#suicidial ideation

[fragmented-artist]

x

Lucy

[oblivious-troll-main]

Shit vent under cut (trigger warnings in the tags)

One thing I hate doing is revealing any illnesses I have (Especially mental ones because shit gets romanticized and if one more person tells me one of my illnesses is like a superpower I'm going to kill myself) but for this it's important to note I'm depressed, I'm on meds, and have been in and out of wards for this since I was 15

I'm not safe right now, I'm home alone and on the cusp of a breakdown and I know venting to someone can help so I'm doing it here hoping it will help.

I'm not asking for help because asking for money makes me feel like shit and that's the last thing I need.

I have 39 cents to my name, because of certain disabilities I have no job and no skills that would lead to anyone wanting to employ, my dogs are sick, and I can't afford to take them to the vet.

My animals are the only reason I live, but I feel I'm going to have to forfeit my babies. They're not doing good, and I don't know what else to do. They're both adopted from shelters, I've had Jake for almost five and Nazbo for almost four. Jake's a lab/bully mix, and Nazbo is a lab mix (we don't know what with). They're my world along with my twelve year old cat, Jasper who is thankfully in great health rn

I feel sick everytime I look at my babies, I know the right thing is to forfeit them, to give them to someone who can afford to get them care, but the idea of never seeing them again kills me.

I would rather die then see them not thrive, and it's a possibility that I will once they're gone. It's just something I know I have to do.

I just want to say, if I ever stop posting randomly, I really do love all the mutuals I made on here and the people I've spoken to. Hell, talking to some of you is probably another reason I'm still around now.

I'm unstable, any day could be my last, it's been that way for years.

But I'm going through some tough shit rn, hard decision, money issues, family problems. That light at the end of the tunnel is getting dimmer and I'm not sure I'll ever reach it. Twenty one isn't too bad an age, I never thought I'd see eighteen.

Hope this post didn't ruin anyone's day, I'm just trying to survive the night right now.

I'm sorry for all the things and projects I said I'd do/wanted to do over on oblivious-troll, starting projects used to be a way I'd force myself to stop considering suicide so much, the pressure not to let others down and to not be a liar used to be enough but lately it hasn't been. It's all just been too much.

Again, I'm sorry, I just had to get this out there

[hurtfinch]

When will today be the last today?

[lechersesjambes]

[envyfilled]

It's too much. ITS TOO MUCH. ITS TOO FUCKING MUCH. I WANT TO CLAW AT MY ARMS AND TEAR AT MY SKIN. the white noise is too loud. I can't fucking THINK.

[oneeighthundreddienow]

that moment when nobody knows and nobody can know what you're thinking, what you're planning, but ultimately.. it'll be for the best

[local-dndnerd]

... need to go the quarry.

[seeker-of-stories19]

Ghost who has been through so much and yet nothing haunts him more than the thought of being buried, of clawing his way out of the sandy earth and away from the cloying sweetness of a rotting bug ridden corpse.

Ghost who immediately updates his paperwork after Roba, demanding to be cremated because nothing horrifies him more than the thought of being left to rot slowly trapped in a box forever, even if it would be it’s own divine recompense.

Ghost who loses Soap and tries to fight his family when they demand to have him buried, tries to save Johnny one last time, knows he wanted to be cremated because they agreed if something happened they’d be set free to the winds together. But Johnny never updated his paperwork and his Catholic family isn’t about to be swayed.

Ghost who can’t save his partner even in death and is haunted by the images of Johnnys body breaking down under the earth, crawling with maggots and bugs that thrive in the damp rich soil.

Ghost who sits by Soaps grave and wants nothing more than to bury his hands in the soil and tear his way to Johnny, to hold him a final time or even to remain in the earth with him until his air is used up and he too can rot in peace until all that’s left is their bones intertwined forever.

Ghost who’s been through every level of hell and nothing scared him more than being buried until now- suddenly spending eternity without Johnny is an entirely worse thought than being entombed in the earth.

So he updates his paperwork, unwilling to make the same mistake Soap did in thinking he had time to do it later. He can already feel the familiar shadow of death stalking him and he has a feeling it won’t be long before he’s buried again.

[translightyagami]

hard to get around as a person when there’s a little voice in my head that just repeats “kill yourself” all the time. like c’mon. there’s no evidence to support that as the best course of action, even in the face of “someone is, hypothetically, going to mad at me.”

[mittentroll]

HEY YA’LL, I’m still fucking alive and its something I’m celebrating today!! 🌈✨💕🌻

[bi-naesala]

(TW: suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideation)

After spending day after day in a cell, this interview they’re going to subject him to should’ve been a breath of fresh air, a nice break from the monotony of the inmate life, but Adachi couldn’t be more annoyed about it.

Who exactly thought he wanted to appear on TV? Oh right, they weren’t thinking about what he wanted at all; not that they ever did – he wouldn’t be here if the world had ever fucking listened to his needs – but c’mon, can’t a man be left in peace? He’s already agreed to live by the rules of this world, what else do they want?

 He’s already dreading this interview, and it hasn’t even started. Soon, he’ll be retrieved from his cell to be taken to a TV studio – ‘ cause apparently he’s dangerous, but not enough that he shouldn’t be let out of his cage – where first, he’ll be styled in a decent manner, as if there’s really the need for it, and then he’ll be drilled by questions about things that he’s sure won’t have anything to do with the actual case, all to sate people’s curiosity about the twisted mind behind Inaba’s serial murders.

If he’s lucky, he might at least get a reporter that will pretend to be sympathetic – or at least not judgmental – to get him to spill everything, and won’t try to humiliate him in front of the camera-- wow, talking about a very reassuring best case scenario here!

 Oh well, it doesn’t matter: what Adachi truly hates is that he’ll have to come up with something that will make his answers make sense. It’s not like talking about the TV world is a viable option: they’d think him mad!

Sure, they’d surely give him a lighter sentence if they believe he’s crazy, but then, wouldn’t they put him inside some mental facility? That feels even worse.

Besides, if he has to abide by the rules, he has to get the sentence he deserves, no matter how harsh it’s going to be. He isn’t going to run away.

 Geez, he can’t wait to be done with this, so he can go back to enjoy the solitude of his cell, hoping that this will be the last time he has to do something like this.

… It won’t be, won’t it? Even before he was caught, this case was making the rounds on TV; he doubts they’d back away now, not when they can torture him like this. One would guess that his desire not to be seen and get on with the sentence peacefully would be seen as something to encourage but no, he’s gotta do this fucking interview no matter what.

 … He wonders if they’ll let him wear Dojima’s tie. That’s one of the few things he’s been granted to keep, that and his suit; Adachi doesn’t know who’s pulling what strings for this, but he is a tiny bit grateful that he doesn’t have to wear the prison garb, though he has no idea if it’ll change once he gets his sentence.

He hopes it doesn’t. It was gift, after all, a gift from…

 As he fidgets with the tie, feeling its texture beneath his fingertips – a recently acquired habit – he can’t help but to think of the Dojimas.

Dojima senior comes to visit quite regularly. It used to take Adachi by surprise how relieved he felt each time the guard retrieved him for his visit, but by now, he’s gotten used to it: after all, there isn’t a person more stubborn than Dojima. If he says that he’s going to keep visiting him, he will continue visiting until he can.

He speaks of Nanako often, sometimes prompted by Adachi himself, though she’s never come to visit. Neither Adachi nor Dojima have ever brought that up knowing that, while Dojima can pull some strings to visit him himself, he can’t do the same for Nanako. Besides, she might be too upset if she sees him like this; now, Adachi isn’t sure about how much Dojima has told her about this ordeal, or how much she’s heard from the TV or her friends at school, but from the way he talks about her – “she misses you” – she must not know the entire truth. That, or she’s as forgiving as her cousin, which he hopes isn’t the case – she’s smarter than that c’mon.

Still, he wouldn’t mind seeing her again, or even just hearing her voice. He’d even be willing to help her with homework if she ever gets to visit… but it won’t happen, so he might as well stop daydreaming like that, lest he gets trapped inside a series of dumb fantasies that will never become true.

 Ugh, he really doesn’t want to do this interview, but what can he do about it? It’s not like he can leave…

Well, there is something he could do, a way that would put an end to everything.

As he caresses his tie, he wonders what would happen if he were to pull it too tight. Would someone even notice it, or would they just leave him to suffocate on his own? He’d be alone in death, just like he’s been in life.

It’s a thought that has already crossed his mind, since he has memory: even before he was aware of his death wish, he used to think about what would happen if he were to suddenly disappear, or die; he actually spent a lot of time fantasizing about this: at first, when he was still a naïve little boy, he used to imagine his parents, classmates and teachers attending to his funeral, crying from desperation and regret, because they should’ve treated him better, they should’ve paid more attention to him, but then he grew up.

Now, when he thinks about his death, all he’s able to picture is a tomb, dusty and ruined by the passage of time, just that. Nobody mourning, nobody crying, just a lonely tomb. After all, who would want to visit him?

 Images of Dojima and Nanako flash in his mind. They would mourn him.

 A sudden sense of sickness comes over Adachi…

 H-He’s gonna vomit any second now…

  Feeling like he can’t breathe anymore, he loosens his tie, but when that doesn’t seem to work, he throws it as far as he can.

Okay, it’s a bit better now. At least he can breathe.

 No, he can’t do that now: if he dies before he gets his sentence, the investigation will have to resume. Everything that happened would’ve been all for nothing.

If he has to play by the rules, then he must get his sentence. This story has to end.

 He thinks back at Dojima and Nanako. He can’t… Not to them…

 Ow, his head hurts.

 Adachi sighs, and goes to unroll his futon, so that he can lay down, hoping that some rest before the big event will help. At least he won’t feel too shitty when they come to retrieve him.

 No matter how much it sickens him, he knows these bad thoughts will surface again, but he’ll keep ignoring them.

Maybe after he gets his sentence, he’ll think about it, but for now, he has to stay alive.

 … What a pain.

[thefostermen]

No necesito que salven de mis pensamientos suicidas, esa batalla yo la perdí hace tiempo, necesito que me comprendan, la muerte es la única cura para eso que esta mal en mi cabeza y que los antidepresivos no pueden borrar.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw brief mentions of panic attacks, suicidality, death, trauma and dissociation, not so brief of self harm

Hey, I am currently looking for a therapist and I am a bit afraid of therapy tbh. I have a lot of trauma and forgot a lot and guessing by my symptoms, even worse stuff than that, what I remember. Most of it goes back to my abusive childhood home. And I am afraid what will happen, when I'll work on it and maybe/hopefully remember stuff again. I am afraid I'll go back to having 4 panic attacks a day, 3 day in a row unable to sleep, flashbacks or suicidality again. I once "woke up" (from dissociation-ish) and realized, I had zero memories of the last 3 months.

(Idk I just need to write this down: the like last thing I remembered was that I started to cut myself very lightly for... the feeling of overcoming myself. My natural will to be unharmed, whatever. And then I "woke up" and was sitting on my bed and was self harming at that moment, already had bad scars and didn't cut lightly anymore.)

I don't want this to ever happen again.

It's not like I overcame any of this, but panic attacks are rare, sleep issues not that bad, flashbacks very rare and I've gotten used to my suicidality. Okay I actually stopped self harming. I am not thriving but living in a way that is... okay. And I am leaving this relative safety (at least I know what shit to expect) for therapy and I am scared.

I mean... at the end of the session you'll leave their office after 45min, no matter how shocked or dissociated etc. you are and you are forced to sit with whatever issue on your own for the next week. That sounds scary as shit. I occasionally remember stuff that I once forgot and even then, like "remember when that aunt you barely knew died?" leaves me so unable to cope for many days. What about serious memories?

I am very scared.

Hi anon,

Thank you for reaching out so I could have the opportunity to validate and acknowledge your pain: I am so sorry for your experiences, and the impact it has on your daily life.  

I want to commend you for having the self awareness to even reach out for therapy options - many people do not - and it is very understandable that the process of unpacking memories, especially ones where our body remembers, but not our minds, feels panic inducing.  I’ve talked about this before, but essentially there is such a thing as trauma amnesia, and there have been studies (one, and two) and books (one, and two) on how trauma impacts our brains, where our body remembers but our conscious minds do not.  

Now when it comes to therapy, yes, there is a chance that unpacking your feelings, experiences, and memories in a safe space with a professional who is hoping to help form a treatment plan to help you thrive - might in fact, bring up painful ones that feel new to you.  But there is also a possibility that even with treatment you may never recover these memories and it might be more imperative to navigate the physical reactions to the feelings without the memories.

My hope would be that you could further explore them in your session for a set time, and then with the help of the therapist help calm your nervous system down with enough time to discuss coping skills/tools for how to handle the remainder of the week before you go into your next session.  

However, this is a skill that can take time to develop, so whether you find something that speaks to you right away, or whether it takes months, you are commendable for even wanting to put in the effort in the first place.  I do believe with the help of a trained professional it will go much faster than if you were simply tackling this on your own, and my hope is that with the healthiest supports in place for you, you will go from surviving to thriving.

Good luck <3

- Mod Kat

[lechersesjambes]

I want to cut myself then jump off a bridge.

[grogusmum]

hey folx anyone who is friends, moots or follows or on discord with @ezras-channel-rat

her writing is on

@she-devil-jones

She is in crisis and since she did post about it, I'm hoping it's a call for help.

Please reach out!

(Please let me know if you hear anything am worried about her 💚)

[xan-the-emo-trans-man]

TW: talk of suicide

I have a psychiatrist app. next month but idk if I’m gonna make it that far chat

I’ve felt a lot better recently but the depression is still very much there. Don’t worry too much about me, I see my therapist in a couple days, I’m just struggling to keep going and keep acting like I wanna be here

stay strong I love y’all <3