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jaketsparrow · 1 year

Text

Tending Part 4!

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x f! Reader

Word Count: 9.7K

A/N: That last chapter was… a lot. A little change of pace this time :) I’m so very sorry this took so long, but I was captivated with one of my other 8 million hobbies.

A special shout out to @gvfpal for being an amazing person and helping me with this chapter! 🫶

MINORS DNI

MENTIONS OF/ TW: Soft Jake (I’m sorry), fluffy stuff, fingering (F! Receiving), swearing, sexually explicit content, teasing/edging, *some* angst :)

MASTERPOST

It's hard to tell when the morning comes. The blackout curtains in the room offer no indication of the time. Your naked body still rests between the maroon sheets; cozied between the layers. You turned yourself away from him during the night; he chose a better spooning position that almost made you jump on him. He was so close, pressing himself into you with slow thrusts. If only his boxer briefs hadn’t been there…

You turn yourself to face Jake… Except… Like always- he’s not there. A sigh escapes your disappointed lips.

Why is he always gone?

You wish just one time you could wake up next to him and surprise him with your own sort of morning treat. You wish you could feel more than just the nights with him. Would that be asking for too much intimacy? Too much too soon?

Maybe for him, but for you it was all you wanted. Sexual intimacy can be enough, but knowing someone like Jake, he was always going to leave you wanting more. This was a fun game to him, knowing you’d get worked up and upset by his absence. He was right of course, but you wish for once you’d have all the cards.

After last night you finally thought you had turned into something worth his time. But in reality, Jake wouldn’t change that quickly, he just needed to do enough for you to forgive him. You fell for it and would continue to. He was your addiction, and you would continue being strung out for his attention.

Jake’s house was the perfect blend of clean but disorganized. You imagined this space is exactly how the inside of his brain looked. Every surface was clean, but stacks of information and knick-knacks pile on bookshelves, and musical paraphernalia was placed everywhere. It was not messy, but actually strategic and logically arranged artifacts.

The house opens directly into the mellow-vibed living room. The area is occupied by a luxurious and worn brown leather couch and an orange cloth armchair. The floor has been covered in a dusty blue rug that sat underneath the wooden coffee table, which was covered in sheet music. The opposite wall had a modestly sized TV and next to it a large stereo system. Speakers litter the floor around a turntable, and vinyls sit in a crate directly next to it. The walls house several different vintage posters; some movies, and some travel. All with muted color palettes of earth tones.

There were no overhead lights in use, but rather a few soft lamps that provided an ambient glow to the space. A perfect cozy retreat… An artist’s cave.

Nothing in the room matched each other, but it all fit seamlessly. Like an amalgamation of collected objects that he just had to have in his life. It was like he ran into an antique store and had to grab everything in sight as quick as he could.

Jake ushered you further into the room, gently nudging you with his hand on your hip. Your eyes continue to wander the space, taking in every inch, trying to absorb every moment. This brief glimpse into Jake’s life is rare, and you spare no time trying to analyze it all.

For the past week, you tried not to think about Jake. It was hard to imagine him not in your life, even though he had only been a presence for a short time.

That’s the thing about obsessions, you rely on them to be there constantly. You can obsess over a band, you can also obsess over a favorite TV show or a celebrity, and the best part about it- they’re always there. You can always find them. With Jake, he was an obsession that could never really be yours. You would have to chase down any information out of him. It was practically an interrogation with him, playing good cop bad cop to try and fish anything personal out.

He was your new addiction. It was sad to say that you could become addicted to someone like him, but it was easy to miss him. Every moment you wish would have lasted a little longer, every time you woke up hoping he was there with you, every shift you hoped he would be there. He was the strongest drug you’ve ever tried. You relied on his praise, on him noticing you. It was maybe unhealthy, but the need you had for him felt justified.

Everything felt worth it in that moment. Being allowed into his home was like stepping into a new form of intimacy. The dark and mysterious Jake wasn’t as mysterious as he used to be. He was opening his world to you. It was like walking out of a dark room and into day glow. It felt like finally finding that stupid puzzle piece you searched hours for, that you finally found and could place.

Today sitting in the field was the most romantic moment of your life, even if you were dragged there against your will. It made the possibility of you two seem real. You didn’t want to feel hopeful just yet, but the companionship you felt today did nothing but warm you.

You decide it would probably be best to say something instead of being in your usual silent shock, “Wow… Jake, this is a… really nice space…”

He squeezes your hip and blushes at your compliment.

“Thanks, uh… like yours, my personality kinda just took over.” He abandons your side and walks over to the turntable in the corner of the room. He leans down to the box of vinyls; sifting through a few before turning back to you. He tucks the hair that falls in front of his eyes, “What do you like to listen to?”

“Um… Anything really,” You take a few steps further into the living room to try and get a better look at his collection. Pushing forward slightly, tucking your hands behind you to distract them from awkwardly moving about. You don’t recognize much of the music in the case; of course, he wouldn’t be the kind to collect anything too popular. It looks like a collection of old blues, rock, and well really the classics.

Jake finally settles on what looks like a blues album and pulls the record from its sleeve. The jacket is old and tattered, well used most likely or second hand. He slowly lowers it to the turntable and starts it on a low volume. The crackles of the vinyl start and the first song echoes softly across the decorated walls. He takes a step back and rests his hands on his hips, admiring his choice.

Jake has this look of pure accomplishment, like he just couldn’t stand how proud he was. It was honestly adorable. A huge smirk is creeping over him and his eyes are excited and wide.

He stares at the spinning music for a moment, before turning his gaze back to you. You feel so awkward standing there in his home. Before, he had only been in your space, a comfortable option. But now you werre in his home, taking possibly the biggest step you two had taken yet.

It still feels out of place for you to be somewhere with him other than the bar. The past couple of months that was the only place you were even able to see him. There were no outside events between you two, no mutual friends to visit, no one went out for drinks after work because you had already been drinking. Before that first night, Jake was like an enigma, only appearing behind the bar when called.

That one night together changed everything. You saw the full range of Jake’s emotions in just a short time, and you saw your full range of feelings for Jake. There was no denying that you’ve already suffered the worst of your relationship already, and just hoped for more moments like this. Discovering and unearthing the man you knew he could be.

“Do you recognize it yet?” He asks.

“What? The song?”

“Yeah!” He grabs your hand and brings you closer to the record player. He squats down and turns up the volume with a slight crank. He points to his ear, “Listen…”

You lean down to get a better look at the sleeve and hear the rhythm better. The melody does sound familiar, but you can’t place where you heard it. You tap your fingers over your thigh, trying to feel the beat. The artist nor album rings any bells, but you can’t place why you remember the song…

Until it hits you.

“Oh! Your band!” You exclaim, “This is the song you guys opened with at the bar!”

He smiles at your realization. He can finally trust that you have good ears. Jake lifts himself from his low position and grabs your hands to bring you up with him. He reaches for your waist and pulls you in.

“Yeah…” He gazes at your eyes and smirks at you, “This is one of our favorites.”

He has a different feeling than usual, his aura is warm and comforting. All the rough edges that you thought about this past week were smoothing out in front of your eyes. Its like he’s sculpting a new version of his personality for only you to see.

You reach your hands out to wrap them around his neck, draping yourself over him. He returns the favor by reaching up the back of your shirt, caressing you closer against his body.

These were the things you had missed most. Feeling special to him. His touch was warm… Gentle. He wanted you to feel cared for in that moment. He couldn’t bear to keep any verbal apologies going, but these soft gestures were enough to make you whole. It was like he was tending to your wounds.

You felt like you finally were allowed to have some control over what happened between you. He wanted you. At least that’s what he said…

The flattery of knowing that he chose you over Mariella did something. You knew Mariella would have been anyone else’s first choice. She was a beautiful woman but lacked something compared to you. You try not to compare yourself to her, because right now, there was no need to.

“Dance with me?” You ask.

Jake laughs softly and shakes his head, “No, no. I don’t dance.”

“C’mon!” You plead, you’re so giddy to get him to cave, “It's the least you can do to make this week up for me,”

He throws his head back, laughing again.

You reach your hands further back to hold his head in your hands; gently running your fingers through his scalp. His hair is soft between you, freshly washed, silky even. He purrs softly at your petting. He also craved this softness, but he would deny it.

He lowers his head back down to look at you, smirking. His big brown eyes completely melt you every time you get to look this closely at them. It’s like that night in the bar all over again, back to a sense of normalcy. Joking and playing with each other, trying your best to awkwardly flirt.

Jake is so handsome tonight, you think to yourself. When is he ever not though? He was quite possibly the most attractive man you’ve ever seen, with intrusive tendencies that make your heart go wild, which might not be the best. There is no such thing as perfection, you remind yourself. He was going to try his best, and you would try yours to be patient with him.

“Maybe another time,” He answers, “Just listen to the music.”

You giggle at him and move your hands back down around his shoulders. They’re strong and sure. He’s at the perfect height that you don’t have to lift yourself too high to rest on him. You lay your head in the center of his chest, molding yourself to his body. You can hear his heartbeat gently beating. Oh, thank god, you had worried maybe he didn’t have one.

“I don’t listen with my ears,” You whisper

You use what little force you carry and gently sway him between your arms. Rocking your hips back and forth. He tries his hardest to fight your movements, but you can tell he wants to give in. Soon, he subdues his fighting, and leans into the swing. Shuffling his feet tightly; lightly stepping around yours.

You try your best to be sultry and coy, “I like to feel the music and do what it tells me,”

He lets out a faint chuckle and gives in further to your swaying. You rock back and forth across the floor, each step moving you further into the room. You try to help him lead the way, but ultimately take control of the movements.

He lets you take control in this moment; finally letting you show him how to be gentle. He rests the edge of his jaw against the top of your head, nuzzling into your mane. You wished maybe you had time to shower before he picked you up, but you’re sure the dry shampoo you use smells just fine.

Being close to him like this is pure bliss. Butterflies stir in your stomach, each one fluttering with the excitement of this new start. Each spot where you meet each other sparks with the heat of passion. It was like a scene from a movie, how silly.

Like the couple who just moved into their first apartment, and theres absolutely nothing set up yet except their record player that they unpacked first. The man walks over to the record player and puts on ‘their song’ and the woman can’t help but blush. He reaches his arm out to her, inviting her to be with him. She raises herself off the floor and swoops into his arms. The two of them moving about the empty apartment floors, unwinding after the long moving day. The stress of it all meant nothing to them though, because all they needed was already unpacked… Each other.

You wanted that with Jake. A familiarity. Your song. Which you suppose could be this song. You imagine your future together, wishful thinking. Life would be filled with movie moments, and you hoped he would be the star in each one.

You look over to the nightstand and see a glass of water sitting on a coaster. The fresh condensation drips down the side of the glass.

Did he put this out for you? He actually had a caring thought before he left and brought you a glass of water…?

You gather yourself up to reach for the glass and take a few cautious sips. The cold drink slides down your dry, rather exhausted throat. It quenches your thirst and instantly pulls you into an awake state.

Instead of his striking body lying next to you, there sits a lump. You lift your head slightly off the pillow to examine the objects to your side. It's a pile of folded clothes- your folded clothes. Not all of them though, just your sweatpants, your thong, and… a new item?

You reach over to the new t-shirt and pull it out from under the sweatpants. It's a white cotton shirt, soft and well-worn. You bring it to your face and inhale the fabric’s scent… It's Jake’s shirt. No doubt his gift is an apology for ripping yours last night. He would never apologize with his words over such behavior, but the gesture is still as nice.

You pull the sheets off of your body and begin to dress yourself on the mattress, starting with your gifted shirt. You want every second to smell like Jake, especially when he’s not there with you. Next the sweatpants, until you’re finally in your completely lazy outfit again; this time with an extra piece to your ensemble.

You slide your legs off of the mattress and touch your feet down to the cold wood floor. That truly is the most sobering part of getting up. You hesitate fully getting out of bed and choose to admire the room just a little longer. Last night presented no opportunities to survey the room. There was nowhere to look but him.

Jake’s room truly is as mysterious as he is. Dark, closed off, and has an air of calm and refreshing easement. There’s a vintage, timeless touch to his design. You wouldn’t expect him to put this much effort into his home, but it's clear that he carries a sense of pride in his spaces.

The room is quite vast, but caves in with the decor. The tall mahogany bedroom set is clunky in the space but fits well with the vibe. Under the bed sits a beautiful black rug with subtle detailing carved into the yarn. The nightstands are ornate; detailed with wood carvings along the edges. The corner of the room has another orange chair, different than the living rooms, it’s more cozy and comforting. A bookshelf sits next to it, with autobiographies of artists, historical pieces, and of course, classics.

There are a few different light sources in the room, but no overhead lights; he must have a distaste for them. The lamps are covered in cloth shades, adding a dull glow to the room. You wonder what it would look like if it were brightly lit and could see every detail around you.

There’s no TV in his room. Clearly, he hasn’t yet given in fully to modernity. You imagine his nights here alone, playing guitar, sitting in this room. Moving about the house like a shrouded figure of moodiness, taking in the space step by step. You imagine him lying in bed, staring at the objects that stack on each surface. There is nowhere for your eyes to rest; every little knick-knack is an object worth wondering about and admiring. These objects fill up his space, where a person has not.

You snap out of your snooping stare and make your way out of the bed.

Figuring Jake has left the house, you try your best to tidy up after yourself. You pull the sheets back into their rightful place, bringing each layer up into a tight spread. The bed has been erased of both of you, of your acts, of your…

“Look what you did pretty girl,” He whispers in your ear.

Ugh.

You creep towards the bedroom door, remembering the rest of your items wait for you in the living room. Your phone and shoes were simply an afterthought last night.

Jake takes his hand and reaches up to the back of your neck, gently wrapping his fingers up into the base of your scalp. His touch relaxes you; it heals you. After the anger and pain of this past week, you knew you needed some release. The tension that had built up from all the uncertainty was vanishing.

His other hand slides and relaxes across your back, embracing you. It’s hard not to notice the bulge growing between the two of you. You’re so tight against him, feeling him press himself into you, almost needing to be sure that you know of its presence.

The song tapers to the end and a new one begins. You nudge your head up, and Jake lifts to meet you. The contours of your noses barely touch each other. The desire sits heavily between you; your breath is the only thing separating you from him.

He brings his hands down to sit across the band of your sweatpants. It’s fucking devious how horny he can get you in a matter of moments. Feeling him with you, knowing all is forgiven, leaves little room for hesitation. You reach your lips up to meet his, but he pulls away from you.

Devastated, you pull back to look up into his eyes, “Jake, I need you.”

“Not here.” He whispers.

“Yes, here.” You beg back to him. Reaching your hands to hold his face, pawing at him to let you continue.

He runs his hands down over your ass, palming his hands on you. They move past your curves and reach underneath your thighs. In one swift lift, you find your legs around his hips, enclosed against his torso.

You bring your head to his ear, gently kissing the brim of his pierced lobes. He takes a few small steps towards the hallway, having to pace himself through heavy whining breaths.

“I said not here…” He repeats.

You continue to tease him, peppering his neck and profile with soft pecks. The warmth in your core is starting to take you over. A frenzy of lust cradles between the two of you. The soft pressure of the spreading hold he has you in makes you wish you weren’t separated by your clothes.

“I’ve been thinking about all the things you’re going to do to me,” you whisper.

He continues down the hallway, choosing to ignore your statement, wanting to follow through with his mission. You are completely unaware of where in his house you are being brought to. Most likely, his bedroom; it was going to be the ultimate insight into Jake’s mind.

Your nuzzled state into his neck left you limited vision to stare at your surroundings, but you were more concerned with the man holding you than the objects in his house.

Your moaning had become louder too, sounding like a starved animal, ready for a feast you’ve been waiting a week for.

“I need you,” You purr into his ear.

“Don’t worry pretty girl, I’ll give you everything you need.”

He backs himself to the door of the bedroom and leans to open it.

The room has a soft glow, although there isn’t much light present in the room. There are a few fixtures emitting an orange light, just enough brightness to outline the shape of the room.

“I want you in here,” He says.

He shuffles the both of you slowly over to the bed, bringing his knee to the edge of the mattress and slowly lowering you down into the center. Your head just barely rests on the pillow, and the comforter around you consumes your boundaries. Jake’s body hovers over you, his hair falling on the sides of his face, shrouding him slightly. His knee still rests between your legs, splitting yourself around him. The way he looks at you at this moment isn’t full of the usual fire and lust, it’s more caring; almost loving…

“Jake…” You mutter through hushed lips.

He sweeps your hair away from your cheek and leaves his hand there for a moment. You both have a habit of lingering.

“Tonight,” He leans in close, kissing the edge of your jaw, “I want to show you how special you are. Give you everything you deserve.”

“I want to be the only girl you remember,” You snap.

Some strange form of lingering jealousy that you almost regret. Here he is trying to make up for the behavior, showing you kindness, and yet you still let the bratty personality wash over you. You can’t help it. Being in his presence makes you this way. You’re trained to respond to him the way he’s wanted it previously. As much as he may deny it, he loves it when you fight back.

He lets out a disappointed ‘tsk’ in your ear, and backs himself from your face. “I need you to be a good girl for me tonight… My good girl.” He cups the side of your cheek and looks down on you in a stern and endearing manner. Those words ring through you ‘my good girl’. You were his, finally. Even if there were no official relationship titles, you were his. His plaything, his girl, the one he chose. You weren’t expecting such sweet words to be the kind of thing to turn you on this much, but you find yourself writhing underneath him.

“I can be good.”

“I know you can, sunshine.”

You swing the door open and stroll into the hallway, taking your time to walk through. Seeing Jake’s home in the daylight is a completely different vibe than the night. The whole house is brighter, letting in diffused light from the shades.

The artwork in this hallway is different than the living room. It’s not even artwork really, it's concert posters. You stop to admire the biggest one hanging by the bedroom door. It's a gig poster with his band written in small letters under some other local bands. The colorful squiggles and designs resemble a 70’s music poster. There are streaks of orange, purple, and yellow cascading underneath the lettering. It's nicer than the usual band posters you see posted up at the bar. It’s bright, eye-catching, and honestly pretty.

How cute, you think to yourself. It's nice to see he’s proud of his band.

You turn to head back down the hallway towards the living room, but pause when you hear whispers. Voices speaking on the other side of the wall in the living room. You can make out Jake’s voice, but there’s another male voice with his. The two sound comfortable talking together, like old friends… Maybe he has a roommate that he didn’t tell you about?

Well, that would be awkward considering how loud you both had been last night.

You stand there stuck at the edge of the hallway, unsure of whether or not to take a step further and introduce yourself into the situation. Did he want you to stay back, hidden away? Was this a private moment amongst men? An after-hook-up catch-up?

Let’s be honest, men don’t do that like this.

The confusing limbo of the moment pushes you to just take a step, and try to creep past as silently as possible. Maybe you can get Jake’s attention. You take your first step, successfully staying quiet, but the second step screws you. As soon as your foot presses into the hardwood, a loud creek echoes below you.

“Is someone here?” The unfamiliar voice asks.

Shit.

He leans back down into you and enters your mouth. His tongue lapping over yours. Both of you are too concerned to stop for air, kissing each other over and over; trying to make up for the time that was lost. Tasting each other ferociously, like you were trying to practically inhale each other.

Without hesitation, a hand is reaching up to your breast. You’d completely forgotten that you weren’t wearing a bra when you left the house earlier. Granted, you hadn’t really worn a bra in days.

“I have been looking at these all fucking night,” Jake mutters through breaking breaths. He pulls away from your entanglement and lays his tongue across your jaw, licking up to the crest of your ear, “Such a fucking naughty girl leaving like this. You wanted to tease me, huh?”

You let out a guilty sigh, taking accountability for your teasing.

His hands run over your already sensitive nipples, toying with them between his fingers. Rolling the buds over the pads of his fingers.

Being here in his control again is invigorating. Just thinking about being so close to him again sends shivers of lust through your needing body.

He releases you from his tease and reaches up underneath your shirt to the collar. He yanks forward, pulling you close to him. The sound of cloth ripping alarms you both, breaking the intimacy for a moment.

The collar had stretched and snapped from his tight grasp, a tear present where stitches used to be. A look of apology flashes over Jake’s eyes. The moment is entirely unsettling to him, but for you, it just made you hornier. Knowing how strong he is… He actually ripped your clothes off of your body.

You laugh, allowing him to be rid of any true guilt, and lift the shirt over your head.

“It had to come off anyways,” You throw the shirt to the end of the bed, not breaking your eye contact with Jake, “Plus, it was kind of hot.”

“Maybe you need some new shirts,” He jokes.

He places one hand around the crook of your neck, and the other at the soft point on your waist. You collide back into each other, pretending that the accident didn’t even happen. It’s unlike Jake to be so stunned by something like that; you’d think maybe he’d even done it before- on purpose.

You reach your hands under his shirt, lightly caressing his back. It feels so soft, smooth… Comforting. You’re not sure if he’s ever let you be this cuddly with him, and it might never happen again, so you try your best to make the most of it. Reaching up over every inch of his body, trying to feel every muscle, every warm inch of his skin.

Your hands move to the front of him, nudging at his shirt.

“So, should I rip yours now?” You ask, teasing him.

“You better shut up before I have to make you,” He says through a smirk.

He balances his legs beside yours and leans back to take off his shirt. You can’t help but blush to see him undress in front of you. He is truly the perfect specimen- the most beautiful man you’ve ever seen. His skin is golden in this light, god-like even. He has these soft formed muscles, not incredibly chiseled, but enough padding to know that there’s a real strength to him.

He perches back over you, inches away from your face. There is truly nothing keeping you from tearing back into him. His face seems gentler than ever before, caring and intimate. It’s incredibly hard to not want to step into your usual games, but feeling this new side of him is even more enticing. Instead of a feverish lust growing over you, it’s a soft blooming need to be close to him.

His brown eyes are deep and beautiful. His hair falls perfectly past his face, draping down in soft tangled curtains around him. And his lips… Look more inviting than they ever have to you.

He slopes down to your jaw and places caressing kisses along your skin, moving down to your neck. Each kiss is placed with more intent than the last, and then each one getting sloppier as it moves down your chest, around your breasts, and to your stomach. A growling excited moan comes from within him when he reaches your pant line.

Jake tugs his fingers on the elastic waistband, teasing you in the worst way possible.

All you’ve thought about since you’d first seen him today is how he looks going down on you. The sweat that perspires on his forehead, the grunting moans that he can’t hold back, his tight grab around your thighs. It’s what you need.

“I’ve missed this,” He tugs again slowly on the waistband, pulling it down just enough for him to see how wet you’ve already gotten in your thong, “Looks like you have too naughty girl.”

“Jake please,” You beg, “You know how bad I need you.”

He stops his pulling, and looks up to you, with a devious look plastered across his face.

“Why don’t you tell me how bad you need me?”

You rock your head back and whine to him, upset that he still can’t resist being a tease. You drop your eyes back down to look at him, staring intently.

“Jake… All I can fucking think about is you tasting me.” He continues to pull your pants off of you, “I keep thinking of that first night together. How special you made me feel…”

Your pants finally are strewn aside.

“Yeah?” He eggs on.

“It was honestly the best I’ve felt in a long time. No man has ever-”

The pad of his thumb is teasing your warming clit. Jake is resting by your knees, head propped up by his opposite hand, watching you feverishly try to beg.

“Go on.”

“No man has ever…” You look down to him, watching him slowly slip your thong down over your thighs, “Ever made me feel like that…” You lift your legs slightly to help him take them fully off of you, “And I need that again.”

With your thong to the side, he’s allowed the full sight of your needy cunt. You’re practically dripping before him. Just thinking of him devouring you is causing your body to fill with lust and desire.

“I want to try something with you,” He states. Your body instantly tenses up. You sit up and look at him, puzzled. “Don’t worry, nothing bad… I just think it will help.”

He crawls up to meet you and sits you up. You prop yourself up, completely in awe of how he couldn’t have picked a worse time to stop the momentum. You were so close to being attached to him again, but he has to keep you waiting.

“C’mere,” He says, wiggling himself behind you. He yanks at your hips and pulls them back to meet his. You feel something else pressing into your lower back, practically twitching with excitement. You try not to put your full weight back into him to protect him.

He snuggles his arms under you, running his hands around your body, still careful to avoid the areas you need him most. Soft whining moans escape your lips, you can’t hold them back at all; your body is aching having to wait.

“Can you show me how you play with yourself again?” He asks.

You lean your head back into his collarbone and look up to him. A serious yet cunning smile is already waiting for you.

“Jake, I thought you were going to take care of me?”

“I am sunshine. Just do what I ask… Please.”

The last part seemed painful for him. It was unlike Jake to use manners in the bedroom, but because of his politeness, you obey.

You reach down to your deprived clit, and start to swirl the pads of your fingers over yourself. Feeling some sort of touch, even if it was your own, made it clear to you that it wouldn’t take very long to get you anywhere. You try to be easy on yourself, not allowing yourself to get too far without feeling him.

Your back arches away from him and desperate moans break free.

“Please Jake, sir… Please.”

“You don’t have to call me that tonight sunshine. You’re my good girl tonight.”

He truly must not know how much the praise is killing you, or he does, in which case he is truly vile.

His hands still move unhurried around your torso. Each pass of him over you is breaking you down, pushing you further to a release in your own hands. Kissing and licking are happening on your neck, a nice distraction to what you’re feeling below.

“Jake…” You moan.

Your body is heaving from your touch. Feeling the soft skin run over your fingers, shooting waves of excitement down your legs. Your breath begins to hitch and you can feel the building begin.

Before you realize what is happening, Jake’s fingers enter you. He rests his chin on your shoulder to watch the mess you’re making. His fingers move in unison, gently running over your sensitive spot. It doesn’t take much movement for him to almost completely push you over the edge.

“Do you know why I wanted to do this?” He asks. You shake your head, unable to talk in fear that it may exert too much energy. “I can see all of you from here, I can feel your body get closer, I can feel your pulse against me, I can hear every little moan…”His voice is beginning to fade. Your core grows tighter in preparation for the orgasm you’ve been waiting for. You can feel his cock growing against your back- each moan that you gush causes a jump within him.

“C’mon good girl, are you going to come for me?”

You moan loudly this time, hoping that no one else in this house- well maybe even the neighborhood, can hear the pornographic noises coming from you.

Your cunt is practically red hot, feeling the pressure of him touching you, nudging you to finish for him. You can feel the wave forming within you, growing stronger and stronger with each stroke of your hands. This build was like nothing before, it was intense, almost too much for your body. You feel the overstimulation crawling through you.

Soft distressed gasps echo in the room, but Jake doesn’t let up on his movements. His fingers are practically going right through you. It’s too much, you try to slow yourself, to hold his hand in an attempt to slow it all down.

“Keep going.” He commands.

You try to keep moving your hands, but the bracing movements are pushing your body into an unknown state. Jake takes his free hand and takes over for you, completely shrouding your frame with his arms.

You can’t help but just watch him artfully manipulate you. He knows what you like- what you need. He pushes his wrist into your lower stomach, holding you down in between him. The rush is sweeping you. Hearing him- feeling him, you couldn’t hold on any longer.

“Come for me, baby.”

It all happens faster than you can even process. A rush of euphoria washes over you, each muscle contracting from the ecstasy. A loud blissful wail accompanies the feelings. Your whole body tenses, wanting to crumple itself, but Jake removes himself from you and holds you back, trying to relax you. Your legs shake, your core tightens. You spill out on to the sheets, feeling each wave of the orgasm pulse out of you.

You crash back onto Jake, turning your head into his chest. You rest your eyes and nuzzle into him. He pets the hair out of your face and squeezes you gently between his arms.

“Look what you did pretty girl,” He whispers in your ear.

You open your eyes with apprehension, unsure of what you could have possibly done.

The comforter is completely soaked beneath you. There is more of you there than there has ever been. You jump up and stare at Jake, completely embarrassed.

“I-I I’m sorry I didn’t-”

“Are you seriously apologizing for that?” He says with an excited grin, “Do you realize that is the best outcome of this?”

You look up to him with your doe-eyes, still feeling unsure of how that even happened.

“I’ve never…”

He takes your chin into his hand, “That’s because I’m the only one that can make you feel this special sunshine.”

There’s no hiding your presence now. You look down at your lazily dressed body and try your best to lift your boobs up in the shirt. Walking around with no bra when it was just Jake would’ve been fine, but around an unknown man… probably best to try and seem somewhat modest. One quick shove upwards, and you move down the stairs. Each step lets out a pained creak in the floorboards.

You peek around the corner, like a timid child, and see Jake sitting on the sofa. Across from him is a curly-haired man with his back to you.

Jake seems cautious to invite you into the room but nods to allow you into the conversation. You take a step forward into the living room, letting your presence be known by the guest.

The other man turns around to face you, and instant confusion sets in. The man is eerily similar to Jake, other than the hair. It sits in a wide curly mohawk, barely dancing down the front of his head. He has a different glow than Jake, it’s brighter- more welcoming. Their faces have similar qualities, features, and even mannerisms. Maybe their brothers…

The suspected relative leans back into his shoulder to get a better look at you, staring at you harder than you are at him. His mouth slowly starts to open, admiring your confused and revealing stature.

You pull your arms up and cross them in front of your chest, trying to hide your breasts behind your forearms. The staring was flattering, but also… a lot. I guess you know how it feels now…

“Jakey…” He plays, not removing his eyes from yours, “Whose this?”

Well, Jake hasn’t been telling him about your sex life together, so that’s one positive. Or is it? Why didn’t Jake say anything? Why wouldn’t he tell his guest that he has someone else here? He could have turned him away and told him to come back later, but he didn’t.

You take a step forward to introduce yourself, “I’m-”

“She’s a friend, Josh…” Jake cuts you off and runs over to your side. He rests his hand flat on your lower back and nudges you to sit back on the couch with him. You sit on the cushion next to where he sat and remain stiffened, trying to avoid eye contact with Josh. He still has yet to break his gaze at you, except now, Jake is included in this amusing sight. The stunned gaze resembles one of someone watching a boxing match; watching the tension thrown back and forth between the two of you.

Jake lowers himself onto the couch and turns to match your eyes, “A very good friend.”

Josh raises his hands in defense, “Oh, oh, you don’t need to give me much more than that. I get it,” He giggles, “Just hard to believe such a nice-looking little lady would have interest in you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You and Jake echo together. You both glance a confused look at each other. What was this weird defensive synchronization that was happening? Why would it be abnormal for you to be with Jake?… Maybe Josh knew the other woman Jake had pursued.

“Oh now now,” Josh adjusts himself more comfortably into the seat, almost perching himself on the edge. He gestures at you, “It was not supposed to offend you, but my twin has never been known for being a solid gentleman,” He leans further in and covers the side of his mouth that faces Jake, “He’s too rough and tough for that-”

“Josh-” You can see the anger mounting inside Jake. He’s already giving in to the stereotype Josh has put out. He doesn’t see it, but you can clear as day.

“Me, on the other hand, I am quite the gentleman,” He laughs, “if I do say so myself-”

“Josh!” Jake snaps.

Twin rivalry. The worst kind of sibling rivalry. It felt like being right back in your living room on holidays, watching your family bicker back and forth at each other. Knowing how to dig into everyone’s worst insecurities. Like an old married couple who’s known each other for far too long, knows every good and bad thing about each other, finding the perfect ways to jab in their soft spots.

Josh giggles at himself. It's blatant that pissing Jake off is a favorite pastime of his. I guess you share something in common, but at least Jake gets to take out his frustration on you in a far more… exciting way. You try to cut the tension and ease Jake.

“Well,” You reach over to place your hand on Jake’s thigh, trying to soothe him with a touch. He gingerly reaches back to place his hand over yours, “He’s working on the gentleman part, but I think he makes a great lover.”

Both of the twins turn to look at you, shocked looks expressed on their faces. Jake’s gentle touch on your hand becomes a grasp, crushing your knuckles between his fingers. You flash a remorseful grin at Jake, who isn’t having it. Josh cuts his giggling with a clearing cough and sits himself up properly in the chair.

“Well, that’s…” Josh covers his mouth with his hand, pondering the words he just heard, “That’s just great.”

Jake has still yet to break his glare at you, clearly being funny in that moment wasn’t the kind of soothing words he needed. It was your bratty side coming out again, embarrassing him in front of his brother. You’d be sure to pay for that later.

“So you guys are brothers?” You ask, trying once again to break the tension less bluntly. Jake loosens his grip on you, letting his fingers heavily weigh over the top of your hand.

“Well, to be particular, twins, bandmates… Sometimes roommates.” Jake grumbles.

“Well, we’ll always be womb-mates!” Josh jokes.

It was interesting to see Jake be put up against someone so close to him.

Josh is quite the opposite of his twin, very outspoken, and chaotic. It's almost like they split their personalities at a young age, neither one of them level human beings. One energetic and spunky, and the other moody and brooding. You imagine them as children, were they both once spunky and energetic, but took different roads, different paths, somewhere down the line? Imagining Jake with a childlike heart was melting you.

“So you’re the funny one, huh?” You joke back at Josh sarcastically.

“Precisely dear! You have to at least have some personality if you are the lead singer.” Josh raises his hand in a preachy theatrical matter, trying to play up each word he says.

“You don’t remember him from the set?” Jake asks.

He’s trying to belittle Josh and make him seem inferior. And he is. You don’t remember him. Shit. Watching Jake play caused a weird form of tunnel vision. Well, watching him and drinking those exceptionally strong whiskey sours. You try to find the right words to say, trying not to offend Josh and also trying not to reveal that you were staring at his brother’s dick all night.

“I’m sorry,” You say, “I don’t- not that you weren’t rememberable! But my focus was… elsewhere.”

Jake smirks. He liked catching you off guard at that moment, a slight torment for your quick remarks.

“Ah, don’t fret,” Josh muses, “You should come to our next gig! I’ll sing especially for you,”

“Hey…” Jake warns.

You turn to look at Jake, snapping a glaring look. Why shouldn’t you? Why would he try to quiet Josh’s invitation? The brat in you is filling up, taking over your mind. There would be no playing around or trying to hide from Jake. If he wanted you, he could at least act like it.

“You know what? I’d love that!” You exclaim, “When is it?!”

Josh starts to catch onto your tone and joins in, “Next week! At this bar a few towns over, but it's got a really great vibe and a dance floor!”

You perk yourself up and place your hand over your heart, resembling a shocked Southern belle.

“Oh! A dance floor?” Your tone is trying to be mocking to upset Jake, but it is nice to feel invited by his brother, “Too bad Jake doesn’t dance…”

You pout your lip out and turn to Jake. He won’t even look at you now. His eyes are locked on Josh; who is living in Jake’s discomfort. The anger is creeping through him, starting to fume. Josh and you both are piling it on, pushing him past where he’s comfortable.

To be fair, this is an extremely awkward situation. His twin is here, having a normal conversation with him, and you show up here, his… his lover? His… Not girlfriend. That’s very clear. Why not be fun and break the tension? Jake could have easily told his brother that now wasn’t a good time, or he could’ve tried to warn you. But he didn't.

You’re sure this was not how he expected the morning to go.

Josh leans forward and drops his head in fake dissapointment, “It’s really too bad for him…” He perks back up to engage with you, “Guess I'll have to save a dance for you when our set is over.” He winks and smiles at you, with a wild resemblance to Jake.

“Why thank you,” You reach your hand out and wave it at him, “You’re such a gentleman for offering.”

By this point, you both are fully aware of the game you’re playing. It's the ‘who can push Jake the furthest game’, and you’re both winning.

“Alright, alright,” Jake sneers through gritted teeth, “Josh, why don’t we plan the set tomorrow, okay?”

A furrow has appeared across Jake’s brow. He’s embarrassed, but too prideful to admit it. He’s being shown up by his twin, no doubt his previous rival in endeavors like this. You both are cutting into him, trying to make him vulnerable, but he won’t budge.

“Aww Jakey,” Josh whines, pouting at him, “We weren’t trying to hurt your feelings, little brother,”

You try to hold back laughter, but a small choking giggle escapes from within you.

“And, that’s enough of you today,” Jake snaps.

He stands up from the couch and paces over to the door, gesturing at it, ushering Josh to go. A disappointed and frustrated look is painted across his face. Instead of standing up for himself, he’d rather cut the whole conversation short.

“Jake…” you scold. You don’t mean to sound so demanding, but he is taking the jokes too seriously.

“No, no, It’s quite alright,” Josh stands from his seat and walks over to you, grabbing your hand from your lap, “It was a pleasure darling.” He lowers his head to place a soft kiss across the top of your hand.

You meet eyes as he releases his lips. He has that same devious smirk as Jake. You know he means no harm, and by no means does he want to pursue you- he just wants to get under Jake’s skin. Still, the gesture leaves you blushing.

You both linger there for a moment, trading secretive glances, knowing what turmoil you’re creating inside Jake. Before Josh can even release his hand from yours, he’s pulled away by Jake, yanking at him from the back of his shirt.

“C’mon,” Jake pulls, “You’ll have plenty of time to woo her at the show…”

Josh is giggling at himself, knowing that he’s leaving a mess for you to deal with. The realization of this situation is settling in your stomach now, knowing that once that door shuts out Josh, the angst will continue within these walls.

Bad behavior has consequences.

“I’ll see you!” Josh yelps before being shoved out into the daylight.

“You must be pretty tired after that, huh?” Jake asks.

You hate to admit how tired you were, but it was true. You wanted to keep going, to feel more, but you were completely overstimulated and feared what might happen if you were to continue.

It was already a long day full of emotion, some turmoil, and newness. Despite spending most of the past week in bed, resting, you still felt exhausted.

You drop your head, disappointed, “I’m sorry, I can-”

“You don’t have to do anything. It’s been a long day. Get in bed.”

You oblige, sneaking yourself under the sheets. He’d already taken the comforter off and assured you further that what you did was completely normal, and incredibly sexy in his opinion. A new blanket was strewn over the bed, and you were snuggling into the mattress.

Jake unhooks his belt beside you and takes off his jeans, getting himself comfortable. He lifts his side of the sheets and slides in beside you.

Both of you were face to face, just blushing at each other. He places his hand on your cheek and rubs his thumb back and forth over it. The most gentle and kind gesture.

“Just so you know,” He says, “No woman has ever felt as good as you… No woman has ever been as beautiful as you.”

You turn your head to meet his palm and place a kiss in the center of it.

He runs his hand to the back of your head and nudges at it to move closer to him. You scootch yourself into him, resting your head in his chest; bringing your legs up to sit around his.

Despite already seeing so much of him- having the best sex of your life with him- this was the most intimate moment you had shared.

This moment was everything. This night was everything. It was proof that Jake could try. That a future with him was a very real possibility. That you truly meant more to him than just sex. He could trust you enough to be comfortable with him. You never wanted this time together to end. Just laying here together in bed.

Jake slams the door behind Josh and immediately turns to you. He looks utterly ruined. Far past embarrassed, actually quite upset.

“Really?” He asks.

“What?” You snap back, settling yourself further on the couch. You cross your arms, trying to come across as nonchalant; as if nothing bad had happened. You truly believe nothing that bad has happened.

Jake matches you and crosses his arms, “Do not what me. Why would you act like that?”

“Hmm,” You mockingly ponder, “I don’t know, maybe it’s because I was surprise attacked into meeting your brother?”

Jake loosens his arms and walks back to the couch, positioning himself in front of you. Putting you in his perfect line of fire.

“Yeah, well he wasn’t supposed to be here. I would assume that you might behave if you came down.”

You purse your lips, trying to remain calm in this moment. Behave? Really. What were you? A twelve-year-old? You’re a woman who was put in a situation you weren’t expecting and was trying to get along with his brother. Setting good impressions for the family is supposed to be a good thing. At least you know that you and Josh would get along swimmingly but at the expense of Jake’s sensitive feelings.

“I was just trying to be funny. You’re just jealous of him.”

Jake chuckles softly, not believing the words you just uttered, “Oh I’m jealous? You seem to forget you didn’t talk to me because-”

“Jake that’s different-”

“Oh so you can be jealous, but I can’t get a little bothered by you flirting with my brother?” His tone is changing. The frustration is evident in his voice, the hypocrisy is getting to him. And he’s right, you have been jealous. You have had a hard time sharing Jake or even thinking about him with anyone else, or doing anything else.

But this is different.

Jake slept with someone who was a friend and tried to hide the information from you. You on the other hand were jokingly playing around with his brother. Maybe it was a revenge tactic… Maybe you were flirting, but it felt good to make Jake just as uncomfortable as you once felt. The toxicity between you is what sparks all the good things. The back and forth, the teasing, and the accusations, all lead to physical apologies.

“This is all completely different and you know it… If I’m being truthful, you haven’t always put me in the most comfortable situations Jake.”

That last part was cold but honest. You promised yourself you would be honest with him.

You can tell you struck a chord with him. The anger is still within him, and you thought telling him the truth would maybe help loosen its hold on him. But of course, it didn’t

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” He scoffs.

He may have anger inside him, but there is a much stronger force of annoyance pushing through you. For him to ask that question is equivalent to a slap in the face. Does he seriously not know what you mean? Mariella, confronting you at work, showing up to your apartment and dragging you out into the middle of a field, inviting his brother into the house knowing you were just upstairs sleeping…

All he does is push you into an uncomfortable place, but the moment you start to play around and make a few jokes, that’s completely unacceptable?

“Jake, you know what I mean. I want this to work out, but you have to consider how I feel sometimes too… I think that’s pretty reasonable.”

He scoffs again, crossing his arms in dismay. Your attempts at pleading are useless, mostly because he already knows what he wants you to say. He will always get his way. “You think I don’t care how you feel?”

“Oh, my god.” You throw your hands up in the air. Defeated. “Can you not be so defensive over everything I say? Can you have a little fun sometimes?”

“You think I don’t care, you think I can’t have fun…” Jake leans down towards you and pulls your face up to meet his. He stares deeply into you, his gaze burning. The arguing always gets the both of you going, it’s like a foreplay of sorts. It would be wrong to deny either of you the release you both crave. Neither of you are truly mad, but it's a game you play. You’re ready to let him take you, let yourself forgive him with his touch.

He runs his calloused fingers across the edge of your jaw. The burning exasperation lingers inside of you, but slowly erases with each second his skin is on yours. His thumb extends down to your neck, carrying his fingers to wrap around your neck. He squeezes you in his hand, careful to not let his displeasure translate to physicality, “Why don’t I show you how much I fucking care?”

“Yes sir,” You reply. Immediately, you assume your role. The softer Jake that was present with you last night has subsided, he needed to be himself again, and you needed to take your place as the submissive.

Your heart is beating in your chest, excited to be in this roleplay with Jake again. You feel the heat rushing down your between your legs, ready for more with him.

“Pants off, now.”

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#jake kiszka #greta van fleet #greta van smut #greta van fleet smut #gvf smut #jake kiskza x reader #gvf fic #jake kiszka smut #jake kiszka fanfic

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desceros · 5 months

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Hey, if this is too personal totally feel free to disregard this! But I've seen you mention having adhd more than once, and I know a super common symptom is executive dysfunction. The professionals I see aren't sure if I have adhd specifically, but they agree that I definitely have major executive dysfunction issues. Like... it feels like an actual, physical wall between me and the things I need to do, and even want to do. This wall feels... impossible to scale. I think that's just executive dysfunction in general, though, and isn't really unique to me. I just wanted to know if you have any tips that help you do the things you want to do or need to do even when it feels impossible? I've tried so many of the tips I see online, I've done quite a bit of research into the mental illnesses I do have and even the ones I likely have, and... I don't know. I still just feel stuck. Sorry if my thoughts are disorganized or hard to follow, I'm sorta really going through it right now. I'm fine, just... stressing myself out. Any tips you feel comfortable giving would be so, so appreciated. And thank you for taking the time to read this!

yes indeed, i am hashtag officially diagnosed with what i like to affectionately call my dumb bitch disease (not that anyone else is allowed to use that term for it.... well. maybe my very close friends. but yeah. gotta laugh at the awful things so you don't cry, right?)

so the thing with adhd (well. any kind of mental health issue) is that it's all a spectrum. every human person on this planet is somewhere on the euclidean axis of how many neurodivergencies they have. some people have no recognizable symptoms in any of the recognized areas we have. some people may have mild issues with things, and it's a bit fuzzy if they "have adhd or not." when you talk to a professional, there's a particular line of demarcation that happens when someone is looking to diagnose you with something.

do these symptoms interfere with your day to day life? are they severe enough to rise to the level of DISORDER?

it's completely possible for you to struggle with executive function and not have adhd. you may have something else, as executive function disorder is not exclusively in the domain of adhd, or it might just be that those particular neurons are cranky in your brain. what you're doing here—recognizing symptoms and looking for ways to address them—is really good, and basically what adhd therapy does, anyway.

all that being said, honk shoo honk shoo, let's get into a What The Fuck Are You Talking About for people who want more information on the subject, and some advice i have for you. i'll start generally, then talk a little bit about the writing thing specifically since it's a bit of a special beast for me.

what you are describing does indeed sound like issues with executive function to me.

first, for those new to the idea, executive function is the fancy term for the "executive" of your brain. the guy in a fancy suit who makes shit happen. when you walk by a dirty plate, you have the thought "oh i should put that in the dishwasher." executive function is the gap between the thought "oh i should x" and doing x.

a lot of the problems that neurodivergent people have, especially those with adhd, is that this function is impaired. some days, it's just fucking impossible to move that plate.

and it's not consistently, or predictably. some days, you will be perfectly able to do the thing. yesterday you put the plate in the dishwasher. today you put the plate in the dishwasher. tomorrow you will put the plate in the dishwasher. but tuesday comes, and you walk by the dirty plate, think "oh i should put that in the dishwasher," and then you stand there and stare at it without moving it. and you're like, c'mon. it's easy. you did it yesterday. all it takes is moving your hand. picking up the plate. walking into the kitchen. putting it inside the dishwasher. isn't that so easy? why can't you do it? why isn't your hand moving? are you lazy? are you stupid? this is infuriating! you literally just did this yesterday! you've done it a hundred times! what the fuck is wrong with you?! and then wednesday comes. now you have two dirty plates. now the task is twice as hard. maybe you can do it. maybe you can't. it's a harder task now. now you have three plates. now you're guilty because you have all these dirty plates, and it's a mountainous task now, and your roommate is giving you stink eyes for leaving dirty plates out, and you're a fucking adult who should be able to take care of some dirty plates, and you want to, you WANT to take care of the plates, but every time you THINK about them you flop into a cold sweat—

this is executive dysfunction. it's one of the more insidious side effects of adhd in my experience. that said, there are a lot of little tricks i've gotten from therapy specific to addressing this problem, so i'll give you a list here.

DO I HAVE TIME? this is best used for small, quick tasks like our plate example. you walk by the dirty plate and think "i should put this in the dishwasher." do you have time, right now, to do it? will it interfere with the thing you were doing? for example, if you're on the way out the door because your ride is honking, the answer is no. if you're on the way to get another glass of water while kicking back and watching some youtube, the answer is yes. if you have the time, do it now. now let's say you bring the plate into the kitchen and open the dishwasher. it's clean. you haven't emptied it yet. now the task has changed. but that's okay; do you have the time to empty the dishwasher right now? maybe you only get an hour a week to kick back and watch the youtube, and it's a special time that you need in order to recharge. the answer becomes no. well the plate is in the kitchen now instead of your room. victory.

COIN FLIP GAME. this one i actually got from the anti-planner by dani donovan, which i can Not recommend highly enough. there is a task you have to do, and you want to do it, but you're having a problem getting started. or maybe you have to do it but it feels icky, but you do really need to do it. the important thing for this trick is that it is not time sensitive; if you don't do it right now, it's okay. so you flip a coin. heads, you do it. tails, you get to wait until you have the thought that you need to do it again. if you get tails, then you are allowed, guilt-free, not to do the thing. if you get heads, sorry champ but you're doing the thing. gamifying it in this manner kind of... cheats your brain into approaching things differently, which can help you get around that brick wall.

TASK INITIATION. sometimes, it's not that the task itself is the problem; it's because you're having problem with what's called "task initiation." getting Started doing the thing is really fucking hard. if this is your issue, you can try and approach it a different way, usually by going "backwards" down the order of operations. so say for example, laundry. i have a lot of trouble with laundry. if i think to myself "i need to do my laundry," i have difficulty with the task initiation there. so what i do instead of "starting" at the shoving clothes into the washing machine part, i'll go into my room and make sure i've picked up all the dirty clothes and sorted them out. check my bathroom for towels and washcloths. sort them away. now i'm standing in front of my dirty laundry, and i'm "doing laundry," so it's easier to pick up one of the organizer bags and take it into the laundry room. i went backwards down the line and found a place in the task list where i could begin without the hassle, then i basically tricked myself into continuing past the point where i was having trouble.

BREAK UP THE TASK. this one is good if you feel like you're looking at a mountain and it's so overwhelming you just. don't do the thing. you'll hear it a lot: "just break it up into smaller tasks!" but. what the fuck does that actually mean? what does it look like? it's going to depend on You, but let's look at our plate example. so we just walked by the plate and we know we need to put it into the dishwasher. well. let me start by looking at the plate. can i do that? can i pick it up? let's say the answer is no. well, why? maybe i'm so stressed from work that this is just one too many things on my, haha, plate right now. okay. maybe don't worry about this right now, then. or maybe i'm having trouble because i know that the dishwasher is full of clean dishes, so it's not really as simple as "put the plate in the dishwasher." so, bring the plate into the kitchen. put it on the counter. maybe that's enough for now. or maybe i can open the dishwasher. look inside. it's full, and i don't really have the energy to unload it right now. ...or maybe i do, but i'm just looking at this huge thing that feels too big. maybe i can put away one plate. okay. that wasn't so bad. maybe i can put away all the plates. plates are easy. my trick is i take all the clean dishes OUT of the dishwasher and put them on my kitchen island without worrying about putting them away yet. then i load the dirty things into the dishwasher. well now i turn around and i have all the clean dishes pilled up nicely here. momentum really is everything. one task leads to two leads to five leads to done.

TASK BUNDLING. this is useful if you're trying to be more consistent about something and you already have something else you do consistently. for example, i have dogs. every night around six pm, i feed them supper. now, historically, i've had problems with remembering to eat/feeling like cooking when i wasn't hungry/being hungry but having trouble cooking. i don't need to tell you how unhealthy that is, hahaha. so what i did is i bundled my supper together with their supper. they will eat every night. they will Not forget to remind me that they want to eat. i make their supper every day. so i make their supper, feed it to them, and bam! i'm in the kitchen. preparing food already. so it's really easy for me to keep going and prepare My food. let's say you want to drink more water. every time you open tumblr, bundle together the task of checking to make sure you have a glass of water with you, and take a sip. let's say you want to take a vitamin. keep the bottle by your toothbrush. and get weird with it! don't let social norms hold you back. i have a toothbrush in my shower. i have medicine on the bookshelf next to where i play video games. these aren't the "usual" places for things, but they Work for ME. find the places that work for you, and bundle things together. you'll be a lot more likely to do them if they're tied to something else.

BODY DOUBLING. this one is HUGE. i've actually infected my neurotypical friends in discord with this one, it's so powerful, hehehe. basically, you externalize the executive function. there are a couple of ways to do this. if you want to do something, ask someone to be in the room with you. they don't have to be doing the same thing, or anything, really. but having another Person there (another BODY, if you will) will make it so you can do the thing. you can also do this over discord. for example, my friends and i will open up a voice chat, and we'll be doing things. i'll be writing, khaya will be drawing, yorsh will be writing or drawing, keisha will be writing or drawing... and because we're all there together, we're super productive! it smashes through that brick wall a bit. there is a whole genre of youtube videos i LOVE that target this thing. find "study with me" type videos where you have someone doing homework or something, maybe they have rain, or lofi music, or just the ambient noises of a coffee shop; whatever you find most helpful. i actually body double with a little fox timer i have on my desk. i turn him on for an hour, and since he's "working," it's really easy for me to be like "ok i gotta work too." silly? yes. does it work? yes!

BULLET JOURNAL/APPS. i don't mean the pinterest pretty things where you end up spending way too much time on making a pretty spread. i mean the actual basic bullet journal that the original creator developed because he has adhd and needed something to keep his shit straight. i did this for a while, and i found it somewhat useful? eventually i found more success with the app TickTick, which is so good for me keeping my tasks straight and accounted for, i pay for the premium bc fuck yeah. if you're the kind of person motivated by streaks (think, like, doing something because you don't want to break a streak. i am very much this person.) then i've gotten a lot of good mileage out of the Today app. i don't use it much anymore, but it's very good if that's a motivating thing for you.

WEAPONIZE ANNOYANCE. i do this one a lot. i have certain things that annoy me a lot. like, being wasteful with water really annoys me. so that means i don't like to wash laundry more than once. which means, if i put something in the washing machine, i WILL move it into the dryer. so if i can put my laundry into the washing machine and get it started, i have defeated the demon of moving it into the dryer by weaponizing my own irritation against myself. same thing with gritty bathroom floors. my cat's litterbox is in my bathroom. i Really hate stepping out of the shower and feeling litter under my feet. so i'm pretty meticulous about keeping the bathroom floor clean, even though sometimes i have a moment of executive dysfunction about vacuuming every day, because whenever i hit that brick wall i think. ok. well. we can look at this brick wall that's here. now think about the sensation of stepping out onto cat litter out of the shower. aofjalsfjadlskfjslakfjsalkfj. and that's enough for me to reach for the vacuum. so you can use your preferences against your weaknesses, especially if they're things that you're Very particular about.

RECONTEXTUALIZE. my therapist will sometimes stop me and say "you are should-ing all over yourself." and this is when i'm saying things like "i should x" or "i should y." i should be able to put away this plate in the dishwasher. i did it yesterday! i should be able to do it today! the moment you catch yourself thinking these things, stop. think about it differently. instead of "i should be able to put this plate away," think "i want to be able to put this plate away." now you can say. well. why do i want to put the plate away? because it's dirty, and dirty dishes will attract bugs. i don't want bugs. i want my room to be clean and smell nice. i want to enjoy being in here. now, instead of a chore that needs to be done, you can think about it as a positive thing you're doing. sometimes this is enough to get around that wall.

now. you've asked me about writing specifically, which is. kind of a special beast for me. you said it seems like i have a compulsion to do it—and it really does kind of feel that way. if i go too long without writing, i feel uncomfortable. antsy. like i'm not doing what i need to be doing in order to be Me. as such, it's usually not that difficult for me to convince myself to write. if i start seeing a brick wall about it, i can go "...but... think about the COOL SHIT that's about to happen in symphony!!" and i'll go "OH YEAH" and break right the fuck through that brick wall kool-aid style.

that said. i do experience executive dysfunction with my writing. there are days when i want to write, i have the scene in my head, i have the time, i'm in my special writing place, and i sit down and—and i can't do it. i can't write. i keep clicking into tumblr. i close tumblr on my computer then pick up my phone. i watch youtube videos. it's like no matter what i do, i can Not focus on writing. even though i am screaming and rattling at the cages because i want to!!! i want to write!!! i want to do nothing MORE than write!!!!

often, one of the tricks above will work for me since i've learned how to use them over the years, and i have practice tricking myself. i find particular success with the body doubling in particular for writing. but some days, it just. Doesn't Happen. and here is the ultimate truth that i will bestow upon you:

it's okay if you don't do the thing.

so you don't pick up that plate today, and tomorrow you have two. so you don't do your laundry, so you have to do it tomorrow. so you miss a meal. you go a day without writing. it's okay. as long as you're safe and healthy, it's okay. tomorrow is another day for you to try and do the thing.

stressing out about how much you want to do the thing is counterproductive. you're just going to make yourself ill doing that, and then you'll be less capable of doing things. just... chill. relax. breathe. do what you can. try the tips i gave, look for some more and see if those work, and if they don't... all right. it just isn't meant to happen today. no big deal. do something else today. maybe you don't pick up that plate... but you do fold that laundry that was giving you a brick wall a few days ago. maybe you don't write that fic today... but you do read that book you've been putting off, and now you have a new favorite author you want to pick apart and study. life is short, and precious. don't should on yourself.

#ask tag #adhd tag #holy FUCK this got long. but i hope it helps you a little c:

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pain-in-the-butler · 29 days

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Hello, this is just a kindly, no-pressure ask for your rant/essay/critique, if you still like what you wrote. I am very curious what you have to say :)

Ah, hi there... Kind of you to drop in and I guess I should expect a little bit of gentle prodding. I do feel sheepish about my radio silence, particularly after I made a whole separate post talking about how I went off answering your ask. In fact, I wrote a whole 3.5k words, and even edited it a few times but ultimately I've struggled to make myself happy with it as a good response to your question, and I'm far too passionate to give myself any grace when it comes to talking about this subject.

But it isn't just nitpicking about the way I've written that's slowing me down. See, back when I was a little English major still in college and finally learning the correct way to write a paper for the first time in my life, I struggled with conclusions. A lot of people do. All I was really told was that I wasn't supposed to use conclusions to summarize my paper but rather to bring in new information. I thought that was pretty stupid, but I was determined to get it right.

At some point, I came upon a technique for writing conclusions that I continued to use for every paper for the rest of my life. Thanks to a borderline ADHD brain and general disorganization, I would often start writing essays only with an idea of what I wanted to say and no idea why I wanted to say it. It wasn't until I reached the end of the paper that I'd finally get what my own point was.

So I'd write the entire essay out in one go and first write the conclusion as if it was a summary of my paper. Next I'd reread the whole thing to make sure my summary made sense. And then I'd take that summary, make it my opening paragraph, edit it so it sounded less like an ending, reread the paper a third time, and then finally write a proper concluding paragraph that did at last bring new information to the reader. I know it sounds like a lot of extra work, but if you struggle with essays too, give it a try.

In conclusion... I wrote a long-winded, rambling essay for your ask, only to get to the end and realize what it was I really wanted to say. And when I realized what I really wanted to say, my essay no longer looked very strong to my own eyes.

Of course I haven't touched it with a ten-foot pole since I recognized this, out of annoyance with myself. But now that I've given it a few weeks to sit on the back burner, maybe I won't hate it so much anymore. I'll give it another read soon and determine what's best to do: finagle it or start over from scratch.

Sorry this is such an extremely extra and unnecessary process, I can't help my nature. I've only been stewing about how much I wish Black Butler was different for at least seven years. The last thing I want to do is sound flimsy when I finally put all my thoughts in order.

Tl;dr, thanks for bearing with me. I promise I haven't forgotten 🫡

#asks #and hopefully I don't sound any bit annoyed at your asking; I'm not at all. thanks again for wanting to hear my thoughts!

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spiderboi-parker · 28 days

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hey im officially working on a 'family tree' of sorts for every blog involved in this rp group so would you mind telling me who your characters are connected to and where theyre living with tags so I can keep everything organized? Connection list is: Parent/child Grandparent/grandchild Great grandparent/great grandchild Siblings Dating Married/engaged pibling/nibling (gender neutral terms for aunt/uncle and niece/nephew)

(repeating this for all the blogs you run would be appreciated)

if you have any questions just ask!

(apologies if this has been sent multiple times. if youve already answered i likely lost the information due to disorganization that i'm currently dealing with)

@thedcrpfamilytree

[OOC: Lol it's fine, this gives me a chance to say LOREEEEEEE]

[OOC edit: Okay so I wasn't very clear, I'm friends/found family with all the rp blogs I'm involved with! Also sorry I didn't tag you- @thedcrpfamilytree ]

[Other OOC edit: Forgot to mention, these brackets mean me, the author/account runner, is speaking. I can be interacted with like the fourth wall!]

This is Peter Benjamin Parker. I'm the one and only Spider-Man. Well, of my universes.

I originate from Earth-616, the "Sacred Timeline". This is where all other universes in my multiverse stem from. I'm the kid of the Avengers, 14 years old (28, depending on the blog I'm talking to! Interactions with adult romance interests mean I'm 28!), and I travel the multiverse! I'm Tony Stark's son figure and protégé, but I work with the Batfamily as well. Here's where things get tricky. I don't have a Batfamily in my universe- I go to other universes. Depending on the universe, my relationship with any Batfamily member will be different. [OOC: The Avengers are like his family, Tony being the dad, Natasha being the mom, and the rest being aunts and uncles. Yes, that includes Wanda.]

I have a lot of adventures, and a lot of different friends and family! Giving the phone to older me lol

Hi, this is Peter. Blah blah blah, yeah I'm Spider-Man, hi. There's a lot of different versions of me that are 28, like myself, that have different universes. There's only one small us. Be nice to him. I'm Earth-616 Peter, I'm single and work full time as an Avenger.

I'm Peter, also from Earth-616, but another timeline. I'm dating Wade Wilson (DEADPOOL) and work full-time as Spider-Man. Repeating what the Peter above me said, be nice to little us!

Hey, another Peter, another Earth-616 timeline. I'm Spider-Man and dating Johnny Storm. Be nice to little us. [BRO FORGOT TO SAY HE'S NOT A FANTASTIC FOUR MEMBER💀]

Hey! I'm Peter, don't know my Earth number, but I live in Gotham and work with the Batfamily! I'm not dating anyone. (Peter dating Wade here, he forgot to mention he's Spider-Man. Lol)

Another Peter in Gotham, also Spider-Man, I'm a part of the Batfamily, and Tim and Duke are my best friends! (Adult Peter who's not dating anyone, he forgot to say that he's 16. He originated in Earth-616, but he's in the Dark Matter timeline. [OOC: Minus the murder.]) (Shut up, [REDACTED]) [OOC: Nuh uh. Also I don't role-play as him yet, if you want to hit me up!] (Stop advertising your blog) [No I want friends]

I'm Peter Benjamin Parker, aka Spider-Man. I live in Metropolis and I'm friends with Clark Kent and the Batfamily. Hey guys! [OOC: Also another yet to be role-played character. He's 28, very polite, and always lived in Metropolis. He's single. I forgot to mention, please interact with my main Peter {14, Earth-616} the most! And clarify what Peter you're role-playing with OOC before you make your post so I know what to use! Always willing to make a new AU! NO STARKER, EVER. I'VE BLOCKED ALL ACCOUNTS OF IT IVE SEEN ON MY FYP. DNI IF YOU SHIP THAT, YOU DISGUST ME. *Throat clearing* Alright, now that that's done, bye guys! Say bye Peters!]

Bye guys!

Bye!

Bye everyone!

See ya!

See you later!

See you all soon!

Goodbye everyone! Have a good day!

#marvel #spiderman #spider son #spideypool #avengers #batfamily #batfam #multiverse #dark matter #peter in gotham #roleplay #pun #puns #fourth wall break #for you #for you page #writer #writers on tumblr #spideyverse

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dairy-farmer · 1 year

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Hi! 🥹🥹 I absolutely adore your writing and your characterization of Tim, like he’s so life like and real, but also super lovable. Your works has actually inspired me to write something about Tim, like the movie vibes and your words are so captivating?? Authors with magical words like you are so rare 😭 thank you for existing and posting and writing!! 🥰🥰🥹

I’ve read books and tried writing little by little. Sorry if this is annoying, please just ignore this question if you’re uncomfortable answering. I was wondering about your writing process and how you plan it out? Like, do you imagine Tim in a scenario, and he just automatically moves and talk? Sorry if this makes no sense. Like, because he’s smart and I’m not really so it’s kinda hard 😭

Your flow is also super super smooth and has a rhythm, which is 🥰🥰!! Like something about your writing is so pleasing. Thank you once again for sharing your works!! 😭😭 like your tumblr answers and tweets are written so well, if you publish books that’s not even about Tim, I’d buy it no doubt.

I hope you’re having a great month and great year, and everything is going smoothly for you 🥰🥰 thank you for inspiring me to write.

that's so great to hear!!!!!!!!!!! i'm so happy you've started experimenting with writing that makes me ecstatic to hear!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ it's most definitely not annoying and i'd love to answer to the best of my ability!!!

the way i write is a bit disorganized- it's usually an idea that hits me or a concept that unfolds in my mind from normal everyday things. for example: on twitter i wrote a dicktim thread fic that took place in the very back seat of a car on the ride home from the beach. i got the inspiration to write it from remembering how much i hated going to the beach as a kid because i'd get back to the car all wet and sandy and i'd be cramped in the backseat where the cooler, towel, bags, and bags of peoples wet clothes and bathing suits would all be and i imagined how much more it would've sucked if i'd been part of an even larger family and naturally since all i think about is tim i thought of him in that situation and how he probably would've ended up sitting on someone's lap on the ride home. so i think that ideas sort of come from all your experiences and things that you know. the more things you do, read, or watch help fill your head with little bits of information, tropes, and all different kinds of things that may end up creating ideas!!

in terms of how i plan things either in tweets, tumblr responses, and within fics in general. i don't actually outline anything- i really should though!!! i feel like thoughts would be a lot easier to organize if i outlined it first. but with twitter i just write what i think of as it comes to me. because of how twitter is structured it's hard to do a traditional 'beginning' 'middle' 'end' storytelling without it getting too long and the character limits on individual tweets means often your thoughts get interrupted by the limit so you have to delete and rewrite things for it to fit. tumblr and normal fic writing you sit down and do similar things but there's also more...thought put behind it? like on tumblr and when writing fics i can go back and change, add, or delete things without completely altering the general flow of it! so the platform you're using definitely plays a role in how well you can get into a rhythm of writing!

with how my brain works with imagining the scenes as i write them it's a little bit hard to describe? it's a lot like when you're reading- the scene is playing out in your head and not in front of your eyes like how it does when you watch TV. i learned some time ago that there are some people who don't have the ability to mentally visualize things. like if you asked someone to imagine an apple they wouldn't be able to do it. when i learned that it was incomprehensible to me because when i write it's less that i'm thinking it and more like i'm 'describing' what i see in my mind. like in my writing when i say tim is out of breath it's because he's panting like he's run a marathon. if i say his skin is glistening it's because he's sweating heavily and the light is bouncing off it. occasionally i do slip in more in-depth detail, like i wonder where the light source is coming from in order to get the 'glistening' effect and a more comprehensive layout forms in my head- maybe the curtains of the window is open and sun/moon is shining light in, maybe there is a bedside lamp, a candle etc. often times when i'm writing the scenes it's from the perspective of a 3rd person or a 'film camera' effect. i never see the scenes from the point of view of tim or any of the characters- it's like i'm always observing them from the corner of the room ( a bit of a creepy way to put it but that's how my perspective occurs). i don't think i 'direct' their actions very consciously, i sort of let them play out in my head by themselves and if i don't like how something is going i 'replay' it and do the scene again until it's formatted or done in a way that i like and that's what ends up getting written down. that's the reason why a lot of my stuff isn't particularly dialogue heavy, i focus more on descriptions and internal monologues and scene settings and i tend to use dialogue when i'm leading to some conclusion or something to push the scene/get the plot moving.

also your point about tim being really smart rings true because if you want to do a mystery you need to plan and figure it out first- the problem with writing a very intelligent or clever character who always comes out on top is that you sort of need to be smart to do it and pull it off 😭😭😭😭😭

thank you so much for all your kind words 🥰🥰🥰🥰 it makes me so happy to learn that you enjoy my work and it makes me even happier to know that you've been inspired to write!!!!!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

#answered asks #asks #anonymous

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pimento-playing-hopscotch · 2 years

Text

Disorganized thoughts about season 2 of 911 lone star after I watched the finale that I need to put somewhere and the first season of lone star the season finale made me feel so happy and it was such good found family feels and the last three episodes of season 2 of lone star made me feel like this

Not the gif I was going for but I like knives out and it works.

And I figured out why so much of the fic for lone star has a publication date of 2020, which means it was written after or literally while the first season is airing. And the first season is ten episodes long, but they came out of the gate with so many fleshed out characters and potential in those ten episodes!

Sorry getting back to season 2- the first half of the season was good. Tommy kicks so much ass as a character, like I would say the first season is 85% perfect but Tommy is such an amazing character that I wish she could have been in season 1.

And I liked Gwyn, and it doesn’t happen a lot and yes I know it’s all fake but when you look at two characters and it’s like yes I can believe those two people created that person, like damn the resemblance between Lisa/Ronen/Rob is almost freaky it’s so good. I did not love the pregnancy storyline that was kind of a really? They’re doing this? Like I felt like actually having the baby was a mistake- they pointed out she is older for having a child and there are risks, she could have miscarried and then done the whole “we were just together because we thought we were having a baby and this may be your home now but it isn’t mine” or some shit. (I haven’t started the third season yet but I spoil things for myself so I know they kill Gwyn off which WHY- but also then why did they go through the she a has a baby storyline within someone else to kill her off? It’s just… messy.

TK becoming a paramedic- good development. The kidnapping plot and the Judd/Grace episode were all good and the team throwing the birthday party for the little boy who had no friends and TK throwing the intervention for Owen and the entire team discussing Owen while in a call forgetting he can HEAR them- all good!

And then everything came to a screeching halt.

Like I feel the Tarlos condo burning down after the 126 was sabotaged would have been good ideas… if they hadn’t inadvertently been Owen’s fault?

But that would mean dealing with the “now we don’t have to unpack ALL of that” attitude of 2x12. Here are the things that should have been dealt with:

TK and Carlos’s confrontation at the firehouse getting physical

The entire Owen being arrested being a huge set up

How the hell did Owen explain the above to TK?

Did Carlos’s dad and Owen tell Tarlos this together?

The fact that the 126 being sabotaged and then the Tarlos condo burning up was because Owen couldn’t contain his boredom. I know that’s an oversimplification but still.

All of this could have been addressed in 2x13, along with where TK and Carlos went after they were cleared by medical, like of course they went back to Owen’s place but the fact that we did not get any scenes of TK and I’m-the-most-polite-person-in-the-world Carlos living with I-have-no-concept-of-personal-space-or-anything-resembling-chill Owen and I’m-actually-a-giant-puppy Mateo, that we got no scenes of those four living together- we were robbed.

Because what did we get instead?

That did not have to happen?

TOMMY’s HUSBAND DID NOT HAVE TO DIE.

I’m sorry, one more time-

CHARLES VEGA DID NOT HAVE TO FUCKING HAVE TO DIE. IT DID NOTHING FOR THE PLOT.

Seriously- there was never a chance that Tommy was going to leave and not be their captain anymore. And honestly, her staying in the job after he had died and she did not have to, does not seem the right decision with the information she lays out!

Because if Charles’ life insurance policy was big enough to support them and she’s in her fifties and is a single mom now to two pre teens, if she did not have to work the why the fuck would she? It seems the wrong choice in that context!

But, but, if they wanted to have Gina Torres be the focus of an episode, if they wanted to make this choice, I think they could’ve done that for the finale.

In 2x13, instead of say having Tarlos on screen for TWENTY GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SECONDS where they’re like “even though our living space and all of our possessions burned up less than twenty four hours ago, we have nothing more pressing to do than wander into our crispy burned up firehouse to play with a half burned foosball table and play some fucking BOGGLE.”

Instead of that, Carlos could’ve dealt with fact that he is having some feelings about what happened and that he doesn’t have these feelings often because he’s Carlos and he keeps it together and is stoic and that didn’t mean he had a fire extinguisher in the room when he needed one. Him and TK could have I don’t know fucking slept or tearfully hugged Carlos’s parents after their son almost died. TK and Owen could have, and this is just spitballing.. HAD AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION. ABOUT ANY OF THE EVENTS THAT TRANSPIRED IN FIRE EPISODE.

LIKE SERIOUSLY. PICK ANY ONE.

I have a feeling that after the first season someone went into the writers room and said “okay, we got a second season, we need less beats of people standing around talking things out. In our ten episodes you notice how often our characters just… talk to each other? About what is happening? Yeah that’s gotta stop. We need more people melting from the heat- like we need flesh literally melting off the bone like these people are gas station ribs! We need bombs made of lava to TAKE PEOPLE OUT. We need people catching themselves on FIRE”.

I would like to find that person and take them to task. Because there are so many things that happened in 2x12 that should have been talked about that just…weren’t.

What they could have done is have Charles have a health episode and then in the 2x14 Tommy could worry about his health opening the restaurant and then she could do the whole should I be working? Thing and then decided she wanted to keep her job and Charles would still be alive.

And Billy Tyson- Jesus fucking Christ.

Like again, the firehouse being threatened with closure, that is a good plot point, and it’s the end of season 2, it makes sense. But this could have done without Billy Tyson.

Like yes I know technically he just helped Owen but it’s like Owen- STOP TELLING BILLY THINGS. I really feel this is something literally anyone could have told Owen if this is still a show where people talked to each other.

And that is just some petty shit that Owen turns down the job and the deputy chief gives the job to Billy and is like “and now we’re going to close his firehouse- WITH HIS OWN BUDGET! MUHUHUHUHAHAHA!”

I’m sorry if this made no coherent sense, I was just watching the last three episodes in the second season like what the actual fuck????

Like y’all made me love these characters and then this is how you treat them?!?!

For real- in the season 2 finale, literally all Carlos did was raise his eyebrows like “why y’all like this?” while the 126 told him about Matteo’s temporary Captain almost dying- that’s all he did. In the whole episode.

And he won over Tommy’s daughters and that was cute.

But you know who should have been there?

Charles Vega-

THATS WHO.

#no i will not stop bringing that up #still salty #charles vega #should not have died #neither should gwyn #911 lone star #911lonestaredit #owen strand #carlos reyes #tk strand #tarlos #tk and carlos #tommy vega #billy tyson

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charbunnies · 2 years

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRIMMY MY GOOD FRIEND GRIMMY you should talk about your unhinged ff7 au

OUHH MIMI MY FRIEND MIMI YOU FOOL. you have opened pandora's box and unleashed the eldritch beast that is my ff7 au. god where do i even start

this is going to end up so long i'm ACTUALLY going to put it under a read more. it's also (mostly) stream of consciousness so sorry if it's a bit disorganized :)

lllllet's see. i'll establish like, baseline weird character relationships because the valentine family is a mess.

here's a family tree to make this more readable LMAO

vincent is the (world's first absent transmasc) father of reno, sephiroth, and aerith. sephiroth is half siblings with reno and aerith but reno and aerith are full siblings. the way that this happens is kind of convoluted because of course it is, nothing with me can ever be easy, but basically: reno eldest brother, sephiroth middle sibling, aerith little sister.

reno is the only one who escaped the vincent experimentation era fucking-up but, yknow, still half ancient. vincent takes lucrecia's place with the mid-pregnancy experimentation thing but like entirely against his will, and also lucrecia is still sephiroth's mother (she and ifalna are both transfem because I SAID SO), so sephiroth's completely unrelated to hojo. but yeah, vincent ended up with jenova cells and monster fuckery and more trauma and it's all fine and good (it's not. sorry vincent)

AERITH ended up especially fucked up, though. not only is she half ancient, she was also born like, YEARS after vincent got fucked up so she's got some of his monster fuckery too (she has a little bunny tail and glowy cat eyes and fangs among other things) and a little bit of jenova cells for good measure. she hears jenova whispers AND the voice of the planet and has learned to deal with that a loooot better than sephiroth did but yknow, still not fun! she hates jenova like crazy <3

reno basically ended up in an orphanage through mysterious circumstances when he was like 2. vincent entrusted him to a friend to look after him for a few weeks while he was out on a mission and came back to find his friend missing and reno with them. oops! so reno grew up in an orphanage in midgar hearing voices and being accidentally gaslit into thinking that the voices of the planet were just his internal monologue. he and rude grew up together in the orphanage and fell in love as they got older :) also when reno meets aerith and talks to her about her ancient stuff (she trusts him a lot) he's like "huh. weird. that sounds like what i have all the time" and she looks at him like he grew another head. he treats her like a little sister long before he knows she's his little sister. they're really close and it makes me wail

as for sephiroth... he's mostly the same, except for having known aerith and ifalna when they were being kept in the shinra labs and having a sibling relationship with aerith when they were both little. he broke ifalna and aerith out of the shinra building when aerith was 7 and she was tormented by having left him behind for the rest of her life until, yknow, *gesturing* they met again. they love each other so much though, even though it's kind of a messy relationship. a really messy relationship

when vincent and aerith meet in shinra manor, he almost immediately recognizes her as his kid (she looks just like ifalna, with vincent's fucked-up-ness) and babies her like crazy in the most vincent-y way. by which i mean lets her hide in his cape and hovers near her and lets her cuddle him despite him not letting hardly anyone else near him. vincent, sephiroth and reno all baby her and she likes it so much (autistic who loves physical affection)

i'm still workshopping whether or not i want ifalna to still be alive, because seb and i have talked about it extensively and i have Feelings about it but also it throws off the timeline a lot so Who Knows! but i'll talk a little about it laaaater :)

i promise this is all important information. it's not really but it's important TO ME. anyway.

this is very close to an everyone lives/no one dies au. zack, aerith and sephiroth all live. as to the circumstances of that, WELL!

zack narrowly survives getting shot a bajillion times because cissnei finds him as he's dying and brings him back to shinra hq just in time for *drum roll* hojo to steal his dying body and stuff him in the drum and keep him in a coma for another two years! cissnei and tifa go on a years-long search for him and come up empty! vincent finds records of him being kept there while sorting through turk documents after advent children (they hired him) and aerith and cloud go break zack out. zack started turning into a mako monster over those last two years from more severe experiments and now he has a big ass tail that he has Mental Trouble about. i will get into him later because ouuhhhhghhghghghg grabs him. chews on him

anyway. aerith lives because she limit breaks when sephiroth stabs her and keeps herself alive. she then proceeds to drag his ass out of the lifestream kicking and screaming by reminding him of their childhood in the shinra labs together and offering to help him. after slapping the shit out of him, of course <3 this was not how i initially intended it to happen HOWEVER mimi and i wrote it so well i felt like i was going to die and therefore i changed it <3

suffice to say, that's why sephiroth lives. aerith rehabilitates him LOL he's extremely fucked up and overprotective of her to the point of practically hissing and spitting when anyone so much as comes within 5 feet of her. he gets over it (somewhat) over time but she has her work cut out for her for real. he's also extremely overprotective of zack but that's later.

i think i need to make a powerpoint about this au actually. that's beside the point. ANYWAY

how long until i start talking about zack, cloud and aerith. not long i think

i will mention genesis first though. they find him around the same time they find zack, stuck in stasis in the basement of the destroyed shinra building, and sephiroth (alongside vincent) goes to get him out. they have some Unfinished Business (by which i mean a bad breakup that destroyed both of them that they REALLY need to resolve) to work through but admittedly they both still love each other and try to work it out. even though. they are both deeply traumatized and socially inept individuals. aerith has to play couples therapist. it's kind of a nightmare and i'm still working out how the hell they end up married but they do! and the remnants are their kids (eventually) :)

oh let me also explain how, like, the ending of ff7 goes because meteor still happens. basically despite the fact that sephiroth gets ripped out of the lifestream and everything, it's after sephiroth gets his hands on the black materia. which means jenova got her hands on the black materia. and essentially in this au jenova just casts meteor her damn self. the final boss then ends up being jenova herself, and midgar ends up destroyed the same way as in the original, but without the plot of advent children afterward because. aerith and sephiroth put together manage to eradicate jenova and therefore. no need for remnants, no geostigma, etc. aerith still summons holy/the lifestream and it eradicates the last of jenova and meteor and everything's (mostly) fine after that.

the two years after that are dedicated to building edge and tying up shinra's thousands of loose ends and trying to restore the area around midgar and just mostly. rebuilding. everyone trying to find or make lives for themselves after everything. i care the most about this part because i enjoy reading about and writing about interpersonal stuff and the struggle of finding a new life in the ashes of an old one and stuff like that. what happens After the hero's journey, yknow.

OKAY. NOW i will allow myself to talk about zack/cloud/aerith because ehhehehhehhe... bisexuals who make me feel insane.

(seb's art refs for them which i stare at lovingly too often <3)

so obviously zack and aerith don't die. which makes everything initially very complicated wrt their relationships with each other and cloud. because zack and aerith were dating prior to zack's disappearance and zack and cloud were like... in the couple of years of pretending like they're just friends and zack openly flirting with cloud and going on dates and stuff and just acting like it's normal bro stuff and it was quickly turning into like, Actual Dating right before nibelheim. (aerith was aware of the fact that zack is poly and is fine with it, no cheating, i hate that and zack would never do that). so both cloud and aerith were in love with zack and didn't know each other at all and cloud forgot all about zack so when they first met they didn't really. have any fucking idea.

and cloud and aerith fell in love because of course they did (wails and wails and wails) and tried to move on for real while zack was "dead". and then cloud remembered. and they had to talk about that LMFAO but it was fine, if anything it just made them closer because it was like "oh. same trauma *handshake*" (despite cloud still having a LOT of mental health issues and only getting worse when he remembered zack and everything that happened with that. he still has a lot of the same problems he has in advent children, just no geostigma and no weird estranged marriage with tifa)

AND THEN. two years after, when aerith and cloud have started building a life together, they find out that zack's NOT dead. that he's actually alive in stasis and he had been right under their noses all this time. and they rush to get him back of course, dropping everything to go break his ass out of the drum, and then... have to figure out the logistics of their relationships all of a sudden. because they were both in love with him. zack was in love with both of them. they have a life set up and zack just woke up after seven years of being in a fucking coma pretty much. so it's. complicated. they settle on just bringing zack into their relationship in general because like. they all still love each other. they intend to work it out.

zack moves in with aerith and cloud in their apartment they set up in edge. he has to take a long period of rehabilitation because 1. mako fucked up, 2. years of muscular atrophy, 3. severe ptsd. he gets like, visibly depressed and has to go to doctors all the time to make sure he's stable and not, yknow, going crazy from mako exposure because, you know, He Has A Tail and they want to monitor him. he has a lot of insecurity issues because he worries he's intruding on aerith and cloud now because they've lived their lives and suddenly he waltzes back in on it (despite the fact that they're both just extremely happy and grateful to have him back at all). he gets better through aerith coaxing him into talking to her and his friendships with tifa and cissnei, but he still has a lot of problems with feeling like a monster and dealing with the trauma of being a child soldier and also being experimented on and losing his formative young adult years (he wakes up and he's twenty fucking five! he was 18!).

he works for tifa at seventh heaven fixing tables and learning bartending from her sometimes. he picks up various skills working with his hands (repairing things, woodworking, metalworking, stuff like that. he makes weird stuff just to have something to do) and also sometimes helps cloud with his delivery service. he helps out at a vehicle repair shop and works on the sds fenrir for cloud when it needs stuff. he has his own motorcycle and he and cissnei go out on rides sometimes and sing bad mid 2000s pop music as loud as they can over the wind. they're best friends btw and mean everything to each other and also to me <3

cloud has his delivery service but isn't so gone-all-the-time about it. he also picks up painting/photography as an outlet and aerith will sit still and let him paint her all the time :) he needs therapy and also to talk about his feelings more so bad but aerith and zack are both like, trying to pry him into talking about it. he's a bit better now that zack's around, but still like, that doesn't solve years of trauma lmfao.

as for aerith, she runs a little flower shop on the ground floor of their apartment building and no one knows how she keeps it so well stocked (cheating with magic <3). she's terrible at cooking, keeps plants everywhere, and loves jokingly ordering her boys around (they'd do it even if she didn't ask). she still wears her ribbon, but she tore it at one point and cloud bought her another ribbon to mend it with, so it's half pink, half green :) cloud and zack keep buying her more ribbons as presents but they sit there collecting dust because she loves her original one so much. wails about them forever and ever

i mentioned earlier that i would talk more about the potential ifalna lives part of this. we talked about her having mostly lost her memory and ending up in cosmo canyon, where she then meets aerith again when the party comes through and regains a lot of her memory over time. she and vincent were married (see: sort of courthouse marriage except it's hardly a legal marriage) prior to her and aerith getting yoinked by shinra so she's like :( "my husband". she joins the party—we discussed her being a dancer/white mage combo type class, so a support party member—and then shortly after, they find vincent in the basement and ifalna's like "MY HUSBAND!!! :)" and aerith is gagging. gentle friendly flower woman ifalna like "this is my husband!" and vincent, scraggly ass ran-over-by-a-car vampire freaklet who sounds like he smokes 10 packs a day standing next to her like "this is my wife" with the smallest smile because he doesn't know how to smile properly. they're cute i like my funny little rarepair

SPEAKING OF RAREPAIR. cissnei/tifa my friends :) the other canon ship in this au. they fall in love while they're spending two years hunting zack down together. lesbian road trip where cissnei tries to get tifa to talk about her problems and accidentally presses the wrong buttons sometimes but then tifa gets scared of ghosts and hides behind cissnei who is smaller and vastly less built than her and cissnei's like "oh. you are so cute". i feel like this is a separate post in and of itself but I Like Them So Much and have been intending to write them for a while

lastly, and on a completely separate note, i wanna talk about cloud and tifa because ouhhh they make me insane.

in my au, they were not even close to friends as kids. they in fact didn't really like each other at all. like, neighbor who kind of annoys you but who you've spoken to a total of like 10 times and not for very long. there wasn't the weird crush thing, cloud just kept to himself and tifa had her little friend group and they were both fine with that.

fast forward to the beginning of ff7 when tifa finds him fucked up at the train station. she looks at him and sees an opportunity: someone else from nibelheim, who can vouch for its prior existence, who can relate to her suffering with trying to cope with shinra covering up what happened to nibelheim. she wants someone who will give her a shoulder to lean on, someone who she can talk to, someone who experienced the same thing as her. but then cloud starts saying things that aren't true, things he shouldn't know, starts casting doubt on her memories of the story of what happened. and so they start fighting. constantly. they fight like cats and dogs and barret has to break them up and scold them like children. tifa gets mad at cloud for telling the wrong story (accuses him of lying A Lot), cloud gets mad at tifa for getting mad at him and because he doesn't understand, and it's just a downward spiral. it gets to the point where they can hardly be in the same room as each other.

it isn't until they go to gongaga that tifa realizes that there's just something Really Wrong with cloud. it's not that he's lying, it's that he genuinely has a memory problem. when he says he doesn't remember zack when the story he's telling is exactly what happened with zack, tifa gets pissed, but then when cloud comes up to talk to her and there is GENUINE confusion in his eyes, she stops being mad at him and instead just pities him. she feels bad for him. and she starts acting like a big sister, protecting him when he gets in hot water. she lets him do whatever, knows he can mostly handle himself, but if he gets into a fight with a guy way bigger than him, she'll step in the way and kick the guy's ass.

by the end of the og ff7 story, they're inseparably close best friends, going from nearly tearing each other to shreds to sleeping on each other's shoulders and saying that as long as they have each other, they'll be okay. it makes me sob for real. it's worse in the "zack and aerith actually die" version of this because it turns into them thinking that the next logical thing is for them to get married because they're the most important people to each other that they have left, but then they grow to hate each other from trying to love each other in a way that isn't right for them. and just end up divorced and miserable. and it makes me extremely sad. i think about it so much. i think about cloud and tifa in my au for too long and i explode

OKAY I THINK THAT'S EVERYTHING... or maybe not everything but a lot of it. most of it. i love this au so much it makes me sooooooooooo insane <3 the weirdest part about it is definitely the valentine family dynamic but you'll just have to accept this about me that i like mashing characters together that shouldn't ever really be in that kind of dynamic and making it fun. my crossover ship days will never truly leave me

if anyone actually reads all of that i hope you like my meowmeows <3 i put all of them in my mouth and chew on them like bubblegum

#this is 3k words of brain spaghetti please enjoy #someday i'll take all this and make it at all organized but not today #grim ff7 au #<- tag so i can find this later #grim.txt

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strooples · 2 years

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Just a curious topic I’ve been sifting through my head, but within AND outside of animation/cartoon hobbies, I feel like I sift through interests and burn out fast! A bit too fast.

Like for manga, I would be enjoying one but suddenly lose motivation to continue for some reason. I’d tell myself to finish it to know what happens (though by then I’ve probably skipped to the end/searched up what happens/interact with fan content that already memes + analyzes the results). The idea of continuing/starting again/looking at how much is left/finishing is super super hard for me. I’d feel a massive mental block and pretty much tune out. It feels easy to have a specific and intense hyperfixation (on any character, story, or niche aspect of a story), but equally easy to suddenly lose interest for no reason. And I always wondered how much of that correlates with ADHD. IRL I have issues with executive function in general (starting, maintaining, and finishing tasks + splitting up information in my head). So for my daily responsibilities, getting stuff done is such a huge mess. But even things I love are things that sometimes feel impossible to focus on… even things I WANT to do.

Of course, I love seeing fan content such as art, character analysis, headcanons, and theories (especially theories!!! like oml they’re just so interesting???). I also love some of the passionate interactions even if some people IRL don’t get it (I personally think doing so is a thing of passion and have found comfort + humor + critical thinking challenges + interesting people in a lot of communities). But the issue stems when it’s the ACTUAL STORY… I can’t stay focused on particular shows, readings, or games outside of discussion :’).

A good example is Ace Attorney, which my SO introduced to me a little over a year ago. I love scrolling this website for AA stuff because the memes are top notch and there’s an abundance of fun things. I basically spoiled myself a huge chunk on all the games to come after the 1st. Last we left off, I was on the 2nd game. Yet I can’t make myself sit down and finish the game??? Even if I love all the things that happens after the 1st game, the interesting new characters, a lot of the cases to come (etc.).

So now I am wondering… does attention span issues tend to make you guys pander in and out of stories/games too?

(And sorry if this got a bit rambly and my thoughts seem disorganized!!)

#thoughts #adhd #i primarily mention my cartoon hobbies bc that’s sorta the theme of this blog #but the same goes with every other interest in my life #bc besides drawing and stories #i’m also massively into lots of humanities and psych/social sciences stuff #and it’s the same story -#what with the intense fixation on one topic #that it becomes all i can talk about within a short period of a few weeks/a couple of months at most #for it to disappear one day out of thin air #seemingly for no reason!

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neko-rogers · 4 years

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But It’s Better If You Do

Trying to keep your relationship with your professor was easy enough, until you learned that someone had found out about it.

words: 7,424 tags: manipulative!peter, explicit noncon/dubcon elements, degredation, implied overstimulation, blackmailing, kidnapping, college student and professor relationship,

a/n: whew this had a lot of words compared to what i usually write. plus, since im bad at titles, i’ll just use my fav song titles lmao. (ps. erik lehnsherr aka magneto is here and im just glad i could put him in my little fictional world bc im d biggest slut for him)

A complete lie, you just did not want to deal with college fuck boys.

The man in front of the class was practically pouring his heart out into the lecture. The chalkboard was filled with white letterings from left to right, not knowing where to start as you take down notes.

“It is important to keep in mind that bimolecular structure and function are dictated by the properties of the medium in which they are dissolved,” your professor explains while continually pacing from one end to the other among the students seated at the first row.

You decided to seat around the middle to the last row, knowing it was the least obvious way for other students in the class to notice how much you fawn over your Organic Chemistry professor rather than the subject itself.

Honestly you could listen to him talk for hours. All those information he had been discussing would not actually process through your thoughts. You knew that better than anyone.

But who honestly would invalidate your reason? Everyone can probably relate to hating Chemistry, no matter what subcategory it is.

Considering that this was probably one of the most difficult courses you had in your program. You were just thankful and lucky enough you landed on one of the hottest professors amongst the campus.

“Hey what did Professor Lehnsherr say about the problems during synthesis of proteins?” Peter asks.

In spite of being fortunate about everything else about this subject, you were not quite happy about Peter Parker following you around like a lost puppy. Especially during the classes you both have alike.

The boy constantly asks so much questions as if you were the teacher already. In addition, he seemed smart enough to figure things out yet somehow he keeps on bugging you for reassurance.

You did not want to be rude. He has not done anything to completely deserve your rage, however he was definitely getting on your nerves.

Honestly you would not want to be infuriated over his consistent queries, but you were just as distracted as he was, maybe even more. With this, you were looking dumber to him each day.

To anyones pride, it was probably a kick in the stomach. You knew you were not the brightest in this class, but it was best to leave the information to yourself. No need for anyone to point out how mindless you were.

And you really were not. You had other Science subjects you totally excel at. Sadly, Chemistry was just not one of them.

“Well, uh, I don’t think I got that part either.” You look aside where he was seated and awkwardly smiled at him before mentioning an apology, “Sorry, Peter.”

In return, Peter smiled at you and dismissed the question. You were not so sure whether to forget about it or take even the least bit of offense. You felt a little mocked by how easily he did it and innocently he smiled, but maybe you were just overthinking this through.

“It’s fine,” he tells. “I just didn’t get the third bullet, but I’ll try to review it in the textbook when I get home.”

“Oh okay, sure.”

“Speaking about reviewing,” Again, Peter tries to start another discourse.

“I was wondering if you got reviewers for the upcoming text for next week? We all know how difficult Professor Lehnsherr’s exams can get, right?” He lets out a forced chuckle, assuming it could lighten the mood.

As much as he tried to make small talks with you, almost everyday, today you really feel like you did not want to return the favor. Especially after having to bring up the test next week.

“I don’t really make reviewers, I usually just scan the books I have at home.”

Lies. You probably have a box full of index cards and sticky notes in your room.

You tried to use every studying tips every corner of the Internet could give. All those study-life hacks that really did not help much but pile up to your disorganized state of mind.

You fucking tried to study Chemistry. You really did.

“What, you don’t?!” He suddenly exclaims, not realizing the loudness of his voice as it almost caught the attention from people at front. “You seem to be busy all the time though. It’s like I always catch your writing or reading something in class.”

Maybe your mood was just off but it definitely seemed weird for him to say that. Though, you did not want to make something from what he said. It was not worth your time.

“I guess people are not always what they seem to be, yeah?”

Again, Peter gives out that soft chuckle and smile, “Then I guess so. You do make a point.”

He does not argue with you any further.

“Can I at least borrow your Physics book? I only bought Chemistry and Biotech for the semester. Didn’t know they would actually utilize it for once,” he scoffs.

At first you hesitated. You were reviewing for it too, but you already felt bad for being no help whenever he asks a question and often times disregarding him when your mood if off. Plus, you did just make it look like you were not much of a study-freak.

“Okay.”

He instinctively fist pumps the air and looks at you with a wide, grateful grin. “Thank you so much. You’re a lifesaver, Y/N.”

“Don’t mention it.” You grab the book he needs from your bag and hands it to him. He accepts it and places it inside his while also clearing the rest of his things.

Looking at his digital wristwatch wherein he raised his index finger up as if he figured something out of it, he says, “He’s going to dismiss the class in a few minutes. We should get ready for Cell Biology next period.

Oh how you hated it. Were you jumping to conclusions? Or was this boy really trying to be too close with you? Or was he just being nice and informing you to prepare ahead?

God, you did not give Peter Parker the right to cloud up your thoughts like this.

“Thanks,” you say, “but I need to talk to Professor Lehnsherr after class. Have to, uh, consult him about my concept paper that he made us submit last week.”

As he tidies his notebooks up and carelessly shoves it inside his backpack, he immediately looks back at you with a confused expression, “Oh, I can always wait for you–”

“It’s fine, Peter. Thank you though.” Two of your hands were instinctively waving in front of you, a meek gesture for him to stop coddling you or whatever move he had been trying to make at you.

“Are you sure? I–”

And if you were ought to be saved further from lashing out over Peter’s incessant attempts, you finally heard the words any student was longing to hear. “Class dismissed. I’ll see you all on Monday.”

“Eri–err, Professor Lensherr just dismissed the class. Better catch up to him before he heads out,” you hurriedly said. And with a loud slam from your notebook, you quickly shut him out. In addition, you practically shoved every thing in front of you into your bag without sparing a second glance.

One strap of your back was slung over your shoulder as you hurriedly flew down the aisle. Professor Lehnsherr was midway into packing his things before you interrupted and approached him.

“Professor,” you call out. “I have a question. About the paper I handed in last week.”

“Uhuh.” He faintly furrows his eyebrows, trying to hide his already obvious bewilderment. “I forgot which assignment was that, Ms. Y/L/N.”

There were students still exiting in class. So you tried your best to make your conversation with him less suspicious. He was most likely doing the same.

“It was about the Chemistry-proposal thing.” You snapped your fingers a few times as you gathered your train of thought, but realizing it was not going effectively. “Well I just wanted to confirm it since, you know, I was hoping for any feedback from you throughout this week.”

“I’m not sure if I have read it. I’ve certainly been busy this week,” he clarifies. “Nonetheless, we can talk about it later. Thank you for bringing it up. I’ll make sure to follow it up in my schedule, Ms. Y/N.”

Both of you made your way out the door once there were only a minuscule amount of students left in class. You probably had been looking at your professor with gushing stares, but you doubt the other people in the room could notice it. They were farther away from where both of you stood, much less would they be able to hear what the two of your were talking about.

“Oh thank you so much, sir!” You almost cried out and jumped in joy while reaching through the threshold. Moreover, you composed yourself before mumbling out, “I’ll see you later, Eric.”

In which you were certain no one would have heard it besides him.

.・゜-: ✧ :-　　-: ✧ :-゜・．

“I’m sure you’ll get a good grade in the exams, Y/N,” Eric leans back to his seat with a humble smile upon his face.

“Really? I doubt so, there’s a kid in your class that keeps bugging me out to a study date, or whatever you call it,” you sneer. You lick your lips as you finish taking a sip around the wine glass, setting it down and looking back at the man you were having dinner with. “It’s getting very annoying though, he surely knows how to get on my nerves.”

“I’m sure he’s just trying to flirt with you, like any other college boys do.” He optimistically and maturely lays out the options. “It’s pretty normal for anyone to chase someone they are fond of, especially for young adults like you.”

It was a pretty obvious sign that he was trying to let his message reach you.

“Well, I apologize for my standards of men,” you say. “I just want to skip the whole heartbreak in college and character development. All that stuff you usually see in a typical teen romance movie.”

You sigh, looking down and saying, “I already found a man for me. Why would I stoop down for some guy who’s most likely wanting something from me, and dumping me once he got what he wanted.”

“Y/N, I don’t blame you for liking men that’s ten years older than you,” Eric assures. “But I want you to realize that you still have a lot to look forward after graduating

“And I look forward for you too!” You tried to not raise your voice, though having dinner in his house wouldn’t really catch anyones attention. “I can’t wait to finally graduate from second semester and be able to spend more time, publicly, with you.”

“Yes, I understand, honey.” He places his hand over yours as he tries to calm you down. “Like I said, I just want you to make sure that you’ve clearly thought this through.”

Eric adds, “There’s plenty of men out there. I don’t want to take away your opportunity of experiencing something new at such a young age.”

“I’m turning twenty-four! I promise you I’m thinking everything through.” Your voice was much weaker than a few seconds ago. The evident tone of strength fades even with one glance from the man in front of you. You felt yourself shrink in your seat. But you were sure he does not intend to frighten you into compliance.

“Sorry,” you pout. “Didn’t mean to raise my voice.”

“I understand, and I won’t pressure you any more tonight, okay?” He tries to uplift your mood, detecting quickly the shift of the room’s atmosphere. “You deserve a good dinner tonight, like I promised, sweetie.”

His smile made you calmer. It was then that you realized why you were attracted to a man like him even if he was still your teacher.

The way he handles you in any given situation so sensibly. Though it may feels intimidating at first, he consequently tries to override the tone of the conversation which cheers you up.

With one hand, he hold yours and gently draws it towards him at the same moment he leans his head down. Eric presses a kiss against the back of your hand and you butterflies immediately fill inside your stomach. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Every doubt you had entirely disappeared now. If there were hints of you hesitating to continue seeing Eric, they were certainly long gone now.

“Let me drive you home after dinner,” he offers, like the gentleman he is.

Eric always does make sure you get home safe. However, you both agreed that he drops you off at least a block away from your house. Just in case people around your neighborhood might catch you, or worse your parents.

It was not like you were ashamed of your relationship with Eric. Cautious was the term.

You were only a few months in seeing him. Fair enough, he was your second semester professor and the both of you met before that period.

You were not only risking the wrath of your parents once they hear you’re dating an older man, let alone your Chemistry teacher. But you were also putting him at risk if ever his faculty finds out.

Eventually, the two of you pack up and end your conversation. Other than talking about college, the two of you also talk more about yourselves which has progressed you into learning more about each other’s personalities and likes.

He helps you out of his house and into the passenger seat of his car. It had been more than thrice wherein he drove you home, and the familiar scent of leather and the typical Glad air fresheners has clung onto your nose. You strap on your seatbelt on just as he was getting inside the driver’s side.

The ride was not entirely dead silent. Eric made a few more small talks before finally turning a right which was where he usually drops you off. It amazes you how instantly he remembered the way to your home, as you instructed him the first time.

“Thank you for tonight, like always, Eric.”

As always, you made your way out of his car prior to giving him a kiss. You only had to walk straight ahead, glancing at your home which had one dim light illuminating through one window.

Upon entering the house, you figured your parents were already asleep and a hint of the living room lamp was present. Taking the benefit of not having to be interrogated by anyone, you rushed upstairs to your bedroom, turned on the lights, and immediately closed the door behind you with a sigh of relief. A smile was also visible after recalling your night with Eric.

As you made your way towards your bed, a piece of paper lays obvious in the middle of it. Your sheets were flattened and tidied, so you could obviously detect when something is placed on top of it. You have no memory of leaving it early in the morning before you left too.

When picking the paper up, you realized it was a piece of polaroid film. Its back was facing you, having no idea what to expect at the front.

At that point, the smile from your face turned into horror and all the color in you basically drained away.

The picture displayed you and Eric at one dinner night out from a few days ago, you still remember. It could have been anything but malicious, but the way his hand was intertwined with yours as both of you laugh away without worries. It was clear as day, the light shining perfectly at the both of you. Anyone can conclude what was happening in the picture.

You did not know this day would come. The picture was taken from Eric’s home to prevent such things like this from happening. So it puzzled you just as much at it terrified you.

This was definitely someone who had been stalking either one of you. It was not a mere instance like paparazzis who catch celebrities dating on the streets of New York.

Someone definitely have been observing the two of you.

.・゜-: ✧ :-　　-: ✧ :-゜・．

Days have passed, a week almost. Examinations are scheduled for tomorrow.

And you prayed that the picture you received would be the only thing terrorizing your dreams. But you were completely wrong.

From thereon, you started to receive more pictures, specifically one every morning and night, from your past hangouts with Eric. It were simple shots but had the power to completely jeopardize either one of you, mostly him at stake though.

It was obvious that the person behind this was definitely observing the two of you for a while. Probably even during the most earliest weeks when your relationship with him started.

Though it may seem unfair, you did not mention anything about it to Eric. It was enough the he was keeping with you, his job, and himself private – which clearly was not working out so well. You felt like it was your responsibility to handle this situation. You were so sure you did not try to publicize anything and kept it on the low.

Nevertheless, it was out there. Eric had not mentioned anything so you assumed he did not receive a picture like you did.

Currently, you were seated at the farthest row at the back of the room, somewhat near the corner. Physics was your last subject and you could not wait but finally leave.

In addition, you texted Eric that you would not be seeing him until after the exams. It was an easy excuse not to see him, saying that you wanted to focus on studying for it; however, you knew that you would just be busy thinking about the creepy stalker gallery you have been receiving.

“Hey.” Unsurprisingly, a familiar voice whispers next to you which disrupts your heavy train of thoughts. “You finished studying for tomorrow? I’m about to end my review with Chemistry later.”

“Cool.” Probably the one of the most basic replies in the universe. “I haven’t finished studying, I’m kind of dealing with a lot of things recently.”

You made sure to generalize your answer, but enough for him to sympathize and at least give you some space.

“Oh, sorry to hear about that.” Peter frowns. He takes his seat a few desks away from your left, leaving you to continue thinking. You were thankful for his gesture too.

Surprisingly enough the boy barely bothered you for the entire lecture. You were still engrossed on finding out whoever was stalking you, even so dating back to boys you evidently rejected during the first semester – who badmouthed you immediately afterwards. There were not a lot of names, so it was easy to remember who was who.

You traced back to each boy and remembered what they said after you told them you were not ready to enter a relationship – a complete lie, you just did not want to deal with college fuck boys.

Just as you expected from any of them, rumors have spread out about you which was mostly shaming you physically or mentally. Some were milder insults than the other yet at the end of the day you did not care.

“Fuck,” you whisper to yourself. “Who was that boy at Liz’s party.”

Your eyes were sealed shut, recalling a list of names while using your thumb and middle finger to massage your temples. It was getting frustrating and mentally exhausting.

After some time, you had so much word filling in and our of your brain that you were not aware that your own name was being called. Your heart practically skipped a beat after hearing it the first time, assuming that you were being called to recite an answer. But you became content after seeing that it was just Peter, who started tapping your arm to get your attention.

“Huh?” You lightly shake your head before turning your head aside.

“Oh, class was dismissed a few minutes earlier than usual–”

“Don’t forget to answer the assignment regarding thermodynamic concepts found it the book. You’ll hand it in immediately on Wednesday.” The professor addresses the class as they were already carrying their bags and themselves out the room.

You start placing your stationeries inside yours, packing your other things up until it was only a pair of earphones and your phone left in front. Peter stood near the aisle while looking at you just as you were zipping your bag shut.

“Oh shoot, I’m so sorry, Y/N,” he states out of nowhere causing you to furrow your eyebrows at him. “I forgot I still haven’t returned your Physics book I borrowed last week.”

Nodding your head and standing up, you shrug it off. “It’s fine. You can return it tomorrow.”

“Sure, but how will you do your Physics assignment?”

Oh yeah. Your professor literally reminded the class a few seconds ago.

“I think I might be able to do it overnight. How many pages is the task?”

“Eight, or nine I think.” He frowns looking very guilty at you.

“Shit,” you swore. That was a lot of pages than the usual assignments given.

“Yeah, professor said it could help add points if you somehow get a bad grade at the tests.”

“Never mind,” you tried to set his mistake aside. “I’ll try to do it within overnight tomorrow. I can ask for help from my friend tomorrow morning and–”

“Wait! I realized you can stop by my apartment to get it.”

“Oh–er, Peter, I don’t think I have time to–

“It’s just nearby the campus, I promise,” he assures and adds, “it wouldn’t be a hassle, it’s probably on your way home anyway so it won’t make a difference.”

“Uhm.” You were doubtful of him.

However, you did realize that you did not have anything to do after class. You were keeping distance with Eric for the meantime which meant that your schedule was mostly vacant after this.

“Please,” he begs, “I feel so bad for keeping it the whole week. I swear it’s like a few blocks from here.”

“Would it take more than twenty minutes?” You purse your lips, convincing yourself that you would rather force yourself to study at home than spend it at someone’s apartment.

“I only take around ten minutes to walk so,” he answers. “Unless you’re a slow walker, of course.” The tone of his voice seeming to be joking.

Again, he pleads. This kid will not fucking budge.

“Fine,” you blurt out. Though, you realized your sudden-almost lash out moment at the boy that you made sure to reiterate it but slower, “I mean, sure. I can stop by your apartment to pick up my book.”

An awaited smile and sense of agreement washes over you.

Peter then leads the way as you walked behind him, maintaining a short distance so people would not throw out any suspicious looks. Like in every college, everyone knows just how fast gossips formulate and rumors spread.

If you think about it though, it might avert anyone’s suspicion – mainly pertaining to your creepy stalker – with you and your Professor. But you were not prepared for that yet, maybe some time when you can finally think about its consequences through.

True to his word, as the both of you exited the campus, it took a short time before the boy in front of you told that you were about to enter through the entrance to the building of his apartment. You were not so sure if it was really a momentary walk or because you were so focused on thinking and keeping a distance.

At some points he did often look back in case you got lost from following him. Plus, like always, he asked you simple questions either about your day or your subjects to make small talk. In which case, you were barely answering him but definitely progressed compared to when he attempted for previous times during class.

In addition, as the two of you walked down the block, the number of faces you could only assume was in college decreased. Meaning that the glares at you eased up.

“Well, here’s my location.” A loud huff follows as he uses a key to unlock the door for the entrance to the building, “It wasn’t that far, was it?”

“Yeah, I guess it wasn’t that far.” You agree as he holds the door for you and then walks right after you.

As Peter leads you upstairs onto around the fourth level, he proceeds to walk along the corridors. The array of same beige colored doors with small golden indents of unit numbers paraded along it too. Eventually he stops and inserts a key into the lock, twisting it until hearing the unlocking sound.

For a moment you hesitated to follow him. You just wanted your book and you were sure he can give it to you on a shorter span than your walk from campus to here. Was it that troublesome?

Entering his complex, you discovered how minimalistic it looked. To be fair it seemed quite small, the living room instantly greeting you through the entrance and a kitchenette at the side. But since his things were tidied up, it looked roomy.

You instinctively close the door behind you, slightly aware that it did not create a locking sound. Following Peter, you took a few more steps until you stood still at the passageway between his living room and entryway.

“Do you want a drink?” Peter asks.

“No thank you.” You were still trying to subtle. “I just want my Physics book, Peter. Please?”

He looked at you and paused for a split second. You could feel the frown behind the expressionless look. “Yeah. Okay. Sure,” he nods for a few times before turning around and proceeding to a seemingly narrow hallway. “I’ll get it in my room. Be back in a second.”

Your feet faintly paced back and forth, still where you stood a few meters between the entrance and living room. After a few more minutes, Peter emerges carrying the familiar book with one hand.

He approaches you within a few stops but stops in his tracks, leaving a distance from you. “Well uh,” he starts as his chin was tucked.

“I just want to tell you something before I hand you back your book.” He looks up at you with really pleading eyes. During other instances in university, you were definitely familiar with that look. However, this one probably ranked as one of the most downhearted ones.

You did not want to feel regretful for him. Though it definitely feels like you just kicked a puppy.

“Was is it?”

“I love you,” he blurts out as his face goes back from hiding and looking down.

It seemed awkward. You were somewhat expecting it, but you were also hoping that this day would not come – or not at least until you graduate and leave the university.

“Oh.” You honestly did not want to react.

Were you going to say sorry? How about thank you? Would it be better if you said you did not like him back? Or will the best response be that you are already taken?

“Peter, I–”

“Are you really dating Eric?” He shots up with eyes appearing almost teary.

What. The. Fuck.

“No,” you mutter. It was not much of an answer to his question. It was more on being quite horrified as your mind started jumping to conclusions.

The amount of things running around your mind right now was immeasurable.

Firstly, anyone could make two and two out of what he said, especially knowing that no one knows it even so around your circle of friends.

Secondly, you should have thought better. Your doubts with Peter should have been grater and you totally underestimated him. However, some part of you prayed that he was just an annoyingly awkward nerd who follows his friends regarding flirting tips.

Lastly, you turned around and ran.

You probably got your way with opening the door and taking two steps out. It was not long before you felt arms wrap around your waist and either side of your arms. You were then lifted and pulled behind while you tried to kick at the air as an escape. Did not work though.

Peter was surprisingly stronger than you thought. He already seemed fairly muscular at class, hiding behind those long sleeved sweaters and flannels.

Eventually the last thing you remember was the image of the door of his apartment open while you get sucked into the room further. Everything went black afterwards.

.・゜-: ✧ :-　　-: ✧ :-゜・．

When you felt that you were slowly restoring to consciousness, you were aware of the pounding at the back of your head and your arms.

You tried to move your hands, wanting to press against the parts of your body that were aching. But you felt incapacitated as your wriggled your wrists around and felt an unfamiliar sticky fluid enveloping around them.

“Glad you’re awake,” a voice says. “Does your head hurt?”

You tried to open your eyes, the dark lighting of the room not cooperating with your vision. A light from the window and a lamp were the only things that helped you form something out of the void.

From there you saw Peter Parker sitting closely beside you at the edge of the bed.

Hell please let this be a nightmare.

“What–” You groan, “What do you want from me.”

Your mind was building up your anger yet your body says otherwise. You felt exhausted and heavy.

Peter shushed you in a caring manner, “We’ll talk when you feel better. I’ll let you get more rest okay, sweetie?”

“Uhh.”

That was what you could remember the most. If you have awoken for other times in between your sleep, then you surely did not have an idea of it.

When you finally woke up, the level of your grogginess felt little to none already. You looked around and saw that the room was still dark and seemingly still nighttime.

As your head was twisting from side to side, you saw Peter appear from the doorway carrying a translucent cup filled with water in one hand. “Hey, you’re finally awake.”

Instead of replying to him, your wrists writhe beneath the fluid that you are still not familiar of. You could not really look up to get a good view of what it was, but it was wet, sticky, and felt like super glue.

On the other hand, both your legs, ankles, and feet were free. The back of your thighs bounced against the bed as you struggled, but it would not do much since your arms were practically stuck.

“Fuck,” you grumble.

“That won’t help. You’re pretty much stuck there,” he says, Then he takes a seat at the edge of the bed, alike where you remembered him positioned from earlier, “Might as well talk to me until I let you go.”

“Okay then, when will you let me go?” Your voice was calm hoping you could talk your way out of this mess.

“If you behave for me like a good girl, okay?”

Shivers went up your spine as you cringed at his statement.

Immediately, your mood shifts from calm to furious after hearing his disturbing bargain. Then purposely rolling your eyes for him to see. “How the hell will I behave if you’re a creepy stalker! You disgust me!”

Peter hums, displaying a look wherein he seems like he was thinking. You were not sure if it was sarcastic or not, either way it annoyed the hell out of you. “Creepy stalker sounds overstated, it was more on being curious.”

You scoff as well as exclaim, “You sent me photographs of me and Eric at his house! Fucking hell, Peter.”

“Oh yeah that part.” He slyly pouts his lips to the side as he comes to realize what he had done, “I guess it was a bit creepy–” “What do you mean a bit? That was invasion of privacy!”

Despite being trapped, both your hands balled into a fist, feeling very furious at his dense answers. “I was living my own life! I kept my relationships to myself,” you cry out.

“Yes, but you weren’t completely living your life,” he whispers while gently combing his hair through the front of your hair. “You deserve much more than someone who couldn’t proudly tell that you’re his girl. Is he even a man? Do you really enjoy that kind of life, sweetie?”

“We were happy,” you weep. The evident crack on your voice was a signal that you were about to cry though you were not sure if it was because you were held hostage or because you were worried for Eric.

No one would understand your situation with him right now. Especially Peter.

“Trust me you weren’t,” he scoffs. “You deserve so much more, and I can give you that.”

“I’d rather be alone forever than be with you, asshole!” Your voice was inconsistent, clearly affected by how fast Peter’s mood also shifts quickly.

You also figured you were not looking entirely fresh while crumbling beneath him. Drops of tears and sweat were all over your face and neck, both your eyelids felt swollen, and your nose was almost stuffed.

Peter stand from the edge of the bed and advances to his desk from the side. A harsh bang echoed throughout the room as your body twitched out of shock.

“What does that dick have that I don’t?!” He grits his teeth as the curves of his jaw intensifies. A displeased look was written all over his face.

“P-please let me go.”

“I need you to answer, sweetie. We going nowhere unless you answer!” He was never going to let you go if you were not going to cooperate.

Every step he takes closer back to the bed just increases your heart beat further. He had rolled the sleeves of his sweater up to the edge of his elbows and you felt threatened looking at how firm his arms looked.

“Peter, p-please,” you hiccup.

As Peter returns to the edge of the bed, he does not hesitate anymore to keep a distance. His hands hover to either sides over your body and sets the left side of his head on your midriff, laying while also getting a good view of your vulnerable state.

He does not even look life he was struggling to make an effort to keep you down, but you could feel how heavy he was and was barely giving you a chance to move around.

“I can give you so much more, Y/N.” The way his gaze directs at you was definitely one of the creepiest things you have experienced. He had so much emotions yet completely lacked sympathy for your state of mind.

Shutting your eyes, you only cried further. You felt a hand cup one of your cheeks as its thumb wipes away the pouring tears. Like a broken record, you only pleaded more, “Please let me go.”

“I can’t.”

“Why.” You bawled, realizing he has no plans of releasing you anytime soon despite it. “I won’t tell anyone about this, I p-promise.”

“I know that,” he says, “but you’re going to run back to Eric, probably tell him too, right?”

You did not want to answer, merely shaking your head as you resisted a cry from your lips. It was somewhat what you had planned, but now you were just scared shitless.

“You won’t tell anyone but him cause no one knows about it other than you two, right?” He corners your words.

“Eric would lose his job if someone, especially your parents find out, right?” Hell he was correct. He most likely had been stalking you for so long to find out about it.

“You love him so much, you wouldn’t want to hinde

It was terrifying that someone had been learning about you and your life for a while without your awareness.

“Please stop. What do you want... money?” you whimper.

Peter did not seem likes normal college boy; he does not think like one, too, for sure. Anyone with a right mind would not do something like what he did. No one would have the guts to do so.

“I just want you, Y/N. I want to give you what you deserve,” Peter answers as he sits up and leans his face closer to yours. His mouth leaves a small gap from your right ear as he whispers, “Let me make you feel good.”

“No–”

He cuts off your plea with a proposition, “If you let me, I might consider letting you free.”

“You want that, right? Want me to let you go...” His hand combs through the other side of your face, “just let me show you that I can do way better than him.”

Every ounce of your blood was trying not to give in. You were smart, you ought to find a way out of this. However, you realized that it will not be enough. You already struggled so much from the super glue around your wrists and you could not imagine how much more would it take now that Peter was on top of you.

Eventually you stopped struggling and let him be. There was no way out of this than to let him do what he pleases.

You feel his lips press against your ear first and then progresses over your cheek. His grip around your arms loosen after detecting that you stopped struggling beneath him. You could feel him smile on your skin, “That’s it, relax for me. Good girl.”

His hand reaches to undo your pants as his lips drifted on yours to force their way on making out with you. Another hand then presses under your jaw and throat. “P-Peter,” you choke, feeling lightheaded after being unable to breath properly though your mouth until the grip had loosen.

“Sorry, babe.”

He soon descends from your face to your neck and collar region. You were so sure he was leaving marks on you as you felt him suck and nibble against your skin. Like a controlling asshole he was, you expect to see bruises on your skin by tomorrow.

Despite having your hands fastened, he still moves your shirt upwards past your head. It halts and hands loosely around your arms as you emerge topless beneath the boy.

“Fucking beautiful,” Peter compliments your body under his breath.

Although he seemed to have time on his hands, he does not leave a second wasted. He also goes to haul your pants past your legs and ankles. The growing look of impatience on his face says it all.

Peter moves from your side and welcomes himself between your legs. He spreads them out to have enough space for his body and you could not feel more embarrassed than this.

You grit your teeth over each other as you felt him press fingers against your cunt. Instinctively, you clench around nothing as he continues to play with your entrance, making sure you get entirely soaked under his touch.

“You know you shouldn’t hold back. I know you’re loving it so far, your body says otherwise,” he teases before laying on his stomach and moving his head closer to your pussy.

Without a warning, he licks a strip of you making the back of your thighs quake lightly. Peter senses your reaction and continues to do so, using his tongue to play around and poke inside of you until you were slowly giving in without even realizing it.

Just as you thought you were getting used to his actions, he then inserts fingers inside you, feeling your warmth around it as he pushes it in and out.

“Oh,” you moan.

He continues, making sure he also does not leave your bud of nerves behind. The tip of his fingers and tongue alternate on playing against it, making you throw back your head out of pleasure.

“I bet he doesn’t please you like this,” he scoffs.

Eventually, at your vulnerable state, you could already feel yourself closing to an orgasm. Your toes curled as your temples throbbed, sealing your eyes shut as you accepted on giving in.

You bit onto your lower lip, trying to resist a moan. Somewhere inside you, you were still trying to fight back and not let Peter have the satisfaction he had been craving.

“You’re being so tight... Just let it out.” He coaxes and you hate how you did what he told you so.

The extensive grin on his face seemed priceless. He pulled back and you were aware that you seemed exhausted beneath him. You assumed he was done with whatever he wanted to do with you.

But when he started to take off his sweater and unbutton his pants, you realized it was far from over.

As he presents himself just as naked in front of you, he again welcomes himself between your legs. This time you get a better view of him and his muscles and abs. He gets a good view of your body too for sure as his hand reaches to start stroking his dick.

He places one hand on your thigh and pushes it farther to give him more room. Finally, he inserts in inside you and you automatically felt him throbbing between.

There was a growing heat between the both of you, and it only intensified as Peter started to thrust his hips forward and backwards. There was not even a rhythm from him as he moves harder after hearing you softly moan underneath.

The slapping sound echoes through the room that would eventually reek of sex and you felt ashamed that your body was enjoying all of this.

“Ah… ah… ahh… agh….”

“You’re starting to enjoy this, aren’t you?” He brags as one hand was reaching for your breasts while the other holds your thigh up. “Fucking slut.”

Your body and mind were tired and could only hold so much longer. It was not a surprise when your stomach started to churn your the muscles in your thighs were cramping up.

Peter did no help after seeing you starting to wear out. He tried leaning in to make out with you and expect to moan into his mouth. You did for a moment, a combination of both your drools were streaming down from the corner of your mouth.

“We’re making a mess, huh,” he mumbles. “But I know you’re already a dirty fucking girl.”

He proceeds to deprave you with statements, “Can’t believe you’re enjoying my cock better than that old man’s... Such a fucking whore.”

You twist your head aside, trying to hide the fact that you feel like your temperature were burning up. You were so sure he could feel the increasing warmth of your walls either way.

Your eyes were rolling back as you resist arching your back, which was not really a success as the amount of pleasure was overwhelming.

As you writhe beneath him, you felt a hand on your cheek. It pushes your head back onto looking at front and at Peter. “I want you t look at me when you’re going to cum, sweetie,” he orders and you could not do much anyways.

The second time you came was a whole other level. You never felt this with any person you slept with so far, rather not this fast and intense to say. “That’s it, fuck, you’re tighter than I could ever imagine.”

Peter continues until it was his time to cum. The bed continues to move along with his pace and your body was basically abused to his liking.

And even if you were not aware of it, the boy was practically thankful that his agency decided to agree to soundproofing his whole apartment – his motive being for personal reasons, which they did not question any time soon.

You were helpless, you knew that. All you had in mind now was rest. Your eyelids were heavy and your mind was drifting to slumber.

The last thing you remember was Peter moving over your body to come all around your chest like a painter with its paint brush creating a masterpiece from your chest to your core.

“I love you.”

a/n: ily pls leave comments <3

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