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mysticstarlightduck · 10 months

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happy blorbo blursday! what are your OC's biggest fears and how do they (or dont') deal with them?

Happy Blorbo Blursday! Thanks for the Ask, @cabbojage! (Sorry for the late answer, yesterday was a bit of a crazy day and I was very tired lol. Plus I wanted to be thorough with this answer.)

What are your OC's biggest fears and how do they (or dont') deal with them?

Oh boy, this is such an interesting question - and such a dark one as well. Let's take a deep dive into my character's worst nightmares: (Since this is a very straightforward question, I will do this for the entire cast - of good characters - from TLW)

It is worth noting that most characters don't have very healthy coping mechanisms, as such is needed for any character development to occur (by the end of the story they grow and learn to handle emotions properly).

This is incredibly long, so the answers will be under the cut!

Raelen Ashiren -

Fear: Her worst fear is losing more of her family to the Secret Court (she also has a very viscerally terrified reaction to Secret Court assassins in general). She also fears that she isn't enough and that this will cause her to inevitably fail her family's legacy.

How She Copes: Well, she mostly copes with this fear by taking action to ensure that it doesn't happen. She prefers having to stand up and fight against her worst enemies than letting this reality come to pass (yet again because she already lost family to the Secret Court once in the past).

Azra Moorsworth -

Fear: His worst fear is that doesn't have an identity or significance. That he will forever be stuck as a "nobody" who was found abandoned in the woods with no parents and no name. That this is all he'll ever be if he doesn't prove himself as someone worthwhile.

How He Copes: Azra mostly tries to push down this fear, doing all that he can to prove himself and make a name, an identity that he can be proud of. Every time he fails, if only so slightly, the fear grows slightly stronger.

Julyan Ashiren -

Fear: His worst fear is that he isn't strong enough to protect his siblings and that he'll end up alone (as in, that they'll die) should he not be able to shield them from the world. He promised his parents before they died that he would keep their family safe, and desperately fears that he will let them down. Also, as the story progresses (after he is captured by the Secret Court), he develops a brutal fear of becoming a monster and losing control of his powers.

How He Copes: Julyan tries to handle everything by himself, so as not to burden others, and never allows himself to take a break or show weakness, even if it costs his well-being. He tries to do more than he needs to do, to ensure nothing unexpected takes him by surprise (including controlling his powers).

Vallerius Zyndrosar -

Fear: His worst fear is that he is an unlovable monster who is unworthy of love and respect. Due to the circumstances of the death of his dad (who was killed by an assassin that was looking for Vallerius), Vall developed strong feelings of self-loathing. He fears that - due to being the son of a Fallen One (thus having dark magic in his blood) - it is in his nature to be dangerous/cause harm to others.

How He Copes: Vall copes with his fear by doing everything in his power to be helpful to those around him, as if to fight against what he fears is his nature. He also tries to contain much of his powers, only using them when it is truly needed, as he fears they are the cause of everything wrong that has happened in his life. He puts the needs of others before his own every time, being afraid to act (as he calls it) "selfishly", and always kees a funny/easygoing mask to pretend to be unbothered by things.

Nyx Faestorm -

Fear: Nyx is terrified of being "a coward". Haunted by the brutal slaughter of his people by the Morosyn Empire, Nyx was able to survive by running away and hiding, which caused him to develop feelings of guilt and shame over "having run away and not helped" when in truth he had no other choice and it was not his fault (he struggles with survivor's guilt, especially since he is considered to be the last fae alive)

How He Copes: Nyx copes with his fear by trying to always jump into action, and keeping a proud facade to hide his low self-esteem. He struggles with freezing up during moments of high stress or danger and tries his best to avoid that from happening so that he can take action.

Sybil Rihdel -

Fear: Sybil struggles with a fear of rejection, feeling like she will never fit in or be accepted by others around her, no matter how hard she tries. She fears that everyone is silently judging her and thinking less of her.

How She Copes: Sybil copes with this by being as wild and unexpected as possible. She believes that, since everyone is going to judge her, she might as well just be herself. And that's good. However, on the days her insecurities are especially strong, she makes a point of being aggressive/obnoxious, even making weird/disturbing jokes (dark humor) often rejecting other people before they can reject her.

Kaden Rihdel -

Fear: Kaden struggles with a strong fear of abandonment. He is afraid of being "left behind" and that he'll end up alone (he doesn't even like spending large stretches of time by himself, it makes him anxious).

How He Copes: Kaden tries to keep those around him as safe as possible, making sure that he is not seen as "a burden". He tries to find ways to always be in the company of someone else, be it by chatting a lot or just following them/helping around.

Nadinne Ahmirah -

Fear: She fears that she will have to live her life stuck to the shore, and never get the chance to sail the seas like she yearns to. She fears being unable to act upon her own choices and fears that her status as a noble lady might stop her from making the difference she wants to see in the world. On the other side of this coin, she also dreads disappointing her family, so she is stuck between being free and being the daughter she needs to be.

How She Copes: Nadinne copes with her fear by finding ways to take action without dishonoring her family name. She becomes a guide/messenger for those who need her help, using her influence to aid those that can truly fight directly against the dangers she wishes she could face without repercussions.

Morwan Destrin -

Fear: Morwan fears that, deep down, she is still the same scorned lady she was in the past, someone who she sees as weak, afraid, and incapable. She fears being weak because weakness only got her hurt and mistreated by a world that saw her as "lesser".

How She Copes: Morwan copes with her fear by doing whatever she can to be as strong and fierce as she can be. She becomes the most dangerous warrior in Agrannor, and yet, she still feels like she could be stronger, more respected. She tries to become a different person than the one she was when she was rejected but neglects to heal the trauma and wounds that said event caused.

Trystan Grayspear -

Fear: Trystan's worst fear is the fear of failure. He is afraid of failing in his duties to the Order of Knights, he is afraid that he will fail on teaching Peregrine everything he needs to know to become a knight. Trystan lives haunted by the thought of one day having to face the shame and humiliation of failing something important (especially since so much of his identity and self-worth is centered around him being a knight and the duties he has to fulfill)

How He Copes: Trystan copes with this by always being the best he can be. He tries to be perfect because if he is perfect he can't fail, and he won't make mistakes (or so he thinks). With him, everything has its time and place, every action must be perfectly calculated in every way, and every chance of making a mistake must be eradicated.

Peregrine Duskeblom -

Fear: Peregrine's worst fear is that he is a disappointment, a letdown that only screws things up. He is afraid that everything wrong that happened in his life was his fault (plus he is haunted by the mistake he made that got him exiled from the Order and disowned by his mentor/adoptive brother).

How He Copes: Peregrine copes by making sure that everything he does is to make sure he makes up for the mistakes he has made and to ensure he doesn't "screw up" again. He tries to fix the problems around him, to redeem himself for all that has happened.

Darian Caelestis -

Fear: Darian is afraid of breaking his promises, of not being able to uphold the vows he makes to his friends and their cause. He is also afraid that - since he is not a skilled warrior and instead is more of a scholar, and his inventions rarely work out as planned - he will be unable to fight for what is right. Darian is also rather afraid of conflict and tried to avoid the war for as long as he could because of this fear.

How He Copes: Darian tries to make newer and more upgraded inventions, sure that this is the time he will get it right. He tried to avoid the war so as not to be forced into a conflict, but upon realizing that this was his only chance to save his friend, he decided to face the danger head-on, so as not to break yet another promise.

Tanwin Lyrandeth -

Fear: Tanwin is afraid of being treated like a weapon and not a person. He is also afraid of having his privacy invaded and having his opinions and thoughts dismissed.

How He Copes: Mostly, he doesn't. All that he can do is hope that it isn't true, but since he believes that "hope" is a lie and that it died a long time ago, he mostly has to just live with the belief that his fears are true.

Seira Nivaine -

Fear: That she'll never know who she truly is, and that she'll have to live her life with that gnawing void of "What am I? Where did I come from?", should she fail to find the answers she needs. The fear of not knowing why she is who she is and never knowing her true past haunts her.

How She Copes: Seira copes with her fear by facing the unknowing, by taking whatever chances she can get to lead her closer to the truth she sorely needs. She copes by taking reassurance from the present, and the things that she knows exists, so as not to let her mind spiral into the void of the endless questions she has no answer to as of yet.

Lukan Velterin -

Fear: That he will forever be just a "good for nothing thief", a scoundrel that will never be more than what he always was, forced to accept a mediocre existence.

How He Copes: Lukan wears a mask of pride and indifference towards the world, using his reputation and the name he built for himself as a defense mechanism against his fears and the world. After all, the "thief of a thousand tricks" always comes out on top. He never needs anyone (because he believes that no one ever needed him) and believes in golden coins, not in any ideal.

Isolde Kierah -

Fear: That she will never live up to her mother's name and expectations. She fears that "how can one be an honorable knight if the crown I hoped to serve is corrupted?". Torn between her orders/training and what she knows is right.

How She Copes: Isolde copes with this by always following her moral compass and letting it guide her, hoping that she is doing the right thing. Thus she has one of the healthiest coping mechanisms on this list. Still, the insecurity and doubt are still there, waiting for a moment of weakness to resurface again.

Arammis Dohrfaren -

Fear: Arammis fears being helpless and unable to stand up against the injustices she and others around her face. Having a very just and rebellious personality, Arammis hates being forcibly told what to do or being stuck in a situation where she can't fight back.

How She Copes: Aramis makes a point of standing up against injustice, the more she is told to back out, the more she wants to get involved. If she can't combat it directly, she will find a subtler alternative, but she'll never give up. Anything to not be helpless.

Princess Ellinor Dallantes:

Fear: Ellinor fears that she doesn't have what it takes to be the ruler she needs to be. That she is not ready for the challenges yet to come. She is also afraid of how her orders could put her friends and her subjects in danger if she doesn't think things through.

How She Copes: She tries to make sure that she is ready for every single outcome, and that she doesn't give her enemies the chance to retaliate and cause more harm. She studies, practices, and fights, all to make sure no one has to die in her name and that she is prepared to take her place as the Queen of Arkellya when they reconquer her lands.

Bryn Seperi -

Fear: Fire. Bryn is viscerally terrified of fire, and even the lightest of candles can cause him immense aversion. He is not afraid of much else, but fire is one of the only things that makes him have a full o breakdown. He is also afraid of losing Cirien or being unable to enact his revenge on High Lady Avaline. (Here's the link to the post where I explain why Bryn is terrified of fire and also explain a bit of his tragic past as well).

How He Copes: (With his fear of fire) He doesn't. Bryn tries to stay as far away from any source of fire as he possibly can, be it a fireplace, a candle, or anything else, even if it means getting cold in the winter. (With his fear of failing his revenge quest) To cope with this, Bryn makes sure he is so deadly that no one can stand in his way and survive, making sure none of his enemies live to tell the tale.

Ansell Kallik -

Fear: Ansell is terrified of failing in his duties as Princess Ellinor's bodyguard and of being unable to protect his friends - he is also afraid of failing as a member of the Gilded Vipers. Also, around the end of Book 1 and the start of Book 2, due to an unfortunate confrontation with a villain, Ansell becomes touch averse and develops a deep phobia of people who can't respect his personal space.

How He Copes: Ansell copes with his fear of failing his duties by always trying to do his best, even going as far as to make sure he takes every hit in battle if it means his friends are unscathed. Even though they tell him he doesn't need to do this and that he shouldn't put himself in danger. He has a dangerous mix of extreme selflessness, lack of self-preservation instincts, and low self-esteem, which makes him rather compromise his safety instead of seeing his friends in peril. As for his touch aversion and fear of people who don't respect his personal space, Ansell slowly gets better at managing his fears, but it never does leave him. To cope with this, he likes spending time with his friends while doing something else so that he isn't left alone with his memories.

Yuna Thyren -

Fear: Yuna constantly struggles with self-blame issues (her family died when her village was raided by the Imperial army, and she managed to survive by sheer luck), as well as past trauma regarding the Morosyn Empire.

How She Copes: Unfortunately Yuna has one of the worst coping mechanisms in the book. After surviving what was meant to kill her, Yuna became well, depressed. She started turning into a very reckless person, especially when it came to her health and safety. She began drinking, gambling, and getting into fights with local thugs and lowlifes. When Ellinor and Ansell met her and gave her a chance to join the team, she decided to turn her life around and start dealing with her problems more sustainably, now that she has people to support her.

Emryc Thorne -

Fear: Illness (the Blood Curse Plague is one of his major childhood traumas, more than he'd like to admit it), as well as insecurity, uncertainty of the future, and being forced to trust people he would never otherwise believe in. Emryc, also has slight thalassophobia, despite literally coming from the seafaring archipelago of the Storm Isles, but not for any specific reason from his past - he just doesn't like the sea, and quite frankly, with the sea creatures and sea monsters that exist in Agrannor, that's a very valid fear.

How He Copes: Emryc tries to avoid any place that he views as unclean - in any way - or where he knows someone sick has been in recently. He doesn't like hugging strangers (though he is a hugger with his friends because he knows they aren't going to get him sick), nor people who talk too close to him, for the same reason as to avoid illness. A simple cough or skin rash is enough to send chills down his spine (at one point in TLW he actually pukes after seeing an infected wound), and he deals with it by getting as far away from it as he can. As for his mild fear of the seas, its nothing debilitating, and he might even agree to enter a ship (that's basically how he escaped the Storm Isles during the height of the Blood Curse Plague), though he stays incredibly still during the entire boat ride - and as far away from the ship's railing as possible - and might even go pale. Due to this fear, he still doesn't know how to swim very well but might do it to survive or to save someone he cares about.

Zephyr Tellian -

Fear: When Zephyr was a young teen, he and his brother witnessed the Fall of Eldon. The entire kingdom was slowly being destroyed and wiped out into nothing. In the midst of the war, they were betrayed by a close friend, who allied himself to the Secret Court out of grief and envy. This "friend" sought to curse/kill Jamie, but Zephyr intervened and ended up being hit with the spell in his place. Because of this, not only is Zephyr plagued by very brutal nightmares and memories (especially now that his curse is getting worse), but he suffers from a lot of trust issues and the fear of being betrayed.

How He Copes: Zephyr mostly tries to pretend that his past doesn't affect him as much as it does. As for his fear of being betrayed, Zephyr has a tendency of pretending he trusts other people and to try and "test" if they're truly on his side or if they mean any harm to him and Jamie.

Jamie Tellian -

Fear: Jamie is terrified of losing Zephyr and of being unable to find a cure for his older brother's curse before it's too late. Growing up, they only had each other - and literally, nothing else - so, even now that they've both grown up, Jamie fears that he will end up alone in the end.

How He Copes: Jamie tries to always be prepared, seeking any solution he can find to try and break the curse, and always being there for his brother, even though Jamie is the youngest. He tries to always find a way to keep them both safe and always tries to excel at anything he has the opportunity to do.

Innara Renfelli -

Fear: Innara's worst fear is her Great-Uncle, Kerwin Illythe (he'd been the husband of her late Great-Aunt Eudora Renfelli). Also known as the man who ruined her life. When she was young, Kerwin never made it a secret that he despised the young girl, seeing her as a bastard and a disgrace to the House Regent (even though she was not), and making as many obstacles as he could in order to derail his young nephew's rule and turn the Council of Houses against him. Recently, Innara discovered that the corrupt nobleman had been working for the Secret Court and was poisoning her father with dark magic. When Innara tried to expose Kerwin, he turned the Council of Houses against her and got her exiled. Even after fleeing her own kingdom and escaping assassins sent to kill her, the trauma never left her.

How She Copes: Innara vowed that she would make things right and find a way to defeat the Secret Court in order to defeat her great-uncle, hopefully in time to save her father's life. However, Innara started struggling with feelings of inadequacy, often thinking "What if she truly isn't enough?", and to cope with them, she started to try and prove her worth, to herself.

Helios Maevel -

Fear: Of being framed and unable to prove the truth about himself. He is also haunted by the death of his childhood best friend, Andreas Raynell, who was murdered by Councilor Viltarin in order to frame Helios (and who died in Helios' arms). Helios developed a strong repulsion to blood after that - feeling like he just couldn't wash away his friend's blood from his hands, even though it was not his fault - a phobia that completely ruined his dreams of becoming a physician in the future). Helios also struggles with some identity issues, especially after discovering his true parentage (something I can't reveal now without spoilers).

How He Copes: Helios tries to make sure he never finds himself backed into a situation he cannot find his way out of and to always have all the facts to everything he is convinced into doing. As for his phobia of blood, Helios has a nervous habit of washing his hands far more than he needs to, and of always wearing thick gloves. He still doesn't know how to cope with his discovery of his parentage and does not know what to do with it.

Cassander Fynn -

Fear: Of losing control of a situation, being unable to read his opponents, or making a bad decision. As a rebel spy, thousands of lives depend on his ability to keep things controlled and to fool his enemies, and if he makes a mistake, other people might pay dearly for it, and that's not something he is willing to let happen. The fear of being wrong or mistaken.

How He Copes: Cassander does his best to plan every situation to the best of his abilities, to always be three steps ahead of his opponents - making them play the game of war by his rules, not the other way around. He can't let himself have moments of doubt and uncertainty, as those could cause his cover to be blown or make him make a bad decision, so he keeps his head clear and his emotions in check.

Luciya Anynth -

Fear: Of losing her freedom, of being trapped, of not being able to act independently, or being forced to follow someone else's orders. She developed this fear after being captured by the Morosyn Empire and forced to be a servant (a handmaid) of the woman who destroyed her life. Luciya is also terrified of being betrayed or left behind, as that is exactly what her half-brother did to her (in her view) when he joined the Morosyn Empire.

How She Copes: Since she can't outright fight against her fear without risking an execution, Luciya makes do by planning her escape every day of her life and working to make the Empire crumble from within, little acts of rebellion that go unnoticed, but stack up on the longer term. As for her fear of being betrayed, she might take a lot of time to start to even remotely trust someone, unless they do something that proves that she can trust them truly, and reacts very ruthlessly to those who dare betray her again.

Quinn Aurellen -

Fear: Quinn fears unpredictability and chaos, though he often uses it to his advantage, but only when it happens to be chaos in the lives of his enemies, not his own. He also deeply fears the Morosyn Empire and the nobles he is forced to entertain, a fear that turned into contempt and disgust over the years. Also, Quinn struggles every day with the dreadful fear of losing his five-year-old son (I mean, he lives literally in the midst of some of the most dangerous people on the continent, and should they wish to do anything to harm them, Quinn would be hopeless to fight back against it, especially since, being a courtesan and a slave, he does not have the status of "free citizen" and thus no legal protection)

How He Copes: Quinn copes by making sure he knows every secret and every hidden weakness of everyone in the royal court. He might not be free, but now neither are they - because he knows enough secrets to destroy them should he wish to speak up. To protect his son, Quinn keeps the boy as far from the court affairs as he possibly can while living in the Imperial Palaces.

Brenwyn Turen/"Revna Venlesh" -

Fear: The fear of being used/manipulated, as well as the debilitating fear of being forgotten, of one day, her name being nothing more than a speck of dust and her life completely ignored in the grand scheme of things, just like her once proud Mageborn House was completely erased, and is now nothing but a forgotten myth.

How She Copes: Brenwyn does everything that she can to ensure that she knows the motivations of those around her, so that she can know if she is being manipulated. As to cope with her fear of being forgotten, Brenwyn strives to do something great and memorable, so that her life was "not for nothing" (in her own words), and so that she might one day even make people remember her lost House.

Fabian Anynth -

Fear: Fabian struggles with a debilitating fear of humiliation and of being treated as someone inferior, something that causes him deep hatred and rage. Growing up, Fabian always knew that the world around him saw him as expendable, as less than dirt - especially for his half-elf status and the fact that he was, for most of his early life, "nothing more than a street kid". Being a very prideful person, having to grow up with his pride being constantly wounded and mocked, caused Fabian to eventually snap - especially after he was forced to beg someone for something as simple as food. Fabian, deep down, struggles with the fear of losing his little half-sister as well, because she was the only person who truly respected him and loved him.

How He Copes: Fabian swore that he would make something of himself, that he would become someone important and powerful enough to make those who had disrespected and mistreated him regret their actions and fear him. Now, as an Imperial Hunter, he can shun the part of his heritage that caused him suffering (though deep down it only makes him feel even more inadequate since as a Hunter he is literally betraying his own kind and working for the enemy) and has become respected by everyone around him, even the Emperor himself. But he wants more. He to bring this corrupted Empire down, and to create a future where no one has to be treated as lesser, and where kids like he once was can have the opportunity to thrive and survive without having to become monsters (like he thinks he became).

Lord Nethen Fahris -

Fear: His worst fear is the executioner (and executions in general), but he also has a deep-seated fear of being unable to destroy his enemies. Nethen is also a perfectionist, and due to a traumatic event in his past, he is mortified of ever making a mistake. (During his childhood, Nethen was raised by a young elf named Elain, whom his family had bought to work as his tutor and nanny. When Nethen accidentally made a mistake that angered the Emperor, his father allowed Elain to be executed and Nethen was forced to watch the execution of the only person who had been like family to him - as his own family didn't care about him. His mother told him that day that "such is the price of making a mistake, boy". Now a young adult, Nethen struggles with PTSD and traumatic visions of that day in his past, which fueled him to try and destroy the system that did this to him.)

How He Copes: Nethen copes with his fears by being calculated and meticulous, always planning everything that he does and knowing every possible outcome - so as not to "allow himself to make a mistake a second time". No one must be more prepared than him, no one must know more than him. Not even the Emperor will stand in his way this time, and he will do whatever it takes to make his vision of the future come to fruition.

Oryon Zyndor -

Fear: Drowning. Despite being half-merfolk, and having once truly enjoyed swimming, after being betrayed and thrown overboard by the captain of the ship he worked for, Oryon developed a strong, unyielding fear of drowning.

How He Copes: He simply doesn't swim anymore and avoids any large bodies of water if he has the option to.

Myrah Faron -

Fear: The fear of death and loss (her past is complicated, but basically her clan was slaughtered by the Radiant Hunt). Myrah is also afraid of being forced to do something she does not want to do, due to her very instinctive personality, preferring to have the option to act freely and on instinct.

How She Copes: Myrah copes with her her fear of death by making sure it doesn't happen to anyone around her, by giving them the means to survive and live their lives. As for her dislike/fear of being controlled or told what to do, Myrah simply ignores any orders and does as she sees fit.

Elyren Tyrvommira -

Fear: Of failing his necromancy spell and being unable to bring his family back to life. Elyren is also afraid of the continent in general, in a very spiteful, bitter, and dangerous way, since he believes that all those lands have done to him was cause him harm, pain, and suffering.

How He Copes: Elyren dedicates himself to studying his spells and spends every day of his life doing all that he can to make sure his plan will work. Obsessed with finding the First Source, which he believes is the key to making his spell work and defeating his enemies, Elyren is willing to do anything to change what happened in the past.

#writing #writers #my wips #character writing #my writing #my characters #writeblr #writerblr #writers on tumblr #asked and answered #blorbo blursday!

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tea-with-m · 2 years

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hi um idk if you do requests and if not then feel free to ignore this!! could i get a vox x reader where the reader is afraid to fall in love because of some bad relas in the past? if not thats completely ok! thank you and i absolutely love your writing!!! make sure to drink water and stay hydrated!

Awe thank you @k-l-a-w-s ! I do have my asks open, I just haven't made an official requests post or anything. Your more than welcome to make requests tho and I'll do my best to get around to them. Hope you don't mind but I'm gonna tag on some extra guys just cause writing this got me thinkin and it feels a little wrong not to make a post for the V three with great this idea. Hope you like it ! I had a lot of fun writing it.

Warnings: Some strong language and some light mention of violence.

Afraid of falling in Love ?

(Vox, Velvet, and Valentino X reader afraid of Love

Vox

You had your fair share of relationships with a number of people and many of them left you burned, batter, and with a lasting bad taste in your mouth.

So it was no surprise that you had more than a little apprehension to the notion of "falling in love."

But here you were, in your most recent relationship with the cocky, loud, arrogant, and sometime selfishly acting Vox. He is certainly hard to handle at times, but you stuck it out.

And as the time past you have come to find that under his hard outer shell, there is a man who can be kind and thoughtful. Sure out in public he has this persona to uphold, but the time you have spent with him behind closed doors has shown you there is so much more to him that the shtick he gives everyone else.

That scared you.

The more of the real him you got to see, the more you grew to like and care for him. And it was at this point when all your past relationship would start to go wrong. When you started getting attached.

You feared deeply that things would go wrong with him too.

So you did the only rational thing you could think of to protect yourself and you started putting distance between you and him. You couldn't get hurt if you kept your distance. You talked less, went out less and little by little you would drift apart.

After all this couldn't be more than a fling to him? He was an Overlord. You had to be a one time pass, there was no way things were going to keep going so well.

You thought to yourself, soon he would be board of you and you would be done with him.

That is how things always went.

Weeks went by and soon weeks turned into months where you would say nothing and do nothing with him.

One day he asked you to meet him at his penthouse suite, just out of the blue. You were going to turn him down, but you figured if it was going to end it would be now. You would show up and either he would break up with you or you would break up with him.

This is the way it had to be.

But when you got there, you were surprised.

He had set up quite a romantic little scene, there were candles in your favorite scent that lead a trail to a dinner table for two. He stood there dressed in a suit and tie holding a bouquet of your favorite flowers.

You looked at him in pure shock

Tears began to well up in your eyes as the words left your lips

" I can't do this "

You turned to run away from him. But he caught your wrist before you could give him the slip. He asked you frantically.

"Baby please, I'm sorry if I did something wrong. I don't know what the hell I did... I'm a fuckin idiot. Just please talk to me. I want to try and make it better. But you been avoiding me. I was hopin maybe this shit would make you stay and talk. Damn, please give me something. "

You could hear the desperation and pain in his voice as he tried to get you to say something. You couldn't bare to look him in the face as you say.

"WE are done...Please... let me go." He let go of your wrist and you quickly walked towards the door.

What you didn't expect was for him to block the only exit with an electric barrier keeping you from leaving the penthouse. You stood staring at it. He spoke slowly.

"Tell me... Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't feel nothin for me. Look at me straight and tell me that it is over and I will let you walk out that door. If you can't do that then you and I ain't movin no where. "

You fall to your knees and begin to sob. You don't know what else to do. You couldn't tell him any of those things and actually mean it.

He walks over to you and sits in front of you. " I am not a very patient man... but I will sit here until you are ready to say somethin."

True to his word he sits patiently and waits for you to stop crying. He doesn't touch you at all he just lets you cry it out. It takes you about half an hour to feel stable enough to speak.

You start slowly and explain to him that you were so afraid of getting close to him because of the past relationships you had.

You have been used, abused, cheated on and thrown out all when you stared to feel something for those others. When things start to look like they are going good it all comes crashing down for you. You didn't want that to happen again. Especially not with him.

You really liked him, hell you might even say love and that terrifies you because you are so tired of being hurt. You started to cry again and this time he pulls you in and holds you. He speaks softly in a gentle tone.

" I understand how ya feel... I been through hell with this heart of mine too. It hurts that you think ya can't talk to me about this. But I understand why it is hard for ya. If ya still want this.. can you promise me you will come to me with your concerns and not just ghost me?"

You look up at him and give the side of his screen a light and playful flick. " Of course I still want you." You plant a gentle kiss on his screen where his mouth would be.

His screen color flushes in a pink shade and he lets out a staticky chuckle.

The two of you agree to take things slow and to talk more about how you feel. Vox expresses that he want you to feel confident in the relationship and in him because he is devoted to you.

He asks you if you wanna come with him to hunt down your ex's for some revenge. But you tell him not tonight and opt to just cuddle and enjoy each others company.

Your last thoughts' before falling asleep in his arms, is that maybe this relationship could grow into something good given time.

Maybe together you could both learn to love again and it wouldn't be so scary.

Velvet

You and Velvet started out as friends. You bonded at some event and went out on a spree of chaos for the night. The friendship quickly took off and you found yourself spending so much time with the spunky little red head.

You guys talked and texted all the time. It seemed like she was a real open book with you. Complete transparency.

Velvet would ask you to join her everywhere and one day she was like...

" I really like you. You wanna go out on a date like as not friends and just see where it goes?"

It's not hard to say your reaction defiantly took her by surprise.

You crushed your wicdonalds drink and abruptly got up rushing to the bathroom. Where you proceed to lock yourself in a stall and not come out.

She text you.

" So is that a no *sad face emoji* ?"

You did not answer and after about 20 minutes she got worried and deiced to come into the bathroom after you. She proceed to yell.

" If there is anyone else in this bathroom GET OUT or I'm gonna paint the walls a pretty red with you !!!"

Several denizens clamber quickly out of the bathroom, giving you some privacy.

Velvet walks over to the one stall door that did not immediately swing open. She knocks gently.

"Hey, Hun... you okay in there?" she waits for an answer

You don't reply.

" Look, it's okay if you don't want what we got to change. I get it. But please come out, will ya? " She tells you this in her honeyed voice that makes your heart beat fast.

It's not that you hate the idea of a date... But so much has happened and you just don't want that to happen again with her.

You slowly open the bathroom stall and look at her.

" Look Vel it's not that I hate the idea..."

She gives you a look that says " That is total not how this situation reads and you know it." But she surprisingly remains quite and lets you finish what you were going to say.

"I know, I know... * You look down* The word "date" just scares me... or maybe its all the things that come after and what could happen. So much has gone wrong and I just... * Velvet cuts' you off*

"Babes " She puts her hands on her hips and gives you her trade mark playful grin. " This is me we are talkin bout. You don't gotta be afraid to tell me something is makin you uncomfortable. If you don't wanna do the whole date thing then that's okay. We can still totally hang out as friends."

You look back up at her and give a weak smile.

"Thanks..."

Velvet takes a good look at you and pulls you into a hug.

"I get the feelin this is more of a bother to you then yer lettin on." She gently pats your head. " You don't have to talk about it now, but I am here to listen if you change yer mind."

You are a bit shocked, it is rare to receive moments like this from this spitfire. But she has her days.

You pull back and give a more whole hearted smile.

"Thanks Vel."

" No Probs Bobs ! Now !!! Ya wanna go cause some chaos ?!?! Cause like this place has so totally gotten boring !!!" Velvet early pulls you along and out of the bathroom.

As you leave, you lose yourself a little in thought.

You definitely care for Velvet, she is your bestie... But you can't shake the feeling that there is something more behind what you feel.

A small part of you is actually disappointed that you turned down that date offer. But you are too scared to push the envelope any further with her...

At for right now.

You have got a lot to work through and you know that no matter what happens this crazy chick has got your back. So you decide to sit on your thoughts and feels until you are ready to unpack them with her.

This could totally wait, destroying shit with your main squeez was much more important. At least it would offer a good distraction.

You weren't quite ready to tackle all the things that came after "date"

You felt so defeated just thinking about all your romantic tragedies in the past. All the scares you "lovers" left on you. They were people you thought were safe, people you had given you love to willingly only to be stabbed in the back.

To be fair this was hell, and everyone had some sort of angle... it was foolish to think that hippieness was even a possibility down here.

But she made you happy... didn't she? She made your heart flutter with anticipation and delight every time she was near did she not?

These thought kept running through your head throughout the night .

Velvet could tell your heart just wasn't in it because your head was somewhere else.

After blowing up a few things and sharing some half hearted giggles. She opted to take you back to her place suggesting that the two of you could watch some movies.

You both settled in with some popcorn and a punch of snacks.

Velvet hoped the relaxing change of pace would set your mind at ease but your demeanor remained ever the same.

She decided to take a chance and bring up the subject again.

" Hey hun... you still seem really bothered. You wanna talk about it." She sounded so genuine and sweet.

You couldn't look her in the eyes, so instead you look out the window and just said " I'm good Vel, just lost in my own thoughts... Sorry if I am bringing down the mood... Maybe I should just go home."

"I know you are really bein bugged by somethin, its written like all over your face. Please tell me. Maybe I can help. " She proceeded to rest her head in your lap and lightly booped your nose.

You smiled down at her with a sigh.

Figuring it was probably best to just tell her what was wrong because she definitely wouldn't leave you alone about it and she was just gonna keep asking.

So you proceeded to awkward spill your guts to your best friend and she listened patiently.

When you were done explaining your past with relationships and the fear they had left you with because of the hurt you felt, she understandably looked pissed.

In turn you looked a little nervous down at her.

" I am not mad at you bunny, I AM Mad that someone would dare hurt you so badly, a few someone's !!! That is Just Totally not COOL!!!"

You giggled a little at her action, but could not help the tears that were slowly trickling down your face.

Never did you think you would ever get to take the weight of how you felt off your chest. Yet here you were being vulnerable.

Velvet softy wiped your tears and pulled you into a warm hug letting you just cry it out as you needed to.

You were scared of the word "date" because you were scared of the love that came with it if things went well.

She couldn't say she completely understood, usually if someone broke her heart she would just rip out there's, but you were not her and she got that you just handled things differently.

Gently she let you out of the hug and told you.

" I really like you as a friend and no matter what happens I want us to always stay friends. So, if ya eva change yer mind about the whole dating shabang and wanted to try it with me, I want us to be open and talk about how we feel. IF things ain't working out we can always go back to being friends cause I would rather have you in my life as a friend then like not at all."

She hugs you again and cheerily says " Oh and I am SO Totally murdering your ex's !!! No one hurts my bestie and gets away with it !!! "

You laugh and feeling better, you both proceed to spend the rest of the night just watching movies.

Valentino

He wasn't exactly know for liking commitment.

You haven't the slightest clues as to how you ended up in a long term relationship with Valentino.

Typically he would just take what he wanted and throw whoever out when he had his fill of fun with them.

But for whatever reason, that was not the case with you.

But weeks turned into months and he was showing no signs of wanting to get rid of you.

You fully expected to just have a little fling with him and figured even if you were just gonna get dumped in the end at least you could have some fun and milk the situation for what it was worth.

Which of course put you in a very awkward (some might say dangerous) situation because You did not like the idea of getting attached to him.

Yet that is exactly what was happening.

You were beginning to fall for one of the worst people in Hell to do that with.

It would be light to say, that this fact down right terrified you because the deeper and deeper your affections got for him the closer to love you came.

You didn't want to love him ! You didn't want to love anyone Ever Again !!!

This realization of yours made interactions with Val slowly become more stiff and unpleasant as you got more annoyed at these growing feelings.

He began to notice your shift in mood towards him.

The both of you were in one of his clubs.

"Baby, what's got you all wound up~" he asks you in his sweet and seductive tone.

You don't look at him, you just proceed to roll your eyes and huff out in annoyance.

" This show is almost over Sweets, I see your annoyed we can go anywhere you want after this." he plants quick kiss behind your ear and pulls you into his lap.

He chuckles at your little display and tactfully, tip-toes his hands around your shoulder and arm pulling you close. Whispering in your ear.

You promptly pull away and squirm your way out of his lap, crossing your arms you turn your back on him.

This clearly pisses Valentino off. If there is one thing he hates it is certainly being ignored. Especially when he is being so sweet.

When it is over he quickly gets up and despite still being mad he offers you his hand.

His face visibly sours and the two of you sit in awkward silence for the last few minutes of the show.

You don't really look at him, but you take his hand and allow him to help you stand up anyway.

The two of you walk back to his limo and when the door shuts you both in, is when he begins his questions.

" Your being a real Bitch babe? Were you that unhappy with bein there ? You could have just said you didn't want to go with me ya know ! "

His sweet tones have all but faded into heavy annoyance.

" I don't really feel like talking about it... Can you just take me home... Please. " You don't look at him at all, you just stare out the window like the scene passing by is so interesting.

He cracks his car side window a little and takes a long drag from his cigarette, puffing out the smoke in wafts. He grits his teeth and curtly answers.

" Fine. Babe. I'll take ya home." He gives a knock to the upfront driver and his limo drops you off right in front of your house.

You proceed to not answer Any of his calls or texts for the next couple of weeks.

In response Valentino begins to send you gifts, and you send each of them right back.

This goes on for about a month and he finally caves, furiously annoyed that you won't accept anything from him or answer any of his calls or texts.

One night you hear a knocking on your door. You have no idea who the hell would want to see you at this time of night and you couldn't care to get up and check.

You hear the knockings again this time louder and more frantic.

You rise with an annoyed groan " I'm Coming, I'm Coming hold your horses !"

Leaning your head against the door you let out a sigh. And slowly open it, letting him in and closing it behind him.

Looking through the peep hole you see a much less extravagant version of Val standing there with a bouquet of flowers.

Very uncharacteristically weak Val say " I brought you flowers..."

It is very clear he doesn't know what to say and he seems a little afraid to say anything. There are bags under his eyes and it looks like he very clearly has not been sleeping well.

You take some pity on him and gently take the flowers " Thanks"

He follows you as you look for something to put them in.

You pull out a vase and place the floral bouquet in them.

" Look... I... Uh... I'm s-sorry. " it is very clear that the phrase sorry is not something that comes naturally to Valentino.

" I don't exactly know what the hell I did, if it's cause I called I called you a bitch...You were acting pretty cold for no damn reason.. I just... " You listen tentatively.

" Things were goin so well and then you started acting all weird..." His tone is a mix of sadness and anger, intense yet dull all at the same time.

" Then you fuckin ghost me, wont answer my calls and you've rejects all the crap I sent you... I don't get it !!! What the hell did I do wrong? "

He gets down on his knees so he is eye level to you.

" Please... Tell me what went wrong ?" You can see clearly the desperation in his eyes.

" I love you... I can't... I don't wanna lose you... "

Without noticing tears being to slip past your eyelids. You shakily reply.

"Y-you can't Love me !!!" You look him in the eyes with a fearful look filling the pools of your.

He surprises you, with tenderness you did not know he was capable of as he gently pulls you close to him with his lower arms and wipes your tears with the top set.

" Why can't I ?" Val looks you in the eyes and you recognize the look he is giving you because it is the same one you are giving him.

He is just as afraid and vulnerable as you are in this moment.

You pull him into a hug and when you pull away you help him up and gently guide him to your bedroom, sitting him down on the bed.

The two of you begin to talk it out, you spend hours just letting your walls down in conversation.

You learn that he often guards his heart so closely because love and loss have left him so jaded, but when he is with you he doesn't feel like there are any expectations and it just feels natural.

In turn you tell him that your past relationships have left you afraid to ever love someone again, and despite the way he is someone you started to love him too.

When your confessions are done and no more word are shared between you, you both decide to meld into each other for the night. Sharing your bed, you spend a night of passion and for that time you allow yourself to feel nothing but.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin velvet #hazbin vox #hazbin valentino #vox x reader #velvet x reader #valentino x reader #hazbin x reader #hazbin hotel vivziepop #x reader

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impalementation · 3 years

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spike, angel, buffy & romanticism: part 3

part 1: “When you kiss me I want to die”: Angel and the high school seasons

part 2: “Love isn’t brains, children”: Enter Spike as the id

“Something effulgent”: Season five and the construction of Spike the romantic

Prior to becoming a romantic interest, Spike is everything I discussed in the last section. He is an id and a mirror for Buffy, he’s prone to both romantic exaggeration and cutting realism, and his liminality suggests ambiguity. But outside of “Lovers Walk”, the writing doesn’t actually delve too deeply into Spike’s nature as a romantic. If you stopped the canon at “Restless”, you’d probably think that Spike’s love for Drusilla was intriguing, but that the show hadn’t really gone anywhere with the implications of it, and for all you knew, that might not be an important part of his character anymore. So one of the most interesting things about season five to me, is that in this season in which the writers first consciously, deliberately decide to explore the sexual and romantic tension between Spike and Buffy, they also emphasize Spike’s romanticism more than ever. The choice to define Spike by his romanticism is a choice that follows naturally from everything established about his character, but it was also not an inevitable choice. Therefore, it’s a choice worth looking at in some detail.

Consider everything that “Fool For Love” establishes about Spike, especially the things that contradict what was supposedly canon at the time. It makes Drusilla his sire instead of Angel, meaning that he is sired by a romantic connection, and as a direct result of heartbreak. It makes him a poet living in the middle of the Victorian era, an age at odds with his previous ages of “barely 200” and “126”. Meaning that the writing specifically decides to ignore its canon in order to associate him with an era in which passions would have been repressed (rather than the Romantic era of the early 1800’s or the modern energy of the early 1900’s). Moreover, the episode reveals his entire aesthetic and personality to essentially be a construct. But most tellingly of all, it reveals him to be an idealist. Spike is not just a performance artist; he yearns for the “effulgent”, for something “glowing and glistening” that the “vulgarians” of the world don’t understand. In other words, he yearns for something bigger and more beautiful than life: something romantic. Later, he chases after “death, glory, and sod all else.” Spike may be a “fool for love”, who has a romantic view of romantic love specifically, but the episode is very clear about the fact that he is also a romantic more generally. When Drusilla turns him, she doesn’t tempt him by telling him she’ll love him forever. She tempts him by offering him “something…effulgent”. (Which, in typical Spike form, the episode immediately undercuts by having him say “ow” instead of swooning romantically). The fact that “Fool For Love”, Spike’s major backstory episode, is so determined to paint him as a romantic--and in particular, a disappointed, frustrated romantic--that it is willing to contradict canon to do so, tells you that this choice was important for framing Spike and his new, ongoing thematic role.

I’ve talked in the past about how season five is all about the tension between the mythical and the mortal--between big, grand, sweeping narratives, and the reality of being human. Buffy is the Slayer, but she’s also just a girl who loses her mother. Dawn is the key, but she’s also just a confused and hormonal fourteen-year-old. Willow is a powerful witch, but she also just wants her girlfriend to be okay. Glory is a god, but she’s also a human man named Ben, and finds herself increasingly weakened by his emotions. And Spike embodies this tension perfectly. He’s a soulless vampire with a lifetime of bloodshed behind him, but he’s also this silly, human man who wants to love and be loved. He wants big, grand things, but every time they are frustrated by a Victorian society, a rejection, a chip, a pratfall, or dying with an “ow”. Furthermore, his season five storyline is all about the tension between loving in an exalted, yet often selfish way, versus loving in a “real” or selfless way.

There was a fascinating piece a ways back that discussed how Spike’s attempts to woo Buffy in season five almost perfectly match the romantic narratives of Courtly Love. In the words of the author:

The term "Courtly Love" is used to describe a certain kind of relationship common in romantic medieval literature. The Knight/Lover finds himself desperately and piteously enamored of a divinely beautiful but unobtainable woman. After a period of distressed introspection, he offers himself as her faithful servant and goes forth to perform brave deeds in her honor. His desire to impress her and to be found worthy of her gradually transforms and ennobles him; his sufferings -- inner turmoil, doubts as to the lady's care of him, as well as physical travails -- ultimately lends him wisdom, patience, and virtue and his acts themselves worldly renown.

You can see for yourself how well that description fits Spike’s arc. He fixates on the torturous, abject nature of his love, and has it in his head that he can perform deeds and demonstrate virtue, and this will prove to Buffy that he is worthy of her. But despite Spike’s gradual ennobling over the course of the season, I think it would be a mistake to see the season as using the Courtly Love narrative uncritically, or even just ironically. The same way it would be a mistake to see season two as using the Gothic uncritically. Spike is as much Don Quixote as he is Lancelot. He is a character that deliberately tries to act out romantic tropes, giving the writing an opportunity to satirize those tropes, including the tropes of chivalric romance. In particular, the writing criticizes Spike’s (very chivalric) fixation on love as a personal agony, something that is more about pain--and specifically, his pain--than building a real relationship. Over and over in season five, he is forced to abandon these sorts of flattering romantic mindsets in favor of a more complicated reality.

So at first, Spike’s “deeds” tend to be shallow and vaguely transactional. He tries to help Buffy in “Checkpoint” even though she doesn’t want it (and insults her when she doesn’t appreciate it), he asks “what the hell does it take?” when Buffy is unimpressed by him not feeding on “bleeding disaster victims” in “Triangle”, he rants bitterly at a mannequin when Buffy fails to be grateful to him for taking her to Riley in “Into the Woods”, and he is angry and confused when Buffy is unmoved by his offer to stake Drusilla in “Crush”. While these attempts to symbolically reject his evilness are startling for a soulless vampire, and although Spike certainly feels like he is fundamentally altering himself for Buffy’s sake, none of it is based on understanding or supporting Buffy in a way that she would actually find substantial. Moreover, he lashes out when his gestures fail to win her attention or affection. He has an idea in his head of how their romantic scenes should play out, and reacts petulantly when reality fails to live up to it.

But these incidents of self-interested narrativizing are also continuously contrasted with scenes in which Spike reacts with real generosity, or is surprised when he realizes he’s touched something emotionally genuine. When Buffy seeks him out in “Checkpoint”, his mannerisms instantly change when he realizes she actually needs real help (“You’re the only one strong enough to protect them”), rather than the performed help he offered at the beginning of the episode. At the end of “Fool For Love” he’s struck dumb by Buffy’s grief, and his antagonistic posturing all evening melts away. He abandons his romantic vision of their erotic, life-and-death rivalry in favor of real, awkward emotional intimacy. In “Forever” he tries to anonymously leave flowers for Joyce, and reacts angrily when he’s denied—but this time not because he wanted something from Buffy. Simply because he wanted to do something meaningful.

This contradictory behavior comes to a head in “Intervention”, the episode in which Spike finally begins to understand the difference between real and transactional generosity. Up until that point, Spike has been reacting both selfishly and unselfishly, but he hasn’t been able to truly distinguish between them, which is why he keeps repeating the same mistakes. Although he touches something real at the end of “Fool For Love”, for instance, he goes on to rifle through Buffy’s intimates in the very next episode. And so “Intervention” has Spike go to extremes of fakeness and reality. He gives up on having the real Buffy, and seeks out an artificial substitute that lets him live out his cheesiest romance novel scripts. It’s important that the Buffybot isn’t just a sexbot, even if he does have sex with her. She’s a bot he plays out romantic scenarios with the way he played them with Harmony in “Crush”, allowing him to almost literally live within a fiction. But then he “gives up” on having Buffy in a way that’s actually real, by offering up his life. He lets himself be tortured, and potentially killed, for no other reason than that to do otherwise would cause Buffy pain. The focus is on her pain, not his. For the first time, he acts like the Knight he’s been trying to be all along. He performs a grand, heroic deed that causes the object of his affection to see him in a different light, and even grant him a kiss. Yet ironically, as part of learning the difference between real and fake, he ceases to press for Buffy’s reciprocation. Through the end of season five, Spike continues to act the selfless Knight, assisting Buffy in her heroism without asking for anything in return. Which culminates in his declaration that he knows Buffy “will never love him”, even after he’s promised her the deed of protecting Dawn, and even though she allows a kind of intimacy by letting him back in her house. He proves that he sees those gestures for what they are, rather than in a transactional light. The irony of the way Spike fulfills the narrative of chivalric romance, is that his ennobling involves letting aspects of that narrative go.

In a Courtly Love narrative, the object of the Knight’s affection is fundamentally pedestalized. The Knight himself might be flawed, but the woman he pines after is not. She is “divinely beautiful” and “unobtainable”, something above him and almost more than human. This is why it’s so comic that in Don Quixote, which was a direct satire of chivalric romance, Alonso Quixano’s “lady love” is a vulgar peasant farmgirl who has no idea who he is. (Think of the way Spike asks if Buffy is tough in “School Hard” or threatens to “take her apart” despite “how brilliant she is” in “The Initiative”, followed by scenes where Buffy is acting like the teenage girl she is. Or how Giles in “Checkpoint” says that Buffy has “acquired a remarkable focus” before cutting to Buffy yawning.). Although it’s true that Buffy is beautiful, and supernatural, and profoundly moral, she is also very human, and the writing is very concerned with that humanity. Season five in particular, as I’ve mentioned, is preoccupied with the duality of Buffy’s mythic and mortal nature. Thus it becomes significant that Buffy is assigned such a heightened role in Spike’s chivalric narrative. Just Spike is at once Lancelot and Don Quixote, Buffy is at once Achilles, Dulcinea, and a coming-of-age protagonist.

And part of the “lesson” of Spike’s arc is for him to see both sides of the roles they embody. One of my favorite things about the scene in Buffy’s house in “The Gift” is how adroitly it conveys the dualities of both Buffy and Spike with simple, but poetic imagery and language. Buffy stands above Spike on her steps, conveying her elevated role, and Spike honors the way her heroic status has inspired him by physically looking up to her as he explains that he expects nothing from her. But by expecting nothing from her, and promising to protect her sister, he also honors the fact that she is a real person with no obligation to him, and a younger sister she cares about more than anything. He also honors his own duality by at once making Knightly promises, and acknowledging that he sees through his former delusions: “I know that I’m a monster, but you treat me like a man.” In “Fool For Love” he tried to acknowledge the same duality of realism and romance, by declaring to Cecily that “I know I’m a bad poet, but I’m a good man.” But at the time, he was an innocent, whose desire to be seen, and whose romantic avoidance of “dark, ugly things”, left him unprepared to understand how Cecily really saw him (similar to Spike’s insistence in “Crush” that what he and Buffy have “isn’t pretty, but it’s real” just before Buffy locks him out). Spike is a character defined simultaneously by continuous disillusionment and dogged aspiration, which is why he makes perfect sense as a character to embody a season torn between the pain of being human, and the wonder of the gift of love.

Fittingly, the season ends with Spike’s most devastating loss of innocence of all. He fails to be the hero for Buffy or Dawn (note that Knightly language he uses on the tower: “I made a promise to a lady”), and he loses the woman he loves. He may have become more virtuous, but unlike in a chivalric romance, that virtue wins him neither Buffy, nor something flattering like “world reknown.” The climax of the “The Gift” is full of romance—a god, a troll hammer, a damsel on a tower, a heroic self-sacrifice, a vampire transformed into a Knight—but the end result is that Buffy is dead, in part because he wasn’t good enough, and all that he and the Scoobies can do is grieve. Stories got Spike nothing, even when reality finally lived up to them. It is a swan song to the myths of childhood, and on the other side of Glory’s portal, Spike and the other characters will have to confront a world where those myths have been left behind.

part 4: “But I can’t fool myself. Or Spike, for some reason.”: Buffy and Spike as a blended self

#romanticism series #s5 #gen #buffy #spike #this section is deliberately focused on spike's arc #but not to worry #the next one focuses on buffy's side of things and the role of spike's arc in supporting buffy's in the last three seasons #they just needed their own sections to breathe #btvs

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demonslayedher · 3 years

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Hello! I don't know if you've been asked about this before but I love your analysis and reflections and I'd love to know all your thoughts about Zennezu if you don't mind 👀⚡🎀 Thanks so much for this blog!! 😊💝

Thank you again for your patience, as well as your comments on my fics and stuff in the meantime (even on Bird Fic, kya~ thank you <3). All my thoughts, hmmmmn…. Well, clearly I am a fluffy ZenNezu shipper and ship-content creator now, but I sure didn’t start that way. This may be long and rambling and mixed between analysis and personal taste. (Actually, it turned into almost 4000 words.)

So. First a little background. I usually am not much of a shipper. The very few OTPs I have all ended in horrific tragedy, and when romance is a big focus of something I’m otherwise enjoying I usually end up not paying much attention to it in favor of all the other elements I like. This is so much more the case when you can tell they’re going to wind up happily ever after. So what happened to make me so soft and fuzzy about the Kimetsu ships, when I otherwise usually don’t have an appetite for happy fluffy romantic endings?

Three major factors: 1. I’m obsessed. 2. I love these characters and want to see anything and everything about them. 3. Romance wasn’t actually a big element at all in canon, so it left me with an appetite and curiosity for it.

Even though I figured from long ago that ZenNezu would be end game, initially I was somewhere between indifferent and put-off. As much as I love Zenitsu, and I acknowledge that Ufotable the added the “run around and chase Nezuko” bit and removed the part with Zenitsu adoringly talking to Nezuko through her box, and as much as he can be defended for being lonely rather a pervert, the fact still stands that his level of appreciation for girls makes the characters around him uncomfortable. His most cringe-worthy lines at the Butterfly Mansion are all straight from the manga, and even though he was easily one of my favorite characters by the end of my initial watch of the series, I was very put off by his “girls are all queens” surface-level comments and more disturbing pleasure he took in the presence of girls (especially when he could physically interact with them), not to mention his pathetic introduction bothering a complete stranger and displaying that he doesn’t actually take girls’ feelings into consideration.

All this made me inwardly groan, feeling bad for Nezuko, figuring they were going to wind up together because she’s a saint who can find the patience to deal with someone like that, as he clearly wasn’t going to be desirable to any of the rest of the female cast. Enjoying the series well enough despite this, it didn’t bother me terribly much, pairings happen, whatever, I have a history of ignoring them. But one day, well and deep into caring about this whole cast like they’re all my children, I realized something. Isn’t… isn’t it cute how they both get their strength from taking naps? W-wouldn’t it be cute to see them innocently take naps together? Naps to protect each other? Oh. Oh-h-h-h-h. Oh dear. Oh no, it’s cute. Oh no. OH NO.

And that was how my warming up to this pairing started, it very quickly grew into “I love these children and I want them to be happy, being with Nezuko will make Zenitsu very, very happy, I love seeing him happy, happy Zenitsu” but was still a little reserved about Nezuko. Zenitsu was going to make her happy, right? It wasn’t just going to be a case of Nezuko having gotten fond of him over the course of everything they’ve been though, he is actually going to be her taste and make her heart go “kyun” right? Oh Nezuko, oh saintly Nezuko…

Let’s take a moment to pause here and think chronologically, though, as well as analyze their personalities and tastes. Neither of them are particularly picky, we can start there. Aside from fussy busy-bodies like Aoi, as long as it’s a girl, any girl is Zenitsu’s type. He’s desperate, and he’s painted the whole of girl-kind in pretty similar, not always realistic rosy colors. Even though he’s been used and abused by so many girls in his past, it’s his desire to believe that each new one he meets will fit that rosy imaginary color he paints over them that he chooses to let himself be duped, because he really is that lonely. I’ll give him that, sure, he’s a healthy young man with an interest in physical touch, but his dream in Mugen Ressha gives a good indication of what he’s really looking for: companionship, someone who likes spending time with him, someone who will find him useful and believe in him and look to him for protection, someone who likes him enough to spare him the physical intimacy of simply holding his hand. This is all an extension of what Zenitsu desires as whole, hoping he can better himself enough to be reliable and valued in general. Picturing it in the form of a significant other is one very vivid way to focus all those feelings, resulting in that rosy ideal which Zenitsu probably knows in his heart of hearts is too good to be true. That’s why he probably doesn’t think he’s ever going to find it, and therefore why he’s all over any slightest chance of attaining it.

My gosh, if being abandoned over and over isn’t enough, the fact that none of the girls he dated in the past were ever willing to even hold his hand hurts so much.

Nezuko, though, grew up in a secure family with a good relationship to observe between her parents. She probably always envisioned growing up to be like her mother, the quintessential “good wife, wise mother” (a phrase coined later on in the Taisho period to idealize the traditional roles of a woman). She cooks and cleans and sews and the first fanbook even tells us she was good at using an abacus, so she can handle family finances like a pro. Her traditional values probably made her tastes pretty standard, hoping for a reliable protector, but also someone who might be as kind as her father and her brother. But as for what makes her heart go doki-doki? The extra comic at the end of volume 3 tells us that she does long since have a type, it’s a person who’s like a Hisha.

Hisha: a chess/Shougi piece that can move an unlimited number of spaces in horizontal and vertical directions, and is crowned a dragon when it enters enemy territory.

So, yes, this is the part where we all smile and point at Gotouge and say, “I see what you did there, Wani-sensei.”

I find this reassuring; it tells me that Nezuko can find her heart squeezed at how cool Zenitsu is instead of just coming around and liking him because she was flattered by his affection and learned to see how nice he is and stuff. There are plenty of nice Demon Slayers who are strong and cool protectors, but that ZING that Zenitsu has (when he’s asleep) is something that can make her heart race. I’m all for this. I hinge so much of my ZenNezu feelings on this Hisha comment.

The second fanbook states that Nezuko initially had trouble sorting out her memories, and because Zenitsu gave her two such different impressions, it felt like memories of two different people, but over time the memories overlapped to form one complete person. We could say that she and Zenitsu had two first meetings.

Initially, when she was in the box, her little demon heart did go doki-doki; it was the first time a boy besides her brother had protected her, so even though Oniichan is Number One in her heart for the general duration of canon, this encounter was sure to leave a flattering impression. However, when they met face to face that night, he was just some confusing dandelion yelling and screaming about weird stuff, and then he was just a confusing (and possible bothersome) dandelion wanting to hang around her and give her flowers and stuff. It’s anyone’s guess just how “there” Nezuko was at this stage, as she does seem to gain back more of her own will and thought processes over the course of the series, rather than being guided by very, very simple rules to govern her behavior.

Zenitsu feel in love at first sight, and the second fanbook tells us he asked Tanjiro about her human personality, seeing as she wasn’t fully there. He was initially doubtful that anyone so perfect as Nezuko could exist and figured Tanjiro must had been biased and therefore exaggerating, but can we blame Zenitsu for being a smidge guarded? He’s been let down a lot, after all.

We know from Taisho Secrets and side novels that Zenitsu spent a lot of time with Nezuko during their long recovery at the Butterfly Mansion. Even how much more thought we see Nezuko display in the Train arc, she probably underwent a lot of mental development in this time, and my guess is that due to how much he interacted with her, this is probably when Zenitsu went from being a strange dandelion to a strange companion. She probably focused more on the goldfish and the pretty flowers (which he did take her to see!) and any flattering mention of her brother, though. Zenitsu, I’m relieved to say, seemed to genuinely care about what would make Nezuko happy instead of selfishly assuming something like “she likes me too, she wants to marry me.” But knowing Zenitsu, he probably assumed that her willingness to spend time with him was an indication of being willing to talk marriage once she was more herself again, though.

Let’s pause here and put on our Oniichan goggles, though. Early on, Tanjiro has to insist to just about everyone that Nezuko is still her own person with her own thoughts and feelings. Being a demon has taken a lot of her freedom to act on her true nature away from her, but he knows she’s still in there and he treats her like an equal human being. He had to watch over and over as people see his sister and only think, “demon.”

And then there’s his friend Zenitsu, who looks at her and thinks, “girl. Girl! Girl. Girl. Sweet girl, adorable girl, best girl in the world.” And maybe that’s a little bothersome, but yes, someone gets it!! Someone understands! Even though Tanjiro’s initial concerns are keeping Nezuko from being bothered by unwelcome advances, as long as Zenitsu is willing to respect that Nezuko is not entirely able to speak for herself now, he seems pretty approving of Zenitsu (provided Nezuko decides she likes him back). I’d like to think there was an unspoken promise between bros on what boundaries to follow. Besides that, Tanjiro believes in Zenitsu a lot more than Zenitsu believes in himself, so Tanjiro probably wasn’t worried about the “strong protector” role a future husband should fulfil. Or at least, Tanjiro doesn’t seem concerned once he gets to know Zenitsu, he’d have rejected Zenitsu flat-out on that first meeting. Zenitsu, you are so lucky Tanjiro is so forgiving.

However, for as much as Zenitsu sees Nezuko as “GIRL!! Girl, girl, girl!”, he’s still got his rosy vision that conveniently clouds out any disturbing realities. She is, after all, a demon.

This is something Zenitsu never actually had the chance to struggle with, and I would have really liked to see him challenged by that reality a bit more. He never witnessed Nezuko’s berserker mode, nor did he ever see her struggle to keep from eating someone, he wasn’t even awake to watch her fight like a violent animal/angry toddler on the train. Had there been a scene of Zenitsu forced to face how terrifying she had potential to be, it would had really sold his commitment to Nezuko specifically, instead of only Nezuko as his most likely girlfriend candidate.

On the train, Nezuko has the good fortune of seeing another side of Zenitsu, getting one hell of a doki-doki moment. As she’s gaining more self-awareness back, it probably made those doki-dokis more complex too. While I understand there wasn’t a good opportunity to fit in the pace of the story, I love that Taisho Secret of her concerned about him before he wakes up. Instead of him just being that boy who shows her pretty things and says nice things about her Oniichan, this is when he starts becoming something a little more unique among all the people whom little demon Nezuko has bet and who have been nice to her.

In the months that follow, we don’t get much deviation from this slow development. Zenitsu’s feelings toward Nezuko don’t really change at all, but there’s another thing about this ship: neither one chose the other over anybody else. They sort of just came together, Zenitsu gets hooked on one girl at a time, but what if someone had come along with an interest in him? At what point would he had given up on Nezuko? Probably pretty quickly, if someone was serious enough about him. It wouldn’t have been a break up either, since he was still in the pursuing stages (might be more of a break-up conversation with Tanjiro, who had been tacitly supportive).

Actually, for most of the remainder of the series, the affection that Nezuko and Zenitsu build for each other is done when they’re apart, dwelling on their thoughts of each other. For Nezuko, we see this come out after the Swordsmith Village arc in her sunlit elation to see him again, and her efforts to greet him. She very clearly recognizes him and is happy to see him, a big difference compared to how she was more elated by the sight of a fishbowl before. In Zenitsu’s case, this deepening of his affections and running away with his thoughts and feelings results him declaring once and for all, this is her. He’s found her. This is the girl who he will be committed to his whole life, in his heart she is already his wife.

When human!Nezuko is gaining her memories back, her first impressions are of the boy showing her pretty things and giving her flowers, someone who probably has a crush on her, rather than thinking back to someone who she may have had a crush on. (Those cool impressions probably hit her later, I’m assuming, given the stress of the moment.) Romance is not immediately on her mind, though she does quickly recall having friendly affection for this boy for has always been so sweet to her. And Nezuko, handling his surprising level of affection gracefully, helps Zenitsu off the battlefield while he’s in terrible pain (though she probably was too, my poor girl, that fight with demon!Tanjiro was so rough). But honestly, not only is she probably too overwhelmed by everything to think much about romance, but she probably doesn’t take Zenitsu very seriously initially. She knows he’s got a tendency to overexaggerate, and it’s nice that he’s so sweet to her, but since he acts all fluffy and silly around her she probably thinks he’s not being that serious either. Furthermore, she’s got a lot of people to suddenly care about, Zenitsu has a lot to contend with for trying to get special attention. Hell, Zenitsu was probably awake and causing a racket while she was frantic with worry that comatose Giyuu might die. While she did remake Jiichan’s haori to fit Zenitsu’s later, see spent her time in the hospital mending Giyuu’s haori (Nezuko, baby, doesn’t your hand hurt though!?). While Zenitsu was swept up in happy “Nezuko is human now, we’re totally gonna get married” feels, he probably didn’t even notice that he was only one slice in a very big pie of memories that Nezuko suddenly found in her lap and had to slowly chew and digest.

So… this brings us to the extra post-canon comic in the second fanbook, which I initially did not like very much back when it came out in February. I’ve come around a lot to it, but what really hit me at first was “oh no, Nezuko really is only going to accept this marriage because she’s a saint, he’s not being desirable at all.”

But, treating it with a little more patience and sympathy for Zenitsu… he’s just gotten what he’s always wanted, of course he’s going to stop striving a bit and get blissfully carried away in it. And Nezuko, the ever sweet, isn’t going to stop him.

Some of the other commentary in the fanbook states that Zenitsu, for a time, found himself terrified of how girls could be sweet to his face while hiding their true thoughts about him. But, finding that Nezuko was not at all two-faced, he nearly “died and went to heaven” as the exaggeration goes. He doesn’t like to work hard in the first place (but does, because it will make people like Jiichan proud), so getting away with being spoiled is too big of a temptation to resist. Nezuko is sensitive to what makes the people around her happy or uncomfortable, so she never makes any request of Zenitsu. She’s so grateful to have their new little family that her happiness is everyone else’s happiness, she doesn’t really desire a heartthrob romance, even if being a wife and mother is an eventual goal. And, without being under any pressure to make someone proud, Zenitsu gets swept away and indulges.

Thank you, Tanjiro, for putting a stop to this.

He’s still rooting for Zenitsu, since this is his friend and he knows it would make his friend happy to wind up with Nezuko, but he’s setting himself up for failure, or setting Nezuko up to be cheated out on a good match at this rate (if she were to accept out of being nice). Very, very thankfully, Zenitsu responds well to pressure. By this point Nezuko has gotten so used to sweet but indulgent Zenitsu that he seems she totally accepted that his Hisha side didn’t exist anymore, if it even existed in the first place.

Good for Zenitsu asking for her response a year later (when they’d be getting to the legal marriage ages for the Taisho period anyway), he knew he still had shaping up to do to earn her affection. And Nezuko probably needed time to build some admiration for him again, since the doki-dokis were so gone. Even if he couldn’t use that super cool Thunder Breath anymore, it would probably catch her attention to see him strive again, to put effort into being manly, specifically for her. It wasn’t just the Thunder Breath that gave her doki-dokis, it was the Hisha knight-like attitude too, whether asleep and acting on his inner potential, or awake and bravely defending her based on his own goodness and faith.

I hope that in their married life, Zenitsu will retain that sort of manliness in being a provider for her, even he does get indulged a lot at home.

Now for how this plays into some of my fanwork and headcanons:

You know how I said all my OTPs were tragedies? Yeah, I love a good dose of angst. I did start writing a single-scene fic one time of injured Zenitsu desperately trying to cover Nezuko from the sun while waiting for Tanjiro to find them, and in Nezuko’s panic about the sun she starts losing her self-control over her appetite, and Zenitsu is forced to confront that the girl he loves could very easily kill him. I never finished it, though, and it was embarrassingly self-indulgent.

For my big favorite AU of a monster fanfic, I did add more ZenNezu on the massive edit, because by this point I just enjoy ZenNezu so much that I wanted more of it. But!! What I really like about working with it in this fic is that there’s a conflict: Demon!Tanjiro. In this canon divergence, Human!Nezuko and Zenitsu get to interact more than they ever did while she was a demon, and they both already have affection for each other, but the lingering fact that Tanjiro is technically their enemy gives me some tension and angst to work with.

Yes, I wrote a One Shot of Zenitsu and Nezuko as fresh new parents, but it was a bit of a dark dive into Zenitsu’s feelings of inadequacy. But domesticity comes with some inevitable fluff anyway, and likewise it felt embarrassing indulgent, and I can’t write fluff without a little bittersweetness. M…maybe the reason I’m not a shipper is because I’m easily flustered???

I’d like to think that Zenitsu got a desk job that he worked hard at because he wants to be a provider, and Nezuko does find his hard work attractive. I headcanon it was at an electric company, because hahahaha, electricity. I’d like to think he had a long career in that company (and although his colleagues know him for having a bit of an extreme personality and being obsessed with his wife, they sometimes catch glimpses of a very, very strong side of Zenitsu—like, scarily strong), and that when he’s old and retired in the Postwar Economic Miracle, he buys a fancy camera to take pictures of Nezuko (instead of “say cheese” it’s “Thunderclap and Flash!”), and he takes Nezuko to Paris because that’s the romantic thing to do. Also, I don’t like moustaches as a rule, but I totally approve of old man Zenitsu having a fluffy moustache.

World War Two, though… I’d like to think that if his job had him in the city, he was extremely reliable when it came to protecting his family in case of bombing. I’d also like to think that this was when the Kamado family moved to the city, because Nezuko was worried about Kanao and her nieces and nephews, so Zenitsu made sure they were all together. Inosuke might had taken the opposite route and taken his family to the mountains to shelter out there in the wild.

AAAAHHHH, listen to me being so self-indulgent with headcanons, I pride myself on sticking close to canon in my fanwork, I will never produce this, AAAAHHHH, I’m embarrassed~~~~I---I’m not a shipper! No! I don’t have a shipper’s bone in my body! Who needs romance, it means nothing to me, I don’t get swept up in happy fantasies about young newlywed Zenitsu and Nezuko, really I don’t, I take what canon gives me and I stick with it, I’m here for bromance and comradery and fights to the death, I—I don’t need disgusting fluffy feelings, ew, ew, no, really-----ahhh, too flustered, too flustered, too flustered, no, no, no, no, no, no, WHEN DID I BECOME A SHIPPER, nnnnnnnnhhhhjjjj

Which is all to say that Zenitsu and Nezuko as a pairing really grew on me, even though it is essentially a fluffy happy pairing that only got surface-level interaction and was never seriously challenged. It’s got some shadows lurking in there, especially diving into Zenitsu’s heart, but in general this was a slow build-up of mutual affection between two characters with pretty simple desires of their own, and most of all, a desire to see each other happy. That makes it a good comfort ship.

And they’re both are sleepyheads, hNNNGGGHHHhhhhHHHHHHHHHHH

#4000 words over the course of which I slowly begin to lose my cool #Zennezu #Zenitsu x Nezuko #Agatsuma Zenitsu #Kamado Nezuko #Kimetsu no Yaiba #kny #demon slayer #KnY Fandom Theories and Meta

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elizabeethan · 3 years

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Watch the Sunlight Fade: 8 / 17

Emma Swan finds out that her boyfriend has been hiding something from her: he’s in a gang and trying to get out. Reluctantly, she decides to support him, sticking it out with him until they have enough money to flee to Florida. All she has to do is wait and ignore that feeling in her gut that something is seriously wrong. With the help of a kind and handsome stranger, she just might make it out alive.

Or, alternate summary: I’m horrible at summaries, please just read it.

Something of a cross between a What Still Remains AU and a Sons of Anarchy AU.

A/N: Things might be starting to come together this week! Let me know your predictions.

This chapter talks extremely briefly and ambiguously of Emma not exactly wanting to have sex with Neal. Also, there is a discussion of Killian’s semi-violent past. Nothing is detailed, but let me know if you need more information or anything!!

Rated M

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~~~~

The days turn into weeks, although Emma can’t help but feel as though time is dragging her along mercilessly. Nothing has changed since she found out about Neal, how he’s the brother of the leader of The Lost Boys. Nothing, aside from her feelings of safety and security, of confidence in her relationship, being completely shattered.

Every night, she fights off the desperation to walk across the hall and join Killian in his bed, letting his strong arms consume her and blanket her with a sense of ease and contentment. Every night, she fights with herself as she crawls into bed with Neal, a man she thought she loved, and forces herself to put on an act of affection towards him. She forces herself to lie back and accept his convoluted attempts at showing her that he loves her, knowing that he couldn’t possibly. If he loved her, he would never have lied to her. If he loves her, he would let her go.

She also fights with herself through the anger she feels, directed inward rather than at anyone else. Sure, she’s mad at Neal for what he’s done, what he’s putting her through, but at the end of the day, she’s the fool to let herself be put in this position. It’s her fault. She should have seen through his lies from the moment she met him, but she was too desperate for love and family and acceptance. He knew that, too, and he exploited her weaknesses like she meant nothing to him.

It drives her mad to not know what he’s after. She’s hardly the most skilled person at finding people who don’t want to be found, so why he feels the need to target her specifically, she can’t say. It could be argued that, in some perplexing, psychotic way, he thinks he loves her, but she knows now that this isn’t love. It can’t be.

Lying at his side, wide awake through her inability to sleep, she can’t seem to shut her mind off. Each time she closes her eyes, she feels terror at the memories burned behind her lids. Every time she closes her eyes, she sees Neal on top of her, despite her resolve to squeeze her eyes shut each time he decides he wants to be with her. Usually, she’s able to go to another place, letting thoughts of the beach or her happy future serve as a distraction of her fear, but sometimes she can’t ignore the feeling of his rough fingertips burning her skin.

Sometimes, when she’s in Neal’s arms and struggling to get past the feelings that come along with being with him, she thinks of Killian. Not necessarily in a way of longing for him-- not because she wishes she was with him instead, although she can only assume it would be more pleasurable-- but because of the comfort that he always brings her. Being with him is like being embraced by warmth and safety itself. It’s like the rest of the world turns off, and all that’s on her mind is the soothing way his arms wrap around her and the gentle rise and fall of his chest against her cheek. She doesn’t have to worry when she’s with him. She only has to think about how good it feels to be in his arms.

And she’s noticed his physique, too. It would be difficult not to. She noticed that first night, when he lifted his sweatshirt off and pulled his t-shirt up with it. She noticed the other day when he visited her in her cave of an office, leaning his shoulder against the door frame with his arms crossed, muscles bulging out of his sleeves and a tempting smirk coloring his lips as he teased her over the dinosaur of a computer she was working on. She notices the way he looks with almost everything he does, and she knows it's a dangerous game that she’s playing.

It’s not like she never found Neal attractive. But knowing what she knows now, she can’t help but to feel slightly nauseated every time she sees his face. She’s got to get out of this.

~~~~

“Since you did such a good job with the last one, I have another little task for you,” Peter says, his voice teasing and his smirk unsettling.

Emma works hard to maintain her composure as she sits straight up in her seat, one she was finally awarded after weeks of standing awkwardly before the group sat at the table. Today, when she walked into the daunting conference room, Peter invited her to sit beside him, beside Neal, and has been leaning towards her in a way that she knows is meant to appear polite, but holds a threatening undertone.

“Okay,” she agrees, trying to make her voice sound confident and fighting off the fear that never seems to go away.

He turns from her to Neal and remarks, “she really has begun to come into her own, hasn’t she?”

“I guess,” he shrugs, and a part of her feels offended at his nonchalance. Despite her strong desire to be anywhere but here, she thinks she’s done a pretty nice job of trying to fit in. Ever since Gold spilled the beans a few weeks ago about Neal’s status in the club, she’s held it together fairly well on the outside, with the exception of her initial breakdown.

There’s only one person she truly feels comfortable breaking down in front of. Only one person who she really trusts.

She hasn’t told Neal that she's found out his true identity. She and Killian have talked about it at length, sometimes able to spend time alone together especially when Neal leaves, and they’ve agreed that it’s for the best to keep her discovery under wraps. Gold’s subtle drop that Neal is his son and brother to Peter was purposeful, and she can’t let him come out on top. She knows, she’s terrified, but she’ll maintain her composure. For whatever reason, Neal doesn’t want her to know, so she’ll keep playing dumb.

“Who do you want me to find?” she asks, wanting nothing more than to prevent Neal from saying anything else casually offensive. His small digs at her serve a purpose, she now knows; to bring her down as far and as quietly as he can.

“This one may be a bit more of a challenge; a member from a rival gang. While Graham was more of a nomad, this man has ties to the Kings of Elsinore and is better protected. I want you to find out everything you can on him.”

“Okay,” she nods assuredly. “Well, I'll take whatever you have on him and get to work, then.”

Before she can move from her seat, Peter’s hand is on her wrist, oppressively holding her still. “Not so fast. There’s someone I’d like you to officially meet. Call in Hook.”

A man Neal knows, Walsh, she thinks, stands from his chair and walks towards the door, summoning someone inside. She has to stop her jaw from hitting the floor when she sees who.

“You two seem to have met casually, but I’d like you to officially meet Killian Jones. He’s gotten himself into a touch of trouble and, as punishment, will be helping you with whatever you need until this man is located.”

She gulps, anxiety setting in again despite how hard she’s been trying to keep it at bay. She promised herself she would be strong, refusing to let them get to her, to let them see her squirm. She will keep her promise to herself. “Okay,” she murmurs, forcing herself to peel her gaze from Killian’s. She can’t help but wonder what he’s done to get into trouble with Peter. She selfishly hopes they weren’t caught without her knowledge.

~~~~

“What happened?” she begs desperately once the door to her small office is shut, Killian ushering her into the room before practically slamming it. “What are you in trouble for? Killian, please tell me they don’t--”

“Nothing like that,” he hisses, stepping towards her. With a soft, gentle voice only just above a whisper, he says, “love, you have to stay calm. You did phenomenally pretending we don’t know each other well, but we have to keep up the ruse.”

“Sorry,” she whispers. “I know, I just… what happened?”

“Nothing, love, I promise. I only refused to go on a trip with them last week and Peter feared I wasn’t dedicated to the club’s cause.”

“You did?” she asks in surprise. When Neal told her that he wasn’t dedicated, she forced herself to believe him. When Killian says it, she doesn't even consider doubting him.

“Aye. Told them I had pressing matters to attend to.”

She cocks her head suspiciously and asks, “what were the pressing matters?”

“The Mummy Returns was on TV, remember? We watched it together.”

She can’t help the smile that breaks across her face, a snort escaping her throat despite her best efforts as she shakes her head and feels a blush creeping up her neck and pinkening her cheeks. “You’re dumb,” she says, and she feels like a child in a playground with a school crush.

“Well,” he shrugs, giving her a beaming smile. “Here, love. I’ve got the information we have so far. Time to start digging.”

A part of her almost wants to take her time, content to sit in the small office with Killian sitting beside her for quite some time. No one would suspect a thing, what with Peter already telling her that this guy would be harder to find; it’s the perfect excuse to soak in all of the comfort and happiness that Killian brings her despite her circumstances. But she knows they have to keep up appearances so as to avoid being caught in their elicit friendship, so she’ll work at a normal pace and hope no one notices that her smile is genuine rather than the forced one she gives Neal.

James Spencer is certainly a hard man to find. If she didn’t already know that he was linked to the Kings of Elsinore, she would be lost, as the man seems entirely enigmatic in nature. He seems like a ghost, her research pointing her absolutely nowhere, but Peter insists that he’s got ties to this rival club, despite her finding no evidence to support his claim.

She groans after a few hours, dropping her head to the desk as Killian continues to bounce a tennis ball off the wall in his boredom. It certainly is a punishment for him; the fact that he has to sit here and watch her find nothing is likely eating him alive. “It’s only been a few hours, love, you’ll find something soon,” he tries to console. Her frustration wins out, though.

“This is stupid.”

“Aye.”

“Are all of these stupid gangs this hard to navigate around?”

“Aye, I'd assume so. Although, I've never been a bounty hunter.”

She rolls her eyes, picking her head up and glaring. “I wasn’t a bounty hunter. I was a bail bondsperson.”

“That’s different?”

She holds her hands out, requesting the ball from him and catching it when he tosses it, only to throw it back at him with too much aggression. He yelps and laughs at her too loudly, and she can’t help but smile in response. She settles back into her chair after the short reprieve and sighs.

“How can I find someone who doesn’t want to be found if I know absolutely nothing about the environment he lives in?”

He hums in agreement, nodding and remarking, “you need an inside man.”

“No, I just need to know how a fucking motorcycle gang works,” she grumbles. It’s been a confusing few weeks, and she realizes that, while she’s gotten a few small bits of information, she still has no idea what the club’s actual purpose is. “Like… why even bother having one?”

He gives her a soft smile, standing from his chair and dragging it closer to her. “Are you sure that’s what this is about?”

“What?” she asks indignantly, giving him a look that she seriously hopes conveys how annoyed she is.

“Your little tantrum, love,” he teases. “Is it really about not knowing enough about how gangs work? Or is it, perhaps, more about your need to know everything about a situation in order to convince yourself that you’re safe?”

With another glare shot his way, she drops her jaw in surprise and shakes her head. “What the hell do you know?”

He smirks. “I know a lot more than you think. You’re a bit of an open book, love. And I’ve known you long enough now.”

“To what, psychoanalyze me?”

“I may have considered studying psychology, had I gone to university,” he laughs. “I know you’re scared, and I'm beginning to realize that not knowing what’s going to happen, or what’s happening without you knowing, is probably feeding that fear.”

With another heaving sigh, she drops her head back down, resting it on her arms and nodding. “You’re right,” she concedes, although part of her wishes he wasn’t. It’s true, though, being so in the dark about everything is making her feel weak.

His hand lands on her shoulder, staying there for a moment before he gently and slowly scratches his fingertips against her skin and pulls away. “I can tell you what I know, if that’ll help.”

She perks up, lifting her head and recalling a conversation from weeks ago in which he told her that his brother was an influential member of the club. “Yes,” she says, and why she didn’t think to ask earlier, she doesn’t know.

He gives her a nod and another one of his encouraging smiles, the one that always makes her heart skip a beat, and clears his throat. “What I know is that Neal is older, but Peter is in charge. From what I gather, and I was never privy to much, Neal went off on his own for a while and Peter took over everything. Gold’s always seemed a bit more… hesitant around Peter, but I almost suspect that he favors Neal. Either way, Peter was running things behind the scenes for quite some time before Neal left. When he came back, it was with you on his arm and with Peter happily leading, refusing to give up his spot. No one argued with him.”

She nods, but it doesn’t tell her much. She’s always known that Neal is more of a follower, happy to do whatever he can to impress his friends. The fact that he willingly gave up what seems to be his birthright doesn’t really surprise her.

“So what are they doing when they go away on their trips?”

“Usually seeking out merchandise. They deal in stolen goods, mostly watches and the like. Typically, a trip is a heist of some kind. A jewelry store, antique shop… sometimes even banks with safe deposit boxes.”

Emma looks down to her own wrist, Killian’s gaze following closely behind, and notes the watch she wears. The one that Neal gave her after one of his trips. She shudders and moves to take it off.

His hand stops her, looking into her eyes deeply and shaking his head. “Keep it,” he murmurs. “We can’t let them know that you know any of this.”

“Why?” she asks in a whisper. “Why is it so bad if I know?”

“I don’t know,” he shakes his head again. “But if Neal hasn’t told you, there’s a reason for it.”

She nods in understanding, letting her heart rate slow as his hand remains on her wrist, moving down to the top of her hand. She wants to wrap her fingers around his, but she knows she shouldn’t. “Can I ask something about you?”

“Of course.”

“Why do they call you Hook?”

His eyes drop from hers, glancing down at their joined hands, and she watches his brows knit together tightly. She feels his grip on her hand tighten, and despite both of them knowing it’s a bad idea, his fingers weave with hers and he squeezes her hand. She squeezes back.

“There are things about my past that… that when I think about telling you, I become…” he sighs, unable to finish his thought.

“Killian,” she whispers, “I already know you’re in a gang. Can it really be that bad?”

“Aye,” he answers immediately, his eyes meeting her own in a desperate attempt to convey to her something she can’t quite read. “I’m not… a good man.”

“Of course you are.”

“No. Maybe I’ve never thrown knives at a woman I’m supposed to love, but I’ve certainly… I mean…”

“Killian.” Her grip on his hand, the one she should release, tightens. “Whatever happened… you’re not that person. You’re good. I know bad people and I pegged you as good the second I saw you.”

It’s as if he can’t meet her gaze, too ashamed of whatever it is that he’s done. Too fearful of what will happen if she finds out. He witnessed her finding out that Neal has been lying to her, and she wonders if he fears a similar response now.

“I don’t-- it’s silly,” he laughs. “I just… I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“You can’t,” she whispers. After everything he’s done for her, everything he plans to do for her, he could never disappoint her.

He sighs, squeezing her hand once more before turning it over in his and drawing a line across her palm. “I was a-- an angry lad growing up. My father abandoned us, my mother died. I found myself seeking release. Ways to get my anger out. I was never taught anything productive.”

She stays quiet, letting him open up to her on his own terms and distract himself by tracing the lines in her palms. “I came here at fifteen. Gold recruited me for… well, to put my anger to good use, in his eyes. He used me-- he’s always been good at picking out someone’s weakness and exploiting it. Whenever he needed information out of someone, he would bring me along and I would…” he sighs again, taking a deep and grounding breath. “I had a favorite weapon,” he mumbles.

With a nod, she tries to stay calm, tries not to let fear overtake her. She was fearful of Neal when he held the knives and smirked at her, and of Peter when he pressed the tip of the blade to his finger and smiled. But when she presses her hand to Killian’s cheek and makes him look up at her, she feels no fear. She sees only truth and regret and a longing to be a different person.

“It was a hook?” she asks for clarification, but she can see the answer in his eyes.

“From Gold’s boat,” he croaks. “That’s usually where we would take… the people we were interrogating. But, Emma, it’s been years. Liam found out and put an end to it. I think that’s--”

“What?” she asks gently as he cuts himself off, shaking his head painfully.

“I think that’s when things started going poorly for him.”

He’s done so much for her. He’s soothed every ounce of pain she’s felt since she got here, since Neal sliced her cheek and he touched it tenderly. He held her together as she cried harder than she ever had before. He’s vowed to see her out of this danger despite the predicament it puts him in. And still, she feels powerless to help him. He’s sitting before her, broken and in anguish, and she can’t heal him like he has her.

All she can do is take his cheeks in her hands and promise him, “that was not your fault.”

“Emma,” he breathes, his eyes pleading with her, for what, she isn’t sure. “He… he kept insisting I stay out of it. He kept holding me back, refusing to let me go, putting up a fight… I think they got tired of it, eventually. Of someone constantly questioning them and going against their word. He’d still be here if I hadn’t--”

“No. You had no hand in what happened to Liam. And when this is all over, you’re gonna be able to leave too.”

It’s bold of her to assume that it’s something he wants. He’s told her plenty of times that he wants to help her escape, but he’s never mentioned a desire to leave himself. It’s bold of her to assume that that’s in his best interest. But when she looks at the sadness and regret in his eyes, a part of her knows that it must be.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs after a moment of silence, and she lets him cast his gaze downwards again. “I should have--”

“It’s okay, Killian. The things you’ve done in the past don’t reflect who you are now.”

“Of course they do,” he nearly spits, clearly angry with himself as he pulls away and throws his head back. “I was a monster then. How can you not think of me as a monster now? I’m no better than Neal or Peter.”

“Don’t say that. Peter would probably do something like that now if he wanted to. Would you?” She lets her voice rise just the slightest amount, feeling more intensity than before and finding it necessary to convey to him that she doesn’t see him as a monster.

“Of course not.”

“And Neal… don’t even get me started. He nearly pulled his gun on me last week because I asked him where he was going. Would you do that?”

“Emma,” he says softly, finally looking at her once more, and she knows what he’s thinking. She knows he wants her out of his apartment; out of his life.

“You’re not a bad person,” she whispers, leaning closer to him just as he sits forward again, and they’re so close that she can feel his breath warming her nose. “I know bad people. You don’t qualify.”

He nods, his eyes deep and soulful as they bore into hers, and says, “I want to be a good person for you.”

No one has ever spoken to her like this. No one has ever expressed such a definitive desire to be worthy of her. No one has ever been so close to her and not made her instinctively want to pull away. And when she sees his eyes fluttering shut, his lashes touching his cheeks and casting long shadows in the dingy light, she wants to lean closer.

She almost does, too, is tempted to close her eyes like he has and touch her lips to his, but there's a swift knock on the door and they spring apart so quickly that she kicks his shin, causing him to bend and silently groan. She cringes in apology as she jiggles the mouse to her computer, begging it to wake up before the knocker enters the room.

“Any luck?” Gold asks as he pokes his head in.

“None so far,” Killian answers easily, his persona shifting effortlessly and maintaining their cover. “Swan’s searching high and low, but we don’t know much about Spencer’s tactics yet.”

“And Hook’s been a help to you, Miss Swan?”

“Yes,” she smiles, fighting the urge to lunge out of her chair and wring his neck for the name he’s given Killian and his insistence to still use it despite his obvious discomfort.

“It’s clear already that you have the club’s future in mind; I'm sure you’ll find something soon enough.”

She nods, staring as he walks away and cocking her head in confusion. “So weird,” she says softly once he’s gone, trying to remain quiet as he’d left the door ajar.

“What?”

“That’s the second time he’s mentioned the club’s future, specifically. What does me finding this James Spencer have to do with the future of the club?”

His response is a shake of his head, a slight roll to his eyes before he stills suddenly. His eyes widen as he looks down, then his brows knit together in thought, and she can clearly see the cogs turning in his mind. It’s like she’s watching him have an epiphany in real time. He looks up at her once, urgently, then he snaps out of it as if he’s remembering where he is, his demeanor shifting entirely as he smiles. “I’m not sure. The old man never makes any sense.”

“Killian…?”

“I’m sure it’s nothing, love. We’ll just keep working on finding Spencer, alright? There’s no need to worry.”

For a brief second, she feels distrustful of him. It’s reminiscent of when Neal tells her not to worry about things that she couldn’t possibly understand. It’s like he knows something, but he doesn’t think she's capable of handling the truth of whatever it is. For a brief, fleeting second, she doubts him.

But she can’t let herself think like that. Neal lies to her to protect himself. Killian has been nothing but honest with her, wanting nothing but her safety. Truthfully, if whatever he’s discovered is bad enough that he doesn’t want to tell her about it, she isn’t sure she wants to know.

~~~~

Tagging: @courtorderedcake @kmomof4 @stahlop @klynn-stormz @laschatzi @emelizabeth88 @lfh1226-linda @kday426 @elisethewritingbeast @timeless-love-story @captain-emmajones @gingerpolyglot @ebcaver @ilovemesomekillianjones @teamhook @superchocovian @itsfabianadocarmo @tiganasummertree @gingerchangeling @jrob64 @onceratheart18 @xhookswenchx @winterbaby89 @swampmedusa @ultraluckycatnd @dancingnancyy @love-with-you-i-have-everything @shireness-says @snowbellewells @hollyethecurious @ouatpost @daxx04 @the-darkdragonfly @donteattheappleshook @therooksshiningknight @eeteeaytay @xsajx @itsfridaysomewhere @alexa-fangirl-forever @jonesfandomfanatic @wefoundloveunderthelight @qualitycoffeethings @rapunzelsghosts @spaceconveyor @badcats-andmice @batana54 @sailtoafarawayland @deckerstarblanche @zaharadessert @xarandomdreamx @hookedmom @pirateprincessofpizza

#Watch the Sunlight Fade #Captain swan fanfic #cs ff #sunlight ff #captain swan angst #captain swan fluff #emotional hurt/comfort #tw

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tllthesundies · 3 years

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ris requested harry's pov in the entertainment for harry's confession, so, here it is!

Harry bangs on Louis' door.

On the drive over, all he could think about was the last few weeks of hell he's been in without Louis by his side. All he could think about is the anger he's held in himself at the fact that as soon as Louis decided to leave him, everything went straight downhill. The biggest problem was the media finding out where he lives; that image lives in his mind forever; it haunts his dreams: Harry opening the door to find tens of paparazzi crowded at his door, camera lights flashing in his face burning his vision, while other cameras were rolling footage to get his reaction and confession. After the shock and disbelief wore off, he called Liam, hysterical, crying and shaking, because the one thing he had vowed to protect was a crushed, vacant dream now. He didn't know who could have tipped them off, and he still doesn't know. He only has a couple of true friends in the industry that know, but they would never betray him.

Everyone else is simply an acquaintance.

But Harry's angry. He's been done crying, and thinking, and feeling. He's just angry now.

The door opens several moments later, after Harry's banged on it countless times with his fist. He tries calming his fueled fingers by curling them and putting it in his leather jacket's pocket; but when his eyes land on Louis's timid, shy appearance–his sleepy, blue eyes–his silk pink lace matching pyjamas–his short, tousled hair–his heart begins stuttering, angry words catching in his throat and constricting his airflow.

Harry almost forgets what he's angry about.

But Louis looks taken aback, like the last thing he expected was Harry.

"Harry," he breathes.

You left me.

"You haven't called me," flies out of his mouth instead. He can't bear his feelings yet.

Harry catches the swallow Louis makes.

"No," Louis agrees gently. "But I called Liam."

"Fuck Liam," Harry spits. Fuck all the people Louis's contacted before him. He knows about the call. Liam called straight after his brief conversation with Louis and filled him in. It didn't make Harry feel any fucking better; it made him feel worse, how ucharacteristically cold he thought Louis was for acting this way. "Calling him doesn't matter to me. I left you messages. I left you voicemails. I just wanted one message from you. Was that so hard?"

Louis stays silent.

Harry takes a silent inhale of breath from deep within his chest, and just observes Louis's face.

"What did I do?"

"Nothing," Louis assures him, features twisting with genuine emotion. "You didn't do anything."

"That's not what Rachel told me," confesses Harry. "Inconsolable differences?"

He wants to scoff.

Louis's eyes bounce away for a brief moment as he quickly licks his bottom lip. "I just said that so she could have something. Why are you taking it so personal, anyway? It's not like you really wanted me there. You said it yourself. You should be happy that you can do everything by yourself now. That's what you wanted."

This sets Harry off.

This fuels his anger.

He takes his hand out of his pocket, fingers shaking with red. All the words that have been trapped in his mind for weeks come forward full force, crowding his fast and blurry mind with every scene he could ever imagine between them. "Do you want to know why I take it so personal?" He doesn't give Louis a chance. There are no more chances. "Because this person I hardly know comes into my life and decides to uproot it. He takes over my agenda, my schedule, my time. Me foolishly and selfishly thinking I could fight back, he surprises me by challenging me. He takes every hit with grace. He doesn't back down. And who, in spite of my narcissistic behaviour and obnoxious demands, is unconditionally kind and patient. He gives me the benefit of the doubt, even when I've proven time and time again that I don't deserve it."

And who, in spite of everything, Harry trusted. He hasn't trusted someone new in so many countless years that when he could first start feeling himself slip, he had to fight it. He didn't want to acknowledge it then, but he's willing to acknowledge it now: he didn't want to trust Louis.

But he couldn't help it.

He found himself slowly unraveling. He did his best to remain so hard and cold; he was set in his forever way of strictly business and a stubborn mindset that Rachel always got annoyed with him about; but then one day, he walked in on Louis ready to challenge him. He threw all the questions at him–did you set up my next photoshoot with Fendi? Did you e-mail Thomas about the re-scheduling? Did you decline the invitation to KISS's after-party event? Have you fed Dolly? Have you bathe her? Where's Finn? How's Maeve?

Louis didn't bat a single eye.

Yes; yes; yes; Dolly ate raw chicken and some vegetables; she's still in her robe–he pointed to Dolly in the spot next to himself, licking the one paw that wasn't covered by her robe–Finn's swimming in your bathtub; Maeve is sleeping by the rose bushes.

Then he finally looked at Harry, and gave him a gentle smile that filled his eyes.

He was one hundred percent unbothered, and entirely too prepared, and turned his attention back to his laptop right away to finish whatever task he had.

Harry couldn't say anything else.

Today, that translates into: I don't deserve you.

"Then," continues Harry, tone softening to something entirely indecipherable to his own ears, "I'm caught in between something feral and something soft. He gives me the courage to trust again. He consumes my thoughts. He consumes my whole being, to the point I can't sleep. But I don't know how to handle it, so, I spoil him with presents. But then he leaves me, and it's the worst thing I've ever felt."

It felt like a part of him was being torn apart piece by bloody piece.

Louis takes several steps back, slowly shaking his head as a brief look of devastation overcomes his face.

"Don't say that," he whispers.

But Harry's so desperate to make him understand. He has to say it. The fear is, if he doesn't, then he'll become a worse man; he'll become more of a mad man than he already is. The world can barely tolerate the Harry Styles he is today. What if he has to talk to the face of rejection and be cursed for the rest of his life–condemned to be without the most compassionate soul he's ever met?

The world isn't ready to meet that jaded version of Harry Styles.

"Why not?" he whispers in reply, following Louis forward.

Why can't he be allowed to deserve Louis? Why can't he be allowed to care for Louis in ways he could do far better than anybody else on this planet? Nobody could give him everything he wants like Harry could. My God, if Louis asked him to die for him, he's fucking crazy enough to try.

Louis blinks rapidly.

Harry sees the tears he's trying to hold back.

"Because," he gets out.

Harry won't take that as an answer. He can't accept it. Louis's given him no choice but to close the remaining space between them and grip the sides of his face in his hands. Louis's eyes widen slightly, clearly not expecting it, but he doesn't fight against Harry. And his face is so smooth; soft; it feels much smaller in Harry's hands than it looks, and there's a little pricked feeling against his palms from a freshly shaved face, but it doesn't bother Harry.

"You're not being honest with me," he accuses, keeping his eyes open and unblinking with Louis's. "Tell me the truth."

"I love you," Louis blurts hotly.

It's like he spits it out, out of exasperation for Harry.

And Harry's breath drops to his feet. His personality splits into two: the first part of him takes those words between his sharp teeth and bites it. He breaks those words; chews them; swallows them; he absorbs them into his soul and then spits them back out; the other side of him breathes those words through his nose like a past life's addiction; like fresh, spring morning air.

"Then you won't be mad if I do this."

He wastes no time rushing his lips to Louis's.

He wants to be desperate with his love, he wants to be rough and have his kiss translate his devotion. But the smaller part of his personality–the rational side–slows him. His lips, instead, brush against Louis's; they connect gently; and Harry guides Louis's precious lips quietly. It's electrocuting the deepest parts of him in slow motion, like Louis's soft lips are being zapped to each important part of him and imprinting themselves permanently.

Louis's now left his kiss of death for Harry to cherish forever. Even if this ever ends.

Harry parts when Louis does.

Louis's looks back and forth between Harry's eyes.

"I'm not," he finally says.

Harry's anger parts when he smiles at Louis's confession. He takes one hand up to twist his fingers in Louis's hair, then slide them carefully downwards, caressing Louis's face.

Harry kisses him again.

#drabbles

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linkspooky · 4 years

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Annie vs Mikasa: Round 2

They don’t actually fight, I just couldn’t think of a good title for this post. Annie and Mikasa are a set of foils. At times their similarities only serve to irritate one another. At other times, their differences are complementary. Just like Eren / Reiner, and Bertolt / Armin, Annie and Mikasa can become each other’s worst enemies and yet at the same time offer a unique understanding to one another. Here’s an analysis of their foiling as of the latest chapter.

1. Lost Girls

Mikasa and Annie have been opposing forces in the manga ever since Eren saw it fit to compare them. If you look at them from Eren’s point of view they’re incredibly, superficially (on the outside) similiar. Both of them are the only girls in a group of two boys. Both of them are the physically strongest member of their group, and also the most confident in themselves. Annie, just like Mikasa has the ability to quickly act, and she doesn’t hesitate like Bertolt and Reiner are prone to.

Eren is someone constantly fighting against his own weakness, and that’s what causes him to trip up and hesitate. He’s always battling against the idea that he’s mediocre, that he’s all talk, that he’s unable to be strong enough to make the grand promises he makes. As a person he feels lacking, inferior. He lacks the self confidence simply to act. Which is why he gravitates towards people like Mikasa and Annie who just ACT without hesitation. He wants the single-mindedness that Mikasa and Annie have, just by being the people they are, because Eren is riddled with self doubts. Annie and Mikasa both have the strength and self confidence that Eren wants, but they don’t really care about being strong.

Eren would love nothing more than to be able to shut his brain off and become a soldier the way Mikasa and Annie seem to be able to do so flawlessly, but neither of them really want to be this way. The reason that Annie and Mikasa are able to shut their brains off and just fight, is because they see themselves as having fought to survive their entire life, having lost everything else.

They are both girls fighting to survive and find love in a world that they no has absolutely no love for them. They’ve both lost their places in the world, and any and all connecction to the world (except for one person) and because of that they’ve become so desperate that fighting is all they can do.

I bring up the Eren comparison because Mikasa’s been shown to be jealous of Annie in the past whenever Eren gravitated toward Annie. I don’t think Eren had any kind of romantic interest in Annie, I think he just admired her. In a way since MIkasa and Annie are so similiar, Eren can see all of the parts of Mikasa he admires in Annie (her strength, her independence) but none of the parts of Mikasa he dislikes (her codependence, her habit of always following him around).

In the female type titan arc Annie and Mikasa are characters who are incredibly similiar on the outside, especially in the way that Eren perceives them, but we learn the difference between them in their actions.

Mikasa is loyal, Annie is not. And I don’t just mean that Mikasa is loyal to the scouting corps whereas Annie is a spy. I mean, even to their small group of friends Mikasa is someone who is fiercely protective of both Armin and Eren whereas Annie will always run away from Bertolt and Reiner to protect herself. Mikasa clings to Armin and Eren as her place in this world after having lost her original family, whereas Annie completely refuses to get close to Bertolt and Reiner in the same way.

There’s also a certain irony in the way Eren perceives Annie. I mean like I said, he gravitates towards Annie because it’s all Eren thinks he admires in a person, Mikasa’s strength, but without the part of Mikasa that always clings to him. Mikasa’s loyalty towards him has always bugged him but it’s also something that Eren has also always taken for granted because look how hard he freaks out when Annie turns out to have an agenda of her own. He practically begs, and begs her not to betray the scouting corps because he can’t handle the person betrayal.

Anyway this is how we are initially presented their characters, two people incredibly similiar on the outside, but Mikasa is loyal, and Annie disloyal. Of course this is deconstructed in later arcs but we gotta get out of Eren’s POV first.

2. Lost Girls, Found

I set up their foiling in the female type titan arc to show how it’s subverted this arc. A lot of ideas set up in the female type titan arc are now being inverted in the final arc. First we learn a little more about Annie, and how even her circumstances are incredibly similiar to Mikasa.

Mikasa lost her place in the world when her family was killed. Annie never had a place. They are both girls who are incredibly unconnected to the world around them. Annie an orphan with Eldian blood, Mikasa an orphan with Ackerman blood, and the last remaining person of Asian descent inside the walls. They were also marked as different from the world around them because of their birth.

They both have an adopted family member they fixate on, because that person is their sole connection to the world around them. For Mikasa it’s Eren, and for Annie it’s her father. Mikasa’s goal is ultimately to protect Eren because by his side is her place of belonging in the world everything else comes second. Annie’s goal is ultimately to return home to her father because he is her place of belonging in the world and everything else comes second.

Both girls are incredibly, aware of the cruelty of life and how easily people can die and it can all be lost. A dead insect is used to symbolize the revelation in both cases, a dead beetle for Annie, a dead butterfly for Mikasa. For the both of them they also came to this revelation at an extremely young age.

This makes them even more desperate to protect their small place of belonging in the world. Which is why they have the same selfish habit. They will forget about everything else, and run off to protect that safe place when they are pushed against a wall. Mikasa will always drop everything to run after Eren, even if it leads her to doing soemthing stupid or disobeying orders from a superior. Annie will always follow her father’s words and protect herself because she doesn’t care about the mission or the outside world ultimately.

Annie says she’d trample over other people, Mikasa doesn’t listen to Levi and charges straight at the female type titan because it’s the shortest path to Annie. It’s the same behavior, the outside world stops existing to them. Mikasa and Annie both have a small and fragile world that consists of one person they’ve decided is their family. They’re scared of the world at large, because they think they have no place in it.

The story has been gradually challenging Mikasa again and again, to care about the world outside of Eren. It starts in Trost where Mikasa realizes she can’t let herself die just because Eren died because she wants to keep his memory alive. Hange tells her that she might lose the person most important to her in the world, but she has to keep moving forward with that loss.

Mikasa became the first to let go of Armin, when Eren didn’t give up on begging Levi to revive Armin, even though Mikasa had always been the most fiercely protective of their little group beforehand. Floch even points out, that Mikasa is the closest to maturing because she was out of the three of them the only one able to let go. I know Floch is wrong a lot, but Floch tends to talk in theme. I mean he’s not really a character in his own right, he just… talks about the themes of the story. He’s a mouth piece for the author to make obvious comments on the themes of the story, like when he goads Jean into just quietly accepting that the world might end outside of Paradis island. If Floch says something it’s probably a theme of the story.

Mikasa has been pushed over and over again to let go of the person that is her place of belonging in the world. The way she does this is one, realizing how Eren’s actions affect others and two, learning to move to protect people outside of Eren.

It’s Mikasa who calls out Eren for hurting children, and it’s Mikasa who moves to protect Gabi, even knowing that Gabi was the one who killed Sasha. Why? Because Mikasa herself is a lost girl. Because Mikasa knows what it’s like to lose everything as a child.

Mikasa wants to gain the strength to protect someone, because she knows what it’s like to lose everything and doesn’t really want to inflict that on someone else. However, it turns out she’s been protecting the wrong person all along. What’s she been doing then?

For both Mikasa and Annie their wish to have a family, and have some connection to the world isn’t selfish at all. In fact they can be incredibly soft and kind people to those they consider family. However, they have a tendency to tunnel vision and act selfishly when the chips are down. Mikasa enables the worst parts of Eren because she’s so codependent, and Annie is so independent she’s entirely forgotten about the world around her.

Mikasa is slowly learning what Annie already knows, her independence.

Mikasa has slowly been learning there are other things besides Eren that connect her to the outside world, whether it be her sympathies with children like Gabi and Falco who are so much like her and Eren, or her double heritage to both the Ackerman clan and her connection to Hizuru.

At the same time this latest chapter has been showing Annie the opposite. The personal connections to people that Mikasa has always clung so tightly to, and Annie has eschewed are what is slowly coming to matter more to Annie.

When Annie loses all hope, it’s her brief conversation to Armin that almost pulls her back from the edge. In fact the reason she didn’t lose her mind all that time in the crystal is because Armin kept talking to her. Mikasa needs to lose her connections to other people to learn to function on her own, but Annie needs to let other people connect to her.

It’s Armin who pulls her back and grabs her hand when she just wants to avoid others. It’s Armin who counteracts Annie’s long held belief, that the great big world is scary to her. Annie can’t begin to accept the idea that the world might be kind too, unless she learns to accept Armin’s optimism, and his point of view. Annie needs to learn from Armin, but to do that she has to get close to him.

So in the latest chapter we see Annie and Mikasa challenging each other again. Annie and Mikasa have asked each other the most important questions they need to answer.

Can Mikasa actually kill Eren? Can she do what she needs to do? And Mikasa asks Annie the opposite questions? Can Annie follow Armin and be there for him or is she just going to run away again?

I’d say they are both at this point at the final hurdle of their arcs. Mikasa saying that she just wants the old Eren back is the problem. She needs to learn to accept the old Eren is gone. She can either try to save the current Eren, or kill the current Eren, but both of those means Mikasa has to drop her idealized image of Eren and confront the real one right in front of her. Whereas, Annie’s trying to run away one more final time before the end instead of fighting for someone besides herself and her own survival.

Mikasa needs to learn to be independent and function without Eren, and Annie needs to learn to let other people be a part of her life. She can’t live in this world all alone. The same way that Eren once told Mikasa how to live in this world, Armin could help Annie find a way to live, but only if she lets him.

Which is why the connection between these two lost girls is so important. In the Female Type Titan arc we saw them already try to kill each other. However, they’ve always had the potential to help each other find their way so they’ll be lost girls no more.

#aot 132 #aot 132 spoilers #snk 132 #snk 132 spoilers #attack on titan meta #annie leonhart #mikasa ackerman #eren jaeger #armin arlert #eremika #aruannie #attack on titan

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ooops-i-arted · 3 years

Note

(No spoilers here since I'm sure you haven't watched Ch14 att of this ask) But what did you think of S2E6 from a child development/Din's Dad skill's perspective?

One of the most interesting things to me is that we’re starting to get hints that Grogu is more developed than previously indicated, possibly more like a preschooler than a toddler. It’s been mentioned that he’s been “trained” (although we don’t know what that entails yet*) and Gideon, interestingly, talks directly to Grogu like a person who is capable of understanding him. The only other people who have really done this are Din (his caretaker) and Ahsoka (who is able to communicate with him via the Force). Does Gideon know something we don’t about Grogu/his species/his development? Or was he just desperate to monologue at someone and Grogu was his only available victim?

*Very curious what this “training” consists of. It’s honestly borderline age-inappropriate to have formal lessons like you usually think of having at school at such a young age; children learn through play. Meditation I can see, especially as a self-soothing or calm down tool that would be vital for children that can potentially kill you with their mind, but I wonder what else Grogu was taught at the Temple. Maybe we’ll get more clarification when we find out exactly what he was trying to do at the seeing stone.

Anyway wasn’t that opening cockpit scene the cutest??? What a far cry from their first few scenes, where Din wouldn’t let the baby play with the orb or the buttons. They’ve really gotten so close and comfortable with each other; no wonder Grogu doesn’t want to leave his daddy! (Also Din has leveled up that Dad Voice; contrast “give me the ball” with “you stay right here, you stay, don’t move.”) Also I loved Din narrating everything he was doing and thinking. I model for my students like this all the time. Din seems to have realized the importance of explaining things to the kid and even craves the connection and communication. I really felt like while Din doesn’t want to give Grogu up at all, he would rather do what he believes is best for his child, rather than selfishly keep him, but he doesn’t want Grogu to feel abandoned or that Din doesn’t care about him. So even though he’s not good at explaining that, he tries. And Grogu in turn seems reluctant to do Jedi Stuff, knowing it will lead to Leaving Dad, but still does it anyway because Din wants him to, and kids want to please adults they care about. Anything for that sweet, sweet positive reinforcement and praise (which Din gives).

Also maybe it’s just me, but something about the way Din said “I can’t train you” just gave me the vibe that maybe he’d thought about it? Desperately Space Googled anything on the Holonet about How To Train Your Weird Green Magic Kid to see if maybe he could do it and find a way to keep him AND give Grogu the best education possible? But ended up still resolving that he was gonna do what was truly best for the kid, even if it wasn’t what Din wanted for himself. Cuz HE LOVES HIS SON SO MUCH. Many Dad Points gained.

I also loved that Din does not know a single gotdamned thing about the Jedi, but STILL tries to help his son be The Best Jedi Ever by attempting to find a switch or something to help him do Whatever Jedi Stuff He Is Supposed To Be Doing, continuing his trend of being a proud coach from the sidelines for his boy.

Also this is 100% true to life, my students can confirm, one of them does this CONSTANTLY: Din: okay I need you to do the thing Grogu: *does not do the thing, delays as long as possible* Din: okay nevermind don’t do the thing it’s time to go on to the next thing Grogu: *immediately does what he was asked*

Which again is “defiance to regain control of the situation” behavior. I mentioned that last time and I think it’s the same deal - Grogu feels out of control of what’s going on in his life, but it’s safe to act out with Din because he knows Din will not harm him. So he does as opposed to shutting down.

But of course then he gets kidnapped, which has to be completely and utterly terrifying. He’s been safe for a while now, with a caretaker who looks after him and makes all the bad and scary things go away. The last thing he saw, he was safe with Dad. But then he opens his eyes and there are bad scary droids all around who snatch him up and take him away from Dad! Of course he is absolutely terrified!

We don’t see what happens between that and him in the cell. But I’m guessing nothing good. He’s back with things he associates with fear, violence, and death - stormtroopers and cold Imperial equipment - and he’s all alone. Even if all that happens is getting dragged to his cell, that has to be overwhelmingly scary even for an adult, let alone a little one who isn’t emotionally mature enough to handle all that fear.

We also don’t know what started the violence we see at the end. Grogu has not initiated violence onscreen so far; although it’s up to interpretation, even choking Cara was reactive imo (we see him looking scared before he does it, so I’ve always seen that scene as him misunderstanding and thinking Din was in danger). Personally I’m inclined to think Gideon ordered the troopers to antagonize Grogu to see what he was capable of and to tire him out, but that’s pure speculation at this point.

Either way, this is the most violent we have seen Grogu so far. Every other instance of Force use is purely practical, aimed to solve the problem at hand. Mudhorn? Stop it from beating Dad. Fireball? Push it away from my friends. Greef’s injured? Fix it up. Even choking Cara is arguably just done to stop the “fight” Grogu perceives happening rather than make her suffer. But these stormtroopers are being thrown, choked, tormented. It’s not about keeping them away from him or protecting himself, it’s about hurting them. So to slide over into Force commentary, imo that’s his first potential Dark Side slippage. Because he’s acting out of fear and anger, not a desire to protect or solve a problem.

And as a general rule, kids don’t go instinctively for true violence. They may hit and bite and stuff, but it’s a reactive thing to stop something they don’t like rather than truly wanting to hurt the other person. So Grogu being that intentionally violent? That’s bad, and not just from a Jedi perspective. I worked with a very violent student a few years ago and that particular case was because of trauma/abuse in their past. In Grogu’s case that’s possible, but I also think that for a long time he’s been normalizing violence. I’m guessing he saw plenty even before Din got him, if he’s a Temple refugee (and has presumably received training about connecting to other Jedi) he possibly felt the death of thousands of other Jedi deeply through the Force, and ever since we’ve known him he has been exposed to LOTS of violence. Even if Grogu is in his own mind/started out only trying to defend himself, he knows “the person I admire most in the entire galaxy would kill the fuck out of these guys, and then I would be safe, so maybe I should try that too.” So not very good for Grogu’s psyche at all. (Oh and on top of all of that, he presumably saw Gideon before, knows this man almost killed his daddy, and is now threatening him. So a Scary Cherry on the Sundae of Fear.)

There’s a lot to chew on here and we’ll have to see where it goes - personally I hope Grogu can keep himself on the Light Side but I suspect he’s in grave danger right now, not just physically but emotionally and mentally as well. And even if he gets out, the trauma would realistically have a lasting affect on him. Din, hurry your butt up and get yourself more Dad Points!

#sorry for delay these posts just take A Long Time to write #asks #anon #the mandalorian #baby yoda #the mandalorian spoilers #baby yoda meta

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life-rewritten · 4 years

Text

Flower of Evil: The Breakdown of the Psyche of Baek Hee Sung

Watching episode 15 of Flower of Evil is a thrilling experience that still haunts me till this very day. We could focus on the psychological state of Do Hyun So as he hears that Baek Hee Sung kills Cha Ji Won. I could analyse it as a Romeo and Juliet base; dreadful outcome of miscommunication and how this has been foreshadowed since the very beginning of this show. But what's even more fascinating is how the ghost of Do Min Seok is used even more as a way to showcase the breakdown of his psyche again, especially when he starts to doubt Cha Ji Won in front of him because he always believed he wasn't sane. It's a fantastic painful scene. So yeah we could focus on all that, but I want to focus again on the actual message of the show being a flower made of evil/in evil, and look at the man, the coward, the villain of this show Baek Hee Sung. His reasoning, his descent into psychopathy, and his reasons for his thirst to kill.

A breakdown of the psyche of Baek Hee Sung

When we first look at Baek Hee Sung, he's found lying on a hospital bed secretly stashed inside a walk-in closet of his parents. His mum is hugely emotional and anxious about him, we can tell she holds a lot of guilt, and she's involved in his situation. His dad is there to hold her back from making mistakes, whilst also still making her feel guilty whenever she tried to actively move on and accept Do Hyun So as her family. (which she admits to him in episode 14)

Baek Hee Sung lying on the bed doesn't feel as scary and whilst the clues are there that he is the missing accomplice; the reason for why the serial killings stopped after Do Min Seok committed suicide, (the day he went into a coma) and his family's need to conceal him away like a secret. Even when he wakes up, he's still not as scary as his father who acts more coldly and heartless in situations and feels more dangerous than the guy who can't walk. It's until the audience is told he is the accomplice that things start to fall into place. The question is, why is Baek Hee Sung a killer.

The Guilty Party: His Parents

I've already posted about the irony of the identity of Baek Hee Sung, how both he and Do Hyun So are mirrors of each other, foils of each other destined to intersect. Just like Hyun So was taken to therapy at a very young age for hurting animals, Hee Sung was also there because he also dropped a brick from the roof on a dog/car with people in it. He blamed it on stress, and unease from his exams, he needed to let off steam, and whilst Hyun So doesn't react or give of emotions to the therapist, Hee Sung cries and acts guilty making people think he's not someone with a disorder. Including his parents, who feel guilty for making him into one later because of neglect and stress on him to succeed as a maths wiz. This is when Hee Sung meets Do Min Seok, and he tells his parents he was coerced and forced by him into the killing.

Reasons for why his family continues to aid him into killing:

The father and his neglect

The mother of Hee Sung states that from the very beginning she was the one who took care of Hee Sung, she was the one who taught him, stayed by him as he grew up. His dad was nowhere to be found because he was always working. Even in the past, when he was taken to therapy, his father wasn't at the hospital, it was his mother who knew and fully understood his character. The most important scene that is repeated is that his father refused to answer the phone when he ran over Do Hyun So and because he panicked he proceeded to try and bury him in the back yard. This is what caused the catalyst of his mother, stabbing him and realising the monster he's become. It's what drives him to be in the coma. Looking at this information and what Director Baek says, it's his guilt for not being with his son that causes him to act out if he was there perhaps Min Seok wouldn't have coerced Hee Sung if he was there or answered the phone his family would not be in the predicament they are in. His guilt is focused on ensuring his family is safe, protected and mended. Because he was not there at the beginning. From his cold attitude, and unfeeling persona about other matters, it can be assumed that he only focused on the fact that his son was a genius, and math wiz, he probably didn't think it was wrong as long as his status and reputation were good. He believes after his son wakes up that by being by his side, he will change, he will now be part of it and control the other variables. This is what causes him to pardon Hee Sung continuously; he feels too guilty to try and stop him. (though his guilt doesn't stop him from being abusive, I guess.) He's even willing to kill to get his family protected, as long as he can manipulate someone else to take the fall. He uses Do Hyun So as physical place holder, hoping to get rid of him and return his son to that position, he even menace says that Hyun so's wife and child will end up being given to Hee Sung, and that's his goal. The father's character is three dimensional because as much as he acts cold and unfeeling, he does have one thing he cares about his son and family's reputation. This is why it can be proved as well that the environment for Hee Sung was also part of the reasons for his descent into psychopathy/murder. His father neglect that makes him more prone to following Min Seok to get attention.

The mother and her guilt

Baek Hee Sung has a different relationship with his mother; he indulges her and doesn't feel angry about her trying to kill him. He coerces her into helping him and his antics because he plays as well on her guilt. Different from the father's responsibility in neglect, his mum is representative of the burden in pressure. From the start of the show, the mother reacts anxiously to any hints of pressure: she rips up Eun Ha (her fake grand daughter's) maths work because it's too ahead of her, she blames the work for the reason for why it would ruin her life and her mum's, she also questions Eun Ha if her mum hits her, or hurts her when she gets the answer wrong suggesting that Hee Sung may have been forced into the life of being a maths wiz. Her character is over-reactive, and she makes mistakes all the time. She feels guilty for pressuring him into studying, especially when in the psychiatry hospital he says it's what caused him to throw the dog from the rooftop. In her mind, the pressure they instilled on her son is what made him look for refuge and release from Min Seok. Her guilt continues to hunt her because she reacts to the reveal of his killings by stabbing him and putting him in an extended coma. Her guilt is what makes her hide him on life support in the closet, ensuring they keep him alive, and her guilt even worsens when she finally wants to end it all (and move on) by killing him again but only making him wake up. Not only is she feeling guilty for making him a monster because of pressure, but she feels guilty for trying to kill her own son who 'was a victim of the environment'. In her mind, her husband's neglect pushed him into wanting to seek someone else in his life as a mentor, and her pressure on him to succeed caused him to break down in need of release (he killed to feel calmer/distract himself from the stress). Because of this, and the fact that her maid betrays her (she doesn't have anyone else to trust but her family) she allows Hee Sung to coerce her into framing Hyun So. In her mind, because everyone else is terrible/fake because there is no one else who will protect her but her son and her husband she decides to team with them and keep protecting Hee Sung. It's all about guilt. Both the parents feel guilt, but the immense guilt they have is not knowing the influence of Do Min Seok in their son's life.

Do Min Seok and his cruelty

What Hee Sung tells his parents is that Do Min Seok forced him into the killing, he feared for his life, and so his only option was to kill. This is interesting if you do believe his perspective. We've seen Min Seok can be quite coercive as he tried to coerce Do Hyun So as well into hurting and maiming animals, he took him out on excursions waiting for potential to see if he was going to kill like him. Min Seok also approaches Hee Sung due to hearing about his incident with the brick, and he tells him that he's just like him. Reasons for why Hee Sung's parents would believe that Do Min Seok did do what their son says, is because of the cruelty of the murders, and their refusal to accept his role in it that makes them see it as the only option/reason for why he did it. However it is revealed that Do Min Seok did not need Hee Sung anymore once they captured Jung Mi-Sook, he wanted him to turn himself in and stop, but Hee Sung proceeded to kill him because he could no longer go back to his past life, and he now had a never-ending thirst for violence. And this brings the question why did he develop an appetite for murder?

Baek Hee Sung and his thirst for violence

The father figure

It's interesting when we analyse the scene when Min Seok warns Hee Sung not to bring his son into the conversation, his desperate need to frame Do Hyun So as the murder/accomplice, and why he reacts by killing Min Seok for wanting to abandon him. The intentions from Min Seok is clear; he understands that Hee Sung won't be in trouble because his parents are wealthy enough to acquit him for his murders if they pay enough. He's not selfishly abandoning Hee Sung, but he's giving him an excuse to stop killing. This goes against Hee Sung's own claim that Min Seok was abusive and forced him into the killing. So why is he obsessed with framing Do Hyun So. From looking at the environment/nurture, he received so far before he met Min Seok, it could be possible that just as the neglect plagued his father, Hee Sung was plagued by it too. The first way Min Seok coerces Hee Sung into joining him is to speak about them as equal, he states whilst others see it frightening and weird to understand him, Min Seok is like him, and he should find others like him, so he's not lonely. Min Seok used Hee Sung's loneliness to bring him to his side. One might guess that from learning and being mentored by Min Seok, Hee Sung found a father in Do Min Seok, someone who let him be himself (aided his thirst to hurt/maim) and someone who understood him. This can then explain why he is determined to punish/frame Hyun So for the murders; jealousy. It seems that just as much as Hyun So in the future wants to be Baek Hee Sung the most to live, Hee Sung wanted the reverse to be like Hyun So, and have someone like Min Seok who understood his urges and thirst for violence but still cared. The jealousy of Hyun So also can explain why he reacted and killed Min Seok. Min Seok was about to abandon him whilst trying to protect Hyun So who isn't like them. Min Seok wanted Hyun So to be like him, he waited for chances to see Hyun So will want to kill (waiting for his skills to ripe) but overall still cared and wanted to protect Hyun So even till the end. This would have triggered jealousy in Hee Sung who didn't want to go back to his environment and wanted to continue killing. He didn't want to feel controlled or judged by others, so he got rid of Min Seok and resented him for making him a murder. His longing for a father figure might have pushed him to the edge, once he felt there was no hope of ever being normal/sane, and he didn't want to be.

The stress

Again breaking down the other reason for why he was prone to follow Do Min Seok and found refuge under his mentoring and presence. He killed to relieve stress and tension. This could be relieving tension of the pressure on him to succeed in his studies or the anticipation of feeling suffocated that he must wear a mask to be seen as normal. (The crying and the unnatural act he put on when he was in front of the therapist.) Do Min Seok became the alternative to all that, and he developed an addiction to killing, a sort of release from it that he enjoyed and revelled in. He became so addicted to it, that when Min Seok tried to stop it, he lost it and ended his life. He resented being this way, but he also enjoyed doing the act. Do Min Seok represented a sort of freedom for him, one where he didn't have to pretend or hide, or feel forced to live up to expectations of others. So his reaction in killing Do Min Seok makes sense when you look at the variables, he's not just a cold-blooded killer, he had incentives and reasons for why he did so. But this brings the question: Nature vs Nurture.

The nature vs nurture

What made Baek Hee Sung a serial killer, was he born with it or was he made to become it. From how he reacts to his diagnosis/mostly when he fakes emotions, it's clear he was born with a disorder (psychopathic/sociopathic), his automatic reaction was to find something else to use as an excuse, and he himself refused to believe he was one, a psychopath. Two from everything we've analysed now, he's also made to become one, from meeting Do Min Seok and learning how to kill, to enjoying it, to wanting an escape from the environment he was from. Three the question, however, is if he hadn't met Do Min Seok would he be a killer. My answer is yes, it was only a matter of time before he found something else to latch on as an excuse for killing, so it's both, the environment he was nurtured in was toxic and would have made him search for ways to find release, but also with his money/ social reputation it would have made it easy for him to get away with his murders, but also he wanted to kill. He didn't feel any emotions in hurting people, so we can argue that he would have tried and hurt someone even without the help of Do Min Seok, as a reaction to something, when he felt threatened in the world, or he felt annoyed by someone, he would have ended up one way or another finding reason to kill. So Baek Hee Sung might be a victim of circumstance, but he isn't innocent.

#flower of evil #lee joon gi #kim ji hoon #kdrama #analysis #baek hee sung

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kuronanox · 4 years

Text

A promise in heaven - Julius Novachrono

"Let me go!"

"No, you know I can't do that."

"I hate you Julius I can't stand looking at you."

Yanking her arm from his grip she cried and screamed. He tried to hold her and comfort her but she refused. The feeling of betrayal overcame him.

"Why don't you trust me!" Julius shouts, letting his emotions get to him. "I only love you and I've proven it so many times! What must I do to make you stay."

(Your Name) shakes her head and looks down at the floor. "Nothing, how could you love a broken person like me?"

"(Your Name)." He says with a crack voice as she looks back at his pained eyes. With one last yank Julius let her arm go as she ran away.

It was 10 years ago and it still hurt him till the present day. At first he laid around his room and neglected his duties more. After a few months he knew she wasn't coming back.

Julius looked out the Clover Kingdom and sighed. She was a troublesome girl and often got into trouble a lot. He just wanted to be there for her and protect her from the cruel world.

They met when she was running away from a group of thugs, she had stole a bag of gold from them out of desperation of money.

"The dumb bitch is running around the corner!"

(Your Name) ran as fast as should could, she was running out of money and by the next week she was going to be on the streets again. Turning the corner she came across Julius and he looked shocked.

Clicking her teeth she advanced towards him and kicked him in the stomach and made a run for it.

Julius was the wizard king but getting kicked by a civilian shocked him that he couldn't move.

"It-it's the wizard king!" The thugs yelled and ran away back to their homes afraid he was going to send them to prison.

(Your name) looked back to see no one as she sighed and smiled. The money would last her months till she can get a steady foot.

"That wasn't really nice miss." Julius says in front as her mouth gasp and she pulled out a dagger.

"Move or else." She says with fear in her voice.

"Hey hey, I won't hurt you. Tell me where are you from?" He gently says holding her hands down safely.

Knitting her brows she scanned him up and down. Shaking her head she shut her mouth.

Julius sighed and took the bag of gold from her. Her eyes widen "Hey!"

"Tell me, why are stealing gold from under ground thugs?"

"Because... isn't it obvious. I need the money."

"Get back to work!" Marx shouts to Julius as he spaced out for the 5th time that morning. "Ahh I'm sorry, I got distracted again."

Picking up a piece of paper to sign Marx gives a sympathetic look and walks away. He knew Julius was thinking about her. (Your Name) the only person to bring out his smile besides when he saw new types of magic.

Julius and (Your Name) were in love but she couldn't handle the life and the people here.

It seemed like everyone was against their relationship at the time and tried to bring them down. They succeeded as she left a part of Julius left with her.

"I'll help you back to your feet." Julius offered as he brought her to safety in his office.

"I don't need help from you." She sneered looking away from him.

"Alright well I guess you won't be needing this either." Julius smirked dangling the bag of gold as her eyes followed in desperation.

"Ugh fine! What do you want me to do?"

"You can get a job as a server at one of our nicest restaurants in the kingdom."

(Your Name) crossed her arms and took a seat across from Julius, listening to the opportunity she has.

"Fine, where will I stay till I can get a place?"

"Um here!" He exclaimed with a bright smile as she gave him a smug look.

"Whatever, deal."

A loud thunder clashed as (Your Name) eyes opened from her sleep. She sat up from bed and pushed her hair away from her face.

"Why do I keep dreaming about him? I left him I shouldn't be this sad."

"(Your Name)! You have your regular!" A coworker had shouted out to her.

The past few months she was working there she became a natural and tips became so easy to make.

Julius also became a regular because he wanted to check up on her to see if she was okay and also because he was entranced by her.

She smiled to herself and turned to see Julius waiting patiently for her.

"The usual?" She asks him as he nodded.

After her shifts he was always there to walk her back safely and at the same time she was still staying in his office.

"You know I can get my own place now."

Julius stiffens a bit and gives a weak smile. "Actually (Your Name) I wanted to talk to you about sometime."

"Um alright." (Your Name) says noticing that he was acting unusual that night.

"I've been feeling this for a while, but I really enjoy your company and would like to have you by my side and would be sadden to see you with anyone else."

"Did you just confess to me?" She laughs as he grabs the back of his neck and lightly chuckles.

"Kinda."

"Well lucky for you I will accept!"

(Your Name) gets a message from Marx asking her to return to the Clover Kingdom. Throwing the paper away she goes out and starts to harvest her plants because winter could get harsh.

"Why does that mushroom keep sending me updates about Julius! It's been years and I've moved on!" She tries to convince herself and dig in the dirt planting some tomatoes.

"I'm home!" (Your Name) shouts as Julius hoisted her from behind.

"I'm glad you got back safe. How was work?"

"Ugh I had a table leave without paying but either than that it was good."

Julius smiles and kisses her

gently on the on the lips taking her to the shower.

They relaxed in the tub as he told her about his day and all the new magic he saw.

"Seems interesting, I'm not really gifted in magic..."

Julius notices her sadness and lifts her chin to his face. "You are more than enough to me, I'll be here to protect you."

"But I won't be able to protect you! What if something happens to the kingdom and you can't stop it! I won't be able to help."

Julius sighs and drys his body along with her as they laid in bed.

"Shh, stop. Nothing will ever happen. I promise."

"Julius, don't make promises you can't keep."

"I promise." He whispers to her, laying his head on her as she sadly smiles and lets him drift to sleep.

Julius thought back about that time, he promised to protect her and the kingdom. As he fought licht he had a small feeling of guilt.

He was about to break his promise, he thought about (Your Name). Wondering if she was still alive or in trouble.

When Licht plunged his sword into Julius, he smiled. Maybe it was better this way. He was getting older and a new wizard king was bound to happen.

Then he thought again. "Maybe this time I'll get to be with (Your name)."

Although he wanted to cry no tears came out.

"What are you reading so intently?" (Your Name) asks Julius as he tried to hide the letter but was snatched out of his hands.

"Wow everyone hates me here. I told you Julius I'm nothing but a burden to you and the kingdom!"

Julius sighs and looks out the window, it was the 10th letter that week regarding (Your Name) and how she didn't deserve to be with him and how weak she was.

"No one thinks that."

"Everyone thinks that. Stop trying to hide the truth from me. I know no one accepts our relationship. Especially bird braid Nozel.”

Julius sits up from his chair and brings her to an embrace as she hugged him. "I hate this. I hate myself."

"Shh, stop."

(Your Name) sighed, even when going out alone people yelled and called her names. Some refused to let her in the store or provide service. Although she never let Julius know, he knew.

"We will be okay, I promise."

She scoffed and hugged tighter in his embrace. "You and your promises again."

Opening the millionth letter again from Marx she scanned through it and was about to throw it away when she read that Julius had passed away and her attendance at Clover Kingdom was necessary.

Her mouth went dry as her eyes watered. Packing everything that was important to her she hit the road and left to see him.

It was when she entered, Marx immediately brought her to the body. Holding in her cries she saw his face. He was at peace, no more work no more duties to attend. He was in heaven.

"I wish he could have seen you one last time if we had known he was going to pass." Marx states looking down at the body.

Crying ugly tears she screamed and took his hand with hers. "I'm sorry I left Julius. You know me to well I was to stubborn and I selfishly left you."

The days passed and she lingered in his room and bed looking out the window it had been raining the last few days.

No announcement had been made to the public yet, although everyone had been curious where the wizard king has been.

“Yo.” A gruff lazy voice calls by the door way.

Sitting up she calls out. “Yami.”

“Still see you lounging around?”

She laughs and looks down at her hands. “Yeah it’s been tough. Glad to see you are doing well.”

Yami puffs out some smoke and leans against the door. “Yeah, you too. Thought you were dead if I’m being honest. Julius never told me what happen.”

Sighing she looks up to Yami and gives a weak smile.

“I wish it was me rather than him.”

Silence fold between the two as they listened to the rain fall. “Well I gotta show you something.”

“What?”

“Just follow me.”

Walking down the hallway they make it to a balcony.

“It’s raining Yami.”

Turning around he was gone.

She saw that the kingdom was a mess, the buildings were destroyed, the people were trying to rebuilt their lives again.

“(Your Name).”

“I don’t have time to see this Yami!”

“Well after all these years you still have some sassy in you.”

“You know I don’t really need-“ turning her body in slight irritation she sees Julius standing behind her with a smile.

The smile that lit up the world and all that was there.

“Julius!”

“I’m back (Your Name).”

Giving him a big hug she rubbed her face in his chest. “I’ve missed you, I’m so sorry.”

Julius caresses her hair and embraces her.

“I forgive you, this time you are saying.”

“But how did you come back? I saw you out cold.”

Julius looks away slyly. “It’s complicated, we will get back to that another time. At the mean time we have lots to catch up on.”

Grabbing her hand they walk back to room and sit on the bed.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” She says back holding both his hands looking down ashamed.

“We will fix this (Your Name), nothings ever perfect.”

“I know, I’ll stay and I’ll push past the obstacles that tear us down.”

Julius kisses her hands and brings them to his face.

"I didn't break my promise and came back."

(Your Name) punches him lightly and scoffs.

"Whatever."

They lay in bed and look out the window together. "Well looks like we have a lot of work for the kingdom in the next few months."

"I like the we." She says and he kisses her forehead.

"It's always going to be we for now on." Julius says closing his eyes, enjoying this peace of heaven he could stay for a while.

#black clover oneshots #black clover oneshot #black clover julius #julius novachrono #yuki tabata #black clover #yami sukehiro #black clover yami #black clover x reader #black clover imagines

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pneumasthesia · 3 years

Text

Chapter 19

C. The middle-aged woman

Third Act – Cognition: Part 5 / Fourth Card – Future: Coins

I’m falling.

I have been falling for some time. Ever since that moment. That moment of such pure clarity. Such pure confidence. Such pure conviction.

But then I started to fall.

My clarity was shattered. My High ended. I had nowhere else to go but down.

So I fell. On and on, for what seemed like an eternity. Every moment they, I, we, got one step closer to the truth.

I was afraid.

When I find the truth, I will finally fall to the bottom. I will be in a Rut. My deepest Rut. A Rut that will last years.

My clarity was only a High. Only an illusion invented by my addled mind for my own self-satisfaction. This Rut is the truth.

They are talking, discussing, determining something. The truth, most likely. It won’t be long. I have resigned myself to this, my future, and my past. I am a murderer. I’ve never been anything else.

The Hanged Man speaks up first. She accuses me. I’m so happy for her. I’m sure that she has the strength, and the weakness, to carry on. This moment, this trauma, will be the basis for her achievement of true catharsis. It’s not as if that was what I was aiming for in doing this, my deeds were always purely selfishly motivated. I thought myself a savior, but I was only a savior to myself.

The Magician takes my arm. He holds me in place. I expected this of him. I knew that the two of us had much in common. We both think for more of ourselves than we are worth, and that is our strength. We have the inner strength to brave any outside threat, and any inside one, at least that is what I thought. But I know now that we differed in one key way, the Magician truly likes himself. The Ace despises that they can only allow themselves to be the Ace.

The Hermit takes my other arm. I can no longer struggle even if I wanted to. I’m proud of him. In many ways, the two of us were alike, that is the one thing that my victim said that I agree with. But regardless of how intelligent, composed, and perhaps even kind we may be, I lack one thing that the Hermit has, I never allowed myself to embrace being alone. The Hermit is awkward and difficult, he could never understand anyone else, but because of this, he let himself enjoy the company of his own self. I always searched for someone, anyone who could complete me. I never tried to fix what was broken in myself on my own. I always searched for answers outside of myself, and when I found none, I took my self-hatred out on the world.

The High Priestess reveals the final piece of evidence. This is my damnation. I truly despise her. She is everything that I defined myself in opposition to. She is dependent and emotional and frivolous. I saw her as weak, so I convinced myself that I was strong. I do not envy her. She is weak, but I am as well. We both have weakness and we both have searched our whole lives for a way to cover it. Neither of us have been successful and I don’t think either of us ever will, but one became a murderer, so perhaps the other has the right of it.

Finally, the Fool steps forward. He gently places his hand on my bare arm and scrapes away my cover. Below the thin layer that I had thought would protect me is my weakness. Cuts, gores, gashes. A mark of my mistake, created by the desperation of a weak individual. It’s unsightly, seeing so deeply under my own skin. This is what is inside me? It is the same thing that was in the Professor. Well of course it is, how silly of me to be so surprised.

The Fool looks me straight in the eye. That must be difficult for him. I think I can understand. I know those eyes, I have seen them and failed to see through them so many times before. We really were the same deep down. That’s something I’ve been realizing more and more with everyone here. But with him especially, I felt that we are the same person, only seeing the world with different eyes, or not seeing it, in this case.

I can’t help but laugh. I have been feeling in good humor lately. I can hardly think without cracking a joke. If I laugh out loud now, what would they think of me? Perhaps they’d see me as some maniacal villain, an insane murderer, an unfeeling monster. I can’t tell them that they’re wrong about that, but that’s not the reason why I want to laugh. It’s just … instinct: basic evolutionary psychology.

I am fading.

I have been fading for some time. Ever since we started the evaluation. That moment of such clarity. Such pure camaraderie. Such pure catharsis.

But then I started to fade.

My clarity was sharpened. My Rut ended. I had nowhere else to go but reality.

So I faded. On and on, for what was only a few hours. Every moment I, he, we, got one step closer to the truth.

I am afraid.

Now that I have found the truth, I will know that I am at the bottom. This Rut will be my truth. Ever Rut before will have only been a High. A High that only lasted an instant.

This clarity is the truth. A truth invented by my addled mind for my own self-satisfaction. This truth is the Rut.

They are asking, questioning, demanding, that I tell them: the guests, the police, the therapists. That I tell them why I did it. That I explain my side. They ask for the whole story. I cannot give it to them. I do not know myself. The murderer that I am is in the past. I am no longer the Ace of Swords.

It is all a haze. The past is but a fading cloud above my head. No more real than the future. The only thing is the present. I am for once in my life fully conscious of the present. I despise the present. The present can never be anything but the result of the past. But the past is immutable, ephemeral, an unreal truth. So the present can never be right as its foundation is wrong.

Slowly, I fade. I sit in a corner, and I fade. I speak about myself, and I fade. Every moment of every interminable day, I fade.

To kill is to die. The moment that I committed my greatest mistake, I was more myself than ever before in my life. That mistake was my purest truth. I will never again feel that pure clarity, nor will I ever again feel the resulting confusion. I have left my truest self behind. I am only her shadow. My life is not hers, nor is it mine. I simply live.

So I lived. I lived and I faded. I did the right thing. I allowed myself to fade. Every moment my existence became less and less real and every moment I became closer and closer to the material. Slowly, I escaped my head. I could not bear to be in there any further. It was too crowded.

Then, he came. I knew he’d come. He came for me before, an eternity ago, a few hours ago, right when I needed him.

At first, I didn’t listen to him. I didn’t want to hear. I didn’t want to hear what he thought of me, because I knew that it would be true. I simply sat, and I faded. I waited for him to leave, like everyone else. I wanted to be alone. I thought that I was myself when I was alone. I thought that he would only make me her, my true self. I didn’t want that, I don’t want that, but I need that, I have always needed that. I didn’t realize that. How could I? Not when I was alone. I could never have been able to admit to myself who I was, until he said …

“Just start by telling me how you feel right now.”

How do I even begin?

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darkstar6782 · 3 years

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5.08: Changing Channels - My Rewatch Review

There are few surprise reveals that any show has done better than Supernatural and the reveal that the trickster that has been hounding Sam and Dean since season 2 is actually the archangel Gabriel. And it’s a ret-con of sorts that actually works really well within the confines of the story that has already been told, because it doesn’t negate anything that came before, and it adds a fair amount of nuance and depth to the trickster’s character and past motivations in the process, especially where his actions in ‘Mystery Spot’ are concerned. I can buy that the first time the boys came upon him in ‘Tall Tales’, it was by accident, and he chose to mess with them and ultimately let them go rather than killing them outright because he knew who they were from the very start and figured he’d have a bit of fun. And then, when they fell into his orbit again in ‘Mystery Spot’, he could see that the events that would lead to them starting the Apocalypse had already been set in motion, and his decision to screw with them there was more of an attempt to derail the train before it got too far down the track. Because if he had managed to get Sam to accept his brother’s death and learn to live without him, Sam may very well not have fallen into Ruby’s trap, and things may have played out very differently. But after seeing Sam’s reaction to losing Dean, even without the demons showing up to influence him in his grief, Gabriel realizes that these boys were chosen not just because of what they’ll do, but because of who they are. And so we come to this episode, where he has chosen to accept the inevitability of Armageddon, and has decided to get Sam and Dean to do the same.

And I honestly can’t blame him. I really do not like the way that he has messed with Sam and Dean in the past—‘Mystery Spot’, for all the humor it attempts, is a dark and painful episode to watch—but once you know who he really is and why he’s really been doing all of this, it’s hard not to empathize with his attempts. You can see the shape of his reasoning for trying to get Sam to accept Dean’s death back before Dean went to Hell, and you can also see the desperation in what he is trying to do here. He loves his brothers, loves his family of angels, but he hates to see them fighting, hates to see them tearing each other apart, and hates the fact that they were so desperate to try and bring their father back that they chose to bring on the Apocalypse. In his position, I’d probably want to get the worst of it over also. That’s the rest of the angels’ reasoning for ‘getting the Apocalypse over with’, after all; they figure, if it doesn’t bring God back, at least there’s a good chance that it will usher in Paradise, which will at least lift the burden of looking after humanity off of their shoulders.

The only problem with that, of course, is humanity, and that is why I also love that Sam and Dean do eventually get through to Gabriel. Not in this episode, obviously, but their perseverance, and their reasons outside of simple stubbornness for not saying ‘Yes’ to Michael and Lucifer and getting the battle out of the way do eventually make an impression on him. And the power of having an archangel in their corner is not to be denied—not for his physical prowess, but for what he represents to the rest of the angels. Because despite spending most of his time in the persona of the trickster tormenting and killing humans for fun, he still has more experience with humanity and their worthiness than any of the other angels do. I find it fascinating that Lucifer’s original sin was not wanting to put humanity on the pedestal that God expected him to, but that even though all of the other angels fell in line with God, they don’t actually care about humanity either (except for Cass, and look at what it took for him to see humans as worth protecting over the interests of his fellow angels). God told them to love humanity, and they didn’t say ‘no’, like Lucifer did, but their actions now show that they never really said ‘yes’ either, or, if they did, they have long forgotten their directive from God and are now acting as selfishly as Lucifer did before he fell.

I didn’t mean for this to turn into a theological essay, but there is no real debate about whether this episode is amazing or not, and it doesn’t really reveal anything new about Sam and Dean in this moment, but bringing another archangel out of the woodwork does make the angelic side of the apocalypse equation much more interesting. And Gabriel is a wonderfully complex character now that he is more than just a trickster, and I look forward to discussing his evolution as a character more fully in future episode reviews as well.

#supernatural #5.08 changing channels #spn rewatch #the great pre-convention SPN rewatch #tgpcSPNr

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tiredthinkbucket · 4 years

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It comes in waves.

There are sometimes when it’s calm, it’s quiet, it’s almost serene. And Yennefer just feels like a person, she feels alright, like she was never incomplete, like she was enough, like she is enough. She’s strong, but not too strong, just the right amount of weakness to feel her humanity.

And then there are times that weakness is overbearing, it’s all consuming, where she comes apart from the inside. Pieces of her start spilling out, parts so deep and so dark she didn’t even realize that she had, things she’s shoved to the side to address later but later came too soon, and she tries to grab them, to hold them in place while she figures out a way to patch it back together. Yet she always manages to somehow get it, to be mostly whole, better.

In a way, each time it happens, it gets a little bit easier, because she’s had practice at putting it all back. She’s learned what works, what doesn’t, she knows more about what she needs, and how to heal the fastest and the easiest. It becomes second nature, an unconscious sort of art form.

But each time, it also gets harder, because the bones have never fully healed, the angles are a little off, the scars have already left her skin a little rough, the stitches are just yanked open, tearing the skin even more than before. Aches that have dulled but they never left, and the cold reminds her that they’re still there, they’ve never left, just been a little more quiet.

Every time, she misses a piece, but in it’s stead she gains a lesson.

Her father— she was still so young when he died— but she remembers the first realization of loss. She learned that not all things are beautiful, and it was soon after that she realized that most things on the Continent are not beautiful at all. They were like her, ugly, malformed, unnecessary.

Her mother: meant well, but didn’t do well, or not well enough for it to matter. Through her and her failures, Yennefer learnt that good intentions are rarely good enough. Sometimes it’s just better to be straightforwardly selfish, if that’s how it has to be, because there is no sense in trying to make it more palatable. The pill has to be swallowed either way, the effect will be the same.

The villagers, they usually didn’t care enough to really affect her. The few unfortunate interactions she did have with the unlucky taught her fear: fear the unknown, fear the different, fear the ugly. The things that didn’t make sense, that were an abomination, the abnormal, she realized that most shunned them simply because they did not understand. It was not out of an innate dislike, it was protection, a mere defense mechanism. And while it hurt, she understood.

Her step-father was always filled with hatred, and perhaps that’s where she first truly learned the feeling. Sometimes it was not enough to fear what was different from you, sometimes you needed to hate it so you didn’t feel so similar. Hate creates a type of distance, in the way that trying to cross it feels impossible, because the two sides are irreconcilable. Distance makes you safe, removed, impossible to be reached and touched.

The Rectoress taught her humiliation—a burning, enveloping sense of shame and disgust for who and what she was. Piglet, not worthy of a real name, not even worth full price, only another pig in the pen, an eel in the pool, only a conduit and nothing more. She brought her down lower than she thought she could go, having been raised unloved and unwanted, she realized that even if by some miracle someone could look past her disfiguration, she would still never be loved nor wanted. And so she learnt the shame of desiring something one could never, should never even hope to have.

With the young sorcerer, her first lover, she came to understand the true meaning and the far reaching effects of betrayal. To put trust in someone so willingly was to ask to be broken. Laughably, she should have expected him to only act as dishonorably as she. It was a lesson she thought she had already knew, that trust was only for constants, and not for mortals. Foolishly, she had forged ahead, blinded by her emotions, comforted by his care, craving the feeling of being wanted by another, despite knowing it wasn’t real, she’d wanted it, she’d had it, and then she destroyed it with something as simple as trusting someone with too much. How could she expect someone else to handle her fragile, patchwork heart with the amount of care she needed to keep it together?

The King, for all his charm and excellent tastes, was a fool, and if Yennefer learned anything it court, it was that men were more easily swayed by hips than with tongues, and yet they’d sooner listen to another pair of balls than a pair of breasts. People were easy enough to understand and manipulate once you brought them down to their most base desires, but you could only bring them so far within the carnal realm before they refused to go further, for they would rather wallow in wanton pleasure than care about more the more powerful pursuits. Sex can bring pleasure, can tease gold from purses, but it cannot bring peace to war torn lands, cannot feed starving bellies, and it cannot satisfy for very long.

The Witcher, the proud, presumptuous, woebegone mutant, left his parting gift of taking away Yennefer’s free will from her. All the rest, Yennefer had learned how to cope with, how to reassemble the pieces she had been left with when she crumbled down. But now, tied with strings of fate she had never consented to, bound to a man who she probably never truly loved, bereft of her freedom and trapped in a cage that she cannot see, she finally understands the stupidity of her heart. She had always chased after what she thought she could not have, believing that it would finally teach her how to be happy. She may feel constrained because of the man’s wish, but it is herself that has long imposed the restrictions that prevent her, the freedom she lost was nothing she had not already stolen from herself. Yennefer for so long had allowed herself to be told that she was not, could not, would not ever be enough.

Tissaia de Vries stands before Yennefer of Vengerberg and asks her to stand with her, to fight alongside her, as an equal. Yennefer cannot seem to reconcile the woman that pleads with her now with the one that had once told her she would not be loved even if she were beautiful. But as the confusion swirls in her heart, threatening to break her down once more, reopening the hurts, suddenly all the pieces she has clung to come together.

Yennefer’s one defining fear had always been that she could not be loved because she thought she was hideous. Even after her transformation, she let that terrorize her mind, that she would always have to try her hardest and beyond to manipulate people into loving her. If she wanted to be seen and powerful, she would have to accept that because she was not, she had to fight and selfishly take what she wanted, she needed to ostracize, to despise, she needed to demean and degrade others, she would have to trust no one and especially not a man, and only when she had no choice in the matter did she realize that it has always been her choice. The person that Yennefer has for years striven to prove herself to all along was a hunchback girl from Vengerberg.

Tissaia had been trying to teach her self sufficiency, by facing her fears and moving beyond them. What Yennefer thought she had wanted was to be good at something, to succeed and excel and to prove to everyone else that she could. That this hunchback, disfigured, undesirable girl could achieve what was thought to be impossible, and she stupidly thought that would be enough for her.

She was already excellent. She has already proved herself to be a capable sorceress.

And only when she finally accepts that does she realize that Tissaia has long thought so too.

She will accept the invitation. Anyway, what other option does she really have? Fight now or fight later, but there is certainly something satisfying about being asked so desperately, knowing she is needed, wanted. She finally gets her wish when she realizes it was useless. Even now, however, some habits are hard to break.

“Have you ever used that word before?”

#yennaia #yennefer of vengerberg #tissaia de vries #the witcher netflix #listen these are just my thoughts in a lot of crooked lines #i tried to make it make sense but #welcome to my mind lmao #my writing

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