#Abuse tactics

[vyorei]

Tumblr needs to be held accountable for the complete suppression of the pro-Palestine tags. You cannot hide what's happening, pretending it's not trending isn't going to work, we are here and we are speaking and we are ANGRY.

The global attempt to silence people speaking out against genocide is inconceivable, one would find it more realistic in a film, much like everything else that's been happening.

We aren't going to be silenced, we don't support genocide, and we won't bow to the will of a colonial force attempting to ethnically cleanse over 2 million people.

Staff should be ashamed of themselves for their actions, and I hope it haunts them.

✊🇵🇸

[furiousgoldfish]

abusers when you're in a ton of pain, depressed, anxious, suicidal, but still obeying them and under their control: Nothing is wrong with you

abusers when you're showing a hint of resistance and finding joy in something that puts you away from their control: You're going to go BAD, who did this to you, who changed you? You are Wrong and Stupid and you will WALK INTO YOUR DEATH, you need to be Stopped Immediately, you need to get Help and be return to normal, you are Delusional and Mad!!

[unwelcome-ozian]

[moonlit-positivity]

Its so important to ✨feel your feelings✨ because that's what abuse does- abusers take away your right to feel anything they don't want you to feel. They tell you shit like "you're crazy," "that never happened," and "your anger doesn't matter! I'm more important!" And it's imperative to fight back against that. No one ever has a right to tell you your feelings don't matter. Regardless of who they are, what they've told you, how long you've known them, or how much you care about them. Your feelings are much more important and it's imperative you protect them.

[monarchmusings]

Stonewalling

"Part of the deliberate intention of stonewalling is to keep the survivor 'on the hook' and not really able to pursue alternatives because the issue is still 'open' in some technical sense. However, in an abusive relationship, isolation and threats are usually present, and the survivor has no safe options to pursue needs except through the primary aggressor....Stonewalling is a complete pattern of non-communication and non-cooperation that only works from a position of power."

In short, anytime your partner ignores you, refuses to discuss issues with you, doesn't support your plans, won't compromise, won't explain their motivations, or refuses to hear your opinion or feelings, they may be engaging in stonewalling.

Some examples might include:

Refusing to discuss travel plans.

Refusing to support your plan to return to work or school.

Refusing to explain why they don't want you to come to their office parties.

Refusing to try a new activity with you.

Refusing to compromise on bedroom activities.

Refusing to hear your opinions about dietary changes to improve your health or the health of your children.

Refusing to collaborate regarding household chores and maintenance.

Refusing to discuss the need to move to a new home due to health or mobility issues.

Refusing to discuss the need for replacements or upgrades in your home.

[bewitched-bullet]

Awe, someone called me out specifically! Isn't that cute~? 🖤 Unfortunately I'm afraid it seems whatever physical evidence the important players had probably won't show now. They've been scared off cause of all this. And this little anon group targeting you all for it, they don't have evidence of their own either. Only name calling and Word of John (and Harry). So I suppose there is an unfortunate impasse. Though I wonder. Where did the mention of a so called "group chat" come from? - A friend from the dark.

My Darkling Friend, you are quite right. But I do hope that they step forward.

The best way to destroy the illusion of power that an abuser/bully thinks they have, is to adopt a "don't give a fuck" attitude and shine that light despite what the abuser/bully is holding over on you.

This can look like, threatening to destroy your work/website/blog/information/accounts you have gathered/owned over the years.

If the victim and abuser shared items, accounts, art, etc that the victim has put emotional value and intellectual work into, insinuating that you will take it away, then say you're not, then threaten that you will, etc.

Doxxing, threatening to doxx, or insinuating doxxing is a common online one.

I can keep going. But all these examples are examples of common abuse tactics to keep the victims in fear, shame, and under the abuser's control.

Oh! Almost forgot. I have no idea where that thought of us all having a group chat came from.

[unhinged-ill-thoughts]

Accountability isn't saying sorry then continuing to run with whatever fucked up delusional story you came up with that lessens the blow of you being the piece of shit in the situation

As much as you may see yourself a victim for past trauma, mental illnesses, etc, you're not the victim in a situation in which you have maliciously used someone and destroyed the parts of them that you used to envy, just because you used to be for a completely different scenario. And I'd rather you didn't speak as though you still were by calling yourself a people pleaser or martyr.

If the past is the past then the past where you once cared about people at 5 years old is dead, and the past of you being the victim no longer exists either. Whatever you have chosen to be last is what you are now.

Thats what happens when you squawk 24/7 about the past is the past. The past that made you justified in the behavior that had nothing to do with it is as invalid as you thinking your past doesn't make you an abuser. You aren't an abuser anymore? Well you sure as hell ain't a victim and honestly never have been.

Personally? I do think our pasts matter and do define us to a certain extent. But they don't excuse your behavior as much as they dont determine it. And it's especially not about pretending like it never mattered. It's called "owning up to it".

If you care about erasing the abuser part but not the victim part, you don't care about moving on. You care about getting stuck in the place that made you feel most comfortable during the whole thing.

[daffodilhorizon]

DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender Just thinking about how carnists do this to vegans all the time??? Deny: "I'm not doing anything wrong by funding animal abuse!"

Attack: "Actually, you vegans are using way too much plastic. And agave. Soy is actually causing a lot of environmental problems" {casually ignores that most soy is farmed to feed animals who will be killed a few months later for a few minutes of taste pleasure} Reverse Victim and Offender: "Vegans are actually attacking my beliefs in which i think it's okay to harm others for my pleasure :C :C :C" "I'm the victim because a vegan said i shouldn't hurt others" "A vegan responded to my unprompted attacks on them and now they're being like, soooooo mean to me :( I don't deserve this i just want to enjoy my murdered sentient animal " FUCK THIS MANIPULATIVE ABUSER SHIT, THE DEAD BODIES YOU'RE CONSUMING FOR PLEASURE ARE THE REAL VICTIMS i don't care how sad it makes you to be told that you're hurting others, you need to fucking STOP

[fayrobertsuk]

The thing about having been through and out the other side of abusive relationships is that you begin to see the patterns everywhere. The cyclical process of manipulating loyalty and servitude through pain, neglect, isolation, and lovebombing can apply as easily to corrupt governments and to major retail brands as it does to abusive parents, teachers, partners, and friends.

And where it used to make me feel helpless, it now makes me feel angry and determined.

[furiousgoldfish]

There's more to living in abuse than just always being afraid of violence and getting injured and shunned whenever you try to stand up for yourself.

There's days, weeks and months of hard work, where you do believe you'll be able to prove that you're good enough, and in return you get told that nothing you did was of any value. That hurts deeply. There's time and energy you put into trying to understand the abusers, trying to make them less abusive by giving them care and love, believing, as you were lead to, that they'll be good if only you do as they say. You end up absolutely devastated as they return to taking every bit of anger out on you, unfairly, after you did everything in your power to please them.

There's hearing and overhearing them talking about you, like you're not a part of the family. There's sleepless nights where you try to figure out how to improve, how to earn your right to belong, how to not make them ashamed of you. There's a feeling of anxiety that you're possibly fundamentally wrong and unlovable, to the point where nothing will ever be good enough, no matter how hard you try.

There's moments when you know deep inside that what they're accusing you of, what they're insulting you with, is entirely untrue. You know you're not selfish, you know that your intentions aren't evil, you know that you're not doing anything to do them any harm. You know yourself. But then you keep hearing over and over, how every person in your living space, possibly even in your life, considers you the worst, most selfish, most despicable, menacing, manipulative and demonic. They think this despite all of the kindness, love, care you've given them, all the work you've done for them! It drowns you.

This teaches you that hard work doesn't matter. Doing your best doesn't matter, loving and caring doesn't matter, being considerate and useful doesn't matter. You still have to be those things or you'll be damned to hell and punished and told you're unworthy to live, but even after you do all of it, you'll still be left feeling like you're the worst, laziest, most selfish person to ever exist. It makes the world have no sense, and only sense you can possibly see in those moments is that since everyone agrees on this, it must be something wrong with you. If everyone sees something evil in you, it must be true.

That's how the abuse makes you stop believing in yourself, and in your own knowledge of who you are. It shows you with actions, responses to your effort and work and care, that even your best will be met with contempt. It makes nothing worth doing, and brings you into a state of hopelessness, depression, inability to see any way forward. It's a way to make you more submissive and willing to just do what you are told, because you yourself can no longer figure out what to do.

And for those who've been through that, they shouldn't have done that to you. Your hard work has deserved recognition. Nothing you did back then was of no-value. Your effort was admirable, and your best was impressive. It was not your fault you were put in an un-winnable scenario, you could not have known that no matter what, they would have reacted with abuse. It's likely they've benefited from your work massively and never told you. You've been exploited and nothing they said had any reality connected to it. They lied to you. You were doing incredible that entire time.

[unwelcome-ozian]

[moonlit-positivity]

Things overheard in therapy: half safe people, are not safe people. People who invade your space in favor of your abusers, will never give you the peace of mind to protect the damage done to your soul. People who side with your abusers, people who stay in contact with them, people who passively mention them to you in conversation, people who cannot self inspect and hold themselves accountable for the role they play in disrespecting your boundaries and your basic human decency, will always continue to invade and disrupt the peace you are trying to cultivate. Know when to back away and remove these types of people from your life. Your peace is more important than a friendship or familial contact who can't even respect you enough to value and uphold you.

[wcmensworld]

(—) ★ spotted!! oliver hurri on the cover of this week’s most recent tabloid! many say that the 25 year old looks like thomas doherty, but i don’t really see it. while the dancer / actor is known for being confident my inside sources say that they have a tendency to be dishonest i swear, every time i think of them, i hear the song starboy by the weeknd. { he/him, cismale } - don't look at me, i'm ashamed ( laice )

basics

full name: oliver connor hurri nickname: log age: twenty-five gender: cismale pronouns: he/him hair color: brunette eye color: blue sexual and romantic orientation: het occupation: dancer / reality star tattoos: same as fc piercings: none favorite season: summer favorite color: blue favorite music: r&b, rap, drum and bass favorite animal: bear.

biography

oliver had grown up in a household that was far from safe and loving. his father had been playing an intergral part in a new york gang and he wanted oliver to take over that when he was old enough. he trained oliver from a very young age, how to fight, how to kill, how to get any result he wanted out of someone. and for the longest time, oliver had wanted to impress his dad. he wanted to be this fighter that his dad so desperately wanted him to be. his mother was m.i.a. oliver never really knew what had happened to her, if she was alive or not. with the world he grew up in, it wasn’t that hard to believe that something could’ve happened to her. and with a father like his he wasn’t entirely unconvinced that he hadn’t done it himself. but he knew better than to question it, and after all how could he really be sad of the loss of someone he never knew? instead he liked to pretend that she made it out and was thriving somewhere, even if it was without him, none of that mattered as long as she was okay and safe.  for a while oliver was the apple of his dad’s eye, did everything that was wanted and expected of him, did things that still haunt him to this day. but oliver’s dream was very, very different. he loved to dance. and everyday after school he told his father he’d found a combative training club, but really he was going to dance club. he could do contemporary, lyrical, ballet, jazz, but his biggest passion was hip hop. he put in the hours and the work to improve himself. any chance he got he was dancing. it was his escape from the world he’d been born into and hated. and all was well until oliver posted a video to youtube, it was a dumb idea in hindsight, he never thought his dad would find it. but it blew up over night, it had millions of hits and as soon as it started trending, his father became aware of it. he believed someone had dobbed him in, and he was pretty sure it was his uncle. he always hated him because oliver was next in line for the family business when he wanted it. what he failed to realise was that if anything happened to his father, oliver would have gladly given over the reins to him, he wanted no part of it. 

he still can’t think about that night. how angry his father had been at him, what he had done to him. but it had become more complicated now. oliver had been seen, was getting calls and emails and requests. he couldn’t just sweep this under the rug. so an agreement was made, oliver could pursue his career of dance and everything that came with it, as long as he stepped up to his duties with the gang. he wasn’t tasked with what his dad called ‘little boy’ duties anymore, but the real world stuff. and oliver hated it, but it was for his own survival that he agreed. and from the ages of 15-20 he followed what he was supposed to do. he advanced in his career, was hurled into the world of movie and television appearances, did dance battles and when he was 19 even did an appearance on love island. he managed to stay in the spotlight hiding a big secret, one that he was more ashamed of than anything. 

when he turned 20, it all changed. his father lost, got shot by one of their rivals. and in a frenzy everything had to be moved underground, hidden until they could be back on their feet again. and oliver knew that was his time to flee. he left his uncle one simple note saying that the gang was all his as long as he never contacted him again and he left england, made a new life in america with a vow never to return. now he was entirely career focused, although a life like that was hard to leave behind, there were things he’d done that he couldn’t undo. but he put it all into his dancing, it was his own form of therapy. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS: 

best friend- the person he can have fun with, mess around and just be young for a while. 

most trusted- this person knows the whole of oliver’s heinous past, everything he’s done. he trusts them more than anything in this world. 

dancers- anyone he’s worked with on dance, this could work for reality television too actually. 

exes- exes of any kind, oliver is a difficult person to love because he never opens his heart enough so this can be really angsty if we want it to be 

current hook up- can have feelings attached, doesn’t have to have feelings attached.

[unhinged-ill-thoughts]

if it took them years and your breaking point in the partnership for them to finally figure out how to love you properly all of a sudden, it means they either:

Could've learned to love you properly this whole time and didn't ;

Already knew how to love you and wouldn't ;

Or they don't plan on loving you like this for very long.

Bc it's a form of lovebombing to suddenly just *figure it out* one day and you're not a bad person for not being satisfied with it/not finding it to be enough to get you to stay.

No matter what they may say to twist the narrative and try to paint you as the bad person for not accepting it.

If they wanted to actually love you, they wouldn't have waited until your usefulness- as a punching bag, slave, and expendable character- was at the threatening point of leaving their grasp.

[abusedandromeda]

Grey Rocking Mega Post

Hey y’all! Sorry I’ve been gone but I’ve just been pretty busy lately but I’ve decided to talk about the thing that helped me the most throughout the last years of my abuse, which is the grey rock method. It can be used against toxic family members, toxic romantic partners, or maybe even toxic friends. Basically, in any abusive situation. It can also be used when meeting with said abuser after moving out of close proximity to them, such as during child pick up between divorced parents or during family reunions if you want to see a friendly relative.

Before we go on, just a quick trigger warning for abusive situations that are gonna be used as examples in this and since they’re based off my own personal experiences, they’re gonna feel a little more real than my other posts so PLEASE if you wanna skip the examples, there will be an “example start” and then an “example end”.

Anyway, let’s dive in!

What is the grey rock method?

The grey rock method is when you act as emotionally unresponsive as possible so the abuser loses interest in you in that moment. How you use is it that you don’t make eye contact with them and act uninterested. Don’t show many emotions, or any emotions for that matter, by having a flat voice, show no facial expressions and answering back with one or two words. Keep your sentences short so they don’t have ammunition to use against you or go off of.

I’ll give y’all an extreme example:

*EXAMPLE START*

Abuser: Why didn’t you put the dishes in the dishwasher yesterday?!

Victim: I’m so sorry. I was just so busy doing homework yesterday and I was just so tired and I just forgot. I’ll do it right now, I promise.

Abuser: Right now?! You were supposed to do it yesterday! I swear, you kids are so damn ungrateful. What do you even have to be tired about?! I worked a 40 hour shift and I still gotta cook for y’all lazy asses.

Victim: How am I ungrateful for not loading the dishwasher?

Abuser: Oh, so now you’re talking back?! You know what? Get the fuck out of my house before I (insert threat here) and go move in with your stepfather. You treat him so much better than you treat me. Since I’m such a bitch that you treat me like dirt, go live with him. Fuck you! Get out of my house after you load the dishes! *Storms out*

Victim: …but all I did was forget about the dishes…

It’s constantly draining when you try to defend yourself when, in reality, you will always be in the wrong. The abuser WANTS a reaction. They WANT to feel validated in their power. Now here’s an example with grey rocking:

Abuser: Why didn’t you put the dishes in the dishwasher yesterday?!

Victim: I was busy.

Abuser: Oh?! What were you so busy doing that you couldn’t take five minutes loading the dish washer?!

Victim: Homework.

Abuser: Oh, so you couldn’t have just done it after?!

Victim: I forgot.

Abuser: You forgot?! I bet you just did it to piss me off! You’re always acting so damn ungrateful! I ask you to do one fucking thing!

Victim: Okay.

Abuser: Fuck you! Go fill the dishwasher right now before I (insert death threat)!

Victim: Okay.

Abuser: UGH!!! *Storms out*

*EXAMPLE OVER*

Obviously this written example doesn’t have the tone of voices to fully show off grey rocking so if you want to see a video example, synful_ on tiktok has some on a narcissist romantic partner and a couple more dealing with parents so you can get the full idea.

What’s the point???

“So what’s the point of grey rocking? It sounds so isolating :(, bestie!” These are more personal points than using actual research, but for me, grey rocking:

Allowed me to plan an exit strategy without getting emotionally confused

Allowed me to create an distance between myself and my abusers

Allowed me to conserve at least a little more energy instead of wasting it during on sided arguments

Allowed me to create my own safe haven due where it was nearly impossible for my abusers to access because of how much I stopped telling them

Allowed me to have my own personality outside of the abuse

And, finally, gained confidence in my own ability to stop relying on them for both financial, physical and emotional needs

The biggest point was allowing myself to plan an exit strategy. I’ve seen some comments saying that grey rocking doesn’t work but when asked about it more, they’re saying their relationship is getting worse. YES, THE RELATIONSHIP WILL GET WORSE! IF YOU ARE READING THIS POST TO “FIX” YOUR RELATIONSHIP, THEN THIS POST IS NOT FOR YOU! SO PLEASE DO NOT USE THE GREY ROCK METHOD AS A LONG TERM WAY TO MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP BETTER! IT IS VERY DANGEROUS!

For me, the grey rock method worked for about 2 and a half years before I was able to leave, and even then my abusers freaked out and found out about my plan to escape. It was only luck (and a ton of lying) that bought me more time to have a place to move to so I wouldn’t get kicked out on the streets without any resources. Yes, abusers can get more violent with this method. Yes, abusers can get more tense with this method. That’s why it’s only short term like with a future exit strategy or during meetings with them every once in a while.

Personal stuff that makes grey rocking easier

I’m not gonna lie, grey rocking is hard, especially when you’re first starting out. You really do want to defend yourself and prove everything that they’re saying is wrong. That you’re not cheating or that you are grateful for the roof over your head. Because, in the end, you probably still love them and want to let them know that you’re not as vindictive and heartless as they’re making you out to be. It’s a long process that gets easier with time because of the emotional detachment you eventually end up with.

So, when I first started out, I was a young 16 year old just surviving from a fresh suicide attempt and wanting to get out but not knowing how. So one of my alters, Arson, hit me with this: “everything they say is a lie”. What does that mean? Exactly what it says. They say you’re ungrateful? Don’t believe in it. They say you’re a fat ass? Don’t believe in it. They say they’re there for you whenever you need them? Don’t believe in it. This is obviously a big extreme, but at a time where I was just too emotionally drained, it was just easier to stop believing in them entirely.

Give up any hope of a relationship. For me, it had been 16 years and nothing changed despite so much hope. Think of it like this. You haven’t stuck your hand in a fire because you know it’ll burn, and to find that out, you might’ve burned your hand years ago. I’ve stuck my hand out in that fire again and again hoping it wouldn’t burn. But fire is fire, it’ll always burn. Stop hoping it’ll turn to water.

Recording the abuse helps the last point. Even if it’s not legal, you don’t need to use it as evidence in a courtroom. You can just use it as evidence for yourself. If you ever find yourself faltering, listen to those recordings and remember the reason why. You can argue it just retraumatizes you, but it personally got my head out of my ass every time my mind went back to “but they’re family! They’re just having a hard time!” If you’re too nervous to record or just don’t have access to any recording device, then journaling about it in the moment also helps, although I’ve never tested that out.

Do not give them any personal information. “But Andromeda? Like credit card information???” No. Stop talking about your day. If they ask, just say good. Do not take initiative to start a conversation. If they’re the ones who start a conversation, don’t go in depth. Just give them simple answers. Don’t talk about things you enjoy, or about your friends or your hobbies. THEY WILL ALL BE USED AGAINST YOU AND WILL MAKE GREY ROCKING EVEN HARDER EMOTIONALLY.

Plus, it is kinda funny to watch them grasp at ways to manipulate you. When you’re months out and you’ve changed as a person, you’ll just start to watch them try to manipulate the old version of you and realize how stupid they actually are because they rely on information based on you from you. You’ll see what I mean one day lmao.

Long-term affects

I can’t say for sure that it’ll 100% affect you long term, but I’ll use myself as a warning that grey rocking MIGHT affect how you interact with people. I ended up less talkative in general, especially with strangers. Even if a stranger does try and talk to me, my tone of voice is always very flat and I give one or two words answers. Sometimes I’m not interested in the conversation, sometimes I just don’t have that much to say to someone I don’t trust. I found that it was just easier to navigate my life that way since I used to live with my abusers daily. My voice is more lively with people I know more closely, such as my therapist, 2 friends and alters.

The way I speak is actually the reason why I got diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder, which the diagnostics include “odd speech”. Odd speech also relates to autism and most likely other disorders so keep in kind that during a session where you’re getting diagnosed with something, they’ll note that down so please don’t be too shocked. I can’t say it’ll affect everyone this badly. You might be completely fine and have no after effects.

———————————

Anyway, I think that’s it! I’m pretty sure I covered everything, but please don’t be shy to ask questions since I might’ve missed some things. Right now, it’s midnight and I’m getting pretty tired so I’m pretty sure I missed some points but hopefully I got what I wanted all down. I really hope this helps someone out there in some way since, despite the after effects, this really did help me in my situation. Night, y’all!

[bulldogblues]

I cringe a little every time I see someone claim 'why would any man claim a trans identity for personal gain when he can just exploit women anyway?'

An abuser absolutely can and WILL use any tool at their disposal if it gives them an advantage in that moment and allows them to exploit someone else. And yes, this extends to falsely claiming a marginalised identity to let someone else's guard down.

This isn't specific to trans identities either. There are documented cases of straight men claiming to be gay specifically to get closer to women and exploit them as well.

LGBT communities, by necessity, are reliant on self-identity, but there needs to be a much more honest conversation about the safeguards we should have in place to prevent and call out abuse to accommodate that.