#someday ill get to experience what it feels like to have a friend actually value me hehklehker >:)

[callilouv]

its yearning hours oh myg od

[vajranam]

Power Of Virtue

Results of Doing the Ten Non-Virtues

1. Killing any living being. It includes abortion, suicide (ruining a body that could have reached nirvana in this life), and participating in the military (even being a cook, it is as if you shot the gun yourself).

Personal Result: Your life is short; and you get sick easily, have little energy.

Environmental Result: Food, drink, medicine, crops, have very little effect, are always inferior, are not nutritious, are hard to digest, and cause disease in you. Most beings around you die before reaching the end of a full life.

2. Stealing anything of value: includes shady business deals, cheating on rent, taxes, or bills, underpaying what is due to local government or society, etc.

Personal Result: You do not have enough to live on or to make ends meet; and what you do have is all just common property with others.

Environmental Result: The crops are few and far between, they have no power to remove hunger, they spoil or never come up; dry spells stay on too long; it rains too much; the crops dry up or die off.

3. Sexual Misconduct. It mainly means adultery — cheating on your partner, a person to whom you are exclusively committed. It also includes some specific secondary behaviors.

Personal Result: The people who work around you are “inconsistent” (unreliable); and you find yourself having a lot of competition for your partner.

Environmental Result: You live in a place where there is urine and feces all around, and mud, dirt, filth; everything stinks and everywhere seems unpleasant and distasteful.

4. Lying, giving someone else a wrong impression about what you have seen, believe, or know; unless it would save someone’s life or prevent real suffering. If you lie and get something, the benefit comes from past good deeds, not from the lie.

Personal Result: No one believes what you say; even when you are speaking the truth, others are always deceiving you.

Environmental Result: Your work in cooperation with others fails to prosper and people around you do not work well together; everyone generally is cheating one another and is afraid, and there are many things to be afraid of.

5. Divisive Talk, splitting people up with your talk; saying things to alienate or separate two different people, (regardless of whether or not your words are true); causing one person to like another person less; it is usually subtle, like in your tone of voice.

Personal Result: You lose friends easily; people around you are always fighting one another; and people around you have an undesirable character.

Environmental Result: The ground you live in is split up, uneven, covered with crags and gullies, highs and lows, so travel is difficult and you are always afraid and there are many things to be afraid of.

6. Harsh Talk, with bad intent and effect; it includes sarcastic “nice” words and swearing.

Personal Result: You hear many unpleasant things, you hear things as bad sounds; and when others talk to you it always seems to you as if they want to start a fight.

Environmental Result: The ground where you live is covered with obstacles like fallen tree trunks, thorns, stones, sharp broken glass; it is rough, dreary, no streams or water springs; the ground is parched and poisoned, burning hot and threatening; there are many things to fear.

7. Idle Talk, meaningless chatter, criticism, disputes, useless joking, whining, complaining, speaking out of the motive of attachment or craving; gossiping about politics, sports, etc., or about people engaged in wrong livelihood; reciting prayers while not thinking about their meaning. Gossiping about others’ values or spiritual practice. Dharma is sacred and should be discussed in holy private whispers on special nights, not casually — talk in hushed tones, very beautiful sacred speech, talk about inspiring things. As an aspiring bodhisattva, you may need to discuss mundane topics with others for their benefit, but keep the ultimate goal in mind, and do not be drawn into worldly conversations.

Personal Result: No one listens to you; no one respects what you say — no one thinks that what you say has any particular value; and you are afflicted with a lack of confidence and self-esteem.

Environmental Result:Fruits refuse to grow, or grow at the wrong times, seem ripe when they are not, have frail roots; there are no leisure places around like parks, or pools of cool water; many things around make you afraid.

8. Craving/Coveting, is similar to coveting in the Ten Commandments. Wanting others’ possessions and personal qualities like their intelligence, health, fame, youth, or spiritual achievements. It comes in five stages: you are attached to your own possessions, desire to accumulate more than you have, discover another’s possessions, like to make them your own, and the desire becomes unmanageable and you “lose shame” (then you act).

Personal Result: Your personality is dominated by desire; and you are never satisfied with what you have.

Environmental Result: Every good thing you manage to find starts to get worse, decrease as days, months, and seasons pass.

9. Ill-Will, is to wish bad things upon others; being pleased when others fail or have misfortune; competitiveness, like “Oh, how did they mess up? Tell me more…” not feeling as bad for an unfortunate person as you would feel for yourself if you were them.

Personal Result: Your personality is dominated by anger; you are always finding yourself without help, or never find the help you need; and you are always hurting others, or always being hurt by others.

Environmental Result: You live in a world of chaos, diseases spread, evil is everywhere, plague, conflict, fear of harm from the military, dangerous animals, you are surrounded by harmful spirits, thieves or muggers, etc.

10. Wrong View, “Incorrect world view” means not regarding karma as being the direct cause of every microsecond of experience we have. This leads to doing misdeeds #1–9.

Personal Result: Your personality is dominated by stupidity; you are a person who keeps harmful views; and you are a deceitful person.

Environmental Result: You live in a world where the single highest source of happiness is steadily disappearing from the earth; where people think that unclean and suffering things are actually nice and happy; where there is no place to go, no one to help you, nothing to protect you.

THE TEN VIRTUES

Any actions we do that cause both oneself and others to experience happiness as a result are known as virtuous actions. The classification of virtuous actions is:

Not taking the life of living beings

Not taking what is not freely given

Abstaining from sexual misconduct

Speaking truthfully

Not engaging in divisive speech

Speaking gentle words

Not gossiping

Not coveting the wealth of others

Giving up holding ill-will towards others

Right view

Contrary at what we think virtues wasn't here before the Buddha teaching, we can find on vedic and pte hindu text the notion of virtues very similar, now when we come to Buddha teaching Shakyamuni stress on those virtues because he realised that without that nothing happened.

Virtues is rightous act made in selfless action, without thinking “ gonna get good karma doing this “ , virtues are made in selfless mind to.

How do we do virtues by practicing the Dharma ? So we do virtues because first we renounce to samsara, second we want to practice for sake of all sentient beings and last we generate bodhichitta. Without those we won’t make any virtues, now virtues applications so yes we will mess up in today world full of extreme yes we will do non vitues to cancel them we need to confess fault and hiden fault by the body, speach and mind.

There's a zen proverb that say that the zen master made more mistakes than the students. So making mistakes well it’s normal our day will be more grey tham pure with or dark. What we mistaken to be like Garchen Rinpoche for example that years of work, Garchen Rinpoche himself said himself if we look to his karma he didn't had much virtues but he didn't give up on Dharma not even for a day.

That same attitude we need to have, yes we will face hardship someday we will make just non virtues and that ok because we will regret transform and carry on its part of learning Dharma to the deep.

It’s very easy to see if we got virtues and on what we use those virtues, in past I was worried about money because I was very poor, till I notice well I am not so poor because I met Karmapa, Shamarpa, took refuge very high vows with Garchen Rinpoche, recived empowerments that Milarepa himself had, wasn't poor was extremely ritch I just noticed that virtues was in Dharma there for I focus on those and left the rest. So we maybe poor, ritch or whatever but we can see on what way go our virtues for example in our life there's an area that very grow that where is our virtues, after that area maybe not Dharma mean we actually burning virtues and if we want to practice we need to develop bodhi mind .

[writedisaster]

@entales said:

talk about... (spins a big wheel) lip's feelings on vampires and their decision to purposely embody the role of victim to cope

        Oh BOY.  So I already talked on this a bit here, but let’s go deeper.  (Okay, there’s gonna be multiple other posts linked throughout this post, because that’s just how I roll, but if you only have time to read one of ‘em, make it that one.)

        As described in that earlier post, Lip’s fascination with replaying the attack¹ came from a desire to take control of the narrative— a way to retell the story while casting themself in a way that put them in control of it.

        The nature of their work is also, in a way, a reaction to years of enforced hiding.  By bringing the action to an audience, they bring it out into the open, to a point where it cannot possibly be denied.  ...Well, kind of.  Their performances are showy, but the truth of the first attack isn’t something Lip ever shares.  In a way, their current routine is actually just a different way of hiding.  In the same way that they’ve camouflaged the first scar by simply covering themself in more scarring, they hide the reality of their victimization by covering it in the glitter of stage victimhood.  They grew up with their family’s rules, pretending the thing that hurt them never happened.  Now they’re out on their own, living by their own rules, and they pretend the thing that hurt them doesn’t hurt at all.

        Under the cut I’m gonna talk more about the history of their behavior, as well as addressing the other part of this question.  Warning for discussion of grooming, abuse, addiction, self-endangerment, mentions of suicide.

        Lip started experimenting with feeding vampires when they were 16.  They would lie about their age, of course, on the off chance that anyone ever bothered to ask them, but it wasn’t as if anyone cared.  Not at the parties they went to, anyways.  They’d sneak out, find their way downtown, mingle with the creatures of the night, and inevitably find someone whose hungers were compatible with their own.

        In Lip’s world, of course, there are moral vampires.  There are vampires who are careful, ethical, and compassionate in how they choose to feed.  These sorts of vampires don’t fucking feed on 16 year olds, so everyone Lip was hanging out with at this stage in their life was... the other sort.

        Like a lot of predators, the crowd Lip fell in with was great at making them feel special, mature, desirable², and in control.  Lip’s only other social contacts at the time were their family (who ranged from abusive to clueless) and their it’s-complicated best friend.  In that context, their new crowd felt like a godsend.

        Hanging out with their new friends made them feel good.  Here were people who could see the side of Lip that was always hidden, and would never call them broken for it.  Here were people who got them.  Here were people who could give them what they wanted.

        The reality, of course, was that Lip never mattered to any of them as anything more than a piece of meat.  When they ran away from home, the illusions started to fade.  None of their new friends would put them up for longer than a night.  A few might toss Lip pocket change after taking their fill of them, but it was never a fair trade.  Looking back, Lip knows they’re lucky that none of those “friends” felt like taking them in, knowing there's no way any such arrangement could have ended well for them, but at the time, they were just a desperate, homeless teenager, watching the people who’d sworn they were there for them shut doors in their face.

        Unfortunately, it was a little late to get wise.  At that point, getting bled felt like the only way Lip could cope with their world.  It wasn’t about reclaiming their narrative anymore, or empowering themself to face the darkness, or anything like that.  It was about getting through the night.

        And it sucked!  It nearly killed them!  On multiple occasions!

        Talking about Lip’s journey out of that place would be another long-ass post entirely, one that I do hope to write someday.  Not right now, though.

        For now, I’ll say Lip is doing a lot better.  Not perfect.  They’re not anyone’s ideal of what a model Recovered Addict looks like, and not only because they’re not trying to go abstinent-only (that’s not a criticism, I honestly think avoiding the A.O. approach is best for them).  Even working within their own paradigm, though, they’ve had some backslides.  As of the point in time I write as their mainverse, they have only barely begun the part of the process where they’re realizing that if they’re not actively going out to try and throw their life away every night, they need to find something else to do with it.  And they have no idea what that something else could be.  But still— they’re doing better.  Sometimes they feel like no one else would understand how this could be what better looks like for them, but they’re doing so much better.

        But back to the first part of this question: Lip’s feelings on vampires.  Which are... complicated.  As much as Lip has pretty much built their professional life on vampirefucker behavior, it’s... nowhere near as simple as they make it seem.

        Given everything I’ve just said in this post, it would make sense to assume Lip has an overall negative feeling towards vampires.  But it’s nowhere near that simple, either. They don’t bear any ill will towards vampires as a group.  They don’t think vampires are monolithic.  There are vampires they like.  There could even be vampires they might love.  But- well, the best way I can put it is that being around vampires makes them feel very aware of how killable they are.  Which they don’t necessarily think of as a bad thing; killable also means alive, and they’re willing to do a lot of things to feel alive.

        But there is... something else to how they feel about the idea of vampire existence, which is, like, a certain sort of hypocrisy.  In Lip’s worldview, other people can be vampires and still be good people.  Other people can be vampires and still add positive value to the world just by existing exactly the way they are.  But Lip?  No.  Lip would rather die than ever live as a vampire.  (With, in the whole of the multiverse, one possible exception.)  This is why I don’t have any AUs where Lip is a vampire— outside of the single aforementioned exception, if Lip was ever turned vampire, they’d be dead by their own hand as soon as possible.

¹ When I say ‘replaying the attack,’ it's worth noting that the exactitude varies. Some nights, Lip’s performances have no similarity with the attack at all beyond the mere fact of being bitten.  Other nights, the action plays a lot closer to home.

        How do they reconcile their belief that other vampires can lead meaningful and positive lives with their own personal feeling that death would be preferable?  Mainly by thinking about the second thing as little as possible.  If anyone tries to offer them eternal life as a vamp, they’ll laugh it off and say they would have no idea what to do with all that time.  After the initial brush-off, if anyone got pushy about it, Lip would panic and cut ties completely.  There’s a lot of bad treatment they’ve endured without feeling the need to cut the other person out of their life, but the idea of ever finding themself on the other side of this hunger is... completely beyond bearing for them.  They’ll do anything to avoid that threat.

·····  ·····  ·····  ·····  ·····

² Given what I’ve said about Lip’s feelings on their own attractiveness, it may seem slightly contradictory to say they have a need for the feeling of being desired, but oh boy, they do.

[letsmisfits]

PTSD Pathfinder: Part 1

I wanted to call this, “The Wary Traveler,” but some a-holes from Canada beat me to it. I don’t actually think they’re assholes, but I felt threatened and wanted to assert my dominance. I checked out their website, I didn’t read anything, but it actually seems pretty tits. I’ll think of a better name at some point in the future. Also, I may have posted this under a different username somewhere on this website. I remember doing it, but can’t remember my username. So if anyone is reading this, I promise I’m not plagiarizing. Fun fact, it is plagiarism to not cite oneself. I made a Haiku about that when I first learned about it. “Just today I learned, that it is plagiarism, to not cite oneself.” Moving forward. 

PTSD Pathfinder: Part 1 (I hate this fucking title so god damn much) 

PTSD is an illness with a mind of its own. From its home base situated deep within your brain it directs operations. It's goal, on the surface at least, is to keep you safe. The brain doesn't like trauma, and so it goes out of its way to prevent further trauma from happening...or at least that's the idea. Oftentimes the way this plays out makes things a whole lot worse, especially if you're in high school, god what a mess that shit was.

Recently I likened it to living with two versions of myself. First there is "Me," and then there is "trauma me." I don't capitalize "trauma me," because frankly, he's a fucking dick. Not only to himself, but to other people. For example, when my roommate comes home and opens the garage, "trauma me," gets all pissy and my roommates friendly "howdy," is met with a short and forced, "hi." How does someone get so flustered by a garage being opened?! And who the fuck opens up with, "howdy?"

This happens to us all the time. The most innocuous things seem to send us into a death spiral. A combination of anxiety, anger, self-loathing, and sadness.

The other thing to know about humans, is that we NEED to connect with others to stay healthy. This is why Tom Hanks had to become best friends with a volleyball in Cast Away (I know I shouldn't be, but I'm still bitter about his woman leaving him in that movie). The thing about PTSD is that it wants the exact opposite. Truly connecting with other people when you have been through trauma is not on the agenda. 

So there you are, stuck on the one hand wanting nothing to do with people (the reasons are endless, "they'll want to talk to me, they'll will try and attack me, they will do ______ to me"). On the other hand, you are sad because you want nothing more than to connect to people. It's a bit of a problem. Not only do you not want to connect to people, you end up afraid of the world as a whole. Like yes, I could go to the park today, but it's better I stay home and watch TV. Yes, I could go to that party, but what if one of the three hundred scenarios that have played out in my brain come to fruition? Then you end up feeling like you've wasted your day. The cycle continues.

Recently I was faced with the mild, and by mild I mean a 0.0013%, chance that I had multiple sclerosis. The other thing about PTSD if you haven't gathered already, is that you are anxious all the time about EVERYTHING. Even the smallest things can cause problems for some of us. I once dated a woman who was afraid to get ice cream for herself when we were at the store...she asked for my ice cream later that night and after providing her with a bowel of that delicious frozen sugar, I asked her why she didn't get ice cream when we were talking about it at the store. Turns out this was quite an anxiety provoking process for her (I hope the people who caused this issue for her die, slowly).

Anywho, since I was faced with the prospect of immobility and death, I decided I needed to go out more. However, this is a bit tricky due to the ole PTSD. Today I said fuck it and decided to venture out into the world farther than I normally would on my own. A 37-minute drive later and I was at 7 Bridges Park in South Milwaukee, WI. I got to a bluff and climbed down the 100 or so feet to the beach. It was mostly empty which is just what I like, save for the couple with their dog walking towards me.

Why do people have to walk towards me? Can they just yield? Take a rest while I walk by at a safe distance? What do they want? What if they say hello? What if they stop to talk to me? What if their dog comes close to me? Do I pet it? Then what happens? These are the thoughts that run through my mind just about every time I encounter people in the world. They walk by, I'm safe. BUT WAIT. The beach ends, now I have to turn around...guess who's taking their sweet fucking time enjoying life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?

I had to stop and pretend to marvel at the scenery like four times so I didn't have to be next to them. Don't get me wrong, the scenery was pretty sweet, but you can only look at a giant body of water so many times before it loses its luster. Eventually I got back up the bluff and kept climbing. I had to convince myself to take a more risky path because that's the opposite of what my PTSD wanted. It then occurred to me:

There have to be a bunch of people just like me out there...wanting to live life but afraid to do so because of the ten thousand things that could go wrong. Maybe in my travels and desire to be with the world and find myself n shit, I can start documenting my experience for others? It could help some people. There's also a small chance that it could be really impactful someday; maybe I could make a living as a blogger (I think the odds are pretty slim on that one).

So here I am, making a blog. I don't know anything about blogs. I don't know how to write them, where to post them, who to talk to about them. Nothing. But I know that I have a reason to go outside next weekend, which is great. Maybe someone will find value in this..…then I would have no choice. I would have to go outside. I would have to talk to that person. I would have to leave the country (I would start with Canada as there is a fairly limited chance of being murdered there...not that there is an increased chance in most places, but this is how my brain works). I would have to do all of the things that PTSD doesn't want me to do.

Maybe if someone finds value in this, it could be like the man in- the- hole story. I heard it on The West Wing (which is full of fun parables).

"This guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, 'Hey you. Can you help me out?' The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, 'Father, I'm down in this hole can you help me out?' The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by, 'Hey, Joe, it's me can you help me out?' And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here.' Joe says, 'Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out.'"

Update: I changed my name :) 

[recentanimenews]

ESSAY: Recovery is on the Board in The Queen’s Gambit and March Comes in Like a Lion

Image via Netflix

  It wasn’t totally planned that I would watch The Queen’s Gambit so soon after I finished March Comes in Like a Lion. While I was still coming off the high of watching March (a series, in retrospect, I should have added to my Best of the Decade list), it’s not like I needed another tabletop game drama to watch. But Gambit’s buzz was beginning to stick in a way that I couldn’t ignore. What I was not expecting when I started was just how similar and emotionally resonant The Queen’s Gambit is to March Comes in Like a Lion, and how much I would find a personal bridge between the two.

    Before I see the comments: Yes, I know traditional chess and shogi are very different, both in their play style and the structure of their leagues. The two shows are also very different outlets, with March being a 44 episode series based on an ongoing manga where Gambit is a seven-episode series based on a singular novel. 

  However, within the first minutes of Gambit, I couldn’t ignore the similarities: Beth Harmon and Rei Kiriyama, both orphans who lose their families in a car crash, come to their respective games at a very young age, and find they have a particular knack for them. As they grow older, they are ostracized for their skills and backgrounds but still play the game for both a sense of accomplishment and, eventually, a way to pay the bills. They also both hold an incredible amount of trauma and a mental illness that impacts their daily lives. For Rei it’s depression, whereas for Beth it’s a drug and alcohol addiction.

While Beth and Rei struggle with their mental illnesses on separate levels, I have actually experienced them both — and in a more complementary way. I am now two years sober, but I have struggled with depression all my life, where alcohol acted as an accelerant device that fed the machine. Now, I’m not talented in anything like Rei and Beth, but their struggles were all so familiar: Rei waking up to mornings questioning himself what purpose there was to get up. Beth’s very early, illusionary support with alcohol. Even across shows and surface-level similarities, it all connected and hit closer to home more than I could have ever imagined.

  Image via Netflix

  Every sports-related show is about what each player brings to the game, but for Gambit and March, the matches on the board always seem much more intimate. As each game gives the characters a lot of time to just sit and think, they still need to use an incredible amount of mental power to focus on what’s going on in front of them as opposed to within themselves. 

  With Rei that weight comes from trying to carry on a notable Shogi family name, while also living on his own and continuing to be resented by the family’s children for taking their presumed mantles. Beth must support herself and her adoptive mother while managing her mom’s alcoholism, as well as her developing addiction. When each sits down for matches, it’s not just about climbing the ladder and wanting to become the best; It’s about actual survival and being able to put food on the table.

However, as both of them put so much on the line every time they play, that extended effort fuels their distinctive illnesses. Rei feels as though if Shogi is not in his life, there is not much else to keep him around, where Beth acts as though drugs and alcohol are the only substances that are keeping her skills up. That pressure builds up and often finds itself in the form of water, particularly in March. As the Shogi players stare at the board, they find themselves crashing against the waves and sinking down, with Rei at one point using a Shogi board as a buoy. Beth usually tries to find the bottom of a bottle.

    The characters around them are not immune to these behaviors and are often the catalysts for Rei and Beth to recognize them in the first place. And it’s particularly through their fellow players that Rei and Beth begin to gather a found family; Whether that’s Harunobu Nikaido, Rei’s self-proclaimed rival, calling out Rei’s early reckless playstyle and telling him to take care of himself or Harry Melling, Beth’s former competitor and on-and-off mentor (among other things), telling her the story of another young chess player who lived too fast while putting down the bottle of pills he found. 

  The two gather a community amongst those who share the passion for the game and their well-being. “You wanna know how the Russians are so good?” Benny Watts, a top chess player, asks Beth rhetorically. “It’s because they play together as a team.”

  Once they both find these support systems, it’s so incredibly valuable to how they carry themselves and their play. The Kawamoto sisters take in Rei as someone no different than a family member and nurture him through his highs and lows of the professional Shogi world, as well as Rei’s teacher Takashi Hayashida creating a Shogi club to show Rei how people are incredibly appreciative of his presence. Through Beth’s climb from Kentucky state to US champion, she goes through rounds of different perspectives and mentors, who all eventually help her strategize in her match against one of the best players in the world. 

  Chess and Shogi may be more isolated games once you sit down, but you still carry the thoughts and feelings of everyone who got you to the table.

    And as someone who is recovering, I cannot tell you how powerful it is to see that path as accomplishable. I know I cannot be “cured” of my depression, but seeing Rei finding his own ways, even slowly and subtlety, to manage his own illness and accepting that there is a future where he can be happy is invaluable. “Don’t tell me you haven’t accomplished anything,” Hayashida tells Rei. “You did your best! I saw it!”

  Beth, who has most of her life used substances as a crutch, is able to turn to the people who value her for that more solid support. Many times it comes as direct intervention, but it also appears through the saved newspaper clippings of her accomplishments, as well as previously lost connections. “I’m here because you need me to be here,” Jolene, Beth’s first friend at the orphanage, tells her. “Someday I might need you.” 

In the last episode of Gambit, Beth finds herself eating breakfast in a Russian hotel when a boy appears with a bottle and asks if she would like any vodka. And for the first time in a long while, she turns it down. She watches him walk away, slowly digesting that something has changed within her. Watching Beth refuse a drink for the first time after being offered is a feeling I remember well, and it’s a sense of accomplishment that’s hard to put into words.

  Image via Netflix

  While these stories may take place on separate sides of the planet, playing different games with two different people, both provide a commonality of recovery and what that future can look like. While I can’t claim that there is a “correct” path, it’s knowing that recovery, and bettering yourself, is achievable in the first place makes watching both of these shows such a valuable experience.

  There are many variations in the moves one can do in their respective games, but there is also one core mechanic: you keep moving the pieces forward. There may be times when you have to retreat, go a way you were not intending, or even think about your next move. But the optimal path is forward. Piece by piece. Step by step.

    Kyle Cardine is an Editor for Crunchyroll. You can find his Twitter here.

By: news+feed@crunchyroll.com

[zephyrises]

character sheet.

full name.  ventus pronunciation.  ven-tuhs (which is not at all how the latin word is actually pronounced but don’t worry about it) nicknames.  venty-wenty

height.  5′5″ age.  verse dependent. 12 in ux, 16 in bbs and going on 17 in post-kh3. zodiac.  taurus, with his new birthday. original unknown. languages.  japanese. everyone understands everyone else in kingdom hearts anyway, though?? doesn’t matter which world they’re on. it’s that Disney Magic(tm), ig.

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

hair colour.  golden blonde that edges towards platinum. eye colour.  forest green. skin tone.  pale with yellow undertones. body type.  slight, but athletic. accent.  none, per se, but he will shorten words, mash words together and use some slang. dominant hand.  ambidextrous. he tends to stick with his right, though. posture.  very lax and casual. in battle, he uses a unique and antiquated, backhanded stance. tattoos.  none in any of my canon or canon based verses, even though he likes the idea of it! but in my collegeverse, he’s saving up to get lines drawn between the birthmarks on his back so they look like constellations. most noticeable features.  definitely his eyes, freckles, smile and the armor he wears on his feet, upper arm and abdomen. i’d say that the way he moves around is pretty attention catching in and of itself, considering how speedy, floaty and bouncy he is even without necessarily needing or intending to be. he’s also a bit small for his age, both in terms of height and weight.

CHILDHOOD.

place of “birth.”  daybreak town. hometown.  likely daybreak town. birth weight / height.  unknown.. manner of birth.  as weird as it sounds, necromancy. first words.  unfortunately, “yes, master.” siblings.  luxu could technically constitute in uxverse, depending upon how the both of them would view their situation. otherwise, he starts to think of terra and aqua as his older siblings sometime before the events of birth by sleep and then forever onward. parents.  in a terrihorrible way, the master of masters. if he had any parents before his body was re-animated, then it would be impossible to trace them now. he thinks of eraqus as a father figure, but his feelings on the matter are a big ol’ can of worms. parental involvement.  mom locked him up and used him for experiments. eraqus locked him up, good intentions notwithstanding, and tried to kill him. in other words, not the best!

ADULT LIFE

occupation.  post-kh3, he’s a guardian of light and keyblade master in training. the way aqua and yen sid have it slated, he’ll be taking his mark of mastery exam when he turns 18! current residence.  the land of departure, for now. even though he wouldn’t say it aloud to terra or aqua, he’d really like to leave and live somewhere new someday. close friends.  based off current canon, terra, aqua, lea, isa, sora, minnie, stitch, lilo, cinderella, jaq, hercules and peter pan. i see him having really good chemistry with vanitas, kairi, naminé, roxas, xion, ienzo, riku and demyx too, barring some development and circumstances! relationship status.  i don’t portray ven as having been in any romantic relationship or harboring romantic feelings towards anyone up until post-kh3. what happens from then on is a toss up depending on who i’m interacting with. i.e., right now, he’s dating @midnightpapllion​​ and has a budding crush on @rxcusant​​‘s vanitas! he’s a good-natured cutie, though, so other teenagers have flirted with him plenty during his travels. he’s just inexperienced and completely oblivious to the intent unless it’s spelled out for him, which tends to discourage most. financial status.  eraqus left a small fortune that he, aqua and terra use exclusively for groceries and supplies for missions. otherwise, he’s got a modest amount of spending money from traversing the worlds. he just doesn’t spend it on much aside from snacks and souvenirs. driver’s license.  cars are Completely nonexistent in his world. he only rides a keyblade glider and, even though there prrrrrobably should be, there’s no actual license required for that. criminal record.  this one time, he harassed some old men in the woods and beat up a cat about twenty times his size. those instances aside, he’s not necessarily above crime or violence as long as it isn’t Too uncouth and serves a purpose, so he’s probably got at least a little more on his rap sheet.

SEX & ROMANCE.

sexual orientation.  pansexual. romantic orientation.  demi and panromantic. preferred emotional role. submissive | dominant | switch |  unsure preferred sexual role.  submissive |  dominant  |  switch |  sex repulsed libido. turn on’s. turn off’s. love language.  even though he’d fail to notice a lot of the patterns himself, ven’s would consist predominantly of physical touch, acts of service and gift giving. as of terra and aqua’s involvement in his life, he’s become a huge touchy feely type. shoulder, arm and back touches, hugging and hand holding are all pretty normal for him in any sort of relationship, but lingering touches would be the big cue where romantic attraction is present. longer or more common hugs as opposed to just short lived hugs of greeting, parting or comfort. increasingly consistent tapping, leaning, nudging or hand holding for no particular reason other than because he gets a random urge to instigate it. acts of service would mostly just boil down to doing a lot of cooking or baking, but if he was in a position to and it wouldn’t be Weird to do so, he’d happily tidy up for someone or do their laundry, too! since the person in question would be on his mind a lot, he’d feel inclined to grab something up if it reminds him of them. probably stuff like flowers, pretty rocks or shells, accessories, snacks, things they’ve mentioned/he’s Noticed they enjoy, etc. etc. relationship tendencies.  mileage may vary for all of this depending on his partner’s personality and boundaries, obviously, but i’m willing to bet he’d be doting and clingy. he’s clingy with pretty much everyone once they give him an inch anyway, so i don’t think anybody would be too surprised or put off if they’ve already been hanging around long enough for him to develop feelings. definitely a little shy when it comes time to say i love you, kiss, go out or snuggle non-platonically, but not awkward or uncertain. the friendship that came before would be the foundation, after all, and he wouldn’t view a romance as something separate from that. more like another layer on top that they can navigate and define together. baseline, his flirting style is a combination of undisguised adoration and big time teasing. aaaand generally, he’d also be very attentive! he accounts for the tinier details, even if he can’t always make sense of them without posing a question or two.

MISCELLANEOUS.

character’s theme song.  i love the canon version of his theme, but i’m linking project destati’s version in particular because it’s orchestrated and extended and kills me dead. hobbies to pass the time.  adventures, walks, star gazing, star charting, flower pressing, bird watching, cooking, ukulele, and the biggie.... NAPPING. mental illnesses.  depression and ptsd. physical illnesses.  you could definitely argue that having his darkness stripped from him is more of a spiritual or mental condition, but to me, it’s a physical one. i think of it like having an organ removed from your body (say, a chunk of your goddamn HEART) or being on the receiving end of blunt trauma. there are mental and spiritual effects, sure. it contributed to his ptsd, depression, and an amnesiac episode, but xehanort stabbed him to make it happen and he’s got the scar and near death experience to prove it, so we’re calling it a physical illness in my house. a reaaaally strange, completely unparalleled, chronic fantasy illness. left or right brained.  right brained for sure. he’s really imaginative and artsy. fears.  being abandoned, especially by those he holds dear. not being smart or strong enough to prevent someone from getting hurt or worse. being deprived of control over his own body or decisions.  self confidence level.  veeeeeery low. when he acts confident, he’s just faking it until he makes it,.which, unless he addresses the root of the problem, won’t be anytime soon. but i’m behind the wheel so this kid’s not going to let being abused define him forever. mark my words. vulnerabilities.  impulsive and bad decision prone. he’s not very physically strong or durable, either. fast, sure. definitely determined to stick it out until the very end. but once you get a couple of good hits in, he’s down. he’ll also undermine his own value and throw his life and safety away on the off chance that it could help someone else, so jot that one down.

tagged by: @kissafist​​ THANK YOU!! ♥ i had so much fun with this. tagging: in addition to livi and sammi who i already pinged above, let’s do @localmagicalboi​​, @feraliix​​, @galaxycrxss​​, @blackasteriia​​ and YOU! but only if you feel like it!

[sarahallegra]

© Sarah Allegra My regular viewers will probably remember that May 12th is Invisible Illness Awareness Day, or ME Day, in my house, for short.  It's a big day in the chronic illness community; it's our Superbowl.  Getting a new photo shot for this May 12th was an enormous challenge and there were many times I was sure it wouldn't happen.  I started planning this months ago, as I seem to always be scrambling at the last minute and I was determined to NOT do that this year.  Then, eight weeks ago, I began getting a recurring fever which took up nearly all my already limited time.  So I downgraded the first concept I had into something more manageable.  And the fevers continued.  This can't possibly last forever, I thought, and came up with another, simpler concept that would work with the time I had left.  And the fevers continued.  So things went on until I was able to shoot this image just three days ago.  Getting an image turned around, even one without heavy compositing, can take weeks for me.  I crammed and pushed my body more than is probably wise considering the fragile state of my immunity, but I got it DONE.  Hah!  Take THAT, ME! This self portrait is drawing from the historic plague doctors and the iconic masks they would wear.  I recently finished re-reading a favorite book of mine, Doomesday Book by Connie Willis, part of which takes place during the bubonic plague of the middle ages.  No mask-wearing doctors appear in it, but the thought was fresh in my mind.  That combined with the current Covid-19 pandemic, the scarcity of masks, thinking about immune systems and how easily they can be gotten around by a determined germ... and this was the visual that came to mind. Of course, a May 12th image wouldn't be complete without it tying in to my experience with having ME (short for myalgic encephalomyelitis; a debilitating neuro-immune disease with no treatment or cure).  This year, I asked myself, how could I explain what it feels like to have an incurable illness to someone who's never experienced such a thing?  For once, a large portion of the world has actually had a small taste of ME, due to Covid-19.  The way Covid has forced you to stay inside, rarely see other people, isolate, protect yourself from any potential germs, taken away your livelihood, these are all hallmarks of nearly every chronic immune-compromised illness.  Except that for us, social distancing will never end.  Our isolation will never end.  We will never go back to work.  This is our reality for the rest of our lives. This is not the life I want to live.  No one wants to live forced into a cage, denied the things that make life meaningful and enjoyable.  But still, this IS my life right now.  Until a cure can be found.  I'd gladly take even a treatment.  But the medical world has almost nothing to offer me or the millions and millions of others with ME (not to mention all the other disabling diseases like MS, fibromyalgia, Crohn's, EDS and so many more).  I cannot break this cage; I cannot pick the lock and let myself out to freedom.  But I can scream inside it.  I can shout and bang on the bars until someone notices; until enough people notice.  And once they notice, they will start demanding freedom for us too.   And maybe, someday, I can actually leave behind this dirty, nasty, bug-infested prison and feel the sun on my face again before I die. Our illnesses are invisible, but we often feel invisible too.  When you drop out of society, only your close friends and family will notice.  People who've never met you have no idea that there's a Sarah-shaped void where I used to be; they simply fill it.  Chronic illness hides you in its shadows as you're unable to leave your house.  I will not be kept secret; I will demand attention and action.  ME is an iron mask and shackles, hiding my identity, my potential and my value as a human being.  I will not be hidden anymore.  The mask is coming off and there WILL be change. If you would like to be a part of this change, please read my blog post for more information about how you can be the ally we desperately need: https://sarahallegra.wordpress.com/2020/05/06/me-and-invisible-illness-day-may-12th/   You can learn more about ME and other invisible illnesses, there's a petition you can sign, the Millions Missing campaign you can join, excellent documentaries you can watch for free, images you can use as your avatar for the day (or longer!), or, if you'd like, you can donate to ME Action, an organization doing great things for people with ME: https://www.meaction.net But if you do nothing else, I ask this of you: believe people when they tell you they're sick, even if they don't look like they are.  Not every illness manifests outward signs.  Just acknowledging that ME is real, despite me (and others) still looking "healthy" on the outside is a huge step forward.  Every person in the world afflicted with these evil, insidious illnesses will thank you, starting with me.  <3 *Personal Instagram: http://instagram.com/artosthebear * Professional Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sarahallegraartistry/ *Blog: http://sarahallegra.wordpress.com *Twitter: http://twitter.com/sarahallegra *Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/artosthebear *Red Bubble shop - a wide variety of items, including affordable prints: http://www.redbubble.com/people/sarahallegra*Etsy Shop - Limited-edition, fine art prints: https://www.etsy.com/shop/SarahAllegraArtistry/ *Sarah Allegra Artistry: http://www.sarahallegra.com

[dreamyaqua]

firstly i wanna say sorry for the delay cause im soo busy with my uni work and internship work so sorry for that ;__;

dont need to thank meeee!!! im so happy you're getting a lot of asks around astrology so you're improving yourself like you wanted!! i hope you dont get too overburdened, people sometimes take these accounts for granted and they somtimes leave nasty comments when you dont get to their question immediately or if something doesnt add up. dont take these to heart and just do you!!!

i totally relate to your virgo moon!! i have the same thought process!! my take is let people think im dumb, at least im TRYING to learn??

and omg thats sooooooooo sweet of you to think like that <33 and hahaha i guess you're really good at astrology than you thought??? and sangyeon is not even my bias but he's in my wrecker list - BUT he's definitely my ideal type among the boyz!! i realised i would like a caring, protective partner who can only give out affection and love and also be my best friend you know??? also i think he would love to babie his s/o right, he already manages 10 guys together lmaooo and he's a great uncle to his cute nephews too!! 

i can totally see us getting along well and he's so marriage material like you said - now i can only see him and i getting married :(( the only problem is we have an age different of 4 years now and we're gonna have a lottt of communication barriers for obvious reasons lmaoo but HEYYYYYY its LEE SANGYEON we're talking about??? i'd do anything for that man :'))) oh, the struggle of having good compatibility with your kpop boy but you cant date him :((((((((((((((((

hopefully i'll find someone with similar placements HAHAHA LMAOO

damn i guess we're more alike that i thought lmao! actually i can understand why, my signature sign is aquarius and you're an aquarius sun!!! lets be weird and eccentric together lmaooo whats your signature sign?

dont worry about how i feel rn currently!! i think, in some way, i've matured in many ways and i can still say no to things better than before. i've also healed from the past and i've forgiven those who have hurt me, it made me realise whom i should away with and whom i should hang out with more!! so thanks for asking!! :) damn libra stellium huh?? that's super cool and the 7th house rules relationships i've heard? what does your stellium mean in that respect? in case you're wondering, my 7th house is EMPTY ROFLLLLLL 

oh, i'm so sorry for your friend!! have they healed from their experiences??

omg you're too cute and kind jesus where have you been on tumblr all this time!! thanks for that btw...i realised you cant stop being a kind person just because of some shitty people. unfortunately the world is filled with shitty people than kind so you gotta adjust according to that! and besides if we werent so friendly and helpful i wouldnt find someone as nice as you!! c:

is that so???? oh shit lmaoo i mean i think thats good!!! and hell yeah!! lets be goners!! andddd i just checked again and no it isnt :( does conjuction mean having the same planet in the same sign? then yes it does (leo sun, leo venus) !! otherwise no :( my sun is in conjuntion with my mars tho!!! what does that mean?? :o 

nooo i love long replies :( it just shows you care and you want to talk and i love making friends and talking!! i actually had more questions, not related to myself but to know more about you!!

firstly where you from sweetcheeks?? and among the boys, who are you most compatible with and how?

i hope youre not surprised by this verryyyy long post and i hope you're doing okay!!! 

///

Omg it's fine don't worry!! May I ask what you're majoring in?^-^ I'm also currently busy with uni work, so I'm also sorry for the late answer🥺👉🏻👈🏻

Aww thank you so much for your sweet words!! So far, everyone has been nothing but kind to me but if a not so kind asks ever shows up, I'll try my best not to mind it. I do a lot of calculating for the ships, so I can't do too many at once and always make sure to take a rest and relax my mind^-^ I just want to do them thoroughly and to the best of my abilities and not just slack and say something~ but of course, I'll make sure not to overwork myself. I'd love to have a little astrology business someday, so I'm also glad for the practice^-^

Oof yes, you're so right!! I struggle a bit with caring too much about what other people think of me, I need to learn to be more nonchalant about it but it's so hard😭

Aww you're welcome and thank you so much!!🥺💞 I'm not so sure, haha, but it would be cool if I'm actually better than I think- And that's so sweet!! Who knows, he might bias-wreck you someday😌👉🏻👈🏻 but you're right, he's really a gentle and calm and sweet person, I think you'd feel so safe with him and he'd make sure to take care of you.🤧

Omg I feel that struggle so much!! But hey, at least we can dream about it, right?😭 I actually dream of my biases so much, it's ridiculous at this point. Do you also dream of idols/your biases?😂

Aww, I'm sure you'll find someone like that! There's plenty of fish out in the sea, maybe you'll find even someone who's even better for you🥺 so never give up hope~✨

And ohhh that makes so much sense!!🥺 I'm both Aquarius dominant and Aquarius is also my signature sign. Though, I must say something about it confuses me so much... I just can't really relate to it?? Either Aquarius is an extremely misunderstood sign or there's something in my chart that I haven't found yet that influences me differently...🤔 but yes, let's be eccentric and weird together, I'm always up for that😂

Ohh, I'm so glad to hear that!! Every step into the right direction is worth acknowledging and being proud of. We can't go from one extreme to the other overnight, so I'm really happy to hear you've already made progress!!🥺 And yes, my friend is also currently on that journey and protecting herself from toxic people!! A stellium in my 7th house means that a huge focus in my life will be (romantic) partnerships, with my sun being there, it could feel as if I'm incomplete without a relationship and that being in a relationship is part of my identity. With mercury in there, it means that communication is extremely important to me in a partnership and that I value intelligent partners. And I also have Uranus in there which is a bit meh because it brings an unconventional touch to it all, so basically it means that I could find myself suddenly getting into a relationship or a relationship that suddenly ends. With unconventional Uranus there, it could also mean having an unconventional partnership that doesn't follow traditional rules and that you might dislike the thought of marriage. And well, it also means divorce haha. But I can't really relate to that one as well, since I want a more traditional relationship and I'm not into more unconventional ways of dating... I fully relate to mercury there, I don't think I could ever be with someone that doesn't match with me on an intellectual level and the sun...well, it also fits, however, I'm not the type of person who jumps from one relationship to the other. I'm very careful with that and also have a fear of commitment, so I'm usually in an imaginary relationship with whoever I'm currently crushing on but at the same time, I'm also happy being single in real life^-^ And an empty 7th house is not bad at all!! It just means that either you don't put as much focus in that area of your life OR that you've already learned the lessons of the 7th house!!^-^

Aww omg you're so sweet, thank you so much!!😭🥺 I can only give it back💞 and I also agree with you!! It costs nothing to be kind and I often can't fathom, in blind naivety, how some people can be so cruel and lie to you with a straight face or something like that. I could never do that. I always say, and yes that's cliche but-, "I'm being kind because people haven't been kind to me." And since I know what it feels like to be treated unkindly, I don't want to do this to anyone else. Like you said, there's enough misery going on in the world, we really don't need to add on to it, and instead try our best to be a good person and be kind to others.❤

A conjunction is an aspect between two planets when they're less than 10° apart from each other. Depending on the planets involved, it can be a good thing or maybe not so good. Your sun being in conjunction with your mars (but out of sign, since your sun is in Leo and mars in Cancer), means that the qualities of these two planets are being enhanced by each other. With the sun and mars, it means you'd be energetic, courageous, fierce and assertive. You'd be passionate about asserting your identity - however since the two planets aren't in the same sign, these energies might not be as strong.🤔

Ahh I'm glad to hear that!! I struggle to keep myself short and always end up exchanging huge paragraphs with others😂👉🏻👈🏻

I'm from Switzerland, to answer your question^-^ and you?🥰💞 And as for who I'm most compatible with the boyz... omg tbh, if you calculate it differently you get slightly different results😂 I tried to be as inclusive as possible and that led me to believe I'm most compatible with: Kevin/Hyunjae/Juyeon, then Eric/Chanhee/Changmin/Younghoon, then Haknyeon/Jacob and least compatible with Sangyeon & Sunwoo (I'm sorry babes🤧).

Aww no, don't worry that's fine!!^-^ I'm still ill but it's slowly getting better🤒 I hope you're doing okay yourself and that you make sure not to get overworked!!🥺💞

[messrsmemoirs]

Sometimes I wonder if I chose the right career path by choosing to be a teacher then I remember my fave character Remus Lupin is a teacher too & he is a good teacher so he inspires me to be a good teacher too. to inspire students, try and boost their confidence, be encouraging and kind. I actually think he’s probably my fave character as I have things in common like birthdays are close, used to love pranks, loves chocolate, similar insecurities, reserved, kind. Why is he your fave?

Alright this is long and personal and emotional so I’m adding a readmore and also a suggested content warning for child abuse and bullying and emotional blathering nobody wants to see.

For a number of reasons, many of which have changed or grown as I’ve gotten older. When I met Remus, I think I was about... nine? I was actually a little late getting into the Harry Potter fandom. I don’t even remember the year exactly, because I had no way of knowing how much the story would influence my life at the time. I think my first HP book was actually the Chamber of Secrets, and then I was surprised to find that there was one before?? And I had to read that one, too?? But I’m glad I did, because obviously two decades later I’m kicking here on a social media website for teens like a real adult.

Anyway, yes, when I met Remus I was about nine or ten, and... honestly, I think kid me was interested in his character for two reasons: first, because he was just a really kind person who was also patient and thoughtful. And second, because he was a werewolf. I’m not really going to lie, I’ve loved werewolves since I was a kid. So for kid me, that was like, “whoa, dude, that’s wicked rad,” and I definitely labeled that as the coolest thing since sliced bread. Dude was nice AND he’s a werewolf? A+.

I would label that as a brief introductory period, though, because I can remember in detail when Remus really started becoming this figure in my day-to-day. It was when I was 10-11, actually, and my parents had lost the fight with the bank to take over the mortgage of my late grandmother’s home. Having no place to go, we moved into a converted barn apartment in the dead of winter, very far away from the kids I had actually known. Now, I never had friends. Not really. I always sat by myself at lunch and on the playground, and leaving the few kids I could actually play with at recess was just a little blow unto mine heart. And when I went to this new school, I was all by myself. The kids spit on me and call me names, and I remember that there was this phase when I couldn’t look another person in the eye. We were so far away from everything that I spent the summer break alone (my parents were working and my sister was always spending the nights away from home on purpose), locked in the house-barn while it swayed in the wind like the old building it was. My parents were pretty emotionally abusive, and this was also around the time that my mother would start telling us about how she didn’t love us, tell us girls that we were fat for developing our breasts like we had a choice about puberty, or not make enough food for one of us because she was mad at us, things like that. Locking the refrigerator, blah, blah. The one teacher I had all year long (before the switch to middle school it was just one) actually went out of the way to keep me out of class field trips by not emailing my parents about changes to the schedule, etc. I remember I used to ride the school bus an hour each way, and I would like... beg God or whoever to just make it so that I wouldn’t feel emotions, and be like Spock. No emotions, so I could just be a robot and do what everyone expected of me. So... you know, this was a really rough region of time for kid me.

I think what really spoke to me about this silly book character was that he was just... really kind. And thoughtful, and he listened when people spoke about their problems. He took people seriously. He cared about people. And I think, looking back, that he was just the kind of personality, the kind of adult figure that I really needed in my life at the time. I didn’t ever have anyone to look up to growing up except for this fictional werewolf who, as the books came out one by one, was revealed to me as this person who was kind despite the things that happened to him. I was drawn in by how he kept getting back up in the face of adversity, when the entire world despised what he was without ever caring for who he was. How he suffered and suffered and was still so kind, how he still felt love, how he hated himself so much and yet he was doing so much good. ... And, you know, the werewolf thing was still cool, too, so there’s that.

When I was a teenager, I was the worst fan. I was very into Wolfstar, very into chocoholic Remus--and not that those things are bad, of course, but that was an earlier time, when we used Photobucket and something called Myspace, and I wore those black pants with chains on them because I was Different, not one of Those Other Girls. And please, I’m really not criticizing you if you do any of these things. More power to you, quite honestly. It’s just that I was kind of this kid who thought she was straight who had never had anyone ask me out ever, was very depressed all the time, and had anime soundtrack cds and wore a key to the house around my neck. I was very Not Cool. And my limited interaction with people and the world around me had me making these very limited headcanons that were all based on the fanon at the time, which were (surprise) wolfstar and chocoholic Remus. Yes, they’ve been around for literally forever. I hadn’t really matured in my understanding of the person Remus was, not really. But what I did admire were those same traits, and what I ended up doing was trying to push myself to be the person I thought he would respect. To be someone calm under duress, kind, and quick-witted.

And of course I was not those things, because I was a teenager going through a quiet emo phase that turned out to be the beginnings of mental illness. And I punished myself so hard for not being the person I thought I needed to be. I don’t do that so much anymore, but I still allow Remus to be my compass in life while being aware of his flaws (where I thought he had none when I was a teen) and more importantly, aware of my own. Nowadays, Remus is still the kind of person I hope to become like, but it’s so that I can be that person for someone else, maybe. So that maybe someday they won’t need a book to be their only friend, or maybe they can have a person in their lives who takes them seriously and treats them with kindness.

Adult me values Remus for who he isn’t as much as who he is. I value the deeply human nature of his flaws, and the raw emotional power his story really has. I value his inner strength and use it as a buoy for myself when I can’t help what’s going on in my head. I value that he breaks, and breaks, and breaks, and that he gets back up knowing that he will break again but doing in anyway. I value that he is afraid of people, afraid of the future, afraid of himself, because so am I. And he’s still such a kind and patient soul. He’s so angry and he has every right to be, but he’s still kind. He’s so hurt, and he lives his life in constant pain in one form or another. And he just... I don’t know. Remus has this awful life. Terrible things, unfair things, have happened to him, and he had all the potential and justification to become someone angry at the world and hateful of everything in it, but he didn’t. I want to do that, too, but I haven’t yet. I still have a lot to learn from him, and I’m really excited to see where things go in the future.

And I thought about being a teacher for a long time, actually, because of Remus. But I find that I’m not actually a good verbal communicator. Nor do I really feel comfortable with children... And I just don’t have the confidence. So I would actually love to hear about your journey into teaching and what it’s like in your experience with a little Remus in your head wishing you to do well. I did do a few things on my own because of him, though. I speak an intermediate amount of Welsh because of Remus, actually. ... Which isn’t the same as educating the next generation, but I get the jokes about carrots and morons now.

... So bear with me, as this was an entirely emotional ramble and not really coherent, but I do hope I was able to answer your question.

[aftermyshahada-blog]

Dating is Halal

When Muslims tell me that dating is not allowed on the premise that dating inevitably leads to pre-marital sex, I always roll my eyes. That is a ridiculous argument that is not grounded in sound logic whatsoever. To me, dating means getting to know one another. Many Muslims argue that "dating" is an intimate relationship that involves touching and kissing, which ultimately leads to pre-marital sex, but I disagree completely. It doesn't have to be that way. The people in the dating relationship are the ones who define what "dating" means to them.

The choice of a marriage partner is one of the most important decisions some people make in their lives. I agree that it should be taken seriously. But ruling out dating altogether out of fear that it will lead to sex does not give the two people much credibility. It makes it sound like everyone is sex-crazed and can't control themselves. And that just isn't the case.

Dating is a discovery period; it is a time where you can get to know one another. If you would like family involved, then by all means, get them involved. I think that getting the opinions and advice of close, trustworth Muslims about the person you're dating is a good idea. Even non-Muslims seek the advice and guidance of their friends and family sometimes.

I would like more Muslims to realize that we don't all date for the same reasons. Some people are looking for a relationship, some people date just for fun, some people date because they want sex, and some people date because they are serious about finding a compatible partner. I want to find someone who completes me and that is why I believe that dating is halal.

Dating is a discovery period. It is a fact finding phase where when you get involved with someone, you go in with a reasonable level of trust and then use your discoveries like an internal system of checks and balances. You must talk about boundaries, values, and awareness.

I do not believe that you can make the decision to marry someone until you have gone beyond the point of seeing past attraction, appearance, chemistry, and common interests; it is all about shared values. And you can only find out if you have shared values and a foundation of care, trust, and respect that can lead to a loving marriage if you take the time to get to know the person for who they are through dating.

I don't think that the biggest mistake people make is having sex while dating. I think that the biggest mistake people make is assuming that because they find someone attractive, feel a chemistry with them, and share some common interests, that it is a great match and will make a wonderful marriage. Blind assumptions like this are the worst mistake people can make because when you use attractiveness, interests, and chemistry to make a decision about marriage, it will never work. The most important thing to consider here is shared values.

I have dated a few people over the years and my most recent relationship ended due to dissimilar values, wants, and needs. Darrick did not want children and did not want to ever get married. I wanted the opposite: I wanted someone to propose to me and ask me to stand by them for the rest of their lives. I want to be a mama someday. Besides that, he was content with going to work, coming home, watching TV, playing video games, and then going to bed. The exciting dating relationship we once had was over and I felt abandoned and alone even though we lived together. Darrick never cleaned and he hated my family. Then, I converted to Islam and he disliked that because he was an Agnostic-Atheist. He made fun of me for being religious. All in all, there were many reasons our relationship didn't pan out. I jumped in head first and moved in with him after dating for only 3 months. I am moving on, wiser and stronger than ever before. But this doesn’t mean that I regret dating Darrick. I feel sad that he didn’t treat me well, but dating him and living together actually helped me learn about my own values and goals. That’s why I don’t regret anything. I don’t regret my relationship with him because it ended up being a huge turning point for me in terms of self-growth, self-love, and self-awareness.

I learned the hard way that if you don't take the steps in dating and don't take the time to lay the foundations, then you will end up in a terrible relationship or marriage that probably won't work out in the long run. Dating is something that takes time. I encourage all Muslims to get to know someone, but don't be quick to give them everything: whether it be sex, trust, or commitment. Don't jump in head first. There is no rush: it is a process that takes time.

This is why I believe in dating. I know that some Muslims disagree with my viewpoint, and that is ok. "Dating" means different things to different people. With that people said, be on the lookout for my next article, which will talk about my recent experience on the Muslim dating site Muslima.com.

Click here to read about how I became Muslim.

Click here to learn about the REAL Sharia Law.

Click here to read why women should pray while on their periods.

Click here to learn about a religion-disagreement my ex-boyfriend and I had.

Click here to read about the importance of supporting Muslims with mental illness.

Click here for the list and links to the first 50 posts I wrote on Tumblr.

My views about LGBTQIA+ issues are here.

Please pray for Syria. Click here. 

A picture of me can be found here, in case anyone is wondering what I look like!

I am Muslim, but I am also a scientist! Click here to learn why.

[inwintersolitude]

Is old age catching up with you? I'm only 28, far from old age, but I have a chronic illness that sometimes makes me feel fatigued and physically older.

Would you rather be hot or cold? Cold.

Can you sleep through thunderstorms? Not usually. Although I did somehow sleep through that awful storm on the last cruise my husband and I went on. I wish I had woken up to see it, I've always wanted to experience a storm while at sea!

What does it take to get you out of bed early (before 9 am)? A good reason to do so, and getting enough sleep.

Ever spent the night in a tent? Yes.

Is it ever okay for a woman to ask out a man? Of course.

Do people confide in you? Certain people do, at times.

Ever been around someone who makes you feel stupid? No.

How often do you use instant messenger? Never.

What do you call your grandparents? Granny and Granddad.

What do you do when you have trouble falling asleep? Read or take surveys.

Have you ever cried while reading a book? Probably, but I can't think of a specific time where I have.

How many college degrees do you want? I'm fine with the degree I already have. For now, at least. Maybe I'll go back for another degree someday.

Where do you call home? Virginia. But I grew up in Ohio so that still feels like home, even though I haven't lived there in over 5 years.

Would you ever attend a black tie formal event? Yes, I've already been to black tie events.

Do you like animals? Yes.

Have you ever written anything longer than 10 pages? I don't think any of my papers in college got to be that long. I got my degree in aeronautics, which was much more technical and hands-on, not really writing-intensive.

What do you wear to sleep? Lounge pants and an old t-shirt.

What do you look forward to most in the next 2 months? I just realized my husband and I's vacation to England and Scotland is now less than 2 months away!! I'm super excited.

How important is it for a significant other to be good with kids? Not important, since we don't want children.

Do you have anyone who is a surrogate parent/sibling to you? My friend Cory is a bit like a brother-in-law. Him and my husband have been friends since they were 5 years old, and are actually distant cousins. So technically he's my third-cousin-in-law.

Ever fallen asleep sitting up? Yes.

Can you snap your fingers? Not really. It hurts my joints.

Can you wink? Yes.

Do you wear a belt? It depends on which pair of pants I'm wearing.

Any jewelry in the room you're in? Yes, I just took my wedding and engagement rings off and put them on the side table.

What song explains how you feel about love? Eh, I don't know. Nothing fitting comes to mind.

Do you know how to play pool? Yes.

What about foosball? Yes.

Have you ever finished reading an entire book in a day? Yes.

Ever known anyone who was a tomboy? Yes, myself.

What is something that begins with Z? Zenith.

What kind of person do you hope to be when you’re 35 years old? Mostly the same as I am now. Hopefully more disciplined.

How many keys do you carry with you? Five.

Have you ever been IN a wedding? Well my own, of course. And I was a flower girl in two relatives' weddings when I was a kid.

Does hardship make a person stronger? Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.

What comes to mind when you think of pregnancy? A general feeling of uneasiness. I have a bit of an aversion to anything pregnancy-related.

Have you ever attended a professional sporting event? Yes, about 8 or 9 times.

What is your favorite brand of clothing? No favorite.

Which do you value more, intellect or work ethic? I value them both equally.

Have you ever been covered in mud? Haha yes, when I was a kid and at summer camp we used to go exploring in the creeks in the woods.

What U.S. cities have you not visited that you would like to visit? Portland, Oregon. Anchorage, Alaska.

Which do you watch more, ESPN or MTV? I don't watch either of those channels.

How well do you know the people you live with? He and I know each other as well as two people can possibly know each other.

Do you have any heroes? Not really.

Ever been to a cabin on a mountain? No, not on a mountain.

Do you want to be married and have a family of your own later in life? I've been married since 2012, and we are a family. No children for us, ever. The notion that a couple needs kids to "be a family” is bullshit.

How hard is it for you to stay on task? It depends on the situation and what I'm doing. Sometimes I struggle to focus on things, or I get fatigued (happens too easily some days) and have to take a break and then I have a hard time getting back on track.

Ever lost your voice? I don't think I have.

Do you take your time when making an important decision? Of course.

Could you handle being away from home for weeks at a time for your job? No.

Are you a cautious person? Sometimes. It depends.

Do you enjoy comedy shows? Not much. That's not really a form of comedy that I find funny enough to attend/watch.

Do you chew gum? No.

Do you own any jerseys? No.

Do you have a song stuck in your head? No.

Do you like your job? I'm not working now, but I enjoyed my last job in charter jet operations, I just hated management and how difficult they made my life after I had been there for about 6 months.

Do you have a close relationship with your father? We're fairly close.

Is there anything worrying you right now? No, and I don't want to think too hard about this question and come up with something to worry about. :-P

Do you believe life is what you make it? Yes.

[rennyji]

May 31st tales and normal tweets...

May 31st tweets...after yesterday's morning and afternoon tweets, which were posted in two separate links, yesterday...

I value meaning not cultural violations, “every” random tradition. That’s one of the reasons I switched over to Catholicism from Orthodox Christianity, where I used to be an Altar server in 4 hour services while fasting. -

-The service, being the Indian Orthodox Church, is not in English, but highly advanced Church version of the Indian dialect I normally would speak to my parents. For four hours, I have no idea what’s being said and then there’s the random guilt of your mind wandering -

-while singing transliterated words (another languages words written in English script) throughout the service. It’s long, only on Sundays, has only one flavor of people, and other things I can’t presently call to mind. I’ve been going to Catholic school since the sixth grade. -

-I remember the first time seeing Sacred Heart Church. The aesthetics alone amazed me. The service and responses were in English and the service was short to fit in your schedule and available at multiple times, almost every day, making it easy to fit in a-

-schedule. It has people from all over the world and is always in the vernacular, or language of the people. It is a a Church with diverse community, it’s own good school system, and available throughout the world. It’s hard to miss Church. -

-The services being short are a good thing not out of laziness. But when something is long like a four hour service, it becomes hard to maintain focus and enthusiasm. -

- My reasons for switching to Catholicism is because it fits who I am as an individual and I found meaning there, just like, before this situation, I found meaning in New York as my residence through the power of the American citizenship, which unfortunately is lost. -

-A life of meaning is my reason for wanting to marry into another one of India’s many cultures, or another people/culture as a whole from anywhere in the world. I just feel there are more-

-similarities, more things to talk about, as I’m more of the black sheep where I’m from in what and how I talk, or regarding beliefs and goals.

hmmm...what else...

First 18 years of life, living under my strict Orthodox Christian Indian parents &being sent to all boys schools, what kept me going was the dream, after watching my 1stBollywood movie, that 1 day/someday, Ill find a girl as pretty, full of personality, -

-like the women in their film industry. That said, interests have expanded beyond Bollywood-like women.

On another note, 2 be blunt...and crude?!... In the language of the cool, "Im a face & nice smile man in women," not so much a big t*t/a*s man. I want a face I can look at all day & never get tired. The other stuff, great, as Im not gay, but face comes first. Just being open.

Throughout “this situation”, every person, male, female, catholic, orthodox,Indian, non Indian, left me to suffer this alone. That too for 11 years. You thinks it cute, but thats not what transpires internally and externally. You’re likely seeing a filtered version, -

-cuz I have a hard time digesting that people react 2 something like this, this way, &that too, world saving Americans? Acting like nazis experimenting &killing Jews? But back 2the point..whether it be the people of my background or not, ur loyalty has been 2the “orchestrators.”-

-In expanding my community/network/"my peepz": my parents need to understand that the people of my background and not of, all held their loyalty to the orchestrators, not me.-

-If it’s for something good promised to me, my Christian Indian brethren, Christ says believe and you can move mountains. If you believe and love me like yourself, we can get the same benefits of this program and relieve me of my 11 year indignity. -

-Christ also has another saying. When I was hungry, you didn’t give me food. When I was without clothes, you didn’t clothe me. What you did to the least of my brethren, you did to me. I don’t know you, he says. These are the values of my God.-

-His Kingdom is open 2all peoples/all faiths, be it a decent humanBeing whos an atheist, or a devoutChristian. Despite this h*ll of a situation or b4 it, I used 2think of heaven 2be likeAmerica-a place open 2all peoples. But on evidence&proof of 11 yrs, this has proven 2be h*ll.-

-Now I am the least of my Lord’s brethren, because of my 11 year situation, where I am truly alone, despite the world observing me.-

-Nodding at me means nothing. It’s just more drama. Talk to me and talk to me about “the situation”...are you their puppet, or my friend? Were you helping your God, when His followers were in need?

-But the point of all this, to my parents/my old Church/whoever: my relationships, friends,community, neighborhood, city will be with all peoples, cultures, and faiths or the lack of, not simply a mechanical attachment to the people of my background.-

-My values are Indian, but my interests are American. -

-Regarding the people I want to encompass in my world or my network, especially the woman who will be mine, I need someone and things and community that I can hold a conversation with. I can’t just talk about tradition, Church, and such things like some of my family members.

and moving on...

About Cr*p about going out, amidst environment being fake and no one interacting.-

I mentioned in the past about a double life among us Indian American first generationers. The orchestrators go on and on about “going out” but if they could see my memories, Indian parents like to keep their kids home.-

-You are restricting me from my other life and keeping me as a good Indian kid. They’re constantly in our business. You say even as an adult”going out” , they’ll want specifics and a time of return. It’s annoying,  and arguing becomes a source of a fight. -

-You stay home, to gain the opportunity to spend ur money elsewhere, instead of $2000, for the rent of a decent apartment like The Print House in New Rochelle. You gotta go off TO or STAY IN college as long as possible, far from home, to escape this.-

-But sometimes you gotta ask if it’s worth it. So the orchestrators have no outdoor events, family in far off locations...but these stubborn f*, cannot come to the conclusion, after 11 years of failure, that you cannot and do not have a show.

and a few normal tweets...

If U use a sinus rinse in morning like NeilMeds or Alkalol, I think Navage is littleBetter. As salt can dry ur nose, 2lubricate it, so as 2avoid irritated nostrils w/possible sounds when either inhaling/exhaling, look into/invest in "Nasya Oil." Its from aScience called Ayurveda.

If U want a closeShave thats possibly quicker&cleaner than a wetShave w/a typicalRazor, checkOut the Panasonic Electric Shaver. I think its the Arc model. Expensive, but good for a dry shave. Irritated skin? Amazon's "Freelette" Cream for pre/after shave is good w/Braun shaver.-

Today, going to try the Kiehls Shave "Lotion" with my Panasonic Razor, as skin got sensitive from shaving everyday. Hope it works...their aftershave takes care of the sensitivity in like a day...you can get it at Macys...

If you get into time and mood to see shaving as an art, the "Feather" razor is a quality purchase. I believe its Japanese, and its a straight razor that folds.

If anyone is actually nodding in a way of approval or acknowledgment or whatever, through the unbelievable methodology of the corner of my eye, I don’t know what that means, or why you cannot do that face to face, and tell me why you’re doing it to begin with.

Some great stuff if ur into yoga and meditation: kulae yoga mat (machine washable and pvc free unlike conventional mats), alexia meditation seat (if sitting cross legged for a period is hard), meditation stool to aid in sitting in the position known in yoga as vajrasana.

[sadtaleteller]

Love/Hate - A Letter To My Father

My 18th birthday is approaching, it’s a milestone in one’s life, turning 18. On this milestone like every other milestone everyone tries to celebrate you, but actually they celebrate the image of the false life of happiness you’ve lived in front of them they  give you gifts not because they care about you or love you but just because they’re kind of forced because, remember, you gave them a gift on their event, that’s what relationships have become now, just a bargain, but that’s a talk for sometimes else. On this earth after your mother and even if not you mother there is only one person who loves you the most who will never hurt you who will always try to keep you happy, no its not your husband, your wife, your partner, your soulmate, ITS YOU, you are the only  person on this earth to keep yourself stable in this whole world no matter what comes upon you.

So to celebrate this milestone of mine I decided that apart from these false gifts given just for something in return, and that is why I am gift myself something, an opportunity to throw out all the pain, all the misery, all the sadness, I’ve caused myself just for the sake of the others just for the sake of the people I thought “cared” about.

This is kind of an open letter to all the fathers all the mothers whose actions and words have given birth to the most ironic and sad pair of words “Toxic Parents”  , I pray to god when you read my piece of pain you realize what damage you have been causing, probably you’ll fix it or probably you’ll just stop reading from here.

All through my life (at least what I’ve lived until now, can’t actually call it life tho) my father at several moments asked me a lot of questions while calling me a failure, questions which probably even you were asked or you as a parent asked your child , questions whose answers even you couldn’t tell anybody.

 You asked me why I never spoke up why did I just nod when you asked something yelling in my face that was because I had stored a lot of misery in me but it will burst someday and if I speak up it will all come rushing out, it will cause a flood of emptiness which even you are not strong enough to face, It will consume you, it will end you which means the end of all the people I love i.e. MY family who think YOU'RE the pillar who has kept them risen all this time.

 You asked me why you should be the one telling me how to do everything, this question is the simplest answer, a person looks up to someone in their life and as the bible says “you’re my rock and fortress and I Shall seek shelter in you” after god parents are the only one a child looks towards for shelter, for comfort, for answers, for help, for support, for EVERYTHING IN LIFE.

 You think I have never done anything for you, you think all I’ve done throughout these years is suck your money be a parasite on you (coming to which, a 15yo’s only belongings should be his childhood)

 You think you have made sacrifices for me, do you know what have I sacrificed, I  sacrificed my childhood for you and not once, Not twice, but on several occasions , the time when instead of choosing something like band, or yoga, or any paid club I took the one which was free, like completely free, because this child was told by his dad that you’re in a fix right now so no crazy expenses but that in the small child’s mind translated to no expenses at all even if it reduces his value, which he realizes now, back in 3rd grade I had to Choose between two instruments, I  somehow managed to choose none of them and sit idle with myself in the music class just so that you wouldn’t have had to buy it for me.

Looks like I answered your next question to an which is why am I not so talented why am I so lethargic why I don’t play any sports and sit on my phone all day. Well, the answer for that again because I knew you had less money and I supported you through and now when you have the money you don’t want to spend it on me because I don’t have any awards or co-curricular interests then you should know you are the reason behind all of it, you’re the reason I chose not to talk abut playing guitar at home, you’re the reason I never chose to go swimming, or go pursue my karate, or to play tennis.

You asked me why am I crying or rather why should I cry, you say you have provided me with everything I need by which you just mean the gadgets and appliances and clothes and accessories you bought me but is that everything a child needs? Because if it is then nobody needs a parent, nobody needs a father, they just need a bank loan. A parent also has duties of providing emotional support which maybe you have forgotten looking for all that money.

 You ask me why you should be the one to teach me how to face the world why must I not learn it like the people on the road, well that is because they don’t have anyone to support them, they don’t have anyone else to share their experiences, to prepare them for the world, but on the other hand I had you and as I said earlier I looked up to you but maybe you didn’t get it because the money in your breast pocket had taken the place of your heart.

 You ask me why am I on my phone the all-day who I keep talking to for hours they’re my friends they’re my little escape from you it’s my therapy it’s the thing helping me to breathe until now.

 Probably your answer to all this would be you saved all the money so that I could get it but what am I gonna do with a pocket full of money but nobody to share myself on that glass of scotch ill buy with it, or the empty flat that money would get me maybe while thinking money is everything, you forgot about what used to be your everything. You think you have taken everybody forward but looks like you just left me here, your presence seems obligatory now.

 My father thinks of me as a bank account, he only spends on me or as he says “invests” on me so that I provide him returns maybe he hasn’t understood the difference between his son and his Savings Account, He always boasts on me how  he has been paying my bills for all these years, how he has been playing my school fees, and I really don’t know what to say to that because who else is supposed to pay for it, The government? He just thinks that he is always right and if somebody proves him wrong or says something better than him, he just plays the experience card and beats the other person or shout on them he just spews his frustration on others.

 The reason I’m not saying this upfront to my father on his face is because he already has a crappy life because of his office life so I stand quiet and numb to his questions because these lines might cause less harm than the feelings and expressions on my face both to you and me.

 You think I don’t fulfill my responsibilities; I shouldn’t be having responsibilities at this age that’s the whole point of stopping child marriages and restricting child labor.

 I just want to say probably someone will read what I have written completely letting my mind out, letting my feelings, my heart out.

 I also pray to god that all the parents reading this understand this and correct themselves and stop something like this from happening around them.

In the end I’d like to leave few lines as the whole gist of this letter

 You heard me crying but you couldn’t hear my cries.

  I hope Somehow you get this letter dad

 Signing Off

The Sad Tale Teller

[aryanmalik]

Death

What Is death? For some people, it is like getting asleep but far too quickly and for some, it’s the most painful feeling. It’s a common thing that we all know when we are going to die, people think they’re going to die in a moment. If a person saw death, it is easy for them to die in the future, this may sound funny or illogical but that’s true and could be seen in this story. Every person in their own way is dead right now like, they have family problems, relationship problems, anxiety, depression, etc, etc, etc., but what about a normal person’s feelings. Feelings always change according to the situations and…… also….the desire to die.

         The time was so much confusing as one wasn’t able to think which type of weather was going on. Somewhere it was raining and somewhere it was hot weather, between all these diseases, were spreading all over the city with a record of killing many bodies all around. I was actually suffering from dengue and was taken to the hospital for blood tests. As dengue too kills many people at that time but I was not one of them till now, as the blood report wasn’t released yet. You must be thinking how I figured out I was suffering from dengue,……. Well, it happened before, and our family doctor was able to see through me so it was pretty good. The hospital was flooded with rural people, taking their children in and out the whole day just to make sure they weren’t into this mess in which I am right now, but fortunately, they were not. It's like these all illnesses were written for urban people only.

“So……., how you feeling now”, Doctor interrupted my thinking voyage.

“yeah-ye-yeah…..pretty good for now” I replied in a stammering voice.

I suddenly found out that, I was sitting on the chair in the waiting hall, I didn’t remember when I was brought out of the room where I unintentionally donated my blood for tests and wastage but that’s the procedure I guess. It's so complex…. Our mind it's like what we wanna see it show us the exact same thing even if we don’t actually see that scenario. Me, waiting for my father to come back so that we can go home. Meanwhile, my mind was fighting for the choice of disease, like what is it is it fever or just a tiny mosquito bite or am just hallucinating all this what is it….

“it’s Saturday, boy..”, an old man whispered in my ear in a very broken and heavy voice. I was way too loud in that one ‘VOYAGE’ and an old man heard me. He was in a wheelchair just entered through the gateway, he wore those shabby clothes and home sleepers almost rugged off, he was nearly bald. His face was full of experiences and sorrow, eyes were so tired of looking through those glasses but after all, he was full of life.

“sure it is…,” I replied.

“You seem to be so loud and quite a thinker, what was it, what you were thinking, boy..,” the old man asked.

“actually it was nothing,…. It’s just I was about my blood report,” I replied.

“don’t worry, boy, it would be alright, you’re young and have a lot of days to waste, live long and be happy,” the old man said.

“yeah,… I mean it is like there was a time when we were not so worried about illness and all, but today we just fear every single day that we gonna die tomorrow of cancer, hepatitis, AIDs, etc,. the value of life has decreased a lot nowadays, people don’t even care about death—” I got broken up by the old man.

“What is death for you boy, what do you think about death, is it beautiful of painful” old man interrupted.

“I-I don’t know it's like having another opportunity to start your other life again, to love again,” I replied.

“Hey…., son, why don’t you come here for once,” my father said.

It was blood cancer, stage two he told me,…. He was late due to the meeting with the doctors about the treatment, his face was fallen, the aura around his persona dies after seeing my face. I was sinking down and down, it was like I don’t even know what am I going to do now, I was overthinking, I knew all of it what to do now, what would be moms reaction to this I have to be strong, stiff…… but what about my friends, what am I going to tell them…….

“Hey, boy…,” the old man shouted from behind. I was so overthinking that I completely forgot that I was standing alone as my father has already gone with the doctors.

“what is it, did you got the reports, so… you going to live or die,” old man giggled.

“yes m going to die, congrats to you, you can have fun with it now,” I replied in an angry voice.

“what is it,” the old man asked.

“its blood cancer, now for god-sake-please-leave-me to my overthinking, you don’t even know how it feels, to actually know what you are going to die,” I replied annoyingly.

A man in a lab coat arrives at the old man and gives his reports to him. He opens the report and hands it to me.

“Boy, can you read it for me I don’t have my glasses right now,” the old man requested me.

Patient Name: Mr. Rajesh Verma                                                                                  Date: 22/7/2013

Age: 72

Consulting to: Dr. S.P. Tiwari

After a clear examination of Mr. Rajesh Verma’s Tissue sample given to the hospital, it is concluded that he is suffering from a serious Stage 4 Brain cancer. It is recommended that Mr. Verma should be immediately admitted.

I was stunned by reading that report, it was so unfair—

“what’s unfair, boy….,” Mr. Verma interrupted again.

“I am sorry,” I said.

“what are you sorry for, we are even now I guess, we both are going to die, we both will be going to God's country, don’t you think its so much fun,… buckle up boy, we are leveled up already.” Mr. Verma said enthusiastically.

“don’t you have a family, why the hell you are so happy, I-I really don’t understand you know I think you’re are a lunatic, you don’t even care about your family—” Some random family intervallic in between.

“Hello Mr. Verma, our condolences for the family, we can’t even imagine how painful it is for you….” The random family talked to Mr. Verma.

“WHAT!!!”, I thought in my mind.

“thank you, what can we do now it's so nice of you…..” they continued talking.

What was that, why did I say that to him, is it true, what the hell is going on—

“Boy,..” Mr. Verma whispered in my ear.

“why you Think-out-loud so much, you have a brain or a train, which is always running, keep it calm you gonna crash someday,”

“so what were you saying again…,” he continued.

“I-I was—please I apology—” I got interrupted again.

“OHHH!!!!, No, No, No… absolutely not, I am not going to accept your apology now, you have no other chance,” he chuckled.

“how you are so happy at this moment of your life?” I asked.

“Boy, the previous week was no more than apocalypse for me, my wife; me; my only son and his wife were on a religious tour, it was a road trip, we were so happy my son's wife was expecting a baby girl, I got out of the car to fetch some water bottles for the three and a truck slammed them through the freeway,”

“I was watching the whole scene, and then I fainted on the spot, when I finally got consciousness after three days, I was in a hospital, my family was already reduced to ashes….doctors told me I was suffering from Brain Cancer and just have a month or two,” he continued with a smile on his face.

“how come you are so happy, then?” I asked.

“you know we are actually on a different boats buddy, you are upset because you gonna die and you have to leave your family, you have-to-die-alone for now you will be leaving this life alone but for me, I will be meeting my family now after a month or two, my whole family is waiting for me and I am happy about this,”

“You see,…. Death isn’t that worse, it’s a beautiful pain,” Mr. Verma Whispers in my ears.

https://eonnation.blogspot.com 

[violetsandloveletters]

A very long Q that’s taken a while to pass some time...

Do you actually love your grandpa? Grandad, of course, I love them both so much. Do you actually love your grandma? Nan & yes, again, I love & value them both so much, i’m very close to the grandparents on my mums side & honestly both my nan & grandad on that side are both my favourite people. Do you have Facebook? I do & I hate it, I only have it to see pics from my family in America & Spain tbh. What was the last thing you posted on someone’s wall? I wished someone a happy birthday but can’t remember who... Do you have MySpace? I did but haven’t used it in years, sucks that I lost all of my pictures on there. Loved that site tbh. What is your favorite kind of music? I love such a huge range of music tbh, like 80′s, Fall Out Boy, Arctic Monkeys, I listen to Motown when I clean... Honestly a bit of everything. Favorite soft drink? Pepsi Max is my everything quite honestly. Favorite food? Five Guys, chicken teriyaki from Yo Sushi! Krispy Kreme doughnuts, a decent cake- I love food so... Have you ever felt replaced? Of fucking course & it fucking sucks. Have you ever worn false eyelashes? I have & they are a bit of a pain. Do you ever regret making a friend? Yeah for sure. Can you cure mental illness? I don’t think you can cure it, learn to cope somewhat I yeah but I know for a fact that the shit I suffer with on a daily basis will never be cured nor will the trauma/shit just go away. Is God good? Athiest... Cats or dogs? I love both. I have a cat called Hades & would love a dog too someday. Do you play video games? Sims 4, I’ve loved Sims forever! Do you take medication for mental health? Yes I do. Can you really be racist to a white person? You can be racist to anyone... Do you have a favorite hair accessory? What does it look like? I’m boring so either a black scrunchie or the plastic spiral hairbands that don’t kink your hair & I have so many of them. What’s your favorite type of insect? Erm Dragonflies, caterpillars or bees. What’s your LEAST favorite type of insect? Maggots or spiders & moths are a love/hate. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? What did you say? What’s his/her favorite food? My friend Skye, can’t remember & I loved with her for a while so I should know this but she’s part Italian & an amazing cook so anything she cooks for herself i’m sure. What was the last song you listened to? Does it mean anything to you? Apart from the stuff we have at work which I kinda shut off from unless it’s something decent, Billie Eilish ‘Ocean Eyes’, i’m in love with it. Have you ever slept in a water bed? Nope. How do you feel about having sex during your menstrual period? I mean if it’s not heavy it doesn’t bother me tbh, you just can’t do much fun stuff lol. Does your ex have a job? Yeah. Have you ever slept in a car? On car rides yeah, I think I have with an ex once before though when we were supposed to camp but it was cold. What was the last term of endearment you used (babe, hun, dear, etc)? No idea, babe? How often do you use Flickr? Not for like 10 years. Have you ever been on a blind date? No. Do you have a crush on the last person you texted? No. Have you ever got into an argument with the last person you kissed? No. Have you ever liked somebody who was nice to you, but horrible to everyone else? Not sure really. How’s your appetite atm? I’m not hungry, I feel like i’ve just been eating for the sake of it since being ill the other week. Out of all the conversations you’ve had recently, which one has made you smile or laugh the most? No idea, can’t think of once honestly. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? No idea what it was. What is one vacation destination that many people think is just fabulous but which you personally have no desire to visit (or revisit)? Ooh tough question, somewhere like Turkey or Germany. If you were five years younger but knew everything at that age that you’ve actually learned over the last five years, what is one thing you would definitely do differently? Be stronger & don’t put up with any shit from anyone. What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life? My cat & that is literally it & the chance to have a child I guess but Hades for sure. What activity that you have to do every once in a while that you dread the most? Travelling to my mums, she lives about 5 min drive away but I don’t drive & it takes like 40mins by bus or longer by train. When people hear what you do for a living, what is the most typical question or comment they give you regarding your job? Idk, they like the shop but I hate having to explain why i’m on lower hours because of my health cos it’s kinda shitty at 27 when I used to work full time as a store manager. If you were left alone for one hour with nothing more than a pen and a notepad, what would you be inclined to draw or write during those 60 minutes? Not sure, it depends on my mood at the time I guess. If you could witness anything at all in super-slow motion, what would you want to see? No idea. If someone were looking for you in a bookstore, in what section would they be most likely to find you? The art history section or the bit with tarot cards & astrology & stuff. What do you forget to do more often than anything else? Take the bins out when I leave the house so I have to go back up to get them or leave post on the side & forget what they are about. If you could teach everyone in the world one skill, what would it be? How to important it is to make sure that just because you don’t agree or understand what someone else has said/is going through, doesn’t mean it’s not real/irrelevant. You’ve been offered the chance to paint a billboard along a highway with any message you choose, as long as it’s only 10 words long. What is your message? No idea, something inspirational I guess. Would you ever travel to Africa? Nah, don’t fancy it. Whose house were you last at? Mums. Have you ever had a near-death experience? Overdose I guess. Have you ever met anyone who was overly addicted to a computer game? My brother is obsessed with PS4 & I love Sim 4 & can be on it for hours. Have you ever been fingered? Lol. What do you do the most when you are online? Youtube, research random shit, Tumblr, look for stuff to buy/can’t afford or look for places to live in my home town as I wanna move back. What video game have you played the most? SIMS 4 how many times do I have to mention this game :| Do you have scars you don’t like to talk about? I don’t have anything to be ashamed of if that’s what you’re asking. What is something you and your significant other do that may seem weird to others? No idea really. When and why did you last cry? Earlier, I cry literally all the time lately. When was the last time you drank? Alcohol? A long time, after being with D & his issues I hate it even more than I did before. Do you wear jewelry a lot? Earrings, belly bar & nose ring I never take out, I have a anklet I wear pretty much every day as well as my Tiffany ring & Tiffany bracelet from D & a necklace from my mum that says ‘Love you to the moon’ or an amethyst pendant on suede. I have like a small selection of random valuable jewellery I switch between rather than loads of costume cheap stuff apart from the 20ish chokers I have... Who in your household do you not have a good relationship with? None? Who in your life are you scared to lose more than anything? D, honestly I would die, same as Hades, they are my family. I nearly lost my mum in April & it was horrendous, but any close family really or my best friend. Honestly, would you rather be single or in a relationship? A relationship for sure. Do any of your friends not get along at all? D & my best friend possibly? What are your 3 favorite internet sites? Youtube, Tumblr & maybe ASOS haha. Have you ever gotten anything autographed, if so by who & what was it? No idea, can’t think of anyone. Do you prefer Walmart or Target? I’m in the UK so neither. Who is your favorite model? Anyone male with long hair & a nose ring ha. What have you done that is out of character for you? I’m not sure really, i’ve changed a lot over the last few years & don’t take shit & will say exactly how I feel & have become very angry whereas before I used to be shy & bite my tongue a lot more than I used too. But physically I went to a concert on my own last year which was the ultimate ‘fuck it, i’ve gone mad’ moment as I was on the train there & tbh it was traumatising. What do you feel strong enough to protest about? So many things, I feel very strongly about a lot of things I just have never had a chance to actually go to a protest. What’s the biggest blooper you’ve never lived down? Fuck knows, probably getting drunk years ago & blacking out. What is the best thing you have done just because you were told you can’t? I mean it’s not saying I can’t, more shouldn’t, but me & D getting Hades. What are you most thankful for? My family, D, Hades and the NHS. How do you feel about thrift shops or flea markets? You can find some good shit. What do you like to put gravy on? Anything I possibly can! My fave midnight snack atm is yorkshire puddings & gravy or another of my faves is jacket potato with cheese & gravy. Have you ever gone canoeing/kayaking? Yeah, for a school trip once & I loved it. What one thing in particular makes you feel good about yourself? Compliments of how I look & compliments on my boobs haha & also how much of a nice person I am & that i’m always there to listen & just nonjudgemental. What is priceless to you? Love & the good people I have around me. What is one thing you know about your family history you’re proud of? I’m not sure really. Do you keep a budget? Yeah I do, I use an app cos that’s waht you do when you’re an adult with many bills & your own place haha. What makes you feel rested and refreshed? Having CFS/ME it’s hard to say because it’s a bit of a roll of a dice tbh, some days I could have an amazing night sleep or a relaxed day off but the rest & refreshed feeling could be short lived/non existent. A massage or a relaxing bath with Lush products helps clear my mind somewhat though. Who depends on you the most? My cat, & I guess my mum since she’s been unwell over the last few months. Could you ever be someone’s bodyguard? Im petite & 5ft with size 2 feet... Has one of your biggest fears come true? Yeah, being cheated on. Have you ever let your mom or significant other fight a battle for you? No. Did you create a checklist for your ideal spouse? No lol. I like what I like. Have you ever ridden on a subway or train and what did you like about it? Yeah quite often, I love getting the train into London cos it’s just chill. Do you have to experience something to fully understand it? Somewhat. What embarrasses you instantly? I’m so easily embarrassed & so self conscious so literally anything. Do you think you could be a firefighter, why/why not? No, same as the bodyguard thing, i’m too small & have ME so the fatigue stops a lot. What do you think should be censored? Can’t think tbh. Are you related to anyone famous or historical, if so who? William the Conqueror which means the Queen too & Danny Dyer, Alexander the Great. Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? I would & family I guess, haven’t really thought about it Have you ever fired a gun? No. What is the main quality you think makes a great parent? Hard to choose just one, just being a great teacher & loving & caring for them & helping the kid grow into a great person & always being there to guide & listen. Who is a female role model in your life? My nan. What childhood dreams have you neglected? Not really childhood but I wanted to be a dermatologist & I regret not training to do that, What do you have trouble seeing clearly in your mind? My future, when you loose the will to live a bit or suffer with trauma/suicidal thoughts or have a botched life/childhood it’s very hard to see anything clearly. The way I perceive people or myself or life will always be tainted I think. Would you travel to space if possible? Would be very cool, though space food looks rancid. Are you an optimistic person? Depends on the circumstance, I like to think im optimistic when it comes to relationships or D or whatever but in general im not. Im a logical person. Do you consider yourself more realistic OR idealistic? Bit of both. Have you ever felt bi-curious? Never, I like dick & dick is all it’ll ever be. Are you a fan of U.S. President Donald Trump? Not really. Do you know anyone with autism, mood disorders or learning disabilities? Erm me, hi! I suffer with multiple mood disorders. Are you green-eyed? Bluey green I guess. Would you consider UFC fighting and WWE real sports events? Not sure. Have you ever had an immediate relative pass away of cancer? No. Would you rather work in an office, warehouse or on a retail shop floor? I currently work on a retail shop floor, but i’d prefer an office I think. Do you have a favorite wild animal? Why? I love wolves & tigers because they are both stunning & bats. Do you have any unusual, uncommon phobias? Mould, im terrified & me & my brother have trypophobia which is holes. Do you prefer Android or iPhone? Iphone. Are you a fan of sweet, sour, salty, or savory snacks? All, depends on the time of the month & mood, probs sweet & savoury are top. Do you believe climate change is real? 100000000% Do you believe in evolution OR creationism? Evolution! Do you think people can really predict the future? Hmmm, idk, I do believe in tarot & shit so... Have you been to a lot of shrinks? We don’t call them that here but psychiatrists & psychologists or councillors, yeah. How often do you clean your room? I have a whole flat to clean & once a week, usually Mondays are my ‘get my shit together for the week’ days. Any movies coming out soon that you want to see? It’s out now but Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. What was the last fear you overcame? Not sure.  Have you ever hurt yourself trying to crack a body part? No. What’s the worst part about winter? My bedroom gets freezing so forgetting to put the heating on & freezing my ass off in the morning. Or when you layer up but have to travel on the tube or in shops & it’s fucking boiling. Also when it’s icy & trying not to trip over. Summer? Our houses in the UK are made to keep heat in not out so when it is a hot day we don’t have aircon & shit. Spring? Hayfever & the days where it’s warm enough to wear sandals. Fall? I love Autumn. Are you allergic to anything? Quorn & grapefruit & avocados/nuts can give me migraines. How many times have you changed a diaper in your life? Lots when my little brother was a baby. Which country has the most fascinating culture? Japan is crazy but I love anciet history so does ancient Greek & Rome count?. Who does your favorite song? Fuck that’s the most difficult question ever. When was the last time you wore makeup? Today. Do you prefer males or females or both? I have men issues but females apart from my best friend & family annoy me & most of my friends are men & so’s my cat so... Where in your town do you go when you wanna chill with a few friends? Me & my bestie would go to London. Where’s the best place to get coffee? I don’t drink coffee but I love a Costa. Have you ever seen someone struggle with an addiction? D, it was hell. In May I lost a friend because of addiction too & it really struck something inside. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? My nan brought me pink roses for my birthday this year & roses are my favourite. Do you like cranberry juice? Only in a Woo Woo cocktail.. Do you play any zombie-killing video games? No. What is the dominating genre on your mp3 player/iPod? 80′s everything! Do you have a book shelf? No. What website do you spend way too much time on? Youtube or Netflix or Now Tv on the telly. Do you like wind chimes? Yeah. Do you have a fetish? Maybe... Do you have a pet fish? No, I’ve had a few in my time though, my first pets were goldfish called Michael Jackson & Bubbles. Do you like kettle corn? Popcorn? Yeah. Do you enjoy classic rock? Looove! When was the last time you went for a walk, just cause? Never lol, probably the last time I went to my grandparents house as they live practically on the seafront & it’s just lovely where they live. Do you listen to Type O Negative? No. Do you have any fillings or cavities? No. Have you gotten your wisdom teeth taken out yet? No & hopefully don’t ever have too. Do you actually read privacy policies when signing up for new things? I skim over yeah. Did you have a lot of birthday parties when you were younger? If so, did you invite everyone in the class? Yeah, my first party was the class but after it was friends. Do you like when things are color coordinated? YES & i’m very OCD about it. Have you ever participated in one of those “guess how many jelly beans, mints, etc. are in this jar!” contest? if so, have you ever won? Yeah, and no. Can you juggle? No. Have you ever mistaken a ringing phone on TV or in a movie for your own? Yeah, How often do you use bobby pins? Whenever I do a messy bun so often. Do you live on an avenue, road, drive or something else? Street. What are your school colors? The first was blue, the 2n’d was red & the 3rd was green. Have you ever taken a picture with Santa when you were little? Yeah. Have you ever rolled down a steep, grassy hill for fun? Yeah when I was younger. Do you like Nerds candy? Never had them!

[selfthoughtsandreflection]

12/26/2018

Day after Christmas-

I flew back to Ann Arbor on the 22nd. This is a particularly exciting vacation because I’ve turned off my email for the week so I can’t have access to my email. Go block leave. But, this is particularly sensitive timing for my family. Grandpa tripped and is in the hospital unconscious because he has a hemorrhage. Mom is in China with Grandpa and coming back on the 29th which means I’m the lucky winner that’s taking care of my brother while mom is not here. 

In the past couple of days, family friends have been nice enough to offer us their hospitality, inviting us to their holiday parties and family gathering. I’ve been taking my brother to those because I don’t want him to feel so alone during the holidays, where everyone is spending time with family and gathering together to celebrate. 

I’m realizing how difficult this is. Today, I wanted to take the bro to a cafe because I’m going crazy from spending all day at home, it just feels so suffocating ya know? I told him that if we’re going to a cafe, he needs to bring a book to read and he absolutely refused. I threatened that I wouldn’t take him if that’s the case and he said- “OK”. I’m so annoyed because he knew that I cared too much to leave him at home alone. He hasn’t eaten breakfast or lunch so I wanted to feed him at the cafe. This was supposed to be my vacation where I can actually unplug, relax, and enjoy time with myself or friends and family. Instead, I’m actually like a second mom, taking care of a teenage kid. I never signed up for this and I can’t help but be angry at the situation. There’s nothing I can do about the situation and it’s just so unfortunate. But, when I compare my current situation with my other coworkers or friends, who have both parents to talk to, a large family to go home and celebrate with, or the monetary means to go somewhere fancy for vacation, I can’t help but feel a little less than.

My hope is that the suffering is a character building experience which in the future I will look back at and say that it was a good learning experience. I also hope this is only a short term- it’s been such a tough 2018.

On top of that, I’ve been looking for jobs and the last role that I interviewed for just turned me down. I’m honestly kind of shocked they rejected me. But, I guess it’s not a bad thing because I wasn’t so keen on it anyways. I was also brutally honest at the interview. They asked me how I feel my current job and I literally told them everything I felt that was wrong about what my current role is and what I want for the future. Maybe I was too much of a visionary because I talked about how I want to lead and they probably wanted someone who is more of a follower type role. It’s not bad, it just means that it’s not the right role. But it does hurt my ego a little bit to get rejected. There’s been so many rejections so I just don’t know when the yes will be. I just pray that God has a handle on this and he will deliver the perfect role at the perfect time for me after all of these trials.

I’ve been reading a bunch of life philosophy books and really reflecting on what I want in life recently. 

Lean In- The book by Cheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook. She talks about how we should bring up gender bias as a topic of discussion in organizations. Women are expected to “do it all” but the truth is, we don’t have to do it all, we just have to do well at what we value the most. Family, career etc. It’s important to have a supportive spouse as well as a supportive work culture in order to facilitate that success and we should expect support, not do it all alone. 

1) What really struck with me is when she talked about how it’s important to ask and to set expectations. As women, we’re sometimes expected to be grateful for what we have instead of demanding for more, for the fear that demanding can be seen as “bossy.” But, if we never ask, how can we be expected to receive? 

2) We should take risks. Cheryl took the risk of joining Google to be head of a division that hasn’t even existed when she signed the job offer. It’s important to take risks. In my opinion, as I’m reflecting on the job search, the ideal role is something strategic & finance in a developed startup where I can see myself growing with the company. The way to make it is to be promoted when the company gets acquired or grow with the company as the firm expands. I’m actually a workaholic- I don’t mind work, I actually enjoy working when I can see how much impact my input translates in terms of output so as long as I can see meaning behind what I’m doing, I’m actually really happy working. I think my personality is fit for a startup that gives me many hats to wear and I can make a big impact.

Tuesdays with Morrie’s- This book made me cry. Morrie’s has Lou Gherig’s disease, or ALS, which is a neuro degenerative disease. His old student rekindles the relationship after being a workaholic and Morrie’s gives the student lessons every Tuesday until he passes away. The important takeaway is that in life, we need to figure out when we’re dying, what will we really treasure about the life that we lived? What do we really see ourselves leaving a legacy in? For me, I think that’s having a fulfilling career and leaving an impact on people around- family, friends etc. When I think about it, I actually would really enjoy having a family and raising kids in a way that my parents couldn’t, provide for them and be there for them in ways that my parents couldn’t. I don’t blame them but I feel like there’s so many other ways I could see improvement and I want to do that. I would hire a nanny though, I want my kids to appreciate time with me and not take me for granted. I also realized I’m really easily attached and I really like having that emotional support. When I find this job and I’m in California, I should find a bae. I like spending time and emotionally connecting with someone. Friends is nice but the connection is different. 

Man’s Search for Meaning- This book is about a doctor who survived the Holocaust, he writes about the Holocaust from a psychological perspective. Psychologically what happens to people as they’re in the concentration camps and what happens after. My main takeaway from that book was that your mental belief can actually have a huge influence on your physical health. One of the patients he was overseeing in the concentration camp was struck with Syphilis. The patient said that freedom and salvation will be New Years. Sadly, NYE came around and there was no sight of freedom. The patient actually died on that night. The conclusion is that he gave us mentally because he thought that day was freedom; in a sense, that day he was granted freedom because he had passed and no longer had to suffer the physical illness. But, the story just shows that one’s mental state can really influence positively or negatively physical outcomes. I think this ties really well to the idea of “law of attraction.” Mentally, we need to think about how we can do it, we can succeed. If we don’t think so in our minds, then it’s harder to obtain what we want. We need to mentally welcome things in order for them to physically occur in life.

I find journals like these to be so therapeutic, I’m not sure if anyone reads these but the above are nuggets that I hope someday will help someone that is in a similar state of mind as I am in now. It’s important to maintain the hope and really channel the law of attraction in times of difficulty. Believe that suffering is a temporary state and the suffering is because God is building something greater for you. 

My 2019 plans are: 

1) I want to do a headstand so I think I’m going to attend yoga more, I think the yoga’s physical effects are so great- after I went to y7 I was like super sore and it was great but I also felt so clean in my mind. I really like that.

2) Find the right role with the right pay that will get me to become senior enough to make decisions, be that diversity in an organization that will be the right fit for my vision and my skillset in north Cali. Not sure if that’s where I’ll be forever but I definitely want to try it out for a couple of years.

3) Get a boyfriend. I think it’s right time for me to find someone to share emotional connections with and someone to spend the free time that I’ll have when I switch roles and do things with. I miss that aspect of the relationship.

4) Get a dog, I love dogs and I want a dog that’s fluffy that I can just hug and run around with. Probably like a medium sized dog that I can easily pick up but that’s not too small to fit in a bag. 

2018 has been a year of pretty shitty things. This is the first full year out of college. I’ve had several mental breakdowns at work and at home. This year has been a year of many challenges and many tears. I lost my Grandma, mom had surgery, and Grandpa got a hemorrhage.  It’s a good learning experience. I’m learning what I want in life, what I value, and how to deal with challenges. In the current moment, this all sucks so much but I know in the future this will allow me to achieve greater things. 

2019 will be a better year for sure. (It’s hard to make a year worse than 2018. kidding).

I’m optimistic and I look forward to what I will achieve and what the New Year will bring for me and the people around me.