#so i could totally believe joe stepping in

[cementcornfield]

https://www.tumblr.com/glitter-vamp/738356449551548416/httpswwwtiktokcomtzt8cxmnsb-not-jamarr

Looks like Joe is about to fight someone and Ja’Marr is probably like bro you have cast on

oh my god anon that's exactly what it looks like. i love it.

[munsons-hellfire]

Fall Into Me | Joseph Quinn

SUMMARY: After a tragic car accident that made you relearn how to walk again, you meet Joe and learn that you can have someone to count on, that you can have someone to fall into when you need to be grounded. You just didn’t realize how much you would rely on Joe until you got that call that changed your life forever.

PAIRINGS: Joseph Quinn x Reader

CONTENT WARNING: NSFW, 18+MDNI (you will be blocked), RPF, Fluff, Angst, mentions of depression, a car accident (very detailed, could be consider very graphic), talks of past trauma, talks of rehab/physical therapy, no smut, no mentions of y/n, she/her pronouns, mentions of death, mentions of pregnancy.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: So originally I had the lyrics to the song above wirtten in this one shot but I decided to take them out. I also had to rewrite this three times because I kept changing my mind on how the plot shot go anyway I hope you like this and feel free to request something for Joe if you'd like more imagines.

WORD COUNT: 7.0K Words

You had a hard time forgetting things that you didn’t want to remember. For instance, when you and your sister had been in a car accident you wanted nothing more than to forget the painful memories of what had happened that fateful night. You were driving, your sister sat in the passenger seat. The two of you were heading home from the movies, at that point in time everything was as it should be. You had great parents, and your best friend was your older sister.

But it came crashing down when your car went over the side of the road. The car was totaled, no saving it. Your sister had escaped with minor injuries, just like the other driver. But you, you had not been so lucky. Neither of you were supposed to be out to begin with but you thought that if you and your sister went to see a movie maybe you could convince her that what she was assuming about you and her boyfriend hadn’t been the truth.

You should’ve known that your sister wouldn’t believe you, no matter how much you tried to bribe her, and tell her that you hadn’t slept with her boyfriend. Juni didn’t believe you, and as it turned out your parents seemed to take her sister. So when the car accident happened, Juni had another reason to hate you and wanted nothing to do with you and of course your parents followed Juni’s steps.

For the duration of the next few months you learned how to walk again, while you didn’t have your parents or sister by your side anymore you had Everly and August there every step of the way. Even Everly’s parents were cheering you on from the sidelines. It helped to a certain extent, but for the most part you felt like a burden to them, felt like you weren’t enough and after the words that Juni had uttered to your face you believed it.

But when he came into your life, it was like time stood still. Everything you had been searching for, everything you needed came from the man that your best friend had been obsessed with. Though her obsession was more along the lines of how good of an actor he was and how he’d done an excellent job bringing this character to life. You remembered it like it was yesterday, meeting the love of your life.

He was now your husband and a father to your beautiful son with a baby girl on the way. You met Joe at a comic con that you honestly didn’t want to go to. Not because you didn’t like meeting celebrities, but because this con was in your hometown and you dreaded going back to the place where your parents and sister remained. After getting through physical therapy to fix what had gone wrong in the car accident, you had left.

You moved out of the states and moved to Manchester. You had been living there for 6 years because running from the fallout of your family was a far better choice than dealing with it. Your sister was still convinced that you’d slept with her boyfriend, and she now hated you even more because you had become distracted. She believed that you were the cause of the car accident, that you were the cause for her “minor injuries”.

You don’t think you could ever forgive your sister for treating you the way that she had after the car accident. And you couldn’t forgive your dad and mom for abandoning you when you had needed them the most. You truly felt betrayed by the three of them and could no longer tolerate being in the same state as them. So when Everly called you and asked you to come back to America to go to a comic con because August (her girlfriend) couldn’t get out of work, you hesitantly agreed.

Everly was set to meet a few of the cast members from Stranger Things, this included one of the few new actors of the show. You were a fan of the show but hadn’t had time to catch up on it considering you were on a time crunch to get the second book in your fantasy series complete and turned in. You told your team that you would finish it before you left and turned it in for the revision, then you would fix whatever might need to be fixed on the manuscript.

They agreed and you were on your way back to your hometown to meet Joseph Quinn with Everly. While you didn’t like the idea of heading back home you thought it would also be good for you to get out so your ex could remove his things from your apartment (well shared apartment), but he had allowed you to keep it even going as far as getting his name removed from the lease. He was moving in with his new girlfriend, they had met at work and while he insisted nothing happened between them until the two of you broke up, you had your doubts.

Both Everly and August felt the same way, agreeing that he might have been lying and had been cheating on you. Then you somehow wound up in the mindset that this was your karma for what had happened between you and your sister (even though it was still false). After your phone call with Everly was over you had bought your plane ticket and began packing up. While you were there you’d be staying with Everly and August.

Whenever Everly wanted to see you, she and August would fly over to see you. But now here you are flying back to them for the first time in 6 years. When it was finally time, you two were with each other and heading to the con. You stayed by her side the entire day, both of you finally able to catch up in person after a few months of not seeing each other. Though sometimes you’d both be interrupted, as it turned out your first fantasy book was very popular in your home state which meant that a lot of people were trying to get pictures with you.

This was still all new to you, being this popular of a writer and being this recognized. Everly had to tell them that you were here for a fun day and not here to take pictures or sign anything. Eventually they left you two alone to enjoy the rest of your day at the con. While the two of you waited in line to meet and get an autograph with Joseph Quinn your mind was preoccupied with thoughts of how you could start the next book in your series now that book 2 was completed (for the most part).

When you had first found your agent and told them about the ideas you had for the romance fantasy series they were completely on board with it and supported your every decision. You were so proud of what you had done with the series so far and hoped that everyone would love the second book. Everly was talking your ear off and you would release a yeah to let her know you were listening but your mind just kept flying back to your book. She finally took notice of the way you posed yourself while the two of you waited in the line.

“Okay, what’s on your mind? Because it feels like you’re not actually here.” Everly said, pulling you deep from your thoughts.

You narrowed your eyes on your best friend, she really did know when something was bothering you or on your mind and you honestly hated it. You hated how easily she could read you. “I finished my second book before I flew over here. Now I’m just thinking about where to take the third book. I have some ideas but they don’t seem to fit right for this one.” You explained, keeping your eyes on Everly.

Everly couldn’t help but smile at you. “I have faith that you’ll get it figured out and it’ll be just as good as the first two if not better.” The optimism was evident in her voice.

“The second book hasn’t even come out yet, Eve.”

“I know. But I also know that it’s going to be an amazing book.” There was a smile that graced your lips, you hadn’t quite made it over to Joe’s table but he could see it form in the distance and it brightened his day up a little more.

“Yeah, you think so?” Even though you had been officially published for 2 years it still didn’t quite feel real. You had a hard time accepting the fact that people actually liked your book, and that they were excited for the next book to come out in 3 months.

“Ugh yeah, I know so!”

“What would I do without you as my best friend?” It was a running joke between the two of you but it never got old no matter how many times it had been said or used between the both of you.

“Pfft, I don’t know, maybe lose your mind.”

You playfully rolled your eyes, and soon enough the two of you were falling into a comfortable silence as you waited. As the two of you got closer to Joseph Quinn’s booth the quicker Everly got more excited to meet the actor. While she was having a momentary freak out before meeting him, you were having a momentary freak out about all the possible outcomes of running into your parents or your sister. This is the last thing you wanted to deal with. But then you got onto that path of what if they were here.

“You okay?” Everly questioned, seeing the change in look on your face switch from happiness to fear in the matter of seconds.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking is all.” You were honestly being cryptic when you said that, you didn’t want her to know what you were actually thinking about.

“Are you going to see your parents and sister while you’re down here?” But clearly even being cryptic was enough for Everly to pick up on the fact that you were thinking about them when you didn’t want to be.

“Nope.” You popped the ‘P’ as you answered the first of her many interrogation questions.

“Why not? You can’t be mad at them forever.”

“Uh yes I can and I will.”

“Look, did you actually sleep with your sister’s boyfriend?” Everly asked, sometimes you believed that Everly believed your sister more than she believed you.

“Who’s side are you even on, Eve?”

“I’m on yours, but come on, if you didn’t sleep with your sister’s boyfriend then why can’t you be the bigger person and just forgive them. I’m sure they miss you.”

This prompted a dry laugh to fall from the back of your throat. “Right, they miss me so much that they’ve made an effort to call me and ask me to come see them. Instead of having my back they believe that I of all people would sleep with my sister’s ugly and toxic ass boyfriend whom she still happens to be with. I don’t think there’s a chance to salvage the relationship even if I want to. She didn’t want to believe me and my parents, they just stood there and watched it all crumble. Not to mention that none of them were by my side and I had to relearn how to walk again. I can’t go back there, I can’t.”

Everly could see the pain in your eyes, even though Joe didn’t mean to look he could see the way your eyes look. Suddenly he had this need to protect you from whatever horrors surrounded you. Everly could see how much it killed you to not have parents to talk to, to not have a relationship with your sister anymore.

But Everly wasn’t going to back down from getting you to see them. Everly’s parents kept in touch with your parents and from what they had told Everly, your mother wasn’t doing so well. Your best friend didn’t want you to miss out on not having a relationship with your family before it was too late. If only you knew what chaos would be coming your way.

“Just see them one time, please. It can be your dad, your mom, or even your sister. You don’t have to see them all together at the same time.”

“Can I think about it?” You eyed her hoping that she would just drop it, but you knew Everly this topic was something she would never drop. You saw the way that she wanted you to have a relationship with your family.

“When are you leaving?”

“Few days.”

“Great, we’ll go see your mom tomorrow.”

“Fine.” You released a grunt knowing that you wouldn’t be able to get past how pushy your best friend was. She smiled triumphantly while you looked like you had just lost the world cup. “You and August should move to Manchester.”

Shock replaced that smile on her face as she stared at you. “I couldn’t do that, we couldn’t do that. We have a life here, my parents are here.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I just thought it would be a cool idea. To be able to see you and August every day rather than once a year or something like that.”

Everly thought about your statement for a moment, she clicked her tongue. “Tell you what, I’ll talk to August about it tonight when we get home. Because believe me I would love nothing more than to be closer to my best friend. And honestly I think August and I could use a change of scenery. And maybe get a break from her parents.

“They still giving you two issues?” You asked.

“Her mother has been more open to the idea of us but her dad is still against us and trying everything in his power to get her to come home and go to church with them. I know she wants her parents in her life but she can’t put herself through that pain anymore. We’ve been talking about it for a while now so maybe she’ll be open to the idea of moving.”

“Maybe a chance will be good. But I don’t want you two to force yourselves to move to Manchester.

Everly gave a small nod of her head. “I know, but if we move over there it isn’t going to be because you forced it or we forced it, it'll be because we wanted it.”

You released a sigh and smiled at Everly as she smiled back at you. Your eyes eventually wandered around the building, sometimes falling onto Joseph Quinn. He would even return your gaze.

“I think Augie and I could use a change of scenery, I really do.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, but I will still talk to Augie about it and see what’s on her mind.”

“Okay, great. Just let me know what you both decide on.”

“I will.”

The two of you stopped talking just as you both came up to Joseph’s table. He sent a bright warm smile towards the both of you. However for the most part his warm brown eyes seemed to drift back to you, while Everly whispered her name to him so he could sign the post she had. Somehow your parents and sister made their way back into your mind. You were honestly worried that they would find out that you were back home.

You weren’t even picking up on the fact that Joseph had been staring at you. It wasn’t until Everly nudged her elbow into your side that you took notice of his eyes on you. You felt your face heating up and you tried to look away but you kept wanting to look back at him.You wanted to spend your days just staring into his eyes.

“I’m sorry, what happened?” You asked, the confusion evident on your face. He looked back at Everly who was staring at you then at him.

“Sorry, she zones out sometimes.” Everly mentioned.

He smiled at you, “do you want anything sighed, love?” His voice was so sweet and music to your ears that you really wanted to hear his voice forever.

“Oh, I’m only here for moral support since her girlfriend couldn’t be here.” You muttered looking anywhere but the man that sat in front of you. He started talking to you, but you felt too panicked to hear or say anything else. “Actually, I’m gonna head to the bathroom and then I’ll meet you outside when you’re finished. Take your time, Eve.”

Before she had a chance to reply to you, you had already left the area and were headed towards the bathroom. Everly turned back towards the actor as he stared at her.

“Sorry about her. She’s not really a fan of being back here. Honestly, I think she’s ready to head back to Manchester. Being home just brings back some bad memories. Anyway, thanks for this.”

He gave a nod of his head and watched Everly exit out of the line. After going to the bathroom you pushed through the front doors and walked over to the side of the building, and sat down at the tables. Pulling out your phone you unlocked it and went to your gallery, pulling up some old photos with your sister and your parents.

Maybe Everly was right, maybe you should be the bigger person and apologize for everything that happened. But you still felt that you shouldn’t be the one to apologize, that it should be your sister and your parents as you had done nothing wrong. As of right now Everly’s family was the only family you had but even then you still felt like a burden to them.

“Mind if I join you?” A voice questioned from behind you. You were startled, placing a hand over your chest. When you looked behind you, there stood Joseph Quinn, a cigarette between his fingers and his security guard not far from the two of you but still far enough that he probably couldn’t hear the conversation.

“Sure, why not.” You turned back towards the phone and continued to wipe through the pictures.

“Is that your family?” He asked.

You looked at him from the corner of your eyes before you gave him a confirming nod of your head. “Yeah, that’s my parents and my sister.” You paused then proceeded to tell him your name.

“You already know mine, but please call me Joe.” The two of you shook hands, and you couldn’t help the smile that washed over your face. That was the first time you and Joe had met and you remembered it like it was yesterday.

───── ❝ ◂ ❚ ⊱ꕥ⊰ ❚ ▸ ❞ ─────

The world seemed to burn brighter when you and Joe started talking more outside the con that you met at. He made you feel something you didn’t think you could possibly ever feel. You hadn’t felt this loved in a long time, not since the events that transpired with your family. Today happened to be a somewhat difficult day for you. Everly and August had come over today and had taken notice of the way you had been acting.

It was your birthday and it had always been a struggle every year to never be able to talk to your parents or your sister when you turned another year older. Even though you had gone to see your mom like you had told Everly you would, there seemed to be no change in the way she acted towards you. Everly had texted Joe to let him know that you weren’t exactly in the greatest mood today.

You had spent most of the day in your office planning out your next book in the series. Your second book had been published and was doing amazing. Fans were expecting the next book in the series and honestly you were excited to get back into the process of writing. There was a knock on your door but you were too in the zone to even acknowledge the knock.

Joe had his hand on the door knob as he slowly opened the door. He knew it was your birthday but he had been warned by you, Everly, and August that you didn’t like to celebrate it anymore.

“Love?” He called out, you heard him and gave a soft “hmm” as you continued to type the words down on your laptop. He opened the door a little more and walked in. After closing the door to give you both the privacy that you knew you’d need, you finished typing the last sentence then looked up at your boyfriend. “How are you feelin’?”

“I’m fine, baby.” Joe could hear the irritation in your voice, but it dropped when you said “baby”. His brown eyes were soft as he walked over to you and sat on the edge of your desk. Joe grasped a hold of your hands pulling them away from your laptop and holding them in his.

“You don’t sound fine, my love.” You hated how well he knew more about your emotions than you did sometimes. “What’s been going on in that head of yours?”

You exhaled and dropped your head resting it on his thigh. He released one of your hands and with his now free hand it fell into your hair and rested on top of your head. “My dad called, he left a voicemail but I haven’t listened to it.” You hesitated before saying the next set of words. “I’m scared.”

Joe understood that you had an estranged relationship with your parents and sister, he knew everything about what had happened. You had told him how you often felt that you should just go back and apologize even though you didn’t do anything. You still carried that with you even now, all these years later. It was part of the reason why he hadn’t pushed you into meeting his parents and the rest of his family.

He knew it was a big step for you and you’d do it when you were ready. They were already so excited to meet you in person but they understood that you weren’t ready. You had talked to them a few times over the phone when Joe was having a conversation but other than that nothing further has happened. You didn’t think you’d be ready to meet them in person until you fixed what happened between you and your family. Joe gently moved his hand through your hair, his touch comforting you in your time of need.

“Do you want to listen to it while I’m here with you?”

He kept his gaze soft as you lifted your head to stare back at home with slightly glazed eyes. Any moment you felt like you would start crying, those glazed eyes would turn into actual tears that would stain your face. But you need to be strong for yourself. Everly and August sat in the living room waiting and hoping that Joe would be able to get through to you. Your boyfriend pulled you over to the couch and you sat down next to each other.

You were staring down at it, not moving to unlock it. “Take all the time you need. You don’t need to rush it.” You don’t know what you did to deserve Joe, you really didn’t. You knew deep down that you weren’t meant to be with him forever but you were so thankful he had come into your life when he did.

“I don’t wanna do this alone anymore.” You whispered softly as the tears started to trickle down your cheeks, eventually coming to the edge of your chin. Some fell down your neck, while a few managed to fall onto your pants. You looked away from Joe, not able to stare at him, afraid that he would get up and walk out of this room out of the apartment and out of your life for good.

“Hey, look at me, darlin’.” Joe’s voice was calm all things considered. You slowly turned back to look at him. His face was soft, nothing about his posture indicated that he was going to leave you but you still didn’t want to believe it.

“You don’t have to do this alone anymore. I am here, and I don’t plan on leaving you behind.” He stopped himself, he wanted to say those three words that you two had been dancing around for the last few months. But he wasn’t sure if it was the right time for it.

“Just tell her already for crying out loud!” Everly shouted out.

You looked at him in confusion as you wiped the tears away from your face. “Tell me what?” You asked.

Joe hesitated for a few seconds, “I-I love you. I’ve loved you from the very moment I saw you at the con with Everly. And I don’t plan to stop loving you.” Joe leaned towards you, his nose grazing yours.

“I love you too.” You smiled softly at him. You and Joe laughed when you heard Everly and August scream in joy at the words that had now fallen from both your lips.

“It’s about damn time!” Everly shouted.

“Leave them be, Eve.” August’s voice was almost a whisper as she talked to her girlfriend but you and Joe could still hear her.

You looked down at your unlocked phone, then looked back at Joe. “I’m ready.” Joe nodded his head, you pulled up the voicemail, then you hit play on the most recent message that was from your dad.

“Hi, sweets, I know it's uh… been a while since we talked to you and before I get to the main reason I’m calling you, I need you to know that we are so sorry. We should’ve been there to help you recover and that wasn’t fair to you.” There was a pause on your father’s end and you could hear someone else talking to him, it could either be your mom or your sister. “I didn’t want to tell you this especially on your birthday, I need you to come home for a few days, maybe longer. You can bring anyone you want but it’s not under the best circumstances. So please call me when you get this. I love you so much, and happy birthday, angel.” The voicemail stopped, but you were aching to know what he was talking about.

You quickly moved your fingers around to call your dad back. “I’m going to call him back, I mean that’s the right way to go, right?” You looked at Joe, your voice hesitant as you asked the question.

“You do what you think you need to do, love. But I think you already know what you want to do.”

Your finger hung over your dad’s contact name. You were hesitating to say the least but you knew it was something you had to do, Joe was right about that. You closed your eyes for a brief moment going over all the possible outcomes of what your father could possibly want to tell you. Did something happen to him, was he okay? Did something happen to your sister, or your mother? Or someone else on your side of the family. The list was endless. You finally pressed the call button and placed it on speaker so Joe could listen in as well. After the first line rang your father’s voice crashed to your ears.

“Hi, dad.” Your voice was quiet, and panic was running through it. This was the first contact you had with him in a few years.

“Sweets, thank god you called back. I need you to come home, okay?” You could hear the sadness in his voice, which truly meant that something had happened.

“Why? What’s happened?”

“It’s your mom. She uh… passed away last night.” Your father started to break down. The phone fell from your hand and Joe was quick to catch it. He set it on the table, then he turned back towards you and pulled you into his embrace as a sob ripped through your throat. Everly and August were now standing at the door, eyes on you as you and your father both cried.

“How did it happen?” Everly asked for you, knowing very well that would be your next question.

“It was a car accident.” A new voice ran through your ears, it was your sister. No shock she was there with your dad being the strong one. Or at least trying to be. Joe held onto you tighter, his chin resting on top of your head as you rested your head on his chest and cried into it.

“I’ll be home on the next flight.” You spoke through tears.

───── ❝ ◂ ❚ ⊱ꕥ⊰ ❚ ▸ ❞ ─────

He was there for you every moment, never once leaving your side while you grieved the loss of your mother with your father and sister. It was a beautiful day on the day of your mothers funeral, laying her to rest on a day such as this made it hurt slightly less. The entire time the pastor had been talking you were stuck in your head thinking about all the times you had ignored phone calls from your mother. If you had just picked up and said hello maybe you could’ve had a better relationship with her, now you know you’ll never get the chance to build one with her again.

You hadn’t talked much since you, Joe, Everly, and August arrived back home. This had been the first time Joe had been here that wasn’t for a con and it was so different being here under these circumstances. Everly was worried to high heaven about you and August was worrying about her worrying about you. The two knew how you could get when you felt like you were drowning in the water.

Your head rested on Joe’s shoulder as tears fell down your face. Everly was holding onto your free hand, it was a tight grip one that allowed you to stay grounded. But Joe was really holding you there. He had been there to be a shoulder to cry on since you had found out about the news of your mother, you realized in this moment, this exact moment that he could be the person you could fall into when something was going on and you didn’t want to let that go.

You looked around at the people that were there, that knew your mother. But your eyes landed on your sister. You wanted to say she was glaring at you, but she wasn’t. She was looking at you with a look of sympathy on her face and a smudge of regret. But it disappeared when she noticed you staring at her. You pulled your eyes away from her and looked back towards the casket.

“I’m gonna go talk to my sister after this.” You whispered, but loud enough for Everly and Joe to hear you. The two exchanged a look with each other before their eyes fell onto you.

“Are you sure? Do you want one of us to come with you?” Everly asked.

“Yes, I’m sure. And no, I need to talk to her alone. It’d be better that way anyway.”

Joe placed a kiss on your hair, “whatever you need to do, love, we’ll be here waiting for you.” His sweet words made your heart thump loudly in your chest. You still weren’t sure how you’d gotten lucky with him, but you were so happy to have him in your life, happier than you had been in a long time.

As your mother’s casket started to go down in her grave everyone started to disperse, they would be heading back to your parents house for a little get together. Something your mother always loved doing. She had always loved having people in her home, she wanted everyone who stepped foot in her house to feel loved. Though it felt differently when she had blindsided you by taking your sister’s side.

You separated yourself from Joe, Everly, and August and walked over to your sister. Her boyfriend, the one you had been accused of sleeping with was standing next to her. Your father was talking to one of your mother’s brother and sister. You walked past the three of them coming to a stop in front of your sister and her boyfriend.

“Hi, Juni.” You said, remaining calm even though you wanted to scream at her for what she had done.

“Please, don’t call me that.” Juniper said, glaring daggers at you.

“Right, sorry.” You winced after the word left your lips.

“Can you give a few minutes to talk alone, please?” Juniper questioned her boyfriend. He looked between the two of you and gave a nod of his head. He placed a kiss on Mallory’s hair and walked away from them joining your father, Uncle and Aunt.

“How are you doing, Juniper?” Joe watched from afar, your hands behind your back as you tried to stay calm.

“I’m okay, what about you?”

“Yeah, I’m doing as good as I could be. Did you get to say goodbye to mom?”

“No I didn’t, we had an argument before she left.” You didn’t like where this was going, not one bit. “Mom, she knew that you knew she was dying but for some reason she wanted to spend whatever time left she had with you because she missed you. And I told her that she didn’t need to go. It’s your fault mom is dead, just like that car accident was your fault.”

You shook your head, the tears falling down your face again. “No, what happened to mom wasn’t my fault. And that car accident wasn’t mine, you were the one driving, not me, I just wanted to get you away from everyone so I could convince you that I didn’t sleep with your boyfriend. If we hadn’t even gone out that night…”

“What? You would’ve slept with my boyfriend some more?” Joe stepped forward ready to run to you but Everly and August both grabbed a hold of his arm stopping him before he could go.

“I didn’t sleep with him, Juniper. He’s a fucking pig for crying out loud and the fact that you’re still with him, well that’s on you. Not me, as for the car accident, you can blame me all you want but you weren’t the one who had to stay in the car and wait for rescue to get you out, you weren’t the one who had to spend months learning how to walk again. You weren’t the one who didn’t have her family in her corner because her sister somehow convinced their mother and father that I was the slut.”

Everyone was staring at you now, but you didn’t care you needed this to come out. You needed to move on and you felt this was the only way you could possibly do so.

“I-I’m sorry.” Your sister whispered looking down at the ground.

You scoffed. “If you were sorry, you would’ve told mom and dad the truth, you would’ve told them that your best friend was the one who slept with your boyfriend, not me. And the fact that you knew but chose to put the blame on me then refused to fix it when I was trying everything. Yeah some sister you are. And you have no right to blame me for mom’s accident, it’s not my fault that she wanted to come see me.” You turned away and started to walk away from your sister. She had tears in her eyes as she followed after you.

“Please, don’t do this.”

“Don’t do what? You hurt me, in more ways than one. You did, me walking away is something you could’ve avoided if you just fucking listened to me. If you had just let me explain myself better to mom and dad. You didn’t even give me a chance Juni. I was just left as bait for the sharks.” You went to turn away but then you stopped in your tracks and turned back towards your sister. “I don’t ever want you to contact me again.”

You held yourself up high, your dad was begging you to not do this but you had to. When you made it to Joe you collapsed into his arms. He caught you and turned around with you walking back towards the car.

“Let’s get you home love.” You nodded your head, Everly and August followed right behind you. After that day you never saw your sister, your father had contacted you a few days later to apologize and you told him that when you were ready you’d talk to your sister.

When you and Joe got married you had called your sister and she had apologized to you for everything that had happened. You discovered that after you had left the funeral she had broken up with her boyfriend and told dad what had actually happened. You accepted her apology but told her that she would have to earn her trust again. But you wanted her at your wedding so for the day you would set everything aside so she could be there. Joe was there even when you didn’t want him to be there.

And even now you couldn’t be more thankful to have him in your life, to be able to call him your husband and the father of your children. Whenever you needed to fall into Joe, he was there for you just like you were for him. Your sister and her husband were visiting you and Joe, Everly and August were over as well, they had brought their daughter with them to have a little playdate with your son. You sat in the room watching the kids play, making sure they got along. Your hand rested on top of your baby bump, a smile on your lips.

Joe stood at the door watching you, seeing you glowing. He stepped into the room and placed his hand on top of yours. “How are my girls doing?” He asked, you turned your head to him, your smile growing bigger.

“We’re doing good. How’s everyone else?” You asked.

“Good, you’re dad’s here now. So your sister is ready to share her surprise with everyone.”

“Well, almost everyone. She told me what it was. Can you help me up?” You asked. Joe nodded his head, stood up, his hands fit into yours. He pulled you up and closed the space between the two of you, his lips fell onto yours and you kissed him back.

“Ew, mommy, daddy, stop.” Your son cried out, the two of you laughed and you looked at the children still in the room.

“Come on you two, Auntie Juni has something she wants to share with everyone.” Joe called out holding his hands out to the kids. You watched Joe pick the two up and walk out of the room. You followed behind him heading back into the living room. Juni grabbed a hold of your hand and pulled you to the side.

“I can’t do this.” Juni whispered, staring at you with panicked blue eyes.

“It’s okay Juni, you’re gonna be okay. You got this. I’ll be right next to you when you tell them.” You smiled brightly at your sister. There were two things she would be telling everyone, but only one of them you knew about because she had gone to you in her time of need. Juni looked back at you after the two of you had walked to the center of the room. You smiled at her and gave a nod. Your eyes found Joe, your son was sitting in his lap, the cutest sight you could ever say.

“So first order of business.” Juni said, looking at everyone. Her eyes found the man she had fallen in love with. “Josh and I eloped, we just thought it was best for the two of us.” Shock and happiness washed through everyone, they all smiled and cheered at the news.

“We will be having a small ceremony though for everyone since you couldn’t get a wedding.” Josh mentioned.

“Onto the next order of business. I uh, I’ve been keeping this secret from everyone because I was scared. I didn’t think I was cut out for this next part of my life, but having Josh in it and all of you, I know I can do this.” Juni looked back at you again, you walked up to her and grabbed a hold of her hand holding it in yours. “I’m pregnant.” Juni said excitedly. You wrapped your arm around your sister, a bubbly smile on your face.

Joe had seen you happy a handful of times, at your wedding, when you found out you were pregnant with your son, when you gave birth to your son, when you found out you were pregnant again, and now standing with your sister as she told everyone the happy news. You stepped away from your sister and walked over to Joe sitting down next to him. Your son climbed out of his dad’s lap and ran over to his Aunt and Uncle.

“Thank you.” You whispered, grabbing a hold of Joe’s hand and pulling it up to your lips to kiss it.

“For what, darling?” Joe asked as he leaned back and wrapped an arm around you.

You moved back into his chest and allowed your head to fall into his neck. “For allowing me to fall into you when I needed an anchor.”

“I’d do it over and over again if it meant you’re happy. I love you.” He placed a kiss on your hair.

“I love you too!” The two of you watched from the couch as everyone laughed and talked about the news of two new babies that would be joining the family.

[next-autopsy]

A/N: Well, hi there! I couldn't add these interactions in without writing an absurd amount to fit it in properly, but I still really wanted to add them, so here, have these little scenes instead. The first one takes place just after Birdie tells everyone when her birthday is and her and Joe have a little side conversation. The second is a little moment between her and George at the birthday game night he throws for her.

let me know what you think x

As always, based on the hbo show/actors portrayal, no disrespect intended.

TW: nothing

Tags: @malarkgirlypop , @panzershrike-pretz

Made of Glass

Chapter twenty and a half

Bernadette, Toye and Guarnere were some of the only people left in the mess hall. The woman had finished her food a while ago but was waiting for her friends to catch up. Bill was the last one, he got rid of his tray and came back to the table. Birdie saw him approaching and stood but was quickly stopped, “Sit down, missy.” Toye spoke up. He had a few questions for the young lady. 

“Yeah, you got some explaining to do.” Bill added, sitting back down across from her. 

“Am I in trouble?” She looked at the faces of her friends that were currently studying her. It made her feel like a child who had been pulled into the principal's office. 

“What the hell happened between you and Liebgott?” Toye spat out. He was a tad upset she hadn’t told him, after all, weren’t they best friends?

“Oh.. uh… nothing?” Birdie tried to play it off but she knew she couldn't avoid this forever. The issue was trying to explain something she herself didn't quite understand.

“Forgive me for not believing that.” Joe rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“No really… It was-” Birdie began, but she was cut off.

“What was? What happened?” Bill inquired, he was getting sick of the pretending game, he just wanted straight answers.

“He apologized. That’s all.” 

“Bullshit.” Both men hissed out in tandem. 

“Excuse me?” Birdie was taken aback, why were they so angry? She was allowed to make friends with whomever she wanted. Did they know something she didn't? Had Liebgott spoken to them about her? Suddenly she was flustered and bashful, looking down to avoid the men staring at her. 

“If all he did was apologise, why are you blushing?” 

“I’m not!” Her hand flew up to her cheeks to check their warmth, eyes wide and mouth parted.

“Yes, you are.” Guarnere responded, “Do you like him or something?” His eyebrows were raised, he genuinely didn’t know the answer. Toye on the other hand scoffed, of course she did, he thought that much was obvious.

“What?! No,I-... t-that's crazy!” Birdie was great at bluffing in games, not so much real life. Games had rules that were easy to understand. Life was more complicated. 

“Oh my god, you do!” Bill whisper-yelled accusingly.

“Jesus, Birdie.” Toye already knew this information but he was still mildly disappointed, “Seriously? Of all they guys… Him? Really?” His tone was so judgmental and Birdie was starting to get offended. 

“What is that supposed to mean?” Her voice went up an octave.��

“You could do so much better.” Bill and Joe spoke at the same time, giving her the same answer.

—-------------------

“Here. It ain’t much cause you totally sprung this on me.” George handed over a bit of folded over card, “But happy birthday, Little Bird.” The front had a doodle of a pigeon type bird wearing a birthday hat and the inside was covered in scribbles from nearly every man in Easy, all wishing her a happy day among other sentimental comments. She read a few but tears formed in her eyes pretty quickly and made them blurry so she was forced to stop.

“Next year we’ll take you drinking.” Luz joked, playfully pushing at her shoulder before noticing the trail of watery tears rolling down her cheeks. 

“Hey, please don't cry on your birthday.” The radioman stepped closer to Bernadette, taking her in his arms and pulling her close. He rubbed his hands up and down her back, soothing the birthday girl. 

“I’m sorry…. I just- I miss my folks a-and…I….” Birdie sobbed, trying her hardest to breathe at a normal tempo, “Luz you're like family to me. I love you.” 

“Well now you're gonna make me cry, you sap.” He chuckled at the emotional girl curled up in his arms, “I love you too.”

A/N: I just couldn’t stop picturing George taking the card and pen round to every guy in Easy and forcing them to write something for Birdie!

Also the next real chapter might take longer than usual, love y'all x

~ next-autopsy ~

Chapter twenty one

[demonsanddemogorgons]

Sunny in Philadelphia - A Joseph Quinn Story (Chapter 15)

Chapter 15 - Boyfriend

"McKenzie."

"Drew. What are you doing here? You didn't call." you asked, snapping a bit, angry that you weren't alerted that he was coming. The one agreement the two of you had that he wanted with the divorce was that he could still come and see Jango since you had shared him together. He was allowed to take him to the park or on certain trips he went on, but he stayed with you full-time. He was supposed to notify you before coming to get him, but he hadn't this time.

"I was in the area and figured I would just stop by to take Jango to the park for the day." He looked over your shoulder at Joe, who was just standing there quietly, letting you do all the talking. "Who is this?"

Fuck. Could this get any more awkward? Absolutely not.

"Drew, this is Joe. M-my boyfriend." Drew's eyes widened as you turned to Joe, mainly to avoid eye contact with Drew if you were being totally honest. "Joe, this is Drew. My...ex-husband."

Joe's eyebrows raised as he nodded at the new information. He wasn't particularly thrilled to meet the man who shattered you into the million pieces that he was trying to glue back together, but he would be respectful all the same, for your sake. He nodded towards Drew in acknowledgement but said nothing. He wasn't going to tell him it was nice to meet him, because frankly, it wasn't. He swallowed in an attempt to stuff down the burning anger he felt in his throat from having that bastard standing 3 feet from him. Drew nodded back and then turned to you.

"Boyfriend?"

You rolled your eyes.

"Yes, Drew. Boyfriend. Pretty sure I'm allowed to have one of those now, not that it stopped you."

He ignored your snarky remark and looked at Joe, his eyes widening with realization.

"Wait a minute. I've seen him before. Joe? Like Joseph? Quinn?"

"Yes."

Drew took a step back for a moment out of shock.

"Joseph Quinn? Like that Eddie dude you were all obsessed with from that TV show? You're dating him?"

You were getting fed up with his questions and disbelief. He had already proven you to not be good enough for him, but for him to act like it was impossible for you to attract a man like Joe was the icing on the cake of your bitterness toward him.

"Drew. How many times do I have to say yes?"

"Wow."

That's all he could say? Really?

"Well, Joe and I have plans for later so if you came for Jango, you can go ahead and take him," you said, trying to shoo him out.

"Yeah, I'll be heading out soon, but can we talk first? In private?"

What? Absolutely not.

"What could you possibly want to talk about? And anything you're going to say to me can be said in front of Joe," you snapped. Joe tried his best to hold back a smirk, impressed with your composure. Atta girl, he thought. He was proud of you for standing your ground.

"I...well, I-I wanted to talk to you about maybe, possibly, getting back together."

You didn't think it was possible for Joe's eyes to bug out any further.

"I'm sorry, what?" You couldn't believe what you heard. "You want me to take your cheating, mentally abusive ass back? Drew, how stupid do you think I am?"

"I-I know I screwed up. I see that now."

"Yeah, only because you showed up here to find a new man in my house that you didn't know about. Funny how you can sleep with all these other women and degrade me about my appearance, but the second you see that I've moved on, you can't handle it. What happened, Drew? All your mistresses get tired of you? Did they realize how you really are?"

"I-I-"

"You didn't appreciate what you had. Even if you do realize what you lost now, it's too late. You had your chance, and you blew it. Even if Joe wasn't in the picture, I would never go back to you. Ever. I deserve better, and I've been fortunate enough to find that. Now take Jango for your visit and get the fuck out of my house."

"Mack, please."

"She said get out, mate," Joe interjected from behind you. He had heard enough. Drew moved closer until his face was inches from Joe's.

"This doesn't concern you," he said lowly, his hands tightening into fists. You could see Joe's cheeks turning red.

"Doesn't concern me? You're asking my girlfriend to take your pathetic ass back right in front of me. If that doesn't concern me, then I don't know what does. You have a lot of nerve to ask this of her after the way you treated her, especially in front of me. I have been patient and tried to stay back out of respect for her and her ability to handle herself, but this is where I draw the line. Get out. Now."

Drew didn't move, continuing to stare at Joe in close proximity. He was contemplating his next move which, if he was smart, would be to retreat.

"Come, Jango," he said, backing off. He hooked Jango's leash to his collar and left with him, slamming the door behind him.

As soon as the door shut, you collapsed against Joe, sobbing. He caught you before you could hit the floor and rubbed his hand over your back soothingly.

"Shhhh, darling, it's okay."

"I'm sorry," you sobbed, soaking his shirt in tears. "I couldn't cry in front of him. I just couldn't. I fucking hate him so much, and I couldn't let him see me like this, let him see how much it still hurts."

"I know, lovey. I know." He continued to hold you as you cried, placing gentle kisses on the top of your head. "You handled it, baby. You did so good."

You continued crying against him but started to calm down.

"Thank you for stepping in," you said between sniffles. "I couldn't take any more."

"I know, darling. I am proud of you for staying strong as long as you did. I know how hard that must have been. I will always be here to step in when you need me."

"I don't know what I would do without you, Joe."

He looked down at you and smiled, pulling you in for a kiss, not caring at all that your face was tear-soaked, and he was getting it all over his own. He only cared in that moment that you were alright. He was humbled by your extreme trust of him. He could see every day how much faith you put in him, and effortlessly so. You trusted him with your life, and it was evident to him. He was amazed that after everything you've been through, you were so quick to care about him so easily, without reservation. He was already angry with the Drew he hadn't met for making the girl of his affections feel so badly about herself and taking her love for granted. After meeting him, it was extremely safe for him to say that he hated him. How can someone like that call himself a man, he thought. He surely wasn't one.

Story Master List

[jenyifer]

I had a heartwarming experience today, and I wanted to share it to remember. I never officially came out to my family; I simply started dating my girlfriend. I had previously been in a relationship with a man for three years and even considered marrying him (ugh), but I never had that conversation of "Hey, I might not be straight." Growing up in Mississippi, I was constantly teased for not conforming to traditional gender norms and not having a boyfriend. I struggled with internalized homophobia, even though my uncle is gay and my mom's favorite little brother. He's 12 years older than me. Additionally, my dad's best friend from school was gay and tragically passed away from AIDS in New York before I was born.

Despite not fearing rejection from my family due to their personal connections to the LGBTQ+ community, the anti-LGBTQ+ environment in Mississippi made me want to hide that part of myself.

So, instead of formally coming out, I just told my parents how things were and then posted photos of me and my girlfriend for the family to figure it out. Unfortunately, my parents aren't the most supportive. They unintentionally say hurtful things. Before I came out, my uncle's friends told me that lesbians are just seeking attention, even though they themselves are gay. They explained that's why they don't participate in Pride events in their small Southern towns, as they see lesbians who have families as different from them.

When my uncle found out, he was shocked and wanted to know all the details, as he had known he was gay his whole life. It's been a struggle. Over the past year, I've immersed myself in reading LGBTQ+ books, watching BL/GL series, and listening to podcasts about being queer to try to overcome my internalized homophobia and fear. I never realized how much it would mean to me to have my mom stand up for me.

So, I got my mom, sister, and uncle hooked on "House in the Cerulean Sea" by TJ Klune. They were totally into it. We're all big fans of audiobooks, and listening to it with my mom was a blast.

This time around, I decided to introduce my mom to "Wolfsong." I figured she'd dig the family dynamics, being one of seven siblings herself, and would appreciate characters like Ox and Gordo. We were right in the middle of the action-packed part where Joe Gordo Kelly and Carter take off, so I thought it would be cool to listen to it in the car with my dad.

But, of course, my dad had to chime in with his two cents, wondering why we were all so into this "gay wolf story" and questioning how women could enjoy it when they're not gay. Trying to argue with him is like talking to a brick wall. Even if he's secretly enjoying the story, he just won't admit it.

My dad is a huge fan of urban fantasy authors like Simon Green and Jim Butcher, so I thought "Wolfsong," with its intense fight scenes, might be right up his alley. But, alas, he couldn't see past his biases to give it a fair shot. Oh well, you win some, you lose some.

My mom, who has suggested in the past that finding a man and going to church would make me happy, surprised me by standing up for the book. She was visibly upset, pointing out that if the characters were of the opposite gender, my dad would probably have enjoyed it. She made it clear that the book wasn't about anything inappropriate, but rather a beautiful story that transcends gender. I was really proud and happy about her reaction. It felt like she was not just defending the book, but supporting me too. It got me thinking - maybe this is what it's like for people who come out to their families and are pleasantly surprised by the response, seeing beyond the surface.

I believe that slowly introducing my mom to things she can enjoy has started to change her in some ways. I hope that through reading these books, she can broaden her perspective. And who knows, maybe my dad will start making fewer concerning comments as a result. It's a small step, but I'm hopeful that it will lead to more understanding and acceptance in the long run.

In a world where understanding and acceptance can sometimes feel like a distant dream, witnessing my mom stand up for a book that challenged stereotypes and biases was a small victory in itself. It's moments like these that give me hope for progress and change, one step at a time. As we continue to explore new stories and perspectives together, I look forward to the growth and understanding that will undoubtedly follow. Makes me want to try even harder to expand my perspective and be a better person by reading alll the fantasy scifi queer media I can haha.

[castlebyersafterdark]

It’s so intriguing how Joseph Quinn entered ST for one season and already has a burgeoning career way stronger than any of the actors who’ve been here for a decade (he’s in a quiet place, the fantastic four, gladiator II, a major alex garland A24 war film, a major elevated horror film, and more to come). It’s like damn, where’s this energy for any of the other cast members? agents, please step up 😤

especially noah’s agent. noah should’ve landed roles post ST2 just like finn did early on

Oh gosh I forgot about that man but yeah, he seems to be popping OFF with big roles. Marvel lead???? Wild. I never could have predicted that one but good for him. I know that Stranger Things has really long filming demands but others have managed to do big roles as well. Not gonna pretend I know that much about the intricacies of all their filming decisions, but it's certainly interesting. I really don't know why Noah wasn't in more (better) stuff in conjunction with ST but maybe it's what his family decided?

now this is all interesting because i agree with vinny about noah's post-ST career. ST is something of a bubble; did you see that parody where it was called 'the worlds favourite TV show every three years' ? basically, most people - the industry peeps who make things happen and the viewing public - forget about the show until a new season comes out. its a cultural phenomenon rather than a stalwart, and i think it's going to continue to generate a loyal fanbase for decades to come, much like nerd classics like star trek. i can totally see this cast coming back again and again for reunion cons but not necessarily having varied, successful careers.

i think they are great actors in ST, but something about the ensemble cast and the magic of the show is what works for me. everything i've seen anyone do outside of ST has been disappointing tbh. i thought finn had quiet beauty in Saving the World, but if I saw that and didnt know who he was, I probably wouldnt think he was a giant star or follow his career. The youngest actors especially, in s1 and s2 they threw so much of themselves into the roles that I believe these characters now belong to them, are part of them. (Imagine: it's 2050, and Stranger Things is being rebooted. I can see Finn and Noah coming back for cameo roles, Mr Clarke or something, and old fans going wild.)

But I don't feel that way with B characters like Eddie/Joe Quinn. You have to consider that he was hella charismatic and is considered a good actor, period, not just within the show: he's a seasoned british theatre actor with roots in the biz. he's sort of like what jonathan bailey is to bridgerton, getting all the roles despite his castmates being super talented too. it speaks volumes about the kind of characters that the general public want to see + that the industry is willing to write. we've seen the steddie fandom here: joe has one hell of a demographic lapping up his stuff, and he's riding a fame wave of hot white twenty-something male, similar to Paul Mescal... and considering how fast pop culture/hollywood moves these days, I wouldnt be surprised if he too fades away after a few years of great success (like J. Law). He could also fuck it up with one wrong comment and get cancelled within the year lol. It's just so hard to predict.

but vinny was probably right on with noah being young - child stars rarely expand beyond one franchise/film while theyre that small due to legal filming limits and school commitments etc, and because theres so few child roles in hollywood. so comparing a young noah's talent and career with joe quinn's, who was an adult when he joined ST, doesnt really make sense.

+ this isnt really on topic but i personally would prefer them to fade and be happy and healthy than grind away and become jaded by the industry or have many flops. i already think finn worked too hard as a teen and has basically developmentally lived his twenties before his teen years, and is now sort of going back to that teen mindset and experimenting with music and chilling and doing things a teen should. when he said he had abandoned his career goals to focus on personal ones like 'being comfortable in my own skin', i rejoiced and also cursed the whole fame thing for just being so fucked up. his goal is to be 'a happy and healthy older person' - i mean, that made me cry dude. the implications and subtext of that statement! and people are out here thinking they should all be happy and fine cos theyre rich and have fancy cars and all these fans. like, tell me you don't know anything about what it means to be human. 🙄

Excellent points and discussions, all very real. Agreed. Thank you !! ❤️❤️

[godshivered]

Just saw your "Melissa has PTSD" idea and I am totally on board. If you're comfortable answering, do you think that would be more from her marriage or from the "shady" side to her family that sometimes gets hinted at in the show?

ty for asking!! ok so it very much depends on what we find out about melissa’s family and ex (i imagine the show will tell us more eventually). but in general:

i had a personal headcanon for a while that melissa has a tough relationship with her parents, mainly bc they are never mentioned as stepping up during the struggles with her nana’s health. but generally they never come up, which interests me. and if joe was a toxic ex and she stuck around with him despite that, that’s a telltale sign of an unstable attachment to parents. AND THEN i read a couple fics on ao3 which also headcanon melissa as having mother issues. most recently, “before it’s all too much” by Teyamarra has a good exploration of that dynamic.

obviously melissa’s family gets up to some… funny business, legally speaking. i don’t know what i think that is, exactly, or how much involves her. but i do think growing up in a family with so many secrets, knowing from a young age that people generally can’t be trusted, would give her some learned hypervigilance. depending on the ramifications she’s seen (if she’s had any family members hurt/jailed, if she herself has been arrested or hurt), this could be a root for complex PTSD.

(i do think it’s complex PTSD that melissa would have (short definition: PTSD due to continuous trauma, rather than a few extreme instances of trauma), which manifests very differently and would be interesting to discuss in a separate post.)

my other main thought is melissa’s ex, joe, mainly because the scene on the phone with him was the most striking instance of body language shifting. that relationship informs her beliefs about dating and marriage — it causes her to avoid dating, and particularly men in uniform (avoiding reminders of trauma, even at the cost of your own happiness or growth, is a PTSD symptom). she’s shown reacting anxiously when gary, the vending machine guy, shows interest in her and makes a minor faux pas with the dave & buster’s suggestion. she loses all confidence and literally runs from the scenario (turns out you have both fight AND flight, melissa). we see moments of her trying to predict and prepare for red flags — hypervigilance, trying to protect herself…

which suggests she feels vulnerable/scared in romantic relationships. which suggests her experience with joe was particularly influential and damaging. we know she also has wavering self-esteem and is very sensitive to hurtful words (read: any time someone calls her a bad teacher, or when barbara says “people like you”). so my personal headcanon is that joe was verbally aggressive. it’s also generally HCed in the fandom that joe cheated on her with nina, which is believable to me. i don’t know if there’s reason to think he was physically aggressive (she’s still very touchy and doesn’t seem to have a visible fear of men), so i think it was just verbal/emotional abuse/toxicity.

anyway, that’s way more than you asked for! but that’s my basic thinking on it. i’m open-minded about it this early in the show, and wanna know more about her background. especially her family, which seems complicated (yet she has a zillion photos of them around her house, so there’s love there!)

[justatidalwaveoffeelings]

NOVEMBER 19TH

Sometime after united we spy- Joe and Rachel facing Matt's birthday without him. Sad fluff. I hope yall like it!

The knock at the door was quick and concise. Before Rachel had a chance to answer Joe stepped into her office. It had been a busy day at the Gallagher academy. Rachel had been trying to get a head count on how many girls would be staying over the brief break for Thanksgiving and Joe was cooking up the hardest semester final he could think of. He kept telling her that he had "a reputation to uphold of being the scariest teacher."

If they were being honest it was just a distraction. They had barely spoken since they had awoken that morning, it was a quick check-in, a quick kiss and off to work. Neither of them had to much to say on days like this.

"How are you doing?" Joe asked her.

How was she doing? She shuffled some paperwork on her desk and gave a brisk "I'm fine, Joe."

She didn't want to talk about it right then. She had things she wanted to do before she mentally checked out for the day. She needed at least another two hours of the work day.

"So, you don't want to talk about it"? He asked with a small smile.

"I've got things to do here. It's not easy to run an entire school. I don't know if you've ever heard anyone say it's easy being married to one of your teachers because let me tell you it's not!" It's--

"It's harder to run away from feeling things when best friend and husband makes you think about them?" He cut her a look that said he knew that she was distracting herself, and that it was ok.

He sat down at the desk in front of her. Watching her, waiting.

"I'm not running, I've got other things to think about why is that not okay?!"

He suddenly looked tired. "It's totally fine. I dont want to make you feel anything, I just wanted to check in on you. See if we could eat dinner, just the two of us? On days like today it's normally something we do."

She didn't respond right away. She didn't want to tear up or talk about it. She had to make sure that 41, 42? Girls had guidance, food and warm beds to stay in. Matt wouldn't want her to brush them off.

"I know. I know. I just..... I just need to do this, ok?" She sounded upset. They locked eyes for what felt like way too long.

He stood up slowly and told her that he was going to be upstairs in their little staff quaters apparement. That when she was done he'd hope she'd join him. He walked over, kissed her on the top of the head and walked out of her office without another word.

She felt terrible. The second Joe left she felt like she screwed up, and badly. Yes, he was checking on her but not 3 minutes had passed when she realized that he might have needed her. Not only was she being plagued by her first husband's death but she was also very concerned that she had hurt her now husband. She looked back down at her paperwork and suddenly felt tears prick her eyes. She had been so focused on avoiding her own feelings about Matt's birthday that she had inadvertently shut out everyone else.

As she started to lock her office door she called Abby. She got her voice-mail. Not a huge surprise to Rachel but she left a message anyways. She hoped, gosh, she couldn't believe she was even thinking this, that Agent Towsend was with her. She wasnt sure how much sympathy he would lend but she was certain that he loved her. As long as Abby wasn't alone today.

She didn't knock on their door, she just stepped into the small living space that she and Joe now shared.

The lights were on and there was a wonderful smell coming from the tiny kitchen. She called out "Joseph?" There was no response. She walked through the tiny living room kitchen combo and opened the door to their bedroom.

He was sitting at the small desk in the corner with the desk lamp on. He had a bunch of papers spread out and he was reading. Both his journal and Matthew's. He didn't look up as he said

"so you decided to join me finally? That was barely 10 minutes, your normally more stubborn than that."

She couldn't take it anymore. She teared up and sat on the edge of the bed. Hearing her sit he turned around to face her. She was still staring at the baseboard when she spoke.

"I'm so sorry. I should have just told you that I'm upset and that I'm not doing well. I miss him so much. I.... I just... I really miss him and to add to that I was so flippant about how you were feeling. I didn't even think"...She started to choke on her tears and before she knew it she was just crying.

Joe moved from the desk and sat beside her on the bed. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to his chest. They sat like that for a few minutes until Rachel's tears started to subside.

"I'm so sorry, Joe"

He backed away a little bit to look her in the eye.

"It's ok, Rach"

"No, it really isn't. I know you miss him too and what's worse is you take it in a personal way cause..."

He became serious and removed his arms from around her waist.

"Because I what?  Was involved in pulling him into this. Because the wrong guy went to Rome that day?"

She looked at him squarely, saw the tears just behind his eyes that she knew he wouldn't let fall. She reached out and put her hand on his jaw. Tilting it down to really look at her.

"Because you think it's somehow your fault"

He lightly sniffed and started to stand but she was expecting this maneuver and was quick to pull him to her.

He was a little stiff so she continued,

"We have been over this before, wise guy. I know the entire story start to finish. In no way shape or form do I think you're responsible. Abby doesn't think it's your fault. Cammie doesn't think it's your fault. I love you. I know you. I dont want you to carry it with you all the time.

I also know, she said with a small laugh, that I have said all of this before in greater detail and you're still too stubborn to listen."

He whispered a barely audible "I know. On days like today....."

"Ya days like today can really suck but I have you. Thank you, by the way."

"For being miserable with you? Ya, ok there Ace."

He was starting to tease. That's good.

"I love you, Joe."

"I love you more".

She couldn't help herself. So she said "actually you know what I might love more than you? Whatever it is your cooking right now. I haven't eaten since breakfast and that smells amazing."

"It's a casserole and chocolate cake"

"I was so smart to remarry a man that could cook. Chocolate cake, huh? Matthew's favorite."

He chuckled as he kissed her softly. When he kissed her like that, they could forget what day it was just for a minute. 

The timer went off for whatever was in the oven. Joe went to the kitchen and Rachel walked to the desk. She cleaned up the pile of papers. She put the journals in the top drawer and she looked at the photo on their desk. Matt, Joe, Abby and Rachel, holding a very tiny Cameron. She smiled softly.

Wait. Cammie.

"Joe, I didn't reach out to cammie today."

"I'm sure it's fine hon, she's in Prague with Zach. They are working. They'll keep eachother safe. He'll distact her."

"I know, but I wanted to say something to her. Its too late in Prague now."

He looked at her half amused and half guilty.

"Would now be a good time or a bad time to admit I used the dead drop saying that I hoped she was doing ok, we love her, that we both missed Matt too and that he would be really too proud of her?"

"Wait. You did?"

"Ya, you were so quiet about it all day that I wrote to her and signed both our names. I hope that's ok."

She laughed "ya, thats more than ok. Thank you"

The rest of their night was spent peacefully. Each switching between being reminiscent of the good things and shaken up by the loss. That's how November 19th normally passed.

As they laid in bed, Joe started playing with her hair she couldn't help but thinking that today was hard but that it was nothing compared to the days when they spent  them apart. At least they still had each other to lean on and to miss Matthew together. November 20th was always a much easier day for both of them she thought as she drifted off to sleep.

[ciaossu-imagines]

Continuing on with last night's trend, here's a fandom prompt for another new fandom to this blog, Sk8 The Infinity, or as I like to call it, Tony Hawk The Anime!

Send me a fandom and I will tell you:

Character I’d like to see in a flower crown: Shadow. Not only would it be a hilarious mismatch in a way, but it would look adorable.

Character I’d like to see have an emotional breakdown: None. Absolutely none of them. Please…I absolutely adore every single character in some way and want them to all live good, healthy, happy lives.

Character I’d like to see get punched in the face: With that being said though, Adam gets on my nerves the most and deserves some hits to the head every now and then, just to keep him in line.

Character most likely to sing along to Journey songs in the car: Honestly, Reki would totally sing along to Journey, Queen, all the old school American classic rock. The problem is, he doesn’t really know the words and gets them mangled up a lot.

Character who refuses to pull over and ask for directions on road trips: I cannot rightly tell you why but I just feel like this would be Cherry Blossom. He’d rely heavily on GPS or AI and steadfastly refuse to believe there could ever be tech glitches for directions and, if the tech failed him or he got into an area it wouldn’t work, I think it would wound his pride too much to ask for directions unless it became an absolute necessity.

Character who always stubs their toes on the washing machine: Once again, it’s Shadow. I feel he just has horrible luck in that way.

Character who changes their Starbucks order ten times: Joe can be a bit of a coffee snob, yes, but the real reason is that he’ll see or smell something (especially smell, since his olfactory sense is really strong) that was just made for someone else, and he’ll have to know what it tastes like.

Character who shows up late for everything: While it’s not something that really happens anymore, since he’s taken a lot of steps to make sure he’s improved in the area, Oka as a kid and teenager was horrible for this. He’d just get wrapped up in something and lose track of time.

Character who is the worst kisser: I strongly, one hundred percent believe that Adam is a horrible kisser. It’s either too wet or too dry, too gentle, or too hard…he just cannot get the knack of it. He’s also horrible for wanting kisses regardless of whatever he just ate so garlic breath will be a thing.

Character who takes 45-minute showers: If he can, Miya likes long showers or baths. He finds them relaxing and they give him time to think clearly and to get his head where it needs to be.

Character who gets most bent out of shape over the pronunciation of gif:  It’s Cherry Blossom, bar none, and he’s the only one who does, though Reki and Joe will both argue with him about it just to rile him up.

[wrestlingisfake]

Full Gear preview

MJF vs. Jay White - Max is making his ninth defense of the AEW men's world championship; if he retains it tonight, then tomorrow he can say he's held the title for an entire year. White stole the title belt on October 4, in retaliation for an attack on September 27. Although the attackers were led by a man wearing MJF's signature devil mask, Friedman has denied any involvement. This will be Max's second match of the night, as he's working the pre-show in a tag match against White's henchmen, Austin and Colten Gunn.

I never expected to be so excited for this matchup. At times I have loathed both men, because they're so dedicated to their heel work that they sometimes cross the line from "boo" to "this is stupid I'm gonna make a sandwich." When White joined AEW it seemed inevitable they'd work together, and I was dreading that black hole of heel heat. In their first promo battle they kept harping on how alike they're supposed to be--a take so tepid I could get that from any idiot on Twitter--and I was like "hoo boy." And yet, they've sold me on it.

MJF's babyface works because it doesn't fundamentally alter who he is as a heel. He's still a spoiled rich kid trying to hurt everyone before they can hurt him. He's still extremely good at using rulebreaking and chicanery to get what he wants. It's just that now he wants to deserve to be loved--by Adam Cole, by the fans, and even by the Acclaimed--so now he's using every trick in his book to get something we want him to have.

Meanwhile, White's strengths as a heel aren't simply having the balls to get the cheapest heat possible, even if that's all he had to do in New Japan. What makes him stand out is that he's cold and calculating. He's too heartless to be distracted by his personal sentiment, which makes it easier for him to spot those weaknesses in an opponent and strategically exploit them. Max wants to be in your head to feel like a big shot; Jay wants to be in your head to dismantle you.

So now Max, the biggest cheater in AEW, is headed into a battle of cheaters, and the story is that he's the underdog, because Jay has stayed one step ahead at every turn. They've done such a great job with this that I almost believe Jay should get the title. Almost. Because at the same time, they've done an even better job building up Samoa Joe as the next challenger. And that story--that the invincible Joe will watch Max's back in exchange for a title match that Max can't win--is too good to disrupt by taking the title off of MJF. One way or another, I think the champ retains tonight.

Christian Cage & Luchasaurus & Nick Wayne vs. Adam Copeland & Sting & Darby Allin - Cage and Lucha have been feuding with Allin and Sting for months. Things escelated on October 1 when Darby's protege Nick Wayne betrayed him to align with Christian, and Adam Copeland debuted with AEW to stop the heels from injuring Sting.

Copeland is best known for his hall-of-fame career in WWE as Edge, which included seven tag team championships alongside Christian. The team broke up in 2001, although they've had more than a few reunions. Aside from battle royales, this is the first time these two have been on opposite sides of the ring since 2010. This is obviously building to a one-on-one match, probably for the AEW TNT title, so don't expect them to settle anything here.

The other big factor in this match is that Sting recently announced plans to retire in a few months. Ric Flair recently debuted with AEW to participate in Sting's final run, and he's going to be in the babyfaces' corner for this match. I suppose Flair doesn't have to turn on Sting, but their history suggests that he's totally going to turn on Sting. Sting hasn't been on the losing side of a match in eight years, but it may be about time for that to change. I could easily see Wayne or Allin getting pinned in this match, depending on what shenanigans happen.

Orange Cassidy vs. Jon Moxley - Cassidy's AEW international title is on the line. Moxley already beat Orange for the title on September 3, but within a few weeks a legit in-ring injury forced an unplanned title change to Rey Fenix. Mox was scheduled for a rematch with Fenix on October 10, but when he couldn't get medical clearance, Cassidy stepped in and regained the title. So even though Orange is once again the defending champion, it feels more like he's the challenger seeking to avenge a crushing defeat two months ago.

Very little has changed since the first bout. Moxley still thinks he can crush Cassidy like a bug, and Orange still has to prove he can weather the storm. If the original plan was a long Moxley title reign with Cassidy chasing him for six months, they could have him win again to get back on track. Or if the plan was for Cassidy to win back the title in the second match, he could simply retain here to set up an epic rubber match. I definitely think Orange needs to win the war, but that doesn't mean he has to win this battle. This could go either way.

Kenny Omega & Chris Jericho vs. Matt Jackson & Nick Jackson - The Golden Jets (Omega and Jericho) have been teaming up of late to fight their mutual enemies in the Don Callis Family, but Matt and Nick aren't happy about it. If the Bucks win this match, the Jets must disband as a team; but if the Jets win, they receive the AEW tag title shot the Bucks earned back on October 1.

The last time Kenny and a partner faced the Bucks, the partner was Adam Page and it was a match of the year candidate. Jericho is not Page, obviously, but even if you think he totally sucks, he doesn't suck enough to keep this match from being great.

It's only been six months since Kenny and the Bucks reconciled with Page, to get the Elite all together again for the first time in three years. So I don't understand the logic of having the Bucks turn on Kenny for no real reason. The only thing that makes sense is to build to Matt and Nick against Omega and Kota Ibushi. So it stands to reason the Bucks will win this match to remove Jericho from the equation.

Hikaru Shida vs. Toni Storm - This is for Shida's AEW women's world title. Shida won the title from Storm on August 2, but she lost it on August 27 in a four-way when Storm was pinned by her own ally, Saraya. Storm failed to recover the title from Saraya on September 20, but Shida dethroned Saraya on October 10. So yeah, Toni has been having a tough time of late, in case you were wondering why she flipped out and reinvented herself as an old-timey movie star.

Toni's over-the-top gimmick may be the best thing going in the division right now, so you can make the argument she should be the top champion. On the other hand, that would mean feeding your top women to what is essentially a comedy act. I think my preference would be to keep her on TV but out of the title picture, to expand the footprint of the women's division. But I never understand AEW's priorities with the women, so I can't predict this one.

Adam Page vs. Swerve Strickland - This is billed as a Texas death match, and I always forget exactly which version of the rules AEW uses. I think you can win by submission or if your opponent stays down for a ten-count. Regardless, the main idea is that the wrestlers can brawl all over the place and use all sorts of weapons.

These two had a big match on October 1, which Strickland won. For some reason that didn't end the feud, so Strickland upped the ante by invading Page's home, so now Page is out for blood. I wasn't wild about the build to the first match, and this time the whole thing feels even more superfluous. Page hit the nail on the head in one of his promos--Strickland should have taken the win in their first match, and moved on to chasing the world title, but instead they're still fighting each other for no particularly good reason.

I can't see Page losing this match, but I also don't see the point of doing this feud if Strickland isn't going to get the last laugh. So something tells me this match won't settle anything, and they'll run it back again next month.

Ricky Starks & Big Bill vs. Dax Harwood & Cash Wheeler vs. Malakai Black & Brody King vs. Rush & Dralistico - Starks and Bill are putting the AEW tag championship up for grabs. This is a ladder match, so the tag belts will be hung above the ring and ladders will be placed at ringside--the only rule is that the first man to pull down the belts will win the match and the tag title for his team. In theory you'd need to climb a ladder to get the belts, but something tells me Ricky will try standing on Bill's shoulders at least once.

FTR (Dax and Cash) lost the tag title to Starks and Bill on October 7, so they're trying to reclaim the gold. The Kings of the Black Throne (Black and King) seem to have targeted FTR, although they've also targeted half a dozen other people. Case in point, they gave La Faccion Ingobernable enough grief that they kinda turned babyface to help FTR, so Rush and Dralistico are here to represent LFI.

It probably doesn't make a big difference who wins this match, because I expect the winners to be underdogs when they defend against the winners of tonight's Young Bucks-Golden Jets match. So yeah, let's just go with Starks and Bill to retain.

Kris Statlander vs. Julia Hart vs. Skye Blue - This is a three-way, so the first woman to score a fall will win the match and Statlander's AEW TBS title. I like all three women, but this match seems kind of pointless. Hart beat Blue on September 20, Statlander beat Hart on October 1, and Statlander beat Blue on October 14. Julia qualified for this match by beating Willow Nightingale (whom Statlander already beat) and Skye qualified by beating Red Velvet (who never beats anybody). This is why the women's division needs to have more depth, people.

The only good reason to do this match is that Julia sprayed Skye in the face with black mist. Everybody figured Blue would then turn to the dark side, but thus far she seems to not like Julia or Kris. So it's not clear where any of this is going, and we just have to hope doing this match will settle it somehow.

I get the feeling they've got an idea to do a title change here. I'd be cool with Hart or Blue getting the big win, although I'd prefer to see it happen in a straight one-on-one victory. I guess I'll root for Julia, since she's been killin' it lately.

Eddie Kingston vs. Jay Lethal - This is set for the pre-show. Kingston lost a Memphis street fight to Jeff Jarrett on October 21, which means he has to defend the ROH men's world title against Lethal, because nothing in the Jarrettverse makes any fucking sense. Eddie is also the STRONG men's champion, but that title isn't at stake here. I'm sure the heels will do all their usual cheap heat shit, and it won't matter and Eddie will just clobber them to retain. But...I suppose Lethal could win to set up a rematch at the ROH pay-per-view next month. So you never know.

Claudio Castagnoli vs. Buddy Matthews - Another pre-show match. Basically Buddy was clobbering Wheeler Yuta last night and Claudio ran in for the save and issued a challenge for this match. I assume this is leading to Claudio, Yuta, and Jon Moxley vs. Buddy, Malakai Black, and Brody King eventually, but they sure aren't in a hurry to get there. Claudio will probably win here.

MJF & Samoa Joe vs. Austin Gunn & Colten Gunn - The Gunns are challenging for the ROH tag title in the pre-show. MJF and Adam Cole are the titleholders, although Cole has been sidelined with an ankle injury since September 20. Max insists on defending the title until Cole returns, and Joe has graciously offered to help him in exchange for an AEW men's world title match. I wouldn't give the Gunns very good odds against either MJF or Joe, but against MJF and Joe they haven't got a prayer.

[bigpornoking]

An odd little lie

When we started speaking, in earnest, I asked her if she believed in love, I wanted to see if maybe she was like me. Single not because we can't find someone, but because we did and we know it isn't meant to be. And ever since we've become aimless, coping in our own ways, she has her pills and her powders and me with my ever changing set of spreading legs. I thought she was too cute to be so sad and lonely and since she's a lesbian I can totally get her a cutie gf lol. No mental illness on earth that sucking on a nice pair of tiddies can't cure 😭 I sent her pics of women I find attractive and asked her to send me pics of women she find's attractive, so I could get a sense of what I should be out on the look out for. (Eva Mendes circa 2011 is her sweet spot I would say but really what do I know.) I think she's too shy, nervous and anxiety riddled to be able to make a move on a girl or on a guy for that matter, thank goodness she so pretty or she'd be a virgin till this day 😭

I thought things would be so perfect with my cute little lesbian bestie lol. I've always wanted lesbian best friend ever since I was 15 and the girl I saw as a little sister did NOT see me as a big brother lmao that was a disaster. Then there was that gaming "friend" who couldn't use me to cheat on her boyfriend fast enough lmao kill me. Yeah no more straight female friends for me, if they actually want to be friends they'll still talk to me AFTER we fuck so yeah.

ANYWAY When she started getting all mushy and told me she was bi at first I thought this was a sex work ploy to wring more money out of me but I really couldn't spend money on online sex work, I don't have any vices and paying someone so you can jerk yourself off seems like lame way to lose all your money to me. It's not that she's not super hot or bad at what she does it's just I'd prefer escorts and hookers to get some real bang for my buck y'know?

But when I said she was giving off "sex work vibes" during the start of what seem to be some good ol' cybersex she got so fucking mad. She said it wasn't sex work and that she liked me and that she was horny but now she doesn't like me anymore. I mean I didn't mean to rebuff her like that and make her feel bad, I told her many times already I wasn't talking to her or supporting her for her sex work. So I was just confused because if you're a lesbian and the online sex work is for money why would you try to get intimate with me, a straight man?

Anyway I just wrote it off has her being lonely and horny and me being a convenient fuck as per usual for my life it seems. After that I asked her if she'd be okay being a step mom because I think finding her a 40 something finically stable man might be easier and sometimes they're divorced and have kids so y'know, gotta make sure it's not a deal breaker for her. And I'd make sure he wasn't just a random y'know like he'd have to be kind to her, understand her needs, and be able to provide for her and protect her like she deserves. Not that I'd get her some doormat either lmao I'm not trying to set up some poor guy to hate his life, they'd have to compliment one another, y'know pass my vibe check.

And when she continued sending me nudes and starting cybersex sessions I really didn't think she was actually into me, like yeah right this 10/10 knock out beauty with the big brain and sharp tounge wants to be MY girlfriend!? Even after I told her I live in the ghetto and work a part time work from home job and the money I give her is just extra money I have saved that would've been spent on fwbs back in the heydays!? Yeah, no, too good to be true. Or is it that the girl has credit cards to pay off because of the spike in interests rates (thanks Joe Biden) and I have a cashapp 😩

I would've have believed her too if I knew what I know now, that her answer to my question was a lie. An odd little lie, see when I asked her "Do you believe in love?" I said I do and all that it entails, romance, loving love, love songs, love stories, that I'm a hopeless romantic. Her on the other hand, she said no, she said that she never believed in love and when they asked her as a group when she was a waitress like 10 yrs ago her answer was no even then in front of everyone.

But seeing her tumblr blog from 10 years ago tells a very different tale, it tells of a girl who knows love, love sickness, love longing, love poems, love songs and heartbreak. I wish women didn't lie for no reason, I wish she would've told me the truth, I wish I knew she was just. like. me.

[dollarbin]

Sandy Saturday's #6:

What Is True

Yeah, yeah, I know it's not Saturday. But let's get the weekend going early by checking back in on Sandy's rough return to Fairport Convention in 74/75...

Denny had just made seven nearly flawless records in a row (I'm not including The Bunch in that total; we'll get to that silly record in good time). Beginning with Fortheringay in 68, she'd brought perfect demos of her own songs to every one of those records.

And just listen to the plaintive, yearning ballad she offered her husband's increasingly macho version of Fairport in 74:

In a way I feel for the band here. What the hell were they supposed to do with such a song other than get out of her way? After all, a lot of the song's power comes from picturing Denny alone amidst the storm, working through her feelings for another without them around to bug her. The last thing we need here is a bass line.

But the song turns a corner at the 2 minute mark; Denny reaches out to that other, asking for them to help her have the one thing she's never had. Dave Swarbrick could have joined her there; his fiddle could have answered her longing, providing partnership; light drumming could have joined the conversation as well: after the initial solo elegance, the song's flashes of potential optimism could have found communal form.

The right producer could have helped Denny and the band strive in this, or in another, positive direction. Dylan and Leonard Cohen's producer from that era, Bob Johnson, would have been a perfect choice for that role. Listen to Johnson eight years earlier, trying to help Dylan transform an utterly solo piano song into a full band piece during the Blonde on Blonde sessions.

You can hear that Dylan's lost at first; he's just not into it. But then Johnson steps in with simple reassurance: "do what you were doing," he says. Have some faith and patience, Bob. Let the band listen and appreciate the song, then let them find their way unobtrusively in.

And, one by one, they all do just that. Dylan takes note; his playing and singing improve and he starts to believe. At the end of the track he invents a whole new piano riff (unless that's a second piano alongside him?) that soars somewhere new while entrusting the now organ-led band with the main melody. It's a wonderful piece - and it's a shame Dylan didn't let Johnston help him polish it into final form.

But Johnson wasn't there to lend that kind of support to Denny and the band; instead, as we discussed last week, they had Dumb and Dumber (her husband and Glyn Johns) running the show. And, oh God, just listen to how they ruin her lovely song.

Forget straight up piano; let's make Sandy play electric keys and send everything through some silly pedal, says Glyn the Git. Forget thoughtful pacing; let's give it a driving pulse that doesn't wait for her, says her unhelpful husband. Forget a sympathetic bass line; let's have the bass wander aimlessly about disrupting things before, at the last moment, when Denny has surely already taken off for the ladies in frustration, finding a nice final riff, says the normally dependable Dave Pegg.

And forget Swarbrick uplifting it all with his elegant fiddle; let's have him play inconsequential acoustic guitar, says someone dumb, probably Stephen Stills. It's a wonder they didn't bring in the percussionist on just about every bad song in history, Joe Lala, to drown out every remaining glimpse of soul left in the piece. (My famous brother pointed out that I forgot to mention in this week's Grace Slick post that Lala is one of the guys swinging her terrorizing WRECKING BALL.)

Honestly, the Fairport take of What Is True isn't as bad as I claim. If I'd never heard the song's spiritual demo I might enjoy the performance.

Even so, here's what I say is true: Joni Mitchell, Linda Ronstadt and Emmylou Harris all had male band mates in this same era that knelt before them, complimenting their greatness without elbowing them out of the way or undercutting their genius.

On this, and every other, Saturday, Sandy deserves the same.

[jdgo51]

DAILY DEVOTIONAL FOR APRIL 4, 2023

Ears to Hear

By Pat Banta Kreml (Florida, USA)

READ ROMANS 10:16-21

"Whoever has ears, let them hear."

MATTHEW 11:15 (NIV)

"Due to a sinus infection, one of my ears became filled with fluid. I could hear clearly out of my good ear, but the other only registered muffled sounds. I became frustrated by my inability to hear sounds I had taken for granted before. I had to ask people to repeat themselves in conversation. Sound distortion threw me off key during praise team rehearsal, and I couldn’t hear important details when the team leader gave instructions. For a time, I literally did not have ears to hear.

How often do we suffer from the same affliction in our spiritual lives? Worldly distractions, fear, stubbornness, pride, apathy, selfishness, and sin can build up in our hearts and keep us from hearing God’s voice. Our pastor preaches a message, but we may catch only part of it because we’re distracted. We ask God for guidance, but we might fail to study scripture and miss God’s answers. God is always speaking, but sometimes a blockage distorts our hearing.

When my doctor drained the fluid from my ear canal, my full hearing returned. The Great Physician will clear out our spiritual blockages too. We just need to acknowledge our lack of spiritual hearing and turn our hearts toward God." Whatever stands in the way of clarity, the Lord will open up everything for you to see everything with perfect vision. We have distractions all of the time, yet with God we can refocus and move forward in the light. We will have total clarity and direction for our next step.

TODAY'S PRAYER

"Father God, please remove the blockages that prevent us from hearing your voice clearly so that we may have ears to hear when you speak. In Jesus’ name." Amen.

Romans 10:16-21

New International Version

"'16 But not all the Israelites accepted the good news. For Isaiah says, “Lord, who has believed our message?”[a] 17 Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ. 18 But I ask: Did they not hear? Of course they did: “Their voice has gone out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world.”[b] 19 Again I ask: Did Israel not understand? First, Moses says, “I will make you envious by those who are not a nation; I will make you angry by a nation that has no understanding.”[c] 20 And Isaiah boldly says, “I was found by those who did not seek me; I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me.”[d] 21 But concerning Israel he says, “All day long I have held out my hands to a disobedient and obstinate people.”[e]"' Read and re-read these words to glean from them a message that speaks to you. In God's word, we face passages that may no speak immediately to us, but will clear up if we spend time in them. Be blessed! Joe

[butchviking]

i challenge you to... all the questions you havent done yet 🔪 (or just the first 10 you havent done if thats too many)

that is a lot for sure but hey, i got the time.

4. mythical creature you think/believe is real?

none of them... thats why theyre mythical... sorry for being boring but i believe in the real world im afraid!

5. favorite form of potato?

dauphinoise!!!!!

9. do you have a skincare routine (and how many steps is it)?

i uhh. i guess. it's 1-2 steps. i wash my face and then sometimes i moisturise it.

11. anything from your childhood you’ve held on to?

YES my teddy bear joe 🧸 who is currently on his way to a country i just left 😭 im so worried for him i hope he makes it 😭😭 (also an mcr shirt from when i was like 10/11 lol. of course.)

12. brand of haircare/bodycare/skincare that you trust 100%?

i would never trust any brand 100%. however i usually buy simple face wash & moisturiser. im not super brand loyalty abt it or anythin tho i just like that they don't stink of perfume like most do

13. first thing you’re doing in the purge?

HIDING girl wtf 😭 my ass would NOT survive the purge im 5'4 female have no fighting skill at all & don't own a gun. it would b nice to rob some places get some money & cool stuff but there would b other ppl there doing the same thing and if they want to kill me over the last bottle of rum at the asda or something then im totally fucked. im hide and hope everyone is niceys :3

14. do you think you’re dehydrated?

rn? no i don't think so. i had to drink my big bottle of water real quick before i got on this plane.

16. thoughts on mint chocolate chip?

it's good!

17. an anxious compulsion you do everyday?

oh i wouldn't even know. that shit doesn't even register to me anymore. theres so much weird shit i do that dont even notice til someone points it out

19. the veggie you dislike the most?

celery 🤮

20. favorite disney princess movie?

uhhhhhh. when i was a kid i liked cinderella 2? i don't remember any of it anymore though. frozen was ok? mostly i just liked let it go tho. im really not a disney gal lol

21. a number that weirds you out?

this is ironic. 21. i dont like it and i dont like that its a multiple of 7. it shouldn't be. AND a multiple of 3. dont like that.

22. do you have an emotional support water bottle?

nope. could do with getting one of those huge 1.5L blue plastic ones again tho, i had one a few summers ago n i loved it but it broke

23. do you wear jewelry?

currently, yeah! wooden rosary on my wrist and a viking-style metal twist ring. i go thru phases i pick an item or two and refuse to ever ever take them off for like 6 months, n then they break or i lose them or smthn and then i dont wear anything for another few months until i find smthn else.

24. which do you find yourself using, american or british english?

british bc i am british

25. would you say you have good taste in music?

yes. i have the best music taste in the entire world and im right about everything

28. last meal on earth?

either a giant platter of shredded duck (hoisin on the side) or a giant platter of salmon. no other components necessary i'll just shovel that shit down w my bare hands

[farfromstrange]

Foreigner's God: Chapter 5

Main Masterlist

Chapter Summary: Eliza knows Matt is Daredevil, but information like this isn't easily accepted without explanation, so that's what she demands of him. New aspects of their pasts are revealed and they're forced to work through their differences that turn out to be not so crucial after all.

Warnings: Graphic mention of suicide and suicidal ideation, description of self-harm scars, mentions of drug abuse, blood, needles, fighting, angst, crying, mentions of religion and God (it's not blasphemous but it's not used in a positive context), Bible spoilers (?), mentions of being taken advantage of, language

Word Count:

A/n: why did I rewrite this while listening to the off-menu podcast with Joe Quinn?? Instead of using sad music, I listen to the curly-haired British man talk about oysters in martinis... I have issues.

Read Chapter 5: Hold Me While You Wait here on AO3!

18+ MINORS DNI

Eliza considered herself smart when it came to learning facts or modifying technology. She wasn’t particularly fond of math, but she liked to read and put her hands on all the practical stuff she could find. Using her brain was therapeutic. She liked gaining knowledge of a variety of things. Her intelligence was like a shield most of the time and she used it plenty to her advantage. She was able to profile a person based on their choice of clothing, figure, or name without ever meeting them. She easily smuggled information out of a crowded gala without getting caught. She was capable of doing most things with absolute ease, without even breaking into a sweat, and yet when it came to piecing together the most obvious puzzle pieces, she failed miserably. The irony of the situation was immaculate. 

That was the reason why she hated puzzles in the first place. They were so easy that they already posed as difficult again. If she’d been better at puzzles, she would’ve figured out way earlier that Matthew Michael Murdock was hiding behind the vigilante also known as Daredevil. She would’ve known the second she stepped into the interrogation room after kicking ass with his alter ego. She should’ve known because if she had, she would’ve had the chance to leave before he even got the chance to manifest his way into her life, rough edges and all. 

If Eliza had known from the beginning, things would’ve never come this far. She could’ve gone back to Tony, allowed him to explain, and then have an open conversation about the truth. The pain she could’ve spared herself by just opening her eyes a little wider went beyond compare.

There he was, Matthew Murdock, Daredevil, lying splayed out on her sofa with five stab wounds total and a heavy blow to his head. Blood tainted her floor. The squishing of flesh sounded deafeningly loud for both of them. 

She didn’t hate him. Eliza didn’t hate Matt, not in the slightest, she couldn’t have even if she had tried hard enough. She was disappointed and felt betrayed also, but she didn’t hate him. Not a single bone in her body was capable of conjuring an ounce of hatred for the man. She didn’t even find the voice to yell at him. She worried about him like an idiot, hoping desperately that he would survive and not slip through her fingers like a corpse. She was naive. Even after lying to her, she still needed him. No matter how angry she was, she knew she would always find her way back to him. It was scary to think that she would go this far for a single person that didn’t even care enough to let her in on the truth. Instead, he played with her. He used the two versions of himself to get exactly what he wanted - her help and undivided attention. He made her believe she was special. Apparently, she intrigued him and he wanted to get to know her. She bared herself to Daredevil, the same man she had to stitch up in her living room, and then Matt Murdock came around and chose to play the same game. It wasn’t different, no matter how many times he insisted it was. She could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. He differentiated between the devil and the lawyer - she didn’t. She couldn’t possibly find a difference because truly, there was none. They were the same person. One part was simply louder than the other. 

“Talk to me,” he broke the silence. His eyes fixated on the space behind her. “What are you thinking?”

Eliza scoffed. The question was pathetic. He didn’t have the right to ask her that, she thought. He didn’t have the right to demand anything from her. It was her turn. She placed the last bandage around his torso. He swallowed the groan with some water. 

“I don’t have any painkillers,” she said instead of answering his question. “I hope you can survive without them.”

“It’s fine,” he said. 

She tossed him the oversized shirt she found on the floor. It was the only one that could’ve possibly fit. “For your modesty, dude.”

“Thanks.”

“Yeah, you better thank me.” 

“You didn’t have to do this.”

“And risk getting arrested for murder? Yeah, no. I’m not going to jail for leaving my lawyer to die in my apartment. I’m not that desperate, but if you think I’m the kind of person that would do something like this just because I am mad at you, I’m sorry, Matt, but you don’t know me at all.”

She tossed the medical supplies back into the first aid kit. Her movements were harsh and uncalculated. The plastic made loud sounds against the bag she got them from. She wasn’t vocally yelling, but her body language was. 

The collection of surgical needles was the last straw. As she lifted them, she lost control of the open package. One after the other tumbled out and onto the carpeted floor. She brought her fist down; the metal that the wooden plate was resting on creaked loudly underneath the weight. The indentation of her hand was small but visible. Matt heard the cracks run through the material. 

Eliza squeezed her lips shut. She had to hide behind the safety of her fingers or she would’ve sobbed. The anger caught in her throat instead, where it laid with the weight of cinder blocks. 

Matt tilted his head to the side. For the first time since finding out about his identity, her heartbeat changed. It picked up in speed. “I’m sorry, okay?” he said. 

She shook her head. “Uh-uh. You don’t get to do that,” she said. “You don’t get to act like this is all normal! It’s not. Sorry doesn’t even remotely cut it for the shit you just pulled. You don’t get to tell me what to do after you took advantage of me. I thought-” She swallowed again. The lump of the broken sob was starting to hurt her vocal cords. “I thought we had something. I thought after everything, we might be able to make it. I was so ready to be happy again. You, Matt Murdock, are a liar and a thief.”

He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth. “How am I a thief?” 

“Because you were ready to steal my heart like it meant nothing.”

“I told you, I’m sorry. Eliza, please.” He reached for her. She denied him physical contact once again by sliding further back on her heels. 

“You lied to me, Matt!” 

“I didn’t lie, I omitted. There’s a difference.” He clutched the blanket on his lap tighter in his hands until his knuckles turned white from the pressure. “I knew that if I told you, you would run,” he said. “You wouldn’t have given me a chance. You wouldn’t have allowed me to help you. We both know you needed it.”

She scoffed. “This is all about you then?”

“That’s not-” he huffed. His jaw clenched and he shifted again, groaning at the pain in his side. “I’m not trying to tell you what you need. I never meant to put you in this position.”

“And yet you did. Didn’t even blink twice,” she said. Her heartbeat grew faster by the second. The initial shock was subsiding and instead, her body had time to process the number of hormones her brain was secreting as a response to the conflict in her soul. “Why? Why me, Matt?” Her eyes softened. The color changed slightly in the dim light. “Why did you do that?” she asked. 

Matt took a deep breath. “The second I sensed you on that roof, I knew you’d be hard to get rid of. And the second that guy first pointed his gun at you, I knew I didn’t want to. I didn’t lie about my feelings, Eliza. I would never lie to you. I tried to hide the truth from you, yeah, because I want what’s best for you, but I didn’t lie.”

“How could any of this be good for me?”

“Please,” he said again. “You just have to trust me.”

“How can I?” Eliza curled her hands in her lap, forming a tight fist. Her nails dug into her palms. She didn’t want to cry, but he made her feel so damn stupid. He made her feel vulnerable and exposed, and that made her feel like a used and discarded object once again. A feeling she was more than familiar with, but knowing it was caused by Matt and not by some random man in a bar or Tony, even, hurt in a much more indescribable way. “What am I supposed to do?” she asked. “I can’t just sit here and take your word for everything you try to promise me. I don’t trust you. I can’t. Physically, it hurts to trust you. It hurts to be even close to you right now.”

His soul was burning. He was the definition of a paint explosion - the color wheel spun in fast circles until it broke apart and she found herself standing in a broken rainbow, he covered in the brightest shades and herself left in black and white. No colors left for her. He took everything and he kept taking until he had soaked up the entire wheel like a sponge. She had to watch as the colors on his soul were fighting for world domination. 

Eliza clenched her fists in her lap. The rough edges of her bitten nails dug into the skin. She shut her eyes. The red took over her irises. Her veins glowed. She tried to swallow it, but her body was fighting a battle against herself.   

“You have every right to be angry,” Matt said. “I’m not telling you not to be. Go ahead, yell at me. Take your anger out on me. I can take it.” 

She exhaled. "No. Matt, that’s not what I meant. I’m not angry, I’m disappointed.”

“But I mean it. I hate that you’re so quiet. Yell, scream, anything, please! Please, just take it out on me. I deserve it.” 

“No!” She was surprised she found the volume of her voice again. While her body was boiling itself alive, it seemed her composure was faltering at the edges. He flinched a little. “Me being disappointed means I still care about you,” she said, regulating her voice once again. She didn’t want to yell, she doubted she even could, but the tone of her voice before had been painfully harsh. It was worse than yelling because it made him feel so small. To think he felt like he deserved to be treated as such broke her, even though she should’ve agreed. He lied to her. Kindness was misplaced in this case.  Eliza wasn’t cruel, she hadn’t been for a long time. Taking her anger out on him was the last thing she would do. “I don’t want to care about you, but I do, which means I can’t hate you in the way you want me to right now. I’m just…sad,” she admitted then. 

“I didn’t ask you to care,” he argued. 

“But you did. You made your way into my life, knowing it’d hurt me if I ever found out the truth about you. That’s as good as asking me to care so you wouldn’t lose me.”

“You’re right, I can’t-“ he shifted again, his voice suddenly thick with something else. “I can’t lose you. I can’t.”

“Then tell me the truth!” she didn’t raise her voice, but it was higher and it broke halfway through the sentence. Matt shuddered at the pain-filled tone. His lip began to tremble and his eyes burned red. “Tell me,” she whispered. 

“I was following you home from the party. This guy was climbing on your roof with a gun and a knife. I couldn’t hear him until I reached your apartment. I heard his weapons and I knew he didn’t come here just to talk. I confronted him, we fought, and he stabbed me. He didn’t tell me why, but there was something about him. I didn’t have a choice.”

“What?”

“I threw him off before I came here,” he said. “I doubt he’ll bother you again. An ambulance picked him up about half an hour ago. Still, there’s a high chance someone else might try again. They know where you live.”

Eliza got up from the floor. Her legs wobbled. “Jesus Christ! This just keeps getting worse and worse. You’re saying Hydra did this?” she pointed at his chest.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Jesus, fuck !”

“You’re in danger, Eliza. It isn’t safe for you to be alone right now. I did what I had to do to protect you.”

“I knew that, smartass! Why were you following me, anyway?”

“I was worried.”

“Worried? Fuck you! You’re not my knight in shining armor and I’m not a damsel in distress. I don’t need you to fight my battles for me. If someone wants to kill me, they can try. It’s not your job to protect me.” 

Matt let his head hang low. “I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to you,” he said. 

“So that’s just it? Just like that, it’s justified that you jumped and played the hero, again? ‘I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to you’, fuck that! I don’t believe you.”

“Eliza.”

“I’m sorry that it’s kinda hard for me to trust you right now.” She pulled at her hair. “I mean, are you even really blind?” she asked. “Or was it- was it all just an act?”

“It’s… complicated.”

“So you can see?” Eliza stood up. She’d had enough. “Great, even that part about you was fake.”

“No!” he finally caught her. His hand wrapped around her wrist tightly. She stopped, trapped in his grasp before she could leave. “Sit down, please. I wanna explain it to you, just… give me time. Five minutes. That’s all I need.”

“Five minutes won’t make it right,” she said through gritted teeth. His touch hurt.

“But I can try. Let me try.”

She huffed out, “Fine.” She knelt back down on the carpet in front of him, still afraid to sit next to him. The floor seemed like a much better choice at the time, although it was cold and she was already shaking uncontrollably in his presence. 

“I’m blind,” he said. “I am. I would never lie about that.”

She considered his words. “Then how do you fight like that, if you can’t see?” she challenged. 

“How do you fight?” 

“What?”

“I learned it the same way you did. The only difference is that I only have four senses and you have five.” 

“That just seems so…” she frowned. 

“Impossible?” he smiled.

“Yeah.”

“I wasn’t born blind,” he stated. “I was in an accident when I was a kid. Got a bunch of chemicals splashed into my eyes ‘cause I decided to save a man’s life. My dad came after it happened, but I could still see when he found me. A couple of minutes later and everything went black. He was the last person I saw before- well, I woke up blind in that damn hospital bed.”

Eliza hugged her legs to her chest. She pouted at this 5’9” man splayed on her sofa, bloodied and bruised, and the unshed tears glistened in his eyes. He tried so hard to keep his composure. The pain in his chest was immense. He’d never truly allowed himself to feel it. She sucked in a sharp breath. He was feeling so much all at once, that it took her off guard. 

“That’s horrible,” she said. 

“Yeah. Well, the fact I can’t see isn’t even the worst part, no.” His chuckle turned into a broken sob. “The worst part is that I have to stare into this dark void every day. I woke up blind in the hospital. From one second to the other, the world just went black. It’s an endless pit you stare into. I open my eyes and it’s dark, I close them and it’s dark too. It’s the kind of darkness that goes beyond being blind.” 

Eliza squeezed her eyes shut. She tried to tune out the despair, tried to focus on herself, but Matt crawled his way into her heart. She felt him even when she didn’t want to. He was holding onto her, desperately clawing without even touching. Her lips formed a thin line. Matt flinched under the touch of her hand on his arm. She wanted to ease his pain, but for the first time, she didn’t know how. The pain made her feel alive and dead at the same time. The full force hit her when she finally touched him. Her heart contracted. She choked on the air. His soul imploded right before her inner eye. She couldn’t catch the pieces before they went soaring into space. The colors were so much more vivid in the light of his words. She tightened her hold, the metaphysical one, and tugged at him hard. He didn’t feel it, he couldn’t. He couldn’t even see her eyes when she looked at him and all the color that used to be there vanished into deep crimson red. 

“Then what happened?” she asked quietly. “How did you learn to fight like that?”

“After the accident, my other senses heightened. Touch, smell, hearing, taste. I couldn’t… I didn’t know how to take it. I didn’t know what to do.”

“That explains a lot.”

“My dad died.”

She wasn’t prepared for that. Blue and violet mixed. 

“My dad died. I never knew my mom. My dad raised me so without him, I had no one. That’s how I became catholic. I grew up in the Saint Agnes orphanage here in Hell’s Kitchen. The nuns took good care of me, but as I said, I struggled to accept what happened to me. They didn’t know, no one did. The official truth is that I was blinded in the accident; my heightened senses were and still are a secret. I didn’t know how to tell anyone about it because it sounds so stupid when you say it out loud, so I decided not to. I, uh, lost a lot that night my father died, more than the day of the accident. I lost everything.”

“So you can see, metaphorically?”

“I paint pictures through my senses, yes.”

“Oh, God.”

“It’s too much,” he said. “Everything’s so loud, it’s deafening. All I could feel back then was this- this grief that consumed me. The people and the world seemed against me. I heard them talking about me, you know.” He scoffed. “They talked and talked behind my back, not knowing I could hear every bad word or utterance of pity they threw my way. I couldn’t handle it. I hated being the weak one, the lost boy no one wanted to play with. I hated being the talk of the town.” His soul began to glow bright red. “I was a lost boy. The basket case. Everyone was afraid to touch me. They thought I would break. I made it hard for them, I heard it. I was their biggest concern and the reason why the tension was so high in the place back then. Everywhere I went, the whispers followed me, and so at night, when I was finally alone, the sounds of the day and the night came back to haunt me in my sleep.” Sobs wrecked his body. He tried so hard to hold it back, but the more he tried, the more he cried. He pressed the palms of his hands into his eye sockets.

Eliza tightened her touch. “I’m so sorry,” she said.

“I prayed, every day, every night. I turned to God for answers, I prayed until my knees were bloodied and bruised, and I had memorized the whole fucking bible by heart. I wore this stupid cross-“ he pulled at the golden chain hanging over his mutilated skin. It glistened in the soft yellow light, “in hopes it’d keep me closer to God. Faith was the only thing they said would always be on my side and even he disappointed me.” 

She didn’t dare interrupt him. He was so very broken, the shell of the man he used to be. He had no one. Matt Murdock was hanging on by a thread, she saw that now. He continued pulling at his necklace. She couldn’t watch him do this to himself. With gentle fingers, she reached for the clasp behind his neck and undid the cross. The golden chain scratched her fingertips. 

He exhaled, almost in relief. “Night after night I had nightmares. Everyone I loved left me. I was alone. People kept walking out on me so I stopped asking for things,” he said. “I thought I was cursed. God didn’t care about that. All this praying and nothing worked. So I isolated myself. I thought that maybe if I tried… I just wanted to get through to God. I wanted to look him in the eye and have him tell me everything was going to be alright. I tried because I was seeking redemption for everything that was wrong with me.” 

She choked up. The necklace dangled loosely in her hands. The cross was laced with so many bad memories, so much pain, yet he insisted on wearing it. She wanted to rip it apart, she wanted to burn it into oblivion, maybe that would’ve made it better, but it could never fix what was already broken.

“Suicide is a sin, you know. In the bible, at least.”

“Oh, God. Matt-”

He had shifted himself into a seating position. Painful emptiness reflected off of him. Sweat laced his forehead. Deep inside of him, the same thoughts that dominated back then stood buried. 

“Some people in the scripture felt deep despair in life. Solomon, in pursuit of pleasure, reached the point where he hated life. Elijah was fearful and yearned for death. Jonah was angry at God that he wished to die. Even Paul the apostle and missionary companions said they were under great pressure, far beyond the ability to endure, so that they despaired of life itself.”

She wanted to tell him to stop. She didn’t want to hear what the bible had to say about ending your own life. People choose to commit suicide for a reason. Eliza didn’t want to hear it because she, herself, had been at the point where the pain seemed far beyond her ability to endure. Did you know that an overdose of paracetamol is sure to cause your heart to stop? 

“Solomon learned that we need to fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind,” Matt recited. He chuckled angrily through his tears. “I thought that, if I prayed hard enough, God would comfort me before I could do something I would regret. They say the Lord can bear all things. This happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead . It’s so stupid. God didn’t listen and I was so done with being in pain that I didn’t see any other choice but to do the one thing I swore to God himself I would never do.”

Eliza was supposed to cheer him up, right? Act like he could make it through everything if he just believed hard enough. Well, she was the last person to put the words into her mouth. Not when she felt the same way. She experienced the pain he went through. She knew it wasn’t easy to get rid of. Pain becomes a part of you, and so does the grief. The only right thing is learning to live with it, but even that is the most painful thing you can ever experience.

“It didn’t work,” he said eventually. His brown eyes were dead. “I mean, I’m here. I’m still blind. Turns out, a box of aspirin doesn’t do the trick.”

She choked. “God!” her sob broke the sound barrier. He tilted his head her way, suddenly concerned. The tears streamed down her face freely. It was needless to try and stop them. Her entire chest vibrated and she felt her muscles shake from the pressure of trying to keep the memories stacked away. She couldn’t, not when he was talking about something she recognized so well. 

She wiped her nose. It was disgusting to do it with her fingers, but she didn’t have any tissues around. The turns burned her cracked lips. “Is that why you believe God made you blind for a reason?” she asked. “You think it’s your purpose to suffer?”

He shuddered. “I-”

“Do you think because you weren’t able to kill yourself that you’re supposed to suffer now? That being blinded by chemicals and getting heightened senses that would even drive you as far has good reasoning behind it?”

What broke her most was seeing Matt nod without any fight left in him. 

“God, Matt. I am so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“It’s not yours either. Jesus,” she said. “I can’t- you could’ve told me earlier! I would’ve been angry, sure, but I would’ve understood.”

“You don’t know that,” he said. 

“I do.”

“How?”

“I just…” she shook her head slowly. “I just know.”

“Do you?”

Eliza turned her wrist towards the ceiling. Under the yellow light, the white lines were barely visible. She took his hand and placed his fingers on the pulse point, veins poking through the skin in light blue. He frowned at first, but then she traced his fingers along her skin and he understood. 

“I know,” she said, “because I understand .”

His eyes fell as the realization dawned on him. 

“Oh no,” he said. 

“Yeah. You see it now?” 

He nodded. 

“I didn’t turn to religion, but the world still failed me. I failed myself, so I hurt myself. Did God help you, Matthew? Because he sure as hell doesn’t sound like he cares about people like us, the freaks, the do-no-good kids, the orphans, the people who are thrust into a world of pain and self-mutilation. He doesn’t care about those of us who struggle with the person we became. You say he made us this way for a reason, but why would he if he doesn’t even have it in himself to care about those who suffer for the same reason?”

“Stick.” He danced around her question, leaving her empty-handed. “An old, blind man. He taught me how to fight.” His fingers stayed on the faded scars on her wrist, the many battle wounds she got fighting herself. Places where she tried to cut the pain out of her flesh and replace it with sweet relief. The hope only lasted for so long. 

“How does he fight?”

“Practice,” he said. “He was the one who made me feel less like one of the freaks. He taught me how to stand up for what’s right. Made me feel less alone.”

Her lips curled up into a smile, finally. He heard it. “And you didn’t try again?” she asked. 

“No,” he shook his head. 

“Do you miss it then? Seeing, I mean.”

He shook his head again. “I’ve learned to live with it. I accepted that sight is overrated. I don’t need to see to know certain things. I don’t miss being able to see, as stupid as that might sound,” he said. “Sometimes I wish I could see the sky one more time, even if it’s just for a minute. Watch the sunrise over the New York skyline with someone I- someone I love. I’ve never had that, you know. Sometimes, when I can’t bear it anymore, I go to the roof and imagine what the sky looks like. I have a really bad imagination, always have, so it doesn’t work. I like to believe I can think of old pictures and project them into my imagination, but I can’t. Sometimes, with everyone treating me the way they do, I just wish to be what everyone thinks of as normal .” 

“I understand that.” She did. Maybe not in the same way he did, but she knew what it was like to wish for things you can never get back. To accept life but still long for more, for something that passed by you and might never return. “What I don’t understand,” – Matt tensed at her tone – “Why did you choose to become Daredevil then? Why did you choose to sacrifice your life for this… madness ?” 

He scoffed. The tears already stood back in line, waiting for their free pass. “The world is so loud, Eliza. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t fucking breathe. Right now, I can hear the woman next door fighting with her husband over the phone bill. Your downstairs neighbors just brought their newborn baby home and he’s screaming his lungs out. Their neighbor is listening to the baby cry while crying herself to sleep because she just had a miscarriage. Imagine you have to sit at home at night, listening to the police fail to be everywhere at once. People are dying, and people getting hurt because the police just aren’t enough to enforce justice. I can’t just sit around and listen to people losing their lives around me and not do anything about it.”

“But did you ever stop and think about the people that care about you?” Eliza said.

“I do this to keep you save!” he rose his voice. “You, Foggy, Karen. I don’t do this for me, I do it for this city and the people that I care about.”

“So we just have to watch you get hurt over and over again, is that it? You’re gonna fight until you eventually die? What if there’s no one to patch you up, what then? What if you end up over your head again, like that night at the butcher shop? Do you think Foggy and Karen could live with that?”

“I think about it, every day.”

“Do they know then?”

He flared his nostrils. “Foggy does,” the admission was so quiet, that she almost overheard it.

“Karen doesn’t,” she wasn’t asking.

“No, she doesn’t.”

Eliza removed her comforting hand, settling back down with all limbs pulled flush against her body. “I don’t know what you two had or have,” she said, “but I do know that Karen cares deeply for you. She loves you. You lead this double life and don’t even think about letting your friends in on it? You would’ve kept lying to me. I don’t doubt you do the same shit to Foggy and Karen all the time.”

“Why are you suddenly acting like I’m the bad guy?” His teary voice steadied. Instead, he became angry. 

“You sabotage yourself, Matt!” she clapped back. “You hurt those around you without even realizing it. Your friends and family should come before being a bloodthirsty vigilante.”

“You’re the one who joined a group of heroes. Don’t act like we’re so different.”

“At least my friends and family knew who I was! I signed up to be an Avenger to help people, but I didn��t invent a whole new persona to do so. I put on a suit and kept my name. I kept my face. You need to think about where your priorities lie.”

“Oh, my priorities are straight.”

“They’re not. They’re all over the place, Matt!”

“The city needs me in that mask, Eliza!”

She flinched. The way he delivered the words came close to being a punch to the gut. Matt’s face didn’t show any signs of cracking. He pouted, biting down on his lip, anything to keep himself from crying. 

“That’s just the thing,” she said with a sigh. “Everything’s so easily justified by saying ‘I had to’. You say the city needs you in that mask, that you do what you need to do – do you even listen to yourself? You’re so deep into Daredevil’s story that you forget who you truly are. People care about you, Matt! Your friends deserve to know the truth or they don’t deserve you at all. It’s not your choice to decide if they need protection. You can’t just sacrifice everything and say ‘I had to!’ every time you’re confronted. That’s not heroic, that’s selfish.” 

Eliza noted that while he didn’t look like it, Matt was a very emotional person, desperate for someone to hold him, to make the pain go away. While she wanted to be that someone, she also knew he didn’t deserve it. Not just yet. The sight of him crying still managed to cut straight through her. He didn’t speak for two whole minutes. She thought his record was broken, but when she chose to get up and discard the bloody first-aid supplies, unexpected words came flooding out of him.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I know that I hurt my friends but it seems like a better choice than watching them die.”

The water ran hot over Eliza’s fingers. While she wore gloves to stitch him up, the blood from pulling him onto the sofa stuck heavily to her skin. “You think too much about doing the right thing that you don’t realize that you’re acting like a selfish prick,” she said.

The ceiling lamp cast a shadow on Matt. She saw the tears glistening on his cheeks, the way his tongue darted over his lips, and the shadow of a bruise on his jaw growing in size. 

“Every time I look into my friends’ eyes, I see how much they hurt. It’d be so much easier if they didn’t. What I do, it’s not safe for the people around me. Foggy and Karen almost got blown up because I couldn’t stop going after Fisk. So many people almost died because of me, because of who I am. If I just push them away, and put space between them and Daredevil, I know I can protect them. Matt Murdock is weak but Daredevil, he’s the man this city needs.“ 

“But he’s not the man his friends need.”

“Yeah, his friends deserve someone better.”

“And yet you still stick around. This only shows that you still care about them. You’re just too trapped in your head to realize that your friends care about you, too. They won’t leave you just because you’re Daredevil, and I’m sure you’d still be able to protect them if anything were to happen, no matter how far apart or close you guys are.”

Matt sighed. The silence haunted him. “How do you do it?” he asked. 

“Do what?” Eliza asked.

“Always know to say the right thing.” 

“I don’t.” She dried her hands. “I just need you to understand that you’re not alone, Matt. You don’t want to be, I know it. But if you keep pushing people away, you might as well lock yourself in your apartment indefinitely. If you keep this up, the only friend you’re gonna have left is loneliness. Loneliness kills you slowly, burns you from the inside out, and destroys all hope you might have left. It’s the last thing anyone wants unless they want to permanently torture themselves.”

“I just feel like…” he struggled to find the words. His eyes squeezed shut. He groaned, in pain. Eventually, he spoke again. “I feel like this is all I am,” he said. “I’m supposed to be lonely.”

Eliza let out an exasperated sigh. She dropped the towel next to the sink, her hands landing with a loud ‘thud’. “You know what I think?” she asked.

“What?”

“The reason you think you’re supposed to be alone is that back then, you lost everything. Your mother left, and your dad died. The two people every child should be able to rely on left you. You had to deal with your blindness on top of your grief, your heightened senses, and the sudden feeling of loneliness. You couldn’t deal, you were just a kid.”

Matt pressed his lips together. He wanted to scream, wanted to tell her to stop, but her pace was relentless. The words came straight and narrow, making their way through the crevices in his heart. 

“You were in so much pain, but eventually the people at the orphanage decided they couldn’t look after you all the time, so you locked yourself away,” she said. “You built up a wall to protect yourself. The people you relied on all walked out on you and you accepted it as your fate. You’re scared that if you let anyone close, they might do the same to you. Walk out. So you push them away to spare yourself the pain. Every time someone opens the door, you’re afraid they might never come back. If you keep them at a distance though, they can’t hurt you. That’s what you think.”

“Stop,” he begged.

Eliza shook her head. “No, you’re gonna listen. You need to open your eyes and see the truth for once in your life.”

“You’re wrong.”

“Matt, you need to stop! Your mind is so twisted to make you believe you don’t deserve to be happy or held, that you forget to separate the voices in your head from reality. You believe the lies you’re feeding yourself and it warps your view of what’s right in front of you. People love you and you don’t even see it because your mind is so distorted. Let me tell you something,” she told him. “You’re not alone, you’re loved and the voices in your head are merely monsters that want to stop you from being happy. It’s your past self telling you to stay the broken little boy you used to be.”

“It’s who I am,” Matt argued.

“It’s like talking to a wall.” She threw her hands up, trying to make her point clearer.

“You don’t understand, I can’t stop.”  He was crying again, violently. The man before her was broken into tiny little pieces and she needed to put them together. His soul was continuously spinning in a blender.

Eliza whined. “Jesus, Matthew, I’m not asking you to stop!” she said. 

She walked around the sofa, kneeling next to his head. Matt followed her movements. She reached for his hand, cradling it. The anger had long subsided. All that was left was the desperate need to fix him. 

“You’ve got demons in your head, darling, and you have to learn to exorcise them.” 

A tear made its way down his bare chest. 

“If you don’t, you’ll never be free of this paralyzing pain that’s keeping you going right now. These demons set out to ruin everything good in your vicinity. You need to stop before you hurt yourself. That is something neither I nor your friends could deal with, no matter how many times you disappoint us. What you have with Foggy and Karen is good. Don’t let the darkness take over. Don’t let those demons ruin every good thing that comes your way. You’re better than this, Matt. You’re a better man than the one you make yourself out to be. You can be if you try.”

He sobbed quietly. “It seems like all I can do is fail. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t… I don’t know what to do, Eliza. I can’t-“ his voice broke. “I can’t take another step.”

“I know,” she said. She placed her hands on his cheeks, tracing the tears so they’d pearl off her fingers. “The city needs Daredevil, but I need Matt Murdock. So do Foggy and Karen. And you’re not alone. You’re not the only one with baggage.”

He hesitantly reached out for her face. She closed her eyes as his rough fingers stroked along her skin. “I pray every day. I go to confession, I repent for my sins. I’ve been to church so many times, I lost count,” - he chuckled. “I listen to your heartbeat as if it’s the only thing in this world I can count on. I desperately needed someone to catch me before I fell. If I could fall on my knees right now, I would. I’d pray at your feet. Faith has been the hardest challenge of my life but being with you makes it easier. You make me believe again. There’s just something about you that makes me feel alive.” He inched closer. His thigh brushed hers.

“Matthew,” she warned. “Stop.”

“What?” he asked. “What’s wrong?”

Eliza removed his hand. “Everything.”

Her footsteps retreated to somewhere in the kitchen. He wanted to ask, but he didn’t know what or how. The questions lay on the tip of his tongue, but he was paralyzed. 

“You can’t just touch me like that and expect we’re okay now.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“I know you didn’t.” She reached into the cabinet next to the stove. Glasses clinked. She rummaged through the storage until she got her hands on what she wanted. The air filled with the thick stench of alcohol. 

Matt swallowed heavily. “I’m sorry.”

Eliza placed the bottle of liquor on the counter, hands on either side. She watched the back of his head from his place on the sofa. Dried blood coated his skin. Even with a towel, there was little she could do without a shower to rid him of the sticky substance. She still felt his blood on her hands long after she had washed it off. 

She capped the bottle. “It hurts,” she whispered. “Touching you… it hurts.”

She wasn’t even lying. His pain tore her apart. Touching him reminded her of the electrical current Hydra used to punish her. The fire it ignited within her was untamable. He was in so much emotional agony that she doubted her powers could’ve done much other than damage control. She couldn’t touch herself and make the pain go away. She couldn’t carry his baggage without hurting herself. Her soul was heavy, her heart broken, and there was no way out of this hellhole. Touching him hurt because she simply wasn’t strong enough for the both of them. 

His shoulders heaved slightly. She heard him struggle to breathe. She could tell he was fighting the tears that threatened to come. “Why?” the question sounded broken. 

Eliza sighed into the open bottle. Her breath echoed off the glass. “Because when I do, I feel all of you, and all of you is too much for so little of me,” she said. 

Matt turned around. “All of it?” he asked. 

She nodded. “All of it.”

“How?”

“I honestly don’t know.”

The confession cut sharply across the room. 

“Explain it to me, then. I want to learn.”

The tequila burned its way down her esophagus and into her stomach. She frowned at the harsh taste. The bottle was old, the expensive kind. She remembered receiving the gift in the mail. One of Tony’s associates decided to spoil her and ordered the bottle just for her. All this time, she refused to open it. She kept it stored away between bottles of cheap vodka and whiskey, hoping for the right time to christen it. She expected the occasion to be happy, a celebratory shot of tequila to end a beautiful day, but such times appeared too far in the future to waste time waiting. She took another sip. It was awful, but the liquor was strong and she knew the buzz wasn’t so far off. 

Matt lifted his unseeing eyes when he heard the sudden drop of two glasses on the table. She placed one on his side and one on her own. “This is gonna make this much easier,” she told him. She filled his glass about halfway before she stopped to do the same to her own. 

“Thanks,” he said quietly as she handed him his drink. He could’ve smelled the unholy sharp scent of the contents from miles away. His nostrils flared and he cringed slightly. “Ugh, what’s that?”

“Tequila.”

“Does it taste as bad as it smells?”

“Yeah.”

He downed it in one gulp. Eliza raised her eyebrows, surprised at his sudden boldness. His features contorted. He almost puked. “Jesus!” he coughed. “God, how do you even drink that stuff?”

“I swallow it and hope I don’t choke.”

“Ah. Nice trick.” He searched for the bottle. “Well, as long as it does the job.”

She chuckled. “Do you really want to know?”

“About the tequila?”

“No, about me.”

Matt hummed, understanding her question better. “I showed you mine,” he said. 

“That’s because you’re the one who screwed up,” she retorted. 

“I would like to learn.” His irises carried specks of honey and gold in the teddy bear brown. They were wide and willing to learn. He smiled at her. “Please?”

Eliza took another shot. She wasn’t quite sure what convinced her to turn the key and allow the gates to open. The liquor surely played a big part in the decision. She stared at the droplets of brown tequila in her glass, then back at the man on her sofa. Her lips parted again and she let out a pained sigh. “Fine,” she caved in. 

The bottle was already half empty by the time she poured herself another glass. 

“I used to kill people for a living.”

His ears perked up at the reveal, fists clenching around the blanket once again. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking, though he wasn’t sure himself.

“Hydra took me when I was a kid.” She swirled the liquor around. “My parents are both dead. They killed them before they took me, or so I’ve been told. I, uh, I don’t remember. I only remember bits and pieces of what they did to me. They experimented on me, but you knew that already. All because I was born like this. If I’d been born in any other body, they wouldn’t have taken me and I could be happy now, but your precious God bore me into a body that is a cage. I never had a choice.”

Matt pinched his brows. “The whole thing makes so much more sense now,” he murmured. 

“I wasn’t the only one they took. I remembered that there were several children in the White Room-”

“The White Room?”

“Yeah. It was only called that because all of the walls were white and it looked like asylum in there. And you know, white is considered a pure color. We were considered pure.”

“Oh.” He took another sip. “Why?” he asked between the taste of tequila on his tongue and the distinctive scent dominating his nose. “Because you were born like this?”

Eliza nodded. “Yeah,” she added, realizing he couldn’t see her. “I’m the only child that survived the torture. After I did, I was put through training. They taught me how to fight, how to maim, how to kill … They taught me how to be a ghost and get the job done. They, uh, mentally conditioned me to follow their every order. They brainwashed me. That’s why I don’t remember. They wanted me to forget, so they fried my brain. There’s just one thing they never took away - The memory of the faces of my victims. I won’t ever forget them.”

He fisted the blanket. “What are you, exactly?”

“What?”

“What can you do? You say it hurts you to touch me. I want to know why.”

“I’ve got powers.” She sighed. “I was born with them. Hydra modified them to fit their agenda. My purpose was to manipulate and destroy, so that’s what they made out of me.”

He cocked his head. 

“I can feel things, is what I’m saying,” she explained. “It hurts to touch you because when I do, I can feel your emotions. All of them. I can see the pain you’re in and I feel every last bit of it. Uh, do you remember what colors look like?”

“Yeah.”

“I like to call it the color wheel of emotions. Every category has its own colors. Anger is red, grief is blue, loathing is purple, amazement, terror, and admiration are all green, but in different shades. Extacy is yellow and vigilance is orange. The shades under every category sum up a different emotion that falls into said category. Since feelings are hard to explain, every soul is a mix of colors and whenever I attempt to understand a person further, I can see their colors loud and clear. Like one of those LED light strips you can change with a remote, only with the soul, the color wheel is unpredictable.” She took a deep sip of tequila. “When someone’s broken, it’s like staring straight into the face of disaster. It’s not pretty, it’s really, really ugly.”

“So what color am I?” Matt asked.

“You’re all of them,” Eliza said. “Your soul is damaged. I wasn’t trying to make a connection, but I got attached to you. I allowed myself to touch your soul and God, Matt! It hurts. It hurts so much and I can’t do anything about it because there’s just so much pain inside of you. I feel your pain and at the same time I can feel mine and it’s just too damn much! I don’t know how else to explain it.”

“You’re attached to me?” 

“Fuck!” she cried. “Yes, I am. I don’t know what else you expected to happen with a story like that. I’m as sensitive as a landmine when it comes to forming unhealthy emotional attachments because all I want to do is help. My powers caused so much pain once, but that’s not me anymore, so I try to stop as much pain as I can to repent for my sins. I didn’t want to let you have this effect on me, but it’s you. It’s hard not to feel for you, Matthew.”

“I’m sorry.” His brown eyes appeared two shades darker than before, the look of a puppy on his face. 

She dropped her head between her shoulders. “Don’t be sorry,” she said while shaking her head to the beat of nothing. “It’s not your fault. If anything, it’s mine for allowing myself to let me feel you this way. I mean, I can manipulate the soul, literally,” - she chuckled bitterly - “But when it comes to figuring out mine, I’m as human as everyone else.”

Matt licked his lips clean of the hard liquor just to pour himself another shot. “So you didn’t feel that Daredevil and I are, you know, kind of the same?” he dared to ask. He supposed the question hadn’t been bothering just him. She seemed to have thought about it more than once. She grunted, the glass clinking against her teeth in a rough sip. 

Eliza looked at him, then back at the bottle of tequila. She sighed again. The sounds came deep from within her chest, pure expressions of pent-up frustration. Her muscles were tense enough for him to hear it in her movements, even the sound of her voice changed as her jaw clenched tightly. “I should’ve felt that something was up with you, but the soul is complicated to translate,” she stated. “It never looks and feels the same and since I wasn’t trying to connect to either you or Daredevil, there was no way for me to tell. I mean, I didn’t know what I was looking for. It sounds so easy. Like, I can feel and see the soul and I can tell so much about a person just with that information, but it doesn’t tell me a name. It’s pretty hard to differentiate based solely on what I can feel. Your soul doesn’t talk to me. I had no clue that you’re Daredevil. But I also hadn’t established this bond before, so maybe If I had taken my time to feel you a bit closer that night on the roof, I would’ve been able to tell, but I didn’t, so… yeah, I don’t think I’m capable of even doing that.”

“Isn’t part of your job description that you can figure out someone’s disguise?” He was joking then. 

She tilted her head. “You’re blind,” she stated. “That’s actually the best fucking disguise there is and you don’t even have to try. Trust me, I had no clue. I got that tingle once, something familiar about you when we had lunch together, but I get that tingle often. It’s more common than you think.”

“Well,” he chuckled, “I didn’t mean for you to find out like this. I kinda wish you would’ve figured it out some other time and some other way.”

She joined in curtly. She was trying to laugh, but the tension crushed her voice into tiny little pieces. “Yeah. You know, it’s fucking frustrating I don’t even know how to properly use my powers because I get so overwhelmed sometimes. I wish it would make sense for once, but it doesn’t. I don’t make any sense. And I want to touch you, I do, but I can’t and it’s killing me that I can’t help you out of this hell as I should be.” Her voice broke, as did the tears. She let her face fall into the one propped-up hand on her knee, the other still cradling the glass of alcohol. “I’m sorry,” she sobbed. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to cry.”

She looked up at him to find his cheeks wet. It took all of his control not to get up and grab her to cradle her into his arms. She saw the struggle on his face.  

“I’m so sorry I did this to you.” Matt gently slid a hand over the table. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“It’s not just you!” she snapped. “It’s fucking everyone! I can’t even go out without getting the feeling I might explode. You say your senses are heightened? Well, imagine that but only with emotions. There is so much pain in the world. People’s souls are shredded, and some are beyond repair. When you hear heartbeats, I hear the soul. It’s like a flower shop exploded and I have severe allergies to all of the flowers. The colors just mix without reason and it hurts my eyes.”

She got up.

“I don’t even have to try. I manage to distract myself most of the time, but once I see someone - actively see them - it’s over for me. I feel everything. I can even see why they feel the way they do. The woman downstairs that just had a miscarriage? Pain. So much pain. Too much for a single person to carry. Maybe the man across the street lost his son recently – I see him and I can only imagine the way he died. I’m so overstimulated that my emotions get all mixed up too.”

His hand still rested on the table. Eliza shook her head violently. “As soon as I’m on the battlefield, I’m a different person. I know how to control it, but only then. I have vivid dreams, I watch people die before my eyes every night, or the men that experimented on me drill things into my body,” she said. The air was getting thinner. “I feel my pain every time I dream, but those flashbacks still feel like experiences from another person. The girl that I was is so far away.”

“Eliza Bennett isn’t your real name,” he said.

“Of course, it’s not. Do you really think Hydra would let me keep my name? You saw what they’re like. No, I don’t know who I was before, so they gave me a new identity when I got out.”

“Do you ever wonder?”

“All the time. After the files got released, I searched for myself, but I don’t exist. Not even in the Hydra files. Project Chaos is marked as failed. It didn’t fail. I’m here, I’m alive. I just… I want to know who I was. I want to know why I have to feel fucking everything. I want to know who my parents were and I want to know why the fuck I was the only one who survived. I don’t want to be empty anymore. I want to be someone and I want to feel happy .”

“Yeah, I get that.”

“No, you don’t! This is something no one gets!” She tasted salt on her tongue. Her voice wavered.  “I can’t deal with not knowing who I am, who I was,” she said. “I can’t deal with these powers raging through me, the uncertainty of it all. I just can’t. That’s why I turned to painkillers. They made me numb to everything around me. I never needed anything more than that. I never planned for it to get out of control. I thought I knew how much I could take, but I was wrong. One night, I took two pills too many and the next morning I woke up in a hospital bed. It’s so fucked up to think I ever let it get that far.” She took the bottle again. This time, she didn’t bother with the glass. “I thought I could live without getting high, you know. I went to rehab for a reason. I thought I could meditate or something, but fuck! I can’t. I’m not strong enough. I can’t live with myself. I never could. At least when I was a cold-blooded killer, I didn’t care about anything other than to serve.”

“Eliza, wait-”

“I decided to turn to alcohol. Better than drugs but still serves the same purpose. It’s the only thing that fucking numbs me. Causing myself pain makes me forget about all the despair I have to feel in the atmosphere. I know it’s wrong but if you were me, I assure you, you would do the same.”

He didn’t speak for another minute. She had almost finished the bottle on her own. Her heartbeat was off the rails. “Okay, that’s it,” he said. He reached for the bottle. Eliza protested, but he managed to pull it from her grasp in her drunken haze. 

She pouted. “Give that back to me!” her voice cracked. “Matthew!”

“No. You’ve had enough.” 

“Fuck you! You don’t get to tell me what to do. May I remind you that you were the one who lied to me? You go out at night as an entirely different person and now you ridicule me because of my bad coping mechanisms? You’re a hypocrite, Matt Murdock! Beating people up is an addiction, too. You risk everything, for what? Because you feel like this is your purpose? This is so stupid. You’re stupid if you really think this is true. The pathetic wish of a boy who was forced to grow up too fast. Well, let me tell you something,” she spat, “Trying to enforce justice now in the name of God won’t make him forgive you for trying to end your life back then!”

Matt scowled. “Eliza, I think this is going too far now,” he warned. 

“Why? Can’t handle the truth, Matthew?” she cocked an eyebrow. “Attempted suicide is still suicide and you said it yourself, suicide is a sin. You can’t repent for everything you’ve done. Your ledger is dripping red - Daredevil won’t make you into a hero just because you believe so. It doesn’t work that way! And if you truly believe your friends will just continue to stand by and watch you hurt yourself over and over again, I feel sorry for you. They won’t. If you keep going, they will leave and it’s gonna be your fault!” She pointed her finger at him. “Like everything is your fault. You did this. You put yourself in this position. No one else is to blame but you, you stupid, fucking dickhead! There is not a second that goes by where I don’t regret meeting you.”

He snapped, “Stop!” 

While his voice echoed in her ears, her skin was already burning again. She felt the power charge in her eyes. Control slipped from her fingers. “You know what we would call someone like you if you were an Avenger?” she asked. “A coward. You’re afraid to go the full mile because of God, but what you’re doing is already worse than what a mighty deity like him could forgive. You’re not going to heaven, Matthew. You’re going to hell like everyone else on this godforsaken planet ‘cause good and evil don’t exist! We’re all villains at the end of the day, some more than others, you’re just too blind to realize that.”

Matt grabbed her wrist. “Hey,” he said sternly. “Would you stop? I know you don’t mean it, but you’re starting to piss me off.”

She scoffed. “Repentance is a lie. It’s not real. The Devil isn’t real. We will all eventually fall into the void of fire and then we’ll be dead. Forgiveness is a lie and life after death doesn’t exist, don’t you get that?” She pulled at his hands. “We’re all cursed. All of us.”

“You’re drunk.”

“I’m stone-cold sober. It’s you who doesn’t want to see the truth.”

“Look me in the eyes and tell me that you truly believe it,” he said. His unseeing gaze burned into hers. “Tell me it’s my fault my life is going to shit and I will stop. Tell me you hate me and I’ll go.”

Eliza flared her nostrils. “I-” but the honey specks in his eyes were too honest, too mesmerizing and she was in too much pain to admit something that came out of her mouth without reason. 

“That’s what I thought.” Matt nodded. “Can’t say it, can you?”

“Fuck you,” she spat back. 

“Yeah, alright.” He suddenly pulled hard at her wrist in his hand. She stumbled over him, face first into the couch, though he caught her before she could hit the cushion and pulled her writhing body back against his. 

His touch burned. She sobbed when he wrapped his arms around her to pull her into his chest. It was too much. He was in her blood. She felt him, she breathed him. 

“Let me go! I fucking hate you, you hear me? You’re selfish and a liar! I meant every last word I said. You’re the creator of your own disaster. This is all your fault. This-” he reached around her shoulders. His heart hammered against her back. “This is-” she choked up. “This is your fault,” she said, but her voice was soft and barely above a whisper. “I hate you so much,” - she leaned her head back against him - “Oh, God, it hurts. I can’t breathe.”

He buried his nose in the crown of her head. “I know,” he whispered. “Listen to my heart. C’mon. You’re gonna be fine. See?” He guided her fingers around his wrist, fingers above his pulse. “It’s okay. I’m here.”

She grunted. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“Shh,” he soothed her. 

“I’m so tired. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“I know. I know you didn’t mean it.”

“I’m so tired of being the bad guy. I can’t do this. It’s too much.”

He held her impossibly tight. With time, the ache became more bearable. She focused on the beating of his heart, the heat of his breath in her hair. 

He sounded firmer now, “You’re not a bad person, Eliza.”

“That doesn’t bring back the people I killed. The families I destroyed. Fathers and mothers I took from their children. I- I can’t-” she sobbed into her hands. “Why am I like this?” 

“People have been taking advantage of you since you were a child!”

“Yeah, maybe they should keep doing that. It’s not like I’m worth much more anyway. Might as well let people take advantage of me because there’s nothing else I can do.”

“Don’t say that.”

“I’ve been through so much pain because I couldn’t say no. How’s that not my fault?”

“No one taught you how to say no. It’s not your fault, okay?” She sobbed. “It’s not. Sweetheart, c’mon! You can’t believe that. Don’t believe that, please.”

“It just… it’s not fair,” Eliza said eventually. She traced her index finger over his wrist. “Everyone else got their childhood happy endings.”

“You’re right,” Matt agreed. Her story twisted a knife into his heart. “It’s not fair.”

“You see why I’d blame myself then?”

“You told me to exorcise my demons. Maybe you should take your own advice.”

She chuckled, voice thick with tears, but the smile was a genuine one. “Thank you,” she whispered. 

He squeezed her hips. “A world on fire.”

“What?”

“It’s what it feels like. I get so overwhelmed that it’s almost like I can see silhouettes, but they’re on fire.”

“Oh.”

Matt laid his head into the crook of her neck. “Don’t leave me,” the plea came in broken parts.

She put them together, piece by piece. “I won’t,” she said.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I know. Me too.”

Their bodies stayed intertwined. Clouds covered the moon, leaving the room in artificial lighting. Their heartbeats kept them grounded as the silence swallowed them. They reveled in each other’s warmth, the feeling of being together. Words became unnecessary, a mere byproduct of conversation. Holding each other was the true language they could speak, and either understood perfectly. 

“Does it still hurt?” he asked. 

Eliza sighed. “No,” she said. “No, it doesn’t.”

“Good.”

He sighed. Her hands tangled in his hair, massaging his scalp. There was nothing else on his mind but the soft, gentle touches she praised him with. He listened to the sound of her heart. Air filled her lungs, causing her chest to rise, then fall again. She fell into rhythm with the steady pulsating of her heart. Her body slowly relaxed under his weight. 

He was somewhere between the clouds when he heard her voice penetrate his sleepiness. Maybe he dreamt it, maybe he didn’t. Eliza whispered with such certainty, a softness that warmed his heart even though he couldn’t understand a word that was uttered. He thought the foreign tongue sounded so beautiful coming from her lips.

“I just feel you. ”

[laurasstufff1]

Wedding ft. Daniel Ricciardo

They always thought weddings were fun. And they were, indeed. But on their wedding, there were as many tears as laughs.

Daniel cried the first time he saw his parents that day, when he realized that everything was finally happening.

-Hey Dan- his dad approached him in the hotel room. The hug was tighter and longer than usually, but today it was totally justified.

-Are you nervous?- Her mom asked him while hugging him too.

-Not now. Maybe in a couple of minutes I will- he said with his usual smile. -I’m just happy, happier as ever-

-I can’t believe you’re getting married-

-Don’t start mom, I’ll cry if you go that way-

-As long as it’s happy tears, it’s fine- Joe joked.

-Okay then- dan said with some tears rolling down her cheeks already, making his parents laugh. It’s like he’s been holding them during the whole morning and now he was finally letting them go with the comfort of his parents.

…

YN cried just at the thought of marrying him, being his wife at the end of the day. It didn’t take her as long as Daniel. Waking up, she was alone in the room, she asked to be alone. His parents came during the evening as well as Emma, her best friend and maid of honor along with Michelle. Just thinking of him waiting for her standing on the asile was enough to bring tears into her eyes. She wasn’t feeling nervous, she was sure of the step she was taking. Tears showed her that she was more than ready and looking forward to be her wife.

-Can I come in?-

-You’re already in, mom- she laughed as she approached her daughter after lunch. -Where’s dad?-

-he went to see Daniel.

-What?? Why??-

-he just wanted to see him YN, relax- her mom said placing her comforting hand over her shoulders.

-I’m relaxed, but I don’t get why he gets to see him and I don’t-.

-Because YOU’RE the bride. You’ll see him at the church in- she stopped a moment to look at her phone and check the time -four hours.

-I feel like I’m going to cry when I see him- YN started talking again looking at her mom -I already cried just at the thought of becoming his wife mom, his WIFE- she shouted making her mom laugh.

-But that’s totally fine- her mom ensured her,- Just make sure to express your emotions throughout the day or you will explode at night, and we all know what Daniel and you would love to do tonight, right?-

-MOM!!-

-Oh come on, your father and I were the same, we could barely wait-

-okay, enough, I’m going to take a shower now- she said as she walked away laughing about her mom’s comments.

…

-Come in!- Daniel shouted from the inside of his room, where he just finished eating lunch with Michael and Blake after his parents left to get ready.

-Hi Daniel -

-Oh hi- he said rapidly getting up from the table, followed by Michael and Blake,

-no no, don't worry guys- he laughed, -can’t the dad of the bride come to see the groom before the wedding??-

-You’re totally welcome as long as you haven’t change your mind about the marriage- Blake said making them all laugh.

-Well I haven’t, so…- he said sitting on a chair next to them, who laughed at his action. -how are you?-

-I’m good- Daniel said.

-He’s freaking out- Michael rapidly said after his friend talked as Daniel watched him with a killing look.

-Well, that’s alright- YN’s dad said laughing. -I haven’t talked with her yet, but I assure you she feels the same. She’s even nervous when she sees you after a long time, so just imagine now- he laughed.

-I just really want to see her. I’ll be calmer- Dan said.

-But you can’t- Blake said.

-Yeah, it’s bad luck, mate- Michael added.

-You’ll see her in the altar in less than two hours. I should probably leave now guys, see you there- the old man talked

….

-I think I’ll paint my lips red for the party- YN talked while her best friend and maid of honor, Emma, was doing her makeup.

-That would be really nice, it looks good on you. BUT Daniel would get his lips red too- she added laughing.

-Ugh that’s true- she said annoyed. -I can’t tell him not to kiss me the day of our wedding, can I?-

-You can, but he won’t listen-

-Yep, you’re right- she laughed along with her best friend.

-So, nude?- Emma asked as YN nodded, keeping the lipstick in her handbag.

-We're done?- YN asked when she saw her best friend walk away.

-We are. Now get dress in that dress, we need to leave in thirty minutes!!- she shouted from the bathroom.

-Gosh- YN mumbled under her breath. It was real, she was going to get marry tonight.

….

-Dad!!!- Daniel shouted, even thought he was right next to him. -Please help me with the tie-

-But don’t shout- Joe said laughing. -I get you’re nervous, but don’t get aggressive-.

-I’m not aggressive-

-Yes you are- Michael added.

-Oh shut up. Your just as nervous as me because your seeing Emma tonight-.

-Emma?? YN’s best friend???- Joe asked enjoying the gossip.

-The one and only- Blake said patting Michael’s back.

-Stop it guys, we need to leave now- Michael said with redden cheeks.

-Don’t worry Michael, Emma won’t be there until YN arrives, she’s the maid of honor along with Michelle- Joe informed him.

-Yeah, he already knew- Daniel laughed watching his friend’s burning cheeks.

……..

-Michelle just texted me, she’s coming already, she was kinda busy with the children- Emma said to YN.

-It’s alright, we have plenty of time yet. Can you help me with the dress, mum?-

-Sure- she said leaving the living of the hotel room where her dad and Emma were to he'd to her room.

-Oh God, you look stunning honey- her dad said watching her walk out of the room, already with some tears in his eyes.

-Dad stop looking at me like that, I’m going to cry- YN laughed, but feeling some tears too.

-Don’t worry about it, all the make up is water proof- Emma said making them all laugh and somehow starting crying.

………

-Why is everyone looking at me??- Daniel asked in a whisper to his best mans, who laughed loudly at his stupid question.

-Because your the groom- Blake said.

-And you’re standing in the altar- Michael added.

-Well that’s what I’m supposed to do, I’m waiting for YN to come-

-Shut up already, the music is starting-

-Oh god-

-No way back now-

-I don’t wanna go back- Were the last words Daniel pronounced before the front doors opened.

Emma and Michelle came in first, with a small bouquet of colorful flowers, the same one as YN’s, wearing stunning red tulle dresses. Michael noticed Blake’s and even Joe’s smiles on him, who was obviously staring too much at Emma, watching her walk down the aisle and whispering a nervous ‘hi’.

Then it was YN’s turn. For one second Daniel thought it was taking too much time for her to come in and he started to think the worst thing. But all the doubts despaired when she walked in wearing the brightest smile, as white as her dress, walking down the aisle with his father. YN tried her best to walk slowly, just like everyone told her she should do, but it was hard to not rush and jump in his arms, just like they always did each time they saw each other. It was also really hard to fight her tears back, but she didn’t care anymore when she saw Daniel was crying too, YN only hoped his tears were from happiness, just as hers. At some point YN laughed too, when the Daniel's sobs echoed in the big church, making all of the guests giggled as Michael placed a hand over his friend’s shoulder, trying his best to calm him down. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she stood next to him, not without hugging his dad first and thanking him.

-Hi- YN mumbled to his future husband while she wiped the tears from his face.

-Hey- he said smiling leaning to what seemed to be kiss her. Thank God she moved her head faster and hug him instead.

-Not yet, Daniel- she whispered in his ear laughing and hugging him tight, having to stand in her tiptoes even thought she was wearing heels. All the guests laughed again realizing what he almost did.

-I was only going to hug her- he said loudly to the guests, who laughed harder at his comment.

-You were clearly going to kiss her already, mate- Blake whispered enough for you to hear.

-You look beautiful- Daniel said ignoring Blake’s words, making the joyful bride blush.

At that moment, the priest cleared his throat, making you both turn around to look at him and to finally start the ceremony.

-Sorry- both of them mumbled at the same time, as Daniel held YN’s hand and the ceremony started.

——

It was a fast but sweet ceremony. Some more laughs were heard and some tears spilled, but happiness flooded the place. The vows were short but full of emotion, she couldn’t stop squeezing Daniel’s hand while she read them out loud and he tried to kiss her lips again when he finished reading his. At some point, the little children ran away form their parents and started playing with the long tail of her dress. It was a fun moment, specially because Emma and Michael had to take care of that, making Daniel and YN share knowing looks.

-I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride, now it’s the right time, Daniel- the priest chuckled making everyone laugh again. Daniel didn’t hesitate in taking a step closer to her, placing one of his hands in her cheeks and the other in her waist to pull her even closer. YN didn’t even have time to react and she just placed her arms around his neck, holding tight into it as he finally crushed his lips into hers in a slow kiss, full of love and adoration.

Everyone starting clapping happily, whistling and shouting a bit when they saw Daniel wasn’t pulling away after a while, making both of them smile into the kiss.

-Daniel- she barely pronounced, his lips still pressed into hers.

-Sorry love- he said finally pulling out. -I love you so much- he softly said making her smile grow wider.

-I love you too Daniel. Now it’s time to celebrate- she giggle hugging him not before wiping away some of hers and Daniel’s tears.

——

The wedding venue took place in a winery outside the city. As it was already dark outside, the outdoor space was illuminated by little lights such as candles and fairy lights.

Food was extremely good, and too much wine was served, mainly in the table where the best mans and maids of honor along with some other friends were sitting. According to Daniel, everything was part of the plan to get Emma and Michael together.

-Look at them-. He said to her bride while they walked around the tables holding hands and greeting everyone.

-They are drunk, Daniel- she laughed.

-Well, that’s the plan. It worked with us, didn’t it?- it was true thought. Both of them know each other since more than 7 years ago and they instantly fell in love. Too bad they were both cowards and they needed almost a years and a couple of drinks to finally admit their feelings.

-It did- she nodded. -look at us now, I would kill to see Emma like this a couple of years later.- she said watching them laugh together before leaning to whisper something in his ear -I think I’ll give her my bouquet, so you better let know Michael it is clearly an insinuation-. She said making him laugh before pecking his lips one more time and go to talk with some family of her.

The wedding was just going perfect until Max got the mic after the dinner. He was kinda drunk, but thank God he could still do a proper thinking and pronunciation.

-Hi!! I’m Max, one of Daniel’s friends. He didn’t ask me to be his best man but he did ask me to do a speech, so here I am, making a fool of myself- he said making the guest giggle.

-You asked him to do a speech?- YN asked to his now husband, who was sitting next to her holding her hand, just like he was doing throughout the whole night.

-I did. It could be fun- he said giggling and tuning his attention to his friend again.

-It surely will- she mumbled already smiling at what was coming.

-First of all- Max continued -congratulations to the new couple, we all love you and wish you all the happiness of the Word- he said as everyone clapped and shouted 'kiss, kiss' again -Come on, kiss her mate- Max said. Daniel didn’t need to hear twice and he leaned to kiss his bride passionately, pulling her closer to his body while everyone whistle. -ENOUGH DANIEL!! Let her breath!!- Max shouted making the couple laugh and finally pulling away -So, with that being said AND done- he said pointing at the couple, referring to the kiss they just shared -I just thought it was a good idea to recap on their love story, right? I feel like it’s the right place and time. I remembered he didn’t want to tell us at first. Maybe he was scared we would steal her from him, we’re clearly more handsome that him- he said making the crowd laugh -but there was definitely something going on. Soon I realized, they were literarily making out in his car-

-We weren’t making out in my car!- Daniel shouting laughing at the memory.

-Well, this is my version, you can tell yours late, so shut up- he shouted back to Daniel laughing. -As I was saying, I was just hiking and I saw Daniel’s car was parked in the lookout. So I went there. And I saw them MAKING OUT in the freaking car- he said gesticulating a lot with his hands. -And of course I interrupted them, because I am his friend and that’s what I’m supposed to do, right?- He asked looking to Daniel, who just nodded laughing remembering all the time not only Max but also Blake and Michael and other friends of his interrupted his moments with YN to tease him about it later. -And them I realized it was obviously YN. It really felt like a plot twist to me- he talked now in a serious tone. -They couldn’t stand each other when Daniel was in Red Bull, not even look into their eyes. Daniel always talked shit behind YN’s back to be honest-

-Hey!!- YN said interrupting his speech to look at Daniel.

-Oh come on YN- Max talked -you talked shit about him-

-Yeah I did. And you agreed with everything I said, Max!- YN added laughing.

-Really?!?- Daniel asked in disbelief.

-Yes, that’s true- Max giggled before continuing with his story. “Anyways, I saw them, they saw me, there was no way back now. So I asked waiting for the obvious answer and they of course confessed they were dating since TWO MONTHS AGO!! How the hell did they managed to hide it??? Guess we’ll never know- he said shrugging his shoulders while the guests laughed. -After that they made it public to the word posting a beautiful picture that I TOOK and never got credit for it. And then everything was funnier having YN around- he said making all the guests pronounced a soft ‘ooooh’ at the sweetness of his words. Some more tears left YN’s eyes as Daniel squeezed her hand even tighter. -It’s the truth- Max continued -She’s such a funny girl, all the time. My face hurt at the end of race weekends because of the laughs we share, really, sometimes it’s too much and I just have to leave because I couldn't stand anymore the soreness in my face- he laughed. -I remember Daniel always asked me to go to my Monaco’s apartment with YN when I wasn’t there. He always said it was just because Michael and Blake were at his place and he wanted to make a proper dinner for YN, basically carbs and fasts, right?- he asked looking at the couple -I think it was more because he wanted to spend a good night with her, but whatever, I let him the key anyways…- he laughed along with the guests and suddenly stopped reflecting on the words he just said for a minute before continuing -this is the time when YN says she never came to my apartment. You’ve been there, right? It was you and not some other random girl?- He asked her as all the guests threw their head back laughing, Daniel included. YN laughed along and nodded with her head. -Good, I thought I screwed it up for minute- he said now relived and laughing too. -And ohhh god!! When he finally decided to propose… don’t get me wrong, I was really exited, but he was just so annoying until he finally decided to pop the question. Of course, he made me go with him to bought the ring, but he kept it for like what?? Five months at least???- He said looking at Daniel, who was nodding with his head and playing with that same ring he bought, now placed in YN’s finger -And then during a race weekend he was like ‘okay, I’m ready, I’ll ask her today’ BUT, surprise, he forgot the damn ring!!!- Max shouted frustrated making everyone laugh -then it was Michael and Blake the ones who took care of everything related to the engagement thank god, I couldn’t bare with him anymore. But hey, it was all worth it, now we have an open bar for the whole night, right?- He said finishing his speech and walking towards the table where Daniel and YN were sitting to hug them and congratulate them again.

——

The celebration continued with more laughs and happy tears. As YN said to Daniel before, she gave her bridal bouquet to Emma, who was coincidentally talking to Michael. -It’s clearly a signal!- Daniel shouted hitting Michel’s arm, who just laughed blushing while YN hugged her long-time friend, crying some happy tears too.

It wasn’t a surprise when they gave little gifts to all the guests: little helmets just like Daniel’s for men and a flower just like the ones in YN’s bouquet for women. It wasn’t a surprise neither the song they choose for their first dance. Being as goofy and funny as they were, they couldn’t choose a better song to dance, although it wasn’t by far the typical slow romantic song, that they chose to dance in a more private time of the night. In front of family and friends, ‘You’re the one the one that I want’, from the movie Grease, was just the perfect song to dance together and playing the fool and sharing some good laughs along with their loved ones. What was really a surprise was when at 6am in the morning, when the party still continued, some guys showed up in the venue with hundreds of McDonal’s burgers and fries. Not the typical breakfast, but definitely well-deserved after dancing the night away surrounded by the few friends and family members that managed to be up to their level of parties.