#something something i am portraying this as a love story (im not; if the characters think so its another thing) so i must be fucked up irl

[malkaviian]

im home earlier than i thought

[milgram-tournament]

MILGRAM Best Song Tournament, Round 2, Match 3 MAGIC vs. MEME

Propaganda for both options under the cut!

Propaganda for MAGIC:

MAGIC MY BELOVED MAGIC!!! Its one of the best MVs in the entire series, even including T2. Magic is visually stunning and has some fantastic art direction but also is very clever in how it conveys its themes and ideas. Magic doesn't really hide anything from you, not really. It's all symbolic but it Tells You Things. It shows you the abuse, it shows you the cat. There's a fun little relationship going on here where, In Magic. Amane's pain and suffering isn't taken seriously by the people around her and the Audience we are discouraged to take it at face value due to the fictionalized nature of Magic. It's so cool. I'm so fond of the song as well, it's one of the best in the series purely cause of the Layers in it. The implications of this Inability to be good is seeped into Magic. Amane knows this isn't reality, Magic knows it's a show, she watches it at the end. And it's so Sad to me that even in her fictionalized happy world she Cannot be a good girl. It's a standard completely out of reach for her and that idea is just conveyed so well visually.

Im not even talking about the goddamn cat yet- the cat symbolism goes Deep. That cat is HER it has the same wounds Amane has in Purge March. I- I cant talk about the intertextuality of Purge March and Magic here this is Magic propaganda only- I- there's so much good stuff to Magic. I Re watched it over and over again. It has some the Best Writing and Visual Communication in Milgram and I will Die on this Hill.

---

shoutout to magic for having pretty props AND being vague as fuck about the crime! diversity win!

seriously though amane looks SO cute in it! the mv has such a pretty and colorful style and even with that it's able to show the horrors of what amane went through.

adding onto my last point. that scene where the cat is hyperventilating and you see the camera shaking???? that scene where the mascots find amane helping the cat and they're all standing over her? CHILLS. im repeating myself but the fact that they were able to portray the awful things amane went through in a genuinely emotional way while still keeping the cute cartoon look is soo impressive

there are SO many layers to itill the entire cartoony style making it look like a tv show… utilizing the cartoony effects and bright colors to show amane downplaying her own pain… the transformation after she gets punished barely changing anything to show just how manipulated she was from the start… ueueueue

ALSO ALSO ALSO THE SCENE AT THE END WITH AMANE STARING AT THE SCENE? OHHH ITS SO GOOD it adds such a feeling of dread and reminds you on top of this whole thing that all of this is truly horrifying! something is going on here!

this song is so catchy it gets stuck in my head CONSTANTLY

"Dear wise one, Am I worthy? Is it ok to spoil myself?" AMANE... UEUEUUEUE

the little ding sound effects in the instrumental?????

amanes voice is ADORABLE

THE INSTRUMENTAL IN THAT PART WHERE SHES HELPING THE CAT HAS THAT GODLY TYPE SOUND YOUD TYPICALLY ASSOCIATE WITH CHURCHES AND STUFF AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN IT PROPERLY BUT JUST RELISTEN TO IT AND YOU WILL KNOW WHAT I MEAN. ITS SUCH A NEAT DETAIL

i could go on about this mv for days but i am not a theorist unfortunately. just. magic sweep

Propaganda for MEME:

"MeMe is fantastic because it plays off the audience’s assumptions about Mikoto as a character and tells a “double story”. There’s layers to it and it’s deliberately deceptive in the way it presents the events out of order. Even the instrumentals themselves tell a story. The shift from piano in the second chorus climax is so good - and the way they combine in the last chorus, plus the addition of a violin culminates the song perfectly."

---

"For propaganda: I love meme so much because even the music alone tells as whole story. It goes from heavy metal to calm to heavy metal to calm and that happens a few times and then there’s an epic and creepy intermission with an amazing guitar and a scary of sound of Mikoto’s heavy breathing. And then the psychedelic music and BAM the final chorus. The final chorus of meme just gives me the absolute chills. Like it’s the calmer chorus we see earlier but with epic symphonic metal and an amazing build up and climax like it’s perfectly encapsulates a story through music alone I just love it so much. Also it’s literally called meme lmao."

---

"I could go on about the motifs in MeMe - like identity loss, living and dying, dreaming etc. It's a song, more than with any other character, about the inner self and what hides from the surface. Of the fear that comes with one's identity and place in the world being challenged and crumbling. The intricate designs on the tarot cards have so much depth to them"

[jjclaymore]

kyra ramble.

i think kyra having some teen girl in love scenes this season was so important. throughout the show we've seen her as super badass and strong. of course i love this side of her because we need more female characters like that!!! unapologetically badass. however i sometimes feel in media often the female characters are reduced to one or the other - fierce or soft. anyway let me get into it

this season she of course had her usual fighter energy that we all know and love but she was also given the opportunity to be soft. to be vulnerable. but the main thing here is this never ever took away from her strong-willed personality that's been so well developed over the past seasons. yes girl you can fight and risk your life and be brave and be strong and fierce and clever but you can also love and be delicate and be a friend and a lover and be soft. she doesn't have to be one or the other anymore she can be both and she is both and that is so important!!!! she was NEVER portrayed as weaker or less valuable than any of the male characters and when being a girl in love is often a way to subdue female characters and put them aside as the love interest her relationship with alex never caused her fight to die down if anything it just made it stronger. im so grateful to the writers for the amount of strong females in this show (ky, mrs jones, jack etc) that were never ever reduced because of their femininity. kyra was portrayed as so much more than alexs love interest and the way their love story never reduced kyras strength as an individual was delivered effortlessly. if you can't tell from this account or my twitter i am obsessed with kyra and alex as a couple but it's also so needed that she wasn't just thrown in as the love interest straight away. kyra was given her own story her own personality and her own background she was never just the girl written for alex to fall in love with and that is something so special that more shows need to get behind when writing women and relationships. props to everyone behind the writing of kyra and especially marli siu who delivered her story perfectly. in short having kyra added to the show has been so incredible and im sure she'll be a role model to many young girls growing up who will now have the show as well as the books that a lot of us had in our childhoods. its been so refreshing to have an original female character written in who is shown so strong and so unstoppable but also is unashamedly loving and soft when it's needed, without dulling her previously mentioned qualities.

anyway. that's all <3 i love this show and i love kyra!

[johannwolfgangvongoethe]

Some Personal Thoughts on Disability in Enstars

disclaimer: disability is a very broad term that covers many different experiences. i will be talking about physical disabilities since i feel most comfortable doing so/have experience with them. obviously that ignores a Huge part of what disability and chronical illness is and can be. but i think it is beyond my capabilities to talk about experiences i don't know much about.

alt caption: i think ritsu is a good character and im trying to explain to myself why

this is sort of a long post, sorry.

content warnings: i talk about ableism and touch on related topics such as dehumanization and objectification and such below. individual parts of this post have their own cw's.

Enstars Writing, Beloathed

to get this out of the way; it is bad sometimes. this is discussed very often. it doesnt depend on the authors either, in my opinion, some writers will hit you with something really troublesome only to (seemingly accidentally) invent human emotion and compassion in a different story. i dont want to repeat what others have said eloquently but there is a fair amount of imperialist worldviews, xenophobia, just racism really, transphobia, ableism, and copaganda to be found in enstars. this isnt about x character being x thing, but about how it is very noticable when the author of a story holds these worldviews and they bleed into their stories.

so that is not the greatest foundation if youre looking for well-written disabilities. but i wouldnt be reading enstars if i didnt think it genuinely is really really good sometimes. in my opinion, the way disabilities are portrayed is a mixed bag overall but there are some extremely worthwhile bits that touched me quite a lot.

What I personally understand as Well-Written Disability

the way disabled people suffer often goes unnoticed, and disabled people dont have a platform to talk about oppression. a lot of life-changing issues can go unnoticed to those unnaffected by them, even if they are in broad daylight: underfounded or entirely lacking healthcare, the way many healthcare systems are marketbased and ethics are prone to suffer bc of this (even under 'welfare' capitalism), a lack of equal marriage, the inaccessibility of the most basic and necessary facilities, financing care and the dependency on family/loved ones (both a logistical and psychological problem), the huge stigma against disabled people, etc, etc, you get me....

we need to write about people who need care, to keep them in mind at all times. disabled people are not a minority in a mathematical sense but in a hierarchical sense. it is naive to think of them as "a substancial percentage" of populations. as we age, we inevitably all enter the stage of needing care at some point. SO to an extend, i want to claim its a topic that affects every single person. yet disabled people are rarely a central topic anywhere. it is not enough to acknowledge them, we need to plan and think with them in mind. and Write with them in mind, i guess.

SO when i see fiction grapple the topic, i am usually really happy, even if the portrayal isnt ideal. (critical, maybe, but generally speaking very happy) pointing out "badly" written disabled characters is obviously not as easy as calling someone out for uncritically saying "i think eugenics are a good idea!!!" through fiction. people with that sort of facist mindset exist of course but ableism does not end there.

if i were to single out things i see often: i think the most disappointing thing a story can do is to - mention a disability without it ever having an impact on people in the story (-> the disability is basically nonexistent, has no impact or relevance, outside of a theoretical mention) OR - uncritically use a disabled character as a mere plot devise, without granting them the ability to speak (-> dehumanization, a lack of understanding that disabled people are, well, People. they do shit.)

and then of course there is fetishization, both in a literal sense and in an inspiration porn sense and the problem of turning disability into a caricature for jokes (either to other disabled people for their behaviour/body or to create a sense of satisfying superiority by laughing at them) but i feel like those problems explain themselves.

to apply these to very basic examples: i think often something like a robotic sci-fi prosthetic is not a good way to represent a disability because it fails to represent what people go through irl and provides a "magic fix" without repercussions. here is a really good post about it. about the plot device issue... i think it is similar to what people often criticise as "manpain". a disabled person will never appear or speak, they are demoted to being the reason an able-bodied character acts a certain way, like a lifeless accessory. this doesnt always have to be bad, esp if its just a sideplot! but it can get tiring if the audience never gets to learn about other aspects of the unseen character in question and we are only introduced to their suffering.

all of this to talk about gacha idol boys. it is how it is. anyway, this is roughly my mental state when i tackle enstars.

disclaimer 2: i am really just a kogaP. this influences which characters i encounter when reading. there are tons of stories i just never looked at and there is SO MUCh lore i just dont know about. please lemme know if you have additions to stuff i say/understand a character better/have related story recommendations! tl;dr the sakuma bit will be long.

disclaimer 3: i genuinely adore every single character mentioned below and am always excited to learn smth new about them. if i criticize writing, that has nothing to do with that character or their fans. it is about the writers.

the most obvious example. Eichi (content warning for brief mentions of self harm and suicidal ideation)

everything eichi does, he does with the knowledge he will most likely die young. that is a truly dramatic setup.

but before i get back to that thought. it always felt to me like eichis illness(/es) lack a certain sense of conciseness? i do not think you need to put a name and diagnosis on it for it to be relatable and real to readers, tbh!! though to achieve believability, there needs to be a good amount of consistency. what i can recall off the top of my head is the following:

he breaks down/straight up blacks out frequently due to weakness and dizzyness

measures were taken to secure his safety in those situations (the infamous Eichi-kun Gauge as seen in Element)

his stamina is seriously low

he coughs a lot

we saw him cough up blood (Daydream)

he relies on long hospital stays because his health needs to be monitored and/or supported this closely

he stays inside a lot (hinting towards problems with his immune system?)

being healthy enough to eat unhealthy food is a big deal to him, so there are dietary restrictions/it was necessary to precisely control what he eats

his grandfather, who died recently, is considered an outlier for how long he lived (so it IS hereditary)

which..... could be a lot of things...? or, more likely: a culmination of many things at once. if you have headcanons on eichis health, please lemme know!

but in addition to eichis terminal illness, there is a second quality to him that seperates him from most disabled people: he is extremely wealthy. and his wealth is fundamentally important to stories. usually illness and poverty go hand in hand, since incame is tied to the ability to work, which worsens an already bad situation. no matter how limited eichis actions are because of his body, the possibilties offered by his wealth make him a central figure in every overarching plot. in addition to this, his family is well aware of his consitution and he is a patriarchal leading figure to them, the head to their coporate hierachy. eichi is free of the things that usually rid the chronically ill of their safety and power: society (he is an idol and popular) and money (he is the richest boy in japan). if youd ask me, i think that while being chronically ill is of course physically taxing, the worse problem is the economic state it puts you in. eichi simply overcomes this? yes, he is terminally ill, his situation is terrifying. but he has an extraordinary amount of control while he lives. more than a poor yet able-bodied person may have.

his unique circumstances enable him to be incredibly active. this is so fun to read about in my opinion. its a fascinating setup to me. without casting any sort of moral judgement on his actions and the antagonistic role he plays; he is, excuse me for my phrasing here, a disabled power fantasy. (at least to me)

this is a double-edged sword to him. because of who he is as a person (ambitious, cunning, ruthless, diligent)

he lives in relative safety but his strong ambition and financial ability to fulfill his dreams tempt him to go past his limits. because his remaining lifetime is uncertain, the need to preserve the body he is given seems uneconomical (a mindset his upbringing and education as an heir to his family would have enforced imo) he is bound to break down sooner or later anyway. i think he begins to see himself and his body as a tool to achieve his goals and neglects spending time on anything BUT working towards them. so the moment he runs out of goals (like at the end of Element), his reason to "remain" becomes futile.

it really struck with me how he appears in Blackbird - emaciated, pathetic, purposefully neglected because he chose to be neglected and weak in an act of self harm bc denying medical attention (something that couldnt have happened otherwise) wataru has to remind him that no one died and the obvious connection to make is that the eccentrics are physically unharmed and starting over, that they should not be a source of guilt to eichi. but i think this is just as much about eichi himself. he might have expected to die since he left the hospital and overexhausted himself at school and as an idol. he didnt die though. it was a real possibility and seemed likely but he didnt. the neglect and indirect self harm here point out, to me, that he saw the "role" he gave himself as fulfilled at that point and waited to die.

eichi stands over economic or social factors that could ostracize and dehumanize him but funnily enough he manages to do so himself by treating his body as a tool and his happiness as an option that got overshadowed by a need to succeed.

this vulnerability makes him, despite how vague the descriptions of his illness are and despite how unrelatable his wealth is, a very satisfying character imo. it is engaging to me. certain limits are removed for him but he created new ones, specifically because he did not see himself as something worth sustaining once he becomes useless. imo, eichi applied the idea that a lifes worth can be measured in its ability to function in an industry to himself. and spiralled over it, entirely inverting his uncanny amount of bodily autonomy. it is clear how the situation he is in worsens his mental health like that. and how his mental health in turn worsens his physical health. it is inseperable.

i cant really get into !! era eichi because i genuinely just dont... know enough. the fine tradition of having a weekly H-Day stands out, though. after all, eichi has new bigger ambitions and is, once again, inviting his own ruin through overexhaustion. so his friends (the new addition of having friends is essential) had to forcefully make him stop for at least one day a week. that is pretty big. i think.

this is true for many marginalized existences so it of course applies to disabled people: if neither your surroundings nor yourself permit you to feel human and therefore assign your person an inherent worth and lovability... sometimes you need a friend to do so!!! social circles are the best support structure for your health.

The Sakuma Family

(i will get into ritsu and rei seperately later on. there are just a few concepts i want to get out of the way that apply to both of them.)

so... to get a little theoretical; the concept of "disability" relies on the concept of a "normative" human existence. "disability" is an otherness and can therefore easily be seen as a "monstrocity" in the eyes of ignorant people, something that instils fear. (there is a reason why a lot of horror exploits disabled bodies as a source of terror and uses mental hospitals as settings) from an able-bodied point of view it seems "desirable" to be a "normative human", yet the disabled person knows that is not a possibility and knows their worth and place as a human in human spaces. at least ideally. able-bodied people sometimes lack this understanding. there is nothing to be desired about an able body or fixed about a disabled body, beyond what medical care can do for ones quality of life.

if you have read operetta, this is all very familiar;

operetta, chapter 17 and, well, here we are. vampires. a very basic truth about the sakuma family that i hate to see denied is that they are human. there is nothing supernatural about them. they are just disabled. or, to turn the idea around, if one was to assign them vampiristic traits and such... is vampirism not a disability and should be taken seriously as such? if you consider the limits a vampire has while coordinating through their life, is that not... strangely just a disabled experience? (MINUS THE KILLING PEOPLE OBVIOUSLY but much modern fiction is sympathetic towards vampires instead and does not display them as violent)

anyway, to hear it from the horses mouth (the horse is rei):

operetta, chapter 19 the sakuma family is a curious case. their condition is hereditary though the severity varies from person to person. it comes up in many stories but for the most part i am thinking about operetta, resurrection sunday, and devils right now. how did this all start? what made an entire family turn to live as vampires, with blood ceremonies and all that? what bizarre kind of generational trauma is this?

(and, while it does not play a role as important as it did for eichi, they are rich. this is important to mention. many normal experiences just dont apply to them because wealth makes them immune. ... how did the sakumas become this influential anyway.)

for an unspecified but long time, an entire family managed to mentally entirely seperate themselves from the rest of humanity because of their chronical illness. personally, i have no doubt this is the result of a world that othered them first. whether the main motivator at play here is a defensiveness towards a society that cannot understand you or an internal need to turn hardships into an identity that can be carried with pride. it takes a considerable amount of emotional strength and planning for the "hey we are human actually" declaration in operetta to occur.

they are, weirdly, what people mean when they talk about a "toxic anti-recovery mindset". (an expression i struggle with because this sort of rhetoric is often used to discriminate against disabled people who speak up for themselves or ask for accomodations. but that aside) it is an amount of pride that leads to internal self destruction.

of course, as is the case with every single character i write about in this post, a lot of it has to do with aesthetics and being chuuni to sell gacha cards. so we know the reason behind the reason. but it makes for some bizarre in-universe implications.

but in any case, the fact that their identity as false vampires is something they have always carried, that modern society sees as "mystical and sexy" has a hilarious side effect: their disability becomes marketable under the guise of vampirism. it is hard to recover from that.

so again, we have a double-edged sword: to present ones medical condition as a "persona" declares it as a performative act, something that is done to bring joy to an audience. personal detriment is not considered here, since it stops being a part of ones being and starts to become "work". the time and place of ones symptoms has to overlap with the time and place of ones performances. or people will hate you for your uncontrollable illness. however, rei and ritsu are both also able to carry their condition with a sort of playfulness. it is almost something like the act of "reclaiming" when they purposefully choose to larp a little for fun. usually, when a scene mentions their disability in the context of comic relief, they have control over the situation that unfolds and even initiate it and invite others to laugh alongside them. this can be a slippery slope to getting harrassed of course.... but i am rather baffled by the amount of dominance they have in social interactions. so it just reads as a healthy amount of dark humour to me.

this, and the consistent writing of their symptoms, and the ability to easily compare it to real existing illnesses, easly make them my favourite instance of written disabled people in the series. their illness has an impact on their behaviour and it is detrimental! and they are both very human in the way they attempt to cope. there is a certain realism to it. idek.

many people seem to headcanon them with myalgic encephalomyelitis, which is a really good explanation, and i personally want to suggest narcolepsy. the point being, there is room to accurately assign them a realistic relatable and understandable condition, even if nothing is ever named in canon. and of course they are mentioned to have an iron deficiency.

bear with this slightly "out there" theory for a moment: have you or a friend ever tried to get a compensation for your disadvantage at school or uni? it can be really hard to do, if it is possible at all, even if it is something very simple (more time, a slightly different enviroment, the ability to drink or sit, etc) yumenosaki is a school for performance arts, mainly idols. bold statement: it might genuinely be easier to get/explain an accommondation for your "idol quirk" (something that would be actively fostered), than for your disability. not that yumenosaki is very strict or asks for a lot anyway, its just something that has been on my mind.

here is another funny thing i have been thinking about: both of them crave juice, soda, and fruit - sugary yet fresh stuff. i feel like this is not uncommon for people who suffer from excessive tiredness and fatigue, the body subconsciously wishes for some sugar intake to "wake up".

Inventing a Guy to Cope. Rei

funny title aside... he... did that... ? rei is a curious example of how different mostly unrelated traumas can overlap. he had no childhood, thanks to his family that considered him "mature" at a very young age and his early status as a child star. and his bad health is a miserable addition to this. it is quite scary to image how pressured to do right he felt growing up and how that resulted in the fragmented distanced way he views himself; reinventable, and ultimately unknowable. (to others AND himself)

despite his bad health he has always been working and performing "well". he was praised for his remarkable talents but rarely had the chance to stop and patch himself up. whether this was a result of a pushy enviroment or his personality as a people pleaser who cannot show weakness and imperfection is hard to tell. maybe both.

the state he is in in Crossroad is fascinating to me. he all but directly lists the criteria of depression to keito when he attempts to explain his sorrows. he is restless, rowdy, mentions later on that he enrolled in yumenosaki against his familys wishes. he is very much searching for joy and his own identity in the middle of a health emergency. this has to do with the way he was raised, only knowing how to exist for and serve others, how he was made to sell a made-up version of himself, but i also believe it has to do with the fact he has started to exclude himself from his familys traditions and values. he started to cast away the uncertain "monstrosity" existence of his family (as well as the false idolhood others assigned him) and instead embraces humanity as a chronically ill person.

crossroad, i forgor which chapters

this of course marks a starting point of change that later results in him making up the wagahai pronouns persona - something he specifically created with the intention of looking vulnerable and weak. because he yearned to do less, to recover from years of exhaustion.

in a way, i want to say both, the ore pronouns persona and the wagahai pronouns persona, are attempts to cope with expectations he cannot handle physically or mentally. one relies on masking, on appearing stronger than he actually is and therefore invulnerable, and the other relies on exaggerating his weakness, in an attempt to finally let others recognize it. i think as a disabled person, both are performances one has to learn in order to "function" in everyday life, while remaining safe from serious harm (doing badly at ones job or classes, angering others that hold power over your life). since ones circumstances are often hard to grasp for someone who does not share the same illness, there is no choice but to simplify and exaggerate until symptoms become tangible concepts or to just brave through it, at the cost of ones health and future time.

rei in particular, for better or for worse, is incredibly capable when he needs to be and unfortunately that means others will often not take his health seriously because they saw him function just fine the other day. this is a general problem but an obvious offender in that regard is koga, who comments on reis fatigue constantly and loves to create a bit of a high expectations toxic work enviroment (and, to be fair, rei terrorizes him too. kogas hostility towards rei is sometimes ableist but not really rooted in ableism. after all koga is highly aware how performative the wagahai persona can be and is a huge motivational and inspirational factor in reis life. its a whole complex)

!! era holds some positive changes. his mental need to please other people remains a persistent source of trouble for him (and others) but he seems to really let his body recover and lives a more nocturnal life. both kuro and kaoru mention that he looks more healthy (in succession match???? i think??) since he finally stopped enforcing a normal day/night cycle on his body just to comply with social norms. you can indeed be very human even if you break human-made rules.

(additional comment: "becoming human" is of course a theme for each of the eccentrics and not uniquely tied to disability, it very much has to do with the objectification one goes through as a public figure. but this is a post about disability and it really fits in well. so here we go)

Literally Just a Realistic Teenager. Ritsu

ritsu, while not really being among my favourite characters, is my favourite instance of a disabled character in enstars. partly because of his writing and partly because my personal experiences overlap with his so much it sometimes is painful - but always extremely satisfying. just had to get that out.

ritsu is perhaps the most visibly ill. he blacks out and sleeps where he stands, everywhere, without control and often requires other peoples (well, mostly maos) assistance in order to remain safe when this happens. he also repeated a year of school, specifically because of his disability.

he is painfully aware of this. that he looks ill, that he behaves ill, that he is an underachiever compared to others of the same age, even to people younger than him.

ritsu developed unique behaviours to deal with this: he is very dependent and clingy and often asks others to do things for him, unapologetically. that does not mean asking for help doesnt hurt his pride, just that it is the most viable strategy for everyday survival that he ended up with. other than that, he clings more to the vampire identity than rei does. either to defy his older brother or, and this is important imo, because it is the one safety net he has to fall back on that makes him feel "normal" and like he is a regular being. albeit not human. no matter how much others might blame him for his shortcomings or how much he is a failure in the eyes of society, he is very regular for a "vampire". under the logic developed by his family, he is just a child, and the world at large is to blame. it is an easier truth to accept than facing systematic injustice and prejudice in a human world.

the stories i mentioned in another part above aside, i really love what ensemble band does for him; ritsu gets extremely irritated with mao in the prologue, seemingly out of nowhere. his character is allowed to express this sort of anger and to take it out on others, even if it is unjust and misguided. it is not pretty and it isnt good behaviour but it is a very heartfelt emotion to me.

its obvious that he cannot compete with others and that this will always been seen as his personal fault instead of a circumstance he cannot influence. and more than that: no one appreciates the real efforts he makes. for instance, getting himself out of bed in time for classes is difficult for regular teenagers and straight up hellish for ritsu. but he manages to do so a lot later on. instead of acknowledging that this is a real accomplishment on his part and possibly really exhausting and bad for his comfort in the long run, this is seen as doing the bare minimum.

while it is not correct, the malice ritsu sometimes treats others with comes from an comprehensible place. able-bodied ignorance can appear as purposeful slights made by those more privileged than him.

yet he learns to conform. his friends are important to him. knights success is important to him. (thought mental health probably played a role here too and made things even harder prior to his third year of high school) and yet;

seven bridge, chapter 24, but its really just an example i had at hand

the remarks stay the same. his peers still cannot help but brand him as "just lazy", even if they are kind and understanding otherwise and habour no ill intent. so i would like to ask: how long can he keep this up? how hard is this on him?

i dont think i need to explain just how common and hurtful it is to be accused of "laziness". probably the single most irritating comment someone with fatigue will hear every single day.

however, on the flipside, ritsu has perhaps the most people who care for him in comparison with other characters, though they sometimes complain (communication is hard, care is hard, everyone in enstars is very young and i cannot bring myself to see those comments as malice. its a mixture of ignorance and ones own burdens) there is mao, obviously. tsumugi is a very funny example. knights, of course, in particular naru. (at least based on my humble knights readings)

quite interesting how he just decided mao is his caretaker, now and in the future. i shared a few of my thoughts on caretaking here. this is.... a huge responsibility to just put on someones shoulders, to say the least. he shouldnt be doing this but i think it speaks for itself that this is a problem that is on his mind. ITS IS A REALLY IMPORTANT TOPIC TO BRING UP, especially since, the younger you are, the harder it is to get insurance to pay for your care. yes, he is often just teasing mao, but ritsu is looking for ways to get through life. by learning to be as independent as possible, whenever possible. though often you really just find yourself at the mercy of friends and family.

Inter-Sibling Violence

apologies, i will be done with the sakumas soon. i didnt know how to fit this in at the start.

the relationship between rei and ritsu, as people with the same disability who experiences different symptoms and challenges, is worth thinking about. infighting within people of the same disability is very common since experiences can be so different, there are no universal truths or opinions. with different lifestyles come different expectations for what is "normal" and sometimes pressure and social norms can cause someone to shift blame onto others who have no achieved the same things in life.

rei and ritsu are said to have been very close as small children and likely depended on each other a lot. i can see how reis fostering nature and ritsus needy nature developed alongside each other and enforced each other.

time and time again, rei says that he is a "less severe" case, that ritsu has it worse. he jets around the world because he feels forced to do so, when ritsu just wanted emotional support from him to begin with. ritsu stayed alone at home, sheltered and likely caged by their families convictions. but! i want to suggest the following: as much as it hurt him, it was important for reis health to be away from his family, too. i dont think staying there would have been good for him. his absence and the experiences he made away from home were an important catalyst for the positive family development we see in operetta.

of course, rei means well. he cares. he is trying to have a positive impact. yet from ritsus point of view, all of this must feel terribly condescending, especially with how much rei babies him. there is just one year between them. this is barely anything when it comes to sibling inferiority complexes the brain can make up. rei, who is successful and famous and beloved and, most importantly, proclaims to have it "easier than him", is trying to find a cure for him. from ritsus point of view this must be unbearable. their lives are so different when they basically started at the very same point of origin.

more than that, rei shoulders the sketchy blood rituals himself, out of love of course, but if one was more jaded, one could assume he doesnt think ritsu would be able to stomach the responsibility.

you will always compare yourself to your siblings in unhealthy ways but ritsu is just doing this on hard mode, i fear.

HHHRAGAHHHH GHHH ghgghrhgh. Niki

nikis writing is... driving me up a wall sometimes, to say the least. dont get me wrong, i love him. to an extend i understand that his single-mindedness and shallowless has purpose to it. in fact, i adore these character traits. he really seems to be behind four mental barriers at all times, unable to let deeper thoughts touch him, lest they make him succumb to despair. (yet nikis specific flavour of menhera cannot quite shine since... well, he has to stand next to himeru all the time)

the descriptions we get of nikis illness are nonsensical, at least to my knowledge. you could imagine he has something like hyperthyroidism. this never really gets explored though. at some point ENGstars mentions he has "gastroptosis or whatever" (the "or whatever" is part of his dialogue - niki really doesnt give a fuck), which makes no sense at all. weirdly enough, it would even be strangely in character if this was just a misconception.

so, can anyone take niki to a doctor? has this happened and i just wasnt there for it? there is no excuse why no one is considering medical care when it comes to him. except that he often is the butt monkey of jokes the writers want to make and has to stay available for it. more than that; his parents just left him alone like this? as a child? did he get an allowance at least? this cannot be legal, right? i wait for the day this comes up as a topic but i fear it is in vain. (please tell me if it actually did. i dont follow niki that closely) this is an unbelievable thing to do to a healthy child, yet alone one with a severe illness. we are basically looking at denial of assistance.

so many things surrounding nikis story are designed to make him as miserable as possible. i cannot help but feel that he exists purely as comic relief, for funny bickering, and superficial drama. i dont really like that at all, his misery just gets exploited.

EVEN SO... his self-image is actually really fascinating. as rinne likes to point out again and again, niki has no self-worth. he works two jobs, one of which he hates, he constantly gets into dangerous situations, and he will do anything just for some crumbs, and quickly forgets when others treat him badly. and of course, the worst bit:

es!! main story, please dont make me go find it

to some degree, he just accepts this as something he deserves. there is no consideration for his own quality of life, somewhere along the lines it seems like he got conviced just surviving is all he gets. he internalized self-degredation to a dangerous degree and i never see anyone mention this mental affliction specifically as a comorbidity of his disability. to me, there is without a doubt a relation here. sure, maybe he would still fight with this otherwise, just because he had to witness his fathers fall from grace as a child and knows there is a stigma attached to his name now. but i think you can tell it is more than that, from the way he is ashamed to beg (even in a life or death scenario, as seen in hot limit), as if his condition was his own fault.

this circles back to the point i made earlier for eichi; how much nikis life is worth, is measured in his economical value.

of the characters i have spoken of so far, nikis is financially the most accurate to real life. there is no safety net for him, no convenient family wealth.

(at this point it feels important to mention that somehow rinne manages to be the only person entirely aware of the danger and desires to change nikis mindset, YET he is a huge strain on nikis health. i dont know how those two function.)

Just a Lamb. Tatsumi

tatsumis specific trauma is a unique one: while most other characters struggle with conditions they were born with or developed as they grew up, tatsumis injury is the result of strain and violence. those are two different pairs of shoes, though the outcome may be similar. whether it is worse to be born into circumstances you cannot escape or to have to live with having something thrust upon you unfairly is up to personal judgement. pain is not really quantifiable. its just important to keep in mind, i think. under the circumstances tatsumi grew up in, he has his own burdens. it is very easy in many ways to compare and contrast him with eichi. of course this applies to how they used their bodies too: as an expandable resource. they had ideals for their school life (and beyond) that just seemed far more important and they both ended up in hospital because of this. (+ we know tatsumis surroundings were purposefully manipulated to destroy him)

and, of course, tatsumi got attacked later on. he never really talks about it directly but his legs seem to talk for him, in ways.

the story does not quite make it clear whether his occasional weakness and pain are the result of old injuries or entirely psychosomantic, and i dont think there is a real need to know, as a reader. in fact, in a certain light, i think it can be considered good that we dont know for certain: it would be relevant for tatsumi himself, sure, since it would influence which kinds of treatments and help he can seek out. however, i think the ambiguity may foster a certain level of sympathy in readers.

often psychosomatic problems are not taken seriously enough in real life: they cannot be proven physically and they dont fit into the neat little boxes that the ICD wants you to believe exist, so they cannot be defined on paper or easily explained to doctors or insurance providers.

to foster empathy with his situation requires his character to be lovable and for the narrative to treat him with care as well. which is thankfully the case. alkaloid are dear with him and, despite the fact he cannot perform in his work enviroment all the time, he is very respected for his other skills. he is a well-rounded person.

all that aside. it is absolutely worth to mention tatsumi pre-injury, too. he came up with a form of small-scale universal income among a semi-union at school. without getting too much into all that. (obbligato really seems like required lecture in the realm of enstars stories) the entire concept strives for social equality and is extremely anti-discrimination. it fundamentally goes against the idea that someone needs to "deserve" care, and is the opposite of the mindset i described with eichi and niki above. he never had to make first-hand experiences with disability to be extremely compassionate. this seems really rare among people in real life, even those who preach altruism.

While we are Here. K.... Kaname

as mentioned, i spoke a little about kaname before. so i wont get into the complex of caregiving.

it is extremely satisfying we got to meet kaname, if only for one event story. he does not have to remain a faceless motivation behind himeru and tatsumis lives, he thankfully became humanized.

the entire conflict around kaname at the moment is a matter of bodily autonomy. how much of your person can be in anothers hand, ethically? there is no excuse for the theft of his (idol) identity through himeru but the damage is done now. ideally, you dont want any part of yourself to depend on others but the disabled reality is that this is very often impossible. especially for kaname. there simply is no one else who could be responsible for him right now and, to be fair, at least when it comes to medical care, himeru seems to behave very responsibly.

repeating what has been said in the other post but i am worried for kanames seemingly inevitable reintroduction to the story. he has been in a comatose state for a year. if he wakes (since this is fiction, it is possible to exchange 'if' for 'when', realistically it really would be an 'if' though) he would most likely be confronted with permanent neurological and physical damage and years of rehabilitation. at least logically. (not to mention the psychological shock) would this be written with compassion and a sense of realism? it makes for a compelling source of conflict and emotional hardships that could be extremely worthwhile to explore. i just cant entirely bring myself to trust the writers with this one but i would love to be convinced otherwise.

that is, of course, if they dont somehow just skip rehabilitation entirely and declare it a miracle healing.....

imo, the in-game discourse between characters is just as important as his future development. i just really hope autonomy and recovery will be large topics.

He doesnt go here, but. Adonis

so bringing him up just really feels necessary within the context of this post because of his interests. one of adonis hobbies is sign language and accessibility.

this is, i think, maybe the best thing they ever did with his "protector" persona. it just fits so well, it is a direct conversion of ideals to actions. knowing undead songs have been translated for a deaf audience in canon is extremely wholesome and uplifting, even if it is entirely inconsequential for the story and just something that gets mentioned.

(now that sandstorm is out on engstars, you can check that out too for further mentions of this! if i could wish for one thing, it would be for the stories to acknowledge that there are tons of independent sign languages and i would love to know which one adonis and rei speak... you ever think about how adonis speaks like four languages fluently. at least.)

nightless city live, chapter 3

everyone in undead loved that and supported the vision. to see koga, who is usually against anything but musical performances and wishes to express art freely, praise the idea really puts deaf identity and accessibility in a great light. it is a very positively radical forwardthinking idea.

so, i just wanted to mention that. adonis is treated horribly by the narrative a lot, it entirely fails to grasp his identity and is insensitive towards foreign cultures, but i would die for him i think.

finishing thoughts

like mentioned, please absolutely let me know if you have different related ideas or recommendations. or corrections, or worries over something i wrote!!! learning and improving is always great. i am sorry i could not get into so many other characters, the ones i wrote about are those that i feel confident enough to comment on. in the future i would love to meet maguro!! i just havent really read any mama stories at all :'''3

i feel like i barely said anything at all and barely engaged with text enough since i didnt get into any character specifically. i would love to write another post about ritsu or rei or both. a draft for it has been sitting around for ages (as did the draft for this post, lol) but i hope someone will find an interesting thought in here somewhere.

all in all, enstars is actually... surprisingly nice to read for the disability in there??? even if it is disappointing in handling many other things. of course, the writings not always ideal (i read hidden beast just the other day and the ableism in there took years off my life) but often its really nice. nothing hits quite like seeing real emotions and experiences through some metaphorical stylized anime lense, you feel.

anyway thank you for listening. i am actually for real done now.

[kaeyapilled]

hey! your kaeya takes are so real!!! I was wondering if you had any good fic recs?? I want to read something that has good kaeya characterization (+bonus if it's ragbros that isn't just them crying and hugging it out like you were talking about) and am tired of scrolling through tags

!! omg thank you im so honored to hear that people like my takes lol

fic recs huh!! i have some!! do you mind it if most of them are about child kaeya? (i hadnt realized how many of my bookmarks focused on his childhood until i went through them all lmao) hopefully it isnt all stuff youve already read before! here goes:

A Horse Makes for a Stable Life by FollowerofMercy – Wanting to test the boundaries of his host’s goodwill, Kaeya asks for a pony for his birthday. He didn’t expect Crepus to deliver. Or, the story in which things get uncomfortably real for young Kaeya.

do you like kaeya and crepus interactions!! because this fic explores their dynamic in suuuuch a nice way that felt very refreshing to see portrayed!! perfect ratio of hurt to comfort in my opinion. overall quite lighthearted compared to my other recs though lol. good exploration of kaeyas inner conflict since a young age. yeah i love it and recommend it

I'm gonna miss your love when it's gone by imaginarypasta – A selection of scenes from Kaeya's childhood related to his relationships with his fathers, and all they have led him to be.

this one is so good!!!! i feel like its rare to see kaeyas biological father portrayed as anything other than a heartless asshole, and this fic explored kaeyas relationship with him in such a nice manner that makes for a very melancholic and. i guess bittersweet story that takes into consideration the nuance of the situation in a way that i really dont see super often. the parts about kaeyas relationship w crepus are also really well done i love it. oh and the khaenri'ah lore the author takes some liberty with is really really interesting!!

not bad for a walk on death's doorstep by b_attery – Fear is a knife’s edge. Fear is a killer. Fear is how you know you’re still alive.

my bookmark of this work said "literally the best kaeya character study ive ever read" and honestly i still stand by that. the word flow is great and the exploration of fear as such an intrinsic part of kaeya's life and as the driving force for most of his actions and feelings and responses. it's so good!!! this one contemplates kaeyas childhood both before and after his arrival in mondstadt and goes until after diluc's return. absolutely recommend it!!

Hundred-Watt Light by pepperjuice – A story about ten years of contingency plans and holding your own hand. (Because how else are you supposed to live with a weight too big to hold all alone?)

this. this rewired my brain forever. this holds the title of best kaeya character study ever along with the previous one i talked about. definitely mind the tags because it primarily deals with suicidal ideation and thoughts so, if that's a trigger then it's best to not read this one lol but still it is SO good and it explores kaeya's inner conflicts and awful coping mechanisms after having such a heavy burden thrusted upon him at an extremely early age with no good support of any kind. i absolutely love this fic it's very dear to me and i think about it sooo often it truly altered my brain chemistry

things fall apart by kernsing – Happy eighteenth, Diluc.

finally some ragbros content! sadly it isnt the reconciliation you asked for it's about when things fell apart. this is one of my favorite ever renditions of how it all went down on That Day - it reshaped some of my own headcanons, actually. this one is more from diluc's pov than kaeya's, and it's written really really well, and explores diluc's grief over his father's death in SUCH an amazing and interesting way!! and the way it parallels kaeya's own emotions and that is exactly what causes them to fight is extremely tasty i loved it. read it it's good

okay i can probably find some more but this is enough for one post i think. deeply sorry for not delivering the good ragbros reconciliation content.. i tbh haven't gathered a lot.. but i hope you and whoever else reads this enjoys these! thank you for the ask <3

[bookduck14]

HEARTSTOPPER SEASON 2!!!

I need to rant so here is one about each main character.

Issac: I AM SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Alice portrayed being aroace so well and I almost cried when he met the aroace art guy. AND THE WHOLE ROMANCE SUFFOCATING THING WHEN YOU KNOW YOU AREN'T GETTING THAT!!!!!! Also seeing more of his character and really fell in love with it It made my aroace heart so happy (I could go on lol)

Nick: I really related to him this season with his coming out struggles and wanting to come out but also not. Alice yet again exceeded expectations and perfectly showed how the queer teenage experience is! I love how much he helped charlie this season and his amazing development from season 1. He was just amazing in every way.

Charlie: His story was a lot this season in the best way. His story with his mental health really spoke to me and I related to it. This was exactly how is feels to struggle with your mental health. I loved seeing him get more comfortable, realize what he deserves and Im happy that he told ben and harry to fuck off. also I love how he was there for tao and nick and how he supported nick so much in his coming out and made sure not to pressure him and he truly won the best boyfriend award for that. Also the way he made sure to help tao and be his best friend their friendship rocked this season. Another amazing character

Ben: I fucking hate him and what he did to imogen and charlie he deserves to go die in a hole.

Imogen: I loved her so much this season!!!!!!!! I have to admit that I was a bit iffy about her in season 1 but she stood up for herself, made real friends and she was just amazing this whole season I also really love her dynamic with everyone.

Naomi and Felix: They both really helped elle find out who she was and what she wanted to pursue and I'd like to see them join the paris squad in the future!

Elle: Her character developed so much this season, you could see how much more confident she was getting and I loved seeing her pursue her interests and truly find herself and get together with tao! They are so good for each other and I think they will really come through for each other in the future and will be each other's rocks through it all.

Tao: My guy really likes elle and treats her like a queen. She is his everything and its so cute, He tried too hard at first but when he was himself he was at this best. I also loved him and charlie this season they are the best best friends and the lock thing was so cute.

Tara: She cares so much, She takes care of every single one of her friends and supported darcy in every way she could. Their relationship really took off this season, I liked seeing their ups and downs and them persevering through it all!

Darcy: Alice definitely used her character to portray the dark side of being a queer teen. I liked seeing her being shown as having two different sides and her not wanting to talk about her home struggles and presenting as this happy person. I really relate to that. She was great and I hope she gets the support she needs soon!

Sarhar: I'm sensing something between her and Imogen and I really like it! She was a great character!

Christian, Otis and Sai: I liked seeing nick with his supportive rugby guys and they were great!

David: He sucked so much of course. He is a homophobic piece of shit and he can fuck off.

Tori: She was great and really stood up for her brother and I loved all her scenes with at the Nelson-Spring dinner! she was iconic as always

Nellie: I LOVE NELLIE SO MUCH

Sarah (Nicks mom): SHE IS SO AMAZING AND ALWAYS SUPPORTS NICK!

Nicks Dad: He can go die in a fucking hole.

Also lets talk about the soundtrack? IT WAS SO GOOD! Mxtoons Mona Lisa, FALL IN LOVE WITH A GIRL BY CAVETOWN the colors of you throwback, CRUSH CULTURE AND PEOPLE WATCHING!! THE PROM SONG!!! It was all so good upgeicydgsilew8ugg623yuiqp18j

Alice oseman did an amazing job this season and it couldnt have been better!!!!!!! I loved how she included all the iconic scenes from the book too :) They are the best author/ screenwriter and she is jist the best!

I loved this season so much and I will rewatch it frequently! 10/10!!!!!!!!

[littencloud9]

Can I ask your top 10 fav fics ever (from any fandom, if you don't mind)?

Also, just curious, is there a story behind your name "littencloud9 "?

oooh! GREAT QUESTION i’m gonna rec my beautiful clever amazing mutuals’ fics obviously. and some others. i mainly read jjk and bsd fics so that’s probably all this list will have haha 😭

(also littencloud9 comes from my fav pokémon litten, + cloud9 was TECHNICALLY inspired by the song cloud 9 by beach bunny! but it’s a cute phrase so i stuck them together LOL)

in no particular order,

—> sun comes streaming through the window (& i can't sleep anymore) by @that-was-anticlimactic

| bsd, gen, teen and up, ~21k, kenji & ada

| good morning to one of my fav fics EVER. i have never sobbed so hard reading something. corey is the queen of kenji fics and this one is no exception i LOVE how the dynamics with kenji and the rest were portrayed and how much of a family they were 🥹🫶 (i also love her other fics.. the kunichuu ones and the pyramid ones especially you guys should check them out 🔪)

—> though i burn, how could i fall? by @zukkaoru

| bsd, gen, teen and up, 8.6k, kunikidazai + kunikida & ranpo

| HFHSGDHSS. i am always obsessed with grace’s kunikida characterisation. ada president kunikida is something that can be so personal. and i love that he had people helping him through the stress even when he pushed them away. TEARS. (also check out their other fics she has lots lots and i really like the tachigin, aku siblings, and kunichuuzai ones 🫶)

—> we can plant a memory garden by @ryuvnosuke

| bsd gen, mature, 4.2k, kunikida & yosano (during the great war)

| sorry not sorry for continuously reccing gen fics in this ship-focused fandom. anyway HELLO?? the set-up of this fic is already so so interesting, and i adored yosano’s character here!! and the description of.. pretty much everything, was super chilling. it was such a fantastic read 🫶 (i also adore ela’s tachigin fics and sskk fics too. she gets akutagawa like no one else)

—> reading between the lines by @spliqi

| bsd, m/m, teen and up, 12.3k, shin soukoku

| did you guys know that im spliqi’s biggest fan actually. their sskk characterisation is legit my favourite thing EVER i am always cackling when reading her fics. this one is my fav especially because of how ridiculously stupid yet clever they are. and how they cannot confess like normal people. highly recommend!! 🤍

—> baby, drive slow by zonnie

| jjk, m/m, mature, 15.8k, itafushi

| i am a SUCKER for roadtrip AUs. this fic was so so fun and i loved yuuji the greenest flag ever. i also love zonnie’s other itfs works! also megumi and nobara’s dynamic in their fics are the best thing ever i am obsessed 💗💗

—> quiet quitting is easy when your boss has already held your funeral and you’re technically still legally dead by @gothicakvtagawa

| bsd, m/m, teen and up, 24.5k, shin soukoku

| the sskk writers in this fandom truly get it. this fic was SUCH a great ride, and i loved that other character’s povs (kunikida, sigma, chuuya etc) were explored! i always love post-canon fics so this was such a treat. and fukuzawa father of the YEAR award in this fic. overall lovely lovely fic, amazing characterisation, and fun flow!! (their other sskk fics are also GEMS check those out)

—> and all i loved, i loved alone by featherx

| bsd, m/m, mature, 121.6k, ranpoe

| i always wonder how user featherx is doing after dropping this BOMB of a fic. it explores poe’s life from the start and i LOVED EVERY SECOND. the descriptions of how his ability feels, meeting new people, meeting karl, meeting the guild members, his relationship with ranpo and so on. exploration of sexuality too. overall this fic reads like the bsd poe wikipedia to me because of how on point everything feels. LOVE it

—> i hope i die first by @amythecinnabunny

| bsd, m/m, teen and up, major character death, 28.7k, shin soukoku

| yeah… this fic sent me into spirals. i sobbed so hard i had to take bathroom breaks. the epilogue was truly the cherry on top. if you wanna break your heart this fic is for you (also love her other fics! esp the higuchi & the sheep series, and the babysitting series!)

—> here and where you are by cityboys

| jjk, m/m + gen, teen and up, 17.3k, itafushi + jjk first years trio

| okay. i cry pretty easily reading things. but this one. ohhhhh my god. this one legit had me ugly crying for a whole hour. this one destroyed me. megumi is my pookie we know this so reading this HEARTWRENCHING fic from his pov was just. ouuuugh. basically yuuji’s memories are erased and he goes back to being a normal boy. but megumi and nobara remember him. enough said. please read this i was genuinely devastated

—> hey son, i killed your daddy by missingnooo

| jjk, gen + m/m, teen and up, 5.6k, gojo & megumi (+ satosugu and itafushi)

| THIS FIC!!! gojo and megumi are surprisingly underrated in this fandom which is crazy cause they’re literally related guys. but this was an emotional rollercoaster and i was hooked every second. gojo’s character felt very true to the story idk how to explain it but it was amazing. i cried. highly recommend

-

THATS 10!! i only dared to tag my mutuals aksjfksbd but heres my fic recs. thank you for the ask! <33

[clementinegreye]

clementinegreye's masterlist and navigation station:

REQUESTS: OPEN!

you can make requests or simply come chat to me; here

💌 criminal minds:

🍋 aaron hotchner

the sweetest sin of all || 3.4k

the sweetest sin of all (part 2) || 2.6k

who'd have thought aaron hotchner was a man so consumed by longing (lightly inspiredin the midst of investigating a serial killer who chooses victims based on the seven deadly sins, aaron hotchner finds himself entangled in more than just the case (inspired by hozier's new song 'too sweet'):

more coming soon!

🌷spencer reid

safer dreams || 2.3k

it's not easy to keep someone safe in your nightmares, something Spencer knows all too well.

false god || 1.2k

it's never a good idea to reminisce about a relationship, especially one that ended with betrayal left you with a permanent scar

some stuff about me and my writing below the line:

about me: hi! my name’s soph, im 23 and an aquarius.

some quick fire facts about me; i’m a cat person, i have a chronic illness, get anxious a lot and my favourite show is criminal minds (in case you couldn’t tell), im trying to get back into reading this year, i have an abnormal amount of jellycats (yes the soft toys) and i love fruit (all fruit)! 🍋‍🟩🍓🍒🍊

i’ve been writing since i was 15 and i’ve been posting my work for a few years now, albeit under different blogs and i post some of my stories on Ao3, which i’ll link below.

writing/requests notes and guidelines:

i currently only write for criminal minds. i’m happy to write angst, fluff, hurt/comfort etc. just be specific in the ask what you’d like and i can try accommodate it!

i use she/her pronouns and therefore feel comfortable writing from that perspective (or gender neutral.m). i’m hesitant to write male!reader as i don’t want to inaccurately portray something i have no experience with.

as a guideline i definitely won’t write anything containing rape, incest or child abuse, non-consensual sex or anything including minors or those underage. i am also hesitant to write abusive situations.

i’ve never written smut but if the topic came up i guess i could give it a go. i would just have to be comfortable with the context and the setting. if you’re request it and i don’t write it, i’m probably not comfortable with it. 🌷☁️🐚

my requests are OPEN and right now and i’ll write for any criminal minds character (i’m most used to writing for spencer and hotch, but i’ll give anything a try) if you want to request something or even just come have a chat and get to know me better my inbox is always open!

i always appreciate feedback and comments, likes and reblog also! but if you just fancy reading something go ahead, there’s no pressure on this blog to interact, it’s always appreciated but i know how i sometimes interact with things on tumblr so i understand. 🌟

note: i do not support AI or using AI to write, i’ve been practicing writing for many years and i think it’s a shame to use it and it feels like it undervalues the hard work people put in to writing. while AI might be a useful tool for some things my writing does NOT include it and my writing is my own. (i do use grammarly to check my spelling because i can be a silly goose and miss things because i edit all my fics myself but that’s it). my works are only posted here on this blog and on Ao3, if you see them somewhere else please let me know. 🩷

you can also find my work here on Ao3:

[capturecharlesau]

Hey I know we don’t talk much but aaa the urge ti send a ask is just killing me

sorry if it’s nonsense, it’s 3:30am at the start of writing this lol

your art is fucking amazing, I wish I could draw like you. It expresses the emotions wonderfully without feeling out of place in the darker moments. Art style wise, you’re like my idol. I just want to fucking nom on it and shake it

your story is beautiful, honestly one of my favorite THSC AUs. It conveys darker themes without feeling too disconnected from the original series. I mean, even I struggle to make my AU actually seem like a AU. I really like Terrence as well, even though he’s still a bad guy he stands out much more then the other evil Terrys I typically see

the character designs are super original, and they work nicely. Honestly I have a problem finding the differences between everyone’s designs for Charles and Reginald, but I can always easily spot you. Personally design wise, Terrence and Charles are my favorites

I thought I wouldn’t like Danny, but I really do. I feel bad for what I originally thought. I want to hug him goddamnit! He’s such a pretty guy, and he gets bonus points for being bigender since I basically never see rep for them sadly

your comic made me realize 1. how abusive I really was to my ex, and 2. how abusive others were to me. I don’t wanna go into details (since I don’t want to make you uncomfortable), but your comic really did help me

I can’t wait to see what you do next with the story! (and I’m sorry if I ever creeped you out)

@candikin Bro…. Im am so fucking HAPPY ON THIS ASK YOU GAVE ME! THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I LOVE THESE TYPES OF ASKS!! IM YOUR IDOL!? OOH THANK YOU IM HAPPY YOU ACTUALLY LIKE MY STUFF!! :D

If there’s something I really LOVE it’s the way I do emotions!!! I LOVE MAKING FACES WITH THSC CHARACTERS AAAAAH!!! THANK YOU THE DARKER MOMENTS FEEL IN PLACE WITH THE EXPRESSIONS AAAH!!

Thank you for loving my story SO MUCH!! I try to relate THSC stuff to it as well so it doesn’t feel out of place! MSNENDJDJDMDN THIS IS YOUR FAVORITE AU!? IM SHAKING THANK YOU I POUR MY SOUL AND DARK FEELINGS INTO IT! THANK YOU! I’m so happy many people like my AU aaah!!

Ahhh yes Terrence Suave! When I saw that frame of him in ITA and after a few fanfics I saw him as pure evil! >:D The thing that makes my Terrence stand out is that my Terry is honestly a DEMON! He is literally pure evil and loves blood, pain, and seeing men, women, and children suffer a slow and painful death! Basically I portray him as satan himself from hell with his snake like behavior!

Terrence Suave a literal traumatic man who suffered abuse who then realized he has no purpose on the world other then to abuse Reginald and KILL AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND KILL THE HUMAN RACE as an all mighty snake demon!

The point is ….my Terrence is PURE evil! My Terrence is a pure black heart 🖤 filled with anger, sadness, and trauma!

AH THANK YOU! Coming up with the designs for the characters were easy after using my imagination a bit with some music! Aaaaah GLAD YA LIKE EM!!

AWWEEE MY REGINALD AND CHARLES STAND OUT!!!??? AAW THANK YOU! I think people can notice my character since my versions tend to look more anxious! Like this:

(Plus Reginald has his giant scar Terrence gave him!)

OH IM HAPPY YOU LIKE MY TERRENCE AND CHARLES DESIGNS!!! OOOH!

For Terry since he has his golden gun I always assumed his suit would be bright yellow and yellow glow-y eyes and a yellow dollar sign pin and a orange-yellowish tie! And of course…..blonde hair lol

Charles I always liked the white military outfit with a black tie hehe and I added some red eyes and some cute stickers on his headphones!

AWW HEHDJDKWBWHSJDHETHANK YOU FOR THINKING MY DANNY BOY IS A SWEET PRETTY GUY!! AAWW HE IS!! IT’S OK I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! BUT HE HAS HIS REASONS! AAAH IM SO HAPPY YOU LIKE HIM NOW DANNY WILL GIVE YOU A SWEET PINK HEART!! 💕

Aahhh yes! He is bi-gender and I’m so happy I can help represent some people and help them feel more comfortable :3

No worries pal it’s all good! I know my comic is VERY dark with abuse and how it affects others in a bit of a dramatic way but you see what I mean!

I’m so happy your safe and you made that step to change! That immediately makes you WAY better then Terrence who decided to not listen!

Thank you so much for this ask OH MY GOSH IT MADE MY DAY THANK YOU! HUGS AND KISSES!

Give credit at @bluetorchsky and @jaytoons7 and @smoresthehalloweenqueen for helping me with making character development as weelllll 💕

[mourninglamby]

its actually cool to see people dissect minecraft roleplay like this, like to me yeah it was just a block game but the dark subjects matters just intertwined in a way that made it very... strange? i guess?

i feel like to really get it you have to have a certian amount of respect for the story and medium but also scorn of it, like i have sooo many problems with how things went in a million different ways, but i also think that when it worked it worked wonders. so its interesting to me for someone to dig deeper then the surface and really see it for what it was objectively

i hate that its attatched to the minecraft youtuber fandom in general because for the majority of time i was wathcing I was soley in it for a story, I dont think i even checked out a non story realated stream until like... june of that year

and i hate dream but like you said him being there and playing such a character just ads to the levels of weirdness and rawness

c!tommy got me through a dark dark time in my life, esp exile. I dealth with abuseful neglect and manipulation all my life, and i was in deep bouts of depression when those streams were coming out. but literally seeing a character portray such a raw and ugly realality of those things and yet still get back up again was comforting and cathartic

to me it was the colaboration between actor and audience that really made it unlike anything else, and also what really led to its destruction. but im glad it was there when i needed it

This is well said anon and I’m so sorry you went through something like that. Dsmp found me at a very terrifying time in my life in regards to trauma. I don’t want to get into it just as I’m sure you don’t either, but when youve been a victim of abuse, you gain a perspective that nobody else has. Your mind is permanently altered. We see things that might not be as easy to detect let alone digest for those who havent experienced that reality. or even people who are currently working through that trauma who don’t understand how to deal with it or approach it yet. And that’s not good nor bad. It just is.

I think it’s. Hard. It’s very hard to talk about. And it’s by design! I definitely agree some of the performances were amazing but with very little consideration for what to do next or how to conclude those arcs, things got messy quickly and I think they relied on their dogmatic rabid fans to deflect any serious criticism of that. And I expected them to! I expect people who tread dangerously to know what they’re doing, but they didn’t know what they were doing. That became clear to me very quickly.

And ya it is still very important to me as well… I have never seen myself in another victim in fiction quite as well as I have c!tommy. And I have found so many like minded people that I cherish and love so much. I just got back from hanging out with someone who I got close with online during dsmp! So as disgusting and scary as the community was, yes, I am also very glad it was here when I needed it. Because I needed it.

I hope we can all continue to heal from these experiences and move on to make/consume kinder art together 🌈💫💗

(Oh also I didnt/don’t(it’s complicated) care about the real people either. I actually was so detached I believed dsmp was all they did! It’s crazy how much of a second thought a lot of this was in hindsight. Which is both infuriating and worrying)

[doomsdaydicecascader]

hey, could you go into more detail with what you mean with ‘being precious’ with characters. im curious and i like your writing a lot <3

i think it's difficult to express without it reading as just "mary sue" critique, you know. tvtropes bullshit. but it is kind of a thing that occupies the same space. and atop that, it's a thing that's a little bit difficult to express without context but i think there are three pretty meaningful examples of a character being made worse by the author from which you are smart enough to discern what i mean

the thing which ties them together is this: you are meant to come out of their story with an affection for the character that rivals the author's care for them - the author wants you to feel as much for this character as they do, but is afraid of portraying the character in flawed or even grounded ways, when the character's flaws or ways in which they are a grounded character tend to be what makes them relateable or worth caring about.

example number one is albus dumbledore. the end of harry potter is genuinely one of the worst things i've ever read, even before the terf shit, and this is best expressed through the way characters around him act - he is always right, except when he's wrong, but the ways in which he's wrong are okay because the character archetype that he turns out to be in the last book before he dies is "guy who makes the hard decisions because nobody else will", winston churchill guy. and naturally, jk rowling adores him so much that she made him the protagonist of her flop three-movie pentology even though there was a better protagonist right there with newt. he is a character who is thoroughly adored by the author in a way that ruins the story.

example number two is johnny, from the room. tommy wiseau is by no means a great artist, but i think a lot of people resent analyzing the room as art because it is so obviously bad and i think that takes away from its most compelling fact. johnny is characterized as too good for this world, as though the world itself was closing in on him, ready to take him out. his future wife is cheating with his best friend, lying about him being an abuser to her friends, his boss doesnt give him his promotion for no reason, his mother in law would put aside her cancer diagnosis to further tear apart her daughters marriage, and through this, johnny does nothing wrong. he was always too good for this sinful world. he is a character who is thoroughly adored by the author in a way that ruins the story.

example number three, as mentioned in that last ask, is lin manuel miranda's portrayal of alexander hamilton, which kind of combines the both of the previous examples. throughout hamilton, alexander hamilton is repeatedly portrayed as a tortured artist, a guy who writes like he's running out of time, a guy whose writing is so powerful that he could have meaningfully changed the world, if he were not also, a dipshit idiot who got shot in a duel. and hamilton is interesting, because the story itself bends over backwards to imagine new outs for him. when his wife, who is so upset by his actions that she exempts herself from being in the writings from which hamilton was based, something i am to believe is made up whole cloth for hamilton, the story itself goes out of its way to say "what if the stuff that his wife destroyed would have redeemed him" when the answer is, probably not, he was a shithead, but lin manuel miranda can't help but ask, "what if hamilton was actually just like me fr, a misunderstood dude who just wanted to make great art", he is a character who is thoroughly adored by the author in a way that ruins the story.

i dont really want to use the term "mary sue" or whatever because it is pretty loaded, and honestly, if the story you're telling justifies this feeling, i tend to really enjoy characters who really are just flawless, characters who the authors love and want you to love too. but theyre character studies - half blood prince and deathly hallows are almost entirely about dumbledore and his relationship to the cast, and it's the worst shit i've ever read. the room would be so unbelievably forgettable without johnny. and hamilton is hamilton.

and its the kind of thing i found myself prone to doing too - that kind of feverish, "he would not fucking say that" behavior about a character who would definitely, absolutely do that. i felt this way for a while about jane in post-canon, and i still kind of think post-canon jane deserved a better arc, to make a tragedy out of her existence, but that is a desire i have because i care a lot about jane crocker, you know?

[gunpowder-arti]

actually yknow what. tumblr gets the arti rant

partially copypasted from something i said a while back. on discord

first and foremost, know this: i Do Not Like fanon arti. ofc no hate to anyone who does, or who writes them more sympathetic, but. alright, first of all, i think i need to bring up the fact that they're the Only slugcat who is consistently, broadly hc'd as female?? which is. nothing wrong with reading them as such (hell, the dating sim writes them that way) but. considering that their whole Story has to do with Parenthood and all that it's kind of. a little bit ehhh to me that they're the Only one.

and then there's. right. i find that the broad interpretation of them is largely sympathetic, which i am Not a fan of. i've seen people who interpret them as not killing people but,, that is clearly not the intention of their campaign. i very much interpret the scavs as sapient and tbh i feel like if you interpret them as Just Animals that is kind of. willful denial of canon at best but that's a whole other thing that i will Not go off about right now

uhh, either way. their actions, as portrayed in canon, were unjustified and unjustifiable. like, i call them a war criminal because um. that is what collective punishment is !! i just. they are a hypocritical mass-murdering war criminal and that is part of what makes them so compelling to me. once again no hate to anyone who reads them as sympathetic but it's. ehh. like rain world is ofc heavily up to interpretation but it reads kind of as,, people justifying their actions because they're a player character?? i guess. and im not saying Arti Likers are Problematique™ hell i like them!! but i like them as a mass-murdering war criminal and the fanon good arti is. boring, almost, to me. also iirc it's also kind of implied that they're the reason we don't see elite scavs again until Saint's time [or ever it's been a while] which has pretty bad implications as to the scale of their rampage and. i don't even know if this makes sense but

i would say arti is the most villainous character in rain world, as I see it--they killed on purpose, many times over. theyre awful and shitty and violent and horribly species-ist and a genocidal murder and they are so so fascinating and yet . the fucking fanon is just 'scary girlboss and/or sadgirl mother' and im not even going to lie it's so fucking boring. let women be villainous

look it's all up to interpretation ofc ofc but . i do find certain interpretations to be in poor taste, or at least just... uninteresting !! and fucking . also i genuinely Hate 'arti adopts pebbles' for a few reasons. mostly the above but also a couple other things which i will Not go off about today but. anyways the mortifying ordeal of loving a character but hating the popular fanon more than words can express

ALL THAT BEING SAID please i implore you not to go after anyone on my behalf. or to start discourse about this. this post is not meant to target anyone in particular or even to be taken all that seriously i just . got 6 hours of sleep last night have not eaten in a bit and have perpetually pissed off disease

[cere-mon-ials]

2022 in kdramas

*that I finished

I spent my January nursing all that The Red Sleeve broke (my heart), nourishing what it gave me (provocation to write, notes here), cursing what it did for my overall k-drama viewing expectations. I am still mad that Lee Se-young wasn’t recognised for what she did in TRS, a show that belongs to Deok-im and her alone. I had finished Good Manager a day before, a long-winded bromance between Namkoong Min and Lee Jun-ho. I didn’t think much and truth be told, I don’t remember much either. Happiness fell flat after three episodes; stayed for the remaining episodes because of the excellent chemistry between the main characters. I evidently watched Coffee Prince many years too late but I saw every reason why I might have never finished school if I had seen it earlier.

Run On kept me thrilled on occasion, became white noise otherwise. I loved seeing my two joys, running and translation, woven into the show, loved the miracle of found friendships and homes, and a defiant writing philosophy that healthy relationships are worthy of being probed. Despite how unbearable Our Beloved Summer was about Ji-woong’s unrequited love, I could see the good-naturedness of the story writer-nim was trying to tell. I loved watching why the two leads fell apart and what brought them together. I loved that this had something to do with communication but I loved even more, that it just had to do with having grown up and realising you can love something you’re not and that’s one way to experience life. Kairos is the most underappreciated show that tackles time-travel. Great writing with exceptional attention to detail.

February was spent with the duology of the Ahn Pan-seok—Kim Eun—Jung Hae-in universe, the k-drama equivalent of Austenian bliss. Both shows benefit from Kim Eun’s thesis that romance may be intimate but love, in a patriarchy, demands a public that must accept it. Ahn Pan-seok is the finest orchestrator of moments that feel like the time lapse that falling in love is, that thing that people often reduce to soulmatism or violins at first glance. In One Spring Night, it works. In Something in the Rain, it fails because Kim Eun was still finding her voice as a writer who is stumped by what makes for the ‘right’ kind of conflicts in a 16-episode arc. I don’t think that’s the only problem with SITR but it’s the one she solved with marvelous elegance in OSN. In both shows, the main leads are charmingly, refreshingly communicative with each other. But it is in OSN, where Kim Eun figures out that being vulnerable is not the same as talking about vulnerable things, and how to make it count for all relationships that matter. Son Ye-jin and Han Ji-min, I love you both equally.

In March, I began paying an honorarium to the guard of my Jang Hyuk horny jail. Deep-rooted Tree made me cry in at least 14/24 episodes. A Joseon murder mystery wrapped in a drama about accessible language as the beginning to breaking down class barriers and nation-building, with nerdy love for character interiority? I ate that up. Han Seok-kyu is the only reel King Sejong ever. Just like Jang Hyuk is the only reel Bang Won ever. My Country: The New Age is a shallow show with hilarously lofty dialogues and masterful action sequences. In my most generous reading, MCTNA attempted to ask if Bang Won’s modernity could have come at a lesser price; is modernity not equivalent to audacity? Woo Do-hwan is almost as good at portraying audacity as Jang Hyuk.

Having Park Eun-bin and Kim Min-jae play Brahms in a riveting duet is exactly what Do You Like Brahms? set out to do. Introverts are rarely done well on the screen and getting it right with not one, but two leads is an achievement too. If you are a person fuelled by that mystical "passion," the creative arts industry can be a cruel place. Chae Song-ah is, by all accounts, not as talented as the others around her, and this is not a story of stick-with-it-till-you-rise-from-the-ashes. Even the hope that it might be is wonderful writing because Song-ah is far more assertive than anybody gives her credit for, like a baby who holds onto your finger with shocking strength. In classical music especially, there is no such thing: you are good or you are out. Park Joon-young is great and yet, he is begging for an out, because being good is just the beginning. These two and the other characters are deeply in love with music and they want to protect that love. They all find out that in the end that love needs sustenance, not protection.

I binged Fated to Love You in April, in a private experiment to see how much Jang Hyuk brainrot I can take. (Let’s remember this is a summary of the shows I finished.) I came out of it with brainrot for one more Jang. Outrageous show, outrageous star power. Soundtrack No. 1 was a forgettable experience save for the fact that I am now a person who looks up Park Hyung-sik’s MDL page on the reg. I think everybody is right about Twenty-Five Twenty-One: (a) Baek Ye-jin and Na Hee-do were always going to break up (b) It was a terribly-conceived finale. Two other opinions I am going to leave here: (c) Ji Seung-wan, darling of my heart, should have been the lead for the show that writer-nim actually wanted to do. (d) More people would see this, and also may have responded with thoughts beyond ship discourse, if Na Hee-do was played by anyone other than Kim Tae-ri.

I think people were right about criticising Lee Soo-yeon’s Grid too. The science of time-travel took some leniency. I get why the finale would have been unsatisfying, even as a setup for a potential second season. But I offer that the thesis of LSY’s shows is never in how they end, because they are not moral science lessons for the future. Grid’s deeply introspective themes of time-travel and the greater good begins with the the sun, the most reliable force in a human's life, turning against mankind. This immediately takes away a human as ultimate antagonist, when it easily could have been. For LSY, the future is the darkest place with unknowable power and we have the task of paving a path of light towards it. Time-travel is not the science-fiction component with which to imagine our behaviour in an unrecognisable, but possible, place. It’s the fucking fantasy. Even if we got the chance to change the past, we really couldn't. The future is what we have got to change and the present to make the first move. Those dreams of going back, repenting hard enough, flirting with what ifs? Not going to cut it. LSY's meta elegance is in bringing the intensely personal version of this theme in parallel to the big one: divorce. FWIW, she had all these threads tie together by Episode 7. I get why she said Grid is the next iteration of her life's work—an exceptional mind.

Park Min-young could have chemistry with a rock, and thank god, Seo Kang-joon isn’t one. When The Weather Is Fine is the rightest show about life in the countryside. It nails the fine line of a tight-knit community that shows up for you and also, how easily they can be the first source of judgement, as people who know your secrets. Best book club in a k-drama. Very well done pining. Imo is my favourite character and she should publish that novel because “Hey. Who do you think killed my brother-in-law?” is a banger opening line. I first saw Lee Jae-wook in this show.

During the weekends of April and May, there was My Liberation Notes. I watched it like a scheduled therapy session, although I do not think Park Hae-young is aiming for catharsis with her works (despite it seeming like the most common outcome). I didn’t have the word “healing” in my everyday vocabulary so often before k-dramas. It’s a genre of k-drama that is meant to be comforting, to inject slowness into everyday life as an antidote for the ills of modern society. Bullshit. There are multiple wide shots of the Yeom family tending their farms, eating in peace amid the greenery, and they are claustrophobic. It might feel like complaints, and you’re free to think that. But PHY knows, as most people my generation do, finding an escape is actually really easy. That’s not the point. The point is to be less sad about being who you are; to know that who you are is enough to make a living, find love if you want it, make peace with your family. This show is about siblings as the real loves of your lives.

I don’t remember what I was doing in June.

Pachinko is not a k-drama strictly speaking, but let’s do it. I adore Min Jin Lee and I am afraid to admit how emotionally attached I am to the world of Kogonada’s eyes. In MJL's book, the linear structure is meant to make you feel like the history of a family can also be a history of the other themes that consume intellectual space. In the show, there is no such thing as a past, or a history. Nothing is done, nothing is over and under the rug. You see Sun-ja’s and Solomon’s stories at the same time because there's no distance that makes what happened then far enough from what's happening now. For this alone, Pachinko is a superior adaptation. I have a shrine for every woman in this show. Watching Yumi’s Cells 2 has been among the happiest experiences of my TV viewing life. Bloody Heart could have been bloodier. I respected that it reached a conclusion without feeling the need to give a neat answer to its central question of assertive power as driver of both unity and chaos—there’s humility in realising that the answer need not be determined in one generation. Jang Hyuk thirst got me into the show, Kang Hanna’s outstanding face and smarts kept me there. Lee Joon’s Lee Tae nearly made me quit. Park Ji-yeon, muah. I watched the back half of Signal in July. It is no fault of the show that I was zapped out of will to see women being killed. There were two scenes of Kim Hye-soo’s that wrecked me bad, I had to quit watching for couple of days. Thank you to the makers for giving a genre-defining template. (Kairos did do it better.)

Alchemy of Souls was super fun as a weekly watch. Daeho is boring to me as a setting and the plot ventures into territories worthy of critical thought once in a blue moon. But I admire the ambition, and the storytelling does have its moments. Lee Jae-wook is a menace. Inhaled Rookie Historian Goo Hae-ryung over four days; I enjoyed it. Extraordinary Attorney Woo tried. I also binged Reply 1997. Reply 1988 is always going to be my favourite and I am not going to watch R1994 for a conclusive test of veracity.

Between these shows, their endearing efforts at being fulfilling shows about love of different kinds, I nibbled on episodes of My Mister. I couldn’t watch two episodes together; it was so potent, so unbelievably demanding of my attention in every way imaginable, and I gave it willingly. I wrote about the show here.

October brought the best mystery/thriller show of the year: May It Please The Court. It was written with a clear idea of how much to bite, knew how to chew on it, and that’s why it also landed the best conclusion of the year. The show is astute about forgiveness and justice, and well, forgiveness in justice. I think the show’s success is in how it trusted both its characters and the audience to process what this means to them. Jung Ryeo-won and Lee Kyu-hyung have impeccable married energy from first scene. Lee Sang-hee is the best, the hottest, the finest.

Little Women is the mystery/thriller show with the most potential of the year. It wasn’t until episode 11 that the show lost me but I do think the flaws began revealing themselves a lot earlier. I didn’t appreciate the show’s insistence that the central crime of the show was Sang-ah’s murders and not the patriarchal cult that pretends to be a meritocracy. I thought the Vietnam War references were in conversation for a whole different reason: I viewed it as a nod to the first war where losing means more than winning. That war is the blueprint for the 21st century exertion of control for the right to capital and target audience, rather than mere territory and pride. But this symbolism wasn’t what came through and I understand those who pushed back on how the war's references, along with an exotic flower, rang hollow. LW did get characterisation right, particularly the way poverty alters how intelligence is perceived and valued. It’s ambitious premise—that Louisa May Alcott was wrong in deciding these sisters would taper their poverty with unusual politeness—is radical.

I will rewatch the first 11 episodes of May I Help You in several trying days of my future. Baek Dong-joo and Kim Tae-hee, butlers to the dead and the alive respectively, are companions, friends and lovers, in that order. What's not to love? The acts asked of them are rarely grand but they are delivered with emotional heft. I forgive all the detours taken from episode 12. I tend to find it dull when everybody and everything is connected to each other. In this one's ending, it's quite lovely. I see the vision in saying that we only know Dong-joo’s story because that’s the story we have tuned into. The miracles could be happening to anyone at all. I wish writer-nim wasn’t so Christian throughout—the throwaway line about suicide put me off. Best piggy-backing scenes in a rom-com and also, favourite kiss, I am going to say.

[natsmagi]

am i the only one who feels like forcing a nuclear family dynamic onto switch is like seriously infantilizing to sora. he and natsume are literally like one year apart .. and him being as strongly autistic coded makes it more uncomfortable tbh

oh no i totally get that! i do think there are instances where people really water sora down to simply being a "child" which really sucks. im someone whos autistic myself so i also understand the discomfort that comes with this

i will say though i feel the issue is less "viewing switch as a family where sora is their kid" and more "viewing sora AS a kid" because hes approaching 18 years old himself now. itd be gross to continue infantilizing him

i feel like the reason this happens so often though is because in the text itself sora gets coddled alot by natsume and tsumugi. natsume sometimes outright being written like an overbearing parent to sora. but i dont think this is the writers infantilizing him either. rather i think this is the writers trying to create parallels in the story

natsume is someone who hates being coddled and seen as a child and weak, yet after the war he was left with just that. feeling like a weak child who couldnt do anything and was protected by his niisans, but still left all alone by himself. and then the next year starts and he runs into sora again. we dont know how this encounter really went, all we know is sora felt alone and like an outcast and was taken in by natsume and tsumugi. i think when natsume saw sora like this he couldnt help but see himself in him. seeing that weak child he himself was (esp since when natsume was an actual kid he would also speak in third person like sora) and i think this was what triggered him to basically devote himself to protecting sora. not wanting what happened to natsume to happen to him either. but he failed to realize that, while his actions are out of nothing but love, hes doing the very thing he hated when people did to him. sora loves natsume more than anything of course and doesnt seem to mind too much, but even sora has stated numerous times that hes not a kid and doesnt wish to be viewed as one. and iirc didnt tsumugi also once say natsumes "refusal to let sora grow up" was a cruel thing to do to sora or something to that effect?

i feel like people see natsumes (and in turn charas like the oddballs) treatment of sora and view it very surface level. they see him coddle sora and in turn wish to do so too! but in doing so it overlooks WHY natsume is doing this and the complexities of it all, and in turn leads to sora being infantilized

what i wanna say is i dont think theres anything wrong with portraying switch as a family. i dont think theres anything wrong with viewing sora as a cute little guy! but when you start viewing him as an incompetent child who needs guidance and cant do anything on his own without natsume or tsumugi is when it starts getting really gross. i dont think we should shame people for how they find joy in switchs relationship with one another, but i wish we wouldnt reduce them to roles and tropes. theyre complex characters ! hes not a kid hes his own person !!