#testosterone was the best thing i ever did for myself. i feel like a much more complete version of myself now and its awesome

[officialspec]

Hi are you still doing the ama? I have a lot of general confusion and don't know whether I would consider T or not. I'm really scared of the negatives and for me they might outweigh the positives. If it's not too much trouble, could you make a pros and cons list of everything you've experienced? Please be open about the cons, I want a balanced veiw so I can weigh things up properly. Thank you sm!

i guess i wanna start by saying - a lot has changed since i started 5 yrs ago!! if youre curious or concerned, i would genuinely recommend booking an appt with a doctor and talking honestly about your goals to see if T is a viable option (obviously depending on location and safety etc)

one of my close friends wanted a more androgynous outcome, so theyre taking a lower dose to assess the changes at a slow pace and thats working well for them!! transitioning isnt an exact science, so theres always some give and take with medications to get a result you like, and doctors are generally willing to help facilitate that

for me, ive loved nearly every effect ive gotten from testosterone. i love my facial and body hair, i love my broad shoulders, i love the shape of my hands and face, i love my voice, i LOVE bottom growth. i like the way my hair texture has changed and my skin feels different. its great

for stuff im less fond of, i dont like running hotter and sweating more (sweating is like a huge sensory issue for me), and i dont like how my hair is thinning. but both of those are easily managed with small lifestyle changes, so its just kind of a mild discomfort most of the time. when i first started the mood swings were really difficult, but i was dealing with a lot of mental health issues at the time and its gotten much easier in the years since <3

[beatrixstonehill2]

"Lying in bed fantasizing about how badly I want to detransition. Lose these big soft boobs I've grown, never pass as a girl again.... not that I pass very well now, do I, boys?" Anna reached into her pants, pulling out thick, rock-hard foot-long cock. She shook it for the camera, its swollen foreskin jiggling. "What have I done to myself? My feminine little three-inch cock is monster size now. I already feel like I'll never be a girl again because I did this. My balls are the size of lemons, nice and plump. To think what'll happen to my girly body if I stop taking my testosterone blockers. Those giant balls will flood my body with so much T I won't need injections at all. I'll never be mistaken for a girl ever again.

I'm so happy I stumbled on this community. I was just a happy-go-lucky trans girl walking through life oblivious, wearing sexy outfits, flaunting my growing boobs on social media. A bunch of guys started messaging me telling me how poorly I pass and they're surprised I even bother continue keeping up the act with how masculine I look. For some reason reading these DMs made my cock hard. All the comments were from former trans girls who stopped their silly game of dress up and detransed. They showed me before/after pics of how girly they were, all totally gorgeous with big boobs and fat asses, only to become fat greasy men with balding scalps and beards, huge beer bellies covered in stretch marks and hair.

I could hardly believe it. They kept interacting with my pics, asking when I was going to detrans, telling my followers I was thinking of going on T. I could hardly keep up with it. I made a pretty infamous video, all dolled up in a sexy dress, telling my followers I wasn't detransitioning...... yet. I was just thinking about it a little. This opened the floodgates and my comments and DMs were 100% overrun by people cheering me on to detransition. A lot of them said the best way to know if you should detrans is take Rocket. It does make your balls huge but as long as you stay on blockers it won't detrans you to have them. Apparently any real trans girl will be mortified to have a growing cock, and finally get SRS out of desperation after going on Rocket, fakegirls will become obsessed with gooning their new plaything.

Guess what camp I'm in? Even at six inches I started going outside way less, finding porn more interesting by the day. Now I jerk off the second I wake up until the night. I don't let myself cum. I let it build and build, so my cock is bloated and swollen, covered in painful scratches from my nails from pumping it all day, then if I'm lucky I have a wet dream. When I go out, I don't see girls as the same thing as me anymore, I see them as targets to pounce on or humiliate myself in front of by going up to them and gooning to them. Which I've started to do quite a lot. Especially pregnant girls, I love finding a couple a pretty college girls with big guts full of kids, their tits bouncing in their little tank tops, and I'll walk up jerking with one hand, squeezing my balls with the other, gasping and moaning, telling them I want to break their water and force them to give birth. A few have even taken me up on my horny guy-brained offer.

Now I'm totally obsessed with being a voyeur and gawking at pretty girls as I pump my growing cock. This is going to get even more fun when my voice cracks and I don't sound girly anymore. As it is now when I goon in the girls' room the other girls hear me and just knock on my stall to tell me to masturbate at home. I can't wait until they start kicking me out for being a guy pretending I'm a girl.... surprised they don't now since it's soooo obvious I'm not a girl! I can't wait until my facial hair starts growing and I get hair on my big bouncy boy tits.

Since starting Rocket I've also already put on about 25lbs. Some of that is my big meaty cock but I think it's a good sign for the kind of guy I'm detransing into, like soooo many mtftm detransitioners I've met, I think I can expect to get very, very fat, which perfectly suits the kind of perverted gooner I'm meant to be. Sweaty, hardly bathing, sitting at home all day engaging with pornography, commenting all kinds of gross stuff, subscribing to loads of OnlyFans girls that look hot like I used to and perving on them like a desperate loser, telling them how much I goon to them every day, how much I wish I could knock them up and make them cum. Godddd I can't wait! I should do it, shouldn't I? Go off my blockers today? I need to!" Anna bit her lip, pumping her oversized cock. "I need to become a boy so bad I can't stop! I want these big swollen balls of mine to flood my body with T and totally ruin all the hard work of transitioning so young. I can't wait to get my titties removed and tell my doctors I was just a dumb boy playing pretend, as I get fatter and fatter and more perverted, hitting on my nurses and fondling my cock in front of them. There's this cute brunette who takes my bloodpressure who's been pregnant like four times, her boobs must be an H-Cup! I think next time I see her I'm going to grope her tits just to see what happens, I bet I'll get milk all over her scrubs, it'll be so hot! ❤️"

[midwestemokilledmygrandma]

Today, on the first day of pride month 2024, I am two years on testosterone :3 i tried not to be to sappy or over emotional about my 1 year anniversary but damn I am happy and damn my life has improved so much and I'm so much more comfortable and confident in my body and myself. medically transitioning is the best thing I have ever done for myself and for the first year and a half i was on testosterone (and the first 8 and a half years of my transition) I did not have a support system at all so I am incredibly proud of myself for getting here. I used to be so angry about being trans and so mournful of the life i could have lead had I been cis or had i been allowed to start hormones younger or whatever and now, despite all the dysphoria I still have, I find so much joy and peace and comfort in being trans. Not every day, some days r hard as fuck especially as I can't really bind anymore and my chest dysphoria is kicking my ass, but I feel like i can (metaphorically) breath easier these days. I genuinely feel like my life didn't start until I started T and now I'm a full living conscious person.

here's to many more years on T fr :]

[amethystsnow]

i often see it mentioned how for transfems estrogen increases happiness obviously, and also how it is easier to cry. these make sense, and i am definitely feeling those. however, something i dont see mentioned nearly as much is how it increases other emotions and feelings as well.

i feel more enjoyment in things. i have found multiple shows and games to be "one of the best i have watched/played in my life", which used to be a much more rare occurrence. along with this, i also laugh more. i find myself laughing out loud so much more than i used to, even if its something ive found funny before (i cant watch snapcube videos when my parents are asleep because i always laugh too loud lmao).

i feel more passionate about things. when a character i care about was revealed to be canonically queer, i literally cheered out loud, something i never actually did before. i also decided to make a source mod, and actually started by installing blender addons to allow for exporting those models, and started learning the source sdk and hammer, rather than just wanting to do something and not doing anything until i just forgot like i have done many times before.

i feel more pride. like queer pride obviously, but in this i mean being proud of myself. when i drew that little cat that i used for my little talking dude on streams, i was like "heh, thats a funny little guy (neutral)", but didnt really care about it because i felt it was bad, but when i drew what is now my pfp, which is basically the same drawing but its my fursona rather than my warriors oc, i felt so happy with it, even if it looks like it could be drawn by an 8 year old. it was something i made myself in a medium that i am very inexperienced in, and i feel more pride over that than really anything else i have made myself in my life. i am working on making a 3d version of the drawing, and it looks terrible and very simple, but its my first time ever trying 3d modeling, and i am very proud of my minimal progress.

i feel so much more confident in myself than i ever have. i have been posting pictures of my boobs online. i wore a crop top in public for the first time. im actually making progress on voice training rather than giving up like two days in because of thinking i sound like shit.

all of this is only three months into taking it. hrt is such a wonderful thing. i hope everyone who wants/needs it is able to get it, it has literally saved my life and i hope it can save more.

if you have similar feelings you would like to share, please feel free to on this post, i love hearing fellow queer peoples experiences (this goes for people on testosterone as well, i would love to hear your stories as well)

[brandileigh2003]

@flashfictionfridayofficial

Feel free to give me kudos or comments on AO3 too

Fandom: marauders (harry potter). Characters: remus lupin, Lily Evans. Wc: 997

CW: (+ other things that would be in tags)

talk of injuries, mental illness. Remus is trans. Post-prank. Pre-wolfstar relationship. Lily & Remus friendship

***************

“Remus?” Lily whispered, shaking his shoulder lightly. 

Remus sat up with a gasp. “Hm?”

“Why aren’t you in your room? It’s close to… Your time of the month. You have to be hurting sleeping here,” Lily sat down beside him, eyes furrowed in concern. “Were you crying, love?” 

“Um. I just. I can’t be around him,” Remus replied. He tried to ignore the crying question as well as the one about pain. Because the truth was, Remus hurt so badly. Every single joint was like it was on fire, and his stomach hurt because not only did the universe see fit to have him be turned into a werewolf before his fifth birthday, it had him born into the wrong body, and lately his period seemed to want to line up with the moons. Remus wanted to scream, or punch something. Better yet, punch Lyall. He didn’t think that Remus fully understood what it meant to take testosterone potions and permanently change his body. 

Lily’s compassionate voice broke him down and he finally told her everything about the month prior, of Sirius betraying one of his biggest secrets. He was honestly surprised that Snape hadn’t told her yet, but he supposed since the mudblood incident, she hadn’t given him the time of day. Which; good for her. He had hated seeing her in pain watching her oldest friend get in deeper with the other dark Slytherins, and although he didn’t want her to be in pain, being close to him would only get worse as the war loomed closer. 

“That’s… Oh Merlin, Remus. I am so sorry,” she said, wrapping her arms around him and rubbing his back gently.

He was crying again, and he hated himself, more than ever. He felt tired and weak, physically, mentally, emotionally. Plus  any other way that one can just feel ready to just lay down and not really care if they ever got back up. 

He wiped his face but winced at the still tender wounds on his face. Which was yet another thing that he would always have to carry from that night. The wolf was more angry than ever when he thought that he would finally have prey, not be hungry for once, and took it out more than usual on Remus. His hip still wasn’t right, and his face now was bisected with what would certainly turn into scars. 

“I was going to finally tell him, Lily. How is that for life just not letting me have anything good,” Remus finally said. Lily was one of the only people that he had confided about his feelings for Sirius. And what made it all so much worse is that Remus had been nearly certain that Sirius also had feelings for him too. But Remus should have known that he shouldn’t hope for anything. Instead of what he thought might be a new relationship, he now felt further from Sirius than ever. 

“Want to know something even more fucked up?” he continued, laughing hollowly. “I still love him. I want to forgive him. I want to run to him and throw myself in his arms. I want to write off everything that he did as pressure because of… Well. Everything with his family. You have heard enough that I am sure that you can imagine.”

“Remus, love. Nothing can excuse that betrayal. I know that things aren’t easy. And that Sirius struggles with mental health. But, he is supposed to be your best friend. His actions could have caused three deaths. Sev, James and you. Because they would either put you in a camp for dangerous creatures or execute you,” Lily said firmly but kindly. 

“I still feel guilty though. I should just let it go. It’s breaking James' heart every time he has to leave one of us to spend time with the other. Because I just can’t be around Sirius. Classes are hard enough. I go to the dorm as little as possible. I’m afraid I’ll just lose it. And any action would be something I regret. Yelling, forgiving him, kissing him. Nothing feels right. But if I just let it go back to normal, he won’t be so sad.” 

“This is about you though Remus, you can’t put everyone above yourself,” Lily said. 

“But if I don’t I will lose all three of them. James is his best friend, his brother, his soulmate, his… something. But. Eventually James will choose him. Or I will push James away so that he will be happy too. Because him and Sirius need each other. And Peter will do whatever James does.” Remus said. He had already spilled out everything else, so might as well get into his deepest fears too. 

Remus didn’t feel like arguing. “Everything hurts Lils. It all feels washed out. Dull. Food doesn’t taste good. I think I’ve forgotten how to smile. I can’t focus on homework, and I honestly don’t find myself caring either. I either can’t sleep or sleep too much. Even colors feel muted. I don’t even know how to explain it.” 

“Remus. You’re worrying me. This sounds like major depression,” Lily was playing with his fingers. 

“I’ll be okay, I promise. I am sorry, I shouldn’t be putting all of my problems on you. I was just…” Remus waved his other hand around uselessly. 

“Remus. I want you to always talk to me. I’m glad that you trust me. But. I think that you need help. Will you come and talk to Madam Pomfrey? Honestly, if you don’t, I am worried enough I will do it regardless,” Lily said, nervously. 

Remus didn’t have the strength to fight her, so just meekly followed her through the hallways and she sat with him while he tried to explain it all to the nurse. Pomfrey gave him a big hug and said that she had a few things that might help. 

Remus managed a small smile of thanks and could only hope she was right. 

**I do not agree with jkr nasty views. I love taking the characters and making them queer 🏳️‍🌈

[uncanny-tranny]

I’m sorry if this isn’t the right place to ask this, please feel free to ignore.

So I figured out earlier this year that I’m trans as an adult. And I was euphoric for months afterwards. I kept the knowledge to myself and did tons of research to really be sure and there was never and shred of doubt. So I eventually started coming out, by now I’m out to most people in my life and reactions have been better than expected, everyone is doing their best when it comes to using my new name and pronouns. I even found a therapist who’s cool and started my sessions so I can get testosterone next year hopefully.

But now it feels like I’m hitting a wall. I’ve been so stressed out lately and I feel a sense of near-constant dread. I had some fleeting thoughts of “omg what am I doing” when I first came out to the first people but that only ever lasted for a short time. But now I’ve been feeling that almost constantly the past weeks. And I’m so exhausted. I wonder if I’m making a mistake.

But on the other hand it feels nice when people use my new name and pronouns and I’m getting more and more used to it. I can’t wait to get on T cause I really want those changes and I could handle hair loss, acne and other undesired consequences.

So I guess I just wanna know if this feeling of dread and insecurity is normal. I suppose it is, this is an exciting time for me with huge changes on the horizon, but it’s driving me a bit insane lately. It’d help to know whether others feel the same and I don’t know where else to ask.

Sorry again if this ask is inappropriate or something

Honestly, I think the biggest contributor to these types of feelings is both that it is so new (i.e., getting almost... used to not identifying with the language people use for you and how you are conceptualized) and the fact that it's so much change in a relatively short amount of time.

I've seen this constantly over the years, and some of the biggest reasons I've seen people react "negatively" to their transness is that it is so much change and also... there is that sense of imposter syndrome that you start thinking you either don't deserve to be treated how you want and need to be, but also that you somehow are making it up or are about to make a grand mistake. Transition is often treated like this grave decision, that if you don't know for sure what you want that it's "not worth it" to pursue transition. I think that's unfair because... transition isn't something that needs to be treated like life-or-death, that you can't ever reverse part or all of your decision.

So, no, you aren't reacting poorly or weirdly in this stage of life. It's completely normal to feel almost out of place and unsure about how to process your inner feelings and the reactions from others. The best thing, in my opinion, that you can do is give yourself space and not place the weight of the world on your shoulders. You have time, and you are allowed to make whatever decisions about your life and how you spend it.

[odaatlover]

I want to start T but I’m terrified of bottom growth. Reading your trans cole fics have made it sounds really awesome but I don’t know if I’ll like it. I think I might but I think it scares me that I can’t go back if I don’t like it since it’s there forever. Did you feel this way?

Hey there! I think this is common for a lot of people wanting to start T based on what I’ve seen, so you’re definitely not alone! For me personally bottom growth was a huge selling point because that area is the biggest point of dysphoria for me.

I’m gonna get a really personal here as I share my experiences, but when have I not gotten personal on this blog 😂 I’ve never in my life enjoyed penetration. And I don’t just mean I’ve always had trouble enjoying it, I mean I’ve always hated it so much that I’ve never even fully tried it. As a teen I tried fingering myself one time, and literally two seconds later I was like nope nope nope nuh uh NOPE. And never again has anything ever been in there. I just knew from early on that it wasn’t right for me and so I’ve always disassociated from that part of my body and pretended like it didn’t exist - as I still do today. I could only experience pleasure if I imagined I had a penis, and this is something that I’ve experienced literally from the very beginning of puberty. It’s all I’ve ever known. It’s like my brain tells me I’m supposed to have one, like it’s just so wired in me. How did I not know I was a trans guy? Beats me…I thought this was a common experience for girls and everyone just wished they had a penis 😂😅

Because of this mental disconnect from that part of my body, everything involving sex was a huge struggle for me. I could only use toys during solo times because it was easier to convince myself that way and actually touching myself would remind me that it wasn’t real. And when it came to sex with another person I never received, only gave. I had accepted that I’d never get to experience sex like people usually do, and I had made my peace with it.

So when I was discovering myself and doing research on testosterone and how it changed that area, I was shocked. I was like, is this real? Could this really happen? And it has really changed my life. I’m able to connect with my body in a way where before there was such this huge disconnect. I still struggle with dysphoria and sex, but it’s not nearly as bad as it was before. Eventually I want to get bottom surgery - currently leaning way more towards metoidioplasty — as I know that’s going to make it even better. But for now, bottom growth has really been one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and I’m not as pissed off at the world 😂 Don’t get me wrong, I still envy cis guys and get pissed off about it sometimes, but now it’s only occasionally instead of 24/7 lol

So, it can definitely be pretty awesome. Especially if you’ve always wanted to have at least something down there. But if that’s not you, it’s really not that different because it won’t be huge you know? It all depends on your perspective. But I will say, you definitely do experience random boners, especially in like the first year. Of course nobody will be able to see it, but you can definitely feel it, and it can get very distracting and annoying. But over time it calms down more. That and having to wear boxers now are the main things I’ve had to get used to. And keeping it clean like uncircumcised cis guys do.

This was probably way more information than what you asked for, but I hope this helps!

[iuvant-tenebrae]

from High Tension (2003) review by Nathaxnne

"as a tween i am absolutely sure my body was expecting an estrogen-dominant puberty. although things didn't make sense they were mostly tolerable or at least i could ignore them by shutting myself up in my room and daydreaming. after the onset of testosterone-dominant puberty this was not possible. everything went completely wrong. the wrongness did not go. i was hoping it would. i was hoping i would get used to it. i never did so i basically conversion-therapied myself into what i thought was a conventional cishet male sexuality. the wrongness however went all the way down, into all of the systems, all of the cells of my body. it is a profound discomfort all of the time that flares into acute pain. your skin feels wrong, saturated with toxins it continually secretes but never eliminates. everything is distended and prolapsed or cut away narrowly. what you want might be ok but how you want it will never be, can never be right, no matter what you tell yourself or what you do inside to make it make sense to put the jigsaw puzzle together in the dark, forcing the pieces together good enough and hoping it makes an image legible to others even as you have fashioned yourself into a foreign hostile object, colonizing only first yourself. the potential for abuse, for atrocity, under such conditions is rampant and expected. you will never be able to get anyone to see you as you understand yourself and worse you will never be able to get anyone to understand that no matter what it looks like the way in which you want the way in which your desire is manifest is understood as noise as an interference pattern to oneself even as it 'looks ok' or 'checks out' a rerouted circuit a violence done. the revulsion, the shame, the being right about everything being wrong. people will tell you it is ok. it isn't ok or what will have to occur to make it ok seems impossible like it is something that you cannot even imagine happening so you live with it, the revulsion, the self-hatred, the violence. [...] the way in which i can understand my desire, my identity, is inextricably bound from the forces which produced me and which kept me from ever being able to be, manifest as such. i cannot help but be aware of this aspect of myself, both ever present and as a potentiality, a path from which to diverge even fractionally. as i grew older the urgency of needing to transition grew. i did not so much believe i could finally have the life i had denied myself as much as i desperately needed to avoid dying in what the world could only read as a man's body and what i regarded at best as a logjam in the eye of god, not yet swept away in the flood that follows an irritant, a blockage. i have only ever been a haunting or reverse-haunting, a tv ghost smeared by static into something unmappable onto its source, a vehicle skidding into overturn My gaze an icepick My gaze a switchblade My gaze a circular saw"

[endobiologist]

How is hormone therapy going? I've considered it myself but I'm nervous about it. Can you tell me a little about what its like? :)

Ah, thank you so much for asking!! I appreciate it!!

Well, the experience is really quite vastly different for every person on HRT.

For me, it was one of the best choices I have ever made in my life. I was hopelessly and horribly dysphoric for my whole life to the point of nearly not being able to function (dysphoria coupled with severe mental illnesses is for sure A Bad Time) and I was lucky enough to be able to get on it fairly early, thank God because I probably would not have lasted longer-apologies for that dark subject but it is necessary to mention for how much it turned my life around entirely.

I am still not fully transitioned to my liking per sé, as the full range of Testosterone's complete effects is a maximum of 5 years according to my research. I have been on it for nearly 2 years now. I plan to be on it for the rest of my life if possible, as I'd like all effects to stay forever-- I fucking ADORE every second of it, honestly I'm not afraid of needles either like most are so I literally get ecstatic & excited every time it's time to inject LOL!! Probably a weird reaction but--it legit makes me wanna throw a party every time those 2 weeks pass & it is time to.

(Not all forms of HRT have to be injected however, though it is the "strongest, most evenly distributed form" especially if done every 2 weeks instead of every 1 week,

as my doctor described it, which made me choose it--and coupled w my lack of giving a shit about injecting lmaoo)

I have had a lot of effects, I am also finally growing actual facial hair which is nice-though I learned I prefer my face clean-shaven or at least mostly, which is a hilarious twist tbh as I thought I'd want a full beard. I'm cool with both but I definitely prefer how I look without, so I shave every now & then currently.

My body looks entirely different, at least my shoulders and arms HELLA, I've had strong asf cis men say I'm built better than them which gives me giggle-fits of pridefulness LMAO--im petty ig--

but anyway to get to the true point--I would not be where I am today or perhaps here at all, myself, if I didn't go on it and exactly when I did. I am so extremely grateful for it occurring and that I have access to it at all--I am honestly hardly feeling dysphoria except on Really Bad days when it still hits me. Even things I should be dysphoric about and was in the past, idgaf about now. My chest barely bothers me now, and used to be my personal Hell. I have even decided to not do top surgery in the future which is... really bizarre as I was DESPERATE for it before (however this most-dysphoria-removal effect seems to be rare, so don't expect it to "cure" dysphoria, it didn't for me either but I'd say reduced it by like 90% or something lol. But most don't have that strong of a reaction)

My advice for you and every trans person on the fence about it, would be do a CRAP TON of research, on its every effect, type, etc. and talk to or read about/etc. as many people you can find who can give their opinions on their own experiences-as everyone has a different story!

If it is a "HELL YES" after that, then definitely go through with it. If there is still doubt, I'd wait. There is no rush as you can always decide to begin in the future

Know though, that if you do start it, but wish to stop later,

in some ways there's a "reset button",

but in some ways there is not.

Some effects will reverse if you stop taking T, like the fat & muscle redistribution, etc.

however some will stay, for example any body or facial hair that develops will then grow forever as the follicle is "activated" (male hair is a different subtype of hair, so once it's made it can't be reversed) and etc.

Be aware of which effects do this, and just in general, get as much information you can gather.

This info-gathering also has the added bonus, of impressing TF out of your endocrinologist if you do happen to choose to go the route of beginning taking it--

During the consultation, they'll ask if you know about it well, and for me, I began on a spiel of the things I knew & how much I researched because I was so excited to begin and how much it would help me.

By my Dr's reaction she was blown away by my very informed decision, that I had thought about it VERY hard, & I think that is what assisted me greatly in acquiring the prescription for it so fast.

Basically, if they either know or just think you are going into this without much context or don't seek it passionately, they think you may change your mind and that you're "going through a phase" or that you can't consent due to not enough information that you know on it for such a majour medical decision.

If you come in confident asf that this is what you need, and you're like "Yeah I know this, I got this shit locked down" they know they're dealing with someone who is very damn sure this is the path they need, and thus the doctor doesn't have to worry nor explain more, which speeds everything up.

Overall, I will end this by saying I wish you the utmost good luck, and that whatever path you choose, you feel happy and gender-euphoric!! Thank you for asking my advice & I hope I helped in any way!! 👍👍💜🏳️‍⚧️

(ALSO I SEE UR USERNAME MMMMMNN YES, SOMEONE WITH QUALITY TASTE IN CHARACTERS--LMAOOO SRRY IM A SHAMELESS WILLIAM FANATIC, I GOTTA MENTION THAT

UR USERNAME MADE ME LEGIT SMILE-- HAHDJGNGJGJGJG)

[terrisartwork]

how 2 become a girl [wip]

so you've decided that you can no longer be male and you want to purge the maleness from your body and replace it with femaleness. boy have you come to the right place. so it turns out that i also experience these emotions but every time i experience them it's like "woah, what the hell. this is esoteric and weird." and i go through harrowing emotional moments like "this feels good, actually i need to get this. i need to work on something. oh god, i feel bad again. oh wait, reconciliation. i need to." and it all becomes super abstract. turns out that gender is just fucking everywhere and is both pervasive yet understated in society, people just have no idea like how to talk about it. trying to wrap my head around it is probably the most laborious task i've ever done and even still i need it to eventually even out in the end.

[radio silence, that's all folks!]

actually uh, weirdly i think the whole process of realising myself as being female is quite bewildering. 'male' seemed like a best-fit model. After all, why would i grow facial hair, be into some guy-ish things but then [i hate men's deodrant, more masculine activities like foodball, i hate my body/facial hair, yet for some reason it just grows back so i just stop shaving after a world. too much of a pain in the ass.] anyway, so my body is like "hey bitch, you're going to be male and you're going to like it." but now i've tricked my mind into being like "nah-uh." and it's not actively realising that hey, maybe my body is just telling me lies about who i am. maybe i should stop paying attention to it. after all my body does not think but my brain does!

[this is the trick folks]

uh, how did i figure this out. now uh, turns out that like i always had these feelings but then like even realising that was just a harrowing whole-ass process and for the longest time i just put a pin in being female and then like never really acting upon it. acting on it and thinking, how to plan ahead, it becomes torturously speculative but then at the same time also exhausting, but sometimes little things come into place. hey, i like wearing dresses, i'm okay at wearing make-up and like it turns out i did have a naturally feminine vibe to myself that people just took objection to. so now it feels unnatural and the whole process is just about how do i feel less weird being female.

[shit, is it really this hard to be a girl!]

hormones, surgery, people are like "oh shit, these are EXOTIC healthcare options" but then actually they're just bodily autonomy. you would feel like shit if you were a girl and your body was producing testosterone like crazy. now, my first port of call with dealing with this. do not care. this is a temp strategy but then it's like CBT and rewiring your brain to figure out that "huh, maybe i actually do like being female. maybe there are things about this that appeal to me." and then just repeating that until it should become second nature to you.

[speculative territory]

now this is the part that i have trouble with and am still trying to figure out. how da hell do hormones work? should i just inject some random ones that i found off the internet? uh.....

damn glasgow trans healthcare only taking people from may 2018 [as of june 2023]. now if there was a way to go private. ah it's too scary for now. best just return back to a state of.... i can't. ah well, i guess one day in the future that, hopefully, one day, i will become a girl but then it turns out that trying to become a girl.... [sadness kicks in] it's just too hard for me to handle!

[this bitch is too lazy to transition so now she's just 'non-binary' for now. please just ignore anything that points to her being 'male' it's all a lie that her body is signalling.]

guy who hasn't been paying attention to my introspection for the last 5 years or so: "hey, how come this person is now a girl? that's soooooo unexpected and bewildering!"

[rhazimpulsivelyposts]

Or …or… there would be moments where I didn’t want to fck , or I didn’t want to sck. I’m not in the mood, or he is looking very unattractive today ew. But you know what? I would. And I would tell myself

“Well if you say no now it might cause him to stop asking all together or not ask when you actually want him to. He’s like a dog, I need to reward good behavior. Even if I’m not in the mood now, if I want him to keep initiating sex, I should say yes now so that he knows he can ask me in the future when he actually wants to fck instead of smoking weed and watching prn”

How sad. I don’t want to be in a relationship that becomes this transactional and hollow.

I loved him so much. I tried to hard to “make it work”

It’s been like 3 weeks no contact and … I don’t even miss him. I think I was so finally so done and unattracted by the time I left that the “I don’t want to lose my best friend” feeling just wasn’t there this time. Coupled with the hard reality that a different guy kinda appeared out of no where and is giving me everything that I have ever asked for (for the time being?) , if anything it makes me more upset. Like having my needs met so seemingly willfully easy makes me look back at all the times I voiced my needs and they were met with excuses why not.

Cumming doesn’t lower your fcking testosterone btch. Don’t lie to me, just say you don’t have a high sex drive. Just agree that we are incompatible with our love languages. Just accept that we don’t vibe together anymore and have grown apart and that I ask more from you than you are willing to give me. I loved him! I tried so hard to “make it work” . I went back to him and gaslit myself for like 2 years! I didn’t lie to him, I lied to myself.

I appreciate everything though, we did have really good times. We did have good sex (when it happened). He taught me things, fck he taught me to drive. I wouldn’t have the job I have now if I didn’t learn to drive and get my license . Fck I wouldn’t even be on medication or sought professional mental health help if it wasn’t for me TRYING anything to make that relationship work.

I hope I never pour that much energy into a relationship again that. A relationship shouldn’t be that hard. I shouldn’t have to change to much and sacrifice so much of myself to be with someone. They shouldn’t have to change and sacrifice themselves to be with me.

If working out and staying not chubbie is too much of a change for you, then you don’t have to be with me.

If cuddling me and touching me often, even hugs or kisses, is too much of a change for you, then you don’t have to be with me.

I’ll stick to casually openly dating. We can spent as much time together as we vibe together baby 😏 no commitment, no expectations, no promises. So when you switch up or we get bored there are no harsh feelings when we stop fcking with each other. We all have one life, don’t stay with people who don’t make you happy.

[sunnydaze03]

7/30/24- four months

it’s been a long time since i’ve wrote on here!! i haven’t forgotten about it- i’ve just been sidetracked with this program i’m apart of. it’s not going too well, but it’ll be over in two weeks, thankfully. hrt has been going well to an extent. i’ve been noticing lots of small changes for a while now, and i’m finally looking a bit different than i did when i started my hormones, but i wasn’t able to start working at the beginning of this month, so i couldn’t afford my meds in time. i’ve restricted myself to 2mg a day until i have the money, but it’s looking like this grocery store right next to my house might hire me. i’m calling them today, i’ll update how it goes! i’ve learned blockers aren’t so bad. i don’t feel like my testosterone has gone down all that much, especially now that i’m taking such a small dose. i have a friend who’s 18, and she’s going to help me buy my first vial of estradiol enanthate. i am forever grateful for her, and the hope is that i won’t have to worry about running out for another year or so, but anything can happen. worrying about your dose and having to short yourself for your survival is really not cool. i was thinking back to how things were before i started hrt, and i now realize i can *never* go back to it. this is life now. i saw a post a while ago that went something like “a low dose, is this really who you are?” and i don’t think it ever left my head. i’m ready to stop shorting myself like this. i wasn’t to feel fully like myself.

physically, breast growth hasn’t really stopped, but it’s been uber slow. i was hoping it’d have taken off by now, but i think it’ll be a little more stressful worrying about too much growth than not enough (?). things like body hair and fat distribution haven’t changed much, but i think both my skin and body odor are different from before. i definitely feel weaker than before, and it’s equal parts embarrassing, validating, and bothersome. my face definitely looks different now! i can’t pinpoint it, but my eyebrows, nose, cheeks, and lips specifically look more feminine.

mentally, i’ve experienced lots of clarity. i bawled my eyes out the other night harder than i have in a long time over a game. i don’t find things any cuter than before, and i don’t cry at small stuff. but i’m also only on 2mg. i don’t feel like this is where i’ll peak. i think that i think like a girl, but i don’t think hrt does that to you- that part seems inherent! i feel lots more validated being on hormones, but being stuck in perma-androgyny bothers me. certainly SO much less than only being perceived as male, but it’s just like, why can’t you see what i am??

i’m going to try writing here more. my senior year of high school starts on the first, and i have one more year until i’m an adult and don’t have to rely on diy anymore, although i guess that can’t be promised. i’m always hoping for the best. thank you for reading!

[limerent-licorice]

This is more of a vent blog.

Im pretty sure that nobody would read these posts and I think it would be better for others' minds as well if they don't read it. No pressure tho if u do want to traumatise urself.

Im not really sure why ive made this blog myself. Just that my mind runs wild at night and I just have a need to get rid of it so this is a way I try to make myself better.

Idk if I need an introduction considering that nobody would read this blog but if u do wanna know me just DM ig idk. Also idk whether I should mention this or not but I'm a guy if that really matters to u. I don't want ppl sending nudes tho. I hope u respect that.

Lately I've been feeling like I've been changing in ways that aren't really good. There's been this massive shift in environments lately for me and I remember that before I used to be very fun and energetic and very social. I've always been an introvert regardless and it's not that I'm not fun now just that I feel like I'm not able to connect with ppl the way I used to before. I'll just call this change of environments as a 'canon' (yeah ik it sounds very across the spiderversey but I'm not getting any other name in my head so imma just call it that)

It's not that before the canon, things were perfect. Ibe always had shitty mental health ever since COVID started. I was very deeply in love with this girl who was my best friend. I met her in middle school and honestly she wasn't the most attractive girl in the class but I was emotionally broken when I met her because my very own friends had betrayed me and I was finding it difficult to trust literally anyone. When all hopes for making any sort of friendship were lost, she entered my life. I was innocently but deeply in love with her. I never really told her that I felt that way for her because I had self image issues and I didn't want to lose the only friend that I really had. Maybe if I did risk it then things would've turned out different for me. But that very year she shifted abroad and I was like "fuck what just happened". She kinda did heal me from what I was going through and got me to an extent where I could at least believe in myself that I wasnt completely unlovable. Things went well for an year, I entered high school. Made couple of friends who were rarely guys because of the massive distrust I had in them. I was pretty accepted despite that tho. Like it might sound odd to many for a guy to ba part of a friend grp which is filed with girls but it never felt that way for me. Im pretty sure the other guys just kept thinking that I'm gay or I had low testosterone and what not but well Idrc as long as I'm protecting myself. And then boom COVID hit everything went online and I started to go onto social media platforms to stay in touch with ppl. That's when I got close to her again and this time, we got much more closer. She had some shitty friends abroad which made her to value those more back in her hometown. Which meant shed spend more time with me and her other friend whom we had a trio with. Well her other friend had always been along in my life and just that it's after I met her that I started to acc get close to her friend as well. Im gonna give these characters dummy names later but for now all u need to know is that we got close. It might feel like everythings going good but well life is like a tv show with small advertisement break like moments of happiness. And the break was over. I got a little too attached to her and fucked things up in short but we still stayed friends somehow. Things got toxic but her friend at times would seem manipulative of her and I realised that I was not the only toxic one here. This caused a lot of mental fuckups which eventually led to the end of the friendship two days before graduation. HOW FUCKING CINEMATIC.

Coming to the present that is now in college. Ukw I'll just let it out. Coming to college is the canon. Now that things are done with with the friend grp I had and that now I'm gonna start afresh. I came to college as a blank slate. I did have a lot of lessons I learnt n shit cause of all the drama but after I came to college, I realised that everything here works differently. All the old ideals n stuff its all inexistent. Like for example in my hometown, being homophobic was like a big nono and now here it's just totally normal. It almost felt like I'm surrounded by cavemen. And it just feels odd and unnatural honestly. So I decided to just ignore everyone else's opinions and values and what nots and just know them for who they are instead. Adding insult to the injury, I was raised in a place where speaking English was the norm due to a wide range of diversity n stuff but here, they just speak the local language. I mean we are a part of the same country and I do know the language but since I was raised in English completely, I had little to no experience talking in the native language which made communication evem more awkward.

With everything that's happened and everything that's going on, I realised that I'm losing my older self which everyone used to somehow seem to love. Idk whether I'm not able to propagate to others effectively or what but I feel like everything combined together is just ruining my old serene self. Like ofc the older self was filled with toxicity and trauma but I found my way out and found peace with who I was. And I was making new friends to a good depth and ppl were understanding me better and I used to help ppl cope with their emotions and everyone seemed to love me then. Now that I'm here, I don't see depth in ppl at all. Im not able to form bonds the same way anymore. And I feel like that side of me is just dying. Considering how much effort it took for me to build that side of mine, I feel like if I lose it, I've lost myself completely and I can't really say anything to anyone because my older friends are no longer present in my life and the newer ones don't understand me.

So I made this blog where I try to find myself by posting what I used to be to remember everything I went through to gain back that version of me.

[nostalgiqueajamais]

Movies That Blew My Mind (2024)

I recently saw 3 new movies. (Well, "recently" as in starting from 2023)

Wonka (2024): The Oompa Loompa was the best part! Can't stop dancing to the song. I admit, I was worried that the movie would be corny. At the same time, I was (cautiously) optimistic because it was starring Timothee Chalamet and, he is a good actor so I knew that, if nothing else, his performance would be good. I don't want to spoil too much. I will just recommend it. Speaking of Timothee Chalamet...

Dune Part 2 (2024): I saw it in the theaters and did not disappoint, aside from the part where the movie was dubbed in French. I didn't mind but my sister did. It was hilarious... because it didn't happen to me. I rewatched Dune Part 1 to remind myself because I completely forgot that I had watched it and didn't remember until the end of the movie. Beautifully shot. So witty. I wanted to cry because of how amazing the movie was. And of course, the cast being who they are, wonderful acting. I do have a bias for Zendaya but with good reason - she is just a wonderful, wonderful actress and as a bonus, she is gorgeous. Timothee Chalemet's presence. Woo! I saw him in a whole new light. I mean, I already thought he was very good looking and I liked him as an actor. But that role as Paul really made me want to crush on him. But I won't because he's in a relationship and I don't crush on people in relationships.

Lisa Frankenstein!!!!! (2024) starring Cole Sprouse. So witty and funny. Very dramatized. It was giving Heathers. So macabre and dark that it was ridiculous but that's why I loved it so much. There was something very comforting about the film. Which may sound sick if you actually see the movie but I mean comforting in the sense that it reminded me of old films that I loved like Heathers and Jawbreaker. Both actors played their roles so well, that it made me cringe.

A Shop for Killers (2024) on Disney+. I subscribed to Disney+ solely for the purpose of watching this series. I mean, Lee Dong Wook; need I say more? I almost stopped watching through Episode 4 because Jeong Jianman was dead and I was like "What is the point of watching if LDW is dead?" But Episode 5. I don't want to be that gross person but if I'm being honest, the amount of testosterones in that episode made me want to jump into the screen. LDW - even his shadow is handsome and sexy. Ugh. All the actors playing the mercenaries were sexy. The action sequences were fantastic. And I love the main character too. I love how the film shows the character going through the motions as she finally faces a situation that's out of her league, something that she's only ever trained for in theory. Most Korean movies, not all but a majority, will make the main character so badass, so flawless, that it sometimes gets corny. I still enjoy those series too. But watching a character who's still very badass lose in a fight adds a sense of realness to the character. She still wins at the end of the day but, she takes a lot of punches from a giant dude. Giant relative to her. It's realistic. I'm glad I kept watching it as the series kept getting more interesting each episode. There were a few scenes that went on for a while and made me lose interest but the last episodes are worth the watch.

Poor Things. My initial reaction was that it was brilliant!!! I loved Bella Baxter and found her very inspiring. I was feeling very stuck post-breakup when I watched the movie, and seeing her view life in such a curious and wonderous way made me want to get off my a** from moping do the same. I loved how the world was designed to show us how Bella viewed it which was very bright, magical and big in the beginning as she first ventures out into the world and gets more and more realistic towards the end. (Realistic being relative here) The conversations were unhinged, witty and very insightful. My seconds thoughts on the film were that it is sick when you think about how she has the brain of a child in the beginning, which can be easily overlooked because you're watching Emma Stone who is an adult. But the film portrays how some people in powerful positions take advantage of young and naive people. In the end, the takeaway the film is that it has an empowering message; Bella Baxter prioritizes her freedom and chooses to live her life the way she wants to (although, I probably won't be doing the same as her, I appreciate the message), kindness, and education above all else, so I still recommend it.

Kung Fu Panda 4. I was a bit disappointed when I realized the Furious 5 wasn't going to be featured. The movie started a bit underwhelmingly. And at the risk of being obnoxious, I could guess the plot point from the beginning butttttt.... the climax!!! Seeing all of Po's older nemeses come back - there was something powerful about their presence together in the same place. The fight scene between Po and the Chameleon in Po's form was amazing. Props to the animators. But the best - absolute best part was when Po defeated the Chameleon and returned the powers to the warriors. When they stepped out at the same time, ugh, epic. And when they bowed to him. Saw it coming. Still amazing. I love how the villains, despite being power hungry, they all had a sense of honor. Or at least respect towards the one that returned their power. They were all talented and skillful in their own right. But in all the previous films, their obsession with power overshadowed their skills. This film also highlighted why Po was the dragon warrior. Despite the chameleon having all of the warriors' kung fu, Po was still able to fend himself against her. Oh, I loved seeing Po as a more seasoned, experienced professor of Kung Fu and it weirdly made me emotionally when I remembered Po from the first film when he was a kid essentially who knew nothing about Kung Fu. Lastly, I like how the animators kept a consistent ending with the tree growing. It started out as a flower/seedling and now it's a baby tree. I wonder, will the franchise keep going until the tree is full grown? I kinda hope so.

[theway-itwas]

20240103

so here it is: the first post of the year.

i am confused. beyond confused and spiraling deeper and deeper into a void that will be impossible to claw my way out of. i am being pulled in different directions, constantly. it is killing me.

i am at no point of "i don't know how much more i can take". i'm at the point of needing to choose which path to follow. but how could i choose? i have already let this get too out of hand. i have already succumbed and allowed myself to get myself into this situation. on the one hand, i am way too deep into it that i don't think it would be possible to get out. on the other, might as well do it now, right? cleanly break it off, though it would be painful. there would be splinters, but nothing was ever set in stone anyway. it would just be a couple lies.

i'm starting to feel like i've been lying my whole life. to myself, to others, to inanimate objects and figments of my imagination. i lie in rooms alone, to the walls and the ceiling and the floor. i lie when no one is there to watch nor listen.

i can't decide. i am being torn apart and it is killing me. slowly, it is killing me. i am in a constant state of suffering. i have grown so used to it that the pain has become bearable. but there is no longer a happy ending to this story. if i go down the path that tempts me, i still see myself suffering. i still see myself having to rebuild entire empires that i will have destroyed. but if i go down the path that is ahead of me, it will be no different. i will still suffer. i will mourn the civilizations i could have built--ones that may have challenged rome. glorious empires that could have flourished will haunt my dreams, as they have for the past two years.

i can't choose. how could i possibly choose? do i stay because i want to? or do i stay because it's easy? do i stay because it's more comfortable to do so, and i feel more secure here than if i were to travel to a land i've never been to? or do i stay because i want to, and i love where i am and who i'm with.

if i left desi, it would be catastrophic. i fear my friends would see me differently. i fear i'd be losing my best friend, someone i have built a genuine connection with. a strong, loving, and safe connection. i don't feel so safe. maybe i never did. what would i tell cass? my parents? what would they tell their family? their brothers? their friends? they speak of me so highly, i couldn't bear the thought of the family i have acquired viewing me as a monster. i'm not a bad person. at least, i don't think so. maybe they'd finally be seeing me how i truly am.

some days are easier than others. it feels almost comfortable to think of them as a boy. it feels almost normal to call them my boyfriend, to imagine them as my husband. to imagine them starting testosterone and helping them do their shots. to see them transform into a man, slowly. i think it would kill me. some days, it feels almost okay. almost. always almost. it has never been fully there. i don't think it will ever fully be there. i don't think i will ever be okay with it, completely. maybe i would get used to it, sure, but i would never reach the point of complete acceptance or compliance. if i stay with them, and watch them transform into a completely different person, i think i will spend the rest of my life mourning the loss of the life i could have had. the wife, the woman, the beauty. the thing i always dreamed of, just out of reach. the one thing i felt i've deserved, that i have been owed for years, once again stolen from me at the hands of a man. it really is always an angel, never a god.

but everything i've ever wanted is still possible. it's still here, right in front of me, more obvious and more tempting than it ever has been before. carmen, the prettiest girl i've ever seen. interesting on all fronts. captivating, kind, funny, and genuine. the girl of my dreams, quite literally. the invisible string. the one thing i have always wanted and still want, right in front of me, that i am forced to leave behind for a life of longing. i fear if i stay with desi, i will spend the rest of my life longing for her. longing for the chance to come back, where i could have left easily. if two people can't stay away from each other, maybe they were never meant to be apart. it kills me to think that i could have everything, that it's just out of reach, but i could get there. it's not impossible. and yet, i'm still forbidden. i'm still held back.

in all my dreams, they are always portrayed the same. my dreams of desi are haunting, are hurtful. they do not end well. they are nightmares, where i am consumed by regret and pain. but my dreams of carmen are sweet. they are dripping with honey, every single time, without fail. they are dreams where i find her, and she finds me. we always find our way back to each other. they are only painful when we are torn apart. my dreams of her are of us finally getting to experience the beginning of something beautiful, and there are always the means to an end.

it's like all the signs are pointing in the right direction, but i still can't go there. something is holding me back, constantly. something is always pulling me away. it's like i'm not ready for it yet. i am so afraid that i'm running out of time. every passing day is a day where my window is closing. she will find someone for her, and it will kill me. i want it to be me.

i can imagine a life with her. i can imagine wanting children, wanting to grow old. i can imagine being her biggest fan and strongest supporter. i can imagine going to her art galleries with flowers. dressing up together. cheering her on and wanting, genuinely, to see her succeed. i can imagine being her muse. the thought of it being someone else is unbearable. i can see her dressed up, as beautiful as ever, and kissing her after telling her that she's the prettiest thing to ever walk this earth. i want it to be real. i can see it, physically, and tangible.

when i imagine a future with desi, it is regretful. resentful. angry and sad. miserable. i can imagine us living comfortable, but never fully being happy. the days will still end in arguments. i will still never be able to convey my sadness without having to comfort them. i will still have to learn to love the things they love, and not resent them. i will still have to convince myself not to loathe them when they do something i don't like.

i will still have to watch them turn into something i am incapable of loving.

maybe that's the missing piece. maybe all they lack is gender. maybe carmen seems so fulfilling because she fits into my perception of myself and the world. maybe i just want a wife.

maybe i'm a sick narcissist with a god complex, yet the most crippling self hatred possible.

i still feel guilty. i still feel horrible for letting myself think about anyone else that way at all. but i just want to be happy.

is that a crime? wanting to put myself first and allow myself to be happy, even if that means inconveniencing others in the process? is selflessness always kind? is it unwavering? or is there an acceptable level of selfishness?

what is right, truly? what should i choose? how could i ever possibly decide?

i have built a life for myself that i have convinced myself is set in stone. i am still young. i am so terrified that if i don't take shots now, and if i don't set strong foundations for myself now, that i will end up killing myself down the line.

is my happiness truly the most important thing in my life? or could i sacrifice that for the wellbeing of those i care about?

i wish things weren't so absolute. i wish i could ask them to just let me try it out--while i'm still young and confused. i do love them, i have so much love for them that sometimes it's overwhelming. but i fear that if i don't allow myself the chance to experience what i've always wanted, that i never will. and i don't want to live the rest of my life wishing things could have been different.

it's so scary wanting to choose carmen because i already have my life with desi. if i stay with desi, it is guaranteed to last a lifetime. i am secure in this spot and i will guarantee no heartbreak. at least not romantically, i will probably break my own heart waking up next to them every day. but at least i won't be waking up alone. if i chose carmen, it isn't even guaranteed to go anywhere at all. it isn't guaranteed to last. what if i choose her, and we break up? what if i never find anyone else after that? i would have thrown away the life that was cemented, on a whim, for someone who didn't stay with me. i would be throwing away an entire life for a short, fulfilling portion of it.

i'm afraid of what leaving would cost me. i have found someone so close to perfect for me, but not quite there. we are so similar, have similar interests and views and morals. we are so alike it's like we were almost made for each other. almost. always almost. never quite there yet. maybe we were never meant to be with someone so similar. i'd have to change a lot if i chose to be with carmen, assuming that she would even want to at all. assuming that she still feels how she once did.

she once did.

i almost had her. almost had just enough time to figure things out.

almost.

but never got the chance to.

these thoughts have plagued me for almost two years. always the same battles. always the same dilemma.

i have no idea what to do. i don't know what's right. i wish i could be given a sign, anything to confirm the path i should follow. i don't believe in god, but maybe that would be easier. i truly think there's nothing. no meaning to any of it all. whatever i choose will have to be my decision and my decision alone.

and i still can't decide.

[odaatlover]

hi! how long did you know you were trans? I think i am, it’s been on my mind for about 7 years now, and me pronouns feel right, (born female) but i also don’t know how to ask people to start changing what they refer to me as? i don’t know if you have any advice for me, or if any of this is too prying/personal but i could use some guidance if you could offer it. :)

Hey there! It’s hard to pinpoint an exact moment when I knew I was trans because it was a lot of different moments - both big and small - that led to my decision to transition. From an early age I wanted to be a boy, literally as long as I can remember. I would make birthday wishes to wake up the next morning as a boy. I would choose boy avatars and video game characters anytime I had the option because it was the only time I got to be one; in a pretend world. But at this age I didn’t realize this meant that I was trans. I thought everyone felt this way and did these things…which I now know is not the case 😂

When I was around 20 I started to question my gender identity. I knew I didn’t feel like a woman, but I didn’t realize that I was a man. I was still stuck in the mentality of what had been engrained in me my entire life - I’m a female, therefore I’m not a man. Also this was 2012 so there wasn’t that much trans representation out there. At least not like there is today.

At 27 years old I started binding. I still had long hair though, but I gradually cut it shorter and shorter over time (every couple months I’d cut it). At that time I started to look into testosterone to become more androgynous looking. I identified as non-binary because I didn’t feel like a woman, nor a man.

And then about 9 months later a month before turning 28, I started testosterone. My voice changed rather quickly. There was a noticeable difference within the first week. My face also started to change too. As all of these changes happened, I became more and more excited. The more people read me as a man, the more I felt seen. I didn’t want to be gendered as a woman or anything that wasn’t a man because it felt wrong and I hated it. This was when I realized I’m not non-binary, I’m a trans man. So about 2 months after starting testosterone I changed my pronouns and started going by a more masculine name - which I have changed legally since then! All of those moments growing up suddenly made sense. The whole reason I didn’t feel like a man before was because I was trying to relate manhood to the experiences of the men I knew - cisgender men. But obviously as someone who is AFAB, my experiences won’t be the same. It took me a long time to figure that out, but the more my body because more masculine and matched who I am on the inside, the more everything clicked. I don’t think I ever would have discovered that if I hadn’t started testosterone.

So that’s my story! As for advice on changing pronouns, just start telling people. That’s what I did. I also posted it on social media so people knew. I don’t have much advice on how to change your pronouns when you are around people who refuse to use them, as I’ve never come across that issue luckily. I’ve only ever worked at places that were accepting and encouraging/supportive of my transition, and all of my family members who weren’t supported I cut ties with…which was basically all of them lol. I realized I deserved to be happy, and chose myself over them. Plus, the thought of having only one life to live and spending it pleasing others at my own expense gave me a ton of anxiety, so cutting off those toxic relations also helped my anxiety tremendously. I haven’t had a single panic attack since!

At this point I’m rambling, but I hope this was at least somewhat the answer you were looking for! Best of luck to you, and remember to just do the things that make you happy, because you deserve that 😊