#tactics of abuse

[furiousgoldfish]

How triangulation works

Triangulation is a form of abuse, often associated with narcissistic abusers, which works in a way that gets the abuser what they want, by involving other people into the relationship. It will usually happen when you and the abuser are in some kind of conflict, and want different things; the abuser tells you what they want you to do, and you know you don't want this, so you say no, and stand your ground.

When the abuser realizes they can't persuade you, threaten you, force or pressure you into doing what they want, they go a roundabout way about it, by convincing other people to go and pressure you instead. Now how does that look like?

It can go multiple ways, they can come and cry to other people about how incredibly cruel, insensitive and selfish you are, not wanting to do this one thing to them, and how it's killing them, and ruining yours and everyone else's life. They'll often sprinkle in some lies about you, make you look cruel and twisted. They can come to your siblings, friends, relatives, family, and tell them something along the lines 'I know it's only right for them to do x, but they won't listen to me. However, they really value your opinion, and they might listen to you, please tell them to do x, it would be better for everyone.' This will make the person feel important and happy to be valued both by the abuser and you and to be given this important task of changing your mind, they'll become willing to do it. Or, if they go the crying and complaining route, the person will become annoyed that they're being vented on feel like it's your fault they're now having to deal with this. The abuser might also add imagined disasters and catastrophes that might happen, if you do as you want, and not follow their idea of how things should go.

This person, having been manipulated into thinking they're doing something good, will go and try to tell you that you're wrong for wanting to do what you want, sometimes they'll accuse you of being selfish, yell at you, defend the abuser's idea, pressure you, accuse you of being responsible for abuser's "upset" by acting this way, and will wholeheartedly try to convince you that following your own free will is a horrible, disastrous idea.

And for you, this now means you have to consider, and reconsider over and over again, if you have the right to make your own call, because now everyone in your life seems to be on the abuser's side, and insisting that what you want is stupid, selfish, inconsiderate, hurtful, wrong, potentially disastrous. This, of course, is not true, but the abusers want you in that spot, where everyone you know is against you and on their side, convincing you to just do as you're told, or else. This can sometimes create intense pressure and feeling like you're all alone in the world, like nobody cares about you, and that any decision you make will be beaten down by everyone involved. It can also make you pull down your own choices after having to consider over and over if it's possible that this choice could be selfish or in any way hurtful, and this is not how people normally make calls, it's something you do under intense pressure and scrutiny, which is there only because the abuser wanted it.

These choices can be anything from where you go to school, work, where you live, how you dress, who you date, what you buy, how to respond to others, what you do, how you act. Often they'll be about whether you give the abuser what they want from you, and whether you agree to talk to them or not. The biggest triangulations I've experienced in my life were done when I've refused to talk to the abusers, then they felt it was necessary to lie and manipulate every person I knew to pressure me into extending contact  - and all of those people have been lied to, and have been brought to a heavy emotional state in order to do a crazy thing like telling someone what to do. Normally people don't do such things, they understand it's not their place to dictate someone's personal decisions, not their call to make in somebody's life.

This is partly what makes the abusers so dangerous, not only they're willing  to cross that line themselves, but they're capable of making others cross it too, making their every whim seeming like a life emergency where all rules of freedom and privacy are null. This also puts you in a position where you're forced to doubt yourself, your every decision, and even your senses, to figure out if you could possibly be right, when everyone you know is telling you that you're wrong. They want you to be in that desperate mindset, doubting your own senses, memories, decisions. It's almost like a form of gaslighting, that everyone participates in.

Your choice is, of course, never wrong. You always have the freedom to make your own decisions, even if the entire world decides to attack you for it and to tell you that you're wrong. The entire shitshow is happening only because the abuser thinks what they want is more important than your free life and your quality of life, and they're willing to lie and push people into doing their bidding, just to bypass your free will. You don't have to doubt any of these decisions, because any choice you make is right, as long as you're the one who made it.

Being trapped in that space where it feels like everyone is against you, and on the abuser's side can be extremely isolating, painful and emotionally heavy. It can put you in a state where you feel abandoned and like you're wrong and evil for every decision you try to make. However, this isn't true, all of the people who are telling you that you're wrong, actually have no clue what's going on, and have been fed lies. Not that it hurts any less that they've betrayed you despite not even understanding the situation! It hurts badly. They've been naive enough to fall for a manipulation, and their moral standing weak enough to try and infringe on your freedom, and you didn't deserve that. They've aligned themselves with a person who has hurt you and is attempting to control you, and that feels terrible, like you're alone and helpless against a whole horde of people.

One thing you can do is point out how it's not their place to make this call, and ask them what they've been told in order to come and tell you something as inappropriate and hurtful like this. I can't claim it's going to work every time, but some people were taken aback when they were informed of some of the stuff the abuser just 'forgot to mention' when sending them into action. Sometimes even that won't make them back down, because it's embarrassing to accept that you've been manipulated into being someone's tool, and they'd rather insist they're completely in the right. It's a messed up game where you essentially can't win, the best you can do is stick to your decision and inform everyone who comes to pressure you, that you're not in fact, doing anything illegal and if they want to change your decision they'll have to bring out an army to force you.

Triangulation goes hand-in-hand with scapegoating, and will make you feel like a scapegoat. Even if a lot of people will fall for the abuser's manipulations, not all will, and this is not something that you'll need to endure all of your life, especially if you manage to cut contact with people who are easily manipulated – you don't owe them a presence in their life if they're aligned with an abuser. There are people out there who cannot be manipulated easily, and will stick to their morals and refuse to infringe on your freedom, even when told a bunch of lies.

[vyorei]

Tumblr needs to be held accountable for the complete suppression of the pro-Palestine tags. You cannot hide what's happening, pretending it's not trending isn't going to work, we are here and we are speaking and we are ANGRY.

The global attempt to silence people speaking out against genocide is inconceivable, one would find it more realistic in a film, much like everything else that's been happening.

We aren't going to be silenced, we don't support genocide, and we won't bow to the will of a colonial force attempting to ethnically cleanse over 2 million people.

Staff should be ashamed of themselves for their actions, and I hope it haunts them.

✊🇵🇸

[hadesoftheladies]

i know we joke a lot during misandry hours, but the fact of the matter is men aren't inhuman. they do have convictions and conscience. they do have love and compassion. they are capable of immense kindness, thoughtfulness and empathy. they are very often curious and intelligent.

the difference is they don't think of women as having any of those things hence don't extend the moral consideration they would extend toward "fellow human beings". they genuinely view women as animals. and how do they view animals? as primitive. infantile. not as evolved or cultivated. mostly mindless hence mostly incapable of suffering. they don't have as much mind and their "self" is weak, so there is no memory or centralized experience, no history to the individual woman.

the same way a man can have a dog and slaughter a screaming chicken is the same way he can be a loving husband to his wife and still rape an underage girl. it's how they've all lived for so long that it's not contradictory to their behavior.

so him being nice to "his women" isn't proof you're safe with him. him demonstrating any virtue to others still isn't proof you're safe with him. him being devout to a "kind loving god" is not proof you're safe with him. him humouring you on anything isn't proof you're safe with him. him being gnc is not proof you're safe with him.

his humanity does not mean he sees you as human as well. it is nowhere near a guarantee. please understand this.

[fumifooms]

Canines

The hand that feeds

Mickbell Tomas & Kuro Dungeon Meshi

^ 1: Ink-the-artist, I will remove my teeth / 2: Margaret Atwood / 3: C.S. Lewis, The Horse and His Boy / 4: Mitski, I’m your man / 5: Ojibwa, I love you like a rotten dog / 6: KotOR II / 7: Stardrop, Everything that’s ever been mine is covered in teeth marks / 8: Sodikken, People Eater / 9: Mitski, I’m your man / 10: maxime., The life and death of a dog / 11: Mitski, I bet on losing dogs / 12: maxime., The life and death of a dog / 13: hun, I did not bite with Malice / 14: C. Michael Davis, Don't Pet the Dragon / 15: Mitski, I’m your man

v 1: Early versions of the myth as in aeschylus orestes / 2: Ink-the-artist, I will not remove my teeth

[t4tails]

oh cool we're back to hades being an emotionally manipulative and abusive adopted father. awesome. i love our stories protagonists

[y-rhywbeth2]

Jaheira: "Do not trust a word that slithers out of Lord Liar's mouth. It suits the cult to have us divided - doubting one another. The things our companion has done... they might never be set right. But so long as we are still willing to try, then I know I am in the right company."

A line you get from Jaheira in multiplayer after talking to Gortash at the coronation, if somebody's playing Durge (but somebody else talks to her)

I am so glad to have somebody in-universe backing me up when I say Gortash outing you as the Chosen of Bhaal and co-villain behind the main plot (and potentially a Bhaalspawn) in front of the party feels like a deliberate move to try and alienate Durge from their allies.

I have no idea if it is (I'd figure the party is more useful as a coherent unit right now), but he's not invested in them either (the offer of ruling is explicitly extended to the protagonist; nobody else)

[traumatizedjaguar]

Abusers will force you into a position to have to defend and explain yourself because they thrive on arguing with others. The best way to stay away from their abuse is to not engage with them...But when it comes to abusers they will automatically assume you're guilty for something if you don't defend yourself and argue, they will assume you're guilty and justify bullying you over it. They put you into a position where it is double edged. Either way, they win so if you defend yourself they get a rise out of you and if you don't defend yourself they assume you're guilty and come after you. Abusers thrive off of twisting and manipulating the meaning of your body language, tone, subtleties, whether you engage or don't engage, or literally anything else.

[unwelcome-ozian]

[moonlit-positivity]

Its so important to ✨feel your feelings✨ because that's what abuse does- abusers take away your right to feel anything they don't want you to feel. They tell you shit like "you're crazy," "that never happened," and "your anger doesn't matter! I'm more important!" And it's imperative to fight back against that. No one ever has a right to tell you your feelings don't matter. Regardless of who they are, what they've told you, how long you've known them, or how much you care about them. Your feelings are much more important and it's imperative you protect them.

[bonefall]

“I like watching him get tangled up in his own web of self-pity, raising a superiority complex AND an inferiority complex at the same time.”

THAT NIGGA HAS BPD!!,! 🫵

ohSHIT... I didn't REALIZE

Oh noooo is that why I like him so much? Did I read BPD into Nightheart and attach myself like a limpet?? Oh god it makes sense now OTL

I was even planning for him to eventually find out he has a LOT in common with Squilf who I already decided has BPD in BB because I love her so much, is that what I was picking up on subconsciously?

AND BRAMBLESTAR IS A MUTUAL ABUSER OUGHHH... she probably recognizes him using the same tactics on Nightheart that used to work on her! Oh god oh fuck!

LISTEN; I don't rewrite arcs until they're done, so, don't take any of this as canon to BB yet, but... maybe a change I should really anticipate is changing HOW Bramblestar steps down.

I think it would work well with the themes of BB for it to not be his choice, but a... "gentle rebellion." Squirrelflight, Sparkpelt, all of the Firekin, Twigbranch, everyone who has been harmed by Bramblestar confronting him as a group and telling him what's going to happen next.

"You're going to step down. You won't be talking to Nightheart anymore. Enough is enough, Bramblestar."

"So this is how it ends?? This is how you treat me? ...this is what you've felt, all along? I've given EVERYTHING to this Clan, since--"

Just starts ranting, his voice rising in volume, lurches up out of his nest and tries to tower over everyone to make them cower.

They don't budge.

Sparkpelt is eye-level with him, just as big as her father. When he catches her gaze, he doesn't see his daughter's eyes. He sees Jessy, just before she left.

And she sees a child throwing a tantrum.

"Enough is enough."

He does not take the lesson she meant from this. He just hears his traitor of a deputy, his witch of an ex-mate, with her words in his daughter's mouth. He doesn't regret the real reasons; he regrets allowing Squirrelflight to mentor his kit.

And he claps that anger onto Squilf; "StarClan will be the judge of you."

A year ago, she would have been terrified of that. But God is hard to fear when you've been plucked from the heavens and seen his angels die.

"Ok. Anyway,"

then she delves into some boring legal stuff like how he won't sleep with the other elders, the logistics of making this official, going to the Moonpool with a witness, etc etc etc

[furiousgoldfish]

If you've found yourself in that childhood hell with a narcissistic parent, where every year you gain you get treated worse, and the older you get, the more unworthy and unlovable you are, this is why it's going on.

Narcissists are unwilling to be parents, but they're ready to take advantage of every possible benefit they think parenthood has. The perceived benefit is how the world sees them, someone feeling sympathetic or engaged with them, getting popularity based on your kid's talents, abilities and successes, people having compassion for their 'parenthood struggles', and of course, the idea of unconditional love. For them, not for the kid. They also then go on and take extra stuff, like having their personal emotional caretaker, or a target for all of their anger, someone to feel superior to, someone they can violate, insult, touch, beat, and blend with, without any kind of consequences from the outside world. There's very few scenarios that would allow them such power over another person, and parenthood happens to be one of them.

So, why do they prefer small toddlers rather than grown-up children? Because toddlers gain them attention. They can go with a toddler in public, and have people gush and admire the cuteness. They can sometimes teach toddlers to do little dances or sing for the audience. They can do pretty much anything to small children, and children won't complain or understand what is going on. They can neglect their toddlers and nobody will know. They can punish small children for crying. They can convince small children that they exist only for to make the narcissist's life easier.

Once children start developing boundaries, start saying no, and no longer gather the attention of the crowd, that is where narcissists are no longer getting as many benefits from parenthood and start emotionally abandoning the child, and shaming the child for 'growing up' and 'not being as easy to control and manipulate'. And this is not how normally things work, you don't stop loving your kid when they're growing up, you don't value them according to how much attention you can get using them. Sometimes, if a kid has a special talent and is able to get them attention via child contests or tournaments, this kid will not be obviously immediately abandoned. But it will be clear to this child that the 'love' is completely dependent on how well they do and how far they succeed. The second they stop, they know that the parental love will be withdrawn and they'll be rendered a failure.

Narcissists will ask you to go not just out of your comfort zone in order to give them what they want, they will ask the downright impossible, and when you inevitably can't give it to them, you will be discarded, and possibly punished. You will degraded from 'special' and 'important because you can do this one thing for your parent', to nothing but a target for rage, forced to feel like you deserve it because you couldn't do what no child can - make a narcissist act like a normal parent. They convince children that they would be loving and thoughtful parents, if only the child was not so x, and y, and z, and the list is endless. Endless excuses not to love their child, because withdrawing that love will make the child absolutely desperate in their attempt to please the parent, and be good enough to deserve love.

This is not what would normally happen to a child. We're meant to be celebrated for growth. Our progress into adulthood should be about us, about what we can do now, how much new experiences and excitement it brings to have a bigger body, how much more capable and safer we are, what new skills we can develop, new games we can play, better connections and understanding with others we can now achieve. It's not supposed to be about whether we are of a benefit to someone, our growth is about us becoming a happy adult! Appropriating this entire process and reducing it to 'grovel endless to deserve love, and feel guilty for growing because you're of less use now' is absolute torture to a child, who doesn't understand that it's not meant to be this way, that they were never supposed to be a tool to use.

As we mature with the narcissist continually building this narrative of us not being good enough to deserve love, we end up having no other narrative, and believe that we're fundamentally, intrinsically lacking in something, and this makes us unlovable. It has nothing to do with the truth, and everything to do with a continuous lie that someone made up about us when we were still small, that we exist as a tool and a resource, and every hint of free will and desire and personal goals and boundaries is us failing to live up to that use. We were never meant to be exist for them, there was no achievable goal, us even trying to 'deserve their love' was nothing but a waste of our time and energy. We're not unlovable. We just don't a parent. We had someone leeching off of us, taking instead of giving, convincing us we don't deserve attention, care or resources, unlike them, who deserve to take it all.

For any normal parent, everything about you would have been good enough, you would have been a source of joy and celebration without ever even trying to deserve it. Nobody has to deserve parental love, it's either given by default, or there is nobody willing to be a parent to you. Being unwilling to parent you, they have no right to expect anything from you. You did not break the parent-child bond, because there never was such a thing in the first place, they betrayed you from the start.

[healingchildhoodtrauma]

“Feelings buried alive never die.”

Karol Truman

[metanarrates]

even the most "innocent" child abuse victim inherently condemns society by their very existence & this is why there is such a strong effort to sideline or discredit victims of child abuse. like genuinely if you were to tackle the full reality of child abuse you would have to confront that our society is founded upon child abuse, and that would require us to break society at its very root. an abused child is a condemnation of the nuclear family model, of the education system, of the notion that children do not deserve rights, of almost every system that exists and that is why their existence is rarely examined in the mainstream. easier to not believe how widespread child abuse is. easier to pick apart individual victims. and ultimately it's easier to believe their abusers were isolated aberrations rather than individuals given insane power over their victims by the system and chose to wield it in ways that are largely condoned by that system.

and that societal sidelining largely happens even FOR victims who appear to fit the most unproblematic model of a child abuse victim. god help you if you aren't palatable or easily "reintegrated" into the existing structure after leaving your abuser lmao

[immediatebreakfast]

Between taking Jonathan's papers, his clothes, and what is basically his passport, one of the things that I find the most horrible is that Dracula stole all of Jonathan's money when he took his letter of credit.

What is the most effective way to make someone feel they are truly trapped? By taking away their money.

Since Jonathan, and Mina are working class people, they probably took a very long time to save a good amount of money so Jonathan could have a nice work experience abroad.

Maybe Jonathan added a little bit more than planned just in case he wanted to buy something for Mina, maybe Mina added some coins so Jonathan wouldn't feel guilty for buying something that was a little bit out of his price range. However, don't doubt that all of the budget was calculated, and counted down to the last coin.

And Dracula took it all away.

I don't doubt that the people of Transylvania could help Jonathan if he succesfully escaped now, but what about taking a train home? What about sending a letter to both Mina and Mr. Hawkins?

[uncanny-tranny]

I think if we are to do marginalized communities good, it'll help to remember that often, marginalized people who seem to be "forgotten about" in the mind of bigots aren't being treated well by them either - so many marginalized people are forcibly erased and made invisible. That is not a neutral action; it is a form of violence. Not all violence will present itself in the extreme of facing physical violence. The core of any violence against marginalized peoples will often come from a similar level of hatred for them. That's why it's so important to combat all violence, even the forms of violence you don't perceive "as harmful" as other forms.

[theweeklydiscourse]

I’m always conflicted when it comes to Tamlin because the bad things he does are admittedly bad and are identified as such in the text, but I can’t help but feel like the narrative is being unfair or biased against him. I mostly feel this way due to a lack of harmony I see in Maas’s characterization of him, particularly in regards to the dissonant steps it takes to bring him to the point of an antagonist. To me, the text seems confused as to what it means for Tamlin to morph into an abusive character.

In terms of ACOTAR as an abuse narrative, I just feel like Maas doesn’t go far enough and the message gets confused. On one hand, Tamlin’s overprotective behaviour during ACOMAF is shown as a result of the trauma he suffered during ACOTAR, but the narrative quickly flips in ACOWAR to paint Tamlin as a paternalistic misogynist who viewed Feyre as a commodity to be hidden away from the world. You’ll have characters say stuff like: “He only viewed her as property…” and I’m like huh?! Where was there any indication of that? I thought the issues was overprotectiveness and a lack of communication. Obviously there are shadows of that message woven in, but they aren’t strong enough to communicate themselves to the reader. But if that current message was what Maas intended, it’s quite baffling to me that her efforts to convey/foreshadow that side of Tamlin were so incredibly weak and peripheral.