#that i should just put grad school which is also true

[fillejondrette]

i was stupid and told a potential landlord that im a law student and he immediately seemed hesitant lol

[bixels]

The idea that uni protesters are "elitist ivy-league rich kids larping as revolutionaries" on Twitter and Reddit and even here is so fucking funny to me if you actually know anything about the student bodies at these unis. Take it from someone who's going to one of the biggest private unis in the US, 80% of the peers I know are either from the suburbs or an apartment somewhere in America, children of immigrants, or here on a student visa. I've heard about one-percenter students, but I've never met one in person. Like, don't get me wrong, the institution as a whole is still very privileged and white. I've talked with friends and classmates about feeling weird or dissonant being here and coming from such a different background. But in my art program, I see BIPOC, disabled, queer, lower-income students and faculty trying to deconstruct and tear that down and make space every day. So to take a cursory glance at a crowd of student protesters in coalitions that are led by BIPOC & 1st/2nd-gen immigrant students and HQ'd in ethnic housings and student organizations and say, "ah. children of the elite." Get real.

[andreisvechnikov]

Hurricanes’ Seth Jarvis leans into status as an honorary Harvard grad

By: Luke Decock, April 24, 2024

When Tripp Tracy was asked to speak at a meeting of the Harvard Club of the Research Triangle last week, he naturally invited the Carolina Hurricanes’ two other Harvard Men to join him. Jack Drury, owner of a Harvard diploma, class of 2023. Seth Jarvis, owner of a “Harvard Alumni” T-shirt, class of not quite veritas.

Neither Drury nor Jarvis could attend because of the team’s pre-playoff dinner gathering, but Jarvis was nevertheless welcome despite his self-proclaimed “Grade 6” education, because if there’s one thing that’s true about the Hurricanes’ third-year forward above all else, it’s that if you try to make him the butt of a joke, even a heartfelt, good-natured one, he’ll find a way to turn it back around on you.

When Drury returned from his Cambridge graduation last summer with the crimson T-shirt as a gift for Jarvis, he never expected Jarvis to cut off the sleeves.

He never expected Jarvis to make it his undershirt and wear it under his shoulder pads every single day of the season. For every practice. Every game. Every postgame interview.

“I thought, there’s no better way to put it to use than cut it into a tank top and wear it under my gear,” Jarvis said.

Seth Jarvis. Harvard alum. The shirt says so.

“There have been a few people who have seriously asked me if I went to Harvard,” Jarvis said, “and they’ve obviously never had a conversation with me.”

The Hurricanes have always had a strong connection to Harvard, through Tracy and his youth teammate and future front-office executive Jason Karmanos, through players like Craig MacDonald and Craig Adams.

They’ve had players from the rest of the hockey-playing Ivy League schools as well, other than Brown: Jeff Hamilton (Yale), Kevin Westgarth (Princeton), Lee Stempniak (Dartmouth), Riley Nash (Cornell). Now Drury. And, apparently, Jarvis.

“I think it’s been awesome,” Tracy said. “I would have liked to have had him on the roster.”

Even within the hockey world, it’s hard to imagine two teammates as different as the goofy Manitoban and the cosmopolitan Harvard grad becoming so close. Jarvis left home at 14 to play junior hockey in the Western Hockey League and was in the NHL by age 18.

Drury, scion of a prominent hockey family, spent two years at Harvard and another year overseas in Sweden; even though Drury is two years older than Jarvis, Jarvis has played more than 100 more NHL games than Drury.

The two are akin to brothers as much as they are friends or teammates, so when Drury gave Jarvis the shirt, it was with the best of intentions. Still, give Jarvis an inch or two, he’ll take all 200 feet, same in the dressing room as on the rink.

“I got it for him hoping he would wear it,” Drury said. “Using it as the undershirt, I love that. I didn’t know he’d do that. Once he started to do it, I thought it was awesome. He’s a character. But you couldn’t have a better guy around the room.”

Every single day, the shirt goes into his laundry bag to be laundered with the rest of the team’s base layers, an old-school throwback amid the sweat-wicking, high-tech gear.

By now, seven months into the season, as the Hurricanes head north for Thursday’s Game 3 against the New York Islanders with a 2-0 lead in their first-round series, the T-shirt should probably be in tatters. It looks just fine. Other than the missing sleeves.

“It’s hung on,” Jarvis said. “It’s high quality. Only the best at Harvard.”

At the end of the regular season, when Jarvis sat in on the Bally Sports broadcast with Tracy and Mike Mansicalco while sitting out Game 82, he told Tracy he would have liked to major in “micro-macro engineering” at Harvard, which sounds like a typical Jarvis malaprop, mishmashing economics and engineering. But it also could very well be somebody’s bespoke “special concentration” in Harvard’s engineering school, studying “theories of engineering principles” or the “interactions between microscopic innovation and large system models.”

Jarvis, with his elite hockey IQ and even quicker wit, may be more evidence that you don’t have to be book smart to be smart. He plays up the dopey-goofball angle because it gets laughs — “There’s still a lot of stupidity going on throughout my day,” Jarvis said — and won the Josef Vasicek Award this season for his quotability, but he’s the son of two educators, and there’s a spark that animates both his personality and his game, burning bright under all the self-deprecating humor.

“He plays a little dumb, but he’s pretty smart actually,” Martin Necas said. “I’m positive. He’s pretty smart. He just makes himself look like it on purpose, sometimes.”

Watching his game grow over the past two seasons, as he spent last year becoming a two-way player and this season reaping the rewards, it’s fair to wonder what would happen if he applied himself in the classroom as he has to his hockey career. Who knows what might be possible.

“It’s never too late,” Drury said. “He plays it up a little bit but he’s smarter than people realize. He’s got a good head on his shoulders.”

And the T-shirt over his shoulders to sort-of prove it.

[dotster001]

im not certain if you're taking requests or if you even write crowley so if you don't, please ignore this and have a lovely day :)

reader who has a crush on crowley and shows this by stealing his coat and top hat at any oppertunity, because thievery is my love language and also his coat looks really nice and comfy.

Crow(ley) Brain

A/N: I really liked how this came out. Hope it was what you were looking for 😁

3k followers masterlist

CW:It's in my pinned post, and I've mentioned this in a couple posts, but if this is the first of my stuff you've read, I view NRC as an actual college, so reader here is 18+. If it makes you more comfy, imagine it as grad school age.

Present Day

Dire was getting ready for his work as headmaster, but he couldn't find his mask. He'd taken it off the night before so that he could turn your cuddle session into a full on makeout session. He could have sworn it was on the side table, but it was just…gone. 

"You haven't seen my mask, have you?" He asked as he started lifting up blankets and pillows and his various shiny things he kept on the floor.

"No," you said simply.

He turned back around, and you were fully dressed in his hat, mask, and coat, the coat hanging haphazardly off your shoulders.

"You're certain you haven't seen my mask?" he said with a smirk.

"Nope."

He walked up to you, lifting the mask slightly off your face so that he could kiss the tip of your nose.

"Well, you know, if I don't have my stuff, I can't go to work, and you can't go to class, cause I'll be lonely."

You gave the fakest gasp he's ever heard. "Oh no!"

He sighed.

"I can be generous with my lover. Five more minutes together, then you'll give me back my stuff."

You pouted. "25 minutes."

"Deal."

He really should not even bother looking anymore. Long before you'd started dating, you'd shown your hand. He just could forget all about it when you smiled at him so innocently.

6 months prior…

"Listen, prefect, the rest of the boys and I are starting to get suspicious," Ace whispered as you cycled through your keys. You'd bought a lot off of Sam, so you couldn't be sure which one was the one you were looking for.

"About what?"

"Well, you said that we were doing this to prank Crowley, but we aren't sure if that's true."

"Huh?"

"Look, the rest will never say it to your face, but you spend far too much time hanging out with the headmage for it to be a normal thing."

"I'm not following your logic."

Ace exhaled heavily. "Well, some of the guys think, not necessarily me, but some of them, think that-"

"YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH THE HEADMAGE, HENCHHUMAN!" a gray blob shouted as it rammed into you, making you drop all the keys and lose your place.

"Sevens! Grim! You're supposed to keep watching at the end of the hall!"

"You don't need six people guarding a set of stairs and a hallway that doesn't spawn more than 40 feet," Grim folded his arms with a harrumph.

By sheer luck, you found the key you needed on the first try, and opened the headmage's office.

"What makes you think I'm in love with the headmage?" you asked with a scowl. "Nevermind, just watch the door. We'll discuss your idiocy later."

You stomped into the room, Grim right behind you.

"Grim! I said-"

"Ace can watch the door just fine! You can't avoid this conversation! Even Jack and Deuce are suspicious, and they don't notice anything!"

You glared, before digging through Crowley's desk, looking for something, anything, to take.

"That doesn't make any sense. If I loved Crowley, why would I rob him?"

"Perhaps to get his attention," the devil in question boomed directly behind you. Both you and Grim froze, and you stared at the open door.

"Ace!" You whined.

He peeked in, saw Crowley, and grimaced, before giving a half hearted,

"Um, caw caw…."

"Too late, Ace!" You snapped.

"He didn't come through the door!" He snapped back.

"Correct. In my geniusness, I laid a trap for you!"

You pouted. Sam must have sold you out. Your crew was stupid, but they were rock solid.

You turned to Crowley, putting your most innocent grin on.

"What can I do for you, headmage?"

"I'd like my things back, my darling crow," he hummed.

"Things?" Sweet, innocent, give him nothing to work with.

"You got sloppy, darling," he smirked, hooking a clawed finger under the chain you were wearing, revealing your gold pendant.

Or, more accurately, his gold pendant.

"I'll admit, you had me fooled for a while, but even the dimmest will notice if you literally flaunt your stolen trinkets. Although," he paused, tilting his head to the side, "it does suit you." He hummed for a moment, then, "Keep it."

"Huh?"

"I want you to keep it." He seemed to remember Ace and Grim were there, and he gave a cough.

"You two. I have the mastermind. Get out of here before I change my mind."

Ace and Grim sprinted away without a glance back. Cowards.

You pouted, until you felt the claw from earlier tilting your chin up.

"What am I going to do with you, prefect?" He muttered, and in a way that you felt like you weren't actually meant to hear.

"I suppose all I can do is give you the attention you seem to crave." His smile would light up your world anyway.

4 months prior….

But it wasn't about attention. Which is why, even though you were Crowley's partner of two months, you still stole his stuff.

But today? Today was your masterpiece! You'd somehow managed to steal his cloak. You felt bad as hell.

And, since you two were dating, you were going to get away with it! Everyone assumes it was a sweet gesture, intended to keep a cold partner warm, or a possessive gesture, intended to show everyone who you belonged to. Either way? No one questioned you.

No one but the man himself, who had snuck up behind you in the courtyard and placed both his hands on your shoulders.

"Morning, my radiant prefect," he hummed, clearly grinning at how stiff you'd gotten. "I thought we had fixed our little thieving issue. Have you felt I've been neglecting you?" He nuzzled into your neck, pressing a ticklish kiss there.

"Nope. Just wanted to take it," you answered. You decided that honesty was what would make this relationship work.

"Oh? Any reason?" He asked, gently attempting to take it off your shoulders, while you sidestepped. To an outsider, it would look like two lovers doing a dance, not a headmage trying to steal his coat back.

"If I told you, it would spoil the fun of the mystery for you!" You sang as you expertly freed yourself and skipped away.

2 months prior…

"You're dating the man. Literally, you want his hat, ask for it!" Sebek growled. 

Ace was no longer your lookout when robbing your boyfriend. And Jack's new job was distracting Grim. You'd learned your lesson.

And you were thinking you were learning a new one. Sebek was too loud to be a lookout. You'd have to promote Epel or Deuce next round.

"It's not as exciting like that!" You growled, using the key you'd stolen to unlock his room.

"I don't understand! It seems foolish!"

"I agree." Crowley was always a step ahead of you these days. It was infuriating.

"I am more than happy to just give you my hat," he said, plopping his hat on your head. "In fact, I love taking every opportunity to show your admirers that you are mine!"

Sebek raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.

You pouted. "It's not about that."

"Then what is it about?" He gave a booming laugh, pushing his hat over your eyes.

"How do I phrase this," you muttered, giggling as you pulled the hat back up. "You know how when you see something shiny, you can't resist the urge to take it?"

"And you feel like that about my stuff?"

"Sort of," you groaned in frustration, then perked back up, an idea in your head. "Okay, you know how when you see something cute, you just are filled with such joy that you want to squeeze it until it pops? Well, I see you, and I'm filled with so many emotions, and so much joy, that I just want to take your stuff and giggle!"

"That," Crowley breathed heavily, "is the sweetest thing I've ever heard!" He started sobbing, scooping you into his arms and holding you there, his hat falling to the ground.

"I shall, uh, take my leave," Sebek said with a cough as your boyfriend clung to you.

Present day…

"Twenty five minutes up," Crowley groaned. "Now be good, and give me my stuff back."

You pouted, but slowly removed the hat, mask, and cloak, handing them back with a growl.

He laughed lightly. "I know, dearest, but I need them for work. You'll have a chance to take them again tomorrow."

He pressed a kiss to the crown of your head, then your nose, then a long kiss to your lips.

"I hope I get to see you today."

"Me too," you whispered. Crowley left with a grin.

When you were certain he was gone, you put on your new ring. Or more accurately.

His old ring.

[writingonleaves]

and what if i really thought some miracle would see us through?

universe: nico hischier (though he doesn't appear in this part) x clementine sandoval x hughes brothers

warnings: cancer, grief, sadness, spoilers to first part (linked below), not proofread

title: "ronan" by taylor swift

word count: 1k

author's note: uhhh surprise?? reached 50 followers today (which, by the way, thank you SO much you're all so wonderful) and had a burst of inspiration and wanted to get out of my writer's block. tried something a bit different and put my journalism degree to use. if you haven't read the first edition of this au yet, please do!! hope you enjoy and lmk what you think!

Hockey Fights Cancer: Hughes Brothers Edition 

From The Athletic

L - R: Miguel Sandoval with baby Quinn Hughes, 1999, Miguel with Clementine Sandoval, Jack Hughes and Luke Hughes, 2005, Jack Hughes with his mother Ellen Weinberg-Hughes and Maeve Sandoval, 2019, Clementine, Quinn, Jack and Luke, 2020. All photos courtesy of Clementine Sandoval

*****

Family values have always been ingrained in the Hughes family. 

With Quinn, Jack and Luke drafted in the top 10 during their respective draft years, they’ve always acknowledged that it takes a village to get where they are. Talent is the obvious driver, but it’s also about the support to elevate that talent. 

But it hasn't necessarily always been family with the Hughes surname that has influenced them. According to Jack, there’s another surname that “should be added onto the back of my jersey.”

The Sandovals consist of Maeve Sandoval nee Brennan, Miguel Sandoval and Clementine Sandoval. Miguel died in 2015 from pancreatic cancer, and he is who all Hughes brothers are playing for as teams across the league celebrates Hockey Fights Cancer nights starting this week.

“Growing up three streets over from the Sandovals in Toronto was such a prominent childhood memory,” Quinn said. “Every memory I have from that time has them in it.”

Ellen Weinberg-Hughes, the Hughes brothers’ mother, and Maeve played collegiate soccer together at the University of New Hampshire. Maeve met Miguel at UNH, Ellen met Jim Hughes post-grad and the four of them became a unit. 

“I still remember meeting Maeve when she was a junior and I was a freshman,” Ellen says. “So outgoing and so skilled. She may have been the first upperclassman to make me feel really welcome.”

Though both couples would have lives that took them to separate places — Ellen and Jim to Florida and New Hampshire and Maeve and Miguel to Massachusetts — they would eventually all meet back in Toronto. 

Clementine was the first child born in 1997, followed by Quinn two years later, then Jack and then Luke. As the only girl in the mix, she naturally fell into the older sister role. 

“I always forget that I don’t technically have any siblings,” Clementine said. “But these days, whenever people ask, I just say I have three younger brothers. Because it’s true.”

Clementine is currently a second-year resident at New York University Langone Health, focusing on a combined emergency room and pediatric residency. After spending her undergrad and medical school years in California, when she was notified of her placement in March 2023, Jack and Luke immediately asked her to move in with them in Hoboken. 

“It was a no brainer,” Jack said. “After being in different states for so long, it felt like it was meant to be. Who gets the chance to live with one of their best friends?”

When Miguel was going through treatment, Clementine had just finished her junior year of high school. Quinn was 15, Jack was 13 and Luke was 11. He died days after Quinn verbally committed to the University of Michigan.

“I was young, but I still remember how positive Miguel was when he must’ve been in so much pain,” Luke said. “He always had a smile on his face and made it to every game of ours he could. I got a hattrick in the last game of mine he came to. I’ll never forget that.”

Miguel couldn’t skate for his life, according to Jim. But that didn’t matter. If he wasn’t at his daughter’s soccer games, he was going to the rink to watch the boys. 

“Miguel was known to be vocal in the stands,” Jim said. “Any bad call and he was immediately on his feet. I know he’s upstairs watching every Canucks and Devils game as passionate as ever.”

Last season, Jack and Luke revealed to Amanda Smith, the New Jersey Devils Team Reporter the reason why they chose 43 and 86. April 3 was Miguel’s birthday, and Miguel always said that Jack’s “bright and bold” personality was as loud as both of his brothers combined. 

“I often think about how [Miguel] never got to see us play in the NHL or for our country,” Quinn said. “Which is so unfair in so many ways, because he always believed in us and was such a loud cheerleader. There are days when I just get sad and I wish he was still here, but then I give Maeve or Clem a call and then it’s usually okay.”

Jack said that Clementine has always been the bright spot amongst the emptiness left by Miguel’s death.

“It puts things into perspective, the way Clee has lived her life beautifully and the way she thinks so positively,” Jack said. “I’ve always seen her as an older sister, but she’s also just one of the best people in the world. Miguel’s energy lives through her.”

“Having Clemmy in our life has been such a blessing,” Luke added. “She’s taught me so much and always looked out for me. I know the three of us try our best to look after her as well.”

Luke still remembers one specific moment during his draft — Clementine and Maeve made it to all three boys’ big days. The morning of, Clementine pulled him aside and gave him an envelope. Immediately, Luke knew what was inside. Quinn and Jack had gotten theirs during their drafts. 

A letter addressed to Luke from Miguel. Written two months before he died. 

“Dad gave those letters to me to give to them and was very specific about his instructions,” Clementine added. “‘Honey, pull them aside on their draft day, and just give it to them without any context. Only for their own eyes to read.’ I remember being like, how do you know they’re gonna get drafted? And he was like, ‘I just know.’”

All three of them still have their respective letters. Ellen and Jim have theirs as well — Maeve gave them theirs on Quinn’s draft day. Letters were a Miguel staple, according to Clementine. She herself got one when she graduated college and probably will get one when she gets married.

“I can’t imagine the amount of courage and strength that took him,” Quinn said. “Knowing that he wasn’t going to be there for such big moments and writing something anyways. I carry mine with me on every road trip.”

Next week, when the Devils host their Hockey Fights Cancer Night during their home game against the Canucks, the Hughes brothers will be playing for Miguel. Clementine, Ellen and Jim will be in the stands while Maeve — an elementary school teacher — will be watching from Boston. 

“We’ll for sure be thinking of him that night, but whenever we step onto the ice, 43 or 86 on our back, we always think of him,” Jack said. “I hope we’re making him proud.”

[coffeelovesdramasalatte]

LITA Ep 3 Rewatch Thoughts Pt. 2

Part 1 here!

Ok I am HERE for this encouragement - I love that Phayu is always supportive of Rain's academic talents

Apparently Rain is not immune to Phayu's pout either. Good, a relationship should be built on equality

pls observe this cutie omfg no wonder Phayu can't take his eyes off him

i genuinely feel like this shot did something to my brain chemistry. i kid you not one of my main goals in life is to have someone do this to me (by which I mean I want to be in Rain's position). I would also ignore homework and all my responsibilities if someone looked at and held me like that pls

P'Aon so true, Boss WAS smiling like an idiot (in love)

Poor Rain, these were famous last words :( (I too have uttered them many a time until I realized I am not a nap-taker)

ETHEREAL

Is this a rock cover of flight of the bumblebee playing in the background??? POOR RAIN HE STAYED UP ALL NIGHT TO DO THIS :((((

Ok but this is actually a very important lesson that I'm glad they included. It's true that Rain finished the work on time, but he also should have ensured he got enough sleep and made it to the presentation on time. He's still in his first year so he has a lot of time to grow. The actual important line is this one below.

It was a harsh way of phrasing it, but it's true. Setbacks are a very normal part of life and everyone makes "mistakes" (missing deadlines, not being able to finish a project, etc). I put that in quotes because sometimes, these things are at no fault of the person. It is possible to put 100% of your effort into finishing something and not get it done (which, aside from Rain's poor time management, he actually did put in a lot of effort to this project). Failing at something even after putting in a lot of hard work sucks, but being able to pick up after that and still work hard is what makes a person successful. I related extra hard to this scene because I failed a class in my major during my first year of college even though all I did was study, and it put me back a full year bc it's only offered certain semesters and was required to move forward in the degree. I took it again the following year and was smarter about how I studied and even still, I almost failed again. But I liked my major enough to keep at it and somehow still managed to graduate on time and now I'm in grad school, so... (that was an unnecessary story but to reiterate, failure is normal and ok)

AWW look at him putting on a facade for his friends... I think it's interesting that he doesn't confide in Sky here

but instead flies to the garage... Even I questioned this

P'Saifah is a good bro, calling Phayu immediately to come comfort his in-law. Phayu is good here too, immediately grabbing his things to come running

I think I speak for all of us when I say watching Phayu ride in the heavy rain was nerve-wracking bc we were expecting an accident or something

OK this scene. THIS SCENE. Utterly perfect in every way, from the moment concerned Phayu walks through the door to see a drenched, teary Rain waiting for him. Something blue-yellow is going on here too methinks

There's something so incredibly intimate about the way Phayu crouches down to Rain's level, and then beckons him into his arms. His words too are so gentle, and he just holds Rain as he cries.

As opposed to many other sweet scenes, this sequence + the one after Rain comes out of the bathroom is actually the one that makes me most jealous of PhayuRain. There is nothing more valuable than having someone you can fall apart into and trust that they'll hold the pieces of you together. And honestly, in the grand scheme of things Rain didn't mess up horribly - it feels monumental to him bc it's probably the first time he's missed a deadline. It's important that Phayu still treats the situation with the gravity of something more serious, bc it shows how much he cares. And after Rain has calmed down, he advises him on how to do better next time without sugarcoating, but also sharing that he experienced similar things during his days as a student.

I'mma need Rain to zip it bc he looks perfect, as usual

I really like the framing in this scene where he's looking into the mirror and then introspecting "why did I put up a front with other people and then cry in front of him? idk but I'm thankful" - he's reflecting mentally and physically!!!

Can't believe a drama is out here giving important life lessons but I'm here for it. I also like that Phayu shows a bit of vulnerability by sharing that he got criticized too, and that Rain will be able to recover from it.

HEADPAT x 2

This is another set of shots that altered my brain chemistry. Who taught them to look at each other like this, hm? Rain looks so vulnerable and Phayu might as well be cradling Rain's soul in his hands ft. headpat

The way Rain tilts his head up? Exquisite

I'd also feel very motivated if I was in Rain's place. Phayu actually makes another few interesting points here - he says what's done is done, and then tells Rain to not dwell on it and take care of himself. Interestingly enough (story time pt 2 you can skip if you want). I watched this scene very soon after I missed a paper submission deadline for a conference. It's not the biggest deal, especially because my professor knew it was a big ask to finish an entire research project in the timeline he gave me and he wasn't even remotely upset about it (long story short I only had 2 weeks notice to flesh out the idea, get the data, analyze the data, and write the research paper - but you can't really control how long things take you when you do research bc the point is that it hasn't been done before). So even though no one reprimanded me, I still felt really upset bc I had made up my mind that I was going to do this impossible task and couldn't. To hear Phayu's reminder that I can be upset but I shouldn't spend too long being sad to the point I neglect to take care of myself was honestly nice. It also helped to put things into perspective that yes, I couldn't submit to this particular conference, but there are so many that happen all the time so it's not like the research is wasted - just pull yourself together and try for the next one. Anyways, I'm done treating y'all like my personal diary now <3

Yay, Rain feels comforted and finally smiles! It's like seeing the sun after a storm (literally) AND something yellow-blue is happening here

Post-credits garage brothers content!! This exchange is hilarious bc P'Saifah goes 'ah [Rain] is in the palm of your hand' as Rain's leaving, but then the show makes it literal bc Phayu's holding a picture of Rain in his palm via the phone screen, which also signifies to the viewer that Phayu is also in the palm of Rain's hand. Again, we love relationships built on equality hehe

I love that they let us see the moment Phayu decided to pursue Rain (he's looking at the picture of Rain on his phone for the first time - though I do question why the senior just randomly sent him a photo of Rain? Like at this point Phayu is an alumni of the frat so why just send an isolated photo of a freshman to him?? we'll never know I guess)

And that's episode 3! If you made it this far, I hope at least some of this was entertaining! Have a lovely day or night, whenever you're reading this <3 See you in the next one!!

[pandora15]

can we please take a moment to normalize not eating beef as a dietary restriction

long rant below

well, technically this is two rants.

rant # 1:

today's (+ yesterday) is bengali new year! happy new year to me I accidentally ate beef again and now my stomach hurts and I'm nauseous. what a great way to start off the year by messing up and eating beef when I'm literally not supposed to because of religion. on a religious day. cool cool cool.

anyways, I saw this hawaiian style chicken sausage at the store a few days ago and it was from a company that i haven't had before and i was intrigued! because I like hawaiian/pineapple flavors. so I bought it because. it's chicken sausage. that's what the front of the box said.

I ate two (of the four) sausages for lunch today.

and I was gonna have the other two for dinner and as I was taking them out of the box to start heating them, I casually flipped the box over and glanced at the ingredients and guess what?

it's made with beef collagen casing.

again. I don't eat beef.

and the worst part? the front of the box says "pork free". so this company had the foresight to think "okay so some people don't eat pork we should label our product so that they know that they can eat it"

but they didn't stop to think about the opposite? that there are people who don't eat beef and maybe they can just put something like "contains beef" clearly spelled out in the front of their packaging? like if it was on the front written in the same font/text as "pork free" I would've easily seen it at the store and not purchased it.

but they just want people to buy their product, that's all they care about.

rant # 2:

so my grad school commencement is coming up in a little over a month and they're giving a breakfast on site for graduates on the day of the big ceremony. my school sent out a form confirming attendance, tickets, and dietary restrictions.

the dietary restriction question was formatted like a multiple choice question. I don't have access to the form anymore, but when I filled it out, I noticed two things:

there was no option for me to select "no beef" or something along those words. there were other dietary restrictions, but not mine.

there was no "other" option for me to select (let alone a free text box where I can type "hey I don't eat beef")

ultimately I had to submit that I had no dietary restriction, which isn't true. now, this is for a continental breakfast so I'll be fine if it's like any other standard continental breakfast. I can also just ask when I'm taking food with meat, which is what I usually do in these types of situations.

I'm just mind-boggled at the fact that they sent out a form and didn't think to add an "other" option???? like hello???????

TLDR

i'm frustrated by how not eating beef isn't normalized as a dietary restriction (and the food industry/people in general don't seem to take some restrictions seriously) and my stomach hurts now. thanks for coming to my ted talk.

[cerissy]

something about yesterday

i like errand days, sometimes.

yesterday, my partner cory and i went to have brunch at the neighborhood pancake house. he was making it up to me for sleeping in until 5:30 pm the day before (yes it was ridiculous - we didn't get any chores done). the clouds that hung over the city gave a constant threat of a rainy day. when we got to the restaurant, it was busy, and the food was mid, but the coffee was just how i like it. something about that was so comforting. it was about finding comfort in simple things amidst the general discomfort and inconvenience of it all. one of my profs in grad school once said that the mundane can be a portal to the sacred. and it's true. magic is everywhere, even in your morning coffee.

after that, we went to a japanese cosmetics store (tokyo no beauty). this was unplanned. yesterday was supposed to be about brunch and grocery shopping, but i asked to go to tokyo no beauty on a whim. cory agreed to drive us there, and there i got an oil cleanser, vitamin c essence, and hair mask that were all over tiktok 😋 the impulse shop gave me a dopamine hit and cory commented on how i became so much more energetic after the stop at the cosmetics store lol

we also happened to walk by a complex which was supposed to have a hidden coffee shop. we tried looking for a secret entrance but could not find it. it was like a side quest that hadn't been unlocked! i found amusement in being unable to locate a secret coffee shop, because if it was a secret coffee shop, it should stay a secret. at least from me, at this time.

we headed to the asian grocery store for some kimchi, soba noodle dip, and some kitchen supplies. i was frustrated and overwhelmed as usual because it was so crowded and i could not find furikake. i ALWAYS get overwhelmed at asian grocery stores. it gets very crowded and the shelves are often too close together. after being unable to find furikake and fuji salad dressing, i gave up, we paid, and left.

after expressing my frustration with asian grocery stores, cory calmed me down by holding my hand and suggesting that we check out the korean bakery near where we parked. they sell pastry that i really like, something they call mammoth bread. we ended up getting matcha donuts instead of that, and then we drove to the grocery store where we did most of our shopping.

the grocery store was as normal as it could be, which is perfect. normal is good, familiar, comforting. no surprises. we got what we needed for dinner (beef stew). cory wanted milk tea after shopping, but i didn't, so he went to order milk tea while i walked around the pharamacy and bought drugstore makeup. i accidentally spent more on that than actual groceries 😐

apparently cory's bestfriend was waving at us somewhere sometime during the day. we did not see him, and cory thought it was funny. his friend said "i didn't say hi because i didn't want to interrupt your date" to which cory replied, "dude we were just grocery shopping!"

we got home, put the groceries away, and then we ate our donuts. it was cory's turn to cook so he started making beef stew, so i went into the bedroom to watch a korean drama (celebrity) while waiting. soon after that, it was dinner time, then i cleaned the kitchen, and then i binged the kdrama until 2 am 🤭

something about yesterday was perfect. it wasn't perfect, but it was. it probably wasnt the same for cory because i know he would rather stay home or hang out with his friends. i just like slow days with the right amount of adventure and disappointments and surprises. there was no rush, and we could afford to stop and be curious about a hidden coffee shop or a bakery. we safely returned home, stocked up the fridge, had a comfortable bed waiting for me. it's a reminder of a simple and safe privileged life that i will always be grateful for.

i could go on and on. as simple as my life may be, simple is extravagant these days, and life is never guaranteed. i hold onto these things right now while i am still alive 💖

[crows-and-cookies]

Okay, here are my new year writing options. I have some other ones I didn't mention on here but these are the ones I want to work on. I just need to figure out what I want to focus on for the new year.

Novels

Write draft 7 of my mushrooms take over the world via the internet book. The thing is, I need to add scene reactions. To the entire book. And I feel pain doing that because I low key hate it at this point and want it to be something different, I think. Also, I've been putting off the 7th draft since my beta readers read it. Some of the comments are hard to take, but true, and it makes it hard to work on it sometimes.

Write draft 2 of Vessel, which is about a mad scientist trying to stop the cycle of reincarnation. The person trying to stop the mad scientist is not the chosen one, but the chosen one's soulmate, as the chosen one was killed in a car crash on the way to stop the mad scientist. Now the dead chosen one communicates by possessing people and talking to his very stressed out grad student soul mate. I also need to add scene reactions to this, and I could do this as practice for the mushroom one.

Timebenders. Think Avatar but like with time and shit. It's currently an outline with a few pivotal scenes, and by god I love first drafts. But the thing is it has legs. Like, lots of legs. Enough legs to be a high fantasy series. Do I really want to dive into that? Yes, I do. Let's rephrase. Should I dive into that?

Mazra Maine. I've been working on this bitch since 2013-2014. It's my magus opus of fuck you to the American school system. It's the ongoing daydream in my head. The characters are my best friends. It's a...first third of a novel rewritten 7 times and I can't actually make it work. So it's probably not going to be this one. The pieces will one day fit together in my head.

Short stories

Cal. They're a prophet who only believes in mathematics, and essentially does complex equations in their head to read the 'signs' and gain information (chaos theory). This is generally used for criminal activity. But, as always, I want it to be more than a short story--a series of short stories! Wait. Is that too close to a novel? Oh, and it's a slow burn with their childhood best friend, which I want to see grow through each short story.

Fanfiction

I'm on tumblr, so I don't have to justify why I want to write fanfic, but I will anyways. It's something I can always write, will get me through writer's block, and quite frankly, gives me dopamine at randomly selected intervals through people commenting and giving me kudos. Watching my stats go up is like crack to me. And I don't get that from my novel writing. Nobody goes through my novel and goes 'AHHHHSJDBFNJWIBDNFJ' until like, 3 years after I write that killer line. Fanfic, on the other hand, has a much faster return rate. And I have like 50 fanfic ideas.

Finish the one I have going now that's a multifandom crossover (AOT, Grishverse, MHA, and The Penumbra Podcast).

Write the AOT/Umbrella academy crossover one shot.

Any of the 5 million fic ideas I have for Aizawa from MHA.

I will be writing fanfic on the side, regardless of what I write for the other stuff. It's a constant in the background.

Ultimately, I know this is up to me, I just needed to write this all out to help me make this decision. That being said, feel free to comment your thoughts.

I did really well and got through two drafts of my mushroom novel last year and wrote the first draft of Vessel last year, so whatever I do I will do it well!

[pbandjesse]

After I finished my post last night I ended up getting very upset about my dad. And cried on James for a little. And decided I should just. Go and see my parents today. And so that's exactly what I did.

The decision made me sleep a lot better. James got me a different blanket out and I slept pretty great. I did wake up before my alarm and felt pretty good. I always wake up easier when I have something to do. I got up and made the bed and went to get dressed.

Something scratched my eye and I couldn't get it to stop hurting for a half hour. Which was frustrating. But I used a bunch of eye drops and tried to wash my eye out. I couldn't really put mascara on because of it. But whatever.

James and me left here at 730. I drove us out to the museum to drop them off and went to great breakfast. I got out of the car to give them a big hug and kiss and then was off.

Except not really. Because when I got to McDonald's I realized I had James's coffee still. I texted them and they biked up to me to get it and I got one extra kiss. Very sweet. Love them so much.

I had a good drive out. It took about 2 hours and there was not traffic. I listened to lots of music. I did end up crying listening to some show tunes. Happens sometimes. I needed the catharsis I guess.

I was excited to be out of the car when I got there around 10. My legs kind of felt like jelly. But I was so happy to see my parents. And the doggies.

It was really great spending time together. We talked about my dad's leg. Which looked pretty scary and he looked pretty pale. But he was in good spirits. I did not like hearing him say 'if' around coming to my wedding. But I also just want him to be okay and whatever that takes is more important. I don't want to be selfish but I also. Have to have him there. It isn't acceptable that he wouldn't be there.

Around 11 my aunt Renee came over. She's not actually my aunt, she's my sister's mom. But she's always been my aunt and she's lovely. I really enjoyed all of us hanging out. I got to learn a lot more about my dad's younger life and there were lots of laughs. I don't think she's heard me talk so much before. I was kind of a standoffish kid. But man did she hear me today. I talk a lot and very fast. My grad school director used to say I talk through the trees. And it's absolutely true, I get there eventually but we are not on a path at all. I think she thought I was funny though and that is still positive.

We ordered lunch. And we compared jewelry. Talked about childhoods and memories. I told them all about art and stories from my life. Renee told us about the wild 21 day vacation she's going on. Which sounds amazing. And we talked about the wedding and how things are going to be. The decorations and the hotels and stuff.

We have to make some changes to the plan because of moving my dad around. But that is okay. So I may stay in the hotel on Thursday instead of James. But we will see.

Renee left and I spent another hour and a half with my parents. We talked about music and life and it was really nice. I wanted to stay more but I also wanted to get home before 9.

So I said goodbye. Mom sent me home with detergent and cat food. I let her know my dad's car windows were open? I got pictures with them and gave them hugs and then I was off.

The drive home was not as pleasant. It was directly into the sun the entire drive. And just horrible traffic. So it took almost 3 hours. Which was not ideal. I tried to keep myself awake and aware by having a full dance party. Which was a lot of fun and very silly.

I had the two pieces of pizza my mom gave me before I left. So at least I wasnt starving. I would take a break after 2 hours to stretch my legs. Mostly because my foot hurt really bad today. But I would just walk around the rest stop for a couple minutes before I was off and back on the road.

I got back here closer to 830 then I was happy about. But I got home in one piece.

I was really happy to see James. They were a little sad because they somehow lost their engagement ring. Again. I'm not upset but I feel bad that they are upset. It will be alright.

We both showered and that made me feel a lot better. Though I am pretty exhausted. I am also excited because I just got offered the grant position at the visionary museum! I hope it leads to more!!

But now is time for sleep. I hope you all sleep great. Take care of yourself! I have the garage sale with Anne, I hope it is fun! I hope you have a great night!! Sleep good!!

[rosethornewrites]

Having a rough go right now.

My cat, who is my emotional support animal and has been with me for 18 years, has failing health. A UTI and/or arthritis has rendered her incontinent, necessitating washing bedding basically daily until the reusable, washable bed pads come and I can put them over the comforter. Doesn’t help the carpet (which needs cleaning anyway) or puddles on the vinyl floor. And she’s hating it. No telling if it’s permanent or can be healed. I’m essentially providing palliative care at this point.

Her treatment has decimated my savings and I’m relying on help from family to finish out the summer. And her treatment isn’t over.

My job, while I find it fulfilling when working with students, pays me under the area median income after 9 years of work and has denied me promotion for reasons that implied my required 500+ page material was barely skimmed, and it’s time to apply again and I’m angry and burnt out. Literally I was told to describe and prove that I’m an “excellent” teacher, not just a “very good” teacher. Anyone know the definition of excellent? This was instruction by an English professor.

My job has also asked me repeatedly to give unpaid labor, including asking me to put together a workshop on… applying for promotion, which I was denied. I used to go over and above and it gave me nothing but burnout and exacerbated health issues. I’ve divested myself of everything that isn’t contractually required and refocused on my students as solely as I can.

I have had to be honest with students about major problems at specific institutions that would impact them negatively if they went there for grad school. Grad school is, of course, traumatizing all on its own, but add extra toxicity to the environment and it’s untenable. There is major and ugly upheaval going on at many institutions. And not in a way that would correct systemic issues.

Rent went up, of course, by $100 a month. But rent is up everywhere, moving is expensive, and this is the last apartment my dad helped me move into before he died.

My salary for the next year has not been told to me, but my guess is that I technically am making less given cost of living increasing and little to no corresponding salary increase. Maybe I’ll get a couple hundred dollars a year more if I’m lucky. I’ll still be making under area median income, as a professor at a major university.

My mom’s health is not great and there’s so much family drama going on right now that I’m very glad I live 4 hours away. The saving grace is a cousin who’s become like a sister and is there to help.

My late father’s chihuahua has a brain tumor and will likely die in the next few months. She’s at a stage where she cannot stop walking in circles and it drives her crazy, so she hugs walls to keep from doing it. She can’t even stop while peeing. She still has good quality of life, but we’re monitoring her closely to determine when that’s not true anymore. Once she’s gone it’s another piece of my dad gone.

My brother became a military contractor and is now living in the Middle East as of last month. We aren’t super close, but I worry. Added note: his cat died in my apartment in February, as I was helping care for him, a week after he turned 20.

I now have been diagnosed with two skin conditions and referred to a dermatologist. By a gynecologist at the first appointment who took one look and said, yeah you have this and this, let’s fix it. I had shown my gp one of the issues and she basically shrugged and said it was my weight. It is actually a recognized chronic inflammatory skin condition that flares with hormones in painful ways and which I have been dealing with since puberty. Turns out I can get a shot once a month and it goes away. 27 years of dealing with it and embarrassment and pain, including a very painful procedure to kill my armpit sweat glands with lasers about 15 years ago. I’m now on E to stabilize my hormones and that should ease it too.

This is on top of the autoimmune disorder I have, and chronic mental health issues.

Have I mentioned I’m burned out? I have to work multiple gigs to survive, and I just never get anywhere.

I have higher education. I work in higher education. I am starting to hate higher education. I am not the only one. People are leaving higher education (and education generally) at pretty high rates. I think I would leave too if I wasn’t so burnt out I can’t think of what I could change to.

Can I just catch a break?

[mercuryysworld]

I was just thinking about how I detach from things faster than my peers. I stop myself from getting into long-term relationships simply because I feel as if life is short and that I need to live my life and meet other people because how life is futile. this was in no way the way life was intended to be like, we surprisingly need long-term connections as humans to function normally. who knew, that the one thing I run through is the thing that I need the most. I run through people quick, I think my issue is that I don't take things too seriously and that is why God keeps sending ambitious friends to maybe counteract my lack of ambition. I don't take many things seriously which is my downfall. I barely put any effort into my outfits, lifestyle goals, goals, grades, friends, money, mental, physical, and spiritual being. I don't have a niche hobby that I put my money and effort into. I sit here and kinda wither away all because I have floating rock syndrome. Why did we ever think that telling ourselves that "nothing matters, we are all bound to die soon" is the key to making us happy again? This is simply false, I bet ambitious people are living a happier life than us. They probably aren't, but they have an end goal that they want to reach, for us it is just another day that is passing by. I mentioned detachment earlier, I have detached from everything in the world because there is an end to everything. I taught myself at a young age how to not get too attached to anything because it will eventually go away. Did this come from parental trauma, witnessing my friend's situations, or just my own delusions? There is no logical reason as to why I conditioned myself to not be too attached, but honestly, it sucks. You master detachment but at what cost? I feel as if I wasted my years because a good chunk of my years I was just coasting on by, I had no real goals or ambitions. I had some basic cliche ones, I told myself I'd cut my hair & did, I wanted to have a certain shirt, I wanted to have sex, I wanted to get a tattoo, I wanted a piercing... but they are all material goals. I attached myself to worldly things as my end goal but at what cost. I still never took it seriously, it was just an afterthought. I know I want to work and live in New York City, but I have been debating on what career I want to get into. I never really had a specific job in mind, I really don't even have a dream college. I have a dream house, but at times it can also be finicky. I have never had a true goal, nothing that really motivates me in the morning. I find myself to try and conform to what motivates others, some people find their motivation in being the first college grad, first millionaire, first business owner, or even the first person to climb Everest. The thing is, I tried being the girl who put her academics first, but I don't like school fr. Maybe I just don't like being taught things I have no interest in by people. I tried being the girl who wants to be in a male-dominated industry, I am not meant for grunt work. I am meant to be writing my heart away on what I care about. If nobody cares then so be it, but I deserve to write about what I want to write about and wear comfortable but cute clothes. I wonder if my goals are from a person who settles for mediocrity. Am I settling for a mediocre life simply because I don't want to get too attached to something? I am fine with job-hoping (changing) because it allows me to meet new people and gain new experiences. That can also be translation for I am non-committal. Man, why do I not want better for myself? I really need to do better. My goals should not be on meeting a certain person, fucking a certain guy, getting a certain shirt, or even just getting a bite to eat. I must divert my goals onto something that is not going to bring me temporary satisfaction. I really sit here and focus on who I am going to hunch next when that doesn't even matter to me. I have to actually set some goals and focus IN, not out, INSIDE.

[congradulations]

social anxiety, at work

Social anxiety in the workplace. Zoinks. It’s so much weirder than regular social anxiety. It’s social anxiety with stakes. 

I have social anxiety. It was the first mental issue I was diagnosed with. The first of many! I was diagnosed with social anxiety before I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety, which was before I was diagnosed with ADHD - which, to me, is more obvious in my personality than both of the anxieties. But maybe that’s because I tend to avoid people because I find talking to most of them annoying and pointless and stressful. Anyway. 

Social anxiety in the workplace is not manifesting for me in the ways that other experiences of social anxiety have. In other phases of my life, I’ve been too scared to talk to people, nervous about what to say, nervous to go to events or places alone. 

It’s different now. Maybe that’s because I’m comparing my middle school experiences of social anxiety to 24-year-old experiences of social anxiety. 

Where I stand today, I have been a loner for about four years. It’s been great. There are major perks to being a social recluse. Like I don’t have to make dumb conversation or waste energy talking to people I don’t want to talk to. I have become far more in touch with myself. I have cared less about what people think about me (maybe…). I eat at restaurants alone all the time. 

I still get anxious about one-on-one conversations I might have to have with people, but that doesn’t happen too often in the workplace. And in the workplace, I’m not really nervous about speaking up. Actually, it excites me. Once I decided to make the effort to talk to my coworkers in April after my boyfriend and I broke up, I never looked back. Participating in group conversations with people on my research team is fun. Several of them have told me I should be a comedian. I just say whatever I want without thinking about it too much. 

Of course, I do brag occasionally. And I want people to know about me. Other than that, I don’t really have an agenda. Besides making people like me. But with this group of people, I don’t have to try that hard for people to like me. As it turns out, I have a good personality. Who knew? (Genuinely, not me; I’m very insecure about that). 

The social anxiety I experience at work, mostly, does not actually happen AT work. It’s after. It’s every moment (nearly) that I’m not at work. I think about every social interaction to a heinous degree. Overthinking does not adequately describe what I do. My work interactions - from amazing to good to meh to bad - take up so much of my brain space. I just replay events, over and over and over, assessing how they went - as if thinking about them could actually accomplish anything. 

With people at my grad program, I did not do this. Possibly because I did not care what they thought of me because it did not matter as I was not trying to make friends (I was also not NOT trying to make friends; I just didn’t feel like putting in effort). Possibly because I was so miserable for most of it that my brain was occupied with things that did not include impressing people. I don’t know. But now, at work, I definitely care about impressing people. Because I need to. If I want to last at the company. Since it’s such a small environment. 

But another potential reason I care about how I am at work feels unnatural to admit: I feel comfortable with my coworkers now (to a degree), and I enjoy them, and it would hurt my feelings if they did not enjoy me back.

With my particular personality, I have never totally felt like part of a group. I have felt like something of an outsider my whole life. Not in a geek pushed into a locker way. But in a ‘I am too many things, most of them strange, to be accepted by one group’ way. But these people somehow don’t make me feel like a total outsider. And I’m scared that that won’t be true one day. 

[stormy333]

Questions

But lately, what I’ve been crying about most is myself the person I used to be and lost and the person in the present with no clue about her future.

TW; Depression, Unknown, Foul Langue, overall sadness

Hello and welcome back to the Realm of Nothing!!! I am the Queen of Nothing right? Or is that just who I pretend to be? Do I really believe that nothing is everything and everything is nothing? I know I have been so mixed with my messages lately with Sober 2.0 and well I think that is the main mixed message I am not sure. Quite frankly I am SO fucked up in my mind right now I cannot tell what’s really right and left or up and down.

I used to know exactly who I was. I was Hailey Marie (Black) Isaacs “Pastor Joe’s daughter” straight A student, never miss a Sunday, always do what’s right not what’s easy, veterinarian/teacher want to be. That is where I saw myself. I saw myself at 17 -18 with the story book romance being with the one I loved and about to walk down the aisle at Graduation Day. Then go to the university of Florida, maybe I can be a teacher and a vet who cares I will have time to work out the details right? Maybe get married around 22 or 23 then by the time I get whichever degree I want I will be ready to be a mom. But life has other ideas, right? God specifically has a different plan.

It is 2021, it’s grad year. My class so many are preparing to graduate, the displays are everywhere, every time I go into work it’s there in my face. Here’s the thing I am super proud of everyone who is graduating this year and support them fully. I also have no regrets when it comes to the decision I made, I made it for my mental and physical health and that’s hella more important than some stereotype. But here’s where I am mentally. Good for them but just because I made a MATURE or stupid (however the frick you want to see it) decision doesn’t mean it was bloody easy. You don’t know what someone is going through or their reasons for doing whatever it is they did. Which brings me back to a point I think everyone should think about including myself; Just because someone did something YOU do not freaking approve of does not make them not worth it or a bad person. Check yourself before you wreck yourself honestly. I’ve had to do a lot of that lately so trust me I'm not just shifting responsibility. Or telling you something that I would not try to put into or try to put into action myself.

Now onto more questions.... I hear that it is a normal teenage thing though, trying to find yourself. Making mistakes and learning things the hard way. Right?

Want to know something I learned recently? Some lessons are shitty. The lesson most recently learned and hardest taken was that you can so easily become the person you hate in a heartbeat. It’s dark and scary but it happens. I did that I was the person I didn’t want to be. I hurt someone pretty bad, and I can’t change it and don’t have the option to make it better. BUT I can forgive myself and move forward and be more cautious as to not do it again. Guess what though? No matter how hard you try you will never be perfect so stop trying just to be you and be a better you be kinder. Pay attention to how you feel to, because Honey it isn’t just about them. It’s about you too and there is such a thing as taking TO MUCH responsibility. Own up to your actions but know that it’s a two-way street.

Next, if you’re still with me?🔨🍷.

I always wonder why I’m the only one not in a relationship always curious why the hopeless romantic the one who is die hard true love believer why she hasn’t found someone she can actually see herself with? Simple answer she had to at the very least begin to accept things about herself, plus there is more to life than dating (no offence). I used to only want to be in a relationship it was like my only desire but now I’m like dude that would be okay and don’t get me wrong I still want that, but I want the old school lets be friends for a while and build up a bond then outta nowhere ask me out and shock me but flatter me and come tell/meet my family. Bruh lets go old school. Trust me on this I want to flatter you a bit too. But I want all this I want it to be real and mean something and not be pointless or a waste of either of our times. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is nah I don’t give a rip about a relationship right now because I wanna hang out, I wanna be a kid. I’m finally starting to feel like myself again and I want to go have some fun, go on long drives, go to the beach or camping or horseback riding or try something new or even just star gazing and yeah, I wanna share that with someone but I don’t want to rush a relationship because I want those memories to lead to the wedding or family dinner or whatever. If I am for you, I’m for the long haul. And I’d hope you are too. I want a solid foundation and hey if we go out and make those memories as just friends and we both end up friends for life but married to different people I’m good with that; let's make lifelong memories to tell our families so they can make fun of us or whatever. Sturdy foundation is important in a friendship and a relationship so let's work on the foundation and see where life takes us?

Another question I have always pondered the answer to is why, why the fuck is this on me? Why do I have to be strong? Just why? This one I don’t know the answer to, but I suspect it has something to do with the fact I wouldn’t wish this shit on anyone. Or that it builds character? Tests my relationship with the man upstairs. I’m still not sure but these are theories. It also raises questions like why do I push everyone away? If I'm such a romantic, why do I push everyone out?  Ha the answer to this one I could do a separate blog on but it’d be depressing as fuck. So, I'm going to give you a simple/ less depressing answer. I think. Once someone sees what it’s really like to be with me all the sickness all the depression all the anger all of that their gonna walk away or at least that’s what my mind says so to avoid any more damage and hurt just push them away simple right? Hurt myself for a few before they can hurt me longer aye?

Anyways I think that will be all for this long depressing post. I’m sorry for the length and the sadness but its reality so welcome to my mind? I love you guys and am so thankful for those of you who read my blog it means a lot. There will likely be more like this as we walk into my dark mind and try to figure life out but nonetheless you never have to read it if you don’t want to :)

Hails

[inkofamethyst]

September 12, 2022

First grad school email sent!  Let’s gooooooo!!!  The thing is though like I can’t send the next one until after this first one comes back because I need to block out meeting times, so, lowkey stuck, but that’s fine.  

Updates: These people are responding super quick so... we gucci.  I’ve got meetings upon meetings upon meetings these next couple of weeks.  But I’m being productive!!!!!  All three of my major letter-writers are good to go, I just hope I don’t sound like an idiot in front of them (though,,,,, one of my letter-writers (and I’ve mentioned this bluntness of hers before and I love this about her but still) was like “so I’ve looked at where you think you wanna apply, and I have notes and roasts” (though not in those exact words but that was the sentiment) and part of me hopes that she roasts the schools/potential advisors that are already low on my radar so I’ve got reason to pop them off the list (if she roasts places I do like,,,,,,,,,, I have no idea what I’d do then)).  I’ve got a scheduled-send for tomorrow to meet with someone for lunch (she’s made an appearance in this journal maybe twoish years ago or so?).  After that I need to talk with my research guy about the fellowships I’m applying to and I need to start sending emails to potential advisors now that everyone should be back on their academic grind.

My toxic trait is thinking that I could crank out arrangements like nobody’s business.  As a matter of fact it takes 4-5 business weeks for me to finish one of those dang things (bc I ain’t got practice but still).  Like I’d love to give F’yoso Aj’o a go but transcribing a conlang makes me wanna go insane. [edit: I wrote that part yesterday in a separate draft and have since spent 3 hours working on said arrangement (it’s all mapped out!!!)... not sure if it’s too difficult for the orchestra/choir lol]

I considered doing the Cute Campaign over again, but if I used the same rules as last time, it wouldn’t really be much of a challenge.  I don’t wear sweatpants or leggings anymore (outside specific scenarios including working out), and I generally pick out my clothes the night before to put together a true outfit.  I’m even putting highlight at the corners of my eyes daily (which is new).  The last time I did it the purpose was to challenge myself to take pride in what I was wearing.  No, if I repeated the Cute Campaign, or did a Cute Campaign 2.0, the rules would have to change, otherwise I’m not pushing myself out of my comfort zone.  It would have to be something like.. the Skirt Crusade, or something like that.  I have 5 skirts in my closet, all of them unworn in my daily life.  And it’s not that I’m not proud of them (3/5 are handmade and the other two were repaired by me (jobs well done, all of them)), there’s just some sort of mental block happening.  Which, like, I know for a fact that most people are worried about themselves and even if I don’t manage to find a slip/half-slip, the fullness wrapping itself around my legs when it’s a bit windy won’t actually be that big of a deal.  Also, these days, with the peasant skirt trend, wearing fuller midi skirts isn’t even that perceptibly off-trend.  Challenging myself to, perhaps, wear one of my five each week, just one (maybe even two for a bonus point) might be the push I need to tip into true historybounding.

Unfortunately, I still have yet to make summer skirts, so I shall have to wait until the weather cools before I begin Cute Campaign 2.0: The Skirt Crusade.  No one wants to wear wool or flannel while it’s eighty degrees out.

And speaking of such things, I’m in a few facebook sewing groups and the smaller ones tend to have more self-awareness, but someone in one of my larger groups made a post where she was basically upset about how other women were upset that they couldn’t use vintage patterns because the patterns were made for significantly smaller women (supposedly the average waist size was significantly smaller in the past (70+ years ago)... I have no way to know whether that’s true or if there’s bias in people’s memories).  And like, yes, skinny-shaming hurts people.  But you’re really gonna be mad at people for expressing frustration?  That’s the hill you wanna die on?  You’re really gonna post a photo of yourself and your to-kill-for measurements as if you’ve got the moral high ground?  It reeked of body checking and a lack of self/social-awareness and pick-me energy and just made me feel really icky (not icky in a “I feel self conscious bc I’m comparing myself to her” way but in a “that’s a really weird thing for someone to post”).  And the comments were... bizarre.  And I know, I know, this kinda counts as hate-watching/hate-reading and I should’ve just scrolled past but I was just so incredibly flabbergasted.

Today I’m thankful that I have officially put the process into motion.

[bytebun]

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