be $50. But I can NOT miss this appointment, its super critical. See, so, the other thing is, my jaw has decided its reached the point where it just doesn’t want to close at all anymore, so I’ve gone from only eating once a day to only eating no times a day, and since I’ve already lost an absurd amount of weight and muscle mass over the last two years because of all this shit, they’ve put me on a regimen of regular IV intakes or whatever that’s called, just to like....get the nutrients I need into me somehow, y’know?  

And especially with the surgery coming up on Tuesday, and my immune system all shot to hell and my various other Vitally Important By-Products of Eating Food levels are low enough to have my doctor using mostly just four letter words when reviewing my latest labs, they’re literally trying to pump me full of as much of the various Nutrients And Other Stuff IVs as they safely can between now and then. And as much as I’ve been pretty much going 24/7 trying to stay afloat with all of this, I just...did NOT budget for needing to be hooked up to an IV every other day because my fucking jaw picked now to level up on being an asshole and like, physically will not cooperate with my attempts to survive on cheap $5 a day meals. 

So instead this week its been $50 co-pays every other day, because apparently when your body for whatever reason literally can’t take in the cheap 7-11 snacks and Happy Meals you usually live off of because That’s How Being Poor Works, it makes total sense that the one and only alternative for keeping your body fueled is to go to this little clinic place that hooks you up like you’re at a gas station, except you’re some kinda pretentious European model that won’t accept any less than the top dollar diesel, because I guess even Bags of Nutrient Water gotta somehow manage to be name brand shit, because yay capitalism. Everything about it is just so efficient and logical and works so well, especially if you’re part of the 99%.

Anyway I’m TRULY sorry I’m all over the place with this, I haven’t taken my ADHD meds because swallowing is the Devil’s Work right now, and also I haven’t had my daily Bag of Nutrient Water yet so my brain is like no I will not be cooperating. To sum up, once I get to next week I’m all set, everything’s in place for the surgery, insurance, I have a place to recuperate, I even already have my bus ticket for Monday purchased, my specific monetary issue right now is I am literally down to my last $3, I am currently physically unable to chew my way through a full meal, so I’m literally just paying co-pays of $50 every other day to spend 45 minutes sitting in a chair while my body sucks life-sustaining nutrient water through a needle. 

That might actually be the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever said or heard said and yet its factually 100% true. Our world is so fucking bonkers, jfc.

Literally ANY help getting me to today’s appointment, would be amazing, and then I have one scheduled for Monday morning before I leave, if I can find a way to make that too. And tbh I don’t actually know if one is even an option for tomorrow yet because the clinic I’ve been going to so far isn’t open tomorrow and I’ve yet to hear back if my doctor found somewhere else to send me that I can actually get to. So who the fuck even knows.

So yeah, sorry for making you ping-pong your way through that mess, this is my brain on Empty, like I said, I haven’t had my Bag of Water yet today. But any help is appreciated, whether reblogs, donations or good-thought-tweets for me on Tuesday. I’m a big fan of any of the above. Even $2 or $5 gets me closer to what I need, and if you can’t spare anything or have already sent or are sending what you can spare to another donation post, I totally and completely understand. And again, even just....good thoughts for Tuesday would be awesome, and certainly can’t hurt. I’m not like, worried about the surgery or whatever, its pretty simple, its more just....extensive. And my only real hope or want for it is just keeping the Ow factor as limited as it can possibly be. Whether that’s from the doctors coming through with a good strong hit of the goofy juice or some higher power telling all my nerve endings to take a sick day or just sit this one out, I am so open to either or anything in between or even coming out of left field.

And now I’m done. Thank you. You’re all rockstars, or insert your genre of choice. In conclusion, capitalism sucks, eat the rich, and buy a  bi a bag of water today please. I’m pretty sure there’s a T-shirt slogan in there somewhere, but fuck if I can pin it down.If anyone else does, hey, go nuts with it. I’m literally a bi guy who needs to buy bags of nutrient water every other day right now. That’s so fucking dumb, someone’s gotta be able to milk some mileage out of it.

My Paypal:

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

Or if that link doesn’t work, try this one instead:

https://www.paypal.com/paypalme2/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

My Ko-fi page: https://ko-fi.com/kalenp

[anzu2snow]

Went to my oncology appointment. We talked about Palliative Care. I don’t think I talked to her about how they dropped me. She said it was important to stay in the program, at the very least for pain management. She was surprised. I told her that they told me that I was independent enough and that I ‘graduated’. Someone I saw later said the only way to graduate from it was to go into hospice or die basically. My oncologist is going to put in a referral for it. I was so upset when they dropped me that I wasn’t sure I’d want to go into it again. She said people with my type of cancer need it. It’s unpredictable and pain management is important.

I brought up my back and pelvic pain I sometimes get in the middle of the night or early morning. Makes it really hard to sleep. She agreed that taking another pill of oxycodone before bed would help. I’m not sure if that will make me pass out or sleep through the pain instead. That’s better at least. If I continue to have that pain, I should bring it up with whoever will handle my meds through Palliative Care.

Adding more opioids will probably make my constipation worse. It’s been bad since my scans. We talked about that and she said I can try to have more Miralax than I have been doing. Plus, I don’t get enough fiber in my diet, so she said I should find a fiber supplement. I got fiber gummies afterwards. Hopefully, they’ll help.

I brought up the bone scan and asked about the abnormal uptake in some bones. She said it said it was similar to last time. This meant that I’m stable. Yay! No progression. So, we’ll continue with Ibrance and anastrozole for it.

After my appointment, I got my 2nd injection of xgeva. This is supposed to strengthen my bones. Most people with bone mets need something like this. I hate that it’s a lot of fluid that goes into my arm. It stings a lot as it goes in, too. I didn’t have any bad reactions last time, so it’s unlikely I will this time. I have to get it once every 3 months. The person that did it said she’s another person on my side for Palliative Care. If I need her along with my oncologist, she’s there for me. That was nice.

After that, we went grocery shopping and then had dinner at Elmer’s. I was tired by then. I had their light version of the roasted turkey dinner, and a chocolate sundae for dessert. I needed comfort food after that, and it was good.

[thebrainexperiment]

I’m making this cos I need to keep track of The Brain Situation and because the Venlafaxine withdrawals are HERE.

Switched from Venlafaxine to Escitalopram over the weekend (with prior instructed 4-day lowering of dose from 150 to 75mg) and it all started happening.

Nausea, dizziness, shaking, sweating, breathlessness, stomach upsets and ‘palpitations’, which include sudden vertigo, nausea, jolts throughout the body and weird visual disturbances.

All started on day 1 of the switch, and has been getting worse since. I assumed it was the Escitalopram. Talked to consultant psych, who was surprised this was happening, and was told to stop the Escitalopram. I did. Symptoms got worse.

Literally went to A&E last night because I thought something had gone very wrong with my heart. It’s just been constant juddering/pulsing/throbbing sensations in my chest, spreading all over my body and accompanied by tingling in my hands, breathlessness and extreme dizziness. Really didn’t know what to think, especially because the effects weren’t easing and actually seemed to be worsening. I spent a good hour crawling around the house when I had to move at all and haven’t been able to stand up straight for 3 days. I look like I’ve been on a bender at midday.

The doctors were amazing and I’m lucky to be in a part of the country that hasn’t been hit hard by Corona, so I could be seen quickly and hopefully didn’t take up too much of the doctors’ time. ECG fine (yay!). Clear link to meds, so it didn’t look like anything urgent. Great!

Symptoms still getting worse, though.

Looked up withdrawal symptoms for Venlafaxine and...oh, there it is. The ‘palpitations’ are what’re sometimes called ‘zaps’ and, while they’re normally only present in the head, it can occur throughout the body. Symptoms also seem to worsen throughout the first week.

And can last for 3 weeks. Or more.

Thing is, some amount of crawling around the house/being dizzy/shaky/nauseous is standard for me. I have a lot of issues with chronic fatigue and have Fibromyalgia with it (I was diagnosed with CFS and Fibro by my GP, but I’m a little uncertain about the first: I’ve been severely depressed and on various meds for a while, so it’s not very clear-cut). I expected side effects from the med switch-over. But this is bad.

I don’t know that I can handle weeks of this. I have animals to look after, some of whom need specialist care, and just standing up to feed them has me doubled-over and shaking, and likely to end up on the floor within a couple of minutes.

Right now, I’m lying in bed, getting up to go to the bathroom every few minutes, shaking, hot and really hoping vomiting won’t be next, and the zaps just keep coming. It feels like my vision is shaking or rippling at the edges. I wonder if typing is actually making that worse. Hm.

I’m also not on any antidepressants, at the moment - just ADHD meds. I’ve been on meds of some form for 7-8 years, now, and have had major relapses even when doses have been lowered, so this makes me nervous.

Also went from emotionally neutral to suddenly crying earlier, so that’s another nugget of fun I might be looking forward to.

I don’t know what this will mean for me meds-wise. I don’t want to go back onto Venlafaxine; it didn’t do much to help beyond lifting my mood and every night was Night-Sweat-and-Tremors Night. I clearly needed more time to taper off the drug before stopping and switching, too, but here we are.

At least it’s quite funny between the bad bits - especially when you’re having a casual chat that ends up with you crab-waddling or wriggling on the ground from one sentence to the next.

[hazard-and-friends]

Week 11

Jo and Penny moved in on Friday!

Training: meh. I do bits and pieces here and there but work sucks, and when I’m home I’m trying to catch up on everything else.

He still loves his meds and will crate for them instantly! However, if he’s being required to stay in the crate, that can lead to protesting.

Especially at night, now that there’s A Cat In The House. We’ve gone back to ~5 minutes of deeply upset howling and then he passes out. Then he wakes up, whines, and passes out again. Yay. But! Each night this is reducing so hopefully we’ll be back to normal soon enough.

Separation anxiety: Has been doing so well when I leave for work or exercise that I tried leaving him out when I went to move laundry today. The only reason Jo had to crate him was he tried to use the bell to get out to follow :)

Meals: Depending on my own energy levels, either a) mixed with bone broth, b) in the snuffle mat, or c) in empty kongs to roll around on the floor. He also has a kong genius now which is much harder and requires much more mental work, so obviously he loves it.

Cat: Penny is firmly ensconced on top of the cabinets. Hazard’s getting a through desensitization to cat noises, cat movements, and humans interacting with cat, all at a safe distance, which is all very good. But when she comes down at night, and he’s in his crate, he often loses his entire mind and it’s just a matter of waiting it out (I am not capable of DD/CS at 3 am...) Soooo 2 steps forward 1 step back, as with everything.

[nancythedrew]

I don’t think I’ve gone through and analyzed/mocked the features of MID that HeR is promoting on their website yet. Idk when these even went up but I’m feeling snarky and got some free time so here we go bbies:

“Analyze clues with a new inventory system and examinable 3D objects” -- Was there something wrong with the old inventory system?? Like once we got past that horrible scrolling one that only showed 4 items at a time I felt like we kind of mastered the inventory concept. And haven’t we always been able to examine 3D objects?

“Learn and uncover the truth about the historical Salem Witch Trials” -- Is HeR insinuating that they, a company that has been unable to release a new product in 3+ years, is going to reveal to us some new history about the Salem Witch Trials that we as a society have not learned in the hundreds of years since the Salem Witch Trials happened

“Explore true and expansive 3D environments” -- As if to imply that the other environments we’ve encountered were not true? They were lies? Ok I get maybe they’re saying “true 3D” but again...unless they having us pull out those red-blue 3D glasses from 2003 I’m pretty sure the past environments we’ve encountered have been as 3D as they can get

“Discover and solve the plight of the accused witches” -- Is a plight something that you “solve”? Isn’t it just kind of...a thing that is or isn’t. We could learn about it I guess. But it kind of feels like whoever wrote this is just throwing out arbitrary verbs, like when I try to fix my resume so I’m not putting “Assisted” under every single bulletpoint of what I did in my past jobs

“Take a tour of Salem and discern fact from fiction” -- Are these two things even related? Like I’m really hoping no one’s lying to us during a tour of present day Salem. Like if a tour guide says “this is city hall” I better not have to start discerning if that is fact or not

“Meet and interact with all 11 characters” -- Incredible. In the past I have been so disappointed with how we’ve met characters and yet to interact with them. But are you telling me, that in this true 3D environment I will be able to ~*INTERACT*~ with them too?

I cannot wait to interact with characters with such rich and meaningful backstories as these characters must have:

“Solve puzzles embedded into the story” -- I was gonna just be like “yay puzzles” but actually if they’re promising the puzzles to be “embedded” into the plot we better get some better backstory than ancient Maori tribes carving shit into rocks to figure out where aliens are(I think that was the “plot” of MED??)

“Enjoy thrilling in-game cutscenes” -- Well consider me ready to be thrilled then.

“Cook New England favorite dishes like Johnny Cakes” -- Johnny Cakes sounds like a euphemism for boobs.

“Explore an ancient cemetery and historic estate” -- Nice, can’t complain.

“Investigate with updated and modernized controls” -- Can’t I just use my mouse and/or trackpad when I forget to charge my wireless mouse? Why we gotta fix what’s not broken

“Mix potions and learn about ancient remedies” -- The kids and their moms on the HeR forums are gonna hate this. Unless the ancient remedies are like tea tree oil and apple cider vinegar. I feel like the people who complain about witchcraft on the HeR forums are pseudoscience anti-vaxxers too. Or at least there’s some venn diagram overlap between those groups

“Team up with the Hardy Boys” -- I cannot believe that with how poorly managed HeR is that they’ve remembered to renew their license to use the Hardy Boys? 

“Solve multiple crimes including arson” -- Yeah this definitely sounds like they only have a plotline written out for arson and have no idea how they’re gonna work in other crimes but hopefully they’ll figure it out by the time the game releases(which is yet another reason the release keeps getting pushed back)