#so i dont know when ill get this damn appointment and on top of that the 1st appointment will cost double bc im now a new client i guess

[treypug]

💊

[the-hate-keeps-me-warm]

More than a memory

Sorry if this is formatted really horriblly I finished this up on mobile I hope you like this there’s about 2 paragraphs I cut of ruby nerding out

Once they got to Vacuo oscar was sorta unofficially a huntsman now laws are a lot looser here so he’s been saving quite a bit of money from going on missions after team rwby and Jaune came back it was weird they were only gone a month but so much had changed the merge was almost finished he could feel it every day he felt less like himself he didn’t even object when Theodore called him oz anymore he and ruby weren’t as close anymore whatever happened wherever they were changed her he got bits and pieces from Jaune and yang but the others kept quiet he knew that he’d be gone soon so he wanted to leave something for her kinda like proof that they ever met in the first place so he was now standing in a vacuan market at 12 am alone with a lot of lien on him this was probably a bad idea but at one point he heard ruby ramble about this gun shop that they were the best at what they do so he called made an appointment it just so happens they prefer to see let’s just say unofficial clients at night he knocked at the door it read “bikal bullets” it opened and an old owl faunas man opens it his large yellow eyes are piercing “hello mister pine headmaster theodore told me to expect you” oscar rubs his hands together “yes mister bikal he said to come late” mr Bikal leads him inside on the walls hang dozens of expensive weapons “so mr pine what are you looking for” oscar took the blue prints out of his bag and set them down on the drawing table “um im looking for something custom built its for a friend” mr bikal takes the blue prints and examines them “these are pretty impressive mr pine did you draft these yourself theses yourself” oscar nods “mostly i had a little help with the math part of it but the mechanical stuff i did myself” mr bikal nods “something like this will cost a good amount even with the discount you get for being school staff” oscar nods “do you have an estimate on the price and how long it'll take to make” mr bikal snaps his teeth “around 12000 lien and 2 weeks” oscar nods he had 140000 saved up but he did want to buy some more things for the others “alright i can uh i can afford that” mr bikal goes over to what looks like a drawing table and pins them up “i will start work immediately mr pine you make your payment on completion if you desire the school has credit with me the price includes 3 magazines and a case so that will also be custom made shall you pick it up or would you prefer its delivered” oscar stands uncomfortably as mr bikal starts measuring out pieces of fine metal “ill pick it up dont worry” mr bikal nods and says “alright mister pine your can go now its not a good look for a young man to be out so late especially so close to the red light district” oscars face gets red “yes of course” oscar leaves and walks back to the academy sneaking back into his dorm room was easy tho nora did pester him about where hed been he had left a note saying when he would be back for the next 2 weeks he kept a poker face nora helped him set up his bank account so the sudden spending of 12000 lien did give her pause so she decided to ask him about it

He was sitting on his bed reading some Treatise about some long-forgotten subject she knocked on the bedpost and he looks up “hey Nora did you need something” she sat at the end of his bed “hey what did you spend 12 thousand lien on” he hides his face “please don’t tell anyone it was on something for ruby” she smiles “ah young love I was worried that you wouldn’t make your move so what kind of thing sets you back 12 thousand it’s something big right” he nods his head “its a gun i-i had it commissioned for and it’s not really cause I’m trying to make a move or anything it’s more like a going away gift” Nora frowns and shakes his leg “where you going taking a vacation or something” he feels tears bite the edge of his eyes “Nora the merge it’s soon I know it won’t be long until I’m gone and I want you all to remember me but her especially I don’t want to be just a memory” he struggles to keep the tears at bay but nora pulls him into a hug tighter but somehow softer than her usual ones “hey you will never ever be just a memory you will always be you and even if your not you'll always be one of us we all love you so much” and then the damn breaks and he sobs into her shoulder “i don't wanna go away nora i want to live i wanna go to school see my aunt again” she rubs his back and says “i know sweetie you'll get to do all that ok i promise” he sniffles “nora i need you to do something for me if i do disappear ok i need you to go back to my aunt and tell her everything ok it can't be oz ok don't tell her how to find him it won't make sense i'll just hurt worse i dont want that for her” she nods “i won't ever have to do that ok but i promise” she holds him until he stops crying and they take a a a nap they always helped him calm down

Finally, after a long 2 weeks, he goes to pick it up when he goes inside Mr. Baikal shows him the box it’s a beautiful dark red mahogany wood he opens the case and looks at the pistol inside its silvered handle and barrel were beautiful he’s almost afraid to touch it the engravings were perfect exactly as he had drawn them if not better the moon and rose he had designed look perfect he takes it gently in his hands he looks down the sights the night sights glow a brilliant carmine red he looks at the magazine even it was of an amazing quality everything down to the smallest detail was exactly as he pictured it he sets it back into the case “thank you, mister, Bikal it's absolutely perfect” Mr. Bikal smiles and nods “I’m glad everything is to your satisfaction Mr pine if you find there is anything wrong with it or you want something changed everything I make comes with a lifetime warranty the paperwork is in the case as well as a certificate stating that I am in fact its builder” they shake hands and oscar takes it home in his bag he excitedly gets back to his dorm he sets it down still in his bag on his bed now all he have to do is give it to her

He sits on it for a few days but finally decides to just give it to her oz has his reservations about this but decided that oscar deserves this to maybe say goodbye in his own way

Ruby was going on walks around shade it’s something he noticed so he waited for her to go on one of those walks it was cool in vacuo at night the air was nice compared to the oppressive heat of the day she was meandering along the walkways he followed behind her a bit the case hung heavy in his bag even tho it wasn’t heavy at all after a while she sits at an old wooden bench overlooking the gardens he approaches and she perks up “oh hey oscar are you going somewhere” she says pointing to his bag he shakes his head “do you mind if I sit” she shakes her head “no go-ahead did you need to talk, something about Theodore?” he sits down on the other side of the bench gently setting his bag between them “no uh no I just uh I wanted to give you something” he opens his bag and takes the case out holding it out to her she takes it “it’s not my birthday is it this looks really nice you didn't have to do this” ruby says smiling “well i've been wanting to do something nice for you” oscar says rubbing the back of his neck she lifts the top and gasp gently lifting it from its case “oscar this is this is amazing” she drops the magazine and pulls the slide back making sure its clear and runs her hand along the engraving her symbol etched into the left side of the grip “oh thanks i uh actually designed it myself oz helped me with the math” she looks at him her eyes wide “oscar it took me 8 attempts to successfully design a functioning crescent rose gun design is really hard how long did you spend on this” oscar blushes “the idea kinda started in atlas i was gonna ask you to help me make one so i wouldn't have to rely on my cane but everything happen and when you were gone i kept messing with the idea and i kept thinking about you so i kinda ended up designing it for you more than me eventually do you like it” ruby scoffs “oscar do i like it i love it its probably the single greatest gift anyones ever given me” he smiles wide “really that makes me really happy I was worried you wouldn’t like it” she sets it back gently into its case “really Oscar it’s amazing you have a knack for design your gonna have to show me the draft notes and everything cause this is this is amazing I can’t wait to shoot it this is wow” she chokes up and he leans down “ruby are you ok” she nods wiping her face of nonexistent tears “no worries this is just really cool and sweet and god your so amazing” he felt his heart flutter and his cheeks heat up “the guy who built it that bikal guy you talked about was just as great as you always said” she puts a hand on his shoulder “are you telling me Hephaestus bikal made this Oscar” she says seriously “uh yeah why is that bad” she kisses his cheek and squeals “oh my god your amazing this is now even better god I could die happy wait his rates are insane how did you afford this” still recoiling from the kiss he bites his lip “uh huntsmen work” she narrows her eyes “how much did this cost Oscar it had to be expensive” he shakes his head “not telling it’s a gift you don’t need to worry about it just enjoy it” she punches his arm “I will but I am going to repay you for this somehow ok” “you already did” he says quietly he says rubbing the back of his neck “ruby I don’t really know how long I have left and I would like to spend at least some of it with you I understand if you don’t I know it might make it harder when I’m gone bu-whoa” he’s pulled into a hug she pulls his head into her shoulder and holds him tight “I wanna spend more time with you too but you will always be Oscar ok oz is oz you are you” he sighs and smiles “see what I mean by paying me back”

[trikxx]

I try to put a lil something before the chapter cause thats what I usually do but I can think if anything😀 on to the story.

Songs for this chapter ⬇️

•shame by summer walker

•if you let me by sinead harlett

Armoni's pov

I got up early cause I didn't want y/n to kill Shinsou for letting me drive. I have my permit and all but I still have to take my drivers test... again. Y/n doesn't trust me with the car but shes gonna have to give in soonnn.

I go into the living room and they not there anymore

So I go to Shinsou's room to get him. "SURPISE SHAW.." He wasn't in there. The last place he could be thats inside the house is y/n's room. 'God please let me going here and know that nothing happened last night even though I want a niece not yettt' I think in my head while putting my hands together.

I slowly opened the door. 'please please pleaseee' I slowly open my eyes and they are fully clothed and only facing each other "THANK THE GODS!" I accidentally yell out waking up Shinsou.

"Wtffff Armoni."

"Damn, what happened to hey, hello, good morning." I say. "Waiting in living room ill be ready in a little bit.

Shinsou's pov

I slowly slip out of y/n's bed and go to my own room and hop in the shower, brush my teeth, fix my hair and get dressed. After I finished I grabbed my keys and put on my shoes. "Lets go." I say to Armoni

"I would have let you drive y/n's truck but you know how she is." I say "Yea i know" Armoni said adjusting the seat. "Check it out so I have a automatic so you dont have to worry about all that fancy stick shift shit you thought was finna happen when you got in. Nope." I explained to Armoni everything he needed to know. "No music til you drive a mile" I say. Armoni pulled out the parking spot and out he garage and started driving.

"Damn you actually drive good." I say to Armoni. "I know its just my sister." We started driving toward y/n's parents house to take Armoni home and so I could make it back home so me and y/n could go to Sero's shop.

~Time skip~

Y/n's pov

I wake up and get in the shower not really acknowledging the fact that Shinsou and Armoni were gone out the house. The quiet was nice. I stepped and wrapped a towel around my body and staring to brush my teeth. I heard the front door open. I walk out my bathroom into my room to peek out the door.

"Oh your woke now?." Shinsou says. I tolled my eyes and  closed my door back to get dressed.

Your outfit

I did my hair the same way I did it last night then grabbed my wallet and keys and walked out the room "We taking your car?" I ask Shinsou. "Yea." He responds. I out on my shoes and we walk out the door.

~Time skip~

We pulled up to a tattoo shop that had a sign that said '4RT' "You ready?" Shinsou said. "Wait they open?" I say. The shop looked like no one was there even though there was four cars outside besides ours.

"Naw they not open." Shinsou said side eyeing me. I rolled my eyes and got out the and Shinsou did the same.

We entered the shop and heard low music playing. "Yoooo Shinsou!" I heard Sero yell from down the hallway. "Is that the beautiful y/n?" Denki said following behind Sero. Shinsou side eyes Denki and Denki puts his hands up like this '✋🏽😐🤚🏽'

"What tats do yall want?" Sero asks. "Ima get this." Shinsou says showing Sero the picture.

(This is the only one I could find that I liked Pinterest did me wrong yall ✋🏽🥲 ill edit it if i find sum different;-;)

"Still a minimalist I see." Sero says joking around. "And you?" Sero resumes pointing to me. "Oh I was thinking something like this."

"Thats niceee." Sero says. "Ok I'll do y/n and you can get Shinsou." Sero says to Denki. Denki nods and leads Shinsou to his area and I got Sero's. "This your first tat or nah?" He asks. "Nah." I says showing him the dragon tattoo behind my ear that goes on to my shoulder. "Thats dope as fuck." Sero says starting the sketch for your tattoo.

(Idk how this works🧍🏽‍♀️)

~Time skip~

Third pov

Sero finished the sketch and started apply the stencil (yall know the little thing they put on the you before they actually tattoo..yea that.)

Sero turned on some music (the song at the top played first) and started tattooing. At first it hurt but soon you got use to it. "You ok?" Sero asked. "Yea." You say looking back at you phone.

~Time skip~

You here the door of the shop open. You saw a pink haired girl rush passed the room you and Sero were in. Eventually peeking her head in ti the room "Im here Sero they kept me late at the mall my bad... Y/N?!"

"Heyyoo." You say smiling at her. "We have to talk after your done ok?" She says. You nod your head at her and she skipped away. You lay your head back vibing to the music trying to ignore the pain.

"Ok Cool Kami.." Shinsou says walking into the room. "Y/n... holy shit." You look up at Shinsou then look down at the tattoo and back at Shinsou "what." You ask. "I should have let you pick my tattoo."

You raise your eyebrows and formed an straight like with your lips then nodded your head up and down slowly. "Im gonna wait in the lobby ok?" Shinsou says "ok." You say. Shinsou walks out the room and you look back down at you phone.

Shinsou's pov

I walk into the lobby and sit close to ok the desk and talk to Mina and Denki. "And bro she was like..." Denki was saying then pointed to where he was looking at.

'Woah' I see a girl come through the door." Hey! Welcome to Art. How may I accommodate you today." Mina days with a smile. "Hiii I had made an appointment." The girl says. "What was the name?" "Camie." She says.

"Alright, you can sit over there..." Mina said pointing over by me. "and Denki will be with you in a moment." Mina finishes. "Hey hottie whats your name." The girl says to me. "Shinsou. And yours?" I say looking at her.

"My names Camie." She says. "Hold on." She says getting up. She comes back with paper and a pen. "Camie?" Denki says to her. "Here." She whispers to me and hands me a piece of paper then follows Denki. I looked her up and down looking at her outfit. She winked at me before disappearing into the hallway. 'Damnnnnnn'

Camie's outfit

"Finally out that fucking chair got damn." Y/n says stretching while walking into the lobby.

"Thats one hell of a grin Toshi." Y/n says making the "😏" face. "Hush and let me see." I say.

Y/n's pov

I show Shinsou my tattoo. "Im just fye like that." Sero says. I chuckle and start walking to pay. But Shinsou stops me "I'll pay." He says. "But.." "unt uhn." I roll my eyes and step back.

"Alright I'll see you guys." Shinsou says walk towards the door. "Byeeee" I say going after him. "Wait!" I go back in the shop. "Heres my number Mina facetime, text, call, or what ever. And we can talk." I say writing it down. "Ok! Bye Y/n!" I wave at her walking out the door and running ti the car.

"Alright I'm ready."

~time skip~

We get back to the apartment and I flop down on my bed. "Sooo tireddd." I say. I pick up my computer and check how many orders we had 'its not that bad' i think to myself closing my computer and putting it back on my nightstand.

I walk out my room to go mess with Shinsou but when I got closer to his room he was... giggling? I held in my laughter and knocked on his door. "Yo Toshi you hungry?" I say through the door. "Yea hold on." He responds back.

20 minutes later

Shinsou's pov

"Ok what did yo..." I say. 'This mf really fell alseep in 20 minutes' I think to myself. I pick y/n up and put her in her bed.

I walk into the kitchen and ordered y/n's f/f for her and something for me.

*DING*

Camie🤍: Hey Hitoshi🤗.

Hitoshi☄️: Hey👋🏽.

Camie🤍: i wanted to know if you wanted to hang out tonight and get to know each other?

Hitoshi☄️: im cool with that but where.

Camie🤍: your place?

Hitoshi☄️: I would sag yea but we would just be in my room. I have a roommate and they get kinda rowdy.

Camie🤍: Its ok. What ever you want babes😁.

Hitoshi☄️: cool.

Hitoshi ☄️: Also eat before you come over i only provide snacks.

Camie🤍:LOL. Ok☺️.

*UBEREATS NOTIFICATION THING*

|your food for HITOSHI has been delivered|

I go out the door to get the food and come straight back to the apartment. I look through and make sure everything is there. Then I put y/n's food in the refrigerator/on the counter(depends on what you picked).

~time skip~

Camie🤍: should i park on the street?

Hitoshi ☄️: yea.

I walk downstairs to let Camie in. "Hey handsome." She said and kissed me on the cheek. We went back to the apartment and into my room. "I'll be back." I say walking out the room. "Hey Shinsou." Y/n says waving at me while walking out her room.

"Hey, Your foods in the fridge." I say. "Thank you." She says hugging me then warming up her food and going back to her room. I cut off the lights in the living room and a leave the one above the sink on. Then I go back to my room with Camie.

Y/n's pov

I go back to my room and watch tv and start packing orders. Sometimes I do orders by myself just for some me time (play if you let me by sinead harnett).

*DING*

Unknown: Y/n please I miss you so much please. Im sorry I didn't mean for it to happen please just take me back ill do better please. I still love you.

Y/n: If this is who I think it is No. cause you know what you did and it really doesn't make sense that you cant get that shit into your head stop contacting me. Im not taking you back even if its the end of the world.

Unknown: please y/n

*this number you are contacting has blocked you*

———

I finished eating and went to throw my stuff away. I got in the shower did my skincare and brushed my teeth. 'I should just chill out in my room.' I think ti myself while getting out the shower and drying off.

I put on some spandex shorts and a hoodie. The pull out my sketchbook to make more designs.

———

I've been sketching for about a hour so i go to see if Shinsou wanted to watch a movie but as I got closer to the door i hear moans getting louder. 'No, he did not.' I thought to myself. I go to the living room and just turn on the tv and watch a movie alone in the dark.

About an hour late I hear him coming out the room. "That was sooo nice." I hear a girl say. She come out of the hallway where Shinsou's room is. "Who are you?" She says.

"I'm y/n." I say. "Shinsou there's a girl out here. Maybe your roommate has her over." She says.

'Is she-' "wait whats your name?" I ask her

"Camie." She says "oh, do you know Todoroki?" I say "yes i know him." She says kind of with a attitude. "Ohhh I remember youu. Aren't you his ex." She said.

"Alright are you... hey y/n." Shinsou said. "Really Hitoshi." I say getting up. "Of all the people in the world HER." I say. "What are you talking about y/n."

"You know what im talking about Hitoshi. Or do you not remember why your own best friend broke up with her boyfriend." I say. Shinsou looked like his heart dropped to his ass.

𝐅𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐡 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤

"Hey y/n its gonna be ok forget about him."Shinsou says. "Im gonna call Ace to come and get you."

Ace: Hello?

Shinsou: Hey Ace i need you to come to Y/n's house right now.

Shinsou looks at the code book you gave him for emergencies like this.

"Code...uhhh pink no wait its a purple"

Ace: Im on my way right now.

Y/n's pov

"Two years down the fucking drain for what!" i yell as Ace comforted me. "N/n you have to calm down a little." Ace says. i layed in my bed under my cover with my music blasting. My parents were on a business trip and my brother was at our Aunts house.

Me, Ace, and Shinsou heard someone knock on the door so I go to open it. "Y/n i'm sorry! It all happened so fast and I was drunk." Todoroki says. "DRUNK MY ASS SHOTO! YOU NEW WHAT THE FUCK YOU WERE DOING AND IT WASN'T A ACCIDENT." I say yelling. "Hey Y/n I got this go chill out." Shinsou says pulling me back.

I step back and then I look at his car and she was in there. I push both boys out the way and walk to the car. I snatched the door open and pulled her out the car. "SO YOU FUCKING LOVE ME RIGHT?! YOU WANT ME BACK HUH?! BULLSHIT SHOTO GET YOUR SHIT AND GO. IM DONE. AND AS FAR AS I KNOW ONCE YOU OUT YOU DICK IN HER WE WERE DONE SO GET YOUR SHIT AND LEAVE."

Todoroki grabbed Camie from you and got her back in the car. "Im sorry ill leave.".

𝐄𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐟𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤

"Damn i did it again." Camie says with a smirk on her face. "Maybe its just not meant to b..." I cut her off by gabbing her hair and slamming her on the couch.

"Say some slick shit again Camie. I fucking dare you. I will do something I didn't get to do then. Cause i dont give a fuck now. Ima let you go this is what you do to avoid getting your ass beat. Get your bag, keys, and shoes and get the fuck out this house and never come back." I say. She nods and I let her go.

Camie runs and gets her stuff and leaves the apartment. "Wtf Y/n." Shinsou says. "You know she was just gonna be a hit and kick anyway so im saving her the heartbreak." I say walking to my room. "Thats not the point y/n you didn't have to do that."

Shinsou said

"THEN WHATS THE POINT HITOSHI?!" I say. "THE POINT IS THAT YOU BROUGHT UP STUFF FROM A LONG TIME AGO." Shinsou argues back. "you know i tried to ignore the fact that you brought the girl that he cheated on me with." I say calmly. "but dont argue back. i dont want to waste your breath on this. and just to tell you ill leave for the night to give you some time to yourself." I say walking away to my room.

———

When I get into my room I feel and tear come down my face as i get out some overnight clothes. I text Mina to see if she was free.

Y/n🤍🌸: Hey Mina are you free to night

Mina🥀: Sorry babes im out with my boyfriend

——

I sighed and texted Sero

Y/n🤍🌸: Yoo Sero

Sero🤠: wsp y/n

Y/n🤍🌸: Can I crash at your place tonight? Me and Hitoshi kinda got into a fight.

Sero🤠: Sure, im still at the shop so you can come here til i close up

Y/n🤍🌸: alright cool.

——

I finished packing my bag and slip on some grey sweats and went to the door. As i was putting on my shoes Shinsou came out to the door. "You don't have to leave Y/n." He says. "Well if you dont want me to leave for then ill be leaving for myself. Ok? Cool." I says as I grab my keys off the rack and walk out the door.

👀 dont hurt me ya’ll please dont😬

[violasmirabiles]

this days going fuckin GREAT

havent slept ONE FUCKING SECOND

went like that to my (apparently last) appointment with the psych nurse

(apparently last cos i was referred to the More Specialized Mental Health Care Place Thing) 

somehow managed to be honest

like she asked how i was doing this fine morning, seeing me lounging on my couch with my huge pink floyd the wall coffee mug

and im halfway into saying yeah im doing great! :)

but then catch myself cos what the fuck

i didnt sleep at all last night

didnt sleep between friday and saturday either and im not 100% sure what day it is cos everythings blending into everything

her face just. falls

at this point im crying

ive spent the entire last hour crying

while simultaneously Making Jokes about what a fucking train wreck i am cos cant make anyone think im not funny haha

shes not laughing

ive got deadlines piling up and no idea what to do about ANYTHING and that causes stress and that makes me Not Sleep

havent taken my sleeping pills either cos after a sleepless night i dont feel like i Deserve to take one cos Obviously i should be too tired to need them

i say and stay up till 2am because what the fuck

she says shes more worried about me getting enough sleep than of me taking sleeping pills every night

shes got a point

my brains not fucking taking it

she gets to witness a me vs. my hell brain fight in real time

her face just. makes me cry harder

im so tired

and not even the sleepy way

she basically tells me to get my shit together re: the entire sleeping business and not worry about ANy classes Any deadlines ANything but that cos how the hell am i supposed to be able to anything if i dont have enough energy cos i dont fucking sleep

again shes got a point

and my brains not fucking having it

she gets to witness some more rational brain vs. mental illness brain fighting

im 10000% sure my sleep problems are going nowhere and im Failing Everyone and especially her if i dont get it 100% under control by october 15 (our apparently Final Appointment before the other place takes charge)

i fucking hate myself????

this is SLEEP were talking about

i should be able to fucking sleep

what the Fuck

she tells me to stop thinking about everything i “should be doing” for a bit and just. see how far ive become 

like damn i have a degree im fighting with the social service system and am as of now on top of That shit

and i have depression

i possibly have adhd

and kela is an obvious fucking trigger to me

which once again is embarrassing as hell to me lol would love to be able to check shit without getting a massive anxiety attack

but like. the thought of not completing every single one of the classes in my (already adjusted because of This Fuck Shit) study plan makes me want to [big redacted]

so i cant. do anything how can i fucking sleep when im supposed to Do Shit and i cant and ????? this thought makes as much sense to me as it does to you

also im not sure how much of this my flatmate heard

so im embarrassed to come out of my room now

its embarrassing enough to hear them wake up and move about and realize that oh yeah its fuckin 7:30 in the morning its the normal functional people wake up time

i dont know

fuck

at least i still have a few hours before my only class of the day

during which time i should do Everything but i cant focus on shit im anxious as hell and feel drunk in the worst possible fucking way

so naturally i hate myself cos who the fuck else am i supposed to blame for this

:)

anyway hope yall r having a Fabulous tuesday

[geminimoonbeamx]

Oh, Baby: Chapter One

A/N: Okay so I’ve literally had this in my drafts for the last...six months or so? And I figured I’d tweak it and edit and post it since I’ve been so AWOL on this site lately, and so that I can give you guys some new content from me.

Word Count: 3k+

Warnings: Heavy cursing. This chapter is pretty PG, talks of mental illness, unexpected pregnancy and contemplating abortion- but she doesnt go through with it. Smut to come. AND LOTS OF FLUFF TOO, I promise lol

Summary: After a drunken night, Y/N finds herself having to face the biggest decision of her life; is she ready for motherhood? And a better question, is Bucky Barnes, her long time friend and womanizer extraordinaire, ready for fatherhood? They’ll just have to go along for the ride and find out together. A Bucky Barnes x Plus Size Reader Story 

Chapter 1/6: The Baby Woe’s and Oh No’s

You knew it.

You’d known something was off, different, changed.

You sit on your toilet, your world spinning as you attempt to wrap your mind around what was going on. Everything seems sludge like, too slow and too fast and not real.

You’re definitely going into shock, you point out to yourself. The catatonic kind. You’ve been staring at the bright, sunny lemon print of the shower curtain, your eyes focused but not seeing. Your elbows rest on your knees and your hands cover the entirety of your lower face.

At least you’re not crying anymore. 

Nope, your body had moved past that-Maybe, it felt like the tears could start rolling again at anytime.

Oh god, what are you going to do?

Why, why, why?

Why you? You’d been a good person- well a decent person at least… You recycled and tipped more than twenty percent. Didnt vote for Trump and ate your vegetables.

And your life was just seeming to even out. You’d somehow landed your dream job a couple months back- every Wednesday night your voice could be heard on WNEX. You we’re making enough money to finally be comfortable- doing what you loved. Gaining a wide audience and wiggling your way into the industry. Your mind was so career oriented, so focused on your end goal that you’d never even considered something like this.

Throwing a big fat wrench in the gears.

One night, it had only been one stupid, drunken night. Hadn't you racked up enough karma coins to cover your ass for one fucking night?

Are you there god? It’s me, Y/N, and I really fucked up this time.

Wanda comes back into the tiled room a few minutes, her dark features soft and a colorful mug in her hand.

“Are you okay?” She gauges, gently, as she reaches out to you.

You snort and shrug, but accept the steaming cup from her anyway. You look down at the swirling, murky drink.

Wishing for just one moment that you could drown yourself in it.

“Look, babe, I know you’re dealing with some major shock right now- but maybe you should go lay down. We’ll figure it out later-” Wanda’s voice is even and you appreciate her being so calm and sure during all of this but you just can't process the situation enough to accept it.

You can't go lay down.

“Why not?” Wanda questions and you didn't realize you’d said that out loud, you hadn't even felt your mouth form the words.

Your head really is swimming. Disconnected from your body a little bit. You force yourself to take a drink of the tea as she gives you a more pointed look.

“Because I have to- I don't know. I have to figure all this out” You protest. You can't hear your voice, how spiked with anxiousness it is.

“There’s not much to figure out” Wanda supplies, unhelpfully as she leans against the counter, arms folded over her chest and you give her a look that’s half between a glare and a gape.

“Um, what the fuck do you mean? There’s so much to figure out, I don't even know where to start” You give a short, sharp, slightly hysterical laugh gripping the mug hard enough to hurt with one hand while cupping your forehead with the other.

“Okay, first things first. And this is the big one: do you want this?”

Well, that whole ‘I'm done crying’ thought you’d had before was a lie. You feel the tears well up once more and overflow, spill down your already swollen cheeks. Your face is hot. Your tummy is full of rocks.

You’d always hated crying. It never made you feel released or freed or lighter like it did for other people. It made you feel icky and stupid. And afterwards it always felt like you’d gotten punched in the nose.

Yes, you did have a therapist to work out those issues with, thanks.

Your mind doesn't know what to do with that question.

You look at Wanda, searching her face as though she might have the answers but she just shook her head and reached out her hand to rub your shoulder. That’s all she could offer. Her support in whatever path you we’re about to embark on.

And then you look down, at the countertop. That was usually littered with stray tubes of mascara or straightening irons. Bobby pins and half lit candles. All the things that resided in the bathrooms of girls in their mid twenties.

In place of those was now four pregnancy tests. All of which read positive.

The first two had been those double lined ones. Two bold lines- both times. Then you’d ran down to the bodega at the end of the block and gotten two more. And those we’re more straight to the point. They literally read the word pregnant- in a font that you don't think you’d ever forget.

Did you want this? Did you want a baby?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“I dont know- I’m not ready. The timing is all wrong” You croak.

“Okay” Wanda coo’s “well there's alternatives then-” you squeeze your eyes closed at that thought “Either way we should make a doctors appointment to make sure you’re actually pregnant. I’ve read so many stories about how unreliable these things are”

She holds up one of the tests and rambles on about all of the online articles she’d come across. How some woman had taken a dozen of ‘em, gotten all positive results and then went in and had an empty uterus.

“For one, ew. I peed on that” You nod your head at the test in her hand and she rolls her eyes.

“Other side of it- and I held your hair when you got food poisoning from that shrimp shack. I’ve come into contact with worse body fluids of yours”

“For two- I’m pregnant. I know it. I’ve known it for weeks. I knew something was wrong and I just tried to...think it away, you know? Out of sight, out of mind? I sound insane” saying the words out loud makes you realize how...ludicrous those thoughts had been. But still. It was the truth.

She just nods though “You don't”

There’s a moment of silence. Stretching, as you stew in your reality.

“I’d be doing it alone” you whisper into the mug as you sip on it “I really dont think he’d want a baby”

“You would never be alone, you know that. You have so many people in your life that would support you with this” Wanda protests, sad that you’d even say that.

“You know what I mean” You push on. Because having a good group of friends and family wouldn't change the fact that you were possibly looking at the possibility of being a single mother.

If you decided to keep it, that is.

“Yeah I do- and I don't know if I agree with that. Bucky's a lot of things, an arrogant asshole at that top of that list, but he’s a good guy and I think he’d want to be involved. He doesn't give off deadbeat dad vibes”

All of that was true. Bucky is a good guy, at the core of him.

He was kind and decent and the two of you had been friends for years upon years. He was charming, magnetic and women loved him- you’d found it amusing, before you we’re the one in his bed after a drunken night a month ago.

He’d left your messages mostly on seen since then. You’d only sent a few, but still that had stung. Him icing you out the moment he’d gotten into your pants pissed you off, not only because it was rude but because it was expected.

You knew how Bucky was with women, it had been such an idiot move to sleep with him.

It made it all the more complicated that you ran in the same social circles- had all the same friends. Sam’s small promotion dinner a couple weeks ago had been extremely awkward for you, to say the least.

He’d earned himself the cold shoulder from you and no matter how many times he’d try to broach a conversation with you, crack a joke in your direction, or single you out in a group conversation you pretended he didn't exist.

“Damn, re-jec-ted” It had been so obvious that Clint had of course pointed it out, which was uncomfortable but expected because Clint had no filter like that.

Bucky had stopped trying after that- and started flirting back with the waitress that had been throwing herself at him throughout the night. You cut out early, claiming tiredness. And upset stomach. Whatever to get you out of there.

To say it was a shitty night was a bit of an understatement and you hadn't spoken one word to him since.

“I haven't talked to him since that night- and now I’m what, supposed to call him up and tell him I’m carrying his child because he doesn't properly know how to operate a condom?

“I don't know, yeah? It doesn't mean you two need to get married, but if you choose to keep this baby, that’s going to be a conversation you’re going to have to have” Wanda is so annoying sometimes. She was such a sharp thinking human- always grounded and level headed. She claimed it was from always having to be the “good twin” growing up.

Of course she was rationalizing this whole thing while you we’re floundering about it like a fish.

“I think I should make a doctors appointment” You just mutter. You’d rather focus your attention there. It was easier, cleaner for you. A goal you could actually accomplish.

And so that’s what you did.

//////

They were able to get you in at the end of the week, which in overpopulated New York City was a godsend. And still, it felt like far too long. Like the reality of it couldn't sink in until you talked to a medical professional so you we’re left in some kind of fucked up long until then.

You tried to keep your anxious mind busy, throwing yourself into work. Talking to people over the static airways of the radio about their lives; about the world and all of its workings was so much easier than talking to anyone about what was going on with you.

The only person who knew was Wanda and you’d canceled all of your other plans during the week, not able to face anyone. Not yet.

Lots of sleepless nights, staring at the ceiling. Thinking until your brain physically hurt.

And then you’d turned to you journal- maybe if you wrote everything down it would make sense. If you could see it all, inked out, you could make a decision.

Did you want this child?

Wanda had suggested making a pro’s and con’s list and while it sounded crazy and unhelpful, and you rolled your eyes at it ‘As though that will help’, you ended up doing it anyways.

You start with Cons, naturally. Always had been too damn negative.

Cons:

-I have no fucking idea how to be a mom

-Bucky???

-My job. My career. Who’s going to watch the baby while I work?

-How in the fuck am I going to financially support a baby.

-No room in the apartment/My room is fucking tiny and where will we put a baby

(Wanda said we can turn half of the living room into a playroom/makeshift nursery. How fucked up though? Not even a real nursery)

-No car? A baby on the subway? No thank you.

-Weird to explain to people even if Bucky wants to co-parent. All our friends??

-PAIN

-Pregnancy looks so painful. Birth looks scary. My poor vagine.

-Life is basically over

-The baby will not have a grandmother from your side...

You could keep going on, but you decide to stop there. You could go on, make the list pages and pages long but you decide against it.

Pros:

-I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Always dreamed of babies and motherhood, baby fever crashes over me in waves.

-Me and Bucky’s baby is going to be cute AF(and that just pure facts)

-I have a great support system- amazing friends and family who I know will help

-Bucky could want to be involved. He probably will...maybe?

-He has a big family, i think. The baby would have lots of family

-I don't want to have an abortion. All about pro-choice, but I just...don't know if I can.

That had made you bite the end of your pen.

Adoption?

Could you give a child that you went through nine months of pregnancy up for adoption? Knowing yourself- probably not. You cant even get rid of the moth hole ridden clothes at the back of your closet. Not comparing a baby to a jean jacket- fuck, see how unequipped you were for this?

-I’d be a good mom(I think)

-I could swing it financially. Maybe get a second job

-At least I have a good insurance plan now

-My life might have more of a purpose?

You hide the lists away in one of your many journals. Stick it in the wicker basket under your night stand- and revisit it too many times in those days between.

You make a lot of other lists in that time, too. 

//////

One of them sits tucked in your purse as you make your way to the eighth floor- Arms folded across your chest and the inside of your bottom lip speared between your teeth as the elevator takes you up.

Wanda stands beside you, of course. Sipping on her iced americano. You’d tried to tell her that she didn't need to come, that you were perfectly okay with going on your own. You’d gotten about two words out before she shut you down-

“I already took the afternoon off, don't be ridiculous”

You both know you wouldn't admit it, stubborn as you we’re, but you’d let out a big sigh of relief. You really didn't want to do this alone.

The waiting room is standard for this building, looks similar to the one that you sit in when you see your GP- save for a sign hanging about the door that labels it the OB-GYN.

Fake plants and those standard waiting room chairs that had that weird diagonal print on them TV’s that we’re playing the local news and tables stacked with months dated magazines. There was no windows though and it made the back of your neck feel hot.

The receptionists is nice. Middle aged with mild with droning, mellow voice. She checks you in fast and efficiently and tells you that you’ve got about a 15 minute wait on your hands.

Annoying, you think even though you give her a big grin and a sweet ‘thank you’. You’d been right on time. Why in all offices of all kinds is there always a fucking wait?

Wanda has plopped down on a chair in the corner and is fingering through an issue of LIFE, her long legs crossed at the knee. you sit next to her. The office air conditioner is blasting, it had been a muggy May in the city, but you feel overheated. You let the chunky cardigan you’d donned slip down one shoulder, exposing your skin to the chilly air.

You should feel the cold but you’re over heated. Nervous as hell. Why doesnt anyone else in this office seem nervous?

You tend to people watch when you get overly anxious like you are now. Tend to take in every little detail of every little thing around you.

There’s a black couple- the woman doesn't look pregnant but they’re holding hands tightly and they keep whispering to each other. He smiles and nudges her shoulder with his. Then there’s a Latina woman who looks just about ready to pop and is reading one of the kids book to a little boy with her eyes. A white lady, with twin carriers rocks them gently as she chats with a woman who looked to be related to her, maybe. Older and graying.

You feel like a creep but you can't stop looking at them all. Staring at each of the people who are at different stages of the same  life-path you found yourself on.

Wanda clicks her tongue as her dark eyes focus on the magazine. Muttering, her accent thick, about how the lenses they used for the shoot on the page was all wrong.

Her photographers eye was snobby and elitist.

“Y/N?” The nurse calls you back, not butchering your name which is nice and look over at your best friend.

“Are you sure you don't want me to come back with you?” Wanda whispers, big gingerbread eyes searching yours and you shake your head quickly.

You had to do this, on your own. What if...what if you ended up having to do this whole thing alone? You had to be grown, had to face this solo. That’s just how you felt, even if it might not be true.

“It’s just another appointment- I can do it on my own. I’ll live” there's a reasoning lilt in your voice that she doesn't quite buy but she nods all the same. Tells you that she’ll be waiting right there for you as you muster up all your courage and train your face into a smile, following the nurse into the back offices, the door mechanically closing behind the two of you.

The OB’s office is...warmer then you’d thought it would be. Her desk has frames of all types and her walls are plastered with colorful posters, making the alabaster of the wallpaper less daunting. There was even a window in here.

You’re perched up on the exam table/ chair thingy, staring out at the tall buildings across the street, at the people moving fast below on the sidewalks. You wonder what all of them are doing? How many of the have kids?...

When there’s a soft knock at the door your attention snaps back to the present.

Doctor Helen Cho is a petite Asian woman. She has glossy dark hair that's tied up in a clip high on the  back of her head, and her voice is friendly and her expression open as introduces herself to you and reaches out to shake your hand.

“I’m Y/N, it’s nice to meet you, too” You sound so much surer and more confident then you feel. It had always been your party trick- meeting new people and being able to talk to them. Leaving trails of barley there acquaintances in your wake.

“So it says here that you think you’re pregnant, yes?” She gets right to it, and your appreciative for it.

“Yeah, I know I am.  I took four tests and they all came out positive and I...I feel really off” you try to explain it, poorly but she seems to understand.

“When you say off, do you mean like bad feeling off or?” She probes as she sits at her desk, swivels her chair to face you. Her chocolate almond eyes weren't piercing or clinical, just waiting.

“Not really bad? But I’ve just been so tired lately and I’ve had like, zero appetite. And my breasts have been so sensitive that it hurts to put on a bra” as you tell here these things you could slap your head for not assuming you were pregnant before you’d taken the tests.

Dr. Cho hums and nods as she looks over her tablet “Well from the look of these results from those blood and urine tests your nurse went ahead and gave you when you came in, I can tell you that you are definitely about nine weeks pregnant- so those symptoms are right on with where you are”

You inhale and exhale, bigly. It’s real. It’s been real, was a notion, a happening but now...it’s so freaking real.

And there's a real life changing decision to be made-

That you’d already made before you’d even walked into this office but now seemed even clearer. Crystal, in that moment of clarity.

“I want to keep it” Your confident as you say it. Your voice cracks with some kind of emotion you couldn't even begin to explain, but you’re confident. You’re sure.

Dr. Cho grins at you, and stands, congratulating you then, after she’s sure you even want a congratulations. You like her, think you might.

It’s hard to focus on her voice though because all your mind can think of is the next big obstacle, the next big step in all of this.

How were you going to tell Bucky?

Okay guys? I posted? Crazy right? lol give me some feedback! Comment and tell me what you thought of this. I absolutely love interacting with you guys, but I’m sure ya’ll know that. 

Also- the taglist for this story is still OPEN, so if you’d like to be tagged in future chapters just ask!

@peacefulwriter88 @jaamesbbarnes @jalapenobarnes @brieannakeogh @gifsbysimplysonia @lostinthoughtsandfeelings @lostinspace33 @4theluvofall @plumfondler @tatathekissypotato @siren-kitten-his @skishenanigans @geekyweed @spidey-babe-parker @lastfallenstar @rachelle-on-the-run @prettybubblesintheair @dani-si 

[chocojjk]

Eggs

summary: badboy! changbin if you squint 

words: 7k

warnings: one mention of death by illness

a/n: this took way too long cause i got so lazy lmfao, slide into my inbox with prompts cause idk what to write after this 

not edited per usual, im lazy :(((

you and changbin lived in different worlds

changbin has always been the schools most notorious bad boy

along with his group, 3racha

he was the typical bad boy -- gets into fights, wears leather, barely shows up to class, etc.

after watching countless of rom-coms, you and i, reader, should know that bad boys like to keep to themselves

and they won't bother you unless you cross their territory, not at all different from changbin

someone bullies one of his friends???

you might as well run now , because he will be coming for your ass

he catches you talking shit?

you should probably say goodbye to your mouth and have a doctors appointment ready

the point im trying to make is that seo changbin does not take shit from anyone

which doesn't really matter at this point because everyone has learned to fear him

on the other hand, you're, what they say is a “good girl”

too caught up with your books and your grades, in the library 24/7, worrying too much about the future you envision

you stayed away from drama as much as possible, happy with the 2-3 friends that you have  

and,,,

well,,,

you probably saw this coming,, but just in case you didnt, ill say it

your two different worlds are about to collide

---------------

youve been searching for a little over 20 minutes to where he could be when you finally spotted him at the table all way in the back of the library

you let out the deepest sigh, you shouldve figured he would choose that table jfc

‘he really is sticking to his reputation’ you think to yourself as you made your way over to him

“hi, im y/n, i'm your tutor,” you say, giving him a soft smile

changbin doesn't even bother to reply to you as he got up and left

you were left standing there like,,,

what the fuck just happened ??

before you finally snapped out of your confused trance and chased after him

catching up to him you grab his arm, putting a complete halt to his movement

and suddenly the library was even quieter than it should be

every single eye in the room focused on the interaction that lies in front of them

the notorious bad boy and the goody two shoes,,, how incredibly cliche

he looks at you, his eyes dark and unreadable

the expression on his face was emotionless yet it felt like he was crushing you under his stare

finally noticing that your hand was still gripped around his arm, you quickly let go, letting out a small “ehem”

the tension in the air was thick, it felt like someone just put a dark cloud above your head and you couldn’t blow it away

god damn this was awkward

not even the good awkward where you can laugh about it later, this is the kind of awkward situation that hits you in the middle of the night and suddenly you're just cringing at every bad thing you have done in the past

“uhm, im suppose to tutor you,” you try to say confidently as soon as you found your voice, but really it was barely above a whisper

“maybe show up on time,” he says, his voice as dark and as strong as his aura

and with one final look at you, he walked out of there

you didnt bother anymore, you knew you were at fault

‘we’ll try again tomorrow,’ you think to yourself before your best friend, hyunjin walked up to you, pulling you outside the library  

“dude are you okay?”

“uhmm, why wouldn’t i be?”

“i just saw you talking to changbin”

“ok and ?”

“he’s bad news y/n,” your best friend says, warning you

“ i dont really have a choice hyunjin” you reply

you think back to 3 days ago when you were called to the principal's office

not gonna lie, you were shaking in your boots,, only bad kids get randomly sent to the principal's office

as you entered the room, Mrs. Seo was already waiting for you behind her desk

“hi ms. l/n, i dont think weve formally met,” she says, reaching out to shake your hand

“ its nice to meet you”

“ please, sit down, make yourself comfortable,” she continued, pointing to the seat right in front of her

sensing your nervousness she quickly added a, “don't worry, you're not in trouble”

phew

your brain was starting to hurt from trying to rack what you must have done wrong to be seated in the big office

“ why am i here then if you don't mind me asking?”

“ ah yes, i need you to tutor my son”

,,,,,

oh

(◎_◎;)

,,,

“umm, why me?”

“you're top 1 in the class, is there anyone better than you to do it?”

well,,, she wasn't wrong

you mentally pat yourself at the back for this, happy that your efforts were being noticed

“don't worry ms. l/n, if you succeed, i’ll make sure you get into any college that you desire “

‘pshhhh, im top 1 ms seo, i can do that on my own’ you think to yourself 

“....and fully paid for.”

well, shit , how can you say no to that offer

its literally free education right in your fingertips  

what's the catch??

“ you can do that?” you ask

“ of course. i know very important people. so what do you say?”

and after a few minutes of contemplating within yourself, you finally agreed

“ also, while you're at it, i want you to change my son's reputation.”

and there it is

“ i'm sorry?” you reply,, maybe you just misheard the fact that she literally asked you to change her son

“ i don't just want you to tutor him in english, i want you to make him a better person.”

“how do you expect me to do that?”

“be his friend. teach him the ways of life, i'm not always gonna be around to get him out of trouble. You're a smart girl ms. l/n you'll figure it out.”

without giving you a final say, she ushered you out of there but not before she added

“ one last thing ms. l/n, dont tell anyone about this.”

the way she said it was so scary, and its like a spell was casted on you and you could only utter out an

“ of course mam”

i guess from her standpoint, she made sense

“ i just dont understand why Mrs. Seo chose you out of all the people”

“ we’ve already gon over this hyunjin”

“ yeah yeah, its cause youre the smartest of the class-”

hyunjin continues to talk however you’ve tuned him out as your eyes went to focus on changbin, himself

greeting the rest of his friends, an actual smile on his face, much different from the changbin you encountered a couple minutes ago

he gets up on his motorcycle and was about ready to put his helmet on when he felt someone staring at him ( i told yall, tYpiCAl bad boy )

he whips his head around in quick search for the culprit

and for the second time that day, you found yourself looking in the dark brown eyes of the the one and only, seo changbin

his smile quickly disappearing once he found your eyes

putting on his helmet whilst still maintaining the eye contact, he quickly drove away and you can't help but continue to just watch his figure retreat to the size of a dot until he was completely away from your line of vision

the next day - friday

you were in the library, seated in the table changbin used the day before

unlike yesterday, you were there dummy early

exactly 30 minutes before the actual tutoring session

he wasn't going to get away this time

finally , the chair across from you gets occupied, a backpack loudly flopping its way unto the table

he doesn't say a word,

he doesn't even look at you

he just sits there, staring at the table between you guys

“uhm, i think we got on the wrong foot yesterday, im y/n”

you say, a wide smile on your face, trying to change the atmosphere

he scoffs at this

‘omyfuckinggod who does he think he is’

‘im gonna fucking murder this kid’

‘his mom was right when he said he needed to change’

as much as you wanted to just punch him in the face, you plastered a small smile on your face instead

“should we start?” you continue

“i guess”

for the next hour, you learn that changbin doesn’t even need tutoring

he was definitely smarter than he lead on

he knew the answer to every single question you asked and didnt even seem like he was trying 

“uhmm, changbin can i ask you something?”

he just nods at you, urging you to go on

“are you failing your class on purpose?”

and with that he stands up, giving you a small smirk, “i think this session is over,”

“i-okay- i-i’ll see you on monday!” you say even though he was already a good 5 feet away from you  

-----------

as you laid in your bed that night, you wondered why the boy chose to fail his class

but no matter what scenario you could think of, you just cant understand it

is this what privileged people do ?

they know that they can get away with anything so they dont even try ?

‘aish, why am i thinking about him,’

‘y/n stop it’

‘ahhhhh’

you tried forcing yourself to sleep, to completely shut off all thoughts

but damn that stupid smirk on his face just keeps reappearing

and with that you slapped your pillow unto your face, not at all excited for the days to come

saturday night - 9 pm

to be honest, you weren't the type to go out on a saturday night

however you stayed in bed the whole day binging your netflix shows that you completely forgot to run your errands

so now you're here, at the local supermarket, buying your weekly groceries

you may be asking why can't your parents just do it?

well,,,

you only live with your mom, and she was very busy running the night shift at the hospital + picking up extra shifts

so she's really never home 

and when she is, she crashes right to sleep, exhausted from work

so ever since two years ago, when you turned 16, this has been the life that you were used to

you weren't complaining of course, she was only working to provide for you and your future

the least you could do is help around the house

after a good 7 minutes, you finally gathered everything that you needed

eggs, check

bread, check

peanut butter, check

a bag of hot cheetos,,,, check check and check

you nodded, proud of yourself for finishing it so fast and made your way to your car until a loud crash stops you from doing so

the next thing you know, you were being dragged into the alleyway

“1!!!!1111! I- get off of me,” you say thrashing and kicking, trying to get away

‘oh god, im gonna die tonight,’

‘if there is a god out there,, pls,,, not tonight’

‘i haven't finished my netflix series yet,, plssss’

however your thoughts were cut short when your captor whispered, “shhh, its changbin”

changbin??

chaNgbIN???

chANGBIN???

he finally turns you around, making you face him

“play along if you don't want to get hurt,”

and in one quick motion, his lips were on yours,,,

seo changbin was kissing you

your eyes open, stunned at what was happening

and then you noticed it...5 men walking around the area

and hoping that you've watched the right dramas, you pieced together what you think is happening

leading you to closing your eyes and kissing him back

which honestly caught changbin off guard, “good girls” dont react this way???

but he’d never let you know that, as he pulled you closer to him,

his arms snaking  around your waist

your hands going around his neck, the grocery bag being forgotten

yall were full on making out now

too caught up with each other’s taste to even notice the 5 guys leaving

(((im really bad at writing these kinds of scenes jfc, this sounds awkward as hell pls just picture it)))

until finally after like 23823 years, you pulled away, trying to catch your breath

damn, that kiss was good

probably the best one you’ve ever had

what????

just cause you're a goody-two-shoes doesn't mean you haven't been kissed before okay,,, were not going THAT cliche

he slowly lets go of you, his eyes darting to the grocery bag on the ground

“your eggs are broken,” he says

“m-my eggs?”, you reply, still on cloud nine,

following his gaze, you snapped out of your daze

“oh, r-right, my eggs,” you say softly, a frown making its way upon your face

changbin grabs your hand, pulling you towards the grocery store

“what are you doing?”

as usual, he doesn’t reply

honestly, you should be used to this by now

he dashes around the supermarket

you were right behind him, trying to keep up with his fast paced speed

finally, he gets to his location, the egg aisle

“which one do you want?”

“what?”

“eggs, which one?” he replies

“uhm, you don't have to, i can ju-”

“i'm not doing this for you,” he replies, cutting you off

you looked at him , not knowing what he meant

‘if he wasn't doing it for me then who the fuck is he buying these eggs for, i don't see anyone else here’

sensing your dumbness he grabbed a carton of the most expensive eggs and made his way to the cashier, pulling you along  

and you don't know why, or what has gotten into you, but all you could do was watch and follow

“here. were even now.” he says, before walking away, leaving you in front of the grocery store, holding a carton of eggs

monday

and now we’re back to the start of the week

which means another week of tutoring

as you waited for changbin to show up at the usual spot, you can’t help but think back to two nights ago

the feeling of his lips against yours all a distant memory yet at the same time, one that you could still remember clearly

“hey,” changbin says, breaking you out of your thoughts

“hi?” you reply, confused as to why he even greeted you in the first place

you guys do the usual, read a couple of flash cards, learn new words blah blah blah and all that boring crap that you learn in a high school English class

at one point you guys find yourself just sat in silence, and you can’t help but ask the question that’s been on your mind since Saturday night

“so who were those guys?”

“doesn’t concern you”

“uhm, the fact that you had your tongue down my mouth says otherwise,”

changbin was shocked, he wasn’t used to people responding to him the way you just did

don’t you know who he is???

he gives you one of his signature smirks, regaining his composure

“you liked my tongue being down your throat,” he says teasingly

o_O

＜(。_。)＞

excuse me what

is he flirting with you ??

what’s happening ??

“who said I did?” you say mimicking his tone, not allowing yourself to back down of this conversation

after Saturday night you told yourself that you were never going to just watch and follow

if you didn’t want the damn egg, you should’ve said something, you were so disappointed in yourself

you had your own brain, you can make your own decisions

besides you were here to be in control over him, not the other way around

“oh cmon, you’re really gonna try to refute it??” he says, the stupid smirk still evident on his stupid face

god, how you wish you could just smack it off

with your mouth

wait, who said that???

“you enjoyed it just as much as I did,” you say, knowing that if you answer then he would stop

and you were right, he completely shut his mouth and let the silence envelop you once again

“they were kids from another school,”

you look up at him, shocked that he actually answered

“why were they looking for you?”

“I may have keyed their car,” he says chuckling

“Because?”

“Isn’t that enough questions y/n?”

y/n

that was the first time he’s ever said your name

and you weren’t gonna lie, you liked how it sounded

“sorry”

“it’s fine”

“i don’t want to question it but why are you being so nice?”

“you helped me out without questioning me which means you trust me. im just returning the favor.”

“so, what im hearing is , you trust me?”

<(￣︶￣)>

“don’t make me have to say it out loud”

trust

you don’t know how you did it so quickly,

maybe the gods are at your side, but you finally got thE seo changbin to trust you

2  weeks later

you’ve been tutoring changbin just the same

same time

same table

same library

however, so much has changed

mostly the dynamic of your guys’ relationship

it was like he was a totally different person

like I said before, changbin was smart

but in these last couple of days, you realized just how smart he actually was,

he can honestly probably give you a run for your money

and because of this, your past tutoring sessions have ended up with you guys just laughing and joking around

weird, right ?

changbin and laughing ?

who would’ve thought ??

even onlookers were surprised

and everytime changbin laughed at one of your guys’ silly antics, you swear you can hear a pin drop

the whole room just becomes silent

at first, it bothered you how people were just listening in to your conversation, obviously judging the scene

but as the days went by and it seemed that changbin could care less, you started not caring either

and if you were being completely honest, you looked forward to spending time with him

when changbin was with you, it was just you and changbin, nothing else

he somehow manages to make you forget about reality

“lets ditch tutoring sessions today,” he says as soon as he took the seat next to you

“changbin, no”

“c’mon y/n, live a little”

“excuse you! I do have a life!”

“making out with your homework and watching Netflix shows 24/7 is not a life”

“okAy, now you’re just being mean,” you say, pouting at him

“im not being mean, I’m being honest,”

“yeAH and?? no one asked for your honesty,”

changbin laughs at this

lately he found himself laughing more

and for once, he didn’t mind it

you were doing something to him

and he liked it

“cmon, I’m not taking no for an answer,” he says, packing up your things

you sigh in defeat

you know that once changbin sets his mind to something, there's no changing it

so here you are, standing in front of an abandoned music building

“uhhhh, what are we doing here?”

“have you ever trespassed before?” he replies, a smug smile on his face

“nu-uh nope, no way in hell changbin!” you say, your attempt to stop this from happening

however, changbin was already making his way towards the door, completely breaking the lock

aannnndd

he was inside  

“c’mon y/n,” he says reaching out his hand to yours

even though all you need to do is take two steps forward and you're officially a criminal

you were scared shitless

what happens if you get caught omg

almost like he was reading your mind, he quickly says, “y/n, ive been here over a million times and ive never gotten caught,”

“i dont know changbin”

“hm, thats too bad, i wanted to share a secret with you,” he says, a hint of playfulness in his voice before he stepped out of the building and made his way towards his motorcycle

but of course,,,

you being a nosy bitch

“wait,”

“yes?”

“lets go inside”

you guys enter the building, the rooms getting darker and darker the deeper you go (this building is huge okAY)

if you weren't shitting your pants before, you definitely are now 

an abandoned building???

and its dark???

youve seen this in every scary movie out there

it never goes well

“uhm changbin,” you whisper, as you guys continue to walk

“hm”

“i-um can i hold your hand? im scared and - actually you know what its fine its dumb you dont hav-”

but before you can even finish your sentence, his hand were already laced around yours, providing you the comfort and security that you were looking for

you shut your mouth after that, just letting changbin lead the way

passing by so many rooms, each one looking the same as the other, it was starting to feel like a maze

however , changbin seemed to know exactly where to go

‘I guess he has been here over a million times’ you thought to yourself

“were here,” he says, opening the door and letting go of your hands as he reached out for the lights

not gonna lie, you were missing the way his hand felt around yours but thats not the time to think about that

“a music room?” you asked, clearly puzzled

“yeah, you might not know this about me but i can spit barsss,” he says, letting out chuckle

“eyE”

“you dont believe me huh”

“absolutely not”

“ok, watch this”

and with that he entered the recording booth, of course not after he pressed a bunch of buttons

honestly , you have no idea what he’s doing

but as soon as he put the headphones on

*cue any 3racha song because im too indecisive to choose one*

he was,,

indeed,,,

spitting bars

you could not believe your ears

who the fuck is this

you stood there, stunned at the fact the he was rapping about real shit and not something stupid and meaningless (rip wow, she is meaNinGFUL to me okAY)

after he finished rapping, the room was absolute silent

changbin felt dumb, he thought you were gonna praise him but there you were not uttering a single word,

he need you to say something ,anything,, hell, you can even laugh

he’d prefer anything over the silence  

he’s literally the ‘i just showed u my dick pls respond’ meme but its like ‘i showed u my talent pls validate me’

avoiding to make eye contact with you, he walks out of the recording booth

sitting on the couch against the wall, he finally breaks the silence

“so yeah, thats a song my friends and i wrote, its stupid-”

“its not stupid.” you say quickly

“oh?”

“since when where you into this?” you ask, curiosity filling your eyes, taking the seat right next to him

“what do you mean? music?? everyone’s into music y/n” changbin retorts, not wanting to go into detail

“hhhh, you know what i mean changbin,”

changbin doesnt know why

but he wanted to share this side of him with you

maybe because you were the first person that he has ever allowed himself to be close with

or maybe it was because you stuck around him for this long, no one, besides chan and jisung were able to do that

whatever it was, he wants to keep you by his side

he figured that showing you his true self would do just that

so after having a battle with his inner thoughts, he finally says

“my dad was really into this stuff, he taught me everything i know,” changbin beamed

“oh! thats really cool, do you still make music with him?” you say, genuinely interested, youve never really heard about his dad before

“uhmm, hes not really around for me to do that,”

aaaannd,,, thats why,, god reader smh

“oh, im sorry,” you say softly, mentally slapping yourself

“no its okay, you didnt know….he passed away when i was 11”

“what happened?,,,, y-you dont have to tell me if you dont want to,” you quickly added

“I want to,” changbin says, reassuring you

“he just,,, he just died in his sleep, apparently it was a stroke,” sighing, he looked up at the ceiling, trying to hold back his tears

“you must miss him,” you say, your voice still soft

for the first time since youve met changbin, he resembled a piece of glass

so fragile

he was giving you a piece of him, letting you see clearly a part of who he was

and all you wanna do is make sure that you won’t break that piece

“he built this studio...wanted to start his own music company,” he continued as you sat there just listening to him

“my mom hates it though, she stopped funding this place as soon as she can,”

oh

the mention of his mom suddenly brought you back to the deal that you have made 2 weeks ago

and god, you felt guilty

you were here, trying to change him, when nothing should be changed

sure seo changbin had a bad reputation but he is not bad

he’s just protective is all

to be honest, he was one of the kindest, gentlest soul you have met

“i promised myself that i would continue our dream, for him and me, but mostly for him,”

“i-is that why youre failing your classes?” you ask, everything finally piecing together

“huh?”

“you dont care about school because you already know what you want to do...where you want to be”

“hm, you truly are a smart girl y/n,” he says before nodding and flashing you a smile

those words

so similar to the ones his mom has given you

but this time you weren't in the mood to pat yourself in the back

because shit, this is thE dumbest thing you've ever done in your life

after hearing this, you made up your mind, you werent gonna partake in this deal anymore

if you were really as smart as everyone says, you can get into the school you want without any problem

sure it won't be free, but your mom aint working her ass off during her nightly shifts for nothing

and so, right when you go to school tomorrow, you were determined to end it

you’d still tutor changbin, you just won't accept any of the perks that came along with it

“thank you for sharing this with me,” you say genuinely, a smile creeping unto your face

“thank you for caring enough to listen,” changbin replies, his smile getting wider

and then it hits you,

“wait, so you mean to tell me that this is YOUR studio all along??”

and at this changbin lets out the loudest laugh

and you can't help but mirror his actions

1 week later

oof, that time jump, i thought you were gonna end it the next day reader

welp,,

you work hard, but somehow satan, aka the author, works harder

Mrs. Seo had to leave for two weeks, attending board meetings around the country, and whatever principals do,,, i'm too lazy to research what they actually do  

╥﹏╥

and so you spent another week, with seo changbin by your side

one week down, another to go

and when that day comes, you can finally freely hang out with him without all the guilt eating you up

this week you guys even hung out outside of the library

you’ve been with him so much, even your friends have started to notice it

“y/n, are you coming with us to the movies,” felix asks

“oh,, umm sorry guys, i cant,”

“who else are you gonna be with? i thought we were your only friends,” minho pointed out, a pout on his face  

“with changbin of course,” hyunjin hissed, obviously upset that you have been pushing them to the side  

“ i can hang out with anyone that i want,” you argued, really not having any of his attitude 

“ you shouldnt hang out with people like him,” hyunjin retorted

you scoffed, “what’s that supposed to mean?”

“i mean blink once if youre being held captive” hyunjin joked, as the rest of the table snickered

however, you didn't find it funny,

who were they to talk about changbin like that??

they didnt even know him

and so you stood up, leaving all your friends calling out for you

-------------

walking to the table, you flopped down on your chair, slamming your backpack on the floor

“what's got you in such a bad mood?” changbin asks

“nothing,” you huffed, getting your materials out of your backpack

you didn't want to tell changbin that your best friends think hes the devil himself and didn't want you around him

meanwhile , changbin was annoyed

it seems like he's shared so much with you since the music room yet he still barely knows anything about you

he wondered that maybe you didn't want to be in his life the way he wanted to be in yours

but fuck it, he’s just gonna spend the time he has with you enjoying it rather than filling his mind with negative thoughts

but damn, you're frown was really bothering him

“y/n,” he says, calling out to you

no response

“y/n,” he continues, poking you on the elbow

still no response

“y/n”

You sigh, looking up at him, an emotionless expression on your face, you responded with a strong, “what.”

*insert changbin doing aegyo*

and with that , you lost it

you were an absolute madman

you never expected that the one and only seo changbin

notorious badboy

would ever do aegyo

all because you had a stupid frown on yourself

you laughed so loud

changbin doing the same as soon as your melodic laugh hit his ears

which resulted to you guys being kicked out of the library

-------------

“ i cant believe you got me kicked out of my favorite place,” you say, seated in a booth inside the ice cream parlor near your guys’ school

another one of changbins ideas

“ hey its not my fault you laugh like a hyena!” he says smiling before you threw a curled up paper tissue at his face

a couple of seconds later, after your laughter has died down

“ so, you want to tell me now why you were in such a sour mood?”

you knew that if you werent gonna tell him now that would still end up finding out about it from someone else

and so you came clean

“ its just my friends,,,, they dont think youre a good influence, wants me to stop hanging out with you” you say

“ oh,”

“ but dont worry!, i didnt listen to them, i actually told them off,” you confessed

“ why didnt you listen to them? theyve been your friends longer than youve known me?” he asks

“ because they dont know you” you reply, “and im sure if they did, they would also be friends with you”

as much as he appreciated the way you stood up for him, he didnt want you going through all that trouble 

‘god, what did he even do to deserve an angel like you,’ changbin thinks to himself 

“ don't tell them off next time,” he grunted

“ wh-what?”

“ everything they say about me is true”

“ changbin, no its not”

“ honestly y/n it doesnt bother me so dont let it bother you”

“ why doesnt it bother you?” you ask, wanting to know the reason

“ because its high school. after this, literally no one would care anymore. and then real life starts, people move on and worry about bigger things, things that actually matter more than the status quo. let them say what they say.”

and just like every other time, changbin has left you stunned

the arrival of Ms. Seo - tuesday 

a week has passed since the ice cream parlor

and Ms. Seo was back in town

this was it

the day you finally put a halt to it

and you were beyond ready

you haven't seen changbin all day

you figured that since his mom was back then he was also back to avoiding the school like it was a plague

you entered Ms. Seos room, determined

“Ms. Seo -”

She puts a hand up to her lips, signaling you to be quiet

‘bitch omygod i literally cant keep doing this any longer,’

‘its already been over a month’

so you ignored her warning

“im not doing this deal anymore. I’ll still tutor changbin but I won’t change him,,,, and you can keep your stupid money,” you let out, releasing all the bottled up emotions

“is that all,”she replies

“yes”

“then you may leave”

what???

it was that easy????

you thought she was gonna stop you, force you to hold your end of the bargain

if you knew it would’ve been this easy then you wouldn’t have worried over it so much

but you don’t know a lot of things

and you certainly didnt know that changbin was on the other line

later that day

you’re seated in the library

usual place, usual time, waiting for the one and only seo changbin, yet he never showed

you didn’t think much of it

‘maybe he just forgot’ you tell yourself

the next day - wednesday

here you were again, waiting for him

still nothing

you try and think of reasons why he wouldn’t show up two days in a row and can really only think of one - maybe his mom told him that he didn’t need tutoring anymore?

but surely, he would tell you

right ???

sure you guys started off on the wrong foot but you were friends now

at least you thought so

you decided to just give him the benefit of the doubt

‘maybe he’s just busy’

2 days later - friday

you’ve tried everything you can do to get a hold of changbin

all your calls went straight to voicemail

texts were left on delivered

you didn’t even see him around school anymore

it was like your worlds never collided and he was never a part of yours

you were starting to get worried, what if he got himself into trouble

“look who decided to show her face,” hyunjin comments as you took the seat next to him

ever since the day you guys had your argument, you have never been able to talk to him about it

“im not in the mood,” you reply,

hyunjin sensing that you were exhausted,

“hey,” he says softly, “what’s wrong?”

“nothing”

“y/n please, we’ve been friends for over 3 years, you don’t need to lie to me”

“aren’t you mad at me?”

“no. im upset that you’ve been pushing us to the side for your little boy toy but im not mad,” he says giving you a soft smile

hhhhh, it was times like these you remember why he was your best friend

hyunjin was just so thoughtful, so caring

you return the smile he gave you as you pulled him in for a tight hug

“I’m sorry hyunjin”

“it’s okay, im sorry too, now tell me what’s wrong?”

“it’s just changbin-“

“I swear to god, if he even laid a finger on you he’s a dead man”

“no!” you say quickly putting an end to his assumption

“so what happened?” he asks, eyebrows going up in sheer curiosity

and then you told him

you told him about the deal with Ms. seo

about how your relationship with changbin changed along the way

how you ended the deal

and now we’re back to changbin and ignoring you

“damn, well have you tried actually going to him?”

“i wouldnt even know where -”

and then it hits you

the abandoned music building

“hyunjin, youre a genius!!!,” you say excitedly

“thanks, we been knew”

“ i have to go ill explain later, bye!!” you say, dashing out of there as fast as you could and made your way to the abandoned building

taking the bus there gave you time to reflect on everything that has happened this past couple month

how much your life has changed since changbin entered it

he pushed you to take risks, to live out of your comfort zone, to not care about other people’s opinions

he made you feel free

and most importantly, he made you happy

the good girl has fallen for the bad boy, i told yall this was gonna be cliche right?

continuing on

just as you  expected, the door was open

the dark didnt even bother you anymore, the only thing in your mind was changbin

oh,, where could he be??

could you ever find your way into this maze of a building and retrace the steps that he took when he was by your side?

as you got deeper and deeper into the building, you feel yourself start to get lost

‘fuck i already saw this door’

‘omg y/n did you really just walk in a circle’

and then you hear it

music, singing

your nightingale

you walk faster, desperate to get to the voice

and here you are now, face to face with the one and only, seo changbin

he stops singing as soon as he saw you walk in

“hey,” you whisper out yet he continued to just stand there, not uttering a single word

“your voice is really pretty, i didnt know you could sing!-”

“what do you want?” his voice, dark and firm just like the day you first met him

This caught you off guard

Did you do something wrong?

“Did i do something wrong?” you say, not aware that you have said your thoughts out loud

changbin chuckles but it was so uninviting, like he was taunting you

“ please, drop the act”

?????

“what?” you reply, completely confused

“ you dont like me ”

“ changbin, what?”

“ you're just like everyone else”

“ changbin i really dont understand pl-”

“ i shouldn't have trusted you.”

“ what?!??, no changbin, you can trust me! just tell me whats wrong!”

all the while, you guys were still talking with a glass between the two of you

ironic, since you felt like a wall has been planted around changbin and you cant reach him  

“ you think i should change”

“ no”

“ what do you mean no? I heard you y/n! I heard what you told my mom, i heard about the stupid deal, the stupid money!”

(⊙…⊙,)

“ changbin, let me explain”

“ i know im known as the bad boy y/n, but you… youre even worse than me”

“ changbin.”

“ youre a monster”

and with hearing those words, the tears that you have been so desperately trying to keep just bursted out like a waterfall

changbin too, has let out his tears

and all we got now are two broken people who can clearly see each other yet are still on opposite sides of the glass

“ you're just like everyone out there that you have resented, you judged me by other people’s words, i thought- i thought that i can finally found someone i could open up to but you never even gave me chance from the beginning”

you let him talk without interrupting him

you deserved the ache you were feeling in your heart

everything he said was true

and with that he breaks down, straight to the floor, back against the wall, hugging his knees

and all you could do was watch, until you couldn't take it anymore

you finally entered the recording booth , taking a seat on the floor right next to him, mimicking his broken figure

“im sorry”

silence

you looked up at the ceiling as you sighed

he deserves an explanation

“ yes, i took the deal, but that's because i thought i needed it changbin. I may be smart, but financially my family isn't doing well. my mom already works extra shifts but it still won't be enough. my dad isnt even in the picture, i dont know where the hell he is”

and with this, changbins head slowly perks up, looking at you with his glass-like eyes, as you continued to stare at the ceiling

you were finally opening up to him

just like how he has been doing

“ i took the deal because, you’re right, i judged you, i was stupid and i never expected us to actually be friends, clearly i was wrong. you have taught me so much. you have pushed me into doing things i never thought i could do. you made me see the world in a different way.”

he’s still just listening to you when you finally took your eyes away from the ceiling and faced him

“ i understand if you dont want to see me anymore but i cant leave you knowing that i never got to say this,” you continue, afraid of the results that were about to come

“ what else are you hiding from me?” he says, but this time, he says it softly, the furious changbin that you have encountered just minutes ago was completely gone

“ i think im in love with you,” you say, quickly looking down, embarrassed at your confession

“ y/n look at me,”

“ i dont want to”

“ why?”

“ i know you're gonna break my heart”

“ you broke mine first,” and with that he lifted your chin up, making you look him straight into his eyes before kissing you

this kiss was different from your first one

it was slow but passionate, filled with all of the unsaid words between the two of you

your guys lips both slightly chapped from all the crying

yet his lips still felt like the softest pair against yours

pulling away, changbin leans his forehead against yours, his eyes closed

yours were open though, taking the sight all in before you pulled away, wiping away his left over tears

“ god, were a mess,” he finally says out loud, before he pulled you in a tight hug 

“ im sorry,” you say again

“ i’ll forgive you if you promise to continue tutoring me?”

“ what ?”

“ continue the deal, get the money”

“ changbin, i really don't want to do that”

“ i know you dont. but we have to finesse my mom somehow,” he says, bursting into a smile, clearly joking

…

..

“eYE,,, i cannot believe you right now! You can't be serious!”

“ but i am. go back into her office tell her you’ll continue it and get the money for your education.”

“changbin! stop joking! I already feel bad about it!”

“Okay fine i just like it when you tutor me okay, its kinda sexy” he says

playfully slapping him, you guys laugh, the tension in the air finally gone

“ you know if you didnt buy me those eggs, we wouldnt be here by now,” you say, a small smile on your face

“ hmm, and why?”

“ because those eggs were the first time i realized that the most notorious bad boy, the one and only Seo Changbin, can also be soft,”

“ do not use my name and soft in the same sentence ever again,”

“ what are you gonna do about it?” you reply, taunting him

and so

he pulled you into another kiss

and another

and another

until a series of laughter coming from the both of you interrupted it

“im glad i bought you those eggs”

hhhhhhh this ending is so rushed and so bad i just didnt wanna leave it unfinished 

ALSO IM SEEING STRAY KIDS BITCHES!!!!!,,,,,, MY SEAT HELLA FAR BUTS ITS OKAY BECAUSE ILL STILL BE THERE ╭(′▽`)╭(′▽`)╯

[jenna-jayde-the-renagade]

When i was 13, i found out that men can and do become women. That there was a word for the way i felt inside: transgender. All i had to do in order to be who i am is reach out to the right people, seek help and support.

However, it isnt always so easy. Our world judges people like us in alot of scenarios, and for a kid who just wanted to live her best little life that was a scary concept. So i hid it, i did well until i was 15 and 16. My dad and my stepmom went through my room, twice. On both occasions they found womens clothing, which i would quite often wear to bed cause i felt so soothed by the soft fabric. I had leggings, and panties, and a sports bra, and a white tank top the first time. Even back then i always loved the way leggings hugged my lower half, and how relaxing and comfortable sleep was in them. Back then it was a source of comfort, i "dressed up" in order to cull the anxiety i had from putting on this mask every day. It was killing me.

I made fun of, i bullied my own kind, i bullied the LGBTQ community as a whole. I did it because i wanted to distance myself from my own identity, and cause i was jealous of other trans women who were already in their transitions and living their best lives!! I became a homophobic, misogynistic asshole to just get away from it, and to make sure nobody would ever expect it. I hate that period of my life, i look back on it in deep shame.

But then one day i moved into a place that i would eventually feel safe in. I was 18 now, and just starting to really get worn down by drugs and mental illness. But i turned around there, and i got really close to the staff at this group home. They supported me like my parents would, even though they were a different nationality and spoke bad english i felt closer to the group home workers than almost anyone else. They talked me down when i was mad or crying. They helped me get further in life. I had thoughts of coming out one day, and how i could probably do it both in vancouver and in this house. I had thoughts of how it would go. Who to tell first, it raged in my head for a couple weeks. But one day i was with my therapist, we were driving around and i had just gotten a cheddar bacon angus burger from mcdonalds with a vanilla bean frappuccino to drink. But before i could eat, my stomach wouldnt let me go on without telling my therapist whats really going on.

"I dont know how to say this ashley, but its been on my mind since i was 13 and ive planned out the whole process in my head already! Im fucking trans, im a woman, i want to be a girl and im tired of putting on this rough and tough mask just to try and fit in and be a man!! Im tired of rough, i want soft!! I want to have boobs!! I want to have nice long legs with thick hips! I want to see the sparkle come back to my eyes! I want to see my smile have happyness behind it, and not nothing, im tired of faking it!! Im scared, i could never do this around my dad, or in kelowna!! But ive got a fresh start in this city, and i know i can do it with the supports i have!! Everything i did was to please someone else, and i tried to be the best man i could to hide it.. im not a man though, im a happy, beautiful girl and im tired of hiding her!!"

That was 2017, in the spring. I was a drug addict back then, and i lived full time as a girl for 3 whole months!! Although i was so happy, and felt so comfortable in my skin i couldnt handle it once i lost my supports on top of my addiction.

On september 14th 2017, i buried Jenna for a while. I felt so horrible, even rhough i knew it was temporary i didnt know how temporary it would be. I was scared to be a boy now, and i felt even more dysphoric full well knowing the result of transitioning and the improvements to my mental health. Burying jenna was burying who i am. It couldn't last long, and once i got sober on december 15th 2018, and got myself into a safe space again in march. By late april i couldnt hold jenna inside me anymore, she needed out, jenna needed to bloom and grow big and strong!! I came out a second time to my mother and my grandmother who were both as accepting as two people who know no trans people aside from me can be. It went well, i told them it was time for me to resume my transition.

They were there for me when i reached out to Skipping stone, and got hooked up with a gender therapist. By august i had a date for when i would start hormones, october 9th 2019. On october 9th i was tense, i just wanted it to go right. I even had a little freakout in my appointment at my phone. But, after driving an hour and half each way, i walked out of my doctors office still in boy mode, but with a script for cyproterone and estradiol!! I started that night!!

When i started hrt, i was a different person in two weeks, i wasnt jayden, i was jenna. I acted way more feminine, my skin got softer, my erogenous zones changed, my voice got higher, my testicles shrunk. The feminization process had begun! I had emotional breaks here and there, and it hasnt been easy all the time. But my bad days today are still better than my best days when i was playing a character, acting as jayden. Today when i get sad, i put on something cute, and i take some cute pics and i look at them. I love it when i can honestly say, i love the way im changing. How my face lost the wrinkles of 5 years of bad habits in two months!! How my breasts are here and so so sensitive, i feel them moving on my chest and theyre like little stress sacks there for me to squeeze and hold when im feeling down!! I love the feeling of weight on my chest, and the jiggle when i walk or hit bumps on my bike! My medical transition so far is destroying any bit of my dysphoria!

I think trans is beautiful, because theres something just so positive, so god damn enlightening and beautiful. About one mans journey to woman. My body is changing, its curves being accentuated, its features becoming more noticeable by the day. I feel so much joy when i see a change, when i notice my body looks feminine. Or when i get compliments, like "my god youve got legs for days!!" It makes me know for a fact i chose right, cause im a beautiful girl, going through this beautiful process with beautiful changes.

Jenna jayde is a girl, i wasnt born a girl, but i make a better girl than i ever could have a boy. Wearing clothes that make me happy, and feel hugged all over from the soft tight fabric. Feeling emotions i never thought existed after a while on hrt!

Its so beautiful, like a sunflower swaying slightly in the summer breeze!

Life is better now, its worth standing up and fighting for.

Woot woot!! Its trans positivity jenna!! Woot woot!!

[b0x]

only pre 2015 me and crack cocaine have the power to transcend time and space to backhand me across the head like this and dare i say good for them. message to still somewhat sane me: go to uni for neurolgical how that shit go brain dream science instead of art and gaming stop watching game theory and reconnect with your friends idiot stop being a coward stop being afraid and belittling yourself because everyone else did fuck you and fuck them dont waste your life in that better universe like i did in this one ok i read your posts i read all your little About Me heehee memes well guess what youre not just depressed bitch you got every mental illness under the hood AND are an addict now on top! hows that for a zinger! go write emo god complex poetry about it and put yourself down further why dont you GOD i hate you but i dont because its not you it was never you what i really hate is that no one else listened and no one else cared and thats why you ruin every friendship and relationship you make because every waking hour every breath you take is a living reminder that youre not wanted even when you are and its not your fault and its not theirs and you fucked it all up but so did everyone else!!!!! so did everyone fucking else. and that makes you alive! that makea you fucking human. your guilt your shame your regret your anger and pain cos NONE of that would be there in the first place if you werent at your core full of love and endless vision and confidence and charm and DREAM. and in the end IIIiiiiii took that away from you. i fucking did!!!! not the trauma not the abuse not the torment-Me I did. and youknow what NOTHING and NO ONE Ever prepares you For?how to deal with that and how to move on. not even your fucking triple dozens of therapists youve been stuck with since the womb that you practically know them better than your damn fucking nonexistant family. so FUCK. . live. please live. love. live. mend and fix and repeat. for me. for me more than anyone else please for me. and dont forget please for the love of god more than anything else dont ever forget. record and write and put up but dont forget because your memory will completely break and deteriorate in a few months and you wont know why until it hits you years later how much it ruined your most important connections and how much its going to start terrifying you to the point of getting sick that you cant remember things that you can sense Must have happened, until you start believing they never did and were nothing more than vivid dreams or whinding feelings of deja vu. nonones going to understand you so stop trying to make it happen.understanding yourself is enough to keep the people that want to listen to you in. you wont get anywhere without allowing yourself to walk first otherwise. its nice when people notice and come to you by initiative, but remember every single fucking time you couldnt or werent able to either. im about to hit this post button so fucking hard it better knock right into your skull 5 years into the past get ready for it. ps GO OUTSIDE theres still time for you to grow some inches and DONT chicken out on your gender transition appointment because you got that shit IMMEDIATELY by sheer luck and chance and Miracle and im stuck here now waiting two fucking years and ongoing with NO change. THATS what happens when you dont take risks. howthat saying go its easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission that probably doesnt even apply here so just pretend it does and GO

[dead-thorin]

whew a lot has happened in the past few days yall

first and foremost, @allangelsgobyangharad saw that i was sad AND SHE SENT ME A BOOK AND SHE IS SUCH A GOOD EGG I LOVE HER it really cheered me up

so a dude broke my heart over the weekend and it literally wasnt his fault, i just had hopes that we could do a long distance thing and he didnt want to bc he felt like he was in a bad place in life to do it; it be like that.

I dont really decorate my room bc im kinda just like ‘well ill be moving in a year, why bother?’ but at target i bought some stuff (including a new shelf!) and some decorations and my room looks more lively and lived in now. I have a white board im using, a letter board that im gonna write positive messages for myself on (rn it says ‘keep going’), i changed my curtains to something less dark (theyre white with flowers on the bottom), a fake plant that looks realistic, and a wax warmer to diffuse lavender scent into my room (it smells damn amazing). My therapist was really proud of me for doing all this and im proud i did it too. Like being in the room gave me anxiety and made me sad and switching it around really helped me separate us being together and him leaving and me sleeping here and shit

i got myself a book about anxiety and meditation thats p funny (by dan harris) and im gonna read it tomorrow during lunch and maybe take some notes. Ive also been thinking about going back on medication so i think im gonna schedule an appointment tomorrow with the psych here and see what she thinks. itll suck but i think for rn its best bc ive been anxious for a while and until i can get my coping mechanisms down, ill need some extra help. therapist was also proud i was pro active in this

The process for top surgery is slow, but moving. The doctor faxed my letter over to the wrong department (bc the number was wrong on the website) so Im heading down there tomorrow and getting a physical copy. I called yesterday and she hadnt responded and thats the MO with this fucking office so I have to physically go there for it. It be like that. Also one of the students I work with goes to the city I wanna get surgery in and he said he was down to give me a ride there so im covered. 

I had lunch with a friend and we talked about like my future plans and i mentioned how i was just like... done with library science. Its a lot of things but like a lot of people went into the field bc theyre like “oh i like reading!” when thats not what this field is about. Or they dont actually want to serve the public the way libraries are supposed to (like allowing individuals experiencing homelessness to be in that space). And like the job market is hard and public librarianship doesnt offer that great benefits so im like nervous (I always have a problem of looking too far ahead in life tbh). Michelle has always told me I would do great in public health bc i have a wide skill range, Im p sociable and a people person, i love educating, im passionate about the topics i talk about, etc so like i might do another masters in public health and theres one program i saw that looks good and the university also offers remitted tuition so in theory i could work there and get my degree too. I also probably wouldnt need gres since id already have a masters degree. My therapist slightly roasted me for this and was like “Jordan... too far ahead..” and i was like I KNOW!!! God I always do that but yeah at least i have a plan and if anything I could probably be an academic librarian for a public health department at a university; well see where life takes me

anyway yeah i feel a lot better about things and i know that life goes on and that im 23 and young and shit and that its just hormones but it just really sucks. And like Michelle said maybe one day we would get together, its just not the right time but im so impatient smh (which she also roasted me for; lunch with her is like being slowly cooked at 425F for an hour but its amazing). And if its not meant to be, then its not meant to be and thats ok too

[superdoodleoakley]

oakley is 7 months!

a little(?) update on how oakley and i are doing! :D (under the cut)

ill start with myself and keep it brief, as i know you’re probably just here for the swamp monster. i saw the geneticist last week, and didnt quite get my dx but things are still being worked on (i need some more tests done before they can confirm). i have an appointment with the cardiologist on dec 7th, where hopefully i’ll get a pots dx. my mom (who used to, like, just roll her eyes and tell me to fuck off when i mention my illnesses) has been really on board with everything lately, and is finally pushing to get me help i need (i can go into more detail with this, but it’s getting too long). only problem is my parents really dont want me getting mobility aids, which im slowly needing more and more. im not gonna go into that too much as im sure nobody really wants to hear about it aha,, 

now onto the man!!

we’ve started working on body awareness exercises, and with what he knows already he’s doing pretty damn great! he knows how to “step up” onto a stool (as in put his two front legs on it), and he’s pretty good at backing up (still have to turn that into a command). we’re gonna keep working with “step up” as he just mastered it today. after he’s super comfortable with the stool and the command, we’re gonna start expanding to other objects. his stays arent getting quite as long as i’d like, but i know why he does it so it isn’t too much of a problem. his biggest problem is staying off the counters, and the problem with that is nobody takes over when i’m in school, so when he’s out he’s not being followed with a clicker and treats. we haven’t been able to go out as things have been crazy in my house due to a few things, so not really much of an update on  how his pa training is. we did, however, go out on halloween. i have to say he did so, so well that night. for the most part, people didn’t notice he was behind me (i kept him there because he doesn’t have a solid leave it, especially if something’s dropped in front of him, and i wanted to be able to get to candy before he did should something drop) until we turned around because he was sitting or laying down so nice and quietly. on top of that, we got compliments from just about everyone we ran into!! the thing that made me the most happy, though, was the fact that he’s getting much much better at retaining his focus when someone lets their dog come up to him (which happened a lot bc people assumed hsi vest was a halloween costume //: WHICH IS WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER DRESS UP YOUR PET DOG AS A SD FOR HALLOWEEN EVER NO MATTER WHAT). i also let a few people pet him, just to see how long it would take him to get back into what he was doing/to see if i could maintain his focus throughout. he did good with that too! im sure theres more im forgetting but my hands are cramping up so i’m gonna end it here aha,,, 

if you did read this, thank u for that !!!! i appreciate knowing other people like hearing about how we’er doing. sorry it was so long,,,,

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 80

Yayyyy “Eighty”. Lol im just glad theres no ‘7′ anymore! I Hate 7, but then about the number of days increasing? um ok thats a weird thing to think about ‘-’ Erm i guess you know the idea that the number is just getting bigger every day makes me feel like erm times just passing on and on and on non-stop but then idk. Maybe you could look at it from the other end, and take it as, with the passage of time youre getting closer and closer to the other end. Other end? well yeah, i mean idk what that is, but there must be something awaiting worth to be taken as the end to this count! 

Maybe one of my talents is blabbering BS :) 

So ive been kinda eating. Like low calorie food. But. food. Like not “one apple and around 10 almonds and tea per day” sorta thing. But like, my food portion was actually enough to stretch my stomach a tiny bit or more like tough my stomach walls :) 

So theres this thing within me. Stuck. Like I want something, i need something. And i am not getting it. And i want it. I want it so badly. But ik thats not happening right now, no way. But i cant silence this inner rush within me. Its like stuck in me, fighting to come out. Its like pushing against my skin, trying to fight its way out. Trying to tear me apart, trying to make me scream. BTW - this is not pain or some huge cry of sadness. Its this adrenaline rush, this thirst for an outburst of excitement, this void sucking you into a loophole of -idk what- Oh.god.please.pull.me.out.of.this. Lol! Or i could just say all that in one sentence - Its freaking hard to stay patient- Mentally/ emotionally keeping cool is one hell of a work! It just keeps coming at you, trying to suck your inner peace away

I guess 2 days back, I got so desperate all of a sudden LIKE GOD, i need to lose weight asapppppp! and started googling all BS stuff which i guess works yeah but is not healthy and like even the ‘internet’s all - do not do this, it is not good - and shit. Well after that, i kind of accepted it that yeahh yeahh yeah owwkaaayyy i get it, like actually ‘losing wight in a healthy way’ takes time and stuff and okay okay ill stay calm and okay okay ill stay committed & blablabalba Cause like you know about that argument - food vs body????? so yeah i LOVE food. food is like so important to me, its almost as important as human beings to me, i mean i have top 4 people i love, and then i need food & then...well no, i think i need money after my favourite humans cause like! If you have money, you have food, and once you have food, you still have money so you can go shopping and buy whatever you want - and yes what else do i want? Exactly :) :) :) 

Okay so about today! Hmph so decided to go to the hospital but then tada my mom & bro had took appointments too, for today in some other hospital. And so went to theirs first and then went to mine which is like soo far awaayyy and i usually go their with dad cause like why pull everyone along with me, theyll just get bored but then today they just had to come along cause like they had to go to their hospital first and all that. so unluckily, the computer crashed or something in my hospital and they asked to wait, and it was late and my bros and mom were like so bored so thought of dropping them at some mall and then coming back and checking if their computer started working but then ended up deciding to go again tomorrow so UGH hospital again tomorrow! 

And right now my tummy is full so i cant work out so i guess Ill wait till after fajr. plus anyways it doesnt matter whether i sleep right after fajr or a bit later, i usually dont get out of bed before 2 30pm or almost 3pm and thats cause at 3pm enough is enough and i NEED to get up to not miss zuhr. behehehe but cmon riyadhs heat right now. maynnnnnn I mean seriously ytf would anyone even bother getting out of bed during the day unless like you HAVE A GOD-DAMN reason ‘-’ 

Now my head just went empty all of a sudden lol idk what to write xD theres this one thing but im not in the mood for it right now. 

OH in case all my ‘inner void’ and ‘hard being patient’ stuff seemed confusing - i just miss him a lot. Nothing new :) And guess what, i guess its just easier, WAY easier to accept it :) :) :) 

idk why i keep giving this smiley a lot out of the blue but trust me i have a poker face most of the day. i mean im all poker face or im stupid and goofy pretending like life is actually really easy and shit and im nailing it :) but then i go back to being all poker face real soon so im okay! 

Oh so I read the Quran with the english translation and commentaries after fajr today. It was mind blowing <-- i wish i had better words to use but from all the ones i have, i guess that works. I read a bit. definitely didnt read the translations duh i mean thats some old weird english i wont even get most of it. but the commentaries good. Planning on continuing, a little a day! 

oh another thing that comes with the hard staying patient and wanting something to happen but knowing it wont and all that is. ACCEPTING that life is all highs and lows and many of the times its pretty boring, i mean lifes not a ‘movie’ cause trust me i dont i ever saw people in movies having a boring day. Idk i mean i just want every day to be like eventful and all lively and stuff but then this life is not supposed to be that way. but then i mean, ugh its SO HARD to breathe when its boring :) 

ok enough. 

p.s. other than movies, i guess 5 year olds or even youger have pretty exciting lives too :) and then.. ONE DAY.. heuheuhehueheuu muahaha *stupid evil laugh* 

Ok bye :):):):):):):):):)

[huhnerkopf]

I have an appointment for a new bottle of t next week im excited yall im 4 months on and pretty happy with my progress, excited for more to come. Im pretty happy with my voice so far, i keep getting worried that its gonna somehow get TOO MASC but then i record myself and its still not quite masculine enough so i dont think im gonna have a problem there. Its still changing a bit and i cant sing at all, but the spot my voice cracks in has gotten higher and higher the past week so i can no longer do a stunning taako impression like i could literally 2 weeks ago. Ive already noticed a small change in body hair, theres more on my legs and stomach but the thin wispy preemptive shit. Not sure if my facial hair has changed to get more peach fuzz yet or if im just paying more attention to it. Dont really need a razor yet because its blond and i can get away with it but i will probably need a shaving kit before halloween. But theres hair growing on the underside of my knee and its very uncomfortable. I knew i was gonna be a hairy boy but im kinda getting nervous about the hair. Not because its gross but because it WILL need to be managed which costs money and time to groom and i guess i hadnt really thought of that until recently. On the flip side, i thought bottom growth was really gonna freak me out and was making me anxious for like a month, but it hasnt really caused any anguish at all and im so fuckin relieved. Im ready for redistribution of fat, because my thighs and butt are actually the most dysphoric thing for me after voice, but that doesnt really happen till after 6 months. Ive gained like 10 lbs, probably should go to the gym but apparently i have to pay a membership fee any time im not enrolled in classes so that cant happen till july. I have an uncomfortable amount of extra discharge that will NOT go away and its getting more and more unbearable but im 90% sure its not a prolonged infection and i dunno why its happening so thats the only reason i have like, an actual appointment with my nurse. I may go ahead and let her get the gyno shit out of the way, im comfortable with my body, i turn 21 in less than 2 months, and ive never had sex and dont plan on it so like.. why not.. And my roommates just had top surgery almost 2 weeks ago which is awesome but has also made me actually think about it. Im pretty ambivalent towards my breasts, i would almost certainly hate them if they were any bigger. But they're just kinda there and dont bug me beyond making me put on a binder. Binding doesnt hurt and isnt even noticable to me, its just kinda inconvenient. But even if money wasn't a thing im not sure id get it done. Because in situations where im nude and comfortable i kinda like them. Idk i cant really justify why i like them, but i cant really justify why i hate my voice or butt or anything else im actually dysphoric about. Now, i DO hope i go down in size a little bit. I think im in a weird limbo between an A and a B cup. It would be awesome if i didnt actually have to bind all the time. Like if i could convince myself that i can pass with just a shirt on thatd be the optimal situation. In general i just... Feel so much better. Calmer. More stable. Less stressed. Im not really feeling dysphoric in public anymore i actually am feeling straight up euphoric. This was such a good decision and even my mom is beginning to see that. But at the same time.. im worried... Im genderqueer. Im not a binary transition. Im not nervous ill hate myself, because im pretty solidly comfortable with all the permanent changes and can control my dose for the secondary changes. Im worried that once im comfortable and have the resources that i wont be able to express my actual gender identity. Like im just worried it wont work. I love masculine clothes and i love feminine mens clothes. They are different moods. Sometimes i feel like suave dress attire, sometimes im feeling rugged and Sharp, others i feel like a soft pastel demiboy. Sometimes i wanna go out looking like a winchester in the morning and then by dinner i consider the pros and cons of makeup after going to target and noticing the girls section can actually be very cute when i know i dont HAVE to wear it. Like i just really want to make it clear that the past 6 years of my life ive owned very few outfits i actually like. Super clear. Jeans and a tee are classic, they worked all throughout high school and middle school and they're working for now. But im worried that a year from now i still wont have to body to make anything work. Like all the damn clothes are massive on me. And my waist has changed sizes like 6 times in 3 years. Im worried that t wont help that. Or im worried that ill get too masculine to pull off soft moods or ill remain too feminine to make any of it work in a way that screams "i am 100% queer and also definately a guy." Which is hard as hell to nail and i wrote a A+ term paper last semester on why thats so hard to get. One thing is for sure though, i will never regret starting t. Ever. It could be my cause of death and i will probably still think its all been worth it.

[oh--poorsweetgrl]

You know what's fucking awful?

I'm 21.

I'm broke, and I'm sick, and my doctors appointments and hospital bills and medications rack up so fast, so I have to work.

But I'm sick. And standing up for 8 hours does things to my body that I cant even explain. Being physically and mentally active and present for 8+ hours non-stop is excruciating and nearly impossible.

Every day I wake up and remember that in order to live and be well, I have to work, and work means pain and exhaustion, so I dont really feel like I'm living and I'm not getting well.

But when I've had to quit or go on medical leave, I've been ridiculed and judged and interrogated about when I'll be returning to work or when I'll get better. My illnesses dont have an expiration date, or a deadline, they arent in a hurry to go away, and I'm pushing myself so hard that I'm getting worse.

And now, on top of that, every day is filled with the fear of being too sick to work. Losing my job because I cant make it, or I have to leave early, or because I cant keep standing for that long. (The company I work for is shitty and has fired someone for sitting on the floor before, so, yeah.) All of that anxiety doesnt help me get better, all of the judgement doesnt help me get better.

I'm starting to think I may need mobility aids for the fatigue, weakness, and pain because its getting so bad. And as I was thinking about this the other day at work, I looked around and I realized something-

If I were to need a wheelchair, I wouldnt be able to do my job..

There is no ramp to get up on the platform for the register or behind the counters, nor is there space for it in the openings. I wouldnt be able to clock in without standing, I wouldnt be able to use the register without standing, I wouldnt easily be able to speak to customers from behind counters without standing. I damn sure couldnt fit a wheelchair in our office when I needed to go back there. Like what the fuck???

It's kind of terrifying to live like this? And I feel like I shouldnt have to.

[samanthasroberts]

Tired Wife Neglects Husband for 4 YearsThen She Writes a Confession for Millions to See

He was tired of her excuses, so she just couldn’t hold it in any longer…

By Laura Birks

Dear Husband,

I am sorry.

Im sorry that youve been neglected for the last four-and-a-half years. Im sorry that your needs are secondary. I assure you, you are still one of my top prioritiesyou just arent on the top of the list anymore.

I know that you have needs, wants, dreams and desires. When I tell you that I want to be the one you lean on, I mean it. I know you are tired of my excuses of being tired, having a headache or am already snoring when you snuggle up next to me. Trust me, I wish I had the energy I had five years ago. Hell, I wish I had the energy I had two weeks ago when I washed, folded and actually put away all 10 loads of laundry. Of course, you didnt see that because I was letting you get some much needed sleep.

I know that some days it feels like we have a business partnership. And youre right. Some dayseven weeksfeel that way. Know that I want better for our marriage, for us. Because together, we are damn good.

The problem is, my life, my brain and my body are so wrapped up in being a mother to those little boys wholook exactly like you. Even after theyre sound asleep and were sitting on the couch watching a movie, my brain is still in mother mode.

Im thinking about tomorrow; Im thinking about 10 years from now. Im wondering if you have work clothes for tomorrow. Im worried about money, milestones and milk. Do we have enough milk? I cant turn off being a mom. It is who I am now. And it is physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting.

I dont want you to think you arent as important as you once were. I couldnt live this life without you and I wouldnt want to, either. But the simple fact is, youre an adult and you can do things for yourself. You can vote, so you can make your own lunch. You are legally able to drive a car, so you can figure out how to make a doctors appointment.

When you come home from work, you, unfortunately, are getting the worst version of me. I gave our children the best. A little secret: Sometimes, some days, there just isnt a best version of me. There just isnt.

I cant worry about your health, the boys health, the pets health and my health. Who do you think gets ignored? Its not you. Its not our children or our pets. When I say I dont feel well, when I say I havent been sleeping, its because I havent been taking care of me.

Yes, you tell me to go to the doctor, to eat better, to drink more water, but I am my very last priority. I know I need to change that and Im not complaining. Im explaining that when something has to give, because no one person can do it all, I am the thing that gives.

Im worried about your sleep apnea, your allergies, your knee spasms. I am worried about the rash Alex has, and the snotty nose that Ben suddenly started with. I am concerned about our dogs ears and what its going to cost to take her to the vet.

While Im thinking about it, Im worried that the fish have too much algae in their tank and the water needs to be changed. Ill just add that to the never-ending list of things I will feel guilty about when I am trying to sleep tonight. None of this your fault. I am not blaming you, or wishing you were any different.

You do extraordinary things for our family. You work harder than any person I know. You care more about everyone, including me, than any other human I have ever met. I love you a little more each time I see you help someone knowing you will never get anything in return. You are the kindest, most loving father to our children. There is a reason they cry when you leave for work. Yes, it stings a little, but knowing that you are their role model in life fills me with love and pride.

I am not the person you married 11years ago. I have changed and evolved into a wife, mother, friend and keeper of all schedules. I am a party planner and a personal shopper. I am a chef specializing in chicken nuggets and pasta. I am a housekeeper that cant keep a house. I am the cheerleader and the librarian. I am the night and the day nurse.

I wouldnt change any of it. I dont want any other life. I love you and I love the life that we created. But I am not the spontaneous, beer drinking, sexy bad girl you met way back when. I am a mother. And it is all of me.

Love Always,

Your Wife

**Dear Husband: I’m Not the Person You Marriedappeared originally on Parent.Co. Used with permission.

About the Author:Laura Birks is a freelance writer based in New Jersey. She spends her days writing and nights chasing 4-year-old twin boys. She currently is a regular contributor for Twiniversity.com and has been featured on Scarymommy, Role Reboot and SheKnows among others. You can find her on Twitter, @leroy6168.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/10/13/tired-wife-neglects-husband-for-4-yearsthen-she-writes-a-confession-for-millions-to-see/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/10/13/tired-wife-neglects-husband-for-4-yearsthen-she-writes-a-confession-for-millions-to-see/

[jimdsmith34]

Tired Wife Neglects Husband for 4 YearsThen She Writes a Confession for Millions to See

He was tired of her excuses, so she just couldn’t hold it in any longer…

By Laura Birks

Dear Husband,

I am sorry.

Im sorry that youve been neglected for the last four-and-a-half years. Im sorry that your needs are secondary. I assure you, you are still one of my top prioritiesyou just arent on the top of the list anymore.

I know that you have needs, wants, dreams and desires. When I tell you that I want to be the one you lean on, I mean it. I know you are tired of my excuses of being tired, having a headache or am already snoring when you snuggle up next to me. Trust me, I wish I had the energy I had five years ago. Hell, I wish I had the energy I had two weeks ago when I washed, folded and actually put away all 10 loads of laundry. Of course, you didnt see that because I was letting you get some much needed sleep.

I know that some days it feels like we have a business partnership. And youre right. Some dayseven weeksfeel that way. Know that I want better for our marriage, for us. Because together, we are damn good.

The problem is, my life, my brain and my body are so wrapped up in being a mother to those little boys wholook exactly like you. Even after theyre sound asleep and were sitting on the couch watching a movie, my brain is still in mother mode.

Im thinking about tomorrow; Im thinking about 10 years from now. Im wondering if you have work clothes for tomorrow. Im worried about money, milestones and milk. Do we have enough milk? I cant turn off being a mom. It is who I am now. And it is physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting.

I dont want you to think you arent as important as you once were. I couldnt live this life without you and I wouldnt want to, either. But the simple fact is, youre an adult and you can do things for yourself. You can vote, so you can make your own lunch. You are legally able to drive a car, so you can figure out how to make a doctors appointment.

When you come home from work, you, unfortunately, are getting the worst version of me. I gave our children the best. A little secret: Sometimes, some days, there just isnt a best version of me. There just isnt.

I cant worry about your health, the boys health, the pets health and my health. Who do you think gets ignored? Its not you. Its not our children or our pets. When I say I dont feel well, when I say I havent been sleeping, its because I havent been taking care of me.

Yes, you tell me to go to the doctor, to eat better, to drink more water, but I am my very last priority. I know I need to change that and Im not complaining. Im explaining that when something has to give, because no one person can do it all, I am the thing that gives.

Im worried about your sleep apnea, your allergies, your knee spasms. I am worried about the rash Alex has, and the snotty nose that Ben suddenly started with. I am concerned about our dogs ears and what its going to cost to take her to the vet.

While Im thinking about it, Im worried that the fish have too much algae in their tank and the water needs to be changed. Ill just add that to the never-ending list of things I will feel guilty about when I am trying to sleep tonight. None of this your fault. I am not blaming you, or wishing you were any different.

You do extraordinary things for our family. You work harder than any person I know. You care more about everyone, including me, than any other human I have ever met. I love you a little more each time I see you help someone knowing you will never get anything in return. You are the kindest, most loving father to our children. There is a reason they cry when you leave for work. Yes, it stings a little, but knowing that you are their role model in life fills me with love and pride.

I am not the person you married 11years ago. I have changed and evolved into a wife, mother, friend and keeper of all schedules. I am a party planner and a personal shopper. I am a chef specializing in chicken nuggets and pasta. I am a housekeeper that cant keep a house. I am the cheerleader and the librarian. I am the night and the day nurse.

I wouldnt change any of it. I dont want any other life. I love you and I love the life that we created. But I am not the spontaneous, beer drinking, sexy bad girl you met way back when. I am a mother. And it is all of me.

Love Always,

Your Wife

**Dear Husband: I’m Not the Person You Marriedappeared originally on Parent.Co. Used with permission.

About the Author:Laura Birks is a freelance writer based in New Jersey. She spends her days writing and nights chasing 4-year-old twin boys. She currently is a regular contributor for Twiniversity.com and has been featured on Scarymommy, Role Reboot and SheKnows among others. You can find her on Twitter, @leroy6168.

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/10/13/tired-wife-neglects-husband-for-4-yearsthen-she-writes-a-confession-for-millions-to-see/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/10/tired-wife-neglects-husband-for-4.html

[adambstingus]

Tired Wife Neglects Husband for 4 YearsThen She Writes a Confession for Millions to See

He was tired of her excuses, so she just couldn’t hold it in any longer…

By Laura Birks

Dear Husband,

I am sorry.

Im sorry that youve been neglected for the last four-and-a-half years. Im sorry that your needs are secondary. I assure you, you are still one of my top prioritiesyou just arent on the top of the list anymore.

I know that you have needs, wants, dreams and desires. When I tell you that I want to be the one you lean on, I mean it. I know you are tired of my excuses of being tired, having a headache or am already snoring when you snuggle up next to me. Trust me, I wish I had the energy I had five years ago. Hell, I wish I had the energy I had two weeks ago when I washed, folded and actually put away all 10 loads of laundry. Of course, you didnt see that because I was letting you get some much needed sleep.

I know that some days it feels like we have a business partnership. And youre right. Some dayseven weeksfeel that way. Know that I want better for our marriage, for us. Because together, we are damn good.

The problem is, my life, my brain and my body are so wrapped up in being a mother to those little boys wholook exactly like you. Even after theyre sound asleep and were sitting on the couch watching a movie, my brain is still in mother mode.

Im thinking about tomorrow; Im thinking about 10 years from now. Im wondering if you have work clothes for tomorrow. Im worried about money, milestones and milk. Do we have enough milk? I cant turn off being a mom. It is who I am now. And it is physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting.

I dont want you to think you arent as important as you once were. I couldnt live this life without you and I wouldnt want to, either. But the simple fact is, youre an adult and you can do things for yourself. You can vote, so you can make your own lunch. You are legally able to drive a car, so you can figure out how to make a doctors appointment.

When you come home from work, you, unfortunately, are getting the worst version of me. I gave our children the best. A little secret: Sometimes, some days, there just isnt a best version of me. There just isnt.

I cant worry about your health, the boys health, the pets health and my health. Who do you think gets ignored? Its not you. Its not our children or our pets. When I say I dont feel well, when I say I havent been sleeping, its because I havent been taking care of me.

Yes, you tell me to go to the doctor, to eat better, to drink more water, but I am my very last priority. I know I need to change that and Im not complaining. Im explaining that when something has to give, because no one person can do it all, I am the thing that gives.

Im worried about your sleep apnea, your allergies, your knee spasms. I am worried about the rash Alex has, and the snotty nose that Ben suddenly started with. I am concerned about our dogs ears and what its going to cost to take her to the vet.

While Im thinking about it, Im worried that the fish have too much algae in their tank and the water needs to be changed. Ill just add that to the never-ending list of things I will feel guilty about when I am trying to sleep tonight. None of this your fault. I am not blaming you, or wishing you were any different.

You do extraordinary things for our family. You work harder than any person I know. You care more about everyone, including me, than any other human I have ever met. I love you a little more each time I see you help someone knowing you will never get anything in return. You are the kindest, most loving father to our children. There is a reason they cry when you leave for work. Yes, it stings a little, but knowing that you are their role model in life fills me with love and pride.

I am not the person you married 11years ago. I have changed and evolved into a wife, mother, friend and keeper of all schedules. I am a party planner and a personal shopper. I am a chef specializing in chicken nuggets and pasta. I am a housekeeper that cant keep a house. I am the cheerleader and the librarian. I am the night and the day nurse.

I wouldnt change any of it. I dont want any other life. I love you and I love the life that we created. But I am not the spontaneous, beer drinking, sexy bad girl you met way back when. I am a mother. And it is all of me.

Love Always,

Your Wife

**Dear Husband: I’m Not the Person You Marriedappeared originally on Parent.Co. Used with permission.

About the Author:Laura Birks is a freelance writer based in New Jersey. She spends her days writing and nights chasing 4-year-old twin boys. She currently is a regular contributor for Twiniversity.com and has been featured on Scarymommy, Role Reboot and SheKnows among others. You can find her on Twitter, @leroy6168.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/10/13/tired-wife-neglects-husband-for-4-yearsthen-she-writes-a-confession-for-millions-to-see/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/166372160262