#that didnt make me less autistic it just made me fucking hate you

[my-chemical-aromance]

sometimes i discover terms and words that describe the things i do that are associated with autism but whenever i bring them up i always get “you were never like that before!!”. i used to get in trouble at school, at home, at church for talking so much. I’ve always been hyperverbal I just didn’t know there was a word for it back then. even after i knew i was autistic but didnt know being hyperverbal was a thing i told people i stimmed by talking. before i knew echolalia was a thing i chalked it up to just liking how things sounded or it being a form of stimming.

you’re telling me that just because there’s a word for what i do that’s associated with autism, suddenly I’ve never displayed this behavior before?

all that learning these terms has done has made it easier to understand and explain myself. instead of saying “i talk a lot because I’m autistic and it’s a form of stimming which i do to self regulate” i can now say “i’m hyperverbal because i’m autistic.” or instead of saying “i’m not repeating you to be mocking it’s just something i unconsciously do when i like a noise or word or how you said that word.” I can say “I use echolalia because i’m autistic, thats why i repeat things the way i do.” In both these examples not only is the second option more concise it’s clearer and people understand me better.

i’m not going to apologize for wanting to understand myself and wanting others to understand me.

[tysonfurybattlepass]

Heard you were looking for some anon hate, so here's some that I've thought about over the past few years 😉

Your art is pure garbage. Your shading is so basic and yet it looks worse than the drawings on wikihow articles, and your colors are an abhorrent mix that looks like neon puke. Literally one of the first tips beginner artists get is "don't use the airbrush". And what do you do? Airbrush the fuck out of your markings and shading! Your older anatomy and character designs were far more superior while the newer ones are a bastardized version of their former glory days. I'm younger than you and I can actually paint and pick good colors lmao

You haven't improved at all in 5 years. You actually got worse! You're drawing the same snarling cat 20 times a month instead of working on your backgrounds, shading, anatomy and compositions, and their jaws still look crooked with displaced teeth Every. Single. Time! I wonder how strong their bite force is when the lower jaw is at a 45° angle from the upper one?

All your characters look crazy and deranged and like absolute psychopaths. It's not a good look for your "brand" <3 And their torso takes up 90% of their body. How are they supposed to be strong beasts when their stumpy legs can barely hold the weight of your bad stylization? And you call that an improvement instead of godawful anatomy!

And then, and then!! Y're constantly making new characters, drawing them a bunch and forgetting about them! Algernon, Jarith, Lucia, Geneph, Xiaoya, Bailey, Jicama, Utah, Felin, Civen, Afryea, Thyodore,.Tyson (Aster's pet Inostrancevia), Donnie... And you have even more that you haven't even posted about? How does it feel to know that someone knows your characters more than YOU do? Talk about being an irresponsible artist

You're not even creative enough. "Here's a species that looks exactly like a cat but trust me guys it's not a cat, see? it has two extra arms!" "Here are 20 smilodons that are yellow-brown and have spots, but I love all of them and can differentiate between them!!" "Here's a leopard seal who's bigger than the natural ones and is a made-up species (who's supposed to be part bear and I definetely didnt forget about that) even though nothing is different between her and a regular anthro seal!!!"

I hope you give up on art. It won't take you anywhere in life, just like your autistic interest in paleontology won't help you. You didn't even get a superior education, so it's clear you'll live your life working minimum wage jobs because you're not qualified to do anything better. You’re lazy as fuck and you have no excuse for how weak you are.

You say you have 1000 followers but you barely pass 10 notes on your art and even less on your vents, and whenever you demand people to send you asks daily, nobody says anything. So not even your followers like you. They're just observing your every move and are laughing at your pain. The only thing you're good at is being daily entertainment for me and hundreds of others like me.

All your "female" characters loook like males regardless of what they identify as. It's as if you're incapable of drawing women.

Hooray for making all your best characters trans since you seem to be allergic to normal people. I'm glad you confessed that you support the mutilation of middle schoolers / transing gender non-comforming females (Azure).

You call yourself a "he/they" but you're still competing in the women's category cuz you know you wouldn't last in a fight against real men. You're such a failure that even your step father calls you his daughter publicly. (Your parents surely are disappointed in what you've become. I wouldn't be surprised if you were the reason for their divorce)

Only a few years back you were a proud tomboy girl, but I guess you hate yourself so much that you project your self-misogyny through self-identification and an atrocious art style.

You even chose the name “Tyson”, like that troon Chris Tyson. Considering the recent controversy, that’s what people will associate with your name, not whoever “Tyson Fury” is, and truthfully you deserve it.

You're so fragile being called a girl when you look, sound and act like one. Girl. Woman. Female. Dike. Lass. Lady. She. Wahine. Kaikamahine. Did this make you cry some pathetic manly tears? 100% sure you look like the soyjak in the soyjak vs chad meme right now. Can’t wait to read your breakdown on tumblr, if you’re not going to outright delete every account you have to escape me

Typical white girl starving for attention online behavior lmao.

You boast that you are "hot" but you are objectively ugly, not even mid. Your undercut is shit and your face is so damn bland. Your fursona is strong and beefy but you have a thin female body with stick arms and visible breasts. Talk about projection and an inflated ego. You're oozing with narcissism, and I wouldn't be surprised if you got diagnosed with it. It would 100% suit you.

Your "girlfriends" are still lesbian women, but you’re not one? “Transmasc butch lesbian” my ass, you absolute pooner. It’s not that hard to be a regular woman. Pretty sure you're not even dating them, you're just friends who haven't even held hands. And you’re still a virgin lmao. No bitches? 🥺 And you have not one, but two, because you're insecure in your feelings and can't commit to only one person since you need that external validation. I'm sure they're cheating behind your back because they know you wouldn't check on them.

I hope your sleep apnea kills you in your sleep. You deserve it.

L + ratio + you’re a loser + cope and seethe

Don't bother blocking and reporting me, I said all I had to say, I don't plan on interacting with you anymore and I don't have this level of hatred against anyone else.

Now, have I stalked your accounts until their beginning, or have I followed you for a really long time? Or a secret third thing (I stalked you for a really long time)?

the color thing is true but you should get a job

[ankhisms]

have experienced what feels like 800 emotions in rapid succession on a rollercoaster today and it hasnt even really been a bad day honestly or anything im fine you know how it is

my mood swings have just been a lot stronger than they usually are since thats one of the biggest things my meds are for theyre like supposed to be a mood swing stabelizer but anyway

something that im aware is related to my more severe paranoia and obsessive compulsive issues but is less severe and more just adjacent to those is like being scared that im somehow a hypocrite about various random things or that im somehow secretly an awful horrible person who hurts people and does bad things without me even realizing that im doing that. im also aware that this very much stems from the way my abuser treated me and also the behavior of ""friends"" i had when i was younger who just now as im older i realize honestly didnt even like me and kept me around to make fun of me and be cruel to me together as a kind of group bonding thing.

which sucks because when im doing self soothing techniques and trying to calm myself down or even just approaching these thoughts and talking myself thru things it can be hard to counter the fear of "what if my friends or people i know in general actually talk together about how im an awful person and they hate me or talk together about how ive done something wrong without telling me?" with "no thats not fair or true and not based in reality" because it very much WAS reality for me. not in the sense of me having done something "wrong" in the past with those ""friends"" but like them being cruel to me and making fun of me when i wasnt around and the things i did ""wrong"" were just my autistic traits and other symptoms of my various mental things especially during that period of my life where i was completely unmedicated and had just gotten away from my abuser and was still in the awful school environment of being harrassed every single day.

anyway its really like. i know i shouldnt worry about this, rationally i know this. but just because i know something isnt rational it doesnt make my brain stop obsessively thinking about it so its like i could see someone saying "i hate when people go to the moon and jump up and down and sing the abcs" (ridiculous example bc i cant think of anything else) and i could at first go oh yeah i get that and like their post but then my brain will go but what if ive done that without realizing it and they see me liking their post and they go "ugh rey this post is about YOU and people like you and youre such a hypocrite and dont even know it" and the spiral begins. and in the end i guess all of this just goes to show that having people pretend to be friends with you only to hate you and ridicule you and pick apart every little thing you do behind your back really fucks you up.

also thinking about the ex close friend who cut me off out of nowhere with no explanation for seemingly no reason about a year or so ago now and ive continued to have kind of taking off the rose tinted glasses moments where i loved and cherished this friend so much that i excused how shitty they treated me at different times. not at all saying they are or were a bad person or that there was any abuse going on or anything like that but im just realizing that we both come from dysfunctional abusive families and we both have our own physical and mental problems and so throughout our friendship we both mightve not made the best choices or couldve handled things better and im not exempt from that. but also i realized that he would not tell me if i had done something to upset him and it would be like a guessing game for me and would really stress me out and make me feel awful

and its like. now as im older i would want to be able to talk things out and understand what had happened and be able to apologize and work on doing better. and in general thats something i really try my best on like i think in the past i would really get stuck in obsessively overthinking in self analyzing and get into moral obsessive compulsive spirals that just ended up hurting myself more than helping me grow, and anyway i always want to be able to step back and look at myself and my actions and be willing to listen if someone tells me ive done something hurtful or that i need to re-examine my behavior and beliefs, i think im pretty good at listening to people about stuff like that and have gotten much better about not falling into those spirals i just mentioned and examining myself in smaller healthier doses

but at the same time i do really get worried that people just arent telling me that theyre upset with me or that ive done something wrong or hurt them in some way. i really just want to be a good friend to people and i dont want people to be scared of coming to me and talking with me if ive done something to hurt them or to just talk about things with me in general and i dont want people to think im so fragile and mentally fucked up that theyd be scared of upsetting me by telling me id done something hurtful and letting it fester instead. i dont want to hurt people i want to spend my life making people happy and helping people and being a good friend, thats what i want most out of my relationships in life overall. i want to make people feel content and happy and safe.

but idk i just get scared. please be honest with me be upfront with me be blunt with me even i know im traumatized but i wont shatter into a million pieces if you tell me youre upset with me ill appreciate you being honest about it and ill stop whatever it was i was doing or work on it. i know im bad with social cues bc of autism and if i misunderstand something or say something inappropriate/out of my lane due to this please just tell me yknow

i really hate that my brain is like this and that having been abused and mistreated in the past has made me struggle like this because i want to trust that people arent talking badly about me or angry with me secretly i dont want to be so paranoid i dont want people to feel like they cant be honest with me or that im made of glass and that ill shatter if they tell me theyre upset with me, i want to trust that the people in my life like me and dont secretly hate me and im really trying hard but paranoia isnt something i can just magically wave away yknow its something im probably going to be dealing with for most of my life and im always kind of scared that people are going to get tired of my paranoia

despite living in survival mode constantly i still love all the people in my life a lot and i just want everyone to be happy and safe and i always wish there was more i could do to help everyone and i want everyone to be able to thrive and to be living comfortably and have all their needs met and to get all the help they need i love everyone a lot i want everyone to be okay and yeah

have also been majorly overthinking about if i want to do something that im being vague about as i ramble about it which i know is silly and its not even like something bad or negative but i just keep overthinking about the possible what if scenarios of oh what if i do this and they react really badly and cut me off and never want to talk to me again and due to this im also unfortunately like overthinking most things recently and being even MORE scared than usual of coming off as weird or being weird and making people uncomfortable but aint that just the way yknow. ill either do it or ill be a coward

anyway besides that my days been pretty decent its a lovely early autumn day. after typing this all i realized im probably feeling super emotional and weird because i just started my period lmao but thanks if you read this i love u mwah

[sojutrait]

warning this is a long one lmao

i tried once and failed spectacularly and never tried again 😭😭😭

ive just been letting the toddlers run wild bc i imagine two werewolves wouldnt be helicopter parents and its honestly sm less stressful 😭😭 like yeah go splash in the toilet and have fun

hmm like sims aesthetic? idk really its kinda all over the place djfkf id just say nondescript cartoon-yness lmao. and most of my inspo is from real life!

ty! like i dont want it to seem like im a saint and totally exempt from fucking up but i would hope it would be clear that id never intentionally whitewash a sim, thats quite counterintuitive of literally everything i preach

thats what its giving atp 😭😭

PREMONITIONS youre right, i shouldve forced my mom to birth me early so i could properly do my research for ts2 😩😩

honestly!! ive tried to play both ts2 and ts3 since joining simblr but i literally Can Not, plus the millions of fixes that go in to ensuring they both work properly, it shouldnt come as a surprise to people that the majority of current simmers are only familiar with ts4

dkjfkfd thats the consensus everyone is coming to but i dont remember last summer being this bad 😭😭 it fully couldve been tho that was before i ever left my simblr bubble lmao

thank you sm!! ily2 🥺🥺💖💖

thank you!! like i am not an ea employee plz cut me some slack 😭😭 and im glad u like my dina🥺🥺 just gonna tweak her a bit to make her more like her previous iterations !

thank you!! and omg that is so exciting, good luck on ur legacy challenge! 💖💖

i am autistic so i rlly dont know wtf theyre talking about in regards to my tone, i just think im speaking normally lmao. and i wholeheartedly agree with what u said about black simmers, ive def seen other black simmers get the same hate and vitriol over their tone and its sick, and then everyone wonders why ppl leave and simblr “dies”, like its bc yall make it inhospitable

i love both of those things so ty sm! 🥺💖💖

thank you!! i’m doing okay, ty for checking in 🥺💖💖

DJKDFK ty! i honestly didnt think id get so attached to the dog people either 😭😭

NO SAME i forget im not like 16 anymore 😭😭 i recently came to the realization that its techinally legal for weird older men to hit on me and i havent known peace since ✋

i actually considered that! or adding that werewolf girl i made in cas a couple days ago bc im so attached to all of them sjddk the thing is id have to human-ify them bc the halabis are set in the boring real world 

TYY shes my fave townie of all time so ofc i had to do my girl justice 😌😌

thank u 🤧🤧❤❤❤

ACTUALLY when i was playing in that save i literally thought damn now i wanna play with ulrike and dina 😭😭 so maybe so 👁

this is so sweet omfg thank you sm 😭😭❤❤ im so glad ollie brings you comfort, shes one of my fave sims of all time for that same reason so its good to hear other ppl connect with her the same 🥺🥺 and omg sometimes i forget she has the klepto trait until she tries to steal shit 😭😭

[thatone-highlighter]

What’s ur favorite and least favorite bugsnax characters,,, I know you’ve said ur favorites but I’m curious to know more why those r ur favorites (and ofc what ur least faves r)

I think my favs are Filbo and Chandlo but i really like most of the characters, my least fav is Beffica easy. I Do Not Like Her At All.

I am not surprised i like Chandlo so much he is literally the Epitome of the characters im usually drawn to. Hes the stereotypical jock guy, hes nice to ppl and just wants to make friends, hes autistic, hes a himbo, he wants to help whenever he can, hes chill. And then his dynamic with Snorpy, the gay ppl, the codependency, the care you can Feel for each-other, the way they dance around eachother so much. Its The Most Ever, a good part of why i enjoyed BrokenTooth so much.

Filbo is, hes just fun. I couldnt specifically cite a reason why i like him so much hes just, comforting. Hes just this guy he tries so hard all the time over and over again. Hes so nice and wants whats best for everyone and will do whatever he can to make sure people are happy, he doesnt know why Elizabert left him in charge and neither he nor anyone else things he should have been, but he still works so so hard to try and fill her shoes and to be the leader they need him to be. Oh and ofc the frogs hes got his own little froggies and mayo,,,,,,,

Im sorry i know you said Beffica was your favourite but i Hate Her. From the moment i met her i didnt like her and it did not get better. I get the little thing they tried to do with her about her just spreading the truth and getting the blame for things other people did but st the same time like, shes just a shit and i Do Not vibe with her. I dealt with her up until her last sidequest when she had the Nerve to go after my boys Chandlo and Snorpy. Like come on she finds out Chandlo is 100% genuine and immidiately instead tricks Snorpy into confessing about how he feels about Chandlo to her. He still thinks that was Chandlo hes gonna think that Chandlo’s reaction to him confessing was to run away and never address it ever again. Like come on the Least she could was not try to cover her ass and be upfront about it, what reputation is she protecting everyone already doesnt like her. Wished there was a dialogue option where the player Doesnt say theyre her friend i do Not want to be her friend

The rest of the characters i generally like, im kinda indifferent to Wiggle and Cramdo tho. Cramdo i think makes sense he kinda reminds me of spamton but less endearing, dont not like him but dont like him either. For Wiggle i just dont vibe with her much, nothing against her either just dont vibe.

I like Floofty and their whole vibe, particularly the autism and their lack of a moral compass and how it has them interacting with everyone else. I like Triffany and her archeological stuff, and her tendency to distance herself from people when she gets stressed, iits nice to see her contrast everyone else who either desperately wants everyone to stay together or to have absolutely nothing to do with anyone and instead she likes being in the town, but shes conflict avoidant so when one breaks out she’ll just leave, its reasonable. I love Gramble hes such a funky little guy and he loves his bugsnax, plus he just Radiates autism just by looking at him. I love Snorpy, talked about him a bit too when i was talking about Chandlo, hes a fun character on his own with his little conspiracy theories and stuff but to me where he really shines is when he interacts with other people, im sure theres other examples but i Really Really like watching him interact with Chandlo and Floofty, i want to study it under a microscope. I like Wambus his thing with like the gardening and just his overall vibes, not someone i would interact with regularly but i did get a bit excited whenever i had a quest, plus his relationship with Triffany is so wholesome and the cactriffany he made is rlly funny, and ofc Whatever The Fuck is going on with him and Gramble. Shelda had to grow on me a bit, i started off very indifferent she seemed kinda pretentious but she grew on me over her side quests and i did really like her in BrokenTooth, her whole religious experience plotline thing is very interesting to me and has me surprisingly invested for someone whos not and never been religious. Eggabell i… i dont have too much of an opinion on Eggabell, but her motives and the way she treats other people is very interesting, she kinda reminds of Luz in a lot of ways

I havent finished the game yet so i havent met Elizabert but she kinda makes me think of Rose Quartz, makes me think they’re gonna pull something with her at the end. The way everyone hyped her up so much at the start of the game saying all this incredible stuff and they all think shes so great snd then you get further in and some people start talking shit and pointing out her flaws and stuff. Very inch resting

[firemama]

Things that make me fucking mad but probably shouldnt anymore:

elementary school, at *least* before 3rd grade but not kindergarten, i was doin kick ass in class despite having been shuffled into three different teacher classrooms. I would later by moved to a 4th, whom was evil and mean for no got damn reason and i have a very specific memory of her yelling at me for the "quiet hands are happy hands" bullshit and various ither autistic hate and was furious that i could already write just fine and therefore made my life hell because i wrote "upside down" i.e. staryed my Ts from the top or started my o in the wrong spot, etctetc.

This is important because this was probably one of my last years liking school and trying very, very hard to get good grades. The teacher i would get would exhaust and infuriate me into hating school, and id basically give up; a sentiment that would be strengthened by future grade teachers being pissed that i already knew cursive or other shit, and then would be shunted into gif5ed programs which was, actually, not any better than the stupid upset teachers that didnt like that i was ahead in some areas.

But anyway- 3rd grade, before i would start to hate school. We have a thing here in florida, not sure how big itbis everywhere else. But they pick kids to be "terrific kid" every so often, and my extent of knowledge as to qhat happened at the time was that you would get a certificate (boring) and a car magnet. I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANTED that car magnet. And i have no idea why.

And i asked several cafetiria workers, janitors, school nurses, etc, how to get Terrific Kid before finally asking my teacher. My teacher, whom knew i was the best grade in her class and an excitable participant in all her lil activity things and did extra effort in cleaning time and such and so forth, actually agreed. She gave me a big fucking smile and said, yeah actually, im going to submit you for that. You should get it. You will, probably.

Cue joy.

Except 3 days later some girl in my class at the tine, Amber? Crystal? Got caught with scissors at my group table. She had cut *her* hair, some of my hair, and two ither girls hair.

She told the teacher it was MY idea when i hadnt kniwn this kid had even cut my hair. And me, small and selectively mute and awful at communucating, was just getting shoutted at for this and couldnt say i didnt know.

Then they gave Amanda- who was also in my fuckin class and had pnly a *little* of her hair cut off comoared to me- the Terrific Kid Award. Like a month later my teacher, who didnt even remember the hair incident, said "well we gave it to her because she's never had it before."

anyway to this day im still furious about it. Like unhealthily mad. Like, i should be less mad about this.

[obscenitymoving]

szpd question anon again (i should really start signing off... it's way more convenient than always saying 'THIS PARTICULAR ANON' or 'it's me'. hmm... i'll add it to the end of this ask when i think of one)

the first paragraph within your answer is very relatable, thank you for informing me!

would you say your orientation is influenced by being schizoid? because, as an example, i would say it does for me. i consider myself aroace (although i've seen being on the aspec is very common for schizoids), and i thought i was cupio towards a specific gender, but then i realized it makes way more sense to explain it through means of a lack of intimacy initiation that is compensated with imagination related to any desired relationships instead. like i wouldn't act on my desires but i can still tell what i want because of that.

additionally, what are your thoughts on responsibilities, standards or obligations that people set on you? i find that it is a LOT easier for me to define and identify myself when i make up the standards on my own. when other people do it, however..... no <3 Do Not. if you get what i mean, pffff ☆

i also feel pressured when they do it, because that implies i have to abide by their standards, and if anything is wrong i wouldn't know what to do. that makes it very confusing for me. i think it has also played a part in figuring out szpd in relation to me, because in order to be a schizoid you have to figure out whether you relate to specific descriptions and experiences that you don't make up yourself, and if you don't understand anything, you may be unsure, or it can be unclear (though then again i am also autistic so unclear info is #**##*@((@??!??? for me. put the vagueness away, please /not at you)

i figure that is all (my ask is also getting long again), signoff here ; ⛧ i will probably add it at the beginning of my ask if i send another one, for the ease.

hiiii again. for my sexual orientation, nope! im bisexual through and through and feel preeeeetty confident in that. im of course not going to go into specifics regarding my sex or dating life but what i will say is that no, im not very interested in it. it always sounds soo good in my head and then i pursue someone and its like "Wait hold on this fucking sucks". sometimes i go on tinder and lead men on and then ghost them when they start asking for more from me. which is so funny to me its such a schizoid thing to do. i enjoy the funny conversations i have from people who know nothing about me and get to start something with someone who has zero preconceptions towards me but as soon as people want to get intimate with me or know more im gone.

your next question is a biiit difficult for me. mostly because my parents, mainly, never really put too much pressure on me. or at the very least they gave up years ago. so now the only real standards im fighting against are my own. (i have 4 virgo in my chart but thats a tangent for another day. also made me realize i rely a lot on astrology/personality tests to tell me who i am) which yeah thats basically what youre saying. id much rather abide by my own incredibly high standards instead of someone else's regular standards. but even in a less serious sense yeah i do viciously fight back when people try to tell me im something im not. or when people try to place feelings on me that i dont want. i hate when i tell anyone something mildly disappointing or annoying to me or even something i consider neutral and they start with the "oh no, im so sorry :(" like i know its just common courtesy but Huh. i didnt say i was sad about it? why are you sorry? and yeah, for your last paragraph i get it. i dont like being told what i am or what im not, so trying to fit yourself into categories of "symptoms" can be very annoying. i just had to try very very hard to look at it from an objective point of view instead of thinking it as something that was trying to box me in. also i totally get the thing about being unsure about rules and whatnot. i have adhd and i allllways feel so much better when guidelines/etc are laid out orderly and clearly.

[calpalsworld]

Not "autistic anon," but also autistic, (being called maybe ableist made me want to put this out there before go to bed) i thought Zane was depicted that way purposefully by the writers. He has stereotypical traits like taking things literally, and has an actual humor switch. The writers have done things with Zane before like have him lose bodily autonomy (during that one Wu's teas short) and did something with his voice be it making him unable to be understood or talking too loud and the forced pirate voice by Jay. (what you're doing isn't too different from that, right?) I thought it was just a little iffy to distort his body and memory bc that could be interpreted as something not that I'm sure what exactly, it's some kind of disability. I dunno. I'm not good with putting this to words. I hope this makes sense.

Sorry I went to bed but now I’m awake 😭

Also I ended up totally spilling all my thoughts here rather than only specifically replying to you please forgive me context: my scary zane concept design, & my ninjago rewrite i refer to a lot 

Im a little confused but I think I get what you're saying? You're saying the Ninjago writers absolutely DON'T write Zane well (you listed examples of this) and you don't want me to fall into the same trap?

I had the opposite logic earlier. I thought: If Ninjago writers made Zane have stereotypical autisitic traits while also being a dehumanized robot, I may as well embrace it, say he is autistic blatantly, while also making him do funny/cool non-human robot things, so its clear as possible the two aspects of his character are literal and separate and not a metaphor for each other. But you're right! I do have a choice and I dont have to embrace things! :)

Like there were a couple ways I was gonna reject the original, for example, I never wanted Zane to have a funny switch, and I hated how other characters could fuck with Zane and he didn't even care 😬. I want to change that stuff. So youre right, if I am changing shit like that, it would be counterproductive for ME to GIVE him MORE traits along that theme. 😬😬😬 I should try to feel less obligated to portray Zane like he originally is. I still like the concept of "scary zane" (for reasons i explain below the cut) but I might tone it down a bit like with the claws and weird proportions and shit. I’d def make him look more skeletal and undead. That was my original intention, but i didnt execute it as good as I could have.... idk if anyone could tell thats what he was supposed to be like...my bad! But rn I dont wanna redesign him I wanna draw other stuff like normal alive Zane. Sorry LMAO 😳. Like I said in some earlier asks I think, I think Im gonna focus rn on how I should portray season 1 normal not dead Zane so thank you and feel free to share any other Zane thoughts ^_^ SOME OTHER THOUGHTS:

Also I Wanna Argue Some Stuff But I Understand its a Weak Argument Since All of This Context was Just In My Brain (so don't take this as an argument, just as me rambling): I don't want messed up things to happen to Zane and for it to just be ignored. I think if Zane is going to have fucked up things happen to him, as all characters must, its best for it to happen during a season where he actually addresses his feelings about being a robot (learning to accept that he will always be himself, regardless if hes "human" or the "original" or whatever. (thats how I always interpreted his emotions)). But I wouldn't have the other Ninja be very phased by Zane's looks because the whole point is they already love who he is (seasons 1-3 were about getting to know Zane) and now Zane himself just has to learn the physical, robot part of him is okay. Its about person-hood rather than humanity. Because the season focuses around Zane's soul, and because he lost his original body, I feel like I could mess around with his current, temporary body and have fun and make it scary. Because that body should be irrelevant. I understand it possibly being upsetting for an autistic character to be designed like this, but other people I talked to see it the opposite way. They find it comforting for him to look so different but still be himself and be so loved. SO IM ABSOLUTELY NOT saying its wrong to be bothered or to hate it or to feel any way. Just that I personally think it would be cool for Zane to be portrayed with a little spice lol, so thats why I like scary Zane for season 4.

Another Thing I Wannna Say But Is REALLY Hypocritical: (this isnt directed at anyone I just REALLY want to say this) I know I say "this is Zane but scary, he looks like fnaf" so he's obviously dehumanized, but I always felt like "scary" is more of an objective fact. Its an instinct. But what's "not human" is subjective. I think there is a problem with saying anything different from "average" human is dehumanized because that could extend to real people. Lol I know its bad for me to compare FNAF-ass Zane to real people, but I mean he could be real. People can have exposed teeth, and people can be shaped weird. And when someone first sees a person who looks like that they'll probably think "woah those features are scary" by instinct. And that surprise doesn't make someone ableist obviously. But bring that person’s humanity into question is NOT an instinct, and is fucked to shit. This is kinda a bad point for me to make since its about the fictional FNAF Zane I drew, and I am NOT implying ANYONE was thinking like this. [especially not the original asker anon who I am totally forgetting about at this point OOPS]. But I just thought it was an opinion of mine I couldn't go without mentioning when talking about dehumanization and disabilities.

^^^ I think you (anon) understand what I mean and might’ve said the exact same thing as me if you were writing a long ass response? I think this because you started to bring physical disabilities up and you said it was "a little iffy." ^_^ So we agree, but I don't see Zane's relation to real life disabilities as "a little iffy" I see it more like "complicated"? IF THAT DIFFERENCE EVEN MAKES ANY SENSE?????? I feel like a lot of things about Zane are really just complicated and need the right context, rather than the concepts necessarily being wrong -- NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT! THATS THE WHOLE REASON I DO THIS STUPID REWRITE! XD thats why a lot of my rewrite SO FAR has been the same concepts and plot beats, but different dialogue n specifics and such. I like a lot of concepts in Ninjago but I dont think they were presented correctly.....! :( So I guess all we can do is wait and see if I make Zane offensive or not....???

Also something about the memory part - yeah i agree i was surprised no one thought that was weird to make jokes out of his memory issues..... BUT I am like 100% firm on making his memory take longer to come back because I think its stupid how quick Zane was able to recover from literally dying. Like its just dumb to me. Hate it. (also bc memory & soul mechanics is ummm kinda important in my rewrite.... for reasons). Another memory thing btw, I was going to make his original amnesia come from hitting his head in an attack against the Skulkin when they stole his dads corpse, rather than his dad fucking choosing to make him forget. (its a sweet & iconic scene, but Um, WHY?!!!?!?!?!?) He has to follow data recovery instructions he finds in his dads diary. I think in that context it makes moments of memory loss somewhat different for Zane's character? Instead of loss of autonomy associated with disability, its a literal violent loss of autonomy associated with being traumatized by physical force. Idk how to phrase it exactly but I think that makes some vibes different?

Sorry, I think I got really distracted, and I don't know if I responded well to your points. Because uhhhh I think I agree with your stance actually? If I understand correctly? Fuck Ninjago writers for making the robot lose autonomy (a stereotypical robot theme) while also making him seem clearly autistic (NOT A HAPPY THEME FOR AUTISTIC PEOPLE) and not addressing it. And also auuugh Zane with a weird body is a difficult topic - kinda sussy pretty iffy.

Lol anyway idk if this made any sense and I REALLY rambled on you. but this was nice 👉👈 more Zane criticism pls love you and i love zane. i hope u dont feel mad at me because then it would be weird that im saying that lol. if you do feel mad at me tho you can send another ask (ILL TRY TO JUST LISTEN NOT RAMBLE NEXT TIME) but assuming ur chill rn, love you thnx

Take this page, don’t mind cole’s ass.

[marcsalmonds]

Taking a break from historic costuming atm because just thinking about it is making me depressed. I feel so shitty because I invested a load of money into my supplies and patterns and now I'm just like. I cannot do that rn. I think its because I finished my stays mockup and its not right and there's several things I need to fit and I HATE fitting... and I have almost finished breeches but I did some stuff wrong because the pattern (from reconstructing history, do Not buy from them) was so useless and vague so I made it up from many videos and books I had to piece together. I have the laughing moon pattern now but I dunno starting new projects is annoying because I get to finished mockup and then I'm sick of it because I've done it all and it doesn't fit and I have to do a load of stuff and then do it again. And then I got into lolita fashion again and it's like. peak special interest time and I want to spend all my spare money on it immediately but I'm trying to fight it because I'm scared I'm gonna suddenly not like it anymore like with this. obviously I still love all costuming and history its not gone away but it is not making me happy rn. Idk its something that is not really talked about with autism.. I mean the way I experience special interests does seem quite like the people who have adhd have described theirs. whatever it is it happens and it sucks because you're like ok i better not enjoy this thing that I must devote my entire life to rn TOO MUCH because if I'm not careful I will not care about it at all in half a year or less. My special interests come back at the most random times as well I know I shouldn't be concerned with not wanting to do historic costuming again because I've been consistently into it in the background over like. a decade probably more because I always liked looking at clothing in museums since I can remember. But its really hard to envisage that it the future when your brain makes you feel like how you feel now is PERMANENT.

Also lolita isn't a passing fad really I got so into it when I was 12-13 but I just didnt have any community or money to facilitate it, and thr rejection sensitive dysphoria I got from the disapproval from my family (which probably wasn't as bad as it felt, like I said rsd, as they let me buy dresses online and even ordered some on my behalf for my birthday. But they were always like PLEASE be less weird no wonder you are bullied sort of subtext to how they interacted with it. as an undiagnosed autistic person I had a bad time socially and many other ways as a kid). I think that's why it's taken so long for this one to come back. It's not like its out of the realm of what I was already doing because there's a lot of historically inspired elements I can bring my skills too and the corset I made already would work so well in a coord. Now I'm a man, and a fat hairy one at that, it feels like its even more difficult to wear that fashion and I'm like realistically what rare times would I even get to wear it, so it makes the expense of it seem even more extravagant. I've been struggling with gender expression for a while because I want to be an ethereal androgynous twink but I look like matt berry (hot) but not how I feel matched my actual gender. idk when I was a teen I wanted so badly to be an emo twink and be able to "cross dress" at will and still look sexy. I have internalised things with feeling like a fat bearded man in a dress is cringe and gross and predatory...thank you society.

This is a ramble fuck can you tell I had to reduce my antidepressants dosage because of an inexplicably cancelled prescription renewal or what. Hope I feel better soon jesus ..

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.

To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.

Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.

And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.

I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.

I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.

As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.

And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.

My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.

And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.

I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.

Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.

Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.

Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.

Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.

[stimmypaw]

Stimmypaw reads Darkest Night! The fourth text post!

Back with these uh live reading comments! Remember those? yeah! I'm on the fourth book of Warrior Cats: A Vision of Shadows :D I read The Apprentice's Quest and Thunder and Shadow and Shattered Sky and now!! I'm here :D and boy did I have a time. Click read more to see it!

NEEDLETAIL?????????

Needletail???????????

What?????

OH???????

Wh THIS GUY IS TALKIN 2 DEAD PEOPLE????

HOW WHO IS THAT

OH MY GOD

These guys are weak and dumb skyclan is epic and sharing the territory with them is good, but of course sparkpelt isn't dealing well with change wink wink nudge wink nudge nudge huh???? (this is a nod to how I project into her and say shes autistic)

I am getting anxious for tinycloud SERIOUSLY how much longer until those kits??? Everyday you show up and its WOW my tummy ssure is HUGE AND BULGING I just Wonder Oh When They'll Be Born, probably pretty soon!!! :) and then they arent!!!! Birth dammit!!!

Cherryfall cut the sick and hurt cats some slack jeez youre Fine, youre not feeding half the forest and you have THREE medicine cats ready to help you if youre not feeling well

Bastard Cherryfall I hate you /lh

Dovewing and Tigerheart have relationship drama again. What is UP with those two I simply do not understand them

Watching Bramblestar trying to control this bizarre situation is actually funny he is so close to screaming "PLEASE dont be mad :c"

SOON WHEN???? JUST KIT THOSE KITTENS DAMMIT

Get her, Alderheart

They LITERALLY said something about sharing the territory, they were like "Stars have five points baby and we need those 5 clans togetherrrr" what else do these cats want??? I know its a big change but its necessary

Wait everyone shut up that cat is named Podlight this is so important to me

Dang these cats are really still struggling :c I wish they didnt blame each other

Harestar is so cool

What the FUCK mistystar????

God what a disaster of a gathering Starclan is gonna be so pissed everyone is doing the opposite of what they should

I was holding my breath oof

I hope thunderclan gives some territory too thats too small a space for Skyclan

Oh boy oh boy oh boy i am Anxious for these Kitties

Violetpaw is me having nightmares every night

Macgyver is a heavily gringue name and I have No Clue how to say it how the hell do you say it

Update its either Mick Guyver or Mac Guyver apparently

Its fun to see how different the sisters are from one another, I love them both

I also love their mom with the name identical to puddleshine wish I got to meet her

IM CRYING BRO........M...MDB.....NFBANN.....VIOLETPAW BELONGS MY DARLING MY DAUGHTER

Sadly Twigpaw is for gender binarism 😔 /j

Twigpaw is often in her thoughts and doesn't pay attention to anything around her and I love her for that

Bad news Finpaw is gonna lose his tail, good news I can draw his tail fin-shaped

Puddleshine surgeon moment!!!

I love Graystripe and Millie

And I love that being flirty is a part of Sparkpelt's personality, I don't know what Alderheart is talking about she's always been dandelion-headed

Ok this is epic, I’m glad we’re breaking gender roles in Warrior Cats my heart dropped when the books called Briarlight cr*ppled, that’s the thing they promised not to do anymore recently right? I’m not sure but, I could use some uh less ableism on my Warrior Cats, the series is old but the newer books should be better, so yeah, good modernize these cats babyyy

OH COOL Skyclan journey!!! Fun I hope they find someone :] also fuck Molewhisker and Cherryfall bastards.

Jayfeather is gonna miss Alderheart too much for him to leave hehehe

ALL of Starclan showed up just to call out Riverclan pahahah

oooo is shadowclan haunted?????

FINALLY TINYCLOUD IS KITTING YES GOD YES GO QUEEN GOOOO!!!!

I wonder why Twigpaw wants to stay behind, there has to be more than just the camp stuff

"I wish I were more positive like Twigpaw, but at least I'm just as scarred by the death of my loved ones as my dad :] I like being like him"

Violetpaw witnesses a car crash 😔 that was a bit messy what happened to those cars also why the hell was one of them smaller was it a bike??? Or ???? Idk what's up with it!!!

Needletail just happens to have slow-down turned on for her on the discord chat so she can only say like a few words each hour :/ why the hell is she here tho Violetpaw needs to get OVER your death!!!!

This short exchange has made me love Dewpaw

Also, I love Twigpaw, I still wonder why she stayed behind tho

Ahh, is it cus she feels too estranged from her family :c ? I wish her mom was around maybe that would help

Jee Twigpaw be a tad more empathic, I can see Twigpaw struggles with that sometimes

You can't cheer him up right now he's grieving, just find him on common ground, talk to him, don't try to make him happy just try to keep him company

Oh wow finpaw that's a dangerous thing to say I hope Twigpaw doesn't crumble under the pressure to never be sad because people like her because she's happy and her being sad would be bad

ALSO I JUST REMMEMBRERD UH TWIGPAW MENTIONED BRIARLIGHT BUT BERRYNOSE IS RIGHT THERE???? HE IS RIGHT HE DIDNT DIE OFF SCREEN IM SURE OF IT WAIY

BERRYNOSS IS RIGHT THERE I CHDCKED!!!! HE LOST HIS TAIL TOO AND HES A GREAT WARRIOR, TWIGPAW!!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED IT ITS MORE RELATABLE

Okay I'm glad they're getting along this is nice

Oh look twigpaw you Are like your father :] this is cute

Skyclan begins to fish competitively I'm glad

I like it when medicine cats bicker about their leader's behaviors ehheheh, Jayfeather talking about how weak Shadowclan is, Alderheart being annoyed at his father for wanting to stay silent, the others worried about the tensions this is all cheff the kisser

Jayfeather spitting the truths about how Starclan doesn't know shit, and he is very much one to speak

Puddleshine: Rowanstar stepped up the patrols :c

Leadstar: He has warriors enough for that?? Damn good for him

Dang poor Skyclan I hope they manage stuff better soon

Oooo the girls are fighting!!!

Alderheart starclan anxiety time dang

Sheep :]

Needletail :[

I'm sad Ravenpaw isn't here, this is a lovely reunion scene but knowing Barley will be alone when they all leave breaks my heart

Oh, maybe not, but if they stay I'll be sad also cus Skyclan needs its warriors

Aw man, Twigpaw is struggling :c

OUCH

I WANT SKYCLAN 2 SWIM THO......

Omg crimes

That sounds kinda possessive twigpaw!

DOVEWING?????

T

WhHAHAGAHAHA WHERE DID THAT COME FROM

omg tigerstar 2 real

Whats he gonna do to rowanstar???

ALRIGHT THATA OVER THEN PAHAHA

Aw, I'm glad they're having fun tho, and that twigpaw sees herself as skyclan

Alderheart, as he meets someone for the first time in a while: ARE YOU OKAY???

Blackstar protagonist moment

The medicine cats: our gods are toying with us again and destiny is uncertain

Leaders: I cannot DO this right now PLEASE leave and let me care for The Real Issues

Alderheart: YOU WILL hang out at my house Willowshine this isn't up for debate

Riverclan suffered enough and it's their turn to throw a tantrum about it, honestly good for them hsghahah

Alderheart asks his father to go on a quest to check people's feet

WHAT THR HELL IS A CANTANKEROUS

Alderheart and Willowpelt sitting there watching Shadowclan fight

This is really funny

HEWWO????

Puddleshine, in his eyes: help help

I love Skyclan

Ok this sounds like it's gonna be very very fun

Mission impossible: Escape From São Paulo

Oh, is Fallowfern deaf? That's so poggers omg I wanna see more of her

Edit: fallowfern is an elder that lost her hearing with age and retired after that happened :/ boring

I love leafstar so much

Juniperclaw: aren't you gonna punish her????

Leafstar: why

Juniperclaw: when I tell rowanstar he's gonna be pissed

Leafstar: don't tell him

Juniperclaw: the fuck is wrong with you and your clan??? Where is everyone???????

Leafstar: busy

Icon

I don't trust abled people specially able-bodied people telling disabled people they just have to train harder and feeling sorry for yourself won't help.

But this is the closest to a positive message to disabled people we have ever had in warriors so I guess I'll take it but I want better

IVYPOOL!!!💖💖💖💖💕

Dang ivypool what a way to show someone you miss them hahaha

Twigpaw: uhhhh how's dovewing?

Ivypool: what do you mean did she do something illegal I'm sure she did

Ivypool is a seriously funny character WHY are you yelling at the young adult about your sisters illegal activities she doesn't know anything about it!!!!

Alderheart goes on an adventure

Feet inspector on the road!!!!

Jasper is so funny I love him

Omg what's he got against clan cats??? What's his sad backstory????

YEESSSS SPARKPELT MY LOVE 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💕💕💕💕💕💕💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💕💕💕

Sparkpelt your opinion sucks but I love you

I'm really really glad they had this moment this is really sweet, they hadn't talked for a while but this is genuine like, we hadn't had this sort of relationship in so long in the books with just, dialogue yknow??? THEYRE TALKING ABOUT THINGS

And the pause Sparkpelt takes between her speaking to fix what she's saying "I'm sorry for saving you :c no wait uhh not exactly but like" this is so good so natural so fun I love you sparkpelt

I get why she has a diferent opinion on Skyclan it's good for someone close to Alderheart to have a different mindset from him and for him to have someone like uh be opposites from him a lil yknow contrats his characteristics makes both siblings fun round and full of kitty do you get what I'm saying???

I love this

I love Sparkpelt, love her lil anxious moments, love her, love that she just wants to fool around with toms and enjoys Larksong but doesn't want to get serious you go girl

They wanted to write smart-ass they wanted to write smart-ass so bad

They're doing this in the rain?????

I'm quite certain Violetpaw is a young adult by this point its valid for her to go

Wh why did you let your cat out in the rain dude!!! When it comes back it's gonna dirty up the whole place it's wet out there!!!! And the cold is gonna get in the house!!!!!!!

I WAS HOLDING MY BREATH OH LORD

That was SO INTENSE AND SO FUNNY AND SO MUCH, IM SO GLAD SHE MADE IT I GOT SCARED

Oh this is so epic

That moment when your cat nearly dies and then it runs off and you go after it and then a bunch of other cats show up and start running with it

I hope Twigpaw can see the others soon

Glad to see her keeping her medicine cat knowledge ehehehe

???????

Sandynose I hate you you are so abled

Sandynose: I don't want my son to feel distanced from his peers so I'm distancing him from his peers

DOVEWING???

SANDYNOSE SHUT UP IM GOING TO KILL YOU ANS MURDER YOU

I'm so upset with Sandynose WHY isn't leafstar seeing this WHY DOESNG ANYONE SEE THIS SOMSONE PLEASE CONFORT AND LOVE MY CHILD TWIGPAW DOESNT DESERVE THIS

Angry sad upset why

Piscina

Thanks graystripe

Ok who's dying this time

Ok no one just a background cat got hurt he will survive otherwise it would be relevant

This was intense though what will happen now???

YES FINALLY

Oh this is lovely so good they're here!!! The rest of skyclan has arrived and we are all happy together

That dream felt good

NEEDLETAIL??? AGAIN

Where were you at!!!!

What!!!

Check this man's feet how many toes are there this could be good

What

Hegshahwha what the fuck is up with this guy

Okay I like him

Ohhh THATS tree

Change your name if you don't like it you sound trans already

Yeah nothing makes one smarter like dying

This is very fun I'm excited for more of whatever happening

Twigpaw :c

HIS SNIFFLES

Oh no

Hhhhnn I want Twigpaw to be happy so bad, I hate seeing her struggles

Sandynose you are so evil and very detested by me

You can and you SHOULD feel angry at Sandynose he SUCKS and he is being needlessly mean at you!!!!! There are much better ways to bring up the possibility that maybe you'd be happier with thunderclan!!! Fuck off Sandynose

Oh so Snowbush hasn't improved, maybe he will die?

Poor Alderheart

Oh fuck there he goes

Yeah

Aw man, rip to the background cat

That was a heavy death too

Aw, I was hoping the rest of Skyclan would show up before the gathering, maybe just after it???

I wonder what's going on in Shadowclan

TIGERHEARTS MISSING HUH???

The couple was kidnapped

HUH????

Oh my lord oh fuck

Can't anyone step up to lead why do they depend on Tigerheart so much???

Jesus christ

Alderheart kills his gods

This is so chaotic and funny I'm worried as hell for shadowclan but excited a lot is happening

HI TREE AGSGAHAH

Tawnypelt >:(

Puddleshine: WAIT DONT KICK HIM OUT, CHECK OUT HIS FREAKY FEET INSTEAD

Oh dear

Twigpaw :c

TWIGPAW :CCCC Man rememebr when I said I hope Twigpaw doesn't crumble under the pressure of being happy for others? yeah

GET OUT SANDYNOSE I DONT CARE YOURE BEING REASOMABLE FOR ONCE YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN LATER

:C

I'm so heartbroken for them

Uh pdhsgahab okay then

Bye finpaw

Wow that was easy for him

This is fun

I'm still sad as hell

Okay there's a lot going on right now wow

The owl scene was funny as hell to picture, this dramatic prophetic moment and the cats just "uuggh is that a prophecy??? Nooo"

Okay so

There's some shadowclan cats missing, considering the many sleekwhisker maps I'm sure she's up to no good but I have no clue what happened to the others and I hope they're okay

Wow! That was really something

Fantastic ending to a very good book its, definitely a different energy from the third but I'm really enjoying this I'm still excited as hell!!! I got worried things would get kinda bad from here but nope!!!! Very fun stuff for now this is very very good and I am enjoying it

This is definitely one of the most fun arcs I've read so far!!! The drama the stakes the little moments everything is tying together really well into a very fun story I'm enjoying a lot!

I worry for Twigpaw and hope for her happiness, and Violetshine too, hope her and Hawkwing deal well with missing her. Tree is being interesting. Alderheart wasn't much of a focus here but always fun to see him trying to solve the damn prophecy no leaders seem to care about. Mousewhisker was okay??? Lots of very fantastic turns for all events and uh let's see where this all goes next!!!

[figuringouthowtobehere]

please dont reblog this

i dont have many ppl to talk to. so here i am, screaming into the void that is my tumblr again.

im mostly posting this because im alone. im really really fucking alone. and im hoping i might, idfk, make a solid, trustable connection from tumblr??? idfk. im alone in the world.

please dont reblog this

cw family issues, su*cidality, abandonment, abuse, childhood abuse, trauma, being alone in the world

i have no one to go to. my entire life since i was a baby all ive ever been able to do is survive at the skin of my teeth. and here i am, 20, breathing, trying so fucking hard to live and, idk if im succeeding. im doing my film shit which is cool but. im alone. im on my own. im alone in the world. i never had parents. like, obviously i had parents, but they were never parents, dyou know what i mean? like the people who genetically made me were around but they were abusing me or just being awful or refusing to listen to me about what i needed from them, from their parenthood. 

i had a conversation with my mom yesterday (after two days of not being able to get a hold of her and really really needing to) and i was basically just like ‘why cant you be my mom’ and she was like ‘i am your mom’ and i was like ‘well, yeah, but youre not--you cant--you dont mother me. and you dont mother me in the ways i need you to.’ and she was like ‘what does that look like to you?’ and i said ‘someone who i can turn to, always, someone who has my back no matter what, someone who respects me and what i need and who listens to me and trusts my experience and, yeah, someone who i can turn to always’ and she said ‘i mean i can talk with you on the phone, i can tell you what i think you should do, i can try to give you advice from my experience, but as far as someone having your back 24/7 always, i cant do that’ and we ended up talking about how im an adult now - and she was talking about it in the sense of ‘youre a grown man now, you dont need your mom like that anymore’ - and im like ‘ya, i am basically a grown man but i still need my mom. i still need parents.’ and i think im gonna end up cutting contact with her again because its too hard to simultaneously grieve her not being the mom i need and also talk to her. if im not talking to her then i can deal with the idea that i dont have a mother, that i dont have parents and i probably never will.

ive never really had people. i never really had friends when i was a child and i dont really have friends now. maybe its cause im trans, maybe its cause im autistic, maybe its cause im mixed, i dont know, but generally people in the world dont like me or it takes them a long time to not hate me. it doesnt matter why right now the point is i never had people (like, a support system) and i dont now. 

so yeah im pretty seriously thinking about killing myself (or, trying to anyway). i dont wanna die but ive spent my whole life trying to just. be a person. and find contentment. and everything in my life ends up going awful or causing me a lot of trouble at some point or another. ive come to expect it. whenever anything happens in my life im just like ‘when will this go wrong. how long will it take this time.’ and im alone. im just fucking on my own. and i know theres lots of people who are and have been more alone than i am/have been and i admire these people so fucking much like GO YOU!! YOUFUCKING DID IT!!! HELL YEAH! im so proud of u. for real, i have so much respect for all yall reading this who have made it through shit and made it through being alone in the world. you fucking got this. youre doing it. good fucking job!!!!! ✨ but then. idk ig it doesnt take away from this being incredibly fucking difficult for me. pretty much everything in my life was fucked from birth to age 18 and now over half of everything in my life is fucked. which is better, for sure, but its still. ive never had a chance. idk it just seems to me like it doesnt matter. i can try and try and do all the therapies and take all the psych meds a psychiatrist might give me and i can meditate all the time. it just seems like im Doomed. (WOW i sound dumb and childish) like ik logically this is probably incorrect, that im not actually just.. doomed but thats how it feels. whenever a good thing happens im just waiting for it to collapse on me. and usually it does in way or another. generally not because of anything ive done or havent done, it just ends up being shit.

and then. ive never had anyone. i dont have anyone. im alone in the world. like its not that im ignoring people i do have or choosing to omit them from my mind right now. i have a singular friend in the place where i live; my other two friends both live in the states. i live with someone who was a support for me until like last ... july or so, i think, who now makes me feel like shit (they arent being malicious its just a bunch of issues in our relationship. theres more on that in stuff ive posted before, if you feel like digging through my posts for a while go ahead and youll find more on that) and i have like 5% (out of 100%) trust for them. i have a therapist who i see once a week and ik shes invested in me, but thats her job. and i cant just call her whenever i want. i have several people for film stuff but theyre either just casual pals and then colleagues or just colleagues. i know a lot of people, who dont really show any investment in me as a person or their relationship with me and who i dont really click well with. and thats it. 

and im so. im so in love with Film. all of it. (not The Film Industry obviously.) im so fucking in love with it. the only real concrete reason that i wont end up killing myself in the next like month or two is because Film. and i just. need. people. i need parents. or something. fuck.

i think part of this is probably the long-term ramifications of ongoing childhood sexual, physical, and psychological abuse and never really having good, consistent support cause id be surprised if that didnt fuck with my brain (and, yk, untreated severe childhood brain damage from tbis beginning at less than a year old). but it doesnt really matter does it. ive been through the shit time and again and its not like anyone has appeared and been like ‘hello, i see you never had parents, this is who i am, would you like to get to know each other for a while and maybe i could be your mom?’ cause thats literally what i need. i need parents. like i know theres a thing of ‘if you didnt have parents then you cant undo that damage’ but like idk. if someone has a bunch of unhealed broken bones that got broken years ago that are now causing them a lot of pain you wouldnt just be like ‘sorry, i see youre in trouble from this shit, but because it happened years ago theres nothing we can do’ cause there is??? i forget how i was gonna say this before but like. i didnt have parents. with the ‘parents’ i had its a scientific anomaly i lived past age three. i refuse to believe that having Good Parents and a Good Support System now would do nothing for me. cause it would. 

im also facing impending homelessness due to a) welfare/disability programs not giving you enough to live off and b) not having a roommate/not having support systems/not having people. so that doesnt help.

i dont know how to do this. im on my own. im doing all i can. ive reached out to everyone i feel like i could reach out to and. im on my own.

help. i guess. idk what that means but im, once again, at an incredibly fucking AWFUL point in my life and i need help. i doubt anyone will be able to but. if youre able to then. idk. do something. ik that i sound desperate and pitiful and i literally dont care at all because i literally am desperate for support and i literally am at - ANOTHER - extremely low point in my life and its pitiful. im cringing at myself actually posting this because its like ‘you think youre actually find what you need via a tumblr post? where are you? cause thats not real life dude’ but i dont fucking have people to talk to (as you have already understood 🙃) and im tired and tired and tired and tired.

if you took the time to read this i thank you and i hope ur day is going vvv well

please dont reblog this!!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

here’s the matter of fact text post re: i guess i achieved the goal of an intermittent thing i’d do where i’d try to find anyone online talking about the ‘weird’ experience i have with masturbation which is, inherently, not exciting or anything but it’s like, even if i just Know of course it’s not just me, i want to like, hear someone else talk about anything similar ever, b/c so far it’s just a text post i saw once and can’t ever rediscover and someone talking about their experience that stems from an inapplicable physical trauma so....Yay, seeing as it’s been years i’ve been like “seriously though” lmao  

i was like Lol @ myself b/c i was like “man after i try for like 30 sec to crank it it a) doesn’t go anywhere hardly and b) i lose interest Way fast and it’s like mildly annoying” and so i thought about that post that’s like [me after sex: well that was a waste of my goddamn time. anyway back to speedrunning] but that’s me after a halfhearted attempt to masturbate and not really getting anything out of it anyways lmaoo like. it’s okay or i wouldn’t even bother fairly regularly but also it tends to end with like, me going off on a distracted tangent for even a moment and it can just hit an absolute brick wall like okay i don’t even have the Interest in continuing with this anymore like i might’ve had before starting like Well That Was A Waste Of My Goddamn Time Anyway Back To [whatever it is that i do]

and then like either that same night or the next my dreams had the audacity to get deeply uncomfortable for no reason like. all i do is have Anxiety Dream Themes thrown together where like. for example as i write this, two nights ago i had a dream segment about “i’m on vacation at the beach” but it was all Anxiety b/c it’ll all be about how i can hardly visit said beach coz i keep getting sidetracked at the hotel or w/e while i’m Trying to visit it while i still can, and last night i had the same Theme but trying and failing to ride roller coasters (which i Enjoy irl) and like, the beach one in particular recurs not Too infrequently lmao where i’m surprised by the rarity of something like “you’re at the beach and it’s fun” lol.......i don’t have anything i’d call a nightmare too often but Anxiety / a somewhat threatening/worrisome situation is like, fairly constant lol, with some occasionally more neutral stuff and a really rare Fun Dream but anyways it was still Bizarre that my dreams pitched me “you’re Someone who i guess is dating this abstract Partner and the scenario is you feel obligated to have sex with them” and it was weird like, woke up the next day like “why did my brain drag me through this deeply unpleasant dream situation” like. not totally unheard of for my dreams to touch on a Scene ft. sex and/or physical intimacy and even on occasion it’ll be an “i’m (or whoever i am as a maybe semi-abstract First Person camera character lol maybe ft. some particular concept attached to the ‘role’) having some sexual encounter and it’s Fine or enjoyable” but it’s generally fleeting As Per Usual Dream Structure and it’s like why was this one that sucked like, particularly dragged out by those usual dream standard’s, come on

anyways so going “haha i’m living the Waste Of My Goddamn Time thing” and “well thank you to my own brain for a bizarre and unpleasant experience while i’m just trying to be passed tf out” i was like “let’s look up again why not only can i not seem to orgasm but also like even expecting a way lower level of stimulation still Disappoints sometime like why do i bother” and yeah after first going the “does anyone Never manage to Not slam into a brick wall / basically completely lose interest all at once or practically all at once even and it all goes back to zero even if you started at like maybe a 1 or 1.5 and sometimes it happens with going down a random mental track” route i interestingly got some cis guys going “yeah hate when that happens on occasion” but yeah by now i had of course given up on “can i come at this from an [experiencing sensory input and processing from an autistic angle] angle” like. idk still interested in that of course lmao but god is searching for it a bit exhausting. but yeah after i threw in an [-erectile] search modifier i got was like oh a result on a site about asexuality re: masturbation, why didn’t i think of That angle. idk but here we are

informative stuff but the comments section where people who wanted to read an [about: masturbation] on a site About asexuality were talking about their experiences was like. i had mentioned how it was Enlightening that one person said I Do Not Enjoy Orgasms lol like i have not really heard that angle vs “you might not enjoy sexual stimulation” and/or “you might not be able to orgasm” but not you Can orgasm but you Might Not Even Like It Really like. the person said yes they got the Peak Of Intense Pleasure out of the orgasm but not so much any kind of afterglow and felt like they get dropped back to where they were before even trying to masturbate (aka. square zero again lol) and just yeah outright mentioned Not Enjoying it and another person replied like Yep it’s like that for me too.........already i’m like man i don’t even approach anywhere near an orgasm Ever but man would not be surprised if, even if i theoretically was capable of the physical experience, it would be the same as this way lower level Waste Of My Goddamn Time deal lol.......it’s Hilarious too that like. say “being at all in the mood to try to spank it” is a Square/Level 1, i feel like yeah most of the time i’m only getting this shit going to a 1.5, maybe a 2 or 2.5 if we’re on fire......very very very rarely have i been like “hey that was like, a 3 or some shit, damn” and honestly it’s not like oh so that ruled and is motivation to continue b/c like. the Surprise of it throws me off and it’s not necessarily that Great a surprise, more just like, jeez, idk, it feels like A Bit Much that basically registers as Tension where i’m hardly encouraged to keep it up like, makes me wonder if that’s a Sensory Processing Thing aka how sometimes i try to get any more in depth info on the logistics of Experiencing Sexual Stimulation re: also being autistic and the variety of ways that can unfold (i do know that like. the Sensory thing apparently can sure be a factor in either direction, i.e. might cause some ppl to really not enjoy sexual stimulation Or to like, super enjoy it. allistic ppl who might realize “thinking sex is awesome” is “”normal,”” brilliant.....like u didnt also “realize” that stims like fidget cubes and weighted blankets can be enjoyed “”normally”” like. still having a diff experience here and shut it) and i remember one time i was like “c’est la vie i will purchase a vibrator (and i got a second, external one as some deal going on)” and it was just a No Go b/c. it didn’t feel “bad” in that it was not necessarily like, yep here’s some sexual stimulation, but it was like, overwhelming in a Not Good way, yet also not physically painful, and i realize vibrators are made w/ different intensities and i definitely got Mildest ones so it wasn’t that

anyways like yeah #tbt to a time i really gave it a go (vibrator-less) for truly just short of two solid hours......plenty of that was me at Square Zero and getting back to level 1 alone (aka like. feeling Any positive response at all lmao) was kind of an achievement and maybe there was some 1.5 or 2 in there but it wasn’t like i felt that motivated and Just Keeping At It was not necessarily helping so. that was a waste of my goddamn time

can’t really remember what i was doing differently the last time i kicked things up to maybe a solid 2-3 Zone for truly like One Moment lol.....think i was just getting a little more hands on (since usually a spike in intensity makes me go “[?? / !!] whoa :/” and i lose Any momentum and/or “progress”) and that spike in intensity made me go [?? / !!] Whoa :/ and it didn’t matter, just got back to zero as always, and it’s not like these “Achievements” are “Enlightening” where i’m then like wow everyone’s right, really Trying with this shit pays off like lol. i still make a cursory effort but really just to burn off that Level 1-ness if anything like. kinda like “yeah neat here we go” but like. probably literally a minute or two later it’s like well Anyways.......another fun detail is that it’s not Always like “oh i got off on some mental sidetrack and losing focus = losing like All of even this low level of arousal and im back at zero” like, i might be in the middle of things and Lose Interest even while i’m currently experiencing a nonzero level of “yep this is some sexual stimulation” lol but it’s just like smh Whatever @ it......like, on the one hand the Tension of the stimulation gets in its own way, but if i entirely lose that then it’s like well okay this isn’t gonna go anywhere, may as well stop

so anyhow here’s the Particular Comment where i was like “wow this is so similar to #me that i guess i’ve finally found Someone Talking About It* (*however it goes for me)”

i can’t say i’ve done the Holding My Breath thing on Purpose but now sometimes i do notice i do it (and have probably Been doing it) lol like oh there i went and Exhaled in a [was holding my breath] way lol coz like they say there with the Loss Of Any Tension and the Square Zero (Not Even Square One) thing like yeah lmao. and very same with the Five Minutes Max thing b/c yeah it really can be even less than One Minute sometimes before it’s like yeah square zero or just i lose enough interest anyways, getting bored like they say, ugh like it’s a brief description obviously lmao but i’m like god well there it is i guess, the [i know it’s not Just Me experiencing this like this but i’d still fucking like to find anyone else actually talking about it] account For Once Finally, thanks for putting it out there, Disappointed and a lil bored

naturally there are also ppl in the comments talking about how masturbation is an enjoyable thing for them and particular tips there but like it is Hilarious to me how a) some people orgasm easily or like. orgasm if they put effort into masturbation lmaooo like fucking imagine. and b) idk it’s like well i’m sure i’ve made hundreds of attempts and not even any Near Misses, it is simply like, not happening and c) yet at the same time Like This Commenter it’s like “well is there just another way of doing it i somehow haven’t hit on” like naturally i have to wonder like well idk maybe it’d be diff with a sexual partner b/c yknow, the same stimulation from Someone Else vs Yourself, and yet d) ha ha of course i haven’t had sex which people Don’t think of as Not A Joke lmao i referred to this fact abt myself with some casual humor to someone and my temper flared up when that was later taken as a Cue for someone who is not me to jokingly reference it (by Temper Flaring i mean i got annoyed enough to go Do Not Do That e.g. the post that’s like “[asserts one boundary] i’m not a people pleaser anymore i’m actually a huge cunt now”) and i probably shouldn’t feel like i have to “justify” this as well somehow other people have probably tried to Make A Move re: me but i have not been into it like well, what if nobody had ever been Interested that i knew of, that would be fine too, but. i am aware that ppl think of this as a joke still lmao, and i have to say that. im already doing letters like a) b) c) aren’t i but whatever, starting over a) well i haven’t had All the opportunity in the world as i have at various points (but basically continuously) for various reasons been pretty isolated and b) idk i have not had all these signs that point to me wanting to have sex with people exactly lmao but it’s like, c) even if i go “well maybe there’s Exceptions out there or Situations That Will Be Conducively Different Than The Limited Range Of Ones I’ve Had So Far” it’s like, okay, i could still just continue to feel “nah :/” re: any “opportunity” that ever presents itself or whatever. it is all very abstract for me anyways, so it’s like, whatever. but i’m also not the most Glad to discuss it b/c idk a lot of this stuff i know is like A Joke including how i’m still simmering with resentment from a year ago or more over some Tweet i saw trying to dunk a meme about how asexuals are Anti-Psychology like, that’s an entire Other Essay there but needless to say for one thing i just pre-resent people hearing “could being autistic factor into the particular experience i have losing interest / arousal so easily (and inevitably as it’s big time primary anorgasmia around here)” and going “aha that makes sense b/c being ace means there’s something Dysfunctional going on cuz Lbr and bieng autistic means being a Fucked Up version of an allistic person and your autistacity is going to fuck up things about you which ought to function properly” like well that feeds right into itself in a loop and i hate it. and i know the whole “hehe someone who hasn’t had sex is a loser” thing is way engrained in there lmao ppl throw that punchline out all the time and like, idk, see the (i’m autistic) thing like it’s not like this is an unprecedented concept or the only front on which im like “i Know this is a thing ppl negatively judge in general but i also Know i do not buy into that or feel bad about it” like i do not personally consider myself cringe and fail for not having had sex ever and do not consider that Premise that someone is a joke for it to be true re: anyone but at the same time i know that this whole Awareness that people are shitty about it is frustrating to me lol. plus i think it is getting into the Entire Thing where concepts as broad as Maturity and Humanity At Its Most Complex And Worthwhile are considered intrinsically linked to romance and sex, which is something that i am somewhat self-conscious of being aromantic and [having never had sex and it could well be that i will not ever have sex even if The Opportunity(tm) is there] and i know it is frustrating to me b/c sometimes when i start to even talk about “i have not had sex yes im aware this is like (spit take) what a nerd, Sure” b/c i will easily cry out of frustration like 5 seconds in lol. which i cry easily enough but Usually getting teared up b/c i feel Hyped Up / Enthusiasm for something lmfao.......anyways plenty of tangents to go down here but my point is shoutout to the other person for also never orgasming and just being bored with masturbation if anything

and also to the people who were like “i can have / have had orgasms but i don’t actually enjoy it” like considering the way that [not like i experience anything even close to an orgasm but there is sometimes An Increase in arousal achieved, either a tiny raise in the Level or on occasion a bit of a kick which is mostly like “whoa tf chill out”] is overall Underwhelming even if there is Any enjoyment in it and the whole Back To Square Zero (Not Even Square One) thing re: the entire lack of afterglow they mention and it’s like well that kinda feels like parallel experiences here lmao. which tbh is like. makes me care even less with like Humorous Annoyance at the fact that ppl are out here simply able to have orgasms and to have access to that just by like yep here i go masturbating lmaooo like okay

anyways idk how to Conclude this lmfao. Fun Fact i have hc’s about how winston billions who is autistic experiences sexual stimulation (he gets the Really Enjoys It kind of sensory processing time here lol) but i suppose the easiest simplest one to explain is the “remember the Tayston Crying Sex drawing, the idea is that things can be kinda overwhelming while still being Good if it’s handled right by his partner (or himself ig lol) and he can tear up as sort of an overflow thing” like well you probably already knew that was connected to the broader whole of Winston Billions Autistic Hc’s but in case you didn’t: it is

[significantfoliage]

911, S2 E7: Haunted!

- BUCK NARRATION????

- McFucking WHAT, IS THAT A FUCKING ZOMBIE????

- ah, the episode title is Haunted, understood

- I really don't think heavy machinery is the solution to Not crushing someone but okay lol

- for being in LA, I feel like other languages should be relevant more often

- okay it's a Closed trail, that's why they don't have any closer units

- I swear they've gotten a copter on less before, kinda surprised they didn't have one out there already

- thanks 911 for commiting to this ghosts bit. Doesn't really seem to fit the shows vibe?? But it's fun

- fucking obsessed with Athena just jumping on this. I've decided it's because Buck is secretly her favorite (besides her bestie and bf obvie)

- look at Ediie all spiffed up and checking out a school for Chris 😊

- OH SHIT WHAT???? EDDIE YOU GOTRA DIVORCE HER ASS OR SOMETHING AAAA

- the chick in this haunted maze couple is Adorable

- lol I don't think rabies kicks in that quickly

- OOF 2018 AND DO I HAVE TO NAME THE PRESIDENT JOKES, OUCH

- Athena adopting the siblings is my Fav Thing

- ARE YOU SHITTING ME THE CALL SEEMS ACTUALLY HAUNTED THIS IS SO FUNNY

- dang it Buck, Please Move In With Eddie

- dang now I want Chinese take out

- hahaha now the siblings are going to talk around how Eddie needs to move on

- really concerned about how this chat with Eddie's wife (still wild) is going to go

- also it's definitely bullshit that they need to do a family interview and assumed a wife situation

- like okay. She made some points but also?? Why wouldn't she divorce him or even NOT GET WITH HIM if the military service was a problem??

- EDDIE'S COSTUME HELP 😂😂😂🤣

- Christopher's costume 🥺😍💜

- that horse Clearly needs more training lol

- love that summary of how horses are super fucked up

- okay now I'm mad at this show cause I fucking hate horses and this horse boy is making me feel things I fucking hate this AAAAAAA

- why is no one stopping this kid from coming through a police/fire barrier surrounding a dead/dying animal???

- all love to Athena, ma'am why would you deliver this news Halloween night

- oh geez she just seems like. Kinda ablest? Well intended but shitty? Very like. Parent of an autistic child stereotype

- YALL WHY ARE YOU KISSING YOU HAVE YEARS OF BAGGAGE YOU NEED TO UNPACK

- Buck pacing with a tea bag brewing in his mug is Adorable

- please don't remind me about NHS

- okay I still hate narration summarizing episode lessons and themes as both opening and ending. It just gives like. He-Man and South Park vibes, idk. But having it be Buck and it be what he wrote in this letter? That's a lot better for me than usual

- Buck owns like. Nothing. He fully lives like a college student. Bro please get an apartment, Eddie makes enough to raise and shelter a whole child. You must make enough for a one bedroom apartment.

- EDIT CAUSE I FORGOT WE DIDNT GET ANY GOOD ANSWER TO THE GHOST CALL SO I GUESS GHOST CALL IS JUST CANON NOW

[wildgeese2017]

i feel so strange today i want to cut my hair or something. yesterday it was like my skin was electric now i feel like a piece of meat retreating back into it’s shell. i feel as though everyone understands something i dont .i think i might be autistic or something idk i just feel like whatevers wrong with me doesnt really mirror whats wrong with other autistic people i know like sure i share the same messed up coping mechanisms but what does that really say. i want to grow out my armpit hair i want to get a tattoo i want to get really fucking strong i want to look more people in the eye i want to be clean and interesting and reliable i want sharper whiter teeth and i want to be able to shut the fuck up around people i want to have less dirty secrets i want more cool secrets i want to be known without telling anyone anything i want to be more selfish and more selfless and wear suncream everyday and read books and solve equations again im so sick of the shitty life on my social battery i want to love better things and love those things better than i have before but mostly i want all of this because i want to be wanted.and right now im not and it genuinely makes me act crazy like i need to be hot im so fucking bored of being quirky im so frustrated all the time it makes me crazy i wish i was one of those people who others just want to look at like just sit and stare just because it feels good even to see them im sick of people liking me for my personality or actions im so fucking bored all the time im genuinely considering taking up smoking just to like have something to do the main thing thats stopping me aside from mouth cancer is that it makes you uglier in the long run i hate fucking even saying this bc it sounds fucking insane all the time i preach body neutrality but im literally obsessed with how i look i think just bc im shit at makeup i convinced myself im liberated but being trapped by mediocrity doesn’t somehow release me from the chokehold beauty standards has on every fucking person who wakes up in the morning and immediatly starts beaming a curated set of images into their vulnerable human brain. it just means im in a prison within a prison or like im in prison in the matrix or something bc its all orchestrated i dont think im making any sense i wish i had pills i didnt buy any alchohol bc im so afraid of becoming an alchoholic but i know why i drink this feeling its like this thing inside my neck and my skull coming up against gravity a tree made of slime pushing into my whole perception i dont know what to do.. theres nothing i really want to do. i want to be strong enough to skip dinner as if thats how weight loss even works as if losing weight would make me happy.

i hate this . i hate being this . i hate talking i hate obsessing about every aspect of myself and being completely unable to change it. i hate these fucking mind prisons. i hate my brain telling me to key every car i see and say awful things just to see the look on their face and swerve my bike into traffic and pull my body apart and never leave my room i love this all so much but its killing me.